VOLUME SEVENTEEN ISSUE UNO 9 October 2003 "Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this." J. K. Rowling: Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix (p.343) Tuition and Enfcrcpy Linked! Second Law of Thermodynamics proves true for Martha's Bean Counters It doesn't take a Sauder SoB student to notice that tuition this year seems slightly larger than normal. And although nine out of ten women will tell you that going up and staying up and then when you least expect it getting even bigger is not usually a thing to complain about, university tuition might be an exception. Economists and physicists have been meeting regularly (we feed them bran pizza) at 432 offices to discover the root of our ever-swelling tuition. Their discoveries may shock even the stout of heart and the protected of pocket. The thermodynamic second law states that given a closed system, entropy will In this ISSUE: t Cone for the » Jay Garcia (p.2) Stay for the svveet, svveet love d% Swim in the UlT Dead Pool (p.3) Burning Bush (P-4) ^? Check Out Mr. Social (p.4) Krack is Back (p.5) _% Accurate To With ^ in 2.5% 19 tines out of 20 Horo scopes (p.6) ^ Exec Propoganda (P-7) Sj~ The Alpha and dC* Omega Mr. Martin mSfct (p.8) always increase. Can anyone think of any other things which seem to invariably increase? That's right, Mr. Tuition. So where is the connection? The 432 asked Dr. Nikolaus Steele of the institute of Monetary Physics in New Mexico if our theory held any weight; his response: shocked silence. Obviously our theory has knocked the socks off his old hard ass. Martha Piper, we're on to you, we can see the scientific method behind your tuition increase, and we applaud your efforts. By basing your economics on a law as solid and real as entropy you've managed to keep curious students from seeing your master plan. As we look around this beautiful campus we can see other occurrences of physics within your scheme. The next most obvious physical relation is that of the brownian motion of residence students this year. The random movement of students in, out, and around residences has left us in a whirl this summer. Many students being told that they had been placed in junior residences for a third year, or being moved to waiting lists after three years residing in University residences. When student numbers are linked to the respective movement of the student, one begins to see a pattern forming, and what is that pattern you ask? Utter chaos. Further connections have been made between the quality of Totem Park Cafeteria food and atomic decay, and an inversely proportional correlation has been made between Pit Pub patrons skirt lengths and the number of large barking rats terrorizing the student population in and around the SUB. When asked about the significance of these mathematical relationships, Dr. Steele's response: "We're sorry, but the number you dialed is not in service. Please hang up and try your call again." While writing this article, Death visited the 432 offices and, after killing the printer, sat down to give us some filler material: according to him, tuition-related suicides are up by 12%, and in completely unrelated small talk he mentioned three senior profs are about to knock off. We have yet to verify either of these sets of information. In related news, it seems that while making the new budget and allocating tuition, the UBC accounting squad purchased an unprecedented amount of Viagra, which they claim to have lost in the Bermuda triangle. Tuition hasn't gone up since, but they all went home tired after that long hard, engorged week. UBC Town Planned, UBC Downtown Eastside to fcUow- The University of British Columbia has released it's latest plans for the "University Town". These plans not only include areas designated for apartments, condominiums and a strip mall area, but also safe injection sites and STD clinics. The university feels that these plans will lead to a more "well-rounded, urban" feel to their town. Modeled after the urban sprawls found in such great locales as Compton and the Bronx, the new University Town will feature pimps, Johns, pushers, and junkies for that added "real world" feel. John Fitzgerald, creative consultant to the "University Town" project states that "With all these amenities so convenient located for junior residences, frosh will no longer feel the need to cruise Hastings looking for their 'fix'". The AUS has given their thumbs up to the plan, informing the university administration that the new town will provide their constituents with the "well rounded" education that most of them entered the facul ty in order to receive. Worried parents have already flooded the University Planning offices in order to appeal the plan. We have contacted Dr. Piper in hopes of receiving an interview or statement of any kind. Unfortunately, her office has informed us that she is currently unavailable; out of town visiting an old friend who apparently lives "underneath the bridge on the way into town", where she will stop and "open the door to let him Vegetable Cooking Spray Exec Cellphones More Speedbump You Lube for the Student Body's " Asses Cock Martha's Crack Distribution Increase Page Two THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 9 September 2003 Volume Seventeen Issue Uno 9 September 2003 Editor Lana Rupp lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca Ass. Editors Rob Cross (Friend) Dan Anderson (Fiend) Contributors Sameer Wahid Jay Garcia Dan Anderson Jordie Yow Robert Cross Jo Krack Lana Rupp Eric Tong Andy Martin Anna-Marie Bueno Dan Yokom Kristin Lyons Brian MacLean Frank Yang Chris Anderson Chris Zappavigna Lady Death Printed by College Printers, Vancouver, BC Legal Information The editors of the 432 would like to encourage reader feedback. Just please stop with the burning bags of dog excrement. Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com All views expressed in this issue are strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle thrice, and contain the author's name and contact information. Thrice, we said. Burning Down the House \\Wty Jay Garcia Q'Ji ? Decagod Ten years on rhis campus, and all i can think is "Where the hell did all this money for infrastructure come from?" It's easier to get an endowment for a building that the University can name after the endower than it would be to grub for cash spent on such frivolous things as, you know, reducing class sizes and paying for more labs. I mean, if they're going to go this route, they should just see if big-name movie stars who love Vancouver would be willing to pony up the cash for a building with their name on it. I shudder to think of the consequences though. What would be taught at the Affleck center? Media studies? Maybe they should just consider cash grants to temporary rename current structures. The Jackie Chan Center for the Performing Arts has a nice ring to it. But still, the money pours in for new buildings. For example, the new nursing structure near the B-Lots. It's nice that they saved the statues from the old nursing building and placed them on the rooftop corners (bets on the length of time 'til Engineering defacement, anyone?), but I'm sure that the cash could have gone to alleviate nursing class sizes. Sometimes I'm forced to imagine a cabal of People In Expensive Suits, sitting in a darkened room, smoking Cuban cigars and proclaiming "Ah hell, screw the TA's — we'll use the money for buildings instead. Buildings and hookers!" In a similar vein, what the heck happened to all the roads? While I was no fan of East Mall's shoddilly maintained blacktop, I did enjoy the odd unplanned airborne excursion when my car hit a bad combination of speedbump / pothole ("my god, it's full of stars!"). Now East Mall's all paved avenues, elevated crosswalks and fancy turnarounds. It no longer contributes to this campus' Social Darwinistic concerns. I mean, if frosh don't have to scatter before speeding cars, or over-riced Honda's don't lose their undercarriage over the bumps, then East Mall just isn't doing its job to weed out the slow and the foolish. Then there's the reversion of Main Library back to it's original state — without the massively tacky add-ons that were the Stacks. While it's a modification that's cheaper than the addition of Koerner library, it's about as emotionally wrenching to an old-timer as the loss of Sedgewick library (which was absorbed into Koerners, and had the comfiest sleeping couches known to undergraduate life). I mean, the Stacks were where people who didn't have their own rooms on campus went when they were looking for a quick knees-up. Given that no-one but desperate Artsies ever went up the ridiculously narrow stairs to brave the fetid atmosphere of the top floors, privacy was virtually assured. And now the Stacks are being torn down, and replaced by a robotic archiving system, which is cool and all (and probably expensive as all get out), but my beef is that, if anyone's got a right to tear down the University libraries, it should be the students. And, what about the SUB? Mike Kingsmill's got just about the cushiest job ever — renovate with the cash provided, or lose the cash. Previous years' efforts in this regard were subtler (or, alternately, I was too damn blind to notice the Convenient Tanking Pond on the roof until it was too late), but the modifications to the basement are as noticeable as the world music pulsing from The Snack Attack. I mean, The Honour Roll? Good concept, decent execution, absolutely horrendous name. It's a pun so big that you could see it from space, and so horrible that it implodes the very nature of spacetime — kind of like the Black Hole of punning. Some might say that the extra seatage around said eatery is a welcome relief from standing awkwardly around the old Arcade and searing your hands with dripping chili. Bah! Dodging dripping chili and other piping-hot comestibles are character-developing, and encourages the kind of manual dextrous- ness and innovative thinking that serve students well in their future graduate careers. I must say, though, that I do approve of the soul-deadening colour scheme that they chose for the flooring. It shows that the university administration hasn't changed so much that they've forgotten how to make things cheap and hideous, and utterly unresponsive to student