RECONSTRUCTING WOMANHOOD A Method and an Account by Cynthia Cole B A . , Simon Fraser University, 1974 A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL F U L F I L L M E N T O F T H E REQUIREMENTS F O R T H E D E G R E E O F M A S T E R O F ARTS T H E F A C U L T Y O F G R A D U A T E STUDIES Department of Anthropology & Sociology We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard T H E UNIVERSITY O F BRITISH COLUMBIA May, 1979 @ Cynthia Cole, 1979 In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements f o r an advanced degree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the Head of my Department o r by his representatives. It is understood that copying o r publication o f this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission. Department of An\kij)0alO4tJ £ ScCJoJOi The University of British Columbia 2075 Wesbrook Vancouver, V6T Date Place Canada 1W5 becevHtoCi- l/, H7<7 iii S" ABSTRACT This work explicates the social construction of womanhood by providing an instance of its reconstruction. I organise the body of the text into three chapters: a frame, a method and an account. In the frame I outline the context of my research, sketch the organisation of my inquiry and provide my location in relation to the discipline of sociology. The frame makes explicit the need for and view from my shift to women's perspective. The inquiry begins in the rupture I lived between experience grounded in my physical female being not yet mediated by words and the social forms of expression available to me. I extend the work of Dorothy E. Smith to account for the bifurcation between women's bodies / work in the body and ruling forms of mental production. These forms exclude women and constitute us as objects by building in and taking for granted as the source the consciousness of (ruling class) men. This construction annihilates women's subjectivity and is manifest as our inability to generate authoritative statements. The practical lack of ability to decide and to speak for ourselves is a consequence of a ruling relation in which women exist for men. To enter the dominant forms of expression we must suspend our sex, cut off our bodily power and attempt to stand outside ourselves. Sociology practices a ruling relation by working in the abstract-conceptual mode that excludes concrete, local and particular embodiments. The female body discredits and disqualifies us for positions in the head world of ruling. However only by adopting the stance of insiders to ourselves can we account for the practice of the ruling mode because our work in the body provides the conditions of the abstract-conceptual mode. This insiders' stance allows us to reclaim mental work by generating social forms of expression that make visible / speakable / knowable our bodies and bodily work upon which work in words depends. Writing from women's perspective is the means by which I reconstruct my knowledge of womanhood as sociology. The chapter on method lays out the specific procedures I use in accomplishing an alternative construction of womanhood and provides the conditions of producing the account which reconstructs my past. The focus is on performing a relocation of myself from object to subject by starting from myself, my female body and my everyday experience as a woman and originating forms of expression from this centre. I create this shift through writing a journal. nr In the account I relate how I came to know myself as a woman in the process of growing up, uncover how family relations constructed the social meaning of womanhood and account for my experience of inferiority. I learned to practice bifurcated consciousness of head and body and a ruling relation to myself by internalising the split between my father as the agent of ruling class authority and my mother as the exemplar of woman's silenced embodiment work. The thesis contributes to the body of knowledge explicating the split between public and private domains by presenting personal relations as social relations of corporate capitalism and linked to social relations of public production. iv CONTENTS Abstract ii List of Illustrations v Acknowledgements vi Introduction • Chapter I. A Frame for Reconstructing Womanhood Chapter II. A Method of Writing from Woman's Perspective Chapter III. A n Account of How Family Relations Construct a Woman 1 9 27 49 Conclusion 61 Bibliography 66 LIST O F ILLUSTRATIONS 1. "Daddy's good girl" 55 2. "The Androgyne" 55 3. "just a g i r l " 55 4. "the g o o d little m o t h e r " 55 vi ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS T h e w r i t i n g o f t h i s t h e s i s is e m b e d d e d i n a w e b the body context o f the text. of my To d r a w these o u t life a n d t o a c k n o w l e d g e over a p e r i o d o f three years. attention my of you who efforts lest y o u reconstruction The power is in m y adequately I w o u l d n e e d to sketch the b y name all m y want to co-workers, comrades and do that. A n d yet I do want entire friends to draw the r e a d this to the m a n y w h o s u p p o r t e d m e d i r e c t l y a n d i n d i r e c t l y i n see m e not I don't o f social relations not fully explicit in falsely a heroine's w o r k , to as a s s u m i n g t h e act whatever power o f i n d i v i d u a l i s m that degree you find o f a subject overcomes in isolation. social it, springs f r o m a social My oppression. movement m a d e o f a n d f o r w o m e n i n w h i c h I t a k e m y p a r t . T h i s s t e p i n b u i l d i n g a n e w s o c i a l o r d e r is one in a very long m a r c h trod b y many. It is i n j o i n i n g w o m e n m o v i n g f o r w a r d t h a t I f i n d a strong voice. I w i s h t o state m y a p p r e c i a t i o n t o the m e m b e r s o f m y thesis c o m m i t t e e : D r . H e l g a E . J a c o b s o n , m y advisor; D r . E l v i Whittaker a n d Professor Barbara Williamson. They showed great p a t i e n c e d u r i n g m y struggle f o r w o r d s a n d never o n c e t o l d m e I c o u l d n o t d o this w o r k in a way t h a t e x p r e s s e d t h e t r u t h as I u n d e r s t o o d i t . T h e y h a v e u s e d t h e i r a b i l i t i e s as a c a - d e m i c s a n d feminists to clear g r o u n d f o r m e to s t a n d o n . T h e i r suggestions have b e e n useful and insightful. I wish to I have f o u n d their support invaluable. express appreciation to M a r y Schendlinger for her speed a n d skill in giving this m a n u s c r i p t concrete e m b o d i m e n t my energy flagged. as a t y p e d t e x t . H e r g o o d h u m o u r stayed me when O u r discussion o n journal writing aided me in editing a n d her own j o u r n a l pieces e n c o u r a g e d m e i n this m e t h o d o f writing. I wish to acknowledge m y family o f origin w h o slowly grew w i t h m e into new relations that h e a l over past p a i n . I affirm m y b o n d w i t h m y father F r a n k whose d y i n g taught m e uncover the social origins o f o u r divisions. I affirm m y b o n d with m y mother K a t h y who I a m learning to respect a n d n o longer take for granted. a m b e g i n n i n g t o l o v e as a b r o t h e r . to I affirm m y b o n d with David who I I a f f i r m m y b o n d w i t h C l a i r e a n d K a t h y , m y sisters, t h a t w e m a y c o n t i n u e to b r e a k t h r o u g h the silence that keeps o u r lives apart. vii I w i s h to t h a n k w i t h m y w o r d s a n d m y heart the c o m m u n i t y o f w o m e n w h o r e a d m y w o r k i n process a n d w i t h w h o m I kept going. M y n e w f a m i l y o f sisters h a s b u i l t m y W o m e n ' s P r o b l e m Solving G r o u p , the C o n s t r u c t i v e C r i t i c i s m Collective, the W o m e n ' s Studies A s s o c i a t i o n o f B . C . , the British C o l u m b i a F e d e r a t i o n o f W o m e n , E m o t i o n a l Self-Defense Groups, W o m e n Emerging, study Makara, the Coalition Against groups, radical therapy groups, F u l l Circle Coffeehouse, Discrimination, Concerned Vancouver International Women's D a y . Citizens for Choice T h e s e efforts have n o u r i s h e d m y on Abortion, and work. I wish to express a p p r e c i a t i o n for myself, for m y courage a n d persistence i n . m a k i n g a w o r k o f m y life. I wish to thank y o u , those who read m y w o r k , f o r i n o p e n i n g this b o o k y o u yourselves to m y words a n d allow me to t o u c h y o u . \ open 1 INTRODUCTION The aim o f this work is t o e x p l i c a t e the social construction o f its r e c o n s t r u c t i o n . I organise the b o d y providing a n instance chapters: a frame, a m e t h o d research, sketch the the organisation o f sociology. In the frame o f m y inquiry a n d provide In the m e t h o d o f this text i n t o I outline the context by three of my m y location in relation to procedures I use i n accomplishing a reconstruction, detail h o w I fashion a w a y o f k n o w i n g a n d make available the discipline a n d an account. of womanhood conditions o f producing the account. m y s e l f as a w o m a n structed i n the process I l a y o u t the specific In the account I relate o f growing u p , uncover h o w I came to know h o w m y family relations c o n - the social meaning o f w o m a n h o o d a n d account for m y experience o f inferiority. I i n t e n d t h e t e r m r e c o n s t r u c t i o n t o b e r e a d i n b o t h i t s c o m m o n sense a n d s o c i o l o gical meanings. events that The common sense n o t i o n o f a r e c o n s t r u c t i o n r e f e r s t o a v e r s i o n o f p a s t is f a s h i o n e d r e t r o s p e c t i v e l y . Womanhood T h e s o c i o l o g i c a l usage u n d e r l y i n g Reconstructing refers t o t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g that s o c i a l m e a n i n g s are p r o d u c e d b y a p r a c t i c e o f i n d i v i d u a l s i n o r g a n i s e d r e l a t i o n s , i n b o t h face t o face a n d m e d i a t e d i n t e r a c t i o n s . point t o the significant features B o t h uses o f t h e i n t e r p r e t a t i o n I u s e h e r e : 1) t h a t a n a c c o u n t , a n y a c c o u n t , i n c l u d i n g o n e o f t h e p a s t is w o r k e d u p , i . e . c o n s t r u c t e d , a n d 2) t h a t t h e m e a n i n g o f womanhood is p r o d u c e d a n d displayed by observable social practices o f individuals i n relation to each other. Accounts relevancies account are socially at t h e t i m e is s i t u a t e d Their versions o f t h e past o f p r o d u c i n g t h e m , b y the social context i n a particular framework purpose a n d o n what occasion. t h a t is t r u e a n d c o m p l e t e . feature constructed. are o r g a n i s e d o f accounting for. A n o f accounting for what, to w h o m , for what T h e r e is n o t o n e p o s s i b l e a c c o u n t o f e v e n t s , n o t m e r e l y o n e T h e r e are m a n y . T h a t t h e r e a r e m a n y p o s s i b l e t r u e a c c o u n t s is a o f t h e m a n y possible settings a n d o c c a s i o n s f o r w o r k i n g u p a n a c c o u n t . accounts o f "the same" ( G a r f i n k e l 1 9 6 7 : 3-4) by events are r e q u i r e d a n d p r o v i d e d f o r different Different practical purposes. T h e a c c o u n t I p r o v i d e i n C h a p t e r III is a p a r t i c u l a r p o s s i b l e t r u e o n e . It r e n d e r s t h e sense I f o u n d i n b e c o m i n g a w o m a n i n m y f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s a t t h e t i m e o f i t s writing. account. know Particular historical a n d material c o n d i t i o n s organise the practical p u r p o s e o f m y I m a k e t h e s e a v a i l a b l e i n C h a p t e r II, t h e m e t h o d . what I included in the account T h e r e I. e x p l i c a t e h o w I c a m e t o a n d show h o w the actual organisation o f m y w o r k appears i n the organisation o f the a c c o u n t . 2 Womanhood is s o c i a l l y constructed, as a r e o t h e r aspects o f social reality, organised practices o f individuals. (Berger a n d L u c k m a n n 1 9 6 6 , G . R u b i n 1 9 7 5 ) organisation accomplishes respects. These a reality of womanhood varying constructions given i n h u m a n organisms. focus o n h o w b o d i l y experience a n d expression. made femaleness I d o n o t address debates o f " b i o l o g i c a l W h a t m y i n q u i r y d o e s is d i s c l o s e h o w t h e s o c i a l o f femaleness must sense o f . " ( M i c h a l k o i n one instance. I is t r a n s l a t e d a n d a r t i c u l a t e d b y s o c i a l f o r m s T h e physiological menstruation a n d pregnancy, wise i n b i o l o g i c a l realities o f o f w o m e n is c o n s t r u c t e d o n t h e b a s i s o f b i o l o g i c a l f e m a l e n e s s thought E a c h social M y c o n c e r n w i t h t h e s o c i a l p r o d u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d is n o t a d e t e r m i n i s m " vs. " c u l t u r a l c o n d i t i o n i n g . " of the a n d these realities differ i n significant are e m b e d d e d refutation o f sexual differentiation i n h u m a n beings. category by events that mark womanhood, such as be "discovered, recognized, n a m e d , treated a n d other- 1977: 9) W e take these events a n d their m e a n i n g s f o r granted o n l y b y presupposing a socially organised w o r l d i n w h i c h discovering, recognizing, n a m i n g , t r e a t i n g a n d m a k i n g sense o f w o m a n h o o d a r e r o u t i n e s o c i a l p r a c t i c e s a n d a c t i v i t i e s . * In this work I explicate this taken for granted social organisation f r o m a n d about my l o c a t i o n as a w o m a n i n c o n t e m p o r a r y N o r t h A m e r i c a n s o c i e t y . I stand i n the place framing o f m y experience womanhood from of women. T h e view from in women's within. I move experiential writings o f w o m e n ' s writing f r o m w o m e n ' s perspective perspective back h e r e is w o m e n ' s allows This m e to focus o n the meaning o f a n d forth weaving perspective perspective. together the theoretical a n d w i t h m y o w n life h i s t o r y . T h e focus o f m u c h has b e e n a split b e t w e e n p u b l i c a n d private d o m a i n s , also c a l l e d d o m e s t i c a n d n o n - d o m e s t i c , p e r s o n a l a n d p o l i t i c a l (e.g. S m i t h 1 9 7 3 , J a c o b s o n 1 9 7 8 , Freeman 1972, R o w b o t h a m 1973) Such works point out h o w the d o m a i n o f personal, p r i v a t e , d o m e s t i c h a s b e e n a s s i g n e d t o w o m e n , u n e x a m i n e d a n d t a k e n f o r g r a n t e d as i n c o n sequential a n d invisible f r o m the p u b l i c p o i n t o f view. These w o r k s challenge the exclusion of women from separation o f spheres My w o r k begins social study from a n d social expression. They is c o n s t r u c t e d a n d / o r f o r w o m e n ' s these c o n c e r n s . call for a n account o f h o w this accounts f r o m the private realm. M y f r a m e w o r k acts t o reveal instances o f p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s , t h r o u g h w h i c h t h e m e a n i n g o f w o m a n h o o d is c o n s t r u c t e d , as r e l a t i o n s o f p o w e r and authority, what Millett (1971) terms "sexual politics." I demonstrate h o w these are * M i c h a l k o (1977) explicates the social m e a n i n g o f blindness i n giving a n account o f h o w b l i n d persons a c c o m p l i s h the sighted w o r l d . I d r a w parallels b e t w e e n blindness a n d w o m a n h o o d as e m b o d i e d a n d s o c i a l l y c o n s t r u c t e d p h e n o m e n a . 3 social relations o f d o m i n a t i o n e m b e d d e d i n a b r o a d social organisation w h i c h generates b o t h domestic work and public production. The f r a m i n g o f m y w o r k i n C h a p t e r I organises the field o f viewing s o m e w h a t w i n d o w frame. The frame T h e frame acts i n the m a n n e r o f a " v i e w f i n d e r " i n c o n s t r u c t i n g a n image. selects w h a t w e c a n see b y setting it o f f f r o m the s u r r o u n d i n g c o n t e x t . frame points o u r attention to a particular area b y drawing b o u n d s a r o u n d it. choose is o n e a v a i l a b l e f r o m w h e r e I s t a n d . a particular perspective. that organises the structing w o m a n h o o d produces picture you do I n C h a p t e r I, I a i m t o d r a w y o u r a t t e n t i o n t o t h e I p r e s e n t so t h a t i n l o o k i n g t h r o u g h t h i s f r a m e t o r e c o n - not wholly lose awareness o f it. In the frame I sketch them. The understanding o f the is t h e r e v e r s e o f m y social construction o f w o m a n h o o d present i n the frame s h a p e d m y m e t h o d o f w o r k a n d m y a c c o u n t o f m y past t h r o u g h o u t w r i t i n g o f this thesis. m y assumptions. the follow. T h e order o f the chapters o f this w o r k (frame, m e t h o d , account) in writing T h e frame I L o o k i n g t h r o u g h this frame further o u t l i n e s so as t o suggest t h e s h a p e o f t h e p i e c e s w h i c h order The A s w i t h w i n d o w s , w e a r e p r a c t i c e d a t l o s i n g sight o f t h e f r a m e a n d seeing o n l y the v i e w available t h r o u g h it. frame like a I the H o w e v e r , I d i d n o t begin w i t h a clear a n d w e l l d e v e l o p e d statement o f I s a w t h r o u g h t h e f r a m e t h o u g h it w a s n o t c l e a r l y v i s i b l e t o m e . In w r i t i n g t h e f r a m e a f t e r d r a f t i n g C h a p t e r s II a n d III I l a b o u r e d at m a k i n g e x p l i c i t t h e i d e a s a n d c o n cepts that h a d already organised m y work. drawing out the implicit connections. T h e p r o c e d u r e I f o l l o w e d at e v e r y p o i n t R e c o n s t r u c t i n g w o m a n h o o d has b e e n for m e a w o r k o f d i s c o v e r i n g w h a t w a s a l r e a d y t h e r e , s e e i n g it d i f f e r e n t l y , a l l o w i n g t h e e x i s t i n g p i e c e s shift i n t o a n e w p a t t e r n . women's was to T h e d y n a m i c f o r y o u w i l l b e r e a d i n g a n o u t l i n e o f t h e m e s I use i n perspective, seeing the o u t l i n e filled w i t h descriptive a c c o u n t s of my method and life h i s t o r y , a n d re-viewing the assertions o f the f r a m e w i t h this s u b s t a n t i a t i o n . The experience of womanhood, the practice of i t , is not separable, discontinuous from knowing, interpreting and understanding w o m a n h o o d . distinct Our experience is a l w a y s s h a p e d b y t h e s o c i a l f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n t h a t a r t i c u l a t e it t o a s o c i a l o r d e r . work I cover ground commonly bounded as s e x role socialization a n d the knowledge. I transverse womanhood a n d learning the meaning o f w o m a n h o o d . / these b o t h because I c a n n o t or In this sociology take apart learning the behavior of of H o w I c o m e t o k n o w m y s e l f as a 4 w o m a n is i n e x t r i c a b l y b o u n d u p w i t h h o w I c o m e t o p r a c t i c e m y s e l f as o n e . T h u s i n giving a n e x p l i c a t i o n o f t h e p r a c t i c e o f k n o w i n g as a w o m a n I b u i l d i n t o m y f r a m e a d e s c r i p t i o n a n d an instance o f social organisation o f the p r o d u c t i o n o f knowledge the k n o w e r to the object o f her What I a m explicating a n d the relation o f knowledge. goes b e y o n d the n o t i o n o f " s o c i a l i z a t i o n " w h e n that concept means a p e r i o d o f time d u r i n g w h i c h a n individual does n o t yet k n o w h o w to practice behavior appropriate to her social category. n o t exist. k o 1977: T h e t i m e p e r i o d " b e f o r e " w e are s o c i a l i z e d d o e s " S o c i a l interaction does n o t wait for socialization to be a c c o m p l i s h e d . " ( M i c h a l 8 ) . W e l e a r n w o m a n h o o d b y p a r t i c i p a t i n g i n s i t u a t i o n s w h e r e w e are e x p e c t e d k n o w t h e v e r y t h i n g s w e are s i m u l t a n e o u s l y b e i n g t a u g h t . 1974) (Garfinkel 1967: 147) to (MacKay F o r m e t o t a k e s o m e a c t i o n o r s t a t e m e n t as a n e x p r e s s i o n o f a n u n d e r l y i n g m e a n i n g o f w o m a n h o o d depends o n m y k n o w i n g some o f the particulars o f that u n d e r l y i n g m e a n i n g to begin w i t h . (Wieder 1974: schema o f interpretation. 161) W i e d e r r e f e r s t o t h i s as t h e s e l f - e l a b o r a t i n g n a t u r e o f a W h a t c o u n t s as a n i n s t a n c e o f w h a t , t h e p a t t e r n o f b e h a v i o r a n d the evidences o f i t , are u s e d t o e l a b o r a t e e a c h o t h e r . H o w I c o m e t o k n o w m y s e l f as a w o m a n h a p p e n s c o n t i n u o u s l y . receive m y femaleness a n d h o w o t h e r s r e c e i v e it is b e i n g a c t e d o u t . A t every p o i n t h o w I T h e sense o f o u r o r i e n - t a t i o n t o t h e f a c t o f m y w o m a n h o o d is a p r o d u c t o f t h e c o n t i n u a l a p p l i c a t i o n o f o u r i n t e r pretive methods. appropriate to Wieder ( 1 9 7 4 : 161) t h i n k o f the code says of the as a c o n t i n u o u s convict code: "...it is much more o n g o i n g p r o c e s s r a t h e r t h a n as a set stable elements o f c u l t u r e w h i c h e n d u r e t h r o u g h t i m e . " of T h i s q u a l i t y o f a l w a y s u n f o l d i n g is t h e case n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g d e f i n a b l e s h i f t s i n m y i n t e r p r e t a t i o n a n d p r a c t i c e o f w o m a n h o o d . I n f a c t , it is a b a s i s f o r s u c h r e c o n s t r u c t i o n s . T h a t e a c h n e x t t h i n g c a n c h a n g e t h e sense o f t h e t h i n g b e f o r e it arises f r o m o u r m e t h o d o f c o n s t a n t l y i n t e r p r e t i n g . w a y I d i d n ' t see b e f o r e ] provide for the came to be. W e are e v e r r e c o n s t r u c t i n g . ( G a r f i n k e l 1 9 6 7 : this w o r k I stand o n the c o n d i t i o n s o f its e x i s t e n c e . (Smith (1964) and in lay I see" [in a c a n b e s a i d b e c a u s e o f o u r c o n t i n u o u s sense m a k i n g w h i c h events w i t h previous events. Throughout " O h now 1977a) following that a work e x p l i c a t i o n makes visible h o w Silverman (1975) reads i n Castenada usage i n o u r s o c i e t y 3) criterion o f adequacy: A n adequate connects it (1968), in D u r k h e i m a b e l i e f i n a n d p r a c t i c e o f " m e t h o d " as t h e route 5 to truth. be out T r u t h is d e f i n e d as c o n f o r m i t y t o r u l e . method-ical. T o f o l l o w a set f o r m o f p r o c e d u r e s is t o I m a k e available i n this w o r k m y p r o c e d u r e s i n p r o d u c i n g it. in detail in C h a p t e r II e n t i t l e d " A M e t h o d o f Writing from Women's Perspective." m a k e v i s i b l e h o w I a r r i v e at t h e t r u t h o f t h e a c c o u n t i n C h a p t e r . . . U n d e r s t a n d i n g is n e v e r p a s s i v e . I produce sense by my b o t h mine a n d not mine alone. that Not m i n e alone because always already precedes sense — as S o m y w r i t i n g a n d r e a d i n g are s o c i e t i e s , o f selves. M i n e because T text. A n d t h a t p r o d u c t i o n is i n m y acts o f p r o d u c t i o n I r e - m e m b e r exist i n a n d t h r o u g h a dialogue w i t h a t r a d i t i o n m e , a n d w i t h a n emerging social order that w i l l be readings o f m y text. (Silverman 1975: I III. It is a l w a y s M e , h e r e , n o w , producing reading o f Castenada's always acts o f p r o d u c t i o n — o f possible my-self. I lay these the 42) T h e sense I p r o d u c e b y r e a d i n g m y p a s t e n t e r s a t r a d i t i o n a l c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d a n d an emerging social order. B y reading m y text we together make something o f reconstructing womanhood. We make new meanings to each other a n d grow a new social order. M y m e t h o d o f w o r k is a n a p p l i c a t i o n o f t h e l i f e h i s t o r y m e t h o d as p r a c t i c e d b y graphers. Langness describing the ( 1 9 6 5 ) gives p r o c e d u r e s interactional situation o f for p r o d u c i n g life histories. "taking" the life h i s t o r y , i.e. the s o c i a l s c i e n t i s t t o t h e i n f o r m a n t . ( 1 9 6 5 : 3 8 - 4 2 , 53) relation to myself, because i n this w o r k I act ethno- O n e o f t h e s e is relation o f the I f o l l o w this practice b y d e s c r i b i n g m y both as s o c i a l s c i e n t i s t a n d as informant. L a n g n e s s asserts l i f e h i s t o r i e s a r e e s s e n t i a l r e s o u r c e s i n s e e i n g c u l t u r e as s o m e t h i n g l i v e d o u t b y actual individuals. H e c o u n t e r s B o a s ' p o s i t i o n against u s i n g b i o g r a p h i e s w h i c h B o a s des- c r i b e s as m e m o r i e s t h a t s e l e c t , d i s t o r t a n d c o l o u r t h e i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f t h e p a s t . 