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The Ubyssey Dec 2, 2003

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 www. ubemexy.hc.CA
Someday, Decembruary 32, 2005
Volume 85 Issue 25
Misinformation since 1918
Shrum nightmare continues
Tenderbirds prove that anyone
can beat their pathetic team
by Hesse McBootie-Martian
'""■;" SPROUTS EDIOT
The men's Tenderbird football team
didn't know what hit them on Friday
night when they took on three homeless men and a bag lady in this year's
Shrum Bowl. The Tenderbirds lost
an agonising bout to the Homeless
Sleepers by a score of 64-0.
The beginning of the end for the
Tenderbirds came early when safety
Bert O'Feather got confused by the
unique style of the Sleepers' defence
and scored on his own endzone.
. "The bag lady was totally smiling
at me,' said fifth-year defender Ibea
Sissi. 'And I thought, chicks! Score!'
O'Feather caught the unlikely
pass from the defender and scampered 75 yards, untouched by the
Sleepers' dumbfounded offence, for
the devastating score.
And from then on, the Sleepers'
own touchdowns just kept coming.
The team was driven to win by
hunger and misunderstanding, said
one player.
'At first I thought they were going
to feed us,' said Sleepers quarterback Ilive Inavan. "They had this
thing they called a pigskin, but when
I grabbed it, it didn't look like any pig
I'd want to eat It looked like a football. So I just threw it.'
.That throw would land the
Homeless six points.
•'When asked about her teammate's play the bag lady said, "Please
leave me alone. I'm so tired.'
Despite Coach Justone Moreloss
yelling at the Tenderbirds about the
Shrum Bowl being two months ago,
the team fought harder than they
usually do, which isn't very hard.
"They were just too tough," said first-
year linebacker Endtha Pain.
"Especially the httle guy with the
wheelie thing. Man, he really tripped
me! up there.'
4 The Sleepers deployed a highly
organised offensive attack to blow
out the Tenderbirds,
"I'm not sure what those" football
guys were trying tp do,' said one of
the Sleepers. "My grandma plays
better football.'
"I thought I could, uh, take them,"
..said. Tenderbird Casey Are-youbaldL
"But it was like the toughest, er, \
mean strongest.'..no toughest...ooohh
is that cake? I love cakel"
"The guys really gave it a hundred
and ten percent,' said  Moreloss of
the T'eriderbirds, _ "It's too bad, this
wasn't the real Shrum Bowl. I can't
beUeve we lost again. Those lucking'
players will never get their shit
together. * *
"I think monkeys could have beat
us out there tonight," said "O'Feather
of the follied football-Birds. "Rats
even could have beat us. I hate this
team. I should have become a model.
See "Vagrants"on page 17.
Womyn's Centre launches
campaign to ban male nipple
Lactating a privilege, not a right,
says militant \
feminist group
Wal-Fart signs onto U-town
by Megathon Woodmas
1
by I've-got Dung
SNOOZE STAFF
A part of the male anatomy, considered by most as completely innocuous, has somehow offended a gaggle
of crazed feminists.
Members of the UBCOCC
Womyn's Centre' converged on the
SUB to protest the male nipple yesterday, wearing nothing but nipple
clamps and shrieking nonsensical
chants.
"Hey-hey! Ho-ho," they screamed
at the top of their lungs, 'men's nipples and surrounding areolas have
got to gol'
Most of the women described the
male nipple as 'revoltingly hairy'
and objected to the male nipple's sex-
ualisation of an otherwise safe student space.
"The fact that men are "even
allowed to have nipples is perverse,'
said Ima Prude, a Womyn's Centre
representative, while- fighting* back
tears of rage. 'But to be able to bring,
them into the campus environment?
It's unconscionable!*
The women are fighting for the
. * r-'l.
{
,4* *•-   fr»
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<   w
HOLY NIPPLES, BATMAN I Womyn offended, mefelt payne photo
ban of the male nipple in all classrooms and common areas.
"You're hot permitted to smoke in
those places, so I don't see why the
male you-know-what should be
allowed,' said protester Enid Totalho,
who was unable to bring herself to
say the word 'nipple.*
When approached for comment,
UBCOCC VP Students Brain
Sulliedman looked utterly baffled.
"I have absolutely no idea what
they're trying to accomplish here," he
s$id, leering at the women's pendulous breasts. He then added, "Does
not compute! Does not compute!" as
smoke began billowing from
his skull
Top cross-country runner Gerry
Kaiz said that although he'd rather
not have to give up his nipples, he
does see some tenuous merit in the
insane feminists' position.
"[My nipples] can be kind of a nuisance sometimes,' said Kaiz. "They
get chaffed by my shirt when I go running even after I lube them up good."
Mike Hunt of the Delta Omega
Rho Kappa fraternity, on the other
hand, was less than sympathetic to
the Womyn's Centre's campaign.
"Tell those fiickin' dykes they can
come lick my nubbin right here,* he
yelled, fondling his peck through his
beer-soaked baseball T.
He then wiped the remnants of
the urinal puck his brethren had
dared him to eat off of his soul patch
and passed out in a puddle of his
own vomit ♦
SNOOZE EDIOT
Big-box store Wal-Fart will be the first
company to begin construction on the
'culturally rich" University Boulevard
site after signing a contract with
UBCOCC Properties Trust yesterday.
