UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Apr 3, 1992

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,>» Classifieds 822-3978
RATES: AMS Card Holders - 3 lines, $3.15, additional lines, 63cents, commercial - 3 lines, $5.25, additional lines
80 cents. (10% discount on 25 issues or more) Classified ads payable in advance. Deadline 3:30p.m., two days before
publication. Room 266, SUB, UBC, Van., B.C. V6T1Z1, 822-3978.
11 - FOR SALE - Private
IBM AT SYSTEM, 12 mhz. Dual (loppy
drives, 85 mb hard drive with color monitor
and printer, and software bundles. Please
contact Paul at 646-3888; leave message.
AIRFARE ■ ONE WAY to Montreal. Female after April 30. $150. obo phone 599-
"Blaster". Throw balloons further than a city
block. $20.  1-800-565-5333.
1978 MERCURY MONARCH, red 4 door, 6
cycl, $500 obo. Phone 261-7734.
ROOMS FOR RENT, UBC Village. April 3,
April 15, or May 1. Sublet 322-4997.
30 - JOBS
summer? Gain valuable real world exp. with
a chance toearn$10,000 or more. Call Works
Corps at 298-7429 or 1-800-665-4992.
applicants for commission corporate
fundraising campaign. ContactMikeat325-
6383 and leave message.
PAINTERS/FOREMAN full-time, experience necessary, $8-15 per hour. Call Alumni
Paintere, 983-2512
WORK WITH US to stop Dupont's destruction of the ozone layer. Summer work—can
extend into next school year. FT/PT, M-F,
3:00 pm -10:30 pm. Call 253-4990.
summer work headache! Prevent it NOW.
Summer work available. Make $6,000+. Informational meeting. Monday, April 6th,
3pm or 5pm. Tuesday, April 7th, 3pm or 5
pm. Wednesday April 8th, 3 pm or 5 pm.
Thursday, April 9th, 2pm or 4pm or 6. Friday, April 10th, 12:30 pm, or 3pm. Brock
Hall Annex 363 or call 291-1164.
HAVE FUN INTHE SUN, make money and
strengthen your resume. Painters and
fore people wanted for College Pro i n Langley
and Surrey. Also canvasser wanted. Phone
Steve: 266-6221.
HELP WANTED. Are you physically fit?
Are you health oriented? Excellent $$$. Call
Mark at 739-1887.
Broadway med. office. Considerable flexibility and hours. Good pay. Suitable for grad or
part-time student 222-4140.
Speak up more in groups
A 4-session training program (free)
offered as part of counselling research.
Please call 822-5259 NOWI
DRIVER REQUIRED to drive oldsmobile
to Toronto, Ont Phone 536-3457 or 535-
FOR EXPERIENCED tutoring & assistance in your university/college course work
in English, ECT, social sciences, humanities
courses and in ESL conversational & written, please contact RAJ ph: 669-1157;
message: 669-5641.
Two locations: 2034 W. 1 lth between
Arbutus and Maple, 736-2729
or 1850 York Ave at Cypraw & York, 731-
We rent Ryder Trucks and sell boxes &
moving supplies.
WD Process/typing, APA/MLA, Thesis.
Student rates. Dorothy, 228-8346.
Deadline for submissions: for
Tuesday's paper is Friday at
330pm, for Friday's paper,
Wednesday at 3:30pm.
Note: "Noon"* 12:30 pm.
Friday, April 3rd r
Sri Chinmoy Centre. Meditation
Workshop (Free). Titled: Accelerating Our Spiritual Evolution. 8
pm, Room 1, Kits. Community
Centre, 2690 Larch:
Moving or sending your personal items or
effects back home? Is money a factor? PAC
with all your shipping -requirements both
domestically and internationally. We are a
freight wholesaler to the moving industry
and for the first time ever are offering our
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packaging personal effects to be able to ship
through our network of freight carrien. The
bottom line is no minimum charges and a
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more information and the best price in town
call 293-1188.
SUMMER WEDDING? The Granville Island StringQuartet will provide baroque and
classical music. $200/ first hour, $100/ each
additional hour. 737-3957.
BASEBALL - Any guys in KiU/UBC area
interested in warm'n up arm for the season,
call Justin at 739-8461.
sublet. May-Sept Kits area. 739-1209.
Saturday, April 4th	
Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship.
Barbecue by the Beach. 4:00 pm,
East of Jericho Yacht Club.
Monday-Friday, April 13-17
AMS ART Gallery. Art Exhibition:
Glenn Kruger. 9:30 am - 4:30 pm,
AMS Art Gallery.
Don't waste your time running all over
APA, MLA, theses, resumes ...
No problem.
Room 60, Student Union Building
Or phone: 822-5640
Mon-Thurs: 9 - 6; Fri: 9 - 5
Coming to the SUB Concourse
JobLink is a service operated by and for. UBC
Students. Our goal-to link empoyers and students for a mutually beneficial employment
SUB Main Concourse Room 100B
Call 822-JOBS (822-5627)
print Fast Professional service. Excellent
results. $2/pg. Phone 224-7860.
MS Word 5.0. Documents of all types.
Audiotape transcription. $2.25/dbl sp. pg.
($4.50 single spaced). Dot-matrix output
Fax service. Close to campus at 4th &
Dunbar. Call Rick anytime at 734-7883.
printer, student rates. Pis call Agnes, 734-
Fast, accurate, reliable
Enhanced laser printing ... 224-2678
TYPING PAPERS essays. Done on short
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JUS   • Colour Laser
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M-TH 8-9 FRI 8-6
SAT-SUN 11-6
Friday, April 24
Ubyssey staff banquet and
awards night. All staff members
and old hacks welcome. 5pm until
???? Drop in to the office for more
Sunday, April 5th
Seattle, Washington
Meet at
King street station
(5th & Jackson)
For more info, call
(206) 632-8547
A     ^
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Unique Traditional Chinese
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It's official!
Another year is
Congratulations to ali graduates. And to
those returning, we'll see you next year
Don't forget our office is open all summer.
!f you've got problems with student «oans5
housing or with any government service,
give us a call (732-8683) or drop by our
office at 2505 Dunbar.
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April 3,1992 .    ., fc    ,..A  :"~      NEWS
Appointment of
exec to task force
raises concerns
by Carla Maftechuk
A Task Force on Counselling
and Related Services for Women
Students on Campus"raised questions in Tuesday's student council
A motion to appoint Marya
McVicar, the AMS coordinator of
external affairs, to the task force
was postponed until April 15 after
it was met with opposition from
several council representatives and
other students.
The task force is being established by K.D. Srivastava, vice
president of student and academic
services. Its purpose is to identify
counselling services for women that
are available both on and off campus and to examine "concerns expressed by individuals/groups"
about counselling services available for women students at UBC.
Liz van Assum, Arts rep, did
not support the motion.
"It's a bit of an arbitrary appointment and an assumption on
Marya's part that she knows what
she's doing. There was a lack of
communication with other
women's organizations on campus.
I didn't like her defensive reaction
to questions, that she would react
like that to anyone challenging her
power over it. She's caught up in
the hierarchy.
"It sounds like lefs research
it again,' like the example of government commissions to study
problems and not deal with them,"
she said.
Judy Lee, coordinator of the
AMS women's centre, was not informed about the motion before it
came up in council.
"I think that to appoint one
female executive member is quite
ineffective in terms of actually
representing women on campus,
because the Women's Centre is
there for women who fall within
the cracks of the system on campus. They never go to people who
have knowledge—the administration has to look to who they're
turning to.
"I think the administration
can show how committed they are
to the status of women by making
this a priority and making sure
that this doesn't end up on a shelf
collecting dust.
"In terms of representation, I
would like to work in conjunction
with the AMS rep. If some women
feel more comfortable with the
AMS executive, they always have
that option. I would like to have
our voices heard. We represent a
fair size of women as well," Lee
MaryaMcVicar said she would
see if there could be other student
representatives appointed to the
task force.
"I honestly didn't think there
would be a problem; I'm on the
president's advisory committee of
safety of women on campus.
"I didn't even think ofthe potential problems of putting forward
the motion to council. I can understand the disagreement but it's
really important to have a link to
council. The rep would be responsible to report to AMS council, just
to make sure the person goes to
[task force] meetings."
McVicar was uncertain
whether or not any concrete
changes would come out of the
"It's really hard to say. A lot of
advisory-type committees are
meant to satisfy people who have
been complaining," she said.
Nancy Sheehan, dean of education, will chair the task force. A
written report and recommendations are to be submitted by May
Recycling a priority
by Raul Peschiera
A question of whether to create a campus-wide recycling
programme and increase AMS
fees by four dollars may go to
referendum in the fall, even
though some AMS executives
would rather secure a university
financial commitment first.
Nikki Ferrel, AMS recycling
coordinator, presented her proposal to student council on Tuesday, outlining the proposed campus-wide plan.
"Four dollars from each student will be used to start a more
extensive multimaterial
programme on campus," Ferrel
"Only capital funds will be
used. The AMS will qualify for
government funding that will
cover one third of capital costs for
multimaterial projects in an effort
to meet their goal of 50 per cent
less garbage by the year 2000,"
she said.
Ferrel'8 survey of 200 students found over 86 percent were
in favor of a four dollar increase
to improve campus-wide recycling. But AMS director offinance,
Bill Dobie, does not want the AMS
to be burdened with the costs of a
campus-wide project.
"If the administration does
not contribute, the AMS will be
burdened with the whole cost and
I dont think ifs only our responsibility^ Personally, I think ifs a
good idea: just look at the mountains of garbage produced during
the strike. But the university has
to work with the AMS for it to
work," Dobie said.
Should the referendum
question pass quorum, the
programme's initial phase will
install bl ue recycli ng bi ns all over
campus. The new bins willed be
aimed at collecting the estimated
452 tonnes of recyclable waste
usually thrown away every year.
Future plans will include a computerized and more comprehensive car pooling system.
Caireen Hanert, AMS director of administration, said the
proposal may be too far-reaching
for the AMS.
"I think a lot more can be
done in SUB. People are still
throwing away paper and
recyclables in clubs and around
the SUB," she said.
"I think ifs a good plan, but
there are other good proposals
that may go to referendum and
the fee increase may be eight
dollars and not just four; then
nothing may pass. I think that
anything the AMS and administration does together will give
more of a sense of community
and cooperation with students,"
she said.
But Ferrel remains optimistic students will support it.
"Once you start recycling,
ifs hard to stop. It will spread
because when students get used
to recycling in university, they
will eventually take it into the
market place," Ferrel said.
** ^
\i  -"*5**J
Unusually warm weather recently has solarized
civllllans who, despite warnings, refuse to wear
Cult-like group preys on UBC
students, draws criticism
by Marsha Kierkegard
A cult-like group on campus is
trying to divert students' attention
from their studies. Every day group
members invite individuals on
campus to their bible study group.
The Vancouver Church of
Christ (VCC) is part of a larger
international organization known
as the Boston Movement, which is
under investigation by several cult
watch agencies. The group is reputed to use manipulative tactics
and this has raised the concern of
students and the UBC Association
of Christian Clubs.
Gord Carkner, a staff worker
from Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship has -received many complaints from students about the
Vancouver Church of Christ. He
said there arearange of complaints
and the VCC tries to develop authoritarian control over members.
"Their goal is fast-track
growth ofthe group. They have a
rather strange tactic of approaching someone on campus, by asking
for the time of day or directions
and then immediately inviting
them to a bible study.
"Another concern is love
bombing, where excessive attention is given by numerous leaders
in the group upon the arrival of a
new visitor.
"Cult mentality is different
from anything else we know. People
are overwhelmed by the agenda
and the church becomes your life
more than anything else. You literally become addicted," Carkner
Meetings are held in Gage
Towers, in a building near the university village, and downtown.
A third-year science student
decided to go to a meeting after
being approached a few times by
various people. He said there were
about 30 students and the average
age was 20.
"Everyone wanted to be my
friend, even though they didn't
know me," he said. "I had never
been to a bible study group, but it
was more informal than I thought
it would be. It was at a minister's
home and everyone there tried to
make me feel really, really comfortable. In fact, they didnt want
me to stand up ever, or walk out
the door or to ride my bike.
"I was so overwhelmed with
attention that I didn't understand
why they wanted to convince me
that I needed a group like this in
my life.
"They were urging me to meet
with them right after the bible
study group as soon as possible
and this made me back off."
In retrospect, the science student said, "I think they're obviously taking advantage of people
who are likely to be in a vulnerable
situation—young people, people
who are new in town, and this is
exploiting them in the name of
"They're everywhere, I know
several other people who have been
solicited by the Jesus peddlers on
Carkner said, "In order to earn
salvation, baptism, street evangelism and bible study are required
of members.
"I think there is a mixture of
good intentions and enthusiasm
with deception and corruption.
Many of the lower members are
not aware-they are keen and enjoying all these friends."
However, Carkner warned,
"Enthusiasm is not equivalent to
credibility of any group.
"They have a tendency to abuse
private information solicited from
new members. They tend to isolate
members from family and friends
who are not involved with the
Boston Movement.
"Other abuses include prying
into students' personal lives before
there is a normal trust relationship
built. They don't allow members to
attend any other religious groups
or social events and there is aheavy
requirement on time, with as many
as five meetings a week."
Carkner said the use of isolation, confinement and control
makes it difficult for students to
leave after becoming involved.
A first year arts student who
attended a bible study said the
members were friendly, but there
was more emphasis on their own
actions rather than god's and the
meeting was held with a questionable approach.
"It was run in a way that the
scriptures could be manipulated to
back their own point of view."
She said, "Members are not
allowed to associate with other
churches or individuals. It would
be a very lonely and dangerous
situation, if you found a way out,
and it is easy to become roped in.
"They can put a lot of pressure
on. I didn't have a problem but I'd
be concerned for other students
who are prone to do what they
[VCC] said."
Carkner said, "One of the
problems in getting out is that
they dont make it easy, you have
to back out slowly. Ifs very tricky
emotionally, you need support from
other friends, or family, or a pastor."
There have been serious problems with the Church of Christ
groups on campuses across the
country. A group of about 20 came
out here a year ago last September
from Toronto to build the movement on the West Coast. They are
approaching people at post-secondary institutions in Vancouver
and downtown.
Around the time the group
arrived they applied for AMS club
status and were turned down.
Martin Ertl, AMS president said,
"The Student Administrative
Commission did have serious
concerns about constituting the
group [as a club]."
Ertl said students involved
might want to speak to the UBC
Student Support or to the counselling centre in Brock Hall.
"If [students] want to do
something about getting this group
off campus because of the sort of
activities that they're involved in
then they can talk or write to me or
the university administration."
Carkner said, "I think the
campus needs to know about them,
what they are doing and what their
approach is. Information is my
goal. I am willing to talk to people
who are concerned about the
Vancouver Church of Christ or who
have felt undue pressure by them.
"rm not against the people involved, I'm open to dialogue and
discussion. My concern is for a
healthy religion."
Brian Felushko, the leader of
VCC refused to be interviewed for
this article.
April 3,1992
X V. \ *S. \ "•.
«. \
s ,
■. \
You are invited to a
Public Lecture by
Dr. Eva Wong, Ph.D.
A comparison of perspectives
from Eastern tradition
and Western Physiology
Friday April 3,7 -10 pm
Chinese Cultural Centre
50 E. Pender St., Vancouver
presented by the Taoist Tai Chi Society
and Fung Loy Kok Taoist Temple
Phone ''31-6609 for more information.
\ \ \ \ \
.**•   v
/     4
•      4
f      *
4*      4
X      4
4*      4
*     4
X     .1
• /•//•••••••••X,
Asians waited an hour
Raise money for your group! Hold a Roxy
fundraising parfy! Call the party hotline at 684-7699
• Wednesdays are student nights •
• Free admission with your student card •
by Jonathan Wong
AT 10:15pm on Saturday, a
line of about 100 Asians
stretched from the doorway of
Madison's Nightspot to the end of
the block.
For the next hour, fewer than
ten Asians were allowed entry while
dozens of white patrons walked in
without waiting.
Asian groups waited outside
while a bouncer repeatedly motioned the Asian queue away from
the door. "I thought I told you to
stay back!" he said.
Asians in line at the doorway
were "blocking" the path of patrons
entering the Richards Street club,
he said.
Meanwhile, he welcomed
dozens of white patrons past the
line. "Welcome, right this way," he
told them.
At 11pm, a car screeched
around the corner and slowed down
in front of the line. The driver,
hidden in the dark, rolled down his
window, and with the tone of a
charged sports fan, chanted:
"Fuckinnn' chinnnnks!"
The driver immediately drove
Periodically, about every 15
minutes, a white patron or bouncer
exited Madison's, stood at the
doorway, and invited other whites
inside as they arrived. They entered
freely and without being checked
for identification at the door.
"Look how easily white people
can get in," remarked a person in
With a reporter, a group of
nine Asians waited until 11:40pm
at thr queue's front until permitted fntry.
However, a woman in the
grrup, in her mid-20s, who had
wf ited more than an hour at the
fr' rnt, was refused entry unexpect-
e« ly for failing to produce identifier* tion. Bouncers had previously
v aived ID checks for several all-
' hite groups.
The woman told the bouneer a
lub employee could vouch for her
age. Her ID was in her car blocks
away, she said. "Fm sorry, you'll
still have to go to your car," he told
her. «*
The whole group, the youngest person being 24 years old, had
to produce ID to enter. "You have to
-I 911 West 4 JX^GnuG •
15% OFF
with valid student I.D.