1965: 50) (Langness L a n g n e s s d o e s so b y c a l l i n g o n e t h n o g r a p h e r s t o a c c o u n t f o r t h e h u m a n a c t i o n s o f remembering and interpreting. I a d d r e s s t h i s issue b y a c c o u n t i n g f o r h o w I a c c o m p l i s h the selected m e m o r i e s that interpret m y experience o f w o m a n h o o d , b y s h o w i n g h o w I w o r k a reconstruction. The k i n d o f theorizing I d o i n this text using m y l i f e as t h e s o u r c e e x p r e s s e s B l u m ( 1 9 7 1 ) calls " a f o r m o f l i f e " a n d w h a t S i l v e r m a n ( 1 9 7 5 ) t e r m s " a w a y o f I "call to m i n d " what I already k n o w ( B l u m 1971) a n d " r e - c o l l e c t " the society I a m part of. (Silverman knowledge." a n d i n so d o i n g I " r e - m e m b e r 1975) what my-self" 6 This "calling to m i n d " is a w a y o f r e c o v e r i n g w h a t o n e h a s a l l a l o n g , it is a w a y s e e i n g a n d as s u c h is i n e x t r i c a b l y t i e d t o a w a y o f l i v i n g . of M o r e t h a n t h i s , i t is t o r e - c o n s t i t u t e o r re-create o u t o f o n e ' s life a n d h i s t o r y o f a society a n o t h e r p o s s i b i l i t y for seeing. The new T o t h e o r i z e is t o r e - f o r m u l a t e o n e ' s self. ( B l u m 1 9 7 1 : form 305) I e x p r e s s m y - s e l f i n is e m b o d i e d c o n c r e t e l y b y m y w o r d s i n t h i s t e x t . s e l f is p u b l i c a n d s o c i a l l y a v a i l a b l e as m y My f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n a r e , as t h i s m a n u s c r i p t i s . A l l s t a y o r i e n t e d t o a s o c i a l r e a l i t y w h i c h is a j o i n t e n d e a v o r . I assert t h a t t h e m e t h o d I l a y o u t i n C h a p t e r II w o r k s a n u n d o i n g o f t h e m e a n i n g a n d practice o f w o m a n h o o d w o m a n h o o d i n the and from constructed b y predominant mode my family relations. in which women These relations constructed are e x c l u d e d expression o f our experience in authoritative forms. an exclusively male attribute. W o m e n a p p e a r o n l y as o b j e c t s . I learned to be a w o m a n practices that w o r k differently. and authors. " authority I n t h i s m o d e , a u t h o r i t y is T h e work o f reconstructing m y past reshapes t h e m e a n i n g o f b e i n g a w o m a n i n t h e p r e s e n t . w o r k e d that from I n a c c o u n t i n g f o r " h o w it as a s o c i a l s u b o r d i n a t e " I use a m e t h o d b a s e d o n T h i s a l t e r n a t i v e m e t h o d b e g i n s w i t h w o m e n as t h e s u b j e c t s I n it w e present the w o r l d t h r o u g h o u r eyes a n d i n so d o i n g c o n s t i t u t e e x p e r i e n c e , b o d i l y w o r k a n d b o d i l y a c t i v i t y as t h e g r o u n d f r o m w h i c h t o b e g i n . t h e p e r i p h e r y as a w o m a n b u t r a t h e r at t h e c e n t r e . our I am not in T h e place f r o m w h i c h I b e g i n i n this n e w w a y is a j o u r n a l t h a t d o c u m e n t s m y e v e r y d a y e m b o d i e d p r a c t i c e s . M y shift t o w r i t i n g f r o m w o m e n ' s perspective involves procedures that counteract m y previous forms o f s u b o r d i n a t i o n . B y u s i n g this m e t h o d I take steps i n c h a n g i n g the s o c i a l c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d . steps m u s t f o l l o w . gress. T h e a l t e r n a t i v e m e t h o d is o n l y s t a r t i n g t o u n f o l d . I struggle t o m a k e h e a d w a y . unawares. More It is a w o r k i n p r o - I m a y i n s o m e passages r e s u m e / r e - a s s u m e t h e o l d m o d e B e a r i n m i n d t h a t I s p e a k o f t h e r u l i n g m o d e as " n o w e x i s t i n g " a n d t h e a l t e r n a t i v e o f w o m e n ' s p e r s p e c t i v e as " b e i n g b o r n . " In the a c c o u n t i n C h a p t e r III I d o n o t claim to speak to "what f r o m a l o c a t i o n outside o f these events. actually happened" I d o n o t c l a i m to present a " b i r d ' s eye v i e w " portrays a c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d i n d e p e n d e n t l y o f m y p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n it. c l a i m to present " w h a t I do actually h a p p e n e d " f r o m the location/point o f view o f m y b r o t h e r , m o t h e r o r sisters. that not father, I d o a c c o u n t for myself, for h o w I received m y femaleness in relation to t h e m a n d for m y interpretations o f h o w they received it. W h e t h e r m y interpret a t i o n s m a t c h t h e i r s is n o t at issue i n t h i s w o r k . M y c o n c e r n r a t h e r is w i t h t h e in practice o f m y construction o f w o m a n h o o d in relation to t h e m . consequences 7 I presented conference.* a n earlier v e r s i o n o f the account in Chapter T h i s v e r s i o n h a s b e e n p u b l i s h e d as w e l l . * * III to fifty colleagues at a T h e responses I received provide v e r i f i c a t i o n t h a t t h i s a c c o u n t is r e c o g n i z a b l e a n d r e a s o n a b l e t o m e m b e r s as o n e i n s t a n c e o f the experience of womanhood. M y sister s a i d u p o n r e a d i n g " A n A c c o u n t o f H o w R e l a t i o n s C o n s t r u c t a W o m a n , " " Y e s , t h a t is t h e s a m e f a m i l y I g r e w u p i n . " M y at t h e c o n f e r e n c e r e c o g n i z e d w h a t differences silence i n their o w n as t h e m e s reconstructions using what fication not Schutz that my by understanding m y account any w o m a n in m y A l l credited the relevance social construction o f w o m a n h o o d . (1962: 310) experience the bridge to o f authority and These w o m e n validated as i d e n t i c a l t o a n intersubjective my theirs b u t rather terms "the reciprocity o f perspectives." makes colleagues I was talking a b o u t a n d r e s p o n d e d w i t h similarities a n d h i s t o r i e s as w o m e n . in the Family by T h e y provide veri- world by crediting c i r c u m s t a n c e s c o u l d h a v e s e e n a n d d o n e as I d i d . T o g e t h e r w e that construct m y a c c o u n t o f p r a c t i c i n g w o m a n h o o d as r e a s o n a b l e . T h e correspondence between not originate in m y mere stuffing. ability to m y discoveries a n d the experience box them up i n m y categories o f other w o m e n does treating their experience as It d o e s n o t o r i g i n a t e i n b e g i n n i n g f r o m " u n i v e r s a l s " t h a t d i s a l l o w t h e a p p e a r - ance o f differences n o r i n a m a n u f a c t u r i n g o f t h e o r y f r o m t h i n air. T h e similarities b e t w e e n m y a c c o u n t o f m y s e l f a n d t h e lives o f o t h e r w o m e n c o m e f r o m the s i m i l a r s o c i a l c o n d i t i o n s we encounter. I d o n o t p r e s e n t m y c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d i n t h e a c c o u n t as " t y p i c a l . " "type: 4. a thing or person that represents category; m o d e l " ( R a n d o m H o u s e perfectly or i n the best w a y a class or 1968) M y e x p e r i e n c e s are n o t t y p i c a l i n t h e sense o f r e p r e s e n t i n g p e r f e c t l y t h e c a t e g o r y o f w o m a n hood. I d o n o t c l a i m that m y life h i s t o r y c a n " s t a n d f o r " that o f o t h e r w o m e n , e v e n other w o m e n of my u n c h a n g i n g , stable s o c i a l class. or universal. I do not overgeneralize b o d y o f writings f r o m w o m e n ' s perspective. experience lies a h e a d . that women's I d o n o t assume o u r differences m a k e this a s s u m p t i o n w o u l d be to vastly of women's assume experience is r e l a t i v e l y are i n c o n s e q u e n t i a l . o n t h e b a s i s o f as y e t for To a very small O u r ability to piece together a b r o a d tapestry A t present we have o n l y fragments. T h e f r a m i n g o f m y * C o n f e r e n c e o f the W o m e n ' s Studies A s s o c i a t i o n o f British C o l u m b i a , M a r c h * * " B r e a k i n g T h r o u g h t h e S i l e n c e , " Makara, V o l . 3 N o . 3, Fall 1978. 1978. 8 e x p e r i e n c e i n t h i s w o r k suggests t o m e t h a t w o m e n w h o s e s o c i a l l o c a t i o n s b r i n g t h e m i n t o less d i r e c t a n d p e r s o n a l c o n t a c t w i t h m e n i n a u t h o r i t a t i v e p o s i t i o n s m a y h a v e s u b s t a n t i a l l y different e x p e r i e n c e o f the p u b l i c - d o m e s t i c split a n d thus differing relations to a n available bifurcated consciousness. The testing of this possibility awaits consideration of other women's personal accounts. T h e v a l i d i t y a n d i m p a c t o f m y r e c o n s t r u c t i o n d o n o t rest o n a c l a i m t o universality. T h e y rest i n s t e a d o n this w o r k ' s success at m a k i n g a v a i l a b l e , a c c o u n t a b l e a n d o b s e r v a b l e my concrete the l o c a t i o n i n social relations a n d o n the possibility o f seeing f r o m there h o w differing locations o f others organise their experience differently. drafts a m a p o f socially c o n s t i t u t e d space. T h e f r a m i n g o f this w o r k T h e existence o f b o t h similarities a n d differences f o r o t h e r s is a c c o u n t e d f o r b y t h e i r l o c a t i o n s w i t h i n t h i s s p a c e . O u r v a r y i n g locations relate u s t o e a c h o t h e r a n d f o r m o n e s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n . It is o n e w e s h a r e . 9 CHAPTER I A FRAME FOR RECONSTRUCTING WOMANHOOD M y p r o j e c t i n t h i s c h a p t e r is t o l o c a t e m y w o r k i n r e l a t i o n t o t h e d i s c i p l i n e o f s o c i o l o g y a n d to the academic discourse. an i n q u i r y that terrain. takes m e T h i s r e l a t i o n is p r o b l e m a t i c , a q u e s t i o n t o b e l o o k e d i n t o , on. a journey. I use the a n a l o g y o f e x p l o r i n g a n d c h a r t i n g n e w L o c a t i n g m y w o r k o n the m a p requires that I trace the frame a n d sketch the out- lines o f the territory. A t first t h e c o n t o u r s a r e o n l y s u g g e s t e d . T h e l a t e r c h a p t e r s f i l l t h e m in. m a p gives y o u v i t a l i n f o r m a t i o n a b o u t How I d r a w the p u t s it i n c o n t e x t , r e v e a l s t h e b a c k d r o p . where I a m going, literally A n d w h e r e I a m h e a d e d is t o n e w g r o u n d ; I w r i t e f r o m a n e w l o c a t i o n , the standpoint o f w o m e n . H e r e is w h e r e I b e g i n . M y w o r k originates i n the c o n d i t i o n s o f m y life i n a f r a m e w o r k given b y m y experience a n d n o t i n the c o n c e p t u a l organisation o f the discipline. I do not b e g i n w i t h t h e t o p i c s a n d t h e m e s as t h e y a r e a l r e a d y l a i d o u t i n t h e b o d y o f t e x t s t h a t a r e c o n s t i t u t e d as t h e d i s c o u r s e o f s o c i o l o g y . I begin w i t h the r u p t u r e o f t w o parts o f myself, 10 o f t w o ways t o be. I begin w i t h t w o o p p o s i n g forces. rending. I begin w i t h the m o m e n t o f their O n l y as t h e y c o m e a p a r t c a n I see t h e p i e c e s . O n l y b y explicating the contradic- tion I lived between w o m a n a n d sociologist c a n I articulate m y relationship to the discipline. T h i s r u p t u r e is b e t w e e n t h e i m m e d i a c i e s o f m y life p r i o r t o e x p r e s s i o n a n d t h e s o c i a l f o r m s o f expression available t o m e ; b e t w e e n experience g r o u n d e d i n m y p h y s i c a l female being n o t yet m e d i a t e d b y w o r d s a n d a language o f w o r d s a n d images p r o v i d e d f o r m e b y others. I a s k h o w t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h i s r u p t u r e is p r o d u c e d . T h i s l e a d s m e t h r o u g h a c r i t i q u e o f t h e m e t h o d s o f intellectual w o r k that a c c o m p l i s h it t o a n alternative based o n i n t e g r a t i o n rather than bifurcation. I want to show h o w this cutting i n t w o happens, lay bare the w a y o f w o r k i n g t h a t p r o d u c e s it a n d a r r i v e at a n e w w a y o f p r o c e e d i n g t h a t b r i n g s t o g e t h e r r a t h e r than breaking apart. W h a t I d o i n t h e f r a m e is l a y o u t t h e b a s e s o f w o m e n ' s p e r s p e c t i v e . give h o w I w o r k e d o n t h e basis o f these a s s u m p t i o n s . r e c o n s t r u c t i o n f r a m e d i n these t e r m s . the frame o f w o m e n ' s perspective. I give a p i e c e o f M y d e s c r i p t i v e w o r k , C h a p t e r s II a n d III, f i l l s i n I used this frame i m p l i c i t l y i n w r i t i n g o f m y experience. T h e frame a n d experience m u t u a l l y interrelate. interpretation. In the account In the m e t h o d I T h e y e l a b o r a t e e a c h o t h e r as a s c h e m a o f I give t h e t e r m s a n d c o n c e p t s s k e t c h e d i n this c h a p t e r fuller, m o r e p a r t i c u l a r expression i n the chapters that follow. W o r k s w h i c h present w o m e n ' s perspective e m b o d y a n e p i s t e m o l o g i c a l shift. not merely a d d the topic "women" to the agenda o f existing approaches. They do They act to redraw what forms an agenda (Smith 1977a) b y constructing knowledge f r o m a n e w place. W o m e n ' s p e r s p e c t i v e is n o t m o r e k n o w l e d g e a b o u t w o m e n s e e n as o b j e c t s . R a t h e r i t is t h e k n o w i n g f r o m t h e s t a n d p o i n t o f w o m e n a n d p r e s e n t s t h e e n t i r e w o r l d as i t a p p e a r s t h r o u g h our eyes. ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a , 1 9 7 7 b , 1 9 7 5 a , 1974a) (Jacobson 1 9 7 8 , 1977) alternative. imagine what W o m e n ' s perspective women's perspective is n o t y e t r e a d i l y a v a i l a b l e . is a n d w h a t ' s h a p e A n d t h i s is a r a d i c a l W e are just b e g i n n i n g t o social relations appear i n f r o m this standpoint. T h i s w o r k spins o u t certain threads o f w o m e n ' s perspective. explicating o u r exclusion from I begin b y recognising a n d developing the f o r m s o f social expression, the language of c o n c e p t s w i t h w h i c h w e k n o w a n d s p e a k t h e w o r l d . I c o n s i d e r h o w t h i s e x c l u s i o n is a c c o m plished a n d obscured. I f o c u s o n a u t h o r i t y r e l a t i o n s as r u l i n g r e l a t i o n s i n w h i c h a u t h o r i t a t i v e 11 versions o f reality exercise d o m i n a t i o n over concrete e m b o d i m e n t w o r k . between I l o o k at r e l a t i o n s m e n w h o w o r k i n w o r d s a n d w o m e n w h o search f o r m e a n s t o give e x p r e s s i o n t o our bodily work. I focus on women i n " m i d d l e class" circumstances: m y m o t h e r doing unpaid housework o n the i n c o m e o f m y managerial father; a n d w o m e n struggling o n the b o u n d a r y o f universities to r e c l a i m a n d t r a n s f o r m the m o d e o f m e n t a l p r o d u c t i o n . M y ability t o name a n d focus o n this rupture between the social forms o f thought a n d experience d e p e n d s o n m y use o f w o m e n writers, p a r t i c u l a r l y D o r o t h y S m i t h ( 1 9 7 7 a ) . T h e rupture between o u r e x p e r i e n c e s as w o m e n a n d h o w w e c a n t h i n k a n d e x p r e s s t h e m is t h e focus o f major works o f the women's m o v e m e n t 1964, Rowbotham 1977, Wittig 1975, 1971). (de B e a u v o i r 1 9 7 0 , M i l l e t t 1 9 7 1 , F r i e d a n W h a t e m e r g e s f o r m e as I t a k e i n t h e i r i d e a s is a n a w a r e n e s s o f h o w t h e s o c i a l f o r m s o f t h o u g h t e x c l u d e m e as a w o m a n , e x c l u d e m y e x p e r i e n c e as w o m a n ' s e x p e r i e n c e a n d c o n s t i t u t e m e as a n o b j e c t . I a m o n the outside o f the language a n d images readily available to m e . I u s e d i c t i o n a r y d e f i n i t i o n s as a u t h o r i t a t i v e d e s c r i p t i o n s o f h o w w e u s e l a n g u a g e o n a n o r d i n a r y e v e r y d a y basis. ticed. D i c t i o n a r i e s c o m p i l e d e s c r i p t i o n s o f h o w w o r d s are s o c i a l l y p r a c - These descriptions construct certain meanings o f w o m a n h o o d . T h e y represent a n d u p h o l d t h e t a k e n f o r g r a n t e d s t a n d a r d s o f s t a n d a r d usage w h i c h , o n c e e x p o s e d , m a k e v i s i b l e m y exclusion. (Miller a n d Swift 1977) T h e ' I ' [ J e ] w h o w r i t e s is a l i e n t o h e r o w n w r i t i n g at e v e r y w o r d b e c a u s e t h i s ' I ' [ J e ] uses a l a n g u a g e a l i e n t o h e r , t h e ' I ' [ J e ] e x p e r i e n c e s w h a t is a l i e n t o h e r s i n c e t h i s ' I ' [Je] so. cannot be " u n ecrivain". If i n w r i t i n g j e , I a d o p t this language, this je c a n n o t d o J / e is t h e s y m b o l o f t h e l i v e d r e n d i n g e x p e r i e n c e w h i c h is m / y w r i t i n g , o f t h i s c u t t i n g i n t w o w h i c h t h r o u g h o u t l i t e r a t u r e is t h e e x e r c i s e o f a l a n g u a g e w h i c h d o e s n o t c o n s t i t u t e m / e as a s u b j e c t . ( W i t t i g 1 9 7 5 : The 10-14) o n e w h o w r i t e s " I " is t h e a u t h o r , d e f i n e d as " t h e m a k e r o f a n y t h i n g . " T h i s creator, maker o f words, does not include m e . I a m n o t a n author b u t rather "referring to a w o m a n , authoress." him. (Random House 1968) I a m defined i n terms o f the male, w i t h reference to T h e m a l e is n o t d e f i n e d b y r e f e r e n c e t o m e . I f i n d n o p a r a l l e l o r a l t e r n a t i v e d e f i n i t i o n o f a u t h o r e s s as " t h e m a k e r o f a n y t h i n g . . . r e f e r r i n g t o a m a n , a u t h o r . " even a separate listing f o r authoress. male into general. I n f a c t , t h e r e is n o t It is s u b s u m e d u n d e r t h e m a l e t e r m b e c a u s e w e m a k e M a n is s p e c i e s , w o m a n is s u b - s p e c i e s . ( S w i f t a n d M i l l e r 1 9 7 7 : 1 4 4 ) " M a n can think o f himself without w o m a n . She cannot think o f herself without m a n . " (Benda R a p p o r t d ' U r i e l i n de Beauvoir 1 9 7 0 : xvi) T h e p o i n t o f o r i g i n , t h e O n e , t h e self, t h e e g o is 12 assumed to be male. In o u r language w o m a n , I a m constituted the tacit subject o f sentences as a n o b j e c t , as O t h e r i n r e l a t i o n t o m e n as s u b j e c t s . o b j e c t i n s e n t e n c e s is o p t i o n a l . O n l y t h e s u b j e c t a n d v e r b a r e e s s e n t i a l . alone. is " o n e , h e . " I m a y a d d , " H e w r i t e s a b o u t w o m e n , " if I As a A n d the " O n e w r i t e s " stands wish. T h e d u a l i t y o f s u b j e c t a n d o b j e c t , o f s e l f a n d o t h e r is n o t s y m m e t r i c a l . I n a c t u a l i t y t h e r e l a t i o n o f t h e t w o s e x e s is n o t q u i t e l i k e t h a t o f t w o e l e c t r i c a l p o l e s , f o r m a n r e p r e s e n t s b o t h t h e p o s i t i v e a n d t h e n e u t r a l , as is i n d i c a t e d b y t h e u s e o f man negative, common to designate h u m a n beings i n general; whereas w o m a n represents o n l y the defined by limiting criteria, without reciprocity, (de Beauvoir 1970: xv) T h e n e u t r a l i t y o f g e n e r a l t e r m s t h a t a s s u m e w h i l e h i d i n g m a l e n e s s is e x e m p l i f i e d i n o u r t a l k o f doctors. A w o m a n d o c t o r ' s p e c u l i a r i t y is r e v e a l e d b y o u r u s e o f t h e l i m i t i n g d e s c r i p t i v e criterion " w o m a n . " N o s u c h r e s t r i c t i o n is n e c e s s a r y w h e n r e f e r r i n g t o a m a n d o c t o r . m a l e n e s s o f d o c t o r s is a s s u m e d u n l e s s e x p l i c i t l y c o u n t e r i n d i c a t e d . dant. D o c t o r s (in g e n e r a l , u n m o d i f i e d ) are i m p l i c i t l y m e n . w o m e n as n e g a t i v e not The " M a n d o c t o r " is r e d u n - This slippery representation o f neutral appears again i n " a c t o r , " the " p e r s o n w h o does s o m e t h i n g . " " A c t o r " is a l s o d e f i n e d as " a p e r s o n , u s u a l l y m a l e . . . " female a c t o r . " ( R a n d o m H o u s e 1968) that analyses " t h e social a c t o r . " A s a w o m a n I a m a n actress, "a In w r i t i n g the sociology I enter a d i s c i p l i n e d language In d o i n g so I leave b e h i n d the strange n o t i o n o f i n c l u d i n g myself, "the social actress." A l l i n a l l m y a b i l i t y t o w r i t e o f m y s e l f as a " p e r s o n w h o d o e s s o m e t h i n g " is t e n u o u s at best. M y c l a i m t o p e r s o n h o o d is o n l y r e c e n t l y e s t a b l i s h e d . It t o o k a n a p p e a l t o t h e P r i v y C o u n c i l i n 1929 to overturn the 1928 decision o f the Regent S u p r e m e C o u r t o f C a n a d a that women were n o t i n c l u d e d i n t h e t e r m " p e r s o n s " i n s o f a r as r i g h t s a n d p r i v i l e g e s w e r e c e r n e d . (Bassett 1 9 7 5 : 165-8) W e c a n see w i t h t h i s e x p l i c a t i o n t h a t g e n e r a l i t y o r u n i v e r s a l i t y is o v e r t l y n e u t r a l a n d c o v e r t l y m a s c u l i n e . ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a : 5) ( S w i f t a n d M i l l e r 1 9 7 7 ) ing to P o l a n y i ( 1 9 6 9 : 134) thought con- Accord- " A l l t h o u g h t is i n c a r n a t e , it lives b y t h e b o d y . . . . B u t i t is n o t u n l e s s i t s t r i v e s f o r t r u t h , a s t r i v i n g . . . w i t h u n i v e r s a l i n t e n t . " (his e m p h a s i s ) " w o m a n " is. l i m i t e d a n d p a r t i c u l a r i n a w a y i n m y f e m a l e b o d y gets t r e a t e d as s o m e h o w That " m a n " is n o t s h o w s t h a t t h e t h o u g h t i n c a r n a t e defective. I n t h e m i d s t o f a n a b s t r a c t d i s c u s s i o n i t is v e x i n g t o h e a r a m a n s a y : " Y o u t h i n k t h u s a n d so because y o u are a w o m a n " ; b u t I k n o w t h a t m y o n l y d e f e n s e is t o r e p l y : t h i n k thus a n d so because argument. It w o u l d b e i t is t r u e , " t h e r e b y r e m o v i n g m y s u b j e c t i v e out o f the self f r o m q u e s t i o n to r e p l y , " A n d y o u t h i n k the "I the contrary b e c a u s e y o u are a m a n , " f o r it is u n d e r s t o o d t h a t t h e f a c t o f b e i n g a m a n is n o p e c u l i a r i t y , (de B e a u v o i r 1 9 7 0 : xvii) 13 M a l e s u b j e c t i v i t y , t h o u g h h i d d e n , it a s s u m e d t o b e c o n g r u e n t w i t h t r u t h . F e m a l e tivity invalidates "universal i n t e n t . " a n d w o r k to language change subjec- T h a t I d o n o t like these definitions, that I o p p o s e t h e m t h e m , t h a t o t h e r s d o l i k e w i s e d o e s n o t erase t h e s o c i a l r e a l i t y o f t h e I inherit a n d must enter i n order to speak m y experience. It is a l a n g u a g e that p o s e s m e as i n c a p a b l e o f u n i v e r s a l t h o u g h t . T h i s c o n s t r u c t i o n o f the w o r l d that annihilates w o m e n ' s subjectivity as the oppression o f w o m e n , m y womanhood: the lack a u t h o r o r generate of oppression. authority, statements. the T h i s is t h e silence of core o f m y women we reconstruction manifest as inability our experience a p p e a r as o b j e c t s . to subject. f o r m s o f t h o u g h t , t h e m e a n s o f e x p r e s s i o n , w h i c h w e h a d a v a i l a b l e t o us t o mulate of. I n w r i t i n g " I a m , I d o , I see, I t h i n k , I f e e l , I k n o w , " I a m s i m u l t a n e o u s l y r e v e a l i n g m y e x c l u s i o n a n d r e c l a i m i n g m y p o w e r as t h e The is w h a t I a d d r e s s were made or controlled b y men. F r o m that centre for- women I n r e l a t i o n t o m e n ( o f t h e r u l i n g class) w o m e n ' s c o n s c i o u s n e s s d i d n o t a n d m o s t p r o b a b l y s t i l l d o e s n o t a p p e a r as a n a u t o n o m o u s s o u r c e o f experience, relevance and imagination. Women's experience knowledge, d o e s n o t a p p e a r as t h e s o u r c e o f a n a u t h o r i t a t i v e g e n e r a l e x p r e s s i o n o f t h e w o r l d . ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a : 3) What is clear my womanhood. male. These already is that how I am excluded is r e l a t e d to my femaleness, T h e c e n t r e f r o m w h i c h a u t h o r i t a t i v e s t a t e m e n t s o r i g i n a t e is a s s u m e d t o b e statements present men's perspective i n the guise o f general t h o u g h t . take for granted a f o r m o f e x p r e s s i o n suited to that p u r p o s e . as a n o b j e c t , I e x i s t f o r t h e m . They F r o m this s t a n d p o i n t I appear Last night I h e a r d lines o n the r a d i o that went r o u g h l y like t h i s : I ' m w o r k i n g s o h a r d o u t o n t h e r a n g e / w h i l e h e ' s at h o m e w i t h a l l t h e w o m e n . . . I get o n l y a d o l l a r a n h o u r w h i l e / h e gets a w i f e a n d r a n c h a n d f a m i l y . folk song. for granted. I d o n o t n e e d to tell y o u the " T s " voice was m a l e . It w a s a n o r d i n a r y s o r t o f Y o u have already taken that I p o i n t o u t t h a t i n b o t h cases, t h e " I " w h o h a s n o t a n d t h e " h e " w h o h a s , t h e w o m e n exist f o r m e n , the object o f their desires (along w i t h m o n e y , r a n c h e s a n d c h i l d r e n ) . As a woman I can author/per former b y enter this song only his relevancies, n o t b y as my an object. own. I become T h a t we present for the are n o t subjects i n these f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n a n d t h a t m e n are r e q u i r e s t h a t o u r v i s i b i l i t y t e o n t h e i r t e r m s . T h a t the subject o f s e n t e n c e s is m a l e a n d t h a t I a p p e a r as a n o b j e c t i n t h a t t i o n is n o t a l l t h a t I d i s c o v e r a b o u t h o w m y e x c l u s i o n is a c c o m p l i s h e d . assumed, this source that generates a version o f the w o r l d , is n o t construc- T h i s " o n e " t h a t is " m e n in general," not m e n f l o a t i n g i n s p a c e u n l o c a t e d i n t h e s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n . T h i s O n e t h a t p o s e s m e as O t h e r 14 is p a r t i c u l a r m e n o c c u p y i n g p a r t i c u l a r p o s i t i o n s o f p o w e r i n c e r t a i n d e f i n i t e Military institutions. officers; legislators; judges; corporate b o a r d m e m b e r s ; administrators o f hospitals, universities a n d government agencies; managers; business executives; d o c t o r s o f m e d i c i n e , p s y c h i a t r y , p h i l o s o p h y a n d l a w ; e s t a b l i s h e d a u t h o r s ; r e c o g n i z e d artists — these are t h e m e n w h o m u t u a l l y o r i e n t t o e a c h o t h e r ' s w o r d s , w h o c o n s t i t u t e t h e m s e l v e s as a c i r c l e b y a t t e n d ing to a n d n a m i n g the significance o f each other's expressions, w h o define the forms m a k e sense a n d d i s c a r d a n d d i s m i s s o n e s t h e y d e c i d e t o b e i n s i g n i f i c a n t . that T h e i r authority to d e f i n e t h e w o r l d , t o d e c i d e f o r o t h e r s a n d issue o r d e r s s p r i n g s n o t m e r e l y f r o m t h e i r m a n hood. a T h e y c l a i m t h i s a u t h o r i t y b y v i r t u e o f t h e i r o f f i c e s . ( W e b e r 1 9 6 4 ) T h e i r m a n h o o d is necessary a n d n o t sufficient c o n d i t i o n o f this e n t i t l e m e n t . T h e i r legitimate p o w e r is vested i n the institutions f r o m w h i c h they rule. (Smith 1 9 7 3 , 1977a) M a l e a u t h o r i t i e s a c t as a g e n t s o f c o r p o r a t i o n s a n d c o r p o r a t e a r m s o f t h e s t a t e . organisations have as e n t i t i e s a n abstract transpersonal life. through complete changes These E x x o n a n d the U . S . m i l i t a r y c a n survive o f personnel. T h o u g h they exist o n l y b y virtue o f the r e a l acts o f specific i n d i v i d u a l s , t h e p o s i t i o n s o r offices are m o r e lasting t h a n t h e i n d i viduals. T h e authority o f r u l i n g is a p p r o p r i a t e d b y t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n . ( W e b e r 1 9 6 4 ) This a u t h o r i t y is m a n i f e s t t h r o u g h p e r s o n s o n l y i n s o f a r as t h e y a c t as a g e n t s o f t h e c o r p o r a t e bodies. T h e s e agents o f r u l i n g are m e n . W o m e n d o i n d e e d w o r k f o r r u l i n g organisations b u t w e d o n o t represent its a u t h o r i t y . W e are disentitled b y sex f r o m f u l l y entering t h e