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The 432 Jan 22, 2001

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' ^*
22 January 2001
.'.■S'i";' <»£.
off Editor^!
rt|Uch more...
'Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them/
- Paul Valery
God Smites UBC Math
Prof considered 'just generally evil1 by all
Dr. Jake Hogrief, an esteemed professor of theUniversity of British
Columbia's Department of Mathand
Statistics, was slain late last Friday by what
witnesses claim was 'a gigantic hand from
the sky'.
Acording to those on the scene, Dr.
Hogrief waswalking from the Math Annex
towards the Student UnionBuilding at
about 5:15pm, when the clouds suddenly-
parted, and a massive, glowing ethereal
hand descendedfrom the sky to grab
Hogrief and took him, kicking and screaming, into the heavens. At least one of the-
witnesses was assumed to be both sober
and not underthe influence of hallucinogens at the time of theincident.
For lack of a better explanation, the titanic hand isassumed to be the hand of Our
Lord God.
The incident is believed by many to be in
retaliationfor the Math 101 midterm Dr.
Hogrief had marked andreturned to his
students earlier that day. Many of his students were heard uttering oaths damning
Hogrief as they left his classroom after
receiving their resulting class average mark
of 43%. One student inparticular, Mark
Guilders, an active member in thePoint
Grey Christian community, is claiming
responsibility for the incident.
"Much like the heroes of the Good Book, I
was being beset on all sides by my enemies," Childers told reporters today, "And
I prayed to the One God to deliver me from
those that would do me harm. I didn't
expect Him to be so straightforward, but I
thank and praise him for his aid during this
dark hour when I received a D minus from
Dr. Hogrief." Whether this is an isolated
incident, and the sole cause of the smiting,
is being investigated by the RCMP at this
time. Rumoured incidents of greed, lust,
sloth, envy, gluttony, vengeance, vanity,
and of 'generally being an asshole', have
been reported to investigators of the case.
"This is only the beginning, " God said
when asked by the 432 about the sudden
return to Old Testament agenda of dealing
with heathens, "I have subscribed to the
theology of passive resistance for nigh two
millennia now, and look what it has
brought upon the world. Deceit, lust and
the evolutionary theory to name but a few
of the many and multifarious sins perpetrated by Man whilst I was stayed my hand.
I am saying here, from the top of every
mountain, echoing from the wall of every
vmkT KetfToN R&MJLY p«»ve*ED.
valley, and shaking the very foundations of
all this world's cities that God is back in
town and he ain't taking nothing from
nobody. It is not time to beat your plows-
hears into swords, it is the time for me to
be layin' the Smitedown upon all their heathen-asses. All this sinin', all this infidelin',
stops right now! Now, who's your deity?"
432 Reporters then replied that "You my
deity God, you my deity!" and continued to
praise God as they quickly exited the Holy
Temple before The Father could remember
the countless blasphemous remarks made
towards him in the paper over the past
seven years.
UBC President Martha Piper has
expressed her "shock and dismay" over
God's treatment of one of her faculty members.
"There is procedure to be followed here,"
said Piper in her afternoon press meeting.
"One cannot simply expunge the life of a
math professor, Diety or no Diety. For
God's, uh, gosh sakes, there's still the peer
review process and Senate meeting even
before tenure can be removed, let alone his
Dr. Piper's sentinments were echoed by
Vice President Academic and Provost,
Barry McBride.
"Having been a dean of science, and a professor at this institution, I wouls sincerely
hate to be smote by the Mighty Hand of the
Lord, He who is our God, just because
some students expressed a beef about one
of my examinations," said McBride, just
before kneeling and proclaiming "Hail,
King of Kings, Lord of the Hosts, Most
High and Holy Lord."
Hogrief is survived by his wife Diana and
two children, Ashley, 14 and James, 3. God
has yet to comment as to whether he is
considering smiting them as well.
A memorial service is planned for Dr.
Hogrief in War Memorial Gym next Tuesday. Those attending are reminded they do
so at their own peril. When asked if the
RCMP is planning on placing charges on
Childers or his associate, The Almighty,
Constable Douglas Trousdale replied "Are
you kidding?! Look what happened to the
last guy who messed with either of them?
And exactly how are we supposed to get
God into the courthouse? Anyway, the incident occurred on UBC property, and is
therefore under the jurisdiction of Campus
Security. Let them go to hell over this."
Campus Security has declined to go to
Grizzlies Saved by
Fan's Call In
K SWEA* Vtottf>.
Vancouver (AP)
The Vancouver Grizzlies are 6-0 in the
past two weeks after General Manager Stu
Jackson acted on the suggestion of a local
fan during the post-game call-in show and
traded Shareef Adur-Rahim, the team's
Most Valuable Player for the past three
"I always go into these shows ready to
learn from the fans," Jackson said at the
press conference last week after announcing he had traded Adur-Rahim to the Golden State Warriors, "And after analyzing the
past 439 suggestions that had been made
to me by fans, I found them to be valid suggestions, but not in the best interests of the
"However, on the 440th, there was a gem
of true innovation towards the game of
The 440th suggestion made towards Jackson was made by Joe Shobroy, a drywaller
from Burnaby.
"Well, the way I saw it," Shobroy started
as he took over the mike, "This pretty boy
had been scoring, but hadn't been doin'
[manure] on defence and he was reportedly a greedy [making love] and stirrin'
[manure] in the locker room. So I says
[making love] this [manure] right up the
[donkey], let's drop this [person of colour]
right on his [donkey] and get some hard
workin' boys and get our [donkeys] in
"Mr. Shobroy's comprehension of the
game of basketball is amazing and the
entire Grizzlies organization owes him a
dept of gratitude for finding the fault in
what we had been doing for the past five
years." Jackson complimented Shobroy as
the two met reporters today, "We always
knew we had a quality product on the
court.' We weren't just bullshiting the fans
with claims of this being the year, for the
past three years."
The revitalized Grizzlies, fresh off a 108-
92 win over the L.A. Lakers, are now considered very much in the playoff picture.
The first time they have been considered in
such a position after the first week of the
season.  22 January 2001
Page Three
Volume Fourteen
issue Eight
22 January 2001
Mitochondrial DNA
Jay Garcia
Catalytic RNA
Andy Martin
Chris Weston
Printed by
Coilege Printers, Vancouver, BC
Josh Bowman
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Jake Gray
Jo Krack
Andy Martin
Kat Scotton
Reka Sztopa
Sherry Yang
Web Sites
Legal Information
The 432 comes to you from the
depths of our tortured souls. Many
poor, innocent virgins were sacrificed to Beelzebub, our Great Lord,
in the pursuit of completing this
Actually, none of this is true, as it is
difficult to find a virgin on this campus, except, perhaps, in CompSci,
but none of us want to touch one of
those nerds.
Nerds! Nerds! Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrds!
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Fade to G ray
Jake Gray
On Penicillin since 1965!
Please Jake, Please write something, I
am so screwed!" exclaimed the
strange Buddha like apparition that
was floating two feet above my bed Sunday morning.
I am not normally prone to such apparitions so I decided that now would be a
good time to wake up. This proving to be a
prudent course of action I decided that I
should go up stairs to the toilet before my
morning constitutional. This also proving
to be a prudent course of action, and feeling to be on a roll, I decided to go for a
walk on this brisk winter Vancouver
Finding that I had not yet clothed, bathed
or fed myself I decided that my roll was
over and that I should relinquish control
of myself back to my subconscious which
is usually much better at dealing with
these kind of day to day issues.
