"CONTENTdm"@en . "http://resolve.library.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/catsearch?bid=1229713"@en . "University Publications"@en . "2016-07-19"@en . "1993-02-01"@en . "https://open.library.ubc.ca/collections/the432/items/1.0000582/source.json"@en . "application/pdf"@en . " Oj, titta, pojkar och flickor! Nu har vi tolv sidor! Vad spannande!\nUrsschj shge. burnggj\nreh hunh biniski bu.j\nHehr rjiisch beclorr j\nhnhjber huhr.\nBoork! Boork! Boorki!\nTidningentillVetenskapsstudenter \u00E2\u0080\u00A2Vol6Nr9-\nSUS SEEKS PENNANT IN '93\nExecutive \"Dream Team\" Looking to Threepeat as Champs.\n Kevin Phillips Bong\nRoving Correspondent\nWell, folks, it's that time of\nyear once again. That's right,\nbaseball season is just around\nthe corner, and the folks\ndown at SUS are making\nplans for their 1993\nExecutive All-Star Team\nElection as we speak.\nSign-up for spring training\nwill take place between\nFebruary 1st and 8th, and\nanyone who's interested in a\njob is encouraged to come\nand try out. Fan balloting will\ntake place February 22nd to\n24th, which will give us what\nmany predict to be the team\nto beat in 1993.\nSaid Hall-of-Famer and\nformer five-time league MVP\nErik \"Catfish\" Jensen, \"The\nJays don't stand a chance this\nyear. They used dirty triclis to\nget Molitor out from under\nour noses, but it won't help.\nThey're finished.\"\nAnd now, a brief summary\nof the positions up for balloting {ass't. ed. note: the serious list is buried in the back\nsomewhere):\nTHE STARTING LINEUP\nPresident: The boss. The\ncheese. The starter. Don't\nbother applying if your\n_ ERA last season was\nanything over 2.20. Cy\nYoung winners welcome,\nbut guaranteed to be\ngrossly underpaid.\nInternal Vice-Prez: Our first\nbaseman, and usually a\nbig inside hitter.\nCoordinates Teaching\nReview & Elections, and\nis in charge with dealing\nwith Plate Umpire\nMcBride.\nExternal Vice-Prez:\nFormerly out in left field,\nnow moved to centre\nwhere he can oversee the\nfield staff better. Power\noutside hitter. Official\nliaison with other teams,\nincluding the Bad News\nGeers, and the Owners'\nUnion (AMS). Also\ncoordinates Science\n. Week.\nDirector Of Publications:\nThird base/batboy. Prints\nthe programs, does the\nplay-by-play, and also\ndeals with the AMS.\nExecutive Secretary: The\ncatcher. Gives the signs,\nmakes up the roster, and\nkeeps track of the pitch\ncount. Batting clean-up.\nAlso an AMS rep.\nDirector of Finance: An\neffective shortstop that\nruns a tight infield. Gets\neveryone's budget under\ncontrol (yeah, like we\nhave salaries).\nSports Director: Our player-\nmanager at second base.\nOrganizes the sports\nteams. Also responsible\nfor getting \"The Wave\"\ngoing at home games.\nPublic Relations Officer:\nOur new right fielder.\nDeals with the AMS,\nteam charities, employment reps, and sponsorship reps, and gets to\nmake those cool commercials with the United\nWay.\nSocial Coordinator:\nOccasionally in left field.\nUsually clear over the\nleft field fence. Books\nthe road stadiums and\nruns the shows & parties.\n/-**\"-.\nHALL BORT FRAN BARN.\nTIDNINGEN INNEHALLER\nLIVSFARLIGA ARTIKLER.\nINGREDIENSER:\nOVER 95% OF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIUM\nHYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCARBONS,\nAND H6MP TREES. LESS THAN 5% CONSIST OF HOPEFULLY THE\nLAST OF AMS ELECTIONS (PACE 2), LEONA GOES TAFFETA (PAGE\n3), HOPEFULLY THE LAST OF SCIWK, STUPID SUPERHERO TRICKS\n(PAGE 4), DIK MILLER - LIBRARY ENFORCER, FROSH FIZZ (PAGE 5),\nSHEEP!, MORE FROSH (PAGE 6), THE DRAWERS OF SUS (PAGE 7),\nTHE METROTOWN ACCORD (PAGE 8), THE MORRIS METHODS\n(PAGE 10), 4-COLOUR PEN AWARDS (PAGE 11), ROG TAKES A\nROUND FOR SCIENCE (PAGE 12).\n\"...I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE ME\nAS A POLITICIAN ON THIS CAMPUS...\"\nJASON SAUNDERSON\n\u00C2\u00A9 1993 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS.\n\"You idiot! The note said I wanted a mole of anions!!\"\nIll II\n68030 95820s The four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb \"93\n\"Of Councils and Couches:\nAn Inside Look at Life on the\nStudent Campaign Trail.\"\nI Ryan\nMCCUAIG\n. Well, it's the night before\npress-time, and I'm sitting in\nmy quad hammering away...\nAllow me to qualify that.\nI'm sitting in my $460 res\nchair, typing away on the 'puter\nresting on my $350 desk. My\nquadmates are sitting in our\nliving room, on two $966\n\"couches\", eating dinner on our\n$520 dining table and watching.\nStar Trek: Deep Throat Nine on\na TV that is worth less than the\nendtable on which it rests.\nYou see, today Housing\nsent us all our inventory lists,\ncomplete with replacement\nprices.\nSo, if Housing is any judge\nof the market value of the\nfurniture that may be in your\nquad or room, let me tell you,\nyou're literally sitting on a gold\nmine.\nFor instance, the paper-thin\n\"quilted\" bedspread that is\nsupplied with a room in res is\nworth $132 if you were to have\nto replace it. I guess you have\nto have one of these bedspreads\nto appreciate the toll inflation\nmust have taken since, say, last\nTuesday, when I leafed through\nan IKEA catalogue.\nAs for the couches \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nsorry, settees \u00E2\u0080\u0094 for a thousand\ndollars I think I'd prefer a\ncolour other than regurgitation\nrouge.\nWell, on to topics that\ncontain even less in the way of\ngeneral interest! Namely, AMS\nElections.\nAs you may not have\nnoticed, I was a candidate in\nthat between-the-shoulder-\nblades stiletto-planting-fest that\noccurred but last week. It helps\nnot having any political\naspirations whatsoever; I don't\nthink I would have enjoyed\nmyself anywhere near as much\nif I had actually wanted to be\nDirector of Administration,\nunlike my faithful-tea*e-\nassistant editor Rog.\nHere's an excerpt from the\npreface of my soon-to-be-\npublished book Of Councils\nand Couches: The Inside Story\nof Life on the Student\nCampaign Trail, co-written\nwith Richard Cleroux.\n12:45PM. January 19,1993.\nThe Cheeze Factory, UBC.\nIn the small and crowded room,\na hush came over the\nengineering'students present.\nOutside the building, they could\nhear someone humming \"The\nBattle Hymn of the Republic\".\nIt grew louder. All eyes were\nfastened on the front door.\nThe door was flung open and in\nmarched Erik \"The Fish\"\nJensen, Rob \"Woodchuck\"\nMcGowdn, and Ryan \"D-Day\"\nMcCuaig, all members of\nUBC s popular Radical Beer\nFaction. Jensen andMcGowan\nslammed the keg they were\ncarrying down on the table\namidst cheers from the\nengineers, and McCuaig, the\nhonourary if somewhat rusty\nkeg-tapper started the liquid\nflowing as Jensen hopped up\nonto the table.\nThe hush fell again, like a\nblanket, as everyone braced\nthemselves for one of Jensen's\nelectrifying campaign speeches.\nExcept for those of Greg\nWickens, whoconcerned\nhimself with the keg, all eyes\nwere on \"TheFish\".\nIt began much as the other\nspeeches he had made over the\nlast few years, with the\nceremonial chugging of a pint.\nBut as Jensen loosened up, his\nimpassioned but facile rhetoric\ninspired the crowd to new\nheights\u00E2\u0080\u0094 by no means a small\ntask, considering what\nindependent contender Janice\n\"Peaches\" Boyle was wearing\nthat day.\n(Needless to say, the Students\nFirst clowns didn't do their\nhomework, and consequently\nshowed up at the Cheeze with a\nmeasly two cases of warm beer.\nThey may as well have\npresented EUS President Scott\nGroves with a sponge cake with\na dead eel baked inside. Suffice\nit to say that they escaped a\nmass tanking by the skin of\ntheir teeth.)\nBut all was forgotten in light of\nthe general mood of goodwill\nand friendship that ensued after\nthe first eight rounds, and all\nhailed the exalted members of\nthe Radical Beer Faction, as\nthey proved beyond a shadow\nof a doubt that they were\nindeed the party of the people,\nnot to mention the people of the\nparty. It was, for Jensen and his\ncompatriots, the end of one era,\nand the beginning of another...\nI highly recommend this book\n($50 in all its Mylar-wrapped\nglory... there are 8 pages of\nphotos from the upcoming\nParamount motion picture\nstarring Brent Spiner, Anne\nArcher, and Glenn Close as\n\"Carole Forsythe\") to all of\nthose who take an interest in\neither studying party politics at\nthe student level, leamiijg to\nblackmail public officials with\nefficiency and ease, or getting\nall the sordid, sensationalized\ndirt on Jason Saunderson (to be\nportrayed by Bobcat\nGoldthwait) as they can get\ntheir grubby little mitts on.\nHjl t\i\\i^U \r\u -fA'ru.Uj- Lev**\nfo f>*ss.\na\u00C2\u00A5yo ua ~hero ?\nd o\nYOU WAMT TO VAAK\nYOUP. CAT WOMAN MEOW? NOW\nXOU CAN VJ \T-V\ TWE INCRET>\BUg'\nDO IT BATMAN STYLE!\n\u00C2\u00A9m3Dv.IWs.DtJt\nNtW SCIENCE JACKETS!!!\nA Photo from the Book: Doobius Caesar at the All-\nCandidates Forum. \"Et tu, Bruce?\"\nCompletely redesigned!\nMelton and Leather Jacket\nNavy Blue Melton Body\nNavy Blue & White Leather Split Sleeves\n$150 plus cresting, t\u00C2\u00ABaxes not included\n(jacket not exactly as shown)\nFinal deadline for orders.this year: February 17,1993\nOrder now at the UBC Science Undergraduate\nSociety office, Chemistry building, room 160. Vol 6 No 9 * 7 Feb '93 The Four Thirty-Two\nBubbling over\nwith glee...\nLeona\nADAMS\nWell, happy February everybody! And how will I be\nspending this festive month?\nWell, since you asked (oh,\nwho am I kidding? \u00E2\u0080\u0094 since I\nasked) I'm throwing myself\ninto it with a midterm today\nand formal labs due on\nWednesday and Thursday. The\nrest of the month is uphill from\nthere. I think the highlight of\nmy month will be getting stuff\nready for the wedding. I know\nwhat you're saying: \"Leona,\naren't you missing something\nsomewhat essential from this\nequation? I mean, I can't put\nmy finger on it right now, but\n... hold on a second, I think it's\ncoming to me. Yeah, I know\nwhat you're missing: a potential husband.\" What do you\ntake me for, some kind of\nputz? Marriage doesn't even\napproach my plans within the\nnext decade or so. My best\nfriend from high school, however, is ready to tie that old\nbungee cord around her ankles\nand take the plunge into connubial bliss. It's not like it was\na big surprise or anything.\nMost of our mutual friends\nwere laying bets as to how\nlong it would take. Now that I\nactually get to take part in the\nthing, I have been seeing an\nincreasingly clear picture of\nwhy I don't want to go through\nit for myself for quite a while\nyet. I mean, outside of the fact\nthat there isn't anyone I am\ninterested in marrying (who\nmakes under seven digits), and\nthat even if there were, my\nparents would lock me up and\nthrow away the key. Seriously.\nThey're looking for a new\nhouse, but they haven't found\none they like because none of\nthem have a second bedroom\nwhich locks from the outside.\nAnyway, back to my original\nthought There's too much\nwork to be put into getting\nmarried, and I honestly\ncouldn't be bothered unless\nthere was a salary involved. Or\nlove, I guess. Or friendship,\nwhich is why I've been roped\ninto this in the first place. I\nhave to care about someone a\ngreat deal to go shopping for\nclothes for him/her, especially\nfor formal dresses. There's just\ntoo much pink, frilly, flowery\nstuff out there, as I discovered,\nmuch to my lack of delight.\nThe bride-to-be and I had a\nnice little negotiation period\nabout it. We finally agreed that\nI wouldn't have to wear anything with flowers on it if I\npromised not to wear my high-\ntops. Of course, I was; bluffing.\nMy high-tops are reserved for\nball hockey. I would actually\nhave worn my open-toed runners. Don't laugh: they actually go with the dress. Hey,\nmaybe if I get that mud\ncleaned off...\nI think the best part of all\nwill be organizing the shower\n(otherwise known as a party\nfor old women who don't get\nout enough). Outside of the\nfact that I'm just bubbling over\nwith glee as I look forward to\nspending an evening of pre\ntending to enjoy the company\nof people I had never hoped to\nmeet, mere's the additional\npleasure of figuring out who to\ninvite. It would almost be too\nmuch fun to invite everyone\nfrom high school who isn't\ninvited to the wedding. I can\npicture the invitations now:\nYou are cordially\ninvited to attend the\nbridal shower of Terry\n(Teresa) Cummings and\nTerry (Terence) Jones.