offices that generate authorizations. T h e s e ruling institutions o f corporate capitalism together a ruling apparatus. form It is a l o o s e s t r u c t u r e t h a t d o e s h a n g t o g e t h e r e v e n w i t h i t s v a r i o u s p a r t s , segments, specialised practices a n d jurisdictions. ( S m i t h 1 9 7 3 , 1977a) The source that is b u i l t i n t o t h e f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n a v a i l a b l e w o m e n is t h e c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f r u l i n g class m e n . t o m e a n d t o u s as A p i e c e o f t h i s c o n s t r u c t i o n is t h a t women e x i s t f o r m e n . T h e s o c i a l r e l a t i o n o f t h i s s e t u p is a r u l i n g r e l a t i o n . T h e e x p r e s s i o n s f r o m a male centre are n o t m e r e l y m a l e o u t l o o k is the " a " perspective, n o t s i m p l y o n e o f the m a n y available. This dominant one. T h e i d e a s o f t h e r u l i n g class a r e i n e v e r y e p o c h t h e r u l i n g i d e a s , i . e . t h e class w h i c h is the ruling The material force o f society, is a t t h e s a m e t i m e its r u l i n g intellectual force. class w h i c h h a s t h e m e a n s o f m a t e r i a l p r o d u c t i o n at its d i s p o s a l , h a s c o n t r o l at the same t i m e over t h e m e a n s o f m e n t a l p r o d u c t i o n , so that t h e r e b y , generally i n g , t h e ideas o f those w h o l a c k t h e m e a n s o f m e n t a l p r o d u c t i o n are subject (Marx a n d Engels 1974: 64) speakto it. 15 Their hegemony but rather b y is e s t a b l i s h e d practical means not by some mysterious o f c o n t r o l l i n g the means o f possessing the language p r o d u c t i o n a n d d i s t r i b u t i o n o f ideas w o r d s a n d images, i n the m e d i a o f p r i n t , television, r a d i o , f i l m , etc. ( T u c h m a n 1974) instance o f this I cite m y b i b l i o g r a p h y . small i n scale, n o t published. distributors. A n u m b e r o f m y s o u r c e s are u n - T h e u n p u b l i s h e d articles are a l m o s t e x c l u s i v e l y b y w o m e n . t i o n o f r u l i n g ideas a n d the T h e works I rely o n t o b e h e a r d as a n a l t e r n a t i v e v o i c e a g a i n s t t h e d o m i n a - m a t e r i a l m e a n s o f p r o m o t i n g these ideas. Relations between m e n i n p o s i t i o n s o f a u t h o r i t y a n d w o m e n are n o t s y m m e t r i c a l , n o t r e c i p r o c a l l y M e n ' s perspective F o r an T h e p u b l i s h e r s o f m a n y o f t h e w o r k s I r e f e r t o are well k n o w n , nor wide to r e c o n s t r u c t w o m a n h o o d struggle a n d w o m e n ' s perspective are n o t e q u a l l y available. exclusive. T h e m a l e exists " i n g e n e r a l , " as t h e g e n e r a l , g e n e r i c , p u r p o r t e d l y u n i v e r s a l , c e r t a i n l y t h e d o m i n a n t f o r m . authorities rule n o t merely i n q u a n t i t y o f space. take m y silence for granted. ( S m i t h 1977a) for myself. in T h e y r u l e over me. Male T h e y speak for me a n d T h e y do not even consider asking me to speak S u f f r a g i s t s w e r e t o l d t h a t w o m e n a l r e a d y h a d a v o i c e i n t h e state — t h e i r f a t h e r s or husbands v o t e d for t h e m . (Cleverdon 1974) T h e practical lack o f ability to decide for o u r s e l v e s a n d t o s p e a k f o r o u r s e l v e s is a c o n s e q u e n c e o f a r u l i n g r e l a t i o n . Throughout this work when I use managing, governing a n d administering. the w o r d " r u l i n g " I refer to practices of ruling, T h i s i n c l u d e s w h a t is n o r m a l l y c a l l e d b u r e a u c r a c y , accounting, and planning. rule: verb transitive; to control or influence over; govern. ruling: or direct; exercise dominating power authority S y n . administer, c o m m a n d , govern, manage adjective; governing o r d o m i n a t i n g , c o n t r o l l i n g , p r e d o m i n a t i n g (Random House 1968) T h e s e p r a c t i c e s i n v o l v e i s s u i n g d i r e c t i v e s f o r o t h e r s t o f o l l o w as w e l l as c r e a t i n g i m a g e s f o r others to think w i t h . them. T h e n o t i o n implies ruling over someone/something a n d i m p o s i n g u p o n I n the c o n t e x t o f this w o r k it refers e x p l i c i t l y t o r u l i n g over w o m e n . capitalist society t h e r u l i n g class h a s t h e a u t h o r i t y t o d i s p e n s e t h e e x i s t i n g o r d e r b y e x p l a i n - i n g i t , t r a n s m i t t i n g it a n d t r a i n i n g o t h e r s a g e n t s o f t h i s o r d e r assert morally In corporate correct. that the w a y for it. The r u l i n g o r d e r is a m o r a l o r d e r . The t h i n g s are ( b y t h e i r d e f i n i t i o n ) is r i g h t / r i g h t e o u s / B u i l t i n t o t h e r u l i n g c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d is t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t t h i s m e a n i n g is r i g h t , n a t u r a l , i n e v i t a b l e , d e s i r a b l e , p r e f e r a b l e , h e a l t h y , p r o p e r , e t c . (Smith 1973) That I speak o f r u l i n g as a r e l a t i o n d e s e r v e s e m p h a s i s . x M y d e s c r i p t i o n o f the ruling 16 class o r a g e n t s o f r u l i n g o n t h e o n e h a n d a n d w o m e n o n t h e o t h e r * d o e s n o t s u g g e s t t h e s e t o be two classes or groups o f like k i n d . T h e y d o n o t at t h i s t i m e e x i s t s e p a r a t e l y o r i n d e - p e n d e n t l y f r o m e a c h o t h e r [ t h o u g h it is p o s s i b l e t o i m a g i n e a w o r l d w i t h o u t r u l e r s a n d / o r one without men (e.g. W i t t i g 1 9 7 5 ) ] . relations construct a w o m a n . Social relations construct s o c i a l class. Family T h e silence o f w o m a n h o o d o n l y appears i n r e l a t i o n to the a u t h o r i t y to express a p p r o p r i a t e d b y the rulers. O n l y i n relation to a glorious m a n h o o d c a n w o m a n h o o d b e c o n s t r u c t e d as i n f e r i o r . The My work of and from women's perspective initiates a r e d e f i n i t i o n ' o f social t h e s i s t a k e s p a r t i n t h i s d i s c o v e r y o f class as a p r a c t i c e o f r e l a t i o n s . b e g i n n i n g a d e s c r i p t i o n o f class i n t h i s w a y . (1977a, 1977b, a potentially I use it h e r e . 1973) Do not W e are o n l y j u s t I d r a w heavily o n the w o r k o f D o r o t h y S m i t h in recognising a n d participating in this project. useful term. I d o not assume I a s s u m e "class is it is y e t f u r t h e r d e f i n e d t h a n b y t h e m a n n e r p r e s u m e t h a t m y use o f " r u l i n g c l a s s " a n d r e f e r e n c e s t o M a r x a n d E n g e l s place m y w o r k u n c r i t i c a l l y i n an established b o d y o f "class analysis." relations appear relations are (Barling 1975, not class. differently taken for from women's granted Firestone 1970, perspective, how class looks J u s t h o w class once women's a n d r e n d e r e d i n v i s i b l e is o n l y b e g i n n i n g t o Rowbotham relations in m y experience from women's 1973, Ziegler 1978) emerge. T h i s t h e s i s u n e a r t h s class perspective. I n the f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n t h a t are g e n e r a t e d f r o m t h e places o f r u l i n g , w o m e n a p p e a r as O t h e r , as o b j e c t s . S m i t h (1977a) c a l l s us s t r a n g e r s i n t h e t e r r i t o r y o f m a l e d i s c o u r s e . W i t t i g ' s ' j / e " is a n a l i e n . ( W i t t i g 1 9 7 5 ) from the positions that truths a n d authoritative outside. legitimately expressions. The f o r m s o f e x p r e s s i o n I i n h e r i t see m e f r o m We smile for t h e m . someone ( 1 9 7 3 ) calls a n i h i l i s t i c r e l a t i o n t o o u r o w n c o n s c i o u s n e s s . else's e y e s . images T h i s external v i e w i n g o f ourselves i t c a n m e a n I a m i n v i s i b l e u n l e s s s o m e o n e else is v i e w i n g m e . through the W o m e n are i n s t r u c t e d t o v i e w o u r - W e stand i n front o f the cameras they wield to construct T h e y choose the frame. our part R o w b o t h a m A s w o m e n w e are e x c l u d e d o r i g i n a t e , t h a t serve as t h e s o u r c e p o i n t f o r u n i v e r s a l A n d I learn to practice this r e l a t i o n to myself. selves t h r o u g h m e n ' s e y e s . o f us. W e are o n the o u t s i d e . on In practice I d o n o t see m y s e l f e x c e p t I display this standing outside myself by using the third person to speak o f m y s e l f — "the sociologist, h e " or "the author, s h e " or " w o m e n , t h e y , " I * T h e d o m i n a n t class r u l e s o v e r m o r e p e o p l e t h a n u s as w o m e n . T h e y also rule over w o r k i n g class m e n . T h a t s o c i a l r e l a t i o n , h o w e v e r , is n o t t h e t o p i c o f t h i s w o r k . 17 e x c l u d e m y s e l f b y eliminating f r o m m y writing the inclusive " w e , w o m e n , " a n d " I , a u t h o r . " I p a r t i c i p a t e i n t h i s f o r m i n p r e s e n t i n g m y s e l f as a n o b j e c t f o r o t h e r s . t h e passive v o i c e . T h i n g s are d o n e u n t o m e b y o t h e r s ; I d o n o t d o t h e m m y s e l f . the author or actor. leave b e h i n d m y body, female m y s e l f is c o n t r a d i c t o r y . body that cannot be n a m e d . I attempt to think from somewhere I a m d o o m e d to failure. of my body. I think with m y head only. M y b r a i n is a p a r t o f m y b o d y . My I feelings outside my I cut m y s e l f off I t h i n k against my myself, to b e c o m e a pseudo m a n . f r o m m y g r o u n d i n g , I r e n d m y life i n t w o . stand o n outside I n a t t e m p t i n g it I s u s p e n d m y s e x . w h i c h discredits m e , w h i c h " l i m i t s " m e , w h i c h has to t h i n k like a m a n , to neuter body. I am not I a m the acted u p o n , the w r i t t e n a b o u t . This standing outside and experiences I write sentences i n I o w n n o f e e t I c a n use t o h e a d is s u p p o r t e d b y m y s k e l e t o n b e n e a t h . With no grounding, a n d n o e m b o d i m e n t , I a m literally no-where, a n d n o - b o d o y . Y e t , i t is o n l y w i t h i n t h i s s u s p e n s i o n o f m y s e x , o f m y e x p e r i e n c e as w o m e n ' s ience, o f m y subjectivity as a w o m a n ' s s u b j e c t i v i t y t h e h e a d w o r l d t h a t is m a n n e d f r o m development squeeze o f the myself into breasts, s t o p p i n g m y male by terms, speak science "man" I cannot participate in the progress o f m a n k i n d unless a n d u n t i l I "mankind" by cutting out menstruation a n d denying m y fertility. in modes they define general my womb, can cutting off my I participate i n seminars o n a n d perpetuate, proving m y s e l f " e q u a l " to them b e c o m i n g l i k e t h e m , p r o v i n g I w i l l s h e d m y s e x so as n o t t o b e " h a n d i c a p p e d " b y A few women have entered positions i n the ruling apparatus. a u t h o r i t y o f its o f f i c e s . the rule(ing m o d e ) . women as and to "them" exceptions. unchanged. women. A few speak w i t h A n d t h e y d o so o n l y b y s p e c i a l l i c e n c e , n e v e r as t h e o f their sex. ( S m i t h 1 9 7 5 a ) us and that I can enter the "life o f the m i n d , " ruling positions. o f m a n , in the exper- the spokeswomen T h e y are the e x c e p t i o n a l w o m e n — the e x c e p t i o n s t h a t p r o v e T o b e a n e x c e p t i o n is t o a c c e p t t h e i n f e r i o r i t y , t h e l a c k o f a u t h o r i t y o f e x e m p t m y s e l f f r o m this, to stand outside o f " w o m e n i n general" to not it. "us." This procedure Claiming exemptional can even be used with growing numbers of status m e a n s the c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d r e m a i n s T h e t y p i f i c a t i o n s go u n c h a l l e n g e d . W o m e n e x e c u t i v e s a r e n o t " t y p i c a l " (real) E a c h w o m a n i n a r u l i n g p o s i t i o n d o e s n o t o r d i n a r i l y c o u n t h e r s e l f o r get as " o n e o f u s . " ( C o l e 1 9 7 6 ) treat counted T o t a k e t h i s o p t i o n is t o s u s p e n d m y s e x , sever m y i d e n t i f i c a - t i o n w i t h o t h e r w o m e n a n d t h u s s t a n d d i v i d e d against 1 myself. 18 S o far I have d e t a i l e d t h e fissure b e t w e e n w o m e n ' s experience a n d the social forms g i v e n t o us f o r e x p r e s s i n g it that are n o t m a d e b y o r f o r w o m e n . N o w I intend to explicate this m o r e specifically i n terms o f the r u p t u r e b e t w e e n m y experience a n d sociological m o d e s o f thought. Sociology rests on a happy irony. It seeks t o E q u a l l y , i t i t s e l f is a s o c i a l l y o r g a n i z e d p r a c t i c e . study socially organized practices. Sociological descriptions, methods a n d c l a i m s t o t r u t h are b r o u g h t o f f a n d r e c o g n i z e d . . . b y a n d f o r m e m b e r s o f a c e r t a i n community. they w o u l d . . . Necessarily, then, sociological accounts describe. exemplify the very practices (Silverman 1975: ix) I follow S m i t h (1977a) i n calling the d o m i n a n t m o d e o f sociological practice the abstractconceptual mode. Its d e s c r i p t i o n s , m e t h o d s a n d c l a i m s t o t r u t h a r e b r o u g h t o f f a n d r e c o g i - n i z e d b y a n d f o r m e m b e r s o f a c o m m u n i t y t h a t I r e m a i n o u t s i d e o f e x c e p t i n s o f a r as I leave m y s e l f b e h i n d b y s u s p e n d i n g m y sex. M y d e s c r i p t i o n o f this r u l i n g m o d e begins i n a critique o f h o w I a m e x c l u d e d i n m y concrete e m b o d i m e n t f r o m entering it. In u n c o v e r i n g this r e l a t i o n I e x e m p l i f y a n alternative m o d e . f r o m w o m e n ' s perspective. body I n this alternative m o d e I b e g i n f r o m inside m y s e l f , m y female a n d m y s o c i a l l o c a t i o n as a w o m a n . a different how-to-do place a n d taking some t w o different I d e s c r i b e t h i s m o d e as a m e t h o d o f w r i t i n g methods different T h r o u g h m y critique I find m y s e l f starting i n steps. T h e n , i n this w o r k I c l a i m t o describe o f sociological knowing. A l l the while I exemplify one o f t h e s e m o d e s as I w r i t e . In the abstract-conceptual everyday w o r l d o f experience. m o d e ideas a n d images c o m e f r o m a place e x t e r n a l t o t h e T h i s place outside o f the everyday is t h e p l a c e o f r u l i n g . M e n t a l p r o d u c t i o n is t h e p r i v i l e g e o f t h e d o m i n a n t class. ( M a r x a n d E n g e l s 1 9 7 0 ) They m a k e ideas a n d images f o r us t o use f o r their p u r p o s e s , n o t f o r o u r o w n . T h e s e ideas articulate o u r needs, aims a n d interests t o their c o n c e r n s i n r u l i n g , n o t t o o u r c o n c e r n s o f daily living. T h e r u l i n g m o d e t a k e s f o r g r a n t e d t h e c o n d i t i o n s o f r u l i n g class e x p e r i e n c e a n d it t a k e s f o r g r a n t e d t h e s i l e n c e o f t h o s e w h o d o n o t p a r t i c i p a t e i n r u l i n g , w h o a r e o u t s i d e . ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a : 10) A l l t h i s is t r u e o f s o c i o l o g y . S o c i o l o g y is n o t a The tool o f university socializes people depends. t h e r u l i n g class. S o c i o l o g y is apart o f t h e r u l i n g apparatus. t o t h e i d e o l o g i c a l f o r m s u p o n w h i c h its o w n o r g a n i s a t i o n It is n o t t h e o n l y i n s t i t u t i o n t h a t d o e s t h i s s o c i a l i z i n g . N o r is i t t h e o n l y o n e t h a t d e p e n d s o n t h e f o r m s o f o r g a n i s a t i o n i t t e a c h e s . T h e f a m i l y is a n o t h e r o n e . T h i s is b e c a u s e t h e y a r e p i e c e s o f a n e t w o r k , a n d t h e r u l i n g a p p a r a t u s is n o t h o m o g e n e o u s . i s e d set o f s o c i a l p r a c t i c e s o f d i f f e r e n t p o s i t i o n s a n d p r a c t i c e s . ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a ) It is a n o r g a n - 19 W o r k is a c c o m p l i s h e d as s o c o i o l o g y c e r t a i n classes, b y b e i n g p r e s e n t e d i n s e t t i n g s d e f i n e d as s u c h — c o n f e r e n c e s , j o u r n a l s , presses e t c . T o be recognizable as s o c i o l o g y , work m u s t f o l l o w a f o r m set o u t i n t h e s e o r g a n s o f t h e d i s c i p l i n e a n d s t a y o r i e n t e d t o i t s c o n c e r n s . I n t h e past w o m e n have n o t b e e n i n p o s i t i o n s f r o m w h i c h t h e y c o u l d give t h e m e s a n d t o p i c s to the " a g e n d a " that o f sociology. comprise the agenda experience activities as w o m e n we 1977a) T h e domains o f specialization i n sociology c a r v e u p t h e w o r l d as i t is s e e n f r o m doesn't d o cross (Smith cuts fit i n t o these b o x e s . "occupations," F o r example "leisure," the places o f m e n . Our " h o u s e w o r k " as t h e r e a l "socialization," and "the family." S t a r t i n g f r o m o u r p l a c e s as w o m e n w e w o u l d n o t g e n e r a t e the distinct topics " w o r k " a n d "leisure." W h e n w e s p e a k as w o m e n w e b e g i n t o m a k e o b s e r v a b l e s o m e o f t h e a s s u m p t i o n s b u i l t into sociology. T h e "social a c t o r " excludes m e not merely b y "forgetting" I a m called a n actress b u t also b y t a k i n g f o r g r a n t e d that " a c t o r " m e a n s o n e w i t h r a t i o n a l c o n t r o l over t h e w o r l d a n d o n e w i t h the m e a n s to effect his projects. t i o n a l m o d e o f a c t i n g is a f o r m o f r u l i n g . so doing feelings. excludes women as t h o s e (Schutz 1967, S m i t h 1977a) This ra- It e x c l u d e s e m o t i o n ( a m o n g o t h e r t h i n g s ) a n d i n responsible for preserving a place A n d w e d o n o t exercise r a t i o n a l c o n t r o l over o u r schedules. f o r t a k i n g care o f W e ordinarily adapt o u r w o r k tasks a r o u n d t h e needs o f o t h e r s , e.g. t h e b o s s ' l u n c h t i m e , t h e k i d s ' s c h o o l h o u r s , the husband's others. overtime. We don't o r g a n i s e o u r t i m e f o r o u r s e l v e s b u t i n o r d e r t o serve O n e w a y we lack the social means o f effecting dent incomes. o u r p r o j e c t s is b y l a c k i n g i n d e p e n - W e c a n scarcely carry o u t projects o f o u r o w n w h e n we have n o m o n e y o f our o w n . T h e w a y i n w h i c h s o c i o l o g i c a l k n o w i n g h a s p l a c e d m e as a w o m a n o n t h e o u t s i d e a n d t h e n t a k e n t h i s f o r g r a n t e d is n o t e a s i l y u n d o n e . mode o f thinking. description T h i s c o n s t r u c t i o n is b u i l t i n t o a n e n t i r e T h i s m o d e is c a l l e d b o t h " o b j e c t i v e " and "scientific." o f a n d instructions for accomplishing "objective-scientific procedures involve detaching myself from the everyday S c h u t z gives a knowing." These w o r l d o f activity, a n d suspending m y s e l f f r o m the p a r a m o u n t reality organised a r o u n d m y centre. This means standing out- side o f o r a b o v e m y subjectivity, b o d i l y existence, p a r t i c u l a r l o c a t i o n i n t i m e a n d space a n d the p r a c t i c a l c o n c e r n s I have f r o m this place. "detachment" presupposes a n d "disinterestedness" I can find I c a n t h e n a d o p t the stance o f " i m p a r t i a l i t y , " that constitutes "objectivity." (Schutz 1962) This a n " A r c h i m e d i a n p o i n t " outside o f m y social l o c a t i o n a n d that i n t h e r e l a t i o n o f k n o w e r t o k n o w n I c a n c a n c e l o u t m y s e l f a n d m y c o n c e r n s as t h e k n o w e r . 20 From this object.of "bird's eye view" knowledge the k n o w e r appears. is a n o n y m o u s (Smith 1977a) t h a t o b j e c t is h u m a n " i t " h a s n o s u b j e c t i v i t y . or possible k n o w e r . feature o f the a n d rendered invisible, only the In abstract sociological knowledge although " I t " is n o t p o r t r a y e d as a r e c i p r o c a l k n o w e r " I t " m a y b e a h e o r a s h e b u t s e x is " m e r e l y " a n o t h e r "objective" data/object. A l t h o u g h these p r o c e d u r e s o f s u s p e n d i n g subjectivities that p r o d u c e d e t a c h m e n t serve t o m a k e t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n the a u t h o r a n d the subjects disappear, t h e y d o n o t dissolve the relation. Detachment is, i n fact, a social relationship. S o c i o l o g y is t h e p r a c t i c e o f a relation t o those o f w h o m we speak a n d write, w h o m we study a n d explain. ( S m i t h 1 9 7 7 a : 28) I l e a r n e d this objectifying r e l a t i o n t o t h o s e I s t u d i e d as a p r a c t i t i o n e r o f s o c i o l o g y . I l e a r n e d t o t r e a t " t h e s u b j e c t s " as o b j e c t s w h o d o n ' t l o o k b a c k o r s p e a k b a c k , t o p r e s e n t m y p r e s e n c e as n o t a f f e c t i n g t h e m , t o d o a w a y w i t h t h e i r b e i n g as a c t o r s b y m a k i n g w h a t they do into "role," " n o r m , " a n d "behavior." I l e a r n e d t h i s m o d e b e c a u s e i t is t h e p r e d o m i n a n t mode I l i v e d a n d live i n . I l e a r n e d it i n m y f a m i l y , i n o f the c o r p o r a t e capitalist society school a n d particularly i n university. I learned the "abstract-conceptual" mode because that's w h a t s o c i o l o g y has b e e n a n d t o a large e x t e n t still is. I l e a r n e d this m o d e even t h o u g h I sought "alternative methodology methods," and Marxism. "radical social science," even though I studied ethno- I b r o u g h t this practice w i t h m e t o t h e s t u d y o f w o m a n h o o d . O n l y b y a slow u n c o v e r i n g o f the c o n t r a d i c t i o n s i n this a b s t r a c t - c o n c e p t u a l m o d e , o n l y b y g r o p i n g towards a n alternative m e t h o d have I c o m e to r e c o n s t r u c t i n g w o m a n h o o d . And I a m still i n the process o f w o r k i n g m y w a y o u t o f this prevailing m o d e . Practicing the abstract with other w o m e n mode as o b j e c t s . i n relation to w o m a n h o o d meant treating myself along M y journey u n c o v e r s that this abstract m o d e teaches p r e - cisely h o w t o relate t o m y s e l f a n d others f r o m outside m y s e l f . m y s t i f i c a t i o n o n t h i s , is n o t f o r a l l . n e u t r a l a n d sexless. be me. (Smith 1977a) T h e abstract H e is a m a l e . knower A n d this m o d e , despite its is i n f a c t located. H e is n o t H e is n o t f e m a l e , h e is n o t a n d c a n n o t H i s a b s t r a c t m o d e is n o t f o r w o m e n , w e a r e o u t s i d e o f i t . I c a n n o t s t u d y w o m a n - h o o d f r o m his s u p p o s e d l y u n l o c a t e d p l a c e , n o r c a n I s t u d y it f r o m t h e a c t u a l r u l i n g p o s i t i o n s w h i c h he occupies a n d w h i c h I don't. I can only k n o w w o m a n h o o d f r o m inside, f r o m m y l o c a t i o n as a w o m a n . A n d a l l m e n c a n o n l y k n o w w o m a n h o o d f r o m t h e o u t s i d e , f r o m t h e i r l o c a t i o n as m e n . S o i n t h i s w o r k I d r o p t h e s e l f - d e f e a t i n g attempt to do sociology i n the r u l i n g m o d e a n d cease c r a n i n g m y n e c k t r y i n g h o p e l e s s l y t o p e e k a t m y s e l f f r o m t h e o u t s i d e . 