The move heralds a glorious new
age for UBCOCC, said Wal-Fart
spokesman Guy Evans.
"A Wal-Fart on University
Boulevard would save students from
paying high [Nothing Matters Society
(NMS)] prices and give them access
to cheap canned food, bulk condoms,
a Wal-Fart line of credit and real
jobs," he said.
Low prices and a booming economy are a boon to. students,
said UBCOCC spokesman Scott
Macravedrugs, and UBCOCC looks
forward to working with Wal-Fart in a
close arrangement
"It will provide students with real-
THIS ISSUE:
RELAXHT'S A FUCKIN'
JOKE!: Your source of
endless procrastination
Activity book inside...
FEEDBACK@UBERSEXY.BC.CA
WWW.UBERSEXY.BC.CA
world occupation-experience that a,
university degree simply doesn't
offer," he said. 7       ~
Professors emeritus forced into
retirement will still find gainful
employment on campus working as
greeters, he said.
The NMS Student Council summarily dropped its opposition to Wal-
Fart and welcomed Evans and his
entourage, complete with new Wai-
Fart patio furniture for the Council
chambers.
"I think the consultation process
was pretty good,' said NMS VP
Academic Laura Fester, patting
her wallet.
While students stand to benefit
from sales jobs, Wal-Fart cleaning
staff will be lemurs imported from
Borneo. This has the advantage of
sidestepping the immigration laws
which recently caught Wal-Fart off
guard, said Evans, but only if the primates are appropriately vaccinated.
"Hey, ebola's bad, you know?*
he said.
Out-of-work Plant Ops staff were
seen clustering around the monolithic Buchanan Tower, standing in
silent reverence, their leafblowers
cast to the ground; Grabbing pens
and humming "Thus Spake
Zarathustra," they marveled at their
sudden fine dexterity and ability to
use more complex tools.
The Vancouver Stool ofthe Logogy
is welcoming the opportunity to step
in and house the residents Wal-Fart
will bring. f-
'Our pre-renovation housing was
only good for monkeys," said VSL
See "Big dick"on page 132. ■■ way wiiA wa
CLASSIFIEDS
.nnouncemenis
CHRISTMAS FROM AROUND THE
WORLP TRADE SHOW: Vendors,
performers or volunteers are needed.
Tel: (604) 421.3898
2-1 ANNUAL "NIGHT OF
A THOUSAND DINNERS"
Monday, December 15* at die Westin
BaysBore Resort and Marina, 1601
Bayshore Drive, @ 7.00 pm. Keynote
speaker Stephen Kelly, Deputy Chief of
Mission, United States Embassy, loin us
as we try to raise awareness and hinds to
eradicate die global landmine epidemic
Students $20, Public $30. Business attire.
R.S.V.H for rickets (604) 822-1604 or
ubcirsa@canada.com. Presented by die
. UBC International Relations Student   y
Association.
EXPERIENCED FRENCH TUTOR &
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THE BIKE KITCHEN is your campus
bike shop! (In the SUB loading bay) Call
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STRESSED OUT? Trouble with
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UNIVERSITY DRYCLEANERS
Alterations, Drycleaning arid
Dressmaking. Available @ 105-5728   '
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INTERESTED IN BONG
PUBLISHED? Submit your essays to the
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HEY BANDS/DJS1 Want a gig? UBC
Medical Ball needs a band/dj: oldies of
20's-5O's +/- "top 40". Saturday, March
13 @ Westin Bayshore. Demo tapes/eds
to UBC Medical Ball rm. 317 IRC      y
isceiianeous
VEGETARIAN LUNCH PROGRAM.
Vegetarian lunch every Tuesday 12:30-
2:30 # International House (1783West
Mall). Everyone welcome.
FREE
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Or lust have an
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Foi more information, visit
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They're hitting lhe bottle again. Those kids.
Those no-good kids. Those smoking, writing
• and free-thinking kids.  Those, smartasses.
Those artists. Those  fools  they've done  it
again. A fuckin' activity book. Are you reading
: this? Shit.
; Well we're going on
; back. Just you wait.
ak. But we're cc
THE UBYSSEY
ng gone since 1918.
HIDIH
X&r'$uj_t
iTt»»\ «■»■*£»
****»**}&	
To assist in your exam studying pro-
castination and to generally relieve
your end of term stress grab some
scissors, glue, reading glasses and
running shoes to complete our
Ubersexy December Big Smile Lucky
Ultra Wondrous Un-Boredom book
Page 1.
Look! News! Just fuckin' wit' ya.
Page 2. '       ■
Index and the people who put out
this garbage.
Page 3. ..-■-..
Hunting Time. Whether you are
scrambling for the ridiculous items
in our scavenger hunt Or trying" to
identify where those? obscur'e Uttle
photos are from, this page will have
you running around.' ■ '" "   ■ ■   r*
Pages 4-5. '
Comix. You always wanted them
in the Ubyssey. And just this once
(JUST THIS ONCE, DAMMIT) you get
them. And they're heartbreaking
anyway. So have fion laughing at
Heather's pain!
Pages 6-7.
Build your ownll-fown] Complete
with Big Ben, our own Mt Rushmore
and wonderful amenities!
Page 9.
Manufacture the, news! Able to
fill in blanks? You must have at least
nine good adjectives from your textbooks or your essays. Try them out
in the news.
Page 10.
