UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Sep 21, 1992

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■■■■ lMBltfU HKL,U MJM
The Newspaper For Science Students        Vol 6No2f 21 Sept '92
Why is Thud necessary?
In truth, we're not quite sure.
It just seemed like a swell idea
at the time, and a new, fresh
approach to the art of cutting
other people down. Nineties
But what really did it was an
article on the comics page of
Monday's Financial Post.
Apparently, the Canadian government used a public opinion
poll to have the beaver, Canada's
national animal, removed from
the five-cent coin and replaced
with world-famous Family
Circus character Barfy. One-
third of adults surveyed stressed
that we should "hang that twit
Mulroney from the Commons
flagpole by his ying-yang," and
at least half said that the poll
was "a bloody waste of time,
'cuz now I'm not gonna make it
to the drugstore in time to play
6/49. Bigbigbigbigbigbigbig,
But this paper is based on a
completely different concept. If
you have a rare foot disease,
crooked teeth, a column in the
Ubyssey or anything else that
might suggest you don't really
think about working on a newspaper, then Thud is for you.
This is just a beginning. (Of
course, it may very well be the
end as well, but we won't tell if
you won't.
Thud is just a idea. A sound
effect from a Batman comic. It
needs you to make it happen.
Not fuckin' likely.
SUS to hold Election with
hypothetical candidates
The Science Undergrad is
having its 92/93 Year and
Department Rep Elections in
early October. The nominations for the 33 positions are
being accepted now in CHEM
160, the SUS office. The
deadline is Wednesday
September 23rd, at 5:30pm in
the SUS office. We need three
4th year reps, three 3rd years,
three 2nd years and last but not
least, two 1st years. There are
also positions for the departments, which include:
Biochemistry, Chemistry,
Physics, Psychology etc. In
order to be eligible to be a
department rep, you have to be
in that department's major or
honors program. So, sorry to
you first year keeners, but you
can't, go for those positions.
For those wondering, the
duties of these "officers of
Council" are:
• to regularly attend Council
• to regualrly attend Academic
Coucil meetings;
• to announce, in class, and
post banners and posters for
upcoming SUS events as
requested by council;
• to attend the Faculty of
Science meetings as representatives of their year;
• to regularly attend Grad
Class meetings if you are a
4th year rep; and
• to submit end of the year rec
ommendations by April 1st,
SUS Council, in addition to
being a place of work, is also a
great place to meet people. So,
if you have some spare time,
come into CHEM 160 and
grab a nomination form or sign
up for a committee. You
won't regret it!
SUS/ETJS border skirmish r.aises
tension, threatens peace
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
VANCOUVER (Reuters) -
Relations between the Science
and Engineering
Undergraduate Societies of
UBC suffered a blow last week
when "limited acts of aggression" were reported to have
occurred between the two factions.
According to SUS
Executive Secretary Stewart
Hung, "an incident took place
last week, during which certain
sensitive pieces of property
were removed" from each faculty by the other. Few other
official details were available
at press time, other than that
the affair "holds serious implications for the future of
SUS/EUS relations."
Witnesses to the skirmish
claimed that it occurred at the
Essentially UBC first-year
information function, taking
place at Place Vanier
Residence. A cement replica of
the Engineers' Cairn was
removed from the Applied
Science display, alledgedly by
SUS personnel.
Georox President Mark
Montgomery protested fiercely, but promised no further
action on the matter if the
Caim was promptly returned.
"Yeah, they brought it back
just like the 'geers asked,"
commented SUS President
Carmen McKnight. "I mean,
they didn't specify what color
it had to be when it came back,
but they did give it back. So in
my opinion, the thieves lived
up to their end of the bargain... I think. Besides, it
looks so much prettier in
However, the official SUS
flag was stolen soon after,
which has to date not been
returned or ransomed. No suspects haveyet been detained by
SUS. Investigations continue.
"Yes, things are a bit delicate at the moment," commented SUS External Vice-
President Roger Watts. "We
hope to achieve a reasonable
compromise soon, through civilized and diplomatic means. If
not, I guess we'll just have to
settle for bloodthirsty war, like
in the good ol' days.. .uh, you
aren't gonna print that last bit,
are you?"
Electrical Engineering Beer
Demi-God Johan Thornton
was drunk and in jail at press
time, and was consequently
unavailable for comment.
"Oo! Man, that's annoying... hey, Bob? Grab a newspaper or somethin'. I can
feel something crawling around on my shoulder...just smack it off, will ya?"
68030    95820 The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 2 jf 21 Sept '92
Safari and the Shrum Bowl
Octet 'fy&K V&*
^^m Vetera
My life recently took a turn
for the peachy. I discovered
that my rate of consumption of
Half n' Half was exceeding its
rate of curdling — in other
words, I'm actually drinking
enough coffee to have the only
fridge on campus in which the
Half n' Half isn't in a congealed block. Not a good
Anyway, it's now time for a
few things that I decided you
should know. (Don't blame
me. Have a chat with the 2%
of all Science students who
actually voted for me). Here
1) It is actually possible to
flush an electric razor down a
toilet. Accidentally, even. My
roommate succeeded in doing
so this morning. We're
allegedly getting it fixed
tomorrow, but I've begun to
suspect that the Housing work
orders are actually just
bleached and turned into that
famous rez single-ply bathroom sandpaper. Fortunately,
this whole situation frees up a
lot of otherwise committed
Purex Pillowy Soft (from our
own stash, of course) forthe
purpose of initiating my quad-
mate to the joys of a bare
Gillette. Funny how things
work out. (Girls, you may
think you understand that one,
what with shaving yer legs n'
all. However, as a former competitive swimmer, let me tell
you that a calf nick is pretty
trivial in comparison to a good
throat wound).
2) The most hazardous piece
of furniture known to man, at
least on first acquaintance, has
to be a loft (ie. a bunk bed with
no lower bunk). I installed one
last weekend. My first night at
altitude, I overslept. In my
haste, I sat up quickly, forgetting that I was now two full
metres closer to my ceiling.
Ow. However, those of you
with a good memory will
recall that SUS ExVP Roger
Watts built a similar structure
last year. I managed my first
early-morning plummet without quite as much carnage, so
life's pretty okay, I guess.
