UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 1, 1993

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Array Oj, titta, pojkar och flickor! Nu har vi tolv sidor! Vad spannande!
Ursschj shge. burnggj
reh hunh biniski bu.j
Hehr rjiisch beclorr j
hnhjber huhr.
Boork! Boork! Boorki!
TidningentillVetenskapsstudenter •Vol6Nr9-
Executive "Dream Team" Looking to Threepeat as Champs.
 Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
Well, folks, it's that time of
year once again. That's right,
baseball season is just around
the corner, and the folks
down at SUS are making
plans for their 1993
Executive All-Star Team
Election as we speak.
Sign-up for spring training
will take place between
February 1st and 8th, and
anyone who's interested in a
job is encouraged to come
and try out. Fan balloting will
take place February 22nd to
24th, which will give us what
many predict to be the team
to beat in 1993.
Said Hall-of-Famer and
former five-time league MVP
Erik "Catfish" Jensen, "The
Jays don't stand a chance this
year. They used dirty triclis to
get Molitor out from under
our noses, but it won't help.
They're finished."
And now, a brief summary
of the positions up for balloting {ass't. ed. note: the serious list is buried in the back
President: The boss. The
cheese. The starter. Don't
bother applying if your
_ ERA last season was
anything over 2.20. Cy
Young winners welcome,
but guaranteed to be
grossly underpaid.
Internal Vice-Prez: Our first
baseman, and usually a
big inside hitter.
Coordinates Teaching
Review & Elections, and
is in charge with dealing
with Plate Umpire
External Vice-Prez:
Formerly out in left field,
now moved to centre
where he can oversee the
field staff better. Power
outside hitter. Official
liaison with other teams,
including the Bad News
Geers, and the Owners'
Union (AMS). Also
coordinates Science
.    Week.
Director Of Publications:
Third base/batboy. Prints
the programs, does the
play-by-play, and also
deals with the AMS.
Executive Secretary: The
catcher. Gives the signs,
makes up the roster, and
keeps track of the pitch
count. Batting clean-up.
Also an AMS rep.
Director of Finance: An
effective shortstop that
runs a tight infield. Gets
everyone's budget under
control (yeah, like we
have salaries).
Sports Director: Our player-
manager at second base.
Organizes the sports
teams. Also responsible
for getting "The Wave"
going at home games.
Public Relations Officer:
Our new right fielder.
Deals with the AMS,
team charities, employment reps, and sponsorship reps, and gets to
make those cool commercials with the United
Social Coordinator:
Occasionally in left field.
Usually clear over the
left field fence. Books
the road stadiums and
runs the shows & parties.
"You idiot! The note said I wanted a mole of anions!!"
Ill II
68030     95820s The four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb "93
"Of Councils and Couches:
An Inside Look at Life on the
Student Campaign Trail."
I Ryan
. Well, it's the night before
press-time, and I'm sitting in
my quad hammering away...
Allow me to qualify that.
I'm sitting in my $460 res
chair, typing away on the 'puter
resting on my $350 desk. My
quadmates are sitting in our
living room, on two $966
"couches", eating dinner on our
$520 dining table and watching.
Star Trek: Deep Throat Nine on
a TV that is worth less than the
endtable on which it rests.
You see, today Housing
sent us all our inventory lists,
complete with replacement
So, if Housing is any judge
of the market value of the
furniture that may be in your
quad or room, let me tell you,
you're literally sitting on a gold
For instance, the paper-thin
"quilted" bedspread that is
supplied with a room in res is
worth $132 if you were to have
to replace it. I guess you have
to have one of these bedspreads
to appreciate the toll inflation
must have taken since, say, last
Tuesday, when I leafed through
an IKEA catalogue.
As for the couches —
sorry, settees — for a thousand
dollars I think I'd prefer a
colour other than regurgitation
Well, on to topics that
contain even less in the way of
general interest! Namely, AMS
As you may not have
noticed, I was a candidate in
that between-the-shoulder-
blades stiletto-planting-fest that
occurred but last week. It helps
not having any political
aspirations whatsoever; I don't
think I would have enjoyed
myself anywhere near as much
if I had actually wanted to be
Director of Administration,
unlike my faithful-tea*e-
assistant editor Rog.
Here's an excerpt from the
preface of my soon-to-be-
published book Of Councils
and Couches: The Inside Story
of Life on the Student
Campaign Trail, co-written
with Richard Cleroux.
12:45PM. January 19,1993.
The Cheeze Factory, UBC.
In the small and crowded room,
a hush came over the
engineering'students present.
Outside the building, they could
hear someone humming "The
Battle Hymn of the Republic".
It grew louder. All eyes were
fastened on the front door.
The door was flung open and in
marched Erik "The Fish"
Jensen, Rob "Woodchuck"
McGowdn, and Ryan "D-Day"
McCuaig, all members of
UBC s popular Radical Beer
Faction. Jensen andMcGowan
slammed the keg they were
carrying down on the table
amidst cheers from the
engineers, and McCuaig, the
honourary if somewhat rusty
keg-tapper started the liquid
flowing as Jensen hopped up
onto the table.
The hush fell again, like a
blanket, as everyone braced
themselves for one of Jensen's
electrifying campaign speeches.
Except for those of Greg
Wickens, whoconcerned
himself with the keg, all eyes
were on "TheFish".
It began much as the other
speeches he had made over the
last few years, with the
ceremonial chugging of a pint.
But as Jensen loosened up, his
impassioned but facile rhetoric
inspired the crowd to new
heights— by no means a small
task, considering what
independent contender Janice
"Peaches" Boyle was wearing
that day.
(Needless to say, the Students
First clowns didn't do their
homework, and consequently
showed up at the Cheeze with a
measly two cases of warm beer.
They may as well have
presented EUS President Scott
Groves with a sponge cake with
a dead eel baked inside. Suffice
it to say that they escaped a
mass tanking by the skin of
their teeth.)
But all was forgotten in light of
the general mood of goodwill
and friendship that ensued after
the first eight rounds, and all
hailed the exalted members of
the Radical Beer Faction, as
they proved beyond a shadow
of a doubt that they were
indeed the party of the people,
not to mention the people of the
party. It was, for Jensen and his
compatriots, the end of one era,
and the beginning of another...
I highly recommend this book
($50 in all its Mylar-wrapped
glory... there are 8 pages of
photos from the upcoming
Paramount motion picture
starring Brent Spiner, Anne
Archer, and Glenn Close as
"Carole Forsythe") to all of
those who take an interest in
either studying party politics at
the student level, leamiijg to
blackmail public officials with
efficiency and ease, or getting
all the sordid, sensationalized
dirt on Jason Saunderson (to be
portrayed by Bobcat
Goldthwait) as they can get
their grubby little mitts on.
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A Photo from the Book: Doobius Caesar at the All-
Candidates Forum. "Et tu, Bruce?"
Completely redesigned!
Melton and Leather Jacket
Navy Blue Melton Body
Navy Blue & White Leather Split Sleeves
$150 plus cresting, t«axes not included
(jacket not exactly as shown)
Final deadline for orders.this year: February 17,1993
Order now at the UBC Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemistry building, room 160. Vol 6 No 9 *  7 Feb '93    The Four Thirty-Two
Bubbling over
with glee...
Well, happy February everybody! And how will I be
spending this festive month?
Well, since you asked (oh,
who am I kidding? — since I
asked) I'm throwing myself
into it with a midterm today
and formal labs due on
Wednesday and Thursday. The
rest of the month is uphill from
there. I think the highlight of
my month will be getting stuff
ready for the wedding. I know
what you're saying: "Leona,
aren't you missing something
somewhat essential from this
equation? I mean, I can't put
my finger on it right now, but
... hold on a second, I think it's
coming to me. Yeah, I know
what you're missing: a potential husband." What do you
take me for, some kind of
putz? Marriage doesn't even
approach my plans within the
next decade or so. My best
friend from high school, however, is ready to tie that old
bungee cord around her ankles
and take the plunge into connubial bliss. It's not like it was
a big surprise or anything.
Most of our mutual friends
were laying bets as to how
long it would take. Now that I
actually get to take part in the
thing, I have been seeing an
increasingly clear picture of
why I don't want to go through
it for myself for quite a while
yet. I mean, outside of the fact
that there isn't anyone I am
interested in marrying (who
makes under seven digits), and
that even if there were, my
parents would lock me up and
throw away the key. Seriously.
They're looking for a new
house, but they haven't found
one they like because none of
them have a second bedroom
which locks from the outside.
Anyway, back to my original
thought There's too much
work to be put into getting
married, and I honestly
couldn't be bothered unless
there was a salary involved. Or
love, I guess. Or friendship,
which is why I've been roped
into this in the first place. I
have to care about someone a
great deal to go shopping for
clothes for him/her, especially
for formal dresses. There's just
too much pink, frilly, flowery
stuff out there, as I discovered,
much to my lack of delight.
The bride-to-be and I had a
nice little negotiation period
about it. We finally agreed that
I wouldn't have to wear anything with flowers on it if I
promised not to wear my high-
tops. Of course, I was; bluffing.
My high-tops are reserved for
ball hockey. I would actually
have worn my open-toed runners. Don't laugh: they actually go with the dress. Hey,
maybe if I get that mud
cleaned off...
I think the best part of all
will be organizing the shower
(otherwise known as a party
for old women who don't get
out enough). Outside of the
fact that I'm just bubbling over
with glee as I look forward to
spending an evening of pre
tending to enjoy the company
of people I had never hoped to
meet, mere's the additional
pleasure of figuring out who to
invite. It would almost be too
much fun to invite everyone
from high school who isn't
invited to the wedding. I can
picture the invitations now:
You are cordially
invited to attend the
bridal shower of Terry
(Teresa) Cummings and
Terry (Terence) Jones.
The actual wedding
shall come to pass at a
date to be named later,
and you aren't invited!
In lieu of your presence
which will undoubtedly
accompany the presents,
please stay home and
just wire us the money
Okay, I never said it would
be a popular invitation, but I
think the world is more than
ready for a little truth in advertising. A little off-the-wall perhaps, but not so much as the:
Rain Man. I met the Rain Man
last week as I was walking
around the Chem building cm
one of those irritating I-can t-
decide-if-this-is-rain-Qr-mis t-
hey-wait-it-isn't raining-at-iill-
oh-here-it-comes^again sort of
days. At this point in the day,
it actually wasn't raining at all,
but the Rain Man walked boldly on, clutching his open
umbrella for all he was worth.
As I walked past him, the
black leather-clad man turniixl
to me and asked me, "Is it ruining where you are?"
Now, with an opening like
that, I was waiting for the
Candid Camera people to drop
from the top of the Hebb building. I was tempted to respond,
"Well, that depends upon
whether you speak of my
physical or emotional being.
