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The Ubyssey Dec 8, 2015

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Array CHRISTMUKKAH
€he W>p$t#
PREDICTING
THE FUTURE
EDITION
© 1950 by The Ubyssey Publications Society
VOLUME XCVII - ISSUE XIV
DECEMBER 8,1950
ONE CENT
THE FUTURE
OF UBC
STUDENTS OF 1950 PREDICT 2015
UBC
Goes
Nuclear
Piperbot orders
elimination of the
competition
Max Justice
Head Bitch in Charge
In an effort to establish UBC as a leading
intergalactic academic institution, UBC
has proposed plans for the complete nuclear annihilation of the competition.
This announcement comes after much
deliberation of how UBC can justly and
effectively advance its worldwide reputation. According to UBC Probot AG-Redin-
ator, nuclear annihilation is the most
reasonable way to achieve this
"Here at UBC we have a strong grand
ambition to become the greatest university in the galaxy," said UBC Probot
A.G. Redinator. "However since we don't
exactly know how to achieve that, we
thought it would just be easier to nuke
everybody else."
The announcement has come under
much criticism from students who feel
that the plan is just another example of
UBC showing its true colours as a nuke-
happy university. Nonetheless Redinator
stands by her decision, citing nuclear
annihilation as the most effective method
to gain power.
"After McGill and Western were nuked
by Switzerland, our intergalactic reputation shot up by a staggering two points. A
degree from UBC is becoming a valuable
degree to have, and soon it'll be the only
one to have."
Although UBC does not know which
universities will be nuked or which
universities are ranked higher or lower,
presidroid MT-Piperbot insists the university knows what it's doing.
"If you love how efficient we are at
creating buildings, you'll love our skills at
destroying them," she said.
The AMS has officially denounced the
notion, calling it another example of the
Board of Androids malfunctioning. 'O
Ponderosa teleporter malfunctions for third time this
year - students accidentally transported to Belize
Matches Maloney
Overseer
For the third time this year, the Ponderosa
Residence Teleportation device was affected
by a significant glitch within its system. As
with the previous two incidents, students
going to their classes were instead transported to random locations across the world.
This time, a handful of engineering students
were mistakenly sent to the coastal Central-American state of Belize.
This third occurrence was considerably
less severe than the previous malfunctions.
This past March, a psychology student
found themselves teleported to the Soviet
capital of Moscow - an accident that
sparked a huge international incident.
Later in June, an incident happened again
when two Kinesiology students found themselves in the University of Victoria rather
than their usual lecture hall. The pair was
nearly killed after being chased by an angry
lynch mob of disgruntled Vikes fans.
Despite the magnitude of this recent
gaffe, the group has no complaints for their
current predicament. Among them is Uma-
taro Tezuka, who claims that the accident
was just what they needed.
"Just last week we were holed up in the
library studying for finals. Now we are here,
lying on the beach getting tans and sipping
on mimosa," said Tezuka via video-communicator. "Sure, we still have to work on it
eventually but right now we feel like a million
bucks."
Professor Caroline Affleck, a physicist in
the Faculty of Science, does not share this
relief of a more casual consequence. For her,
teleportation is never something taken lightly
especially in light of the previous glitches.
"If we keep neglecting this problem,
there's a good chance that next time, some-
PHOTORIPTURD/THE UBYSSEY
one is going to end up in their class while
their buttocks ends up in Tibet," Affleck
warned. "Even after two decades of using it,
teleporting is still a highly volatile technology. I'm absolutely confounded as to why the
university administration does not take this
more seriously."
Like the previous incidents, both the UBC
Board of Governors and Residence Services
ensured in a press release that steps will
be taken to increase the safety measures
with the teleporters. However, both still
declined to comment what upgrades will be
implemented, as well as what is causing the
malfunctions in the first place.
Jacqueline Suresh, one of the engineers
transported to Belize, noticed there was
something unusual prior to her teleportation.
"I started hearing 'whispers' at the start
of the jump - pretty chilling ones," Suresh
said. "They were coming from nowhere. I
thought it was one of the guys, but nobody
knew what I was talking about when we got
to Belize."'JJ
Students relieved construction has finally begun
Dave The T-Rex
Copius Editorex/Doomsayer
After much protest and trekking,
students are rejoicing after
construction has finally broke
ground at UBC. With so much
space to develop and so many
possibilities, students can only
speculate as to what is in store for
their campus.
