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The Ubyssey Apr 2, 2004

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CANADA'S WEAKLY NOGSEWVGAZBNE I www maciames.ca
APRIL £ 2004
UNIVi-ittirii.G *)()'!■
MEASURING EXCELLENTNESS AN INSIDER'S QUIDS
BY MAN FROWNS-AT-JOHNSON
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CANADA'S WEAKLY NOOSEMAGAZINE
Cover Story
MACLAME'S
UNIVERSITY
RANKINGS
Comparing Point Grey institutions in all categories
except class size.
18-19
Features
Ducks I They're not chickens
They're not turkeys. What the hell
are they?
Mad cow I I've got it
What the sam hell are you looking
at? Piss off.
2 9 Aliens | it's what's for dinner
You're eating ventricular ectoplasm. How about a side salad?
3 Bacne| Admit it
Popping parties in a neighbourhood
near you. Squish.
1  7   Cheney | Picking up the pacemaker
But the vice-president's cold heart
beats inexorably on.
Naked | Everyone has a neighbour
Who needs blinds? Curtains? A
waste of resources, really.
\
:v
• t
/■
•■■>'. ,:
Sections
5 THE MALE
6 UP YOURS
RESOURCES
SCO REGARD R_temypoo.com
FACE SUIVEE Osama, Laum and Lloyd
INFERNO ^ues, fi^ everywhere. Everywhere!
CRAZZZY
PASSAGES
1 4  BLOWING GOATS
PEEPS Snorkellng, spelunking and thick soups
FINISH THE SENTENCES _*_*<>
FILM  Corporations or asphixiation? You decide
RANTING  So different than raving
RAVING
Columns
4    The Editrix's Letter
8     Fairy Manigan
2 3 Alien Fatheringham
2 0  Pryin' Da Johnson
FOR A GOOD TIME, VISIT http://AIPHA_ROME033.TRIPOD.COM/TNGHETSMUT.HTMLTXT, REALLY, GO THERE,
MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004     3 THE
.jW**,*
«____)___» _________!
BLATHER
COWER BEFORE ME!
Vs not easy being sc
hawe a special isttie
. irttin
secre
YES, WEAK-WILLED, DOCILE Macldmes reader. Look into my beady, fearsome little eyes.
Marvel at the supple power in the shape of my jawline, the subtle yet ferocious bulk of my
shoulders. I am huge! I am intimidating.
Canada, cower before me!
I am the editor of Canada's weekly newsmagazine. I have an intimidating, triple-barreled name. I am 67". I am a well put-
together man.
People know this. The photograph above
isn't everything; I embody it. I beat the shit
out of my stress ball when other journalists
are watching. I often growl. I drop hints at
the Maclame's water cooler that I've shot-put
irascible dwarves. And people are scared.
They know I'll do it again.
Canada listens. When I tell UBC how
many kids to put in its classes, it listens.
Because this is Canada's fucking weekly news
magazine, / am Canada's fucking weekly
newsmagazine.
But it's lonely at the top. Sometimes that
power schtick doesn't feel so good. It's not
intimate. My best friends complain of a
burning feeling when I look at them, and
Deirdre can be so cold. Like my writing,
power can be heavy, and that's when I need
to come to work with the feeling of lace,
latex and leather under my clothing and on
my skin.
Then, when I strut into the office on
Mount Pleasant Road, my confidence held
up by a silk brassiere, I
can bark orders even to
the American president,
"Only 15 per cent of
Canadians like you," I
say, bosom heaving,
torso straining against
my corset, sweating in
my leather pants. It feels
so good.
I decide which jobs
at Maclame's stay and
which ones go, all with
the exhilarating feeling
of "Sweet Heart Lace"
lingerie. It's much classier than closing the
Eastern bureau in fishnets-which are so
drafty.
Did you know that my beady eyes get
beadier with a flash of green mascara? That
my shoulders get broader with the frills of a
satin slip? That a man is more ofa man when
he's greased up like a bald monkey?
I found myself applying Maybelline during the last layoffs. I realized that with a
champagne lip-smack, a bat of the eyelashes,
I could order any Maclame's bureau to shut
down. I would even enjoy it.
Look at you, AWS. Look at you.
Beautiful. God, it's enough to make my nipple-tassels stand on end. That's just the sort
of mood to be in when...oh, my chest is fluttering. I feel it coming on again.
UBC! George W Bush! Maclame's grunts,
slaving away!
Cower before me!
Obey.
God, I love it when I say that.
I just love it.
7^i<&£
shutyourcakehole@maclames.ca for shits and giggles
MACLAME'S
CANADA'S WEAKLY NOOSEMAGAZINE
Chief Wanker:
Da Shit Wanskta:
Jonathan Woodwand
Momoko Price
Executive Wankers:
Wankstas in Da Club
Hywel Tuscano
Laura Sue
Raul Can
Peter Klesken
to Cheung
Wanker Spanking
Wanker Prankers:
Wangstas:
Megan TTiomas
LV Vander von Axander
John Hua
Soroush Samavi
Wanker Spankers:
The Wanking Po-Po:
Jesse Marchand
SamanUra McDonald
Heather Pauls
HoutanTahaei
Michelle Mayne
EricSzeto
Levi Barnett
Ice Ice Wanker:
Sarah Bourdon
ADMINISTRATION
Bryan Zandberg
Manager of the
Universe:
Wankstas:
Cast of Fnaggle Rock '
Karen Waiti
Universe Assistant:
Alex Leslie
God
49 Cent Wankstas:
Cartoon:
Paul 'Basil" Evans
GlJoe
Soheil Samavi
Contributing Wanker
Dan "D-Mad' McRoberts
HeMan
How to Reach Us
By carrier pigeon:
■For submissions,
really creative insults:
■For letters to the
use German Fork-
editor, proposals of
marriage: use
Australian Saddleback
Tumbler
Place letter firmly in your
pigeon's beak and set off
from the top of a tall building
into a dear blue sky. Make
Tailed Trumpeter
We reallly don't want to hear
from you. So don't bother.
Give your pigeon a rest. It
deserves it. Show your
appreciation. Stir up a pigeon-
sized martini, and invite a
Giant Maltoquina (Spanteh
sure to pack your pigeon a
breed) over for the night.
healthy snack
Just leave us the fuck alone.
Maclame's Subscriber Services
On the Web:
On-line service-soe Customer
Services below.
vvww.rmclames.ca/wedon'th
aveseixicesvw'reaspoofiack-
asssetoceywrselfwhatisthisei
whorehouse?!l/besffriend9-
forever!
By phone:
1-888-MACLAMES
(1-888-&%#-@!#)
In Toronto:
We aren't in Toronto. Idiot.
Office hours:
Neverday nevertime PST.
By mail:
Dont send us any mail. We
wont read it. Unless we're
drunk. Then we'll laugh at it.
By e-mail:
Dont send us any e-mail
either. Unless it's offerings of
erotic Star Trek fan fiction.
Do it to me Riker.
Customer Care
Services:
There are none. We don't
care about you.
Mail preferences:
Picky picky. Just cuz there's
pigeon tund all over your mail.
We print on magenta paper
for a modest extra charge of
live thousand dollars.
4    MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004
THE UBYSSEY MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BASTARDISATION OF CANADIAN NEWS 'What is this, the National Post? Do some proofread-
mC|!    -Lord Conrad Black, London, England. Not Ontario.
Horse Floggin'
Normally I leave it up to you to flog a dead
horse, but your cover story of the February 9
issue, "Hope you lose, eh," goes too far. It is
crass and disrespectful to belittle our
American neighbours, and it's just too damn
easy. Leave it to the experts at This Hour Has
22 Minutes, who are actually paid by our government to do this.
Rick Mercer, CBC Studios,
Toronto, Ont.
PS You knew I was gay. That wasn't a scoop.
Get over it.
Pokin' Through
Your March 16 feature "Two-ply for a
smooth ride," really chapped my ass. Did
writer Papier Dilletante actually do any
research? You'd think she hadn't had a bowel
movement in years. And what's up with the
anacronistic poo talk? It's not a "ringer," you
fools, it's a coiler. Further, the drizzle shits
haven't been called "the skitters" since The
Grapes ofWrath. Gawd, I'd say you guys have
your heads up your asses, but it's quite clear
you haven't got a clue about number two.
The French say it best: Mange ma merde.
Martha Wiper, Point Grey, BC
Gel coverage uplifting
I'd like to commend you for your balanced
coverage of AndroGel™, the testosterene
jelly that impotent old fellas like myself rub
all over their upper torsos to achieve, as your
writer Robert Hercz so eloquendy put it,
"better bones." Lately, I haven't even been
able to get it up on the dance floor when I'm
trollin for honeys at the Pit [ the meat market up at UBC -ed ]. Aw shit, wait a second,
I was reading Tow magazine! You suck
Maclame's.
