UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Jan 31, 1990

Item Metadata


JSON: the432-1.0000877.json
JSON-LD: the432-1.0000877-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): the432-1.0000877-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: the432-1.0000877-rdf.json
Turtle: the432-1.0000877-turtle.txt
N-Triples: the432-1.0000877-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: the432-1.0000877-source.json
Full Text

Full Text

 UBC Aichives Serial
The Boring issue
is here!
Who cares, anyway?
by Aaron Drake
CHEM 160 - In honour of 1990 being the
UN's Year of the Boring Couch Potato,
The 432 has devoted an entire issue to
"Sure, why not?" says SUS External
Vice President Antonia Rozario, "Boredom is a central issue on campus. Students should be made more aware of it."
Unclassified Yolanda Leung thought
that although an apathy issue would have
been better, "I could care less, but it's too
much effort."
Topics in this issue include: 6 Steps to
Cleaner Underwear, Single Swinging
Honours Math Students, and Broccoli:
The Scandal Uncovered.
SUS President Ari Giligson agrees that
this issue was a long time coming. "I'm
not surprised. With fewer and fewer students writing for the paper, the articles
are really starting to get stupid. I mean,
everyone must be sick to death of
The 432 issued a press release Friday
morning, outliningThe Editor's decision
to go with the Boring issue. It read, in
part, "I don't know. It seems like a good
idea. I got nothing else to work with. No
one's submitting anything. God, maybe
I'll take a long vacation in Hawaii or
something. This issue's gonna be a dead
Boring is defined in the dictionary as
"the act of drilling a hole or piercing a
surface." Nothing could be more boring
than that.
Actually, says Caireen Hanert, Physics
Rep, "If you want to define boring, you
should see my boyfriend in the sack."
The 432 intercepted an informal communique between the SUS and Premier
Bill Van derZalm, discussing the stateof
boredom about the province. In it, Van
der Zalm expressly guarantied that "there
will not be boredom on demand in this
province." Ironically, Van der Zalm
vetoed the release of a Safe-Excitement
In an unrelated development, a group
of Economics students issued a press release, calling for a new definition of
boredom, to reflect exactly how much a
snore Economics really is.
Science on Top in Women V Intramurals
by San jay Parikh
In an amazing first semester, The
Faculty of Science has come out on top of
the Intramurals Unit Points Race in the
Women's Division. Reported by the Intramurals Office, Science is first with Nursing only 5 points behind and Engineering
400 points behind. This was primarily
due to the independent formation of teams
which registered under the Faculty of
Science. Particular contributions were
made by individual clubs such as the PreMed Society, Dawson Club, BioSoc,
Microbi Club, and Computer Science
Students Society.
In the Men's Division, Science
came out in second place behind the
Engineers by 500 points. This margin is
quite large but can be made up easily says
the Intramurals Office. The deciding factors will be participation in the Storm the
Wall Event and Weekly Noon-Hour Runs.
Competitors in the Noon-Hour Runs earn
2 points for Science per run and participants in Storm the Wall earn 32 points per
team. Says Sports Director Christine
Kurz of the Science Undergraduate Socir
ety, "I'd really like to see a lot of Science
Teams in the Storm the Wall Event. It's
a tradition out here at UBC but more
importantly, it's a lot of fun."
Storm the Wall is the yearly event
held by Intramurals and is perhaps, its
most popular. Some 5 days of heats
results in final victors in categories for
Men's, Women's and Co-Rec divisions.
Each team consists of 5 members and one
alternate and costs $40 per team (each
competitor receives a special 1990 Storm
the Wall T-shirt). Because of the SUS's
interest in seeing more participants in this
event run for Science than ever before,
the SUS is offering a $20 rebate of the
$40 cost for any team in the Storm the
Wall event that registers its unit as
Science. The race consists of 5 segments:
The first leg is a relatively easy 400 metre
sprint; the second leg is a 300 metre swim
and is possibly the most physically demanding segment; the third leg is a 1 km
run; the fourth leg is a 5 km bike ride; and
the final leg is the scaling of the 12 foot
Wall by all five members of the team.
The event is being held this year from
March 18-22 and registration is from
March 14-16. Join the fun and put a team
together amongst your friends or drop by
the Science Undergrad Office(Chem 160)
and get onto one of our "ringer" teams!
Last issue of The 432 (January 17) I allowed two ads to run in the
personals. I took them late at night over the phone and put them in
the issue immediately. I confess that I didn't even give it a second
Those ads were redneck and degrading.
Sexism is a serious issue and it plagues women in all walks of
life. It lies in the dark corners of policies, unseen and unthought of,
or it sits in the middle of the trail, lurking there, obvious to all, and
if we do see it, we just skirt around it without killing the beast. Or,
even worse, it is just at the comer of the eye, just beyond your sight.
You can't point it out exactly, but it's still there, without body but
deep wit essence.
The 432 has tried to present a newspaper that is not offensive to
anyone. Up until now, we have been fairly successful, poking fun
here and there, but all in a self-mocking lightness. We overstepped
the bounds of taste when those ads ran. Excuse me -1 overstepped
the bounds of taste. It was my decision alone.
It was definitely not my intention to promote sexism, but that is
what I did. I apologize to all women,, and to all of the SUS that I
have cast shadows on by doing this. In particular, I am very sorry
for having offended anyone, and can only promise that this will
never happen again.
Shantz SUS
Sure Shoe-in
by Aaron Drake (*fia Cttucis*^)
Beuraucracy is an undeniable fact of
University life. One would think that
students themselves would be the first to
eliminate beuraucracy within the organization of their own affairs. Yet it was this
student synthesized beauraucracy, this
pitiful attention to insignificant detail
which cost Jeff Shantz the presidency of
the AMS. Even with an overwhelming
"write in" vote, Shantz was disqualified
for the simple fault that a clerical error
eliminated his name from the ballot.
Jeff Shantz commented on the possibility of running in other elections. "I've
been at UBC many years and I plan to be
here many more."
When pressed for details on the clerical
error, Shantz said, "I forgot to get a
nomination form, okay? Get outta my
face, butthead."
Currently, there is no provision for write-
in candidates, but with the overwhelming
majority of votes for Shantz in this year's
election, those rules may just change.
