UBYSSEY EDITION • WEATHER: WHO THE HELL KNOWS ANYMORE, BUT I THINK IT'S SPRING. MAP AND DETAILS, S2 THE PERILS OF DINING ON BARBIE LEGS S&P/TSX COMPOSITE 90210 A 3.14 SUCH AS HAVING ONE'S PHOTO OF DOING IT PUBLISHED ON THE FRONT PAGE, A13 THE GROPE AND FLAIL CANADA'S CRAPTATIONAL TOILETPAPER ■ FOUNDED 1918 ■ GROPEANDFLAIL.COM ■ TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2006 South Dakota expands abortion laws Masturbation, ovulation outlawed as state clamps down on needless killing of innocent gametes BY BASILLUS MAXIMUS, PIERRE Lawmakers in South Dakota have raised the bar for social conservatism yet again after introducing new legislation that makes masturbation and ovulation criminal offences with harsh sentences. Citing non-existent Bible passages, Governor Mike Hounds argued that the recent total abortion ban doesn't go far enough when it comes to protecting human life, But for now, Hounds is focused on the challenge of getting the state assembly to approve his plan. "Actually, you know what? The more I think about, South Dakotans are pretty dumb, so it'll probably pass." Nurdilinger did predict that the law will be difficult for the state to enforce. Masturbation occurs behind closed doors and with alarming frequency. "You gotta figure that the average which he feels includes sperm and guy breaks the law repeatedly every egg cells. day," he said. "And if each time hes "We want to send a clear message killing millions upon millions, that's to the men of this state that beating a lot of paperwork for the police." your meat is nothing short of mass murder," he proclaimed at an anti- choice rally over the weekend. He reserved equally damning words for women: "every month innocent eggs are bloodily murdered and no one seems to care," he said. "Every year billions of sperm and hundreds of thousands of eggs — potential human lives — are discarded as if they are nothing," he said. "This is a grave injustice that needs to be addressed." Supporters of the proposed law felt confident that while not a complete solution, the law would cause a significant drop in masturbation and ovulation rates in the state. Meanwhile, opponents of the legislation held a rally to protest the governor's recent announcement. -.——!J£-there's.-one^thing^this -state needs to abort, it's Governor Meatt. Pounds," said anti-life activist arid rally organizer Enfanti Side. Protestors also took issue with the proposed sentence: anyone caught -Viif Att nKi irrH/'iM tvt i-r'4-' +firi - ■ y.wV#%ic.;U.ra.jLniviiv iuqv•«.>©-. ■ ■ L:cttic^feA7'yy y; ittllT^PdN:Assjsty' i '"■•''■ DUMBASS ^Airsersc^iis. A14 Post-emptive strikes are freedom strikes: Bush BY N' BEANS, WASHINGTON In an effort to step up the 'War on Terror" President'Bush unveiled, an masturbating or ovulating would be updated Bush Doctrine that reforti- forced to have five children. 'The world s already overpopulat- ed," stated Side. "I mean, how much more backwards can this state get?" Lots more, say conservatives. In fact, sources close to Governor Pounds say that he has plans to implement an "unaffirmative action" program that would , give fied his resolve to rid the world of terrorist threats. The Bush Doctrine: "Preemption And Dominance" will now have an added clause that Whitehouse strategists believe will help curtail logistical problems that have ensued when implementing democracies by force. "I call it the post-emptive strike," MUFFIN WANG/THE GROPE AND FLAIL Masturbators and ovulators raised loose fists yesterday to protest South Dakota's newest legislation. They walked in opposition to the law that would make masturbation and ovulation criminal offenses. preference for job placement to het- said Bush during a White Housing erosexual white men, a demograph- press briefing. ' Preemptive strikes ic he feels is underrepresented in aren't complete. government and throughout North American society. See STRIKES on page A4 Latest pill curtails independent thought BY POOTIE TANGO, NEW YORK Cranialmusilix is the hottest pill to hit the pharmaceutical industry since the "Shaky Leg" pills that inhibit individuals from shaking nervously. The pills, which were launched by Merck Pharmaceutical last Friday afternoon in a nearby Index, page A2 Births & Deaths, S8 $1 including tax in metro areas. Price may be higher outside. 