Physically, I'm stuck in
Vancouver waiting for the rain
to start, but my inner being is
frolicking on a Caribbean
island, as a gentle mist tickles
my face." That is, I was tempted until I realized that he might
actually take me seriously. .Ah,
the world's a great big weird
mess, and I'm proud to be a
Time for Real Science...
February Seminars & Colloquia
Microbiology Seminar Series
and the Control
Wednesdays 12:30 - 1:30 PM,
of Breathing
Feb 11
EXCEPT Feb 3 (4 PM, IRC 5).
Feb 3
Roger Lippe,
Botany Seminar Series
12:30 pm, in Biol
"The Comet
Impact that
the cellular
Killed the
Feb 2
Dr. Beverly
Green, Botany
rAcrwncpTM "
Feb 25
Naryan, Harvard
Feb 10
Dr Frank
"Evolution of
"The Physics of
Binding Proteins
Rewriting the
Richmond, CA.
"Regulators and
effectors of Ras
p^1 proteins."
Biochemistry and Molecular
Feb 9
Mr. L.A. Jozsa,
Wood Resource
Feb 1-7
Dr Wei-Guo
Forintek Canada
Jia, Dept of
"What can
Brian Cullen,
Regulation of
gy do for you?"
uses of Herpes
HfV-1 Gene
Simplex-1 virus
in treatment of
Feb 8
Tom Alber,
Oceanography Seminar Series
brain tumours."
Leucine Zippers
3:30 in Biol 1465
Feb 24
Dr Ruedi
and other Coiled-
Feb 2
Susan Strom,
Feb 15
P. Siddarth,
Shannon Point
Research Centre,
Feb il
Greg Farber,
"The role of
The Structure
Mechanism and
zooplankton in
approaches to
Evolution of
the planktonic
identification and
Sugar Isomerases
food web of the
Physiology Seminar Series
Weds, IRC #4, at 3 pm.
Feb 9
Physics Colloquia Series
Thursdays 4:00 PM, HENN
Feb 3
Dr. William
Milsom, UBC
"The large-scale
Dept. of
transport and
Feb 4
Martin Zinke-
ans Hibernation:
Metabolic Rate
depostion of
University of
Western Ontario.
pollutants in the
North Atlantic
"The Frontier of
-Melton and Leather Jacket
-Black Melton Body
-Black Leather Raglan Sleeves
-Embroidered 2" red letters "COMPUTER SCIENCE UBC" on back (optional)
-Embroidered red CS3 logo on left chest with "COMPUTER SCIENCE" on top (optional)
Final deadline for orders this year: February 17,1993
$150 plus crestin;
S.     This is the design for the embroidered left chesl logo
Embroidered red left chest logo add $10
Embroidered red "COMPUTER SCIENCE UBC on back add $18
Chenille Name Bars $5 each
Place your order at the Science Undergraduate Society office in
the Chemistry building, room B160. Feel free to send e-mail
to Michael Chow (n7al92@rick.cs.ubc.ca) if you have any questions.
Ryan McCuaig
Editor, II Grando Fromaggio
Roger Watts
Assistant Editor, I] Polio Pericoloso
Contributing Writers Janice Boyle, Michael Chow,
Aaron Drake, Markus Hoenig, Jason Holmes, Zain
Khandwala, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Jamie
Morris, Sarah Thornton, and with me as always is
Rog. Party on, Rog.
ART    and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts
Contributing Artists Ryan McCuaig, Melanie
Stapleton, Roger Watts
Printer College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, ltd.
11 lanuary 1*43, Vol 6, No 7
The 431 is published biweekly by the Scenes Undergraduate Society of
U8C, somewhere close lo Main Mall and Unrversity Blvd. We generally
make cute hats out of our mail, especialry the politically correct stuff, so
don't bother sendmg any. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 9 *  1 Feb '93
Later than a speeding bullet...
Comics in my day were
much better than today's
comics. Back then, almost all
of the Comic-Book Heroes
were very improbable, and
almost completely devoid of
any social value. That was
Not only are the new
Comic-Book heroes in tune
with the environment, sexual
discrimination, and the depleting ozone layer, they have
become quite nauseating in
every other respect.
They have become Almost
Plausible Heroes.
There is a great difference
between Almost Plausible, and
Completely Implausible. The
latter is fun. You just have to
accept the ridiculous premise
that Superman can fly, can
bounce bullets off his chest,
never ages, can bend steel, can
move small planets, and can
see through buildings just the
desired distance to where the
crooks are stealing the jewels,
is for all intents and purposes
invincible, except when someone puts a green rock down his
With Almost Plausible
Heroes, the writers want you to
accept the hero as a normal
Joe, with a few minor differences. They make a hero that
is possible in this world. But
they give him a superpower
that is naggingly inconsistent.
Take, for example, The
Question, which is a delightful
comic series about a man who
fights crime.
His secret weapon is that he
doesn't have a face.
How that gives him the ability to be a Super Hero, I'll
never understand, but the writ
ers want us to believe that,
other than the absence of features, he is a normal guy. But
he never dies! In all his adventures six or seven villains are
trying to kill him at once, yet
he always manages to get out
alive, even though he has no
special powers* A superhero
with magic powers that never
dies is okay, but someone that
never dies for no reason other
than it would be a short comic
series if he did... well, that's
Almost Plausible, but completely unacceptable.
The Worst Comic Book
Genius Award: If Dilton
Doiley is so smart, why is he
still in high school?
The Worst Mathematics of
a Series: There are only eight
characters in the BC comic
strip, and so I assume there are
only eight members of their
tribe. Yet they always play
baseball. Where is this ninth
person coming from? Why is
this person kept secret from
Worst Comic-to-Screen
Adaptation: While many will
argue that it is the Batman
series, I must contend that the
winner, by a hair, is the cartoon series of Spiderman.
Apparently, the Saturday-
morning cartoon was planned,
created and drawn on Baffin
Island by Inuits who desired as
little contact as possible with
the outside world. Exhibit A is
the curious way that Spider-
Man gets around. He doesn't
drive, or take a taxi. Instead,
he swings through the air, like
Tarzan, only Spidey makes his
own vines by squirting his web
out of his his web-making
wrist gadget. This web also has
the uncanny talent of attaching
itself to anything in the vicinity, and, if there is nothing in
the vicinity, to attach itself to
air molecules. I have seen
Spidey scooting from web-
vine to web-vine in the middle
of the desert, where the highest object was a scorpion
mounting its mate; How this is
done, I don't know (the web,
not the scorpions).
Most Ridiculous Gimmick:
Wonder Woman's Invisible
Stealth Plane. How does she
find it at the airport? How do
other planes know not to park
in her parking space? Most
importantly, while her plane is
invisible, she isn't. An invisible plane is self-defeating if
the bad guys can see her zooming around at 40 000 feet.
While we're on the subject,
how does she read her instruments if they're invisible?
Biggest Hole In The Plot:
Why every single villain
doesn't simply wear
Kryptonite around his neck; I
don't know. It seems the obvious thing to do.
Most Useless Superhero:
Without a doubt, it must be
Aquaman, who has the uncanny ability to control fish. I'm
sorry but I am not intimidated
by someone who threatens to
summon a trout.
The Ail-Time "Huh?"
Award: goes to the guy in the
Fantastic Four that can stretch
his body. My reaction to this,
as you may guess is: "Huh?"
My second reaction is "so
what?" This guy would have
taken the Most Useless
Superhero award if it wasn't
for the fact that Aquaman's
Halibut-Liasing abilities were
limited to seawater. At least
Mr Fantastic from the
Fantastic Four can stretch his
neck out of water. It still
leaves me wondering how
elongating a part of his body
makes him such a fantastic
A lot of you out there probably have a very good comeback to that last one. You can
probably explain it to me. But
I don't want to hear it. I don't
care about it. You are all nerds.
2ml Animal KIT
IMzz:i & Pop Mixer
12:00 to 2:00 in IRC Mall
Friday, Feb 12th
Pizza        Pop
Members $0.50        $0.25
Non Members    $ 1.00        $0.50
One free pop for all members.
is now accepting Proposals for the
Proposals must:
1) Be as specific as possible
2) Include the following information:
name of group requesting funds
number of people working on project
name of a contact person (include telephone #)
who will benefit from the project
description of the project in detail
a summarizing paragraph including the most salient
the amount of money requested
sources of other funds if applicable.
There is a limit of one proposal per particular group of
graduating students.
There is a upper limit of $3,000 for each proposal. -
Past projects/gifts included anything from a student garden to
a talking book fund for Crane Library - be creative.
Each group must be prepared to give a short presentation of
their idea to the members of Grad Class at the end of
The deadline for proposals js 4:00 p.m. Wednesday, February
17th, 1993 and is final. No proposal will be accepted after
this date.
Proposals will be received at SUB Room 238.
Please contact Thrasso Petras, c/o SUB 238,
822-3971 If you have any questions.
Science Semaine A Smashing Success
Story at Six, says Sarah.
Sarah Thornton
Ex-SciWk Supervisorette,
Suddenly Secretary, and
Sweaty Sexy Sweetie
I promise — this is the last
Science Week article you will
have to avoid reading. BUT —
I'd just like to thank all of you
who came out and made the
week such a success! As I'm
sure Carmen will say, everyone
did a great job in organizing
and publicizing events. Beyond
the BSc. on Monday was presented to a packed auditorium,
and the information presented
was very useful (the coffee and
cookies went down well too!)
The movie and the play, while
not shown to a full house, were
also great. Tough luck to all of
you who missed them — I
know I loved the play, and
most enjoyed the movie. (I'm
sorry, but the gratuitous sex
and violence in The Terminator
is just too much for my tender,
sensitive nature. Those who
know me will guffaw at that
statement, but it's true — while
I may enjoy perpetrating violence, I really dislike watching
it.) Club displays were all really good, and it's taken hours of
soul searching to determine a
winner. It's a secret though.
The CompSci team won the
trike race again, and there were
many great door prize winners
at the events. (Inside joke time
— MH and MH — you know
who you are, and you know,
with THAT many door prize
tickets, you should have won
all the prizes — tough luck!)
And the Open House — many
of you managed to find SUS
last week to scarf down free
pizza, but I'm sure you'll probably lose your way again when
there ain't no pizza! Just a
reminder, we often have poster
painting parties, where, if you
splash some paint onto a piece
of paper, we give you free
pizza and bzzr!
Aknowledgements: Special
thanks needs to go to certain
peoples, without whom
Science Week would not have
happened —
Carmen McKnight: presi-
dente extraordinare, and definitely the most organized yet
spinny blonde I know.
Chris Woods: the Trike
Race, the club displays (chief
organizer), the play; ad museum... (just kidding — he's
Roger Watts: the ExVP, and
man-who was occasionally
around when I wanted or needed him.