3) I was at the Shrum Bowl
last weekend. I confess: I had
someone paint a big yellow
thunderbolt down the middle
of my face, and I didn't act
like a proper UBC student I
think I may have participated
in a cheer or two. The horror
Anyway, I'll try not to steal
any of the thunder from
Roger's article later in this
issue. But, for those of you
who've never been to the
Shrum Bowl, it's quite an
experience. Don't go for the
football — it's unlikely that
you'll be able to pay attention
to the game anyway. Go for
the "group dynamics". Imagine
the results when you assemble
a mob of hosed guys — many
of whom are in pituitary overdrive anyway — and let them
participate in the good old
"male bonding" tradition of
going to a football game. Let's
just say that it provided a good
justification for exploring the
idea of "effective versus real
I'm told that in past years,
the RCMP have maintained a
10-metre "No Man's Land"
between SFU and UBC fans.
The thinking this year was
possibly that, were "the Wall"
to come down, we'd all
become nice and happy and
docile, and maybe even negotiate an economic union or two.
It worked in Eastern Europe,
but the organizers forgot that
only in Alberta do football
players and politics mix (with
results that, well, grunt for
I admit it I felt the call. You
really do get an overriding
urge to do something childish
and stupid (later, the official
excuse for this will be that
one's nards merrily produced a
wee bit too much testosterone).
Even with a clear head water
balloon bombardment still
sounds like a lot of fun, but in
the heat of the moment it actually didn't seem at all stupid.
(I'm not above doing stupid
things — but I do take them
for what they are.) Must have
been one of those impulses
arising from the brainstem. I
think forebrain functions
kicked back in when I watched
our ExVP Roger sack some
SFU moron in a kilt, and then
get face-planted under roughly
two dozen similarly non-reasoning "primal man"-type
UBC fans. After this particular
incident, UBC and SFU fans
began to "male bond" with
each other vigourously, resulting in several ejections from
the stadium.
In the midst of my personal
self-discovery at the Shrum
Bowl, I think I discovered the
essence of the male psyche.
And I'd like to end the article
on that note. It can be summarized in a few short lines of
verse, which are at once poetic
and primal, as well as touching.
... and sensitive. Here goes:
"I'm an asshole!
I'm an asshole!
And all my friends are assholes too!
But I'd rather be an asshole
Than a butt-fucHn' SFU!"
Q\   CD   +\>   \
Notice To All SUS Hacks!
SUS Council will be meeting at 1:30
pm on Tuesday, September22m SUB
206 (the Council Chambers).
Just so's ya know when to come in
and say "baaaaah!" for us, 'n all. Vol6No2 X 2lSept'92   The Four Thirty-Two
Social Diseases
The Bogeyman Revisited
Roger Watts
SUS ExVP and SoCo
Welcome to the most important part of this newspaper.
This is the little bit where I get
serious for a minute (yeah,
right) and tell you about all the
wonderful wonderful events
that SUS puts on over the
course of the year. In other
words, if you're ever really
hard up for an excuse not to
study Microbi, this is the first
place you should look.
I'd just like to begin by saying that no less than sixteen
people have signed their lives
away to the SUS Social
Committee in the last week,
and believe me, that's an army
in this neck of the woods. Way
to go, troops! If anyone else:
out there is interested in helping put on dances and the like,
feel free to come by and chat
(I'm in MWF 10:30-11:30), or
drop a short note (ie. contract
signed in blood) in my box,
down in the SUS Office. (And
it better be your own blood -
pinching rat's blood from your
Vertebrate Bi lab doesn't
Or, if you want, just show
up at SUS at 7:00 on Tuesday,
September 22nd. We're having
a Decorating Party for the float
that we'll be running in the
Homecoming Parade on
Thursday, and I'm sure there
will be ample refreshments
(say, pizza n' pop n' maybe:
even a little bzzr) for all the:
kind folks that show up and
help out. If you can't make it
Tuesday, be sure not to miiis
the parade itself on Thursday.
It promises to be a beauty -
trust me. (Ooo! Look!
Foreshadowing! And you
thought you took English 100
for nothing!) We'd love to see
Science support out there, so
show your spirit and come on
out. Strength in numbers and
And last, but oh so certainly
not least, be sure to attend the
first Science Bzzr Garden, on
Wednesday, September 23rd,
in the SUB Partyroom. The
amber nectar starts flowing at
4:32 pm sharp (natch!), and for
a mere loonie a cup, it's the
best buy in town. So come on
by and have a few (dozen) on
the way to the Pit. And that's
about it, really - see you
Thursday! (And Tuesday, too.)
When you were growing up,
did your parents ever tell you
that if you didn't behave, some
malevolent creature would
come and get you? Well, they
were only partly right; whether
you're angelic or downright
awful by society's standards,
at some point in your life the
bogeyman will get you. You
don't grow out of it, you grow
into it. When you're a kid, the
bogeyman is some variation on
the old geezer with three teeth
and Swiss army knives for
hands who eats kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But
now you're older and more
sophisticated. So is he. For
some of us, he's the prof
whose approval or lack thereof
could make the difference
between med school and flipping burgers for the rest of our
lives. For others, he's the cop
in the rearview mirror or the
parents of a prospective
boy/girlfriend.  However, for
an uncomfortably high percentage of us, he's the faceless
man who lurks in the bushes as
we walk around campus at
That last one we can do
something about, which is one
of the reasons that I am a volunteer coordinator for the
AMS Walk Home Program.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, Walk Home is a
two-year-old program whose
purpose is to help people (no,
it's not just for women) feel
more comfortable on campus
at night by escorting them
from one place to another.
In case you didn't notice,
the key word in that paragraph
is "volunteer". (We want you!
We want you!! We want you
as a new recruit!) Why should
you volunteer? You mean that
the fact that I'm asking you
politely (please, pretty please?)
isn't enough? How about the
FREE T-shirts? How about
the fact that it looks pretty
darned neat on a resume?
Satisfied yet? How about
exercise? How about studying
(or whatever) between walks?
