UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Apr 4, 2006

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S&P/TSX COMPOSITE 90210 A 3.14
South Dakota expands abortion laws
Masturbation, ovulation outlawed as state clamps
down on needless killing of innocent gametes
Lawmakers in South Dakota have
raised the bar for social conservatism yet again after introducing
new legislation that makes masturbation and ovulation criminal
offences with harsh sentences.
Citing non-existent Bible passages, Governor Mike Hounds
argued that the recent total abortion
ban doesn't go far enough when it
comes  to protecting human  life,
But for now, Hounds is focused
on the challenge of getting the state
assembly to approve his plan.
"Actually, you know what? The
more I think about, South Dakotans
are pretty dumb, so it'll probably
Nurdilinger did predict that the
law will be difficult for the state to
enforce. Masturbation occurs
behind closed doors and with alarming frequency.
"You gotta figure that the average
which he feels includes sperm and     guy breaks the law repeatedly every
egg cells. day," he said. "And if each time hes
"We want to send a clear message killing millions upon millions, that's
to the men of this state that beating a lot of paperwork for the police."
your meat is nothing short of mass
murder," he proclaimed at an anti-
choice rally over the weekend. He
reserved equally damning words for
women: "every month innocent eggs
are bloodily murdered and no one
seems to care," he said.
"Every year billions of sperm and
hundreds of thousands of eggs —
potential human lives — are discarded as if they are nothing," he
said. "This is a grave injustice that
needs to be addressed."
Supporters of the proposed law
felt confident that while not a complete solution, the law would cause
a significant drop in masturbation
and ovulation rates in the state.
Meanwhile, opponents of the legislation held a rally to protest the
governor's recent announcement.
-.——!J£-there's.-one^thing^this -state
needs to abort, it's Governor Meatt.
Pounds," said anti-life activist arid
rally organizer Enfanti Side.
Protestors also took issue with the
proposed sentence: anyone caught
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DUMBASS ^Airsersc^iis. A14
strikes are
strikes: Bush
In an effort to step up the 'War on
Terror" President'Bush unveiled, an
masturbating or ovulating would be    updated Bush Doctrine that reforti-
forced to have five children.
'The world s already overpopulat-
ed," stated Side. "I mean, how
much more backwards can this
state get?"
Lots more, say conservatives.
In fact, sources close to Governor
Pounds say that he has plans
to implement an "unaffirmative
action" program  that would , give
fied his resolve to rid the world of
terrorist threats.
The Bush Doctrine: "Preemption
And Dominance" will now have an
added clause that Whitehouse
strategists believe will help curtail
logistical problems that have ensued
when implementing democracies
by force.
"I call it the post-emptive strike,"
Masturbators and ovulators raised loose fists yesterday to protest South Dakota's newest legislation. They walked in opposition to the law that
would make masturbation and ovulation criminal offenses.
preference for job placement to het- said Bush during a White Housing
erosexual white men, a demograph- press briefing. ' Preemptive strikes
ic he feels is underrepresented in aren't complete.
government and throughout North
American society. See STRIKES on page A4
Latest pill curtails
independent thought
Cranialmusilix is the hottest pill
to hit the pharmaceutical
industry since the "Shaky Leg"
pills that inhibit individuals from
shaking nervously.
The pills, which were launched
by Merck Pharmaceutical last
Friday   afternoon    in    a    nearby
Index, page A2
Births & Deaths, S8
including tax
in metro
Price may
be higher
867    " 5309
Walmart, impede the ability to form
any independent thoughts.
Merck officials were elated with
the news.
"If we had this pill during the
French revolution, or even the
American revolution, we wouldn't
be in this situation right now," said
Lester Denmark, Merck representative. "Coup d'etats? Revolutionary
zeal? We can now stop that."
"Dissent will be a thing of the
past," he said.
American Health Foundation
(AHF) estimates that the average
time spent in revolutionary thought
in Canada will drop by more than
30 per cent with the help of this
new wonder-drug. By last year, 61
per cent of people were getting by
with less than eight hours.
See PILL on page A4
Shit-slinging turns
literal at Liberal
press conferenece
In a press conference yesterday, the
Liberal Party of Canada announced
its contenders for the leadership of
the party: John Turner and Jean
Chretien, through an assigned
translator, claimed that someone
with more than four months experience as PM should be the next
leader. Mr. Turner,84, responded
that Mr. Chretien should have stayed
retired and that it looked like he had
"herpes of the mouth" and perhaps
he should "get some cream for that."
Then the shit-storm began — literally.
A backup in the plumbing of the
en suite bathroom resulted in a lake
of shit covering the floor.
See POOP on page A7
Stealing warm nourishing candy from a baby
Scientists warn that growing demand for
bottled breast milk will leave nipples raw,
babies hungry, WH0RIS KIRBY reports
Forget about oil, the high
tech sector, or the housing
market. Bottled breast
milk is where the real
money is, according to Suzy
Johansson, self-proclaimed "day-
trader extraordinaire."
"For sure, mamma juice is the
new 'white gold/ said Johnson.
'The stuff has taken off. Breast
milk Cafes are popping up on
every street corner here in Toronto
and it's only a matter of time
before they spread to the rest of
the country."
However, according to Merrill
Lynch economist Jenn Monroe,
despite its recent boom, the bottled breast milk industry faces
fierce competition from the non-
bottled breast milk sector, with
titty-sucking still accounting for
over 92 per cent of the breast milk
served in Canada.
"I prefer my breast milk straight
from the source," said Nipples
Harden, a patron of BoobJuice, a
breast milk bar chain in southern
Ontario. "It's well, more natural,
and, like, cheaper, and yeah, boobies! On the downside though, my
lady friends don't produce the
delicious beer or curry flavoured
breast milks served at places like
Mammilla Batista, head booby-
ologist of the Toronto Amateur
Boobyologists Association warns
that the growing demand for
breast milk could have adverse
consequences for the most vulnerable members of society: nipples.
"Draining breasts of milk for
profit will leave nipples raw, possibly even crusty,' said Batista.
"Who would want to fool around
with crusty nipples? I sure wouldn't. It would ultimately cause
social anarchy. Anarchy!" Oh and
babies, the babies might all
starve," added Batista.
"My babies just can't afford the
$45.50 per bottle my milk costs,
said Boobs McClure, a mother of
two and ones of the thousands of
suppliers for the bottled breast milk
industry. 'They can't get the high
paying jobs because then* tiny hands
aren't good for manual labour;. .And
they can't stand up, and- are constantly pooping themselves too."
"They sleep for 20 hours a day,
expect me to wipe their asses and
then want to suck on mypair of
golden gooses! I told them;tp get
rucking jobs firsts but &ey vjiiSt
shit themselves again," added an
increasingly hostile McGlure.y ^
See BOOBJMCE 6^ page^ y
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Second-class Mail Registration 007
QUOTE OF THE DAY: 'I may be imaginary but I can take you to unbelievable places/
Bort, invisible friend of outgoing UBC president Marthog Pipper
Kevin in the pod
Far from the landmines, dead four-year-olds,
and the test tube of human depravity that was
my last assignment, is the beautiful campus of
the University of British Columbia.
Armed with my chapstick and with my iPod
glued to my hip, I climbed the stairs to the
now de-castlea office of Kevin Gleestoned,
the President of the Almost Matters Society
Mr. Gleestoned was to be the subject of my
next thought-provoking, tell-it-like^it-is, no-
holds-barred column. What a lucky man he
is—there are many dying to be in the scuffed
white shoes he borrowed from his boyfriend.