\nThe actual wedding\nshall come to pass at a\ndate to be named later,\nand you aren't invited!\nIn lieu of your presence\nwhich will undoubtedly\naccompany the presents,\nplease stay home and\njust wire us the money\ninstead.\nOkay, I never said it would\nbe a popular invitation, but I\nthink the world is more than\nready for a little truth in advertising. A little off-the-wall perhaps, but not so much as the:\nRain Man. I met the Rain Man\nlast week as I was walking\naround the Chem building cm\none of those irritating I-can t-\ndecide-if-this-is-rain-Qr-mis t-\nhey-wait-it-isn't raining-at-iill-\noh-here-it-comes^again sort of\ndays. At this point in the day,\nit actually wasn't raining at all,\nbut the Rain Man walked boldly on, clutching his open\numbrella for all he was worth.\nAs I walked past him, the\nblack leather-clad man turniixl\nto me and asked me, \"Is it ruining where you are?\"\nNow, with an opening like\nthat, I was waiting for the\nCandid Camera people to drop\nfrom the top of the Hebb building. I was tempted to respond,\n\"Well, that depends upon\nwhether you speak of my\nphysical or emotional being.\nPhysically, I'm stuck in\nVancouver waiting for the rain\nto start, but my inner being is\nfrolicking on a Caribbean\nisland, as a gentle mist tickles\nmy face.\" That is, I was tempted until I realized that he might\nactually take me seriously. .Ah,\nthe world's a great big weird\nmess, and I'm proud to be a\nTime for Real Science...\nFebruary Seminars & Colloquia\nMicrobiology Seminar Series\nMaterials\nand the Control\nWednesdays 12:30 - 1:30 PM,\nAnalysis.\"\nof Breathing\nWESB201\nFeb 11\nAllan\nPattern.\"\nEXCEPT Feb 3 (4 PM, IRC 5).\nHildebrand,\nFeb 3\nRoger Lippe,\nCanadian\nGeological\nBotany Seminar Series\nBiotechnology\nSurvey.\nTuesdays,\n12:30 pm, in Biol\nLaboratory,\n\"The Comet\n2000\nUBC.\nImpact that\n\"Understanding\nthe cellular\nKilled the\nDinosaurs.\"\nFeb 2\nDr. Beverly\nGreen, Botany\nimmune\nrAcrwncpTM \"\nFeb 25\nRamesh\nDepartment,\nIC&pUIloC\nNaryan, Harvard\nUBC,\nFeb 10\nDr Frank\nUniversity.\n\"Evolution of\nMcCormick,\n\"The Physics of\nChlorophyll\nOnyx\nGravitational\nBinding Proteins\nPharmaceuticals,\nLenses.\"\nRewriting the\nRichmond, CA.\nTextbook.\"\n\"Regulators and\neffectors of Ras\np^1 proteins.\"\nBiochemistry and Molecular\nBiology\nDiscussion\nFeb 9\nMr. L.A. Jozsa,\nWood Resource\nScientist,\nFeb 1-7\nDr Wei-Guo\nGroup\nForintek Canada\nJia, Dept of\nCorp.,\nMicrobiology,\n\"What can\nUBC.\nFebl\nBrian Cullen,\nDendrochronolo\n'Therapeutic\nRegulation of\ngy do for you?\"\nuses of Herpes\nHfV-1 Gene\nSimplex-1 virus\nin treatment of\nFeb 8\nExpression\nTom Alber,\nOceanography Seminar Series\nbrain tumours.\"\nLeucine Zippers\nTuesdays,\n3:30 in Biol 1465\nFeb 24\nDr Ruedi\nand other Coiled-\nAbersold,\nCoils\nFeb 2\nSusan Strom,\nBiomedical\nFeb 15\nP. Siddarth,\nShannon Point\nResearch Centre,\nTBA\nLaboratory,\nUBC.\n\"New\nmicroanalytical\nFeb il\nGreg Farber,\n\"The role of\nThe Structure\nMechanism and\nmicro-\nzooplankton in\napproaches to\nEvolution of\nthe planktonic\nprotein\nidentification and\nSugar Isomerases\nfood web of the\nsubarctic\nstructural\nPacific.\"\ncharacterization.\n\u00C2\u00BB\u00C2\u00BB\nPhysiology Seminar Series\nWeds, IRC #4, at 3 pm.\nFeb 9\nDoug\nWhelpdale,\nAtmospheric\nPhysics Colloquia Series\nThursdays 4:00 PM, HENN\n901\nFeb 3\nDr. William\nMilsom, UBC\nEnvironment\nService,\n\"The large-scale\nDept. of\ntransport and\nFeb 4\nMartin Zinke-\nZoology,\n\"Sleep,\nHypothermia,\nans Hibernation:\nMetabolic Rate\ndepostion of\nAllmang,\nUniversity of\nWestern Ontario.\npollutants in the\nNorth Atlantic\nAtmosphere.\"\n\"The Frontier of\nU.B.C.\nCOMPUTER SCIENCE\nJACKETS!!!\n-Melton and Leather Jacket\n-Black Melton Body\n-Black Leather Raglan Sleeves\n-Embroidered 2\" red letters \"COMPUTER SCIENCE UBC\" on back (optional)\n-Embroidered red CS3 logo on left chest with \"COMPUTER SCIENCE\" on top (optional)\nFinal deadline for orders this year: February 17,1993\n^^fy\n$150 plus crestin;\nS. This is the design for the embroidered left chesl logo\nEmbroidered red left chest logo add $10\nEmbroidered red \"COMPUTER SCIENCE UBC on back add $18\nChenille Name Bars $5 each\nPlace your order at the Science Undergraduate Society office in\nthe Chemistry building, room B160. Feel free to send e-mail\nto Michael Chow (n7al92@rick.cs.ubc.ca) if you have any questions.\nRyan McCuaig\nEditor, II Grando Fromaggio\nRoger Watts\nAssistant Editor, I] Polio Pericoloso\nX\nEDITORIAL\nContributing Writers Janice Boyle, Michael Chow,\nAaron Drake, Markus Hoenig, Jason Holmes, Zain\nKhandwala, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Jamie\nMorris, Sarah Thornton, and with me as always is\nRog. Party on, Rog.\nART and DESIGN\nLayout Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts\nContributing Artists Ryan McCuaig, Melanie\nStapleton, Roger Watts\nPRODUCTION\nPrinter College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver\nDistributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, ltd.\n11 lanuary 1*43, Vol 6, No 7\nThe 431 is published biweekly by the Scenes Undergraduate Society of\nU8C, somewhere close lo Main Mall and Unrversity Blvd. We generally\nmake cute hats out of our mail, especialry the politically correct stuff, so\ndon't bother sendmg any. The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb '93\nLater than a speeding bullet...\nAngry\nDUCK\nComics in my day were\nmuch better than today's\ncomics. Back then, almost all\nof the Comic-Book Heroes\nwere very improbable, and\nalmost completely devoid of\nany social value. That was\ngreat.\nNot only are the new\nComic-Book heroes in tune\nwith the environment, sexual\ndiscrimination, and the depleting ozone layer, they have\nbecome quite nauseating in\nevery other respect.\nThey have become Almost\nPlausible Heroes.\nThere is a great difference\nbetween Almost Plausible, and\nCompletely Implausible. The\nlatter is fun. You just have to\naccept the ridiculous premise\nthat Superman can fly, can\nbounce bullets off his chest,\nnever ages, can bend steel, can\nmove small planets, and can\nsee through buildings just the\ndesired distance to where the\ncrooks are stealing the jewels,\nis for all intents and purposes\ninvincible, except when someone puts a green rock down his\npants.\nWith Almost Plausible\nHeroes, the writers want you to\naccept the hero as a normal\nJoe, with a few minor differences. They make a hero that\nis possible in this world. But\nthey give him a superpower\nthat is naggingly inconsistent.\nTake, for example, The\nQuestion, which is a delightful\ncomic series about a man who\nfights crime.\nHis secret weapon is that he\ndoesn't have a face.\nHow that gives him the ability to be a Super Hero, I'll\nnever understand, but the writ\ners want us to believe that,\nother than the absence of features, he is a normal guy. But\nhe never dies! In all his adventures six or seven villains are\ntrying to kill him at once, yet\nhe always manages to get out\nalive, even though he has no\nspecial powers* A superhero\nwith magic powers that never\ndies is okay, but someone that\nnever dies for no reason other\nthan it would be a short comic\nseries if he did... well, that's\nAlmost Plausible, but completely unacceptable.\nThe Worst Comic Book\nGenius Award: If Dilton\nDoiley is so smart, why is he\nstill in high school?\nThe Worst Mathematics of\na Series: There are only eight\ncharacters in the BC comic\nstrip, and so I assume there are\nonly eight members of their\ntribe. Yet they always play\nbaseball. Where is this ninth\nperson coming from? Why is\nthis person kept secret from\nus?\nWorst Comic-to-Screen\nAdaptation: While many will\nargue that it is the Batman\nseries, I must contend that the\nwinner, by a hair, is the cartoon series of Spiderman.\nApparently, the Saturday-\nmorning cartoon was planned,\ncreated and drawn on Baffin\nIsland by Inuits who desired as\nlittle contact as possible with\nthe outside world. Exhibit A is\nthe curious way that Spider-\nMan gets around. He doesn't\ndrive, or take a taxi. Instead,\nhe swings through the air, like\nTarzan, only Spidey makes his\nown vines by squirting his web\nout of his his web-making\nwrist gadget. This web also has\nthe uncanny talent of attaching\nitself to anything in the vicinity, and, if there is nothing in\nthe vicinity, to attach itself to\nair molecules. I have seen\nSpidey scooting from web-\nvine to web-vine in the middle\nof the desert, where the highest object was a scorpion\nmounting its mate; How this is\ndone, I don't know (the web,\nnot the scorpions).\nMost Ridiculous Gimmick:\nWonder Woman's Invisible\nStealth Plane. How does she\nfind it at the airport? How do\nother planes know not to park\nin her parking space? Most\nimportantly, while her plane is\ninvisible, she isn't. An invisible plane is self-defeating if\nthe bad guys can see her zooming around at 40 000 feet.\nWhile we're on the subject,\nhow does she read her instruments if they're invisible?\nBiggest Hole In The Plot:\nWhy every single villain\ndoesn't simply wear\nKryptonite around his neck; I\ndon't know. It seems the obvious thing to do.\nMost Useless Superhero:\nWithout a doubt, it must be\nAquaman, who has the uncanny ability to control fish. I'm\nsorry but I am not intimidated\nby someone who threatens to\nsummon a trout.\nThe Ail-Time \"Huh?\"\nAward: goes to the guy in the\nFantastic Four that can stretch\nhis body. My reaction to this,\nas you may guess is: \"Huh?\"\nMy second reaction is \"so\nwhat?\" This guy would have\ntaken the Most Useless\nSuperhero award if it wasn't\nfor the fact that Aquaman's\nHalibut-Liasing abilities were\nlimited to seawater. At least\nMr Fantastic from the\nFantastic Four can stretch his\nneck out of water. It still\nleaves me wondering how\nelongating a part of his body\nmakes him such a fantastic\nsuperhero.\nA lot of you out there probably have a very good comeback to that last one. You can\nprobably explain it to me. But\nI don't want to hear it. I don't\ncare about it. You are all nerds.\n2ml Animal KIT\nIMzz:i & Pop Mixer\n12:00 to 2:00 in IRC Mall\nFriday, Feb 12th\nPizza Pop\nMembers $0.50 $0.25\nNon Members $ 1.00 $0.50\nOne free pop for all members.\nALMA MATER SOCIETY\nTHE GRAD CLASS COUNCIL\nis now accepting Proposals for the\n1993\nGRAD CLASS GIFTS\nProposals must:\n1) Be as specific as possible\n2) Include the following information:\nname of group requesting funds\nnumber of people working on project\nname of a contact person (include telephone #)\nwho will benefit from the project\ndescription of the project in detail\na summarizing paragraph including the most salient\npoints\nthe amount of money requested\nsources of other funds if applicable.\nThere is a limit of one proposal per particular group of\ngraduating students.\nThere is a upper limit of $3,000 for each proposal. -\nPast projects/gifts included anything from a student garden to\na talking book fund for Crane Library - be creative.\nEach group must be prepared to give a short presentation of\ntheir idea to the members of Grad Class at the end of\nFebruary.\nThe deadline for proposals js 4:00 p.m. Wednesday, February\n17th, 1993 and is final. No proposal will be accepted after\nthis date.\nProposals will be received at SUB Room 238.\nPlease contact Thrasso Petras, c/o SUB 238,\n822-3971 If you have any questions.\nScience Semaine A Smashing Success\nStory at Six, says Sarah.\nSarah Thornton\nEx-SciWk Supervisorette,\nSuddenly Secretary, and\nSweaty Sexy Sweetie\noftheSUSSoco\nI promise \u00E2\u0080\u0094 this is the last\nScience Week article you will\nhave to avoid reading. BUT \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nI'd just like to thank all of you\nwho came out and made the\nweek such a success! As I'm\nsure Carmen will say, everyone\ndid a great job in organizing\nand publicizing events. Beyond\nthe BSc. on Monday was presented to a packed auditorium,\nand the information presented\nwas very useful (the coffee and\ncookies went down well too!)