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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Mar 27, 1975

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Array WELL-DESERVED RETRIBUTION is meted out to worst of Ubyssey staff as last issue
of year flounders to press. While bullet-ridden staffers cried, 'This goes beyond fair
comment" and."Write a letter to the editor," critics manning machine gun pointed
—4cini mcdonald photo
cooly to such transgressions as classic misprint in front-page headline in fall reading
"Evections up to students" and arrogant dilettante attitude displayed in rag. Few would
U BC stri ke 'a I most certa i n
A strike by the UBC local of the
Canadian Union of Public Employees is almost certain, local
president Ken Andrews said
The union served strike notice
Tuesday, meaning a strike could
start any time after midnight
Monday when the union's present
contract expires. A strike would
effectively cripple the university.
"Our decision has been made,"
Andrews said. "We're prepared."
But Andrews refused to say
whether the strike would start
immediately after the contract
expires Monday. He said the
university  administration  will
have to make the next move in
Andrews said union and administration^ negotiators are still
far apart on several issues. A
crucial negotiating session is
planned for Monday, he said.
"A» nf the other unions at UBC
will  support our   position,"   An-
Res students find rent hikes too high
Only 13 per cent of UBC
residence students contacted in a
survey last week say they can
afford next year's rent increases.
Dave Fuller, an Alma Mater
Society housing committee
member, said in an interview
Wednesday 1,395 students in Totem
Park, Place Vanier and Gage
Towers completed the survey.
The residence action committee,
composed of representatives from
the AMS housing committee,
residence student associations and
interested residence students,
compiled the survey to gauge
student opinion on the proposed
The proposed rent increases are
to $1,224 from $983 for Totem Park
and Place Vanier residences and to
$710 from $597 for Gage Towers.
The largest number of students,
29.5 per cent, voted for a 10 per cent
increase, 28.5 per cent voted for a
five per cent increase and 25 per
cent said they could afford only the
present rents.
Fuller countered the argument,
that students had merely put the
lowest rent increase amount on the
survey with the fact that computer
comparisons were made between
the salaries of students and their
replies. __
"Only 6 per cent of the students^
who listed an income of about $500
for the summer said they could
afford an increase, also the
majority of students chose a 10 per
cent increase as the most
"There's   nowhere   else   these
students can go;  they have  no
choice about accommodation,"
See page 2: HOTELS
drews said. "I think it will have a
heavy effect on the university."
The Association of University
and College Employees, local 1,
voted Wednesday afternoon to
respect CUPE picket lines, should
the union go out on strike.
The Office and Technical Employees Union, which represents
physical plant office workers, also
has a contract which expires
Monday. The union has voted to
strike if the administration does
not meet their demands, but strike
notice has not yet been served.
- And Alma Mater Society council,
at its Wednesday night meeting,
voted unanimously to urge
students not to do work normally
handled by the union if a strike
The CUPE local, which
represents food services workers,
clerical workers, and UBC trades
workers, has requested a $250
across-the-board wage increase
plus adjustments of certain wage
However, the university has
offered only a 15 per cent wage
increase. The labor dispute also
involves fringe benefit issues.
CUPE workers currently earn a
minimum monthly wage of $500.
Andrews said the union is
establishing an off-campus strike
( UBC personnel director John
McLean refused to speculate about
the future course of negotiations
because "the matter is before the
mediator." Clark Gilmour is
currently mediating the dispute.
"The   negotiations   have   been
See page 2: EXAMS
Student workers to get union pay
Who's this? See page 3.
The B.C. Labor Relations Board
has ruled that UBC student library
and clerical assistants must
receive wages equivalent to the
lowest wage level of unionized
The Tuesday decision means
students will receive a $1.17 an
hour raise to $3.67 an hour.
Janey Ginther, chairperson of
the Association of University and
College Employees grievance
committee, said Wednesday the
raise will be retroactive to Jan. 1.
The university must give student
assistants a further increase to
$4.16 per hour after April 1, 1975,
Ginther said. She said the increase
corresponds to a raise in the base
rate to full time employees.
Students who have worked an
average of 10 hours a week since
Jan. 1 will receive retroactive pay
of roughly $175, AUCE grievance
committee   member   Farleigh
Funston said.
In a paper outlining Tuesday's
LRB hearing, Funston states the
board decided the university must
create a separate job category for
student assistants.
An assistant is defined as anyone
working less than 10 hours a week
under the existing AUCE contract.
The student wage issue came
before the LRB in Febuary, after
the university refused to increase
wages after a series of meetings
with the AUCE grievance committee. The committee claimed
student assistants should be
guaranteed wage parity with union
workers doing the same work
under the present union contract.
But UBC personnel and labor
relations director John McLean
said Wednesday he is not aware of
an LRB decision to raise student
assistants' wages.
"We have received no decision
either officially or unofficially
from the Labor Relations Board,"
he said.
McLean said his department will
take no action to pay students
higher wages until it receives a
written decision from the LRB.
But personnel negotiator Harvey
Burian said Wednesday he attended the LRB hearing Tuesday
and reported the board's decision
to McLean.
"We have the board's decision
verbally and I assume the written
decision will be the same.
"I have told the director of the
decision," Burian said.
McLean said the LRB may
take two or three weeks to send
official notification of its decision
to his office,
"If there is retroactive pay involved, it (raising student wages)
would be done expeditiously,"
McLean said. It certainly will be a
All pay changes for library
workers must come to library
offices from the personnel
director, associate librarian Inglis
Bell said Wednesday.
Bell said the library has not
received   any   notification   from
I    See page 2: MORE
Goodies for all in final issue
Are amino acids really the key ingredient in
starfish metabolism? What are "black holes" in
space really caused by? Why do the ketones make
such excellent bases for exterior latex paints? For
the answers to these and other intriguing mysteries,
turn to page 11, where you will find SCIENTIFIC
ARMENIAN, this year's goon issue.
If all you want to know is what happened at UBC
this year, you will find Mark Buckshon's page 25
year-end wrap-up just about fits the bill.
For those readers with a more discriminating
literary palate, Mike Sasges' end-of-an-era interview
with retiring administration president Walter Gage
can be found on page 3.
And if none of that interests you in any way, this
will: this is also the last regular issue of The Ubyssey
of the year. Page 2
Thursday, March 27, 1975
'Exams could be cancelled in strike'
From page 1
difficult, but we hope we can settle
before a strike," McLean said. ■
UBC registrar Jack Parnall said'
he doesn't know what the
university administration will do if
a strike does occur, because CUPE
has never before struck the
He said administration president
Walter Gage, deans and department heads would meet to decide
their course of action if a strike
It is possible that final
examinations would be cancelled if
there is a lengthy strike, Parnall
Strike co-ordinator Duane
Lunden told AMS council Wednesday a settlement is still
"A settlement is possible if the
administration starts to show
reason in the negotiations," he
He said there will be no strike
until mediator Gilmour reports,
and a report will come only if talks
reach an impasse.
Council qualified its motion in
favor of CUPE by passing another
motion calling on the union to
recognize that students need to
cross picket lines under certain
More student jobs seen
From page 1
personnel to change the amount of
student assistant pay checks.
AUCE president Jackie Ainsworth said Wednesday she doesn't
think the university will reduce the
number of student assistants it
hires if it is forced to pay them
higher wages.
"I don't see how they could
possibly reduce the number of
studeit assistants," she said. "The
university already needs to hire
more students to provide proper
services. I think students' jobs are
Ainsworth said it would cost the
university much more money to
hire AUCE workers in place of
students than to raise students
wages to the union base rate.
She said the health and employment benefits the university
accords to union members, and the
raises AUCE workers will get next
September,   would   make   them
much more costly to hire. The LRB
decision is~~ final and binding,
Ainsworth said.
She said AUCE is disappointed
the LRB did not extend the wage
increases' retroactivity back to
April 1, 1974, as the union had
wished. AUCE also wanted student
assistants to receive wage parity
with union workers doing the same
jobs, instead of the union base rate.
The council had earlier passed,
unanimously, a motion demanding
administration assurance that
students' academic records would
be in no way jeopardized if they do
not cross picket lines.
Svend Robinson, a student board
of governors member, told council
any discomforts suffered by
students as a result of the strike
shouldn't be held against the union.
"It shouldn't be held against the
union but against the administration," he said.
David Fuller, AMS grad studies
rep, said the union has only the
strike weapon once negotiations
break down, and students should
reflect that fact.
"They should pressure the administration, not blame the union
for any inconvenience they (the
students) suffer," he said.
Engineering rep Martin Tupper
said he sponsored the motion
calling on the union to ensure that
students will not be hurt by a strike
after the similar motion had been
passed asking the same assurance,
from the administration.
"Students are the only innocent
victims. They aren't going to
benefit from a strike," he said.
But Jennifer  Fuller,  AMS  in
ternal affairs officer, said students
would not be victimized by a strike.
"If anyone will be victimized, it
will be the people going out on
strike," she said.
Fuller said he opposed Tupper's
"If we demand more from the
union we'd be publicly saying we
take a neutral position and as
much suspect the union of
screwing us as the administration
of screwing us," he said.
Strike co-ordinator Lunden
assured council that the union
wouldn't object to students
crossing picket lines.
"If students cross the lines to
study, they're not going to get
much of a hassle," he said.
"It's up to the individual conscience if they want to cross the
picket line.
"We just don't want them to do
union work during the strike," said
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From page 1
said Fuller. "They (the board of
governors) would be taking advantage of a desperate housing
Fuller also said the 1.1 per cent
vacancy rate of housing in Vancouver will result in less housing
for students next year. According
to Fuller the survey also showed
that more than 67 per cent of
residence students will be outside
Vancouver this summer and
unable to look for alternate accommodations.
"Buying a downtown hotel was a
feasible measure, but only a stopgap one," he said. "Forty-one per
cent of the students said that they
would live in a hotel if it was
The following nominations have been received:
(M.A. degree program in Philosophy)
(M.Sc. degree program in Food Science)
10,00 a.m. to 4.00 p.m.
(N.B. Those eligible to participate in this election are full-time Graduate
Students defined as: all doctoral candidates and all other students
registered in the Faculty of Graduate Studies taking at least six units.)
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Graduate Student Association
1. Annual General Meeting
12:30 p.m. Thursday 3rd April,
Garden Room Graduate Student Centre.
2. Nominations for Executive Positions
Nominations for Secretary, 2 AMS Reps, and Assembly Coordinator are
re-opened until 5:00 p.m. Friday 28th March. Election on April 3. Nomination
forms at Grad Centre office.
3. Test Case against AMS Fee
Any person wishing to take to Student Court a case opposing the imposition of
AMS fees on Graduate students please approach Dave Fuller (President-Elect,
G.S.A.) Phone 224-0503. Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page .3
Age of Gage: Goodbye to all that
When certain members of UBC's administration honored administration
president Walter Gage a few years ago, the
university's public relations department
created a phrase to describe the man's
lengthy association with UBC.
The phrase was the "Age of Gage." It had
a nice tone and caught on with the
established media, good students and
faculty and friends of the university.
But the phrase was a misnomer and a
piece of inappropriate doggerel because it
did not properly describe the years between
1925, when 20-year-old Gage graduated from
UBC with an honors degree in mathematics,
and the 1970s.
Even Gage, because he is a modest man,
would admit that.
Those 50 or so years — the Decades of
Development to match corny phrase with
corn — were not his because no one man or
attitude is so influential.
He is simply a man of his times, not the
man of his times.
And in an interview Wednesday, he
showed why this is true.
He, for one, isn't prepared to give his
years or his administration an historical
"I think some time has to elapse to give
proper time to assess what the contribution
is if there has been any of significance," he
After Gage received his BA, he stayed at
UBC as a mathematics assistant and to
receive his MA.
In 1927, he was hired as a math instructor
at Victoria College, then affiliated with
UBC, and stayed until 1933.
During these early years, Gage was
already involved in administration as
registrar and bursar of the Vancouver
Island school.
In 1933, he became an assistant professor
at UBC and in 1943, a full professor.
made certain criticisms which led them to
seek change.
"I would have to be frank and say that
since the '60s and up 'till now, one can't
exactly say it (the university) is a community of scholars because there has been
so much emphasis that the university should
go to the people and that this group or that
group should play a part.
"So I think you're going to have to extend
the term scholars if you're just going to
leave it a community of scholars."
This does not necessarily please Gage.
"I think it has to come back to a community of scholars, but that doesn't mean
that we'll have any less impact on the
"But it won't be merely going to the public
and bringing the public in. It'll be giving the
public and the community something that is
This, for Gage, is important because the
university must continue to function as a
teacher or, in another sense, a disinterested
leader. And the division between the
community of scholars and the community
beyond Blanca must be maintained.
"If the community, for example, wanted a
variety of courses on a number of things,
there has to be some examination. Are these
(courses) in the best interest of the
university or could they be better done by
some other body?
"Is it our place to take up political issues?
Perhaps, in some cases, yes. Perhaps in
other cases that's better left to the general
Many people want to heal the division
between UBC and the public and break
attitudes within the university which they
consider responsible for the division.
One such person is premier Dave Barrett
who, as finance minister, controls the
allocations of tax money to the university.
He has — with much publicity — not given
UBC and the other two B.C. universities the
4'Now I don't know whether
there's any use for me or not,
but I hope there will be."
During the Second World War, he and then
physics head Gordon Shrum taught a radar
course and co-directed an officer training
The board of governors appointed Gage in
1948 dean of inter-faculty and student affairs, a title which fell into disuse in the
early '70s.
He was already familiar with the
sometimes strange byways of UBC administration in 1948, having been
director of the 1945 summer session and a
special 1946 winter session and an assistant
to the dean of arts and sciences.
He was acting dean of UBC's education
college in 1956 and was appointed deputy to
the president 10 years later.
Between 1966 and May, 1969, when the
board of governors appointed him administration president, Gage was deputy
president and twice acting president.
He retires from the presidency in June.
But,   despite  all   these   administrative
-   positions, Gage said he likes to think of
himself primarily as a teacher concerned
primarily, like the university, with learning.
' T would say the function of the university
is to preserve the traditions of learning and
to go forward with learning in the future and
to preserve that by good teaching and
Gage's list of publications is not the envy
of the profession as he admitted, although he
said he hopes to return to research after
Gage called the university a community of
scholars, a t e r m which is under attack
because of implied aloofness and privilege.
•He is, by association, the leader of that
And like every leader, Gage is aware that
UBC's role has changed as different groups
funds for which they have asked because he
doesn't believe the universities are serving
their communities.
And relations between UBC and the
government, fair during the Social Credit
administration because then premier W. A.
C. Bennett wasn't prepared to interfere,
turned ugly.
Barrett put a super-board, responsible to
his government, between himself and the
university heads.
Gage said in the interview he was not
surprised and that relations are not bad.
"We've never got what we think we should
have from any government, but I don't think
relationships between individuals in the
government and ourselves have ever actually been bad.
"Now I read an article not so long ago
where the writer indicated there has been
confrontations between the university administration, myself and the government.
"That's not really true. The government
didn't give us what we thought we ought to
get and the three presidents made further
submissions to the premier.
"We were very courteously received, we
were listened to and we argued in a friendly
way back and forth, but there was no unfriendly feelings of any kind."
He said he believes relationships are
tense because members of the university
community had great expectations of the
NDP government when it was elected in
August, 1972.
"Perhaps people expected that everything
that was asked for was going to come
because there was a greater expectancy
within the university community of a
government which had been the opposition
for so long and which represented certain
elements that they laid special claim to.
Gage... keeping his math classes amused
"I don't think that I honestly had that
expectation, but I think very, very many
people did in the university and perhaps it's
asking too much of anybody.
"A government has so many objectives to
worry about that I don't think it's ever going
to meet the wishes of everybody.
'That isn't to say that I don't think we
should have gotten more than we did this
Gage said he does not believe the
university established the barriers between
itself and the community which have tended
to keep so many, like Barrett, from
"I don't know if we have closed them
(potential students) off as much as the
economic possibilities have closed them off.
"I would say the university is available to
He said this is a new situation, created by
the influx of veterans after the Second World
"Before the war, for better or for worse,
students were sometimes governed by
family opinions more than they are now.
"So that if the family was not sympathetic
to the student coming, he might never find
his way here. And any financial aid he was
given was tied more to the family.
"There wasn't nearly the amount of
money that there is now."
So, for these reasons — the lack of
residences on campus before the war and
because the university wasn't as well known
— it was harder for a student to enrol, said
"There may be some, but in general it's
less true than now."
Besides preserving learning, Gage said he
believes the university must produce
graduates prepared to fill jobs.
/'Some people would dispute that and say
the moment you do that you're becoming
vocationally inclined.
"I see no clash for the university to offer
things that are for the mind without, if you
like, consideration for the position afterward and turning out people who are
highly trained to fill a role.
"And we hope that those that are trained
to fill those roles at the same time gain an
appreciation for the things that make life
worth living outside a position or job.
"Similarly I hope that people who go
through with the idea that their aim is to
become interested in culture will realize
that perhaps it's worthwhile striving for
some vocational goal."
Gage enrolled at UBC thinking he might
become a mathematics teacher at the high
school level — for vocational reasons.
Along the way he developed cultural interests and directed minor productions for
Mussoc and the now defunct Players Club.
He has also belonged to the Vancouver
Symphony Orchestra as a patron and
learned societies, but his cultural activities
have dropped off since the 1950s.
He said he really isn't certain what he will
do after his retirement, although he will
continue to teach a first-year mathematics
course and some engineering math courses.
"I really haven't made any plans beyond
". . . I don't think relationships between individuals in
the government and ourselves
have ever actually been bad."
"After the war, the veterans came
because they had been on their own, had
looked after themselves, they felt free to
come and there was subsidization.
"Then their brothers and sisters who were
younger said if my brother went, I can go.
"And I think family relationships were
less possessive, people made up their own
minds more and government assistance
gradually increased.
"So I don't think you can say that there is
any great majority of students who cannot
come for financial reasons.
June 30. I've always had some math
problems, research type of things that I
used to try and do without any great success
because they seem to be problems that
won't get solved.
"So I think I'll try and pick those up again
and do that as another interest besides
"I'm going to look around to see where I
feel I can make myself as useful as possible
within the university community. Now I
don't know whether there's any use for me
or not, but I hope there will be." Page 4
i  n c
u a t s s t T
Thursday, March 27, 1975
MARCH 27,1975
Published Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays throughout the
university year by the Alma Mater Society of the University of
B.C. Editorial opinions are those of the writer and not of the
AMS or the university administration. Member, Canadian
University Press. The Ubyssey publishes Page Friday, a weekly
commentary and review. The Ubyssey's editorial offices are
located in room 241K of the Student Union Building.
Editorial departments, 228-2301; Sports, 228-2305; advertising,
Editor: Lesley Krueger
THE SCENE — a mellowed SUB ballroom, 1995 A.D.
THE PLAYERS — members of a Ubyssey reunion, paper of 74-75.
First    in    the    door    was    Ralphie    Maurer,    oily    cheeks   shining
resplendently   under   the   strong   lights.  He  was  to  spend  the evening
coming on strong, bouncing around the room, suit jacket open, showing
the  heavy  equipment   that   has   made   him   one  of  the  gang
Next was Ross Barlow, or the "The Bullet" as he is referred to in
the insurance trade. With pale, prim wife in tow, the staccatto bray of
his laugh often pervading the room, his tweed hat falling off when the
paroxysms got particularly violent.
Pert Lesley Krueger followed Barlow in the door, long locks lolling
oyer her shoulders and down her back, a Veronica Lake curl slyly
dangling over her eye. She was dressed in an original Paris-gown,
shoulderless, hem with waist-length - slit, low-necked, bracelets and
necklace aflow. Often nodded with never-ceasing patience and wan smile,
scanning the throng, as she fielded compliments on her latest novel.
Then there was Marcus Gee, old "number three", now the editor of
Saturday Night, going to great lengths to explain the ripple effect
Imperial Oil is having on the Canadian economy, letting people know he
is a biggie in the Toronto literatii scene. Often alone as evening
Alan Doree had been there from the beginning, but no one had
noticed. Gowned in a Nehru jacket and paisley turtleneck, the
bespectacled Dorree, greying at the temples, was besieged by well-wishers
who had feared him dead all these years. Yes, he said, he was alive, well
and assistant associate deputy of minor Renaissance affairs for the
National Gallery. Kept bugging Gee and others with manuscript Ideas.
Was last to leave.
Ken Dodd. Corpulent at 43. Sitting in the corner wearing Ice skates,
boxer shorts and a New York Yankees baseball cap. The magic
mushrooms had apparently taken their toll. Every so often would rise to
his feet and skate around the floor, droning on for the 11,347th time
about how he had* once seen Bobby Orr in the buff. People walked away
from him a lot.
The Kid arrived. Greying, plump, diminutive wife in tow, Gary Coull
characteristically slunk into the corner of the hall at first, taking stock
of the scene with slitted eyes, nursing the first few of his bourbons on
the rocks. Feeling the situation cased he thrust out his rugby personality
and started slapping the oldies on the back, his short slicked hair
gleaming in a Vitalis shine as he scribbled notes off to the side. Boyd
McConnell, writing pulp novels under pseudonyms on the side, was seen
phoning "my pals" muttering about his old buddy "being a pig for
Jan O'Brien accompanied Coull, half a step behind, kids in hand,
bitching about "the lack of day-care at this place", shunning the food —
"I make better myself" "shunning the guests — "Oh Gary, they're still
so young, so gauche don't you think?" — butting in. whenever Coull
tried to talk — "And I agree the woman should not be an extension of
the man."
