"CONTENTdm"@en . "http://resolve.library.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/catsearch?bid=1211252"@en . "University Publications"@en . "2015-08-13"@en . "1983-04-01"@en . "Re-titled: \"The Weakened Scum\"."@en . ""@en . "https://open.library.ubc.ca/collections/Ubysseynews/items/1.0126021/source.json"@en . "application/pdf"@en . " CORPORATE\nMEDIA:\nOr, we take gratuitous shots\nat our bosses.\nPage A5\nSex and the\nSingle Puppy:\nAn exclusive behind\nthe kennels report\nPage\nB17\nTRAVEL:\n{\n\u00E2\u0096\u00A0\u00E2\u0096\u00A0i iw El Salvador and back: all\nP 'S j the national sites,\n\ Jf^m$~\n 24 hours \u00E2\u0080\u0094 guaranteed\n' hr*m\nPage F2\n^>\nThe Rose\nBushes:\nExciting new sequel to The Thorn Birds,\nshot In George Pedersen's garden.\nPage\n06\nThe\nUbyssey:\nEveryone's favorite newspaper\nwest of 6th and Granville gets\nsold after bloody battle between\nSoutham, Thompson and\nCUP. \"I loved it till the\nend,\" laments Cuppie.\nPage B1\nSee inside:\nSELF\nINDULGENCE\n* * * * *\nhe weakened Stum\nWRECK BEACH, NEAR SUNNY UBC FRIDAY, APRIL 1\nToday's weather:\nACID RAIN\nStay indoors\nNo sense\n$500 outside Pacific Press\nWEATHERMAN SEES SUNNY SKIES\nLatremouille to grab premier's seat\n'I didn't do those\ngov't ads for nothing/\nhe says, 'or did I?'\n\"ONLY CANADER EH?\" whisper conspiring refugees beginning to catch local\nlingo, as they lament the nuclear holocaust which has destroyed Europe. For-\nSPECIOUS REPORT\nJoe's dull, so are we\nBy DUG SOGGY,\nSILLY FROLIC and\nSilly's trendy little poodle MUFFY\nJoe, a quiet soft-spoken man in his early 30's, nervously brushes a lock of unruly\nblonde hair from his forehead as he begins\nto talk about his singularly interesting\nlifestyle.\nSpending his days as a chartered accountant and his nights watching video\ntapes of the 1982 Stanley Cup final, Joe\nseems, at first, to be living a life of utterly\nunremarkable boredom.\nHis unprepossessing Kits walk-up is\nuncluttered by mementos of past\nglamour, he has no exotic pets, no interesting personal mannerisms, and does\nnothing to distinguish himself from\nanyone of a thousand people one might\nencounter on any Vancouver street.\nIn short, Joe is not the sort of person\none would ever pick out as the leader of a\ncult of transsexual accupuncturists.\nWhich isn't surprising, because he isn't.\nJoe, like dozens of other people interviewed by the Specious Report team during the\npast several months, is typical of most\npeople put there in storyland \u00E2\u0080\u0094 he is dull,\nhe has done nothing of note, and he isn't\nnewsworthy.\nIn a daily scramble to fill a gaping hole\nin The Weekened Scum's front page, we\nof the Specious Report i team have been\nknocking our fucking brains out trying to\nfind interesting, trendy, human-interest,\nfeaturey stuff padded out to fill our allotted 30 inches of space per day and now \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nafter months of tearing our hair out to\nplease those assholes in management who\nthought up this plan \u00E2\u0080\u0094 we're sick of it.\nYou hear us, GS, sick!\nIt sounded like such a plum assignment\nwhen we got it.\n\"Hey team,\" they told us, \"how would\nyou like to have a lock on front page \u00E2\u0080\u0094\neverything you write planted in an\nattention-grabbing page one box?\"\nWho could refuse an offer like that?\nHell, they even ran pictures of us next to\nour by-lines.\nSee our mug shots, AS\t\nWe didn't even mind when the company didn't pay us any more for doing\nthis shit. Those guys know how to kiss ass\nwhen they want something out of you.\nThey promised us a section of the parking\nlot would be marked off: \"For exclusive\nuse of the Specious Report team.\"\nBut after a while, when the ideas\nweren't coming so easily anymore, the\nnice promises kind of fell by the wayside.\nThe word was out. We'd blown it. We\njust weren't interesting enough. People\nstopped laughing at our jokes in the press\nclub. Invitations for lunch were usually\ndeclined with averted eyes, a mumble, and\na cough behind a fist.\nWe were yesterday's newswriters.\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094Steve Bosch photo.\ntunately, cameras were rolling as intelligent life, as we know it, on the planet expires and refugees can watch instant playback preserved for all eternity on convenient video cassette.\nInstability hits Europe\nWeakened news services\nA ceasefire has been reached in this morning's limited nuclear war that destroyed\nEurope. The agreement came after American\nand Soviet officials declared the conflict a\nstalemate, a White House spokesman said\nearlier this afternoon.\n\"This is it. This is what New York was all\nabout,\" said an ecstatic American freeze\nmovement spokesperson in reference to last\nJune's massive rally in New York City.\nThe limited nuclear exchange began at 7:30\na.m. when the U.S. fired a \"warning shot\"\nat Leningrad. The U.S.S.R. returned the fire,\nand the continent was destroyed as most\nEuropeans were on their way to work.\nPreliminary counts put the number of dead\nat 200 million, almost half of Europe's pre-\nexchange population.\n\"By 7:45 it became obvious that neither\nside was going to capitulate or back down,\"\nsaid the White House spokesman. \"We\nplayed our ace and destroyed\nCzechoslovakia, but they simply wiped out\nItaly. That told both sides it would be best\nfor everyone to de-esculate.\"\nBut in Geneva, which was untouched by\nthe conflict, military observers said the conflict took at least 30 minutes to slow down,\ninstead of the planned 10-12 minutes. \"As a\nresult, all of Europe was decimated, as opposed to the handful that would have been\nhit if it could have been brought under control as quickly as the regulations dictate,\"\nsaid one official, who was in Geneva for arms\ncontrol talks.\nBy 8:00 a.m. the exchange had become a\nm.a.d. free-for-all, survivors reported.\n\"If it had been Kieve or Odessa, maybe we\ncould have understood. By why Lenigrad?\"\na bewildered Soviet president Yuri Andropov\ntold Pravda.\nU.S. president Ronald Reagan explained in\na press conference that the Free World could\nno longer tolerate Soviet expansionism. \"To\nsave Europe, we had to destroy it,\" he said.\nBy BRAWN KEENER\nWeakened Kamloops Bureau\nIn a surprise move, BCTV weatherman\nFred Latremouille has taken the Social Credit\nparty by storm and will lead it into the next\nprovincial election, replacing premier Bill\nBennett.\n\"The premier has been in a high pressure\n.area for some time now,\" said a sunny\nLatremouille, \"and he's feeling under the\nweather. Consequently the party decided it\nwould be best for Bill and for the investment\nclimate in B.C. if a new front moved in. That\nfront is me.