UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Nov 1, 1991

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Array the Ubyssey
Founded in 1918
Vancouver, B.C., Friday, November 1,1991
Vol 74, No 17
The Ubyssey Hallowe'en Ghost Story Contest Winner
°^^ (Dr. Strcmgezvoy:
or, ttozv I Learned to Stop "Worrying and Hum La ^amba
Staggering out of Main Library, I saw it rising from the
depths ofthe fountain—a frail, plum-coloured apparition the
size of a small Shetland pony. It seemed at first like the ghost
of an engineer who had been tanked in the fountain once too
often. But the figure was rotund, intellectual looking, and
moreover lacked the requisite red jacket. It beckoned to me
sternly, with that deadness peculiar to corpses, insurance
agents and students writing the ECT for the second time. And
I was drawn to it as fixedly as a moth towards fire.
I was not entirely sur-    failed to see Kurt Preinsperg standing
prisedby the events which followed,    nearby.
-   -  -     - - «who, me?" I asked.
It nodded.
At this point, all kinds of thoughts were
racing through my head. The Chosen One?
Chosen for what? And by whom? But instead I asked the most relevant question.
"What's in it for me?"
^^with it a new model laptop The ghost's digits blurred across the
^ry.nmnntor   i I   keyboard. "Your university
this being a dark October night at
nine pm (the witching hour,
Toronto time). After all, stranger
things happened each day in supermarket tabloids. The phantom
(for phantom it was) proved unable
to speak, although it carried
"kwith it a new model laptop
■ j* computer
• through which we
0 taking turns with
the     key-
by Mark Malby
board and mouse. It intro-
J duced itself as "The Ghost
of Quorums Past—and Par
'Time Message Boy for the
Head Honcho Downunder."
Somehow I didn't think it
meant       Crocodile
is threatened tonight with
destruction by a dark force.
First your school, and then
the very fabric of your reality. Tonight you must save them both."
A Dark Force? The NDP could not possibly have had time to implement its policies yet. And the Socreds were now extinct.
Who was left, I wondered? Me save UBC?
But how?
"What's in it for me?" I again asked.
But the ghost, apparently deaf too, ignored me. "You must go now to the Pit to
meet the Oracle. He will answer all your
are the chosen
one,"thefigure questions." Then it vanished in a magne
typed   in   a sium flash, leaving me only with a smoking ~
haunting vi- printout which read "THE PIT" in bold
brato. letters.
I looked Some time later, having already wasted
around 20 minutes in line and $4.00 on a beer, I
but began wondering just how one recognizes
an Oracle inside the Pit. Around me swirled
the usual assortment of miscreants, poseurs, and predators. But near the TV
screen, palming a crystal ball in a
shadowed corner, sat a figure i n dirty
robes who seemed to warrant
the epithet "Mysterious Oracle."
"Glad you could make it." He extended
a hand as I sat down, introducing himself as
Dr. Strangeway, Oracle Emeritus and part-
time bookmaker non pareil. "But call me
Ishmael," he added. "Doubtless you are
puzzled by all this secrecy, these special
effects and words of doom."
Frankly, I was.
"And you want to know just who has
orchestrated this whole evil plan, and what
it is, and why you have been chosen to
counter it?'
I did.
"Sorry, but that's classified information, son. You're only an undergraduate
which means squat in the grand scheme of
things. But let me tell you tliis much: your
university is in grave danger from a dark
force which is, even as I speak, making the
final preparations to conquer it."
"I've heard that part already."
"And have you heard his foul plans?
Raising the rates at B-Lot to $5.00 an hour.
Turning Buchanan Tower into a luxury
highrise. And having another referendum
about RecFac."
"Oh, God, not another one!"
"Yes. And it gets worse. Tonight, UBC;
tomorrow, the nation. Which means—"
"—Oh, Lord, no—"
"That's right. A ubiquitous Distinct Society clause. From the smallest tidepool
ecosystem to the nuthouse on Parliament
Hill—all will be considered distinct societies and allowed to label washrooms in the
language of their choice."
'How can I stop such a
heinous plan?"
"At midnight tonight, before embarking on his campaign, the Dark One will
dine in the Ponderosa
Cafeteria. The sole way
to neutralize his evil is
to replace his bowl of
porridge with anti-
"You must
find    some
porridge that
was blessed by the
founders  of the
"You mean...?"
"Yes...a quest
He went on to
explain the route of
my mission: I was
to enter the Underworld and steal
a phial of Holy
Gruel from some
nitwit archivist,
then return to the
surface in time to
plant it in the Dark
One's dish before
the clocktower
struck midnight
Easy enough, right?
But it was already
10:00 and midnight
was just two hours
"Why couldn't
the apparition have
told me all this and
saved some time?"
I asked.
"It wasn't in
his job description.
Unions, you
know."    H
si ghe
"Even in
r Classifieds 822-3977
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Saturday, Nov. 2
Professor Terence G. McGee
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Lecture Hall 2, Woodward IRC
at 8:15 pm.
Deadline for submissions: for
Tuesday's paper is Friday at
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Wednesday at 3:30pm.
Note: "Noon" m 1230 pm,
Friday, November let	
GSS. Dance with bands.including
Spin Doctors. $3 grad students,
$5 others. 8 pm. Grad. Ctre.
SchooiofMusic. UBC Symphony
Orchestra. Jesse Read, conduce
tor. 8pm, Old Aud.
Students of Objectivism. Discussion: what is logic & should one
always be logical? Noon, SUB
UBC Greens. "Environmentalists dont buy 'green' peanut butter." Discussion. Noon, Henn
Muslim Students' Ass'n. Weekly
prayers. 12:45 -1:30 pm. Lower
lounge of Intl. Hse. For more
info, call Abdel at 228-0449 (h).
Saturday, November 2nd
Nursing Jungle Fever Dance 8
pm. SUB Ballroom.
MESSAGE OF ISLAM 4: IslamisanArabic
word which means submission, surrender
and obedience. As a religion, Islam stands
for complete submission to the commands of
God and obedience to God and the prophet
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- Eligible participants will each receive
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If you are between the ages of 18 and 45,
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concerning Eisler's The Partnership Way,
The Chalice and the Blade and related materials. If interested, call Greg 733-4812.
WD Process/typing, APA/MLA, Thesis.
Student rates. Dorothy, 228-8346.
Monday, November 4th	
School of Music. UBC Student
Composers. Noon, Recital Hall,
Student Counselling & Resources
Centre. Workshop - How to listen effectively. Noon. Brock 200.
Student Health Outreach Program. Wellness health fair; Information & personal assessment
for risk of heart disease (BP
checks, cholesterol & fitness
testing). Also information on
stress management. 11 am - 2
pm, SUB Concourse.
Hillel/Jewish Students' Ass'n.
Jewish Women's Discussion
Group. 5pm, Women's Centre,
SUB 130.
Hillel/Jewish Students' Association. Israeli Dancing Class. 4
pm, Hillel.
Hillel/Jewish Students' Ass'n.
Student Board Mtg. Noon, Hillel.
Tuesday, November 5th	
Centre. Workshop • Reducing
Test Anxiety. Noon, Brock 200.
Student Health Outreach Program. Wellness health fair: Information & personal assessment
Professional service for essays and theses
Come on in.
$3-off essay coupons being given away
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WORD PROCESSING $2.50/dbl. sp. page.
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Agnes 734-3928.
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PAPERS ETC. quickly typed, proofread and
laser printed by exp. secretary, UBC
graduate. On campus. 688-4734.
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Call Joan or Dana, 736-5470 or 732-9489
An attractive, outgoing, Punjabi female grad.
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own a horse called Flyability. If so, call
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checks, cholesterol & fitness
testing). Also information on
stress management. 11am-2pm,
SUB Concourse.
Pre-med Society. Lecture on
medical school admissions. Dr.
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Noon. Hebb Theatre.
Hillel/Jewish Students' Ass'n.
Famous Hot Lunch. Noon, Hillel.
World University Services of
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Thursday. November 7th
H.R. Macmillan Lecture.
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1990s andBeyand,wby Kenton R.
Miller (Forests&Biodiversity
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Frederic Wood Thtr, 6354 Crescent Road.
Thursday, November 21st
Student Exchange Programs,
Office ofthe Registrar. General
education abroad programs information session. Noon. Wood
IRC 6.
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An important meeting of the
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Monday, November 4th, 1991
12:30 pm at SUS 241K
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> -
November 1,1991 N1WS
Part-time counsellors hired at WSO
by Sharon Lindores
The Women Students' Office
hired three permanent part-time
counsellors last week. The move
is a change from last year, when
there was only one part-time and
three full-time positions.
The women who were hired
had been previously working in
temporary positions in the office.
Their backgrounds are in women's
studies, social work and counselling.
Marsha Trew, the WSO director, is pleased with the appointments. She said that the part-
time positions provide more flexibility to meet the WSO's dual
mandate of counselling and advocacy. More counsellors would fit
more resource needs.
"From the office's point of
view, this works well. They provide
rich expertise and diversity," Trew
"It works beautifully. They
were already working here and
they wanted part-time positions,
so we tried to accomodate them as
best as possible.
"Some women want part-time
work. If we had advertised for
only full-time employees, we
would have lost some good people,"
Trew said.
The WSO currently has funding for 3.6 full-time positions.
There are now five part-time (including the three just hired) and
one full-time counsellor.
Nancy Horsman, a recently
retired counsellor from the WSO
(she had worked there for 18
years), said that the part-time
positions eliminated all but one
full-time staff appointmentin the
"The hiring of part-time
workers is in line with director
Marsha Trew's firm belief that
contract work serves the best interests ofthe university. This hiring policy, however, ensures that
the director has complete authority over workers; that employees
can be hired or fired at any time;
that the Office can be collapsed at
that administration's whim.
"More significantly, the policy
of hiring part-time workers, or
contracting out the work of the
Office, obviates any responsibility
of the University administration
for pensions and other benefits
accruing to permanent appointments," said Horsman.
Margaretha Hoek, formerly
a counsellor in the WSO and now
employed by the Sexual
Harrassment Policy Office, feels
differently about the appointments.
"Now that the office can predict its staffing for half a year or
so, the WSO should be given the
opportunity to set its course and
to work at the two mandates,"
Hoek said.
