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The 432 Sep 30, 2003

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30 September 2003
'arty - adj: showily imitative of art or artists/
- www.dictionarY.com
Geese Mercilessly
Pound Bush
First Lady "unfamiliar" with Bush pounding; Dubya cites poor border control
(Washington DC, AP)
In an unprovoked attack Thursday, a
flock of geese flying low to avoid radar
dropped payload after payload of low-
impact projectiles onto US President G.W.
Bush as he spoke in a press conference. His
immediate response was "Shit! What the
hell is ongoing here?" Subsequent swearing and splattering were captured on video
as the surrounding film crews took advantage of the situation. "This is worse than
my third grade Hooked on Phonics lesson," he was heard muttering.
Later last week, the president's office had
this to say: "We do not believe the attack
was warranted, nor that it was in retaliation for our recent change in [goose monitoring and hunting] policy. We will continue to allow good old American goose hunting four months out of the year, and no
amount of cowardly terrorist hit-and-run
droppings bombing will deter us."
As of yet, no suspects have been named,
and the CIA and FBI are staying tight-
"We don't want to say whether or not we
have any information on the group responsible," CIA spokesperson Mike Gagger
said, "but we do have several leads and the
public has nothing to fear at all. We do, I
repeat we do have control over our skies."
The rumour mills have seething with stories of where the geese came from and
what their purpose was. Some believe they
were a radical faction, urbanized geese
that, pulled out of their natural habitat and
forced into an American lifestyle, realized
that their belief system wasn't compatible
and went back to nature, leaving a political
message in their wake. Others believe it is
a more serious cultural difference - that the
geese were only the forerunners of an
onslaught. These pessimists have been
forecasting a full scale invasion from the
North, expecting Canadian geese to join
their brethren in a massive wave of bombings as they descend under cover of winter.
Canadian Geese, being under the Environmental Protection Act of Canada, have
been known to proliferate at an unparalleled rate, with dense layers of droppings,
known to children as "slip and slides" all
over national parks in Canada being a
i love you mommy
good indicator.
Despite this, Canadian Geese are still
looked upon as one of the national symbols
of Canada, an icon of undying patriotism.
Recent rumours have it that Prime Minister J. Chretien has approved a new "Canadian Goose Patriotism Act" along with a
hefty budget for Canada (over $1000CDN).
JC's office was unavailable for comment.
When asked about recent events down in
the states, Canadian officials appeared
nonplussed, stating that "we're confident
that our good neighbours(sic) to the South
will judge us on an individual basis rather
than as a collective. We are each and every
one different, yet we all contribute to the
cultural mosaic that..." at which point our
reporter drifted off from the communist,
all-religions-and-races-are-equal drivel.
A Pentagon memo leaked yesterday confirmed that there is ongoing surveillance of
suspected Canadians. Suspicious activities
such as people registering for flight lessons
or bird breeding classes are being carefully
monitored, and US Customs has been told
to watch for excessive politeness and the
use of 'Y as a vowel.
eric tong 2003
Turnips, uh,
Trips, uh,
over Cafeteria
(Vancouver, Reuters)
After dining for more than a month
at the Totem cafeteria, first year
student Todd W. Birkins has at last
come to accept the realities of campus Meal
Plan dining. Leaving behind his high
school and its sub-par lunch menus while
looking forward to his stay at Totem Park,
Birkins originally had high hopes for the
university's cuisine. Even the photos of
supposedly discoloured food to be served
that was presented in the various
brochures promoting campus housing did
little to diminish his original expectations.
However, those expectations were soon
shattered after Birkins formally begun his
stay at Totem Park, although he admits to
have harbored doubts even before then. "I
first got suspicious after seeing those same
photos online, when I was checking out the
UBC homepage," said Birkins, while chow-
ing down on a plate of amorphous yellow
blobs and frozen white sticks, "I mean, I
can understand the pictures looking that
way on a really old brochure, but photos
stored on computers wouldn't fade like
that." By exposing himself to small doses
over a period of weeks, Birkins says he has
finally built up a tolerance for the food he
acquires through his Meal Plan. However,
he hints at the fact that not all the students
on his floor have been so lucky. "Poor
Alex," he muttered at one point, looking
visibly choked, "that kid never did have
the stomach for this."
The university has been slow to respond
to this and similar student accounts. UBC
Food Services director Andrew Parr
defended the current operation of residential dining facilities, calling concerns over
the inadequate quality of cafeteria services
as unfounded. "The expectations from
younger students... is much higher than in
the past," he went on to say, adding that
latest figures collected by UBC Housing
shows incidents of monthly food poisoning and cannibalism related student deaths
are much lower compared to previous
years. "[This year], the [quality of] food as
well is much greater," concluded Parr:
"Ever since we started buying everything
from Pedro, paid in cash, it's been good."
Elections: Page 6
SUS Updates: Page 10
Exec Reports: Page 11
Oktoberfest Page 12
Endless Fun: Cover to Cover Page Two
30 September 2003
Volume Seventeen
Issue Zwei
30 September 2003
Lana Rupp
Dan Anderson
Assistant Editors
Julie Nguyen
Jay Garcia
Eric Tong
Jo Krack
Dan Anderson
Jordana Laporte
Howard Choy
Andy Martin
Stephen Naphegyi
Jon Woodward
Cecilia ?
Courtney Gee
Alan Warkentin
Lana Rupp
Kristin Lyons
Serena Siow
Ken Eng
Dan Yokom
Mariko Welch
Chris Zappavigna
Patricia Lau
'Brian MacLean'
Anna-Marie Bueno
Those Wacky Elections Candidates
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information 'n Stuff
The 432 is produced by a team of
genetically engineered and highly
trained monkeys in the Science
Undergrad Lair in the Top Secret
L.S. Klinck building. All views
expressed in this issue are strictly
those of the individual writers, and
as such are not the responsibility of
fhe 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are
encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Submissions must
meet the requirements of making
the editor chuckle at least thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
We would like to encourage reader
feedback. And remember: If you
haven't got anything nice to say,
we've probably heard it all before.
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
Please? I'm ever so lonely...
Lana's Editorial
Lana Rupp
0 this is what it feels like to be editor.
1 honestly didn't think my ass would
hurt so much...
From the chairs! Don't give me that look.
Seriously, screw off.
That's pretty much what I've been telling
everybody this week. My boss wasn't so
impressed and neither were those girl
guides, but honestly, I'm just not in the
mood, even if you do have cookies.
This week has been one of those odd ones.
Well maybe not for you, but I'm betting
none of you were startled by a stranger of
the opposite sex retrieving his hair gel
from your freezer first thing in the morning. No, there isn't an explanation for that,
or if there is, I haven't gotten one yet.
Maybe it's just me though. At one point
this week I was convinced that some sort of
rift had occurred in the space time continuum. My palm pilot was displaying both
of my Tuesday meetings separately and
without conflict. Normally, this discovery
would be like a delightful shot of benadryl
into my histamine ravaged body, but this
time I was convinced that the palm was in
error and the conflict that I had believed in
and dreaded for two weeks had to exist.
But yeah, after some careful investigation,
I discovered that 4:30 does indeed come
before 6pm and not 30 minutes after. Later
that day I was also shocked to discover that
my coffee was not so much inexplicably
salty in flavour. Now, if only someone
could explain to me how Sodium Chloride
got into the giant box labeled boldly 'salt.'
These discoveries and a host of others
(equally embarrassing tales - like the time I
took 20 minutes to successfully toast a slice
of bread), have somewhat shaken my usual
confidence level. Don't get me wrong, I still
think I'm the greatest thing since pet rocks-
it's just that I'm just suffering from a little
low self esteem and intense dehydration.
Beyond that several other symptoms of
editor-dom have befallen me.
a) I have become exceptionally bitter and
b) I haven't showered in errr.. well I'm not
sure, but I think I remember what showering was like back in the day. Tell me running water still exists!
c) I've started carrying a large bottle of
Vodka in my backpack and squirreling
away liquor accessories in the SUS offices.
d) My neglected school work is now displayed across my residence desk as a guilt
tactic. But that's ok. I haven't been home
in a couple of days.
But hey, it's all for a good cause right? I'm
living the dream. I'm going to get fame
and recognition and sexual favors from
subservient yet attractive members of my
gender of preference. I'm going to be held
in the highest esteem amongst my peers
(well as soon as I shower that is). I'm going
to be big, a hit, a star! Right?
I mean, I remember what's his name., the
dude who edited last year. I think he had
brown or blonde hair. Seemed fairly cool.
Don't see him much anymore. Then there
was Who'sit from my first year. He seemed
awfully bitter. I guess it was a personal
problem or something. Maybe his dog
died or his mom left him?  Ah who cares
The point is, often no one does. So here is
your mission, brave literate disciples! Go
out and hug and editor. You see that wacky
Dan Anderson around, don't be afraid to
approach him. Sure the wild eyes and
untamed facial hair may give you the
impression that he's a crazed lunatic (well
also talking to him will give you that
impression), but don't be timid. Give him a
pat on the back or a quick platonic hug (or
non-platonic... your choice really). Same
goes for ass. eds and editor and editrix
alumni of our fair paper (Jay Garcia, Ben
Warrington, Bree Baxter to name a few).
And if you really want to show some
appreciation and aren't terrified of arts-
land, the Sauder SoB's, or geerville, I
encourage you to wade into the vast wastelands known as Buchanan and the Cheeze
and soon the brand new IFPO and cop a
quick feel of those editorial demi-deities.
Actual T-shirt not quite as shown.
Colors may actually be present.
Classic T-shirts and Baseball T's may also come into existence.
The 432 needs YOU!
Writers, well-wishers, Editors-in-training and
followers are cordially invited to join us in Klinck
202 at 4:32pm, October 14, in the 2003rdyear of
our Lord. __________________ ^afe^
After our writer's meeting we will proceed to the
new home of The 432 in the Interfaculty Publishing
Office for BEvERages and good cheer! 30 September 2003
Page Three
Combine, form of...
