@prefix vivo: . @prefix edm: . @prefix ns0: . @prefix dcterms: . @prefix dc: . @prefix skos: . vivo:departmentOrSchool "Education, Faculty of"@en, "Curriculum and Pedagogy (EDCP), Department of"@en ; edm:dataProvider "DSpace"@en ; ns0:degreeCampus "UBCV"@en ; dcterms:creator "Purru, Kadi"@en ; dcterms:issued "2009-11-17T01:01:59Z"@en, "2003"@en ; vivo:relatedDegree "Doctor of Philosophy - PhD"@en ; ns0:degreeGrantor "University of British Columbia"@en ; dcterms:description """My dissertation is an inquiry into issues of home and belonging. For many people, the struggle to create a home in a "new" country, and the oscillation between a past "there" and present "here" have become ways of existence. Displacement challenges and raises questions regarding one's roots, affiliations, loyalty and belonging. The yearning for a place such as home becomes a site of inquiry for communities of displaced people. Destined to live between languages, cultures and national affiliations, im/migrants construct their homes in the particular place of "border." Acknowledging Home(s) and Belonging(s): Border Writing is "homeward" journeying through the discursive landscapes of nation, ethnicity, diaspora, and "race." It explores how border interrupts/initiates a discourse of home. I am an im/migrant researcher. The word "migrant" connotes impermanence, detachment and instability. From this positionality I introduce a slash into the word "immigrant" to transform these connotations into a permanence of migration. As autoethnographic and conversational inquiry, I explore im/migrant experiences from the position of "I," rather than "We." However, "I" is not a position of isolated individual(istic) exclusiveness, but a position of the personal articulation through the relationships with/in community. My research includes conversations with: theorists, colleagues from different disciplinary backgrounds, members of the "ethnic" communities to which I belong, and my daughter. I construct these conversations as borderzone arriculations where a "third space" emerges. The word dissertation stems etymologically from Greek dialegesthai, to converse, to dialogue; whereby dia- means "one with another," and legesthai means "to tell, talk." My dissertation endeavors to recognize - to know again, to know anew these deep layers of border as dialogue and conversation. As an im/migrant inquiry, my dissertation intends to create a different, mother knowing and culture of scholarship that broaden and deepen the space of academic researching/writing."""@en ; edm:aggregatedCHO "https://circle.library.ubc.ca/rest/handle/2429/15103?expand=metadata"@en ; dcterms:extent "10323830 bytes"@en ; dc:format "application/pdf"@en ; skos:note "ACKNOWLEDGING HOME(S) AND BELONGING(S): BORDER WRITING by K A D I P U R R U B . A . / M . A . St. Petersburg Institute o f Theatre, Music and Cinematography, 1980 M . A . University of British Columbia, 1996 A THESIS S U B M I T T E D I N P A R T I A L F U L F I L L M E N T O F T H E R E Q U I R E M E N T S F O R T H E D E G R E E O F D O C T O R O F P H I L O S O P H Y in T H E F A C U L T Y O F G R A D U A T E S T U D I E S Faculty of Education The Centre for the Study of Curriculum and Instruction We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard T H E U N I V E R S I T Y O F B R I T I S H C O L U M B I A Vancouver, B . C . May 2003 © Kadi Purru , 2003 In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements for an advanced degree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the head of my department or by his or her representatives. It is understood that copying or publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission. Department of / lu G - K ^ ^ \\HLL S{Q< The University of British Columbia Vancouver, Canada DE-6 (2/88) Abstract M y dissertation is an inquiry into issues of home and belonging. For many people, the struggle to create a home in a \"new\" country, and the oscillation between a past \"there\" and present \"here\" have become ways of existence. Displacement challenges and raises questions regarding one's roots, affiliations, loyalty and belonging. The yearning for a place such as home becomes a site of inquiry for communities of displaced people. Destined to live between languages, cultures and national affiliations, im/migrants construct their homes in the particular place of \"border.\" Acknowledging Home(s) andBelonging(s): Border Writing is \"homeward\" journeying through the discursive landscapes of nation, ethnicity, diaspora, and \"race.\" It explores how border interrupts/initiates a discourse of home. I am an im/migrant researcher. The word \"migrant\" connotes impermanence, detachment and instability. From this positionality I introduce a slash into the word \"immigrant\" to transform these connotations into a permanence of migration. As autoethnographic and conversational inquiry, I explore im/migrant experiences from the position of \"I,\" rather than \"We.\" However, \"I\" is not a position of isolated individual(istic) exclusiveness, but a position of the personal articulation through the relationships with/in community. M y research includes conversations with: theorists, colleagues from different disciplinary backgrounds, members of the \"ethnic\" communities to which I belong, and my daughter. I construct these conversations as borderzone arriculations where a \"third space\" emerges. The word dissertation stems etymologically from Greek dialegesthai, to converse, to dialogue; whereby dia- means \"one with another,\" and legesthai means \"to tell, talk.\" M y dissertation endeavors to recognize - to know again, to know anew these deep layers of border as dialogue and conversation. A s an im/migrant inquiry, my dissertation intends to create a different, mother knowing and culture of scholarship that broaden and deepen the space of academic researching/writing. 11 Journeying homeward is (not) about homecoming, is (not) about homesteading, is (not) about leaving home. Journeying homeward is being at home in the journey . TABLE OF CONTENTS Abstract ii Note to the Reader vii Acknowledgements viii Dear Reader 1 D W E L L I N G IN T H E DISSERTATION 2 im/migrant inquiring 3 border writing 6 theoria 11 departing 16 journeying (non)methodologically homewards 18 W H E R E N E S S O F BELONGING(S): B E T W E E N H E R E A N D T H E R E 24 our home is far away 25 what do you take with you when going on a journey? 26 between Estonia and Colombia 27 between Colombia and Canada 30 between here and there 32 between disciplines: autofictional dialogues 33 between Canada and Estonia 36 where do you come from? 38 between belonging and not belonging 42 C O N V E R S A T I O N A L REAL-I-TBES 45 the road is a slow moving river of red clay 51 WANDERING BORDER 55 A TRA VESANDO DIASPORIC SPACES W I T H A FRIEND, M A I J A 56 contextual FOOTnote 57 entering into diasporic space 58 locating: where are we from? 64 iv from \"North\" to \"South,\" from Finland to Mexico 68 from \"East\" to \"West,\" from Estonia to Columbia 72 pedagogical encounters 75 re-locating: where are we at ? 