The afore-mentioned McConnell wore a blue blazer, checked
double-knit slacks and flowered sport shirt at the collar and half way
down his chest, revealing curly grey hairs — quite possibly false. Looked
for all the world like a retired sumo-wrestler despite daily squash sessions
at the "Y", in between the interviews with Carson, and the occasional
Mark Buckshon glided in late, calm, composed, his Afro greying in a
distinguished way, eyeing the scene through a tranquillized glaze. Often
joined Coull taking notes. Proudly showed off his psychiatry certificate
from Blackstone.
.Tom Barnes created quite a stir stomping in wih hip waders, wife
Neil in tow, sending his boy scout hat flying when he blew his whistle
for attention and tried to recruit the kiddies of the assembleds to his
summer camp outside Puyallup, Wash. Had to leave for 10 p.m. tuck-in
Denise Chong, looking sleek in orange pantsuit with yellow trim
public servant uniform option number three), Statistics Canada head
now, spent much of evening passing out tourist info on Brascan tourist
development outside Rio.
Grace Eng, known by most as priprietor of Zenza Yuma Health
Food Store and Boutique, plump, was seen, dressed in dashiki styled by
Judy Lamarsh.
Ron Binns, fresh in from East Anglia retreat, owlish-looking in John
Dean model brown-flecked, horn-rimmed glasses, film critic for New
Statesman. Seemed totally co-opted. Sad, had good mind. Muttered
about recent fox hunting jaunt with King Charles.
Matronly, flowing orange locks tamed with age, Kini McDonald
shutter-bugged the scene with her Nikkon. Wearing a denim two-piece,
rather snug at the hips. Smiled a lot, drank a lot, kept bragging about
Berton's latest book.
And then there was Berton, Woodward that is. Outfitted in brown
Harris tweed sports jacket, blue safari shirt, ascot around neck,
wide-whale cords, gold. Pointing his finger for emphasis time and time
again he talked with old friends, visited the office across the hall for old
time's sake, counselled McConnell, huddled with fellow Torontonian Gee,
said "thank-you" a lot.
Fast-talking, slow-walking, long since balding Carl Vesterback
chatted incessantly with Woodward, lauding salmon-fishing in. the
Courtenay area, then moved on.
Most    people   commented    Greg   Strong   just    droned,    not   about
anything in particular. A friendly fellow though in wool turtle neck and ,
greying Afro,  often standing by himself, but always with a word, good
bad or otherwise for anyone who happened near.
Ray Masson, craving anonymity, showed up in camouflage. (Only a
thank-you not to the host later indicated his presense at the event).
Mike Sasges claimed he caught Masson masquerading as a collapsable
table, while he (Sasges) was snapping freelance pictures for UBC Alumni
Chronicle. Sasges (class of 75, co-editor Ubyssey 73-74, wife Marise, nee
Savaria, also class of 75) kept muttering about the inadequacies of copy
flow from the dailies and the problems of feeding nine kids. .
Complained about "lack of respect for accuracy" in "today's Ubyssey."
As for Savaria, nostalgically weaving a thimble on her finger from
her old filing days at B.C. Hydro, she spent the evening remembering
"the old Belief, getting ever more tipsy, frequently nagging Sasges for
his over-consumptive habits. "What would the children think," she
scorned, flashing wallet pictures adorned with all sorts of little Sasgian
(Sun publisher Vaughn Palmer attended by way of an expensively
embossed card of regret, busy with an important Majority Movement
meeting in Westbank).
Mike .MacLeod, neck straining above the crowd, tennis racket in
hand, volleyed in and out of several conversations, providing the insight
that only a tennis instructor in Bangor, Maine could.
Dome shining, eyes dancing, teeth gleaming, Richard Yates,
vice-principal at Palmer Junior Secondary in Richmond, just wandered,
clinked glasses when the occasion arose, made nostalgia, pooh-poohed
"my naive fantasies of yesteryear." Confided he throws darts at yellowed
picture of Eileen Dailly. "The strap is back," he crooned, slicking back
his Brylcremed side locks.
Enter Debbie Barron —timidly. Enrobed in print dress, flew in from
teaching post In Moosomin, Sask. Nipping regularly at Planters Punch,
the shoulder strap on her dress slowly started to slip.
Looking quite rotund, Robert Diotte, English prof, sent waiters wild
asking for Twinings Tea. Chuckled correctly.
Doug Rushton, grinning uncontrollably, tinged as always with a stale
alcoholic air, touching people lightly on the shoulder and mouthing "hi"
as he glides about the room. Between main eventers with Vohanka,
Rushton droned on with accounts of going through Jes Odam's files for
style tips, trying to uncover the dirt in the NDP's nationalization of the
B.C. barrel Industry.
Meanwhile,   drink   in   hand.   Sue   Vohanka   characteristically   roared
about the room, like a drunken cyclone repeatedly showing off her high
■ See page Goon 10
The party's over
Ya, it's been another one of those years. Started in
September, will end at April and broke for exams at
Christmas. An academic year, you might say.
And that's how we might categorize it: a year in
which people plunged into the academic mainstream and
very little else happened on campus. Much of the education
news came from the provincial government in Victoria and
on-campus concerns revolved around food and housing.
It's ridiculous to draw large conclusions from those
small observations, but perhaps someone will notice a trend
away from political involvement in the inflated 60s and
toward bread and butter concerns in the
economically-strapped 70s.
But for now, your fellow students at The Ubyssey
wish you good luck on exams and essays, hope you get a
good summer job and a place to stay in the break and wish
you happy cheap restaurant" hunting. As for staffers —
we're starting a crawl toward Buchanan tower where, with
tongues lolling most pitifully, we shall introduce ourselves
to our profs. Wish us luck too.
An open letter to the Registrar
Dear Sir,
This letter signifies the official
withdrawal from the current
senator-at-large election of
nominees Arlene Francis and
Bruce Wilson. This withdrawal is
in response to and in protest of,
various election irregularities in
both current senatorial election,
and in the recent faculty senatorial
In the past, part-time students
were not permitted to run for
senate, and in fact are still not
permitted to either vote or run for
Since Gordon Blankstein is
currently carrying only six units
for credit we believe, or rather
believed, untill the recent senate
meeting, that he was ineligible on
this ground.
However, he is being allowed to
run on a special dispensation of
Senate. Does this mean that part-
time students, like himself, will be
allowed to vote in this election.
We doubt it.
There are other irregularities.
There will be no signed voters
There will be no accurate account of the ballots, since they will
not be numbered. There will be ho
restriction on the number of ballots
a single student may cast, going on
the most recent election practice of
leaving the ballots strewn all over
the ballot table without care.
The way this election, and the
most recent Registrar elections
were held, make a mockery of the
system of electing representatives
from the students, and contravenes
every principal of good election
We know that student-held
elections are open to student
scrutiny through Student Court and
through the AMS.
Registrar-held elections are
open to scrutiny by no student,
except on the whim of the
Elections held in this manner by
the registrar offend every thinking
student and should be rejected as
half-assed attempts to make the
student representatives on Senate
unimportant and insignifigant to
the whole process.
It is a mockery of the democratic
principal of fair and equal elections.
We, the undersigned, hereby
withdraw our nominations as of
Wednesday, March 26, 1975.
Arlene J. Francis
Bruce Wilson
On behalf of the "Bread for the
World" committee I would like to
commend you on your coverage of
the events on world development.
We were pleased that the issue of
hunger and its causes was raised
and caused the response it did. As
you pointed out, many times,
hunger is caused by the same
system of economics and attitudes
that create poor in Canada, oppress the Indians, et al.
It seems, though, that many do
not want to see that connection.
It was also good to see myths
destroyed. Again, though, it is
interesting to see how the
university creates blindness.
Stances that appear to be radical
or concerned with environment,
when put into what appears to be
the pursuit of academic concerns,
can hide essentially conservative
and selfish viewpoints.
Most of the opposition appeared
to be this — rather than pushing for
radical change the rhetoric
covered the maintenance of the
status quo. (Even calling for
revolution becomes a cover for our
way of life).
All in all, The Ubyssey was an
important vehicle in the discussion
of important concerns. In many
ways The Ubyssey did that on
many issues and fulfilled its role as
student paper in this way.
Thanks again.
By the way, so far $3,000 was
raised for the self-help projects in
the third world that were chosen
for sponsorship.
George Hermanson
Lutheran campus centre
Warmest congratulations to
Denise Chong for an admirable
piece of interviewing and reporting
on the issue of literacy — better
described   as   comeptence   in
written English.
Those who will take the time to
read Chong's careful assembly of
relevant opinions will, I suggest,
agree on at,least two conclusions:
1) that the socio-economic
background of children (and their
parents) is as relevant as
classroom conditions;
2) that it isn't all the fault of
(education minister) Eileen
Leonard Marsh
professor, emeritus,
Good job
Editor, The Ubyssey,
Dear Sir:
Just a note of congratulations on
your paper this year, put out by a
staff obviously adept at journalism
as well as tripping over telephone
It is one of the best four years I
have had the privilege of observing, with technically perfect
photography, well-written articles,
well-edited copy and well-laid-out
In all, a year which once again •
proves The Ubyssey is the best
newspaper west of False Creek and
east of Vancouver Island.
Thank you.
Lesley Krueger
arts 4
Both your editorial and Denise
Chong's article on the "literacy
issue" are excellent contributions
to the current discussion. It is a
pleasure to congratulate The
Ubyssey for such informative and
thoughtful coverage of a serious
academic and cultural problem.
In response to the important
point you make about the need for
consultation between high schools
and universities, we would like to
offer some further information.
The kind of consultation you
recommend has in fact been taking
place in recent years and
especially during the past several
Members of the English
department have been invited on
several occasions to speak to
teachers       during       schools' Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page 5
professional days. In addition the
English department has sponsored
two meetings at UBC this year
which have brought together
members of the English department and the English education
department as well as English
teachers from community colleges
.and high schools.
These meetings have led to the
establishment of an organization to
be known as the English teachers'
group, which will "provide regular
opportunities for informal
meetings, between teachers of
English in high schools, colleges
and universities."
One of the main efforts of these
meetings will be to find "ways to
assist students in their transition
from school to university."
Last fall the education minister
called together English department heads and education faculty
deans from the three universities
to discuss literacy problems in the
universities, the schools, and the
community. This indication of the
government's concern was very
encouraging and we look forward
to increasing co-operation among
all levels of education.
All these are preliminary steps
toward a properly integrated
approach to literacy among all
levels of education in the province.
We hope that by next year at this
time we shall have gone much
Robert Jordan
head, English department
As the term approaches its end,
students are aware of their final
examinations. At this time, I would
like to express my opinion about
the deficiencies in evaluation of
student performance.
As we know, there are usually
two or more sections for each
specific course. Hence different
instructors may handle different
Since each prof will cover his
material in a different way, some
prof may emphasize this subject
while another prof may emphasize
the other area.
As a consequence, each prof
makes up part of the questions
each exam. Some students may
find that they have little exposure
to this subject, while others find
they are familiar with this topic by
the example given by their prof.
This of course will benefit those
students who have covered the
subject in considerable depth with
their instructor.
Also, different persons' attitudes
lead to different evaluation for the
same paper. One prof will give a
paper more marks than another.
This is the psychological effect of
different taste and different
requirements in standard.
This situation occurs often in the
essay-type exams. It is also true
that some profs are tight in their
essay marking criteria but some
are very generous with the marks.
In the faculty of commerce, the
evaluation of students' performance tends to range in a great
There are especially quite a
number of instructors who are on
the temporary teaching staff. They
don't bear much responsibility as
the permanent instructors do.
Consequently some of them even
don't prepare their lectures.
I hope this situation will improve
in the future. At the present time,
the accounting division is the worst
one among all the divisions,
especially in auditing and taxation.
In conclusion, I hope the performance of students' academic
achievements will be evaluated on
a fair, consistent basis in order to
reflect a student's true knowledge
of the subject.
T. Tsang
accounting 2
I think it is unfair that unmarried
couples are not allowed to live
together on campus. They are
students, too, and study as hard as
anyone else. They can also have
the same financial difficulties.
Because they do not want to get
married should not mean that they
be treated as if they don't exist.
When I asked at housing administration about common law
residence, I was told that unmarried couples do not have stable
First, the statement is not true. I
know many happy couples who are
not married and have been living
together for a long time, including
myself and my boyfriend.
Secondly, it's none of housing's
business how long a relationship
lasts, anyway.
Surely, there is more chance of
students not getting along in double
residences where roommates are
chosen at random.
Thirdly, I know of many cases
where students ran down to city
hall a few days before admittance
to married residence to get their
precious pieces of paper.
What an obvious farce.
We all know just how much
stability a piece of paper signifies.
Look at the high divorce rate.
If a woman and man sign up for
the same room. It is obviously the
result of a mutual agreement and
should be enough proof of a stable
I think that housing should stop
treating students like children
(most of them are 19 and therefore
legal adults).
Housing, wake up.
Susan Garing
arts 3
I note that you expressed
astonishment at the incorrect line
recently taken by Hardial Bains
with regards to the question of
racism. If you found that
astonishing, this should really blow
your mind.
It is from a CPC (ML) poster of
about last September, and since it
is from their own poster, there can
be no charge of capitalistic press
Long live the just struggle of
the Native Indian People to
defend their hereditary rights!
Like, wow!
The commies are coming out for
hereditary rights! (Whatever they
are — perhaps something out of
Metternich? Since property rights
— the notion that one should have
ownership of that which one has
created — is a capitalistic notion,
presumably they couldn't have got
so far off line as to mean that. So it
must be something like, that which
one's ancestors were once the
nearest people to, one should
therefore have.)
Think of the possibilities of this!
Why, I expect them to come out for
Zionism sometime soon, on the
ground that that is the ancestral
home for the Jews.
And then ship them japs and
chinks and ragheads back to where
they came from, and the niggers
back to Africa, and then the krauts
and polacks and spies and frogs
and wasps and wops back to
Europe and then put them
eggheads back in their shells and
my apologies to anyone I missed.*
I had an idea that communism,
at least as represented by
Leninism and Maoism, was a
reactionary force in the world, but
it's not often I come across such a
clear statement of it. And for all
the humor that group" produces,
this evinced reactionism is no
On a different topic, it seems
somehow very appropriate that the
movie Linda Lovelace for
President should appear in the
same year as the ridiculous Why
Not? campaign. After all, could
she screw it up any more . . . well,
uh, that is. .. .
Barry Hill-Tout
science 4
*P.S. Yes, I know that's a non
sequitur. Since when has that ever
bothered politicians and racists?
Many independent surveys on
the use of personal interviews as a
selection device have concluded
that it is usually an inefficient and
invalid procedure. Among the
results of Wright (1969) and of
Webster (1964), for example:
1) Interviewers develop a bias
early in the interview with
minimal information;
2) Over time, interviewers
develop a stereotype of a good
candidate which is biased to their
own views;
3) Interviewers are influenced
more by unfavorable than by
favorable information, and their
final evaluation is more closely
related to unfavorable information;
4) Interviewers are seldom
successful in predicting the interviewee's job performance; and
so on. . . .
Perhaps these points explain in
part why the faculty of medicine
has lately been receiving criticism
on their methods of selecting
candidates as the personal in-
tf rview is still an important part of
their assessment procedures.
If the faculty of medicine is
really interested in choosing the
best candidates, then why not use
some of the results of Mayfield
(1964) regarding sound methods
for candidate evaluation:
1} Interviews should be conducted by a panel of three interviewers. This permits better
interpretation of the results obtained and the intrusion of fewer
2) Interviewers should be
trained for their specific jobs; and
3) Interviews should be highly
structured, thus allowing fairer
comparison between candidates.
Bill Deacon
P.S. I am attaching the following
references for your files: Moore
and Lee, Journal of Applied
Psychology, 1974, 59,11, pp 163-167;
Wright, Personal Psychology, 1969,
22, pp 391-413; Mayfield, Personal
Psychology, 1964, 17, No. 3.
The increasing racial tension
between whites and East Indians in
Vancouver, and Premier Barrett's
timely remarks urging UBC
students to "search their own
biases and help eradicate latent
racism," remind me of a curious
event that took place on campus a.
few months ago.
Hillel House sponsored a
discussion on the P.L.O. issue,
which featured a carefully
refereed encounter between two
UBC professors, one a Palestinian
and the other an Israeli.
During the question-answer
period, the Palestinian departed
from script and remarked (to what
he took to be his largely Jewish
audience), "Let's face it ... I
mean, let's not be wishy-washy
about this . . . Jews are detested
everywhere but in Palestine . . .
where they belong, with us (the
Not unaware of ill feeling toward
Jews, I was still taken aback by
this statement, and more so when a
student rose to confirm the
professor's dark view.
Since I had not yet come to
equate the state-of-being-detested
to Jewishness, I felt that the exchange defied purposeful comment.
A few weeks after that occasion,
my. 10-year-old son had a disturbing experience when his school
teacher unexpectedly asked him to
tell the class something about
Hanukkah, no doubt to add an
endearing touch of Canadian
mosaic between Christmas carols.
At that point, however, another
boyaskedmy son (aloud), "You're
Jewish?" When my son nodded,
the boy philosophized:
"Everybody hates the Jews."
My son asked, "Why?" and the
boy replied starkly: "The Jews
start all the wars."
Anti-semitism is the greatest
hatred in human history, so far
lasting over 2,000 years. It is
regarded by many contemporary
scholars as the most shameful
aspect of Western culture.
Whatever fails to oppose it,
sustains and encourages it.
Reduced to the little dramas I've
reported, the learned professor
says "detested" — the ignorant
boy says "hated." The bigot raises
his fist; the professor summons up
his scholarly poise and cries,
Is this how we academics
promote the activity of examining
biases and eradicating racism?
Would the professor now like to tell
the East Indians where to go?
R. S. Ratner
assistant sociology professor
After five years at U.B.C. one
becomes quite used to The
•Ubyssey's grotesqueness.
However, certain film reviews in
last week's Page Friday (March 7)
were the last straw, as far as
ignorance and bad taste go.
The primary task of the critic is
to enlighten the Philistines
correctly, and this has always
demanded that the former have an
acute sense of responsibility. Few
attain the required objectivity or
have the wisdom to remain silent.
Much of this lack of responsibility,
a word little respected in our age of
mass-media, originates from an
insufficient understanding and
one's refusal to acknowledge it.
Such is the case of Robert Diotte in
his very misleading recent film
critique of Bunuel's Le fantome de
la liberte.
Diotte declares that, "it is not
difficult to see what Bunuel was
about in this film." This
presumption gives rise to his
erroneous judgement, and stems
from his lack of curiosity, a sign of
intellectual immaturity evident in
his statement: "The picture loses
any semblance of coherence and I
find myself both bored and impatient with it. Consequently I
could not care less what the film
was doing. Instead of being caught
up in the film I was uninterested in
it." Thus Diotte's actual criticism
of the film is that he was not entertained, but faced with an in-~
tellectual challenge.
This challenge requires of the
audience the essential thing Diotte
obviously lacks; a wide cultural
background, both literary and
artistic, or as T.S. Eliot once called
it, a sense of tradition, which is the
basis of all good creativity. In his
review of the escapist and commercial Stavisky our critic states:
"If you enjoy a movie that moves
instead of trying to be a poem. . ."
This is the keystone of his
misunderstanding. He does not see
the movie as work of art which is
the product of a complex historic-
artistic tradition, but as the
spontaneous creation of Bunuel's
fancies, on which the critic may
subjectively comment and present
us his personal feelings; that in
fact, may interest his friends but
not the reader.
Above all in "film-making" the
director   draws   into   his   work
constant references to art and
literature as his audio-visual
medium demands, and of which
the responsible critic must be
Let us turn, then, to the key
«xtra-cinematographical references in Le Fantome . . . The film
does not merely begin "with political executions .. . about the
time of Napoleon," but specifically
at that time with a picture of
Goya's painting, The Third of May
1808. Immediately following is an
adaptation of The Kiss, a legend,
(not "a romantic novel"), by the
Spanish romantic poet, G. A.
Becquer, as Bunuel tells his
Goya's painting determines the
thematic unity and we find it again
within the film on the walls of the
police station. On the third of May
1808 the people of Madrid rose
against the Janus-faced
Napoleonic regime which had
brought to Spain both liberal ideas
and tyranny.
The ousting of the French was
followed by the despotic rule of
Ferdinand VII. Thereafter Spanish
liberalism was a failure as it
lacked the strong commercial
class that had existed in France
before 1789. This was partly due to
the harsh repression of Spanish
liberal elements by Napoleon's
army, which was a tool of the
French bourgeoisie. As we see in
Goya's painting French soldiers
executing Spaniard's, so may we
understand that Bunuel thereby
underlines the hypocrisy of the
French bourgeoisie that understands liberty only in its own
terms. Accordingly he sets the
mood with a series of executions of
priests, soldiers and middle-class
intellectuals, the three motive
classes of Spain.
As a logical continuation to this
Bunuel introduces his own version
of Becquer's legend. A dragoon
captain, whom Bunuel names
"Richepin" is frustrated in his
attempt to kiss the funeral statue
of a Spanish noblewoman.
Becquer's legend ends at this
point, but Bunuel prolongs it by
having the Captain unseal the
tomb. This is part of Bunuel's irony
to emphasize his idea that the
bourgeoisie only coveted the
possessions of the aristocracy.
The author's statement is that
the revolution ended with the rule
of Napoleon; therefore all scenes
concerning the upper bourgeoisie
take place in a Napoleonic setting.