needs or desires. Furthermore, I've got to say that moving the Arcade to the former Bank of Montreal location was a stroke of genius, because its new location both allows and encourages students to frequent it at normal student hours — which is to say, around three to five in the morning, after far too many beers or too much studying stress. I guess my real complaint isn't so much that the cash is being mis-spent on construction and renovation on this campus; in many ways, it's really needed and vastly necessary. I'm just peeved that I missed my early chance to cut in on this cash cow. Ah well; that massive blood research clinic next to the Donald Rix building isn't complete yet — plenty of opportunities to misappropriate funds there. Kristin Lyons is an earth-bound Goddess! Write for us. We have pizza and beer and midgets. The 432 is always looking for new writers, satire or serious Send us your best work. A picture of you in your underwear does not count as your best work. the432@hotmail. com The Next Deadline is September 19 at 4:32pm We are also interested in cartoonists, photographers, editting types, and general minions. We' re serious about the midgets. 9 September 2003 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three Taker Under DEATH with 30% more dead! Welcome back kiddies! I had a terrific summer full of tragedy, sorrow and Mai Tais. I trust you've all lingered in the sun just long enough to hasten my visit. rn case you hadn't noticed, last year, not one of you faithful deadpoolers guessed anyone's death correctly and on time. In fact, nobody even got the prize. More fun for me -1 got to go to ACF for free, and the liver problems I set in motion there will leave a lasting taste in lives for years to come. All you drunken drivers - you're only Death's best friend. I'm not complaining or anything, but you'd think you'd side with the guy who doesn't look like Skeleton rn other news, cancer, heart disease, and AIDS are still endemic. Also, I won $40 at the ponies - go, Blue Lace, go! It was a good summer for me. So, this year, get those ESP flash cards out and start practicing. The contest of the eon is back for an eighth year, and you've got to guess guess guess those soon to be stiffs. And now, the rules: All submissions will be counted. Any people who die before the list is recieved will not count towards the points total. All people named must be public figures; Joe Smith from Armonk doesn't count. Martha Piper, however, does. You don't get points if you kill them - but I suppose we'd need to find out. (Silly humans - death sees all!) Points are rated based on the rank of the guess; the top person is worth 15 points, the next 14, the next 13, and so on down to 1. If you put more on, lucky you, but you get a big fat 0 points each. The prizes? They vary - third and second are usually clothing and or event tickets, and first prize is normally some amount of liquid joy combinedwith a pair of event tickets. Liquid joy being a brand name for a detergent, of course. In unrelated news, Death I. Personified (the I stands for Incarnate - I know, my folks weren't too bright) can't be sued for giving people alcohol for no reason. A corpse upon both your houses. Dead Pool VIII Entry Sheet Your name: Your e-mail address: Your phone number: , Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail your picks to the432 @hotmail.com Watch Out: We're Here. I -black hand Page Four THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 9 September 2003 Burning Busli y—j — —— ^r *—^_W_^_^_to \_)oa6\t&.j \ fti' on wn wy s> ■; eric tong 2003 ericggsensilivitych eck.com $#1 UWV. wnK Mr. Social Bzzr Gzggles I would like to be the first on this campus to state that the quality level of the beer gardens has gone significantly down since the inception of my degree. The days of yore, when a beer garden would attract a reasonable volume of members of both genders, when music could be heard coming out of amplifiers and guitars, instead of boom boxes and ghetto blasters, seem to have faded into the mists. As I myself am a frequenter of said events, as well as someone who has planned them in the past, I feel it is my duty to not only report on what I see, but to offer friendly suggestions to the clubs and constuencies who hold them. To begin with, since this year has only had two crap-tastic beer gardens to date, I would like to mention a few things which I have noticed, in hopes that those unfortunate few who plan these events may learn from the mistakes of others. If I feel the inkling to continue this silly serial, it will likely be an outline of where I've partied, and what was wrong with it. But now to the suggestions, don't say I didn't warn you SoCo's... Rule I: The Rule of Nursing, or How the Engineers go Horribly Wrong This rule is quite simple, and makes the most sense of any of the many things I have learned at the beer gardens I've attended. Here goes: A good party needs only one ingredient, WOMEN. Females draw males, which draw more females, it's a beautiful snowball effect! Nothing makes men want to drink like knowing there's a DririkLng Is Yes? location where they will be horribly shot down. And