80 email from Maija: where am I at 86 WANDERING BORDER 88 \" A T H O M E \" O N T H E BORDER: E N T A N G L I N G E T H N I C AFFILMTIONS 89 voices from the border 90 letters to Linda Kivi, an Estonian Canadian writer 91 contextual FOOTnote 92 not my country 106 becoming Estonian Canadian: from theatre to community 108 ring 110 who are we? I l l professional vs. amateur 118 \"high\" vs. \"low\" 122 ring 132 Werewolves among us: a drop of foreign blood 134 (un)familiar: mother - daughter kitchen table talks 139 contextual FOOTnote 140 ethnic 154 WANDERING BORDER 155 NATION: T H E U N C A N N Y H O M E 158 fairy tales and/on a \"civilizing mission\" 159 Nukitsamees: The boy with horns 161 not home 164 the \"uncanny\" 168 iiunheimlichv' 171 the Nation as home 176 v WANDERING BORDER 180 UN/ENDING: C O N V E R S A T I O N W I T H A N E D U C A T O R , C O L L E A G U E AND FRIEND, H A R T E J G I L L 183 contextual FOOTnote 184 uncoding the \"colour\" code 186 defining transcultural 194 un/comfortable ethnic realities 204 un/ending 215 WANDERING BORDER 228 HEART(H)MINDING AWARENESS O F BE(LONG)ING 231 sudametunnistus: h e a r t w i t n e s s i n g 232 koda 243 be(long)ing in the journey 244 W O R K S C I T E D AND C O N S U L T E D 252 vi Note to the Reader: I acknowledge the following texts interwoven with/in my dissertational text/ure: 1. Enrique Buenaventura, \"The Schoolteacher,\" translated from Spanish by Gerardo Luzuriaga and Robert S. Rudder, in The Orgy: Modern One-Act Plays from Latin America. Berkley, C A : University of California Press, 1974. 2. Jaan Kaplinski , \"The East-West Border,\" translated from Estonian by Jaan Kaplinski with Sam Hami l l and Ri ina Tamm, in The Wandering Border: Poems by Jaan Kaplinksi . Port Townsend: Copper Canyon Press, 1987. 3. \"How Can I Recognize My Home\" is an Estonian runo-song adapted by Jaan Kaplinski and translated from the Estonian by Krist in Kuutma. It is published in a booklet accompanying the C D titled Litany to Thunder prepared by the composer Veljo Tormis, Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir and Tonu Kaljuste. The C D was recorded in 1999 by E C M Records GmbH, Miinchen, Germany. \"Runo-songs link modern Estonians to the ancient pre-Christian shamanistic culture practiced by the Baltic Finnic peoples around the Gulf of Finland.\" This is what Veljo Tormis, a composer who has dedicated his life to the collection and exploration of the legacy of runo-songs, says on the program accompanying the runo-songs. But how do I establish this link when the modernist master narrative of \"nation \" and my schoolbooks have disconnected me from my past and my roots, from my connections to my ancestors' home? This is my underlying concern when quoting and referring to words from \"How Can I Recognize M y Home\" throughout my thesis. v i i Acknowledgements \"[KJnowledge is in the end based on acknowledgement... \" - Ludwig Wittgenstein, On Certainty. M y researching/writing dwells with/in relationships. I acknowledge: the commitment of my dissertation committee through all the stages of my work: the caring and inspiring guidance of my supervisor Dr. Karen Meyer; the unconditional support and trust in my work o f Prof. Jan Selman and the creative understanding and editing assistance of Dr. Lynn Fels. the questions, comments and suggestions that deepened and broadened my understanding of the issues at hand of the members of my examination committee, Dr. Carl Leggo and Dr. Er ika Hasebe-Ludt. the respectful reading and generous critique/response to my work of the external examiner Dr. Jurgen Kremer. the gift of exchange of ideas and thoughts with my colleagues - Mai ja Heimo, Hartej G i l l , Rauna Kuokkanen - who provided me with learning opportunities through the engagement in conversations. the courage o f my daughter, Iana Veronica Rey who shared with me her personal struggle on \"multicultural\" issues in the space of my dissertation. the contribution of the members of the Estonian Canadian theatre group in Vancouver -Armas Kiv i s i ld , Aino Lepp, Leida Nurmsoo, Dagmar Ohman, Helle Sepp, Marje Suurkask - with whom I have worked together since 1991. the impact of writings and friendship of Estonian Canadian writer Linda K . K i v i . the importance o f discussions and editing support from my friend, Warren Linds, the University of Regina. the Centre for the Study of Curriculum and Instruction's (CSCI) community for providing me a scholarly and emotionally supportive academic home. the invaluable help of my colleague Teresita Tubianosa with formatting and other technical issues. v i i i I dedicate my dissertation to my family - my husband, Jose Rey; my daughter, Iana Veronica Rey; and my mother, Linda Purru - who have supported and accompanied me during the entire researching/dissertation-writing journey. ix Dear Reader, Armas Lugeja, Please, allow me to begin with the ancient lines from an Estonian runo-song me/'e meel teeb teele minna let's set out on the road teele minna maale saada set out on the road and begin to go osata oma koduje to go towards home margata oma majaje to find our own dwelling kust ma tunnen oma kodu how can I recognize my home millest markan oma maja how can I find my house kus me lahme vastu 66da where shall we go towards the night vastu 66da vastu pdhja towards the night towards the north vastu helgasta ehada towards the shining twilight vastu koitu keerulista towards the brightness of dawn DWELLING IN THE DISSERTATION 2 im/migrant inquiring We are l iving in the age of \"immense spatial upheaval\" (Massey, 1992, p. 3) caused by globalization and instantaneous worldwide communication as well as by political and economic diaspora. Even in the last twenty years, changes have been enormous, and the sense of dislocation, fragmentation and disorientation is currently expressed by many. Modern cultural theorists (such as Bammer, Kaplan, Sarup and others) agree that the appearance of \"displaced\" people - refugees, immigrants, migrants, exiles - has become the defining feature of our time. Julia Kristeva is convinced that \"our present age is one o f exile\" (1986, p. 286). Iain Chambers thinks that \"migration, together with the enunciation of cultural borders and crossings, is also deeply inscribed in the itineraries of much contemporary reasoning\" (1994, p. 2). A s an im/migrant researcher, I have chosen \"im/migrant\" among other available scholarly categories to articulate experiences of post/modem displacement such as refugee, exile, expatriate, tourist, nomad (Kaplan, 1998). Although I am ethnically affiliated with Estonian Canadians, historically I do not form part o f their diaspora as expatriates of the Second World War. I \"came out\" from Estonia during the times of the Cold War, not as a political refugee and not as an im/migrant to Canada. Rather, I went to Colombia due to my marriage. I belong to the Colombian diaspora, although I did not arrive in Canada as a refugee but as a \"visitor.