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The Ubyssey Apr 5, 2005

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Array CZECH YOURSELF
It won four Czech Lions, that's equivalent
to an Oscar! Go see... Page 9
DEAD PRESIDENTS
Martha Piper's name will eventually grace
a campus monstrosity. Here's why. Page 6
JOB HUNTIN'
I hear the Arizona Border Patrol is hiring.
Vector Marketing too. Page 10
Timing is everything since 1918
www.ubyssey.bc.ca
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
Vol.LXXXVI   N°48
Student wants SUB to
axe summer employer
Vector Marketing
criticised for
recruiting practices
by Dan McRoberts
NEWS EDITOR
Ryan Weddle is on a mission.
The UBC student wants Vector
Marketing, a multinational sales
firm, to be banned from recruiting
student employees in the Student
Union Building. Vector's bulletin
board ads and handbills offer student employment for wages
upwards of $ 14 an hour.
"It's really hard to get them to
tell you what the work is," said
Weddle, who attended a three-hour
recruiting seminar before deciding
not to take a job with the company.
Students hired by Vector
Marketing sell high-end knives produced by Cutco, a company affiliated with Vector. The sets range in
price from $200 to over $1,000,
according to Weddle. None of the
flyers mention that the firm is
involved in knife sales, but the products and Vector's relationship with
Cutco are featured prominently on
the marketing firm's website.
Beyond troubling recruiting
practices, Weddle's most serious
concerns centre include his assertion that Vector managers pressure employees to sell knives to
friends and family. Students
hired to sell Cutco knives must
buy a set to use in demonstrations for clients; the cost of this
set often puts salespeople in debt
from the outset.
"They prey on personal relationships and people's sense of obligation to make sales," Weddle said.
"Managers pressure employees to
come to meetings, they phone early
in the morning and ask people to
miss class," he added.
Weddle is the UBC coordinator
of Students Against Vector
Exploitation (SAVE) a North
America-wide group of university
students and former Vector employees who believe that the company
engages in questionable employment practices.
SAVE has led successful legal
action against Vector Marketing in
New York, Wisconsin and Arizona.
The latter suits were settled in the
mid-1990s with Vector promising
to stop misleading their recruits.
The  Compaq was also  sued for
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Byers brings international scope      Baseball fever
Professor takes interdisciplinary approach
by Mai Bui
NEWS STAFF
After twelve years of shaping policy
from abroad, Dr Michael Byers has
returned to Canada as a Research
Chair in Global Politics and
International Law at UBC.
"I'm very excited to be working
in a public university...I'm very
pleased by the sense of dynamism
and ambition at UBC," he said.
Byers, who has analysed everything from international humanitarian issues to Europe-US relations, is
internationally recognised for his
critical assessment of international
law as it relates to global political
phenomena.
"International law is heavily
politicised but on the other hand its
not simply politics," explained
Bj'ers, emphasising the influence of
international law on foreign policy.
"The 1991 Gulf War was paid
for financially mostly by Germany
and Japan. The 2003 Iraq war and
occupation is paid for almost
entirely by the US, resulting in the
largest budget deficit in American
history. That's in part the result of
the United States' failure to abide
b}' the widely accepted view of
international law. It's an enforcement mechanism which will discourage the US from doing this
type of thing in the future."
A proponent of and a model
for academic inter disciplinary ty,
Byers defies traditional academic
categorisation.
"People often forget that academic disciplines are artificial. They are
tlie creations of academics and universities, attempts to grapple with
specific problems at specific periods
of time. In studying contemporary
international events and trends you
have to be overtly willing to draw on
different disciplinary backgrounds if
3'ou want to make any satisfactory
progress at all," he said.
"It's not that interdisciplinari-
ty is a choice, interdisciplinarity
is a necessity, when dealing with
new issues."
Byers, who also speaks French
and German, has a double honours degree in English Literature
and Political Science from the
University of Saskatchewan, o
Bachelor of Laws and Bachelor of
Civil Laws from McGill University,
and a PhD in International Law
from Cambridge University.
A Halifax native whose teaching career has seen him at Oxford
and Duke Universities, Byers said
coming back to Canada was "a personal decision."
"The only reason to leave
[Duke University] was that I wanted to come back... to teach
Canadian students."
"I wanted to have a policy impact
in Canada as opposed to in the
United States."
Along with holding the Research
See "Byers"page 2.
The Birds preserved their three and a half game lead over second place Albertson College after
a three game series versus against the Western Baptist College Warriors, yinan max wang photo
I      !	
Government says BC forests on the rebound
Environmentalists take issue with new State of Forests report
by Dan McRoberts
NEWS EDITOR
A BC government report on the
state of the province's forests suggests that the timber supply is
healthier than previously predicted, but an environmental group is
questioning that conclusion.
The report, compiled in 2004 and
published last month, does not take
the recent mountain pine beetle epidemic into account, an event that
should drastically lower the amount
of harvestable timber in the future.
"This analysis is based on timber
supply before the pine beetle break
out," said Tom Nermann, one of the
authors of the report. "The epidemic
means that a number of management, units will be affected."
The report makes no specific policy recommendations, but the findings of the province-wide tree inventory could lead to an increased cut in
the short term, Neimann said.
"Two different people wall look at
the report differently," he said,
acknowledging that the report will
mean different things to the forest
industry and conservationists.
One prominent environmental
organisation  is unhappy with  the
inventor}7 process.
"We don't have an accurate inventory," said Justin Calof, forestry specialist with the Sierra Club of BC.
"There have been cuts to inventory
staff and the entire process is not
very robust."
Beyond an overall inventory of the
forest, the report also evaluated the
amount of protected forest in BC and
levels of ecosystem diversity fn the
province. The report states that the
protected areas in BC do a good job of
ensuring the preservation of all types
of forest, while protection for forest
over 140 years old has doubled since
1991. But it's not all positive,
Calof said.
"This report suggests that there
are deficits in some of the most biologically rich areas on the coast," he
said. ".Are the protected areas good
enough? I would say no."
The Sierra Club is concerned
that many of the newly protected
areas are in fact management zones
that can be logged in the future,
Calof said. He and other Sierra Club
representatives will be meeting
BC's Chief Forester early this month
to air their concerns.
"We manage our forest resources
at the extreme edge of sustainability,"
he said. "In light of climate change,
we should adopt a more cautious
approach."
"They made light of
the mountain pine
beetle problem in the
interior... There
could be a 40 per
CENT decline in harvest PROVINCE-WIDE AS
A RESULT OF IT."
—Justin Calof
Sierra Club forestry specialist
If the province did a better job
accounting for abiotic factors such
as temperature change and events
like the mountain pine beetle epidemic, a more accurate picture of
provincial forest health might
emerge, Calof claimed.
See "Forests"page 2. 2 News
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005   THEUBYSSEY
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A POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTION
UBC petition has 100 signatures already
"Vector" from page I.
fraud by the Australian Competition
and Consumer Commission in 1999
and settled out of court. To pursue
their cause, SAVE has circulated an
on-line petition that has generated
1,300 signatures as of late 2004.
At UBC, Vector Marketing has
been a subject of concern for more
than a decade. A March, 1994 article in the Ubyssey on the AMS Job
Fair included an interview with a
disgruntled Vector recruit who disputed the company's claims of easy
money. Weddle wonders why eleven
years have passed and the AMS continues to allow the firm to recruit in
the SUB.
Weddle approached the AMS
about Vector's practices, only to be
told that the sales opportunity was
just like selling Tupperware, an assertion he readily disputes.
'It's not at all like thaL..You don't
know anything about what you're getting into/ he said.
Encouraged by AMS VP
Administration Manj Sidhu to
make a petition to bring to the
Student Administrative Commission (SAC), Weddle wanted to seek
signatures on the SUB concourse
but was told that he could not.
'Because Vector pays $107 per
day to recruit in the SUB the AMS
didn't allow me to without paying
$107 myself,' he said. 'This is
despite the fact that unlike Vector
Marketing I don't stand to profit
and unlike Vector Marketing, I'm a
UBC student.'
Sidhu confirmed that charging a
fee is standard AMS policy. Free
access to SUB resources is only
afforded to select groups, including
constituted clubs and AMS services,
but not individual students. Sidhu
has arranged for Weddle to meet with
the SAC later this week. This is standard procedure for students who
have concerns about AMS policies
around advertising and recruiting.
Weddle started his petition last
week and to date has received more
than 100 signatures.
Vector Marketing posters and
recruitment materials are also widely found in classrooms on the UBC
campus. UBC Career Services coordinates the recruitment activities of
more than 3,000 employers on campus, but companies are not required
to work through their office, according to Katherine Hume, Career
Services' coordinator of on-campus
recruitment.
'On our website there is a very
clear disclaimer that we do no pre-
screening of employers,* Hume said.
Two complaints have been made
about Vector Marketing by students,
Hume confirmed.
'We take these complaints very
seriously, we investigate and we definitely did that with Vector,' she
said, adding that Vector has been
proactive in addressing these concerns. 'If they didn't, they wouldn't
be allowed to recruit here, let's put
it that way,' she said.
Students have to be very careful
when considering any kind of
employment, Hume added.
"There is a buyer beware element
there, definitely,' she said. UBC has
no plans to limit Vector Marketing's
activities on campus.
"Vector haven't broken any
employment standards or the Canada
Labour Code, as far as I know,' she
said. Calls to Vector Marketing's
Canadian headquarters were not
returned by press time, a
More reports on forest health to come
rorests rrompagei.
'They made light of the mountain
pine beetle problem in the interior/
he said. 'There could be a 40 per cent
decline in harvest province-wide as a
result of iL'
The forest industry rakes in
approximately $14 billion and many
communities rely on harvesting and
processing wood for their economic
well-being. This is a problem, according to Calof.
'Communities shouldn't be fully
dependent on forestry for economic
health/ he said.
The 2004 state of the forest report
is the first in a series of three documents that will eventually address a
total of 24 sustainability indicators.
Another two reports, dealing with
species diversity, greenhouse gases,
ownership and management, will be
released over the next 18 months.
The reports are part of a mandated
government reporting mechanism
that has produced similar documents
every decade since 1974. II
Byers calls UBC class his "most rewarding"
"Byers" from page 1.
Chair, Byers is also the Academic
Director at the Liu Centre and a professor in the Department of Political
Science.
'Dr Byers wants to get students
and the UBC community involved in
global issues/ said Peggy Ng, Liu
Centre administrator.
Last fall Byers led a graduate seminar called 'Current Issues in Global
Politics and International Law/ The
seminar involved seeking to influence
policy development and included a
discussion of the US attack on Fallujah
on CBC radio.
'It was certainly the most rewarding class I've ever taught..without a
doubt the best students I've ever
taught, and I have taught at Duke and
Oxford so I suppose that's saying
something/
Byers is currently teaching a
fourth-year honours seminar on the
politics and law of military force and
plans to offer it next year as a 300-
level PoHtical Science course.
'This [politics and the law of mili
tary force] has been the focus of my
academic research in the last four or
five years. I will teach as many students as want to come.'
Byers enthusiasm for his work has
impressed his colleagues.
'Dr Byers has devoted tremendous energy to academic research
on behalf of the Liu Centre/ said
Allen Sens, chair of the
International Relations program.
'He has demonstrated enthusiasm
for both graduate and undergraduate studies, and has made an effort
to include undergraduates.
'The fact that he is able to do this
on top of everything else he is doing is
a remarkable testament to his time
and energy/
A former sports writer for
University of Saskatchewan's student newspaper. The Sheaf, Byers
regularly contributes to the Globe
and Mail, London Review of Books,
and La Presse.
'Any person who writes for newspapers about poHtics will tell you that
sports and poHtics reporting is almost
the exact same thing,' he joked. ■■
I THE UBYSSEY  Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
News 3
'i
Women's Studies conference exceeds expectations
Student
presentations
considered the
highlight of
two-day event
by Hilary Onas
NEWS WRITER
From menstruation to alternative
surnames to nutrition choices, a
broad range of topics were discussed at last month's "Consuming Women" conference at UBC.
Undergraduate students from
across the country gathered for the
two-day conference, hosted by the
UBC Women's Studies Program.
Student delegates represented
a variety of disciplines—including
English, Political Science, Sociology and, of course, Women's
Studies.
"The initial idea was a faculty
initiative," explained graduate student and conference co-ordinator
Cecily Nicholson. The Women's
Studies faculty originaUy wanted
to have a conference about women
and food, from which the
"Consuming Women" theme was
born.
There were three keynote
speeches from professors, but it
was the student presentations that
proved to be the highlight of the
event.