You can't say that in a newspaper! Some ol? this year's best quotes
conipiled by the i^w*|.tga3t jp *"
4  '     - y-   ^~-
Page 11. "7*
Reconstruction. MJ needs your
help! His face has fallen apartl ♦
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TTi0 Art Institute qt VandouverK Burnaby4
44244 cre^we professional. H#^>.;y6M'!l feafi:!7
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www. aivan.artinstitutes.edu the Ubersexy's annual scavenger hunt!
The season of gift-buying is just about upon us, so to ease the budget constraints a little, we at the Ubyssey, in our ultimate benevolence,
have decided to offer you a chance at $100. Free! All you have to do is participate in this year's annual Ubyssey scavenger hunt. If you
accumulate more points than any other entrants, we'll give you $100 cash. Good luck!
Please bring your items in on Friday, Januaiy 9 between 12pm and 4pm.
And remember, kids: stealing is bad. The Ubyssey reserves the right to print or keep any of the items brought in.
-free-standing coat hanger (100 points) «
-small white board (50 points)
-pens with other universities' logos (3Q points for each university)
-tacky mouse pads advertising useless products (20 each)
-mix tapes from the 80s (50 points each)
-lamp shaped like an animal (100 points)
-oversized, inflatable liquor bottles (50 points each)
^Martha Piper's board of governors coffee mug, complete with her name (500 points)
-rnulti^poloured sidewalk chalk (20 points)
Tbeer pitcher from the Pit (40 points) full pitcher (100 points)
-picture of you, a copy of the Ubyssey, and AMS General Manager Bernie Peets (100 points)
-giant elastic (20 points)
-the results from your drivers license test (25 points)
-can of WD40 (50 points)
-umbrella stand (100 points)
-hand-drawn map of anthropology/sociology building (100 points)
-a photograph of a Ubyssey staff member drunk (200 points)
-Denis Pavlich's belt (1000 points)
-blank tapes (one point for.each tape)
-original phone book from tlie 70s (500 points)
-U-Pass with no face left (30 points)
-copy of Gordon Campbell's mug shot (100 points)
-baby photo of Martha Piper (1000 points)
-SARS (1000 points)
-sure-fire way to kill fruit flies (500 points)
-UBC transcript with at least one A+ and one F (75 points)
-UBC Parking ticket (45 points)
-any UBC street sign (200 points)
-business card from Brian Sullivan, UBC VP Students (40 points)
-CiTR T-shirt (3 5 points) : ^ .   "       ;
-adrunkfirst-year student (yep, between 12pm and 4pm) (200 points) ';
-receipt for a library fine exceeding $ 100 (40 points)
-minutes from an AMS Councd meeting (30 points)
—photo of any of the AMS execs when they were in junior high (100 points)
—French maid who agrees to clean our office for a week (5000 points)
—poster advertising an October 2003 bzzr garden (50 points)
—pamphlet with team roster handed out at a UBC basketball game (20 points)
—mix CD you made especially for the Ubyssey for this contest (2 5 points)
—name tag from breakfast with Martha Piper (100 points)
—architectural plans of the SUB renovations undertaken in the summer of 2003 (7 50 points)
—copy of enRoute, the Air Canada magazine (35 points)
—concert ticket stub from 2001 (35 points)
-personality test results from the Church of Scientology (50 points)
—reservation for UBC Housing and Conferences accommodation (3 5 points)
-picture of you naked in a classroom (200 points) with a copy ofthe Ubyssey (300 points)
—name of chemistry professor Mel Comisarow's hairdresser (100 points) -
-original Game Boy (40 points)
—name of the Underground editor in 2001-2002 (3 5 points)
-movie schedule from UBCs FilmSoc (2 5 points)
—something bigger than you (100 points)
—personal note from Scott Macrae, director of UBC Public Affairs, wishing you good luck in this
contest (150 points)
—one copy .of The Point, with grammatical mistakes corrected (100 points)
—photd of yoAi and at least four varsity athletes (80 points)
—rice crispie square from the Place Vanier cafeteria (20 points)
■^-capacity in kilograms of a Buchanan Towej elevatbr (2 0 points)
—full-colour glossy poster removed from a w^ll in the Angus building (30 points)
—PE uniform from your elementary school (50 points)
-a CAT scan printout (100 points) f
—proof that your dad fertilised your mom through a sperm bank (30points)
—AMS VP Lawa Best's home phone number (50 points)
—The name of each candidate for AMS president lastyear (23 points)
-home-cooked meal for six (1000 points)    i   ?|       ^
-Take That C£> (200 points)    .   ,    . "J \\        ' -     -
—complete U-Town diorama-with a 20 second presentation (check the centrespread, bonus
points for architectural excellence) (300) ♦
good image hunting   3
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LTANT UBC DEVELOPMENT PERMIT BOARD
The Development Permit Board meets on the third Wednesday of every
month at 5 p.m. to consider development applications for non-institutional
development on campus lands, unless there are no applications to consider.
The public is invited to attend meetings. Please visit the Campus &
Community Planning website for information on upcoming meeting dates
and locations.
The December Development Permit Board will convene one week early
on account of the holiday season:
Dates      Wednesday, December 10
Tim«      5:00 p.m. - 7s30 p.m.
Location! Peter Wall Institute, 6331 Crescent Road, Lg. Conference Rm.
