UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Dec 1, 1995

Item Metadata

Download

Media
ubysseynews-1.0128791.pdf
Metadata
JSON: ubysseynews-1.0128791.json
JSON-LD: ubysseynews-1.0128791-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): ubysseynews-1.0128791-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: ubysseynews-1.0128791-rdf.json
Turtle: ubysseynews-1.0128791-turtle.txt
N-Triples: ubysseynews-1.0128791-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: ubysseynews-1.0128791-source.json
Full Text
ubysseynews-1.0128791-fulltext.txt
Citation
ubysseynews-1.0128791.ris

Full Text

Array Immaculately conceived since 1918
volume 77 issue 25
Friday, December 1, 1995
"Last gasp'1 protest fails to turn Coke vote
AMS BUSINESS MANAGER Bernie Peets
by Matt Thompson
The "real thing" is now the only
thing.
The University of British Columbia
has become the first university in the
country to sell a private corporation
exclusive control over its student
market.
After a five hour roller-coaster debate
Wednesday night, AMS council voted
to ratify the Cold Beverage Contract,
making UBC an exclusively Coca-Cola
campus for the next ten years.
The university's Board of Governors
had already approved the contract
November 22, and AMS approval was
the deal's final obstacle.
Approximately 30 students were on
hand for the meeting, many of them
members of the Student Environment
Centre (SEC) who came to mount what
they called a "last gasp" of protest
against the deal.
SEC member Jaggi Singh attacked
the 76-page agreement's confidentiality
clause, which prohibits the university
and AMS from divulging the contract's
details-including exactly how much
money the AMS and university will
receive from Coke.
"Under this deal, Coke gets to decide
what we know and what we don't
know," Singh charged, arguing students
(left) outlines the "non-confidential" details of
should have as much right as councillors
to read the agreement.
Singh said the SEC has collected 300
of the 1000
signatures required to force a
referendum on
the issue, and
urged council to
wait for the
results of a
student vote.
"I don't
think it's a bad
precedent to
set to say, 'Any
time we're
entering into a
long-term exclusivity contract with a
major multinational corporation, we're
going to ask the
opinion of students,'" Singh
argued.
But councillors like Engineering Rep. Michael Blackman
claimed a referendum would be
"pointless," since students would not
the Cold Beverage Agreement only to be grilled
be able to make an informed decision
because of the deal's confidentiality
clause.	
Graduate Studies representative Vighen
Pacradouni said it
was well within
council's mandate
to ratify the deal
without the explicit consent of
students.
"Whether you
like it or not, we
represent you,"
Pacradouni told
the group of
protesters, maintaining council
routinely makes
decisions on
matters more important than the
Coke deal.
Am Johal and
Janice Boyle also
voted against putting the deal to a
student       vote,
despite  having signed  the  SEC's
referendum petition.
"I think I made it relatively clear
How your reps voted
For
Nicola Ashurst (Agriculture), Craig Bavis
(Arts), Michael Blackman (Engineering), Janice
Boyle (president), Anna-Maria Carvalho
(Science), Lica Chui (Senate), Amanda Daniels
(Arts), Oriri Del vecchio (Science), Andrew Ferris
(Arts), Jason Hewlett (Human Kinetics), Susanne
Hyun (Nursing), John Lindsay (Education), Patrick
Lum (Dentistry), Sasha lupichuk (Medicine),
Tracy MacKinnon (Science), Tricia Marcotte
(Education), Peter Meisl (Graduate Studies), Jilt
Melland (Engineering), Vighen Pacradouni
(Graduate Studies), Trevor Presley (Arts), Michael
Richards (Commerce), Linda Sandercock
(Graduate Studies), Azmlna Verjee (Pharmacy),
Matt Wiggln (Science).
Against
David Borins (coordinator of external affairs), Lisa
Cohen (Family and Nutritional Sciences), Donna
Curtis (Library and Archival Studies), Gail Edwards
(Graduate Studies), Heather Hermant (Board of
Governors), Michael Hughes (Board of Governors),.
Tara Ivanochko (director of finance), Namiko
Kunimoto (vice-president), Craig Munroe (Law), Ho
Min Um (Arts).
Abstention:
Lance Anderson (Rehab. Sciences).
by SEC member Jaggi Singh (right)
when the petition was presented to me-
and I certainly made it clear afterward—
that I did support their efforts, but I did
not necessarily support the direction
they were taking them in," Boyle
equivocated when asked why she signed
the petition.
As the debate wore on, tensions ran
high, with many students arguing that
council was not taking ethical
arguments into account.
"Let's face it, the Western world's not
going to collapse if we sign this deal,"
one councillor said.
"But the Third World will,'" Centime
Zeleke from the Women's Centre
retorted.
After several motions to postpone the
deal were defeated, council called the
question.
The results of the final roll-call vote
were 24 in favour and ten against, with
one abstention.
The decision was met with boos and
jeers from most of the SEC spectators,
who threw their referendum petition ori
the council floor and left the room in
disgust.
Singh says the SEC has no plans to
give up its opposition to the deal, and
is considering circulating a new petition
asking students to rescind the deal.
"It's not over," he said. HhkMliEY?PT
For Sale
Christmas wholesale. One day only
in the Art Gallery. Toys, Watches,
Books, Giftware, Bus. Supplies,
Etc. Dec. 6 9-6.
Wanted
English as an Additional Language
(E.A.L.) students wanted for a
January collaborative creative
writing study using computers.
Contact Julie 732-4987 or
jlfine@unixg.ubc.ca
Word Processing/
Typing
Word processing/typing, 30 years
experience, APA specialist, laser
printer, student rates. Tel: 228-8346.
WP essays, theses, manuscripts,
reports, letters, resumes. Laser ptr.
English & French. CLEMY 266-
6641.
Other Services
ESSAY ANXIETY??!!
Researcher avail. B.A. B.S.W.
Call Celeste 872-3648.
24 hr. answering service
*private voicemail*
$10/mo. no equipment
C-TEL 594-4810 Ext 1000.
NORSKE LEIKERING
Attention Norwegian students
If interested in folk dancing, fiddling
or accordion, please call Paul. 591-
9793.
Lost & Found
SMALL GRAY BOX of DISCS lost
Nov.24 between clock tower &
biosciences. Call Rich x3382.
Reach 30,000
students with one
phone call
The Ubyssey.
822-1654.
This will be the
last issue of
The Ubyssey
for this term.
Thanks to all of our
advertisers for your
support.
We'll be back on January
3rd after a much needed
holiday.
Next Ad close:
December 29
'tween classes    Protecting our right to Know
November 29 -
December 1
Winter Clothing Drive
Presented by UNICEF
UBC. Clothing will go to
Family Services BC.
Sedgewick and
Woodward Librairies,
11:30am - 2:30pm
Friday, December 1
March and Commemoration
Presented by the
Women's Centre in
commemoration of the
Dec 6 Massacre in
Montreal. Clocktower,
12:30pm.
Thursday, December 7
Class Series
"The Bolshevik
Revolution" presented by
Sparticus Youth Club.
Britannia Community
Centre, room L4, 7:30pm.
Saturday, December 9
Xmas Craft Fair
Crafts, food, music and a
raffle. The Longhouse,
10:00am-4:00pm.
Friday, December 15
Open House
Darlene Marzari, MLA
(Vancouver - Point Grey)
Constituency office, 2505
Dunbar St, 5:00 - 7:00pm.
The Ubyssey
Publications Society
Nominations for the Board of Directors
The Ubyssey will be holding elections for five student-at-large positions on the nine-member Board of directors of The Ubyssey Publications Society (UPS), the Society that publishes The Ubyssey. One of
the elected directors shall be the President ofthe UPS.
The voting period will be from January 15-19, 1996.
Nominations for candidacy must be submitted to the UPS Chief Returning Officer (CRO) in writing no later than January 10, 1995.
Responsibilities of student-at-large directors include (but are not limited to): meeting at least once a month; serving on committees ofthe Board.
In addition to the normal duties and responsibilities of a Board member, the President of the Society shall: coordinate the Directors in the
performance of their duties; conduct or cause to be conducted the correspondence ofthe Society; issue notices of meetings ofthe directors and committees of the directors and prepare agendas therefore; have such other
duties and responsibilities as the directors may from time to time determine.
The main area of responsibility for the Board is the financial and administrative management of the Society's affairs. The Board does not
determine editorial policy for the newspaper, nor does it select editors. As per the UPS Constitution and Bylaws, UPS Board Members
are not paid for the performance of their duties, acting on a strictly
volunteer basis.
All persons seeking election to the Board of Directors must be Members in good standing ofthe Society (Members in good standing being
those students at UBC who have paid the $5.00 Membership fee). All
persons seeking election to the Board must complete the nomination
forms and submit them to the Chief Returning Officer ofthe Society
before the close of nominations. Nominations must be seconded and
bear ten signatures from Members in good standing of the Society.
Nomination forms are available in SUB 245 during normal business
hours, as are copies of the UPS Constitution and Bylaws containing
the rules and regulations governing elections.
Questions regarding the elections and nomination procedure should
be forwarded to the Chief Returning Officer ofthe UPS, Quoc Bui,
at 822-6681.
by Stanley Tromp
Concern over the Cold
Beverage Agreement's confidentiality clause has sparked
interest in what information the
university is required to divulge
to students-and what they're
allowed to keep secret.
Under the Freedom of
Information (FOI) Act, UBC
students may see their own
(though nobody else's) medical
or counselling files, disciplinary
records and letters on why they
were rejected for a bursary or
scholarship. Matters such as an
instructor's research, lecture
notes or information about
upcoming exams, however, are
off-limits.
Since October 1994, when the
BC Freedom of Information Act
and Protection of Privacy Act
was extended to universities,
UBC has processed 561
information requests, most of
these for the applicant's own
student records or employee
files.
Vice-Provost Libby Nason,
who heads the FOI office,
stressed the distinction between
closed meetings, during which
minutes are kept, and in-camera
meetings, which are not
minuted.
"[In-camera sessions
are] a great way for a
public body to hide
