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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Oct 2, 2001

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02 OCTOBER 2001
In this issue:
ute Little Kittens
and more, if y<
"In my mind I see a country that has no war, no violence of any kind... an absolute Utopia. Then I see us bombing
the fuck out of them, 'cause they'd never see it coming."
AMS Takes Poorly-Thought Out Stance On Foreign Policy
Reuters, Vancouver
In a move which surprised none, the
AMS has voted in drastic changes to
their constitution, including extensive
modifications to the Foreign Policy section.
Included in the changes were passages
indicating that: no Michael Jackson
imports or exports are to be allowed, it's
illegal not only to advertize using the
words "beer," "bzzr," and other modifications of alcohol descriptions, but also
to say them out loud in public (It is
unclear as to whether this affects people
who mouth the words silently and people who use sign language), it is illegal to
exist if your name rhymes with 'orange'
or 'purple' (we couldn't figure out why
they put this one in), and that trade ties
with all North American countries
(including Canada) are to be severed,
and a NAFTA-style free trade agreement
has been implemented which will
require us to hire and purchase on an
equal basis with Outer Mongolia, Lithuania, People between the ages of 21 and 23
1/2 in Chile, and Saint-Pierre and
Michuelon, (but not the rest of France),
although this will make effectively no
difference on the present UBC economy,
as the AMS lacks the funds to hire even a
single 'border patrol' officer for the 16th
and 41st highway smuggle routes.
Also, laws were put in place that give
the AMS president full authority to
declare martial law.
Erfan Kazemi, of course, did just that.
The AMS and UBC are officially at war
against someone. It is as yet undefined as
to who. When pressed on the matter, Mr.
Kazemi stated that "we are in a crisis situation here. The future of the AMS and
UBC itself is at stake." When we asked
him again just who we were at war with,
he stated "We must prevail. The enemy
seeks to undermine our very way of life;
this cannot be allowed." When we pointed out that he was just quoting translated Nazi statements, and asked (again)
who we were at war with, he was
whisked away by his entourage.
The EUS and SUS are complicating matters as their radical revolutionary
groups, the Engineering and Science
Councils (respectively), each are independently plotting to overthrow the
AMS rulers.
by Jack McLaren and Pat Spacek
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The two camps are at odds with each
other as well, however, stopping a possibly effective collaboration. The geers are
aiming to create a peaceful, bridge and
VW Bug filled Utopia, whereas the Science students just want to be able to
drink past the new 10pm curfiew again.
Strangely, the engineers are not having
much of a problem with this; it seems
that their iron-plate fortified "Cheese"
compound is unassaultable by the AMS
forces, whereas the Science students
must hide deep underground in clusters,
leaving their steam tunnel hiding places
only when the thick blue smoke becomes
too thick to bear.
The AMS has mobilized ground troops
and is looking into air coverage; unfortunately, the little remote-control toy
planes at Radio Shack exceeded their $80
budget and efforts to find cheap spy
planes have failed miserably, though the
Canadian government is trying to force
Sea King helicopters upon them at a rate
of dozen for ten cents.
As yet, there are no fatalities in what
CNN is calling "UBC's New War". There
have been a few injuries in the AMS
forces however, as the converted Plant
Ops drones prove to be even less effectual, running their gators into trees and
poles haphazardly, yelling "whee! Watch
out, boy, I got a staple gun and I ain't
afraid ta use it!"
Things are only expected to get worse
with student unrest at an all time high.
Mysterious strikes against the engineering cairn have ceased. Rumors are now
flying about stockpiles of vadalism
equipment being created deep within the
bowels of UBC's darkest basements.
"The possible usages of these 'weaponry' storages have not yet become clear,
but it won't be pretty", commented analyst Barney Glotz, whose tense vigil of
the UBC campus continues. "All hell is
about to break loose and we can only
blame those we are at war with, whoever
they may be".
Students continue to miserably attend
class amongst bomb threats and general
mayhem. Meanwhile on the front lines of
this apparent conflict the AMS continues
to send out blanket threats and to secretly dispose of those amongst its own
ranks who speak out against the war.
Intelligent Life Found
in Outer Space
Little-Known Fact #685: Hie Biblical Fall wm about sex;
God newr forgave the human race for choosing heterosexuality.
(CP) Berkely, California
In a surprise announcement earlier this
week, officials at the SETI Institute
revealed that they had indeed discovered signs of extraterrestrial intelligence.
Incontrovertible evidence of extraterrestrial signals have been found, with their origins being tentatively located somewhere
just past the Oort cloud, a region of icy
balls of rock far beyond the orbit of Pluto.
The data, gathered from hundreds of
thousands of users of the popular distributed computing software, SETI@home,
had generated excitement amongst the
members of xenoscientific community.
"While we're still trying to pin-point the
exact location of these signals, we think we
may have discovered their purpose", said
Dr. Lucius Montjoy "From the data, it
seems that these signals started sometime
in 1951, with fairly regular peaks in September, November and April of every year
since then."
"We may never have understood just what
was going on, but Franz, one of our
interns, happens to be something of a TV
addict, and it turns out that the signal
peaks coincide with the major television
network's season openers, finales, and
sweeps weeks."
With the debut's of such television reality
dramas as Big Brother and Survivor (and
their subsequent sequels and spin-offs) the
signals became less and less prevalent,
suggesting that this new life' is indeed
intelligent, far beyond the realms of earth's
present inhabitants.
Doomsayers warn that the discovery of
new extraterrestrial beings can only lead to
the destruction of the human race through
our only guiding light: the mildly carcinogenic glow off our television screens. "It's
only a matter of time before the 'others'
become dissatisfied enough with our race
and choose to destroy it", stated Barney
Glotz in an interview at his home yesterday. Then he gave an unearthly spine-chilling giggle and closed the door abruptly in
the faces of several media representatives.
This new evidence, while exciting, raises
some important questions. Do the data collected constitute rating material for today's
television productions? And if so, does this
mean that they suck and does the television-addicted public really care?
Said, ninety-one year old Ada Adams,
"Those alien bastards think they can take
away my Jeopardy! You just try it fuckers!"
as she waved her cane in the general direction of the moon.
Dafa collected during the televised
announcement suggest that while the
extraterrestrial beings are following our
sitcoms, they do not seem concerned with
our news, likening them to us. Page Two
02 OCTOBER 2001
Volume Fifteen
Issue Three
02 October 2001
Lana Rupp
Dan Anderson
Soul Merchant
Jay Garcia
Minor Demons
Benjamin Warrington
Alan Warkentin
Rachael Sundin
Lana Rupp
The Reaper
Steve Nace
Andy Martin
Jo Krack
Mark J
Gillian Gunson
Albert Chen
Wade Carmichael
Alex Boland
Dan Anderson
Goat Blood Ink from
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Pentagram Sources
From the Lawyers:
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the Colonel Klinck building
Room 202. The 432 is the official
publication of the Science Undergraduate Society.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers and editors, and as such are
not the responsibility of The 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to The 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
at least thrice, and must contain the
author's name and contact information. Bribery doesn't hurt.
We want your firstborn.
Pretty pretty please?
Many thanks also go to the people
who made Lana's pink shoelaces,
the AMS for being so goddamned
silly, Safewalk for always being
there when you need a shoulder to
cry on and two uniforms to use as
disguises, and for those kittens that
are so damn cute. And tasty.
Off in a Daze
Dan Anderson
not quite right
Duct Tape
What many people don't realize is that
duct tape isn't only good for holding ducts
together, keeping your car from falling into
a million pieces, and keeping your significant other immobalized while you get out
the long english cucumber. There are many
uses for it that are far more interesting.
Unfortunately, I seem to have forgotten
them, due in large part to the image of
what fun that long english cucumber could
be if used right. She wouldn't squeal too
loudly, I'm sure.
Long English Cucumbers
Sadly, I cannot afford fresh fruit and vegetables, leaving me only to marvel at how
others can afford things like bananas,
cucumbers, strawberries, body chocolate,
and latex gloves. I realize that my diet is
probably not doing too well, but I can
always up my latex intake later.
Bane and boon of most mens' lives. The
vast majority of us males can never hope to
understand them. Of course, the fact that
we males rarely understand each other
doesn't say much. Hmm, come to think of
it, I don't know a single person I truly
understand. Maybe the whole M vs F thing
is just a media hoax.
Michael Jackson and RuPaul
Or, maybe, the real media hoax is that you
never really know if the person you're seeing on-screen is a guy or a girl.
Opening Doors
I hate it when people make a big deal out
of me opening doors for them. It's just
fucking politeness, alright? No fucking big
Jumping from Topic to Topic
Because, you know, that's not something
that I do a lot, or anything. Honestly, this is
quite possibly the worst style one could
possibly write in.
Crappy Style
Why is it that my style has to be so shitty?
Hmm? What about all the other styles? Oh,
right, I forgot. They're better. Gotcha.
Fine, so maybe my duds aren't all that
spiffy. Wow, I managed to fit "duds" and
"spiffy" into one sentance. Swell, huh?
Anyways, just because I look like a flashback from the worst days of junior high
doesn't mean I'm not drunk. Oh, wait,
maybe that came but wrong.
Never, ever again will I drink 27 ounces of
vodka in one night. I mean it this time.
Really. Fuck you.
Who Me? Evil?
Lana Rupp
f/fio bad
Thank you, thank you dear God thank
you! Thank you so much for clearing
something up for me. You see I have
been troubled for ever so long with one
quandary and now through your divine
messenger, my ex, it has been solved for
me. What's wrong with me? Well it's simple! I'm a bad person. I'm going straight to
hell! More specifically I'm going to that
special section of hell reserved for only the
truly evil... the people who have no
morals... those who kick little dogs, litter-
bugs and the people who park in handicap
spaces. At first I didn't believe it., could I
really be evil? Pure Evil? And then I considered it for a second. It all makes sense I
I lack restraint. I admit it, it's so easy to do
something that's just a little bit evil. It starts
with the things that authority always
frowned upon., a skipped class here and
there, soft drugs (the crack comes later
Dan), animal sacrifice and so on. So I
enjoyed it. So I became addicted to making
that deep guttral laugh that sends shivers
down your spine each night as you try to
sleep and it echoes in your hallway.
So I've been watching you through your
window, making tapes of the interesting
stuff and paying my tuition with profits
from tasteless internet sales. Yeah... I guess
it does make me sortof evil, but there has to
be more to this groundbreaking conclusion
than that.
I've also been known to steal silverware
from the cafeteria and offend artsies (ah
fuck you all., bow to me you inferior little
bitches., and make me a Big Mac) but we
all do these things.
