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The 432 Oct 9, 2003

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9 October 2003
"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this."
J. K. Rowling: Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix (p.343)
Tuition and Enfcrcpy Linked!
Second Law of Thermodynamics proves true for Martha's Bean Counters
It doesn't take a Sauder SoB student to
notice that tuition this year seems
slightly larger than normal. And
although nine out of ten women will tell
you that going up and staying up and then
when you least expect it getting even bigger is not usually a thing to complain
about, university tuition might be an
exception. Economists and physicists have
been meeting regularly (we feed them bran
pizza) at 432 offices to discover the root of
our ever-swelling tuition.
Their  discoveries may shock even the
stout of heart and the protected of pocket.
The thermodynamic second law states
that given a closed system, entropy will
In this ISSUE:
Cone for the
Jay Garcia (p.2)
Stay for the
svveet, svveet love
Swim in the
Dead Pool (p.3)
Burning Bush
Check Out
Mr. Social (p.4)
Krack is Back
Accurate To With
in 2.5% 19 tines
out of 20 Horo
scopes (p.6)
Exec Propoganda
The Alpha and
Omega Mr. Martin
always increase. Can anyone think of any
other things which seem to invariably
increase? That's right, Mr. Tuition. So
where is the connection? The 432 asked Dr.
Nikolaus Steele of the institute of Monetary Physics in New Mexico if our theory
held any weight; his response: shocked
silence. Obviously our theory has knocked
the socks off his old hard ass.
Martha Piper, we're on to you, we can see
the scientific method behind your tuition
increase, and we applaud your efforts. By
basing your economics on a law as solid
and real as entropy you've managed to
keep curious students from seeing your
master plan. As we look around this beautiful campus we can see other occurrences
of physics within your scheme.
The next most obvious physical relation is
that of the brownian motion of residence
students this year. The random movement
of students in, out, and around residences
has left us in a whirl this summer. Many
students being told that they had been
placed in junior residences for a third year,
or being moved to waiting lists after three
years residing in University residences.
When student numbers are linked to the
respective movement of the student, one
begins to see a pattern forming, and what
is that pattern you ask? Utter chaos.
Further connections have been made
between the quality of Totem Park Cafeteria food and atomic decay, and an inversely proportional correlation has been made
between Pit Pub patrons skirt lengths and
the number of large barking rats terrorizing the student population in and around
the SUB. When asked about the significance of these mathematical relationships,
Dr. Steele's response: "We're sorry, but the
number you dialed is not in service. Please
hang up and try your call again."
While writing this article, Death visited
the 432 offices and, after killing the printer,
sat down to give us some filler material:
according to him, tuition-related suicides
are up by 12%, and in completely unrelated small talk he mentioned three senior
profs are about to knock off. We have yet
to verify either of these sets of information.
In related news, it seems that while making the new budget and allocating tuition,
the UBC accounting squad purchased an
unprecedented amount of Viagra, which
they claim to have lost in the Bermuda triangle. Tuition hasn't gone up since, but
they all went home tired after that long
hard, engorged week.
UBC Town Planned, UBC Downtown Eastside to fcUow-
The University of British Columbia
has released it's latest plans for the
"University Town". These plans not
only include areas designated for apartments, condominiums and a strip mall
area, but also safe injection sites and STD
The university feels that these plans will
lead to a more "well-rounded, urban" feel
to their town. Modeled after the urban
sprawls found in such great locales as
Compton and the Bronx, the new University Town will feature pimps, Johns, pushers,
and junkies for that added "real world"
John Fitzgerald, creative consultant to the
"University Town" project states that
"With all these amenities so convenient
located for junior residences, frosh will no
longer feel the need to cruise Hastings
looking for their 'fix'".
The AUS has given their thumbs up to the
plan, informing the university administration that the new town will provide their
constituents with the "well rounded" education that most of them entered the facul
ty in order to receive.
Worried parents have already flooded the
University Planning offices in order to
appeal the plan. We have contacted Dr.
Piper in hopes of receiving an interview or
statement of any kind. Unfortunately, her
office has informed us that she is currently
unavailable; out of town visiting an old
friend who apparently lives "underneath
the bridge on the way into town", where
she will stop and "open the door to let him
Cooking Spray
Exec Cellphones
Lube for the
Student Body's "
Martha's Crack
Increase Page Two
9 September 2003
Volume Seventeen
Issue Uno
9 September 2003
Lana Rupp
Ass. Editors
Rob Cross (Friend)
Dan Anderson (Fiend)
Sameer Wahid
Jay Garcia
Dan Anderson
Jordie Yow
Robert Cross
Jo Krack
Lana Rupp
Eric Tong
Andy Martin
Anna-Marie Bueno
Dan Yokom
Kristin Lyons
Brian MacLean
Frank Yang
Chris Anderson
Chris Zappavigna
Lady Death
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. Just
please stop with the burning bags
of dog excrement.
