@prefix edm: . @prefix dcterms: . @prefix dc: . @prefix skos: . edm:dataProvider "CONTENTdm"@en ; dcterms:isReferencedBy "http://resolve.library.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/catsearch?bid=1229713"@en ; dcterms:isPartOf "University Publications"@en ; dcterms:issued "2016-07-19"@en, "2001-01-22"@en ; edm:aggregatedCHO "https://open.library.ubc.ca/collections/the432/items/1.0000477/source.json"@en ; dc:format "application/pdf"@en ; skos:note """ VOLUME FOURTEEN ISSUE EIGHT ' ^* 22 January 2001 .'.■S'i";' <»£. off Editor^! Mildly rt|Uch more... 'Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them/ - Paul Valery God Smites UBC Math Professor Prof considered 'just generally evil1 by all 432Stqff Dr. Jake Hogrief, an esteemed professor of theUniversity of British Columbia's Department of Mathand Statistics, was slain late last Friday by what witnesses claim was 'a gigantic hand from the sky'. Acording to those on the scene, Dr. Hogrief waswalking from the Math Annex towards the Student UnionBuilding at about 5:15pm, when the clouds suddenly- parted, and a massive, glowing ethereal hand descendedfrom the sky to grab Hogrief and took him, kicking and screaming, into the heavens. At least one of the- witnesses was assumed to be both sober and not underthe influence of hallucinogens at the time of theincident. For lack of a better explanation, the titanic hand isassumed to be the hand of Our Lord God. The incident is believed by many to be in retaliationfor the Math 101 midterm Dr. Hogrief had marked andreturned to his students earlier that day. Many of his students were heard uttering oaths damning Hogrief as they left his classroom after receiving their resulting class average mark of 43%. One student inparticular, Mark Guilders, an active member in thePoint Grey Christian community, is claiming responsibility for the incident. "Much like the heroes of the Good Book, I was being beset on all sides by my enemies," Childers told reporters today, "And I prayed to the One God to deliver me from those that would do me harm. I didn't expect Him to be so straightforward, but I thank and praise him for his aid during this dark hour when I received a D minus from Dr. Hogrief." Whether this is an isolated incident, and the sole cause of the smiting, is being investigated by the RCMP at this time. Rumoured incidents of greed, lust, sloth, envy, gluttony, vengeance, vanity, and of 'generally being an asshole', have been reported to investigators of the case. "This is only the beginning, " God said when asked by the 432 about the sudden return to Old Testament agenda of dealing with heathens, "I have subscribed to the theology of passive resistance for nigh two millennia now, and look what it has brought upon the world. Deceit, lust and the evolutionary theory to name but a few of the many and multifarious sins perpetrated by Man whilst I was stayed my hand. I am saying here, from the top of every mountain, echoing from the wall of every vmkT KetfToN R&MJLY p«»ve*ED. valley, and shaking the very foundations of all this world's cities that God is back in town and he ain't taking nothing from nobody. It is not time to beat your plows- hears into swords, it is the time for me to be layin' the Smitedown upon all their heathen-asses. All this sinin', all this infidelin', stops right now! Now, who's your deity?" 432 Reporters then replied that "You my deity God, you my deity!" and continued to praise God as they quickly exited the Holy Temple before The Father could remember the countless blasphemous remarks made towards him in the paper over the past seven years. UBC President Martha Piper has expressed her "shock and dismay" over God's treatment of one of her faculty members. "There is procedure to be followed here," said Piper in her afternoon press meeting. "One cannot simply expunge the life of a math professor, Diety or no Diety. For God's, uh, gosh sakes, there's still the peer review process and Senate meeting even before tenure can be removed, let alone his life". Dr. Piper's sentinments were echoed by Vice President Academic and Provost, Barry McBride. "Having been a dean of science, and a professor at this institution, I wouls sincerely hate to be smote by the Mighty Hand of the Lord, He who is our God, just because some students expressed a beef about one of my examinations," said McBride, just before kneeling and proclaiming "Hail, King of Kings, Lord of the Hosts, Most High and Holy Lord." Hogrief is survived by his wife Diana and two children, Ashley, 14 and James, 3. God has yet to comment as to whether he is considering smiting them as well. A memorial service is planned for Dr. Hogrief in War Memorial Gym next Tuesday. Those attending are reminded they do so at their own peril. When asked if the RCMP is planning on placing charges on Childers or his associate, The Almighty, Constable Douglas Trousdale replied "Are you kidding?! Look what happened to the last guy who messed with either of them? And exactly how are we supposed to get God into the courthouse? Anyway, the incident occurred on UBC property, and is therefore under the jurisdiction of Campus Security. Let them go to hell over this." Campus Security has declined to go to hell. Grizzlies Saved by Fan's Call In K SWEA* Vtottf>. Vancouver (AP) The Vancouver Grizzlies are 6-0 in the past two weeks after General Manager Stu Jackson acted on the suggestion of a local fan during the post-game call-in show and traded Shareef Adur-Rahim, the team's Most Valuable Player for the past three years. "I always go into these shows ready to learn from the fans," Jackson said at the press conference last week after announcing he had traded Adur-Rahim to the Golden State Warriors, "And after analyzing the past 439 suggestions that had been made to me by fans, I found them to be valid suggestions, but not in the best interests of the organization. "However, on the 440th, there was a gem of true innovation towards the game of basketball." The 440th suggestion made towards Jackson was made by Joe Shobroy, a drywaller from Burnaby. "Well, the way I saw it," Shobroy started as he took over the mike, "This pretty boy had been scoring, but hadn't been doin' [manure] on defence and he was reportedly a greedy [making love] and stirrin' [manure] in the locker room. So I says [making love] this [manure] right up the [donkey], let's drop this [person of colour] right on his [donkey] and get some hard workin' boys and get our [donkeys] in gear." "Mr. Shobroy's comprehension of the game of basketball is amazing and the entire Grizzlies organization owes him a dept of gratitude for finding the fault in what we had been doing for the past five years." Jackson complimented Shobroy as the two met reporters today, "We always knew we had a quality product on the court.' We weren't just bullshiting the fans with claims of this being the year, for the past three years." The revitalized Grizzlies, fresh off a 108- 92 win over the L.A. Lakers, are now considered very much in the playoff picture. The first time they have been considered in such a position after the first week of the season. 22 January 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Three Volume Fourteen issue Eight 22 January 2001 Mitochondrial DNA Jay Garcia jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca Catalytic RNA Andy Martin troller2raven@yahoo.ca Dopamine Chris Weston Printed by Coilege Printers, Vancouver, BC Ketones Josh Bowman Keri Gammon Jay Garcia Jake Gray Jo Krack Andy Martin mYk Kat Scotton Reka Sztopa Sherry Yang Web Sites http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/ http://seercom.com/sus/432/ Legal Information The 432 comes to you from the depths of our tortured souls. Many poor, innocent virgins were sacrificed to Beelzebub, our Great Lord, in the pursuit of completing this issue. Actually, none of this is true, as it is difficult to find a virgin on this campus, except, perhaps, in CompSci, but none of us want to touch one of those nerds. Nerds! Nerds! Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrds! All views expressed in this issue are strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle thrice, and contain the author's name and contact information. Fade to G ray Jake Gray On Penicillin since 1965! Please Jake, Please write something, I am so screwed!" exclaimed the strange Buddha like apparition that was floating two feet above my bed Sunday morning. I am not normally prone to such apparitions so I decided that now would be a good time to wake up. This proving to be a prudent course of action I decided that I should go up stairs to the toilet before my morning constitutional. This also proving to be a prudent course of action, and feeling to be on a roll, I decided to go for a walk on this brisk winter Vancouver morning. Finding that I had not yet clothed, bathed or fed myself I decided that my roll was over and that I should relinquish control of myself back to my subconscious which is usually much better at dealing with these kind of day to day issues. Life for the most part has been strange for me in the past few weeks, well past few months. I just returned from a long trip through several parts of the world and will not bore you with the insignificant details that are the hallmark of most travel stories. I will however bore you with the ways in which one has difficulty readjusting to life after having spent months not knowing where I am going to sleep tonight, or where or what I am going to eat tonight, or am I going to be able to shower this week. Firstly, apparently I no longer maintain the same sense of hygiene I so graciously enjoyed a half year ago. But honestly, do we really need to shower everyday? And what harm is a little fungus between friends. I suppose if I wait, this rash is probably going to go away I think that for the most part our western preconception of what is clean is a bit haywire. Don't misunderstand me, I like a nice hot shower as much as the next guy or girl, but do we really need to spray the public phone receiver before talking? Isn't that what the immune system is for, to deal with all the little shit that the air, water, and dirt around us has to offer. Secondly I appreciate little things around town that I never noticed before, like the awesome view of the North Shore when I drive down Cambie, or the fact that when I finish eating an apple there is a garbage can within a few metres to throw the core into. As for the mild hallucinogenic dreams and visions I've been having, I am currently attributing them to late night chamomile tea, inactivity, and some sort of latent psychosis from my many late nights trying desperately to graduate from this god-forsaken institution of so-called learning. I suppose I have learned how to deal with problems myself, 'cause god knows students aren't going to get any assistance from the Man. I'm not bitter or anything. I just can't wait till the phone calls start ringing from the university asking alumni for donations. Pardon, you would like me to contribute something back to the University? Ha Ha HA HA! What is this some kind of joke?! Back to Western concepts of clean, I am glad to note that there are a few places of interest where the notions of hygiene still fail to apply, like the men's washroom in Hennings perhaps. The foul stench of a thousand camel drivers coming in for the annual camel fair is currently wafting down the hallway into our little den of evil. That added to the strange, yet not so unpleasant, smells emanating from the twelve foot pit in the floor are enough to take me right back to that lovely dawn boat ride on the Ganges. There is nothing like a corpse floating by to really make your breakfast start its own revolutionary party based on the ideals of free love, free education and free digestive juices. Thirdly, I have grown to appreciate Canada's slow, over priced, under serviced yet mostly universal health care system. Because after spending time away, it is nice to get massage therapy, colon cleansing and a five hour information session on tropical intestinal parasites paid for the tax system. any and all of the above mentioned procedures are probably the cause of Jake's severe hallucinations, while it is true that I am occasionally desperate for publish- able articles to place within this rag, I would never resort to psychic manifestations or other forms of editorial blackmail. actually, it's really easy to get Jake into the office, just promise him a few hours on a computer with a Ti connection and Unreal Tournament — ed Rome Wasn't Burnt in a Day WHs Jay Garcia t*A. -v Fiddling Madly The downfall of Modern Man I used to believe that eugenics and the practical application of Social Darwinism was morally reprehensible and totally inexcusible. I was younger and naive, then. As I've grown older, I've found that my threshold for idiocy has waned considerably. Whenever I used to be confronted with all forms of mentally disruptive stupidity, I used to shrug, smile, and absently walk away from the problem. Then again, I used to be under the influence of a lot of alcohol and proscribed chemicals back then. As the anti-drug commercials say, they do make you prone to behaviour that you would normally consider foolish and utterly unfathomable. When I started this entire "taking my academic career seriously" business, one of the side effects was the precipitous drop in my consumption of said soporiphics. This, in turn, has raised my awareness of my local environment. While there's something to be said about heightened perception (visions of that really awful show "The Sentinel" aside), there remains the fact that you end up noticing the idiocy of people around you. Like the moron in the BMW who sits in the intersection, indicating a left turn, and then manages to lose the balls to actually perform the turn, resulting in the fact that he's blocking at least two lanes of traffic. He then tries to rectify this situation by backing up, which is no longer really possible, as your car now sits right behind the crosswalk line. Confronted with a situation like this, what would you do? Honk the horn? Try to get around and away from him? Or roll down the window, screaming hoarsely "Mother- lvin' son of a bitch! It's illegal to back up through a crosswalk!" For those of you who know me, the last answer is, of course, the one that I would choose. This is because of that aforementioned low tolerance to idiocy. As an aside, it turns out that the Finns also have a similar low tolerance. Their police cars are armed with harpoons trailing a high-test steel cable. What they do is shoot the damn things into offending vehicles (those fleeing crime scenes, parked illegaly, or otherwise involved in some form of moving violation). Once they're buried into the body frame, the cops shoot thousands of volts through the cable into the harpoon, and into the target, shorting out their engines and incapacitating the perps. I've been in contact with parts of the Finnish police for one of these units, and the appropriate conversion kits for a Honda Civic. The talks are going surprisingly well. Mind that Volvo, what Volvo, Splat On the subject of cars, it's come to my attention that my beloved little Honda Civic is a little, well, underwhelming. It's kinda like owning this .terribly useful, earnest, and hard-working little person who, on occasion, totally craps out on you. The engine floods easily, and often at gas stations. The starter draws too much power. The battery, quite frankly, is one of those purchased from BCAA during an emergency and hasn't actually since been replaced by a real battery. The end result is that I've got a car which basically embarasses me on occasion. It doesn't help when souped up Neons are burning past me on the I95. So, living in Richmond as I do, it was only a quick hop, skip, and a stall to the Richmond Auto Mall. If you ever want proof that the worship of Satan is alive and well in our British Columbian heartland, one visit to the Rich mond Auto Mall will make you a believer. The sheer desperation, the smell of burning oil, the impenetrable contract legalese whenever a person signs their soul away in order to purchase a car: surely this is hell. However, the devil would be a poor salesman if he couldn't coerce people into voluntarily giving away their souls; after all, you catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar. So it is at the auto mall. Their Volvos seduced me, all red and sporty, those little tarts. I've got it in me to purchase an S40; that should keep me happy until my upcoming "early thirties crisis" forces me to buy something that asserts my masculinity from range, like an SUV, or a Hummer, or a modified 18-wheeler / camper van. So Mabel, She Says to Me... Reka often says that I have anger management issues. I disagree with her. I manage my anger fairly well by expressing it in short, sharp bursts of well-regulated violence. I say, the proper expression of anger is an art form. You just can't go postal and ventilate the surrounding area with an Armalite AR10 gas-carbine automatic pistol. It just doesn't do to pump high-caliber rounds into people just because you're ticked off, largely because it's terribly impersonal. A good rage requires focus, dedication, and the utter willingness