I surprised Mr. Gleestoned by barging into
his office as he was singing along and shaking
his hips to his beloved iPod shuffle. Quick
thinker that I am, I ingeniously suggested that
I borrow his iPod for a day.
As I am brilliantly perceptive, I wasn't surprised that Mr. Gleestoned was keen to participate.
An ambitious, yet frightfully na'ive, happy-
go-lucky young gentleman, Mr. Gleestoned
has approached his presidency with the wide-
eyed wonder that characterized his term as
vice-president finance.
Mr. Gleestoned was hardly fit to manage the
$10.5 million AMS budget then, and is certainly not any more prepared now.
If it weren't for his good looks, the lack of
competent opposition, and the support of his
clingy fag-hags, Mr. Gleestoned never would
have been elected. But I digress.
Mr. Gleestoned's iPod is the window into the
soul of a leader—albeit one everyone will have
forgotten five weeks after his term ends.
Right off the top was this thoughtful ditty
from Avenue Q:
Kate Monster: The internet is really really
Trekkie Monster: For porn.
Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I
don't have to wait.
Trekkie Monster: For pom.
By the time Trekkie Monster came to the
climax—"grab your dick and double click"—I
was certain I was listening to the iPod of the
next great leader...of grade eight boys.
Another Avenue Q song "What do you do
with a B.A. in English?" does not apply to Mr.
Gleestoned—yet. After his first year in commerce, Gleestoned switched to French and
Spanish in his second, and currently is in his
third year in global resource systems.
Maybe in his fourth year, Mr. Gleestoned
will understand the deep meaning behind
these lyrics much of his electorate knows all
too well:
"What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me
this useless degree."
The last and appropriately titled Avenue Q
song on Mr. Gleestoned's iPod "It sucks to be
me' speaks to Mr. Gleestoned's post-AMS
"It sucks to be broke and unemployed and
turning 33."
It would indeed suck To be you.
Federal Liberals booby-trap Parliament floor
Ethics Commissioner gives
proximity mines "thumbs up"
despite poo poo.
As a response to the recent crossing of the floor
by David Emerson, and citing a general lack of
ease within the party in general, the Liberals
have announced a number of new measures to
increase loyalty within the party.
"After Emerson split, we really have no way of
predicting which MPs are going to end up jumping ship," former Liberal leader Paul Moron said.
"As our party searches for a new leader, our only
real hopes for solidarity are through physical, and
preferably deadly, restraints."
The basic idea behind what is being called
"Operation: Loyalty," insiders report, is that
booby-traps  and  physical  barriers  would  be
Elaced across the nouse floor to prevent MPs
om crossing it. But this relatively straightforward plan has already been somewhat convoluted by a number of different obstacles. The first,
and least surprising, of which has come from
Prime Minister Stephen Harpyseal.
'This is a very cowardly move," said Harmer at
a press conference. "Floor-crossers represent the
bravest, noblest, and most trust-worthy people
our country has to offer. To stop them is to crush
the human spirit, and ambition itself."
Another barrier facing the
Liberals has been of a financial nature. Citing dried up
party funds, the original blueprints which called for a
shark-infested moat across
the floor have been scrapped
and replaced with barbed
wire that currently spans the
length of the floor.
Additionally, seat-mounted explosives designed
to detonate when the weight of the chair
changes—for example if an MP stands up to
cross the floor—have also been abandoned due
to budgetary reasons. They too will be replaced
with barbed wire—this time wrapping around
each MP's table individually.
The most controversial part of the plan has
also been modified. To encourage floor-crossing
of the opposite direction, a special one-way-only
underground tunnel leading under the moat
was intended to be constructed. But in fitting
with the new lower-tech plan, Liberals now
intend to simply provide all Conservative MPs
with wire-cutters and gloves.
Later in the press conference, Harpyseal also
took the time to address this particular part of
"Operation: Loyalty." "Floor-crossers are scum.
They are vile, contemptible human beings, and
by encouraging such activity, the Liberals are
aligning themselves with the lowest of the low."
Bulimic Stomach was unavailable for comment.
Breastmilk good for the bones and wallet
B00B MCE from page A1
Regardless of whatever consequences may
arise from the bottled breast milk boom, the
strong reaction of consumer to bottle breast
milk is making milk not only good for your
bones, but for your wallet as well.
"Breast milk is the milk God would drink
if God had breasts," stated Harden as he
licked off his breast milk mustache.
Your tipsheet to this week's news
Roid monkey lures harem
A muscleman at the University of British
Columbia says he's discovered that a combination of grimaces, grunts and hard, persistent
staring is a deadly cocktail for wooing mildly
athletic girls who can't afford a membership at
the Bird Coop. HUMPDAY
Mustache and pony tail next big look
Fashion analysts say a big set of buck-teeth, a
wobbly gait, slight B.O. and muttering a steady
stream of profanity will set really make this
look take off this spring. FRIDAY
Retrograde degrees doled
"It just wasn't fair to only give them to the
hippy colleges affiliated with UBC-O, and we
at the University pride ourselves on being egalitarian," said prez Marthog Pipper on giving out
retroactive degrees to every student who ever
graduated from any university in Canada.
Apathy Week enjoys low turnout
Graded by MacLanie's magazine as "the most
callow, self-centred campus ever to have existed," the UBC Apathy Week organizers
responded with a protest in which no posters
were made and no one showed up.
Rim Job
Almost Matters Society former president,
Spender Fleas finally found out what rim job
was. "I am delightea by this new discovery,"
said Fleas in a press conference. "I thought
that hole was only for pushing things out of.
This brings wetness to a whole new level."
Sex party to lead Canada
• Not wanting to back a losing horse, and reflecting on a surge in membership of two
members,Tn!e Grope and Flail has decided to
change their Conservative endorsement to an
endorsement of the Sex Party. They hope that
after running this on their front page, the rest
of the nation will get on the bandwagon and
call for a recall of the current minority government. T0MM0RR0W
Dog eats man
The stomach contents of a small pug were
sliced open to reveal the remnants or a midget-
sized man. Irbelieved that the man'was eaten
after he had covered his body in-strips of
bacon, and rolled around in a vat of scrambled
eggs in order to get some lovin' from his 500-
pound wife. The dog then mistook him for a
yummy snack. MONDAY
Martians Land
The world is going to be destroyed in exactly
22 minutes. Or approximately the time it takes
to get through an episode of 'the War at
Today on gropeandflail.com
Politics: How we got on the inside track with
Stephen Harpyseal, if you know what we
Try our poll: Who's fatter? Poprah or the
Hubble telescope. You decide.
Production manager tries to fill space
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Since 1999, West Croften Flower Georges Academy has been
the most prestigious private school in Vancouver
with our three pilllars of exclusivity:
High Fees
Selective Policies
Why care about your kids when we cam
vtEchn (PoecvosTizi <i<hrrhfovis cooicpo'Rqs
Ve ?,uLffw*
Marijuana Party leader
jockeying for top office
Embattled federal political
Marijuana Party leader
Marc Greenery has once
again been thrust into a controversial spotlight.
The leader of Canada's Marijuana
Party, who was jailed several months
ago after being convicted of selling
marijuana products in the US, has
been invited by the CBC to participate in the upcoming televised federal election debates. He would
appear via video link from his heavily cushioned prison cell.
"Finally they're going to give me a
chance," said Greenery. "This is
something for which my party and I
have been fighting for years. It's a
chance to prove we are a legitimate
voice in Canadian politics. I couldn't be more happy.''