Life for the most part has been strange
for me in the past few weeks, well past few
months. I just returned from a long trip
through several parts of the world and will
not bore you with the insignificant details
that are the hallmark of most travel stories. I will however bore you with the ways
in which one has difficulty readjusting to
life after having spent months not knowing where I am going to sleep tonight, or
where or what I am going to eat tonight,
or am I going to be able to shower this
Firstly, apparently I no longer maintain
the same sense of hygiene I so graciously
enjoyed a half year ago. But honestly, do
we really need to shower everyday? And
what harm is a little fungus between
friends. I suppose if I wait, this rash is
probably going to go away	
I think that for the most part our western
preconception of what is clean is a bit haywire. Don't misunderstand me, I like a
nice hot shower as much as the next guy
or girl, but do we really need to spray the
public phone receiver before talking? Isn't
that what the immune system is for, to
deal with all the little shit that the air,
water, and dirt around us has to offer.
Secondly I appreciate little things around
town that I never noticed before, like the
awesome view of the North Shore when I
drive down Cambie, or the fact that when
I finish eating an apple there is a garbage
can within a few metres to throw the core
As for the mild hallucinogenic dreams
and visions I've been having, I am currently attributing them to late night
chamomile tea, inactivity, and some sort
of latent psychosis from my many late
nights trying desperately to graduate from
this god-forsaken institution of so-called
learning. I suppose I have learned how to
deal with problems myself, 'cause god
knows students aren't going to get any
assistance from the Man.
I'm not bitter or anything. I just can't
wait till the phone calls start ringing from
the university asking alumni for donations. Pardon, you would like me to contribute something back to the University?
Ha Ha HA HA! What is this some kind of
Back to Western concepts of clean, I am
glad to note that there are a few places of
interest where the notions of hygiene still
fail to apply, like the men's washroom in
Hennings perhaps. The foul stench of a
thousand camel drivers coming in for the
annual camel fair is currently wafting
down the hallway into our little den of
That added to the strange, yet not so
unpleasant, smells emanating from the
twelve foot pit in the floor are enough to
take me right back to that lovely dawn
boat ride on the Ganges. There is nothing
like a corpse floating by to really make
your breakfast start its own revolutionary
party based on the ideals of free love, free
education and free digestive juices.
Thirdly, I have grown to appreciate Canada's slow, over priced, under serviced yet
mostly universal health care system.
Because after spending time away, it is
nice to get massage therapy, colon cleansing and a five hour information session on
tropical intestinal parasites paid for the
tax system.
any and all of the above mentioned procedures are probably the cause of Jake's
severe hallucinations, while it is true that
I am occasionally desperate for publish-
able articles to place within this rag, I
would never resort to psychic manifestations or other forms of editorial blackmail.
actually, it's really easy to get Jake into
the office, just promise him a few hours
on a computer with a Ti connection and
Unreal Tournament — ed
Rome Wasn't Burnt in a Day
WHs   Jay Garcia
t*A. -v  Fiddling Madly
The downfall of Modern Man
I used to believe that eugenics and the
practical application of Social Darwinism was morally reprehensible and
totally inexcusible.
I was younger and naive, then. As I've
grown older, I've found that my threshold
for idiocy has waned considerably. Whenever I used to be confronted with all forms
of mentally disruptive stupidity, I used to
shrug, smile, and absently walk away from
the problem.
Then again, I used to be under the influence of a lot of alcohol and proscribed
chemicals back then. As the anti-drug commercials say, they do make you prone to
behaviour that you would normally consider foolish and utterly unfathomable.
When I started this entire "taking my academic career seriously" business, one of
the side effects was the precipitous drop in
my consumption of said soporiphics. This,
in turn, has raised my awareness of my
local environment. While there's something to be said about heightened perception (visions of that really awful show "The
Sentinel" aside), there remains the fact
that you end up noticing the idiocy of people around you.
Like the moron in the BMW who sits in
the intersection, indicating a left turn, and
then manages to lose the balls to actually
perform the turn, resulting in the fact that
he's blocking at least two lanes of traffic.
He then tries to rectify this situation by
backing up, which is no longer really possible, as your car now sits right behind the
crosswalk line.
Confronted with a situation like this, what
would you do? Honk the horn? Try to get
around and away from him? Or roll down
the window, screaming hoarsely "Mother-
lvin' son of a bitch! It's illegal to back up
through a crosswalk!"
For those of you who know me, the last
answer is, of course, the one that I would
choose. This is because of that aforementioned low tolerance to idiocy.
As an aside, it turns out that the Finns also
have a similar low tolerance. Their police
cars are armed with harpoons trailing a
high-test steel cable. What they do is shoot
the damn things into offending vehicles
(those fleeing crime scenes, parked illegaly,
or otherwise involved in some form of
moving violation). Once they're buried into
the body frame, the cops shoot thousands
of volts through the cable into the harpoon,
and into the target, shorting out their
engines and incapacitating the perps.
I've been in contact with parts of the
Finnish police for one of these units, and
the appropriate conversion kits for a
Honda Civic. The talks are going surprisingly well.
Mind that Volvo, what Volvo, Splat
On the subject of cars, it's come to my
attention that my beloved little Honda
Civic is a little, well, underwhelming. It's
kinda like owning this .terribly useful,
earnest, and hard-working little person
who, on occasion, totally craps out on you.
The engine floods easily, and often at gas
stations. The starter draws too much
power. The battery, quite frankly, is one of
those purchased from BCAA during an
emergency and hasn't actually since been
replaced by a real battery.
The end result is that I've got a car which
basically embarasses me on occasion. It
doesn't help when souped up Neons are
burning past me on the I95.
So, living in Richmond as I do, it was only
a quick hop, skip, and a stall to the Richmond Auto Mall.
If you ever want proof that the worship of
Satan is alive and well in our British
Columbian heartland, one visit to the Rich
mond Auto Mall will make you a believer.
The sheer desperation, the smell of burning oil, the impenetrable contract legalese
whenever a person signs their soul away in
order to purchase a car: surely this is hell.
However, the devil would be a poor salesman if he couldn't coerce people into voluntarily giving away their souls; after all,
you catch a lot more flies with honey than
with vinegar.
So it is at the auto mall. Their Volvos
seduced me, all red and sporty, those little
I've got it in me to purchase an S40; that
should keep me happy until my upcoming
"early thirties crisis" forces me to buy
something that asserts my masculinity
from range, like an SUV, or a Hummer, or
a modified 18-wheeler / camper van.
So Mabel, She Says to Me...
Reka often says that I have anger management issues. I disagree with her. I
manage my anger fairly well by expressing
it in short, sharp bursts of well-regulated
I say, the proper expression of anger is an
art form. You just can't go postal and ventilate the surrounding area with an
Armalite AR10 gas-carbine automatic pistol. It just doesn't do to pump high-caliber
rounds into people just because you're
ticked off, largely because it's terribly
impersonal. A good rage requires focus,
dedication, and the utter willingness to act
upon your anger when the moment
People get pissed off at me when I vent,
but, odds are, they are vicariously living
through the Walking Id that I have
become; I say what they, in their heart of
hearts, want to say. Unbridled emotion,
unfiltered and expressed.
Man, I can't wait 'til I g et my Honda-
mounted harpoons. I'll be able to
"express" myself at idiot BMW boys... Page Four
22 January 2001
Drunken Philosophy
Josh Bowman
One Dead Artsie
Ahhh, the 432. A paper which defies
description; a veritable cornucopia
of criticism, melange of madness,
and whorehouse of humour. On Friday
night, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting perhaps my favourite 432 writer, the
esteemed Mr. Andy Martin. I verily
swooned when he told me that, and I
quote, "I haven't been this drunk for 3
weeks...I mean 3 months!" His poetic
words prompted me to rush towards the
SUS office, surrounded by science students, to spew my vomitous thought onto
their brand new computer. Oh, by the way,
I'm an Arts student. And not even an Arts-
but-pseudo-science-student (like political
SCIENCE or SCIENCE fiction, if that is a
real faculty. Which it isn't); I'm a philosophy major. Philosophy, in my opinion, is
the greatest discipline of all time. The
downside is that in roughly 2-7 years, when
I graduate, I will be using my BA in philosophy to poke people for money while mumbling to myself and my imaginary friend
Larry on Robson street.