""{j 20%OFF |
■ ■ with valid student I.D. '
expires April 30/92 |   |       ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^    expiresApril30/92l
About 100 Asians waited an hour in line on Saturday before allowed
entry into Madison's Nightspot across from Harbour Centre. Club
owner Dale McRitchie said "it was coincidence" that dozens of those
who could enter without waiting were white. They were VIPs, he said.
have ID or you can't come in," the
bouncer said. He checked every
Asian's ID.
Inside the club(which charged
a $7 cover fee), the crowd appeared
about 40 per cent Asian, 60 per
cent non-Asian.
Only Asians lined up outside.
In 1986, The Ubyssey sent a
team of reporters to investigate
the door policy of Systems, a club
oreviously located where
Madison's is now.
On October 24, 1986, two
Asian men were allowed entry. The
remainder of the team that followed were refused entry. A
bouncer told them it was a "members-only" night.
The bouncer later told an
undercover Ubyssey journalist on
tape, "I have a real problem with
gangs here...especially orientals—
Japanese, Koreans—and so my
boss says unless they are members, we don't want any orientals
Varsity Club members laid a discrimination complaint against
Systems with the BC Human
Rights Commission.
In March, 1989, six CVC
members were compensated $500
for the "embarrassment and humiliation [they suffered] as persons of Chinese ancestry." CVC
had rented Systems for a dance.
Systems manager Dale
McRitchie had remarked "Chinese
don't drink enough [and] terminated the dance early because they
were not drinking enough," wrote
commission member Douglas Wilson in his judgement.
"Therefore, McRitchie's actions, combined with the reference
to Chinese people, were discriminatory in that a significant factor
in his differential treatment ofthe
Complainants was their race,
colour or ancestry."
McRitchie's club subsequently shut down but later reopened as Madison's in September
McRitchie, who now owns and
manages Madison's, said "it was
coincidence" that Saturday's line
up, "the longest in a while," was
Asian and that mostly whites entered freely past 10pm.
"These people [who skipped
the line] were either on the guest
list, made a reservation, are VIPs
or are friends of staff," he explained.
"Anybody staying in line is a
free-paying customer no matter
what skin colour they are.
"Ifs the colour of their money,
not the colour of their skin," that
determines "special treatment at
the door," he said. People who pay
$275 for membership get in freely,
he said.
"Put their money where the
mouth is and they'll be treated
"And I welcome them all
[people in Saturday's line] to buy
membership," he said. "But a lot of
people are cheap."
He said the all-Asian line up
resulted from arecentmusicformat
change at Pelican Bay which used
to play dance music.
"We play Z95.3 music, we are
the only club with this format, so
now they're all coming here," he
said. "We've noticed it for the past
two weeks.
"Unfortunately, we can't
process them all," he said.
McRitchie said bouncers decide "over time" how many people
they let in and "we never hold our
line here for an hour."
At 10pm on Saturday,
McRitchie said 209 people had already entered the club, so bouncers started a line up to save space
for an expected 100 VIPs (65
showed up that night) and 83
guests. Under the club's liquor licence, only 300 people are allowed
in the club at once.
There are about 1,500 Madison members and a guest of a VIP
does not have to wait, he said.
Few people leave during
prime hours (10:30pm to 12:30pm),
so few people, other than VIPs and
their guests, can enter, he said.
He also said bouncers will only
demand identification from people
who "look too young."
April 3,1992 NEWS
Low rent accomodation available, 3000 Point Grey Road.
Applicants need apply In person.
The Black Forest:
With Our Prices
You Can Have
Your Cake And
See It Too!
Studying teen food conflicts
Germany's Black Forest
region has inspired
countless fairy tales
and romantic poems.
Create your own
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visit to this ancient
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ient      free
he    A   Ca:
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by Effie Pow
As assistant professor in
UBC's School of Family and Nutritional Sciences says, junk food
plays an important role in the development of young women.
"Young people consume junk
food away from home, with friends,
and associate healthy food with
family.meals, andbeinggood. They
identify junk food as part of independence and autonomy," said
Gwen Chapman, who recently
completed a study on the eating
New employee relations
programme in the works
by Mark Nielsen
A formal mechanism that will
allow AMS employees to air
grievances about their jobs may be
in place as early as this summer,
according to AMS director of administration Marya McVicar.
McVicar said Thursday handling personnel problems will be
one of the responsibilities that a
new management committee—
made up of AMS executive members and AMS general manager
Charles Redden—will oversee.
A similar committee had existed up until two years ago when
the AMS abolished it during a review of code and bylaws.
"Its main intention is to improve communication between
council and staff," she said. "But,
while we're not in the business
end, we feel the AMS is here to
represent students, and that
means student workers as well."
McVicar said the committee
would operate in part as a forum in
which employees could make suggestions about improving conditions as well as making grievances
Although personally satisfied
with the present system—in which
Redden is ultimately responsible
for handling personnel problems—
McVicar sai d some employees may
prefer a more formal process that
would also provide anonymity.
"There are some employees out
there who are not happy with the
way they're being treated, but are
also afraid they'll lose their jobs if
they complain," she said.
McVicar said the decision to
establish the committee was not in
response to any particular problem.
(A former AMS employee had sent
a letter the The Ubyssey stating
her supervisor has been treating
his staff unfairly.)
"We were looking through code
and bylaws and found out that the
committee had been eliminated,"
McVicar said.
Maftechuk, editor of the year
would like to
wish all UBC
students a
happy and a safe
vacation and
may the Easter
Bunny hopinto
your life. Carla would like to remind
students to be very, very careful
with chocolate eggs. They may have
been tampered with! Precaution
aside, have a hoppy, happy, hoppy,
happy super-duper summer but
don't forget to use sun block. Stayed
tuned for guest appearances of courageous Carla next year!
April 3,1992
habits of young women between
the ages of 11 and 16.
She said active young women
should be able to eat junk food if
they are eating healthy food as
well. The pressure on women to be
thin causes problems with eating
"We have to uncouple self-esteem and attractiveness, and uncouple certain foods and weight
Between 1988 and 1990,
Chapman interviewed 93 females
from a number of Toronto schools.
She examined the significance of
food for young women because they
are at an age when they gain control over their eating habits, but
are also the ones most often at risk
for eating disorders.
"When I started talking about
food most of them broke it down
into two categories: junk food and
healthy food," she said. "So I asked
why this distinction wasimportent
to their lives."
Chapman plans to talk tohigh
school teachers about the results
of her study.
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Student Union Building
Lower Level, 822-6890
Canadian Universities Travel Service Limited
Flying to the Island
has never been easier.
Or cheaper.
Right now, we'll, fly you to Victoria
or Nanaimo for an impossibly low
$25. That's about what you'd pay to
drive over on the ferry but we'll get
you there in a fraction of the time!
The $25 one-way fare is
available on two morning flights to
Victoria and one to Nanaimo. And
you can return for $25 too. But
only till May 31, 1992 on selected
flights. Beyond that, the only
restriction is availability. So call
your travel agent or Air Canada
right now.
An Air Canada Connector
Applications for space in the SUB Art Gallery are available
in SUB 238. Applicants must submit a proposal and a
deposit along with the application.
Applications are due by 4pm, Friday, April 3,1992 in SUB
238. Questions can be directed to the Art Gallery
Commissioner in SUB 246 or at 822-2361.
■ ■ ^ ■* ■« ■ ■
-^ q-M-tVjpsa"^"*
Thinking of Teaching?
Teacher Education
Application Deadline:
Wednesday, 15 April
Applications are available from
Room 103, Scarfe Building
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ft kitchen facilities available ft afforable restaurant
ft home of the famous "Boot Pub"    ft free shuttle to and from lifts
Mar 30 -Apr 2 ROOT OF BEGGARS (from Roots Roundup)
April 3-5 ACTIVATE, one of Canada's Hottest Reggae Bands (from Calgary)
April 9-12 Back by popular Demand! RUSSELL JACKSON AND THE JAC BAND.
Reservations Recommended (604) 932-3338
The Graduate Student Society
Softball League will begin play
Mav 12.
The league will consist of 36 teams, divided into
three divisions.
The league will play Tuesday, Wednesday and
Thursday nights.
Spaces in the league are awarded on a first-come, first-
serve basis.
No individual is permitted to reserve a space in the
league for any team other than his/her own.
In order to sign up for the league, a team
member must come in to the Graduate Student
Society Office (6371 Crescent Road) and pay a
$20 registration fee.
The league will run from May 12 to
September 3.
Principles must preceed process
Native leader speaks on justice and land titles
Mainstream Canadian law functions in a vacuum
of process over principles according to Joan Crowe. In
this case the concept of individual rights degenerates
to little more than defending individual elbow room
and unity remains an abstract concept.
by Jilena Cori
Joan Crowe's speech at the
International Women's Day rally
put on by First Nations' women
March 7 struck a chord in the crowd
of about 5,000.
Crowe is familiar with the effects ofthe current constitutional
issues on First Nations people and
the just settlement of Aboriginal
land claims. She is one ofthe nine
Native participants at the current
federal-provincial constitutional
talks in Ottawa.
"They are the most important
questions of my life," Crowe said.
The conference is considered
a historic breakthrough as Aboriginal peoples have, for the first
time, been promised the right to
full participation in the constitutional process.
a degree in business education and
a law degree from UBC.
Tm able to look at their law
and see what I feel about it."
The Charter she learned about
in law school is based on the rights
ofthe individual. The symbol of a
triangle really helped me get
through law school because, on that
triangle, you can put all the parties: the state, the plaintiff, the
defendant. Everyone on that triangle is fighting each other to protect their little place.
"Fundamentally, people who
espouse these individual values do
not accept that we are inherently
connected to each other. We must
first recognize that we are connected, then our place as an individual is ensured. Because if Fm
"Fundamentally, people who espouse these
individual values do not accept that we are
inherently connected to each other."
round, they
are proposing
to recognize
our inherent   	
right to self
government," she said. "I don't really need them to do anything about
that, because I have it. But Fm
thankful they are going to recognize it. That's a good start."
The most important thing
[now] is the application of the
Charter [of Rights and Freedoms
to Aboriginal self-government].
Thafs where it gets sensitive. Because that's where we really have
to learn to listen to each other
first—then accept what the other
is saying, that their point of view
is valid. The next thing that will
come is understanding. Once you
understand, then you can question.
"I walk in both worlds: I know
my traditions, I try to live by them.
Fve also gone through the white
education system."
Crowe spent several years
teaching and counselling at the
University of Manitoba and holds
connected to you and I don't treat
you right, you will hold me accountable. That's what is called
collective rights."
Crowe said she was raised by
her elders to think first ofthe group,
the people, the nations, "then, if
what I am doing is okay as an
individual, I can proceed. I must
never put my own self-interest
above the interest of my people
all connected. This is very philosophical."
A crucial issue in the government proposal is property rights.
"Coming from a collective philosophy, the concept of entrenching
property rights within the highest
law of Canada scares the shit out
of me. Because on that triangle,
we're [each] going to'fight even
harder and more about our own
little spot. It is no good. We don't
want to fight each other anymore,
we want to get along."
Land title has not been settled
in BC and the issue stands to become an even more explosive feature in future BC politics.
And if the settlement didn't
happen? "Life would go on. We
would just stay where we are and
keep living. It's not us who are so
anxious about this settling thing.
WeVe not in a big rush, because we
want to do it right. It's big business
that's in a rush.
To us this is about responsibility, this is not about rights.
However, if we are going to join the
Canadian state, we have to talk
^^^^^^^_ the language of
the Canadian
state." First Nations' people see
themselves as inherently respon-
^^^_^^^_ sible for and accountable to their
traditional territories.
"We want to negotiate a relationship and how we are going to
carry this responsibility together
as people who have all chosen to
live on this land.
"This is about learning to live
together with respect, honor and
She points out: "This is where
I have to go back and start from
"I walk in both worlds: I know my traditions, I try to live by them. Fve also gone
through the white education system."
because that just doesnt work for
"I think that is the current
problem the Canadian state is
having. We dont realize that we're
where I am. Fve been taught to
focus on what I believe in, the principles. If I know what I believe in,
the process will come. I must live
my own truth."
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Don't join
The Ubyssey.
It's over. You missed it. This is the last
issue. Now all you can do is join The
Summer Ubyssey. First week in July.
Please DO join The Ubyssey. SUB 241K
April 3,1992 &
3757 W. 10th Ave.
(10th and AJma)
Vancouver, B.C.
/Prison 386SX    N
• 20Mta 386SX CPU
• 1 Meg RAM
• 1.2 or 1.44 Meg floppy drive
• 1 send. 1 pvallel, 1 game port
• 101 keyi enhanced keyboard
> 52 Meg hard drive
> Mono monitor with Hercules
conpatibkt card
/^TRISON 386DX-2^
• 25Mhz 386DX CPU
• 1 Meg RAM
• 1.2 or 1.44 Meg floppy drive
' 1 aerial, 1 paallel, 1 game port
• 101 keys enhanced keyboard
• 52 Meg hard drive
• Mono monitor with Herculei
compatible* card
^TRISON 386DX-4ff^
• 40Mhz 386DX CPU
• 1 Meg RAM
• 1.2 or 1,44 Meg floppy drive
• 1 aerial, 1 parallel, 1 game pott
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• Mono monitor with Hercules
conpatibles card
(604) 222-2326  Fax: (604) 222-2372
Joan Crow: A new leader in
the fight for land title
by Jilena Cori
Joan Crowe has a gift: she can
She is one ofthe increasingly
visible Native spokespersons who
are standing up against the erosion of history to forge a new understanding for Canadian aboriginal peoples and to bridge the
Crowe speaks with the same
down to earth wisdom and ease to
one person or to a couple thousand. She is enthusiastic about
her work and her participation in
the constitutional talks reflects
the degree of recognition and
credibility she has earned in both
Native and non-Native communities.
She is wary, however, of being used as an example that any
Native woman could do the same
if they really wanted to—the Pull
Yourself Up by the Bootstraps
theory. She admits to having
struggled both as a Native and a
"I looked at who held the power in
Canada. Lawyers. So I had to know
what they knew."
"If I was able to make it, it
was because I had so much help."
At 13, Crowe had the choice to
go to a residential school or to
participate in the relatively new
"integration" programme. Choosing the latter she left her family
and hometown of Baren's River,
Manitoba, to enter grade ten as
the only Native in a Winnipeg
high-school of 1,200 students.
"If you are ripped out of a
normal, healthy home too young,
it creates a form of trauma that
you have to deal with later on."
This has been the case for many
Natives of her generation.
After a few experiences living with host families, she moved
out on her own at fifteen and
started working at A&W to support herself. Eventually the stress
of work and school, as well as
homesickness, got to her and she
returned home six months short
of completing grade 12.
At 17 she moved in with an
abusive alcoholic and they were
married a year later. At 19 she
was on her own again and working as a waitress in a bar, when
she decided to do a year of upgrading to get her grade 12.
Four years later Crowe became the first Native in Canada
to graduate with a degree in
business education. She made it
through many difficult times
thanks to the provincial ACCESS
programme which takes a holistic approach to assistingminority
and disadvantaged groups.
Eventually she helped coordinate the ACCESS programme
at the University of Manitoba
  where she worked as
a counsellor and an
instructor. As a
teacher Crowe enjoyed alot of success
  with her students
and was given the task of setting
up the university's first technical
communications course for the
engineering faculty.
However, when she tried to
move into a management position
equivalent to her level of responsibility, she found the doors shut.
"They could have brown skin
in the faculty, but not in power.
When it came right down to it
they protected the status quo."
After encouragement from
Shirley Olson, a close friend and
practicing Native lawyer, she
packed her bags and entered the
Law Faculty at UBC.
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"I looked at who held the
power in Canada. Lawyers. So I
had to know what they knew."
Now approaching 31, Joan
Crowe comes across as a strong,
fun-loving and perceptive woman.
"In "Western' culture you change
who you are and how you relate
depending on where you are: at
work, at home, at a club. I am the
way I am no matter where I am.
"Mainstream Canadian society wants me to do it their way to
respect me, but you have your
way and I have mine. We need to
accept the differences with respect."
Like many people who speak
about their experience as members of two societies, Joan Crowe
is a modern day diplomat.
Forerunners offers 10% off regular priced shoes and
clothing to all UBC faculty, students and staff.
3504 West 4th Ave., Vancouver, B.C. 732-4535
part-Time programs
Evening Film Classes
Starting Monday, May 18
■ Directing for Film
■ Cinematography and
■ Sound Recording for Film
and Television
■ The Assistant Director
■ Art Direction
■ Script Supervision and
■ Make-up for Film and
■ Introduction to
■ Producer'sWorkshop
■ Editing for Film
■ Professional Video
Production for Beginners
■ Scriptwrtting Level I
■ Scriptwrtting Workshop
■ Video Editing
■ Cinemascape
Weekend Filmshoot
Designated classes participate in a 2-day hands-on
Acting Classes
Starting Monday, May I 8
■ Film Acting Technique
* The Business of Film Acting
and Auditioning
■ Commercial Audition
■ Cold Read ing/ Auditions
■ Scene Study
■ Camera Technique
■ Master Cold Reading/
Scene Study
■ Directing Actors
3D Computer
Graphics Animation
Starts April 21 /May 25
The most comprehensive
program in North America.
Foundation Film
Starts May 4/ September 8
Award-winning, hands-on
immersion program—
simpl)'the best!
