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The Ubyssey Jan 4, 2000

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Array yells in and-john'paul 11
still refuse to die j god
on rny side, " sayS pope
terrorists attack los angeles •
driven back by armed drivers
first millenium baby
dies;   "oh^el!/'
say doctors see mm
0*|V\t sir\(JL \°$
by Archibald Friskey
Studients returning to
campus apartments yesterday were met with more
than friendly roonaates
and the faint smell of
mildew they were used to
A towering blaze had reduced the Gage Residence
to a smouldering mound,
leaving hundreds of students homeless.
The only personal belongings found in the remains of Gage were an unopened pack of condoms a-
nd a candam flag believed to have been used as
a curtain and several h-
undred charred copies of
"Pretty heavy on the
Blow" but refused further comment on the situation.
But Sigma Chi member and
varsity footballer Brian
Marshall disagrees, and
places the blame squarely on k the shoulders
of the engineers, fanning tne flames in the long standing campus rivalry between jocks and nerds.
"The nerds had better w-I
atch out. We've had eno-;
ugh of their hijinks,"
he said.
We'll get them after Fr-I
the Tragically Hip's Tr-fiday nightte game," he
ouble at the Henhouse a
nd Road Apples albums
and (mercifully) Sarah
McLachlan's Surfacing
Although housing officials believe that the fire was triggered by an
electrical maLfunccion,
the housing department
has fingered what it believes is a more likely
target— Fraternities.
"We know who did it**
there is no doubt in our
minds," said Assistant
Director of Housing Nancy Fowler.
"Is there anything iki
that frats won't do in
their mad pursuit of friendship and percieved
social status?" asked
Fowler,, who noted that
frats have a long histo-; office ^Sf-fued a statenie-
ry of panty raids gone  j nt .raj^auEfcpX
awry. ' 1    /
'Meanwhile, the Housing
Office issued a statement emphasising that "Not
:only does the university
added, before storming
off, hisgirlfriend Bobbi!
in one hand and his lea-\
ther jacket in the other[
For 8& Gage residents,
however, the jock-nerd
conflict takes second s-i
tage to surviving the
ordeal of the inferno.
"I fell into burning ri-i
ng of fire," recalldd t-l
hird year student Alan
Henning. "I went down,
down, down, and the fla-1
mes went kigkt higher."
"It burns burns burns,
that ring of fire," ass 1
added his friend and now!
former roomate Jerry SksT
"Soodness Gracious,'
AM ->-?Vvo^5 J»y Su^xir IVaa (tAr$)
Me>ttwhile,//Uie- housing
Housing Director Gary
Dench admitted that his
own days in Fiji were
not care,
Gage residents to pay al]
outstanding fees on time.
"Those kids had better
fucking well pay up,"
said Dench,
In related news, cities
around the globe met wi
th fates similar to Gage.
Paris, Munich, and Thunder Bay were among the
HagBK major centres crippled by raging fires,
oh, New York too.^
See RektedSt
See related story on A3 THE    UBYSSEY
Lost & Found
.AND PITT RIVER. Jennifer Lynn
Swanson. Call 942-7656 to retrieve.
ALL DISCIPLINES) to participate
in problem-based learning woikshops
at St. Paul's Hospital. To sign up,
e-mail your SIN number, address
and phone number. .All new participants must attend a mandatory 1 hr.
training session from 12:30-1:30 in
IRC 400-date TBA
TRAVEL-teach English: 5 day/40
hr (Mar 22-26) TESOL teacher
cert, course (or by corresp.) 1,000's
of jobs available NOW. FREE info
pack, toll free 1-888-270-2941.
Information at www.ams.ubc.ca/aims |
or e-mail aims@interchange.ubc.ca
Volunteer Opportunities
TODDLER while mom studies at
home (on campus). Small honorarium
available. Call Cindy @ 827-0014.
BI-CURIOUS? BI ?GAY? Club Vancouver, Bathhouse for Bi and Gay
Men. Rooms, lockers, steam, showers, snackbar, videos. 24 hours 7
days. Students 1/2 price all the time
with valid student ID. 339 West
Pender St. 681-5719.
TELEMARKETING for new internet co. $7.50/hr & bonus. Call 306-5252.
Internet   loss    of   porn
Pathetic losers forced to leave homei
 by HEenrietta Jalopy
Mill WW
Looking for a roommate?
Got something to sell?
Or just have an
announcement to make?
If you are a student,
you can place
classifieds for FREE!
For more information, visit
Room 245 in the SUB
or call 822-6681.
ACS or
call our
Dannyx Orknel has too much
time on his hands. And he b-
lames the Y2K bug.
"It used to be that I'd be
able to spend hours on the K
Nets seeking out buxom, hot
•n sweaty chicks doin'' other
chicks," said Orknel, 1 7.