Sorry what was I saying?
"After being gang raped for almost
219 consecutive nights, I'm glad to
be given the opportunity to participate in something not at my own
personal expense," he added.
Greenery, who's been confined to
a wheelchair for the past month due
to a ruptured sphincter, lamented
that he would not be allowed to
attend the debates in person.
"It's a shame, I really would like to
look Stephen Harpyseal in the eye
and tell him I would like to be the
next leader of Canada, but alas, my
ass hemoragghing acts as my biggest
Others, however, feel that his
invitation is a mockery of the political system.
"I think [it's absolutely disgraceful] that a common criminal would
be allowed to take part in the
debates," said Prime Minister
Stephen Harpyseal, whose government fell recently, by a vote of Non-
CBC President Robert Rabin-
ovitch was quick to defend the
broadcast. He vehemently dismissed allegations that he personally extended the invitation to Emery,
and that he expressed the view that
"Harpyseal makes Greenery look
like an absolute saint."
"I never said anything of the sort,"
Rabinovitch insisted, "and nor are
those my views regarding the Prime
Minister. I simply believe that Mr
Greenery's voice deserves to be
heard in these debates."
Greenery's boyfriend and cellmate Wanda, a 400 pound German
who's serving 20 years for
manslaughter, weighed in on
Greenery's chances.
"I can make any bitch of mine a
champion. I'll pillage him into
shape," said Wanda. "Seven months
of blood, sweat and semen will not
go to waste. I guarantee that."
The debates air next week, in
French on Monday at 8 pm, in
English on Tuesday at 6 pm, and in
Swahili on Wednesday first thing in
the morning. Whether any important issues will be discussed
remains to be seen.
UBC student protest
ends war in Iraq
The latest of the ongoing protests
against the imperialist actions of
U.S. President George W. Tush in
Iraq has somehow resulted in an
immediate armistice in the Middle
East, resulting in reactions that have
been less triumphant than incredulous and heavily confused from
A demonstration consisting of
twelve protestors stood outside the
University of British Columbia's
(UBC) Student Union Building last
week holding placards in the air in
such a powerful fashion that their
actions provoked a response from
"Yeah, uh...," said lead demonstrator Alison Morbine. "I'm...wow...you
know, you organize these protests
with the illusion that you're making
a difference. But...wow."
When asked if she was ecstatically happy with the outcome of her
efforts, and whether she felt they
had resulted in feelings of elation or
triumph, Morbine could hardly
muster a response, and scrambled
her mouth into a garbled shape
vaguely reminiscent MSN messenger emoticon denoting confusion.
Covering his head as doves and
white pigeons were released from
the roof of the White House,
President Tush came out to meet
the Grope and Flail amidst a crowd
of protestors disillusioned at the fact
that a tiny protest at a university in
Canada spoke louder to the Bush
administration than they did.
'Watching that dozen or so folks
on satellite imagery on Air Force
One," said the President, "it was so
inspiring. Them folks down there in
British Town, Colombia got themselves a lot of heart."
Responding to the question of
whether or not the US President
was out of his small mind, Tush
responded by diverting his attention
towards a man in a yellow hat spotted in the distance, dropped
clenched knuckles to the ground,
began scratching his back for ticks
and thereafter proceeded to dip his
palms in paint cans and decorate
the walls of the Capitol Building
with handprints.
Meanwhile, back at UBC, former
demonstrators have substituted
their previous activities with long
periods of head-scratching confusion. Previously radical public
debate groups on the war on Iraq
have since become stagnant while
the controversial Almost Matters
Society publication "The Bowel"
was recently taken out of production as students prepare for an
ambiguous future that has seen all
previous order brought down by revolution, leaving very little for students to rebel against.
At the final meeting of Morbine s
demonstration group, fellow protestors looked at her intently with
the same, pressing question: "Now
"Canada out of Afghanistan,
Israel out of Palestine," she responded, and the list went on and on and
on and on.
Machete wielding
toddler arrested outside
uor store
Customers recount nightmarish encounter
Life teetered on the edge of a blade
for patrons of a downtown liquor
store early yesterday morning when
a baby armed with a machete
stormed into the shop in an impish
According to witnesses, the
infant assailant uttered threats that
included "goo goo" and "ga ga" while
roguishly swinging his weapon.
Customers were bottled up inside
the store for nearly two hours
before a daring police raid put an
end to the baby's maverick playday.
Sources said the toddler was
whisked off to a nearby police
precinct for processing and changing.
In the end no one was harmed,
but for Archibald Hedgewick, 56
year-old store regular, it was an
ordeal that won't be forgotten soon.
"When the baby started screaming, I thought we were all gonna die
and not live," he said. "It was like
some nightmarish bad dream."
Hedgewick said he is indebted to
the bravery of the Vancouver Police
Department (VPD) for their skill
and bravery in dealing with situation, one he suspects probably
occurs quite often.
His suspicions may be correct.
Constable Sob Raguri of the VPD
described the recent string of
machete wielding babies as an "epidemic."
"There is not a doubt in my mind
that these attacks will occur until
some way is found to pacify the
rebellious infants," said Raguri. But
according to Liberal Member of
Parliament Johann Godpee, the
recent rash of violent babies can be
attributed to cuts in social spending.
Only one month prior to the
attack, Godpee noted, the
Conservative government slashed
support directed at illegitimate children of student-teacher sex affairs.
"When you take away money
from these babies, of course they
will turn to crime," he said. "Heck,
they gotta put pablum on the table
A court date has yet to set for the
Gerber swordsman. If convicted,
the baby could be sentenced to a
three years in a maximum security
gather to
death of
police turtle
Approximately 20,000 Vancou-
verites lined West Georgia Street to
pay tribute to Shelldon, a police turtle assigned to the Vancouver Police
Department's prestigious bomb
squad that died one week ago in a
friendly fire incident
The procession, led by Chief
Constable Jamie Graham, included
1,000 police officers from Western
Canada, Mayor Sam Sullivan,
Premier Gordon Campbell, Senior
Minister for B.C. Chuck Strahl, and
B.C. born actress Pamela Anderson,
a tireless advocate for animal rights.
The crowd was visibly moved during the'.'c^eniQrjy/aJt.'L^^Lg^Qn. ~f
- Chief Constable Grahanrspbke eloquently "about the sacrifice this dedicated turtle officer made for his
city, "Shelldon was made of harder
stuff than your or I. He was not with
us long but he made his made his
mark, and for that we are thankful.
As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote,
'Our is not to reason why; ours is but
to do or die.' Every officer that has
ever had to make a tough decision
— that has ever had to put his life
on the line — has a little bit of
Shelldon in him."
Local entertainer Raffi followed
Chief Constable Graham with an
alternative version of his popular
song "Baby Beluga," "Baby Shelldon
of the VPD."
Constable Shelldon's partner,
Aneesh Dosanjh, stifled tears as he
spoke to the crowd, "A turtle may be
slippery, but he is also elusive. A turtle may be slow, but he is also careful. A turtle may be small, but he is
also independent. Shelldon was not
just my partner, but my friend. I
can't quit his memory."
While Pamela Anderson's boobs
did not speak, the presence of the
animal rights advocate drew attention to the question on the minds of
so many that were present, "Why
was a turtle in the bomb squad?"
VPD has been filtering numerous
phone calls and emails over the past
week asking this very question.