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Thrice, we said.
Burning Down the House
\\Wty   Jay Garcia
Ten years on rhis campus, and all i can
think is "Where the hell did all this
money for infrastructure come
from?" It's easier to get an endowment for
a building that the University can name
after the endower than it would be to grub
for cash spent on such frivolous things as,
you know, reducing class sizes and paying
for more labs. I mean, if they're going to go
this route, they should just see if big-name
movie stars who love Vancouver would be
willing to pony up the cash for a building
with their name on it. I shudder to think of
the consequences though. What would be
taught at the Affleck center? Media studies? Maybe they should just consider cash
grants to temporary rename current structures. The Jackie Chan Center for the Performing Arts has a nice ring to it.
But still, the money pours in for new
buildings. For example, the new nursing
structure near the B-Lots. It's nice that they
saved the statues from the old nursing
building and placed them on the rooftop
corners (bets on the length of time 'til Engineering defacement, anyone?), but I'm sure
that the cash could have gone to alleviate
nursing class sizes. Sometimes I'm forced
to imagine a cabal of People In Expensive
Suits, sitting in a darkened room, smoking
Cuban cigars and proclaiming "Ah hell,
screw the TA's — we'll use the money for
buildings instead. Buildings and hookers!"
In a similar vein, what the heck happened
to all the roads? While I was no fan of East
Mall's shoddilly maintained blacktop, I did
enjoy the odd unplanned airborne excursion when my car hit a bad combination of
speedbump / pothole ("my god, it's full of
stars!"). Now East Mall's all paved
avenues, elevated crosswalks and fancy
turnarounds. It no longer contributes to
this campus' Social Darwinistic concerns. I
mean, if frosh don't have to scatter before
speeding cars, or over-riced Honda's don't
lose their undercarriage over the bumps,
then East Mall just isn't doing its job to
weed out the slow and the foolish.
Then there's the reversion of Main Library
back to it's original state — without the
massively tacky add-ons that were the
Stacks. While it's a modification that's
cheaper than the addition of Koerner
library, it's about as emotionally wrenching
to an old-timer as the loss of Sedgewick
library (which was absorbed into Koerners,
and had the comfiest sleeping couches
known to undergraduate life). I mean, the
Stacks were where people who didn't have
their own rooms on campus went when
they were looking for a quick knees-up.
Given that no-one but desperate Artsies
ever went up the ridiculously narrow stairs
to brave the fetid atmosphere of the top
floors, privacy was virtually assured. And
now the Stacks are being torn down, and
replaced by a robotic archiving system,
which is cool and all (and probably expensive as all get out), but my beef is that, if
anyone's got a right to tear down the University libraries, it should be the students.
And, what about the SUB? Mike
Kingsmill's got just about the cushiest job
ever — renovate with the cash provided, or
lose the cash. Previous years' efforts in this
regard were subtler (or, alternately, I was
too damn blind to notice the Convenient
Tanking Pond on the roof until it was too
late), but the modifications to the basement
are as noticeable as the world music pulsing from The Snack Attack. I mean, The
Honour Roll? Good concept, decent execution, absolutely horrendous name. It's a
pun so big that you could see it from space,
and so horrible that it implodes the very
nature of spacetime — kind of like the Black
Hole of punning. Some might say that the
extra seatage around said eatery is a welcome relief from standing awkwardly
around the old Arcade and searing your
hands with dripping chili. Bah! Dodging
dripping chili and other piping-hot
comestibles are character-developing, and
encourages the kind of manual dextrous-
ness and innovative thinking that serve
students well in their future graduate
I must say, though, that I do approve of
the soul-deadening colour scheme that
they chose for the flooring. It shows that
the university administration hasn't
changed so much that they've forgotten
how to make things cheap and hideous,
and utterly unresponsive to student needs
or desires.
Furthermore, I've got to say that moving
the Arcade to the former Bank of Montreal
location was a stroke of genius, because its
new location both allows and encourages
students to frequent it at normal student
hours — which is to say, around three to
five in the morning, after far too many
beers or too much studying stress.