"The WSO has an incredibly
important role with campus stifety
issues and the climate for women.
They are uniquely situated to
provide the services which are
actively as important as individual counselling. They are an
investment, and in the long run
will reduce some ofthe counselling
needs," Hoek said.
Horsman said, "Once again,
women are undermined; once
again women are manipulated
into auxiliary, adjunct positions
within the male administration."
Manning says structural change necessary
Protestors question Reform
leader on party's policies
Ottawa or bust.
Society surveys UBC student
knowledge of the Arab World
by Tanya Paz
The new AMS Arab Student
Society has surveyed 50 UBC students, to test their knowledge of
the Arab World. The club is concerned about how Arabs are perceived.
It was Hanadi Loubani's idea
to do a survey. "The purpose was
to inform Arabs as well as Canadians. We want to help other
Arabs [such as] new students with
language barriers but mainly our
purpose is education."
After the results of the survey
had been tabulated, the club held
their first general meeting on October 17. "The survey gave us an
idea as to what is needed. We
wanted to see what people thought
in general; there is so much misinformation about the Arab
World," Loubani said.
Asked to list ten ofthe 21 Arab
countries, seven per cent answered
correctly and roughly 78 per cent
listed Iran incorrectly. 62 per cent
correctly named three pertinent
Arab personalities. The most
popular answers were Saddam
Hussein, Yassar Arafat, and
Momar Qadafi. Ofthe 16 per cent
who included wrong answers,
Khoumeni, Rushdie, and Gandhi
were mentioned.
Most ofthe students surveyed
knew that the majority of Arabs
are Muslims, but did not know
that there are Christian and Jewish Arabs. Lina Nahhas, a Palestinian from the United Arab
Emirates, defined Arab as: "A
person whose mother tongue is
Arabic and who is born in an area
of the Arab world. They share a
common history and goals."
Various images came to students' minds when hearing the
word Arab. Ninety-five per cent
had images of war such as "burning oil fields, violent, hi-jacking,
anti-West, extremists, Gulf war,
and political instability". An even
higher number, 99 per cent, had
an image "we like to call Arabian
Nights", Loubani said. Images
listed were camels, desert, harems, sand, and sheiks.
The club said that the images
of Arab women were also misinformed. Seventy-three per cent
listed "oppressed, suppressed, exploited, no political power, no
choice, and restricted". Images of
"harems, veils, black clothing,
belly-dancer, and jewelery" were
listed by 57 per cent of those surveyed.
Loubani said, "A lot of people
would think that we came up with
our feminist ideas in the West—
that prior to coming we had no
idea about equality and pride in
ourselves. We were feminists before we came here; we are third
world feminists in touch with our
base. Being able to wear shorts
does not mean I'm free. [I'm more
interested in] access to political
power rather than access to fashion."
When the topic of Jews came
up, Loubani and Nahhas sai d that
they did not want to turn the interview into a discussion on the
Palestinian problem. "We are
Semites as well," Nahhas said.
"[The media] make it look like we
are Jew-haters—descendents of
Hitler's. We were second on his
list," Loubani added.
On Thursday, October 31st, the
Arab Student Society had its first
workshop, titled Images of the
Arab World. Loubani said, "Our
main goal is to educate ourselves
and educating others." Nahhas
said, "this is not exclusive to Arabs, nor is it to non-Arabs. It is
open for everyone. It's a learning
experience for us, too. Not just a
socializing society."
The society plans to have
workshops every other Thursday
and perhaps an Arab week for
next semester.
by Rick Hiebert
Preston Manning, the leader
of the Reform Party of Canada,
came to UBC to speak Tuesday to
inspire students "to pursue fundamental changes in Canada's
political system" but some students took objection to what they
say Manning's party stands for.
Manning, who is currently on
a cross-country speaking tour
concentrating on English Canadian universities, came to UBC to
explain the three basic areas on
which his party wants to work:
constitutional change, reform of
Parliament and restructuring
government finances.
He opened his speech with
the traditional politician's line
that he was "very glad to be at
UBC." However, perhaps he felt
like changing his mind after the
speech, as members ofthe Coalition Against the Reform Party
(CAR!?) were there to grill him
with tough questions on abortion,
race relations, government
spending and his party's ideas on
Before the speech they held a
demonstration, chanting "Racist,
sexist, anti-gay, Preston Manning,
go away."
During the question and answer session, one CARP member,
citing Reform policy in favour of
"preserving the traditions of the
RCMF1", argued that the party was
being racist against Orthodox
Sikhs, who wear turbans. One
Mountie, in Quesnel, wears a turban with his uniform.
"You hide a great deal of racism behind your support of restoring the traditions of the RCMP,
including the uniform," he said.
Manning replied that the
party's stance the RCMP uniform
rested on the idea of "if you can't
change; the uniform to satisfy everyone, it shouldn't be changed at
all.—If' someone said that evangelical Christians should be allowed to wear belt buckles on their
uniforms in the form of large
crosses, it would cause just as
much concern to us."
Another CARP member challenged Manning on the abortion
issue, saying that "the Reform
party is preparing, by allowing
the possibility of a referendum on
it, toreopen the abortion debate...a
debate already decided by the Supreme Court's decision to allow
women the right to choose."
Manning said the Reformers
didn't "have a party pro-life position on the abortion issue" and
that MPs should intensely poll
their constituents on moral issues
like abortion and vote according
to any consensus there found.
In his speech Manning said
the malaise in the West about
federalism was a wide-spread
"We're beginning to suspect
that this feeling of beingleft out is
something that is starting to unite
Canadians," Manning said.
"Canada needs one of those
reform movements like the ones
in Eastern Europe, one dedicated
to systemic changes that are outside the traditional set up. The
old line parties refuse to listen,"
he said. 'T'he universities and the
schools are the hotbeds of our reform traditionin Western Canada.
That's why I am here. That's why
the other leaders aren't."
He added that a need for
structural reform was something
that should unite Canadians of all
political ideals.
"If your country is divided, if
your federal government is literally broke and your parliament
consistently doesn't represent
majority opinion on the issues of
the day, whatever your interests
in politics, in other areas, the
federal government is an ineffective instrument for addressing
them. You need to fix the biggest
problems first," Manning said.
Manning, whose party has
called for significant cuts to
spending and a balanced federal
budget, said Canada's federal debt
is "literally eating up the federal
budget from the inside."
The Reform leader also discussed Canada's constitutional
"Our house is divided along
the most dangerous lines possible,
those of race, language and culture," Manning said, adding that
despite federal government attempts to bridge the gap between
English and French, "Quebec, it
appears, is more alienated from
the rest of Canada, than ever."
He said the Reformers felt
that Quebec should decide
whether it wants to separate from
Canada, then everyone in Canada
(with or without Quebec) should
restructure Canada as they wish.
Elections should follow in Quebec
and Canada as a whole in order to
give a mandate to parties to pursue constitutional negotiations.
After a negotiated deal, the deal
should be approved by a national
"We should see if a new
Canada and a new Quebec can
stay together. That's what we
want to see happen, but if that
can't be done, we should part
amicably," Manning said.
November 1,1991
Animal rights: horse racing inhumane
by Martin Chester
VANCOUVER(CUP)—The thousands of viewers who watched the
Queen's Plate horse race at
Woodbine Racetrack in Toronto
three weeks ago witnessed a tragedy.
As the horses came off the
final turn and headed to the finish
line, Isvestia, the second
winningest Canadian horse, pulled
up lame. The TV cameras watched
as this four year old horse limped
into a carrier to be taken for medical
Hours later, Isvestia was humanely put to death. He had shattered his leg.
According to Peter Hamilton
of the Vancouver based animal
rights group, LifeForce, Isvestia's
is far from a rare case.
Just two weeks earlier a horse
called Top Class was humanely
killed after breaking its leg during
a race, Hamilton said. Many horses
suffer the same fate throughout
the country.
But incidents like these illustrate just the surface ofthe problem. Hamilton said other problems
include poor facilities, abusive
training techniques, the use of
drugs and running young horses.
The Toronto Humane Society
has investigated horse racing in
Denise Mally of the humane
society's education department
said *We have received a lot of
information from American humane societies and have investigated in Canada.
"We found the problems were
not as severe as in the US, but they
did exist," Mally said.
She said the THS does not
agree with horse racing at all, but
hopes to at least change the practices of trainers and breeders.
"There are too many cases of
breakdowns and pile-ups and
horses having to be put down, like
what happened to Isvestia," Mally
said. THS' campaign will begin
with the distribution of a information sheet which they recently
put together.
"There haven't been a lot of
cases of animal abuse," Mally said.
"The majority of Ontario
horsetracks have been good in that
"It's not the conditions ofthe
race tracks we are concerned with,
we're concerned about the drugs
and the racing of horses under
Mally said horses under two
have not fully developed their
bones or muscles, so injuries are
more common.
A second concern is the use of
drugs such as phenylbutazone,
commonly known as Bute, which
is an anti-inflammatory used to
control local swelling and Lasix
which prevent internal bleeding
and nose bleeds.
"The Toronto Humane Society does not agree with using
drugs," she said. "If the horse is
injured, or has a problem and it
needs drugs to be administered
then it shouldn't be raced."
Hamilton said the problem is
that the horses are not a priority.
"In all these entertainment businesses their main concern is
making a lot of money, exploiting
the animals. The welfare of the
animals comes second," he said.
Margaret Evans, assistant
editor of BC Thoroughbred, a
magazine published by the Cana
dian Thoroughbred Horse Society,
said trainers and owners take every precaution to keep the horse
"You try to do everything to
avoid injury; to do everything to
keep the animal fit and sound,
physically and mentally," Evans
"These kinds of injuries can
step. When speed is the central
part, there is always an element of
danger," she said.
Evans said there were some
problems with a few trainers and
some facilities. "There is always
room for improvement everywhere
to make things safer."
She said incidents like the one
that caused Isvestia's death were
not common. "It's relatively rare,
given the number of horses. It's a
very very small number, I think
less than one per cent."
Had Isvestia's break been a
clean one, he would be alive today.
The break shattered Isvestia's leg.
Even if the leg had been able
to mend, Evans said the horse
would still have suffered. "It would
have basically been a three-legged
horse, then you have to equate in
quality of life," she said.