"I guess the highlight for me
was hearing my classmates present," said Mary Anne Brown the
UBC Women's studies undergrad
representative, who presented at
the conference herself.
Student presentations encompassed a multitude of themes-
including self-image, violence, and
family. The panel on family alone
gave presentations that ranged
from the current to the light-hearted to the personal.
UBC Anthropology student Lisa
Davidson's presentation, "The
Centrality of Philippine Mothers:
Negotiating the Maternal Ideology
in Transnational Families," shone
light on how the growing phenom
enon of Filipina trans-national
workers has decentralised Filipina
mothers from their traditional
role.
Danielle Marie Moyes, another
UBC Student, explored the problematic situation of not identifying
with one's surname. In "The Name
Game: Re-Appropriating My Surname, Reasserting My Identity,"
Moyes investigated alternative
naming patterns in her quest to
change her own surname to something that better reflects her identity.
On the last day of the conference Kelsey Patton presented a
memorable workshop on corporate control of menstruation and
its effect on healthy sexuality,
aptly titled "Out of My Cunt." The
UBC Interdisciplinary Studies student used an interactive approach
by asking members about their
own thoughts on corporate control, in addition to presenting her
own ideas. Patton also initiated a
dialogue about alternatives to tampons and pads, such as the divac-
up and the keeper.
"We can bleed every month and
not     die... that's     pretty     cool,"
remarked Patton.
"I think it's been really taken
for granted that this is something
grad students do," said Brown. "I
hope [the conference] sets a new
precedent as something under-
grads can do."
"Undergrads are not valued as
strongly in  terms   of research,"
"I THINK IT'S BEEN
REALLY TAKEN FOR
GRANTED THAT THIS IS
SOMETHING GRAD
STUDENTS DO. I HOPE
[THE CONFERENCE]
SETS A NEW PRECEDENT
AS SOMETHING UNDERGRADS CAN DO"
—Mary Anne Brown
UBC Women's studies
undergrad representative
agreed Nicholson. "It's about making space in academia."
The conference also showcased
artwork by students from the
Nicola Valley Institute of
Technology and Capiiano College,
based on the consuming women
theme. The first full conference
day ended with the "Consuming
Women coffeehouse/' a forum that
allowed students to present theatre pieces, poetry, and music.
Networking opportunities, a
sense of community, and exposure
to "lots of new and interesting
ideas" were some of the benefits
Nicholson hoped students received
from attending the conference.
The success of the conference
has even spawned talk about the
possibility of a publication based
on conference presentations being
published. Another follow up item
being considered is making the
undergraduate Women's Studies
conference an annual event, and
moving it around amongst different post-secondary institutions
around BC.
"There have been no further
developments in the follow up
items," said Wendy Frisby, chair of
the undergraduate program in
Women's Studies. "These ideas are
being pursued." II
News
Briefs
Treaty Express leaving the
station
The governments of Canada and BC
have signed a framework agreement
with Musqueam Chief Earnest
Campbell that sets the parameters
for the  eventual negotiation of a
modern-day treaty.
The agreement identifies the
goals of both governments and the
Musqueam Nation for treaty negotiations. Topics include land, fisheries, economic development and
governance.
Most of the 1,100 members of
the Musqueam Nation Hve on the
reserve near the mouth of Fraser
south of Marine Drive. The band has
two other reserves, which include a
small reserve on Sea Island and one
in Delta.
The recently-signed agreement is
stage three in a six-step process for
developing new treaties. Final treaty
negotiations are underway with four
First Nations across the province,
including   the   Tsaw-wassen   and
Sliammon Nations.
Quiet GAP
The seasonal downpour that blew
through campus helped to ensure a
damp and calm Genocide
Awareness Project display last
Thursday. The GAP display was ini-'
tially set up in a circle, in violation of
UBC regulations, but the display
boards were soon moved back in to
the usual straight line.
The Pro-Choice demonstrators
outnumbered their Pro-Life counterparts significantly, but few students
passed through South SUB Plaza and
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those who did kept moving to avoid
the rain.
Former AMS VP Administration
Lyle McMahon protested against the
university's VP Students Office.
McMahon wrote a letter claiming
that GAP was presenting an unsafe
campus environment but had no
response from the administration.
McMahon beHeves that UBC stalled
him out ofhis mandate.
Baby Beluga gets his
degree
Popular children's entertainer Raffi
Cavoukian  will  be  honoured   at
UBC's spring convocation. The
Lebanese-Canadian singer-songwriter will be presented with an
honourary degree, along with 11
other recipients.
Raffi is known for songs like
"Everything Grows" and "Baby
Beluga." He also wrote the "Song for
the Dalai Lama" to commemorate
the His HoHness's visit to Vancouver
lastyear.
Raffi is also a noted humanitarian and serves on the board of the
David Suzuki foundation.
Also receiving degrees are
prominent Canadian poet PK Page
and Nobel-prize winning physicist
Anthony J. Leggett. Two former UBC
professors will also be honoured II
FOR ALL
GRADUATION INFORMATION,
INCLUDING
TICKET AND GOWN
INFORMATION
PLEASE VISIT:
WWW.GRADUATION.UBC.CA
M
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UNIVERSITY TOWN
You are invited to provide feedback on the draft updated 2005 Strategic
Transportation Plan (STP). The STP is a long-term policy framework for increasing
transportation choices at UBC in support of Trek 2010 and the Official Community
Plan. The draft 2005 STP updates the original 1999 document.
The update process examined the STP objectives UBC has achieved, the objectives
still outstanding, and identified key issues for the next five years leading to 2010.
The community provided feedback on all STP objectives via open houses, online
feedback forms, and the Transportation Planning Advisory Committee.
The upcoming open houses will feature the draft 2005 STP. There will be display
board information and feedback forms for your comments. Please attend if you
have questions or would like more information from staff about transportation
planning at UBC.
OPEN HOUSES:
Where:
Student Union Building (SUB) Concourse
6138 Student Union Boulevard, UBC
When:
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
10:00am -2:00pm
2:00pm - 6:00pm
Directions:
For directions to the Student Union Building please visit www.maps.ubc.ca.
For further information contact:
Karly Henney, Planner, UBC Campus and Community Planning
e: kar!y.henney©ubc.ca
www.trek.ubc.ca www.planning.ubc.ca www.universitytown.ubc.ca
Journa*
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LANGARA
COLLEGE
JOURNALISM
If you have a university
degree, you can enter
Langara College's
8-month journalism
certificate program and
get hands-on experience
writing and preparing "news.
and feature stories for print
and broadcast.
Call 604-323-5415/5335 or on the web at
www.langara.bc.ca>5oiirnalism
for more information.
Apply by April 30 for
September 2005 intake.
TAKE THAT: Student protestors turn on their parents too.
MCGILL/CUP PHOTO
Quebec public
school teachers
vote to strike
Pressure tactics prove ineffective in fight
for reduced class sizes, salary increases
by Jeremy Delman
THE MCGILL DAILY
MONTREAL (CUP) - Quebec public
school teachers will soon be joining
the throng of strikers protesting the
provincial government's education
policies.
After their pressure tactics
proved ineffective in negotiating a
better contract, members of the
francophone teachers' union, the
Federation des syndicats de l'en-
seignement, recently voted 70 per
cent in favour of joining their anglophone counterparts on the picket
line later this month.
After waiting 22 months for a new
contract agreement, both anglophone and francophone teachers
claim the government has been
deliberately delaying negotiations.
Frangoise Stake, president of the
Quebec Provincial Association of
Teachers, said the government has
not effectively responded to their
demands, which include reduced
class sizes, increased funding for
special services, and a salary
increase of 12.3 per cent over three
years.
"We really haven't heard much
from the government and I think that
we've been more than patient. I
don't know of any other public service sector that would wait this long
for a new contract," Stake said.
Stake said the strike is the next
logical step after pressure tactics,
such as cutting a few minutes of class
time each day, proved ineffective.
She added strikes were not necessarily the last step.
"We're aiming for a contract by
June of this year. If the strikes don't
bring that about then we'll have to
intensify our tactics," she said without going into further detail.
The Quebec Provincial Association of Teachers, which represents
the province's 7,500 educators in the
anglophone school districts, will be
holding its province-wide strikes
April 19 and May 6.
However, school board administrators maintain the onus is on the
teachers' unions to resolve the
impasse without negatively impact
ing the schools.
Jean-Pierre St-Gelais, spokes-person for the Management
Negotiating Committee, which represents Quebec school boards at the
bargaining table, said teachers are
simply demanding too much.
"The unions are being irresponsible. We would have to hire 5,000
more teachers to meet their
demands," he said.
St-Gelais also accused the unions
of fuelling unwarranted resentment
against school boards.
The unions "are making us seem
like the bad guys through their propaganda, when they're the ones that
are taking students and parents
hostage," he said.
"WE REALLY HAVEN'T
HEARD MUCH FROM THE
GOVERNMENT AND I
THINK THAT WE'VE BEEN
MORE THAN PATIENT. I
DON'T KNOW OF ANY
OTHER PUBLIC SERVICE
SECTOR THAT WOULD
WAIT THIS LONG FOR A
NEW CONTRACT."
-Frangoise Stake
President, Quebec Provincial
Association of Teachers
Although about 30 per cent of
union members voted against going
on strike, there remains widespread
frustration with the state of the
negotiations.
"Even those not in favour of the
strike want long-term pressure tactics in place," said Andre Melnyk,
president of the Riverside Teachers'
Union. "That just shows the degree
of disappointment coming from
teachers."
Melnyk also pointed to the CEGEP
teachers' strike held recendy as further proof the Liberal government is
not duly dealing with teachers' complaints that they are overworked and
underpaid. II THEUBYSSEY  Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
National 5
Debate rages after McGill
cancels graduation prayer
Critics challenge decision on grounds of tradition, inclusiveness
by Erika Meere
THE MCGILL DAILY
MONTREAL (CUP) - The debate
over the role of religion at McGill
University has flared up again—
this time, over a controversial
decision to end the century-old tradition of saying benediction at
convocation.
In a February 4 letter to
McGill's director of chaplaincy
services, former secretary-general
Robin Gellar, whose department is
responsible for organising convocation, announced the benediction
would no longer be included in the
ceremony.
At a board of governors meeting
March 29, student union representative Matthew Howatt challenged
this decision, arguing the prayer is
a meaningful part of the ceremony
for students from many different
faiths. Governors debated the issue
for about half an hour, ultimately
sending the matter to the senate for
further discussion.
Because of the slow pace of
administrative decision-making at
McGill, it is unlikely the cancellation
of benediction will be overturned in
time for spring convocation.
At  McGill,   benediction   is   a
short prayer led by one of the university's chaplains who represent
the Christian, Muslim, Jewish,
Sikh and Buddhist faiths. A sample
benediction asks God to bless the
university in its pursuit of truth,
and assist it in its efforts to provide scholarly groundwork and
intellectual leadership.
"What we really try to do is have
something that puts into perspective the gift that is education. . . .
And goodness knows an institution
like McGill needs prayer/ said the
director of chaplaincy services,
Reverend Gwenda Wells, adding
the ritual serves to acknowledge the
importance of spirituality in many
students' lives.
Howatt said while it is not his
intention to force anyone to pray, it
would be next to impossible to
remove all traces of religion from
university traditions, which include
mention of the Lord or God in the
school song, on every diploma, and
on the school crest.
For its part, the administration
has maintained that prayer has no
place in a secular university.
Daniel Cere, director of the
Newman Centre, challenged McGill's
interpretation of secularism, pointing out that the term does not neces
sarily mean excluding any component of religion, but rather can
allow a university to embrace multiple faiths.
Nevertheless, the secular argument echoes one made several
times by administrators in the
ongoing dispute over Muslim
prayer space on campus. Last fall,
the university informed the
Muslim Students Association that
it would not renew an agreement
granting them prayer space in
Peterson Hall.
While Wells could not say for
certain whether the two issues are
linked, she questioned the process
by which the decision to end benedictions at convocation was made.
"If linked, I would see it as a
shortcut to maintaining the stance
that McGill is non-denominational," she said. "I think that in the
event that McGill is challenged [on
the prayer space issue] at the
Human Rights Commission, being
able to show the tradition of inclusiveness would be a stronger
stance for the university to take."
Wells and the chaplaincy team
have drafted a response to Geller's
letter that asks the new secretary-
general to reconsider excluding
prayer from convocation, a
Grow-op busts steady despite
more press coverage: police
by Elizabeth Shurcliff
THE MCGILL DAILY
MONTREAL (CUP) - Since the
shooting deaths of four Mounties outside an Alberta grow-op early last
month, police takedowns of marijuana-producing facilities have been
receiving more media coverage. But
authorities and pot advocates alike
agree there has been no increase in
busts of grow-ops.
