Education, Faculty of
Educational Studies (EDST), Department of
DSpace
UBCV
Desjarlais-Smith, Juanita Chastity
Doctor of Education - EdD
University of British Columbia
Indigenous leadership is still an emerging field of study within educational leadership, where Indigenous women’s voices and experiences are largely unaccounted for, especially in the K-12 educational system. This study explored Indigenous women’s wholistic leadership perspectives where they were often “the only one” or the sole leaders in their districts. This qualitative study utilized a purposeful sampling of seven Knowledge Holders. By using an Indigenous approach to research, this study employed storywork as a means to capture the finer details of the Knowledge Holders’ perspectives and lived experiences of leading. Specifically, seven Indigenous women shared their conversations using the Conversational Method and Sharing Circles, responding to the main research question: “How do Indigenous women leaders leading within large urban educational organizations retain their ‘inner fire’?” What is their lived experience leading in decolonizing education systems? Are they surviving, surthriving, or not? Data was collected through conversations via Zoom and field notes. The conversations were transcribed and analyzed using multi-level coding and thematic analysis. The key finding of the research is that Indigenous women struggle to keep their Indigeneity intact while navigating their leadership in decolonizing educational systems. They are often the sole Indigenous leaders in a system, who lean in to their cultural teachings, families, and mentors to help keep their inner fire stoked and burning brightly. This research contributed to the current emerging research in the field of study on Indigenous women’s leadership. There will continue to be a significant absence of Indigenous women leaders in leadership positions in educational organizations if changes are not made to the culture of these organizations. Further research is needed to expand and include the voices of those who identify as Black, People of Colour (POC), and LGBTQIA2S+ who are similarly leading in the K-12 and post-secondary education system.
Iskotew: Fire—Keeping the Fire Lit Indigenous Iskotwew (Women) Leading in Decolonizing Education Systems by Juanita Chastity Desjarlais-Smith B.F.A., University of Victoria, 1998 B.Ed., The University of British Columbia, 1999M.Ed., The University of British Columbia, 2014A DISSERTATION SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF EDUCATION in THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE AND POSTDOCTORAL STUDIES (Educational Leadership and Policy) THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA (Vancouver) December 2024 © Juanita Chastity Desjarlais-Smith 2024 ii The following individuals certify that they have read, and recommend to the Faculty of Graduate and Postdoctoral Studies for acceptance, the dissertation entitled: Iskotew: Fire—Keeping the Fire Lit Indigenous Iskotwew (Women) Leading In Decolonizing Education Systems submitted by Juanita Chastity Desjarlais-Smith in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Education in Educational Leadership and Policy Examining Committee: Dr. Fei Wang – Associate Professor, Department of Educational Studies, UBC Supervisor Dr. Alison Taylor – Professor, Department of Educational Studies, UBC Supervisory Committee Member Dr. Tracy Friedel – Assistant Professor, Department of Curriculum and Pedagogy, UBC Supervisory Committee Member Dr. Margaret Kovach, Professor, Department of Educational Studies, UBC University Examiner Dr. Moss Norman, Associate Professor, School of Kinesiology, UBC University Examiner Dr. Jeannie Kerr, Associate Professor, Faculty of Education, Simon Fraser University External Examiner iii Abstract Indigenous leadership is still an emerging field of study within educational leadership, where Indigenous women’s voices and experiences are largely unaccounted for, especially in the K-12 educational system. This study explored Indigenous women’s wholistic leadership perspectives where they were often “the only one” or the sole leaders in their districts. This qualitative study utilized a purposeful sampling of seven Knowledge Holders. By using an Indigenous approach to research, this study employed storywork as a means to capture the finer details of the Knowledge Holders’ perspectives and lived experiences of leading. Specifically, seven Indigenous women shared their conversations using the Conversational Method and Sharing Circles, responding to the main research question: “How do Indigenous women leaders leading within large urban educational organizations retain their ‘inner fire’?” What is their lived experience leading in decolonizing education systems? Are they surviving, surthriving, or not? Data was collected through conversations via Zoom and field notes. The conversations were transcribed and analyzed using multi-level coding and thematic analysis. The key finding of the research is that Indigenous women struggle to keep their Indigeneity intact while navigating their leadership in decolonizing educational systems. They are often the sole Indigenous leaders in a system, who lean in to their cultural teachings, families, and mentors to help keep their inner fire stoked and burning brightly. This research contributed to the current emerging research in the field of study on Indigenous women’s leadership. There will continue to be a significant absence of Indigenous women leaders in leadership positions in educational organizations if changes are not made to the culture of these organizations. Further research is needed to expand and include the voices of iv those who identify as Black, People of Colour (POC), and LGBTQIA2S+ who are similarly leading in the K-12 and post-secondary education system. v Lay Summary Indigenous women’s leadership is grounded in culture, traditions, language, and respect for family, communities, Nations, and ancestors. This research explores the lived experience and collective stories of Indigenous women’s experience of leading in decolonizing educational spaces and systems in the K-12 setting. vi Preface This work was approved by The University of British Columbia Behavioural Research Ethics Board, Certification number H18-00981-A007. This dissertation is original and independent work by the author, C. Desjarlais. vii Table of Contents ABSTRACT ............................................................................................................................................... iii LAY SUMMARY ......................................................................................................................................... v PREFACE .................................................................................................................................................. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS .............................................................................................................................. vii LIST OF TABLES ....................................................................................................................................... xv LIST OF FIGURES .................................................................................................................................... xvi GLOSSARY ............................................................................................................................................xvii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ......................................................................................................................... xix DEDICATION ........................................................................................................................................... xx PROLOGUE ............................................................................................................................................... 1 THE TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION POLE ............................................................................................................... 5 Reconciliation Through Carving: The Walacktun and James Harry Story .............................................. 7 Weaving Stories, Weaving Culture: The Story of the Thunderbird and Its Helper ................................. 8 THE LEGACY CARVING PROJECT AND THE TEACHINGS GIFTED ................................................................................... 9 Thunderbird ........................................................................................................................................... 9 Humility ................................................................................................................................................ 10 Coast Salish Eye ................................................................................................................................... 10 Truth .................................................................................................................................................... 10 Frog ...................................................................................................................................................... 11 Honesty ................................................................................................................................................ 11 Cedar Woven Blanket .......................................................................................................................... 11 Wisdom ................................................................................................................................................ 12 viii Buffalo Head ........................................................................................................................................ 12 Respect ................................................................................................................................................. 13 Eagle .................................................................................................................................................... 13 Mother Bear ......................................................................................................................................... 14 TEACHINGS SHARED ....................................................................................................................................... 14 TEACHINGS RECEIVED ..................................................................................................................................... 15 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................. 17 BACKGROUND ............................................................................................................................................... 17 LOCAL CONTEXT ............................................................................................................................................ 18 PURPOSE OF THE STUDY .................................................................................................................................. 22 SIGNIFICANCE OF THE STUDY ............................................................................................................................ 23 AN OVERVIEW OF CHAPTERS ........................................................................................................................... 24 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW ........................................................................................................... 27 PERSONAL NARRATIVE .................................................................................................................................... 27 LEADERSHIP AND ITS APPROACHES .................................................................................................................... 29 INDIGENOUS LEADERSHIP ................................................................................................................................ 33 Relevance ~ Seeing Ourselves in our Leadership .................................................................................. 33 Respect ................................................................................................................................................. 38 Responsibility ....................................................................................................................................... 41 Reciprocity and Gift-Giving .................................................................................................................. 42 GENDER, WOMEN, AND LEADERSHIP................................................................................................................. 43 Indigenous Women’s Leadership ......................................................................................................... 46 Matriarchy ........................................................................................................................................... 49 GAPS IN THE LITERATURE ................................................................................................................................ 51 SUMMARY.................................................................................................................................................... 51 ix CHAPTER 3: THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK ................................................................................................ 53 INDIGENOUS WHOLISTIC THEORY ..................................................................................................................... 53 NATONIKEWIN WÎHKASKWA ~ SEARCHING FOR SWEETGRASS ................................................................................. 54 Medicine Wheel ~ Wholism ~ Inner Fire .............................................................................................. 65 SURTHRIVANCE LEADERSHIP MODEL ................................................................................................................. 66 Sacred Journey Around the Circle ........................................................................................................ 66 Eastern Door ~ Just Be ~ Reclaiming .................................................................................................... 74 Southern Door ~ Believe ~ Refusing ..................................................................................................... 75 Western Door ~ Behave ~ Resisting ..................................................................................................... 76 Northern Door ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Resurging ............................................................................. 77 Centre ~ Inner Fire ~ iskotew ~ Survivance .......................................................................................... 77 CHAPTER 4: METHODOLOGY .................................................................................................................. 81 RE/SEARCHER’S STORY ................................................................................................................................... 81 DECOLONIZATION ~ RAISED CONSCIOUSNESS ~ MISKÂSOWIN ................................................................................. 82 ASSUMPTIONS .............................................................................................................................................. 85 RESEARCH DESIGN AND METHODS .................................................................................................................... 86 Sharing Circles ...................................................................................................................................... 87 Conversational Method ....................................................................................................................... 88 RESEARCH APPROACH TO ETHICS ...................................................................................................................... 90 PARTICIPANT PROFILE ..................................................................................................................................... 92 DATA COLLECTION ......................................................................................................................................... 94 TIMELINE OF SESSIONS ................................................................................................................................... 96 Sharing Circle 1: June 23, 2020 ............................................................................................................ 97 Sharing Circle 2: June 25, 2020 ............................................................................................................ 99 DATA ANALYSIS ........................................................................................................................................... 100 x LIMITATIONS OF STUDY ................................................................................................................................. 104 CHAPTER 5: THE STORIES (DATA) ~ EAGLE, BEAVER, AND BUFFALO ..................................................... 106 SPIRALLING IN ON THE STORIES OF SURVIVAL: GATHERING KNOWLEDGE ................................................................. 106 MEMORIES OF ISKWEW AND CONNECTION TO OUR MATRIARCHS AND CLAN MOTHERS ............................................ 109 SEVEN GRANDFATHER TEACHINGS: GIFTS WELL RECEIVED .................................................................................. 112 Eagle .................................................................................................................................................. 112 Beaver ................................................................................................................................................ 113 Buffalo................................................................................................................................................ 114 Turtle .................................................................................................................................................. 115 Wolf ................................................................................................................................................... 116 Bear .................................................................................................................................................... 116 Bigfoot ............................................................................................................................................... 117 KEEPING THE BALANCE ~ WHEEL IN MOTION .................................................................................................... 118 EAGLE ~ SHE TAUGHT ME LOVE ..................................................................................................................... 118 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making .................................................................................. 119 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety ....................................................... 122 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ......................................................................... 124 Physical ~ Behave ~ Loneliness .......................................................................................................... 126 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigating the Hierarchy ........................................................ 128 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Navigating the Hierarchy, Racism, Microaggressions, and Lack of Safety ................................................................................................ 129 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety ......... 132 BEAVER ~ SHE TAUGHT ME WISDOM.............................................................................................................. 133 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch ......................................................................................................... 135 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural teachings and Sole Leader in a System................................................. 137 xi Emotional ~ Believe ~ Loneliness ....................................................................................................... 140 Physical ~ Behave ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ............................................................................ 142 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigating the Hierarchy ........................................................ 144 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ........................... 147 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Racism and Microaggressions ............................. 148 BUFFALO ~ SHE TAUGHT ME RESPECT ............................................................................................................. 151 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making .................................................................................. 152 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings ............................................................................................. 154 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy, Racism, and Microaggressions ............................. 158 Physical ~ Behave ~ Sole Leader in a System and Loneliness ............................................................. 161 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Racism and Microaggressions ................................................. 164 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ........................... 165 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Rematriating Our Leadership .............................. 169 SUMMARY ANALYSIS: SURVIVING, SURTHRIVING, OR NOT ................................................................................... 172 CHAPTER 6: THE STORIES (DATA) ~ TURTLE AND WOLF ........................................................................ 175 TURTLE ~ SHE TAUGHT ME TRUTH ................................................................................................................. 175 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making .................................................................................. 176 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings ............................................................................................. 178 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy................................................................................ 181 Physical ~ Behave ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ............................................................................ 184 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Cultural Teachings and Loneliness .......................................... 186 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Lack of Safety ................................................... 189 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Cultural Teachings and Lack of Safety ................. 192 WOLF ~ SHE TAUGHT ME HUMILITY ............................................................................................................... 195 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch ......................................................................................................... 197 xii Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings ............................................................................................. 199 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Sole Leader in a System and Loneliness .......................................................... 203 Physical ~ Behave ~ Navigating the Hierarchy ................................................................................... 206 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Racism and Microaggressions ................................................. 209 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership ........................... 211 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Loneliness and Navigating the Hierarchy ............ 213 SUMMARY ANALYSIS: SURVIVING, SURTHRIVING, OR NOT ................................................................................... 216 CHAPTER 7: THE STORIES (DATA) ~ BEAR AND BIGFOOT ...................................................................... 218 BEAR ~ SHE TAUGHT ME COURAGE ................................................................................................................ 218 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch ......................................................................................................... 220 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings ............................................................................................. 223 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy................................................................................ 226 Physical ~ Behave ~ Racism, Microagressions and Loneliness ........................................................... 228 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Rematriating Our Leadership .................................................. 231 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Sole Leader in a System .................................... 232 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Rematriating Our Leadership .............................. 235 BIGFOOT ~ SHE TAUGHT ME HONESTY ............................................................................................................ 237 Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making .................................................................................. 239 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings ............................................................................................. 241 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Sole Leader in a System .................................................................................. 244 Physical ~ Behave ~ Navigating the Hierarchy ................................................................................... 246 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigatng the System and Sole Leader in a System................ 248 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety ...... 253 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Racism, Microaggressions, Lack of Safety and Rematriating Our Leadership ............................................................................................................. 256 xiii SUMMARY ANALYSIS: SURVIVING, SURTHRIVING, OR NOT ................................................................................... 260 CHAPTER 8: KNOWLEDGE GATHERED ................................................................................................... 262 INTRODUCTION ~ KEEPING THE FIRE LIT ........................................................................................................... 262 AN OVERVIEW OF THE KEY THEMES ................................................................................................................ 262 RETAINING INNER FIRE ~ SEVEN THEMES ......................................................................................................... 263 Nourishing the Fire ~ Cultural Teachings and Rematriation .............................................................. 264 Keeping the Balance ~ Navigating the Hierarchy and Being the Sole Leader in the System .............. 266 Extinguishing the Fire ~ Loneliness, Racism, Microaggressions, and Lack of Safety .......................... 267 Did Not Survive .................................................................................................................................. 269 Survived .............................................................................................................................................. 270 Surthrived ........................................................................................................................................... 270 Keeping the Balance .......................................................................................................................... 271 Transformation ~ Decolonization Continued ..................................................................................... 276 RECOMMENDATIONS .................................................................................................................................... 277 1. Create Psychologically and Wholistically Safe and Inclusive Spaces That Foster Well-Being ........ 277 2. Acknowledge and Implement Cultural and Spiritual Teachings in Leadership .............................. 278 3. Recruitment and Retention ............................................................................................................ 278 4. Provide Mentors and Mentorship .................................................................................................. 279 5. Diversify Leadership ....................................................................................................................... 280 6. Anti-Racism and Anti-Oppression Training .................................................................................... 280 7. Circle the Triangle .......................................................................................................................... 281 IMPLICATIONS AND FURTHER RESEARCH ........................................................................................................... 282 CONCLUSION .............................................................................................................................................. 283 EPILOGUE: FINAL WORDS FOR MY GIRLS—PAIGE AND KAYLYN ........................................................... 285 REFERENCES ......................................................................................................................................... 286 xiv APPENDIX A: SHARING CIRCLE PROTOCOLS AND QUESTIONS FOR PARTICIPANTS ............................... 298 SHARING CIRCLE PROTOCOLS ......................................................................................................................... 298 QUESTIONS FOR CIRCLE PARTICIPANTS ............................................................................................................. 299 Leadership Journey ............................................................................................................................ 299 Survivance in Leading ........................................................................................................................ 299 Self-Determination and Sovereignty in Leading ................................................................................. 299 APPENDIX B: PARTICIPATION LETTER ................................................................................................... 300 APPENDIX C: CONSENT FORM .............................................................................................................. 301 xv List of Tables Table 1 Respondents’ Self-Identification From BCPVPA Membership Surveys ......... 19 Table 2 Number of Administrative Positions in the Vancouver School Board ............. 21 Table 3 Minthorn and Chávez (2015) Model of Indigenous Leaders in Higher Education ........................................................................................................... 58 Table 4 Knowledge Holders By Their Symbolic Names, Positions, and Education Credentials ......................................................................................................... 94 Table 5 Sharing Circles: Dates, Participants, and Questions ......................................... 97 Table 6 Round 1 Coding (Alphabetical by Column) ................................................... 101 Table 7 Round 2 Coding (Grouped by Themes Within the Surthrivance Framework) ..................................................................................................... 102 Table 8 Round 3 Coding (Grouped by Three Major Themes) ..................................... 103 Table 9 Findings by Three Major Themes ................................................................... 263 xvi List of Figures Figure 1 niwāhkōmākanak—My Family ......................................................................... xx Figure 2 The Truth and Reconciliation Pole—Raised June 21, 2019 ............................... 8 Figure 3 Medicine Wheel A ............................................................................................ 60 Figure 4 Medicine Wheel B ............................................................................................. 61 Figure 5 Medicine Wheel C ............................................................................................. 62 Figure 6 Medicine Wheel D ............................................................................................ 63 Figure 7 Traditional Medicine Wheel .............................................................................. 64 Figure 8 Big Horne Medicine Wheel ............................................................................... 68 Figure 9 nêhiyaw Medicine Wheel .................................................................................. 60 Figure 10 Surthrivance Leadership Model ........................................................................ 71 Figure 11 Gathering Spiral .............................................................................................. 109 xvii Glossary nêhiyawêwin terms used in this dissertation are based on the Plains Cree y-dialect, which is spoken in much of Alberta, central Saskatchewan, and Manitoba. In the Standard Roman Orthography (SRO) no upper-case letters are used. acahk spirit/soul awasis child iskotêw fire iskwêw woman kâhte-ayak Elders miskâsowin go to the centre of yourself to find your own belonging miyo good miyopimâtisiwin the act of leading an exemplary life miyo-wîcêhtowin living in harmony together nêhiyaw a Cree person nikâwiy my mother nimosom my grandfather niwāhkōmākanak my family nohkom my grandmother nohtâwiy my father otêh heart Survive to continue to exist, and not to fail or be destroyed xviii Survivance “Native people’s power to refuse colonial scripts of erasure or victimization, and instead creatively confront, resist, decentre, disrupt, and transform those scripts in various ways, big and small” (Sabzalian, 2019, p. 4). Gerald Vizenor defines survivance as “an active sense of presence over absence, deracination, and oblivion; survivance is the continuance of stories, not a mere reaction …” (Vizenor, 2008, p. 1). Surthrivance Native people’s transcendence of survivance, moving beyond survival and resistance to exist wholistically as self-determined individuals who can be their sovereign self Surthrive to thrive despite going through a very trying time (definitions.net dictionary, 2022) wahkohtowin the act of being related to each other xix Acknowledgements I first wish to thank my family: my husband, Lee, and my two daughters, Paige and Kaylyn, who have been on this journey with me. They have had to sacrifice time and endure the emotional rollercoaster of this process—eight years of giving me time to do what I needed to do. Your love and support kept me going, even while I was in the deep depths of the loneliness of writing. To my mentor and good friend Jody Langlois, who listened patiently and gently encouraged me, when I was so unsure of myself and thought I would never come out on the other side intact and finish the work I started—thank you. To the Seven Sacred Sisters, I raise my hands in much respect and gratitude for teaching me Respect, Courage, Humility, Wisdom, Honesty, Truth, and Love. Your stories make up this dissertation and I value my relationships with you. I hope that I have upheld your stories in a good way and honoured your shared words. I am so grateful to learn and lead alongside seven amazing women who are making transformational change in the work they do. Lastly, thank you to my supervisor, Dr. Fei Wang, for believing in me and continuing to push me to the very end. Your guidance and support will never be forgotten. As well, thank you to Dr. Alison Taylor and Dr. Tracy Friedel for your support, feedback, and patience. To the Cohort 2015—“The Chickadees,” as we are known, thank you for your friendship and support over the years. My wish is that we all complete the process and be the symbol of success the chickadee is known as in Plains nêhiyaw culture. xx Dedication I thank my Nation, the Cold Lake First Nations, and my ancestors who walked alongside me in this journey, especially my nêhiyaw nohkom Marie Melanie Desjarlais, who taught me everything nêhiyaw, and my nohtawi Robert Edmund Desjarlais, who left the world too early. To Don Fiddler, my nêhiyaw-Michif mentor, work dad, and boss, thank you for always believing in me. To future Indigenous scholars you are never alone and your Indigenous brilliance is needed. Figure 1 niwāhkōmākanak—My Family 1 Prologue Living Leadership Who am I? As daughter, as mother, as writer. Inside or outside, in the … the new world. I look for light, for hope, my inner fire. Who are we? As women, as leaders, as a people? From the margins, the forgotten spaces We live, we speak, we exist! —Amanda Bolderston Who am I? I have come back to this poem many times—thinking about who I am, and how I live my leadership. My journey into leadership began the moment I came into the world. I have always known I was born a leader—one with a fighting spirit. The research focus of this dissertation is Indigenous women’s leadership and how we retain our “inner fire” in decolonizing educational systems. Who we are and where we come from is important because it is a guiding pathway for our leadership. This prologue situates my own understanding of Indigenous women’s leadership and lived experience as a district vice principal, principal, and director of instruction for Indigenous Education. It highlights my curiosity and reflection about leading as 2 the sole Indigenous leader at the senior level of leadership and signifies why the topic of research is relevant for me as a scholar, a researcher, and a leader. miskasowin Cosmos Infinite energy Emerging from stars My spirit a shooting star Flashing brightly across the sky Blazing a path of self-determination Blood memory and lineages rooted in prairie land Body sovereignty self-actualizing nêhiyaw/Michif iskwew tânisi kahkiyaw, nitisiyihkason Chas Desjarlais-Smith, I am a nêhiyaw-Michif iskwew. niya ochi Cold Lake, Alberta, and I am a citizen of that Nation. I am a Treaty 6 iskwew and have lived away from my traditional territory for most of my life. I am the daughter of Robert Edmund Desjarlais (nêhiyaw-Michif), who passed on to the spirit world when I was 16 years old, and Diane Lorraine Johnson, a settler of English, French, and Spanish ancestry who is still here. I am of multiple ancestries but identify as nêhiyaw-Michif. My traditional territories are the Plains or nêhiyanâhk (Cree territory) where I roamed and where my spirit ran free as an awasis (child). I spent much of life as a visitor to other Nations’ territories, as a child on Ktunaxa territory, and as an adult on unceded and traditional lands of xʷməθkʷəy̓əm|Musqueam, Sḵwxwú7mesh 3 Úxwumixw|Squamish & səlilwətaɬ |Tsleil-Waututh Nations. My paternal grandparents are the late Alexander Desjarlais, who was a Michif from Wolf Lake, and Marie “Melanie” Desjarlais (Jacknife), who was nêhiyaw of Bonnyville, Alberta. My Michif nimosom and nêhiyaw nohkum taught me how to live a miyopimâtisiw (good life), instilling nêhiyawiwin (Cree culture) during my awâsisîwiwin (childhood). I have been in search of my miskasowin—to find one’s true sense of self. As I have journeyed through my life in search of my purpose and truth, I have come to self-actualize my gifts given to me by my Creator: first, the ability to lead, and second, the ability to share my voice, my truth, which lies in the work that I do. The last seven years of being a formal leader—first as the district vice principal, then district principal, and now the director of instruction for Indigenous Education—has been the training ground for me to become the leader I need to be—one for the Indigenous community and one who surthrives in the system (see the definitions of survivance and surthrivance located in the Glossary on pp. xv–xvi). My work on the Vancouver School Board (VSB) Legacy Carving Project and the Reconciliation Pole that now stands in front of the district office is the story I wish to share in this Prologue. It situates the purpose of my work and research. It’s coming to be at the Vancouver School Board from its vision, to the dream, and then reality. A 40-foot log transforming into a Reconciliation Pole became the pathway for my leadership walk and helped me understand Indigenous leadership on a deeper level than previously experienced. The story of the Reconciliation Pole begins with a vision—not mine, and not mine to tell. What I can tell is that the vision was shared with me by my guide, mentor, and good friend early in February, 2018 with a tobacco offering, and shared her vision and knowledge with me. I accepted the tobacco, understanding I had a responsibility to the sacred agreement of accepting 4 the medicine. The sacred agreement was to honour the vision of bringing a Reconciliation Pole and Welcome Figures to the grounds of the VSB, and to create a legacy for the future seven generations of learners to come. At that time, I was not aware of just how much work that would entail, and the sheer effort needed to breathe life into the project. I was blessed that Davita shared her vision with me; it became my dream and ultimately a reality, with the support of Jody Langlois, our associate superintendent with the VSB. I remember the day I brought Davita’s vision to Jody in one of our weekly meetings in late February of 2018. I was very unsure of myself because she had only recently become my direct supervisor, so I prayed prior to the meeting for a good result. To my utter surprise, her response was, “Sure, why not!” and just like that the Vision~Dream~Reality journey began. The Reconciliation Pole and the process of its becoming is my story of reconciling a pathway of understanding of who I am, not only as an Indigenous woman leader, but also as a spiritual person. It was my training ground even though at the time I was not fully aware of that. I have come to learn what it means to walk gracefully as a leader, grounding my leadership values in the Seven Grandfather Teachings. These Teachings have been taught and shared with me by my mentor, guide, and Elder Davita Marsden, who is a Anishnaabe kwe and citizen of the Mississaugas of Scugog Island First Nation. I accepted the role of scabe (helper) in ceremony, and it is teaching me many lessons of what it means to serve the people as a nêhiyaw-Michif iskwew. My traditional name is coma knee-sue coma-whah bee-sue-whah, which from nêhiyawewin translates into English as “Helper of Thunderbirds.” I realize now, after being gifted that name in September of 2019 after the Poles had been raised, that I had come to earn my name. I supported my daughter in her coming-of-age ceremony the year prior and supported 5 my guide’s vision. With receiving the name, I know it comes with a great responsibility to carry it forward in a good way every day in the work I do. It is my job as a leader to lift the people first before I lift myself. I must continue to bring honour to that name every day. That name requires that I help lift and transform others who are also on their journeys. I know it has been a privilege to receive it. As a helper and a matriarch in the making, I am compelled to do this re/searching. Matriarchs are the backbones of their Indigenous Nations and communities. Likewise, educational matriarchs are the strength of their school communities and educational organizations. What does it mean to be an Indigenous woman leader who is currently working in a decolonizing education system? How is it impacting not only my own leadership walk, but also the leadership of others? Currently, my experience as a leader is one of many tensions and challenges in navigating the liminal space of leadership. I am lifting other voices and lived experiences not only in my role as a re/searcher in the academy, but as an educator, leader, Indigenous auntie, matriarch in the making, and a helper. Service to Indigenous students, families, and communities is my purpose. The Truth and Reconciliation Pole The Reconciliation Pole and its coming to be, transforming from a raw log into a beautifully carved sculpture, taught me what Indigenous leadership entails. Indigenous leaders must lead with a vision to uphold and affirm Indigenous children’s educational self-determination and their Nation’s sovereign pathways. Helping to lead the project from its inception to its completion helped to keep my “inner fire” lit and gave me the strength to continue to search for my own “miskasowin.” 6 Walacktun (Rick Harry) and his son James Harry of the Squamish Nation were commissioned to carve the Truth and Reconciliation Pole by the VSB in December of 2018, based on their combined vision of reconciliation. Walacktun is a master carver, while his son is becoming a well-known and established carver. Their respective works are locally, nationally, and internationally celebrated. Their vision, and the reason for carving the Truth and Reconciliation Pole, was to bring humanity together as one. This purpose is shared below through their Squamish teachings. At the time of the Legacy project, I was still in my first year of administration experience as the district vice principal of Indigenous Education, and the reason I am including the story of the Truth and Reconciliation Pole is because it provided me with a pathway for my leadership at a time when I was very unsure of myself as a leader and Indigenous woman. Additionally, I believe this story and my connection to this work is a strong illustration of Indigenous leadership embodied, and the beauty that emerges when one is in service to others and includes culture, cultural teachings, stories, and relational kinship as part of one’s leadership pathway. Walacktun and James spent four months carving the figure on the front lawn of the VSB, from February 2019 to the end of May 2019. They became like family for me, and I would visit them every day to witness the progress of their work. The time spent with them both grounded me and provided me with a sense of belonging at a time when I felt the most alone in my leadership journey. The Truth and Reconciliation Pole became a safe home, a relative, and a place to reconcile my own understanding of what it meant to be an Indigenous woman leader in a decolonizing education system. 7 Reconciliation Through Carving: The Walacktun and James Harry Story I will share the story of Walacktun and his son James Harry, their work on the Reconciliation Pole, and its impact on the Vancouver School Board (VSB) community. Quoting the words of Walacktun: This Truth and Reconciliation Pole, which we may now call a totem pole, is a 44-foot-tall red cedar from upper Squamish, estimated to be at least 350 years old. The Pole was carved together with my son, James Harry. I carved the top half, and my son carved the bottom. We met together in the middle, which we worked on together (R. Harry [Walacktun], personal communication, May 2019). The Truth and Reconciliation Pole and the two Welcome Figures are shown in Figure 2, on page 8. The symbols on the Pole are displayed as follows, from top to bottom: • Thunderbird & Mother Earth: represents the Creator (the Great Spirit) protecting Mother Earth • Coast Salish Eye: represents the Creator watching over us • Frog: represents the communicator passing down traditions to future generations • Cedar woven blanket: represents interweaving all cultures together • Buffalo1 head: represents all First Nations Peoples • Eagle: represents vision, wisdom, and power 1 The use of “buffalo” vs. “bison” is a matter of consistency and upholding the artist’s vision and words. The term “bison” is now considered to be a more appropriate term because bison are Indigenous to North America and parts of Europe. However, “buffalo” will be used throughout this dissertation. 8 • Bear & Ancestor: represents strength and remembering our history Figure 2 The Truth and Reconciliation Pole—Raised June 21, 2019 Note: This web page was reproduced with permission from Vancouver School Board Communications Department. Weaving Stories, Weaving Culture: The Story of the Thunderbird and Its Helper I share Walacktun and James’s story of the Truth and Reconciliation Pole and what each figure means within their Squamish teachings. I weave in my own understanding of the teachings I have received from the carvers. It speaks to my leadership journey at the time, and how the Legacy project helped me to decolonize my own leadership and provided me with an opportunity 9 to embody the Seven Grandfather Teachings that have influenced my wholistic development as an Indigenous woman leader. The Legacy Carving Project and the Teachings Gifted In the following section, I will share the words of the carver and his teachings of the figures, starting at the top of the Pole and making my way to the bottom. I weave my own reflections (shown in italicized text) into the teachings gifted and taught to me, and share implications for my own leadership praxis at that time, starting in January, 2019 to the completion in June, 2019. The headings of the teachings refer to the Seven Grandfather Teachings which come from the Anishnaabe People: humility, truth, honesty, wisdom, respect, love, and courage. The ability to learn and engage in culture and cultural teachings while leading as an Indigenous woman leader was crucial to my surthrivance as a leader. It kept my inner fire lit. Thunderbird The first idea that came to mind was that the Creator (the Great Spirit), represented through the Thunderbird, is on the top, coming down fast. It is leaning and diving quickly with its wings folded behind it. The wings transform into hands, and they hold on to Mother Earth, which is being guarded from harm. During the process, the Earth carving actually got a crack in the cedar. I believe it is the Creator showing us what is happening to the world. The Creator is coming down fast to send us a message that we need to do something immediately to make changes. The Creator is telling us 10 that we all need to come together to make positive change in the world so we can move forward as human beings. Humility A thunderbird came to me and provided me with a gift—a “vision” and pathway forward to experience and live my leadership these last three years. The gift of leading from my true being as a nêhiyaw-Michif iskwew. Thunderbird brought to me one of the Seven Grandfather Teachings—humility—which allowed me to put the Teachings into practice through the creation of the VSB Legacy Carving Project. Coast Salish Eye Below the Thunderbird is the Coast Salish Eye, which is represented by a circle with crescent shapes on either side. This eye is to remind us that we are always being watched by the Creator, the ancestors, the community, our family, our friends, and ourselves. Being watched by oneself is important because it is your conscience, and that leads us in understanding that we all have a part in this responsibility—what is to be true, what is real. Truth The Thunderbird’s vision, my traditional name, and the Coast Salish Eye remind me every day of my responsibility for the gifts I have received—I have a responsibility to my work organization, but most importantly, the Host Nations and urban Indigenous community I am privileged to serve. Self-awareness and constant reflection on how one embodies truth in one’s actions and the words one speaks in leading are crucial in maintaining the Seven Grandfather 11 Teachings. One’s work is for the betterment of all and not just the self. I must always be willing to surrender to my Creator in all I do, for I am always being watched to stay on my path and walk in my truth. Frog Below the Eye is a Frog. This is the communicator and the transformer, the translator. It is coming down to remind us of our ancient ways and to transfer the knowledge to future generations. In our culture we always had to look back seven generations from ourselves. We are reminded that as we move forward in our lives, others behind us will have something, too. What we have, they should have too. Honesty Just as the frog is a communicator and transformer, my position has required me to learn more of the cultural ways of my own people. How do I communicate as a nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew? This requires putting time aside to learn the cultural teachings, which requires honesty, time, and commitment on my part. I must reach back to receive those teachings, so I carry them forward in a good way for future generations. I have a responsibility to leave behind what I am learning for the next seven generations to come after me. Cedar Woven Blanket As we move down the Pole, I collaborated with my son James to design a cedar woven blanket, like a sash, covering the heart area. In my culture, a person who wears the blanket over the heart means they are conducting a sacred ceremony for the family. In this case, we are 12 working for the Vancouver School Board, but we are also working for the generations that aren’t here yet; there is lots of work to be done around Truth and Reconciliation. The interweaving of the blanket represents all the cultures that are woven together. A weaving pattern is something universal between all cultures of the world—weaving culture; weaving spirit. It represents the interconnectedness of all things; that we, nature, and Mother Earth are not separate, but part of a larger whole. We all have to become one strength, one spirit, one mind, one body. Intermingling with one another will assist in creating dialogue to come together and think as one and move forward as one. This also came through in our engagement with the students and the public during the carving process. We were open and willing to share our knowledge and culture to bridge the gap, to educate, and to show how we can all connect. Wisdom Weaving cultures and weaving Spirit has provided me with wisdom on this lonely journey which marked my beginning. I have gathered strength from this process, which was gifted to me, to see my woven experience of leading with spirit, mind, and body. Since my arrival in administration, I have been weaving relationships for the betterment of the urban Indigenous community I serve. This weaving has allowed me to endure and to thrive in a space where I did not initially feel like I belonged or was even seen for who I am. Buffalo Head Below the blanket is a Buffalo Head. Traditionally, Coast Salish People do not carve buffalos on totem poles. However, we carved a buffalo this time to represent other First Nations Peoples, who consider the Buffalo as their sacred animal that is closely connected to the Creator. 13 The Buffalo is sacred to those who live across the Rocky Mountains and along the plains and further east and down on the American side. While the Buffalo has a place on our Pole for those Nations, we actually wish to honour all First Nations Peoples, since they all lived on the lands before any other person voyaged here. Respect The Buffalo honours all First Nations Peoples, and the work I do is for all First Nations, Métis, and Inuit learners. I have a responsibility as a leader to ensure all Indigenous learners are honoured in their education and able to self-actualize their own pathways of who they are and where they hope to head in their life journey. Eagle Below the Buffalo is an Eagle, which symbolizes vision, wisdom, power, and love. Vision because the Eagle can soar highest in the sky. Our ancestors said that the Eagle could communicate with the Creator. Love Eagle has shown me that leadership work requires love to enact vision and wisdom. The Legacy Carving Project required all three to ensure that the process was a success. Persuading those who had power and positional influence within the VSB organization was integral in bringing the vision to life. The process of the project required wisdom on behalf of those doing the heavy lifting. Many prayers, a belief in the vision on my part, and the ability to enact wisdom were required in order to see the Pole and Welcome Figures raised and unveiled on June 21, 14 2019. The collective, collaborative, and community approach honoured all who helped to lift it and those who participated in the 16-month process. Mother Bear On the bottom of the Pole is an ancestor being held by a Mother Bear. This represents all the ancestors before us in a symbolic way that refers to the past. The Bear symbolizes strength, and she is at the bottom because she is holding up the rest of the Pole. Our strength lies in our history, and that is also why she is at the bottom. The Bear protects her young as an instinct to bring them into the future, to a strong and healthy life. Many of our Indigenous youth need this strength to move into the future. Understanding where you come from and how that impacts your life is important to understanding place, identity, and how you can affect the future. Courage As a matriarch and Clan Mother in training, I am continually transforming to become that mother bear who is responsible for protecting all of her cubs (meaning her students and their families). Living miyo-pimatisowin (good life) as a nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew is a deeply personal journey of dedication and commitment to self-growth. It is a responsibility to role model that for the young people and community I serve. I have the humility to know and understand there is still so much work ahead; however, I am committed, as it will be the for the betterment of the youth yet to come. Teachings Shared The teachings shared by master carver Walacktun and his son James Harry come from the Sḵwxwú7mesh Úxwumixw (Squamish Nation). Many of the teachings shared through 15 cultural teachings, stories, and lived experience as seen in the Legacy Carving Project are commonly shared by Indigenous Peoples and Indigenous leaders. I have come to interpret and understand what they mean for me personally and professionally as a nêhiyaw-Michif iskwew as well as their relevance to my leadership. The teachings are related and interpreted differently by those who have been gifted them. What does remain constant is that the teachings and their impact on Indigenous leadership are both wholistic and embodied. This is reflected in the words of the research scholars and knowledge holders discussed in this dissertation. Teachings Received The teachings that I received during the process of the Legacy Carving Project helped me to realize that culture, cultural teachings, and embracing wholistic well-being as part of my leadership was integral to my own survival as an Indigenous woman leading as “the only one” within the educational system where I worked. This made me curious to know how other Indigenous women experience their leadership pathway and how they embrace wholistic leadership for their own survival in their respective urban districts. How do they maintain their own “inner fire” as “the only one” or one of a very few in the districts they work in? The Seven Grandfather Teachings have been shared with me by my good friend, mentor, guide and Elder Davita Marsden, who is Anishnaabe kwe on her mother’s side and non-Indigenous on her father’s side. The teachings originate with the Anishinaabeg People whose traditional territories are concentrated around the Great Lakes in Canada and into the United States. I have come to learn these teachings from my guide and embody them in my leadership praxis, and I am also curious as to how Indigenous women leaders embody such values. Additionally, I am grateful to have travelled to Ontario in May of 2022 to witness both a Sunrise 16 Ceremony and Water Ceremony with the Elders and community members of the Mississaugas of Sucgog Island First Nation (MSIFN). I witnessed, as an invited guest, the Seven Grandfather Teachings shared by the Elders and community members who embodied them throughout the duration of the two ceremonies. These teachings have been both instructional and foundational for my leadership praxis. As an Indigenous woman leading in a decolonizing educational system, I need to be aware of how my words and actions support decolonizing the spaces I enter and occupy as a leader. Decolonizing leadership within education helps to transform the learning spaces which Indigenous learners occupy. 17 Chapter 1: Introduction Background Can I Be Me? In a system that does not see Me nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew Cold Lake First Nations Treaty 6 Do you see me? Proud, Strong Navigating multiple worlds Tired, struggling, lonely Voiceless at times Will you ever see me? I pondered this poem and words I wrote several years ago. “Living Leadership”—what does that mean and how does an Indigenous woman do this within decolonizing educational structures? How can we live miyo pimatasiwin (a good life) and keep our fire lit in organizational systems that hardly see us for who we are and where we come from? Indigenous women leaders struggle to survive in systems that determine their leadership style. The struggle to exist and do good work in decolonizing education systems that centre both Western leadership styles and 18 values is evident in the two poems—the one on page 1 written by a friend, Amanda Bolderston, and the one above, written by me. How do we ensure we can walk forward in a good way, living leadership, speaking, and existing on our own terms? Local Context As an early educational administrator working in a large urban school district with very few Indigenous leaders within the system, I have often felt both lonely and lost for extended periods of time, especially when I first started. The VSB does not keep race-based data on the hire of administrative leaders at any levels from school-based administrators to senior management positions. The British Columbia Principals’ and Vice Principals’ Association (BCPVPA) has only as of 2016 and 2019 asked whether members identified as Indigenous, through a membership survey. The director of finance provided me with the membership numbers of principals and vice principals in response to my email request: • July 1, 2015, to June 30, 2016 – average membership 2182 • July 1, 2018, to June 30, 2019 – average membership 2519 The above data represents the total membership of administrative leaders in British Columbia school districts for the years 2016 and 2019. In the British Columbia Principals’ and Vice Principals’ Association: 2019 Membership Survey, members of the BCPVPA in 2019 were given the same survey questions as members had been given in 2016. The results of those surveys come from the Membership Survey Report (Directions Evidence and Policy Research Group, LLP, 2019) and are shown in Table 1, below. 