"I'm so excited! From just the
sight of the yellow fences, I am
reminded how lucky we really
are," said Curly Sinclair, third-year
biology student. "The cranes
are a nice addition to campus, I
wouldn't mind more of them."
One of the first buildings
close to completion is the E.X.
Pensive building. Design plans
include inflatable infrastructure
for earthquake safety and stress
relief for students as they bounce
around the building.
There have been numerous
reports of noise disturbing the
quiet environment necessary for
students to study and succeed, but
students have happily adapted by
wearing complementary super
sonic ear buds provided by the
university.
While it is sometimes hard to
hear the robot teachers lecturing
over the noise, the university
administration announced they
will be adjusting their volume
settings indefinitely until the noise
has subsided. No reports as to
when they might be.
The UBC administration hasn't
disclosed exactly what they are
building at this point in time, but
the atmosphere around campus
promises that it will be exciting.
The engineers are theorizing
the possibility of teleportation
between classes to save precious
seconds of teaching instruction.
Rumours of upgrading the
C18 and C20 routes to hover-
bus technology is also highly
anticipated.
"It's just so lovely to walk
around the it on my way to classes
every morning. We could all use
the exercise," said Sinclair. "In
fact, I hope construction never
stops!" fH DECEMBER 8,1950 |NEWS | EDITORS DIRK BENCHPRESS AND QUEEN BEY
DEAN'S
Fine Foods
MOON ROCK INFUSED^
MEATLOAF WITH A HINT
OF BEEF FLAVOURING \
10th & Sasamat        1
ALma 2596 Y
^he ^bij^eij
EDITORIAL
Coordinating Editor
Killiam Shakespeare
Fine Arts Editor
Acornus Baconatorus
News Editors
Dirk Benchpress &
Queen Bey
Culture Editor
Drew P. Balls
Sports + Rec Editor
Supreme Knowitall
Film Producer
Bae
Photography Director
Tripp
Opinions Editor
Dick Rumpus
Features Editor
ChinPecsome
Copy Editor
Dave the T-Rex
Web Editor
Hackerman
STAFF
Night Danger, Moonrock
Livingston, Dick Rumpus,
Spanky Gazpacho, Smoke
McCloud, Stank Diply, Dieter
von Dieter, Brash Tangerine,
King Jibbs, Tank Ontario,
Max Power, Max Justice,
Justice Max, Justic Power,
Justice Justice, Chin Pecsome,
Rip Turd, Speed Treason,
Father Justice, Bus Kickton,
Lieutenant Rage, Bootstrap
Killionaire, Chomp Gravel,
Capital Iron, Liberty Steel,
Killiam Shakespeare, Furious
George, Dirk Benchpress,
Doctor Protection, Brango
Tarangus, Truck
BUSINESS
Business Manager
King Pibbs
Ad Sales
Dieter von Dieter
Accounts
Spanky Gazpacho
CONTACT
Editorial Office:
SUB 2208
604.822.2301
Business Office:
SUB 2209
ADVERTISING
604.822.2301
INQUIRIES
604.822.2301
The Old, Old Student
Union Building 6133
University Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T1Z1
Messenger Bird: @ubyssey
JOIN UBCS
FINEST
AT
THE UBYSSEY
UBC Board proposes kidneys as
alternative to tuition payment
Dirk Benchpress
News Editor
The UBC board of cyborg governors
has just approved a motion to allow
international students to donate a
kidney in lieu of traditional tuition
payments.
The motion "will motivate our
excellence to be so much more
excellent than the excellence we've
already achieved. How are you?
I'm excellent," said UBC President
Arvind Gupta, stirring a large
cauldron.
The decision did come after a
protest against tuition hikes saw
one student joking that he would
rather donate his kidneys than pay
the increasing student fees. The
student was promptly hauled away
in a burlap sack by a group of men
in black trench coats.
According to the provost, the
decision was based on comparing
tuition payment methods
for unrelated and dissimilar
institutions, including those in
the United States, Europe, Turkey,
Chile, this one village in Russia
and a small fishing village in
Singapore.
The consultation process will
not look at whether this motion is
feasible, but which organs will be
selected for donation. "We could
be persuaded to accept livers and
bone marrow as well," said Gupta
PHOTO STANK DIPLY/THE UBYSSEY
from behind several stalagmites.
"We would make that sacrifice for
our students - who are excellent."