Mally also pointed to the use
of "milkshakes," a combination of
water, sugar and baking soda
which is force fed by sticking a *""
tube down the horse's throat. The > _
concoction is meant to help the
horse's digestion and to give it an
energy boost, but Mally said it also
increases urination and helps dilute drugs which may have been
used. -*•■•■■
"[Milkshaking] is on a trial
basis and should not be administered to horses until the effects are
known," she said.
Other concerns include over-
breeding, selling horses for horse
meat, and possible abusive train-    •^».
ing methods, Mally and Hamilton |
both said. But they also said infor-      '**"
mation on these concerns was very
"I haven't come across any
problems of training methods,"
Mally said. "I know there are     _.
problems in the US, but you have     ^
to know a lot about horses and     *•*-
horse racing to investigate that."
Canada's importance
decreasing in Europe
bv Tanva Paz
Last week Canada's ambassador to Germany, William Thomas
Del worth, spoke at UBC about
Canada's position in "The New
Europe". He said the recent
changes in the world are profound,
particularly considering the number of foreign policy institutions
established since World War II,
such as NATO.
"NATO must continue in existence," Delworth said, "The Europe of smaller national units is in
many ways less stable than the
Europe ofthe post-war period."
Nationalism in Eastern Europe is increasing, while in the
West, nationalism is no longer
fashionable, Delworth said, "particularly in a large country like
"It is totally unrealistic to say
that there is no threat left. We
[Canada] cannot live in an unstable
world. The Americans can, they're
a big power; we cannot," said
Delworth. "Canada cannot always
be sure that our interests can be
taken into account."
The European perception of
Canada is changing with Europe.
"I think that the vision in Europe
of Canada todayisprobably smaller
than 40 years ago. The role of
Canada...has become significantly
less, yet what is at stake with us is
significantly   greater,"   said
UBC's Canadian foreign policy
expert, Professor Donald Munton,
agreed. "I think that some have
tended to exaggerate the role [of
Canadain the past]. It has [always]
been relatively small."
Delworth said he felt that
Canada has become less internationalist and more internally concerned. He said the Canadian view
of internationalism is declining
because increasing amounts of
power are being delegated to the
Munton disagrees, "Under the
Mulroney government we are preoccupied with the US; Canada took
the easy route internationally."
On the topic of the European
Economic Community, Delworth
and Munton basically agree. "The
EEC is here to stay as a factor that
will become increasingly important
to Canada over the next decade,"
Delworth said. "The likelihood that
Canada could improve its role in
Europe is less," said Munton.
When asked about media
skepticism of the rising Naziism,
anti-"Semitism", and xenophobia
in Germany, Delworth said that it
"distorts the political process and
creates the image abroad that
Germany is up to its old tricks
again—an image that hurts them."
He did not mention the daily and
recent Nazi Youth attacks on Jews.
Music that made your bow tie spin by the UBC symphony orchestra
during their noon hour concert series.
AIDS: Winnipeg home-care
group gets federal funding
WINNIPEG(CUP)—A one-of-a-
kind AIDS home-care group has
been granted $140,000 by the federal department of health and
welfare in an unprecedented show
of support.
The volunteer group Kali-
Shiva—named for the Hindu gods
of life and death—will use the
money to make a video and document its work since it started in
Budget coordinator Jessica
Wood said the group started when
the family of a man with AIDS
called on its family and friends to
help care for him until he died.
"After that, the family decided
there was a need for this kind of
service in Winnipeg, and that is
how Kali-Shiva was initiated," she
Wood said the group's main
objective is to help those living
with AIDS to live at home. Volunteers work in shifts preparing
meals, helping with housework or
personal care. They also cover for
family members who need a break.
The group of 60 volunteers
work anywhere from two to 20
hours each week, depending on
the amount of care an individual
needs. They are currently tending
to 12 people, she said.
The volunteers are trained in
the aspects of care for a person
with AIDS, she said. Butthey aren't
just caretakers—they often become
the family of someone who has
been abandoned, she added.
"Many a time the inflicted
person will be gay, and families
and friends may not be able to cope
with that, and will not respond
well when that person becomes
sick," Wood said.
Kali-Shiva founding member
Matthew Lawrence said it is important to allow people to die in a
comfortable setting.
"The group helps patients
maintain their dignity and have
more control in their lives than if
they were in a sanitized, less personal environment in a hospital
which may make them sicker," he
Although the group is being
funded by the federal government,
he said he hopes it will retain its
grassroots, volunteer nature.
Kali-Shiva relies on doctors,
churches, public service announcements and word of mouth
to recruit new members, as well as
to get the message out to people
who may want the service,
Lawrence said.
Wood said these recruits are
trained on an on-going basis.
"We have a newsletter that
keeps them up to date on what is
happening in the HIV community.
We try and communicate well so
that the families will get the most
out of the group."
November 1,1991 SPORTS
Clan overruns UBC
by Don Pyzant
SFU Peak
The UBC Thunderbirds came
away empty handed against cross-
town rivals Simon Fraser University Clansmen in the 1991 version
ofthe Buchanan basketball classic
in Burnaby on Wednesday.
UBC's women were clearly
outplayed by a very strong SFU
squad led by seniors Andrea
Schnider and Michelle Hendry
going down 82-47.
Although guards Lisa Nickie
and Roj Johal were standouts for
the Thunderbirds, UBC could not
match the Clan bench. With the
loss UBC is now 0-3 against the
Clan in their annual tilt for the
Barbara Rae trophy.
In the men's game, SFU's tenacious defence gave them a 43-33
lead at half time. UBC never led
but came to within eight points
midway through the second half
before SFU pulled away to an 88-
73 victory.
Jason Leslie figured heavily
in the Thunderbird offence, scoring
28 points, while Clan forward Andrew Steinfeld and guard David
Munro combined for 36 SFU points.
The Thunderbirds were without high-scoring forward J.D.
Jackson who is out with an ankle
injury suffered during the weekend.
UBCisnow 7-10-1 against the
Clan in Buchanan Cup play.
• The women's team is hosting the
West Coast Classic tournament
this weekend at War Memorial
The tournament will include
the University of Victoria Vikings,
the University of Winnipeg
Wesmen and the McMaster University Marauders.
UBC will play McMaster on
Saturday at 5:30 pm and Winnipeg
on Sunday at 4 pm.
• And both the football and men's
soccer team will play some pivotal
contests this weekend.
The men's soccer team hosts
the University of Alberta Golden
Bears in a contest to decide first
place in Canada West play today
at OJ Todd Field starting at 3 pm.
And the football team faces
the University of Saskatchewan
Huskies on Saturday at
Thunderbird Stadium starting at
The Thunderbirds will have
to beat the Huskies and the University of Manitoba Bisons will
have to beat the University of
Calgary Dinosaurs to get a berth
in the playoffs.
Canada West Scoreboard
Men's Basketball vs. York University - Thurs.,
Womens Soccer
Oct. 31 8:30 pm at War Memorial Gym & vs. Seattle
F   A  Pts
Christian AthleteB - Mon., Nov. 4 8:30pm at War
9    4    9
Memorial Gym
11   4   7
Women's Basketball West Coast Classic Tourna
10 10  7
ment Fri., Nov. 1 7:30pm McMastervs. Winnipeg;
British Columbia
7   12  4
Sat, Nov. 2  5:30pm  UBC vs. McMaBter 7:30pm
4  11  3
UVic vs. Winnipeg; Sun., Nov, 3 4pm UBC vs.
Winnipeg & 6pm UVic vs. McMaster. All games at
Mens Soccer
War Memorial Gym
F   A  Pts
Men's Field Hockey vs. India FHC (B side) - Sat.
British Columbia
31   3   14
Nov. 2 2:30pm at OJ Todd Fields
18   3   11
15   7   9
Rugby vs. Cowichan - Sun., Nov. 3 2:30pm at OJ
Todd Fields
8   12  5
4  20  4
Men's Soccer vs. U of Alberta - Fri., Nov. 1 3pm
1   32   1
at OJ Todd Fields & vs. U of Saskachewan - Sat,
Nov. 2 2pm at OJ Todd Fields
Women's Soccer vs. U of Alberta- Fri., Nov. 1 3pm
A Pts
at OJ Todd Fields & vs. U of Saskatchewan - Sat,
132   10
Nov. 2 2pm at OJ Todd Fields
156    8
Women's Volleyball vs. Sparta Club Team (USSR)
188    8
- Wed., Nov. 6 8 pm at Capilano College
British Columbia
137    6
216    4
Women's Field Hockey CIAU ChampionBhipB -
Halifax, N.S. Oct 31 - Nov. 3
This Week in Varsity Sports
Bowing Portland Invitational • Portland Nov. 2
Swimming Husky Relays - Seattle, WA Nov. 1
Football vs.UofSaskatchewan
-Sat,Nov.2 lpm Men's Volleyball Bison Invitational - Winnipeg,
at Thunderbird Stadium
Mb. Oct.31-Nov.2
Hockey  vs. U of Brandon
. FriTSat, Nov. 1-2 Women'* Volleyball   Bison Invitational - Win-
7:30pm at the Winter Centre
mpeg, Mb. Nov. 1 -2
Sideline festivities provided most of the action during the annual T-cup
football game staged this year on Halloween.
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Rock climber Mike Spagnett tries out the new climbing wall found
backstage at the SUB auditorium.
Up, up and away
Climbing wall opens in SUB theatre
by Mark Nielsen
Peanuts, popcorn
and.,.took climbing?
It may sound like a
strange combination, but in
behind the silver screen at
the SUB Auditorium can now
be found a 20-foothighindoor
climbing wall.
And while it won't be
open when movies are being
shown, the wall gives rock
climbing enthusiasts aplace
to hone their skills throughout the winter while the
bigger bluffs at Squamish are
covered with snow.
Backed by the Varsity
Outdoor Club, it took Mike
Spagnett approximately 100
hours to complete theproject.
First, he covered the cement
wall with a resin-sand composite that simulates the
friction of natural rock. Then
he drilled over 600 holes into
the wall into which any of a
number of modular-holds can
be bolted.
"It required a hell of a lot
of drilling," Spagnett said. "I
think the people downstairs
were wondering if we were trying to tunnel into the bank
vault or something we were
making so much noise,"
The modular-holds allow
climbers to lay out routes
ranging from easy to tough in
terms of difficulty, and the wall
itself is big enough to hold up
to five people at one time.