21 Dorothy emergence Smith ( 1 9 7 7 a ) relates o f corporate the practice o f the abstract-conceptual mode to capitalist organisation. T h i s organisation w h i c h the abstract the mode is a p a r t o f is a p a r t i c u l a r f o r m o f r u l i n g , o n e w h i c h is d e t a c h e d f r o m t h e l o c a l a n d p a r t i c u l a r . C o r p o r a t i o n s exist i n abstract space. facts r e m o v e d f r o m the subjective D e c i s i o n m a k i n g is b a s e d o n a c c o u n t s a n d d o c u m e n t e d intuition o f particular individuals. P l a n n i n g is s e p a r a t e d f r o m t h e c o n c r e t e a c t i v i t i e s t h e " f a c t s " are a b o u t o r f r o m t h o s e t h a t c a r r y o u t t h e d e c i s i o n s . (Braverman medium 1974) T h i s f o r m o f r u l i n g is e x p r e s s e d , of symbols, o f events. primarily in written Documentation establishes the U n d o c u m e n t e d a c t i o n s are o f d o u b t f u l r e a l i t y . ( Z i m m e r m a n 1 9 7 4 ) tion o f "information" removed from necessary form. practiced and accomplished basis for the "what people trans-personal existence agents o f r u l i n g p r o d u c e a n d enact a k n o w l e d g e them and yet not anywhere without think" and of corporations. "people in the facticity This produc- who t h i n k " is a T h e local a n d particular that, like the c o r p o r a t i o n s , exists beyond them. T h e conceptual m o d e removes k n o w i n g f r o m knowers to produce d i s e m b o d i e d thought. It a b s t r a c t s i d e a s a w a y f r o m f l e s h l y p e r s o n s w h o t h i n k t h e m . think. S m i t h ( 1 9 7 7 a : 35) claims Parsons' e x o r c i s m o f the actor's b o d y h i s m o d e l o f t h e s o c i a l a c t o r is a p t i n c o n s t r u c t i n g t h i s m o d e . u p into the h e a d w o r l d where the abstract the m i n d . o f the body, only by 40-42) Sociology becomes gathered " o n e " ( w h o is l i t e r a l l y n o - b o d y ) l i v e s t h e l i f e o f the H e authors words. h a n d — o f material work. disattending his b o d i l y existence H e remains a b s o r b e d i n the a n d "passing b e y o n d " conceptual it. ( S m i t h 1977a: H e passes b e y o n d t h e m a t e r i a l t e x t t o t h e i d e a s it e x p r e s s e s u n t i l h e h a p p e n s u p o n The abstract-conceptual thinking and doing. doing. He A s a sociologist, he does n o t engage i n p r a c - a t o r n p a g e o r a b l u r r e d c o p y w h e n its e m b o d i m e n t as m a r k s o n p a p e r e r u p t s i n t o two from T h e p e r s o n is s e v e r e d at t h e n e c k , g u i l l o t i n e d , c u t o f f f r o m p h y s i c a l p o w e r . speaks, reads, a n d writes. mode who " A t t i t u d e s , " " n o r m s " a n d " v a l u e s " acquire a life o f their o w n quite apart f r o m w h a t p e o p l e say, feel or d o . tices " M i n d " replaces people mode Yet, W e always live i n the we constructs cannot a bifurcated consciousness, by cutting ever leave b e h i n d m a t e r i a l r e a l i t y , c a n n o t b o d y in the local a n d particular. focus. in stop A l l mental work must be g i v e n m a t e r i a l f o r m (as s o u n d s i n air o r o n t a p e , as l i n e s o n p a p e r , as e l e c t r o n i c i m p u l s e s i n a c o m p u t e r ) t o e x i s t at a l l . T o sever t h i s e m b o d i m e n t , t o r e n d e r i t b a c k g r o u n d , t o t a k e it f o r g r a n t e d requires o u r active w o r k . A A g r e a t d e a l o f t h i s w o r k is p r o v i d e d f o r m e n b y women. sociologist w h o notices the illegible text m a y direct his secretary to p r o d u c e a n e w copy. 22 A man w h o s e w r i t i n g is i n t e r r u p t e d b y appear before him. M y mother bought hunger pangs m a y o r d e r his wife to make food m y f a t h e r ' s ties a n d t y p e d h i s m e n u s so h e c o u l d s t a y a b s o r b e d i n t h e h e a d w o r l d as a f o o d m a n a g e r . For us as w o m e n this passing b e y o n d the conceptual mode is a c o n t i n u a l p r o b l e m . W e are l i m i t e d i n a r r a n g i n g f o r t h e m a t e r i a l c o n d i t i o n s t h a t a l l o w f o r d i s a t t e n t i o n t o bodiment. W e are b l o c k e d b y t h e o b s t a c l e o f o u r w o r k . for our chores, our duties, our responsibilities. the kids, h o w the em- T h e b o d i l y m o d e remains a focus W e c a n n o t t a k e f o r g r a n t e d w h o is m i n d i n g d i r t y c l o t h e s are g e t t i n g c l e a n a n d h o w t o arrange for meals. We must a t t e n d to t h e m a n d organise t h e m even i f a n d w h e n we hire others to carry out this w o r k . A n d s i n c e t h e f e m a l e b o d y d i s c r e d i t s a n d d i s q u a l i f i e s us f o r p o s i t i o n s i n t h e h e a d w o r l d o f r u l i n g , w e m u s t c a r e f u l l y m a n a g e o u r f e m a l e f u n c t i o n s (e.g. m e n s t r u a t i o n , m e n o p a u s e ) so as to render t h e m invisible. I used to wear dull m o n o c h r o m a t i c clothes i n a n a r r o w range o f b r o w n s i n an attempt to neutralize m y intellectual. " f e m i n i n i t y " and to a p p e a r m o r e c r e d i b l e as an I needed to hide m y b o d y to display m y claim to mental w o r k . A s a w o m a n , I c a n n o t sustain p r o l o n g e d a b s o r p t i o n i n the abstract c o n c e p t u a l mode. T h e concrete a n d particular e m b o d i e d w o r l d erupted in m y experience o f u n p l a n n e d pregn a n c y a n d i n m y r e c k o n i n g w i t h m y father's d y i n g . M y father's l o n g struggle w i t h cancer f o c u s e d his a t t e n t i o n o n his b o d y a n d c a n c e l l e d his a b i l i t y to stay a b s o r b e d i n the practices o f ruling. I s a w i n t h i s c h a n g e a d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n h i s e m b o d i m e n t as a p e r s o n a n d h i s p o s i t i o n as a n o f f i c e r or manager. I n o t i c e d his difference v i s i t h e sat p a t i e n t l y w o r k i n g s a d d l e s o a p i n t o m y b o o t s . us far d i f f e r e n t l y than when I w o r k e d as h i s r e c e p t i o n i s t in practice. D u r i n g o u r last O u r social relations constructed a n d he d i r e c t e d m y work. In discovering m y p r e g n a n c y I h a d to d e c i d e i m m e d i a t e l y w h e t h e r to a l l o w this process or to stop it. D o c t o r ' s appointments a n d attention to m y b o d y d e m a n d e d the foreground. ses a n d e s s a y w r i t i n g h a d t o r e c e d e . Clas- T h e b o d y c o m e s first as t h e g r o u n d o f m y e x i s t e n c e , as t h e s u p p o r t f o r m y h e a d , as t h e p l a c e t o t h i n k f r o m . T h e vividness o f these b o d i l y events p r o d u c e d a r u p t u r e along the line o f fault b e t w e e n everyday embodied experience and m y entry into abstract e m b o d i e d r u l i n g i n w o r d s . M y a b i l i t y t o see a n d d e s c r i b e t h e a b s t r a c t m o d e a n d t o c o n t r a s t it w i t h t h e e m b o d i e d m o d e is a f e a t u r e o f m y s o c i a l l o c a t i o n . A s a w o m a n I a m a s s i g n e d t o w o r k i n t h e e m b o d i e d m o d e a n d e x c l u d e d f r o m fully entering the abstract m o d e o f ruling. A s a s o c i o l o g i s t , as a s t u d e n t , as a c h i l d i n a m i d d l e class f a m i l y I l e a r n e d t o s u s p e n d m y s e x a n d e n t e r t h e r u l i n g 23 conceptual mode. as w o m e n ' s M y experience o f b i f u r c a t e d c o n s c i o u s n e s s is n o t t h e s a m e as m e n ' s n o r f r o m o t h e r s o c i a l classes. T h e p o t e n t i a l for r u p t u r e i n m y life c a m e f r o m my l o c a t i o n a t t e m p t i n g t o b r i d g e the great divide b e t w e e n m y w o m a n ' s w o r k i n the b o d y a n d my intellectual w o r k i n the a c c o u n t f o r its f a u l t y head world. W h e n the bridge collapsed I was challenged to c o n s t r u c t i o n a n d t o develop a m e t h o d o f constructing a n e w one that w o u l d be able to h o l d m y weight. Adequate By cutting explication off the local cannot provide adequate is o n e that provides for the conditions o f a thing's a n d particular a n d suspending e m b o d i m e n t , "passing w o m a n , to myself. beyond," start from I can account ensures the the connection mode the g r o u n d is s e v e r e d . In "rising a b o v e " H o w e v e r , t o b e g i n as abstract a a n d b o d i l y l o c a t e d k n o w e r means to r e g r o u n d for m y s e l f a n d m y practice o f the abstract m o d e because m y bodiment o f head work. c o u l d n o t say to m y s e l f as a s o c i a l l y conditions o f the able/knowable. abstract e x p l i c a t i o n o f i t s e l f b e c a u s e t h e l i n k t o its o w n c o n d i t i o n s is l o s t w h e n t h e k n o w e r is c a n c e l l e d i n r e l a t i o n t o t h e o b j e c t o f h e r k n o w l e d g e . or the existence. mode. work M y w o r k as a w o m a n p r o v i d e s f o r t h e em- M y s i l e n c e is t h e s u p p r e s s i o n o f m y b o d i l y w o r k as v i s i b l e / s p e a k - Reconstructing womanhood breaks t h r o u g h this silence, I speak what I before. Starting w i t h m y s e l f involves r e g r o u n d i n g m y s e l f i n a social w o r l d , i n one I share w i t h others, a w o r l d we m u t u a l l y construct i n family relations a n d i n the social relations o f the university. The place to start is m y experience recorded i n m y journal. the discrete without and self-contained everyday w o r l d , the "trivia" of m y life, the H o w I start t h e r e is n o t b y t r e a t i n g it as a n o b j e c t , as phenomenon "everyday life." T o d o so w o u l d b e t o g e t t i n g s t a r t e d , w o u l d b e t o sever t h e c o n n e c t i o n s o f m y d a i l y e x p e r i e n c e b r o a d scale s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n . t o w r i t e o f m y f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s as " t h e " e v e r y d a y abstract-conceptual particular concrete families. The mode a n d to W h a t I d o i n t h i s w o r k is t o l o c a t e some o f our concrete relations. a "the F o r me w o r l d o f " t h e " f a m i l y w o u l d be to slip miss the t r u t h that there exist o n l y real o r g a n i s e d sets o f r e l a t i o n s a n d p r a c t i c e s t h a t a family vary b y social location. ( L . R u b i n 1976, stop with I a v o i d t h i s false s t a r t b y n o t d e s c r i b i n g m y f a m i l y as f a m i l y " as i f t h e r e w e r e o n e a b s t r a c t a n d u n i v e r s a l f o r m o f i n t i m a t e s o c i a l r e l a t i o n s . again i n t o the daily Smith constitute 1973) m y family in a social organisation a n d to describe I d o b e l i e v e t h e m e t h o d I use t o u n c o v e r h o w t h e s e r e l a - t i o n s are e m b e d d e d i n t h e w i d e r s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n c a n b e u s e d t o d i s c l o s e o t h e r a s p e c t s o f 24 other family relations.* female The themes o f silence, self-denial, management i n f e r i o r i t y / s u b o r d i n a t i o n that emerge construction of womanhood that in m y is w i d e s p r e a d . account How o f the b o d y are generalizable these themes and to a social are c o n c r e t e l y ex- p e r i e n c e d b y o t h e r w o m e n i n o t h e r f a m i l i e s is a m a t t e r f o r e m p i r i c a l i n v e s t i g a t i o n a n d g o e s b e y o n d the s c o p e o f this w o r k . F a m i l i e s are places w h e r e s o c i a l m e a n i n g s a n d s o c i a l o r g a n i - s a t i o n are i n t e r i o r i z e d , w h e r e w e t a k e i n s o c i a l r e a l i t y t h a t c o n s t r u c t s w h o w e a r e . ( F a m i l i e s are n o t the o n l y s u c h places.) Different w o m e n take i n different pieces o f this reality. a m confident further w o r k can account for such differences I b y using a n d elaborating u p o n the f r a m e w o r k a n d m e t h o d I begin here. The feature framing o f m y o f the account f a m i l y relations I describe here that emerges most vividly i n the is t h e difference i n the locations o f m y father a n d m o t h e r . As a m i l i t a r y officer, m y father s t o o d inside the positions o f the ruling apparatus a n d c o u l d h i m s e l f a s s u m e t h e c o n d i t i o n s t a k e n f o r g r a n t e d i n its d o m i n a n t m o d e o f k n o w i n g . He worked as a n a g e n t o f c o r p o r a t e o r g a n i s a t i o n s i n t h e a b s t r a c t - c o n c e p t u a l m o d e a n d r e p r e s e n t e d t h e r u l i n g o r d e r t o m e , m y sisters, b r o t h e r a n d m o t h e r . o f r u l i n g a n d these practices. Her dependence organised her subordination to h i m . p e r s o n a l service t o h i m . something M y m o t h e r s t o o d o u t s i d e o f the places o n m y father's i n c o m e f o r the m e a n s o f life T h i s organisation o f relations turned her w o r k into a T h i s is a c o n s e q u e n c e o f t h e s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n o f p r o d u c t i o n , i n h e r e n t i n the " n a t u r e " o f h o u s e h o l d tasks. ( S m i t h 1973) M y mother's not work gave c o n c r e t e a n d p a r t i c u l a r f o r m t o m y f a t h e r ' s n e e d s , b o t h e m o t i o n a l a n d p h y s i c a l , s u c h as t o a l l o w h i m t o s t a y a b s o r b e d i n t h e a b s t r a c t m o d e o f r u l i n g . were part o f what he c o u l d take for granted. H e r w o r k a n d her silence' S h e was e x c l u d e d f r o m the a u t h o r i t y o f the r u l i n g o r d e r e v e n as she t a u g h t m e t h e p r a c t i c e s o f w o m a n h o o d n e e d e d t o u p h o l d i t . stood as a n e x a m p l e to me o f the w o m a n h o o d : use y o u r p o w e r against She central c o n t r a d i c t i o n o f the prevailing c o n s t r u c t i o n o f yourself. * F o r a n i n s t a n c e o f t h i s see Z i e g l e r ( 1 9 7 8 ) o n h e r f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s w i t h a m i d d l e class f a t h e r , w o r k i n g class m o t h e r a n d o l d e r b r o t h e r s o n a n O n t a r i o f a r m . Changing I s t a r t o u t as a p l a t e o f n o o d l e s smooth with butter and cheese. F r o m t h e f o r k I see m y s e l f moving toward m y mouth. I begin laughing, gasping, trying to stop me f r o m choking o n myself. L a t e r I f l a s h b a c k as r a z o r b l a d e s dreaming I a m stuck in m y throat. M y k e e n edges m e n a c e m y soft tissues f r o m i n s i d e . I have n o t y e t d r a w n b l o o d . I will be all right i f I can just keep f r o m swallowing myself. I rescue m y s e l f b y b e c o m i n g a c o u g h d i s l o d g i n g m y s e l f i n piece after sharp piece. I p u t m y s e l f b a c k o n the plate disarming me o f m y fragments. N o w I b r e a t h e as a s t r e a m (dissolving m y s e l f f r o m a s w o r d to a neck unsevered. I converse m y o p e n e d passageways connecting m y s e l f b o d y to head. A t last I c o m e together reclaiming m y s e l f f r o m hunger denied I speak m y name. I a m desire. I a m no longer a guillotine hiding i n a plate o f noodles. 26 Reconstructing means exposing the foundations a n d rebuilding f r o m the g r o u n d u p . F o r m e this involves revealing the r o o t s o f m y practice i n past social relations. T h i s j o u r n e y d i s c l o s e s t h e l a n d s c a p e o f s e x a n d class r e l a t i o n s f r o m m y l o c a t i o n i n t h e m . my self I travel, o u t w a r d tracing the socially Starting f r o m organised practices that construct particular meanings o f w o m a n h o o d . In relocating m y s e l f f r o m T h i s shift object to subject I r e c l a i m m y p o w e r t o k n o w f o r myself. i n centre transforms the imagery o f the universe I inhabit. A s a child I imaged t h e r u l i n g o r d e r w i t h m y f a t h e r f i x e d at t h e c e n t r e as t h e s u n . F r o m t h a t i m m o b i l e p l a c e outside m y s e l f I c h a r t e d m y m o t i o n s a n d t h o s e o f m y m o t h e r a n d sisters a n d planets. R e c l a i m i n g m y s e l f as c e n t r e , s o u r c e as e a r t h , m o o n o f i l l u m i n a t i o n , does n o t depose male a u t h o r i t y b y p o s i n g m y s e l f as t h e s u n o r m y f a t h e r ' s s o n . , I r e m a i n t h e e a r t h , g r o u n d e d i n myself, n o t claiming that the heavens revolve redraws the universe. That I begin f r o m m y centre It e n t e r s m e i n t o a f i e l d o f r e l a t i o n s w i t h o t h e r m o v i n g b o d i e s , e a c h a possible beginning point. positions a n d motions. around me. O u r c o u r s e s are i n t e l l i g i b l e t o e a c h o t h e r b y t h e differences i n o u r T h e l o c a t i o n o f t h e m o v i n g o b s e r v e r is e s s e n t i a l t o a c c o u n t f o r t h e m o v i n g pattern o f the heavens f r o m her or his place. We b e c o m e t h e n , m a n y centres, all m o v i n g , all i n relation to each other, m a n y worlds c o m p o s i n g the dance o f o n e universe.* F o r y o u , these centres l o c a t e d outside o f a n d i n r e l a t i o n t o me, I a i m this e x p l i c a t i o n . is t h e v i e w f r o m m y e a r t h . H e r e is t h e l i g h t I c a n r e f l e c t . Here H e r e i n I m a k e m y s e l f visible to you. * D o r o t h y S m i t h ' s ( 1 9 7 7 a ) a n d A n n K e n t R u s h ' s ( 1 9 7 6 ) uses o f c o s m o l o g i c a l m e t a p h o r s h a v e enriched m y o w n . 27 CHAPTER II A M E T H O D O F WRITING F R O M WOMEN'S . . . as w o m e n , w e thoritative place place a n d focus are n o t from o f the PERSPECTIVE t a u g h t t o see o u r l i v e s , o u r w o r k , o u r f e e l i n g s as t h e a u - which to begin. discussion, we In m a k i n g our o w n experience the w o r l d . T h i s c a n n o t be d o n e w i t h o u t difficulty. ( J a c o b s o n 1977: T h i s e s s a y is a n e x p l i c a t i o n o f m y Family account. Relations Construct the starting are c r e a t i n g a n e w a p p r o a c h t o u n d e r s t a n d i n g 11) m e t h o d o f w o r k in writing ' A n A c c o u n t o f H o w a W o m a n , ' given i n C h a p t e r III. I a m accounting for C h a p t e r III o u t l i n e s p r a c t i c e s b y w h i c h I c a m e t o k n o w m y s e l f as a w o m a n . that I n it I d r a w o u t h o w I l e a r n e d i n r e l a t i o n to m y parents a n d siblings to d e n y the a u t h o r i t y o f m y o w n e x p e r i e n c e , t o k n o w m y s e l f as i n f e r i o r b e c a u s e f e m a l e , t o h i d e a n d d e s p i s e m y w o m a n l y b o d y a n d to cut o f f m y physical g r o u n d i n g f r o m m y articulate knowledge. I n C h a p t e r III I locate these f a m i l y relations i n the b r o a d e r social organisation a n d m a k e clear h o w these ways o f k n o w i n g m y s e l f were i n the ruling m o d e . N o w I aim to e x p a n d o n h o w I came to 28 r e c o n s t r u c t this past. a woman. In accounting undoing of them. a n d different of work. T h e w r i t i n g o f t h e a c c o u n t u n f o l d s f r o m a r e c o n s t r u c t i o n o f m y s e l f as earlier practices knowing I accomplish an This new mode H e r e i n I trace practices that a c c o m p l i s h authorising a n d v o i c i n g m y o w n body, and that Sense female reconnecting subordination, reowning a n d m a k i n g visible m y physical g r o u n d i n g a n d articulate womanly A l l these p r o d u c t i o n o f t h e a c c o u n t w h i c h serves as t h e r e f e r e n c e over time. E a c h n e x t t h i n g c a n c h a n g e t h e sense o f t h e t h i n g o f o u r selves c h a n g e t h r o u g h t i m e , n o t m e r e l y b y e x p a n d i n g . t h e p r e s e n t is b u i l t o n p u t t i n g t o g e t h e r are point over time as w e before. T h e sense of t h e p a s t i n t o h o w it l e d t o h e r e , h o w it t u r n e d i n t o S e n s e is m a d e o f e x p e r i e n c e b y a c c o u n t i n g f o r i t . shifts knowledge. exper- follows. unfolds accounts my underlie the o f the w o r k that pened" myself m e t h o d o f k n o w i n g m y s e l f is a n a l t e r n a t i v e t o t h e a b s t r a c t - c o n c e p t u a l diminishing m y now. of I develop procedures w h i c h replace m y older ideological ones. ience, Our my T h e m e t h o d o f writing f r o m w o m e n ' s perspective reconstructs m e f r o m an object to a subject. practices for produce revised accounts. O u r sense o f " w h a t a c t u a l l y h a p T h i s is n o t falsifying the past. It is s e e i n g i t , m a k i n g sense o f i t . M y b i o g r a p h i c a l f a c t s a r e n o t c o n s t r u c t e d o n c e a n d f o r a l l , they are i n t h e (Smith process o f unfolding. Sense d o e s n ' t stand still, I a m ever c o n s t r u c t i n g it. 1976) Part o f the sense is u s e d i n p a r t as a w a y o f a n a c c o u n t is i n h o w it is u s e d . M y account o f family o f settling a c c o u n t s w i t h m y father u p o n his d y i n g . relations M y production o f t h i s a c c o u n t is o n e m e a n s o f m y b e i n g v i s i b l e w i t h o u t s t a n d i n g i n h i s a u r a . Facts don't relevant facts. speak for themselves. T h e y are p r o d u c e d a n d s e l e c t e d as s i g n i f i c a n t I a c c o u n t for m y m e t h o d s o f p r o d u c i n g a n d selecting facts i n this and chapter. I d r a w t h e f a c t s o f m y l i f e h i s t o r y f r o m t h e d o c u m e n t o f m y j o u r n a l . I u s e d as s o u r c e s f o r m y journal writing m y a n d passing thoughts everyday o f all kinds. experiences, memories, dreams, therapy, account. tasks I explicate m y m e t h o d s o f p r o d u c i n g these i n t o a j o u r n a l a n d f r o m a j o u r n a l i n t o an a c c o u n t i n this chapter. p r o d u c t i o n o f the domestic I provide the social organisation o f the 29 I began work towards the account after a crisis in my life that ruptured my older method of intellectual production. I had been a graduate student at one institution and teacher in another. I was overworked and in chronic poor health. I fell behind in my work and felt increasingly stagnated and incompetent. My struggle to lead the life of the mind was severely undercut when I accidentally became pregnant. While I was waiting for an abortion I learned that my father was terminally ill with cancer. Then I parted ways with my lover, who left town. I took these eruptive bodily experiences to be tragic and irrational. The powerful emotions that came with them immobilized me in my intellectual work. I could not make them make sense and I was drained of energy for making sense of other subjects. Yet I refused to give up my commitment to doing mental production. The very themes of women's studies — female experiences with reproduction, fathers and lovers — were rendering me incapable of effective performance as a student and teacher of women's studies. This contradiction demanded a new resolution. Since my old ways of compre- hending the experience of womanhood were inadequate I had to find new ones. I stopped teaching and decided to focus only on writing and my graduate work. I arranged to have the four months of the summer to complete my unfinished course work. I recovered physically from my abortion then went east to visit my father for what I knew might be the last time. When I returned I attended to the physical conditions that would organise and allow a new integration of work. I decided to work at home where I had a separate room for sewing and study. While I was commuting between two distant campuses I used my study/ workroom mainly as a dumping ground for books, papers, fabrics and tools. As a prelude to writing steadily, I spent a week or two bringing order to this space for the first time in a year. I made a place in my home life for my work. I no longer read and wrote in my bedroom, kitchen and living room, or else in a distant office. I worked in my study. That my study was also a sewing room helped me see my writing as a work of production. I came to understand the similarity between constructing garments and constructing a paper. This analogy grew very practically out of my activity doing both. I went from piecing together a patchwork to piecing together my past and then back again. I began to see my day to day writing as similar to accumulating beautiful pieces of fabric and lace. Both kinds of bits could be worked up into visually coherent forms. Reducing the distance between mental work and domestic work was an effect of my 30 w o r k i n g at h o m e i n o t h e r w a y s as w e l l . I l i v e d i n a n a p a r t m e n t i n a large o l d h o u s e i n a n i m m i g r a n t a n d w o r k i n g class n e i g h b o u r h o o d . c o m m e r c i a l street. M o s t o f m y activity T h i s house was located half a block off a was c e n t r e d i n this n e i g h b o u r h o o d w h i c h extended a b o u t t e n b l o c k s b o t h n o r t h a n d s o u t h , f o u r b l o c k s east a n d w e s t f r o m m y h o u s e . did my shopping, nearby mailing, l a u n d r y a n d eating out. At the community one The o f all these facilities a l l o w e d a d a i l y integration o f m y w r i t i n g , r e c r e a t i o n and maintenance work. W o r k i n g at h o m e m e a n t i n t e l l e c t u a l w o r k a n d h o u s e w o r k another without abrupt breaks i n time a n d space. flowed I wrote each day i n spurts. filled the breaks w i t h a dash to the corner market, a short walk, an h o u r s w i m , or b y a meal or straightening m y apartment. times centre I s w a m , saunaed, r e a d newspapers, used the library a n d b u m p e d i n t o friends. close p r o x i m i t y into banking, Here I alone, writing, without I d i d the task that d e m a n d e d m y interest S o m e t i m e s I d e c i d e d o n a clear T u e s d a y visiting a friend or l y i n g i n the sun. making I d i d n o t a t t e m p t to f o l l o w a schedule w i t h regular for housework, for writing, for play. a t t e n t i o n at t h e t i m e . I to spend m u c h o f the and day I l e a r n e d t o s p e n d a F r i d a y o r S a t u r d a y n i g h t at h o m e a n y sense o f b e i n g l e f t o u t o f w e e k e n d r e v e l r y . Being quite flexible a n d i n c o n t r o l o f m y o w n schedule i n this w a y m e a n t I was never w h o l l y o f f w o r k . Since I w a s u s i n g m y d r e a m s as r a w m a t e r i a l f o r w r i t i n g , I o f t e n w o r k e d e v e n i n m y s l e e p . v w o r k was n o t o n e r o u s , alienated l a b o u r . It w a s c l e a r l y f o r m y s e l f . B u t this I liked working hard in this w a y because I saw the fruits o f m y labours i n positive changes i n m y life. The boun- daries b e t w e e n h e a d w o r k a n d e m b o d i m e n t w o r k f a d e d also because I w r o t e a b o u t all m y tasks. My I r e c o r d e d w h a t I c o o k e d a n d b o u g h t , w h a t I o b s e r v e d at p a r t i e s a n d i n t h e everyday existence entered the realm o f mental p r o d u c t i o n b y sauna. being articulated and w o r k e d over. O t h e r material conditions crucial to m y w o r k were that I lived alone a n d h a d a small b u t livable i n c o m e w i t h o u t being e m p l o y e d . V i r g i n i a W o o l f s a i d , '. . . a w o m a n m u s t h a v e m o n e y a n d a r o o m o f h e r o w n i f s h e is t o w r i t e f i c t i o n . . .' ( W o o l f 1 9 7 3 : gave m e space. the possibility o f writing seriously. 6) My I was very largely i n c o n t r o l o f m y I c o u l d arrange q u i e t , u n i n t e r r u p t e d time f o r writing. equivalent time I was n o t o b l i g e d t o organise m y w o r k a r o u n d the needs o f bosses, h u s b a n d s , c h i l d r e n o r housemates. I appreciated rareness o f these c o n d i t i o n s i n m y all w o m e n . fueled my When energy own and life a n d i n the lives o f a l m o s t the This for discovering a m e t h o d o f w o r k uniquely allowed b y such conditions. I w e n t east t o v i s i t m y father f o r w h a t I k n e w m i g h t b e t h e last t i m e I took w i t h me two volumes w h i c h particularly stimulated me in beginning to write i n a new way, 31 The Golden former Notebook spoke b y D o r i s L e s s i n g a n d Writing Without strongly to h o w m y fragmented life k e p t Teachers b y P e t e r E l b o w . T h e m e blocked i n m y writing. T h e latter offered specific procedures f o r b e c o m i n g u n b l o c k e d . I resumed m y journal writing. This time I make problematic m yrupture between embodiment and academics, between m y e x p e r i e n c e s as a w o m a n a n d s o c i o l o g y . I a m t e m p t e d a w a y f r o m w r i t i n g i n t o r e a d i n g a n o v e l about the writer w h o can't write. T h e c h a r a c t e r i s n ' t t h e a u t h o r b e c a u s e s h e is w r i t i n g t h e n o v e l b u t i t a l s o o b v i o u s l y is her. Maybe I c o u l d write a n academic paper f o r w o m e n ' s studies a b o u t h o w I can't write academic papers a n y m o r e after doing women's studies. (All quotations which f o l l o w a n d are u n r e f e r e n c e d are f r o m m y j o u r n a l . ) W a n t i n g t o w r i t e s o c i o l o g y f r o m w o m e n ' s p e r s p e c t i v e m e a n t I w a n t e d m y o w n c o n c e r n s as a w o m a n t o m o t i v a t e m y w r i t i n g . I was n o t able t o p r o d u c e a piece o f m y o w n w o r k s i m p l y f r o m notes o n what others h a d said. Separating m y notes o n lectures a n d readings f r o m m y p e r s o n a l j o u r n a l was a practice that e n f o r c e d t h e s c h i s m . After witnessing Lessing's A n n a struggle w i t h f o u r separate n o t e b o o k s , I b e g a n t o c o n s i d e r a l l o w i n g a l l m y d i f f e r e n t k i n d s o f thinking a n d writing t o go together i n one j o u r n a l . I debated w i t h myself: I hefted t h e weight o f m y p e r s o n a l j o u r n a l a n d p o e t r y drafts. n e a r as m u c h f o r m y a c a d e m i c w o r k . I like talking a n d reading better. If only I had written W h y n o t m a k e notes o n all m y thoughts? Because B u t I c o u l d l e a r n t o change a n d after a l l , I ' m n o t v e r y p l e a s e d w i t h h o w t h i n g s are g o i n g . I b e g a n t o r e a l i z e t h a t i d e a s , my i d e a s , c a m e n o t o n l y f r o m b o o k s a n d l e c t u r e s b u t a l s o f r o m the so-called trivia o f m y everyday life. I stopped disconnecting m y intimate thoughts f r o m m y notes o nreadings, intellectual w o r k , l e t t e r s , s h o p p i n g lists a n d p o e t r y d r a f t s b y w r i t i n g t h e m a l l i n o n e j o u r n a l . I s t a r t e d writing every d a y . I wrote what was going o n i n m y life, what actually h a p p e n e d i n m y h e a d , m y b o d y , m y actions, m y feelings, m y observations, m y d r e a m s , m y fantasies. c o n s t i t u t e d m y o w n e x p e r i e n c e s as m a t e r i a l t o b e w o r k e d u p i n t o k n o w l e d g e . This This proce- dure o f giving expression t o m y daily concerns transformed the explicit a i m o f m y sociological w o r k : I w a n t t o m a k e a w o r k o f m y l i f e . M a k e sense o f m y l i f e . B e sensitive. A sensate b e i n g . Feel. Live sensibly. D o . Sense a n d m a k e sense. Sense things. I want m y writing t o m a k e sense o f m e a n d t o m e . I began the simple a n d d r a m a t i c step o f b u i l d i n g a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f the w o r l d b y starting with myself. Since t h e forms o f expression a n d images became h o w to find n e w forms and where available to look. h a d c o m e f r o m outside t h e task T h e answer was t o begin right here, 32 f r o m m y centre (in practice). J o u r n a l w r i t i n g m a k e s this n e w b e g i n n i n g . Writing o f every- d a y w o r k , events, feelings, passing ideas, p r a c t i c a l p r o b l e m s m e a n t f o r m i n g expressions for my experience. translation. 