\" I am not ethnically connected to this community of Colombian Canadians. A s a Canadian citizen, I identify with and participate in both the Estonian Canadian and Colombian Canadian communities. However, since my journey between home and away stands apart from collective experiences of these ethnic communities, I do not feel entitled to speak on their behalf or to represent them. Dwell ing in the space between belonging and not belonging, I can only position myself within the particularities of this space which forms part o f the experiences of displacement of both Estonian Canadian and Colombian Canadian communities. Due to these circumstances, I feel a need to inquire into the experiences of displacement from the position of \"I ,\" rather 3 than \"We,\" where \" I \" is not a position of isolated individual(istic) exclusiveness, but a position of the personal articulation through the relationships with/in community. \"Settling in a country to which one is not a native\" 1 makes me an immigrant. However, / prefer to write this word with the slash \"im/migrant\" in order to point to the tension that the condition of immigration evokes - the tension between settling in and being on the move, between home and away, between belonging and not belonging. [T]o t rave l impl ies movemen t between f ixed posi t ions, a site of departure, a po in t of a r r iva l , the knowledge of a n i t inerary. It also mtimates an eventual return, a potent ia l homecoming . M i g r a n c y , o n the contrary, invo lves a movemen t i n w h i c h neither the points of departure nor those of a r r iva l are immutab le or certain. It calls for a d w e l l i n g i n language, i n histories, i n identit ies that are constantly subject to muta t ion . A l w a y s i n transit, the promise of a h o m e c o m i n g - comple t ing the story, domest icat ing the detour - becomes a n imposs ib i l i ty . (Chambers, 1994, p . 5) \"The word Migrant houses connotations of impermanence, instability, detachment,\" writes Azade Seyhan in her article \"Geographies of Memories: Protocols of Writing in the Borderland\" (1997, p. 76). Thus, cutting the \"im/migrant\" with the slash settles me into permanence o f migration. Migrancy and exile, as Edward Said points out, involves a \"discontinuous state o f being\" (1990, p. 365) where \"sense of belonging, our language and the myths we carry in us remain, but no longer as 'origins' or signs of 'authenticity' capable of guaranteeing the sense of our lives\" (Chambers, 1994, p. 19). L iv ing in the history of border crossings, de-territorializations and re-territorialization, the monolithic national or ethnic identities and the formulations of our \"originary\" communities now manifest themselves \"as traces, memories and murmurs that are mixed with other histories, episodes, encounters\" (Chambers, 1994, p. 19). The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language. 1982, p. 658. 4 Regardless or because of the condition of \"migrancy\" and \"displacement,\" the yearning for a place such as home becomes essential for the community of dis-placed people. Home is one of the notions that lie in the heart of im/migrant communities. It lies in the heart of the people who live outside of belonging or on the border between belonging and not belonging and for whom national, ethnic, geographical, cultural belonging has ceased to be granted. A s one of the central themes in the im/migrant narratives, \"home\" has caught wide attention from cultural theorists, human geographers, postcolonial and feminist critics (such as Massey, hooks, Bhabha, Sarup, Min-ha, Lavie, Kaplan, and Hall). The notion of home is closely related and intersects with the notion o f \"identity\" -a key word of \"multicultural\" l iving and academic inquiring - however, I have chosen the topic of \"home\" as the centre of my inquiries. Unlike complex theorizations about \"identity,\" \"home\" has a potential to create ties of understanding and conversational links between \"academic\" and \"non-academic\" communities. Nige l Rapport and Andrew Dawson discuss the viability of \"home\" as an analytical construct for their book, Migrants of Identity: Perceptions of Home in a World of Movement. They talk about \"the expressive deficiencies of traditional classifications of identity, such as locality, ethnicity, religiosity and nationality\" which do not convey the \"universally affective power of home\" (1998, p. 8). They also refer to Torgovinick who argues that \"home\" is one of the \"few remaining Utopian ideals, and does not need to be replaced by more abstract analytical terms\" (as quoted in Rapport & Dawson, p. 8). B y choosing \"home\" as the guiding concept of my inquiring/journeying, I situate myself in the intimacy of im/migrant l iving, hoping to speak from the position of attached involvement and participation rather than distanced unattached observation. I am aware, however, that while I am living/researching in an academic space, the danger of \"academizing\" the notion of \"home\" remains. 5 border writing I am living-re-searching-writing at the border between nations, \"races,\" cultures, languages, disciplines, epistemologies, discourses and wor(l)ds. Destined to live between homes, cultures and national affiliations, im/migrants construct their homes in such particular places as \"border.\" A s the very epitome of the immigrant genre, \"border\" is an intriguing place of inquiry since it constitutes zones of perpetual motion, confrontation, confusion, and translation where different idioms, intellectual heritages, and cultural memories are engaged. It subverts the overarching themes of modernity: the nation, language and identity and de-stabilizes the homogeneity of dominant metropolitan cultural discourses and ways of knowing. Heather Leach shares her experience of borders: The place of borders . . . is a place where n e w things get made - a fertile, yet dangerously volcanic place. Ye t i t is also no place at a l l , no k i n g d o m , on ly language i n movement : language so mol t en that a l l inscr ipt ions melt, a n d o n w h i c h no th ing can be f inal ly inscr ibed. In academia, to be without a kingdom is to risk sinking without trace or tenure. (my ho ld ing , 2001, p . 208) So be it. I surrender to this risk. A s an im/migrant researcher and border writer, I can claim no kingdom, no nation, no discipline. I can intend to dramatize this dominant academic order from the space of border and make it a more hospitable place because, as Heather Leach reminds us, the borders, the boundaries of writing, are at least as temporary and disputable as the walls and lines which divide and surround countries and nations. She asks: 6 \" I f . . . w e are left w i t h w r i t i n g that has no proper name, no f ixed adobe, then wha t k i n d of realms of t ru th and mean ing m i g h t such w r i t i n g create?\" (pp. 207-208) The notion of \"border\" has been the focus for more than a decade of those scholars who explore the issues o f ethnic, racial, gender identities and differences of those who occupy the margins - the \"borderlands\" of modem nations - \"the colonized,\" \"women,\" \"the coloured,\" and \"the immigrant.