Jordana Laporte
Self Imprisoned
Two years ago when I was in first year
I created a club, constructively
named "Jordana's Cycling Club for a
Better World." Of course this was an exclusive club, as I was the only member. Since
those glory days of first year (single tear)
the club has been on many adventures, so
many in fact, that our team mascot, which
happens to be my lame-ass 9 year old bike,
has experienced some technical difficulties. Apparently, after nine years of bearing
my abuse and maltreatment my bike has
decided to break its spokes, crack its tires,
warp its rims and lose the function of its
brakes. The brakes thing has never been a
problem; I don't think my bike ever had
great brakes to begin with. The back one
works conditionally, and the front one
retired in the late 90's. I say my back brake
works conditionally because upon any
kind of precipitation it takes a day off,
while on clear days making a high-pitched
squeaking noise somewhere between the
frequency of nails on a chalkboard and that
sound kids make when they don't get what
they want. Yes, I know, it's quite a pleasant
sound and greatly appreciated by the people walking around me. Anyway, to the
point, my bike's dead, my wallet's empty,
and I need a new pastime.
With Clubs Days in September I thought I
might be able to join another club, perhaps
one with two or even more members! But
there is so much I want to do and so little
time. Who has time to attend all the club
meetings, go to events and learn new
things with a rigorous science schedule?
Honestly, who? So, I think that to accommodate those of us who seek new experiences but have a packed schedule certain
clubs should amalgamate. Wouldn't it be
easier to participate in two of your
favourite club choices simultaneously?
Need I ask? Luckily, I found some obvious
choices for club combinations.
First, let me ask you, what's the worst
thing about chess? Is it that it takes so
damn long to get through a game, so most
beginners like myself lose interest? Yes. So
a sound solution would be to speed up the
moves a bit. Why not throw in the Fencing
Club for a good time. I bet they'd get
checkmates a lot quicker with a sword
spearing them in the ribs.
I'm a golfer, so the Golf Club is always an
interest for me. But to most people golf is
dull. It needs to be spiced up a bit. Three
words: Wine Tasting Club. Everyone golfs
better when a little tipsy anyway!
The Aqua Improv Society. I mean, while
they're underwater why not put on a
show? Improv's already hilarious, so the
laughs would go through the roof with
those dumb-looking suits on. Plus, there's
the added bonus of impressing the sharks.
We need them on our side.
Why should the Walking Robot Club limit
their robots to just walking? It would be
much more practical to watch them do
Kung Fu at the same time. Then someday
the robots could teach us how to do Kung
Fu, before they take over the world. At
least we'll have some kind of a defence
against their hostile attack on mankind.
"Where are you headed little Billy?" "I'm
going to debate the use of Alberta beef in
UBC cafeterias." "Sounds fun, but don't
forget your paddle." Come on people, the
Table Tennis Debate Team, do I have to
spell it out? It makes sense to put two of
the most determined, passionate and stubborn clubs together. Admit it.
And finally, the Ambassadors for Jesus
pre-Medical Society. Jesus healed people,
Med students want to learn how. Enough
Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?
I wonder - will I get some kind of an award
for my revolutionary thinking? There are
more combinations out there, so don't hesitate to ask your club reps for an amalgamation. Save time, but never at the expense
of entertainment.
The Giant Rat wants you..
TO VOTE in the
$ ui ciccTion;
Howard Choy
Self Imprisoned
I have never been one to do good deeds,
simply because I am a bad person, but
sometimes the little angel on my shoulder just won't shut up so I'll do what it says
for the sake of peace and quiet.
I was standing at the bus stop on Main
and Terminal when this little girl came up
to me and said, "Hey mister, have you seen
my sheep?"
I stared at her for a second. She was wearing a bonnet. It was the middle of September, we were in the city, and this little girl
wearing a bonnet was asking where her
sheep were. I was scared she might start
crying, or start beating on me with her staff
thing if I ignored her, so I answered. "No, I
"Are you sure? I mean, I saw them standing here just a second ago..."
"I was standing here a second ago. I have
been standing here for about five minutes
now, there haven't been any sheep alright?
Now go look over there or something,
you're freakin' me out."
I felt a little bad for mouthing off a little
seven-year-old girl wearing a bonnet in the
middle of the city, but seriously now, can
you blame me? What made it worse was
that she started crying. This was when the
little angel dork appeared on my shoulder.
It had on a sarong-like gown with little
halos on it. He was holding a harp in one
hand, and giving me the finger with the
other. His name is Tom.
"Thou art an asshole" said Tom.
Almost immediately after this was said,
my buddy Fred showed up on my left
shoulder. He was naked except for a sock
strategically placed on... his left hand. He
had a cigar in his mouth, as usual, but as
usual it wasn't lit. He was holding a pitchfork in his right hand and scratching his
nether regions with it. Fred doesn't talk
much, he just sort of shakes his head and
it's usually enough for me.
Fred shook his head.
Tom gets really frustrated when Fred
shows up because it doesn't take much for
me to make up my mind in his favour, but
this time Tom seemed pretty pissed off. He
started spewing off all this medieval jargon
that only old people would understand
and Fred just shrugged and disappeared in
a puff of smoke.
"Dammit Fred, come back!... Fine! I'll look
for the stupid sheep you crazy asshole!"
I looked down on the little crying girl and
she looked up at me all teary-eyed and
said, "My sheep have left me, I'm a bad Bo-
"Yeah yeah whatever, let's go find the little
And with that, we were off on a journey to
find this girl's imaginary sheep. We looked
high and low and left and right and North
and South and then we ended up in an
alley. She still had tears in her eyes and the
rain had made her bonnet and puffy dress
all dirty. She bent over in front of me to
check under the garbage can (which I
thought was absurd, but didn't dare say
anything), she was about to fall over so I
grabbed onto the back of her dress to keep
her from going headfirst into the wall
when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned
around just in time to see a police officer
take out a baton and take a swing at my
face. My head snapped around and I lost
my balance and fell on the little girl. This
seemed to really piss off the police officer
so he pulled out his gun, pointed it at me
and shouted, "Hands off the girl, dirtbag!"
I stared in disbelief for a second, and then
I understood. I started chuckling and said,
"Oh no officer, there's been a misunderstanding, I'm just looking for her sheep."
Fred showed up again, and shook his
head like a disappointed parent. Tom
showed up as well, with a guilty look on
his face. I started shouting, "Tom, dude, tell
this guy I'm innocent!"
That was when I was arrested. I never
found out what happened to the little girl,
but if I see her again, I will most definately
kick her ass.
When the little angel on my shoulder tells me
to do something, I do it - but it's because otherwise it ends up leaving a 'present' that takes
forever to wash up.
Vote Online at the Student Service Center! Page Four
30 September 2003
Tips for Staying Healthy this Year
Stephen Naphegyi
Peeping Tom
Well, it appears that another year of
school has begun here at UBC. I've been
waiting out the first few weeks in hope of
somebody discovering an error and sending us all back on summer vacation, like a
van full of professors with megaphones
driving by and yelling "Go home you keeners! We don't want to go back yet either!",
but I don't think it's coming (how would
you fit all the profs in one van? - engineers... ideas?). Anyhow, Lana has discovered me hiding away, and accosted me
during one of my labs, holding a large poking apparatus and saying "write for me or
die, peon". So, I decided that the former
was probably a little less uncomfortable
than being poked to death in Biosciences
(stuffy, damp buildings and dead bodies
don't really go hand in hand, and I wouldn't want to be remembered for my posthumous stench).
(Actually Stephen accosted me in my lab and
his girlfriend followed me around all yesterday.
I'm thinking of getting a restraining order, -ed)
Later, I saw an interesting patch on a student's backpack (obviously in Arts, as if
Science students have time for such home-
making activities), it said "Save water,
Don't wash" and had a picture of a tap on
it. This got me to thinking: could this person actually believe their own accessory?
Or, moreover, are there people out there
who really do not wash their hands properly? The answer of course being yes (not
about the student's opinion, the washing
thing, dork). I have always been aware of
men's poor reputation in that department,
but I had no idea just how bad it was until
I began to pay attention.
So, being the scientist that I am, I went to
three different buildings, and counted ten
guy's actions in each building, after their
going to the washroom. The results were
very chilling, in the SUB, Woodward, and
Buchanan, the ratio held at 8 of 10 guys
neglecting sanitation (including one particularly nasty guy who ran his fingers
through his hair, and then proceeded to
pick at his teeth with his unwashed finger).
Then I began to ponder.... How is it that
people could consciously choose to not
wash their hands after going to the washroom? Are they aware of what exactly they
are doing? Then, as if in a dream, my mission dawned on me: tell them. So here I am
with Stephen's:
Tips for staying healthy this year
Well, it's not so much "tips" as one tip, and
it's more of a description of what people
are doing wrong. Still, I'm being positive,
so you can sod off if you don't approve of
my titling (or better yet, you can write an
article and make your own rules....kinda).
Now, for the crux of this article, the ultimate message behind all this is: WASH
YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!! If you go to
the washroom, and don't wash your hands,
you are spreading you own urine (or
worse) everywhere. Although you may
think "I didn't pee on my hands", fact is
that it sprays when you flush a toilet, as
well when liquid hits liquid or solid, there
is backsplash (you may be aware of this if
you've ever stood too close to your sister
while unexpectedly soaking her with a
water gun - love that wide-eyed-cold-and-
surprised look). Am I the only one disgusted by this? Ever come out of the washroom
and go get a bite to eat? You are eating
your own urine.
(Urine, while unappetizing is completely sterile, -ed)
If you have ever thought "I should probably wash my hands before eating" after
you leave a lab, you've done a whole lot
worse before (not that you should stop
washing your hands after leaving the lab,
mmmmmm toluene). Maybe it's me, but
eating something I've just expelled from
my body doesn't sound too appealing.
Now, for the ladies out there, you may be
thinking "I'm a girl, this doesn't apply to
us". Well, it just so happens that I sent my
girlfriend into the washroom to aid me in
my research. Guess what? You girls are just
as guilty, and gross, as the men are (never
thought I'd be able to say that). Sugar and
spice my ass. I'm sure that some of you are
also thinking "what is he talking about? I
always wash my hands, so does everyone
else I see". So let me clear up some misconceptions about hand-washing. Running
your hands under water does not constitute washing your hands. Dipping your
fingertips under water, believe it or not,
doesn't constitute washing your hands.
And leaving the washroom doing nothing,
and telling people that you washed your
hands, is wrong for so many reasons.
