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The Ubyssey Oct 29, 2004

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THIS ISSUE:
CIS Musical chairs
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Hailowe'ening shows
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No clubs? no problem
Pa rents having sex
Pase-ic.;.^
Volume 86 Issue 15'
magazine
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APARTMENT with a view of the
Sheraton Wall Centre courtyard, spacious
living room with Persian carpeting, ere.
$600+ covers maintenance fees. Call
Medhi & 604.926.6860
eruices
UBC FOOD COOP PRESENTS
SPROUTS, a student run, not for profit
cooperative grocery store. Find snacks,
fresh produce, ready-made- meals, baked
goods and more on the lower level of the
SUB. Open 11-6 Monday to Friday.
iffiCTffinrm^rimgia
ESL TUTOR. Experienced, professional
English teacher - good knowledge of
business, grammar can help you
streamline learning, edit papers. 604
224-9383.
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students and allies. Visit
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MEETING NEW PEOPLE? Snowbus,
Vancouver's newest Whistler bound bus
service is looking for enthusiastic,
outgoing people to make up our
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Please e-mail your resume by November
3rd to Emma at snowclubteam@yaJhoo.ca
visit us on the web at www.snowclub.ca
To place an Ad or Classified,
call 822-1654 or visit SUB
Room 23 (Basement).
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UBC
UNIVERSITY     OF    BRITISH     COLUMBIA
Campus & Community Planning
Public Meeting
You are Invited to attend a public meeting to view and comment on a
minor urban design amendment to the Theological Neighbourhood Plan.
A minor increase in Institutional land use is proposed from
approximately 38,210 ft2 to approximately 41.885 ft2 and a related
reduction in non-useable residential land-use designation on Lot 39.
*;.•>■*■••
Unrveraity      *."T ; ~     lot 39   O
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# 3
1 ^^uic Campus
Date:    Monday, November 1, 2004
Time:    5:00 p.m. — 7:00 p.m.
Place:   St. Marks College, 5935 Iona Drive
For directions to St Marks College, please visit: www.maps.ubc.ca. Free Parking will
be available on-site. More development application information is on the Campus &
Community Planning (C&CP) website: www.planning.ubc.ca/corebus/devapps.html
Questions: Usa Colby, Manager Development Services, C & CP
e-mail: lisa.colby@ubc.ca
This event is wheelchair accessible. For more information about assistance for
persons with disabilities, e-mail rachel.wiersma@ubc.ca.
&
PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
Putting themselves first
UBC women's golf aims to win
thei
dch
r second championship in a row
hi
by Eric Szeto
SPORTS EDITOR
In order to be successful in golf
you need two things: patience and
a set of clubs. Unfortunately for
Morgan Lederhouse, co-captain of
the UBC women's golf team, she
was missing the latter.
Somebody had stolen her
clubs.
'They were my babies/ said
Lederhouse. 'I wanted to find [the
thieves] and tell them how much
agony they were putting me
through because this wasn't fun.
It wasn't a fun experience.*
Lederhouse even had names
for them.
'My driver was my baby. My
three-wood was my little baby/
said Lederhouse.
But Lederhouse hasn't let the
loss slow her down. She and co-
captain Jana Haggins have been
busy preparing to defend the
women's golf NAIA championship.
In the Vikes tournament earlier this month, the women's golf
team placed first amongst seven
teams. Haggins and Lederhouse
were both tied for fourth in the
tournament and were crucial to
UBC's win.
Chris MacDonald, who is in his
fourth year coaching the women's
golf team knows that if there is to
be any hope of winning a second
straight championship, he will
have to rely heavily on the play of
SIGHTS SET ON SUCCESS: UBC co-captains Morgan Lederhose
and Jana Haggins keeping an eye on another national championship and on their golf clubs,  nic fensom photo
his two stars.
'They're our co-
captains and
they're the leaders
of the team. A great
deal of our success
rests    on    them/
"You have to
think long term
though...the
explained  MacDo    results Will COHie
nald.
-it s always im eventually and
portant  especially     -.        ,     .,
in a team game you   tliat S llOW yOU
y™rybesr^ayels   SW motivated."
playing their best/
MacDonald
also commends
them on their
mental toughness;
something, which
he says, separates
them from the rest
of the division.
"They know how to refocus if
they have a bad hole and put posi
tive energy on the next shot/ said
MacDonald. 'I think that translates into their whole game
because you develop a certain confidence in themselves and it
allows them to
play better/
That confidence
has certainly shown in their results
so far this season.
In the fi-rst three
tournaments
Haggins has finished in the top ten
three times. Lederhouse has alsop
laced strongly, fin-
Women's Golf   ishing in both the
top   ten   and   top
twenty.
According to Haggins, yourfrus-
trations won't get to you if you
focus your mind on something else.
—Morgan
Lederhouse
co-captain
'It's a lot about the mental
game. On the days I play well I
just have the right mentality...!
just try to think about other things
and get distracted in between
holes/ explained Haggins. 'Sometimes I have a song in my head
but I really like pretty courses
because I get to look around/
Lederhouse thinks about the
bigger picture.
'Occasionally you'll see me out
there almost snap a putter in
half...but I've never snapped a
club over a tree. Occasionally [profanities are] muttered under my
breath but I don't think anyone in
the next hole has heard me say
anything/ said Lederhouse. 'You
have to think long term
though...the results will come
eventually and that's how you
stay motivated/
Haggins and Lederhouse, and
the rest of the women's golf team,
play next in the Cal-Poly SLO invitational on November 6. ♦
Fourth is better than
fifth
The men's golf team played in the
Sleep Inn and Suite Classic down
in Oklahoma this past week.
After the first day of competition, UBC was first in the overall
standings. The T-Birds dropped
down the second day and finished
fourth in the tournament.
Sophomore Blake Rowe-
Sleeman placed second in the
tournament shooting a 66 and 71,
finishing 3-under for the tournament.
Super duper
Two players from UBC soccer
were named Canada West Players
of the week.
Mid-fielder Heather Smith was
the female player of the week for
her phenomenal play last weekend. She scored four goals during
their game against the Huskies.
She leads Canada West with 10
goals.
Forward Steve Deblasio was
awarded the Canada West male
athlete of the week for his superb
four-goal performance against
Sasketchewan last week. ♦
I
I
'.:
i; PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
magazine
3
Double resignation leads to GSS shakeup
New executives
appointed at
council meeting
by Sarah Bourdon and
Dan McRoberts
NEWS EDITORS
Two Graduate Student Society
(GSS) executives have resigned
their positions, citing the need to
spend more time on academics as
the basis for their decision.
President Carey Hill and VP
Academic/External Josh Caulkins
both announced their resignations
at the October 21 meeting of the
GSS council. The fact that their resignations came on the same day
was not planned, said Caulkins.
"It was pretty much just by
coincidence. [Carey] beat me to the
punch. She mentioned it about
three weeks before council at an
executive meeting...the same time
that I was planning to discuss it,"
said Caulkins. "So I had to go and
reevaluate...To have two of us
resign is a serious challenge for
the rest of the executive."
Caulkins, who is a full time
graduate student, works as a TA
and sits on several committees,
was finding the position to be
more work than he expected this
year. He has been on the GSS executive since February 2003.
"I guess I didn't realise the
degree to which I would be
required. In fact, if I had known
then what I know now, I wouldn't
have run. But I don't, regret anything," he said. "It took me a lot of
thinking to decide to resign. If I
stayed it would not be fair to the
_^M
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ON TIME FOR CLASS: Josh Caulkins will have more time for school after resigning from his position as VP Academic/External for the
GSS executive. GSS President Carey Hill also resigned,  nic fensom photo
students of UBC."
Though he will no longer be on
the GSS executive, Caulkins plans
to continue involvement with the
society.