Still not enough? Okay,
you've forced me to bring out
the heavy artillery: how about
meeting new people? If Walk
Home isn't one of the best
ways in the known universe to
meet relatively sane, occasionally available people, I don't
know what is. You might even
meet me. What more could
you ask?
To volunteer, contact
Caireen (the D of A) at 822-
3961 or drop us a note in SUB
-A special
edition of
Jurgen Thud—Founder
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and Executive Scapegoat
Contributing Writers Leona Adams, Janice Boyle,
Lica Chut, Aaron Drake, Zain Khandwala, Patrick
Lum, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Chris Sing,
Sarah Thornton, and with me as always Is Rag.
Party on, Rog.
ART    and    DESIGN
Layout RyanMcCuaig
Contributing Artists Michael Chow,
Aaron Drake, Roger Watts.
Desktop Production Claude and Wile E.
Printer CollegePrinters, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Fish-ent Distributors, Inc.
21 SnptDmbBr 1 Sm, Vol 6, No 2
r/» 4Jf is put»sM Mly by tie Sce.xB Undergraduate Socety of
UBC, Somewhere close to Main Mail and University Bhrd. We generaly
make cuts hats out of our mail, especially the politically correct stuff, so
donl bother sending any.
The Truth about Science Week '93
SoJ8h Thomion     denial. I tried to make him
Science Week Coordinator
Just the other night, (Last
Friday, in fact), while standing
around at some social function
(the AMS BBQ, I think it
was), I happened to be talking
to this good friend of mine. I
noticed he was beginning to
show the time-tested signs of
inebriation. When I told him
that Science Week '93 was in
the planning stages and shaping up to be a great time for
all, he roundly denied that fact.
Let me recount our conversation for you:
Sarah: Hey Phil, did you know
that Science Week '93 is
coming in the third week
of January (the 18th to (he
22nd, actually), and it's
going to be great this
Phil: Say what? No way.
There ain' t no such thing
as Science Week.
There he went, displaying
the first sign of inebriation —
he was entering the stage of
understand that Science Week
really will be a reality, but he
would have none of it — in
fact, he began to deny its possibility vehemently.
Phil: I'm telling you, there is
no such thing as a Science
Week! Now shut up about
it already! (Takes bite out
of TuffCup™, and growls.)
Things were getting a little
out of hand — the violence
was beginning to frighten me.
Phil had entered the second
classic stage of drunkenness —
he was showing massive agression!
But still I persevered.
Ducking in under his swatting
hands (he was clearing little
floating fat people from around
his head), I hit him my evidence: timetables, letters of
approval, and glowing reports
from the clubs organizing the
annual event.
Sarah: Well just look at this;
Science Week (duck!) will
be held from the 18th to
the 22nd of January 1993.
There will be lots of fun
events to participate in,
such as the Microbi
(duck!) Home Brew contest, the Chemistry Magic
Show, the CompSci Car
Rally, the BioSoc Gyotaku
(fish printing), and the
ever-exciting Trike Race!
(duck!) Not only are there
these special events from
the clubs, but each club
will strut its stuff in a
poster display on SUB
concourse for the week.
There will be (duck!)
exciting guest lectures,
and special science-related movies in SUB
Auditorium (like "The Fly
II", or "Alien 3" perhaps). And, of course, to
top off the week, the SCIENCE WEEK DANCE on
the Friday night—just
right for getting rid of
those January blues. You
will come out to it, won't
you, Phil?
Here I stopped because I'd
noticed that Phil's countenance
had become more and more
credulous throughout my bar
rage. He was no longer aggressively denying the possibility
of Science Week. In fact, he
was beginning to believe me.
Phil: You know, Sarah, you
might be right. There will
be a stupendous Science
Week in January if you
have anything to do with
And so, Phil had finally
entered the stage of acceptance: he finally realized that
he was as pissed as a newt, and
that Science Week '93 would
be the best thing to hit campus
this year.
Last came commitment: Phil
promised to come out to
CHEM 160 (the SUS office)
and help with the organization
of certain events. I hope you
will too! Any questions, call
the SUS office at 822-4325
and ask for Carmen or Roger
(or Sarah, but I'm rarely
around) or better yet, come to
our bi-weekly meetings
Tuesdays at 1:30 in SUS. The Four Thirty-Twi*   Vol 6 No 2 $ 21 Sept '92
Schroedingerf s Fridge
My freezer bit me.
I'm not kidding. It bit me.
Our freezer, presumably built
when it was in vogue to build
freezers that don't work, grew
teeth — big giant fangs of ice
— and it bit me when I was
going for the Haagen Dazs.
My freezer not only frosted
up, but stalagmites and stalactites of ice spontaneously
formed, sealing in the contents
of the freezer. Whenever we
open it up, it's like looking at a
grinning Allosaurus with a
mouthful of frozen peas.
On top of that, we can't find
the neighbour's cat. We figure
the freezer got it. Or else it was
the Unidentified Container In
the Back Of The Fridge,
because, every now and then,
we hear a chewing sound coming from it.
Perhaps I am exaggerating a
little. The fact remains that
freezers are strange devices,
whose sole function it seems is
to thicken with ice until everything in it has been glaciated,
like a wooly mammoth eating
I understand that I am not the
only one with freezer problems.
According to the Institute of
They (as in, "They say that one
in a hundred people get colon
polyps"), every seven minutes a
freezer gets so frosted with ice
in this country that the contents
can never be recovered.
Furthermore, the Institute of
They tells us that every twelve
minutes, someone defrosts their
This means that every day,
288 more freezers become
clogged up with ice than
become defrosted. A chilling
statistic, (ed: Aaron's address is
available for those interested in
exacting retribution for that last
What can we do with this
ever-increasing glut of ice-
clogged freezers? Where can
we safely store them, so that
they will not harm future generations? After all, eventually, the
ice inside will melt, spilling
years-old bags of Jolly Green
Giant Niblets that have slowly
mutated into Niblets Hungry
For Human Flesh. Or something like that.
Have you ever attempted to
defrost a freezer? It's not fun.