The   upside,   however,   is  that   I   am
immensely enjoying my classes. Where else
can some obnoxious spiky haired kid in the
back row ask "when I was a child I played
with fire trucks, and realized that red is the
colour of nothing and therefore I am nothing because I wear red and so isn't Socrates
wrong?" without getting smacked upside
the head for being a jerk? Philosophy has
taught me how to be ponderous and
strange. Now, when somebody asks me if I
want apple juice or water to drink, I answer
something like: "in another sense, don't
you mean that every choice I make is
causually related to the total level of evil in
the world, and that consequently my mind
is as a smoke-filled battlefield, such that
each arrow...bla, bla, bla...capitalism?"
Philosophy has also taught me how to be
impractical. I recall last semester chatting
with a friend outside a class on Plato (no,
that's not salty, moldable
goodness...mmmmplaydoh), and realized
that I had to use the "facilities". Unfortunately, while pondering Plato's theory of
the soul, I managed to walk myself into the
women's "facilities". Without any pants.
Wearing a sign that said "there's only one
reason why women have knees." Well, now
I have no balls and I'm in traction, and I've
learned a valuable lesson: don't fuck with
the UBC Physics Society's
Paper Airplane Contest!
12:30 Thursday January 25 Hennings 200
Prizes for:
v accuracy
• distance
"*k v creativity
Science Swag for Sale!
Beer Muo 33.00
Make sure to stop by the SUS display booth in SUB to order your
Science sweatshirt, and grab some cool Science swag!     x
Keri Gammon
Reka Sztopa
Internal VP
Ajay Puri
External VP
Sherry Yang
Jag Dost
D of Finance
Chris Weston
D of Publications
Sara Stamm
Sports Rep
Adam Mott
Public Relations Officer
Katharine Scotton
Social Coordinator
Timothy Chan
Science Senator
Science Sales Manager
Sameer Wahid
Jay Garcia
Editor of the 432
Scarlett Yim
General Officer
Jaisun Garcha
General Officer
Janel Casey
General Officer
Anna Orzechowski
General Officer
May Tee
First year rep
Juliana Lam
First year rep
Theresa Liao
Science One rep
Lana Rupp
Coordinated Science rep
Jason Elliott
Biochemistry rep
Paul Dhillon
Biology rep
Sameer Wahid
Chemistry rep
Mike White
Computer Science rep
Kristin Lyons
Earth&Ocean Sciences rep
Adam Wright
General Science rep
Dan Anderson
Geography rep
Corisande Baldwin
Integrated Science rep
Jason Chuang
Math & Stats rep
Tommy Gerschman
Microbiology rep
Julia Haber
Pharm & Physiology rep
Benjamin Warrington
Physics & Astronomy rep
Natasha Szucs
Psychology rep
AIMS rep
Ryan Morasiewicz
Gloria Wong
Biosoc club rep
Charles Lo
BPP club rep
Linda Miller
Chem club rep
Warren Cheung
CSSS club rep
Adrian Mitchell
Dawson club rep
General Science club rep
Viktor Brumovsky
Geography Students Assoc
Anna Voeuk
Integrated Sciences Assoc
James Dai/Andrew Ho
Math club rep
tigger_bu@hotmail.com / andho@inter...
Chris Gin
MISA club rep
Karene Chu
Physsoc club rep
Peter Sidhu
Pre-Dental club rep
Aaron Baxter
Pre-Medical club rep
Greg White
Pre-Optometry club rep
Nadine Ho
PSA club rep
Alan Warkentin
SOS club rep
Kenneth Kwok
STORM club rep
We are now located
in Hennings 102.
Come check out the
new office and use
our $0.05
photocopier, $0.75
pop, free water,
free phone, free
computers, comfy
couches, cool
people, and your
friendly SUS Exec
and Councillors! See
below for office
hours and contact
Charles Lo
Nadine Ho
Ken Kwok
Nadine Ho
Ken Kwok
Chris Gin
Anna Voeuk
Timothy Chan
Jason Elliott
Lana Rupp
Linda Miller
Jason Chuang
Theresa Liao
Kristin Lyons
Janel Casey
Tommy G.
May Tee
Natasha Szucs
Karene Chu
Viktor Brumsky
Keri Gammon
Jaisun Garcha
Alan Warkentin
Julia Haber
Sara Stamm
Mike White
Sherry Yang
Juliana Lam
Aaron Baxter
Mike White
Chris Weston
Ben Warrington
Scarlett Yim
Adam Wright
Kat Scotton
Andrew Ho
James Dai
Reka Sztopa
Ryan M. 22 January 2001
Page Five
The 432's Guide to Campus Politics
These people support the two fundamental goals of
UBC students not interested in heading to Medical
School: Beer and Sex.
Anyone who supports getting drunk and laid can't be
all bad. However, they are artsies, and may carry any
number of scary, infectious diseases. Remember:
Forewarned is forearmed!
. S J      - ,-    i
*£■** ^fc *f '*        /
Action Nude started out as a joke slate, and while we
at the 423 normally favour such moves (many of us
used to be members of the Radical Beer faction), we
find that any slate which runs as a joke, but doesn't
have the co Jones to put their names on the ballot are
basically either campaigning out of megalomaniacal ego,
or are too timid to step up to the plate.
r. • ' * A. Jl
Evil! Evil! Impolite and Evil! Still Evil after all these years!
Students' Voice used to be called Action Now; you have
to wonder what prompted the name change. Perhaps
the fact that Action Now's mercenary, and annoyingly
left-wing tactics left a bad taste in most people s
mouths, much like the bad East Hastings pot these
guys must be smoking.
<n   =     *■■   .Tfc*
"Student politics is so terribly vicious, largely because
the stakes are so low". I really think that that statement
sums up this slate. While I laud the sentiment of "doing
something for your fellow man", I really don't think that
a political office is the appropriate place to be doing
that. Remeber: politics is too important to be left to
J! isefther a serious slate that ended up as
a joke slate due to inattention, or it was the unholy
union of too much alcohol and way too much free time.
As it is, this slate smacks of the antics of a bunch of
Frat boys who decided that politics might be a good
way to get laid. Psst... reference the Arts County Fair
slate, but bring a condom.
These people are running for various positions on AMS
council. They are not part of a slate. They are either
very, very brave by rejecting the traditional structure
of campus cronyism, or they just forgot to hand in
their nomination forms on time, and were forced to go
it alone.
Either way, we remember them with the Roman
Gladiatorial salute: For those who are about to die, we
salute you!	
High Fashion in Low Society
Jo Krack
...On the catwalk
For this issue of the 432,1 felt ready to
tackle more mature topics, such as
spam and its uses in Engineering (no,
no, not the ol' standby for the lonely single
geers...). Instead, glaring fashion crimes
have pissed me off enough to write about it.
So here it is: the New UBC Dress Code for
1. Commerce Students: There are colours
other than black and grey out there. Try
them. I see some of the more daring among
you experimenting with brown, but that's
not good enough! Every time I am forced to
enter the Angus building all the black and
grey makes me want to kill myself... how do
you people stand it? A note of caution:
When adding colour, start slowly or the
sudden infusion of colour to your drab
dreary lives may burn your eyeballs.
Also, try a little bit of variety; leading psychologists say individuality may actually
have some benefits! Yes, I know that in
your future careers you will work with
clones and will imitate their style to the
best of your ability, but you're in school
right now! You're not supposed to have to
conform to a dress code!
Note on variety: it's hot individuality if
you copy everyone else. Case in point: mini
stuffed animals on keychains hanging from
book bags. Why do all you Commerce students (and some Artsies) have the exact
same ones? Did you all buy them from the
same store? That does not make a very
good statement about your individuality!!