"But now that the damned Y2K
bug has collapsed the Web, I
don"t know what to do."
With the complete eradication of all Internet computer
technology, the information
superhighway has been effectively closed. And many
men are mourning the loss
of push-a-button access to
massive amounts of the best
in gang-banging, lesbians and
dildo ass-fucking. For these
men, life simply isn't the
Not everyone is upset with
the loss of instant electronic access to pornography.
At the Triple X Sexxx Emporium in downtown Vancouver,
business was booming yesterday.
"It's great today," said
XEmporium owner AI Friedman,
regulars are here,
those guys who cant*
it through, the day
seeing hardcore
pictures of people fucking
chickens are shopping too."
"All my
and all
't make
No chickens could be reach
ed for comment,A,
visit us at www.ams.ubc.ca
welcome eacia
$ uappy new yeara
What's going on at the AMS?
The AMS is gearing up for the
annual Elections.
The AMS Executive Elections will be
held in conjunction with the UBC
Board of Governors, UBC Senate,
Ubyssey Publications Society Board
of Directors and the Student Legal
Fund Society.
Nominations for all positions close
January 7, 2000.
For more information about the AMS
Elections please contact the AMS
Elections Administrator, c/o SUB
Room 224.
Keep up to date by visiting
www.ams.ubc.ca for details on the
Health Plan and other AMS activities
and events.
If you have any questions about the
AMS please email us:
The AMS-GSS Health & Dental Plan is
uniquely designed for students, providing a
comprehensive package of health, dental,
vision and travel benefits to fill the gaps left by
government health care and parent's or
spouse's employee plans.
The policy year normally coincides with the
academic year, September 1 to August 3>/>
However, since the AMS/GSS Health & Dental
Plan commences January 2000, the first
policy year will be for 8 months ending August
31, 2000. Accordingly, the cost has been
prorated by 2/3.
All full and part time students who are
members of the AMS or the GSS are
automatically covered by the plan. Students
enrolled in Continuing Education courses are
not covered. If you are not sure of your
coverage status, please call
studentcare.net/works at (877) 795-4421.
The total cost for the Health Plan is $112 for 8
months of coverage, and will be included with
your university fees. The monthly total is $14.
For further details regarding the new AMS-GSS Student Health & Dental
plan please visit wwWsStudentcare.net or call 1-877-795-4421. =*** . ub-y-sose y;
■".<«*•>*••% -- aM.<«.
ar world    abandon   monetary system
money    m |
by Butch Hotpants
OTTAWA—Federal Minister
of Finance Paul Martin
joined a chorus of
economic leaders world- '
wide Monday Taka when he
announced Ottawa's plan
to abandon the paper
currency-based monetary
System. Despite the
success of "moolah" ovei
the past several san
centuries, Martin.,
reacting to public
pressure, feels the time
for change is nigh.
ue Federal government understands that
Canadians are lookaxing
for a more, er, sensilbl4
financial reality. This
is tne year 2000, fai
faiiafolks. We can't
get cOiOiplacent."
The plan calls for a'
complete scrapping
of all paper bills* and
coins, to be replaced
by a variety of animal
pelts and trinkets, a
said a Ministry spokesperson. The announcement "'Comes on the heels
of US President Bill S.i*
Clinton's economic reform , which made
Marlboro cigarretes
and Levi 501 "Red-Tab"
denim trousers official
US xx currency.
Clinton's decision
was prompted by the Y2K
erasure of ali bank
records, the recent fx
firebombing of New York
City, the plague of
locusts in Los Angeles
and US Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan^
s suggestion that the
American economy has
been "flushed down the
goddamned toilet, our
dollars swirling like si
so mueh toilet paper."
"Fuck me," he sax
added, "Fuck me."
The once-powerful
International Monetary
Fund (IMF) is also updating itself by using
copies of Will Smith's
Millennium album and
rolls of "Duct Tape" to
bail out troubledx
foreign economies.
Around the globe,
nations are considering
taking similar steps.
UNiDTNT. BED PERSON 5?*8SM£S   WfS W** IMTO Tlte ClltT***-'*
Wswviyr wo«t|-l>»s> *Tf»«\fuc£T5" Cftim vrt*»v»c,
French officials are
thinking about using
snotty indifference
as currency, whereas
Swiss officials are
rumoured to be
introducing Toblerone
cnocolate and gold
fillings for trade.
The short-term afxis
effect of this decision
on Canadians seems to
be swift, brutal
violence. Both Niagara
God cleans house
f af. g-
or name engulfs
Falls ^nd tne Gastown
district nave experienced heavy looting
and "'San Francisco"
stores have begun
boarding up windows
ward off hordes of
former stockbrokers
who have spearheaded
the move xaa towards
achieving maximum
trinket levels.