"I'll do what I can, but really I
need more time on my studies," he
said. "Academics come first and
when anything starts to get in the
way of that, it becomes a time to
re-evaluate your priorities."
Last Thursday's meeting saw
some debate about the best course
of action for replacing the executive members who were leaving,
with some present suggesting
there should be a new election,
said Caulkins.
However, based on the amount
of time involved in organising and
running an election it was decided
that it would be best to vote within
the council to replace the executives.
The council appointed current
VP Student Services Yashar Kha-
lighi as the new president to
replace Carey Hill. Phil Orchard,
the Assistant to the Executive, was
named as the new VP Academic/
External to replace Caulkins.
The council felt the best option
would be to appoint people for
the vacant positions immediately
instead of holding an election that
could leave the positions vacant
for weeks, said Orchard.
"Unfortunately, our constitution is fairly vague when it comes
to the president resigning. It was
essentially up to the executive to
firstly decide if we wanted to take
it to an election or have council
appoint.people," he said. "The con
stitution is quite clear in that the
sort of default option is that council appoints, and given the fact
that there were only approximately four to five months left in the
terms then that would be better
than going to an election because
that would have taken us five
weeks."
A vote of two-thirds was required to allow new executives to
be appointed in the meeting. The
vote was 20 for, 10 against.
"I don't think there were that
many people interested in taking
it to an election at council, they
just wanted a clarification of
what options were available," said
Orchard.
Changing over to his new role
as GSS President on November 1,
Khalighi said he is optimistic that
the society will continue to operate
smoothly.
"I look at it as a big responsibility and as a big opportunity," said
Khalighi, referring to his new
position as president. "There are
both sides."
Hill and Caulkins will definitely
be missed, he said, but added that
the council is confident that the
decision to fill vacant executive
seats will allow the society to continue to effectively serve students,
said Khalighi.
"What was important for all of
us was to have a working organisation," he said. "We wanted this to
have the least effect on the functions of the GSS."
Outgoing GSS President Carey
Hill was awav and not available for
comment. ♦
First Week rings in
Weather dampens
financial returns/
says coordinator
by Dan McRoberts
NEWS EDITOR
almost
000 over
The Alma Mater Society's (AMS) annual
First Week will cost the student society
$27,347 more than expected and mother
nature is to blame, according to First Week
coordinator Alison Atkinson.
In total, the AMS will spend approximately $76,300 on First Week 2004 instead
of the $48,863 they had designated for the
event.
Addressing AMS council Wednesday,
Atkinson cited the torrential rain that
soaked the "Big Cool Concert* on September
10 as the primary reason for the
differential.
"Had it not rained on Friday, First Week
would have come in on budget," said Atkinson. "I know it sounds like a wild statement, but we are pretty confident."
Only 580 people paid at the gate to
attend the waterlogged event, a far cry from
the typical 3,000, Atkinson said.
AMS VP Finance Stacey Chiu agreed with
Atkinson's explanation.
"When you break down the expenses...
it's quite clear that it can be attributed to the
Friday event," said Chiu.
"I think there's always a risk when you
put on big events like this...If it had been
sunny it very well could have been the other
way around."
First Week has been an official AMS
event since 2001 and has gone over budget
each year, Chiu said.
In 2003, $55,663 was budgeted for the
week-long welcome party, but this year the
AMS reduced that figure substantially after
mandating that a more cost-effective event
be planned.
"We were planning for a slightly more
conservative First Week, but clearly this
wasn't conservative enough for what happened," said Atkinson.
Beyond the dismal attendance for the
main concert, another area that contributed
to the loss was the lack of sales of all-event
wristbands, a new method of ticketing introduced this year.
The coordinators had anticipated selling
2,000 of the $10 wristbands but only sold
1,000 by the end of the week, Atkinson said,
recommending that the AMS reconsider the
ticketing strategy.
"Do offer wristbands but don't rely on it
for major revenue," she told council.
Members of the AMS council raised
concerns that the AMS Welcome Back
Barbeque, held on September 17, was competing with the First Week concert for the
same audience. That event is also likely to
register a loss, according to Chiu.
"Attendance was down about 50 per cent
from last year so I'm expecting that there
will be a loss with that as well," she said.
The AMS will likely tap into their conti-
gency fund to cover the First Week losses
and has started the process of evaluating
the   year-opening   events   it   organises,
said Chiu.
"We need to evaluate if this is a risk that
we think we should take. And if not then
maybe looking at different events to have,
maybe combining events and coming up
with a solution," she said.
"We will probably start having these discussions within the next month or so and
come up with solid recommendations for
the next executive." ♦
Knitting for choice
Pro-choice students gathered outside the Party Room in the Student Union
Building onThursday for a "knit-in" to oppose the message of anti-abortion
speaker Denise Mountenay, founder of the Canada Silent No More campaign.
The knit-in participants sat outside during the talk to support a woman's choice
to have a safe abortion, nic fensom photo 4
PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
Write for tile Ubyssey and you too can
do groundbreaking investigative
reporting.
News Meetings
Tuesday lpin
Room 24, SUB
THEUBYSSEY
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OFFICIAL
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The VSO Access Pass—the Hottest Student Ticket Deal in town!
Goodall charms
young audience
by Rosanne Sia
NEWS WRITER
It took Jane Goodall mere seconds
to captivate her audience.
Beginning her lecture with a
chimpanzee 'pant hoot* greeting,
the famed naturalist spoke last
Friday at UBC's
Norm Theatre
as part of a
youth conference organised
by the Spirit
Bear Youth Coalition and the
Roots and Shoots club.
Addressing
high school students from across the province on the environment and conservation, GoodalTs
message was one of respect for all
animals, a category that includes
humans, she emphasised.
'We are part of the animal kingdom, not separated from it...We
should be so excited because this is
an amazing kingdom/ she said.
Goodall has long faced criticism
for this view. When she began
studying chimpanzees in the 1960s,
the scientific world refused to
accept that chimpanzees had personalities.
GoodalTs insistence on naming
the   chimpanzees   and   speaking
GOODALL
about ttheir emotions and ability to
reasoiu helped revolutionise the
field off primatology.
The naturalist handed out criticisms of her own on Friday,
discussing human ignorance of
the way we affect the natural environment.
"I tfcunk you all know we're not
doing a very good job being stewards oia this planet/ she said. "We
just go on and on without thinking
about what we're doing to mother
nature,..This is really a tragedy/
Goodall is passionate about
uniting people to confront this
problem.
"It is very important for each of
us, once we feel...inspiration, to
take it and share it/ she said.
GoiodalTs  message  struck  a
chord with her audience.
"Heir brain is so...different from
the regular person's/ said Christy
Jut, a grade 12 student from New
Westminster. "It's more inspiring
than most conferences/
Another grade 12 student, Susan Keely, agreed. "It makes you
want too go out there and do something/
At iDie end of the conference,
Goodall told the audience to stand
up and hold hands.
"Do you see how we're growing?" she asked.
"Do you feel the energy? Do you
feel the; strength?" ♦
Chavez lecture generates debate
by Matt Hayles
NEWS WRITER
A UBC professor's lecture on
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
drew a critical response from some
in the audience last Wednesday at
UBC Robson Square.
Maxwell Cameron, a professor
of political science, presented
Chavez as an intelligent and charismatic political figure who has managed to keep his regime afloat
through a combination of populist
idealism, a recent influx of oil
money, and manipulation of the
constitution.
First elected president of
Venezuela in 1998, Chavez is one
of South America's most controversial political figures. So far he has
survived two elections, three general strikes and a coup attempt in
2002 that managed to keep him
from power for three days.
On August 15 he managed to
cobble together 59 per cent of the
vote and defeat an attempt to
recall him.