\" There are a variety of ways to inquire into the notion of \"border\". . . \"contact zones\" [are] social spaces where disparate cultures meet, clash, and grapple w i t h each other, often i n h igh ly asymmetr ica l relations of domina t i on a n d subord ina t ion — l ike co lonia l i sm, slavery, or their aftermaths as they are l i v e d out across the globe today. (Pratt, 1992, p . 4) \"in between\" is a place of enuncia t ion that is not on ly between t w o pola r posit ions, i t is also i n a n e w place - fo rmed w h e n those t w o posi t ions s o m e h o w ignite, incite a n d initiate something O n e of the characteristics of this place \" i n between\" is that there is a lways that m o m e n t of surprise, that m o m e n t of in te r rupt ing something. (Bhabha & B u r g i n , 1994, p . 454) 7 \"creolization\" is a cu l tu ra l process - mater ia l , psychologica l and sp i r i tua l - based u p o n the s t imulus / response of i nd iv idua l s wi t r r in the society to their [new] envi ronment a n d to each other (Brathwaite, 1971, p . 11). The te rm has usual ly app l i ed par t icular ly to the Car ibbean and Sou th A m e r i c a n , a n d more loosely to those post -colonia l societies whose presence ethnical ly or racia l ly m i x e d popula t ions are a p roduc t of E u r o p e a n coloniza t ion . (Ashcroft , Griff i ths, & Tiff in , 1998, p . 58) \"metissage'' is a site of creative resistance to the dominan t conceptual parad igms . . . The g loba l mongrelization or metissage of cu l tu ra l forms creates complex identit ies a n d interrelated, i f not over lapping , spaces. (Lionnet , 1995, p p . 6-7) \"borderland gnosis\" (border gnosis for short) is a un ique f o r m of knowledge construct ion a m o n g subal tern communi t ies , i n w h i c h the per iphera l is brought to the centre. It is a k n o w i n g f rom the perspective of a n empire's border lands that counters the tendency of occidentalist perspectives to dominate , and thus l imi t , unders tanding. It is co ined b y the cu l tu ra l crit ic Wal te r M i g n o l o i n the context of L a t i n A m e r i c a n studies as a n e w pla t form for t l i i nk ing b e y o n d the cont ro l of m o d e r n / co lon ia l categories of thought. The question is how knowledge equivalent to European disciplinary knowledges, not only subjugated but placed them [other knowledges] in a subaltern position and justified the colonial effort to discipline (e.g., Christianize, civilize) non-European communities. (Migno lo , 2001, p . 179) 8 \"hybridity\" has never been a peaceful encounter, a tension-free theme park; i t has a lways been deeply entangled w i t h co lon ia l violence. W h i l e , for some, hyb r id i t y is l i v e d as just another metaphor w i t h i n a De r r idean freeplay, for others i t is al ive as p a i n and v iscera l m e m o r y . H y b r i d i t y , i n other words , is power - l aden and asymmetr ica l . (Stam, 1997, p . 1) \"nepantla\" is a N a h u a t l w o r d mean ing \"the l a n d i n the m i d d l e \" and i t is used b y Ch icana w o m e n to discuss the l i v i n g o n the border . \" N e p a n t l a \" is the site of transformation, the place where different perspectives come into conflict a n d where y o u quest ion the basic ideas, tenets, and identit ies inher i ted f rom y o u r family , y o u r educat ion, a n d y o u r different cultures. N e p a n t l a is the zone between changes where y o u struggle to f i n d e q u m b r i u m between the outer expression of change and y o u r inner relat ionship to it. ( A n z a l d u a , 2002a, p . 548) I feel affiliated with the conceptual dwellings that map borderlands writing and generate a space where different idioms, intellectual heritages, colonial legacies and cultural memories engage in the process of exchange, confrontation, and renegotiation. However, since these dwellings are embedded in different historical and cultural experiences, I can't claim them as my theoretical homelands. Thus, the border thinking/ writing in my dissertation dwells in articulating and reverberating itself through the poem \"The East - West Border,\" written by the Estonian poet Jaan Kaplinski (1987) 2: 2 The Wandering Border: Poems by Jaan Kaplinski. 1987, p. 9. All quotations from and re-workings/modifications of the poem rely on this text. 9 THE EAST - WEST BORDER is always wandering, sometimes eastward, sometimes west, and we do not know exactly where it is right now: in Gaugamela, in the Urals, or maybe in ourselves, so that one ear, one eye, one nostril, one hand, one foot, one lung and one testicle or one ovary is on the one, another on the other side. Only the heart, only the heart is always on one side: if we are looking northward, in the West; if we are looking southward, in the East; and the mouth doesn't know on behalf of which or both it has to speak. theoria I knew about the etymological connections between the notions of \"theory\" and \"theatre,\" but I never imagined that there are affinities between \"theory\" and \"tourism\" until I came across Gregory Ulmer 's book Heuretics: The Logic of Invention (1994), that fosters a link between theory and travel/tourism: The Greeks designated cer tain i n d i v i d u a l s to act as legates o n certain fo rmal occasions i n other c i ty states or i n matters of considerable po l i t i ca l importance. These i n d i v i d u a l s bore the title of theoros, and col lect ively const i tuted a theoria. They were s u m m o n e d o n special occasions to attest the occurrence of some event, to witness its happenstance, and to then verba l ly certify its h a v i n g taken place. (Godzich, as quoted i n U l m e r , 1994, p . 120) Does the positioning o f \"im/migrant\" re-searcher allow me to jo in the ranks of prestigious theoros/theorial I doubt it since, as Gregory Ulmer reminds us, the theoria are \"the ins t i tu t ional ly au thor ized witnesses\" (p. 121). Although the institutional authority might provide one of the privileged positions of looking, there is a danger that one might lose the possibility to see through one's own eyes. Rather than taking the position o f theoria, the over-viewing and looking down on \"l i fe\" in the university from the top of \"institutional heights,\" the im/migrant inquirer experiences life walking as a \"pedestrian,\" mingling and getting lost on the streets of the univerCITY. 3 Rather than travelling by academic highways, the im/migrant inquirer 3I am referring to Michel de Certeau's The Practice of Everyday Life (1984) where he compares two different ways of looking: 1) looking at the city of New York from the top of the World Trade Centre (which is after September 11, 2001 no longer possible) with voyeuristic pleasure as a whole, as a single map and 2) seeing the city from the perspective of the pedestrians when walking on the streets down below as a conglomeration of properties. 