19 Table 1 Respondents’ Self-Identification From BCPVPA Membership Surveys: (Do you self-identify as First Nations, Métis, or Inuit?) First Nations, Métis or Inuit Self-Indentification Number of Respondents Percentages 2013 2016 2019 2013 2016 2019 Yes Not asked 51 81 Not asked 4.5% 6.1% No Not asked 1071 1257 Not asked 95.5% 93.9% Total responses 1122 1338 100% 100% Note: This table was adapted from the Membership Survey Report cited above (p. 10). This data above represents the membership of administrators from across 60 school districts. The percentage of administrators self-identifying as First Nations, Métis, or Inuit has increased slightly from 4.5% to 6.1%. While it is encouraging to see the increase in the percentage of those self-identifying as First Nations, Métis, or Inuit, the data does not provide enough information to get a good understanding of what level of administration they are leading at, their gender division, or a breakdown into the three categories of those self-identifying as Indigenous. Also, the respondent participation rate for 2016 was only 51%, and for 2019 it was slightly higher at 53%. The participants who responded by self-identifying as First Nations, Métis, or Inuit make up a very small percentage of the total respondents to both the 2016 and 2019 surveys. I was hired as an administrator in the spring of 2017 as the district vice principal of Indigenous Education. I was mentored by my former boss, Don Fiddler, who is Métis, for three months until his retirement in June of 2017. At that time, I knew of only one other female Indigenous administrator, who worked in the district as a vice principal at a secondary school. 20 When Don retired in June of 2017, I lost the real mentorship I needed until he ensured I was mentored by Jody Langlois, associate superintendent of learning services with the VSB. Don advocated for me, even after his retirement, to ensure I had a mentor who would help me further develop my leadership skills. I am grateful for both his leadership and the mentorship he provided for me. In a district of 50,000 students, 9,000 staff and 110 schools, in April of 2017 there were only three administrators who self-identified as Indigenous (one district principal and two vice principals). The Indigenous student population in 2017–2018 was 2,150 students. The school district does not keep race-based data on students and can only access the Indigenous student population through the self-identification for the 1701 process.2 The Indigenous student population over the last five years, starting with the 2017–2018 school year, was taken from the Aboriginal Report: How Are We Doing? 2021/2022 (Ministry of Education and Child Care, 2023) and is as follows: • 2017–2018: 2,150 students • 2018–2019: 2,167 • 2019–2020: 2,145 • 2020–2021: 2,167 • 2021–2022: 2,222 2 The information collected on Form 1701 Reference Guide (Government of British Columbia, 2023) is used in the calculation of Full Time Equivalent (FTE) students for public schools. The FTE values are then used to determine funding levels based on school type. 21 The director of human resources provided me with the data regarding the number of principals and vice principals as of April 30, 2017, and July 27, 2021. This data is included in Table 2, below. Table 2 Number of Administrative Positions in the Vancouver School Board Job Titles Headcount April 30, 2017 Headcount July 27, 2021 IE Principal 1 1 IE Vice Principal 2 1 Elementary Principal 77 76 Elementary Vice Principal 45 50 Elem District Vice Principal 1 Secondary Principal 22 19 Secondary Vice Principal 36 36 Sec District Principal 7 Sec Dist Principal Field Serv 1 Vice Princ-Student School Serv 2 1 Vice Princ-Student Info System 1 Dist Princ-Learning & InfoTech 3 1 District Vice Principal 1 Grand Total 190 194 Note: This table was reproduced with the permission of the Vancouver School Board. They were not able to provide a breakdown of administrators by ethnic or racial background as they do not collect that data, but based on my own knowledge of administrators in this system who I know, at the time of writing there were five Indigenous principals in administrative roles: one 22 district principal of Indigenous Education, one district vice principal of Indigenous Education, one Indigenous secondary vice principal, one Indigenous elementary vice principal, and one secondary principal in the waiting pool (four females and one male). The data from 2017 shows that Indigenous administrators made up 0.02% of the total administrative positions, while in 2021 that percentage increased marginally to 0.03%. Indigenous administrators were underrepresented and marginalized numerically within the administrative ranks then, and are still marginalized now. This lack of representation of Indigenous leaders contributed to my sense of loneliness, alienation, and lack of belonging. Initially, I struggled to find anyone I could trust and connect with, as I did not see anyone like me reflected in the leadership ranks. As well, being an Indigenous woman leading within an educational system where patriarchy and Western leadership ideals are the norm contributed to a further sense of disconnection and disorientation. During the early days of my work, I was curious to learn about the lived experiences of other Indigenous women leading across BC, and to find out whether or not they felt the same way I did. Thus, the following research questions guide my inquiry: “How do Indigenous women leaders leading within large urban educational organizations retain their ‘inner fire’?” What is their lived experience leading in decolonizing education systems? How do they experience racism, sexism, and colonialism within the organizations they work in? Are they surviving, surthriving, or not? Purpose of the Study The objective of this research is about making Indigenous women’s leadership in decolonizing K-12 educational systems visible and acknowledging the many gifts they currently 23 bring to leadership. Leading in decolonizing systems such as education has and continues to take a toll on Indigenous women’s wholistic development as leaders—spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. The system can and will devour one’s spirit if one is not properly prepared to protect oneself and learn how to navigate for survival. This study aimed to unearth Indigenous women’s lived experiences, stories, and counter-narratives, past and current, about their leadership in decolonizing educational systems not built for them or for their success. How do their leadership experiences impact Indigenous women wholistically—spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually? It is my hope that this research reveals not only Indigenous women’s lived experience leading in decolonizing education systems, but how they lead and how they survive and/or surthrive, or not, which determines whether they remain in the system or not. The Knowledge Holders have to navigate multiple worlds all at once as Indigenous leaders, spiralling in and out of their leadership pathway within the liminal space. This process is not a linear one, as experiencing any of these states is dependent on the leader’s wholistic development, healing, and the context within which they lead. The narratives to be shared in this research project will highlight the sacrifices and struggles these women made to stay in the system, in search of belonging. The Knowledge Holders’ stories shared in this dissertation will call to attention their struggles to keep their inner fires lit and the impacts these struggles had on their wholistic well-being while leading in a decolonizing education system. Significance of the Study The existing scholarly research on Indigenous women’s leadership in education (Fitzgerald, 2010; Gambrell, 2016; Minthorn & Shotton, 2018; Robinson et al.; 2020; Shotton & 24 Minthorn, 2020) is emerging and still limited to the post-secondary context. Indigenous women’s urban experience leading at the K-12 level is noticeably absent from leadership scholarship as their voices, counter-narratives, lived experiences, and struggles continue to be erased from research accounts. However, the educational leadership experience of Indigenous women’s survivance and thrivance in the K-12 educational system needs to be more visible and heard within the scholarship. For this reason, I decided this needed to be the focus of my work. It is my wish to lift Indigenous women’s voices and their experiences from the margins of educational leadership, on their own terms and through their own stories, with an approach that focuses on Indigenous wholism. Ultimately, this work will help fill a gap in the research, because to date there is little understanding of Indigenous women’s leadership experience in the K-12 system. There is little in the literature about these women’s survivance, thrivance, or counter-narratives in educational organizations. It is not until such counter-narratives are heard and shared broadly across the education system that transformation has the potential to take place. Such a transformation will mean Indigenous women leaders feel they truly belong and are well supported in the systems they work in. A shift cannot occur until everyone is seen, and their gifts acknowledged for the contributions they can make and continue to make. An Overview of Chapters This dissertation is organized into eight chapters. A brief overview of each chapter is presented below. Chapter 1 I have situated the research by providing a story of my leadership journey and positionality. As an urban Indigenous leader and researcher, there is a need for further research 25 on urban Indigenous leadership within educational systems, because much of the current research primarily speaks to Indigenous leaders in post-secondary educational institutions. There is emerging research on what Indigenous leadership is and how Indigenous leaders lead. However, there is a need for further research about how Indigenous women leaders survive, surthrive, or do not survive in decolonizing education systems. Chapter 2 The literature review in Chapter 2 examines Indigenous leadership from both Indigenous and non-Indigenous scholars. Additionally, Western forms of leadership are reviewed to show where there is common terrain in leadership theory. Chapter 3 This chapter reviews the theoretical framework of the Surthrivance leadership model, which is an adaptation of the traditional and nêhiyawak medicine wheels. The principles of the model and the medicine wheel are related to the work of the women interviewed. The model examines and articulates how they have been guided by applying these principles to their leadership practice in their professional and personal lives. Chapter 4 This chapter outlines the methodology used in this dissertation. This qualitative research project utilized both the Conversational Method and Sharing Circles to collect data. Seven Indigenous women leaders from across British Columbia shared their experience of leading in decolonizing educational systems. The research process was grounded in the four “Rs” of Indigenous philosophy: Respect, Relevance, Reciprocity, and Responsibility (Kirkness & Barnhardt, 1991). Additionally, there is a fifth “R,” being Relationships, which is integral to the 26 relationality that allowed this research to proceed. The data collected was analyzed using thematic analysis. Several major themes emerged from this process. Chapters 5, 6, and 7 The findings (data stories) are told using the theoretical framework as a pathway for the lived experiences leading in decolonizing educational systems to unfold. Additionally, the spiral design shares the research relationship between the Knowledge Seeker (researcher) and Knowledge Holders. The Knowledge Seeker enters the spiral to gather knowledge on their research journey and exits the spiral to share what has been learned. Chapter 8 This chapter provides a synthesis of the major findings from the research project as well as recommendations to school districts and personnel about how to retain and recruit Indigenous women leaders within decolonizing education systems. The findings from this research project will expand on the currently limited research on Indigenous women’s from different Indigenous Nations and worldviews. The focus of the research was to examine how Indigenous women leaders surthrive in colonial and patriarchal leadership systems. Further research within this field of study could include a larger participant cohort and a global perspective. 27 Chapter 2: Literature Review This chapter will focus on current leadership approaches, Indigenous leadership, and how the two approaches intersect and share common terrain. The review opens with a personal narrative on a leadership approach and is then followed by highlights of current research. Personal Narrative Within the organization where I currently work, the Vancouver Board of Education, the leadership framework being used is Distributed leadership. Prior to becoming the district vice principal of Aboriginal Education, when I was the Aboriginal Education consultant interviewing for the position of vice principal, I followed my own understanding of what leadership entailed. During my interview for the position of vice principal, I was asked how I viewed leadership, and this was my response: I laid down some tobacco and asked the Creator for protection and guidance. I entered the room again, more confidently than the first time. I knew what to expect. Many questions followed from the committee, but one stuck with me: “What leadership style do you follow?” I did not hesitate to tell my tapwe (truth) and spoke from my heart. I responded by saying, “I follow the Seven Grandfather Teachings: Courage, Humility, Respect, Wisdom, Love, Honesty, and Truth. These guide my leadership.” Silence and blank stares ensued … epistemic ignorance at its best. The interviewing committee at that time was not prepared for my answer and had no comment afterwards. They had no frame of reference to understand that who I was and what my 28 cultural values were greatly influenced how I led. The silence and blank stares—no words were spoken—demonstrated their myopic understanding of leadership. Distributed leadership as defined by the British Columbia Principals’ and Vice Principals’ Association (BCPVPA) is as follows: Distributed Leadership concentrates on engaging expertise wherever it exists within the organization rather than seeking this only through formal position or role. The distributed perspective focuses on how leadership practice is distributed among formal and informal leaders. Distributed leadership is an emergent property of a group or network of individuals in which group members pool their expertise. In this sense, distributed leadership is a form of collective agency incorporating the activities of many individuals in a school who work at mobilizing and guiding others (BCPVPA, 2015, p. 32).3 While I understood that a Distributed leadership model was being used, and I was expected to speak to it, I deliberately chose not to when questioned directly. My understanding of leadership is directly connected to my nêhiyaw-Michif worldview, values, and ethics. Leaders, regardless of their background, “voice and reflect cultural values, such as spirituality” (Ottmann, 2002, p. 17). My own voice and cultural values were evident in the personal narrative above. Spirituality plays a significant role in how I enact leadership. Living and leading cannot be separated from one another; especially when speaking of Indigenous leadership. Every new principal and vice principal who is a member of BCPVPA is expected to follow the Leadership Standards for Principals and Vice Principals, which was developed by the 3 This source is no longer available on the BCPVPA website, but I was able to access the quote from a saved pdf copy of the 2015 Leadership Standards. 29 BCPVPA Standards Committee in 2013. The document outlines the purpose, leadership standards framework, standard format, relationship between principals/vice principals and management, and a self-assessment tool. The bulk of the document focuses on the leadership standards, which are broken into four domains: Moral Stewardship, Instructional Leadership, Relational Leadership, and Organizational Leadership. I find it problematic that a district chooses its leadership practices for its leaders and has outlined it extensively in a document that is 48 pages in length. Additionally, I feel there was no alternative understanding of leadership at the time, or space given to discuss and explore my own understanding of leadership according to my nêhiyaw worldview and spiritual beliefs. Leadership and Its Approaches The evolution of leadership theories and approaches is both complex and extremely diverse “as there is no particular style of leadership that can be considered universal” (Amanchukwu et al., 2015, p. 6). Those researching the current landscape of leadership have found it challenging to craft one definition. Indigenous scholars face similar challenges in that there is no one single definition of leadership, even though leadership has been studied for well over a hundred years. For the sake of this section, I will speak only to Trait, Behaviour, Distributed, Transformational, and Servant leadership. To include more would overwhelm this chapter, and the approaches listed above are the ones most aligned with values found in Indigenous leadership. Since the 1980s onwards, the theorizing of the landscape of leadership by scholars (Amanchukwu et al., 2015; Bolden et al., 2003; Kenny & Fraser, 2012) has shifted greatly, redirecting the research to “reconsider the role of followers and the contextual nature of 30 leadership” (Bolden et al., 2003, p. 6). Trait theory “assumes that people inherit certain qualities or traits that make them better suited to leadership,” whereas behaviour theory is “based on a belief that great leaders are made, not born” (Amanchukwu et al., 2015, p. 8). Trait and behaviour theories of leadership are leader-centric and primarily tend to “focus upon the characteristics and behaviours of successful leaders” (Bolden et al., 2003, p. 6). These theories are well established, but problematic in relation to how Indigenous Peoples think about leadership because the theories are “based on highly individualistic notions of leadership” (Kenny & Fraser, 2012, p. 9). These types of leadership glorify the individual and give responsibility to one person, which goes against Indigenous leaders’ understanding of the importance of communities and the leader’s role within them. Traditional forms of leadership rely on hierarchy and patriarchy while Indigenous leaders will cultivate influence within a community and not use power as a transactional tool to control those who they are responsible to. Indigenous leaders often see themselves as helpers and in service to other people, communities, and Nations. Helpers are those who assist in ceremonies, and Indigenous leaders who participate within ceremony learn the skills necessary to bring that understanding to their leadership. Trait and behavioural theories of leadership share a common understanding of how significant qualities, values, and actions are foundational for leaders who implement them within their work. The focus on values and being action oriented are both elements that align well with Indigenous leadership. However, these traditional Western leadership pathways diverge from Indigenous leadership in that their focus is on the actions of one individual leader as opposed to the collective agency that underpins Indigenous leadership. Newer theories on leadership such as Distributed, Transformational, and Servant theories (Anderson, 2017; Berkovich, 2016; Bolden, 31 2011; Daniëls et al., 2019; Kumar, 2018; Lumby, 2019; Shava & Tlou, 2018; & Woods, 2016) focus on the collective and social processes. Common terrain can be found between these three theories of leadership and Indigenous leadership. Distributed leadership has continued to be very prominent since its emergence in the early 1980s and beyond, being “the most promoted form of leadership practice in the first decades of the twenty-first century” (Lumby, 2019, p. 10), as it implements “the role of leadership at multiple levels, both formal and informal, and the need for collaborative networks to engage within complex systems” (Lumby, 2019, p. 10). Like Distributed leadership, Transformational leadership “arose in the 80’s and emphasizes that leaders should motivate followers to work towards transcended goals and towards achievement and self-actualisation” (Daniëls et al., 2019, p. 114). Additionally, this leadership practice is viewed as being collaborative as it is founded on “a shared leadership model and aims to create change through bottom-up actions” (Daniëls et al., 2019, p. 114). Lastly, Servant leadership, like Distributed and Transformational leadership, emerged in the 1980s. This theory of leadership and its approach “places a leader as a servant who … has a deep desire to serve others” (Sawan, 2020, p. 61). Leaders who have taken up Servant leadership as a practice embody the following attributes: “[L]istening, empathy, healing, awareness, persuasion, conceptualization, foresight, stewardship, commitment to focus on the growth people, and community building” (p. 61). Of the three theories, Servant leadership shares the most common terrain with Indigenous leadership, as leaders are in service to the betterment of their communities, putting the needs of others before their own. Also, many of the attributes that Servant leaders embody in their leadership are shared with Indigenous leadership, especially empathy, healing, and stewardship. 32 Glaringly absent from the articles reviewed for this section on leadership is any mention of Indigenous leadership. The articles written by the aforementioned researchers make no mention of Indigenous leadership as either a theory or an approach to leadership. Indigenous leadership has only recently emerged in scholarly writing. The common terrain of leadership theory is hard to envision when Indigenous leadership is not found on the pages of non-Indigenous leadership literature. The articles by Anderson (2017), Berkovich (2016), Bolden (2011), Daniëls et al. (2019), Shava and Tlou (2018), and Woods (2016) show promise in highlighting some commonalities that both Distributed and Transformational leadership share with Indigenous leadership: all are collaborative in nature. The creation of collaborative working networks in which the hierarchy is diffused through leadership practice is in alignment with Indigenous leadership. The articles on Servant leadership by Eva et al. (2019), Kumar (2018), and Sawan (2020) are the most promising, aligning strongly with Indigenous leadership, as they describe Servant leaders to be “people centric, relational, flexible and ethical … [who embody] integrity, altruism, humility, empathy & healing, personal growth, fairness & justice and empowerment” (Kumar, 2018, p. 44). How much common terrain can still be found and shared between Indigenous leadership and non-Indigenous leadership? This question remains to be answered in the literature. Indigenous Peoples across Turtle Island (North and South America) since time immemorial have had their own understanding of what leadership means and how leaders lead. Indigenous Peoples’ leadership is distinct from dominant forms of leadership, in that Indigenous leaders “live” their leadership (Kenny & Fraser, 2012). In “living” leadership, there is no one way to live it, as Indigenous Peoples on Turtle Island differ in their connections to place and time, which shapes their worldviews, epistemologies, and ontologies. 33 The purpose of this literature review is not to give a definitive answer to the meaning of what Indigenous leadership is and how Indigenous people lead, but rather to give readers a fuller understanding of what it means to “live” Indigenous leadership. Additionally, I will not refer to Indigenous scholars or leaders by their colonial nationalities, but rather by their Indigenous Nations, as it respectfully identifies who they are and where they come from, connecting them to the lands of their ancestors. Decolonization and the right to self-determination and sovereignty in relation to leading is a struggle that some Indigenous Peoples still endure. This view is supported by the work of Warner and Grint (2006), who state that it is problematic to reduce leadership to a “national” culture as stated in much of the mainstream literature on leadership. Indigenous Leadership I will use the four R’s of Indigenous Philosophy: Respect, Relevance, Reciprocity, and Responsibility (Kirkness & Barnhardt, 1991) to frame Indigenous leadership and to organize the remaining literature review. The four R’s of Indigenous Philosophy has been widely accepted and used across many disciplines in Indigenous research. As well, it is culturally appropriate to use as many Nations have adopted the teachings and actively live the four R’s of Indigenous Philosophy. Relevance ~ Seeing Ourselves in our Leadership Understanding our own identities and drawing on who we are, are an important part of our life and leadership. We draw strength and courage from who we are to lead and educate others. (Minthorn & Chávez, 2015, p. 11) 34 Scholars of Indigenous leadership are unified in stating that there is no one word that can define Indigenous leadership; rather, it as a process guided by lived experiences (Julien et al., 2010; Kenny & Fraser, 2012; Minthorn & Chávez, 2015; Warner & Grint, 2006). Warner (Comanche) and Grint (2006) describe American Indian leadership as a “myriad of different elements in space and time” (p. 226). Kenny (Choctaw) (2012) uses “living” in the title of her book Living Indigenous Leadership: Native Narratives on Building Strong Communities. In her own chapter she uses words like “embodied,” “fluid,” and “liberating” (p. 7). Similarly, scholar Michelle Pidgeon (2012) uses words like “resilient” and “dynamic” to describe Indigenous leadership. Lastly, Minthorn (Kiowa, Apache, Umatilla, Nez Perce and Assiniboine) and Chávez (Mestiza-Apache and Piro) (2015) state that Indigenous leadership is “fundamentally about who we are within a context of those we serve … we define ourselves” (p. 10). The common thread woven through all the research is that verbs are used to describe Indigenous leadership. Here are a few examples of common verbs found in the literature: “mentor,” “persuade,” “advocate,” “motivate,” “transform,” and “unite.” Indigenous languages are verb-based, so it is understandable that Indigenous scholars would use verbs to “describe” rather than to “define.” Minthorn and Chávez (2015) are the only scholars who clearly state that Indigenous leaders define themselves in relation to their connections to the lands of their ancestors. Indigenous leaders embody their leadership; they bring their “whole” selves. As Kenny (2012) states: “We are whole” (p. 12). Their spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual well-being greatly influences how they enact leadership. In the emerging literature, Indigenous scholars, such as Minthorn and Chávez in their Indigenous Leadership in Higher 35 Education (2015), are determining how they will write about themselves and how they lead, which is critically relevant for those Indigenous scholars yet to come. Indigenous leaders embody their leadership within the spaces they occupy. Gregory A. Cajete, a Tewa scholar, posits that the purpose of education is to honour one’s whole being, which requires finding face, finding heart, finding foundation in relationship and respect and responsibility of yourself to yourself, yourself to your family, yourself to your tribe and community, yourself to the place in which you live, and then, yourself to the whole cosmos towards becoming more complete as a man, as a woman. (Paget-Clarke, 2016, para. 49) While Cajete is referring to education, as an Indigenous woman leader, I believe this too is relevant for Indigenous leaders’ enacting wholistic leadership that honours their whole selves— their spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains, and the teachings that come from their families, communities, and Nations. The articles reviewed provided me with a much broader understanding of Indigenous leadership from a community focus, and a strong foundation of what Indigenous leadership entails. I found the work of Kenny and Fraser (2012), Minthorn and Chávez (2015), and Julien et al. (2010) very helpful. Their varying perspectives are unique, and are pronounced in demonstrating their understanding of how Indigenous leaders lead. For instance, Kenny’s (2012) and Pidgeon’s (2012) understandings of Indigenous leadership were the most “wholistic” and their description honoured leaders’ connections to their spiritual, emotional, physical, and 36 intellectual well-being. Minthorn and Chávez (2015) described Indigenous leadership in relation to one’s Nations and connections to one’s community. Our relatives who reside south of the colonially imposed border have a political edge to self-determining their own leadership on their own terms. This is in direct contrast to Kenny’s and Pidgeon’s chapters in Living Indigenous Leadership: Native Narratives on Building Strong Communities, where self-determination is not as strongly evident. However, this could be respectfully not wanting to define others and their leadership styles. As an Indigenous person, I can understand this, as Elders have taught me that we can only speak to our own experience and not to the experiences of others unless given permission to do so. Also, the colonial history attached to labelling and defining Indigenous Peoples is a long one. Interestingly, Julien et al. (2010) are the only group of scholars to provide a definition of Indigenous leadership as “the art of mobilizing others to want to struggle for shared aspiration” (p. 118, emphasis original). None of these authors identified as Indigenous and none positioned themselves as such in their work. Additionally, they have not been taught, like Indigenous scholars, that we can only speak from our own experiences. The articles by Warner and Grint (2006) and Julien et al. (2010) provide an extensive understanding of Indigenous leadership but lack an account of Indigenous voices as primary writers. Although Warner and Grint’s article was written collaboratively between a Comanche scholar and a non-Indigenous scholar, it was difficult to discern Warner’s Comanche voice in the work. The article by Julien et al. was problematic in that there was a lack of positioning by the non-Indigenous scholars writing for and about Aboriginal leadership. How valid can their work be if they do not address this? 37 Indigenous leadership compel leaders bring their whole selves to their leadership and that includes their spiritual understandings and teachings from their Elders and Nations. Spirituality is viewed as a strength that many, but not all, Indigenous leaders possess and bring to their leadership. Indigenous leadership and its leaders view spirituality as a positive influence that guides their actions and beliefs (Julien et al., 2010; Kenny & Fraser, 2012; Minthorn & Chávez, 2015; Pidgeon, 2012; Warner & Grint, 2006). Minthorn and Chávez include these words from Cassandra Manuelito-Kerkvliet: “I frequently turn to my ceremonial practices and traditions to gain insights into my leadership” (p. 40).4 Julien et al. (2010) posit that spirituality is a “central” and “fundamental” element that influences leaders when making important decisions. Additionally, spirituality is “vital to their self-identity … and brings “them a sense of focus” (p. 120). Likewise, Warner and Grint (2006) describe spirituality as the “core” of traditional Indian leadership, and “while American Indian communities are spiritual communities, they are not all alike” (p. 235). However, they do not identify spiritual practices in their paper. Michelle Pidgeon (2012), discusses Indigenous leadership and its leaders as “warriors” and mentions the connection to spirituality. Warrior leaders are considered excellent role models for their communities, as “they lead for a larger purpose” and “make a significant difference in the lives of people they touch” (p. 142). Pidgeon quotes Mohawk scholar Taiaiake Alfred as saying that, as warriors, Indigenous leaders must return to “leadership based on traditional values” (p. 142). 4 This quote and other quotes from Minthorn and Chávez (2015) included in this chapter were not referenced by the authors in their book so no dates are available for the original quotations. 38 Warrior leaders lead with their spirits intact, as they have a responsibility to honour the teachings passed down to them from the land, ancestors, and Elders who have guided them. Similarly, Kenny (2012) states that as Indigenous people we have an “intimate spiritual commitment to relationships with all living things” (p. 3); this includes Mother Earth and our ancestors, as they are our “guides in our life journeys of spiritual discovery” (p. 3). Kenny posits that the “road to leadership is paved with land, ancestors, Elders and story” (p. 4). Indigenous leaders bring spiritual knowledge and teachings to their leadership. Spiritual practices connect them to all things and guides how they lead. Minthorn and Chávez (2015) quote the following words of Shawn Secatero, a Navajo leader in the United States: “As part of the emergence of leadership and spiritual well-being, I have been told by my Elders that leadership is a ceremony and all individuals need to envision a sense of purpose as the journey begins” (p. 38). Secatero’s view underscores the importance of spirituality in Indigenous leadership. The work of Pidgeon (2012), Kenny (2012), and Minthorn and Chávez (2015) provides the best wholistic understanding of spirituality and interconnectedness. Spiritually aware leaders gain strength and guidance from the cultural teachings they receive from their Elders, stories, and the land, and bring the teachings forth in their leadership. Spirituality, cultural teachings, and values are interwoven and unique to each Nation. Respect Indigenous leaders understand the respect that is necessary to carry forth the teachings they learn in ceremony. Physically practising and embodying these teachings daily is showing respect for the gifts shared with them by their Elders and Knowledge Keepers. They understand the responsibility to care for the teachings in a good way out of respect for the old ones who are 39 relying on them. They know the importance, as well, of showing respect by passing the understandings gathered because they need to be shared with the next generations of learners and leaders to come. In the words of Corey Still, “For me leadership is not something I ever really sought. It is something that emerged from me through my cultural teachings” (as cited in Minthorn & Chávez, 2015, p. 15). The Seven Sacred Teachings of White Buffalo Calf Women, also known as the Seven Grandfather Teachings, are respectfully shared by other Nations and Tribes. These Teachings about humility, bravery, honesty, wisdom, truth, respect, and love are evident in many of the collective Indigenous insights in Minthorn and Chávez’s (2015) work, as noted particularly by Melvin Monette (Turtle Mountain Band of Chippewa Indians), who is quoted in Minthorn and Chávez (p. 23) speaking to these important cultural teachings. Additionally, the work of Julien et al. (2010), Kenny and Fraser (2012), and Minthorn and Chávez (2015) speaks of the importance of cultural teachings to Indigenous Peoples. These teachings, principles, and simliar values have been reflected by many Nations and Indigenous Peoples globally; however, they are embodied in a variety of ways, providing guidance on how to live and lead. Minthorn and Chávez’s (2015) second chapter, “Collective Insights on Indigenous Leadership,” provides an overview of how diverse values from many Nations and Tribes guide their leadership. The shared collective voices of Indigenous leaders are diverse, but speak to the integral importance of such teachings. One leader spoke to several teachings: “From our Elders and ancestors we find wisdom, guidance, reassurance, strength, and courage. We learn important things from them and owe them our constant respect and service” (p. 38). Scholars Julien et al. (2010) and Robin Starr Minthorn (Kiowa, Apache, Nez Perce, Umatilla, and Assiniboine) (Minthorn & Chávez, 2015) speak to both respect and wisdom and 40 how it influences Indigenous leadership. Julien at al. (2010) do not make specific reference to cultural teachings, but the leaders quoted in their work speak to both the value of respect and wisdom and its significance within their leadership. Respect is interpreted and enacted differently in Indigenous leadership in that hierarchy is replaced with the collective, and all contribute equally to the circle. It is interesting to note that cultural values were not a major theme elaborated on in Julien et al.’s (2010) work, whereas other Indigenous scholars make cultural values a focal point of their work. Minthorn, a scholar and leader, speaks primarily of the importance of values like respect and wisdom in Indigenous Leadership in Higher Education. Respect for oneself and others is a value she learned from her family, and it is enacted within her community. Minthorn (2015) states: “[R]espect means that you have respect for other people’s views and perspectives and what they represent” (p. 182). Respect is demonstrated in our actions towards others and is enacted in different ways by different people. For example, when Indigenous leaders greet each other they will often share where they come from and who their relations are. This is something Indigenous people are taught to do at a young age. In the presence of Elders, it is expected you do more listening than talking. I know this to be true as I have spent time around Elders and found myself doing the same thing. I respect the lived experience they bring to our lives, and how precious their time is and the knowledge they share. It is just respectful, plain, and simple, to really hear their words. As for wisdom, it is gained when we sit with the Elders and listen to their lived experience. Knowing when to be silent, in the presence of the Elders, and learning from listening is the wisdom gained through the relationship. Living one’s values is primarily what Kenny and Fraser (2012) speak to, and this is evident in the contributing authors’ work. The collection focuses particularly on how emerging 41 Indigenous scholars “live” leadership as an “embodied concept unique to Native Leadership” (p. 4). The embodied concept, which is rarely mentioned in current leadership literature, is the interconnection between “land, ancestors, Elders and story” (p. 4). Similar to the way many Indigenous scholars write on Indigenous leadership, the focus is on wholistic balance, which cannot be accomplished without relationships and connections to one’s epistemological and ontological foundation emerging from place. Responsibility Indigenous leaders know they have a responsibility beyond themselves, but reach into the community, as shared by Brayboy: “It is important to note that leaders understand that a team of people can-and-do thrive when they focus on the needs of the communities and children rather than being driven by individual accolades” (Brayboy, as cited in Minthorn & Chávez, 2015, p. 27). Indigenous leaders have a responsibility to never forget who they are and especially where they come from. Maintaining strong connections to one’s home community and Nation is imperative to keeping Indigenous leaders grounded in their purpose. The responsibility of maintaining relations and the interconnection to community is valued within Indigenous Nations. Relationships developed within communities have sustained Indigenous Peoples since time immemorial and are what makes communities strong. Scholars Julien et al., (2010), Kenny and Fraser (2012), and Minthorn and Chávez (2015) note that Indigenous leadership is not an individualistic pursuit, but rather is one that is taken up when one is called upon by the community. In addition, the ability to lead “lies within all” (Julien et al., p. 119). Kenny and Fraser posit that Indigenous leadership is “relational” and leaders “act on behalf of the community” thus “help[ing] to keep the nation together” (p. 7). Indigenous leaders learn 42 the importance of interconnectedness from families, especially Elders, who model respectful relations every day. Elders not only speak to the importance of healthy relationships, but they are also the key to building stronger communities. In Indigenous Leadership in Higher Education (2012), Minthorn speaks specifically of her own parents and grandparents modelling the development of healthy relationships and the direct connection to the “service” they provided within their communities (p. 181). Similarly, Julien et al. note that connections are important to the relational process of leading, as leaders see themselves as belonging to a community within the workplace. Meanwhile, Pidgeon’s (2012) chapter in Living Indigenous Leadership: Native Narratives on Building Strong Communities posits that Indigenous leaders must engage in “meaningful” and “respectful” relationships as they “remind us of who we are related to and responsibilities we have to the collective ‘we’ rather than the individual ‘I’” (p. 141). The common thread that unifies this analysis is that Indigenous leadership is “relational” and is built on being responsible about maintaining interconnections within community. Reciprocity and Gift-Giving For those of us who see our work as part of a seven generations process, we know that we are merely planting healthy seeds. (Kenny [Choctaw, Haida], as cited in Minthorn & Chávez, 2015, p. 24) Reciprocity, the act of giving back to Mother Earth, future generations, and community, is a value that guides Indigenous leadership (Julien et al. 2010; Kenny & Fraser, 2012; Minthorn & Chávez, 2015). The enactment of reciprocity and responsibility is a thread that unites Indigenous leaders, as many have stated that “we have a responsibility to share [our] gifts” (Minthorn & Chávez, p. 184), acknowledging both “past and future generations” (Julien et al., p. 43 120) in the process. Living one’s life in a purposeful way influences the way one leads. As we “begin to reach our potential we also have a responsibility to reciprocate what we have gained and learned to share with our communities as best we can” (Minthorn & Chávez, p. 184). The responsibility of sharing our gifts—the accumulated intellectual knowledge and cultural wisdom gained over our lifetime—is the highest form of reciprocity that we can give to future generations. Indigenous people who take up leadership and “live” it understand their purpose is to give back to those yet to come, just as their ancestors did before them. Gender, Women, and Leadership Inasmuch as women leaders (Gipson et al., 2017; Begeny et al., 2021; Chase & Martin, 2019; Prado, 2023; Ryan, 2020; Robinson et al., 2017; Shaked et al., 2018, Shaked et al., 2019) have made significant gains in ascending the leadership ladder into senior positions in educational leadership generally, on the whole leadership “roles are disproportionately occupied by individuals of certain social categories (e.g., men, white individuals)” (Begeny et al., 2021, p. 1). Even though education is a “predominantly ‘feminized profession,’ the ranks of leadership/administration are still dominated by men” (Chase & Martin, 2019, p. 3), even today. This is glaringly evident in the data from the United States and the data from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), where there is a massive inequity of women in administrative positions at the elementary level despite nearly 85% of the elementary school teachers being women (Shaked et al., 2018). While women dominate the teaching positions, this does not translate into a similar number of females in administrative positions, as they hold significantly fewer principalships than men, who currently occupy 58.9% of the positions. The landscape of leadership for women as they progress up the leadership ladder and 44 the hierarchy of educational organizations becomes more barren, with only 28.5% of women holding principal positions in high schools, and an even lower percentage of women higher in the leadership ranks. Only 24% of superintendents are women (Shaked et al., 2019). Similarly, in the more localized context in British Columbia, 75% of teachers are females and they make up about 60% of the administrative ranks. However, only 36% of superintendents are females; males hold 64% of the superintendency positions (Kennedy, 2021). Gender does still matter and has implications for females who wish to enter leadership positions. Despite data showing that women dominate the teaching profession, they still face barriers in their transitions into administrative positions and more senior leadership positions within British Columbia. The research evidence continues to show that women are “underrepresented, under-valued and underutilized as leaders” (Shaked et al., 2019, p. 295). While women as a whole are underrepresented, “there is a failure to include more indigenous women in educational leadership” (Prado, 2023, p. 100). There is a dearth of research on gender and leadership, but there is even less research on the interplay of gender, race, and leadership, and this research is only now beginning to emerge. The researchers noted above theorize women’s leadership through either a gender or race lens, with the exception of Begeny et al. (2021), who examine leadership from an “intersectional lens rather than studying the implications of one’s gender or race in isolation” (p. 1). It is noted across the research that the “disparities in representation … [are due to] … gender, race, and leadership, including how and why individuals’ gender and race impact their likelihood of being placed into leadership roles” (p. 2). How do gender, race, and leadership intersect and impact women’s pathways into administrative positions and beyond into senior leadership positions? Research has shown that 45 gender and race do impact how “others perceive, evaluate and treat” women (Begeny et al., 2021). Additionally, “[r]ace and gender are used to erode any opportunities for building a trajectory to leadership” while it is “[d]ominant society [that] tells those different to them that they are somehow ill-equipped to take on a leadership role” (Ryan, 2020, p. 155). I will outline the common themes found in the research that pertain to how gender and race impact women’s leadership in their pursuit of a leadership position in educational settings. The lack of fairness and inequity (Alqahtani, 2019; Begeny et al.; Clark & Johnson, 2017; Kairys, 2018; Shaked et al., 2019) still present barriers for women in leadership gaining administrative and senior leadership positions, as outlined in Clark and Johnson’s work (p. 3): • “Women’s self-perception” … exhibited in … “diminished self-confidence” • “Low self-efficacy” … in regard to a belief in … “lack of skills” which results in self-sabotage • “Societal discrimination in the form of gendered stereotyping” • “Bias … during the hiring process” While the above is not an exhaustive list by any measure, women still face these barriers currently. The work of Begeny et al. (2021) examined barriers from an intersectional lens to include the experiences of women who are Black, Indigenous, or identify as Women of Colour, and found the following: • Racial discrimination which results in “underestimations of competency and leadership potential” • Discrimination “occurred and continues to occur in evaluations and hiring practices, with very little decline in the pervasiveness of discrimination in the past 25 years” 46 • “[B]acklash effects … experienced along racial lines” • “[T]okenism refers to circumstances where a member of a certain social category is ‘the only one’ in … that position or situation” • In evaluations, with regards “to race, white leaders are often evaluated more favorably than non-white leaders” (pp. 3–6) The theories and research on women in leadership and the barriers they face in climbing the leadership ladder into senior positions are extensive. I have shared only a mere snapshot of the data currently available. There are gaps in the research which are currently being addressed, in particular an intersectional lens and a more inclusive approach to examing diverse perspectives of social identities. Indigenous Women’s Leadership Indigenous women’s leadership (Gambrell, 2016; Hill & Hoss, 2018; Minthorn & Shotton, 2018; Robinson et al., 2020; Shotton & Minthorn, 2020) is undertheorized, especially from a contemporary lens. The voices of Indigenous women and their perspectives are largely absent from leadership in education and research in general, especially in the K-12 educational settings. The common threads weaved across the research literature shows that Indigenous women leaders struggle with the term and title of leader, and generally state that “they [do] not seek out leadership positions” (Shotton & Minthorn, 2020, p. 83). Indigenous women leaders’ voices shared in the research affirm that in leadership positions they are in service to their communities and Nations. The research to date looks at Indigenous women’s experience leading and their approaches to leadership, whether as a leader within community, Nation, and or in educational 47 settings. There is no one definition of leadership that can adequately describe the richness and depth of Indigenous women’s leadership. However, Shotton and Minthorn have agreed with Fitzgerald’s (2002) analysis that there are “two layers of Indigenous leadership: (1) traditional, or community, leadership that derives from an Indigenous worldview; and (2) leadership that serves as advocacy between Indigenous and non-Indigenous communities” (Fitzgerald, as cited in Shotton and Minthorn, p. 75). This analysis is reflective across the literature on Indigenous women’s leadership, whether situated within community or educational settings. Indigenous women’s lived experiences and wholistic development as human beings connect them to their traditional homelands and Nations, helping to shape their self-actualization as sovereign Indigenous people. It is noted across the literature that a strong cultural identity and traditional knowledge, continuing one’s educational journey, and being able to navigate in two worlds and beyond are important in shaping Indigenous women’s leadership. The common approaches and values concerning leadership that are shared by Indigenous women include the idea that leadership is • Relational • Collaborative • Collective and inclusive Leadership encompasses • Cultural preservation • Spiritual practices • Utilizing mentorship—familial, community, Elder and peer mentors • Support networks—work, community, and Nation 48 • Challenging colonization and status quo (Gambrell, 2016; Hill & Hoss, 2018; Minthorn & Shotton, 2018; Robinson et al., 2020; Shotton & Minthorn, 2020). The development of cultural values (Hill & Hoss, 2018; Minthorn & Shotton, 2018; Shotton & Minthorn, 2020) is foundational to Indigenous women’s leadership development. Shotton and Minthorn found that Indigenous women’s values on leadership “were garnered from the communities in which they grew up, as well as the values instilled in them by their grandparents, parents and families” (p. 78). One value commonly found across the scholarship was humility, and the importance of how Indigenous women display and embed humility within their leadership practice. The values found across the leadership scholarship (Hill & Hoss; Minthorn & Shotton; Shotton & Minthorn) were the following: • Shared vision • Responsibility • Role modelling • Compassion • Courage • Respect • Trust • Relational Interaction • Reciprocity There is still much more research to be done in the field of Indigenous women’s leadership, especially with respect to the experiences of contemporary Indigenous women 49 leaders, which is just now emerging in the scholarship. This is also evident in the scholarly research on matriarchy and its implications on Indigenous women’s leadership. Matriarchy Indigenous women have been rematriating their own understanding of matriarchy within the context of their own Nations and lived experience, though the concept has been theorized heavily by white male academics and anthropology studies since the mid-1860s (Goettner-Abendroth, 2017). Scholar Heide Goettner-Abendroth (2017) posits that a foundation of modern matriarchal studies has emerged from her own comparative study analyzing the economic, social, political, and cultural levels of many societies. She acknowledges that both Indigenous and feminist researchers are taking back the concept of matriarchy and reorienting it to their own personal lived experience. For the purpose of this research, I am aligned with her definition of modern matriarchy at the social and cultural level. Goettner-Abendroth, in her research, asserts that from a social level, matriarchy is a non-hierarchical society of matrilineal kinship, whose main features are clan organization based on matrilinearity (kinship in the mother’s line) and matrilocality (residence with or near the mother); at the same time the sexes are valued equally (gender equality). (p. 4, emphasis original) At the cultural level, she asserts that matriarchy is “based on a sacred culture in which there are no aloof male gods, but where the worldview is defined by the feminine divine” (p. 5, emphasis original). 50 The leadership walk in education is one fraught with tension because of the resistance between and in-between multiple worlds; the tensions of leading like a matriarch within a system that privileges Western norms and patriarchy; and leading in the margins and in the shadow of a hierarchical system that centres patriarchy in the educational leadership system. In reviewing many definitions of patriarchy, I am drawn to Cynthia Enloe’s (2017) definition in which she posits it as a “a system—a dynamic web” (p. 16). This web is interconnected, and its silk threads consist of the political, social, and economic systems which uphold the inequality between men and women. Enloe further elaborates that as a system it consists of “interwoven ideas and relationships … [that are] … stunningly adaptable” (p. 16). She further posits that patriarchy as a system is “sustainable” (p. 16). Within the dynamic web of patriarchy exist the silken threads of intersectionality where sex, gender, race, and difference rest: it is up to feminists to be the drops of water on the web that will help expose it for what it is when made visible by the sun. A constant rain of heavy drops of water on the web will potentially help to weaken the main silken lines that converge in the centre of the web. While the concept of patriarchy (Hill & Allen, 2021) has been used heavily by feminists to theorize both systematic and structural oppression from the 1960s to the 1980s, critique of the concept during this time was “ahistorical, homogenising and unable to account for gendered experiences that intersected with other structural oppressions” (p. 2). Indigenous women leaders who are matriarchs or matriarchs in the making “must confront what are variously referred to as interlocking, multiple, double, triple, quadruple, or intersecting oppressions (Hancock, 2016), in contexts where they are both women and members of subaltern communities” (Coburn, 2019, p. 136). 51 Gaps in the Literature The articles presented in this literature review provide a very thorough understanding of Indigenous leadership, leaders’ responsibility to their communities, and relational ethics in leading for their Nations. What is lacking is an understanding of leading within an “urban” context and within large organizations, including educational organizations. What are the urban experiences of Indigenous leaders within large educational organizations? How do leaders serve and balance the needs of all? There are several gaps in the literature regarding Indigenous leadership, particularly in educational leadership, where Indigenous women’s voices are virtually absent in the K-12 system and urban experiences are ignored. The literature reviewed primarily focuses on a post-secondary educational leadership context or community leadership, and we need to hear more about experiences of Indigenous women leading overall, in particular within a contemporary and urban Indigenous perspective. Summary Leadership theories and approaches have evolved significantly over time in regards to educational leadership and other leadership contexts. What has emerged from this literature review is that mainstream Western leadership theories and approaches have not included Indigenous worldviews and perspectives. The current research on leadership theories and approaches, whether Western-based or Indigenous-focused, have yet to be braided together. While Indigenous women’s voices and lived experiences are continuing to emerge in the 52 research, much more work is needed going forward to ensure diverse Indigenous voices are included in both Western and Indigenous leadership scholarship. 53 Chapter 3: Theoretical Framework The theoretical framework discussed in Chapter 3 emerges from a re/searcher’s exploration of self and her personal journey to understand what it means to become a whole person. This journey of re-searching my own miskâsowin (see Glossary) that acknowledges nêhiyawak knowledge, culture, and traditions has been important in informing the development of the theoretical framework. The nêhiyawak are known as “People of the four directions.” It is this journey of finding my origins that has become the foundation for the Surthrivance leadership model presented in this section. Indigenous wholistic theory and searching for sweetgrass contributed to a deeper understanding. It was necessary to ensure that a framework centring wholism was used in the research process. Indigenous Wholistic Theory Indigenous wholistic theory (Absolon, 2010) honours the whole person and is “rooted intimately within Indigenous epistemologies, worldviews, cultures and traditions. Indigenous wholistic theory is wholistic and multi-layered, which encompasses the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical elements of being. We must acknowledge our past, present and future” (Absolon, p. 74). The four wholistic domains and the flux of time are interconnected and this is often expressed through the saying, “We are all related.” Indigenous wholistic theory is both a framework and an embodied praxis that is “earth based and derived from the teachings of the land, sun, water, sky and all of Creation” (Absolon, 2010, p. 74). The journey of decolonization and Indigenization of research and leadership has set me on similar path of embodied praxis, 54 “to remember and reconnect with wholistic knowledges, pick up our bundles and activate them again. Picking up our bundles means to relearn, reclaim, pick up and own the teachings and practices that emanate from wholistic theory and knowledge (Absolon, 2010, p. 75). I was gifted and picked up my own bundle in ceremony in September of 2021, when I was ready to receive it from my guide, mentor, Elder and good friend Davita Marsden. I considered myself very young in my understandings of spiritual and cultural teachings. However, accepting the role of helper in ceremony is helping me to take my understanding deeper, and I am committed to continuing to learn, not just for myself, but for my two daughters, Paige and Kaylyn. I have a responsibility to pass the teachings on to them and continue deepening my understanding of how the medicine wheel contributes to to own wholistic development as an Indigenous women. The teachings of the medicine wheel are embodied everyday and evident in our cultural practices such as searching for sweetgrass. Natonikewin Wîhkaskwa ~ Searching for Sweetgrass I searched the prairie hills of the Blackfoot territory for sweetgrass, gifting tobacco to a Blackfoot man on a dusty side road in exchange for an exact location. Despite the exchange and the older man who took us to a spot where it could be found, I never found it; it was a very elusive and sacred medicine. Coyote trickster was having fun with me and my friends. For kicks known only to him, leading us astray. Coyote is a naughty trickster with a mischievous laugh that made me smile. I am sure we probably walked over hundreds of patches that day while we were searching for it. I could smell the sweetness and it was wonderful, but my eyes were not trusting, and I could not identify it. I learned the teaching of patience that day and how being out on the land grounds me. 55 Sweetgrass is one of the four sacred medicines important to Plains people; in particular, nêhiyaw people. I have received braids from my friends but have never been able to pick it and learn how to braid it. I do know that there are protocols and songs one must remember when out on the land picking it. There are multiple teachings associated with sweetgrass and they have been shared with me. The teachings begin as soon as one lays down tobacco in search of sweetgrass, to the picking, to the braiding, and to the gifting. What I have been taught is that sacred medicines, like tobacco, sage, cedar, and sweetgrass, offer us teachings that prepare us to walk in our world. The process of gathering and using traditional medicines is preparing me to walk in the academic world and in my own leadership. Growing and caring for sacred medicine brings me both comfort and clarity, as the journey into academics and leadership is one where my nêhiyaw worldview is not privileged. Yet, I must be able to clearly articulate my thoughts and ideas to a largely non-Indigenous work environment. This is where the struggle lies. The search for sweetgrass took me back to the land of my ancestors, the ways of my people, and ultimately back to me. This is where my story begins. As I continue to journey into the future, I must know my connections to my ancestors, while knowing who I am in the present. Using an Indigenous research paradigm and privileging nêhiyaw kiskeyitamowin (knowledge) and kiskêyimisowin (self-knowledge) over môniyâw-kiskêyihtamowin (White-Man knowledge) requires a very deep understanding of the “interrelationship between epistemology and method, theory and practice” (Kovach, 2009, p. 176). I have come to understand the medicine wheel is both a concept, but also a way of living many Indigenous people strive to achieve. As Indigenous scholars before me believe, and what I have come to understand, is that “[o]ur knowledge is valid, real, and concrete” and “[t]here are many pathways to knowledge” (Absolon, 2011, p. 12). 56 I have overcome the fear of the unknown, or the worry that I do not know enough to engage in Indigenous research and methodologies. Having grown up away from my traditional territory for most of my life and being unable to speak the nêhiyaw language left me feeling conflicted for a very long time. However, since I began this research many years ago, I have journeyed to learn more about the cultural and ceremonial teachings of my nêhiyawak Peoples. I have journeyed home to my traditional lands—Treaty 6—to reconnect there with my Nations and relatives. I must strive to continue to learn my Nation’s language, cultural teachings, and traditions. As Kovach (2009) states, “[L]anguage is central to the construction of knowledge”; however, “Indigenous epistemologies assume a holistic approach that finds expression with the personal manifestation of culture” (p. 61). There is hope for me, as I am only one generation removed from fluent nêhiyawewin speakers, and I am currently dedicating time to attend ceremony. Indigenous researchers and scholars including Althaus and O’Faircheallaigh (2019), Kenny and Fraser (2012), and Minthorn and Chávez (2015) have used the medicine wheel to share meaning-making and adapt it to their own particular area of study. I will share and discuss, in particular, the Indigenous researchers using the medicine wheel, primarily in the post-secondary context. Each of the authors mentioned above designed their medicine wheel in a particular fashion, and assigned the four domains of the wheel to represent a meaning that was particular to their own context and understanding of Indigenous leadership. The Indigenous leadership model in higher education (Minthorn & Chávez, 2015) provides a good example of collective understanding of what Indigenous leadership entails. Their model focuses on the experiences of Indigenous leaders working in higher education, and it also speaks to Indigenous leaders leading in the K-12 education system. It is wholistic, as it is 57 based on the medicine wheel, which honours the four domains and directions. Nestled within the four directions it outlines who Indigenous leaders are in higher education under the following categories: Who We Are, What We Strive to Embody, What Is Known, and What We Do. It includes all the elements of what Indigenous leadership is, currently, being both wholistic and embodied. I have listed all of these elements below in Table 3 (Minthorn & Chávez, pp. 9–11). The diagram of the Minthorn and Chávez model, without the text, is shown in Figure 5 on p. 63. 