Cameron said that there is a general feeling among Venezuelans that
Chavez is fighting the rich minority
whom they perceive as exploiting
their country's rich oil resources.
Directly elected by the people, he
uses his mandate as justification for
bypassing parliament.
"Chavez's legitimacy is plebiscitary, not procedural," said Cameron. "He believes his legitimacy
comes directly from the people on
behalf of whom he speaks."
Members of the audience disagreed with Cameron's belief in
popular support for Chavez.
"He has ruined the country,
there's more corruption now than
ever/ said Pilar Vilanova, who
came to Canada from Venezuela
with her husband, who was seeking
a doctorate.
Another attendee refused to
comment, saying that she feared
repercussions for her family back
in Venezuela.
Professor Cameron recognised
that the rule of law was quite weak
in the icountry, and admitted that
Chavez had certainly propagated
some questionable policies.
But Cameron maintained that
the situation is not simple enough
for outright condemnation, and
that tbe opposition parties were
doing ifar worse. The three-day
coup iw April 2002 was accompanied by the closure of the National
Assembly and dismissal of the
Supreme Court.
"Botlh. sides can be accused,
rightly, of violating the constitution/ said Cameron.
Oil money certainly plays a large
part in Chavez's grip on power.
Venezuela is the fourth largest supplier of oil to the US, and one of the
top five exporters in the world.
A recent report in The
Economist commented that the
surge in oil prices gave Chavez a
key advantage in the recall vote as
he directed the surplus revenue
into local schools, projects and
public works.
Cameron noted that this windfall wom't last forever.
"Chavez has to start building a
party base/ he said.
For now, it seems that Chavez
has maintained his mandate for a
top-down overhaul of the
Venezuelan political system,
Cameron said.
With elections looming in 2006,
howeveir, Cameron wonders if the
changes; Chavez has made will survive thear progenitor.
"The biggest challenge for the
Chavistai government is how to insti-
tutionaliise the changes/ he said. ♦ ^1
PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
NEWS
the,yjbfssef magazine
5
Healthy plan "sustainable"
for first time
The AMS/GSS Health and Dental
Plan has reached the "break even"
point for the first time since its
inception in 2000, the plan's
provider told the AMS Council
Wednesday.
"Both the health and dental
sides are now at a sustainable level
so that the benefits paid out-match
the premiums/ said Graham Senft
of www.studentcare.net/works/ in
presenting the annual report to
council.
"If all goes as planned, we will
have balanced renewal/ he said.
For 2003-2004, only 85 per cent
of all health plan funds were paid
out in claims. The AMS/GSS plan
has to have no more than 88 per
cent of funds paid out in order to
break even. In previous years, this
"incurred loss ratio* has been in
the 90s, Senft said.
With the reduced loss ratio,
there is the possibility of increasing
services covered by the plan or
reducing premiums, according to
the annual report.
A seven per cent reduction in
the value of prescription drug
claims was cited as the reason for
the improved loss ratio. The
decrease is due to the impact of BC
Fair PharmaCare, a provincial program that provides extensive coverage of prescription drug costs. ♦
reme
CBC's Montrea
Matters festivals
largest-ever
poutine, ,7so warm
goodness" uses
over 40 litres of
gravy, 300 pounds
of potatoes
by Dave Weatherall
CUP QUEBEC BUREAU CHIEF
MONTREAL (CUP) - It was a nutritionist's worst nightmare: 40 litres
of gravy, 22 kilograms of cheese
curds and 300 pounds of potatoes
cut up and fried—all assembled to
produce the largest poutine ever
made.
As part of the CBC's ongoing
Montreal Matters festival, whose
theme this year is food, Mai-son-
neuve magazine organised the
event to serve free poutine and a
poetry reading about the legendary
meal at—where else?—La Belle
Province on Saint-Laurent street.
"There was talk at the office
recently about having a poutine
party at a lodge-and combining it
with mud wrestling/ said Poppy
Wilkinson, managing editor at
Maisonneuve, who was on hand to
host the event. "But the mud
wrestling part of that idea was
scrapped and today we decided we
would just allow people to come
out and show their love for poutine, something that is very much a
OLD FASHIONED GOODNESS: La Belle Province employee MikeTarantilis adds the finishing touches
to the largest poutine ever.The poutine was assembled in a large trough. Possible reasons for creating
the poutine: provincial pride, compensation, or severe mass-boredom, dave weatheralucup photo
part of Quebec culture."
One of the people on hand to
enjoy a little piece of the gooey culture was Daryn Didyk, a sociology
student at McGill University. He
said that nothing in Vancouver,
where he's from, measures up to
Montreal poutine.
"You can get it at McDonald's,
but honestly, that stuff makes me
to want to puke, and they're cheap
on the cheese curds/ he said.
Liz So, another sociology student from McGill, was also on
hand to enjoy and sample the free
poutine, but confessed La Belle
Province isn't her favourite poutine joint. "I like LaFleur's better,"
she said between mouthfuls. "But I
think I could do without the
cheese; I like it with just gravy,
fries, ketchup and mayonnaise."
La Belle Province employee
Mike Tarantilis said staff at the
greasy spoon had been working
since eight o'clock in the morning,
preparing the record-setting poutine. They began by lining a seven-
foot by three-and-a-half-foot sort of
trough with aluminum foil and
filled it with fries, then added the
cheese curds and, finally, ladled
the 40 litres of steaming gravy
all over.
"It's nice to see so many people
here to enjoy it," said Tarantilis.
"It'd be a shame to just throw it
away, or have to it eat it ourselves."
Poutine started almost 50 years
ago at a little restaurant in Warwick, called the Lutin qui Rit when
owner Fernand Lachance, who
passed away earlier this year,
acquiesced to his customer Eddy
Lanaisse's request to combine
cheese curds with fries in a bag.
Lachance later opened another
restaurant and served the fries and
cheese on a plate, with a sauce on
the side that his wife created.
"It's just so warm goodness,"
said Didyk. "It's perfect for when
it's cold outside." ♦
»a'i*.
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JIMMY EAT WORLD
JIMMY EAT WORLD are back with their
brand new album - a gorgeous/ sprawling new
album that ranges from epic ballads to ambitious
hard rock including the first single "Pain".
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ENTER TO WIN 1 off 3 prize packs:
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\sm «* m*
by Eurassia Adamson
VAMPIRE EATER
Onoe upon a tin e there lived.a little girlnam ed Jason .Jason wasnotaprettygirl,ora sm art
girl, butshe en j>yed in m ersing herself in books to m ake herself feelsom ewhatintelligent
Besides, everyone w as too afraid to be her friend because she had a m oustache. She w as six
years old.
Little J&son was skipping along in her neon-green knee-highs and pink corduroy :pcket
one day, when die cam e across a dead bloody squirrel on the floor. Jkson, w ifh the aggressive testosterone levels in her bloodstream atwork, took up a stick and poked the squirrel
in the head. It started twitching. Taken aback, die in m ediately started beating the squirrel
with the stick in herm om entof terror.
A iter the finalm ush of the squirrel's brains leaked out onto the can ent the twitching
slow ly cam e to a halt. Little J&son w as relieved, butrightaw ay she noticed son ething m iss-
ing. The squirrelhad three legs. D id die whip a leg off son ewhere? W as this som e natural
three-legged ania alphenom enon?
J&son didn 'thave m uch tin e to ponder the m angled handicapped squirrel because she
noticed the eyes slow V opening. Those little, beady eyes. She did the natural thing, and beat
itover the head w ifh. the stick onoe m ore. But the eyes wouldn't close. Then, a paw started
to twitch. Those little, beady paws. Horrified, she took one of her thickestbooks firm her
m anpurse, threw itonto the teped squirrel, and hopped on w ifh her cute M aiy J&nefe. Up,
.down,up, down ..she began jjm ping on the book. Slow Vat first, then wilh rigour. After all
thatwas one freaky rodent
Ten m inutes feter, she started beoom ing exhausted and stopped stom ping on the book.
