UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Apr 4, 2017

Item Metadata

Download

Media
ubysseynews-1.0347584.pdf
Metadata
JSON: ubysseynews-1.0347584.json
JSON-LD: ubysseynews-1.0347584-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): ubysseynews-1.0347584-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: ubysseynews-1.0347584-rdf.json
Turtle: ubysseynews-1.0347584-turtle.txt
N-Triples: ubysseynews-1.0347584-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: ubysseynews-1.0347584-source.json
Full Text
ubysseynews-1.0347584-fulltext.txt
Citation
ubysseynews-1.0347584.ris

Full Text

Array APRIL4.2017THEUBYSSEYSPOOF ISSUE
COMMIE CUCKS SINCE 1918
EDBREITBARF
CAMPUS EDITION
ice 1918
i Safai's
true to her
usic is a universal method
is looking for a hand to
i to help herself, and she
ons are now finding
I'm Voting NO to
-xause it doesn't
y help Palestine
iplaces meal plan
>ns with one, more
ive option
S will bring bigotry,
to UBC"
get into the Milan
^J THE UBYSSEY
News   Culture   Features   Opinion   Sports   Blog   Science
AMS provincial voting campaign
starts off with new Uppercase coffee
sleeves
By Samantha McCabe - April 3,2017,7:43 p.m.
Coffee cup sleeves are a strategy that the AMS has used
before. Last September, they ran another campaign
focused on pushing changes to the draft sexual assault
i Store       <
THE UBYSSEY IS FAKE NEWS
As many of you know, the main media outlet at UBC is run by globalists. And like all liberal biased media, The Ubyssey, UBC's campus
newspaper, is guilty of publishing fake news.
TRUMP NOT RACIST, SAYS MAN WHOSE HALLOWEEN
COSTUME WAS "LAZY MEXICAN"
"IT NEEDS SPACE
TO BREATHE," SAYS
MANWITH EENSY
TEENSY PENIS
IS CAMPUS
SECURITY
MAKING UBC A
"SAFE SPACE"?
HOMELESS
FORESTRY
STUDENT EVICTED
FROM IRVING
TOP 5 AYN RAND
QUOTES TO
TATTOO ON
YOUR NECK
"I AM NOT
A SNAKE"
PHOTO ESSAY PAGE2 APRIL 4, 2017
■ 1
BREITBARF
EDITORIAL                                               STAFF
„      ,.    ..     _,..                                     Lord John Lawrence, Barry Johnson,
Coordinating Editor                                 „.     ~       ~    . .  i.. _
3                                           Ding Dong Derrick, Dirk Trangus,
Taargus Taargus                                     D        Goodtimes> Xanax Noogiyen,
coordmatmg@ubyssey.ca                          Joo|ia charredmeat> Moistra Wetton>
Design Editor                                          Brandon from Accounting, Jordo
Tiny Baconator                                       Peblumson, Pepe Sylvia, Pisstain
printeditor@ubyssey.ca                              Weiner, dat boi
News Editors                                          legal
Susie Savior &                                                          ^he Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the Uni-
■_■                                                                            versity of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday
lOOlhieSS                                                                    by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an auton-
neWS(5)UbVSSeVCa                                                     omous, democratically run student organization and all
students are encouraged to participate.
Culture Editor                                                                 Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff.
.                                                                   They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not
Jlian FanglO                                                                necessarily reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications
CUltUrefeDubVSSeV Ca                                                  Society or the University of British Columbia. All editorial
content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The
SDOrtS + Rec Editor                                                 Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photo-
j.     "                                                                             graphs and artwork contained herein cannot be repro-
bClllTialO NaVinalO                                                   duced without the expressed, written permission of The
SportS@UbySSey.Ca                                                   Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian Univer-
VideO Producer                                                        sity Press (CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
i_i   u a    r\   *                                                                     ^ne Ubyssey accepts opinion articles on any topic re-
Half An Onion                                                           |ated to the University of British Columbia (UBC) and/or
VideO(5)U bVSSey.Ca                                                    topics relevant to students attending UBC. Submissions
must be written by UBC students, professors, alumni, or