The actual idea for a climbing wall on campus is about
ten years old but had been actively pursued for only the last
few years according to
Spagnett. The VOG originally
wanted to put up a "traverse"
wall along the hallway in behind the arcade—on which
people would climb length-wise
not up, negating the need for
ropes. But the traffic was found
to be too heavy.
Then Micheal Kingsmill,
the architect who designed the
SUB, suggested the backstage
at the SUB Auditorium, to
which the VOC agreed, and
gained approval from the
AMS in the summer.
Depending on the wall's
popularity, Spagnett said it
may only be the start of
something bigger—it maybe
a stepping stone for a bigger
wall in the Recreation Facility that the university is
planning to build.
"I think the wall we have
now is sufficient for maybe
present needs, but as soon
as momentum builds up on
campus for the interest in
climbing walls, it will be
grossly inadequate for the
demand," he said. "And I
think that this wall will show
that interest [for a wall in
JRec Fac] on campus."
Those who want to climb
the wall must become members of the VOG first and
then pay an additional annual fee to gain access to the
keys for the wall. As well, all
climbers must show that
they are able to belay and
climb using a top-rope safely.
November 1,1991
THE UBYSSEY/5 The universal slacker
against one-reality life
by Raul Peschiera
THEY'RE everywhere.
You sit beside them in
classrooms, overhear them in
club line-ups or converse with
them during lunch. They go to
university, they hang-out with
their circle of friends and they
have no idea what they want.
They are your friends, fellow
students and most probably you.
And they are the subject of
Richard Linklater's debut film
The Starlight
November 1-7
Slacker begins with a man
(Linklater) at a bus station
flagging a cab then explaining a
dream to the driver, who seems
more interested in dropping him
off. He says all our thoughts
create alternate realities that go
on to lead completely separate
lives but we will never know
what those lives are because
"we're kind of trapped in this one
reality restriction type thing."
The film loosely works
around this "one reality restriction" by not following one or a set
group of characters.
For most ofthe film, the
camera is an innocuous viewer
walking through Austin, Texas
for a day and never lingering too
long before moving onto another
who may just be passing by.
Slacker has no "storyline"
nor does it ever return to a
previous character, but
Linklater's motive is not to
present one single story. He
presents a variety and opens up
the narrow scope of a single film
Through this technique, he
shows the prevalent life of
university students and graduates, struggling to control their
lives by trying to find purpose
and meaning through conversation and philosophy. They all feel
their lives are on the verge of
intellectual enlightenment.
It is this struggle that the
film portrays so well. During and
after formal education, those
students who have not immersed
themselves in the "real world" of
secure, steady jobs must continue their search for knowledge
without guidance while they just
kill time.
As one character says when
asked what he does:
"You mean work? To hell
with the kind of work you have
to do to earn a living. All that
does is fill the bellies ofthe pigs
that exploit us. Hey, look at
me...rm making it. I may live
badly, but at least I don't have to
work to do it."
Above all, this film is about
the present and inert youth
generation that tries to retain its
freedom while carving out an
original purpose and identity by
borrowing from the past.
Though not perfect, Slacker
is adventurous—innovatively
shot, combining film and video,
and offering many memorable,
humourous characters. How can
you not like a film that can
incorporate Madonna's pap
smear? ("Gets you a little closer
to the rock God herself than a
poster," says a character trying
to sell it.)
The ending is superb and
though many characters may
seem lost and out of their minds,
it remains inspiring.
SISTERHOOD is a proud
link between the different Black women surviving
and organizing in communities.
Sisters in the Struggle, a
film about the contemporary
Black women's movement in
Canada, highlights some of
the Black Canadian women
who may claim each other as
sisters through their political
The politics of sisterhood
Sisters in the Struggle
Robson Square Cinema
November 5
Co-directed by Dionne
Brand, the documentary
focuses on Black women in
the sexist and racist workplace and contextualizes
racist events since the 1970s.
Combining original music by
Faith Nolan, clips of footage
and interviews, Sisters in the
Struggle is a rhythmic collage.
The interviews with Black
Canadian women active in
government politics, labour
\mions and feminist organizations show the diverse perspectives and priorities of
Black women in the feminist
movement. Most ofthe
women filmed are involved
with the Toronto Black
community, though as Brand
.says, she did not include
enough Canadian-born Black
There are some interesting scenes with seven women
ofthe Toronto Black Women's
Collective, who talk about
schoolyard experiences,
personal and political influences, and the organizing
that must happen across lines
of race, sexuality, gender and
One woman ofthe collective, who speaks out about
being a lesbian, exemplifies
the complexities of racism
compounded by homophobia.
Her voice as a dyke alludes to
the frustration of trying to
find her place as a lesbian in
the work against racism.
Rosemary Brown (executive director of MATCH
International Centre) speaks
about the polite racism ofthe
1970s and Dionne Falconer, a
Black Women's Collective
member, makes a poignant
statement about working-
class Black women. "When
the whole world is asleep,
Black women are working,"
she says.
Brand says Black women
must integrate sexism and
racism within the women's
movement or a integral part
ofthe Black movement will
be imprisoned by sexism.
"Many Black women get
sidetracked into thinking
...that for the sake of race, we
should compromise ourselves
as women. But we are the
Sisters in the Struggle
brings together many sentiments of those affected by
racism, but 49 minutes is
not sufficient time to develop any ofthe issues.
Brand is a writer and
poet, who has six books of
poetry and other works
published. She says she
applies the rhythms and
sensual images she uses
in poetry to film as a visual text.
Brand says she wants
Sisters in the Struggle to
reach Black women and
show them the range of
perspectives in the Black
women's movement. "I
want them to know they
are more than Spike Lee's
depiction of them, for example, and then some."
This National Film
Board production  i-.
second in a Studm D
series called Women
at the Well. (Brand
was assistant d i n
tor of Older Stron
ger Wiser, thefi r-
in the series >
Brand will be
present at the
screening of
Sisters in the
Struggle at
7:30pm. Free
.v*.*?jf   -V*-.;:.- '-MSB*
-J- 'V.T
A lady's scandalous two-whe«(l ofo
by Sharlene Azam
SET in England at the turn
of the century, Bicycle
Ladies is strikingly different
from any other animated film
I've seen as all the ingredients
essential to a good story are
Bicycle Ladies
October 22
Jill Haras magically brings
her characters to life. The
figures are dynamic and graceful. Their one-dimensional, cutout forms are easily transcended
by their fluidity of movement.
The star of Bicycle Ladies,
Maddy Endicott, combines a
delightfully naughty or devilish
charm with the effervescence of
a child. Her "highly unusual"
desire, which puts her in all,
sorts of embarrassing situations, is to do the unthinkable—
ride a bicycle.
Although Bicycle Ladies is
filmed in black and white to
capture the oppressive times of
the machine age, the mischievous Maddy has brilliant red
tresses that perfectly match her
impish, spritely Puck-like
The many flower beds in
the film, reminiscent of
Spenser's gardens, are also
black and white with the
exception of a single rose. The
only flower touched by colour is
the red rose Maddy"s husband,
himself to teaching her how to
ride. Unfortunately, her awkward
Victorian dress proves disatrous
for riding. Determined to make
his wife happy, Chester designs a
side-saddle bicycle that accommodates the profusion of her dress
at the expense of her balance.
Bicycle Ladies is a consciousness-raising vehicle, which
appeals to the part of me that
wants to know more about
women's history and their onging
Maddy is the rebellion of one
woman against the horrific
confinement and oppression of all
women during the 1800s. When
Chester, gives her when he *■—v Maddy finally rides through the
playfully tries to seduce her ( jcrowded streets victorious, her
from her scandalous scheme of^Xcumbersome dress, bustle and
learning to ride a bicycle. corset fly from her body and the
Chester fearlessly braves look on her face expresses the joy
society's shame and commits of escape.
The Women's Club displayed a collection of stills
(available for sale) from the
film that evening. At first my
eye only saw cut out figures
pasted onto a rather flat
background. However, I drew
closer to the pieces and noticed
intricate detail in each one.
Animator Tami Knight reassembled 250 figures that
were drawn and cut-out, and
articulated every moveable
joint with tiny wire coils. Then
the characters were painted
and arranged on 150 stencilled
Bicycle Ladies was written
in 1984 for the National Film
Board, part of a series on
transportation for Expo '86.
Pre-sold to CBC from its
conception, the film has been
aired twice.
It was a finalist in the
American Film Festival and is
presently in competition at the
LA Animation Toumee, The film
has been selected for screenings
at the Melbourne (Australia)
Children's Festival, Chicago
Children's Festival, Giffoni
(Italy) Children's Festival and
the Vancouver International
Film Festival.
After spending four years
producing animated films,
Haras is changing her focus. The
excruciatingly slow process of
animation has been replaced by
her new project—chili en's
books. "I can tell the story with
one image per page, which is
very different from animation.
It's more exciting because the
entire process is faster, the
results are faster," Haras says.
>■*-,     • •   '>SfM-
November 1,1991
November 1,1991
Focus on Leibovitz
by Sylvia Grttce Borda
_T is said to photograph is
more than to reproduce; it is to transform. One contemporary American
photographer who wields the power to
become an agent of image metamorphosis is Annie Leibovitz.
Iconographer Leibovitz is known
for her photographs in the Rolling
Stones magazine and, most recently,
for her controversial Vanity Fair cover
of Demi Moore.
Leibovitz appeared at the
Vancouver Public Library October 23 to
promote her new book—Annie
Leibovitz: Photographs, 1970-1990—to
a capacity crowd. The library was
brimmed with eager listeners, who
filled the main floor, the staircase and
She said did not expect so many
people, but the celebrity photographer
has become a celebrity herself.
The presentation was a glimpse
into the public and personal side of
Leibovitz. She showed slides of photographs which are in her book—images
ranged from intimate black and white
family portraits to a pompous colour
photograph of Ivana and Donald
Despite a powerful range of work,
the essence of her art has not altered
over the years. Perhaps this is the
trademark of a woman who
not only understands
popular culture, but
the medium that
represents it.
"I no longer
believe that there
is such a thing as
objectivity. Everyone
has a point of view.