to act upon your anger when the moment comes. People get pissed off at me when I vent, but, odds are, they are vicariously living through the Walking Id that I have become; I say what they, in their heart of hearts, want to say. Unbridled emotion, unfiltered and expressed. Man, I can't wait 'til I g et my Honda- mounted harpoons. I'll be able to "express" myself at idiot BMW boys... Page Four THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 22 January 2001 Drunken Philosophy Josh Bowman One Dead Artsie Ahhh, the 432. A paper which defies description; a veritable cornucopia of criticism, melange of madness, and whorehouse of humour. On Friday night, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting perhaps my favourite 432 writer, the esteemed Mr. Andy Martin. I verily swooned when he told me that, and I quote, "I haven't been this drunk for 3 weeks...I mean 3 months!" His poetic words prompted me to rush towards the SUS office, surrounded by science students, to spew my vomitous thought onto their brand new computer. Oh, by the way, I'm an Arts student. And not even an Arts- but-pseudo-science-student (like political SCIENCE or SCIENCE fiction, if that is a real faculty. Which it isn't); I'm a philosophy major. Philosophy, in my opinion, is the greatest discipline of all time. The downside is that in roughly 2-7 years, when I graduate, I will be using my BA in philosophy to poke people for money while mumbling to myself and my imaginary friend Larry on Robson street. The upside, however, is that I am immensely enjoying my classes. Where else can some obnoxious spiky haired kid in the back row ask "when I was a child I played with fire trucks, and realized that red is the colour of nothing and therefore I am nothing because I wear red and so isn't Socrates wrong?" without getting smacked upside the head for being a jerk? Philosophy has taught me how to be ponderous and strange. Now, when somebody asks me if I want apple juice or water to drink, I answer something like: "in another sense, don't you mean that every choice I make is causually related to the total level of evil in the world, and that consequently my mind is as a smoke-filled battlefield, such that each arrow...bla, bla, bla...capitalism?" Philosophy has also taught me how to be impractical. I recall last semester chatting with a friend outside a class on Plato (no, that's not salty, moldable goodness...mmmmplaydoh), and realized that I had to use the "facilities". Unfortunately, while pondering Plato's theory of the soul, I managed to walk myself into the women's "facilities". Without any pants. Wearing a sign that said "there's only one reason why women have knees." Well, now I have no balls and I'm in traction, and I've learned a valuable lesson: don't fuck with women. the UBC Physics Society's Paper Airplane Contest! 12:30 Thursday January 25 Hennings 200 Prizes for: v accuracy • distance "*k v creativity Science Swag for Sale! Beer Muo 33.00 Coffee Make sure to stop by the SUS display booth in SUB to order your Science sweatshirt, and grab some cool Science swag! x 1 SCIENCE COUNCIL 2000-2001 NAME POSITION EMAIL ADDRESS EXECUTIVE President kagammon@interchange.ubc.ca Keri Gammon Reka Sztopa Internal VP rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca Ajay Puri External VP apuri112@yahoo.com Sherry Yang Secretary sherryyyang@yahoo.com Jag Dost D of Finance jag517@home.com Chris Weston D of Publications wcweston@interchange.ubc.ca Sara Stamm Sports Rep sastamm@interchange.ubc.ca Adam Mott Public Relations Officer admott@interchange.ubc.ca Katharine Scotton Social Coordinator kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca Timothy Chan Science Senator timchan@interchange.ubc.ca OTHER Science Sales Manager wahid@interchange.ubc.ca Sameer Wahid Jay Garcia Editor of the 432 jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca YEAR/DEPARTMENT R EPS sluscious@hotmail.com Scarlett Yim General Officer Jaisun Garcha General Officer jaisung@home.com Janel Casey General Officer jbcasey@interchange.ubc.ca Anna Orzechowski General Officer annao@interchange.ubc.ca May Tee First year rep mctee@interchange.ubc.ca Juliana Lam First year rep juliana_y_t_lam@hotmail.com Theresa Liao Science One rep sci1_activity@hotmail.com Lana Rupp Coordinated Science rep l_rupp@hotmail.com Jason Elliott Biochemistry rep jeelliot@interchange.ubc.ca Paul Dhillon Biology rep paul_dhillon@hotmail.com Sameer Wahid Chemistry rep wahid@interchange.ubc.ca Mike White Computer Science rep michaelw@interchange.ubc.ca Kristin Lyons Earth&Ocean Sciences rep kristinlyons@home.com Adam Wright General Science rep gomacleo@hotmail.com Dan Anderson Geography rep psycho_dan@hotmail.com Corisande Baldwin Integrated Science rep corrie@infomine.com Jason Chuang Math & Stats rep jchuang@pobox.com Tommy Gerschman Microbiology rep tommydg@interchange.ubc.ca Julia Haber Pharm & Physiology rep jhaber@interchange.ubc.ca Benjamin Warrington Physics & Astronomy rep benjawar@interchange.ubc.ca Natasha Szucs Psychology rep natszucs@interchange.ubc.ca CLUB REPS AIMS rep ryanmor@interchange.ubc.ca Ryan Morasiewicz Gloria Wong Biosoc club rep wayne_wong@telus.net Charles Lo BPP club rep cyuanhui@interchange.ubc.ca Linda Miller Chem club rep diamondsteed@hotmail.com Warren Cheung CSSS club rep wac@email.com Adrian Mitchell Dawson club rep General Science club rep adrianm@interchange.ubc.ca Viktor Brumovsky Geography Students Assoc viktor@interchange.ubc.ca Anna Voeuk Integrated Sciences Assoc avoeuk@interchange.ubc.ca James Dai/Andrew Ho Math club rep tigger_bu@hotmail.com / andho@inter... Chris Gin MISA club rep tamiya_guy@hotmail.com Karene Chu Physsoc club rep kchu@physics.ubc.ca Peter Sidhu Pre-Dental club rep gusidhu@interchange.ubc.ca Aaron Baxter Pre-Medical club rep baxterboys@bc.syrripatico.ca Greg White Pre-Optometry club rep gregwhite14@hotmail.com Nadine Ho PSA club rep nadine_ho@hotmail.com Alan Warkentin SOS club rep prime_directive@hotmail.com Kenneth Kwok STORM club rep kennetkL@interchange.ubc.ca We are now located in Hennings 102. Come check out the new office and use our $0.05 photocopier, $0.75 pop, free water, free phone, free computers, comfy couches, cool people, and your friendly SUS Exec and Councillors! See below for office hours and contact information. SUS COUNCIL - OFFICE HOURS 2000-01 : TERM 2 MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY 9:30 Charles Lo Nadine Ho Ken Kwok Nadine Ho Ken Kwok Chris Gin Anna Voeuk 10:30 Timothy Chan Jason Elliott Lana Rupp Linda Miller Jason Chuang Theresa Liao 11:30 Kristin Lyons Janel Casey Tommy G. May Tee Natasha Szucs Karene Chu 12:30 AnnaO. Viktor Brumsky Keri Gammon Jaisun Garcha Alan Warkentin Julia Haber 1:30 Sara Stamm Mike White Sherry Yang SUS COUNCIL 2:30 Juliana Lam Aaron Baxter Mike White Chris Weston Ben Warrington Scarlett Yim Adam Wright Kat Scotton 3:30 Andrew Ho James Dai Reka Sztopa Ryan M. 22 January 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Five The 432's Guide to Campus Politics These people support the two fundamental goals of UBC students not interested in heading to Medical School: Beer and Sex. Anyone who supports getting drunk and laid can't be all bad. However, they are artsies, and may carry any number of scary, infectious diseases. Remember: Forewarned is forearmed! . S J - ,- i *£■** ^fc *f '* / ■%i Action Nude started out as a joke slate, and while we at the 423 normally favour such moves (many of us used to be members of the Radical Beer faction), we find that any slate which runs as a joke, but doesn't have the co Jones to put their names on the ballot are basically either campaigning out of megalomaniacal ego, or are too timid to step up to the plate. r. • ' * A. Jl Evil! Evil! Impolite and Evil! Still Evil after all these years! Students' Voice used to be called Action Now; you have to wonder what prompted the name change. Perhaps the fact that Action Now's mercenary, and annoyingly left-wing tactics left a bad taste in most people s mouths, much like the bad East Hastings pot these guys must be smoking. 1^ Monda 11:30 - 250 fui MSI SUB Concour*: c All Day SUS Open House Hennings 102! 4:30 - 7:00 Movie Night Woodward IRC 2 Tuesd 11:30 - 2:30 Club Displays SUB Concourse S Dc SUS Open Henning Hjse c 12:30 Chemistry Magic Show Chem B15G 12:30 - 1:30 Beyond First Year SUB Ballroom Wedrie iHiiliiii 11:30 - 2:30 Club Displays SUB Concourse All Day SUS Open House Hennings 102 12:30 AIMS Presents: Stress Lecture Woodward IRC 5 12:30 Chemistry Magic Show Chem B150 12:30 Physsoc Paper Airplane Contest Hennings 200 5:30 Science One Scrambled Eggs Egg Drop Ine Table LSK 460 %__? l__i |j "!