Ooinion + BlOO Editor                                           those in a suitable position (as determined bytheopin-
.                                                                                  ions editor) to speak on UBC-related matters. Submissions
LTaig tne KninOCerOS                                           must not contain racism, sexism, homophobia, transpho-
OpinionS(5)U byssey.ca                                              bia, harassment or discrimination. Authors and/orsubmis-
sions will not be precluded from publication based solely
on association with particular ideologies or subject matter
Science Editor                                                           that some may find objectionable. Approval for publica-
Dr Doom                                                                      tion is, however, dependent on the quality of the argument
and The Ubyssey editorial board's judgment of appropri-
SCience@UDySSey.Ca                                                ate content. Submissions may be sent by email to opinion ©ubyssey.ca. Please include your student number or
Dh   t    EH't                                                                    other proof of identification. Anonymous submissions will
rTlULO EulLOl                                                                ke acceptecj on extremely rare occasions. Requests for
JoOSh                                                                             anonymity will be granted upon agreement from four fifths
nu_l_q^. ikyqqpy p-,                                                 °f the editorial board. Full opinions policy may be found
^            ^      "       ""                                                      at ubyssey.ca/submit-an-opinion
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified
Our CaiTIDUS Coordinator                                    advertising that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to
c   u i    u     **    *                                                           publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the
SOh LeberItarian                                                     liabilityof the UPS will notbegreaterthan the price paid for
OUrcampUS(5)U bySSey.Ca                                        the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not lessen the value or
the impact of the ad.
Copy Editor
Shao Kahn
copyeditor@ubyssey.ca
\
Sun fprprlifr from anpaii
ivli(>ldl$pufa\muq\$ml
Make everyone jealous with these permanent phrases.
TOP 5 AYN RAND QUOTES TO TATTOO ON YOUR NECK
Barry Johnson
these
sage pieces of timeless prose
3.     "I would give the greatest
Larry's Cousin
onto
your exposed flesh and sleep
sunset in the world for
well knowing you'll be the coolest,
one sight of New York's
If you've reached that stage in
most
fiscally conservative member
skyline."
your life where the branded
of your golf club.
4.     "The hippies are the living
Sauder merchandise and charcoal
1.
"For a woman to seek or
demonstration of what it
grey suits just doesn't scream
desire the presidency is, in
means to give up."
"I masturbate to mortgage
fact, so terrible a prospect
5.     "I can say — not as a
foreclosure documents" enough,
of spiritual self-immolation
patriotic bromide, but
we have a suggestion to help
that the woman who would
with full knowledge of the
spice up your capitalist life and
seek it is psychologically
necessary metaphysical,
make your fellow business school
unworthy of the job."
epistemological, ethical,
classmates as jealous as an arts
2.
"Any white person who
political and aesthetic
student seeing someone their age
brings the element of
roots — that the United
make a downpayment on a house -
civilization has the right to
States of America is the
Ayn Rand neck tattoos! Ink one of
take over this continent."
greatest." ED
LETTER: I DESERVE A ROOM
TO VOICE MY OPINIONS
FREE OF LIBERAL CRITICISM
UBC Housing
resent
SUR
Neuroscienc
Lectur
srhaps the worst
: you have ever seen. You know, I
j/ was stupid, all my classmates
' was stupid, so there was general
it.'
[DATE]
No it's not one of those "safe spaces
Ding Dong Derrick
Kind of a Dick
As a conservative student on
campus, I am an oppressed
minority. I can't talk about my
support for Trump or my hatred
for immigrants without being-
shut down by a plethora of leftist
losers. As such, I demand that the
university provide me with my very
own room in the Nest to voice my
thoughts and opinions without the
fear of liberal criticism.
Don't get me wrong — this isn't
one of those "safe spaces." I hate
those. This would just be a space
that is safe for people like me to
talk about issues that are important
to me without the hassle of having
to explain them to people who
don't share my views.
If UBC really supports free
speech, they'll give me a space to
safely express my opinions without
criticism or judgment from liberal
social justice warriors or my mom. ED APRIL 4,2017 PAGE 3
LETTER: I WILL DEFEND FREE SPEECH
UNTIL MY DEATH AS LONG AS IT'S