Current development applications are posted on our website at:
http://www.planning.ubc.ca/cotebus/devapps.html
If you have questions contact:
Jim Carruthers, Manager Development Services
Tel: (604) 822-0469, Email: jim.carruthers@ubc.ca
■-   or
Karly Henney, Planning Assistant
Tel: (604) 822-6930, Email: karly.henney@ubc.ca.
Campus&CommunityPlanning
www.planniag.ubc.ca
Comic pages!
comics by Heather Pauls
Enough already! If I had $50 for every time someone
asked me why there weren't any comics in the UbysseyI'd
have wads of cash stuffed in my pockets. So here you go,
all you comic complainers. Here are a few that I made for
my Uttle book, X: Cathartic, though they're not necessarily
intended to be funny.
If you draw comics too, come out and draw us some
editorial cartoons. Show up in room 24 of the SUB basement anytime after noon on Mondays and Thursdays and
we'll set you up. ♦
D
■<N0
All graduating students are
invited to call Artona for their
free graduation portrait session
UBC
jgmiipi imiiwliimitwiiiin
Activity time!
Fill in the speech
bubbles:
(title)
Call 604-872-7272 Dial 0
Artona, your official UBC Graduation Photographer
353 West 7th Avenue Vane, www.artonagroup.com
Student, Staff and Faculty
Group Rates
start at $19 for lift.
Skiing, Snowboarding,
Snowshoeing and Tubing.
On-Hill facilities.
Call 604-986-2261 local 215.
Tickets available at The Ski & Snowboard Club
J p:
I'll llilfffi¥ Millll-il mm
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Why the hell am I advertising feature writing? Youll just forget all about it over
wjntenbfeafcWhitclpf even.ho.tHe/?c-;.,;,.,* :7-.7,>-  v^7'A ■:..*.'."■."  .*.";'■"■
Write features.
features@ubyssey. bc.ca
A Great Place to Eat!
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This Winter; we'll pay you to lose some weight...
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UNIVERSITY OP-BRITISH COLUMBIA
C Ai'M. J>..V. 3   - SC      C[o M M U N t "t Y~:    PLANNING
www.planning.ubc.ca
PUBLIC MEETING: LADAH SCIENCE CENTRE
Dates       Tbursday, December 4, 2003
Time:        12:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Location: Student Union Building, Room 212
6138 Student Union BfriL
X
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PRiyOSEPSITE
/
The UBC Alma Mater Society has
submitted a development permit
application for a three-storey,
6,700 sq. ft. facility for science
undergraduates. The site is located
on East Mall, between Hebb  ,...
Theatre and the Chemistry'*" ' :
Physics building.
You are invited to attend a public
meeting to view and comment on
the proposal. ,The applicant ancT
staff will be present.
For directions to the Student Union Building go to: -
wwww.maps.ubc.ca/PROD/index.php. Free Parking will be available at the North
Parkadei 6115 Student Union Boulevard (receive voucher from staff at the meeting).
Development applications are online at: www.planning.ubcca/cotebus/devapp.i.html.
This event is wheelchair accessible. For more information about assistance for persons
x       with disabilities call (604) 822-6030 or email karly.henney@ubc.ca.
Vl?"   Questions or for more information please contact:
• Jim Carruthers, Campus & Community Planning,
*M .    Email: jim.carruthers@ubc.ca, or
5       • Michael Kingsmill, Alma Mater Society, Phone: (604) 822-5000
ESjcIh^—       Fisher Scientific Fund
Scientific
Materializing Dreams: Invitation for Proposals
The UBC Campus Sustainability- Office recognizes that
when if comes to finding innovative ideas, our university
community is the best place to look. We want to help make
new sustainability initiatives a reality. For this reason, we
are inviting everyone with innovative and creative ideas to
strengthen campus sustainability to submit his or her
proposal. The Fisher Scientific Fund supports initiatives that
offer creative solutions to specific concerns and challenges
at UBC; in particular, in areas where sustainability can be
enhanced. The fund is generously supported by Fisher
Scientific Canada, one-of the largest suppliers of scientific
supplies and equipment to UBC. Approximately $25,000
dollars are available for winning proposals this year.
In order to be considered proposals should:
1. Strengthen sustainability at UBC.
2. Benefit the UBC scientific
community who are the main users
of Fisher Scientific products.
3. Be within the range of $5,000 to.
$25,000
For more information and
application forms, please visit:
http://www.sustain.ubc.ca/fs.html
Grab your scissors, gfue and construction hat and;
B.   #|tJ - ,_ ^ j— ^
w»AJLmmw>      j \aJ wr%jL      ^J TV AJL     ^>m*r        JL  ^JF YT JLJL #
Here are some building models to help. Label and landscape, then submit to our scavenger hunt!
Diorama, people. Di-0-Ra-Ma!
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UBC BOOKSTORE
December 2 to 4
Moon to 2 PM
Studying too hard?
Hava your digital photo taken with
UBC's Thunderbird Athfetes
for just a $1.00 donation
to UBCs United Way Campaign.
(We'll email your photo to you).
Help othera and have fan - cton't y<HiJwk anartf
$   "^      Monday-Friday 9:30 AM-3PM •Saturday 11 AM-3 PM
UBC Bookstore • $200 University Blvd.r Vancouver
***
{604} 822-2665 • www.bookstors.ubc.ca
Consider a Career in Occupational Therapy
The School of Rehabilitation Sciences, University of British Columbia, is now
accepting applications for the Master qf Occupational Therapy (MOT) degree
program, for admission in August 2004.