__. I |%s»Wcz> 'frili? 11:30-2:10 Club DispSct {«- SUB Concot ■ p All Day SUS Open House Hennings 102 4:30-7:00 _ Beyond the B.Sc. oodward Coin, course 11:30 - 2:30 Club Displays SUB Concourse All Day SUS Open House Hennings 102 IZ'jU "~ Z'jU LNCE OLYMPICS 21 SUB South Plaza 8:00 - 12:00 III rliil featuring: Bit Naked *ed rung ana LiveonRelease SUES- Tlcketmastei Would like to thanks Platinum Level: $2000 'TfmmfBJEXi Gold Level: $500-$19999 LINCOLN-PARRY: K^^^WlSKI: ?<*k *W- -"■■.;.■■■■.'.;:*• '■', ..-.■' ' .-.-4 :-.-i.^"j"WiiS! Silver Level: $200-$499 U6C Bookstore Purple Onion Planet Laser Vancouver Opera Seahorse Products Coca-Cola Bazaar & Novelty The Princeton Review D"JFES Donation Level: $200 - $499 Blarney Stone Purdy's Chocolate AMS Food & Beverage Future Shop McDonalds 195 Science World Kits on Broadway Music Special Thanks to: Jian Centre Wett Bar Stone Temple Cabaret Office Depot Hagen's Travel & Cruises Page Eight THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 22 January 2001 Delis, Dweebs and Dumbass >ASX5!fs Kat Scotton Must Agree! Sol was reading the nEUSpaper today and I read the article about basement suites and the preppy little area we live in. How I must agree! I live right on the outskirts of UBC in a basement suite in wonderfully posh Point Grey. I've also had the opportunity of working in this area. Now, I must mention that not everyone in Point Grey is a stuck up rich priss, just some. Last year, while at school, I worked at a small deli and restaurant just off campus. It was a convenient 8 minute walk from my house and the hours weren't too bad, plus I got tips from the restaurant patrons. So this quaint little deli that I worked at had many regulars. I enjoyed these people for the most part. They understood that our deli served meat and eggs breakfasts, sandwiches, fries, soups, and salads, nothing really too fancy. The regulars usually asked about school, and life, and even if we didn't know each other's names, it was usually nice to see them. Then there were the posh Point Greyers who thought they would 'slum it' for a while and check out my deli. These people generally annoyed me. They were rude, demanding, and our menu wasn't good enough for them. They wanted things cooked differently, low fat options, or items we didn't even have on the menu. Then after busting my ass to make the customers happy, the snobs wouldn't even tip. Cheap ass bastards. Luckily I didn't have to deal with too many of these ignorant people. Then there is the elderly. They are my neighborhood grandparents. I still see these people around a lot even though I don't work at the same deli anymore. Like the regulars, they ask me questions about school, or little things they remember, like how my cats are doing in Nanaimo, and such. They will stop and talk for 15 minutes! "How's work? How were your exams? Did you have a nice Christmas?" It's all very sweet. My neighborhood grannies seem to remember more about my life, or at least are more interested in it than my parents are. And these people are old and getting senile! It's comforting to know that among the Beamers and Porsches there are some people around the community that still care. Now I'm working at the deli in my local grocery store. I tend to get a lot more ignorant people there, like the time this woman came in and was looking at the salad section. She looked at me pointing at the selection and said, "I'll have 100 of those 'G' things of those." So I says 'pardon?', and she repeated what she said, still not indicating which product it was that she wanted and obviously very confused over the 'G's.' So I politely asked her which product it was that she wanted, starting to get a little frustrated with this woman. She replied, "100 'G's... I... I want 100 'G's'... I'm American, I don't understand what your 'G' things are." Stifling my laughter, I told her that the 'G' things were called grams and which product was it that she was referring to. She then said, feeling a little more confident, that she would like, "100 grams of the green ones." Now, very annoyed with this woman, I replied, "So you would like 100 grams of Sicilian olives?" And I proceeded to scoop some olives into the little plastic container. Then she stopped me and said, "No, I want the brown ones, behind them." Fine. So I got another container and pointed at the "brown ones' and asked if it was the Cala- mata olives that she would like. "Yes, 100 grams!" she said, very proud that she had learned a new word that day. I asked her if she wanted anything else, but she was unsure, so I left. Ahhh, then there are the rich people's Ritalin chomping offspring. Lovin' them. Yup... So here's my story on the yuppie kids: mYk and I were downtown one night with his friend Tove. I ran into them while wait- ig in line for the Blarney Stone. It was a big night of coincidences, and that's another wacky story on it's own, but we ended up at the bus stop on Granville after some food at Denny's. It was then 2am and everyone was waiting for a bus since the bars just closed. So mYk and I hop on the #10, while Tove gets on some other bus to go to her place. Who else hops on this bus after 2am, but 14-year-old boys that are loud and obnoxious, and have been drinking. Yeah, okay, what the fuck are you guys doing out at 2am with Mommy's cell phone and Daddy's money on Granville Street! So the bus is packed and full of drunk people and these bastard kids with expensive clothes decide to start spray painting inside the bus. That's just great. Now the bus stinks even more. The bus was packed, so the bus driver couldn't really see anything or do anything about it. Finally people start clearing out and the bus approaches my area. The 14-year-old brats are still on the bus. Where do the get off? 10th and Sasamat area. Rich little Point Grey kids out at 2am spray painting buses. I think if I did that growing up, I would have been shot. Parents around this area are too busy to be parents. That's my opinion. They send their kids off to soccer at 4pm and then off to Scouts in the evening. By creating artificial parents in the activities they send their kids too, the real parents are left only to give the kids money or buy them toys when they start complaining that so- and-so from their class has one. Point Grey is much too preppy. But I like my neighborhood grannies. • Vancouver's closest outdoor field • Safe, professional].* rtm . games ■ Weekend drop in games - -aaj size groups . « Good fur parties. stags, company outings < Ptvniium rental ■ nciir.antifog masks • Located in ■ Splashdown Park i complex ; 501-9966 1 I Off of Highway lVrsswa^rn 1 nirtl.irt I. 1 .ri.fi.1 I J.ntk ill 1 turn jjvfei uiauuauuaiaigi^} {huumhui own* v/i/i/.f u rf l.e©riri©ri:.c©fa DJO C as > O o o 0*, &te* PHHsus test Co«A»N? OF... SiC^TA 00 If train AV trav«0.i»fi from, #A«fc 52Cfc*/fc 3o'_?o. n, a*$ -trail* fc t* tramtxiitu) Itxm & ft at 9*© *«/b s*_N C<«*^ 0*t CLMSjTqd/W Sov'lL Bt Getting, Sown test* &Wt. -_-#» -—. —.— -^ l HotE 1 ACET> tT... I HOTfe 1 010 weu... I Htfpf 1010 weu..c • Ho\\> 0\\t* DO IT... You CM/ 00 IT... You CAN DO fcvi Chti DO tT.» Y©V «AN 0O\\T"* /-*__r*"V Q) Bow lonff ^oal4 it ttffc* H» tr*in* to cjcgcrtaofi ax» it*i_«tic Colston ii the. fcftMtfa fpo,* jl a to |t 6 JS ©..^"io'SWa *i .C^^H T*.\\tK cweyriQN' %*t _to $<* not tm$ TiMe"f vtettttfcH {f5k_ia H^Sl^Sl IAC8>\\T//' \\ ACEb IT IACBT £f^" \\ Ac6D IT *i<>\\> CAN'T * TH151..W tw»'T poTHtti..^ CAN'T 0« Jus'... V«) CAN'T P* THiS'— °v tM/7 i"wUU..*V CAN'T 00 THtf.'