Over ninety thousand voted for Jeff
Shantz, a number well over the quorum
Amid rumours that some of the voting
was rigged, Shantz defended himself. "I
didn't stuff nothin'. I've got too much
respect for you losers. It was a grassroots
movement. Hear that? Grass roots!
And what does the future hold for Jeff
Shantz? Although his role on the AMS is
up in the air, Shantz will not rule out a
shot at the presidency of the SUS. "My
biodegradable platform will carry me to
victory. This time. I'll get nominated,
too. Hey, wanna sign this? Hey, sign this.
A president that cares. I'm talking to you,
butthead. Hey!'
The 432
January 31,1990 :ft,
Valenitine's day is coming! Valentine's day is coming!
StereOtypinjfTeatiy bugs the heck
out of me. All Brits are pompous. All
Albertans wear cowboy hats. All blondes
are dumb. All Americans are loud.
Wait, let's dwell on that last one for a
Swear to god, they once asked me what
it was like to serve a Queen. And this was
in Washington, for god's sake (or, as they
pronounced it, 'warshington.'). What's
it like to serve a queen? What's it like to
serve a queen? How do I know?! Anyway, I'm too concerned with cutting ice
for my house, and hitching up the wagon
and all that.
Two american doctors, down south
(In AL-ahhh-BAM-a), asked my girlfriend how long it would take to get to
Calgary from Toronto.
By Subway.
Let's back up a second, and I'll say it
again. Doctors. In AL-ahhh-BAM-a.
How long will it take by subway? I dunno
doc, how far is it from Detroit to Butte,
Montana by Subway?
But I'm digressing. We're suppose to
be arguing about stereotypes and instead
of stereotyping Americans, I want to talk
about how the world stereotypes Canadians.
For the most part, the world has a good
opinion of us. Them there Canadians.
They're okay. Got no nuclear weapons.
They don'tevengotanarmy. Don't try to
take over third-world countries. Real
funny politics. Nice guys.
The Americans sew Canadian flags all
over their backpacks when they travel to
the middle east. Why? Because Canada's
got no stick! We walk softly, and carry a
loaf of bread or sausage or something.
We've got no army. Look, where do you
think our navy is based? Where are the
headquarters? Are they somewhere on
the St. Lawrence? Hudson Bay? Nope.
They're in Calgary. It's warm in the
summer, okay?
How intimidating is a country that has
its naval headquarters in the center of the
We're nice guys to Europe and Asia. To
Hong Kong, we're the swell guys that are
saving them from the Chinese. In the
Persian Gulf, we're the harmless
peacekeeping force observing a ceasefire.
In America, we're the Canucks. Johnny
Canuck, ya sure can play that hockey.
Only reason that America hasn't dominated the sport is 'cause you got winter up
there 360 days of the year, right? You're
ponds are always frozen over.
Have you Canadians got 'lectricity yet?
Boy, you sure can make good bacon.
What a beautiful day; why isn't it snowing? Why does your money come in every
colour of the rainbow?
Come to think of it, stereotyping has
some appeal to it. Correct me if I'm
wrong but every American male between
the ages of 12 and 20 belongs to a gang,
doesn't he? His parents are either divorced, on drugs, or of the same sex. No
really. I thought it was the law down there
that every one must own a handgun.
You're from California? How many
surfboards do you own, dude? How can
you Americans stand being wiretapped
by the CIA all of the time?
Have you got a criminal record?
My favorite stereotypes come from
right here at UBC. All artsies chainsmoke long-cigarettes and discuss Niet-
sche over expresso at the corner cafe. All
engineers drink so much beer that they
tank naked women after hanging a
Volkswagon from her neck. All Compsci
students talk in Database. No wait, that's
not a stereotype. All physics students
have a combined weight of less than ten
All editors are the perfect manifestation of any God that you would
care to name. Heck, I don't mind
being part of a stereotype. Course,
it would be nice if they paid me for
Letters to the
Excuses, excuses...
On Friday, SUS had its Science Week
Extravaganza Dance. It was great. But
when we tried to sell tickets, we heard
a lot of excuses. Below are some of
them, and our response to each one.
"I have too much homework to do."
Everybody has too much homework.
Yet people could find time to go the
dance. If they could, who could this
workaholic? Did he/she let it accumulate? If so, the chances are that he/she
is going to goof again, and should do so
by coming to the dance.
"I'm going skiing at Whistler."
A Whistler ski ticket: over $30. Plus
accommodation, gasoline for the long
trip, lunches at their expensive gourmet
outlets. A SUS Science Week Extravaganza Dance Ticket: $4. And the SUS
has the nerve to call it an "extravaganza" dance.
"I'm under-aged."
Where's the grad spirit? Where's the
fake ID? Y'know, liquid paper has
been around for some time.
"I'm busy trying to get into med
Take note all you pre-med keeners.
The workload doesn't get lighter after
you get out of med school, and doctors
who don't find time to relax get
malpractice suits. So you better learn
to relax now—it might get you into
med school.
"I have to take my grandma to the
Take her to the airport early, and then
come to the dance. Better yet, forget
the airport and take grandma to the
"/ don't have the money."
Just like homework, except here, we
don't have enough. It's not as if we're
trying to pay off tuition. $4 isn't much,
and bzzr is cheap too. If you're
desperate, go sing on Granville street.
So if you weren't at the dance, recall
what you did Friday night. Was it
worthwhile, fun and a great time? If
not, you should have come. You had
the opportunity and you missed it.
Orvin Lau - Science Senate Rep
Don Hitchen - Frosh City
Let us Remember Scott Prince
It was a shock to me to hear about Scott
Prince a couple of weeks ago. At first,
I was only disturbed by the tragedy of
his death and didn't realize that it was
the same Scott who worked right next
to me in Chem 203 lab last year. I
guess that mine is a perfect example of
how it is that we all cannot conceive
the fact that a friend of ours can pass
away so suddenly. I still bump into
people and ask them if they heard about
what happened to Scott. It's only then
that they realize that This Scott Prince
that passed away is the same Scott that
we all knew and liked.
Scott was killed in a car accident
involving a drunk driver who walked
away from the scene. I still cannot
accept the fact that Scott is gone but I
know that he lives within all the people
he knew. I know I will not forget the
Sanjay Parikh-SUS Executive
Every year, The 432 puts
out, for the SUS, a Summer
Guide that is mailed to each
science student.