\"\nLatremouille, the controversial freelance\nweatherman who faced a hail of criticism for\nhosting a thinly disguised series of Socred\npolitical TV ads paid for with government\nflush funds, has had a meteorological rise\nwithin the Social Credit party. He attributes\nhis success to Bennett's indecisiveness about\ncalling a provincial election.\n\"Bennett just couldn't decide whether to\ncall the vote or whether to wait,\"\nLatremouille said. \"So leading party\nmembers figured if they were going to have a\nwhethermari lead the party, why not at least\nget a professional one.\"\nA despondent Bill Bennett claimed the\noverthrow was plotted by Surrey gardener\nand former cabinet minister Bill Vander\nZalm, but admitted his political future appeared cloudy.\n\"It was a snow job,\" said the testy\npremier, his temperature rising. \"I've been\nfrozen out of my dad's party. My career's on\nice. But I'll tell you one thing \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nLatremouille's rain in this party won't last\nlong!\"\nMeanwhile, Latremouille breezed through\nhis election platform. The new Socred boss\nsaid that based on the success of B.C.'s new\ncovered stadium his party was planning to\nput all of Vancouver under the dome. The\nmoney for the enormous project will come\nfrom a special government fund put aside for\nrainy days.\nNDP opposition leader Dave Barrett, calling it a dark day for the province, promised\nto turn up the heat in the legislature.\n\"Latremouille and his fair weather friends in\nSocial Credit are full of hot air,\" a beaming\nBarrett told reporters. \"When the election is\ncalled the people will shower the New Liberal\n. . . er . . . New Democratic Party with\nvotes,\" he predicted.\nLatremouille's stunning move sent shivers\ndown the spines of Conservative party\nmembers currently searching for a new\nknifeholder, also sometimes called Tory\nleader. Inside informants at the CBC claim\nthat newsreader Knowlton Nash is pondering\na stab at the job.\n\"After all,\" Nash reportedly said, \"the\nTories . agree on one, .thing,, surprisingly\nenough, and that's the need for a national\ncandidate. So who could be a better National\ncandidate than me?\"\nObservers feel that if Nash were to throw\nhis hat in the ring the only man capable of\nstopping him is Lloyd Robertson of CTV.\nWhen contacted Robertson said of the\nrumours, \"It's news to me.\" He added that\nHarvey Kirck was still on vacation.\nAlthough the full effects of the\nLatremouille coup are yet to be determined,\npolitical storm warnings are in effect for all\nparties. The most alarming possibility yet was\nvoiced by political analyst Dalton Camp,\nwho claims that the Liberal party, ever alert\nto new trends, plans to draft one of Canada's\nmost loved broadcasters as its next leader.\n\"I have it on good sources,\" said Camp,\n\"that the next( Liberal leader will be none\nother than the Friendly Giant! The Giant has\nbeen told that a little chair has been set up for\nhim in the Liberal parliamentary benches,\nright there beside the fire.\"\nCamp said the Giant would be extremely\npopular with big business and have a\nstranglehold on the votes of young people.\nFriendly's key political advisor, Jerome\nGiraffe, said if elected the big man would\nhave a strong cabinet. \"Rusty the Rooster\nwill take over the ministry of agriculture and\nthe egg marketing board, and I don't think\nI'd be sticking my neck out too far to say I\nhope to get an appointment to the upper\nhouse,\" he confided.\nCamp said, the Friendly. Giant's only\npotential difficulty was in his close business\nrelationship with Mr. Dressup, the TV\nmystery man noted for his bizarre wardrobe.\n\"I'm just not convinced Ontario is willing\nto take a man like Mr. Dressup seriously in a\npost such as minister of external affairs,\"\nCamp noted, though he agreed that a\nDressup appointment to the B.C. Supreme\nCourt would be acceptable and not surprising. You\nChe Weakened Scum\nMORE WIMMIN'S STUFF/B2\n***** FRIDAY, APRIL 1\nB\nTHE TWO FACES\nOF NANAIMO BARS\nBy NASTY BOXERSHORTS\nand LIZZY GODSHE\nIt's usually one thing to run a famous catering service and\nquite another to be a woman's libber. But Susan has found a\nway to combine both and be a more creative person and loving being for it, although she has an ambivalent attitude:\ntowards the term \"Superwoman.\"\nIn her comfortable, co-op house, where strings of garlic:\ncloves easily mesh with large ferns, Susan sits back on a pink\nvelvet couch, takes a choking drag from her low-tar\ncigarette, and admits what she's known for years: \"Yes,\nnanaimo bars lead to liberation.\"\n\"They certainly led to mine,\" she stresses, afraid that the\nperson with whom she is trying to communicate won't\nunderstand and will prematurely judge her. She is all the\nmore apprehensive because it's only been five hours since\nshe discovered that she didn't need a man to be a whole person.\nAs an affirmation of her realization, Susan went to court\ntoday to legally remove her last name that made her famous\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 Meddlesoon \u00E2\u0080\u0094 to prove she can stand on her own.\n\"Patriarchy and male domination suck,\" she quietly\nsays, pushing last month's copy of Cosmopolitan under the\ncoach and revealing Ms. magazine under a cushion nearby.\nShe reflects on her years as Vancouver's top gourmet \u00E2\u0080\u0094 she\ncites appearing on the Vancouver Show with Pia Shandel as\na crowning achivement to a successful career \u00E2\u0080\u0094 and quiche-\nmaker. Her own business, The Hazy Gourmet, continues to\nthrive despite recent personal turmoil.\nShe says she feels uncomfortable about owning a business\nthat brings in more than $200,000 a year: \"Most of my\ncustomers are meri anyway,\" she remembers and spits in\ndisgust. Fortunately, there is a spitoon nearby.\nSusan, who started the Hazy Gourmet restaurant and\ncatering service five years ago, says food was crucial to her\njourney to enlightenment. \"You cook, and you cook, and\nyou cook, and one day you realize you don't have to cook.\"\nMost Vancouver feminists have accepted Susan's\ntransformation, although most will not go on the record.\nDebbie Dallas, of Vancouver's Progressive Women's Pro\ngressive Health, Counselling and Support Services and Spa,\nsays: \"I embrace her. She's a woman, a sister, a friend,\nthere is a natural bond between us that springs from men's\noppression of us. They'll never take that away from us.\nThey'll never know what it's like for me and Susan to share\na nanaimo bar together.\"\nThe subject of nanaimo bars comes up frequently during\none's conversation with Susan, who describes them as \"the\nperfect food: \"Throughout North American kitchens,\nhousewives knew about its nurturing qualities before apes\nwith human faces found out about it and made it commercial. The loving mix of homogenized \u00E2\u0080\u0094 not two per cent \u00E2\u0080\u0094\nmilk with pure chocolate and freshly grated coconut, well,\nyou can't beat it.