She looked down. All die could see was the fluffy bushy tail appearing frcm£^d^t&a^
.Russian history novel, War and Peace. After a long vapid stare, she determ
: the bloody book and ran away, eyes closed until die reached the CDm^_
arriving back hem e, die threw the book into the kitchen sink (because Wr^"
thing), watched TV, ate dinner, and went to bed. Goodnight Little vBsco-..   s
Thenextm oming,Jkson'sM an walked into J£tson's room , threw thebcpk^^L^^.^..,,
and walked outgrum bling. Little Jkson sleepiV lifted her head, and. upon seeing the SQ&3teri;
relm urdering book, jum ped ou tof her car-shaped bed. She crouched in a 33tihdryfill^i&3^~;
her of her room , not know ing w hat to do. fit's jist a book...it's jast a book. But there "wits''
-som ething dlfferentaboutthe book thatm oming,m ostly because this is a horror story and
fthe author is trying to create suspense.
«r> Little J&son slow !/• w alked tow ards the big book, lifting itup in her an allhairy hands. She
■"" a burning desire to open it She had read the book several tin es already, so whatwas
„.   flnsaitthatday? Gracing her hands over the aover, she feltsam ething iim py inside.
|£CShe opened the book. And insade, was the m issmg fourth leg.
Iv^Screeni ing, die turned the page on^ to find two little hairy ears. She closed the book in
^toi^im'-ent Holding the book under her arm , out fell three skinny legs. She opened the
Mook again, and outdropped a head.Little Cfeson slam m ed the book shutand threw itatthe
^^l^jjstin tin e to watch two Tittle beady eyes fallto the ground frcm the pages. Those lit-
*||e, beady eyes.
f^Jiistwhen itoouldntgetany m ore unesplainabV terrifying, the book started shaking.
i5^fc3e..L&son looked at the floor and all the parts were tw itching in unison. A shrill wind
slam m ed the bedroom door shut Itals»^^S^€3^ff the lights and closed the blinds.
Little girl J&son w as never seen a^Mife^^^i visither room , w hich herjgriefstxidken
>kshelf.
for the
other stilLkeejDs in order, you IL^^^^^^^^koa resting peaceful^
So, if you ^p^^r thinking aboi^p^^^pig^^hi^ier learning atUB
scmirzels.Th<#feC£verywh^ " ~
Wl*>f>"fHvS
aze bad. D on 'tread eifh
"^4'^>!!^|^',;
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by Jonathan Woodward
PIRATE ZOMBIE
"M. olars, incisors, bicu^ids- Itn  lost" whi^ered M aeve to her classm ate Jenny. It had
been 28 days since the articulate, stylidi £aid slight^ attractive) professor of their pre-doi
tistry class had gone on extended sick leave to be replaced by a sin pering, repulsive w ire of
a substitute-die'd been counting. It felt like she hadn't learned a thing. "I know what you
m ean," countered Jfenny. "Jawbreaker's terrible."
H e didn ttalk so m uch as chew through lectures, and every word was punctuated w ifh the
click ofa sm aH,white,hard candy he sucked on eveay class.H e lifted, when he said, "Enam el
is the tastiestof the coatings of the teeth." 'Tastiest' gurgled through w ifh a hiss and an insipid
th— and he leered.
"I don't even know what taste has to do with dentistry," M aeve sighed. "I've got to go for
extra help." The class ended, the girls exchanged the awkward sm ilpg thatsignaled their hour-
long, three-days-a^eek friendship was over, and M aeve dragged her feet to J&wbreaker's
office door.
He was leaning into an open closet She knocked, and he stiffened, shut the door and
twirled. 'Com e in,"he said,hism outh clicking.
"Sir," she began, 'You said in class today thatenam elis tasty, butthatdoesn 'tm ake sense.
W ouldn'tsom eone be used to tasting it if die had it in herm outh everyday?"
The professor took two long, thin strides over to her and put one hand on the side of the
door. "W ell,m y dear," he said, and sm iled, revealing a dark m outh fiillof cavities and decay.
'Tthefcs if you have a sw eet tooth."
W ifh that he snapped the door shut like a :pw . Startled, M aeve bounced two steps into the
centre of the office but Jaw breaker was next to her instantly. H e arched his back and ain ed
his sunken eyes ather down a long, pockm arked, crooked nose, then grabbed her breast die
thought fearfully for a m cm ent but then knew he m eantnot to feelbut to hold her down.
M aeve pinw heeled backwards to the wall but he was there as well Their m ouths m etand
there was sudden, sharp, piercing pain before he pulled away from his warped kiss.M aeve
put her hand to her bloodied m outh and fingered the bleeding hole in shock as if to say,
"W hat..?" butnever started the w ord. H e pulled back his Ips in a tw isted sm ile to revealhis
prize—one tooth, stillred.H e closed his Ips around it clicked, and ^>oke.
"lthe£>s thatyou have a sweet tooth— like Ido," he hissed, and fling the closetdoor open,
pushing her through. She turn bfed am ong fibreglass skeletons and dusty, oobw ebbed anato-
m y m odels untila realhead—with a shock she realised itwas her firstprofessor-swung out
ather, :pw lolling, show ing 2 8 scab-caked holes instead ofhis teeth in his yawningm outh. She
scream ed.
J&wbreaker shut the door. '(At one a day, you 11 be here for som e tin e," he an irked.
"Though its a sham e you Ve had yourw isdom teeth out And even though you m ightfeelsom e
pressure, please don 'tgrind. If s a terrible habit"
She pushed aside the cobwebs and the dust and fern bled at the door—locked. Her cellphone was ^dng ou tof reach in her bag by the door. Trapped in a dark closetwith a toothless
corpse, she scream ed and scream ed and scream ed.
uy a€H Nellie
GHOULISH GASTROPOD
"M cm , are you going to m ake m e a good oostum e this year?" Billy asked his m other.He really
hoped thathe had scm ething half decent to wear this year. Lastyear, die had thrown together
son epipe cleaners and feltatthe lastm inute and called hin a caterpillar. This year the costum e
had to be cool, to m ake up for the ;pbs he got lastyear from all the kids at school
"Billyv Iprcm ise. This year you llhave a good oostum e."
He doubted it since there were only four days left until Hallow e'en. He was sure that she
alwaysm eantto spend tin e on hin ,butherand his dad foughttoo often to evergetsdioollunch-
es m ade or give hin rides to socoer practices... letalone m ake a good costum e.
Linda scream ed up from the basan ent "H ank, can you com e down here and he!fc> m e w ifh
this circuit breaker?" He was going to have to teach that stupid won an to reset the switches.
Theyie already labeled, butapparenty thafs notenough. She llhave to laam to do a lotof things
on her ow n, because H ank w on 'tbe around m uch longer. Things are going really w eHw ifh G ina
from the office and pretty soon hellhave to adm it to his wife thathe's notworking late every
night H ank stepped into the dark basan entgrum bling. JQstas he took his third step yelling for
Linda to shine the flashlight in his direction, the door slam m ed behind hin and he felt a sharp
blow to the back ofhis head .H isbodycrum pled and loosely felldown theron ainder of the stairs.
Billy w as watching cartoons when he heard yelling oom ingfrcm thebasem ent H ism om
and dad always tried to hide than selves frcm hin when they were fighting so thathe wouldn 't
getupset H e alv ays heard them though. H e listaied to their fighting w ifh a knot in his stem -
ach, when, allof a sudden, he heard his m other laughing. Itwas the best thing he 'd ever
heard ...they m ustbe getting along! B ily jjm ped up and threv his hands up. G iggling hysterically hin sel£ he ran to the kitchen to grab a snack.