\nThe movie and the play, while\nnot shown to a full house, were\nalso great. Tough luck to all of\nyou who missed them \u00E2\u0080\u0094 I\nknow I loved the play, and\nmost enjoyed the movie. (I'm\nsorry, but the gratuitous sex\nand violence in The Terminator\nis just too much for my tender,\nsensitive nature. Those who\nknow me will guffaw at that\nstatement, but it's true \u00E2\u0080\u0094 while\nI may enjoy perpetrating violence, I really dislike watching\nit.) Club displays were all really good, and it's taken hours of\nsoul searching to determine a\nwinner. It's a secret though.\nThe CompSci team won the\ntrike race again, and there were\nmany great door prize winners\nat the events. (Inside joke time\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 MH and MH \u00E2\u0080\u0094 you know\nwho you are, and you know,\nwith THAT many door prize\ntickets, you should have won\nall the prizes \u00E2\u0080\u0094 tough luck!)\nAnd the Open House \u00E2\u0080\u0094 many\nof you managed to find SUS\nlast week to scarf down free\npizza, but I'm sure you'll probably lose your way again when\nthere ain't no pizza! Just a\nreminder, we often have poster\npainting parties, where, if you\nsplash some paint onto a piece\nof paper, we give you free\npizza and bzzr!\nAknowledgements: Special\nthanks needs to go to certain\npeoples, without whom\nScience Week would not have\nhappened \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nCarmen McKnight: presi-\ndente extraordinare, and definitely the most organized yet\nspinny blonde I know.\nChris Woods: the Trike\nRace, the club displays (chief\norganizer), the play; ad museum... (just kidding \u00E2\u0080\u0094 he's\nwonderful!!!)\nRoger Watts: the ExVP, and\nman-who was occasionally\naround when I wanted or needed him.\nMorie! Chen and Laurie Yee:\nattention all potential executives \u00E2\u0080\u0094 don't let these two get\naway! A superior duo, they get\nthe job done right!\nEtc.\nThanks.\nie (iovernme\ncuislated the value (it K to\n\\ as ap|\nleers who\ndidn t want little tuts o\nconstruction material\ned the idea.\nalso had the\nsquare. Personal I v. we\nneheve it to he\namental difficulty Vol 6 No 9 * lteb'93 The Four Thirty-Two\nFirst-Year Fizz\nHamycam\nPhyssoc Hack\nBeing in first-year university\nseems a lot like being in prison,\nin that it feels like you're serving\na four-to-six year sentence,\ndoing hard labour (problem sets).\nHowever, in prison the grub is\nprobably better than three-day-\nold pizza in the fridge, and in\nprison one gets to sleep.\nOn the subject of sleep, I\nhaven't had any in the past two\ndays; I've been too upset. You\nsee, I have been put through the\nworst academic wringer any student could imagine: PHYS 110.1\njust discovered that my\nChristmas exam mark was a.\nresounding 'F'. In disbelief, I\nmarched over to Hennings to\nhave & friendly chat with my\nprof.\n\"I'm sorry, the name doesn't\nring... oh, you,\" he said, unen-\nthused. \"You answered that EMF\nis a rock group on question five,\nright?\"\n\"It isn't?\" I asked. \"Anyhow, I\ncame by to look over my exam.\nIt appears that a terrible error has\nbeen made in the grading.\"\n\"Right. Student number?\"\n\"13131313.\"\nHe shuffled through the\nmountain of papers on his desk,\npulled out the last one, and\nglanced at it momentarily.\n\"Nope. Looks like the right mark\nto me.\" He handed it oyer.\nI glanced at the mistakes.\nQ. If BC Hydro charges\n$0.95/kWh, and you left your frying pan on for 2.0 months, how\nmuch money would you waste?\nA. 4.00 M$ for burning down\nthe apartment, and 2.50 M$ in\nlawsuits.\nHmm. Must've lost marks on\nsignificant figures.\nQ. A 60kg man climbs up a\n5.0m ladder inclined against the\nwall of a house at 65\u00C2\u00B0. He completes his climb to your window\nin 13s.\na) What work does he do?\nA. He's probably a thief.\nb) What is his power?\nA. Being able to pick locks\nand rob you blind.\nWonder what was wrong with\nthat one?\n\"Why is there another 10%\ndocked right here at Ihe end?\" I\nasked.\nThe prof popped a few\nTylenol and replied \"Oh, flat's\nthe standard penalty for giving\nlab instructors a bad time.\"\n\"What?!\"\n\"It's now a tenth of a percent\noff per volt of potential difference appliedto any member of\nthe faculty. Accident or no. Now,\nI want you to have a long cliat\nabout your psycholo-- ah, physics\ndifficulties with my slav- all,\nTAs down in HEBB, okay?\"\n\"But\u00E2\u0080\u0094\" Before I could ffinish,\nhe rudely shoved me out of his\noffice and closed the door.\nWell, I'm only in fust year\nand don't seem to know very\nmuch by Department standards,\nbut the one thing I do know is\nthat there's no way I'm majoring\nin Physics. I'll change my field\nto Gastronomy.\nDik Miller, Library Enforcer\nDerek K.\nMILLER\nIt was the usual, dreary\nwinter kind of day as I sat at\nmy desk in the Main Library.\nThis switch from Engineering\nPolitical Correctness Enforcer\nto Library Moni\u00E2\u0080\u0094 I mean\nLibrary Enforcer had been difficult overall, but there were a\nfew nice things.\nMy old office had been in\nthe basement of the Civil and\nMechanical Engineering building, and had a lovely view of\nabsolutely nothing at all. My\nnew one had a nice, big window with a beautiful view of\nthe usual, dreary wintex day it\nwas outside.\nThere was a knock at my\ndoor.\nI pulled my feet off the\ntop of my desk. \"Come in.\"\nThe Head Librarian\nwalked in with someone I .\nhadn't met before in tow.\n\"Hi there, Miller. Good to\nsee you're all settled in,\" the\nLibrarian said.\n\"Yeah,\" I replied. \"I was\njust thinking about how nice\nthis view is compared to the\none in my old office.\"\n\"Oh, I see,\" she said.\nSomewhat nervously, I\nthought.\n\"What do you mean by\n\"mm\nSUS IS NOO\nHUtMC foe :\nfselection\nPOLL CLERKS\njU\u00C2\u00AB/Wv|S.TTl,Q6 AT ATWBL\u00C2\u00A3\nS!U>YIM6.<' APR*KtoL)-CH0i 140\nthat?\"\n\"Uh, Dik Miller, I'd like\nyou to meet Sven\nSv0rdbergsson, one of my new\nassistant librarians.\"\n\"Hi,\" he said, extending\nhis hand.\nI shook it. \"Is that\nSv0rdbergsson with one of\nthose slashy O things in it?\"\n\"Yes, it is,\" he answered.\n\"I've always liked those\nslashy O's. Much better than\nO's with umlauts on them, you\nknow, like SvOrdbergsson.\"\n\"Certainly,\" he said.\n\"Anyway, Miller,\" the\nHead Librarian interrupted,\n\"Sven will be taking over this\noffice.\"\nI stared blankly.\n\"I said, Sven will be taking over this office.\"\nSven looked sheepish.\nI cleared my throat. \"As of\nwhen?\"\n\"This afternoon.\" Sven\ngrinned uncomfortably.\nA few hours later, I had\nfinished packing all of my\noffice belongings, including\nmy baby blue LIBRARY\nMONITOR apron, into cardboard boxes and had moved\nthem down to my new office,\nburied in the deepest, hottest,\nstuffiest, most cramped, dustiest, grittiest, most poorly lit\nbowels of the Library.\nI returned to my \u00E2\u0080\u0094 I mean\nSven's \u00E2\u0080\u0094 office to grab my\nlast few things. I found him\nthere.\n\"So, Sven,\" I said, \"how\ndo you like your office?\"\n\"It's not quite as nice as\nmy old one in Reykjavik,\" he\nproclaimed. \"There, I had a\nview of the smoking volcanic\nvents of my homeland. Here,\"\nhe glanced out the window, \"I\ncan see only the rain. But it\nwill do.\"\n\"Good, good,\" I lied. I\npicked up my fedora and my\nDik Miller\u00E2\u0084\u00A2 barcode\nreader/peach pitter/fountain\npen nib sharpener, which had\nbeen sitting on the desk. I\nturned to leave.\n\"Oh, and one more thing,\"\nI said.\n\"Yes?\"\n\"I lied about the O's. I\nprefer umlauts to slashy. ones.\"\nSven cocked an eyebrow.\n\"How unfortunate.\"\nI closed the door. Bloody\nIcelanders, coming in and taking jobs from us good\nCanadians. Just like that\nIcelandic former traffic cop\nwho had taken my position as\nCampus Cowboy.\nAnd the Icelandic pipefitter who had replaced me at\nPhysical Plant, the Icelandic\nchef who had taken my position in Food Services, and the\nnew Icelandic Arts Faculty\nAdvisor.\nCome to think of it, all of\nmy former jobs had been taken\nby people from Iceland.\nExcept for Engineering\nPolitical Correctness Enforcer,\nof course. Jean-Claude van\nDamme was from Belgium.\nBut he had probably been to\nIceland.\nThere are only 300,000\npeople in Iceland. How so\nmany of them had come to\ntake my place in jobs I had\nbeen fired from, I didn't know.\nI chose not to think about\nit for awhile, and decided to go\noutside for a walk.\nI was just moving outside\nwhen a frizzy-haired woman\npointed at me from amongst a\nhuge mob of Engineers.\n\"There! There! That's\nhim!\" she yelled. I recognized\nher as one of those pesky \"\nreporters for The Campus\nTimes.\n\"Wha\u00E2\u0080\u0094?\" I had time to\nask.\nAbout a minute later, I\nhad been stripped to my Dik\nMiller\u00E2\u0084\u00A2 skivvies and hoisted\ninto the air by a huge mob of\nEngineers.\n\"What are the charges?\"\none of them yelled.\n\"Deserting the noble\nEngineering faculty!\"\n\"Guilty!\"\n\"Defecting to the\nLibrary!\"\n\"Guilty!\"\n\"Having too many Dik\nMiller\u00E2\u0084\u00A2 gadgets!\"\n\"Guilty!\"\nWith that, they tossed me\ninto the pool in front of the\nLibrary. This was especially\ninconvenient because it didn't\nhave any water in it.\nAs I gathered up my\nclothes, I discovered that the\nEngineers had been most\nincensed when I had been \u00E2\u0080\u00A2\ntransferred to the Library\nbecause Jean-Claude van\nDamme, the new Engineering\nPolitical Correctness Enforcer,\nwas one tough dude, and\ndidn't let them get away with\nmuch.\nThis, I would guess, qualified, as \"one of those days.\"\nSo it was another one of\nthose days for Dik Miller,\nLibrary Enforcer. The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb'93\nSheep Lose Mammal Status\nMark\nHOENIG\nA week or so ago, your\nnew SUS Secretary told me\nabout an article she had\nclipped from a North Shore\npaper for The 432 headlined\n\"Local Sheep Activists\nProtest Lack of Mammal\nStatus For Sheep\". She found\nit funny that people actually\nconcerned themselves over\nthis. I, on the other hand, right\naway sympathised with the\nLocal Sheep Activists. \"Sheep\naren't mammals? Why aren't\nsheep mammals? Sheep must\nbe mammals.\"\nI was wrong. Sheep had\nlost their position as mammals, and were now classified\nas \"miscellaneous land animals\".\nI had no idea mammalhood\ncould be revoked. I have been\namammalmyself now for\ntwenty-four years and have\nnever had any intention of\nbearing live young or lactat-\ning or anything of the sort,\nalways confident that the\nauthorities would ignore this.\nNow it seems I may have\nbeen far too blase. What\ncould sheep have done that\nwas so awful to cause their\nmembership in Order\nMammalia to be suspended?\nHaving to regard sheep as\nmere \"miscellaneous land animals\" would force me to\nreadjust my entire world view,\nand at a time when I'm still\nrecovering from the forced\nassimilation of quantum\nmechanics a few years ago.\nIf, at a tender age, I was\nwatching an episode of \"One\nof These Things Is Not Like\nThe Others\" on Sesame\nStreet, starring a sheep, a\ngoat, a cow, and a humpbacked whale, the humpbacked whale would have\nbeen my choice, no questions\nasked. Similarly, if the fourth\ncontestant had been a fruit\nbat, Siberian tiger or duckbilled platypus, it would have\nhad my vote. If Bob or Maria\nhad agreed with me, apparently, it would only be because\nBob and Maria aren't biologists. My friend Ed thinks he\nhas the answer. \"Wool\" he\nsays. \"Cows, whales, platypi\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 they all have hair. Sheep\nhave wool.\" Wool, Ed asserts,\ndespite my protestations, is\nfundamentally different from\nfur.\nThis may have something\nto do with the fact that Ed is\nfrom Abbotsford, but I don't\nsee why it would.