\n\"Although you have to be careful about men who tend to\noverfill it with nuts, in keeping with their character.\"\nSusan has been a loving mother to two androgynous\nchildren \u00E2\u0080\u0094 \"I had them operated on\" \u00E2\u0080\u0094 for more than two\nyears. In addition, she has ventured into theatre; she became\none of the directors of Tieanoose theatre in 1979, the same\nyear she gave birth. She is currently one of two and a half\nwomen on the board.\nSusan isn't the only upper-middle class personality to\ndiscover feminism. Only recently, she and women's rights\nchampion, model agency head Blanc MacDonald got\ntogether for edible nanaimo bar private-wear.\n\"Those disgusting stores that cater to men's fantasies only offer the usual Lifesaver flavors,\" says Blanc. \"We want\nto prove that they can be as healthy and fulfilling in the kitchen as in the bedroom.\"\nThe pair decided to put famous, axioms on the new\nfashion line, starting with Susan's personal favorite:\n\"You've Come a Long Way.\"\n\"It's so perfect,\" she reflects, adding that it's one saying\nthat has had the most influence on her life. As she realizes\nthe meaning of the words, and the promise they continue to\nhold for the future, she weeps and looks down on the bright,\nclean Afghan carpet, only recently smuggled out. Susan, or\nSusan Meddlesoon as she was known just yesterday, is exactly where she belongs.\nEl cheapo finds new ways\nto save reputation\nOAKALLA \u00E2\u0080\u0094 The 1983 income tax form\nis a complex, intellectually overpowering set\nof documents numbering more than 473\npages. They could have kept the cost and the\nbulk of the form down by not double-\nspacing, but that's government for you.\nThose spendthrifts probably don't even\nknow the recipe for the old-ketchup-bottle\nbloody Mary.\nSo why the new dateline on my column?\nWell, keeping costs down, managing money\nand running a tight household does take its\ntoll, even when you're sharing that burden\nwith a patient, unstinting tax-deduction like\nthe one I'm married to.\nI guess it all started with the provincial\ngovernment's abolition of the renter's tax\ncredit. I know you're probably thinking\n\"renter's tax credit? But this guy owns his\nown house.\"\nRight you are, but as I pointed out in an\nearlier column, a handy but often overlooked\ntax dodge is to register your house to a dummy corporation in Singapore and, while still\nliving in the house yourself, list a set of fictitious relatives as the tenants.\nThis device also has the beneficial side-\neffect of making it hard for out-of-province\ncreditors to track you down.\nI found an economical way of venting my\npique at the government's move, however.\nAn effective molotov cocktail can be cobbled\nYOUR\nMONEY\nBIKE GRUBBY\ntogether using basic ingredients found in any\nwell-managed household, and thus armed I\nattended Bennett's extravagant,\nuneconomical opening of the B.C. Place\nstadium.\nUnfortunately, I was nabbed as I tried to\nsneak in with that choir of school kids, and a\nsecurity guard stole my bomb and told me to\nstay out of trouble.\nI went home for a parsimonious brood.\nThen there were the banks. Another little-\nknown but useful fact of money management\nis that loan rates of as low as 9.3 per cent are\navailable to borrowers who list a minor diety\nas the co-signer. Given this provision, I'd\ngotten the money for the Vega by forging the\nsignature of Vishnu on the loan form. This\nwas two years ago, and just a couple of days\nago, the bank finally got wise.\nThey didn't notice the forged signature \u00E2\u0080\u0094\noh, no, they went for one of their usual, petty\nYesterday in\n\u00E2\u0082\u00ACht Weakened Scum\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 If you'd bothered to pick this paper up yesterday \u00E2\u0080\u0094 and\nwe would've been surprised if you had \u00E2\u0080\u0094 you would've\ndiscovered the details behind the publications war to control\nThe Ubyssey. You would have learnt about media politics and\ncorporate negotiations to make the student newspaper Vancouver's third daily paper. But you didn't pick us up, did you?\nYou missed out on all the important news. Not to mention\nthat you failed to make us richer. Shame on you. You deserve\nto be stuck with The Province.\nloopholes. They told me this particular diety\ndidn't have signing authority except on the\nIndian subcontinent.\nI threw my youngest born through the\nmanager's door. The little tyke's medical expenses can be written off against the additional interest on the loan \u00E2\u0080\u0094 this through an\nobscure clause in the Bank Act \u00E2\u0080\u0094 so I was\nable to make my point to the bank with a\nminimum of personal financial disruption.\nBut, back to the point of this column. Yes,\nthe 1983 income tax form is a bitch. For years\nI've been deciphering these things, for my\nthousands of skinflint readers, and more importantly for myself.\nBut this year! More than 473 pages of\nnumbers, provisions, exclusions, qualifications. And the whole thing capped at the\nback page with a picture of Marc Lalonde\nand the caption \"Eat this, motherfuckers!\"\nSo I did the only sensible thing. I got the\nwhole family and the dog together, we\nurinated on the form and sent it back without\nfurther comment.\nActually, this Oakalla thing is working out\nquite well. I'm developing metalworking\nskills at the prison shop that should save me\ntime and money when I get out in 10 years.\n(Five for good behaviour, but I'm having too\nmuch tax-free fun here to behave.)\nOf course, my family is a problem. They're\nstill out there, generating bills, paying taxes,\nand spending money I don't have.\nBut we do have a shop bakery here. And\nmy latest cake (ingredients paid for by you\ntax-paying saps) went out with the little\nwoman last night.\nIf she tries at about 2 a.m., I figure she and\nthe kids can break in and stay unnoticed.\nAnd that's today's tax tips.\nSUSAN, BEFORE AND AFTER\nCan you tell the difference?\nWe can't\nCONGRATULATIONS\nThe 1983 award for sensationalist journalism has already been\nwon by the staff of the Ubyssey student newspaper at the\nUniversity of British Columbia for its coverage of an alleged\nHerpes outbreak. Although normally we usually hire from\nEastern Canadian journalism schools, The Weakened Scum ap-\nplaudes the accomplishments of the following reporters, artists\nand editors:\nM^ &yL\nY$fa\u00C2\u00AB^C.\nPeter Berlin\nRobby Robertson\n/^C^^^^(^c\nCraig Brooks\nShaffin Shariff\ncM u*\u00C2\u00A3^L>\nPatti Flather\nifefefc^-C:\nLen Whitehead\nCharles Campbell\nDoug Fraser\nJ-\nKru\nJTAjO/MX\n*\nArnold Hedstrom\nBrian Jones\no^!