.. O /r==\\\\ ^\\ ' iTv'***** V1. ^ VHoofS sonfl JEttS/THATS J 22 January 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Nine A Brief History of SUS... 2001 Edition February 3, 1961 - Science and Arts are divorced. A legend is born. March 8,1962 - After a year of growing pains, the Black Hand embarks on its first major project. Claiming "if they can make a good cup of decaffeinated coffee, why can't they send a man to Mars?" The project is undertaken by Science students Robert Goddard, Knostin Tsiolkovsky and Werner von Braun. March 16,1962 - The start of a grand tradition: the Science double election. In the first ever SUS Executive Election, irregularities force a recall. November 15,1962 - After Science threatens to enter the Chariot Race, both Engineering and Agriculture withdraw. Due to the extreme boredom of racing alone, the Science juggernaut also withdraws, allowing lesser faculties to compete. Besides, the chariot track was too wide for three chariots. October 30,1963 - In their first entry into the Chariot Race, Science resoundingly defeats the 'Geers. Aggies are nowhere to be seen. The 'geers cry foul, explaining "we helped them rebuild their chariot after someone swiped pieces of it!" February 4,1964 - As a Science Week stunt, Le Main Noir overturns an A-53 Austin at the main gates, using emergency flares to simulate belching smoke. The effect is so realistic that the RCMP and UBC Fire Department come out to congratulate the pranksters. With some quick thinking from the leader of the Black Hand, the officials are told "We were just emphasizing the extreme danger of driving at this corner." September 14, 1965 - Science becomes the first faculty to publish an anti-calendar, the Black and Blue Review. Students are polled on the effectiveness of courses, profs, syllabus and text. Not sur- prisingly, some profs bitch, but a general improvement in teaching is observed the year after. October 21,1965 - The Chariot Race is normally a amicable event where rival faculties participate in easygoing competition. This year, however, the 'geers are still stinging from the crushing defeat delivered by SUS two years before. Halfway through the event, the race degenerates into a free-for-all. The Engineers bite off more than they can chew, and receive the brunt of the damage. Twelve 'geers are admitted to hospital, compared with one Science casualty. In an act of amazing brilliance, the 'geers consequently ban Science from the Races, opting instead to compete against the tamer faculties of Forestry and Agriculture. January 4,1966 - Exposure to radiation in his first year Physics lab causes William Brommel to mutate from a normal Science student to an academically conscientious one. Symptons of genius also lead to his triumph as the winner of the Rhodes Scholarship. January 20,1966 - Science Week is celebrated with a legendary party, where gate crashing The modern Science Logo, designed by SUS President Ryan MeCuaig Mounties seize one Miss Candy Jones, the center of attention, and charge her with committing an indecent act. Police also seize one projector, but are unable to locate any film. February 11,1966 - The Black Hand design the first-ever human paperweight, in the form of an EUS Vice-President. Later design modifications include bent over 'geers, ostensibly to "act as pen holders". January 19,1967 - During Science Week, SUS buries a time capsule, to be opened in 2067, in Main Mall outside the Chemistry Building. Unfortunately, one of the things not included in the capsule is Douglas Kenny, then Dean of Arts. October 6, 1967 -'Geers srtip SUS First VP John Taylor of his clothing and dress him in red underwear. A call for vengence takes hold of SUS, and amidst a display of fireworks and smoke, any engineer unfortunate to be found in the vicinity of Main Library is seized and thrown into the pond. October 18,1967 - In an event reminiscent of 1966, police once again crash an event being held in the new SUB Partyroom. SUS Executive deny all knowledge of the event,~pointing out the room was booked by the Young Businessmens' Club. The first Black Plague is published. November 12 -14,1969 - One small prank for Science... The result of drunken debauchery during a field trip to Florida, a NASA flag is filched from the Mission Conference Room at Cape Kennedy. This amazing trophy eventually vanished, presumably into the depths of the Cheeze. December 3, 1969 - SUS President Ron Gilchrist, unable to find student housing, decides to move into the SUS Office with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, their hot plate starts a fire, which destroys the office. The Dean of Science, none too pleases, shuts down SUS until 1972 March 11,1981 - Dave Frank, elected as SUS President, revives the Black Hand, Chariot Races, SUS involvement in Intramurals, and the long tradition of incompetent presidencies. 1987 - The 432 is first published, starting a long tradition of Science mocking everyone else on campus November 5, 1981 team places third. A revived SUS Chariot February 19, 1982 - SUS celebrates the first ever Science elections by once again holding a second one after the first was discovered to have a few irregularities March 17, 1983 - SUS initiates fulfill their pledge by painting the Cheeze a bright shade of pink. Another issue of the Black Plague shocks journalistic critics. February 23, 1985 - Spring elections see the rise of the Mustard Dynasty. The High Priest of Ethanol, Ron Teljeur, erects his temple of twice- montly insanity, The Underground. 1986 - A red station wagon is discovered impaled on the Cairn. UBC declared an undergraduate-free zone 1992 - Carmen McKnight starts her reign of terror as SUS President, forcing SUS Executive and Council members to actually fulfill all their duties. March 24,1993 - The Back Plague is reincarnated, taking the form of The Ubyssex. Pictures of carrots are displayed on the cover. Future issues of the Black Plague also imitate the Underground, still a temple of twice monthly insanity. March 28,1994 - Firmly establishing the tradition of spoofing enemy campus papers, the Black Plague masquerades as The Underground. The free beer coupon for the Arts County Fair proves to be an instant hit, with lineups at photocopiers and entire stacks with the corner cut out. Jan 15,1995 - President Ryan MeCuaig is handcuffed by four burly engineers, thrown into the back of a waiting van and forced to endure a weekend with the Association of Engineering Women on their annual road trip to Nelson, BC. Ryan's appetite for pranks and politics wanes considerably from that point onwards. April 1, 1995 - President Tracy MacKinnon ascends throne for what proves to be a 2 year reign 0 f TOT. ^^™*» ■••'^"SB^.asMMis^iJra——1 SUS History, Oktoberfest featuring Junkhouse. Advertising errors cause paying attendance to be somewhere in the double digits. Event loses $16,000. A good time enjoyed by all but the Director of Finance. January 1999 -In the AMS elections, former Bloc Physsoc and current SUS offshoot slate, the Radical Beer Faction (RBF), spearheads its campaign around their charismatic leader, and features among its candidates a traffic pylon running for the Director of Finance position. The RBF loses by large margin, but wins a moral victory while continuing in the tradition of spending large amounts of student money to give away astounding quantities of beer. October 1999 - Current SUS President Craig Temple is found to have failed out the year before, starting a chain reaction that would claim five executives and sink multiple student political car- errs. The following fraud and impeachment trial leaves the undergraduate population's belief in their figurehead shaken. His replacement, Mikey Boetzkes, does little to inspire new confidence in the society, but does manage to liberate enough free alcohol to ease overall tension in the faculty. October 271999 - Challenged by the nefarious editors of the rival newspaper The Underground, the editors of The 432, John Hallett and Andy Martin, -bet the pot limit' in a ratings war with the Underground by sneaking into the AUS office and posing for naked pictures with 5 still-anonymous women. In doing so, they scare all readers off nudity for the next twelve months and traumi- tizing the AUS so severely that they sterilize the entire office, and are eventually forced to replace their couches. 1996-Vandals break into SUS on several occasions. Various archives missing; HD re-formatted. SUS rejoins the Chariot Race, loses badly. January 12, 1997 - SUS Security system upgraded with land mines, bear traps and a hungry Rottweiler named Edward. 