Wayne Oakes, spokesperson for
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
of Alberta, said the increased media
attention is due to the fact grow-ops
now play a larger role in public consciousness.
"Any time a tragic incident happens, it will heighten awareness,"
he said.
While Oakes said more people are
paying attention, he denied the police
have cracked down on grow-ops. He
said the rigorous process necessary
to obtain a search warrant ensures
police are not doing things any differently because of the shootings.
"It usually starts off with a very
subtle belief, but we cannot act on
mere suspicion. We need enough
credibility for a search warrant to be
justified," he said.
In Montreal, Dominique Lacasse,
who is in charge of drug offences for
Saint-Henri and Pointe-Saint-Charles,
agreed there has been no significant increase.
"I see busts every week, but
there's been no change," he said.
Sonja Kleiman, chief hemp officer
for the federal Marijuana Party, said
police rarely search out grow-ops. She
maintained chance, rather than
investigation, usually leads to the discovery of the operations.
"Nine times out of ten, it's some
random factor," she said, citing
examples such as fires in the buildings or operators bragging to
friends about their crop, allowing
the police to catch wind.
Corporal Pat Gelina, a national
RCMP spokesperson, pointed out the
difficult position police face when
they find out about grow-ops.
"We know we may get hurt.
There are often booby traps, but
it's our job," he said.
Kleiman said there would be less
crime attached to the marijuana
industry if small-scale grow-ops
were legalized. She maintained this
would encourage people to grow for
themselves, thereby eliminating
larger operations. She also said higher standards of quality and safety
could be enforced.
"If it were legalised, it could be
regulated just like basil production.
As it is, all that matters to growers is
the finishing weight," Kleiman said.
But Oakes argued legalisation
would do nothing to curb what he
called the ill effects of marijuana. He
said the legality of alcohol and tobacco has not reduced the threatening
aspects of those substances.
"History has not proven that
aspect thus far," Oakes said. II
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WESTJET TICKETS WITH NO SERVICE FEES,
CASH PAYMENTS ACCEPTED!
Buy Westjet tickets and earn chances to win
- visit www.travelcuts.com for more details.
M OFFERS
Busabout BONUS!
Get a FREE*
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OR
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For more details calf or stop by one of our offices.
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TRAVELCUTS
Seethe worldy^
Conditions apply. Prices are valid at time of advertising deadline and may vary depending on availabitity, eligibility and departure dates. Prices exclude taxes and other applicable fees. Travel CUTS is owned
and operated by the Canadian Federation of Students. TtCO #1324998	 fi Feature
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
THE UBYSSEY
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
Feature 7
A Career in Orthoptics
The Vancouver Orthopric Program is accepting applications tor its 24
month course. The program is based in the department of Ophthalmology
at British Columbia's Children's Hospital. The 2 students selected begin
training in July 2005.
An Orrboptist is an eye care professional with specialized knowledge in
vision science emphasizing disorders of vision, binocular vision and ocular
motility. They collaborate with patients, their families and health care
professionals to support quality patient care. They are also ohen involved
in research and teaching programs.
Canadian certified Orthoptists are eligible for employment in both Canada
and the United Stares.
Requirements:
• Baccalaureate degree
• Good verbal and written communication skills
• Analytical thinking, patience and professionalism
• Relate well to people of all ages
Application deadline: April 30/2005
Requests for information and application forms should be
mailed or faxed ro:
Orthoptic Services, B.C. Children's Hospital
4480 Oak Street, Vancouver, BC, V6H 3V4.
Fax: (604) 875-3561
Email: cgiligson@cw.be.ca
Further information can be obtained at: ivivw.tcos.ca
UBC AQU
TIC CENTRE
Detailed info:
604 822-4522
www^aquatics.u
Owtdoorpqol
FORWARD
opens May 7
Starting April 28
Aquatic Courses in:
Aquatic Pirst Aid
pfegua
liistr^
/Vquacize and
*ENT1RE AQUATIC CENTRE
CLOSED APRIL 8 - MAY 6
April 29th & 30th
7:00pm
at The Ridge Theatre
3131 Arbutus St.
wwwJilm.ubc.ca/pov
Tickets:
Limelight
UBC Theatre  The Ridge   B\z Books     Video      Zulu Records
&22-267B      738-6311    669-6431   228-1478      738-3232
Martha Piper 1997-2006
When Martha Piper replaced long-time President
David Strangway in 1997, she became UBC's first
female president and the first chief administrator
to be born in the United States. The Ohio native
brought her background in developmental psychology and experience as the Vice-President of
Research at the University of Alberta to her new-
office at Point Grey, UBC.
No doubt one of the defining facets of the Piper
era began in 2001 with the lifting of the provincial
tuition freeze. The ensuing increases in tuition and
fees saw the cost of a UBC education almost double
in four years. Piper and her administration had little choice in the matter, but marked improvements
in the quality of education have yet to be seen.
Piper, meanwhile, has become a noted force in
the post-secondary lobbying community, drawing
accolades from national and provincial observers.
Her prominent poHtical profile no doubt fuelled
speculation that she would run for office in this
spring's provincial campaign.
The current President has also presided over a
large-scale expansion of UBC. Research funding has
arrived by the thousands, leading to a construction
boom that will continue well into her successor's
term. Among the most prominent developments:
the new Irving K. Barber Learning Centre, the
BioSciences building and a series of new engineering and science facilities on South Campus still
under construction.
The University Town plan, originally formulated
in the early 1990s, came much closer to fruition
under Piper. A newly redesigned University
Boulevard will soon be a reality, and a major housing and commercial development on South
Campus is not far behind.
These rapid developments naturally came with
a side-helping of aggrieved campus activists.
Student demands for improved consultation have
been addressed, at least to a small extent, as seen
with the recent introduction of a poll for the
University Boulevard designs and the alteration of
plans for the Marine Drive student residences to
address concerns raised by the Wreck Beach
Preservation Society.
Martha's approach of outward and upward
has seen UBC conquer more than just the virgin
forests of South Campus. Okanagan University
College will become the first satellite campus in
the UBC galaxy of stars (they call it a system) this
fall as it becomes UBC-O.
The whirlwind creation of a UBC system has
taken place over the past year, and many details
have yet to be finalised. Consultation has proved
difficult once again, with disgruntled Okanagan
residents, students and instructors worrying about
an operation described by some as a takeover.
Piper's handling of employment disputes closer
to home have also been a concern. An article in a
September 2003 issue of the Ubyssey revealed that
Piper had sent a letter to the provincial government
urging intervention in a protracted strike action by
UBC's teaching assistants. The Liberals enacted Bill
21 just six days later, forcing the striking employees back to work.
Long-term planning and nebulous commitments to global citizenship will also define Piper's
presidency for future generations, thanks to the
Trek 2000 and Trek 2010 documents. Current Alma
Mater Society President Spencer Keys believes that
these will prove to be Piper's greatest legacy.
"I think the biggest contribution by her is her
strategic planning, * Keys said. "Make what you will
of Trek 2000 and Trek 2010, the fact is that we
have those documents. Before [Piper] that's not
something that we necessarily did have."    QS
David Strangway i 985-1997
Dr David W. Strangway, who held a PhD in
Physics from the University of Toronto,
served a 12-year tenure as president of UBC.
Prior to his presidency, Strangway worked at
U of T. In addition, he worked with various
international companies, the United
Nations, and with NASA as Chief of the
Geophysics Branch, where he was responsible for the geophysical aspects of the US
space agency's Apollo missions.
After leaving UBC, Strangway became the
President and CEO of the Canada
Foundation for Innovation and is the
founder and president of the Sea to Sky
University in Squamish, BC.
Despite his many credentials, Strangway
received his share of criticism. In a letter
obtained by the Ubyssey in 1996, during an
ongoing dispute between UBC and the
provincial government over funding,
Strangway told Minister of Education Moe
Sihota that 30 to 40 faculty and staff would
lose their jobs if the university was not
allowed to charge students a sewage
ancillary fee the next year.
The sewage fee, which Strangway estimated would cost each student between $30
and $50 per year, was just one of six ancillary fees the university planned that would
increase student fees by up to $300 dollars.
Then-student council president David
Borins said it was appalling for Strangway to
use the faculty as pawns in its funding dispute
with the provincial government, accusing UBC
of trying to circumvent a government-imposed
tuition freeze by implementing additional fees
that didn't technically fall under tuition.
Strangway's reign also saw the commissioning and release of the McEwan Report, a
response to accusations of sexism and
racism in UBC's Political Science department. The 1994 report stressed the importance of shutting down admissions to the
graduate studies program while the claims
of discrimination were dealt with, but
admissions were reopened only a year later.
Student activists claimed that the problems had not been dealt with, but Strangway
dismissed their concerns.
Another major event of the Strangway presidency was the Asia Pacific Economic
Cooperation (APEC) conference held in part at
UBC in 1997. Many students protested, frustrated that Strangway welcomed the leaders of
China and Indonesia to campus.
Even after stepping down as UBC president, Strangway was still being criticised for
his conduct during his 12-year presidency,
and for his later projects. II
by Sarah Bourdon and Dan McRoberts  NEWS EDITORS
Our past and present presidents
Walter Gage 1969-1975
Walter Gage worked his way to the
top at UBC. He graduated from
the university with a BA in 1925
and went on to earn a MA in
mathematics and physics. In
1933, he joined UBC's Department of Mathematics, rising to
professor in 1943, and serving as
Dean of Administrative and Inter-
Faculty Affairs in 1948 and later
as Dean of Inter-Faculty and
Student Affairs. After serving as
acting president for two years,
Gage became UBC's sixth president in 1969, a position he held
until his retirement in 1975.
Gage was one of UBC s most
beloved presidents. An article
that appeared in a 1978 edition of
the Ubyssey just after Gage's
death stated that it was "hard to
avoid superlatives when speaking
of Walter Gage, who devoted most
of his life to the UBC community.
He was well known and loved, not
only for his teaching and administrative skills, but also for his
social involvement."
In the Ubyssey article, retired
English professor William
Robbins, a student of Walter
Gage's in 1927 and 1928 at
Victoria College, recalled Gage's
care for students, a pattern that
he carried to UBC, along with his
interesting lectures and fine
teaching ability.
"[Victoria College] was a quiet
place. [Gage] had a way of making
mathematics interesting. It
became the most exciting subject
in the college... He struggled to
help those who were having trouble, whether they were good in
math or not, or whether or not
they were carrying on in math."
Walter Harry Gage died from
cancer in UBC's Health Service
Hospital at the age of 73. II
Leonard Klinck 1919-1944
Leonard Klinck became UBC President
suddenly, after sitting President Frank
Wesbrook died unexpectedly in 1919.
Klinck would hang on to the top job for a
quarter of a century.
Klinck first came to Vancouver in 1914
to consult with Wesbrook in planning the
future university that was to be established
and was invited to become Dean of the
Faculty of Agriculture, the first appointment to the UBC faculty.
After becoming President, Klinck's first
challenge lay in overseeing the physical
building of the university with the move of
the campus from Fairview to Point Grey.
Klinck's presidential successor, Norman
Mackenzie, outlined the accomplishments
made during Klhick's lengthy tenure.
"President Klinck took up the struggle
in 1919 and in the following year succeeded in persuading the government to adopt
a policy of action; the 2,000,000 acres of
University Endowment Lands were
exchanged for 3,000 acres in Point
Grey...Less than two years later, on
September 22, 1925, lectures began in the
new buildings, with a student enrolment of
1,453," wrote Mackenzie.
The following years saw the development
of buildings and lecture halls, and the establishment of courses and programs. However,
this development did not always proceed
smoothly in Klinck's term as he dealt with the
interference of a difficult provincial government and the onset of the Depression. At one
point, Klinck even offered to cut his salary
after it had already been decreased.
Although Klinck managed campus development well, he also made attempts to control the campus media. After the Ubyssey
lampooned a patriotic poem read by an
Australian guest of honour in the early
1920s, Klinck apologised on behalf of the students and fired the paper's editor-in-chief.
The rest of the staff quit in protest.
Later, Kliiick expelled another editor for
criticising the provincial government.
Just as the effects of the depression began
to subside, World War II began, placing new
pressures and requirements on UBC. In his
1940-41 report, Klinck described UBC's commitment to the cause.
"From the day of the declaration of
war, the University has been prepared to
put at the disposal of the Government all
possible assistance byway of laboratories,
equipment and trained personnel, in so
far as such action is consistent with the
maintenance of reasonably efficient
instructional standards. To do less would
be unthinkable," he wrote. II
Frank Wesbrook 1913-1918
And in the beginning, there was Frank.
And it was good.
