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The Ubyssey Apr 1, 2016

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Array ON THE COVER Apple iFhone700
Even better. Pinky promise.
We know, it looks exactly the same as your old phone, except it costs th
times more, but we promise you it will take the best selfies on this planet
with the new, revolutionary diamond HHHD retina display. Did we mention
that we now offer this phone in our new"unicorn rainbow"shade?
Worth. Sports Inundated
Important
6      12      16     20
BALLS OF FURY THE HITTYTHING        BROLYMPICS RACE-WALKING
Professional You know, the air Get the bro -down Not just for Point
dodgeball enthu- hockey... handle on the sickest frat Grey cougars
siasts burn rubber. thing. That hits. "sports." anymore.
April 1,2016
Volume 1232325, No. 3423423
Contents
4
Meaty Hunk Boys
6
Burning Rubber
11
Foosball Recap
12
Airhockey
16
Favourite Frat Boi
18
Procrasti Nation
20
Walking to Class
APRIL 1, 2016 | SPORTS INUNDATED I 3 GAMERS-.
THE   NEX
hunkPJ
$     «fc^
SVJV
****
BALL
w
\
K
•v
V
Ay Upgraded
By Eileen Dover
Look at this dreamboat.
Look at those gleaming
pecs, chocolate bar abs
and nimble fingers. No,
he doesn't do something
boring like professional
soccer or Olympic-level
swimming Baby, he's a
gamer — and he's gaming
his way into the nation's
pants. Studies done in
an extremely scientific
manner show that people
(aka, the writer of this
blurb and her multiple
personalities) find
gamers _infinitely_ more
attractive than bland
football "hunks." Is it
really difficult to see why?
Move over, hockey stars
— it's 2016 and it's the
gamers' turn as the apples
of our eyes.
Think about it. Do
you really want to
share your bed with
someone who derives
his self-confidence from
yelling really loudly and
throwing all 250 pounds
of himself wrapped in
stupid amounts of foam at
a very small ball? Or are
you better off with a guy
whose sleep schedule is
already aligned to all-
nighters, whose fingers
are trained to drive other
people crazy and who
knows just how to use his
analogue stick to the best
of its ability. So what are
you waiting for? Go search
out this beautiful man
on his home turf — in his
mother's basement — and
get gaming. o the cutthroat world of dodgeball. This is not what you played in elementary school,
e are ruthless, fierce and live on the tears of their victims. Balls, balls everywhere.  BURNING
RUBBER
By Edimalo Nayinalo
UBall is love. Ball
is life." This is the
mantra of dodge
ball professionals, the phrase
that has been whispered
over and over again under their breaths. Danny
"smashmouth" Banner.
Timmy "Crusher" Sail-
es. Tom "Artful Dodger"
Francis. They have all
been successful because
they realized that nothing else matters — not
friends, family nor the
concussions they got
from repeatedly getting
their heads bashed. All
that matters is dodge
ball.
They have something
else in common. A place.
Fort Goodman.
This is the place
where boys and girls become men and women.
Where the playground
becomes a battlefield.
Where friends give
friends headaches and
nosebleeds and where
coaches stand by watching as grown men shit
their pants.
At this dodge ball
boot camp there is no
discrimination. Everybody suffers.
"Here at Goodman,
we make sure that everybody has an equally
shitty time," said coach
Bradshaw "All the trainees are picked last for
an undisclosed team for
optimal demoralizing
effect. It's a really hard
time."
Apart from this exercise, the trainees also
run 16 kilometres for
cardio everyday, stumble   through   towering
obstacle courses and
lift 225 pounds to get in
shape. They also have
ranges for dodge ball
target practice with hyperactive children as
the targets.
But there are dangers associated with the
over-exertion brought
about by the coaches and their methods.
Last week, about 11 new
trainees died from being
hit in the head constantly with a dodge ball.
"We had a guy's head
pop like a pimple while
testing our new solid
metal balls. Me and the
boys laughed our asses off. I mean, what a
dinglebat right?" said
Bradshaw taking a sip
from his water-filled Ga-
torade bottle.
"You've got to take it
like a man, y'know"
Today, there was
much contention within the Canadian National Review Board for
Dodge Ball Athletics
about whether the actions ofthe instructors
and the camp were too
extreme and whether
stricter laws should be
put in place to protect
the athletes.
"You know I usually
turn my eye to all that
shit the   kids,   the
workouts, the human
suffering because,
in the world of sports,
you gotta to get ahead,"
said Rayford Mirman,
chair ofthe board. "But
that stuff with the basketball being used as a
dodge ball —that was
kinda messed up."
Others agree with
the instructor's tactics
and think it is necessary for the society
to produce lean mean
dodging machines.