So I did something bad; probably many
times and in many bizarre fashions. Does
this make me a bad person.. Apparently.
So what could it be that pushes me off the
edge of our not-quite-evil makeshift raft
and into the churning black depths of "bad
And hey how did you find out about it?
Ok, I admit it. I'm a liar. Believe me baby!
If I've ever said anything nice to you or
anyone else it was most likely a lie. I'd lie to
my own mother for fun and reactions sake.
But hey., if I truly am evil., why fight it? I
think I will revel in it. "It's not my fault, I'm
just a bad person. Punish me." I think that
if I can be definitively labeled as evil I
would feel a lot less guilty about all the
bastardly things I do on a daily basis
because hey it's expected of me! I'm going
straight to hell baby!
So yeah, I'm a bad person and I like it
*suggestive eyebrow movements, wild
gyrations and all the like*. Many people
can tell just by the way I laugh hysterically
at off color jokes and the way I do random
things to piss off those who offend me (My
English teacher would call on me when I
slept in his class so I sat right in front of
him and tapped my pen to keep myself
awake... poor bastard just couldn't finish
his sentences before he lost concentration.
He gave me a B... I felt no pity for the poor
feeble man.).
There's only one thing that troubles me...
there's one hole in the theory: I do not yet
have full control of the world and all the
pathetic mortals below me. I'm gonna be
bigger than the New Kids on the Block
during their twelve minutes of fame and
more mind-raping than reality tv!
Ah well., maybe tomorrow,, and if you're
lucky I will spare you... All I ask is a small
donation of your soul. Come on... it'll be
fun. After all it's just your soul, it's not like
I'm asking you to do something evil., not
Gotta Get Da Dough
Alex Boland
in pencil and pen
The year was 2001, and it was a great
time to be alive. The liberals were in
power, people were flying planes
into buildings, and Britney's breasts were
getting bigger by the second.
Change was in the air. But not in my pocket... for it seems I'd spent all my hard
earned money within the first week of
arriving at my new room in Totem. For
those of you who are not familiar with this
place it's a lo like Compton, but with slightly less crack. And a ranker aroma. It's basically a ghetto with a cafeteria and fewer
drive-bys. Slightly fewer, anyways.
My advisor C-Money, of course, is constantly coming by my room to ask if I
"wanna get some drugs, man."
It was time to get a job, and I knew just the
However, the demand for short, slightly
pudgy, unwashed, hairy male prostitues
(wearing a micro-mini-tank top, a
miniskirt, and fishnets, topped off by 6-
inch heels) was slightly less than I expected.
I needed something else... something that
preferably didn't involve me wearing a
garter belt. Those things really chafe.
"I got an idea! How do you feel about condoms full of pure Bolivian blow inserted
up your ass?" C-Money asked me, with
perfect timing.
"Well, I was saving my can for Satan..." I
replied, but I knew it was an offer I could
n't refuse.
Being a drug mule seemed like the
answer, but it turns out I'm allergic to latex.
The swelling was both painful and
embarassing. You'd think most people had
never seen a man with the ass the size of a
watermelon before.
I was desperate.
I knew that, as a young man, short on
dough, there's a place I could go. However,
considering the current size of my can, any
scenario involving group showers seemed
like a bad idea.
I only had one option, and it seemed a sad
and tragic one: a dish bitch in the cafeteria
dish pit.
Constantly beaten and whipped into
working harder, I dream of the day when I
can again afford to do laundry.
sad but true -ed 02 OCTOBER 2001
Page Three
Gothic Porno-Scope
Albert Chen
In a Nice Tree
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Shave your armpits. Your armpit hair is
nothing but an archaic mean of futile insulation that causes unpleasant odour. So
what are you waiting for? Grab that razor
and shave. While you are at it, you may
want to shave your head, too. However,
don't shave you pubic hair! Your genitals
may look twenty years younger, but who
the hell are you trying to fool? (mmm, 2-
year olds -ed) By the way, shaving your
armpits may land you a million-dollar
commercial deal just like Andre Agassi...if
you are as famous as him. Doh.
Prediction: Given your miserable learning
curve, Martha Piper may have her own
pubic hair shaving commercial before you
do. Gee, what I wouldn't give to stop that!
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
I don't know whether to be happy or sad,
because you still think I'm a real
astrologer...should I congratulate myself
on writing a sophisticated, stylish, sincere
(?), funny (??), and intelligent (???) horoscope column? Or, should I celebrate your
stupidity? Although I can go with the first
scenario, I honestly think your brain is
somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle...so,
what do you do? Well, you can start by
electrocuting your nipples...
Advice: Don't burn your nipples. (Fire
good. Sparks good. Nipples good. Whipped
cream good. Mmm... -ed)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)
Girls, for the last time, do not have threesomes with identical twins! Sure, those
Swedish men are sure nice-looking, but
have you considered the possible nightmare? I mean, you might be pregnant, and
you won't know who the daddy is! You
can't even run a DNA test because identical
twins have the same genes! So, smarten up
- have sex with one of them for a month,
then switch to another one. Repeat. Hell, a
twosome may be less fun than a threesome, but least you know who the daddy
is if your uterus decides to work over-time!
Comment: I forgot to give advice to men.
Oh, fuck it. Fuck you all. (sounds like a fun
Friday of, um, frolicking' to me! -ed)
Jo Krack
Writing about Vibrators
Io Krack is back! I'm well-rested after a
glorious summer spent working for a
software company (which will remain
tamed as I won't complete my work
term until December).I have learned many
things this summer. Things I would like to
share with you all. Unfortunately, some of
those things are unsuitable to print, others
would offend those close to me, and others
are still illegal in some provinces. So I will
start off more tamely, with the following
two most important things I learned this
1. The Onion is an awesome website. It
offends far more people than I could ever
hope to, and it does it with style: it's genuinely well-written satire. I want to own it
and write for it. Until then, check it out at
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Have you noticed the people in orgies?
With the exception of orgies hosted by our
editors, only yucky people ask you if you
want to have sex with them, (hey, I'm not all
that bad! -ed) Really, cute people are so
busy admiring themselves that what they
have is nothing but solo sex...(iwcfcy Lana -
ed) (I'm writing this while taking the bus.
I'm on my way to school. Heck, the ugly
frosh sitting next to me is freaking out as
soon as she sees me Writing the word "sex."
Oh, what a poo-poo head.) Life has a way
of balancing itself out, so don't worry,
you'll get plenty of sex. (why, oh why can't I
be a Cancer? -ed, in Lana's voice)
Hint: At this point, you know how you
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You fate is in the stars...porn stars, that is.
Since your sexual performance is at all-
time low according to honest but cruel
peer evaluation (which is sinisterly titled
"The Inch Stick"), you might want to grab a
porn or two and practice your moves. Who
knows, you might become a artsie someday and write popular trash such as "All I
Needed to Learn I Learned From Porns."
Bottom Line: Make sure you check out
porns under the right category. No need to
get the wrong ones, (but, sheep! -ed)
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Gender discrimination runs deep in safe-
sex campaigns. Condoms (used mainly for
male genitals) come in different shapes
and sizes, not to mention different
flavours. (Umm, this mint-flavoured one is
really comfortable. I think I might wear it
to school.) However, dental dam (used
mainly to cover female genitals) comes in
one boring shape and size, not to mention
the yucky latex after-taste in your mouth.
Condoms are free but dental dams cost
money. What? Do you think dental dam is
useless during sex? What planet are you
from? (And don't tell me men are from
Mars and women are from Venus. If you
do I will jam Uranus. No, not the planet -
Ur-anus.) Here, I will show you how to
make dental dam out of latex condom in
the next section, so read on.
Tip: If you have a cold, grab a cherry-
flavoured condom and lick it. It tastes like
cough syrup and your body won't tell the
difference. Trust me. (The chocolate ones are
better, -ed)
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
Dear Libra: your bi-monthly prediction
has been pre-empted so I can show Vir-
goans (Virgins?) how to make dental dam
out of latex condom. Believe me, you need
to know this too if you don't want to get
hepatitis C after your daily rimming sessions). What you need: one latex condom
and a very sharp scissor. First, rip open the
package and take out the condom; extend
the latex. Eye-ball 5 cm from the pointed
end of the condom and make a clean horizontal incision. Discard the top part of the
condom and keep the bottom half. Cut the
bottom part lengthwise, and there you
have it, a dental dam out of latex condom.
Believe me, it works.
Warning: Do not make dental dam while
someone is using the latex condom, unless
you really want to castrate someone. You
can only use the same piece of latex for one
function, so make up your mind.
WARNING: SUS, The 432, and it's writers
and editors take NO responsability for
ANYTHING you do in your bedroom, be it
with a homemade dental dam or a sheep.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
I used to not know any Scorpios, but that
has changed. It turned out that my mom's
cousin's nephew's friend's little sister (who
is living in my house) is a Scorpio. Hell,
this is the down side of becoming a locally
syndicated (sin dick wha?!? -ed) columnist -
now everyone wants a piece of you! Still,
since this is a gothic porno-scope, it would
be immoral of me to give her any sexual
advice, for she is ten-year old... I don't
think it's my job to teach her anything anyway, since she thinks Power Puff Girls are
real...oh fuck, screw anyone in sight, you
dumb girl. See if I care.
Mental Note: Practice safe sex and avoid
fifth-year female engineering students, (the
males are better? Good to know, -ed)
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Shall I suggest an aphrodisiac or two?
Garlic is an all-time favourite since it
increases libido. Of course, your breath
might stink like hell, so let's see what
else...a bat's bony penis? (No, seriously, a
bat has bone in its penis...) Pig uterus?
Crocodile semen? I don't know, they all
look bad, so it's your judgement call. Of
course, you can always make up your
own...what? You want to know my pick?
Sheep brain. Go figure, (mmm, sheep, -ed)
Memorable line: When in doubt, get Viagra.
Krack Attack
2. The experience of writing a novel in
three days is better than crack. Over the
past Labour Day long weekend, I spent a
total of 36 hours writing. I was competing
in Anvil Press's Three Day Novel contest,
which starts at midnight Friday and ends
midnight Labour Day. I decided not to
deprive myself of sleep, so I didn't start
until bright and early Saturday morning.
Also, I decided to get rid of the distraction
of family members/friends/boyfriend by
getting permission to spend the entire
weekend writing at work. My current
workplace is a writer's dream: awesome
computers, gym/showers, vending
machines, fridge. Even couches to sleep
on! So I was set, and at 8 AM Saturday
morning (Day 1)1 was in my cubicle typing
away. I took a brief meal break, but spent a
total of 13.5 hours writing. I then slept on
the couch, woke up at 6 AM, and began
another long day of writing (Day 2).How-
ever, on Day 2 I ran into the "Oops I've
written all the stuff I'd been thinking
about" block and was only, halfway
through. I decided to be artsy and go out in
the sunshine. I ended up buying a really
cheap pen and notepad at London Drugs,
just in case I needed to write an idea down.