So, here's how it works, since you all seem
to be in need of a remedial class:
1) Turn on tap
2) Run hands under the water
3) Get soap in hands
4) Rub hands together
5) Rinse
6) Dry*
* People tend to assume that you washed
your hands (although it appears now that
they are wrong), and this can throw them
off if not done properly. So there you go,
six easy steps to staying healthy this year.
Vote in the SUS elections and we promise we'll stop calling your house.
Because Rants are Fun
Ching Ling Dong
Identity Crisis
Like the actual population of Asians on
campus, these Asian "societies" are starting
to scare me with the sheer number in existence. And they're aggresive too. No student with any recognizable Chinese definition is safe out in the open. Even then,
escape is not guaranteed. Once I was wearing this black sweatshirt with the hood
pulled over my head and I swear to god
they could smell the rice in my blood.
Walking between classes I ran into more of
their recruitment booths than there is ass in
a hip hop video. They don't accept polite
nods, mumbles of decline, or even the
awkward attempt to glance away and keep
walking. Oh no, you can't just pretend you
didn't hear their honey sweet voices laced
with promises of adorable, Korean-imported stationary, because who can resist a fat,
constipated rabbit with a plunger adorning
your pencil case? Even as I plowed
through the crowds to avoid eye contact
they could smell my fear, and I watched,
horrified, at the sad display of a girl desperately crashing into people in a futile
effort to escape the barage of stuffed Sanrio
characters raining down like bombs of
plush incentative. I ask my Chinese brothers and sisters, is it really necessary to have
so many clubs to satisfy every Asian
stereotype? Or maybe I should just go and
catch Sars. And then trip on a coupon for
30 cents off bubble tea and die.
I don't know what you're complaining
about... I've always wanted to be a part of 18
different Chinese student societies... but alas,
not one has ever wanted me. *Sniff*
Courtney Gee
Me Asian?
I seriously didn't know Vancouver had so
many Asians, but I suppose that's because
I went to high school in North Delta and
never saw any. I always thought I was the
only one. What happened to the days of
people wondering why my eyes are so
small? (They're brown, too. "Did you
know that people with brown eyes are full
of shit?" some blue-eyed girl once told me.
I remember thinking that she was just stupid, but now I'm not so sure.) I miss being
unique. Ah, to be recognized due to the
simple fact that I was Asian. I remember
doing a class activity in elementary school
where we all brought in baby pictures and
had to guess which picture matched up
with which student. I was the only Asian
kid in the class so it was awesome. At the
end of the day some of the kids were crying because no one could guess whom they
matched with, and I remember thinking it
was really funny.
Do all Asians really look the same? I think
they do because I have a hard time distinguishing between some of them (although
the fact that I can't tell the difference doesn't say much). Slightly depressing. I used
to be the kid with the small eyes! The kid
with the straight black hair (it's actually
brown but everyone was too stupid to realize that) and the cute bangs! Now I'm just
some random Asian girl in the big crowd
of other Asians who look identical. How
can I make myself different? I've thought
about changing my hair or something, but
that probably wouldn't help. Maybe the
answer is to shave it all off. Bet you'd
remember me if I were bald. I dunno
though ... I kind of like my hair ... it's so ...
straight ...
One thing I've been wondering though.
Club days have been going on in the SUB
and there are masses of Asian clubs (the
difference between them? You're asking
the wrong Asian girl). I've seen members
of these groups approach people and ask
them to join their club (for one low fee!).
How do these people decide whom to convince to join them? I don't know, but I've
never been asked to join any Asian club.
Why not? Am I not Asian enough for these
people? I have small eyes and straight hair,
why don't you ask me to join your club? I'll
take a free Hello Kitty figurine to hang on
my doorknob! Just because I'm not culturally Asian doesn't mean I should be
excluded from such activities. Yeah I don't
speak any Chinese or know anything
about Chinese history. And I'm not good at
math or computers or physics... Heck, I
only recently found out I'm the year of the
oxen in Chinese astrology. Or maybe I'm
the rat. Let me go check.
I have to admit that it's been a strange
transition, but that doesn't mean it's been
bad. In fact, after being around them for
the first few weeks of school, I've decided
that Asians are cool. You can't help but like
them! They have good taste in food and
can help me with my math homework. In
fact, I think I'll work at becoming a little
more Asian because it occurred to me that
I should know something about my culture. Here I go: I am Canasian and damn
proud of it! (Okay, that was really lame.
You have permission to shoot me.)
Now, some reasons you may consider taking these quick, easy steps. Firstly, gentlemen, don't think for a second that your
beloved lady-friend is going to stick
around if she finds out you willingly have
piss on your hands, and have been holding
hers. Secondly, gentlemen, don't think she
won't tell all of her friends, and they won't
tell their friends, thus destroying your
chances completely of acquiring a new
lady-friend when she dumps your slovenly ass. Thirdly, for those of you I studied
whilst in Woodward, you're all med students, you of all people should be washing
your goddamn hands! You have even less
of an excuse than everyone else! Lastly,
ladies, you will all lose your title of "rulers
of men", since the men will realize that
you're just as nasty as them, and they will
revolt bloodily en masse, in a fit of beer
induced hysteria unbeknownst to any
Finally, to clear something up, I am NOT
one of those prissy little, Michael-Jackson-
weirdoes who carries around disinfectant
and is deathly afraid of germs. I just feel
that it should be my choice as to whether
or not I choose to ingest the fecal matter of
others when I am buying food, or whether
or not I want pee all over my hands when I
use the computers at the library. So, in conclusion, wash your fucking hands or I will
come down there, drag you to Biosciences,
and poke you to death with dissecting needles. Have a good year.
To report those in need of a good needle
poking, just email me at snaphegyi@hot-
Burning bags of excrement and urine filled
ziploc baggies can be left in Stephen's Lab
People stare at my underwear!
I love furries, and I love balls!
I propogate Asian stereotypes! 30 September 2003
Page Five
Lizzie's McGuires
John Woodward
Duff Seeker
"I have lost a bet. That's why I'm here."
Beneath the dimpled, fridge-sized close-up poster of
tween sensation Hilary Duff, there is just a barely consistent front of patience and restraint on the cashier's face,
and, hoping this is the last thing I say, she answers.
"It's ten minutes before the The Lizzie McGuire Movie
starts. Right now, you are the only one with a ticket."
"And you don"t think that's the least bit creepy?"
She looks down. "Um. No. Please move on."
I do. I made a bet on a Canucks game with my friends
Tim and Camille, with the exact bond yet to be specified -
a terrible mistake. Those two have a mean streak, and a
meaner sense of humour. My discomfort would, really, no
trouble, be their pleasure. I get the sense from them that
they would enjoy watching homeless people fight.
"We should make him do something." enjoined Camille.
"The punishment," (because all of a sudden it had become
a punishment), said Tim, "is to watch The Lizzie McGuire
"Yes," agreed Camille, "with no friends. Alone. In a
Like the types that are sure to be there, the shifty ones
who must be the target of Disney's immense tween movie
PR machine, churning out pictures of tumescent bulges
and salacious gyrations designed to attract those more
interested in Lizzie's McGuires, or getting a taste of
Hilary's Duff. If it seems wrong, it is, but innocence
entices: remember, this is a girl who has barely flirted with
sexuality in her public image, unlike Britney Spears, who
let it crawl up her kilt. They will follow the plot, be
entranced by her girlish bravado, think about which internet search engine will loot the most McGuire porn, and at
the end, overcome with sexually charged emotion, I'm
worried that one of them will stand up and flash the
"And you have to get up once during the movie and flash
the screen," finishes Camille. With visions of prepubescent
girls fleeing at my approach, they cackle. I decide that I'll
look the part, but I won't be creepy. I'll make fun of them.
I will subvert Tim and Camille's plans. I will amiably converse with children and the parents they drag, and will
approach the shifty men with a tape recorder and a milk
carton, asking, "Have you seen this girl?"
Except the theatre is barren. There is not one person here.
I numbly sink into my seat as the usual run of Disney previews of body-switching comedies parade across the
screen, and in shock I do not move as a movie I know I will
hate begins.
A synopsis: Lizzie, on her (junior) high school graduation,
travels with her class to Rome in an attempt to flee the
memories of clumsily messing up her graduation, the cool
girl who labeled her an "outfit repeater", and her scheming
brother, who has amassed a collection of embarrassing
Duff footage that any trench coat-clad pederast would give
his leg for. For some quirky colour, McGuire's inner
anguish is revealed by a cartoon version of McGuire that,
unlike the actress herself, is suspiciously lacking in secondary sexual characteristics. Once in Rome, her astonishing resemblance to Italian pop star Isabella is discovered
by Italian heartthrob Paulo, who himself bears an astonishing resemblance to Perfect Strangers' Balki Bartoko-
mous. Romance develops (which is okay, because the
movie goes to great lengths to show he's only 17; we're not
Britney here) until the appearance of the real, and very
jealous Isabella, also played by Duff. The music the pop
duo sings is uplifting pop and not, as described by
McGuire's friend, "dark, broody, deep pit of loneliness
stuff, like Alanis Morissette."
I thought that I would hate it. But something happened. I
was touched. The way only a 15-year-old girl can touch.
Forget the clothes. Forget the schmaltzy innocence. Forget
the scenes where lascivious dogs unravel the ravishing Ms
Duff's dress, and focus on Lizzie herself. This movie is
truly a coming-of-age film. What girls want from trips to
Rome is independence and experience, adventures that
can be had, and friendships that grow stronger. Paulo, his
sultry near-kisses and dialogue near misses ("Yesterday
my life was duller/ Now everything is technicolour" a
Balki-ism, to be sure) are only distractions, a foil for the
growth of the lovely McGuire from a girl to" well, a girl.
This isn't Britney.
And the subplots where McGuire and her best friend
Adam Lambing share just one kiss under the fireworks in
Rome (oh, come on, you knew it was going to happen),
where the cool boy is suddenly attracted to the cool girl
because over spaghetti she admitted she had insecurities,
and where Miss Ungermeyer, their domineering future
principal with a voice like latex, eventually ends up under
Paulo's former bodyguard Sergei? While I would have,
should have retched at the way these loose ends were
snipped, they are now pure serendipity, and I wouldn't
have it any other way. Something happens and I find this
tween star undergoes a sparkling transformation. She
becomes charming, and across from Lambing's cute, awkward pompadour she effuses a percolating mix of girlish
bravado and sensitivity. I want to sail from her ski-jump
nose to nestle in her inviting dimples. I want more posters
of her than could cover a thousand movie theatres, more
footage of Hilary Duff than her scheming younger brother. I will start with the internet. Oh, the internet. I stand in
applause at the end, and my trenchcoat falls open at my
"Checked the theatre yet?" asks one theatre employee to
another after the show.