The lower bourgeoisie, such as the
police instructor, lives in a very
modern, or "pop", setting and
manifests its vulgarity through its
continuous scatological concerns.
The reference to Becquer is
closely related to the formal
structure of the movie. His famous
work, Rimas, is a collection of
short poems connected by the
poet's constant reference to an
ideal woman deemed impossible.
The scenes of the movie are related
by the passive figure of a woman
who is a nurse in the first anecdote
and appears at the end as the dead
sister of the chief of police.
She takes part in four out of the
six anecdotes subequent to
Becquer's legend. This young lady
also serves to connect the only
family name used in the film, that
of "Richepin", as it is born by
three people, the captain, the
young man who seduces his elderly
aunt, and the chief of police. A
brief summary will help clarify the
underlying unity of the plot.
A man obsessed by the symeory
of things is reminded of his past
sexual liberty by his automatic
freudian, interpretation of postcards of renaissance architecture,
given by a stranger to his
daughter. His negative reaction
articulates his bourgeois wish to
stop any progress, such as that of
the renaissance.
That night he has an alleogrical
vision of four figures crossing his
Continued on page 6 Page 6
Thursday, March 27, 1975
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Business Administration
with a major in Transportation
at the University of British
Columbia in Vancouver,
Canada. UBC has the largest
business school in Canada and
one of the most prestigious
faculties in North America.
Our graduates are in demand.
Scholarships, fellowships, and
research assistantships (as
much as $5,000) are available
for well qualified students.
Preference will be given to
students with undergraduate
degrees in economics,
engineering, computer science,
mathematics, or the physical
For information write:
Prof. Karl M. Ruppenthal
Director, Centre for
Transportation Studies
University of British Columbia
Vancouver, Canada V6T  1W5
From page 5
room, precisely in this order: a
rooster, i.e. a French Republican
symbol; a woman blowing out a
candle, i;e. the end of the liberal
enlightment; a mailman bringing
him a letter, which is a traditional
symbol of death; and finally an
ostrich, who, like the self-
complacent French society stares
blankly at the world around it and
is oblivious of its social
predicament. The next morning, as
the man is about to give the letter
he received to his doctor, a nurse
enters to ask for permission to go
see her ailing father in the countryside.
On the way to her father's home
she meets a military detachment
fox-hunting with a tank. The
weather conditions force her to
stop at an old hotel for the night.
It is also here that Claude
Richepin and his aunt come. The
nurse is befriended by some card-
playing priests of bourgeois extraction, partisans of the liberal
Church. The episode centres
around a grumbly character who
takes great pleasure in shocking
his bourgeois guests, the nurse, the
priests and Richepin, by
flagellating his buttocks and
calling himself just what the
bourgeoisie is made to be, a whore.
In the morning the nurse drives a
police instructor to work. Bunuel
gleefully reveals the brutal
childishness of policemen, and the
vulgarity of the lower middle-
class. Afterwards the same police
students stop a man for speeding.
The latter is off to see his doctor
who tells him that he has a cancer.
At first he tries to laugh off death,
but when his doctor offers him a
cigarette, as to a condemned
prisoner, he becomes angry and
leaves. Once home he is told that
his daughter has disappeared. An
error in the teacher's roll call has
provoked this indicent, and
although the little girl is still in the
classroom this sets into motion the
bureaucratic machine, so that the
parents and the police play a game
of search.
Another "game" episode is inserted at this point. A young man,
who likes animals, runs to the top
of a skyscraper and begins to shoot
at crowds of tourists and shoppers.
He is caught and set free again to
become a popular hero, because he
has entertained the middle-class
mind by breaking the daily
symetry or formal monotony.
Bunuel then returns to the
preceding episode at the moment
at which the child is officially given
back to her parents.
The final anecdote begins as the
Chief of Police is on the point of
explaining the recovery of the child
to the parents. At that instant he is
interrupted, leaves and goes to a
modernist bar, where he meets a
young lady who looks like his late
sister. As he is talking about that
sister he receives a phone call from
his dead sister who invites him to
find out the secret of death.
That night he goes to her tomb
and tries to open it. He is arrested
and nobody believes that he is the
Chief of Police. Richepin therefore
finds out the death of liberty.
Shortly after he is called back to
his office by the Chief of Police by
whom he has been substituted, but
again he reassumes his role, for all
bourgeois are alike.
Finally he goes to the zoo to
begin an organized slaughter of the
only beings that the bourgeoisie
has not reduced to its forms, and
who inspize liberty — animals.
The end of the movie combines
its own beginning and the conclusion of the allegorical vision
with shooting and inarticulate
almost human cries of animals, all
under the supervision of the chief
of police who is juxtaposed with the
image of an ostrich. What is difficult to understand is Diotte's
"reading-in" when he states that,
"The film ends with the police
firing on crowds who are trying to
lock themselves up in zoon cages",
as one is never shwon what the
police is shooting at, nor is the
sound articulate enough to
determine whether it is human or
Le fantome de la liberte may be
seen as a better continuation of Le
charme discret de la bourgeoisie.
Much as Fellini's Guido, in 81/2,
conceives life as a great holiday,
Bunuel's bourgeoisie sees it as an
endless narcistic game devoid of
sense. All the stories told in Le
fantome . . . are incomplete and in
a passive voice; this is the metalanguage of an inactive
The movie is therefore a many-
sided and tight structure. The
spectator who takes care to
examine it closely will find a close
and clever relation between the
language, the form, and the
symbols used. Everything
presented seems incomplete and
senseless, the stories, the actions,
the dreams and obsessions,
because that is the nature of the
Soon   available  —  the  first   major
publication on B.C.'s most abundant
rYatural   hallucinogen,   Psilocybe
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BRITISH   COLUMBIA  contains  25   color
photos, 5 pages of diagrams, and a complete
description  of  the mushroom that  includes
where and when to look. Send $3.95 (plus
20c for postage and handling) per .copy to:
MUSHROOM GUIDE, Box 2210, Main Post
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City   Province . .
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society represented and satirized.
The movie is therefore not
"boring" but challenging because
of its complex nature.
To complete this letter it is
necessary to point out the root of
Diotte's failure as a critic. His
boeotian wit and gibberish style
arise out of his irresponsibility to
the very tool of his trade, the
language. Should J. Swift return to
life and glance over the many
articles of the Ubyssey he would
find in Diotte's reviews the flower
of the Yahoo culture; an occasional •
look at an English grammer book
might indeed have been of some
help to Diotte. Critics such as
Diotte are dangerous individuals,
not for their lack of ideas, but
because they corrupt the language
and tastes of their readers.
Louis Maingon
hispanic studies.
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with massed choirs and 123-member
james fankhauser, tenor
Vancouver symphony orchestra
Vancouver bach choir
cantata singers
monday, april 7 at 8:30
tuesday, april 8 at 7:30
queen elizabeth theatre
tickets now: Vancouver ticket centre
630 hamilton street
call 683-3255 to charge
to your Eaton account
$6.50, $5.50, $4.50 or $3.50
Students: $2 off the top two prices
This series is sponsored by CHQM
CH@M Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page 7
'Book outlook
better now'
Fewer problems than last year
are expected in getting texts in
time for the beginning of classes in
September, bookstore manager
Bob Smith said Wednesday.
"Last year we had problems
with the suppliers as well as too
many profs getting orders in late,
but this year we already have more
early orders, and the suppliers
have promised better service," he
Smith said April 1 has been set as
a guideline for submitting book
orders for next year.
Should problems arise, Smith
said, the early date gives the
bookstore time to contact the profs
involved before they go on
Faculty has been more attentive
to the problems of the bookstore
than in the past, he said. The
commerce faculty has already said
they won't be able to order until
late April.
"Of course,"he said, "there will
always be late orders because of
administrative assignments. Some
profs don't know until mid-summer
they are teaching a certain course,
so they can hardly have orders in
by April."
Problems are anticipated in
about 10 per cent of total orders
compared to 30 per cent last year.
But all speculation on better
bookstore service based on no
great increase over present
enrolment, he said.
Let's try this
one more time
McGregor packs classics
after 21-year head stint
Malcolm McGregor retires this
year as classics department head
— a post he has held for 21 years.
McGregor has reached the
mandatory retirement age of 65.
However, McGregor said in an
interview Wednesday he will
continue teaching a full course load
and will retain his position as
director of ceremonies.
McGregor ran as "the people's
candidate" in the recent arts
undergraduate society alternate
arts dean election.
When asked how he felt about
losing the election to Frank
Mahovlich, star left winger for the
Toronto Toros of the World Hockey
Association, McGregor said: "I
lost? You mean I lost to a left
winger? I can scarcely believe it.
I'm absolutely shocked."
McGregor, a right winger in
campus politics, claimed: "I'm a
centre man. The, key to a line is
the centre.
"I'm losing my confidence in the
electorate," he said. "I'll have to
speak sharply to my department
about this — they probably didn't
vote enough.
"I'm a man of ethics,"
McGregor said. "I only voted three
times in the election."
McGregor worked on The
Ubyssey between 1926 and 1930
before graduating and taking on a
teaching post at UBC.
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Thursday, March 27, 1975
Brock Hall renovation hit
A petition protesting the
proposal to renovate Brock Hall
and build the library processing
centre there will be presented to
the board of governors in an effort
to halt the plan.
The plan was approved by the
planning and co-ordinating
committee March 18 after it
rejected proposals to build the
centre at the north end of the main
library and on SUB greenspace
adjacent to Brock.
Cathy Kershaw, education 2,
said Thursday the petition circulated by herself and John
Taggart, commerce, is signed by
70 students who study in Brock and
would be presented to the board at
its April 1 meeting when the PCC
will recommend renovations to
Brock to accommodate the centre.
The petition objects to the
proposal on the grounds that taking
study space out of Brock will
aggravate the current study space
shortage, that the building was
built by and for the students, and
that construction of a new building
to accommodate those people
displaced by the processing centre
is inevitable, said Kershaw.
"We're not against greenspace,
but the study area is important,"
she said. "It affects more than the
Brock Hall study area, but all
study areas on campus which must
accommodate the people who
studied in Brock," she said.
Members of the creative writing
department also objected Thursday to the proposal, which would
force them to move out of Brock
into facilities elsewhere on campus.
Associate professor Jacob Zilber
said he does not want the centre to
be built in Brock  because the
centralized structure of the
creative writing offices lends itself
well to the purposes of the
"It was an ideal setup for instructors and students," he said. "I
bet it would be impossible to
duplicate this setup anywhere on
Zilber said the creative writing
department has been trying to get
the kind of facilities it now has
since it was founded in 1946 by poet
Earle Birney. He said the
department was glad to move out
of Buchanan into its present
facilities in 1969, and only recently
opened a lounge for creative
writing students.
"With one swipe of a wrecker's
ball, we're back to 1946," he said.
Meredyth Savage, lecturer in the
department, said the department
will not accept the idea.
"We feel it would really be a
hardship for the department. If we
were moved back into Buchanan,
there would be absolutely no
contact between students.
Everything depends on contact
between people," she said.
"It isn't an academic course,
after all," said Savage.
She said "it would just kill the
spirit of the department to move
back into Buchanan.
"The environment is always
important. Buchanan is antithetical to what we're trying to do
and Brock is ideal," she said.
"There must be another alternative to simply a choice between
Brock and greenspace."
According to head librarian
Basil Stuart-Stubbs, however,
Brock is the least of the evils.
"There's no solution to this
problem that'll keep everybody
happy," he said. He said Brock
was one of several alternatives
being considered, and that it has
the most going for it.
At various times the PCC has
considered renovating the main
library, building the centre on SUB
greenspace between the main
library and SUB, as well as the two
proposals which were rejected last
week. All those sites have been
rejected by the siting committee.
Stubbs said it was strong student
opposition which led to the committee's rejection of the greenspace site adjacent to Brock.
Senate vote
on today
Six students will be elected to
senate today in the last elections of
the university year.
The election will increase
student representation on senate to
17 seats. Under the new Universities Act, representation has
already increased from the
previous 12 seats and may go as
high as 25% of Senate.
Vying for the five positions of
representative-at-large are:
Gordon Blankstein (unclassified),
Colm Cole (Science 4>, Ronald
Dumont (arts 3), Johan DeRooy
(Elementary education 4),
RicharcTHeenan (phys ed 3), Brian
Higgins (arts 4), Brian Krasselt
(science 3), incumbent Douglas
Mackay (arts 4), Michael Mathers
(law 1) and Gary Moore (commerce 3). Bernard Bischoff
(philosophy) and Garth Sundeen
(food science) are contesting the
position of senator representing
grad students.
"Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein has given
us our only authentic modern myth."
Theodore Roszak
A Multi-Media Event with
Professor of History and Chairman of General
Studies at California State University, Hayward
and author of the highly challenging and
important books The Making of a Counter
Culture and Where the Wasteland Ends will
present and discuss his production of:
A multi-media exploration of the Frankenstein
myth on its technological, moral and religious
levels followed by discussion with Professor
Wednesday, April 9, 1975
8:00 p.m.
Lecture Hall 2, Woodward Instructional
Resources Centre, UBC
$3.00;  students $2.00
For further information phone 228-2181
(Local 261)   8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
Centre for Continuing Education
The University of British Columbia
A- Pop Myth
and Monster Show
SUB THEATRE April 4 at 12:30
"Relevance of Non-Violence Today/'
A CCCM Event
World Federation for Mental Health
Fund-Raising Lecture
"Mental Health and World Development"
Hyatt Regency Hotel Ballroom
Monday, April 14 at 8:15 p.m.
Students $1.00; Members $3.00, Others $5.00
Reserved Tickets in Advance:
W. F.M.H., c/o U.H.S.C, U.B.C. - 228-2332
Student Health Service, U.B.C.
Wesbrook 301 - 228-2151
free-form furniture and waterbeds
162 water street, gastown, Vancouver
open daily 10 - 10 - sat. 10 - 6 - sun. 12 - 6 — 687-2891
and we've got so much more Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page 9
Green paper 'racist'
Deputy Immigration minister
Alan Gotlieb told a hostile audience
at UBC Monday his department
will consider allowing more
refugees into Canada from
troubled areas.
Many of the 150 people who
listened to Gotlieb's speech at UBC
called him a racist and catcalled
him throughout.
Gotlieb ignored the audience and
continued to read a prepared text
of the speech.
He said Canada must continue to
stress the ''humanitarian aspect"
of its immigration policy.
"One possibility is some
broadening of the application
policy to non-voluntary immigrants. This policy must value
human dignity and be based on
When a member of the audience
called, "what about the Haitians"
(in reference to the government's
recent deportation of Haitians in
Montreal), Gotlieb did not respond.
He said Canada's liberal immigration laws have created
problems since most immigrants
go to the already congested urban
areas, Vancouver, Toronto and
But Gotlieb said it is difficult to
change this pattern since the jobs
sought by immigrants exist mainly
in these cities.
"It is a possibility greater emphasis should be placed on incentives to bring immigrants to the
places where they are needed."
But Gotlieb said the government
must find a balance between these
demographic objectives and the
freedom   of   individuals   to   live
where they want to.
He said immigration to Canada
this year will continue at about last
year's level of 218,000.
Gotlieb denied charges by
questioners after his speech that
the Green Paper is racist.
"The Green Paper was created
on the assumption that the people
of Canada want a nondiscriminatory policy," he said.
Ed Laval, a member of the international committee against
racism (INCAR) asked the deputy
minister if he did not consider it a
bad time to discuss immigration
"in a climate of recession, bad
housing and poor working conditions."
Gotlieb responded by claiming
the government had created the
Green Paper to "receive public
feeling" about immigration.
Another INCAR member
challenged Gotlieb to tell the
audience what the government is
doing to provide "decent working
conditions" for the 40,000 contract
workers she claimed the government is allowing into Canada from
Mexico and the Carribean.
Gotlieb denied recent news
reports that the government is
allowing 40,000 contract workers
into the country.
"There are no contract
workers," he said. "The Carribean
countries and Mexico have entered
into an agreement to send people to
Canada underwork permits. These
countries limit and choose who
The questioner said the government is exploiting foreign workers
Bike paths sought
Four UBC students have
developed a plan for a network of
bikeways that would allow cyclists
to ride safely and pleasurably in
Percy Cox, Colin Mangan, Simon
Tam (all in recreation 3) and Ron
Hume (commerce) will submit
their proposal to Vancouver city
council in April, outlining their
stand that bikeways are a
necessity for the city.
The proposed network would link
with segregated bikeways the
recreational areas of Vancouver to
the city's residential neighborhoods.
Cox proposes that the city begin
to implement the plan by extending
the Stanley Park seawall route to
encircle the park and then to Point
Grey via Kitsilano and Jericho
Cyclists going to UBC from
downtown could follow this path
and then ride south on Blenheim to
join a route to campus along
Other routes on Georgia and
Granville streets would connect
downtown to residential areas.
Cox said the circular bike route
between Queen Elizabeth and
Central parks is inadequate since
cyclists must ride alongside
"noisy, smelly cars."
Cox estimates the bikeway
network would cost $25,000 per
mile to construct, with a total cost
of about $4.5 million.
Vancouver city bureaucrats arer
uninformed and indifferent about
bikeways, Cox says.
The city engineering department
has ignored suggestions by a city
council bike study committee to
look into the feasibility of
bikeways, according to Cox.
If city council accepts the
students' proposal in April construction of the network could
begin as early as next year, he
The Grand Opening of a Program
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Mondays 7-9 p.m.   Basic TV Prod.   $70.00
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Tuesdays 7-9 p.m. Photography    $105.00
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Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. Selling By Magic    $75.00
for 12 weeks starting April 2
Thursdays 6-8 p.m. Effective Radio Plays     $75.00
for 10 weeks starting April 3
Thursdays 8-10 p.m. Horse Racing for Fun and Profit
for 10 weeks starting April 3 $50.00
For further details call 873-2945
or write 3 - 2475 Manitoba St., Van.
by denying them citizenship,
unemployment insurance,
workers' compensation, health
care, the right to join a union and
the right to change jobs.
INCAR member Brett Haughin
said after the meeting Gotlieb did
not address himself to the "real
problems of immigration.
"The government has to address
itself to the problems of unemployment housing and recession *
instead of blaming the victim, the
immigrant, for distribution
by Aristophanes
• Directed by Dorothy Jones
• 'Lysistrata' - Sharon Pollock
• Original Music by Dick Payne
April 2, 3, 4. 5
at 8:30p.m.
(New Westminster
Secondary School)
From a few hours to a few
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students wishing to make
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time this summer. Drop in
between 7:00 and 10:00 a.m.
Monday through Friday.
779 West Broadway
2 Passport, Visa, or
Application Photos
Regular $2.95
Show Your AMS Card
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3343 West Broadway
Thursday, March 27, 1975
Chile petition implicates signers
There's a couple of UBC students
who can cite at least one good
reason for never signing a campus
Just two months before the
September 1972, fascist military
coup that crushed the Chilean
leftist government of Salvador
Allende, there was a petition
circulating at the University of
Chile in Santiago warning against
military intervention on campus.
The signers of the petition
declared themselves ready to fight
to protect academic freedom and
the independence and integrity of
their university.
Maria, a Chilean exile who is
now studying at UBC, says it was
later learned that the initiator of
the petition was an agent
provacteur in the employ of the
"As soon as the coup came, the
army appeared with the list of
names (of the petition signers).
They went to the office and got
their addresses. By the end of the
night they were all under arrest."
Then there was the university
custodian who used to obligingly
unlock campus meeting rooms at
night to allow the leftist groups to
gather. They day after the coup, he
reappeared on campus in uniform
— just as all the leftists were being
rounded up.
Thousands of students — 6,000
out of 10,000 on one campus alone
— were kicked out of schools, but
that wasn't the end of it. The army
goons grabbed red-covered books
off the shelves on the grounds that-
they must have been communist-
tinged, and in the engineering
faculty they burned
''Revolutionary      Ther
modynamics"       (it's       about
hydraulics, or something.)
The day after the coup, every
university rector in the country
was replaced by a military man.
Those departments which most
precisely monitor currents in
society were either gutted or shut
down completely: these included
social work, political science,
anthopology, journalism and fine
arts. This was verified by a Canada
Council-sponsored delegation
which toured Chile last year.        .,
The Canadian delegation also
found that faculty members were
on the same shakey ground as
students and administrators. In the
College of Physicians, many of
whose members had struck
against the poor in hopes of
sabotaging Allende, lists of offenders were prepared the day
after »the coup. Physicianswere
categorized as to whether they
were to be shot, denounced or
banished. Even though Chile is
critically short of doctors, many of
the surviving victims are still
prohibited from practicing.
You didn't have to be a hard-core
political activist to be affected by
the repression. Even if you avoided
being denounced by an ambitious
colleage, you may have found
fascism unpalatable. That was as
true of the middle class as of
anyone else.
"If five students got together in a
room on the campus to prepare for
an exam, very soon someone from
the army would appear," recalls
"He would ask many questions
about our 'meeting,' and he would ';
force us to leave."
Gerardo, another student now at
UBC, recalls how faculty and office
Will Be Closed
Kindly make
your purchases
prior to this date.
the bookstore
University of British Columbia
International Women's Year
Post-Graduate Award
The Faculty Women's Club will offer a special award of
$1,000 to a woman student to mark International
Women's Year.
For consideration, candidates must be graduates of the
University of British Columbia and intend to pursue
Graduate Studies or a Professional Degree .at this
University in the 1975-76 academic year.