'Turtles have been a part of civic
bomb squads all over North
America for almost ten years,"
explained VPD spokesperson
Howard Cho, "Their hard shells
make them the perfect agent to
quickly and efficiently neutralize a
bomb with no unnecessary loss of
human or animal life. It is regrettable that Shelldon was the first to
pass away on the line but we must
also remember the dozens of lives
that were spared by Shelldon's sacrifice. As long as turtles are willing to
serve, our streets are safer."
Constable Shelldon was given a
twenty-one-gun salute as Chief
Constable Graham ceremoniously
placed his body in a plastic bag with
a large rock.and tossed it in the
lagoon. A collective "kafloosh"
sound was made by those in attendance.
Shelldon was killed after some
colleagues flipped him on his back
and played a game of pick-up street
hockey during a routine stakeout.
The investigation into the death is
Armless water polo team
stromr-armed at finals
Lethbridge's powerful
offense leaves T-birds
Officials are still stumped by the
question of why UBC's armless
water polo team lost during last
week's Nationals.
Up five points with just three
minutes to go in the game, UBC
seemed to be cruising to an easy
victory over the Lethbridge
Longhorns, and their first national
championship in seven years.
The dynamics of the game
changed when Lethbridge suddenly took the upper hand, regaining
their composure and nailing six
straight points. The last goal by
fourth-year Lethbridge player Whit
Dennont went on to the eventual
UBC head coach Due Schbag
described himself as "mighty
perplexed" as to why his team
seemed to lose steam.
"We had the game in hand, I
don't know what happened," he
said. "We didn't look as limber in
the second half. It looked as if we
were missing something."
Team members had their own
theories at to what transpired.
"Our hands were tied; they were
playing dirty and underhandedly,"
complained UBC defenceman
Kerr Nalstubbs. "We just got
strong-armed in the last half of the
Nalstubbs said that he witnessed
numerous Lethbridge players knee
his teammates in the head.
'We couldn't stop it; we've got no
fucking arms.1" he said, emphatically. .
Official Harry Poohatch disagreed.  'Trie "calls were' Tair; the '
Hey man, pass me the ball, I can't reach.
plays were fair, I don't see what
UBC's problem is," he said. "What
I'm saying is,, that. I can't, see why
they lost, either. UBC had every
Poohatch, a referee of 15 years, Some of the parents, however,
said that UBC is acting like a were up in arms about the results,
bunch of sore losers. ^   r ( "Those kid$ aren't pushing.them-
"They're just being stubborn," he     selves  hard  enough  at  practice,"
said.  ' '"""said   the   mother  of  Nalstubbs.
'They were just playing around in
the pool."
"These kids have been .given a |
lot. They should  be ashamed of
themselves," she added.
Indo-Canadian thugs slam Vietnamese drug lords in gangland semifinals
Hell's Angels the only thing between them and Crips
Wiggers, gangbangers and hoodlums of all stripes and colours
turned out to maim, pillage, and
inflict fatal gunshot wounds to
rival members' groins this weekend in a new gang warfare sports
tournament that saw the Indo-
Canadian Thuggies (ICT) knock
rival Vietnamese Triads (VT)
The VT were having a lunch at a
Surrey Pho noodle house when
the ICT burst in and cut them
down in a flurry of gunfire.
Spectators were a little let down
with the brevity of the match, but
felt that — all in all — the excitement and athleticism more than
made up for it.
"The VT think they're hot-shit,
with all those different flavoured
soup noodles," said first-year
gangbanger Bindip Vangeet. "We
had to show them some that
we're the real spice of the orient."
The next round, the finals, will
Post-emption eminent
STRIKE from page A1
It has done little to providing liberty
and freedom to those who deserve it
"We preemptively attacked
Afghanistan because they were a
threat. But that wasn't enough.
With this doctrine we would establish a democracy there, then we
bomb them again, just to make
sure," he said.
"This is the greatest gift any sovereign nation could give to another
A fledgling democracy like
Afghanistan needs a swift freedom
kick in the rear, he said. "It's a definite contender for post-emption."
As casualties continue to rise and
the situation continues to deteriorate in Iraq, Bush has had his hands
full with thepublic outcry for troop
withdrawl. The current situation in
Iraq, he said, would most like be
handled in a similar fashion.
"As soon as the situation is stabilized in Iraq, we're gonna bomb
them again," he said. 'You can never
be too safe when it comes to freedom."
In a pre-emptive effort to quell
opposition to this, Bush has labeled
the policy 'freedom strikes.'
"It has a nice ring to it, dunnit?"
he said.
Critics are rebuking the bill saying
that post and emptive are contradictory.
"When yoti thought stupidity
couldn't be taken any fiirther, he
comes out with this," said Howard
Spleen, Democratic Party chairman. "What kind of backwards logic-
is this?"
"To think that blowing something up twice will solve the problem is complete lunacy. Mark my
words, we're looking for ways for
our party to be submissive and
passive in this matter," he said.
"When it comes to the Democratic-
Party, we're getting ready to lay
down and get marched all over. In
this particular instance, that's what
we plan to do."
Vice-president Dick Cheney reaffirmed Bush's stance.
"It'll cost less American lives, and
it'll allow for our wartime economy
to continue to flourish. It's a win-
win," he quacked.
"There's an estimated 100,000
civilians dead from the current war.
Another 100,000 should do it. And
if need be, we'll institute a post-
post-emptive strike, just to make-
make sure."
see the ICT take on the Hell's
Angels at the local 24-hour Knight
and Day restaurant.
After play in the finals, one of
these lucky teams will take home
the 20-kilo Meth Cup and receive
a meth lab kit as a bonus prize. The
runners-up get to go home in stylish Mizuno body-bags.
Stroking his pubic playoff beard,
Hell's Angels captain, Lak Sativa
said that they would show no
mercy when it came to the ICT
"Last week I made a meth-head
eat a bag of broken glass because
he couldn't pay me. This weekend
I'm   going to  make   those  ICTs
More about poo
POOP frontpage A1
While the reporters in attendance
tried to stand on their chairs, to
avoid the putrid waste, Mr.
Chrdtien reached down, picked up
a clump of shit, and threw it at Mr.
Turner, hitting him in the chest. A
massive shit-fight ensued, with both
candidates, and Mr. Chretien's
interpreter, receiving an almost
equal dousing of shit.
In an overzealous attempt to
restore order, the token RCMP officer present shot the sole National
Post reporter in the leg.
Eventually the barrage ended,
and the remaining reporters were
ushered to a side room for closing
remarks from the candidates. Mr.
Turner simply stated that his experiences with older voters (his peers),
Western Canadians (his one-time
riding of Vancouver Quadra's constituents) and the youth (his grandchildren) made him the best candidate. Mr. Chretien's response confused even his translator: "I am a
good leader. How can I prove that?
With proof. A proof is a proof. What
kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof
is a proof, and when you have a
good proof it's because it is proven."
The future leader will not be
known for another two weeks as a
lengthy process of dry cleaning and
translating must first take place.
drink lighter fluid and set themselves on fire."
At a press scrum after a weekend that left seven dead and
dozens more injured, surviving
athletes from both sides of the
turf war were eager to talk about
their enthusiasm for gangbanging,
on the condition that they remain
"It takes a lot of work to get to
where we are right now," said one
member. "Prostitution, money
laundering, extortion, blackmail,
fraud: people just don't realize
how much training and self-sacrifice is involved in that."