Morie! Chen and Laurie Yee:
attention all potential executives — don't let these two get
away! A superior duo, they get
the job done right!
ie (iovernme
cuislated the value (it K to
\\ as ap|
leers who
didn t want little tuts o
construction material
ed the idea.
also had the
square. Personal I v. we
neheve it to he
amental difficulty Vol 6 No 9 *  lteb'93     The Four Thirty-Two
First-Year Fizz
Physsoc Hack
Being in first-year university
seems a lot like being in prison,
in that it feels like you're serving
a four-to-six year sentence,
doing hard labour (problem sets).
However, in prison the grub is
probably better than three-day-
old pizza in the fridge, and in
prison one gets to sleep.
On the subject of sleep, I
haven't had any in the past two
days; I've been too upset. You
see, I have been put through the
worst academic wringer any student could imagine: PHYS 110.1
just discovered that my
Christmas exam mark was a.
resounding 'F'. In disbelief, I
marched over to Hennings to
have & friendly chat with my
"I'm sorry, the name doesn't
ring... oh, you," he said, unen-
thused. "You answered that EMF
is a rock group on question five,
"It isn't?" I asked. "Anyhow, I
came by to look over my exam.
It appears that a terrible error has
been made in the grading."
"Right. Student number?"
He shuffled through the
mountain of papers on his desk,
pulled out the last one, and
glanced at it momentarily.
"Nope. Looks like the right mark
to me." He handed it oyer.
I glanced at the mistakes.
Q. If BC Hydro charges
$0.95/kWh, and you left your frying pan on for 2.0 months, how
much money would you waste?
A. 4.00 M$ for burning down
the apartment, and 2.50 M$ in
Hmm. Must've lost marks on
significant figures.
Q. A 60kg man climbs up a
5.0m ladder inclined against the
wall of a house at 65°. He completes his climb to your window
in 13s.
a) What work does he do?
A. He's probably a thief.
b) What is his power?
A. Being able to pick locks
and rob you blind.
Wonder what was wrong with
that one?
"Why is there another 10%
docked right here at Ihe end?" I
The prof popped a few
Tylenol and replied "Oh, flat's
the standard penalty for giving
lab instructors a bad time."
"It's now a tenth of a percent
off per volt of potential difference appliedto any member of
the faculty. Accident or no. Now,
I want you to have a long cliat
about your psycholo-- ah, physics
difficulties with my slav- all,
TAs down in HEBB, okay?"
"But—" Before I could ffinish,
he rudely shoved me out of his
office and closed the door.
Well, I'm only in fust year
and don't seem to know very
much by Department standards,
but the one thing I do know is
that there's no way I'm majoring
in Physics. I'll change my field
to Gastronomy.
Dik Miller, Library Enforcer
Derek K.
It was the usual, dreary
winter kind of day as I sat at
my desk in the Main Library.
This switch from Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer
to Library Moni— I mean
Library Enforcer had been difficult overall, but there were a
few nice things.
My old office had been in
the basement of the Civil and
Mechanical Engineering building, and had a lovely view of
absolutely nothing at all. My
new one had a nice, big window with a beautiful view of
the usual, dreary wintex day it
was outside.
There was a knock at my
I pulled my feet off the
top of my desk. "Come in."
The Head Librarian
walked in with someone I .
hadn't met before in tow.
"Hi there, Miller. Good to
see you're all settled in," the
Librarian said.
"Yeah," I replied. "I was
just thinking about how nice
this view is compared to the
one in my old office."
"Oh, I see," she said.
Somewhat nervously, I
"What do you mean by
HUtMC foe :
S!U>YIM6.<' APR*KtoL)-CH0i 140
"Uh, Dik Miller, I'd like
you to meet Sven
Sv0rdbergsson, one of my new
assistant librarians."
"Hi," he said, extending
his hand.
I shook it. "Is that
Sv0rdbergsson with one of
those slashy O things in it?"
"Yes, it is," he answered.
"I've always liked those
slashy O's. Much better than
O's with umlauts on them, you
know, like SvOrdbergsson."
"Certainly," he said.
"Anyway, Miller," the
Head Librarian interrupted,
"Sven will be taking over this
I stared blankly.
"I said, Sven will be taking over this office."
Sven looked sheepish.
I cleared my throat. "As of
"This afternoon." Sven
grinned uncomfortably.
A few hours later, I had
finished packing all of my
office belongings, including
my baby blue LIBRARY
MONITOR apron, into cardboard boxes and had moved
them down to my new office,
buried in the deepest, hottest,
stuffiest, most cramped, dustiest, grittiest, most poorly lit
bowels of the Library.
I returned to my — I mean
Sven's — office to grab my
last few things. I found him
"So, Sven," I said, "how
do you like your office?"
"It's not quite as nice as
my old one in Reykjavik," he
proclaimed. "There, I had a
view of the smoking volcanic
vents of my homeland. Here,"
he glanced out the window, "I
can see only the rain. But it
will do."
"Good, good," I lied. I
picked up my fedora and my
Dik Miller™ barcode
reader/peach pitter/fountain
pen nib sharpener, which had
been sitting on the desk. I
turned to leave.
"Oh, and one more thing,"
I said.
"I lied about the O's. I
prefer umlauts to slashy. ones."
Sven cocked an eyebrow.
"How unfortunate."
I closed the door. Bloody
Icelanders, coming in and taking jobs from us good
Canadians. Just like that
Icelandic former traffic cop
who had taken my position as
Campus Cowboy.
And the Icelandic pipefitter who had replaced me at
Physical Plant, the Icelandic
chef who had taken my position in Food Services, and the
new Icelandic Arts Faculty
Come to think of it, all of
my former jobs had been taken
by people from Iceland.
Except for Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer,
of course. Jean-Claude van
Damme was from Belgium.
But he had probably been to
There are only 300,000
people in Iceland. How so
many of them had come to
take my place in jobs I had
been fired from, I didn't know.
I chose not to think about
it for awhile, and decided to go
outside for a walk.
I was just moving outside
when a frizzy-haired woman
pointed at me from amongst a
huge mob of Engineers.
"There! There! That's
him!" she yelled. I recognized
her as one of those pesky "
reporters for The Campus
"Wha—?" I had time to
About a minute later, I
had been stripped to my Dik
Miller™ skivvies and hoisted
into the air by a huge mob of
"What are the charges?"
one of them yelled.
"Deserting the noble
Engineering faculty!"
"Defecting to the
"Having too many Dik
Miller™ gadgets!"
With that, they tossed me
into the pool in front of the
Library. This was especially
inconvenient because it didn't
have any water in it.
As I gathered up my
clothes, I discovered that the
Engineers had been most
incensed when I had been  •
transferred to the Library
because Jean-Claude van
Damme, the new Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer,
was one tough dude, and
didn't let them get away with
This, I would guess, qualified, as "one of those days."
So it was another one of
those days for Dik Miller,
Library Enforcer. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 9 *  1 Feb'93
Sheep Lose Mammal Status
A week or so ago, your
new SUS Secretary told me
about an article she had
clipped from a North Shore
paper for The 432 headlined
"Local Sheep Activists
Protest Lack of Mammal
Status For Sheep". She found
it funny that people actually
concerned themselves over
this. I, on the other hand, right
away sympathised with the
Local Sheep Activists. "Sheep
aren't mammals? Why aren't
sheep mammals? Sheep must
be mammals."
I was wrong. Sheep had
lost their position as mammals, and were now classified
as "miscellaneous land animals".
I had no idea mammalhood
could be revoked. I have been
amammalmyself now for
twenty-four years and have
never had any intention of
bearing live young or lactat-
ing or anything of the sort,
always confident that the
authorities would ignore this.
Now it seems I may have
been far too blase. What
could sheep have done that
was so awful to cause their
membership in Order
Mammalia to be suspended?
Having to regard sheep as
mere "miscellaneous land animals" would force me to
readjust my entire world view,
and at a time when I'm still
recovering from the forced
assimilation of quantum
mechanics a few years ago.
If, at a tender age, I was
watching an episode of "One
of These Things Is Not Like
The Others" on Sesame
Street, starring a sheep, a
goat, a cow, and a humpbacked whale, the humpbacked whale would have
been my choice, no questions
asked. Similarly, if the fourth
contestant had been a fruit
bat, Siberian tiger or duckbilled platypus, it would have
had my vote. If Bob or Maria
had agreed with me, apparently, it would only be because
Bob and Maria aren't biologists. My friend Ed thinks he
has the answer. "Wool" he
says. "Cows, whales, platypi
— they all have hair. Sheep
have wool." Wool, Ed asserts,
despite my protestations, is
fundamentally different from
This may have something
to do with the fact that Ed is
from Abbotsford, but I don't
see why it would.
I remain unconvinced. I
can't see how biologists
thought they could get away
with declassifying sheep in
the first place. If physicists all
of a sudden announced that
pi-mesons were not, in fact,
bosons, most of us would not
be inclined to argue. (I might
be inclined to argue, but, as
you may have noticed, I'm
pretty much inclined to argue
anyway). Biologists have to
be a little more careful. Sheep
are something most of us are
reasonably familiar with, so
we'd notice if biologists tried
to pull any funny business
with them, and then we might
catch on to other of their more
obvious blunders.
Take the distribution of
Phyla, for instance.
Mammals, fish, birds, reptiles, amphibians and what-
dwelling semi-vertebrate-
where-else-to-put all have to
squash into Phylum
Vertebrata, along with, presumably, sheep, while worms
get three whole phyla of their
own. Fair? Hardly. And
Kingdoms. Why do algae get
two kingdoms of their own,
when plants and animals have
to contend with one apiece?
Obviously, to biologists the
differences between brown
pond-scum and blue-green
pond scum are as profound
and significant as the difference between Dan Quayle and
say, a cucumber. Okay, bad
example, but you get my.
I want to make it perfectly
clear that I am not in any way
trying to defend sheep. I spent
a good deal of time walking
and hitching, and thus, walking through rural Ireland,
Scotland, and Norway this
year, and you can not do this
and retain a high opinion of
the intellectual capabilities of
sheep. Sheep are stupid.
When I first heard about this
mammal thing, I thought
maybe sheep had been
exposed as some sort of
white, fluffy, self-propelled
cannibalistic plant. Maybe
they were caught photosyn-
thesizing. If you observe
sheep carefully they appear to
be plugged into the ground
(ed. or occasionally other
sheep. Note that's ed., not
Ed.) like gas nozzles. Not that
gas nozzles are plugged into
the ground, of course. Sheep
are so stupid that maybe biologists should leave them to be
classified by geologists.