stuff...."
Libby Nason
Vice-Provost
"If anybody wanted to see
minutes from the Board of
Governors closed session we'd
have to consider that, depending
on what the information is. But
our Board secretary is very
careful to put into closed session
things the are confidential under
the Act.
"It's a great way for a public
body to hide stuff, to say it's closed.
But I think the Act requires you
to look at what the material is
before you say 'No' in advance."
Last summer UBC denied
repeated requests by a WestEnder
reporter for a copy of the
university phone directory.
But the university eventually
released a copy after the
newspaper filed a formal FOI
request.
Requests can be filed bv
students for free, although new
applicants are charged fees if their
requests take more than three
hours to process. Nason says all
requests are held in confidence,
and dissatisfied applicants can
appeal to Information and Privacy
Commissioner David Flaherty in
Victoria.
For more details, call the FOI
office in Room 106 of the Old
Administration Building at 822-
2909.
Where there's an ad for smokes there's fire
by Jesse Gelber
The Supreme Court of
Canada'a decision to repeal its
ban on cigarette advertising is
forcing newspapers and
magazines across the country to
take sides on the tobacco issue-
and the student press is no
exception.
The Supreme Court ruled
September 21 that the 7-year-
old ban was as an infringement
on tobacco companies' right to
free speech, and cigarette
advertisers have since begun to
actively court university
newspapers.
Some student papers, faced
with financial constraints, say
they have no choice. The
Charlatan at Carleton University
has voted in favour of running
cigarette ads.
Jill Perry, the paper's
business manager, estimates
the ads will generate more than
$12,000 in revenue. She says
the advertising is ethical,
arguing that the purpose of the
ads is to get people to switch
brands rather than to
encourage people to start
smoking.
The Lance, a student paper at
Windsor University, has also
decided to run advertisements
for tobacco products. "We
thought it was censorship to not
run tobacco ads," said Editor in
Chief Cheryl Clark.
But while cigarette advertising
is no longer illegal, many major
newspapers and magazine argue
that it remains unethical and
have decided not to run cigarette
ads.
According to MacLean's
magazine, more than 40,000
Canadians die each year from
tobacco-related diseases.
Smoking is estimated to cost in
excess of $7 billion a year in
health care, fire damage and
forgone income.
The Ubyssey
Friday, December 1,1995 News
The world has AIDS
by J. Clark
Every day 6000 people
around the world are infected
by HIV, according to the World
Health Organization (WHO).
World AIDS Day, on Friday,
December 1, is "all about
bringing to the public's attention
the issues surrounding HIV and
AIDS," AIDS Vancouver's
Philip Hannan said.
Hannan says while the
public's concern with the AIDS
pandemic has waned in the past
few years, "the problem is only
getting worse."
There are 8393 recorded
cases of HIV in BC to date.
Students losers
in federal bargaining tactics
by Sarah Galashan
Post-secondary students
may be the country's big
losers if the federal
government fulfills promises made to Quebec
during the referendum.
On November 27, Prime
Minister Jean Chretien
surprised Canadians with
an unscheduled press
conference announcing
three "initial measures of
change" for a post-
referendum Canada.
Chretien said the
changes, which include
distinct society recognition
for Quebec and regional
veto rights, were prompted by country-wide public
opinion.
The third proposed
change is a bill described
by Chretien as "an
approach that respects
provincial jurisdiction and
responsibilities in the
fields of education and
labour-market training."
But the acting National
Director of the Canadian
Alliance of Students
Associations (CASA) Fat
Fitzpatrick says Chretien's
third proposal will likely
cause problems for post-
secondary co-op programs.
Fitzpatrick says it is
uncertain from Chretien's
speech whether the federal government will
continue to finance co-op
programs, and if so,
whether control will
remain in federal jurisdiction.
"We're all holding our
breaths until either
Thursday or Friday morning," Fitzpatrick said.
"Depending on what's
said, lobbying may be
needed."
Fitzpatrick says the full
implications of this bill are
presently unknown, but
expects an explanation
later this week from
Minister of Human
Resources Development
Lloyd Axworthy.
Hannan insists people must
strengthen their efforts to deal
with HIV and AIDS.
"If you don't spend the
money now," he said, "you'll be
spending the money later when
you have people sick in hospital
beds."
AIDS Vancouver's Coordinator of the World AIDS Day
Red Ribbon Campaign Thomas
Dolan says the drive's purpose
goes far beyond simply
generating much needed funds
for the society.
"The red ribbon was created
as an icon for people who have
died of AIDS, but has become
an icon for people living with
AIDS," Dolan explained.
People with AIDS feel an
enormous amount of support
when they see others wearing
the red ribbon, according to
Dolan. For people who are HIV
positive, the red ribbon is a
symbol of "support, compassion and hope."
Dolan said that as more and
more people become infected
with HIV, more people are
becoming affected by the
disease. He estimates it won't
be long before everyone knows
someone who is living with or
who has died from AIDS.
This has induced the
Canadian AIDS Society
(CAS) to entitle its awareness
campaign, "Canada has
AIDS."
"From our perspective, we all
have AIDS," Dolan said. "We
are all affected by it."
Lucys
New VP to secure UBC research
by Irfan Dhalla
Bernard Bressler has his work
cut out for him. As UBC's new
Vice-President of Research,
Bressler says he will have a difficult
time maintaining present research
budgets, let alone increasing them.
"The biggest problem [with
respect to research funding] is the
government debt," says Bressler.
In recent years, federal financial
difficulties have forced granting
councils to make severe cuts. The
Medical Research Council (MRC),
the Natural Sciences and
Engineering Research Council
(NSERC), and the Social Sciences
and Humanities Research Council
(SSHRC) have all cut their
research budgets by more than
10%, with further cuts expected.
The MRC made cuts across the
board, while NSERC opted to
eliminate certain fringe programs
entirely. The success rate for new
grants at both agencies is very low,
even for researchers with a proven
record.
Given the lack of government
funding, Bressler says he is not
averse to accepting corporate
funds to finance research activities
on campus, as long as the research
has a "strong academic benefit."
Corporations now finance 16%
of research at UBC, up from 10%
only two years ago. A large part
of this increase is due to federal
granting agencies encouraging
cost-sharing agreements with the
private sector.
Some see the increased
influence of corporations on
research as especially tough on the
humanities.
"We don't have the sort of
project that is immediately
engaging [to a company]," says
Errol Durbach, Associate Dean of
the Faculty of Arts.
Fortunately, the arts at UBC
have one new guaranteed source
of income: The Hampton Fund.
Many researchers are now
reaping the benefits of UBC's
controversial development of
Hampton Place, a townhouse
complex at the south end of the
campus.
This year, the Hampton Fund
contributed $600,000 to
humanities research at UBC.
Beginning next year, that figure
will rise to $900,000, where it will
remain in perpetuity.
Another new source of funds for
humanities research comes from
SSHRC. At the same time as it is
cutting its mainstream research
support, SSHRC is promoting
strategic grants in areas such as
"Women   and   Change"   and
"Applied Ethics."
Surprisingly, the strategic grants
program is undersubscribed. The
reason for this may be a lack of
academic choice.
"I think there is resistance to
working in pre-defined areas," said
Richard Spratley, Director of
Research Services at UBC.
As the new Vice-President of
Research, Bressler says he would
like to work with all faculties to
maintain and strengthen research
opportunities. He strongly
believes that a strong research base
at UBC will benefit both graduate
and undergraduate students.
Bressler, 50, comes to the
university administration from
UBC's Department of Anatomy,
where he is Head. His four-year
appointment as Vice-President of
Research begins next January.
Media hones in on campus
Marzari departs from politics
by Matthew Lumley
Point Grey MLA and
Municipal Affairs Minister
Darlene Marzari announced
Friday she will not seek reelection after almost 30 years in
BC politics.
Marzari, who has served as
UBC's representative to the
Legislative Assembly since 1986,
says her decision to quit politics
was prompted largely by Premier
Mike Harcourt's resignation.
"His decision had a
tremendous impact on me...and
I'm still very sad about it,"
Marzari said. "He brought to
provincial politics, which is a very
tumultuous and adversarial place,
a sense of fairness."
Marzari and Harcourt first
stepped into elected politics when
they were both voted to
Vancouver City Council as
members of The Electors Action
Movement (TEAM) in 1972.
Her announcement surprised
many New Democrats, who had
hoped she would stay to defend
her Vancouver-Point Grey riding
against Liberal leader Gordon
Campbell.
But Marzari says she will
continue her commitment to the
NDP as a member, if not a
candidate. "I am still here until
the election is called. This office
is still running full tilt... and my job
is [still] to defeat Gordon
Campbell."
Marzari does not hide her
strong feelings about the Liberal
leader. "Fm very worried about
what I have come to call 'Attila
the Liberal,' and about this So-
Cred/Liberal coalition which has
threatened this province before."
In a political climate where
some analysts predict Draconian
cutbacks to public funding,
Marzari is also concerned "about
the neo-conservative ideology
which is pushing Alberta and
Ontario around being replicated
here.
"I would be very worried
about that being the scenario.
And [the] way to avoid that...is to
maintain the balanced common-
sense approach that I believe the
NDP government has brought to
bear on federal cutbacks."
Marzari's decision not to run
brings the number of NDP
ministers who will not be around
for the next provincial election to
three, not including Mike
Harcourt.
by Douglas Quan