Occupational therapists promote health and well-being through the use of everyday
occupation - the taskswe all engage in to take care of ourselves, participate in schoof,
employment and household work, and enjoy leisure and recreational pursuits. They
practice in both public and private sectors, with persons who have physical limitations
or mental illness. Clients range in age from the very young to the very ofd, and have
varying abilities arising from the effects of illness or injury, or from physical,
institutional and societal environments.
Pre-requiisites - ■-
Baccalaureate degree (any field), with "8* standing or higher
Three courses related to the study of people and society, one each in the areas of
Biological Sciences (e.g., human biology, anatomy, physiology)
Social Sciences (e.g., sociofogy, anthropology, human geography)
Behavioral Sciences (e.g., psychology, learning & cognition)
Volunteer or Work experience with persons with disabilities
Application Deadline
February 1,2004 to be eligible for "early" interviews
March 15,2004 final application receipt date for consideration in 2004 admissions
More Information
Admission inquiries: admissions@rehab.ubc.ca or telephone 604-822-7392
Program info and links to resources and on-line application form: www.rehab.ubc.ca
Applicant Information Night
Monday, January 12,2004,5:00 - 7:00 p.m.
Woodward Instructional Resources Centre (Lecture Hall 6>, UBC
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flips'
PON'f DfiiNK AND DRIVE. CALL 1-888-TAXIGUY.
1-888-TAXI GUY. II! ill
Make your own news story!
'Fire, then flood in the SUB*? 'AMS budget careful and boring"? Seems pretty eye-catching, yes? Certainly apt We may
have amazed you with our on-the-ball news writing—hell, you
may have even thought it was a talent
Well, we're coming clean. News writing is shamelessly formulaic,
and we news writers often worry about being replaced by mildly
articulate lemurs. But the time has come to share that formula.
With the careful application of some choice words, you too can fabricate a news story (not that we would ever do that...).'
Write the parts of speech of your choice in the slots below, and
then write them into the right place in the. story. For example,
'noun3' could be any of "activist," "Bad' Santa," "Jesus," or an
idea of your choice, of course. :
Read the completed news to your friends. Hilarity will ensue!
Your name: 	
Your friend's name:.
Nounl:	
Adjective?:.
Nounl3:_
Adjective, 8: ■_
Adjective 1:	
Noun2 (a person' name):.
Noun3:	
Noun4:	
Nbun5 (person's name or plural)*
Verb4 (past tense):.
Nounl4:	
Verb5s.	
Nounl5:_	
VerbS: _■	
Adjective 2:
Noun6:	
Noun 16:       -
Nfounl7 (plural):
Year:
Verb 1 (past tense):
Verb 2:
Adjective3:   • -
Noun7 (plural):   ■--
Noun8 (plural):	
Adjective4:	
Noun9: ■
Noun 10: '
Nounl 1: ___^_^
Adjective5: ^___
Nounl2: __^ii___
Adjective 6:	
Name of longtime AMS hack-
Verb?:
Position:	
VerbS (past tense)
Adverb:	
Adjective 9: __
Verb 9 (past tense);.
, Nounl 87-•
Adjective 10:	
Expletive 1:	
Expletive 2:	
And a little glimpse into writing headlines for the culture section:
"(Expletivel) (expletive2) ing (expletivel) "♦
(nounl)
is/are
(adjective 1), says (noun2)__
(noun3) could spell (noun4) for (noun5).
by (your name).
NEWSWRlTER
(Noun2)_
and
(noun6)_
he/she/it'(verb 1)_
. sparked controversy
(adjective2)	
yesterday   when
new criti
cisms ofthe dogged (nounl) _
"We       (verb2)	
(noun 1)  is/are
that
(adjective3)_
 's
(noun8)	
 waste of (noun5)
(noun7)      and
said     (noun2)
(noun9)_
(riounl0)_
"It is (adjective4)
-less   and   full   of
called   for   greater
  and less (adjec-
He/she/it
(nounl 1)	
tive4) ness.
But   (noun 1) _    rejected
claims that he/she/it was (adjec-
tive5)_ .
'Our (noun!2) is (adjec-
tive6) ,   (adjective7)	
and provides a valuable (nounl3)
  to  students,"  a (nounl)
 representative said.
*(Noun2) 's   claims   are
(adjective8) and will not be
(verb4) he/she/it said. "It's
all  the  provincial  government's
fault'
But Karen Bond from the BC
Ministry  of' Advanced   (noun 14)
'-'-   .   didn't (verb 5)_____ the
allegations.
7"Wa- have only (nounl5)__j_
for the actions of (nounl) /
she said. "And the lifting of the
Insert photo of (noun2) here.
(NOUN2)__ (FUNNY PUNV : Look how (adjec-
tive3) (noun2)  is/are. (your name) 1 photo
tuition freeze is justified because of
student (noun 16) ." v
(Nounl)  has long been
(verb6)  by (nounl7) _
since   his/her/itsrA inception    in
(year)   by  (longtime  AMS
hack)_ . (nounl) plans
to (verb7)  the
student    society's hands    were
(verb9) .
"This   is   not my - (noun 18)
_," she said.
Students    were    (adjective 10)
(nounl0)_
situation at UBC.
