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Saunder Undergraduate Viewbook 2014

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 THE SAUNDER SCHOOL OF BRITISH COLUMBIA LLLI ^LLLLL
____LLLLLLLL
i ■ : I I II I I I
Welcome to Point Grey
SSBC has always been, at heart, a business-oriented university, and this facet of our
educational mandate is reflected in our architecture. Although many buildings on "«
campus are already soul-crushingly dull — befitting a true business school — we still
believe a strong brand must be consistent.
That's why we're working hard to paint every building in campus in the same shade
of neutral gray. Under the auspices of an undifferentiated corporate aesthetic, any
sense of identity that might prevent you from achieving fiscal success will be obliterated — and here at Saunder, that's a good thing. FROM THE PRESIDENT
To all future Saunderite^.
Welcome. Reading this
viewbook is your first ste
ith of the Saunder School
f British Columbia.
As one of our esteeme^
colleagues, you will have
s to opportunities offerer
u iiu other university in the
province, the nation, or inde<
the world.
Our "living business" mod
has increased the efficiency of
the university a hundredfold,
making the Saunder School of     '&i_
British Columbia the most profitable campus in Canada. The
skills you will learn during your
time here will^e welljjj;
cost.
SSBC:"lt'srr|pAnd^
just a small capital investment, it
can be yours/too. ? * $i
2sident Dean Dan  FORCED DEBAUCHERY
~    FROM HERE.
FUN ON EVERY LEVEL
At SSBC, we know that when you work hard, you have to play
hard — and we mean have to play hard. In the same way we
work our students hard during the day—they'll go to class
whether they like it or not—we play our students hard at night.
That means lots of booze, lots of dancing and lots of music ev-
fxy day of the week, for eternity. There are some students who
won't want to go to the party, but we emphasize that it's for
the greater good — and those who abstain from drinking can
always test out our SSBC-made meth. TWO CAMPUSES
ONE REGIME
MAKING WAVES
Students can expect to spend, at most, five
hours a week in lectures UTTING DOWN BARRIERS
Thanks to the revenue we have
accrued by selling centuries-old
hardwood from the clear-cutting
of Point Grey's Pacific Spirit Park,
Saunder can guarantee the quality of
your SSBC-0 education LEADING BY POWER
As resources become more
scarce and the world descends
into tribalism and anarchy,
our intellectual capacity will
become less and less important.
At Saunder, we are working to
wring what's left out of society's
best and brightest before the
fall. Pictured on the right is our
advanced weaponry lab where
we're finding better ways to "kill
people or get rich trying," as the
unofficial school motto goes.
WHY REINVENT THE WHEE
Who needs innovation when the oil
barons of the 19th century already
figured out how to get filthy rich?
SSBC is investing its resources in
good old fashioned oil rig design —
what better way to teach engineers?
COMPANIES
SAUNDER LOVES
1 Fiser
2 Coca Hola
3 Goldcorpse
4 Bank of Honk Konk
The New SUP
Check out the beautiful new Student Union Pit,
where SSBC students can pan for gold during
their study breaks — hands-on learning. If we've learned one thing in our time running
Canada's second largest research university,
it's leading by power. No longer will we have to
synergize our hierarchical leadership structure.
Now, whoever has the most power leads. Pitbulls
don't lounge outside our administrator's offices for
fun — they're there to ward off power grabs from
less visionary leaders. They are also, we are told,
aphrodisiacs. What's not to love?
If your son comes to Saunder we'll teach him to
be a man — one who can drag society forward as
they fight tooth and nail not to go, ignoring their
pleas for mercy without it taking the slightest toll
on his psyche. And if you send your daughter, we'll
teach her to be a man, too. From your apartment, you'll have access to incredible views
across the Georgia Strait and the Point Grey peninsula — and
once our construction megaprojects are complete, you won't
even be able to see the slums. In the meantime, your projecting
balcony is the perfect place to reflect upon the emptiness of
your soul while throwing spent champagne corks down onto
the mindless peons marching beneath you. luxuriou
Iresi
FUN ON EVERY LEVEL
At the Saunder School of British Columbia, we take lording our wealth over those around us very seriously.