Rising tuition rates, tougher
entrance requirements and
discouraging job prospects are
among the top issues facing today's
post-secondary students, and it
appears media oudets across the
country are taking notice. Or are
they?
The Saskatoon daily StarPhoenix
recently became the first non-
student newspaper in Canada to
set up its own news bureau on a
university campus, but Vancouver's two daily newspapers say
they have no immediate plans to
follow suit.
But no campus bureaus doesn't
mean no campus news, says John
Cruickshank, editor-in-chief of the
Vancouver Sun.
The Sun assigned a reporter to
the higher education beat last
September for the first time in five
years, a reflection of what
Cruickshank calls The Sun's
"intensification of interest" in
education issues.
But according to Kevin Griffin,
The Sun's higher education
reporter, the local media still "don't
do a very good job" of covering
BC universities.
"[It] is unfortunate because I
think there are a lot of interesting
things happening," Griffin said,
pointing to the massive funding
cuts anticipated in post-secondary
education as an example.
"Ifs such a huge issue; what it means
is almost hard to get agrasp oa"
In addition, there are the
"staples," Griffin said, referring to
ongoing articles on research
conducted at the universities.
Neil Graham, Managing Editor at
The Province, says that while the
paper's "target market is definitely
younger people, I think the lack of
university coverage is a problem.
"Our coverage ofthe university
scene aside from sports is really not
very good," he said. "The only
time we hear anything out of the
universities is when there's some
sort of a crisis."
Just a reminder to all Ubyssey staff...
Vs. an alternative will be produced in
241K on December 2-4. That means no
boys in the office on those days.
Friday, December 1,1995
The Ubyssey ultur
A kinder, gentler Spirit of the West
Spirit of the West
with Junkhouse
Dec 6-8 at the Commodore
by Jenn Kuo
Two Headed, Spirit of the
West's six-month-old album, is
definitely a change from their earlier material. Two Headed is the
seventh album to come out of the
band's twelve-year history.
Co-founder Geoffrey Kelly says
the band is still "pretty comfortable with each other; we're working well together right now.
"We did it ourselves this time,
production wise. Overall [the tone]
may be a little darker than the last
album. It's kind of complicated,
dark subject matter. It doesn't
make for great radio pop stuff, but
it's really honest; it's where we
are."
This album is undoubtedly different than previous ones and it
shows in the sound, which is unlike their more famous Celtic aesthetic. "I don't know if we were
consciously trying to [move away
from the Celtic sound]. Maybe on
this album we didn't pay attention to that ... and we didn't uphold that side of what we do. I
think we were purposely trying to
experiment more."
But Kelly insists that there are
elements of their old style within
the album. "We'd be crazy to not
use those instruments because it
is kind of what gives us an identity. I think a lot of people really
relate to that, and when it's not a
real strong part of the overall
sound, they really feel let down
or [think] there's something missing."
Much of the Celtic and acoustic
sound the band is capable of was
steered towards their project with
the Vancouver Symphony, which
they were recording at the same
time. Kelly realizes that this new
approach, combined with the fact
that Muchmusic is not giving their
new videos regular airplay, may
be why the album is not doing as
well as Faithlift.
Kelly doesn't see that their new
album is all that different than
other efforts in the past. "Every
album is a bit different, but we
were really quite surpirsed that
people found it so different from
Faithlift. The songs are more
guitarish than they have been in
the past... you can really hear a
lot of electric and acoustic guitar."
The album cover has a picture
of a baby with two sides of its
brain exposed. "Like anyone,
we're capable of being fairly serious deep thinking people," Kelly
explains. "On the other hand,
we're quite happy to spend an
evening in a pub being absolutely
silly." The album cover tries to
show this positive/negative image
of how people can be. The songs
also try, humourously, to show
how people are capable of extremes.
Family seems to be a big part
of their lives these days, and it
shows in their ideas, writing, and
touring habits. "Pinup 80/ is about
the release of pedophiles back into
neighbourhoods filled with children. "The best defense is to turn
the pedophile into a pinup boy so
that he becomes a minor celebrity. This is helpful for children
because they know to steer clear."
The writing is becoming different with the ages. On previous
albums they would never mention
something about "taking aim at
the pinup boy." When they were
Unable to get to your own family physician?
Then why not visit your	
STUDENT HEALTH
SERVICE
ROOM M334
2211 WESBROOK MALL
(located in the Vancouver Hospital,
UBC Site)
HOURS:
MONDAY, TUESDAY,
WEDNESDAY, £r FRIDAY 8AM - 4PM
THURSDAY'S 8:45AM - 4 PM
For more information come in or
telephone:
General Clinic 822-7011
Psychiatric Clinic 822-7689
Fax 822-7889
younger, they wouldn't have
bothered to try and understand
other people's points of view; the
band would have righteously defended gun control. But now, "as
parents ... we're willing to ... hold
up for inspection this side of us
that's a little more conservative.
Having kids will make you at least
try and understand what people
on the right are thinking."
But Spirit of the West would not
be the band we know if they
didn't make some sort of comment
on political issues. 'Unplugged,'
another stand-out song, is the
band's take on euthanasia, inspired by Sue Rodriguez's ordeal
and a documenatry about a dying
man in Holland who wanted to die
immediately after celebrating one
more birthday. Kelly describes it
as a "footstomping song about euthanasia, celebrating a person's
life rather than mourning it. [It is]
more akin to what we used to do,
and that's maybe why people like
it. And if people can dance to a
song about euthanasia, then that's
quite an accomplishment."
The upcoming single 'Mildred'
came about when John Mann
gave Kelly a pair of boxer shorts
for his birthday. He was trying to
convince Kelly to steer away from
"There's nothing new about men in drag," says Geoffrey Kelley
(far left) of SPIRIT OF THE WEST. The band still likes to joke
and experiment.
being a "fly-front man". On the
leg, there was a sticker that said,
"Inspected by Mildred." The song
is lighter and more frivolous and
is basically an "imaginary look at
someone else's life."
Although somewhat disap
pointing to longtime fans, Two
Headed certainly shows Spirit of
the West's unique sense of
humour and ability to play with
different styles. It's their way of
changing and experimenting with
the times.
Red Red Meat with Blaise Pascal and No. 1 Cup
Nov 29 at the Starfish Room
by Andy Barham
I was not predisposed to enjoy Wednesday nighf s concert at the Starfish Room. For one
thing, the original reason for going (namely, an interview with Red Red Meat) had failed to
come together at the last minute. For another, I was in school all day and had to bus straight to
the gig without stopping at home to drop off my books. To add to all of this, I have to go to work,
sharpening multi-spur bits and Thurston blades. There is nothing more conducive to a state of
utter narcolepsy than sharpening Thurstons, even when one is well rested and not suffering
from a hangover.
Finally, I'd picked up Red Red Meat's latest CD for reviewing in these hallowed pages - and
fuck me for a monkey's arse if it didn't bore met
Truly, it sort of plods along soporifically, as though the band were on thorazine when they
put the bloody thing together. In all fairness, it does have a certain je ne saisquoi thaf s vaguely
psychedelic, vaguely punky without sounding hardcore or grttngy. In other words, stylistically,
it is interesting and seems to be the genesis of something new, if the three bands at last night's
gig were anything to go by.
First up was local act Blaise Pascal, raw youth not quite out of the garage yet. Their sound is
still a bit rough around the edges, but it shows more promise than a lot of more experienced
bands. like their mentors Red Red Meat, they have a vaguely punky-psychadelic kinda sound
thaf s hard to pin down. Perhaps the genre doesn't exist yet.
Imagine, if you will, if someone had taken Joy Division and The Grateful Dead, banged their
heads together and said "Henceforth shall ye be one!" and you'll have some idea of what they
sound like. If Blaise Pascal can just refine their sound a bit, acquire the polish and sophistication of Daytona or Knock Down Ginger, they should go far.
No. 1 Cup (I think that's how the band spells its name) sounds like what Blaise Pascal would
do if they had all that polish and sophistication, et cetera. I nearly had them crashing on my
living room floor. Hardly anybody turned out to see the show, and I guess none of the bands
made enough money to put up at even a cheap sleezebag Hastings Street hotel. Fortunately for
my crowded, tiny little flat, somebody else put them up instead. (Ann, the exalted life of us lot
down in {Cultural May you live in interesting times, and all that.)
As I believe I already mentioned, I was not predisposed to like Red Red Meat. Hell, I got there
half an hour after the doors were supposed to open, and they wouldn't let me in because the
band was still checking its sound or something. And it's
pissing down rain, and where the hell do you go while waiting for the doors to finally open? "I'm gonna really give these
guys a shitty review," I muttered to myself as I headed over
to the Yaletown for a bit of refreshment.
To do so, however, would be grossly unfair, not to mention wildly inaccurate. Clearly, they were the wellspring of
everyone else's inspiration that night. Red Red Meat is a good
band. They do make good music. It just doesn't come across
on their latest CD. Why this should be so is a mystery. A mediocre producer obsessed with; marketing the band based
on last year's outworn demographics? Someone in tne control room who just doesn't understand their sound? I don't
know. Maybe Red Red Meat can only be appreciated live. I do
know that I enjoyed their show far more titan I'd expected to.
Interviewing them should be more interesting than I previously thought, but thaf D have to wait 'til next year.