The oppurtunity to edit and
produce such a guide is one
that shouldn't be passed up.
The experience you gain
from it is invaluable.
If anyone is interested in
editing the 1990 Summer
Guide, drop us a line down
here at Chem 160.
The No
Class <«««>
tjmM'iti uf ihi cznturu
January 31 1990 ^he^felentj
Okay, so we'*e eopykg to Ubyssey, So what?
Our uext issue ju&fc happens to eonte out ox* Valentin^ <iay, a*i<l
to eetefcr&te, we'll print your Valentine's message to your
Get in your gooey messages before February 10* and we*Jl print
$wm up in The 4$£ But harry - space is limited, and there*:* usually
a big response to trii^.
How mmh is It? It's free to everyone! Of course, if you want to
go over 40 words, itli cost you. The first 40 words are free, and.
every twenty words after that is only a quarter,
Yon can phone them in if you. want (228-4235X or you can. drop it
off at Chem 160, or mail it to us (Cheek out the credits for the
Bat hurry! Space is limited*
Questions For
Dan Quayle
Do gods dream? What would they ever
dream about?
And Canada Dry - it isn't. It's wet.
Come on. Who are they fooling?
What do people who use Right Guard
use for their left armpit? Seems kind of
discriminatory to me.
And I heard that there's some kind of
mouthwash out there that "fights tartar
below the gumline." How does that work
for the upper teeth?
We have schools of fish and flocks of
geese. What are people? Crowds of
people? Throngs of people? Or is it a
horde? Maybe we're divided up into further subgroups of people. A set of mathematicians. A porkbarrel of politicians. A
shitload of engineers.
Ever wonder what a herd offish would
Is a disk the male and a diskette the
Does God sweat?
Did Adam and Eve have navels? Did
they have last names? How did we get last
names then? What about Cain? Who did
he marry, anyway?
Did Noah collect two Kangaroos? How
did he ever get two cobras? Or ticks - why
in the world did he bother to collect ticks?
The poor guy must of had a terrible time
with the two grizzly bears.
Why two nostrils? Why not just one big
one? Then our noses would only run half
as much.
And it doesn' t look anything like Alaska,
even before it's baked.
Why do they call them Straits, anyway?
They're usually pretty crooked.
What bugs me is how, in one comic,
Archie is a football star, and in another
issue, he couldn't catch a pass if it was
delivered to him by Loomis. Why don't
they get it right? Is he a football player or
not? Is Veronica a snob or isn't she? And
why doesn't Betty let her hair down instead of that crummy pony tail. She looks
so much better with it down. Is it me, or
does Miss Beazly (in the cafeteria) look
like she hasn't taken a shower since the
second world war?
Or in the Sgt Rock comics or the
Unknown soldier comics, they have some
pretty sad Germans. I mean, they can't
even speak German for the love of Mike.
Here and there, they'll spout out a
Schweindhut, or a Gott, or even Mein
Gott, but that's it. Never once do you here
them say Meine Nase liegt in dem
Schrank, or something. Just ja Hoi, mein
Fuehrer this and nein, meine Fraulein
that. The strip writers aren't very original. Why do all the Germans have the
same name? I mean, Gerry isn't even
German. You think they'd call them Hans
or Adolf or something.
Hello out there? Why don't a few
of you send in some questions for
Dan Quayle. We're only getting a
few questions each issue* Don't
you know how much Dan Quayle
needs something to do? Besides,
there's a contest going on.
ew Shoots
Episode Seven: Memoriam
by David W. New
A friend of mine died on Wednesday.
We weren't close friends. We
weren't, really, all that good friends. We
never spoke for very long, although I
enjoyed it when we did. I knew little
about his life, and he knew little about
mine. He probably didn't even know I
thought of him as a friend.
He often arrived late to class,
clutching a cardboard box with his notes
in it, listening to who-knew-what on his
Walkman, clad in jeans and a heavy
metal T-shirt. I never even asked what
tape was playing.
He wasn't the best of students,
but he always pulled through. Somehow
he'd got to third year of an honours
program, and not every doughhead can
do that.
He was fun to razz, and fun to be
razzedby. Smiles and insulting scrapsof
paper passed between three of us students frequently, written under pretext
of class notes, under cover of the third
Once ■— in reply, I believe, to an
accusation of being a stalk of rhubarb—
I called him a watershed. (No, not an
outhouse. A watershedis a geographical
region drained by a specific river.) A
yellow 8V2 by 11 poster to this effect
went up in Physsoc immediately, and
stayed there for a month.
In late November, I wrote a parody of Bowie's "Space Oddity:" "This
is Ground Control to Watershed/You've
nearly missed the bus...." The only copy
found its way into his box. He waved it
about for a good five minutes, grinning
enormously, demanding to know who'd
written it, before someone told him.
He had a friend somewhere in the
Interior, to whom he made everyone he
knew write a letter. All we knew was her
name. She got the sheaf of papers just before Christmas. Apparently, she liked
them all and would be writing replies
He didn't return from summer
vacation right away this year. We worried for him, that he had been put on
Dean's vacation, that we wouldn'tget to
see him this year like we'd hoped. After
Christmas break, he didn't return right
away either, and again we hoped earnestly and anxiously for a week, worrying that he might not be back.
We were glad to be wrong in our
Last Monday, he helped save the
Physics display in Science Week. Eight
months of preparation had resulted in a
single videocassette and no TV, no signs,
no posters, no handouts, no displays, no
demonstrations, no lectures.... While I
tried to man a nonexistent booth, people
found paper to make a sign, posters and
textbooks, a television (at least for a
while), things to make it seem as if something ought to be at this table, even if
there wasn't.
From somewhere, he dug up an
oscilloscope and network of resistors,
and planted a Lissajous figure on the
desk. A boring application of Physics,
maybe, but something nobody else had
thought of. And something which gave us
a focus to talk about, so we weren't just a
store window.
I remember the first time I had a
conversation with him. We'd been
through all of Physics 120 together, barely
speaking if at all. That April, waiting for
the Chemistry final exam to start in
Wesbrook 100, he walked up to me and
asked if I'd be entering Honours Physics
the next year. "Astronomy-Physics," I
answered. "I guess you could count that.
There are four of us doing it."