11 wanders on the side-roads and outskirts developing her erratic \"trajectories\" through the theoretical landscapes and disciplinary (border)zones. A s \"im/migrant\" researcher, I am a wayfarer dwelling in the journey where knowing emerges through and with/in the process of travelling/journeying: Caminante, son tus huellas Wayfarer the on ly w a y is y o u r footsteps, el camino, nada mas, there is no other caminante no hay camino, Wayfarer there is no way ; se hace camino al andar, y o u make the w a y as y o u go. al andar se hace camino, as y o u go, y o u make the way , y al volver la vista atras s topping to look a round se ve la senda que nunca y o u see the pa th Se ha de volver a pisar; That y o u r feet w i l l never t rave l again. caminante, no hay camino, Wayfarer there is no w a y , sino estelas en la mar, o n l y tracks o n ocean foam. 4 4 Spanish text is from Antonio Machado. Caminante. In Poesia y Prosa. Madrid: Espasa-Calpe. English translation is from Antonio Machado. (1982). Selected Poems. Trans. A. Trueblood. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, pp. 142-143. 12 To make one's road when walking means giving up the desire to \"fit into\" conventional theoretical (pre)establishment. It means giving up the privilege to dwell i n a secure and permanent academic adobe, the pre-fixed theoretical bastion from where one strategically over-views battles between different critiquing clans. To make one's road when walking means tactical5 dwelling in institutional interstices and confusing and insecure academic in-between zones. Such theoretical position/ing is not the question of choice but inevitability of im/migrant dwelling. After taking the responsibility for my theoretical journeying/dwelling, I notice a remark in Ulmer 's book I had not paid attention to during my previous readings. Ulmer, quoting Burnet, provides the reader with the original sense of theoria when it d i d not m e a n the k i n d of v i s i o n that is restricted to the sense of sight. The term i m p l i e d a complex but organic mode of active observation - a perceptual system that included asking questions, listening to stories and local myths, and feeling as well as hearing and seeing. It encouraged a n open recept ion to every k i n d of emotional , cogni t ive, symbol ic , imaginat ive, a n d sensory experience. (my bo ld ing , Burnet , as quoted i n U l m e r , p . 121) I invite you to dwell with/in my dissertation and to co-journey with me into the issues of home and belonging with that kind of \"theoretical\" perspective. This journey w i l l evolve on/through the different discursive landscapes of N A T I O N D I A S P O R A E T H N I C I T Y \" R A C E \" 5 I am referring to Mishel de Certeau's notions of strategy and tactics from The Practice of Everyday Life (1984). Strategy, according to de Certeau, is an art of the powerful - of producers. These \"subjects of will and power\" operate from their own place (a \"proper\"), an enclosed institutional space, which they have denned as their base for controlling and managing relations. Tactics are arts of the weak, by means of which the weak make disciplined spaces \"smooth\" and \"habitable\" through forms of occupancy (tricks, maneuvers). 13 Before we embark on this journey, I offer some metaphorical devices that might (or might not) orient you in the process of this reading/journeying. Y o u can approach this dissertation as an anthology, composed o f different essays, co-written dialogues, poetic intermissions written while I was making my road through the Ph. D . program at the university. Y o u can also approach it as a \"valley of flowers,\" since an anthology is a lovely word rooted etymologically in Greek anthologia \"flower-gathering,\" f rom anthos \"a f lower\" + logia \"collecting,\" f rom legein \"gather\" 6. Thus my dissertat ion gathers together a variety of \"colourful\" writing pieces articulated in different voices, styles and genres: academic, conversational, in/formal, poetic, comic, dramatic, pathetic, dry, epistolary, fragmented, confusing, and reflective. After a l l , \"the border crosser develops two or more voices\" (Gomez-Pefia, 1995 p. 149) and the accented language of im/migrant writer carries the styles o f \"other\" times and places and bearing generic traces o f \"other\" heritages, stories and memories. In Estonian the word \"to write\" is ft/r/utama kirju in English means \"multicoloured, multiple colours\" fcXRJUtama: \"writing\" in Estonian is multicoloured! A s im/migrant inquirer, I am writing in accented academic lingua using un/familiar narrative and generic schemes that mix and mingle with the patterns of orality of my native - Estonian - tongue which only became writing in the middle of the last century. A n d then, I am sure, there are traces of Spanish with singing Santanderian dialect (a province in the West Cordilleras) I learned to speak in Colombia, and of Russian that I acquired un/willingly during my schooldays. 6 The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language, 1982, p. 56. 14 Or you can approach this dissertation as a suitcase, containing an array of items, necessary and unnecessary things, carefully folded and wel l -arranged pieces, last minute additions - everything that one might need or might not need on the journey. Y o u can approach this dissertation as a dwelling, constructed o f diverse epistemological and disciplinary hallways leading into the main floor of awareness, the corridors of confusion, the getting-stuck comers, and many \"other\" rooms. B y the way, as the im/migrant inquirer, I walk around with dictionaries translating, looking up, and trying to make connections between languages and words. I looked up the word \"dissertation\"... The dissertation is \"a lengthy a n d fo rmal treatise or discourse, especially one wr i t t en b y a candidate for the doctora l degree at a univers i ty; thesis\" as The Houghton Mi f f l i n Canadian Dictionary of the English Language (1982, p. 381) confirms. When inquiring into the etymological roots of the word \"dissertation\" I was guided towards a Latin root-word dissertate (frequentative of disserere) composed of dis -, apart + serere, \"to connect, j o in ( in speech), discuss\" (p. 381). A s an im/migrant re/searcher I note that the roots of the word \"dis-sertation\" reveal the co-existence of both processes, separating and connecting, which brings the word \"dissertation\" closer to a borderzone writer. 