The AMS issued a statement
today that they oppose the motion
and will not rest until at least three
cardboard signs are made.
"We need a range of
perspectives in classrooms, and
taking student's kidneys is not the
way to do it," said AMS President
Baron Aailey.
According to students, this
decision would not be easy to
swallow if the kidneys were going
to legitimate research purposes.
However, they feel that the board's
current plan of feedingthe kidneys
to snakes is unproductive. 'JJ
UBCO turned into Nuclear Wasteland
Matches Maloney
Overseer
As of 4 a.m. yesterday morning,
UBC Okanagan was reduced
to a nuclear wasteland after an
unknown experiment had gone
awry within one of its Science
buildings. This led to the entire
campus being leveled by a 2
kilometer nuclear explosion.
Fortunately, due to the collective
efforts of staff, the RCMP and a
battalion of robot soldiers from
a nearby military base, the entire
campus was successfully evacuated
30 minutes prior to the explosion.
Authorities remarked that the
exuberant amount of on-campus,
high-tech radiation alarms and
teleportation platforms greatly
contributed in saving lives.
Despite the magnitude of the
incident, a majority of Kelowna
residents were largely oblivious
to the crisis. This was even more
so in terms of UBCO's overall
existence in general.
PHOTO BUS KICKTON/THE UBYSSEY
"I wasn't even aware it was
an actual campus," said local
waitress Evangeline Lily. "I
thought the entire place was
just nuclear testing site. I assumed
the buildings were just there for
simulation purposes."
The details behind the
experiment and related personnel
are currently being withheld
by UBCs Board of Governors.
However, rumors are swirling that
not even they were aware of the
campus's existence. 'JJ TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1950 I NEWS   I 3
ARVIND2-D2 LAST SEEN PETTING
TAMED CAMPUS SQUIRRELS.
IF FOUND PLEASE CALL
HSU, 866-740^4531
^™^.
LOST
Pros and cons of turning
your brain into a computer
Randy Andy
Definitely not a computer
As we continue to witness the
upward climb of computers
becoming an increasingly ubiquitous
staple in our homes, some of
us ponder the consequences of
allowing this craze to spiral out of
control. Some claim that scientific
investigations are under way
to determine how humans can
program their brains to function like
modern-day computers, but the vast
majority of us remain wary of any
form of artificial intelligence - and
not without reason. After careful
thought, here are some pros and
cons of turning your brain into a
computer:
Pros:
•The dulcet tones of the dial-up
sound when waking up.
•Time, effort and awkwardness
saved recalling acquaintances' names
by searching across your extensive
name library.
•Friday night's hazy memories
can be optimized with sophisticated
image and video editing capabilities.
Or wiped clean off your disk drive.
•Would give computer science
grads the venue they need to earn
some cash.
•Could provide the opportunity
to duplicate a potentially infinite
number of mini clones of yourself,
which can be deployed to cook, clean
and do laundry.
•Goingto happen at some point
anyways, so why resist it?
Cons:
• Periodic brain maintenance
and upgrades costs would likely
exceed monthly rent, especially with
computer obsolescence rates.
CAREER OPPORTUNITIES
for
SCIENTISTS and ENGINEERS
with the
Alien  Defence  Board
• Join a vital, growing research and development
organization!
• Cannda's defence research program offers graduates at the bachelor's, master's, and doctor's level
interesting full-time positions with ample oppor*
Utility for advancement.
REPRESENTATIVES OF THE BOARD
WILL BE AT YOUR UNIVERSITY ON:
January 10 to 14, ind.
If you era interested in dUeuiiing employment with them,
obtain an application form frqm your university placement
officer. When completed, the foimt should be returned to
the placement officer who will then arrange an Interview
for you with our representatives.
UIME IN ANli LET IS TELE YOU ABOUT
all the probing we do.
• The sheer weight of your
25-pound head would be enough to
keep you from boarding commercial
aircraft.
• Multi-tasking may lead to
cognitive overload, overheating and
possible shutdown.
• Hundreds of password-locked
brain compartments might make
simple daily tasks more arduous than
they need to be.
• Headaches, migraines and
hangovers would be experienced
either as viruses eating away at your
brain or sudden crashes.
• Possible realization of Orwellian
dystopia, as the government might
be able to hack into citizens' private
thoughts.
• May impede communication
with anyone over the age of 80.