Joe Flaccid, Kitsilano, BC
'TERROR TA^EtSfSI%INs|t;STAHsSroi>DEB;MDEO:(JAMESE
MACLAME'S
w       SS^"*^^       & ^K^As&kfc*^..   :
The Divided mind
As a person similarly suffering from Attention
Deficit Disorder, I found your article (ooh
shiny hair!) to resonate with the struggles I've
faced (did somebody float a biscuit?) over the
past decade. As a matter of fact (how you say
'scuba diver' in Esperanto?), it convinced
myself and my spouse (why won't she watch
Matlock with me?) to renew our subscription
for another (damn you Nietzsche!) year.
Sam (bum is itchy) Tab, Burnaby, BC
Teen Trouble
What author Sheila Leaterlicks failed to
recognise in her story "Gyrating Britanny
wannabes" is that the youth of today are
incorrigible in their behaviour. My advice is:
lock 'em up for the first eighteen years, and
don't take any of their bad music, bad haircuts, or bad attitude.
Nardwuar the Human Serviette,
North Vancouver, BC
Tickle-me MJ
As a 42-year-old live-at-home bachelor, I feel
that your feature "Livin Large on my Futon"
in the March 21 issue is a gross misrepresentation of family-orientated bachelorhood. I have been a practising 'man-child'
for approximately my entire life and have
experienced first-hand the bountiful good
living at home as a mid-life crisis dependent
has to offer. Of course, I have no means of
comparison never living anywhere else than
in the comfort of my mother's bosom.
However, looking statistically at how well
men-children are doing in society today, it is
impossible to ignore that this way of life is
not only dignified, but can also be seen as
preferable. A few names to prove my point:
President W. Bush moved straight out of the
family ranch into the White House. It is a
fact that Barbara keeps W's room just the
way he left it for the ending of his term.
Another sparkling contribution to society
and man-child is the King of Pop, Michael
Jackson. MJ believes so strongly in this
method of bachelorhood that he has taken it
upon himself to reach men-children early—
at the stage of childhood. By hosting a children's camp at Neverland Ranch, Jackson is
working hard to touch children in that special way, tickling and giggling their way into
maturity. I rest my case. So the next time
you see us men-children in the dark corner
of a club, drinking Zima and scoping out
the women's washroom, feel free to give us a
high-five.
Enoch "Growing boy" Zimmerman,
Narcissus, Sask.
Alien legions of doom
In "Speed Freak Space Demons,"
(Feature, February 27), your writer claims
that our inevitable alien overlords will
crush us with charm, wit, intelligence and
smooth manners, rather than in a frenzy
of maniacal destruction with lots of
stomping, as the movies have led me to
believe.
It is this kind of demented ranting that
I have come to expect from experimental
performance art, not from your usual tree-
killing dentist's office brand of banality
that has come to stand for 'magazine' in
Canada.
Keep up the good work. Way to go, Mr.
Mansbridge!
Dwight Robbins, Oshawa, Ont.
MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004    5 IPyours
Vi.f
WORLD
OOPS An interconnected series of caves
in the mountainous region between
Afghanistan and Pakistan exploded today, in
multiple coordinated blasts. In a videotape,
al-Qaeda blamed themselves.
FOOD Food giant Krafty jumped onto the
Fatkins bandwagon this week when it
announced that the fake, plastic powdered
cheese found in Krafty Thinner is not technically a carbohydrate. "Neither is it a protein nor a fat molecule," said a representative,
saying that it can help consumers lose
weight. Emaciated students everywhere
starved to death in protest.
JAIL Martha Stewart is putting out a new
book enititled Martha Stewart's prison special:
The perfect prison hit. The book explains how
to tunnel out using the spoon from last
night's dinner, jammed down your esophagus. "When in prison, I prefer to use a slightly greased torso to fit through the bars," said
Stewart. "And that's a good thing."
NEW YORK Independent cafes are no
longer a growth industry, because they're out
of the puns necessary to make a shop succeed. There are no more Higher Grounds or
Bean Around the Worlds; now, all that's left
is Bean Counter, Has-Bean, and Ground
Zero.
GRAFFITI Lifeguard Bjom Daschle saw
unexpected graffiti when he sat down in a
Toronto public pool toilet stall: "If I profane with my unworthiest hand/This holy
shrine, the gende fine is this: /My lips, two
blushing pilgrims, ready stand/To smooth
that rough touch with a tender kiss." When
he looked to the other side of the stall to find
other beautiful thoughts scrawled in sharpie,
he saw, "I fucked your mom."
ANNEXATION The University of British
Columbia (UBC) last week annexed six
other institutions, dubbing them all satellites
of what is now Canada's largest university. It
is also expected that the addition of the
Universities of Alberta (UBC-Northeast),
Calgary (UBC-East), Manitoba (UBC-
Prairies), and Toronto (UBC-Toronto),
along with the Emily Carr Institute of Art
and Design (UBC-Art) and the University of
Victoria (UBC-By the Sea) will finally make
UBC number one in next year's Maclame's
rankings.
TERRORISM Canada is still unprepared for
a large-scale terror attack, particularly on a
port, according to a Senate committee report
that said too many central government agencies were disorganized and inadequately
staffed. In a press conference, a bunch of
skateboarding kids by the Vancouver port
confirmed that the ports were indeed insecure.
DRUGS On the upswing, Canada's ports are
prepared for major drug unloading in the
coming months. "Obviously all drugs that
go into the States are filtered in through lazy
border guards," said an irate man found hiding under a bench. Aspirin and Viagra are
among the expected drugs to come across in
the upcoming months.
LOOKING After a lengthy legal batde, the
Vancouver Stun has learned that in late 2002,
a UBC team of assorted scientists were dispatched to Simon Fraser University to look
for illegal weapons of mass destruction. UBC
has claimed that SFU has illegal weapons
and that the campus radio station possibly
has several Anthrax albums. A special envoy
from SFU has denied the allegations and
invited the inspectors to return with a neutral observer from BCIT. The whole thing is
rather hush-hush. SFU students are eyeing
the statue of Terry Fox warily.
FIRE An expected half of British Columbia
will burn this forthcoming summer in what
firefighters are calling the worst dry weather
ever. The situation, affectionately referred to
as '2003 Part II: the Phantom Flamers,'
could cost BC citizens many fire extinguishers. Efforts to prevent the mass destruction of
trees and houses are underway. Old men are
preemptively burning grassy areas in some
sort of pathetic attempt to be "ahead of the
game," according to Ned Leroi.
CANADA
MEASURED While NDP Leader Jack
Layton girds his loins for an expected
election call, he may also want to get a
pair of lifts. At a pre-election weigh-in
last weekend in Toronto, it was revealed
that his height is a paltry 5'6 1/2", and
he is therefore a 'short man,' particularly
when compared to Paul Martin, whose
head alone is half that height. Layton
faces an uphill battle convincing voters
that he is neither too left-wing nor too
short to lead Canada into the future.
OfeW*!W «M»*tfw c»flwn toww
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6    MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004
THE OLD GUTS WIFE TOOK THE: PHOTOS Hy
YOURS
SCIENCE | HEALTH
FINDINGS A team of researchers w 01 k-
ing across seven different univei sines
across the country have conduiud
empirical research over several years, and
announced last Tuesday that Hamilton,
Ontario is "Canada's No. 1 shithok
Also making the list were Dartmouth
NS, Lethbridge, AB, and Burnaby, Bl
MEDICINE Ambitious children in ilk
rural community of Abbotsford luu
commenced an in-depth research aimed
at dispelling the myths about the nudii.-
inal sniffing of glue. "Our brains is ]usi
good now," said their ringkadu
Alphonso. "Pancakes?"
S
y
x
X
s
X
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"*"**HWI
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ASTHMA According to a science eqx 11-
ment   conducted   by   fifth   gradeis
Brendan Keelie and Martin Frengi, ilk
Lower Mainland of British Columbia is
Canada's most ideal location to develop asthma. Findings encourage locals to move north
where there are less methane-producing
dairy enterprises and pollution drifting in
daily from Vancouver.
"Well no shit," said Fred Kilpatrick, the
boys' teacher. "Everyone from Langley to
Chilliwack can hardly breathe. I don't see
how anyone can grow up here and not die a
smokers death."
EDUCATION University of British Columbia students protested what they called a
government attack Tuesday as the BC government announced a $393 million donation to their university. Claiming that the
money brings too much government influence, students railed against money from the
provincial and federal governments, and
then fingered the private sector. Then they
said they wanted free tuition.