I guess my real complaint isn't so much
that the cash is being mis-spent on construction and renovation on this campus;
in many ways, it's really needed and vastly
necessary. I'm just peeved that I missed my
early chance to cut in on this cash cow. Ah
well; that massive blood research clinic
next to the Donald Rix building isn't complete yet — plenty of opportunities to misappropriate funds there.
Kristin Lyons is an
earth-bound Goddess!
Write for us. We have pizza
and beer and midgets.
The 432 is always looking for new writers, satire or serious
Send us your best work.
A picture of you in your underwear does
not count as your best work.
the432@hotmail. com
The Next Deadline is September 19 at 4:32pm
We are also interested in cartoonists, photographers,
editting types, and general minions.
We' re serious about the midgets. 9 September 2003
Page Three
Taker Under
with 30% more dead!
Welcome back kiddies! I had a terrific
summer full of tragedy, sorrow and
Mai Tais. I trust you've all lingered in the
sun just long enough to hasten my visit.
rn case you hadn't noticed, last year, not
one of you faithful deadpoolers guessed
anyone's death correctly and on time. In
fact, nobody even got the prize. More fun
for me -1 got to go to ACF for free, and the
liver problems I set in motion there will
leave a lasting taste in lives for years to
come. All you drunken drivers - you're
only Death's best friend. I'm not complaining or anything, but you'd think you'd side
with the guy who doesn't look like Skeleton
rn other news, cancer, heart disease, and
AIDS are still endemic. Also, I won $40 at
the ponies - go, Blue Lace, go! It was a good
summer for me.
So, this year, get those ESP flash cards out
and start practicing. The contest of the eon
is back for an eighth year, and you've got
to guess guess guess those soon to be stiffs.
And now, the rules:
All submissions will be counted. Any people who die before the list is recieved will
not count towards the points total. All people named must be public figures; Joe
Smith from Armonk doesn't count. Martha
Piper, however, does. You don't get points
if you kill them - but I suppose we'd need
to find out. (Silly humans - death sees all!)
Points are rated based on the rank of the
guess; the top person is worth 15 points,
the next 14, the next 13, and so on down to
1. If you put more on, lucky you, but you
get a big fat 0 points each.
The prizes? They vary - third and second
are usually clothing and or event tickets,
and first prize is normally some amount of
liquid joy combinedwith a pair of event
tickets. Liquid joy being a brand name for
a detergent, of course.
In unrelated news, Death I. Personified
(the I stands for Incarnate - I know, my
folks weren't too bright) can't be sued for
giving people alcohol for no reason.
A corpse upon both your houses.
Dead Pool VIII
Entry Sheet
Your name:
Your e-mail address:
Your phone number:
,   Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail
your picks to the432 @hotmail.com
Watch Out:
We're Here.
hand Page Four
9 September 2003
Burning Busli
y—j —   —— ^r *—^_W_^_^_to
on wn wy
eric tong 2003
ericggsensilivitych eck.com
Mr. Social
Bzzr Gzggles
I would like to be the first on this campus
to state that the quality level of the beer
gardens has gone significantly down since
the inception of my degree. The days of
yore, when a beer garden would attract a
reasonable volume of members of both
genders, when music could be heard coming out of amplifiers and guitars, instead of
boom boxes and ghetto blasters, seem to
have faded into the mists. As I myself am a
frequenter of said events, as well as someone who has planned them in the past, I
feel it is my duty to not only report on
what I see, but to offer friendly suggestions
to the clubs and constuencies who hold
them. To begin with, since this year has
only had two crap-tastic beer gardens to
date, I would like to mention a few things
which I have noticed, in hopes that those
unfortunate few who plan these events
may learn from the mistakes of others. If I
feel the inkling to continue this silly serial,
it will likely be an outline of where I've
partied, and what was wrong with it. But
now to the suggestions, don't say I didn't
warn you SoCo's...
Rule I: The Rule of Nursing, or How the
Engineers go Horribly Wrong
This rule is quite simple, and makes the
most sense of any of the many things I
have learned at the beer gardens I've
attended. Here goes: A good party needs
only one ingredient, WOMEN. Females
draw males, which draw more females, it's
a beautiful snowball effect! Nothing makes
men want to drink like knowing there's a
DririkLng Is Yes?
location where they will be horribly shot
down. And nothing attracts women to a
party like knowing that there'll be plenty
of boys to laugh at. This being said, the
engineers don't quite have it right. They
have plenty of boys to laugh at, but they
don't ensure the high female population
which needs to be there in the first place.
Bring women, and the boys will follow.
Trust me. (Bqqr gardens might find a loophole to this one somehow, -ed)
Rule II: The Rule of Attraction, or How
most Beer Gardens Make me Cry.