nothing attracts women to a party like knowing that there'll be plenty of boys to laugh at. This being said, the engineers don't quite have it right. They have plenty of boys to laugh at, but they don't ensure the high female population which needs to be there in the first place. Bring women, and the boys will follow. Trust me. (Bqqr gardens might find a loophole to this one somehow, -ed) Rule II: The Rule of Attraction, or How most Beer Gardens Make me Cry. Okay, another simple one. Let's imagine you're walking down the road, and you hear some music being played. I'm not talking about music on a radio, I'm talking about live musicians playing real instruments. Most people will at least go to check out where that damn noise is coming from. When they get there, they will be lured in by the copious amounts of booze and the high quantity of women (which are surely there thanks to rule I, right?). If that doesn't get them, the gimicks surely will, read rule IE. Rule III: Thank you Chemistry, or Why I drink out of Beakers every night... Chem parties are good, not amazing. They happen too damn early for me, and by the time I get there, the only thing to snack on is pretzels. Their DJ is usually pretty good (but not as good as a good live band would be. Call me old fashioned, but repetitive music just ain't my thing when drinking) and their beer is made by R&B, which I appreciate. Honestly though, the reason that their party is always packed to capacity, with the nubile young Totemites jumping over their crude yellow-string wall, is because they have the most awesome gim- ick in the world, BEAKERS! Rule IV: This One's for You, Kids, or How to Make it the Party of their Lives... Frosh, you love them, I love them. I mean honestly, how can you NOT love them. They're enthusiastic, they're eager, and they have no preconceptions about anything. I'm not saying invite them to your parties, that would be illegal, well, for more than 50% of them at least. All I'm saying, is make them feel comfortable. Anyone who's lived in residence, or works for the RCMP, knows that nobody rocks wreck like the ladies and gentlemen of Totem (except the Robson boys, obviously -ed). Dorm parties win hands down for me every time. The TPRA and PVRA have the unique pleasure of being two of the only groups on campus who have the opportunity to plan events directly for frosh. How I envy you, they are so easy to please.... Heh. Meanwhile, around campus... AMS Firstweek: Crap. Okay, I'll break it down a bit... Imagine Day: Lots of frosh, not enough booze. Yelled a lot and inspired the young, can't talk now. Rating: 4/10 Main Event Carnival: Free Stuff, Lame Party. Didn't go. Rating: ?/10 Harland Williams: Hey, AMS, why don't you waste more of my money on worthless has-beens? Rating: Shit/10 Open-Air Pit Night: Two words: Drunk. Wow, that was a dirty, dirty night at the pit. But what night isn't. It's still the pit, and I still don't really want to be there. Noticed one girl who had a see through skirt on. I'm sure it wasn't "supposed" to be see through, but when you spill that much booze on your belt-thick white cotton mistake it's bound to turn transparent. Rating: Sleaze/10 Improv Show: Usually good, but I was drunk and didn't go. I'm sure Spencer Keys enjoyed it. Rating: 9/10 Big Cool Concert: Big Stupid Name. Hey, I have an idea, why doesn't the AMS get someone with taste in music in power, then we can avoid getting crap for a first concert of the year. Hey AMS Events: Stop hiring has-beens! And just because a band has one hit song doesn't mean that they are cool... or big for that matter. Even if that was the name of their breakthrough single! Rating: Nicht so gut, ja? EUS Cheeze Tub: Honestly, I love this party, and not just because of the cheep bzzr. Usually at this point in the year, it is still possible for the EUS to lure young frosh girls (or PP's as they call them) to the cheeze to party down with them. As well as nurtzes and other females. Which makes this one of my yearly musts... regardless, I stayed home and got drunk with my old ATS buddies... oops. Rating: Geertacular I suspect. In conclusion: I think I'll have a beer and hit a totem dance. 9 September 2003 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Five Rrji Can t Hold Ms, No No No Jo Krack J-Racka Welcome (back) to UBC everyone! Those of you who (a) are returning (b) read any of my stuff last year, already know that I just returned from an exchange year in Osaka, Japan. No, I didn't do the Ritsumeikan exchange, or the Waseda one, or any of those other hoity-toity programs that expect you to "complete assignments" and "attend classes", and which threaten to send your transcripts back to UBC so that they'll know you've been goofing off when you were supposed to be "exercising your commitment to lifelong learning." Anyway. I did get to visit some of the big universities and see students actually STUDYING, in the LIBRARY no less, but at my tiny school (about the size of Buchanan), students dressed waaay hoochier than UBC first years and visited the library primarily to view its extensive DVD collection. (Why don't we have that at UBC?) Let's just say I had a relaxing