• Unfair additional fees to
process multiple languages for the
multilingual. ^
Last gram of
marijuana
in existence
destroyed
Frasher Valley
Geographical Location
Yesterday UBC was home
to possibly one of the most
significant achievements of the
21st century: the last gram of
marijuana in the world was found
and subsequently obliterated.
The contraband was found
in the pocket of a third year
student attending the university.
According to sources, the young
man walked into a bank inquiring
where he could find the nearest
'McDonalds,' but the police were
called when staff noticed he was
"way too calm and happy." The
young man was put to death this
morning by way of electric chair.
Officer Jenkem, the official
responsible for finding the final
trace of 'reefer,' claimed "I did
it for my country, I did it for my
city and I did it for the children."
Canadian Prime Minister
WLM-KINGBOT banned the
existence of the 'potent and
dangerous' drug cannabis with
the passing of the Mary Jane Bill
in 1978. The bill was proposed in
response to an unsettling lack of
violence throughout the country,
with public outcry from police
officers furious that their job was
becoming unnecessary. Countries
all around the world soon followed
in Canada's footsteps until the drug
was no more.
"It got to a point where the only
thing we were arresting people
for was marijuana related — it was
just ridiculous," said the chief of
the Vancouver Police Department.
"Ever since the drug has been
banned, we've been seeing an
increasing amount of shootings
and violent crimes, which is just
phenomenal."
"I'm just so happy that the devils
lettuce has finally been eradicated,"
said a relieved mother of three.
"I own a gun store and weed was
making everybody way too peaceful
and killing my sales." '31
Arvind2-D2
escapes with
secret plans
Dirty Drake
Staff Bitch
Former UBC President Arvind2-D2
has escaped from a UBC spaceship
with secret university information,
sources confirmed.
Very little is known about
Arvind2's escape or why he
resigned. It is rumoured that he was
given secret information regarding
UBC construction before evacuating
the ship.
"It is of upmost priority that
we find this droid," said interim
president Darth Piper. "If the UBC
Empire is to become the supreme
university of the galaxy, we must
crush all forces who dare hinder our
mission."
Lord Piper subsequently
ordered detachments to search the
University of Tatooine, a nearby
planet with a lot of weird sand
people on it.
In recent years UBC has been
in development of the Death
Campus, a new first year residence
base which can also function as a
superweapon. The highlight of the
base is a superlaser designed by the
Board of Governors that can destroy
planets, the Montreal Carabins,
Meek Mill's career and a student's
financial security with a single
shot.
The Death Campus is UBCs
latest example of the "campus as
a living lab," where researchers
will examine how a first-year
university residence can be
sustainable while simultaneously
functioning as a superweapon
when required.
Although the project is almost
complete, construction is still taking
place in a minor trench on the
outside of the base due to delays.
UBC is also searching for
missing droid C3PmontalbanO, who
may or may not be travelling with
Arvind2.tl
Allegations of
Communism in
Sauder
Tank Ontario
Contributor
John Robertson and Rodney
Smith, two students in the
Sauder School of Business, have
recently been accused of holding
Communist sympathies.
Suspicions against the
pair were aroused at a Sauder
event last week. The two were
discovered in a corner discussing
Medicare over coffee, rather
than competing in the faculty's
bi-weekly Greco-Roman-style
wrestling competition. In a later
investigation, it was found that,
as children, both Robertson and
Smith were pen pals with students
in a Stalingrad elementary school.
In light of the school's new
"Two Strikes You're Out" policy,
the pair now face expulsion.
During a recent press
conference, Sauder spokesperson
Henry Ford confirmed the
allegations and expressed sincere
regret at the students' actions.
"These behaviours are
unbecoming of our institution, and
of capitalism as a whole," he said.
Ford, who was recently
appointed Acting Dean after
being thawed from his cryogenic
chamber at Johns Hopkins
University, is taking these
allegations very seriously.
"This discovery speaks to the
importance of ongoing vigilance
within the UBC community," he
said.
"It's up to all of us to unite
against the spread of Communism
at home and abroad."
Prior to these allegations
surfacing, both students were
known as pillars of the Sauder
community. Smith, captain of
the rowing team and last year's
Homecoming King, recently
proposed to his fiance, Bipsy
Corcoran, and was vocal about his
plans to purchase a home in the
nearby suburbs.
Robertson was instrumental
in last year's phone booth stuffing
competition against McGill
University and was an active
member of the UBC Branch of
Young Republicans for Cigarettes
and Starched Collars.