TO then, have a good whatever y'alll And just you lay off a
those reindeer, y'hear? Y'all come back now.
PRODUCTION SUPERVISORS
Production Supervisors are required
for a demanding unionized manufacturing environment Must be physically
assertive and well educated. Recent
university graduates with a B.Comm.
or B.Sc. or equivalent are preferred.
The position necessitates permanent
nightshift work. Supervisors will be
required to meet the production targets
of this highly technical business
manufacturing operation.
Extensive pre-employment and ongoing
training will be provided.
Salary $65,000 per annum with
extensive benefits.
Reply to: Production Supervisors
408 -1755 Robson St.,
Vancouver, B.C. V6G 3B7
The Ubyssey
Friday, December 1,1995 ultur
The holidays: a time for cartoons and depression!
The Crossing Guard
opens today at the Varsity
by Peter T. Chattaway
Former 'bad boy' Sean Penn
currently wants to be thought of
as a shy, reclusive artist, the sort
of deep thinker who can't bear to
be the object of a camera's
atention. To hear him speak so
humbly, you'd almost think a career shift from acting to directing
was a demotion. And sadly, his
turn as the auteur behind The
Crossing Guard may just prove his
point.
The premise is certainly interesting enough. Freddy Gale (Jack
Nicholson) has let his life go to hell
ever since his daughter was killed
in a drinking & driving accident.
His wife (Nicholson's real-life ex-
partner Anjelica Huston — one can
only hope the actors are more civil
to each other than their characters) has taken their sons and
married another man, leaving
Freddy to squander his time in a
strip joint prone to pedophiliac
fantasies (shades of Exotica, anyone?).
What Freddy needs to get his
life back on track is revenge. And
as luck would have it, the guilty
drunk driver, one John Booth
(David Morse), has just been released from his six-year manslaughter term. Problem is. Booth
is truly sorry for what he's done,
while Freddy has become an obsessive psycho. In an intriguing
role-reversal, the guilty man is
arguably the noblest character on
display, while the victim has become the villain.
So why doesn't this story work?
Perm's shallow script is the most
obvious culprit; at times The
Crossing Guard feels like a TV
movie-of-the-week with breasts
(even Nicholson bares his flabby,
disheveled chest). This perception
is only reinforced by the presence
of actors such as Morse [St. Elsewhere) and Priscilla Barnes, who
gets the thankless job of playing
one of Freddy's stripper girlfriends
(as if Three's Companywasn't demeaning enough).
Strangely enough, Penn gives
the worst moments to his own
real-life companion, Robin Wright
(The Princess Bride, Forrest
Gump). As Booth's girlfriend JoJo,
Wright is little more than a sounding board for Morse's soliloquys,
and her dialogue has an unintentionally goofy non sequitur quality. After a weighty postcoital confession from Morse — that I-killed-
a-girl-and-went-to-jail pillow talk
Miss Manners warned you all
about - she somehow finds it in
herself to say, "You have a beautiful face, the way your eyes slope.
You're like a little puppy." Their
scenes together couldn't be more
absurd if Morse woofed in reply.
Indeed, The Crossing Guard
consistently feels like a movie
thrown together by a bunch of
pals who had no greater motivation than the fact that they liked
working together. (Did they even
bother to audition Robbie
Robertson before casting him, in
a carelessly uninspired cameo, as
Huston's new husband?) This may
be great
(Don Rickles) resourceful invitation for us all to kiss his ass.
And adults won't believe their
eyes either. Toy Story is the
world's first computer-animated
feature and, like Who Framed
Roger Rabbit?, it is a cinematic
breakthrough in which.
fine; standouts include Wallace
Shawn as the timid tyrannosaur
replica, John Ratzenberger as a laconic, absurd-looking piggy bank,
and R. Lee Ermey of Full Metal
Jacket fame as the sergeant who
leads a veteran
NO
NVORE"-
FOOTSIE -- -      c   ssing
■in Sean Penn's The cro
for cast morale,
but it sabotages that tense collaborative craft known as good
filmmaking. Every cinematic effect
— the slow-motion photography,
Nicholson's gritty outbursts in
public places, and an opening sequence edited so choppily you'd
swear they shredded the celluloid
first — feels like it was stuck in
there just because, well, you can
do these things in a movie,
dammit!
I'll give Penn credit for not
sticking himself in front of the
camera, as many actors-turned-
director have done. But if Penn
wants to feel liberated from a life
in the spotlight, there are better
ways to go about it than slapping
together indulgent little films that
everyone will forget in a few
years. In an unusually lucid moment. Booth remarks, "If there isn't
something bigger than freedom,
then freedom is just entertainment." Sometimes it's not even
that.
Toy Story
at the Park and Capitol 6
by John Bolton
Toy Story will be this year's
biggest hit, I imagine. Kids will
haul their parents to the theatre
time and time again because they
can't believe their eyes, and parents will gladly indulge because
the film's a rarity, a kid's movie
about adults (well, adult toys) with
an adult sense of humour; only
grown-ups are likely to appreciate, for example, Mr. Potato Head's
Nicholson
Guard.
Anjelica
SncHe their difference,
miraculously, the greatest
attention has been paid to story
and character. But Toy Story transcends even its own narrative and
technological achievements. It's
witty, exciting, compassionate entertainment.
Tom Hanks stars as Woody the
cowboy, young Andy's acknowledged favorite and leader of the
bedroom's toy population. The
voice-work here is exceptionally
Huston fail to i
corps of
plastic soldiers. They all revere
Woody without reservation until
Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), action
figure extraordinaire, shows up
and steals the spotlight.
Woody quickly writes off his
challenger as 'Buzz Litebeer,' and
Buzz dismisses the spastic cowboy as a 'sad, strange little man.'
Of course, disaster strikes, and the
film charts these two's relationship as they are forced to work
together, in the real world, and get
back
to the
bedroom.
Allen does the most surprising and
remarkable work in the film; this
is a real performance, a far cry
from his tiresome Home Improve-
menf persona. The gag is Buzz believes he's an actual space hero
entrusted with saving the planet.
When he sees a commercial for
himself on television and comes
to realize the truth, Allen somehow brings a toy's existential neuroses to life.
On a purely technical level. Toy
Story makes Aladdin look like The
Gummi Bears. The sheer attention
to detail is overwhelming. San
Francisco based Pixar was wise in
making a movie about toys, as it's
apparently much easier to bring
remote-controlled cars and Etch-
A-Sketches to life than to create
convincing human characters. On
the other hand, the climax takes
place entirely outside the bedroom, on a busy street; cars speed
by and crash into each other and
it all looks as real as sunlit Super
35. It's also the finest action sequence I've seen in ages: taut,
well-paced and genuinely exciting.
When you can talk about a
piece of animation in terms of
the complexity of its shots, story
and character, it's evident that
Toy Story could be the best
movie of the season. I figure it's
more a unique achievement
than a harbinger of things to
come, but for the time being it
indeed takes the possibilities of
film, as Buzz would have it, 'to
infinity and beyond!'
ubc film society
Fri. Dec. 1 - Sun. Dec. 3 in SUB Auditorium
7:00 Hackers
9:30 A Walk in the Clouds
UBC Film Society
Check for our flyers
in SUB 247.
, a film
$3
Chinese Impression
Restaurant
4548 West 10th Ave.
(Across from Safeway)
Tel: 228-0039
Fax:228-0091	
I<b-t<i>»jf»jTS^
I
Book Your Christmas and
New Year Party Now!
(Special Menu for Group Available)
WE OFFER DAILY SPECIAL & CATERING
FOR ANY OCCASION FROM 10-150
ULTIMATE IN SZECHUAN & CANTONESE FOOD
DAILY LUNCH SPECIAL
NOMSG
For 24-Hour Movie Listings call 822-3697
UL
Dine-in Take Out Delivery
Open 7 days a week from 11:30AM Daily
Friday, December 1,1995
The Ubyssey VICARIOUS VINTER SPORTS
.,..__ m • _ m       ^_ vi\-«r\iv^w»3 vihicix jrvyni j
Playhouse gives us the leftover scraps     Hail Sega! Ttios*
Christopher Hunt and Lindsay Burns dream earnestly of marriage in the
Vancouver Playhouse's version of Oscar Wilde's THE IMPORTANCE
OF BEING EARNEST.
The Importance of Being Earnest
at the Vancouver Playhouse until Dec 23
by Tessa Moon & Sam Arnold
Freddy Wood did it better.
The Vancouver Playhouse's centennial production of The Importance of Being Earnest is tamer, quieter, briefer, and
simply saner than its recent UBC counterpart. When it
comes to the exquisite idiocy of Wilde's resolutely curmudgeonly satire, madder is better;
the Playhouse's Earnest is a somewhat mutilated
two-act patchwork stitched together from scraps
hacked out of the original four-act script. The skeleton is there, and the plot is perhaps easier to follow,
but all that lovely manic energy is gone. It's a tradeoff
- clarity against the pop.
It has its moments, though. Some truly alarming falsetto giggles from the suitably bubble-headed Cecily
(Kerry Sandomirsky) and David Man's spotless portrayal of the magniloquent fashion plate Algernon
Moncrieff both spice up the cast. And besides, the set
is pretty, and has the proper number of chairs.
What makes it all worth watching is the play's own
beautiful Victorian nonsense. No amount of editorial
slash-and-bum can remove all of Wilde's ever-witty,
acerbic gems (To lose one parent Mr. Worthing, may
be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like
carelessness"). More's the pity that the delivery often
resembles a temperamental loudspeaker.
Still, there's the story itself: the brain-twisting tale
of the almost, but not entirely, non-existent Earnest,
the alter ego of Jack Worthing, which is briefly assumed by the dastardly Algernon in an attempt to engage the affections of Jack's ward, Cecily. Cecily and
Algernon's cousin, Jack's beloved Gwendolen (Lindsay Burns), both believe themselves engaged to an
Ernest while Gwendolen's redoubtable mother Lady
Bracknell (live Baits Micki Maunsell) cheerfully denies Jack her blessings on account of his railway cloakroom origins.
Ifs worth a try for the first-time Earnest viewer.
Those familiar with it should sit at home, cucumber
sandwiches in hand, and snicker into the book instead.
by Ben Koh
The long awaited Sega Saturn has arrived