Jaw breaker had been lecturing the pre-den tistry class aboutteeth foranotherm onth,but
Jfenny stOlhadn 'tleamed anything new .He'd abandoned the course syllabus, which said they
were supposed to be learning about surgery and diseases, so thatwas no help, and nowhere
in the textbook was there any reference to how a tooth was m eantto taste. "M aybe if M aeve
hadn't dropped out 2 8 days ago, she'd be here to teach son e of it to m e," she though tw ifh
scm e resentm ent Then she sw allow ed her pride and resolved to do whatshe could to get this
class back on track: she'd go for extra help. ^
W hen H ank cam e to, he found hin self tied to one of the supportpofes in the basan ait
There w as one piece of fabric attaching his hands and neck to the pole.
"Linda, you stupid w cm an, w hatare you doing?"
"Shutup, H ank, Idon 'twantto hear it Iknow whatyou Ve been doing. Iw entand found
G ina this m oming."
""If you laid one finger on her, I swear to..."
"D on tyou dare yeUatm e! You 're not in the position to do that H ank."
"Untie these flicking ropes rightnow "
"1 don'tthink so. You*re. a lying, dieating asshole, and youte going to pay jjstlike Gina did."
*W hatdid you do,you psychotic wcm an?!"
Lindabegan to laugh hysterically.H e deserved this so m uch, and she ooulln 'twaitto be
free of his berating and cheating. She continued to laugh as she quickly slithis throat The on^
sound was frcm her, the dripping ofhis blood down the basan entdrain and cartoons playing
upstairs.
Even Before the bleeding stopped, Linda started sketching and cutting.
Linda gave her son a kiss on the cheek and then adjisted the m ask so thatitfitjastperfectiy.
The costum e was a little bit too baggy, but it added to iisthow adorable Billy looked. Nothing
could have w ped thatgn ile offof his excited fa.ee. Billy onoe again thought thatH albwe'en was
the best tin e of the year, and he oouldn 'tw aitto getoutand startcollecting candy. Before he leapt
out the door, he turned to his m other and said, 'Thanks m cm , I love it N one of the other kids
have ever dressed up as their dad." <®>
-^ •ir*
8
PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
2138 WESTERN PARKWAY, VANCOUVER
(on Campus/ beside Bank of Montreal)
Large Selection of
DVD, VHS & GAMES
for your enjoyment!
RE$e rvati on■$ 60k-221.'-9355
J^j|0lHSQici€k
UPCOMING FILMS
Screenings @ Norm Theatre in SUB
Admission: $3 and Membership: $20
Film Society Hotfine: (604) 822-3697
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/dubs/filmsoc
Friday, October 29 to
Saturday, October 30
7:00pm Catwoman
9:00pm The Village
Sunday, October 31
9:30pm Rocky Horror Picture Show!!!
Come Write for the
Ubyssey....
Don't be scared...
SUB room 24
mmvf^m^^^^^^ryr^^y£:yyy
"Indie-pop bliss. A self-
defense guide for smart
girls in an emo boys world"
- SPIN Magazine
TEGAN AND SARA
SO JEALOUS
.«**:.,
teganandsaraxom
The New Album": Includes "WaMcing With A Ghost"
New CD in stores everywhere.
New CD on sale for $14.99 or less wherever you buy music.
For those who are all revved for
Halloween and are looking forward
to dressing up but still aren't sure
where to go, here's a few suggestions:
Moon Dance Masquerade
2004
At the Vancouver Aquarium
Friday Oct29 at 8:30pm
more info: www.vanaqua.org
Expect Hottest Costume receives a
trip for two to Mykenos, Greece! Lots
of other great prizes. Free shuttle
service from Aquarium to Burrard
Sky Train station from 10:30pm to
2am.
Cost $60
Prom Night at Helen+Pit
Horror Hight
Saturday Oct30 at 8:30pm
more info: www.helenpittgaJUeiy.org
Expect Helen+Pitt punch, wicked
pumpkin display, $5 Polaroids of
Point
you and your date
Cost $10
Experience Halloween with
Rob Rizk
At the Chamber Belgian Restaurant
Saturday Oct 30 at 8pm
more info: www.gmanandrizk.com
Expect Great music! Tickets may go
fast, the venue is intimate and very
stylin'.
Cost $20
A Nightmare On Davie St*
At 555 Vibes
Saturday Oct30 at 10pm
more   info:   www.intimateproduc-
tions.com
Expect Three rooms of fun, with
everything from techno, breaks, electro music and more. One room, The
Torture Chamber,* is a realm full of
spooks and scares.
Cost $20 (remaining tickets sold at
door at 9:30pm)
Monster Mash
At Waldorf Hotel
Saturday Oct30
more info: (604) 878-GOGO
Expect live performances by various
artists
Cost $14 in advance at Zulu and
other locations.
Ghastly-Go Round: Free
Halloween Walking Tour
Presented   by   the   Architectural
Institute of British Columbia, walk
starts at the Roundhouse Community
Centre (meet at the Roundhouse Cafe
Lobby)
Sunday Oct 31 at 7pm
more info: www.roundhouse.ca
Expect Learn about the haunted
heritage landmarks in Vancouver.
It's about an hour and a half, and
you will hear all the spooky stories
behind  the  Vogue   Theatre,   the
Dominion Tower, the Sun Building
and more.
Cost Free! ♦
Ladies
LADY TERMINATOR
at Pacific Cinematheque
Oct.30
by Simon Underwood
CULTURE WRITER
Listlessly shellacking your tried
and true 'pencil costume'? Leaning
towards spending All Hallow's Eve
barricaded in the basement with a
family-sized Hershey sampler?
It seems that ever since someone special stopped sewing made-
to-fit masterpieces, Halloween costuming has been seriously stressful. But before you start feeling too
wistful for Remembrance Day, consider the sixth annual Cinemuerte
Film Festival.
Beginning Friday, Pacific Cinematheque will roll out a horrific
cross-section of cinematic obscurities and debuts guaranteed to make
even the most sober viewer soda-
soak their crotch in white-knuckled
terror. Or in the case of Jalil
Jackson's Lady Terminator, bust a
gut laughing.
Monstrosities like this Indonesian action-blockbuster-pastiche
defy any sort of rational analysis.
Sure, I could explain the legend of
the South Sea Queen, a hungry sex
goddess who kills inadequate
lovers in the most Freudian of fash-
take
ions, triumphantly demanding a
"man who can satisfy" until a suitor
steals her 'mojo' and exiles her to
the deep-sea for the next hundred
years. Promising revenge, the
Queen finds the perfect contemporary proxy in a busty American
anthropology student transformed
into a Schwarzenegger-esque leather juggernaut, but by this point I
suspect the film has deviated from
Indonesian mythology.
I could also entertain debates on
sexual agency, recoil at the intermittent homophobia and rampant
misogyny, and muse about the
practicality of continuing to fire
semi-automatics at a laser-eyed
cyborg if it didn't work the first six
thousand rounds. But what could I
honestly expect from a film boasting throwaway dubbing like "I real
ly hate hot dogs!* and the finest
mullets and stone-washed jeans
that the 80s had to offer? That
would leave no space to mention
penile dismemberment, vaginal
snakes and eyeballs that shoot
lasers.
Lady Terminator is so bad that
it's good; an almost scientific synthesis of every action movie cliche
ever devised. Having failed to go
international with his first serious
attempt at horror, Jalil Jackson
explicitly crafted Lady Terminator
to appeal to American audiences. It
puts the satire of Team America to
shame, and that it does so with sincerity increases the laugh-factor
ten-fold. Check it out Saturday
night; because really, nobody will
be wowed by another pencil costume anyway. ♦
$ very own phantom
by Sarah Bourdon
CULTURE STAFF
UBC has its own little ghost story,
though the details change each time
it is told and little has been found to
match it to an actual incident
The story of UBC's hitchhiking ghost, a woman who haunts
University Boulevard catching rides
with commuters at night and then
disappearing once she gets in the
car, has been told for over 20 years.