867 " 5309 Walmart, impede the ability to form any independent thoughts. Merck officials were elated with the news. "If we had this pill during the French revolution, or even the American revolution, we wouldn't be in this situation right now," said Lester Denmark, Merck representative. "Coup d'etats? Revolutionary zeal? We can now stop that." "Dissent will be a thing of the past," he said. American Health Foundation (AHF) estimates that the average time spent in revolutionary thought in Canada will drop by more than 30 per cent with the help of this new wonder-drug. By last year, 61 per cent of people were getting by with less than eight hours. See PILL on page A4 Shit-slinging turns literal at Liberal press conferenece BY PHIL MCCRAKIN, HANS ISLAND In a press conference yesterday, the Liberal Party of Canada announced its contenders for the leadership of the party: John Turner and Jean Chretien. Chretien, through an assigned translator, claimed that someone with more than four months experience as PM should be the next leader. Mr. Turner,84, responded that Mr. Chretien should have stayed retired and that it looked like he had "herpes of the mouth" and perhaps he should "get some cream for that." Then the shit-storm began — literally. A backup in the plumbing of the en suite bathroom resulted in a lake of shit covering the floor. See POOP on page A7 Stealing warm nourishing candy from a baby Scientists warn that growing demand for bottled breast milk will leave nipples raw, babies hungry, WH0RIS KIRBY reports IMMATUREVILLE Forget about oil, the high tech sector, or the housing market. Bottled breast milk is where the real money is, according to Suzy Johansson, self-proclaimed "day- trader extraordinaire." "For sure, mamma juice is the new 'white gold/ said Johnson. 'The stuff has taken off. Breast milk Cafes are popping up on every street corner here in Toronto and it's only a matter of time before they spread to the rest of the country." However, according to Merrill Lynch economist Jenn Monroe, despite its recent boom, the bottled breast milk industry faces fierce competition from the non- bottled breast milk sector, with titty-sucking still accounting for over 92 per cent of the breast milk served in Canada. "I prefer my breast milk straight from the source," said Nipples Harden, a patron of BoobJuice, a breast milk bar chain in southern Ontario. "It's well, more natural, and, like, cheaper, and yeah, boobies! On the downside though, my lady friends don't produce the delicious beer or curry flavoured breast milks served at places like BoobJuice." Mammilla Batista, head booby- ologist of the Toronto Amateur Boobyologists Association warns that the growing demand for breast milk could have adverse consequences for the most vulnerable members of society: nipples. "Draining breasts of milk for profit will leave nipples raw, possibly even crusty,' said Batista. "Who would want to fool around with crusty nipples? I sure wouldn't. It would ultimately cause social anarchy. Anarchy!" Oh and babies, the babies might all starve," added Batista. "My babies just can't afford the $45.50 per bottle my milk costs, said Boobs McClure, a mother of two and ones of the thousands of suppliers for the bottled breast milk industry. 'They can't get the high paying jobs because then* tiny hands aren't good for manual labour;. .And they can't stand up, and- are constantly pooping themselves too." "They sleep for 20 hours a day, expect me to wipe their asses and then want to suck on mypair of golden gooses! I told them;tp get rucking jobs firsts but &ey vjiiSt shit themselves again," added an increasingly hostile McGlure.y ^ See BOOBJMCE 6^ page^ y it&;JKw&^ ■(■■'ti^'i'lcHi'^Vwutly'aiY :n:>ii! in ■ -iwi'si HH'Uve. <>i r/Ji K-t v .'Ml'if-l-ii tffirY/iij rirffK^yKfiiiHiiffif: :vm mommumm Daniel Butler® Heart Pendant in Sterling Silver and Bovine Cardiac Muscle, $3,600 Fatfanny & Co. is now open on Sundays Fatfanny & Co, NOW OPEN) IN VANCOUVER AT 1247 ROBSON ST. 604-362-4360 FATFANNY.CA Second-class Mail Registration 007 THE GROPE AND FLAIL TUESDAY, APRIL 4,2006 QUOTE OF THE DAY: 'I may be imaginary but I can take you to unbelievable places/ Bort, invisible