VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE THREE 02 OCTOBER 2001 In this issue: Violence ute Little Kittens and more, if y< "In my mind I see a country that has no war, no violence of any kind... an absolute Utopia. Then I see us bombing the fuck out of them, 'cause they'd never see it coming." -unknown WAR!!! AMS Takes Poorly-Thought Out Stance On Foreign Policy Reuters, Vancouver In a move which surprised none, the AMS has voted in drastic changes to their constitution, including extensive modifications to the Foreign Policy section. Included in the changes were passages indicating that: no Michael Jackson imports or exports are to be allowed, it's illegal not only to advertize using the words "beer," "bzzr," and other modifications of alcohol descriptions, but also to say them out loud in public (It is unclear as to whether this affects people who mouth the words silently and people who use sign language), it is illegal to exist if your name rhymes with 'orange' or 'purple' (we couldn't figure out why they put this one in), and that trade ties with all North American countries (including Canada) are to be severed, and a NAFTA-style free trade agreement has been implemented which will require us to hire and purchase on an equal basis with Outer Mongolia, Lithuania, People between the ages of 21 and 23 1/2 in Chile, and Saint-Pierre and Michuelon, (but not the rest of France), although this will make effectively no difference on the present UBC economy, as the AMS lacks the funds to hire even a single 'border patrol' officer for the 16th and 41st highway smuggle routes. Also, laws were put in place that give the AMS president full authority to declare martial law. Erfan Kazemi, of course, did just that. The AMS and UBC are officially at war against someone. It is as yet undefined as to who. When pressed on the matter, Mr. Kazemi stated that "we are in a crisis situation here. The future of the AMS and UBC itself is at stake." When we asked him again just who we were at war with, he stated "We must prevail. The enemy seeks to undermine our very way of life; this cannot be allowed." When we pointed out that he was just quoting translated Nazi statements, and asked (again) who we were at war with, he was whisked away by his entourage. The EUS and SUS are complicating matters as their radical revolutionary groups, the Engineering and Science Councils (respectively), each are independently plotting to overthrow the AMS rulers. THE. fARKIN6 LOT IS fULl by Jack McLaren and Pat Spacek !**-*„. «•,*„.*..,, *~i;* } .„„—-^—_ .^~,— ' i ' * i \ V . > ) f ' !■ I. . - ■ I maybe we should tell you the secret about this club. It's not really a club at all, but it merely poses as one so that it can take over the world without the general population having any knowledge of it's true workings." "Sounds like fun, but I already joined the Pottery Club so I don't see what this club has to offer. Hey wait a second, how do you know my name?" "Grab him!" 5 other figures came running out of the shadows and assaulted me with trash cans, baseball bats, and rolled-up issues of the Discorder. I tried to scream for help, but AMS security either didn't hear me or was busy "guarding" the arcade. I awoke in a dark room, with dim lights and a strange smell. This was obviously a room where logic had no place, where the Why I Hate People running about (it is 8:30, they should be in school!). So, after following them for 5 minutes, I decide to take a side street and go screaming down the lane at around 70 km/h in an effort to get ahead of them; but, as soon as I turn off, they decide to go fast as well so I once again pull up behind them, and then they slow down again. Fuck. This continues all the way to school. On the way, I encounter more stupid people that I hate. These people fly down the right turn lane at 100 km/h and then try to squeeze back in to the main stream of cars, setting off a cacophony of horns, gestures, and the odd phrase that could make an engineer blush. And let us not forget the people who do this to get ONE CAR AHEAD! I mean holy cow, you just saved yourself a whole 2 sees of driving time and all it took was pissing off about 10 people and nearly causing an accident. As you get closer to UBC, it seems that either people get dumber and dumber, or they are so busy explaining to their friends why they are late on their cell phone that they forget to drive. That is when you come upon the weavers. I really hate these people. We have all seen them, they drive right up behind the person ahead of them, slam on their brakes, and then move back and forth in an effort to see ahead of the car whose ass they are hanging off of, which of course, they can't because they are so close. After about 2 minutes of this, the suddenly decide to pass you, thereby cutting of the cars in the other lane, causing more near accidents as brake lights start appearing and horns start a honkin'. Speaking of which, what the hell does a horn do? I have seen many people nearly take out some jaywalking pedestrian because they were spending to much time honking and not enough time braking and/or swerving. Mind you, if you are one of those jerks who a) crosses the street 5 meters from a crosswalk and makes everyone stop for you in rushhour traffic b) likes to wear black and cross busy streets at night wherever you want or c) slowly meanders your way across the street as if you are looking for a contact lens, then I think you should be fair game. Remember, 10 extra points for those who use canes and 50 if you can get them into the air!! But I digress, I was talking about driving, not walking. So where was I, oh yes, horns. So I finally get to UBC, alive and intact, though with somewhat frayed nerves at having seen my life flash before me 6 times and having to change twice, (change what? Your lane? Your mind? Your diaper? I find I don't have to change mine too much if I don't eat bran. My mind, that is. -ed) Now comes the fun of parking. I will admit, I have a big car (affectionate- everyday rules of reality did not apply, where the Earth became Hell and Hell became the Earth."Where am I?" "Buchanan D336. Now, will you join the club willingly, or do we have to use force?" the scary boy asked. He was obviously their leader. "You can't force me to do anything! I'll never help you with your evil plans. Do your worst." "Okay." "Eep." The 9 members moved in to finish me off, and were about to beat me beyond recognition, but the good-looking girl spoke at the last second/'Wait! Don't forget, if our plan is to succeed, then we need him alive!" "She's right." the leader said. "Darn, and I was looking