Sheep habitually spend as
much time a day eating as an
abnormally lazy cat would
devote to sleeping. If sheep
had only one opening, they
would explode; unfortunately,
Sorrj, but I Vn   /
afraid -VrxtA euc
Coa4 be a.
they have two, the upshot
being that they manage to fertilize the entire countryside. If
sheep could photosynthesize,
they would save everyone a
lot of time and bother. In
sheep territory, you will find
sheep droppings everywhere
you look, and more importantly, everywhere you sit.
I've found sheep droppings
on the top of a seven meter
crags of barren rock on which
only a sheep could imagine
grass could grow.
My ill feelings towards
sheep were forever set after
an encounter with that animal
even more dangerous than
sheep: an obnoxious sheep. I
was in the middle of a two-
day solo hike through the
mountains of Norway, reflecting that only a total ass would
make a two-day solo hike
through the mountains of
Norway. Trudging along, I
was faced with the realization
that if I did not find civiliza-.
tion within a few days I
would be forced to consume
the jar of salted pickled herring I had rashly picked up in
Bergen. Suddenly, an exited
bleating invaded my thoughts
and I realized my presence
was frightening a bunch of
sheep. A self-important ram
started warning all the other
sheep in the neighbourhood,
who began eyeing me nervously. Always solicitous,
even towards sheep, I gave
them a wide berth. After I had
passed* this macho ram started cursing and threatening
me, obviously under the
impression that he was a
Pomerian. After cowering
when I came near, he was
now challenging me to come
back and fight like a man. I
hurled a few moody rocks in
his direction and carried on,
while the ram continued
yelling after me how he'd
beat me up again if he ever
caught me. I'm the only person I know who takes lip
from sheep.
Before leaving the country
I did find one nice thing to
say about sheep: they are very
efficient machines for converting grass-into sweaters.
Baby Talk: The Frosh Report
Jason Holmes
First-Year Rep
Most of you first years out
there probably don't know
who I am or why I'm writing
this article. I'm one of the two
first-year reps that you voted
for earlier this year, and I'm   •
writing about the brand,
spankin' new First Year
Students Committee for the
Science Undergraduate
Society. Since I am one of
your first-year reps (Terence
"Fireball" Fan being the
other), I have to sit on this
committee, as do six other
first-year students who are registered in the Faculty of
The purpose of this committee is to develop events specifically geared towards first-year
students, most of whom are
underage. As you have proba
bly noticed, most of the events
put on by the Science
Undergraduate Society involve
alcohol in some way, therefore
minors aren't allowed to go to
SUS dances until their second
year (unless, of course, you're
like me and have to wait until
the very end of third year!).
SUS wants to provide activities for all age groups in the
Faculty of Science and this
committee is our solution.
We want to make your frosh
year as enjoyable as possible,
so come on out with all of your
(non-alcoholic) ideas. Meeting
times still have to be set, but
so far, we have an operating
budget and a large list of duties
and responsibilities.
So, if you're a first-year
keener who wants to get
involved in SUS, come down
to our office (Chem. 160) and
fill out an application form.
don't panic;
will do it for youl
• on campus
• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
. Room 60, Student Union Building •822-5640
Mon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm Vol6No9 * I Feb'93    The Four Thirty-Two
the     drawers     of     siis
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
I would like to thank all the
people who helped at the
Sales booth during Science
Week. It was a pleasure to
participate in such a highly
successful event. For those of
you who may have missed us,
we sell UBC Science merchandise throughout the year
in our office at CHEM 160.
What's the latest new Science
item, you ask? Science baseball shirts, jammer shorts, and
'slamma-jam' shorts! Keep
an eye out for even more new
Science wear. The position of
Sales Manager is still open for
the next academic year. Now
is the perfect time to learn the
position from our current
Sales Manager, Michael
Chow, who has had the privilege of working with two previous Sales Managers, Dean
Leung and Tim Lam, as well
as receiving assistance from
ex-Sales Manager David Way.
Please feel free to drop by our
office to inquire about this
•BRANDNEW: Science*
baseball shirts with an
embroidered left-chest
design and screenprinted
back design! Available in ,
three styles. We have an
ash-grey 50/50
Poly/Cotton 12-oz fleece
for $24.00. There's also
an antique-oatmeal/royal
100%-cotton 8-oz jersey
for $26.50, We also have
an antique-oatmeal/black
pin-stripe 100%-cotton 8-
oz jersey for $27.00.
•BRAND NEW: Grey jam
shorts with drawstring for
only $17.00. 50/50
Poly/Cotton 14-oz fleece
• BRAND NEW: 'Slarnma- '
Jam' shorts, ash with
black trim for only
$14.00. Preshrunk 100%
cotton, pockets and 4-
needle elastic waistband.
• BELOW COST: 100%-cot
ton embroidered sweaters
only $15! Available in
navy, royal or white. We
have crew-necks and V-
necks. Hurry, they're
selling fast!
• Have you seen the coolest
looking jackets on campus? Science jackets:
Navy blue melton, with
navy and white leather
split-sleeves, all for only
$150 (plus cresting). Last
chance to order one this
school year, deadline:
February 17,1993.
• Last chance to order a navy
Science cardigan for this
school year. Only $35
(plus cresting), deadline:
February 17,1993.
• Computer Science leather-
melton jackets! You
don't even need to be
majoring in Computer
Science, but if you want a
black leather-melton jacket for only $150 (plus
cresting), place your
order before February 17,
1993. You can also contact Michael Chow, ihe
Sales Manager, using e-
<n7a 192@rick.cs.ubc.ca>
• Is your team or club looking
for clothing or uniforms?
We deal directly with the
manufacturers and wholesalers to get you the best'
prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit
of die Loom standard-
weight T-shirts, with a
full-front 2-colour logo,
and 2-digit 8-inch numbers, all for only $13.50
each (all taxes included!)
• We sell the new
Entertainment '93
Coupon Books. The
books are packed with
half-price coupons for
restaurants, theatres,
sports, attractions, and
much more. The
Entertainment book also
offers 50% off on many
hotels throughout the
world. A great way to
sample Vancouver's
attractions on a student's
budget. All this for only
$42.80 (taxes included).
• We also sell the new Gold C
Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the
coupons to save on merchandise, recreation,
movie rentals, and fast
• Our Annual Paper Sale is
still on! We sell 200
sheets of looseleaf for
only $0.75. That's half
the price you'll pay at the
Bookstore, plus all proceeds will be donated to
• Congratulations to last
week's winners of the
Sales contest: Parimal
Rana, 1st place; David
Chow, 2nd place; Randy
Romero, 3rd place. For
those of you who were
unable to answer the
question, UBC's Dean of
Science is Dean Barry
Feel free to drop by and check
out our UBC Science clothing
display. We are in the
Chemistry building, room
Circvs Scientificvs
Zain Khandwala
First and foremost, allow
me to gloat briefly: last night
the complete Intramural sports
points tally for the first term
was made available, and I'm
proud to say that SUS finished
in first place overall (in typical fashion), this time with the
largest leading margin ever in
Intramural Sports history!
Specifically, on the men's side
of things SUS accumulated
6423 points to the 4573 of the
EUS, and the SUS women
earned 3737 points to Gage
Tower's 3305. This exceptional performance seems to be
largely due to the strong performance of all-Science
league teams. Early indications are that we should be
able to expect bigger and better things during the course of
this second term.
Consequently, it's finally
time to begin recognizing
some of the individuals and
teams who helped SUS
achieve this exceptional feat.
As always, individuals who
represent SUS in Intramural '
Sports competition receive
individual sports points for
their efforts. At the end of the
year, these points are tallied,
and certain individuals are
recognized at the year-end
SUS Sports dinner banquet, to
be held sometime at the end of
March — exact date and location TBA.
In order to register yourself
for this competetion, you must
complete a Sports Points Tally
Form, which will be made
available at the SUS office or
through your respective
departmental sports rep sometime at the end of the next
week; On this form you must
indicate the specific events in
which you competed, and how
well you placed within each
event. If you do not remember
your final placement for a certain event, results for all
events are available at the
Intramural Sports information
These forms must be completed and turned in to the
SUS office by March 15 so
that they can be verified and
tabulated, and so that awards
can be made up for the banque
Carmen McKnight
Science Week 93 was a
great success this year. Thank
you to everyone who helped
out. I hope everyone had an
excellent time. If you have
ideas about how you'd like to
see Science Week done in the
future then drop us a note so
we can include your suggestions in the recommendations.
We had one of the best
Science Week dances ever.
About 300 people came out
and the police even wanted to
get in on it. Even though
Science Week is over, we still
have lots of work going on.
Executive Elections are rapidly approaching; in fact, we are
accepting nominations starting
today. If you are interested in
running for an Executive position, please talk to the
Executive whom you'd like to
succeed. Note the constitutional changes to the duties
some of them. We decided
that it was about time that the
work was distributed more
evenly among the positions.
Nominations are open until
February 8th when campaigning begins. Voting will take
place on February 22,23, and
Also coming up are
Teaching Excellence Awards.
Start thinking about who you
want to nominate. Awards will
be presented at the AGM on
March 4, so we have to get
started early on this.
At the council meeting of
January 28 we covered a lot of
business, including appointing
a new Secretary (Sarah
Thornton), amending the constitution and accepting the
guidelines for campaigning.
Since we lost some exec to the
AMS, we are accepting immediate nominations for the positions of External Vice
President and AMS
Representative. The jobs will
start on February 17, and last,
until April. If you are interested in running for an Executive
position for next year, I
strongly recommend that you
Every year, the Graduating
Class chooses several gifts to
give to the University in gratitude. Gifts that benefit future
students are chosen. Grad
class council is now accepting
proposals for the 1993 Grad
Class Gifts. If you have any
ideas on gifts, see the ad in
this issue. The deadline is
February 17.
We are still accepting nominations for the First Year
Student Committee. The purpose of this committee will be
to increase the SUS services
for first year students. At this
time, we just want to get it
running smoothly so that by
next September it will be
ready to go. If people are
motivated enough, we may
even hold an event this year. If
you're in first year science
and wondering how you can
get involved, this is the way.
We need ideas of the kind of
activities that first years
would enjoy, and we need
people with the administrative
skills to organize promotion
and a time line.
AMS Briefs
lanice Boyle
I have good news for all of
the Science students who prefer the Campus Times over the
Ubyssey. AMS Council has
removed its head from the
sand and has decided to allow
the Campus Times to distribute
in the SUB. It only took another hour and a half to decide
this issue, and that's on top of
the three hours it took us last
time. We seem to be wasting a
good portion of our lime discussing the merits of a relatively decent newspaper.
The tuition campaign was an
amazing success, and the final
result of our efforts is that the
increase has been capped at
10% or less. The UBC Board
of Governors approved an
11.9% increase, but the government has stated that the
increase cannot rise above
10%. How they are going to
work out this fiscal policy with
the University is anyone's
guess. I want to publicly thank
Martin Ertl and Michael
Hughes for all of the effort
they put into organizing the
campaign, from start to finish.