"If you think these
guys are doing wrong,
well then, that's just like
your opinion man," said
creepy-high-school-
gym-teacher Elliot
Knutson. "Sure a few
people die every week
and we've been accused
of human rights abuses. But in the end, it is
all being done in the
pursuit of excellence."
8 I SPORTS INUNDATED I APRIL 1, 2016  ATTN: HORNY DADS
PLS ASSOCIATE THIS WOMAN WITH OUR GOLF CLUBS OR WHATEVER
V RECAP: MY DAD BEAT ME AT FOOSBALL AGAIN
ByZACHARYHAMMERSCHMIDT
David and Zachary Ham-
merschmidt squared off in
another intense foosball
match Tuesday night in front of
an audience of Diane Hammer-
the dumb little corner. Did it
go towards my guy a bit? Sorry.
What's the big deal, didn't you
score right after?" said David
Hammerschmidt.
schmidt
The game started with a bang
as David Hammerschmidt,
led a dedicated attack against
Zachary Hammerschmidt's defence. A flag was thrown when
the ball went into the corner
where no one could get it and
David Hammerschmidt poked
it loose more towards his own
team than into an agreeable
middle ground.
"I don't know what you want
me to say, Zach. It got stuck in
"HA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M DOING WITH THIS GAME.
WASN'T THAT FDNNY, DIANE?
It was in fact David Hammerschmidt who scored the opening
tally by spinning his kickers
over and over again, hoping for
the ball to fall into the vortex of
chaos he created. Like always, it
worked.
"Ha! Oh, that was a good one. I
don't know what I'm doing with
this game. Wasn't that funny,
Diane?" said David Hammerschmidt.
Diane Hammerschmidt agreed
that it was funny.
Flagrant cheating aside,
David Hammerschmidt
was up 1-0 at the juice and
cookies break. Everything
was delicious, thanks mom.
Shordy after the second
half began, another controversy
arose when a Zachary Hammerschmidt shot sprung up from the
table and hit David Hammerschmidt's arm, bouncing back
onto the field. Eschewing regulations and common decency,
David Hammerschmidt continued play as normal, forgoing
the traditional additional faceoff
after a ball exits and re-enters
play.
"Is that what we were supposed
to do? Sorry about that. Honey,
did you know we were supposed
to face off again?" said David
Hammerschmidt.
Diane Hammerschmidt was not
aware of this information.
Shordy thereafter, David Hammerschmidt netted his second
ofthe game through a lucky
bounce that totally shouldn't
have gone in. The table is slanted weird and it was not fair.
Despite multiple attempts,
Zachary Hammerschmidt was
unable to respond because
David Hammerschmidt kept
flicking his goalie back and
forth really fast and that's a
super cheap move.
This is the seventh time in a
row that he has beaten Zachary
Hammerschmidt.
David Hammerschmidt is currently under investigation by the
league for not knowing the rules
and being a douche.
APRIL 1, 2016 I SPORTS INUNDATED I 11 Ifyou want to stay inside but still be Canadian.
f fie %eate|t
Red Plastic Hitty Thingy Ever
By Koolbait Much cools
0^p( f^st heard
\^L   about it while
f? J I was watching
^Jr TV, my feet up
on the coffee table.
It was an infomercial
during the bubble
soccer world championships. I didn't pay
much attention to it
— it was an infomercial after all. Eut later
that night, after bubble soccer was over
and I had downed my
last beer and plate of
nachos, I was pulling
on my pajamas and it
was still stuck in my
head.
I wanted to know if
it really worked, if it
was really the greatest one ever built. I
wanted to know if the
science was real and if
I would be better off
if I used it.
So I pitched it to
my editor when I
showed up to work on
Monday. He said to do
whatever I wanted, so
I started digging.
First I watched the
infomercial 100 times.
Then I Googled it
for 30 minutes.
Then I went to its
website.
And bought one on
Amazon.
Then I started this
expose.
Is the Puckmas
ter 3000 XX the
greatest air hockey
red-hitting thingy of
all time? The infomercial claimed that
top physicists at
UBC worked on the
Puckmaster's design,
making it virtually
cut air particles in
half with its aerodynamic shape. The top
chemists brewed up
its super lightweight,
polycarbon-na-
121 SPORTS INUNDATED I APRIL 1,2016 no-x-ray material and
super-soft, form-fitting, memory Swedish
foam handle. Then,
the top Canadian canoe-makers carefully
hand drilled holes
to allow air to flow
though, creating tiny
jet engine-like shapes
to give every hit that
extra oomph. And, for
the finishing touch,
a warehouse full of
five-year-olds (because only they have
small enough hands)
painstakingly hand-
stitched the world's
finest velvet to the
bottom of the Puck-
master's body to give
it 100 per cent resis
tance free movement
on any air hockey
table ever, even if the
air is turned off.