forward to using this corkscrew I sent away for." "Why do you need me alive? What does your evil club have planned for me?" That's when it dawned on me. THE EXCELLENCE CLUB. Nine members. Buchanan D. It all made sense."You only have 9 members! You're not a club at all! Without me you can't get AMS funding! That's the reason you need me to join willingly!" "You're also the last descendant of the shaman/warlord who prophosized that his future great-great- great-great-great-great-grandson would be the one who enslaves the entire world, but yeah, it's mainly because we need a tenth member," the leader said matter-of-factly." "Well too bad. Find some other shaman/warlord's great-great-great-great- great-great-grandson for your club!"The leader looked at me with a look of disappointment. "All of the othergreat-great- great-great-great-great-grandsons are in Arts. We really have our hearts set on you. Enough talk. Get the mind-control serum." "You mean the beer?" one of the members asked."Yes, the beer." "This isn't how I pictured my first beer garden. But if it's free, then I guess I can overlook being tied to a chair." I tried to hold out as long as I could, but it was no use. The Excellence's Club mind- control serum was too powerful. Soon I gave in and joined their club. After a few more serums, I agreed to be Treasurer. I'm not sure if this will lead to the end of the world as we know it, but it sure made my Clubs Days experience the most memorable and enjoyable one yet. Mmm, crack, -ed -Any Given Politician ly called the pimp-mobile by many). It is a 1981 Pontiac Grand Le Mans. I love driving it. Sure, it may be a bitch to park, but considering most cars on the road are imports that are Vi my weight and Vz my length, I know that I will survive any accident whereas they won't. (I know the feeling. I used to drive a solid steel 81 Cutlass Supreme. A bitch to push, but once left a phone pole leaning and just took a little dent -ed) Back to parking, looking for a spot seems to mean racing down the aisles in an effort to steal the spot from whoever else is out their (read: the enemy). It reminds me of when I was 10 and would go on the bumper cars. When you finally do manage to find a spot by zipping into a recently vacated one and thus beating out 5 others all homing in onto the position, you find that since the cars you parked beside couldn't park straight, your door only opens 3 inches. So you then spend another 10 minutes maneuvering your car so you can get out as well as screwing any chances of you other neighbor of getting into his/her car. The last hurdle is getting your ticket. The first 3 machines you go to are always either broken, don't like your credit card, or give you half a ticket. Finally you can go to class, happy that you are only 30 minutes late this time, and glad that you don't have to drive for a couple of hours. Thank God for Mr. Absolut and Bacardi... Page Six THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 02 OCTOBER 2001 The Science Undergraduate Society (SUS) is interested in finding ways 14) What topics would you like to see covered by guest lecturers? to better serve you, the Science student. To this effect, we have created , this survey. Completed surveys can be returned to the SUS office dur- ing office hours (see Guide) or can be submitted online at : www.ams.ubc.ca/sus. Upon submission of a completed survey you will receive a ballot form for a mystery prize draw to be held in October. The deadline for submissions is October 30, 2001. If you have any questions please e-mail sus@interchange.ubc.ca. 15) If SUS were to administer a scholarship, what criteria do you feel would be important? Year Dept (if applicable). 1) How well do you feel you know your student society? Very well Somewhat Science Under Where? 16) If SUS formed sports and intramurals teams, what sports teams would you be willing to join? 2) What would increase your pride as a UBC science student? 3) What would motivate you to attend more SUS events? 17) What events in previous years did you like at Science Week? 4) What would you like to see at bzzr gardens: themes, specify: entertainment (eg comedians), specify: live band, specify type of music: alternatives to bzzr, specify: 18) Do you have any ideas for new events during Science Week? 19) What kind of prizes would you like at Science Week? 5) What is the most you are willing to pay for SUS to bring a big name band to ' UBC? : 6) What potential trips organized by SUS would-.yoii attend (eg. ski trip, trip to 2fJ) |n your experience, what has been the most effective method of advertising a concert)? events tQ you? 7) If you are or have been a first year student at UBC, what kind of events geared towards frosh would you like to see organized? 21) At present, science students pay $12 in student fees. This is one of the lowest student fees at UBC. To better provide services and resources would you be willing to see a small increase ($5-$10) in your student fees? 8) What other events would you like SUS to organize (eg.coffee house, forums)? Yes No If not, why not? 9) What types of services (that are not already offered) would you like SUS to offer (eg. seminars on study skills)? 10) What resources should the SUS lounge be equipped with to better meet your needs? 11) How can we improve the accessibility to contact information of SUS councillors and executives, as well as information on committees, office hours and resources? 12) In what capacity would you be willing to be involved with SUS this year. As a: SUS councillor Member of a SUS committee Member of FYC (First Year Committee), if applicable Volunteer Participant 13) If you have not been involved with SUS before or are not considering being involved, what would increase your future participation? SUS is often called upon to comment on issues pertaining to science students. To enable us to be fully prepared to answer these questions, we would like to gather statistics on the satisfaction of science students regarding their education. Are you satisfied with the quality of the education you are receiving in the UBC Faculty of Science in terms of: In the following question, check yes or no, then rank each in order of importance (1 being the most important and 11 being the least important) YES NO RANKING OF IMPORTANCE a) Class sizes b) Lab facilities c) Availability of labs d) Frequency of labs e) Availability and frequency of tutorials f) Classroom facilities g) Quality of instruction by professors h) Quality of instruction by teaching assistants i) availability of classes . j) Variety of classes k) Curriculum Would you want the Faculty of Science to focus on (Circle one): a) increasing integrated programs or b) strengthening core programs? This survey is online at http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/survey.html 02 OCTOBER 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO> Page Seven Movies. Porn. Brie. Mix well. Serve Chilled. somuchspaaam@hotmail.com email him! I owe you all an apology this week. I've been slacking off. I was going to give you a review of the Fringe festival, so you could have felt sorry for yourself thinking about all the great stuff you missed, and I could have taken gross advantage of our publications budget. But no, I was a lazy ass bastard, and I hardly got out at all. Not even to a damn restaurant. Instead, for this issue, I'll go through the Georgia straight for you and read the Film Festival stuff looking for potentially good porn that you can trick your girlfriend/boyfriend/pet chihuaha into thinking is actually decent art instead of a crude seduction attempt. Italian for Beginners is from Denmark, and I know for a fact that they have a lot of sex in Denmark. It's in Italian, so you can claim you're doing comparitive studies of Church latin and contemporary Italian or something. Invite your cute TA along. Oh, wait, Last showing is Monday Oct 1, probably too late for us. Sorry. Let's try again. Holy shit, I'm starting to notice a pretty slim timeline here. Okay, the Pornographer is French/Canadian, it's a little under 2 hrs, and it's on Tuesday night (Oct 2, 9:30pm) at the Ridge. Sadly, with a title like that, you're never going to convince anyone that you're going to see art, so unless you're dating a former editor of the reallydeepbelowground you're pretty much screwed. Still, The Ridge is actually a kick-ass movie theatre, it's at 16th and Arbutus for those who don't know, and it has a Supermarket next door so you don't need to buy drinks. But you should get the brownies. Really. Bad Girl is playing at the Hollywood Theatre on Thursday night at 9:30pm and again on Monday 8th at 4:30 pm - which means you'll have to skip that afternoon Polisci class and hop on a #99 see it. It's a documentary on "porn made for women by women". This is an easy sell. It's only an hour long, and the guy who runs the Hollywood is an ASSHOLE - be warned - but there's no language barrier because the movie's Canadian, eh? Be patriotic. Down and Out with the Dolls (check out the caps) is playing at the Vogue, 7pm Thursday. It's a joint USA/Aussie production, but I've no idea what to expect. I dunno, the picture looked interesting. Tuesday night, 3pm, A film from France called Fat Girl is an "intimate, graphic and ultimately sensitive study of female sexuality...." Also at the vogue, though it's another class/lab conflict. I've been looking for something that involves hard male bodies for my female readers, but the pickings are very slim. There is intimacy, from Great Britain/France (what a pretentious title for a country), which has a truckload of awards behind it and this guy has a really great... oh, shit, too late, it's over. Sorry. I guess that's it for now. I think Timothy Dalton put it best in one of his early interviews, just after he snatched the James Bond role out from under Pierce Brosnan's nose. This magazine -1 couldn't tell which one, I was in a doctor's study so the thing might easily be part of the dead sea scrolls - but the interviewer was asking Timmy boy if he'd had to, you know, buff up at all for the Bond Role. And he said something like "I once went to a gym. Horrible, disgusting experience. Sweating bodies everywhere, germs blasting all over the place. Can't possibly be healthy." I don't remember if he then took a stiff pull from his hip flask, but I feel that he should and so I'm putting it in. There's nothing healthy about exercise. I am, finally, bitterly, convinced of this. It's evil. It's a dead end. I can't say for sure what finally convinced me, but it may have started with Hockey. Or Football. I think Your name: Your e-mail address:. Your phone number:_ Your entries: probably football. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of hockey, and while I still think Wayne Gretsky's greatest achievement was quitting the game before he looked like some crippled dwarf that needed intravenous codiene and Seconal just to play two games a season. But I think that pro football left a bigger mark on me because I don't really know Mark Messier but I do know Shaun Millington, sort of - his brother tutored me in high school. Pro football stars quit early so they can get a special deal on the team wheelchair, which pretty well everybody needs after the age of about thirty. Some of these guys, at the age of Forty, walk like hermit crabs. It's grim. They can't grip with their hands anymore, from years of long passes. Sure, they have celebrity value and big empty warehouses just filled with money. They probably still get laid, although I'll bet they don't get up to anything too kinky unless it involves a zimmer frame. Ironically, even "The Magic Johnson" (check out www.nerve.com for the position of the day. Then check out the archives. Now that's what I'm talking about) looks like it demands a little too much flexibility for most retired athletes. The Barvarian Pretzel or the Richard Gere are definitely right out. HKIN Students beware. In an almost related subject, Canadian scientists decided to spend several million dollars to try and find out why the French are so damn smug. Here is what they did: first of all they got some mice, which were French mice. Then they gave the mice a special diet, consisting of Brie cheese, buttered rolls, belgian truffles in cream sauce, and other things which I cannot spell. At this point, the mice had a referendum and decided to form a separate nation. After the mice were paid off with several pork barrelling initiatives, they were also given various drinks, from 20 year old drambuie to water to red wine to labatt's blue. The mice who were drinking the fine claret, the merlot and the good port all lived for about twice as long as the mice on water, even when we stopped transfer payments to the mice on water and had them start running in the wheel again. See, I'm back on the exercise again, with the wheels and the poor damn mice who don't get to eat Brie anymore. This is all going somewhere, and I think we can both see just where. Those scientists have too damn much time on their hands. What the hell are they doing feeding pate and Brie cheese to mice? I think this goes a long way to explaining how they got into my damn basement. They sure as hell weren't looking for the WD40. But no, seriously, medical science is like