ATTENTION A recent study conducted by
Dr. Liam Mahon found that setting your
arm on fire and dancing manaically in from
ofa lecture hall of 14 year olds will increase
their attention span from 16 minutes to
nearly 30, given that within that time frame
the arm stays lit. Mahon's results will revolutionize the way Canadian middle school is
taught, speculated Burnaby School District
spokesperson Mindy Kromanda.
'-««,.„.
»-n>
(»**•*,
MARTHA University of British Columbia
President Martha Wiper has been awarded
the President's Choice Environmental
Award. The prize: a new Hummer. "This is
so much better than my old Hummer. This
will make me come so much faster," said
Wiper. "To class," she added, smirking.
FAR AWAY Archbishop Bloh Mee-Hyan
was impeached by his fractious opposition-
controlled legislature for voting against a law
they had in some country somewhere. Now,
he'll be out of office for a long time and
f»1w,l v**» fw? $&& #*.* iwafft 'ib j
•tews* flaw**,       ' ' '. "''",
someone will take his place...you don't need
more detail, do you? It's all right here, you
know?
CANCER Everything causes cancer. Iffll
o
«'r«B»*i^
\_ #^*\
-,»**   _     ni ftiiiiiiiiimfc
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM: PHOTOS BY FEATHER MISTY POOF
MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004     7 YOURS
ury Wanigati | o.\ yv*e tx&ues
REFRESHMENTS, PLEASE
Stephen Harper—what does he have to~
offer Canadians who just like blondes?
NOW THAT the Conservative Party has
finally united itself under the capable Leader
of Her Majesty's Official Opposition, there is
just one question hanging in Canadians'
minds: What about Belinda? She still has her
corporate empire to fall back on, but what
excuse do average Canadians have to read
about her now that the pretext created by the
Tory leadership campaign is over? Let's face
it, Stronach's refreshing take on Canadian
politics, her refreshing good looks and, especially, her refreshing lack of experience in
anything related to government have done a
far better job of unifying front-page headlines across the country than a united right
could ever hope. Here are just a few of the
reasons Canada needs to hang onto its latest
media sensation, even thought she's never
done anything newsworthy:
e~ Sure, she may not have political opinions on anything, but neither do Harper and
the rest of the Conservative Party.
*r" The world needs refreshing blonde
business tycoons. Martha Stewart has Men
from grace, but Belinda Stronach has never
been charged with insider trading or obstruction of justice. Yet.
f~ Belinda Stronach: refreshing. Stephen
Harper: not refreshing.
e~ 'Credible' news sources like ours can't
get away with running a page three girl. Take
pity on the respectable Canadian businessman who just wants a little titillation with his
morning dose of interest-rate predictions.
e~ There is nothing linking Stronach to
the Liberal sponsorship scandal, the staggering HIV-infection rate of Swaziland, or
coups in Haiti. Who doesn't want to read a
feel-good story like that? It's not all doom
and gloom in the world, folks.
f Stronachmania may not have a good
ring to it, but Belindamania sounds like it
could sell Canadian newsmagazines.
e~ Please buy Canadian newsmagazines.
Maclame's is hurting. We love you and your
subscriptions so much. flfl
MACLAME'S
\'\K
\
Hi, my name is Martog. When
I'm not scavenging human
carcasses for assimilation, I'm
hanging out in the history
lounge or volunteering for
Colour Connected. I slither to
school in a fetid mass of my
own pus, and yes...
f do read SHaclame's.
1.***/.
Osama Bin Laden
The international man of mystery is about to
become the world's most wanted man for a
completely different reason. On April 10th, bin
Laden will premiere his newest release live on
al-Jazeera. Perhaps his most anticipated
recording, Jihad Jams, promises to bring all
the anti-American funk any good mujhaddin
can handle. Bin Laden is expected to embark
on a triumphant tour of the Great Satan, with
an exclusive appearance already scheduled on
Ryan Seacrest's new show.
-; * c* -4s,,s*
<*   *
.**
He might not quite
match our own Peter
Mansbridge for unrelenting sexiness, but
CTV's veteran news
reader certainly contains more botox per
square inch. "A little
injection here and
there never hurt anyone," Robertson
says, the corner of
his mouth drooping
slightly. The botox
route was recently
decided upon by
CTVs senior news
producer after the
network received
several complaints
about Robertson's
ever-increasing levels
of makeup. An
added plus with the
injection treatment is
that it will extend
Robertson's shelf-life
at least ten years.
Laura B®st
Maclame's will be
keeping an eye on
Ms. Best, the year's
most devoted media
whore. During her
tenure as Asinine
Mammal Society
(AMS) VP Academic,
Ms. Best did her
"bestest" to redefine
the term "media
whore," making passionate love to all
and every media
form: print, radio,
film, A&E Special
Presentation,
Internet, and carrier
»
s^aafe
txv*
L, -£__£
pigeon. What's next
for Ms. Best? Her
very own book: Ms.
Camera Sex Appeal:
Today's guide for the
young female media
whore.
8     MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004 YOURS
&1ar.sbiriGge on iae Record
$M   TRIPS I'VE TAKEN
■*'   J*!!*-,
It's become challenging to
interesting in Canada
UaVU
tmaSmm
SOME RANDOM thoughts about life in
Toronto-a life filled with grandeur, hubris
and ever so many romantical misunderstandings. I've hired a lovely, yet sturdy house
maid to wipe the drool off my chin.
Go down any street in Toronto (T.O.,
Hogtown, Mansbridge Court, if you will)
and you will find people. All sorts of different, less interesting people than I. The most
intriguing and less interesting person that I
encountered on Toronto boulevards in the
past three hours was the prominent visage of
Jean Bichonfrisard, forward for 1968
Toronto Maple Leafs (the people's erstwhile
champions-and, for the folks at la chasse-
galarie, that was a very good year).
After examining my card and muttering a
confused 'alio,' I led Mr. B (I christened him
that-cute!) to an idyllic outdoor cafe, the
Zebra Mollusk, on the shores of mighty lac
Ontario. Propane-heated land in hand, I
commented that my book on his storied
team had indeed painted him in a forgiving,
if not favourable light (for those few
Canadians who don't recall, old 'number 56'
missed a pivotal playoff jeu due to an errant
stir stick in the eye). Jean took it in stride,
belly-laughing at my attempts to make him
sample the bistro's namesake appetizer. He's a
great treasure. A wax bust of'56' now adorns
my upstairs study and arcade.
Travelling in my
business is, regrettably, a
necessity. Cynthia can't
do without yours truly
around to open the
garage door (the button
says push, dear) or summon Peregrine. I was
deeply offended when
the CBC (the Mother
Corp, that snake in serpent's clothing) refused
to let him accompany
me to that jewel of a
nation, Libya-of all things! Despite this crippling lack of indulgence, Mr. Khadafi's
sprawling palace and numerous peasant
wenches satiated me. I'll admit to being bested by Moammar during our annual three-
day game of Monopoly, not capitalising on
the ever-crucial New York and Illinois districts. Mistakes are made, bets are lost,
harems are traded. Tra la.
When the new Malaysian Prime Minister
consented to an interview, thereby diverting
me from the Hong Kong Medieval
Recreationists' Convention, I found him to
be the cold, imperious fellow I had described
in an earlier column. What is noticeable
about him in person is his height, and
weight, and his general appearance. He is, in
a word, like the photograph I downloaded:
Striking. Eye-catching, breathtaking, wow,
really.
They always ask me to keep my columns
brief. I consented to a 1200-word maximum
but obviously this is still too verbose for the
likes of that 'fellow' whose musings appear
avant moi. Does he not realise that my actual speaking time on the The National is edited down to a scant 15 minutes? Outrageous
does not begin to explain it. Ridiculous, silly,
fanatical, nasty and wrong, I say.
Do Mr. Rather, Brokaw or Jennings get
cut into with cultural sidebars, heritage
moments and 'quality children's programming?' How about this for a Canadian heritage moment, Tony? That glorious day in
Canadian history when you get your ass
canned and begin your new and exciting job
as editor of the 'Also Noted' section of the
Sechelt Women's Club Weekly.
Now, to colour this snow on the roof, as it
were. And yes, the beard did tickle. Cynthia
said so. M
Peter Mansbridge is Chief Correspondent of CBC
Television, News and Anchor of The National after he
rode Knowlton Nash out of town on CP rail. Stuart
Maclean wrote a story about it, I think.
Passages
SOCKED IT TO Confjordian education
student Ken Limson socked it to The Man
during an intense debate concerning library
etiquette. "I shouted, 'Yeah you think you're
all that!'" said Limson to his squinting,
vague adversary. "He really let that prick
have it," said witness J. Thims. The Man
reportedly flared his nostrils and wiped his
moist upper Up in response.