friend of outgoing UBC president Marthog Pipper Kevin in the pod CRUSTY BITCHF0RD Far from the landmines, dead four-year-olds, and the test tube of human depravity that was my last assignment, is the beautiful campus of the University of British Columbia. Armed with my chapstick and with my iPod glued to my hip, I climbed the stairs to the now de-castlea office of Kevin Gleestoned, the President of the Almost Matters Society (AMS). Mr. Gleestoned was to be the subject of my next thought-provoking, tell-it-like^it-is, no- holds-barred column. What a lucky man he is—there are many dying to be in the scuffed white shoes he borrowed from his boyfriend. I surprised Mr. Gleestoned by barging into his office as he was singing along and shaking his hips to his beloved iPod shuffle. Quick thinker that I am, I ingeniously suggested that I borrow his iPod for a day. As I am brilliantly perceptive, I wasn't surprised that Mr. Gleestoned was keen to participate. An ambitious, yet frightfully na'ive, happy- go-lucky young gentleman, Mr. Gleestoned has approached his presidency with the wide- eyed wonder that characterized his term as vice-president finance. Mr. Gleestoned was hardly fit to manage the $10.5 million AMS budget then, and is certainly not any more prepared now. If it weren't for his good looks, the lack of competent opposition, and the support of his clingy fag-hags, Mr. Gleestoned never would have been elected. But I digress. Mr. Gleestoned's iPod is the window into the soul of a leader—albeit one everyone will have forgotten five weeks after his term ends. Right off the top was this thoughtful ditty from Avenue Q: Kate Monster: The internet is really really great. Trekkie Monster: For porn. Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait. Trekkie Monster: For pom. By the time Trekkie Monster came to the climax—"grab your dick and double click"—I was certain I was listening to the iPod of the next great leader...of grade eight boys. Another Avenue Q song "What do you do with a B.A. in English?" does not apply to Mr. Gleestoned—yet. After his first year in commerce, Gleestoned switched to French and Spanish in his second, and currently is in his third year in global resource systems. Maybe in his fourth year, Mr. Gleestoned will understand the deep meaning behind these lyrics much of his electorate knows all too well: "What do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me this useless degree." The last and appropriately titled Avenue Q song on Mr. Gleestoned's iPod "It sucks to be me' speaks to Mr. Gleestoned's post-AMS future. "It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning 33." It would indeed suck To be you. Federal Liberals booby-trap Parliament floor Ethics Commissioner gives proximity mines "thumbs up" despite poo poo. BY NEIL HUNPERDINK As a response to the recent crossing of the floor by David Emerson, and citing a general lack of ease within the party in general, the Liberals have announced a number of new measures to increase loyalty within the party. "After Emerson split, we really have no way of predicting which MPs are going to end up jumping ship," former Liberal leader Paul Moron said. "As our party searches for a new leader, our only real hopes for solidarity are through physical, and preferably deadly, restraints." The basic idea behind what is being called "Operation: Loyalty," insiders report, is that booby-traps and physical barriers would be Elaced across the nouse floor to prevent MPs om crossing it. But this relatively straightforward plan has already been somewhat convoluted by a number of different obstacles. The first, and least surprising, of which has come from Prime Minister Stephen Harpyseal. 