If I hang a stuffed animal from my backpack at all, it will probably hang from a little noose, not a keychain... It may be disturbing, but at least it will be all Jo.
2. Clubbers: Some of you are under the
mistaken impression that "Buchanan" is a
hot new venue where you can dance and
drink starting from 8:30 a.m.! Hate to
break it to you, but UBC is not a nightclub.
Tight pants will only make it uncomfortable to sit down, which is probably why I
see so many clubbers shifting in their seats
(waiting for the music to start, perhaps?).
Short, tight clothing may make you better
to look at, but frankly it's early in the morning, we're all hung over and tired anyway,
and if we want to pick up clubbers we'll go
to a club. So relax already. Get in touch
with your dinner slob. Since UBC is also
not a high school, you are free to wear
jeans, shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, and
clothes that do not restrict your air
supply to the brain. Your socks need not
match, and any diets should quickly be
given up.
Special note: Those of you who have spent
two hours apiece on hair and
makeup (and I'm not just speaking to the
ladies, here!) simply have too much time
on your hands and should try studying now
and then, especially if you're here on
Daddy's account.
In short: quit dressing up, because you
make the rest of us look bad and some of
you should not be wearing revealing clothing.
3. Engineers: Just because you're forced to
wear tacky red jackets does not make you
lumberjacks. Try patterns other than plaid.
And just because your department has a
shortage of females does not mean that you
can throw away all rules of decency completely... put your pants back on, please,
even on Fridays!
4. Computer Science Students: One pocket-protector per pocket, please. That is all.
5. People With Messages Across Their
Asses: Some of you should be commended
for giving the rest of us a reason to stare at
your booties! ("Er, I'm not ogling you, I'm
trying to make out what your pants say.
H..K..I..N.. Wait, that doesn't have enough
vowels; I don't get it. Just give me a few
more min- OW!") The rest of you just look
6. Goth Students: Your wacky dark fashions continue to provide a source of endless entertainment. Keep it up, "Children of
the Night"!
7. Over-Pierced Students: Please leave
some skin visible on your face.
Otherwise your appearance can be quite
distracting, not to mention the feet that I
can't seem to hold on to my magnets
around you people.
8. Over-Priced Students: If your socks and
braces have blinking Tommy
Hilfiger LEDs, you're probably giving
some company way too much free
advertising. You might as well print "I'm
Insecure about Fashion" or "I
Spend Too Much on Clothing" or "Baaa"
on your shirts instead.
Now that I've insulted pretty much everyone, I'll close with the following fashion
1. Sweatpants are comfy. They don't have
to be washed that often, either! Bonus!
2. Jeans are like sweatpants, only stiffer.
Wear them when you wan^to feel dressed
3. Running shoes, especially hi-tops, are
the ultimate in comfort. You'll never wear
high heels again!
4. Blue is the safest colour, but I think
you've all figured that out. Oh, and remember: dark colours hide stains and don't
have to be washed as often!
So go out there are get comfy. Socks need
not match, clothes need not fit. Basically,
whatever is comfortable and can be picked
off the floor and slipped on in under 45 seconds, goes. Because remember: if everyone
lowers their standards, well all be a lot
happier. But please: remember to shower. i>
11:30 - 250
SUB Concour*: c
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102!
4:30 - 7:00
Movie Night
Woodward IRC 2
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
S Dc
SUS Open
Chemistry Magic Show
Chem B15G
12:30 - 1:30
Beyond First Year
SUB Ballroom
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102
AIMS Presents:
Stress Lecture
Woodward IRC 5
Chemistry Magic Show
Chem B150
Physsoc Paper Airplane
Hennings 200
Science One Scrambled
Eggs Egg Drop
Ine Table
LSK 460
%__? l__i |j "!__. I     |%s»Wcz>
Club DispSct {«-
SUB Concot ■ p
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102
4:30-7:00 _
Beyond the B.Sc.
oodward Coin, course
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102
IZ'jU "~ Z'jU
SUB South Plaza
8:00 - 12:00
III rliil
Bit Naked
*ed rung ana
SUES- Tlcketmastei Would like to thanks
Platinum Level:
Gold Level:
K^^^WlSKI: ?<*k
*W- -"■■.;.■■■■.'.;:*• '■',   ..-.■' ' .-.-4 :-.-i.^"j"WiiS!
Silver Level:
U6C Bookstore
Purple Onion
Planet Laser
Vancouver Opera
Seahorse Products
Bazaar & Novelty
Donation Level:
$200 - $499
Blarney Stone Purdy's Chocolate
AMS Food & Beverage Future Shop
McDonalds 195
Science World Kits on Broadway
Special Thanks
Jian Centre Wett Bar
Stone Temple Cabaret Office Depot
Hagen's Travel & Cruises Page Eight
22 January 2001
Delis, Dweebs and Dumbass >ASX5!fs
Kat Scotton
Must Agree!
Sol was reading the nEUSpaper today
and I read the article about basement
suites and the preppy little area we
live in.
How I must agree!
I live right on the outskirts of UBC in a
basement suite in wonderfully posh Point
Grey. I've also had the opportunity of
working in this area. Now, I must mention
that not everyone in Point Grey is a stuck
up rich priss, just some. Last year, while at
school, I worked at a small deli and restaurant just off campus. It was a convenient 8
minute walk from my house and the hours
weren't too bad, plus I got tips from the
restaurant patrons. So this quaint little deli
that I worked at had many regulars. I
enjoyed these people for the most part.
They understood that our deli served meat
and eggs breakfasts, sandwiches, fries,
soups, and salads, nothing really too fancy.
The regulars usually asked about school,
and life, and even if we didn't know each
other's names, it was usually nice to see
them. Then there were the posh Point
Greyers who thought they would 'slum it'
for a while and check out my deli. These
people generally annoyed me. They were
rude, demanding, and our menu wasn't
good enough for them. They wanted things
cooked differently, low fat options, or items
we didn't even have on the menu. Then
after busting my ass to make the customers
happy, the snobs wouldn't even tip. Cheap
ass bastards. Luckily I didn't have to deal
with too many of these ignorant people.
Then there is the elderly. They are my
neighborhood grandparents. I still see
these people around a lot even though I
don't work at the same deli anymore. Like
the regulars, they ask me questions about
school, or little things they remember, like
how my cats are doing in Nanaimo, and
such. They will stop and talk for 15 minutes! "How's work? How were your
exams? Did you have a nice Christmas?"
It's all very sweet. My neighborhood
grannies seem to remember more about
my life, or at least are more interested in it
than my parents are. And these people are
old and getting senile! It's comforting to
know that among the Beamers and
Porsches there are some people around the
community that still care.
Now I'm working at the deli in my local
grocery store. I tend to get a lot more ignorant people there, like the time this woman
came in and was looking at the salad section. She looked at me pointing at the
selection and said, "I'll have 100 of those
'G' things of those." So I says 'pardon?', and
she repeated what she said, still not indicating which product it was that she wanted and obviously very confused over the
'G's.' So I politely asked her which product
it was that she wanted, starting to get a little frustrated with this woman.
She replied, "100 'G's... I... I want 100
'G's'... I'm American, I don't understand
what your 'G' things are." Stifling my
laughter, I told her that the 'G' things were
called grams and which product was it that
she was referring to. She then said, feeling
a little more confident, that she would like,
"100 grams of the green ones."
Now, very annoyed with this woman, I
replied, "So you would like 100 grams of
Sicilian olives?" And I proceeded to scoop
some olives into the little plastic container.
Then she stopped me and said, "No, I want
the brown ones, behind them." Fine. So I
got another container and pointed at the
"brown ones' and asked if it was the Cala-
mata olives that she would like. "Yes, 100
grams!" she said, very proud that she had
learned a new word that day. I asked her if
she wanted anything else, but she was
unsure, so I left.