Frank Wesbrook, then Dean of
Medicine at the University of Minnesota,
travelled west in 1913 to become the
founding President of UBC. At the time,
UBC joined McGill College of BC in occupying the Fairview site, now the location of
Vancouver General Hospital.
According to Norman Mackenzie,
who served as UBC President from 1944
to 1962, the early years at the Fairview
campus were "dominated by World War
I, in which the University took its full
part." By the end of the war, 697 members of UBC and of the McGill College of
BC had enlisted.
During the war, Wesbrook wrote in a
campus publication: "To us has come the
opportunity of making our Province, our
Dominion, our Empire and our world, a
better place in which to live. May those
we hold these gifts in trust rise
lui   vviiuuu
up and call us blessed. To meet in full
our obligation, may ours be a Provincial
University without provincialism. May
our sympathies be so broadened and our
service so extended to all the people of
the Province that we may indeed be the
people's University, whose motto is
tuum est"
Though UBC's Arts and Science faculties were strong, the war brought budget
shortages that limited the development of
other faculties, such as Applied Sciences
and Agriculture. More pressing was a lack
of buildings and facilities on the campus.
Plans for a new campus at Point Grey were
approved in 1912.
According to Mackenzie, "These plans
were part of the lure which had brought
the first President to the Province from
the Deanship of Medicine in the
University of Minnesota, and from the day
of his appointment until his death in
October, 1918, Dr Wesbrook laboured to
effect the move to Point Grey." II
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Tuesday, 5 April, 2005   THEUBYSSEY
FINAL :Cu^
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©PEES m THEATRES
OM APRIL 22
Not ringing in
the same success
THE RING TWO
Now playing
by Greg Ursic
CULTUREWRITER
Having survived an ordeal with the
vengeful spirit Samara, Rachel
Keller (Naomi Watts) is determined
to immerse herself in the comfortable anonymity of small town life.
While she tries to adapt to a new
routine and provide a normal life
for her young son, Rachel still struggles with the decisions that she
made in the past. After a local youth
dies mysteriously, she quickly
realises that Samara is not about to
let sleeping spirits lie.
Long before the Ring swept
through the North American box
office, it was a phenomenon that
was creeping people out across the
Pacific. The film shared a similar
reputation to that enjoyed by the
Blair Witch Project, in that many
people believed that the story had
its roots in real events. This became
apparent during the on-campus
guerrilla marketing campaign when
tapes were dropped off in front of
several residents' rooms, and left
several students shaken. But after
watching the Ring Two, most viewers will simply be left with a bad
taste in their mouths.
From its horribly contrived
(although somewhat amusing)
'she's back' opening sequence, it is
readily apparent that the Ring Two
is merely a shadow of its predecessor. It' s difficult to pinpoint a single
plot element that ruins this movie,
as  there  are  so  many to  choose
from. This includes but is not limited to: Samara's sudden inexplicable
rebirth, the half hearted attempt to
decipher Samara's origin, or the
nonsensical Bambi and fellow big
bucks run amok sequence. Wait, I
take that back, I could probably forgive the above oversights, but can't
overlook the egregious one-of-these-
things-is not-like-the-other concept
which is repeatedly hammered
home. Apparently subtlety is a
lost art.
Naomi Watts has amassed an
impressive body of work with roles in,
Mulholland Drive, 21 Grams 3rd I
Heart Huckabees. Unfortunately
despite Herculean efforts to infiise
Rachel with some spirit (no pun
intended), she is dragged down by
woefully inadequate dialogue. The
same can't be said of David
Dorfmann, who plays Rachel's son.
Let me preface this by saying that I
realise that he's a kid and that in
certain scenes is unnerving, but his
acting is atrocious, and I found him
to be especially annoying. As WC
Fields was fond of saying 'Go away
kid you bother me!' Finally Sissy
Spacek who was outstanding in
Carrie, is given the role of rambling-
mental-patient-with-the-answer
apparently to give the film some
credibility. Through no fault of
Spacek's—it fails miserably.
The Ring Two is a poorly written
mess of a movie with a rambling
plot, one-dimensional characters,
and was clearly thrown together in a
cynical attempt to cash in on the success of its predecessor. Much like the
recent spate of 'scary' films, this one
confuses 'horror' with 'horrible.' II
Killing show softly
Duo may want to stick to the studio
The Kills with guests The Sights
@ the Rett Room
March 26
by Jenn Cameron
CULTURE STAFF
Upon entering the virtually empty
Red Room last week, I was immediately reminded of a slightly upscale
neighbourhood pub. Two unused
pool tables served as seats for some,
while railings on the edge of the
dance floor seemed to do the trick
for others. Nearer to the stage,
younger show goers stood fidgeting,
excitedly eyeing the instruments.
When the opening band. The
Sights, took the stage, the vast
majority of the crowd sat motionless. The energy and eagerness of
the band was simply unable to make
up for an otherwise dull performance. They had a rough, garage rock
sound that wasn't unappealing, but
it just wasn't able to grab anyone's
attention.
When personas Hotel (Jamie
Hince) and W (Alison Mosshart) of
the Kills took the stage, people
jumped to their feet. Their forceful
stage presence and roughly polished appearance distracted those
in the back from their conversations, and brought about cheerful
appreciation from diehard fans.
The set began with a few technical difficulties, but the punky duo
persevered, W's chunky bangs jolted
up and down to the music as she
pulled the words through her
scratchy throat. Hotel was so jittery
on his guitar he looked as though he
might have been possessed. They
held the crowd's attention—for the
first fifteen minutes.
After enthusiastic renditions of
three or four songs from their latest
album No Wow, their badass personas and perhaps slightly contrived stage look began to irk me. By
the unimpressed looks on several
other members of the audience, I
wasn't the only one who was gradually losing interest.
The Kills have a coarse rhythm
that at first glance seems refreshing,
but upon a closer look becomes just
as garbled as a lot of the crap you see
on Much Music. The two seem to be
attempting to establish themselves
as hard musicians by paying tribute
to the blues and rock of the past,
without bringing anything new.
Their Hve show seemed to solidify my sneaking suspicion that the
Kills are merely a shadow of greater
bands. They have the look, the
names, the presence, and the moves
of rock stars, but that just made it all
the more apparent that they weren't
what they were pretending to be.
The songs bled into one another,
and the heavy base jarred over, and
over, and over, and over again.
Feigned intensity was unable to disguise the weakness in content. By
the encore I had had enough. H THE UBYSSEY  Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
Culture Q
out now
Life, love, and reality in Prague
UP AND DOWN
Now playing
at Tinseltown Cinema
by Ania Mafi
CULTURE EDITOR
Set in post-communist Prague, Up
and Down is a film about life and
love, following three interconnecting story lines that effortlessly
blend into one another and
become somehow related although
the connections are not evident
right away—which is the best part.
A place where multiculturalism is
somewhat of a new phenomenon,
it is evident which characters
believe in the old way, and which
are a part of a newer, more liberal
Czech lifestyle. The distinction
between old and new creates conflict and unrest, something many
people may not know even exists
there today.
The film starts off with two
smugglers sneaking people
through the Czech-Slovak border.
Unfortunately, the human cargo left
something behind—a small Indian
baby, nestled inside a box. While
one smuggler decides they should
dump the baby in the forest, the
other has a conscience that can't
bear the thought, and so the baby
unknowingly is taken to "smuggler
headquarters."
From here the movie introduces
Franta and Mila, a young couple
unable to have children, something
so dear and important to Mila. Due
to Franta's criminal record, brought
upon by Franta's uncontrollable
temper (which audiences will have
pity for), the couple cannot adopt a
child and so Mila becomes obsessed
with finding a baby—she even
attempts to steal one at an amusement park as she lurks around
hunting for her "child". Franta,
played by Jiri Machacek is by far
one of the best characters in this
film. Audiences will laugh at his
Shrek-like demeanour, but also
sympathise with his troubled life
despite his kind heart. Of course at
this point you think, 'couple seeking
baby, baby found in truck—it's perfect.' In comes the third plot.
Professor Otakar Horecky is
teaching a lecture hall full of students when suddenly he collapses.
His ill health leads to a family
reunion with his son Martin coming
home from Australia to see his
father. The reunion includes his
mother (Otakar's ex-wife), Vera
(played by Czech favourite Emilia
Vasaryova), as well as Martin's ex-
girlfriend-turned-dad's-new-girl-
friend, the beautiful young Hana.
Within this subplot rise a number of
other issues, which do not confuse
the larger theme of the movie or
make this subplot too complex. In
fact, a more distinct comparison
between the old and new is established, mirrored in the characters
of Vera (old) and Hana (new).
The connection between the subplots is revealed in a scene with
Hana at work. She works in a
refugee centre and is helping an
Indian woman find her baby.
Although Hana is a liberal women
willing to help people of all colours
and races, throughout the movie
one may be surprised by the racist
name-calling the other characters
make in reference to the "black"
baby. Within the context of life in a
city welcoming multiculturalism
and capitalism into their old ways,
this un-acceptance does not come as
a surprise.
The manner in which this movie
unfolds in only 108 minutes is
exquisite. Without cutting any corners on details and character development, the film leaves out the long
silent scenes (notorious in foreign
films), and moves at a steady pace
keeping the audience interested.
Up and Down is the winner of
four Czech Lions (equivalent to the
Oscar) for best film, screenplay,
director, and actress (Emilia
Vasaryova). Director Jan Hrebejk
and writer Petr Jarchovsky are the
same duo behind the Oscar nominated Divided We Fall. A beautiful
and enlightening film, be sure to
Czech this out. H
THE SUSTAINABLE REGION INITIATIVE   4I>     m
The Drinking Water Management Plan
The Air Quality Management Plan
The Regional Parks and Greenways Plan
We have plans
Help shape our region
The GVRD invites you to discuss three major plans which are significant
components of the Sustainable Region Initiative (SRI) which will shape
the future of our region. Take part in a public meeting near you where
you will be introduced to the SRI and three new management plans.
Attend a public meeting
Registration 6:30 - 7 p.m.   •   Public meeting 7-9 p.m.
Tuesday, April 19
Sheraton Guildford Hotel
15269 104th Avenue, Surrey
Thursday, April 21
For more information:
Copies of the management plans are available at www.gvrd.bc.ca.
To request printed copies, please call 604-451-6596.
Your feedback is welcome!
If you would like to provide feedback but are unable to attend a meeting,
please send us your comments by May 18, 2005.
Fax: 604-432-6399
Mail:        Greater Vancouver Regional District, Public Involvement Division
4330 Kingsway, Burnaby, B.C. V5H 4G8
E-mail:     gvrd.communications@gvrd.bc.ca
Capiiano College Sportsplex
2055 Purcell Way, District of North Vancouver
Tuesday, April 26
Thursday, April 28
Meadow Gardens Golf Course
19675 Meadow Gardens Way, Pitt Meadows
Newlands Golf and Country Club
21025 48th Avenue, City of Langley
Tuesday, May 3
Executive Plaza Hotel
405 North Road, Coquitlam
■■<
Wednesday, May 4
Hilton Metrotown
6083 McKay Avenue, Burnaby
if you plan to attend, or for more information, please call the
GVRD SRI management plan information line at 604-451-6596.
Please refer to the GVRD website for maps of the meeting locations:
www.gvrd.bc.ca 10 Editorial
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005   THEUBYSSEY
"Che ^by$$cy
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005
Vol.LXXXVI  N°48
Editorial Board
coordinating editor Jesse Marchand
coordinating@ubyssey.bc.ca
news editors Sarah Bourdon
Dan McRoberts
news@ubyssey. b c. ca
culture editor Ania Mafi
culture@ubyssey.bc.ca
sports editor Eric Szeto
sports@ubyssey.bc.ca
features/national editor Alex Leslie
features@ubyssey.bc.ca
photo editor Nic Fensom
photos@ubyssey.bc.ca
production manager Michelle Mayne
production@ubyssey.bc. ca
Coordinators
volunteers Carrie Robinson
volunteers@ubyssey.bc.ca
research/letters Paul Evans
feedback@ubyssey.bc.ca
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University
of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday
by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous,
democratically run student organisation, and all students are
encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They
are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily
reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the
University of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in
The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein
cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission
of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include
your phone number, student number and signature (not for
publication) as well as your year and faculty with all submissions.
ID will be checked when submissions are dropped off at the
editorial office of The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done
by phone. "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but
under 750 words and are run according to space. "Freestyles" are
opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be
given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is
time sensitive. Opinion pieces will not be run until the identity of
the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey reserves the right to edit
submissions for length and clarity.
it is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an
advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the
UPS will not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS
shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors
that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca
e-mail: feedback@ubyssey.bc.ca
BUSINESS OFFICE
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.bc.ca
business manager Femie Pereira
ad sales Dave Gaertner
ad design Shalene Takara
"Only two more exams left!" shouted the pleased Carrie Robinson.