I wandered into the Planet Hollywood and
was assigned a very, very fuckable waiter,
who was definitely trying to play me up
for a nice tip. However, as he did not put
out, I only tipped 15%. I wolfed down a
Club sandwich, left alone the disgusting
undercooked fries, and then it was back to
work, to finish writing.
I was soon interrupted by my boyfriend,
who I did not kill as he brought me pasta
and the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. As
soon as he left, I blasted the Moulin Rouge
soundtrack and found myself dancing in
my chair. The hype excited my writing
frenzy and I wrote until around 10:30 PM,
for a total of 14.5 hours of writing on Day
2.1 declined another night on the couches,
especially since I was booked for MUG
leader training for Imagine UBC. So I went
home and slept for about five hours.Day 3,
I woke up late, scrambled to UBC, did my
MUG leader training with half my brain
functioning, then ate and headed back to
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Looking for a better way to earn big
money fast? Now you know UBC sucks
money out of its poor students via a model
that roughly equates to a primitive olive oil
press (squeeze...toss aside...repeat...), get
a job. No, I don't mean any job. Try being a
sales rep in a sex-toy store. Really, they pay
big money, plus you get good employee's
discount on anything in the store. If it's not
enticing enough, a sales rep can check out
any item free for market research. So while
you may want to flip greasy beef patties,
think big and sell butt plugs instead. Who
knows, you might be the most popular
person on campus...
Wisdom: A dildo in the hand is better than
a dozen in the store. (So, a dildo in the hand
is worth two in the bush? Erm, I mean, in the
store? -ed)
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Just like fashion, there are trends in sex
toys. I have a friend who works in sex-toy
shop, so I'll let you know a corporate secret
or two. Purple dildos are in, seriously, and
the metallic ones are out. Vibrating modes
is a plus, but strap-ons are market poisons.
If you want butt plugs, get the transparent
ones, and don't be cheap, don't use empty
beer bottles instead! Cuffs, whips, and all
other S/M devices are exceptions, as these
accessories have a niche of their own anyway.
Motto: Obey your sexual thirst. ("It's in
you!" Drink - oh, fuck it, it's obvious, -ed)
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Want to throw your own orgies but too
stupid to run them? Since Martha Stewart
refrains from discussing this decorating
feat due to the practical nature of this topic,
I shall step in. First, rent really bad and
lousy porns. Good ones pale the real action
in comparison, so consider "Good Will
Thumping" and "1001 Sex Tales" as harmless alternatives. What if you have white
hair due to excessive cramming? Relax,
pink light bulbs make white hair blond...
Conclusion: If you don't like any of my
advice, congradulations, you are officially
an asshole! Anyway, don't just sit there,
write something! If you can get the editors
to laugh thrice and slip them some serious
drugs, you can get your own column!
Wow, a free plug! -ed
the office by around 4:30. Spent a few
hours reading over the past two days'
work, did some editing, then wrote the
final two chapters, printed it all out, and
went home around 11:30. Phew!
So doesn't that sound like fun? Don't you
all want to do it with me next year? Just
think! You can say you've written a novel,
and you can be justifiably pretentious and
condescending towards others!! Oh and by
the way, while I was engrossed in writing
my novel, I forgot I'd eventually have to let
people read it, so there's a ton of somewhat
sexually explicit stuff in there (such as a
vivid description of the Rabbit Pearl
deluxe vibrating dildo), which of course
my grandma is waiting to read. Uh oh.So
there you have it. Words of wisdom from
Jo Krack. Read The Onion, write a novel in
three days. Prosperity shall follow. Or
insanity. Can't remember. Anyway, tune in
next time, when I go into more detail about
that Rabbit Pearl.
Oh, baby!
"The only people allowed to refer to themselves in the plural are editors, royalty, and people with tapeworms."
-Mark Twain Page Four
02 OCTOBER 2001
It's White Boy Day
Steve Noce
Almost Transparent
My name is Steve, and I am a White
Boy. No wait, I am THE White
Boy. There is no single person on
this entire campus that has skin paler and
more sickly than mine. This is a fact. Albinos don't count because they're bona fide
freaks of nature, and don't fall into any of
the distinctive White Boy genotypes.
So who exactly are these White Boys,
then? You see them everywhere you go,
wandering around campus, sitting in class
(higher concentrations can generally be
found in classes where human interaction
is frowned upon, i.e. computer science),
sitting at the Pit desperately trying to pick
up first-year sluts, etc.
We are primarily characterized by our
physical appearances and mannerisms,
which can be broken down into a few easy-
to-classify categories.
The Fat White Boy - characterized by
overpowering body odour and perpetually
oily hair and skin. Clothing generally
includes a very large, baggy shirt that sort
of hangs off their sagging gut and bitch
tits, and blue jeans. Generally found waddling as opposed to walking. Glasses are
The Skinny White Boy - has a muscle mass
of approximately 0.00001% total body
weight or less, and is often absurdly tall.
You will often find them walking around at
near running speed with a severely
hunched-over back. Clothing often mimics
the Fat Boy. Glasses are optional.
The Middle White Boy - the gray area in
between Skinny and Fat, Middle Boys are
much harder to initially identify as White
Boys because of their unremarkable, bland
appearance and bad haircuts. Often mistaken for Arts students.
The Non-White White Boy - this tricky
White Boy  is not actually white,  but
through some unfortunate twist of the
chromosomes was stuck with the White
Boy gene.
Of course, all White Boys share a few common traits that are a part of the White Boy
genotype. White Boys have no fashion
sense, have perpetual acne, are not interesting, charming, or capable of talking to
the opposite sex. And of course, White
Boys are world-renowned as the worst
dancers ever to drunkenly stumble on the
dance floor. All of this contributes to the
White Boy's inability to get laid and make
non-White Boy friends.
White Boys are notorious for grouping
together to provide each other with support for dealing with their crippling social
disabilities (see: any Club with the word
"Computer" in it), and are only found in
one of two states: with other White Boys,
or wandering around alone.
As with physical appearances, White Boys
also come in a variety of personality types.
The Computer Game White Boy - generally the palest of the White Boys due to lack
of exposure to sunlight, this White Boy
believes that superiority in Quake III, Half-
Life, or Starcraft is the most important
thing in life. Nutrition, personal hygiene,
and human interaction come a distant second, third, and fourth, respectively.
The Antisocial White Boy - commonly
found in quiet Res houses, this White Boy
comes out of his room only for the explicit
purposes of going to class or eating. Can
often be seen running or power walking
whenever outside. Closely related to Computer White Boy.
The Hardcore White Boy - a great source
of comic relief, this White Boy enjoys gratuitous swearing and making empty
threats to people on newsgroups or chat
lines from the safety and security of his
home computer. Can talk up a storm on the
internet, but is incapable of meaningful or
interesting conversation in real life.
The Drunken White Boy - also a great
source of comedy, these guys believe that
Fucking Sheep
Gillian Gunson
likes 'em wooly
What was once just an honest mishearing during a Computer Science beer garden ("You're going
to go home and do what? Oh, SLEEP. I
thought you said SHEEP") has now
become a whole 432 article. "Why?" you
may ask. Well, because when your only jollies arise from watching gratuitous back
rubbing on Star Trek: Enterprise (oh UPN,
you foul temptress), you start to think, I
need to gets me some real lovin', fast! (oh,
baby -1 can help with that! -ed)
Which is where sheep come in. (oh. Maybe
not. -ed)
Speaking of sheep, it's been a long tradition of my mother's to crochet Christmas-
ornament sheep for me to give out to
friends. They have white bodies, black
heads and black pipe-cleaner legs, and a
little bell hangs from each of their necks.
Sigh. Unfortunately she hasn't made any
for me in the past few years, either because
she thinks that
1.1 have not made any new friends since
1998, or
2.1 have learned by now to make friends
without bribery. In either case she would
be wrong; I have made many a friend in
recent years through cookies and sexual
favours, (can I be your friend? Mmm, cookies... -ed) I would, however, appreciate the
return of the stuffed sheep ornaments, as
although my new friendships may be clos
er and more intimate than those of preyi--
ous years, they certainly require a lot more
work on my part.
I tried to approach a sheep once, a year
ago in England. It was standing there in
the field with its sheep friends, grazing
and watching the tourists walk by. Since it
was my first time near a sheep since visiting the petting zoo at the PNE as a child, I
reverted to the only technique I knew: I
slowly crept towards it calling "here, pussy
pussy pussy," only to have it run away
when I got close, (yeah, that call never works
for me either. I've even had better luck with "so,
what's your sign" than "here, pussy pussy
pussy, -ed) So much for that. I don't normally deal well with rejection, but as I'm
sure that it's now dead from that British
foot-and-mouth crisis, I no longer harbour
any resentment towards it.
Some of you may be wondering, "hmm,
sheep. How much do they cost per hour to
rent?" Well, I wouldn't know. I'm not sure
of this, but I'm guessing that as a female I
would have more difficulty with that sort
of sheep-usage than, say, a male. And as
much as I like my men a bit furry and a bit
rough, I'm not into claws, and I like to be
held afterwards. However, I wish you all
the luck in your sheep or whatever you
may do to relieve stress; and I hope that
when you're lying in bed tonight, waiting
to fall asleep ("A SHEEP? Oh, sorry") that
you see the sheep you're counting a little
differently, and have a smile on your face.
You mean, see them as the sexual objects they
are? Doesn't everyone always see them that
by drinking they simultaneously become
attractive, charming, and interesting to
members of the opposite sex, and so they
get plastered at every possible opportunity.
Primarily found at the Pit, they are the
only White Boys that get laid, but can only
get laid by fat, disgusting bar bitches. See:
Dan Anderson, (see Dan. See Dan fetch. Good
Dan, Good! -ed)
The Denial White Boy - usually sporting
the latest threads from the Gap or Tommy
Hilfiger, the Denial White Boy does everything he can to not be a White Boy, including (but not limited to): listening to rap
music, talking in Ebonics, and talking to
girls. What they fail to realize is that they
do none of these correctly or convincingly,
and in shunning their White Boy nature,
they are making themselves even whiter
than ever before.
The 432 White Boy - no explanation necessary.
The Underground White Boy - again, no
explanation necessary, although it is interesting to note that this is the only White
Boy that the other White Boys won't ever
associate with.