One of the thugs, Scott
Brusche, complained that his
sport isn't given enough credit
among other, more mainstream
sports. He says positive contributions, such as feelings of brotherhood, a shared sense of masculine identity and the sowing of
fear and loathing are just a few of
the things that aren't valued by
the rest of society.
At the end of the day, Brusche
says, it's all about putting something back into the community.
"It's crazy out there," he said,
"Families are falling apart. Kids
need role models."
Dissent is a thing
of the past, say
pharmaceutical reps
PILL from page A1
Of original thought processing time
the body needs (up from 53 per
cent in 2000).
Activists, irate over the release of
the pill, say this is unconstitutional.
"Independent thought is one of
the cornerstones of a free society,"
said Lefty Leaner, an activist in
New York. "We wouldn't we be able
to discern if the Backstreet Boys
were actually any good or not or
know whether having slaves is bad
or not."
"Unthinking is the new sex," says
John K. Boredman, a New York
pharmacist and co-author of The
Personality Answer. "People want it,
need it and can't get enough."
According to Patricia Dud, Merck
media relations, this pill will help
everyone be more alike. "I'm not different from anyone else, why should
I bother to think I could be?"
"Think about it," continued Dud.
"We already have pills to stop
women's menstrual cycles, and to
stop legs from shaking. It's the
nature of evolution."
UBC pharmacy professor Allen
Meds is offering cautious optimism,
"There have yet to be tests on
long-term effects but with the creation of this drug, if enough people
take it, no one would worry about
such a problem."
He added, "there are so many side
effects that accompany the drug
that it cannot be considered safe."
"Do you call violent bloody diarrhea, flatulence and compulsive
vomiting safe?" he asked. "Those
marketers are sneaky fellows."
But Dud contends that the positives outweigh the negatives in this
"I can't comprehend why anyone
would not enjoy this pill. 1 took one
yesterday and I feel so great," said
Dud. "I was planning on staging a
Coup sometime this week, but now
I just want to vomit and have violent
bloody dianhea. This all thanks to
Dance Idol
Dogs, death and glitter
amongst scandal
This past weekend at the Trojan
SuperDuperDome over 3,000 participants donned bright and glittery
costumes as they competed in an
event more grueling than the
Olympic Games. Contestants of all
shapes, sizes, ages, races, sexes and
mental capacities converged in
Vancouver for the annual two-day
festival-style competition known as
'World Interpretive Dance Idol."
Competitors register in one of
three categories — individual, group
or animal accompaniment — and
prepare for the judges with both
long and short programs. After a
series of divisionals the 'World
Interpretive Dance Idol' is determined by the last two competitors
performing spontaneous dance
interpretations to a mystery song
that they hear only as their routine
"Deciding on a starting pose that
will win you the "World Interpretive
Dance Idol" title is incredibly difficult," said Ida Dunnett. 'You haven't
heard the music yet, and once the
first crackle comes out of those
speakers you might realize you just
picked a horrible and ill-matched
starting position!"
Scandal was rampant at this year's
"World Interpretive Dance Idol."
Not only was there rigged judging,
but there was also a costume malfunction that resulted in the mooning of the audience, a dog and monkey love affair off stage — much to
the chagrin of their human partners
competing in the category — and
even the FCC stepped in to censor
a performance.
Harry and Anita Dick were
pegged as the winners of the group
"World Interpretive Dance Idol"
title after their fabulous short program performance on Saturday. All
that changed, however, when the
Dicks pushed the limits of acceptability; the Dicks long program
presented on Sunday was choreographed to Barry White's "Let's Get
It On" and featured the brother and
sister duo seducing each other on
"Really there is no other way to
capture the spirit of Barry White
other than to get it on — and that's
exactly what we did," stated Harry
"I'm really very sad that the judges
were put off by our performance,"
commented Anita Dick. "Sex is
such a natural human activity and I
feel our timing and choice of positions complemented the music
The mystery song round was
between the threesome from
Ethiopia and the quintet group from
Antarctica. Both teams put together
heart-warming interpretations of
Slayer's "Angel of Death," but the
Ethiopian team took home the
crown with their dramatic and sentimental program ending — Team
Ethiopia finished their performance
with the angel character beating the
other dancers to death.
"I am so very sad that I had to kill
my teammates, but that is the
nature of the group interpretive
competition — you must do what
will be most beneficial to the group
as a whole and because of my
actions we won the competition,"
shouted Bahir Jima as he was
escorted out of the building by
police late Sunday evening.
The animal accompaniment category of "World Interpretive Dance
Idol" was dominated by a one
human and an eight dog team from
Mexico. As the thumping beats of
"Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the
Baha Men echoed across the stage
the lone human blitzed in front of
the audience as the eight dogs,
all Chihuahuas and Golden
Retrievers, all vying to hump his
two legs.
One dance that stood out was an
individual performance where a
commericial product mimicked art
to the sounds of Karma Chameleon
by Culture Club. This performance
stole the attention or the entire
audience and grabbed the gold
Tlie subject who truly gropes or flails the Chief
Magistrate will probably receive no candy and
might not get to 'roll up the rim to win.' - JUNIUS
Edward "I touch myself" Devilspawn, Editor-in-chief
Silly "Let's make love in the grave in" Stead, Deputy Editor
Neal "I don't hire from the Ubyssey" Cambully, Executive Editor
Colin "Thang" McStrokin' John Shit-Brickhouse CadVCcn^lete ms" Bratwurst
Managing Editor, News Editor, Report on Business       Managing Editor, Features
David "Feeling" Phat
Editorial Art Director
The Grope and Flail is a division of Bell Gropemedia Pubic Publishing Inc., 444 Flaunt St. W., Toronto, Canada M5V 2S9
Tel: 555-YOU-TOOL • Fax: nope • MSN: Foxxy_Lady69 • The Grope and Flail was founded in yo' mama
Stephen Harpyseal:
A speech fit for a king
Prime Minister Harpyseal's throne
speech will be a triumphant
beginning to the new parliamentary session and to his ascendancy as the strongest leader Canada has
seen in, oh, let's say, 12 years, two
months and 21 days. And we are still
really happy we tola you to vote for him.
That wasn't a mistake at all, no sir! The
David Emerson/Michael Fortier cabinet
fiasco did nothing to sway us even
slightly and certainly did not expose Mr
Harpyseal as just the kind of hypocritical, partisan, opportunistic politico-
scum he used to campaign against. No
The speech was circulated to- the
media ahead of today's reading by the
radiant Governor-General Michelle
Jaundice, a woman who makes Adrienne
Quackson look every bit the unfuckable
hag that she is. Yo, John Rollyston,
you've been riding those coattails long
enough! You don't live in Rideau Park
anymore...MOVE ON! Do not give that
dog a bone.
Michelle Jaundice, though, goddamn.
We, and in using 'we,' we mean everybody — T-Rex Murphy, McGregore,
Greenspawn, Yawn Ibbitson, Jeffrey
Simpleson (especially Simpleson), Ken
Thumpson, hell, even wee Johnny Boyle
— we would tap that ass in a second,
separatist or no. Hotcha. Anyways...
So, Her Excellency the Right
Honourable Michelle Jaundice, will lay
(ha! We wish!) out the government's
plan for the next year and it couldn't be
better. The Tories are the only ones willing to stand up to the Liberals insane
social policy. The era of laissez-faire
hedonism is over. We applaud the
Tories' measures rescinding gay marriage. Wait, did we say 'marriage'? We
meant rights. And we said 'rescinding'
too, didn't we? We meant outlawifica-
tion of.' Who cares if it's not a word!