''", '•"-: V," .> , The effects of cyclopsism in
literary devices, by a New Jersey Mensa club.
Group spokesman Ord Samuel said
cyclopses are stigmatized in literary circles
for "not having any perception of anything."
Samuel later tripped on his untied shoelaces
and injured himself. Samuel's Mensa colleagues all wear slip-ons.
";"> .-" For bravery, a honey-glazed
ham and bronze plaque were presented to
Burnaby, B.C. toddler Bruce "Chubby
Knees" Diette for pulling the family dog's
tongue out ofa lightsocket. Diette gummed
the ham for an hour, shit himself and took a
nap. Canine companion, Thorston, now
suffers from a permanendy erect tail and
buggy eyes.
i- - ' ' < A 17 year-old Halifax girl
recendy discovered she is not firing on all
cylinders. "What the fuck?!" yelled Paige
Peterson. "I drink V8! I have a yoga ball and
my gout cleared up!" Boyfriend Tom
Dinkbarten later prevented Peterson from
gnawing her one good ear off.
93 year-old Winifred
Fredmonds recendy thought about the
selection of home-made jams and jellies
which she made and donated to her local
Rotary Club and concluded that she ought
to make more. The thought is big news to
her home town of Jopertrain, Manitoba,
because nothing ever happens there.
> • Mission United
Church recendy broke its own record of
consecutive pancake breakfasts held on
Saturdays. Church elder Don Mesnam said
the rural BC congregation is gearing up to
challenge the national record, currendy held
by no one. Mission United Church only
uses whole wheat flour and distilled water
for its flapjacks.
CtOCKWISE FROM TOP TO LEFT; PETER MANSBRIDGE WTH THE HAIR HE LONGS FOR
MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004    9 error
AFTER THE RECENT attacks in Spain, Canada remains hopelessly insecure. "Do my ankles look fat?" asked Ralph Goodale in the final nervous moments before delivering last week's budget, Even considering his
recent elevation to Finance Minister, Mr. Goodale still is not quite sure
if Prime Minister Paul Martin "really likes him," according to one
source. While our crack team of journalists attempted to come up with
possible Canadian Connections to the Terror
Tragedy, the actual people in Spain changed
their minds according to what was going on
at the time.
According to recent polling data,
Canadians are more terrified of the Spanish
than ever. Sixty-five per cent of the 1,257
Canadians asked said they were either "somewhat distressed," "kind of freaked," or "hiding
under the fiickin couch" when asked about
the sudden explosion of democratic choice.
"That will never, never happen here," said
UBC Political Science student Scott
Matthews. "I mean, changing their minds?
That's absurd!"
Since a bad new world of badness was
revealed to us on September 11, 2001,
Canadians have feared Terror, and yet Terror
does not fear Canadians.
While US President George Bush now says
that Iraq's status as "a hotbed quagmire of terror" was one of the motivating factors behind's
last year's trial of lies that led to the no-
Canada-involved War on Perceived Evil and
the invasion of Iraq, there is no end to terror.
Canada remains woefully unprepared for
a major terror attack, almost three years after
that fateful day. Even in Canada's largest city,
which of course fears the most terror, there is
a 15 per cent shortage in current-affairs related souvenirs.
"No, we're ready," said Society for
Improved Tacky Souvenirs of Political
Relevance spokesperson Jody MacFarlane. "I
could easily snap this plastic CN Tower in
half."
Half a world away in Vancouver, picked
twice as Canada's most insecure city, local
MLA Gordon Campbell said that Vancouver
was striving to be the country's number one
terrorist destination.
"We have mountains, sky, sea, like, a
million unregulated entry points, and a
thriving drug trade," said a Tourism
Vancouver spokesperson. "Most hotels
have off-season specials, and we feel
that a terror attack would really
improve the profile of the city abroad,"
he continued.
According to a central Canada-sponsored study, the fortunes of Canada's
Jewel of the West, its Lotusland, would
improve dramatically were terrorists to
strike.
"Over here!" fairly scream the billboards along Robson Street,
Vancouver's fashionable main shopping
drag. "Hit me," says another on the side
of an office tower.
According to the Fraser Institute, a
good dose of Terror would sort out
most of Vancouver's insecurity issues.
During a presentation to the city's
Board of Trade, the institute presented
details from its upcoming report, Grow * * *-
Up, Already: Vancouver and Whatever
Century It Is. With its tight ideological grip
on the pulse of social reality, the report contains such profound ideas as aTerror-themed
Olympics (Terrolympics), gentrification and
re-branding of some of the city's seedier
neighbourhoods (Gastown to Sarintown),
and a shift in the general marketing for the
region (from "Spirit of 2010" to "Terror of
2010").
"Obviously, we can turn the reality of
Terror to our advantage," said one Board of
Trade member. "But we must be prepared
and vigilant for it."
In Ottawa, as Paul Martin's government
■*+M   <*** lt*wf* ***&*lHtH*+. *_■«_«
lurches toward an election, the loose ends of
the Liberal tenure are alternately swept under
rugs and held up in their naked glory for the
scrutiny of the press.
One such end was revealed to great fanfare
only a week ago: a citizen's guide to coping
with Terror situations. Released over a year
since the US Department of Homeland
Security's similar Be Ready (everready.gov)
campaign, Canada's website, eh.ca, contains
tips, guidelines, resource information, and
much paranoid fantasy.
"Canadians can now prepare themselves
for anything," said the new, and no doubt
briefly serving, Special Person for Homeland
10    MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004
HUMPTY DUMPTY/AP Canadians fear Terror,,
but Terror does not fear
Canadians K0R1N WAR '
FEAR ITSELF: 45%
TERROR: 35%
UNSCARED: 20%
FEAR ITSELF: 56%
TERROR: 29%
UNSCARED: 15%
"S?* <*W. £V ' AHtTet"       jf ■  -
6* .Jfj .VSi'VV1   *
FEAR ITSELF: 37%
TERROR: 35%
UNSCARED: 28%
bvxmiit blui.li Conns. 1 he'TO"!jiii, dc\ eloped in two years and with $6.3 billion of
taxpayer dollars, was a venture which
brought together the Ministries of Heritage
and Defense in new and interesting ways,
Copps explained, to no one in particular,
in a large and empty room. HI
korin.war_madames.rogering.com
Jhi. Uniud Suies puisim ni ewldoeis is
IHll Dili) iLJilllllg Unlaid a LUIIlIiISUiII, u is
also gusping .11 sujws. leanis ol Speual
Supei Sllici Sup^ilwin Sv|ii.ids luive beui
disp.iiuii-d uh.vli\ umiei ol till jjolx iIi.il
Mi. .uid Mi.-.. Middle AniLiioi tind even
.s]|gllll\'.Sl..ll\.
Liking die luim ol a bucLi ol waiu,
\L|. aStou K'ralajlk i..\pl.uns lli.a Ins abiliu
io hide in n\ei.s, siiomis. .ind puddles, ,ls
well js in uiban situations w1u.il bikkas ul
wjict 1* m»" iiuund jie LOibidcicd OK
makes liim uniquely capable ot fighting
die war on terrorism, as well as the wars on
evil and Satan.
In this faraway, scary, aid distant land
whose English name ends in Stan, his part-
Bust, preaicts nuciear war wiii come
back into fashion
iut, Ma|. Joltne Mi-Kraken, Likes die lorm
ul ihe i.iiv. Clouded Leopard iNeoielb iitb-
iilos.i'i, whith is louIK' scan.
In Va'ashingLon, the nei\l>-Lie.iu'd
Department oi Supenwin Homeland
Seem u v and Ceiling Re-Lleued holds
d.lll\ piLSS COIIU.ICI'Ua.s, lmpRiSlllg jII with
die adnuni.stuiion's lo\e ol openness hon-
est\, and giaphics.
'Whuosh," said Spokesperson Rush
LimUiugli. "1 ooku lh.iL LiuckeL ol waLei
kick sonic leiTurbi Jib. Bliii"!
"We are so gonna get that evil guy in
time for the convention," said Maj
McKraken, eating a freshly slaughtered
ibex. "We're supcrtwins. We follow
orders."
"Like Jenna and Barbara, Bush Twins!"
burbled Pcrskalk. "No, 1 mean not, That
one's too easy." JOHN INTINIWEENY
MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004     11 -X^.
Pltl BY PAUL HEATHENS
ITS THE PIT
And it's hosting a Bible study
ITS 7PMt ON Wednesday and everyone who is (or isn't) anyone is invited to make their
way to the Pit—the University of British Columbia's campus bar—for the weekly Bible
study and poduck. Boys in modest slacks, dress shirts and knitted sweater vests meander
their way into the venue of fellowship—not too fast now—to meet friends, brethren and
sisterlh. One woman seemingly budges in line, but dont fret. Seconds after, she realises her
mistake and apologises profusely to the others in line. She must be a nice person; she's from
Campus Cruise-Aid for Christ, I think.