58 Table 3 Minthorn and Chávez (2015) Model of Indigenous Leaders in Higher Education Who We Are • Leading from our identities, relations, and histories • Living our purpose • In some ways stepping forward, in some ways called forward • Leading as legacy What We Strive to Embody • Wisdom, Activism, Courage, Strength, Generosity, Humility With Confidence, Balance, Spirituality, Discernment What Is Known • We are those who came before, those we are with, and those who come after us • The centrality of bettering ourselves and our communities • Committed relationships are essential to deep transformation • Good things can come from hardship • Leadership takes many forms • The importance of stories • Our context of leadership for transformation • Elders hold great importance • We hold within us a sense of connection through place, spirituality, language, and balance • Leadership is strengthened within and by the collective • Traditions and adaptability are essential and part of our history What We Do • Live and lead to benefit current and future generations • Learn from and trust in connections all around us • Develop our own cultural ways of doing • Negotiate dissonance Note: This table was adapted from Minthorn and Chávez (2015), pp. 9–10. Indigenous leaders working in the K-12 system, like their post-secondary counterparts, ground their leadership in comparable ways and face equivalent tensions and collisions of 59 worldviews while leading. Minthorn and Chávez (2015) explain the conflict between Indigenous leadership and Western leadership, where the latter is dominated by individuality, understanding through disparate parts, linear and futuristic thinking, and competition; Indigenous leadership is fundamentally about who we are within the context of those we serve. As Indigenous leaders we define ourselves by collective orientations; a deep focus on context, connection, history, and wholeness; and on collaboration and service as a way of being. (p. 10) Kenny and Fraser’s model in Living Indigenous Leadership: Native Narratives on Building Strong Communities is based on community leadership and higher education. The models presented in Kenny and Fraser’s (2012) book represent First Nation women leadership frameworks. Both show the traditional form of the medicine wheel, with a circular centre labelled “learner,” and both acknowledge the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains. Figure 3 below is adapted from one of Kenny and Fraser’s figures. 60 Figure 3 Medicine Wheel A Note: Figure 3 is adapted from Kenny and Fraser (2012, p. 44). Figure 3 has four concentric circles, acknowledging the interconnection between the individual in the centre with their family, community, and larger community wrapping around the circle in the centre. The higher education model presented by Kenny and Fraser (2012) and shown in Figure 4, below, embodies all components—circle centre, four directions, and the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains. 61 Figure 4 Medicine Wheel B Note: Figure 4 is adapted from Kenny and Fraser (2012, p. 138). In Minthorn and Chávez’s book (2015), discussed extensively above, the Indigenous leadership model for higher education that they show (see Figure 5, below) is not as detailed as the models presented in either Kenny and Fraser’s (2012) work or the work of Althaus and O’Faircheallaigh (2019). Minthorn and Chávez’s model is circular and divided into the four quadrants; however, it lacks a circular centre or reference to the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains. 62 Figure 5 Medicine Wheel C Note: Figure 5 is adapted from Minthorn and Chávez (2015, p. 9). The last model presented in Leading from between: Indigenous Participation and Leadership in Public Service, by Althaus and O’Faircheallaigh (2019), is shown in Figure 6 below. It has most of the components of the other models, in that it is divided into the four quadrants, has a circular centre, and acknowledges the four directions. 63 Figure 6 Medicine Wheel D Note: Figure 6 is adapted from Althaus and O’Faircheallaigh (2019, p. 87). All the Indigenous leadership models utilized and explained in the three books use the medicine wheel as the framework, consistently incorporating the four directions and the wholistic domains of human development—spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual. Where they differ is in how they describe the four wholistic domains, as it was contextual to their own leadership understanding, whether as an individual or as a collective group. Both of the models presented in Kenny and Fraser’s (2012) work have centres where the individual can be reflective of their experiences in leadership and respect the interconnection of everything around them. The Althaus and O’Faircheallaigh (2019) model is labelled as traditional Indigenous leadership and has a centre focused on balance. The four wholistic domains wrap around this centre but are not acknowledged in the text by the authors. The last model presented in Minthorn 64 and Chávez’s (2015) work has no centre and no reference to either the four directions or wholistic domains. The differences speak to the fact that there is no one model that “fits all” to describe Indigenous leadership or how leaders enact or embody it. All the models shared in the above-mentioned books do an exceptional job of describing how Indigenous leadership is enacted and embodied by Indigenous leaders. These models speak to Indigenous leaders leading within post-secondary contexts, community, and public service. A basic traditional medicine wheel that has all the necessary components—directions, domains, and colours—is shown in Figure 7, below. Figure 7 Traditional Medicine Wheel The medicine wheel shown in Figure 7 is a general design, useful as a baseline reference. It provides the basic teachings in that the four directions are acknowledged—East, South, West, and North. The colours are associated with the directions: yellow is in the East, red is in the 65 South, black is in the West, and white is in the North. Additionally, the wheel is divided into the four wholistic domains—spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual, though they are not labelled. Medicine Wheel ~ Wholism ~ Inner Fire Indigenous re-search is often guided by the knowledge found within. (Absolon, 2011, p. 12) The medicine wheel is a framework that can guide Indigenous scholars’ work, but it is also a way of life for many. It has been known to be “used a pathway for healing among many Aboriginal people across the continent, used to reclaiming identity and the purpose for individual and communities” (Wenger-Nabigon, 2010, p. 142). As a wholistic framework it honours Indigenous people’s spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual well-being, ensuring balance in one’s life, as balance can be a daily struggle to maintain. Additionally, the teachings of the medicine wheel, taught across the Nations, emphasize the “importance of appreciating and respecting the ongoing interconnectedness and interrelatedness of all things” (Bell, 2014, p. 1). The medicine wheel framework and teachings are forms of “Indigenous knowledge [that] are born of relational knowing from both the inner and outer space. The outer space is the physical world, and the inner space is where metaphysical knowing resides” (Kovach, 2009, p. 57). Likewise, Willie Ermine, a Cree scholar, states that “Indigenous peoples have processes in place to tap into this inner space and to make the unknown—known” (Ermine, 1995, as cited in Absolon, 2011, p. 12). As Kovach (2009) posits in her work: “Indigenous epistemologies are action-oriented. They are about living life every day according to certain values” (p. 62). 66 Indigenous Knowledge is experiential and relational; we gain knowledge through our connections to kinship but also to the land. These models presented and discussed are all descriptive; they are also diverse in the ways they help explain how Indigenous leadership is fluid, contextual, and emerges from leaders’ lived experience. However, the models do not provide details about how Indigenous leaders “survive” or “surthrive” within their work environments. It is assumed that if their leadership follows the models, they are therefore deemed to be successful in enacting and embodying their leadership. The question remains: How is their leadership received in the dominant systems they work within, in which the majority of systems are based on Western leadership theories and ideals? Surthrivance Leadership Model The theories I used to build and develop the Surthrivance leadership model are based on Indigenous wholistic theory, decolonizing theory, and medicine wheels, as explained in both this chapter and in Chapter 4. I provide an overview of how each of these theories has informed my own research and understanding, and how they contributed to the development of the Surthrivance leadership model. Sacred Journey Around the Circle The journey around the sacred circle (medicine wheel) starts in the East and ends in the North, as I have come to learn from my guide, Davita Marsden, and Elders who have shared teachings of the medicine wheel. I am still incredibly young in my understanding of spirituality, but I am committed to continue learning as I now carry a bundle and have a responsibility. Elder 67 and spiritual advisor Francis Whiskeyjack from Saddle Lake, Alberta shares that “[m]any people have different interpretations in their medicine wheel, and they are all right. No one is wrong” (Whiskeyjack, n.d., para. 3). With this teaching from Elder Francis Whiskeyjack, I will share my understanding of the medicine wheel and how I have transformed it from the physical construct and symbolic framework to an embodied, lived praxis of surthrivance in a decolonizing educational system. Physical medicine wheels originate on the Prairies (Laframboise & Sherbina, 2008), where stones were placed in the centre, with lines of stones radiating outwards to a larger circle encompassing the centre circle. Figure 8 shows a physical medicine wheel. 68 Figure 8 Big Horne Medicine Wheel Note: This medicine wheel is located near Sheridan, Wyoming, United States (photographer unknown). As a symbolic framework medicine wheels are used to teach and explain many things in life. I will share my understanding of a nêhiyaw medicine wheel. See Figure 9 below: 69 Figure 9 nêhiyaw Medicine Wheel The nêhiyawak, like many Nations, adapted the symbolic medicine wheel to meet their needs. The only difference between the nêhiyaw medicine wheel and a traditional medicine wheel is that in the former, the West is blue and the centre is green. As my guide has stated, “There are as many teachings as there are grains of sand” (D. Marsden, personal communication, July 2019); however, there is a shared collective understanding across Turtle Island. The medicine wheel is never static. It is constantly in flux, and as an Indigenous person I need to have enough self-awareness to know where I am regarding the wheel. It is our responsibility to continually work on ourselves, as spiritual Elder Art Leon of the Sts’ailes Nation shared with me while in a sweat ceremony. “If our wheel is tilted, it is our responsibility to bring it back into balance” (personal communication, A. Leon, October 2021). Using the medicine wheel for embodied surthrivance praxis within leadership praxis—whether personal, professional, or both—requires consistent attention and awareness of self. 70 The theoretical framework entitled the Surthrivance leadership model used in my research is based on both the traditional and nêhiyawak medicine wheels. I elaborated on both of these medicine wheels to create a version of the medicine wheel that would depict my Surthrivance leadership model. An artistic version of this model is shown in Figure 10, below. Figure 10 Surthrivance Leadership Model Note: This graphic was created for this dissertation by Peggy Janicki. © Peggy Janicki, 2022. The outermost circle represents the the Seven Grandfather Teachings from the Anishnaabe Nation. The values and teachings are unique and particular to that Nation, as they are connected to origin stories and ceremonies. I wrapped those teachings around the outside of the medicine wheel, as the seven values are found collectively across many Nations, while the teachings and 71 instructions about the values are embodied differently with respect to each particular Nation or Tribe. The medicine wheel is a circle divided into four quadrants, acknowledging the four directions and wholistic human development domains. Additionally, there is a centre where the fire is located. This centre is labelled both “Survivance” and “Inner Fire” (meaning self-determination). Surrounding the inner circle is another circle. This circle is not labelled in Figure 10, but this is where reclaim (East), refuse (South), resist (West), and resurge (North) are situated. This model will be used to explain how as Indigenous women leading in decolonizing educational systems we survive, surthrive, or do not survive. Whose fires stay lit or get extinguished by their experience? This model speaks not merely to how Indigenous women lead within urban systems wholistically, but also to how they survive or surthrive as leaders within decolonizing education systems. I use the theoretical framework as a lens to analyze how Indigenous women leaders maintain their inner fire while living and leading in decolonizing educational systems. The framework helps to answer whether the Indigenous women in this research project are surviving or surthriving, or not, while leading in their respective educational organizations. The model was used to explain the praxis of Indigenous leadership that embodies the space between the old physical medicine wheels that still exist on the land and the symbolic medicine wheels used for teaching and learning. I wove the conversations gathered from the knowledge shared by the Knowledge Holders to highlight how they have kept their fires lit in a system intent on putting their fires out. The Surthrivance leadership model builds on and expands the current leadership models that use the medicine wheel as a framework—where one needs to keep the balance between surviving and surthriving, ensuring one’s fire remains lit in a decolonizing system. 72 The basic medicine wheel as the framework was considered as a potential theoretical framework at the outset of the research project. While the medicine wheel orgins lie within Prairie First Nation culture, it has been adapted and adopted by other Nations for meaning-making. As a researcher, I was interested in using a lens that would capture the wholism of urban Indigenous leadership, including its spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains. For this purpose, I decided the medicine wheel would show the interconnectedness of wholism, but also allow for the diverse individual experiences of the Indigenous women to be revealed in the process. It allowed them to share their own understandings from their respective Nations of what it means to balance their wholism—the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual domains. As a Knowledge Seeker, it was important to develop a theoretical framework that could capture the diversity of the Indigenous women who participated in the research. As I spiralled deeper into my understanding, and into the conversations and stories with the Knowledge Holders, I began to refine the medicine wheel to adjust and reflect the knowledge that I was gathering. This theoretical framework, while it may be viewed as an pan-Indigenous symbol, is in fact a lens that can be situtated within inter-Indigenous relationships and collective understandings, which supports “the creation of new spaces involving traditions from multiple Nations” (Wildcat & Voth, 2023, p. 478). This approach has been utilized in other instances, in particular, in Toronto with A. Flamino and the Aboriginal Legal Services (ALS) in examining kinship-visiting methodologies which welcomed Indigenous Peoples from all Nations (Wildcat and Voth, 2023). Flamino and the ALS, when taking this approach, did not “espouse one particular Indigenous nation’s laws or procedures but rather offers programs that are suitable to the urban reality” (p. 478). What emerged from Flamino’s approach was that a “specialized urban trans-Indigenous approach, that recognizes the importance of welcoming, diplomacy, and 73 belonging, is required when urban staff members working at an urban Indigenous organization come from several distinct Indigenous nations and language groups” (p. 478). While this is an example of different legal systems interacting, the legal system of each different society remains intact. In essence, “inter-Indigenous relationships are not only about different collectivities interacting with each other, but also about how new forms of relating are created when people from different nations engage with one another” (p. 478). The approach utilized by Flamino and the ALS is equally relevant in regards to this research project as it is investigating urban Indigenous women’s lived experience leading in decolonizing educational systems. The Surthrivance leadership model is appropriate for this research project as it continually evolved over the duration of the process, and allowed the Knowledge Holders to share their own beliefs of wholistic understanding and Indigenous women’s leadership from their respective worldviews and Nations. This leadership model provides another way to help explain how Indigenous women leaders survive, surthrive, or do not survive and are able to rematriate their leadership in an educational system still firmly rooted in and built upon Western worldviews. Indigenous women who are just surviving within their educational organizations feel tokenized, lonely, unseen, and unheard. Alternatively, those who are thriving can be viewed by others as being complicit and assimiliated within the system, forgetting the purpose and heart of their work. The women who have succeeded in surthriving on their own terms remember the struggle, but have found ways to navigate and exist in the system as their self-determined and sovereign selves. The model offers a counterbalance to how current leadership approaches are conceptualized. The model will help those currently leading to consider a wholistic 74 understanding of what leadership can look like when the four domains of the medicine wheel and its centre are embodied in leadership. Eastern Door ~ Just Be ~ Reclaiming [I]t is through the process of Rematriation that we reclaim our identity, culture and our ways. (Rematriation, 2023, para. 1) I have come to understand as Indigenous people we come into the world as spiritual beings. Each Nation has their own creation stories, spiritual beliefs, and practices of how to “just be” here on Mother Earth and beyond into the cosmos. To “just be” as an Indigenous woman and a leader is when we are honoured and recognized for who we are as Indigenous women. This includes the four wholistic domains—spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual. Spiritual beliefs and practices are important for all Indigenous people to understand who they are and where they come from; they ground us to this world and beyond. Spiritual practices keep us on our life walk. This is just one domain that allows us to live the “good life” —miyo pimatisiwin. Every Nation has their own words and phrases that capture their understanding of “living the good life.” I have just shared the nêhiyawak understanding as it has been taught to me. To live the good life, I must acknowledge all four domains of wholistic development and the seven directions. It is my life mission to be more self-aware and keep in balance, as the Elders, mentors, and guides instruct us to do. The Indigenous women leaders who shared their stories with me valued ceremony in their lives and were actively committed to practices in both their personal and professional lives. They shared that this was essential to them as leaders, as spiritual practices both grounded and reminded them of who they were and where they came from. We never cease to be spiritual 75 beings, but it is a matter of actively engaging daily. We engaged in ceremony to open the Sharing Circle phase of the work, and in our conversation we even lit a smudge and shared virtually. I know it brought comfort to the women. Some women held sacred objects while speaking and we virtually passed the feather amongst ourselves. Southern Door ~ Believe ~ Refusing The southern door is the gate of believing and refusing as Indigenous women and being matriarchs. How one believes in oneself is tied closely to the emotions and how one feels. This also includes how one refuses the ways one may be seen by others. How do our emotions inform our leadership praxis? Indigenous women cultivate their emotions through their spiritual practices and the relational knowledge acquired through kinship/land-based relationship which directly informs their feelings and behaviours. The women spoke of feelings and were secure in their own beliefs of who they were as “matriarchs in the making” or “matriarchs in training” —they were confident in their own Indigeneity and how they felt and behaved in their daily lives. However, in the educational systems where they lead, they have experienced moments of not being heard, being talked at or talked over by others, or rarely talked to. Additionally, there have been many moments of refusal, at times when their Indigenous values did not align with the values of the organization. Navigating the decolonizing system is a hard walk when at times your Indigeneity is neither seen nor heard, or is tokenized for the benefit of the system. This feeling of daily erasure that individuals experience in the system, and the system itself, can devour the spirit. This diminishes the capacity of one’s inner fire to survive. 76 Western Door ~ Behave ~ Resisting In the West is where the physical resides. As Indigenous women leaders, how do we go about our leadership walk and how do we embody the teachings of spiritual and ceremonial practices within our work? Each of the women who engaged in this research with me shared their teachings that they have received in their lifetime and brought to the work they do. These are the gifts they have received from Elders, Knowledge Keepers, ceremonies, their kin, and the land that have informed them about how they should uphold and behave as Indigenous women and matriarchs in training. It is through their relationships, conversations within communities and in ceremony that they are able to receive and pick up the teachings that they embody in their leadership. Their leadership praxis foundation is based on who they are and where they come from, but also from where they currently lead. Many of the women are not leading in their own territories, and are uninvited guests to where they are currently live and work. They remain true to who they are, but are mindful of the protocols and relationships they must navigate. This navigation can be perilous, as Indigenous women leaders are constantly resisting being subsumed into the colonial system. They must navigate many worlds beyond their own, including the communities in which they reside and work: the education community, the organizational work community, and the urban Indigenous community. It takes great strength to remain committed to one’s matriarchal culture and teachings within multiple worlds and where patriarchy is dominant. 77 Northern Door ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Resurging In the North is where the intellectual domain resides. The lifetime of learning and teachings received from our guides, Knowledge Keepers, Elders, kinship, ceremony, and land reside in this part of the medicine wheel. It is understood we are never experts in our knowledge but merely practising and sharing forward what we know to the generation of Knowledge Seekers who are presently with us. Those who are the Knowledge Keepers and Elders from their Nations and communities have rightly been given the responsibility as they have committed themselves to a lifetime of learning. They know they have responsibility to carry the knowledge in a good way, to share and give back to their communities. The women acknowledge those who have helped them on their journey to know more about themselves and where they come from. This is the foundation of being that enables one to express one’s worldview. A shared understanding that emerged from the Sharing Circles was the notion of reclaiming one’s matriarchy or Clan Mother teachings. Rematriating identities and reclaiming the gifts that generations of grandmothers left for us includes being agents of change and embracing resurgence—making a difference to help transform the systems we work in for the future betterment of Indigenous children within education. Centre ~ Inner Fire ~ iskotew ~ Survivance Embers ~ ᐸᐦᑭᑌᐤ pahkitêw Embers in my heart Connect me to the trails my ancestors walked Prairie soil walked upon by bare feet 78 My ancestors travelling with embers Placed in my heart Not to be forgotten … fire always lit Fierce and burning brightly Heat reminding me Continue to walk for those yet to come The centre where the inner fire resides is referred to as volition, will, or the spiritual centre in medicine wheels that have centres. The inner fire within this theoretical framework respects the survivance. It needs to be nurtured to ensure survivance and surthrivance. Survivance is described by scholar Leilani Sabzalian as “Native people’s power to refuse colonial scripts of erasure or victimization, and instead creatively confront, resist, decentre, disrupt, and transform those scripts in various ways, big and small” (Sabzalian, 2019, p. 4). Surthrivance involves moving beyond survivance to a state in which Indigenous Peoples exert their self-determination wholistically so they can be their sovereign selves. It is each person’s responsibility to ensure their wheel is in balance and always in motion, so that their inner fire remains lit. This is hard and deeply personal work, as the inner fire is connected to the four domains and seven directions and is impacted when the wheel is tilted. My good friend and guide Davita Marsden has shared with me, “We use volition (fire) to twist the wheel” (D. Marsden, personal communication, February 2022). As we twist, “we shift the wheel depending on the medicine you need” (D. Marsden, personal communication, February 2022). Using volition to twist and shift the wheel requires one to be aware of one’s inner state. A good friend shared with me several years ago, “Take care of your wholism” (L. Prince, personal 79 conversation, June 2022). Taking care of one’s wholism requires that one make the time to nourish the four domains daily. Each leader has their own teachings in regards to what it means to care for their spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual development, based on the teachings from their Nations, Elders, kinship, and the lands to which they are connected. This means living, leading, and being a whole person where we can— just be, believe, behave and be agents of change. The work of keeping the balance and nourishing the inner fire in educational organizations is challenging in that we do not often bring our spiritual ceremonies into educational spaces, and some are not meant to reside in such spaces. The work of keeping the balance and nourishing the inner fire is work that is accomplished outside of educational organizations. It takes place within communities and ceremonies. This work is done in relationship with our human and non-human relatives. The teachings and gifts received from this work are brought back into educational spaces and shared wherever it is appropriate. Some spiritual knowledge is not meant to be shared, but knowledge that can be shared is of great benefit to those who witness and receive it. Leaders are constantly searching to find medicine within the system that will help keep the balance and nourish the inner fire. Indigenous women leaders understand they need to be balanced and well, so they can give back to the children, families, communities, and Nations they serve. They rely on their traditional and contemporary teachings to ground themselves, and they seek out those in the system who recognize that their work is challenging. These people may include allied mentors and Indigenous sisters in the system with whom they are safe to share their stories and experience, and who provide them with the space to “just be” the matriarchs or 80 Clan Mothers they are or are becoming. Additionally, these mentors and sisters provide protection and guidance on how to navigate within and outside of the educational system. Keeping the inner fire lit in educational organizations is essential for the continued transformation of the system itself, and for the survival and success of Indigenous children in education. Children see the inner fire within, and it gives them hope to continue their own journey of self-determination. The wheel can become unbalanced and slowed to a stop by individuals who work in educational systems, and by the system itself. External factors experienced by Indigenous women leaders can tilt the wheel and can dim their inner fire. As mentioned earlier, external factors include experiencing lateral violence or internalized racism. Racism can and does severely impact the wholistic development of Indigenous women leaders. These external factors threaten the survivance and surthrivance of Indigenous women in educational systems. I have reviewed the mainstream literature on leadership and the growing literature for Indigenous leadership and Indigenous leadership models used by several Indigenous scholars. This review has helped to articulate where there is shared common terrain between mainstream and Indigenous leadership research, but also where the fields of studies diverge. The Indigenous leadership models provided a foundation to describe how medicine wheels have been used as a theoretical framework in Indigenous leadership within the post-secondary context. The medicine wheel has been adapted and used by many Indigenous Nations and scholars to construct meaning-making across diverse disciplines and field of studies. The Surthrivance leadership model is based on the traditional and nêhiyaw medicine wheels. It is enhanced using Indigenous wholistic and decolonizing theory to analyze Indigenous women’s leadership experience in the K-12 educational system. 81 Chapter 4: Methodology The act of research is a relational endeavor! In nehiyo culture stories are never one and done, they come to us when we need them. —Margaret Kovach, personal communication, March 25, 2021 Re/searcher’s Story As a nêhiyaw-Michif researcher and scholar it was important to centre my research on an Indigenous research paradigm, supported by Indigenous theories and Indigenous methodologies. I have learned in my undergraduate and now graduate work the importance of the interconnections in research as a relational endeavor, as stated by esteemed researcher Dr. Margaret Kovach. Indigenous research requires the use of methodologies that centre relationships so that knowledge can emerge and be shared between the Knowledge Seeker (re/searcher) and Knowledge Holders (relatives) and be a benefit for future generations. The research process is also about decolonizing self and has required me to begin to the search back to myself—miskasowin—as nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew. As Maori scholar Linda Tuhiwai Smith posits, “The concept of ‘searching’ is embedded in our worldviews” (Smith, 2012, p. 202). Within the searching I re-remember the stories of my nêhiyawak ancestors and continue to gather and tell stories as I re-story myself. This is part of the decolonization process I have undertaken, as an iskwew first and secondly as a re/searcher in search of myself and in search of knowledge. So, my research is a journey into self, but more importantly, it is a journey of searching for the stories of Indigenous women leading in decolonizing educational systems. Our collective storying together will be a gift to the future generations of Indigenous leaders who will have to 82 enter systems not constructed to receive them well, or perhaps not even see them for who they are and the abundance of gifts they bring to the education system. Decolonization ~ Raised Consciousness ~ miskâsowin My journey into higher education has put me on a personal path of understanding decolonization, raised consciousness, and miskâsowin for my own life and the work and research I do. This journey has had an immense impact on how I view research and my role within the process. I have learned that to do research in a miyo (good) way I must continue to decolonize my thoughts and actions. I must trust that who I am and where I come from count, and do inform how I see myself in the world. This is what makes Indigenous research unique. Indigenous researchers are accountable not only to the research process, but to the communities they come from and the people they are re/searching with. As I continue to remove the layers of colonialism, the process has me “searching” to continue to make sense of who I am as a nêhiyaw/Métis iskwew researcher and leader. The search for self-in-relation/s to who I am and where I come from is guiding me to a deeper understanding of the struggle we face as Indigenous researchers. As Smith (2012) contends, “Searching for solutions is very much part of the struggle to survive; it is represented within our own ‘traditions’ for example, through creation stories, values and practices” (p. 202). The struggle to survive in the academy as an Indigenous researcher, where there are very few to connect with, is a hard and solitary journey. I am extremely grateful for Chris Stewart and Davita Marsden, my doctoral sisters, who are also on this journey with me. Indigenous people survive through relationship to the collective and I am very grateful for those few who are surviving and guiding me as I continue my search. 83 Indigenous researchers who centre their own worldview within their research paradigm must address decolonization in relation to their research. The works of Indigenous scholars such as Linda Tuwahi Smith (Maori), Poka Laenui (Hawaiian), Shawn Wilson (Cree), and Margaret Kovach (Cree/Saulteaux) have informed my understanding of decolonization, raised consciousness, and miskâsowin, and how important this understanding is to the Indigenous research process. Smith (2012) posits that decolonization from a Maori perspective is a process or struggle framed within five conditions: (1) critical consciousness; (2) reimagining the world and our position in it as Indigenous people, dreaming alternatives; (3) intersection of ideas, events, and history where opportunities can arise; (4) disrupting the status quo; and (5) concept of structure in relation to imperialism and power relations (Smith, 2012). This process that Smith (2012) describes in her book is one that I have been undergoing since my children were born and I began my master’s studies. My need to learn more about the history and cultural ways of my people is the “action” I need to engage in. It is not that I did not know who I was and where I came from, but that I needed to learn to live by the values and beliefs of my nêhiyaw worldview and engage in spiritual practices that I have been consistently out of practice doing for most of my life. Critical consciousness, as described by Smith, and “conscientization,” as described by Paulo Friere (2012) in his work, are similar in that they demand that individuals act. Conscientization as a push for action, according to Friere, is only achieved when an individual understands injustice and how it works. Similarly, Smith’s critical consciousness requires one to act when one is awoken from their hegemonic coma. These scholars discuss consciousness as being essential for Indigenous Peoples if change is to occur through either through struggle or direct action. In contrast, esteemed Maori scholar Graham Smith, quoted in Linda Smith’s (2012) Decolonizing Methodologies, states that “participation in 84 struggle can and often does come before a raised consciousness” (p. 200). Struggle with injustice therefore leads to a raised consciousness and the willingness to take direct action to affect change. Hawaiian scholar and activist Poka Laenui (2000), like Linda Smith, suggests there are five phases to decolonization, being the following: “(1) Rediscovery and Recovery, (2) Mourning, (3) Dreaming, (4) Commitment, and (5) Action. Each phase can be experienced at the same time or in various combinations” (p. 2). The decolonization process as described by Laenui is very similar to Smith’s work as they both begin with “awakening” and dreaming alternatives to colonization, and acting. I like Laenui’s understanding of decolonization as it is not linear in its progression, but is rather a fluid process that is dependent on the individual. Similarly, Smith’s understanding of decolonization is that it is a process or a struggle with multiple conditions, and is not necessarily achieved through a step-by-step orientation. Laenui’s and Smith’s work contend that decolonization requires individuals to become awakened by knowing what they have lost, dreaming new realities, and taking action to ensure those realities are achieved. I am currently living and researching a reimagined world, where my own dreams are a form of knowledge and inform how I go forth in the world as a nêhiyaw/Métis iskwew. The intersections of ideas, events, and history are contained not only in the physical realm but in the dream realm as well. As stated in Kovach’s work (2009), within “Plains Cree culture, teachings come from many places” (p. 50), and within “Plains Cree knowledges dreams matter” (p. 58). Dreams are a form of knowledge that disrupts the status quo of what is known as legitimate knowledge, and provide the dreamer with infinite possibilities. Our dreams cannot be contained, and know no boundaries, unlike the physical world we currently exist in. I have always known 85 that dreams are significant and very purposeful for the nêhiyawak People. It was not until I began my master’s studies, began to make connections with other Indigenous scholars who were nêhiyaw, and read works of Indigenous scholars who wrote about dream knowledge, that my understandings were reaffirmed. Using an Indigenous research paradigm with Indigenous methodologies disrupts the hegemony of research which is dominated by Western knowledge and forms of research. Engaging in research where my nêhiyaw worldview is centred and methodologies are congruent with nêhiyaw epistemology is crucial to continuing the journey of miskâsowin (going to the centre of yourself to find your own belonging). Choosing to continue the journey of miskâsowin, like many of the Indigenous scholars and leaders before me, will continue to help advance Indigenous research and leadership and thus challenge Western forms of research and Western leadership models. Assumptions The definition of “assumption” by Merriam-Webster is “the act of laying claim to or taking possession of something” (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). Using this definition of assumption regarding my doctoral work is hard as I cannot “lay claim or take possession of something” that is not mine to begin with; I can only speak to the truth of what I know and have experienced as a nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew. Indigenous Knowledges are to be experienced, and the creation of knowledge is acquired through a process that is relational. Knowledge construction, from an Indigenous perspective, can neither be claimed nor owned due its relational aspect and its interconnection with nature. Shawn Wilson (2008) posits that within an Indigenous paradigm, “[k]nowledge is seen as belonging to the cosmos of which we are a part and where researchers 86 are only the interpreters of this knowledge” (p. 38). So, this journey into research is reframed by Absolon (2011) as a “search”; I am searching to understand who I am as a nêhiyaw-Métis iskwew re/searcher, so I may share with other Indigenous re/searchers who have yet to take up the search. There is much I do not know yet and so much more I need to know. There is much to experience and reflect on as well. My journey and search into Indigenous research have taken me home and the process was a wholistically satisfying one. I not sure if this will be the case for the other searchers (Indigenous researchers) who may be on a similar pathway. My understanding of how we come to know, as Indigenous researchers, is that who we are and where we come from does “matter” (Absolon, 2011, p. 10) and gives us a sense of direction in the “process of acquiring knowledge” (p. 10). Every Indigenous researcher’s search for knowledge and understanding is unique. However, what does unite us as Knowledge Seekers is that the journey provides a wholistic experience that balances our mind, body, heart, and spirit (Absolon, 2011). My research explores seven Indigenous women’s current experiences as leaders within the education systems they are a part of. Most are in formal leadership roles, such as administrators and teacher leaders. They are responsible for the direction of Indigenous Education, except for one, who is an executive director but still focuses on education. Research Design and Methods The research design was qualitative and utilized Indigenous methods, being the Conversational Method and Sharing Circles, to collect the stories (data). As a Knowledge Seeker I used the Conversational Method (Kovach, 2021) to collect stories by facilitating two group Sharing Circles and seven one-to-one Conversational Method 87 sessions. The individual Conversational Method sessions were separate from the two group Sharing Circles. All the sessions took place on Zoom due to COVID-19 restrictions, virtually across British Columbia and in the comfort of the Knowledge Holder’s home. Each Knowledge Holder found spaces that were both comfortable and quiet for participation in the conversations. As the Knowledge Seeker, I opened the first Sharing Circle with a land acknowledgement acknowledging the unceded and ancestral lands of the Musqueam People, as I was in Vancouver, British Columbia. This was followed by a prayer conducted by Davita Marsden, who also shared Circle protocol with the Knowledge Holders. The second Sharing Circle was conducted on Musqueam territory and opened with a land acknowledgement. I shared the song “Gathering Strength” by Elder Gerry Oleman of the St’at’imc Nation. The Knowledge Holders were encouraged to burn sacred medicines in honour of the group being together in a virtual Sharing Circle. These methods were used to collect the stories/narratives (data) of Indigenous women leaders and provide a space where they could feel safe to truthfully voice their opinions and experiences about leading in decolonizing education systems, without fear of retribution. To protect the identity of the Knowledge Holders who shared their stories and lived experiences, each was given a pseudonym. I ensured that data collected through the Conversational Method and Sharing Circles had all identifiable information and all direct/indirect identifiers removed and replaced with a code. Sharing Circles Sharing Circles (Hunt & Young, 2021; Lavallée, 2009; Rothe et al., 2009; Tachine et al., 2016) have been used within Indigenous Nations and communities since time immemorial to convey stories and lived experiences. As a research method this respects the cultural traditions of 88 Indigenous Peoples in that it is “open-structured, conversational style methodology that respects story sharing” (Tachine et al., 2016, p. 278). The use of this method for data collection honours the oral tradition of many Nations and is culturally relevant. To gather in circle and share either stories or one’s lived experience provides both space and time to honour cultural traditions and kinship relations. Sharing Circles are respectful in that everyone who enters is equal and can bring their whole selves and share their truth in a safe space. The circle is often opened with a prayer by an Elder or guide, and the exchange of a gift is given prior to beginning the work. This exchange of a gift acknowledges the agreement of sharing one’s truth between the Knowledge Seeker and the Knowledge Holders. Accepting the gift demonstrates those within the circle agree to tell their tapwe (truth). Conversational Method The Conversational Method (Kovach, 2010, 2021) is congruent with an Indigenous paradigm and is a method of gathering knowledge that honours Indigenous Peoples’ oral storytelling tradition. It is relational and reciprocal, as storying together is meaning-making for both the Knowledge Seeker and Knowledge Holders, who engage in this method as a way of sharing knowledge. This method allows for the Knowledge Seeker to be both relational and reflexive, self-in-relation/s. The Conversational Method honours the orality of the ancestors and my own voice as it “evokes stories, our own and others” and weaves “together generations of collective memory, embodying the historical, spiritual, social, and spatial” (Kovach, 2010, p. 47). Our stories flow and hang in flux that no time can capture; timeless and always present. Kovach (2010) posits that this method is not unique to Indigenous methodologies as it can be found within Western qualitative research practice. The Conversational Method, when 89 used within an Indigenous paradigm, is viewed differently and has very distinctive characteristics not captured within the Conversational Method utilized in Western qualitative research. The unique characteristics of the Conversational Method as used within the Indigenous paradigm are summarized by Kovach: a) it is linked to a particular tribal epistemology (or knowledge) and situated within an Indigenous paradigm; b) it is relational; c) it is purposeful (most often involving a decolonizing aim); d) it involves particular protocol as determined by the epistemology and/or place; e) it involves an informality and flexibility; f) it is collaborative and dialogic; and g) it is reflexive. (Kovach, 2010, p. 43). The Conversational Method, when nestled within an Indigenous paradigm, can honour “core Indigenous research values of respect, relevancy, reciprocity, and responsibility” (Kovach, 2010, p. 45). This method achieves the four R’s, as it focuses on the relationships between the Knowledge Seeker and Knowledge Holders as they co-create meaning through the sharing of stories. Valuing the relational and relationships is a very important concept. It is crucial to me as a researcher that I honor the nêhiyaw pimatisiwin (good life) and is enacted as miyo-wicehtowin (good relations). The co-creation of knowledge between the Knowledge Seeker and Holders ensures that the research process is relevant, as each will be able to share their own tapwewin (truth) and their own understanding of what it means to live a good life from the viewpoint of their respective Nations. A nêhiyaw protocol of offering tobacco to those from whom you seek knowledge of the truth “is bound in a sacred commitment” (Kovach, 2009, p. 102). When the tobacco is offered and accepted, “they are saying that they will tell the truth as they know it. They are bound in the presence of the Creator as witness to speak from the heart, to speak their 90 truth” (p. 102). The traditional offering of tobacco acknowledges that both the Knowledge Seeker (re/searcher) and the Knowledge Holder (co-creators) understand they have a reciprocal responsibility to each other to engage in the research in a miyo (good) way. At the outset of this research project, it was my intention to honour the Conversational Method of data collection by meeting with the Knowledge Holders face to face in a space that was comfortable for them, either within their own homes or another space that offered comfort. However, this was not to be the case, because of COVID-19 and pandemic restrictions that were put into place by the provincial health officer. It was no longer safe to meet with the Knowledge Holders face to face. COVID-19 restrictions forced me to change my data collection plans as of March 13, 2020, and I was granted permission by UBC to hold my Conversational Method data collection online via Zoom. I was disappointed that I was unable to meet with the Knowledge Keepers face to face. However, the whole process worked out as all seven Knowledge Holders gave me permission to record both the group and individual sessions that were held via Zoom. Research Approach to Ethics I approached my research project from the concept of the “Two-Eyed Seeing” by Mi’kmaw Elder Albert Marshall (Bartlett, et. al, 2012) regarding the ethics process at UBC (Bell, 2016). I was prepared, as Marshall says, to see from one eye with the strengths of Indigenous knowledges and way of knowing, and from the other eye with the strengths of Western knowledges and ways of knowing, and learning to using both of these eyes together, for the benefit of all. (Bartlett et al., 2012, p. 335) 91 I viewed the process from both eyes when completing my ethics application—trying to meet the Western requirements of ethics of the Behavioural Research Ethics Board (BREB) at the University of British Columbia (Western eye) but also honouring my Indigenous understanding of ethics (nêhiyaw eye), which are the four R’s of Indigenous philosophy, relationality, nêhiyaw protocol and way of being in the world, and the Seven Grandfather Teachings. I braided all of these teachings into a bundle, carried them with great respect, and allowed them to guide me in the process. I had to complete the Tri-Council Policy Statement: Ethical Conduct for Research Involving Humans course tutorial5 before beginning my online application. The entire BREB online application was a long and arduous process which required several revisions over the course of a year. I have been gifted teachings of how I should care for “all of our relations,” both non-human and human. The teaching of wahkotowin provides me with instruction that there are no hierarchies or power dynamics amongst all of creation. The nêhiyaw concept of wahkotowin (Campbell, 2007; Cardinal & Hilderbrandt, 2000; Greyeyes & Vipond, 2022; Macdougall, 2010; McAdam, 2015; O’Reilly-Scanlon et al., 2004; Wildcat, 2018) translates in English as “being kinship or being related to each other … to your human and other than human relatives” (Wildcat, 2018, p. 14). The concept is interrelated with another nêhiyaw concept and teaching of miyo-wicehtowin, “meaning ‘having or possessing good relations’ … and being in … positive or good relations in all relationships, be it individually or collectively with other peoples” (Wildcat, 2018, p. 14). As a natural law, nêhiyawak people are instructed to take good care and be in good relations with all our relatives. Using the four R’s of 5 Panel on Research Ethics (2018). 92 Indigenous philosophy and the two nêhiyaw natural laws/protocols as a guide for caring and maintaining relationships is foundational, and is the sole reason I was able to do the research I wanted to do. The seven Grandfather Teachings—humility, truth, honesty, love, respect, wisdom, and courage—were the guiding pathway for maintaining the relational ethics of the research, and a crucial reminder of how I should behave in relation with my relatives. A nêhiyaw protocol is to offer tobacco when seeking knowledge, and if it is accepted a sacred agreement is formed in which both the giving and receiving individuals understand they will speak their truth as they know it. I have known the Knowledge Holders and relatives I invited into this process for several years, and have very strong relationships with them both personally and professionally. When we view ourselves according to the Indigenous worldview of “we are all related,” then there is no hierarchy for us to be placed in, but rather we are family, our spirits connected and bound with the understanding we have a responsibility to care for each other in a good way through miyo-wicehtowin—good relationships. My nêhiyaw understanding of wahkotowin and miyo-wicehtowin, and applying it in relation to the Knowledge Holders, allowed me to view them as being beyond mere “vulnerable” research subjects and participants over whom I have power, but as thriving matriarchs and Clan Mothers in training. It is through our kinship relationship that I was able to learn and to gather the knowledge to do my research for the future betterment of Indigenous women who have yet to lead in the systems we all currently occupy. Participant Profile This study included a small sample size of seven Knowledge Holders: two teacher leaders and five administrators. All have experience working within the K-12 education system. 93 Of the seven Knowledge Holders, six of the seven are currently working in the K-12 education system, while the seventh occupies a position within the post-secondary field. This study focused on the experiences of six Indigenous women leaders within the K-12 system and one with both K-12 and post-secondary experience—those working on the ground in the classrooms, and those in middle and upper management. I identified women whom I considered to be leading in the K-12 system and a post-secondary setting not by title alone but by the transformative change their work has accomplished. It was important to have a cross-section of experienced women currently working and leading within the system, and those working alongside. Seeking knowledge from those in the classroom, as well as from administrative and upper management personnel, allows for comparison of experiences within the entire system. Table 4 shows the seven Knowledge Holders and their respective fields of work. Six of them worked within school districts, public and post-secondary, across British Columbia, and one at an educational organization. Pseudonyms are used for the Knowledge Holders’ names, school districts, and organizations to ensure confidentiality and anonmity. The anonymity of the Knowledge Holders was protected by ensuring that physical, administrative, technical, and research design safeguards were put in place. The data was secured in a locked filing cabinet away from easy access by the public. The administrative safeguard was that only the researcher had direct access to the partipants’ information, helping to protect privacy and confidentiality. The technical safeguards included using a computer that was password protected, with firewalls and anti-virus software (Toronto Metropolitan University, 2017) for the duration of the research. The electronic data was protected by encryption and a password. Lastly, the research safeguards included “anonymizing information, transcribing raw data as soon as possible, storing de-94 identitifed data separately from coding list, shredding all hard copy copies with sensitive information as soon as feasible” (Toronto Metropolitan University, 2017, p. 5). Table 4 Knowledge Holders by Their Symbolic Names, Positions, and Education Credentials Name Position Education Credential Eagle ~ Love Administrator Master’s Degree Beaver ~ Wisdom Administrator Master’s Degree Buffalo ~ Respect Educator Master’s Degree Turtle ~Truth Educator Master’s Degree Wolf ~ Humility Administrator (retired) Master’s Degree Bear ~ Courage Administrator Master’s Degree Bigfoot ~ Honesty Administrator Master’s Degree Participants were recruited through kinship relations and Indigenous sisterhood connections; I accessed their work emails to communicate directly to them about the research project. Drawing on Indigenous relationality, I reached out directly to Indigenous women I have known for years and who I consider to be both sisters or aunties and exceptional leaders within education. Data Collection This study involved Sharing Circles and the Conversational Method via Zoom as data collection methods (Kovach, 2021). These methods are both congruent with Indigenous research and my own nêhiyaw-Michif worldview. The main difference between Sharing Circles and the Conversational Method is that one is a collective group experience while the latter is one-to-one. 95 However, both methods honour the four R’s of Indigenous research, being respect, relevance, reciprocity, and responsibility. The participants are addressed as Knowledge Holders in this research project as I approached them seeking knowledge of their experience leading as Indigenous women in decolonizing education systems. I positioned myself as a Knowledge Seeker, one in search of knowledge through relations. All the participants are Indigenous women currently teaching and leading in the educational field, with the expection of the one retired leader, and six have experience leading in the K-12 and one in both K-12/post-secondary education systems in British Columbia. They all work in different school districts or educational organizations. Potential participants were contacted via their public work emails, accessed from school district websites, between January 2020 and May 2020, and invited to become a part of the learning journey. The email invitation asked them to review the participation letter (see Appendix B: Participation Letter) and consent form (see Appendix C: Consent Form). I asked them to email their signed consent form back to me if they agreed to join the journey. Once I had received the signed consent forms back from all seven Knowledge Holders, I proceeded to schedule gathering times for the two group Sharing Circles and the individual Conversational Method sessions. I initially planned to meet with the group face to face but had to transition to meetings via Zoom due to COVID-19 restrictions that were put in place as of March 2020. The Knowledge Holders were interviewed in (a) two group Sharing Circle sessions, which lasted 180 minutes each, and (b) one individual follow-up Conversational Method session of 90 minutes with each of the Knowledge Holders. (See Appendix A: Sharing Circle Protocols and Questions for Participants.) 96 A Sharing Circle protocol was established and used in the Sharing Circle session. It provided everyone with guidelines as to how we would spend our time together. I encouraged the Knowledge Holders to share their truths of their experience by telling their stories. The gatherings took place online in June and July of 2020. Prior to the beginning of the online gathering sessions, the Knowledge Holders were reminded of their signed informed consent and that all information would remain confidential. Each participant consented to the use of a pseudonym in the research at the first online gathering meeting. Timeline of Sessions The data collection using the Conversational Method via Zoom took place in late June and early July of 2020. I used the Doodle app to schedule meetings with all the Knowledge Holders. The initial plan was to hold two Zoom sessions, three hours in length, with all seven Knowledge Holders as a group, and then hold 90-minute individual sessions. Knowledge Holders Beaver and Turtle did not attend Sharing Circle 1 or Sharing Circle 2. However, due to scheduling conflicts and year-end work responsibilities for some of the Knowledge Holders, I had to be flexible and schedule other sessions for them to attend. A summary of the Sharing Circles and Conversational Method sessions is given below in Table 5. This table includes the session dates, the participants in each session, and the questions addressed. 97 Table 5 Sharing Circles: Dates, Participants, and Questions Date Participants Question Topic(s) Addressed Sharing Circle 1 June 23, 2020 (180 minutes) Bigfoot, Turtle, Buffalo, Eagle, and Bear • Survivance in Leading Sharing Circle 2 June 25, 2020 (180 minutes) Turtle, Buffalo, and Bear • Self-Determination • Sovereignty in Leading Conversational Method Sessions Via Zoom July 2020 (90 minutes each) Bigfoot, Turtle, Buffalo, Eagle, and Bear • Leadership Journey July 2020 (90 minutes each) Beaver and Wolf • Leadership Journey • Survivance in Leading • Self-Determination and Sovereignty Sharing Circle 1: June 23, 2020 Sharing Circle 1 was attended by the following Knowledge Holders: Bigfoot, Turtle, Buffalo, Eagle, and Bear. We started the Zoom session at 5 p.m. and I began by acknowledging traditional territory and thanked everyone for joining the virtual circle. I followed circle teachings protocol by having my guide Davita Marsden, who is trained in the Midewiwin, present to open the circle. Davita began the session with a prayer, and provided circle teachings and protocols to ground the group for the work ahead. She instructed us to share our truths in a good way based on respect for each other in the circle. Additionally, she asked that we listen to each other in a non-judgmental way and hold space for each other’s words and emotions. Once the instructions were shared, I virtually gifted each woman with a gift bag that contained medicines—tobacco, sage, a necklace, and a blanket. The medicines offered were ones 98 that I grew (tobacco) and picked (sage). The exchange of tobacco acknowledged a sacred agreement in the circle to share truthful words of one’s experience leading. This understanding was shared, and when received by each woman accepting the gift, they agreed and understood they would share their own truth as they knew it. We proceeded with a round of introductions. I introduced myself first and thanked each Knowledge Holder for joining the circle. I shared how I positioned myself in the research as a Knowledge Seeker and the Knowledge Holders as co-collaborators in the knowledge creation that would emerge from the virtual sessions. I shared the five R’s—respect, relevance, reciprocity, responsibility, and relationships—that would ground and guide my research ethics and research process. I reminded each woman to hold something sacred, as Davita had instructed during the opening of the circle. We completed one round of introductions and then moved to the survivance in leading questions. I provided a definition of survivance from Leilani Sabzalian’s work Indigenous Children’s Survivance in Public Schools (2019) as a prompt for discussion and encouraged the Knowledge Holders to share how they understood it based on the questions discussed in the session. I used the chat function in Zoom so that everyone could follow which question was up next. The circle order was determined by when each women joined the Zoom call at the beginning of the session. We completed all six of the questions, repeating each round with a question. The Knowledge Holders passed their sacred objects and named the person who they were passing to when they finished what they had to share. The entire session lasted three hours. I closed the circle by thanking the women for their time and participation. I also reminded them to reach out to family, Elders, and support through 99 the First Nations Health Authority if they felt they needed someone to speak to after the session, as some Knowledge Holders became emotional when telling their stories. Sharing Circle 2: June 25, 2020 Sharing Circle 2 was attended by the following Knowledge Holders: Turtle, Buffalo, and Bear. I opened the circle by acknowledging traditional territory and reminded the Knowledge Holders of the circle protocol teachings shared in group session 1 by Davita Marsden. I then shared a drum song titled “Gathering Strength,” which was gifted to the public to sing by Elder Gerry Oleman of the St’at’imc Nation. I shared this song to remind each one of us that we need to continually gather our individual and collective strength to do the work we do in education. Given the emotions shared in group session 1, I wanted to acknowledge and honour the collective pain experienced when we tell our stories and provide grounding and healing for our spirits moving forward. Once grounded, we proceeded to the questions on self-determination and sovereignty. I acknowledged at the outset that we all have our own understanding of what is meant by self-determination and sovereignty. I expressed I was interested in how they understood the terms in relation to their understanding of leadership, and whether the two intersected. The session proceeded in the same way as the previous session two days earlier, with two rounds and two questions. The session lasted a total of three hours. I again told the women I loved them and thanked them for helping me in my own learning as a leader and a Knowledge Seeker (re/searcher). Their stories are important, and I had much gratitude for the strength and fierceness that each one of them embodied. 