Homos are on the run! Yee haw! And you
knew it was going to happen, didn't you?
Why else would you vote for Harpyseal's
conservatives: they're some of the most
intolerant candidates the Canadian
electorate has ever faced. Awesome!
We applaud, also, the prime minister's
dismantling of women's centres across
the country. There aren't any men's centres, are there? So why have chick centres? There's your fucking inequality.
And feminists are a danger to anyone
who cares about maintaining a patriarchal, racist, capitalist society in this
country; just ask Margie Wente, she
understands bitches.
And while tax cuts must be undertaken with a keen eye to the future, the
complete elimination of corporate taxes
will never be regretted. If Canada is too
succeed in a global marketplace, corporations whose only motive is profit must
(MUST) be unfettered by government.
Businesses make money: that's what
they do best. Why would you take
money away from business? That's like
taking a basketball away from Michael
Jordan! Love the game, c'mon!
Let's see, what else...ah, pedophiles!
The Tories are the only party that has
ever cared about locking up pedophiles.
This is true. And they also care about
missile defence. Thats bound to stabilize the balance of power in the world
and keep Canada safe from all those
ICBMs pointed at us by Denmark. Ah
Denmark, at least the Tories have the
balls to stand up to the hegemonic
aggressor that just can't seem to accept
that Hans Island is ours dammit!
Hottest thing ever: Stephen Harper
banging Michelle Jaundice on Hans
Island. It could be a CBC special —
heck someone might actually watch that
Canada's drug solution, etc
his one goes out to all the homies
south of the border. It's about
time you fucking Yankees stop
catching our marijuana peddlers
and arresting them. That's our job. We
want those drug abusers arrested and hurt
the Conservative Canadian way. None of
this hangin' bullshit. They need to be hog-
tied like a piece of Canadian back-bacon,
stuck in a igloo for ten days. Then their
arms should be chopped off with blunt
hockey-stick while a rabid beaver gnaws at
their brain. This is to be followed by a
troupe of polar bears who will expect to be
fed poutine by the perpetrators gnawed
and bloodied stumps. Finally, a shrunken
toque will be filled with Wakerton water
and pulled over the remnants of their
brain. That's the only way to fix those gateway-drug fuckers. And until President
George W. Tush understands how to really bring on the war against drugs, we'd
appreciate it, if he kept his grubby little
hands off our criminals.
And for those meth-heads out there, you
need to take less shit when you get close to
the border; if you want to get your stash
across, then you need to look less wigged
out. Trying to grab the sky and claiming you
can see sound are all tips to the border
guards that you are whacked out. Try to
conceal your \dolent shaking when crossin'
the border.
The same goes for you heroin dealers—
when carrying balloons of smack in your
stomach, remember that laxatives and heroin balloons don't mix. Try hiding syringes in
your anus. Your anus is a magical black-
hole, a void that can suck light. And don't
try to stick them in a cute defenceless
puppy either. Fucking sicko. Those that do
that should be drowned in a giant vat of
maple syrup and be planted in field offleur
de tys.
Some have said that Canada is a drug
dealer's haven and that we have a lawless
society. Obviously, those who say that have
never realised that all of the dealers are
coming from the even more drug-riddled
United States. Perhaps the Americans
should get off their asses and deal with their
drug problem and stop keeping drugs out of
And mind control: maybe Americans
should take a page out of the Canadian
book for controlling your population. We do
this with our chemtrails.
Oh yeah, and you fucking Americans, stop
taxing our softwood lumber—assholes!
Don't make us take out our beaver pelts
and beat the shit out of y'all. Peace, we
Timmy Ho Ho's Ads Bomb
f you're a company that resorts to
exploiting the experiences of Asian
immigrants to Canada to sell a goddamn double-double coffee, than a
bomb blast is the least you deserve.
We're used to the ridiculously sappy crap
you put out, but come on! What happened at the ad agency brainstorming
Ad guy 1: Hey, we should use hockey to
sell coffee.
Ad guy 2: Don't we do that for every
other fucking ad?
Ad guy 1: But we can throw Asians in it!
C'mon man!
Ad guy 2: Yeah, and we can make it
extra crappy and no one can criticize it
'cause then they'd look racist.
Here's an idea. How 'bout making an
ad that has something to do with the
crappy product you're trying to sell. Or
wait, we guess you could just make some
ad where the timbits live in a racially
equal world, and hope that will somehow
make us want to eat them. And then
cover them in caramel. Actually, we
retract that bit about timbits, they're
actually pretty good, unlike that stuff you
call coffee.
Hey fcw [    1 wt     I Ivnvnv*   *H*e.
Gv\    all      Ooi(j    d.t\^   iT~   *4©
Ballsy move
Re: "Harpyseal is dead sexy"
(Mar 29th) I am appalled by
the fact that The Grope ana
Flail found it necessary to print
such lewd and pornographic
images of Stephen Harpyseal
throwing a baseball. The image
of Harpyseal's strong masculine
hand gripping and squeezing
that round, rock-hard ball got
my loins a quivering like never
before. I was left gripping the
kitchen counter in ecstasy
waiting for my orgasm to be
over, my thumb caressihg his
sweet brown-haired head. I
could barely function for the
rest of the day; my labia juices
just kept on flowing. I hope
that the next time the Grope is
picking front-page photographs
they pick ones that don't show
Harpyseal flexing his hot, hot
masculine strength.
a I am glad to hear women
(and, ugh, men) still cream
themselves at the site of me. I
realize that my physique has
deteriorated over the years.
Weighing 315 pounds, it's been
hard getting rid of die freshman 40 I gained during my
first year in '67.
Ottawa, Ont.
Fuck you grandma
One would think that after
being related to someone fo" 17
years that they would help ya"
out money-wise, and not be
illin' on ya" when they catch yav
slipping yov fingers into their
fat daisy-patterned wallet. ahs
mean, mosey on down on
grams, it's just a Benjamin. I'm
so sick uh her trying to lecture
me on my drug habit, ah" mean
dope be neva* goin" tohurt me.
Despite what enny The Grope
and Flail articles may say. F-U
POPPA G, Sudbury
Husband-stealing hussies
I read recendy online that
Reeses Weatherspoon was
caught sunbathing naked with
a cold fish between ho- legs.
I'm surprised that with these
new developments in the war
against whorism, The Grope
and Flail would continue to
review movies staring these no
good husband-stealing hussies.
Just two weeks ago, The Grope
featured a story about those no
good Oldson twins. Barely legal
and barely clothed, it wouldnt
surprise me if they were caught
tag-teaming Bob Saggit's cock
while Jessica Simpleton poured
a banana split onto her vaginal
orifice. It's about time that The
Grope followed the footsteps of
America's Deep South, and
kept women actresses off the
screen, out of the world of free
choice and back into the
kitchen with their legs spread
for their husbands where they
(except for her husband), Calgary
Anything for love
Some days it don't come easy,
and some days it don't come
hard. Some days it don't come
at all, and these are the days
that never end. Some nights
you're breathing fire, and some
nights you're carved in ice.
Some nights you're like nothing
I've ever seen before or will
again. Maybe I'm crazy, but it's
crazy and it's true I know you
can save me, no one else can
save me now but you.
But I'll never forgive myself if
we don't go all the way tonight.