ABOUT MEN'S RIGHTS OR VIDEO GAMES
Dirk Trangus
Snowflake
As a white male on UBC's liberal
echo-chamber campus, I feel it is
my duty as an oppressed minority
to actively fight for the right to
free speech. It's important for
everyone's voices to be heard —
that's why I will defend literally
every person's right to freedom
of speech as long as their speech
relates to the men's rights
movement or video games.
The true basis of a healthy
democracy is free, open dialogue
about anything and everything
related to men's rights and video
games. That's why I spend my
time fighting to elevate the
speech of those whose voices
have been traditionally silenced,
as long as they're talking about
men's rights and/or video games.
For too long, society has
dictated what is and isn't okay to
talk about. I think it's time that
we move forward as a human
race and give each and every
person the right to express their
views without fear for personal
safety, as long as those views
pertain to men's rights or video
games. ED
.ETTER: JUST
BECAUSE
DON'T BEL EVE
N CLIMATE
IHANGE
DOESN'T MEAN
SHOULD FAIL
EOSC
Lord John Lawrence
It Me
As we all know, human-based
climate change is a lie made up by
the Danish because they're jealous
of Canada's oil deposits and space
program. Everyone, it seems, except
for the "experts" who've dedicated
their lives to studying "science."
My so-called EOSC prof is
convinced that by some sort of
magic, humans are making the earth
warmer. What does she know? It
snowed yesterday.
I am being discriminated against
for my very correct views on the
subject. Just because I shriek
loudly every time the professor
says "climate change" doesn't mean
that I should fail this class intended
to teach me about the effects of
climate change and pollution. Aren't
I entitled to my own views? UBC is
stifling the voices of their students,
and I demand that my super mean
and ugly professor who wouldn't go
on a date with me should totally get
fired. ED
MELANIA TRUMP'S^
CUSTOM ESSAY
WRITING SERVIC
ORDER NOW AT: 1-800-ALL-UES PAGE 4 APRIL 4,2017
IS CAMPUS SECURITY MAKING UBC A SAFE SPACE?
Students should undergo rigourous testing and certification to earn their their "safe space
Pepe Sylvia
Contributing Meme
If you've followed my writing,
you'd know how much I hate
this liberal notion of the so-
called "safe space." Why should
someone deserve to feel safe in
their surroundings if they haven't
gone out and earned it?
That's why I'm calling for a
defunding of the fascist Campus
Security. These liberals shouldn't
be able to hide behind Safe Walk
and security guards to get them
home safely — there should be
guns every 100 feet for the public
to defend themselves.
Take my friend Rick — his
decision to watch first-years go
to the bathroom through a hole
he bored in the wall was his right.
Why should he be banned from
campus?
For that matter, why are
there bollards to stop cars from
driving through campus? It is a
demonstrable fact that letting
cars onto Main Mall would
facilitate getting to class faster
and easier. You wouldn't have to
worry about dodging that hippy
on the longboard or getting
caught up in his wake of weed
smoke — Ford Tauruses are much
easier to dodge. The senseless
decision of UBC to create a
fascist regime of security theatre
is unconstitutional and doesn't
belong in this country. ED
ww tki& umA..
KELLYANNE
n
w/ Instructor Kellyanne Connaway
6pm, Daily @ 625 Main Street
**FIRST CLASS FREE!
6J body/
-gElll-
BEGINNER PACKAGE:
• 10 Hours /Month
■ Consulting
INTERMEDIATE PACKAGE;
■ 20 Hours / Month
■ Conspiring
Exclusive goodies
ULTIMATE YOGI PACKAGE:
» 40 Hours / Month
■ Private consultation w/
instructor Keilyonne
* Unlimited access to
goodies, facilities & more A
A • kellyanneyoga.comjw25 Main Street, Washington APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE5
LOSING AN ARGUMENT? TRY MEMES
Who needs peer-reviewed facts when we have memes?
By Moistra Wetton
Moist Correspondent
The prospect of accepting defeat
in an online argument is one
which almost certainly makes your
neckbeard itch with rage.
In this day and age, there are
a limited number of options to
diffuse a Facebook comment war
before screenshots are found by
members of UBC Needs Feminism.
Many of them have already rejected
you on Tinder and you don't know
how much more ridicule you can
take.
But you're at your wits' end —
your Red Bull has grown lukewarm
and your tired eyes can no longer
focus on the profile picture of the
woman with whom you're debating
long enough to choose which of her
physical attributes is most easily
assailed.
If you're going to be asleep in
time to get a full eight hours' break
from the crushing weight of your
own superior intellect, memes are
your only hope.
The use of memes is to ending
an online argument what bringing
up a woman's sexual history is
to ruining her career — both
irrelevant and effective. As long
as your meme is as unnecessarily
inflammatory as it is off-topic,
there isn't a respectful and
productive discussion anywhere on
the interwebs that stands a chance. ED