fashion, except you know what to expect from fashion. They've figured it all out for sure this time almost every other week. There's a guy over in Europe who is pushing 90 now, and his heart rate is still down in the low 50's and his blood pressure is terrific and he could squeeze a good 30 years more yet. How does he do it? By never moving at all if he can help it. He doesn't work out. He doesn't eat healthy. Sometimes he doesn't eat at all. Just sits there and counts out the days. And he's getting a whole whack of 'em. I see a future craze of people going to special centres where they do jack shit all day. Nike will come out with a range of moisture wicking mu-mu's and "la-Z-boy" wear. I can hardly wait. Pass me the claret. As an aside, the film fest is also actually good for art, and it's not too late. Check out Cyberman (Oct2, vogue, 12:30), Century Hotel (Oct2, 2pm, Vancouver Centre) and Yado Yadegar - which may turn out to be an Iranian Baraka, and is likely to be packed in the wake of Set 11. There's also The Princess and the Warrior, Tom Tykwer's follow up to Run Lola Run, which might just possibly rock. For laughs, it might also be fun to check out DOA2: birds, from japan, "only Mike Takashi would make a sequel to a movie that ended with global annihilation". I just gotta know. Dead Pool The Reaper Sister Soul Nothing much new here. Mr Dres- sup (AKA Ernie Coombs), beloved to all of us who are TV addicts as children, passed away recently. No points were scored for him, Casey, or Finnegan. I've extended the date on which the dead pool entries are due, as well. Three new entries are in, yay for whoever the hell bothered to actually get them to me. Everyone else, you'd better hurry up if you want a hope in the Underworld of winning ACF or Cold Fusion tickets this year. And remember, the points don't count if you killed the person yourself. Of course, if you don't get caught... BFMVE nEW WORLDS... WSH Because when you've got T&A, who needs a cohesive plot? 1| Enterprise Wednesdays at 8 on UPN Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail to deadpool 432 @hotmail.com you know we'll be watching Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 02 OCTOBER 2001 Science Council Elections 2001-2002 Director of Finance May Tee SCIENCE: THE SPICE OF LIFE? Of course! That's why I enjoy volunteering and helping students of the finest faculty at UBC-the faculty of science. I'm running for Director of Finance and if elected, I will voice your ideas and concerns at weekly SUS meetings and ensure that they are heard and addressed. I have lots of experience working with money (I even worked at a bank last summer!), and I will work hard to fairly distribute funds to SUS clubs, committees, and events. Vote early, vote often, and vote Mav Tee as your Director of Finance!!! Eh, May Tee? Get it? Like, Louis Riel? I hate money, -ed Sameer Wahid Vote for me. I have no experience, no desire to do this job, and will probably spend the money on alcohol. So vote for me as I laugh at you from my West Van. castle. with a speech like that, he's got my votes. I hate voting. And I hate Sameer. -ed PRO Hi, My name's Tommy Gershman. I am in fourth year Microbiology and I've learned that it is best to be prepared. So I've got my trusty helmet and lifejacket just in case a big monsoon hits! Don't worry your Public Relations Officer will survive! Someone has to be around to talk to the news when the rest of UBC is swept under by the might of the Burrard! / hate drowning, -ed VP Internal Mt <&»%. Brian MacLean Hi, I'm Brian MacLean. I'm running for Vice-President Internal. I think SUS has a great team this year and I'd like to be a part of it. As VP Internal, I would have the opportunity to work on some exciting areas within SUS, including the First Year Committee (first year committee would be the highlight for me too. Mmm.. freshmeat... I mean eager brilliant frosh minds -ed) and the Guide. I have experience serving in the UBC Senate and Vice-Chairing the AMS University Commission. I look forward to working with all of SUS and I encourage everyone to come out and vote. I think there are a lot of good people running this year (Brian is the only one running so he can say that with the utmost confidence. Oh look and he's been acclaimed! -ed) and I'd really like to see a record voter turnout. / hate it when people are cheery and acclaimed, -ed First Year Rep Andrew Thamboo All fellow Science One students, it is the time of the year to choose the person who will lead the way to a prosperous year. In the previous years I have been on Student Council and other various clubs in which I represented my grade or class. I did it before and I'll do it again. (No, don't touch me there! No means NO! -ed) Vote 4 Andrew Thamboo. / hate keeners. -ed Charles Huang Feel the Urge??? Put Charles in Charge!!! Yes, votefor me, Charles Huang, as your very own Science OneRepresentative. For only one vote, you can get myservice for FREE. Yes, that's right, for FREE, (oh baby, let me use your services! -ed) I willprovide the best representation in the SUS for you.Remember... Charles in Charge. / hate quaint phrasings and slogans, -ed I"" Ju^:;i^*/\ # ALEXIS BRAUN Has something for Microbi and Immunology Uri Burstyn Hi Everyone.I would like to be your Microbiology/Immunology Department Representative to the SUS for the coming year.This will be my third year in the Microbiology Department at UBC. My active involvement in the academic and social life of our department makes me the prime candidate for the position. I have been a member of MISA for two years now; I'm on this years grad committee, and I have "supported" every MISA bzzr garden since coming to UBC. Please come out and vote Oct. 3-Oct. 5 and allow me to represent you. . / hate it when people can't even admit that they get pissed at beer gardens and will dance around that by saying things like "supported" or "patronized", -ed en KAILA for ^!trrt>£>T Rep Hello ya'll! Remember to Vote for Ken KAILA in the upcoming SUS elections! I am an active member of the Science Community and a member of the Golden Key Society and I have been known to show up on the Dean's List. Remember to vote KAILA this week! Am I allowed to hate something just because I can't read it? General Officer ^ .