That's why we've privatized all our on-campus residences
— to ensure that only students with the right credentials
can access our state-of-the-art living spaces.
We take a progressive approach to providing accommodation for our most prestigious prospects. By converting our
varsity fields and endowment lands into residential zones,
constructing dozens of new condominiums and bracketing out anyone whose parents earn less than $100,000 a
year, we've effectively monopolized campus real estate.
By 2017, we expect to have completely eradicated any
semblance of a local culture.
It's an exciting time to be an SSBC student. WAYS YOU CAN
CONTRIBUTE TO THE
SAUNDER CAUSE
1.    Hire your own international student: $5,000 per day. Saunder's International Student
nternship System has resolved the problematic situation where international students
could not work without an appropriate visa. Now, for a low daily rate, you can hire your
very own international student. Get them to mow your lawn, clean your house, work at
your business or anything else — those tuition fees won't pay themselves
Name the monkey fighting ring: $10,000. Since
freeing ourselves from the tyranny of democracy,
we have ramped up our animal research programs
significantly. To fund the expansion, we've introduced
a monkey fighting cage where the primates who have
not been too severely injured by our experimentation
get to duke it out for your entertainment. See your
name in lights beneath a festive sheen of gorilla
entrails and lemur blood
Buy a student's diploma: $50,000. Many
entrepreneurs never graduated from university, but
that doesn't mean you shouldn't still reap the same
rewards as those who did. Pay up front when a top
candidate enters Saunder and, while they won't
find out until graduation, they'll actually be working
for your diploma! No longer will you have to feel
embarrassment over your failure to graduate from
university. CPfTiW^
BANK OF
igfrS^A'H
Twa
iKOF
tMAO&^
' COu^
SflNQlIP
'. I r'v.'."--^1-
*-*££
00
■/#
\ i
w
HER
4. Stuffed Arts student: $75,000. Receive a complimentary mounted
Arts student to display in your penthouse office or mansion. This
unique specimen will come fully equipped with a pungent herba
aroma and an expression of purposelessness on its face,
5. Buy a professor for $150,000. As part of our efforts to increase
funding in lieu of government subsidies, we have monetized various
departments of our university. Now, the professors behind these
initiatives can be yours! Instead of entering a contract with specialists
for every one of your corporation's needs, pay a one-time fee and
retain a professor as your personal expert and/or servant.
imp. A WORLD OF OPPORTUNITIES
From Amsterdam to Colombia and back
ratticking ring.
•"53F*., unlfc*
SiiP11
tu
'111
iflj-
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lul
j
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HSBwmf^
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,!rMfu:
SEE THE WORLD
BEFORE YOU RULE IT
SSBC has long been known for
its international character and
diverse student body. Now,
we're building on that with the
Equidae Pharmaceutical Program. In this unique program,
non-Canadian citizen students
will be sent to hotspots of illicit drug trade around the world
bringing back bulk samples foi
cnunder development purposes
udents involved in the Equidai
r.ogram will gain real-life experience in negotiation and fitness
and will broaden their horizons
in more way than one. THE SAUNDER SCHOOL OF BRITISH COLUMBIA
UNDERGRADUATE VIEWBOOK 2015
tn
ubyssey.ca/satire
E3 iTufael
twitter.com/ubyssey
facebook.com/ubyssey
youtube.com/ubyssey
ubyssey.ca/theblog
All information completely made-up at time of printing
Dlease visit ubyssey.ca for the latest information and updates
© THE UBYSSEY PUBLICATIONS SOCIETY. PRINTED IN CANADA.
NO PART OF THIS BOOK MAY BE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION.
(5
THE SAUNDER SCHOOL OF BRITISH COLUMBIA

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