When mine arrived
in the mail (it took
a whole half a hour,
gee Amazon is getting slow), I was so
excited to finally get
my hands on one. I
ripped the package
open so violently that
I shattered my new,
$5,000 Puckmaster. I
ordered another one
and paced around my
cubicle, wearing down
the ugly shag carpet
until my new red
hitting thingy arrived.
When it finally arrived, I very carefully
opened it up before
challenging my editor
to an air hockey battle to the death.
Usually we were
pretty evenly
matched, but today
was different. Today
I had a Puckmaster
3000XX. I demolished my editor,
winning five games
in a row. Since it was
an air hockey battle
to the death, I had to
inform my boss that
the editor was dead
and we would need a
new one, again.
Even after winning
five games in a row,
I was unconvinced
the Puckmaster was
actually the greatest
red-hitty thingy of
all time. Maybe I was
just experiencing a
placebo effect and
it was all false confidence. I called up
my good friend and
three-time air hockey world champion
Hockey McHockey
to see what he had to
say about the Puckmaster.
Saskatchewan, to see
where the Puckmaster was made and to
meet with its inventor
Capi Talist
"It's state-of-the-
art, top-secret, military-grade technology," said Talist.
I wasn't buying it
yet. Then he handed
me the new Puckmaster Ultimate
5,000,000 which
literally binds to
"I was
unconvinced
the Puckmaster
was actually the
greatest red-hitty
thingy of all time."
"I've been using the
Puckmaster for a year
now," said McHockey.
"They pay me to use
it, so I use it. I was
winning before and
I'm still winning now,
so it's a great red-hitty thing."
The next day I
got on a flight to the
great white northern
hockey capital of the
world — Moose Jaw,
your hand so you can
never take it off — I
felt unstoppable. I
was faster, lighter and
harder hitting than
ever before. I hit every puck, saved every
shot and felt great
doing it. The Ultimate
5,000,000 is the best
red-hitty air hockey
thingy ever made —
until you try and take
a leak.
APRIL 1, 2016 I SPORTS INUNDATED I 13 MUU"
EVERYONE
CONTENT RATED BY  SCORECARD
BROLYMPIANS:
WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE BRO?
"PLAYER" OF THE YEAR AT A GLANCE     W^
By Mick "Muffin" Donald jk
PERSONAL
MOTTO
Live to eat,
on'teattolive.
Gains brah...
they are all you
need in this
life."
If you am t
benchin'225for
15 ...well, that's
just weird man."
If at first you
don't succeed,
let dad do it."
Diversity is
important... it
shouldn'tjust
be beer."
SHAKATHON
BENCHATHON
How many 30-
How many reps
gram protein
of 225 can be
shakes can be
done in one
drunkinone
minute.
minute.
SQUATATHON
How many
squats of 25
can be done in
one minute
FLIPCUP
How many
ml cups
CHUGATHON
How many
300 ml glasses
can you finish in      of beer can one
30 seconds?
drinkina
minute.
RECORD
16 I SPORTS INUNDATED I APRIL I 2016 4.
Z-Lii£58 00112'
WHY SHOULD
Chad Bros-
Chet "Bro"
Brad Broback
Brett brotrek
Topherthe"bro"
tone believes
Broadbeck be
likes beer pong
believes in
Brosinski is a
THIS GUY
in Im, and so
lieves in upper
and likes it for
equality, and
veteran. "I've
BE YOUR
he tl Neves in
body strength.
a very specific
that's why he
been a pie my
gains. "1 started
"Fuck the legs,"
reason. "It's
participates
whole life. 1 love
FAVOURITE
training for
said Chet on
easy," said
only in Flipcup.
it," said "the
theShakathon
squats. "The
Brad, an avid
"1 like the fact
bro," who turns
BRO?
when 1 first
chest is a bro's
beer pong play
that there are
27 in August. "1
rushed," said
showpiece,
er. "See, to me,
different drinks,
love it so much
Chad. "It's been
you know what
it's the ultimate
you know what
that even now
^gfl£
a dream of mine
I'msayin'? It's
bro sport. It's a
I'msayin'? said
when 1 should
^^p^^-^
ever since 1
the sculpture.
win-win man,
Brett. "Mike the
have graduated
was a little kid
It's what gets
you know what
fact that there's
five years ago,
to take part
us all kinds of
I'm saying? You
like equality and
I'm still here be
in this sport.
honeys, and so
win the game
shit. 1 spent so
ing like, "1 want
Most kids'
it's hardly sur
and get your
much of my life
me some beer."
parents gave
prising that I'm
opponent to
at rallies and
That's all there
'em veggies
the best at this
drink and ifyou
protests for the
is to it, really. 1
and shit. My
competition. If
lose... You still
sake of wine
like beer, so my
parents gave
you ain't bench
drink. There's
rights and cider
taking part in
me protein. All
ing 225 forl5...
no pressure. If
rights. Ciders
thechugathlon
kinds, all kinds
Well, that weird
at first you don't
have alcohol
is a no-brainer."
of protein."
man."
succeed, fuck
it."
too!"