Deadline for applications is July 1, 1975. Application
information is available at:
The Dean of Women's Office,
Room 456,
Buchanan Building
staff at her university were kicked
out of their regular offices and
forced to make do in one big room.
Then the army kicked them out of
there on the pretext that they were
having an illegal meeting.
Most of the Chilean exiles in
Vancouver may have smiled on the
Allende regime for his aid to
peasants and workers, or for his
health and educational programs.
But many were a long way from
being members of the Communist
Party, or even just political activists of any stripe. If they had
been, they'd now be dead, in prison
or in hiding, or else they would
have taken refuge in the Mexican
or Swedish embassies.
Nor were the exiles peasants or
workers. Canadian immigration
authorities carefully screened
applicants to ensure that all were
youngish, middle-class
professionals with the money to
buy a plane ticket to Canada.
Among the exiles were lawyers,
engineers, accountants, teachers
and nurses. Most of those who
chose Vancouver met for the first
time in a West End hotel, where
they had been domiciled by Immigration, or through the Catholic
Church, which has helped many of
them find jobs and homes and
which has given them furniture.
Very few of the exiles are
working in their accustomed fields.
Mostly, they are auto mechanics,
waitresses, or apprentice carpenters.
Part of the problem is the
language barrier, but it's also a
fact that the mass media has also
done its destructive work: says
Maria: "many employers want to
know if we have machine guns
under our overcoats."
Not that it bothers the exiles that
much, because most of them intend
to return to Chile when the junta is
overthrown. Meanwhile, they have
one major worry: the coca-
colonization of their children.
"My daughter likes nothing but
Macdonalds hambugers," says
Luis, an auto mechanic.
"She comes home singing every
TV jingle there is. I am afraid she
will know nothing of the way of life
in Chile and what to expect when
she returns there."
Gerardo says the exiles appreciate that Canada was the only
English-speaking country (except
Australia) which accepted exiles in
appreciable numbers. And, despite
having lived under a true leftist,
quasi-revolutionary, regime, they
are not too critical of the Canadian
style bourgois democracy.
"But we think there is too much
materialism here," says Gerardo.
"Everything is buy, buy, buy.
The exiles have banded together
as the Vancouver-Chilean
Association to try to preserve some
of their culture for themselves and
their kids. They celebrated
Christmas in the traditional
Chilean way on December 24 and
are planning to establish a Latin-
oriented day care centre and coffee
The exiles have to be careful
about their political activities in
Canada. For one thing, it was
made clear to them by Canadian
authorities that their stay in
Canada is conditional on their
refraining from involvement in
Canadian politics. For another, the
junta's agents are everywhere,
even among the established
Chilean community in Vancouver,
and it's not wise to become too
visible. After all, most of the exiles
still have relatives back home.
Caution. Do not mix.
A great many people are surprised to learn that they can
become noticeably, even seriously, intoxicated on only
one drink if they have recently taken certain types of
The drugs to be particularly careful about are tranquilizers,
antihistamines, amphetamines and barbiturates.
If you have taken both drugs and alcohol, it can be
exceedingly dangerous to attempt to drive a car or other
We don't want to sound preachy, but we have always
believed that the right way to enjoy any beverage alcohol
product is in moderation. Mixed with drugs, however, even
moderate drinking is out of place.
If you suspect the medication you're taking is not compatible with beverage alcohol, you would be wise to
consult your doctor, your pharmacist, or the government
Department of Health.
Distillers since 1857 SCIENTIFIC
May-July 1975
The University of British Columbia
Intersession Evening Credit Courses begin May 5 and 6
Orientation Evenings April 30 and May 1
Registration Forms and Calendars are available
at the Registrar's Office
General Information
• Most courses are held two evenings a week, 7-10 p.m.,
Mondays and Wednesdays (M & W) or Tuesdays and
Thursdays (T &Th).
• Classes begin May 5 or 6 and end July 23 or 24 unless
,   otherwise indicated.
• Courses may be taken for credit by anyone eligible for
admission to the University who has the necessary course
• A maximum of 6 units of credit may be taken during
Intersession and Summer Session, i.e., in the May to
August period.
• Fee for 3 units of undergraduate credit is $107 (including
AMS fee).
• Students over the age of 65 are exempted from tuition
fees in some courses provided they meet the general
admission and registration requirements pertaining to
other students.
e Although priority is given to credit students, courses
marked * may also be taken on a non-credit basis with the
permission of the instructor; non-credit fee for a 3-unit
course is $75.
a   Advance registration by mail ends April 18.
• In-person registration for courses not yet filled will take
place April 30 and May 1 and May 5 through 8.
Detailed information and registration forms are available at
the Registrar's Office, Tel. 228-2844 or write to the
Registrar's Office, University of British— Columbia,
Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1W5.
Evening Courses—UBC
Agricultural Economics
504(3) Extension Planning and Evaluation -M&W
*414(3) Economic Anthropology - M & W
Asian Studies
*435(3) Modern Japanese Novels in Translation -M&W
Computer Science
*310(3) Advanced Programming and Data Structures -T
*100(3) Principles of Economics - M & W
490(3) Applied Economics - T & Th
301/302(3)    Introduction     to    Education     Psychology/'
lntro_du_TtiQ_n to EdiJcation^Evaluation - T & Th
310/311(3)    Growth    and    Development/The   Nature   and
Measurement of Learning - T & Th
332(3) Psychology of Adolescence -M&W
404(3) Curriculum and Instruction in Social Studies -T
430(3) History of Education -M&W
432(3) Adolescent Psychology -M&W
435(r/2> Introduction  to the Study  of   Individuals in
Groups-June 21-27
439(1 Vi) Instructional     Television:     Principles     and
Application  of  Non-Studio Techniques - Th,
7-10 and some Sats.: May 8-June 12
470(3) Educational Sociology - T & Th & Sats.: May
6-June 28
472/474(3)    Guiding Reading Growth in Junior and Senior
Secondary     Schools/Developing     Reading
Programs   for   Junior   and   Senior   Secondary
Schools - M & W, 4:30-7:30
473(3) Developmental    Reacting    in   the   Elementary
Grades-T&Th, 4:30-7:30
478(3) Teaching English as a Second Language -M&W
489(3) Applied Linguistics for Teachers T & Th
494(114) Communications Media Programs in Schools -
Motion Picture Film and Television - T, 7-10 &
Sats., 9-4: May 6-31
495(1 Vi) Still   Photography   in  Education  - M, 7-10 &
Sats., 9-4: May 5 -31
496(1 Vi) Motion  Picture  Production in Education - M,
7-10 & Sats, 9-4: June 2-28
580(1 Vi) Information Systems and Educational Research
(ERIC) -M&W: May 5-June 11
English Education
302(1 H)
321 (3)
Fine Arts
Children's Literature - T & Th
Literature and Composition -M&W
A Survey of English Literature from Chaucer to
Short Fiction -M&W
Practical Writing -T & Th: May 6-June 12
Advanced   Practical  Writing  - T  & Th:  June
English Composition - M & W or T & Th
Modern English and its Background -M&W
Approaches to Poetry - T & Th
Studies in Major Authors: Fielding and Dickens
Canadian Literature -M&W
Studies in American Literature - T & Th
History of Western Art - M & W
Studio 1 -T&Th
19th and 20th Century Art - T & Th
See Directed Study Abroad
Advanced   Studies   in   French   Language   and
Style, III -M&W
Literatures of the French-Speaking World - T &
German for Reading Knowledge -M&W
The Reformation - T & Th
Diplomacy of the Great Powers from the Early
20th Century -M&W
History of the Soviet Union -M&W
First-Year Italian -M&W
*445(3) Sociolinguistics -M&W
Statistics-T &Th
Geometry -M&W
Perspectives in Nursing -M&W
Clinical Nursing -M&W
Note: The two Nursing courses above are being given for the
last time.
♦100(3) Introduction to Philosophy -M&W
♦250(3) Epistemology and Metaphysics - T & Th
♦301(3) Ethics-T&Th
1 *31 7(3) Philosophy of Religion -M&W
♦350(3) Epistemology and Metaphysics - T & Th
♦410(3) Philosophical Problems -M&W
Physical Education
364(1 Vi) Psychological     Foundations    of    Sport    and
Physical Activity -M&W: May 5-June 11
Political Science
♦204(3) International Politics - T & Th
♦300(3) Development     of     Political     Theory:     Basic
Concepts and Issues - T & Th
200(3) Experimental Psychology -M&W
308(3) Social Psychology - T & Th
309(3) Cognitive Processes-M&W
316(3) Methods in Research - T & Th
Religious Studies
♦341 (3) Islamic Art and Architecture - T & Th
♦351 (1%)       Geography  of   Urbanization   - T  & Th:  May
6-June 12
Sociology of Lifestyles - T & Th
Introduction to Comparative Social Institutions
Social Stratification - T & Th
Socialization - T & Th
Sociology of Mental Illness - T & Th
Social Conflict -T&Th
First-Year Spanish - T & Th
Second-Year Spanish -M&W
Women's Studies
♦222(3) Women's Studies - T & Th Established 1945
April 1984
Volume 435
Number 3
Discussions   concerning   seven per cent, interest over nine months.
26 OFF TRACK BETTING ON MARS,   by Eric von Heineken
Jimmy the Greek makes book with the little green men.
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis   and you.
The pros and cons of carcinogens go to court.
by George Woodcock       An  examination of  the  whole thing in iambic pentametre.
The   answer,   my   friend,   is, blowing in the wind.
by Henry P. Thagorus        Yes, why not?
82 ERECTIONS AND URBAN PLANNING,   by Prof. Walter Hardwick
A discussion of the leanings for  urban politicians.
86 LATEST ADVANCES IN FISHING TECHNOLOGY,   by William Colby and Howard Hughes
The old man and the Sea enter the cold war.
97 THE ROLE OF EAR WAX IN THE TOP 10,   by Roy Hennessey
A build-it-yourself sound wall.
99 ALPHA-BITS AND THE ROSETTA STONE,  by Prince Faisal Bin Abdel Aziz
An Egyptian dog's breakfast.
An examination of whether it holds up to the test.
Gerard L. Heiffer, Amy Exxono, Ima Yokel, Bessy Cowe, Virinias Claus,
Sally Isa Jenks, Ira Fogel, Ben Bluebeard.
Sassy Cants, I. M. Stoned, Arnold Schluk, Vesty Carlzerback.
Weldon Hickup, George Tailored, Earl of Lowry.
Dave Hrechosky, Jerry Toppazzini, Penelope Plum.
Solweg "Pinky" Floyd
Harry Carey
Stan D. l'att
Dick E. Bird LETTERS
It was with deep regret that I read Donald
Dickie's article on the evolution of waste in our
waters ("Cans With Fins." SCIENTIFIC ARMENIAN, February). If, as the good doctor points
out, all the waste we deposit in our waters will
eventually evolve into living organisms, the oceans
and lakes will soon be teaming with weird species:
cylindrical fish with names like Coca colaccychus;
square cartons with webbed-feet called two-
percent-homogenized lacticocci — to be distinct
from another race whole.
I suppose, after a few years, the creatures from
the sea will soon become acclimatized to land, and
we will see animals with curious growths on their
shiny bellies spelling "Schlitz," "Bud" and the like.
This new species will probably become known as
Cruise Craft A.W.O.L.
Institute of Hops,
Re Red E. Mixmeister's article extolling the
virtues of artificial cement ("Replace The Sidewalk
With  Artificial- Cement,"   SCIENTIFIC   AR-
Scientific  Armenian.  April,   1984;   Vol.  435.  No
4.    Published    monthly    by   Scientific   Armenian
Inc., 415  Lenin  Ave.,  Erevan, Armenia.     Dwayne
Stittoff,'   president;     George     Woodcock
vice-president;   Dan   Miller Jr.,  vice-president  anc
treasurer; Rosemary Wood, secretary.
Editorial  correspondence should  be addressed to
the   Editor's    Censor,.   Scientific   Armenian,   415
Lenin Ave., Erevan, Armenia.
Change of Address should  be addressed to KGB
Information Bureau, c/o Scientific Armenian, 415
Lenin   Ave.,   Erevan,   Armenia.     Please notify  us
four   weeks   in   advance   of   change   to   allow for
proper bugging and wiretapping procedures to be
in   place   upon   your   arrival.   Use   People's   Post
Office form 3578.
O Pleaae enter change of address.
□ Please enter subscription.
U.S. and Canada:
□ 1 year, $15       □ 2 years, $27     □ 3 years, $37
All other countries:
D 1 year, $18       D 2 years, $33     D 3 years, $45
MENIAN, June). I fail to see the logic behind
replacing cement with the new plastic cement
manufactured by the Three R company. Just
because it wears longer, looks better, and is softer
than real cement does not mean that it is a better
replacement. I have been involved in a detailed
study of real grass as a replacement for both artificial grass and real cement. To me, based on data
gleaned from my experiments, grass is infinitely
better than cement, artificial cement and artificial
Grass is self-regenerating — it replaces itself with
no help from anything but the sun and the rain; its
verdant color is unique and cannot be duplicated;
the texture of the surface cannot be paralleled by
artificial means; and it feels soft and cushy under
the toes. Moreover, this grass will produce more
grass for other areas. As a matter of fact, I have
seen many plants around my area which could,
given the time, seed the whole earth.
Dept. of Botany,
New York City College,
I take great exception to J. P. Cutle's article on
the fork ("The One-Pronged Fork: A study on the
redundancy of prongs on forks," SCIENTIFIC
I am a vegetarian and I find I cannot eat with one
of Cuttle's one-pronged forks. Even though he
states, "on the basis of the data, given the conditions and parameters in the laboratory, and the
subjects' propensity for chopsticks, a conclusion
can be made: That the function of the fork is
negated by the number of prongs minus one
squared: F = (N-1)2. Thus, each additional prong
after the initial single prong, is an unnecessary
attachment to the device and, aside from the
redundancy to the system, tends to take away from
the express functionality of that system. Ergo,
make forks with single prongs," I heartily disagree.
I suppose it is because I have this great urge to
consume peas. Yes, peas! Have you ever tried to eat
peas with a one-pronged fork? Let me tell you, I
almost starved the first time; it took me three hours
to spear 39 peas with the fork you describe. Now, it
may well be that the fork is redundant, but, as my
case proves, the function of the fork is enhanced by
the number of prongs. Thus, I would have to conclude that the function of the fork is directly
proportional to the number of prongs (F = N).
Agronomy Dept.,
Warsaw Poly technical.
Excellent story you mates wrote about recycling
beer ("Put The Piss Back In The Bottles It Came
Your proposal of siphoning off the waste in biffies,
"you only rent it anyway," could have interesting
ramifications. Suppose, if establishments institute
such a device as described in your article, that
instead of buying bear, patrons pay rent? For
example, a patron goes to the bar, pays the rent and
a deposit; when he returns with the bottle full of
"piss" he gets his deposit back.  To  me,  this
procedure would abolish the needless machine
involved in recycling, and the patrons, because they
get their deposit back, won't waste the vital liquid.
Head, Dover Cliffs Tavern,
Dover, England.
Dear Sirs,
Having been a fairly expert swinger in my youth
some five years ago, I was enormously aroused by
the article written by Dr. B.J. Cumport entitled
"The Swing as a Nuclear Weapon."
As a boy I lived in the outskirts of Truckover, the
northern seaport of Armenia, where there was
enough space around my ancestrial tent to practise
my swinging. Dr. Comport does not make clear the
peculiar energy exertion involved in this ancient art
of swinging.
It is my theory that if a swing with the dimensions
45'x68'x3" is set up around the vicinity of
Isthatabull a missile containing 40 nuclear
warheads can be flipped over to Coomow
noiselessly in 37 minutes and 45 seconds.
The cost of this operation will come to about $1.49
if it's a Thursday.
What's perhaps more important is that the other
side would'nt know what hit them. The missiles will
appear on their radar screen as flocks of Armenian
Geese in heat.
Yours truly,
Hugh Hoffner
Professor of Swingotology,
University   of   Bob   Carr.
With regard to your article on Newton, ("Fig Leaf
or People's Apple" Scientific Armenian, March). I
think you underestimated the contribution of this
man to our body of knowledge.
It must be remembered that before Newton didn't
know what Newton knew until Newton knew it.
After Newton we knew what Newton knew and
Newton knew what he knew we knew but we didn't
know if Newton knew more than we knew he knew.
Newton could have known more than Newton knew,
but maybe he didn't. We don't know what Newton
didn't know but we know what Newton knew and
Newton knew it too. If we know what Newton knew
and Newton knew what he knew and what Newton
didn't know, and we only know what we didn't know
but not what Newton didn't know, then Newton
knew more than we know. Amazing, isn't it?
Malgoe Mc Maybe
Professor of Newton Knowledge
(with tenure)
Wordsworth University
I would like to compliment Dr. J. R. Nosejob on
his absolutely brilliant article on the migration of
Armenian pigeons.
I have devoted a fair amount of my time to the
study of pigeons and specifically the species found
around the northern half of Armenia.
After years of relentless research, I've come to
the conclusion that Armenian pigeons migrate only
when Venus moves into conjunction with Aquarius,
making it the season of the Water Babies.
I hope Dr. Nosejob will continue his research in
this fascinating subject.
Thank you.
Annie Beach
DAVID SUZUKI ("Color Television-Induced
Radiation Mutations") should know — he is one. He
is a star of a Canadian television variety show
which he hosts, Science Magazine, and part-time
guest lecturer at the University of British Columbia, Vancouver, B.C., Canada. A rather boring and
esoteric geneticist and professor until a few years
ago, Suzuki grew his hair long, traded in his hornrimmed spectacles for funky wire-rimmed ones and
started smoking a lot of dope and generally hanging
loose and being cool.
In 1967 a Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
executive spotted Suzuki on a Ted Mack Amateur
Hour show and immediately signed him up for a
trial show on Telescope. "Gee, you know, I don't
like war," writes Suzuki. "I think it would be really,
really great if the whole world just relaxed and
smoked dope and talked about life and lay around
and enjoyed the scenery. It's my way of staying
sane, and it'd solve a lot of the world's problems
Teenage Wherewithal") is that talentless commercial artist who does all those perfectly awful
Breck-girl paintings that you find in Chatelaine and
Miss Chatelaine and Mademoiselle and all those
stupid "women's" magazines. He originally wanted
to be a fireman or an astronaut or the president of
the United States, but when he enlisted for the Air
Force in 1943 it was discovered he was homosexual
and so he went into interior decorating instead. He
worked in Seattle's Bon. Marche department store
from 1953 to 1961 when he managed to sell one of his
paintings to a friend in the advertising business. He
hasn't looked back since.
O'TELL. ("You'll Never Walk Again") are both
charlatans; Watson, whose brother Ron Plumb is a
former defenseman for the Vancouver Blazers of
the World Hockey Association, is professor of static
physics at Solid State University. (A standout in
college science, he broke into pro-science in 1965
and was named rookie of- the year by Science
magazine.) Since then he has authored a record 77
monographs and co-authored 84. He is the leading
writer in the National Science League's eastern
division this year with 14 authorships and 19 co-
authorships in only 22 issues. St. Regis O'Tell is at
235 East Hastings street, if you have to know.-
P. P. UHREN ("Poliomyelitis in Cannabis
Sativa") simply doesn't know what he's talking
Does Make A Difference") is that heroic, heroic
man who wrote all those apocalyptic masterpieces
about the Soviet prison system which he had to get
published in the underground Zamizdat (North
American distributors, Vanity Press, New York).
In 1974 Russian authorities put him on an airplane
and forced him to flee to Switzerland, where he's in
exile with his paltry millions which he has earned
from the publications of his books in the free-
thinking, liberal, West . . . millions those nasty
Soviets wouldn't let him have in Russia even though
he well deserved them. Some krap about to each
according to his needs or somesuch Communist
doubletalk. He now lives in Switzerland with his
wife (who, incidently, cooks a mean guacamole)
and two children and is working on a new book
condemning Soviet society for not throwing him
back in jail and thereby giving him material for a
new bestseller.
FRED HOYLE ("Through the Expensive Looking
Glass" and "How to Get Grants for Your Ob
servatory") is currently director of the Meccano
Company's "Astronomy for Kids" division. He is
also the inspiration behind NASA's ambitious
program to zip code the moon. He received his
bachelor's, master's and doctor's degrees in
astronomical physics from the little-known but
highly respected Easy Education University ("a
dollar buys a degree") in 1901, 1901 and 1901. Immediately afterward, he was employed by the
British government, doing research on the effect of
interstellar gamma rays on down-to-earth
marigolds, a project which continues to this day.
Never a man to confine himself to one field, Hoyle
has also dabbled in humor, giving rise to ,many of
the "in" jokes' currently in vogue among
astronomers. ("Here's looking at you." "Anybody
seen Mars?") Dr. Hoyle lives in the curious cosmic
backwater of Bien Fait, Saskatchewan.
SERGEI LEITMOTIF (A Thematic Approach to
Irrational Number Repetition Patterns") is head
mathematician at De Sade's Polytechnic Institute
for the Insane. He received his doctoral certification in mathematics at the Fingerless Man's
Institute at Digitless, California. Leitmotif created
a sensation during the height of the cold war with
his rubber band slingshot escape over the Berlin
wall in 1957.
"With mathematics, everything is possible," said
the three-armed Russian. "One is forced to remain
flexible and elastic in outlook."