"What, Exams haven't even started yet" answered Melissa
Woodside. Michelle Mayne, Jesse Marchand and Dan McRoberts
all wished that they were over. Sarah Bourdon and Alex Leslie kept
insisting that they were. "What are you guys going on about" said
Eric Szeto, as he looked up from his textbook. "Some people are
having timing problems" said Ania Mafi. Nic Fensom, Paul Evans,
Claudia Li and Megan Smyth all are starting a new"studying" technique in preparation. To the mystery of Megan Smyth. Colleen
Tang had heard about this technique, as did Liz Green. Simon
Underwood had apparently instigated it, as he curiously set foot in
the office. Sam Wasswa-Kintu never questioned the technique
"Works every time" he said. Mai Bui, Hilary Onas, Sara Norman and
Shannon Wang all wondered what it was. "It is to pretend that
they are over" answered Yinan Max Wang, and everyone at once
sighed a sigh of relief and understanding. Except Greg Ursic and
Jenn Cameron and Levi Barnett who were still frustrated.
editorial graphic Simon Underwood
?
ladian
versifv      Canada Post Sales Agreement
Number 0040878022
/ KNOW WHATY0UP1D LAST SUMMER...
...you peddled knives!
...you joined a militia!
/You kids wanno buy some blades?
The see-saw is rough scenes post 4 PM
So what_we marchin' ginst a
Mexicans^
.you gave back to nature!
Couldn't we just TRY to be
discursive for a moment?
...you enrolled...in summer school.
fTHislSFOR THE BEST. SERIOUSLY.
UOMGi i LOVETHIS CHEAP KNIFE!),
Summer is fast approaching. For
many students that means it's time
to find a job. We here at the Ubyssey
know how difficult a task this can be
and, while we can't get you the job of
your dreams, we can provide you
with a few interesting places to drop
off a resume and some employers
you should probably avoid.
Ubyssey janitor
Pay: Zilch
Description: Cleaning our office.
Qualifications: Must work well with
fruit flies, have the patience to watch
office get trashed less than a day
after cleaning and must be willing to
listen to "Karma Cameleon" over
and over...and over and over and
over
Arizona Border Patrol
Pay: Bullets
Description: Students returning
home to the good ol' US of A for the
summer will find an interesting
new volunteer opportunity in
Arizona. In response to waves of illegal migration along the US-Mexican
border, volunteer citizen militias
known as "Minutemen" now roam
the border area, practising vigilance
and a special brand of xenophobia
masked in nationalistic concern.
While they have no training, the
militia members are armed—no
joke.
Qualifications: Must have a neck
that is dark pink or redder. Must
own a gun. Must be unsure whether
the term Minutemen has anything
to do with a popular orange drink.
No other qualifications required.
Turkey catching
Pay: Unknown
Description: Talk to Underwood;
he'll get you started.
Qualifications: Here turkey, turkey.
Vector Marketing
Pay: Conditional. Piddling average.
Description: It's generally a bad sign
when the number of people who
have heard about its bad reputation
greatly exceeds the number that
actually know what they do. For
Vector Marketing Corporation, a
subsidiary of Alcas Corporation, this
discrepency is no coincidence. The
company is unusually secretive and
does not inform students of the
product in classroom presentations
or handouts; it is only after attending a three-hour recruiting seminar
that one learns they will be selling
knives. Knives!
Qualifications: Must love bothering
your friends with knife parties.
Must have about $175 for start-up.
Parents' basement
overlord
Pay: Free rent
Description: An occupation pursued
by thousands of students across the
country every summer. Involves
making sure too much dust doesn't
accumulate between the keys of the
TV remote control, overseeing the
couch's dip-spot, and ensuring that
the house's supply of Cheetos never
dips below 3 bags at any given time
(24 hour watch, mister).
Qualifications: Your parent's
haven't turned your bedroom into a
yoga studio or indoor apiary.
Lover of knowledge
Pay: You pay school of choice
Description: Yeah, that's why I'm
going to summer school, jackass.
Step off. Read; amateur freelance
novelist.
Qualifications: Not be kicked out of
school yet.
Tree planting
Pay. $$-beer-life+broken back=poor
Description: There is a common
assumption that working in tree
planting is a highly lucrative summer job. While it is possible to make
more than $200 per day one has to
be willing to work weeks on end
without a break.
Qualifications: It helps to have a
spine like Gumby and completely
impenetrable layer of skin coating
your entire body. All of it.
Dodgy Hotel Worker
Pay: Free condoms/minimum wage
Description: Working at a dodgy
80-year old hotel sounds more fun
than it actually is. Faulty insulation, lack of air conditioning, bad
ventiliation, numerous health
code violations, clogged toilets
and to top it all off, constant customer dissatisfaction leads you to
want to blow your head off. Or run
into the bathroom and hide for
eight hours at a time.
Qualifications: Must be able to
install webcams into high traffic
rooms for amatuer porno film side
business.
Psychology experiment
subject
Pay: Varies, so do the side effects!
Description: Everyone's seen
those posters around campus. Ten
bucks a pop. Spend a few hours
every day having fake urine
dripped on your hand, watching
virtual rats in a computer maze,
or deliberating over the hypothetical IQ levels of famous historical
figures. Posterity will remember
you proudly as Subject A who
"screamed, cried and rolled on the
floor when the imitation placenta
was brought into the room."
Qualifications: Must love the scent
of latex gloves.
Copy intern at small town
newspaper
Pay: Varies
Description: Write gripping stories
about new crosswalks, cats caught
in trees and songbird surveying.
Proofread until your eyes bleed.
Enjoy the summer in an office with
no temperature control during a
two-week heat wave. Wait for the
angry phone calls from the relatives
of high school rugby players
after you mispell Zinetula
Bilaytetubenov.
Qualifications: Get coffee for your
many bosses whom you are forced
to worship.
AMS employee
Pay: Nice...
Description: But don't. No, really,
don't. Don't do it. Don't! This one
time, someone we know spent a
summer working for a society of
self-aggrandising idiots...but the
salary was so sweet.
Qualifications: No morals. No soul.
Worker of generic
minimum wage job
Pay: Disgustiningly poor
Description: Benny'sbagels mcdon-
al dsstarbucks ohmygo diamgoing-
todielululemonbodyshopburgerk-
ingbutireadshakespeareduringth-
eyearpaylessshoesdunkindonuts-
dennysmcdonaldsmcdonaldsmc-
donaldsstarbucks
Qualifications: No morals. No soul.
Canadian Springs delivery
person
Pay: Poor (ish)
Description: This job will allow
you to lug around an 18.5 litre
(otherwise known as "fucking
heavy") bottle full of fresh clean
water to desperatly thirsty office
slaves that work downtown.
You're so thirsty yourself that you
just want to smash the top of one
open, turn it upside down over
your head, and let the water pour
into your mouth and all over your
tired aching, sweaty body. Instead,
you just lift, place into machine,
and watch them race over with
their Nalgene water bottles.
Qualifications: None
Pope
Pay: More than you will ever ever
see in your lifetime
Description: Well, this job will last
longer than the summer, but there
is a current opening. Good benefits,
short work days. Free travel. And a
Popemobile.
Qualifications: Must be Catholic,
revered and accepting of ill-timed
newspaper jokes. Ill THEUBYSSEY  Tuesday, 5 April. 2005
Opinion H
i
Letters
GAP display doesn't
belong at UBC
Since coming to UBC a year ago I
have felt safe and secure on my
campus, and protected by my
school, through programs like
Safewalk, the Sexual Assault
Support Centre, Counseling
Services, and Student Health
Services. I truly believed that my
school had my best interests at
heart, providing me with all the
tools necessary to pursue my
educational goals in a healthy,
positive and secure environment. On Thursday March 31,
however, my faith in my school
was shattered.
As I trudged through the
afternoon drizzle I unexpectedly found myself faced with
images of murder and violence. As shocking as these
images were, it was their message that truly injured me.
These images equated women
who had had abortions with
Nazis and lynch mobs, displaying Holocaust and hanging
images next to images of aborted fetuses. Next thing I knew a
pamphlet was shoved into my
hand and I was struggling to
stay calm as I expressed my
concerns about the brutal
images this group had put up
on billboards in front of the
Student Union Building. Soon I
was   bombarded   by   several
members of this group (identified as 'GAP'), who were so
cold and so ignorant I could
hardly breathe. I finally had to
break away from the conversation in tears.
In the mission statement
on its website, UBC states, 'The
University of British Columbia
will provide its students, faculty, and staff with the best possible resources and conditions
for learning and research, and
create a working environment
dedicated to excellence, equity,
and mutual respect.' On
Thursday I found myself panicked, bullied, and psychologically abused. Are these the best
conditions for learning? Is this
mutual respect? Certainly not!
This group, which I learned
was given permission to be on
campus by UBC, not only failed
to show respect, but crossed
the line into harassment.
Freedom of expression is one
thing, but harassment causing
emotional trauma is another.
There is no place for this kind
of abuse in an educational
environment. To allow this to
happen again would be irresponsible on the part of UBC
and I beg, for the sake of student mental health, that this
hurtful propaganda will never
be allowed back on our beautiful campus.
—Jessica Holy oak
Arts 3
Streeters:
Now that there are free daily newspapers such as Dose, Metro,
and 24 Hours available, do you feel inclined to continue reading newspapers you have to pay for like The Vancouver Sun and The Province?
For sure, yeah.
Karen
Math 4
Yeah, I don't like them that
much.
Vicky Gerson
Commerce 1
I subscribe to The Province but I still do read
them a little bit because
it's a long bus ride. I would
leave them on the bus for
the next person.
Adam Trotter
Geography 3
I read the Metro a couple
of times and thought it was
crappy.
Dan Anderson
Computer Science and
Math 6
I wouldn't buy a newspaper anyways. You get news
on the internet now.
Ben Kerby
Electrical Engineering 2
It doesn't matter to me
although I'm sure it's a
good thing.
Lauren Wetmore
Arts 2
w ww.a ms. u bc.ca
mB^m&Mmm
WMsMbs
Inaugural Minischool Wine and Beer Festival
Sat, Apr. 16 @ SUB Ballroom
12 pm to 4 pm
Tickets - $20 / available at minischool@ams.ubcca or 604-822-9342
The first annual Minischool Wine and Beer Festival takes place April 16 and features more
than 25 local and international wine and beer vendors. Feature presentations include
wine columnists James Nevison and Kenji Hodgson and Zayvin Haqq and Rick Mohabir of
JustTherefortheBeer.com. A portion of the proceeds will go to the Variety Club of BC More
details available at http://www.ams.ubc.ca/minischool.
AMS Art Gallery Submissions
Student artists wishing to show their works in the AMS Art Gallery for Fall 2005 should
complete a submission application by May 31/05. The Art Gallery is run by the AMS Art
Gallery Committee. Visit http://www.ams.ubc.ca to download the application form or
pick up a hard copy outside the SAC office located in SUB Rm.238F. AH applications will be
considered by the Committee and confirmation will take place during August.
Submission for Undergrad Journal
Are you interested in having a paper published? Or do you want to be involved in the
process of publishing an academic journal? The UBC Geography Undergraduate Journal
awaits! Submission topics range from physical geography to human geography. Not in
geography? Geography is an interdisciplinary subject, so you can still submit you paper.
The call for papers will be soon! If you would like more information, please contact:
Noel Muller, Coordinator UBC Geography Undergraduate Journal,
noelmull@interchange.ubc.
Choose your U-Town
From April 1-10, the designs of the three finalists for the University Boulevard Architectural competition will be on display at UBC's Helen and Morris Belkin Art Gallery. During
this exhibition, UBC students, staff, faculty, professors emeriti, alumni, and campus
residents are invited to vote and comment on the designs by way ofa campus wide poll.
Visit http://www.universitytown.ubc.ca/archcomp/exhibits.php for more information
and to vote.
AMS - New Positions
New vacancies at the AMS! We currently have vacancies for the following new positions
with your student society:
Finance Commission Vice-Chair
External Commission Vice-Chair
University Commission Vice-Chair
University Affairs Commissioner
Assistant to the President
Student Administrative Commission Vice-Chair
AMS Tutoring Assistant Coordinator
AMS Safety Coordinator
All job descriptions are available on-line at http://www.ams.ubc.ca under "Jobs with
the AMS"Only short-listed candidates will be part of the interview process. Application
deadline for all is April 13,2005.
KA^^:j^M^^$4e£
is?