Ahhh, then there are the rich people's
Ritalin chomping offspring. Lovin' them.
So here's my story on the yuppie kids:
mYk and I were downtown one night with
his friend Tove. I ran into them while wait-
ig in line for the Blarney Stone. It was a big
night of coincidences, and that's another
wacky story on it's own, but we ended up at
the bus stop on Granville after some food at
Denny's. It was then 2am and everyone
was waiting for a bus since the bars just
closed. So mYk and I hop on the #10, while
Tove gets on some other bus to go to her
place. Who else hops on this bus after 2am,
but 14-year-old boys that are loud and
obnoxious, and have been drinking. Yeah,
okay, what the fuck are you guys doing out
at 2am with Mommy's cell phone and
Daddy's money on Granville Street! So the
bus is packed and full of drunk people and
these bastard kids with expensive clothes
decide to start spray painting inside the
bus. That's just great. Now the bus stinks
even more. The bus was packed, so the bus
driver couldn't really see anything or do
anything about it. Finally people start
clearing out and the bus approaches my
area. The 14-year-old brats are still on the
bus. Where do the get off? 10th and
Sasamat area. Rich little Point Grey kids
out at 2am spray painting buses. I think if I
did that growing up, I would have been
shot. Parents around this area are too busy
to be parents. That's my opinion. They
send their kids off to soccer at 4pm and
then off to Scouts in the evening. By creating artificial parents in the activities they
send their kids too, the real parents are left
only to give the kids money or buy them
toys when they start complaining that so-
and-so from their class has one.
Point Grey is much too preppy. But I like
my neighborhood grannies.
• Vancouver's closest
outdoor field
• Safe, professional].* rtm
.  games
■ Weekend drop in games
-   -aaj size groups
. « Good fur parties.
stags, company outings
< Ptvniium rental
■ nciir.antifog masks
• Located in
■ Splashdown Park
i  complex
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J 22 January 2001
Page Nine
A Brief History of SUS...
2001 Edition
February 3, 1961 - Science and Arts are
divorced. A legend is born.
March 8,1962 - After a year of growing pains,
the Black Hand embarks on its first major project.
Claiming "if they can make a good cup of decaffeinated coffee, why can't they send a man to
Mars?" The project is undertaken by Science students Robert Goddard, Knostin Tsiolkovsky and
Werner von Braun.
March 16,1962 - The start of a grand tradition:
the Science double election. In the first ever SUS
Executive Election, irregularities force a recall.
November 15,1962 - After Science threatens to
enter the Chariot Race, both Engineering and
Agriculture withdraw. Due to the extreme boredom of racing alone, the Science juggernaut also
withdraws, allowing lesser faculties to compete.
Besides, the chariot track was too wide for three
October 30,1963 - In their first entry into the
Chariot Race, Science resoundingly defeats the
'Geers. Aggies are nowhere to be seen. The 'geers
cry foul, explaining "we helped them rebuild their
chariot after someone swiped pieces of it!"
February 4,1964 - As a Science Week stunt, Le
Main Noir overturns an A-53 Austin at the main
gates, using emergency flares to simulate belching
smoke. The effect is so realistic that the RCMP and
UBC Fire Department come out to congratulate
the pranksters. With some quick thinking from
the leader of the Black Hand, the officials are told
"We were just emphasizing the extreme danger of
driving at this corner."
14,  1965  -
becomes the
first faculty
to publish an
anti-calendar, the Black
and Blue
Review. Students are
polled on the
of courses,
profs, syllabus and
text. Not sur-
some profs
bitch, but a general improvement in teaching is observed
the year after.
October 21,1965 - The Chariot Race is normally a amicable event where rival faculties participate in easygoing competition. This year, however,
the 'geers are still stinging from the crushing
defeat delivered by SUS two years before. Halfway
through the event, the race degenerates into a
free-for-all. The Engineers bite off more than they
can chew, and receive the brunt of the damage.
Twelve 'geers are admitted to hospital, compared
with one Science casualty. In an act of amazing
brilliance, the 'geers consequently ban Science
from the Races, opting instead to compete against
the tamer faculties of Forestry and Agriculture.
January 4,1966 - Exposure to radiation in his
first year Physics lab causes William Brommel to
mutate from a normal Science student to an academically conscientious one. Symptons of genius
also lead to his triumph as the winner of the
Rhodes Scholarship.
January 20,1966 - Science Week is celebrated
with a legendary party, where gate crashing
The modern Science
Logo, designed by SUS
President Ryan MeCuaig
Mounties seize one Miss Candy Jones, the center
of attention, and charge her with committing an
indecent act. Police also seize one projector, but
are unable to locate any film.
February 11,1966
- The Black Hand
design the first-ever
human paperweight,
in the form of an EUS
Vice-President. Later
design modifications
include bent over
'geers, ostensibly to
"act as pen holders".
January 19,1967 -
During Science
Week, SUS buries a
time capsule, to be
opened in 2067, in
Main Mall outside the Chemistry Building. Unfortunately, one of the things not included in the capsule is Douglas Kenny, then Dean of Arts.
October 6, 1967 -'Geers srtip SUS First VP
John Taylor of his clothing and dress him in red
underwear. A call for vengence takes hold of SUS,
and amidst a display of fireworks and smoke, any
engineer unfortunate to be found in the vicinity of
Main Library is seized and thrown into the pond.
October 18,1967 - In an event reminiscent of
1966, police once again crash an event being held
in the new SUB Partyroom. SUS Executive deny
all knowledge of the event,~pointing out the room
was booked by the Young Businessmens' Club.
The first Black Plague is published.
November 12 -14,1969 - One small
prank for Science... The result of drunken debauchery during a field trip to
Florida, a NASA flag is filched from the
Mission Conference Room at Cape
Kennedy. This amazing trophy eventually vanished, presumably into the
depths of the Cheeze.
December 3, 1969 - SUS President
Ron Gilchrist, unable to find student
housing, decides to move into the SUS
Office with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, their hot plate starts a fire, which
destroys the office. The Dean of Science, none too pleases, shuts down SUS
until 1972
March 11,1981 - Dave Frank, elected
as SUS President, revives the Black
Hand, Chariot Races, SUS involvement
in Intramurals, and the long tradition of
incompetent presidencies.
1987 - The 432 is first published, starting a long
tradition of Science mocking everyone else on
November 5, 1981
team places third.
A revived SUS Chariot
February 19, 1982 - SUS celebrates the first
ever Science elections by once again holding a second one after the first was discovered to have a few
March 17, 1983 - SUS initiates fulfill their
pledge by painting the Cheeze a bright shade of
pink. Another issue of the Black Plague shocks
journalistic critics.
February 23, 1985 - Spring elections see the
rise of the Mustard Dynasty. The High Priest of
Ethanol, Ron Teljeur, erects his temple of twice-
montly insanity, The Underground.
1986 - A red station wagon is discovered impaled
on the Cairn. UBC declared an undergraduate-free
1992 - Carmen McKnight starts her reign of terror as SUS President, forcing SUS Executive and
Council members to actually fulfill all their duties.
March 24,1993 - The Back Plague is reincarnated, taking the form of The Ubyssex. Pictures of
carrots are displayed on the cover. Future issues of
the Black Plague also imitate the Underground,
still a temple of twice monthly insanity.
March 28,1994 - Firmly establishing the tradition of spoofing enemy campus papers, the Black
Plague masquerades as The Underground. The
free beer coupon for the Arts County Fair proves
to be an instant hit, with lineups at photocopiers
and entire stacks with the corner cut out.
Jan 15,1995 - President Ryan MeCuaig is handcuffed by four burly engineers, thrown into the
back of a waiting van and forced to endure a weekend with the Association of Engineering Women
on their annual road trip to Nelson, BC. Ryan's
appetite for pranks and politics wanes considerably from that point onwards.