"Really?" he replied, and named
three other prospective physicists. He
started talking about what the courses
next year would be like — I hadn't even
checked the calendar yet to find out what
they were. I earmarked him immediately
as the likely chair of the grad class.
Then we went into the exam, and
wrote it, and I went home, and I didn' t see
him again until September.
I remember the last time I had a
conversation with him. Last Tuesday, a
few third-years sat around and began discussing who would run for what executive position in Physsoc next year. President was grudgingly accepted, Librarian
volunteered for. We suggested that he
become fourth-year rep, or possibly SUS-
Physsoc liaison, in testimony to his ef
forts the previous day.
"I might not be back next year,
you know," he said cautiously. I thought
then, and I was probably right, that he was
referring to his grades — or if not that,
then to his waning enthusiasm for Physics, a problem endemic to the third-year
class. New interpretations galore spring
up — but I don't know anything about
how he died. Maybe it was a drunk driver.
Maybe it was a heart attack. Maybe it was
a cat scratch. The last thing I ever heard
him say was a mild reassurance that he'd
try to be back next year, like he always
had beforehand that he'd probably run for
something if he made it.
Then I headed off to SUB for
some lunch.
I don't know how Angus
McVickar died. I don't know when. I
don't know why. He passed away sometime on Wednesday, January 24th, 1989.
And that's all I know how to say.
And then I begin to cry.
If thou expect death as a friend,
prepare to entertain him; if as
an enemy, prepare to overcome
him.-Death has no advantage
except when he comes as a
stranger. -Quarks
He Whom the gods love, dies
young. -Menander '$aiiiif^^
.&^S'i*:><^sfir:-tS . x
by Don Hitchen
Literary Correspondent
to The 432
On Wednesday January 24th, Dr. David
Suzuki gave a commanding lecture in the
SUB auditorium. Suzuki's talk was both
one of despair and of inspiration. Suzuki
spoke of the state of extreme peril the
planet is in; in the face of all this hopelessness which we as a world face, one becomes inspired to act against the deterioration of our planet.
As a third generation Canadian,
Dr. Suzuki was stripped oif his rights and
incarcerated in 1942. When released, he
was given a choice: leave B.C. and go
west to the Orient, or go east of the
Rockies. The "anti-Jap" politicians of
British Columbia wanted no "Japs" in the
province. In the view of Canada, he
shared the genes as the enemy. In high-
school, Suzuki fell in love with genetics
and pursued a degree in zoology. When
Suzuki began to teach, he found students
would ask historical questions. Proud of
his chosen field, he researched the history
of genetics. He found that it was geneticists who legitimized the racist laws which
allowed his imprisonment. He found that
it was geneticists who rationalized the
death camps of Nazi Germany; furthermore, Josef Mengele (who oversaw
Auschwitz) was one of Germany's leading geneticists. Today, Suzuki is frightened by geneticists who revel in their
understanding and control of DNA, genetics, and the human race, yet are unaware of the history of genetics.
Although he is not presently practising, Suzuki still keeps in touch with the
scientific community. As a broadcaster,
he has become critical of his colleagues.
Due to the explosion of scientific input in
the 20th century, we have gained much
knowledge of the world around us: from
man walking on the moon to the deterioration of the environment. To study some
of the implications of these changes,
Suzuki travelled to the Amazon, Australia, Canada, the United States and Great
Britain. During these travels, he had
many opportunities to talk with scientists; out of these talks came one recurring truth, the planet is dying, and once
gone cannot be replaced.
Human population is exploding at
a rate of 90 million more people every
year. These people need food, clothing,
shelter, and air.
We are presently losing 500 billion tonnes of agricultural soil yearly.
Global food production has been decreasing all through the past decade. In the
past, many have looked to the ocean as a
last reserve of food. We are now learning
the oceans do not contain near the amount
of food we once thought they did. As
global population rises, global food reserves plummet. At this momnent there
are 40,000 children worldwide dying of
malnutrition. The problem of food scar
city is only going to get worse as global
population increases.
The great advances in technology
science has produced, comes with many
wastes and bi-products. Every five min
utes toxic waste crosses over some inter
national border and is dumped in a place
where public opposition will be minimal.
Last year the United States dumped a
billion pounds of toxic chemicals into the
air. Much of this waste produces acid
rain. These wastes also contribute to the
depletion of the ozone layer. Already
there is a growing hole in the ozone layer
over Antarctica. New Zealand has felt
the effects of this hole: food production is
down, and the number of skin cancer
cases have significantly increased. Thinning areas have now been detected in the
ozone layer over the arctic. Will Canada
be the next to fall victim to the detrimental effects of a depleting ozone layer?
The effects of global warming are endangering our coastlines. As the temperatures increase, the oceans expand making
the sea-level rise and the coasts flood.
Forest and wilderness lands are
near extinction. Forests are removed
from this planet at a rate of one acre per
second. Think about that, that is over two
and a half million acres since the beginning of this year. With these forests goes
the species of animals that inhabit them.
Twenty-thousand species of animals a
year are becoming extinct, two species
every hour, a rate Suzuki claims to be
by Ari Giligson
UfttiC quite recently I thought of myself
as a man. Now reality has set in and I know
that I not a man but a reptile.
Thursday night, after the SUS Trike race,
I got home and watched the news on CTV.
They had a segment on the tuition fee protest. They reported on a protest at SFU and
Robson square. They also showed 40-odd
people that constituted a "protest" outside
the Old Administration Building at UBC.
Since they were on campus, they also got
shots of our very successful Trike Race.
They asked many people why they weren't
at the protest. One person, whom they
showed on the air, was aware of the protest
and said, basically: what protest - we're
having fun here.
The spot made us look unconcerned with
the issue, ignorant and irresponsible.
In fact, I propose that the UBC protest was
a sham, hastily and poorly slopped together
by those who want R. J. Moorhouse elected
AMS President. The protest was poorly
advertised and attended mainly by a a close
group of R.J. supporters.
What the newspapers didn't bother to find
out was the the Trike Race date had been set
since June, that the race helps promote pubic
relations between students and faculty, that
that the race is a non-alcoholic environment
friendly, horiest-to-god fun event, and that
$432 (432-get it?) goes to a great cause - the
Children's Hospital.