Some call it style, but what
we're really talking about is the
guts of a photograph,"she writes.
-     sM
■ x\\y^x-
Rose garden
too perfect
by Bill Denham
HOLLYWOOD films draw
characters that are too
perfect. They aren't people living
in a world to which we can
relate. Though Rambling Rose
can be recommended, this
Hollywood-itis renders it medio
Rambling Rose
now playing
The story revolves around
the misadventures of a young
woman named Rose, who is hired
by a loving, straight-laced
Southern family.
She causes lots of trouble for
Daddy and Mommy (played by
Robert Duvall and Kane Ladd).
And one ofthe kids she takes
care of, Buddy (Lukas Haas),
falls in love with her.
Laura Dern as Rose gives a
performance with few highlights,
which is disappointing as the
character she portrays might
have been three-dimensional
with a little imagination. The
performance of Haas as Buddy is
the only one really worth
Robert Duvalrds a wonderful
actor, and does the best he can
with this role. Unfortunately,
there is not a lot of rang*. His
character is about 98 percent
perfect, and the remaining two
per cent is corrected by Momi
who is entirely pure.
The film is entertaining,
with some genuinely funny
moments, but I wouldn't go so fai
as to call it a "comic masterpiece"
as one reviewer supposedly did.
The cinematography is
muted, fuzzy and sentimental—
does this kind of light really exist
in the American South?   Rambling Rose has a feminist
message, but it's about as fuzzy
as the light and is conveyed in a
sledgehammer-style. Daddy and
the evil male doctor conspire
(with horrible glints in their eyes
and drool dripping from their
fangs) to deprive Rose of her
"womanhood", until GOD in the
form of Mommy tells them it will
happen "over her dead body."
Daddy then admits, "Ah wuz
rawng, sweedhod, ah wuz
If you're in a schmaltzy,
sentimental mood, this is the
film for you.
Women dream of
stars and light
by Yo8sarian King
STEELY-EYED, granite-
jawed heroes with phasers
on stun, boldly piloting giant
phalluses of glistening steel and
chrome toplgcejs^o man h;
gorjeJseforeTDog-eared second
riand paperbacks with gaudy,
unlikely covers, devoured
voraciously by pimply adolescent
youths with home computers,
coke-bottle glasses, and limited
social skills.
These are the common
misconceptions of science fiction.
     ii i'l i
Science Fiction through
Women's Eyes
Arts Club
October 25	
As author and White Rock
resident Leona Gom points out,
much of science fiction "combines
technology with a macho attitude." But there is far more to
the genre than male-oriented
stereotypes, as a packed house of
several hundred people learned
at the Arts Club last Friday.
The early days of science
fiction were dominated by tales
of rockets, weapons, and explosions, but the '60s saw an influx
of female writers, like Ursula Le
Guin, who introduced the social
sciences to science fiction. This
new emphasis on people and
relationships greatly broadened
the scope ofthe genre, increasing
its potential and appeal.
"Science fiction allows you
to propose social or personal
alternatives and options," said
Le Guin, two-time winner ofthe
Hugo and Nebula awards.
An obvious topic to explore is
the tangled morass of male-
female relationships, andLe
Guin, Spears, and Gom have all
done so.
The Left Hand of Darkness,
published in 1969, is perhaps Le
Guin's best-known work. It tells
of Gethen, a planet of people who
are neither male nor female, but
.sexual potentials who may
tineither direction for the ■
durationof-a^natingcycle. "One
is respected adjudged only as a
human being. You cl&mot cast a
Gethenian in the role ofMan or
Woman...Itis an appalling^
experience for a Terran [Earlb
Moonfall, Spears first
attempt at science fiction, is
about a "normal" person in an
abnormal society of body-
sharing, mental twins. In the
folklore of this society, there was
once a town in which only
women were born, until there
were no more males and so no
more children. Men finally
arrived at the town, but the last
surviving women died laughing
at the men's hairy features and
"burnt voices,"
In Gom's Y Chromosome,
also her first work of science
fiction, no males are being born,
while women keep reproducing
through a process of "ovofusion".
The Men's Defence League
claims it is a feminist conspiracy,
and incites the surviving men to
strike back, attacking and
burning women's centres (not to
mention other centres of culture
that remind them ofthe past,
such as libraries, museums and
galleries) until the TV news is
filled with "a sea of men shouting
their impotent rage at the skies."
"Science fiction takes you to
a strange place where the light is
different," Le Guin said.
The forum showed that
female science fiction authors are
using this strange light for
thought-provoking illumination
of the very real struggles of our/
ers in exile
fey Lucho van Isschot
. EVERAL Latin American
authors presented a broad
range of genres and styles last
Friday at the Vancouver International Writers Festival Literary
The evening began with a
group of poetry readings by
Carmen Rodriguez, a Chilean-
born author now based in
Breaking Through the
October 25
Her latest work, entitled
Guerra Prolongada (Protracted
War) explores the lives of Latin
Americans living in exile (like
Rodriguez herself).
Many Latin Americans have
been forced to leave their
homelands for political reasons—
for self-preservation. As such,
they live in a state of limbo,
constantly monitoring the events
unfolding in their homelands,
constantly wondering when they
might be allowed to return.
Rodriguez spoke about a
protracted war, a personal and
political revolution, and the
tensions which tear at the exiled.
While Rodriguez also
covered a broad range of issues,
her words were most powerful
when they spoke of her own
The poems of Nelson
Rodriguez (Carmen's younger
brother) pursued a similar vein.
Nelson's most moving piece
focussed upon his experience as
an exiled Chilean writer. He
vividly fleshed out many ofthe
issues brought up by his sister.
Nelson acknowledged it may
be safe for him to return to Chile
now, but he can no longer afford
to do so. He has built a life for
himself in Vancouver—a family,
a job, friends and colleagues—
which he cannot leave.
But what of dying in exile
and never resolving the tensions
within his conscience that forced
him to leave Chile? These were
soihe ofthe most important
questions brought up during the
Salvador Ferreras, a local,
Puerto-Rican born musician, was
the cabaret's master of ceremonies. Ferreras and his band
played their own interpretations
of traditional folk and modern
Latin American songs in-
between (and during) readings.
The music began in quiet
tones but, as the evening
progressed, it became more
distracting. One Argentinean
essayist who, by her own
admission, had difficulty communicating in English, was almost
drowned out.
A Chilean poet Carmen
Berenguer's words competed
with bongo, flute and saxophone
solos, however her poems were
innovative in style and progressive in content.
At times the literary cabaret
was genuinely thought-provoking. An unfortunate lack of
forethought was evident in the
overall presentation.
November 1,1991 Crime does not
Regarding the implication you
made in your letter "Pay Up"
(Ubyssey, October 16, 1991): Tm
intrigued. You state that the richest 10 per cent of Canadians own
50 per cent of Canada's private
wealth, and that this wealth is
more than enough to
pay off the National Debt. Are you
trying toimply that we should force
these people to pay off the Debt?
That we should perhaps "nationalize" their wealth? "Nationalization" or "expropriation" or any of a
multitude of similar words is simply another way of saying theft.
Theft is the application of force by
one person onto another in order to
make that person give up the
products of their labour without
just compensation. Is this what
you are implying we should do?
That we should steal to pay our
Even stipulating that this could
be done, confiscating these private
assets will not address the long-
term problem of our National Debt.
The Debt did not "just happen'. It
grew over a period of years as a
result of the application of the
"something for nothing" fallacy—
we can't have what we want but we
don't have to pay for it. What would
occur in another ten years once the
Debt had ballooned again? Who
would you sacrifice then? (And
don't answer the rich—you may be
able to skin them once, but not
twice. Afterrobbing them once, Fm
sure they would not stick around
to be robbed again.)
Since theft cannot solve the
problem of our National Debt, what
can? The answer is relatively
simple. The Government of
Canada itself owns a huge amount
of property. Not just land and corporations, but liquid and non-liquid
assets such as foreign currency,
gold, buildings, vehicles, andsoon.
Excluding the property used in
advancing the valid purposes of
government (that is, protecting its
citizens from force, either from foreign or domestic sources), this
property could be sold off to pay
the Debt. The total value of this
property should easily exceed the
total Debt.
As to the long-term solution of
the Debt. The only solution is to
admit that you must pay for what
you get, ala TANSTAAFL (There
Ain't No Such Thing As A Free
Lunch). The Government must be
prohibited from forcing its citi zens
to support projects that do not benefit them. Almost every program
supported by the Government began as a way to buy votes; of and by
themselves, they do nothing but
destroy what they espouse to preserve. These pork-barrelling programs have contributed greatly to
the size ofthe Debt; they must go.
The only justifiable function of
government is to protect its citizens from the use of force, be it
actual or threatened, domestic or
foreign. Any other "benefits" that a
government provides are actually
immoral intrusions in the lives of
its citizens. These intrusions eventually lead to the problems we are
facing today and, taken to their
extreme, the agonies that the
Communist Bloc countries are
currently going through. By for-
biddingthe Govemmentto support
such stupidities, it would never
again be able to accumulate such a
massive Debt.
In short, the idea you imply is
indeed mind-boggling, as you say.
It is mind-boggling stupid. By implying that stealing is a justifiable
way of paying our Debt and that
there is nothing wrong in the fact
that the Debt was accumulated in
the first place, you are counselling
a continuation ofthe problem and,
ultimately, our own destruction. By
failing to mention that the Government has the means to pay the
Debt without resorting to theft,
you are being deliberately misleading.
Gary Probek
Computer Science
Keynes rules!!
Poor Martin Chester. In a pathetic attempt to shore up his
crumbling pro-Debt/anti-reality
position on the federal economic
crisis, he has written yet another
letter to this esteemed publication, arguing that I need to "get
some humanity." My balanced-
budget/responsible-fiscal-management proposals, he cries, ignore
the REAL problem in Canada today—societal inequalities. Martin,
I am delighted to have the opportunity to respond to your comments, obtuse though they might
1) How do I think farmers/
Vancouver parents would react to
my arguments? I have no doubt
that many people would consider
my insistence that one should not
spend more than one has as being
nothing short of draconian. However, practical necessities and the
dictates of economic reality are not
swayed by the demands of special-
interest groups, however appealing or justified those demands
might appear. The individuals you
mentioned would no doubt appreciate further government handouts, but (and this may come as a
shock to your ignore-the-problem
Ostrich tactics, Martin) the money
Just Isn't There.