KNOW MY MOM HATES FREE SPEECH
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I CALL HER A
TERRORIST, SHE LOOKS SAD
Ellen and BuzzFeed are just some early symptoms of being a terrorist.
Brandon from Accounting
Balance My Sheet
Dictionary.com defines a terrorist
as someone "who uses unlawful
violence and intimidation in
pursuit of political aims." My mom
repeatedly shakes me whenever my
alarm goes off and I don't wake up.
She would threaten to ground me
whenever I come home inebriated
and barely coherent. She says
she'd stop paying for my phone
if I kept using it to proposition
Alex Jones for sex. Does that not
constitute "unlawful violence and
intimidation"?
It broke my heart to have to call
her a terrorist to her face over and
over again for weeks on end, but
someone had to.
It's partially my fault — I should
have seen the signs. She's been
binge-watching Ellen. She's reading
BuzzFeed. She watched Moonlight
and Hidden Figures (but not
American Sniper).
If you ask me, my mom is
the real ISIS. She has hijacked
language and freedom of
expression in the vain pursuit of
"my personal safety and well-
being." Well I've had enough. From
now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Now if you'll excuse me, she is five
minutes late with my Hot Pockets. ED
The wall will include a little slot for SFU students to slip their personal profiles in.
SAUDER STUDENT SUGGESTS
BUILDING A WALL, MAKING
SFU PAY FOR IT
Dat Boi
You Know The One
The UBC community is in
crisis over the recent report by
RealCanadianNews.ru that there
are over 4,000 undocumented SFU
students studying on our esteemed
Point Grey campus. Students and
faculty have been defenseless in
mitigating the situation — until now.
"We're going to build a wall and
make SFU pay for it," said second-
year Sauder student Ronald Dump.
"We have far too many SFU
students here. They're taking all the
seats in Irving, they're taking our
Blue Chip Cookies, and they keep
filling up that damn Tim Hortons
line-up. They're not sending their
best."
Dump, who is running for
AMS President, repeatedly
stressed that building a wall
would be "terrific."
"We're already part of the way
there—we put up a wall every
year, but it's only ten metres
wide and everybody climbs
over it. It's a complete and utter
disaster! We need to build a
bigger one. It'll be great. And
on this wall there's gonna be a
door, and we'll say to these SFU
students, 'you can come in, but
you'll need to submit a personal
profile first.'"
When asked how UBC would
fund the wall if SFU refused to
pay for it, Dump shrugged and
suggested that UBC could probably
just raise tuition again. ED PAGE 6 APRIL 4, 2017
UBC NEEDS FEMINISM APPROVAL
ROCESS OPPRESSIVE, SAYS NAZI
"These feminists are completely opposed to any thought that challenges their own little bubble," said Kantz.
Taargus Taargus
Targeted Correspondent
The UBC Needs Feminism
Facebook group is facing criticism
from actual Nazi Joseph Kantz,
who says he is oppressed by its
approval process.
The group has only allowed
posts from approved submitters
since early 2017 after every
member's house was burned down
by thousands of men.
Kantz, a fourth-year engineer,
said the group was "scared of
facts" in a post on an online forum
dedicated to discussing why the
Holocaust didn't happen.
"These feminists are completely
opposed to any thought that
challenges their own little bubble,"
said Kantz, who exclusively reads
German military manuals produced
between 1939 to 1944, and manga.
Kantz, who goes by KILL_ALL_
IMMIGRANTS_88 on Reddit,
chided the group's moderators for
not keeping an open mind.
"I don't see why my rights
should be trampled just because
I don't agree with political
correctness," he said while
Googling "how to make big gun at
home for hurting lots of people at
once."
Breitbarf attempted to interview
UBCNF moderator Janice Snee in
her home, but it was quickly burned
down by 7,000 men. ED
"WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE NEGOTIATING
WITH TRUMP?" ASKS SAD, TINY MAN
It makes my skin crawl and penis shrink.
EVERY TIME THE TALON
PUBLISHES AN ARTICLE, I
FEEL LIKE LESS OF A MAN
Taargus Taargus
Still Targeted
Listen, I'm a confident, red-blooded
alpha male like you. I like hot dogs,
hamburgers and telling women
they should smile more.
So why on earth does it make
my skin crawl and my really big
huge penis feel shame whenever I
come across a new article from The
Talon?
For starters, they're definitely
trying to get under my skin. Just
look at their recent article, "An
Open Critique of Sophie Gregoire
Trudeau" — clearly an attempt to
make me feel small and defenseless.
A direct attack on my wiener.
Luckily, I know how to deal
with cultural marxists. A couple of
caps-locked comments, and I was
feelin' fine and not thinking about
my father anymore.
But that's not the only time The
Talon made me feel frightened,
confused and unsure of my
manhood.
Last week I saw a piece with a
trigger warning on it and I have to
say: "getting triggered" is just not