The Communications Planning Group is pleased to announce the hiring of Michelle
Mayne and Jackie Wong as the AMS Insider's Graphic Designer and Editor for
2005/06. Michelle is currently the Production Manager of The Ubyssey and has had
design experience with Uprooted Magazine and Van City printers, as well as being the
2004 recipient for the John H. MacDonald Award recognizing her photojournalism
talent. Jackie is the current Editor of the Underground newspaper
and has experience in publication coordination, pre-press
expertise, media relations, and advertising. She was also the
former Media Coordinator for the Arts County Fair. Both
Michelle and Jackie will begin work on
the AMS Insider in late April. Welcome!
<wk "*
12 Sports
Tuesday, 5 April, 2005   THEUBYSSEY
Almost
UBC baseball suffers first conference loss of season     !   It's OUTS forever!
by Megan Smyth
SPORTS STAFF
The UBC baseball team retained
their lead in the NAIA Region 1
standings after a three game series
against the Western Baptist
Warriors.
Plagued by rainy weather on
Friday, the T-Birds arrived at Nat
Bailev Stadium at 1 nm in order in
prepare the field for the 6 o'clock
game. "Really it was a miracle we
sot the field readv." said coach
Terry McKaig.
As conditions varied throughout
the da}', players had their doubts as
to whether the game would actually
occur. Changing weather conditions make it "tough for games/
remarked second-year, third baseman   Brett   Murray    "You   never
check out, you get back into focus,
and turn it back on when dealing
with weather conditions and
delays," he said.
Luckily the rain ceased and
Friday evening provided clear skies
for the T-Birds. Despite frigid conditions, which made hands stiff and
created challenges for catching,
pitching and batting, UBC pulled off
a huge 11-1 victory.
Quick first and second innings
provided no runs for either team.
Even though UBC didn't pull in any
runs, Brett Murray showed off his
hatting skills, advancing runners to
second and third. McKaig praised
Murray for being "good with the
bat'"' throughout the game.
In the third, the Warriors pulled
ahead with their first run. The T-Birds
quickh7 caught up with two runs from
The UBC men's rowing team accomplished something they hadn't in 13 years on Saturday—win
the elusive Brown Cup. UBC finished with a time of 11 mins and 33 seconds, seven fewer than
their UVic rivals. The national champion women's team did not fare as well, losing by 35 seconds to their Viking foes, richard lam/ubc athletics photo
Richard Smythe's big hit into centre
field, which resulted in a double play
at the bottom of the fourth.
The fifth inning saw UBC pitcher Matt Miller replacing starter
Doug Grant, after Grant had problems finding the plate. Although
he had control problems early in
the game, Grant allowed only one
run, but also allowed a total of
eight Warriors free rides to
first base.
The wind picked up during the
sixth inning, posing another obstacle for the pla}Ters at bat. Stepping
up   to   the   challenge  was  Adam
Campbell. In the bottom of the seventh Campbell cleared the bases
as he drove in three runs with his
double.
"We have lots of confidence
right now...we just take care of our
own thing," stated McKaig.
On Saturday UBC faced the
Warriors for a double header.
After Friday's game Murra}^ stated
that they would just "go oul and do
the same thing we had success
with." This strategy worked well
for the first game on Saturday. The
T-Birds won 4-2 in the afternoon.,
but the evening game proved to be
a different story. UBC had a 5-1
lead after six innings, but during
the seventh inning, the Warriors
were able to bring home seven
runs. Unfortunately UBC was not
able to regain the lead, and the
Thunderbirds were defeated 8-7.
This marked the first time the
15-1 Birds have faltered in conference play.
Catch the next T-Bird's baseball
games, this Tuesday 6 pm and
Wednesday at noon. Both games
take place at Nat Bailey Stadium
against NAIA champions Lewis-
Ciark State Warriors, eg
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Business Management
Financial Management
Marketing
Creative Arts
Art History
AppHed Science
Human Kinetics
Humanities
Art History
Chinese
Communications
English
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Japanese
Philosophy
A/lath & Science
Biology
Chemistry
Computer Science
Mathematics
Physics
Statistics
Social Sciences
Anthropology
Economics
Geography
History
Latin American Studies
Political Science
Psychology
Sociology
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Let others know how self-ffesolvfei
and gracious you are. corista
Poperah talks to
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UBC's president on over-
ming obstacles, her slow
twin brother, and why
ged birds have more fun.
Bring on the margaritas!
page 13-15
Think positive
about being a
shallow wank
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Think intelligence can
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$450/month with a wood
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THAN CAUCASIAN HETERONORMATIVITY.
WE LIVE WHERE YOU LIVE.™
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Life insurance is something you want to talk about with someone whose racial appearance and sexual orientation makes you
comfortable. Who better than your State Barm agent. They've been there for you in the past and understood the importance of keeping an eye on your lifelong mainstream beliefs. For life insurance, call your neighbourhood State Barm agent, or visit statebarm.com.
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State Barm Insurance Companee (In Middlewhite Whitecountry) Home offices: Bloomington, II. Contents
THIS MONTH'S MISSION:
SANCTIMONIOUS SANCTIMONY
(LOOK FOR THE STORIES IN INK)
Sanctimony! every page
Sanctimony! every page
Sanctimony! every page
Waggling cocks! every page
Sanctimony! every page
Sanctimony! every page
Columns
Ask Poperah 4
-If time is flying, you are the pilot
Poperah 3:16
Snooze 6
Your daddy's fucking dead. Deal. Also, just
because you're taking Honours doesn't mean
you'll be successful!. Or rich. Deal.
Dr Pill 10
Let's get the chickens back in the coop, pardner.
I didn't just fall off the end of no turnip truck. I'm
ginst all this doggy on doggy. Giddup.
Feel a lil' poke coming
through
Sex Advice 5
Get those pants off. Now what do you do?
Hold that down. Pull that up. God, all this sex
business can be so confusing. Grap. Tuck. Agh.
The Working You-Go-Girl
Office Behaviour 8
To take revenge on an enemy with only a staple
gun, buy a box of staples and a gun. Proceed.
Looking out fo; the po'
Homeless Decor 22
This one time I chased a turtle in my dreams.
It turned into my ex-boyfriend and he asked
for his Elton John CD back. That's how I
realised that he was gay. Or maybe it was the
shorts.
Wanky shit
Breathing Space 11
Why can't I be in the harbour of MY life?
Learn to read
BOOkS 20
Oprah, also welcoming to lonely geeks.
wy
w&® y
Hffii
'V
\ i&\>.* -..,
Features
Poperah talks to Marta Pipper at her
secret ranch 13
Two female role models masturbate to their
own inspiration rhetoric. Marta finally tells all
about—guess who?—BORTH!
The Ah-ha! Moment 9
The self-aggrandising world of student politics.
Listen to me! 12
I feel like a Coke can on a campus that sold out
so many years ago.
More self-important crap
TheP-List 16
Do you speak the language of excellence?
Who the fuck cares. Just buy some of this cool
shit I endorse and maybe you'll be more
popular.
Under the sink 51
Maybe that's where you forgot your soul when
you enrolled in that pharmacy course.
In Every issue
Something to think about 7
Becauce thinking can be fun!
P to Go 19
Some quotes about some stuff.
What I know for sure 24
Nothing. Nothing at all.
What I know for sure 24
No, never mind. I am excellent.
What I know for sure 24
I am better than you.
what l know for sure 24
Thick string is more satisfying to tie things with
than thin string.
CONTRIBUTORS: "Raspberry!" says Sarah
Bourdon. Dan McRoberts and Paul Evans
agreed that it was the best Skittle flavor. "Tastes
kinda like that new cherry beer" says Claudia Li.
Colleen Tang found it different, said it tasted
more like the wild cherry bubble tea. "What the
hell are you guys talking about" screamed Alex
Leslie who just walked into the room with Jesse
Marchand. "Were tasting the rainbow!" chimed
Michelle Mayne and Nic Fensom in unison. "Did
you ever try the green one?" inquired Ania Mafi.
"Ya, you have to savor those ones, they are
watermelon" declared Melissa Woodside. "I
donno, I like the berry ones myself" declared
Eric Szeto. "Yah, but where are they all?" said
Simon Underwood. Liz Green directed everyone's attention to Carrie Robinson who was sitting in the washroom hoarding them all. Will
Keats-Osborne tried to grab them from her, but
she was clutching them with such strength that
when Mai Bui came in and startled her, they
flew in the air. Dan Burritt quickly rushed
towards the toilet trying to salvage the last of
the Berry Skittles. Carrie pushed Megan Smyth,
Sara Norman and Jiffy out of her path as she
rushed towards the rainbow.
APRIL     2005     3
Bi P I In the knowprah
Ask Poperah:
4       APRIL     2005
Poperah answers her readers' questions. Minus
the big hat, does she have all the answers?
Poperah, you had a guest on your show
that said when one is alone, you are with
yourself, not by yourself. I'm still confused. Help!
Denise. Albany.
They have cable in Albany?
A
Q poperah, can you please explain
why you advocate strongly for marriage and fidelity, but cannot bring yourself to marry stedman, that tali, verile,
hunk of man you are frequent with?
Jennifer, Pine Hills, Kentucky.
A Didn't you see the sign on my ass?
It says "I'm very busy and very
important," particularly when people
pry into my personal life. What "Mr. X"
and I share is a loving, trustful bond,
unrestricted by the confines of "marriage," as you call it. That and a
Blockbuster movie card.
QWhat is your religion, Poperah?
Rev. Bill Frome, Tacoma,
Washington.
A Think of me as a spiritual buffet: a
portion of Christianity, a steaming
side order of Buddhism, and a healdiy
dose of humanism. [Editor's note: this
is also known as Bullshitism]
Q Poperah, how do you survive as a
black  woman   in   the   corporate
world?
Karen, Santa Monica, California.
A I crack walnuts at my seat during
board meetings and keep a 1301b
Doberman named Boozer beside me at
all times. She can be a real bitch!
Poperah,  will  you  ever  run  for
president?
Lois, Charleston, North Carolina.
You flatter me, whoever you are.
And perhaps yes, I do feel the
inkling to throw my large, floral tilly hat
into the political ring one of these days.
I ask questions and nod and listen with
such sincerity on my TV show that I'm
sure any sensible poHtical party would
be happy to have me on board. I've
been approached by no less than ten
organizations wanting me to be a candidate, notables including The Southern
Righteous Brothers Party, the
Demoncrats, and the Society for the
Independent Statehood of Adanta.
How do I choose?!
Poperah, what do you do to get rid
off spotty, blotchy rashes?
Ken, Lewiston, Maine.
Wrong magazine, assbag. You want
to write to my medical mag, Big O.
Or watch my upcoming film, "Poperah
goes to Medical School, While Rescuing
Orphans and Making Oven-Baked
Honey-Dipped Samosas." e
Poperah may or may not be a pancake mahip
encrusted cyborg designed by Harepop.
Worshipped ly millions of American housewives, Poprah is also admired by religious figures, including Jesus, Krishna, A.lfoh and Bono. Slara Mormon's
"There is a clear link between
great sex and confidence
//
The ability to forget about the cellulite on your, well,
-everywhere, is an essential part of having a good time.
It's widely published that men don't really notice cel-
;JftHte, anyhow, so just forget about the dimpling and
; start having fun.
However, if the constant reassurance of magazine
, ^surveys doesn't make you feel like a sex goddess, here
Vjdte some tips.
WHEN IN DOUBT, COVER UP. Don't like your stom-
;Jtach? Cover it with the bed sheets. Forgot to wax
>itecently? Wrap the quilt around your pelvis. In fact,
^there's nothing wrong with having sex completely
.jdothed. Pile on those sweaters and wear a long skirt.
Your significant other might complain about your lack
of accessibility, but you know your limits and s/he may
not want to have sex if you take it all off anyhow. You
can always tell her/him this is how sex is in Alaska—
he might think it's exotic!
GET COMFORTABLE WITH EXHIBITIONSIM. Walk
around naked with the curtains wide open, constantly.
Answer the door naked, too. Plus, if the mailman doesn't run away screaming at the sight of your saggy
breasts, your significant other certainly won't.
KNOW YOUR BODY. Reputed sex columnists recommend masturbation as a technique for getting comfortable with how your body works sexually, but let's face
it, that's gross. So, instead access your inner love goddess to rev your engine, and you can get it started without ever having to touch yourself.
GIVE GREAT HEAD: Chances are, if you give him a
great blowjob, he isn't going to notice your breasts are
slightly asymmetrical. So, get a banana, cucumber, carrot or another vegetable comparable to the size of
your member's member and practice away. And practicing can be nutritious to boot!