For a brochure or
information call:
685-5808 yf
■ ■ ■ ■
■ II
- ■ ■
April 3,1992
Raising fire against restraining rites
"She has the face of a Buddha and the heart of a scorpion."
by Bianca Zee
NO. 1 is old and wise. No. 2
is a masseuse. No. 3 is
an opera singer. No. 4 is a 19-
year-old university student. They
are Chinese women without
identity, restricted by tradition,
and they are Master Chen's
"She has the face of a
Buddha and the heart of a
scorpion," says Mistress No. 3
about No. 2.
The Second Mistress, armed
with those attributes, plays the
game well and emerges a victor.
The game: power and deceit. The
players: four women (concubines)
trapped in a life of dutiful
obedience and sexual servility in
41-year-old China director Zhang
Yimou's Raise The Red Lantern.
Zhang has directed internationally celebrated films such as
Ju Dou and Red Sorghum.
Raise The Red Lantern
now playing
The four women depend on
Master Chen, whose whims and
desires determine their daily
happiness. Songlian (Gong Li),
the master's newest wife and the
fourth mistress, initially denounces her obsequious fate.
However, she eventually succumbs. She wields her tools of
beauty and shrewdness, becoming adept at attaining the
master's attentions.
Gong Li, who starred in Ju
Dou and Red Sorghum, is superb
with her character's transitional
Delivered by her stepmother
into her role of concubine,
Songlian, originally a university
student, acknowledges that the
affluent lifestyle becomes her as
she immerses herself in the
lavish material goods and
perpetual pampering by the
servants. She arrives in university clothes but is soon endowed
in traditional robes and foot
massages. (She later ends up
enlightened, dressed in university clothes and insane.)
A price must be paid for all
this luxury and it comes in the
form of suffocation and misery
induced by their world of
helplessness and futility.
Director Zhang shoots
everything symmetrically, and
the Chinese architecture of
Chen's rigid and motionless
compound is like formal Chinese
tradition. His compound is a
prison for women.
Each day, the wives
competetively display themselves
outside their doors as Master
Chen chooses his sole bedmate
for the night. Lanterns are
raised to light this house and the
mistress receives special treatment.
The First Mistress, old and
withered, spends all her nights
in solitude. She accepts her
plight and is respected by all the
others, perhaps because she is
not a threat to the other players.
The rivalry rages between
the Second and Third Mistresses
who scheme and devise tactics to
frustrate their new competitor:
No. 4. Songlian is one step ahead
ofthe game, though, as she
feigns pregnancy to elicit Master
Chen's favours.
The plight of these sorrowful
by Jonathan Wong
A film script is almost
grabbed by the wrong
hands—it almost gets
censored. A class democratically selects which scripts
get financed. An independent who meddles with a
lost genre must find his own
funding. A university strike
halts the production of an
already-hexed film. An actor
gets hit in the head. It
sounds like Hollywood's
But the verisimilitude
rings too true for UBC film
In October, director
Jason Romilly submitted
his script for his $4,500
grade B, 11-minute feature:
The Adventures of Wanda
June and Her Sister's
"Somehow it got in the
wrong hands and was sent
to the head of the theatre
department," Romilly said.
"Whoever sent it was
concerned about certain
aspects ofthe script's content."
A trademark script line
would be "I put your sperm
everywhere; it looked like a sex
crime," he said.
"Die script had already been
approved by his class in September.
"Then [in October] faculty
discussed whether it was a
worthwhile project," he said.
Eventually, the incident
fuelled a debate on censorship at
UBC. When the smoke cleared,
the theatre head retained the
right to screen films but not
scripts, Romilly said. "[Faculty]
have final say over what goes
into POV [Persistence of Vision,
UBC's student film fest]."
Romilly said he rewrote his
script three times for faculty, but
each rewrite became increasingly
"I made it worse and worse,"
Romilly said.
Romilly finally returned to
his original script.
Marianne Picard's film
(untitled at press time) has been
strangled by production woes,
including the temporary disappearance of her film, and UBC's
strike, which halted editing and
may have dealt the film its coup
de grace.
Both Picard and cinematog-
rapher Beverly Young are
working feverishly to complete
their pretty film, originally
called Snow Dance, about a
young Native girl who finds
spirits. They are racing to submit
their film to POVs May 2 gala at
SUB theatre. POVs public
showing is May 8.
Independent director
Thor Andersen's financial blow
began in September, when he
became independent. The UBC
film school has a policy that
independents may not use its
equipment. Andersen's film class
of 15 decides which five scripts
become UBC film school projects.
Costs are then divided up
amongst each film's crew.
Andersen, who won a POV
sound-editing award for Subcoil
last year, has traditionally
adhered to non-cosmopolitan film
subjects—primarily primal.
His Cutthroat Woodchopper
script, however, failed to rank
in the top five. He has relied on
UBC Film Society for equipment, and he will have forked
out $5,000 when his 17-minute
film is completed. He is POVs
only independent director. YUK
YUK's comedian Barry
Greenfell plays the woodchopper.
The surprise production
fell into the hands of Shawn
Kathcart, director of Helen's, a
story of two poor people
reluctantly turned outlaws. His
film finished under budget,
costing $3,000 instead of $4,000
and only took four days to
shoot. Aside from his lead actor
getting hit by a fallen Coke
sign, "everything went smooth,"
he said. The actor just got a
bump on the head."
Lauren Davis and Keri
Young's 13-minute $5,000
romantic-comedy Puzzled is
POVs only co-directed and co-
edited film. "We're trying to go
against auteur theory," Davis
creatures is masterfully mirrored
in Zhang's bleak and lifeless
images of their environment and
austere haunting music. Chen's
living space is a twisted, mazelike fortress which envelopes the
characters, confining and
restricting them as does their
submissive way oflife. His far
shots alienate his characters and
emphasize the dominance ofthe
Chinese domicile.
Zhang artfully contrasts
drab and dreary tones with
brilliant flashes of red, reflecting
the mistresses only glint of hope.
If her lantern is lit, colour
radiates into her life.
In the end, Songlian rages
against the dying of her lantern's
flame. She is a rebel in her
society, enlightened, but inevitably doomed as the flames
Starting April 6th
Transit Service Changes for Spring
Extended routes, improved service, special summer service, schedule adjustments
and seasonal reductions are just some of the Spring Service Changes that will make
your transit travel easier and more efficient. Service will be adjusted on the following routes from April 6th:
#9     Boundary/UBC
Peak period service will operate to UBC
until September 1992.
Midday service will resume in September
Between April 6th and September 6th the
#9 service will be rerouted due to
reconstruction of the Broadway Bridge
between Commercial and Victoria.
#9 trips will route eastbound via
Broadway, Commercial Dr., 10th Ave.,
Victoria and Broadway, westbound via
Broadway, Grandview Highway,
Commercial Drive and Broadway. Minor
adjustments will be made to departure
times as a result of the detour.
Brentwood/Blanca Loop
Route will terminate at the Bianca Loop
until September 1992.
April 3,1992 FEATURE
Director attended violent school
by Jonathan Wong
BROTHER Kevin Short
once drove Robert
McDonagh home from baseball games. Brother Short,
called a "great guy" by his
students, got sent to prison
a decade later.
The priest recently spent three
months in prison for fondling a 14-
year-old student at an all-boys
Burnaby Catholic school and last
December, Short got sentenced to
four years in jail for fondling boys at
Mt. Cashel Orphanage in Newfoundland, his previous employer.
In 1983, violent sights repulsed
McDonagh—now 24—so much that
he left the Burnaby school. At least
five priests who taught there are now
in jail and a lay teacher owns a strip
"I saw one teacher grab the back
of a guy's head by his hair and
repeatedly smash his head against
the side of a metal door frame,"
McDonagh said. "Until he bled."
"There was also a Huss [sic]," he
said. "I don't know how to spell it,
but if someone was bad, the brother
pointed to the guy and said Huss.
Everybody had ten to 12 seconds to
run over and punch and kick the
McDonagh only discovered
Short's sexual abuse history in the
newspapers a year ago when an
unidentified classmate successfully
convicted him in court. Short had
fondled the classmate at age 14 while
driving him home from baseball
"Brother Short used to drive me
home from ball games," McDonagh
said. "I myself was never fondled.
But I was there."
McDonagh was so compelled by
his classmate's story that he decided
to make a $3,000 film called Touched
for UBC's Persistence of Vision film
festival on May 2. The film potently
peers at pictures of his real-life
classmates and dramatizes fictional
Peter's plight in court against
Brother Torsh who fondled him at
age 14.
The last name Torsh has the
same letters but scrambled," said
McDonagh who emphasizes his film
is "loosely based" on his classmate's
His message: the Catholic
Dustin Low plays Peter, a 14-year-old youth fondled by a priest in Touched, a six-minute
drama film "loosely based" on an incident at UBC director Rob McDonagh's elementary
school. The film premieres May 2 in Persistence of Vision, UBC's student film festival.
Church must address a problem it
"spread across the country from the
Newfoundland orphanage."
"This film is not an angry film,"
McDonagh said. "I'm not angry at
"I do not believe the man is a
"The two strongest instincts in
people are eating and sex. I believe
[Short's] actions came out ofthe
repression ofthe church on his
"I also want to be fair, there were
also some very dedicated teachers.
Brother Short was the most dedicated," McDonagh said.
"He was the most likeable teacher
of my youth. The principal even
stepped down because he thought he
could do a better job. This guy was a
super guy. He put on Aerosmith
during study session."
At the same time, McDonagh
emphasizes the trauma endured by
Peter in Touched.
Think of it—you had your first
sexual experience in an unnatural
way in a power relationship. What
does that do to a kid?
"If you tell somebody, you will
essentially have to change your
family's immediate environment. It's
an enormous task if you want to
challenge the church."
His lead actor David Nykl, a
Catholic, reluctantly accepted the
role. Nykl also attended the Burnaby
"I had gone to the same school
with him," McDonagh said. "But I
simply forgot him after I left.
"Last summer we auditioned for a
Fringe play. He was good and I was
really bad. We made the connection
that we had gone to that school
together, but then we parted ways.
"In September, the day my script
got picked by the class [for the festival] I thought about David. He's a
good actor, but I didn't know his last
name and I had no idea how to get a
hold of him.
"After driving home from school
down Broadway, I saw him in the
street and stopped and ran out and I
said I know you don't remember me,
but I need your phone number and
we're going to make a movie."
Red will have 10 minutes
more for breakfast
#31    Broadway Station/UBC
Seasonal Service will be adjusted from
every 15 minutes to every 30 minutes
Monday to Friday until September 1992.
#41   Joyce Station/UBC
Minor adjustments to AM and PM peak
period departure times.
#49   Metrotown Station/Dunbar Loop
Peak period service will terminate at
Dunbar Loop until September 1992.
#85   Downtown/UBC
Peak period express service will be
discontinued between downtown and UBC
until September 1992.
#480 Steveston/UBC
Peak period service will be discontinued
between Richmond and UBC until
September 1992.
How will these
changes affect you?
To find out more about how these Service
Changes will affect your route you can:
• Read the March 27 edition of
The Buzzer.
• Pick up new timetables, free of
charge, at public libraries, city and
municipal halls, chambers of commerce and Travel InfoCentres.
BC Transit^
Vancouver Regional
Transit System
April 3,1992
Come spend your sleepless nights
with us!
Ihe summer ZlByssey will Be
published once a wuk_during July
and August.
(Drop into SlfB 241%.
if you want to Ctam horu) to
product a newspaper.
Some comments from new staffers:
■It's organic!'
'Surreptitious and Sold.'
'Smaltgrten vegetables.'
'(More fun than a root canaf.'
'I Ulit it.'
This program offers a broad Liberal Arts program as an
alternative to a Major or Honours Program.
Applications are being accepted until May 31, 1992 for
September 1992.
For information and application forms, come to
The General B.A. Office, Buchanan C158,
or call 822-2595
H^ Varsity Theatre
celebrates new management
See the new capuccino machine!
Students enjoy half price Sundays!
Now you too can see the same quality films shown
at the Starlight and Park theatres close to campus!
 Members welcome!	
Temporary Reduction in Services in the
Fireside lounge Postponed One Week
Prior to the recent work stoppage, the Fireside lounge was
scheduled to commence a temporary reduction in services
April 16. Due to the work stoppage, the lounge will now remain open evenings until April 24.
Live Entertainment
(No Cover)
April 16
Marc Coloumbe -- a Fireside
lounge regular who does a mix of
original folk tunes, and '60s and
70s covers. 8pm
April 24
Water Poets — a folk/rock
quartet, recently featured at
the Winter Roots Music
Festival. 8pm
The Fireside lounge also offers pool, ping-pong,
dart and shuffleboard facilities to clients.
Patrons should remember thai the Fireside lounge will experience a
temporary reduction in services April 27 lo September 4.
at all the nights I stayed awake.
AUGUST     21
SEPT   EMBER      7      199J
The Pacific National Exhibition is about to begin its annual recruitment drive for Fairtime
employees to work at this year's annual provincial Fair, August 21 - September 7,1992. The job
opportunities are vast and varied, including:
* ticket sellers
' waiters/waitresses
* tour train conductors
* patrol
* ground maintenance
* drivers
* hosts/hostesses
* pet and poultry
* & many, many more
There are over 1,500 positions waiting to be filled, ranging from $7.06 to $10.16/hour.
"The P.N.E. is you'n'me", and if you would like to join our team, please apply in person at our JOB
FAIR, where a listing of positions together with pay rates will be available:
Friday, May 8,1992
Saturday, May 9, 1992
10 a.m. - 7 p.m.
9 a.m. - 4 p.m
the trials
April 3,1992 for a little while.
\ -*
I looked back.
and slept away the mornings.
Offers pre-travel vaccinations, malaria prevention & health advice for
travelers to India, Pakistan,
South East Asia, Africa, and
Central ti South America.
across Canada!
No advance purchase
Maximum stay 1 year
Date changes for only $50
Oneway and return prices
Most major cities available
Visit The Student Travel Experts for full details:
Student Union Building, Lower Level
Canadian Universities Travel Service Limited
and tribulations.
GSS Annual General Meeting
Rescheduled to April 15
1. Introduction of Current of Incoming Executive
2. Adoption ofthe Minutes
3. Financial Statements
4. Report of the Auditor
5. Appointment of Auditor
6. Report from Council
7. Lounge Status Report
8. Other Business
9. Adjournment
In the Ballroom of the Graduate Student
Centre at 12:30 pm.
April 3,1992
THE UBYSSEY/11 vww'vvvvvj--jw)i,,"J'J5f"
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iii'iii.nij-m-i'i mfrafr
Lieutenant-governor asks students to cross bridges
by Margaret Lau
As we come to the close
of another academic year, it
is time for us*to reflect on
how we have gained from
our experiences at UBC. We
will leave UBC with the
knowledge that these experiences will benefit us in our
quest for a higher quality of
life, but that can only be realized when we learn to truly
appreciate those around us.
And no other spokesperson
is a stronger advocate of this
than BC's lieutenant-governor, David Lam.
Lam is BC's 25th lieutenant-
governor, the highest-ranking
government officer in BC, and the
first Asian in Canadian history to
be appointed Queen's Representative. The position is mainly ceremonial but does include powers
to intervene in government affairs
on behalf of public interest. Last
year, for instance, Lam announced
his intention to dismiss Vander
Zalm as premier following public
disclosure of Ted Hughes's report
that revealed the former premier
was involved in the sale of Fantasy Gardens.
But Lam is a gentle, soft-spoken, likeable man who is more
than a little humble. He is a self-
made multimillionaire who has
acquired a legion of friends and
supporters along the way. Yet, despite his long record of achievements, he refuses to become complacent. As lieutenant-governor, he
has persistently promoted the
subject of human relations as the
chief means of obtaining both personal happiness and career contentment.
Personal happiness, to Lam,
involves learning from the good
around you—in whatever shape,
colour, and size it may present
itself. This personal philosophy
came to him a few decades ago.
"I was a member ofthe Hong
Kong Rotary Club and there were
300-odd members. About one third
ofthe membership was Cantonese.
We felt, naturally, that we had a
group, [one] that I felt comfortable
with. Every time I went to a meeting, we sat together, talking
Cantonese, and enjoying ourselves.
But when I looked outside, there
were these 200 people of all nationalities whom I hardly knew. [I
realized] the loss was mine."
Thisrealizatdon promptedhim
to "break out from [his] own group
and cross the ethnic boundary.
"I am asking the Caucasian,
the mainstream Canadian, to make
a determined effort to cross their
[racial] boundary. And I am asking the minority in Canada to make
a definite effort to cross their
ways feel comfortable in your little
group. I don't want people to think,
'Okay, if I'm not multdcultured,
then I'm racist.' This is a connotation of guilt. That's negative
thinking," he said.
After his arrival to Vancouver
in 1967, Lam attended night school
at UBC for five years to obtain a
diploma in Real Estate Appraisal.
In addition to possessing a B A from
the Lingnam University in Canton (now Guangzhou), an MBA
from Temple University in Philadelphia, and a doctorate from a
New York university, he also studied advanced business management at Harvard Business School.
When he left Hong Kong in
1967 with his wife, Dorothy, and
their three young daughters, Lam
left behind a successful banking
career, many friends, and a record
of community service. Captivated
by the natural beauty of BC and
touched by the kindness of its
people, the Lams (who knew very
little English at this point) moved
to Vancouver without friends or
offers of employment—with only
$5,000.    •
The entire family initially
"But when I looked outside, there were these
200 people of all nationalities whom I hardly
knew. [I realized the] the loss was mine."
boundary, too.
"You don't just drift across.
You have to make a deliberate effort to cross over because you al-
settled in a one-bedroom suite.