and it is awesome. Although I would rathei
see Sega reinvest their money in improving the
Genesis, I have no qualms about this "Ferrari"
of video game systems. The Saturn is here to
stay and, so far, I'm impressed with what it offers.
When I switched on the machine, I was immediately stunned by a blast of music in surround sound. (Oooo!) This was much better than
the bippity-boppoty sound and music effects of
the Genesis or the SNES. With the 16-bit machines, music sounded like a one-man band;
the effects sounded constipated and lifeless. But
the Saturn brings an orchestra into your home,
allowing for more dramatic musical scores. Characters can now speak to you with such clarity
and intensity that you almost think you could
have a conversation with them. You will never
hear a more lovelier punch or grunt (except
maybe in real life; and then it isn't lovely anymore) than on the Saturn.
All this because of one 128-step digital signal processor (which includes 68EC000 chip)
called the Sega Custom Sound Processor by
Yamaha. I have no idea what the hell it is but if
I could, I would kiss it.
Next came the graphics. They are amazingly
lush and deep. Metal looks like metal. Plastic
looks like plastic. Clouds are especially light and
fluffy. And no wonder! While the Genesis and
SNES only provide 16 and 256 colours, respectively, the Saturn gives us a phenomenal 16
million. We should all bow to the Hitachi 32-bit
processors and other graphic processors for this
and other feats, such as 3-D realism, detailed
graphics and a superior parallax system.
Externally, the Saturn looks like some futuristic waffle machine. Its space-age controllers
are very responsive and comfortable (other systems' controllers are dorky-looking and really
annoying to use). It has a CD drive and a cartridge-based terminal. I don't know why we
Something for the
traditionalists..
Christmas Presence
Dec 13-16, 20-23 at Pacific Theatre
Who Kidnapped Santa Claus?
Dec 2-31 at TQ's Musical Comedy Restaurant
Not the Nutcracker: The Prokofiev Dance Project
Dec 14 -16 at the Vancouver East Cultural Centre
by Peter T. Chattaway
This is the last Ubyssey of 1995. On the one hand, this offers some much-welcome relief to those of us who need to learn how to put the 'school' back in 'school-
work.' On the other hand, it means we don't get to do any write-ups on all those
Yuletide productions out there.
Still, one can't ignore the season altogether. So here are a few productions you
might find interesting - if you're on a big nostalgia trip.
For the traditionalists among us, there's Pacific Theatre's Christmas Presence.
Every evening will be unique, but they promise to draw on a rich talent pool includ-
._,. ing local guitarists Allen des Noyers and
Boneman Slim; Celtic harpist Evelyn Loewen;
Georgia Straight cartoonist and sometime actor
Dirk Van Stralen; and readings from the works
of T.S. Eliot, Frederick Buechner, Madeleine
L'Engle, and (of course) Charles Dickens.
TQ's Musical Comedy Restaurant on Granville
Island is putting on Who Kidnapped Santa
Claus?, which is something of a late-WW2 musical revue with, presumably, a bit of a mystery
thrown in for good measure.
And for those who're sick and tired of that
other Russian composer - even he hated his
ballet The Nutcracker - there's a Prokofiev thing
going on at the Cultch. We're not sure just how
Christmassy it is, but if it's Russian, there'll be
snow.
Portugeuse explorers used to take
prisoners with them so they could
toss 'em on newly discovered shores
and see if the locals were cannibals.
The Ubyssey
Friday, December 1,1995 who are about to die salute you!    Musicolumn
LEC^A^ysEGA^!I^ =2)Eun/{ft
would need carts as CDs have obviously better
storage capacities.
My only explanation is that carts don't have
that darned delayed access time that CD drives
often have. Still, I don't really notice the wait
because it isn't really that long and the wait is
accompanied by appropriate muzak.
Unfortunately, there are some potential bad
sides to the Saturn. Firstly, if you think tuition
hikes are going to wipe you out, you may as
well stop reading. The Saturn costs around
$500Cdn. Its games aren't that cheap either;
many of them will be close to $ 100.
Also, the Saturn is not the exception in the
home video-gaming industry; rather, it is the
new standard. The Saturn is comparable with
the Atari Jaguar, the Sony Playstation, the
Panasonic 3D0 and the soon-to-come Nintendo
Ultra 64. The trick now is how well it will fare
against the other machines.
Cartridge specifications:
r
SMOOTH & REALISTIC: So when do we get a Virtua Ballet?
VIRTUA FIGHTER
When I first saw the arcade
version, I didnt think Virtua
Fighterwas that great a game.
After playing the Saturn's version, I can now say that I am a
VF fan. As with other fighter
games, you control a computer
character to fight against another. Unlike other fighter
games, VF puts you in a 3-D
setting. The characters move
with smooth realism. They
arent rendered that badly either, considering that they're
made of polygons. The backgrounds are simple yet
pictoresque and the music is
just pure ecstasy. (Check out
Pai's tune.) Most importantly
the game is fun, to an extent
Fighting games have a tendency to get monotonous because all you do is fight Then
again, if you're tired of fighting in the streets or kombating
mortally, then VFis your game.
Don't forget to get your free
VF-Remlx, a re-rendered version of the original IF you've
registered your Saturn.
Similar stuff: Mortal
Kombat 2, Mortal Kombat 3,
Street Fighter: the Movie,
Virtua Fighter 2.5, X-Men: Children of the Atom, Primal Rage,
Street Fighter Alpha
BUG!
This game has great graphics, great sounds and great
music. Too bad it's such a
crappy game. The character
Bug is an annoying, bombastic little green, well... bug. He's
got wings but he cant fly.
He can jump and plunge his
stinger into enemies. He
can also grab items like a
zapcap to electrocute enemies, or spit wads to, um
spit them into submission.
Bug has no depth in
gameplay and Bug's voice-
actor is just plain annoying.
About the only interesting
thing about Bug/is when he
dies. He explodes or splatters into a green spool
PANZER DRAGOON
A top-notch game that
really shows off the
Saturn's capabilities. In PD,
you pilot a dragon, 3-D
style, in a post-apocalyptic
Earth. You destroy as many
bio-genetic-weapon-creature
things as possible. These creatures see the other wonderful
creatures that this game has
to offer. The scenery is so detailed, you'd almost like to have
a holiday there. And the music
is pure ecstasy. See the
cinematics for the intro;
they're almost worth the price
of the game.
Similar stuff: Daytona
USA, Virtua Cop
WORLD CUP SOCCER
This is by far the most realistic soccer game I've seen.
The players move with frightening 3-D realism (see a trend
here?). You can also change
your points of view which include far, close enough and the
ball's point of view. You can
also choose from two weather
types, rain or fine.
Similar stuff: World Series Baseball, NBA Jam Tournament Edition, NHL All-Star
Hockey
MONO COLOUR
copies
same page     £ (l£CI
RED - GREEN • OR BLUE toner
Auto-fed only. Price includes 81/2 x 11 201b
paper one side only; white or pjstei colours^
We are big on Value,
Quality & Service
224—6225
2nd Floor 2174 W. Parkway
UBC, Vancouver, B.C.
Open 7 days! M-F • 8-9 I S-S •
I
8
■SOC
Pretty and Twisted [WarnerJ
The first time I listened to tide album, I assumed •bout three different
artists, both women and men, were
taking turns with the lead vocals. After rimdlnn the liner notes I discovered
it was afl one artist, former Concrete
Blonde lead Johnette NapotKano.
She disDlavs a fascbtatina ranaeof
musical and vocal styles. 'Mother of Pearl' bears an uncanny
resemblance to Scary Monsters-en Bowie, fte Daddy No'
sounds like a Nine Inch Nails piece fronted by Violent Femmes
lead Gordon Gano. Most of the rest of the album has a softer,
moodier sound, which I found less interesting. Still, some of
these tracks become memorable when NapoUtano sups into a
style which is more Hke uie spoken word than singing (A to Lou
Reed). Overall, this album has more good touches than bad,
prompting me to almost search out those old Concrete Blond
albums I never got around to. - Jetm Kuo
Oysterband — The Shouting End Of Life
[Cooking VinyQ
Imagine, If you wiN, what mixing The Clash (dn» London's
Camng) with The Chieftains would be law. Factor in a little U2
and Big Country, and you might expect to get the Pogues.
Not so. For one thing, singer John Jones'clear vok» sounds
more Hke Justin Hayward than the ateeped-in-too-fiiany-cJge-"
itntoswid-nighte-falllng^
voice of Shane McQowen. For another, Oysterband lacks that
raw, sweating back alley edge. Their sound is too refined, too
reminiscent of maiiuti earn Celtic 'rock hybridization.
Dontgetmewrongt I^Snouulrig find Of l^isafuntUArely,
very danoe-to-eble Utile CD that's easily get you off the couch
, and onto the dance floor, whether you're into Celtic music or
not It even has a few truly memorable songs on ft.'Blood-Red
Roses' comes to mind, or "Our Lady of the Bottles.' To sum up,
thisi*afunCOwhlc*ougMtogodownweftatp
the Ckwnnoss flows with all tbe wild abandon of an ancient Celtic
rakHnu carte oHtaskM Kb wbv throuah the Emniras of Rome.
Enjoy. - Andy the grate
Eric Serrs — Goideneye [Virgin]
It Is truly impossible to describe just how awful this
soundtrack is. WhHe ft?s good to see James Bond back in action, Semi's cheese sMocfc drivel almost ruined the fUm, reflecting as H does such tow ambitions H tent even hatf-assed;
K*tMgBtbeqjuarter-assed.^ca«^
of John Barry's classic Bond scores; 8erradoesnt even bother
to write half-decent generic action music. Ms pretensions of
funk, already out of touch wntt the suave action onscreen, are
consistentiy undercut by tacky synthetic: noises, man opus so
tacking in ayie, one is almost touched by Sera's flirtation with
the classic Bond theme - arranged as a percussion-only piece
-until one suspects it's just the work of a drum machine.
Oddly enough, Tina Turner's theme song (written by U2's
Boi<oahtiTi»e Edge) dares to think ftmkjM
greatness of.Barry's day, but Turner ami no Shirley Bassey. -•
L   ka^.^^BJt    jHj«M,£«A     aTJ^aAabAlAafJfc.  -daUafeattf     aSwfejIaS^Bmaa^- #V^ak^l*1ata^    *aY*       a,AlB^BA^Blatiam*ka,fcia,i,a,fefeAi   O
Omission of WRIT 098D
from Registration Guide
All sections of Writing 098D, Preparation for University Writing
and the LPI, were accidentally omitted from the 1995/96