real. I was so upset when I saw
this, my bros had to spend hours
telling me my dong is super massive
and my dad is real proud of me,
wherever he is.
I can't stress this enough — I'm
pro-free speech. I think anyone
should be able to say whatever they
want. I just think it's important for
these whiny, triggered snowflakes to
understand how their words affect
people's feelings before they say
them. Is that so hard? ED
In his spare time, Kevin O'Deary takes a break from politics to be a naked mole rat.
Pisstain Weiner
Schlong Commentator
Conservative leadership candidate
and human naked mole rat Kevin
O'Deary recently did a talk at
Gallery 2.0 (because he is a real hip
guy who goes to student bars). The
scope of topics discussed was vast,
ranging from how good he is at
doing economy to how bad Justin
Trudeau is at doing economy.
"Listen, I can economy really,
really good. Have you seen
this Trudeau guy? He sucks at
economy," said O'Deary.
When asked about the fellow
who used to host The Celebrity
Apprentice, O'Deary was quick to
explain how successful he would
be in fostering a relationship with
him. "Who would you rather have
negotiating with Trump?" asked
the taut-mouthed, very small
man "I have so much experience
in business talking and Trudeau,
who is a child, does not," said the
unassuming, dead-eyed peanut
person, his little hands clenched
in fists.
The last question of the night
was related to O'Deary's views on
poverty, which are pretty much
what you'd expect.
"If you're too stupid to save
$35 for a loaf of bread, maybe you
deserve to be poor," he said. "I
wouldn't know because I am a very
big, rich, tall man who is doing
great." ED
G^23^-^>
<kcm^(^HM^cb6e£&
Southern  and  Sweet
C^^^^
...
Ask for them in your local
supermarket APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 7
SATAN IN THE LIVING ROOM: TV SHOWS
THAT ARE BRAINWASHING YOUR KIDS
Karen
•      Care Bears: There's no way
A Concerned Suburban Mother
this show isn't a metaphor
for the hippie communes of
Last Wednesday night, I decided to
the 1960s. I'm 99 per cent
take my children, Kaycelynn and
sure their "belly magic" is a
McGavyn, to see a film for some
metaphor for the streams of
clean family fun. What I didn't
acid the government put in
expect was a once family-friendly
our water system.
company such as Dinsey to be
•      Silence of the Lambs:
shoving the gay agenda down my
Full disclosure, I thought
children's throats. Immediately after
this movie was going
the films "gay moment," we left the
to be about sleeping-
theatre, drove to Bed Bath & Beyond
barnyard animals. But
to buy another "Live. Laugh. Love."
the cannibalism ended
sign for our bathroom and I sat my
up being the least of my
children down to watch Pawn Stars
worries. About half-way
to remove the moment from their
through, my son McGavyn
minds. But every channel we turned
turned to me and asked
to was showing some other liberal
said, "Mommy, are all men
propagandist bunch of malarky —
serial killers? How come
first Arthur, then The Magic School
the women get to be the
Bus... I was horrified. So I thought I'd
heroes while the men just
make a list for every parent to read so
sit around and eat people?"
they can protect their children from
I had to turn off the TV
hidden liberal mind worms.
and explain to him that just
•      A Bug's Life: A story of ants
because he's a man, doesn't
working together to make
mean he can't follow his
equal contributions for the
dreams.
greater good. What's that
•      The Lorax: Liberals may
smell? COMMUNISM.
be trying to win our respect
•      The Lion King: Simba
by modelling the Lorax
may appear to be a symbol
after a certain orange-haired
of the American Dream,
conservative icon. But
but he only gets to be king
don't be fooled, the Lorax
after being raised by two
is nothing but an evolution-
men! (don't pretend that
loving, global warming-
Timon and Pumbaa are just
believing, tree-hugging
"friends").
liberal sock-puppet. ED
Don't get me started on the Magic School Bus.
Have you been offended recently?
We deal with serious injuries due to:
Wrongful accusations        Dishonesty
Rude media coverage       Unfair treatment
Totally biased and fake news reports
SMITH & SON
snowflake        (President's
CERTIFIED
(President's^
▼ Choice PAGE 8 APRIL 4,2017
GOOD RECIPES FOR GOOD BOYS
Next time you're desperately grasping for the bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos beside your computer at 4 a.m. in a fit of cranky, underfed night
blindness, maybe take a second to a) reevaluate your life and b) try one of these delicious recipes!
CHICKEN TENDIES
• Preheat oven to 350°F
• Prepare bowl of panko bread crumbs,
bowl of beaten egg and chicken thighs
• Scream at your mother to make you
your tendies
LASAGNA
• Preheat oven to 300°F
• Grate cheese
• Scream at your mother to make you
lasagna
SPAGHETTI
• Get sauce out of the cupboard
• Fill pot with water
• Threaten to burn the house down if
your mother doesn't make you pasketti
HOT POCKETS