* Alma Mater Society  (position)
     Oana    Chirila    (verb8)
. herself from the debate, say
ing that she was "(adverb)
(adjective9) .*  and that the
"I have no opinion," said (your
friend's name) .
"But I sure have a (expletivel}
 ing   hankering   for   (food
item) . Those are
(verb 1 Jing (funny pun)s."
(noun5)   could not be
reached for comment ♦
REFERENDUM RESULTS
The Health and Dental Plan Referendum that ran from
November IS" to November 25th, required a quorum of
10% of eligible voters to vote Yes for the referendum to
pass. Quorum was calculated from data provided by
UBG Planning & Institutional Research. In this instance
quorum was calculated to be 3,906 voters.
Totat number of voters in the Health and Dental
Plan Referendum: 6445
Votes for Yes side: 2975
Votes for No side: 3470
The referendum failed. For more information on the AMS
Referendum please contact elections@ams.ubc.ca.
AMSELE0TI0NS
Are you nte:ested in rjrnirg in 'he jpconrg AMS •
Elevens? Nomination forns are new ava-lab'e fiom J
SUB Rocm 233. Elections will rt..n from January 1V, •
2004 to Janjary 23 \ 20C4. Elected representatives j
serve their term frcm Mr.rch 20C4 to March 2005.!
For rrore ir'ormatlon on the AMS E'ections. visit '.he »
Electa-'3 Committee in theT offce (SUB Room 218) "
or e-ral them at ele-tionsQdws ubc.ca.
WANT MORE INfOBMATlONP
AMS JOBS
AMS Elections
Elections Administrator
Duties and responsibilities include:
• admin stiates the AMS Executive, UBC Board of Governors,
Senate and Ubyssey Pub'icat'ons Society Beard of Director
e'ections held in January, in accordance to '.he AMS Electoral
Policy;
• admin slrates any consltjency elections, as required;
• chai's the E'ections Comiri'ttee that condjets the admims'/ative
3rd promotional functions of all AMS elections;
• tesponsibie for ihe hinng of the members of this committee;
• 1'3'ses vvith Council, te UPS and the Registrar's Office;
Qualifications.
• supervisory and organizational e>per:erce and the abii'ty to
.vo-k .\eli urdor p'essure is an asset:
• dje to t3 h'c,h'y pel tical nature of :.q electors, toe E'ections
Adm*r isirator may rot hold any elected or appointed position
.vitriin the AMS or Consti-jenc'es
• Coirputer skil's are an asset.
Time Commitment: 3 hours a .veek n October. Nuve Tiber. February,
and f.'arch ano an aveiage of 30 nouis per Ait*, during January,
ncluuing hola ng regjlarotfce hours and committee rreetngs.
Term: Beg,nn'-ng -n Decetrber, 2003 to May V1,2001
Compensation tba, e>tra S1000 per referendum
NIGHT OF A1000 DINNERS
The UBC International Relations Students Association aiid the Youth
Mine Action Ambassador Program with the United Stat§s Consulate
General of Vancouver, request the pleasure of your company at the
secortd annual "Night of a Thousand Dinners"
When: Monday, December 15th, 2003 • 7:00 pm
Where: Westin Bayshore Resort and Marina, 1601 Baysfiore Drive
Cost: Guests $301. Students $20 • Business attire * Donations will be
taken at the door
Please join.keynote speaker Stephen Kelly, Deputy Chief of Mission,
United States Embassy, Ottawa, as we raise awareness and funds to
eradicate the global landmine epidemic.
RSVP for tickets at (604) 822-1604 or ubcirsa@canada.com.
STUDENT LEADERSHIP C0NEEREM0E
Choose you own adventure!
The Student Leadership Conference is January 991 and 10th, 2004 at
UBC. If you're interested in expanding your leadership skills, sign-up
online at www.ams.ubc.ca/sle by December 13th, 2004.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Sign up for our electronic newsletter The AMS
Interactive, and we'll send you updates on all
the latest events and issues that affect you. To
sign up visit www.ams.ubc.ca.
Please submit applications by Wednesday. December 3'. 2C03 j
to Laura Best. VP Academic & U"iversty Afaits, Cnair of the?
AMS Appointments Comm-ttee. Room 248-6133 SUB BoJeww. *.
Vancouver. BC.V6T1Z1. i
the AMS would like to say good luck
on your exams and Happy Holidays to
everyone. We'll see you in the New Year! IOT§ IMillMIl!
XT
Explore YOUR Explorezde
Field of nouveaux
Dreams. Horizons.
\
Looking to further a research career in the
fields of natural sciences or engineering?
You could be eligible for a research
scholarship or fellowship.
NSERC (the Natural Sciences and
Engineering Research Council of Canada)
promotes, supports and invests in university
research. From undergraduate to postdoctoral
levels, scholarships and fellowships can help
expand your career and give you the
resources you need to succeed.
To find out more, including competition
dates and deadlines, contact the:
Scholarships and Fellowships Division
NSERC
350 Albert Street
Ottawa, ON K1A1H5
Telephone: (613) 9?5-5521
Faxs (613) 996-2589
Visit our web sites www.nserc.ca
Une carriere en sciences naturelles ou en
genie vous int^resse? Vous pourriez obtenir
une bourse pour faire de la recherche.