Aside from their
extracurricular accomplishments,
Robertson and Smith were
exemplary students. The two
met in a resource and supply
management course this past fall,
in which both received B pluses.
Despite the pair's well-
scrubbed appearance, some
classmates have come forward
saying that they'd long been
suspicious of the two. An
anonymous source has stated that
Robertson was once observed
wearing a red sweater vest to class
— red, the colour of Communism.
"I should have known he was up
to no good," said Jimmy Johnson, a
second-year marketing major and a
former classmate of Robertson.
In addition to their expulsion
from the university, the two
may face jail time, as well as
blacklisting from professional
networks. Although both were
slated to work for the Johns-
Manville Asbestos Co. upon
graduation, their offers have now
been rescinded.
Though harsh, Ford agrees
that these sanctions are
necessary to set an example for
future students.
"These experimental hijinx
may be acceptable in Forestry or
Arts, but are intolerable in our
young business leaders," he said.
"It's incidents like this
that make me nervous for the
future of the Canadian asbestos
industry." 1 DECEMBER 8,1950 |CULTURE | EDITOR DREW P. BALLS
Review:
Citizen
Kane 12
Smoke McCloud
Staff Writer
Orson Wells is back and bigger
than ever in the 11th RKO produced
sequel to the 1941 classic film, which
triumphantly restores the series to
the high standards we've come to
expect from the director and studio.
At the same time, it also adds a few
twists to make it perhaps the best
movie of the year, or dare I say it, the
century.
Following in the footsteps of last
year's lukewarm, Citizen Kane 11;
The Age of Xanadu (the first film
in the series following its merging
with the Marvel Cinematic Universe
last summer) critics and audience
members feared that, should this
fail, CK 12 would spell the end of a
once lauded franchise.
All fears were put to rest when,
in the opening scene, Kane, AKA
"The Paper Man", engaged in a
white-knuckle fight with Iron Man,
destroying most of Kane's home
in the process. Cheers rung out
from the audience as Iron Man was
hurled through Kane's bedroom,
destroying his prized collection of
snow globes in the process. The
rivalry between the characters was
one of the defining moments of the
film, helped in large part by Wells
superb acting, which is already
generating Oscar buzz. '31
Art review: A blank piece
of canvas is the greatest
postmodern masterpiece
of all time
Drew P. Balls
Culture Editor
The AMS Ed Wood Art Gallery's
newest procurement has been
received with much praise from
patrons.
"The imagery in the extreme
whiteness of the canvas is awe-
inspiring,"   said   Martin   John,   a
fourth year art history major who
was visiting the gallery.
The canvas, a 5x5 inch square
is, as viewers are celebrating, a
postmodern masterpiece.
"Most paintings are full of
variety, subtleties and diversity,"
John continued. "This has nothing
- which gives it so much more
meaning."
The dull, white square has
provoked debate, controversy and
outrage. Art fanatics were lining
up outside the gallery for several
hours before it opened for the
evening reception for the chance
to be the first to broadcast their
post-viewing analysis of the
masterpiece. How can we classify
this? Is it modernism, heritage or
something even newer?
If Modernism no longer fits,
for art or society, then why?
Does it survive only as "zombie
formalism," with all styles
available at once? If it is dead,
then who had means, motive, and
opportunity? The deed must have
taken place during a struggle. And
Postmodernism is still struggling
over the heritage of Modernism
- only the more it struggles, the
more it helps keeps Modernism
alive.
The race is now on for viewers
to find the most profound
explanation for the work. Perhaps
too profound for our current
knowledge, this postmodern
masterpiece is an institution, a
cutting edge, avant-garde promise
of a remade society, a credit to the
creative individual. It is an ironic
self-reflection, calling to mind
struggling masses and urban
streets. It is an explosion onto
the Canadian scene of power
and creativity. The anonymity
of painter, audience and painting
make this work the most important
postmodern masterpiece since
Jackson Pollock crossdressing as
The Moon Woman. 1
Robot choir
graces UBC
The Soph
Staff Writer
The classic musical "2000,"
originally written and performed
on Broadway, is getting a revival
at UBC this winter. The reboot
is causing outrage among many
though, as it is staying true to the
original's roots by featuring an
all-robot cast.
"2000," originally written and
performed in 1990, was the first
musical to feature a cast using
only androids as a response to
the discrimination that they
faced at the time and the lack
of opportunity for robot actors.