"No need," he replies, "There was only one man there,"
and, snickering, they point to me. I am oblivious. I come
out beaming positively glowing with the magic dust of
the fairytale story's fairytale ending. "She was great," I
exclaim to them, "she was charming, she effused a percolating mix" what I mean is, do you know when her TV
show is, or what upcoming movies she'll be in, or where I
can find pictures of her, like what internet search engine to
The employees study me for a moment, and take one step
back. "Nice trenchcoat, buddy," one says, and edges away.
Video Maim Review
Dan Anderson
This is the first, and probably only installment of the 432's guide to videogames.
The first because we couldn't find anything as exciting as Womb Raider before, and
the only because if the women's support office
hears about this we probably won't be publishing anymore.
You start the game as Lara Cleft, a gorgeous
brunette with a passion for guns, whips, and
the fruit of other people's loins. She fights her
sworn enemies, the Pro-Choice hordes, with
her trademark double handguns, double
coathangers, and double-D knockout breasts.
Literally. Most games give you a standard axe
or knife once you run out of ammo, but when
Lara runs out of bombs, bullets and hangers,
she uses her breasts as an extraordinarily effective melee weapon, often dispatching several
enemies in quick succession a la Houston 500.
The game is pretty linear; you can't progress
to the next stage until you've finished the one
you're on, although there are detours and extra
areas that you can go into for advanced
weapons and powerups, if you survive. The
bonus levels in particular are well designed;
the bowling for babies stage with it's realistic
baby-head three-hole balls (it's ten-pin) is a
good game in it's own right, and there's a hidden eight-bit style side scroller in the Jungle
level where you have to jump on gorillas and
collect coins and baby gorilla scalps.
Graphically, the game is stunning. Lara is very
well rendered, and the skeletal models have
clearly been thought out, from hipbone swaying to head bobbing to baby kicking all
accounted for. The game plays suprisingly
smoothly; the game developers clearly knew
what they were doing. The graphics engine is
smooth, the levels are virtual vistas rife with
detail, and the stolen babies are plentiful.
One thing the game lacks is a good help system. The manual that comes with it is sparse at
best, and some very useful things - like the
ability to supercharge a coathanger by heating
it until it's red-hot, or the fact that every 100
fetuses collected gains you a life - are impossible to discover except through trial and error.
And really, after the first 50 fetuses, you get
tired of the unrealistic grey and red lumps, and
start to wish that they had more of the extra-
point third terms, which double as grenades
that do a decent amount of splatter damage.
The weaponry is diverse enough, but the bigger guns - the AK47, the grenade/baby head
launcher, and the nerve gas traps - don't show
up until late in the game, so earlier levels can
be frustrating.
The enemy Al is deep and complex, not just a
trivial shortest-path algorithm. Unfortunately,
this wasn't always well balanced. In the urban
level in particular it becomes excruciatingly
difficult if they realize that you need to stop
them from killing the abortion doctors, as they
seem to ignore your assaults in their single-
minded desire to kill.
The enemies are diverse and dangerous; the
Bible Bashers in the easier levels are dispatched easily, although a muffled 'thump'
becomes an ominous sound when you've been
hit over the head with a bible and their rhetoric
enough times. Later on, the Victorians are a
vicious threat with their dangerous banshee
yells that can travel around corners and their
unyielding attacks accompanied by screams of
"you immoral filth" and "prostitues and their
illegitimate children are not humans but animals," which become a little repetitive.
All in all, the game is very well designed, the
levels are deep and immersive, the graphics
are excellent, and the number of dead babies is
massive, resulting in excellent gameplay that
will give hours of enjoyment and is worth
replaying, if only to find the special items (the
Baby Skull Necklace alone makes the game ten
times more enjoyable). 8/10 overall. Page Six
30 September 2003
SUS Elections 2003:
SUS Election Season is upon us! Voting will begin October 8th
and run to the 14th. You can go to www.sus.ubc.ca and follow
the links to the voting page. Please take the time to get to
know the nominees and make sure your opinion is heard!
VP Internal
Joses Jain
In previous years, the VP Internal of SUS has played a
critical role in accomplishing the goal of serving students in the Faculty of Science. This year proves to be
one of the biggest challenges for the Council due to the
influx of new students in the Faculty. My previous roles
as CSP President and SDS Peer Tutor have given me the
mentorship, leadership, and organizational skills
required to overcome the pressures of this challenge and
ensure a successful year. This year, let your Council be
its strongest and serve you best. Elect Joses Jain as your
VP Internal.
Gina Eom
Hello! I'm a second year Biochem student and I'm really
excited to run for VP Internal. My experience:
Co-Chair of First Year Committee, SUS (02/03)
Academic Committee member, SUS
Imagine UBC Leader
Killam Teaching Award selection committee member
Math 100/180/102 Teaching Assistant
Executive member of the Heart Club and Red Cross
I'm very friendly, cheerful, dedicated and outgoing. I'm
looking forward to leading this year's First Year Committee
and Academic Committee, reaching out to first year students, and joining this year's executive team to run SUS business
Andrew Rothbart
My name is Andrew Rothbart and I am asking you to
let me serve your undergraduate society as VP Internal.
If you elect me, I will fight to ensure that your Science
Social Space gets built as quickly as possible. I will fight
against differential tuition for science students. I will
fight to ensure that your undergraduate society acts
with transparency. Social events are important - if elected I will push for more events where science students
can destress, relax and unwind. My name is Andrew
Rothbart and if you elect me you will be electing experience, integrity, and commitment.
Reka Pataky
I am an experienced and extremely involved SUS
councilor, and I know VP Internal is the job for me! My
experience as a department rep and as a committee
member for everything from academic awards to social
space and public relations, make me an especially qualified candidate. I am organized, diligent, resourceful
and keen to work for the exceptional Science students
here at UBC! Even now, as I compose my blurb, I'm sitting in my room in res nursing a mug of Neo-Citran
and a box of tissues. But a cold won't slow me down.
No, no, my friends, I am the embodiment of eagerness!
The picture of passion! Vote for me!
First Year Representative
Harshbir (Ruban) Toor
I have good experience in student service and have held
important positions in this field. My previously held
positions are: Elected student member of Vancouver
School Board Planning Council (Sir Winston Churchill
Secondary School 2002-2003); Member of the Students'
Council of my previous high school.
Besides these, my achievements include: Vancouver
Police volunteer team captain for the Celebration of
Lights on the English Bay, Volunteer of the year 2002,
Khalsa Diwan Society, Vancouver and First place in Vancouver high school shot put competition.
I will try my best to serve the students of UBC Science.
Vote for me- all the cool people are doing it. It's not peer
pressure, just a bit of staunch persuasion holding reason. I'm already a member of the First Year Committee
which is in charge of organizing wicked events for all
first years! My position is the FYC Sports Representative
- I organize sports events FYC enters to kick Arts/ Engineering/ etcetera, butt. I also volunteer tons, and am part
of Heart, the newest Science Club that helps fund Heart
& Stroke. I would love to get involved in more activities
related to our faculty. So, please - VOTE ME IN!!
Janice Duong
Hi! My name is Janice Duong and I'm enthusiastically
running to be your 1st yr rep! I love the Canucks, jamming to jazz, meeting new people, and generally having
a good time. There are tonnes of things I would love to
do, including socials, tutorials, and making sure your
voice is heard on SUS! Most of all I want to work with all
of you to ensure we succeed in Science and have a fun
time doing it! Say hi in the halls or email, littlepen-
ny_19@hotmail.com, with any questions. Vote Janice! - I
care and I work with a smile!
Yen-Wei Edward Chien
Hey wutzup!?! How ya froshees enjoyin' university?
Tuff stuff eh? All that hwk. Well, I'm Ed Chien n I'm run-
nin' for First Year Rep for SUS. Y vote for me? Cuz I knoe
how u guyz feel. Like most of u, I have the whole science
load too (Bio, Chem, Phys, Eng Math). N asidez from
doin' hwk all the time, I wanna have fun! Dun wanna fry
my brain studyin'. FUN is all bout relaxin', chillin',
laughin' it up, n just forgetting bout the work load by
havin' cool eventz ONLY for science froshees. Science is
where da party's at!!!
Liz Jung
Fellow First Year Science Students,
Do you want a memorable first year? A fun filled,
eventful year? Representation by an intelligent,
resourceful, energetic, organized person? If you
answered yes to any of the questions, then I'm your rep.
I'm enthusiastic and I love being involved in school life.
I have lots of experience from past leadership experiences and extracurricular activities. Ask anyone who
know me, and they'll tell you that I'm great at multitasking, and I always get the job done. If you care, vote
for the best person.
Muxin Sun
I would be a great 1st year representative. I am dedicated, hardworking and companionate. I also have many organizational and leadership experience in high school.
I organized a debate club and I organized a math club as well. I was part of the student council for many years and fundraised for the Grad committee. I have volunteer
at SMH hospital, worked as a tutor for in high school, and a volunteer councilor at
BCIT. If I become 1st year science representative, I will stop at nothing to make sure
that the desires of first year science students are carried out.
May Fayien Yu
Hey everyone! It's me, May Yu! At this point, you've
probably been flooded by propaganda for the upcoming
SUS elections, and either a) don't know who the heck
these people actually are, or, b) can't decide who to vote
for. Well, fear no more, for I, May Yu, am the BEST candidate for First Year Rep! [insert bright lights and snazzy
music] I'm enthusiastic, I enjoy volunteering and, in
high school, I was student council president. So, thanks
for reading, and don't forget to vote!
(Also, in case you're wondering where I got my name,
yep, my birthday's in May)
Vladimir Chio
Greetings, I'm Vladimir (VLAD = Vigor, Leader,
Approachable, Determined). My priority is to represent
all first year science students in academic, social, and
political aspects on SUS Council and act as liaison
between students for SUS projects, such as the exciting
new Science Social Space, publications, and social events.