Being a White Boy is a lot like being an
Arts student. You initially are depressed
about not ever being able to make something of yourself, and are quite dissatisfied
with the prospect of leading a useless,
meager existence no matter what it is you
choose to do. But eventually you come
around and enter a state of perpetual
denial (not to be confused with Denial
White Boys, those guys take it to the
extreme), convincing yourself that you can
beat the system and become the first White
Boy to ever have sex without paying for it,
have real friends, not be ugly, etc.
Some White Boys live their whole lives
like this (see: Dan Anderson), but there are
a few of us who have seen the extreme
whiteness of our skin and have come to
terms with our perpetual uncoolness. I am
proud to say that I am one of those White
Boys, and while I will never be anything
more than a White Boy, I find a sense of ful
fillment in going around educating all the
normal people of the world about my
White Boy brethren.
Sure, the constant mockery and rejection
and humiliation and laughing at me why
are they always laughing at me dear GOD
THEM ALL.... oh, sorry, I must have
blacked out for a second there. What was I
saying? Oh right.
Sure, having the whole world laugh at
you all the time can get you down, but I
know that I and all of my White Boy brothers serve two vital purposes in the world:
we make everyone else on the planet feel
infinitely better about themselves, and we
keep all the Vancouver crack whores in
business (see: Dan Anderson). And in the
end, isn't that the most important thing?
It's White Boy Day, ladies and gentlemen.
In order to prevent Anderson from getting
in too many White Boy comebacks, here's
some groovy italic filler in case this article
runs short.
Anderson, you're nothing but a stupid,
stinky butt crack. And you have a small
penis. Well, that's what Rory says at least.
Word up to allmah niggaz. Naceland is in
Fuck you Vivieros, fuck you Hanlon, and
a big "fuck you, shitface" goes out to Nano.
People who are thinking of contributing: this
in an exercise in what NOT to do. If it were
not for the facts that: a) you can see through
some parts of Steve he's so transluscently
white, and b) he's seen me passed out on the
ground, and not kicked me in the nuts, this
would never have seen the light of printing.
That and the fact that he's a horsefucking
sheeploving (he prefers both at once - the horse
in him, him in the sheep), scat worshipping,
diarrhea gargling, rose-bowl enthused freak of
white-boy nature.
Students Interconnected
international adventures
in science
chemistry co  -op in /inland ...
youth challenge international in       guy ana
...physics exchange to     portugal
and morel
4 speakers share their experiences abroad...
with you!
Thursday, October 4,12:30
come for discussion, food, and fun!
visit us at www.howlingsheep.com 02 OCTOBER 2001
Page Five
Jack off Clubs
Mark J
Clubbing Kittens
I still remember my first clubs day experience. Back when I was a wide-eyed-
first year and I could be talked into anything that had it's own beer garden. I must
have joined at least 7 clubs, and I think I
went to the second meeting of one of them.
It didn't help that I lived off campus and
was never around, so it probably wasn't all
the fault of the clubs themselves. But still,
none of them seemed like they were any
fun, and a few of them were just off the
deep end.
On my second year, after my bad first year
experience, I avoided club days like I avoid
The Ubyssey. But now that I'm in my third
year, and living at an anMnfested Fairview
dorm, I decided to give club days another
go, this time promising myself that I
wouldn't make the same mistakes I made
in the first year. This time I vowed to think
before I signed up, avoid any clubs that-
seemed a bit on the crazy side, only join
clubs that fit my schedule and that had
activities that I was interested in.
"WOW! Kanzen Kempo! How much to
join?" "Do you even know what Kempo
is?" "Sure! I love Kemping! Back in high
school I got in trouble for Kemping in the
hallway with my friends. They'd haul me
to the principal's office and I'd be like: 'hey
man, I'm just trying to Kemp!' But they just
didn't dig the Kanzen style, word up! So
when's the first beer garden?" "We don't
have beer gardens." "Bummer. Well, sign
me up anyway. Gotta go. Hey, what's this
club?" I left the Kanzen Kempo table to
head over to another club that had a lone
person sitting at the table and that hadn't
had a visitor for hours."New Dem-o-crats?
Did I pronounce that right? What are you
guys all about?" "We're the club for New
Democrat supporters here at UBC. Do you
want to join?" "Hmmm. Well, I don't
remember ever hearing about you guys
before, but then again you're name says
you're new, so I guess that makes sense.
Sure I'll join!" "Yes! Only 6 more people
and we'll be able to keep official club status! The revolution has begun!"
It was like that when I got here!
Alan Warkentin
Luke-Warm Gagh
A couple of weeks ago, Lana (well
known sex goddess and all around
evil do-er) wrote an article about
things that people do that piss her off.
When I read this, I realized that I agreed
with many of the things she said and so
thus have decided to write about why I
hate people. Now, I don't hate all people
(there are a few, about 10 I think, that I
actually enjoy being around), but since this
article can't be 40 pages long, I will specifically write about drivers.
I am currently driving from Burnaby to
UBC every day. It takes about 40 minutes
with traffic, and 20 without. I hate it. Let
me describe an average day with you and
then maybe you will understand my pain.
I start off by pulling out onto a secondary
street. Speed limit is 50 km/h. In about 30
sec I come upon a car being driven by a)
old person, b) parents who have just
dropped off their kids at school, or c)
somebody looking for something, or at
least I assume so from the way they gawk
at everyone. All the above seem to think
that since it is a week day, they should be
going 25 km/h, just in case some child is
The young crazy person handed me my
membership card, which I put in between
my cards for the Korean Intercollegiate
Student Society and the Persian Club, and
then headed off to the next table. "The
Navigators? Sweet, sign me up!" "Great.
So are you a new believer?" "No, I've
believed in navigating since I went boating
with my cousins in Victoria back when I
was a teenager. It's a proven science as far
as I'm concerned. I even saw the movie
"The Navigators' in Anthropology 100, so
feel free to make me an executive." "Okay,
I think you're getting confused by the
club's name. We don't actually sail in
boats." "That's okay. I know how to paddle
a canoe too. And I even have my own life
jacket. See?" "That's not what I meant.
We're actually a club for-" "Sorry, I'm low
on time. You can tell me all about it at the
first beer garden. Hey, the Pagan club! I've
been looking all over for you! Sign me up!"
"But you just joined the Navigators."
"Yeah, so?" The Pagan club member shot
me a blank expression. "Ohhhhhhhh, I get
it. Stupid me. Your beer gardens are on the
same night, huh?" "No you idi-" "Well
don't worry about it. I'll go to theirs first,
and then come to yours after I'm somewhere in the.semi-drunk to sloshed state.
It'll work out fine. Gotta run. Hey, can I
join Students for Ojectivism?" "Not if the
last 5 minutes are an accurate example of
your personality. Get lost." "Well, how
about this club? The Humanists' Society?"
"Are you kidding? Just watching you has
made us give up our beliefs altogether.
We're all joining the Navigators." "Cool!
See you at the first beer garden! Hey, The
Players Club! Cart Ijoin this?" "No. And
the answer to your next question is no
too." "Man, everyone's turning me down
now. Wait, here's a club I haven't tried.
Let's see, the Kung-Fu Association. Hey,
can I jo-" "HI-YA!" I was sent sailing across
the room, crashing through the display for
the Anime Club.
When I woke up, all the club displays
were down, and I had a strange taste that-
could best be described as tangerines
mixed with motor oil. After checking to
make sure that my fly was done up,
(whew), I got up, shook myself off, and-
looked around at the chaos that had been
club days."Aw man, and I didn't even get
to join all the clubs I wanted. Oh well,
guess it'll just have to wait until next year."
"Wait, there's one more club you can still
join." I looked behind me to see where that
strange voice had come from. I saw that
one table still had people sitting at it. ?In
big block letters it had sign that read "The
Excellence Club". The three people sitting
at the table, two" girls and two guys, had
smiles that were a little too big to be trusted. I started to back away." Wait, don't go
anywhere! This club is the most important
one that you'll ever join." said one of the
girls. Something struck me as odd. I was
absolutely certain that this table WASN'T
there before I had lost consciousness."
Now I know what you're thinking," one of
the guys started to say. "What's so great
about this club? Well, this club will change
your life. It will give you the answers that
you've been looking for, and it will save
you your soul." "Gosh, thanks," I said, trying to sound as genuine as possible, "but I
already joined Campus Crusade for Christ,
so I'm covered." The other girl spoke up.
She was quite good looking, but not in the
Brittney Spears girl-next-door sense. More
like in the Geri Haliwell I'm-a-psycho-
who-will-eat-your-children sense. "But
this club is different. This club will change
the world by opening up the eyes of the
oppressed and teaching them about true
freedom." "Gee thanks, but I already
joined Friends of Spartacus." The other
boy spoke now, with a voice that would
send shivers down your spine:" Well Mark>
maybe we should tell you the secret about
this club. It's not really a club at all, but it
merely poses as one so that it can take over
the world without the general population
having any knowledge of it's true workings." "Sounds like fun, but I already
joined the Pottery Club so I don't see what
this club has to offer. Hey wait a second,
how do you know my name?" "Grab him!"
5 other figures came running out of the
shadows and assaulted me with trash cans,
baseball bats, and rolled-up issues of the
Discorder. I tried to scream for help, but
AMS security either didn't hear me or was
busy "guarding" the arcade.
I awoke in a dark room, with dim lights
and a strange smell. This was obviously a
room where logic had no place, where the
Why I Hate People
running about (it is 8:30, they should be in
school!). So, after following them for 5 minutes, I decide to take a side street and go
screaming down the lane at around 70
km/h in an effort to get ahead of them; but,
as soon as I turn off, they decide to go fast
as well so I once again pull up behind
them, and then they slow down again.
Fuck. This continues all the way to school.
On the way, I encounter more stupid people that I hate. These people fly down the
right turn lane at 100 km/h and then try to
squeeze back in to the main stream of cars,
setting off a cacophony of horns, gestures,
and the odd phrase that could make an
engineer blush. And let us not forget the
people who do this to get ONE CAR
AHEAD! I mean holy cow, you just saved
yourself a whole 2 sees of driving time and
all it took was pissing off about 10 people
and nearly causing an accident.
As you get closer to UBC, it seems that
either people get dumber and dumber, or
they are so busy explaining to their friends
why they are late on their cell phone that
they forget to drive. That is when you
come upon the weavers. I really hate these
people. We have all seen them, they drive
right up behind the person ahead of them,
slam on their brakes, and then move back
and forth in an effort to see ahead of the car
whose ass they are hanging off of, which of
course, they can't because they are so close.
After about 2 minutes of this, the suddenly
decide to pass you, thereby cutting of the
cars in the other lane, causing more near
accidents as brake lights start appearing
and horns start a honkin'.