Registration Guide. These sections, aimed at students with English
as a first language, are running as scheduled, and students may still
register for them through TELEREG. The details are as follows:
Section Catalogue #
01E 34636
05E 56714
704 82061
Day and Time
MWF 8:30
MWF 12:30
W7-10pm
Location
Buch D302
Buch B228
Buch B220
Dates
January 8
January 8
January 17
For details concerning Writing 098B (for students with English
as an additional language), please refer to the last page of the
Registration Guide.
Phone 822-9564 for information regarding
these and other Writing Centre courses.
New courses include Intermediate
Composition, Advanced Composition, Essay
Writing, Report and Business Writing, and
Thesis Writing.
riday, December 1,1995
The Ubyssey sports
Birdmen bounce Huskies in home opener
by Wolf Depner
Strong help from the bench
ensured success for the Birdmen
in their home opener against the
Saskatchewan Huskies last
weekend.
The Birds headed into the
opening weekend of Canada
West play without all-star guard
Ken Morris, who is out with a
broken scaphoid bone in his left
hand.
But after two convincing wins
at home against the Huskies to
open the regular Canada West
season, it's clear the T-Birds are
able to perform just fine without
their leading scorer.
UBC's bench outscored the
Huskies' 68-42, with Brady
"Bunch" Ibbetson replacing
Morris in the starting line-up.
The fourth-year Ibbetson,
sparked the Birds defensively in
their easy 97-71 victory over the
Prairie visitors. With his seven
defensive boards and smart
offensive play, Ibbetson earned
Player of the Game honours and
once again proved his value to
coach Bruce Enns' squad. "He
did a heck of a job [defensively],"
Enns said.
Second-year Curtis Mepham
came off the Birds' bench
Friday night to lead the game
with eighteen points. Starting
guard Dave Buchanan also
impressed spectators with his
inspired "in-your-face" play
and ten points.
Although both teams played
sloppy basketball at times, the
Birds continued to improve
their free-throw shooting,
converting an amazing 90
percent from the charity stripe
Friday and used their size
advantage over the Huskies to
dominate the boards.
While the bench came through
big-time on Friday night, it was
the starters who shone during
Saturday's 102-86 victory. Eric
Buder shot a hot 7-of-9 from the
field to lead and 22 points in 26
minutes of play, while John
Dumont went an impressive 3-
for-6 from three-point range in his
21-point performance. Brady
Ibbetson chipped in another 13
points.
The next item on the Birds'
agenda is a trip to Korea in early
December to take part in the
Korean Invitational Tournament
in Seoul, where Ibbetson will
continue to fill in for Morris. Enns
hopes that Morris will be able to
JOHN DUMONT lays it up for two behind his head.
SCOTT HAYWARD PHOTC
return to the line-up around
Christmas.
While Ibbetson took the
spotlight over the weekend, it will
take more than one player to
replace Morris. "I'll do my role
but all the guys coming off th<
bench have to do their roles a
well," Ibbetson said Friday night
"We all have to step up."
SCOTT HAYWARD PHOTO
mark TINHOLT jumps for the opening tip-off to start UBC's first game
of the season at War Memorial Gym.
University of New Brunswick
Faculty of Education
BEd Concurrent or Consecutive Program
IF YOU WANT TO BECOME A TEACHER
APPLY BY JANUARY 31, 1996
Applications available from:
Registrar's Office
University of New Brunswick
P.O. Box 4400
Fredericton, NB Canada E3B 5A3
Phone: 506-453-4864
Fax: 506-453-5016
(http://cnet.unb.ca/unb/davray/
3W Swrvk, Cl^Uae,
UJlvK-tV^^ ".All*  TJeOrV. I
r
Your Christmas budget by travelling with
Greyhound
Canada*
Greyhound is offering a 10% Student
Discount on bus travel within B.C.
ONEWAY
RETURN
Kamloops
$37.18
$74.37
Kelowna
$41.55
$83.35
Castlegar
$64.52
$177.17
SEE TRAVEL CUTS FOR FULL DETAILS
We are right here on the UBC Campus
Lower Level, Student Union Building
rnRAVELCirrs
The travel company of the Canadian Federation of Students
Bird Watch
UPCOMING EVENTS
Women's Basketball
Friday, Dee. 8, 7:3Q pm
vs Westeni Washington
Saturday, Dec. 9, 7:30 pm
Barbara Rae Cup
vs Simon Fraser
War Memorial Gym
Hockey
Wednesday, Dec. 27, 7:30 pm
vs University of Maine
GM Place
Friday, Dec. 29, 7:30 pm
vs University of Maine
T-Bird Winter Sports Centre
Rugby
Saturday, Dec. 2,2:00 pm
vs Simon Fraser
Saturday, Dec. 9,2:00 pm
vs Meraloma
Wolfson East Field
Swimming
Friday, Dec. 1 - Saturday Dec. 2
vs Richmond Rulers       '
UBC Aquatic Centre       !
The Ubyssey
Friday, December 1,1995 sports
Women basketbirds win pair to even record
by Scott Hayward
UBC trounced the Saskatchewan Huskies twice in their
home opening series last
weekend, raising their season
record to 3-3.
Friday the Birds cruised to a
76-55 win, then continued on to
dominate Saskatchewan Saturday
by a 67-48 margin. Kim Phipps
led the scoring with 39 points
over two nights followed by
Laura Esmail with 26 and a
strong defensive effort.
Friday night the Birds jumped
out to an early lead, which they
steadily built up to double figures.
According to guard Trixie
Cruz, coach Deb Huband "was
really pleased with the way we
played offence and we picked
up the intensity this game,
because in the last two games
the intensity was pretty
lacking." Cruz added, "we've
been 1-3 and struggling."
Cruz, who is one of the
smaller players on the team at
5'6", was flattened on one
occasion in what was a
physically intense game.
"When you're playing physical,
anything like that goes," she
said.
Huband also saw a change in
the defence, which is "causing
some trouble for the other teams
as far as getting into their
offensive sets and doing what
they intend to do offensively," she
said. "Instead, we're dictating
what they can do."
She was particularly impressed
with Esmail. "We matched her
up, for most of the weekend,
against their leading scorer
[Allison Fairbrother]", she said.
"That's their number one player
and they go to her a lot, and she
contained her very well."
"We relaxed a
little bit, and then
when they started
to catch up, we
started to panic
instead of running
a lot of our plays."
—game MVP
Kim Phipps
UBC led by eighteen points at
the half, but began to get
comfortable in the second half
allowing the Huskies to close the
gap to 53-43.
"I think that we knew that we
had the lead and we relaxed a
little bit, and then when they
started to catch up, we started to
panic instead of running a lot of
our plays," said game MVP
Phipps. "We started to force it and
■Sk> <
shoot quickly rather than going
to the plays and running through
our offence."
Phipps stopped the mounting
Husky momentum, scoring off a
rebound on which she was
fouled. She added a point from
the foul line and the three point
play started a nine point T-Bird
run to put them up 62-43. UBC
maintained a wide margin for the
rest of the game which ended
76-55.
Phipps called the game a great
improvement over previous
efforts, but couldn't name any
individual standouts. "I think
everybody played well. It seemed
like everyone was shooting,
everyone was getting their shots,"
she said. "It was a total team
effort."
Saturday's game was much
different than the cakewalk which
took place on Friday. "We didn't
have the same intensity that we
had on Friday night," Huband
said. "It took us probably until the
end of the first half and into the
second half to pick up the
intensity and start to play the way
that we should play."
Saskatchewan led the Birds
until late in the first half, when
UBC pulled ahead to take a five
point lead into the dressing room
at the half. As the second half
progressed, the Birds dominated
the Huskies and eventually stole
a 67-48 victory.
SCOTT HAYWARD PHOTO
JESSICA MILLS—above the crowd, and draining it for two.
■$*i
"wouldn't sire it a second glance.
s  of Tarnish \rorn clean  traTc&Mfh by years   of strumming.
But y0u knOW   it.   It's  a classic. iSBfijjgjpby hand.   And ererj
chord y0u piay   ruwbles like a m
■;■«■!> .!■ j&wu^fc^
le  en & midnight  street.
Friday, December 1,1995
The Ubyssey opinion
Who's been naughty and who's been nice:
Dear UBC students and faculty,
Last night up here in the great white north, Mrs. Claus
and I were chatting over some tofu burgers and fat-free
french fries-how did you think I got this fine figure ?—
when the topic of you fine folks popped up.
Since we're in the giving spirit, we decided to do some
early brainstorming to muster up some gift ideas for the
festive (and not so festive) among you.
Let's start at the top.
Some of my more astute elves took notice of the fine
undertakings of your president and visionary, Doctor
Strangway. Well, I do say! Buildings popping up
everywhere; it's as though they grow on trees down there.
"A Busy Builder Lego set!" Mrs. Claus shouted. "That's
what he needs."
And I couldn't agree more. Happy holidays, Dr.
Strangway.
the
ubyssey
December 1,1995
volume 77 issue 25
The Ubyssey is a fondling member of Canadian University Press.
The Ubyssey is published Tuesdays and Fridays by The Ubyssey
Publications Sodety at the University of British Columbia. Editorial
opinions expressed are those of the newspaper and not necessarily those
of the university administration or the Alma /Water Society.
Editorial Office: Room 241K, Student Union Building,
6138 SUB Blvd., UBC V6T1Z1
tel: (604) 822-2301   fax:(604)822-9279
Business Office: Room 245. Student Union Building
advertising: (604) 822-1654  business office: (604) 822-6681
Business Manager Femie Pereira
Advertising Manager James Rowan
Account Executive: Deserie Harrison
Canada Post Publications Sales Agreement Number 0732141
Charlie Cho stirred. Wah Kee Ting turned off the alarm.
Jenn Kuo blinked her eyes. Matt Thompson yawned. Joe
Clark pushed the covers off his body. Sarah O'Donnell
dangled her legs over the edge of the bed. Peter T.
Chattaway stood up, groggy. Wolf Depner stumbled over
to the desk. Scott Hayward turned off the buzzing alarm.
Ben Koh grabbed a toweL Lucy Shih found her way to the
bathroom. Mike Kitchen got in die shower stall with Ethel
B. Heimlicher. Douglas Hadfield turned on the hot water.
Sam Arnold grabbed the bar of soap. Tessa Moon splashed
her weary shoulders. John Bolton lathered his chest Doug
Quann scrubbed between Ms toes. Sarah Galashan rinsed
herself off Jesse Gelber turned off the shower nozzle.
Matthew Lnmley poshed ihe shower curtain to the side.
Stanley Tromp stepped on the mat Andy Barham dried
himself off with me toweL Chris Nuttall-Smith walked back