After his escape, Leitmotif joined the Rand-
McNally Company where he designed the still-
controversial all-black topographical map of the
North Pole. He served briefly with the Bell
Telephone Co., resulting in the adoption by the
latter of the 37-hole dial. He then transferred to the
Sherman Tank Company, where he designed a tank
which could compute sums in the dark. Currently,
Leitmotif is appearing as a prime support of the
Granville Street bridge. A giant turtle shell may cause darkness
Why it gets dark at night has perplexed scientists for years but innovative new research has shed new light on this subject.
by Gripple Hubilzicakoff
ince the dawn of man, more ample proof that
scientists can't write their way out of an Erlen-
meyer flask, the question of why it gets dark at
night has been a subject of intense speculation
amoung laymen and scientists alike. And no one can
disagree with the fact that few natural events are of
more hardial importance to man than the coming of
night. Throughout recorded history, different
theories have been advanced the explain why it gets
dark at night. Over the past few centuries, the most
popular explanation for this phenomenon was that
the earth rotated around an axis like a top and that
the sun was blocked by the earth to those people on
the earth's night side. However, recent research at
the Armenian Research Science Establishment
(ARSE), has led to a somewhat different conclusion
on my part on the matter.
After years of sea research utlizing millions of
dollars of Armenia's national budget. ARSE
research on the nature of shadows has resulted in
major discoveries about precisely how the blanket
of darkness descends upon us every night.
We have found that the sun is almost the source of
light for the earth. The reason for the sky being blue
during the day has still not been solved, but now that
the problem of nighttime darkness has been, a
solution for this solution may not be too far off.
Shadows leave bright darkness in their paths,
wrote Arno Euellfederhalter in his De Rotundus in
1459, months of painstaking research produced few
if any grounds for agreement with this commonly
held opinion. Research with all forms of shadows
(i.e., emanatingfrom different sources of light and
different sources of shadows) with light metres and
other similar instruments revealed that there is
significantly less light in the path of shadows than
outside the path of shadows, with the amount of
difference depending on the nature of the light
source and shadow source.
A curious relationship was noted between the
difference in the amount of light in lighted and
shaded areas and the difference in the amount of
light present during the daytime hours and the
nighttime hours. This then led to investigation of the
possibility that nighttime darkness is the result of
bright shadows.  The  most  immediate question
which came to mind was: what would be the source
of these shadows? It was suggested by an archeologist in our group that we investigate ancient
Egyptian theories that the universe was like a table
supported on by and for legs from which hung the
sun, moon, planets, and stars; or even more ancient
theories that the universe was supported on a giant
tortoise shell. After some thought on the subject, we
came to the conclusion that the ancients' theories
were closer to reality than had previously been
suspected. With thorough scientific methods of
experimentation and inquiry, a theory was eventually developed.
There is no doubt that there are certain flaws in
these ancient theories, all of which have been well
documented. But experiments have shown that
when a man is spun around an axis, he soon
becomes very dizzy. Certainly, if there was any
credibility to the rotation theory, then most humans
(and other animals for that matter) would be very
dizzy indeed. If the earth rotated around its axis,
then aircraft and birds, once free of the earth's
surface, would be able to make one circuit of the
earth's surface in a westward drift (or so it would
appear from the surface) in 24 hours. With this
evidence, there need not be any further discussion
of this ridiculous theory with which a gullible public
has been bamboozled for centuries.
It has been suggested that the tortoise shell theory
would make sense, if the tortoise shell were the
source of shade for the nighttime darkness as opposed to the ancient theory that the tortoise shell
supported the universe.
There was much dissension about the theory when
it was first proposed, however, once modern
methods of scientific enquiry were brought into
play, the scientists of ARSE worked together to
produce a workable, coherent theory. The main
questions raised about the theory regarded celestial
objects that appear in the sky, such as the moon,
stars, etc. Immediately, several members of the
ARSE research staff suggested that the answer
might lie in the earth's atmosphere. Research by
ARSE and earlier scientists show that the atmosphere has many reflective qualities. A theory
was then arrived at; which holds that the stars
derive from reflection of solar light off the earth's
oceans and atmosphere. We have not investigated
thoroughly the matter of the sun and the moon.
However, we believe that the current theory does
have some plausibility in this regard. The fact that
the moon's orbit is enclosed inside this massive
"shell" shows what a massive deficiency in
scientific knowledge has existed to date. We can
only conclude that scientists have devised theories
with public acceptance in mind rather than
scientific fact.
Examination of the "shell" which shrouds the
earth in darkness every night by the Armenian
Scientific Survey (ASS) shows that this shell is
extremely thin yet uneven, which explains ab-
berations in the motion of the moon and some of the
stars. The fact that the motion and formation of the
stars remain constant indicates that our atmosphere retains some constant properties. We
have deduced that the shell is very thin because of
its small gravitational influence on nearby celestial
objects. As for the earth itself, we believe that is pie
shaped. The "surface" is curved much like the top
of a pie. Photos by astronauts which "prove" that
the earth is round, are merely shot directly above
the topside of the earth. Photos of a "crescent
earth", however, should be studied more carefully
because these photos could be man's first view of
the earth's underside. Voyages to the earth's edge
have become the best-kept secret in history, and
members of ARSE have been unable to travel to the
edges of the earth, which lie in the Pacific Ocean.
But we feel our most important discovery in this
study, the most extensive in the history of ARSE, is
the "tortoise shell" which shades the earth at night.
Work is already under way at ARSE to determine
the exact size and motion of this gigantic shell,
which will result in understanding of why the length
of the day on earth varies greatly over the year. It is
our hope that the publication of the results of our
work will lead to a worldwide scientific effort to-
answer some of the questions raised by our new
theories. We believe that this new theory represents
a victory for scientific truth over the cheap, shoddy,
public relations ploys utilized by scientists
throughout the ages.
by Johnston Masters
Great advances have been made in expanding the
parameters of procreational interaction. Extended
research has been made on a number of fronts as
well as in certain anterior areas, the latter
especially in Greece.
Many of the experiments have been conducted
using simple devices and paraphernalia which can
easily be obtained by the amateur scientist, who can
gain great knowledge, interest, even excitement,
from duplicating the research. In at least one case,
in fact — that of Onanistic manipulation — more
than the amateur scientist's own corpus is required.
However, generally speaking, at least two corpi are
It should be noted that some controversy has
arisen over research into procreational interaction,
particularly in some Catholic countries. However,
no dedicated amateur scientist will ever accede to
pressure from non-secular sources blinded by faith
who ilfogically equate procreational interaction
with amorous emotion-set exchange.
There is also some controversy within the
scientific community over whether procreational
interaction, or PI, should be more correctly called
potential procreational interaction, or PPI, since
the PI system is not always successful in producing
an end-product.
However, we considei this a case of splitting
hairs, or, more exactly, splitting a hair PI. Ha ha.
Just a little joke between scientists. At any rate, my
editor says we must get on with it. I told him the
whole article is about getting it on, but he is a bit of a
humorless fellow.
Now the most-favored area of PI research, of
course, has traditionally been undertaken in the so-
called underdeveloped countries. (This term is a
misnomer. Statistics show the populace of these
countries are no less developed than any other. And
they certainly beat the French). These countries
have long been served by missionaries who, while
quite unscientific in method, were early pioneers in
developing the Missionary Mode of procreational
The Missionary Mode generally involves placing
the dominant procreational unit atop the submissive unit and infusing the greater part of the
energy into the latter. However, recent technology
has allowed researchers to strap positive-pole
magnetic discs to the backs of each unit and place
them in a room with magnetized ceiling and floor,
also positively polarized. The conflict of magnetic
repulsions causes the two units, joined together with
various inherent appendages, to be suspended in
mid-air. This permits full utilization of the un-
dulatory potential of the submissive unit without
prejudicing that of the dominant unit.
Other variations involving ropes or chains, in
which the units are slung from the ceiling by their
pedal appendances or from their shoulders, have
generally been rejected. While these systems
produce a similar effect to the magnetic system,
most researchers say the physical stress factor
undergone by the units has a negative impact,
sometimes causing a malfunction in the dominant
But it is in improvement of performance that the
latest research has particularly excelled. One
development that through hindsight seems an obvious and overdue advance is the use of electric
shock to maximize performance potential. Many
readers will remember the Sicilian machine-
gunning scene in the 1970's movie The Godfather.
The actors, unable to imitate the jerking and
twitching of the body produced by machine-gun fire,
were rigged with electrodes which sent a rapid
series of electric shocks through their bodies and
produced the required twitching.
A similar system has been employed at Moribund
University in Medicine Hat, Alta. to dramatically
increase PI performance. Electrodes are installed
in the lower back of each unit and concurrent
electric shocks are administered to each unit at 1.1-
second intervals until the final moments of PI when
they are stepped up to .05-second intervals.
The resulting increase in PI force and precision
makes the complete process a more satisfying and
efficient one. It becomes doubly effective when
combined with the earlier-mentioned Magnetized
Missionary Mode.
There is another variety of PI, actually utilized in
most cases before PI proper, known to the scientific
community as SM. In this area as with others,
science continues on the march. SMPI involves the
use of snap-action skin-tinglers, wooden discipline
tools and often ropes or chains.
Technologists studying the history of the Spanish
Inquisition have created a wide variety of new
devices to enhance the effectiveness of SMPI, including an electric discipline machine with rotating
paddles, a snap-action electric tingler — in which
the unit stands or lays surrounded by five whips
automatically cracking — and a portable bed of hot
coals. Science has also expanded the range of the
SMPI system: now available is an electric sheath
which heats to 180 degrees F. during PI proper.
Not to be forgotten also are the developments in
the realms of Onanistic manipulation — a cow-
milking machine has been adapted — and of Mode
69. To increase the effectiveness of the latter,
researchers have developed a silicone-based injection that will extend the length of the tongue by
some five inches.
All amateur scientists should be able to recreate
this research in his own home or university.
However, before experimenting they should ensure
that the liquid in their test tubes has been
neutralized. Established 1945
April 1984
Volume 435
Number 3
The Frisbee enters the Nuclear Age
Careful research and study of the simple, yet unobtrusively
complex, Armenian frisbee has produced an awesome addition to
Armenia's nuclear arsenal. The author describes some of the
more interesting developments as well as projected projects.
■ %,.ecent developments in aerodynamics have
completely altered the strategic balance among
nations. A dedicated group of engineering
physicists in Armenia have made a break-through
in the study of phase resonances of modified free
flight frisbees. The implications of their study has
widespread implications for the arms race.
The first really major military application of
these studies has been a research project that has
culminated in the successful test-flight of a frisbee
with atomic propulsion (FWAP). The FWAP
system makes possible truly long range tactical
strikes by a fleet of armed frisbees. Anyone with a
practical knowledge of frisbees will be quite aware
that their unique manoeuvrability would give them
TRAJECTORY IS PLOTTED on Pullman scale of the
FWAP model J.V. First tested by Armenian engineers
and now looked upon as a possible answer to the
DEW-Line, the FWAP is shown as reading 60 feet in
Atlanta, 50 feet in Mongrovia, 45 in Upper Volta, 57 in
Puerto Vallerta and Acapulco (simultaneously), 62 in
Addis Ababa, 5 in Tono-Bungay and 2 in Saudi Arabia,
where King Faisal ran interference.
an   immense   advantage   over   any   attempted
Current research is directed toward achieving
capabilities for a laser-armed flying frisbee (the
LAFF weapon). Major research obstacles are involved in developing a targeting system for the
laser. As of this moment the problem seems insurmountable because a rim-mounted laser has a
tendency to rotate as the entire frisbee rotates. The
research team, I. MacTaggart-Cowan, P. Larkin,
and G. Volkoff, is convinced that this problem can
be overcome when sufficient funding is realized.
A projected weapon system is the frisbee loaded
with atomic bombs (the FLAB). There is a three-
pronged approach in developing the FLAB. One is to
carry the bomb on a sling beneath the frisbee and
cut it loose over the target. Another approacfi, and
technologically more feasible,, is to carry the bomb
on top of the frisbee and simply tip it over to release
the weapon. The approach that is receiving the most
attention, and funding will develop a catapult
launching system that will fling the bomb from
frisbee to target.
Needless to say, the potential of a FLAB weapon
system will revolutionize nuclear warfare strategy.
A co-ordinated attack by a fleet of frisbees will be
able to pin-point targets and weave their way
among the defenses of the enemy until they are in
position to hurl their bombs on the targeted area.
Aside from the sheer physical destruction of the
bombs, the sight of a fleet of giant frisbees moving
in a precision formation would mimic an attack by
flying saucers. Thus the populace would be thrown
into a state of frenzy by this psychological weapon.
A populace so demoralized would lend itself to
defeat by any army contingent which has been
suitably uniformed as aliens from space.
The FWAP, FLAB, and LAFF have thrown the
defense policies study committees of all the major
powers, into a frenzy. The unexpectedness of this
new weapons system has caught them unprepared
with contingency plans. A flurry of research grants
have been sent out to the various universities to
develop the necessary warfare scenarios.
The crucial break-through that has made this new
weaponry possible is the discovery of bi-stability in
the phase resonances of modified free flight
frisbees. This Divinsky duo-effect creates a hyper-
stability in the air flow around the rim of the
frisbee, and thereby attenuates flow-induced instabilities in the frisbee. The surprising aspect of
this phenomenon is that it manifests itself only
during the modified free flight phase. Unmodified
free flight is the normal experience that one has
with a recreational model frisbee.
N. Divinsky has discovered that the equations for
residential instability in rotated solids admit a
solution of remarkable integrity if the variables are
treated as the imaginary exponents in the Creek
equations. Divinsky has named his solution the
"False Creek residence value". When these values
are realized the frisbee shifts radically from its
unmodified normal flight characteristics to its
secondary stable mode.
The completion of a working model of a phase
resonating modified free flight frisbee was
dependent upon finding a molecule or an alloy that
had the physical properties demanded by the
Divinsky equations. Researchers had to deal with
the "student effect" that characterizes the great
majority of all materials that have properties that
lie in the range demanded by the equations. The
student effect expresses itself by the sudden
collapse of inner stability of the solid as it approaches a speed at which hyperstability would
manifest itself. It goes without saying that this
phenomenon was extremely disappointing.
A solution was found by irradiating; the frisbee
with large doses of alpha particles. The immersion
of various substances in these baths of alpha particles was discovered to cause deep-lying structural
deformations which altered the False Creek
residence values. (See table A.) A statistical survey
reveals a latent phase in all materials at which high
levels of radiation raise the residence values. The
resonance of materials with high residences is
highly stable, and as a necessary consequence, the
frisbee's flight becomes unusually stable.
The nuclear propulsion system for a frisbee
demands a high degree of technological innovation.
What is required is a truly compact nuclear power
plant that can provide lift for the aerodynamical foil
without affecting its internal stability. The Gum-
bert-Gunderson process met all the design
specifications for such a nuclear engine.
The Gumbert-Gunderson process nuclear reactor
propulsion system works on the principle of inflected plasma flow. The nuclear core generates a
plasma flow that is directed by magneto-
hydrodynamic guidance coils into the engine
proper. Here the plasma is induced to spin by the
Botsnelnikov magnetic bottle technique. As the
fluid rotates it deflects the inner airfoils which by
standard aerodynamic principles provides a lift for
the frisbee. (A schematic drawing is provided in
table B.)
A modification of the Gumbert-Gunderson
process has recently been announced by Geasley
and Gasking. Their prototype, the Gumbert-
Gunderson-Geasley-Gasking nuclear reactor
propulsion system has so far proved to be of too
unwieldy a size to be useful. The authors have
received a communication from Professor B.
Littler who has proposed a radical technique for
reducing the size of the Gumbert-Gunderson-
Geasley-Gasking propulsion system. It is still too
early to tell if these lines of research will truly prove
10% BATH
30% BATH
55% BATH
84% BATH
ABOVE, IMPORTANT FALSE CREEK residence values are shown in most
significant percentages. When these values are realized, frisbee (below) shifts
radically from its normal flight characteristics to its secondary stable mode. In
Table B, frisbee works on principle of inflected plasma flow and thus has
widespread implications for the arms race.
TABLE B Zucchini Mushrooms into New Breed
Now Armenian marketeers are learning how to make best use of a
long dormant product by effectively developing a system where
training in the martial arts yields a vicious watch zucchini.
by Nadine Hormone
.In 1930 zucchinis were harvested from two
dozen acres of farmland in Armenia and the crop
amounted to about 72 pounds. Last year 56 acres
were in zucchini and the harvest is expected to be
140,000 pounds. The importance on the import and
export markets of the zucchini has risen from insignificant to negligible.
The biggest drawback marketers of the zucchini
faced was the limited use of the product. All that
could be done was eat it, although there were
rumors that it performed certain obscene functions
at engineers' smokers. Very few Armenians bought
it because of its pugnant taste.
However experiments by behavioral psychologist
V. K. Skinnerian of Alphalpha University of Armenia have found a valuable new use for zucchini.
Skinnerian has been working on the development of
a giant watch zucchini.
Skinnerian's research, funded by an Armenian
Council grant, has already produced valuable
results. First he has been able to corner the Armenian zucchini market, in fact has required so
many zucchini for his research that the Zucchini
Marketing Board has raised quotas in all regions.
Secondly, Skinnerian's research has produced a
much larger zucchini than normal; this enables the
farmers to grow more pounds per acre. Thirdly, the
research has forced Alphalpha U to grant Skinnerian tenure.
Skinnerian's early research involved finding an
adequate, reliable method of determining the I.Q. of
zucchini. "I found they were very sensitive, they got
quite hurt when they got a question wrong. The only
way I could get any one zucchini to finish a particular test was to ask only very easy questions,"
Skinnerian said.
HORMONE TEACHES sensitive zucchini to protect
Armenian homes. The vegetables are known for their
loyalty and latent viciousness. Zucchinis also make
charming company and do not need to be house
12:30 P.M.
a CBC production
GBU 690
Lis early work found that zucchinis were highly
Early in his initial phase of his research Skinnerian discovered the great loyalty that a zucchini
holds toward its owner. "I would come into the lab
in the mornings and they would all nuzzle me from
their cages. At night when I left they would cry.
During the day they sort of follow me all over the
lab. It is quite moving," Skinnerian said.
"One night about six years ago someone broke
into the lab. It was real mess the next morning. The
zucchinis had defended the lab as best they could,
but being of the average size of only six inches or so
they took a hell of a beating before they subdued the
"Dozens of them had been squashed to death and
dozens more were so badly hurt that the only
humane thing to do was to put them to sleep.
"I concluded that the zucchinis had two big
downfalls when it came to protecting property; they
were too small, and they were not trained in the
martial arts," said Skinnerian.
During the Great Patriotic War, Armenian farmers had been hard hit by the Romanian shit
boycott. Without the normal source of imported
fertilizer they had to make do with the more
abundant but less refined domestic shit. However
the Armenian intelligentsia rose to the occasion by
perfecting the kryptonian shit refining process.
The results on Armenian agriculture were
dramatic. Production increased dramatically.
Skinnerian applied a modified form of this
technique to his zucchinis. The results Were slow but
steady. Today the average Armenian zucchini is
over two feet long and weighs 15 pounds. Skinnerian
believes this is almost right.
By capitalizing on the intense loyalty and innate
viciousness of the zucchini Skinnerian found it
possible to train the zucchinis in the ancient martial
art Tai Kwon Zuke.
"Last week our prize zucchini, Melvin, was
awarded a black belt. We are really enthusiastic.
We should have a marketable watch zucchini in less
than a year.
"The only hitches left are training them to put the
handcuffs on the suspect after they subdue him, and
getting them to phone the police," said Skinnerian.
The economic benefits of such a product are
endless, watch zucchinis may soon be the standard
for all Armenian homes and industry. They are easy
to keep clean, being plants they don't need to be
house trained and they make pleasant company. An
entire new sector of the economy may be opened up
by V. K. Skinnerian and his zucchinis.
Friday - 7:30 P.M. - CBC-AM 690 KC
Saturday - 11:30 A.M. -CBC-FM 105.7 MC
To help  UBC students find accommodation, there is a listing service whereby
landlords telephone in their accommodation, and the notices are posted in the
Student Union Building.
If you know any landlords (whether or not they have vacancies now) please cut
out the square below for them to keep as a reminder to list vacancies throughout
the year.
Before you leave for the summer, please make sure your landlord is aware of the
listing service number. Thank-you.
To list accommodation for a
UBC student or family,
j UBC Housing
I Administration
I I Screaming pussy leads to B mutation
Genetic mutation has long been a concern of Armenian scientists
but now it appears they have reached perfection in recent tests.
Complex molecule equation yields strange result
by Robert Boner
,t was the Armenian alchemist Dreyfus Fyandor
(1703-1709) who first hypothesized during the
dissection of a still-shrieking pussycat, that
genetically humble species suddenly endowed with
cerebral cells and a well-oiled political machine
tend in succeeding generations to grow sideburns
and learn to play the Hammond organ.
"It cannot be denied," wrote Fyandor, "that
explaining every great evolutionary phenomena is
directly related to whether the scientist inventing it
got a piece of whoopee the night before. But
although I do cut holes in the occasional sleeping
vagrant I still content upward mobility, among the
higher primates and that horrible yucky stuff I
sometimes get at the back of my throat, helps to
ensure those species' survival and almost
guarantees their chances of getting substantial tax
Although eventually rejected by an Armenian
court of law as evidence Fyandor was bonkers when
he invented smallpox, the Fyandorian theory of
genetic mutation has been resurrected with startling new research.