Pelts of household
pets are also now
viable currency.^
fry Jose Vove
VANCOUVER-- A two-mile
high wall of flames swept across the Earth on
Saturday as God celebrated the new millennium
by killing those unworthy of basking inlHas 8
glory, unbelievers, and
■ those found to be "irksome."
The flaming wall stretched from pole to pole
and moved westward, crushing buildings, wiping
out entire  forestas,
and smiting the wicked
to a grisly, agonising
and thoroughly fiery!
God's celebratory night of flaming death began at the stroke of
midnight , somewhxere
off .the west coast of
Tonga where the walla
materialised before racing across the globe.
The actions of God,
labelledto by "People"
magazine as one of 1999
•s 50 most beautiful
deities,a caught almost
every religious leader i
by surprise.I In an ex-|
elusive interview with
The Ub.vssey. His Holiness Pope Johna Paul III.
said he had never seen
God so pissed before.
"This whole thing has
really caught me with
my robe down. All awe
can do now is praya and
hope for the best," saic
John Paul, slugging the
communal wine.
The Pope was later
rendered to a mound of
Holy Briquettes.
Edwin C. Newbower, a
resident of Golden, BC,
a town lying near the
Pacific and Mountain
Time zone boundaries,
spent his New Ska Year's
celebratiagon staring
at the sea of flame.
"It was the damndest
thing, the wall just
sat there for an hour
at the boundary until
it struck, midnight here,
That made for some tens*
conversation for
some of us, but hey,
what are ya gpin" to
do? It"s God."
When asked about kaa j
how others dealt with.
/ living under the flaming monolith, Newbower
could only shake his ka
"Most took it pretty
well, I guess, spending,
it in a drug-induced
hour of orgerific fun
but ol' Bob Nelson
didn't do so well. He
decided to jump into
his pick-up and drive
into the wall, screaming'
something about the
plight of the pillow
people. Ya know, that ka
guy wasn't all there—
especially after the
flames rendered him into
a flaming pile of
fleshy Jell-o."
A source close to
God told reporters that
the flaming wall stopped
at each time zone
boundary and waited aaxx
until midnight to strike.
Attempts to head westward to avoid the wall
often failed. Locally,
3500 people drowned
when they attempted to
swim to Vancouver Island
to escape the flames.
Although God couM
not be reached fax by
press time, he did
release a prepared
"This action was
taken to smite the
wicked. Every effort
was taken to ensure
that only the wicked
were consumed in fiery
death and fckaaaxaaaaxxky
those worthy of surviving were left with a
only minimal needs for
skin grafting. Of course,
in an operation of this
magnitude, some people
will slip through the
a cracks. But hey, what i
are you going to do?
I'm God.'1^
),..,..,.,.,......,...          j........................  ,...,,.
jPercaentage  of  followe-f§
-rs  of each religion sm-ll
pitten by  God: §|
Jjewish - 99%        ■
'Catholic - 100%
JProtestant - 101.4%
phitei akxa Church- 99%
1 Hindu - 101.2%     'J
Southern B&btist - 110%
Snake Handlers - 2.1%
Kaa Hare Krishna - 102#J
iCalvinist- 98% "
fVoodoo - 96%.
|Mormon - 102.1%
|   Allfigures +/- 2.1%' JW^ttH.iiii   n-l —«—«.■■
The Diner EH!
4556 WEST 10TH - 224-1912
Just one block East of UBC Gates!
• Steak & Kidney Pie •
Shepherd's Pie • Roast Beef
& Yorkshire Pudding (Sunday)
These are just a few items from our menu.
•"Wt Pea Oen S<Ue
Imto. Oca, "Pitt. A &#*"
8:30am ■ 8:30pm
Noon - 7pm
Prices to Fit Student's Pockets!
Phone for Take-Out Orders
Phone: (604) 224-2322
4320 West 10th Avenue Vancouver, B.C. V6R 2H7
1 Dirata Optometric Corp. Email: info@wcitlOtliopUimelTy.bc.ca
Writing Centre
Offering a variety of non-credit courses and services
B   to the university community and the general public
HI Academic or General Interest Courses
H • Preparation for University Writing and the LPI
H > Introductory and Advanced Composition
||j • Getting Ahead with Grammar
||j • Writing for Graduate Students
■ • Study Skills
B • Tutoring Skills
|jj    Business or Professional Development Courses
• Report and Business Writing • Technical Writing
• Making Sense of Legal Writing
Personal Interest Courses
• Writing with Style
• Overcoming Writer's Block
• Writing for Film and Television
Daytime, evening and weekend courses begin the
week of January 10.