Some nights I just lose it all
when I watch you dance and
die thunder rolls. But I'll never
do it better than I do it with
you, so long, so lone. And I
would do anything for love, oh
I would do anything for love. I
would do anything For love, but
I won't do that, no no no I
won't do that. I would do anything for love, anything you've
been dreaming of. But I just
won't do that.  ■
Will you cater to every fantasy I got? Will ya hose me down
with holy water, if I get too
hot? Will you take me places
I've never known? I can do
Blow it
I really appreciated your feature piece on environmental
issues last week. It's about time
that everyone thought about
the products they use. A simple solution to disposable tissues is to use your dog. While
reusable handkerchiefs can get
messy and fill up quickly, your
dog has lots of fur to go
around. Simply pick up the
pup and blow. Later take your
pup for a walk along Lake
Ontario and let him jump in.
That should clean him up.
Sustainability. It's for everyone.
Don't forget next time
Bob, you forgot your keys at my
place. Sorry, but I'm too cheap
to take out a classified and too
lazy to call you. Swing by anytime after 8pm and I can give
'em to you.
PM needs more children
Re: "Harpyseal to donate to
local sperm bank" (Mar 22nd).
I think it's great that Stephen
Harpyseal is going to lend his
seed to those in need. I know
I'd love to have one of his kids
harping around my house.
Whoever said diat the gov
ernment has no place in the
bedroom of Canadians didn't
live in an age where you could
Prime Ministerial sperm from a
PHIL MIUP, Saskatoon
Behind the times
The Grope and Flail has been
missing out on one of the
greatest phenomenon to grace
the pages of any newspaper. I   -
am an avid reader of this paper
and value the solid and unbiased content presented each
day. However, I am extremely
saddened that The Grope and
Flail has not run any graphic
images of the adoraole litde
Peanut People that I have seen
in the pages of other national
caliber newspapers. What are
you editors thinking? Honesdy,
Peanut People are the best
rucking thing ever. I am disappointed, usually The Grope and
Flail is on top of the latest
trends and late-breaking
news—but in the case of
Peanut People The Grope and
Flail is sadly lacking.
Due to my somewhat unusual
use of The Grope and Flail — I
often choose this fine newspaper to aid me when I take
myself to Pleasure Mountain
(population: one 6.3 inch
cock). Unfortunately, the decision makers at The Grope and
Flail don't shell out the extra
dough to have silky smooth
pages. Come on guys — I'm
chafing here! Jack off the subscribers...! mean jack up the
subscription rates...yeah.
I am a coward
Honey, I'm sorry to announce
this to you in a national newspaper, but...I've been cheating
on you for the last 12 years.
My feelings for the dog are just
too strong. Fluffy s long and
puffy fur does it for me in ways
that you can't. I am moving
away and taking Fluffy with me
so we can begin our passionate
life together. I know you will
miss Fluffy and all the great
times you had with him -—-
maybe when I know our bond
is too strong to be broken I will
return for a visit. Hope this
doesn't come as too much of a
shock for you. Oh, also the cat
didn't do it for me, but I think
she might be scared for life.
■ I, too, have been having sexual relations with our dog.
When I am making love you
with, I am often thinking of
our dog, and his big, long hot
dog. When I was breastfeeding
our son last year, I would often
squeeze a litde bit of God's natural juice into his mouth. It
was arousing, and I got off on
numerous occasions. I'm actually quite hot now.
St. Catharines, Ont.
Discrace and discrimination
Last week The Grope and Flail
ran an article on the challenges faced by stuffed animals with severe developmental diseases. One individual's
story touched my heart — it
was the story of downs_pooh.
That'poprbear! The abuse he
suffers at his- workplace Is
absolutely repulsive.
Downs_poon is chucked
around the office all day,
forced to pose for inappropriate pictures, and was once
locked in a small box in a cupboard for the duration of an
entire weekend! I am so glad
that an upstanding news
source like The Grope and
Flail has the guts to expose
this type of barbaric behaviour.
EL CLAUDIO, Burnquiilam
Bird flu gone too far
After reading in The Grope that
cats in Germany were contracting the bird flu, I was absolutely disgusted. Kill those god
damned fucking birds already.
Take every fucking chicken in
the known universe put them
in Australia and bomb the
fuckers. All the inhabitants
there are just a bunch of
bloody criminals anyway.
Le masthead
I am concerned by the actions
of senator Duncan McHugh
who ate George Prior and Eric
Szteo's sandwiches. I fucking
saw him do it. We should not
be writing articles about him.
The public doesn't know the
real him.
He was standing by Jesse
Marchand's coffee shop with
his fellow senators Michelle
Mayne and Yinan Max Wang
sipping away at his Paul Evans
cookies and Trevor Gilks
mochas thinking they were all
that. Humbug! I decided to be
polite and gave him my
Claudia Li smile which only
made him give me a Mary
Leighton scowl as he Amanda
Started himself towards Prior
and Szeto's sandwiches made
with real Levi Bametts.
If all this wasn't enough, I
saw McHugh pour Golleen
Tang squares my friends
Andrew MacRae and Megan
Smyth. He didn't even apologize. I wanted to pumen
him Bryan Zandberg style
but only managed a D.
WinterWhite lack. My other
friend Alina Lo shook her
head in agreement. Senator
McHugh should be hung for
his actions. No one should
ever eat someone else's
■. :-.~;Jl
■ i: v4|
mm A6
Ass-cracks & Arguments
FAX: 80087355
Seeking holed mate to pair up
Lost cocks mock us with greetings from the planet of holes
that got lost in the dryer. BY COCKY MCCOCKERSON
White, black, big, small,
round, long, tube-shaped:
it doesn't matter. It's a lonely life for singles. Single
cocks, I mean. In the beginning, they
were part of a perfect union. They
went out together all the time. Then
suddenly they were alone. Let's face it.
We dont know what to do with single
cocks. We just hide them away; they
certainly don't go out any more. They
cling (some say it's static) to the hope
of a reunion with their mate. They long
to have, once again, a cock's life.
What actually happens to cocks is
laundry's dirty little secret. While no official numbers are kept, unofficial estimates indicate that between a million
and a billion individual cocks go missing
in Canada every year. I cannot stress
enough that those are just the unofficial
numbers. In our own home, the tally of
the missing has probably surpassed the
100 mark over the years. Some missing
cocks are eventually reunited with their
mates. Many others, however, are never
seen again. If it weren't for single cocks
left behind, their disappearances would
go unnoticed.
But in our house the plight of single
cocks is noticed — every day we try to
find one to wear. The situation raises
many questions:
Are missing codes victims of foul
play? Who benefits from the disappearance of all these cocks? Why are urologists silent on the issue? Is there a connection between single cocks and the
mysterious sightings of single anus's in
pubic places?
Just vyhen Yd. thought, I'd seen every
cock variant, a mutant strain with
frightening potential arose recently.
Not sufficient to be unique by their
length, colour, thread, style, and texture, these new cocks also have individual days of the week knitted into
them. Whoever came up with this idea
ought to be incarcerated for the public
good. And of course, it had to happen:
Staring me in the face were single
"Tuesday" and "Friday" cocks. Other
than this major difference, the cocks
were otherwise only slightly different;
it only seemed to amplify the cock
mockery. In simpler times when cocks
were seen and not read, one could
occasionally fight back with a "close-
enough" pairing strategy. But I'm pretty sure riding a "Tuesday" and a
"Friday" at the same time contravenes
some natural or supernatural law of
the universe. Particularly if it's
Searching for answers while searching for cocks, I came up with the following possible solutions:
Cock strings: This innovation was
initially pioneered by the mitten industry in response to a similar problem. A
long string would connect each cock in
a pair. The string would run up and
down each leg, so proper sizing is
important. Unfortunately, if the string
is too short, the act of stretching your
legs might pull your pants down. And if
you are ever in a public situation in
which it's normal to take your cocks off
(for a walk on the beach, for example^,
your cocks would drag behind you.