to his room. Siobhan Roantree got dressed for the new
y' Editors:
Coordinating Editor: Siobhan Roantree
Copy Editor Sarah O'Donnell
News Editor Matt Thompson
Culture Editor Peter T. Chattaway
Sports Editor Scott Hayward
Acting Production Coordinator Joe Ciark
And to Janice Boyle and her council elves from our
northern family: a case of Pepsi Max. Cheers.
When Mrs. Claus and I took a cooking class on the
Internet this summer, one fine recipe came from the
young men and women at Pie-R-Squared, UBC's pizza
joint extrordinaire. I believe it was called "Hydroponic
Pizza." As a token of our appreciation, we've set aside a
pound of our own North Pole Gold to add to your "wide"
selection of toppings.
Under normal circumstances the Political Science
department at UBC has perhaps the most straight forward
of holiday wishes. The usual is simply a renewal of their
"discrete" magazine service. But suddenly, some weeks
ago we received a note directing the elves to send only
Maclean's magazine in a clear plastic cover. Imagine that!
Makes our job easy as Prancer Pie.
Of course, no Christmas would be complete without
the lip-lock, under-the-Misdetoe antics we all look forward
letters   '
Blotvin9 doesn't
simply blow
Your reviewer dismisses the
Arts Club production of It's
Blowin' Growin' and Glowin' on
Bowen as "goofy, pointless,
boring fluff." Further, she
suggests that the characters
around which the play develops
- a lesbian couple who run the
Come On Inn on Bowen - are a
poor copy of Bill Richardson's
Hector and Virgil, the delightful
brothers and proprietors of the
Bachelor Brothers' Bed and
Breakfast.
With these points I cannot
argue for I have not seen the play.
However, I hope the reviewer
watched the play more closely
than she read Bill Richardson's
book. She is quite wrong to claim
that, "Bill Richardson's inn
features gay male proprietors on
Saltspring."
Hector, for his part, is
decidedly heterosexual,
spending a good deal of time in
the intimate company of Altona
Winkler, the local distributor of
skin care products. Their
relationship is, as Hector puts it,
"comfortable" and there is
"always another moisterizer to
try."
On the other hand, Virgil's
sexuality is wonderfully
ambiguous. According to a
reliable source who attended the
Writers' Festival, Bill Richardson
to. 'Course, we grow the stuff up here, so, in light of the
progressively chilly atmosphere on campus, we decided
to bring down a few bushels-enough to have all of you
young 'uns busy right through 'tilJanuary. Just one thing:
even Santa Claus wears a condom, kids (custom made,
green and red plaid).
Well, Mrs. Claus and I have heap loads to do here;
this list could go on and on, right down to every last one
of you. Don't forget, kids:
I know when you've been sleeping,
I know when you're awake,
I know when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
Happy holidays, and have a wonderful New Year's.
From Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus, and thousands ofmitoticaUy
reproducing elves.
intended Virgil to be an
"asexual" character, content with
his bassoon, flower arranging,
the bed and breakfast guests, and
a life of celibacy.
In addition, Bill Richardson
places the bed and breakfast on
a Gulf Island, but not specifically
on Saltspring. His prologue
tempts the reader by suggesting
that such an establishment really
does exist, but does not disclose
its whereabouts. Somewhat
mischievously he writes, "when
you find it, you will know."
The play set on Bowen may not
be much good, but the book is
magical.
Douglas Harris
5th Year Unclassified
Inmate wants
a penpal
Dear Editor,
Greetings! My name is Sadiki
Van Cleave, I'm a 33 year old
African American male
presently incarcerated on the
Indiana State Prison's Death
Row unit.
I have been incarcerated for
the past 13 years during which
period of time I have lost
virtually all contact with the
outside world. As a result, I am
seeking friendship and
correspondence with all sincere
and serious minded people of
any race, age or gender. I am
writing this letter in the hopes
that you will print it in your
campus newspaper.
My interests include reading,
writing poetry, music, nature and
working out. While I cannot offer
anything in the material world, I
can offer an open heart, a
listening ear and an honest and
amusing friendship. I am very
much in tune with my inner
spiritual self.
Contrary to popular belief, all
men in prison are not cruel,
inhumane and barbaric. I laugh,
hurt, cry and share the same
feelings and emotions as any
human being, a far throw from
being cruel, inhumane and
barbaric.
I am not seeking sympathy or
pity; only friendship, understanding and connection. This
can be a very rewarding experience. All letters are most
welcome and I will answer all.
Anyone interested may write.
Sadiki Van Cleave #21486
I.S.P./DEATH ROW
P.O. Box 41
Michigan City, IN 46361
Write a letter up to
300 words and
bring it to The
Ubyssey editorial
office (241K) with
some photo id.
See your name in
print and be
famous!
Do you want to
avoid insanity and
bad circulation?
Do you find
yourself singing
along to Meat I oaf
songs?
Do you feel like
Meatloaf?
Hey! Get off
your ass and
boogie down to
The Ubyssey —
we need you for
our Vision
meeting.
In order to
promote fresh
silky skin and
luxurious ideas,
The Ubyssey staff
is requesting the
presence of
thinkers.
Come
Wednesdays at
12:30 pm to SUB
241K!
Acting Photo Coordinator Jenn Kuo
LETTERS POLICY:  Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words and are run according to space.
"Freestyles" are opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is time sensitive. Opinion
pieces will not be run unless the identity of the writer has been verified. Please include your phone number, student number and signature (not for publication) as well as your year
and faculty with all submissions. ID will be checked when submissions are dropped off at the office of The Ubyssey, otherwise verification will be done by phone.
10 The Ubyssey Friday, December 1, 1995 opinion
Fact or fiction? The questions
never cease
Fact cause friction; no justice, no
peace!
QUESTIONS: WHO,
WHAT, WHERE, WHEN,
WHY AND HOW?
WHO? Who is this? Black
Jesus? "Is this a joke?" a Jewish
friend queries facetiously, as he
peruses the print of racially
corrected Jesus, proudly in view
from my wall of African acclaim.
uBut He is Jewish!" he remarks,
thinking that he has exposed a
contradiction in my argument.
The Bible provides many logical
points pointing to the Blackness
of the first Israelites. Exodus,
chapter 2 recounts the story of
Moses, Israelite, who passes for
the (Egyptian) Pharaoh's
grandson. The Egyptians of that
time and earliest times were
Black, more detail to come. "I
believe He is dark but not Black"
a Sikh friend comments. The last
view is more liberal than the first
two declarations; however there
always seems to be a big "but"
staring me in the face.
WHAT? What is up? What
prompts Immediate, Ignorant,
and Incensed rebuttal? (Even I
and I attack I) What is behind the
reluctance/ discomfort of so
many to accept or even imagine
that such an important historical,
political, and social entity is
Black. Has eurocentrism, the
precursor of today's racism,
become so deeply ingrained in
our thinking? Sarcasm
intentional. The European
colonizer "justified" the Adantic
Slave Trade to its God-fearing
masses through an erroneous
extrapolation of "Ham's Curse"
(Genesis 9:25). The European
colonizer himself had always
maintained that Ham was Black.
Page 443 of Robert Young's
Analytical Concordance to the Bible
confirms this: "HAM, swarthy,
dark coloured. 1. The youngest
son of Noah, and father of
Canaan. The Egyptian word
^Kem', Egypt = Ham, as an
adjective means "black and
warm'."
WHERE? Where does He
hail from? Jesus (of Bethlehem)
is not from Europe. A Catholic
Black Jesus, this Xmas
(prose version)
Perspective
by Larry Downie
colleague retorts: "Where did
you get that idea from?"
Matthew 2:1,2! Jesus is not from
the western hemisphere. So why
is Christianity not considered an
eastern religion as is Buddhism,
Hinduism, or Sikhism?
HMMM. The book of Matthew
also cites the genealogy of Jesus,
stemming from Abraham "the
progenitor of Hebrews"
confirmed on page 8 of the
aforementioned concordance.
Abraham is a descendant of
Shem, Ham's Black brother.
WHEN? When was His
message of love and integrity
truly received and respected?
When was the Messenger truly
received and respected with love
and integrity? To misrepresent the
true likeness of Jesus (i.e.
displaying a painting of a white
Jesus in a church) is sacrilege;
devoid of love, integrity and
respect for the worshippers and
the Worshipped, believers and
non-believers. Early worshippers
did justice to the message and the
Messenger through their accurate
protrayals ofjesus, preserving his
Black identity. The Black Virgins
(two and three dimensional
depictions ofthe mother of Christ
in France, Italy, Switzerland and
Spain) and the Black Bambino
(young Jesus) of the Church of
Rome have survived history; still
available for scrutiny in Europe.
WHY? "Why does this
matter?" less than sensitive friends
and colleagues plead. An ex-
Catholic friend told me "Jesus
doesn't have a colour!" Funny
how he had a colour when
considered White but not when
considered Black. (Sample this
irony: the politically correct
person will have you know that a
White person is not a person of
colour; a Black person is.) A
Catholic friend tells me that he
will not stop believing in Him if I
prove to this friend that Jesus is
Black. I wouldn't expect him to
change his beliefs. Black Jesus is
no less worthy of worship than a
White one. The crux of this matter
is that truth matters! Truth is
virtue! The centuries old White lie
is in fact not a white lie, but a big
lie!
HOW? How shall we celebrate
Xmas this year? ...Truthfully! Each
one, teach one. Sermon done?
What is the nature of a giggle?
What is it that causes people to
burst into spontaneous gutteral
convulsions, crease their faces and
emit the most dangerously out-of-
control noises this side of an orgasm?
We have a theory. It involves
something called the giggleplex.
Most people are unaware of that
side of them called the giggly. Now
as you all now, a giggly is sort of like
that ball that gets tossed around in
cricket to confuse the batman. And
as you all know, Batman was such a
laughably bad movie that it evoked
just the wrong sort of humour.
But that's not what we're
concerned with here.
Gigglies are very distracting.
Gigglies catch your eye, only to keep