"Everyone waits politely in line to go to
Bible study...It's not that there are any peo-
, pie in there. We just came early to get good
seats," some nearby students smile. It's true,
dining with warm, considerate and self-controlled brothers and sisters in Christ is a
great way to spend a Wednesday evening.
That must be why it's so popular.
'"What UBC needs is a wholesome place
where like-minded students can share communion and the word of God," former disciple Matthew wrote in the year 24 CE.
"That and a politically correct venue where
no one will be trying to fornicate with one
another, drink alcohol, normalize dangerous
gender double standards or, God forbid,
undo years of safety awareness work on campus." He envisioned a space where Catholic,
Protestant, Anglican, Baptist, Amish,
Puritan, Mennonite, Quaker, etc., people
can come together and discuss theology over
some unleavened bread.
I'm not sure if unleavened bread is everyone's favourite food,
especially at Bible study
where it's dry, enough
already. I have never
validated gender-related
inequality at the Pit nor
did I drink alcohol,
ever. The Pit is a place
where I've learned to
calm down, worship,
think of the value of
silence and contemplate
the divine. Besides, it's the first place I
learned that if you're happy and you know
it, you should say amen.
The Pit, like Bible college, is renowned as
a meeting place where casual sex is out and
long-term commitment is in. It's "the perfect place to meet your future spouse.
Sometimes they say they're not ready for
marriage, but it only takes that one person
ft.-.iit
for it to be a 'go,'" says Luke Corinth, a regular at Bible study poduck nights.
"It's like a shoe factory. Your so'ts jre
repaired and you leave in pairs," a
Navigatoires member says.
I decide to talk to a young
woman in a blue sweater, hush
puppies and khakis, with a crucifix dangling pendulously from
her neck. She has come to the
Pit oyer forty times for their   ''" "
weekly Bible study and, like        '   "*"'
most club members, comes to   *    '"■'"-
meet that special someone. f" "v
"I've got some 'put there' - -^ ..—
ideas that I don't bring out for many people," she says. Nope. She only expresses
those thoughts to the 'deep' guys and says
that conversation can often be touchy
because of "so many differing views that are
all valid" at the Pit, mosdy due to the mix of
denominations. "Whenever I'm here, I can
express whatever thoughts and emotions,
whenever I want, and I know they will be
respected and listened to. Even debates
about birth control and transubstantiation."
She explains that it's this "diversity and
respect" that makes Bible study night at the
Pit so irresistible. Even Bible translations differ. Amongst the crowd are people with
standard New International Versions, stodgy
old King James versions, 1970s "Jesus was a
hippie" The Way versions and Regent Prof
Eugene Peterson's controversial vernacular
Bible translation, The Message.
Joseph Moses, a second-year UBC
Religious Studies student (and "the holiest
roller on campus," according to himself),
says that guys go to the Pit Bible study for
heated debates about the role of worship
and the laity in their non-denominational
Protestant churches.
"I want to hear songs by Delerious5,
Newsboys and DC Talk in my church,"
t '.
_   "   ■
■JSf^ J
tslilUUiKWi
1 .-r
Moses says. "I like the way
they've taken music genres
'rom mainstream pop culture
and-because it's spiritually
dangerous to listen to nqn-
Christian music-have appropriated their styles to sound
just like Much Music and
Z95.3 bands, except they sing about Jesus
and salvation."
"Me too," says Benjamin Job, another Pit
regular. "I especially like hearing Christian
hard-core acid metal bands like Petri and
kick-bum punk rockers like MXPX scream,
'Jesus loves you,' over screeching guitar solos
and power chords."
But besides their affinity for Christian
pop culture, Job says mpst people come for
the worship songs. "There are these great
hymns like 'Onward Christian Soldiers,'
'Amazing Grace' and 'Lamb of God,'" says
Job. "I guess some people come looking for
potential spouses or 'life partners' but I'm
not too sure about that."
I decide to ask a group getting-decaffeinated coffee before the meeting if they are
attending to find a life partner. "Ah no."
Their eyes glaze over with salesman smiles.
"Neither gender comes to find a spouse. My
life partner is Jesus, so I intend to learn
scripture." Maybe they don't intend to get
married, it just sort of happens.
"We just want to watch \cggietales," one
woman says, referring to adorable computer
animation episodes in which baby-talking
vegetables share jokes, silly songs and
Christian moral lessons. It's a blessing to see
12     MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004
PHOTGRAPH BY GEORGE PIMENTO
Veggietales on the big screen making ethical
pointers-like ahti-consumerism and shar-
irig—all the more poignant. "I love Veggietales,
especially on the big screen. I have their
videos, stuffed animals, board games and stationary sets," she continues. "I cant wait till
their new water guns come out"
But Veggietales is not the only video
series they watch. Dr Dobson, Billy
Graham and-controversially-Christian
Comedian Mike Warnke are high on the
roster.
"I'm a little uncomfortable watching
Mike Warnke videos because, J mean, he
claimed to be a redeemed Satanist but then
it turns out he lied about that. He was
never really a Satanist," says Rebecca
Habbakuk. "Sure, he was really funny and
everything, and his message was positive
and inspiring, but he never did anything
Satanic. He just said that he was, and that's
wrong."
Disagreement about movies aside, the
weekly Pit Bible study continues to thrive,
especially under the guidance of Pastor
Tim. "They're just great kids," he says.
"They volunteer at Speakeasy, Allies, the
Womyn's Centre, work at Safewalk and
TREK, and are so respective of all minority groups."
And like many resource groups who
have their own special space to discuss
ideas, the Pit Bible study group is grateful
for their venue.
"I'm so happy we're allowed to have Bible
study in the Pit," says Habbakuk. "Maybe
our positive spirit can influence what goes
on during the other nights. We pray for
everyone who goes to the Pit every time we
meet that they'll be safe and treat each other
with due respect."
"It's a totally different atmosphere,"
Pastor Tim says. "I can't believe that on
other nights guys come here, get drunk and
arrogant, and try to pick up girls when all
the girls want to do is dance. That's so rude
and borders on sexual harassment. And I
can't believe they dance." m
PHDTGRAPHS BY GEORGE PIMENTO
MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004     13 Politics  | BY EXLAX SMELLSLIE
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Frantic Texas ranchers search for the beloved asshole, missing for four years. For Texans, this is a modern nightmare.
ASSHOLE TRAGICALLY MISSJNG
AUSTIN-A group of concerned residents in Texas released a statement yesterday appealing
for national assistance in their search for an asshole who went missing from his ranch in Texas
nearly four years ago. The missing man was last seen headed for Washington and the group,
led by Jeb Cousinlover, claims his absence has thrown the region's delicate ecosystem of illiteracy coupled with articulate whitebread bigotry out of balance.
"He's been gone four years!" said
Cousinlover, who has tirelessly devoted
himself to this cause since its 2000 incitement. "He just took his Bible autographed
by Johnny Cash that he stole from my
momma when she was fryin me up a mess
of cornmash, corndogs, fritters and lil'
Mexican chilluns an' just took off."
Cousinlover expressed deep concern for
the wayward asshole, saying that, if left to
his own devices, he might attempt to take
unjustified unilateral control of any given
situation and indulge his childhood
love-affair with faith-based missile
systems. Cousinlover also said-woefully,
woefully-that the missing asshole suffers
from Acute Pretzel Consumption Disorder
(APCD), an affliction that tragically took
the lives of 43 people living (but no longer)
in the southern US this year.
Cousinlover was too upset to say the
man's name but did say that the beloved asshole responds to the nickname 'Dubya.'
Although, "recent brushing up on his
alphabetizin" might elicit the automatic
response 'XYZ' and lead to considerable
head-scratching resembling that of the
Apeus Konkus species of Northern Africa.
Cousinlover and several hundred concerned
others have signed a petition to find their
missing asshole and restore him safely to
Texas. "We are poor simple folk an' all we
ask is jus' a few loud assholes to follow
blindly after, y'see? Y'see?" explained
Cousinlover. In related news, Much Music
is still a popular television station among
teenage females.
Scientists at Harvard University say that
individuals like Counsinlover could be suffering from Idiot Dependency Disorder
(IDD), a condition that has had epidemic
status in frat houses since the early 1970s.
v*t
Harvard neurologist Dr. Humphrey Brainy-
boogle told Maclame's that recovering from IDD is
"very difficult" as
"neurons can be
very reluctant to
bother with a host
that thinks Dr. Phil has a real PhD and that
Eminem, otherwise a popular candy treat,
is a harsh-core name for a white rapper who
still has obvious authority issues with his
mother."