#:•- Alan Warkentin My name is Alan Warkentin and I am looking forward to being your GO. rep. As my picture shows, I do plenty of thinking and my inability to pick a specific science makes me the perfect representative for you all. I have been a thorn in the SUS Council's side for a year now and with your vote, I can continue to make our meetings a more exciting place! Vote Alan!! / hate thinking, -ed Matt Smith Hey guys, I'm Matt. First off, I'd like to encourage everyone to come out and vote. Secondly, I'd like to ask for your votes for me as General Officer. I have experience as a peer tutor, councilor, and as a mentor to younger students. I was also the captain of my soccer team last year. I'm fairly well rounded and I think I could bring a lot of new ideas to SUS. Thanks and hope to get your votes. / hate it when people, after a title which is their name, say what their name is in the first sentance of the very next paragraph, -ed Eugene WuRemy Winklmeier "Oh I wish I were a winklMEJER wiener, that is what I truly want to BE/for if I had a winklMElER wiener, everybody would be in love with ME!" Well, I do have a winklMEIER wiener so as the 80's style song suggests everybody should be in love with me, right? Come out and vote for Remy Winklmeier as General Officer of the Science Undergraduate Society. I'll take everyone's beef into consideration! (don't quite know what I'll do with all that beef yet but when the appropriate time comes, I'll make sure it's brought up in meetings) I hate hot dogs. They taste repulsive, -ed Theresa Liao / hate... I dunno what I hate, all right? Happy? -ed How has the first month of school been? Pretty hectic, huh? It really seems like many things in our lives are based on time. For example: What time is it? When is the first midterm? Why is summer taking so long to come? And now, ifs time for elections. My name is Juliana Lam and Pm running to bo your General Officer. I was involved with SUS last year as the First Year Rep. This year, lefs work together to build another incredible year. RemembeVt VOTE Iverytaaei I hate photos that don't print well, -ed FOR General Officer / hate having to hate something all the time, -ed 02 OCTOBER 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Nine Make a difference in your student society - be an elections irregularity! First Year Rep Vote for me. (Dan Yokom, First Year Rep) / hate baby pictures, -ed like bzzr? hate fisiks? vote for eug...(that's eugene)... hate bzzr? like fisiks? what, are you crazy? vote for me anyway! As your first year science rep, i'll listen to your wants, listen to your needs, listen to ALL your whining, walk your dog, reskue your kat, feed your fish, take out your garbage, give you an alibi, do your laundry (ewww!), make your lunch, karry you to class, get your homework (NO i won't do it for you), pick up your empty cans, clean up the puke... Find me and get candy!! / hate low quality jpegs. -ed thrsiiiieratf! Hiu-Wah Li Hi to all the first year students, we ROCK! If you want to have a truly awesome year, VOTE FOR ME! I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. If you think it's really important to have someone energetic, dedicated, and even crazy to represent you. VOTE FOR ME! If you think it doesn't matter, VOTE FOR ME! After all, your parents voted for the NDP, how much worse can you get? But seriously, vote for Li, and kick ass to start your first degree! god, I hate rhymes, -ed Annes (Hee-Yun) Song / hate low quality jpegs. Still, -ed I hate blurbs that don't even bother saying anything, -ed CSP Rep Serena Siow I don't like writing propaganda hereOr self-promotion talks all full of bull.I can't give out free condoms or free beerTo make you vote for me against your will.So why would you secure your vote with meAs your perfect rep for CSP?My leadership experience includes contribution to student government and ModelUnited Nations Club. Participation in provincial and national athletics hastaught me valuable teamwork skills. Working with seniors and with disabledchildren has taught me optimism when facing challenges. I'm passionate,dedicated, and intend to put my strengths to your service. If you give me achance to be my best, I'll give you a chance to be yours. / hate blatantly sexual voting incentives. If they aren't directed at me, that is. -ed Hedy Lam FREE FOOD! All right now that I got your attention. My name is Hedy Lam and lam a first year student running for CSP rep. Free bbq will be one of the manythings that I will help us fight for. I am very reliable and outgoing, so ifyou have anything you want feel free to approach me and I will do my best tovoice out your opinions during SUS. Those of you in the Coordinated ScienceProgram, get involved, GO VOTE and be sure to check off the box beside HEDYLAM. I hate happyness. Go figure.-ed Chris Stevens Hey, 1'ni Chris Stevens. Why vote for me for CSP representative? First, F irresponsible. I study hard, do well in school and manage my time well. SecondJ'm involved. I volunteer with kids, play in a band, work as a lifeguard andnow I want to represent you in the SUS. Third, I'm friendly, so come talk tome! What will I do for you? I could tell you, but that would be what I want todo. My job is to voice YOUR needs and make sure that you, the CSP students, areheard. So vote me for CSP! I hate reasoning that doesn't really apply to the position.-ed General Science Rep ) Drunk Dan Anderson I'm allowed 100 words here, eh? 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 goodbye, losers. / hate myself, -ed Earth and Ocean Sci ences Rep V;* Kenneth Kwok Kenneth Kwok is well experienced in the realm of student politics. He knowshow to bribe his superiors and when to keep his mouth shut. Ken alsocontributes greatly to council sessions with his "talents" which includesleeping, making funny faces at other councillors, and occasionally playingthe role of dictator/master overlord/all-supreme ruler. He is punctual andattends meetings, which is more that you can . jsay about other candidates.Vote for Kenneth Kwok or dire predictions i&&Lrf**^Jf* J lD0Ut hurricanes and other freaksof nature will ensue! / hate it when people are fun to be around, -ed ( Integrated Sciences ) Arezoo Astanehe Hi everyone !! !My name is Arezoo Astanehe and I am currently in my fourth year at UBC. lam in the integrated science program, majoring in genetics and math. Atthis coming SUS election I will be running for the Integrated ScienceDepartment Representative position. So come out and vote for me becauseas your representative I will make sure that your concerns are heard. / hate it when people triple-punctuate with exclamation points. I hate it when people misspell and use spaces incorrectly. I hate the fact that I can't (by bylaw) make modifications to these stinking blurbs. Computer Science Rep James Dai / hate it when there's only one person running for a spot and all they give me is a stinking photo. Chemistry Rep Chris Zappavigna I Icllo, my name is Chris Zappavigna and I am running