year. I mean, lots of reflection and personal growth... yeah, that's the ticket! Being back at UBC (and in Canada, for that matter!) is a bit of a shock. It's nice to be operating in my native tongue though: I am thrilled to be able to read things without having to think first, and to speak without struggling to find the right word (for example, the word for "human" in Japanese, ningen, is close in pronunciation to the word for "carrot", ninjin. I was forever mixing those up... it's really hard to get someone to take you seriously when you're debating the nature of the carrot soul). Which reminds me: native English speakers, be nice to the international students! If someone tries to talk to you just for the sake of practising their English, and you're not in a hurry, take ten minutes and let them talk. If you're feeling generous, you could even teach them a new word. I went to Salmon Arm for a soccer tournament during the beginning of August, and met a Japanese exchange student whose teammates were teaching him how to use the word "fuck" naturally. Just think of how he would have been laughed at, had he casually tossed off "I'm fuck tired" or "I'm tired fucking". And how beautiful it was to hear "I'm fucking tired," and know that he was expressing himself much more than the lame "I am tired." That's what it's all about, people. I know I did promise an account of any adventures with unsuspecting Japanese boys, but I am sad to announce that my experiments mainly ended in failure, due to a variety of factors: (a) I was at an all- girls' school, and most of my friends were good girls who had no experience with the opposite sex. (b) It took me awhile to master Japanese to the point where I could ^^^^^^^~even begin to pick someone up, or respond appropriately to pick-ups. (c) Most of the Japanese men forward enough to approach me were in their late thirties/forties/beyond, drunk, and disgusting. I will only go so far to satisfy the perverse curiosities of my readers, (d) With the Hello Kitty vibrator, who needs a man? (e) The one hot, young Japanese guy who picked me up in a club turned out to be a Taiwanese guy in Japan on business (we danced all night, then took a break to chat and realized we shared no languages in common... at least he was a good kisser). (What, never heard of the language of love? -ed) But I did finally meet one very nice, attractive young man. I was waitressing at the time, and he was a waiter at the same restaurant. He was taller than me, just- muscular-enough, and cute. Better than that, he only took a few weeks to ask me out. We proceeded to go on a few dates. Unfortunately, he worked six days a week, often from 10 AM to 10 PM. Even more unfortunately, he had little experience with women, let alone non-Japanese women. I was "his first", and he was obviously looking for a little instruction and guidance in certain areas. Had I met him soon after arriving in Japan (rather than a month or two before I was due to return to Canada), perhaps I might have been a little more patient. As it was, I found myself unable to play the role of sexy foreign temptress/mistress under such conditions. You know the expression "it takes two to tango"? Let's just say it would have ended up with me tangoing and him stepping on my feet. Or worse, taking notes. However, he was a very sweet guy, and I hope he finds that special someone who's willing to take his hand and make him a man, be she Japanese or Irish. And just so that my readers don't get the impression that Japanese men are unimpressive in bed: I met (and sorely envied) quite a few North American girls with Japanese partners, and they were all, shall I say, raving fans. But of course, judging a person's sexual expertise by their race rather than their experience/natural inclinations is just plain silly anyway. It's like saying that blue cars handle better. (Or that SUVs have bigger stick shifts - va-VROOM!) That's basically my version of What I Did This Summer, so I think that should suffice for now. We can get into funkier stuff once courses get into full swing and our minds are mercilessly messed with. As always, I take both feedback and suggestions for future articles/ramblings at gimmekrack@hotmail.com. ITT 1*1 \ ^ Events and moigr A message from the Canadian Marijuana Party Dan Yokom President Thursdays atJ.pm in the SUB Council Chambers SUB 2nd Floor Dirty Harry Potter Quotes: http://www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/smut.html Page Six THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 9 September 2003 Horoscopomatipus Jordie Yow Oraclular TQo Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are a useless waste of space. The stars are aligned to throw you down the stairs. K Pisces (Feb 19-March 20) Withheld until further notice. S3 Cancer (June 21- July 22) You will lose most of your friends when you poke one of them in the eye, and then you go rob a convenience store to pay your tuition. After this you start chain smoking and develop a hole in your neck so you have to smoke through your throat ewww gross. Then you have sex with your mom on tape and display it to everyone Clockwork Orange style. People