15 departing It seems to me that border writing might present a very partial, one-sided point of view depending on which side of the border you are at. I acknowledge the importance o f the word partial in regards to my thesis/writing/home. M y thesis conveys/presents partial - \"not total, incomplete, biased, prejudiced\" 7 - positions, perspectives, knowings in regards to the concept of home. A n d home is/feels very particular. H o w can I know what colour the walls of your home are?! H o w can I know what flowers are on your table? How can I know what sounds fill your house? H o w can I know what you are talking about around your dinner-table? H o w can I know how big your family is? H o w can I know i f you live with your parents, grandparents, older brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, friends? H o w can I know how your home looks? Where is it? In which country? In which continent? H o w does it feel to be forced to leave behind your home? H o w does it feel to see the home of your ancestors taken and destroyed? H o w can I feel/perceive/know your experiences/homes? Thus, in choosing the topic of home for my dissertation, I acknowledge that I can only convey the very partial knowing through my particular experiencing/writing of home and belonging. After reminding myself about the partiality and particularity of my writing, I also recall the other meaning of the word \"partial,\" stemming from the Latin pars/partis 7 The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language. 1982, p. 955. 16 meaning of \"part,\" offering us new possibilities and ways in perceiving the word \"partial\" and \"particular.\" p a r t n . a por t ion , d iv i s ion , piece or segment of a w h o l e . 8 Thus, the notion part evokes and is embedded in the notion of whole. These two notions, \"part\" and \"whole,\" are interdependent; the one does not only make sense, but cannot exist without the other. When pointing at the partiality of my research approach/perspective and particularity of the topic, I do not intend to imprison the writing o f home into exclusionary, isolationist or individualistic frame. Quite to the contrary, I hope that my writing/researching home evokes and generates the particular readerly experiences/homes which become part of shared writing/reading/dwelling in/through this partial dissertational text. I leave larger spaces here so you can begin writing between my lines and the lines about/of/from your home, i f you so desire. I invite you also to attend to the other words connected to part like participation and partition, particle and partner, partisan and party, revealing the amazing interrelatedness between the part and the whole. The word \"departing\" also departs from part, and so does farewell party] If you are now truly getting amazed, please don't forget about maze in a m a z e d. The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language. 1982, p. 955. 17 journeying (non-methodologically) homewards What method/ology would support inquiring into the borderzone? method n. 1. A means or manner of procedure; especially, a regular a n d systematic w a y of accompl i sh ing anyth ing . 2. O r d e r l y a n d systematic arrangement; orderliness; regulari ty. 3. The procedures a n d techniques characteristic of a par t icular d isc ipl ine or f ie ld of k n o w l e d g e . 9 Method/ology has served the academy as a way of ordering the disorderly material/lity o f our lives by \"objectifying\" unruly \"subject matter(s),\" by creating disciplinary territories and boundaries, and by taking control and organizing \"knowing\" under the fixed categories. Perhaps the notion appeals to the more \"settled\" researchers looking for order, discipline, principles, prescriptions, \"systematic\" thinking and established boundaries. But it does not suit an im/migrant re/searcher who dwells in the geopolitical, cultural, linguistic, and disciplinary borderzones, who changes places, transgresses boundaries, and wanders along unfamiliar territories, who lives in perpetual transition and uncertainties, who is always on the journey. Thus it looks to me that such an inquirer is in a need of a b/orderly method/ology able to deal with the perpetual disorderliness, irregularities, and unsystematic rearrangements taking place in the process of journeying. Re-writing the definition of method from a b-orderly perspective seems not only to undermine the current academic method/ological order but to de-stabilize the meaning of the notion itself. However, inquiring with help of The Houghton M i f f l i n Canadian 9 The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of English Language. 1982, p. 826. 18 Dictionary of English Language into the etymology of method/ology uncovers the un/expected root meaning of the words: F rench methode, f rom L a t i n methodus, f rom Greek methodos, \" a go ing after/ ' pursu i t (as of knowledge) : met(a)-, after + hodos, journey. (1982, p. 826) The etymological roots of the word method extend to Greek hodos, meaning way, journey. Isn't it a more meaningful \"method/ology\" for the im/migrant re/searcher whose researching/writing is a journey? Isn't it a possibility to rethink/question the purpose and usage of method/ology from the perspective of the unstable and unpredictable reality of \"search\" within the process of academic \"re/search\"? The notion of \"journey\" insinuates a mobile research positioning, an im/migrant positioning, a position that moves between locations, changes perspectives, wanders through and around multiple sites, looks at different sights, and engages with transformative insights. \"Homeward\" conveys displacement - a condition and state of not being at home. A t the same time, it conveys the yearning, the movement towards home, the desire to journey, to move towards. Since any desire is fuelled by unfulfillment, reaching home is an unattainable dream. Thus what matters in \"homeward\" is not so much stability of home but the movement - \"(to)vrart/.\" Journeying homeward is (not) about homecoming, is (not) about homesteading, is (not) about leaving home. Journeying homeward is being at home in the journey. \"Homeward\" is not about finding home. It is about searching, coming close and leaving behind, turning and re-turning, departing and searching again, re-searching, endlessly moving towards . . . home. 19 For me, the journey is not romantic, heroic or extraordinary, as the notion of journey is often seen in Western narrative contexts. Journey for me is related to \"ordinary,\" to \"everyday,\" to daily learnings, struggles, tensions, mis/understandings, transformative insights. journey n. M i d d l e E n g l i s h journey, jorne, p e r iod of travel , a day 's t ravel ing, f rom O l d French jornee, f rom V u l g a r L a t i n diurnata (unattested), f rom L a t i n diurnum, da i ly por t ion , neuter of diurnus, daily, f rom dies, day . 1 0 A n d to journey, to move forward from one place to another, does not only mean to move towards a future. To journey, to move forward is not a unidirectional movement. The prefix for(e) indicates \"before\" in time. For(e)- in forward destabilizes the \"future\" oriented \"infront\" positioning, the unidirectional advancing/achieving/progressing movement and asks us to look back, towards the past, towards our own previous experiences and towards the wisdom of those who journeyed before us - \"beforehand.\" In journeying, moving forward, we dwell in the presence o f the daily interactions between past and future. In my re-search on home I am motivated To approach but/and not define I am motivated To approximate but/and not arrive I am motivated To search but/and not find My re-search dwells in the journey. . . 