Genetic analysis, through which the hereditary
material's structure and its relationship with the
functions of cells and organisms are revealed in
great detail and with high resolution by the manner
in which various characteristics are passed on from
one generation to the next, was pioneered through
sexual breeding — accomplished easily enough by
prodding still-shrieking female pussycats with the
throbbing member of the fruit fly, Drosophilia
First exploited for the genetic analysis of bacteria
and viruses as well as a few laughs, alternatives to
sexual breeding have recently been developed for
analysis of ear wax and man. The new procedure
stems from the observation that somatic cells do not
squeal when you pinch* them, whereas eggs and
sperm have a tendency to secure posts in shadow
cabinets. Also of primary importance is that genetic
material can be altered by many different environmental agents, including x-rays, ultra violet
radiation and creamed corn.
The new procedure, then, provides in ideal conditions opportunities for biologists to tamper with
nature and go into town after work and get laid
without having to wear latex plugs in their nostrils
or condoms on their ears or spend two fucking
weeks in quarantine. More importantly, it allows a
first-hand glimpse of how somatic cells cross to
form hybrid cells that live and grow into brand new
species like a cross between a gopher and a herd of
Aberdeen Angus (I don't know what to call it, but
it's wrecking my front lawn).
dealing with a technical — but no less
blasphemous — form of bestiality, it is obvious the
conditions best suited for would be the Elks' Club or
Holiday Inn. But if both are booked up with a
province-wide Independent Order of Sheepherders
convention, Kelowna will do. Mixing together
cultures of a dozen kinds of scrotal cancer found in
food scraps lying outside several well-known
Kelowna pancake houses, it can be observed that
the winner of the 12-strain, over-the-top-of-the-petri-
dish battle royal has in fact smuggled a bazooka
into the smear and vaporized every microbe within
a two-yard radius.
Nevertheless, such setbacks do support the
Fyandorian axiom stating hybrids almost invariably display a marked contempt for the
Marquis of Queensbury. But the question remains
whether higher life forms display measurably
different qualities in succeeding generations due to
the long-term effects of steadily-increasing
mutagenics in flatware and aerosol cheese snacks.
An answer to the question is at best elusive even
today because of the near-impossibility of finding
an ownerless fetus or even a compliant vacuum-
cleaner bag. But an alternative analysis is ac-
B Mutation
ISOGENERIC MOLECULAR structure compsing B Mutation, display definite primordial characteristics. Coupled with
pussy excretions the three basic elements cause strange results. Element one was first isolated by Fynador shortly after
his death. This breakthrough led to the creation of element two. Its basic component is ear wax. Maple syrup, excreted
from Kelowna pancakes, makes up. the remainder of this complex element. Element three, the key to this inspiring
equation contains definite characteristics of double knit fabric. It is held, rather tenaciously, together with monosodium
glutamate. The result is remarkable.
cessible in simple Muller compound tests on
available adults.
The subjects' mouth scrapings and urine samples, retrieved carefully from the lab floor, are
placed in a zinc bucket and covered with a thin layer
of Muller solution (roughly a two-to-one mixture of
Vaseline and Mr. Pibb) and incubated for a period
of one hour and 40 minutes. Each subject is offered
chairmanship of a panel discussion on Free Enterprise : Boon or Blessing? in Harrison Hot Springs
in return for drinking the contents of the bucket.
Invariably, one of the subjects drinks the compound; in the Kelowna experiment, they all did. But
most unique among the group was a subject who
suddenly began to hallucinate and claim that both
Fatty Arbuckle and Horatio Alger had been framed
and it wouldn't have happened if Les Bewley had
been on the bench.
Subject B., upon subsequent examination,
demonstrated several unmistakeably mutated
physical qualities — tanned but malleable facial
tissue, lace-up white bucks which indicated his
obvious lack of an opposable thumb, Arrow shirt
and Fortrel suit inextricably merged with his skin
cells. It was clear, however, that this was not the
work of genetic mutation but a gynecologist with a
twisted sense of humor. Clearly a monument to
generations of incest, subject B. displayed extreme
reticence in undergoing relatively simple motor
response and reflex tests including toes-touching
(below average), opening the door (average),
scaring the swells (above average), skirting the
issues (above average) and buttonholing
Easily identifiable as a vertebrate mollusk, he
was revealed upon more specific examination to
contain chromasomal properties commonly
recognized amonggeneticists as either saltpeter or
monosodium glutamate. Further checks on subject
B.'s credit rating and family background reinforced
conclusions that he was not the product of sexual
This was, however, not conclusive, documented
evidence that the subject was in fact a result of any
alternative to sexual breeding, despite a sworn
affidavit from his older sibling — a successful horse
breeder — stating subject B. was conceived in his
parents' dry goods store behind a rack of O-Cedar
mops when a customer spilled some chocolate Ex-
lax and a bottle of strawberry douche on a semen-
stained piece of lingerie. Nor was there any
evidence, despite a strong fundamentalist religious
background, to support theories of the subjects
sudden, spontaneous generation; indeed, any such
suspicions of spontaneity were effectively dispelled
with his periodic glances at a typewritten script
sewn to his jacket lining.
What subject B.'s genetic history did support was
theologian Hunsper Hunsper's 1934 Armenian
Master Race theory — "that sexual congress as we
know it was not invented until 1921."
In its place, Hunsper continued, existed a
biological vacuum that excessive drinking and big
game hunting could not fill, but which also allowed
the evolution of excrement from an inert lump to a
major art form. It was when mud puddles had
reached a high enough level of intelligence to
translate Goethe into Cantonese that the day of
atonement came for the many sins committed for
eons in the name of Gabriel D'Annunzio, and the
only survivors that crawled out of the consequent
mile-deep ocean of hot Quaker Oats were a new race
of invincible, stolid Armenian stock.
Bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the dark-
haired, Mediterranean-featured Armenians,
subject B. nevertheless appeared to understand the
principles of the Hunsperian theory, but later admitted he had confused the country with Arminius
(the latinized version of Hermanson) the Dutch
theologian best known for opposing the Calvinistic
doctrine of predestination with the Arminian
doctrine of free will.
Hermanson, who died in 1609 but Still teaches high
school and has an up-to-date membership in the
Unity Party, defined cell mutations "as one of those
ways Mother Nature uses to tell you you're using too
much vaginal spray." Fiom page 4
school public speaking technique, while clutching old friends around the
neck one minute, then shouting at Rushton the next. Confiding with
father-figure, Dodd that she has what she wants, a quiet peaceful
existence and a satisfying life she took off her shoe and threw it at
Ex-patriate Ryon Guedes, for the past 15 years_esconsed on the
South Bank, nursing ever a bottle of vintage Chivas Reqal, showed his
incapacity to contain early on, throws up ingloriously and is ushered
from the hall by medical attendants.
Stringing together adjectives that brought back bad memories, Eric
Ivan Berg bopped about, recording clips to use on six to 12 spot on
CHWK, "Armed Forces Radio", in Chilliwack.
The face is lined, but the flowing hair and prominent glasses (setting
off the Bruce Cockburn image) made Bruce Woodburn readily
identifiable as he discussed commune affairs and nature walks. Ah, but
the years create chasms. "Feely" muttered the more hardened of the
"Feely" they repeated, cringing and keeping their distance from
Standing on the stage, professionally aloof from the proceedings,
Peter Cummings directed a film for his management consultant firm,
trying to cash in on the 60s nostalgia craze. "There's gold in smoke and
beads," he screamed, beret falling off as he waved at camera three.
Owl-like   in   appearance   Geoff   Hancock,   an   obscure   but   powerful •
literary editor, paraded around the room -in peacock-like regalia, passing
out copies of his publications which were quickly and  not so discreetly
dropped to the floor.
Stuart Lyster slid from conversation to conversation in his
metallic-toned green three-piece suit, hair slung back in Einstein fashion,
chalk dust on his pants, a silly smile plastered on his face.
Svelte Chris Gainor, firm jaw line evident to all, still hadn't
outgrown his habit of wearing ridiculous hats. Judging by grimaces
resulting when he talks, his puns were as bad as ever as well.
Having flown in from Japan, Barry Jensen was seen gliding through
the throng tying to sell transistors and enquiring about resource deals,
his faithful maroon cardigan clinging to his back.
Patting the perm on her flossed red locks Sheila Bannerman smiled
uncertainly at those amassed, as usual rarely saying a word, but ever so
often checking "on her ski bindings from habit before dashing out to get
the phone.
Hair cropped close, slightly falling over ears, tailored in blazer with
school crest, quietly stylish Cedric Tetzel attracted attention as he began
gesticulating wildly and talking louder with every drink, his
usually-impeccable Oxford accept quickly becoming a Brooklyn slur.
"It's all those trips back east looking over newt, camera equipment.
Lensophobia," he explained, spilling a rye and ginger on his shirt.
But Jake van der Kamp, eyes ablaze like a Van Gogh sun, slapped
Tetzel on the back, laughed heartily told him "not to matter, we all
have our bad days". "Interested in Christian socialism at all Cedric?" van
der Kamp slyly asked, fondling his silver streaked gotee with measured
Van der Kamp had sat orr a table-edge most of the night, before being
booed from the hall, moving only when pigeon-holed by flashy Dan Miller.
Miller, 39, but appearing 26 with his carefully coiffed looks and
personality, got into the punch too much too early and spent the latter
part of the evening unconsciously disproving the personality control
technique he had been noisily advocating the hours before.
Hovering around the edges for lack of space in the hall (and in this
masthead) were the minor wood nymphs and hangers-on of the featured
Curly-haired Joyce Jackman, scandal-mongering Arnie Banham,
drama-freak Steve Morris, impish Ian Metherall, poet, and letter writer
Pat McKitrick, redoubtable Paul Dunning, starry-eyed Nancy Southam,
Joanne "Cobalt Blue, El Topo and me "Gilbert, chubby but loveable
Ricky Lymer, enigmatic Susan Cardinal, reflective Gary Lenney,
ever-vested Rory Munro, third-world activist Terry Donaldson, John
"Pepsodent smile" Sprague.
Organization man Ben Durrutti, unassuming Jenine McMartin, the
good humor boys Ross Harvey and Cam Beck, mysterious John
DeAngeli, unspellable Ted Krzeminski, dark room wizards Sucha Singh
and Andrew Shearon, classical music buffs Nick Fairbank and Andre
Pardis, Pat "Mr. Concise" Angly, last-minute helper Tom Rossiter,
even-tempered Gordon Roback, the tamed Rasputin, Bernard Bischoff,
^   and a jolly host of others too unmentionable to name.  .
at the
Campus Centre
6:00 p.m.
7:30 p.m.
Tennebrae Service'
11:00 p.m.
Easter Vigil
9:30 Easter Breakfast
10:30 Easter Worship
You are invited to attend any or all of these events. If
you wish information please call the centre at 224-1614.
These   events   are   sponsored   by   Lutheran   Campus
Election of
Five Full-time Students
to Serve On Senate
as Representatives of
the Student Body at Large
The following nominations have been received:
COLE, COLM P. (4th Year Science)
DeROOY,  JOHAN P. (4th Year Education)
FRANCIS, ARLENE J. (3rd Year Arts)
HEENAN, RICHARD G. (3rd Year Physical Education)
KRASSELT, BRIAN A. (3rd Year Science)
MACKAY, DOUGLAS B   (4th Year Arts)
MATHERS, W. MICHAEL (1st Year Law)
MOORE, GARY R   (3rd Year Commerce
and Business Administration)
WILSON, D. BRUCE (3rd Year Arts)
Thursday, March 27, 1975
10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
(Students will vote in their own constituencies only)
Agricultural Sciences — MacMillan Building
Applied Science — Civil Engineering
 (including Architecture and Nursing)
Arts — Buchanan Building
 (including Home Economics, Librarianship and Social Work)
Commerce and Business Administration — Angus Building
Dentistry — Macdonald Building
Education — Scarfe Building
 —including Physical Education and Recreation)
Forestry — MacMillan Building
Graduate Studies — Graduate Student Centre
Law — Mary Bollert Building
Medicine — I.R.C. Building
 (including Rehabilitation Medicine)
Pharmaceutical Sciences — I.R.C. Building
Science — Chemistry
Unclassified and Qualifying — Main Library
(N.B. only full-time students are eligible to participate in this election, i.e.
undergraduates taking at least 12 units (or the equivalent) of courses; all doctoral
students; and all other students registered in the Faculty of Graduate Studies taking
at least six units. It is for this reason that is is necessary to have students vote only in
their own constituencies where their names can be checked off on the voters' list.)
10 Significant new drug research
ince the mad escapades of such loonies and
dangerous criminals as Timothy Leary, Allen
Ginsberg and Peter Noone (of Herman's Hermits)
during the mid-sixties, nearly $6.8 billion — equal to
the gross national product of West Germany — has
been spent in this country on cannabis research. In
that period, over 4,550 papers and articles have
appeared on the subject in scientific journals, an
average of almost 10 a week. But despite all this
research, we know as little about the mysterious
little plant as ever.
Why? Who gives a shit? After all, as long as there -
are governments and silly groups of concerned
citizens who are foolish enough to pour their bucks
into giving a lot of otherwise useless and stupid
scientists something to do in between filling out
crosswords, and giving a lot of hippies a lot of free
and high-quality dope, there'll be people wise
enough to go to the trouble to apply for this money
and later come out with a silly article like this one to
"justify" the money spent on the "research."
Last October, we here decided to do the same
thing. And no less than the federal government
came through with the necessary bucks and lots of
really dynamite dope. What follows is the "report"
on our experiment. By an 8-6 vote, the research
team decided to hand in a report on marijuana that
stated that further research would be needed to
reach any definite conclusions about the stuff.
Needless to say, we're once again applying for
grants and hope to move into the ludicrous -er,
lucrative cocaine research field, which has hardly
been tapped yet.
In our study we selected 450 subjects at random
from a population of college students for our experiments.   These  included  229 -males   and   221
females, ranging in age from  17 to 29. Socioeconomic backgrounds covered all areas of society;
by Reefer O'Leary
there were 344 whites and 1.06 blacks; of the 106
blacks, 50 were males and 56 were females.
Seventy-four blacks traced their ancestral origins
south of the Mason-Dixon line; 22 were northerners,
and 10 wrote "none of your fucking business,
honky" in the blank provided in the form. Of the 344
whites, 79 traced their ancestry back to the
Mayflower, 63 to the revolution and 42 claimed to
have been direct descendents: of their grandparents.
Ethnic backgrounds among the whites were as
follows: Jewish, 38 per cent; German, 19 per cent;
Dutch, 12 per cent; Japanese or Chinese, 4 per cent.
These were included despite the findings of
Nedomansky and Farda (Amateur Gynecologist,
Gala Holiday Issue, December-January, 1973-4). All
other groups including Greeks, made up 27 per cent.
Their breakdown by family and personal income
was as follows: living with parents, 56 per cent;
living alone or with peers, 44 per cent. Of the first
group, 6 per cent reported family income of over
$20,000; 94 per cent were included in "don't know."
Of those living with leers or alone, 2 per cent
claimed income of over $2,000 per annum; 46 per
cent reported no income at all, but we concluded
these people were lying. Twenty-eight per cent
admitted having smoked marijuana in the past,, 14
per cent said they hadn't, and 7 per cent took the
fifth amendment, and the rest wrote, "Could you
repeat the question?"
After seven days, severe weight loss was reported
among members of control group A. However, this
can be attributed to the fact that it was an average
weight loss and the gross weight loss was due to the
-fact that the hotel refused to admit the 34 blacks in
the group who consequently went berserk and raped
and killed the entire hotel staff and furniture.
Members of this group showed signs of irritation,
especially when they were told the bar would close
when the stage show began, and that attendance to
the Shecky Greene was compulsory.
Group 2 all claimed to be really high all the time
and said they really dug the experiment, for which
they were getting top union scale, of $6.87 hr. Many
reported "really having got their shit together" and
"having a really fine time." Most reported
enhanced enjoyment of sex and less stress. Their
health improved noticeably, but there were also
drawbacks. When mixed with alcohol consumption,
people in the .placebo group reported getting
"drunk." It was also reported that people "high" on
the placebo showed less skill at driving and picking
their noses and walking simultaneously.
The most surprising results were to be found in
group 9. Although several people in the group
showed signs of definite paranoia ("I was burned,
man, badly burned," one subject told an experiment researcher before he stabbed him in the
neck, "and you gonna pay, mothafucka!") This
group reported four murders in the first week, 26
strongarmingSj 19 thefts and even one extortion
At this point the experimenters gave up. "Fuck,,
this is silly," they told me. "You aren't paying us
enough and the jokes are bad and we're getting
I had to agree with them. I must have well over 20
inches on this pig by now, I thought, and I think I'll
wind this up. I mean, what is so fucking funny about
dope research? If you've read this far, you must be
very perservering. We've found it very difficult to
make fun of such a silly rag like Scientific American
and let's face it, you can only make so many jokes
about Erlenmeyer flasks and hot retorts.
Want me to tell you a*2few jokes? Well, this
geneticist, you see, he had this thing about this neat
little number working down in the cyclotron. So one
day. the geneticist says — oh, you heard that one,
From rags to riches, laziness
breeds need for luxury games.
by Nate Davidiwits
we get richer and richer while leading the rest
of the world in our intellectual, technological and
industrial pursuits, we are also getting fatter and
lazier as our labor-saving devices take more and
more of the strain.
So what better way to continue to cleanse and
enlighten our minds than to throw in a little physical
exercise as well? And, in these days of sexual
freedom and enlightenment, why not add a little
something to give the libido a break?
With this in mind, we will this month take another
look at two of mankind's oldest games and combine
them — hopscotch and strip poker, or strip hopscotch.
Diagram 1 shows the basic layout of the game.
Any even number from two on up can play the
game. (You could play it with odd numbers of
participants, but not in this magazine.)
Hopscotch is not a complicated game. You
probably noticed those children with obvious
learning deficiencies playing it when you were a
child. But in this game, it is played with a twist —
instead of mindlessly leaping from one numbered
square to another, the players fill each square with
one of their favorite mathematical equations,
leaving out the answer, of course.
Having done this, each player stands at the start
of his or her hopscotch diagram and begins to hop
from one square to another following the sequence
in diagram one. For those equations where the
answer is an odd number, the square must be
landed on with the left foot; even numbers, the right
That is part of the physical exercise. The intellectual exercise is as follows: You remember
that the answers to each equation were left out.
Before beginning the sequence, each player must
equip himself with an electronic calculator.
As each square is landed on, the player must
provide the answer to the equation. Once that is
done, the player quickly works out the correct
answer on the electronic calculator. If the player's
answer is incorrect, or the player misses the square
he was aiming for, or the player fails to maintain his
balance, one article of clothing is discarded and the
player must start again.
Obviously, the game will not work if the participants are not committed to: a) testing the mind
to its limits, and b) testing the body to its limits. A
simple formula for the area of a rectangle just won't
If such a procedure is/followed, the players will:
a) get bored quickly and wait for next month's
game, or b) have a clumsy time of it when the end of
the sequence is reached.
Another advantage of using tough equations and
working them out in one's head is that the growing
dependance of the scientist on machines will be
lessened if more stress is placed on the accuracy of
the mental calculation rather than quickly guessing
and relying on the calculator. (Of course this latter
"hit and miss" method will also result in the
possibility of quickly inventing a whole new array of
games of a different genre when the end of the
sequence is reached.)
The physical exercise in this game is obvious.
Beside the activity of hopping from square to
square, there is also the mental exercise to be
considered. Remember, it has been proven
(Scientific Armenian, July 1963) that the amount of
energy expended by participants in a world
championship chess match is. equal to that expended by participants in a world heavyweight
The advantage of this game is that participants
can use their ingenuity to influence the outcome of
the game. The game ends when each participant
reaches the end of the sequence with no clothes on.
This aspect of the game, the ending, can be
particularly interesting if more than just one couple
plays. It is a true test of the participants' honest
integrity, honesty and mathematical ability. Will
you sacrifice the pleasure of solving each equation
to ensure reaching the end sequence coincidentally
with your partner? What will you do if your partner
reaches the end of the sequence with someone else?
As Einstein said, E-mc2. But what does the end
result of strip hopscotch equal?
MIND, MODERN TECHNOLOGY are combined in streamlined approach to traditional
children's game. Diagram above shows intricate web that takes hopscotch into realm of higher
physics. The diagram indicates the physical route by which participants, with technological aids,
proceed. Simplistic throwing of primitive objects (beads) is replaced by electronic calculator, as
players wind way up scale. Threat of physical embarrassment provides psychological
strangulation as mental, physical spheres are combined in ingenious process. Critics have hailed
model as possible breakthrough in measuring mental, physical interaction. Waterbed in middle is
yet another improvement, providing an improved "goal" to better promote mental, life.
$500.00 1st PRIZE
Dieffenbachia notes Arm
Design a colour scheme for the
Thunderbird Winter Sports Centre
- An overall colour co-ordination scheme is required to improve
the interior aspect of the complete recreational complex.
. To include appropriate graphics depicting the many student
activities and campus recreational events held within the
centre. Practicality of design is to be emphasized.
i   Open to UBC students only.
One prize only.
Interested people must have their names submitted in writing
to The Building Manager by 4:00 p.m., Friday, April 4,
Contestants whose names have been received will be given
further details  and  allowed  a sufficient period of time to
prepare a design.
. The decision of the management committee is final.
Mr. H. R. Nicholson
c/o Thunderbird Winter Sports Centre
Phone No	
Year and Faculty   	
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FRYE has it all. Looks, comfort and workmanship that rates
them as simply the best. New styles available in the near-
future from $60 to $80.
Women's styles available at the Hastings Street store only.
The fabled link between Quezalcoatl am
been debated but now we find three stroni
support the hypothesis.