Okay, another simple one. Let's imagine
you're walking down the road, and you
hear some music being played. I'm not
talking about music on a radio, I'm talking
about live musicians playing real instruments. Most people will at least go to check
out where that damn noise is coming from.
When they get there, they will be lured in
by the copious amounts of booze and the
high quantity of women (which are surely
there thanks to rule I, right?). If that doesn't get them, the gimicks surely will, read
rule IE.
Rule III: Thank you Chemistry, or Why I
drink out of Beakers every night...
Chem parties are good, not amazing. They
happen too damn early for me, and by the
time I get there, the only thing to snack on
is pretzels. Their DJ is usually pretty good
(but not as good as a good live band would
be. Call me old fashioned, but repetitive
music just ain't my thing when drinking)
and their beer is made by R&B, which I
appreciate. Honestly though, the reason
that their party is always packed to capacity, with the nubile young Totemites jumping over their crude yellow-string wall, is
because they have the most awesome gim-
ick in the world, BEAKERS!
Rule IV: This One's for You, Kids, or
How to Make it the Party of their Lives...
Frosh, you love them, I love them. I mean
honestly, how can you NOT love them.
They're enthusiastic, they're eager, and
they have no preconceptions about anything. I'm not saying invite them to your
parties, that would be illegal, well, for
more than 50% of them at least. All I'm saying, is make them feel comfortable. Anyone who's lived in residence, or works for
the RCMP, knows that nobody rocks
wreck like the ladies and gentlemen of
Totem (except the Robson boys, obviously
-ed). Dorm parties win hands down for me
every time. The TPRA and PVRA have the
unique pleasure of being two of the only
groups on campus who have the opportunity to plan events directly for frosh. How
I envy you, they are so easy to please....
Meanwhile, around campus...
AMS Firstweek:
Okay, I'll break it down a bit...
Imagine Day:
Lots of frosh, not enough booze. Yelled a
lot and inspired the young, can't talk now.
Rating: 4/10
Main Event Carnival:
Free Stuff, Lame Party. Didn't go.
Rating: ?/10
Harland Williams:
Hey, AMS, why don't you waste more of
my money on worthless has-beens?
Rating: Shit/10
Open-Air Pit Night:
Two words: Drunk. Wow, that was a dirty,
dirty night at the pit. But what night isn't.
It's still the pit, and I still don't really want
to be there. Noticed one girl who had a see
through skirt on. I'm sure it wasn't "supposed" to be see through, but when you
spill that much booze on your belt-thick
white cotton mistake it's bound to turn
Rating: Sleaze/10
Improv Show:
Usually good, but I was drunk and didn't
go. I'm sure Spencer Keys enjoyed it.
Rating: 9/10
Big Cool Concert:
Big Stupid Name. Hey, I have an idea,
why doesn't the AMS get someone with
taste in music in power, then we can avoid
getting crap for a first concert of the year.
Hey AMS Events: Stop hiring has-beens!
And just because a band has one hit song
doesn't mean that they are cool... or big for
that matter. Even if that was the name of
their breakthrough single!
Rating: Nicht so gut, ja?
EUS Cheeze Tub:
Honestly, I love this party, and not just
because of the cheep bzzr. Usually at this
point in the year, it is still possible for the
EUS to lure young frosh girls (or PP's as
they call them) to the cheeze to party down
with them. As well as nurtzes and other
females. Which makes this one of my yearly musts... regardless, I stayed home and
got drunk with my old ATS buddies...
Rating: Geertacular I suspect.
In conclusion: I think I'll have a beer and
hit a totem dance. 9 September 2003
Page Five
Rrji Can t Hold Ms,
No No No
Jo Krack
Welcome (back) to UBC everyone!
Those of you who (a) are returning (b) read any of my stuff last
year, already know that I just returned
from an exchange year in Osaka, Japan.
No, I didn't do the Ritsumeikan exchange,
or the Waseda one, or any of those other
hoity-toity programs that expect you to
"complete assignments" and "attend classes", and which threaten to send your transcripts back to UBC so that they'll know
you've been goofing off when you were
supposed to be "exercising your commitment to lifelong learning." Anyway. I did
get to visit some of the big universities and
see students actually STUDYING, in the
LIBRARY no less, but at my tiny school
(about the size of Buchanan), students
dressed waaay hoochier than UBC first
years and visited the library primarily to
view its extensive DVD collection. (Why
don't we have that at UBC?) Let's just say I
had a relaxing year. I mean, lots of reflection and personal growth... yeah, that's the
Being back at UBC (and in Canada, for
that matter!) is a bit of a shock. It's nice to
be operating in my native tongue though: I
am thrilled to be able to read things without having to think first, and to speak
without struggling to find the right word
(for example, the word for "human" in
Japanese, ningen, is close in pronunciation
to the word for "carrot", ninjin. I was forever mixing those up... it's really hard to get
someone to take you seriously when you're
debating the nature of the carrot soul).