GET PROPS: Make a visit to your local porn store and
this time, don't pretend you're lost—actually go
inside. Buy whatever you think looks cool—whips,
corsets, feather boas, paddles, that cowgirl outfit
you've always wanted to try on. Be a rowdy cowgirl
or a nasty dominatrix—or a fluffy bunny!!—whatever floats your boat.
VOYEURISM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. How do you
know if you're normal in bed?  Well, that's simple—
watch other people have sex. For this you might need
to buy a ladder or a periscope. Mimic accordingly.
WORK THAT STUFF, IN THE MIRROR.   One of the
biggest keys to sexual confidence is breaking the
pattern of destructive thoughts. Whenever you feel
down on your ability to be sexual, seek out a mirror.
In bright red lipstick, write across the mirror something you like about yourself, sexually. For example,
in my mirror, I constantly write, "my breasts are
perky." In my ex-boyfriend's mirror, I wrote, "I'm
breaking up with you because you're too small. I'm
worth more than that." This simple act helped me to
realize my own sexual power.
Above all else, when seeking out sexual confidence,
remember that creativity is key. Whatever makes you feel
better about yourself is completely normal and healthy.
Except masturbation. That's still disgusting. •
APRIL    2005     5 P I pfft!
^I^V*
APRIL     2005
**A**?"
^"
! can hear the tinkle of the ice cream truck in the
alley. Should I just go ahead and and bust up my
piggy bank? Snooze, it was a gift from my dead
daddy. I feel bad even considering it, but I really
want a popsicle, and I don't see an alternative.
A How sad it is when we say we're going
to do something and then we don't
keep our word to others or to ourselves. I'm
sure your dead daddy would be heartbroken
to find that his pink ceramic legacy had been
thoughdessly shattered by an unchecked
sugar addiction. I hope you realize that you
aren't just thumbing your nose at your dead
daddy. Because you're thumbing your nose
at yourself, too. And it looks heinous from
this angle. Listen, friend, you have made it
through the hardest passage in life: the death
of your daddy. Money will come and go;
time and a firm belief in vour self-worth are
irreplaceable. Before you go and smash that
poor piggy, imagine yourself greedily fellat-
ing a frozen treat, the sticky juices running
down your neck and staining your brassiere,
and then ask yourself who the pig really is. If
you think long and hard about your dead
daddv, I think vou'll remember that your
papa was no common hog, and if he'd
known you were going to grow up to be a
pig he would have petitioned for an
abortion.
QCan you settle a bet for me and my sister-in-law?  I think people are poor
because they're lazy. But she seems to think
it has something to do with a person's
innards. "There's nothing you can do about a
bad egg," she always says, but I think beggars just need a swift kick in the junk and
gosh, you can always toss a bad egg into an
omelette, and nobody ever even notices until
the next day! There's a lobster lunch riding on
this, Snooze. What's your call?
Unfortunately, both you and your sis-
ter-and-law will be treating me to an
oceanic delicacy in the near future. Both
of   your  assessments   are  predicated
f|l upon the erroneous premise that these
sorry individuals are in fact people at all.
A
«i
I prefer to think of the poor as erratic trans-
human metal detectors that rob me of my
bottle deposits.
Ql just recieved a letter from Ed McMahon
in the mailbox. Gosh Snooze, it seems I'm
Red Deer's newest multi-millionaire. How can I
make sure I stay true to myself? I don't want
money to change my life. I'm afraid there's
going to be a popular revolution in my sewing
circle. Estelle has been eyeing my new needles,
and l think Bernice was a Red back in her college days.
A Listen, I could tell you that I put my stirrup pants on one leg at a time just like
everybody else, but the truth is that I have
two migrant workers to do that for me. I
could also tell you that I still have to make
time for 'number 1' and 'number 2' just like
everybody else, but I'd be lying about that
also. I don't actually have bowels. Or a
heart—both were replaced with high-tech
circuitry. Reader, you need courage. Not just
the courage to be rich, but the courage to be
a total douchebag about your wealth. You
march right up those church stairs and tell
Estelle that the only way she's getting her
wrinkly paws on your needles is over your
dead, acupunctured body. And if you do
start to feel those tinges of guilt again, just
repeat after me: "I am a successful adult, and
I'm worth every penny I charge." Mmm,
doesn't that feel so good.
QWhy do you look, talk, speak, and walk like
Satan? And is your tan really the product of
generous exposure to hellfire?
A I got this great tan with Poperah in
Jamaica! And although I have major
problems with J.C. spazzing out over the
moneylenders in the temple, I'm a good
Christian gal. Christ on a cross, what is
wrong with you goddamned people! Most of
you half-wits couldn't fill out a check without my help. Only when you can accept that
we're not on an equal footing can we achieve
a terrific level of financial intimacy. Until
then, fuck you and fuck your dead daddy. • Happiness isn't about now you look, unless you're fan
, \rrv. ; hpco tr\ !n<:o 'A/Piahf -fact   fatt\/  Ap'l VO! ( won't
by eating those pork nntis. To help yourself stay
ie tracK to anorexia, find tne busiest place you can
possibly find ana ponder the following:
Where the fuck are your pants? Your never going to get
your ass to the gym without them. While your at h, make
a list of foods you're going to stuff into your mouth at
4am when you fall off your diet.
it, i
1 * ~ * Tff }rn ^«" ^ % ^
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V*>
if
l •*   *«&t -"ft ^k^ ft
■v¥,\. .A*"Tf* t^^ i
What are you doing to help the needy? $25,000 In student loans is nothing. Think about the kids in 'Bama. List
three ways you can ignore the focal homeless while try-
ina to o.et to the post office to send a cheque io Dr. Phil
for Vne ooor fat kids in Elgin.
H
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u
O
Gettin
$$
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^^This is your new id^M the office, as it
? were. Your EconottGttC^idegree and mail-
in MBA from th^^|da Gaming and
Bidness Commiss|j|||§fye equipped you
with the tools to |^^^|e the corporate
forest. But, there a|lj|||§pators out there.
The long work^p||ack of incentive
and motivation, tiff^Hpsal of the mail
guy to place youriUJJjige on the desk
rather than hurlin§J^|H your feet. And
don't forget the sc<||ttgJyou received for
using the handic|jjp||| washroom on
Wednesday |||l||§,.
It isn't easy, b|iiiiJWilii||Ways of
steering to success in the business world,
and deftly becoming the office guru.
Step aboard.
Dress and appearance:
A person well-coiffed is a person who
looks like they know what they're doing.
Remember, I said looks. Forget the inner
beauty  crap.  Appearance  counts   for
everything.
Gents, reconsider your hair if the top
of your head resembles a spider grasping
a large egg. I recommend imported Irish
tweed with a cotton/wool blend for the
socks.
Ladies, yellow is the new pink, so give
'er! Little tassles on the shoes score
points with the water cooler folks. And
don't forget a nice, signature scent. Who
has ever gone wrong with English
Leather or Loose for Biznatch?
Posture:
Sure, you may be only 5' 2" with your
Bruno Malis on, but you can still walk
proud. Lean forward a lot and mumble
ahead
Yeah right just hang on
^'occasionally. Gals, three times a day in
the hallway, try to touch your elbows
behind your back. Always have a piece of
paper in hand and run your finger down
it constantly. Who's going to interrupt
you with questions about errant expense
accounts now, Donald?
Your Desk:
Your cubicle/closet is your sanctuary, a
place of refuge. Therefore, do not clutter it up with a snowglobe and troll doll,
for godsake! Keep family photos to a
minimum (someone may suspect you
have a life outside the office) and leave
room for two INBOX trays. Post-it
notes are a must, but a personal
microwave, chin-up bar or wine rack may
be frowned upon. Bobble-heads are
inappropriate, regardless of religious significance. Particularly Wikkah, which
tend to be interpreted as Hallowe'en decorations.
Monday morning gifts:
Nothing says "I'm new and am desperate to fit in" more than a box of Boston
Cremes and a litre of Mr. Pibb for the
staff. Update the sucking-up! Try a
scrumptious fruit and/or veggie plate
(extra points for radish flowers). Or get
exotic and bring Naan bread and curry
dip for that 2pm snack for all.
Remember, fondue is always dangerous
(secretaries rarely appreciate a vat of
boiling oil in their lap. If they do, find a
new office pronto.)
Bathroom procedures:
Like Maude Flanders said to her home
Words to live by
"Stop, drop, shut 'em down open up shop. Oh,
no, thaf s how Ruff Ryders roll."
bathroom attendants, "Just wash your
hands and get out!" Conversations of
more than ten words are taboo, as is the
groan after you've had to hold it in for a
long while. And if you're gassy, take it
outside. That's not what the bathroom is
for. Fuss with your hair for only a
moment, and guys, if you've checked it
once, there's no need to check again if
your fly is open as you're walking out the
door in plain view of the lobby. Be suspicious of anyone heading for the loo
carrying a thermos.
Boardroom etiquette:
The final frontier, where your ideas will
be banished to the scrap bucket like an
inflamed appendix. But, rest assured, you
can cushion the blow. First, farting in the
big room is very out, and wind-up novelty penises on the table should only be
used as a source of humour on Fridays
after 1pm. It's better to lean in and furrow your brow during a power-point
presentation than to lean back, fold your
hands and inflate your cheeks.
Bottled water is a must, rather than a
jumbo Diet Dr. Pepper which left a nasty
stain on the Tibetan rug that one afternoon when you pounded the desk with
your hand in defiance of the "everything
in pen" rule.
So there you have it Follow these
simple steps to success and middle-of-
the-road expectations in Corporateland.
Ta!*
New poems by Maya Angelou
l Know Why the Seagull Files
Rise rise rise
The bird is in the skies
It flies flies flies
Until it sees my fries
And the rich rhyming vein of ies.
Passing Time
Your skin like red things in the
morning
When sailors take warning.
Mine like a greasy secretion.
With a powerful odor, produced
in a Glandular sac beneath the
Skin of the abdomen of the
male
Musk deer and used in the
Manufacture of perfumes
One paints the beginning of the
day
The other, the end of a roll in
the hay
Phenomenal Bird
The free bird floats
Breasts like wings
Legs like boats
Arms like things
voice like goats
Beauty she sings
in rising notes
The roof
The roof
The roof is on fire
APRIL    2005 Spencer Sleaze's
in spite of the
intellect absentia
state of student
government the
Doesn't Matter
Society President
finally found
what he needed
to recognise
his inner utter
wank.
Moment
I HAE> HNALLY MADE IT AFTER FOUR UNSUCCESS-
ful campaigns, the voting public of my university had realized the
error off their wavs and had voted me in as a student council
executive. And not just any old vice-president either. I was the
head cheese, the cock of the walk, at long last, the President of
the Doesn^t Matter Society.
This is what I had been meticulously preparing for since elementaryyschool. Resume padding is a delicate art. One has to
avoid looking like a complete fake with scads of experience in
every realm imaginable, while at the same time looking like a
well-rotiti<ied, committed leader. Let's just say that I mastered the
craft. Advisory councils, athletics committees, a God-like status
on the debate circuit.
Ahh, debate. Nowhere else can you substitute
bombast and mudslinging for critical thought
and actual facts. I love every minute that I
spend arguing meaninglessly for personal
pleasure. Now where was I?
Oh yes. I was kicking back in my new
Presidential office, listening to my iTunes
and putting the final touches on a new
proposal  to  improve  accountability
and global citizenship in the Doesn't
Matter Society. I was just about to
masturbate over my latest piece de
resistance when the first strains of
"Karma Chameleon" fluttered from
my speakers.
I was bobbing my head along to
the   catchy   beat   when   these   lyrics
stopped me cold. "I'm a man without
conviction/ I'm a man who doesn't know/
How to sell a contradiction/you come and go, you come
and go."
The song was speaking directly to me. The lyrical genius
of Boy George saw right into the darkest corners of my
soul. I quickly pressed repeat and listened again, and again.
Six hours later, I emerged from the building in a daze. It
hit me like an avalanche of insurmountable student debt. I
wasn't the paragon of student leadership or a role model for
political hacks everywhere. I was a self-serving, smarmy tool.
The past three years of my life had been defined by my
endless quest for power. Now that I had it, I saw that my
unstoppable desires had corrupted my inner being to the
point that I was that man without conviction.
It was a painful moment. A solitary tear meandered its
way down my cheek.
It took the brain-numbing chorus of a Culture Club classic to crack the veneer of self-congratulation that had surrounded my consciousness. I tucked my favourite scarf
into my coat and faced the future.