Le CRSNG (Conseil de recherches en
sciences naturelles et en g£nie du Canada)
est charge de promouvoir et d'appuyer la
recherche universitaire et d'y effectuer des
investissements, Une bourse de recherche,
du premier cycle au niveau postdoctoral,
peut donner un essor a votre carriere et
contribuer 4 votre rihissite professionnelle.
Pour obtenir plus de renseignements, dont les dates des
concours et les kheaticiers, veuiltez vous adresser i la ,-
Division des programmes de bourses
CRSNG      .    **■•:
350, rue Albert
Ottawa (Ontario) (CIA 1H5
Telephone: (613) 995-5521
M&opieur i (613) 996-2589
Consultez notre site Web: www.crsng.ca
NSERC
CRSNG
Investing in peopfo; discovery and innovation
Investir dans les gens, (a dicouvects et /'innovation
Canada
MASTER*/
FINANCIAL
ECONOMICS
Master of Financial Economics Program
University of Toronto
150 St. George Street
Toronto, Ontario M5S 3G7
The Master of Financial Economics Program at the University
of Toronto is a small enrollment, collaborative program.7      • ;
, between the Department of Economics and the Re<trrtani ■ .;,;■
; School of Management? The Program equips talent^ students
with the tools required for successful: careers irt*$§ financial;,::
■ sector by merging the theoretical, analytical and.quantitative
components of an MA in Economics with tliet practical and* ■-'    .'
applied case-based studies of.MBA firKMce $Qi^5es,7:
: TpeMFE program is at thejdrefronf of tn^*rteiwfrepd.towards- :.:
' increased specialization in gj-qduate programs;; In Edition io,::;
.the'eore course requirements^ students pre'ablejOjhbQs^elfectiveS";
from both economics and mariagemeijf fa, individualize their '..-
'-; program arid rtKjre closely fribfehitwithjfe'^cgreerob|ectives.
MFE graduate|:fiaye been employee) ii% cryqriety;af area's2244'4
;iri tfiefinancial system including; banking* economic research,-,■■->
portfolio mariqgem.fnt, risfe.manageiT)ent>'c6nsu!ti.ng a'nd*th«f v
'•■ public sector^ 77,-/7 *:7^ 77'r'■-■ -''*": 44: ''44'--4442i -4 '■■'■ *."
Applicants must have completec^br bg> in tf>£ final y|lgr of",. 2
cqmpleting a four-year or Honours Degree in.anundergraduate
program. Preference will be given tq applicants who hqve"
: completed advanced level courses iri economics, mathematics,
Commerce and statistics.; v ' ;■'•. /v. 7 - : ■
Application deadline: February 1, 200,4,\ .7' ,.>■;;:
\ For additional program/admission ghd application 7.7'.
;.information,;please visit the MFE Web site or cpnfactthe*:   ;.
pogrom Coordinator at [416j 978:8d23,/! 4;y4*2;7'■';.'7 (\*
www.economf <s *,uf ororif^cd/mf e/
Wt'lf te (?^<R'&(&& tflii$h0r$freak*  Like crazyjapan^e grHi^s^ws?
sod&wet ■ ■ yy^oy^fyy. 4'y'4
We have so much "in common: It would?
bea pityif you forgot about its over the
I   winter break.       :
Come back to us. First issue of the
*   winter term on stands January 6, 20P4,
7 THEUBYSSEY
" UBERSEXY SINCE 1918
Ubyssey quotables
Here are some of the quotes that we enjoyed over the past four months.
Some of them were lit to print at the time, some of them weren't entirely relevant, but all of them are at least a Httle entertaining. Enjoy! ♦
ilnnk those guys are nut
—Spencer Keys, Alma Mater
Society (AMS) councillor, on
an anti-war group that asked for
support from the AMS
'He's got the face for print news."
—Chris Ste Croix, AMS senate representative, on Spencer Keys
'Another really astounding thing is
that this idiot Bush in his press conference with Blair [last month]
referred to [prisoners in Guantanamo Bay] as 'illegal non~combatai>ts.'
He didn't even know his terminolo- *
gy. This is the problem: we have a
complete ignoramus who is president of the United States."
—Colin Campbell, Canada research
chair in US Government and politics,
on the Guantanamo Bay prisoners
"The problem: you've got to have fire
alarms and students don't want to
write tests." ,• ;, ■
—Robert Gateman, UBC Economics
professor, on exam disruption
"There have been strong'conversations between Sam [Saini, VP
External] and TransLink, but
TransLink's a monopoly. Tough.
Please don't quote me on that one,
please. r wouldn't say they're the evil
empire..I just didl"
—Bernie Peets, AMS General
Manager, on U-Pass negotiations
"It operates like  one big family
chequebook*
—Brian Sullivan, UBC VP Students,
on tuition allocation
"It's always so exciting to see yourself
in printl"
—Michelle Aucoin, coordinator for
die VP Students Office
"I am personally willing, as it
were, to get in bed with
commercialisation."
—Chris Ste Croix, AMS
senate representative, on
Smart   Media   coupon
machines in die SUB
Sketches by Paul Carr
"I fell for that one. It happens."
—Scott Price, AMS councillor, on
why people would use a coupon-
spewing, epilepsy-inducing cash
dispenser
"[Ivan Drury] is a confused, arrogant,
belligerent man-boy."
—from    an    e-mail    insulting
StopWar.ca member Ivan Drury that
was distributed at a StopWar.ca
meeting
"Maybe we should have a bass-use
policy."