for Chemistry Department representative on the Science Undergraduate Society council. As president of the Undergraduate Chemistry Society, I have a fair understanding of the chemistry department at U.B.C. More importantly, how- e\ cr, I have an excellent understanding of all students enrolled in chem- istry courses. I will provide excellent representation for the chemistry £_\ department and ensure that my voice is heard on council when necessary. / hate chemistry. Except when it makes things go 'boom'. -ed C Physics and Astronomy ) Suresh Sivanandam I am a 3rd year Physics and Astronomy student eager to be your SUS Physics and Astronomy Department representative. Having extensive experience representing students in committees, I believe I would be a worthy candidate as your representative. So vote for me, Suresh Sivanandam as your SUS Physics and Astronomy representative. I hate physics. Unless it involves things falling and then going 'boom', -ed I hate white space. Page Ten THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 02 OCTOBER 2001 _ .E N C E dectim Elections Game 2001! Rules: By yourself (if drunk) or with a partner (also if drunk) flip a coin to see who goes first. Every time it's your turn, flip to move: heads moves you two spaces forward, tails moves you one space forward. Obey whatever you land on. For extra spice, the loser has to enter five ballots with write-ins for "Beer, Kegov", "Pylon, The" or "Boetzkes, Mikey". If you're really into it, act out the squares you land on whenever possible - ie, "vote again" or "drop your pants at a poll booth". ...*» /_ Start elections irregularity: vote again, flip again! Busted for trying to double-vote. Remove the scratch next time! Go back to start. ,y 1F *&£- id Get sucker, happy. Find a copy of the Nominal Roll Spend one turn reading it, trying to find that cule girl in your Bio class' phone number Run in the elections. Lose a turn due to stupidity. # You're a ballot counter; move forward 3 spaces as you "miscount" Read The 432 to find out where the poll booths are. Can't find 'em in it. Lose 1 turn. John Hallett shows you how to "vote for real". Move forward two spaces. Poll clerk shows cleavage. You forget what you were going to do. Spend rest of turn gazing. jy^. l'A\ END! Poll Clerk is out of lollipops; you cry for one turn. I Uneventful vote. Sucks to be you. Slip a ballot- counter a flask. Go again. Get drunk, go on campus tour, forget all about elections. Skip two turns. Kill Anna O, the Elections Kommandant. Go again. Drop your pants at a poll booth. No visible result. Poll clerk asks for student ID, so you can't vote again. Lose a turn. Poll clerk won't take your "Elvis T. King" student card. Lose a turn. Steal all the lollipops from a booth. Twitch so much from sugar you accidentally votw threemore times Go again. Steal ballot box. Spend one turn looking through it, then go twice as you stuff it full! Wha?!? Where am I? tl © Voting goes normally. Go figure. ? Poll clerk asks you to watch station asshe goes to washroom. Vote and flip twice while she's gone! You forget your student IDs at home. Lose a turn. Find a copy of the Nominal Roll. Spend one turn reading it, trying to find that cute guy in your Bio class' phone number. That crack you smoked on the way to the poll booth is getting to you. Ballot miscount; flip coin. Heads, go again. Tails, skip a turn. Jay Garcia is poll clerking. Move forward 3. Elections irregularity: Write-in for Cuddles Klawe, the Cat. A K...y -^ai&a V p**.- Make YOUR votes count! 02 OCTOBER 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Eleven Confessions of a Graduate The Drawers of SUS Rachael Sundin Moistening How different my life is compared to my first year. I remember my first day, back when Imagine UBC was in its infancy, and was just some daycare for all the new students; (so, things haven't changed much, then? -ed) a social experiment that some whacked-out psych student had dreamed up in their spare time in order to see just how confused they could get the First years. And the first day of res, when I discovered all the charms that a Vanier double-room had to offer, (kinky! -ed) complete with requisite bimbo valley-girl roommate, and a cafeteria that even inmates at prison shouldn't have to frequent. In those first few days, I sat in stupified silence, looking around wide- eyed and thinking, "Five years of this. Five years, and I'll be a qualified educator, able to go about teaching, make a fair living, and live in a decent place. Five years....sounds like a prison sentence." Well, major changes have occurred since then. I've finished my undergrad, I've left the safe little nest of residence, and I'm living in the big bad city that is Kerris- dale....now when I walk home, instead of passing First years puking in the bushes after Pit night, I pass 80-year-olds out jogging with Muffy, the family dog. And I've started my degree in Primary Education. That's right, 12 short months and I will be out on the streets, with a mission to make some money. (Some people say "I want to improve the youth". At least you're realistic, -ed) I've seen this day coming for years now, I'm so close to done, but... Please don't make me go. I've been sucked in! The lifestyle, the luxury, it's got me! The nights of staying up until 4am and thinking that at least you got to bed before the sun came up, of .drinking your face off on a Wednesday night (did you know that the rest of the world considers drinking on a weeknight disfunc- tional?) of Kraft dinner feasts and days on end of eating freezer-burned bagels because you can't afford to go grocery shopping...all the beautiful highlights of my undergrad years are slipping away before my eyes. In what was eerily like a military initiation, the Dean of Education spoke to us on our first day, enunciating firmly into the microphone, his voice ringing out over the crowd: "You are no longer students, so stop behaving like it! You are TEACHERS, and you are responsible for the CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE!" NO! I screamed. It cannot be! I have 12 more months of sweet student life left, you can't rob me of that...but the security blanket of studency was stripped away, and I was rudely shoved naked and shivering into the world of post-graduate training. My classes are filled with people who are returning to "finally finish that teaching degree they've always wanted to do," and most of them are 25 and older. I positively feel like an infant at 21! Suddenly I'm surrounded by people who eat right, go to bed at 9pm, and have children - and are not in fact the victims of accidental teen pregnancy. I