Had the organizers of the "protest" been
putting together a real protest in fact rather
than in name, we would have gladly brought
people over after the race, if they had asked.
Had someone at CTV been doing their job
instead of throwing together a bunch of
video images to suit their own perception,
then they could have had two real stories
instead of one hokey one.
By the way, the Trike Race was a great
success (32 teams). Our thanks to the weather
gods who held off the rain, even though the
winds gods were feeling jocular.
Apparently, Ari thinks that
he's a reptile. How strange.
Suzuki Speaks
conservative. If the present rate keeps
up, there will be no forest or wilderness
areas (apart from what we lay aside as
nature reserves) remaining after thrity
Nature is dynamic; nature cannot
have one part of it destroyed and survive
without that part. If the forests go, so
does the food, and so does the human
race. Ours is the last generation that can
do anything about the wilderness. If we
are to have any hope, the nineties will
have to be the "turnaround decade."
Why are we faced with all these
problems? At the beginning of the 18th
century, global human population
reached the one billion mark.   It took
between 800,000 and 1,000,000 years
to reach this level. In the time since
that figure has doubled twice and has
now passed the five billion mark. Witf.
the population explosion has come an
explosion of technology. Most of the
technology we have today, has come
into being in the last century. This
combined explosion of population and
technology has created a surplus of
waste that is destroying the planet.
The distorted values the news
media have created is ludicrous. While
the world worries about three whales
trapped in the arctic ice, twenty-five
entire species of animals are disappearing a day. As the struggle to save
While trie world worrits aSottt three whales trapped in the arctic
ice, twenty-five entire species of animals  are disappearing a day.
a little girl trapped in a well captures the
lives of a continent, 40,000 children are
dying of malnutrition. One has to ask
how significant it is that Ben Johnson
took steroids, or that an artist is going to
squash a rat. Humans in general base
their values on visual images. This visual factor is the root of the problem. We
can visualize these trifling problems, but
we cannot visualize a hole in the ozone
layer, the consequences of the "greenhouse effect," dioxins in our water or
PCBs in our food.
As a species, we have thoughts,
ideas, and values. We cling tightly to
these ideas Suzuki calls "sacred truths"
without questioning them. Suzuki gives
many examples of these sacred truths.
One sacred truth is that all the
countries must become economically
connected, yet remain ecologically sep-
erate. The ecology is by far more important. The fundamentals of life on earth
are the air, water, soil, and bio-diversity.
We must learn to concern ourselves with
these and not the economics of the world.
Take the Exxon oil spill in Valdez, the
benefits of this spill were emphasized: it
created many jobs to clean up the spill,
favoured the Alaskan economy, and in-
creeased the United States G.N.P. This
type of attitude is absurd. World environmental commisions have determined
that to achieve an environmental turnaround, 150 billion dollars are needed
annually.  The United States' govern
ment spends one trillion dollars on defence yearly. For every twevle dollars the
Canadian government spends on the military, they spend only one dollar on the environment Dr. Suzuki suggests (to the
applause of the audience) that Brian Mu-
lroney reverse this ratio.
Politicians mark success by the
progression of steady growth. Nothing
on the planet can keep growing exponentially. We just cannot keep growing. In
response to the prospect of global warming, the Ministry of Energy announced
that we should reduce carbon emmsions
by twenty percent before the year 2004.
The option of conservation which would
require an initial investment of 74 billion
dollars by the public, would eventually
net a saving of 150 billion dollars. The
politicians have sat on this suggestion
and insist on the need for growth.
The third world, which contains
four billion people, wish to share the
benefits of the western world. Unless we
as a nation set an example and become
environmentally conscience, the third
world is going to follow in our footsteps
and further pollute the world.
Another sacred truth is that through
science we have gained enough knowledge to manage our resources successfully. We cannot reduce nature and then
put it back together again. The probabilistic universe in shich we live asserts that
a degree of unknowing exists. In no way
can we take the world apart and put it
back together like a jigsaw puzzle, especially when half the pieces are missing.
There are between ten and thirty
million species on earth. Of these species, we have labelled 1.4 million, and
understand the basic biology of next to
none of them. As scientists, we know
nothing about the biological world in
which we are part of.
There is a general notion that if society
encounters too much difficulty, science
will pull us out of it. We must realize the
limits of technology. One must remember that we are animals; try going two
minutes without breathihng air, a week
without water, or a month without food.
As animals, wer depend on all of these
primary elements for our mere existence. If these disruptions to the environment persist, we will not have these essen-
tiaals of life. We cannot take the environment for granted; the world is not a "cess
pool for our toxic waste."
Long piece, huh?
Super-environment conscious
Don Hitchen sleeps on a styro-
foam bed, and drinks Chlo-
rofluorocarbons for breakfast.
Hah, just kidding. Boy, this three
in the morning humour really
stinks. Dono is our Frosh-At-
Large. Be nice to him, or we'll
bite you on the ass.. IgSl^ri^
Dik Miller, Physical Plant
I never used to drink coffee. In fact,
I still can't stand the stuff, but since I
started working for UBC Physical Plant,
it's been one of those things I just can't
stop consuming. I finally figured out
why, a few days ago: the job induces
such a condition of torpor that unless
one ingests a lot of caffeine one falls into
a coma within a few days. Some of my
co-workers had not realized this fact,
and have been essentially brain dead for
the better part of a decade. Needless to
say, their conversation is less than enlightening.
My supervisor shambled into the
Physical Plant lounge, where I was just
finishing my seventeenth cup of Java for
the day. It was 10:30 in the morning. He
looked at me with what was either disinterest or complete lack of cognition and
produced an orange piece of paper.
"What's that?" tasked, pointing at
the paper. My hand was trembling dangerously from the caffeine. I resolved to
find another way to keep myself awake.
"It's a work order. Whaddya think?"
he replied listlessly.
I'd been on the job two weeks and
had never seen one. All I had been
commissioned to do was drive a back-
hoe across some grass several times,
replant the grass, then drive the backhoe
across it again. "Oh," I said. "What's it
He scanned it. "Some bunch of yahoos at the. ..er.. .Science Undergraduate
Something-or-other want their lock
"How come?"
"It doesn't work."
"I see."
"You're on the job," he said, handing me the work order.