Lhe population of Armenia (equal in size to Texas
plus Arkansas, minus half of Hawaii) has always
been somewhat of an anomaly to scientists of the
world. It's odd breeding habits, which were formerly thought to allow the population to rise on the
basis of quotient 6 every five years, plus its
negative-melanin tinted skin and unique language
separate it from the rest of eastern Europe. But
only with the studies of Dr. Anatole Francaise of the
University of Belgium have both the true reasons
for these differences and their possible connection
to the future of the world been revealed.
Inhabitants of Armenia have long been thought to
exhibit mathmatically calculable breeding habits.
The first observance of such a phenomenon is
credited to Dr. King Sod of Soggy Arabia, who
plotted population increase on a sliding scale, based
on figures published biannually in the Armenian
Almanac Guide to Animal Husbandry, Debretts,
Telephone Book and Dictionary. He found the
population fluctated on an even scale of quotient 6
every five years, which had to be adjusted by .237
per cent annually to match the Julian character.
Other evidence has shown a preponderance of
negative-melanin tinted skin among the
inhabitants, particularly those living in the
southern half of the country, where it is cold. Again,
to this research Francaise and an American
colleague has added a new dimension with his
research which was first started in November, 1967
and finished in December of that same year.
The final scientific assumption about homo
sapiens, genus Armenianosis, was in regards to the
language differential. This aspect of the problem
was tackled by noted linguist Dr. John Dieffenbachia of St. Francis Xavier University, An-
tigonish, Canada. Documentation provided by
Dieffenbachia traces a distinguishable tonal slip-
stitch similarity betw.een Armenian and
Quezalcoatl, the ancient god of the Aztec Indians.
Ihe early data on the breeding habits of Armenians, compiled by Sod, was first refuted in a
paper presented to the New Dacron Orthodontal
Society in March, 1975, following approximated in-
by Isadore Lemming
field research in 1967 and eight subsequent years
painful theoretical work.
The quotient theory, examined in detail
laboratory conditions approximating in-fie;
research, would mean the populace would have, t
1975, been enough to circle the earth 97 times at ti
equator, should it have been induced to join han<
and stand one atop the other for sufficient time
complete the encirclement — which is unlike
since they're rather stubborn sons-of-bitches — ar
should the quotient multiple have started in the yet
one A.D.
However, on observing the postcards receive
from Armenia by a graduate student in botan
Francaise saw that the countryside was fair
sparsely settled by humans, although there was
preponderance of goats and odd goat-like hominid
From that Francaise concluded that a substanti
amount of the population listed in the almanac w«
not extant, which could lead to two conclusions — <
the populace had never existed or b) it w:
misplaced as part of the phenomenon which
technician in the Kodak research laboratory, 1
Stop Fitzgerald, has dubbed "the lost generation
Conclusion one however was vehemently denk
on the back of a postcard which revealed tl
population records had not been tampered with
gain increased foreign aid from the United State
the Soviet Union and Upper Volta.
Francaise therefore took as his preliminai
conclusion thesis two; that the population had bee
misplaced. Aided by grants from Nation
Geographic, Francaise undertook over the ne:
eight years to find this population, but it wasn't uni
he began consultation with Dieffenbachia the tn
reason for this odd carelessness came to light.
Bieffenbachia, a Canadian linguist, conducted
long years of experiments with the Armenian in
migrant to Canada, Lester Pearthon, to determir
the tonal qualities of the Armenian tongue. \
discovered a z-quality factor tied to x-p2 nation,
type 3 which would tend to indicate the languaj
was quite funny. Quite as funny, in fact, as thi
spoken by the legendary Quezalcoatl, god of tl
Aztecs, as revealed in an Esso wall calendar of ti
CHARIOT ROUTES wizzing Armenians quickly around the world are evident in this accurate world map complete with ai
paths of the gods. The key route attracts Armenia to Central America, furnishing further diagnostic proof that the genu
Armenianosis can be linked, through documentation by Dieffenbachia, to the Aztec god Quezalcoatl. Superiority of th inian connection
Armenians has long
pieces of evidence to
Aztec sun dial. When left on the chronometre, the
calendar tended to emit sounds of the same quality
and frequency of Pearthon, especially when the
subject was placed outside the linguist's laboratory,
and into the House of Commons.
Francaise's data was co-related with that of
Dieffenbachia, to indicate that a) there were a
number of misplaced Armenians and b) they spoke
the same language as Quezalcoatl.
ihe two were later joined by skin specialist Dr.
Eldridge Cleever from the University of Soledad,
who discovered the negative-melanin skin pigment
found in Armenians was roughly similar to that of
Guatemalan Indians who had been pelted with high-
projectile balls of lead and berets of an off-green
shade. His research, based on an NBC newscast of
February 9,1958, showed the Indians faces turned
white when first confronted with the missiles. At
this precise second, should the newscast be stopped
and the faces scanned with ultra-violet light, the
readings showed —.768 on the melanin scale —
exactly same as that of Armenians.
These three pieces of evidence tend to indicate a
close connection between the Quezalcoatl and the
Armenians. In fact, in his paper to the New Dacron
society, Francaise stated uncategorically that
further evidence since come to light would maybe
tend to make it seem that the Armenians and their
ancestors Quezalcoatl, plus their generic cousins
the Guatemalan Indians, are all integrally connected with the Chariot of the Gods.
The chariot in fact zips the Armenians about the
globe where they make momentary appearances to
uncivilized elements and/or the BBC audiences of
the Monty Python Flying Circus, before disappearing once more into the cosmos, their names
only recorded in the Armenian Almanac and social
security register. Further research will undoubtedly be done into the eventual cosmic
destination of the Armenian's godly, chariot.
Collaboration by scientists Carlos Castenettes and
Erich von Heinniken is currently under way in
Costa Rica to reach an understanding of this
race is somewhat clear here with widespread invasion by Armenians to
all parts of the world. The shot of the castle was taken by John Glenn
who is still "high in the sky" from his Mercury space flight.
An exciting casual, limited menu, seafood restaurant is scheduled to open May 1, on Granville Island.
We will be catering to the after ski - after sailing - and generally the young at heart. We require a
complete opening staff including:
Previous Experience Not Necessary — We Will Train!
Imagination and a smile are the only pre-requisites.
Applications and Interviews March 31 - April 3, 5 pm - 8 pm
at Creekhouse Granville Island
The Government of Yukon Territory has several openings for
persons interested in summer employment, from
approximately mid May to mid August, as managers of
portable swimming pools in a number of Yukon locations.
Reporting to the Yukon Government's Recreation Branch
and working in close liaison with community sponsoring
groups, the successful applicants will be required to manage
portable swimming pools and perform routine maintenance
tasks to ensure efficient operation of the pools as well as>
instructing Red Cross and Royal Life Saving Society courses
and' introducing and implementing other aquatic and
recreation programs.
Applicants must possess or be eligible for a Red Cross Water
Safety Instructor's Certificate. They should also possess a
current life saving award (minimum Bronze Medallion) and
be able to work effectively with a minimum of supervision.
Previous experience in maintenance and pool operations will
be an asset.
Salary: $650.00 per month.
CLOSING DATE: April 7, 1975.
Personnel Department
P.O. Box 2703
Whitehorse, Y.T.
13 we want your
used  textbooks \
Notice to
All Faculty
During the period April 8 to the|
end of exams  the Bookstore
will buy back used books
for resale jn September.
Your co-operation at this time
will help us to provide an
adequate amount of books for
your classes well in advance
of September demands.
Tuesday, April 8 to the
end of exams   — 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
get 50% in cash for used textbooks
scheduled for use in the next
fall session.
the bookstore
university of
british Columbia
14 Thursday, March 27,   iy/0
Page 25
Hack sees quiet change
Ubyssey reporter Mark Buckshon is in his fourth year at UBC
and is currently finishing his
second year at The Ubyssey. Here,
Buckshon takes a look at what has
been going on during the past
academic year, just in case you
hadn't noticed it earlier on these
The 1974-75 academic year
wasn't unusual for most students.
Classes continued as scheduled,
good and bad profs taught good and
bad courses and the daily routine
of studying and socializing was
rarely disrupted by excitement.
There weren't any streakers,
mass rallies or noisy demonstrations.
But beneath the facade of
quietness, some of the greatest
changes in the university's history
were occur ing.
A major revision in the B.C.
Universities Act, the first in a
decade and only the third in UBC's
history resulted in basic changes in
the way the university operated.
Two students obtained seats on
UBC's board of governors and
student representation in senate
increased from about 10 per cent to
nearly 25 percent, displacing a
•largely anonymous group of rich
Alumni Association representatives.
A major bureaucracy, the B.C.
Universities Council opened offices
at a West Broadway address, and
Blankstein ... Jake's friend
William Armstrong left his position
as UBC deputy president to chair a
group of 10 powerful laymen and a
dozen secretaries, planners and
These changes didn't have obvious effects on most student's
Confrontation was the exception
rather than the rule.
And yet it was not an apathetic
It seems the changes which gave
students representation in many
areas of university governance
absorbed loud student politicians
into silent but influential decisionmaking groups.
UBC housing critic Stefan
Mochnacki sat on a committee
with his former enemy, administration housing director
Leslie Rohringer, and together
they devised a unique plan to buy
downtown hotels for conversion to
student residences.
Svend Robinson, elected with
Rick Murray to the board,
reiterated the need for confidentiality of current board
decisions even as he worked to
open meetings to the public.
Incoming Alma Mater Society
president Jake van der Kamp
joined outgoing AMS president
Gordon Blankstein at a March
"western student services conference."
And registrar Jack Parnall
didn't raise his ire when he saw a
clearly recognizable Ubyssey
reporter walk with a notebook and
large contingent of elected student
representatives  into  a   "closed"
science faculty meeting.
The controversial characters of
earlier years were lying low.
Arts dean Doug Kenney took a
limbo position as president-
designate and would say little in
public except at occasional out-of-
town alumni meetings when he
preached cliches about the
"university and community."
Administration president Walter
Gage, having lost deputy president
Armstrong to the Universities
Council in November, spread
power among senior bureaucrats
and bursar William White as he
prepared to ease out of the
presidency July 1.
But in spite of the quietness of
most student leaders and administration officials, the faculty
association was in turnoil about a
proposal to unionize university
And turmoil in the provincial
education department, caused by
education minister Eileen Dailly's
inability to manage her
bureaucracy,-spread to many
areas of the university's
The profs began to move towards
unionization late last year, when
premier Dave Barrett announced
his government would not grant
additional money to the three
public universities unless they
expanded community programs.
At a September meeting, the
Faculty Association voted to apply
to the Labor Relations Board for
certification as bargaining agent
for profs.
But within a month, after accusations of irregularity by some
profs, the association voted to
suspend its unionization plans.
And association president
Meridith Kimball, a leader in the
unionization movement,
discovered before Christmas that a
psycology department committee
had decided she was unworthy of
Kimball has appealed the tenure
denial. Her status and the
unionization proposals are "under
study" by senior profs, and
association members.
Dailly's announcement last year
that she planned to reduce the
province's classroom student-
teacher ratios pressured UBC's
education faculty to accommodate
a 20 per cent enrolment increase
within already inadequate
After profs were hired and
temporary offices built, Dailly
announced she was suspending the
expensive program.
Turmoil in other parts of the
education department, especially
the research and development
section, had little direct effect on
UBC because the Universities
Council had- its own internal
heirarchy and bureaucracy.
But Dailly was unable to resolve
a spreading literacy controversy,
which began after Christmas when
UBC's English department
revealed almost 40 per cent of
English 100 students had failed a
basic language skills test.
Dailly said than that her
department is studying the
problem. Her answer didn't satisfy
education critics who in increasing
numbers demanded, and still are
demanding, her resignation from
the provincial cabinet.
Other problems arose as
university officials and Universities Council members discovered
how the new Universities Act was
changing the financial power
UBC officials weren't certain
how the government would enforce
its policy restricting university
budgeting unless additional off-
campus and community education
programs were started.
At a tour, UBC officials sucked
universities council members for
money with an elaborate show of
research rooms used by few
students  and  almost   no   non-
university personnel.
Council members were not
In the end UBC got enough
money to meet essential operating
expenses but didn't get the cash it
had wanted for expensive research
space and equipment.
Some "community" programs
were expanded, and the number of
daytime part time students enroled
doubled, but the figures were
largely meaningless because
almost no part time students attended UBC last year.
At another level, students continued to press for increased
representation. on faculty and
presidential committees, trying to
expand the basic gains made last
year when student representation
was allowed in many areas for the
first time.
Arts students protested a
"closed" dean selections system
which would have allowed a total of
only 23 student voters (already
elected departmental and faculty
reps) to choose two representatives for the committee
recomending a successor to Doug
Students pressured registrar
Parnall to change the rules so any
arts student could  vote  in an
election, with candidacy still
restricted to the 23. The arts undergrad society remained unsatisfied — it wanted candidacy to
be open to any arts student — and
Van der Kamp... Gordie's friend
so it held its own mock election.
"Frank Mahovlich" won.
But it seemed the backroom boys
were moving to appoint associate
dean Robert Will, who took the job
from Kenney when he was appointed president designate.
Will's office has been secretive;
it wouldn't confirm that former
music department head Donald
McCorkle is extending a leave of
absence until years' end. (The
leave began in November at the
request of Kenney after almost
violent protest last year by
students and profs against his autocratic administration.
No student-faculty dispute this
year equalled the 1973-4 McCorkle
fight. But a few more profs
protested tenure denials, including
a commerce prof and a psycology
prof other than Kimball, and
students continued unsuccessfully
to agitate for representation on
tenure and promotion committees.
In other areas, several students
complained they were
discriminated against on racial
grounds for admission to UBC's
medical school. Medicine dean
David Bates has denied the reports
which are being investigated by
the B.C. Human Rights Commission.
The student housing shortage
became more acute than ever, with
thousands of students unable to
find accommodation in September.
A publicity drive helped students
find space in private homes, often
See page 28: STUDENTS
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Offer expires
December 31,1975.
.P. Code- Page 26
Thursday, March 27, 1975
Brief to BoG urges student
reps on tenure committees
A brief urging student
representation on faculty
promotion and tenure committees
has been prepared for UBC's board
governors by an ad-hoc student
access committee.
Committee head Steve Haber
said Wednesday the committee has
been working on the brief since
Feb. 28 when the arts and science
undergraduate societies formed
the group to examine the issue.
Haber said "the brief is based on
exhaustive research obtained from
the Association of Universities and
Colleges of Canada and UBC information services."
Some board members feel it
should not be presented due to their
previous sentiments against the
idea, Haber said, but the brief is
reasonable in only requesting that
a sub-committee be set up.
The brief says some faculty fear
student participation in personnel
matters will bring about an ear of
witch-hunts and ideological
Such fears are countered by
sources cited which suggest that
joint student-faculty participation
will lead to increased awareness of
the importance of co-operation.
Haber said universities across
Canada have been pushing for
student representation on
promotion and tenure committees
since 1968.
"Universities that have tried
students on tenure committees
have had satisfactory result," said
"Wehope the board of governors
will consider the issues presented
in the brief on their merits rather
than on the basis of tradition at
UBC," he said.
Haber said it is important for
students to know about the brief so
that letters supporting it could be
sent to the board and so student
groups can give their official endorsement.
Copies will be available for
students to read at the SUB
Speakeasy office.
Several Canadian universities,
including the University of Lethbridge and Windsor University,
already have student representation on promotion and tenure
"We have involved students in
tenure, promotion and salary
determination question as well as
appointments..." says Lethbridge
administration president Dr. Sam
In the case of tenure we see no
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grounds for denying that a student
ought to have something to say
about the most important decision
made about a university
"The red herring that is
frequently dragged across the path
is that students would violate
confidentiality. "They don't . . .
We've expected responsible,
mature behavior and thus far we
have got it."
For that
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^ Telephone 876-8746 ^
TUTORS — those backbenchers are
probably entering the great spring
depression and need your aid. Take
Make a few friends and a few dollars.
Register with the UBC Tutorial Centre,
Speak-Easy. Fee $1. Phone 228-4557.
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A program of the UBC Alumni Association.
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Mar. 27 -
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ABC Recreational
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in Victoria: 564 Yates St. 384-6522
Many more items on sale, too numersous to mention.
( ll\K(.l \ Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page 27
1,400 protest cutback collusion
TORONTO (CUP) — About 1,400
students, faculty and staff
demonstrated at the University of
Toronto Tuesday to protest
recently exposed collaboration
between Ontario's government and
universities to cut back funds.
Ontario premier William Davis
told the province's universities last
December the policy of financial
cutbacks is permanent. The
universities are currently
preparing an official response that
says they will carry out the policy
for the government.
This general agreement between
the provincial government and the
governing boards and presidents of
the universities was revealed in a
series of documents leaked last
The documents are official
records of the council of Ontario
universities, the official representative body of the governing
boards and administration
presidents of the provincially-
funded universities.
One document shows that Davis,
Jack Auld, colleges and universities minister, and the chairmen
of six university governing boards
met confidentially last Dec. 17, just
one month after 1975-76 financial
cutbacks were announced.
Davis and Auld told the chairmen the financial squeeze will
continue and that the universities
must respond by "changing their
style fundamentally."
Davis' only specific advice on
increasing productivity was to
lengthen the academic year while
reducing the total time needed to
complete an academic program.
Auld cited "an excessive number
of courses on women's rights" at
one university as an example of
courses which could be eliminated.
Increased class sizes and less faculty are also ways to cut costs, he
The board chairmen pointed out
"that it would be unfortunate if
unduly stringent financial policies
toward universities were to encourage militant elements on
"Symptoms of this are already to
be found," the board members
The following month a special
COU subcommittee on university
policies and plans was set up to
"assess the goals, policies and
plans of the Ontario university
system for the remainder of the
'70s and the '80s in the light of
competing government priorities."
On Jan. 19, ministry representa-
• TR 6 or 4
Above Normal On
A New Toyota.
2 Drs., 4 Drs., Station Wgns.,
4 Wheel Drives and Pickups
7th and Burrard, Vancouver
tives told the subcommittee
universities should not expect to
see provincial grants increase
beyond the general rate of increase
in government revenues.
A draft report of the special
subcommittee recommends
universities agree to implement
the cutbacks in their short-term
and long-term planning.
The government's message to
the universities is clear, says the
report: Davis wants "more scholar
for the dollar."
established universities in order to
steer students to institutions^ with
greater capacity;
The subcommittee recommends
the universities implement the
cutbacks by;
Ceasing the hiring of new
faculty, not replacing faculty who
leave, hiring only faculty willing to
teach larger classes and carrying
heavier teaching loads;
Increasing academic entrance
Requesting the government to
allow increased university tuition
fees without compensating
government grants;
The recommendations and the
special committee's report will be
dealt with at the next meeting of
the council later this month.
The   report   summarizes
message as follows:
Operating grants will not be
sufficient to continue university
programs as in the past;
The government is seeking
improvements in "productivity
and its index of productivity" in
the student/faculty ratio;
The government will maintain a
policy of accessibility for qualified
students but wishes to see a more
rigorous interpretation of the term
The government would welcome
a   cessation   of   growth   in   the
LOOK TO . . .
Prescription Optical
Because — when you look good
So do we . . .
and it has a lot to do with
projecting a man's personalty.
Ask us about our protein body waves and any information on how to take care of your hair and skin. We also
retail the very best products on the market for the needs of your skin and hair.
We are located on the U.B.C. Campus. Come and see us. By appointment only —
call 224-5540.
Nots Parlons Frangais
Every year U.S. fishermen catch around five million Canadian salmon, worth some $32.5 million in
1973. Canadian fishermen, in turn, take around 2.5 million U.S. salmon, worth $17.5 million in
1973. This leaves an annual balance in U.S. favor of 2.5 million salmon.
For the past few years Canada and the U.S. have been negotiating a new treaty, the purpose of which
was to equalize and reduce interception by each country of the other country's salmon. The basic
principles governing the negotiations, as agreed in June, 1971, were:
That each country harvest only its own salmon.
That where it is not possible to avoid interception of the other country's salmon
because of intermingling, an equitable balance should be struck.
That this equitable balance should be arrived at by reducing rather than increasing
Since  1971, however, Canadian negotiators have given steadily to U.S. demands until now they
appear ready to abandon these principles. Now they are proposing to accept U.S. claims of "historic
rights"  to  Fraser  River salmon  runs and  to give  the  U.S.  an even  larger balance of salmon
interceptions in its favor.
If this is allowed to happen, it will be yet another giveaway of our country's resources to the U.S.,
and the future generations of Canadians will be saddled with the consequences of a treaty as
humiliating as the Alaska Boundary Treaty and the Columbia River Treaty.
You can help to prevent it by sending your protest to the federal government demanding that it take
a strong stand in resisting this latest U.S. attempt to infringe upon our sovereignty.
Office of the Prime Minister,
Dear Sir,
I am concerned over the latest Canadian proposal in the Canadian-U.S. salmon
negotiations. This retreats completely from principles agreed to by both countries in
June, 1971. It perpetuates the imbalance of salmon interception in U.S. favor, writes off
the concept of "equity" with the U.S., places unnecessary catch limits on Canadian
fishermen and infringes on Canadian sovereignty.
I urge you to withdraw the litest Canadian proposal of February, 1974 and to
revert to the basic principles of June, 1971. Only such a stand can obtain for Canada a
fair treaty protecting the interests of all Canadians in their salmon resource.