However, many are saying that
this casting in modern times is
unacceptable.
"It is discrimination," said
Edilia Solari, a prominent
contributor to the Universe-wide
Mass Communication System
(UMCS). "If the play has an
all-human cast you would never
hear the end of it but an all-droid
cast is ok?"
Other think that the play
has no place in today's society,
where the lines between robot
and human are becoming more
blurred.
"Robots and humans are one
in the same to me," said Alden
Cho. "I mean, I have a ton of
robot friends but I don't think
of us as different. Even my girlfriend is half droid! I just think
that plays like these draw lines
between us."
Those within both the robot
and theatre communities are
overwhelmingly supportive of the
musical's casting choices.
"It's really about
representation," said Lynna
Tindal, prominent theatre critic
and robot. "Although robots can
now get parts in other plays, they
are still cast in smaller numbers
and often portray stereotypes.
This play belongs to the robot
community." '21
Fashion forecast
TintinWasabi
Contributor
Fashion analysts claim that the
hideously unflattering oversized
denim culottes you purchased this
summer at Forever 2001: A Space
Boutique will be fashionable again
within the next thirty years.
"It's truly relieving to know
that whatever fashion mistakes I
made in the early 00's will be cool
again in the next decade or so," said
analyst Caitlin Waters. "I'm saving
up my velour cargo pants and argyle
pullovers for their revival in 2025."
She strongly advises against
boxing up any garments you
"literally never wear" as a financial
precaution against purchasing them
again in your late-thirties.
Although many items from
the early 2010's such as platform
sneakers and studded jackets are
seeing their demise early, Waters
suggests that instead of donating
these items to a worthy charity,
people should be keeping them in a
closet for any future children to wear
in their high schools.
"One of the advantages of doing
such will be that your kids can just
say 'I got this from my mom's closet!'
and have it be truthful, instead of it
being from the sales section of Space
Outfitters," argues Waters. 'You'll
be the envy of your kid's fashion
blogger friends." '21 Ever wonder if you could take a pill, become a genius and make more money than the
Sauder kids? Or dream about paying for your tuition with your kidney so you don't
have to get a summer job?
Look no further, dial "the future" to get the answers!
PHONE 985 655 2500 DECEMBER 8,1950 I SPORTS I EDITOR DICK BUTTSON
Men of UBC begin
debate on women's
sports
Tripp
Just bein' real
A group of men met earlier this
week to discuss the future of
women's sports programs at the
university.
Many at the table were
skeptical of the proposal citing the
fact that pink is not particularly
their colour.
"Like, blue is a boy colour
and yellow is also a boy colour,
so I think what we have going on
right now is good. If we had to
make pink uniforms it'd be kind
of weird," said Athletics President
David Nills.
Sports Guy Roger McAgee
paused between bites of a double
Big Mac to voice his concern that
women's teams would not be
athletic enough.
"I really just don't see women
being big or strong enough to
compete in collegiate sport.
Nobody wants to watch a pillow
fight, or whatever they do," he
wheezed.
"Besides, if women really want
to play games, there are many
young men out there who'd be
happy to teach them racquetball."
Ubyssey reporter Emma Law
asked McAgee if the university's
unwillingness to consider
funding women's sports could
be a result of thousands of years
of institutionalized sexism at the
hands of a bloated patriarchy.
Law was asked to leave once
the members realized she was not
a waitress or maid.
The meeting ended after
attendees collectively destroyed
a radio, mistaking it for a voice
other than their own. '21
^
» i 0
"Sockoin Stiff wins by a knock-out! How about
a word to the folks, Sockem? Were you ever
in trouble?"
"Yes, I had co as rant trouble with aliens fucking
my wife—until I tried Allen 's™Atien Poison'."
Allen's Alien Poison
Gets  em green
since 1969
GOING TO GRADUATE ANYTIME SOON?
We didut think so....
Student-athletes to be overpaid in 2015
Dick Buttson
Tarantula wrangler
New projections show that
student-athletes will be making
hundreds of thousands of
Canadian dollars this year, which
is 2015.
Currently student-athletes
struggle to pay for school, books
and their 4,000 calorie daily diets
as universities don't pay them
at all. Once student-athletes are
overpaid, they should be able to
cover rent and food, though it's
unlikely they will be overpaid
enough to afford tuition.