can see it already. Inexorably, I'm growing up. Just last week, the phrase, "Well, it's after 10pm, I'd better get to bed," passed through my lips. So I'm on a desperate campaign to maintain my student identity. If anyone would like to go out drinking, or even just stay up really late watching infomercials, please call me! Hey, I'll pay! Cuz I can't do it alone, I need help. Serious help. And remember kids....no matter what anyone tells you, take as long as you want to finish that degree. Because what's on the other side of it isn't pretty. Adulthood is a scary, scary thing. HEY, YOU! w'*- ARE YOU INTERESTED IN HELPING PLAN AND RUN EVENTS TOR SUS? JOIN THE SOCIAL COMMITEE AND GAIN LXPLRILNCE WHILE. HAVING PUN! GLT INVOLVED IN PLANNING, ADVERTISING AND THE RUNNING Or BZZR GARDENS, CONCERTS AND MORE! Contact Kat at: kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca President Reka Sztopa Hi Everyone, no doubt that you have read my past two exec reports and now know everything about my life that I never wanted to tell you. The past 3 weeks back to school have been most hectic. Kudos go out to all of the Executive, Councilors and others who have helped so much to get SUS to all the major events on campus. A special thank you to this year's exec you have already gone above and beyond anything I dreamed possible. A sad farewell to Julia, Jag and Anna who have moved on to other things and are no longer able to be executive. So why have we been so busy? What have we been up to? SUS was at Imagine, at the Main Event Carnival, at the United Way Kickoff(we won a microwave!), at the Football game on the 28th, and at Science Parent Orientation. We also put on the Science Kickoff BBQ and the Second Class Bash BZZR garden. And the lab rat, our new SUS mascot, has also made several appearance. In the next few weeks stay tuned for SUS Fall elections, the SUS survey, Octoberfest, the LabRAt naming contest, the official opening of the new SUS lounge (Klinck 202) and many more great things. Good luck as we move into midterm season! She didn't mention her tanking or her PVC, did she? -ed SoCo Kat Scotton Hello everyone! Not much news from me right now. United Way BBQ was on the 26th, we won a microwave for selling tickets.... Thunder- birds Game/Bzzr Garden was on the 28th. Hmmm... look for our up coming Oktoberfest. For those that would like to join my social committee, please email me, I need your support so I don't have to do everything myself. Senator Tim Chan I am glad that the orchestrated removal of key SUS exec has proceeded so smoothly. The president is still a willing puppet, the SoCo has agreed to put psychotropic drugs in beer garden drinks to increase susceptability to our subliminal messaging, and the External VP is brain- washing for us in guise of a lab rat. Sports Kristin Lyons Well, I don't have much to say this week but that sports rebates are due Nov. 23 at 12pm. To get your rebates as a science team, I need the receipt, a copy of the registration form, and the name, phone number and email address of the person who I am writing the receipt to. You can drop off your rebates in my box in SUS. You'll be able to pick up your rebates shortly after the rebate deadline in the SUB business office. Oh, I would also like to put it out there that someone decided to steal my purse and wallet minus everything that was in them so although you are a considerate thief, f..king give them back. Oh yeah, I guess I should say something about participating in intramural sports. Some of the sexiest people on campus are in sports, therefore by a simple mathematical equation sports=sex, enough said! Mmm, sex. Again. -lana Secretary Corrie Baldwin I finally think I've tackled the system to get the minutes completed and the agenda ready for each council meeting without setting myself weeks behind in my classes. Nothing else much to report. If you would like to bring up an issue in council and you would like to see it put in the agenda, please let me know before Tuesday at 4:32pm so we can discuss it in our exec meeting (so it can be placed in the agenda for council). So, anyway, that's my spiel for this week. Oh, and, SOCCER ROCKS! Go G.M.U.'s! External VP Michael Groves The AMS has been proactive over the last couple of weeks updating the by-laws of the society. The last update was in 1980 so they were a little archaic and reeked of an era John Travolta used to personify. For them to take effect, they will need to be passed in a referren- dum which will occur in the near future. A notable thing that the AMS couldn't decide on was what to do with a $600,000 fund. Ideas from letting it collect interest to build a new SUB in 2028 to spending it all to replace the urinals in the SUB were tossed around. Any ideas? Forward them to me, and I'll let the powers that be know. The other main issue for this upcoming refer- rendum is a new AMS fee to maintain the AMS services once the Coke deal expires. More news on all this as it unfolds. Tranklink also is going to have a $28 million shortfall this year increasing to $40 million in the coming years unless they curb their spending. They are proposing to cut 4% of their services which includes the Night Owl Service (ie. no buses will run out of downtown Vancouver after 1:40am). The AMS will lobby Translink to preserve existing UBC routes in light of this shortfall. Visit the Translink website (www.translink.bc.ca) for more details. Finally, delays in student loans will be brief according to Edulinx. If they haven't arrived already, they will soon. Guido probably won't have to break you legs for late payments to the registrar's office after all. Now, if only it were possible to quiet the voices that demand that the money be spent recklessly.... (don't quiet the voices in my head! They're my friends! -ed) D. of Pub Ben Warrington We are well into the 432 season, now, and it seems to be going fairly well. Dan and Lana have been doing a good job of editing. (Must... kill... Ben... -ed) You may notice that this issue is back up to twelve pages like it was towards the end of last year. Hopefully, we will continue to get enough quality material to continue producing twelve pagers. Keep sending those articles. It is now time to start thinking about the Paradigm, SUS's serious science publication. If you are interested in writing an article for this magazine, or if you have a co-op report or directed studies paper that you would like to submit in whole or in part, feel free to contact me at benjawar@inter- change.ubc.ca. This is your opportunity to get published as an undergraduate. I have not set a deadline or publication date, yet, but feel