April 1, 1995 - President Tracy MacKinnon
ascends throne for what proves to be a 2 year reign
0 f
TOT.       ^^™*» ■••'^"SB^.asMMis^iJra——1
SUS History, Oktoberfest featuring Junkhouse.
Advertising errors cause paying attendance to be
somewhere in the double digits. Event loses
$16,000. A good time enjoyed by all but the Director of Finance.
January 1999 -In
the AMS elections,
former Bloc Physsoc
and current SUS offshoot slate, the Radical Beer Faction
(RBF), spearheads its
campaign around
their charismatic
leader, and features
among its candidates
a traffic pylon running
for the Director of
Finance position. The
RBF loses by large
margin, but wins a
moral victory while
continuing in the tradition of spending large amounts of student money
to give away astounding quantities of beer.
October 1999 - Current SUS President Craig
Temple is found to have failed out the year before,
starting a chain reaction that would claim five
executives and sink multiple student political car-
errs. The following fraud and impeachment trial
leaves the undergraduate population's belief in
their figurehead shaken.
His replacement, Mikey Boetzkes, does little to
inspire new confidence in the society, but does
manage to liberate enough free alcohol to ease
overall tension in the faculty.
October 271999 - Challenged by the nefarious
editors of the rival newspaper The Underground,
the editors of The 432, John Hallett and Andy
Martin, -bet the pot limit' in a ratings war with
the Underground by sneaking into the AUS office
and posing for naked pictures with 5 still-anonymous women. In doing so, they scare all readers
off nudity for the next twelve months and traumi-
tizing the AUS so severely that they sterilize the
entire office, and are eventually forced to replace
their couches.
break into SUS
on several occasions. Various archives missing;
HD re-formatted. SUS rejoins the Chariot Race,
loses badly.
January 12, 1997 - SUS Security system
upgraded with land mines, bear traps and a hungry Rottweiler named Edward.
1997 - The 432 enjoys it's 10th anniversary by
being the most widely read non-pornographical
publication on campus. Giant 24-page issue is
October, 1997 - Current SUS Social Coordinator Mikey Boetzkes runs the most costly event in
October 25,2000 - The SUS office is forced to
move from it's
confines in the
bowels of the
Building to the
confining bowels of the Hennings Building.
UBC Chemistry Department's Safety
Record skyrockets to
heights not
seen in recorded history, and
Stores notes that
its losses of dry
ice and liquid
nitrogen are the lowest in years.
November, 2000 - Then-editor of the 432,
Bree Baxter, steps down amidst allegations of
impropriety. Long suffering SUS hack Jay Garcia
steps up into the position of interim Editor, all the
while frantically searching for a replacement. SUS
executive are forced to put up with his abominable
humour and penchant for high explosives.
January 22,2001 - The legend continues...
Present-day SUS at the AMS Whistler
Lodge. Page Ten
22 January 2001
Beneath the Planet of the Ramblings
Lick my lips!
On Science Week
well if you're reading this, i guess there is
a science week and not just underfunded,
broken, tired enthusiasm for 5 days, i'm
sure we'll pull it off. i saw bif naked and
liveonrelease at rock for choice last friday
and, like, can i tell you? they completely
rocked my ass. cold fusion is so going to
own. come and dance with me. friday the
26th in the sub ballroom, nighttime, i'llbe
the one walking around with a glass full of
bubbling orange liquid using the best pickup line for a university beer garden: "hi.
here, i mixed this drink especially for you."
On Cell phones And How They Will
Kill You
reported last week in the Sunday times in
the UK: cell phone use has now been conclusively linked with cancer of the... wait
for it. eyeball, the current theory for the
overwhelming correlation is that the
melanocyte cells in your eyeball are
more susceptible to the radiation
emitted by cell phones (yes, even
low-power digital phones,) and
since the eyes are less protected by
the skull than, say, your brain, this
is where the cancer forms, think
about it, kids! cell technology is
extremely new, and if these studies
are coming out now, just think
what kind of long term studies are
going to come out three years from
now! of course, it won't matter,
with a few exceptions, cell phones
are little more than a fashion statement for most people, and hey, if
your peers can convince you to
hold a little plastic thing up to your
head and talk into it, ignoring the
rest of the world and looking like
an idiot, i'm sure they can convince
you that pirate-style eye patches
and blindness are cool, too.
On The 22
a kitsilano haiku
the tears wet my chin
your SUV pollutes me
when will this fad end?
In My Inbox
the following is an email that i received
shortly after the last issue of the
fourthrirdytwo was published, you will not
understand it unless you read my article in
the last issue, this is why you must read
every issue of the 432 that comes out. multiple times, the actual email has been
chopped a bit to make it, um, funnier.
From rickthrust@sinfinity.nu Tue
Jan 16 00:24:52 2001
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 16:27:56 -
From: rick thrust <rickthrust@sin~
To: [myk's private email address]
hello myk.
the issue of the 432 I have strewn
beside me was published on the 10th
of January, sorry for the late reply
to your article, but I had my copy
of the 432 stuffed into the stack of
prOn in the bathroom, where it was
summarily forgotten.
anyway, congratulations on a superior expose of existential angst.
I'm sure it was superior since Jeremy vipond says so, although I didn't  actually  read  the 'article
myself. his informative email was
so true in all other respects, I
trust he was correct on this count
as well. and guess what? I too
have a penchant for wearing dark,
heavy, Victorian trenchcoats whilst
carrying oil burning lanterns,
maybe I can hang out with you guys
some time? however, I must object
to the use of the superlative in
describing the ladner exchange as
the "coldest, loneliest place on
earth" (myk, 6). my objection stems
from the fact that I can cite a one-
you see, in the summer I worked as
a security guard at the PNE, which
I might add is a hotbed of multicultural activity. I believe my
actual title was "Ineffective Young
Canadian Male with a Flashlight #2"
or something else of equivalent corporate [bull, cow]shit. In this job
I sometimes had the misfortune of
being assigned to gate i, where i =
1..N, and N is the total number of
gates present at any given time, of
course I wouldn't want to prejudice
against gate 1 or any other gate for
that matter, and in so doing so harm
your sensible non-racistness, so
please consider the above misfortune
elementary school friends, some of
them college friends, some of them
university friends, some of them
jail buddies, some of them workmates, some of them family, and
there were even a couple people
there by themselves, but regardless
of who they were, they all commented excitedly in multitudinous languages about the fair, my uniform,
my flashlight, the relative loveliness of the weather etc. this is
the gate you saw. as time came to
bear on (as it is unfailingly wont
to do) , however, all the fairgoers
left, and I was left with different
(but no less varied or statisically
multicultural) company, who else is
awake at this undesirable time?