Information: 822-9564
odeo states merge
"by Chester C. Garfieldu
CODY, WYOMING—Throughout North America, survivors of the Y2K firewall were greeted with <
hail of bullets and beei
cans as the armies of
Myoming—the new global
superpower formed by th<
union of various Wyomin;
and Montana militias—
marched hkxhss eastward
in a series of blitzkrieg style raids.
A fleet of armed
pick-up trucks and
Trans-Ams went forth
like rusting armies of
God from an undisclosed
Wyoming base, making
short work of any
resistance put forth by
hippies, beatniks, or
other weaker brands of
resistance before overpowering both North and
South Dakota. Columns
of similar vehicles
have also been sighted
■in Idaho, Nebraska and
throughout much of
southern Alberta—but
whether these sightings
have any connection to
the invasion is not yet
known j
And in what Xisip top
military analysts believe may be a flanking
maneuver, San Francisco
was bombarded by a xhisM
shower of rusted car
hyorn'irt3"■ The °>*te arovnd vvKich -me. world will   Spin 6c
frames and empty beer
kegs each Sunday morn-t-v
ing. No survivors have
been found, and it s-ee.mj
that a lone bongo drum
and a pair of juggling
sticks are all that remain of the once-
vibrant culture.
Unconfirmed reports
out of Myoming say Montana and Wyoming state
officials were overtaken by militia troops
even before the arrival
of.the fire wall (see
related story page 3)
though the carnage whicK
ensued no doubt complicated matters for local
authorities. Former Mhh
Montana state governor
Marc Racicot was found
dead in a' forest near
the capital of Helena,
i the victim of over 6.7
gunshot wounds. 1
of antlers were i
ped to his head.
All attempts t
press to contact
state capital ha\
met with failure,
refugees pouring
the occupied Dakc
claim that "Big 1
is watching" posl
have sprung up oi
every billboard,
ingjor homeless ]
Big Bubba is rum<
to be an all-knoi
omnipresent authi
marked by buggy <
flared nostrils ,
"I didn't vote fi
government" T-sh
"""'Canadian react
the actions of M}
has been slow, as
picions abound tl
oming sympathise]
Amish untouched by milleni
 by H. Boyce Claire
David Stoltzfus, today
is a day just like any
other. And so was yesterday, and the day bef
-ore that. As the rest
of the world celebrated
the new millennium
last night, David Stoltzfus stayed at home.
He did not get drunk.
He was in bed long
before midnight.
And the~only action he
wwas prepared for was
getting up at 4am to
milk the cows.
Stoltzfus is spending the first day ox tit
the new millennium on
his farm, like most of
the members of his Amisj
community here in
Pennsylvania Dutch
country. And as the res
of the world is ravaged
by computer nightmares,!
Stoltzfus's black j
buggy is running smooth-i
ly and his handmade j
quilt still keeps him I
warm. j
"I can't think of a
better way to ring in  j
the new year than with j
stewed chicken and frieqj
sweet potatoes," said  I
the at-ffable, beardaxed j
corn farmer, 36. But
what Stoltzfus doesn't
mentdion, x whnt he
doesn't know, ia that
his two children traded
in the simple joys of
the .'Amish lifestyle
for the allure of
i illegal drugs.
"It was the beginnin
of the 21st century,
for Christ's sake," sai4
Amos Stoltzfus, 16. "I
figured a little fornic
ation and a litt
-al could come b
chores, "...	
What was one
partying for the
child, however,
becoming a way c
for his younger
"I smoked up
with mv friiiench
■ katie explain.
14-year-old Sar<
zfus. "From the.
tried everything
get my hands on
explains as she
a baggie out of
apron pocket. "(
lv.des, crank, y<
"I' ve been li1
Chinese rocks. B;
sing just isn't <
you know?"«g^ JAXCABY 4,  **88
hicks unite
s.   A pair
ire   strap-
,~ j
:au .
ts by the
act the
- have been
ure, though
ing out of
ig Bu'bba
p on most
rd, build-
ss person,
;gy eyes,
Is and an
e for
eaction to"'
f Myoming
, as sus-
d that' My7
isers hold.
tKovf A*\<JL -^titers.
powerful positions in
the Alberta and Ontario
provincial legislatures
While the Myoming
authorities have released iio "official"
statement a message was
found scrawled on the
back of a label torn
off of a Pabst Blue
Ribbon Lager bottle. It
read: "What? You think
you're better than us?"
The Ubyssey, which
has always recognised
the importance of casing
to the winning side,
would like to take this
opportunity to state .
that we welcome our redneck overlords arid that
we  could, serve as an excellent means of distributing propaganda to
the students of UBC.A
Little   cryst
ie   before   my
Dne  night   of
the  eldest
sr,   is
ay  of  life
ger   sister.
up once
sndx  SiiXSkx
Sarah Stol't-
then on, I
hing I could
on," she
she pulls
of  her  apxHi
.   "Glue,
,   you name
Piper adapts   for first time
" Think about it — hunting and gathering''
by Louise LaRue
UBC's traditional
"academic" direction of
took a bold new turn
yesterday as President
Martha Piper unvelied
the university's "back-
to-basics" curriculum.