• Scream APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE9
THE MATRIARCHY MEANS
EARN HALF AS MOCH
TEACHING AS I DO ON PATREON
His Patreon account funds his collection of Ayn Rand body pillows.
Jordo Peblumson
"That" Professor
This year, despite the attacks and
slander from the matriarchy, I
have been able to triple my income
through Patreon. The free market
has been able to provide a much
greater compensation for my hard
work than any globalist government
system.
Educators who speak truth
are greatly undervalued in the
matriarchal system. Using Patreon, I
earn $323,328 per year. This provides
me sufficient funds for the steady
stream of Ayn Rand body pillows
which I need for personal reasons.
Meanwhile, the matriarchy
values the education I provide at
$161,636. If I were asked to subsist
solely on this paltry amount, I would
barely have enough for one Ayn Rand
body pillow, much less the ongoing-
construction of my underwater
libertarian dream civilization.
With this compensation
structure, the free market shows that
it truly appreciates truth more than
the oppressive matriarchy under
which all straight white men are
burdened by "facts" and "identities
other than my own." [TJ
'M BOYCO
RENAME
TING MERCANTE UNTIL THEY
PIZZAS IN ENGLISH
THEIR
Canadian values, Canadian pizza.
Sruthless
The Ruthless
I am a valued member of this
community — by which I mean
I sometimes walk my dog on
campus — and I will be boycotting
Mercante until they change their
discriminatory pizza-naming
practices.
As a Canadian, I should be
able to go and buy Canadian pizza
wherever I want without being-
made to feel like I cannot read. I
have had enough of that in French
class.
Tomorrow I will stand outside
the pizza place to caution the public
to be wary of the corruption of
Canadian values the place brings.
Have you heard some of
these names? "Pizza Bianca" —
they're turning young people into
cannibals!
My family arrived when we were
the minority. I hope that that I, and
any others that join my boycott,
can help protect UBC from losing-
contact with traditional Canadian
food.
If we aren't careful, our children
may grow up without hearing the
words "pepperoni pizza." [D
McGuire spent his Halloween screaming, "Look at me, look at me, my name is
Pedro and I am a gardener."
TRUMP NOT RACIST, SAYS MAN
WHOSE HALLOWEEN COSTUME
WAS "LAZY MEXICAN"
Soh Leberitarian
SohWhat?
Second-year engineer Mickey
McGuire defended US President
Donald Trump against allegations
of racism at a protest Thursday
afternoon.
"The guy's been criminally
misunderstood," said McGuire, a
19-year-old white man who went
as "Pedro the lazy Mexican" to his
frat's Halloween party last year.
Several protesters pointed
to Trump's immigration ban on
Muslim-majority countries, as
well as his rhetoric characterizing
Mexican immigrants as "rapists"
and "murderers."
McGuire, who spent the evening
of October 31 screaming, "Look at
me, look at me, my name is Pedro
and I am a gardener," said that
the media has mischaracterized
Trump.
"You can't trust The New York
Times anymore. I get most of my
information from Twitter profiles
with profile pictures of a cartoon
frog," he said.
McGuire promised to address
the issue further in his role as
his fraternity's race relations
coordinator. ED
Kiwi brand provided the darkest black.
LETTER: F00TL0CKER,
PLEASE REMOVE ME
FROM YOOR BLACKLIST
Pisstain Weiner
Resident Hotdog
I know that everyone has felt
that late October costume crunch
time. All the cool costumes have
been bought out and us last-
minuters are left to scramble. I
found myself at the shopping mall,
desperately looking for something
to accommodate my rail-thin
body type. I thought of the perfect
costume: a black guy! I can walk
around the party and make my
friends laugh with Kevin Hart
jokes all night long! (I have a black
friend, it's fine.)
So I went to my local Footlocker,
grabbed a few cans of shoe polish
and went to town. I found Kiwi
brand gave me the darkest black.
But before I had the chance to
outline my mouth, I was sternly
asked to leave over and over again.
Furthermore, I was banned from
every Footlocker in the world.
I'm writing this letter in an effort
to be removed from the Footlocker
blacklist as I am clearly the victim
here. I mean blackface hasn't really
been insensitive for like 70 years;
I think it's due for a comeback.
Footlocker, please. I need to buy a
new pair of New Balances. [D PAGE 10 APRIL 4, 2017
SAUDER STUDENTS: I AM NOT A SNAKE
—
1 IS*    ^ r                                                                          lv
.
i
jym
rrrrJr.*               1          1          ffk ■ M        .
'    ^3                  limbs                      t"—""     Mm
•
DR. DOOM
Grant was tackled down while washing himself in the men's bathroom.
HOMELESS FORESTRY STUDENT
EVICTED FROM IRVING
Barry Johnson
Aggressive Volunteer
In an outcome that surprised
nobody, Alan Grant, the smelly,
jobless hippy, was evicted from
Irving after multiple noise,
sanitation and safety complaints
were made by me and presumably