"But I've neverchanged a lock in my
life!" I tactfully neglected to mention
that as a private eye I had probably
picked more locks than there were in all
of Switzerland.
"You're on the case." The supervisor left.
I downed the rest of my coffee and
grabbed my overalls.
Fifteen minutes later I was walking
up to the Chemistry building. I looked
down at the work order and noticed that
it had been filled out two months before.
I shrugged. Bureaucracy, I thought.
I passed a mob of students swarming
up the stairs and found my way down to
room 160. Outside was a harried-look-
ing woman with huge, rolled-up posters
under her arms. She looked at me.
"Oh God, I'm glad you're here," she
"I'm not God," I replied.
"Stop that. Can you get me in?"
"Sorry?" I replied. "What exactly do
you mean by that?"
"Are you insane? Are you brain dead?
I've locked myself out and I need to get
in before my arms fall off from carrying
these posters."
I looked at her quizzically. "Who are
you anyway?"
"I'm Antonia, the SUS External Vice
President. Will you let me in now?"
"Uh...sure."Ireachedintomy toolkit
and brought out my Dik Miller™ crow
bar/torsion wrench/lock pick/swizzle
stick ($59.95 plus applicable sales tax).
"Are you sure you couldn't just use a
key?" she said.
"Look, lady. This is my job. I know
what I'm doing. Just let me do it."
"Excuse me. I didn't realize you were
such a lock wizard."
"That's what I'm paid for," I smirked.
And damn well too, I thought to myself,
especially considering I have no idea
how to fix the lock once I get it open. I approached the door and with a quick twist
and a violent, disturbing, crackling, popping sound from the door frame, the office was open.
"Thank you so much," the woman
sighed. "I don't know how I could have
done this without you."
She went in, and I bent down to examine the lock. It was pretty well a write-off,
which was good since I was supposed to
be replacing it anyway.
"What seems to be wrong with it?" I
heard a voice ask. I turned around to see
a bearded man wearing a Science cardigan and a striped tie which was horribly
mismatched to his differently-striped
"It's broken," I replied.
"What would have broken it?" he
"Probably my crow bar when I used it
to get your vice president in here."
He looked blank for a second, then
walked into the office. "Antonia, did you
lock yourself out again?"
I tuned their conversation out and
looked at the lock again. I surmised that
replacing it would be the simplest procedure. Fortunately, I had brought along a
spare lock. My Dik Miller™ wood auger/
Mere minutes later the old lock was a
smoldering hunk of slag lying on the
floor (and, I was to discover, leaving a
nasty black mark on the floor sure to
endure for years to come). I picked up the
new lock and set it in place. Then I
realized something, and I turned to the
people inside.
"Would you happen to have a screwdriver?"
Two hours later, the lock was finally
installed. I had had to requisition a some
steel plating to cover the holes I had left
when opening the door and removing the
old lock. During the hour it took to deliver the plates, I had taken a coffee break.
The new lock sat slightly askew so that
the door had to be lifted awkwardly each
time it was opened or closed, and whether
it was locked or not, if the person on
either side of the closed door was not
strong enough to lift it he or she was stuck
there. But it worked.
Just as I was packing up, a blonde
woman (dressed mighty stylishly, I might
add) walked in with a similarly-dressed
man in tow. She stared at the door.
"Oh my God, that is so ugly," she
The bearded man walked up to her.
"Catherine, they just finished fixing it,
and it works, so don't complain."
She stared at him. "Ari, I cdiCtbelieve
that you wore a striped tie with a striped
shirt again! Auuugh!"
I thought this would be an opportune
time to leave, so I did.
"Emergency requisition form."
"What for?"
"The Science Undergrad Screwballs
"You forgot to give them a key."
Oh well. Another week in the life of
Dik Miller, Physical Plant.
-■ *** *qMWi8aBWBM^^
That's Trivial
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! Now that That's Trivial has
become a regular thing for the 432, it's
time to expand into the world of friendly
competition. So here it is! The first
annual That's Trivial Contest!
How does it work? Simple! Just answer
the following questions. You get different point value for each question, and the
person who submits the most correct
answers (and most points) wins a wonderful T-Shirt!
There is also a section for those that are
creative: lots of points can be won here
if you can come up with an original
answer to the last five questions.
Entries must be received before March
1,1990. Please drop them off in Chem
160 or mail them:
The 432
c/o Dean of Science
Room 1507, BioSciences Bldg.
University of British Columbia
Vancouver BC
V6T 1W5
Good Luck!
1-10: Easy -Worth one point each.
1. How old is the Map Library?
2. How tall is the Clock Tower?
3. Exactly how many books are in all the
libraries of UBC?
4. What is the average weight of a
5. When was Sedgewick born?
6. Who won the Div II Ball Hockey
Championship last term?
7. How many stories are there in the
Buchanan Tower?
8. How much does a pound weigh?
9. How many condoms does the Soviet
Union go through in a fortnight?
10. How long is a cubit?
11-15: Medium - Worth two points each.
11. How wide is the waistof Ari Giligson,
in nanocubits.
12. What is the average lung capacity of
an African Sparrow?
13. How tall is the Vancouver Planetarium?
14. How many parking spots are there in
all the parking lots of UBC?
15. What was the first headline story of
The 432?
16-20: Hard - Worth three points each:
16. What is the editor's real IQ?
17. Who is Annie?
18. What was the UBC Engineer's first
19. How many bald people are there on
20. How much does Caireen weigh?
Interpretive Questions: Points given
according to originality (max of5 points
per question),
21. What is the most random number?
22. On average, what time is it?
23. What colour is a fart?
24. Who caused the San Francisco Earthquake?
25. Who is taller: Bigfoot or Yeti?
Bonus Question: Worth 1-10 points.
What is the best way to breed rocks? The Valentine's issue is next! Thp 432 will print your message in the February 14 edition at no charge!
Some Definitions For Those
Otherwise Incomprehensible
Science Terms.
r A Collection of "
by Aaron Drake, Cafreen Hanert>
A Complex, of Psychologists
: A Ctoadof Theoretical Meteorologists
A Shower of Applied Meteorologists
:A Field of S*hy$icJ$ts
A Set of mathematicians.