For the moment, it seems all Cousinlover
and his friends can do is wait, hoping that
their petition does some good in delivering
their beloved asshole safely back home to
them.
"We just want him to know that he can
come home anytime," said Cousinlover.
For his friend, he wished to pass on this
final, moving message: "Come home,
Dubya, buddy, we love ya! Momma Texas
will take real good care of your neuronfeed-
ingness. Promise!" ■■■'
14    MACLAME'S | APRIL 2, 2004
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP TO LEFT: TWEEDLEDUM AND TOEEDLEBUSH What Can You Fat On a Fs»iUnc n:a*o
K  '
«* uwiLa___t4_ftfci*at|iifc*
-■i
H
Feel the Fatkins Change
■a*    n     avail
<ha{ ita aajr •   ta jjm   fc    ^g
A  ■ *«"       » • >l « I
1     ^ /alk ,  t
'» W.        l»*   a,    '   '
What Is "Net Fatkins Count"?
ISIni    "ill  fliQ   hjlWO   III-   r   ,m       r-fl -«<        ,    - I i -.-. . ,
— —. .—i.«»^ ui^ oanic oiicoi uii uui uuuiab. inat s why
instead of sticking to one kind of fat, the Fatkins diet allows
you to eat any fat, any time. Get skinny and die at age 35.
l-atkins Controlled Nouribhmont Products Are
Now Available in Canada!
llveiy idbi i0od icstauranl now h.is Fatkins alternatives
tilled with protein, grease and lard. When a regular burger,
fries and Coke are not fatty enough, try Fatkins products.'
Burnaby-compatible        Puts Nature in its Place
INTRODUCING THE FURD EXXXPLOSION™ TRAIL RATED SYSTEM. Here we go. Changing the
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11 ■* *<*
TIME TO CELEBRATE
CANADIAN CELEBRITIES are more often
than not Canadian, and that's why we love
them. It's a Canadian's duty to celebrate what
is beautiful, but most of all to celebrate their
Canadianness, their Canadianity, their
North-of-the-Borderness. With the recent
induction of Canada's finest-Diana Krall,
Mario Lemieux and Steppenwolf-into the
Canadian Walk of Fame, the talent pool is
getting a little bit shallow. But don't fret, the
Canadian Government is on die job and will
do anything to acquire some new Canadians
by next year. Here are some Canadian
Candidates that are left in the pool, and also
some potential Canadians:
PEACHES Don't give a fuck? Great.
Neither does Peaches. She'll tell you what she
thinks in flawless articulate English. That's
why we love her. Abortion? Fuck that! Free
trade? Shit! Racism in the military? Anal
penetration! Sounds Canadian to me.
If KE BULLARD We don't really know
why he's here, but I guess it goes to show that
even dorkwad widess flaccid jerk-on-a-stick
suck-up-to-meaningless-celebrities
buttmunches can be loved by millions of
turnip farmers with cable TV. Watch out, the
unborn twin manifested in a lump of spinal
cord and teeth and is currendy floating next
to David Letterman's kidney.
CELINE DION By far the
best decision-maker in
Canada. Who else has a kid
J§ and then moves to Vegas?
This is why we love her. Not
at all a media-whore, she
prefers the affections of her
geriatric husband who is also
her business manager. Wish
you better luck than Sigfried
and Roy. Watch out for the
white tiger!
LEBRONJAiESSure,he
has absolutely no ties to
Canada, but we're hoping a
little visit from our national escort Pamela
Anderson should ride some Canada into this
Cavalier.
MICHAEL MOORE Shame on you, Paul
Martin! Shame on you! These are the words
every Canadian is aching and quaking to
hear. We, also, need loud, fat men to scream,
make self-righteous documentaries and guzzle beer out of their shirt cuffs. Michael
Moore came to Vancouver for a book signing
like, last summer or something. Proud to be
Canadian. Prouder to be Michael Moore.
MSQN PRIESTLY He races go-carts
now.
MICHAEL ONDAATJE The house hangs
like an orange orb in the impenetrable delicacy of the dawning sky. I am Michael
Ondaatje, I write like a genius, and that is
why I am Canadian. Canadian like a gen-
de moth whispering, rising and finally
dying. Canadian like a telephone ringing
in the heart of a lover's sublime dump
truck. Sublime like a thousand contradictory images, dunked in duck sauce.
SLY STALLONE You've seen him walking down Robson Street, Vancouver's main
shopping drag. You've seen him buy sushi
and other typical Canadian fare. Well, at
least I have. Don't believe me? Shut up.
You weren't there.
ROCKY VI Rocky Versus Miriam Bedard.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON Remember
that movie when she went to Canada and
totally bonded with Bill Murray even though
they never had sex but shared intimate
moments of eternal understanding of each
other's loneliness, providing meagre but crucial heart-food to get them through unsatisfying relationships for years to come?
Remember how they ate sushi, which is typical Canadian fare? And then he totally
kissed her.
LEOiJWD NBMOY That suit would look
great on the burgeoning Burnaby rave scene.
Anything else wouldn't be logical.
JOHN KERRY Voulez-vous parler avec
moi? The Democratic nominee for the presidential candidacy can speak French, just like
everyone in Quebec, thereby showing his
proud Canadianity. He has mastered two
languages while his rival is still struggling
with the rudiments of one.
RICK MERCER Born and bred in the
famed incubation chambers of Atlantic
Canada's CBC television, Mercer grew out of
his comedic role in This Hour Has 22
Minutes to blossom into his present identical
role as mediocre central Canadian celebrity
star of Made In Canada. Great career moves.
A great Canadian. Oh, and he's gay.
.s£_?        '■    :        ■'    ■ ~'^J
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16   MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP TO LEFT: PHOTOS OF YUMMY YUMMY BOYS WO'*. J1*   a.  •   «"
.J"
\      J
'"i
I
GEORGE WASHINGTON One of
Canada's founding fathers. Those wooden
teeth were made from Canadian birch. And
the apple tree he cut down? Transplanted
from a sunny Toronto boulevard.
Quebeckers may appreciate his experience
with Wars of Independence.
ill CARREY Despite his recent
renouncing of his Canadian citizenship,
we're always willing to welcome him back
into the fold, but not his front-the front
that he puts up when he pretends to be
American! Is that a donut dangling out of
your pocket? You know it. Your rubber face
isn't so flexible in Torontonian winters, is it?
Is it? Infernal Hellfire of the Spotty Traitor!
Come back! We're so poor...
OPRAH WINFREY Once, during her
eighteen-year run on national television,
during the outro ofa special episode featuring the plight of the beaver in todays modern workplace, she mentioned Canada in
passing, once. And she's diplomatic, has a
long history of insecurity and enjoys consuming heavy foods. Step out of the
Canadian closet, Oprah! Be strong. Be
brave. Be Canadian.
THE EASTER BUNNY Every April, he
diligendy distributes chocolate eggs to small
children across Canada to celebrate the
birth and death of Jesus. Being Canadian is
just as logical. Obviously. A closet alcoholic,
the Easter Bunny will be able to indulge his
love for pardy fermented maple syrup (as
in, "pass the syrup-never mind, pass the
vodka"). And we have the deep dark woods
necessary for the little hoppy boozer to hide
out for the rest of the year, when he's not
breaking into houses, leaving chocolates
and taking the silverware (why does no one
ever notice that?). Ifll
SCREWED
in
2010
British Columbia.
\
*
*
_______.i_ w
*****  *
Be Here.
In 2010, British Columbia will display its sagging economy, brand new Sea-to-Die highway and
half-built stadiums to the world for the Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games. Today, you can
see what we live and inhale. It's the spirit of lacking resources, international-style bungling, and
Olympic-ranked ski jumpers landing on soil; fragrant piles of weed.
Invest Here
As Canada's Pacific Gateway for consciousness-expanding condiments and boatfuls of illegal Asian
immigrants, BC now enjoys one of the nation's most rapidly growing deficits. BC's Premier is dedicated to creating a generation of students who will build character by battling impossible debts
for years to come: a proud tradition for our children. The Premier invites you to invest in BC's
third largest industry, Wacky Tabacky Inc. (recently privatized). Just call and ask for Mary Jane.
Work Here
Good luck getting a job, you lazy bastard. But if you're persistent, check out the lucrative opportunities on Main & Hastings as a Sidewalk Adornment (sparkles extra) or Peddler of Psychotropic
Street-Friendly Chuckles. Or, if you love the great outdoors, then you'll love hacking into mangled
stumps. Or, the position of Gordo's personal bartender is always open (responsibilities include;
holding his hair back after grueling "cabinet" meetings, flashing Maui police and entertaining his
wife when she's tiddled, but still ugly). Come get a job in one of many such thriving industries.