scare easy these days. ± Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) You are the child of God. That's right the Lord, Yahweh, Jehovah, King of Heaven and all that jazz. Life is pretty damn sweet for you. You can probably turn water into wine and walk on water and raise the dead. If I could raise the dead I would make a recreation of "Versus". You know that Japanese movie about zombies. That'd be pretty sweet. V Aries (March 21 -April 19) If you spend too much money, you won't have any. So be careful of overspending. If you work hard you might get good marks. If you come in contact with someone who has a disease transmitted through air you might get it. If If If. Stars aren't all they're cracked up to be. y$ Taurus (April 20- May 20) If (Taurus==TRUE) then; StarsAlignedlnYourFavour(true); Cout« "Congrats"; End; //I overuse the word aligned, but I blame that on the watered down vodka I've been drinking ~2_ Achilles (some period of time) Yeah I couldn't remember what this zodiac sign was so I made one up. You will be a great hero until one day someone discovers your weak point. (It's your heel.) Then you will die and some people will mourn... some might rejoice I can't remember that either. Read the story I think it's in the Odyssey or something. X Capillaries (some period of time) You are the capillaries. You're not as important as the arteries or even the veins, but blood couldn't flow properly without you. People's skin would look all weird without you. Just like in some episode of the Twilight Zone. Oh, no! Nobody has any CAPILLARIES! The world is all fucked up! Ift Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) When you are waiting at the Bus Loop you will be accosted by your friend Steve who will then take you out for drinks which will be fun for awhile, but then he'll start hitting on you. It won't go very smoothly from that point on as you rush out of the Cactus Club crying loudly. >? Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You just get Soul Coughing quotes. Sugar free jazz. The baby likes soft serve. Unmarked helicopters. Step aside and let the man go through, let the man go through. Take you down to Beelzebub. Make you start going rubbadub. H Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You just get Soul Coughing remixes. Super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon super bon bon bon bon bon. TH, Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) In order to hear your horoscope you should order pizza. Now, and bring some to me. Hawaiian would be nice. Ask where I live with the pizza at the 432 office. 432 Headquarters, Deep in the Bowels of LSK Currently: Steamy Temperature: 37.6 C Humidity: Moist Visibility: Dark Winds: Unfortunately Pressure: Slight Downward Yesterday Today Tonight Tomorrow Saturday Sunday Clogged Bowels Runny Bowels Fire In The Hole Toilet Humour Preparation H Release and Flooding University of British Columbia, Vancouver BC ^PB Currently: Rain Temperature: Dreary Humidity: 100% Visibility: Ugly Winds: Frigid Pressure: None Yesterday Today Tonight Tomorrow Saturday Sunday _d Rain More Rain Evening Showers You Guessed It! Escape 1 /O i S.A.D.S. 9 September 2003 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Seven SUS WHAT? Chris Zappavigna Senator w elcome back students for yet another year in the Faculty of Science at UBC. Your Science Senator is "back in black" for yet another (and final) year. From what I understand, the first senate meeting of the year is going to be cancelled due to a lack of busniess. (Editor's note: technically, we could fix his spelling mistakes - but they're kinda funny. Busniess - say it out loud, say it proud! Hee!) Administratively speaking, there IS reason to be excited for this year - we have a new Dean, Dr. John Hepburn. I worked hard this summer on the Dean of Science search committee to ensure that the students of the faculty of science get the best person for the job. Trust me, we found that person. My first week back was a rather social one. I did the cheap bzzr night on Tuesday, I did the first PIT night on Wednesday and I also did the concert and football game on Friday. Saturday night was reserved for another "social gathering" at one Spencer Keys' residence. Boy, does that man know how to throw a party. Anyways, I'm going to hit the books now. Later kids! Chris Anna-Marie Bueno Social CtMaD±Lnator Hola! Welcome (back) everybody. I hope your first week back at school wasn't too rough. I know it's usually a very busy week - lining up to buy books, getting your UBC ID, going to class... maybe? Hopefully. SUS, in fact, has already been out and about. Many of the SUS execs and councillors have proudly volunteered their time to help out at Imagine on Tuesday. On Wednesday, SUS co- hosted the first Pit Night with AMS for Firstweek where hopefully you bumped into one of our Lollipop-Selling-SUSers and bought a lollipop to support Shinera- ma. And on Friday, we had our BBQ which Brian, our VP Internal organized! All in all, it was a very exciting week and I hope you were around to join us. But let me backtrack here and give you an update on what we - or rather I - have been up to this