1974, Nin T h e journal/diary form Chicago 1975, D a i l y w r i t i n g o f " t r i v i a l " " d o m e s t i c " " i n t i m a t e " concerns began the 1975, Lessing Stevens 1970) 1962, new h a s b e e n t h e basis f o r m a n y w o m e n ' s w r i t i n g . ( B r a i d Moffat and Painter 1975, Rich 1976, Rush 1976, J o u r n a l w r i t i n g gives e x p r e s s i o n t o p r e c i s e l y w h a t is e x c l u d e d f r o m , taken for granted a n d r e n d e r e d invisible i n the ruling m o d e — concrete a n d particular embodiment. I n a d d i t i o n t h e j o u r n a l f o r m is o r d i n a r i l y a p r i v a t e o n e — n o t e s t o m y s e l f . space for w o m e n to be for ourselves, n o t for m e n , not for others w h o T h i s is a see us f r o m the outside. It is b y d e f i n i t i o n a n i n s i d e r ' s v i e w , a f o r m t h a t r e q u i r e s t h e v i s i b l e p r e s e n c e o f t h e subject. If the reader, s u b j e c t ' s l o c a t i o n is e r a s e d t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n o f t h e m a t e r i a l is l o s t t o S i n c e t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n is t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n o f h e r l i f e — h e r m o v i n g c e n t r e . m e n ' s hands, t h e n , j o u r n a l writing can be a t o o l for reclaiming o u r annihilated M y journal writing became a way the In w o - subjectivity. f o r m e t o see m y s e l f as I h a d n o t b e e n c a p a b l e o f b e f o r e . W i t h it I r e f l e c t e d u p o n m y s o c i a l a c t i v i t y . I did not k n o w Account of at t h i s p o i n t t h a t b y s t a r t i n g w i t h m y s e l f I w o u l d l a n d u p w i t h H o w F a m i l y Relations Construct a W o m a n . ' In retrospect 'An I c a n see t h a t I h e a d e d out i n this d i r e c t i o n . What I seek is h o w my w r i t i n g w o r k c a n serve t h e p e o p l e , serve w o m e n , s e r v e u s i n s e e k i n g c h a n g e , i n u n c o v e r i n g t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n t h a t d e t e r m i n e s o u r lives so t h a t w e c a n c o n t r o l it, i n s h o w i n g h o w the seeds o f the W h a t are these seeds i n m y life n o w ? believing that to m y what I have say determined. down. How H o w they change. of my o w n life a n d m y interest in how family relations singularly inarticulate. the D u r i n g the b u l k o f the s u m m e r I c o u l d not envision the nature o f m y e n d p r o d u c t at a l l w e l l . W h e n friends a s k e d w h a t m y w o r k was a b o u t I was r e n d e r e d I k n e w I w a s d o i n g it b u t I c o u l d n o t s p e c i f y w h a t ' i t ' w a s . I h a d d o n e s o c i o l o g i c a l w r i t i n g as a p a r t i c i p a n t o b s e r v e r b e f o r e . group's situate H o w t h e y are were b o t h present i n this w r i t i n g , b u t t h e y were m e r e l y j u x t a p o s e d , c o n n e c t i o n s were n o t clear. small voice; attention k i n a n d family relations H o w they w o r k to determine other possibilities. c o n c e r n w i t h m a k i n g sense construct w o m e n w o r l d lie i n the w o m b o f the o l d . is v a l u a b l e , i n s i g h t f u l , i m p o r t a n t ; p a y i n g passing thoughts; w r i t i n g t h e m w o m e n i n the w o r l d . My to new L e a r n i n g to write m y words; finding m y structuring o f time o n a two-week I had written about a camping trip, analysed teacher-student 33 i n t e r a c t i o n at a H e a d s t a r t p r o g r a m , a n d e x a m i n e d students at a n e l i t e p r i v a t e social situation described. college. E a c h time career conflicts e x p e r i e n c e d b y I h a d l o c a t e d m y s e l f as a m e m b e r o f t h e A s a teacher o f w o m e n ' s studies I h a d encouraged m y to write about the everyday female students lives o f w o m e n — t h e i r g r a n d m o t h e r s , m o t h e r s , t h e m s e l v e s — a n d I h a d exerted m y s e l f to aid t h e m i n developing analytical tools appropriate to this i n quiry. I knew academic being one's standpoint and ' o w n best i n f o r m a n t ' ( M i c h a l k o 1 9 7 7 : yet, engaging m y s e l f was e n o r m o u s l y difficult. m y s e l f as r e a l w o r k . directly to be a legitimate i n a m e t h o d o f w o r k that started k n o w s the everyday activities of T h e domestic l a b o u r a n d e m o t i o n a l support w o r k that all w o m e n d o is d i s c o u n t e d as w o r k b e c a u s e i t is n o t w a g e l a b o u r , n o t d i r e c t l y o r g a n i s e d b y The with I struggled c o n t i n u o u s l y to orient m y s e l f to w r i t i n g a b o u t T h e ruling ideology o f our society w o m e n as ' n o t r e a l w o r k . ' 16) paid labour o f w o m e n capital. is o r g a n i s e d i n t o g h e t t o s o f s e r v i c e , s u p p o r t a n d m a i n t e n a n c e w o r k t h a t a l l o w i t t o b e i n v i s i b l e a n d t o b e k n o w n as u n s k i l l e d a n d u n i m p o r t a n t . O u r w o r k giving concrete embodiment confronted o w n p r a c t i c e o f the r u l i n g m o d e against m y s e l f r e p e a t e d l y my the validity o f m y w o r k . is t r e a t e d b y t h e h e a d w o r l d as n o t w o r t h t h i n k i n g a b o u t . I as I q u e s t i o n e d T h i s struggle a p p e a r e d t o m e m o s t v i v i d l y i n a d r e a m : * I n a l a u n d r o m a t , I o v e r h e a r t w o w o r k i n g class w o m e n c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t e a r n i n g so little — o n l y sixteen dollars m o r e t h a n t h e y w o u l d receive o n welfare while raising their c h i l d r e n . T h e y are n o t o n l y u n d e r p a i d b u t h a v e t o s p e n d t h e i r d a y s o f f w a s h i n g c l o t h e s . I am doing laundry too. to figure out why. One of my m a c h i n e s is n o t w o r k i n g . G e n e r a l E i s e n h o w e r is p r e s e n t . m e n ' s w o r k a n d o r d e r s t h e b r o k e n m a c h i n e t o start u p . In this d r e a m I identify myself with working mothers. washing clothes, a f o r m o f housework. unpaid. B u t i n the I try unsuccessfully H e is c o n t e m p t u o u s o f o u r w o It r e m a i n s s t o p p e d . I p o r t r a y m y w o r k o f w r i t i n g as I k n o w this t o be socially necessary l a b o u r t h o u g h f o r m o f G e n e r a l E i s e n h o w e r * * , the e m b o d i m e n t o f m a l e a u t h o r i t y , I rule over m y s e l f d o i n g w o m e n ' s work. I am contemptuous o f writing about my family relations, w h i c h amounts to washing m y dirty clothes in a public l a u n d r o m a t . T h e contrad i c t i o n was that I r e q u i r e d clean clothes, a n d a n e w a c c o u n t o f m y s e l f . M y journal records the message o f the d r e a m i n these w o r d s : I c a n ' t o r d e r m y s e l f a r o u n d l i k e a g e n e r a l a n d r e f u s e t o see m y w o m e n ' s w o r k as w o r k or I stop m y s e l f f r o m writing. * F o r a d e t a i l e d e x p l i c a t i o n o f m y m e t h o d o f d r e a m t r a n s l a t i o n , see p p . 40-43 * * T h e f i g u r e o f E i s e n h o w e r r e p r e s e n t e d r u l i n g class m a l e a u t h o r i t y , t h r o u g h m y f a t h e r t o m e i n this w a y : A s a m i l i t a r y m a n a n d a R e p u b l i c a n m y father r e s p e c t e d E i s e n h o w e r e n o r m o u s l y D u r i n g the 50's he v i s i t e d m y father's air base. for the President's quarters. a n d the General's thanks. A s h o u s i n g officer m y father h e l p e d arrange F o r this w o r k h e r e c e i v e d a silver d o l l a r e m b o s s e d w i t h his n a m e M y father treasured this greatly. 34 My guideline for j o u r n a l w r i t i n g a m o u n t e d to 'rule n o t h i n g o u t . ' (Persky I e x p e r i m e n t e d w i t h this tentatively gests that the writer needs as a m e a n s t o s t o p t h e b o x i n g o f m y l i f e . to learn to produce words 'freewriting' i n w h i c h one writes w i t h o u t 1975) 1977: prolifically. a break whatever Whatever can be thought can be written. 158) E l b o w sug- His means t o t h i s is words c o m e to m i n d . (Elbow I b e g a n t o d o ' f r e e w r i t i n g ' as a n e x e r c i s e . A n d I d i d c o m e to w r i t e p r o l i f i c a l l y — over 8 0 0 pages i n f o u r m o n t h s . I regularly practiced w r i t i n g w h a t e v e r was o n m y m i n d a n d especially d i d so w h e n e v e r I was s t u c k f o r s o m e t h i n g to write. H e r e is t h e o p e n i n g o f m y f i r s t f r e e w r i t i n g e x e r c i s e . I c a n ' t f i g u r e o u t t h e m a r g i n r e l e a s e a n d t h i s t y p e w r i t e r s k i p s a n d m y f i n g e r s are too weak the to type and m y back hurts because I can't get close e n o u g h to the table t y p e w r i t e r is o n b u t at least I a m w r i t i n g f o r t h e first t i m e s i n c e I g o t h o m e a n d I ' l l get b e t t e r at t y p i n g i f I p r a c t i c e a l o t . This method mistakes, of writing without misspellings or stopping or censoring meant h a l f - f o r m e d sentences. My not crossing p r o c e d u r e was out n o t t o go words, back but s i m p l y to go o n . N o t e l i m i n a t i n g "false starts" i n this w a y m a d e visible the entire process o f articulation. My I c o u l d see h o w I r e p e a t e d a t t e m p t s t o b e c o m e c l e a r , t o f o r m c l e a r statements. e f f o r t s w e r e o n t h e p a p e r as e v i d e n c e o f h o w I o r d i n a r i l y w o r k e d u p m y t h o u g h t s i n t o increasing coherence. M a n y o f the j o u r n a l quotes I p r e s e n t i n this p a p e r are repetitive. T h e y s h o w that I w r o t e w o r d s a n d c o n c e p t s over several times i n slightly variant f o r m s explore their meanings a n d modifications, to grow familiar w i t h t h e m , to gradually to shape u p m y ideas. I need to p r o d u c e a text. on paper, to w o r k I n e e d to learn h o w b y d o i n g it, t o w o r k over ideas, w o r d s t h e m over visually n o t just mentally. Yes, t h i s is r i g h t — w r i t e . I d o n ' t have to keep m y s e l f f r o m d o i n g it, to c o n v i n c e m y s e l f I d o n ' t k n o w h o w b y n o t d o i n g it. I want to act, to practice intellectual practice. It t a k e s p r a c t i c e t o write. W r i t i n g is a p r a c t i c e . * At the same t i m e as f r e e w r i t i n g m a d e v i s i b l e t o m e m y p r a c t i c e at a r t i c u l a t i n g , it a l - l o w e d m e t o u n c o v e r the o r g a n i s a t i o n o f m y t h o u g h t s a n d feelings. G i v i n g u p the practice o f c o n s c i o u s l y p r e - o r d e r i n g m y w o r d s m a d e m e e x p e c t c h a o t i c results. i s a t i o n o f t h i s w r i t i n g w a s n o t e v i d e n t t o m e as I first p r o d u c e d i t . Certainly the organ- H o w e v e r , to m y surprise, u p o n rereading I always f o u n d some k i n d o f order, a thread that w o v e t h r o u g h changes o f * T h a t I needed to develop m y m a n u a l skill i n t y p i n g through practice aided m e i n learning I c o u l d i m p r o v e m y i n t e l l e c t u a l s k i l l s b y p r a c t i c i n g at t h e m . 35 topic, a circling b a c k to a theme o f sorts. A b o u t two m o n t h s i n t o this w o r k I f o u n d the sense o f t h i s p h e n o m e n o n . T h e connections o f the w o r l d d o n ' t have to be m a d e artificially b y m e . beings A R E A L R E A D Y CONNECTED. their connections, their relations. T h i n g s , events I need to explore, uncover, explicate, u n f o l d I need to A L L O W M Y S E L F TO SEE T H E REAL, A L R E A D Y EXISTING CONNECTIONS. ( T h e p o e m " C h a n g i n g " , p . 2 5 , e m b o d i e s this realisation.) my pain with m y events. The lover, m y father's d y i n g , m y interest i n k i n s h i p were n o t T h e y were organised b y m y life. organisation o f m y consciousness M y need to write, m y was M y writing was a f o r m i n g o f m y determined by part of) the o r g a n i s a t i o n o f m y life. ( M a r x & E n g e l s 1974: ligible j u m b l e . w h i c h was the articulated to It w a s the social order. p e a r e d as f r a g m e n t s disconnected consciousness. (as w e l l as b e i n g a 47) constituent M y life was n o t a n u n i n t e l - organised a n d organised w i t h i n a social organisation. translation into the forms o f thought pregnancy, My writing, o f m y life, was likewise o r d e r e d a n d H o w the v a r i o u s pieces o f m y life that h a d p r e v i o u s l y w o u l d come together i n an account o f constructing w o m a n h o o d , apwas that t h e y were a c t u a l l y c o n n e c t e d i n the m a t e r i a l c i r c u m s t a n c e s o f m y life a n d t h a t I f o u n d a means to give t h e m conscious expression. This means was to lay them out on paper. L a n g u a g e is p r a c t i c a l c o n s c i o u s n e s s . T h e "facts" o f m y journal do not decay over time, laying t h e m o u t o n paper meant I c o u l d go b a c k a n d k e e p reseeing t h e m u n t i l t h e y c a m e together sensibly t h r o u g h m y p r o d u c tion o f an interpretation o f them. as f a c t s i n m y j o u r n a l p r o c e s s . T h i s d e v e l o p i n g i n t e r p r e t a t i o n also b e c a m e documented C a r r ( 1 9 6 1 ) refers to this d y n a m i c i n w r i t i n g h i s t o r y : . . . the m o r e I write, the m o r e I k n o w w h a t I a m l o o k i n g for, the better I u n d e r s t a n d the significance a n d relevance o f what I find. (Carr 1961: 28) T h e f a c t s o f m y l i f e h i s t o r y g i v e n i n t h e a c c o u n t are w o r k e d u p o n t h e b a s i s o f m y j o u r n a l d o c u m e n t a t i o n a n d " N o d o c u m e n t c a n tell us m o r e t h a n w h a t the a u t h o r o f the thought...." (Carr 1961: 16) I i d e n t i f i e d f e m i n i s t t h e r a p y as a s o u r c e t h a t c o u l d i n f o r m m y w r i t i n g . it p r a c t i c e d , f e m i n i s t document therapy started w i t h the everyday experience A s I h a d seen of women and moved 36 t o w a r d a k n o w i n g o f h o w o u r o p p r e s s i o n is i n d i v i d u a l l y p r a c t i c e d a n d s o c i a l l y c o n s t r u c t e d . In m i d - s u m m e r I j o i n e d a w o m e n ' s e m o t i o n a l self-defence g r o u p that m e t w e e k l y . I entered it w i t h a d e s i r e t o explore my relationship with m y b r o t h e r D a v i d as m y l o v e r ' s s o n . m y lover w i t h m y father. cance. In writing the father. I had recently dreamed my S e v e r a l d a y s a f t e r t h e d r e a m I r e a l i s e d t h a t i n it I e q u a t e d I w a n t e d t o u n r a v e l h o w I m a d e t h i s e q u i v a l e n c e a n d its s i g n i f i - similarities that came practices I learned in c h i l d h o o d w i t h m y to father m i n d , I began to trace h o w i n relation to m y lover. uncovered i n the group a n d in m y dreams to aid m e in m y j o u r n e y . I repeated I used material I also a r r a n g e d a n d l i v e d w i t h a collage o f f a m i l y p h o t o g r a p h s o n m y b e d r o o m wall for most o f the s u m m e r . They a l s o s e r v e d as m a t e r i a l f o r m y l a t e r a c c o u n t o f f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s . * T h e i n j u n c t i o n s I f o l l o w e d i n m y practice o f w o m a n h o o d t o l d m e to be this w a y a n d n o t to be that way. T h e y i n s i s t e d t h a t as a w o m a n I was c e r t a i n t h i n g s a n d was These voices appeared to c o m e f r o m inside. I spoke t h e m i n m y head to myself. not others. T h e gestalt m e t h o d r e c o g n i z e s this i n t e r n a l d i a l o g u e a n d r e n d e r s it visible/speakable i n the t w o - c h a i r o r two-pillow method. sion. T h e s e v o i c e s a n d r e s p o n s e s t o t h e m are s e p a r a t e d a n d a l l o w e d e x p r e s - (Fagan a n d Shephard 1973) (Perls, H e f f e r l i n e a n d G o o d m a n In using this m e t h o d I p l a y e d all the parts. said to me. (Stevens 1970) O f t e n o n e v o i c e e m e r g e d as w h a t s o m e o n e else M y w o r k i n this s u m m e r centred a r o u n d u n f o l d i n g m y internalized dialogues w i t h m y father. authority. 1951) I g r a d u a l l y l e a r n e d h o w his voice r e p r e s e n t e d to m e the voice o f r u l i n g m a l e I began t o a r t i c u l a t e w h a t I t o o k as h i s n o n - v e r b a l m e s s a g e s a b o u t w h o I w a s . O n e s u c h message was " y o u are just a g i r l . " H e r e is a n i n s t a n c e o f m y w o r k i n t h e t h e r a p y g r o u p o n t h i s d i s c o v e r y . After beating a p i l l o w a n d y e l l i n g t o m y f a t h e r , " s e e m e , see m e , " t h e t h e r a p i s t a s k e d h o w I e x p e r i e n c e d myself. I s a i d ; " M y r a g e is h e l p l e s s . " S h e s u g g e s t e d , " M a y b e h e w i l l n e v e r see y o u . * S e v e r a l o f these are d e s c r i b e d o n p . 54 a n d r e p r o d u c e d o n p . 5 5 . If so, 37 w h a t w i l l y o u tell h i m ? " discounting me I t h e n p r o c e e d e d t o list t o h i m all the things h e h a d m i s s e d b y as " j u s t a g i r l " a n d r e f u s i n g t o see m y r e a l a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s i n t h e w o r l d . T h i s was a t u r n i n g p o i n t for m e i n k n o w i n g that I n e e d n o t be invisible w i t h o u t m y light shining o n m e . By I d i d have a light o f m y o w n . expressing the dialogue father's I c o u l d practice self-validation. a n d p l a y i n g it o u t I c a n r e s o l v e i t a n e w . By identifying what a n d h o w m y voices came in f r o m outside, I can choose to credit or discredit certain ones. I c a n reflect on my c o n s t r u c t i o n o f m y s e l f as a w o m a n oppressive messages. ( W y c k o f f 1 9 7 7 , Ziegler and work to reconstruct 1978) B y giving social expression to m y voices o f ruling a n d being r u l e d over i n a group with other w o m e n had not other we b e e n visible to us b e f o r e . competent work. c o u l d discover a n d recognize the shared patterns in o u r experience A successful In this g r o u p I was p a r t i c u l a r l y affected women struggling to validate b y seeing t e n themselves i n terms n u m b e r w o r k e d t h r o u g h conflicts w i t h male lovers a n d fathers. that of their This aided me in m y g r o w i n g v i s i o n o f m y f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s as s e x u a l p o l i t i c s , as s o c i a l l y c o n s t r u c t e d r e l a t i o n s of domination. A piece o f recognizing m y o l d practice a n d grasping a n e w one came w h e n I wrote about w o r k another w o m a n h a d d o n e in relation to her lover a n d her father. had experienced h e r f a t h e r ' s a t t e n t i o n as s m o t h e r i n g a n d p u s h e d h i m a w a y . far a w a y f o r t o o l o n g a n d she was h u r t b y this loss. the mattress reaching u p w i t h b o t h arms. She said, " M y father." w o m a n reached but "No, I won't." lover. The did not therapist call. A s a c h i l d she H e went A t o n e p o i n t i n t h e w o r k she l a y too on T h e t h e r a p i s t s a i d , " W h o are y o u r e a c h i n g f o r ? " said, " C a l l to h i m . C a l l h i m to c o m e b a c k . " After another encouragement she c r i e d o u t The adamantly, She repeated this several times, t h e n m o v e d b a c k i n t o her w o r k a b o u t her I saw her unwillingness to call o u t to h e r father b e i n g r e p e a t e d i n her c u r r e n t diffi- c u l t y i n a s k i n g f o r m o r e closeness w i t h h e r l o v e r . T h e d a y after I w i t n e s s e d this w o r k I was t r i g g e r e d i n t o r e c o g n i z i n g its s i m i l a r i t i e s t o m y o w n p r a c t i c e . T h e lack o f social forms for t h e e x p r e s s i o n o f o u r e v e r y d a y e x p e r i e n c e c o m e s i n t o v i e w m o s t c l e a r l y as w e b e g i n t o u n d o it b y c r e a t i n g t h e m . Consciousness raising, e m o t i o n a l self defence a n d other experientially g r o u n d e d g r o u p s o f w o m e n at o n c e s h a t t e r s a n d e x p o s e s o u r i s o l a t i o n f r o m e a c h o t h e r . take a step o u t s i d e our confines in the We domestic w o r l d a n d o u r confines w i t h i n language w h i c h excludes o u r w o m e n ' s experience b y c o m i n g together a n d revealing the truth o f our 38 lives w i t h e a c h o t h e r . blocks but come In feminist therapy groups we not only work through emotional a l s o t h i n k t h r o u g h t h e s e o b s t a c l e s as s o c i a l f o r m s o f w o m e n ' s o p p r e s s i o n . t o see o u r changes and David 1975, as b o t h D a v i d 1977, personal a n d political advances. R u s h 1973, K i m b a l l 1976, William (Freeman 1971, We Smith 1976) W h e n m y father t u r n e d his love a n d a t t e n t i o n to m y b r o t h e r I w o u l d n o t say, "come b a c k , I ' m h u r t i n g f r o m y o u r d i s t a n c e . " I h i d m y p a i n i n a n a t t e m p t t o b e less v u l n e r a b l e . s u d d e n l y u n d e r s t o o d the practices that p r o d u c e d s u c h defensive anger o n m y part. f r o z e n to m y father's attempts betrayal and abandonment. I I stayed t o give m e a f f e c t i o n e v e r a g a i n as p r o t e c t i o n a g a i n s t f u r t h e r A n d I saw h o w I was p r a c t i c i n g this p a t t e r n w i t h m y lover. W h e n he t o l d m e he was leaving t o w n I believed he was p u n i s h i n g m e for b e c o m i n g pregnant as I b e l i e v e d m y f a t h e r s t o p p e d l o v i n g m e b e c a u s e I w a s e n t e r i n g p u b e r t y . i n t o anger a n d p u s h e d m y lover farther a w a y . m y s e l f further pain. the woman's " D o n ' t c o m e b a c k , " I said. I w a n t e d to spare B u t that was n o t the result o f this p r a c t i c e . therapy work. I turned m y pain I k n e w this i n witnessing R e f u s i n g t o express m y feelings p r o l o n g e d m y vulnerability. O n c e I saw h o w this w o r k e d I w a n t e d to stop doing.it. I a d m i t t e d to m y s e l f that I w a n t e d my to lose lover back a n d faced telling h i m . I d i d n o t have my l o v e r as I h a d l o s t my father. I don't want loved for w h o to be smothered or abandoned. I am, good and bad, strong and weak I ' m n o t going to be a g o o d girl for h i m a n y m o r e . this w a y I don't betrayal. n o t because I'm going to be m e . I want to be I a m a g o o d girl. If he loves m e i n I w i l l have f o u n d a t r e a s u r e , i f h e d o e s n ' t I w i l l go elsewhere b u t I d o n ' t t o b e n o t m y s e l f o u t o f fear h e r e q u i r e s m e t o b e g o o d . be want I d o n ' t have to be g o o d . want I can myself. B e i n g m y s e l f m e a n t b e i n g a g r o w n u p w o m a n w i t h breasts, b o d y hair a n d p e r i o d s , one became pregnant. I was n o t an a n d r o g y n e , or " D a d d y ' s g o o d g i r l " a n y longer. learning that this c o u l d be o k a y . A n d I was T h e possibility o f a new practice in relation to m y a p p e a r e d i n a n o t h e r d r e a m w h i c h I translated i n t o this p o e m . who pain 39 I WANT T O BE TOUCHED I j o i n the circle p r e p a r e d for the attack m y knife well hidden as m y fingers. I a m game for the play for the fight for the h u n t . W h e n t h e y are f u l l o f s p i r i t the others close o n m e a n d I flash m y m e t a l eyes I cut t h e m o f f b y threatening m y razor touch. B u t y o u challenge m y defenses b y leering b a c k y o u r o w n sharp sight. No. I won't duel. I will not be penetrated. Y o u test m e b y s h o o t i n g m e a n d something clicks as t h e b a l l e n t e r s m y h e a d . M y eyes dull. M y fingers b e g i n t o feel each link o f the chain binding me f r o m a n d to y o u . I t r a c e it b a c k through the hole in the wall u n t i l I r e a c h y o u r finger and find y o u are t o u c h i n g m y p a i n . N o w , I'm letting y o u h o l d me and I'm not dead I am crying. Not deadening m y s e l f to m y pain a l l o w e d m e n e w discoveries. feelings r a t h e r t h a n t o n u m b m y s e l f to t h e m was v e r y scary. w i t h it t h e d a n g e r o f b e i n g v u l n e r a b l e . my d e n i e d desires a n d m y breaking the chains. C h o o s i n g to feel my L e t t i n g others i n close brought W h a t d r e w m e o n was the e x c i t e m e n t o f r e c l a i m i n g c o n v i c t i o n that feeling the l i n k s o f the c h a i n was a p r e l u d e to 40 D r e a m w o r k p r o v i d e d m e w i t h a w h o l e set o f i m a g e s , m e t a p h o r s , a n d r e f l e x i v e m e a n i n g s that greatly generating affected