\nr/S^\nLisa Morry\nAI Banham\nSensationalist Che Weakentu- Scum\nFounded in 1983\nCLARK W. DAVEY\nGod\nFRANK RUTTER\nSenior letter cutter\nBRUCE LARSONY\nManaging Dipstock\nBRUCE HUTCHINSON\nRetired-has-been\nGORDON SOUTHAM\nEditor-in-chief\nIAN HASSAM\nThe boss\nEditorial page\nPAGE A4 FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1983\n* * * * *\nBeing right\nThe past four years of Vancouver Civic administration has taught Vancouver voters that the\n\"left\" is not all that bad. Under Michael Har-\ncourt, a person with political views not that far\nleft of centre, the city has done its best in these\ntough economic and social times.\nWe have seen controlled growth, management\nof Socred megaprojects in the interests of the people; and budgets reflecting the needs of Vancouver's population, not that of fanatics and\ndevelopers who want to remove barriers for the\nsake of political gain. Or rather, we would have\nliked to have seen such changes.\nWhen one drives home after work, usually\nabout 6:15 p.m. or so (why not 4:30, we still don't\nknow), the advantages of having Michael Har-\ncourt in office become obvious. Whether it be a\nWest End for people, not prostitutes, or building\ndevelopers with plans for people, not profits, Har-\ncdurt's presence is felt.\nWhen the Scum supported Michael in 1980 it\nwasn't without hassles. People in the business\ncommunity who have too often dictated the\neditorial stance of this paper were not amused.\nThey said the Scum was \"commie,\" \"pinko,\"\n\"leftist,\" and yes, even \"radical.\" (Sounds like:\nThe Ubyssey, actually.)\nBut the Scum's choice was for the better. Can\nyou imagine what it would be like today, with expensive wrist watches on all civic employees,\nskyscrapers outside Stanley Park, Mein Kampf\nreadings in council meetings, and the selling of our\nvaluable park land for developers.\nWe at the Scum editorial department knew what\nwould happen if Jack Volrich and his cohorts got\nreturned to office. That is why, against the desire\nof our publisher, the true blue Tory that he is,\nand that of the Southam mega-empire, we, the all-\nknowing, all-seeing editorial writers, supported\nBrother Mike.\nThe province is in a similar circumstance now.\nFaced with a corrupt government, which has an\natrocity list longer than Attila the Hun, one may\ncautiously conclude that the Socreds are a party of\nthe past. They have brought (or is it bought?)\nmore dirty tricks than even tricky dicky Nixon\ncould have thought of.\nGrade's finger, northeast coal, B.C. Hydro,\nB.C. Place and its roads, rapid transit, letter-\nwriting, and more. We are facing education cuts, a\nworsening state of health care, and a massive\ndeficit, while the provincial government builds\nvisible mega-projects to help get re-elected.\nIt is time the people of B.C. stand up and be\ncounted in something other than a census. It is\nhigh time Bill Bennet stopped hiding in a corner\nand ruling by decree. It is time we had a change in\nthe government.\nBut Dave Barrett and the N.D.P.? We've been\nmore of an opposition than they have.\nThat is why we think anarchy is the better alternative. Let the revolution start now.\nWe apologize if anyone out there really believes\nwe took a real stance.\nSex positions\nEver walk down Davie Street? Or Georgia\nStreet? We haven't, but we'd like to comment on a\nmatter that greatly concerns us. And the only\nreason it concerns us is that our Surrey and Bur-\nquitlam readers (the majority of our circulation)\nhavej expressed concern about it.\nWe refer to an ugly topic, one that has been a\nsource of sorry state since the beginning of time.\nWe refer, of course, to a matter so controversial,\neven Pat Carney (PC-Vancouver Centre) brought\nit up in the house bf commons.\nVancouver cannot tolerate the situation any\nlonger. Citizens are continually harrassed by this\nmenace that prevents children from walking to the\ncorner grocery to pick up 1 litre cartons of two per\ncent milk, going to the nearest video arcade in the\nloc|lj7-ll store, or even doing something mundane as going to schools that are full of dope\npushers.\nBut we aren't worried about schools with dope\npushers or the proliferation of video arcades (incidentally, Clark Davey's son has six Atari games,\ntwo Intellevision sets, and is clamouring for a\nCommodore 64). Our intelligence, or lack thereof,\nprevents';, us from tackling those subjects.\n(Editorial writers whd wdrk 10 a.m. to 6 pirn,\nshouldn't have to deal with such things anyway.)\nLittle old men may not agree with our stance.\nWhat they do in early afternoons in Stanley Park\nor near Denman street makes their day worthwhile. And we applaud house of common's\njustice committee's suggestion that the activity\nunder discussion here be undermined by the\ngovernment's definition of a public place.\nSuch activities should not be taking place in a\npublic place. If beings of the streets begin to\ndisregard appropriate health standards and\nprecautionary measures, a large segment of our\nrespectable citizenry will be affected. We would\nnot like to see a tragedy on the scale of recent outbreak of an incurable, infectious disease among\nAustralian Lippizan stallions.\nWe have considered the matter long and hard,\nweighed both sides of the issue, and taken six\nmonths to come up with our stance.\nOurs is an imminently fair position: Squirrels\nin the West End must go. There are no two ways\nabout it. For too long, taxpaying citizens have had\nto deal with rude little creatures who continuously\ninterrupt a good night's sleep and other important\nactivities.\nWhile we're at it, we think Pigeons also must\ngo. It seems those pesky birds have been flying\nsouth to Surrey after leaving the downtown area.\nA real enhancement\nThe informal ceremony earljer this week in\nwhich Lieutenant-Governor Henry Bell-Irving officially opened the min-hatchery on Kanaka Creek\nthat will bear his family's name was but another\ngrace note in the service he and his wife have given\nthis province in the nearly five years he has been\nthe Queen's representative in this most favored\ncorner of her Canadian realm.\nThe hatchery will be not only one of the focal\npoints in the new regional district park along the\ncreek but an important educational resource for\nstudents in the area. It was built with donations by\nthejsublic to The Scum's Save the Salmon Society\nbut moist significantly with the financial support\nof the Bell-Irving family.\nAt a time when they were winding up a family\nbusiness that had been their direct association with\nthe west coast fishery they acknowledged their\nobligation to the future of that fishery with their\nsupport for salmonid enhancement.\nIt's an example we can only hope other companies and families whose futures are still inextricably linked with that resource will be impelled\nto follow.\nRemember\nCanadians should feel a certain sense of loss at\nthe recent destruction of the cultural centres of\nEurope. It is truly a pity that today's nuclear war\nbrought and unheralded rain of destruction upon\nEurope, the like of which the arts have never seen.