The Ubyssey included this version of the story, as told to the
writer by a friend, in the October
30, 1980 issue.
j-'
"I was driving home one night
after studying out at UBC. I saw a
hitchhiker near the UBC chapel and
stopped to pick her up. She got in
the back seat of my car and handed
me a piece of paper with her name
and address on it and explicit
instructions not to turn around and
look at her. I took her to the address
on the paper and when I turned
around to tell her we were at her
home, she was gone. I went up to
the house and a woman answered
the door. I walked inside and on the
mantle above the fireplace was a
picture of the hitchhiker I had
picked up. I told the woman I had
given the young woman a ride. She
then told me that her daughter had
died several years ago in a car accident at the same spot I had picked
her up. Now her ghost wanders
around the UBC gates.'
Another version of the story
reports that a woman was hitching a
ride in the 60s or 70s and was brutally murdered near the bus loop on
Blanca Street Ever since, drivers
have seen her figure along the roadside on University Boulevard at
night. People have reported that
when they pick her up, she hands
them an address and then both she
and the note disappear. ♦ PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
'-th&.!jif^
9
FRIGHT NIGHTS
at the PNE
until Oct. 31
by Ania Mafi
CULTURE EDITOR
If you checked out Fright Nights last year, you'll remember
what a haunted house with real actors and great effects is like.
This year, Screamworks Haunted Houses Inc. brings this fun
and freaky experience back to the PNE for more frightfully fantastic scares. What's different about Fright Nights this year is
that there are more haunted houses, for a total of five, and
there are a few extra rides open as well.
The roller coasters and rides are open for unlimited nausea- inducing fun, but I wouldn't suggest you wait in line for
attractions that are around all summer—go check out the
haunted houses; it's Halloween for crying out loud, and that
should be why you're at Fright Nights. If it's not, then go home.
The haunted houses are by and large very well done this
year and I'd rate them better than lastyear overall. The Asylum
of Terror, which is a permanent addition to PNE since it's
debut last year, is the longest and most creative house. Other
houses include "Area 51: Alien Apocalypse/ "What Lurks in the
Dark", "Reaper's Remains" and "Nuclear Nightmare." Being an
event that is open to people of all ages, there are definitely varying levels of scariness between the houses. After speaking to
other Fright Nights fanatics, that like myself have looked forward to the event since it first appeared at the PNE last year,
the consensus seems to be that "What Lurks in the Dark" is the
most spooktacular and truly frightening house known to
mankind—well at least at the PNE. If I told you what made it
really scary it would ruin the fun, but trust me when I say that
you're not alone in those dark and scary passageways.
According to Chris Laing, a member of the production team
overseeing the event, Fright Nights drew in about 40,000 people lastyear, even though the expected number of visitors was
only about 16,000. Aiming to at least match last year's numbers, Laing is proud of the additions and changes made to this
year's event and is confident people will enjoy the event.
Although the haunted houses are the main attraction, combined with the rides, PNE's infamous goodies and sweets, the
games, and a mystical psychic booth, the evening on a whole is
definitely worth $20. A higher admission than lastyear, you're
also getting a lot more scares and rides, so if you're not sure
what to do this weekend head out to Fright Nights for a guaranteed good time. And wear a costume. A real one, not just
devil horns. ♦
GHOST TRAIN
at Stanley Park
until Oct. 31
by Ania Mafi
CULTURE EDITOR
When it comes to the Ghost Train I have mixed
feelings about the overall experience. Allow
me to clarify. The idea of sitting on an open-
car train, travelling deep into the forest
encountering entertaining sights and scares
sounds thrilling, but somehow this particular
train stops short of entering that realm of fun.
The ride is narrated by an actor playing the
voice of William Shakespeare, as the theme
this year is "A Mid-Autumn Nights Scream/
which is obviously very fitting—obviously,
most children know all about Shakespearean
dramas. As the train slowly chugs past Lady
Macbeth and Richard III, I couldn't help but
wonder if anyone even knew who they were as
they stood in various spots alongside the
miniature tracks.
Some scenes just didn't fit the theme at all.
For example at one point we rode past an old
mattress and a run-down shack with someone
lying on the floor quivering through the gravel. I wasn't aware that Simmons Beautyrest
mattresses were a part of the Shakespearean era.
Moving right along, the train creeps past
yet another irrelevant character: this time it
was a person on stilts rocking out with a guitar
looking like a member of the band Kiss—
c'mon, who's that person trying to be, seriously? Though he was ahead of his time,
Shakespeare was definitely never a Kiss fan.
I was very confused, but as soon as I
stopped trying to figure out the relevance of
the different characters to the theme, they
became rather funny and enjoyable. Now that
I think about it, that Kiss guy on stilts kicked
ass. And this is where my mixed feelings come
in. The ride may not have been that great, but
the actors were excellent in their own right.
The amount of hard work and dedication by
these actors is astounding. Sitting in some forest display and giving it your all in that small
frame of time where it's just you and the train
—that deserves a standing ovation. Hats off to
the many actors trying their best to give train
riders a show for their money. But that said,
now's probably a good time to mention the
train is rather expensive at $8 for adults for an
under ten minute voyage.
Finally, my personal favourite character is
definitely Ophelia, who lurked in the swamp
as the train rode over a bridge. I hope that person gets paid more than everyone else, as she
had to stand in the water all night looking
super spooky (refer to the picture). All in all, a
great effort by the actors, some of who are UBC
acting students, but an overall disappointing
addition to Hallowe'en festivities on a whole.
I'd recommend missing this night train. ♦
Shatner:
comedic
genius?
Has Been
William Shatner
[Shout! Factory]
by Alex Leslie
CULTURE STAFF
William Shatner, allow me to take this
opportunity to speak to you directly.
Please, please, please never stop making
your music. Everyone knew that those
Star Trek bastards were holding you
back, but I never imagined this.
Accomplished actor? Sure. Cultural
icon? Of course. The hottest man over
thirty in a Starfleet commander suit?
Lordyyes. But comedic genius? Never.
How can I properly express my profound love and admiration for your latest album, Has Been? I am, quite simply,
in awe of you—from your guttural spoken-word poetry ("She was underwater/In the shadows/Was it there, was it
not?/I stepped back/A veil in front of my
eyes"), to your emotional appeals to your
fellow human beings ("You talkin' to
me?/You talkin' to me?/You callin' me,
has been?/What'd you say your name
is?"), to your acute criticism of today's
pressing societal problems ("The
Colonel is break dancing/Gimme a
break/I can't get behind any of that/I
can't get behind a fat ass!"). Perhaps
your brave confrontations with mortality impress me most The female background chorus on the third track singing
repeatedly "You're gonna die, you're
gonna die, you're gonna die" is pure
existential class.
Dear, dear William, I've listened to a
lot of "albums" over the years created by
"comedians* whose claim that their goal
is "humour/ But few achieved that end
as fully as you have in this new collection
of songs. Whether or not your comedy is
intentional, the joy it has brought into
my life remains monumental, unaffected. A treasured, exemplary moment in
"That's Me Trying," you sing to your
estranged daughter: "I don't want to
know if I've got grandchildren/No need
to tell me where I went wrong/I don't
want to know what happened in
your thirties/You wanna try Cold
Mountain?/OT is that too long?* What
long-lost child has not ached to hear
those words?