Play Here
Wheeee! This cigarette is funny! Wahoo! Yipee! Oh my God, an alien! Zap! Got 'im! Whammo! I'm
broke! And wet! I live in BC! Wow! Teletubbies should be comic legends! Whooee! Shut up! Shut
up! Just listen! I am a God! That cat is a God! What the Hell is up with God anyway! Y'know?
Shazam! Ben Affleck's a talented actor! Pow! We don't have enough hockey rinks or highways! Who
cares? It's just the Olympics! Wheeee! Blue truck tickles aqua walrus la la la la la la la la yapazapa!
BRITISH COLUMBIA
www.OJglove.bc.ca
RARRR MOON MONSTER
MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004     17 Cock Waving Contest
1 ^     V
am     \k\_m*t \feM«r  at   V_
-A.<C
- i. ■   virey's most
excellent white-bread
education By MAN
FROWNS-AT-JOHNSON    '
EXCELLENCE. EXCEEDING our excellent expectations. Succeeding in excellence.
Besides excelling in alliteration, Maclame's
excels in other things. These things, too, are
excellent. Vantage points. Perspectives.
Viewpoints. Points of view. All these things,
yes, are excellent as well. Welcome to
Maclame's rankings of educational institutions. Par excellence. Maclame's first-annual
Point Grey rankings survey measurement is
unique and excellent this year. To begin,
these rankings are uniquely focused. In a
word, our rankings evaluate institutions
within Vancouver's Point Grey region.
Alone. It seemed to make sense. Comparing
medical-doctoral schools didn't. You know.
Maclame's aims to provide Vancouver's
Point Grey students, prospective students,
alumni students, flunked-out students,
geezer students, extra-limbed students and
one-eyed students the reasons why they
chose, will choose, tried to choose but couldn't, and wouldn't in hell choose to attend a
school in Point Grey. It is to you, the pupils,
that Maclame's dedicates this minutely excellent, narrow, pin-pointed and comprehensive first annual survey.
Enjoy the excellence.
:-y
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AFRAIDIA PARK DAY CARE
Walks through the endowment lands, class
field trips to the Museum of Anthropology,
trips to the Aquatic Centre. Maybe this
sounds like a real educational institution, but
it can't fool Maclame's: all these little shits do
is leech off of UBC. Get your own shit,
Afraidia Park! Where's your 8-million book
library; where's your particle accelerator? You
frustrating, snot-nosed, faecal little parasites.
Your student society is the lunchtime milk
club. You don't have a research budget.
Residence consists of mats at naptime and
sleepovers under the stars-stars that UBC's
department of physics and astronomy maps
with tools way more advanced than your ,
fucking plastic dollar-store kaleidoscopes.
Pissants.
PRIVATE TUTORS
A twinkle in their eye, a friendly pat on the
ass, and house calls any time-Point Grey's
private tutors know how to make their students feel appreciated. Their entrance
requirements include what other institutions
in Point Grey are afraid to acknowledge: the
m^m&^/>
OSPflPMi-
£-' "   i i    >•.   ,^«aVft  '  aO'**    ,
•i          -?,',,    „*    *        "        '       >         „'a,           "H
POIOTGREV
UIWERSIH_£
AVERAGE
ENTERING GRADE
LIBRARY
HOLDINGS
OPERATING
BUDGET
RESIDENCE
SPACES
STUDENT
AWARDS
1   UBC
87%
8.7 million
$1.02 million
6,010
7.7 per 1000
2 University
Swill
Great!
Entire Mr. Men
Series
Reoommended
donation
Sleepovers
not allowed
Everyone's a
winner!
Z Private
Tutors
Less than 65%
Bring your own
$15/hour
Lots of room
for hot ones
Friendly slap on
Ihe ass
4 Afraidia
Park
Must be potty
trained
A speak-and-
spell
Pennies found
in toilets
21 Afternoon
napmats
Lollipops
18 MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004 Bs, Cs, and DDs that UBC lets slip through
the cracks.
With teachers who have tried the real
world's job market and failed, private tutoring probably has a higher percentage of faculty with PhDs than it would like to admit.
But bitter, unemployed, hypereducated people or not, they'll provide intimate access to
first, second, and third year class material-
and to first, second, and third year students.
UNIVERSITY SWILL ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL
Science Fairs, field trips to Stanley Park, and
litmus paper are a few of the many research
opportunities at University Swill; in experiments, a student is limited only by his imagination and the paint he can scrape off the
walls ?! when he's hungry. Professors at
University Swill encourage student-directed
learning, including out-of-window sky'div-
ing, syringe dullness contests, and holding
breath until your best friend looks like Celine
Dion before the surgery. The janitor's closet
contains untold wonders for students, where
mixing household chemicals and sticking
paper clips in electric sockets are the formative experience of students who enrol here.
Not to mention eating rubber cement.
Exposing students to such dangerous
chemicals so early is invaluable to the UBC
biology department, as developmental
responses like gigantism and spina bifida can
be measured in comparison to a control
group of elementary students in Burnaby...I
mean, never mind.
*"..
? , ******
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V*+.\ In**
-A
THE UNIVERSITY OF BURGEONING
CON ARTISTS
Picture this: an old mansion overlooking the
beautifid marine vista in Vancouver's historical Point Grey. Just stepping out of the
ancient, regal doors into the morning air, you
can feel the educational power of the place:
Cecil Green Park House, the headquarters of
the University of Burgeoning Con Artists's
public affairs department.
"It's incredible the amount of learning that
goes on here," says Director Scott
Macravedrugs, pointing to brochures spread
out on the table. "UBC engineers solutions,"
reads one; "University Town will serve as a
model of living and working in harmony,"
_-"
_ > ■*
v .*■
and "Tuition=awesome!" reads another.
It's around these gems that learning crys-
talizes-these are learning documents,
Macravedrugs says. And what could go
wrong in such a beautiful place?
UBC championed this year's rankings,
coming first in nearly every category, from
research funding to faculty with PhDs, and
especially total money devoted to financial
aid. Offering the most complete range of
programs, and student services ranging from
the Swipe Co-op to watching movies at the
Worm, UBC set the standards for competing
institutions. Dwarfing any other university
in its categoiy, it's clear why UBC is the best
university in Point Grey.
Unless we consider class sizes. Hah!     livl
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ISRAEL: ITS STILL SAFE TO COME
MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004     19 Film  I BY PRYIN'DA JOHNSON
WHERE ARE THE PSYCHOPATHS?
The Company reaches new freights otf pretension
with politically driven psychopathic batBet
AS A FILM CRITIC and a helpless 21st Century consumer of corporate goods, I can
understand the metaphor of diagnosing multinational corporations as psychopathic
entities. And in light of the fact that The Company is a Robert Altman film, I was prepared for some seriously abstract ideas and some real creative liberties as I watched this
film. But as Neve Campbell twittered and danced across the screen in leg warmers for
the better part of two hours, in what I understood to be a futile attempt to expose the
evils of corporate business set to classical music, I began to wonder if some mischievous
pharmaceutical clerk had been slipping
horse tranquilizers into Altman's vitamins.
I'm not quite sure if Robert Altman's
effort to portray the corporate-driven
First World as an innocuous ballet company is some kind of bizarre super-irony,
but I can tell you for certain that it does
wonders in alienating the average viewer,
who has a tough enough time trying to
conceive the magnitude of corporate
power as it is today without envisioning it
as a herd of anorexic bun-haired dancers
prancing around in a studio full of plate-
glass mirrors.
As far as I can tell, the story of The
Company centres around a dancer named
Ry (Navel Cadwell) as she works through
the production of a new ballet at the
Joffrey Ballet Company. She may or may
not represent a new, ruthless corporation
fighting its way to the top of the financial
ladder. Soon enough, one of the dance
choreographers replaces the older, injured
star of the show with Ry, and before long
Cadwell is taking over. This may be a
metaphoric portrayal of a hostile takeover
of a small, older business by the new
emotionless corporate hybrid, but I'm
not exactly sure. That at least would
explain Cadwell's stone-faced, emotionless acting.
Eventually I gave up trying to piece
together the allusions to clinical psychopathy and corporate criminality
amongst the incessant dancing and tried
to enjoy the movie on a purely aesthetic
level. And I must say the rear ends of
those corporate dancers are just spectacular. Wouldn't mind setting aside a little
nest egg to invest into some of those com
panies, if you get my drift...
The Company is a film for the truly
abstract thinker. Only if you can find
some semblance of meaning in a David
Lynch movie could you ever have a hope
in hell of understanding Robert Altman's
disturbingly innocent docudrama about
the capitalist state in which we live.