"I think it's great that
student-athletes will be
overpaid," said Alex McTackles,
the Thunderbirds football
captain. "I've been using the
same cleats since the sixth grade
because I can't buy new ones."
UBC plans to overpay their
athletes with money from
increased ticket sales. This will
be no small task as currently
the average attendance at a
Thunderbirds game is one
player's entire extended family
and three cats, a handful of lost
tourists and a student-journalist.
"We need about a 10,000 per
cent increase in fan attendance
to overpay student athletes,"
said.
UBCs director of athletics.
"We plan on drawing crowds by
hanging posters in the bus loop
and having alumni buy free beer."
Athletes will see an
introduction of salaries in the
next five to ten years contingent
on ticket sales. In the meantime,
salaries will increase with
inflation on a yearly bases.
"Just come and watch a
game," pleaded McTackles. "I'm
going to need foot surgery if I
don't get new cleats soon." 'M
The road to the Vanier Cup
Dirk Benchpress
Proprietor
This year, the T-Birds became
the first ever team to field an
UBC @ Cgy
W978-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
Sask @ UBC
W 5,917-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
UBC @ Sask
W 3,642-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
UBC @ Cgy
W 6,598-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
entire team of synthetic humans.
While human rights groups, the
Canadian government, NATO
and the United Nations have
expressed   concern   about   the
Reg @ UBC
W 1,016-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
UBC @ AB
W 7,134-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
Man @ UBC
W 2,837-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
UBC @ St.Fx
W 6,701-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
amount of death now involved
in the game, our boys in blue
have never looked better!
Congratulations men, and keep
doing us proud! '3
UBC @ Man
W 8,980-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
AB @ UBC
W 877-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
Man @ UBC
W 347-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
UBC @ Mtl
W 6,346-0
Notes: All opponents left
the game after showing
symptoms of death.
££
&
UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE
Hrs. 9 a.m    9 a.m.   Sat. 9 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Overpriced foam fingers, ten different shot glasses, sweatshirts
of every colour of the fucking rainbow, books that cost more
than your rent and printers you'll use once in your dorm room
before you run out of ink and cant afford any more.
Owned and Operated by
The University of B.C. DECEMBER 8,1950 IOPINIONS I EDITOR DIRK BENCHPRESS
Advice: Ask
Natalie on robot girlfriends
and flats on
the moon
Natalie Lastname
Analytical machine
"Dear Natalie,
My roommate often goes
over to my parents' flat on
the Moon. I told her it was
okay, but now I think she's
overstaying her welcome. My
parents' moon flat is really
nice, but she gets moon dust
everywhere. How do I tell her
to knock it off?"
Having a house on the Moon
is a privilege. The Super-USSR
hold great claim to moon space
and having any property is really
awesome.
Tell your roommate she can't
go anymore. If you need to, tell
her your parents are changing
the locks and don't want anyone
outside the family having a copy
of the keys. Stand up! Don't let
her run you over like a moon
rover.
"Dear Natalie,
I met an incredible lady robot
while ring shopping on Saturn
and she totally swept me off
my feet. Her programing
is just absolutely amazing.
She has these beautiful
#000080 eye inserts and her
intelligence programing is
really outstanding. I connect
to her on so many levels and
I'm starting to fall for her. The
only problem is my parents
don't approve of interstellar
intimacy. I really care for her,
but I also want my parents to
like her. What should I do?"
This is 2015. Your parents need
to get with the times. Interstellar
relationships are not the taboo
thing they were even 30 years ago.
Your love is wonderfully strong
and modern artificially-intelligent
robots are truly a standard part of
our society. Your parents benefit
from robot politicians, robot chefs
and robot doctors. Why can't they
get behind a robot as a partner for
their child?
Stand up for your girlfriend
because if you back down now,
when will you stop? When your
parents want to use the old
gasoline car? When your parents
insist on "calling" you? When they
make you use the stairs?
Come on, it's 2015. You can do
it. •a
Write for
The Ubysseyl
Hate the system? Feel stepped
on by The Man? Join our team
of elite writers and cover the
news that matters*!
*News may not ever actually matter.
We are being censored
Flin Flon Manitoba
Completely imaginary
Should we
let synthetic
humans play
football?
Dirk Benchpress
Unattended minor
This question has generated a ton
of hullabaloo and I think it's just
nonsense.
Letting synthetic humanoids
play the game of football is part of
the normal evolution of the sport.
Did we cry when we went from
leather pads to carbon fiber? No.