1997 - The 432 enjoys it's 10th anniversary by being the most widely read non-pornographical publication on campus. Giant 24-page issue is produced. October, 1997 - Current SUS Social Coordinator Mikey Boetzkes runs the most costly event in October 25,2000 - The SUS office is forced to move from it's comfortable confines in the bowels of the Chemistry Building to the confining bowels of the Hennings Building. UBC Chemistry Department's Safety Record skyrockets to heights not seen in recorded history, and Chemistry Stores notes that its losses of dry ice and liquid nitrogen are the lowest in years. November, 2000 - Then-editor of the 432, Bree Baxter, steps down amidst allegations of impropriety. Long suffering SUS hack Jay Garcia steps up into the position of interim Editor, all the while frantically searching for a replacement. SUS executive are forced to put up with his abominable humour and penchant for high explosives. January 22,2001 - The legend continues... http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus Present-day SUS at the AMS Whistler Lodge. Page Ten THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 22 January 2001 Beneath the Planet of the Ramblings mYk Lick my lips! On Science Week well if you're reading this, i guess there is a science week and not just underfunded, broken, tired enthusiasm for 5 days, i'm sure we'll pull it off. i saw bif naked and liveonrelease at rock for choice last friday and, like, can i tell you? they completely rocked my ass. cold fusion is so going to own. come and dance with me. friday the 26th in the sub ballroom, nighttime, i'llbe the one walking around with a glass full of bubbling orange liquid using the best pickup line for a university beer garden: "hi. here, i mixed this drink especially for you." On Cell phones And How They Will Kill You reported last week in the Sunday times in the UK: cell phone use has now been conclusively linked with cancer of the... wait for it. eyeball, the current theory for the overwhelming correlation is that the melanocyte cells in your eyeball are more susceptible to the radiation emitted by cell phones (yes, even low-power digital phones,) and since the eyes are less protected by the skull than, say, your brain, this is where the cancer forms, think about it, kids! cell technology is extremely new, and if these studies are coming out now, just think what kind of long term studies are going to come out three years from now! of course, it won't matter, with a few exceptions, cell phones are little more than a fashion statement for most people, and hey, if your peers can convince you to hold a little plastic thing up to your head and talk into it, ignoring the rest of the world and looking like an idiot, i'm sure they can convince you that pirate-style eye patches and blindness are cool, too. On The 22 a kitsilano haiku bymyk the tears wet my chin your SUV pollutes me when will this fad end? In My Inbox the following is an email that i received shortly after the last issue of the fourthrirdytwo was published, you will not understand it unless you read my article in the last issue, this is why you must read every issue of the 432 that comes out. multiple times, the actual email has been chopped a bit to make it, um, funnier. From rickthrust@sinfinity.nu Tue Jan 16 00:24:52 2001 Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 16:27:56 - 0800 From: rick thrust To: [myk's private email address] hello myk. the issue of the 432 I have strewn beside me was published on the 10th of January, sorry for the late reply to your article, but I had my copy of the 432 stuffed into the stack of prOn in the bathroom, where it was summarily forgotten. anyway, congratulations on a superior expose of existential angst. I'm sure it was superior since Jeremy vipond says so, although I didn't actually read the 'article myself. his informative email was so true in all other respects, I trust he was correct on this count as well. and guess what? I too have a penchant for wearing dark, heavy, Victorian trenchcoats whilst carrying oil burning lanterns, maybe I can hang out with you guys some time? however, I must object to the use of the superlative in describing the ladner exchange as the "coldest, loneliest place on earth" (myk, 6). my objection stems from the fact that I can cite a one- uppance. you see, in the summer I worked as a security guard at the PNE, which I might add is a hotbed of multicultural activity. I believe my actual title was "Ineffective Young Canadian Male with a Flashlight #2" or something else of equivalent corporate [bull, cow]shit. In this job I sometimes had the misfortune of being assigned to gate i, where i = 1..N, and N is the total number of gates present at any given time, of course I wouldn't want to prejudice against gate 1 or any other gate for that matter, and in so doing so harm your sensible non-racistness, so please consider the above misfortune elementary school friends, some of them college friends, some of them university friends, some of them jail buddies, some of them workmates, some of them family, and there were even a couple people there by themselves, but regardless of who they were, they all commented excitedly in multitudinous languages about the fair, my uniform, my flashlight, the relative loveliness of the weather etc. this is the gate you saw. as time came to bear on (as it is unfailingly wont to do) , however, all the fairgoers left, and I was left with different (but no less varied or statisically multicultural) company, who else is awake at this undesirable time? [heroin, crack, beer, herb, tv, sex] addicts and gangs whos members are chosen specifically to satisfy rigorous statistical measures guaranteeing incredible variety in race, age, gender and species of course! so there was I, huddled and shivering in the intensely damning cold of a Vancouver summer rainstorm, alternately bored stupid and threatened, the boredom came from consecutive hours of staring blankly across at a gas station since I was too stupid to be hypothetically not against any gate in particular, least of all gate 1. anyway, this particular entrance to the PNE fairgrounds is -situated on the corner of two inoffensively named common east Vancouver streets. I don't have anything against east Vancouver, that's just where they happen to be. I don't even know why I mentioned it. but I'm sure you've seen it. every vancouverite has seen it. to be fair, even some non-vancouverites have seen it. what every [non]vancouverite does not see, however, is gate i at time t (where t is some unpleasant time of day, of which I dare not say lest you find me to be biased against a certain time of day) from the vantage point of an "Ineffective Young Canadian Male with a Flashlight #2". at this point you're thinking, so what thrust, so you were outside with your flashlight at some unspecified but surely unpleasant time of day? besides, me and the [fe]male of [small, medium, large] stature crossed that intersection after we left the veritable meltingpot of multiculturalism, the PNE. it wasn't so bad. well myk (and cheers for choosing a gender-neutral inoffensively non- race-related statistically variant (although biased against vowels it seems) moniker), my shift began shortly _after_ you were there, whenever that may have been, while the intersection and environs thereabout and indeed even elsewhere (we wouldn't want to leave other environs out) flowed with happily multicultural fairgoers, some of them highschool friends, some of them Who's a Sexy Man, Then Who's a Sexy, Sexy Man? to think "gee I have to work at my incredibly boring job tonight, mebbe I should take a book (let's assume I can read) or some music or some heroin or some Vietnamese (food)." and who threatened me but the incredibly diverse and racially varied gang of No Fixed Address whose sole Maxim in life is to publish a smutty magazine aimed at teenage males which combines compelling and thoughtful editorial content with images of anatomically correct inflatable Caucasian females, but I digress, the evil or not-so-evil gangs also administer strangling deaths to anyone who should so much as hesitate to carry out their demands. a brief illustration: "let me in." (I cleverly see through their use of the codeword 'me', which really means 'us', since gangs consist by their very nature of a multiple number of people) "no. phear my flashlight." I'm not being racist. whities caused as much trouble. as we all know, all heroin addicts are white, anyway, these white heroin addicts (a bit redundant, I know) injected themselves as they crouched on the bushes (which is tricky to do, for those of you who have never tried crouching on rather than in a bush), then writhed for awhile oh the lawns as the drug took effect, mess with them and you soon find yourself in danger of an angry, malnourished rottwieler or a flung hypodermic needle. leave them alone and they're no trouble at all. as I said above I was bored stupid, so I did the stupid thing and messed with them. I have written at length, and have severely contracted your prOn viewing time. it's just that when I read "send your existential angst" (myk, 6) I thought I'd better cite the page number as well just in case the curious readers out there in 432 land might want to go back and reference the original article, and well dang it, I know _I_ have a hard time flipping through all 8 pages of the 432 to find myk's writings, so I'd better put in that page number to save you all a lot of time. send any rebuttals and/or scandalous pictures to myk. confidential to myk: fuck you and your politically correct anti- racist crap you fucking pink-haired average-height medium-build statistically variant male in the prime of your life! ! ! what do you know about racism, you multi-grain-bread eating artcourse-taking