2) Do I think it's fair for PSAC to
be held to a zero percent wage
increase in the face of inflation and
rising interest rates? I have two
responses, Mr. Chester. First, what
do you think has fueled the rise in
interest rates? Let me give you a
hint: the debt and the deficit. Clear
enough for you? And second, do
YOU think it's fair for a
government to spend money its
citizens haven't even earned yet
(ie. the D words again, Mart),
thereby collapsing our economy?
3) Why don't we just tax corporations to pay the debt? Here we have
an easy (if illogical) rallying cry for
the perpetually misinformed, one
which appears to solve the problem
without straining the higher faculties at all—sort of a John
Lipscomb School of Finance approach. Allow me to disabuse you
of this notion, Martin. If you tax
corporations to pay for the overspending of government, the effects will be clearly and immediately disastrous. The companies
will leave the country (witness
NDP Ontario, Mr. Non-Myopic),
taking with them jobs, investment,
and tax revenue. The first two,
presumably, mean little to you,
Mr. Chester, but I would have
thought that you'd fight to the
death to keep your hold on the last
ofthe three.
Mr. Chester stated that he
would "simplify [his] argument and
try to get down to real situations."
Whatever his failure in that regard, he has clearly made one thing
highly evident—he is less concerned with reality than he is with
his own absurd notions of wealth
redistribution and societal restructuring. Take abreakfrom Das
Kapital for a second, Martin, and
try to understand this: without a
strong economy, without an atmosphere conducive to business and
hence to jobs, there will be no
wealth at all for you to hand out.
And without that wealth, your
plans for a Marxist utopia are not
only insane, they are impossible.
Jason Ford
Science 3
 t&ttefS '.:.
The incredibly skewed Perspective of October 22, with its
fiery talk about r aci st white rati sts
exploiting everyone else in a racist
system, positively screamed out
for a reply. Here's mine and I hope
that there will be others.
The passions of the author
appear to have been inflamed by a
very thoughtful letter by Mr. Chan
who expressed his view that it's
often wise to look at yourself before
hurling the label of "racist" at a
person who you feel has offended
you in some way. It's a nasty thing
to say about someone, so you'd
better be very, very sure that what
they said or did was based on your
ethnic background. It all sounds
logical enough and hardly implies
that native Indians, for example,
were responsible for the atrocities
committed against them. Yet, this
is exactly the message the authors
chose to read and then denounce in
their vitriolic letter. They then
went on to blast Mr. Chan's suggestion that Canada was a relatively tolerant place with several
admittedly valid examples of racism in this country. Well, so what?
Racism is everywhere; you won't
find a country free of it, but you'll
find a great many with a much
more severe case of this affliction
than Canada.
Apart from the usual garbage
about the exploitation of the proletariat by the evil capitalist pig-
dogs (showing alarmingly fewhard
facts, I thought, for an essay co-
written by a graduate), the letter
contained a disturbing streak of
hatred, as opposed to anger, which
made me wonder exactly how the
authors intended to deal with the
problem of racism. What sort of
constructive solution could this
attitude possibly lead to?
Finally, I would like to take a
swipe at the increasing number of
people who are criticizing The
Ubyssey for publishing "racist"
letters. While I have read truck-
loads of abuse in this esteemed
periodical directed against white
heterosexual males, I don't recall
any article or letter in which a
visible minority was (and rightly
so). However, the few who have
suggested merely that white heterosexual males might not have
exclusive rights to all known character defects have been figuratively
burned at the stake. Such an attitude is a form of discrimination in
itself as it denies other groups the
right to be imperfect; aren't we all
entitled to that?
Jan Palaty
Lipscomb school
of finance
The rich are responsible for
Canada's debt because the rich
essentially control government (see
my letter Jan. 8, 1991, p.15).
Federal governing parties are
mainly controlled by their corporate and private donors. Our tax
dollars are spent to ensure that
the rich stay rich. This may seem
counter-intuitive in that most
money goes toward social programs, however, these social programs are there to placate and
prevent Canadians from electing
parties tliat will actually equalize
power. Face it, wealth is concentrated among privileged, white
men. This is grossly unfair and
would not be the case if we had
democratic government. Government by and for the rich should be
paid for by the rich.
Rewriting Keith Lockitch, Oct.
16, p.15: What we really need is to
radically reduce luxury consumption by taxing it to the hilt. This is
only one ofthe many ways we can
truly achieve prosperity FOR ALL.
John Lipscomb
Public Information Session
Meeting about the Expo
Site soil dumping.
Tuesday, November 5th
Science World
1455 Quebec St.
(next to the Main Street
Sky Train station)
Speakers include Duane
Brothers, Head of Permit
Issuing Office for Environment Canada
David Gillis, Head of
Ocean Dumping Control
Federal Programmes
and others.
Lesbians and Gender
Bias Committee
Meeting: Nov. 7, 7:30pm
876 Commercial
Regarding submissions to
the Law Society's Gender
Bias Committee
For more info, call Barbara
at 251-4356
Make Canada
Your Business
A management career with the federal
Public Service is your chance to move
forward in the country's most diverse
professional environment.
Invitation to
The Government of Canada will
soon be recruiting 1992 master's
graduates for its Management
Trainee Program, and is looking
for talented people who are keenly
interested in becoming managers
with the Public Service of Canada.
To find out more on how you can
make Canada your business, join us
for an information session followed by
a reception in the
Henry Angus Building
Room 109
Thursday, November 7,1991
1:00 p.m.
As an employer, the Government of Canada offers
all qualified persons an equal opportunity to
compete for available positions in the Public
Service of Canada.
Vous pouvez obtenir ces renseignements en
of Canada
du Canada
November 1,1991
This is an apology
On Tuesday, October 29, The
Ubyssey ran an ad for the Roxy which
featured a blood-spattered Marilyn
Monroe look-alike smiling in careless
glee at getting into the club.
We have no excuse for running the
ad, which many people found to be
At best, the image plumbs the
depths of bad taste; at worst it is a
disquieting indication ofthe extent of
sexual exploitation and casual violence in advertising. This becomes
particularly worrying when we remember that advertising aims to appeal to its market, and thus reflects
the values of society.
The Ubyssey will send a letter to
the advertiser stating that such sexist, derogatory ads, and ads that feature such violent images, will not be
accepted for publication. The combination of sexism and violence in the
Roxy ad is doubly disturbing.
These images desensitize the
reading public to the horror of violence against women, and reinforce
the stereotype of woman as victim.
The level of desensitization that
occurs is evident in The Ubyssey's
own negligence. That a newspaper
which tries to fight sexism could overlook the implications of printing the
Roxy ad is an indication of the pervasiveness of the problem of sexism
in advertising.
It was a mistake to dismiss the
image of a battered woman in a low-
cut dress as Hallowe'en gore and we
apologize to all of our readers.
the Ubyssey
November 1,1991
The Ubyssey is published Tuesdays and Fridays by the
Alma Mater Society ofthe University of British Columbia.
Editorial opinions are those ofthe staff and not necessarily those of the university administration, or of the
sponsor. The editorial office is Rm. 241Kof the Student
Union Building. Editorial Department, phone 822-2301;
advertising, 822-3977;   FAX# 822-9279
The Ubyssey is a founding member of
Canadian University Press
As the clock struck midnight, Sharon Lindores looked
into her crystal hall and spied Paul (Ted) Dayson impersonating the anti-Paul. With her third eye, she saw Effie Pow
making up lame excuses for her lack of proper attire. Yggy
King carved satanic jack-o-lanterns which Yukie Kurahashi
lit with Rick Hiebert's trick matches. While Cheryl Niamath
buzzed from flower to flower, Steve ChanandDonMahbattle
to the death with Raul Peschiera's plastic sword and Elai3ne
Griffith tried on his plastic eye patch to see if she could see
better with it. Carla Maftechuk wore black an enjoyed her
cigarette. Sam Green dressed up like an elf and Tanya Paz
gave candy to Paula Wellingspock and Bill Denham who
Lucho von Isschot flew offthe balcony on Victor Chew Wong's
last broomstick and Paul Gordon lit firecrackers in the AMS
council chambers. Lisa Tench carried the knowledge of all
the muscle groups while Greg Davis ranted and raved about
the nature of evil and order in chaos. Hao Li could kick above
his head; finally, his hair was finally combed. Pia L'Obry was
mystified until Ellen Pond turned her into a frog. Sylvia
Grace Borda woke up with a fright in the morning and
Sharlene told her it was all a very bad dream. A nightmare
Paul Dayson • Sharon Undoraa • Carta Maftechuk
Raul PtMchlara • Efflo Pow
Photo editor • Paul Gordon 	
© BMci cASsefcoies re* Fvwer weAtS?
<g) UMl MAm ttSClC ISSOES Or VME U^Y53^ CV)
<g) escAve td Yoo£ TiMesWARe on St. kitts ?
©trcow |we BWe pzbf uwoee a bsssimq t&xx*
lbv Vboe rsp* '^ro* kdommktf AtoAUfse
<S> light Fitse cEAocees it> v^^e op &eq*ie eisejN
WHCN YoQ HAVE TC> STUT>Y! frrte. ^J-fgig^
Truth and
Seriousness is on the
rampage. Some (Steven
Cavers and Eric Hudson)
have gravely faulted Colin
Mills' "point-by-point
criticism" of Bill Denham's
mock review of the
Gideons' New Testament
(enough name-dropping
yet?) for being too serious.
Perhaps they are right.
But it seems to me that
Colin Mills had a good
point (especially as it
turned out to be so similar
to mine!)
Humour is a wonderful, spirit-lifting human
activity—an evaluation
with which the Bible quite
agrees: "A merry heart
doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22). But
even humour has its serious side. Aside from being
a source of fun and entertainment, humour is also
a powerful rhetorical tool
for getting others to agree
with our own point of view.
And its power derives from
its very pleasurability (if
there is such a word): we
naturally want to accept
those things that bring us
As with any tool, the
use of humour should be
carefully controlled.