I am recognized by the community for my work in the
Richmond Cyberteens, Cyberseniors Program, and I've
also been involved in the Richmond Fencing Club as secretary, as well as editor of my school's yearbook last year.
If you have any questions, talk to me! 30 September 2003
Page Seven
Elections Nominees
Fellow science geeks, I am a nucleus seeking for lots of
awesome electrons like you. Now remember, there are
other nucleuses out there trying to draw you, but
beware: they are highly unstable. I am more of the
strong and stable type, like the noble gases. My principle duty is to provide positive energy for you so that you
stay happy in my orbitals. Together, we can create one
incredibly amazing ... atom! Fellows, let me be your
nucleus and you be my electrons and let all your worries
vaporize (except lectures, homework, midterms, labs,
tutorials and finals, of course).
Yenlinh Chung
My name is Yenlinh Chung. I'm running for SUS's First
year Rep position. Would you be content with a passive
and stereotypical candidate or do you want a strong-
willed, energetic individual who can make things happen??!! I am an experienced leader, who has been
involved extensively in various causes, for both students
and our community. These include many years of dedication, actively supporting both school and student spirit, while promoting multiculturalism. I will strive to let
your voices, my fellow First Year Students, be heard in
our campus!! Linh is PASSONATE. Linh is ACTION-
ORIENTED, and Linh is here FOR YOU!!!
Science One Representative
Jaspreet Khangura
Vanja Alipahic
Helen Cheung
Ashley Cook
Meghan Ho
Coordinated Science Rep
Gara Westwell Roper
Are you a CSPer, wondering how to vote? Perhaps you'll
be enlightened by this short poetic note. Be sure to read
it carefully; be sure that you will choose A rep who'll
keep you up to date on undergraduate news. Elect a representative - committed and respectful, Creative and
hard-working, a leader not neglectful Of discussing and
promoting your views to make them known, And contributing new ideas in a constructive tone. Experienced
and cheerful, a representative with clout Amongst the
science undergrads - there really is no doubt She knows
collaboration makes the CSP connection: Vote for Clara
Westwell-Roper in the SUS election!
David (Minsang) Yoon
Hey CSPers! Although the Coordinated Science Program
is a unique experience, I want to make this an even better
journey that is more memorable and more fun for all of
us. I will try my best to achieve this by voicing your concerns regarding events and services offered by the Science
Undergraduate Society. Vise versa, I will keep you guys
informed with up-to-date information from weekly meetings. As for myself, I love being involved: from jazz band
to dragonboat team to LINK leaders (equivalent to MUG
leaders). This year, I am in the First Year Committee and
currently preparing for longboat races with other CSPers!
Tony Yang
Adelene Jingling Wong
Ravivarshney      General Officer Continued
Gabriel Hung
Hey, my name is Gabriel Hung,
I have been thinking of whAt I can do as your General
Officer, working for all you B.Sc. students, with my
experiencEs on SUS council as the Coordinated Science
Program Rep, And managing finances 4 First Year Committee as the co-treasurer, As well as being on the Academic, Social and Science Week Committees last year, I
know I can thrive in this position, Being a Science MUG
leader this year allowed me to meet even more science
students, I hope to represent each and every One of you
on council.
Christina Wong
Hi all future scientists. My name is Christina Wong and
I am running for the position of General Officer in this
year's SUS election. I am a second year science student
pursuing a career in Mcrobiology and Immunology.
Last year, I participated in First Year Committee and
helped organize various events for first year science students. As a general officer, I would bring as many benefits as I can for my peers and I will do my best to ensure
that your experience in the Faculty of Science will be a
memorable one.
Alex Chen
Vote for me, Alex, for SUS General Officer on October
8th. Why? Because I'll create many more scholastic,
sports and social events for all science students, giving
you the chance to improve your grades, get in shape and
know as many other science students as possible. I
believe this friendship is the most important thing in the
long run. I'm not going to blab on anymore in this propaganda since everyone can talk the talk. However, I
promise you, I will walk the walk.
Mike Long
Hi, my name is Mike Long, and I'm a 3rd year Cell Biology and Genetics major! I am running for the position of
General Officer in SUS. I have been involved with many
SUS events in the past, such as being a member of the
Science Week Planning Committee, where I coordinated
Science Olympics. I am familiar with the council, and
am currently on the SCI Team, where we plan activities
specifically for Science students. I have a genuine interest in promoting pride and enthusiasm amongst all Science undergraduates, and I will do my best to help
make this reality!
Shuo (Chris) Ii
Well, my name is Chris Li, and I am running for General Officer of SUS. So, why would you vote me, you say?
Well, frankly, I think I stand the best chance to control
the sheep that we call the "rest of the world". I say we
must utilize our larger than average size brains to make
this place the best place to be on earth. Together, we
shall rule the world!!!! You know, from a nice and safe
distance. Plus, I smell nice, (vote for Chris!)
General Officer
Justine Chan
Hey kids! Hope everyone's year started off great...I
know work must be piling up... it only gets better =) But
no worries, live life for the moment right? Carpe Diem!!!
So you're thinkin, who is this crazy science kid quoting
philosophy? I'm JUSTINE CHAN, a 2nd year Microbi
student who is passionate, but slightly crazy. In a nutshell, I want to be a part of your representation on SUS.
Why? I love people! Why vote for me? Let's see...I love
to laugh (particularly at myself), I love life, and I love
YOU...what can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic. VOTE
Elections Continued on Page 8 Page Eight
30 September 2003
SUS Elections
General Officer Continued (again)       General Science Representative
Gordon Jung
What's up science students, my name is Gordon Jung,
currently an executive of BPP and UCS so my experience
to be a General Officer is unquestionable. I would be
lying if I claimed to be the best person as General Officer because all of my opponents, like myself, will do an
awesome job and would help make the council a success. BUT why vote for Gordon? Because to me, General Officer is more than just another resume entry and
more than just an honor. It is a responsibility I want to
fulfill, and I will definitely give it my all.
Catherine Ho
Hi! My name is Catherine Ho! I'm an outgoing person
who likes long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners,
and...representing YOU on SUS as your General Officer!! Cat Ho for G.O.! (it rhymes!) I'm fun, approachable,
enthusiastic, and full of crazy ideas! What's more is I
have plenty of experience from being on student council
and exec for the past 4 years and organizing tons of
events! I want to represent YOU and make this year an
incredible one! We'll put the "cool" back in school! =D
One more thing: canucks rule! So just remember that,
Catherine Ho's the way to go!!!
Francis Moon
Hey all! As most of you know, there are 13 students
running for this position and I'm fairly sure that the
majority of you don't really feel like reading all these
blurbs. There are more important things in life right?
(Beer anyone?) We all have midterms coming up, so let's
keep this short and to the point. If you want someone
who's enthusiastic, hardworking and someone who's
willing to get things done for you, this is your chance to
make a difference. After all, we are the best faculty at
UBC and let's make it better! I need your support in
order to make a difference! Vote Francis!
Jonathan Lam
Jon Lam I am: A mild-mannered UBC science student
by day, a super-powered Ninja by night! Okay, maybe
that's not how it really is, I just dream about being a
super-powered Ninja when I'm asleep. Anyway, by this
point if it isn't obvious why I should be your SUS General Officer, let me explain: I will make the most awe-
somest G.O. you may possibly have. Ever. I'm dedicated,
reliable, enthusiastic, and sexy. You want fresh ideas,
inexhaustible energy, and indefatigable charm? I'm your
man. When I'm G.O., not only will I represent you, I'll
have a blast doing it too.
Wesley Ma
Why vote for Wes?
a) Cause I told you so. So there! b) You were threatened
or blackmailed... ummm I mean strongly "persuaded" c)
Cause he's in third year biochem, meaning he's lived
through the first two to tell the tale d) His wit, charm,
and charisma (ok you can stop laughing now) e) He's
obviously very modest, e) Because he now realizes referring to himself in third person is just plain creepy f) You
were guilted into it because you know me or know
someone that knows me
Michelle Wang
My name is Michelle Wang and I would be honored to
be your SUS General Officer. Having lived in different
countries, I'm good at communicating with people of
different backgrounds. Not afraid to make conversation,
I always want people to feel comfortable around me. I'm
always ready to help anyone in need, unless it's with
organic chemistry! I work diligently to make sure nothing gets left unresolved. As your General Officer, I will
share with you the skills I've acquired and also learn
from everyone in this organization. If elected, I will represent Science undergraduate students, and vote with
your best interests in mind, to make SUS a more
approachable and efficient body.
Lisa Liang
Why General Science Rep? Because I like Science in
General!! I was elected as the First Year Rep in SUS last
year and I sat on First Year, Science Week, and Academic Committee. Together as a team, we organized and
promoted several events throughout the year. I have
also volunteered for Home for the Holidays program,
helped out in club events, and got involved on the Imagine Day - through which I developed leadership skills
and made wonderful connections. I would love to represent YOU on council again this year. Love the Science
Star - Vote for Lisa Liang!
Biochemistry Representative
Anthony So
HURRAY!!! WE'RE GONNA GET A SCIENCE BUILDING!!! I was part of SUS council last year as the Computer Science Rep. (I wasn't in CS, but the position was
unfilled, and the council was kind enough to elect me for
it, Thanks Council!) . I was also the secretary of the Academic Committee, where I got to interview an award-
winning prof!!!. As you can tell, I have experience on
council and I'm enthusiastic! I'm in 2nd year Biochemistry and loving every bit of it—the students are so kind,
we're like a big family! =D Vote for Experience, Vote
Mark Chen
Hello, my name is Mark Chen and I am running for Biochemistry Department representative on the Science
Undergraduate Society council. As a senior biochemistry student, I have a fair understanding of the biochemistry department at U.B.C. More importantly, however, I have an excellent understanding of all students
enrolled in biochemistry courses. I will provide excellent representation for the biochemistry department and
ensure that my voice is heard on council when necessary.
Cindy Yung
Why Cindy? She's highly approachable and patient,
when she's had enough sleep. She's a leader, but she
doesn't boss around. She's actively involved—she'll
keep you well informed. She's energetic, even when
reading about electrons. Qualifications: SUS First Year
Committee Treasurer, MUG Leader, Parent orientations
leader, Korea-UBC House Treasurer, International
House volunteer/ Welcome Leader. Unlike certain food
services, she does cater to your needs! She doesn't yell,
but she'll be your voice. She might not understand
physics, but she understands you! So... Why not Cindy?