Speaking of which, what the hell does a
horn do? I have seen many people nearly
take out some jaywalking pedestrian
because they were spending to much time
honking and not enough time braking
and/or swerving. Mind you, if you are one
of those jerks who a) crosses the street 5
meters from a crosswalk and makes everyone stop for you in rushhour traffic b) likes
to wear black and cross busy streets at
night wherever you want or c) slowly
meanders your way across the street as if
you are looking for a contact lens, then I
think you should be fair game. Remember,
10 extra points for those who use canes and
50 if you can get them into the air!!
But I digress, I was talking about driving,
not walking. So where was I, oh yes, horns.
So I finally get to UBC, alive and intact,
though with somewhat frayed nerves at
having seen my life flash before me 6 times
and having to change twice, (change what?
Your lane? Your mind? Your diaper? I find I
don't have to change mine too much if I don't
eat bran. My mind, that is. -ed) Now comes
the fun of parking.
I will admit, I have a big car (affectionate-
everyday rules of reality did not apply,
where the Earth became Hell and Hell
became the Earth."Where am I?"
"Buchanan D336. Now, will you join the
club willingly, or do we have to use force?"
the scary boy asked. He was obviously
their leader. "You can't force me to do anything! I'll never help you with your evil
plans. Do your worst." "Okay." "Eep." The
9 members moved in to finish me off, and
were about to beat me beyond recognition,
but the good-looking girl spoke at the last
second/'Wait! Don't forget, if our plan is to
succeed, then we need him alive!" "She's
right." the leader said. "Darn, and I was
looking forward to using this corkscrew I
sent away for." "Why do you need me
alive? What does your evil club have
planned for me?" That's when it dawned
members. Buchanan D. It all made
sense."You only have 9 members! You're
not a club at all! Without me you can't get
AMS funding! That's the reason you need
me to join willingly!" "You're also the last
descendant of the shaman/warlord who
prophosized that his future great-great-
great-great-great-great-grandson would be
the one who enslaves the entire world, but
yeah, it's mainly because we need a tenth
member," the leader said matter-of-factly."
"Well too bad. Find some other
shaman/warlord's great-great-great-great-
great-great-grandson for your club!"The
leader looked at me with a look of disappointment. "All of the othergreat-great-
great-great-great-great-grandsons are in
Arts. We really have our hearts set on you.
Enough talk. Get the mind-control serum."
"You mean the beer?" one of the members
asked."Yes, the beer." "This isn't how I pictured my first beer garden. But if it's free,
then I guess I can overlook being tied
to a chair."
I tried to hold out as long as I could, but it
was no use. The Excellence's Club mind-
control serum was too powerful. Soon I
gave in and joined their club. After a few
more serums, I agreed to be Treasurer. I'm
not sure if this will lead to the end of the
world as we know it, but it sure made my
Clubs Days experience the most memorable and enjoyable one yet.
Mmm, crack, -ed
-Any Given Politician
ly called the pimp-mobile by many). It is a
1981 Pontiac Grand Le Mans. I love driving
it. Sure, it may be a bitch to park, but considering most cars on the road are imports
that are Vi my weight and Vz my length, I
know that I will survive any accident
whereas they won't. (I know the feeling. I
used to drive a solid steel 81 Cutlass Supreme.
A bitch to push, but once left a phone pole leaning and just took a little dent -ed) Back to
parking, looking for a spot seems to mean
racing down the aisles in an effort to steal
the spot from whoever else is out their
(read: the enemy). It reminds me of when I
was 10 and would go on the bumper cars.
When you finally do manage to find a spot
by zipping into a recently vacated one and
thus beating out 5 others all homing in
onto the position, you find that since the
cars you parked beside couldn't park
straight, your door only opens 3 inches. So
you then spend another 10 minutes
maneuvering your car so you can get out
as well as screwing any chances of you
other neighbor of getting into his/her car.
The last hurdle is getting your ticket. The
first 3 machines you go to are always either
broken, don't like your credit card, or give
you half a ticket. Finally you can go to
class, happy that you are only 30 minutes
late this time, and glad that you don't have
to drive for a couple of hours.
Thank God for Mr. Absolut and Bacardi... Page Six
02 OCTOBER 2001
The Science Undergraduate Society (SUS) is interested in finding ways 14) What topics would you like to see covered by guest lecturers?
to better serve you, the Science student. To this effect, we have created  ,	
this survey. Completed surveys can be returned to the SUS office dur- 	
ing office hours (see Guide) or can be submitted online at :	
www.ams.ubc.ca/sus. Upon submission of a completed survey you will
receive a ballot form for a mystery prize draw to be held in October.
The deadline for submissions is October 30, 2001. If you have any
questions please e-mail sus@interchange.ubc.ca.
15) If SUS were to administer a scholarship, what criteria do you feel would be
Dept (if applicable).
1) How well do you feel you know your student society?
Very well
Science Under Where?
16) If SUS formed sports and intramurals teams, what sports teams would you
be willing to join?
2) What would increase your pride as a UBC science student?
3) What would motivate you to attend more SUS events?
17) What events in previous years did you like at Science Week?
4) What would you like to see at bzzr gardens:
themes, specify:
entertainment (eg comedians), specify:
live band, specify type of music:	
alternatives to bzzr, specify:	
18) Do you have any ideas for new events during Science Week?
19) What kind of prizes would you like at Science Week?
5) What is the most you are willing to pay for SUS to bring a big name band to
' UBC? :	
6) What potential trips organized by SUS would-.yoii attend (eg. ski trip, trip to      2fJ) |n your experience, what has been the most effective method of advertising
a concert)? events tQ you?
7) If you are or have been a first year student at UBC, what kind of events
geared towards frosh would you like to see organized?
21) At present, science students pay $12 in student fees. This is one of the
lowest student fees at UBC. To better provide services and resources would
you be willing to see a small increase ($5-$10) in your student fees?
8) What other events would you like SUS to organize (eg.coffee house,
Yes     No
If not, why not?
9) What types of services (that are not already offered) would you like SUS to
offer (eg. seminars on study skills)?
10) What resources should the SUS lounge be equipped with to better meet
your needs?
11) How can we improve the accessibility to contact information of SUS councillors and executives, as well as information on committees, office hours and
12) In what capacity would you be willing to be involved with SUS this year.
As a:    SUS councillor
Member of a SUS committee
Member of FYC (First Year Committee), if applicable
13) If you have not been involved with SUS before or are not considering
being involved, what would increase your future participation?
SUS is often called upon to comment on issues pertaining to science students.
To enable us to be fully prepared to answer these questions, we would like to
gather statistics on the satisfaction of science students regarding their education.
Are you satisfied with the quality of the education you are receiving in the UBC
Faculty of Science in terms of:
In the following question, check yes or no, then rank each in order of importance (1 being the most important and 11 being the least important)
a) Class sizes
b) Lab facilities
c) Availability of labs
d) Frequency of labs
e) Availability and
frequency of tutorials
f) Classroom facilities
g) Quality of instruction
by professors
h) Quality of instruction
by teaching assistants
i) availability of classes .
j) Variety of classes
k) Curriculum
Would you want the Faculty of Science to focus on (Circle one):
a) increasing integrated programs
b) strengthening core programs?
This survey is online at
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/survey.html 02 OCTOBER 2001
Page Seven
Movies. Porn. Brie. Mix well. Serve Chilled.
email him!
I owe you all an apology this week. I've
been slacking off. I was going to give you a
review of the Fringe festival, so you could
have felt sorry for yourself thinking about
all the great stuff you missed, and I could
have taken gross advantage of our publications budget. But no, I was a lazy ass bastard, and I hardly got out at all. Not even to
a damn restaurant.
Instead, for this issue, I'll go through the
Georgia straight for you and read the Film
Festival stuff looking for potentially good
porn that you can trick your
girlfriend/boyfriend/pet chihuaha into
thinking is actually decent art instead of a
crude seduction attempt.
Italian for Beginners is from Denmark, and
I know for a fact that they have a lot of sex
in Denmark. It's in Italian, so you can claim
you're doing comparitive studies of
Church latin and contemporary Italian or
something. Invite your cute TA along. Oh,
wait, Last showing is Monday Oct 1, probably too late for us. Sorry. Let's try again.
Holy shit, I'm starting to notice a pretty
slim timeline here.
Okay, the Pornographer is French/Canadian, it's a little under 2 hrs, and it's on Tuesday night (Oct 2, 9:30pm) at the Ridge.
Sadly, with a title like that, you're never
going to convince anyone that you're going
to see art, so unless you're dating a former
editor of the reallydeepbelowground
you're pretty much screwed. Still, The
Ridge is actually a kick-ass movie theatre,
it's at 16th and Arbutus for those who don't
know, and it has a Supermarket next door
so you don't need to buy drinks. But you
should get the brownies. Really. Bad Girl is
playing at the Hollywood Theatre on
Thursday night at 9:30pm and again on
Monday 8th at 4:30 pm - which means
you'll have to skip that afternoon Polisci
class and hop on a #99 see it. It's a documentary on "porn made for women by
women". This is an easy sell. It's only an
hour long, and the guy who runs the Hollywood is an ASSHOLE - be warned - but
there's no language barrier because the
movie's Canadian, eh?
Be patriotic.
Down and Out with the Dolls (check out the
caps) is playing at the Vogue, 7pm Thursday. It's a joint USA/Aussie production, but
I've no idea what to expect. I dunno, the
picture looked interesting. Tuesday night,
3pm, A film from France called Fat Girl is
an "intimate, graphic and ultimately sensitive study of female sexuality...." Also at
the vogue, though it's another class/lab
conflict. I've been looking for something
that involves hard male bodies for my
female readers, but the pickings are very
slim. There is intimacy, from Great
Britain/France (what a pretentious title for
a country), which has a truckload of
awards behind it and this guy has a really
great... oh, shit, too late, it's over. Sorry. I
guess that's it for now.
I think Timothy Dalton put it best in one
of his early interviews, just after he
snatched the James Bond role out from
under Pierce Brosnan's nose. This magazine -1 couldn't tell which one, I was in a
doctor's study so the thing might easily be
part of the dead sea scrolls - but the interviewer was asking Timmy boy if he'd had
to, you know, buff up at all for the Bond
Role. And he said something like "I once
went to a gym. Horrible, disgusting experience. Sweating bodies everywhere, germs
blasting all over the place. Can't possibly
be healthy." I don't remember if he then
took a stiff pull from his hip flask, but I feel
that he should and so I'm putting it in.