\nI remain unconvinced. I\ncan't see how biologists\nthought they could get away\nwith declassifying sheep in\nthe first place. If physicists all\nof a sudden announced that\npi-mesons were not, in fact,\nbosons, most of us would not\nbe inclined to argue. (I might\nbe inclined to argue, but, as\nyou may have noticed, I'm\npretty much inclined to argue\nanyway). Biologists have to\nbe a little more careful. Sheep\nare something most of us are\nreasonably familiar with, so\nwe'd notice if biologists tried\nto pull any funny business\nwith them, and then we might\ncatch on to other of their more\nobvious blunders.\nTake the distribution of\nPhyla, for instance.\nMammals, fish, birds, reptiles, amphibians and what-\ndo-you-call-those-mud-\ndwelling semi-vertebrate-\nthings-they-couldn't-figure-\nwhere-else-to-put all have to\nsquash into Phylum\nVertebrata, along with, presumably, sheep, while worms\nget three whole phyla of their\nown. Fair? Hardly. And\nKingdoms. Why do algae get\ntwo kingdoms of their own,\nwhen plants and animals have\nto contend with one apiece?\nObviously, to biologists the\ndifferences between brown\npond-scum and blue-green\npond scum are as profound\nand significant as the difference between Dan Quayle and\nsay, a cucumber. Okay, bad\nexample, but you get my.\npoint.\nI want to make it perfectly\nclear that I am not in any way\ntrying to defend sheep. I spent\na good deal of time walking\nand hitching, and thus, walking through rural Ireland,\nScotland, and Norway this\nyear, and you can not do this\nand retain a high opinion of\nthe intellectual capabilities of\nsheep. Sheep are stupid.\nWhen I first heard about this\nmammal thing, I thought\nmaybe sheep had been\nexposed as some sort of\nwhite, fluffy, self-propelled\ncannibalistic plant. Maybe\nthey were caught photosyn-\nthesizing. If you observe\nsheep carefully they appear to\nbe plugged into the ground\n(ed. or occasionally other\nsheep. Note that's ed., not\nEd.) like gas nozzles. Not that\ngas nozzles are plugged into\nthe ground, of course. Sheep\nare so stupid that maybe biologists should leave them to be\nclassified by geologists.\nSheep habitually spend as\nmuch time a day eating as an\nabnormally lazy cat would\ndevote to sleeping. If sheep\nhad only one opening, they\nwould explode; unfortunately,\nSorrj, but I Vn /\nafraid -VrxtA euc\nCoa4 be a.\nmember*.\nthey have two, the upshot\nbeing that they manage to fertilize the entire countryside. If\nsheep could photosynthesize,\nthey would save everyone a\nlot of time and bother. In\nsheep territory, you will find\nsheep droppings everywhere\nyou look, and more importantly, everywhere you sit.\nI've found sheep droppings\non the top of a seven meter\ncrags of barren rock on which\nonly a sheep could imagine\ngrass could grow.\nMy ill feelings towards\nsheep were forever set after\nan encounter with that animal\neven more dangerous than\nsheep: an obnoxious sheep. I\nwas in the middle of a two-\nday solo hike through the\nmountains of Norway, reflecting that only a total ass would\nmake a two-day solo hike\nthrough the mountains of\nNorway. Trudging along, I\nwas faced with the realization\nthat if I did not find civiliza-.\ntion within a few days I\nwould be forced to consume\nthe jar of salted pickled herring I had rashly picked up in\nBergen. Suddenly, an exited\nbleating invaded my thoughts\nand I realized my presence\nwas frightening a bunch of\nsheep. A self-important ram\nstarted warning all the other\nsheep in the neighbourhood,\nwho began eyeing me nervously. Always solicitous,\neven towards sheep, I gave\nthem a wide berth. After I had\npassed* this macho ram started cursing and threatening\nme, obviously under the\nimpression that he was a\nPomerian. After cowering\nwhen I came near, he was\nnow challenging me to come\nback and fight like a man. I\nhurled a few moody rocks in\nhis direction and carried on,\nwhile the ram continued\nyelling after me how he'd\nbeat me up again if he ever\ncaught me. I'm the only person I know who takes lip\nfrom sheep.\nBefore leaving the country\nI did find one nice thing to\nsay about sheep: they are very\nefficient machines for converting grass-into sweaters.\nBaby Talk: The Frosh Report\nJason Holmes\nFirst-Year Rep\nMost of you first years out\nthere probably don't know\nwho I am or why I'm writing\nthis article. I'm one of the two\nfirst-year reps that you voted\nfor earlier this year, and I'm \u00E2\u0080\u00A2\nwriting about the brand,\nspankin' new First Year\nStudents Committee for the\nScience Undergraduate\nSociety. Since I am one of\nyour first-year reps (Terence\n\"Fireball\" Fan being the\nother), I have to sit on this\ncommittee, as do six other\nfirst-year students who are registered in the Faculty of\nScience.\nThe purpose of this committee is to develop events specifically geared towards first-year\nstudents, most of whom are\nunderage. As you have proba\nbly noticed, most of the events\nput on by the Science\nUndergraduate Society involve\nalcohol in some way, therefore\nminors aren't allowed to go to\nSUS dances until their second\nyear (unless, of course, you're\nlike me and have to wait until\nthe very end of third year!).\nSUS wants to provide activities for all age groups in the\nFaculty of Science and this\ncommittee is our solution.\nWe want to make your frosh\nyear as enjoyable as possible,\nso come on out with all of your\n(non-alcoholic) ideas. Meeting\ntimes still have to be set, but\nso far, we have an operating\nbudget and a large list of duties\nand responsibilities.\nSo, if you're a first-year\nkeener who wants to get\ninvolved in SUS, come down\nto our office (Chem. 160) and\nfill out an application form.\ndon't panic;\nMAS WORD PROCESS^H\nwill do it for youl\n0\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 on campus\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 lowest professional rate in the lower mainland\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements\n. Room 60, Student Union Building \u00E2\u0080\u00A2822-5640\nMon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm Vol6No9 * I Feb'93 The Four Thirty-Two\nthe drawers of siis\nSales Slips\nMichael Chow\nI would like to thank all the\npeople who helped at the\nSales booth during Science\nWeek. It was a pleasure to\nparticipate in such a highly\nsuccessful event. For those of\nyou who may have missed us,\nwe sell UBC Science merchandise throughout the year\nin our office at CHEM 160.\nWhat's the latest new Science\nitem, you ask? Science baseball shirts, jammer shorts, and\n'slamma-jam' shorts! Keep\nan eye out for even more new\nScience wear. The position of\nSales Manager is still open for\nthe next academic year. Now\nis the perfect time to learn the\nposition from our current\nSales Manager, Michael\nChow, who has had the privilege of working with two previous Sales Managers, Dean\nLeung and Tim Lam, as well\nas receiving assistance from\nex-Sales Manager David Way.\nPlease feel free to drop by our\noffice to inquire about this\nposition.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2BRANDNEW: Science*\nbaseball shirts with an\nembroidered left-chest\ndesign and screenprinted\nback design! Available in ,\nthree styles. We have an\nash-grey 50/50\nPoly/Cotton 12-oz fleece\nfor $24.00. There's also\nan antique-oatmeal/royal\n100%-cotton 8-oz jersey\nfor $26.50, We also have\nan antique-oatmeal/black\npin-stripe 100%-cotton 8-\noz jersey for $27.00.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2BRAND NEW: Grey jam\nshorts with drawstring for\nonly $17.00. 50/50\nPoly/Cotton 14-oz fleece\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 BRAND NEW: 'Slarnma- '\nJam' shorts, ash with\nblack trim for only\n$14.00. Preshrunk 100%\ncotton, pockets and 4-\nneedle elastic waistband.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 BELOW COST: 100%-cot\nton embroidered sweaters\nonly $15! Available in\nnavy, royal or white. We\nhave crew-necks and V-\nnecks. Hurry, they're\nselling fast!\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Have you seen the coolest\nlooking jackets on campus? Science jackets:\nNavy blue melton, with\nnavy and white leather\nsplit-sleeves, all for only\n$150 (plus cresting). Last\nchance to order one this\nschool year, deadline:\nFebruary 17,1993.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Last chance to order a navy\nScience cardigan for this\nschool year. Only $35\n(plus cresting), deadline:\nFebruary 17,1993.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Computer Science leather-\nmelton jackets! You\ndon't even need to be\nmajoring in Computer\nScience, but if you want a\nblack leather-melton jacket for only $150 (plus\ncresting), place your\norder before February 17,\n1993. You can also contact Michael Chow, ihe\nSales Manager, using e-\nmailat\n\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Is your team or club looking\nfor clothing or uniforms?\nWe deal directly with the\nmanufacturers and wholesalers to get you the best'\nprices around. Most\norders require one week.\nCompare our prices: 1\ndozen, 100% cotton Fruit\nof die Loom standard-\nweight T-shirts, with a\nfull-front 2-colour logo,\nand 2-digit 8-inch numbers, all for only $13.50\neach (all taxes included!)\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 We sell the new\nEntertainment '93\nCoupon Books. The\nbooks are packed with\nhalf-price coupons for\nrestaurants, theatres,\nsports, attractions, and\nmuch more. The\nEntertainment book also\noffers 50% off on many\nhotels throughout the\nworld. A great way to\nsample Vancouver's\nattractions on a student's\nbudget. All this for only\n$42.80 (taxes included).\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 We also sell the new Gold C\nSavings Spree coupon\nbooks: $12. Use the\ncoupons to save on merchandise, recreation,\nmovie rentals, and fast\nfood.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Our Annual Paper Sale is\nstill on! We sell 200\nsheets of looseleaf for\nonly $0.75. That's half\nthe price you'll pay at the\nBookstore, plus all proceeds will be donated to\ncharity.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Congratulations to last\nweek's winners of the\nSales contest: Parimal\nRana, 1st place; David\nChow, 2nd place; Randy\nRomero, 3rd place. For\nthose of you who were\nunable to answer the\nquestion, UBC's Dean of\nScience is Dean Barry\nMcBride.\nFeel free to drop by and check\nout our UBC Science clothing\ndisplay. We are in the\nChemistry building, room\n160.\nCircvs Scientificvs\nZain Khandwala\nFirst and foremost, allow\nme to gloat briefly: last night\nthe complete Intramural sports\npoints tally for the first term\nwas made available, and I'm\nproud to say that SUS finished\nin first place overall (in typical fashion), this time with the\nlargest leading margin ever in\nIntramural Sports history!\nSpecifically, on the men's side\nof things SUS accumulated\n6423 points to the 4573 of the\nEUS, and the SUS women\nearned 3737 points to Gage\nTower's 3305. This exceptional performance seems to be\nlargely due to the strong performance of all-Science\nleague teams. Early indications are that we should be\nable to expect bigger and better things during the course of\nthis second term.\nConsequently, it's finally\ntime to begin recognizing\nsome of the individuals and\nteams who helped SUS\nachieve this exceptional feat.\nAs always, individuals who\nrepresent SUS in Intramural '\nSports competition receive\nindividual sports points for\ntheir efforts. At the end of the\nyear, these points are tallied,\nand certain individuals are\nrecognized at the year-end\nSUS Sports dinner banquet, to\nbe held sometime at the end of\nMarch \u00E2\u0080\u0094 exact date and location TBA.\nIn order to register yourself\nfor this competetion, you must\ncomplete a Sports Points Tally\nForm, which will be made\navailable at the SUS office or\nthrough your respective\ndepartmental sports rep sometime at the end of the next\nweek; On this form you must\nindicate the specific events in\nwhich you competed, and how\nwell you placed within each\nevent. If you do not remember\nyour final placement for a certain event, results for all\nevents are available at the\nIntramural Sports information\ndesk.