Biology Representative
Kewan Aboulhosn
Integrated Sciences (ISP) Rep
Yuhung Li
Pharmacology/Physiology Rep
Mm Louie
Hi, my name's Kim Louie, and I'm running for Pharmacology and Physiology Representative for the Science Undergraduate SOciety. I am a Third yEar Pharmacology
Honours student that is honest and wants to make this year better than the last,
cheesy, yes, but true. Of course, I would never ever try to use anything unethical to
win votes. Subliminal messages would, just wouldn't be right... .Kim Louie Is naMe
that you can trust....
John Juwon Park 30 September 2003
Page Nine
SUS Elections
Physics/Astronomy Rep
Gerald Li
Greetings, fellow physicists! My name is Gerald Li
and I'm running for Physics and Astronomy Department rep. I'm an experienced member of SUS, having
sat on numerous SUS committees. Last year, I served
you as a General Officer and this year, I hope to continue to serve you as your Physics and Astronomy rep.
As your department rep, I will endeavour to be your
voice at SUS Council. I'll also keep you in the loop
about all the great things SUS is putting together
throughout the year. Make your vote count for dedication, responsibility, and experience!
Andres Ruberg
I'm Andres Ruberg, the Physics/Astronomy Department Representative from 2002/2003. In my capacity as
department rep last year I met with physics students
and department officials and conveyed their information and opinions to council. I have been working with
SUS since my first year and feel that I have committed
time and energy to Science Students on a consistent and
on-going basis throughout my UBC experience. Vote for
Andres Ruberg and you will be voting for an experienced and organized individual who will address your
concerns in any way I am able.
Computer Science Representative
Dan Anderson
Chemistry Representative
David Riendl
Microbiology Representative
Like no drugs are omnipotent for defeating every germ, I may not be perfect for this
job. However, my microbiology background just qualifies me for it. The experience
working as a communicator and coordinator in hospitals, rehabilitation centers, and
many major events renders me not only a better communicating skills, but also a
sense of humor, which really helps in an "ennuyant" situation. The final, last reason
you should bear in mind while voting for me is that if you give me the chance, I will
be your voice. Thank you.
Please Note:
The following positions will be elected in council (Council
Chambers in the SUB at 1 pm) on October 16th:
Geography Dept. Rep
Earth and Ocean Science Dept. Rep
Math Dept. Rep
Psychology Dept. Rep
Come on out and be prepared to give us a short speech.
Insert Here
Jo Krack
Worships the Kitty
Whew. Does anyone else feel like
it's about time for winter vacation? I can't believe that we've
only been in school for a month now. As
always, each prof seems blissfully unaware
that their course is not the only one I'm taking, and assigns work accordingly. But
even with a mountain of readings looming,
and the knowledge that if I get any farther
behind there will be a landslide soon, I
have still been able to waste my precious
thinking time on all sorts of fun issues.
Such as: the degree of sexual repression in
current Canadian/North American culture/society. In a seminar on psychoanalysis, we attempted to read Freud's Interpretation of Dreams, in which he proposes
that our suppressed wishes emerge in the
form of dreams. Since Freud was writing in
the Victorian era (cover those seductive
table legs, people!), it's quite understandable that after a long day of pretending
they had no sexual organs, people went
home and had dreams filled with sensations of flying (flying = erection) and
falling (falling = becoming a "fallen
woman"). And of course some people had
much more obvious dreams, such as wearing penis-hats. Yay, Victorian penis-hats!
(If you haven't read some Freud yet, you
really should. Just a bit. It won't hurt, honest. It may screw you up a little, but probably no one will notice.)
But if we are supposedly much more open
about and accepting of sexuality today (we
proudly display our table legs and our bra
straps), why do so many people continue
to have very sexual dreams? Are we still
repressing our sexuality, or has our unconscious figured out that dreaming about
that hottie in psych class is the only hope in
hell we have? Class discussion erupted on
this point, touching on the commercialization of sex (go on, look at a couple of ads...
you can't tell me the Telus bunnies don't do
it for you!), and then moving on to the
reconfiguring of sexual pressure: from
"don't even think about it until you're married, at which point do it grudgingly, for
the sake of the children" to "if you're not
having ten orgasms a day, you're probably
frigid. Oh, but don't even think about taking off your clothes until you've gone to
the gym and solved that 'jiggling' problem
of yours, honey!" (It's actually quite sad
how many women feel the need to have a
"perfect body" before they can have sex.
Without a bit of flab, what's he supposed to
grab on to? And don't bother applying too
much makeup - that's the first to go, and
most guys tend to notice if you try to fix it
up mid-intercourse.)
But even in the face of a sexually-active-
and-proud-of-it movement (which is of
course under continuous siege from the
religious right), adults are expected to find
a partner they can be monogamous with in
the end. If monogamy was humankind's
natural state, we wouldn't have to have so
many rules and pressures attempting to
enforce it. There would be no affairs or
infidelity, because anyone in a relationship
would simply not want to have sex with
anyone else. This, of course, is not the
case... although just because some people
would like to try every single person they
come into contact with (and when we consider how packed the 99 B-line gets, that's
quite impressive!) does not mean that they
cannot suppress their hormones and
remain faithful (if your partner cries out
"oooh, guy in the striped sweater on the B-
line!" during sex, consider yourself lucky
that she's only fantasizing!). Mmmm... B-
line orgies... What a way to up ridership...
we could possibly even convince some of
those blessed with BMWs from mommy
and daddy to stop driving around campus
making the rest of us jealous and just get
on the fucking bus already.
Although university campuses are historically somewhat more liberal/open-minded than society at large (put a bunch of
horny co-eds in a room with a case of beer
and suddenly that "waiting for marriage"
thing seems pretty silly), there are still
strong anti-sex forces present. Case in
point: in a stall of one of the SUB's women's
washrooms, a girl had asked for advice
about her boyfriend. They'd been dating
for a year (high school sweethearts), but
lately he was asking her why she didn't
want to have sex with him (both virgins).
She wanted to know what to do in such a
scary situation. I would have asked her to
examine her motives for not wanting to
have sex: religious views, fear that it would
make her a "slut", not being ready emotionally for such a fundamental change in
the relationship, fear that he would dump
her right after or tell all his friends, concern
about STDs/pregnancy, etc. There are plenty of good reasons to decide not to have
sex, whether you're a virgin or not.
That said, there are plenty of good reasons
to have sex, especially if you have a partner
who adores you and is willing to both
teach you and learn with you. Anyway, the
advice this girl got consisted entirely of
variations on the theme: "Respect yourself
and dump him!" Some of the remarks were
full of contempt for guys, and proclaimed
that all men think only with their cocks
and must be punished for such depravity
by withholding sex (women should never
be so undignified as to listen to their hormones). Dumping a guy because he wants
only sex and you want only talking and
hand-holding is perfectly valid; dumping a
guy because he wants to have sex and you
equate this with him being a pervert is not.
Guys generally want to have sex because it
feels good. Orgasms, yay! If women
achieved them as easily as guys do right
from the start, things would be a lot easier.
Perhaps then female sexual activity wouldn't be seen as giving in to men, because
everyone would know that girls enjoyed
sex too. But sadly, the view that a woman
who has sex before marriage is degrading
herself is still firmly held by some
women... although for the most part they
seem too timid to voice such opinions in
sex-positive climates, and resort to nasty
scrawls on bathroom walls. They can feel
free to email me, though!
I can't get the image of a bus-orgy out of
my mind (which is not all bad, but definitely not all good - have you seen some of
the bus drivers?), so I think I'm going to
have to conclude here. Sexual repression
and sexual attitudes at UBC, and in Canadian society in general... what do you
think? Should girls withhold sex because
guys are dirty perverts for wanting it in the
first place? And should girls who withhold
really be wearing low-rise tight jeans with
visible thongs? So email me at gim-
mekrack@hotmail.com. Because replying
to me is more fun than doing your homework!
30 September 2003
A Summer in SUS: 2003
Dan Yokom
El Presidente
While you were all out gallivanting
on the brilliant beaches and glorious mountains of British
Columbia (or wherever you were allowed
to escape to), the Science Undergraduate
Society was hard at work FOR YOU in the
somewhat less brilliant and quasi-glorious
Leonard S. Klink Building. Here's a snippet
of what went down:
Over 1600 fresh Science students were
shipped in from high schools all over the
world and were treated to an amazing first
day of university through Imagine UBC.
SUS was introduced to them during the big
pep-talk in the morning which provided
them with the energy and enthusiasm to
blow away all other faculties at the afternoon pep-rally. Blue balloons pounded
and cheers soared as Science students once
again proved to have not only "the Brains"
but also the most tasteful and greatest spirit at UBC. (Also, the most blue balloons, -ed)
Interfaculty Cup (IFC)
The SUS Council worked on the logistics
and planning to revive an Old Skool tradition called the Interfaculty Cup. This one
day event, scheduled for early Term 2, will
pit all UBC Undergraduate Societies
against each other and a battle of athleticism, academia, and spirit. Experts are
already anticipating a Science sweep so
make sure you keep an eye out for your
chance to get involved.
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2003
Alright, so maybe SUS didn't actually
make it in, but a Society can dream, can't
they? And our annual Jell-O wrestling
competition isn't exactly low-profile.
Interfaculty Publications Office
Our Director of Publications, Lana Rupp,
along with representatives from other constituencies, has been working madly
towards the creation of a new Publications
Office. This new service is open to all student groups. Email her at lerupp@inter-
change.ubc.ca if your group would like to
take advantage of this with your next publication.
Science Social Space
Finally, and most importantly, is our work
towards the creation of a new Science Student Social Space. In early May SUS presented this idea to the President's Planning
Advisory Committee (PPAC). The members were ecstatic about it and promptly
recommended the project to go the next
Board of Governors (BOG) meeting.
The BOG approval process has 5 levels
and in July we went to the meeting looking
to get past the first level. The BOG members had lots of questions regarding the
finance and use of the space but in the end
they agreed with PPAC and voted to
approve the concept of the Science Social
Space!! We have since been planning to get
past the 2nd level which is the approval of
the project's budget.