The Institute of They tells us
that the preferred way to defrost
a freezer is to
a) unplug it,
b) go to bed,
c) let the melted ice drip all
over the mayonnaise,
ketchup, lettuce, milk, open
bowl of tuna salad, and the
Cow Brand Baking Soda, in
the fridge beneath,
d) feed the tuna salad to the
Further study shows that
there is a variety of methods
employed to defrost a refrigerator freezer.
The experimental physicist,
for example, will rectify the situation by attempting to bring
the freezer to a rapid thermal
equilibrium with the room, generally by pouring in a gallon of
hot water. Mind you, while the
hot water melts the ice, it also
immediately spills out of the
freezer and on to the floor,
where no absorbentmaterial
had been placed (that was
beyond the scope of the experiment).
The theoretical physicist, on
the other hand, freezes the
entire house, reasoning it better
to solve the simple problem of
defrosting a house rather than
the complex problem of defrosting a small, localized freezer.
The engineer chips away at
the ice with a knife from the
kitchen drawer, until the rough
shape of a freezer has been
made; after that a red
Volkswagen is stuffed inside.
The mathematician would
first solve the problem of
defrosting an infinite number of
freezers, then spend the rest of
his or her life on the problem of
defrosting a finite number of
The biologist would develop
a strain of ice-eating bacteria
that would, unfortunately, also
eat the fridge.
The psychiatrist could defrost
the freezer, but the freezer
would really have to want to be
The Arts student would look
for some kind of Defrosting
Manual, then eventually call the
The graduate student would
defrost the fridge in a quick,
original manner, but his advisor
would take the credit for it.
The Ubyssey Staffer would
simply crawl inside and get
steamed about this or that
marginalised person of colour.
The Womyn's Center
wouldn't have a freezer to
begin with, because it represents the phallocentric-white-
power-struture — oh, hell, I
don't remember the rest.
Kurt Preinsperg would
defrost a freezer by finding a
way to have sex inside it.
The philosopher would
define the problem of defrosting
a freezer in terms of a cow
falling down a hill; that is, does
the cow understand the concept
off ailing? Or is it too stupid?
Perhaps the cow notices it is
falling, then forgets, then re-
notices, in an endless recurring
loop: hello, what's this! Am I
falling? Why yes! I am falling...
falling..JDOWN! Boy, this cud
tastes good. I want Some more.
I wonder if...hello, what's this!
Am I falling?...
The astrophysicist would reason that, relative to the cosmic
background radiation temperature (4 Kelvin), the freezer is
running damned hot, and reasons anything that hot would
defrost itself.
The AMS Council member,
of course, would fine the
Ever eat somethin' that
didn't agree with ya?
Submit your best "I-ate-at-UBC-
Food-Services-and-survived" story
and you could win one of the new,
super-secret 432 T-shirts!
Deadline for entries is September 28.
So bring 'em on down to CHEM 160... soon.
"--^.•w? "*^^^
The 432 is proud to say that once again it has
prostituted itself for, get this, twenty bucks. So,
without further ado, we present:
Join the WBC 'Dance Clu6l Learn ballroom and
Latin American 'Dancing. 'With over 800 members
there's always someone to dance with. We feature
weekly lessons from9{g.wcomers to Qold, taught
by professionals. Try oat our free foxtrot and jive
lessons Sept 24 and 25. for info call822-3248.
>t •&& rtciU: TA - Vol 6 No 2 X 21 Sept '92   The Four Thirty-Two
Wednesday September 23
4.32pm — 7.30pm
sub party room
"bzzr   at   such   an
unbelievably   low
price,   that  we
can't   even   tell
you   in   this   ad."
(oh, well, okay... it's a buck)
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
The U.B.C. Science
Undergraduate Society
can help your team, club,
department, faculty, etc.
with your clothing needs.
We sell leather melton jackets,
sweatshirts, sweatpants, caps,
jerseys, mugs, sweaters, and
almost any item imaginable.
*-r II  I I  ITTTI  I  I I  I
/british Columbia!
<u 11II Ml |TF-
If you purchased:
One dozen 100%-cotton Fruit of the Loom white T-shirts
Full-front two-colour logo (with camera-ready artwork)
Two-digit eight-inch numbering on the bade
Each shirt would cost only $13.50
*Ve are in the Chemistry Building, room 160
Please feel free to phone us at 822-4235.
Ask for Michael Chow, Sales Manager
University of British Columbia
Science Undergraduate Society's
wm. sm
Compare to the bookstore:
200 sheets for $1.49 plus tax
400 sheets for $2.95 plus tax
Stock up at the S.U.S. office
in the Chemistry building, room 160.
/P^S^ All profits win be donated to charity
Derek K.
Back to classes. After a
long, hot, typically wonderful
B.C. summer during which the
rest of the country got to rot in
cold and rain (ha ha), I was
back on the job. I'm Dik
Miller, Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer.
The first week of classes
had not been typically
uneventful. I had already been
called in for damage control
after the Engineers stole the
Mile Zero marker of the
Alaska Highway from Dawson
Creek, but by the time I had
roused myself from bed in East
Van, showered, changed, and
rode my Dik Miller™ bicycle/potato peeler/dowsing rod
out to UBC, the marker had
been returned and the whole
incident was over.
I was now in my supervisor's office.
"Could you explain to me,
Miller," she was saying, "how
it could take you two days
after I called you to get out to
"Er," I replied, "I got used
to a slower schedule during the
"Slower, schedule?! you're
telling me it took you two days
to wake up, shower, change,
and ride out here?"
She glared at me.
"Really," I said, sticking my
neck forward like a pigeon to
emphasize my point.
"I don't believe you. You
must be leaving something
"I'm not."
"I'm trying to picture what
it would be like to take two
days to do that." She looked up
at the ceiling, recounting
events in her mind. "Hmm,
let's see. Phone rings at 7 a.m.
I take a few extra minutes to
wake up. Say it's 7:15..."
'7:20," I corrected.
"Okay, 7:20.1 get up, walk
to the shower. Say I take a
long shower - what, 15 min-
Coming Soon!
Another 4.U c
"Half hour," I said.
She growled. "Half an hour,
then. It's now 7:50.1 do the
usual personal things, which
should take another 10 or 15
"Well, more like 25."
She paused. "25 minutes to
do what?"
' "Well, I do have to sculpt
my eyebrows," I said.