10 The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of English Language. 1982, pp. 707-708. 20 Phenomenological researcher Edward Casey traces the word dwell back to two apparently antithetical roots: O ld Norse dvelja, \"linger,\" \"delay,\" \"tarry,\" and O ld English dwalde, \"go astray,\" \"err,\" \"wander,\" reminds us that \"dwelling is accomplished not by residing but by wandering\" (my italics, Casey, 1993, p. 114). When approaching method/methodology as journey, remember that every journey is different. Every inquirer/journeyer faces challenges and risks, possibilities of taking a wrong turn, getting lost, not arriving at her or his desired destination. Doctoral seminar. O n educational research methodology. The instructor asks us to close our eyes a n d t ry to v isual ize , imagine the thesis each of us is go ing to wri te . I close m y eyes but cannot see anything. Different thoughts r u n restlessly th rough m y m i n d : Did I tell lana that I can meet her after the swimming lesson at 7 o'clock so that we can walk home together? No, I didn't. Oh, why did I forget?! I love to be with my daughter, she has grown up so quickly. . .what friends we have become... Ah, yes . . . thesis . . . thesis . . . I a m t ry ing to imagine a stack of three h u n d r e d pages, every single page f i l led w i t h many, m a n y . . . m a n y wr i t t en lines . . . and , of course, w i t h ve ry clever ones. I am so tired; perhaps I shouldn't run every morning. I hate running. . . funny . . . why do I run then? I like to greet the morning forest. . . Thesis, thesis . . . I cannot concentrate . . . stupid thesis . . . stupid me . . . Interesting, how can Margo take a plane every Wednesday and fly to Vancouver from Prince George just for this seminar? What DEDICATION! Yes, yes, thesis . . . I am trying to imagine its title.. . 21 \"Journeying Homewards: Poetics, Politics and Pedagogies of Belonging\" \"Im/migrant Sites, Sights, Insights: Following La Maestra/The Schoolteacher\" \" T O W A R D H E A R T ( H ) M I N D I N G C U R R I C U L U M : H O W C A N I R E - C O G N I Z E H O M E ? \" There is little to see through the windows of our seminar room. Sterile sites. Grey sights. Concrete buildings. A n d more concrete buildings. Oh, no, I can see a bit of a sky. The sky is pink. What an unusual color for the autumn sky! Like Sohaila's poetry she recited to me on our way home yesterday: \"Autumn is pregnant.\" Strange. Perhaps seen from a Pakistani perspective? In Western culture autumn is usually related to dying. The autumn sky in my hometown Tartu is normally passionately violet containing grey raining and the burning read-yellow o f the maple trees. Now I am asked to envision my favourite lines from my thesis . . . but WHERE IS MY THESIS? I cannot see it!!! A W O M A N is sitting i n front o f me right on the table. She teases me wi th something. Yes , I can see, she has got ho ld o f a stack o f papers - a l l filled wi th many, many . . . many written lines. MY THESIS?! How come? Who is this woman? Why does she have my thesis? How did she get a hold of it? The w o m a n laughs. Teasingly. I have never seen her before, and yet, I recognize her. It is La Maestra - The Schoolteacher - a character from the play o f Co lombian playwright Enrique Buenaventura, also called La Maestra (The Schoolteacher). I have known this play for a long, long time; I am very fond of it. So many events, experiences, memories are related to this play. I have read it hundreds of times, participated in its stagings, presented conference papers on it. One paper I wrote was called \"His story, History, Her Story: Whose Story is L a Maestra telling?\" A n d yet, I have never met L a Maestra before. 22 N o w , here she is - right i n front o f me - playing wi th my thesis. A n d I do not have a clue what is written there inside my thesis. A n d then I hear her voice telling me very softly and somewhat sadly, \"Don H forget about the Red Road.\" 23 WHERENESS OF BELONGING(S): BETWEEN HERE AND THERE 24 meie kodu kauge'ella OUR HOME IS FAR AWAY viisi versta vaheta many miles from here kuusi kuivada jogeda with six dry rivers seitse sooda sitke'eda seven sloppy swamps kaheksa kalamereda eight seas of fish uheksa hiiva ojada nine beautiful brooks kumme kulma allikada ten cold springs in between What do you take with you when you go on a journey? Do you take many things? Or just your toothbrush and nightgown? Depends how long your journey will be! What would you take when the duration of your journey is unknown? What would you take if you were allowed to take just a small suitcase of things? What would you take when you have only an hour. . . a half hour. . . ten minutes to pack before being deported from your homeland? What would you take when you have to run, run away to a far away land? What would you take when leaving forever? 26 between Estonia and Colombia WHEN I LEFT Leningrad on a huge Finnish cargo-ship with my two-year old daughter to re-meet my husband in Colombia one day in June, 1983... I took ten big boxes of books in Russian and Estonian; the books on parasitology, poultry, fishery, pig-farming, histology, cellular biology, veterinary medicine, beekeeping, agriculture that belonged to Jose; I took my books on world theatre history, Russian literature, literary theory, aesthetics, drama theory and criticism, Spanish-Russian and Estonian-Spanish dictionaries, Spanish Language textbook published in Poland, albums from the Hermitage and the Russian Museum, cookbooks on Estonian food, photographs with sites of Tallinn, Moscow, Leningrad, Tartu npo6ji3MM riosTHKH JJocroeBCKoro B. Eaxmuna, Lotmani Pushkini eluloo, Garcia Marquez 'e Sada Aastat Uksindust MopdpoJiormo CKa3KH B. nponna, 27 3HUHKH0ne,a;HK) MapKCHCTKO-JIeHHHCKOH OHJ10C(J)HH, HcTopHio flpeHeft Pycn B. JIuxaueea; I took toys for my daughter, yellow, green, maroon, orange, blue stuffed animals, baby-dolls and lady-dolls; I took the clothes my grandmother had sewed for me and my daughter with great care and love; I took two iron pans and four big pots, a large collection offorks, knives and spoons because my friend Sarma from Latvia who had left to live in Mexico a few years before me had told me that kitchenware abroad is awfully expensive; I took black-red-green Russian kerchiefs and shawls with flowers, leather valets and belts, Estonian ceramic vases, juniper beer-cups, candle holders for my Colombian relatives that I hadn 't ever met; I took a Soviet made massage machine that broke after I tried it out for the first time; I took an iron, the refrigerator that had a tractor motor according to a mechanic who repaired it in Colombia, a washing machine that we finally never used, 28 several large and small transformers to be able to make the Soviet-made machinery work in Colombia; I took a lot of pincers, pipettes, and things that I cannot name but that Jose supposedly was going to