There's nothing healthy about exercise. I
am, finally, bitterly, convinced of this. It's
evil. It's a dead end. I can't say for sure
what finally convinced me, but it may have
started with Hockey. Or Football. I think
Your name:
Your e-mail address:.
Your phone number:_
Your entries:
probably football. Don't get me wrong, I'm
a huge fan of hockey, and while I still think
Wayne Gretsky's greatest achievement was
quitting the game before he looked like
some crippled dwarf that needed intravenous codiene and Seconal just to play
two games a season. But I think that pro
football left a bigger mark on me because I
don't really know Mark Messier but I do
know Shaun Millington, sort of - his brother tutored me in high school. Pro football
stars quit early so they can get a special
deal on the team wheelchair, which pretty
well everybody needs after the age of
about thirty. Some of these guys, at the age
of Forty, walk like hermit crabs. It's grim.
They can't grip with their hands anymore,
from years of long passes. Sure, they have
celebrity value and big empty warehouses
just filled with money. They probably still
get laid, although I'll bet they don't get up
to anything too kinky unless it involves a
zimmer frame. Ironically, even "The Magic
Johnson" (check out www.nerve.com for
the position of the day. Then check out the
archives. Now that's what I'm talking
about) looks like it demands a little too
much flexibility for most retired athletes.
The Barvarian Pretzel or the Richard Gere
are definitely right out. HKIN Students
In an almost related subject, Canadian scientists decided to spend several million
dollars to try and find out why the French
are so damn smug. Here is what they did:
first of all they got some mice, which were
French mice. Then they gave the mice a
special diet, consisting of Brie cheese, buttered rolls, belgian truffles in cream sauce,
and other things which I cannot spell. At
this point, the mice had a referendum and
decided to form a separate nation. After
the mice were paid off with several pork
barrelling initiatives, they were also given
various drinks, from 20 year old drambuie
to water to red wine to labatt's blue. The
mice who were drinking the fine claret, the
merlot and the good port all lived for about
twice as long as the mice on water, even
when we stopped transfer payments to the
mice on water and had them start running
in the wheel again. See, I'm back on the
exercise again, with the wheels and the
poor damn mice who don't get to eat Brie
anymore. This is all going somewhere, and
I think we can both see just where. Those
scientists have too damn much time on
their hands. What the hell are they doing
feeding pate and Brie cheese to mice? I
think this goes a long way to explaining
how they got into my damn basement.
They sure as hell weren't looking for the
But no, seriously, medical science is like
fashion, except you know what to expect
from fashion. They've figured it all out for
sure this time almost every other week.
There's a guy over in Europe who is pushing 90 now, and his heart rate is still down
in the low 50's and his blood pressure is
terrific and he could squeeze a good 30
years more yet. How does he do it? By
never moving at all if he can help it. He
doesn't work out. He doesn't eat healthy.
Sometimes he doesn't eat at all. Just sits
there and counts out the days. And he's
getting a whole whack of 'em.
I see a future craze of people going to special centres where they do jack shit all day.
Nike will come out with a range of moisture wicking mu-mu's and "la-Z-boy"
wear. I can hardly wait. Pass me the claret.
As an aside, the film fest is also actually
good for art, and it's not too late. Check out
Cyberman (Oct2, vogue, 12:30), Century
Hotel (Oct2, 2pm, Vancouver Centre) and
Yado Yadegar - which may turn out to be an
Iranian Baraka, and is likely to be packed
in the wake of Set 11. There's also The
Princess and the Warrior, Tom Tykwer's follow up to Run Lola Run, which might just
possibly rock. For laughs, it might also be
fun to check out DOA2: birds, from japan,
"only Mike Takashi would make a sequel
to a movie that ended with global annihilation". I just gotta know.
Dead Pool
The Reaper
Sister Soul
Nothing much new here. Mr Dres-
sup (AKA Ernie Coombs), beloved
to all of us who are TV addicts as
children, passed away recently. No points
were scored for him, Casey, or Finnegan.
I've extended the date on which the dead
pool entries are due, as well. Three new
entries are in, yay for whoever the hell
bothered to actually get them to me.
Everyone else, you'd better hurry up if
you want a hope in the Underworld of
winning ACF or Cold Fusion tickets this
And remember, the points don't count if
you killed the person yourself. Of course, if
you don't get caught...
Because when you've got T&A,
who needs a cohesive plot?   1|
Wednesdays at 8
on UPN
Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail
to deadpool  432 @hotmail.com
you know we'll be watching Page Eight
02 OCTOBER 2001
Science Council Elections 2001-2002
Director of Finance
May Tee
SCIENCE: THE SPICE OF LIFE? Of course! That's why I enjoy volunteering and
helping students of the finest faculty at UBC-the faculty of science.
I'm running for Director of Finance and if elected, I will voice your ideas and concerns
at weekly SUS meetings and ensure that they are heard and addressed. I have lots of
experience working with money (I even worked at a bank last summer!), and I will work
hard to fairly distribute funds to SUS clubs, committees, and events.
Vote early, vote often, and vote Mav Tee as your Director of Finance!!!
Eh, May Tee? Get it? Like, Louis Riel? I hate money, -ed
Sameer Wahid
Vote for me. I have no experience, no desire to do this job, and will probably spend
the money on alcohol. So vote for me as I laugh at you from my West Van. castle.
with a speech like that, he's got my votes. I hate voting. And I hate Sameer. -ed
Hi, My name's Tommy Gershman. I am in fourth year Microbiology and I've learned that it is best to be prepared. So I've got my
trusty helmet and lifejacket just in case a big monsoon hits! Don't
worry your Public Relations Officer will survive! Someone has to
be around to talk to the news when the rest of UBC is swept under
by the might of the Burrard!
/ hate drowning, -ed
VP Internal
Brian MacLean
Hi, I'm Brian MacLean. I'm running for Vice-President
Internal. I think SUS has a great team this year and I'd
like to be a part of it. As VP Internal, I would have the
opportunity to work on some exciting areas within
SUS, including the First Year Committee (first year
committee would be the highlight for me too. Mmm..
freshmeat... I mean eager brilliant frosh minds -ed) and
the Guide. I have experience serving in the UBC Senate and Vice-Chairing the AMS University Commission. I look forward to working with all of SUS and I
encourage everyone to come out and vote. I think there
are a lot of good people running this year (Brian is the
only one running so he can say that with the utmost
confidence. Oh look and he's been acclaimed! -ed) and
I'd really like to see a record voter turnout.
/ hate it when people are cheery and acclaimed, -ed
First Year Rep
Andrew Thamboo
All fellow Science One students, it is the time of the year to choose the person who will
lead the way to a prosperous year. In the previous years I have been on Student Council and other various clubs in which I represented my grade or class. I did it before and
I'll do it again. (No, don't touch me there! No means NO! -ed) Vote 4 Andrew Thamboo.
 / hate keeners. -ed
Charles Huang
Feel the Urge??? Put Charles in Charge!!! Yes, votefor me, Charles Huang, as your very
own Science OneRepresentative. For only one vote, you can get myservice for FREE.
Yes, that's right, for FREE, (oh baby, let me use your services! -ed) I willprovide the best
representation in the SUS for you.Remember... Charles in Charge.
 / hate quaint phrasings and slogans, -ed
I""   Ju^:;i^*/\ #
Has something for
Microbi and
Uri Burstyn
Hi Everyone.I would like to be your Microbiology/Immunology Department Representative to the SUS for the coming year.This will be my third year in the Microbiology Department at UBC. My active involvement in the academic and social life of our
department makes me the prime candidate for the position. I have been a member of
MISA for two years now; I'm on this years grad committee, and I have "supported"
every MISA bzzr garden since coming to UBC. Please come out and vote Oct. 3-Oct.
5 and allow me to represent you.
. / hate it when people can't even admit that they get pissed at beer gardens and will
dance around that by saying things like "supported" or "patronized", -ed
en KAILA for
^!trrt>£>T Rep
Hello ya'll! Remember to Vote for Ken KAILA in the
upcoming SUS elections! I am an active member of
the Science Community and a member of the Golden
Key Society and I have been known to show up on the
Dean's List. Remember to vote KAILA this week!
Am I allowed to hate something just because I can't read it?
General Officer       ^
Alan Warkentin
My name is Alan Warkentin and I am looking forward to being
your GO. rep. As my picture shows, I do plenty of thinking and
my inability to pick a specific science makes me the perfect representative for you all. I have been a thorn in the SUS Council's
side for a year now and with your vote, I can continue to make
our meetings a more exciting place! Vote Alan!!
 / hate thinking, -ed
Matt Smith
Hey guys, I'm Matt. First off, I'd like to encourage everyone to come out and vote. Secondly, I'd like to ask for your votes for me as General Officer. I have experience as a
peer tutor, councilor, and as a mentor to younger students. I was also the captain of my
soccer team last year. I'm fairly well rounded and I think I could bring a lot of new ideas
to SUS. Thanks and hope to get your votes.
/ hate it when people, after a title which is their name, say what their name is in the
first sentance of the very next paragraph, -ed
Eugene WuRemy Winklmeier
"Oh I wish I were a winklMEJER wiener, that is what I truly want to BE/for if I had a
winklMElER wiener, everybody would be in love with ME!" Well, I do have a
winklMEIER wiener so as the 80's style song suggests everybody should be in love
with me, right? Come out and vote for Remy Winklmeier as General Officer of the
Science Undergraduate Society. I'll take everyone's beef into consideration! (don't
quite know what I'll do with all that beef yet but when the appropriate time comes, I'll
make sure it's brought up in meetings)
I hate hot dogs. They taste repulsive, -ed
Theresa Liao
/ hate... I dunno what I
hate, all right? Happy? -ed
How has the first month of school been? Pretty hectic, huh? It
really seems like many things in our lives are based on time. For
example: What time is it? When is the first midterm? Why is
summer taking so long to come? And now, ifs time for elections.
My name is Juliana Lam and Pm running to bo your General Officer.
I was involved with SUS last year as the First Year Rep. This year,
lefs work together to build another incredible year.
I hate photos that don't print well, -ed
General Officer
/ hate having to
hate something all
the time, -ed 02 OCTOBER 2001
Page Nine
Make a difference in your student society - be an elections irregularity!
First Year Rep
Vote for me.
(Dan Yokom, First Year Rep)
/ hate baby pictures, -ed
like bzzr? hate fisiks? vote for eug...(that's eugene)... hate
bzzr? like fisiks? what, are you crazy? vote for me anyway!
As your first year science rep, i'll listen to your wants,
listen to your needs, listen to ALL your whining, walk your
dog, reskue your kat, feed your fish, take out your garbage,
give you an alibi, do your laundry (ewww!), make your
lunch, karry you to class, get your homework (NO i won't
do it for you), pick up your empty cans, clean up the puke...