I also want to thank the 2000
students who came out to join
us. For me, it was a lot of fun
standing on top of one of the
tables in the Faculty Club,
directing students into the
room where Strangway and the
rest of the Board were enjoying their lunch.
Coming soon to a bzzr garden near you is Jason
Saunderson, mobilizing another anti-Ubyssey petition.
Whatever you do, make sure
you read it before you sign it,
because the big print giveth, -
and the small print taketh
AMS executive elections are
over, and a new executive will
be taking office at the AMS
Annual General Meeting.
Finally my life can get back to
normal... 8
The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 9 »  ? Feb 193
Revised Proposed Constitutional Amendments
Areas to be changed are in italic type.
That the SUS Constitution be amended as follows:
Article I — Executive Officers.
1) The Executive officers who must be active members of the Society and fully
intend to be members of the Society throughout their term of office shall consist
i) President;
ii) Internal Vice President;
iii) External Vice President;
iv) Director of Publications;
v) Executive Secretary;
vi) Director of Finance;
vii) AMS Student Council Representative;
viii) Sports Director.
vii) AMS Student Council Representative.
Replace with:
vii) Public Relations Officer (PRO).
ix) Social Coordinator.
Article II—Executive Duties.
2) Further duties of specific officers shall be:
c) External Vice President
i) To represent the Society to the AMS Students Council;
ii) To have booking privileges with the AMS;
. iii) To organize, co-ordinate, and promote all social functions of the Society;
l)To chair the Social Committee;
2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of tickets for the
Society's functions;
3) To coordinate the timing and posting of all poster and banner
material for all social events;
4) To arrange any press releases by media;
iv) To be a member of the Science Week Committee.
v) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies;
vi) To recommend people to Council for the following ex-officio positions and
work with the officers appointed on their respective projects:
1) Science Week Coordinator;
2) Blood Drive Coordinator.
Replace with:
ii) To know thoroughly, the AMS's constitution, codes and bylaws and have
current copies of these available on file in the Science office;
iii) To keep Council informed of the activities of the AMS Student Council;
iv) To keep Council informed of the activities of other AMS constituencies and
v) To attend AMS Council Meetings;
vi) To keep Council informed of any AMS rights or privileges to which we are
vii) To keep Council informed of any AMS procedures of which we should be
viii) To be a liaisonbetween the Council and the AMS;
ix) To be a liaison between die Council and other Constituencies.
x) To represent the views of Science Council to the AMS;
xi) To keep the Science Newspaper Council informed cfthe activities of the
AMS Student Council. '
xii) To coordinate Science Week.
f) Director of Publications
i) To publish, or cause to be published, the following:
1) Summer mailout;
2) The 432;
3) The Black and Blue Review
ii) To assist in the production of all posters and banners;
iii) To ensure publication of the information collected for the Black and Blue
iv) To ensure publication of items for the Society requested by the Executive;
v) To ensure pubhcationof items for the Society requested by Council;
vi) To be a member of the following Standing Committeees:
. 1) Budget Committee;
2) Science Week Committee;
vii) To be the head editor of the Science Newspaper Council (refer to
Article XII);
viii) To represent the Society to the AMS Students Council (in the event
that there are four Science AMS seats),
ix) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies, (contingent on .
g) AMS Student Council Representative
i) To know and uphold the Science Undergraduate Society's
ii) To know thoroughly, the AMS's constitiution, codes and bylaws and
have current copies of these available on file in the Science office;
iii) To keep Council informed of the activities of the AMS Student
iv) To keep Council informed of the activities of other AMS
Constituencies and clubs;
v)To attend AMS Council Meetings;
vi) To keep Council informed of any AMS rights or privileges to which
we are entitled;
vii) To keep Council irformed of any AMS procedures of which we
should be aware;
viii) To be a liaison between the Council and the AMS;
ix) To represent the views of Science Council to the AMS;
x) To keep the Science Newspaper Council informed of the activities of
the AMS Student Council.
g) AMS Student Council Representative
Replace With:
g) Public Relations Officer
i) To inform Science Students of employment opportunities:
1) To be a liaison between the Society and the UBC Student
Placement Office, and/or any other student employment office(s);
2) To be a liaison between the Society and the Science Clubs
Employment Reps;
3) To work with the Alumni Association and the Faculty of Science
coordinating events like the Beyond the BSc. event.
ii) To coordinate or appoint a coordinator for all charity events
including: the Red Cross Blood Drive, the Food Drive and/or any other
charities the SUS may choose to participate in;
iii) To arrange any press releases by Media;
iv) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies;
v) To represent the Society to the AMS Student Council.
i) Social Coordinator
i) To have booking privileges with the AMS;
ii) To organize, coordinate, and promote all social functions of the
1) To chair the Social Committee;
2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of tickets for the Society's
3) To coordinate any advertising for any of the Society's social
iii) To be a member of the Science Week Committee.
iv) To coordinate all banner painting efforts of the Society.
Article VI - Standing Committees and Sub-Councils
1) Committees
a) The Social Committee, which shall consist of the External Vice
President, the Director of Finance, the Science Week Coordinator, and
any other interested active member of the Society. This committee shall:
i) propose a social program for approval to Council,
ii) co-ordinate and promote the social programs as approved by Council.
Change a) to read:
a) The Social Committee, which shall consist of the Social Coordinator
(who is the chair of this committee), External Vice President, the
Director of Finance, and any other interested active member of the   .
Society. This committee shall:
i) propose a social program for approval to Council.
ii) co-ordinate and promote the social programs as approved by Council.
For more information, or information on forming your own Yes or No
Committee/please come to the SUS Office (CHEM 160), or ph. 822-4235. Vol 6 No 9 *  1 Feb '93    The Four Thirty-Two
A Brief History of SUS
February 3,1961 — Science
and Arts are divorced. A legend is born.
March 8,1962 — After a
year of growing pains, the
SUS Black Hand embarks on
its first major project, claiming "If they can make a
decaffeinated coffee that
tastes good, why can't they
send a man to Mars?" The
project is undertaken by
Science students Robert
Goddard, Knostin
Tsiolkovsky and Werner Von
March, 16,1962 — The start
of a great tradition: the
Science double election. In
the the first-ever SUS
Election, irregularities force
a recall.
November 15,1962 —After
Science threatens to enter the
Chariot Race, both
Engineering and Agriculture
withdraw. Due to the extreme
boredom of racing alone,
Science also withdraws,
allowing lesser faculties to
race. Besides, the stadium
track was too narrow for
three chariots.
October 30,1963 — In their
first-ever Chariot Race, SUS
resoundingly defeats the
'geers. Aggies are nowhere
to be seen. The 'geers are
none too happy, explaining
"we helped them rebuild
their chariot after someone
swiped parts of it!"
February 4,1964 — As a
Science Week stunt, Le Main
Noir overturns an A-53
Austin at the main gates,
using distress flares to simulate belching smoke. The
effect is so impressive that
the UBC fire and police
departments come out to congratulate the pranksters. With
some quick thinking the gang
tells them: "We were just
emphasizing the extreme
danger of driving at this cor-
September 14,1965 —
Science becomes the first
faculty to publish an anti-calendar — the Black and Blue
Review. Students were polled
on the effectiveness of courses, considering the prof, syllabus and text. Not surprisingly, some profs bitched, but
a significant improvement in
their teaching was later
October 21,1965 — The
Chariot Race is usually an
amicable event where rival
faculties participate in easygoing competition. But this
year, the 'geers are still sore
from the stinging defeat
inflicted by SUS two years
prior. Halfway through, the
race deteriorates into a bruising free-for-all. The
Engineers bite off more than
they could chew, however,
and receive the brunt of the
damage. Science sends over a
dozen 'geers to the hospital,
compared with SUS' single
casualty. In an act of valor,
the 'geers ban Science from
future races, opting instead to
compete against the tamer
Aggies and Foresters.
January 4, 1966 -— Exposure
to radiation in his PHYS 115
lab causes William Brommel
to mutate from a normal
Science student to an academically-conscientious one.
Symptoms of genius also
lead to his triumph as the
winner of the Rhodes
Scholarship for BC.
January 20,1966 — 600
Science students celebrate
Science Week with their first
smoker, but gate-crashing
tOttfcE SJUb&lTS:
A* A *¥$«
\ ____/
\ Act  mow /
• sporVrs Director,
• Public Relations oFficEf^
Mounties seize one Miss
'Candy' Jones, the centre of
attention, and charge her with
committing an indecent act.
Police also seize a projector,
but find no film.
February 11,1966 — The
Black Hand design the first-
ever human paperweight in
the form of an EUS Vice
President. Later design
tweaks included bent-over
'geers, ostensibly to "act as
January 19,1967 — During
Science Week, SUS buries a
time capsule to be opened in
2067. Unfortunately, of those
things buried "somewhere
along Main Mall", Douglas
Kenny, then Dean of Arts, is
not included.
October 6,1967 — 'Geers
strip SUS First VP John
Taylor of his clothes and
dress him in red underwear.
A call for vengence takes
hold of the SUS, and amidst
a display of fireworks and
smoke, any engineer unfortunate enough to be found near
Main Library is dunked.
October 18,1967 — Once
again during Science Week, a
lusty celebration is held, and
once again it is crashed by
the police. However, the
event is held this time in the
new SUB Party Room. SUS
executive deny all knowledge
of the event, pointing out that
the room was booked by the
Young Businessmens' Club.
The first Black Plague is
November 12-14,1969 —
One small prank for Science,
one giant leap for
Sciencekind. The result of
drunken debauchery, a field
trip to Cape Kennedy, Florida
nets a NASA flag for SUS.
Not just any flag, but the one
from the mission conference
and briefing room. Now, if
we could just find the guy
who stole it from us!
December 3,1969 — SUS
President Ron Gilchrist, due
to lack of student housing,
decides to move into the SUS
Office with his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, their hot plate
starts a fire which destroys
the office. The Dean, none
too pleased, shuts SUS down
until 1972.
March 11,1981—Dave
Frank, elected as SUS
President, revives the Black
Hand, Science Chariot Races,
SUS involvement in
Intramurals, and incompetent
November 5,1981 —
Revived SUS Chariot Race
team comes in third.
February 19 - March 16,
1982 — SUS celebrates the
20th Anniversary of the first-
ever Science election by
reenacting it. The event was
organized by Horacio de la
1983 — SUS initiates fulfill
their pledges by painting the
Cheeze Pub bright pink. Yet
another issue of The Black
Plague shocks journalistic
1984 — Nothing significant
happens. A wave of apathy
sweeps campus.
1985 — Spring elections see
the rise of the Mustard
Dynasty. The High Priest of
Ethanol, Ron Teljeur, erects
his temple of twice-monthly
insanity, The Underground.