Hopefully, once Altman comes down
from whatever trip he's been on, a more
coherent film will grace the screens of
Sundance in 2005. M
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I   IR   i       WKsIkwH       f   B   I       iRIIIiWIIII    I
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE
TO MAKE YOUR MARK!
PEEONATREE!
Delta Fry representatives arc now on university campuses across Canada recruiting
Followers. Drinkers. Cats—we'll take anyonq, really!
No one has joined so far! That means so much opportunity! Think of the kegs
all to yourself. You could even be the president. Like the time you made a fort
under the blankets and put up that sign saying "no gurlz allowed," arid your
mom asked "just what are you doing with that sock?!" Yeah, it's totally like that!
Did you know that 80 per cent of men who went to a frat wear pants?! And 10
per cent of men with nipples considered joining a frat once! With overwhelming
stats like that, how could you not join our frat?
DON'T MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO LOSE BRAIN CELLS.'
JOIN THE DELTA FRY TRADITION TODAY! DUDE!
/"
www.deltafry.orgy
Chicken
v.;
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20    MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004 §r\
YLQ
Manuel de Roberto | ON THE HAIRCUT
MARTHA FLAUNTS WHAT SHE GOT
Martha Wiper admits to being busy as the President of UBC. Even with most of her
time given to whoring the university out to the business world and enraging the student
body with tuition increases and housing lotteries, she still manages to make waves with
her ever-changing style.
"I've got to spend my hard-earned
money somewhere!" Wiper exclaims
when asked about the cost of her latest
hairstyle, a subdued rear undercut that has
added a whole new dimension to her previous look.
According to Wiper, the revelation in
beauty costs $1,000 each trip to her hairstylist, famed French designer Jean-Louis-
Phillipe-Etienne-Charles Ducarre III.
"He's simply magical," Wiper raves. "Jean
merely places a bowl on my head and asks
me to close my eyes. Forty seconds later
I'm on my way out the door."
Piper cites former child-star and present Hollywood outsider Macaulay
Culkin's Home Alone era haircut as her
inspiration for the trendsetting do. "As
President of UBC, I have to make decisions that might make students unhappy.
I thought if I looked like a poor prepubes-
cent boy, I might earn some subconsious
sympathy from the seething masses."
And it seems to be working. The attitude on campus towards Wiper has
changed since her trim. "I used to think
she was like, a total bitch," says one student who preferred to be identified only
as a prominent Young Conservative. "Bui
now...I'd hit it." ffl
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IT'S A MONSTER, A SCARY BOWL-CUT MONSTER,
MACLAME'S  I  APRIL 2, 2004    21 .*■ ■.
•       ■ * -at
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. ■-'-■0 ' ' ' '
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Xs^' . v  -   »■      ■a*-? «. ;■ ■■•,.,4.
i"' • ;
sentence ...
ilfonso GagSii
mo finishes it
In 2001, federal minister Alfonso
Gagliano was accused of preferential
treatment within his Public Works
ministry. Now he's under scrutiny
in the latest federal government
embroglio over misdirected sponsorship-program funds. But he still found
time last week at a Toronto media
scrum to finish Maclame's Assistant
Editor John Intiniweeny's sentences.
MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY IS ... I
don't understand why people keep asking me questions. I'm innocent of all
wrong-doing. No minister knows what
goes on in his department. Why would
he? I don't think that is in the job
discription. Honestly.
IN MY LIFE I
WISH  I'D  ..
no, no, I had
nothing to do
with this scandal. Nothing.
WHAT I LIKE MOST ABOUT DENMARK IS ... I did not read that audit.
I did not know about that audit. I've
never even heard of an audit? What is
an audit anyway?
WHEN I PLAYED ON THE
SWINGS AS A CHILD ... leave me
alone. I don't like the press and their
crooked little fingers. They see scandal
everywhere. Everywhere!
FOR MORE "FINISH THE SENTENCES" VISIT
WWW.MACLAMES.CA/PEOPLE
"We Agree"
Different people. Different
backgrounds. United by a
common belief.
JWSlfe
* -#_■. ^
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We agree that stuffing
cheeseballs up our
orifices is a bad idea.
'*■ ■"... *.'.
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WE AGREE.COM
22   MACLAME'S  I APRIL 2, 2004
FRED FUNSTONE/REUTCRS The Back Page | BY ALIEN FATHERINGHAJVI
U BE SEEIN7
Ignore the suppositions: this mars is senile
IN THIS SCRIBBLER'S younger days, Pompous-on-the-Point, aka Marthaville, aka the
University of British Columbia, was home. Dabbling in the ink of the Ubyssey newspaper
was the only fashionable pastime, after sweating out gridiron matches and starting families in
the back seat out near the farmland.
To indulge, a few predictions for the old sinking, setding campus. Had a few years to step
back, ponder. Here is what bubbled to the surface.
1. The grand old
Thunderbirds,
resplendent in a new
logo, will take back
Mr Vanier's goblet
and triumph in the
upcoming Shrum
Bowl, this year at T-
Bird stadium, which
some residents think
is not only too loud
but too ugly. Right
on the/latter.
2. Martha Wiper
will announce a
donation. Fifty per
cent off at Magicuts
may do the trick.
3. The AMS
Student Council will
get the cobwebs out of die old administration and replace it with hemp blankets and a
Coleman stove for those extra-long sessions.
Cold-cut sandwiches and Coke for public
meetings will be replaced with honey ginseng
effervescence tea and a vast array of organic
soy protein loafs. Yum.
4. Stephen Owen, the genuinely nice chap
that he is, will go bald trying to win his seat
again at Vancouver Point Grey, struggling
against a giant head of lettuce, the creaky
communists and a newly invigorated Radical
Beer Faction, who will go federal.
5. Someone in UBC Administration,
say...oh, B. Sullivan, will suggest to raise
tuition rates once again, in keeping with the
three-year tradition. The unshaven student
body will squawk (the only thing they can
afford to do) and some poor chap who
enjoys punishment will remind them that
the university starved for six years under a
tuition freeze. Thanks, Glen.
6. The Ubyssey will print something clever
by an old alumnus staff member. Thank Mr.
John Turner in advance.
7. The BC Bureau Chief of Canadian
University Press will, after graduation, shut-
de off to T.O. for some minor pencil-wearing, then get his senses together and return to
the rainforest city in Lotusland. Try and dye
your beard in Hogtown, you lovable putz.
8. The clever Engineers, always ready for
another toothless-grin photo-op, will resurrect the Lady Godiva Ride and hang a giant
phallus from the Brooklyn Bridge. New
Yorkers won't be bothered, claiming they've
seen bigger.
9. President Piper will vacate Cecil Green
(. ompound early for a
poUi seat at UC-
W' never. Local
\ incouver bossman
1 my Campbell will set
up home in that shack,
nun the living room
into a daycare and
order all UBC students
to be happy, dammit.
Jim Greene will take
control of the Political
Science department
and make 'Ho Chi
Minh appreciation
101' a graduation prerequisite.
10. PM PM will
visit the campus in '04,
shout some anti-
Toronto slogans, sip a
lane- while wearing Taiga fur, and prompdy
have his ass shot off by keen graduate students who wonder why their research grants
went to Canada's favourite son from
Denmark, who ran his ministry with the
same tact as a Dundarave mother driving late
to Yoga in the family SUV
11. Construction workers at UBC will
stage a one day strike against 'Bad Surrey
Jokes.'
Buenas noches, route le monde.      jflj
Editor's note:
Paul Wells usually occupies the 'Back Page'of
Maclame's, but after subsequent review, this
magazine's editorial staff determined that he is
better suited to being our ombudsman, since he
loves to hear people's complaints. Mr. Alien
Fatheringham had escaped from his playpen, so
we gave him something to do.
-Wilson-Smythe
To comment aliens...eveiywtere@madames.ca
Read Alien Fatheringham's pathetic livejoumal, "old and short," at
www.maclames.ca/senile
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP TO MIDDLE: HEADSHOT OF FATHERINGHAM AND SUPER COOL DRAGON BATTLE BEASTS VS. THE TROGANS
MACLAME'S I APRIL 2, 2004    23 Contact us at i-600-BORSCHT or borscht.com. @2003 Borscht North America, Inc. Borscht recommends usage by those entering mid-lite crisis only. Specifications for comparison only.
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The $300,000 you spent to buy this.
You don't get that back.
Every mile you drive, feeling sexy and oh, so young, think of the thousands of dollars
burning away in that 605hp engine. Starve. Go naked. Get entitled. You can always
live in your car.
The new 811 Carrera 4$ Cabriolet
gp
':mmmmm:f!''™""%,m____f !■___■! *■    , :,#■      ■

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