'This is a very cowardly move," said Harmer at a press conference. "Floor-crossers represent the bravest, noblest, and most trust-worthy people our country has to offer. To stop them is to crush the human spirit, and ambition itself." Another barrier facing the Liberals has been of a financial nature. Citing dried up party funds, the original blueprints which called for a shark-infested moat across the floor have been scrapped and replaced with barbed wire that currently spans the length of the floor. Additionally, seat-mounted explosives designed to detonate when the weight of the chair changes—for example if an MP stands up to cross the floor—have also been abandoned due to budgetary reasons. They too will be replaced with barbed wire—this time wrapping around each MP's table individually. The most controversial part of the plan has also been modified. To encourage floor-crossing of the opposite direction, a special one-way-only underground tunnel leading under the moat was intended to be constructed. But in fitting with the new lower-tech plan, Liberals now intend to simply provide all Conservative MPs with wire-cutters and gloves. Later in the press conference, Harpyseal also took the time to address this particular part of "Operation: Loyalty." "Floor-crossers are scum. They are vile, contemptible human beings, and by encouraging such activity, the Liberals are aligning themselves with the lowest of the low." Bulimic Stomach was unavailable for comment. Breastmilk good for the bones and wallet B00B MCE from page A1 Regardless of whatever consequences may arise from the bottled breast milk boom, the strong reaction of consumer to bottle breast milk is making milk not only good for your bones, but for your wallet as well. "Breast milk is the milk God would drink if God had breasts," stated Harden as he licked off his breast milk mustache. mzKMm Your tipsheet to this week's news Roid monkey lures harem A muscleman at the University of British Columbia says he's discovered that a combination of grimaces, grunts and hard, persistent staring is a deadly cocktail for wooing mildly athletic girls who can't afford a membership at the Bird Coop. HUMPDAY Mustache and pony tail next big look Fashion analysts say a big set of buck-teeth, a wobbly gait, slight B.O. and muttering a steady stream of profanity will set really make this look take off this spring. FRIDAY Retrograde degrees doled "It just wasn't fair to only give them to the hippy colleges affiliated with UBC-O, and we at the University pride ourselves on being egalitarian," said prez Marthog Pipper on giving out retroactive degrees to every student who ever graduated from any university in Canada. YESTERDAY Apathy Week enjoys low turnout Graded by MacLanie's magazine as "the most callow, self-centred campus ever to have existed," the UBC Apathy Week organizers responded with a protest in which no posters were made and no one showed up. FRIDAY 2010 Rim Job Almost Matters Society former president, Spender Fleas finally found out what rim job was. "I am delightea by this new discovery," said Fleas in a press conference. "I thought that hole was only for pushing things out of. This brings wetness to a whole new level." YESTERDAY, AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE. Sex party to lead Canada • Not wanting to back a losing horse, and reflecting on a surge in membership of two members,Tn!e Grope and Flail has decided to change their Conservative endorsement to an endorsement of the Sex Party. They hope that after running this on their front page, the rest of the nation will get on the bandwagon and call for a recall of the current minority government. T0MM0RR0W Dog eats man The stomach contents of a small pug were sliced open to reveal the remnants or a midget- sized man. Irbelieved that the man'was eaten after he had covered his body in-strips of bacon, and rolled around in a vat of scrambled eggs in order to get some lovin' from his 500- pound wife. The dog then mistook him for a yummy snack. MONDAY Martians Land The world is going to be destroyed in exactly 22 minutes. Or approximately the time it takes to get through an episode of 'the War at Home." NEXT TUESDAY Today on gropeandflail.com Politics: How we got on the inside track with Stephen Harpyseal, if you know what we mean. Try our poll: Who's fatter? Poprah or the Hubble telescope. You decide. Production manager tries to fill space La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. 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LATE WESTCRQFT0N fVow^ GEORGES ACADEMY Since 1999, West Croften Flower Georges Academy has been the most prestigious private school in Vancouver with our three pilllars of exclusivity: High Fees Selective Policies Athletics Why care about your kids when we cam vtEchn (PoecvosTizi