1986 — A particular red station wagon disappears in the
night, and is later found
impaled on the 'geer
"block". UBC declared an
undergraduate-free zone.
1987 — The 432 is first published.
Entertainment '93 Coupon Books
Jam-packed with half-price coupons!
The skiing coupons are definitely worth using!
Fine dining, Arts, Sports, Travel, and much more!
Pick up your copy
at the UBC Science
Society office,
Room 160 io
The Four Thirty-rTwo    Vol 6 No 9 *  1 Feb'93
The Morris Methods
Jamie   .
Experiment #3 — Observations
of the Defence Mechanism of
Thyrone Briareus — Trial #2
This is trial #2 of my first
experiment with Thyrone
Briareus (translation: sea cucumbers). As you may recall, my
results were so inconsistent and
variable in the last trial that no
concrete conclusion could be
For those of you who missed
trial #1 (and for those of you
who forgot), in these experiments I am observing the time it
takes for a member of the species
Thyrone briareus to self-eviseer-
ate (violently expel its 'insides')
when there is danger present.
(For those of you who missed
the first experiment, don't worry
— the sea cucumbers don't die,
they simply regenerate the lost
If members of the species
Thyrone briareus are placed in a
dangerous circumstance, the
time it takes for the test subject
to self-eviscerate will be directly
proportional to the danger level.
Data and Observations
Danger Level 0: As before, this
is the control.
Danger Description: Test subject
#1 sits with his buddies in my
bathtub. Some toxic waste and
crude oil are added to the water
to better simulate the natural
Time to Self-Eviscerate: No self-
evisceration observed.
Results and Observations:
These results are consistent with
those of trial #1. Requests for
alcoholic beverages were prominent.
Danger Level 1
Danger Description: Test subject #2 was thoroughly dressed
in many layers of clothes, of
which a dirty trench coat was the
top layer, sunglasses were added
for effect. Test subject #2 was
then driven down to the VUSTC's
headquarters (Vancouver Indoor
Nudist Club) and thrown in the
front door — still wearing the
Time to Self-Eviscerate:
Unknown at moment
Results and Observations: Initial
observations were impossible (as
I was outside when the mayhem
started), but eventually the police
came and took test subject #2
away in handcuffs. Onlookers
screamed 'Pervert' and 'Peeping
Tom' as test subject #2 was
placed by the cop into the back
seat of the squad car. It did not
appear that test subject #2 had
self-eviscerated; however, I am
confident that it will happen
when he receives the bill from
his defence attorney.
Danger Level 2
Danger Description: How many
times, when you were a child,
did your mom or dad tell you to
keep your arm inside the car
when they were driving? They
said a passing car will rip it right
out of the socket, didn't they?
Well, now that you're older, you
know it's true. Test subject #3
was placed in the left, rear passenger seat of my turbo-charged
K-car with its head partially out
the rolled down window.
Tune to Self-Eviscerate: 1.349
Results and Observations:
Unfortunately, my turbo-charged
K-car is much too powerful for a
delicate experiment of this kind.
Whenever I accelerated, it was
Newton's Third Law (action-
reaction law) that caused the
self-evisceration rather than the
danger of the passing cars and
Danger Level 3
Danger Description: Test subject #4 was entered as a contestant on the hit television show
"Studs". A female by the name
of Betty was to be the date of test
subject #4. Test subject #4 would
be subjected to the intense anxiety and apprehension of the situation.
Time to Self-eviscerate: No self-
evisceration observed.
Results and Observations:
Although test subject #4 was
nervous before the date, and
bumbled a bit when Betty
arrived, it went fairly well. First
the two went out for an expensive dinner, and then went dancing at various nightclubs with
complementary VIP passes. I
could not finish the observations
of the date because the bouncers
at the nightclubs wouldn't let me
in (they all pointed to a common
sign which read: "Muscular
jock-types only please — no
experimentalists"). When interviewed later on the show, Betty
said, "Oh no no! Nothing sexual
happened. He was the perfect
gentleman, and a fine dancer.
He fits that old saying: cool as a
sea cucumber..." Test subject #4
and Betty won first prize on the
show and are now enjoying a
dream vacation in Hawaii.
Danger Level 4
Danger Description: Test subject
#5 was dressed in a white lab
coat and forced to enter a
-Chemistry lab without any eye
protection! (Those of you who
aren't in Chemistry must take
my word of the sheer danger of
such a thing. [For those of you in
Chemistry, starting next week
I'm giving private demonstrations on proper fume hood techniques. Speak to me if you are
Time to Self-Eviscerate: 10.45
Results and Observations: As
was expected, every lethal chemical, every tiny piece of glass,
and every little fleck of dust flew
from their resting places and hit
test subject #5 in the head. These
particles all hit the precise location where Thyrone briareus
would have had eyes, if it had
evolved a pair. Test subject #5
did not self-eviscerate until a
nearby lab TA grabbed it, rushed
it over to the "Emergency Eye
Wash Station" and vigorously
scrubbed its head.
Danger Level 5
Danger Description: While
attending my weekly PISA meeting (People Infatuated with
Seafood Anonymous), I asked
the receptionist—a beautiful
blonde whose nametag read
Michelle — to look after test
subject #6 for a while because I
was supposedly "going cold
turkey on seafood". After having
convinced Michelle to take test
subject #6 home, I waited a couple of days before executing this
trial — the kidnapping of test
subject #6.
Time to Self-Eviscerate:
Results and Observations:
Breaking into Michelle's house
was not a problem, nor was
locating test subject #6, (it was in
the bathtub). The trouble started
on my getaway. I ran from the
house to the other side of the
street where my car was parked.
Unfortunately for me, a cop car
was patrolling the neighbourhood, and drove by as 1 dashed
out onto the road. He ordered me
to stop over his radio, and when I
didn't, he started shooting. I
quickly climbed into my car and
a gratuitous car chase ensued
with plenty of gunfire (much like
the one in the "Blues Brothers").
The chase lasted for about ten
minutes and ended when I drove
my turbo-charged K-car off the
Lions Gate Bridge. Later, when
I surfaced (much further down
Burrard Inlet, away from the
cops), test subject #6 was
nowhere to be found.
All in all the results were better
in this trial than in number one;
however, they're still not good
enough to make a valid conclusion. Perhaps Thyrone briareus
is too simple of an organism for
an experiment of this type.
Perhaps if I used my extremely
advanced methods of recombinant DNA to give humans the
defence mechanism of Thyrone
briareus ...mmmm... Oh well,
see you in the Valentine's Day
A Minute in SUS.
January 28,1993.
CALL TO ORDER: 1:36 pm
GUEST: Nigel McNabb on the United Nations Book Project
• challenge to all clubs from Physsoc to collect older edition texts
(1980 and newer) for underdeveloped countries
SUS Council Minutes dated January 14,1993
Postponed from last week:
3. Moved Patrick Lum, Seconded Janice Boyle,
"That the executive elections guidelines be accepted as
1. Moved Jason Holmes, Seconded Tim Lam,
"That the SUS Constitution be ammended as presented."
(Note: this motion requires a 3/4 majority to pass.)
2. Moved Emel Akhurt, Seconded Farheen Rawji,
'That nominations for the Executive Elections open on Feb 01,
1993, and close on Feb. 08,1993."
4. Moved Jason Holmes, Seconded Janice Boyle,
'That nominations for the position of Executive Secretary be
5. Moved Tim Lam, Seconded Terence Fan,
'That Sarah Thornton be appointed Executive Secretary for the
remainder of the academic year."
(note: Ryan McCuaig opposed).
Academics: Teaching Excellence Awards - post banners,
nomination forms Feb 1; next mtg Feb 11,12:30, in SUS.
Elections: Nominations Feb 1-8, forms in 432.
AMS: Campus Times can distribute in SUB again; AMS
Foundation has an exec.; understanding between AMS and UBC
admin, approved.
Science Week: Many thanks, went great; let Sarah know $.
Publications: Deadline now, next one Feb 5; going to buy a
colour scanner at approx $1300.
Finance: BPP and BioSoc budgets to be approved next week.
Social: Dance went great; No Class Bash Feb 19 with Karaoke
machine; Social Committee mtg Feb 4,12:30, in SUS.
Senate: Imposing quotas on 2nd and 3rd year Science.
Sports: 1st term points: Science men 6500, EUS men 4300;
Science women 3900, Gage women 3300; sports council mtg.
Tues 12:30; sports banquet in Mar in Ballroom.
Sales: New inventory — come and see!; sales booths went great,
over $1700 sold.
Food Drive: Physiology Club won, great job everyone!
Employment: Not much coming in.
Astronomy Club: n/r
BPP: Feb 12: pizza and pop 500 in IRC; bzzr garden Feb 19
BioSoc: Fri Jan 29 bzzr garden Biol 2449
CSC: Gym night next week
Dawson; n/r
Geography Club: Geopit Fri night.
Math Club: Seeking budget info?
Micro Club: Home Brew and Mixer went well; Fri Mar 12
mystery cruise; grad tix avail.
Pre-Dent: Tours.
Pre-Med: Gym night Jan 29 OsbA; CPR on Sat.
PSA: Tonight Roxy $5
Physsoc: Airplane contest great — 60 people; movie nights soon.
Moved Chris Woods, Seconded Janice Boyle,
"That in the spirit of SUS and with the hope to improve inter-
faculty relations with the Engineers, and so that the External VP
can perform his duties to the best of his abilities without fears of
being tanked, the SUS contribute the sum of $43.20 for the
express purpose of purchasing one RED evening dress from Value
Village for Roger to wear to all Applied Science council
ADJOURNMENT: 2:36 PM by Carmen McKnight Vol 6 No 9 t  1 Feb'93     The Four Thirty-Two
's next submission deadline is
February 5? Because next issue is
*J the ever-popular VALENTINE'S
DAY ISSUE, featuring the return
of 3 LINES FREE (Great for those
cryptic messages to your loved
one(s)), and the world-famous EROTIC HAIKU CONTEST,
featuring prizes that have yet to be decided upon. There are
four categories for the Haiku Contest: Best Male to Female,
Best Female to Male, Best M/F to Miscellaneous Land
Animal, and Most Likely to Make the Editors to Toss Their
Cookies (in either the depraved or the simperingly sweet
sense.) The deadline for submissions to either the Haiku
Contest or 3 Lines Free is 6pm Monday, February 8. Just
drop 'em off in The 432's submission box. Keep them
libidos rolling...