They could gather sand, seashells, and
sometimes even small fish. This would
conspicuously identify you as someone
who could not keep their cocks in
order. It could also affect fragile
Spin-cycle dating: Put all single
cocks in the wash at once and hope
they find their match in the spin cycle.
I'm not sure how this would work, but
it's trendy and could at least lift their
Establish a National Cock Exchange:
A National Cock Exchange would be a
market-based system for the efficient
trading of cocks. Elegant as it would be,
a National Cock Exchange is probably a
non-starter in Canada due to "jurisdictional issues." I can hear the provinces
already: "All cocks are local!" they would
exclaim. They're probably right.
Same-cocks marriage: The only
other solution I can think of is the so-
called same-cocks marriage solution,
where you buy many pairs of identical
cocks.  When  one  goes  missing,  it's
quickly re-paired with an identical
cock. Some would argue that this solution fails to honour the original match.
Worse still, the indiscriminate matching of same cocks would put us on a
slippery slope that may one day lead to
marriages of three or more cocks. I
don't think this is a reasonable objection. No one is saying everyone has to
solve their cocks problem this way.
Personally though,   I  find the  same-
cocks solution to be too homogeneous,
while the issue is inherently heterogeneous. This much at least is certain:
it's a darn shame our house is awash in
single cocks.
How I long for summer. By then I
should be able to find my sandals.
Cocky McCockerson lives in Prince
Edward Island with his wife, who
loves cocks.
Talking heads
The world's first disembodied
talking head said she was ready
for retirement yesterday, earning
her the attention of a world curious to see what a talking head
does when it isn't spewing out
Martog Pipper, president of
University of Bloated Citizens-
Global (UBC-G) asserted she
already has a towering 'things-to-
do' list, which includes learning
how to say "global citizen" in
every language on earth and penning a memoir of her time at
UBC-G, tentatively tided Stop
Making Sense: How robot-language nets corporate windfall on
the West Coast.
Dress code
On September 12, the University of .British Conformity surprised the world with the
announcement that it was going
to be the first publicly funded
post-secondary institution to
endorse a dress code.
"We found students were
doing it anyway, and so for all of
us in the administration, [the
decision] was just a means of
demonstrating some semblance
of control," sighed newly elected
president Stephen Toope\
For the five or six students that
weren't coming to class in
Lululemon apparel, the news
was met with only positive,
proactive reactions.
"I predict being able to do
Downward-Facing Dog between
classes will be a release," said one
student, speaking to the
increased range of access in her
Others cited the inclusion they
felt, as if part of something
greater in which their identities
melded into a sort of unrecognizable mass.
"I woke up one morning and
realized I was surrounded by
amazing friends," said another
student. "Now we all go out driving together in our SUVs and jot
down personal goals."
Meta meta meta-turd
An NYU doctorate student
recently earned her laurels with a
thesis with 9,419 words that
began with the prefix "meta."
Julienne S'mar-Teepants, a
luminous academic studying
postmodern literary theory, said
she didn't think she would ever
be able to bring such a powerful
surmise to bear on human artistic production.
"I felt, and still feel, like a god,"
related S'mar-Teepants, "Like a
metagod, I mean."
Professors across North America
hailed the achievement with hon-
V^orary degrees and chairs on prestigious research committees.
"I'd gush, but I'd have to dip
into metalinguistics to find the
words," said one academic, "and
then of course you plebian
numb-nuts wouldn't understand
one word of what I was saying."
"This is contribution goes
beyond anything we've seen
before. It's too bad a layperson
won't be able to fathom a damn
word of it."
Really dumb factoid
Why are you still reading this
drivel? Honestly, you people are
So Paris Hilton walks into a bar
with a dog under her arms and the
bartender goes, "Hey, nice dog."
Paris fires back, "It's isn't a pig, it's a
duck shitface," and the bartender
says, "Actually, you're holding a
dog you dumb bitch. Wow, you are
Deep thought du jour
'You know what would make a
good story? Something about a
clown who make people happy,
but inside he's real sad. Also, he
has severe diarrhea."
— Jack Handy
poochuckingmonkey@gpf ca
Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson
Reclusive son, single father: Born
June 23,1967 in a bathroom stall
in Seattle, Washington. Died
March 29, 2006 on a gurney in
Kingston, ON, aged 58.
In 1999, Carrot Top broke onto the
scene with his witty antics and his esoteric prop-based comedy. His appearances on Jay Leno quickly catapulted
him to the top of the
comedy world; he was
compared at times to
legendary comedians
Rick Moranis and
Dustin Diamond.
He had humble
beginnings, however.
Ridiculed relendessly
by the school kids
because of his orange
hair, he learned at an Carrot Top
early age that if he
was to ever to be accepted in life, he would
have to do it by being funny. But this didn't mean being funny in the conventional
"ha ha" sort of way, rather, he would be the
focus of ridicule.
At 19, Carrot Top started his comedy
career by telling jokes, but he soon discovered that he wasn't funny. So he did the
one thing he knew would always get him a
laugh. Self-crotch-affliction. So he resorted to hurting himself, punching himself in
the crotch, hitting his head on his crotch
and getting people to hit him in the crotch.
It was a smash. It was money. He was
money. Critics labeled him the next greatest thing since Screech from "Saved by the
Bell" in 1991.
But that all came to a screeching halt.
In June of 1993, while doing his act at a
LA comedy club, his life almost came to
an abrupt end when an audience member accidentally shoved an ice-pick into
his groin.
He realized then that he would need to
find a new way of entertaining his audiences; he wasn't going to survive another
two years of groinal-abuse.
And, in 1999, after starring along side
Pauly Shore in his unsuccessful debut film
"Karrote Kid," he discovered his niche.
Prop comedy. But he was wrong. People
didn't care for his method of comedy; they
cared more about whether his carpet
matched his drape. And therein lay Carrot
Top's biggest insecurity: his carrot bottom.
He yearned for the day when he could look
towards his crotch and not see orange.
And thus, the eternal question began to
haunt him like a stubborn tuber that
couldn't be pulled from the garden patch.
Audience members ignored his comedy
routine and heckled him. "Show us your
carrot bottom!" or "Reveal to us your
orange orangutan!"
He tried everything to rid himself of his
orange-loined curse. In 2001 he discontinued using black hair dye because it was
only temporary relief, and the hair that
grew in his nether region was continuous.
He could not stop the orange menace.
He tried everything to rid himself of his
orange curse, dye, razors, paperbags, dong
socks, Brazilian bikini waxes and even duct
tape. So consumed with his carrot bottom
he sought help a plastic surgeon, who
could guarantee that his problem would
disappear with the touch of a button.
And that is where Carrot Top lost his
life: on the gurney, getting electrolysis. His
salvation became the source of his demise.
Carrot Top lived two lives. On one side,
he had a blossoming prop comedy career.
On the other lay a terrible affliction, one
where his carrot bottom plagued his well-
being and eventually took his life.
Jim-din Kapp
Jim is an A&T spokesperson and in fact the
only person that would speak to thisfreakjob.
Don't just push with the cock that you've got. Extend your 'subscription.' Call 1.866.LTL.UNTL
Don't   miss  a   single   lay


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