100 Data Analysis The Conversational Method sessions and Sharing Circle transcripts were reviewed through the data process of thematic analysis using a sematic approach (Braun & Clarke, 2012). I began by listening to the recorded sessions several times and reviewing the transcriptions to get a sense of the overall data collected. I kept field notes as I went along. All the Zoom sessions were recorded, downloaded into a Word file, and saved on my computer. All the recorded Zoom sessions—both group and individual—were sent to two professional transcribers who reviewed all data sources and transcribed. Once they completed the transcription work, they sent me the finalized documentation, encrypted. All documents were then inputted into NVivo, a qualitative data analysis computer software, to code, sort, and synthesize the data. The analyzed data produced thirty-three codes which have been organized in alphabetical order and presented in Table 6, below: 101 Table 6 Round 1 Coding (Alphabetical by Column) Belonging Independence Perfect Stranger Body Sovereignty Internalized Racism Powerless Collusion Lateral Violence Racism Complicit Loneliness Safety in Place Emotions Matriarch Seven Sacred Teachings Exhaustion Mentors Shape Shifting Extra Work Multiple Responsibilities Status Quo Finding Voice Navigating Stories Generosity Not Seen/Enough Supporters Identity No Voice Survivors Ignorance Only One Wholistic As I began to review the codes, I observed some duplication and began to collapse some codes within other codes to create themes. I regrouped my themes within my theoretical framework. Table 7, below, shows a breakdown of the codes after further analysis. 102 Table 7 Round 2 Coding (Grouped by Themes Within the Surthrivance Framework) Surthrivance Framework Themes Spiritual: Reclaiming Belonging, Body Sovereignty, Matriarch, Identity, Wholistic Emotional: Refusal Emotions, Powerless, Ignorance, Internalized Racism Physical: Resurgence Seven Sacred Teachings, Generosity, Exhaustion (Extra Work), Multiple Responsibilities, Perfect Stranger, Navigating, Mentors Mental: Resistance Status Quo, Shape Shifting, Independence Inner Fire: Survivance Racism, Lateral Violence, Not Enough (No Voice, Not Seen), Only One, Finding Voice, Stories The codes and themes are further grouped together in three categories labelled in Table 8 on p. 104 as Keeping the Balance, Nourishing the Fire, and Fire Dimmed. The three major categories were labelled as such when I further analyzed the codes. It became apparent that some of the codes speak to the internal work—the personal work of wholistic development—and are labelled under the title Keeping the Balance. Other codes, such as Nourishing the Fire, rely on our connection to the land, animals, and mentors/guides who nourish our fire and help to keep it burning brightly. The Fire Dimmed category speaks to the external factors that impact one’s wholistic balance and, in fact, dim one’s spiritual fire. The codes that speak to Keeping the Balance are about constant ongoing work that is personal to the leader’s survival in the system. The codes listed under Nourishing the Fire are actions taken by leaders themselves; these actions, as well as the assistance of their mentors and guides, help them stay in the system. The 103 Fire Dimmed category speaks to the external factors that leaders experience within their work environment and the organizations where they lead. The external factors can and do play a key role in whether a leader surthrives in a system or whether their fire is put out entirely and they leave the system to survive. Table 8 Round 3 Coding (Grouped by Three Major Themes) Keeping the Balance Wheel in Motion ~ Internal factors Nourishing the Fire Keeping the Fire Lit ~ Burning Brightly Extinguishing the Fire Wheel Tilted ~ External Factors Body Sovereignty Matriarch Identity Navigating Emotions Finding Voice Stories Wholistic Cultural Teachings Generosity Mentors Independence Exhaustion Multiple Responsibilities Shape Shifting Perfect Stanger Powerless Ignorance Internalized Racism Status Quo Racism Lateral Violence Not Enough Only One The personal work of Indigenous women embodying their leadership and living it every day is what keeps the balance and wheel in motion. This work honours who they are and where they come from: their lineages, cultural practices, values, and beliefs that emerge from the Nations they are membered to and citizens of. It is understood that to keep the balance and wheel in motion as Indigenous women, many of us, including the women who shared their stories in this dissertation, are in the process of reclaiming, resurging, refusing, resisting, and surviving in 104 educational systems where they are often the “only one.” They are keeping the balance and the iskotew (fire) lit. The iskotew, shown in the colour green in the nêhiyawak medicine wheel, represents one’s volition, meaning one’s inner will. The fire within the centre of the Surthrivance leadership model represents a leader’s survivance. It is a responsibility we assume and fight for because we understand as matriarchs in training that we must persist, and sometimes resist, for the children yet to come. It is our responsibility, even while working in these systems, to retain who we are as Indigenous women so we may pass on the teachings of language and culture we have been gifted to the next seven generations of Indigenous children to come. An important part of completing the analysis was writing up the findings (data stories). In order to honour reciprocity, a first draft of the Knowledge Holders’ stories was gifted back to them so they could review what had been written and advise if any revisions were to be made. In the second round of revisions, I asked the Knowledge Holders to review their stories again to ensure that anonymity was preserved. I also asked for additional feedback if they wished to provide it. One Knowledge Holder followed up with me to make revisions to her story, which I did. Limitations of Study The goal of this study is to make visible the experience of Indigenous women leading in decolonizing education systems. The research presented is not meant to generalize Indigenous women’s leadership experiences so that the findings can be applied broadly and compared to others’ leadership experiences; rather, this research provides space for experiences and voices that have not yet been heard. 105 One assumption of the study might be that as Indigenous women our experiences could be seen as the same, as we are all Indigenous women. However, the seven Knowledge Holders (participants) and I, as the Knowledge Seeker (researcher), come from different Nations with different languages, cultural traditions, and histories. The lands that we come from inform us who we are and where we come from in regard to how we view leadership and how we navigate colonial systems. 106 Chapter 5: The Stories (Data) ~ Eagle, Beaver, and Buffalo These stories have been shared with me, with much respect I gathered them up as a Knowledge Seeker carrying them and caring for them, as they have been gifted to me. This responsibility is great, and I take carrying the stories very seriously, and caring for their truth as it has been shared with me.These are the stories of Love, Wisdom and Respect as matriarchs or those in the making and their surthrivance experiences in decolonizing education systems. Spiralling in on the Stories of Survival: Gathering Knowledge ReMatriating nohkom Why must we struggle so much nohkom? Surviving in this world is hard and cruel Our brown bodies devalued Wounded and scarred Your love has sustained me We spoke little in each other’s presence Silent glances of reassurance love I miss your warm brown eyes love 107 Your survival has become mine love I will be seen and heard for who I am Survivance Surthrivance nêhiyaw-Michif iskwew This chapter will communicate the experiences and stories that the Knowledge Holders shared in Sharing Circles and through the Conversational Method. They are stories of loneliness and surthrivance, stories of heartbreak and forever scarring experiences that cut and leave soul wounds. These stories often go unheard as it is common for Indigenous women to be “spoken at,” “spoken for,” or “spoken over” in decolonizing educational systems, where many of us are regulated to the margins of leadership. We reside in tokenized positions of administration or teacher leader positions, only called up to speak when it is a transactional benefit to the system. We have stories that we carry with us while we do our work as matriarchs, matriarchs in the making, or matriarchs in training. Stories of survival, when heard, can and will be a source of strength and beauty that can transform the systems we operate in and the children for whom we do our work. I will share each Knowledge Holder’s story using the spiral, as it will be the pathway of sharing their lived experience in leadership, and leads to the heart of their survival in decolonizing educational systems. The spiral has been found and used in many cultures globally to help explain different phenomenon and teachings in the world. It is a spiritual symbol within Indigenous cultures, and it has been broadly replicated in the physical form in different 108 disciplines of study. The spiral is also seen in nature and within the cosmos. Many scholars and thinkers have used the spiral as a symbol to represent and explain change, growth, and progression. Within Indigenous cultures, I have been taught the spiral is a spiritual journey and the energy of our life walk. We are constantly moving between our outer world, which is the physical, to the inner world, which is our spiritual core. Connecting our outer with our inner is deeply personal work that is undertaken daily. We spiral inward for survival and outwards in our surthrivance. As we are spiralling inwards, we are gathering our medicines, teachings, and the strength of our lived experience that becomes our story. The spiral is the interconnection of all things human and non-human on Mother Earth—our relationships, lived experiences, spirit/s, and the cosmos. When we go deep enough and our inner fire is still burning and sustained, we begin to spiral outwards to share the knowledge we have gathered, which is an act of reciprocity. The spiral seen in the model on p. 110 (Figure 11) will be used as a pathway to share each Knowledge Holder’s story and journey in leadership, and their fierce self-determination and survivance. The Gathering Spiral is shown in Figure 11, below: 109 Figure 11 Gathering Spiral Note: This graphic was created by Peggy Janicki for this dissertation. © Peggy Janicki, 2022 Memories of iskwew and Connection to Our Matriarchs and Clan Mothers Re-matriating We are our connections A Sisterhood of blood memory Seeped into our first mother Mother Earth Deeply connected to the land 110 Matriarchies before us Our mothers and their grandmothers before them Ancestors Embodied this bond It echoed in their conversations On the land and in the cosmos Past, present, future In ceremony In community Around the fire Laughter Wild and free Full of heart We remember this bond Living it Sisterhood connection Between Indigenous women Instinctual Feminine Fierce Natural The bond forms in the curve of our lips 111 Transformed into a smile Loud laughter escapes our mouths When the sparkles in our eyes connect We are Indigenous women Unrelenting Unapologetic Fierce Embracing Our beautiful brown bodies Re-matriating There are many stories of Indigenous women’s survival since time immemorial. This is the story of seven Knowledge Holders and their surthrivance within educational systems as leaders as they rematriate themselves into the future. They are daughters, sisters, mothers, aunties, cousins, grandmothers. They are Indigenous iskowew. Here I share my connections, a brief memory in time, and the stories they have gifted me with to help me on my own journey of coming to be. I have a responsibility as a re/searcher, writer, friend, and Indigenous sister to ensure what I am to share is their tapwe (truth), so I will do my best to uphold that. I care and must carry their words and knowledge well as they have gifted me their lived experiences in a good way. As I have been taught by mentors like Dr. Jo-Ann Archibald and Elder Larry Grant of the Musqueam Nation, you, as a reader, have a responsibility to receive the knowledge in a good 112 way—with an open heart and mind. You will take what you need in the moment as there are so many teachings that emerge from stories. Seven Grandfather Teachings: Gifts Well Received I will provide a brief poetic introduction of each Knowledge Holder and how I see them envisioning and embodying the Seven Grandfather Teachings after which they are named in this research project. Here is how they have influenced my own leadership through our Indigenous sisterhood connection and our professional connection via work in education and leadership. I see them as seven sisters via the Seven Grandfather Teachings and how I have come to know them. Eagle Eagle ~ Love Love She flies high above others Wings spread widely Keen eye, sharp tongue She misses nothing Proud and majestic Protecting all. Eagle taught me the gift of love. She taught me to love myself as I have seen her love herself. One must love oneself unconditionally before one can love others. She has modelled this 113 in how she walks on her own path and the relationships she has formed with others. She soars majestically above in the sky, seeing the world with her bird’s-eye view, dropping down to Earth to bring messages when needed. We attended a Sundance ceremony together in the territory of the Kainai Nation (Blood Nation), where we learned what it means to love our relatives and the lands which we were invited to visit. We became sisters on this journey, both realizing to love others unconditionally we must lift them up first. We lift each other up and support each other as true sisters do. She is my older sister. Beaver Beaver ~ Wisdom Wisdom Wise Gathering and building Strong foundations Benefit to future generations Transforming structures Strong. Beaver slowly continues to build a sturdy foundation for Indigenous children with her steadfast readiness. She is diligent in her preparation and conscientious in her follow through. She is always taking care of others and looking out for younger Indigenous sisters and their families. Beaver has been both a role model and Indigenous sister to me since I first met her in 114 2013 when I was an Indigenous Education teacher. She is the reason I attended the Sundance in 2016. This was a life-changing event for me. Beaver is my big sister and I admire her fierceness. Buffalo Buffalo ~ Respect Respect Determined Relentless Light footed and young Strong in body and mind Unyielding Fierce. Buffalo is youthful and strong in her convictions, yet she is not afraid to speak her mind and create a pathway for those who need support. She is determined to make change for the right reasons for future generations. We met as new mothers to our second children, who are both girls and were only five months apart when we began our master’s studies at the University of British Columbia in 2012. We both raised our babies in the program and would often bring them to classes during our first summer of studies. Buffalo and I connected instantly as we knew the struggle of returning to school while nursing and caring for children who at the time were seven months and two months old. Our friendship and connection as both mothers and sisters are strong; she refers to me as her older sister. She is my younger sister. 115 Turtle Turtle ~ Truth Truth Hard to hear Shielding Soft inner Beautiful Complex and constant Survivor. Turtle has much strength as she carries much on her back, always advocating and pushing to make space for Indigenous ways of knowing and being within her work. She wears her protective shield with pride and does not let many get close to her. I first met her in my first master’s course with Dr. Marie Battiste. We sat next to each other. She was quiet and her silence made me uneasy. I would sit next to her every day, slowly summoning the courage to speak to her. By the end of the course, we became friends and realized we were enrolled in the same master’s program. In our many conversations she has taught me the importance of speaking one’s truth. She is constantly speaking back to the educational system, creating space for Indigenous students and Indigenous Knowledges and praxis. We are lifelong sisters. She is my older sister. 116 Wolf Wolf ~ Humility Humble Graceful Quiet Walks softly with purpose Sees from the shadows Circling Protecting. Wolf is finding her way alone in another’s territory. She was adopted and given a name by another Wolf family. She puts family first and is very social. I first met Wolf several years ago. My first impression of her was that she was very warm and accepting. She possesses an open heart and mind. We kept crossing paths within our work, and we always gravitated to one another as we understood the challenges of leading and working in a territory that is not our own. She is my older sister. Bear Bear ~ Courage Brave Persistent In the face of adversity 117 For all children Warrior Many battles Fought … lost … won. Bear is protective, and she walks firmly, with authority. She has been around, and no doubt has been in a few battles and has had many struggles looking after all her cubs. Her territory is vast, with many enemies who seek to challenge her ways. Despite this, she continues to fight to ensure her cubs survive and thrive. I know Bear purely as a fellow professional. She is my older sister. Bigfoot Bigfoot ~ Honesty Honest Speaks her truth To power Respectfully Dismantling Structures and systems Formidable. Bigfoot walks upright in her honesty every day. She seeks honesty in her work. She walks proudly and confidently, unafraid to challenge systems and structures where inequities 118 exist. She exposes truth with her brutally honest words, and lifts and transform those around her. We have shared many conversations in the duration of our friendship. She is my sister. Keeping the Balance ~ Wheel in Motion Our value system is what creates a good life. A good life—when you get all of these and you have practised all of them and understand—the real content of each of these produces a truth and knowing, keeping you on the right path. —Davita. Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 The stories shared through the Seven Grandfather Teachings will follow the medicine wheel. The entry into the spiral of storywork begins on the outside of the circle with the teachings and enters the medicine wheel in the East. Storywork continues until the stories reach the inner fire. There is no particular ordering of the stories but my hope is that you as a reader will take away what hits your heart. The stories (research findings) that are to follow will speak for themselves, in how Indigenous women and their lived experienced as leaders are received in educational systems, as well as the challenges and struggles they face in surviving, surthriving, or not. At the conclusion of each story is a brief analysis which will highlight where they are in being able to address their sovereign selves and self-determination as an Indigenous woman leader. Entering the spiral and the story of Eagle. Eagle ~ She Taught Me Love Love for us is an eagle. It is our messenger. When you see an eagle flying overhead there is a message coming to you. Eagle flies closest to the Creator with those great wings and 119 brings messages back down for you to understand something you might not have understood before. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 Eagle descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me how to love. The story she shared with me of her lonely walk into leadership and her struggle reminded me how important the teachings are in reminding us of our connection to our first Mother, which is Mother Earth, and our connections to our relations. We are never truly alone, as many of our Elders, Knowledge Keepers and guides have told us; but the system does a good job of making us feel that way, especially when we are the sole Indigenous leader in the system. Despite being “the only one” in her district as a vice principal, Eagle embodied the teachings, and this is her story, as it emerged from both the Sharing Circles and the Conversational Method. Eagle is a matriarch, as she declared in our conversation, and with that comes responsibilities and accountability in the role. “Matriarchs and Knowledge Keepers are highly respected members of Indigenous communities who have gained lived experiences, and preserved the cultural wisdom and knowledge passed down through their maternal lineage and ancestral traditions” (Vancouver Coastal Health, n.d., para. 1). As a matriarch in the making, Eagle understands her responsibility to continue to learn the language and cultural teachings of her people so that she may be able to share them with future generations of children. She centred love in the stories she shared with me—she embodied the Seven Grandfather Teachings, and her lived experience as shared through narrative storytelling is evidence of this. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty 120 I am a matriarch in the making. —Eagle As Eagle stated above in our individual Conversational Method session, she is a matriarch, and with that she further states, “I have roles and responsibilities to future generations.” The journey into her matriarchy was one of walking the path of the Seven Grandfather Teachings. I will share her lived experience, told through narrative storying, which provided Eagle with a solid foundation. Eagle is a fierce woman who stands by her values, as is evident in the following story shared with me, in which she attended an administrator professional development course called the Short Course, put on by the BC Principals’ and Vice-Principals’ Association (BCPVPA). This course is attended annually by an average of two hundred new vice principal and principal administrators who are usually within the first three years of their work. Eagle would have been marginalized numerically, as in the total pool of administrators in BC there are currently only 4% who self-identify as Indigenous. She told me there were two other Indigenous administrators she knew who attended at the same time she did. At the end of the day one of the presenters had a circle which one of her mentors, a non-Indigenous ally, was running. She and several other administrators who were also master’s students were waiting to connect with the person facilitating the circle who was their teacher. Several of the students needed to connect with the teacher before the end of the day. So, some of the students decided to interrupt the circle. Eagle said, “It was the end of our time together. So, they put on a stick, a white napkin, and put it inside the door to disrupt their circle. And, I am just like, oh my god, people, they are in circle.” This moment horrified her. She stated, “We had an awful moment,” 121 as it went against the values of humility, respect, and truth she had been taught to carry forward as a matriarch. Eagle understood and knew the importance of circle and the teachings that came with it. The teaching of circle is that it is a sacred ceremony and once the circle starts, it does not stop until everyone has had their say. There was a lack of humility, respect, and understanding of these teachings by fellow master’s students who put their own needs ahead of those in the circle. Humility was not honoured, and disrespect was shown, as evident in her words, “That is a ceremony. You cannot—you do not interrupt. The circle is done when the circle is done. You just need to wait.” Waiting for the circle to finish would have shown humility, respect, and honour of the process and of the truth being shared by those who were in circle debriefing the day. Matriarchs are vital to all Indigenous nations as they are integral in passing on language, culture, and traditions to the next generations. As Eagle states, “Whether I choose to be or not—I am a matriarch of our community and I have roles and responsibilities to future generations.” In this moment of disrupting the master’s students’ thinking regarding the circle as ceremony and something that is sacred to be respected, she embodied her role as a matriarch. She stood amongst her fellow colleagues and revealed her honesty and courage and enacted her matriarch role as she said, “It is important that I wear it loud and proud. I speak up to it as much as I can within my roles.” She followed through on her role and responsibility by addressing the moment with the group she was amongst. One person in the group apologized for making her mad and she replied with, “You did not make me mad. I am just disappointed in you.” Eagle’s disappointment came from the fact that the group had spent time previously learning about Indigenous Education and knowledge and as she said, “You would have known that it’s 122 disrespectful to stop the circle while it’s in process.” As a natural matriarch she enacted wisdom as she has gained experience in her lifetime to understand the importance of ceremony and how sacred they are. She understood this moment could not be passed by without her saying something. Wisdom is also knowing when to say something at the right moment. Our Elders contain infinite wisdom gained through lived experience and often share with us wisdom when we need it the most. She was sharing her wisdom of knowledge that she has gathered over her lifetime with the group as a matriarch enacting all the Seven Grandfather Teachings. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety You are here to help others. You are not here for you. —Eagle We come into this world as spiritual beings and a will to “just be.” Whether we practice spirituality daily or not, it guides and sustains our iskotew (fire) as Indigenous women leaders. The need to be seen for who we are and where we come from is important when we enact embodied leadership in roles such as administrators, teacher leaders, or educators. Children of today and future generations need to see Indigenous women as the fierce carriers of their language, culture, and traditions in education. Eagle struggled to “just be” as the sole Indigenous leader in a vice principal position in her district. She worked at one of the largest elementary schools in the district, where she felt she could not be herself. As shared earlier, Eagle understands herself to be a “matriarch in the making” and understands the responsibility that this entails. Her responsibility was to walk in her truth as an Indigenous woman, as the young ones (children) and old ones (Elders) are always 123 watching us. However, it was difficult for her to walk in her truth as a vice principal and as a matriarch. Eagle was the sole Indigenous leader in her district, and felt she could not be herself, given the fact she worked alongside a principal who was, she said, “incredibly racist.” Working in this environment left her feeling unsafe; as she expressed, “I have no safe space.” In this unsafe space, Eagle shared, “I was being racially marginalized as a human in this role, and I was getting treated like crap. And it was not okay.” While working as “the only one” in a district with a racist principal, she was burdened with explaining and teaching about colonialism. She found this to be extremely hard, and exclaimed, “The most challenging thing I had to navigate through was being a person—being the sole person with knowledge about the colonial system—in the colonial system.” To be “the only one” and navigating on her own was a lonely journey, and “having to be the only voice, and the only educator within the system at the time—to educate people—they constantly drain you.” She struggled to keep her iskotwew (fire) burning. While Eagle’s work environment and work colleagues did not see and recognize her as a matriarch in the making, she, her spiritual being, and her practices of spirituality brought her home and allowed her to “just be.” She shared with me that in her daily practices, “I always clean the energy around me if needed. So, I do that with sage. I know it’s not typically done on the Coast—sage—but we use cedar brushes. But I use sage bundles, because I love the smell of sage, personally.” Sage is a sacred medicine traditionally used east of the Rocky Mountains, which is used to help purify people and spaces and to keep away negative energy. As she stated in our conversation, “The water—the water is my home.” She said she got a paddleboard so she could be on the water and just connect. This connection to land and to the water recognized her for who she was as a matriarch. She made time for spiritual connection, which allowed her to be 124 present and to listen to her surroundings. Eagle shared, “Every time—every time I have been out on my paddleboard, there have been eagles around.” These experiences, as she described, “tell me that the time I spend out there is—that is my connection to my ancestors. They are with me, and they are listening to me.” Our first mother, Mother Earth, and our territorial lands of our ancestors see us and know us for who we are as Indigenous women. It was returning to the water and making time to connect with her ancestors that has truly allowed Eagle to “just be” the matriarch in the making she is. Emotional ~ Believe ~ Rematriating Our Leadership As Indigenous women we do not lead like males, we lead like matriarchs. —Eagle To be and believe in leading like a matriarch, the system Eagle worked in as a vice principal struggled to accept and see her for who she was. Eagle embodied her matriarch role naturally because she was born into it. Her understanding of leading like a matriarch, as she stated, is to “lead from here” [points to her heart] and “it’s about coming from here” [points to her head]. Leading from the heart and mind, as she states, is crucial to her way of being as a leader. As one Elder from the Blood Reserve shared with both of us in ceremony many years ago, “The hardest journey is connecting your head to your heart.” Eagle also shared that to lead like a matriarch and Indigenous person, “We open the circle, and the circle is our reference of being—nobody is in the front, nobody is behind—we are all sharing and learning together.” This understanding is common in many Indigenous communities—of everyone being in the circle as one. In fact, children are centred in Indigenous communities, and next come the parents, kin, community, and then Nation. 125 Eagle’s belief in leading like a matriarch, one who values emotions and ensures everyone is included in the circle including herself, collided with Western ideals of leadership and her experience leading as a vice principal. She shared an experience where she did not feel safe enough to be who she was, and was reprimanded for being too emotional. Eagle shared that her school was going through a particularly tough time with recent class size changes, and she as the vice principal was utilized as a teacher on call to support the shortages. She called her educators together to express that they needed to be a community and work together as her teachings taught her. She expressed that she loved her school community, but the unions kept them apart. She was not a member of the local teachers’ union, and was a member of a different association. While she had the staff gathered, she became emotional, as she struggled with the questions: “How do we foster this place together? As a community? Everyone in the circle?” The tears she shed were out of love for her staff, and she felt the injustice of the colonial Western system that created divisions due to the hierarchy. This system was not like the circle that could wrap around everyone and that centred the children she and her staff were serving. As a result of this meeting, she was reprimanded by her principal and the “upper-ups,” as she refers to senior management. Here is what Eagle had to say about her experience: I got reprimanded for that, how dare you cry in front of staff? That is not how you lead. That is not how you gather people together. I am just like, yeah. Well, that might not be how you lead but that is how I lead but I could not say that—it was not safe for me to say that. And then the upper-ups were just like, so what about that time when you cried? What does that say? It says I am human. That is what it says. I am human. And I want to 126 be human to all these children, to all these people within the building [voice wavers]. And I do—and I also struggle with not being enough. The fact that Eagle was reprimanded for what she says is being herself, a matriarch and a human being, left her feeling very vulnerable, alone and “othered,” not only by her direct superior, her principal, but also by senior management. Her emotional, physical, and intellectual safety became a concern as she had no one to turn to who she could tell about her experience of being reprimanded. As a lone Indigenous administrator in a system built on Western leadership values and ways of being, she did not feel safe in sharing her truth, as she expressed above. She felt silenced by the hierarchy and the place she had to operate from, where she was just a vice principal and an administrator. Physical ~ Behave ~ Loneliness Who I am as a leader, and who I am as an educator, from its core—is Indigenous. —Eagle To be, believe and behave as an Indigenous woman in an educational leadership position was a challenge for Eagle. She worked in a mid-size district in the province and at a large elementary school as the sole Indigenous leader amongst her colleagues. She said she faced challenges being who she was—an Indigenous woman. As she stated in our conversation, “I am who I am. And this is who I am. I’m a strong Indigenous voice.” Despite this statement of feeling very secure in recognizing her strength as an Indigenous woman, the environment she worked in alongside a non-Indigenous principal left her feeling oppressed and unvalidated. Eagle embodied her Indigeneity in her role as a vice principal, activating her matriarch in the making, which saw her being responsible to ensure Indigenous workers and Indigenous 127 students felt like they belonged in the spaces they occupied. Eagle shared a brief story of her struggle to be a matriarch in the making and her inability to follow through on her role and responsibilities as she knew them. Working as a vice principal drained her way of being. Her physical being was impacted, and her voice silenced. Being “the only one” and Indigenous in the system as an administrator she stated, “I didn’t have an Indigenous voice, because of how the game is played.” She felt very isolated and alone in the fact she could not utilize her matriarch skills and voice to advocate in support of an Indigenous support worker and the students she worked with when she had a conversation with her principal. The Indigenous support worker and the student they worked with were moved into a space that, she said, “looked like a closet.” She was not okay with this and addressed it with her principal, but, said Eagle, “she did not see a problem with that, even when I explained to her” the issue with the inadequate working space. She tried to address the inequity of having those marginalized by the system to be further marginalized by an insufficient workspace that did not create a sense of belonging for either the worker or the student. This one experience (of many) for Eagle left her very frustrated and feeling like she was fighting the system alone. As she expressed, “To bring up the inequities over and over again—for it not to be heard. So, being one voice—the sole Indigenous administrator in the district—my voice was not loud enough.” The lonely journey of advocating for Indigenous youth and workers alike at her school and not having fellow Indigenous colleagues to confide in left her feeling vulnerable and insecure about her safety as an administrator. 128 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigating the Hierarchy I think that that is a really key thing to point out—about Western and Indigenous leadership … I am not doing this for prestige. I am doing this because I really want to change the space. —Eagle Indigenous women leaders are expected to bring change and be agents of change in the work they do within their organizations. We come from Nations where the matriarchs and Clan Mothers, traditional women, are upheld to ensure that the language, culture, and traditions are passed to the next generation of children. For Indigenous women leaders to do this while operating in colonial Western-based systems such as education, they must continue to activate their whole being. It takes constant awareness of who they are and where they come from to ensure they are agents of change for Indigenous children, families, communities, and Nations. There is a real tension in navigating being an agent of change for our own communities and, at the same time, being an agent of the board for the districts we work within. As matriarchs and Clan Mothers in the making, and working within Western colonial structures, to walk in our Indigeneity can be a real struggle. This struggle was very real for Eagle, as she shared with me: “Everything that I do is done in an Indigenous way; whether I think about it, directly or indirectly, it just comes out of me.” She felt she had to conform to be an agent of the board, which made her Indigeneity and all the knowledge that came with it invisible. When speaking of her role as a vice principal, at no time did she express how it affirmed her Indigenous identity. In fact, she likened her position to that of a gopher, a small animal that commonly lives on the prairies, above and below ground. Eagle expressed frustration 129 for her position. “Nobody should ever have to be a vice principal, because you are—just like the gopher—the bottom-of-the-pile-crap-pusher, or whatever. Me, in my gum boots, soaking up piss in the change rooms.” She felt she was not able to be the agent of change she envisioned herself to be due to the position she held as a vice principal. She discovered her position had her running around like a gopher, and she said: I was the gopher and anything that anybody else did not want to do I got to do. It was really challenging. I have a lot of challenging stories and challenging times within that space because it was very colonial, and it was very male dominated. She felt the immense oppression and work that came along with being a vice principal and being at the bottom of the hierarchy within the management structure of her school district. Not being seen or being able to embody her matriarch in the making was a double erasure in a system built on Western values, heteronormativity, and patriarchy. Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Navigating the Hierarchy, Racism, Microaggressions, and Lack of Safety Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge I’m stepping down, because I can’t do this role—because it’s not allowing me to be who I am. —Eagle To be an Indigenous woman leader in decolonizing educational systems requires one to navigate very carefully as an “agent of change” responsible to community and Nations, as well as the fiduciary responsibility as an agent to the board one works for. This was challenging for 130 Eagle, as she was a vice principal, first and foremost an agent for the board. In her role as vice principal in a large elementary school of over six hundred students, she did not get to share her gifts endowed by her ancestors as a matriarch in training. Eagle’s struggle to become an agent of change for the Indigenous community at her school, the inability to re/claim her matriarchy gifts, and the obstacles to achieving a principalship of Indigenous Education led to her reclaiming, refusing, resisting and resurging herself out of a position. Her spiritual fire was dimmed to a tiny ember barely lit. Eagle’s ultimate vision was to become the principal of Indigenous Education in her school district, but this was not to be the case. There were too many roadblocks put in her way by an organization which is founded on a hierarchy where a person’s advance into district leadership positions is based on climbing the ladder. When she inquired about the position, she was told by someone in her district that I needed two years in the elementary school—two or three years as a VP in the elementary—then I needed to be a VP of a middle school. And then, I needed a principalship. So, anywhere from five to seven years—before I could even apply for that role. She found this to be very demoralizing, as she was experiencing racism at the hands of the principal she worked alongside. The lack of advancement of women into district positions, and the pathways one had to take to reach district management positions, led Eagle to question: “But who does go to the board office? High school people. High school administrators go to the board office, and who? … We have zero females who are in charge of high schools … ” She both resisted and refused to accept the fact that she would need so many years of principalship 131 experience to even qualify to apply for a position that was currently held by a non-Indigenous person. Her spiritual fire was being dimmed by the fact that her desire to advance to the position of district principal of Indigenous Education would take up to an additional seven years. Eagle also refused and resisted the racism she experienced at the hands of the principal she worked alongside of. As shared earlier by Eagle, she felt alone and isolated by the racism she experienced. She could not confide in her supervisor and there were no other Indigenous leaders in the system to speak to. She stated: It is systemic within our system—and there is a lot of racism—microaggressions—that happen on a daily basis within the school district, not only with the teachers, but, I felt—on a daily basis, even with other administrators. She is referring to her own principal. A non-Indigenous principal who she knew and was comfortable speaking with encouraged her to speak up, but she had reservations about doing so. Her hesitation is evident in her response: I refused to say anything because if I had brought up the fact that my principal was racist—I would then be attacked, right? I would be probably be removed from my position, and my job would probably be taken away, right? The fear of retribution, of losing her position, silenced her. She had no one safe she could turn to speak her truth. As the sole Indigenous leader in the system, the experience left her feeling very vulnerable and fearful of her personal and professional safety. Eagle eventually did summon the courage to refuse and resist her experience of racism and set up a meeting to speak to the assistant superintendent, who was a white male leader. At 132 the time of the meeting, she was to present her master’s paper the next day. The conversation with the assistant superintendent, she said, “crushed me … the assistant superintendent came in and did not allow me to speak.” She was left feeling further oppressed and violated by the experience, as she continued, “He had a bunch of questions for me, and he did not allow me to speak to any of them. He only spoke at them through the eyes of the principal that I was working with—who was incredibly racist.” She was not provided a safe space to speak, and said, “How is this a safe space for me? He ripped me to shreds! How is that a safe place for me to say how I felt?” As Eagle stated, “I, as the only Indigenous person in the administrative pool—I could not—I had no safe place.” Two weeks after the initial meeting the assistant superintendent requested another meeting. She said, “He asked me how he could support me in my role better and how our last conversation went. What was it that he needed to do better?” This experience with the assistant superintendent confirmed her feelings and her decision that she had to leave her position and the district to ultimately re/claim and resurge her matriarch in training. Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety It’s better to speak up, because we were never meant to survive—so we need to be reminded of that on a daily basis. We are not supposed to be here. They wanted to eliminate us, but we’re still here. —Eagle Eagle’s survivance and self-determination as an Indigenous woman suffered immensely as she was the only Indigenous vice principal in the district where she worked. Her inner fire was dimmed because her work environment did not allow her to keep her wheel in balance. Also, there were not enough experiences to nourish her inner fire to keep the flame lit. Her inner fire 133 was dimmed to a mere ember by the isolation, microaggressions, and racism she experienced at the hands of her principal and senior management. To ensure her own survivance and continued self-determination as an Indigenous woman and matriarch in training, she resigned from her position as a vice principal. The experience of being the sole Indigenous voice in administration in her district left her feeling not safe in being herself or being able to speak her mind as an Indigenous woman. The journey was too hard to navigate alone. As Eagle shared, “Even as a woman, as a teacher, as a human, I can’t do this role because it hurts my heart too much.” Additionally, the immense struggle was combined with the constant fatigue of educating others about the colonial system while working in it. Eagle said, “I am constantly aware of—I am in a white male dominated space.” The colonial and heteropatriarchal space she had to navigate in effect silenced her. As she said, “So, but my voice—being one voice—the sole Indigenous administrator in the district—my voice wasn’t loud enough.” Eagle decided her survivance and self-determination were more important than operating in a system that continually oppressed her as an Indigenous woman. She said, “So, you either want me the way I am, or you can hire somebody else.” She left the system with her matriarchy intact. Entering the spiral and the story of Beaver. Beaver ~ She Taught Me Wisdom When you look at beavers. When they create their house—all those sticks—they know where to put them. They know exactly how to build that house, how to protect their kits. So, we understand that wisdom comes from Beaver. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 134 Beaver descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me wisdom. The stories she shared of her leadership experience were stories of loneliness and the struggle being “the first of” in many spaces she entered as a leader. It takes a lifetime of many experiences in leading to gain wisdom. The stories of her experiences span many years. She has been in education for her entire career, starting in 1981. Her lived experience of surthriving in the system for so long, and understanding she needed to devote time to her spirituality, which helped her on her journey, is reflected in the following statement: There were just various times when I kind of developed prayers and so I have, you know, a way that I say thank you to all the beings and Creator that I need to say thank you to and all the people in my life that I say thank you to. And then I ask for the things that I think I need. Like I need to have a sense of belonging and identity, you know, and I need to have protection and guidance, so I pray for that. And I pray for love and understanding, and I pray for truth and wisdom. Beaver understood early on that she would not be able to rely on anyone, as there was no one to guide her and no other Indigenous leaders at the time in the education system. She knew who she was and where she came from and how it influenced her leadership and how she led. However, despite being very comfortable in her own Indigeneity, she stated: “I was always the first, you know, in all the districts. I was the first First Nations whatever, you know. So, I was always the first one to do it. And so, I had no model.” This had an immense impact on Beaver. She struggled entering the system. As she said, “I’ve always known that it’s like not—you know I’m not—the system isn’t for me.” Especially, early in her journey as an educator and leader, Beaver found it a challenge. She said, “So that is 135 hard, as you are the first one, usually. And you feel so on display a lot of times. Yeah, of course it is isolating and lonely.” While she felt alone and isolated for much of her journey as a leader, she accessed the wisdom she received from the cultural teachings that were given to her by her family, and used prayer to provide guidance and reassurance. Additionally, she understood early on that if she was going to surthrive in a system that was not built for her to succeed, she would need to learn to adapt her leadership early on and make connections to others who could support her. In the lonely journey that marked her beginnings, she said, “A lot of times you do feel alone. So you must look and look and look and see, you know, who are the people that I can partner with.” Beaver is like that beaver who is constantly gathering the sticks, helping to build a foundation for herself so she could feel secure in her own right as an Indigenous leader. The wisdom of gathering what she needed to help her survive in a system where she felt “not seen” for a long time speaks to her fierce matriarchy skills. Her own survival in the system laid a pathway for a generation of educators and leaders to follow. She became the role model others could look up to and connect with in a system where we are still numerically marginalized and oppressed by the roles we work within. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty There is an activist part to me too, you know. I am always trying to think how to be subversive, I guess. —Beaver 136 Beaver is a fierce matriarch, one who has earned her right to be one, although at no point in our conversation did she refer to herself as one. She is indeed one based on her lived experience and the struggle of surthrivance as an Indigenous woman leader in the early days of the 1980s until now. Beaver would have been one of the first wave of Indigenous educators who eventually found their way into leadership positions. She was always the first in any position as has been previously shared, and her survival is a testament to her strength as a matriarch. Beaver’s journey of being “the first of” in many of the positions she has held as an Indigenous educator and leader over the last 40 years speaks to her commitment and dedication to embodying the Grandfather Teachings as a way of being. She entered the teaching profession in the early 1980s after graduating from a teacher education program. It takes great courage and humility to survive the loneliness Beaver has described in her long journey in education. She entered education at a time when she was not only “the only one” but often “the first of.” Despite her positions, she shared that for much of her early days in education she felt invisible. As she stated in the following comment: When I started doing this job in the 80s, like 1981, that is when the Constitution said we were allowed to exist. Finally, we were allowed to exist as Indigenous people and so I worked in all the systems that still understood me to not exist, really. So, you know, Indigenous people in the curriculum barely existed. And so, you know as a person—Aboriginal education, I barely existed too in the system. Beaver persisted in a system in the early days where she was neither visible nor heard. It was the love, respect, honesty and truth that kept her within the system. As she stated in sharing her thoughts with me, “The truth, you know, telling the truth. And the truth is that we’ve always 137 been here.” Beaver’s love and respect for herself, and her understanding that honesty and truth-telling speak to her continued resistance and existence, is what has allowed her to surthrive in the colonial education system. However, that system almost had her wanting leave it entirely in 2005. As Beaver shared: I would always be working with these white administrators, of course, and I would be saying, here is what we need to do. And they would always be like, no, no, no, we cannot do that. No, cannot do that. And then finally, in 2005 then I finally had an administrator that said yes. And I was like, so shocked. I was so surprised that there was somebody that said yes to one of my ideas of what we should do. It was very—I was taken aback. I was trying to work my way out of the school system at that point because I just really felt so discouraged. It takes great tenacity and dedication to the future generations of Indigenous learners and educators to exist and persist in a system for almost 25 years feeling like you have never felt seen or heard. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural teachings and Sole Leader in a System I just must keep circling back to that … these spaces are not really for us or me. So, I try implement these things that will have meaning for, you know, the students going into the future, so they can be who they are. —Beaver Beaver is like that Indigenous auntie shared in Tenille Campbell’s poem as she says, “And the Elderly ones watch over us all” (Campbell, 2021, p. 108). This is Beaver, as she has 138 gathered the branches of experience of her leadership and being in the system for 40 years. I listened to the stories she told me with so much gratitude, as she shared the challenges of being a first in an educational system, where Indigenous people barely existed physically or were barely represented in the curriculum. She was trying to be seen so she could “just be.” Beaver had to work and lead in a system that did not even acknowledge her existence. Beaver shared with me that she is a daughter of a residential school survivor, and her mother is also an Elder. Early on, she learned from her mother the cultural teachings, attended and witnessed ceremonies such as the Sundance, and learned on the land alongside her mother. As she stated, her mother “had lots of connections to her spiritual practices. So, she would always tell us about them, although we were not involved in them.” She said that even though she never participated in the ceremonies directly, they have heavily influenced her life. She shared the following: And also, I mean you just end up, you know, being like the people around you, right, even if it is not highlighted, or even if it is not told to you. You end up doing, you know, being who you are. And so, when I was growing up, we would go to different ceremonies and my mom would explain a little bit about what it was like. Beaver shared growing up with her family was hard. She said, “I went through lots of hard times with various family members.” To help herself and her family cope with the trauma of growing up as an intergenerational survivor or being survivors, Beaver shared, “I would take my family members to see Elders, you know, like the medicine people to help with various things.” Beaver attended to the Elders and medicine people, as well as the teachings she received from her mother. She says, “I learned to pray and smudge and do all kinds of things like that. So, 139 yeah, I do that when I feel the need.” Beaver has attended many ceremonies and tends to spiritual practices when she needs to. The cultural teachings received from her family and the experiences of being in ceremonies prepared her for the long and lonely journey to leadership. As Beaver remarked, “It is about the family members, you know—you just look—you just look back on what they went through, you know, well, this is nothing compared to what they had to endure. So, of course I can do this.” Witnessing her own family’s struggle for existence on the Prairies as a child prepared her to gather her own inner strength to prevail in a system where she has rarely felt at ease. She shared, “I have always known that this is very difficult. I never feel comfortable. That is the thing. You cannot ever feel comfortable. Or at least I have never felt that way.” Even though she has been in the system for many years, she has never felt like she has entirely belonged. She had a feeling of being alone and recognized that at an early point in her career. Currently, in her administrative role, she still does not feel like she belongs. As she remarked, “I do not fool myself and think that I am part of the power structure. I am not at all. I mean in some situations I am, but mostly I am not.” While she has expressed on several occasions feeling like she never fully belonged or felt entirely comfortable in the role she occupies, she did share that how she struggled to “just be” and how that has changed over the duration of her career: Well, no, I think my style is more acceptable today, you know. For the longest time I tried to adjust. But now I can—because I am old [laughs] and I have done it for a long time. So, people don’t try to change me, I guess. Her reflection shared above reveals the social, political, and cultural times of the early 1980s and 1990s, the beginning of entry into education and leadership, a time when Indigenous people were advocating and protesting their existing rights in the repatriated Constitution Act, 140 1982 (Justice Laws Website, n.d.). Beaver’s effort to adjust her leadership style, as she says, was a survival tactic and a reflection of how Indigenous leaders were doing the same in the early 1980s. She has had many years to grow and progress into her leadership style and, as she stated above, no one tries to change her anymore. She has proven she could surthrive and continues to surthrive even 40 years into her leadership work. She is a fierce matriarch and those coming behind will have an easier walk-in leadership as she continues blazing the pathway and transforming the system for the future generations of leaders. Emotional ~ Believe ~ Loneliness I have done it for a long time. So, people do not try to change me. —Beaver To be and believe in who she is an Indigenous woman was a struggle, as the system did not acknowledge Indigenous Knowledge and pedagogies for much of Beaver’s career. It is only in the last eight years, with the redesigned BC curriculum that includes First Peoples Principles of Learning now embedded in the K-12 curriculum, that Beaver feels she is being seen. She calls upon others to take up the work alongside her. A great transformation has been taking place in Indigenous Education during the last eight years. Prior to this, Indigenous Education leaders were responsible for the success of Indigenous learners in their respective districts. Beaver has seen the change because she has been leading it for the last 40 years to its current transformation. It was a challenge for Beaver to just be and believe in herself in a decolonizing education system when she had no one to lean on for support. For much of her career in education she has always been the first. With that, she had no Indigenous mentors, role models, or guides to rely on. Being the first and sole Indigenous female leader in any system would be extremely isolating 141 and lonely. As Beaver shared, right from the beginning she had to “make millions of decisions and nobody helps you decide [laughs]. It is so lonely, and you do not get the kind of mentorship that you thought you were going to get.” It is hard to believe in yourself when you have no one to look up to or anyone to turn to ask the challenging questions or seek support. Her solution to combat the feeling of being alone and isolated in her work was to search for connection, like many who came after her. In the depths of loneliness, she became a searcher. She said: A lot of times you do feel alone. So you must look and look and look and see, who are the people I can partner with. And you cultivate those relationships, and then they move to a different school district or a different job and then you must cultivate another relationship. So, you just keep doing that and you just keep trying to find the people that will work with you. Beaver ultimately had to find people she felt comfortable with and who believed in her enough to invest in a relationship. This was no doubt very hard for her to do in a system where she was often the first and only Indigenous leader. Beaver shared that having to search out a mentor in a very colonial education system put her at risk. She said, “You are very isolated … you must be careful … you know who the safe people are, right? Who are the people that are safe to talk to? Like everyone should be safe to talk to you. But, no, no.” She understood early on that she was not going to have the mentorship she needed and when she did seek it out, she would have to be very careful and selective of who she would ask to mentor her. She further affirmed the conversation by saying, “You cannot just like talk to anyone and expect anyone to understand what your experience is like as an Indigenous person in this very colonial country.” 