\nThese forms must be completed and turned in to the\nSUS office by March 15 so\nthat they can be verified and\ntabulated, and so that awards\ncan be made up for the banque\nMcKnighties\nCarmen McKnight\nScience Week 93 was a\ngreat success this year. Thank\nyou to everyone who helped\nout. I hope everyone had an\nexcellent time. If you have\nideas about how you'd like to\nsee Science Week done in the\nfuture then drop us a note so\nwe can include your suggestions in the recommendations.\nWe had one of the best\nScience Week dances ever.\nAbout 300 people came out\nand the police even wanted to\nget in on it. Even though\nScience Week is over, we still\nhave lots of work going on.\nExecutive Elections are rapidly approaching; in fact, we are\naccepting nominations starting\ntoday. If you are interested in\nrunning for an Executive position, please talk to the\nExecutive whom you'd like to\nsucceed. Note the constitutional changes to the duties\nsome of them. We decided\nthat it was about time that the\nwork was distributed more\nevenly among the positions.\nNominations are open until\nFebruary 8th when campaigning begins. Voting will take\nplace on February 22,23, and\n24.\nAlso coming up are\nTeaching Excellence Awards.\nStart thinking about who you\nwant to nominate. Awards will\nbe presented at the AGM on\nMarch 4, so we have to get\nstarted early on this.\nAt the council meeting of\nJanuary 28 we covered a lot of\nbusiness, including appointing\na new Secretary (Sarah\nThornton), amending the constitution and accepting the\nguidelines for campaigning.\nSince we lost some exec to the\nAMS, we are accepting immediate nominations for the positions of External Vice\nPresident and AMS\nRepresentative. The jobs will\nstart on February 17, and last,\nuntil April. If you are interested in running for an Executive\nposition for next year, I\nstrongly recommend that you\napply.\nEvery year, the Graduating\nClass chooses several gifts to\ngive to the University in gratitude. Gifts that benefit future\nstudents are chosen. Grad\nclass council is now accepting\nproposals for the 1993 Grad\nClass Gifts. If you have any\nideas on gifts, see the ad in\nthis issue. The deadline is\nFebruary 17.\nWe are still accepting nominations for the First Year\nStudent Committee. The purpose of this committee will be\nto increase the SUS services\nfor first year students. At this\ntime, we just want to get it\nrunning smoothly so that by\nnext September it will be\nready to go. If people are\nmotivated enough, we may\neven hold an event this year. If\nyou're in first year science\nand wondering how you can\nget involved, this is the way.\nWe need ideas of the kind of\nactivities that first years\nwould enjoy, and we need\npeople with the administrative\nskills to organize promotion\nand a time line.\nCheers.\nAMS Briefs\nlanice Boyle\nI have good news for all of\nthe Science students who prefer the Campus Times over the\nUbyssey. AMS Council has\nremoved its head from the\nsand and has decided to allow\nthe Campus Times to distribute\nin the SUB. It only took another hour and a half to decide\nthis issue, and that's on top of\nthe three hours it took us last\ntime. We seem to be wasting a\ngood portion of our lime discussing the merits of a relatively decent newspaper.\nThe tuition campaign was an\namazing success, and the final\nresult of our efforts is that the\nincrease has been capped at\n10% or less. The UBC Board\nof Governors approved an\n11.9% increase, but the government has stated that the\nincrease cannot rise above\n10%. How they are going to\nwork out this fiscal policy with\nthe University is anyone's\nguess. I want to publicly thank\nMartin Ertl and Michael\nHughes for all of the effort\nthey put into organizing the\ncampaign, from start to finish.\nI also want to thank the 2000\nstudents who came out to join\nus. For me, it was a lot of fun\nstanding on top of one of the\ntables in the Faculty Club,\ndirecting students into the\nroom where Strangway and the\nrest of the Board were enjoying their lunch.\nComing soon to a bzzr garden near you is Jason\nSaunderson, mobilizing another anti-Ubyssey petition.\nWhatever you do, make sure\nyou read it before you sign it,\nbecause the big print giveth, -\nand the small print taketh\naway.\nAMS executive elections are\nover, and a new executive will\nbe taking office at the AMS\nAnnual General Meeting.\nFinally my life can get back to\nnormal... 8\nThe Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 9 \u00C2\u00BB ? Feb 193\nRevised Proposed Constitutional Amendments\nAreas to be changed are in italic type.\nThat the SUS Constitution be amended as follows:\nArticle I \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Executive Officers.\n1) The Executive officers who must be active members of the Society and fully\nintend to be members of the Society throughout their term of office shall consist\nof:\ni) President;\nii) Internal Vice President;\niii) External Vice President;\niv) Director of Publications;\nv) Executive Secretary;\nvi) Director of Finance;\nvii) AMS Student Council Representative;\nviii) Sports Director.\nRemove:\nvii) AMS Student Council Representative.\nReplace with:\nvii) Public Relations Officer (PRO).\nAdd:\nix) Social Coordinator.\nArticle II\u00E2\u0080\u0094Executive Duties.\n2) Further duties of specific officers shall be:\nc) External Vice President\ni) To represent the Society to the AMS Students Council;\nii) To have booking privileges with the AMS;\n. iii) To organize, co-ordinate, and promote all social functions of the Society;\nl)To chair the Social Committee;\n2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of tickets for the\nSociety's functions;\n3) To coordinate the timing and posting of all poster and banner\nmaterial for all social events;\n4) To arrange any press releases by media;\niv) To be a member of the Science Week Committee.\nv) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies;\nvi) To recommend people to Council for the following ex-officio positions and\nwork with the officers appointed on their respective projects:\n1) Science Week Coordinator;\n2) Blood Drive Coordinator.\nRemove:\n(ii),(iii),(iv),(v),(vi).\nReplace with:\nii) To know thoroughly, the AMS's constitution, codes and bylaws and have\ncurrent copies of these available on file in the Science office;\niii) To keep Council informed of the activities of the AMS Student Council;\niv) To keep Council informed of the activities of other AMS constituencies and\nclubs;\nv) To attend AMS Council Meetings;\nvi) To keep Council informed of any AMS rights or privileges to which we are\nentitled;\nvii) To keep Council informed of any AMS procedures of which we should be\naware;\nviii) To be a liaisonbetween the Council and the AMS;\nix) To be a liaison between die Council and other Constituencies.\nx) To represent the views of Science Council to the AMS;\nxi) To keep the Science Newspaper Council informed cfthe activities of the\nAMS Student Council. '\nxii) To coordinate Science Week.\nf) Director of Publications\ni) To publish, or cause to be published, the following:\n1) Summer mailout;\n2) The 432;\n3) The Black and Blue Review\nii) To assist in the production of all posters and banners;\niii) To ensure publication of the information collected for the Black and Blue\nReview;\niv) To ensure publication of items for the Society requested by the Executive;\nv) To ensure pubhcationof items for the Society requested by Council;\nvi) To be a member of the following Standing Committeees:\n. 1) Budget Committee;\n2) Science Week Committee;\nvii) To be the head editor of the Science Newspaper Council (refer to\nArticle XII);\nAdd:\nviii) To represent the Society to the AMS Students Council (in the event\nthat there are four Science AMS seats),\nix) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies, (contingent on .\n(viii).)\ng) AMS Student Council Representative\ni) To know and uphold the Science Undergraduate Society's\nconstitution;\nii) To know thoroughly, the AMS's constitiution, codes and bylaws and\nhave current copies of these available on file in the Science office;\niii) To keep Council informed of the activities of the AMS Student\nCouncil;\niv) To keep Council informed of the activities of other AMS\nConstituencies and clubs;\nv)To attend AMS Council Meetings;\nvi) To keep Council informed of any AMS rights or privileges to which\nwe are entitled;\nvii) To keep Council irformed of any AMS procedures of which we\nshould be aware;\nviii) To be a liaison between the Council and the AMS;\nix) To represent the views of Science Council to the AMS;\nx) To keep the Science Newspaper Council informed of the activities of\nthe AMS Student Council.\nRemove:\ng) AMS Student Council Representative\nReplace With:\ng) Public Relations Officer\ni) To inform Science Students of employment opportunities:\n1) To be a liaison between the Society and the UBC Student\nPlacement Office, and/or any other student employment office(s);\n2) To be a liaison between the Society and the Science Clubs\nEmployment Reps;\n3) To work with the Alumni Association and the Faculty of Science\ncoordinating events like the Beyond the BSc. event.\nii) To coordinate or appoint a coordinator for all charity events\nincluding: the Red Cross Blood Drive, the Food Drive and/or any other\ncharities the SUS may choose to participate in;\niii) To arrange any press releases by Media;\niv) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws and policies;\nv) To represent the Society to the AMS Student Council.\nAdd:\ni) Social Coordinator\ni) To have booking privileges with the AMS;\nii) To organize, coordinate, and promote all social functions of the\nSociety:\n1) To chair the Social Committee;\n2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of tickets for the Society's\nfunctions;\n3) To coordinate any advertising for any of the Society's social\nevents.\niii) To be a member of the Science Week Committee.\niv) To coordinate all banner painting efforts of the Society.\nArticle VI - Standing Committees and Sub-Councils\n1) Committees\na) The Social Committee, which shall consist of the External Vice\nPresident, the Director of Finance, the Science Week Coordinator, and\nany other interested active member of the Society. This committee shall:\ni) propose a social program for approval to Council,\nii) co-ordinate and promote the social programs as approved by Council.\nChange a) to read:\na) The Social Committee, which shall consist of the Social Coordinator\n(who is the chair of this committee), External Vice President, the\nDirector of Finance, and any other interested active member of the .\nSociety. This committee shall:\ni) propose a social program for approval to Council.\nii) co-ordinate and promote the social programs as approved by Council.\nFor more information, or information on forming your own Yes or No\nCommittee/please come to the SUS Office (CHEM 160), or ph. 822-4235. Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb '93 The Four Thirty-Two\nA Brief History of SUS\nFebruary 3,1961 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Science\nand Arts are divorced. A legend is born.\nMarch 8,1962 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 After a\nyear of growing pains, the\nSUS Black Hand embarks on\nits first major project, claiming \"If they can make a\ndecaffeinated coffee that\ntastes good, why can't they\nsend a man to Mars?\" The\nproject is undertaken by\nScience students Robert\nGoddard, Knostin\nTsiolkovsky and Werner Von\nBraun.\nMarch, 16,1962 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 The start\nof a great tradition: the\nScience double election. In\nthe the first-ever SUS\nElection, irregularities force\na recall.\nNovember 15,1962 \u00E2\u0080\u0094After\nScience threatens to enter the\nChariot Race, both\nEngineering and Agriculture\nwithdraw. Due to the extreme\nboredom of racing alone,\nScience also withdraws,\nallowing lesser faculties to\nrace. Besides, the stadium\ntrack was too narrow for\nthree chariots.