compsci student, you don't know what it's like to be called "hey you" or "you over there, the bland guy." at least I have a vowel in my name, you hypocritical bastard! there. I said it. yes, everyone, I think now is the time to tell yo.u all that myk is a genuine, dyed-in-the-wool-and-long-in- the-tooth bastard. hahahaha- hahahaha! p.s. hey all your morons who have to read your email via telnet or ssh using services such as interchange and can't figure out how to use pop3 or (shudder) imap! soon you'll be able to read your email in a _real_ client, such as outlook express! and guess who paid to perpetuate stupidity and dependence on the inherently easy to use and who- the-fuck-cares about security pop3? I did! yaay! ..thanks for writing my article, mr. thrust, yum, what an Unnecessarily Sexy last name you have. On Email - The Continuing Saga check out www.my.ubc.ca! you can read your interchange email on the web! now even if you're too scared to learn about consumer technology you can have the reliability of interchange email and not have cute drunk girls laugh at your @hot- mail.com address at cold fusion! mang! love, myk (myk432@hushmail.com) / love myk; he's such a goddamn shit- disturber, and he has this strange, underground network of "shit-disturbing" cells, who communicate clandestinely with each other using a system of wires and tin cans. Ever seen "Fight Club"? It's kind of like that, only with more talking, more computer-related nerdiness, and far less soap, though the social engineering aspect remains the same. -ed It's interesting the kind of devices one can make out of common house- ifone were so inclined. 22 January 2001 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Page Eleven Vox Populi o' SUS President Keri Gammon Hello sports fans. Welcome to Science Week! I hope you'll take the time to check out the club displays and events planned for your enjoyment and science pride! We'll be seeing you at Cold Fusion with Bif Naked and crew - kick ass. The whole wheat side of me feels compelled to tell you to have a safe and happy time, but the frosted side of me wishes you a night of drunken debauchery. In either case, I'll be the one in gold pants screaming out for the bands to play "Back That Ass Up." Or then again, maybe not. Until we meet again, may constant tail- winds decrease your gasoline costs. Publications Chris Weston Science Week is here! Make sure you go and check out all the displays that will be in SUB all week long, as well as all the other events that will take place, such as the Science Olympics and Beyond the BSc. I'm happy to say that we have two great publications out this week. One of them you are currently reading: the Science Week Edition of The 432. We put this issue of the paper out every year during Science Week, and it has more content than the regular issues. Browse through it to read some great articles as well as to stay informed about all the Science Week events. The first issue of the year of Paradigm is also out now. The writers and editors have worked hard to get it out in time for Science Week, so make sure you get a chance to read that as well. Paradigm takes a more serious look at science issues, so if you are in the mood for some good reading on interesting topics, Paradigm is for you! mwmmm Speakers, Drama, and Music PANEL Science Faith & Society with UBC Science Professors Dr. Phil Hill, Dr. Olav Slaymaker Dr. Bart van der Kamp Dr. Bert Cameron Mechanical Engineering Geography Forestry Medicine Thursday, Jan 25 12:30pm SUB Theatre { Princeton IK/fC A T Professional MCAT Preparation from The Princeton Review MCAT Math Quiz: Why is the Princeton Review's MCAT program your only choice in MCAT Preparation ? W 72+ Classroom Hours + 35+ Testing Hours + Unlimited Extra Help = No Competition! The Princeton Review's MCAT program is the most comprehensive, most complete MCAT preparation anywhere. Nowhere else will you have over 100 hours of live instruction and testing time with teachers who will make you an expert at the MCAT. Call 1/800 2REVIEWfor details. Check our website at www.princetonreview.com The Princeton Review is not affiliated with Princeton Unive»ity or AAW Internal Vice-Prez Reka Sztopa SCIENCE WEEK! Yes, this week is Science Week so be sure to attend at least one event to show your Science spirit. Also, don't forget to catch Bif Naked on Friday night at Cold Fusion! I would like to say a huge thank you to the First Year Committee for all of their hard work in the past term and in advance for everything they are doing for Science Week. Your contributions do not go unnoticed. FYC has big plans for a canned food drive and first year dance this term so stay tuned and email me if you would like to be involved. In this issue of the 432 you will find contact information for all of the students who represent you on SUS Council. Feel free to contact us anytime if you have questions or concerns or want to get involved. Remember, we represent you. Also, check out the SUS office, Hennings 102, and visit us during our office hours. Two final things. Executive elections are fast approaching so keep reading the 432 for information and nomination forms. As well, if you would like to be involved in nominating and/or selecting candidates for this year's SUS Teaching Excellence Awards, please contact me at rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca. See you all during SCIENCE WEEK! Reka Secretary Sherry Yang Hey groovy Science students, Science Week is here - and what a week it's going to be. If you haven't had a chance to go out and celebrate that Science spirit and pride... well lucky you, here's you're chance to do it! If there's one week you should be loud and proud about the fact that you are studying in the Faculty of Science - this is it! Check out all the events we have lined up. It is going to be a full out blast. Alright, enough shameless Science promotion. How about you take a gander at my lovely Science council minutes that are on our new and improved website: http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus under 'council documents'? I'm as proud as a peacock that the work I pour my blood, sweat and tears into is being displayed on a website - so I encourage you to take a moment to download a file and help to fulfill a simple East Van girl's dreams ;). Come harass me about them in our SUS office/lounge (open to each and every one of you) in Hennings 102 - and grab some free water and a cheap photocopy while you're at it. Or take a seat on one of our comfy couches as you wait for your lunch toheat up in the microwave. So many reasons to come... don't be shy, come on by! (how's that for a cheesy sales pitch?) Gooooo Science! Social Coordinator Katharine Scotton C OLD FUSION! Get your tickets! $18 from Subcetera or Henn 102. Featuring Bif Naked with guests Crowned King and Liveonrelease. We know where you live. Buy your tickets, or we'll bust your ass! No minors. she means it. and she's a mean shot with a bottlecap, too. took out some poor sod's eye at 30 paces — ed www.penny -arcade.com tuw/w/.dieselsw/eeties.com www. ink tank, com u; iv U7.gamespij.com Free Desert when table spends over $50 when you bring in this coupon. Expires Feb.26/01 0Jo I'.njoy our /ii'ii' iwcltintj menu 10% Discount* S|.* on all regular menu items with Ms ad. Net applicable on liquor orders. ^ir -.u--, if %. Dine in Only. Expires Jan 11/2001. Titucoupon ;not!»»ljdJjo#holiday* & cannot be combined with jury other promotion or discount offer. I 1720 West Broadway, Vancouver (ri^t beside the new Future Shop and ibovt Pier One Imports.) www.thedukesrestaurants.com Page Twelve THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 22 January 2001 The First Rule of Kill Club... Andy Martin Tyler Durden Ah, what an age we live in. An age where technology layers on top of us and separates us further and further from the brutal reality of our physical being. We have created so many technological extensions of ourselves that we are teetering on the edge of cyborganation. To communicate, we reach for our cell phone or our email, digital speech is our first choice. More and more, all we ever accomplish at work exists only on a screen, and stored only in a bunch of microchips and applies only to a mainframe of other computers. Our days and memories are organized more by palmpilots then by our own mind, and all we are to our governing bodies is what they see in the Excel spreadsheet. One glitch in any of these aforementioned technical marvels, and we are screwed. Recent advances in medical science have even been able to replace nerves with wires and eyes with screens. But the mind inate- ly