142 Indigenous women leaders need mentors and mentorship opportunities to survive in the system. But, most importantly, Indigenous women leaders need to feel safe in the mentorship opportunities that are provided, whether they are Indigenous or not. Physical ~ Behave ~ Rematriating Our Leadership I was 18 or 19 and one of the first political things I did in Regina, Saskatchewan was organize a community meeting about how the police were using police dogs on young Indigenous people in the city—that was around 1980. —Beaver To be, believe and behave as an Indigenous woman in educational leadership was a struggle and continues to be a struggle for Beaver, despite being in the system for many years. At an earlier age in her education, she was involved in both social and political activism. This is a good example of embodying her matriarchy and Clan Mother status at an early age in her life. Matriarchs, Clan Mothers, and those in the making are activists, and advocate for Indigenous youth. This is evident in Beaver’s description of why she organized a community response to violence against Indigenous youth in the 1980s: I did those things—in a way I went out on a limb, and put myself out there and said this is wrong in lots of ways. And so, you know, there’s an activist part to me too. And so, I bring that kind of thinking to the leadership that I provide in the area that I work in. I’m always trying to think how to be subversive, I guess. Beaver put children and young people first; despite putting herself at risk personally and professionally, she stood up and called out injustice. She gathered community around her for 143 support, and, as she shared, “I organized a public meeting about it to bring attention to it and the police came to it which was good.” This is a fierce matriarch-in-the-making move to do at a young age, being an Indigenous woman on the Prairies in the early 1980s where racism was and continues to be prevalent for Indigenous Peoples. The political work in the early 1980s prepared Beaver for the eventual environment she would be entering as a leader—a decolonizing educational system where few Indigenous educators and leaders existed at the time, and the curriculum included virtually no Indigenous histories, languages, and cultures. As Beaver stated, “Indigenous people in the curriculum barely existed and … I barely existed too in the system.” This lack of existing in the education system in both curriculum and leadership drove Beaver to continue, despite the alienation and racism she experienced early on. She continues to advocate for Indigenous learners in the system, and the need for space to just exist. Her frustration to have to ask for validation is evident in the following statement: In public schools, we always must go ask, can we do this? Can we do that? We do not have space. So, no, no, we do not. We do not have space and just the fact that we always must go ask is an indication that we do not have the space to be who we are. We cannot just be who we are by oursel[ves] with no space. The lack of space she is referring to in education means there are no gathering places for Indigenous students like the ones Indigenous people have in public community spaces, such as friendship centres, mothers’ centres, and Elders’ centres. To feel like one belongs in the system, Beaver states, “You must have space to do it. It’s a huge problem in [large urban centres]. There 144 is no space for Indigenous people. There are no gathering spaces. In a lot of places, there are no gathering spaces.” Beaver has struggled for many years to feel like she has been seen as an administrator, especially at the school level. The erasure she must contend with fuels her fire to continue to fight to ensure the Indigenous youth she is responsible for are both seen and heard, and have space to be Indigenous. Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigating the Hierarchy So sometimes people want to—sometimes they want to discount what I am saying. —Beaver Indigenous women are agents of change as matriarchs and Clan Mothers, but in educational systems they are expected to be agents of the board first. The notion of being an agent of the board while being an agent of change brings both stress and tensions not experienced by other administrators in education. As agents of change for the Nations we come from and the communities we serve, we must respect the protocols and ways of being of the territories on which we lead and the many Nations we may be serving with our leadership. This is especially crucial if we are not members of the Nation, as we are expected to be good guests on the lands where we are visitors. This is the case for Beaver; she has always been a visitor to all the territories she has worked on, and that brings additional responsibility on her behalf. There are multiple tensions navigating being an agent of change for a community and being an agent of the board that most other administrators do not have to navigate. As shared by Beaver, “We are the only ones in the system that, you know, our job is related to our identity (Indigenous).” With this comes 145 additional mixed feelings. Beaver stated, “We cannot just go home and not be an Indigenous person anymore, right. Whereas if you are a district principal of student services, you can go home, and you are not the student services person there.” As Beaver shared, “So, that is another weird thing about the position we are put in. We must work, and it is our identity. So, it has been very stressful.” Added to the stress, as shared by Beaver, is, “So, no matter what we say, it’s biased. Right. I mean, that is how we are probably perceived.” The multiple tensions of navigating one’s identity within the position can be very stressful, and in addition, navigating on someone else’s territory is also very complex. The fine balance of navigating being an agent of change and being an agent of the board can be and is a very tricky walk. It is a walk no one prepares Indigenous women leaders for or provides mentors to support them in their journey. It is a trial by fire experience. Beaver confessed in her sharing with me the struggle to be seen and heard in the early part of her career. As she advanced upwards in the leadership ranks from educational leader to administrator, she moved from feeling very lonely and isolated to feeling she was not enough. This notion of not being enough, and the necessity to validate your presence by overcompensating with your education credentials, is a common narrative shared by several of the Indigenous women, not just Beaver. How this manifested for Beaver is that despite having a master’s degree, she felt she needed to complete her doctorate to have the credibility and authority to speak within the spaces she occupied. This is evident in her saying, “Sometimes people want to discount what I am saying. So, then I mention a theorist … Foucault would have something to say about this.” This is a common experience for Indigenous women leaders. Many people in educational organizations will speak at, for, or over us. Beaver pushes back on those who want to discount her voice by speaking academic language. As she says, “When you stay 146 involved in these academic things you still have currency … I try to stay current, so I have authority.” She has stayed current by writing and publishing in academic journals. Having a doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy means, as Beaver says, “You have the authority to talk about what you are talking about and it’s true. So, now I can say these things because I have a doctorate.” The need to further one’s education to feel one is valued in a colonial system is not an uncommon experience for Indigenous women leaders. Feeling like one is not enough is the colonial burden worn on the shoulders of many Indigenous women leading in a decolonizing education system. The multiple tensions of navigating multiple worlds without any mentors or guides, not being in one’s own territory, and not feeling enough for the system wears on one’s wholistic mental health. As shared by Beaver, “I did not think I would last four years. Yeah, I did not think I could make it this long. Yeah, it was so hard.” The necessity of having additional academic credentials beyond what is needed to hold the position as an administrator, is purely for survival in a colonial system which is based on a hierarchy that privileges white males and females and where knowledge equates power. Beaver shared with me, “I would not be able to do this job if I had not done the doctoral studies. I would not be able to do it. I mean I can barely do it now [laughs].” Despite the truth and seriousness of what she had shared, she still had a sense of humour to laugh at the situation. Even with her additional credentials, Beaver voiced concern about sharing her voice: “You still have to be strategic about what you say and when and in what context.” What has helped her continue to survive, she says, “is having that knowledge is what gets me through.” Even with the authority of the additional credentials and added knowledge, Beaver never feels entirely comfortable. She stated, “It’s all white men that are in charge.” 147 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge Like it is not us. We are not the problem. —Beaver Beaver has learned to surthrive in a decolonizing education system as a leader, and she has been able to navigate the complexities of being an agent of change and an agent of the board. Her years of persisting to reclaim ~ refuse ~ resist ~ resurge has sustained her, but at the same time those years have been an alienating experience of being “one of” and “the first” in many of the places she has worked over the 40 years of her career. Refusing and resisting to accept that we are the problem in the system, as Beaver shared, is what gave her strength to survive and surthrive in the system. She said that it was necessary to understand the colonial history of Canada and the connections to the global Indigenous community. This understanding of the experience interconnects Indigenous people globally. There are, she says, “similarities in policies and practices with colonialism and how they affected us.” Beaver shared that it is “really important to connect with other Indigenous people in the world because then we know that we are not crazy in our isolation and we are not isolated.” She has refused to accept dominant narratives of societal thinking that place the blame on Indigenous people for where they are in their lives politically, socially, and economically. Beaver stressed that as Indigenous leaders we understand that that “leadership is having an analysis.” This analysis includes the understanding that “we are here because of colonialism. Not because of cultural differences or cultural misunderstandings or cultural conflicts, but because of colonial 148 policies that were brought to North America.” This is just one of the lenses she looks through when enacting and embodying her leadership. Reclaiming and resurging her natural matriarch and Clan Mother ways, Beaver spoke to the importance of silence. She received teachings from her family regarding the value of silence and why it was important to her way of being. Beaver viewed this as a strength and an important cultural teaching to follow, as she shared, “I think silence is important as it teaches you not to just throw your words around.” Her parents instilled in her to be mindful of her words. She said, “I remember being admonished by my parents, be careful what you say, just do not talk for the sake of talking.” Beaver said, “I am totally comfortable not saying things [laughs], you know. In a lot of meetings people will say, oh, that is awkward.” The awkwardness is that others do not understand the cultural teaching of silence and interpret it in many other ways. People in meetings may perceive the lack of speaking as not being prepared or invested in the meeting, while Beaver views it as she will speak when she has something to share, because words hold power and worth. Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Racism and Microaggressions A social cultural analysis … [has been] … important to my survivance and my ability to lead. —Beaver Beaver’s survivance and self-determination as an Indigenous woman leader currently working in a large urban school district did not come without challenges, yet she did persist to exist within the system. She credits her survivance to having a deep social and cultural understanding of Indigenous history and the impact colonialism has had on her own Nation. She 149 has never accepted the conventional understanding of history, and continually pushes back on the narratives that education likes to maintain. Understanding colonialism from a global perspective made her feel like she was not alone in the early days of her career, and gave her the language to be able to express that Indigenous people did not create their own problems. Additionally, she shared, “There is racism at work here. And, you know, you could get fired [laughs],” but she said it anyway. For instance, she shared that Indigenous students face racism and she herself has faced the same racism as an Indigenous woman leader. Indigenous students face systemic racism. She says, “You know … they [non-Indigenous students] have a 92% graduation rate … [but] this is not the case for Aboriginal students.” The racism of low expectations is what Beaver is referring to. She is bringing attention to another narrative that gets overlooked. As an individual leader, she too has experienced racism on the job. Beaver shared, “I experience it everywhere I go [laughs].” Here is one incident that took place during a work meeting: So, we are all in these meeting rooms in one of our buildings and there is a woman who works there, you know, and so we are having a function. One of the women who worked there came up to me—I was talking to another director—district principal—I am standing there, talking [and] drinking [a] refreshment and she comes up to me. She goes, “Don’t you ever work? I see you here almost every day.” Beaver acknowledges the microaggression by saying, “My mistake was caring more about her than what she was saying to me. I said, ‘Oh, you are just saying that because I stand out in the crowd.’” She decided not to pursue any action by addressing it with her superiors, as one of her work colleagues had suggested. To be singled out in a large group of people in the very building where you work every day would be very disconcerting. Beaver’s response was, “I 150 could not be bothered” to report the incident. Perhaps she felt that it would not be taken seriously, or, as she expressed earlier, you must be careful who you talk to or “you could get fired.” She finished this part of the conversation by saying, “The microaggressions need to be addressed and the systemic racism has to be addressed” by the system. As an educational leader who is Indigenous, working in a decolonizing system, she stayed true to her many values: one being speaking the truth and speaking back to the system itself. Beaver recognized her families’ stories as stories of truth and survival. She said, “I do have a lot of stories … stories that we need to survive.” We tell our stories, and when we share them, we are speaking our own truth and engaging in truth-telling. As Beaver states, our stories are our sovereign reality and “it’s about autonomy … we have a right to be who we are. We have a right to be autonomous. It is also about an opportunity to talk back to history because history likes to pretend that we were not here.” She has always been a self-determining Indigenous leader: “The truth is that we have always been here.” Our rights to self-determination are protected within the Canadian Constitution Act, 1982, Section 35 (Justice Laws Website, n.d.), the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples (UNDRIP) (United Nations, 2007) and the Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Act (DRIPA) (Government of British Columbia, 2019). Beaver has shown she has been able to surthrive within a decolonizing education system and continues to do so, despite never feeling like she belonged, feeling uncomfortable, and at times even feeling like she was under the watch of those in higher administrative positions than herself. The latter situation may contribute to her previous statement of never feeling comfortable in the work she does. She shared, “I had this one assistant superintendent … it just seemed like I was under his surveillance, and I just felt so uncomfortable at times.” Despite 151 always being “the first” and feeling alone, Beaver has found comfort in the system by working alongside a fellow Indigenous administrator—a district principal within the department she supervises. She spoke positively of her fellow colleague: Thankfully, I have a principal. So, we are both Indigenous, so we talk to each other. This is one of the first times that I have had someone like that, you know, in a job where we are both Indigenous and we both can see what goes on in terms of the racism. Beaver now has a safe colleague to speak to about the microaggressions and racism she is experiencing at work. Although they are numerically marginalized in the large suburban school district where they are both leading, they support one another and create a safe space to discuss these experiences noted above. Additionally, Beaver mentions that this is the first time she has had someone like her who is working alongside her, further reinforcing the loneliness of the journey she has had to endure. To have to wait until near the end of her career to work closely with another Indigenous administrator speaks to the system’s lack of hiring of Indigenous administrators. Entering the spiral and the story of Buffalo. Buffalo ~ She Taught Me Respect Respect is the buffalo. You respect that animal. There is no way you would disrespect an animal like that. So, when you require respect, you call in Buffalo Grandfather and Grandmother to walk with you. —Davita Marsden, personal cummunication, March 9, 2022 152 Buffalo descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me respect. She taught me to respect myself and others. Leading like matriarchs, we cannot do this work alone; it takes the will of the collective and community to make transformative change. It is not only about having respect of oneself and others, but most importantly respecting those that surround you. Respect is shown not only through words but also through the reciprocity of giving back to others who have invested in your own development. When respect is shown and invested in this manner, it also allows people to have respect for themselves and gives them the strength to stand up for themselves. Transformative change in education requires leaders to publicly acknowledge those they have respect for, who have contributed to enriching their own understanding of what it means to be a leader, and justified the time they have invested in supporting a new leader on their journey. Leadership is not an individualistic pursuit, as Buffalo shared with me. As Indigenous leaders, “We lead in such a different way. I have trouble saying leader … [it is about] … building relationships.” In our conversations, Buffalo shared, “To be mindful of [our leadership work], you know, this is why we are doing it, right? It is for the kids, our Nation, [and] our community. It is not going to be easy.” So, as Indigenous matriarchs we must stand our ground, as strongly and firmly as the buffalo do. The Buffalo was almost wiped out on the Prairies but are now making a comeback, just like Indigenous women leaders rematriating their matriarchies within the decolonizing education system. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty 153 My job is to advocate for you … I am here to advocate. —Buffalo Buffalo embodies the Grandfather Teachings in her role as an educational leader, and is a fierce advocate for her students. She is the sole Indigenous educator in the faculty at the post-secondary institute where she currently works. She is responsible for leading the direction and implementation of the program and providing guidance to students. As the program coordinator and lead she embodies the teachings in how she relates to and supports the students she is guiding. She uses wisdom, respect, and humility when thinking about how she is going to support her students within and beyond the classroom. As the mother of three very young children at the start of her own post-graduate studies, Buffalo understands the struggles her students may face. She herself had to uproot her family and move them to campus housing and try to find childcare while she was attending university. She said, “If I had had one person that had been able to help me navigate that” it would have made the experience easier. She makes a point of being that one person for her students, as she is an Indigenous matriarch and auntie watching out for the young ones. Buffalo values the relationships she creates with her students and centres love, truth, honesty, and courage. In the program that she runs she spoke of her relationship with her students and how they are connected: “We are friends … [and] we have community connections.” She acknowledges this a good thing, but shared, “It is a conflict of interest to the chair and program advisor” of the post-secondary institute where she works. It is a struggle to navigate the professional and personal divide. She advocates beyond her role as an educational leader in that she is willing to help her students outside of class time: “If there is anything that you are needing … [like] to know where the food bank is, [or] you need help registering, that is 154 my job.” Buffalo understands the struggles her students face because she has been there and makes no distinction between the personal and professional; her role as a matriarch is to always be helping others on their journeys, just as previous matriarchs did for her. In the classroom, she equally advocates for her students to succeed by creating a program that supports who they are. Buffalo’s students are a combination of on-reserve and urban Indigenous who have had to relocate to do their studies. Many of them have children. To meet the needs of her students, she hired an Elder for her students to connect with and talk to. She understood this to be integral to her students’ learning experience and the necessity for culturally responsive pedagogy. “So, having the Elder to kind of replicate that safe person that you can talk to and go to, who is not going to judge you.” As an Indigenous matriarch, she is caring for her students, providing them with a culturally safe environment for learning. She says to them, “I am here to make it easier for you to succeed.” She understands the potential barriers many of the students may face, living away from their Nations and home communities with little support, or having to support their own families while going to school. Buffalo understands her matriarch and auntie role well, and that is to create a wholistic learning environment that honours the whole student. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings So, it is just living that spiritual piece in an education setting [that] allows me to incorporate myself into that leadership role. —Buffalo As a young educational leader, auntie, and matriarch in the making, Buffalo is strong in her beliefs, but is struggling to come into her own and just be in the academy where she works. 155 The spiritual practices she brings into education she learned from her mother and from the community Elders, and they provide her with the strength to prevail as an academic educational leader. She occupies a space where she is “one of” and young in comparison to the rest of the faculty. It has been hard work advocating that there be space for spiritual practices within the program she is leading. The struggle to “just be” spiritually—within the academy and acknowledged in the programming—took some fierce pushing on her behalf, but this was culturally necessary and integral to the success of the program. As Buffalo stated, “This is the work we have to do. There is no other choice. There is nobody else to do it.” No matter how hard it gets, matriarch and aunties like Buffalo keep fighting the system. Most recently, in an educational cohort she led, Buffalo ensured that there was an Elder for her students to connect with for spiritual, social, and academic guidance. At the outset of her program to build relationships and connection within the cohort, she took them through a water ceremony. This ceremony engaged local Elders and Knowledge Keepers to teach the students the protocols and practices of a water ceremony and how it is beneficial to one’s wholistic development. The purpose was to have the students become grounded with each other and the land they were learning on. Buffalo explained, “We took the cohort down to the river and we sang some songs.” She then instructed the students to find a quiet place on the river to reflect. They were asked to observe everything around them in that moment and remember the place they had found. When things get tough, they were told, come back to this place, which was meant to provide them with comfort. Once the exercise was complete, all the students went down to the river’s edge: 156 Then we washed. We all washed in the water to let negativity go but also to … [let go] of things that are holding us back … and then we received the good thoughts and good things to come from the water. The water ceremony is meant to wash away any negative thoughts one might have and open a space for good thoughts and feelings to come. Buffalo did this spiritual practice at the outset to provide her students with a strong spiritual foundation so that over the course of the program, when they faced challenges they could go back to the place as a site of strength and good energy. There is no separation between the self and the spiritual in the academy for Buffalo, who insists on the importance of “creating this program, ensuring that all of those spiritual practices are in place” so that students “have access to a smudge any time.” However, getting these spiritual practices accepted and creating space did not come without challenges. For students to participate, there were numerous forms for Buffalo to create, have accepted by her program, and obtain students’ written consent. For instance, in order for students to participate in a sweat lodge which is run by the community, Buffalo had to ensure numerous forms were filled out. “The risk form was going to be a challenge for sure.” Even with smudging, which has become a common practice within educational settings, she said, “We had to put notices on the doors saying that smudging can happen any time here.” While she advocates for the inclusion of spiritual practices with the educational program she leads, within her own professional space she surrounds herself with her medicines, smudging, and spiritual practices shared with her by her mother that keep her grounded. In fact, she expressed, “This is probably the key factor in maintaining balance and being able to stay in the position that I am in.” Belonging within a community of colleagues where she felt safe to be 157 herself was important. At the beginning of her work, her office was located near higher ranking administrative people in the organization and that made her feel uncomfortable. She pushed to have her office space moved to where she felt comfortable and near people she felt safe to connect with. As Buffalo shared, “I have to be in spaces where I feel belong[ing] in order to fight the system and fight racism. Like my home base—I need to have that belonging.” The new location of her office allowed her to connect with a childhood friend. So, I was fortunate to have a childhood friend. We were the two little brown kids at the public school on the North Shore, we were best friends. She is in the office space next to me, and we get work done. And on the other side of me … [there are others], all in my office space. Even if I never see them—just knowing, and having many conversations [is] super, super important. So, that is the belonging piece. Proximity to Indigenous educators in other faculties was beneficial to her personal security. Additionally, Buffalo brings her cultural objects or things that bring her comfort into her office space. She shared, “I have my baskets, and my feathers, and I have pictures of my family. It is set up very much on purpose [this way].” She brings her whole self to her work and the places she teaches. She is constantly striving to ensure her spiritual well-being is acknowledged and cared for in the academy. She respectfully acknowledges the work of Dr. Martin Brokenleg, who is a member of the Rosebud Sioux Tribe, with the following: When I think about wholistic well-being [for] myself, and as an individual and educator, I think of Dr. Martin Brokenleg—generosity, mastery, and independence. I also think of the medicine wheel. Spiritual, emotional, mental and physical … my goal, always to have those balanced in my personal and work life. 158 As an educational leader Buffalo has role modelled the importance of the spiritual in supporting and providing strength in her leadership. For her, there are no divisions between the professional and the personal with spiritual practices in trying to keep her wholistic wheel in motion. She has learned from her family, Knowledge Keepers, and Elders that to walk forward well in this world and to just be, one cannot leave spirituality behind as a leader. Spirituality is a necessary part of the path forward. As Buffalo has shared, “Providing opportunities for my kids, but also any classes I am teaching or any program that I am thinking of … is kind of my guiding force for myself.” Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy, Racism, and Microaggressions I am woman, hear me roar [laughs]. —Buffalo To be and believe in her matriarchy and leadership development, Buffalo is developing her roar (voice) as shared above. To be in a system where you are new, young, and “the only one” in a faculty, completing a PhD and on tenure track, is very challenging. Navigating a colonial system that is steeped in patriarchy, and being an Indigenous woman, there is no doubt about the challenges. As Buffalo shared, “I am finding my voice … not that I did not have a voice before.” It is how and when one uses one’s voice while navigating a colonial and patriarchal organization that is the challenge, when the teaching by Elders from various Nations is only to speak your truth and not waste your words. For Buffalo to develop her voice as an Indigenous woman, she has also had to develop a belief in herself that she is indeed a matriarch and leader in the making. Others believed in her abilities as a matriarch and leader before she acknowledged them herself. As she shared with me 159 on being a leader: “I feel like I have been pushed into leadership. I did not ask for it. I did not want it.” She further affirms her understanding of the difficulty of believing in her matriarchy and leadership—it is both a “lonely” and “hard” process. It is a challenge, she said, “because of having a different perspective on leadership and having to deal with white people in the academy.” Despite being unsure of how to navigate her matriarchy and leadership skills in the academy, she has been supported by many guides (mentors) along the way. This guidance by other Indigenous faculty, community members, and, most importantly, her own mother helped to solidify her own belief in her abilities. Buffalo shared with me several stories of how her guides assisted her in many challenging situations. As she said, “People are just always putting me in leadership positions. And, so I have come to just kind of accept it and make the best of it. I have learned get comfortable with it.” To get comfortable with it, she has relied extensively on the immense knowledge and experience that her guides possess. In one challenging situation, Buffalo was on the receiving end of microaggressions and had to challenge a senior management individual for the way he was addressing and responding to her via email communications. She tried to address it initially on her own. She said, “It got to a point where I did make it obvious that this was not right [through email].” However, this did not stop the microaggressions. She decided to speak to one of her guides, who suggested she do an online circle to address how this individual, who has more positional power, was treating her. Additionally, she recommended that Buffalo bring her other guide, who is a male and a cultural advisor, to the institution. This recommendation was happily agreed to, as this person was a good friend to Buffalo. Her guide had a conversation with her prior to the online circle, instructing her 160 on her approach: “I want you to be blunt. I want you to be straightforward. I want you to say what is on your mind.” Buffalo felt safe to take this approach because he would be facilitating the circle. She did share that “I almost felt like I needed permission” from him. Buffalo knows this guide well and has seen how he navigates relationships with non-Indigenous people. She characterizes his leadership style as mix of traditional cultural values and brutal honesty. Seeing him in action and “watching him engage with white people” with this strategy had her remark, “I wish I had the guts to do that.” Buffalo acknowledged that he is a man, which provides him privilege she does not have, and “nobody can push him around.” Buffalo followed the advice of both of her guides: one, to hold an online circle to address the microaggressions, and the other, about how to how to carry herself in the conversation. She felt safe in taking both approaches, because circle work is very familiar to her, and she was reassured by having her guide facilitate the challenging conversation between herself and a male in senior management. The meeting went well, and she said what she had to say, keeping in mind her guide’s advice. Buffalo left the meeting stating, “I felt amazing, after being able to say how condescending this white person always makes me feel in his emails, and you know all this stuff was really bothering me.” I believe this moment in her matriarch and leadership development did indeed allow her to find her roar (voice) in a manner that was safe and culturally appropriate. It took great courage to challenge others within the educational institution who held greater positional power than herself. It becomes even more complex and perilous if it is a cisgender heterosexual male leader higher up in the organizational hierarchy. 161 Physical ~ Behave ~ Sole Leader in a System and Loneliness To be, believe and behave as an Indigenous woman in educational leadership, Buffalo is constantly having to overcome her own personal insecurities—of feeling like she does not belong within the system. Imposter syndrome weighs heavily on her. As shared earlier, she is the only Indigenous person in her faculty, and the youngest in age and in experience. She is on a tenure track position and currently doing her PhD. She grapples with these factors daily and felt challenged to assert her matriarchy. Early in her current position as an educational leader, she was asked to sit on an interview committee for an Indigenous hire for another faculty at the post-secondary institute where she works. Buffalo, being the community-minded individual she is, and wanting to be supportive, said yes. Unbeknownst to her, the interview process entails extensive time and commitment, as she expressed in the following: You [must] go through each application, and you [must] pick your top five and put them in order. And then you go to the meeting, and then you guys talk about it, and you narrow it down to who you want to interview. And then you [must] take your candidates … [and] you [must] bring them to lunch, you [must] pick them up from the airport, you [must] do the interview, you [must] take them for dinner, you [must] bring them back. It is very time consuming. At the first meeting she attended she asked the committee why there was no Elder involved in the hiring process. She was questioned about whether an Elder needed to be present, to which her reply was, “It is an Indigenous position. There was an Elder at my interview.” She pushed the case by saying it was okay to have an Elder present, and they responded, “We need to 162 check with Human Resources.” The interview panel originally consisted of three white men, three white women, and Buffalo, who is Indigenous. She was asked to sit on the panel because they were hiring an Indigenous person for a tenure track position, and her opinion was needed, she believed. The Elder was included, and he and Buffalo contributed an incredible amount of time and effort supporting the process, which took from beginning to end to about a month. How the final decision came down and who was ultimately chosen for the position, as Buffalo explained, was “I do not even have a word for it, horrible.” She felt her work and the work of the Elder was tokenized. When the final decision was made, none of her recommendations were considered, and the Elder did not even get a vote as to who they felt was the best candidate. The committee’s collective top five did not match with Buffalo’s; she wanted to shortlist a candidate from a neighbouring Nation and they wanted to shortlist another Indigenous candidate. She provided the committee with a list of reasons she felt the other Indigenous candidate was not her top pick, highlighting a lack of evidence of self-identification within the candidate’s resumé or any corresponding research focused on Indigenous traditional teachings or Indigenous pedagogy. However, that Indigenous candidate was the committee’s top pick, and at the final sit-down, Buffalo said, “I already kind of had this idea they wanted to hire this lady.” The goal of the faculty at that time was to Indigenize its ranks, and she felt her number one pick would be the best candidate. So, Buffalo decided it was her time to take a stand and stood up for her beliefs. It unfolded as follows: [I went] head-to-head with this guy who was pushing 70—been in the department forever. Nobody really had my back. There was one guy that did, but nobody would stand 163 up to him. Remember, I am a month into this. So, my voice was already super small. And yeah—they did not listen. They did not listen to the Elder. The Elder ended up not coming because he felt like he did not have a voice and he was actually supposed to have voting rights, but they told him he did not. This experience of being called upon to give her opinion and share her knowledge as an Indigenous woman, only to be silenced at the end, was a devastating experience for paskiwimostos. It takes great courage, strength, and conviction to take on a senior scholar and academic when a person is new to the process. The fact she was invited to participate in the process and when the final decision was made, only to have her input disregarded by the entire committee, left her in her own words, “broken”: That feeling of having no voice. That feeling of being in a colonized situation where I have these white people telling me, as an Indigenous person, what is best for me. Yeah, I hear what you are saying, but we are going to decide what is best for you. I was just broken … because that feeling was just so personal. Like, I read about it. I hear about it, but to actually feel it. It was just horrid. The feeling that Indigeneity and intellectual knowledge is being used and exploited by the system to be able to tick a box is never a good feeling. The feeling of having your gifts be used and abused is a common experience amongst Indigenous leaders within educational spaces. There is the invitation to participate as window dressing in the hopes of Indigenizing a process, when the reality is having very little voice to help transform the outcome. There was no reciprocity in the relationship—it was the colonizer colonizing the already most-marginalized persons in the group—a young scholar seeking tenure and a community Elder. 164 Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Racism and Microaggressions It is becoming what you need to get the job done. —Buffalo To be, believe, behave and be an agent of change within the spaces she occupies as an educational leader and matriarch in higher education, Buffalo has had to come to understand how to navigate the colonial ivory white tower while being the sole Indigenous scholar in her faculty. For transformation to occur in the faculty she works in, she has come to realize that her matriarchy is much needed to break down the barriers she and her students face, so she says, “I just, I kept pushing it and pushing it.” She is referring to an earlier story where her voice was not heard or respected regarding the hiring of a tenure track candidate, despite her concerns. Her worst fears were confirmed when a student came to her and disclosed that the hired faculty was sharing racist, stereotypical information about Indigenous Peoples in her classroom. Buffalo met with the student who disclosed to her that she was feeling culturally unsafe in this fellow instructor’s class. The student shared with her, “This woman is racist. She is stereotyping … we are good swimmers because we traditionally live by the water … we do not own dogs as pets, because—you see the rez, right … we do not look after our pets.” Buffalo set up a meeting with the student and a senior management official, the same individual she had to meet about the email interactions shared previously. When the meeting took place, she was “a safety person for the student, guiding them through what is going on.” As a matriarch, she had the foresight to know that this meeting might not be a culturally safe environment for the student. Additionally, the power imbalance between the student and the male senior management member was a concern for her. Her matriarch and inner auntie, like all 165 the matriarchs and aunties before us, are fierce in protecting the ones coming behind. Although the student’s concerns were heard, nothing resulted from this meeting between Buffalo, the student, and the senior management official, so Buffalo decided she had two options moving forward—either accept the situation and let it go or fight it. As she is a matriarch, she decided to make the latter choice, and she approached another senior management official. She did not want this student and other students to continue to be harmed by the instructor’s racist and stereotypical views of Indigenous Peoples. The student was in tears in the meeting, as she had to sit through class listening to the following: “Who in here has lost somebody to drugs and alcohol? She [instructor] wanted people to raise their hands. You know, who has lost somebody due to suicide? And just laughing about it …” Buffalo’s main concern was for her students and the impact on their wholistic well-being. She also understood the larger systemic fallout that racism could have on the whole class and did not want this instructor “to be teaching. There were people believing things that she was saying because they do not know. So, if she is in there teaching this … there are so many huge impacts.” She continues to push and push for the future betterment of the students she serves, in hopes of transforming the system for the better, even if it means calling out other Indigenous faculty on their teaching praxis. Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge It is this voice I am finally starting to find … I wish I had this voice 5, 10, 15 years ago. This voice is slowly emerging and coming to be. —Buffalo 166 Buffalo is finding her voice and her way as a matriarch and auntie within the colonial white tower of the academy where she is significantly marginalized numerically in comparison to non-Indigenous faculty. A review of the staffing at the post-secondary institute where she works reveals Indigenous staff account for less than 0.01% of the entire staff. Despite being literally one of just a few in the entire institution, Buffalo, through her resistance and refusal, has not only found her voice but is finding her way to reclaim and resurge. A matriarch standing her ground in refusal and resistance, she has created space to become, as she said earlier, “who she needs to be.” She shared many stories of refusal and resistance with me—and one senior management individual keeps reappearing. There were two stories where Buffalo stood her ground, as the steady and sure-footed buffalo she is. The first was when a colleague in another faculty came to her, sharing that her students had written some reflections for an equity and reconciliation Sharing Circle. Her friend stated that a male senior management official wanted all of her students’ responses for a paper he was currently writing. He asked her to hand the papers over. Buffalo, when hearing this, said, “Tell him no. That is their personal journey. … It is all-round unethical … he wanted that information to better [himself].” She would not allow this senior official to abuse his position to better his own name while exploiting his staff and students who had not given consent. The following story was particularly hard for Buffalo to share as it had to do with the recent death of George Floyd and a response to the Black Lives Matter movement from the post-secondary institute where she worked. Buffalo is Indigenous and has children who are both Black and Indigenous. She received an email from the same senior management official, referred to above, asking her to volunteer on a faculty/student panel to talk about “racism, their experience with racism, [and] what they would say to bystanders.” Her response to the initial 167 email was, “As a mother of Black children, as an Indigenous woman, there was no way in hell I would volunteer for this.” She further added, “What is the purpose—other than putting me through trauma?” She was not opposed to having honest and brave conversations around racism and the Black Lives Matter movement, but her concern was how it would be delivered on campus. Buffalo “replied all” to the email and provided her reasoning in a transparent and honest manner: “As educators—as educators of educators we need to have conversations about Black Lives Matter. There [should be] no glorification of trauma and of individual experiences.” The alternatives she suggested were to provide educational modules to staff and students, and then hold large group conversations. As a relatively new, junior faculty member, she took a big stand by resisting and refusing the wishes of this senior management official. Buffalo shared that she was one of the very few to reply with an honest opinion and offer alternative ideas. She shared that many of her colleagues sent her individual emails and texts thanking her personally. While she was happy to be supported by her colleagues, she was also upset by the fact that they did not “reply all” instead. It is because of her firm opinion as an Indigenous matriarch and the mother of two Black and Indigenous children that the response of this senior management official was “[This] is not the right place to have these conversations. There is too much internal racism.” The additional fallout from this event not taking place was a discussion between faculties with the senior management official and his office. The meeting was an in-camera meeting, but Buffalo refused to turn her camera and audio on. She was expecting, “Your apology needs to be as loud as your disrespect.” Yet, that was not what took place. The senior management official did most of the talking while everyone else was silent. She did not hear any solutions or ideas 168 provided by the senior management official. So, with her camera still off she shared with the group the reason that receiving such an email request at that time was so triggering for her: I said this is hard. That day we were looking for my cousin down [in] Vancouver. She was missing. The previous day, I found out that [a relative] passed away from our community. This is our daily life. This is every day. We are dealing with missing and murdered Indigenous women, we are dealing with drugs and alcohol, and then we are having to come to work to talk about it. We cannot do that. It is tiring. I have a daughter and I have sons and so it makes it challenging. While refusing and resisting the needs of the institution, at the same time she was reclaiming and resurging her matriarchy for all to witness. She challenged the most senior management official with both reasonable logic and ethical care, not just for herself but for the whole student body community. She continues to challenge the senior management official, despite acknowledging, “When I go to those meetings, I am looked at differently by the white guys that [are] around the table.” Matriarchs and Indigenous aunties do not just watch over their own children but are responsible for caring for everyone’s children. We leave no child behind. Initially, both experiences appeared to extinguish her fire. However, I believe they kept the embers burning so that future sparks would continue to fuel her inner fire. Whether she is aware of it or not, her inner fire is being nourished by her own courage and belief in taking a stand when it counts the most. Buffalo shared this insight early on in our conversations: I am faking it until I make it because … I am like—this [is] not—not for me … I do not feel qualified to be in the position I am in. I feel like I do not have the knowledge to do 169 the work I am doing but community Elders and white people think I do. So, it is just trusting the process. She has found the way to navigate the journey of being a leader and matriarch—one that requires her to reclaim ~ refuse ~ resist ~ resurge all at once in the system she works and leads in. She has found her inner fire and continues to stoke the flames, which allows for her continual survival. Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Rematriating Our Leadership [We] are still maintaining our self-determination. —Buffalo Buffalo gathered her strength and inner fire directly from her mother, family, and Indigenous colleagues she works with at the post-secondary institute. Her self-determination is woven firmly together with her survivance in the academy as an up-and-coming educational leader and scholar. She has leaned heavily on family and work colleagues for support and credits them for helping her be able to stay in the academy: Part of that survivance is having—surrounding myself and creating that safe space, having my mom. She is the Elder for our teaching program. Finding those allies and those people that I can connect with in my work environment. It is also having a loving husband that really helps. All three (her mother, husband, and work colleagues) have provided her with strength and nourished her inner fire. This has allowed her stay in a place where she does not necessarily feel like she belongs, even though at times she felt she was not enough. Despite feeling alone at 170 times in the academic world, she has discovered strength in finding her own way. As she says, “Th[is] is why I go back to that leadership; I did not ask—the opportunities came to me. I had the right people supporting me and was able to pursue and persist … I must do this.” She understands others—the ancestors, her family, Nation, community and work colleagues—are counting on her continued resistance and persistence, so others may have an easier pathway forward. Buffalo’s self-determination and survivance have sustained her because she decided to lead from her own values that are grounded in Indigenous philosophy. She has had to do things differently. She shared, “I talked a little about how our leadership is different. We do not have that hierarchy; we are more as equals, and I am all about building capacity with students and colleagues.” Her leadership is relational and honours kinship relationships, human and non-human. Additionally, she has mentioned, “I am not the person who will overpower and take control … it is a team approach.” Her approach to leading in such a manner is as follows: “I think as an Indigenous woman, it is just natural for me to sit back, observe, see the lay of the land, watch the relationships, and how things work.” She wants her leadership to be a benefit to the community she serves; it honours reciprocity, which is a foundational teaching of many Nations. To survive the white tower of the academy, paskaowimostos said she has done many things differently than her colleagues who are non-Indigenous. Her self-determination and survivance is due to, in her words, “the way you lead as an Indigenous woman—it is kind of being like a shapeshifter. It is like Coyote Trickster in disguise. Or like Raven.” Indigenous women lead in multiple worlds, first their own and then everyone else’s. This type of leadership requires one to walk in many worlds. However, when you work in spaces that centre Western 171 ways and philosophies, this can be hard as an Indigenous leader. As shared by paskowimosotos, the walking in many worlds is hard and fraught with tensions and additional pressures: It is pressure and so when I am confronted with a situation that does not go my own way, I get pissed. I get frustrated but then most of all, I am disappointed. I try not to be disappointed in myself because what could I have done to change the situation and make it better so that it does not cause harm? Having to be a shapeshifter, to walk like Coyote or fly like Raven, is a challenge in a system where most have the benefit of just being in service to the institution or the educational organization they work for. Indigenous leaders are in service beyond the relationships and work they take up in the spaces they occupy as leaders. Indigenous women’s matriarchal lineages leave a trail for them to return home—one never forgets who one is and where one comes from. Buffalo acknowledged navigating multiple worlds and the frustration of a difficult leadership journey because her walk is different: But a colonizing system is not like that. It is not a team. It is not a community. It is not consulting with. It can be hard. And so, you almost must be one of them in order to make change. That is not how I behave. But in order to get my point across … to make change … you almost must assimilate. You must become one of them. And yeah, it is competitive. The challenge of keeping her spirit intact and not being consumed by the system, as well as maintaining her inner fire, is a daily battle. The pressure not to conform and assimilate one’s Indigeneity is a burden not faced by other, non-Indigenous leaders. Despite the struggle to be 172 seen and heard as an Indigenous woman matriarch, Buffalo knows that she has an obligation and responsibility to continue to show reciprocity for those yet to come and for those who have gone before her. This is not lost on her, and she shared, “So, [I am] just wanting to build bridges [to] allow Indigenous people, especially Indigenous women, to have a voice to be heard, because it is a daily struggle, and you must find those things that keep you fighting.” Those things are worth fighting for. She says she “is having to get that fire back … to feel like I have strength” so that others may see her fire and follow the path she has blazed and will continue to blaze. Summary Analysis: Surviving, Surthriving, or Not The stories of Eagle, Beaver, and Buffalo are ones of not surviving, surthriving, and surviving. Each of the women experienced their leadership differently while working in a decolonizing education system. The common threads that united their experiences were the following: being a sole leader in the system, loneliness, and challenging racism and microaggressions within their work environment. The experience of being a sole leader in an educational system impacted each of the women in this research project differently with regards to their ability to either remain in the system or leave it altogether. Racism and microagressions experienced by co-workers in the system impacted both Eagle’s and Buffalo’s wholistic well-being—spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. These experiences, which were numerous for both, left them feeling unsafe in their work environment. This lack of safety (in psychological, emotional, and physical terms) is confirmed by the research of Thorpe-Moscon and Ohm (2021), who note that Indigenous people pay a much higher “emotional tax at work” (p. 2) as compared to their non-Indigenous counterparts. Lack of feeling safe in the workplace is in line with Thorpe-Moscon 173 and Ohm’s (2021) research in which the authors reported that 61% of the Indigenous people they surveyed did not feel safe at work. The educational system has not responded well to supporting Indigenous leaders when they experience racism, as many continue to suffer in silence or see their concerns dismissed. This has led to their feeling unsafe in the workplace. The experience of racism and microaggressions is compounded by the feeling of loneliness due to being “one of” in the system. The women felt isolated and sometimes targeted by coworkers in the system. The feelings of loneliness and isolation negatively impacted their wholistic well-being. Additionally, Clark and Johnson (2017) report in their research that such experiences leave women leaders with diminished self-confidence and low self-efficacy. Experiences like this can push Indigenous women leaders out of the system, while others remain in their positions, learning how to navigate through the system. Navigation of the educational system is essential for survival for Indigenous women leaders, but it is very a very precarious pathway. Knowing how to navigate the colonial system is often fraught with tensions. It takes experience to know when to take action or when to speak out on an issue or not. This precarious navigation is a path they have to walk alone with no guides or support along the way. Surviving and surthriving in the system required these women to embrace and lean into their cultural teachings. Beaver’s and Buffalo’s ability to stay in the system was due their daily engagement in their cultural practices and teachings, which provided them with strength. They understood, as Taiaiake Alfred shared, that Indigenous leaders must return to “leadership based on traditional values” (Kenny and Fraser, 2012, p. 142). The self-determination and surthrivance that enabled them to remain in the system demonstrated their steady resolve to remain true to the 174 words of Minthorn and Chavez (2015): we are who we are “within [the] context of those we serve … we define ourselves” (p. 10). 175 Chapter 6: The Stories (Data) ~ Turtle and Wolf The stories of surthrivance continue with Turtle and Wolf, who share their lived experiences of leading and being in service to the education system and Indigenous communities. Their stories, like the stories of their Indigenous sisters in Chapter 5, will shed light on struggles and challenges, as well as the strength needed to surthrive in the educational spaces they occupy. Entering the spiral and the story of Turtle. Turtle ~ She Taught Me Truth Truth has to do with the turtle. When we walk with Turtle, we follow the cycle of the women and waters that come in and out. We are in tune with nature, and this is a very small part of our women’s teachings. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 Turtle descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me truth. She embodies and lives her truth daily. Her words and actions align as a mother, auntie, grandmother, and sister. She says, “I am a fledgling matriarch.” She shared with me the story of her mother and how important she has been to her own development as a matriarch and beginner weaver. Her mother was a master weaver, well known in the community and Nation she came from. Turtle shared, “I am indebted to her … through her makes me a matriarch, right, because she is a matriarch, and I am still trying to [become one]. My mom’s a matriarch [laughs].” She almost has to say this repeatedly to reaffirm her own belief that she is indeed a matriarch. She is 176 still processing what that means for her as an Indigenous woman, and the responsibility in embodying the work for herself and the community in which she lives and works. In the many years that I have known Turtle, I have seen that she daily embodies all the qualities that make her a matriarch—someone who continues to learn their language, traditions, and cultural practices so they can pass the teachings on to the next generation. She is a canoe puller and a weaver in training. As well, she participates in ceremony in the Bighouse in the territory where she currently resides. She is recognized by the Nation and community as a matriarch and strives to be in their service. She brings the teachings she receives from being a canoe puller and weaver in training to how she embodies her leadership and enacts her matriarchy. There is no separation between the personal and the professional; rather, she lives the values and philosophies, continually nourishing her inner fire daily by either being out on the water and/or having her hands on a loom preparing wool for her next project. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty A matriarch way of thinking is … what am I leaving behind? —Turtle Turtle embodies the Grandfather Teachings in her role as an educational leader and fledgling matriarch. She is a full-time activist and uses decolonial and social justice lenses when approaching her work. As an educational leader and matriarch-to-be, she educates others and is continually raising awareness about the injustices Indigenous students and families face in the education system that is still colonizing them. It takes a fierce leader and matriarch to do this work daily—one who uses love, courage, wisdom, truth, humility, respect, and honesty to fight 177 the injustices of colonialism, racism, discrimination, and sexism, to name a few practices that still exist in educational spaces. To become and be a matriarch is a great honour that Turtle shared she is still struggling to accept, even though she comes from a line of matriarchs and has been declared to be one by the community she lives and works in. Turtle shared a story of when she was doing Indigenous Education work of facilitating the BC Blanket by Kairos in the local high school’s community space. Over 100 participants were in attendance, and several of them were from the local Nations and were well-known matriarchs. This workshop can be particularly hard to deliver. Turtle shared, “It is very emotional, and I can only put my feelings in lockdown for a certain amount of time.” As a seasoned facilitator, she was very aware of her own triggers when delivering it. She finished it without showing emotion; she just wanted to clean up and leave after she was finished. As she shared, “It is just a self-preservation strategy, I suppose,” to pack up and leave as soon as possible. “Everyone needs to go now, like hey, we are all done.” However, two older community members from the local Nation, both of whom were matriarchs and one a counsellor, announced to the entire group the following: “Well, we feel that [she] is one of the matriarchs in our community.” This moment left Turtle initially speechless and thinking, “I was like, what? Like you said that out loud. That changes everything.” Although she is a matriarch following the pathway her mother laid down for her and the community who declared her one, I am still a fledgling matriarch, and I am not quite understanding. I am trying to understand, sorry, what that means. When they said I was a matriarch in front of all the people—I was just like, I was really shocked, right. I am shocked and humbled and what 178 does this mean? I have been able to kind of put that in my heart and try to figure out what that means. Turtle’s response to this moment in time is evidence of her embodying all the Grandfather Teachings—love, courage, wisdom, truth, humility, respect, and honesty. She showed truth and honesty in her initial response of being speechless. She demonstrated love and respect by accepting the words of the matriarchs in the community with humility. Turtle received those good words of the matriarchs and placed them in her heart, knowing that it would take both courage and wisdom to reflect on how she was going to enact being a matriarch on her own terms. It takes significant learning and commitment to community to become a matriarch. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings My spiritual practice … is my good heart, good mind. —Turtle To be an educational leader and matriarch requires one to practice their spirituality daily and let the teachings inform their wholistic self. Turtle is very committed to many spiritual practices that take her out on the water and the land almost daily. They not only nourish her spirit and keep her inner fire lit, but they also provide her with instruction and teachings on how to live her life, and she values these gifts. The spiritual practices she is committed to on a regular basis are being in the canoe, weaving, and drumming. She also practices cold water baths for cleansing and sweat lodge ceremonies when she can. Turtle has been a canoe puller for the last 27 years of her life. She trains and races every year. The canoe has brought her lots of joy, and as she said, “The canoe, I feel it is very spiritual. It is very meditative.” When she is in the canoe it gives her time to connect with the Creator and 179 her ancestors. She said: “It looks after me that way because then I can empty my mind of all—everything. That is my connection to spirit—[it] is emptying my mind and thinking of all the ancestors that have been in the canoes.” While in the canoe, on the loom, or drumming in ceremonies, Turtle uses these times for prayer and to connect to spirit and the Creator. As Turtle shared: The cultural—the meditation, the prayer, you know, praying is weaving. Praying is canoe time, intuition time, and of course, hand drum time. The hand drum—heartbeat of the people. I am passionate … and I am always grateful for [my mother-in-law], when we graduated from NITEP [Indigenous Teacher Education Program], she put a drum in my hand … connections to ceremony—like longhouse, sweats, fasting—those types of things, I think are really important. The cultural ceremonies that she has participated in have provided her with many teachings. As a canoe puller she has learned, “It is about relationships, and it is about discipline and sweat equity that needs to go into work.” As a weaver in training, Turtle shared her thoughts about weaving: “I think the other thing that gives me a lot of strength is weaving. Weaving really helps. And it is also kind of helping me unwind all my personal colonization, that internalized voice.” Weaving, besides providing a time for prayer, is a place that she can unload all her feelings that get stored up as “we live our genocide.” It provides a safe place for her to reflect and let go of all the negative experiences and just be in joy. As for participating in the sweat lodge, it also is a purifying ceremony. Turtle shared the following: “The sweat lodge ceremonies. You know the sweat lodge ceremony, the way I was taught or participated that the last round is the happiness round.” Her biggest teaching in 180 participating is the happiness of the fourth round. She said, “Yeah, because we still need that happiness round, we still need a celebration, and we still need just happiness.” The ceremonies bring her closer to herself, her spirit, and the happiness she wishes to feel as a human in this world. The last spiritual ceremony—water cleansing—is where one goes to the water when they need to cleanse from their body any negativity. Turtle does this ceremony when she is feeling low in spirit and needs to care for her spirit and herself. Taking care of her spirit is “going for a swim” in the river or ocean. Practising all these spiritual ceremonies allows Turtle to be her whole self. As she said, “If I can be in service to the xa:xa [sacred] way of life—then I am happy.” Spiritual practices are necessary for an educational leader and matriarch. They ground our whole way of being and connect us to our ancestors, the land, our plant relatives, and our winged, finned, four-legged, and rooted relatives. Turtle understands the necessary commitment one must make to spiritual practices and shared how they have been a benefit to her own life personally: You know part of all [these] teachings are to look after yourself. Right. These are all teachings around how to look after yourself, how to look after your body, how to look after your life, how to look after your family. And, “My spiritual practice is to be of a good heart and good mind.” Having a good heart and a good mind that is connected allows one to live a good life as a matriarch, leader, wife, and mother. 181 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy For all my layers of being colonized … that is where we are trying to get back to, right? —Turtle To be and believe in her own matriarchy and leadership, Turtle has struggled to accept herself due to the impact of colonization on her identity as an Indigenous woman. Despite being acknowledged as a matriarch in the community and supporting her Nation, she still views herself as a fledgling matriarch, and shared on numerous occasions that she does not consider herself a leader. She struggles with the title “leader.” She said, “I do not self-identify as a leader … and I am starting to see my reach of leadership is very minimal.” Her view can be attributed to the fact that she is considered a teacher leader and not an administrative leader in education. The hierarchization of the system has her feeling that the work she is doing is not as relevant as the work of other leaders in the education system. While she clearly states at the outset that she does not identify as a leader, she refers to both leadership values and traits throughout our conversation. Turtle feels much discomfort in calling herself a leader, but shared many positive stories of her leadership work within the community and the educational setting where she works. Matriarchs and leaders of communities embody their work and are in service to their Nations, communities, and their people. Turtle shared one story that emerged from her school community in which she had to believe in herself as both a fledgling matriarch and leader-to-be. This story challenged her understanding and the teachings she had received from her Nation and community. She questioned her own motives: “Do you want to be a leader that looks after family? What are our obligations? What kind of leader do I want to be?” 182 A community artist was carving a 6-foot house post for a school she was working at, and he experienced some health issues that prevented him from finishing the piece in its entirety. Because of this, the school principal at the time wanted to drop the project entirely and not honour the work. Turtle struggled with this and decided to have a chat with the principal about some of the challenges the artist faced. As she shared, “We are in our genocide and drugs and alcohol are part of it.” She felt the principal wanted “this perfect artwork because we are the perfect school, and we want this perfection.” The conversation and the transaction of the house post rested on a very “mainstream way of thinking.” It was about receiving the perfect piece of artwork to showcase. Turtle was concerned about the fallout with the local First Nation if this school did not honour the work of the artist, even though it was incomplete. She approached the conversation with love and compassion for the artist, saying I know he is somebody’s brother or uncle … in the community here in the valley, and so I was really cautious … you just want to write them off like the quick and the dead … I really cautioned them. She advocated like a matriarch for this community member, while she tried to convince the principal, who had more positional power in the educational hierarchy. As she said, “As a leader, as my spiritual practice—good heart, good mind—can we write off this community member?” She decided her connection to the community was worth fighting for to maintain good relations, and as she shared: My leadership, I feel, what influence I had at the time, I was, well, just put it up and just tell your students that life is always about a process. Life is always about a journey. I feel that the art still had a message. 183 And, she added, “I feel my leadership was to influence having that artwork continuing to be put up, whereas the mainstream leadership … was always about the biggest and the best.” Despite the discomfort of having to have a conversation with the male school administrator, she persevered through it, acknowledging, “Those are the spaces we are always up against” —the colonial spaces within which we need to prove our worth to exist, not just for us as Indigenous women who are leading, but for the Nations and communities we serve as well. Turtle shared another story about an encounter with a male administrator at a different school. She was advocating support for a young mother of six children. Prior to even going into the meeting, she expressed that she experienced anxiety and relied on breathing techniques to calm herself. She knew this principal to be condescending in his interactions with Indigenous families. Turtle shared that the meeting left her furious: Okay do not say anything, but the principal was hugely condescending about a single mom who had six kids from three different fathers, and he was very dismissive. He was very condescending to this mother and what he was able to do to support her. He was just like, oh well, the kids are this … it was just in the tone of his voice. Turtle left the meeting deeply disturbed, and she explained, “I do not understand the story he was trying to uphold but I do know it is patriarchy.” So, the male administrator was upholding patriarchy, and, as she further shared, “I think she was on welfare, and I think he had a lot to say about that, too.” Her reaction to his condescending tone, as she explained to me, was the following: 184 Of course, she is going to choose safety of herself and her children, you know, and [she] is trying to figure out her matriarchy and trying to figure out her strength and body sovereignty, everything else and she was poor. She preferred to take a trauma-informed approach and centre the good of the woman and children by sharing with the principal, “Let’s centre on the strength of what this woman can do. Let’s look at the strength of the children and how we can support their next steps.” While she was very disappointed with the response of the principal, she was not surprised given the numerous other similar interactions she has had over the years when advocating for Indigenous families and children. Internally, she was saying, “Shut the fuck up about your patriarchal commentary.” It is extremely challenging to uphold one’s matriarchy when one must do battle in a space where patriarchy is upheld by the hierarchy and normalized. Physical ~ Behave ~ Rematriating Our Leadership Fuck hope. Be Sovereign. (Jennifer Campbell, 2022, p. 86) To be, believe and behave as an Indigenous Education leader and matriarch in education, one’s actions need to demonstrate one’s body sovereignty, Turtle shared with me. To be sovereign one must act sovereign. How does one do that as an Indigenous woman leader? For Turtle to embrace body sovereignty as a whole person, personally and professionally, she needed to move beyond theory and into praxis. She has come to understand what body sovereignty means for herself since doing her master’s degree 10 years ago. Turtle lamented the loss of time, saying, “If someone had coached me in sovereignty in my BEd, I think things would have been quite different … very different from my voice … and how I centred things.” Despite feeling like she lost time, it has become her way of being. As she says, “So, sovereignty … is the very key 185 piece to how I centre myself,” and “I do it to the best of my ability so that I feel like I am doing my piece.” Turtle keeps her focus on the future and on her ability to remain sovereign as an Indigenous woman and matriarch. As she shared with me: I must keep sovereignty like the Wayfinders on the ocean. You know, I must look at that North Star. But it is so much more than that, it is my guiding star. That is where I want to go [but] I am not going to get [there] in this lifetime. So, despite perhaps never getting there she does not give up, as she knows she is here to serve a purpose in this time and that her commitment is transforming the future. To enact body sovereignty, one must think and do, continually find ways to discover the tools and pick them up and use them, Turtle explained. It is a process of recovering the tools. She said, “I am trying in all my spaces … for the weaving piece, for the canoe piece—trying to find our tools—our sovereign tools.” She has spent some time critically reflecting: The ideas of sovereignty, I feel, really guide me on what tools I can have, what I have access to, and what I can do with our laws. It is a huge guiding piece in how I conduct myself—it’s my sovereignty. To be, believe and behave sovereign as an Indigenous woman is a powerful feeling in educational settings. To have the space to be whole, standing in our body sovereignty, and to be seen as such, Turtle shared, “helps you to become stronger … and it has totally realigned … my whole life.” With this feeling of empowerment also comes the understanding of additional obligations, as acknowledged by Turtle: 186 Our blood [lineages] are obligations to the land. How are we going to give back? You know, that reciprocity—where is my reciprocity? How am I going to give back? Our sovereignty [is] like we are in the land and the land is in us. We must honour that responsibility to our ancestors and to our first mother, Mother Earth. Indigenous people have been taught to honour our connection to the land we come from because we are a relative to the land and we are in relationship with her. She has treated us well and we need to do the same, being mindful that we are connected to the web of life and have a responsibility to live a good life so there is something for the seven generations after us. Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Cultural Teachings and Loneliness I just have my tiny pieces of the puzzle of what sovereignty is, and what it means for my work. —Turtle To be, believe, behave and be an agent of change, Turtle centres body sovereignty at the heart of her personal and professional life. She fears what would happen if she did not. As she says, “You can really get lost. We can get so lost … in Aboriginal Education specifically.” She shared that in her time as a matriarch and a leader, she has advocated for the conversation on sovereignty and what it means in the context of Indigenous Education. She believes it has been denied in spaces where the conversation could take place; for instance, with the Aboriginal Education Enhancement Agreements that came into existence in 1999 with a focus on improving academic performance and outcomes for Aboriginal learners; and now, more recently, the Equity 187 in Action Project.6 These two initiatives were developed and designed by British Columbia’s Ministry of Education and are partnered with BC school districts, Indigenous Nations, and Indigenous organizations. Turtle said, “Nobody … across the province is using the word ‘sovereignty’ regarding education,” and for her it is very disappointing. She feels we will get “lost” if we do not intentionally centre sovereignty within educational policy so that it is visible for everyone to see that it is the end game. Not seeing sovereignty in educational policy documents has left her feeling a sense of “emptiness” and feeling “really alone,” she shared, because of “being denied this space.” This denial of “whatever is Indigenous or what I think is Indigenous is denied space quite often,” which is ultimately erasure of Indigenous ways of knowing and being in education. This is very hard when one is Indigenous and knows the lasting impact colonialism has had on the land, language, and cultures of Indigenous Peoples. While Turtle centres the concept of sovereignty as a way of thinking, she also embodies it within her leadership work and as a matriarch. As she has repeatedly shared in her conversation with me, “If you want to be sovereign, then you need to act sovereign.” So, Turtle does that in the way she has come to understand. She has found the deeper understanding and the necessary pieces that have helped her to become a whole person: But my new self—because I’m trying in all my spaces, including my personal spaces—for the weaving piece, for the canoe piece—trying to find our tools—our sovereign tools. What tools am I allowed to pick up and what tools does my family have, right? What do I 6 The Equity Scan defines a collective and collaborative decision-making process for school districts to enter into a genuine and meaningful self-assessment dialogue about the experience of education for Indigenous learners and to respond in strategic ways to create conditions for success. 188 have access to? … The ideas of sovereignty, I feel, really guide me on what tools I can have, what I have access to, what I can do with our laws … with[in] our system. She picks up the sovereign tools and brings them and uses them in both her professional and personal spaces to create space for herself and other Indigenous people. She is an agent of change, rolemodelling to other Indigenous people what it means to think and act in a sovereign way. In educational spaces, Turtle brings her weaving into spaces not often occupied or seen. She shared with me a story about a time when she brought in a weaving loom as an educational display for a school. The teachers in the school had never seen one before, which left Turtle feeling apprehensive. She said, “It was sort of like my litmus test … my evaluation of, I guess, my safety level, dropping off a loom.” This experience was a moment of acting sovereign but it was also a very painful moment for her. As an agent of change and a sovereign being she educated the educators on Salish weaving and shared: We are in Coast Salish territory … Salish weaving is forever. It is a huge textile industry, historically, and will again be a huge textile industry … I am just going to make a request that while this loom stands in your entryway, you do not hang anything on it. Do not hang posters on it. Do not hang clothes on it. Do not use the top doweling to hang hangers or … coats on it. It is not a coat rack. It pained Turtle to have to educate others about the beauty of Salish weaving. As she expressed, “As a weaver that just hurt my feelings.” Additionally, she felt the lack of understanding and of having to repeatedly be on the receiving end of the “perfect stranger,” a concept that comes out of Susan Dion’s (2007) work on teacher education. This work describes 189 how settler educators position themselves as not having any connection to Indigenous Peoples or perspectives, yet assume a stance of “innocence” which absolves them of a responsibility to know, understand, and be in relationship with Indigenous Peoples and their histories, languages, or cultures. This stance further perpetuates the continued erasure of Indigenous Peoples and their knowledges and praxis within education. Turtle said, “So, it is the not knowing, that perfect stranger position, what a royal place to be to not know … I feel [it] is a form of racism … and that part is painful for me.” It is in the educational spaces where she is trying to use her sovereign tools and exert her sovereignty as a canoe puller and weaver that she faces repeated trauma, yet she continues, because she knows she has a responsibility as a fledgling matriarch to generations of children yet to come. In her personal spaces, being her sovereign self brings her much joy. As an artist and Salish weaver, she has created both shawls and headbands for friends and the chief of her Nation to wear in community and in ceremony. Doing this kind of work, being her sovereign self, creating pieces using her sovereign tools reaffirms her body sovereignty. She affirms: To me that is me being sovereign … I gave that [headdress] to the head of my clan. If I want to be sovereign [then] I need to act sovereign. Which means as an artist … I need to create for my Nation … [and] my family. The act of body sovereignty in her personal and professional life leads her back to her own Nation and the sole reason is to “strengthen our relationship with each other.” Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Lack of Safety Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge 190 I kind of gave up hustling for my self-worth because for a long time I was like, you know, please like me. —Turtle Turtle’s sovereign Indigenous body carries her sovereign tools in a decolonizing education system as she refuses and resists assimilation or engaging in “code-switching” for survival. Code-switching is “shifting or manipulating one’s behaviors to appeal to a different crowd or audience” (Washington-Harmon, 2022, para. 8). Turtle acknowledged the challenge Indigenous people face in leadership positions, whether as a teacher leader or an administrator: “I think the leading part is tough because [the] code-switching is so difficult.” Those who chose to code-switch do it because, as she expressed, Indigenous people are being “denied space.” This necessitates code-switching to fit in to be seen and heard. For herself and her leadership style, she decided about five years ago that she was not going to continue to hustle in white spaces where, she acknowledged, “the principals, assistant superintendents, and superintendents are severely, severely colonized.” Turtle said, “All that hustling and working so hard, all of us, I feel we worked so hard in these spaces.” Her change in work philosophy came about at a time when the district restructured the department she worked in, and the new vision and plans did not include her. The district hired a non-Indigenous woman into the position of principal. This person restructured the department, which ultimately left Turtle without a job. She left the district to work in another district. However, this experience left her at her lowest regarding her wholistic well-being. Turtle shared that she was devastated by “being knocked down … I took it quite personally.” She spoke of the loss of all the work she had put into the district over the numbers of years she had served there: 191 I think that is part of being a leader, you have put this energy and love and caring into a project or way of being. It is very, I feel, very matriarchal, like … a mother, as a grandmother … the hours of sacrifice and nurturing … that it takes. So, being sort of dismissed … it has had a big impact on my wholistic way of being. It just hurts you everywhere because you have made it with your mind, body, spirit, and emotions. You have created this space with all of you … with caring and humility. Turtle knew she was in deep trouble with her wholistic well-being, and shared: I don’t know what to call it, but I was afraid, and it was not that I was in danger of, you know, taking my life for that sort of … situation, but I was certainly in danger of not recovering, like in dire, dire concern, and a big piece of that was I had lost my humour … yeah [laughs]. That is how I could tell I was in trouble. I knew I was in trouble when I could no longer laugh at things, or I had a hard time getting out of bed—that kind of space. While this experience left her deeply depressed, impacted her wholistic well-being, and almost extinguished her inner fire, an ember remained. That ember smouldered, sparked, and fuelled her resolve to survive. She recovered her strength to reclaim and resurge. Her laughter and her humour returned when she moved to another district to resume the same work as an Indigenous teacher leader. Turtle fully embraced her new philosophy of how she would engage as a matriarch and in her leadership; she decided she would no longer be hustling for approval from others. This nourished her spirit. She acknowledged that she had to challenge 192 those [in] power structures … I do adhere to Trickster, and I do adhere to humour. And very much, I guess, trying to deconstruct however I can … [and] I feel like I need to challenge them a little bit. She moved forward in her next district, believing, “Well, if you are Indigenizing the space—you are supposed to be deconstructing to me.” Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Cultural Teachings and Lack of Safety The Elder was like, it is not the paddle. It is the effort behind the paddle. —Turtle Turtle has gathered strength from her family, from kinship relations, and from participating in ceremony. The connections made and maintained in relation to the land and territory where she lives and works has sustained her surthrivance and self-determination as an Indigenous woman. When her survivance was waning or when she was unsure of her own self-determination, she could go to them. She thanked her husband for being a “helper and supporter type of person” and her daughter for giving her strength to embrace “a little bit of anger … fierceness.” Additionally, it was the canoe and sacred ceremony that brought her wholistic balance and fuelled her surthrivance and self-determination. As Turtle has shared previously, the canoe and being a canoe puller has had a profound influence on her personal and professional life as a matriarch and on her own leadership development: I think the biggest thing for my survivance and where I gather my strength from is from the canoe; the war canoe is hugely important to me. The hours and hours of training, and so when people talk about Indigenous Knowledges … this is probably the key factor in 193 maintaining balance and being able to stay in the position that I am in. It is Indigenous Knowledges that are earned. She added: I identify as a canoe puller, and I know, whoever is in my canoe, that it does not matter. We have been told for years and years that it does not matter whether you are sitting in the front, or second, or third, or fourth, or fifth, all the way down to being the skipper … look to the collective. She takes away many teachings from being in the canoe. It has taught her that you earn knowledge by working for it. The relationship in receiving knowledge and then gifting the teachings of others requires, as she shared, sweat equity. The canoe has taught her respect, discipline, hard work, patience, and most importantly, humility. As she quoted the Elder above—it is in the effort behind the paddle and not the paddle itself. While she has found ways to survive and be self-determining in her work, it has not come without many moments of insecurity regarding her own personal and professional well-being. She has struggled at times to keep her fire lit. The patriarchy and hierarchy that are sustained in educational organizations have deprived her fire of oxygen at times, and not allowed her voice to speak up. 194 Turtle shared one moment in her career that continues to have her questioning, “How do I maintain my inner fire?” She was in a meeting with a white male superior who “called one of our young girls a ‘tall glass of water.’”7 She said: I failed to speak up … but I was really worried about my own personal safety by what these people were saying, and these people, meaning leaders … hav[ing] influence over me and my job. I felt suddenly very unsafe by what was being said … I still feel like I failed in that moment. And so, where is my inner fire in those moments? She was appalled that one of the young Indigenous community members was sexualized in such a manner by a senior administrator, and that no other non-Indigenous person in the room spoke up on the younger woman’s behalf. She felt powerless to speak up and was silenced out of fear for her own personal safety and job security. While the moment is unreconciled for Turtle, it was a teaching moment. In the future she will have to speak up and accept the risk for speaking back to authority. The Elders she has been in relationship with, the canoe club where she has been pulling for the last 25 years, and the ceremonies she has attended have gifted to her the understanding of what leadership entails and what it means to be a matriarch. Her inner fire has been fuelled by family, community relations, and ceremony, and it has provided her with the following, as she shared: 7 “The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as ‘a tall, slim, long-limbed person.’ But the dictionary also claims that early in its history, the phrase was derogatory” (Bozeman Daily Chronicle, 2019, para. 2). 195 I found strength in my own voice … using my own voice [and] I guess my inner fire is always trying to have a good heart and a good mind. My inner fire is how I am going to walk my walk. One of the most honoured roles to have in Indigenous communities, besides being an Elder, whether in ceremony or not, is to be a helper. As Turtle shared, “If I can be in service to the xa:xa way of life then I am happy. That is where I get my strength is in serving [others].” The greatest gift is to give back more than one receives—the highest form of reciprocity. To be, believe, behave, and become an agent of change with one’s matriarchy as an Indigenous woman serving in education takes great perseverance and inner strength. The Indigenous women’s gifts captured in the stories are evident, and these gifts are what makes them feel whole. They embody and navigate their leadership to be in service to education. They must strategically reclaim, refuse, resist, and resurge carefully to ensure they do not get lost or pushed out of the system. Surthrivance in the educational system is finding your space and claiming it unapologetically for the future benefit of the generations of children and learners to come. Entering the spiral and the story of Wolf. Wolf ~ She Taught Me Humility Many teachers walk with humility and Wolf. You are lifting up children. In order to teach what you know and the knowledge you want to convey, you must have humility. That is walking with Wolf. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 196 Wolf descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me humility. Wolf walks with humility. She has centred and lifted children in her work every day. She grounds humility in her walk and how she comes into relationships. The approach is one that is both graceful and gentle. Wolf taught me how we need to be aware of how we walk into others’ houses, as she puts it. She said, “I had to understand how I engaged people when I walked into their house. I am always walking into their house—school, their house. How do I walk in?” The walk and how you walk into others’ houses with humility is something Wolf came to learn from her relatives or, as she said, “That is what your aunties do. That is what the Elders do.” They walk in a certain way, and she took the teachings from Indigenous aunties and Elders, and self-taught herself the way she needs to walk. She recognized that as an Indigenous woman doing this work, as the sole Indigenous leader within the school district, “My demeanour needed to change and be responsive to every learning environment.” So, as she shared: “I just smiled and lifted them up and acknowledged their hard work that day or whenever it was they were involved; then they would often release any angst and then we would walk together and begin a conversation.” It is about connection and building relationships that lead to trust. So, as Wolf shared, one cannot slide into the business, the work right away. [You] come in and greet [them] … a warmth, sharing space, and acknowledging [them]. Who [they] are, how are [they] doing, lifting [them] up. That is a way of being and when I actually started practising that, things really started to change for me. 197 This is an important teaching, as she shared earlier, learned from aunties and Elders; the importance of walking with humility and being aware of how one walks into another’s house, whether it be a territory not of one’s own or a school one does not work in. The walking with humility is important because it helps better the future of Indigenous children, and ultimately all children, as they are precious. It is important to lay one’s ego to the side and remember the purpose of the walk and who one is doing it for. This is very different from conventional ideas of leadership where titles and positions are very important to positional status within the education system. As we have been taught by relatives and Elders—the young ones are always watching us, how we act and speak, and how we walk into spaces with humility. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty In leading against systemic racism, I use my fire because that is where the warrior needs to come out. —Wolf Wolf embodies the Grandfather Teachings as a social justice warrior woman and matriarch leading as the sole Indigenous Educational administrator in her district. She embodies all the teachings ~ love ~ courage ~ wisdom ~ truth ~ humility ~ respect ~ honesty to advocate for Indigenous children and the injustices they experience in a decolonizing education system. She has been a social justice warrior and matriarch for much of her career, mostly as a teacher leader, and for the last five years or so as an administrator. 198 In her career as a teacher leader in Indigenous Education, she was witness to many injustices against Indigenous children in education. She herself experienced microaggressions and racism at the hands of her colleagues. As she shared with me: I was at a crossroads, a crossroads of continuing to do what I was doing in education or following the fire of passion that I had inside of me because I kept running up against things I could not accommodate; injustices, realities that were not only unfair, but unjust for Indigenous children. Wolf relied on wisdom ~ truth ~ honesty to decide on her pathway moving forward. As an educator, she came to the realization, “I could only make so much change happen, my locus of control was small. I could not effect change to education systems and structures that I felt were crucial.” Wolf began to think about how she could do this and change her sphere of influence so that she could affect and impact change for Indigenous learners in education. She listened to the wisdom of an Elder who she trusted at one of the schools where she worked as a teacher leader: So, an Elder who used to come into my Indigenous primary program every Friday, he would gather us afterwards, the Indigenous support worker and myself as the educator, and we just talked, and he would tell stories. And he said, ‘I really want to encourage Indigenous women to move into leadership roles.’ He was the very first Indigenous teacher hired [in] BC—in 1960. He was the very first Indigenous principal in the province of BC and the very first Indigenous superintendent in the province of BC. 199 Wolf took the time to be present and to listen to the wise words of her Elder, who helped her to understand truth and honesty. She shared that the Elder really believed that Indigenous women needed to be in leadership positions in education—positions that included administrative positions. She added: So, I listened to him, and I thought, you know, I am going to get my master’s degree. I think it was his words that inspired me to [act]. I sat with him and learned from him, his teachings, his stories with the students. I really had a great respect for him. I went to … university, and enrolled in a Master of Educational Leadership program. It was not my first choice, but for some reason, I ended up in that program, and it really helped me to understand the educational system. Wolf continued the pathway inspired and laid out by her Elder, centring love ~ courage ~ respect ~ humility for the hard work ahead and for the Indigenous children and communities she knew she needed to serve. She undertook graduate studies to deepen her understanding of educational systems she worked within so “I [could] learn how to best Indigenize them through the lens of local territory as best as I could. So that was my path. I interviewed for a position … [and] it was where the deeper learning began.” Her love and respect for Indigenous children and communities pushed her forward to take the next courageous step forward and walk with humility. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings I also need to be a warrior when I need to be. —Wolf 200 Wolf is both an educational Indigenous woman warrior and a matriarch. She addressed herself as a warrior, so therefore she is also a matriarch. She has been gifted two Indigenous traditional names by two Nations that are not her own and been adopted into one. The formal receiving and gifting of a name is a very high honour and worthy of the matriarchal work she has accomplished in her lifetime as an Indigenous educator and administrator. As the sole Indigenous administrator in the district she worked in, to “just be” she had to rely on her matriarchal strength and spiritual practices to keep her inner fire sustained. Wolf shared, “I knew I felt outside of the system, as I did not have an Indigenous Education team to learn [with] and build strong [a] strong foundation to do some of the hard work with.” She was ultimately a lone wolf working outside of her own territory. She relied heavily on her spiritual practices and inner fire to guide her and provide her with the will to survive the loneliness of being “the only one.” Wolf believed strongly in utilizing the power of the spiritual gifts and teachings she has received to provide her with both guidance and a safe place to be. When things become a challenge in her work, she said, “I ask spirit for guidance.” It is a common practice for her to pray often and “ask for guidance before bed.” She shared that in her cultural practices and teachings, dreams are a form of knowledge, and she sought answers to her challenges from dream knowledge. As she shared: In my culture we dream. And then I have dreams that seem to answer my questions. Everything happens in my dreams. Then I get up the next day and I know what to do. I do this a lot. My hardest decisions and things that involve community and students in 201 difficult situations, Indigenous families, I make all the decisions that way because somehow all the answers come at night. Praying and dreaming provide her with guidance in her decision-making. If, when she awakens in the morning and still feels unsettled by a major challenge or decision, she will rely on sacred medicines to clear any negative thoughts or energies. Wolf shared, “When I wake up, if something is more urgent, or I am too agitated in the day—if something has happened and I do not feel centred …” she will seek out her medicines, such as tobacco or sweetgrass, for their medicinal healing properties. To ground herself and clear her mind, she shared: I smudge and I usually use sweetgrass because sage is strong for me. If it is shifting the energy that I need to shift, a space, or people in a space, or hurt or harm has happened, I use a combination of local cedar, sage, and tobacco. Tobacco is not local, but it does just depend on what is available and what territory I am on, sometimes juniper if it is up north. Depending on the land and where I am at, we burn to clear the energy, giving all involved an opportunity to continue in a good way. Indigenous leaders who are the “only ones” in any system rely on sacred medicines heavily. They also rely on the moral support of family, friends, and community members for personal and professional advice and mentorship. Wolf shared that these connections were vital for providing her with a new perspective or helping her reframe a challenging situation: I have some colleagues [and] friends that I can confide in. I have a partner who I confide in. Mostly Elders—if I have something that I cannot seem to work through, I go to an Elder that I trust, that knows me. I always feel like I gain the most perspective that way. 202 It is usually an Indigenous person because of [their] perspective, right, —although I really value my colleagues’ perspectives in terms of the system. Wolf’s most trusted guides are the Elders she has worked alongside within education and community as she feels they know her best as an Indigenous woman. Their advice keeps her grounded within her worldview. Yet, she also values the guidance of non-Indigenous colleagues who help her navigate on the inside of the system. Indigenous gratitude is at the heart of Wolf’s daily spiritual praxis. Giving thanks daily and being grateful for one’s supports like guides and Elders who provide advice and guidance is very important to her. As she shared, “I try to remain grateful and express gratitude … I express gratitude daily.” Wolf shared how she expresses gratitude at all times: Express gratitude daily even when things are not going well, but you can—I can always be grateful for so many things. So, I find expressing my gratitude daily really helps my practice. And I listen to the Elders. There are so many incredible Elders in the district I work in, and I look at their lives and their teachings and I think—they keep going. They never stop, and I need to follow their example. I need to keep going. Wolf used her spiritual practices and gifts to find her place and sustain her strength as the sole Indigenous administrative leader in her district, the only person in her department to plan, implement, and deliver Indigenous Education. As she said to me, “I use spirit and smudging, and I dream. All those things help me become clearer when it is hard—stronger.” 203 Emotional ~ Believe ~ Sole Leader in a System and Loneliness These injustices—I cannot get lost in this stuff. —Wolf To be and believe as an Indigenous woman warrior and matriarch and the sole leader in a district can be challenging, as Wolf shared previously in her other stories. Wolf, like her sisters, has struggled to navigate the colonial system as the sole Indigenous leader in her district. It is a struggle to believe in ourselves and embody our leadership in a colonized system. The reality is, in fact, a person can lose themselves and their pathway entirely; the higher someone ascends in the hierarchy, the more they can lose their way. Wolf shared her concern about getting lost in her leadership and lost in her emotions. The work she engaged in was extremely challenging and complex, requiring her to navigate multiple worlds at the same time. She said to me, “Sometimes, you know, it is hard to maintain your sense of self and self-preservation.” She reflected on colleagues in similar positions: “They are warriors. Their spirit [and] their fire does not go out. They are warriors and when you look at the Elders and the resilience of Indigenous Peoples over the generations, we are still here. We are warriors.” Despite considering herself a warrior for Indigenous children, families, and communities, the struggle of navigating both injustices and racism within her work and trying to maintain her balance took a toll on her emotional health. The strength of being a warrior daily but doing it as the sole leader in the system does have a deep impact on one’s wholistic well-being—spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Wolf’s struggle to help others as a leader and fight injustices impacted her emotional health significantly. She said, “I feel so deeply” for others 204 impacted, especially the children, and so “I became so frustrated with the system.” Wolf’s having to fight for herself and carrying the fight for those she serves eventually wore her down. For much of her administrative career, this is what she experienced: Working and being in the middle of a colonized system that is systemically racist and where the dominant worldview persists. Racism is overt [and] and no longer subtly systemic. I think the impacts are something that marginalized children and people feel, predominantly Indigenous Peoples. So, I guess, what I always have to think about these injustices is—I cannot get lost in this stuff. Navigating a colonized and hierarchical system, particularly leading from the middle of the organization where one serves both the lower and upper management, is extremely challenging. For five years of her administrative career, Wolf was a district administrator but not a member of the senior management team. She had no seat at the table. She did not work directly alongside school-based administrators in their schools. She operated within the layers of hierarchy with no formal team to be a part of. She was stuck in the middle of nowhere in the organizational hierarchy. She loved her position and understood she must constantly be a warrior “in leading against systemic racism,” and she utilized her fire “because that is where the warrior needs to come out.” However, being that one warrior fighting to stay in the system, and battling “systemic racism [that] is built into the public school system” brings emotional harm to even the strongest of warriors. Fighting systemic racism that is inherent in a system where one is “the only one” and has no team to lean onto for support, can and does harm the one who is shouldering the weight. The experience of emotional labour and exhaustion for Wolf was further exacerbated by the 205 emotional alienation and isolation she felt by working in the system. She shared with me, “I do not know how to explain that. But I think in my role and in my experiences these last six years, I lost myself in there 75% of the time.” The navigation of multiple worlds and worldviews left her emotionally isolated. She said, “Five years of being by myself—that was hard.” Wolf shared that the fight has you “compromis[ing] yourself over and over again. You get into a little bit of dissonance. That happens a lot. I find that the hardest part. They will not understand what I am saying.” As a result of the repeated battles, she became worn down. She shared her feelings and what she had to do to survive in the moment to protect and shield her emotions: It hurts. I think the part of me that hurt the most, and it still hurts, is when I think about it. I cry [voice soft]—the times I am in my office alone and I shut the blinds and I shut the door. I would sit there, and I go, you know, the tears are just falling down my face and I would go, like, I just feel so alone. Alone. Just so alone. Just so alone. She sought refuge away from others so she could sit in darkness and silence to regain her balance and gather herself up spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Wolf shared: I need them away from me. I needed everyone away. I turned the lights out. Then I had a quiet space that I could control. I had to, you know, reignite the energy inside of me if I had enough time to do that. Sometimes things are slamming, and you have to go, go, go and if you do that too many times [sniffs] you are really hurting your spirit. And the hard part of all of this is there is usually just one of us in every school district. The loneliness Wolf experienced over the course of five years had her questioning her belief in herself. Could she be the warrior with the emotional strength to prevail and be 206 victorious in defeating the system? Not getting lost, not losing one’s way, and not losing oneself within the organization and the work being accomplished is defeating the system. Wolf had many moments of defeating the system, but many moments where she felt defeated by the system. The perseverance to prevail in the system with one’s being wholistically intact, while being seen and heard, should be a right and not a privilege. She acknowledged that the complexity of the position, the intensity of the work, and the loneliness were all factors in her feeling lost for three quarters of the time she worked in the district. Wolf felt lost because she did not have a team she could anchor herself to in her work. She was the sole Indigenous leader, warrior, and matriarch, struggling to stay grounded and balanced wholistically. Physical ~ Behave ~ Navigating the Hierarchy I am sovereign to being Indigenous to myself. —Wolf To behave as a warrior woman leader and matriarch while being the sole Indigenous person leading in her district, in a territory not her own, required Wolf to navigate or “dance” very carefully. For her whole life, she has always been a visitor to someone else’s territory, and she said, “I never grew up on my reserve with my community.” She has always lived away and has been a warrior woman and matriarch in other Nations’ territories. The dance of trying to be her sovereign self as a matriarch and navigating relations between the board that employed her and the Nations she was in relationship with brought great rewards, but also many tensions. As her sovereign self, navigating many responsibilities and dancing with multiple worldviews was very tiring. It was a constant challenge. This dance of negotiating relationships tested her humility and calm demeanour. 207 Wolf shared a story, and introduced it by saying, “I was really offended by and had no idea how someone could have done something—something so egregious involving an Elder, who witnessed a shocking [performance].” The Elder was upset by the school’s performance. So the dance began of negotiating and repairing relations between the school district and the Nation of which the Elder was a citizen. As Wolf shared: I was horrified when this happened in our district, to one of our leaders. I had to keep myself in check. It was the most revered Elder. She is known everywhere. She witnessed this. I was in a position of having to address this in a way that would help all involved be seen, heard, and understood in a very deep and personal way. The difficulty of the dance and trying to maintain her sovereign self puts Wolf in a difficult position. As an employee of the board, she is expected to role model how to maintain good relations; yet, as an Indigenous relative to the Nations she must advocate for their cultural safety, and do her best to right wrongs. Negotiating from the middle, as she said, “was a dance. That was when I was tested because I think I came in pretty hot.” This dance drains the wholistical well-being of Indigenous leaders because it is never-ending in their work. Wolf said: It is a dance and I dance around the circle all the time. And then I ask for help. And then I smudge and then I dream. And then I try to beat the system and I walk in all the worlds and then something happens. I must defend an Elder and then this and then [that]—like it is a dance. It is never-ending. 208 This constant dance of trying to meet multiple expectations and multiple worldviews is extremely challenging even for the strongest and most experienced educational warrior and matriarch. As Wolf shared: I think it is so complex that we are working in a way that is not cultural, regardless of who you are and what your culture is. Or where you are from, or your ways of being, nothing about this pace or the work and the way we do it in this system that we call a school has anything to do with your way of being. So, you are always trying to run and catch up, trying to interpret the best way to move forward. But you are never able to do it in a good way. As Wolf shared, the tension of trying to negotiate a conflict not of your making, one as challenging as repairing relations between a school district and a sovereign Nation, is very complex and is often laid squarely on the shoulders of Indigenous leaders. Wolf reflected, “What I noticed when I worked in community with Elders, was that I was often in a quandary; the district wanted results in one way, not understanding the community’s way of being, their perspectives and protocols.” Negotiating a good outcome for all put an additional burden and more work on Wolf’s shoulders. She said, “That is part of what we do, we clean up messes,” like the dirty dishes even when we are not invited to sit at the table. She shared, “I am always navigating a positive resolution for both worlds, and so it is a lot more work.” These tasks of dancing, cleaning up other messes not her own, and negotiating multiple worlds as an agent of the board and a member of the Indigenous community, said Wolf, 209 require way more work, [and] ways of communicating, learning, and thinking. In school systems it is very institutional and [that is] not how it works in community. So, you are always trying to marry a system that does not fit. There is only one way to cope, as Wolf shared: “The only way we can do this dance [is] together … we keep trying … [and] we do it with love and we open our hearts.” Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Racism and Microaggressions Now I am at the point where I have heard enough and I ask myself, “What are we going to do about it?” —Wolf To be, believe, behave and be an agent of change Wolf realized that to survive as a leader in the system she needed to expose and dismantle the systemic racism that Indigenous children and families experienced. She would need to call on allies to help her. She herself had already experienced a lifetime of racist experiences as a teacher leader in the system and was witness to Indigenous families and children receiving the same treatment. Her own experiences of racism fuelled her inner fire to act. Wolf shared with me two stories of such experiences from early in her career. The first story is as follows: I encountered another teacher on the playground who asked if I was a real teacher. So, you know, I am trying to keep a straight face. I thought, wow. I was not expecting that. I thought what do you say? I thought why would you ask me that? That this is a very silly question, and then I really had to think about it. I thought, oh my god, she just decided I was not smart enough to be a teacher and I must be an EA [educational assistant]. 210 The other story is about an interaction between herself and a school principal, in which she was pulled into the office for a conversation. Wolf, who had never met this principal, felt anxious by being singled out. Here is what she shared: The principal took me aside in the hallway and said, “Can I talk to you?” I said sure. “I am just going to take you to my office.” Oh, okay. And then she shut the door and I was feeling anxious, worried that I had done something wrong, and she leaned in and really quietly said, “Oh, I just wanted to talk to you, how did you make it?” These two experiences left Wolf shocked and dismayed and had her thinking about Indigenous children and what they face in the education system. She shared: Why are you looking at me differently? I mean, of course, I know what she is doing at that point. I thought if I am feeling so racially victimized and I am really light-skinned, how are the children feeling? How are Indigenous children feeling in our system? What exactly is the learning experience of our children in the classroom, for our most vulnerable, who are little children? Wolf told me that she reflected for a long time on these experiences, and they pushed her to be the agent of change the Indigenous children needed. As she said, “It fired me up even more so! I needed to get going in making changes for Indigenous children in this systemically racist system.” She became more determined, as she said, “to be heard.” And as well, to ensure “that the stories of the children and youth experiencing racism in their classrooms and on the school grounds … be heard.” 211 Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Rematriating Our Leadership Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge So, it is how I choose to respond to this situation or that situation when I know in my heart that this is the right way, but I have not been given the opportunity to do it. —Wolf Wolf has found ways to refuse and resist being colonized and assimilated into the system. This has required her to navigate carefully and intentionally, in such a way that she is still able to survive in the system. She observes that “you can only change what you can from where you stand.” Wolf shared she must work within her sphere of influence within the organizational hierarchy. She must report upwards but support downwards, and this takes great care: “We do not have the systemic power in the system that we need sometimes to do the work.” There will be some battles won and some lost. But, as Wolf shared, it is most important how you respond to those situations where you might believe in something very important and “be willing to stand till the end of the line” but “then have the rug pulled out from under me … because it is not my final say.” The ability to refuse and resist, yet survive and stay in the system, is dependent on how one responds to situations outside of one’s control. She said, “This part makes me crazy, I can either get angry or totally disengage. So, I do not want to feel this way.” Wolf shared, “How I choose to respond” to such situations is critical, or “I can wait, learn from it, try again, and go down a different path until next time, when the time is right. I have done that too many times.” It is more important to survive another day to resist and refuse so others in the organization may hear a different perspective or a different story. 212 The importance of surviving another day to reclaim and resurge is critical to one’s leadership journey, most importantly for the young ones who are relying on our survival in the system to make change. Wolf shared a story of how Indigenous leaders “create more space in different ways” while operating in the machine that is education. This machine, as she described to me, is in constant motion and one way we reclaim and resurge is that we “take a cog out every now and again, jam it. That is what we are doing. We are jamming the machine” with our very presence in the education system. As Wolf further shared: We are jamming the machine and every time we do that, we stop things for a long enough period of time to create a different kind of space, a way of being, a window of space and time and opportunity to change. If you are lucky, you will stop it for long enough that the system creates a bypass to the machine … and you continue using the bypass while the system keeps going. So, we have a lot of bypasses—systems in your district and mine, right, but have we really affected system change? Not really. We have got cogs in the wheels. And soon, with so many bypasses and cogs in the wheel, the system and the big machine breaks down [and] then they will have to build another one. Hopefully, they will be looking at creative, innovative ways to incorporate all the bypasses. Wolf sees reclaiming and resurging in the system as jamming it up with our cogs, in hope of creating bypasses, enabling more space where we can make small changes. If we continue to jam the system with our multiple cogs, perhaps at some point the system will be forced to stop and transform into something new. 213 Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Loneliness and Navigating the Hierarchy In my journey as a professional in the school district, I report to a superior and they have the final say. So, regardless of my sovereignty or self-determination in the work that I do, I do not have the final say, someone else does. —Wolf Wolf’s surthrivance and self-determination journey is one of loneliness, with no mentors to guide her at her work and no formal team to support her in her work. She did have Elders, and most importantly, her family, whom she could rely on when things became difficult and she needed to speak to someone about complex challenges. Wolf shared that she was “sovereign to being Indigenous to [her]self,” but her self-determination was restricted by the educational system because someone other than herself was always the final decision maker. She shared with me the story of her surthrivance working as the sole Indigenous leader: Well, for me, this comes down to the multiple worlds that I walk in, and as a human, an Indigenous person, walking in all of the different ones that I do. I get lost sometimes. And it is about me surviving my identity, my worldview, and who I am as a human first, and keeping myself deeply rooted and connect[ed] to self. Walking in the system’s world of my job and being a member of the board and supporting the board, sometimes my values and perspectives feel like they are juxtaposed, or in conflict with working on behalf of the First Nations communities. We have six communities. Each time I step on different territories in different villages, the worldview is a little bit different. And depending on who I am connecting with and building relationship with and their perspectives and worldviews, we either connect if they are ready to connect with me or 214 we do not. And I think as the person working for [a] school district, at least in my context, it feels like I weave this huge spiderweb and I am a spider in the middle [laughs], constantly repairing the web, constantly, because I do not have little spiders working with me. There is just one spider down here and the web is massive. Any tension and the whole web moves, right, this means that I need to respond to that tension through a colonial context, Indigenous local protocol, and/or the worldview of whomever is shaking the web. I find that for me, this is the area where I need to be resilient. Wolf had to keep the web intact during her time in her school district. She said that she created “survival techniques so I could hold space long enough to navigate my way through it.” She had to create these as she did not have a guide on the inside or a mentor supporting her. Wolf never wished “to succumb or give in to the marginalization.” She realized her own survival was dependent on herself, so she used coping strategies that worked for her, like regulating her emotions for the “best response possible.” When faced with challenging and complex situations, she understood she could not go into every battle angry. As she said, “It will not get me anywhere and it hurts me. I do not want to hurt me anymore. I have had enough of that.” So, her strategy is to take a breath and reflect on what the experience is trying to teach her. When the web starts to become overwhelming or the dance of the work is too fast, she asks for help from colleagues with whom she feels connected and safe. While Wolf shared some survival techniques that worked well for her, ultimately, the surthrivance and self-determination in her work professionally and personally came down to her inner fire and how she maintained it. As she shared with me, “To be in this field and to continue with the work your fire has to be strong.” Wolf stressed that the inner fire “is not something that 215 you can control or that you can start, ignite, put out at will. It is a fire that is constantly burning from within you.” Emotions and passion are what keeps the flame lit; as “the passion rises and falls” so do the flames. As a leader, Wolf learned to regulate her emotions so that she would never let her inner fire become a raging inferno which could lead to self-immolation. She learned she needed to keep “the heat of that flame inviting and warm so that I do not scorch others with my fire, because in my younger days I did that, and I found a lot of doors closed for me.” She further shared, “I try to get in as many doors as possible, so that I can warm them to being open to a new way of thinking and being, and thereby better support student achievement and well-being.” The key to working with one’s inner fire is balancing how one reacts emotionally to situations. The outer way of being is connected to the inner way of being. As Wolf shared, it is important to not get too hot and let the flames consume yourself or others. There have been many times when she felt she lost her fire, but, she said, “Even when the flame is smouldering, or the flame is low, it is still there. It is a part of who you are.” A tiny ember is all that is needed to spark the flame again. Wolf’s ultimate survivance came down to an ember. Her work had consumed her inner fire and compromised her physical health. Navigating the web and the multiple pathways eventually made Wolf decide to retire. She could no longer sustain the energy needed. She said, “I retired. The reason is I am tired. My job was so big. But the fire and passion it took to walk in all of those worlds was too much.” She wanted to protect the ember and her inner fire. It became too much when more responsibility was added to her portfolio as she moved up the leadership ranks from district principal to director of instruction. As she shared, “There was a point when I [could] no longer be effective.” She mentioned the impact “of trying to navigate all of this. It 216 was too hard on my health.” In her last year of work, she decided she was finished compromising her wholistic well-being and her family was more important to her. Wolf shared: This experience has given me the gift of having me finally understand that it is time that I need to take better care of myself. And I need to be honouring my whole body— physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. So, when I am out of balance, then everything is out of balance, and I became so out of balance that my body just shut down and said you are out. She realized she was on the verge of losing her inner fire entirely, and she was not willing to sacrifice that in the future. Wolf put family first and retired from her position before the glowing ember was completely put out. Summary Analysis: Surviving, Surthriving, or Not The stories of Turtle and Wolf are ones of surthriving and mere survival while working in educational systems. Both of these matriarchs experienced racism and microggressions, as a teacher leader and administrator, respectively. Throughout their careers, they experienced racism at the hands of their peers and superiors. While these experiences had a negative impact on their wholistic well-being, they both relied heavily on their cultural teachings and their matriarchal strength to overcome these adverse experiences throughout their careers. Racism and microaggressions were experienced by both Turtle and Wolf at the individual and structural level while they were working within educational systems. Examples of the racism they encountered were colleagues questioning their level of credentials as educators, colleagues not believing they were educators, and colleagues questioning how they became a teacher. While 217 these experiences were negative, they pushed both women to become educational warriors and matriarchs for Indigenous children and families in the education system. The education system still has not changed with regards to addressing racism and microaggressions experienced by Indigenous leaders, students, and families at both the individual and structural level. While racism and microaggressions impacted both leaders, it was their cultural teachings and matriarchal ways that allowed them to surthrive and survive in the system as long as they did. Turtle and Wolf embraced many of the Indigenous values shared by researchers Hill and Hoss (2018), Minthorn and Shotton (2018), and Shotton and Minthorn (2020), including role modelling, courage, respect, trust, and reciprocity. Turtle has been able to exercise her body sovereignty and self-determination as an Indigenous woman leader as she confronts the multiple “interlocking and intersecting oppressions” (Coburn, 2019, p. 136). Wolf relied heavily on her spirituality, as it affirmed her “self-identity” and provided her with “a sense of focus” (Julian et al., 2010, p. 120). While both leaned into their cultural teachings and matriarchal ways, each experienced their leadership in different ways. Turtle learned to embody her sovereign tools as an Indigenous woman and leader, which helped her to surthrive in the system. However, Wolf, despite being a fierce educational warrior and matriarch, got worn down over time by constant fights and tensions she encountered as a leader. She decided to retire in order to retain her sovereign self. 218 Chapter 7: The Stories (Data) ~ Bear and Bigfoot The stories of surthrivance continue with Bear and Bigfoot, who share their lived experience of leading and being in service to the education system and Indigenous communities. Their stories, like the stories of their Indigenous sisters in Chapters 5 and 6, will shed light on the multiple tensions they navigate entering the liminal space of educational organizations, trying to surthrive with their matriarchy intact. Entering the spiral and the story of Bear. Bear ~ She Taught Me Courage I can feel the ears, I can feel the snout, I can feel the four paws and the strength and courage of Bear. Nobody would challenge a bear. I call in the power and spirit of the bear. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 Bear descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me bravery. Bear has had to be a bear in her work as an advocate, educator, and Indigenous woman leader and matriarch in the making. She has taught me to be a fierce auntie in education and a Clan Mother-in-training as a leader. She is the sole Indigenous leader within the level of leadership she works at. As the sole Indigenous leader, she understands the daily battle and arena she enters at work, never forgetting her purpose. As Bear shared, “My responsibility is to be a good role model and help ground other people.” As Indigenous aunties and matriarchs/Clan Mothers in education systems, we are responsible to our Nations and communities. Bear further states: “You 219 are here to help others. You are not here for you. This is why you put yourself out there.” This is her mindful reminder that she comes back to every day, always re-centring and ensuring children are at the heart of her purpose and work. Bear comes from a matrilineal system and she is a fierce matriarch in the making—role modelling to everyone around her how to take up space in a system when you are the sole Indigenous leader, “the only one” in a system. Her advice to me and other Indigenous women leaders about what worked for her was “working inside a system that is not mine but claiming space, and taking that space, and not being apologetic, but not being arrogant or rude either, but really finding allies to [work alongside]—and mainly white people allies.” Claiming space, even when your title or position affords you that space, is still a delicate and deliberate act of bravery. Even in her position as a senior leader, Bear had to fight to feel like she could own and occupy the space her title afforded her, because she had resistance from people who reported to her directly and who also were also Indigenous. Her approach to claiming and taking up space is as follows: I think I just want to walk a good walk and be a good person and do no harm, and I can be fierce in your face and be very passionate about the rights of our children, of each other. Bear relies on the teachings and wisdom of the matriarchs who have come before her in reminding her to do no harm. As she shared, “I go back to messages I heard from my mom about working in bigger institutions. About really not doing harm to others. If I do harm to others, it comes back to me, too.” These important teachings are mindful reminders of how we should be conducting ourselves in our work, and how we embody our leadership. 220 Indigenous women leaders need to claim and take up space as fierce matriarchs in the making, align with allies who wish to walk alongside us in our work, and always remember the purpose of our leadership is to serve the children and future generations to come. As Bear stated, “The system needs us to be there to be advocates. It needs us to be there to question and not follow blindly.” In our leadership, we must always remember who we are and where we come from. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty Bear embodies the Grandfather Teachings in her role as an educational leader and matriarch in the making. She has embodied and models all the teachings in her leadership as she continues advocating for Indigenous children and families. In the many roles she has performed since she was a young woman, she has been a fierce advocate, ensuring that those she is serving are taken care of. Bear embraced love, courage, humility, and respect in her approach to her work. She centred these teachings in how she approached and cared for those she worked for. Bear shared several stories of her early work as a childcare worker for the Ministry of Children and Family Development (MCFD). She spoke of the challenges of advocating for her families in public education. It was challenging. She said, “When I was younger, it was hard because when you are speaking about or advocating for families, in a leadership role—there are no clear lines sometimes in these organizations.” The lack of clear lines was both a hindrance and a help in relation to one story she shared with me regarding a young mother and her children. Bear had to advocate hard for this family to prevent the children from getting apprehended by MCFD. Bear spoke of the ignorance of the educational system and those who she worked 221 alongside. She shared that a social worker was called because the woman’s daughter was outside playing unsupervised with her younger brother. She described the events as “a comedy of errors and just [an] awful disaster.” The story proceeded as follows: [The] RCMP or police came by and picked up her kids. And it was the long weekend in May. “She was like, oh my god, what am I going to do?” And she was just beside herself. Anyway, I called the principal—called the Ministry of Social Services—and they said, “The child has to stay in care until Monday or Tuesday.” Anyway, I kind of stayed near her the whole weekend and just, you know, had to be there as a support. The situation only became worse when the mother and Bear had to meet with the social worker assigned to the file. The social worker was in her early 20s and non-Indigenous. Her approach to the meeting infuriated Bear. She shared the following regarding the interaction in the meeting: She proceeded, you know, to talk to mom, and tried to get like comfortable, or close— establish a relationship. Then I was getting more and more angry sitting there, and I was like, oh my god. Then she makes a comment like, I am adopted, and this is the social worker and a white woman. I could not take it anymore and I just stopped her, and I just said you need to stop. Bear took offence to the social worker’s approach in trying to befriend the mother, whom she did not have a relationship with. In fact, she had power over her and controlled the consequences of what would happen to her apprehended child. Bear further shared: 222 The mom was freaking out a little bit. But I just said no [to the social worker]. You just need to tell her what she needs to do to get her kid back and you are the barrier right now. Stop trying to, you know, say that you have the same life as her. You do not have the same life as her. The whole event infuriated Bear, who in the immediate aftermath, thought she would be fired, because the social worker called her school administrator. However, her administrator was fully supportive of her work. While the event left her extremely angry and fearing she would be fired, she said, “[the situation was] etched into my own soul of advocacy.” It taught her: “I think that in those kinds of situations you have to take a stand.” It is when you take a stand, and, as Bear shared, accept your responsibility as a future matriarch, you know your role is to walk forward with wisdom, truth, respect, and honesty: My responsibility is to be a role model and help ground other people, other Aboriginal youth. I am still connected to children I taught … when I was the Aboriginal support worker in the [Lower Mainland]. This connection to community, both families and youth, demonstrates the impact and importance of our work as Indigenous aunties and matriarchs in the making. Additionally, it shows Bear has been guided by the teachings of the matriarchs in her community. She stated, “I have been raised around taking responsibility for my own actions. And my actions impact future generations.” Bear was raised in her matrilineal ways, and as she said, “There is a calling to finish what the women in my family started, or the work of the women who still do struggle in their communities but carry on.” Matriarchs before her instilled the values of wisdom, truth, respect, and honesty in how they carried themselves inside and outside of their community. 223 Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings Bear is a fierce educational warrior, child advocate, and matriarch in the making. She carries a traditional name and matrilineal teachings that help her embody her leadership. She is the sole Indigenous leader in her position across all of Canada. She spoke very frankly of the fact that she is “the only one’ by saying, “How fucked up is that? But there is nobody across Canada that I can do this job with. Not one of them are Aboriginal.” Being the sole Indigenous leader in a system is not okay, because there are no other Indigenous leaders in a position identical to hers across Canada. It is very different if you are leading in school districts, where there are colleagues of Indigenous ancestry in other districts that you can reach out to if you need support. Bear is navigating her matriarchy, embodying her spiritual practices within her leadership while trying to remain grounded in those teachings. As a matriarch in the making, and Bear shared that she comes from a matrilineal lineage and they are expected to participate “in the preparation of food and clothing, and teaching of the young people, but also in the decision-making and governance” (Nisga’a Lisims Governement, n.d., para.1). She carries the teachings she has been gifted by the matriarchs before her, and they are embodied within her leadership practice. She said, “We have a house system where the women are the backbone—and for me that—those traditional ways of being in community, help me to make sense of the world I live in and am working [in] now.” The house system has helped her make sense of her life, her leadership, and the work she has been doing for the last five years. It has provided her with the matriarchal strength to survive in the system she currently works, where she is “the only one.” Additionally, the skills of traditional work and the teachings that came with them instilled in her a fierce determination. 224 She said, “I think the participation in, you know, [in] some of our tribal work, our housework, like our leadership for women … helped me … the core of me is there.” Working alongside matriarchs growing up provided her with role modelling and mentorship to help foster the foundation of her leadership, grounding her as a matriarch. As Bear shared, “At an early age [it] was instilled in me … to fish, to prepare food.” She added, “I think I learned lots of that from my mother as well, from her working in our Nation.” Her traditional teachings, being in community and working alongside other matriarchs growing up, prepared Bear to step into her own matriarchy. She understands the role of a matriarch, one who must protect and advocate for children and community. Bear learned from an early age that Indigenous women are indeed the backbones of their communities. Alongside her strong cultural teachings, Bear is guided by spiritual practices that have helped her remain grounded within her matriarchy and guide her leadership work. Bear spoke of the benefit of being connected to these practices. “Traditional works helps, too, like smudging, the prayer, the song, the drum—those all make me happy. Those all give me connection. Going back to my territory … is so important.” The importance of being connected to herself and her traditional territory is also important to her leadership work. The daily smudging and praying provides her with a sense of purpose and brings joy. Additionally, she spoke of the importance of going to the water: “Whenever I can get on the water … that keeps me strong. I might get out on the water here. It does not feel the same. But it is still water, and that keeps me strong.” Bear did share one spiritual event that changed her immensely and prepared her for the tough work of being “the only one” at a time when she “was quite fragile.” She was wrestling with the tension of being new to a position and struggling with those who reported directly to her. Bear shared: 225 I think the most profound experience I had was when [I] went out to the Sun Dance. I remember when I felt my spirit get connected with my head and my heart. That is where my spirit connected back to me. She is always with me. The Sun Dance is a spiritual ceremony held on the Plains during the summer months. It is not a ceremony that is of Bear’s people, but she was invited to come and be witness to the ceremony and participate in helping support the Sun Dance community. It was 10 days of being on the land and within community. As Bear shared, “It was the best time … I have not had anything like that.” The Sun Dance reconnected Bear’s head to her heart at a time when she needed that in her leadership practice. She reminisced about how that experience provided her with the clarity and security to persevere. She said, “Whenever I get scared, or get unsettled, or feel weird about stuff, or uncertain, or alone, I go back to that.” It reaffirmed her strength as Bear felt, “Okay, you can do this.” The experience reaffirmed that “the Creator makes no mistakes. [The] universe makes no mistakes.” She found security in feeling she was not alone: “I do not need to get down in the dirt to fight like that—I am not going anywhere.” As a learning experience, attending a ceremony that was of not her own people’s tradition provided her with a space to embrace peace at a time when she was not in a good place. As Bear shared, “I just felt peace, you know, just peace with what I am doing—my purpose, and I am here in this role.” Engaging in ceremonial practices and attending ceremonial events were essential to her to “just be,” as they provided her with stability and a foundation for her personal and professional leadership growth. Bear shared, “It was probably the most amazing and gruelling personal professional time for me—that spiritual piece, that balance is so critical.” It is necessary to 226 personal and professional work to engage in “trying to balance that. These [practices] ground me.” Finding and maintaining a ground that offers security when entering a landscape of leading in an organization where the terrain is new and often devoid of any familiar markers can be both frightening and alienating. Bear shared that she struggled to “just be,” but it was her spirituality, cultural teachings, and practices that gave her the strength to persevere. It is the teachings and spiritual practices that remind her that she is never alone. It is what brings comfort when we are navigating a colonial system and colliding with the tensions of being “the only one.” Emotional ~ Believe ~ Navigating the Hierarchy To be and believe as the matriarch in the making and fierce Indigenous advocate she is, within her community and the organization she works for, has been challenging at times for Bear. To show her emotions and be vulnerable in leadership spaces where traditionally this is not accepted created tensions within herself. Revealing too much of her emotions, either to speak up or fit in, was problematic. Bear shared: I often speak out about things. Anyway, they just said to me you are going to lose your credibility, or you are going to lose your power. I am like, fuck, what power? I am not going to keep colluding like this. I cannot. As a leader, to hear early on in her career that she would lose her credibility or power if she spoke out angered Bear. Using her voice to advocate for others has always been her strength. She was not comfortable, as she expressed, colluding with those who were in power or were leader 227 figures. Yet, currently she is in a leadership position where she does have hierarchal power, and she must use her voice to do the good work she does. Bear draws on her emotions to fuel her voice. As she shared: “You have to be able to go to the core, and go to the emotional, and go to the anger and that happiness—you have to go through that and show your underbelly when you are feeling vulnerable.” The tension of navigating the vulnerability within leadership is tough in spaces where emotions are not acceptable to the organization or other leaders. The inner turmoil of navigating this tension had a negative impact, as Bear said: “I notice if I fight it [my emotion] and I am trying too hard to fit in [while] I am in this competitive place, because I tend to not think well of myself.” The struggle to be true to herself and her emotions in her leadership has her also struggling to navigate the system she is a part of and is within. She is not forgiving of herself, as she recognizes: How I do not give myself the same love and attention I might give my sisters and colleagues when I am talking, listening, supporting, and saying you can do this, and we need you here. It is important work you are doing, and things of that nature. So, I forget to give that kind of generosity to myself and just be forgiving of myself. She forgets to give herself the same grace she gives to her sister colleagues on a daily basis—she is constantly trying to protect her inner spirit while trying not to collude with “the system.” Her belief in herself and in her matriarch ways— “[I] really just embrace me—who I am and where I come from” allows her to exist and persist in a space where she feels conflicted about participating. 228 Physical ~ Behave ~ Racism, Microagressions and Loneliness To be, believe and behave as a matriarch in the making, as “the only one,” can and does take a toll on one’s physical well-being. Matriarchs are the backbones of their communities, and Bear brought these teachings with her into her work from a young age onwards. The tension and challenges of navigating leadership within an organization rooted in Western ways of knowing required Bear to navigate many worlds in addition to her own at the same time. Bear shared with me how she had to fight doubt in her leadership skills within the educational organizations where she worked. She expressed that at a young age she did not know or have the language to articulate how the system was causing her harm. As she shared, “When I was younger, I did not even know [I was experiencing this], or that this was impacting me. I internalized racism and I internalized oppression.” Not understanding intellectually, but physically knowing the experience, Bear explained that “[it] really can be unconscious to us.” Over time, she came to understand how she was internalizing racism and oppression, and she was able to name it. Her awareness around this did not stop her from continuing to experience racism and microaggressions within the organization where she worked, but it did prepare her for how she was going to respond as a matriarch. The pain associated with feeling lonely can and does have a negative impact on one’s physical well-being, as is evident in Bear’s sharing of her experience in her current workplace: When I first got the job, I remember just crying, just an immense, immense, deep, deep, deep pain that kept coming up around some of the people in my division that I was working with. They did not want a brown woman, let alone an Aboriginal woman. 229 Her feeling of not being welcomed within an organization manifested itself in a deep wound. Bear experienced both lateral violence and microaggressions at the hands of an Indigenous woman colleague, as she shared: When we were in meetings, or I would have to chair something, this other Aboriginal colleague of mine, like it was not uncommon to have eye rolls, laughing, gossiping. Like sitting around talking to each other while somebody was speaking—either me, or this other brown woman. Bear said she had only one other safe person to turn to in the organization she worked in. She mentions her safe person in the quote above. This woman also experienced both lateral violence and microaggressions at the hands of another Indigenous woman. This experience shook Bear, who is a fierce Indigenous matriarch in the making, as she internalized the racism from the beginning. Internalizing the racism and microaggressions manifested itself in physical and intellectual harm to herself: That spring, I got sick and [the] doctors could not figure out what was going on. It was just bizarre what happened to me. My face got swollen, I looked like Hilary Swank [in that] boxing movie. I looked like that, it was so weird. We better go to the hospital. Well, anyway, I went. But they did not know what happened. No one knew what was going on. I had to take 10 days off work. And then I thought I was quite fragile. As a result of the negative energy and treatment she experienced, her body pushed back and broke down. At the same time, Bear began isolating herself: “I cut off all my friends … I did not want to talk to them anymore.” Bear described the situation she was experiencing: 230 [It] was so hard. I had to see a PTSD [Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder] therapist and really work through a lot of crap. I mean my stuff, but also just because of how I was responding to the comments, or things that were happening. This experience was traumatic for Bear. It left her doubting her leadership abilities, harming her both physically and intellectually. Despite the suffering, the experience brought both clarity and reflection “to think through what is going on for [me] and my organization.” Bear wrestled with the tension “of trying to please systems that are not ours, as we [can] get caught up in the want[ing] to collude with what is going on.” She expressed that she was constantly battling and resisting the notion of colluding with the system, but, she said, “In some ways you need to be [able] to do that as well.” She further shared, “I think it is just knowing and picking your battles, otherwise you could just … feel crappy, so I think you’ve got to really pick and choose.” Knowing when to go into battle and when to walk away, was and is essential to her leadership survivance. Navigating a landscape of unfamiliar terrain has taught her the following: For me, I have learned that being inside these systems, that [there] is a jury, and there are times when I have had to really unpack and own what is mine and be really truthful with myself. Otherwise, I feel terrible. This notion of a “jury,” which Bear did not fully unpack in our conversation, is interesting. As she shared, the jury pushed her to reflect on her own actions and be truthful with herself. Examining her own actions and motives, and understanding when she had to take a stand and do battle or back down, could lead to further emotional distress. Bear is a surthrivor and matriarch in the making. Although she was leading in a system among colleagues who were dismissive of her, they could not change how she embodied her leadership. She leaned into the 231 teachings of her ancestors and her mother, who passed on to her many gifts to get her through the troubling times. Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Rematriating Our Leadership To be, believe, behave and be an agent of change as a matriarch in the making, Bear must continually be self-reflexive in her leadership practice. As she shared, there is danger in colluding too much with the system. The system is satisfied with the status quo, and the lure to assimilate within it can be very tempting for Indigenous leaders, whether it is done for material benefit or for personal safety. Bear’s observation after working within the educational system for her entire career is that “you have to be able to ground yourself in who you are.” To ensure that you are an agent of change for your community and the children you serve in your leadership, you must be aware of not forgetting who you are really working for. The system has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo: They want someone who they do not have to do a lot of work with because the person going in is going to do whatever they asked them to do. We are just recapitulating them. The institutions are unconscious of this. They just want someone who gets them. If you are not constantly self-checking yourself, said Bear, “you reduce yourself to being a puppet;” a puppet of the organization and not the change-maker that is needed. This is the danger of not fully knowing yourself, your cultural identity and traditions. As Bear shared: “You get people who are really unconscious that are going into these jobs, going into institutions like post-secondary, who are doing this work, who have not done the work to understand themselves.” 232 Bear’s advice to Indigenous leaders entering a leadership position is to never become comfortable or complacent in the system. She said: I want more people to be conscious of when you are taking these jobs, when you take these roles, you need to have some higher-level thinking [about] what it is you are doing. [It] cannot be just a paycheck. It cannot just be, oh, I have arrived. Indigenous leaders know who their people are and where they come from. The system will exploit you, tokenize you, and consume your gifts for their benefit. It is a leader’s responsibility to ensure they are giving back to their people. Bear shared, “When I think about it, Aboriginal people, when they are trying to be a part of something—you must give up something to be there.” What is given up surviving in the system is different for each leader. What is one not willing to give up while being in the system? Indigenous leaders must be very aware that “the higher up and the deeper we go—the more we give up—the more [we] have to really fight, as we are alone.” Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Sole Leader in a System Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge It is almost like you are a salmon swimming back to your home, and you are always against the tide. —Bear Bear’s fierceness has allowed her to surthrive in systems where she has always been “the only one.” The journey of survival has not been an easy one and it has been fraught with many tensions along the way. Bear has always walked forward refusing and resisting the temptation to 233 assimilate. She always walked alone, because she was always a first in the work she did. She had to fight the negative perception she had of herself early on in her most recent position: I remember when my [supervisor] was really upset with me about something and I remember just feeling like I fucked up and was devastated over it. I felt is she going to fire me? Am I going to be fired? I always live with that. But I always think I am going to get fired. Oh no, they are going to find out I am a fraud. Like I should not be here. They made a mistake. The feeling of not living up to the ideals of the system, when one is “the only one,” can have a negative impact on one’s self-esteem, causing a person to judge their own worthiness and capabilities. The self-judgment has kept Bear accountable to her own emotions and thoughts about being in a system she has struggled to survive in without being consumed by the perceived need to assimilate. She is constantly reclaiming, refusing, resisting and resurging in her daily work, which is essential for her surthrivance. Bear shared, “I think there is a way to do this [work] without being a pawn for the institutions.” She has learned her surthrivance techniques from her many years of experience in navigating the system. She shared with me, “Over the years, I have learned to really pick my battles because it is exhausting, and you could burn out.” Our very existence in decolonizing systems requires continual resistance and persistence. Indigenous leaders working in decolonizing systems must really be attuned to the mindset of “I am working for an organization” and understand how it functions. As Bear said, “I find that this is really a challenge because not everyone understands that. Not everyone understands that you can do this 234 work without doing harm to one another.” She cautions that we need to support one another as Indigenous leaders, as she has been witness to the following within her organization: I find that they are not about process. They are thinking about it from a place of legislation. I think that their leadership could do with some change. I know that when they have had people sit at tables where I have been, who contradict what they are saying, or what they want to have happen—those people get ostracized or treated badly. The failure to submit to the status quo can and does have dire consequences for those who are “the only one” in a system. If they do not follow the dominant thinking and instead challenge the organization’s beliefs, they become seen as an outlier and can be subjected to poor treatment. Bear has witnessed this behaviour by her organization, and said, “There is a way of doing this work without putting each other down.” She shared that she was always mindful of “not really wanting to behave that way or have that mindset.” Her advice to other Indigenous leaders is to ask the question, “Is there a way to do this work where you can be really loving, caring, and fierce?” However, as Indigenous leaders working as “the only one” in an organization, we must always remind ourselves of “not getting caught in that web or caught in the bucket of crabs.” Bear acknowledged, “I try really hard not to think bad thoughts about people, especially Aboriginal women, because it is so easy to hurt one another. I try to find and see the love in all who I connect with.” We must remember that even if we are “the only one” in our respective organizations, we are still family, and we are related in the larger circle of life. Bear shared that when she needs a reminder, she “go[es] back to the messages [she got] from [her] mother about working for bigger institutions, about really doing no harm to others. If [she] does harm to others, it comes back to [her] too.” 235 To surthrive in the workspace she occupies now, Bear is reclaiming, refusing, resisting and resurging daily. Just like many Indigenous leaders who are often “the only one” in their respective workspaces, she does not have the luxury of “just being” in the same space afforded non-BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Colour) leaders. As Bear shared, “How do I negotiate the space where I am, because it is a system that is not diverse.” The struggle to retain one’s Indigeneity while re/claiming space in places where we have never been seen or heard before can be a challenge. It can be very uncomfortable, especially for Indigenous women in leadership positions, because we are at the bottom of the hierarchy structure. Bear embraces being an outlier. She said, “I do not want to be a part of your club. I do not need to be like you. I do not need to give up any more of me to do this work.” While she resists, she is continually battling internally: “I feel really blessed, but at the same time, I go to the other side of the sword, have I fully assimilated into the system or structure?” While she feels conflicted about ensuring she does no harm in her work and fights daily not to be submerged into the system, she shared, “I have learned so much about how to be with myself in this environment.” What I feel she ultimately means with this statement is that she knows how to “just be,” “believe,” “behave” and “be an agent of change” with her Indigeneity intact. Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Rematriating Our Leadership Where do I keep my fire burning? —Bear “What is it that sustains me in this and what keeps my fire going?” This question is a constant one that Bear considers in her surthrivance. As “the only one” in a large organization, she has learned what it takes for her own survival and self-determination as an Indigenous 236 woman. Bear shared her survival technique, expressing that it is necessary to “hold space for you and I think that is a big part of walking this survivance.” This has sustained Bear in her current work as “the only one” in her position. Taking up space and holding it for yourself within educational systems so one can be seen and heard is essential. It is also important to have guides or mentors on the side. Bear shared, “I had an amazing [supervisor] who really had my back throughout all of this.” Stories of ancestors and families helped Bear retain her inner fire and keep it going. Stories in Indigenous cultures hold our histories, teach, and guide us as Indigenous Peoples. As Bear shared, “I think it is so important to listen to each other’s stories and to be present for each other; I think that helps me in this work to stay steady on my feet.” Stories can and are powerful pathways, bringing reassurance: “It is the stories that people tell so that you do not feel isolated and alone.” The stories of the present sustain and provide Bear’s fire with fuel to keep burning, while the stories of the past and those of her ancestors provide her with grounding and the determination to remain in her position despite the challenges. As Bear shared, “When things get really awful, hard, or challenging, I just sort of go back to ‘what am I supposed to learn here?’” The stories of our lived experience and the stories of our families and ancestors teach us how to move forward in life: I can hear the aunties and Elders or grandparents in our tribal feasts, remembering some stories as a kid or when I was in the smokehouse. I can at least find or reflect on some amazing stories of strength, and I think that is what I have gleaned from my family. It is the stories of our own people that provide us with the strength to surthrive and continue to walk our own path of self-determination in our leadership. It is the voices of our 237 families and Elders who whisper in our ear, “It is time to gather your strength and to lick your wounds; pick yourself back up and go back out there.” As an Indigenous woman leader, Bear feels accountable and responsible to continue to do the work of the matriarchs before her. Bear’s fire continues to burn within herself and the smokehouse back home in her traditional territory. Entering the spiral and the story of Bigfoot. Bigfoot ~ She Taught Me Honesty To walk with Bigfoot you walk in your truth. Bigfoot is those who walk with honesty. You always walk in your honesty. Some people respect that, and some do not want to hear. —Davita Marsden, personal communication, March 9, 2022 Indigenous leaders just say it. —Bigfoot Bigfoot descends into the spiral and the Seven Grandfather Teachings with teaching me honesty. Bigfoot has always been one to speak her mind and let others know her values. She spoke with truth and honesty about the exhaustion of the system and maintaining good relations in Indigenous Education as a leader: “[The] inability to maintain this type of work, I think, is the biggest impact, the fatigue can wear you down. It is a thankless job in some ways.” Bigfoot speaks to the truth of the work we do as leaders, and the warrior fatigue that it brings as we try to navigate our own leadership within a colonial system. The last few years of Bigfoot’s leadership have been challenging. She shared, “You often question if this is even the right work because you are up against … colonialism, sexism, and, most often, ignorance.” She means the willful ignorance of most leaders, who participate in 238 maintaining a system that is both bureaucratic and colonialist. “Are we truly aspiring to that? Are we truly setting out to achieve what we say we are?” As individual leaders and being a part of a larger collective in the system, Bigfoot said, “The thing that causes the fatigue is that in some, but not all places, some aspects of this work seem disingenuous.” The willful ignorance to pay only lip service to Indigenous Education by self-proclaimed allies is what is disingenuous. The lack of support to be set up for success does not allow one “to be given the opportunity to do it in a really meaningful way.” Bigfoot expressed dismay about ignorance, because “you have to repeat yourself in a very surface level way, because not everyone is ready to do the real work or wants to do the real work.” Yet, as Indigenous leaders leading in education or Indigenous Education, we lead with our entire being, not just a piece of us. The willful ignorance Bigfoot experienced did not prepare her for, as she said, “the unwritten rules of how you navigate this system.” Not being prepared or guided in the system for herself and other Indigenous leaders, she has observed that “Indigenous leaders and non-Indigenous leaders butt heads.” Bigfoot further shared, “We have a roundabout way of getting at something and we try to do it nicely and we try to do it within the hierarchical ways.” However, it requires us to “have to navigate that system to say what we want or get what we need to do our job.” The navigation makes us tired and “ends up wasting a tremendous amount of time.” This led to Bigfoot’s feeling fatigued by having to navigate a system and those who uphold its willful ignorance. Never one to be silent, Bigfoot walks in her honesty, and said, “I hate the beating around the bush way of navigating decision-making.” Her response to the willful ignorance is to speak back to it directly. As she commented, “What is the point of wasting all that time through niceties when you can just say it?” Her direct, honest, and truth-telling style of leadership has had people call her “blunt” and “abrupt.” Bigfoot speaks her truth and honesty, “not because [she 239 is] rude. It is just because that is a direct answer.” She is “not one to put up false promises and sort of do the back-patting and the massaging that tends to happen through conversation, when [she] can give you a straight-up answer right now.” Her voice in the system fuels her fire to continue her work for the children and communities she represents. Nourishing the Fire ~ Matriarch in the Making Love ~ Courage ~ Wisdom ~ Truth ~ Humility ~ Respect ~ Honesty Bigfoot embodies the Seven Grandfather Teachings in her roles as a matriarch in the making and an educational warrior. Bigfoot manifests Indigenous gratitude for the love of her professional work, which inspires her to do good for both the Indigenous and educational communities she serves. She has navigated the system successfully despite the many “challenges and battle wounds” she has suffered along the way. Bigfoot shared that being in the virtual circle during the research process “is therapy because I am glad—not glad to hear that it has happened to other people but for a long time I thought it was just me.” It brought her inner peace to know that she was not alone as a leader in the ways she was experiencing the colonial education system. The words shared in circle by her Indigenous sisters validated her reality and provided an emotional release when her professional work was slowly dimming her inner fire. A strong leader is one who can also be soft and vulnerable. It takes embodying all the teachings to admit your struggles to fellow colleagues, let alone colleagues you do not work directly with. Bigfoot, one who always speaks her truth and is honest in circle, shared the following: I have been having a rough time navigating some of the pieces that all of you, I am sure, have come across in the colonized system. I thank Chas, even though she is thanking us, I 240 am thanking her because I think this will be an opportunity for some therapy with like-minded individuals. I am excited after meeting most of you that we are very similar and so thankful for this opportunity, Chas. To be in a circle with other Indigenous women, even a virtual circle, is both medicine and healing for Bigfoot. As Indigenous women leaders, there are not very many opportunities for us to gather as a collective as we are spread across 60 school districts and educational organizations in British Columbia. Bigfoot continues to do the work as an Indigenous woman leader in a decolonizing education system because she is a matriarch in the making and knows her purpose—which is to surthrive for future generations. As she shared, “What keeps me going it’s the children and family, but more so, I keep thinking about Wab [Kinew] and the reason you walk, and I always think about it and ask myself that question.” It is her children and family that motivate her to keep walking tall like Wab Kinew (author of The Reason You Walk), and being a truth-teller in the system to disrupt and bring change for future generations. Additionally, she continues to walk forward to create space for those who will come behind her, so they can have an easier path to follow: You know it is the only way that I will continue to do this work is that there is integrity in the reason that I am doing this work. It is not for title. It is not for monetary pieces. It’s for the people, for my children, because one day, hopefully, some of the work that I am doing will create space for my children. Hopefully for my children and not my grandchildren … create space and create opportunities and life experiences that they do not have to fucking survive from, like that should not be what we constantly must do. 241 Bigfoot’s reason for walking is for the children—all children, Indigenous and non-Indigenous—and to create an educational system that is equitable for all, especially one where Indigenous children do not have to survive like our grandparents, aunts, and uncles who had to survive the residential school system and the modern education system we currently have. Spiritual ~ Just Be ~ Cultural Teachings Bigfoot is an educational warrior and matriarch in the making, leading as “the only one” in her district like the other women who have shared their lived experience and stories. She has experienced warrior fatigue. She said, “It is one position where you are hired for your history,” which has impacted her spiritual being and her ability to “just be.” She further explained, “Who you are is constantly on parade and nobody gives consideration that you are hired for your culture. Who you are culturally.” Leading as an Indigenous woman in a decolonizing education system “does challenge some aspect of me wholistically—mentally and physically. When you are mentally unwell, your physical self—it impacts everything.” In the system there is an “absence of spirituality within [our] work.” The lack of connection to spirit and heart in the work can and does produce emotional triggers. The system does not recognize or see “all the pieces of you, your wholism. So, it is a system that challenges different aspects of it at different times.” Bigfoot acknowledged, “Although I am challenged, it is because of the wholistic nature of Indigenous leader[ship] that [I] can persevere.” Bigfoot credits her perseverance in the system to ensuring she remains connected to her culture and spiritual practices. She maintains daily connection “through cultural practices—getting back on the land, re-establishing myself within my community, and through ongoing practice of the seasonal rounds.” Indigenous leadership demands reflexivity and reflective 242 practice as “it is wholistic in nature and it is constant—keeping a constant barometer of yourself—it is so important in order to continue to do this work.” When you are “really connected to that wholistic understanding and model that way of being, then you understand very specifically where your challenges are, [so] you can attend to them.” This means keeping the balance and the wheel in motion, so you do not get stuck in one wholistic domain. This requires Indigenous leaders to be aware and reflexive of their practice. One’s self-awareness is crucial, but so is being open to respecting and hearing the words of Elders and guides who help you along the way. Bigfoot noted that keeping her spirit strong “ensure[s] that I am always on the right path, I look to people to spiritually guide me and to talk to me and I listen.” It is important to be an active and engaged listener “because you get sort of signs and people telling you things [that] indicate that you are not working or living in a good way at the current time.” Bigfoot shared with me one story about spirituality that she had from one of her Elders, Harold Isaac, which went as follows: I asked my Elder once, why it is so hard for us to talk about spirituality within public education, but it is not a religion. How would you describe spirituality? And he said, connection to self, connection to others, and connection to the land. All these three are our spirituality, and that has been my ongoing definition but [I] attribute [it] to those who gave that knowledge to me. Knowing oneself and one’s connection to humans and non-humans is important for Indigenous leaders’ spiritual development and for ensuring that we remain connected and grounded in our work. Bigfoot acknowledged that she draws strength from the teachings and guidance of Elder Isaac. Additionally, she shared, “I am at my weakest when some of those 243 connections are not there.” So, upon taking the advice of Elders and guides, we enact their wisdom into practice as Indigenous leaders, so our spirits may remain intact while working in a decolonizing education system. Connection to the physical and non-physical world and the spiritual energy that exists in between is integral for keeping the balance. Bigfoot maintains her spirituality by “remaining connected to [her]self. Once I become disconnected, I know that, and then I tend to it.” The opportunity to get out on the land in her traditional territory and engage in the seasonal round of berry picking keeps that connection secure. On the land she can connect with her family, especially her Auntie Louise. Bigfoot said, “I [love] hearing her voice and the language and everything I grew up with. She has been the sustaining force and why I have been able to survive every obstacle that has been placed in my path.” As Bigfoot shared, “The connection to land is incredibly important for me … that allows me to feel close to who I am as an individual when I am practising those things.” While getting out on the land and berry picking is exhausting, it is a time of reflection for Bigfoot. She shared, “I am so quiet when I berry pick because as I sit there [I] work out some things and I naturally get relief from all of this.” Bigfoot shared her most recent experience of being on the land with her family and relatives saying it is “where I fill my cup every year.” She added these details: I can tell if I do not go and spend time in the smokehouse, if I do not go spend time picking berries and participating in all these seasonal round activities that are so important to me to recharge my batteries, I am not as effective the following year. I do not know what it is about sitting there on the ground picking huckleberries and eating 244 them and having the sun on you. Smelling the smells that our ancestors [would] have smelled for thousands and thousands of years. It is a humbling experience. Land is a space for her to find her spiritual medicine when she is in need. It is doing the little things “like cleaning the berries … [the] connection to the land helps me to continue to do this work and stay spiritually well.” Bigfoot knows she can access that medicine when she is in need. So, she is always mindful to listen to and enact the wisdom of her Elders’ words so that, as she shared, “I [can] always attend to and ensure that I am my most healthy self.” Emotional ~ Believe ~ Sole Leader in a System To be and believe in one’s matriarchy in the making and warrior spirit fuels Bigfoot’s emotions and her motivation to continue to surthrive in the system. The ignorance of the system and the inequity of the work both angers and frustrates Bigfoot. She said: I identify with the anger piece. I am angry a lot of the time, and I do not want to be an angry Indian. Like, I try not to be, but there is so much in my day in my work where I just shake my head, and I am dumbfounded half the time. She is frustrated by the lack of representation of Indigenous leaders in administrative positions across BC and the fact that we often only occupy administrative positions where we are hired for our culture. The anger fuels her motivation to bring about change. She feels there is inequity in the leadership ranks of senior management in school districts across British Columbia. Bigfoot said, “There are so few of us doing this work and that challenges me and propels me for two reasons.” The first challenge is “if you think about it, the people we call our colleagues, we can name most 245 of them, and that is a crazy fact in this province.” To be one of the 70 in this province to “carry this work is so heavy, but it also lights a fire under me. I feel one of my fires is that I want to change that somehow.” Bigfoot confessed she wanted to make change but added, “I do not know how yet. That number is complete bullshit because how do you task that?” How do we as 70 leaders in a system shift it from within and create equity for diversity of leadership that is necessary for transformative change to take place? So, Bigfoot “draws from [her] frustrations and [her] anger” to keep going. While anger and frustration are negative emotions, they also fuel her; she draws on the energy created from those emotions. She has found that the energy is also a form of spiritual guidance and it “seems to go through [her] head, through [her] body and out [her] mouth when [she] is speaking about the work,” letting her know that she is “on the right path and [she] knows she is doing good work.” The energy also provides her with access to the correct words and knowledge “from that space, and it must be my ancestors supporting me on my journey.” Bigfoot is not concerned that she cannot contain or control the energy. She shared the following: There are things that I said that I have no idea where I learned it. I do not know where I heard it from, but I know it was the right thing to say at that time. I just allow myself to be a vessel for that energy and that message. I get that feeling and it touches something in my soul and resonates with it. She lets the spiritual energy guide her, as she feels that it is a connection to her ancestors, who are providing her guidance in her work and on her leadership pathway. 246 Physical ~ Behave ~ Navigating the Hierarchy To be, believe and behave as an educational warrior and matriarch in the making, Bigfoot is learning the delicate dance of being a matriarch and leading in a decolonizing educational system. Leading in such a system, and having to navigate multiple leadership styles “as an Indigenous woman who is from a matriarchal society, it challenges me quite a bit.” The challenge is how to speak up to internal racial hierarchization in an educational organization. weitko acknowledged she has witnessed “a level of hierarchy, sort of like, most to least marginalized people—I would say Indigenous women leaders are the most marginalized in the entire system.” Her observation is affirmed by the work of Patti Doyle-Bedwell (2008), who writes about hierarchies and racialized peoples in her article “With the Appropriate Qualifications.” Leading in a decolonizing system with your matriarchy intact brings misconceptions and challenges, which for Bigfoot are numerous. The first thing Bigfoot shared is, “I think there is a perception of … and a misconception of Indigenous women” leaders. She added, “I feel like the stronger you are, the more connected to who you are within your identity, and how you feel about your leadership, especially from a cultural context … [this] tends to challenge the system. Then you are thought of as challenging.” Bigfoot noticed, “If you are too loud, too early, then you will never make it through the hierarchy.” She herself is not one to be quiet, and shared, “I do not know how that worked out for me, but I was still able to” move up the hierarchy into a senior leadership position. Yet, despite ascending to this senior position, she said, “I am aware of that place I am now in.” Bigfoot now understands that the challenge of knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent is a tension that she must navigate daily. 247 The hardest thing for Bigfoot to navigate is the duality of existence, which has greatly impacted her wholistic well-being. Bigfoot is talking about having to “navigate a system that is patriarchal in nature, when you come from a leadership system that is built on a matriarchy. This is the most difficult thing. It goes back to the idea of ignorance;” the system’s ignorance of not understanding cultural nuances of leadership. “How much better off would we be, if people understood those systems, and where the female leadership is coming from?” Bigfoot shared, “As an Indigenous woman leader who is in a matriarchal system, we have a place in society; [this] is in direct conflict with the patriarchal system that we work in.” In my Nation “our voices are respected and heard within our communities and people inherently understand that status.” Leading like a matriarch “seems to confront them in a way maybe they are not ready for.” The tension of being a matriarch within a patriarchy is that as a matriarch you have been gifted a voice that is given space and is respected. Bigfoot has received this gift from her community and ancestors and thinks, “You are in a system where you can speak your mind freely,” yet are judged for being either too loud or too aggressive. However, Bigfoot further explained, “This system is in direct opposition to that at times, and so, what happens is that our women become wallflowers. They rarely speak up. Or the ones that do speak up are labelled unfairly.” So, the collision of worldviews is a challenge to navigate, especially when growing up knowing your voice matters, will be heard, as “there is a place for you in your society.” It can be hard even for the most experienced matriarch, “as you work in a system where the opposite is expected. You are not even sure what is expected of you, [but] you know it when you are not doing it right.” The not knowing what to expect that Bigfoot is referring to is not only knowing when to speak and how to speak, but it is also about taking up space with our physical bodies. 248 Navigating the physical spaces with our voices intact is another challenge. Leading as an Indigenous woman in a district position has been tough for Bigfoot. The challenges lie in the fact that while she is in an administrative position with a very important portfolio, the position does not lie at the senior management level, so she is operating in the middle of the hierarchy. Navigating within the middle of the hierarchy as an Indigenous woman administrator can be a challenge, especially as a district administrator. Bigfoot shared her frustration: “Sometimes you are invited to the table and sometimes you are not. They can pick and choose when you are part of the senior leadership team or when you are not.” The “they” Bigfoot refers to is the senior leadership team in many districts. “They take up the space and they establish the hierarchy.” Additionally, she shared that “they definitely make sure they take up the space and then, you know, throw charitable pieces of time where you can hold space.” The uncertainty of when they are allowed to take up space, whether verbally or physically, can be a perilous navigation for a matriarch and Indigenous woman leader. Intellectual ~ Be Agents of Change ~ Navigatng the System and Sole Leader in a System To be, believe, behave and be an agent of change as a matriarch in the making and an educational warrior, Bigfoot continues to challenge and be challenged by the system she works in. As shared earlier, Bigfoot is not one to be quiet and is “outspoken” when she needs to be. Bigfoot understands “there is a sense of urgency” in the work she does as an Indigenous woman who is a senior leader in her district. However, she has observed a dissonance between her own sense of urgency and agency to do good work in Indigenous Education, and the attitude of the rest of the senior management team. This does not sit particularly well with her as a leader and as an agent of change. 249 The dissonance between herself and the rest of the senior management team became readily apparent during COVID-19. She observed senior team leaders paying attention to Indigenous Education only when “Indigenous issues based on the Deputy Minister (DM) bulletins came out.” These bulletins are shared every few weeks. At the outset of COVID-19 and early in the pandemic, as Bigfoot shared, “The ministry was like, what are you doing for First Nations kids? How are you engaging with the communities? I believe that was sort of an afterthought on the part of the ministry.” With the ministry inquiring about district plans and programming plans, she noticed, “Suddenly it became important to include us in the conversation.” Her feeling is that her district is doing wonderful work, but “often it is reactionary and dependent on the will of the ministry.” She asked herself this question, “How much internal will is there?” and she questioned the internal will of the rest of the senior team leading alongside her. Bigfoot did share she feels very supported by her superintendent, but expressed, “I do not know the answer to that question.” She added, “But it is not even him, it is not even one person. It is the system. If he sees all his colleagues behave in a [certain] way, [it is] because the expectations are not that high.” District expectations vary in the provinces regarding the work of Indigenous Education. Bigfoot feels dissonance between her own expectations, those of her district, and those of the rest of the province. For academic excellence and school performance to improve for Indigenous learners, “You are going to [have to] raise the expectations and we [do] that for kids.” The dissonance between varying expectations speaks to the inequities that exist across the province for Indigenous learners and Indigenous leaders and teachers who are expected to help lead the change. 