\nThe Mona Lisa, the architecture of the Vatican,\nthe castles of Germany, the fish and chips of\nEngland.\nAll gone. To say nothing of all those people.\nWe have our roots in Europe. That is something\nwe should never forget, as we forge ahead without\nthat spot of land across the water.\nIt's a bloody crying shame.\n\"My dear, despite what you say about voodoo, I doubt that stabbing junior's doll will make Mr. Clark drop out of the race.\nIs anyone out there reading this?\n\"Who the hell am I\" \u00E2\u0080\u0094 unknown iconoclast.\nMy name is Jam Lame.\nI'm a journalist.\nMy job is to expose evil and corruption in our\nsociety.\nThat's why I am in Ottawa, and that's why I\nam a journalist.\nWatching movies in Vancouver just wasn't\nthe same.\nAnd last week intrigue came to the world of\nOttawa, just my kind of stuff. When a Grope\nand Flail reporter was barred by security officers from following Pierre Trudeau up a flight\nof stairs, I reacted. It's my job. I'tn a journalist.\nAccounts of the dastardly incident made the\nCTV national news, my column, and provoked\nnumerous other newspaper and radio reports.\nAlthough we aren't supposed to talk about the\nfact that journalism is one of the major drinking professions, at the Ottawa press club the\nmatter was yelled about long and loud over sundry fermented concoctions (saying beer is not\npefmitted'by power'-that-be).\nHe was not exactly manhandled, but he was\nphysically prevented from asking the prime\nminister a question in a place where the prime\nminister is fair game for questioning. Hence the\nmedia outburst in favor of freedom of the\npress, and denigration of Mr. Trudeau and his\nsecurity team for denying the media the opportunity to quiz the country's leader on matters of\nimportant policy.\nI happen to agree with that view. But I also\nthink I know why the incident occurred when it\ndid, and what was behind it.\nBefore the vice-president's wife went on a\nCBC radio show, six U.S. agents entered the\nstudio \u00E2\u0080\u0094 which was flashing a red light, indicating a recording was in progress \u00E2\u0080\u0094 and\nbegan knocking on walls, inspecting electronic\nhardware, and generally making a psychic\nshambles of the place.\nWhat makes this security show really amazing is the knowledge that it was staged by what\nwas only the 'B' team. The 'A' team, bigger\nand better yet, travels only with President\nRonald Reagan.\nNo doubt there is legitimate concern for the\nlife of the vice-president. Sad though it may be,\nhe must have security. We should not forget\nthat Artie Bremmer stalked Richard Nixon\nhere in the '70s before choosing George\nWallace as a suitable target for his gun. But\nsometimes the security treatment is taken to absurd lengths.\nJAM LAME\nIN OTTAWA\nYou see we wanted to ask Pierre something.\nAnd he didn't want to tell us. Mystery, intrigue.\nAnd why not? Simply put, Mr. Trudeau is\njealous of us. He has all those Canadians hating\nhim, particularly those in the West.\nPeople read and listen to us. Most Canadians\ngave up on Trudeau a while ago. A while ago\nMr. Trudeau decided not to have any more\nregular press conferences. All part of his grand\nplan. Since then he and his ministers have\nissued conflicting statements on everything\nfrom the Cruise missile to testing potential\nnuclear weapons on Canadian soil. He told\nUnited States vice president George Bush last\nweek he supported Cruise testing, but later he\ntold the House of Commons something else.\nI'm still trying to find out what.\nConfusing.\nYou're telling me.\nMr. Trudeau is trying to make us look bad,\nso he will look good, in comparison to us, the\nmedia.\nEither that or he has finally gone off his\nrocker. I think it was something I'll call the\nGrecian Factor.\nThe incident occurred the day after Mr. Bush\nwas here. During his brief stay he was never\nwithout a bottle of the Grecian Factor. That\npopular substance has been used in abundance\naround 24 Sussex drive recently, my informed\ninside sources told me Tuesday. Despite his\nreceding hairline, Trudeau is actively using the\nstuff, our source says.\nIt must be soaking through the bald spots\nright to his brain.\nAnd then there was the Bush incident, not\nunrelated to Grecian. During the vice\npresident's recent visit to Ottawa, professional\nsecret service people showed their stuff. The\nglamor of the machine, the precision pacing,\nthe brutish behavior, jeez \u00E2\u0080\u0094 big league stuff.\nJust adding to the intrigue nature of Ottawa.\nAnd you are reading about it here, since it's my\njob. I'm a journalist.\nAnd we journalists stick together.\nThe reporter who got accosted, a certain Mr.\nWalkom, is a friend of mine (although we are\nstill not on a first name basis). After the incident when Canadian security guards imitated\ntheir U.S. counterparts, Mr. Walkom was\ntaken to the commons basement for a dose of\nCanadian torture. I sought him out after he\nreturned from the dark, deep, mysterious depths of the central block, because I wanted to\nknow what was down there, but because I gave\na damn about the Toronto competition\n(although he is, still, a friend, like all us true\nOttawa journalists are).\nSo what was Canadian torture like? I asked\nhim. He was forced to watch the beachcomers,\nthe ACTRA awards, and Nowlton Nash (a fine\ndedicated journalist).\nDoing movie reviews in Vancouver just\nwasn't the same.\nIs anybody reading this? Does anyone care?\n-J\nMARGINAL\nNICKELS\nIN VICTORIA\nUNDER TABLE\nThe Weakened Scum is a politically naive newspaper. It is published daily except Sunday, Monday,\nTuesday, Wednesday, Thursday\nand Friday and holidays by Vancouver Newspapers Unlimited\n(owned by Southam for the proprietor. Pacific Press Ltd. (also\nowned, coincidentaly by South-\namL\nIt has always been patently obvious that the leftist/liberals have been unable, in their noble fairytale\nexistence, to get at the heart of the real issue.\nThey use classy, loaded, perjoi-ative phrases in sup-\npdft of objectives that will plunge the community into anarchy, ruin or worse. Take the inflammatory\nword bashing, as in union bashing or East Indian\nbashing. Their use of the word simply serves to\ndetract attention from their own moral turpitude.\nThen there is that moral vaguary \u00E2\u0080\u0094 just. They\ncavort around proselytizing about this or that just\ncause. \"Just wait until we're elected,\" they say.\nThe simple fact is that their language is without\ncontent \u00E2\u0080\u0094 a perfect reflection of the fact that their\n: beliefs are without substance.\nI should make it clear that this is a subject around\nwhich things have not been honestly discussed or\ndebated. And it is because those progressives,\nrendered comfortable and often arrogant by their\nown rhetoric, have too much pride in their rosy\nearnest beliefs to be crusty buggers and mess up a\nnews page with gray, disconcerting and unpalatable\nfacts.