A Sample of StaUsHclans
A Sh&bad of Engineers
A Banco of Artsies
A Team of JPhysM Majors    •
A Block of Architects
A Range of Oeographtss
A Layer of ArchooJogitsfe
A Lot of Rectos
A Oaksy of Astronomers
A Colony of Microbiologists
An Array of Oampttter Scientists
by Aaron Drake and Caireen Hanert
Acetic Acid - Redundant. All Acid is acetic
Sun Feb 4, 3
Sun Feb11, S
Sun Mar 4, 9 pm
Men of Deabh
pro Fubai:
Dekes 1
Tue Mar 6, 7 pm vs Com Sci 1
Sun Marl8, 9 pra Fusion Masters
Science Week
Congratulations to Ihe Big Money winners
of the CompSci Car rally. First place went
to Antonia Rozario, who drove a gallant
Chevy Impala. Who said the art of large
boats is dead? Second place went to Ken
Strang who drove a cool Mustang. Third
place went to a real dark horse - congratulations to Catherine Rankel in her Toyota
Tercel, and merry band of minstrels.
Thanks to each and every one of you that
helped out at Science Week. May you wake
up one morning and find that you are, in
reality, a god who was having a bad dream.
Stacey F: Perhaps class is not the most appropriate time for reading a newspaper
(even if it is The 432). D.H.
Ari. Alan Phoned. It's important.
Thanks to each and every one of you that
helped out at Science Week. May all your
children be born into weallh.
Don't forget the No Class Bash on
Wednesday, Feb 14,1990, from 4:30 to
8:30, in the SUB Partyroom.
Manuel. Thanks but no thanks. David
Department of Physiology seminar: Dr
McCrea from the University of Manitoba on
Recent Observations on Reflex Pathways
From Group 2 Muscle Spindle Afferent.
Monday, Feb 5, IRC Lecture Hall #5.
Oceanography presents Ken Reimer,
from Royal Roads Military College,on
Arsenic and Antimony Biochemistry: The
Importance of Chemical Speciation. 3:30,
Room 1465 BioSciences Bldg, February 6
(Tuesday). Thanks.
Biochemistry and Moleculare Biology Discussion Group will present a seminar by Dr.
D Harold Copp, Professor Emritus of UBC:
The Calcitonin Story. Monday, February 5,
3:45 pm in Lecture Hall #4. IRC.
Pre-Med Society February Lectures will
be held on Tuesdays at 12:30, in Wood 1.
On Feb 6, Dr Ferris will be speaking on
Forensic Pathology, while Feb 13 's lecture
will be "If You Want a Girl Like Me," a
bioethics film on the treatment ofseverely
handicapped infants.
Moral High Ground. Various AMS Council
A good comeback, Wait, I guess it's too
late by now.Change that to: 'a good left
Facial hair. Please. Just for a while, so I
know what it's like. Any first year.
Arc Length
Fourier Analysis
Improper Integral
Kirchhoff's Law
Magnetic Moment
Monte Carlo Method
Odd Function
Radioactive Dating
Relativistic Time Dilation
- 40 cubits by 40 cubits by 80 cubits
- A very stupid particle
- Person on a bus
- Pen in which cattle are kept
- very damped oscillations
- ten dents
- Process of buying hides.
- Very large sugar
-Half of a giggle
- Measure of Candy Bars (eg- O Henry)
- Frowned upon in conservative fields
- You cannot sneeze with your eyes open.
- An American tourist
- The climax of a Harlequinn Romance
- Device to gauge sexism
-1 bet you the answer's six
- Any function that gives the wrong answer
- A plutonic relationship
- when your aunt won't leave
-Unit to measure circumference
I AKmatedaliseoi^righteiliaihettsme
of theaninor. Ifnoname tsaffixedto
the article, it is eopyifgbi&i in the
name: of Aaron Drake.
That's the way it was,
Wednesday January 3i, 1990
c/o Dean of Science
'■ fcaoat X507, BioSrieaces Biag
University of British Columbia
Vancouver BC
Wrifeses: Aaron t&ake, Taaya Rose,.
Ari Giligson, Saajay **«rikh, Enissi
Patrick Redding, Cafr$e» Hanert,
Angus McYtekar, David New; An-
loaia Rozario* Albert Einstein
Artists: Ken0«en Payla Poicarova
Layout/Pa$ieup/Editing; Sanjay
Parikhi Dos Hiidwau Orvin. tau,
D^k Milter, Aaron Drake
Printed by College Printer
That's it I'm not printing anything
funny again in tny life. The 432 is
going to become a Journal of New
De^iopments in Sca&logy* Deal
with it. Yon know why? Caase you
ain't submitting anything* So submit*
darn it.
Authors wish to remain anonymous,
Ed's note: Hey, this ain't getting
copyrighted in my name.
Rats move through my brain
Eating the neurons of my life
Oh God it hurts bad
My big toe is white
My hair it's so very dark
Dead men do not snore
A sick duck vomits
The wind will catch its murmur
Then I may be cleansed
Fish of the ocean
Brothers of my loving soul
Do I smell to thee?
Idiots arrive
Bringing assorted grommets
The grout blinds us all
A field of paisley
Dances on my rin tin tin
Can you picture it
My homework is due
Really I have to ask who
Gives a fat rat's ass
(Ed's note: that last puppy's mine)
A Public Service (Message
Apathy. The Scourge of University Life. The fact that
students refuse to move on anything reflects a greater...
Forget it.
The 432
January 31,1990 Valenitine's day is coming! Valentine's day is coming!
This is a requiem.
This is for the faceless and the wandering, those who trickle
through the crowds, hunched shoulders, and short steps.
And their masks. Our masks - the one that everyone carries in the
inside coat pocket to wear at the appropriate time. We'll swear to our
grave that, no, this is the real face you see. The way you talk, the way
you carry yourself, none of that is made up as part of your wall.
It's very seldom that the masks come down, and you can catch a
glimpse, mostly from the corner of your eye, of the real face
But, I'll tell you...if you wait, or if you sit very still and quietly, you
can just see the skin underneath, behind the shadows of the mask. If
you listen carefully enough, you can hear the real voice. I'll tell you
what every voice is saying, one way or another.
/ don't want to die alone.
1 It's a silent scream, a nagging fear that is never faced, unless you're
grabbed by the collar and shoved face first into it. Listen: you're
mortal. You can fake it, you can act it differently, but the pliiy always
ends the same way.