doesn't like being isolated from physical reality, and there's a backlash brewing in all of us. There is violence visible in every area of our environment. There's violence in the school, violence on the street, violence on the roads, violence in the European soccer matches, violence almost everywhere we actually take the time to look for it. Mankind believes themselves to be civilized, and above brute force. Bullshit. We've been fighting with each other for the dumbest reasons ever since we were classified as the kind-of-not-monkeys-anymore- but-damned-if-I-know-what-the-fuck- they-are species that evolved, through the Grace of God, into what you see before you today. Everytime I turn on the news, there's a report of another case of —rage. It doesn't really matter what kind of rage it is, does it? It's violence and it's in our modern society. But there are a million kinds of rage in the most peaceful places that the media and special interest groups try to categorize to make it all seem a simple problem. Currently, they are some of the most popular subjects on newscasts. Those kind of rages are even battling each other for popularity like bitchslappin' anorexic hos. Right now, Air rage is in vogue, and Road rage is on the way out. Desk rage is trying to poke its head in and compete with it's larger brothers, but needs another few high profile cases to truly be a contender for ratings. Every one, another case where a seemingly quiet individual just burst under some sort of personal pressure, grabbed two of the most leathally-legal weapons they could find, and started filleting everyone in their sphere of influence. Just last Friday, our good editor, hopped up on the fumes from all the new DVDs he'd bought, walked up to me in a bzzr garden and told me: "Your homework tonight, start a fight with someone, and win.' Ah...all the meaningfulness of 'Fight Club', but I get to win. Even better. I started cracking my knuckles with anticipation. Unfortunately, I didn't factor that the two hours of strategizing would involve that much alcohol. Soon enough, I had trouble stringing any meaningful sentence together, making my prepared initial sabre-rattle of 'Your dad gives your uncle lousy blowjobs' rather futile. The need to look after a suddenly ill companion fully called off the drunken bloodbath that I so wanted. I have got to set my priorities straight. Of course, after I had looked after said companion and stumbled back to the 432 office, I found said co-editor, sleeping on a couch and rather red in the face, but not from facial bruising or from the characteristic spray from the bursting of an opponent's spleen. Alcohol had again taken precedence over bloodlust. I considered kicking him off the couch and fighting him right then and there. But, the fact that he was rather passed out, the fact that he fights rather dirty, and is rather of the right height to be able to uppercut me in the 'heavy bag', deterred me from that course of action. And now, as I sit beside him, putting this rather large issue together, I fear he may turn on me at any second and release a maiming barrage of body blows. This fear is largely supported by the loud and fre quent threats Monsieur Garcia has made to myself, and to any who come near enough to piss him off over the past few weeks. I've always considered Jay a good friend for a good many years, but there was one instance when we came to blows. I asked for it, but knew he needed it. I decided to make a snarky comment while he was under duress of the type I get all too often: duress caused by the combination of others' incompetence/inconsiderateness and of completely random events that meld together to ruin your finely laid plans. He warned me, but I knew he needed it, so I made another. He put his head down and bullrushed me. I was glad to be there for him. During tribulations like that, any release of pressure is needed like a sexually repressed Palestinian needs a jihad. When I saw him the next day, he greeted me with open arms and a hearty cheer, and we shared many steins of mead before I had to pull his head out of the hottub water so he wouldn't drown. But this finally brings me to my point. Stress builds up. And it needs to be let out in controlled bursts. If we just nicely smile and nod and let the bad things keep happening, the stress is going to compound inside and will come out in a way that we can't control. This is what pushes people over the edge and into freelance surgery. The best way to deal with the stress, is the obvious: to fight. I would start a Fight Club, but the reality of it is that it would be that only Jay and I would attend, and this paper would never get done. So, I find myself other release valves, such as plugging the guitar in and pounding some power chords 'till the windows rattle while yelling improv lyrics that would make Eminem nauseous. Pisses off the roommates something fierce. A recent case of insomnia got the point of what happens when stress is allowed to stew in the psyche through in spades. God, I hate insomnia. Of all the disorders I've ever had in my brain, insomnia is the least fun. Hell, even those minor concussions I've had had a really cool effect. Kind of like being drunk, but with tingly nostrils. Insomnia just makes you really tired, irritable, and so moody that even PMS- laden...um...ladies call me a bitch. Insomnia would've been bad enough, but the extra waking hours I spent staring into the void of the mirror above my bed were filled with vicious mental rants against all those that are causing me the excessive burden that I, by the standards of our modern society, didn't act on. This burden would've been bad enough during daylight hours without going into it at length every sleepless night. Those sleepless, trying rants would have never existed if I could have just reached out with a good left hook or just spoke my mind, instead of being political. This is how ordinary people go insane. Through the months of isolation I've experienced through my job (where the most intelligent dinner conversation centres around a centrefold and how the deckhand would 'like to stick a fudgesicle up her ass, wait five minutes and have her shit it back in [his] mouth'), I've peered through the keyhole into true insanity, and I fully understand how it happens. People just wind up with too much time on their hands, and nothing to do with it but think and contemplate themselves and their lives. This gets depressing quickly, as even the most successful of us have beefs with our lot in life. Soon, you start talking to inanimate objects and wearing your neighbour's scalp as a hat. Think about this: Who would you trust more working in the next cubicle, Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse? I'd choose Bugs any day. Why? Other than the fact that Mickey is an irritating, squeaky-voiced loser, and that Bugs would make office politics that much more interesting, Bugs is probably much less likely to snap and take me out in a hail of bullets. Bugs releases his inner frustrations with large mallets and harmless explosives every day (and his non-lethal force is usually focused in retaliation to frustration, not on random targets). Mickey just flusters, and takes crap with a sheepish smile. One of these days, Mickey is gonna come into work, whistling a merry tune with a minigun around his waist and systematically mow down every co-worker while screaming "73 years of celibacy! Aw shucks Minnie! Take that, you bitch! And that! And that!" Well, if that didn't get the point across, I don't know what will. I UN featuring BIF NAKED with guests Crowned King and Prested by the Science Undergraduate Society Must be 19 to enter Friday, January 16th, 2001 SUB Ballroom 8pm -12am, Doors at 7:30pm Tickets: $18 Purchase from Hennl02 or in the SUB"""@en ; edm:hasType "Periodicals"@en ; dcterms:spatial "Vancouver (B.C.)"@en ; dcterms:identifier "LE3.B841 A12"@en, "LE3_B841_A12_2001_01_22"@en ; edm:isShownAt "10.14288/1.0000477"@en ; dcterms:language "English"@en ; edm:provider "Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library"@en ; dcterms:publisher "Vancouver : University of British Columbia. Science Undergraduate Society"@en ; dcterms:rights "Images provided for research and reference use only. Permission to publish, copy, or otherwise use these images must be obtained from the University of British Columbia Science Undergraduate Society: http://www.sus.ubc.ca/"@en ; dcterms:source "Original Format: University of British Columbia. Archives"@en ; dcterms:subject "University of British Columbia"@en ; dcterms:title "The 432"@en ; dcterms:type "Text"@en ; dcterms:description ""@en .