Dean's Honour List
Science students who obtained an overall 1st class average in the (1991-92) .
academic year. They receive a certificate noting their accomplishment and their
academic transcript is annotated to indicate their inclusion on the Dean's Honour
,<1T YFAl? -  1991-92
Robert M Alisharan
Stephen!, Anderson
Dawn E Andrews
Valeric J As trope
Adam Jan Auer
Cyntnla Joan Baker
Ktith S Banerjee
Janice Lee A Boyle
Kesten C Brought on
Michael P Buckland
Joyce Nlng Yee Chan
Kennrtli Ka-Ho Chan
Kin Ytp Leith Chan
Channaine Wai L Chang
Chla-Mu Chang
Sandra Woun Chang
Jennifer C Chesko
Dorothy On Cheung
Grace C-Y Cheung
NlUd Cheung
Nancy Met Sum Chew
Benjamin T Chlam
Joseph Jerry Chi en
Wai Kd Vicky Chin
Winifred W Chu
Sam Yeol Chun
Albert Wing Chung
Steven M Clark
David Jay Cohen
David R Collins
WiUiam Jon Collins
James Scott Conklln
Victoria C Cox
Dceolny M Craig
Kevin A Douglas
Darren O Edam urs
Catherine D Edgar
Gwendolyn GUongos
Edward Gin
Tyler Wayne Gjemes
•Ruby K Crewal
OttvW Tazim Hamcer
Suzanne Han
Erin A HaslnolT
Alison Agnes HlH
Alice Ho
Blake E Hockey
David Hsu
Catherine Chee Hul
Jimmy Ka-Ho Hul
Thomu Yeuk S Hul
Ryan Wei Yan Hung
Sun J oo Jang
Melanie J<     ' '
Rachel Jones
Lamia V Kaliane
Judy Kao
Slml Khangura
Rahul Khosla
Fel'Mlng Flora Kwan   .
Raymond Kwan
Tsui-Ming Theresa Kwan
Malthew M K Kwok
Helen Wing-Yai) Kwoo
Rosanna Hoi S Lai
Edward Charles Lam
Eugene Keith Lam
Fred Chiu-Lai Larri
Kilty Kit-Yee" Lam
Norman La man
Anne Bong-Eng Lau
King Bong J Lau
Lawrence Lau
Michael W Law
Benjamin Wei H Lee
Ching Sang Lee
Patricia Kay Lee
Kaf Sang Leung
Wai Ting P Leung
Marian LI
Fa! f lona Lun
Heidi YukSau U
Slrrpom Lohachitranont
Frances Kit Y Lwi
Mark J MacLachlan
Mitra G Maharaj
Anna Jane Mason
Mlchad J McCready
Ryan Graeme McCuaig
Jacqueline Dale McDUrraid
AU Mir-Mohammad-Sadeghl
Mlchad D Milton
Richard Owen Moore
Stephanie Myckatyn
Jonas D Naphtall
Patrick G Neufeld
Robert L Newman
David Ka Chun Ng
Natalia Pel Sze Ng
Mark Nife
Geraldlne M O'Keeffe
David Brian O'Neill
Brent B Oil huh
Kakurl Issa Omarl
Benjamin P L Ong
Christine Ortlepp
Emily Pal
Yuk Pak
Monika Yee Man Parig
Bogd.in C Petrcsm
Mark H Poembacher
Michelle RPoiner
Mlchad Poon
MohamedaruT Premjt
Peter Brian Rhodes    '
Shirley Anne Robum
Shuichl Sakai
Jalruu Sathlanathan
Jonathan J N Seper
Bobby Shayegan
DanlelS Ship
John Franklin Slmms
Matthew Ping F Sin
Graham B Sinclair
Terry Man Kong Siu
Rita Sun
Erik Nathan Swartc
Deanna Michelle Tan
Melissa Mien Tan
Steven Tanaka
Raymond K Tang
Chee Peng Tey
Suxanne H Ting
Angela Suk-Man To
Mlchad Kal T*un To
Vu Ngoc Truorig
Leonard WayeHTse    .
Tomoyukl Tsuda
RKuphry Mlchad Tu
WsQarunnlssa Valianl
Mark Van Raamsdonk
Matthew Van Wollen
Levi David Waldron
Steven Wan
Mark S Wensauer
DumJnda Nalaka Wljeysundera
Susan Louise Winter
Bonlta Pan K Wong
Justin Kal Fal Wong .
Toby W Wong
Mark Johnson Wu
Constance Nga Hang Wun
Mina Ying Ying Yiu
Hikarl I Yoshlhara
Serena Young
Loreita Yuen
Odessa So-Yee Yuen
Nadla Y Zalunardo
3RD YEAR -   1991-g
Elizabeth A Alblas
Jennifer E Anderson
Michelle Anderson
Mark H Atkins
Sharon Jeel K Autakh
Craig A)van Aumann
-   Shane Allen Baker
Terrance D Barrett
Jennifer L Berkeley
Allsdair B Boraston
E Jason Broome
lain K Brown
Jennifer M Bugar
Igor Leonid Burstyn
Kirsten Lynne Bury
Sonla A Butterworth
Ryan Scott Bystrom
Julian D Carrasco
Mlchad LapP Chan
Rajpal Singh Chandi
Kftth RChatww
- Peter Man Yuen Chee
Jeffrey P-Y Chen
Alicia Kit F Cheung
Christian S Cheung
Winnie Wing Y Cheung
Jason E Chisham
Elizabeth C Chong
David Terry Chow
Eric Ho-Kl Chu
Jeff R Comisarow
Elaine Marie Davids
Graham P Del [aire
Rajwinder Dhaml
Tanls Lynn Douglas
Bradley Jason Dueck
Gillian Ann Duncan
Linda-Joy Ewart
Terence John Field
Jennifer E Fischer
Hot Ste Fong
Jason Cyrus Ford
Trevor Mcdonald Fox
Leanne Kaxuml Fukul
Maria A Furlong
Walter GllUes
Mlchad TCjemes
Suzana Glavas
Narty A Golestanl
Kathleen A Gordon
Jagjit Stngh Gosal
Jeffrey A Grout
Gregory R F Hand
Leanne Haywood-Farmer
Kaiherlne V Heath
Stephen J Hentschel
Graham Douelns Mill
r>iin<;m r.i n.-iv^Ho
Susanne M Hoc-vain
Michael Y Ikari
Sandy Jung
Csthenne M Juncic
Malik H Kaliane
Joan Shung Chi Kara
Darren M Kantlkura
Pravjot K Kandola
Yl Tsun Richard Kao
Shana Lynn Kibble
David Edward Kim
Danld Kwok Yan Ko
Brian FLahuTe
Rebecca Wing 5 Lai
Nltnlra P Lalanl     -
Hddl Lap Mun Lam
Hannah L Landecker
Gillian A Larkin
Bienca Uu
William Wai Lun Lau
Ka Wai Helen Law
Elizabeth R Leboc
Sylvia Wei Tsl Lee
Brian Leung
Charles Park N Leung
Wai Ming li
Belty Ping Lin
Patrick K Lum
Tony Luongo
'Christopher Keith Macgowan
Brent J MacNicol
Dtanne L Marriott
Morag Jane McMillan
Matthew J Meeuwtssen
Adam T Meneghetti
Jonathan D Morrison
Michael Rao Mulvey
Mafalda S Musacchio
Terence M Myckatyn
Farhana Nakhooda
Ross Douglas Noble
Jill K Non-U
Christopher E Nott
Ketf Erik Novlk
Stephen Mark OTCane
Slelan T Obenaus
Nicholas James Oke
Josephine Osborne
Janice COstlln
CeoiTM Palmer
Edward Poon
Kenneth Todd Reed
F.Mi-r M Welti
Lisa Susanne Relroer
Jennifer a Rennlck
Lisa Anne Ronald
Nicky Sarah Sample
Demian Paul Seale
Johnny Chun L Shim
Jeremy B Smith
Richard W Smith
Deepall N Spaeth
Caroline E SUgant
Anna Sun
Florence Mee S Tarn
Shuk Ling Agnes To
Sellna Tribe
Jeff Allen Tupper
Lars Sakarl Ounila
Jeffrey M Walker
Hden C Ward
Jonathan M Wilson
Anna B Wlsniewska
Joanne T-l, Wong
Wei Wing Wong
JennUer K J Yao
Alice Dalm-Ha Yu
Babak Bob Zamirt
Annette N Zolbrod
2ffP YEAR -   1991 92
David E Amundsen
George U S Athwal
Lynn Alexandra Ball
Lana W Barber
Richard J Baverstock
Harjlndtr J S Blning
Christopher Gregory llrisebots
Andrea Elaine Buker
Philip Chan
Raphael U-Kuo Chan
Kim Clung
Winnie Won Mon Che -<g
' "May Chlio
James Edward Chin
Grace 5-L Chiu
Laura QuarfMan Cho u
Pamela iUa Mle Chow
Ya-Fen Jenny Chuanj
Moo Kyung Chung
Eileen D Cochlen
Linda J Cudddbrd
Warren J Davidson
Krlsta M Dunlop
WUUamJamea Dynes
Caleb Joshua Eades
Warren H Fteenor
Chris Andrew Flynn
Lynette Al ling Foe
Scolt Gordon Fraser
Diane H. Fredrlckson
Lara Uari Gilbert
Brian David Gllgan
Nidcolas Gtabovac
Stephen J Gustafson
Diane G HasenwUikle
Richard John Heaton
Nobby NftvraJ Heran
Lisa M Hewitt
Anthony Sloug H Ho
Marcta Hogellng
Stewart Man F Hung
Am Close Hyndman
Eddy Jim
Christoptier D W Jones
Pattl Lai Jung
Andrea D Kalousek
Gurmlt V K Kang
David Kramer
Jason Keith Krowtu
JeffKa Fsl Kwan
Angela Hoi Kl Lai
Vivian Wai-Man Lai
Shalreeo Lalanl
Stephen Todd Leroux
Michelle Suen Loo
Snslw M l.upichuk
Erin Shu Fen Ma
Eric Robert Majer
Kin Cheung Mak
Angelo A Mazzaraella
Steven Rhodes Meyer
Steven Monai
David R Mould
Stefan Adl Muljo
Don James Munro
Joseph F Nelson
Vivian Wei-Wun Ng
Thuy Dung Nguyen
Alfred Erich Pertner
Richard G Pemn
Heather N Peters
Todd M Peterson
Kenneth Poon
. Peter Klng-Wai Poon
Adde Alton Pratt
Kuljlt K Ral
Manojkumar J Raval
Rtchard Hwayong Ree
James C Richards
Carole M Richiord
Marko Ragnar Riedd
Brian John Rukavma
David Dale Rushka
William Andre Suva
Jason John Smith
Michele S Smith
Janette C Speyers
Devin Alan Spooner
John George Stanley
Sarah J Thornton
Jacqueline WTIong
Derek Tat Yan Tong
Sara Jane Towgood
KrUtle M Trainor
Andrew King Tsang
Amy Hd See Tse
Claire Tweed dale
John Roman Walker
Armabd Y-Y Wee
Angela I Wensink
Marc E Whltaker
Peter D M Whltelaw
Heath Wilkinson
Neil John Wlpplch
Sarah Chi Ling Wu
Shang Ching v Yeh
Tara A Young
Dean's Scholar
This award recognizes the top 20 students entering 3rd and 4th year-Science in
September 1992.