After four difficult months of daily
job-hunting, Lam finally found
work as a real estate salesperson.
The AMS and the UBC President's Office have established a special procedure
specifically for strike-related complaints. Complaints will be processed by the
AMS Ombudsoffice. In addition to the regular avenues of dispute resolution
utilized by the Ombudsoffice, the University has appointed a senior faculty
member to assist Ombudsoffice staff in finding mutually acceptable solutions to
students' complaints.
If you believe that you are being treated in a manner which is unfair or prejudicial
as a consequence of the strike, you should discuss the matter first with your
professor, then with the head ofthe department in which the course is offered (or
his or her designated representative), and finally, with the Dean of the Faculty in
which the course is offered (or his or her designated representatives). For those
faculties with well-defined, established appeals procedures different from those
set out above, those procedures should be followed in place of the steps set out
above. If you feel particularly uncomfortable approaching your professor, the
department head, or the Dean directly, drop by the Ombudsoffice and alternative
arrangements can be made.
Once you have exhausted all the above avenues of resolution, and no satisfactory
solution has been reached, contact the Ombudsoffice at the number and location
listed below. An Ombudsoffice Caseworker will investigate your complaint, and
if it is determined that you have been treated unfairly or that you require assistance,
the Ombudsoffice, in conjunction with the senior faculty appointee, where
appropriate, will assist you in attempting to resolve your complaint. It you have
any questions about this procedure, please contact the Ombudsoffice for more
Student Union Building
Main Concourse
If no answer, please leave your name, number,
and the time of your call
All complaints are CONFIDENTIAL
Things were tough at first.
"It tore at my heart to come
home worn out in the evening to
hear my daughters ask if I'd made
a sale that day.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I did have a philosophy that I have always followed.
Get to know some good people and
Lam prefers to be an anonymous donor, but he believes the
publicity generated by charity of
this magnitude will inspire others
to give generously.
In the same spirit of generosity, students should perhaps try to
cross cultural boundaries. After all,
the act of respecting others unlike
Lam made it his priority to give money away,
at a rate of $1 million a year, through the
David Lam Foundation.
associate with them. Educate
By a stroke of luck, perhaps,
some of his business associates
invited him to join a new real estate venture. Thus began his meteoric climb up the corporate ladder.
When Lam retired from real
estate development in 1983, 16
years after his arrival in
Vancouver, his personal fortune
was estimated at $100 million.
Lam made it his priority to
give money away, at a rate of $1
million a year, through the David
Lam Foundation. After he accepted
his nomination to this province's
highest government seat, he increased his charitable donations.
Lawyer Blake Bromley,
who handles the Lam Foundation's
legal work, said Lam's official appointment as lieutenant-governor
necessitated the large donations.
"Because ofthe prominence of
his office, that public giving will
not be appropriate," Bromley said.
Large disbursements were
subsequently made to various
educational and cultural institutions in BC. UBC has been given
$1 million for the rebuilding of
Regent College (with $250,000 in
furnishings from another Lam gift),
another $1 million for the creation
of the David Lam Asian Gardens
(Lam is an avid hortriculturalist),
and most recently, a gift of $1 million to the establishment of the
David Lam Library (primarily to
promote the Asia-BC connection).
ourselves is no more than a gesture of civility.
"If they don't change [their
attitudes] now, they will very
quickly change when they are out
in the real world."
This is especially the case
given the increasing economic and
social ties between BC and Asia,
particularly Hong Kong. Lam is
aware cultural conflicts may
emerge as cultural assimilation
increases. He says the potential
for mutual gain is greater than
any kind of loss.
"The work ethic [of Hong
Kong] and entrepreneurial spirit
[of BC] are the best things we can
He urges both sides to work
together to promote the well-being
of all. Lam asks Canadians to recognize how difficult it is for new
Asian arrivals to overcome their
traditional shyness. He asks the
"Hong Kong Chinese" to abandon
the old philosophy of "I don't bother
you and you don't bother me" in a
new approach to cultural and social issues.
"A lot of students are torn between the pursuit of professionalism and the pursuit of something
that enriches the mind. The two
seem to go in opposite directions,
tearing [the students] apart. So, a
person who graduates with a doctoral degree in any kind of science
would [still] be an uneducated person but one who is well-trained. [If
a balance is not achieved, then] it's
a very poor life."
Job Link opens May 1st.
822-JOBS (822-5627)
9 am - 5 pm on all Buy Back dates
April 3,1992 NEWS
the, so*1*^
Register Now for
Superior Temporary Positions
Personal Computers • Filing Clerks • Typists
Intermediate/Senior Secretarial With PC Experience
Data Entry • Switchboard/Receptionist
Earn Top Dollar!
Call Anne McBain, C.RC.
#1128 - 1090 W. Georgia Street
Vancouver, B.C.
Students pay for AMS
"Hollywood" weekend
by Frances Foran
UBC students are notinvited
to the annual weekend bash for
the student council but they will
have to pay for the council's frolics at the AMS Whistler lodge.
The student council's annual
weekend orientation party in May
at the Whistler retreat is subsidized by the student-financed
AMS, said president Martin Ertl.
The theme of this year's party is
"The AMS goes Hollywood."
The orientation weekend in
May at the world-class resort is
free of charge for all guests including the executive council
whose wages for the summer were
raised to $2,284.60 a month last
Tuesday. Ertl said the guests of
the lodge can enjoy its Jacuzzi and
other amenities because "we [the
AMS] pick up the tab."
does not believe the AMS gala is a
small ticket item. The AMS sup
plies food and transportation, and
occupies the lodge for three days.
"In terms of lost revenues, the
cost could be up to $10,000," he
The 1991 AMS budget indicates expenses for the autumn
leadership conference, also a
weekend affair at Whistler, clear
$3,000. But Ertl said the May
Whistler retreat "doesn't really cost
that much" because AMS sponsors
offer their products at reduced
rates and some expenses are covered internally through the Pit
West called the annual Whistler gala "the biggest waste of
money for AMS hacks. It's really
an elite inner circle having a weekend party at the expense of students who pay AMS fees."
The Whistler lodge will undergo renovations next year courtesy of Whistler Mountain, Ertl
Interview time? Want to make a good first impression?
Pinstripes is the first store in
Vancouver to specialize in suits
for women. Our instore dressmaker guarantees a perfect fit at
no extra cost.
455    HOWE    STREET
(between Pender & Hastings)
Telephone: 683-7739
Monday - Saturday: 9:30 ■
Share the excitement ol
University Hospital's
third annual Pacific
Spirit Run. A 10km
run and 5km family
walk in Pacific Spirit
Regional Park
(formerly UBC
Endowment Lands).
Date: Saturday,
April 25,1992
Time: 9:00 a.m.
Place: East Mall near
16th Avenue, UBC Campus
University Hospital's
Pacific Spirit Run'92. All
proceeds to patient care
at University Hospital.
Lots of prizes for
runners and pledge
For more information
call the Foundation at
Fax this entry with
VISA or MasterCard
numher or mail/bring it
wiih cheque, payable to the
I 'niversity Hospital Foundation.
Pacific Spirit Run 92 Entry Form Date ,,f Birth
PreRe^tr.itmn 1 V.kllmc Apiil l^ili, -KOp.m.
One Person IVr Entry lonn ii' icam or family, scud ail cmn /.inn-- ti'tyr/k'jJ
Year Monlfi
U Male    □ Female      AKe on run day
Last Name
Event    lOKRunD   5KW.ilkD
Home Phone
First Nam*.'
Work Phone
Team/Company Nairn-
Free T-Shirt I .Am -i:c)
□          □          □          □ □           Waiver included  in race package
( InlJ   S           M          I \L         for pick-up on race Jay.
Registration           Adult ( 1nld U- and under)     KirniK
I'mil April li          □ S20 DjilS                              □ ¥60  l.2dld. _' JWdrcn
Alter April Ii         □ S2i D$1S                                           ,»-i.i'tilt, iJuUrciil
□ IVductSS per person il no T-Sln
tor Office Use Only
□ Cash □Che.iue DMo-ie, Order O Vis., □ MC
Card Numher
Card Expiry Date
Amount Enclosed
Cardholder's Signature
Please mail or fax this entry to:
University Hospital Foundation
4500 Oak Street, Room B2 West
Vancouver, B.C. V6H 3N1
Fax. 875-2643
April 3,1992
THE UBYSSEY/13 Make housing
UBC housing made a profit last year—a 1.5
million dollar profit.
There is a rational behind this. The money is
used to build new housing, like the Thunderbird
housing project to be constructed on B-lot next
At the same time, however, there are many
students living in residence who are paying up to
75 per cent of their income on housing. Many
low-income and foreign students (who often can
not get jobs due to immigration regulations) are
being squeezed out. As the rents go up, they are
forced to leave.
Student housing is meant to provide good
quality, subsidized housing for low income students. For many students, four months in the
summer is not enough time to earn the money
they need to live on through out the year.
Housing is one more strain on low-income
students which could be alleviated by the administration. Perhaps by using money from the
World of Opportunity fund raising campaign for
building student housing, the administration
could reduce its dependency on revenue from
student housing.
The noose is particularly tight around the
neck of students with children, and even more so
for single parents. In Acadia, the family housing
project at UBC, there are people who make very
good incomes and probably should not be living
there. However, we must look at those students
who are at the low end of the income scale.
These are the people who need subsidized
housing. Strict guidelines need to be put into
place to ensure that student housing is available
to those who need it the most and is not abused
by those who have the financial ability to stay in
more expensive housing off campus.
The Student Housing Department has submitted a budget to the Board of Governors which
assumes there will be no rent increases for Acadia
Park. However, the tenants ofthe residence fear
this will be ignored, especially in the light ofthe
recent tuition freeze. The fear is that rents might
•be jacked up to cover other losses.
Students must pressure the administration,
the Board of Governors and local politicians to
keep, or make, student housing affordable for
the students it is meant to serve.
Subsidized housing is a must for low income
the Ubyssey
April 3,1992
The Ubyssey is published Tuesdays and Fridays by the
Alma Mater Society ofthe University of British Columbia.
Editorial opinions are those ofthe staff and not necessarily those of the university administration, or of the
sponsor. The editorial office is Room 241K of the
Student Union Building. Editorial Department, phone
822-2301; advertising, 822-3977; FAX 822-9279
The Ubyssey is a founding member of
Canadian University Press
"// was a dark and stormy night," Carla Maftechuk said to the
assembled collective of Ubyssmals. "Ya, but we're inside," Helen
Willoughby-Price said,.."so it won't affect us," Hao Li added
finishing he sentence. 1 don't like big, bad stormy-wormies,"
Anthony Grieco, Nikola Marin, and Charles Nho sang in three-part
harmony. Ever since their difficult birth as identical triplets on a
dark and stormy night in the highlands of Bolivia they had spoken
in unison, and had hated big, bad stormy-wonnies.
"They're amazing," exclaimed Effie Pow. "Which are, the big,
bad, stormy-wonnies, or our three vivacious vocalists?" Victor
Chew Wong asked. "Both, but mostly the sensational singers,"
Andrew Martel responded. "Ya, we could make a million bucks off
them," Ellen Pond estimated "For the people's collective, of
course,' chimed in Marin Chester—not to be confused with mat
other Martin, who was recently elected to a despised position of
power, nor with the OtherMatthew who comes from some Other
Press somewhere else, nor even with that other Matthew, aka
Tigger. "Wow, there sure are a tot of Matthews around here,"
Tanya Paz said. "Martthews, Mattins everywhere, but not a drop
Paul Day*on • Sharon Undoros • Carta Maftechuk
Raul Peschlora • Efflo Pow
Photo Editor • Paul Gordon
O O.
BORIS * Built*^
He is an Arab
Mr. Eyal Lichtman
makes widely exaggerated
claims in his letter to the
editor, "He is an Israeli citizen." Hisletter in itself would
not even be worth responding to were it not for his
repetition of the latest Israeli/Zionist line that the
essence of the Arab-Israeli
conflict is the undemocratic
nature of the Arab regimes.
This claim is clearly a disingenuous hypocrisy since the
Camp David Accord formalized peace between Sadat's
Egypt (a non-democracy)
and Israel.
Democracy, much
needed by the Arab masses,
is a gradual process. In attempting to link it with the
peace process, hard-line Zionists hope to scuttle the
process, givingthem enough
time to further disenfranchise the Palestinians from
the occupied territories, and
toexpand Israeli settlements
there. This would make it
politically impossible for any
future Israeli government to
withdraw from these
terrtories. This will abort
any chance for a peaceful
solution in the Middle East
as the Arab masses will not
abandon the Palestinians
and their rights—whatever
is the stand of their reigning
As an Arab democrat, I
am opposed to the Arab regimes. But the same principles that lead me to oppose
those regimes are the ones
that make me oppose the
exclusionist nature of Zionism, as represented in Israel
(e.g. 92% of the land in Israel
is reserved by law for exclusive use by Jews; non-Jews
[read Palestinians] are not
allowed to buy nor even lease
that land).
If Mr. Lichtman's argument seems familiar, this is
because it is an echo of the
The Ubyssey welcomes letters on any Issue. Letters must be typed and are not to exceed 300 words In length. Content
which Is judged to be libelous, homophobic, sexist, racist or factually Incorrect will not be published. Please be concise.
Letters may be edited for brevity, but It is standard Ubyssey policy not to edit letters for spelling or grammatical mistakes.
Please bring them, with Identification, to SUB 241K. Letters must Include name, faculty, and signature.
one used by pre-reform
South Africa to justify its
treatment of Blacks. For the
same reasons that it did not
work there, one can hope that
it will not work on this issue.
No decent human being
would agree to less than
equality for the Palestinians,
and the restoration of their
rights including their right
to return to their homeland.
Mr Lichtman reminds
us of what Iraq did to Kuwait while ignoring that this
pales in comparison to Zionist crimes against the Palestinian people, who were
massacred and driven from
their homes. Michael
Palumbo's book The Palestinian Catastrophe: the 1948
Expulsion of a People from
their Homeland, based
largely on United Nations
observers' documents, provides testimony to the brutality in which the Zionists
drove the Palestinians (the
natives of the land) from
their homeland..
While reading Mr.
Lichtman's letter, the words
of Nathan Chofshi of
Herzlia—one of the pioneer
Jewish settlers in Palestine—flashed through my
mind "We came and turned
the native Arabs into tragic
refugees. And still we dare
to slander and malign them,
to besmirch their name instead of being deeply
ashamed of what we did and
trying to undo some of the
evil commited. We justify our
terrible acts and even attempt to glorify them."
Graduate student
Electrical Engineering
Get your 7 cents
Unfortunately, by writing this letter I am associat-
ingmyself with The Ubyssey.
As a matter of personal
policy, I try to avoid having
anything to do with this paper but the March 31 issue
forces me to say something.
I was under the impression
that the purpose of a campus newspaper was to report on campus events. To
the best of my knowledge, a
general political letter from
the MP for Burnaby-
Kingsway and stories dealing with local Montreal activities do not count as campus events. In addition, an
article about the joys of masturbating with vegetables
doesn't belong in any newspaper. Printing hateful and
libelous editorial letters is
irresponsible and supposedly against Ubyssey policy
yet one appeared on Tuesday. As a student funded
"newspaper" the Ubyssey
should represent students
impartially instead of wasting newsprint. Fm asking
for a little impartiality and
responsibility for my forced
monetary contribution.
Martin Fandrich
Mechanical Engineering
Co-opted and
I feel that I have to
speak. Lately I have had to
speak out in defence of my
chosen faculty and profession, more than I ever
thought Fd have to. I am a
female engineer. I wear red
(I even have a banned Lord
Godiva). And I am proud.
The engineers of the past
have done wrong. But we,
the new engineers, are the
future. There is no way that
all engineers can be sexist,
racist and homophobic. If
you are in engineering you
are part ofthe EUS, whether
you like it or not. If you don't
like it you have the opportunities to make it better, if
you want. Engineers do not
have common beliefs or
ideas, nor should we be expected to. I feel that the red
shows a unity, that does not
exist anywhere else on
campus. A spirit that can
grow past the past and into
the future if people would
quit trying to smother it and
set it back 20 years. I could
try and say more, but I hope
that i s not necessary and that
the student body judges
people and groups for
Christa Cormack
Civil Engineering
Women's Shelter needs a female
volunteer receptionist for Monday to Friday between 9AM and
5PM. Brush up on your
WordPerfect 5.1 and switchboard skills.
Lunch provided
Call Anne at 872-8212
April 3.1992 LETTERS
Preston is the
In his letter, "So young so
blinkered" March 3, Ryan Jayes
stated that he wouldn't respond to
criticisms of the Reform Party in
my Perspective of February 25
because they were so "irrational."
In paraphrasing Preston Manning
during his visit to UBC last term,
I attacked Reform's strategy of
constitutional negotiation, namely
that Quebec determine its needs,
English Canada its, and that we
then compare, keeping a country if
the proposals match. If Manning
wasn't speaking for Reform, perhaps Ryan could enlighten us as to
the party's position. Either way,
how is my criticism irrational?