others as well.
Grant, who is a third-year
student in the faculty of forestry,
was forcibly removed from the
building after trying to wash
himself in the men's bathroom.
"What the hell? I'm washing
my hands," said Grant as he
was tackled to the ground by a
volunteer weekend campus safety
deputy (me).
Grant's acquaintances
admirably tried to cover for him.
"What? No, I live with Alan.
He was just studying there,"
said Hilary Brown. "Though he
was considering living in Pacific
Spirit for a bit. He's always liked
it in there. Says it's 'the real
classroom.'"
Grant was last seen hauling
the mangy poncho he probably
uses as a blanket and his tattered
NPRtote bags full of books out
of Irving as students and faculty
watched on. As he left, long hair
and beard swaying ominously,
he was overheard mumbling the
word "fascists" everytime I hit
him with my nightstick. ED
"I felt like it was my duty to add some diversity to the ballot
WHITE MAN HEROICALLY
STEPS IN TO SAVE STUDENTS
FROM HAVING TO CHOOSE
DETWEEN FOUR WHITE MEN
Joolia Charredmeat
Goes Great With Hummus
This morning, student Allen
Cairnholz officially entered the
presidential race, making this
year's Almost Matters Society
election one of the most thrilling
yet.
"The student body just wasn't
happy with our presidential
choices," said Cairnholz. "I felt
like it was my duty to add some
diversity to the ballot."
Students have the increasingly
difficult decision of who to cast
their vote for now that Cairnholz
is in the race.
"Wait — which one's Cairnholz
again?" said third-year student
Patricia Grey when asked who she
would vote for. "I honestly can't
tell them apart. They all have very
similar physical attributes."
Cairnholz promises to lay
down some concrete platform
points in the upcoming days in
order to win over student voters.
"It's really anybody's race at
this point, but I think I can run a
solid campaign," says Cairnholz.
Stay tuned for in-depth
coverage of which Chi Sigma frat
member will take VP Finance. E APRIL 4, 2017 PAGE 11
"Dr. Billingsley is my little prince," said Ismol.
"IT NEEDS SPACE TO
BREATHE," SAYS MAN
WITH EENSYTEENSY PENIS
Brandon From Accounting
Debits the Credits
We've all seen it. So-called
"feminists for equality" and
"body positivity supporters"
thoughtlessly shaming men
for taking up the space they so
desperately need.
But no one knows the pain of
being shamed more than Richard
Ismol.
Ismol, a 21-year old from
Coquitlam, has been featured in
no less than 20 "manspreading"
listicles in the span of five months.
"I can't help it. Dr. Billingsley needs
to breathe!" he said. Dr. Billingsley
is Richard's micropenis.
"Dr. Billingsley is my little
prince," said Ismol.
Ismol is asking for some
tolerance from the so-called
"tolerant left."
"Facts are facts, ladies — I
need to take up two or three
seats to let the goods hang, and
the elderly and disabled are just
going to have to live with that,"
he said.
After his interview with
Breitbarf, Ismol reportedly asked
a woman to move her stroller so
his "junk [could] air out." Q
"I just want to feel empowered like everyone else," said Scott Miller.
GRSJ FACES PRESSURE FROM
SCOTT, TIM TO ADD MENINIST
PERSPECTIVES CLASS
Xanax Noogiyen
Informed Student
A petition calling for the creation of
Gender, Race, Sexuality and Justice
(GRSJ) male-focused courses has
received 50 signatures from upset
19-year-olds.
"I find myself under-represented
in today's world as a straight white
man," said Scott Miller, the petition's
organizer. "I just want to feel
empowered like everyone else."
"We learn from texts written by
and for white men all through first
and second year, but they're reduced
in some upper-year courses to make
space for female writers," he said.
"We have a real glass ceiling here."
This effort is also part
of a greater push for equal
representation between men and
women at UBC. For instance, the
Nest has a Women's Centre, but
there is no space dedicated to the
advancement of men.
"I have to go on r/TheRedPill
or 4chan to talk about men's
rights," he said. "Once you wade
through all the shitposting and
n-words, you can actually learn
a lot there. I'm really woke now,
like Neo."
Moving forward, the petition
hopes to gain more support from
female students.
"I'm for real equality," said
Tina Te, a second-year student
and founder of the "Gurls against
Feminism" blog. "Plus I can vote
and work, so who needs feminism
anymore?" E3
MAN WITH POSTER OF VLADIMIR PUTIN ABOVE DORM
BED VALUES FREE SPEECH ABOVE ALL
"I'm building a 'Wonderwall'.
Barry Johnson
Gary's Cousin
Third-year philosophy major
Tim Joneson said he valued free
speech above all during his daily
livestreamed, self-funded internet
radio show broadcast from his
dorm room bed underneath
a poster of Russian President
Vladimir Putin.
"In this time of liberal
paranoia and censorship, free
speech is more important than
ever. If I call a woman the c-word
on social media, my whole life
could be ruined. Does that seem
okay to you? In Putin's Russia,
I feel like you could say almost