Find me and get candy!!
/ hate low quality jpegs. -ed
Hiu-Wah Li
Hi to all the first year students, we
ROCK! If you want to have a truly awesome year, VOTE FOR ME! I will do
whatever it takes to make it happen. If you
think it's really important to have someone
energetic, dedicated, and even crazy to
represent you. VOTE FOR ME! If you
think it doesn't matter, VOTE FOR ME!
After all, your parents voted for the NDP,
how much worse can you get? But seriously, vote for Li, and kick ass to start
your first degree!
god, I hate rhymes, -ed
Annes (Hee-Yun) Song
/ hate low quality jpegs. Still,
I hate blurbs that don't even bother
saying anything, -ed
Serena Siow
I don't like writing propaganda hereOr self-promotion talks all full of bull.I can't give
out free condoms or free beerTo make you vote for me against your will.So why would
you secure your vote with meAs your perfect rep for CSP?My leadership experience
includes contribution to student government and ModelUnited Nations Club. Participation in provincial and national athletics hastaught me valuable teamwork skills. Working with seniors and with disabledchildren has taught me optimism when facing challenges. I'm passionate,dedicated, and intend to put my strengths to your service. If you
give me achance to be my best, I'll give you a chance to be yours.
/ hate blatantly sexual voting incentives. If they aren't directed at me, that is. -ed
Hedy Lam
FREE FOOD! All right now that I got your attention. My name is Hedy Lam and lam
a first year student running for CSP rep. Free bbq will be one of the manythings that I
will help us fight for. I am very reliable and outgoing, so ifyou have anything you want
feel free to approach me and I will do my best tovoice out your opinions during SUS.
Those of you in the Coordinated ScienceProgram, get involved, GO VOTE and be sure
to check off the box beside HEDYLAM.
I hate happyness. Go figure.-ed
Chris Stevens
Hey, 1'ni Chris Stevens. Why vote for me for CSP representative? First, F irresponsible. I study hard, do well in school and manage my time well. SecondJ'm involved. I
volunteer with kids, play in a band, work as a lifeguard andnow I want to represent you
in the SUS. Third, I'm friendly, so come talk tome! What will I do for you? I could tell
you, but that would be what I want todo. My job is to voice YOUR needs and make sure
that you, the CSP students, areheard. So vote me for CSP!
I hate reasoning that doesn't really apply to the position.-ed
General Science Rep   )
Drunk Dan Anderson
I'm allowed 100 words here, eh? 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51
52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78
79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 goodbye, losers.
/ hate myself, -ed
Earth and Ocean Sci
ences Rep
Kenneth Kwok
Kenneth Kwok is well experienced in the realm of student politics. He
knowshow to bribe his superiors and when to keep his mouth shut.
Ken alsocontributes greatly to council sessions with his "talents"
which includesleeping, making funny faces at other councillors, and
occasionally playingthe role of dictator/master overlord/all-supreme
ruler. He is punctual andattends meetings, which is more that you can
.    jsay about other candidates.Vote for Kenneth Kwok or dire predictions
i&&Lrf**^Jf*  J lD0Ut hurricanes and other freaksof nature will ensue!
/ hate it when people are fun to be around, -ed
(    Integrated Sciences    )
Arezoo Astanehe
Hi everyone !! !My name is Arezoo Astanehe and I am currently in my fourth year at
UBC. lam in the integrated science program, majoring in genetics and math. Atthis
coming SUS election I will be running for the Integrated ScienceDepartment Representative position. So come out and vote for me becauseas your representative I will
make sure that your concerns are heard.
/ hate it when people triple-punctuate with exclamation points.
I hate it when people misspell and use spaces incorrectly.
I hate the fact that I can't (by bylaw) make modifications to these stinking blurbs.
Computer Science Rep
James Dai
/ hate it when there's only one person running for a spot and all they
give me is a stinking photo.
Chemistry Rep
Chris Zappavigna
I Icllo, my name is Chris Zappavigna and I am running for Chemistry
Department representative on the Science Undergraduate Society council.
As president of the Undergraduate Chemistry Society, I have a fair understanding of the chemistry department at U.B.C. More importantly, how-
e\ cr, I have an excellent understanding of all students enrolled in chem-
istry courses. I will provide excellent representation for the chemistry
£_\ department and ensure that my voice is heard on council when necessary.
/ hate chemistry. Except when it makes things go 'boom'. -ed
C Physics and Astronomy )
Suresh Sivanandam
I am a 3rd year Physics and Astronomy student eager to be your SUS Physics and
Astronomy Department representative. Having extensive experience representing students in committees, I believe I would be a worthy candidate as your representative. So
vote for me, Suresh Sivanandam as your SUS Physics and Astronomy representative.
I hate physics. Unless it involves things falling and then going 'boom', -ed
I hate white space. Page Ten
02 OCTOBER 2001
_ .E N C E
Elections Game 2001!
By yourself (if drunk) or with a partner (also if drunk) flip a coin to see who
goes first. Every time it's your turn, flip to move: heads moves you two spaces
forward, tails moves you one space forward. Obey whatever you land on.
For extra spice, the loser has to enter five ballots with write-ins for "Beer,
Kegov", "Pylon, The" or "Boetzkes, Mikey". If you're really into it, act out the
squares you land on whenever possible - ie, "vote again" or "drop your pants
at a poll booth".
vote again,
flip again!
Busted for trying
to double-vote.
Remove the
scratch next time!
Go back to start.
Get sucker,
Find a copy of the
Nominal Roll
Spend one turn
reading it, trying to
find that cule girl in
your Bio class' phone
Run in the
elections. Lose a
turn due to
You're a ballot
counter; move
forward 3
spaces as you
Read The 432 to
find out where the
poll booths are.
Can't find 'em in
it. Lose 1 turn.
John Hallett
shows you how to
"vote for real".
Move forward
two spaces.
Poll clerk shows
cleavage. You
forget what you
were going to do.
Spend rest of turn
Poll Clerk is out
of lollipops; you
cry for one turn.
I Uneventful vote.
Sucks to be you.
Slip a ballot-
counter a flask.
Go again.
Get drunk, go on
campus tour,
forget all about
elections. Skip
two turns.
Kill Anna O, the
Kommandant. Go
Drop your pants
at a poll booth.
No visible result.
Poll clerk asks for
student ID, so you
can't vote again.
Lose a turn.
Poll clerk won't
take your "Elvis T.
King" student
card. Lose a
Steal all the lollipops
from a booth. Twitch
so much from sugar
you accidentally
votw threemore
times Go again.
Steal ballot box.
Spend one turn
looking through
it, then go twice
as you stuff it full!
Where am I?
Voting goes
normally. Go
Poll clerk asks you
to watch station
asshe goes to
washroom. Vote
and flip twice while
she's gone!
You forget your
student IDs at
home. Lose a
Find a copy of the
Nominal Roll.
Spend one turn
reading it, trying to
find that cute guy in
your Bio class' phone
That crack you
smoked on the
way to the poll
booth is getting to
Ballot miscount;
flip coin. Heads,
go again. Tails,
skip a turn.
Jay Garcia is poll
clerking. Move
forward 3.
Write-in for
Cuddles Klawe,
the Cat.
Make YOUR votes count! 02 OCTOBER 2001
Page Eleven
Confessions of a Graduate  The Drawers of SUS
Rachael Sundin
How different my life is compared
to my first year. I remember my
first day, back when Imagine UBC
was in its infancy, and was just some daycare for all the new students; (so, things
haven't changed much, then? -ed) a social
experiment that some whacked-out psych
student had dreamed up in their spare
time in order to see just how confused they
could get the First years. And the first day
of res, when I discovered all the charms
that a Vanier double-room had to offer,
(kinky! -ed) complete with requisite bimbo
valley-girl roommate, and a cafeteria that
even inmates at prison shouldn't have to
frequent. In those first few days, I sat in
stupified silence, looking around wide-
eyed and thinking, "Five years of this. Five
years, and I'll be a qualified educator, able
to go about teaching, make a fair living,
and live in a decent place. Five
years....sounds like a prison sentence."
Well, major changes have occurred since
then. I've finished my undergrad, I've left
the safe little nest of residence, and I'm living in the big bad city that is Kerris-
dale....now when I walk home, instead of
passing First years puking in the bushes
after Pit night, I pass 80-year-olds out jogging with Muffy, the family dog.
And I've started my degree in Primary
Education. That's right, 12 short months
and I will be out on the streets, with a mission to make some money. (Some people say
"I want to improve the youth". At least you're
realistic, -ed) I've seen this day coming for
years now, I'm so close to done, but...
Please don't make me go.
I've been sucked in! The lifestyle, the luxury, it's got me! The nights of staying up
until 4am and thinking that at least you got
to bed before the sun came up, of .drinking
your face off on a Wednesday night (did
you know that the rest of the world considers drinking on a weeknight disfunc-
tional?) of Kraft dinner feasts and days on
end of eating freezer-burned bagels
because you can't afford to go grocery
shopping...all the beautiful highlights of
my undergrad years are slipping away
before my eyes. In what was eerily like a
military initiation, the Dean of Education
spoke to us on our first day, enunciating
firmly into the microphone, his voice ringing out over the crowd: "You are no longer
students, so stop behaving like it! You are
TEACHERS, and you are responsible for
NO! I screamed. It cannot be! I have 12
more months of sweet student life left, you
can't rob me of that...but the security blanket of studency was stripped away, and I
was rudely shoved naked and shivering
into the world of post-graduate training.
My classes are filled with people who are
returning to "finally finish that teaching
degree they've always wanted to do," and
most of them are 25 and older. I positively
feel like an infant at 21! Suddenly I'm surrounded by people who eat right, go to bed
at 9pm, and have children - and are not in
fact the victims of accidental teen pregnancy.
I can see it already. Inexorably, I'm growing up. Just last week, the phrase, "Well, it's
after 10pm, I'd better get to bed," passed
through my lips. So I'm on a desperate
campaign to maintain my student identity.
If anyone would like to go out drinking, or
even just stay up really late watching
infomercials, please call me! Hey, I'll pay!
Cuz I can't do it alone, I need help. Serious
And remember kids....no matter what
anyone tells you, take as long as you want
to finish that degree. Because what's on the
other side of it isn't pretty. Adulthood is a
scary, scary thing.
Contact Kat at:
Reka Sztopa
Hi Everyone, no doubt that you have
read my past two exec reports and
now know everything about my
life that I never wanted to tell you.