Reform's ludicrous plan to consti-
tutionalize restrictive economic
requirements like a mandatory
balanced budget would be disastrous. I should think it irrational
not to criticize that. Manning's
reforms of Parliament undeniably
erode the concept of Parliamentary
democracy, leaving no coherent
system in its place—that is irrational! Ryan proudly proclaims
Reform's commitment to the
equality of ALL citizens. Why,
then, under a Reform government,
would a devout Sikh be unable to
be a Mountie? Because of his turban—real fair. Indeed, none of my
criticisms were irrational: they
were on the mark, and Ryan didn't
respond because he couldn't. I do
apologize for using as reference
Reform's "56 Reasons" and not their
"Blue Book." I didn't realize they
were inconsistent with one another. In brief response to Jed
^ Friesen's "That's right, positive..."
article in the March 3 edition, I
submit that Reform's success is
due less to its platform and more to
the disillusionment people have
with the main parties. I agree that
we need a new approach to Canadian politics, but I vehemently
disagree that that approach should
be a way of Reform. My original
article is an objective and fair critique of the Reform Party, and I
invite all to consider it.
Emmet Duncan
Arts 2
We're just slaves
There is an ongoing problem
with regards to the employment
standards and employee treatment
in the AMS Arcade. Because ofthe
AMS Management set-up, the
employees, the students, have no
where to take their complaints.
The employees ofthe AMS Arcade
have paid dearly for this. Instead
of work being a pleasure and experience, itisaNIGHTMARE!!! This
is why:
1) Job security is threatened-
-one example: the employees were
told that they woul d not have a job
if they didn't cross picket lines
during the strike;
2) Employees are not always
told the same rules and policies;
policies are forever changed;
3) Employees were told that
the phones were taoped and that
the front counter was next;
4) Rules set are not followed-
one example: the employees receive
written warnings oefore verbal
~>) Accusations axe -nade immediately without any oroof-we
are used as escape goats for neglect;
V Employees are spied on ,n
order to catch them "'■socializing" or
making a mistaKe
""i Employees oerformances
have been discussed with other
8) Access to all employee files
fias seen allowed to those with no
right to see them.
These are >nly a few af the
problems in the AMS Arcade. Although many have complained
about this lack of professionalism
and neglect, the problems still exist today. Due to the above, the
students suffer. It is a shame that
the students of the AMS Arcade
are the ones to pay the price for the
lack of professionalism, mistakes
and neglect. It is even more of a
shame that the only way to escape
this pathetic, environment is to
have to quit. This has been going
on for four years plus and is sure to
continue unless immediate action
is taken to correct the problem. My
question to all the students out
NO!!! The students must pull together and fight this employment
standards problem and employee
treatment problem--DO NOT apply to work there, DO NOT go to
the AMS Arcade, BOYCOTT it,
andcomplain to the AMS Business
Office regarding any problem, no
matter how small or how large.
I left due to a discrepancy of
securityfor which I wasmadecarry
the blame despite having many
times in the past called attention
to the matter, of which nothing
was or had been done and is
probably not to this moment to
rectify it. As a result, I have to pay
the price for neglect. The turn-over
rate of employees is phenomenal
because of this ongoing problem.
Please supportyour fellow students
in the AMS Arcade so changes can
be made. This affects you too..
Cathie Beavidin
Arts 3
Writer responds to
Having read the latest copy of
EUS's red rag titled UBYSSEX, I
feel obliged to respond that:
1. The reason 1 called the AMS
meeting a "scab meeting" is that
AMS, by keeping the SUB open
during the strike, was in effect
scabbing. CUPE criticized the /lMS
right from the beginning for scabbing.
2. By "EUS members" I mean
those students that are decidedly
active in the EUS not those who
are "automatically" ranked in the
EUS despite its history of bigotry
and discrimination.
3. The EUS DOES have a political stance. Executive meetings
ofthe EUS and events were held
behind the picket lines. The EUS
therefore betrayed the workers and
effectively took sides with the UBC
admin. This is a clear political
4. BradHowthorn claims that
the whole of his class crossed the
picket lines and that "Evidently
some specific Electrical students
(Siavash) deem their education not
so important.'' Now is this a neutral stand? Brad is clearly saying
that students who supported the
campus workers have no regards
for their education. Even the UBC
admin has not dared to make such
a comment—full of political bias.
3. Brad »oes on to attack the
"politically correct." This is an attack agai nst affirmative acti on an d
the restrictionofhatefuI iitera* >-e
in university -ampuses <n the jS
andCanada. Itisanattacrtagainst
al! the gains chat the oppressed
majority—women, gays and lesbi -
ans, visible minorities—in these
societies nave gained through years
of struggle "lie campaign against
the oojiticaliy correct" s -amed
through oy he most ight-wing
academics and politicians m his
*raof"new world order Theweii
<nown leroes of the campaign
against the politically correct" are
David .Duke, he former grand
Wizard of 'he KKK, and Preston
Manning the leader ofthe Reform
Party of Canada, and now Brad
Hawthorn the editor ofthe red rag.
Finally, In the seven years of my
studies at UBC I do not recall one
multicultural event sponsored by
.mM ** *
the EUS—despite the fact the visible ethnic minorities comprise the
majority in most engineering departments. Also, there is not a
single ethnic representative in the
executive committee ofthe EUS. I
wonder why!!!
Siavash Alamouti
Graduate Studies/EE
Croatians are
warm and cuddly
Therecentarticle "Flashpoint:
Croatia, anti-semitic tradition refuses to die" (February 4, 1992)
was brought to my attention. In
reading this article one may get
the impression that the entire
Croatian population has maintained some sort of fascist, anti-
semitic outlook on life.
Perhaps there is one question
to ask and that is how many nations
in the world that survived the
trauma of World War II maintain
this image.
However, I must comment on
some incongruous statements
made by Mr. David Chivo in his
summary of what the situation in
Zagreb is like. I have recently returned from Zagreb and I would
like to comment that when Mr.
Chivo descries that one can "go to
downtown Zagreb (Croatia's capital) and buy Ustascha publications
including audio and video cassettes
and pictures of former Ustascha
leader Ante Pavelic" I wouldlike to
know where Mr. Singer went as
this is simply not the case.
Mr. Chivo focuses strictly on
the Jewish problem yet genocide is
an international problem that has
been inflicted upon many nations
and religious groups.
As I'm not a nistorian it would
oe inaccurate of me to proceed and
cite specific examples. However, I
can comment on the genocide that
las occurred to the Croatian people
at the conclusion of World War II
for which the allies were directly
■•esponsible and that is Bleiburg.
n an article written sailed The
tQagenfurt Conspiracy one asks
vtiat form of rresoonsible mter-
lanonal behaviour was the return
if hundreds-of-thousands of
>oatians fleeing communism to
he communist regime.
Otis is h little tnown fact in
-he world and one. hat appears,
the majority of historians, politicians and others continually attempt to down-play.
The Croats after May 1945,
along with Slovines and other
-jtnnic groups from Yugoslavia,
were lied to and returned to the
hands ofthe communist govern
ment that proceeded to slaughter
them all.
Perhaps one should then ask
what is the world definition of
genocide, who is right and who is
wrong. Although I have supported
the Jewish movement and share
in the horror and agree that the
results of the Holocaust should
never be forgotten, I'm afraid that
it is simply not just a Jewish issue.
Kathy Matak
Society for Peace
Article rubs the
wrong way
This letter is in response to
your feature article in Tuesday,
March 31, 1992 issue of The
Ubyssey entitled "Doin' it right:
one woman's quest for orgasm."
I was extremely offended,
embarrassed and upset to see such
an article printed in The Ubyssey.
The campus as a whole is concerned with women's rights, pay
equity, sexual harassment and
many other issues involving
women and articles like this merely
mock women! I think perhaps with
the recent strike and other issues
surrounding campus, there would
have been many other more interesting and suitable topics!
This article was inappropriate for a campus newspaper! If a
women really did write this article
(which I find hard to believe), she
should seek counselling.
I am terribly disappointed in
someone's judgement that would
see this article fit for printing.
Clean-up your act!!!
St. John at UBC
On behalf of the University of
British Columbia Detachment of
St. John Ambulance Brigade, I
wish to announce the establishment of the detachment on campus.
The UBC detachment of St.
John Ambulance Brigade is a vol-
mtary first aid unit run by students and faculty members currently attending UBC. Moreover,
this detachment, is the only existing St. -John Ambulance Brigade
unit which is run on an university
campus. The primary mandate of
the detachment is to provide first
aid service to all campus activities
organized by the university or by
UBC students. If your group requires first aid coverage in any of
your scheduled events, you are
welcome to contact the detachment
one month prior to the date ofthe
event for arrangement of availability. For more information on
this first aid service, please contact Mr. Joseph Ip at 325-2287 or
Mr. Les Kirchner at 738-8944.
Thank you for your attention to
this matter.
Les Kirchner
St. John Ambulance Brigade
UBC Detachment
Hmrnm ...
I like being a woMAN. I completely agree with Mrs. Sue
Chatwin and disagree with Dianne
Rudolf (Ubyssey, Mar.31). Changing the word to wimmin or womyn
is absolutely ridiculous. Right now
women are trying to make the world
understand that we are equal to
men and that we should therefore
be given the same rights and privi-
legesasmen. Changing the spelling
doesn't help this equality problem
because no matter what vowels are
placed in the word woman (womyn,
wimmin, wemmin, wymon, etc.),
these feminists can not take away
the origin ofthe word. The fact is
it came from MAN and everyone
knows it.
Why do we have to change
ourselves anyways? Instead of
women being equal to men, why
can't men BE EQUAL TO women?
If womyn-feminists want to take
away men's influence over language, then take away their power.
Take away their existence by
changing the definition of MAN. If
womyn/wimmin are going to insist
onchangingvocabulary, doitprop-
erly. Make men into say, zomen
and zemales, man into zoman. Now
no zoman or woman shall take
dominance i n the English language.
Man becomes a generic word for all
people and words like human,
workman etc. refer to no specific
gender. Best of all, we are now
"equal" because zemales and females share the same word.
Unless the definition of man is
removed or a completely new word
is invented for women, I see no way
womyn/wimmin can camouflage
the origin of the word. It doesn't
make us equal, it maKes us different, it does n't make a point, it hides
a fact, and it doesn't change the
world, it makes people iaugh. So
this is my silly proposal until
womyn/wimmin can think more
effectively: I am WOMAN; hear
ME roar.
Alisande Mui
April 3,1992
to drink," the Three sang forth in perfect
harmony. "We could make at least a
million, and I could write their first review, "Greg Davis told anyone who would
But the anarchists in the corner
weren't having anything to do with these
capitalist quislings. "No way, they won't
sell out like that," Paul Dayson stated
authoritatively, yetcollectively. "Righton,
fuck the state," Dianne Rudolf shouted,
left fist raised defiantly to the ceiling.
"Fuck the state, Fuck the state, Fuck the
state," Paula Wellings started the chant
while Yukie Kurahashi handed the radical faction fashionable black gloves.
"Make your statement, but do it with
style,' she said. "Okay, I'm totally for
fucking the state, but can't we do it in an
environmentally friendly manner," Graham ColCam added eco-inindedly as he
looked apprehensively at the "leather"
glove. "Is this real leather?" asked Lucho
van Isschot. "Did poor, fuzzy, cuddly,
little animals have to die for our rebellion?" Ela3ine Griffith questioned, her
arched eyebrows forming a perfect, horizontal.
"Wow, this would make a great
screen play," Matthew Johnson said to
Karlyn Koh, hugging Michael Gazetas,
Bill Denham, and Martina Scarffin the
process. "Great idea, I'll do the computer-aided graphics for it," Yggy King
offered from beneath his wondrously
curly, golden locks. "Can I play the part of
a gypsy—I already have the costume?"
Mike Coury asked. "Wearing rags and
feathers from the Salvation Army
counter," the three sang out beautifully.
"And I'll organize a conference next year
to promote it," Sage Davies promised.
"Honest Nadene, I promise," he promised.
"We're all set then," Yuri Fulmer
said. Behind him Jana Dionne, Charlie
Gillis, Jan Forcier, and Gerry Johnson
nodded their collective agreement, not
ing, of course, that they only nodded as
individuals, not for the Collective as a
whole. "And if it wasn'ton our boycott list
17 times, I could get my family's company to sponsor the film," Robert
MACDONALD said. "Well, wecouldhave
a three hour impromptu meeting to discuss it and come to consensus," Don
Mah suggested. "And I'll cover the meeting, ' Mark Nielsen offered. "I like writing
about in-house politics.'
"Let's just make the film, already,"
Chung Wong said. "Okay, but it had
better have lots of Dykes in it," Nadene
Rehnby stated very firmly. "And at least
three perspectives, with quotes," Sharon Lindores," reminded. "And lots of
uniforms with nice shiny buttons,"
Johanna Wickieadded. "Butonlyifthey're
black on black," Ted Young-lng proclaimed, "it's all I wear." "That's it,
radicalize the wardrobe,"Francis Foran
shouted from the anarchist corner.
wall, beneath a bright canopy of indigo
night, Raul Peschiera espoused eloquently that he desired to pen the dialogue. "I desire to pen the dialogue,"he
said eloquently. SharleneAzam, Steven
Chan, Graham Cook, Sara Patton, Morgan Maenling and Terrie Chan all voted
in agreement. But it failed to pass as they
were only six and everyone knows you
need seven for quowm. Cheryl Niamath
abstained citing a "conflict of interests."
Meanwhile, Rebecca Bishop, always the traveller, sat on a bus, somewhere, talking to some Other person
from some Other place about all The
Ubyssey's dark and stormy nights, not
knowing that Tabe Johnson, Joanne
Nelson, Sky Anderson, Melissa Lemieux,
Girma Jemal, andAbby Fitch were also
on the bus and would bring her wild
stories back to the Ubyssmals. The tall-
tales would neatly fill the film's sordid
Inadisorganizedmass, RickHiebert
- Brian D. Johnson, MACLEAN'S MAGAZINE
A year in the life of five 16 year old girls...growing up in the 90s.
.0^s A BACK ALLEY />,„
o*iCry    ■ «' DEBORAH PARKS . editor S^^  ^
Vt5/c^*0W DAVIS, sound toiio. SUn ^
showed Laurel Bischoff, Jennifer
Charbonneau, Ellen Antoine, RajSihota
and others the way to the film studio.
Halfway there, Chris Lasko, BerniceMa,
and Lynne Jorgeson were whippedaway
on the whirling winds into the dark and
stormy night. "Oh my god, they're gone
forever, "Martina Scarf! exclaimed. "They
can't be gone, they've got the Letters
Page." "Ha, ha, ha,"a distant voice from
the far north chuckled, "be frightened,
but do not worry. No one ever escapes
The Ubyssey."
It was only when the survivors finally reached tte studio that they realized how right the distant Crow's voice
really was. Somehow—while braving
the shadowy dangers of the dark and
stormy night, all the while haunted be the
melodious voices of our Bolivian Triplets
and the forboding warnings of that distant, northern voice—they had wandered
in circles back to the Ubyssey. They had
not escaped.
Lounging around the loungeful
Ubyssey lounge were Sandy Bucifal,
Mark Chester, Suzanne Johnson, Tim
Crumley, Marsha Kierkegard, and Ken
Hegan. "So you've returned," Diya
Nijhouse said. 'YES, THANKS TO
MICHELLE," the whole Collective
shouted in unison. "I just want to thank,
thankyoubaby... "the threebeatific voices
sounded out from their raised pedestal in
the comer. "Me, what did I do?" Michelle
Mason asked. "No, no, not you. Michelle
the Muffin Queen," Nicole Sadinsky and
Hamish Wilson answered. "She took care
of us when we were starving." "Umm,
ummm, ummm," Stephani Cameron,
Hiroshi Earle, Dawn Clements, Gay
Jatsby, and Wayne Kwan, mumbled
through crumb-covered lips.
"They're certainly not going to be
much help," Johanna Gislanson said
disparagingly. "But at least they'll make
a good audience," Yau Soon Loo countered. "Ya, and everyone knows that
every successful film needs an audience, " Nigel Porter said. 'Just think of
the millions we can make," Patrick
McLouglin and Phil Zirkwitz dreamed.
"But, I wanna be in the audience," Doug
Ferris whined. "Me too, me too, "Adrienne
Copithorne, HaraldGravelsins, and Rose
Anne Prokopetz chimed in sickeningly
sweet, apple-pie voices.
"What's all this shit about films, and
audiences, millions of blood-soaked
bucks, and such crap," the radical spirit
of Keith Leung called out in a people's
protest from the midst of an anonymous
Black Block somewhere in East Berlin.
"That's right, fuck this million bucks thing,"
Lisa Tench shouted. "Let's stand-up for
our collective rights," Cheryl Niamath
added. "Out of the office and onto the
streets. Out of the office and onto the
"So I guess thafs it then, no more
film, no more millions. Oh well, in that
case, I'm off to Paris to see my sister,"
Karen Young said, a certain tone of
dismissal in her voice. "Do you mind if I
come?" Graham Coleman asked hopefully.
"What about me?" Jilena Cori
pleaded from where she sat in front of
the IBM clone editing, and re-editing,
and re-re-editing her piece. Beside her
our dear Martin had died a premature
death—the cause: excessive helpfulness. "Goodbye sweet prince," Kelly
Winston soliloquied from the feet of our
crumpled Hamlet.
"Great shot. Print it and crop it to
size," Paul Gordon said moving in from
where he was poised behind his ever
present camera. "That's a wrap."
"Yes, thafs a wrap, now put it to
bed, "the distant voice of Franka Cordua-
von Specht echoed down from the frozen wastes of Old Crow.
And so the troubled, misunderstood
spirit of The Ubyssmal rolled over and
went to sleep at the end of another
productive year while the hauntingly harmonious sound of three singers shifted
through the dark and stormy night.