social my forms writing. of My expression dream work for my succeeded in b i r t h i n g the direct experience. These process of forms began an alternative to the externally i m p o s e d ones a n d c o u l d enter a m o v e m e n t o f w o m e n w o r k i n g t o speak o u r lives t o e a c h o t h e r . new images. forms. work M y p o e m s i n c l u d e d i n this thesis especially e m b o d y these A n d t h e i n c l u s i o n o f p o e m s i n a s o c i o l o g i c a l t h e s i s is a s t e p i n c r e a t i n g I wrote poems as t r a n s l a t i o n s o f d r e a m s , c o m m u n i c a b l e t h o u g h in w o r d s o n the j o u r n e y t o w a r d a sociological language new still m e t a p h o r s , from women's I e x p e c t e d w o r k o n m y dreams to be a source that i n f o r m e d m y writing. perspective. I wished not t o e x c l u d e a n y part o f m y life f r o m m y w r i t i n g n o m a t t e r h o w s e e m i n g l y p e r s o n a l , i n d i v i dual and asocial. A s m y w o r k p r o g r e s s e d , i n f a c t , I b e g a n t o l o o k e s p e c i a l l y t o t h o s e areas o f m y experience w h i c h I h a d e x c l u d e d f r o m m y intellectual w o r k i n the abstract-conceptual mode. ruling vivid I d i m l y i n t u i t e d w h a t is n o w q u i t e c l e a r — t h a t p r e c i s e l y w h a t I h a d s e v e r e d o f f i n sociological dreams work could predicting m y interpreted away give b i r t h to an alternative. pregnancy these foreshadowings. and m y After dismissal o f o b v i o u s l y i m p o r t a n t messages t o father's Before death. my crisis I h a d I h a d largely had ignored or I l i v e d t h e m o u t I w a s a m a z e d at m y easy myself. A s a step t o w a r d s u n d o i n g m y w i l l f u l " n o t k n o w i n g " w h a t I i n fact a l r e a d y k n e w i n a d r e a m f o r m I started keeping a d r e a m j o u r n a l . separate wrote notebook so t h a t it c o u l d r e m a i n c o n v e n i e n t l y each d r e a m i n this b o o k the m i d d l e o f the I k e p t this o n e aspect o f m y w r i t i n g i n a before d o i n g a n y t h i n g else. a l l o w i n g m y s e l f a sense attempt bedside. If I w o k e U p o n waking from to c o m p o s e grammatically correct sentences. to me — often o n l y half awake. ingly insignificant details. I wrote the dream in the o f r e - e n t e r i n g i t a n d r e l a t i n g it as it h a p p e n e d . I a dream in n i g h t I w o u l d t u r n o n m y l i g h t a n d s c r i b b l e it d o w n ( t h i s o f t e n m e t o r e t u r n t o sleep after v i v i d o r f r i g h t e n i n g d r e a m s ) . tense at m y helped present I did not I p u t d o w n t h e w o r d s as t h e y came I tried not to censor or discard isolated fragments or seem- I a t t e m p t e d to d e l a y a n y desires I h a d to i n t e r p r e t these d r e a m s u n t i l after I h a d w r i t t e n t h e m . I w a s o f t e n s u r p r i s e d at t h e w e a l t h o f d e t a i l t h a t e m e r g e d i n t h i s m a n n e r o f r e c o r d i n g . H e r e is t h e t e x t o f o n e d r e a m f r o m m y j o u r n a l : 41 T h e t u g b o a t is p u l l i n g a w a y . loaded. There Everyone are many, is h a p p y , social order. It is v e r y flat b o t t o m e d . many positive. people It lies l o w i n t h e w a t e r , o v e r - o n this boat. T h i s is t h e b e g i n n i n g J u s t across B u t C a r l is v e r y , v e r y , s a d . H e h a s l o s t s o m e t h i n g . s t a n d s o r is m o v e d b y h i s s o r r o w . w h a t he has lost. new N o one but me under- T h e n the little b o y goes i n . H e has fair s k i n a n d H e ' s r o u n d i s h . H e takes a r e d f l o a t b o a r d a n d goes after C a r l . sobbing hysterically. boat. T h e r e is a w h i r l p o o l . C a r l d i v e s i n t o t r y t o r e t r i e v e H e is u n d e r w a t e r . hair a n d freckles. is a n o t h e r o f a new w a y , a n e w life, a I'm afraid neither will c o m e back. I begin I d o n ' t w a n t there t o be n o more Smiths. T h e simple c r e a t i o n o f these texts o c c u p i e d m e for a w h i l e . my daily experiences attending was to my a n d past were f r a g m e n t e d a n d r e a r r a n g e d i n m y d r e a m s . dreaming acted to increase s o o n generating texts prolifically. ability to author. created vivid render this visible. generated external intelligible to translations N i n 1975, My Despite forms or me of my to each to m y experience. f r o m the c o n c e p t night. Stevens first stage o f w o r k w i t h years before B u t for t h e m to b e c o m e They write t h e m down needed the though working social forms o f (Fagan and to thought expression i n t r i g u i n g stories t h e y up. I required Shephard 1973, w i t h the dream 1970) was to identities spell o u t my immediate associations M y intial response to this particular d r e a m o f the o t h e r figures. — a n d the b r o t h e r o f m y lover. g o n e u n d e r to retrieve his b r o t h e r . how. to I existing o f a u t h o r i n g , w i t h n o effort I simply needed a n d others rather than opaque interpretations. out o f t h e m greatly. S o m y dreams were a n alternate source to the social forms o f R u s h 1973, puzzle dreams and m e m o r y how Also, merely T h i s procedure revealed to m e m y already exclusion expression my images that were not fully explicit i n the text. was I was fascinated b y C a r l S m i t h * was a m a n I'd worked M y i m m e d i a t e sense w a s t h a t C a r l h a d T h e little b o y o f the d r e a m was related to t h e m W h e n he f o l l o w e d t h e m u n d e r there were "no more Smiths." f o r t h e l o s s o f m y l o v e r , w h o w a s e s t r a n g e d f r o m m e at t h a t t i m e . some- M y s o b b i n g t h e n was T h i s was the first m e a n - ing I read in the dream. I e n g a g e d i n a s e c o n d stage o f d r e a m w o r k o n c e I i n v e n t e d a n a d a p t a t i o n o f t h e p r i n c i p l e t h a t " y o u are e v e r y p a r t o f y o u r d r e a m . " ( F a g a n a n d S h e p h a r d 1 9 7 3 , * T h i s n a m e is f i c t i t i o u s . Rush Gestalt 1973, 42 Stevens 1970) I d e v e l o p e d this f o r m o f d r e a m w o r k w e l l after I b e g a n r e c o r d i n g m y and before I witnessed Gestalt dream w o r k in therapy groups. dreams I w o r k e d f r o m the text of m y d r e a m sentence b y sentence, this time w r i t i n g i n the p e r s o n o f each object a n d character. I e l a b o r a t e d o n w h o o r w h a t I was a b o u t i n this shape. i n this w a y repetitive. dramatically uncovered new meanings. M a k i n g the d r e a m self-reflexive T h e w o r k t h a t f o l l o w s is l e n g t h y N o n e t h e l e s s I q u o t e it i n f u l l t o i l l u s t r a t e t h e e n t i r e p r o c e s s o f w o r k o n t h e and above dream. I a m a tug boat. I a m a strong small boat with a big m o t o r . a m pulling away. I a m v e r y flat b o t t o m e d . shore. myself. I lie l o w i n m y s e l f , the water. I a m overloaded. I a m c a r r y i n g m y s e l f as m a n y I a m another boat. I a m like a ferry. many people. n e w life, a new social order. I a m very, very sad. I a m n e w a n d better. I am Carl. lost s o m e t h i n g . understands myself. I have lost myself. I have lost m y brother. under. I go i n t o m e . I dive into myself. P a r t o f m e is j o y o u s a n d n e w . I follow m y sorrow under I want to rescue myself. afloat. I d o n ' t w a n t to sink w i t h m y loss. even greater loss. I a m under water. T h e n I a m a little b o y . I follow myself I a m related to m y s e l f through m y lover. I t a k e m y s e l f as a r e d f l o a t b o a r d a n d g o a f t e r m y s o r r o w i n g self. to I me I a m fairhaired a n d s k i n n e d . I have freckles. I'm roundish. I a m m y o w n brother or child. I want N o one but I a m circling water, pulling d o w n , I dive i n to t r y to retrieve what I have lost. I a m n o t visible to m e . joyousness M y l o v e r is m y b r o t h e r . m y surface t r y i n g to b r i n g u p what I have lost, what parts o f myself. I a m b e l o w m y surface. on myself. I a m h a p p y , positive. B u t i n the m i d s t o f m y O n l y I am moved b y m y sorrow. I am a whirlpool. I I a m the beginning o f a n e w w a y , a I a m m y lover's brother. B u t part o f m e m o u r n s the o l d . sucking under. I a m many m a n y people I a m just across f r o m I a m t w o boats just across f r o m each other. I a m i n a g o o d m o o d , e x c i t e d at n e w b e g i n n i n g s . have I p u s h or p u l l myself. I ferry m y s e l f to another pull me to the surface. I want to help m e . I want to keep I begin sobbing hysterically. I t h i n k I can't bear to lose even m o r e . myself I anticipate I c r y t o see m y s e l f g o u n d e r a n d then be driven to try hopelessly to bring m y s e l f back. I'm afraid neither parts o f me will come I don't want me to go. back. I t h i n k I a m gone for g o o d , forever. d o n ' t w a n t t o l o s e m e as l o v e r , b r o t h e r a n d c h i l d . Smiths. I d o n ' t w a n t t o lose m y f a m i l y . let loose o f m y past. I I d o n ' t w a n t there to be n o m o r e I d o n ' t want to lose m y past. I don't want to I a m sad a b o u t m o v i n g o n to a n e w order. I l o o k b a c k a n d u n d e r and cry for losing myself. T h i s p r o c e d u r e t r a n s f o r m e d the relations o f the d r e a m characters to each other i n t o relations I practiced w i t h myself. own. I a m n o longer m o v e d b y Carl's sorrow. T h i s t e c h n i q u e p o r t r a y e d e v e r y a c t i o n o f t h e d r e a m as m y o w n . I am moved by my It m a d e v i s i b l e m y authorship o f the d r e a m . In this process o f w r i t i n g I again a t t e m p t e d m e a n i n g o f the dream. quieting meanings.. t o p u t a s i d e d e s i r e f o r a f u l l sense o f t h e I f I t r i e d t o f o r c e sense o u t o f m y d r e a m s I b e c a m e b l i n d t o d i s - I would not the meaning o f m y dreams. allow them to teach m e . It w a s h a r d f o r m e t o t a k e i n T h e y o f t e n s p o k e things I was m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e n o t hearing. 43 E n t e r i n g a n d e x p l o r i n g e a c h o b j e c t o r p e r s o n i n t h e d r e a m i n t u r n a l l o w e d m e t o d i s c o v e r its aspects a n d to be surprised, d i s t u r b e d a n d enlightened. After w r i t i n g this d r e a m w o r k the w h o l e . sentence by sentence I u s u a l l y s t i l l l a c k e d a sense of M y t h i r d step was t o r e a d over this w o r k t h i n k i n g n o t o f the d r e a m b u t o f t h e . literal m e a n i n g o f the sentences. I u n d e r l i n e d ones t h a t s p o k e t o m e as t r u e . From the above w o r k I extracted: I am overloaded. I a m beginning a n e w way, a n e w life, a n e w social order. Part o f m e m o u r n s the o l d . I follow my s o r r o w u n d e r the surface t r y i n g to b r i n g u p what parts o f m y s e l f I have lost. I c r y t o see m y s e l f d r i v e n t o t r y h o p e l e s s l y t o b r i n g m y s e l f b a c k . I d o n ' t w a n t t o lose m y family. I d o n ' t w a n t to lose m y past. I a m sad about m o v i n g o n to a new order. These statements mourned my b u i l d a fuller, deeper m e a n i n g o f the d r e a m . losses at a t i m e w h e n m y e x c i t e m e n t I was s u r p r i s e d to learn I at w o r k i n g i n a n e w w a y a n d releasing m y s e l f f r o m o l d p a i n f u l practices was h i g h . I did not recount the specific autobiographical events that were instances of my f a m i l y relations u n t i l I actually w r o t e a draft o f the a c c o u n t . ( T h e drafts were distinguished from the w o r k that p r e c e d e d t h e m i n that I k e p t t h e m separated f r o m m y daily journal). H o w e v e r , m y a b i l i t y t o r e c a l l t h i s d e t a i l a n d t o o r g a n i s e it i n t o t h a t p a r t i c u l a r a c c o u n t was predicated The o n the r e c o g n i t i o n a n d acceptance d r e a m w o r k revealed that o f t h e losses t h a t t h i s d r e a m s p o k e o f . " n o more S m i t h ' s " meant to me " n o more family." o f this d r e a m entered i n t o m y account o f family T h e message relations i n m y e x p l i c a t i o n o f losses: I lived apart f r o m m y natal f a m i l y a n d r e a f f i r m e d m y c h o i c e n o t to enter a n o t h e r b y t e r m i n ating m y p r e g n a n c y ; I lost m y father's love for b e i n g "just a g i r l , " a n d t h e n I lost m y respect for his p a t r i a r c h a l a u t h o r i t y ; I lose a close r e l a t i o n w i t h m y b r o t h e r b y b e i n g d i v i d e d f r o m him by the practices gender-specific techniques; silence. the o f gender; I lost I lost described. of of my own abilities t h r o u g h r e c o g n i t i o n l i m i t a t i o n s ; I lost t o u c h w i t h m y female b o d y t h r o u g h careful closeness I accomplished ground many such management a n d s o l i d a r i t y w i t h m y m o t h e r a n d sisters b y o u r p r a c t i c e s moving from emotions the as p r a c t i c e s e m o t i o n a l learning o f the d r e a m to by c o n t i n u i n g to write i n the of of accounting method I have 44 My further j o u r n a l writing revealed yet a n o t h e r message o f the d r e a m o n the d a y I discovered I was pregnant a s e c o n d t i m e . dream. I had I k n e w this f r o m reading m y b o d y w i t h o u t the c o n f i r m a t i o n o f a m e d i c a l o p i n i o n a n d I d i d not d o u b t it. Since b y time I had spent three months learning from my this lived experience my that first r e s p o n s e to this u n w a n t e d p r e g n a n c y was t o ask w h a t I c o u l d l e a r n f r o m it. Why a m I being pregnant now? W h a t is t h e W h a t struggle have I m a p p e d o u t f o r m y s e l f ? . u n r e s o l v e d things f r o m the past. . . . p u r p o s e to m e in m y life right now? . . T h i s c o u l d be a chance to deal w i t h I w a n t t o lie d o w n a n d have t h e m e a n i n g o f a l l this c o m e to m e i n a n i m p o r t a n t d r e a m message. T h e a b o v e d r e a m a p p e a r e d as m y a n s w e r . H o w b e i n g pregnant was c o n n e c t e d w i t h s o r r o w f o r m y losses r e m a i n e d o b s c u r e t o m e u n t i l I r e l a t e d m y q u e s t i o n a n d t h e d r e a m t o a f r i e n d . W e d i s c u s s e d m y d r e a m w o r k a n d she s a i d , " B u t C i n d y , y o u a r e f o r g e t t i n g t h a t t h e l i t t l e b o y you have nant." l o s t is y o u r s e l f . Then, by Y o u c e r t a i n l y c a n ' t be y o u r d a d d y ' s little b o y i f y o u are p r e g - noticing that m e a n i n g i n the dream's answer. all m y losses w e r e o f male personas, I was able to read P r e g n a n c y was m y struggle t o give u p t r y i n g t o be a m a n , t r y i n g to d e n y m y female e m b o d i m e n t , t r y i n g t o s u s p e n d m y sex a n d enter the c o n c e p t u a l m o d e o n male terms. In d e v e l o p i n g a n e w w a y o f life, a n e w m e t h o d o f w o r k , I was letting go o f b e i n g C a r l , m y lover, a little b o y , m y b r o t h e r , m y d a d d y . I d i d not have to c o n t i n u e t h e p r a c t i c e o f t r y i n g t o b e l o v e d b y m e n as t h e m a g i c l i t t l e b o y " D a v i d " at t h e e x p e n s e m y woman's body. new way of work of I w a s b e g i n n i n g a n e w w a y o f l i v i n g as C i n d y , a g r o w n - u p w o m a n a n d a from the standpoint of women. I wrote this p o e m shortly before p r o d u c e d the account. Deja V u the second pregnancy the second a b o r t i o n t h e s e c o n d f a i l u r e o f s t a t i s t i c a l l y safe b i r t h c o n t r o l the s e c o n d g r o w t h away f r o m m y h e a d m y b o d y has a m i n d o f her o w n w i t h w h i c h she r e - m i n d s m e , j u s t as I t r y t o l i v e i n t h e m o m e n t , at e a c h p o i n t o n t h e c i r c l e , this very s e c o n d , I a m not only n o w b u t again I was c i r c l e d b a c k t o the place o f m y b e g i n n i n g . I was again pregnant, facing a n I 45 a b o r t i o n , k n o w i n g t h a t m y f a t h e r w a s far a w a y a n d g r o w i n g c l o s e t o d e a t h . such encounters w i t h the b o d y work. a n d the O n l y this t i m e b o u n d a r i e s o f life d i d n o t i m m o b i l i z e m e i n m y T h e y n o l o n g e r d i s c r e d i t e d m e f r o m p u r s u i n g the life o f the m i n d . M y focus o n m y e m b o d i m e n t r e - m i n d e d m e o f t h i s as t h e s o u r c e o f m y g e n e r a t i o n o f w o r d s . H o w m u c h I still w a n t to forget m y female b o d y . H o w m u c h I still w a n t m e n s t r u a t i o n to be o d o u r l e s s , stainless, crampless, hassle-free, i n v i s i b l e , as c l o s e t o n o n - e x i s t e n t possible — e x c e p t , o f c o u r s e , I w a n t it t o t e l l m e w i t h r e l i e f t h a t I ' m n o t w h i c h is w o r s e u n d e n i a b i l i t y o f m y b o d y . N o t able to d e n y m y ability. U n — not. D e n i — deny. as pregnant A b i l i t y — ability. P r e g n a n c y as a b i l i t y ? ! T h e p r a c t i c e o f s t a r t i n g i n a n e w p l a c e , s t a r t i n g w i t h m y s e l f , s t a r t i n g as a w o m a n r e q u i r e d starting again, this time f r o m m y body. I s u d d e n l y r e m e m b e r I a m still b l e e d i n g f r o m m y c u n t . there a u n i q u e w o m e n ' s I go to p u t i n a t a m p o n . art i f a l l c u l t u r e has b e e n m a l e - d e f i n e d ? a r t w i t h m e n s t r u a l b l o o d as p a i n t . Is I think o f tampon W o m e n ' s art begins i n o u r v e r y b o d i e s . M y integration o f concrete embodiments in m y head w o r k allowed me to write from m y b o d y r a t h e r t h a n against h e r . I w r o t e t h e drafts o f m y a c c o u n t o f f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s w h i l e pregnant. M y b o d i l y a w a r e n e s s at t h i s t i m e s t i m u l a t e d m e p a r t i c u l a r l y i n a c c o u n t i n g f o r m y practices during p u b e r t y . ' Uncovering meant how speaking the b o d i l y experiences unspeakable. had been managed so as t o r e m a i n i n a r t i c u l a t e In e x p l o r i n g the lack o f a language adequate to express m y w o m a n ' s b o d y I w o r k e d at p r o d u c i n g o n e . I a m a n e w b o d y d i s c o v e r e d n o t as O t h e r , as f o r e i g n , a b n o r m a l , s h a m e f u l a n d d a n g e r o u s b u t as m y o w n , m y s e l f , m y b e i n g , m y f e e l i n g , m y p o w e r . My o r g a s m s are m a g i c , m y g e n i t a l s a b e a u t i f u l f l o w e r . delicious. M y m e n s t r u a l b l o o d d o e s n o t scare m e . w o n d e r , soft, my strong, w a r m , dark a n d comfortable. femaleness. tatively M y breasts are lovely. M y f l u i d s s m e l l so g o o d , t a s t e M y c u n t is n o t u n k n o w n . In the g u i d e d fantasy It is a I explored I travelled t h r o u g h m y vagina a n d cervix, gazed into m y w o m b , ten- l o o k i n g into all m y dark corners, feeling m y s e l f where I h a d b e e n taught have n o feeling, where I h a d b e e n taught to d e n y myself. to N o w , I have hair where hair g r o w s — o n m y c h i n , n i p p l e s , s t o m a c h , c r o t c h , u n d e r a r m s , legs. I a m b e a u t i f u l l y l u s h . I love m y soft a n d c u r l y l o c k s . I like the feel o f m y hair, I like m y l o o k t o o . Writing f r o m the s t a n d p o i n t o f insider to m y b o d y a l l o w e d a n a c c o u n t o f m y previous d i s t a n c e a n d d e n i a l at t h e s a m e t i m e as i t t r a n s f o r m e d t h i s r e l a t i o n s h i p . I c o u l d n o t see m y b o d y o r m y s e l f as a n o b j e c t w h e n I f u l l y e n t e r e d m y b o d i l y a c t i v i t y as t h e d o e r . full .sentences a n d s t o p p e d activity t h r o u g h the passive e l i m i n a t i n g the voice subject. or the personless I carefully "one." I wrote in avoided disappearing I often wrote in the my present 46 tense to emphasize the immediacy of my activity. I a u t h o r e d arrays o f sentences all be- g i n n i n g w i t h "I w a n t . . . . , " "I n e e d . . . . , " "I resent. . . . " I swam and I walked and I jogged. I w e n t t o t h e w o m e n ' s s a u n a as o f t e n as f i v e t i m e s a w e e k . practices o f other w o m e n . I noticed who wore T h e r e I a t t e n d e d to the b o d i l y s w i m suits, w h o w o r e towels, w h o went n a k e d , h o w t h e y sat a n d m o v e d a n d l o o k e d a n d d i d n ' t l o o k at e a c h o t h e r ' s b o d i e s . I prac- ticed being visible to t h e m And I n a k e d , sweating, w r o t e a b o u t w h a t I saw a n d d i d . bodies to be ducing and subjectivity. observer w i t h a bird's eye concerns i n that a n d myself. I n d o i n g so I w a s b r e a k i n g t h e r u l e s w h i c h r e q u i r e f e m a l e socially inexpressible, mute a n d u n n a m e d . a n objective location hairy, l u m p y , imperfect place. I was view I was breaking the rules for p r o - suspended from b r e a k i n g the tacit his c o n c r e t e annihilation o f bodily women's B y s t a n d i n g i n s i d e m y w r i t i n g as t h e s u b j e c t , b y s t a n d i n g i n s i d e m y a c t i v i t y as t h e a g e n t , b y a l l o w i n g o t h e r s t o see m e as I s a w m y s e l f , I r e p l a c e d t h e p r a c t i c e s o f s e l f - d e n i a l t h a t m a d e m e n o b o d y w i t h o n e s t h a t c o n s t r u c t e d m e as s o m e - b o d y . In m y account o f relations constructing w o m a n h o o d I m o v e d f r o m m y discovery m y s e l f as " j u s t a g i r l " t o m y p r a c t i c e s o f b o d i l y m a n a g e m e n t i n p u b e r t y . of I built m y under- standing o f this linkage o n m y u n c o v e r i n g o f m y m o t h e r ' s part i n c o n s t r u c t i n g the m e a n i n g o f w o m a n h o o d to me. absence i n m y writing. I am touched. H o w I came to focus o n her relation to me w a s b y n o t i c i n g its I read J u d y Collins' autobiography (1969) and c o m m e n t e d : I notice her d e v o t i o n to her father. I n o t i c e h o w she t a k e s h e r m o t h e r f o r g r a n t e d , a b a c k d r o p figure, t h o u g h she dedicates the b o o k t o h e r . my I think o f o w n w r i t i n g . W h e r e is t h e r e a n y l i v i n g p r e s e n c e o f m y mother? Again, I took practice and c o m p a r e d t h e m my observations o f another woman's o w n . A g a i n , I n o t i c e d o u r similarities. granted. father. my to I m a d e visible what I h a d previously t a k e n for I w a s t r e a t i n g m y r e l a t i o n w i t h m y m o t h e r as less i m p o r t a n t t h a n m i n e w i t h my Once I knew this I c o u l d ask h o w w o r k i n g u p C h a p t e r III. granted and wrote about I learned this practice a n d a c c o u n t In m y j o u r n a l I b r o k e the silence. her. f o r it i n I stopped taking m y m o t h e r for I wrote whatever images a n d m e m o r i e s emerged. t h i s passage s e v e r a l t i m e s u n t i l I c a m e t o see its o r g a n i s a t i o n . I wrote about m y I reread mother's appearance, her clothes, about m y visual a n d textured memories o f her. Y o u were m y strongest image o f b e a u t y , style a n d elegance. I r e c a l l e d t h e s p e c i a l w a y s she f e d m e a n d c a r e d f o r m e w h e n i l l . T h e t h e m e o f t h e e n t i r e t h r e e p a g e passage w a s h e r a s s o c i a t i o n w i t h a n d a t t e n t i o n t o t h e b o d i l y n e e d s o f o u r f a m i l y . You taught m e how to m a k e cookies a n d spaghetti a n d lasagna. Y o u typed Dad's 47 menus and m y orthodontist. shame from rassed me offended papers. You you. by Y o u kept all the a p p o i n t m e n t s never spoke to m e about straight a n d d r o v e m e to our woman bodies and I learned W h e n I caught y o u n a k e d y o u covered y o u r breasts. not shaving your y o u b y letting m y legs scrupulously enough o w n hair g r o w out all over. the and then You my embar- I shocked and Y o u m i n i s t e r a l l o u r lives t o o u r pee a n d shit a n d v o m i t a n d d i r t a n d b l o o d a n d disease a n d y e t y o u c o v e r u p a n d k e e p t h i s o u r o h t o o f l e s h l y l e v e l s u n k b e l o w t h e s u r f a c e as it s h o u l d b e . p r a c t i c a l details every d a y o f y o u r life. My analysis o f this w r i t i n g a l l o w e d m y awareness w o r k a n d o f her management I went o n to Y o u attend to Y o u are t h e t r u e d a u g h t e r o f a D u t c h f a r m w i f e . o f m y mother's practices o f e m b o d i m e n t w h i c h a c c o m p l i s h e d its i n v i s i b i l i t y . F r o m t h i s n e w uncover her impact on my own practices. awareness I d i d this i n the w r i t i n g o f the account. H o w m y m e t h o d o f w o r k a l l o w e d m e t o m a k e v i s i b l e m y f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s as p r a c t i c e s o f class r e l a t i o n s is d i f f i c u l t for me to explicate. A c o n c e r n f o r class r e l a t i o n s a n d r u l i n g class p r a c t i c e s d i d t h r e a d t h r o u g h m y w r i t i n g o f t h e s u m m e r . t h e s e passages w e r e merely juxtaposed to ones about my M o s t o f the time, family. however, T h a t I k n e w class a n d f a m i l y go t o g e t h e r i n this s o c i a l o r g a n i s a t i o n a n d that I c o u l d n o t articulate h o w was sciously equip a p r o b l e m for me. to see as a Smith's uncovering them. became The social I was organisation blocked location o f m y by that I had been trained in did not tic arrangements a n d the relations o f p u b l i c p r o d u c t i o n . I r e a d a n d reread D o r o t h y Perhaps a o f sociology domes- i n this regard. whole ruling mode between work me The con- creates trying to force a gulf connections rather f a m i l y p r a c t i c e s i n t h e class s t r u c t u r i n g o f o b v i o u s o n l y as I w r o t e t h e a c c o u n t o f f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s . as I f o c u s e d o n m y f a t h e r ' s p o s i t i o n as a m i l i t a r y o f f i c e r . than society T h i s c a m e t o g e t h e r as s o o n I t h e n u n d e r s t o o d his w o r k t o be i s s u i n g o r d e r s f o r o t h e r s t o c a r r y o u t , a n d c o u l d see t h e c o n t r a s t t o m y m o t h e r ' s w o r k embodiment u p o n w h i c h he d e p e n d e d . of C o m i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d class as r e l a t i o n s o f d o m i n a - t i o n b e t w e e n r e a l a c t i v e i n d i v i d u a l s r a t h e r t h a n as a set o f c a t e g o r i e s f