She stared. "25 minutes
then. It's 8:15. It takes about
10 minutes to get dressed..."
"Twenty," I said.
"For what?"
"It usually takes me at least
10 minutes to get my fedora
adjusted to the proper angle."
"But don't you cycle?"
"Yes. What does that have
to do with it?"
"You wear a helmet, don't
"So you have to take off
your fedora before you put it
on, right?"
"Yeah," I nodded. I couldn't
see what she was getting at
"So why adjust your fedora
first, then?"
Some people just don't
understand, I thought. "You
see," I explained, "if I adjust it
right the first time, the hat
marks in my hair enable me to
do it in half the time once I get
to work."
"You're telling me that you
spend five minutes every
morning adjusting your hat
when you come to work?"
"More like six," I suggested.
"I was exaggerating a little."
"Never mind. In any case,
it's now 8:35. How long does
it usually take to cycle from
your house to work. What, an
"Forty-five minutes," I said
"Okay, then, by these estimates you should have been
here at 9:20 on the morning I
called you to deal with this
stupid EUS prank. That's two
hours and twenty minutes from
call to arrival."
"Yup," I proclaimed.
"Yet it took you two days."
"Yup," I agreed.
"Where did the extra time
come from?"
"I accidentally started going
the wrong direction."
"What, you went east
instead of west from your
house?" she asked.
"Yeah. It was a foggy day. I
couldn't see the sun."
"Did you ever think of using
ground-level landmarks to tell
you which way to go?"
"I always use the sun," I
declared. "That way, I know
which way I'm traveling no
matter where in the world I
"Except on foggy days," she
"Except on foggy days."
"So," she went on, "how far
did you get before you figured
out your mistake and turned
"Chilliwack," I answered.
"Chilliwack?!" she bellowed.
"Yes. It's a moderate-sized
town in the Fraser Valley with
a population of..."
"Shut up!"
"So you were two days late
because you accidentally went
the wrong way and ended up in
"Yes. I only noticed because
the street signs were the wrong
She looked at me for a
moment. "Get out of my
office, Miller."
"You bet." I turned around.
She stopped me before I finally left.
"Miller, why was it I hired
you for this job in the first
"Because I'm the best in the
business," I said.
I only caught the dull thunk
of her forehead on her desk as
I left the office to get back to
work. Another case closed for
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer.
X'Clcll issue
A Special Tribute to the
onomatopoeiae ofj Don Martin.
WATCH     FOR    IT! The Great Trekker Award 1992
"Chick" Turner?
by Pierre Berton
I never knew Chick Turner at
University. He was still in short
pants when I waked on The Ubyssey. For a while I confused him
with John Turner, but quickly put
that fancy aside, knowing that no
sports editor of The Ubyssey
would ever climb to such dizzy
heights that he would actually
dance with a princess.
Later, when that John Turner
became a politician and even a
cabinet minister, The Ubyssey,
contusing him with Chick Turner,
From Allan
Aug. 11,1992
Herewith your required submission for The Ubyssey, re
I have been asked to comment on the fact that John
Turner, following Pierre Berton
and mineownself, is to be given
the Great Trekker Award. This
is entirely appropriate, since the
three of us have much in
common — aside from all three
being products of The Ubyssey,
the infamous vile rag.
I arrived on campus just as
Turner was leaving, allegedly
being "the most popular student
at UBC" — a claim I have
never believed, the voters since
vindicating my judgment.
While I never danced with
Princess Margaret, I also wasn't
as fast at the 100 yard dash as
was "Chick" — the origin of his
undergraduate nickname never
yet divined by the anthropologists.
As for Berton, while I am
vertically-challenged, 1 have
more hair. While Berton is
richer, he has never been prime
minister. Also, unlike Turner
and this author — the two of us
being former sports editors of
The Ubyssey — Berton knows
nothing about sport. Further,
neither one of them were born
in Saskatchewan. I rest my
my regards   *
Allan Fotheringham
ink-stained scribbler, tried to
claim him as its own.
No one believed that, and when
John Turner became Prime Minister of Canada, everybody knew
that he couldn't be Chick Turner.
Whoever heard of a Ubyssey
sports editor becoming Prime
1 don't really know what became of Chick Turner. Matter of
tact, I don't know what became if
John Turner. Where are these
people? Why haven't they been
heard from? Don't they come back
on Homecoming?
Somebody ought to give Chick
some kind of award. After all, on
The Ubyssey he was part of an
honourable profession. More than
that, he was the one Turner who
didn't stoop to enter the tawdry
world of party politics.
Next time I'm in Winston's I
must ask John what happened to
his namesake.
John Turner, Great Trekker '92
by Derek K. Miller (Student Board of Governors Member and AMS Researcher)
Yes, John Napier Turner was
Prime Minister for a while there.
He was also a Rhodes Scholar,
and studied Law at Oxford and
the Sorbonne in Paris. He was
Canada's first Minister of Consumer and Corporate Affairs, and
the last federal Minister of Finance to table a budget surplus.
He gained national fame in 1958
when he danced with Princess
Margaret at royal functions -
rumours flew that there was a
royal romance.
But before all that, way back,
"Chick" Turner got his nickname
for an unknown reason from a
sports teammate. He was a member of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity, Canadian track and field
champion in 100 and 220-yard
runs, a UBC debater, a University
Radio Society on-air personality,
AMS Coordinator of Activities,
and associate sports editor of The
Ubyssey, then the fourth-largest
daily paper in B.C.
Cartoon courtesy UBC Alumni Association. (Artist: P. Lynde)
UBC Thunderbirds vs.
Saskatchewan Huskies
(Live Nationwide!)
Prizes for best TSN banners
SATURDAY, SEPT. 26,2:00 p.m.
FOOTBALL       ^
He graduated from UBC in
1949 with an honours degree in
Political Science. His mother,
Phyllis G. Ross, also graduated
from UBC in Political Science
and Economics. She was a federal economist, a co-founder of
Carleton University, the first
female Chancellor of UBC, and a
recipient of the Great Trekker
Award herself in 1954. Turner is
the first child of a Great Trekker
Award recipient to get the prize
as well.