Which reminds me: native English speakers, be nice to the international students! If
someone tries to talk to you just for the
sake of practising their English, and you're
not in a hurry, take ten minutes and let
them talk. If you're feeling generous, you
could even teach them a new word. I went
to Salmon Arm for a soccer tournament
during the beginning of August, and met a
Japanese exchange student whose teammates were teaching him how to use the
word "fuck" naturally. Just think of how he
would have been laughed at, had he casually tossed off "I'm fuck tired" or "I'm tired
fucking". And how beautiful it was to hear
"I'm fucking tired," and know that he was
expressing himself much more than the
lame "I am tired." That's what it's all about,
I know I did promise an account of any
adventures with unsuspecting Japanese
boys, but I am sad to announce that my
experiments mainly ended in failure, due
to a variety of factors: (a) I was at an all-
girls' school, and most of my friends were
good girls who had no experience with the
opposite sex. (b) It took me awhile to master Japanese to the point where I could
^^^^^^^~even begin to pick someone
up, or respond appropriately
 to pick-ups. (c) Most of the
Japanese       men       forward
 enough to approach me were
in their late
thirties/forties/beyond, drunk, and disgusting. I will only go so far to satisfy the
perverse curiosities of my readers, (d) With
the Hello Kitty vibrator, who needs a man?
(e) The one hot, young Japanese guy who
picked me up in a club turned out to be a
Taiwanese guy in Japan on business (we
danced all night, then took a break to chat
and realized we shared no languages in
common... at least he was a good kisser).
(What, never heard of the language of
love? -ed)
But I did finally meet one very nice, attractive young man. I was waitressing at the
time, and he was a waiter at the same
restaurant. He was taller than me, just-
muscular-enough, and cute. Better than
that, he only took a few weeks to ask me
out. We proceeded to go on a few dates.
Unfortunately, he worked six days a week,
often from 10 AM to 10 PM. Even more
unfortunately, he had little experience with
women, let alone non-Japanese women. I
was "his first", and he was obviously looking for a little instruction and guidance in
certain areas. Had I met him soon after
arriving in Japan (rather than a month or
two before I was due to return to Canada),
perhaps I might have been a little more
patient. As it was, I found myself unable to
play the role of sexy foreign
temptress/mistress under such conditions.
You know the expression "it takes two to
tango"? Let's just say it would have ended
up with me tangoing and him stepping on
my feet. Or worse, taking notes.
However, he was a very sweet guy, and I
hope he finds that special someone who's
willing to take his hand and make him a
man, be she Japanese or Irish. And just so
that my readers don't get the impression
that Japanese men are unimpressive in
bed: I met (and sorely envied) quite a few
North American girls with Japanese partners, and they were all, shall I say, raving
fans. But of course, judging a person's sexual expertise by their race rather than their
experience/natural inclinations is just plain
silly anyway. It's like saying that blue cars
handle better. (Or that SUVs have bigger
stick shifts - va-VROOM!)
That's basically my version of What I Did
This Summer, so I think that should suffice
for now. We can get into funkier stuff once
courses get into full swing and our minds
are mercilessly messed with.
As always, I take both feedback and suggestions for future articles/ramblings at
1*1 \
^ Events and moigr
A message from the Canadian Marijuana Party
Dan Yokom
Thursdays atJ.pm
in the SUB Council
SUB 2nd Floor
Dirty Harry Potter Quotes:
http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/smut.html Page Six
9 September 2003
Jordie Yow
TQo    Capricorn
(Dec 22-Jan 19)
You are a useless waste of space. The stars
are aligned to throw you down the stairs.
K    Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Withheld until further notice.
S3    Cancer
(June 21- July 22)
You will lose most of your friends when
you poke one of them in the eye, and then
you go rob a convenience store to pay your
tuition. After this you start chain smoking
and develop a hole in your neck so you
have to smoke through your throat ewww
gross. Then you have sex with your mom
on tape and display it to everyone Clockwork Orange style. People scare easy these
±    Libra
(Sept 23-Oct 22)
You are the child of God. That's right the
Lord, Yahweh, Jehovah, King of Heaven
and all that jazz. Life is pretty damn sweet
for you. You can probably turn water into
wine and walk on water and raise the
dead. If I could raise the dead I would
make a recreation of "Versus". You know
that Japanese movie about zombies. That'd
be pretty sweet.