-ft-fr FRIDAY, APRIL3,1992
il   JPJ*.
they have a replace
ment for new Calgary
Quarterback Doug
Floopy... NFL Hall of Famer
tfto, we
think that
he would
add a new
off knowledge and
to the team...and he can be
had for one thousandth of
what Floopy was asking for,"
said Leos coach Bill
, The 92 year old
/Vheelwalker played for the
Scranton Tomcats in the
sarly Twenties and
D'Bobovich insists that he is
"spryer than ever now that
fe has had his hip replacement surgery."
^After all, didn't George
Blanda play when he was
brty...that means that
Wheelwalker would be twice
as good."
Other Leos prospects at
0B include former national
Tory leader Robert
By the way...Sump sports
reporter Gary Kingsize was
not scooped by The Province on the Floopy signing.
■■He was really ready to write
on it, if he had heard of it
and there hadn't been a
buch of O.K. Tire ads to
place on that page.
Sports fans are still
Rocked at the kidnapping of
the University of Washington
football team by three UBC
engineering students earlier
this week.
„v-The 90 players disappeared Wednesday during
►tfce halftime show of the
annual Homecoming game
against Eastern Southwest
Texas Technical Teachers
^"The prank dates back to
the total non-reaction of the
American campus to the
theft of the football team's
Rose Bowl trophy this
winter. An Engineering
student said, "Yeah, when
-file TV cameras went away,
we got lonely, you know,
arid our new public relations firm advised me that if
I were to keep up the
demand for my appearances on American talk
"Snows, we'd have to do a
really spectacular stunt."
r University of Washington
assistant athletic director
Chip Stickum said, "If those
engineers don't watch out,
we will get really upset.
We really will."
Fashion consultant
spring has certainly sprung,
and we all know
what that means...time to buy
clothes for fall and winter! But
neverfeardear reader, if youjust
happen to be a fashion failure
and have neglected to purchase
your spring and summer clothing during the fall and winter, I
can help you.
This week a spectacular fashion show in Paris presented the
newest lines of tweed and wool
pants. A revamp of last year's
lodgewear—down ski pants—
flourished as never before. Geometric sweaters designed by
Acute Angle tumbled about the
runway, as very mode moonboots
reincarnated on the fashion scene.
If you are naturally gifted in
fashion sense, like myself, I know
you must be salivating by now. I
pray you are alone.
Nonetheless, we must remember you are presently a disaster
of astronomic proportions just
waiting to happen. What ever
shall you wear for the spring and
summer season?
I know at this moment a few
of you are tempted to betray your
vow to fashion superiority, and
shop retail. But remember, purchasing what is available, reasonably priced, and seasonable,
is deplorable if it doesn't have a
designer label.
At this present time Jean-
Charles do Castelbajac, Johji
Yamamoto, Paco Rabanne, and
Barbara Bui have created fall
and winter clothes. And thus,
dear fashion slaves, it is our
bound duty to buy, buy, buy wool
pants and sweaters.
So dear reader, what are you
ever to do with designer down
pants in July?
I suggest that you locate apair
of scissors and a role of masking
tape. In the still of the night,
when all possible fashion police
are resting in haunts unknown,
sneak into your closet with a
flashlight. Chop madly the legs
of your ski pants to a decent
length for shorts.
Don't forget to consider what
short length is best for your
Then, mend the ends of your
newly created designer shorts
with the role of masking tape.
Leave your closest like nothing
You can do the same with
sweaters, long skirts, and even
If you are still finding the
summer a tad bit warm, I must
admit that desperate times do
call for desperate measures.
Hair is one of the body's
methods for holding in heat.
Women can look very attractive with less hair. The final
fashion solution for an initial
faux pas of not buying your
spring and summer clothing in
the fall and winter is simple:
shave your head.
What's Cookin'
■ ^  I    almalgamotion
m/ \t      ofthe two papers
f    f comes this new
feature, What's Cookin'.
Originally, we intended to
have Arch and Cookie write a
column together, but we found
these two legendary sports thinkers could not agree in time to
meet their deadlines. Our solution is simple: we will merely
record and transcribe the discussions they hold daily in the
Pacify Press lunchroom. We
hope you enjoy these lively exchanges, and here's to a new,
refreshing approach to publishing sports opinion.
COOKIE: Bullshit those aren't
your doughnuts, you glutton,
they' re for all of us. Just because
you're the oldest fart in the building doesn' t mean you get everything in the trough. You're not
recording right now, are you?
ARCH: You sound like the
kind of guy who would side with
the players in this strike. Listen,
little wind-bag upstarts like you
signify the demise of the entire
industry of professional hockey,
Bullshit those
aren't your
doughnuts, you
and I won't stand for it.
COOKIE: Oh, please! You're
not going to go on your "I was
here back when Gordie Howe
and Ted Lindsay founded the
player's union and ruined the
league" routine, are you? Good
God, McRonald. No wonder they
had you writing abouthighschool
badminton all the time. You're as
old as the Stanley Cup. And let
me tell you, I don't intend to let
you print any of that stuff about
talking to Foster Hewitt's ghost,
friend of mine, and I'm just glad
he's back. I knew this was never
going to work, because you just
don't appreciate that F ve had my
thumb on the pulse of B.C. sports
for so much longer than you have.
COOKIE: Someone should put
a thumb on your pulse. You look
like you're about to have a coronary.
ARCH: I'm warning you,
Gilltwist, I have the influence to
make your life very miserable in
the Vancouver sports community.
COOKIE: What are you going
to do? Hit me with a cream-filled
ARCH: Bernie Pastel happens
to be a friend of mine, you know.
Icould have done a little editorial
spot about your drinking problem.
ing problem!
ARCH: You drink, you get
drunk, you fall down...
treading on thin ice. Besides I
could do my own TV spot about
that mg Pastel wears on his head.
It's horrible.
ARCH: I'll'have you know
that every hair on Bernie's head
is perfectly natural.
COOKIE: Natural what? Mink
Today's column ends here, as
Arch threw a bundle of floppy
disks at Cookie's head and the
two had to be broken apart by
security guards. Sometime next
week we hope to square them off
on the subject of Eric Lindros.
Tickets will be available at all
Ticketmaster outlets.
Hopkins eats
his Oscar
Puffy Entertainment
Gossip Reporter
Actor Anthony Hopkins, who
won Best Actor at the Academy
Awards earlier this week for his
role as a cannibalistic mass-murderer in the movie The Silence of
the Lambs, has eaten his Oscar.
"I ate its liver with a delicious
hollandaise sauce," Hopkins said
before making a sucking sound
and wiggling his tongue. He allegedly lost three teeth in the process.
Friends say the British-born
actor has had trouble breaking
out of his role as Hannibal "The
Cannibal" Lector— a psychiatrist who ate his victims.
"Yeah, Andy really gets involved, but I think he got a little
too involved this time," said Jody
Foster, who won Best Actress for
her role in tae movie.
"Everytime he asks me out to
dinner, he starts laughing uncontrollably. Needless to say, I'm
staying the hell away from that
Meanwhile, Los Angeles police have been looking into a disappearance of a large number of
dogs, cats andmen who wear size
14 in the Beverly Hills area.
"We haven't been able to develop much of a case yet, but we
believe Mr. Hopkins may know
something about this,'" said constable Bob Nightstick.
Hopkins is not the only actor
who has been unable to leave his
role once away from the movie
set. With every successful movie
he has made, Leslie Nielsen has
become increasingly annoying to
friends and family.
"Airplane Ten was a great
money-maker, but nobody wants
to work with Leslie anymore because he's such a goof," said agent
I.M. Slime. "Now, not only is he
a lousy actor, but he's a fully-
certified pain in the ass."
And after having played so
many characters with accents
ranging from Danish to
Bantonese, Meryl Streep' s speech
has become almost impossible to
"She can't even ask someone
to pass the salt and pepper without using sign language," said
her agent, I.M. Slimier.
But there is hope. After years
of driving around in a yellow
1969 Chrysler without any pants
on—largely because of his role
as a loner cabbie in the movie
Taxi—Robert De Niro sought
psychiatric help.
although he now barks like adog,"
said Ricky Brainmeister, a therapist with the Betty Ford clinic for
the performance-insane. "I understand he's in the running for
the next Lassie movie."
Hopkins, meanwhile, will be
admitted into the clinic this week
where he'll be under heavy sedation and kept far away from any
knives and forks. 'She^anampErSump
Praidente and Omnipotent Publisher
IAN HO-HUM Eddie-in-Chief
MIKHAIL McMAN Execution Eddie
Eddie page
AL MacSILLY-PUTTY Wori Aj»oci»naB Eddie
■ft-fr FRIDAY, APRIL 3,1992
Publication Mail Registration No. 0000
The shape
of things to
MERGING THE impotent Vancouver Sump with the
flaccid Provincial to create a completely
compastable newspaper has been a dream of mine
for many of my past lives.
After years of debate and discussion with my mentor and
spiritual advisor, Nardwuar the Human Serviette, I have managed
to achieve what will surely drive the last nail into the coffin of the
anais of journalism.
Gone are the days and nights when one paces one's floor,
disturbed by an international or local story published by Pacify
Press. Our retrained staff is now completely committed to the
mandate and niceties of User-Friendliness.
The Vancouver Sump's new agenda requires us to answer to
YOU, THE CONSUMER. Our collective hand is cupped to our
collective ear in order to collectively listen to what YOU, THE
CONSUMER, collectively wants to hear.
Let us take you along on a journey through todays world
events. Only yesterday, a glance might cause discomfort or even
heart fibrillation. All those neurotic reporters worrying and
complaining. Now, you can be certain to be reassured. It's really
not so bad after all.
Just think, as you thumb through our fashion pages, no more of
those troublesome decisions to make. What do I wear this season?
Will people laugh at me? Just follow our fashion editor's helpful
directives to the letter and you'll be sure to be inoffensive.
Let us keep you up to date on your fate in our features section,
as you wisely plan your day according to the planetary movements. Every day is a good day with Swill Fullscum.
Yes indeedy, the Vancouver Sump's new format will lull and
soothe you. We make it our business to quash any fermentive
thought that might disturb your freshly-laundered cerebrum.
Looking forward, the next major advancement occurs January
of 1993. The tabloid format presently in use will be streamlined
into a five inch tubular roll. The newsprint currently in use will be
replaced by three-ply Soft and Fluffy in order to maximize
sensory pleasure.
A time for change
SOUTH AFRICA voted "Yes." This is a good step for a
country torn apart by racial tensions and bigotry. The
issues the people of this African nation have to deal
with are complicated. There are many sides to be
considered before anything can happen. Only with effort from
both sides will they succeed. We wish them luck and hope.
Same legislative crap,
different shovelers
THE MORE things
change in Victoria, the
more they stay the
same. Except when
they are different.
The Opposition are attempting,
foolishly, to bring the NDP down
with the silliest questions and appeals in the legislature.
Take for example the question
of backbencher Ferd Schmidlap.
He asked "Is it true that the
Honourable Minister of Politically
Correct Moral Pretension has accepted a bribe of a lifetime supply
of Birkenstock sandals in exchange for a total rewriting of the
NDP platform and a case of Jolly
Rancher candies?"
Sure, it made everyone else in
the Press Gallery run out and investigate the story, but I, who
have seen them all come and go,
sat Buddha like in the room, contemplating the wider issues of our
1. Would a tree make a noise if
it fell on a member of the IWA?
2. Why is there air?
3. Whither Harry Rankin?
The Liberals are really adept at
grandstanding. Sure, Gordon
Whineson may have been able to
make six cabinet ministers resign
due to pointed questions in the
legislature, but is that the "dignified idea-filled discourse" that they
promised the voters of BC in the
last election?
I mean, I wanted to hear debates on the future philosophical
direction ofthe people of this province, not that cheap political cage
match that the legislature usually
is. I want to hear about marketing
boards. I want to hear about the
second subamendment to change
the punctuation for the motion to
revise the 1917 Poultry and Husbandry Workers Act.
Why does the Liberal Opposition continually hector the Government? I mean, certainly there
was the $23 million entry under
"Stuff we want to keep to ourselves" in Glen "Scrooge"
McDuck' s first budget last week,
but isn't that a small problem? I
mean, that is the sort of mistake
that any rookie government can
make. Even the NDP.
Anyway, after sifting out the
political wheat from the chaff and
keeping the chaff, I can con??
dently predict what the NDP government will do.
We'll see a lot of good things,
some bad things, some unconscionable things, some politicSt"
errors, some political masterstrokes, some gaffes, some point*!
barbs and otherpolitical type stuff
that you see in columns like mine.
On a brief note, I must apologize to the readers for several errors that crept into my last colurrDi --.
during the editing and layout process. -«
The seventh paragraph should
go where the twelfth paragraph
went and all uses of "good" in the
column should have read "bad."
"Premier Mike Hardcore is an,
evil, demonic succubus from the
fiery depths of Hell" was a typa. *
Neighbour of the Beast
I would like to complain about
your Satan Weekly column. I feel
that the devil, who of course remains the supreme being, writes
just a small bit one-sidedly. I
know Satan must spread the message, and that the Vancouver
Sump is the best way of accomplishing this end, but perhaps
other issues could be taken up for
consideration at some time in the
What I am getting at is the
current lack of concern over songs
to be sung at both satanic and
pagan rituals. If a group of worshippers could just get together
and make a good effort, Fm sure
we could come up with quite a
If Satan could address this issue in an upcoming column, we
could have so many new
songbooks!' For those who are
looking for inspiration on their
own, I would recommend the
book I Was a Teenage Heretic.
Thanks for the free ad space.
Vander Slam VI—Return of the Maiigned Hero
I would like to say, just one thuigbadandthatiamavictimof
mor*! time, to all oi th« people the media,
who live in this fins province, BILL VANDER SLAM
tSwt 3& leader ot 'his fine pro-/- Fantastic  fartdr.i
inc*-., 1 never, ever, ".ver did any [£<< note; bzz. bzzi
You still won't win
the Most-Upbeat-
Canadians award
DESPITE popular
belief, Atlantic
Canadians are
not pessimistic but
simply realistic. When
asked if the glass is half
empty or half full, we say
'We just plain don't like
the glass.' I mean, sure,
unemployment rates
have been consistently
high bu>: Prince Edward
Island is flourishing due
to the popularity of Anne
j or Green Gables (God
i  bless- her)
We are currently
working on the problems
of the Island slowly
sinking into the ocean,
and the fact that our
youth are being drawn to
major urban centres and
our discos are shutting
down, destroying our
dreams of a Xanadu
revival. We wili survive!
Merger rumour is not true
Rumours currently going
around the Pacify Press building
that The Sump and The Provincial are going to merge are untrue.
Yes, we did lay off over 2,000
workers yesterday, but that is
purely a seasonal layoff and has
nothing to do with Sootham future plans for the newspaper...
I was not told by the head management in Toronto to prepare
for a merger of the two papers. I
was told to "Kill off that leech.
The Provincial and improve our
profit margin or.' the Wes*. Coast
or yot'.'il ba soliciting telephone
subscriptions for BC Distort
magaziat:." This is; a very significant difference in rr v mi'id.
Pleas'; assure your readers tha'
a.: ;"'a'i' u; .> air. concerned   lheiv'
will  be  two  newspapers  ia '
Vancouver in the conceivable
future. You'll just be able to buy
them at the same time, that's all.
Omnipotent Publish**-*^
The Vancouver/Surrey/North
Shore Provincial-Sump-New^-
Is feminism dead?
Our readers speak out
Feminism is dead!
1 do believe I would say, if I
were in fact to make ii comment,
thai feminism i.; still alive.
trb FRIDAY, APRIL3,1992
is enough
Back to basics
Vancouver Sump
No fancy metaphors this time,
girls—I've been beating around the
bush long enough. It's become painfully obvious that I've been far too
subtle. This country is going to pot
because some of us—and I'm sure I
don'thavetosaywho—do not know
when to stop.
This women's rights tiling has
gotten right out of hand.
Now, I'm not saying we should
have stopped fighting for women's
rights after we got the vote, but we
shoukl remember to givecteditwhere
credit is due.
Get with it, girls! Who looked after
the children for the afternoon so our
grandmothers could make fools of
themselves in suffrage riots?
And who was it who changed the
laws to allow women to vote?
And who is it now who graciously
movesover in the boardroom to make
space for those of our sex who feel
compelled to do men's work?
Men. Yes, girls, we have men to
It is because of their efforts to
accommodate our little whims that
we are where we are today.
We girls owe men in a big way.
Without them, we could never have
come so far in this world, /aid it's
time to repay them.
It's time to go back to traditional
values. This country will be a better
place when we girls get our noses out
of men's business-back to the kitchens and nurseries where we belong.
I think we all know by now that
feminism has gone right out of style.
Leave the militant attitudes and slacks
at home next time you go out. You'll
be surprised how happy the men
around you will be.
Don't wony about being taken
seriously, evenif you areintdligent—
a pretty face or pleasant body is a
refreshing change from a woman who
has a stream of big words coming out
of her mouth.
Quit your job, find a man and stay
at homeallday makinggourmet meals
for him while he is at work (And
don't forget to dress for dinner).
Ditch the business suits and no-
nonsense hairdos, girls. Today's
woman should be seen in ftilty dresses
and expensive French lingerie. Grow
your hair, and your fingernails. From
now on, we'll only have to worry
about being attractive in out homes,
for our men.
Get yourself pregnant, and have
lots of babies (having children is a
woman's primary purpose in life, remember) And take off those shoes!
(unless of course, they're six-inch,
easy-on-the-eyes spikes).
It will take a long time for us to get
back into men's good books—we
haveto start rightnow. Think aboutit:
we' ve been thorns in their sides since
Eve bit into that apple.