It's our greatest fear to be alone and unloved. Immortality comes
only in the memories of those that knew us and loved us. With them
comes the irrefutable claim, that which withstands the aching batter
of time: I was real. I made a difference.
There was an old man living on a planet made of rock. He was
alone on a desolate, empty world, without colours or light or even
sound. He was dying - every breath he took betrayed it. Every ache in
his body warned him. When he saw, off in the distant fog, a lone
figure shuffling/towards him, the cold black robes flapping in the
silent wind, he went into his small hut. Inside, were his only possessions, a hammer and chisel.
As the old man in the mist shuffled towards him, he bent down to
the damp rock. It was cold; in this world that was all there was.
And he chiseled in the cold rock two words.
/ am.
Leases hape their time
to fail, and flowers
wither at the 9{prth
wind's Breath and stars
to set - But all, thou hast
ait seasons for thine own
- O death!
-'j-utcta in
Inn nniKBfflmapiry ©if Amgnns
The rest is silence.
About Buying Computers
by Angus McVickar
(For 'halfbreeed', read 'compatible'; for
'crash', read 'program')
Having spent at least a semester at UBC,
many of you could be thinking that a
personal computer would greatly aid you
in your studies. This is the first of apairof
articles to help you find the right PC. This
week's article is concerned with a brief
discussion of the various types of com-
puteres on the market.
To start, I think it's best to make clear
exactly waht a computer is. It is defined
in the dictionary as "a bottomless pit into
which you unconsciously pour money."
Many people, however, see it as the ideal,
uncomplaining scapegoat, eg. "the computer billed too much", or, "the launch
was delayed due to computer malfunction" (meaning one of the astronauts got
the willies and wouldn't go up.)
My rundown begins with the IBM (Inane
Baloney Manufacturer). IBM is the big
boy in computers, chiefly becasue it has
been around since the year dot and people
are afraid to buy anything they have never
heard of. I think the birth of IBM is
written in the Bible.
"And the Almighty and Benevolent
Computer God was bored, and so He
said, 'Let there be man.' And man was,
and God saw that man was good. B ut man
was bored and he asked God for some
company. And God created the IBM and
said, 'Go forth and multiply.'" (The man
probably said, 'That's not quite what I
had in mind but I guess I'll do it. At least
But eventually, when God saw that not
every one could afford IBM's he said
"T M thprp. hp. hnlf-hrppils "
The 432
Some of the half-breeds could not
(legally) claim to be just like IBMs, so the
IBMcompatiblepercentage was invented.
Here we come to the first theorem of
computer buying:
Theorem I (Incompatibility Theorem): If your halfbreed is 80% compatible, and you have 10 pieces of software
which are written for an IBM system,
only the eightpieces which you will never
need will run on your halfbreed.
Moving on to the Apple. These machines make very good paper weights
due to their generally compact size; in
fact, it is often recommended that you use
the computer to hold down the ten loose
sheets of documentation that you get with
In particular, Macintosh is Apple's
major contender in the PC game. This
computer is designed so any fool can use
it. Strange enough, only fools use Macintoshes. Apple thwarted hackers by making it difficult to get a reallly interesting
crash running by having a little message
appear, when the system is about to go
down, to the effect of "Fatal Error: Today
is Wednesday. I think it's best that I crash
now. Bye!"
Moving on quickly to a compouter that
is very poppular in Europe: Amstrad - the
IBM of Europe. This is largely because
IBM is American, and Europeans don't
like Americans. Beware! Amstrad, being
European, may have communist connections.
Hurtling on, we come to Atari. These
are the schizophrenics of the PC world.
At last count, the old generation (prior to
the520ST) DOS versions numbered 1500
or so. I think this was because every time
someone wrote a new piece of software
for the computer, they wrote it to use a
new version of DOS (which, incidentally, they also released for sale along
with the new program). The newer machines are better in this respect.
If you are into programming, the new
machines are for you. I am told that you
can easily produce a crash that can do
more damage to a hard drive than a team
of college football players armed with
sledge hammers in less time than it takes
to stop the program. This is the mark of a
powerful computer.
Commodore. This is a company which
had produced good machines like PET,
Vic, and the 64 for years and recently has
started building computers, too. The
Amigas are at the cutting edge of technology. These computers are a good deal,
they comeequppied with memory.aCPU,
a keyboard, and a power supply, all at no
extra cost.
The graphics capabilities of this ma-
chinearephenomenal. I'm sureeveryone
has seen the famous bounicng ball demo,
but I'll bet not as many have seen the infamous "Judy's Bouncing Balls" demo.
This demo shows off the 20 or 30 skin
tones available, better than any other I
have seen. Animation is very simple, and
in a matter of minutes, you can have the
whole screeen ablaze with flashing colours and moving shapes. Amigas are
popular among LSD addicts.
Timex-Sinclair. What can I say?
Tandy (Radio Shack). The ever-popular Colour Computer line has been
heating homes across North America for
ten yeaars now (I once warmed spaghetti
on the power supply of mine). Tandy is a
wise choice for any prospective buyer.
The reason for this is that since Radio
Shck in Canada became Canadian controlled, they have introduced some bold
new policies:
1. If it sells well, lower the price.
2. If it sells really well, change it.
3. if it sells to the point that you have
trouble keeping up to demand, discontinue it.
Tandy is one of the few companies
which offers documentation in both of
our official languages. The Colour Computer line offers over three and a half
pounds of documentation in English. The
French documentation weighs around an
ounce, which goes to show how much
more concise a language it is.
Tandy also sells a complete line of
halfbreeds which range from IBM mother
boaard copyright violations to those which
are just plain awkward to use (disk drive
opening at the back, 1 foot long power
cable, tape driven DOS boot, etc).
At the upper end of their lines are
machines which are only seen in the catalogue because the average franchise
cannot get one in for display. These
machines, at one point, offered French
and English prompting in the software,
which explains why they only sold well
in Cnetral America and Argentina.
I hope that this article has proved to be
informative. Stay tuned next issue for a
discussion on basic principles of software selection and advice on how to
tackle salespeople
On Wednesday, January 24,
1990, Angus McVickar died. He
was in his thirdd year of
Honours Physics - CompSci
January 31 1990


Citation Scheme:


Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics



Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            async >
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:


Related Items