o r l a b e l l i n g is w o r k contrary to standpoint the abstract-conceptual of women In writing f r o m mode. is a w o r k b a r e l y women's perspective, Perceiving begun. "we class T o reiterate relations the starting from the o p e n i n g o f this chapter: are c r e a t i n g a n e w a p p r o a c h t o the w o r l d . T h i s cannot be d o n e w i t h o u t d i f f i c u l t y . " ( J a c o b s o n 1977: understanding 11) • I have a i m e d i n this chapter to m a k e available m y m e t h o d o f w o r k i n p r o d u c i n g the account. I have been explicit about h o w I came to k n o w the practices o f family relations t h a t c o n s t r u c t e d m e as a w o m a n . practices provides I have also s h o w n h o w the w o r k o f a c c o u n t i n g f o r those for an u n d o i n g o f t h e m f o r a reconstruction. ( I have m a d e visible how - 48 the o r g a n i s a t i o n o f m y a c c o u n t r e f l e c t e d a n d t r a n s l a t e d the o r g a n i s a t i o n o f m y life at time o f writing it. To summarize: the account is s t r u c t u r e d r o u g h l y chronologically. d i s c o v e r e d a n d w o r k e d u p its i n s i g h t s i n a p p r o x i m a t e l y p a r a l l e l s e q u e n c e . rupture between lowed me family. to my make intellectual w o r k a n d m y problematic h o w d i v i d e d against T h e eruptions o f female b o d i l y existence I T h a t I made the encounters with anatomy I became the problematic al- myself growing up in my i n t o v i s i b i l i t y t h a t c r i p p l e d m e as a p r a c - t i t i o n e r i n t h e h e a d w o r l d set t h e stage f o r m y a c c o u n t o f t h o s e t h a t d i s c r e d i t e d m e as a neuter androgyne. o n m y relationship w i t h m y father c a m e f r o m the material c o n d i t i o n that the The focus it was a b o u t t o c u l m i n a t e i n his d e a t h . drama o f m y practice o f female subordination. public. He had the means to express It a l s o c a m e f r o m h i s c e n t r a l i t y i n H e h a d the visibility that I w a n t e d i n himself which I lacked. T h e externally imposed authoritative versions o f the w o r l d he presented were what I a t t e m p t e d a n d failed to fully e n t e r as a n e x c e p t i o n a l w o m a n p r a c t i c i n g t h e a b s t r a c t m o d e o f s o c i o l o g y w h i l e s u s p e n d i n g m y sex. T h e s t r u g g l e t o b e s e e n a n d h e a r d f r o m w h e r e I a m as a w o m a n is t h e p r o j e c t this thesis. T h e a p p e a r a n c e s i n m y p a s t o f m y i n v i s i b i l i t y a n d e n f o r c e d s i l e n c e are w h a t organised m y account a r o u n d . A c c o u n t i n g f o r m y past s u b o r d i n a t i o n a n d f o r m y of I method o f m a k i n g this a c c o u n t has r e q u i r e d a r e d e f i n i t i o n o f m e n t a l w o r k s u c h that I c a n r e c l a i m it w i t h o u t s e v e r i n g m y s e l f f r o m m y w o m a n h o o d . T h e insistent "thereness" test o f m y m e t h o d o f w o r k . outside m y female b o d y . my embodiment into o f m y w o m a n ' s b o d y in yet another pregnancy p r o v e d the W i t h it I r e l i n q u i s h e d m y a t t e m p t to think from I practiced instead t h i n k i n g through the b o d y . both knowledge and power. (Rich 1976: somewhere I strove to convert 290-1) Writing from w o m a n ' s p e r s p e c t i v e , f r o m m y o w n s t a n d p o i n t as a w o m a n a u t h o r i s e d a n d gave e x p r e s s i o n to m y o w n experience. W r i t i n g f r o m the a c t u a l setting o f m y e v e r y d a y life r e c o n n e c t e d m y physical g r o u n d i n g a n d articulate knowledge. W r i t i n g f r o m m y e m b o d i m e n t as a w o m a n r e o w n e d a n d m a d e visible m y w o m a n l y b o d y . E a c h o f these p r e s e n t e d m y private a n d d o - mestic trace experience as a s p e c t s o f s o c i a l r e l a t i o n s o f a u t h o r i t y a n d r u l i n g . over the b r o k e n g r o u n d o f p u b l i c a n d private domains, dominish m y w i t h i n t h e d o m e s t i c a n d m y s u b o r d i n a t i o n as a w o m a n . cated these practices o f w r i t i n g i n this chapter. I n so d o i n g they confinement I have b o t h e m p l o y e d a n d e x p l i - T h e m e t h o d that allows m e to a c c o u n t for m y p r e v i o u s c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d h a s n o w s e r v e d as t h e b a s i s o f a n a c c o u n t o f m y reconstruction. 49 CHAPTER III A N ACCOUNT OF HOW FAMILY CONSTRUCT A A specific c o n d i t i o n o f m y distance f r o m t h e m . I live a l o n e . RELATIONS WOMAN d i s c o v e r y o f m y p r a c t i c e s i n f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s is m y present I d o n o t live e v e r y d a y life i n a f a m i l y or i n a n y setting r e s e m b l i n g o n e . M y p a r e n t s , sisters a n d b r o t h e r l i v e 4 0 0 0 m i l e s a w a y a n d m a i n t a i n c l o s e r e l a - tions w i t h each other. I left m y p a r e n t s ' h o m e n i n e y e a r s a g o a n d h a v e v i s i t e d i r r e g u l a r l y — at m o s t a year them. once or twice A n d yet, I discover daily personal relations. Both met of my d u r i n g the for a w e e k or two. my practices M y life here a p p e a r s far r e m o v e d with them continue I left m y f a m i l y b u t t h e y have n o t left Second World War when w h i l e he was children. underlie m y practice my father was away. O n his r e t u r n , t h e y They i n officer training s c h o o l . Soon M y m o t h e r c o n t i n u e d to do office m o v e d near his relatives a n d b e g a n A f t e r a few years o f trouble f i n d i n g steady of me. parents grew u p o n small dairy farms d u r i n g the 1920's a n d 30's. after, t h e y m a r r i e d , a n d m y father was s h i p p e d overseas. work to from having w o r k , m y father r e t u r n e d to the A i r 50 Force. M y t w o o l d e r sisters a n d I w e r e b r o u g h t u p o n m i l i t a r y b a s e s i n v a r i o u s l o c a t i o n s . F o l l o w i n g t w e n t y years i n the s e r v i c e , m y f a t h e r w o r k e d as a l i f e i n s u r a n c e s a l e s m a n a n d c o u n t r y club manager. M y m o t h e r w o r k e d at h o m e a n d n o t f o r p a y a f t e r h e r first d a u g h t e r was of my born. The setting account is t h e t r a n s i e n t , m i l i t a r y , u p w a r d l y m o b i l e , w h i t e , Protestant, middle-class suburban A m e r i c a o f the 1950's a n d 60's. I first l e a r n e d h o w t o r e l a t e t o r u l i n g a u t h o r i t y i n r e l a t i o n t o m y f a t h e r . the first m a l e a u t h o r i t y w h o authorized version o f reality. real world. He he belonged. worked took the power to define me and m y M y father world. was H e held the H e represented to m e i n the f a m i l y the awesome p o w e r o f the there. He moved H e l i t e r a l l y w o r e its u n i f o r m . i n that world with comfort and e a s e , as H e k n e w h o w it w a s a n d h e t o l d m e . if I knew only through him. W i t h o u t h i m m y w o r l d was l i m i t e d . s c h o o l a n d the h o m e s o f others. the movies places W i t h m y m o t h e r I c o u l d gain entrance to c h u r c h , stores, a n d the library — but we not by right, we were A l o n e , I m o v e d i n space b o u n d e d b y m y h o u s e , e n t e r e d as p o l i t e u s e r s , c u s t o m e r s . We w e n t these a l l o w e d i n b y those w h o r a n t h e m . T h e year m y father was s t a t i o n e d a w a y f r o m us m y l i f e w a s c i r c u m s c r i b e d i n t h i s d o m e s t i c s p h e r e . O n l y i n m y father's presence d i d I m o v e t h r o u g h the i m p o r t a n t w o r l d where decisions were m a d e , m e n w o r k e d a n d things got d o n e . the mess h a l l , the h o u s i n g office. O n his a r m I c o u l d enter the officers' c l u b , B y f o l l o w i n g h i m I c o u l d see w h e r e f o o d w a s o r d e r e d a n d delivered, troops were fed, m e n were h o u s e d , papers were signed. treated h i m w i t h deference In this w o r l d other m e n — called h i m " s i r , " s m i l e d , saluted — a n d d i d what he t o l d t h e m t o d o . W h e n I w a s w i t h h i m t h i s a u r a o f a u t h o r i t y s p r e a d t o m e , I s t o o d i n its g l o w . These s a m e m e n s m i l e d at m e , w a n t e d t o p l e a s e m e a n d k e p t a r e s p e c t f u l d i s t a n c e — a l l b e c a u s e I was his daughter. T h e y acknowledged m y little girl, C i n d y . " m e because he presented m e to t h e m . H e spoke for m e . I was w h o he said I was. " B o b , t h i s is W h e n he i n t r o d u c e d m e as s m a r t , g o o d , l o v e d , t h e b a b y , I w a s r e c o g n i z e d as s u c h b y t h e w o r l d t h a t m a t t e r e d . c o u l d n o t a p p r o p r i a t e his a u t h o r i t y to myself, i f I said, " H e l l o sergeant, I ' m C i n d y , " I was ignored or t o l d n o t to interrupt. I c o u l d . n o t speak for or present My myself. father carried this legitimate p o w e r w i t h h i m i n t o the f a m i l y . guaranteed right to express himself. But I A t h o m e he h a d a H e t o o k all the f a m i l y p h o t o g r a p h s . m y c h i l d h o o d were m a d e b y h i m . T h e y s h o w m y past t h r o u g n his eyes. T h e s e images o f I learned to be the 51 object he saw, t o s t a n d still a n d say " c h e e s e . " M y father also p r o d u c e d f a m i l y e n t e r t a i n - m e n t : slide s h o w s w i t h c o m m e n t a r i e s , a n d stories o f his travels a n d his b u d d i e s . M y m o t h e r , sisters a n d I l o o k e d a n d l i s t e n e d . W e b e c a m e h i s a u d i e n c e . as a f o r m o f s e l f - e x p r e s s i o n . please o r satisfy us. M y father also p r a c t i c e d c o o k i n g U n l i k e m y m o t h e r , h e d i d n o t p r e p a r e f o o d as a n o f f e r i n g t o H e c o o k e d what he l i k e d . H e was a g o u r m e t . A l t h o u g h he d i d not n e e d m y a p p r o v a l o f his dishes, he d i d e x p e c t m y a d m i r a t i o n . H e r e a g a i n I c a m e t o a c t as his audience. A n d w h e n o f his a f f e c t i o n . he t o u c h e d m e I became the object W h e n he w i s h e d t o e x p r e s s h i s n e e d s b y c u d d l i n g m e I d a r e d n o t r e f u s e , e v e n w h e n I felt b e l i t t l e d b y his b a b y i n g m e . n o t cross h i m . H e c o u l d say a n d d o w h a t he w i s h e d . I c o u l d o n l y say or d o w h a t w o u l d I f I asserted m y s e l f against h i m t o o f o r c e f u l l y I was s p a n k e d . m o s t p a r t I gave w a y e a s i l y . t h e rest o f us f o r g r a n t e d . B u t for the M y father was secure i n his a u t h o r i t y a n d t o o k his place over H e w a s f r i e n d l y a n d j o c u l a r w i t h us j u s t as h e w a s t o t h e men u n d e r his c o m m a n d . I c a m e t o see m y f a t h e r as t h e s u n , p o s s e s s e d o f i n n e r l i g h t a n d h e a t w h i c h h e s h i n e d o n t h e rest o f u s . reflected light. M y sisters a n d I, l i k e p l a n e t s , r e v o l v e d r o u n d h i m a n d g l o w e d o n l y w i t h M y m o t h e r c o m p l e m e n t e d h i m b y b e i n g t h e m o o n , r e v o l v i n g a r o u n d us a n d reflecting his light onto u s at a n o t h e r a n g l e . H i s m o n e y was the s o u r c e o f life to us; he a p p e a r e d as t h e s o u r c e o f p o w e r u p o n w h i c h w e a l l d e p e n d e d . H e said he l o v e d all " h i s g i r l s , " a n d I k n e w I h a d a special place i n his universe. his d a r l i n g , his b a b y , his littlest girl. ring, silk pajamas, i v o r y c h o p s t i c k s . firmly in my I r e m e m b e r the treasures h e sent f r o m J a p a n — a p e a r l H e gave o f f w h a t I n e e d e d a n d m o r e . f a t h e r ' s l i g h t , I f l o u r i s h e d , I g r e w u p as a f a v o u r e d c h i l d . Because I stood I got straight A ' s . I was the best s w i m m e r . . M y classmates e l e c t e d m e t o the part o f S n o w W h i t e . T h e picked me to be the I was captain o f the boy-and-girl soccer team. p u f f e d u p a b o u t r e c e i v i n g these h o n o u r s . teacher I was neither surprised n o r I t o o k t h e m as m y d u e . M y d a d d y l o v e d m e a n d all g o o d things came to m e . I l e a r n e d i n these w a y s to h o n o u r r u l i n g m a l e a u t h o r i t y a n d to d e n y m y o w n . to be g o o d for D a d d y , t o please h i m , to be the apple o f his eye. terms, not o n m y o w n . I b e c a m e the object to his subject. sented to m y own silence. I l e a r n e d to exist o n his I came to be seen rather t h a n to see, t o l i s t e n r a t h e r t h a n t o s p e a k , t o b e l o v e d r a t h e r t h a n t o l o v e . w o r l d to be dependent o n m y father. I wanted I k n e w m y stature i n the I situated m y s e l f always in relation to h i m . I participated in m y own I con- o p p r e s s i o n , a n d I d i d so w i l l i n g l y . 52 While securely under the patronage w i t h the benefits I drew from of my father, I d i d well i n the w o r l d . being Daddy's girl. I was content I d i d n o t challenge these relations o f domination. B u t a l t h o u g h I k n e w h o w t o a c t as a w o m a n i n r e l a t i o n t o a u t h o r i t y , I d i d n o t y e t a w o m a n in being half m y h u m a n potential. limitations. I d i d not k n o w m y s e l f to have gender specific I was n o t yet m e r e l y the c o m p l e m e n t o f a m a l e . A t f o u r I h a d a fist f i g h t the n e i g h b o u r b o y a n d also p l a y e d dress u p i n m y m o t h e r ' s clothes. b o t h guns a n d dolls. A t seven I b e c a m e me b y boys' names sometimes. anything. act A t five I p l a y e d w i t h S n o w White a n d soccer captain. I was still a n a n d r o g y n e to m y s e l f . with M y father called I felt I c o u l d d o a l m o s t I i n t e n d e d t o g o t o P r i n c e t o n U n i v e r s i t y a n d b e c o m e a great a s t r o n o m e r . I did n o t p e r c e i v e m y fate i n f e m a l e t e r m s . W h e n I was lumpy ten years o l d all this changed. and b u m p y , and m y b r o t h e r was born. We m o v e d to a n e w base, m y b o d y A l l o f a s u d d e n I was n o longer b a b y , his d a r l i n g , the f a v o u r e d o n e , the a n d r o g y n e . was the one w i t h the special place. he was called "the boy". grew Daddy's I was just a girl. D a v i d , the n e w baby, T h i s n e w c h i l d w a s n o t c a l l e d " o u r b a b y " as I h a d b e e n ; O n l y w i t h h i s a r r i v a l d i d I f u l l y e x p e r i e n c e m y s e l f as n o t - m a l e . O n l y b y c o m p a r i s o n d i d I realize I c o u l d never be fully i n the male glory. I e x p e r i e n c e d m y s e l f as a b a n d o n e d . in darkness. M y father's light n o longer s h i n e d o n m e . B e l i e v i n g I h a d n o light o f m y o w n , I b e c a m e i n v i s i b l e . F o r five years a l m o s t all o f the pictures m y father t o o k were o f " t h e b o y " . I c o u l d n o longer tolerate the slide s h o w s w h i c h p o s e d as e n t e r t a i n m e n t t h e d a i l y c h o r u s o f " l o o k at y o u r b r o t h e r . " to be the object m y father viewed b u t I h a d b e e n displaced. not enter m y secretary.) I stood father's world of work O n l y as t h e (I r e - e n t e r e d w h e n I wanted F o r t h o s e y e a r s as w e l l , I d i d I became o l d e n o u g h to be his f a v o u r e d object o f a m a n c o u l d I appear for the offices o f ruling. M y father n o l o n g e r p r e s e n t e d m e t o those strange m e n f o r r e c o g n i t i o n . H i s a t t e n t i o n f o c u s e d o n his s o n . ' I believed I was b e i n g c r u e l l y b e t r a y e d . a n d never k n o w n it. better. My was I had thought N o t o n l y was I just a girl, I h a d always b e e n m y s e l f an androgyne but the others h a d always k n o w n parents h a d been waiting for temporary a n d inadequate substitute. "the boy" for a long time. I had only been a I discovered that w h e n m y m o t h e r w e n t to the hos- p i t a l t o g i v e b i r t h t o m e m y sisters h a d b e e n t o l d " W e ' r e g o i n g t o t h e h o s p i t a l t o b r i n g h o m e David." W h e n t h e y c a m e b a c k w i t h m e i n s t e a d , m y sisters h a d t o b e s t o p p e d f r o m c a l l i n g 53 m e his n a m e . T h e y always knew I had been an accident. I also l e a r n e d the r e a s o n I h a d n o m i d d l e n a m e was that m y parents " h a d n ' t h a d t i m e t o t h i n k o n e u p . " A s further evidence that I was the w r o n g b a b y I f i g u r e d o u t that I was the o n l y c h i l d n o t n a m e d f o r friends o r relatives. N o w w h e n m y f a t h e r c a l l e d m e S a m o r F r e d o r P e t e I k n e w it t o b e b e c a u s e d i d n o t want m e to be w h o I was. he I h a d b e e n f o o l e d for t e n years a n d n o w the jig was u p . I n o w t h o u g h t "I was never g o o d e n o u g h . " Since I n o longer stood i n m y I was My no longer the favoured one. father's aura, I lacked confidence and became I still got straight A ' s b u t this b r o u g h t m e n o h o n o u r . classmates called m e " s t u c k - u p " a n d "the b r a i n " . a b i l i t y at s p o r t s . timid. I was elected to n o t h i n g . I sat a n d w a t c h e d t h e o t h e r s p r a c t i c e c h e e r l e a d i n g . I lost m y A f r i e n d let m e k n o w that I c o u l d never go t o P r i n c e t o n U n i v e r s i t y , that t h e y d i d n o t let i n girls. K n o w i n g m y s e l f as f e m a l e n a r r o w e d m y w o r l d . I believed I was being p u n i s h e d for g r o w i n g up into a w o m a n . F r o m age t e n o n I c o u l d n o l o n g e r even p r e t e n d t o be the b a b y , the a n d r o g y n e — m y b o d y was b e c o m i n g r e c o g n i z a b l y feminine. height I h a d m y first p e r i o d at e l e v e n a n d w a s f u l l y d e v e l o p e d t o m y p r e s e n t w e i g h t a n d before I was thirteen. M y f a t h e r ' s r e f u s a l t o see m e c a m e n o t m e r e l y b e c a u s e b r o t h e r was better b u t because I was wo r s e . my I was n o longer the b a b y he h a d l o v e d , I was a g r o w n u p w o m a n w h o m he w o u l d n o t love. My my relation to m y b r o t h e r was complicated. d o w n f a l l , I h e l d m y s e l f r e s p o n s i b l e as w e l l . hate him openly. A l t h o u g h h e a p p e a r e d as t h e a g e n t o f F o r this r e a s o n I d i d n o t a l l o w m y s e l f A l t h o u g h I resented the existence o f the male glory I d i d not want a d m i t I h a d n o t k n o w n I h a d l a c k e d it u n t i l m y b o d y b e t r a y e d m e . foolish or vulnerable. I was I withdrew into m y hurt. I d i d not want to l o o k Sometimes I slyly a n d p u n i s h e d h i m , sometimes I tried to t h r o w m y s e l f into the acceptable "the g o o d little m o t h e r " . female behavior I w o u l d s t a n d n e a r m y b r o t h e r i n o r d e r t o get i n t h e p i c t u r e m y f a t h e r w a s t a k i n g o f h i m . I w a s t h r i l l e d w h e n t h e first w o r d t h e b o y I learned that the w a y to compensate spoke for m y lack o f inner value was t o relate m y s e l f to a m a l e a n d d r a w visibility t h r o u g h this association. exist for m e n . teased W h e n o t h e r s w e r e a r o u n d I t r i e d t o b e n e a r D a v i d so t h a t t h e l i g h t cast h i s d i r e c t i o n w o u l d f a l l o n m e . was a c o r r u p t i o n o f m y n a m e . to I was e x p e c t e d to babysit h i m frequently. d i v i d e d i n m y feeling w h i l e t a k i n g care o f this b o y b a b y . a n d act to I learned to 54 ILLUSTRATIONS I u s e d s n a p s h o t s s u c h as t h e s e as e v i d e n c e i n m y r e c o n s t r u c t i o n . I r e - c o l l e c t e d t h a t father t o o k these p h o t o g r a p h s . T h e y p r e s e n t m e as I w a s f o r h i m at m o m e n t s my throughout the time p e r i o d o f the a c c o u n t . 1. Age 7, I a m o n t h e l e f t n e x t t o m y sister w h o l o o k s a w a y . at B r o w n i e c a m p as " t h e f a v o u r e d o n e . " I have just w o n a n h o n o u r I p o s e h e r e as " D a d d y ' s g o o d g i r l . " 2. O n m y tenth b i r t h d a y I a m the athletic androgyne. 3. Seventeen m o n t h s later I a m "just a g i r l " i n the b a c k g r o u n d t o m y b a b y b r o t h e r w h o is t h e f o c u s f o r m y m o t h e r ' s a n d f a t h e r ' s a t t e n t i o n . 4. I get i n t o t h e p i c t u r e b y p l a y i n g " t h e g o o d l i t t l e m o t h e r " a n d a s s o c i a t i n g m y s e l f w i t h "the boy." 56 In a d d i t i o n , getting rid of my abandonment. Nothing would completely loved because never be would brother did not undo the the o n e w i t h all the p o w e r i n this process. seem a solution to m y terrible knowledge that betrayal and I h a d never been I was flawed, I was female. and I s a w m y f a t h e r as H e was the o n e t o w h o m I was n o t g o o d e n o u g h . H e w a s t h e o n e w h o w a n t e d a s o n . H i s a u t h o r i t y a p p e a r e d t o m e i n a n e w l i g h t — it w a s n o longer benevolent for h i m . and I began to resent it. the family I n o t i c e d h e o r d e r e d us a b o u t o u r c h o r e s w i t h o u t d o i n g a n y h i m s e l f . his c o m m a n d s . be l o v e d . W h e n he expressed a f f e c t i o n for m e I was frigid. I d i d n o t w i s h to be his object. safe i n e x p r e s s i n g a n g e r at h i m . door. I grew critical o f the w a y I b r i s t l e d at I d i d n o t want to need to W e started h a v i n g explosive fights b u t I was n o t I flared up a n d then retreated to m y r o o m b e h i n d a closed In t r y i n g n o t t o risk o r lose I l o c k e d m y s e l f i n , b o t h p h y s i c a l l y a n d e m o t i o n a l l y . resistance t o his male a u t h o r i t y was p u r e l y defensive. hending of our skirmishes. legitimate power. He M y father was u n c o m p r e - c l e a r l y s a w h i m s e l f o n l y as t h e benevolent executor of H e k n e w n o t what I h a d t o d e f e n d m y s e l f against. A s m y b r o t h e r g r e w p a s t i n f a n c y I b e g a n t o p e r c e i v e h i m as a l s o s u b j e c t t o m y authority. My I c o u l d n e v e r h o p e t o c h a l l e n g e it a n d w i n . I c o u l d imagine no authority o f m y o w n to counterpose. I s a w h i s p o s i t i o n as t h e f a v o u r e d o n e t o h a v e c e r t a i n w e a k n e s s e s . c h i l d quite susceptible to colds, hay fever b e i n g the h e - m a n m y father w a n t e d . a n d ear a c h e s . H e was father's H e was a t h i n g o i n g t o have trouble I b e g a n t o see t h a t t h e r e a l D a v i d w a s n ' t t h e m a g i c a l D a v i d m y f a t h e r h a d so l o n g a w a i t e d . own. existed I secretly p r e d i c t e d a fall f r o m grace similar to my O f c o u r s e , this gave m e c o n s o l a t i o n that I was n o t u n i q u e l y f l a w e d , a n d a l l o w e d m e to be sympathetic didn't dissolve, to m y brother's suffering. I b u r i e d it b e n e a t h S o w h i l e m y r e s e n t m e n t o f his m a l e privilege layers o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g f o r his c o m m o n o p p r e s s i o n . W h e n he grew older a n d t o r m e n t e d m e a b o u t n o t being feminine b y saying I h a d a mustache and calling m e "Braces," I responded with embarrassment and irritation. I didn't feel legitimate i n a t t a c k i n g h i m o p e n l y for his p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n the m a l e o r d e r . I p r e s e n t m y m o t h e r ' s p a r t so f a r as a b a c k d r o p . o f a u t h o r i t y m y father's d i d . I n m y w o r l d she d i d n o t have the light t o shine o n m e . c a r i n g f o r m e w a s m o r e c o n s t a n t a n d less n o t i c e a b l e . n o t f e a r its l o s s . H e r love d i d not carry the weight I c a m e t o t a k e it f o r g r a n t e d a n d d i d S i n c e she d i d n o t h a v e t h e s a m e r i g h t t o s e l f - e x p r e s s i o n t h a t m y f a t h e r h a d , she s p o k e h e r p r i d e , a f f e c t i o n o r d i s p l e a s u r e w i t h m e less f u l l y . b e h a v i o r b u t she d i d n o t p r e s e n t m e t o o t h e r s . Nevertheless Her She talked to m e about my I l e a r n e d t o t r e a t h e r w o r d s as less i m p o r t a n t . i n r e l a t i o n to m y m o t h e r I l e a r n e d practices essential to m y b e c o m i n g a 57 woman. knew She p r a c t i c e d the l a c k o f a u t h o r i t y i n r e l a t i o n to m y father I was learning. A n d I from her m a n n e r that women as w e l l as girls m u s t respect m e n ' s right to express themselves. manage b o d i l y existence in such a way h o l d themselves in in order to M o s t importantly, m y mother showed me h o w to t h a t it c o u l d b e d i s a t t e n d e d . She d i d this daily for m y f a t h e r so h e w a s a b l e t o e n t e r t h e h e a d w o r l d a n d b e c o m e a b s o r b e d i n t h e mode as a m a n a g e r o f words. She taught me how to conceptual a c c o m p l i s h this split b e t w e e n the h e a d a n d b o d y i n r e l a t i o n t o m y s e l f as w e l l . S o o n a f t e r I d i s c o v e r e d I w a s j u s t a g i r l , m y m o t h e r p u t a b o o k l e t b y K o t e x C o . at t h e b o t t o m o f m y underwear i n the drawer, carefully h i d d e n where I w o u l d find it. as I r e a d e v e r y t h i n g . washed the spot I read it, T h e n one m o r n i n g I s h o w e d her m y b l o o d y pajama b o t t o m s . She o n the sheet a n d s h o w e d m e w h e r e the sanitary n a p k i n s were k e p t . She said virtually n o t h i n g a n d I t o o k this t o m e a n that s o m e t h i n g unspeakable was h a p p e n i n g t o me. The napkin boxes reappeared without s t r o n g l y I c o u l d n o t ask a b o u t a n y o f this. an agent just they were not spoken. learned from I sensed I r e a d the w o r d m e n s t r u a t i o n i n the b o o k l e t never h e a r d it p r o n o u n c e d . T h i n g s e x i s t e d i n m a t e r i a l f o r m but as t h e b l e e d i n g d i d . but — paper, print, pads, b l o o d — I learned about tampons f r o m appealing advertisements, but I m y m o t h e r ' s silence n o t to ask her to b u y s o m e . I o n l y i n f e r r e d years later t h a t t h e r e a s o n t h e y w e r e f o r b i d d e n w a s t h a t t h e i r use r e q u i r e d a c o n s c i o u s f a m i l i a r i t y w i t h the vagina. My training ashamed. breasts bras developed and my s o o n after I was t e n . breasts were Several girls i n s i x t h grade were larger t h a n theirs