V    Aries
(March 21 -April 19)
If you spend too much money, you won't
have any. So be careful of overspending. If
you work hard you might get good marks.
If you come in contact with someone who
has a disease transmitted through air you
might get it. If If If. Stars aren't all they're
cracked up to be.
y$    Taurus
(April 20- May 20)
If (Taurus==TRUE) then;
Cout« "Congrats";
//I overuse the word aligned, but I blame
that on the watered down vodka I've been
~2_    Achilles
(some period of time)
Yeah I couldn't remember what this zodiac sign was so I made one up. You will be
a great hero until one day someone discovers your weak point. (It's your heel.) Then
you will die and some people will mourn...
some might rejoice I can't remember that
either. Read the story I think it's in the
Odyssey or something.
(some period of time)
You are the capillaries. You're not as
important as the arteries or even the veins,
but blood couldn't flow properly without
you. People's skin would look all weird
without you. Just like in some episode of
the Twilight Zone. Oh, no! Nobody has any
CAPILLARIES! The world is all fucked up!
Ift    Virgo
(Aug 23 - Sept 22)
When you are waiting at the Bus Loop you
will be accosted by your friend Steve who
will then take you out for drinks which
will be fun for awhile, but then he'll start
hitting on you. It won't go very smoothly
from that point on as you rush out of the
Cactus Club crying loudly.
>?    Sagittarius
(Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You just get Soul Coughing quotes. Sugar
free jazz. The baby likes soft serve.
Unmarked helicopters. Step aside and let
the man go through, let the man go
through. Take you down to Beelzebub.
Make you start going rubbadub.
H    Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
You just get Soul Coughing remixes.
Super bon bon super bon bon super bon
bon super bon bon super bon bon super
bon bon super bon bon super bon bon bon
bon bon.
TH,    Scorpio
(Oct 23 - Nov 21)
In order to hear your horoscope you
should order pizza. Now, and bring some
to me. Hawaiian would be nice. Ask where
I live with the pizza at the 432 office.
432 Headquarters, Deep in the Bowels of LSK
Currently: Steamy
Temperature: 37.6 C
Humidity: Moist
Visibility: Dark
Winds: Unfortunately
Pressure: Slight Downward
Fire In
The Hole
Release and
University of British Columbia, Vancouver BC
Currently: Rain
Temperature: Dreary
Humidity: 100%
Visibility: Ugly
Winds: Frigid
Pressure: None
More Rain
Guessed It!
1   /O   i
S.A.D.S. 9 September 2003
Page Seven
Chris Zappavigna
elcome back students for yet
another year in the Faculty of Science at UBC.
Your Science Senator is "back in black" for
yet another (and final) year.
From what I understand, the first senate
meeting of the year is going to be
cancelled due to a lack of busniess. (Editor's note: technically, we could fix his
spelling mistakes - but they're kinda funny.
Busniess - say it out loud, say it proud!
Hee!) Administratively speaking, there IS
reason to be excited for this year - we have
a new Dean, Dr. John Hepburn. I worked
hard this summer on the Dean of Science
search committee to ensure that the students of the faculty of science get the best
person for the job. Trust me, we found that
My first week back was a rather social
one. I did the cheap bzzr night on
Tuesday, I did the first PIT night on
Wednesday and I also did the concert and
football game on Friday. Saturday night
was reserved for another
"social gathering" at one Spencer Keys'
residence. Boy, does that man know how to
throw a party. Anyways, I'm going to hit
the books now. Later kids!
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social CtMaD±Lnator
Hola! Welcome (back) everybody. I
hope your first week back at
school wasn't too rough. I know
it's usually a very busy week - lining up to
buy books, getting your UBC ID, going to
class... maybe? Hopefully. SUS, in fact, has
already been out and about. Many of the
SUS execs and councillors have proudly
volunteered their time to help out at Imagine on Tuesday. On Wednesday, SUS co-
hosted the first Pit Night with AMS for
Firstweek where hopefully you bumped
into one of our Lollipop-Selling-SUSers
and bought a lollipop to support Shinera-
ma. And on Friday, we had our BBQ which
Brian, our VP Internal organized! All in all,
it was a very exciting week and I hope you
were around to join us.