Did we pout when we started doing
tests for concussions? No. Did we
make a fuss when we stopped using
a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree.
The game is being modernized,
people. Wake up.
Last season, the one before we
drafted our first crop of synthetic
humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd
likes to call them, "dangerous killing
machines"), the T-Birds went
2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby.
8-0. There were some missteps
along the way, sure, but what great
team doesn't have their share of
controversy? Talk to the Patriots
about what it takes to win.
I'm totally not gonna lie —
"DeflateGate" wasn't great for our
image. It never looks good when
your star synthetic running back is
caught draining your opponents'
human players of blood before
the game begins. But what did we
do when things looked dark? We
fielded a team of damn heroes and
literally tore our opponents apart.
That's another so-called "issue"
those anti-synth morons love to
throw around: the murder. "We
shouldn't let our kids play full-
contact sports with militarized
robots," they cry. "My son lost
both of his arms trying to catch
a pass," they moan. "If it weren't
for synthetic humans, my son
wouldn't have been decapitated."
Someone call the waambulance.
This is a tough game. Always
has been. There's no room for
crying in football, on or off the
field. Is it sad when your kid
gets killed by a bloodthirsty
amalgamation of blood and steel?
Of course. But you know what's
sadder? Boring football. 'M
our bou§!
Assuming the rest of the league
can find replacement players,
season tickets go
on sale Aug 23. 8    |   GAME    |   TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1950
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
$
22
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
14
20
21
27
23
28
2d
24
32
25
£6
30
31
33
55
54
35
36
37
33
4C
41
41
■ 45
44
45
46
47
48
43
50
57
:z
59
51
ae
53
■ 54
::
56
60
61
62
63
54
55
66
57
!::
Crossword
ACROSS
47- Big consumer;
24- Actress Daly;
1- Travel on water;
49- Queue after Q;
25- Batman's hilar
5- Despised;
50-Fast flier;
ious nemesis, with
10- Annapolis inst.;
51- Blackjack request;
"the";
14- Architectural
54- Pleasure garden;
26- French school;
pier;
60- Jacob's brother;
27- Card game;
15- Coeur d' , ID;
61- In the least;
28- Fenced areas;
16- Needy;
62- Moderately cold;
29- Trousers;
17- Pierce with a
63- Coral habitat;
30-Not hollow;
knife;
64-Lady of the
31- Goodnight girl of
18- Person who
house;
song;
dresses stones;
65- Doing nothing;
32- One on slopes;
19- French actor
66-Ego;
35- Him, to Henri;
Jacques;
67- Orgs.;
38- Confined, with
20- Haphazard;
68- Consider;
"up";
22-Studied, with
41- Worn over the
"over";
DOWN
ears in cold weather;
23- Regret;
1- Scarf;
43- Pigsty;
24- 1980's movie
2- Against;
44- Turns, e.g.;
starring Bo Derek and
3- Let's just leave	
46- British verb
Dudley Moore;
that;
ending;
25- Objects of per
4- Worker;
48- Old Testament
sonal adornment;
5- Tool used for driv
book;
29- Heartburn;
ing nails;
51- "His and ";
33- Earth tone;
6- Jai ;
52- Fortuneteller's
34- Economist
7- Hardy lass;
start;
Greenspan;
8- Slaughter in Coo-
53- Chinese weight;
36-Toil;
perstown;
54- School orgs.;
37- Pond fish;
9- Lair, often for wild
55- Scottish boys;
38- Dried plum;
animals;
56-Vivacity;
39-Wreath of flow
10- So far;
57- Lymph ;
ers;
11- Rise sharply, as a
58- "Unforgettable"
40- Otherwise;
bird would;
singer;
42- Prepare a book or
12- E or G, e.g.;
59-K-6;
film for release;
13-Like the Gobi;
61- Doctors' org.;
43- Lobster state;
21- Govern;
45- Keeps;
22- Apiece;
1»
THE J WAS HAZLE SHOES
For the mast powerful
weapon in the world . , *
A CLASSIFIED
ADVERTISEMENT
IN
THE UBYSSEY
Each advertisement purchase comes with a
genetically modified cat-sized, unicorn-like horse
that will provide you with unlimited Twinkies. This
is a great deal! Purchase now before inflation raises
the price to a whopping     20     cents!
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MiKTii nflviiiiEST iiisrtfit IIAI.L

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