He expressed an interest in
being Prime Minister as early as
1962, when he was first elected to
Parliament. Since then, he has
spoken to UBC students at Student-Alumni dinners in the 60's,
Liberal events in the 70's, political grilling sessions in the 80's,
and now at his own awards ceremony.
John Turner will receive the
Great Trekker Award from the
AMS on Friday, September 25,
1992 at a reception at 5:30 p.m. in
the SUB Party Room. Tickets are
$10 and are available at the AMS
Box Office. Also speaking at the
event will be UBC President
David Strangway, Alumni Association Past President Dave Coui-
son, 1965 Award recipient Evelyn Story Lett, and AMS President Martin Ertl. All are welcome. The Homecoming Dance
follows in the Ballroom/Pit. Call
Carole Forsythe at 822-3092 for
Sept 24
Homecoming Parade
12:30-2:30 Main Mall
$20 per constituency entry fee.
Prizes for most spirited team.
Contact Derek at 822-6868 or
Jaret at 822-5336.
Sept 25   ------ '•■- — "—   r-
Great Trekker Reception
5:30 SUB Party Room
$10 tickets at AMS Box Office
FREE Blue & Gold Dance
7:30 SUB Ballroom/Pit
Wear blue & gold or UBC
paraphernalia. 3 door prizes and
1 grand prize trip to Whistler -
but only if you're dressed
appropriately. Call Carole
Forsythe at 822-3092 for details.
Sept 26. and 27
Homecoming Football
Arts'20 Relay
The Great Trekker Award is given
annually by the Alma Mater Society
to a member of Ihe Alumni of the
University of British Columbia who
has ac
lieved eminence in his or her
field, has made a special contribution
to the
community and has demon-
an especially keen and contin-
ued interest in his or her Alma Mater.
Recipients of the
Grreat Trekker Award
Joseph F. Brown
John Buchanan
Arthur E. Lord
Walter H.Gage
Phyllis G. Ross
Aubrey F. Roberts
Sherwood Lett
A. Marjorie Agnew
James Sinclair
Harry Logan
John V. Clyne
Norman MacKenzie
Albert E. Richards
George T. Cunningham
Evelyn Story LetF"	
Blylhe A. Eagles
Hugh L. Keenleyside
Harry V. Warren
Nathan T. Nemetz
Ron Pearson
Stan Persky
Nestor N. Korchinsky
Cecil H. & Ida Green
Anne Stevenson
Ray & Ernest Perrault
Allan Fotheringham
Robert F. Osborne
Pierre Berton
Rosemary Brown
John N. Turner
Sunday, Sept. 27
Register until Sept. 23
Opening Ceremonies at Sedgewick
Buses to relay points
Race begins at VGH
Pancake breakfast begins
Live entertainment until 12:30
Award ceremonies - draw prizes!
Cutting of 77th Anniversary cake
Fees for teams of 8 people
shirts     no shirts   individual   walker
$ 82      $50        $ 6         $3
Community    $112     $80        $10
High School   $ 57      $25        $ .3
Relay race from VGH to UBC, commemorating
the Great Trek by Arts '20 students.
8 legs of 0.7-2.0 km in length.
Register at-    (Sp-M«M«
s                ^^p-~  Sports
SUB Room 66 • 822-6000 Vol 6 No 2 X 21 Sept '92   The Four Thirty-Two
m\u n d a n e    d u m p s t e r
CRRC Bikinis
Patrick Lum
Having just returned from a
three-hour "Special meeting of
the Faculty of Science", my first
comment would be that watching your professors debate
(argue) over future curriculum
changes is a spectacle to be
seen. For a summary of the
recomendations discussed, see
the last issue of the 432 (Vol. 6,
No. 1, p.7). Suffice it to say that
numbers 3,4, 8, and 11 caused
considerable debate and discussion. In addition, a number of
proposals were made to amend
these motions, and even amendments to these original amendments. This created considerable confusion among those who
were not familiar with the rules
of voting; after voting to accept
the amendment, many were confused about the necessity of the
subsequent vote to accept the
"amended motion".
Changes to be made:
1) Faculty-wide requirements
for Science students are to be
reduced to 3.0 credits each of
100-level Physics and
Chemistry for students with
the respective Gr. 12 credit.
(ed.:The debate on this
motion got everyone pretty
heated. Lets just say that the
entire delegation from the
Chem Dept. stormed out of
the hall immediately after the
vote. And I thought AMS
meetings got nasty...)
2) Students may defer up to six.
credits of first-year Chem,
English, Physics. 101 for, 92
against, and 10 abstentions.
3) Students are now allowed to
take up to any 6 credits outside of the Faculty of
Science, in addition to 18
Arts credits; this eliminates
the 'list of alternate courses'
at the Dean's Office.
4) The B.Sc. degree will require
48 (up from 42) credits of
300 or higher level courses.
5) A major program may specify only up to 57 credits in
Carmen McKnight
Ryan has asked me if the
President's column be done in
the traditional method, that is,
by someone other than the
President. I should hope not.
The spirit of the President's column is that the President writes
it. It's your opportunity pick
apart my spelling and grammar
and I thought you'd be bored
with another year of a ghostwritten President's column. So
—for now—/ will be writing
the President's, column.
CHEM 160 has been active
for the past two weeks. Its surprising just how many people
showed up for the open house.
Even Dean McBride wanted his
free lunch.
At Thursday's SUS Council
meeting we appointed two new
executives: Jeff Chen is now
the Internal Vice-President and
Zain Kwandwala is the new
Director of Sports. Our recendy
deposed double agent, Lica
Chui, has made her true colours
known by becoming a first year
rep with the Pharmacy
Undergrad Society.  We still do
not know the whereabouts of
Jon Campbell-Dinkelheimer-
Smith, our former Director of
Sports. I'm sure he'll turn up
when Blackcomb opens.
Another mysterious disappearance has occurred. The
SUS flag is missing. If it is
safely returned to CHEM 160 in
the same state in which it was
taken (no need to re-colour,
shrink or alter our beloved flag
in any way) by Thursday, Sept
24 at 11:30 am, the returner(s)
will be rewarded with two cases
of Granville Island Lager. If it
is returned later than this date
and time then only one case of
bzzr will be awarded.