it trapped behind lids that squint
with increasingly delirious glee.
Gigglies drive us nuts. And it is
impossible to escape them, for they
are all about us. Particularly in late-
night environments on a campus
loaded with substances of unknown
portent and sleep-deprivation tactics
forced on us by professors who know
we'll never darken the door at Main
Library until 2 days before our
paper's extension due date.
It is this synthesis of forces, this
synergistic maelstrom of cataclysmic
agents, that buffs us off the path-
beaten for us by the anti-gigglies.
You know the anti-gigglies. Stern
suited blockheads weaned on lemon
juice and treated to numerous carrot
enemas in their youth. People so
disapproving of life that they
become caricatures of themselves.
Without knowing it, they become
fuel for the giggly sprites who dwell
among us.
And they do. Dwell, that is. And
among us, too. Nasty litde critters.
Giggleplexes
Vortex
by Ethel B. Heimlicher
And yet they are what keep this life
bearable - sometimes. At other
times they're damned annoying. A
man smiles just the right way - and
it doesn't get any righter if he's
giggling - and suddenly you're a
goner. Life suddenly adopts a rigid,
narrow stream of possible meanings.
And without wanting to, you're
giggling along. Encouraging the
giggling, even going out of your way
to make him giggle some more.
It's disgusting. Life is always
complicated by the things that make
it worthwhile. But once you've had
a taste of the gigglies, you can never
go back. You watch the giggly,
thinking you know where it's bound,
then suddenly it banks and crashes
right through you before altering its
course yet again.
It's a perplexing dilemma. And
that's why it's called the giggleplex.
GLBUBC PRESENTS
czrfil c^fboaxd
\
A PARTY ON THE WATER
DEC 3RD 9:00-11:00
BOARDING 830
TICKETS $20
INC. TWO DRINKS
TKKtTS f ROM M TICKETMHSM
DAY!: 228-2507. DREMMER@UND%.UBC.CA
Strange days on campus, these
days...
For those of you who thought
University faculties could be
easily subdivided along political
lines, think again. At one time,
Engineering was widely reputed
to be the bastion of an arch,
fundamental conservatism.
Science also tended to the right,
but with more moderation, while
Arts was widely viewed as the
stronghold of left wing thinking.
(You know, socialism,
communism, anarchy, all that
stuff your parents warned you
about, along with the dangers of
fallen   women,   fallen   men,
Arts Nazis
Freestyle
by Andy Barham
Mazola corn oil, rubber sheets,
and self pollution, just before you
set off for those fabled halls of
academe.)
On the modern campus, some
of these political scenarios at least,
appear to have been reversed.
Consider, for a moment, if you
will, the McEwen Report, and all
that that whole sorry debacle
represents. In amove reminiscent
of the Canadian Airborne's 'wall
of silence', the Faculty of Arts
closed ranks around the whole
issue, branding McEwen, her
report, and any students remotely
involved with it as motivated
almost solely by 'political
correctness.' This particular label,
which the neo-left once used to
poke fun at its more ardent
members, seems innocuous
enough. More recently it has
come to represent, at least in the
minds of neo-conservatives, left-
wing intolerance.
These neo-conservatives
allude to so-called political
correctness as the antithesis of
western democracy's cherished
ideals of free speech. Hence,
students whose points of view
differ from those of the neo-
conservatives, have been tarred
with such emotive labels as 'Red
Guard Maoists.' It does indeed
seem strange that this is all
occurring in the Faculty of Arts,
once widely viewed as the
stronghold of left-wing idealism.
As a Science major, I have,
naturally, come into contact with
many members ofthe Faculty of
Science, and I must confess, that
the majority of Science Faculty
members I've talked to tend
towards the Left side of the
political spectrum. Such left
tendencies, of course, vary from
moderate liberal-social
democratic thinking, a la the
NDP, to far-left Green socialism.
For all I know, there may even
be a few anarchists and eco-
feminists in the faculty. It
wouldn't surprise me.
It certainly represents, on the
modern campus, a reversal of
those old political boundaries,
once so characteristic of
Canadian universities. If the
trend continues, who knows, but
that, one day we may expect to
see the Faculty of Engineering
become the last bastion of world
communism, in a university
where brown-shirted Arts profs
goose step around the campus
carrying banners with slogans
like 'Artsies for Jesus' and 'Don't
Tread On Me!' Even Kurt
Vonnegut Jr. couldn't have
dreamed this one up.
Ca$h back
for your
used
Bring your used textbooks to the UBC Bookstore
and get CASH BACK! Softcover or hardcover
course books, we will buy all current edition titles
having a resale market value.
BUYBACK AT BOOKSTORE
December 11-20, 1995
Weekdays 9:00am - 4:30pm
Saturday 10:00am - 4:30pm
January 2-5, 1996 8:30am - 4:30pm
January 6, 1996 10:00am - 4:30pm
January 8, 1996 9:00am - 4:30pm
BUYBACKS AT RESIDENCES
ALL THESE BUYBACKS ABE 5:00PM - 7:00PM
Totem Park Tues. December 12, 1995
Tues. January 2, 1996
Place Vanier
Gage Towers
Acadia/Fairview
Wed. December 13, 1995
Wed. January 3, 1996
Thur. December 14, 1995
Thur. January 4, 1996
Fri. December 15, 1995
Fri. January 5, 1996
Mu
UBC BOOKSTORE
6200 UNIVERSITY BLVD, VANCOUVER, B.C., V6T 1Z4
TEL 604/ 822 2665 UBC-BOOK • FAX 604/ 822 8592
Friday, December 1,1995
The Ubyssey
11 Season's Greetings
Wreath of deceit: The Santa Claus Conspiracy
by Kelley Jo Burke
Damn. That Elvis could sing
anything. Listen to that rendition
of WeThree Kings of Orient Are.
Some kid in the waiting-for-Santa
line is asking that enduring
question, "What's frankincense?"
A business-like elf hurries the
little inquirer along. Santa is really
beat, and there's a queue of kids
from Santa's mailbox right up to
the candy cane chair itself.
Santa's got to make the kid sit,
smile, get the $3.50 ($7.50 for the
double family package) photo,
and send the little dear over the
magic bridge back to their
moronically grinning parents.
It's a living.
The reception elf says there isn't
much in the way of qualifications
required for Santa Clausing.
"You have to look good,
remember the kids' names, be
able to sit forever."
She's interrupted. A young
woman has decided Santa is not
all he's cracked up to be, and is
making for a spinning Teddy bear
in the heart of the display.
So Christmas is commercialized. That's no big
revelation. Half the Christmas
specials on television are about
Christmas having the life sucked
out of it by the evil forces of
capitalism, only to be resurrected
by a true believer.
How the grinch stole Christmas
saw a miracle on 34th street
involving Rudolph the red-nosed
snowman, and now he and Santa
Claus are coming to town bringing
joy to the world (with special guest
Julie Andrews)... There's so many
reaffirmations ofthe holiday spirit,
they have to start running the
suckers the day after Remembrance Day.
But Christmas brings more
than the loss of eternal truths to
the children.
Look at these letters:
Dear Santa,
I would like a gas powered plane,
a Battle Damaged X-Wingfighter, a
walkie/talkie, and please remember
that we're going to be in Maui again
for Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Jimmy - I'm 6 years old.
The hand-to-hand combat is
►tWK*^,
GKEHT
LUNCH
SPECIAL
$295
&Upi
CM EAT
Dinner
Book Your Christmas and
'New Year's Party Now!
FREE POP lor parties over 6
739-4888
817 WEST BROADWAY - PARKING AT REAR
limited in Maui, but this kid wants
to be prepared.
Dear Santa,
I would like:
- a toy ironing board
- a Bye-Bye Diapers Doll
- a Easy Bake Oven
- a new dress
- a Little Kitchen dishes set
Love, Madeline
This one's already for
Tupperware parties, and PTA
meetings.
Everybody knows that ironing
a stack of clothes, washing dishes,
and changing shitty diapers is the
funnest thing in the whole world
for a girl to do. Just ask Madeline's
mom. Maddy is, by the way, just
four years old.
These are all real letters from
Park Royal's Santa mailbox. His
elf explains that after the choice
letters have been displayed, the
requests will be tabulated by the
mall administration, and the
marketing information gleaned
will be distributed to the mall
merchants. This beats the hell out
of expecting Santa to remember
what the kids ask him for.
If that seems a litde devious,
taking the earnest scribblings of
children under false pretences,
and turning the secrets they reveal
into weapons of advertising,
remember, Christmas can make
or break a business. There are no
rules when there's only 12
shopping days 'til Christmas.
When it
does work,
and Mom and
Dad cough up
the cash (Sorry
kids, you had
to find out
sometime;
there is no
Santa Claus). The toy mer chants
then have the funds to buy better
reindeer and rag dolls. And it starts
over again at the "Everything you
wanted and didn't get for
Christmas" sale on December 27.
It's just that in the whole merry
process, kids may have learned
things their parents never
intended them to.
Now that seems like a really
grinchy note to end with. After all,
those Christmas trees topped by
little E.T.s with the flashing eyes
are kind of heartwarming. So put
your feet up and listen to Elvis. He
can really wail White Christmas
as well. Eat your heart out Bing.
Merry Christmas.
This is an excerpt of an article that
ran in the December 9, 1982 issue of
The Ubyssey.
J^J,   iisA-Au^-.  jl^^rW&A
s6W
fas**- /
<&n*s£
-J^s( CAAs
6*s?L<nj^
/&.
yuur <r* ^r??ui.
for^M^ A*& Z**~-
■   / jfajt^Cztr
jJLks / Js*&t d&AZjLtC
~>**t
/OrttsCfit-    ot/jLt^c
Levis
'J^w^st&r^.
12
The Ubyssey
Friday, December 1,1995

Cite

Citation Scheme:

        

Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics

Share

Embed

Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                        
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            src="{[{embed.src}]}"
                            data-item="{[{embed.item}]}"
                            data-collection="{[{embed.collection}]}"
                            data-metadata="{[{embed.showMetadata}]}"
                            data-width="{[{embed.width}]}"
                            async >
                            </script>
                            </div>
                        
                    
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:
http://iiif.library.ubc.ca/presentation/cdm.ubysseynews.1-0128791/manifest

Comment

Related Items