But let me backtrack here and give you an
update on what we - or rather I - have been
up to this summer. Aside from taking summer courses and working on the SUS front,
I've been thinking up a storm of events for
this year, which I'll soon be sharing with
the social committee. In August, (apart
from celebrating my 20th birthday and
mourning the end of my teenage years) I
was able to speak at the International
Student Orientation and give international students in the Faculty of Science
the 411 on SUS. Other than that though,
I'd say SUS was pretty much on the back-
burner...out of commission...out of business... for the summer anyway.
But now, we're back in full effect, so keep
your ears to the street and your eyes
peeled. SUS will have some fun exciting
stuff for you this year. As the SoCo (social
coordinator), I'll be kicking things off with
Oktoberfest on October 3rd at the SUB on
the second floor in the Partyroom. We'll be
working on the nitty-gritty details of this
event at a SoCom (social committee) meeting to be held on Monday August 15th at
11:00am. If you're interested in joining the
committee or just helping out at this particular event, please come. We'll be meeting at LSK 202 in the SUS meeting room. If
you can't attend but would like to help out,
email me at ai_vi@msn.com.
Okay, well it's time to hit the books
and... .study? Riiight. I'll be in touch, rn the
mean time, make sure to stop by and say hi
to your SUS at LSK 202 or around campus
or wherever we may be. Peace out.
"I like the way you do that right THURR"
— Chingy
Lana Rupp
D. of Publications
Greetings reader! If you're reading
this you're making me as giddy
about it as a twelve year old school
girl on speed!
Also if you've read this far you might as
well either drop the class you're trying so
desperately to block out or start writing for
the 432! Come one, come all! We've got
pizza (occasionally), booze (more frequent
ly), attractive members of the opposite sex
and of course the best damn paper on earth
(well at least campus..)!
Send us articles, comics or nude pictures
to the432@hotmail.com and please direct
your questions, comments, abuse towards
me at lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca!
I would also like to take this opportunity
to apologize to the beautiful and wonderful Kristin Lyons, SUS sports rep, who's
exec report was mysteriously deleted from
the Guide. Kristin, I don't know what happened, but I'm really really sorry!
Do you want to look like
No? You don't want to look like
a complete social reject? Then
you'd better join the
SUS Social Committee!
c z
eg S>
0) o
Monday, September 15, 2003
11:00-11:45 am
LSK 202 Meeting Room
Email ai_vi@msn.com for more info
Ooops! Our Guide Editor hit the celebration bottle a
hearts, Here's Sports Rep, Kristin Lyons!
Kristin Lyons
D. of Spxts
So, what is it that science sports does
for you guys - the students? Well, first
of all, we give out rebates to science
sports teams! Rebates are available for science teams no mat
ter the sport - you just have
to make sure that your
team is classified as Science! To make sure of
this, all you have to do
is look at the registration form for each
league or event, and
it will tell you how
many imports (non
science students) you
can have on a team.
Don't have more than ^^
you're allowed, sign 1
yourself up as a science
team and a rebate can be coming your way! You will have to
hand in some stuff for a rebate, but for that
info, check out the 432 during the year or
email me at kristin_lyons@hotmail.com!
So, what else does science sports do for
you! Well, we have a sign up board in the
Science Undergraduate Society office
where you can come sign up for the league
or event of your choice! We know that it's
hard sometimes to find a team, so we're
here to help you out! You can also visit
www.legacygames.ubc.ca where you can
put your name down as a single looking
for a team or as a team looking for players!
These are both great resources if you need
some help getting a team together!
Science sports also keeps science students informed
about up coming leagues
and events! Just visit the
Science Undergraduate Society office and
there will be a board
showing you all the
upcoming leagues,
events and registration deadlines! Here
at UBC, we have a
great intramural sports
program. We have many
leagues including basket-
r ball, volleyball, ice hockey,
ball hockey, touch football, soccer, futsal, and ultimate. We also
have many intramural events and tournaments such as innertube waterpolo, win-
terfest, broomball, tennis and more! One of
the best things about university is getting
yourselves involved, and sports is a great
way to do that so come on out and join in!
Have wonderful year all-see you out there!
Did you know?
SUS reimburses science teams!
Sign up with us! Come to Klinck,
202 today! Registration Ends
soon for many fall sports
and tournaments!