"UBC is moving -wi'th
the world,"Psa'id Piper
in a television transmission beamed,from her
lavish offshore bunker..
"Consequently, we're no
longer offering courses
in English, political
sxhsxks  science, Commerce, history, physics
social work, Law, Asian
studies, Medieval
studies, Architecture,
Education, civil engineering. Human Kinetics,
Library of Archival
studies, music or creative writing.
"We. w i11, however,
offer courses in self-
defence, woodworking,
taxidermy, hoarding and
advanced hoarding, hunting and gathering,
butter-churning, burning
cannibalism and advancec
cannibalism^as well as
amputation studies.
Leeches are also on the
menu ^ as ito were . "
Piper also gave some
details of the impending university-wide
reorganisation process.
"Of course, the en~ i
tire electrical and
computer scienec program will be burned to
the ground, buried, and
the ground there' salted
to ensuife nothing ever
grows there," piped the
cheerful president,
framed by her sturdy
eunuch advisors and
wearing only a Russian-
style fur hat.A
aging battle for
Canadian skies over
Geese   win!    Geese   win!
by Alf  Turk
A  Cav^d;^ Qcose p'»wV,
living on
. Barnrai-
't enough,
\v> -flight   a eca , Seen
The Canadian airline
industry, already shaken
by a year of wrangling
over the future of air
travel in Canada, was
dealt what some observers
call a potentially significant blow Saturday
when every single Air
Canada plane crashed x
within an hour after New
Year's Eve.
With the loss of the
entire Air Canada fleetp
XHSiiisxs industry xHsidsi
insiders claim that the
battle for Canada's skies
now has- a bold new front-
"Canada geese now hole
all the cards," said
airline expert Hector R.
Brocklebank. "Those y-
flying crap-producers
are in charge."
The planes were carrying nearly the entire
Air Canada company, as
executives had determined
the best way to show fnxX
faith in their Y2K
preparedness was to have'
the company's top 900
employees in the planes
when New Year's hit.
No geese were avails
able for comment.
After the fiery death
of nearly every Air
Canada employee, the
company's highest-ranking
living employees were
immediately promoted.
"We've had, a busyyear.
Between trying to become
the unquestioned masters
of Canadian skies without
any. regulation on prices
or service or routes xhxx
whatsoever, I guess we
just plumb forgot about
the Y2K bug," said current Air Canada President
Harvey Johanssen. "I
don't know what all them
executives were thinking.
"But their wings were,
de-iced, I. can tell you
that," he added proudly.
The geese immediately
entered into negotiations
with Federal Transport
rMinister David Collenette.
Sources say that the
geece used the elaborate
negotiating strategy of -
honking when approached,
spreadinjg their wings
threateningly, and shitting all over the place.
These' tough bargaining
tactics seem to have
shaken up the government.
as a disgruntled Collenette indicated after
their January 3 meeting.
"Goddamn shitting
Dirds," he said.^
bubonic plague,
polio *fo
co-ho$t FoX
Dow Jones
hHs new
high of ft):
still spelled
Good news:
stodenf Joans
Bad news: all
money erased
Time Square
tomb defused
& last second
by heroic lone
FBI sigen+
wi-HS set of
wire clippers
3tod cnjela,
yet- handsome
eves*. Nire
olher \>otrk>s
explode, Iqjjinj
Tony Parsons
turn o\A -fo
be robots
afc\vc all.
uBecp/' says
local newsreader.
aFzTrH+/ :TJBHB    tJBY^S;.«Yo
—  JAN*IABY;4:;
TvAeSD*f JAHUV.Y * ,1300
Volume 8i issue x".
Nicholas 8«tUv a«i Daliah Merufean
Song aNd dawce
Ountar I*. McHugh and Jaime tt»\%
Naomi Kim
Cynthia Lee
power hov*s£    Njrar-ne Martin
pun* Par»WSil«rir«»ybrae«nelrJortJy
"The UbySScy istV^a^cremairnV.
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-tH««>."Theij«/i« ^PlecH+xtAl^jHty's
PCJt+iMYj.or. *JorWAo.ffcM'/-S>po.lt-.c.t|
OAil-t*e-W.V«r+0.lA«wejr\+ IrtdUS-frrtj.
TYieia)4« not necft*3«<f »l(j rfcflW* tV\*
views of the ub^ss&j ft>bu cations
«.*■**«. 3«cret*»«-!e^ of None Op
YowA e>usiN65s (NOYft.**^ n»»«.of
yo^ V>u»ine*4 w««+ itls.