anything and it would be okay.
Whereas here, you'd probably just
vanish off the face of the Earth
for disagreeing with the leftist
snowflakes," said Joneson.
Joneson is the founder of the
UBC Free Speech Club and a vocal
presence in student activism.
"I just feel really attacked when
I attack other people," he said.
"They're always complaining about
not having safe spaces, but then
they won't let me have a safe space
from which I can attack their safe
spaces. How is that fair? People
who hate free speech should be
sent to Siberia." Q
THE UDYSSEY IS FAKE NEWS
method
looking fora hand to
ii had to help herself, and she
ituations are now finding
iongs."
ter: I'm Voting NO to
S because it doesn't
jally help Palestine
C replaces meal plan
xtions with one, more
ensive option
BDS will bring bigotry,
ence to UBC"
i to get into the Milan
VIEW OUR AF
The Ubyssey makes me stressed.
Error
As many of you know, the main
media outlet at UBC is run by
globalists. And like all liberal biased
media, The Ubissye, UBC's campus
newspaper, is guilty of publishing
fake news.
In response to a question asking-
how to keep the "spark" in a sad,
boring relationship, The Ubsyssy's
advice columnist offered the advice
"if you hate the pattern, break it"
and encouraged the desperate sad
person to try new things. This is
false advice. Never try anything
new in a relationship. You just have
to run that boring shit into the
ground until both of you are having
affairs with your secretaries and
haven't had sex with each other in
over three years. That's what real
love is.
As well, in a letter saying
that the new pool gave her a
rash, another writer claimed
that swimming is a great way to
reduce stress. False. Swimming is
not a great way to relieve stress.
Swimming is really stressful and
terrible, and you can't breathe
because of all the water. I don't
know how to swim.
As if this were not enough, The
Yubuhszyszy article about the bus
loop closing had a number of flaws.
First off, the article stated that
the closing of the bus loop would
affect major bus lines. As this does
not impact the number 14 bus,
however, it cannot be true, as this
is the bus I take and therefore the
only important one. The article
later stated that pedestrian routes
would be affected, something
which, again, is not true. Yes the
pedestrian routes are technically
closed, but that doesn't mean it
has to affect anyone. For example,
students wanting to save time can
do what I do when faced with a
construction detour by driving my
mom's Yaris straight on through.
For these reasons, I get my
campus news solely from UBC
Confessions, Squirrels of UBC and
my friend Steve who says Satan
Ohno's Twitter is run by lizard
people. □ PAGE 12 APRIL 4, 2017
LEAKED: THE GAY AGENDA
Breitbarf's Russian bureau hacked the UBC Pride servers to get the exclusive scoop.
Check In
Review Agenda
Action Item Check In
Committee Updates
Facilitation Team
Conflict, Care & Coordination
• Events Committee
• Social Justice & Action Committee
• Space & Services Squad
• Accountability & Learning Committee
• Communications & Media Team
• Outweek Committee
Power To Change Thing-
Reminders
Fill out reimbursements and put name on
Reimbursements how-to review
Think about committee appointments coming up in next month or so!
FACILITATOR NEEDED FOR ARO ANTICS
Upcoming Events
• outweek review meeting
• ace space and aro antics
• end of year event thing-
Consensus Matters
Reimbursements
Moving trans history forward conference funding-
Graphics edits
Sexual Assault Review thing-
Women's Day Panel thing (Equity Ambassadors)
Self-harm Support Group thing-
Addictions Network (POSTPONE: talk about this next week)
University of Tennessee thing (POSTPONE: talk about this next week)
Website people page
Hand signals poster
Ubyssey relationship (POSTPONE: talk about this next week)
Membership Levels Explanation
Consensus Matters Updates
• none
Events Review
Come to Outweek review meeting-
Bike night review
Weren't a ton of ppl there (3-4 bike ppl, 2 non-bike ppl)
Movie night
Open Space
Check Out
AMS* EVENTS
THE 10TH ANN UAL AMS
BltCK
RARTY)
Ted Nugent
Kid Rock
3 Doors Down
Radio City Rockettes
a selection of slam poetry from JOD VOIQllt

Cite

Citation Scheme:

        

Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics

Share

Embed

Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                        
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            src="{[{embed.src}]}"
                            data-item="{[{embed.item}]}"
                            data-collection="{[{embed.collection}]}"
                            data-metadata="{[{embed.showMetadata}]}"
                            data-width="{[{embed.width}]}"
                            async >
                            </script>
                            </div>
                        
                    
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:
http://iiif.library.ubc.ca/presentation/cdm.ubysseynews.1-0347584/manifest

Comment

Related Items