250 Navigating the hierarchy of a leadership system where historically race, class, gender, and power are reified to affirm and re-affirm the dominant majority, being an agent of change is often perilous work. This makes being an agent of change both challenging and necessary work for Indigenous leaders. Bigfoot said, “As Indigenous leaders we just straight up need to take up these spaces” in the system, especially as Indigenous women leaders, due to being at the bottom of the structural and racial hierarchy. Inequities in the system became very visible to Bigfoot as she continued to move up the leadership hierarchy from district administration to senior management leadership. In her observational scan of the province regarding expectations and equity, Bigfoot shared that “some districts are far along in this process … build[ing] a huge system of support, and then in some places you must fight for the position, and you must fight for support.” While Bigfoot stresses the need for Indigenous women leaders to take up space, how that is done, and the impact on Indigenous women as the first wave of senior leaders, is unknown. What is known is that Indigenous women leaders must reconcile the history of colonialism while trying to retain their Indigeneity as they advance into the senior leadership ranks. Colonialism continues to impact their wholistic well-being and leadership as they navigate the educational hierarchy. Bigfoot shared that she felt discomfort about “the assumption because we make it this far, that somehow, we were brought up in that same privilege. That impacts me because it is not true.” The assumption that we will be able to navigate the system similarly to non-Indigenous leaders infuriates Bigfoot because she has been navigating a system that “is completely inequitable” structurally, socially, and racially for Indigenous women. This inequity has been both seen and felt by Bigfoot in her work as a leader, because she must reconcile colonial history with a current system that continues to marginalize Indigenous women 251 economically, socially, and politically. Regarding the education system and educational leadership, “There has been purposeful marginalization of Indigenous women leaders,” Bigfoot shared. “You can feel it within your experience trying to lead in a system. If you think about the educational system and its history, that system was put there to dismantle the fabric of [our] culture, which is matrilineal for me.” There is a discomfort experienced by Bigfoot as she works in a system knowing this history and being a part of trying to reconcile the past with the present not only for herself, but also trying to help others understand as well. The marginalization continues to exist: For some districts and in some cases with some of our colleagues … [thinking]. It is conscious, but I also believe that there is an unconscious element, where they do not even know where it comes from because it has been happening for so long. Why is that? The discomfort in having to navigate a system that was not built on Indigenous worldviews or values continues to marginalize Indigenous women leaders. This struggle has left Bigfoot questioning, “How do we get what we want by navigating this system?” She expressed, “It is sort of like a chessboard and it is a really closed system as well.” These factors contribute to her feeling that it is difficult to make change as “the only one” in the system. Bigfoot has noted that not only has she been impacted, but she has observed other Indigenous women in the system also struggling with marginalization and carrying the weight of reconciling colonial history for their districts on their shoulders. She said that “some of our sisters who are listeners are seen as quiet and can be manipulated,” which can lead to a perception by others that they “are not being strong leaders or competent.” Then there are Indigenous women leaders like Bigfoot, “who are louder in our volume and a little bit more assertive … or bossy.” Being seen 252 as either quiet or bossy can have a negative impact on how one is perceived in one’s district. Getting lost in navigating the hierarchy is a real experience not only for herself, but also for others: So, we do not know how to navigate the system, because we have different Indigenous women who are marginalized in all these different ways because there are so many different districts and how they feel about Indigenous Education. There is no real unification across our entire province on how this should go, or the ways to do it, or expectations [regarding Indigenous Education]. Indigenous women leaders navigate a structural hierarchy where we are the “most marginalized in the entire system,” carrying the colonial past and present on our shoulders. Bigfoot is a matriarch in the making and utilizes the gifts given to her by the Creator and her ancestors, particularly her voice. She makes and takes up space with her voice and it is followed up with action. Her voice is the counter-narrative to the dominant group as she is “the only one,” and she persists in dismantling the colonial structure by remaining in her work despite feeling discomfort. Bigfoot said, “We do not have a space.” But I know that any space she enters, she leaves her mark. While she struggles with the feeling of having no space and recognizing that it is the same for other Indigenous leaders in other districts, she has observed that senior leaders within her own district contribute to this because they are not engaged listeners. There is no listening for understanding. She notes the following: Most of the conversations I see and hear, the space that non-Indigenous leaders take up is they always have their minds made up. They go into the meetings with the outcomes of what they want. There is never really any listening. 253 Listening is foundational to education but gets lost when it comes to leadership and decision-making. As Bigfoot can attest, “My current boss has [that] sort of way. He will make a case for what he wants as the will of the system and his leadership, but never gets to the other side of the story of making fulsome decisions.” The irony noted in this observation is that Bigfoot’s colleague “then hands out the book The Listening Leader and I am like oh my goodness [laughs], do you listen?” This lack of listening to understand is problematic for Bigfoot because she has been taught the importance of listening by her Elders and community members while in ceremony. Tensions ~ Nourishing and Extinguishing the Fire ~ Sole Leader in a System and Lack of Safety Reclaim ~ Refuse ~ Resist ~ Resurge Bigfoot has had to find ways to reclaim ~ refuse ~ resist ~ resurge to become a surthrivor in the system she is currently working in. The structural and social hierarchy of the education system that Bigfoot is forced to navigate as a matriarch in the making has her quietly refusing and resisting on the periphery. This marginalization is due to the fact that across British Columbia, most Indigenous women who occupy leadership positions are within the teaching ranks as teacher leaders or consultants within schools and Indigenous Education departments. When surveying the landscape of senior leadership positions, from district principals, directors of instruction, associate superintendents to superintendents as a whole, there are very few Indigenous women leading at the senior levels of leadership. Bigfoot connected the lack of space she felt to being both a newer leader entering the senior ranks and the most marginalized individual in the 254 hierarchy navigating the space. Her position comes with no pathway, as it has not been walked before by others. As Indigenous women leaders we are the first wave to reach senior leadership positions, so we are making the path for others to follow. Navigating and negotiating space has Bigfoot simultaneously reclaiming and resisting. She said: “My leadership has been given space in little parcels. Not given full space. In some ways it has been given space in a genuine way.” She is reclaiming space and making space but at the hands of others who are giving her the space. As much as she wishes to move forward in claiming space on her own terms, she is not given the space to do so. How space is given within the organization is dictated by other people who are in a more senior position than she is currently. Not knowing the boundaries and whether they are shared does put Bigfoot in a position of resistance when she hits a barrier or crosses over a line. She shared: “You can feel when that space closes. When you have stepped over some imaginary border where it goes from being comfortable and acceptable to uncomfortable and foreign.” Although she has encountered such experiences, it has not deterred her from entering the foreign spaces, as she understands she needs to be able to enter them to continue her work. Navigating and negotiating the known space that does not understand how Indigenous women can be in the space does make it feel uncomfortable and foreign. There is a fatigue and fear that is associated with navigating dominant spaces occupied by the dominant majority, as Bigfoot shared: It is the part that is tiring, when you talk about the space that white people take up in leadership and [the way] they are so comfortable there. They can say things without the same sort of reactions that we get. If we were to act, behave, or speak in the same 255 manner—we would not hold the same space and it would be threatening to our own positions. Indigenous and racialized leaders take up and negotiate space very differently and carefully as compared to non-racialized leaders, as Bigfoot’s point above illustrates. Bigfoot’s advice to Indigenous women leaders is that we must continue to “[create] space within the systems that [we] work in, in order to have those honest conversations about how [we] are feeling.” However, this requires the courage “to give yourself space to do that work.” While Indigenous women leaders continue to make and take up space, the spaces they occupy within leadership are not always safe. Bigfoot shared that the place to find a safe space “is not [in] the actual system but outside of it. You must step outside of it.” The refusal to share one’s personal difficulties in the system, and its impact on mental health, is a direct result of working in spaces where one does not feel safe to share real emotions. Bigfoot said, “We talk about the acceptance of mental health and taking care of mental health, but the system still does not support that in a real way.” There is no safety in the space to be honest about your mental health, which is a barrier, feeling safe enough to have those conversations and then taking the time [to address it]. It is not seen as a sign of strength, but an unveiling of a weakness that you have in this system that can be difficult. Not being able to find a safe space to share your concerns regarding your own mental health with someone contributes to a further sense of isolation in the system. Bigfoot shared this sentiment regarding her own work. “This is an isolating position, [you must] connect to others outside of the educational community you know … to take care of your wholism and your 256 emotional health.” Bigfoot relies on others outside of the system with whom she feels safe to discuss her mental health concerns free from personal and professional judgment. Bigfoot navigates the tensions and continues to surthrive in her leadership. As she shared, “You do it knowing your purpose and the reason that you do these things.” Her leadership has “survive[d] in community … outside of community and the borders that are in between those two worlds.” She refuses and resists, while at the same time she reclaims and resurges her matriarchy as an Indigenous woman: “I have no choice but to be who I am and to say what I am going to say.” She understands the fine, delicate balance of “having a certain level of resistance when it’s impactful, not just for the sake of resistance.” Leading with one’s Indigeneity intact, Bigfoot acknowledged, “is where we [can] also get ourselves in hot water, because we stick true to [our] values—which are in juxtaposition to Western European values a lot of the time.” Bigfoot stressed, “If we went with just the will of what the system wants, we would be further away from our true selves. That is the constant battle.” Bigfoot has learned to navigate the tensions that exist in the system. At the same time, she is finding and gathering what nourishes her needs so she can continue to surthrive. Inner Fire ~ Survivance and Self-Determination ~ Racism, Microaggressions, Lack of Safety and Rematriating Our Leadership I was thinking about survivance and how I define it in the ways that I resist and the things that helped me survive, and it just is so damn tiring that to be an Indigenous woman is synonymous with surviving. —Bigfoot 257 The daily grind of survival as an Indigenous woman and leader, as Bigfoot expresses above, is one of continual resistance and the feeling of never-ending exhaustion. It is one thing to persist and resist in our personal lives, but doing it in our professional lives as well is a double bind. Bigfoot speaks to this in sharing her thoughts on survivance: When I think about survivance and the ways and things that I have had to do to be where I am and remain somewhat sane, and to navigate everything that is put in my path, there are two aspects of my life I need to survive within. The first one is within community and the second is outside of community. Having mixed ancestry makes it just that much harder because you do not really have one solid piece that you can rely on, and you are never fully whole in one area or the other. There is in the community and outside the community and the line that we dance on as people who have mixed ancestry. This is especially true moving home, and you think about early pieces and survivance and the resilience factors that played into my ability to move beyond some of my earlier complex experiences as a child, and then to move into another system within this leadership role. While Bigfoot speaks of survivance within a community context, she is sharing the connection of the personal/professional and how that experience is mirrored within and outside of community. As an Indigenous woman with mixed ancestry, Bigfoot does not always feel like she fully belongs. She speaks of a line she must dance over, or that she sometimes dances on the multiple paths she needs to take to survive as an Indigenous woman coming home to her community. While Bigfoot has returned to her home Nation, she has shared that she has experienced lateral violence by members of her community. She said, “I am literally in survival mode right now,” and “I did not expect this to be so emotional.” She found it very distressing to 258 experience lateral violence in a place where she should have felt belonging. Bigfoot shared with the other women in the Sharing Circle the collective experience of surviving lateral violence: Here we are, a group of successful and intelligent women all talking about our daily lives and having to survive the systems that we navigate every day. So, when I think about survivance, I just think about the sad fact that it goes with being an Indigenous woman and all the opposing and oppressive forces that we battle every day. Some of those come from within our own community, which is even more sad than the more obvious oppressive Western society and people. The struggle of navigating being multi-racialized, and trying to return to your home community, leaves one wondering, “Will I ever be fully accepted?” The experience of lateral violence leaves that in doubt for Bigfoot. She said, “It took a long time for me to get to a place where I was comfortable [with] … that piece of my identity where there was no shame.” The shame of being of mixed ancestry and of having to overcome the lateral violence inflicted on you by members of your own community would be hard to overcome. However, Bigfoot has a heart of a matriarch, one whose spiritual fire is not easy to put out. Bigfoot attributes her survivance to her belief in herself, her supporters, and the connection to her homeland where she draws strength to continue to resist and persist. She believes, “It is the direct connection to that energy, that Creator energy that I spoke about. It is that connection to yourself. That is the biggest place where I draw strength from.” It is important to continually nurture connection to self and your inner spiritual fire. Bigfoot noted, “It is easy to go outwards and harder to go inwards.” The ability to continually spiral inwards and then outwards takes time, patience, and an awareness of self. Bigfoot shared the other factors 259 contributing to her survival: “Connection to community, canoeing, weaving, and ancestors or aunties are all those pillars of strength that [I] draw upon.” Indigenous leaders need their helpers, guides, and mentors, “[who] are sent to you in your life at any given moment to help you navigate this path to help with your survivance.” The ability to be within her home community with Elders and be out on the land engaging in cultural activities reminds Bigfoot of her reason for survival and continued self-determination as a leader and a citizen of her Nation. Survivance by Bigfoot and other Indigenous women leading in a decolonizing educational system speaks to their self-determination and sovereignty. There are several factors that Bigfoot attributes to her being both self-determined and sovereign: first is her refusal to leave her Indigeneity at the door; next are having a vision and remaining connected to her community. Bigfoot has always walked tall and within her own truth as an Indigenous woman leader. She does not make herself small to enter spaces she has not been before. She is sure in who she is and “staying true to that, which I think sovereignty is. Staying true to who you are. I am not giving up too much because this work requires you to do some of that.” This can be a challenge; as Bigfoot shared, “When you become too self-determined you are reminded of your place in the space you exist.” As an Indigenous woman leader, Bigfoot declared, “It is the way of our Nations to remain sovereign—by staying true to your values of who you are, at the core of who you are, despite popular opinion” or pressure to assimilate to the status quo. Envisioning leadership within the context of one’s Nation has allowed Bigfoot to continue to surthrive in her leadership. She shared, “I think to be self-determined you must create a vision that is not based on what the system wants, but what the people need. I aspire to always work towards that vision.” Centring your community and Nation in creating “a vision or path lead by the people … is how you remain sovereign.” A strong connection to her Nation and 260 community has influenced her leadership greatly. Bigfoot acknowledged that leaders within her own community have had a direct impact on how she enacts her own leadership. She has had the privilege to “witness and hear over the years about leadership and what it means from a [community] perspective.” She is talking about a close connection to community where leaders have had a positive influence “on how I see myself leading and how the community wants me to lead, as opposed to the system.” Bigfoot has been able to nourish her inner fire as an Indigenous woman leader by drawing strength from her family, community, and Nation. She has also found supports within and outside of the system that she can call upon when she needs advice or guidance on her leadership journey. Her leadership ways of knowing and being are well sustained, and she feels secure to continue to do the work: That fire, that spiritual core of me—there is a crackle underneath my skin and my energy feels too big for my physical body. The words that I am saying seem to come from somewhere else—from the legacy of my family, my ancestors … I know that I am on the right path, and I can feel that fire when that is happening. It is an energy thing; it is a spiritual energy thing. You just feel in alignment with yourself and the universe. This work “is a calling and it is definitely feeding [my] fire,” which will be a benefit for future leaders to come and generations of children yet to enter the education system. Summary Analysis: Surviving, Surthriving, or Not The stories of Bear and Bigfoot leading as Indigenous women leaders are both stories of surthriving within the educational spaces they work within. They both experienced loneliness in 261 being a sole leader in a system, but their matriarchal ways and cultural teachings allowed them to surthrive as Indigenous women leaders. Leading as the sole Indigenous person in their respective educational workplaces was hard on both Bear and Bigfoot. Their wholistic well-being as Indigenous women leaders was impacted both intellectually and physically. Bigfoot felt tokenized, meaning she was hired for her history and culture. Being hired for this reason, where you are the sole person sharing your lived experience daily, wears down even the strongest educational warrior. Many Indigenous women leaders suffer in silence while leading as the sole Indigenous leader in their districts, but Bear leads as the sole Indigenous leader in the entire country—despite being what she called the “token” Indigenous leader. She initially felt she lacked the skills required and suffered from “diminished self-confidence” (Clark and Johnson, 2017, p. 3). Both Bear and Bigfoot felt isolated as Indigenous women leaders because the educational systems they work in have not yet done enough to recruit, hire, and retain Indigenous leaders within their organizations. To overcome the feeling of loneliness caused largely by being the sole leader in the educational systems they work within, Bear and Bigfoot both relied on their matriarchal ways and cultural teachings to surthrive. The educational system privileges Western ways and ideas and is upheld by, as Bigfoot says, “willful ignorance.” The willful ignorance in the patriarchial system means not being open to understanding that matriarchy is a form of leadership and an embodied way of living for many Indigenous women. This did not stop either woman from surthriving in their work environments as sole leaders. 262 Chapter 8: Knowledge Gathered Introduction ~ Keeping the Fire Lit There are too many untold stories of Indigenous women leaders leading in decolonizing education systems, especially in the K-12 system, where stories are just starting to emerge. What are the stories these women carry and how does their lived experience inform their leadership and the systems in which they work? This research set out to find the answers to the following research questions: 1. How do Indigenous women leaders leading within large urban educational organizations retain their ‘inner fire’? 2. What is their lived experience leading in a decolonizing education system? 3. Are they surviving, surthriving, or not? This research is not a final means to judge as to whether the Knowledge Holders were successful in keeping their inner fire lit, but it offers insights from narratives rarely heard in educational leadership about the resilience of Indigenous women leaders in the K-12 system. This final chapter will provide a summary of the findings, offer discussion around how the findings and decolonization theories are embodied as one, and provide conclusions and implications for practice and research in the future. An Overview of the Key Themes This research process began with situating myself within the re/search in the Prologue and sharing my purpose of finding miskâsowin. The search to find myself in my own leadership 263 walk made me curious to know if other Indigenous women in leadership positions had similar experiences, and this became the focus of my research. Findings from this research revealed seven themes that emerged from the Knowledge Holders’ stories. These themes are outlined in Table 9 below, with each of the seven themes placed under one of the three main categories of themes. Table 9 Findings by Three Major Themes Keeping the Balance ~ Wheel in Motion Extinguishing the Fire ~ Wheel Tilted Nourishing the Fire ~ Keeping the Fire Lit Navigating the Hierarchy Loneliness Cultural Teachings “The Only One,” or Sole Leader in a System Racism and Microaggressions Rematriating Our Leadership Lack of Safety I now discuss the themes in Table 9, drawing on the theoretical perspectives of Absolon (2010) on Indigenous wholistic theory, and Smith (2012), Laenui (2000), Wilson (2008), and Kovach (2021) on decolonizing theories. The key themes discussed are navigating the hierarchy, being “the only one” or sole leader in a system, loneliness, racism and microaggressions, lack of safety, cultural teachings, and rematriation. Retaining Inner Fire ~ Seven Themes The seven major themes to emerge from the lived experiences and the narratives shared by the Knowledge Holders in this research project analysis will be organized within the three main research questions. The following section provides a discussion about the first question, 264 “How do Indigenous women leaders leading within large urban educational organizations retain their ‘inner fire’?” Nourishing the Fire ~ Cultural Teachings and Rematriation Indigenous women in this research project shared that both cultural teachings and rematriation of their matriarchy were key factors in helping them to retain their inner fire. The educational organizations in which these women worked challenged their understanding of leadership and the way they wished to lead as matriarchs in the making. The current education system privileges Western values and patriarchal norms of leadership ideals that can and do clash with how Indigenous women understand matriarchy as a form of embodied leadership. As the leadership research of both Amanchukwu et al. (2015), and Bolden (2003) suggests, mainstream leadership focuses on individuals who have certain qualities or traits that make them successful leaders. This style of leadership, one that glorifies the individual with the responsibility, clashes with Indigenous leadership, in which selected leaders serve for the collective betterment of their communities or Nations. Matriarchy as an embodied form of leadership has required the Knowledge Holders to re-remember who they are and where they come from, and bring forward the cultural teachings gifted to them from matriarchs before them so they may share their knowledge with young people who will become the leaders of the future. Reconciling the colonial imposed leadership standards while rematriating their leadership has had a negative impact on the Knowledge Holders’ wholistic well-being. Several of them suffered in silence as they did not have any safe mentors to turn to. As leaders, they were bound to a fiduciary duty to the districts as agents of the board, while at the same time they were rooted to their Indigenous Nation and communities as agents of change. The journey to reconcile the 265 fissure between the two has been both complex and burdening for all of the Knowledge Holders. In order to do their work and survive within this system, which was not founded on their worldviews, they turned within themselves and outside of the organization to nurture their inner fire. Cultural teachings had a significant role to play in the nurturing of rematriating their matriarchy and was foundational in supporting the Knowledge Holders both professionally and personally. Their understanding of matriarchy and the teachings they have received are unique to their own Nations and communities. Despite this, all the Kowledge Holders understood they had a responsibility to pick up the teachings and continue on in the work that their mothers and grandmothers before them had laid down for them to follow. Their shared narratives on understanding matriarchy within their own leadership aligns with the research of Heide Goettner-Abendroth (2017), who posits that Indigenous women are taking back their own understanding and how it aligns with their lived experience. All the women in this research project shared that engaging in cultural teachings provided them with guidance and strength to persevere in leading within the colonial spaces they occupied. The Knowledge Holders engaged in their cultural teachings within their own communities, out on the land, or within their personal spaces, not generally within their professional spaces unless it was for a district or community event they were attending. Attending to their own cultural teachings, practices, and ceremonies within the workplace was limited or done in a private setting. When they did bring their cultural teachings into the workspace it was often to teach others in the organization about the importance of Indigenous cultural teachings and ceremonies. The following two sections provide a discussion about the second question, “What is their lived experience leading in a decolonizing education systems?” 266 Keeping the Balance ~ Navigating the Hierarchy and Being the Sole Leader in the System Indigenous women leaders who work and lead within decolonizing education systems are often navigating as an “only one” or sole leader in a system. Mainstream leadership research shows that women in general are accessing more senior leadership positions within education systems (see Begeny et al., 2021; Chase & Martin, 2019; Gipson et al., 2017; Prado, 2023; Ryan, 2020; Robinson et al., 2017; Shaked et al., 2018; Shaked et al., 2019). However, while women are making progress in ascending into senior leadership positions, they are still largely underrepresented. Moreover, Indigenous women are not making the same gains as non-Indigenous women (Prado, 2023). This research is supported by my observation that there are few Indigenous women leading in mainstream administration positions. On the flip side, many Indigenous women dominate the administration positions for Indigenous Education, but Indigenous Education leader positions are often singular positions within districts. Race and gender continue to limit women leaders, particularly Indigenous women, from breaking into administrative ranks or senior leadership positions (Begeny et al., 2021). The research of Clark and Johnson (2017) and Begeny et al. highlights some of the barriers, including gendered stereotyping, racial discrimination, and discrimination in evaluation and hiring practices. The navigation as the “only one” or sole leader in an educational system is a lonely and perilous journey. There is ample research that highlights the barriers limiting women and Indigenous women in accessing leadership positions and senior leadership positions in educational settings. However, there is no research about what navigating the educational system is actually like for Indigenous women leaders. The only researchers who speak to experiences of 267 Black, Indigenous, and Women of Colour (BIPOC) are Begeny et al. (2021), who write about blacklash experienced by BIPOC women along racial lines and tokenism. Some similarities found between the research described in this paper and that of Begency et al. are the following: these women’s underrepresentation in leadership roles; underestimations of their competence and leadership potential; and their experiences of internalized negative self-perceptions, threat-induced stress, and cognitive labour (Begeny et al., 2021). The Knowledge Holders in this research project shared that they often felt lonely and isolated in their work as Indigenous women leaders, because most of them were administrators of Indigenous Education. As Indigenous administrators leading or holding an Indigenous administrative position, they felt supported by the Indigenous teams they lead or worked alongside of, but with regard to the system as a whole, they at times felt disconnection or a sense of dissonance. Additionally, navigating multiple worlds as an Indigenous woman leader who has fiduciary responsibilities to the board and responsibility to their Indigenous communities and Nations can be very challenging. Extinguishing the Fire ~ Loneliness, Racism, Microaggressions, and Lack of Safety Indigenous women leaders as “the only one” in educational systems experienced a feeling of disconnectedness that was further exacerbated by the impacts of loneliness, racism, and microaggressions. This resulted in many feeling a lack of safety in their work environment. The impact of isolation and loneliness on leaders and administrators has been well documented by a number of studies (e.g., Bauer & Brazer, 2013; Beisser et al., 2014; Wells & Klocko, 2018). However, this research falls short in articulating Indigenous women’s experience leading as “the only one.” 268 The Knowledge Keepers in this study reported that they experienced racism and microaggressions at the hands of their superiors and working colleagues. Several of the women shared that their administrative authority and leadership experience were undermined by work colleagues. These experiences are affirmed by the research of Begeny et al. (2021), who found that BIPOC women face racial discrimination that results in “underestimations of competency and leadership potential” (p. 3). As if experiencing loneliness, racism, and microaggressions was not enough, having no one they could safely turn to dramatically impacted the Knowledge Holders’ wholistic well-being—spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. A study by Espaillat et al. (2019) affirms that the impact on the wholistic well-being of leaders who suffer microaggressions may be “maladaptive behaviours including depression, hypervigilance, skepticism, rage, anger, fatigue and hopelessness” (p. 149). Several of the Knowledge Holders spoke of these impacts, and their narratives share some of the rage, anger, and fatigue they suffered at the hands of their work colleagues. Often, they suffered in silence. The lack of safety is connected to not feeling psychologically safe in the workplace when leading as “the only one” or navigating the system feeling isolated. The experiences of loneliness, racism, and microagressions, combined with the lack of safety, contributed to Indigenous women not feeling safe in their workplace, often with no one to turn to. This was the experience of several of the Knowledge Keepers. They often chose to keep quiet about their experiences, because they felt that if they disclosed their stories to others their jobs and careers as leaders might be put at risk. Walker (2019) and Wang et al. (2018) found that administrators were reluctant to disclose their concerns about feeling unsafe if they felt their jobs were at risk. They preferred to remain silent. 269 The following three sections provide a discussion about the third question, “Are they surviving, surthriving, or not?” Did Not Survive The inner fire of Indigenous women leaders can be extinguished to a mere ember, to a point where only a faint glow resides in the core, due to the multiple tensions experienced while leading that can tilt the wheel. The many stories about experiences of loneliness, racism, and lack of feeling safe while leading in a system show that these experiences can bring the wheel to a slow stop. Indigenous women leaders are marginalized in the system numerically, and this marginalization can lead to feelings of being lost and extremely lonely, feelings that are exacerbated by the racism and microaggressions experienced as Indigenous women lead in a dominant system. The system needs to provide more culturally relevant mentorship, increase recruitment and retention for Indigenous leaders, and prioritize and create psychologically safe work environments. The inner fire is reduced to a mere ember as the wheel becomes tilted. This ember is then lacking air to reclaim ~ refuse ~ resist ~ resurge in a system that consumed their fire. It is challenging for Indigenous women leaders to push back against racism and microaggressions when they are “the only one” and there is a lack of safety within their workspace, or they have no safe person to turn to. Indigenous women leaders who feel constrained or unsafe in their work environment will remove themselves from the system to preserve their spiritual core, as was seen in the case of Eagle, who resigned her position, and Wolf, who retired. Both left their administration as they could not survive within the K-12 system. 270 Survived Buffalo was the sole Indigenous leader who survived—but no more—in her leadership. Her survival consisted of resisting and refusing within the educational spaces where she worked. She is continuing to understand the social and political context of the educational system she is working in. She has learned to adapt and adjust her leadership as a result of her resisting and refusing the status quo of the educational system she works within. She is learning what it takes to navigate survival in the system. As a relatively young leader in comparison to the rest of the Knowledge Keepers in this study, she has to yet to find ways to reclaim and resurge as an Indigenous woman leader. She will no doubt find her way and place, as she has strong cultural teachings and is rematriating her matriarchal ways. Her consistent persistence and resistance will help her firmly root her sovereign self and self-determination as she continues her leadership in the future. Surthrived Keeping the fire lit as an Indigenous woman leader in a Western decolonizing educational system takes great courage and persistence, moving back and forth, beyond mere survivance to surthrivance. To surthrive as leaders, the Knowledge Holders leaned heavily into their own cultural teachings and relied on their connections to their families, communities, and Nations for guidance in their leadership. In an act of re-remembering, they spoke of their mothers, aunties, and Elders, who reminded them of their lineages and the responsibilities associated with being a matriarch or matriarch in the making. Rematriating their own leadership by grounding it in cultural teachings and knowledges nourished their fire, keeping it lit and burning brightly for others to see. 271 Those who have surthrived in their leadership were able to build and strengthen relationships beyond their own families, communities, and Nations by finding non-Indigenous and BIPOC allies who would walk alongside them in their work. The allies both upheld and affirmed the work of the Knowledge Holders and were integral to their surthrivance. They often became a sounding board for advice and a safe place to turn to when a Knowledge Holder was in need. Engaging in spiritual practices daily or when in need allowed for a space of reconnection not found in the spaces the women lead in. This could mean being on the land or using the medicines from the land for spiritual purposes, such as to provide a cleansing or clearing of negative energy or thoughts. Indigenous women leaders who honour their lineages and connections to future generations are fulfilling their ancestors’ wishes that they become matriarchs or matriarchs in the making, ensuring that rematriation surthrives for generations to come. Beaver, Turtle, Bear, and Bigfoot are matriarchs or matriarchs in the making who understand their roles and responsibilities. They have stepped into their sovereign selves and self-determination as leaders. Keeping the Balance This study has found that Indigenous women leaders in the K-12 educational systems continue to experience racism, sexism, and colonialism (as described in the work of Brunette-Debassige [2023]). These experiences determined whether the Indigenous women leaders in this study either survived, or surthrived—or not—in their leadership. It was challenging for all the women in this study to maintain their whole selves in the system, in such a way that they could be their sovereign selves and determine their own leadership ways. 272 Indigenous women leaders, such as the ones interviewed, understand the necessity of keeping their balance, both as human beings and leaders. Balancing the personal and the professional was crucial to their surthrivance as leaders in a decolonizing education system. Keeping the balance of the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual elements of being and maintaining one’s wholism is a fine navigation, but is essential for survival in any decolonizing system (Absolon, 2010). Wholism requires daily work and an embodied commitment to honour Indigenous epistemologies, worldviews, cultures, and traditions (Absolon). This commitment is not linear in time, yet respects and honours the time before us, the present time we are in, and the future time ahead of us. Indigenous women leaders have a responsibility to remember and reconnect with wholistic knowledges and to pick up and carry our bundles (which hold our medicines) and use them purposefully (Absolon). In embodying these acts of re-remembrance, Indigenous women leaders relearn and reclaim knowledge that our ancestors carried before us. This ultimately helps us to rematriate our ways of being, including enacting wholistic leadership that is grounded in Indigenous epistemologies, worldviews, and cosmologies (Absolon). As educational leaders it can be challenging to keep the professional and work life in balance. What has emerged from the findings from the Indigenous women leaders is how they understood keeping the balance is necessary daily work they needed to attend to. With respect to keeping the balance, and the findings that this involves being able to navigate the hierarchy and accept being “the only one” in a system, Indigenous leaders understood their presence is necessary to bring some balance to the system. I will share how navigating the hierarchy as “the only one” in educational leadership systems impacted their leadership as Indigenous women and as matriarchs or matriarchs in the making. 273 Navigating the patriarchy and the decolonial educational system as “the only one” challenged the wholistic well-being of the Indigenous women leaders who shared their stories in this dissertation. All the wholistic domains—the spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual— were impacted negatively, as the Knowledge Holders shared. The journey to surthrive was difficult and often disorienting, as they had no one like themselves to lean in to for support when they found themselves lost and in search of a pathway forward. The struggle to “just be” and honour one’s spirituality within the system is difficult and impacted the Knowledge Holders’ wholistic well-being. Navigating a system that is void of spirituality and/or spaces to engage in spiritual practices can be both bewildering and alienating. The Knowledge Holders had to engage in spiritual practices outside of work time as it was integral to their surthrivance. To “behave” as an Indigenous matriarch in the making is a perilous and demanding journey. The challenge of balancing one’s Indigeneity while navigating a decolonial and patriarchal hierarchy can and does create a constant imbalance wholistically, tiring out even the strongest educational warriors and matriarchs in the making. The work of a matriarch or a matriarch in the making is work of “resurgence … raising up our ways of knowing and being, our languages, our culture, our traditions, our spirituality, and our governance [Mikisiwi Pisim]” (Brunette-Debassige, 2023, p. 380). The Knowledge Holders affirmed the research of Brunette-Bebassige in that they shared their cultural teachings were foundational in rematriating their matriarichal leadership. Additionally, the rematriation of their leadership requires they bring their cultural teachings into the administrative spaces they occupy and the educational systems they work within. 274 The emotional domain and the drive to “believe” they can “be” in a system as their whole selves and be seen—as Indigenous women and matriarchs in the making—is a struggle. The coming to be, behave, and believe in oneself as an Indigenous matriarch clashes with the system’s understanding of how leaders should engage in leadership. Traditional forms of leadership and approaches are leader-centric. They glorify the individual, a process rooted in both patriarchy and hierarchy. Educational systems centre “[h]egemonic administrative norms [that] place Indigenous women administrators who refuse them on dangerous ground, and Indigenous women administrators who push back against those norms become problematic as they name and resist the colonial problem” (Brunette-Debassige, 2023, p. 381). When Indigenous women’s leadership moves do not align with the hegemonic norms, the system’s reaction is anything but kind. Hegemonic administrative norms clash with matriarchal ways and can subsume and silence matriarchs and matriarchs in the making. Educational systems may want to further investigate the alignment of Indigenous women’s leadership with that of Servant leadership. Servant leadership was a common thread that emerged from the literature review and the stories of the Knowledge Holders. Both Servant and Indigenous forms of leadership are united by the fact that a leader positions themselves as a servant to the collective and serves for the betterment of the communities that surround them. The values upheld by both forms of leadership and embodied by leaders are empathy, healing, and stewardship. Instilling this form of leadership within educational systems can help dismantle the hegemonic hold of Western leadership styles evident in many educational systems. Lastly, the intellectual domain and the desire to “be agents of change” require Indigenous women leaders to lead in spaces they have not been in before. Navigating the neoliberal and patriarchal hierarchy, where spaces are highly competitive and individualism is centred, is 275 foreign terrain and is far removed from the collectivist understanding that many of the Knowledge Holders recognize. The Indigenous women in this research project engaged in many acts of “Indigenous refusal” in their leadership work. These refusals pushed back on the racism, sexism, and colonialism they experienced while leading. The term “Indigenous refusal” is explained in the research of Brunette-Debassige (2023), and she mentions the work of Grande (2018), Simpson (2014), and Tuck and Yang (2014), who also used the term: “[It is] … used to identify ways in which some Indigenous women administrators resist settler colonial administrative tendencies to control Indigenous education” (Brunette-Debassige, 2023, p. 379). Indigenous refusals “turn their gaze back on colonial power … and can only be understood in relation to colonial power relations” (p. 379). Brunette-Debassige’s research on post-secondary Indigenous women administrators’ experience shows that Indigenous refusals are dangerous due to unequal power relations. Equally relevant to this research project, Indigenous refusals enacted by the Indigenous women are “dangerous acts; they take place, ultimately, at sites of struggle” (p. 380). This characteristic of Indigenous refusals was reflected in the stories shared by the Indigenous women in this research project. To be, to behave, to believe, and to be agents of change, Indigenous women leaders will need to continue to reclaim and resurge in the spaces they enter as leaders in order for transformation to occur. To keep the balance and wheel in motion within decolonizing educational systems and organizations, Indigenous women leaders need to have their Indigeneity and wholism seen, heard, and valued for the gifts they bring forward. The gifts need to be received well and respected if Indigenous women leaders are to surthrive in educational systems. 276 Transformation ~ Decolonization Continued As is evident from the research findings, educational systems still need to decolonize further. Indigenous women’s leadership practice can teach non-Indigenous leaders of the importance of connecting the heart with the mind, while embodying leadership values and ethics that are rooted in cultural traditions and lineages. Indigenous women’s bodies are virtually decolonizing educational systems by their mere presence in the system. However, this is not equitable or sustainable. Educational systems need to reverse the mirror upon themselves to see that racism, sexism, and colonialism continue to impact Indigenous women leaders. Racism and sexism continue to exist at the structural, local, and independent levels within educational systems. The flaws in these systems need to be exposed, dismantled, and addressed for change to take place. Educational systems need to take better care of Indigenous leaders, especially those who are “the only one” in a system. The Indigenous women’s lived experiences and the stories they shared in this dissertation call for educational systems to think differently and do differently when it comes to policies and procedures. This work cannot come on the backsides of Indigenous people within the system, as many of the Knowledge Holders pointed out. Indigenous women leaders cannot be tasked with leading the decolonization work in the system. Educational system transformation needs to be a collective approach, taken on by all in the system, for any change to be systemic and sustainable. The following section includes specific recommendations about how to facilitate this transformation. 277 Recommendations 1. Create Psychologically and Wholistically Safe and Inclusive Spaces That Foster Well-Being Indigenous women leaders and Indigenous leaders need spaces that acknowledge, value, and honour their whole being and wholistic domains—spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual. Wang’s research (2024) posits that “psychological well-being has been revealed as a vital component in [administrators’] overall well-being” (p. 442). While the issue of well-being has become a growing concern in public education, the system’s response to such concerns is still heavily lacking (Wang, 2024). If psychological safety and well-being are not being addressed at the system level in education, it will be hard to address cultural safety. Educational systems need to address both psychological safety and cultural safety in tandem, so that wholistic working environments are created for Indigenous leaders, educators, staff, and students. School organizations and school communities and those who work within them need to move beyond cultural safety to also include cultural humility. Cultural humility is in alignment with honouring Indigenous Knowledges and pedagogies and the current work within Indigenous Education in British Columbia and Canada. Cultural humility means “having an interpersonal stance that is other-oriented rather than self-focused, characterized by respect and lack of superiority towards an individual’s cultural background and experiences” (Skeet, 2021, para. 2). Educational systems need to create wholistically and culturally safe spaces between specific organizations and cross-sector networks, where Indigenous women can meet with other people who have similar lived experiences, including other Indigenous women, Indigenous men, Black people, People of Colour, and those who identify as LGBTQIA2S+. 278 An example of a wholistically and culturally safe space would be a sacred room or gathering room for Indigenous people in district offices, which would be for the sole use of Indigenous staff and the Indigenous students, families, and community members of a school district. Such a room could include sacred medicines, foods, and plants that could be on hand to bring comfort to Indigenous people. This space could be used as a safe and inclusive gathering space and mediation space for when students and families have to come to the district office for any school-related matter. 2. Acknowledge and Implement Cultural and Spiritual Teachings in Leadership School districts, district leaders, school leaders, educators, and school communities can learn, engage, and participate in cultural events and ceremonies to broaden their understanding of cultural teachings and spiritual practices. This would help them to discern why cultural and spiritual teachings are significant to Indigenous Peoples and Indigenous leaders. Engaging as a witness in ceremony and cultural teachings provides not only a deeper learning and understanding of the history but also the opportunity to directly connect with language, culture, and spiritual traditions. 3. Recruitment and Retention Educational organizations need to decolonize their recruitment and retention practices and processes to attract Indigenous leaders. This work also requires envisioning long-term plans and implementing decolonial strategies in their hiring and retention to encourage more Indigenous educators to enter administration. It would be helpful to keep statistical data on how many Indigenous leaders there are not only in the province of British Columbia, but also by 279 individual district. This type of data has just recently been collected by the British Columbia Principals’ and Vice Principals’ Association (BCPVPA), but is not collected by the BC School Superintendents Association (BCSSA). Race-based data needs to be collected so a baseline is visible to all. This data would also provide guidance to human resources personnel who are responsible for hiring, and need to know where to focus on for job fairs. As was shared by one of the Knowledge Holders, it is not reasonable to be “the only one” in a district. Human resources personnel need to do more long-term planning with regards to recruitment and retention, especially when considering Indigenous, Black, People of Colour (IBPOC) and LGBTQIA2S+ communities. Districts need to attract more educators to their districts, particularly from the groups noted above. They also need to examine the strategies they currently use at recruitment fairs, and their strategies for retention. How are they planning to develop, implement, and sustain strategies that are going to welcome the IBPOC and LGBTQIA2S+ communities and retain them in the system? For instance, are districts sending a diverse recruiting team to recruit the diversity they hope to achieve within their educator pool—those who will become leaders and will eventually make up the core of their future leadership pool? 4. Provide Mentors and Mentorship Indigenous leaders need mentors when they first enter a leadership role to help guide them in their navigation of the system, especially during the first year when the learning curve is steep. It is recommended that the individual be someone they are comfortable with. A new leader should be given the opportunity to choose who that mentor may be. If they choose to have an Elder, Knowledge Keeper, or community member to guide them this should be acceptable. 280 5. Diversify Leadership School district leadership must reflect the student body demographic. The educational landscape of educators, and the curriculum they are teaching, has been diversifying to reflect and meet the needs of student body populations, especially in highly urban cities and towns. The research of Johnson and Fournillier (2022) on educational leadership posits that “racial and ethnic disparities persist, calls for diversity in leadership continue, and Eurocentric frames remain pervasive in leadership cultures and spheres” (p. 184). School district leadership and school-based leadership need to reflect their student body population in all administrative positions and departments, all the way to the top of the hierarchy to the superintendent position. 6. Anti-Racism and Anti-Oppression Training School organizations need to do ongoing policy and practice scans and audits to ensure their work reflects the current research and practice on anti-racism and anti-oppression education. It is imperative for districts to commit to a collective vision, long-term strategic planning, and implementation of strategies that are upheld by the district leadership, educators, employees, and students. Anti-racism education requires sustainable professional development learning opportunities. It is also necessary to hire independent experts outside of the organization to help guide the ongoing work. Kendi (2019) posits that the key to becoming anti-racist is to “consistently identify it [racism] and describe it—and then dismantle it” (p. 9). This work is collective work in that “all educators and leaders should be committing to and engaging in anti-racism, anti-oppression and decolonization practices” (Ragoonaden, 2023, para. 1, emphasis original). 281 Addressing systemic racism is complex and challenging work, but it is work that responsive school districts need to engage in. To dismantle racism and become anti-racist as posited by Kendi (2019), schools districts may want to do an independent external review. Such a review was conducted by the Peel District School Board (PDSB), which found they could not adequately respond to the issues of systemic racism (Ragoonaden, 2023). The review included recommendations for the district to focus on “collecting data on issues like bullying and suspensions, advancing a culturally responsive curriculum, anti-racist training for educators, promoting racially responsive leadership and establishing an Education Equity Office” (Ragoonaden, para. 9). These recommendations combine focusing support for students as well as for employees. Indigenous and racialized minorities in leadership administrative positions, like the Knowledge Holders in this research project, would benefit from several of the strategies that focus on systemic change. 7. Circle the Triangle Educational systems need to build communities that foster relationships that are reciprocal and not transactional, especially within the management ranks of school districts. Creating an ethic of care within organizations that centres relationality could help flatten the hierarchy. How do we receive and hold the relationships we engage in? How do we agree we want to be with one another? It must be those who make up the system who decolonize how the organization views itself and operates. This means thinking from an Indigenous perspective of community, which is based on collectivism and cultural teachings, as opposed to a Western perspective, which focuses on the individual and their own needs. 282 Implications and Further Research The findings from this research contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of Indigenous women’s lived experience in leading in educational systems. The research emphasizes these women’s wholistic approach to being leaders, and makes clear that being able to express their sovereign selves and self-determination as leaders has implications for their survival as leaders within decolonizing educational systems. Using the Surthrivance leadership model as the theoretical framework and lens shows the complexity and nuances of Indigenous women’s leadership, and demonstrates how systems can and do impact these women’s wholistic well-being. The implication for future research and practice for Indigenous women’s leadership is that this work will inform the current emerging work in the field of study. Additionally, it will provide a foundation and guiding pathway for upcoming Indigenous leaders to follow. These additional narratives in the study of leadership will give hope to those coming into the system by showing them that they are not alone in their work. The shared narratives of this study’s Knowledge Holders will provide another perspective in the general field of study on leadership, where Indigenous women leaders and their voices are still largely absent, especially within the K-12 system. Their counter-narratives to the mainstream leadership voices prove that Indigenous women leaders have been leading since time immemorial, and will continue to lead on their own terms. In this research, I engaged only seven female Knowledge Holders, who were Indigenous leaders within their work. However, future work on the topics of Indigenous leadership and wholistic leadership would benefit from including both male Indigenous leaders and those with 283 Two-Spirit perspectives. It would be interesting to see a comparison of their journeys in leadership and to discover whether other Knowledge Holders have had similar or different experiences. Future research could examine how Indigenous leaders balance leading in many worlds. How do Indigenous leaders walk in many worlds when working in systems that privilege Western worldviews and leadership ideals? These questions are not addressed in the literature. Kenny’s (2012) chapter refers to walking in two worlds and many worlds, but narrative experiences are not accounted for. These are some of the potential pathways for further research on Indigenous women’s leadership. Additional research could be about expanding similar studies nationally and internationally, as such studies would provide greater insight into Indigenous women’s leadership surthrivance in decolonizing educational systems. This could also include longitudinal studies that follow the pathways of beginning leaders and span their careers. It would be useful to chart the transitions from one leadership position to another as Indigenous women advance in leadership within the organizations where they work. Conclusion This study has illustrated that there are many layers to Indigenous women leaders’ wholism and their ways of leading. Their surthrivance is always in flux as they navigate the liminal space between surviving and surthriving in decolonizing education systems. No one finding in this study is more significant than the others, because all are interconnected and all played a significant role in whether Indigenous women are in survival or surthrival mode, or the space in between. What became very evident in the study, through the stories and lived 284 experience of the Knowledge Holders, was the struggle and multiple tensions they experienced with racism, sexism, and colonialism. They all struggled or were challenged to keep their wheel in balance and protect their fire from being extinguished, while tending and nourishing their inner fire and keeping their spirit intact. The strength of the Indigenous women leaders that allowed them to surthrive in decolonizing education systems is evident within these collective voices, narratives, and stories. They embodied their leadership and the matriarchal ways and cultural teachings of their ancestors. This nourished their inner fire, within and outside their work environments, even when they felt challenged to keep the wheel in balance and in moments when their fire was being dimmed. The Knowledge Holders re-membered the matriarchs who came before them and blazed a pathway of surthrivance to follow so they could rematriate their own lineages. 285 Epilogue: Final Words For My Girls—Paige and Kaylyn Rematriation: The act or process of returning the sacred to the mother. (Rematriation, 2023) The term and concept of “rematriate” evolved in 2015 from a collective of Indigenous women who are from Western and Northern Canada. A small group of artists set out to reclaim appropriated identities within media and provide society with a counter-narrative that displayed Indigenous women’s fierceness. The Rematriate Collective uses social media, such as Instagram and Facebook, to share empowering visual images and imagery of Indigenous matriarchs to role model to the younger generation of Indigenous girls the diversity and complexity of matrilineal lineages. Indigenous women, whether they are artists, activists, warriors, educators, or leaders, have been continuing to rematriate and reclaim their identity and cultural traditions, while co-existing in a contemporary world. This is true of the Indigenous women who collectively shared their stories for this dissertation. They too are artists, activists, warriors, educators, fierce aunties, and some “graunties,” who are rematriating themselves, as well as re-remembering that who we are and where we come from is important to how we walk in our leadership. Re/matriating She gathers up the pieces of herself Along the way Past, present, future Rematriating 286 References Absolon, K. (2010). 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Some circles surround a fire, some surround sacred medicines, pipes, or smudging tools. In elementary school circles, often participants are comforted by a bowl of colourful stones or water. This offers a calming distraction to young people and may help them to be more comfortable in sharing. 4. Determine the direction of your circle. This usually depends on the Indigenous territory that you are in: If you are in Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) territory, your circle will most likely go counter-clockwise with the moon. If you are in Anishinaabek territory, your circle will most likely go clockwise with the sun. 5. Participants will enter the circle single file by walking the perimeter in the established direction and not across the middle. 6. It is not acceptable to bring any material objects with you into the circle. Your focus is on listening and learning. 8 These Sharing Circle Protocols were reproduced from Dawn Iehstoseranón:nha’s website (n.d.). 299 Questions for Circle Participants Leadership Journey 1. Who or what has influenced you on your path to leadership? 2. What, if any, spiritual practices inform your leadership practice? Survivance in Leading 1. How do you understand survivance in the context of your leadership? 2. Where do you gather strength from to walk your leadership pathway? 3. What are the impacts of navigating educational systems deeply marked by colonialism, racism, sexism, and ignorance? How has such an experience impacted your wholistic well-being as a leader? 4. How does leading in a colonizing system impact the way you lead as an Indigenous woman? 5. How do race, class, gender, and power impact leadership? How are these marked differently for Indigenous women who are leaders? Self-Determination and Sovereignty in Leading 1. How do you understand self-determination and sovereignty within the context of your leadership? 2. How has advocating for one or the other, or both, been lifted in your work or denied space? 300 Appendix B: Participation Letter 301 Appendix C: Consent Form 302 303
Thesis/Dissertation
eng
Educational Leadership and Policy
Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library
Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International
Graduate
Wang, Fei (Professor in educational leadership and policy studies)
Iskotew : fire-keeping the fire lit Indigenous Iskotwew (women) leading in decolonizing education systems
Text