free to make submissions at any time. Page Twelve THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 02 OCTOBER 2Q01 Lean, Mean, Grad-Student Machine Andy Martin Sword-chuck Master Years upon years of cursing everything under the sun when I get those goddamned peices of stapled paper, with what is laughably called a 'midterm mark' on the top of the foremost paper. Staples stabbing through the paper as the number on the top stabs my heart, the red ink smeared over the paper blurred in the red of my hot rage at the same two digits and the 'Mr. Yuck' sticker next to them. And now, I'm on the other side, and thought the reasons are different, the familiar feelings are the same. Blinding rage and sorrow, all rolled into one juicy emotion-strudel, is still a bitter pie to choke down every three weeks. But this time, it's rage directed at idiotic people answering the questions that I have to mark. As a grad student, I live the life of the marker. The giver and take-away-er of GPAs, the twig that will send the river to a future of either scalpeling at the operating table, or mopping up at the porn theatre. It should be an easy job after all. The prof hands me the exam, with rough estimates of what he expects from his students that he has so carefully taught for the last thirty days. He has held them to his bosom, and suckled them on sweet knowledge (yes, that's what's called a freakin' METAPHOR you perverts!). And now, when he turns on them, he expects me to slit the throat while he keeps them from struggling. I prepared for it. I read the frosh textbook, which was actually a pleasant read when compared to the indepth stuff you have to read from year 2 onwards. I showed up in a class or two, and even gave extra office hours, a la Biol 303 before the exam. And a la Biol 303, nobody showed up. I had licence to be the bastard with the red pen. I'd make 'em pay for leaving me lonely these last couple of days. Only, it seemed I wouldn't need the inspiration. It was to be a relatively painless process. First year biology class. Only a month of classes to cover. 20 questions. I set up my brand-spankin' used laptop, freshly purchased from the local pawn shop, on the desk beside me, put my Spinal Tap DVD on, and started on my escapade into unmarked grad student territory. A little side story. I realized the true danger of buying a computer used from the pawn shop, besides the usual moral degre- dation associated with such an act (according to regression estimates, it was the next level I had to sink to anyways). It's not the qualm that it could be stolen, broken, infected or merely a peice of crap. No my friends, the true danger lies in the fact that the former owners might not have deleted their homemade pornography from the desktop display. AHHHH! It's burned into my eyes! Get me a priest! NOW! But anyways, to the bruising bass riff of Tap's 'Big Bottom', and the repressed memories it brought back from 3 dark, dark days ago when I initially booted the computer up, I started to mark the first few questions. And I instantly found indisputable support for my highly contriver- sial Frosh-Are-Stupid Theory. Check out the hew *■ ^j^ Holy Crap! So freaking STUPID! There is a obvious wide variety of frosh quality. For each paragraph question, I could get anything from a textbook-quality explanation of Mitosis, to a poem about it, beliving that we just asked for their feelings of the horrible 'Anaphase' tragedy of 1946. Some answers were just wrong, some were one-word answers for a 5-mark paragraph question, some were meandering tales of everything relating to the subject, except what was actually being asked in the question being 'answered'. It was obvious that these kids still thought they were in high school. Remeber High School? Never having to open the textbook? Taking the entire weekend off to go party and still getting an A? If you watched the Discovery Channel, you would know more than the teacher?...well, neither do I. The brain cells holding the past memories were the first thing to go when I turned 'social drinking' into a much more intimite relationship. Soon enough, I had to start giving out token marks for wrong answers, based on the fact that 90% of the class thought Active Transport meant running a protein up a hill. There's a thousand tales of horribly stupid/funny, Froshes-Say-The-Darnd- est-Things kind of answers. But, on the l:zillion chance that someone'U send this back East to my boss, I might show an iota of restraint and entertain you by swearing a lot instead. Twenty-five hours of marking, and a shot weekend later, my hands were covered in red marking ink. The stains just wouldn't come out! Out! Out damn spot! And the w final mark...let's just say that held my office hours that week in my closet, clutching a textbook and a shotgun. But sometimes we T.A.s just have no choice. You didn't know it, and you got it all wrong. Exams aren't hard, you just have to burn a thousand facts into your brain, and be able to recite them, word for word, when the time comes. I still remember getting my first undergrad test back. Man I aced that sucka...'ace' being a synonym for 1, and 'that sucka' being a synonym for 'out of 10'. A scum- scraping mark for a test you worked a week on doesn't exactly endear University to you. I needed a moment, and found it quickly. I learned to use my fake ID that year, yessiree! And the more drinking I did, the better my marks got. Now I mark the tests, baby! Grad school is a kick. Classes don't start 'till 4pm! You get to actually insult the prof back when he insults you! You get your own desk that's cluttered with work stuff instead of rez crap! Legal copies of keys to campus buildings! When you're invited drinking on Friday night you go, not because you don't think it'll hurt your marks, but because you know it'll help because your prof is the one inviting you! And: Bribes! Bribes! Bribes! are just some of the thousand pleasures of life not afforded to undergrads. C'mon, it's just another 2-14 years of your life. C'mon and join the party, all the cool people are doing it. Join us. Join us...forev- er! Mmmm....brains. Bastard! that's my line! -ed We've got some bright new digs over at Klinck 202; we've got a sunny lounge with comfy couches, a quiet study area, and (coming soon) high-speed internet access. We've still got some of the cheapest pop on campus, and access to free phones and a student-use microwave. Come and find us; we're just two floors above Computing Services, and right next to the big lecture halls in Klinck. Check upcoming issues of the 432 for a list of your elected councilmembers, contact info and office hours!