So that was the SUS Summer, and we
hope your summer was equally fun and
productive. Keep reading the 432 to hear
about the outcomes and further developments of all these issues.
Especially issues with scantily clad models.
And Now: A word from your RM
Ken Eng
Unstable but Tidy
I feel I should write for the 432, and,
more importantly, I want some hard
liquor, so here goes... the Room Manager Report for September 2003.
Clogged Sink: We have a clogged sink. It
was clogged by an A-Hole with instant
noodles. I have already poured a whole
bottle of Drano into it, and it is still
clogged. 1st Lesson of the week : POUR
Mssing coffee money : Money was in coffee cup. Money disappeared from coffee
cup. Coffee costs money. So I have 2 solutions for that: 1) no more coffee, or 2)
charge it towards your student fees...
hmmm... caffeine... 2nd Lesson of the
Since we're on the topic of missing
things... Mssing whiteboard pens: They
just seem to disappear. We really need to
seal up those holes underneath the boards
before they fill up with whiteboard pens.
3rd Lesson of the week : FLOORS WITH
Printing : Once again, it amazes me that
people will print out 10, 20, 30-plus pages
of notes to read, yet fail to read the sign
above the public computers. They clearly
state that "If you print course notes, we will
charge you $0.25 a page." Please, I don't
feel like going up to you and charging you;
nor do you want me to do that in front of
everyone at SUS. 4th Lesson of the week :
H20 : This is a given... We are only getting
9 bottles of water a week, and they arrive
every Wednesday. If we run out of water,
I'm not ordering more. 5th Lesson of the
Room Sanitation: SUS is getting dirty and
filled with garbage. Please dispose of your
own trash. I may sound like them, but I am
not your parents. Please clean up your own
mess. 6th Lesson of the Week: IF YOU
And now that my rant is done and I'm not
actually going to hurt you or myself, lets
report on something a bit more fun.
Remember that we have Batman showings
(courtesy of Eric, the other Room Manager)
every MWF @ 11am. We also have random
movie showings (courtesy of Patrick) every
Tuesday and Thursday @ about 11am. The
photocopy coin-box does not like anyone,
so shout "photocopy" and someone should
come by to unlock the photocopier for you.
Note : it still costs $0.05 a page.
[shameless plug] Remember Oktoberfest
on Friday October 3rd!!! [/shameless plug].
SUS is located at LSK 202. "Come one,
come all." We're here to make you happy!
Have fun
Ken (RM)
Ken's only 90% as scary as this article makes
him out to be. The lesson in this is: if you give
a guy enough power and crack you'd better
not give him the keys to your office too.
October 1
Pre-Dent: UBC Admissions Day
October 2
1pm: SUS Council
4pm: Cocoa BPSS (Henn 318)
October 3
5pm: BPP Icebreaker Wood
October 5
9am: Run for the Cure (ISSA)
October 8
Pre-Dent: Kaplan Info Session
October 9
1pm: SUS Council
October 15
Pre-Dent: DAT tutorial #1
October IE
1pm: SUS Council
October 17-19
IdUl G^crtMifi
October 22
Pre-Dent: DAT tutorial #2
October 23
1pm: SUS Council
October 29
Pre-Dent: Mock DAT
October 30
1pm: SUS Council
AMS Happenings
Alan Warkentin
The AMS meeting of September 24th
was a unique one. A couple of councilors are involved in a documentary
about UBC students and as such, we had a
video crew in the meeting to film them
(and us!) in action. It was a fairly important
council meeting as we discussed such
issues as the Travel Cuts lawsuit, the
AMS/GSS Health Plan, and some code
changes regarding committee structure.
The AMS has hired a new Elections
Administrator, Christine Tai, who is the
"middle-man"   person  for   all  the   con
stituency and AMS elections. The
AMS/GSS Heath Plan has proved so successful that the policy was losing money.
Thus, the AMS has written up a survey to
find out what benefits people need the
most so they can balance the plan for next
year. The survey will be available from SUS
for you to fill out.
The AMS website is being revamped and
should be up and running fairly soon (end
of October). It is designed to be much more
"user friendly" for people who aren't very
aware of what the AMS does or how it
The Travel Cuts Lawsuit was discussed in
camera, and it was decided by council that
it would be more beneficial for the society
if we were to not withdraw from the lawsuit for the time being. 30 September 2003
Page Eleven
The Drawers of SUS
Dan Yokom
So here is what is happening on my
front these days: Elections! Our fall
department/year elections are coming
up really soon. Voting takes place Wednesday, 8 October through Tuesday 14 October 2003. Do not take your right to vote for
granted. The people that get elected into
SUS Council are representing YOU so have
your voice heard for who will represent
you. Voting will take place online, please
go to www.sus.ubc.ca for more informa
tion or to the Student Service Centre to
Social Space: Unfortunately we have not
confirmed a donor for the new social space
although progress is being made. This
means that we will not be able to pass the
second Board requirement in October nor
continue to finalize the design. BUT this
does mean that we are still collecting the
Social Space Surveys, please go to
www.sus.ubc.ca to fill one out and let us
know what you want!
Everyone have an awesome couple of
weeks. I hope to see you out at Oktoberfest. Dan.
Patricia Lau
VP External
Hello everyone, I hope you all had a
great summer and are now getting
back into the swing of things at
school. I'm just going to let you all know a
little bit about what's going on in my part
of the SUS world. You might not know this,
but SUS runs a huge multi-day event
called Science Week during the last of January, this year it is January 26-30, 2004. The
organization, planning and running of this
great fun filled week comes under my
portfolio so, after reading my handy
dandy little explanation here, if you are
interested in helping out in any capacity
email me at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
Science Week is a week full of both Science-
y related things, and some things related to
Science only in name. All of the SUS clubs
are required to run an event so there are
many many many different things to do
and see. For example, last year there was a
cheese-making session (MISA), a movie
night (ISSA), a pancake breakfast, an AIMS
lecture and two magic shows (UCS), just to
name a few.
SUS also runs fun fun events that also
raise money for a particular charity. Some
highlights from last year were a Keynote
Speaker address, Jello Wrestling (one of
those events related to Science only in
name, but not really - at least the Jello is
Science BLUE!), Science Olympics (ah, now
this one is a Science related thing only in
name), Professor/Student Talent Shows,
and how could we forget: good old COLD
FUSION (a huge concert bash to round out
the week put on by our fantastic Social
Coordinator Anna-Marie Bueno). One of
the most useful events for first year stu
dents is the Beyond First Year forum that is
put on in conjunction with the Faculty of
Science. Anyway if you are at all interested
in getting involved with Science Week,
whether it is making and designing
posters, organizing events (and thinking of
new more exciting ones), volunteering at
events, making 600 Litres of blue Jello or
whatnot, email me (again, at pwlau@inter-
change.ubc.ca) and I'll let you know when
the committee meets and what the commitment levels are (there are many different levels mind you, so come one, come
There will definitely be more on this later,
so don't worry I won't let you forget about
Science Week.
A few other things that are not related to
Science Week: there will be a meeting on
October 9, 2003 at 5pm (tentatively scheduled to be in LSK 200) SUS club execs
(presidents, SUS reps, social coordinators,
publication people) and as many of the
SUS exec can make it (hopefully a lot). This
meeting is meant to improve communication between clubs and SUS and to talk
about all the collaborating that will be happening between the different organizations
all year long.
And last things last, I've been attending
AMS meetings all summer long. Ah, it's so
good camping out in SUB 206 for five
hours at a time. Anyway, I believe there is
an AMS report in this newspaper somewhere, but if you have any questions about
anything AMS related feel free to ask me.
Okay, well that's definitely enough from
me. If you have any comments, questions,
etc. for me, you can email me or come see
me in my office hours on Mondays from 3-
5pm in LSK 202. Have fun partying, studying, procrastinating or whatever you are
doing. Talk to you all later.
Brian MacLean
VP Internal
Hola! Howdy and Hi! As you read
this paper, I encourage you to pay
special attention to the elections
pages and make sure you come out and
VOTE! There are some stellar candidates
for many of the positions, especially the VP
Internal. Read the blurbs, meet the candidates, ask questions and then vote online
and make sure your voice is heard.
In other news, the First Year Committee is
off to a great start this year. Elections were
held this month and we have a great team.
Any first year student wishing to join is
encouraged to come out Wednesday at
5pm to Klinck 202.
That said, this exec report carries a bit of
sadness with it, as it will be my last exec
report for the time being. I wish you all the
best and may you have a tremendous year.
Watch this space for a brand new name
and face next month!
Alan Warkentin
D. of Finance
Wohoo, my first exec report for The
432! There isn't that much happening on the financial front, student fees won't be deposited into our
account till the end of October and as we
haven't spent a huge amount of money yet,
there isn't much to report. The biggest
thing is the Whistler Retreat that is coming
up on October 17th to 19th. Make sure you
come as it is a important conference/meeting were you get to know all the exec and
things like parliamentary procedure, budget processes ect. If you or your club would
like to set up a copy account in the SUS
office, please talk to me. The minimum cost
for an account is 100 copies for $5.00.
As you may or may not know, I am also
this terms Elections Commissioner and
that is in full swing. The All-Candidates
meeting happened on September 26th and
we have a good turnout of people wanting
to get involved in SUS this year (which is
always a good thing!).
That's it from the bank vault, have a good
week and see you all soon!
Alan just wants a bunch of people to show up
at Whistler so he can charge them $100 each
to sleep in his car. On top of each other. With
the heat off. The retreat is for SUS councillors
and (very) determined crashers only.
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Co-ordinator
I'm going to keep this short because 1)
there's not enough room and 2) my
brain is much too tired for this to go on
for very long. Basically, the social committee's work is well underway. Things are
looking good for this Friday's BZZR garden, OKTOBERFEST. I hope to see many of
your lovely faces there. So that's this Friday, October 3rd in the SUB Party Room
from 7 pm to 11 pm. We'll be having a BBQ
outside in the courtyard so you can have a
hearty BBQ dinner and we'll also be having
live music. YAY! Okay, that's it for
now...short eh? am
Serena Siow
i everyone! Well, it's been a busy 3
weeks of school thus far, and the
year has just begun. I hope that
most of ya'll have had the time to check out
the science clubs during Clubs Days (yes
support the SUS clubs!).