b u t m i n e jiggled I k e p t t r y i n g t o d r e s s so m y b r e a s t s w o u l d n o t b e v i s i b l e . courage to ask m y m o t h e r to dress m e properly. unbound. was I c o u l d n o t raise T h e n one day while shopping, m y m o t h e r h a n d e d m e a p a c k a g e d b r a a n d t o l d m e to go i n the c h a n g i n g r o o m . a n d t o l d h e r i t fit a n d she b o u g h t s e v e r a l . I I looked forward with d r e a d t o s e v e n t h g r a d e g y m class a n d d a i l y e x p o s u r e i n t h e l o c k e r r o o m . the wearing I came back S h e p u t m e o u t o f m y m i s e r y as w o r d l e s s l y as I h a d suffered it. I began ugly. to w o r r y a b o u t m y spreading stiff b l a c k b o d y hair. S u m m e r came and I wanted to wear a sleeveless b l o u s e t o I f o u n d it s h o c k i n g a n d the s i x t h grade p i c n i c . I c u t t h e h a i r u n d e r m y a r m s as c l o s e l y as I c o u l d w i t h c u t i c l e s c i s s o r s . It w a s s t i l l t h i c k 58 a n d dark a n d visible. The next day I tried to keep m y arms pressed to m y b o d y all d u r i n g the p i c n i c . I l o c k e d m y s e l f i n the b a t h r o o m a n d e x p e r i m e n t e d w i t h m y father's r a z o r . I didn't draw very m u c h b l o o d . anything or seemed to notice. T h e f o l l o w i n g d a y I s c r a p e d o f f m y legs, t o o . N o one said M a y b e I was g o i n g to be a l l o w e d to r e m o v e m y shame w i t h - out p u t t i n g w o r d s to it. A b o u t a w e e k later m y m o t h e r h a n d e d m e a razor she'd b o u g h t a n d s a i d I c o u l d use i t . My m o t h e r c o n t r o l l e d m y access to c o n s u m p t i o n a l m o s t t o t a l l y . I had not money o f m y o w n a n d n o a b i l i t y t o get t o s t o r e s w i t h o u t h e r . E v e n i f I h a d , I c o u l d n o m o r e a s k f o r the unspeakable to clerks t h a n to her. B y this means m y m o t h e r re-enforced her practices towards women's bodies onto me. My encounters with m a n h o o d physically. messages were my anatomy I learned h o w not there b y during puberty to carefully a c t as i f t h e hiding m y taught m e h o w parts o f m e female that functions. to construct gave o u t wo- insistent I a v o i d e d tight skirts that m i g h t reveal the o u t l i n e o f a m e n s t r u a l p a d , c h a n g e d pads f r e q u e n t l y to p r e v e n t stains a n d " t e l l t a l e " o d o u r , w o r e a b r a a n d girdle t o restrain m y b o u n c i n g flesh a n d s h a v e d every d a y so m y legs m i g h t a p p e a r t o g r o w h a i r l e s s . silence. My vagina, m e n s t r u a l b l o o d , breasts T h e i r existence A n d I learned t o a c c o m p l i s h these things i n and body hair were not named or spoken. b e l o w the level o f language m e a n t that I e x p e r i e n c e d t h e m while l a c k i n g the m e a n s t o give t h e m s o c i a l e x p r e s s i o n . I s e n s e d w h a t c o u l d n o t b e s a i d . M y r i t e s o f passage t h r o u g h p u b e r t y were silence a n d isolation. My sisters womanhood. seem curiously absent from these processes of my learning h o w to do S i n c e t h e y w e r e o l d e r , y o u m i g h t s u s p e c t t h e y w o u l d a c t as m o d e l s f o r my g r o w i n g b u t t h e y d o n o t c o m e t o m i n d as s u c h . T h e i r p r e s e n c e d i d n o t ease t h e p u n i s h m e n t o f puberty for me. T h e d r a m a i n w h i c h I l e a r n e d h o w t o manage m y b o d i l y f u n c t i o n s was played out between me and m y mother. about I d o rtot r e c o l l e c t e v e r t a l k i n g w i t h e i t h e r o f t h e m periods o f bras o r b o d y hair. We respected the boundaries b e t w e e n the s p o k e n a n d the u n s p o k e n we h a d each learned separately f r o m m y m o t h e r . o t h e r j u s t as w e h i d t h e m f r o m t h e w o r l d . from others We learned to silent eye with common fates that We h i d ourselves f r o m each I practiced in relation to t h e m the is so characteristic of women e n d u r e similar o p p r e s s i o n s q u i t e alone w h i l e side b y side. contact authority, but we that implied understanding never o p e n l y expressed of resentment this to each o t h e r . in separateness our society. T h e r e was a n d resistance to some father's W e h a d n o language with 59 w h i c h to articulate our b o n d s . My practice class a n d s e x . of growing up situated me firmly in the bifurcated world divided Its s p l i t w a s m i r r o r e d i n m y f a m i l y b e t w e e n m y f a t h e r a n d m y m o t h e r . by My f a t h e r a p p e a r e d as t h e a g e n t r e p r e s e n t i n g t h e r u l i n g a p p a r a t u s t h a t g o v e r n s t h r o u g h t h e a b stract-conceptual relation. She authority of my mode. acted M y m o t h e r ' s a t t e n t i o n to his b o d i l y needs m a i n t a i n e d h i m i n this as h i s s u b o r d i n a t e . I learned i n r e l a t i o n to t h e m how to deny the o w n e x p e r i e n c e , h o w t o k n o w m y s e l f as i n f e r i o r b e c a u s e f e m a l e , h o w to h i d e a n d despise m y w o m a n l y b o d y a n d h o w to cut o f f m y p h y s i c a l g r o u n d i n g f r o m social expression. T h e s e p r a c t i c e s d i v i d e d m e f r o m m y sisters a n d b r o t h e r . against m y s e l f . I c o u l d t h i n k like a m a n , p u r s u i n g m a t h a n d science a n d h i g h grades, while I neutralized m y woman's b o d y with careful management. I i n t e r n a l i z e d the split b e t w e e n m e n t a l a n d e m b o d i e d p r o d u c t i o n i n c o r p o r a t e capitalist society with my " m a l e " head. denying m y o w n voice. [one] T h e y also d i v i d e d m e I actively e n f o r c e d m y o w n passivity. by ruling m y female I asserted m y o w n agency i n I lived out the c o n t r a d i c t i o n o f our society i n w h i c h "the harder. . . w o r k s t h e m o r e she s t r e n g t h e n s the order w h i c h oppresses h e r . " ( S m i t h 1 9 7 4 a : I w a n t t o u n d o this m e t h o d o f o p p o s i n g myself. orities r u l i n g over a n d against m y s e l f . 10) I want to stop co-operating w i t h the a u t h - I require a social transformation to a c c o m p l i s h this, a n d b r e a k i n g t h r o u g h the silence i m p o s e d o n m e b y giving social e x p r e s s i o n to m y is o n e s t e p . body experience Wallflower H e r e I sit, waiting to be asked, so a c c u s t o m e d t o pretending I'm not waiting I'm astonished to discover I ' m d o i n g it again. I mean, I thought I'd a b a n d o n e d that paralysing f e m i n i n e passivity w h e n I started pursuing first m e n , t h e n w o m e n , b u t here I a m , after a l l , still the same girl w h o sat o n t h e b l e a c h e r s at t h e s o c k h o p trying to l o o k c o o l while repressing m y b u r n i n g passion to dance wildly, o n l y this t i m e , I'm not waiting for that socially required b u t faceless m a l e p a r t n e r , this t i m e , I ' m w a i t i n g f o r y o u , m y sisters. I w a n t y o u t o h e a r m e a n d see m e . I l o n g to cry out to y o u with m y pain and m y strength. A n d no matter h o w hard I try, I can n o longer keep myself f r o m k n o w i n g I want to touch y o u with my voice and I don't want t o sit h e r e waiting to be asked. 61 CONCLUSION A c c o u n t s are s o c i a l l y c o n s t r u c t e d a n d t h e y are o r g a n i s e d b y t h e c o n d i t i o n s o f p r o d u c ing them. at t h e my T h e organisation o f this a c c o u n t reflects a n d translates the organisation o f m y life t i m e o f p r o d u c i n g it. T h e m e t h o d I have used to p r o d u c e a descriptive a c c o u n t c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d also e x e m p l i f i e s a n alternative c o n s t r u c t i o n . of In accounting for m y ruling c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d I a c c o m p l i s h a n u n d o i n g that reconstructs myself. T h i s is a c h a n g e i n p r a c t i c e , a s h i f t i n m y m e t h o d o f w o r k , a n a l t e r e d f o r m o f m e n t a l p r o duction. A t its c e n t r e is a r e l o c a t i o n f r o m p r a c t i c i n g m y s e l f as a n o b j e c t t o s t a n d i n g i n s i d e m y s e l f as a s u b j e c t . I started this i n q u i r y w i t h w h a t was p r o b l e m a t i c i n m y life. between m y nancy. intellectual w o r k T h i s called into as a s o c i o l o g i s t question how articulated b y social forms o f thought bodily and m y I began w i t h the r u p t u r e encounters experience w i t h a n a t o m y i n preg- o f femaleness is t r a n s l a t e d a n d expression and allowed me to make and problematic earlier social relations i n w h i c h I l e a r n e d a d i v i s i o n b e t w e e n silent w o m a n h o o d a n d articulated learning. T h e r u p t u r e gave d e f i n i t i o n t o t h e s p l i t b e t w e e n e x p e r i e n c e grounded in m y p h y s i c a l female being n o t yet m e d i a t e d b y w o r d s a n d social forms o f w o r d s a n d images p r o v i d e d f o r m e b y o t h e r s w h o are ( r u l i n g class) m e n : A social order based o n women's oppression annihilates our subjectivity, f r o m the a u t h o r i t y to generate statements a n d enforces o u r silence. d i s e n t i t l e s us In this o r d e r o f things w e are t r e a t e d as o b j e c t s a n d e x c l u d e d as s u b j e c t s b y v i r t u e o f o u r w o m a n h o o d . o f e x p r e s s i o n see us f r o m t h e o u t s i d e . consciousness. The women is t h e source t h a t is b u i l t i n t o t h e consciousness nizable to others. light. me father, the to military officer, us as was a M y f a t h e r s p o k e f o r m e i n p r e s e n t i n g m e as a g i r l r e c o g - as I s t o o d f o r h i m i n f r o n t o f h i s p h o t o g r a p h i c l e n s . and membership I became My socially available I g a i n e d v i s i b i l i t y o n h i s t e r m s , as a n o b j e c t f o r h i m . T h e r e c o r d e d i m a g e s past c a p t u r e from forms o f expression o f r u l i n g class m e n . source o f this consciousness for m e . income A s w o m e n we practice a nihilistic relation to our o w n W e see o u r s e l v e s t h r o u g h m e n ' s e y e s a n d s p e a k o u r s e l v e s i n t h e i r w o r d s a n d voices. of my Its f o r m s an object i n the ruling apparatus a p p e a r e d as m y My father's s o u r c e o f life a n d for h i m b y b e i n g seen rather t h a n seeing, listening rather t h a n speaking, being loved rather than loving. 62 I willingly subordinated m y s e l f w h e n I saw m y choices c o n f i n e d to existing for m e n or becoming totally darkness. invisible. I longed to appear through men's eyes rather than to stand i n I learned w i t h m y father a n d brother that the w a y to compensate for m y lack o f inner value was to relate m y s e l f to a male a n d d r a w visibility t h r o u g h this association — to bask i n reflected glow. my O n c e I l o s t m y p o s i t i o n as t h e f a v o u r e d o b j e c t o f a m a n I r e s e n t e d need to be loved b y a father o r a m a l e lover. I began to challenge these relations o f d o m i n a t i o n o n l y as I w o r k e d o u t t h e a l t e r n a t i v e p o s s i b i l i t y o f a c t i n g f o r m y s e l f . b e i n g a g o o d girl, f o r m e n I d e c i d e d t o b e m y s e l f . Instead o f B y p r a c t i c i n g s e l f v a l i d a t i o n I c o u l d a c t as a subject f o r m y s e l f a n d cease b e i n g the object o f m e n ' s desires. My mother's work o f embodiment u p o n w h i c h m y father d e p e n d e d contrasts t o his w o r k issuing orders for others to carry out. Writing o f m y mother's association with a n d attention to the b o d i l y needs o f o u r f a m i l y l e d to m e an analysis o f her e m b o d i m e n t w o r k and practices mother which exemplified accomplished to me c o u l d be disattended. the its i n v i s i b i l i t y a n d practices taken for granted character. o f m a n a g i n g b o d i l y existence so that this My work S h e a c c o m p l i s h e d this e m b o d i m e n t w o r k a n d its silence d a i l y f o r m y father so that he c o u l d enter the h e a d w o r l d a n d b e c o m e a b s o r b e d i n the abstract-conceptual m o d e as a m a n a g e r o f w o r d s . I learned t h r o u g h m y m o t h e r a n d m y father h o w to a c c o m - p l i s h t h i s s p l i t b e t w e e n b o d y a n d h e a d i n r e l a t i o n t o m y s e l f as w e l l . Ruling practices require that invisible because o u r w o m e n ' s I manage my female functions s o as t o r e n d e r them b o d i e s discredit a n d d i s q u a l i f y us f o r p o s i t i o n s i n the head world o f ruling. S u s p e n d i n g m y sex m e a n t d e n y i n g m y b o d y a n d e n t e r i n g the r u l i n g m o d e o n male terms. T h e alternative o f beginning f r o m the experience o f w o m e n means strug- gling t h r o u g h o u r c o n t e m p t for w o m e n ' s w o r k . o w n w o r k was It r e q u i r e d m e t o u n d o m y b e l i e f t h a t m y n o t w o r t h seeing a n d n o t real w o r k . women's w o r k i n the h o m e labours. M y everyday integrated physically Writing a t h o m e i n the midst o f my and temporally m y mental and manual women's w o r k o f e m b o d i m e n t entered the realm o f mental p r o d u c - t i o n b y m y a r t i c u l a t i o n o f it i n m y j o u r n a l . T h e alternative i n the ruling m o d e . previous distance also e x p o s e s a n d reverses the c o n t e m p t f o r w o m e n ' s b o d i e s I l e a r n e d B y writing f r o m the standpoint o f insider to m y b o d y I account for m y and d e n i a l a n d t r a n s f o r m this r e l a t i o n to m y physical being. I cease 63 t r e a t i n g m y b o d y as a n o b j e c t w h e n I f u l l y e n t e r m y b o d i l y a c t i v i t y as t h e d o e r . Allowing m y i m m e d i a t e experience i n the b o d y translation i n t o w o r d s a c c o m p l i s h e d m y experiencing pregnancy as generation o f words, for m y practice is r e f l e c t e d sentences. subject, be creative ability and my knowing authorship. in practical my body as the p h y s i c a l g r o u n d i n g M o v i n g a n d seeing f r o m consciousness by for inside m y s e l f i n daily c o n s t r u c t i n g m y s e l f as t h e subject of B y s t a n d i n g i n s i d e m y a c t i v i t y as t h e a g e n t , b y s t a n d i n g i n s i d e m y w r i t i n g as t h e by allowing others to know me as I know, myself, I reclaim m y power to some-body. The abstract-conceptual mode accomplishes disembodied ruling through words. The ways o f k n o w i n g m y s e l f I learned i n family relations and c o n t i n u e d i n university were practices o f this i d e o l o g i c a l m o d e . subjectivities, T h e y w o r k r u l i n g o v e r a n d against m y s e l f . B y rising above cutting o f f the l o c a l a n d particular, a n d suspending e m b o d i m e n t , the abstract m o d e severs t h e p r o v i s i o n o f its o w n c o n d i t i o n s o f e x i s t e n c e . knower a n d h e r l o c a t i o n , are c a n c e l l e d i n r e l a t i o n t o mode's procedures of objectivity the construct an overtly t a k e s f o r g r a n t e d m y d i s a p p e a r a n c e as a s u b j e c t . T h e l i n k is b r o k e n w h e n t h e object o f her knowledge. This n e u t r a l universality w h i c h i n fact It a s s u m e s m e n a n d e x c l u d e s w o m e n . By u s i n g p r o c e d u r e s o f d e t a c h m e n t we d o n o t s t u d y w o m a n h o o d f r o m u n l o c a t e d a n d sexless places. such W e m e r e l y r e n d e r invisible o u r r e a l l o c a t i o n s b y sex a n d class. attempts women's to erase m y s e l f as t h e perspective I begin f r o m l o c a t i o n as a w o m a n . speakable/knowable. My By knower. In the inside myself, s i l e n c e is t h e beginning from my alternative mode o f writing experience, m y b o d y and m y suppression o f m y my In this w o r k I d r o p embodiment from social w o r k i n t h e b o d y as v i s i b l e / I account for m y s e l f a n d my practice o f the abstract m o d e because m y p h y s i c a l w o r k provides for the c o n d i t i o n s o f the abstract m o d e . its e x i s t e n c e . I m a k e visible i n m y w o r k o f r e c o n s t r u c t i n g w o m a n h o o d the c o n d i t i o n s o f T h e v a l i d i t y a n d i m p a c t o f m y r e c o n s t r u c t i o n rest o n t h i s w o r k ' s s u c c e s s o f m a k i n g available, accountable a n d observable m y concrete l o c a t i o n in social relations a n d o n the possibility experience of seeing f r o m there h o w the differing locations o f others organise their differently. L a n g u a g e is p r a c t i c a l c o n s c i o u s n e s s . Ideas c o m e f r o m e v e r y d a y life. E v e r y d a y l i f e is s o c i a l l y o r g a n i s e d p r i o r t o its e x p r e s s i o n i n a c o n c e p t u a l f r a m e w o r k o r as s o c i o l o g i c a l c o n cepts. I reveal t h r o u g h j o u r n a l w r i t i n g t h a t I a c c o m p l i s h sense a n d o r d e r i n m y social 64 relations w i t h myself and others prior to writing about organisation o f real life can be discovered. them. I demonstrate that It d o e s n o t w a i t t o b e c o n c e p t u a l l y the imposed. I stopped disconnecting m y intimate thoughts from m y intellectual notions b y writing t h e m all i n one place. knowledge. I n s o d o i n g I c o n s t i t u t e d m y e x p e r i e n c e as m a t e r i a l t o b e w o r k e d u p i n t o F o l l o w i n g this m e t h o d m e a n t n o t forseeing clearly where it w o u l d take m e a n d continuing to w o r k without an externally determined goal. T h i s allowed me to discover the c o n n e c t i o n s o f m y experience a n d ideas rather t h a n stuffing m y experience i n t o c o n c e p tual b o x e s fashioned elsewhere for the purposes o f others. m a d e v i s i b l e m y p r a c t i c e at a r t i c u l a t i n g . M y freewriting journal procedure It a l l o w e d m e t o u n c o v e r t h e o r g a n i s a t i o n o f m y t h o u g h t s a n d feelings b y l a y i n g t h e m o u t o n p a p e r . T h i s m e t h o d o f writing translated the immediacies o f m y experience into social forms o f thought. In s u m , the ruling c o n s t r u c t i o n o f w o m a n h o o d I used i n family relations a n d i n acad e m i c r e l a t i o n s c o n s t i t u t e d m e as a n o b j e c t f o r o t h e r s . In the abstract ruling m o d e I acted to d e n y the a u t h o r i t y o f m y o w n e x p e r i e n c e , h i d e a n d despise m y w o m a n l y b o d y , to cut o f f my p h y s i c a l g r o u n d i n g f r o m m y c o n s c i o u s k n o w l e d g e , t o k n o w m y s e l f as i n f e r i o r b e c a u s e female. These practices split m y enforced m y o w n passivity. my voice. I thought resolution to life i n t w o a w o r k o f opposing myself. I lived m y life for others. a n d s p o k e against m y b o d y . I m a k e visible a n d love m y w o m a n ' s b o d y . actively I asserted m y o w n agency i n d e n y i n g I u s e d m y p o w e r against m y s e l f . this c o n t r a d i c t i o n grows i n the r e c o n s t r u c t i o n I u n d e r t a k e here. b e g i n f r o m m y e x p e r i e n c e as a w o m a n . and power. by Herein I claim the authority to speak for myself. I translate m y p h y s i c a l g r o u n d i n g i n t o B y t h i n k i n g t h r o u g h n o t against the b o d y I let m y light shine o u t . The I I reown, knowledge I reconstruct w o m a n h o o d b y using m y p o w e r o f seeing, knowing.-acting a n d speaking for myself. I close by returning to womanhood structed. A common fates w h i c h I p r a c t i c e d w i t h m y as i n d i v i d u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e d and socially con- f e a t u r e o f t h e s o c i a l s u b o r d i n a t i o n o f w o m e n is o u r i s o l a t i o n f r o m o t h e r s w i t h sisters. We endured similar oppressions quite a l o n e w h i l e side b y side b e c a u s e w e l a c k e d t h e m e a n s o f e x p r e s s i o n t o articulate o u r b o n d s . By speaking what c o u l d not be said before I struggle to u n d o this i s o l a t i o n . Presenting p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s as s o c i a l r e l a t i o n s o f c o r p o r a t e c a p i t a l i s m c h a l l e n g e s t h e s u b o r d i n a t i o n o f women. challenges Perceiving the the connections bifurcated form of o f personal a n d market relations ordinarily obscured social organisation that excludes us as women from 65 mental Our p r o d u c t i o n , a n d that lack o f the means confines us to the domestic o f language cuts us o f f f r o m isolates us f r o m speaking o u r c o m m o n o p p r e s s i o n . world o f embodiment social expression work. o f our bonds and Recognising our social subordination b y giving it s o c i a l e x p r e s s i o n is a p r e l u d e t o e n d i n g it. B r e a k i n g t h r o u g h the silence r e c l a i m s t h e means finding o f m e n t a l p r o d u c t i o n w e n e e d as w o m e n o u r voices Womanhood we can become the authors is g r o u n d w o r k f o r t h e f o u n d a t i o n . o t o t r a n s f o r m ourselves i n t o subjects. o f a n e w social order. In Reconstructing 66 BIBLIOGRAPHY Bandler, Richard and J o h n Grinder 1975 T h e S t r u c t u r e o f M a g i c , V o l s . I & II. P a l o A l t o , C a l i f o r n i a : S c i e n c e a n d B e h a v i o r Books. Barling, M a r i o n 1975 "Constance L y t t o n , Suffragette," Unpublished. Bassett, Isabel 1975 T h e Parlour Rebellion. T o r o n t o : M c C l e l l a n d & Stewart. Bern, Sandra L . a n d D a r y l J . Bern 1971 " T r a i n i n g the W o m a n to K n o w H e r Place: T h e Power o f N o n - C o n s c i o u s Ideology," i n M i c h e l e H o f f n u n g G a r s k o f (ed.), R o l e s W o m e n P l a y . 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Women's Research Centre 1977 N o r t h e r n B r i t i s h C o l u m b i a W o m e n ' s T a s k F o r c e R e p o r t o n Single Resource Communities. Industry Vancouver. Woolf, Virginia 1973 A R o o m o f One's O w n . Harmondsworth, Middlesex: Penguin Books. Wyckhoff, 1977 Hogie Solving Women's Problems. N e w Y o r k : G r o v e Press. Ziegler, Maggie 1978 " T h e r a p y a n d Politics: A Personal A c c o u n t . " Unpublished. Zimmerman, D o nH . 1974 " F a c t as a P r a c t i c a l A c c o m p l i s h m e n t , " i n R o y T u r n e r ( e d . ) , Harmondsworth, Middlesex: Penguin, 128-144. Ethnomethodology.
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Reconstructing womanhood : a method and an account Cole, Cynthia 1979
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Title | Reconstructing womanhood : a method and an account |
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Cole, Cynthia |
Date Issued | 1979 |
Description | This work explicates the social construction of womanhood by providing an instance of its reconstruction. I organise the body of the text into three chapters: a frame, a method and an account. In the frame I outline the context of my research, sketch the organisation of my inquiry and provide my location in relation to the discipline of sociology. The frame makes explicit the need for and view from my shift to women's perspective. The inquiry begins in the rupture I lived between experience grounded in my physical female being not yet mediated by words and the social forms of expression available to me. I extend the work of Dorothy E. Smith to account for the bifurcation between women's bodies / work in the body and ruling forms of mental production. These forms exclude women and constitute us as objects by building in and taking for granted as the source the consciousness of (ruling class) men. This construction annihilates women's subjectivity and is manifest as our inability to generate authoritative statements. The practical lack of ability to decide and to speak for ourselves is a consequence of a ruling relation in which women exist for men. To enter the dominant forms of expression we must suspend our sex, cut off our bodily power and attempt to stand outside ourselves. Sociology practices a ruling relation by working in the abstract-conceptual mode that excludes concrete, local and particular embodiments. The female body discredits and disqualifies us for positions in the head world of ruling. However only by adopting the stance of insiders to ourselves can we account for the practice of the ruling mode because our work in the body provides the conditions of the abstract-conceptual mode. This insiders' stance allows us to reclaim mental work by generating social forms of expression that make visible / speakable / knowable our bodies and bodily work upon which work in words depends. Writing from women's perspective is the means by which I reconstruct my knowledge of womanhood as sociology. The chapter on method lays out the specific procedures I use in accomplishing an alternative construction of womanhood and provides the conditions of producing the account which reconstructs my past. The focus is on performing a relocation of myself from object to subject by starting from myself, my female body and my everyday experience as a woman and originating forms of expression from this centre. I create this shift through writing a journal. In the account I relate how I came to know myself as a woman in the process of growing up, uncover how family relations constructed the social meaning of womanhood and account for my experience of inferiority. I learned to practice bifurcated consciousness of head and body and a ruling relation to myself by internalising the split between my father as the agent of ruling class authority and my mother as the exemplar of woman's silenced embodiment work. The thesis contributes to the body of knowledge explicating the split between public and private domains by presenting personal relations as social relations of corporate capitalism and linked to social relations of public production. |
Genre |
Thesis/Dissertation |
Type |
Text |
Language | eng |
Date Available | 2010-03-06 |
Provider | Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library |
Rights | For non-commercial purposes only, such as research, private study and education. Additional conditions apply, see Terms of Use https://open.library.ubc.ca/terms_of_use. |
DOI | 10.14288/1.0094659 |
URI | http://hdl.handle.net/2429/21589 |
Degree |
Master of Arts - MA |
Program |
Sociology |
Affiliation |
Arts, Faculty of Sociology, Department of |
Degree Grantor | University of British Columbia |
Campus |
UBCV |
Scholarly Level | Unknown |
Aggregated Source Repository | DSpace |
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