summer. Aside from taking summer courses and working on the SUS front, I've been thinking up a storm of events for this year, which I'll soon be sharing with the social committee. In August, (apart from celebrating my 20th birthday and mourning the end of my teenage years) I was able to speak at the International Student Orientation and give international students in the Faculty of Science the 411 on SUS. Other than that though, I'd say SUS was pretty much on the back- burner...out of commission...out of business... for the summer anyway. But now, we're back in full effect, so keep your ears to the street and your eyes peeled. SUS will have some fun exciting stuff for you this year. As the SoCo (social coordinator), I'll be kicking things off with Oktoberfest on October 3rd at the SUB on the second floor in the Partyroom. We'll be working on the nitty-gritty details of this event at a SoCom (social committee) meeting to be held on Monday August 15th at 11:00am. If you're interested in joining the committee or just helping out at this particular event, please come. We'll be meeting at LSK 202 in the SUS meeting room. If you can't attend but would like to help out, email me at ai_vi@msn.com. Okay, well it's time to hit the books and... .study? Riiight. I'll be in touch, rn the mean time, make sure to stop by and say hi to your SUS at LSK 202 or around campus or wherever we may be. Peace out. "I like the way you do that right THURR" — Chingy Lana Rupp D. of Publications Greetings reader! If you're reading this you're making me as giddy about it as a twelve year old school girl on speed! Also if you've read this far you might as well either drop the class you're trying so desperately to block out or start writing for the 432! Come one, come all! We've got pizza (occasionally), booze (more frequent ly), attractive members of the opposite sex and of course the best damn paper on earth (well at least campus..)! Send us articles, comics or nude pictures to the432@hotmail.com and please direct your questions, comments, abuse towards me at lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca! I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to the beautiful and wonderful Kristin Lyons, SUS sports rep, who's exec report was mysteriously deleted from the Guide. Kristin, I don't know what happened, but I'm really really sorry! Do you want to look like THIS? No? You don't want to look like a complete social reject? Then you'd better join the SUS Social Committee! c z S2.0 eg S> 0) o 01 0> Monday, September 15, 2003 11:00-11:45 am LSK 202 Meeting Room Email ai_vi@msn.com for more info »! _8 CD CD CD Ooops! Our Guide Editor hit the celebration bottle a hearts, Here's Sports Rep, Kristin Lyons! Kristin Lyons D. of Spxts So, what is it that science sports does for you guys - the students? Well, first of all, we give out rebates to science sports teams! Rebates are available for science teams no mat ter the sport - you just have to make sure that your team is classified as Science! To make sure of this, all you have to do is look at the registration form for each league or event, and it will tell you how many imports (non science students) you can have on a team. Don't have more than ^^ you're allowed, sign 1 yourself up as a science team and a rebate can be coming your way! You will have to hand in some stuff for a rebate, but for that info, check out the 432 during the year or email me at kristin_lyons@hotmail.com! So, what else does science sports do for you! Well, we have a sign up board in the Science Undergraduate Society office where you can come sign up for the league or event of your choice! We know that it's hard sometimes to find a team, so we're here to help you out! You can also visit www.legacygames.ubc.ca where you can put your name down as a single looking for a team or as a team looking for players! These are both great resources if you need some help getting a team together! Science sports also keeps science students informed about up coming leagues and events! Just visit the Science Undergraduate Society office and there will be a board showing you all the upcoming leagues, events and registration deadlines! Here at UBC, we have a great intramural sports program. We have many leagues including basket- r ball, volleyball, ice hockey, ball hockey, touch football, soccer, futsal, and ultimate. We also have many intramural events and tournaments such as innertube waterpolo, win- terfest, broomball, tennis and more! One of the best things about university is getting yourselves involved, and sports is a great way to do that so come on out and join in! Have wonderful year all-see you out there! 