Also, with SUS Council up and running,
we've finally been able to schedule office
hours to keep the SUS Lounge open more
regularly. This is for your benefit, so use it!
Along  with   services   like  microwaves,
cheap photocopies, and computers, there
are always cool people around to chat with
and just chill out after those intense three
hour labs.
Elections are coming up pretty soon so
check out the profiles of the candidates and
make sure you have a say in who will be
representing you! On the sustainability
front, the first training session will be held
next week, so I'll keep ya'll posted after
that. The most exciting event so far is the
upcoming social event: Oktoberfest! By the
looks of the planning so far, it'll be amazingly spectacular and tons of fun. See ya'll.
Mariko Welch
Public Relations
Hey Guys! Wow - that time of year
again. Somehow between the first
week rush of BBQs and Bzzrs, and
the third week realization that mid-terms
start in 7 days and you have yet to remove
the shrink wrap from your textbooks...
hopefully most of you guys had a chance
to meet some cool first years (and if you are
a first year, hopefully you met some cool
older SUSers!). If your reading this, you
obviously checked out the fabulous 432,
perhaps even a council meeting so I'm
assuming that you're all aware of what
SUS is up to, elections for General Officer
positions and all! In any case... I guess
what I'm trying to get at is that school is in
full swing now, and hopefully we'll see
you around at the fun, busy events that
SUS exec and council are in the midst of
planning! There is no better time than the
present to become part of that planning
process and ensure that SUS events are the
best events on campus!
From a PR standpoint - the Annual KISS
THE PIG fundraiser, with all proceeds
going to the Canadian Gene Cure Foundation, is soon coming up! I'm planning on
starting up the PR Committee in a few
weeks, so please email me if you'd like to
get involved! Come on now! What better
way to get involved, volunteer, and raise
funds for charity then to help organize an
event that'll get your favorite Prof snogging with a hog!?
Mariko: mpwelch@interchange.ubc.ca
Lana Rupp
D. of Publications
Hello darkness my old friend. I'm
stuck in the SUS office alone again.
But I wouldn't be if I had some
writers and editors along for the ride! Why
gosh, it'd be sweet. I'd feed them and love
them and give them alcohol and pad their
egos. Get what I'm saying folks? That's
right! If you come in to the SUS office in
Klinck 202 or in days to come, the Interfac-
ulty Publishing Office (IFPO) in the base
ment of the SUB... I'll feed you and love
you and give you alcohol and pad your
The next issue of The 432 comes out October 21st and the next writers meeting is
Tuesday October 14th at 4:32pm in the SUS
office (Klinck 202).
If you come to no other meeting this year,
make it the 14th! After we discuss business,
we will proceed to the brand-new IFPO
office and make it our own! There's a beer
fridge folks! Cheers!
Lana - lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca
Chris Zappavigna
I hope everyone has enjoyed their first
month back at school. Depending on
when you read this, I may have already
written my first midterm! Nuts, eh? Anyways, the September senate meeting has
been cancelled due to lack of business. If
you have any questions regarding academic policy at UBC or the Faculty of Science,
please don't hesitate to contact me at cjzap-
pav@interchange.ubc.ca or cjzappav@hot-
mail.com. Like most, I check my e-mail at
an obsessive rate. I've toned down my
social life from the last issue of the 432.
After going to the Pit 3 times in one week,
I've now started to hit the books hard. Considering that this is my last undergraduate
year at UBC, I plan to enjoy it as much as
possible. Oktoberfest is coming up in a
couple of weeks - this is my next public
event. Work hard, but play harder. Take
care guys!
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hi All. Registration for term one
leagues is now over! I hope that
you all got the teams organized
that you wanted to, and I hope that you all
enjoy your respective term one leagues.
Upcoming intramural events include inner
tube water polo (registration deadline is
Friday, October 3), the eco adventure challenge (registration deadline is Tuesday,
October 15), and the gladiator team challenge (registration deadline is Monday,
October 21). These are all great events, so
please see the SRC or the SUS sports board
for details. As for the science sports
rebates, the deadline for handing in your
rebate information is going to be Friday,
November 15 at 5pm. In the past, rebates
have been 40-60%, but I can't make any
promises until I receive all the rebate
requests. To receive your rebates, please
hand in your team roster, your receipt, and
the name, phone number and email
address of the person that I am supposed
to write the rebate to into my box in the
Science Undergraduate Society Office (LSK
202). If you have any questions, you can
email me at kristin_lyons@hotmail.com.
Have a great first term! Page Twelve
30 September 2003
Planes Trains and Automatic Weapons
Andy Martin
Touching Your Side
The invention of motorized vehicles
allowed us to move further away
from other people. This was thought
to be a good thing as the less you hang
around people, the less irritating they are,
and back in the day, the less open sewage
you had to live by. But as automobiles
became the everyman thing to do, it got to
the point where you couldn't get through a
normal day without using motorized vehicles.
Barring shut-ins, work-at-home losers and
those who have a flourishing career in the
liberal arts (a.k.a. 'drunken harmonica
dude'), you pretty much need to rely on a
vehicle to get around. The car companies
have you, and it's not just the gas prices or
insurance or any of that stuff that's irritating, it's just that the whole experience
Let's take driving. Having your own car or
monster truck is the most liberating thing
in the world. All of a sudden, you can go
where you want, when you want. You
could be laying awake at 3A.M., philosophizing about the truth of whether or not
American slurpees really do taste like fire
retardant, and you can actually answer the
question by driving down to the border
and stopping at the first convenience store
you find (But you don't have to, because
I'm telling you now, the answer is 'yes'). It
isn't the fact that you would, but the fact
that you could, and that is freedom. [Sco-
tish Highlander voice] FREEDOM! [back to
silent text] Before we had our own wheels,
we were limited by the schedules of public
transportation and/or the equally illogical
whimsy of those we knew who did have
cars. But now we have cast aside those
rusty shackles of other people, and taken
to the open road. An open road filled with
about 2 million cars.
Once you get a car, you realize how much
effort it takes. Not just all the effort that
goes into maintaining a car, but the difficulty and irritation of the basic ownership
and operation of a car. Car commercials try
to sell you the ease and enjoyment of driving. I find joy in a small sliver of driving,
that of the first few minutes of country
highway driving with my rock n' roll blasting. The rest of the time it's either boring or
irritating to the point where I swear I'm a
risk to public health when I'm looking for
parking during rush hour downtown. And
I own a big blocky truck, with no power
steering. This turns the skillful art of precise driving during a traffic jam into a
composite modern sketch of braking,
honking, cursing, and pressed hams.
Trucks carry the extra caveat of having to
spend many-a-weekend moving your temporary best friends around. My going rate
seems to be a sandwich and a pat on the
Of course, getting a car gives you the
invaluable license to be a downright asshole. Driving may be a privilege, but being
an asshole is a right. And what better way
to get your kicks than with a mountain of
metal to back you up. And those who think
the Vancouver driving scene is tough, you
have to experience the NYC scene.
Between regular traffic that can add an
extra 3 hours to your drive, honking from
behind you exactly 0.0001 of a second after
a light turns green, improvisational lane
creation and merging rules, entire streets
of double parking, and a rash of 'dent and
drive away' drivers...it defies explanation.
There are four things I have seen that
define the NYC driving experience:
1) Cars honking at a stopped ambulance
2) Cars double parked over perfectly good
parking spots
3) Cars parallel parking in order to double
4) "Hey, I'm drivin' here! Whatsamattay-
But as much as it sucks, what's the alternative? the bus? The wheels on the bus go
'kill me now, I'm a fucking bus! The most
despised form of transportation ever!" Taking the bus is the only means of transportation more despised than those labou-
rious ones like biking. Sure, biking is
known to induce non-sex sweating, can
induce bone splintering accidents as you
are forced to share the road with the aforementioned motorists, and it exposes you to
the most carcinogenic fumes this side of
sticking your head in the latest head-sized
muffler coveted by many young members
of the Asian, or wannabe Asian, community; but it's safer than the bus. As I plunk my
ass down on one of the uncomfortable
seats, I can't help but think of all the other
asses that have sat on the same seat, and
how long the seat has had to culture and
grow the infectious diseases. As I sit, taking an STD swab with my ass cheeks, my
knees butt up against the seat in front of
me and it's protective coat of used gum
and naughty limericks.
See, I'm tall. I'm not towering, but I'm a
somewhat taller than the average sexy
male. Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but I'd
like a seat I can sit in without first getting
scurvy to make my bones bend and fit into
the allotted space.
And then, there are the people you meet
on the bus. There's a large freak population
out there. Relatively few of them are loud
and obnoxious freaks: most are quiet and
take out their freakishness on the internet.
But take the bus enough, and you're sure to
run into plenty of each. 20 minute conversations about the weather, loud accusations of meat stealing sexual deviants just
trolling for a yiff with a possible werewolf
(if you don't know about that, good for
you, for the people who understand are to
be feared... ignorance is bliss, ignorance is
bliss, la, la, la...), and the ye olde fat sweaty
hog sitting in the seat next to you, their
ample hips invading your personal space,
your physical volume.
And let's not forget the bus schedules
which threaten to rip the time-space continuum by the sheer mass of illogicality
compacted into such a small pamphlet.
And then in Vancouver there's the Skytrain. The fastest way to get to Surrey...a
shame no inanimate object could live
down. Of course, it is also the fastest way
to get out of Surrey, which kind of redeems
it. But I still hate it, because this article
wouldn't work if I didn't.
Seabus. The oft-rightfully ignored seabus.
My favourite activity on the Seabus is
watching other passengers. And not just
staring at the tits. No, I watch just to see
and mock the people who are so sensitive
that they get seasick on a 10 minute ride
across a calm inlet. Because lest you see 20
meter waves out the window, nobody has
the right to puke.
And what's the deal with airline peanuts?
Honestly, I think we'd all be better off
skitchin' Marty McFly style anywhere we
need to go. [if you don't know the term
"skitchin"', you're too damn old, if you
don't know who Marty McFly is, you're too
damn young]. Streets dominated by skateboarders, a city-wide soundtrack of Huey
Lewis during rush hour. That or those flying cars science was supposed to have
invented by now.
Friday, Oktober
3rd, 7pm-llpm£
Minors Welcome
Live Music!
Free food if you're
wearing lederhosen
(Did we mention - bzzr, bratwurst, and burgers?)


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