All •oi-torfol bmritrit, sucV.as »V tot. 5
■fta, orofw^j .f -the u\c^4s«ij fvb.iwKons
ftoclfcHj- N»bo4>(taOjrir«.pf>od utceourv^of
Xt '» o«r e«d, buca\ peso «b 9V3.ii.v5
aiMlOu o? et«»iflt4 »«<l»rK*lo»-tV>a.+
if-t*ie. Uby**«M *uWi.o*»,.A» S*cie*£**tia
-top4<a>u«lr.a.<\ ad or If a/, *JKW i<vt+e
ad ocCu<,S>TV.tViabi .i-tijof-+Vw. UfS
<*iU to* r\<«- bearea-i-er than
• HV«e«-+We. fric*. paid •fbrtVy*.
<»d or of a b*+H«- »F *"*•
TVve, \xf>s sV\o.Vl oot \>*.
responsible-for Slt'gK+ cV\*og»»s
of •V;jpo3'apV»\ c<s.\\ emrs X^*x\
4o no-V lesstA TVAc/V<xl\Ae«r-Vht
Impact of+Vieoa.
Ro«m.L4IK;.SMent Union Bujld'tfij}
6ts* Student UnK>n Boalevoni
^ncAtwer^bCVoT 1x1
td: <6»P SZ2.-iSOl-P»c(i>^) MXS173
evsm^si offcs
business •nicetfbwO'iiVc^'Z \
Jenn iter «P*e>
Tristan Winch.SuperPude.
IN.cKolet5B«^xdJey.l>Jo.omi Kim.
Pfcincan M. McHugh JaimeTong-
"Brxtce AKthur. Todld Silver.
DaliathHefxabam.Er-k J"anciciu.
Tarn W«is^i3ver. Srao«e Worthy •
afe  and   sound  under   ground
We here at the Llbyssey
aren't ones to axag
gloat, but today, we
can't resist. We told
you so. We read our
Bible, and we foresaw
the Apocalypse in 1968
so since then we'!ve be5n
saving to build a bunker
somewhere in the basement stacks of Main Library. And here we are.
So whose laughing aaa
now? Well, certainly not
the sea of unrepentant
sinners that used to
inhabit this world,
their jowls rendered
to ashy dust by His
Divine firestorm.
True, our banker xaag-
isn"t quite as lavish
as we'd hope<£; We'Tve
already had to sacrifice
our official hamster
in a delicious plum
sauce. He was a fine
mascot, and aax an even
better source of protein,
ait we still have a hunter and you £taa$ don't.
The air may be a
little thick, and the
gene pool may be hopelessly shallow, and the
walls may be CLOSING
IN;, but we»'ye maintained
out- usual high standards
of journalism and aaaxxx;
quality. And we loak
forward to serving
"whichever of you survived for the next
thousand years! And for
the rest of you, you
should have read your
I have been a faithful
reader of your paper for
more than 57 yaers,
dutifully picking up
your paperjfevery week. I
have enjoyed your little
publication, sticking
with it, through its ups
and downs and-tl"ve
managed to keep archives
dating back to the early
Siven my loyalty, you
can only imagine how
horrified I was to find
out that for almost six
decades I have been
putting myself at risk.
You see, as I was
confronted by a mile-
high, wall of flames om &t^
the first day of this
month* nay, this
MILLEHNIUMi, I noticed
that your paper is
flammable! Indeed, as
hard as it was to believe
believe, my stacks of pa
the "vilest rag, aari west
of Blanca" burst into a
swirling juggernaut of
A plague on- you,
Ubysseyers! For the past
57 ylsrs (and maybe"?
more) ycu have sh&8*&<€a£*<i
4fcSi*2=es*itf *&*H»d &tW,
shamefully risked the
lives of your readers by
printing on flammable
newsprint^ This is a
travesty and I assure
you, had my arms not
been; horribly, horribly
burned, I would choose
never to read your paper
again. May you all burn
in, hell like the cheap,
flimsy paper you've
published this on.
Maj, Glen. Franklin J.
Morgan, ret.
dear Editors,
Bravo to the Almighty
for performing the best
example of population
control Ix've seen in a
while. The wall of fire
has successfully elim-
I inated Vancouver's
! poverty problem. Faster
| than a speeding developer,
the downtown eastside.
has been completely
rezoned. The poverty is
gone. The drugs are gone,
The junkies are gone!
All I would have asked xx
was for God to be a xxxii
.little more careful with
what was incinerated.
Ipon arriving back in
VXancouver I discovered
that two of my three
cars had been completely toasted. Fortunately,
all of my cash was
safely stored in a fireproof safe.