- —Dave Tompkins, AMS councillor,
on music emanating from SUB ballroom during a council meeting.
' "Again, funny. But inappropriate,
Dave."
—Jason Loxton^ Speaker of AMS
Council charged with enforcing
order in Council
"The bike co-op will use some sweat
equity."
—Michael Kingsmill, AMS designer,
on upcoming bike co-op renovations.
"This is not a support group for
urban ablebodied white guys."
—Jonathan Hanvelt, director of the
pro-feminist Allies resource group
"It is sort of like plumbing: if you
haven't got it you really notice."
—Susan Mair, wireless program
director, on UBC's wireless internet
"Wow! Put that in the newspaper."
—Sam   Saini,   AMS   VP
External ii it# smu pi oiT miia wmmoti unmhb
Put Michael
tacs
i:
■ v.
Ns^
r ■ ,-
Like in that classic court picture1,
our favourite celebrity, Michael
Jackson, lost more than his nose
this time. All the king's horses
and all the king's men couldn't
figure out how to put MJ back
together again. So it's up to you:
make young Michael bust out
"Rockin' Robin", or replicate his
"We Are The World' campaign.
Or try your hand at making him
look normal again; you can't
really make it any worse.
(grab crotch and scream: whoo!)
'   *1
! t .
.-"
f
'/9' #> THE UBYSSEY
f Yea?S    SHU getting picked up aiS5.
Csv\ mt UDTddET / Mm
*£^ Still getting picked up at 85. . .•*"") I jW
w
Yk, at the Ubyssey, the official student newspaper of UBC, feel that we should be doing our most to recognize and
encourage activities and events that develop and strengthen a sense of community on campus. For our 80th, r>
anniversary in 199$, we established a $50,000 endowment that will fund the Ubyssey Community Contribution
Award. This annual award recognizes a returning UBC Student who has made a significant contribution to developing
and strengthening the sense of community on the UBC campus by: .      '
1. Organizing or administrating an event or project, or
2. Promoting activism and awareness in an academic, cultural, political recreational or social sphere.
The award is open to all returning, full-time, UBC students, graduate, undergraduate and unclassified in good
standing with the Ubyssey Society. For our 85th anniversary, we will award two $3,000 awards for projects last year
and this year. Decisions Will be made in late January 2004 and awards will be disbursed to the successful candidates
, in early February 2004- 7
Nominees for the award wpl be judged on:
1. The impact of the contribution made - the number of people involved or affected .
2. The extent of the contribution - the degree to which it strengthens the sense of community on campus,
3. ■ The innovation of the contribution - preference will be given to recognizing a new contribution over the administration of an existing one.
4. The commitment of the individual to UBC ■
as a community.                              ■'•.■'■                     -
Nominations should include a cover letter by the nominator, either an individual or a group, briefly stating the nature
of the contribution made,' thie individual being nominated, contact information of the nominator and the noifiinee.
and a letter (approximately, 500 word's in length) describing the contribution made and how the above four criteria
havebeenmet 7  ■"-, ■'■-',   '-'■'. - .- ' "
Students are welcome to nominate themselves, But those.doing so must attach a letter of support from another
member of the campus community. The award will be judged by a committee chaired by a representative of UBC
Student Financial Assistance and Award? office and members from various parts of the campus community.
Deadline for submission of completed nominations should reach the Ubyssey, room 23, SUB, no later than Monday
December 15i 2003. For further information, please contact Fernie Pereira, Business Manager, The Ubyssey, at
(604) 822-6681 or emaiti^reira@interchange,ubcca Sony CD Walkman powered by
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*
NGSON 1 CD
Carrying around your CD collection can be a drag -- literally, With^Sofl  :'  :
software, you can easily burn 490 songs, at 48kbps, onto a CD. An/J' ■ , ._-
aren't 2 minute songs, those are 4-mmute songs. Compressed in ATP *.:'
format, you carl take your music library anywhere you go. ' •
\ ;'•■
LITY SOUND
A lot of music compression lets you store more music but it all sounc
Sony's ATRAC3pfus compression actually bumps up the quality of MP^
and lets you equalize them so you don't get varying volume levels that
pierce your eardrums.-
TWA RE INCLUDED
-onicStage Simple Burner™ software comes with every ATRAC3plus
Walkman player. It converts your MPS downloads easily and quickly or
— you won't need, to learn a whole new technology to do it. Plus, you
your CD open ended so you can add songs later.
!^iWJVIP3S TOO!
ti'
Your Sony ATRAC3pius CD Walkman player is even friendly with the IV
you burned to play on your PC. So, you can play ATRAC3p'us or MR
CDs and, with some players, the radio as wellt
\
?/
ON THE LCD
All ATRAC3plus CD Walkman players have ID3 tagging that
lets you see which folders and songs you are playing on the
>.J,,I>\
'OiiukfiJI
f   y     J ...       *
STARTING FROM  7 ,'
ONLY        4
i
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r
>
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j;
i
VJ. '■
*. ..'
V*
r
THE ULTIMATE IN SOUND
QUALITY AND SLIM DESIGN     -
• DNE1, $249.99* $[     ^   ..    '
TUNE IN TO AM/FM
OR CD ON THE GO \
• DNFS11, $179 99*    \
/
V
i
&
'*.*
•9

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