\nThose lawyers have a cute way with words. And\nunless you step back and measure their anguished\nphrases you may not realize that they are closet advocates, that they are defending a propagandistic\npoint of view, as opposed to myself, whose reasoned\ndiction and judicial wisdom benefit the critically objective role of the passive newspaper scribe.\nWhat have they against my mother?\nThose teary eyed sophomores even dare to suggest\nthat the intentions of those who would return to 19th\ncentury England or to the Italy of the late 1930's are\nnot noble, good-intentioned but bad, unsavory, un-\nprofessorial political ones. It is all part of their quasi\nfascist suppression of honest truth.\nThe woolly, uncritical, milquetoast, permissive,\nliberal intellectuals promoting green light parenthood\nwill only promote homicide, homosexuality, assault\nand rape, which, as we all know, go hand in hand. Or\nwould at least like to.\nAnd the politicians will be criminally negligent if\nthey supinely go along with their do nothing advice\namid the liberal groans of horror at the thought of a\nhard, penetrating truth.\nMorality is angry and nasty. Nature is mean and\nold. Mean and old is angry and nasty. It is a reality\nthat the nice, kind loving progressives will rend the\nheavens in order to deny.\nThey will eagerly seize on the idea that convention,\nthe strap and sexual repression were the enemies of\nmy normal development.\nBut where are the facts? What has the left got\nagainst my mother? What in fact is the crux of their\nBREWERY\njist? The uncomfortable truth is that the left wishes\nto think itself right. But the logical fallacy of that\nstatement is patently obvious. Still they use the word\nright as though it were their private purvey,: as\nthough they could assume the right of the right.\nAs though the libertarians think they can forge\nanything except Lenin-like chains of steel. As though\nthose who would reward the thugs and shoplifters\nwith a suspended sentence deserve anything less than\na cold, damp cell in Siberia. As though freedom isn't\nthe worst form of imprisonment.\nAnd those misguided political scientist, those\ndowdy, effiminate sociologists, the veritable toast of\nthe evangelistic progressives, what have they done for\ntheir country? For whom will they go to war with\ntheir pithy ideas about nuclear disarmament and\npefect equality? T\"> which ideology do they owe their\nabortions?\nThey will be cowering in their little, blood stained,\npink booties when we return to the good old days of\ncapital punishment and the English squirearchy.\nWe'll give them brickbats, not laurel wreaths.\n*\nIt is always nice to come back to the typewriter\nafter a snooze. I've often wondered after my little\nnap where those stars come from, those tiny asterisks\n. . . But there they are, crying out for an addendum\n\u00E2\u0080\u0094 the content at the end of the column.\nRegarding a letter from a certain J. Swift who objects to my suggestion that the marketing of Nestles\ninfant formula \u00E2\u0080\u0094 which results in one million deaths\nper year through starvation and disease \u00E2\u0080\u0094 is not an\nappropriate method of population control.\n\"Why not,\" proposed Mr. Swift, \"feed the infants twice as much infant\" formula as they need\nrather than half as much.\" ((This would be easily ac\ncomplished as none of those impoverished third\nworld idiots can read and probably feed their kids\ntwice as much as they need anyway.)\n\"The resulting fat and healthy babies could be\nharvested to feed the starving adult population,\"\nSwift continues. \"There are several advantages to\nthis. In the long run less infant formula would be\nconsumed as the children would have a fixed\nlifespan. As well, the need for abortion would cease\nand the tragedy of death through starvation and\ndisease would be eliminated.\"\nBut I won't place a premium on Swift's fuzzy leftist thinking. Why create a stable of healthy third\nworld adults and preclude the acceptability of large\nscale population control through war?\nCertainly war is a more intelligent method of control than this tawdry socialistic idea of Swift. After\nall, what do healthy, unrepressed unrepentant adults\ndo? They propagate. And they would quickly have\nmore babies than they could eat!\nThen the doctrinaire intellectuals would be dancing around saying '' We can't make war on these people, they're just like us.\"\n*\nA word to the young thug who refused to give me a\nseat on the bus because I was \"senile.\"\nTo paraphrase Winston Churchill, if you're not\nwitty when you're 17, snide when you're 30 and\nsenile after 20 years on the bench you're not an\nasshole. Sports, Entertainment\n^he Weakened Scum\nCLASSIFIED (TWIT ZONE)/Z\n* * * * * FRIDAY, APRIL 1\nc\nFLAMES BOREDOM\nFriday is normally the day for my self-\nrighteous indignation column. But today is\nspecial. Our much loved sports editor, Duncan Stewart has just been sacked and by\nway of celebration he bought everybody\nhere drinks. I am now the only person left\nin the office who is both sober and awake\nand as a whole bunch of reports just came\nin over the wire, I'll just cobble them\ntogether, stick my name on the top and\nhand them in to the soon to be ex-editor.\n* * *\nIn my time as a sports writer I've been\nlucky enough to meet many larger than life\ncharacters, but none more so than Moose\nLaizly. Moose promotes concerts for the\nstudent All My Mother Society out at UBC\nand has his eyes set on the Guiness Book of\nRecords and talks about having UBC\nstudents set a world chair sitting record next\nfall, but already this year he's come close to\nbreaking the record for the least number of\npeople to buy tickets for a rock concert. He\nsold two for David Craven and then went\nall the way for the big ZERO with the\nPloughboys from Seattle.\nSays Laizly: \"Any fool can fail to sell a\nticket if they fail to advertise and put the gig\non at 7 a.m. on Sunday morning. But I've\nshown that I can put on a decent band at a\ngood time with promotion and still fail to\nsell. And it wasn't just a one off or a fluke.\nI can lose money on anybody, The\nCowboys, DOA, Daniel Ellsberg, The\nBeatles, you name it.\" Laizly is a man who\ntakes pride in his work. \"I'm really into\nmessages,\" said the rippling Laizly. \"And\nremember, I'm a rock n' roller, no-one's\ntougher than me. And if you write anything\nbad about me, Boredom, I'll sit on you.\" I\nhear you Moose, I hear you.\nYou may wonder why this column is concentrating on our local university rather\nthan on our local sports. Well, as my old\nfriend, future England soccer team coach\nBrian Clough used to say when he picked\nup in his Merc' when I was teaching him\nhow to play squash \"You show me a stupid\nathlete and I'll show you an athlete with\nproblems.