\nOctober 30,1963 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 In their\nfirst-ever Chariot Race, SUS\nresoundingly defeats the\n'geers. Aggies are nowhere\nto be seen. The 'geers are\nnone too happy, explaining\n\"we helped them rebuild\ntheir chariot after someone\nswiped parts of it!\"\nFebruary 4,1964 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 As a\nScience Week stunt, Le Main\nNoir overturns an A-53\nAustin at the main gates,\nusing distress flares to simulate belching smoke. The\neffect is so impressive that\nthe UBC fire and police\ndepartments come out to congratulate the pranksters. With\nsome quick thinking the gang\ntells them: \"We were just\nemphasizing the extreme\ndanger of driving at this cor-\ntier.\nSeptember 14,1965 \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nScience becomes the first\nfaculty to publish an anti-calendar \u00E2\u0080\u0094 the Black and Blue\nReview. Students were polled\non the effectiveness of courses, considering the prof, syllabus and text. Not surprisingly, some profs bitched, but\na significant improvement in\ntheir teaching was later\nnoticed.\nOctober 21,1965 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 The\nChariot Race is usually an\namicable event where rival\nfaculties participate in easygoing competition. But this\nyear, the 'geers are still sore\nfrom the stinging defeat\ninflicted by SUS two years\nprior. Halfway through, the\nrace deteriorates into a bruising free-for-all. The\nEngineers bite off more than\nthey could chew, however,\nand receive the brunt of the\ndamage. Science sends over a\ndozen 'geers to the hospital,\ncompared with SUS' single\ncasualty. In an act of valor,\nthe 'geers ban Science from\nfuture races, opting instead to\ncompete against the tamer\nAggies and Foresters.\nJanuary 4, 1966 -\u00E2\u0080\u0094 Exposure\nto radiation in his PHYS 115\nlab causes William Brommel\nto mutate from a normal\nScience student to an academically-conscientious one.\nSymptoms of genius also\nlead to his triumph as the\nwinner of the Rhodes\nScholarship for BC.\nJanuary 20,1966 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 600\nScience students celebrate\nScience Week with their first\nsmoker, but gate-crashing\ntOttfcE SJUb&lTS:\n'>'//7^^^r^^r7^'//7^^^r7r^^r^^^/^r^^r^^^^^\n\\n//\nA* A *\u00C2\u00A5$\u00C2\u00AB\nF0\u00C2\u00A3M^> IW THE OFFICE\n\ ____/\n~{ovK CifANCB TD SET THfe POLICY\n\ Act mow /\nM0M\u00C2\u00ABHATlOM4\nwmm\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 PRESIDENT\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 INTERNAL VICE ?tti\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 tXTKNAL.VlCE pRK\nfc DIRECTOR OF PUBLICATIONS\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 EXECUTIVE SECRETARY\n\u00C2\u00AE PI RECTOR OF FlMANCt\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 sporVrs Director,\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 SoaAL COORDINATOR\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Public Relations oFficEf^\nMounties seize one Miss\n'Candy' Jones, the centre of\nattention, and charge her with\ncommitting an indecent act.\nPolice also seize a projector,\nbut find no film.\nFebruary 11,1966 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 The\nBlack Hand design the first-\never human paperweight in\nthe form of an EUS Vice\nPresident. Later design\ntweaks included bent-over\n'geers, ostensibly to \"act as\npen-holders\".\nJanuary 19,1967 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 During\nScience Week, SUS buries a\ntime capsule to be opened in\n2067. Unfortunately, of those\nthings buried \"somewhere\nalong Main Mall\", Douglas\nKenny, then Dean of Arts, is\nnot included.\nOctober 6,1967 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 'Geers\nstrip SUS First VP John\nTaylor of his clothes and\ndress him in red underwear.\nA call for vengence takes\nhold of the SUS, and amidst\na display of fireworks and\nsmoke, any engineer unfortunate enough to be found near\nMain Library is dunked.\nOctober 18,1967 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Once\nagain during Science Week, a\nlusty celebration is held, and\nonce again it is crashed by\nthe police. However, the\nevent is held this time in the\nnew SUB Party Room. SUS\nexecutive deny all knowledge\nof the event, pointing out that\nthe room was booked by the\nYoung Businessmens' Club.\nThe first Black Plague is\npublished.\nNovember 12-14,1969 \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nOne small prank for Science,\none giant leap for\nSciencekind. The result of\ndrunken debauchery, a field\ntrip to Cape Kennedy, Florida\nnets a NASA flag for SUS.\nNot just any flag, but the one\nfrom the mission conference\nand briefing room. Now, if\nwe could just find the guy\nwho stole it from us!\nDecember 3,1969 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 SUS\nPresident Ron Gilchrist, due\nto lack of student housing,\ndecides to move into the SUS\nOffice with his girlfriend.\nUnfortunately, their hot plate\nstarts a fire which destroys\nthe office. The Dean, none\ntoo pleased, shuts SUS down\nuntil 1972.\nMarch 11,1981\u00E2\u0080\u0094Dave\nFrank, elected as SUS\nPresident, revives the Black\nHand, Science Chariot Races,\nSUS involvement in\nIntramurals, and incompetent\npresidencies.\nNovember 5,1981 \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nRevived SUS Chariot Race\nteam comes in third.\nFebruary 19 - March 16,\n1982 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 SUS celebrates the\n20th Anniversary of the first-\never Science election by\nreenacting it. The event was\norganized by Horacio de la\nCueva.\n1983 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 SUS initiates fulfill\ntheir pledges by painting the\nCheeze Pub bright pink. Yet\nanother issue of The Black\nPlague shocks journalistic\ncritics.\n1984 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Nothing significant\nhappens. A wave of apathy\nsweeps campus.\n1985 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Spring elections see\nthe rise of the Mustard\nDynasty. The High Priest of\nEthanol, Ron Teljeur, erects\nhis temple of twice-monthly\ninsanity, The Underground.\n1986 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 A particular red station wagon disappears in the\nnight, and is later found\nimpaled on the 'geer\n\"block\". UBC declared an\nundergraduate-free zone.\n1987 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 The 432 is first published.\nEntertainment '93 Coupon Books\nJam-packed with half-price coupons!\nThe skiing coupons are definitely worth using!\nFine dining, Arts, Sports, Travel, and much more!\nPick up your copy\nat the UBC Science\nUndergraduate\nSociety office,\nChemistry\nBuilding,\nRoom 160 io\nThe Four Thirty-rTwo Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb'93\nThe Morris Methods\nJamie .\nMORRIS\nExperiment #3 \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Observations\nof the Defence Mechanism of\nThyrone Briareus \u00E2\u0080\u0094 Trial #2\nProcedure\nThis is trial #2 of my first\nexperiment with Thyrone\nBriareus (translation: sea cucumbers). As you may recall, my\nresults were so inconsistent and\nvariable in the last trial that no\nconcrete conclusion could be\nmade.\nFor those of you who missed\ntrial #1 (and for those of you\nwho forgot), in these experiments I am observing the time it\ntakes for a member of the species\nThyrone briareus to self-eviseer-\nate (violently expel its 'insides')\nwhen there is danger present.\n(For those of you who missed\nthe first experiment, don't worry\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 the sea cucumbers don't die,\nthey simply regenerate the lost\nparts.)\nHypothesis\nIf members of the species\nThyrone briareus are placed in a\ndangerous circumstance, the\ntime it takes for the test subject\nto self-eviscerate will be directly\nproportional to the danger level.\nData and Observations\nDanger Level 0: As before, this\nis the control.\nDanger Description: Test subject\n#1 sits with his buddies in my\nbathtub. Some toxic waste and\ncrude oil are added to the water\nto better simulate the natural\nenvironment.\nTime to Self-Eviscerate: No self-\nevisceration observed.\nResults and Observations:\nThese results are consistent with\nthose of trial #1. Requests for\nalcoholic beverages were prominent.\nDanger Level 1\nDanger Description: Test subject #2 was thoroughly dressed\nin many layers of clothes, of\nwhich a dirty trench coat was the\ntop layer, sunglasses were added\nfor effect. Test subject #2 was\nthen driven down to the VUSTC's\nheadquarters (Vancouver Indoor\nNudist Club) and thrown in the\nfront door \u00E2\u0080\u0094 still wearing the\nclothes!\nTime to Self-Eviscerate:\nUnknown at moment\nResults and Observations: Initial\nobservations were impossible (as\nI was outside when the mayhem\nstarted), but eventually the police\ncame and took test subject #2\naway in handcuffs. Onlookers\nscreamed 'Pervert' and 'Peeping\nTom' as test subject #2 was\nplaced by the cop into the back\nseat of the squad car. It did not\nappear that test subject #2 had\nself-eviscerated; however, I am\nconfident that it will happen\nwhen he receives the bill from\nhis defence attorney.\nDanger Level 2\nDanger Description: How many\ntimes, when you were a child,\ndid your mom or dad tell you to\nkeep your arm inside the car\nwhen they were driving? They\nsaid a passing car will rip it right\nout of the socket, didn't they?\nWell, now that you're older, you\nknow it's true. Test subject #3\nwas placed in the left, rear passenger seat of my turbo-charged\nK-car with its head partially out\nthe rolled down window.\nTune to Self-Eviscerate: 1.349\nseconds\nResults and Observations:\nUnfortunately, my turbo-charged\nK-car is much too powerful for a\ndelicate experiment of this kind.\nWhenever I accelerated, it was\nNewton's Third Law (action-\nreaction law) that caused the\nself-evisceration rather than the\ndanger of the passing cars and\ntrucks.\nDanger Level 3\nDanger Description: Test subject #4 was entered as a contestant on the hit television show\n\"Studs\". A female by the name\nof Betty was to be the date of test\nsubject #4. Test subject #4 would\nbe subjected to the intense anxiety and apprehension of the situation.\nTime to Self-eviscerate: No self-\nevisceration observed.\nResults and Observations:\nAlthough test subject #4 was\nnervous before the date, and\nbumbled a bit when Betty\narrived, it went fairly well. First\nthe two went out for an expensive dinner, and then went dancing at various nightclubs with\ncomplementary VIP passes. I\ncould not finish the observations\nof the date because the bouncers\nat the nightclubs wouldn't let me\nin (they all pointed to a common\nsign which read: \"Muscular\njock-types only please \u00E2\u0080\u0094 no\nexperimentalists\"). When interviewed later on the show, Betty\nsaid, \"Oh no no! Nothing sexual\nhappened. He was the perfect\ngentleman, and a fine dancer.\nHe fits that old saying: cool as a\nsea cucumber...\" Test subject #4\nand Betty won first prize on the\nshow and are now enjoying a\ndream vacation in Hawaii.\nDanger Level 4\nDanger Description: Test subject\n#5 was dressed in a white lab\ncoat and forced to enter a\n-Chemistry lab without any eye\nprotection! (Those of you who\naren't in Chemistry must take\nmy word of the sheer danger of\nsuch a thing. [For those of you in\nChemistry, starting next week\nI'm giving private demonstrations on proper fume hood techniques. Speak to me if you are\ninterested]).\nTime to Self-Eviscerate: 10.45\nseconds\nResults and Observations: As\nwas expected, every lethal chemical, every tiny piece of glass,\nand every little fleck of dust flew\nfrom their resting places and hit\ntest subject #5 in the head. These\nparticles all hit the precise location where Thyrone briareus\nwould have had eyes, if it had\nevolved a pair. Test subject #5\ndid not self-eviscerate until a\nnearby lab TA grabbed it, rushed\nit over to the \"Emergency Eye\nWash Station\" and vigorously\nscrubbed its head.