Here's to a prosperous
Rrrfan Rrraugy
3rd Year Commerce
Student YSSEY
**■**?'' :
'■MJBiMff'  '^ftiirj'' ^'aBttKh'-'^
.-^■■■■^■'.-.^aDOasv.'.'agBg^wr -.
.v^TT^^ .-."^^^WW*.   .^•P*^.1.
WANTED: One functioning
can opener. Lone man ±i
living in bomb shelter
despacerately needs opener. Willing to txrade
gold bouillon or five
cans of string beans.
WANTED: Fresh human brains. Zombie in need of
tasty grey mgatter. Contact the Zombie MacNutty
who lives under the Knight St. Bridge for info.
FREE KITTENS: An new litter of cute kitties looking for loving home.
Don't forget cat pelts
now legal tender. Contact Mr. KMacNutty, under
the Knight St. Bridge t
for mor info.
FOR SALE: Canned goods,
salted meats and preserves available. Low
priSiS. Children w/
strong backs, horses x
and other beasts of burden preferred. Contact
Jed, large bonfire, La-
dner, BC.
FOR SALE: Thousands of
$100 bills. May be burned for warmth. Will
trade for Marlboros,
dignity. Contact Jimmy
Pattison of West Van
for more info.
ROOMMATE WANTED: Cockroach seeks quiet,£ non
smoking cockroaches to
share large Kits home.
No pets, no Raid. For
info, visit large grey
house off Arbutus.
GOING FAST: Strata unit
still available at Bombshelter Bay. Vancouver's newest residences
for those who can survive locusts and xhxxk
who don't let an infer-
.no scare them,
WANTED: A copy of JJob-
riath's 1973 debut LP.
Will pay cash money, k
hey do you smell smoke?
Oh my... 8oh my God!
Those flames will devour us all!
FOR SALE: My first born.
Strong bones, nimble f-
Ingers, breakable spirit. See Peter of UBC
steam tunnels for info.
Must sell!
WEIGHT?: Local butticher
seeking limbs. Must be,
frexsh, no maggots. W^e
pay double for yxrx
pairs of legs.
WANTED: Toilet paper! I:.
need fucking toilet paper! Old newsprint starting to chafe, badly.
Pelts and Bourbon available for trade.
FOR SALE: Last six copies of the Hip's "Up To
Here" inx existence.
Inquire at the dSagae
Heaps. Also one acoustic guitar. Ask for one
armed Fred.
WANTED: D.Br. Cooper,
for hijacking thingy,
KZ-IO CAcii? Has everything jOVl  owned been
torched? Join the club.
The Y2K Survivors
Club. Granville Isl-no.
jsahbciub shelter,
Fridays at 6pm.
AVOID Y3X1' Book your i*±i
flight, to Mars new.
}eciait fares for
early h;
; today!
Hate th.
Freeze yourself and
your family until it
all cleaned up. Safe
and affordable. Visit
Cryotech International -
at the sumiaiit of
Mount Bob son. today 1
WANTEC: Mate. Cnlj
survivor on Janmerkim
Island just off Point
Grey. In fact, a aate
has always been required since everyone
here w&d a dolt. Call
l-800-4io-^62. Need
companionship or I a
might juot...
WANTSu: Y2a disaster jk
photos. 0^ay if .;li0rit-
ly daiua^e.-. Contact
Conrad Black at
ALL-KIKE (25^~64t>) .
WANTED: Former Seattle
billionaire looking for
market to monopolise.
Seeking means by which
to take someone elses
idea for the purposes
of a future mass market
campaign. Contact Bill
for more info. (206)
FOR HIRE: Local right-
wing think tank looking
for a new local power
structure to support.
Willing to disregard*£-
acts, dispense propmga—
nda and kill witnesses
Contact Mike for more
information. 734-9986
Cam&Huii fm, HUBOffice,
Nominations for all of the following positions are now open
and will close January 7,2000 at 4:00 pm.
ubyssey staff meeting
General    Duties   of   the   AMS   Executive:
Executives are elected by the student body and
are responsible for ensuring that the goals and
obligations of the AMS are carried out. Each
Executive officer has specific duties and roles,
that fall under their specific portfolio.
is responsible for over-seeing the AMS and
its activities. Consequently the President
has a broad mandate to deal with any
issues or business.
VP Academic & University Affairs:
formally responsible for Student Council.
The VP looks after all matters concerning
academic and campus issues.
VP Administration:
is responsible for looking after matters,
which deal with the Student Union Building
(SUB), and with AMS sub-groups.
VP Finance:
is   responsible   for   all   monetary
budgetary matters of the AMS.
VP External Affairs:
this is a very broad portfolio; the coord, is
responsible for affairs with organizations
outside the AMS.
Senate & Board of Governors Nominations
are also open
Nomination forms and further information
regarding only UBC Board of Governors
and Senate Elections are available from the
Registrar's Office in Brock Hall.