We girls can help men :ave this
country if we simply remember our
proper place in society AND STAY
feminist declares
feminism dead
...Head of the UBC Research Centre in Gender
Relations & Women's Studies
FEMINISM is dead.
Though UBC's Centre
for Gender Relations
and Women's Studies
has been operating for only one
year, we now have found overwhelming evidence that patriarchy has ceased functioning. In
fact, we are entering matriarchal
However, despite our evidence, UBC's Coordinator Dr.
David Strangle way has expressed caution. While he
stresses his confidence in our
research, last week he confirmed
with me that "until we see sustained equality, this [the end of
patriarchy] may be merely a brief
turnaround." He feels that feminism is still necessary.
But Anne Hutchin of UPE
2900 has publicly disagreed with
Strangleway, indicating a growing concensus among feminists.
Hutchin is extremely pleased
with the gender equity on this
campus and is also happy with
the recent agreement by the
Board of Governors to adopt a
collective decision-making
Among evidence the Centre
has amassed are statistics showing that violence against women
has dropped drastically, from 1
in 4 women raped to 1 in 100.
Only 1 woman out of 35 is now
beaten annually by her male
partner, compared to 1 in 5 a
scant year ago. As well, women
are now earning $1.08 for every
dollar a man makes.
Still, one tenacious faculty
continues to indicate concern for
women on this campus. Former
engineering student President
Alan LeRuse has confirmed that
students in his faculty have
started a goddess-worship ritual
at die cairn in order to raise
awareness about women's issues.
This kind of continued pro-
feminism concerns me greatly.
It is unnecessary now that patriarchy and feminism are dead.
For example, A-Rune
Sravisteva, professor in
Women's Studies at UBC, has
found in her research that the
Vancouver Art Gallery's permanent collection is now emphasizing First Nations women's
carving. As well, English country dances are being held once a
month for the ethnic British
The amount of research on
this campus about women is
overwhelming. All of our evidence points to the fact that
women are no longer being silenced. Hence, Merrily Climb,
one of the professors in our program and a legal specialist, has
begun a petition to officially end
Women's Studies.
Those of us who teach
Women's Studies are debating
the future of our research. While
we are agreed that we will stop
research about women, several
of us wish to continue in gender
Cath Hensen has expressed
her concern for men in this
changing world. She is worried
that many men face severe psychological stress and wants to
institute research into literatures
of resistance by white men who
have little access to the publishing industry.
Since heterosexual behaviour
has become a new subject of
inquiry, especially in sociological deviance classes. Women's
Studies professor Marie Bryce
is now concerned about compulsory homosexuality. She has
uncovered evidence that hetero
sexuals are finding it increasingly difficult to obtain employment unless they closet
themselves. More studies are
needed because court challenges
to the same-sex only partnering
laws are expected to reach the
Supreme Court soon.
Those of us at the Centre for
Gender Relations are excited
about the new possibilities now
that feminism is dead. We will
continue to push Dr.
Strangleway to take the initiative. Our evidence is good and
very conclusive.
In conjunction with other ex-
feminists, the student-run Centre for Women will be holding a
Burial Service for Feminism on
Thursday, April 23, at the Sojourner Truth Memorial Gym.
Dr Strangleway will be in
We knew you would be interested.
We aim to please and we aim
to show how good we are.
How could we ge t complaints
that our latest series on the six
trade was too "sensationalistic"?
I disagree.
Our six series was honest,
quality journalism. It was good
and a politician said so. We even
wrote an article to show you a
politician told us how good we
were. Why didn't you believe
it? We are good and we know it.
Yes, I do admit our headlines
were maybe a bit too sensational,
but the articles were not. For the
first time, we showed you what
six in Vancouver was all about.
We had no intention of stealing
readers away from The Provincial as that so-called Angels rag
We took a picture of a number flasher, plastered it on half a
page with legs kicking up in the
air but it was by no means sensational. We put a column tall ad
in our sports section with a pair
of elongated six trade worker's
legs -it was by no means sensational.
The scries was written by
gifted journalists  and we put
their talents to good use. We
photographed and profiled these
journalists and put their picture
right at the top of the page in
SIX PARTI. You couldn'thave
missed it. We showed you how
good they were.
We wrote a story on the "biggest six factory" in North
America and a "chorus line of
six," to provide you with a different perspective. We spent
money well when we sent journalists to Nevada for that story.
We are Sootham's western
press darling and we want to
show it. We have no ego problems; we have no identity crisis;
we are serious journalists.
The SIX PART 1 and subsequent sequel headlines with the
dollar sign-S placed noticably
on the front page was by no
means a marketing ploy for our
But yes, I admit, sending six
to your home brought to you by
yours truly, Vancouver's family newspaper, may have been a
problem. I too have a daughter,
and I too had a difficult time
explaining to her what performing ratios was.
But six exists in Vancouver
we have to show it as it is. People
are making money from it and
six trade workers are getting
killed. We have not chosen prostitution as social issue for its
market value in journalism. We
truly care about the six trade and
that is why we spent lots of
money and gave lots of exposure to the six series. We don't
care how much money we make
from the issue, it's the issue that
counts. We brought you a public service with our quality journalism. And we knew you would
be interested.
I have been be-
swamped with mis
sives bemoaning my
recent series of pronouncements
on poverty in our fair city.
It behooves me to remind you
that is hardly unreasonable for a
poor welfare mother to voyage
across town. At the Marks and
Spencer in Park Royal Mall, one
may pick up gruel for the affordable price of $300 per Imperial
Ton, which would provide food
for a month for a family of fourteen.
I read in this fair newspaper,
indeed, that one fellow has taken
the initiative to clothe himself
entirely in castoffs fromdustbins.
Well done, my good man.
Pray tell, is it reasonable for
the public purse to be weighed
down by the dregs of society?
Are there no workhouses? No
Prithee, how mayest one argue
againstthecuting logic of Herbert
Spencer, who called for the workhouses that dotted the fair land of
the United Kingdom not so many
years ago?
If we had workhouses, would
not society benefit? Even the
littlest of children can be taught
to grow vegetables and stamp out
license plates.
How much longer will we allow these mostly non-British
leeches to impart their flautlent
malevolence on us all?
When I was a child, I knew the
value of hard work, unlike these
gadabouts. Every morning I
would get up at three A.M., milk
the cows, feed the pigs, repair the
fences and then have a cup of tea
and scones for breakfast.
Then, I would hack my way
through the forest with a dull
knife for six miles to the dirt path
that led to the road to the school.
After leading the children in
rousing military choruses from
The Boer War, I would begin
school. I would assist the teacher
as she imparted heavy doses of
corporal punishment to the
misecreant raggamuffins who
made up my class. Oh how that
Birch rod sang!
"Ipso facto pro partia mori, in
canis corpore transmuto reducto
ad absurdium," wrote the Roman
philospherBuggusBunmus when
the Ostrogoths were at the gates
of Rome in 476 A.D. and his
words are as true today as they
were then.
Trevor Loutish does a bad impersonation of William F. Quckley
Jr. every Tuesday and Thursday.
God Save the Queen. 4
Don't get up
or you might see
©ie Tanco wer Sump
^••-  \%m.«»*trS-^$
• Keep on reading our 12
part series on six and dollars
on the streets of Vancouver
Stepping into spring in moonboots Fashion
failures find Sump salvation SUAVE-Y A5
Geriatric paranoia: Aging Gypsy
Mobs sighted in West Side        OUR PROVINCE A4
®ie Vancouver Sump
^ Gambling
~- with
Vancouver Sump
BEHIND the windows
of Habour Centre's
restauranteurs wine,
dine, sip and sup far above the
** quiet, serene-looking Vancouver
streets and enjoy the picture-
postcard panorama as they spin
wantonly beneath a bright
canopy of indigo night.
m*" But far below, in the dark
alleyways many of us fear to
►*% cross, is a huddled Figure, a r ight-
time peddler of broken dreams
and forgotten hopes. He's a six-
pusher and he's trailing for his
first catch of the night.
vf Franky Franz, 25, leans
against a graffiti-covered hotel
** * wall, his fedora tilted dramatically over his eyes, his long coat
wrapped tightly over his slim
body. He looks up with a smile
colder than the powderblue neon
_,» lights flashing over the hotel
■*-^ "I sell six, sure, why not?" he
says shyly. "I'm your friendly
neighbourhood digital delinquent."
The illicit trade of six has been
,.   around for years now, but has
only recently surfaced here. First
,. discovered on a small street in
New York, six has been peddled
all across the States before making its way to supernatural S outh-
western BC. Vancouver police
vice detective Bamaby Rinds is
k       well acquainted with this unwel-
_ come addition to the already too
mean streets of this big-ish city.
"Six is a problem, that's for
sure. It's always difficult to keep
up with this kind of crime, you
know.  We're  already  over-
* *     worked, over-fed and understaffed as it is. All we really can
**   do is hassle a few long-haired
suspicious types and ask a few
obvious questions, then throw
Please see SIXY. A3	
TWO VANCOUVER RESIDENTS caught in the rain and
buckled under as unusual water falls from the sky over our dry but fun city. By
the end of the bizzare down pour they were happy although soaked like wet
Rain falls down
Vancouverites taken by
Vancouver Sump
It's April in B C and it's look-
in g more and more like a record
A rare yellow polka dot umbrella was spotted near Jericho
Beach as the city endured an
unexpected downpour yesterday.
Allan Drakeson set his own
record by continuing to mow
his lawn despite the heavy rain.
"I just can't believe this. It's
been sunny for at lest a few
hours, and all of a sudden I take
out my lawnmower and-blam!
Rain. But I'm not gonna let it
beat me. I'm gonna pretend it's
not raining."
The provincial weather office had predicted sunny skies
through the week. A spokesperson, who refused to be identified, said, "Damn. Wrong
again. I assure you this weather
was completely unexpected and
is extremely unusual for this
time of year."
Astrologist Derrick K. Mallard said he knew it would rain
today. As for Drakeson, Mallard said he should stop trying
to resist the elements.
"The rainfall is a natural
thing, dude. The trouble with
those Aries types is that they're
always trying to fight nature.
He should just, like, relax and
enjoy beautiful Vancouver.
He's lucky to live here, anyway," Mallard said.
Drakeson still disagreed with
Mallard: "Fuck that. Rain sucks.
I moved to Vancouver because
I heard it hardly ever rained out
The Sump
means fun
Tabloids are our
Good morning British Columbia. Today The Sump sits
soggy on your doorstep in its
new format. And if the weather
forcast is correct the elements
haVe turned to mourning.
As the final part of a bold
new enterprise Pacify Press has
combined The Vancouver
Sump with its sister paper, The
Provincial. Any confusion to
readers caused by differing editorial stances—a goal Sootham,
Pacify Press' owner, has pursued for many years—is over.
Your new tabloid Vancouver
Sump is piled high with news,
business and sports. You'll find
some old friends and new surprises today and throughout
this first week of our rebirth as
a tabloid.
On this page as part of our
name plate, we restate our
committment to being British
Columbia's paper o'fun. We
intend to be a fun, wholesome,
nice part of your day, where
ever you live in the best of all
possible provinces.
In today's paper we begin
an ongoing portrait of BC's
spirit, sketches of the men,
women and children who lead
exceptional or depraved lives,
to bring life to our dull days.
You'll notice, as you skip
through The Sump, that we have
made slight changes to the paper by introducing our tabloid
format to make your morning
read more convenient and less
You'll find our Sumppump
page on A2, including Weather,
and a testing new crossword, to
help you plod through your day.
Look for new columns such
as Voices on Page and a Half,
where we invite you to vent
your spleen. Look, too for our
men's drumbeatin' column, a
column on the latest Elvis
sightings and, on each section
front, column none.
That's only the beginning.
There's much more all this
week. Enjoy your morning journey of fun.
_,               - - -. ,
A RIDGE of high pressure
put vice grips on your emotional
The              B2
Bubblegum    C19
Column None   A4.
Crossword        A2
Dinky SPorts    D7
Duds                 A5
Our Province
Eddie           AG
Fume           A7
Read Aloud
Indoors       D12
Kerplunk      A3
Letters          A6
Musclehead D9
Classified 666-6666
Circulation 666-6666
FOUNDED 1666 •
VOL. 666 • No. 666
66666 A2
•fr-fc FRIDAY, APRIL3,1992
Publication Mail Registration No. 0000
Bert, star of Sesame Street sitcom and body double
for Vancouver Mayor Mick Harcourt, was forced to
retire from civic service after Vancouver Alderman
Barry Tankin disclosed information proving the
puppet—not the Mayor—was chairing city council
meetings. 1986.
'look, okay—stopasking me when I'mgoingtoquit. I'm not
stepping down until I'm gawddamn good and ready. And I'm
not good and ready yet so don't go getting your knickers in
a knot. Oh, and next time wait til I'm out of the can. Okay?"
Money is like snot, but you can't eat money.
What fits better in a condom—a banana or a zuchinni?
(Answer Monday). Thursday's quiz answer: Yes you can.
And sometimes, with a little elbow grease, it even works.
Just don't do it without your buddy.
Have ever wondered why peoplefind irrelevant facts so
interesting? In a short attention span consumer society like
ours packaged fact-bits mascarading as education are far
moredigestable and amusing than any real analysis.
"I think the pain is caused I
the arrows in your back."
Get out of bed you useless maggot!
Drill Sergeant USMC
You! Yeah you! The one with
the pillow over your head. It's
time to get up and face another
day. So get on your feet and hit
the floor! I want fifty pushups!
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen, seventeen, eighteen,
nineteen, twenty, come on, now
no cheating, twenty-four, twenty-
five, twenty-six, twenty-seven,
twenty-eight, what are you look-
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two,
twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five.
twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight,
twenty-nine, faster, faster, thirty-two, thirty-
three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six,
thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, fourty,
fourty-one, fourty-two, fourty-three, fourty-
four, fourty-five, fourty-six, three more,
fourty-seven, fourty-eight, fourty-nine, fifty.
ing at, I'll do the counting, thirty-
four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-
seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine,
fourty, fourty-one, fourty-two,
fourty-three, fourty-four, fourty-
five, fourty-six, fourty-seven,
fourty-eight, fourty-nine, fifty.
Now switch arms and do it
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen, seventeen, eighteen,
nineteen, twenty, twenty-one,
twenty-two, twenty-three,
twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-
six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight,
twenty-nine, faster, faster, thirty-
two, thirty-three, thirty-four,
thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-
seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine,
fourty, fourty-one, fourty-two,
fourty-three, fourty-four, fourty-
five,  fourty-six,  three more, "*
fourty-seven.    fourty-eight,
fourty-nine. fifty.
Tired! Did you say tired! Well,
you pathetic little worm, there's
siili five miles run. And here's a "
sixty pound pack and a rifle to
carrywhileyou'reatit.Andwhen -*'
we're running, I want to hear you
loud and clear, do you hear me!
I don't care what they may    j
say! *
The army life is A-Okay
Cleaning toilets is lots of fun -»'
That's what I'll do after this
I'm not finished with you yet,
you decrepit excuse for exist- -*
ence. Here's a tooth brush. Now,
get down on those lilly-whiter-
knees of your's and start scrubbing. I want this place spick-and-
Hey, you missed a spot!....
Alright, hit the showers. Don't ^
touch that hot tap! And hurry up!
You're burning daylight. Be back^*»
at 1700 hours. We have some
alligators to wrestle.
^v^vA      \
^v^^>£^^v^^t \ifli
^3^*^,^      J/\
1 EdMo underway
5 feeJsosMy
6 Solitary
14 World (swaMi)
15 Blind_abe»iy
16 To asphyxiate
17 rm not toling
19 Another short on*
20 Sphagnum mon
21 Diverticulitis
22 Caught
23 Satanic ritual
24 With little
puppy dogs
25 And worms
26 But no grubs
26 Lymph node*
28 Spamonabun
32 Napoleon had one
36 Curator
37 To ingest
38 Liver damage
40 Naughty bits
41 Splendiferous
42 Bouncy hair
43 Blondes have
_ ana _
maaiaa    i
46 CotywobUas
46 What Brian
should do
46 Colywobbles.
tha sequel
55 rvofaienandl
56 Unsaturated Red
Rwer cereal?
58 Dont cal your
mother this
60 See 35
62 Facial pustule
63 12th Century
65 Spinal Tap
66 Bollocks
87 Errant flippancy
1 Barnyard
2  is for you
3 Beefsteak
4 Four letter word
5 Still here?
6 Ours
7 Hoo boy. thafs
along one!
S 200 mile limit
11 Sustenance
12 ITS a job,
and why not?
13 Pcppins prefix
16 Homswoggling
"The Sump Is Moving To Mornings? Is This
Your Idea Of A Cruel Joke?"
21 Village idiots
27 Who cares?
31 Two bits
33 TA3, reflectively
34 Old , Yukon
35 See 80
39 Bom again
44 Heinous
47 Part III, Colly-
wobble's revenge
49 Fight Power
50 Why the chicken?
51  , .mine
52 Queeriy happy
53 Canned Python
54 Mouth juice
57 Billy	
59 Operatic hellion
61 Lumbago
62 12 letters for gorp
64 Lollapalooza
66 2/3 of abeast
Crossword is edited by
Eugene Splicer
Doomsday, April 3,1666
It's no joke!!
The Vancouver
For your mourning.
trtt FRIDAY, APRIL3,1992
on the
Sump Columnist
couple hours, squeezed
into this orange Speedo
bathing suit. I look at the
people around me, I realize how
silly they look and then how
silly I must also look.
I take a really big swig of my
beer, but that is nothing new.