need in his laboratory work; I took Jose's heavy microscope and I was seriously thinking of taking a white concert piano, \"Estonia, \"just in case my daughter wanted to study music in Colombia. . . and, I almost forgot I took a green plastic potty which served us well throughout our trip, especially during our 48-hour bus trip from Cartagena, a seaport where we arrived, to our new home Malaga, a little village in the Western Colombian Cordilleras. While other travelers - campesinos with gray heavy ponchos and senoritas with make up, large hoops and butterfly bows on their back - had to go outside during requestedpee-stops, Iana was happily making use of her green potty just like at home. And one more thing. On our way from Cartagena to Malaga we stopped in Bucaramanga. Jose went to buy some items. He said that we could not begin our home in Colombia without them. He came back with an object I had never seen before. It was a liquadora, a jucemaker. Without a liquadora, / learned, you cannot begin a home in Colombia. All these things I took with me to Colombia are perhaps still there, though turned into other \"things\" by tropical rains, unbearable heat, industrious and frenzied mice, and aggressive termites... 29 between Colombia and Canada J felt lost, confused and anxious in the airport of Mexico City. My luggage - two enormous trunks and three smaller suitcases - was beyond my control. Luckily, I had been able to get rid of the bigger baggage, somehow squeezing it into a tiny storage slot/chamber. However, the backpack full of books on Colombian theatre, the handbag with the emergency items and my daughter's toys were still weighing down my shoulders. My daughter and I visited different food stands and ate in more than four different places, always leaving some food behind on our plates because the Mexican burritos and nachos were unusually \"hot\" compared to the Colombian food that had never tasted so picante. We had been in every single women's bathroom and were very familiar with all the banners and posters of the airport's tourist andfinancial officinas. Finally, we did not know what else we could do. I had made a decision to spend this night in the airport after I lost hope to find a place to stay. Although I looked like a gringa, / did speak Spanish. I thought that I would not have a problem finding a hotel room in Mexico City for one night on our trip from Cali to Vancouver. However, our plane from Colombia was late. We had arrived at midnight and were given contradictory recommendations regarding hotels. I got dizzy and refused to accept any more advice. And so there we were, exhausted and bewildered, waiting for morning andfor our plane to Canada. We were in the passage from the Third World to the First World. I felt so excited when we finally found ourselves on the Japanese airline's plane heading towards Vancouver. All the worries seemed to be over. Soon we would be reunited with Jose who had left Colombia three months before us. He was already immersed in his newly discovered student life in the unfamiliar country, pursuing his second Ph.D. degree, when our daughter and I were still struggling to obtain visas, permissions, certificates for exits and entrances, and finishing, tying up the ends of our life in Jose's homeland. During these three months I had felt the utmost solitude. Or perhaps it was not solitude, since I did not feel isolatedfrom the surrounding people. 30 Rather, I felt, as my mother used to say in Estonia, \"in between earth and sky.\" It was a state of anxiety, confusion and dislocation. After Jose had left, the familiar reference points of belonging were suddenly gone. I was disconnectedfrom the country where I had begun to feel at home, where my daughter had grown up, where I had worked, loved and struggled for more than six years. Suddenly, I realized how helpless, alone andfar away from home I was. 31 between here and there \"Where am I?\" is, after all, one of the most poignant of human formulations. It speaks for an anxiety that is intense, recurrent, and all but unbearable. -John Russell Here or there There or here Where is here? Where is there? Here is here There is there There is not here Here is not there But where is between? Here? There? Or t/here? Not to know where we are is torment, and not to have a sense of place is a most sinister deprivation. -John Russell 32 between disciplines: autofictional dialogues APPLICATION FORM Department of Theatre. MUCA10MW1M HE: We phoned you because you seem to have a pretty interesting background in theatre...Estonia. Russia. Colombia. Hmmm... ME: / would like to continue my theatre studies. I am interested in looking at the pedagogy of ~ V ^ C ^ ^ W 8 J \\ the theatre program 1 was involved in when working ^ \\ \\ j ^ j n \\ V N J v V ^ in Colombia. It was a very experimental program and before I left we began working on its re-structuring. I would like to . HE: Well, in this case it might be better for you to contact the Department of Education. You cant buy shoes in a meat shop. Department of Anthropology. HE: If you want to study in our department you have to start with the undergraduate courses. What? You have a M.A.? M E : Yes. In Theatre Studies. HE: You see, that's what I mean, you don't have a background required for graduate studies in our department. Deportment ol fooioloqu. HE: I see. you ore interested in lookino, ol theatre from o loraer soeiolooical perspective. What ore you currently reoolno? ~*MiWM M E : / am reading Marco De Marinis'The Semiotics o f P e r f _ . APPLICATION HE: This is not our approach. You have to read Becker's M lUortds. You'll find this booh in the library. AfPLlCATI 33 M E : I am desperate, my soul is dying in this asphyxiating APPLICATION FORM materialistic consumerist world. My background is in theatre and I think that theatre and spirituality are intimately connected. HE: indeed. What religions congregation do yon belong to? On, yon donl belong to any? I donl know how we can help yon, certainly, please keep In tonch. With time.... Department of Hispanic ftudief HEt I understand that you lived and worked In Latin America for » WM IP A T f A M VATI t1 five years, but your academic records Al 1L1L A l i l lW f U K M dont show any evidence of documented academic credits in the discipline of Hispanic Studies. Vou need to start as an unclassified student taking courses in Spanish Literature. The Programme of Comparative literature. SHE: [After four years}. We consider yon to be a 'suitable candidate* for our programme APFIICAION HOM because of your diverse cultural and linguistic background. However, you have to repeat the master's degree because your M. A . is not... The/ Centre/ for the/ Study of Curriovdoum/ oiyid In&friActtovu. I: Whew already writing' my PhiV. 1heM^i^thje/Vrogrc^mme/iYi' CowipGuratOve> L iterature/, I travwferred/ to- CSCI. After yeary of itKag^UngPs quaStiOYUMty, wcu^dering/I hcu&tfbwndthe/ commuriity where/1 wo* not forced/ to- \"fit wv\" butwhere/ my 34 knowledge; wov^ re^xn^ru^edi It felt if I }u&d/fbu