\" And that's why the university\nathletics program is so important. Athlete's\nget first rate coaching and an education\nwhich teaches them not to be stupid. And\nI'm all for it.\nTalking of UBC. Wreck beach reminds\nme of the sunny strand at Rhyl, that North\nWales paradise where I used to meet my\nmate Bill Shankly, then Liverpool Football\nClub manager, in the days when I was his\nscript writer. I still remember the dog like\ndevotion with which he used to trot behind\nme as I read him his lines and the pure admiration with which he greeted the pithy\nepigrams I used to toss out. \"Some people\nact as if soccer is a matter of life and death,\nbut it's more important than that.\" was one\nof my better efforts. (Mostly I just pinched\nsayings from Yogi Berra and Vince Lom-\nbardi, Bill had never heard of baseball, he\nknew no better).\n* * *\nSome people say the fight game's tough,\nbut it's nothing to journalism. Sure\nMuhammadi Ali's lost more brain cells than\nany of us ever had to start with. Sure Duk\nKoo Kim was killed in the ring and sure\nthere isn't a professional pugilist around\nthat hasn't a nose broken more times than\nI've had sex and with ears bigger than the\nbest B.C. cauliflower but that's nothing\ncompared to the awful damage their careers\nhave wrought on the men who make up the\nscum sports team. There isn't a clean liver\nor a pleasant thought in the place. But on\noccassion it's worth it all. The spectacle of\ntwo talented men at the height of their\npowers slugging it out is still a spectacle of\nterrible beauty.\nAnd we at the Scum have been privileged\nto witness just such a spectacle. Not for just\nfifteen three-minute rounds but over two\nyears our noble combatants have gone at it\ntoe to toe whenever one of them turned his\nback.\nThe two demonstrators of the noble art\n(office back stabbing) were much loved\nsports editor Dune 'Sailing-run it' Stewart\nand (in the black corner-boo hiss) assistant\nmanaging editor Geoff Stevenson.\nAnd the bout ended last week when\nStephenson landed a clean left knuckle\nduster to the back of Stewart's head.\nNaturally enough we here at the sports desk\nwant a rematch and are busy trying to rig\nthe fight in favor .of our man. If we don't\nget it we'll all sulk (well we all sulk anyways\nbut now we'll have an excuse) and run\nendless sailing stories.\nCAREER OPPORTUNITIES\nTHE UNIVERSITY OF BRITI5H COLUMIIA\nThe UBC faculty of commerce and\nbusiness administration invites nominations\nand applications for the position of\nDEAN\nDue to the imminent departure of the present dean for that scummy\nSFU, where he willassume the position of chief executive officer July 1,\nwe need a dean, like fast.\nThe appointment, which will take effect as soon as that Lusztig fellow\nclears out his desk is for a term of five years, with the possibility of renewal\nif the successful applicant can talk like the incumbent arts dean.\nApplications should be accompanied by a detailed curriculum vitae, the\nnames of references and a $10 non-refundable deposit.\nThis advertisement is directed to Canadian citizens and permanent\nresidents, but foreigners are really encouraged to apply.\nApplications, nominations and enquiries should be addressed to:\nThe Commerce Undergraduate Society\nHenry Angus Building 302\nUniversity of British Columbia\nVancouver, B.C. V6T 2W5\nAre you bored with your present lack of employment? Has the prospect\nof sitting on the beach all summer got you down? Cheer ,up. You can\nchange all that and get a chance to control the lives of millions of other\npeople at the same time. For qualifications and details on this unique opportunity keep reading.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Is your last name Who?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Do you own a NHL team?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Can you confidently fuck up this country's budget?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Do you have any inclinations to wear feathers or collect dead\npenguins?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Would you like an opportunity to learn two officious languages?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Can you refrain from violent illness at the mention of the federal\nConservative party?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Are your middle fingers in good working order and do you\nhave contempt for the average person?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Do you have absolutely no sense of reality?\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Need a few bucks?\nIf so, you too can join the latest trend and run for Conservative leadership. There's only one position, so hurry because there are already too\nmany candidates for the job.\nBenefits include a ticket on the Canadian Prime Ministership Lottery,\nwhich offers better odds than winning a prize from Loto Canada or dropping dead in a Flamingo suit while riding a cruise missile.\nTo take advantage of this exciting opportunity to lead this country to\noblivion send your resume with explanations of why you desire power and\nthe best ways to fuck up this country to: Armour Securities, 24 Sexist\nDrive, Ottumwa, Canada. FOA 1D1.\nMoose gets critic\nnoosed in pas 17\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Lloyd Dynk, Weakened dance\ncritic and non pareil, visited a cultural extravaganza and inflicts us\nwith a report.\nWe had occasion last night to take note of\nthe latest offering from the Royal Moose Jaw\nBallet. Stunning? Suffice it to say that we\npresque soiled our seats in untrammelled\ncritical ecstacy.\nThis daring company's latest force de\nfrappe, an original pas de vingt-sept entitled\nWhither the Hastings 14, tells the tragic saga\nof Alfonso, a bus driver, and his star-crossed\nlove for the bag-lady Eloisa.\nElroy Fosdick was passable in the role of\nAlfonso, but the real stand-out was plucky\nSydney Fuzzbox, affectingly dancing the role\nof the GMC diesel bus. Convincing? We\ncould smell the fumes in the 12th row,.\nIntermission came. We strolled out to the\nlobby. Our Courvoisier was watered. No\nmatter.\nRapture was ours as the second act began\nwith a masterful bit of Fuzzbox improvisation. An ability to rise above minor setbacks\nmarks the truly accomplished dancer and\nFuzzbox placed himself solidly in that\nstratum hier soir.\nHis faultless stop in mid-leap and his\nsubsequent walk to the side of the stage,\nfrom whence his shouts of \"That was a-one\nand-a-two, right?\" echoed through glittering\neast-side venue, bespeak a creative daring too\nseldom seen in the stilted, formalized structure of classical dance.