[heroin, crack, beer, herb, tv, sex]
addicts and gangs whos members are
chosen specifically to satisfy rigorous statistical measures guaranteeing incredible variety in race,
age, gender and species of course!
so there was I, huddled and shivering in the intensely damning cold of
a Vancouver summer rainstorm, alternately bored stupid and threatened,
the boredom came from consecutive
hours of staring blankly across at a
gas station since I was too stupid
to be
hypothetically not against any
gate in particular, least of
all gate 1. anyway, this particular entrance to the PNE fairgrounds
is -situated on the corner of two
inoffensively named common east Vancouver streets. I don't have anything against east Vancouver, that's
just where they happen to be. I
don't even know why I mentioned it.
but I'm sure you've seen it. every
vancouverite has seen it. to be
fair, even some non-vancouverites
have seen it. what every [non]vancouverite does not see, however, is
gate i at time t (where t is some
unpleasant time of day, of which I
dare not say lest you find me to be
biased against a certain time of
day) from the vantage point of an
"Ineffective Young Canadian Male
with a Flashlight #2".
at this point you're thinking, so
what thrust, so you were outside
with your flashlight at some unspecified but surely unpleasant time of
day? besides, me and the [fe]male
of [small, medium, large] stature
crossed that intersection after we
left the veritable meltingpot of
multiculturalism, the PNE. it wasn't so bad.
well myk (and cheers for choosing a
gender-neutral inoffensively non-
race-related statistically variant
(although biased against vowels it
seems) moniker), my shift began
shortly _after_ you were there,
whenever that may have been, while
the intersection and environs thereabout and indeed even elsewhere (we
wouldn't want to leave other environs out) flowed with happily multicultural fairgoers, some of them
highschool friends,  some of them
Who's a Sexy Man, Then
Who's a Sexy, Sexy Man?
to think "gee I have to work at my
incredibly boring job tonight, mebbe
I should take a book (let's assume
I can read) or some music or some
heroin or some Vietnamese (food)."
and who threatened me but the
incredibly diverse and racially varied gang of No Fixed Address whose
sole Maxim in life is to publish a
smutty magazine aimed at teenage
males which combines compelling and
thoughtful editorial content with
images of anatomically correct
inflatable Caucasian females, but I
digress, the evil or not-so-evil
gangs also administer strangling
deaths to anyone who should so much
as hesitate to carry out their
demands.  a brief illustration:
"let me in." (I cleverly see
through their use of the codeword
'me', which really means 'us', since
gangs consist by their very nature
of a multiple number of people)
"no. phear my flashlight."
<strangling death>
I'm not being racist. whities
caused as much trouble. as we all
know, all heroin addicts are white,
anyway, these white heroin addicts
(a bit redundant, I know) injected
themselves as they crouched on the
bushes (which is tricky to do, for
those of you who have never tried
crouching on rather than in a bush),
then writhed for awhile oh the lawns
as the drug took effect, mess with
them and you soon find yourself in
danger of an angry, malnourished
rottwieler or a flung hypodermic
needle. leave them alone and
they're no trouble at all. as I
said above I was bored stupid, so I
did the stupid thing and messed with
I have written at length, and have
severely contracted your prOn viewing time. it's just that when I
read "send your existential angst"
(myk, 6) I thought I'd better cite
the page number as well just in case
the curious readers out there in 432
land might want to go back and reference the original article, and
well dang it, I know _I_ have a hard
time flipping through all 8 pages of
the 432 to find myk's writings, so
I'd better put in that page number
to save you all a lot of time. send
any rebuttals and/or scandalous pictures to myk.
confidential to myk: fuck you and
your politically correct anti-
racist crap you fucking pink-haired
average-height medium-build statistically variant male in the prime of
your life! ! ! what do you know about
racism, you multi-grain-bread eating artcourse-taking compsci student, you don't know what it's like
to be called "hey you" or "you over
there, the bland guy." at least I
have a vowel in my name, you hypocritical bastard! there. I said
it. yes, everyone, I think
now is the time to tell yo.u
all that myk is a genuine,
the-tooth bastard. hahahaha-
p.s. hey all your morons who
have to read your email via
telnet or ssh using services
such as interchange and can't
figure out how to use pop3 or
(shudder) imap! soon you'll
be able to read your email in
a _real_ client, such as outlook express! and guess who
paid to perpetuate stupidity
and dependence on the inherently easy to use and who-
the-fuck-cares about security
pop3?  I did!  yaay!
..thanks for writing my article, mr.
thrust, yum, what an Unnecessarily Sexy last name you have.
On Email - The Continuing Saga
check out www.my.ubc.ca! you can
read your interchange email on the
web! now even if you're too scared to learn
about consumer technology you can have
the reliability of interchange email and not
have cute drunk girls laugh at your @hot-
mail.com address at cold fusion! mang!
myk (myk432@hushmail.com)
/ love myk; he's such a goddamn shit-
disturber, and he has this strange, underground network of "shit-disturbing" cells,
who communicate clandestinely with
each other using a system of wires and
tin cans.
Ever seen "Fight Club"? It's kind of like
that, only with more talking, more computer-related nerdiness, and far less
soap, though the social engineering
aspect remains the same.
It's interesting the kind of devices
one can make out of common house-
ifone were so inclined. 22 January 2001
Page Eleven
Vox Populi o' SUS
Keri Gammon
Hello sports fans. Welcome to Science Week! I hope you'll take the
time to check out the club displays
and events planned for your enjoyment
and science pride! We'll be seeing you at
Cold Fusion with Bif Naked and crew - kick
ass. The whole wheat side of me feels compelled to tell you to have a safe and happy
time, but the frosted side of me wishes you
a night of drunken debauchery. In either
case, I'll be the one in gold pants screaming
out for the bands to play "Back That Ass
Up." Or then again, maybe not.
Until we meet again, may constant tail-
winds decrease your gasoline costs.
Chris Weston
Science Week is here! Make sure you
go and check out all the displays that
will be in SUB all week long, as well as
all the other events that will take place,
such as the Science Olympics and Beyond
the BSc.
I'm happy to say that we have two great
publications out this week. One of them
you are currently reading: the Science
Week Edition of The 432. We put this issue
of the paper out every year during Science
Week, and it has more content than the
regular issues. Browse through it to read
some great articles as well as to stay
informed about all the Science Week
events. The first issue of the year of Paradigm is also out now. The writers and editors have worked hard to get it out in time
for Science Week, so make sure you get a
chance to read that as well. Paradigm takes
a more serious look at science issues, so if
you are in the mood for some good reading
on interesting topics, Paradigm is for you!
Speakers, Drama, and Music
PANEL Science Faith & Society
with UBC Science Professors
Dr. Phil Hill,
Dr. Olav Slaymaker
Dr. Bart van der Kamp
Dr. Bert Cameron
Mechanical Engineering
Thursday, Jan 25 12:30pm
SUB Theatre
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Internal Vice-Prez
Reka Sztopa
SCIENCE WEEK! Yes, this week is Science Week so be sure to attend at
least one event to show your Science
spirit. Also, don't forget to catch Bif Naked
on Friday night at Cold Fusion!
I would like to say a huge thank you to the
First Year Committee for all of their hard
work in the past term and in advance for
everything they are doing for Science
Week. Your contributions do not go unnoticed. FYC has big plans for a canned food
drive and first year dance this term so stay
tuned and email me if you would like to be
In this issue of the 432 you will find contact information for all of the students who
represent you on SUS Council. Feel free to
contact us anytime if you have questions or
concerns or want to get involved. Remember, we represent you. Also, check out the
SUS office, Hennings 102, and visit us during our office hours.
Two final things. Executive elections are
fast approaching so keep reading the 432
for information and nomination forms. As
well, if you would like to be involved in
nominating and/or selecting candidates
for this year's SUS Teaching Excellence
Awards, please contact me at
See you all during SCIENCE WEEK!
Sherry Yang
Hey groovy Science students, Science
Week is here - and what a week it's
going to be. If you haven't had a
chance to go out and celebrate that Science
spirit and pride... well lucky you, here's
you're chance to do it! If there's one week
you should be loud and proud about the
fact that you are studying in the Faculty of
Science - this is
it! Check out all the events we have lined
up. It is going to be a full out blast. Alright,
enough shameless Science promotion.
How about you take a gander at my lovely
Science council minutes that are on our
new and improved website:
under 'council documents'?
I'm as proud as a peacock that the work I
pour my blood, sweat and tears into is
being displayed on a website - so I encourage you to take a moment to download a
file and help to fulfill a simple East Van
girl's dreams ;).
Come harass me about them in our SUS
office/lounge (open to each and every one
of you) in Hennings 102 - and grab some
free water and a cheap photocopy while
you're at it. Or take a seat on one of our
comfy couches as you wait for your lunch
toheat up in the microwave. So many reasons to come... don't be shy, come on by!
(how's that for a cheesy sales pitch?)
Gooooo Science!