APRIL 1, 2016 I SPORTS INUNDATED I 17 ^■1
^^H
■
«^T:
^1
^M
You think doing nothing is easy? Think sitting around watching Netflix while constantly under the pressure of being
unproductive and thinking about doing the things you're supposed to be doing is fun? Being a pro-crastinator re-
guires a monumental amount of laziness, self-denial and Redbulls. THE
SECRET
(not the Krabby Patty)
By VASELINE SHARSLKDJWE
Photograph by BEN OLDBYSSEY
GET LAZY OVER SUMMER: STANLEY ON HOWTO START AN
EFFECTIVE PROCRASTINATION ROUTINE.
As the summer
approaches,
many students
resolve not
to work out for that
dreamed-of bikini body
or the abs that turn
heads on the beach.
They make plans to lay
in bed and binge TV
shows and many do so
successfully for a few
days. However, self-consciousness and ego often
throw students off track.
By June, they'll be in
the gym for hours each
day, having forgotten all
about their summer resolutions. To learn more
about how to avoid all
motivation to move, we
interviewed Jeff Stanley,
a campus procrastina-
tor from the Faculty of
Land and Food Systems,
so he could shed some
EMBRACE
YOUR
UNTAMEABLE
STENCH
light on how to start and
maintain a successful
sloth regimen.
Q: What are your top
three tips for people
looking to laze around?
First tip's to have all
your necessities at arm's
length. That means your
bags of gummy bears,
Nutellajars and your
Cheetos piled up around
your bed so you don't
have to get up to snack.
Prepare for procrastinating by building yourself a stash of beer and
Coke Zero to last you
weeks. Remember that
staying hydrated doesn't
just involve drinking
I recommend investing in some quality eye
drops because you'll
need them after 15
straight hours of Netflix.
My second tip's
got to do with going
out in public. Ideally,
you won't need to do
that often. But when
you start running low
on supplies, desperate
times call for desperate
measures. Now many
novice procrastinators
still question whether
the public can tell they
haven't showered in
over a week or they get
nervous when bystanders stare at their bushy,
patchy beards. But if
you're committed to
going all the way in becoming a pro-crastina-
tor, you've got to let that
go! Embrace your un-
tameable stench, your
wild locks of body hair
and the sweat marks on
your baggy shirts. Only
then can you stop holding yourself back from
success.
Tip number
three? Pot brownies.
Q: Some people procrastinate alone, others
do it in a team of fellow
slackers. What works
better for you?
The only company
I keep is a group of
kids in playing on my
League of Legends
team, otherwise I
procrastinate solo.
Q: Essential to procrastinating is the
environment — it's got
to set the right mood
for idleness. What are
some features of your
procrastinating space?
You're right there. My
dorm room arrangement includes dirty
dishes and coffee mugs,
scattered socks in all
corners ofthe floor
and pizza crusts overflowing from the trash.
I generally find a nice
thick, musty smell adds
to the de-motivation
needed to laze around
like a pro. I recommend
cracking the window
open only when you
start nearing suffocation. Otherwise blinds
down, keep the sunlight out. When you're
falling asleep at 5 a.m.
and waking up at 3 p.m.,
you don't want to be
reminded ofthe outside
world's rhythm.
APRIL 1, 2016 | SPORTS INUNDATED I 19 I
i
SPEED WALKING GEAR
i
HOMEWORK
This is kind of important
Kind of. D
**v'*Mfe'
SWEATER
Wearing a sweater over your t-shlrTmakes it look lik<
you kind of tried. But you didn't really. Effortless and
better than whatever Pinterest is going to tell you.
>
)
%
i1* &
EARBUDS AND SOME SORT OF MUSIC DEVICE
Perfect for ignoring people but at the same time not hurting
their feelings because "you can't hear them." Bonus: will help
you cut down your time by 5 minutes. 10 minutes if you'n
listening to Eye of the Tiger.
H&
i
GRANOLABAR
To fuel your journey or prevent a growling
stomach during class. Also saves time if you've'
skipped breakfast. Welcome to the relentless work
of speed walking to your next
class. In this dog-eats-dog world
doping methods such as Redbull
and Starbucks consumption
are the norm, upping the stakes
" le grand price of that seat
kind of in the front where
fessor can see me but not
exactly in the front-front. ALL DAY i
I
A
One out of every one Kitsilano yuppies experience degenerative avocado addiction in their lifetime.
If you or a loved one are affected, remember that you are not alone. Call 1-800-JERICHO for support.

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