\nBut even such a magical night as this was\nnot without its minor flaws. Principal female\ndancer Elvira Perspira could be seen from\nwhere we sat to have a striking five-o'clock\nshadow under each of her armpits, a significant disadvantage to one who so often dances\nwith her arms up in the air.\nStill, it is to nit-pick. Such quibbling cannot blunt our enthusiastic enjoinder to, as the\nvernacular has it, cut loose with the Moose.\nJOYS OF TRANSPORTATION: it's the Dink-y things that count\n/ TALENTLESS FILE \\nIncompetents end up hollowafter wimpdom\n\"No one can accuse us of being wimps. We\nplay music that kicks you right in the b\u00E2\u0080\u0094,\"\nsays Duane Insane, lead singer and guitarist\nof the Up and coming punk/new wave band,\nThe Incompetents.\nFrom the looks of Insane, he's probably\nright. The man is huge. His massive muscular\nbuild is topped off by locks of bleachy blond\nhair cut in a Mohawk swath. Euro-discoites\nprobably bow meekly in his overbearing\npresence. (I should know.)\nBut I manage to get on his good side as he\ngraciously gives me an interview over Big\nMacs and McChicken at the golden arches\nnear the East Vancouver cave where Insane\nand his fellow band members dwell.\n\"Do they have milk here?\" asks Insane in\na sandpaper voice. \"My mother always said,\n'drink lots of milk.' \"\nI offer to buy him a glass of white stuff\nwhile I quietly muse to myself about the\ndichotomy of this punk rocker who drinks\nmilk and still remembers his mother's wise\nsayings.\nIndeed, dichotomies surround The Incompetents who are quickly making a name\nfor themselves in the burgeoning Vancouver\nmusic scene.\nThe band manages to balance opposing\nelements in their music. Their sound is\nawesome \u00E2\u0080\u0094 one of raw, unabashed power.\nBut their jackhammer-like music is given a\nlight, breezy touch with quasi/soul-reggae,\nverging on ska stylings.\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2\nI caught a recent performance of The Incompetents at The Smilin' Buddha where the\nband wasted no time kicking into first gear\nwith a rousing and riveting sound on the very\nfirst tune I heard.\nUnfortunately, I could only stay for one\ntune since I was covering talent night at\nRichards' (on Richard's) the same night. But\nit was obvious from my brief listen to the\ngroup that they are a competent bunch of incompetents.\nMore dichotomies were revealed from their\nperformance. Despite their reputation as a\ngang of degenerate, greasy-haired scums,\ntheir tunes reek of intelligence and sensitivity.\nThe intelligence comes from former\nRhodes scholar and current bongo and\ndrums player of the band, Geek Miller. The\nsensitivity comes from the bassist, xylophone\nplayer, and rap master, Burping Roger. They\ndefinitely balance the dunce-like aura of The\nInsane.\nTake the lyrics of the single, Nothing\npop/rock\n7*\n^ / NEARLY HOLLOW\nBelow My Neck, off their debut album on\nJunk Records, Wimps of the World Beware.\nDefinitely thinking man's music. It won't insult the intelligence of any of the voids and\ntrendy punks who flock to their gigs, no matter how illiterate they are:\nChest hairs, 1gotta grow chest hairs.\nGive me some chest hairs, I gotta grow\nsome chest hairs.\nCan't get no chest hairs, I gotta get some\nchest hairs.\nDon't wanna have less hairs, I gotta get\nmore chest hairs.\nOriginality and talent are the only words\nwhich can be used to describe such musical\npoetry. Use those words all the time.\nAs Insane puts it, \"We try to address the\nissues which are of supreme importance for\ntoday's youth.\n\"In Chest Hairs, we talk about a crisis for\nyoung studs like ourselves which is equivalent\nto an old fart's battle with menopause: deficient chest hair growth.\"\nHe speaks with vitality and determination.\nInsane knows it is a long hard road ahead to\nmaking CFUN's top 40 charts with such\nsincere and revealing music.\nBut the band's manager, Malcolm \"I'm a\ncapitalist pig\" Mush, is not worried about\nThe Incompent's desire to achieve improved\ncommercial success. (Their album has only\nsold four copies to date, which according to\nMush were bought by three groupies and In-\nsane's mother.)\n\"People aren't total imbeciles and\nmorons,\" admits Mush. \"They know good\nmusic when they hear it and The Incompetents are about the best musical group\nto emerge since the Partridge Family, or even\nThe Monkees.\"\nCan The Incompetents live up to such high\nexpectations? If classic tunes like Chest Hairs\nare any indication, I would say yes.\nBut for now they are desperately trying to\navoid the nasty clutches of a horrible\nphenomenon: wimpdom.\nAREYOUA\nREGISTERED\nVOTER?\nWell bully for you. It's too late. We've decided\nthere's nothing left worth bothering to vote for. From now\non anarchy rules, anyone can do anything she or he desires.\nAn existential bent is encouraged but of course not mandatory (black tie and tails are required).\nAnarchy is easy. Let the id roam with wild abandon,\nbecome a citizen of the world, if you like.\nVive la bagatelle!\nIf you choose not to decide you\nstill have made a choice\nREVOLT\nProvince of\nBritish Columbia\nChief Electoral\nOffice\nlllllllllllllll\nW\nCatch the\nB.C. Spirit\nDuring the past few years, we have:\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Taken credit numerous times for federal programs;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Opened thousands, er, hundreds, er, tens of\ndaycare centers, while closing many others;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Developed North East coal, while laying off people\nin the South East coal fields;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Revised electoral boundaries twice, to provide a\nmore equitable distribution of correct voters;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Created harmony between the government and\nB.C. teachers;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Built a domed stadium to hold politicians' hot air;\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Channelled federal money to mega-projects, helping to create construction jobs, while we import professionals since our universities are funded too little, and\n\u00E2\u0080\u00A2 Had the queen visit, so you could all listen to the\nPremier Bill make a political speech.\nThis ad paid for by government (your) money, not by\nthe Social Credit party."@en . "Newspapers"@en . "Vancouver (B.C.)"@en . "LH3.B7 U4"@en . "LH3_B7_U4_1983_04_01"@en . "10.14288/1.0126021"@en . "English"@en . "Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library"@en . "Vancouver : [publisher not identified]"@en . "Images provided for research and reference use only. Permission to publish, copy, or otherwise use these images must be obtained from The Ubyssey: http://ubyssey.ca/"@en . "Original Format: University of British Columbia. Archives"@en . "University of British Columbia"@en . "The Ubyssey"@en . "Text"@en .