\nDanger Level 5\nDanger Description: While\nattending my weekly PISA meeting (People Infatuated with\nSeafood Anonymous), I asked\nthe receptionist\u00E2\u0080\u0094a beautiful\nblonde whose nametag read\nMichelle \u00E2\u0080\u0094 to look after test\nsubject #6 for a while because I\nwas supposedly \"going cold\nturkey on seafood\". After having\nconvinced Michelle to take test\nsubject #6 home, I waited a couple of days before executing this\ntrial \u00E2\u0080\u0094 the kidnapping of test\nsubject #6.\nTime to Self-Eviscerate:\nunknown\nResults and Observations:\nBreaking into Michelle's house\nwas not a problem, nor was\nlocating test subject #6, (it was in\nthe bathtub). The trouble started\non my getaway. I ran from the\nhouse to the other side of the\nstreet where my car was parked.\nUnfortunately for me, a cop car\nwas patrolling the neighbourhood, and drove by as 1 dashed\nout onto the road. He ordered me\nto stop over his radio, and when I\ndidn't, he started shooting. I\nquickly climbed into my car and\na gratuitous car chase ensued\nwith plenty of gunfire (much like\nthe one in the \"Blues Brothers\").\nThe chase lasted for about ten\nminutes and ended when I drove\nmy turbo-charged K-car off the\nLions Gate Bridge. Later, when\nI surfaced (much further down\nBurrard Inlet, away from the\ncops), test subject #6 was\nnowhere to be found.\nConclusion\nAll in all the results were better\nin this trial than in number one;\nhowever, they're still not good\nenough to make a valid conclusion. Perhaps Thyrone briareus\nis too simple of an organism for\nan experiment of this type.\nPerhaps if I used my extremely\nadvanced methods of recombinant DNA to give humans the\ndefence mechanism of Thyrone\nbriareus ...mmmm... Oh well,\nsee you in the Valentine's Day\nissue.\nA Minute in SUS.\nJanuary 28,1993.\nCALL TO ORDER: 1:36 pm\nGUEST: Nigel McNabb on the United Nations Book Project\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 challenge to all clubs from Physsoc to collect older edition texts\n(1980 and newer) for underdeveloped countries\nAPPROVAL OF MINUTES:\nSUS Council Minutes dated January 14,1993\nUNFINISHED BUSINESS:\nPostponed from last week:\n3. Moved Patrick Lum, Seconded Janice Boyle,\n\"That the executive elections guidelines be accepted as\npresented.\"\nCarried.\nNEW BUSINESS:\n1. Moved Jason Holmes, Seconded Tim Lam,\n\"That the SUS Constitution be ammended as presented.\"\n(Note: this motion requires a 3/4 majority to pass.)\nCarried.\n2. Moved Emel Akhurt, Seconded Farheen Rawji,\n'That nominations for the Executive Elections open on Feb 01,\n1993, and close on Feb. 08,1993.\"\nCarried.\n4. Moved Jason Holmes, Seconded Janice Boyle,\n'That nominations for the position of Executive Secretary be\nclosed.\"\nCarried.\n5. Moved Tim Lam, Seconded Terence Fan,\n'That Sarah Thornton be appointed Executive Secretary for the\nremainder of the academic year.\"\nCarried.\n(note: Ryan McCuaig opposed).\nREPORTS:\nAcademics: Teaching Excellence Awards - post banners,\nnomination forms Feb 1; next mtg Feb 11,12:30, in SUS.\nElections: Nominations Feb 1-8, forms in 432.\nAMS: Campus Times can distribute in SUB again; AMS\nFoundation has an exec.; understanding between AMS and UBC\nadmin, approved.\nScience Week: Many thanks, went great; let Sarah know $.\nPublications: Deadline now, next one Feb 5; going to buy a\ncolour scanner at approx $1300.\nFinance: BPP and BioSoc budgets to be approved next week.\nSocial: Dance went great; No Class Bash Feb 19 with Karaoke\nmachine; Social Committee mtg Feb 4,12:30, in SUS.\nSenate: Imposing quotas on 2nd and 3rd year Science.\nSports: 1st term points: Science men 6500, EUS men 4300;\nScience women 3900, Gage women 3300; sports council mtg.\nTues 12:30; sports banquet in Mar in Ballroom.\nSales: New inventory \u00E2\u0080\u0094 come and see!; sales booths went great,\nover $1700 sold.\nFood Drive: Physiology Club won, great job everyone!\nEmployment: Not much coming in.\nCLUB REPORTS:\nAstronomy Club: n/r\nBPP: Feb 12: pizza and pop 500 in IRC; bzzr garden Feb 19\nBioSoc: Fri Jan 29 bzzr garden Biol 2449\nCSC: Gym night next week\nCS3:n/r\nDawson; n/r\nGeography Club: Geopit Fri night.\nMath Club: Seeking budget info?\nMicro Club: Home Brew and Mixer went well; Fri Mar 12\nmystery cruise; grad tix avail.\nPre-Dent: Tours.\nPre-Med: Gym night Jan 29 OsbA; CPR on Sat.\nPSA: Tonight Roxy $5\nPhyssoc: Airplane contest great \u00E2\u0080\u0094 60 people; movie nights soon.\nOTHER BUSINESS:\nMoved Chris Woods, Seconded Janice Boyle,\n\"That in the spirit of SUS and with the hope to improve inter-\nfaculty relations with the Engineers, and so that the External VP\ncan perform his duties to the best of his abilities without fears of\nbeing tanked, the SUS contribute the sum of $43.20 for the\nexpress purpose of purchasing one RED evening dress from Value\nVillage for Roger to wear to all Applied Science council\nmeetings.\"\nCarried.\nNOTICE OF MOTIONS: none\nADJOURNMENT: 2:36 PM by Carmen McKnight Vol 6 No 9 t 1 Feb'93 The Four Thirty-Two\n11\n's next submission deadline is\nFRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5. Why\nFebruary 5? Because next issue is\n*J the ever-popular VALENTINE'S\nDAY ISSUE, featuring the return\nof 3 LINES FREE (Great for those\ncryptic messages to your loved\none(s)), and the world-famous EROTIC HAIKU CONTEST,\nfeaturing prizes that have yet to be decided upon. There are\nfour categories for the Haiku Contest: Best Male to Female,\nBest Female to Male, Best M/F to Miscellaneous Land\nAnimal, and Most Likely to Make the Editors to Toss Their\nCookies (in either the depraved or the simperingly sweet\nsense.) The deadline for submissions to either the Haiku\nContest or 3 Lines Free is 6pm Monday, February 8. Just\ndrop 'em off in The 432's submission box. Keep them\nlibidos rolling...\n\u00C2\u00A3\n^\n*4\n.%\nW/G^\nm\nDean's Honour List\nScience students who obtained an overall 1st class average in the (1991-92) .\nacademic year. They receive a certificate noting their accomplishment and their\nacademic transcript is annotated to indicate their inclusion on the Dean's Honour\nList.\n,<1T YFAl? - 1991-92\nRobert M Alisharan\nStephen!, Anderson\nDawn E Andrews\nValeric J As trope\nAdam Jan Auer\nCyntnla Joan Baker\nKtith S Banerjee\nJanice Lee A Boyle\nKesten C Brought on\nMichael P Buckland\nJoyce Nlng Yee Chan\nKaCDungKChan\nKennrtli Ka-Ho Chan\nKin Ytp Leith Chan\nChannaine Wai L Chang\nChla-Mu Chang\nSandra Woun Chang\nJennifer C Chesko\nDorothy On Cheung\nGrace C-Y Cheung\nNlUd Cheung\nNancy Met Sum Chew\nBenjamin T Chlam\nJoseph Jerry Chi en\nWai Kd Vicky Chin\nTwKarOUviaChoi\nWinifred W Chu\nUcaChul\nSam Yeol Chun\nAlbert Wing Chung\nSteven M Clark\nDavid Jay Cohen\nDavid R Collins\nWiUiam Jon Collins\nJames Scott Conklln\nVictoria C Cox\nDceolny M Craig\nKevin A Douglas\nDarren O Edam urs\nCatherine D Edgar\nGwendolyn GUongos\nEdward Gin\nTyler Wayne Gjemes\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2Ruby K Crewal\nOttvW Tazim Hamcer\nSuzanne Han\nErin A HaslnolT\nAlison Agnes HlH\nAlice Ho\nBlake E Hockey\nDavid Hsu\nPlndongHu\nCatherine Chee Hul\nJimmy Ka-Ho Hul\nThomu Yeuk S Hul\nRyan Wei Yan Hung\nSun J oo Jang\nMelanie J< ' '\nRachel Jones\nLamia V Kaliane\nJudy Kao\nSlml Khangura\nRahul Khosla\nFel'Mlng Flora Kwan .\nRaymond Kwan\nTsui-Ming Theresa Kwan\nMalthew M K Kwok\nHelen Wing-Yai) Kwoo\nRosanna Hoi S Lai\nEdward Charles Lam\nEugene Keith Lam\nFred Chiu-Lai Larri\nKilty Kit-Yee\" Lam\nNorman La man\nAnne Bong-Eng Lau\nKing Bong J Lau\nLawrence Lau\nMichael W Law\nBenjamin Wei H Lee\nChing Sang Lee\nPatricia Kay Lee\nSooSenLee\nKaf Sang Leung\nWai Ting P Leung\nMarian LI\nFa! f lona Lun\nHeidi YukSau U\nSlrrpom Lohachitranont\nFrances Kit Y Lwi\nMark J MacLachlan\nMitra G Maharaj\nAnna Jane Mason\nMlchad J McCready\nRyan Graeme McCuaig\nJacqueline Dale McDUrraid\nAU Mir-Mohammad-Sadeghl\nKakollMltra\nMlchad D Milton\nRichard Owen Moore\nStephanie Myckatyn\nJonas D Naphtall\nPatrick G Neufeld\nRobert L Newman\nDavid Ka Chun Ng\nNatalia Pel Sze Ng\nMark Nife\nGeraldlne M O'Keeffe\nDavid Brian O'Neill\nBrent B Oil huh\nKakurl Issa Omarl\nBenjamin P L Ong\nChristine Ortlepp\nEmily Pal\nYuk Pak\nMonika Yee Man Parig\nBogd.in C Petrcsm\nMark H Poembacher\nMichelle RPoiner\nMlchad Poon\nMohamedaruT Premjt\nPeter Brian Rhodes '\nShirley Anne Robum\nShuichl Sakai\nJalruu Sathlanathan\nJonathan J N Seper\nBobby Shayegan\nDanlelS Ship\nJohn Franklin Slmms\nMatthew Ping F Sin\nGraham B Sinclair\nTerry Man Kong Siu\nRita Sun\nErik Nathan Swartc\nDeanna Michelle Tan\nMelissa Mien Tan\nSteven Tanaka\nRaymond K Tang\nChee Peng Tey\nSuxanne H Ting\nAngela Suk-Man To\nMlchad Kal T*un To\nVu Ngoc Truorig\nLeonard WayeHTse .\nTomoyukl Tsuda\nRKuphry Mlchad Tu\nWsQarunnlssa Valianl\nMark Van Raamsdonk\nMatthew Van Wollen\nLevi David Waldron\nSteven Wan\nMark S Wensauer\nDumJnda Nalaka Wljeysundera\nSusan Louise Winter\nBonlta Pan K Wong\nJustin Kal Fal Wong .\nToby W Wong\nMark Johnson Wu\nConstance Nga Hang Wun\nMina Ying Ying Yiu\nHikarl I Yoshlhara\nSerena Young\nLoreita Yuen\nOdessa So-Yee Yuen\nNadla Y Zalunardo\n3RD YEAR - 1991-g\nElizabeth A Alblas\nJennifer E Anderson\nMichelle Anderson\nMark H Atkins\nSharon Jeel K Autakh\nCraig A)van Aumann\n- Shane Allen Baker\nTerrance D Barrett\nJennifer L Berkeley\nAllsdair B Boraston\nE Jason Broome\nlain K Brown\nJennifer M Bugar\nIgor Leonid Burstyn\nKirsten Lynne Bury\nSonla A Butterworth\nRyan Scott Bystrom\nJulian D Carrasco\nMlchad LapP Chan\nRajpal Singh Chandi\nKftth RChatww\n- Peter Man Yuen Chee\nJeffrey P-Y Chen\nAlicia Kit F Cheung\nChristian S Cheung\nWinnie Wing Y Cheung\nJason E Chisham\nElizabeth C Chong\nDavid Terry Chow\nEric Ho-Kl Chu\nJeff R Comisarow\nElaine Marie Davids\nGraham P Del [aire\nRajwinder Dhaml\nTanls Lynn Douglas\nBradley Jason Dueck\nGillian Ann Duncan\nLinda-Joy Ewart\nTerence John Field\nJennifer E Fischer\nHot Ste Fong\nJason Cyrus Ford\nTrevor Mcdonald Fox\nLeanne Kaxuml Fukul\nMaria A Furlong\nWalter GllUes\nMlchad TCjemes\nSuzana Glavas\nNarty A Golestanl\nKathleen A Gordon\nJagjit Stngh Gosal\nJeffrey A Grout\nGregory R F Hand\nLeanne Haywood-Farmer\nKaiherlne V Heath\nStephen J Hentschel\nGraham Douelns Mill\nr>iin<;m r.i n.-iv^Ho\nSusanne M Hoc-vain\nMichael Y Ikari\nSandy Jung\nCsthenne M Juncic\nMalik H Kaliane\nJoan Shung Chi Kara\nDarren M Kantlkura\nPravjot K Kandola\nYl Tsun Richard Kao\nPatnckJKemdge\nShana Lynn Kibble\nDavid Edward Kim\nDanld Kwok Yan Ko\nBrcndaKwan\nBrian FLahuTe\nRebecca Wing 5 Lai\nNltnlra P Lalanl -\nHddl Lap Mun Lam\nHannah L Landecker\nGillian A Larkin\nBienca Uu\nWilliam Wai Lun Lau\nKa Wai Helen Law\nElizabeth R Leboc\nSylvia Wei Tsl Lee\nBrian Leung\nCharles Park N Leung\nWai Ming li\nBelty Ping Lin\nPatrick K Lum\nTony Luongo\n'Christopher Keith Macgowan\nBrent J MacNicol\nDtanne L Marriott\nMorag Jane McMillan\nMatthew J Meeuwtssen\nAdam T Meneghetti\nJonathan D Morrison\nMichael Rao Mulvey\nMafalda S Musacchio\nTerence M Myckatyn\nFarhana Nakhooda\nRoss Douglas Noble\nErtcNodweU\nJill K Non-U\nChristopher E Nott\nKetf Erik Novlk\nStephen Mark OTCane\nErtnKCOeary\nSlelan T Obenaus\nNicholas James Oke\nJosephine Osborne\nJanice COstlln\nCeoiTM Palmer\nAzarPeyvandt\nEdward Poon\nKenneth Todd Reed\nF.Mi-r M Welti\nLisa Susanne Relroer\nJennifer a Rennlck\nLisa Anne Ronald\nNicky Sarah Sample\nSallmaBSavja\nDemian Paul Seale\nJohnny Chun L Shim\nJeremy B Smith\nRichard W Smith\nDeepall N Spaeth\nCaroline E SUgant\nAnna Sun\nFlorence Mee S Tarn\nShuk Ling Agnes To\nSellna Tribe\nJeff Allen Tupper\nLars Sakarl Ounila\nJeffrey M Walker\nHden C Ward\nJonathan M Wilson\nAnna B Wlsniewska\nJoanne T-l, Wong\nWei Wing Wong\nJennUer K J Yao\nSamudYip\nAlice Dalm-Ha Yu\nBabak Bob Zamirt\nAnnette N Zolbrod\n2ffP YEAR - 1991 92\nKlmbertyGAUcock\nDavid E Amundsen\nGeorge U S Athwal\nLynn Alexandra Ball\nLana W Barber\nRichard J Baverstock\nHarjlndtr J S Blning\nChristopher Gregory llrisebots\nAndrea Elaine Buker\nPhilip Chan\nRaphael U-Kuo Chan\nKim Clung\nWinnie Won Mon Che -ent\nHeist Hollinger\nStuart Z Horak\nDiiineEHuey\nJacqueline CW Hul\nJoieph KoHunglp\nAJlion L Isaacson\nAb red Jamal\nAn :!rew N Jenkins\nCh rryl Ann Jerome\nEl L