Student Legal Fund Society Nominations
are open
6 Directors Responsible for: the overall
operations of the society which
administers the AMS Student Legal Fund.
Nomination forms & candidate information are available in SUB room 238.
It is only after the close of nominations that campaigning may begin. For more information, please
^contact, the Elections Administrator, Sukhwinder S. Sangha, SUB Room 224 or call 822.0109.
1. voter's list
2. bzzr garden aftermath
3. clean up
4. post mortem
5. other business
Wednesday, jan 5
sub 241k
all welcome
so much
fun you
can just
taste it.
Copies Plus
each side
Featuring easy to use, fast Konica Copiers
•autofeed *autosort 'resize 50%-200% -autostaple *auto doubleside
Also available Vii x 14 and 11 x 17 at extra cost.
Sale from Jan 3 - Jan 31/2000
Discover the Friendly Competition!
© 2nd Floor, 2174 Western Parkway (above UBC Pizza)
tel: 224-6225 :*-*»    UBTS8?Y:
^mm®®'^*^' ,r
feed back@u byssey. be. ca
Chrisf  returns,    pissed
checked often
*Off our Regular Retails
Present your valid UBC Student Card at
any of our locations listed below and
receive 15% Off all merchandise purchased.
Excludes advertised flyer items, prescriptions, tobacco, baby
milk & diapers lottery tickets, stamps, HELLO! Phone Pass
and Soda. Further exclusions may apply in Home Health
Care.Prescription Centres and Food Departments.
•KERRISDALE/41st & Yew Phone 266-5344
•DUNBAR & 28th Phone 732-8855
Open 8am-Midnight ...7 Days A Week
•BROADWAY & BALACLAVA Phone 733-9128
Open 8am-1 Opm ...Monday - Saturday
•4th & VINE Phone 738-3138
Open 24 Hours for your Shopping Convenience
Selfish assholes
by Godiva Hutchinson.
Jesus Christ, Son of
Gbd, Lord and Saviour
of humankind, returned
to Earth at the stroke
of midnight on New
Year's Eve to deliver
a message to His followers. And this xthird
of the Holyjcx Trinity
didn't mince any words*.
"You bunch, of assholes," yelled the
Son of God, His head a
and hair white like
wool, His feet like
bronze glowing in a
furnace. "I died for
this? Boy, did you
guys ■ fuck it up. I
am just pissed!"
Christ reappeared
in a flash of light
during the Rolling
Stones concert at
London.*:'s Wembley
Stadium, just seconds
after midnight, seized
the microphone from
Stones frontman Mick
Jagger and addressed
the crowd.
"I was nailed to a
goddamn cross for
mats Son $£   God
three days and nights!
What a royal waste of
time that was! You have
no idea! Nails in my
WAWDS  and goddamn FEET !
"You selfish sons a
of bitches!" He SEXsain
screamed, eliciting a
Pavlovian cheer from
the drunken throng.
The Son of God was
promptly removed by
Stones security personnel, who wrestled away
His sharp, two-edged
sword and seven stars.
"Bbhx Don"t you know
who I am?!? Do you know
who the fucK I am?!?"
yelled the Messiah, His
eyes like blazing fire.
waSTft8s¥iifi in"tShI sSfttid
car and ta^en round to
the local police station,
where He loudly proclaimed that "Humanity is
in BIG trouble when ray
Father, who art in
Heaven, hears about this
action! BIG trouble!"-A
Ubyssey Publications Society
2000 Board of Directors Elections
The Ubyssey Publications Society is the organisation responsible for publishing UBC's official student newspaper,
the Ubyssey. Its membership consists of all UBC students who have not opted out of membership in September by
completing an opt-out form. Members are eligible to run for, and vote in, Board Elections.
The Board of Directors oversees the administative and business aspects of the paper including advertising, marketing, distribution, the budget and finances, meetings of the Society, and management of employees..
The" Board is not, however, involved in the editorial aspects of the paper. The editorial policy and content of the
paper is determined by the editorial board of the paper, elected by the staff in March of each year. To become a staff
member, those interested need contribute to three issues of the Ubyssey and attend regular staff meetings in order
to get voting rights and the right to run for editorial postion.
Term is February 2000-February 2001. Directors attend approximately 20 Board Meetings
throughout the year in addition to serving on the Board Committees. No previous experience with newspapers or
the UPS is required.
The postions up for election are the President and 4 Directors at Large.
Nomination forms are available at the Ubyssey Business Office, SUB 245. Completed forms must be returned by
4:00pm Wednesday, Januarys, 2000.
Elections will be held in conjunction with the aAMS elections January 17 to 21, 2000.
For more information, contact Fernie Periera at 822-6681.


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