5P0RT57! DO VOU LIKE... Did you know? SUS reimburses science teams! Sign up with us! Come to Klinck, 202 today! Registration Ends soon for many fall sports and tournaments! HURRY! Do IT NOW! See SUS Sports Rep Kristin Lyons for details! kristin_lyons@hotmail. com COME G£T SWEATY WITH SVS FOR Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 9 September 2003 UBC B.Sc.: A Tragedie/Ccmedie in 4 Andy Martin 'Clairvoyeuristic' Who the hell am I? Why am I writing in your Newspaper? What do I now? I made it through the gauntlet of the UBC undergraduate Science Degree. Here's a summary of non-boring stuff that I learned, experiences that you'll go through too. Just try to look surprised when it happens: First Year Situation: You are a wide eyed idealist who's not afraid of a little 'hard work' and striving towards a better future. Experience the same feeling of confusion, alienation and insignificance that you felt upon entering Kindergarten. This time, you don't grab onto your mother's leg crying because you're too cool for that now. You begin using both backpack straps again, as the daily load of textbooks and survival supplies proves too much for just one shoulder. Open your eyes wide, rub them, then stare again at the concept that the section you needed to get into filled up in 5 minutes. Make numerous social faux-pas including the sink in the Pit's washroom, the term 'Rose Bowl', going to Wreck Beach to look for attractive nudes, and studying for arts electives. You hear about all these free student resources (free tutoring, a plethora of clubs), but an overwhelming apathy seems to take hold whenever you hear about them. (Also., you pass out on a random lawn during first week, find and lose your first love on your brother I sister floor in residence, drink straight from the twixxer on weekends and the occasional Monday, break your arm running down wreck beach while high, get some piercings, forget to call your mother, and fail all your first midterms and still come out with a B average, -ed) Second Year Situation: You've used up all your frosh credits. You think you know how the system works now. The crow's feet under your eyes have set up shop. Courses a little harder and little more detailed. You could've been able to afford this year's books with the money made returning last year's books, but you decided that burning the books in a ceremonial camp- fire just made the world a better place. Your sacrifice necessitates a student loan. You get into Arts County Fair and you celebrate by puking. Your class contribution is presented by your professor at a top scientific conference as data supporting the prestigious, big-budgeted study entitled "Actually, There is such a Thing as a Stupid Question." During your chemistry lab, you stumble upon the cure to Ebola, then promptly add 2 grams of MgCl, destroying it forever. (Also., videos that ensure you will never be able to run for office are made and fall into the wrong hands -ed) Third Year Situation: As all the eclectic prerequisite courses are over, your course load actual ly now looks like you're training to become good at what the title of your degree says you're supposed to be able to do. All of a sudden, you realize that, for your whole life, none of your teachers knew anything about what they were teaching you. Forget to register altogether. But it's okay because you no longer have to rush to get into any required courses. You stare at your All I need to know, I learned in Kindergarten' and you wonder why the instructions of an ANOVA aren't included. At 4AM on a Sunday in early April, you briefly wish you were in Arts so you could've done your term paper on that Calvin and Hobbes strip about Choco Sugar Frosted Bomb-o's. Fourth Year Situation: Prepare. For what? You won't know 'til it hits you. Prepare for the best. Prepare for the worst. Prepare to graduate. Prepare to not graduate. Prepare to not not graduate. Prepare for the end of the beginning of the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end of the end. Prepare to land somewhere in that grey area between graduating and not. But meanwhile, prepare for some tough courses. Pass Math 101 so it doesn't interfere with your graduation plans. Your brain is honed to a sharp edge that enables you to put together passable reports in half the cram time you used to need. You think you're the smartest person in the world, until you look up 'Reticulated' in the medical dictionary and realize that you have to sing the alphabet song to remember if R comes before S You look to graduation as both a salvation and a gateway to the 'real world'. Fifth Year Situation: Whoops. Make room in student budget for 'Math 101 Bribe' Sixth Year Situation: You realize that you're chosen field of expertise a) is actually really hard and boring, b) has no jobs, c) was chosen because you thought it sounded cool, d) all of the above. You re-start a new degree in a new field, a brave decision that will retard having to actually grow up for another few years. You might as well edit the 432. You've been writing for the thing for 5 years. You earn a stint as a TA to earn a little cash. You see the other side of the coin, the side that landed face down in a pile of dog-doo. You send all of your previous TAs formal letters of apology. Seventh Year Situation: What's so great about the real world anyways? Eighth Year Situation: Shut up and leave me alone! People who were frosh when you were supposed to finish your degree have are graduating. Your cumulated elective courses qualify you for a completely unrelated bachelors degree. Once again, you look graduation in the face. 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