This album can only be listened to
seriously as a commentary on itself—the
ridiculousness of poetic, confessional
self-indulgence. If that is its intent, I doff
my cap. But, to be honest after listening
to this album on repeat for two days
solid, my body twisted in various stages
of incapacitating, crippling laughter that
rendered all digestive processes impossible, I don't really give a damn. As you
whisper suggestively at the conclusion of
the title track, "Has been implies failure/Not so/Has been is history/Has
been was/Has been, might again"...you
might be a has been, William Shatner,
but your music is here, you are here, and
the joy it produces will continue to echo
in the halls of my house (of mirth)
forevermore. ♦
-*
«^*i»i r.<v^rya«qwa»gi»flMtsaB_E^^
?w# ': •?' •r-^''?'™:; "^"^^^V*^**^*'^5'- *
PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
V*
rat«»
THEUBYSSEY
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2004
VOLUME 86 ISSUE 15
EDITORIAL BOARD
COORDINATING EDITOR
Jesse Marchand
NEWS EDITORS
Sarah Bourdon
Dan McRoberts
CULTURE EDITOR
Ania Mafi
SPORTS EDITOR
Eric Szeto
FEATURES/NATIONAL EDITOR
Alex Leslie
PHOTO EDITOR
Nic Fensom
PRODUCTION MANAGER
Paul Carr
Michelle Mayne
COORDINATORS
VOLUNTEERS
Carrie Robinson
RESEARCH/LETTERS
Paul Evans
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of
British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday by The
Ubyssey Publications Society.
We are an autonomous, democratically run student organisation,
and all students are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the
expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the
views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of
British Columbia.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The
Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and
artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the
expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
Letters lo the editor must be under 300 words. Please include your
phone number, student number and signature (not for publication)
as well as your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be
checked when submissions are dropped off at the editorial office of
The Ubyssey, otherwise verification will be done by phone The
Ubyssey reserves the right to edit for length and style.
"Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750
words and are run according to spaca
"Freestyles" are opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members.
Priority will be given to letters and perspectives over freestyles
unless the latter is time sensitive. Opinion pieces will not be run
until the identity of the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey
reserves the right to edit submissions according to length and style.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will
not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS shall not be
responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not
lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
tei: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca
e-mail: feedback@ubyssey.bc.ca
BUSINESS OFFICE
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.bc.ca
BUSINESS MANAGER
Fernie Pereira
AD SALES
Dave Gaertner
AD DESIGN
Shalene Takara
Jesse Marchand went to Kelowna with Paul Carr and Simon
Underwood. On the way they passed a car carrying Liz Green,
Eric Szeto and Rosanne Sia. They were hoping to be beemed up
by a ufo Down by Ania Mali. Matt Hayles and Jon Woodward.
Instead they beard a booming voice from the sky, it was Alex
Leslie who said, 'eat your vegetablesl' The)' pulled the car over,
got out and saw Michelle Mayne, Greg Ursic, Farryn Robins and
Chris Little. The hobos had vegetables from Carrie Robinson and
Sarah Bourdon's farm. Dan McRoberts told them that to stay at
the farm they had to go to the haunted house down the street
owned by the mysterious and frightening Paul Evans. Nic
Fensom warned them to be careful. They hired Hywel Tuscano.
Zach Goleman and Eurassia Adamson to be their bodyguards. But
the house had been blown up George W. Bush, who thought that
he was destrcyingjen Neale's weapons of mass destruction
COVER ART
Nic Fensom
COVER DESIGN
Paul Carr
V
EDIT GRAPHIC
Joel Libin
Canadian
■■■       ■
Tnll19S
we're
scared
1. Zombie brides
2. Zombie brides strip-teasing
3. Celine Dion's flesh melting off
her face and her skull swivelling
around on her neck like a Vegas
dreidel
3 a. Vegas dreidels
4. Racism
5. Losing our memories
6. Vampires who join AA and carry
blood around in wine bottles, then
absentmindedly leave them in
the kitchens of high-scale Italian
restaurants
7. Professors who die half-way
through lectures, but keep talking
8. Vegetables that eat meat
9. Meat that eats
10. Eats that's meat
11. Another four years of Bush
11a. People in Texas
12. Hippies who vibrate their dreadlocks to communicate with their
own kind. Zzz...it's almost 4:20...zzz
13. Tucker Carlson's bowtie
14. Hallowe'en candy designed to
bring back the dead, summon evil
spirits, and alter the chemistry in
teenagers' brains to create a liking
for Avril Lavigne's 'art*
15. Creatures stripped of all warmblooded urges at birth
15a. Dick Cheney
15b. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
16. Robots that do the splits
17. Clawed fish that can climb diy-
wall, or dry walls
18. Larvae. With mucus on top
19. The Marksmen Club for the
Blind
20. Dead crows eating dead cows
21. Moist things that shouldn't be
moist
22. Half and half milk. What's the
other half?
2 3. Masks that begin to breath when
you put them on
24. Clothing that thinks it's skin
25. Girls who think skin is clothing
26. Backstreet-lurking mental ward
escapees who think others' skins
should be their clothing
27. Your shudder right now
28. Teenagers
29. Tweens who think they're
teenagers
30. On a brighter note, people
whose only connection to reality is
the invisible ego-conjured string
tugged by the false Godhead of
Lacanian theory
31. Poison dart chiclets
32. nobscan.com
33. People
34. Grad school
34a. People in Grad school
35. Getting a "real" job
36. Movies about little girls that
climb out of wells
37. The thought of Lyle pulling up
on his stick for the past six months
(see letter below). Keep at' her, man.
38. The tiny bureaucrat that dwells
under Martha Piper's hair and
whispers quiet secrets into her ear
39. Apathy
40. In the morning when you think
the sun coming up is the dawn of
the dead
40a. At the club when you think that
guy winking at you is Shaun of the
dead
41. Any combination of severed
heads, bedsheets and shrill screams
41a. Any combination of severed
screams, sheeted heads and bed
shrills..thrills
42. People who compulsively invert
word orders in sentences
42 a. Sentences with inverted word
orders by compulsive people (last
time...promise!)
43. The dark
44. Spiders—big motherfuckers
45. Bears eating out of the garbage
can in the backyard
46. The office microwave
47. The office
48. William Shatneir's awesome creative genius
49. Any scene in a movie referred to
as "the flatulation scene"
50. Fear itself
50a. Fear's fucking big ego since
FDR's damn speech. Get over it,
fear. No one's scared of you anymore, fear! No one!
51. Aaaah, leave me alone.
52. Really large egos
52 a. That displace the Pacific
53. Grad school
53 a. Soul-sucking inanity for the
rest of your life
54. Jonathan Franzen's massive,
massive intellect
55. Sanctimonious profiles in The
Point about Amina Rai
56. That rat..dog...squatting beast-
thing in the pumpkin patch on the
front cover of The Point
57. The Point
57a. The stupidity of all mankind
58. Deadlines
58a. Anything with the word
'death* in it, in fact
59. The worsening situation in the
Middle East
60. People behind barbed wire
60a. People in front of barbed wire
60b. People who enjoyed Pamela
Anderson's movie, Barbed Wire
61. Getting trashed and not remembering what happened
61a. And..hey...what bed is this that
we're in?
61b. Who are you? ♦
AMS VP: "I've been pulling up on my stick since the day I stepped into office"
University
Press
Canada Pott Sates Agraamant Numbar 40878022
by Lyle McMahon
My Dear Spencer,
I appreciate the constructive
approach you've taken, but I take
exception to being written off as
dead-in-the-water. Dismissing 2004
is a bit premature, at this point, but
your disillusion of the performance
of this year's collective executive
is unfortunately understandable.
Valid criticisms of "The Executive*
have been abundant, yet my conscience will not allow me to accept
my newfound guilty-by-association
status. The (in-)action of some cannot be accurately equivocated as the
inaction of all.