These students receive a $100 gift certificate, a certificate stating that they are a
Science Scholar, attend a reception and dinner, and their transcript annotated
indicating the award.
The award also recognizes the top 20 students graduating at the end of
academic year 1991-92. These students receive a certificate notinq their
George Lome Agar
GhaUb Ahmed
Sandra M AUtna '
Jamie Gait Arthur
Rumi-Lynn Asano
Maryam Baghbannazary
Gurprit Bains
Eric D Balzarim
James S Baxter
Stephanie K Block    :>ent
Heist Hollinger
Stuart Z Horak
Jacqueline CW Hul
Joieph KoHunglp
AJlion L Isaacson
Ab red Jamal
An :!rew N Jenkins
Ch rryl Ann Jerome
El L Kersey
Gloria Y NakatanJ
Daniel Corry Newall
Christopher J Nichols
Jimmy Nlng
• Jennifer A C O'Farrell
Diane E Oddy
Conrad D Oja
Jeffrey R Ovter
Jennifer Arine Pain
Lulgl Andrea Pavan
Christine D Phillips
late because of late mark
Christian Bern hard
Christina I Poon
Kornig ■
Dana Leigh Powell
Jordan Andrew Bona;'
Hoi-ard J Kwan
Elizabeth A Quebec
Heather M Brown
Richard M Brusklewkh
Jor/i Tie Woon Lai
Douglas G Ratzlaff
Timothy J Bussey
Amina Plrbhai Lalanl
4ohn An gus Ridley
Mlchad K Butchart
Nod Lam
Christina M Cani]
Ald:n Wesley Lange
Jeffrey E Roberts
FttHL Chaffee
Fra ikle W Lau
Lllah Natalia Rossi
Stephen Cheng
Su< Ying Lao
Joinlfcr Slu Chiang
Barney A Lee
George Kal Yee Chow
MeiUnManFai Lee
Beverly Aileen Chua
Lon ny ELegault
Kan wai Sangha
Cat lerUie MK Leung
Kathryn M Schubert
Jasmine S Cohen
Dae line Leung
Sandra Lynn Scott
Allison J Coleman
Middle C LImaniour
Mitchell E CouUng
Dar.ny Un
Angela M Crampton
Mgi! J Uvesley
Lisa C Crockett
Gregory Richard Dake
Taiwan Louie
Hden Davis
Lucli Jan-Luck Louis
Navid Dehghanl-M
Rolf: Mario Luongo
Richmond Sy
Jeanne Z. MacLeod
Mini Mah
Maliolm Ka-Ho Man
Danielle L Dubouri
Barlsara Louise Mark
Melissa Terllngcn
Nicole Judith Dyck
Tamara Falter
Lynn Labrador Farralei
Kenneth K-L Fung
David R McBride
Lori Jean Gadsden
Elaine CMcKevItt
Susan E Mcleod
Kaviraj Singh Gosal
Anne E Greene
Jam -j L McWhirter'
Kelly A Guggisberg
Roland Mechler
Eileen O Guillen
Shar: ram Mehraban
April Maureen Hahn
Carl A Michal
Done Id James Mlnato
Alison Wendy Wlebe
Thomas MK Han
Laura A Hanson
Leo Mok
Bruce D Harthett
Bron wn L Morrison
Scot A Mountain
Jerry Hendry
Davw WMurion
Ryan Alexander Hill
Joanne P Muster
2ND YEAR - 1991-92
1. JONES, Christopher D W
2. MONAI. Steven
3. RIEDEL, Marko Ragnar
4. ALLCOCK, Kimberly G
5. CHAN, Raphael Li-Kuo
6. BUrCER, Andrea Elaine
7. KALOUSEK. Andrea D
8. . LUPICHUK, Sasha M
9. CHIN. James Edwards
10. GUSTAFSON, Stephen J
11. GILL, Harpreet
12. SILVA, William Andre
13. CHIU, Grace S-L
14. HASENW1NKLE, Diane G
15. STAFFORD, Douglas J
16. MAH, Franky
17. HAHN, Linlea
18. COCHIEN, Eileen D
19. CHANG, Kim
20. POON, Peter
3RD YEAR - 1991-92
4TH YEAR -1991-92
2. KALFANE, Malik H
3. KO, Daniel Kwok Yan
4. CHANDI, Rajpal Singh
5. ANDERSON, Jennifer E
6. LAM, Heidi Lap Mun
7. RENNICK, Jennifer A
8. POON, Edward
„ 9. RONALD, Lisa Anne
UO. REED, Kenneth Todd
11. CHATWIN, Keith R
12. LAU, Bienca
13. GILLIES, Walter
14. WARD, Helen C
15. YIP, Samuel
16. MACGOWAN, Christopher Keith
17. CHONG, Elizabeth C
18. KANDOLA, Pravjot K
19. KAM, Joan Shung Chi
20. STIGANT, Caroline E
Christopher Nichols
Teresa Kwan
John T W Lai
Lonny E Legault
Frankie W Lau
Valerie Voon
Isabelle Vonder Muhll
Carl Michal
David R McBride
Michael K Butchart
Christina Poon
Paul J Koltronis
Navid Dehghani-M
Stephanie K Block
Danny Lin
Gurprit Bains
Kirsten Van Loon
Maryam Baghbannazary
Rolfe Mario Luongo
Lesley Ann Caswell .   *
Amina Pirbhai Lalani    *
Students had exactly same marks 12
The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb '93
M&lvakten (that's Swedish for the target)
The way I figure it, God was
not an engineer.
I was led to this thought in a
rather short length of time this
evening. About 2.1 seconds, to
be exact. What the whole thing
boiled down fo was the
inescapable conclusion that no
self-respecting engineer could
possibly lay claim to something
as poorly designed and dysfunctional as the human brain. My
theory is that God sub-contracted
the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation (a la Hitch Hikers
Guide) to mass-produce these
things — like everything else
SCC makes, the only good thing
about them is that the peripheral
design flaws cause problems that
tend to cover up the more fundamental design flaws.
This grand revelation struck
me as I was playing hockey the
other night. Hockey, as you all
know, is a wonderful game —
what one of my friends calls "the
last great gladiator sport". He's
got a point there; one would be
hard-pressed to find a more apt
description for a game involving
twelve testosterone-crazed thugs,
armed with sticks, pummeling
each other into a sheet of solid
ice for control of a three-inch
rubber bullet (Ain't it great?)
But alas, the prospect of getting a mouthful of lumber in the
corner wasn't good enough for
me, oh no. I needed more abuse.
Having come to grips with that at
the tender age of six, I promptly
became one of those particularly
warped individuals that they call
goaltenders, aka goalies, aka targets. .
As a famous goalie by the
name of Lome (Gump) Worsley
always said, "You don't have to
be crazy to be a goalie, but it
helps." I think the Gurnper hit the
nail on the head there. Goalies,
along with skydivers, cliff-divers
and people who throw water balloons at heads-of-state, are
blessed with a rather curious state
of mind. As far as I can tell, the
desire to impede the forward
progress of said rubber bullet
(accustomed to travelling in
excess of 100 km/h) by putting
oneself in its path defies every
self-preservatory mechanism the
central nervous system has to
offer. Much along the same lines
as jumping out of a perfectly
good airplane, throwing yourself
onto large, shallowly submerged
rocks, or quickly developing a
close working relationship with
those Secret Service gorillas,
stuffed into suits and shades and
toting Uzis in their breast pockets.
The main advantage goaltend-
ing has over these is that it's the
only one that will get you on
CNN without something going
horribly wrong (with the sole
exception of the last one). But I
think any goalie will tell you that
he is not there for the fame.
Believe it or not, there are those
of us out there who actually find
the idea to be one of great fun.
(You'll have to pardon me for
a moment ifl sound a little too
PC here, but you' II notice that I
only said "he" above. I'd like to
take this opportunity to both
acknowledge my profound sense
of gender-insensitivity, and to
offer these words toManon
Rheaume, afar better goalie than
myself: Je vous adore. Mariez-
moi, ma chirie. She rules.)
Granted, the impact of the
puck takes some getting used to
at first. My basic training consisted mainly of standing in goal
suppressing my autonomic nervous system while the biggest
guy on the team wound up from
about ten feet away. The penalty
for so much as blinking was
twenty pushups - which, due to
my wearing half my weight in
waterlogged goal equipment,
ended up being morepainful than
the simple bone bruise the puck
ended up giving me anyway.
Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle a goalie has to overcome is
the fact that the human brain simply was not designed with such
rigors in mind.
Which brings us to tonight.
There I am, standing patiently in
the net while the play knocks
around in the other end. It happens that our team was doing a
rather good job of keeping the
puck down there, and so my
mind started to wander. I stayed
lost in thought for some time,
contemplating all manner of topics completely irrelevant to the
task at hand (including -1 hate to
admit it - a fleeting reflection on
the Bay City Rollers, of all
things), when suddenly I was
interrupted by a special bulletin
from my eyes: Your defenceman
just coughed it up at the point.
They've got a breakaway.
Back into goalie mode - in the
crouch, stick down, glove out,
cut down the angles. I was ready.
It was at this point that a rather
inopportune power struggle
broke out between rivalling factions of neurons inside my head.
The one bunch decided that
now, of all times, was the correct
time to engage in a little bit of
neurological irouble-shooting
(which says volumes for the
amount I apparently need). I thus
began to consider:
a) why I was of the opinion
that-this rather neolithic game
was the cleverest pastime I could
come up with,
b) why my sense of self-
preservation was obviously so
inept that it'd let me play this
game for sixteen years, and yet
I'd survived the whole time with
out doing something completely
suicidal, and
ROLLERS!? You gotta be kid-
At that point, the other bunch
came to the rescue. Uh, hate to
interrupt, but our buddy up there
with the puck just crossed centre
and he' 11 be here real soon so
will you please cut it out and
Yeah, right, I say, as I move to
the top of the crease. Challenge
the shooter. Draw in slowly. Let
him make the first move.
The first bunch reply: Is HE
nuts? You're the ones ones who
want him to stand here and get us
all blown out the back of his
skull with a puck, and you're
calling him nuts!?
Well, if you all don't shut the
hell up and help out, that could
just happen! Get on it!
Suffice it to say that things got
a little heated from there on in.
But, in my state of utter confusion, when the hope of either
regaining my sanity or stopping
the puck seemed all but lost, I fell
back on pure guesswork and slid
across to my right, making a
spectacular pad save as the shooter went low to the backhand.
What can I say? You were
right, Gump. Long live crazy
c> —
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