I've been drinking the most fattening beer I could find ever
since a message came across my
desk which read: "Since you won
the April Fool Award for us a
little while ago, we thought it
would further improve the reputation of the paper if we entered
you in the Damp Dunk:
Vancouver Media Bel] yflop contest. We hope you don't mind."
I perused the sheet attached to
thenote. "Vancouver'sfirstever
media bellyflop contest. Contestants must be able to make a
really big splash by hurling themselves off a really high diving
board and landing in the water
(hopefully) belly first."
My first priority was to put on
the belly with which to flop.
So here I am, in the dressing
room with a group of five men—
big fat white ones—all wearing
identical little swim suits. I admit to myself that I look a little
less foolish.
But then the emcee takes the
stage and we are introduced one
by one, like cattle at an auction.
I walk out. The only tiring that is
going through my mind is the
bungee jumping incident—the
naked bungee jumping.
"This has to be easier, the fall
isn't nearly as far, and I'm
clothed, more-or-less." I repeat
this to myself over and over
Then I'm up on the diving
board. I don't know how I got
there. I take another swig of the
beer and praise the person who
discovered the stuff and the person who brewed this particular
batch. Without beer, where
would I find the courage.
I won this competition too.
Apparently I made four perfect
belly flops. In fact, they had to
drag me off the diving board
three hours later as I was trying
to show everyone my winning
And so the award sits on my
desk, big and plastic with Flipper on the top. That is all I got for
my bruised and swollen belly—
and the unbelievable hangover.
The award sits on my desk,
not as a reminder of my victory,
because I don't have much
memory of that, but as a reminder to find a new job before
they ask me to do another stupid
assignment like this or I land up
in detox.
Katherine Kerplunk ii aStmip
reporter am! dam good mori.
PM and Premiers go hog-wild
Sump Ottawhack Bureau
In a surprise development,
Prime Minister Mulroony initiated reconciliation between his
federal government and dissenting provincial premiers by announcing a pig-roast and fun-
day, to be held at 24 Sussex next
Saturday. Premiers Ghetty,
Welles, and Boarassa have all
announced their intentions to
attend and bring their families .
along with them, for some good
grits and an after dinner tournament of lawn darts.
News of the back-yard summit created a stir in the nation's
capital yesterday, as various media figures jockeyed for interviews and photo-ops with the
politicians at the airport.
Sources close to Canada's first
family have leaked that the prime
minister's wife Mila plans to don
her brand new ensemble of
Tilley-wear at the gathering, but
officials at the PMO would neither confirm nor deny this
rumour. Mulrooney's close
friend and advocate Bernard
Royal did say that Mrs. Mulroney
is close to finalizing her wardrobe decision.
"My little punkin' and Brian's
are currently in session, and are
discussing some workable garments they might bring to the
party, and I'm sure that all concerned parties will be satisfied
with the outcome," he said.
Mulroony also sounded confident at a press conference this
morning: "The last summit was
fraught with colour-clashes and,
dammit, I'm here to tell you it's
just not going to happen on my
The three invited premiers
were cautiously optimistic about
the party's odds of resolving
Canada's constitutional deadlock. Welles has repeated his
demand that Quebec recognize
Newfoundland as a "Stink Society." Legal experts are assuming this is a reference to the cod
processing plants which have
become a hallmark of the
province's dwindling inshore
Alberta's Don Ghetty said he
is now ready to bargain. He has,
however, insisted he begin the
day with two extra lawn darts for
being from what he described as
"a dis-advantaged western prov
But most of the attention yesterday was focused upon pre-
mier Boarassa, who once said he
would never set foot in an
Irishman's home. These tensions
were alleviated earlier in the
week when Mulroony stressed
Boarassa could keep his sorry
ass on the patio all night if he felt
that way.
Still, some difference of opinion regarding the purpose of the
gathering remains between the
guests. Mulroony has called it
the "Canada Roast," in an attempt to affirm the aspirations
of all attending provinces. But
Boarassa has made his demands
clear, insisting his family be
given a large, succulent portion
of the pig, to which he refers as
"the Quebec Round."
nation plans
Man Pressing, leader
of tha newly-created
Reform Nation
activist group, said middle-
class, white, heterosexual
men will infiltrate Prima
Minister Mulroony's Pig Roast
and Fun Day.
"Wo have infiltrated Sussex
Drive staff and have planned
an action," said Pressing.
Citing a lack of visibility
outside legislatures and art
galleries, Pressing says his
group will simultaneously
stop what they're doing and
stand around acting like men,
however offensive this may
seem to some.
But Mulrooney says
security will weed out the
Reform Nation group.
"It won't be too tricky to
spot middle-class, white men
serving food, cleaning floors
and looking after the little
ones," said Mulroony.
'em behind bars for a while
until we can make something
stick. We've set up a special
Six Squad to deal with it," Rinds
But despite police efforts, the
business is growing at a seemingly exponential rate. Every
night, men and women rake in
over $600 for every six-kick,
netting for many a monthly income in the six figures. This
year alone has seen an estimated
revenue of $36 million dollars.
And all free of any GST.
"Psst! Hey buddy. Wanna
buy a six?" Franz whispers from
the dark and spreads open his
coat like a bat unveiling its
wings. All over his coat's lining are sixes of different shapes
and colours, glowing alluringly
in the streetlights. The passerby stops and checks out his
wares. Most are sixes, varying
in size while his supply of synthetic six, VI, is running low.
The passerby decides on a small
yellow six and leaves Franz to
count out the cash.
"VI is a hit; it's cheap and the
rush hits twice as fast and hard.
Six started at tha dawn ai civi
lization; how'd you think our
clocks got sixty minutes or
circles got 360 degrees? I'm
tellin' ya, six goes way back.
It's what people have always
wanted and there's money in it.
Lots I'm sure, but I only get a
percentage. The rest goes to my
distributor, Grover. He's got
all the cash, but he's keeping a
low profile on accounts he's
what we'd like to call 'desirable' about now," he says as he
folds the $120 into a bundle
and closes his coat around him.
(Intrepid investigative reporting shows Grover turned to
underworld crime after being
fired from a starring role in a
popular daytime children's
programme when the show's
producers learned his loveable
hyper-activity was due to his
six dependency.)
But desirable is not what local
shop owners think. They are up
in arms over the new flux of six.
"Six, six, six is ail kids think
about. It brings in tin: wrong
crowd. People have jix then
come in and try pay in« in multiples, confusing tbs hcV out of
me." say;; ,i shop owner who
preferred not to be named.
Quentin Mollusk is also
against the profitable, yet destructive trade. He was hooked
on six for almost a year before
police apprehended him and
charged him with six counts of
seditious serendipity.
"Yeah, the cops cooked that
one up good," Mollusk said
from behind the bars of his cell,
"But it got me away from six. I
haven't had six in a long time
and I'm clean. The day they
grabbed me I was trippin' on a
cheap bag of six I got from
some guy on the street. Turned
out they were really nines and
days later I was stilled messed.
I'm still gettin' flashbacks."
Despite the growing threat of
nines, six is still a thriving, flourishing underground business.
Right now, the police are helpless in curbing the six trade and
sadly the problem will get a lot
worse before it gets any better.
By the end of the night,
Franky Franz has made $660
and hi disappears down the alley wlulc* up above, silently revolving, dinner guests marvel
at the placid, luminescent scene.
plot foiled
Sump Victorian Bureau
Victoria—A secretplotby the
Socialist Credit Party in the
dying days of their administration to assasinate journalists
unfreindly to their cause was almost put into effect last year.
A disgruntled former high
Socred official revealed yesterday through a brown envelope
left on my desk that Socreds
planned to kill the journalists by
spiking the beers at the NDP
victory celebration on election
There is also aphoto, obtained
by the Sump from a trash bin
outside the Socred office, circling the journalists who were
"selected for death."
The former Socred official,
puffing on a pipe, said "I was
shocked, like all Britiss
Columbians, to hear that the administration thoughtthat all these
fine members of our news media
were selected to go."
He said the. plot depended on
killing enough journalists so that
the rest would be "friendly
pawns" for the Socreds.
"It all backfired when somebody said that if we killed them,
there would be more to come
along and replace them. Even
student journalists could get
fhe official added that be had
suggested as an alternative "giving all of them -1 shovel and
seeing how the y liked real work."
"They didn't like my idea...I
guess they were gutless wimps."
The plot caused a sensation
during happy hour at Sneers, a
popular research and discussion
facility for the Victoria Press
"It sucks. Big time. Another
round of Guiness please.
Waddaya mean I should pay my
tab," said Vaughn Palming,
Sump Victoria Columnist.
"It is clear at this juncture that
the Socialist Credit party is finished (click), is finshed (click),
is..." said Clam Scrabble, BCTV
To confirm the existence of the
plot, the Sump asked Socred interim leader Jack Weissgerbil
(SC—Dogpatch Hollow) to confirm or deny what we made upover
a few beers on a slow news day.
"Well, I never did agree to the
plan myself. Journalists are our
friends. Please don't hurt me,"
Wiessgerbil said.
Liberalled Opposition leader
Gordon Whineson (L-
Woodfibre) fulsomely con-
demnned the plot.
"It is merely a reflection of
the two party politics and the
political confrontation that has
gone on in this province for far
too long," he said. "Personally, I
am in favour of journalists. Very
much so. Nudge nudge, wink
Premier Mike Hardcore, on
tour in Vancouver, also condemned the plot.
"Do they want anyone to reload?" he said. A4
Our province
-fr-fr FRIDAY, APRIL3,1992
Publication Mall Registration No. 0000
Despite their past feeble
attempts to stop time
and stay hip, groovy,
now and chic, ourpar-
ents have drawn the line at confiscating another word that's all the
rage with young people. A beautiful word that's caught on like., .well
like when you walk by some protrusion and find you rself restrained
because your Knapsack has betrayed you, producing a most
laughable effect.
This word makes a statement
in itself; it expresses opposition,
dubiousness, horror ordistaste in
response to any outlandish observation. In an attempt to explain
the power of this lone word (not),
this writer provided an explanation to a friend studying in Beijing.
Some examples I provided to
prove its value and utter coolness:
Proposal: Let's go floss our
teeth with the hairs of a Brazilian
baboon. —Not!
Disparaging Comment: Your
toejam could make a really ugly
scarf. —Not!
Obvious Lie: I channel for Satan in my spare time.
Wishful Thinking: Hey look!!
There goes Keanu Reeves! —
Reluctance to Admit to Fact:
Wasn't that guy with the purple
sideburns shaped like figs your
last date?—Not!
Twisted Thinking: The Reform
Party is the end-all be-all of politics today. —Not!
Language Question: Did you do
that Linguistics paper? —Not!
Yes, all this can be yours in one
word,forthe petty cost of appearing the fool, an image which students everywhere are trying to
avoid by getting a "higher education."
Perhaps there isan even deeper
meaning to this word, stemming
from an archaic, primitive tendency to respond in monosyllables. It would follow, then, that
"ugh" or "dun" may well be on the
brink of popularity. Words such
as these just might make a comeback and be the trendy successor
to "not" which is all the more
reason to delay no further and
incorporate primal expressions
into language. Be the envy of Saturday Night Live and say Duh today.
—compiled by Archie Roll a
Rollo to your pal
Unfortunately, despite my attempts to enlighten my friend to
the limitless and amazing possibilities of "not," it has just not
caught on at all in Beijing. I can't
fathom why not.
Rollercops on the stroll
English Bay city rollers cut the pavement to fight crime
Sump Grime Reporter
Just when you thought the
mountain bike patrols had gotten
off their training wheels and it
was safe to go back on the streets
again, Vancouver's finest have
released their latest weapon in
their arsenal against crime—
"The mountain bikes were a
good idea, but we felt it was still
too easy for them [the cops on the
beat] to get off their bikes and pop
into a donut shop. With the
rollerblades it's a non-stop workout," said police spokesperson
Bob Uppandoun.
In addition to the obvious fit
ness benefits, Uppandoun referred
to the obvious advantages the
blades give the cops in battling the
huge wave of jaywalking that continues to terrorize downtown.
Skateboard gangs, dog owners
who don't clean up after their
pets, and people who put gum
under park benches are among the
other targets of the rollercops.
The rollerblades can be tough
to get the hang of, but most of the
boys in blue we spoke to were
very enthusiastic.
"My first day on the blades I
fell flat on my face trying to handcuff this guy I caught stealing
marshmallows from a Girl Guide
campout, but now I'm really getting the hang of it. It's all in the
way you swing your hips—it
makes me feel real sexy," said
Rock Hemann, a young constable
recently assigned to the rollerblade
Acceptance is not, however,
unanimous. "Bloody foolishness,
I call it," said an un-named sergeant with 80 years on the force,
"next bloody thing they'll be getting us to wear bloody tutus and
do bloody pirouettes down East
bloody Hastings."
MR. SPOCK FINDS solace and humour in our downtown core
Aerial Spaying
City targets aging gypsy mobs
Vancouver Sump
Vancouver city council announced Monday night it would
go ahead with plans for an aerial
spaying program aimed at curtailing the alleged activities of a
gang of roving seniors calling
themselves "the Gypsies."
"There may be only a few now,
but if turn our backs, there will be
mobs of the aging Gypsies in no
time. Don'tlet their age fool you,
they reproduce like crazy, that's
why spaying is the only way to
go," said City Hall spokesperson
Lowda Maufpeez.
The spaying program will employ F-18 pilots and crew, who
have been idle since the Gulf
war, and will involve strafing
neighbourhoods suspected of infiltration with DBBMs (Inter-
Bowel Ballistic Missiles).
The missiles were intended for
mass sterilization of Iraqi livestock, and were picked up cheap
from the States by the City of
Vancouver. Maufpeez said the
council regretted the necessity of
cross-border shopping, but "Canadian Tire j ust doesn' t carry this
sort of thing."
Council has cited experts who
say the IBBMs are "as safe as
licking an ingrown toenail," but
recommend residents with weak
stomachs remain indoors on days
when strafing runs are scheduled.
Dr. Stora Kopperburg, UBC
professor of metallurgy and gy
necology, described the IBBM.
"The missile fuselage is programmed to split open at altitudes below 5 metres, releasing
dozens of razor sharp egg-beaters which pierce the victim's abdominal cavity. In the hands of
an expert, such a weapon is a
high-precision instrument which
can selectively remove the reproductive organs. Spaying is rather
a misnomer, it's really more of a
defenestration process."
Only scattered sightings of the
aging Gypsies have been reported, with no sign, yet, of the
mobs feared by city council.
Shaughnessy resident Blein
Azabat is one of the few witnesses. "Three of them, with great
hairy legs ... They tried to slash
my tires with stalks of rhubarb.
And my wife, just last week, saw
two of them crossing a7-l 1 parking lot with Elvis Presley."
A group calling itself
CitizensAgainst Silly Govem-
mentDecisions (C ASGD) is contesting the city's right to fly jet
planes through neighbourhoods
at rooftop altitudes.
Said CASGD member and
Kitsilano resident Bart
Savagewoofer, "It'sjustnotright.
like, you know, it sucks. Heinous."
Maufpeez said council welcomes public input on the issue.
"We're kind of pressed for time
right now, so we won't be able to
hold public hearings until after
the spaying program is complete."
Today's youth should be lined up, shot
I AM VERY disturbed. I
know that most people are
as concerned as I am
about this problem, and I
am here to offer you a complete
catharsis through my simple,
yet crucially important (and
might I add pretty damn well
written) column.
I'm gonna come right out
and say it: I hate people under
25. (Now I know what some of
you university-types are
thinking, but just because most
of you are under 25 doesn't
mean you can't learn from my
words. I have been studying
your kind and let me tell you I
am appalled.)
Lately, I have noticed that
many kids have gained entirely
too much control of their lives.
The subject of this particular
column is cars. Yes, I have seen
them driving cars. Now I had
heard, back in the '80s, that
kids were driving even then,
but I dismissed that as a
rumour. I didn't learn to drive
until I was 28, and in those
days THAT was even a bit
young but I had to walk 30
miles to work every day.
And these kids don't pay for
their cars. That's one thing to
be thankful for: they haven't
quite been able to escape from
under our control as far as
money is concerned. I am
proud to say I have fought for
years to keep minimum wage
as low as I can—the govern
ment listens to me. You are all
aware of how money corrupts
the youth. So, you ask, who
pays for the kids' cars?? Their
parents, I tell you! People who
are of a respectable age. And I
am telling you today that the
rights of decent people must
now be protected. I like to think
of them as Folks Usurped by
Kids (FUKS for short).
FUKS have been taken
advantage of for too long.
Action must be taken to save
the FUKS in this city from this
terrorism...drastic measures are
necessary. I have come up with
While the youth are busy
taking up space on the roads
(space, I might add, that
rightfully belongs to us FUKS),
contingents consisting of armed
FUKS could be set up at key
areas in the city. As the youth
pass by, causing their usual
excessive noise and disruption
With their vehicles and that
godless music they play all the
time, the FUKS could gun them
down. With the cooperation of
the police, I'm sure it would
The FUKS' problems would
be solved, with the side benefit
of significantly reduced rush
hour traffic. Now I know some
of you might think shooting is
a bit drastic. But when you
consider that most of the
crimes and violence in
Vancouver are caused by the
youth, the effectiveness of my
solution becomes clear. Not-
only would the youth be
prevented from constantly
taking advantage of FUKS, but
they would be appropriately
punished for the crimes which
I am sure they have committed.
FUKS or their supporters
who are interested in taking up
arms against today's youth may
contact me, care of this paper.


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