Laughing at other people's
helplessness and hurt as
one goes around slaughtering them is as unacceptable and counterproductive as ridiculing the
idea that the earth is
round. Humour, just like
all modes of human action
and communication, must
be limited by the dual constraints of morality and
truth. For it is from these
two realities that humour
draws most of its strength
and effectiveness. It is
because Charlie Brown so
accurately characterizes
our selves and our society,
for example, that we find
his frequently painful
predicaments so humorous.
Thus, I applaud bill
Denham's attempt to
lighten up the so-often
sombre pages of the
Ubyssey. (I won't append
any more adjectives for
fear of offending its judicious editors who are so
representative of the
opinions of our so apa-
The Ubyssey welcomes letters on any Issue. Letters must be typed and are not to exceed 300 words In length. Content
which Is Judged to be libelous, homophobic, sexist, racist or factually Incorrect will not be published. Please be concise.
Letters may be edited tor brevity, but It Is standard Ubyssey policy not to edit letters for spelling or grammatical mistakes.
Please bring them, with Wentmcatlon, to SUB 241K. Letters must Include name, faculty, and signature.
thetic student body.) But I
also applaud Colin Mills'
attempt (and, in an underhanded sort of way, my own)
to more accurately portray
the truth ofthe matter: that
Bill Denham's mock review
of the New Testament,
though funny, is also wildly
inaccurate in places. Lefs
have more truth AND more
humour in the pages of our
student newspapers and,
more importantly, in the
leaves of our student lives.
Ed Hewlett
Education 1
Moron wreaks
I wish to thank the moron
who dented the side of my
car with his/her door in B-lot
last week. Anyone with even
the slightest trace of consideration knows not to fling
open one's car door in a
parking lot. you must have
whacked it fairly hard to
create the size dent that you
It might be interesting to
study if the amount of
damage one does to another's
car is inversely proportional
to brain size. But I am not
one to hold a grudge. Ill just
say my piece and quietly
wish you engine failure on
the freeway.
Laura Foster
Science 3
Big talk from
The article on the front
page ofthe Oct. 22 issue of
the Ubyssey raises some
important issues. I will start
out by stating that I believe
that abortion is wrong. My
opposition is due to the belief that human life is created
by God and sacred and that
there is right and wrong. I
also believe that the fetus is
a human being.
One issue that is raised
comes from the fact that the
pro-choice movementmakes
a claim to a right to abortion.
However, I have never heard
any of them mention where
this right comes from,
whether the fetus is human,
and if it isn't, why it isn't,
and why it is wrong for one
to oppose abortion.
The problem that I find
with the abortion debate is
that the fundamental reasons are not discussed. What
never comes out is the basic
reasoning behind the pro-
choice view. I fail to see how
a person can believe that one
can claim a right to abortion
and not allow others to claim
a right to oppose such actions.
I also fail to understand
what reasoning there is that
says that there is nothing
wrong with abortion and allows advocates to ignore opposing views by making
comments that do not respond to the issues raised,
such as those listed above.
This disregard for opposing
vie ws is demonstrated in the
article by Frances Foran on
Oct. 22 where she simply
reiterates the statements of
various pro-choice supporters.
I would say that the pro-
choice had better come up
with some kind of reasoning
for their view and make it
clear to others, instead of
simply making their view
look right by degrading opposing views.
David Voth
More like the
The rich are responsible
for Canada's debt because
the rich essentially control
government (see my letter
Jan. 8,1991, p.15). Federal
governing parties are mainly
controlledby their corporate
and private donors. Our tax
dollars are spent to ensure
that the rich stay rich. This
may seem counter-intuitive
in that most money goes toward social programmes.
However, these social
programmes are there to
placate and prevent Canadians from electing parties
that will actually equalize
power. Face it, wealth is
concentrated among privileged, white men. This is
grossly unfair and would not
be the case if we had democratic government. Government by and for the rich
shouldbe paidfor by the rich.
Rewriting Keith Lock-
itch, Oct. 16, p.15: What we
really need is to radically
reduce luxury consumption
by taxing it to the hilt. This
is only one ofthe many ways
we can truly achieve prosperity FOR ALL.
John Lipscomb
Victim blamer
and spouter of
Spare me please. If I
weren't concerned about
women helping themselves
would I have bothered? If
you re-read my letter you
may then (hopefully) notice
that my infamous comment
"assaults can't happen if you
don't put yourself in a position to be assaulted" refers
specifically to women who
continue to walk alone unprotected on campus after
dark when they know that
they are at risk and in jeopardy by doing so.
They are not forced to
walk alone after dark. My
letter does not refer to those
multitudes of other threatening
situations a woman can find
herself in (through no fault
of her own I agree). Those
issues also need addressing
and I can't think of two more
readily available eager beavers to tackle them than
Laura J. May and Anne
Whittman. Meanwhile, did
I say I was tackling the whole
feministissue in one breath?
And also, do I have to espouse
a feminist perspective to
make a cogent point?
Second, I maintain, albeit a limited view and scope
of womens' collective problems but not so limited in
practical value, that as long
as the walk home program,
the bus shuttle service and/
or karate techniques exist I
find it difficult to define as
victims who were unable to
help themselves those
women who have been assaulted while walking alone
on campus after dark.
Debra Gordon
Arts 3
The women's and
men's cauci will be
meeting on Monday
November 4, 12:30 in
Sub 241. These meetings are absolutley
vital to the future of
the paper and the
planet we know as
Beetlegeuse 2.
All staffers should
attend or have an airtight excuse as to why
they did not.
November 1,1991 -->
The incredibly skewed Perspective of October 22, with its
fiery talk about racist white racists exploiting everyone else in a
racist system, positively screamed
out for a reply. Here's mine and I
hope that there will be others.
The passions of the author
appear to have been inflamed by a
very thoughtful letter by Mr. Chan
who expressed his view that it's
often wise tolook atyourselfbefore
hurling the label of "racist" at a
person who you feel has offended
you in some way. It's a nasty thing
to say about someone, so you'd
better be very, very sure that what
they said or did was based on your
ethnic background. It all sounds
logical enough and hardly implies
that native Indians, for example,
were responsible for the atrocities
committed against them. Yet, this
is exactly the message the authors
chose to read and then denounce in
their vitriolic letter. They then
went on to blast Mr. Chan's suggestion that Canada was a relatively tolerant place with several
admittedly valid examples of racism in this country. Well, so what?
Racism is everywhere; you won't
find a country free of it, but you'll
find a great many with a much
more severe case of this affliction
than Canada.
Apart from the usual garbage
about the exploitation of the proletariat by the evil capitalist pig-
dogs (showing alarmingly few hard
facts, I thought, for an essay co-
written by a graduate), the letter
contained a disturbing streak of
hatred, as opposed to anger, which
made me wonder exactly how the
authors intended to deal with the
problem of racism. What sort of
constructive solution could this
attitude possibly lead to?
Finally, I would like to take a
swipe at the increasing number of
people who are criticizing The
Ubyssey for publishing "racist"
letters. While I have read truck-
loads of abuse in this esteemed
periodical directed against white
heterosexual males, I don't recall
any article or letter which denounced a visible minority (and
rightly so). However, the few who
have suggested merely that white
heterosexual males might not have
exclusive rights to all known character defects have been figuratively
burned at the stake. Such an attitude is a form of discrimination in
itself as it denies other groups the
right to be imperfect; aren't we all
entitled to that?
Jan Palaty
Graduate Studies
What is good for
the gander...
In the lead story of your October 22 issue on the "Students for
Choice" rally:
Jackie Larkin discusses how
some women are without access to
abortion because in some cases
"...the hospital board has been hijacked by single-issue anti-choice
But just two paragraphs later,
in describing the provincial election, she states, "And if any of you
were thinking of voting Liberal,
remember Gordon Wilson believes
abortion should be allowed only in
cases of rape or incest".
Those single-issue advocates
sure are a horrible lot, aren't they
Jackie. What's good for the goose...
As I understand, those hospital
boards Jackie dislikes were
elected demiocratically; presumably this is the same repressive
political method by which the
provincial government was just, to
parrot Jackie's diction, "hijacked
by single-issue anti-life forces".
Rob Swiniarski
Grad Studies
A little ego boost
You helped make my neophyte
political experience more pleasurable. As the Green Party of B.C.,
Provincial Election Candidate for
Vancouver-Point Grey, I would like
to express my appreciation for the
positive, well-composed articles
that were published in the Ubyssey
during the 1991 Campaign.
It is so very frustrating to
know in my mind, heart and soul
that immediate change has to be
made in order for the planet to
survive, and still continue to witness the destructive patterns of
the human species. The little bit of
information and the few ideas we
share once in a while will not be
enough, but at the very least they
deserve an A for effort. Where
there's a will, there's a way and
where there are people that care,
there is hope!
Thanks for caring, Ubyssey
Nicole Kohnert
UBC Student Counselling
& Resources Centre
Room 200, Brock Hall
Mon - Thu:    8:00am - 6:00pm
Friday: 8:00am - 4:30pm
All workshops are from 12:30-1:20 p.m.
November 4 How to Listen Effectively
November 5 Reducing Test Anxiety
November 7 Overcoming Perfectionism
November 8 Surviving a Relationship Breakup
November 12 Developing Social Assertiveness
November 12 Habits Not Diets (1st of 2 Sessions)
November 14 How to Master a Textbook
November 15 Overcoming Procrastination
November 15 How to Prepare for a Presentation
November 18 Motivation
November 19 Habits Not Diets (2nd of 2 Sessions)
November 19 "Change Your Mind" and Manage Stress
November 21 Skill Assessment for Career Direction
November 25 Reducing Test Anxiety
November 26 Test Preparation
November 28 Stress Busters
Wednesday 12:30-1:20 p.m.
November 6 AIDS and the Heterosexual
November 13 Time Management
November 20 Test Taking Strategies
November 27 Stress Management
Workshops Conducted at International House
Thursday 1:30-2:30 p.m.
November 7 Exam Skills for International Students
November 21 Re-Entry Preparation for International Students
Vancouvers' 1st
Vegetarian &
Non-Vegetarian Dishes
Dinner Specials
Present this Ad between 5 p.m. -
7 p.m. and you and your guest
receive one complimentary menu
item when another menu item of
equal or greater value is ordered.