The past 3 weeks back to school have been
most hectic. Kudos go out to all of the
Executive, Councilors and others who
have helped so much to get SUS to all the
major events on campus. A special thank
you to this year's exec you have already
gone above and beyond anything I
dreamed possible. A sad farewell to Julia,
Jag and Anna who have moved on to other
things and are no longer able to be executive.
So why have we been so busy? What have
we been up to? SUS was at Imagine, at the
Main Event Carnival, at the United Way
Kickoff(we won a microwave!), at the Football game on the 28th, and at Science Parent Orientation. We also put on the Science
Kickoff BBQ and the Second Class Bash
BZZR garden. And the lab rat, our new
SUS mascot, has also made several appearance.
In the next few weeks stay tuned for SUS
Fall elections, the SUS survey, Octoberfest,
the LabRAt naming contest, the official
opening of the new SUS lounge (Klinck
202) and many more great things.
Good luck as we move into midterm season!
She didn't mention her tanking or her PVC,
did she?
Kat Scotton
Hello everyone! Not much news
from me right now. United Way
BBQ was on the 26th, we won a
microwave for selling tickets.... Thunder-
birds Game/Bzzr Garden was on the 28th.
Hmmm... look for our up coming Oktoberfest. For those that would like to join my
social committee, please email me, I need
your support so I don't have to do everything myself.
Tim Chan
I am glad that the orchestrated removal
of key SUS exec has proceeded so
smoothly. The president is still a willing
puppet, the SoCo has agreed to put psychotropic drugs in beer garden drinks to
increase susceptability to our subliminal
messaging, and the External VP is brain-
washing for us in guise of a lab rat.	
Kristin Lyons
Well, I don't have much to say this
week but that sports rebates are
due Nov. 23 at 12pm. To get your
rebates as a science team, I need the
receipt, a copy of the registration form, and
the name, phone number and email
address of the person who I am writing the
receipt to. You can drop off your rebates in
my box in SUS. You'll be able to pick up
your rebates shortly after the rebate deadline in the SUB business office. Oh, I would
also like to put it out there that someone
decided to steal my purse and wallet
minus everything that was in them so
although you are a considerate thief,
f..king give them back.
Oh yeah, I guess I should say something
about participating in intramural sports.
Some of the sexiest people on campus are
in sports, therefore by a simple mathematical equation sports=sex, enough said!
Mmm, sex. Again.
Corrie Baldwin
I finally think I've tackled the system to
get the minutes completed and the
agenda ready for each council meeting
without setting myself weeks behind in my
classes. Nothing else much to report. If
you would like to bring up an issue in
council and you would like to see it put in
the agenda, please let me know before
Tuesday at 4:32pm so we can discuss it in
our exec meeting (so it can be placed in the
agenda for council). So, anyway, that's my
spiel for this week. Oh, and, SOCCER
ROCKS! Go G.M.U.'s!
External VP
Michael Groves
The AMS has been proactive over the
last couple of weeks updating the
by-laws of the society. The last
update was in 1980 so they were a little
archaic and reeked of an era John Travolta
used to personify. For them to take effect,
they will need to be passed in a referren-
dum which will occur in the near future. A
notable thing that the AMS couldn't decide
on was what to do with a $600,000 fund.
Ideas from letting it collect interest to build
a new SUB in 2028 to spending it all to
replace the urinals in the SUB were tossed
around. Any ideas? Forward them to me,
and I'll let the powers that be know. The
other main issue for this upcoming refer-
rendum is a new AMS fee to maintain the
AMS services once the Coke deal expires.
More news on all this as it unfolds.
Tranklink also is going to have a $28 million shortfall this year increasing to $40
million in the coming years unless they
curb their spending. They are proposing
to cut 4% of their services which includes
the Night Owl Service (ie. no buses will
run out of downtown Vancouver after
1:40am). The AMS will lobby Translink to
preserve existing UBC routes in light of
this shortfall. Visit the Translink website
(www.translink.bc.ca) for more details.
Finally, delays in student loans will be
brief according to Edulinx. If they haven't
arrived already, they will soon. Guido
probably won't have to break you legs for
late payments to the registrar's office after
all. Now, if only it were possible to quiet
the voices that demand that the money be
spent recklessly.... (don't quiet the voices in
my head! They're my friends! -ed)
D. of Pub
Ben Warrington
We are well into the 432 season,
now, and it seems to be going
fairly well. Dan and Lana have
been doing a good job of editing. (Must...
kill... Ben... -ed) You may notice that this
issue is back up to twelve pages like it was
towards the end of last year. Hopefully, we
will continue to get enough quality material to continue producing twelve pagers.
Keep sending those articles.
It is now time to start thinking about the
Paradigm, SUS's serious science publication. If you are interested in writing an article for this magazine, or if you have a co-op
report or directed studies paper that you
would like to submit in whole or in part,
feel free to contact me at benjawar@inter-
change.ubc.ca. This is your opportunity to
get published as an undergraduate. I have
not set a deadline or publication date, yet,
but feel free to make submissions at any
time. Page Twelve
Lean, Mean, Grad-Student Machine
Andy Martin
Sword-chuck Master
Years upon years of cursing everything under the sun when I get those
goddamned peices of stapled paper,
with what is laughably called a 'midterm
mark' on the top of the foremost paper. Staples stabbing through the paper as the
number on the top stabs my heart, the red
ink smeared over the paper blurred in the
red of my hot rage at the same two digits
and the 'Mr. Yuck' sticker next to them.
And now, I'm on the other side, and
thought the reasons are different, the
familiar feelings are the same. Blinding
rage and sorrow, all rolled into one juicy
emotion-strudel, is still a bitter pie to choke
down every three weeks. But this time, it's
rage directed at idiotic people answering
the questions that I have to mark.
As a grad student, I live the life of the
marker. The giver and take-away-er of
GPAs, the twig that will send the river to a
future of either scalpeling at the operating
table, or mopping up at the porn theatre.
It should be an easy job after all. The prof
hands me the exam, with rough estimates
of what he expects from his students that
he has so carefully taught for the last thirty
days. He has held them to his bosom, and
suckled them on sweet knowledge (yes,
that's what's called a freakin' METAPHOR
you perverts!). And now, when he turns on
them, he expects me to slit the throat while
he keeps them from struggling.
I prepared for it. I read the frosh textbook,
which was actually a pleasant read when
compared to the indepth stuff you have to
read from year 2 onwards. I showed up in
a class or two, and even gave extra office
hours, a la Biol 303 before the exam. And a
la Biol 303, nobody showed up. I had
licence to be the bastard with the red pen.
I'd make 'em pay for leaving me lonely
these last couple of days. Only, it seemed I
wouldn't need the inspiration.
It was to be a relatively painless process.
First year biology class. Only a month of
classes to cover. 20 questions. I set up my
brand-spankin' used laptop, freshly purchased from the local pawn shop, on the
desk beside me, put my Spinal Tap DVD
on, and started on my escapade into
unmarked grad student territory.
A little side story. I realized the true danger of buying a computer used from the
pawn shop, besides the usual moral degre-
dation associated with such an act (according to regression estimates, it was the next
level I had to sink to anyways). It's not the
qualm that it could be stolen, broken,
infected or merely a peice of crap. No my
friends, the true danger lies in the fact that
the former owners might not have deleted
their homemade pornography from the
desktop display. AHHHH! It's burned into
my eyes! Get me a priest! NOW!
But anyways, to the bruising bass riff of
Tap's 'Big Bottom', and the repressed memories it brought back from 3 dark, dark
days ago when I initially booted the computer up, I started to mark the first few
questions. And I instantly found indisputable support for my highly contriver-
sial Frosh-Are-Stupid Theory.
Check out the hew
*■ ^j^
Holy Crap! So freaking STUPID! There is
a obvious wide variety of frosh quality. For
each paragraph question, I could get anything from a textbook-quality explanation
of Mitosis, to a poem about it, beliving that
we just asked for their feelings of the horrible 'Anaphase' tragedy of 1946.
Some answers were just wrong, some
were one-word answers for a 5-mark paragraph question, some were meandering
tales of everything relating to the subject,
except what was actually being asked in
the question being 'answered'.
It was obvious that these kids still thought
they were in high school. Remeber High
School? Never having to open the textbook? Taking the entire weekend off to go
party and still getting an A? If you watched
the Discovery Channel, you would know
more than the teacher?...well, neither do I.
The brain cells holding the past memories
were the first thing to go when I turned
'social drinking' into a much more intimite
Soon enough, I had to start giving out
token marks for wrong answers, based on
the fact that 90% of the class thought
Active Transport meant running a protein
up a hill. There's a thousand tales of horribly stupid/funny, Froshes-Say-The-Darnd-
est-Things kind of answers. But, on the
l:zillion chance that someone'U send this
back East to my boss, I might show an iota
of restraint and entertain you by swearing
a lot instead.
Twenty-five hours of marking, and a shot
weekend later, my hands were covered in
red marking ink. The stains just wouldn't
come out! Out! Out damn spot! And the
final mark...let's just say that held my office
hours that week in my closet, clutching a
textbook and a shotgun. But sometimes we
T.A.s just have no choice. You didn't know
it, and you got it all wrong. Exams aren't
hard, you just have to burn a thousand
facts into your brain, and be able to recite
them, word for word, when the time
I still remember getting my first undergrad test back. Man I aced that sucka...'ace'
being a synonym for 1, and 'that sucka'
being a synonym for 'out of 10'. A scum-
scraping mark for a test you worked a
week on doesn't exactly endear University
to you. I needed a moment, and found it
quickly. I learned to use my fake ID that
year, yessiree! And the more drinking I
did, the better my marks got. Now I mark
the tests, baby!
Grad school is a kick. Classes don't start
'till 4pm! You get to actually insult the prof
back when he insults you! You get your
own desk that's cluttered with work stuff
instead of rez crap! Legal copies of keys to
campus buildings! When you're invited
drinking on Friday night you go, not
because you don't think it'll hurt your
marks, but because you know it'll help
because your prof is the one inviting you!
And: Bribes! Bribes! Bribes! are just some
of the thousand pleasures of life not afforded to undergrads.
C'mon, it's just another 2-14 years of your
life. C'mon and join the party, all the cool
people are doing it. Join us. Join us...forev-
er! Mmmm....brains.
Bastard! that's my line!
We've got some bright new
digs over at Klinck 202;
we've got a sunny lounge
with comfy couches, a
quiet study area, and
(coming soon) high-speed
internet access.
We've still got some of the
cheapest pop on campus,
and access to free phones
and a student-use
Come and find us; we're
just two floors above
Computing Services, and
right next to the big lecture
halls in Klinck.
Check upcoming issues of
the 432 for a list of your
elected councilmembers,
contact info and office


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