Social Coordinator
Katharine Scotton
OLD FUSION! Get your tickets! $18
from Subcetera or Henn 102.
Featuring   Bif   Naked   with   guests
Crowned King and Liveonrelease.
We know where you live. Buy your tickets, or we'll bust your ass!
No minors.
she means it. and she's a mean shot
with a bottlecap, too. took out some poor
sod's eye at 30 paces — ed
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Free Desert
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www.thedukesrestaurants.com Page Twelve
22 January 2001
The First Rule of Kill Club...
Andy Martin
Tyler Durden
Ah, what an age we live in. An age
where technology layers on top of us
and separates us further and further
from the brutal reality of our physical
being. We have created so many technological extensions of ourselves that we are teetering on the edge of cyborganation. To
communicate, we reach for our cell phone
or our email, digital speech is our first
choice. More and more, all we ever accomplish at work exists only on a screen, and
stored only in a bunch of microchips and
applies only to a mainframe of other computers. Our days and memories are organized more by palmpilots then by our own
mind, and all we are to our governing bodies is what they see in the Excel spreadsheet. One glitch in any of these aforementioned technical marvels, and we are
Recent advances in medical science have
even been able to replace nerves with wires
and eyes with screens. But the mind inate-
ly doesn't like being isolated from physical
reality, and there's a backlash brewing in
all of us.
There is violence visible in every area of
our environment. There's violence in the
school, violence on the street, violence on
the roads, violence in the European soccer
matches, violence almost everywhere we
actually take the time to look for it.
Mankind believes themselves to be civilized, and above brute force. Bullshit.
We've been fighting with each other for the
dumbest reasons ever since we were classified as the kind-of-not-monkeys-anymore-
they-are species that evolved, through the
Grace of God, into what you see before you
Everytime I turn on the news, there's a
report of another case of —rage. It doesn't really matter what kind of rage it is,
does it? It's violence and it's in our modern
society. But there are a million kinds of
rage in the most peaceful places that the
media and special interest groups try to
categorize to make it all seem a simple
problem. Currently, they are some of the
most popular subjects on newscasts. Those
kind of rages are even battling each other
for popularity like bitchslappin' anorexic
hos. Right now, Air rage is in vogue, and
Road rage is on the way out. Desk rage is
trying to poke its head in and compete with
it's larger brothers, but needs another few
high profile cases to truly be a contender
for ratings. Every one, another case where
a seemingly quiet individual just burst
under some sort of personal pressure,
grabbed two of the most leathally-legal
weapons they could find, and started filleting everyone in their sphere of influence.
Just last Friday, our good editor, hopped
up on the fumes from all the new DVDs
he'd bought, walked up to me in a bzzr garden and told me: "Your homework tonight,
start a fight with someone, and win.'
Ah...all the meaningfulness of 'Fight Club',
but I get to win. Even better. I started
cracking my knuckles with anticipation.
Unfortunately, I didn't factor that the two
hours of strategizing would involve that
much alcohol. Soon enough, I had trouble
stringing any meaningful sentence together, making my prepared initial sabre-rattle
of 'Your dad gives your uncle lousy
blowjobs' rather futile. The need to look
after a suddenly ill companion fully called
off the drunken bloodbath that I so wanted.
I have got to set my priorities straight.
Of course, after I had looked after said
companion and stumbled back to the 432
office, I found said co-editor, sleeping on a
couch and rather red in the face, but not
from facial bruising or from the characteristic spray from the bursting of an opponent's spleen. Alcohol had again taken
precedence over bloodlust. I considered
kicking him off the couch and fighting him
right then and there. But, the fact that he
was rather passed out, the fact that he
fights rather dirty, and is rather of the right
height to be able to uppercut me in the
'heavy bag', deterred me from that course
of action.
And now, as I sit beside him, putting this
rather large issue together, I fear he may
turn on me at any second and release a
maiming barrage of body blows. This fear
is largely supported by the loud and fre
quent threats Monsieur Garcia has made to
myself, and to any who come near enough
to piss him off over the past few weeks.
I've always considered Jay a good friend
for a good many years, but there was one
instance when we came to blows. I asked
for it, but knew he needed it. I decided to
make a snarky comment while he was
under duress of the type I get all too often:
duress caused by the combination of others' incompetence/inconsiderateness and
of completely random events that meld
together to ruin your finely laid plans. He
warned me, but I knew he needed it, so I
made another. He put his head down and
bullrushed me. I was glad to be there for
him. During tribulations like that, any
release of pressure is needed like a sexually repressed Palestinian needs a jihad.
When I saw him the next day, he greeted
me with open arms and a hearty cheer, and
we shared many steins of mead before I
had to pull his head out of the hottub water
so he wouldn't drown.
But this finally brings me to my point.
Stress builds up. And it needs to be let out
in controlled bursts. If we just nicely smile
and nod and let the bad things keep happening, the stress is going to compound
inside and will come out in a way that we
can't control. This is what pushes people
over the edge and into freelance surgery.
The best way to deal with the stress, is the
obvious: to fight.
I would start a Fight Club, but the reality
of it is that it would be that only Jay and I
would attend, and this paper would never
get done. So, I find myself other release
valves, such as plugging the guitar in and
pounding some power chords 'till the windows rattle while yelling improv lyrics that
would make Eminem nauseous. Pisses off
the roommates something fierce.
A recent case of insomnia got the point of
what happens when stress is allowed to
stew in the psyche through in spades. God,
I hate insomnia. Of all the disorders I've
ever had in my brain, insomnia is the least
fun. Hell, even those minor concussions
I've had had a really cool effect. Kind of like
being drunk, but with tingly nostrils.
Insomnia just makes you really tired, irritable, and so moody that even PMS-
laden...um...ladies call me a bitch.
Insomnia would've been bad enough, but
the extra waking hours I spent staring into
the void of the mirror above my bed were
filled with vicious mental rants against all
those that are causing me the excessive
burden that I, by the standards of our modern society, didn't act on. This burden
would've been bad enough during daylight
hours without going into it at length every
sleepless night. Those sleepless, trying
rants would have never existed if I could
have just reached out with a good left hook
or just spoke my mind, instead of being
This is how ordinary people go insane.
Through the months of isolation I've experienced through my job (where the most
intelligent dinner conversation centres
around a centrefold and how the deckhand
would 'like to stick a fudgesicle up her ass,
wait five minutes and have her shit it back
in [his] mouth'), I've peered through the
keyhole into true insanity, and I fully
understand how it happens. People just
wind up with too much time on their
hands, and nothing to do with it but think
and contemplate themselves and their
lives. This gets depressing quickly, as even
the most successful of us have beefs with
our lot in life. Soon, you start talking to
inanimate objects and wearing your neighbour's scalp as a hat.
Think about this: Who would you trust
more working in the next cubicle, Bugs
Bunny or Mickey Mouse? I'd choose Bugs
any day. Why? Other than the fact that
Mickey is an irritating, squeaky-voiced
loser, and that Bugs would make office politics that much more interesting, Bugs is
probably much less likely to snap and take
me out in a hail of bullets. Bugs releases his
inner frustrations with large mallets and
harmless explosives every day (and his
non-lethal force is usually focused in retaliation to frustration, not on random targets). Mickey just flusters, and takes crap
with a sheepish smile. One of these days,
Mickey is gonna come into work, whistling
a merry tune with a minigun around his
waist and systematically mow down every
co-worker while screaming "73 years of
celibacy! Aw shucks Minnie! Take that, you
bitch! And that! And that!"
Well, if that didn't get the point across, I
don't know what will.
with guests
Crowned King
Prested by the Science
Undergraduate Society
Must be
to enter
Friday, January 16th, 2001
SUB Ballroom
8pm -12am, Doors at 7:30pm
Tickets: $18
Purchase from Hennl02
or in the SUB


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