The SUS Council meeting for
Thursday, Sept 17 was cancelled due to a conflict with the
Faculty of Science meeting on
curriculum changes. This
Thursday's meeting has been
changed to Tuesday, Sept 22nd
at 1:30pm in CHEM 160.
Nominations for Year and
Departmental Rep Elections will
close on Wednesday, Sept 23 so
make sure you get your nomination in soon. Upcoming council
business includes: appointing a
science week coordinator and an
archivist, and approving the
1992/93 SUS budget.
Planning of Science Week
1993 is now underway. If you
want to express your ideas then
show up at the next meeting.
We'll be having a homecoming
decoration party sometime
before Thursday. There is also
an Elections Bzzr Garden in the
planning stages. So, if you're
planning to get onto SUS
Council, why not come out and
meet the exec? I'll see you in
Your Sweet Innocent Doe-eyed
Dictator, Carmen.
years 2,3, and 4.
6) All first year courses are to
be split into 3 credit courses.
7) A motion to require all students to take biology and one
of earth science or computer
science was amended,
amended again, and then
tabled (delayed until ihe next
Faculty Meeting).
8) Supplemental exams have
been abolished; borderline
cases are to be decided on an
individual basis. The possi
bility of a 50% grade was
suggested, that would provide credit, but would not be
accepted as a prerequisite for
further courses.
These changes will not affect
students currently in the Faculty
of Science, and are to be forwarded to Senate for ratification.
Finally. The End. But... rest
assured that the tabled motion
AND the passed motions will
continue to generate debate
while people try to figure out
what these changes will mean...
 Circvs Scientificvs
Zain Khandwala
One of the proudest traditions upheld within the Science
Undergraduate Society is that of
desecrating and humiliating the
engineers in everything we do.
Intramural sports is no exception to this mandate.
Not only have we defeated
the 'geers for two straight years
to win the unit points standings
competition, but our participation and competition numbers
have, over the last half-decade,
shown increases far above those
of the inferior EUS. What's
more, all indications are for this
year's results to follow these
trends, as we have a strong core
of talent in all league sports, an
apparently keen group of frosh,
and, more importantly, biochem labs stocked with clen-
buterol (Intramural Sports has
yet to define a clear position on
performance-enhancing drug
For the above reasons, when
Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-
Smith was forced to resign as
SUS sports rep for this year, I
was eager to take over in charge
of the Great Science Sports
Machine. My name's Zain
Khandwala, and some of you
may know me as last year's
CompSci Rep. Anyway, if you
have any sports-type questions,
I can usually be found at the
Intramurals office in the SUB
where I'm the Director of
Statistics, or in the SUS office.
Only a week-and -a-bit into
this new year, we already have
teams registered for all divisions of all league sports, and
we're looking to make a strong
run at the Arts 20 title in the
faculty category.
If you're a science student,
drop by the SUS office in
CHEM 160 to see what's going
on and to get involved.. If
you're looking for a team to get
involved with, we have sign-up
sheets posted for all levels and
categories of team sports, as
well as sign-up forms for all
individual sports.
At SUS we diligently reward
all those who make the Science
sports program great at the end-
of-the-year SUS Sports
Banquet, where we recognize
people based on the number of
participation and competition
points they earn under the
Science name.
Most importantly, though,
the Intramural Sports Program
is one of the best means of integrating yourself into UBC life
in general, and the Science
Undergrad Society in specific.
So get involved early and often,
and let us know who you are.
It's time to get the Machine
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
Wow! Two exciting meetings in two weeks! How do I
stand the excitement?
The AMS called a special
meeting on September 9 to
view the film "A Perpetual
State of Consent" produced by
Coordinator of External
Affairs, Marya McVicar.
Council members were shown
the film, and then taken downstairs for a tour of the new Pit.
When it finally came down to
the vote about whether or not
to approve the film, people had
either already made up their
minds, or were tired of discussing it. It passed without
much comment.
Because the two EUS reps,
Christa Greentree and Scott
Groves, did not come to council because they were celebrating their anniversary, council
members decided that they
would have to show their
devotion to the AMS by
singing "Islands in the Stream"
at the next council meeting.
On September 16, we had
four loooong presentations,
some real food (left over from
some other function), and one
remotely interesting motion.
SAC (the Student
 Senate Shorts
Chris Sing
Hi there everybody! My
name's Christopher, and I'll be
your student senator for the
upcoming year. What is Senate?
Senate deals with all of the academic affairs of the university.
If you want to know more about
it, you can come and talk to me
in the SUS (Chemistry 160).
Senate met on Wednesday
September 16th at 8:00 p.m. It
was a fairly good meeting with
lots of lively debate. We covered several different areas,
including the University's
Financial statements, New
Conflict of Interest Procedures,
and Preliminary Enrollment
The policy and procedures on
Conflict of Interest was circulated for interest. Dr. Resnick
put a motion forward to look at
in the October meeting.
Primarily, it said that Deans and
higher level administrators
should get permission from the
Board of Governors before joining any private company boards
to avoid conflict of interest.
While this was being discussed,
the question came up of what
the policy was on students who
had been unfairly treated in
marking. The answer is that
there is a committee of Senate
that takes care of this. If you
feel that you've been unfairly
treated in one of your classes,
you can pick up an appeals
form inside of the registrar's
Administrative Committee)
sent a Publication Distribution
Policy for the SUB for council
to approve. This policy would
ban the distribution of any
publication that was not totally
operated by students, ie. the
Campus Times. It was a
touchy issue because a total of
eight people on council either
had been involved with the
paper or are involved with the
people that operate it. The
■comment made by one
Ubyssey writer was quite valid
that theTimes seemed to have
a large representation on council, and the Ubyssey did not.
If the Campus Times wants to
distribute in SUB, they will
have to apply to SAC for permission, and if it is passed by
2/3, it will then go to council
for approval.
On a lighter note,
"Essentially UBC", an orientation program for first year residence students, was on
September 10, and was a success. Since it was a new program this year, and jointly
organized by yours truly and
the AMS Director of Finance, I
was glad it went well, and that
it is over.