I would like to take the opportunity to respond to "Spencer's keys
to student politics" (the Ubyssey,
Oct. 26).
I've been called a double-talking
ideologue opportunist (the Ubyssey
Sept. 28th), incompetent (the
Ubyssey, Oct. 5th), and by the
Ubyssey Editors, apathetic, petty,
and even conservative (the Ubyssey
Oct.   19th). That's an impressive
resume, considering nearly half of
the projects applauded in that same
Ubyssey editorial "Cake Holes* were
initiated under my purview. What
am I to make of this paradox?
Let's put the discourse into context. Who amongst us still recalls the
campaign promises of that vegan
kid, Lyle?
Improve sustainable business
practices: I've implemented an
anti-sweatshop Ethical Purchasing
Policy for all AMS purchasing, one
that also stipulates sustainable food
purchasing goals. I've seen to it that
organic and recyclable material are
removed from general SUB waste,
supported a campus-wide composting system and installing a Vanier-
esque color-coded receptacle next to
the Honour Roll for the composting
novice (green for organics, even us
Arts students can figger out that science). I'm also looking to provide
Styrofoam-alternative packaging in
all AMS outlets soon. I call this consistent progressive action. If you
don't think it is a "consistent
vision," please tell me what is.
Support the Food Co-op: for
those who haven't noticed, the first
student-run natural foods store in
the country is in the SUB lower level
now—thanks to the dedication of a
resolute handful of women, a local
credit union, a science grant, and
10% of my salary (I can provide you
with a receipt, if you'd like).
Put students and clubs first I've
created a new club office, reallocated AMS business space into club
locker space, threw a bigger and better FarmAde party to raise student
awareness of the UBC Farm. Help
coordinate the resource groups?
Gender-neutral washrooms? Just
give me a few weeks, I'm working
on it. As well. The AMS art gallery
committee is twice the size of last
years', and unless something very
serious impedes me from making it
happen, expect to see a graffiti
mural painted and displayed in the
conversation pit by the end of my
term.
Even our fellow student skateboarders might perk their indifferent ears when hearing of the sup
port the AMS has considered. It
might .not be relevant to you,
Spencer, but it is to some. Please
don't capitalise on the inopportune
timing of my attempt at engaging the disaffected student.
Skateboarding is certainly not my
political priority, but considering
I've seemingly completed much of
what I endeavored to accomplish...
Why not inject a little humour for
kicks?
Keys can be the proud first to
suggest impeachment, and I direct
my hat-tipping in his direction. En
garde, if removal from office is a
just retribution for my "dearth of
leadership*, or poor performance
as VP Administration, I challenge
you to consider pursuing it
I quote Keys: "To the current
executive, it isn't too late. The plane
is going down but all you have to do
is stop screaming and pull up on the
stick.* My plane is flying just fine
through the storm, Mr Keys.
—Lyle McMahon is the
AMS VP Administration
■t
?<
I
I
i
i! PAGE FRIDAY
Friday, October 29,2004
$8 8%   B$V^ #$3£> W-.
*
:■
5_
■ii
An album that
puts audience
in front row
GOVT MULE
Deja Voodoo
[ATO Records]
by Zach Goelman
CULTURE STAFF
Late at night, in a dorm room in the
holiest city om earth, one roommate
passed out on his thin mattress.
Another roommate, Judah, had a
bandana tied around his head and
was smoking a cigarette lit from a
burning candle. We'd been sucked
into one of those cyclical, late-night
conversations, this one about our
love of the bass guitar. Judah asked
me if I'd ever listened to Gov't Mule.
He proceeded to introduce me to
the band.
Mule is the project of Warren
Haynes and the late Allen Woody
when they left the band The Allman
Brothers in 1997. Haynes has years
of experience with the world-famous
The Dead, and is credited as being
one of the greatest rock-and-blues
guitarists of our time.
Gov't Mule's most recent studio
album, Deja Voodoo begs for an
audience—for this band is notorious
for their Hve sets. Many of the songs
on this album haven't been tested at
festivals or concerts, so the studio is
the first exposure for these hits.
Haynes, known for his incredible
hve performances, leads the band
through the studio recordings with
the stage of the Bonnaroo Music
Festival—a grand scale music festival held annually in Manchester
Tennessee boasting over 80 bands
and thousands of spectators—clearly
in mind.
From the first track, "Bad Man
Walking," Haynes begins with an
electric intro, followed by an easy but
high-tempo rhythm that allows you
to quickly imagine a vast crowd waving their hands and swaying to the
music. The choruses are beautiful in
their simplicity, allowing listeners to
follow along and feel the sing-a-long
qualities of the song.
Following the introductory track,
Mule lets its new bassist, the talented
Andy Hess (formerly of the Black
Crowes) come to the forefront Hess
adds a subtle, funkier, fuller sound to
Gov't Mule's previous trio. Along
with keyboard/organist Danny Louis,
Hess brings a blue urban feel to
southern rock, sometimes sounding
like a transplant from the Beastie
Boys' "The In Sound from Way Out"
As a complete work, Deja Voodoo
has very few flaws. All it seems to be
missing is the sound of applause.
Deja Voodoo is a great preview of
what fans could expect to hear from
the bandstand. ♦
k-os
at the Commodore
Oct.22
by Chris Little
CULTURE STAFF
Last Wednesday night at the Commodore,
an impressively large non hip-hop crowd
anxiously awaited the appearance of k-os on
the first Vancouver stop of his current
Canadian tour. When he emerged, clad in a
white hoodie and aviator sunglasses (which
he didn't take off for the entire show) and
proceeded to belt out "B-Boy Stance", the first
single from his recent album Joyful
Rebellion, the energy was electric. At that
moment, he was delivering exactly what the
people had come for:  a familiar-sounding
home-grown radio-friendly jam.
Unfortunately, there were far too few of
these lively moments throughout the show.
Don't get me wrong, the concert was entertaining, but there was definitely something
missing. It could have been related to the fact
that the vast majority of the audience was
unfamiliar with many ofhis tunes apart from
the opener, "Crabbuckit" and perhaps "Heaven Only Knows". Or, it might have had
something to do with k-os never really interacting with the people, instead choosing to
act like a big-time rap star and hide behind
his wardrobe. Regardless, there was a distinct lack of energy between the artist and the
spectators that made the evening just okay
instead of great.
One aspect of the performance that
seemed to please at least some of the capaci
ty crowd was the amount of time k-os devoted to letting his four-piece band rock the
party. DJ Lil' Jaz and the other anonymous
musicians (who were never properly introduced) laid down some sweet grooves that
the few dancers in the audience appreciated.
On the other hand, those who weren't dancing (almost everyone) were forced to stare at
k-os' back during these jams and many others, as he spent the majority of his time on
stage facing the band rather than the people
who paid money to see him. Plus, he didn't
drop a single freestyle verse the entire
evening!
One bright spot that managed to raise the
energy level was when k-os' dancer Dedos
first appeared on stage. His debonair attire
and fancy footwork injected some much-
needed excitement into the evening by mak
ing the ladies swoon and drool. An honourable mention should also go to Nelly
Furtado, who dropped by to sing a verse or
two and bask in the glow of some warm
home-province love.
While it's great that k-os is making a name
for himself in hip-hop circles by bringing a
fresh approach to the often-stagnant genre,
the fact of the matter is that his stage presence in larger venues leaves something to be
desired. Near the end of the show, k-os made
a comment about the Vancouver crowd not
being nearly as good as Victoria's, before
weakly trying to pass it off as a joke. It may
well have been true, but it wasn't entirely the
fault of the people on the floor. Hopefully,
those who bought tickets to his next show in
November (which is already sold out) know
what to expect.
♦ '1WK.
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