Yours truly,
Sign and Mail	
No Postage
Necessarv     lnsertad by United Fishermen and Allied Workers Union, 138 East Cordova Street, Vancouver, B.C. Page 28
Thursday, March 27, 1975
Students seek parity
From page 25
with exorbhitant rents and rotten
living conditions.
Housing director Rohringer
announced residence rents would
increase by almost 19 per cent next
year.Rentalsman Barrie Clark
investigated and then decided
residences are not under the
jurisdiction of ihe Landlord and
Tenant Act.
Food prices also increased but
were rolled back temporarily after
a Ubyssey survey showed campus
price increases were exceeding the
level that can be justified by inflation.
The AMS had its usual debates —
as usual, mostly frivolous — and its
internal   apathy  showed  in  the
spring when four council meetings
and the general meeting had to be
cancelled for lack of a quorum. But
council, after years of debate,
approved construction of the new
covered pool near SUB. Construction will begin next year.
Throughout the year, the
debates, fights and changes on
several levels fundamentally
altered relationships among
students, faculty, administrators
and government officials.
The changes weren't superficially concrete. Most were within
the silent and unreported fabric of
secret governing body meetings.
Students moved further toward
direct involvement in all segments
of  university  operation,   even
though the goal of representative
parity is -still far away.
Profs faced internal conflict,
with the conservative element
appearing to have won at least
temporarily. Ambitious researchers and administrators unconcerned with direct community
problems found money scarce.
The changes of 1973-4 weren't
dramatic. But slowly, though
definitely, power is beginning to
spread from a small circle of
administrators to students, junior
faculty and outsiders interested in
university affairs.
The topic of many of those secret
meetings is becoming how to open
the university to the community so
only the right people will notice.
FREE DELIVERY   Pizza in 24 Styles
PHONE Choice of 3 Sizes
224-1720 Special Italian Dishes
4450 W.   10th AVE.      Fully Licensed
Hours: Monday to Thursday 11 a.m. to 2 a.m.
Friday & Saturday 11 a.m. to 3 a.m. - Sunday 4 p.m. to 1 a.m.
SD 18103 —
Yesterdays —   Yes
SD 18120 — The
Prophet — Kahlil
Gibran, narrated
by Richard Harris
CCH 1067 — War
Child —Jethro Tull
CCH 1073 — For
the Earth Below
—  Robin Trower
7ES   1001   —Court
& Spark —
Joni Mitchell
7ES 1012 —
Verities &
Balderdash —
Harry Chapin
Unless Otherwise
Thursday Mar. 27
until Thursday
April 3, 1975
Quantities Limited
7ES 1017 — Late
for the Sky —
Jackson Browne
7ES   1026  —  Sheer
Heart Attack —
EKS 75064 —Queen
MS 2194 —
Waitress in a
Donut Shop —
Maria Muldaur
NE   431   —   Stanley
on this Product
Unless Otherwise
7ES 1004 — On the
Border — Eagles
MS 2177 —
Sundown —
Gordon Lightfoot
SD 18131 — Feel
Like Making Love
— Roberta Flack
BS 2694 — The
Captain & Me —
The Doobie Bros.
W 2750 — What
Were Once Vices
Are Now  Habits  —
The Doobie Bros.
BS 2834 — Urban
Renewal    —   Tower
of Power
BS 2836 — Just a
Boy — Leo Sayer
SD 18118
New &
CP 0134 — Let it
Flow — The Elvin
Bishop Group
SD 7308 — The
White Band
BS 2845 —
Songbird —
Jesse Colin Young
SD 9040 —
Emerson, Lake &
COC   79101   — It's
Only Rock   n Roll
— The Rolling
MC  66669  —Brain
Salad Surgery —
Emerson, Lake &
VR 13-105 —
Tubular Bells —
Mike Oldfield
556 Seymour St.
Open Thurs. 'till 9 p.m. and Sat. 'till 5:30 p.m. IIIUI3WVIT,     ,TlVlf^ll
V    O    J    O   S   C    J
i*age zy
Hot flashes
Free Chile
Looks like those of us
opposed to nuclear energy might
be all wrong.
According to Alvin Weinburg,
a nuclear energy proponent,
we've overestimated its hazards,
overestimated the possibility of
finding alternative energy sources
and ignored the already
impressive record of nuclear
energy use.
Weinburg speaks on the
acceptibility of nuclear energy at
4 p.m. today in Hebb Theatre.
Weinburg is director of the
Institute of Energy Analysis in
Executive    meeting,     noon,    SUB
Discussion  group,  noon, SUB 215.
Dr.     Jones     demonstration    of
acupuncture, noon, IRC 3.
Sven    Eriksson   speaks   on   getting
involved in a church family, noon,
SUB 207-209.
Regular   teacher  training  program,
noon,     room     1,    5760    Toronto
Final   meeting of  the  year, noon,
SUB 119.
Film    on    exploitation    of    native
Indians, noon, Hebb Theatre.
Talk   on   dedication,   noon,   SUB
Bicycle ride, 8 a.m.-noon,
endowment lands.
Malcolm McGregor speaks on
reminiscences of an autocrat, 8
p.m. Buchanan penthouse.
Final general meeting of the year,
noon, SUB 213.
Election of officers, noon, Ed 204.
Social meeting, noon, Nitobe
Care to spend an evening for
Chile's freedom?
You can do it by seeing an
original play (in English) about
Chilean peasant life, with
traditional Latin American songs,
music and the cueca (Chile's
national dance).
The performance is a benefit
for the Chilean resistance
movement, sponsored by the
Vancouver-Chilean association
and the Latin American art and
culture group.
Time is 8:00 p.m. Saturday at
Fisherman's Hall, 138 East
Falstaff is coming to UBC,
courtesy  of  UBC  opera theatre.
The performance runs next
week, beginning Tuesday, and
features a cast of students and
faculty with the university
symphony and opera chorus.
Tickets are $2.50 and $3.50,
$1.50 for students and old age
pensioners. Call 228-3113 to
reserve tickets, or pick them up
at the music building.
today's world, there are still
many people who believe that
change can happen through
non-violent means.
For those people, there will
be a film on Mahatma Gandhi
and Martin Luther King,
followed by a talk on non-violent
action in SUB 212 on Friday,
April 4 at noon.
Summer jobs
Looking for a summer job to
finance your education for next
year or to finance your daily
visits to the Pit?
Placement officer Cameron
Craik invites students to register
now at the campus placement
office (building F of Ponderosa
annex) for summer jobs. Almost
everyone who registered last year
was successful in finding jobs.
The campus placement office will
be open all summer but the
earlier you register the better.
Despite all the wars,
revolutions, coups, assassinations,
and back room deals that affect
Broke? Need money?
Applications for Canada
student loans and general UBC
scholarships and bursaries will be
available April 8 in the awards
office, Buchanan 207.
And if you still haven't got
your department of education
grant-in-aid cheques, you'd better
hurry over to the awards office
as soon as you can.
Head of the History Dept. - Lewis & Clark College
S.U.B. Rm. 200
1:30 p.m.    March 30
• Store furniture, odds & ends—you
name it!
• Your own individual space.
• Self service and you keep the key.
• Various sizes from 25 sq. ft. and
• Access 14 hrs.—7 days a week.
• Security   Manager   present   at   all
774 Denman St.
CALL 685-0282
Complete Selection
of Latest Styles
and Colors
RATES:  Campus - 3 Htm, 1 dsy $1.00; additional Him 25c
- Commercial - 3 Ikies, 1 day $1-80; additional tines
4fJc. Additional days $1.50 & 36c
Classified ads are mt accepted by telephone and are payable in
advance. Deadline is t1;3Q a.m,, the day before publication*
Publkathm Office, Boom 241, &U8.. UBC, Van. 8, B.C
5 — Coming Events
Pandemonium Medicine Show. This
Tuesday, April 1st, 12:30 p.m. in SUB
Theatre. It's Free!
10 — For Sale — Commercial
Phone John or Grant Cumberbirch representatives for
(Diamond Specialists and Importers)
evenings  2(3-4635
WE PRINT ANYTHING. 360 novelty designs. We specialize in clubs and team
shirts. T-Shirt Tree. 27 West Cordova
St.. 683-2933.
11 — For Sale — Private
LED ZEPPELIN concert photos available Phone Paul Little at 980-4326
after  7:00 p.m.
'73 CAPRI like new, V6, decor grp.
11,000 orig. mi., fern green, black
Interior. 261-6007.
'«» MO MIDGET, only 42,000 mi „ very
good cond., many new parts.' $1,500.
20 — Housing
$25.00 REWARD for information which
results in our obtaining a 1 or 2
bedroom suite which will accept husband, wife and cat Notice required.
Phone 263-7472.
$25 REWARD if we choose a house
(4-bedroom or larger) you recommend, to rent, May 1st Phone Marty
ment to sub-let May thru August.
West End. Beautiful waterfront view.
8th floor. $198 per month includes
parking. Mature single person preferred. Phone 733-5082.
WANTED: A one-bedroom self-contained apartment. Vacating one end of
term? Good commission. Call 228-
4 BEDROOMS available in large house
near UBC, May 1 Clean, reasonable
Singles.  736-0797.  Brian.
$20.00 REWARD for information which
results in our obtaining a 1-bedroom
suite which will accept husband,
wife   and  cat.   Phone  688-1980.
UNIV. OF OTTAWA and Windsor stud-
ents need sublets for June, July.
August. Please contact P. Choate,
736-6002 after 4:30 or by campus
mail at Social Work.
2 BDRM. TO SUBLET May-August, furn.
Approx. S250/month. 263-5013, Ron or
$25.00 REWARD for information leading - to acquisition of one-bedroom
apartment in Kitsilano, May 1/75 for
young couple. Phone 224,5772.
25 — Instruction
to learn to make your own hanging
planters, storage jars, mugs, bowls,
etc., or brush up on your technique?
Take a class at Peg's Place Pottery
School, 2780 Alma at 12th Ave.,
starting April 7th, for a 10-week
session. Register now! Phone 738-2912
Inquire about our afternoon workshops for the more experienced potters!
40 — Messages
FEMALE, cosmopolitan. Oriental background, wants to meet persons witk
progressive world views, interests
biology, science, artistic, intellectual,
age 29-35. Reply Box 40, Ubyssey.
SUB 241. '
50 — Rentals
60 - Rides
65 — Scandals
AGUA-SOC General Meeting and Exec,
elections Thurs. noon, SUB 219
Nominees include Lloyd Bridges,
Capt.  Nemo,   and  Flipper-
APRIL FOOL'S DAY edition of Dr. Bundolo, Tuesday, April 1st. 12:30 p.m.
in SUB Theatre. It's free.
70 — Services
Thousands  of  Research Papers.
Custom  Research
Student Resume Services
1969 W. Broadway, Vancouver, B.C.
Phone: 738-3714
Office hours: 1:00-5:00 p.m. Mon.-Sat
HAVE PIE, WILL TRAVEL. Will contract for any face. Pix if desired
Details  call 224-1952.
80 — Tutoring
WILL TUTOR any course in business
administration or computer programming, Mike Muni,  224-9665.
the basics of every instrument Piano
lessons,   H.   Reid   Campbell, 224-3080.
85 — Typing
and Marine Drive).  Phone 266-5053
home. Essays, thesis, etc. Neat accurate work. Reasonable rates 263-
90 - Wanted
If you use your left eye to look '
through a telescope or to peep
through a keyhole
If you have normal vision
(no   glasses   or  contacts)
If you - fit these qualifications you
can earn $7.50 for participation in a
psychology experiment on vision.
Stop by Rm. 11, Henry Angus (basement) for a free screening to see if
you qualify or call ext. 6458 foi
further  information.
99 — Miscellaneous
INFORM Page. 30
Thursday, March 27, 1975
One year ef UBC sports
We're not as old as Clancy Loranger here at the Ubyssey sports desk,
but our memories extend for at least this year.
The season opened for UBC squads with the football team attempting to
preserve a record unblemished by victory over the last three years.
Frank Smith's coaching expertise enabled him to take a group of green
rookies and turn them into a smooth, polished fumble machine. Morale
was high the entire season, with only six players threatening suicide, and
only one actually succeeding. "
UBC's basketball teams marched out onto the maple boards and
marched off with kudos galore.
The women raked everyone in the west over the coals, finishing with a
19-1 record and a ticket into the national final. Their hopes for a fourth
consecutive title were wiped out by Laurentian University in the final
game. The gloom sMl lingers over at War Memorial Gym over that one.
The men's team caused a few cases of heart palpitations before finally
subduing the Canada West league. After finishing in a three way tie for
second place, they were given the nod to meet Victoria on the basis of a
better record against the two teams tied with them.
The 'Birds took two narrow wins against the Vikings to advance to the
national tournament in Waterloo where they were crushed in two games.
'Bird coach Peter Mullins expects a better team next year with the
added experience, but warns that the entire league will be better.
The soccer team started off in great style, winning the Canada West
and the national titles and thrashing the Yanks in five straight games in
Colorado. After that the guys decided to take it easy and came up with
two whole wins in four months.
Members of the local CMU (Canadian Masochists Union) wishing to see
the UBC players during the summer holidays will be able to do so at
Empire Stadium. Three of them were signed by the Vancouver Whitecaps
for their up-coming season.
Now for Gymnastics. Well, so much for Gymnastics.
The cricket team, whom no one but Malcolm MacGregor knows about,
will start its season in the last week of April and is seeking recruits.
People who enjoy wearing white pants are asked to contact Peter MacDonald at 261-7554.
The track team really blew it this'year.
They managed only firsts at the Canada West cross-country and indoor
track meets. They didn't even give us a chance to write about a measly
world record. Some people really have no considerations for poor ol'
sportswriters like ours truly.
The wrestling team, them big brutes, had a pretty good season.
The team gave fine showings in the Canada West and National
championships and also in the B.C. Open. From there the team came up
with one medal at the Canadian Open with the 190-pound lovely George
Richey taking the freestyle title in that weight group.
Over on the women's side again, the badminton team finished second in
the Canada West league. The field hockey teams (varsity, jayvee, and
totem) all stormed to first place finishes in their respective leagues.
The women's swim team missed the big wave; managing only a third
place finish in the Canada West division. The cross country members left
everyone behind in their race for first place honours in the West. The
skiers schussed to first on the slopes and th6 trackand field took second in
the Canada West. The curlers were knocked out in the end, finishing 2-3 on
the year.
The hockey 'Birds took second in their league, finishing far behind the
eventual national champion Alberta Golden Bears. In the playoffs with
the Bears, the 'Birds extended them to three games before losing. Ahhh,
Do you know what happened to the Squash team? We don't.
If interested you should corv :Jer
our one-year policy
oriented M.P.A. program
entrance with B.A. (Honors) or equivalent.
Enrolment limited to 30.
Queen's University
at Kingston,
Ontario, Canada
Eight rowing teams from the
Pacific Northwest area will take
part in the UBC Annual Spring
Regatta this Saturday March 29th
at Burnaby Lake.
In addition to this 22 members of
the Canada Games Plan '76
training camp will be featured in
the UBC sponsored affair.
The teams will be representing
Western Washington State College,
Seattle Pacific College, University
of Puget Sound, University of
Oregon, Oregon State University,
Pacific Lutheran University,
Victoria City Rowing Club and
The teams will compete in the
eights, fours with and without cox,
pairs with and without cox, singles,
doubles and quads events. At least
150 rowers are expected to turn up
for the competition.
They will be divided into freshman, light-weight, junior varsity
and varsity sections.
These, according to UBC coach
Rod Bell-Irving, are the best
rowers on the west coast with the
exception of the Californians.
After this the UBC varsity team
will journey south April 5
for the San Diego Crew Classic as
the only Canadian team there.
The meet will feature the best
rowing teams in the United States.
Among these are teams from
Harvard, Penn State, Navy, U. of
Wisconsin, U. of California at
Berkeley, UCLA and UC Irvine.
UBC is the only Canadian team
invited by the city of San Diego.
The meet is the only o n e, apart
from the US Intercollegiate
Rowing Association championships, that brings the top
teams from both the east and west
coast of the United States together.
It is the only meet of this nature in
which UBC competes.
Next on the schedule for the UBC
rowers will be the Western Intercollegiate Spring Championships April 16 and 17 at Long
Beach, California.
There the Western Crew Coaches
Association champions will be
(Programs Abroad)
Invites you to join in a
subsidized travel program
open to all Canadians between 21-26.
Travel to: Britain, Finland, France,
Japan, Mexico, Spain, Venezuela, U.S.A.
Cost: $200.00
(Program includes return transportation, food, accommodation).
For further information and application forms please contact:
Contact Canada (Programs Abroad)
66 Slater St., 23rd Floor,
Ottawa, Ont. K1A 0M5.
Phone: (613) 996-6270
International House - U.B.C.
George & Berny's
2125 W. 10th at Arbutus Thursday, March 27, 1975
Page 31
RO HINDSON (20) dominates this lineout against the University of Victoria Vikings -marise savaria photo
for  the Thunderbird   rugby  side.   Hindson   and   'Birds  are  slated  to   defend  their     possession of the World Cup Saturday afternoon at Thunderbird Stadium.
World Cup fourth title for'Birds?
"You can put this year's
Thunderbird rugby team up
against any rugby team in the
world and we wouldn't be outclassed," said Donn Spence.
This year's rugby side can point
to the finest won-loss record posted
by any UBC rugby team ever, 20-2.
Thus far they have won three
championships. The first two were
the Canada West championship
and the McKechnie Cup last
Sunday they whipped . the
University of Victoria 16-3 to pick
up their fourth straight Northwest
Intercollegiate Conference crown.
On Saturday they go for the
grand slam when they face the
University of California for the
coveted World Cup.
"We have had three really great
teams at UBC, in 1937, 1953, and
1971, and I would say that this team
is in the same class as any of
them," said Spence, who started
his outstanding Thunderbird
athletic career on the 1953 team.
Spence said there may have been
more superstars on the earlier
teams but the greater publicity
they received helped make it that
"Certainly Ro Hindson and John
Billingsley would be in that
category if we got the exposure
now that we had them."
Spence sees this team as the
smoothest functioning unit he has
had. They work well together, help
each other out, and this gives them
a competitive edge.
The 'Birds are counting on this
edge to win the game on Saturday.
The American teams are generally
composed of fine athletes with a
good grip on the fundamentals but
lack the experience and "rugby
sense" it takes to play as a unit.
The 'Birds played Santa Barbara
last year when they made the trip
to California to meet the UCLA
Bruins in the World Cup game. At
that time the UBC team took a
rather handy 40-9 victory.
This season UCSB has jelled and
recorded an impressive string of
victories playing against the other
California university teams.
UCSB had requested the 'Birds
to play them for a number of years
but it was only three years ago that
time could be found for a meeting
of the two schools. Since then they
have met twice with UBC winning
both games.
When the 'Birds traditional
rivals of late for the World Cup, the
UCL Bruins, were hit with
financial problems and couldn't
compete this year, UCSB stepped
into the breach, although the
players are financing most of the
trip themselves.
In 1920 the publisher of the
Vancouver World, a daily paper,
donated a trophy called the World
Cup to be competed for annually
between UBC and a U.S. university.
The World Cup has been competed for 35 times since 1920; the
Thunderbirds   have  taken   it   14
times, as have the Berkeley Golden
Prior to the Second World War
the Cup winner was decided after a
playoff. After the war the format
was switched to a home and home
series with two games being
played at each school. This format
almost always had the winner
declared by total points as each
team would usually win its home
It was at this time that the
Golden Bears became the tradition
rivals of the 'Birds. They won the
cup 14 times between 1949 and 1968.
In the late fifties a financial
squeeze forced the format to be
changed again; it was decided to
limit the series to two games and
have the teams alternate the home
advantage each year.
In 1969 the,. UCLA Bruins began
playing for the Cup and it was
decided to play just one game
annually. The Bruins won the Cup
in 1969, 1970, 1972, and 1973.
UBC has won the Cup but three
times since 1958, in'1961, 1971 and
1974. The World Cup game has
been traditionally the best attended of all UBC sports. At one
time crowds of 6,000 were not
uncommon. Spence hopes to see
around 2,000 at Thunderbird
Stadium at 2:30 Saturday.
He would have liked to see a few
more out but circumstances are
working against him. It is now
exam time for UCSB so the game
had to be moved from Thursday
noon to Saturday. That's bad
enough in itself, but this being a
long weekend makes things worse.
The one good thing is it looks as
though the weather will be good.
Right on
Directly Behind Bank
Village Coiffures
Newest Cutting and
Styling by
Miss Betty and
 Miss Maija	
No app't necessary!
Special Student Prices
2154 Western Parkway
(in Village)	
Hewlett-Packard Presents
Scientific Pocket
Complete with manual, battery
pack, recharging unit and carrying
• Performs      Rectangular/Polar
Conversions Automatically.
• Display Format Selectivity.
• Full   Register   Arithmetic   For
Speed And Accuracy.
• Degree/Radian Mode Selection
And Conversion Capability.
• The  Full   Range  Of  Scientific
Scientific Pocket
Calculator s49500
The most powerful scientific
pocket calculator ever...
because   it   offers
• More Data Storage Registers
Than Any Other Pocket
• More Keyboard Commands
Than Any Other Pocket
• And A  Built-in Digital Timer!
The bookstore will give you a demonstration today.
the bookstore
[ ?^B
I a |
■ sB
j    4    M
I s |
j   6  I
l i B
1 ? 1
1  0 1
See our complete line of ^^
Calculators W-m
University of British Columbia Page 32
Thursday, March 27, 1975
SAT, MAY 17,8 RM.


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