See SUS Sports
Rep Kristin
Lyons for
kristin_lyons@hotmail. com
9 September 2003
UBC B.Sc.: A Tragedie/Ccmedie in 4
Andy Martin
Who the hell am I? Why am I writing in
your Newspaper? What do I now? I made
it through the gauntlet of the UBC undergraduate Science Degree. Here's a summary of non-boring stuff that I learned, experiences that you'll go through too. Just try
to look surprised when it happens:
First Year
Situation: You are a wide eyed idealist
who's not afraid of a little 'hard work' and
striving towards a better future. Experience the same feeling of confusion, alienation and insignificance that you felt upon
entering Kindergarten. This time, you
don't grab onto your mother's leg crying
because you're too cool for that now. You
begin using both backpack straps again,
as the daily load of textbooks and survival
supplies proves too much for just one
shoulder. Open your eyes wide, rub them,
then stare again at the concept that the
section you needed to get into filled up in
5 minutes.
Make numerous social faux-pas including
the sink in the Pit's washroom, the term
'Rose Bowl', going to Wreck Beach to look
for attractive nudes, and studying for arts
You hear about all these free student
resources (free tutoring, a plethora of
clubs), but an overwhelming apathy
seems to take hold whenever you hear
about them.
(Also., you pass out on a random lawn during first week, find and lose your first love on
your brother I sister floor in residence, drink
straight from the twixxer on weekends and the
occasional Monday, break your arm running
down wreck beach while high, get some piercings, forget to call your mother, and fail all
your first midterms and still come out with a
B average, -ed)
Second Year
Situation: You've used up all your frosh
credits. You think you know how the system works now. The crow's feet under
your eyes have set up shop. Courses a little harder and little more detailed. You
could've been able to afford this year's
books with the money made returning
last year's books, but you decided that
burning the books in a ceremonial camp-
fire just made the world a better place.
Your sacrifice necessitates a student loan.
You get into Arts County Fair and you celebrate by puking.
Your class contribution is presented by
your professor at a top scientific conference as data supporting the prestigious,
big-budgeted study entitled "Actually,
There is such a Thing as a Stupid Question." During your chemistry lab, you
stumble upon the cure to Ebola, then
promptly add 2 grams of MgCl, destroying it forever.
(Also., videos that ensure you will never be
able to run for office are made and fall into the
wrong hands -ed)
Third Year
Situation: As all the eclectic prerequisite
courses are over, your course load actual
ly now looks like you're training to
become good at what the title of your
degree says you're supposed to be able to
do. All of a sudden, you realize that, for
your whole life, none of your teachers
knew anything about what they were
teaching you. Forget to register altogether.
But it's okay because you no longer have
to rush to get into any required courses.
You stare at your All I need to know, I
learned in Kindergarten' and you wonder
why the instructions of an ANOVA aren't
included. At 4AM on a Sunday in early
April, you briefly wish you were in Arts
so you could've done your term paper on
that Calvin and Hobbes strip about Choco
Sugar Frosted Bomb-o's.
Fourth Year
Situation: Prepare. For what? You won't
know 'til it hits you. Prepare for the best.
Prepare for the worst. Prepare to graduate. Prepare to not graduate. Prepare to
not not graduate. Prepare for the end of
the beginning of the beginning of the end
of the beginning of the end of the end.
Prepare to land somewhere in that grey
area between graduating and not. But
meanwhile, prepare for some tough
courses. Pass Math 101 so it doesn't interfere with your graduation plans. Your
brain is honed to a sharp edge that
enables you to put together passable
reports in half the cram time you used to
need. You think you're the smartest person in the world, until you look up 'Reticulated' in the medical dictionary and realize that you have to sing the alphabet
song to remember if R comes before S You
look to graduation as both a salvation and
a gateway to the 'real world'.
Fifth Year
Situation: Whoops.
Make room in student budget for 'Math
101 Bribe'
Sixth Year
Situation: You realize that you're chosen
field of expertise a) is actually really hard
and boring, b) has no jobs, c) was chosen
because you thought it sounded cool, d)
all of the above. You re-start a new degree
in a new field, a brave decision that will
retard having to actually grow up for
another few years. You might as well edit
the 432. You've been writing for the thing
for 5 years. You earn a stint as a TA to
earn a little cash. You see the other side of
the coin, the side that landed face down in
a pile of dog-doo. You send all of your
previous TAs formal letters of apology.
Seventh Year
Situation: What's so great about the real
world anyways?
Eighth Year
Situation: Shut up and leave me alone!
People who were frosh when you were
supposed to finish your degree have are
graduating. Your cumulated elective
courses qualify you for a completely unrelated bachelors degree. Once again, you
look graduation in the face. It's either it or
you. This time we finish it.
Andy was the man I looked up to most in my
first year. Look how I turned out. *Sobs*
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