Kersey\nEcb/8\nlKim\nGloria Y NakatanJ\nDaniel Corry Newall\nChristopher J Nichols\nJimmy Nlng\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Jennifer A C O'Farrell\nDiane E Oddy\nConrad D Oja\nJeffrey R Ovter\nJennifer Arine Pain\nLulgl Andrea Pavan\nChristine D Phillips\nlate because of late mark\nChristian Bern hard\nChristina I Poon\nreceived\nKornig \u00E2\u0096\u00A0\nDana Leigh Powell\nTrei-orJohnKreke\nJordan Andrew Bona;'\nHoi-ard J Kwan\nElizabeth A Quebec\nHeather M Brown\nTer:saKwan\nRichard M Brusklewkh\nJor/i Tie Woon Lai\nDouglas G Ratzlaff\nTimothy J Bussey\nAmina Plrbhai Lalanl\n4ohn An gus Ridley\nMlchad K Butchart\nNod Lam\nChristina M Cani]\nAld:n Wesley Lange\nJeffrey E Roberts\nFttHL Chaffee\nFra ikle W Lau\nLllah Natalia Rossi\nStephen Cheng\nSu< Ying Lao\nJoinlfcr Slu Chiang\nBarney A Lee\nGeorge Kal Yee Chow\nMeiUnManFai Lee\nBeverly Aileen Chua\nLon ny ELegault\nKan wai Sangha\nCat lerUie MK Leung\nKathryn M Schubert\nJasmine S Cohen\nDae line Leung\nSandra Lynn Scott\nAllison J Coleman\nMiddle C LImaniour\nMitchell E CouUng\nDar.ny Un\nAngela M Crampton\nMgi! J Uvesley\nLisa C Crockett\nKaniLouali\nGregory Richard Dake\nTaiwan Louie\nHden Davis\nLucli Jan-Luck Louis\nNavid Dehghanl-M\nRolf: Mario Luongo\nRichmond Sy\nJeanne Z. MacLeod\nMini Mah\nMaliolm Ka-Ho Man\nDanielle L Dubouri\nBarlsara Louise Mark\nMelissa Terllngcn\nNicole Judith Dyck\nJelTtryGMarschall\nTamara Falter\nJoeUMaten\nLynn Labrador Farralei\nMarltKFMauthner\nKenneth K-L Fung\nDavid R McBride\nLynriMMcFariand\nLori Jean Gadsden\nElaine CMcKevItt\nMylinhTVo\nSusan E Mcleod\nKaviraj Singh Gosal\nVIctcrCMcMlllan\nAnne E Greene\nJam -j L McWhirter'\nKelly A Guggisberg\nRoland Mechler\nEileen O Guillen\nShar: ram Mehraban\nApril Maureen Hahn\nCarl A Michal\nDone Id James Mlnato\nAlison Wendy Wlebe\nThomas MK Han\nKennL-thWCMok\nLaura A Hanson\nLeo Mok\nBruce D Harthett\nBron wn L Morrison\nScot A Mountain\nJerry Hendry\nDavw WMurion\nRyan Alexander Hill\nJoanne P Muster\n2ND YEAR - 1991-92\n1. JONES, Christopher D W\n2. MONAI. Steven\n3. RIEDEL, Marko Ragnar\n4. ALLCOCK, Kimberly G\n5. CHAN, Raphael Li-Kuo\n6. BUrCER, Andrea Elaine\n7. KALOUSEK. Andrea D\n8. . LUPICHUK, Sasha M\n9. CHIN. James Edwards\n10. GUSTAFSON, Stephen J\n11. GILL, Harpreet\n12. SILVA, William Andre\n13. CHIU, Grace S-L\n14. HASENW1NKLE, Diane G\n15. STAFFORD, Douglas J\n16. MAH, Franky\n17. HAHN, Linlea\n18. COCHIEN, Eileen D\n19. CHANG, Kim\n20. POON, Peter\nRANK NAME\n3RD YEAR - 1991-92\nRANK\nNAME\n4TH YEAR -1991-92\n1.\n2.\n3.\n4.\n5.\n6.\n7.\n8.\n9.\n10.\n11.\n12.\n13.\n14.\n15.\n16.\n17.\n18.\n19.\n20.\n21.\n1. COMISAROW, Jeff R\n2. KALFANE, Malik H\n3. KO, Daniel Kwok Yan\n4. CHANDI, Rajpal Singh\n5. ANDERSON, Jennifer E\n6. LAM, Heidi Lap Mun\n7. RENNICK, Jennifer A\n8. POON, Edward\n\u00E2\u0080\u009E 9. RONALD, Lisa Anne\nUO. REED, Kenneth Todd\n11. CHATWIN, Keith R\n12. LAU, Bienca\n13. GILLIES, Walter\n14. WARD, Helen C\n15. YIP, Samuel\n16. MACGOWAN, Christopher Keith\n17. CHONG, Elizabeth C\n18. KANDOLA, Pravjot K\n19. KAM, Joan Shung Chi\n20. STIGANT, Caroline E\nChristopher Nichols\nTeresa Kwan\nJohn T W Lai\nLonny E Legault\nFrankie W Lau\nValerie Voon\nIsabelle Vonder Muhll\nCarl Michal\nDavid R McBride\nMichael K Butchart\nChristina Poon\nPaul J Koltronis\nNavid Dehghani-M\nStephanie K Block\nDanny Lin\nGurprit Bains\nKirsten Van Loon\nMaryam Baghbannazary\nRolfe Mario Luongo\nLesley Ann Caswell . *\nAmina Pirbhai Lalani *\nStudents had exactly same marks 12\nThe Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 9 * 1 Feb '93\nM&lvakten (that's Swedish for the target)\nlolly\nROGER\nThe way I figure it, God was\nnot an engineer.\nI was led to this thought in a\nrather short length of time this\nevening. About 2.1 seconds, to\nbe exact. What the whole thing\nboiled down fo was the\ninescapable conclusion that no\nself-respecting engineer could\npossibly lay claim to something\nas poorly designed and dysfunctional as the human brain. My\ntheory is that God sub-contracted\nthe Sirius Cybernetics\nCorporation (a la Hitch Hikers\nGuide) to mass-produce these\nthings \u00E2\u0080\u0094 like everything else\nSCC makes, the only good thing\nabout them is that the peripheral\ndesign flaws cause problems that\ntend to cover up the more fundamental design flaws.\nThis grand revelation struck\nme as I was playing hockey the\nother night. Hockey, as you all\nknow, is a wonderful game \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nwhat one of my friends calls \"the\nlast great gladiator sport\". He's\ngot a point there; one would be\nhard-pressed to find a more apt\ndescription for a game involving\ntwelve testosterone-crazed thugs,\narmed with sticks, pummeling\neach other into a sheet of solid\nice for control of a three-inch\nrubber bullet (Ain't it great?)\nBut alas, the prospect of getting a mouthful of lumber in the\ncorner wasn't good enough for\nme, oh no. I needed more abuse.\nHaving come to grips with that at\nthe tender age of six, I promptly\nbecame one of those particularly\nwarped individuals that they call\ngoaltenders, aka goalies, aka targets. .\nAs a famous goalie by the\nname of Lome (Gump) Worsley\nalways said, \"You don't have to\nbe crazy to be a goalie, but it\nhelps.\" I think the Gurnper hit the\nnail on the head there. Goalies,\nalong with skydivers, cliff-divers\nand people who throw water balloons at heads-of-state, are\nblessed with a rather curious state\nof mind. As far as I can tell, the\ndesire to impede the forward\nprogress of said rubber bullet\n(accustomed to travelling in\nexcess of 100 km/h) by putting\noneself in its path defies every\nself-preservatory mechanism the\ncentral nervous system has to\noffer. Much along the same lines\nas jumping out of a perfectly\ngood airplane, throwing yourself\nonto large, shallowly submerged\nrocks, or quickly developing a\nclose working relationship with\nthose Secret Service gorillas,\nstuffed into suits and shades and\ntoting Uzis in their breast pockets.\nThe main advantage goaltend-\ning has over these is that it's the\nonly one that will get you on\nCNN without something going\nhorribly wrong (with the sole\nexception of the last one). But I\nthink any goalie will tell you that\nhe is not there for the fame.\nBelieve it or not, there are those\nof us out there who actually find\nthe idea to be one of great fun.\n(You'll have to pardon me for\na moment ifl sound a little too\nPC here, but you' II notice that I\nonly said \"he\" above. I'd like to\ntake this opportunity to both\nacknowledge my profound sense\nof gender-insensitivity, and to\noffer these words toManon\nRheaume, afar better goalie than\nmyself: Je vous adore. Mariez-\nmoi, ma chirie. She rules.)\nGranted, the impact of the\npuck takes some getting used to\nat first. My basic training consisted mainly of standing in goal\nsuppressing my autonomic nervous system while the biggest\nguy on the team wound up from\nabout ten feet away. The penalty\nfor so much as blinking was\ntwenty pushups - which, due to\nmy wearing half my weight in\nwaterlogged goal equipment,\nended up being morepainful than\nthe simple bone bruise the puck\nended up giving me anyway.\nUnfortunately, the biggest hurdle a goalie has to overcome is\nthe fact that the human brain simply was not designed with such\nrigors in mind.\nWhich brings us to tonight.\nThere I am, standing patiently in\nthe net while the play knocks\naround in the other end. It happens that our team was doing a\nrather good job of keeping the\npuck down there, and so my\nmind started to wander. I stayed\nlost in thought for some time,\ncontemplating all manner of topics completely irrelevant to the\ntask at hand (including -1 hate to\nadmit it - a fleeting reflection on\nthe Bay City Rollers, of all\nthings), when suddenly I was\ninterrupted by a special bulletin\nfrom my eyes: Your defenceman\njust coughed it up at the point.\nThey've got a breakaway.\nBack into goalie mode - in the\ncrouch, stick down, glove out,\ncut down the angles. I was ready.\nIt was at this point that a rather\ninopportune power struggle\nbroke out between rivalling factions of neurons inside my head.\nThe one bunch decided that\nnow, of all times, was the correct\ntime to engage in a little bit of\nneurological irouble-shooting\n(which says volumes for the\namount I apparently need). I thus\nbegan to consider:\na) why I was of the opinion\nthat-this rather neolithic game\nwas the cleverest pastime I could\ncome up with,\nb) why my sense of self-\npreservation was obviously so\ninept that it'd let me play this\ngame for sixteen years, and yet\nI'd survived the whole time with\nout doing something completely\nsuicidal, and\nc)theBAyC/7T\nROLLERS!? You gotta be kid-\ndin'me...\nAt that point, the other bunch\ncame to the rescue. Uh, hate to\ninterrupt, but our buddy up there\nwith the puck just crossed centre\nand he' 11 be here real soon so\nwill you please cut it out and\nCONCENTRATE ON WHAT'S\nGOING ON!?!? ARE YOU\nNUTS!?\nYeah, right, I say, as I move to\nthe top of the crease. Challenge\nthe shooter. Draw in slowly. Let\nhim make the first move.\nThe first bunch reply: Is HE\nnuts? You're the ones ones who\nwant him to stand here and get us\nall blown out the back of his\nskull with a puck, and you're\ncalling him nuts!?\nWell, if you all don't shut the\nhell up and help out, that could\njust happen! Get on it!\nSuffice it to say that things got\na little heated from there on in.\nBut, in my state of utter confusion, when the hope of either\nregaining my sanity or stopping\nthe puck seemed all but lost, I fell\nback on pure guesswork and slid\nacross to my right, making a\nspectacular pad save as the shooter went low to the backhand.\nWhat can I say? You were\nright, Gump. Long live crazy\ngoalies.\n2\nO\no\n!<\nz\nO\nz\nUJ\nU\nz\ny\n(J\nI\nLU\no\nz\nt-\nz\nUJ\no\nZ>\nI-\nt/i\nv-\nD\no\nU\nCD\nc\nE\no\n0)\n\u00E2\u0096\u00A08.8\nc> \u00E2\u0080\u0094\n12 \u00C2\u00B0 \n| o ?\n1 -.\n.05 B *\nre\nC\nDO \n\"> ra\nO \"u\n- u\nin \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nTJ\n01\nCU\nOl\nm\n-C\n0)\nc\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2t\u00E2\u0080\u0094\u00C2\u00BB\n:P\n00\nE\nE\no\ne\no\nc\ncu\n>\nS.E\no \u00E2\u0096\u00A0>-\u00E2\u0080\u00A2\n\nU\nin ,_\n(0 ^\nu j2\nc^\nu\n1\nm\ntj\nro\nJC\n\no\no\nro\nU\n>*\n< t-\n<\n\u00C2\u00A3\n*? o\n>-\nc\n<\n00\nC\n<\nrfl\n0)\nb\no\nC\n'rO\n'in 5\n>~\na.\no- I\nm\n0)\njr.\nc\nO\nX\no>\na; U\nUJ\nLL.\nro\nin\n0)\n0)\n>\no\nC\n'E\no\nc\nro\nc\nOp\n1/1\no\n00\nrO\na.\nlo *E\nE O\nz\no\nCN\nc\nrO\nB en\nc 3\n_l\nD\nin\nCI)\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 cr>\n<\n9\nQ.\n0)\nC\n1_\nCD\n00\nc\nc o>\n0) -C\n-C \u00E2\u0096\u00A0\"-'\nU c\nSt -\nLU\nQ\nz\nO.\nc\nra\no\nin\nin\n0)\no\nc\n-Si, 1\u00C2\u00AB\no o\n+5 *2\n0\nr\n<*=\n,- rt\n4-\u00C2\u00BB\no\na.\n4-\u00C2\u00BB\nc\n0)\nE\nSi\nE \u00C2\u00AB=\nz\n5\nt\nCD\nTJ o\n& o\nE \u00C2\u00A3\nO 0)\no\n0\n0)\n4-\u00C2\u00BB\nro\nC\nF\nro\nc\n'\u00C2\u00A3\no\nro\nin\nO\nsJ\nQ.\ni_\n3\no\nZ\no\nc\n>^\nm\nc\n4-\u00C2\u00BB\no\nc\nin\nro\n01\no\nm\nin\n2\nn\nU TJ\n\u00C2\u00AB S\n\u00E2\u0096\u00A0\u00C2\u00A3 <\nCD\n\u00E2\u0096\u00A0\u00C2\u00BB-\u00C2\u00BB\nrfl\nc\n5\nUJ\nE\nrfl\n-a\n3\n\u00E2\u0096\u00A0E c\nF\nH\nc\nC\nu\nQ>\no> \"-\no\nu\nc\n>\nc\n1~\n0)\n*\u00E2\u0080\u0094'\no\n\"- 0)\no\na;\no\n01\nn\n0) u\na.\nE\nro\nCO\ntn C\nrO o>\n0)\no\no>\no>\no>\n<\" \u00C2\u00A3\nE\nZ\nE\nQ_\n4-\u00C2\u00BB\na. F\nCN\nro\nLO\n\u00C2\u00ABJ3\nCO\ncr."@en . "Periodicals"@en . "Vancouver (B.C.)"@en . "LE3.B841 A12"@en . "LE3_B841_A12_1993_02_01"@en . "10.14288/1.0000582"@en . "English"@en . "Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library"@en . "Vancouver : University of British Columbia. Science Undergraduate Society"@en . "Images provided for research and reference use only. Permission to publish, copy, or otherwise use these images must be obtained from the University of British Columbia Science Undergraduate Society: http://www.sus.ubc.ca/"@en . "Original Format: University of British Columbia. Archives"@en . "University of British Columbia"@en . "The 432"@en . "Text"@en . ""@en .