The next AMS meeting is
on September 30.
I talked to Dr. Spencer, the
Registrar during the summer
and he told me "if any students
have any questions, please
encourage them to contact my
office and we will do our best
to help them." (I had heard
some interesting rumors about
university policy which I found
to be false from him.) The registrar is very helpful, and will
try to help you if he can. Or
you can do the alternative, and
go to the Dean's office in the
biology building and they'll
help you too.
We reviewed the university's
financial statements. Your fees
for the year ending on March
31,1992 made up 10.2% of
UBC's total revenue, or
$69,000,000. There was a high
level of debate whether more
money was being spent on students, due to the increase in
tuition. There was an increase
in the amount of money spent
on Student Awards and
Services which went up from
$9,508,000 to $11,265,000.
Did you know that there is
over fifty million dollars worth
of construction in going on
right now including the west
parkade, and the longhouse?
The GPA to get into first
year from high school was 3.17
for Science, and 3.0 for Arts
There are 1136 new 1st year
Science students, out of a total
5446 applications received. (As
of September 8th, 1992) Wow!
The first years are getting
smarter! Congratulations on
getting in, all you first years! 8
The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 2 $ 21 Sept'92
Howdy. First of all... jeez,
I'm sorry.
What I mean is, my sincere
apologies to anyone who tried
to take me up on the free parking I wrote about in the last
issue. It seems that Parking and
Security couldn't make your
lives difficult enough without
enlisting the expert help of
UBC Housing. As a result all
those lovely free spaces along
the roads towards the south end
of campus, have now been
appropriated in the name of
"Registered Student Resident
Parking Only." They're out to
get us, I tell you. So, anyway...
sorry, guys.
One other little tidbit... sign
up for hockey NOW! (That is,
if you play. If not just ignore
this little bit and proceed directly to the next paragraph.)
And now, if I may, let me
share with you a few very good
reasons not to go on a two-week
drinking spree. (Bust Loose holidays to Mexico are, of course,
exempt from this line of reasoning.)
1. You mutate. Humans, as we
all know, do not possess the
ability to regenerate lost limbs
and the like. If we did, I imag-
Don't try this at home!
(Go to The Pit where more people will see you...)
me that a workman falling
into a planer saw wouldn't
receive half the press that it
does now. However, a continued infusion of ethanol into
the body can cause quite a few
amazing physical changes.
For example, your brain
begins deciding that you really don't need to walk around
on two legs all the time, and
that you'd really be much better off either on all fours or
flat on your beak.
Furthermore, you develop the
eyesight of a bat and the sunlight tolerance of a gremlin,
and typically spend most of
the next day lurking about in
sunglasses, bumping into stationary objects, and wondering how it can possibly be so
bright out when it's overcast.
Another interesting feature is
the expansion of the waistline,
which forms a suitable surface
upon which to place your next
beer while sitting down. Or,
for that matter, even while
standing up. Depends how
long you've been at it.
(Incidentally, in 1973, the
CIA reportedly carried out an
experiment in which a human
ovum was raised solely on
ethanol. Turns out they ended
up with a 170-pound liver that
could chug an entire keg
while singing 99 Bottles Of
Beer On The Wall in
2. Man liveth not on hooch
alone. Let's put it this way:
living on beer and averaging
two square meals per week
will not be on your dietician's
Top Ten. So, if you can choke
down that bowl of Total in the
morning without heaving,
more power to you.
(Apparently, this is very tough
to do even if you haven't been
drinking. Something that good
for you has gotta taste pretty
damned awful.)
3. You occasionally cause
trouble here and there. You
know, just general mischief.
Nothing like nipping the
Engineers' little replica cairn
and painting it or anything.
Oh no no no, nothing like
4. It ends up costing you.
Unless you have access to a
large quantity of complimentary, subsidized, or otherwise
free beer, big binges like two-
week benders will leave you
feeling the pinch. Of course,
smart shopping (ie. SUS Bzzr
Gardens, plugplugplug) will
get you more booze for your
buck, but for the average Joe,
it'd be the alcofc lie equivalent of Heaven's Gate.
Expensive and a major source
of headaches for weeks to
However, I'd like to point out
that I had the sense to know
what night not to hit the sauce,
that being Saturday last at the
Shrum Bowl. As a result I was
able to take notes between water
balloons, and put together
THE 1992
(insert fanfare here)
MVP (Most Valuable Player):
UBC running back Brad
Yamaoka, who set a new all-
time T-Bird record for rushing yards in a single game
MVA (Most Violent
Attitude): A security guard
identified only as "Scott",
who went above and beyond
the call of duty to gj\* at.
least a few people a hard
time where they didn't
deserve it (His last job must
have been concert security in
St. Louis.)
Best Long Bomb: The guys sitting in front of me with the
water balloon launchers,
who bombarded the SFU
fans all night and landed a
couple of really amazing 70-
yard head shots.
Bravest SFU Supporter: The
guy who walked over into
the UBC fan section by himself and started threatening
the Best Long Bomb winners in front of a few dozen
Smartest SFU Supporter:
Same guy. He got out of
there pretty quick.
Best Tackle: A UBC security
guard picked up an SFU fan
and flipped him over his
shoulder flat onto his back.
What wrestling fans call a
Best View From The Bottom
Reporter: Moi. A Clansmen
supporter grabbed someone's T-Bird hat and tried to
run with it. My friend and I
tackled him to get it back...
just as about thirty other
guys got the same idea.
Ouch. Never had such an
intimate relationship with
grass before.
Best Way To Get Someone
Not To Listen To You: The
security guard who came up
to the guys with the balloons, broke one over one
guy's head, and said, "Don't
shoot these anymore."
(Guess where the next one
Best Innocent Victim: The
Domino's Pizza guy, who
was met with a friendly barrage of water balloons every
time he walked past the
Worst Call On The 10°
Weather: The concession
people. They weren't sellin'
a lot of that ice cream, and
they ran out of coffee and .
hot chocolate at halftime,
much to the chagrin of several drenched SFU fans.
(Hey, I do have some compassion, you know...)
Best Bottom Line: UBC 39,
SFU 20. 'Nuff said.
O i
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