Limit $7.00 Exp. Nov 15/91
2930 West 4th Ave.
Reservations 731 -7899
Dine-in Only
Spur of the Moment
for the Dharmasala Monastery and Tibetan refugees
sacredchanting of Tibet
(Burrard & Nelson)
00 Ticketmaster: 280-4444
•ChI Tickets:$i8-°<
I CO»FO«»fl
Works Corps is an international organization dedicated
to providing summer opportunities for all students.
Whether you are a first year student or one nearing gradua
tion, Works Corps can help you to gain the invaluable reai
world experience thai post graduate employers look lor.
• Back to schoo' vim no money again
• Working part time to make ends meet
• Tired of earning mediocre wages
Why not get a head start on your career by securing
yourself employment now?
Listen to what other students have to say:
"My years at Works Corps played a key role in gaining acceptance :o Lav
School. More than the money, I gained confidence, the ability to deal with people
and problems, but most of all I learned how the business world works.'
Michael Pratt
International Manager ofthe Year
1st year, Osgoode Hall Law School
"I got more real life business experience from one summer with  Work:
Corps than I learned from my M.BA."
Daryl Leroy
Proctor & Cambie
My   experience with Works Corps taught me the time management skills and
work ethic necessary to increase my marks and reach my scholastic potential.
Mandy Barclay
3rd Year International Relations
For information call Vancouver 298-7429,
Western Canada 1-800-665-4992 or send resumes to:
6478 E. Broadway, Burnaby, B.C. V5B 2Y2
Come see us Monday November 4th Rm 224 SUB between 11:00 and 2:00
Life during deadlines - THE UBYSSEY
November 1,1991
THE UBYSSEY/11 Ce-x-c-e-l-l-e- n^t)
The eatery
The good deal Is, your least expensive meal Is free when two or more of the above Items are ordered. Not valid with
any other coupon. Dining In only, please. Valid when this ad is presented prior to placement of order.
3431 WEST BROADWAY 738-5298        dJ^Twi
Sun -Thurs 11:30 am to 11:00 pm • Fri -Sat 11:30 am to 1:30 am
' 2CMu 386SX CPU
• 1 Mtg RAM
- U or 1.44 Meg floppy drtvt
■ 1 seriri. 1 pinllel. 1 gime port
• 101 keys enhanced keyboard
• 52 Meg hard drive
• Mono monitor with Hercules
compatibles card
TRISON 3860X-25
• 25Mh2 386DX CPU
• 1 Meg RAM
• 1.2 or 1.44 Meg floppy drive
• 1 serial, 1 parallel, 1 game port
■ 101 keys enhanced keyboard
• 52 Meg hard drive
> Mono monitor with Hercules
compatibles card
• 33Mhz 386DX CPU
- 1 Meg RAM
• M or 1.44 Meg floppy drive
• 1 serial, 1 parallel, 1 game port
• 101 keys enhanced keyboard
- 52 Meg hard drive
• Mono monitor wtth Hercules
compatibles card
(604) 222-2326     Fax: (604) 222-2372
Upcoming Films:
Friday-Sunday (Nov 1-3)
7:00 Jungle Fever
9:30 The Doctor
Wednesday-Thursday (Nov 6-7)
7:00 Perfectly Normal
9:30 La Femme Nikita
Next Week: Mobsters & Point Break
All Screenings are in the SUB Theatre
Call for 24 hour recorded info: 822-3697
The University of British Columbia
Romeo & Juliet
by William Shakespeare
Directed by Neil Freeman
November 6-23 8pm
Special 2 for 1 Wednesday - November 6
Matinees - Thursday Nov.14 & 20 12:30pm
Holdover Evening Perfs. Nov 20,21,22,23
Reservations 822-2678
Support Your Campus Theatre
■► *■***
%     FILM OF 1991"
Written, Produced and Directed by RICHARD LINKLATER
pSome very coarse language, occasional nudity, suggestive scenes
7:30 & 9:30
Dr. Strangway...
Continued from page one
the netherworld we get them."
I asked one more question,
concerning the how's and where's
of reaching the Underworld. His
answer struck horror into my soul
and chilled my blood to liquid nitrogen. "No, anything but that," I
But the Oracle nodded implacably. "There is no other way. You
must bungie jump into the Pit of
Hell wasn't such a bad place,
and certainly no worse than Physics 115. Or so I kept reassuring
myself as I wrestled with      	
a manhole cover behind
Main Library. Butit was
glued solid, perhaps by
some supernatural
force. Fortunately, I
spotted a few Totem
residents on their way
home to a party. "Hey
there! Can you give me
a hand with this manhole?" I asked, desperation making me bold.
"That's no manhole. It's a Personal Access Chamber," one ofthe
wise-asses quipped. "We avoid
gender-exclusive language around
this campus."
"Okay, fine. Can you just help
me lift the damned lid. Fm in a bit
of a hurry." I told them a lie about
being from Prince George, which
seemed to explain my erratic
behaviour and instantly endeared
me to the lot. In a few moments the
lid was lying loose on the roadway
beside a black, evil-smelling orifice.
"Thanks for the help," I said
as the Totem crowd ambled on
their way. I assembled the bungie
gear which the Oracle had given
me some ten minutes earlier. The
dark hole looked about as inviting
as an exam in the Armouries. A
quick flashlight inside verified it
to be a bottomless chasm. "Well,
here goes nothing," I philosophized,
keeping the phrase "9.8 metres per
second squared" firmly out of my
I jumped.
Aside from the strong parallel
to a certain Victorian girl falling
down a much popularized rabbit
hole, my descent was a unique experience. The bungie cord stopped
me several microns from the bottom and, after a few nauseating
bounces, I untied myself and
snapped on my light. I stood in a
damp, musty-smelling passage.
The ground was littered with
something which proved, on closer
examination, to be the shattered
remnants of Rita Johnston's cabinet. Evidently they had not been
as happily equipped with elasti-
cized ropes on their recent trip
I checke d my watch—one hour
and 50 minutes until midnight—
and hurried off down the passage.
I had been in some strange situations before, and this one—spelunking in the tunnels under UBC
on a quest for the Holy Gruel—
might well be another of them.
Before long I heard the sound of
running water and came to a dark,
rancid stream whose sole inhabitants were a race of pale pickled
On the shore of this river I
encountered ChuckDi, the hermaphroditic ferry person—a gaunt,
My nemesis. Why he was called
the Dark One is one of those
great mysteries which takes its
rightful place among Elvis
sightings and the Caramilk bar.
sexless creature who offered to take
me across the water for a double
sawbuck. His/her conversational
repertoire was apparently limited
to, "The Fox Rocks"—which she/he
muttered over and over again
(quite professionally, too, I
thought). When we reached the
other side, I realized with dismay
that Fd spent my last dollar at the
Pit. Fortunately, I substituted a
contentious article from The
Ubyssey which so enraged the
ferryperson that he/she forgot to
collect my fare.
Next I was faced with
Cerebrus, the three-headed hog
with near-genius IQ who guarded
the entrance to Hell. He oinked at
me menacingly, until I thought of
posing him that age-old riddle,
"What have I got in my pockets?" I
promptly pulled out a scrap of paper which read, "The square root of
minus one"—and handed it to him.
For all I know, he's still working
out an answer.
The Pit of Hell was not unlike
the Main Library stacks, though it
smelled slightly worse. It was
staffed with ex-members of Physical Plant and the Bay City Rollers,
who seemed to spend all their time
pulling books from shelves, making study notes, and then dropping
their notes into the incinerator.
Consequently they groaned a lot.
I asked directions to the Cereals Division and before long stood
beneath my final hurdle—the
Keeper of the Gruel. He was a
balding, shrivelled old bear who
slumped all day on a Lifeguard
Chair, holding the phial of Gruel
in one hand and a copy of Winnie-
the-Pooh in the other. He never
moved once, and never got past
page 5. What fortitude, I thought
admiringly! What hellish perseverance! I was stumped for strategies to defeat such a formidable
opponent. Meanwhile my watch
chimed 11 pm.
Suddenly, in my deep despair,
I heard the whispered voice of Dr.
Strange way, the Oracle: "Use the
chorus, Luke,"—and my mind was
instantly suffused with the lyrics
of La Bamba. Of course! My worries peeled away like the skin of a
very large and bloated anaconda. I
had my answer. "La la la la la
As the first words left my lips,
the Keeper shrieked, threw his
         hands in the air, and
leapt out of sight, muttering something about
the evils of popular music. Just before it hit the
ground, I snatched the
phial of Gruel from the
air and turned. Even as
Winnie-the-Pooh flut-
         tered softly to rest, I was
heading for home. Back
to the surface World.
I reached the Ponderosa Cafeteria with some two minutes to
spare. In fact, I would have been
late had someone not, as usual,
tampered with the clock tower.
There was just enough time to
switch the porridge and duck behind the counter before, right on
schedule, the Dark One walked in.
My nemesis. Why he was
called the Dark One is one of those
great mysteries which takes its
rightful place among Elvis
sightings and the Caramilk bar.
Presumably it had something to do
with his thoughts around teenaged
girls, because in the well-lit cafeteria he looked anything but dark.
He was lawn coloured and vaguely
reptilian, like a bad B-movie monster coated in lumpy green paint.
He didn't even notice me hiding
there, just strolled up with all the
tact of a Campus Cowboy, grabbed
his porridge, and chowed down.
It must have been potent stuff
because the whole room immediately began to pulsate, like a 60s
jello orgy or the Enterprise on Warp
12. Accompanying this motion
came a noise so loud it must have
awakened even the sleepers in the
Legislative Assembly. And that
terrible creature, the Dark One,
with all his lumps and evil plans,
It was over. I had done it.
Saved the university and saved
the universe. I wiped slime and the
remains of a kidney from my left
cheek. Admittedly, I smelled alittle
like over-ripe cheese—but that was
okay. I could always shower in the
Second prize winner: Hallowe'en ghost Story by MichaelQCenister. 'Both QCenister and MarkjMarby
sfwtddclaim their prizes at "Ihe Ubyssey, SWB 241% Ihe collective wishes to thanl^all those who made   * *•
tfu effort to enter the contest.
Monday, November 4
7:00pm UBC campus
Rm 223, Angus Building
Tuesday, November 12
7:00pm    UBC campus
Rm 223, Angus Building
November 1,1991


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