Not as Spencer Sleaze: DMS President, but as Spencer
Sleaze: total wanker, but at last self-recognisably so. «
APRIL     2005 P i tell it like it is (in Texas)
PILL C. MCGRRR, PhD,
on back
hair...leaky
douchebags...
and impassive
garden
gnomes.
fioi
litis
10     AfttftZHeti^r
*
\WWNrfri*ki
I just met the perfect man for me. He is
kind and funny and he smells nice. We
have been dating for six weeks and we want
to take our relationship to the next level, but
there is one serious problem—I am repulsed by
his freakish amount of back hair. Dr. Pill, it
resembles a bad shag carpet pattern from the
1970s. How can i get over this?
a This is a complex issue. The first step is
/"*"% to start to build a to-do list for unravelling the problem. Don't suffer in silence—
confront the issue. Clearly, vou have a back
hair phobia. I frequently counsel people with
similar problems and I feel the best approach
is to share with you an anecdote about my
own experience with back hair.
When I was first married to my lovely wife
Robbin', she felt that I did not have enough
back hair. She wanted more to hold onto
when we were in bed. To remedy the problem, I had the hair from my head surgically
implanted onto my back. Now my wife is
happy. And I am bald. The point is that relationships are all about compromise, finding that perfect balance.
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
back hair is sexy, not problematic. What I'm
telling you is that overcoming your phobia
will not be easy—it may require some powerful medications and intense electroshock
therapy—but you have the power to be
your own person  and regain
control of your life.
As     a     side     note,
encourage your hirsute
mate to replace his current internal dialogue
with   sexually  confi-
dent  messages   like:
Tm happy. I'm fabulous.
I've got it. I'm beautiful.
I'm hairy, dammit. Tape
it to the mirror! (The
dialogue, not the hair.)
When my husband and I
argue, he sometimes
calls me an ass-munch, a monkey's uncle, and sometimes even
a dirty Frenchman. He doesn't
understand why ! get so upset
when he does this. He says he
doesn't mean it, he just doesn't
ffsi!
know how else to get through to me. Am I
being too dramatic when I get furious about
the name-calling?
A Make no mistake, his behaviour is completely inappropriate. You have to show
him that two can play that game. Enlist yourself in the cause and confront him with even
cruder names. For example, leaky douchebag is
one of my favourites (that's what I call my
lovely wife Robbin' when we are fighting).
Other good ones include ugly wanker and filthy
crack ho'. Or can you always haul out a trusted
classic like fuckface. This exercise will let him
know that if he acts inappropriately and disrupts your life, you will disrupt his.
If you feel you can't defend yourself against
his insults, you need to ask yourself why. Are
you so insecure that you can't distinguish
between yourself and a dirty Frenchman? If so,
you may have multiple personality disorder
(note: I am not actually qualified to diagnose
psychiatric disorders, but once I calmed down
a crazy guy on the subway).
f\ My neighbour has a collection of about
\ȣ 800 garden gnomes. Every night I dream
about destroying them by burning their little
faces and pulling off their arms and legs. What
is wrong with me?
Your animosity toward helpless statuettes tells me that you might have the
tendencies of a serial killer. Do everything
you can to find a way to mitigate this unacceptable situation, even if that means institutionalising yourself. It is important not to be
judgmental about what you discover—what
matters is that you discover it.
Program the situation. Put yourself at the
top of the priority list. Be ready, willing and
able to be a better person. Remember that
you are worth it! In life, you must be able to
look at yourself in the mirror and say, Now I
can move ahead with peace in my heart. Don't suffer in silence—confront the issue. Oops, I
already used that one today, m
Pill C. McGrrr, PhD, hosts a daily television show, Dr.
Pill, and his most recent book is Anecdotes From My
Fantastic Life and How Your Life Can Be Just As
Fantastic As Mine. Have a question for Dr. Pill? Don't
bother sending it:your problems are tiivialandwe write the
questions ourselves for maximum pick-up. Also, he's not
actually a doctor. Oops. Our bad. •
«»
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Igardi,
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ft-jtitf
&*G P \ coco holic
We, unaccustomed to
being touched by
angels, do not stop to
consider the emotions
of the diings, however
everyday and dented,
that surround us.
Poperah encourages
you to stop and listen
to dieir secret,
whispering voices.
Listen...lis ten.
iects
x£*4*r*
Only to be emptied. Only to be sucked dry. Only to be
.    s "    S   ,%<r'
;yf^||rms to push with, no mouth to blow with. In this liquid
>n of assertive drink receptacles—jugs, bottles, flasks,
iters, jars, beakers, canteens, tins, test tubes, and those monoid magnets for small can envy, kegs—my thoughts and feelings
by so unacknowledged, so unheard, that I often forget that
f exist at all. When a pop can cries out against an undergradu-
slurping sorority-tit trained lips, does anyone hear its plea?
^/ryr answer is no. Allow me to repeat that adament, emotionally-
^p|ifged, self-assertive clarity: N-O. The only truth in life is that
P^y^yone just wants to be loved. Am I not also deserving of love?
£fi§jfou prick me, do I not fizz? If you dent me in the shopping
*|ji§, do I not come half price? If you forget me, do I...altight,
5;|j|p£r mind, Shylock did it better. Oh, and those fucking Pepsi
t tests? Get some taste, you worthless ingrates. literally. • ;5&i
•**?*■
Imerview
»     '?"-'?•>:;«/
■^
&>m I MET UP WITH MARTA AT HER
exclusive ranch on the UBC campus and
right from the moment we shook hands, I
knew that she was a special gal. As the
president of the University of British
Columbia in Vancouver, she is one of the
most powerful women in Canada, an outstanding role model to a generation of
female university students just waiting to
realise that they are but caged birds needing to be freed.
Marta was wearing a comfortable but
fashionable pant suit, her short hair and
bright smile shining with equal fervour in
the coastal sunshine, and was warm but
modest in our conversation (margaritas!
quesadillas!) that followed. We chatted like
life-long best friends reunited after a tragic
boating accident on the open sea, and
leaned intensely towards each other on
several occasions, only twice of those for
the benefit of the hovering photographer.
Marta, all class and no nonsense. And,
finally, finally, she answers the question as
to the true identity of Bort. Many have
asked when strolling through the forest-
bounded campus of UBC, "Who is Marta
Pipper?" Well, the girl has some sense and
some style to boot. Another margarita,
please!
POPERAH: Hey girl!
MARTA: Hello there, Poperah.
POPERAH: Why so formal, President Pipper?
Let's kick up our heels, just tivo overpaid
female role models re/axin' in the sunshine. I've
got enough margaritas, quesadillas, and polysyllabic eats ending in -i-consonanl-as to last us 'til
Stedman calls me home to roost!
MARTA: Sounds like an optimal schedule
suggestion, Poperah.
POPERAH: Ah, this reminds me of the time I
interviewed Stevie Wonder, Maya Angelou and
Bill Cosby and we all talked about how it feels
to be excellent despite the obstacles presented by
systemic racism! It was so sunny that day, I felt
like I was a kid again.
MARTA: Once I shook hands with the
Dalai Lama beside some big flowers...
POPERAH: I really believe—I've always believed,
ever since I overcame the terrifying but ultimately
spirit-giving obstacles of my difficult early childhood, which produced several volumes worth of
work in my spirit journal—that being a strong
woman is all about embracing yourself for what
you are, loving yourself for your flaws and not
in spite of them. Girl, I know you have some
flaws. We all do. What would you consider the
greatest obstacles in your heart that you have
had to overcome?
MARTA: Being President of UBC has
presented me with some of the greatest
challenges of my life. I interact and
converse with several Vice Presidents,
listen to the input of thousands of students, who I sometimes have over for
breakfast, and drive my shiny silver car
through campus on a regular basis,
sometimes once a month, except on
those dubious backroads around the
Math department. But I think the time
that I had to reach farthest into myself
was in the sixth grade when Tommy
Schulz stole my Gandhi lunchbox.
POPERAH: How did you react to that?
MARTA: I took him aside and told him,
Above, from left: Marta proving the maxim
that flipper babies have more fun; Right:
Marta em-pha-si-sing a key point, or directing
traffic at an alumni rollerderby.
as sanctimoniously as possible, "Now,
Tommy, I know that you don't read very
many books and you don't really know
who Gandhi is, but one day I'll be the
President of a big University and you
stealing my lunchbox won't matter
because I'll be able to get your social
security number from a big computer
and make your finances very complicated for you, given the fact that you won't
have an Ivy league trained accountant
like me." And he started to cry and gave
the lunchbox back.
POPERAH: Was that an Ah-ha! moment for
you?
MARTA:  Absolutely, Poperah.  And, no,
you aren't going to make me say "Ah-ha."
POPERAH: Marta,   Marta,   Marta.   Have
another margarita. Now rest your head on my
lap. Yeah, that's right, just like that. Marta, do
you ever find it difficult to be such an intelligent,
self-motivated woman in this world of leeching,
self-congratulatory men?
MARTA: Oh, Poperah, yes. Sometimes it is
so difficult. That's why I have this ranch,
you see, right on campus. The students
don't know it's here because of the false
house-front. This ranch is my refuge.
POPERAH: Greatness is a burden, isn't it?
MARTA: Decidedly so, Poperah.
POPERAH: If that why you're so happy that
you have Bort to help you through?
MARTA: Nice segue, Poperah.
POPERAH: Thank-you.
MARTA: Well, yes, Bort is very important
to  me.   It  seems   to  be  a  widespread
assumption at UBC that Bort is some kind
of imaginary friend, fictional companion,
>   **■>-*     #Z*-iA ^p-VS
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k; *&<i <<' /^^<^'■**?Z^t^^M
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was  the  one who  suffered with  self- POPERAH: Wow, Marta. You blow me away
esteem  from  being  the  less  mentally with your demonstrations of empathy through
able of the two of us. Now he hves in passionate rhetoric, while managing to retnain
the   basement   of   my   secret   campus ultimately sanctimonious! I thought that only I
band who no one ever seems to see and who
might in fact live in a suitcase under your bed?
MARTA: Well, Poperah, the truth is that
I'm going to be president of U of T.
[/yh|Ah^
or just a device to liven up my otherwise
heartbreakingly dull and cliched motivational speeches at the Imagine UBC rally.
But, truth be told, Bort is...
POPERAH: Yes?
MARTA: I'm just not sure I'm ready to tell
you this, Poperah.
POPERAH: It's okay, Marta. This is just
between you and me, and the millions of readers of this magazine. It's a safe, private, overly-
commercialised space. No need to be afraid.
MARTA: Okay. Bort is my twin brother.
While we were growing up I was always
the intellectually dominant twin and he
ranch and licks envelopes for rejection
letters to international students who
can't make the cut of our ludicrously
enormous fees. But the guilt of our
childhood together, when I beat him at
every math test and humiliated him by
calculating the angular momentum of
tennis balls and yelling out "Bort is a
dummy! Bort is a dummy!" still remains
with me always. That's why I take care
to mention him in my speeches. I feel
that the mysteriousness of the mentions also add to the Bort's forever-elusive self-esteem.
could master that. But in you, I have truly met
my match!
MARTA: I love you, Poperah.
POPERAH:/ love you too, Marta. And just
because I've told that to 1,233 celebrities and
other individuals of communally-prescribed status, doesn 't mean that it isn't sincere.
MARTA: That is much appreciated.
POPERAH: Now, everyone's just dying to know,
what are you planning to do after you leave
UBC next June? Nine years at the same university, in the same hidden ranch, riding the
same ghetto math campus backroads...what's
next for Marta, Bort, and your mysterious hus-
POPERAH: Really?
MARTA: No, just kidding. Ha ha. I'm going
to run for political clout in the Liberal
party.
POPERAH: Really?
MARTA: No, just kidding.
POPERAH: Oh, Marta,you're such a tease. I
love you, girl.
MARTA: I love you too. But not really.
POPERAH: Yeah, me neither. Got your glass
filled?
MARTA: Affirmative, Poperah.
POPERAH: A toast. To sanctimony!
MARTA: To sanctimony! ®
14
APRIL     2005
APRIL     2005     15 Poperah
"Live vicariously through the eyes of a debilitated drug addict. Viagra not included. Limp
dick is."
(Mask, $9, www.mtv.com)
Stealing
from the
poor
"Provide sustenance
for children in third
world countries or
do what you've
been doing since
you were eight-
reinvest the money
by purchasing a ten
sac." {Unicef Box, $13,
courtesy of Unicef)
!C*iMc*As
\ -
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i|jMii<ifi>W\<H<5^mHyB^*
Pleasant
urprise
ri£*W.2&-^&WU&saS
fs^^iS^^&VMiC!
:Golde|l|j|l|^
16      APRIL    2005 Mug Mania
"what's more perfect,
you pour boiling hot coffee into
your mug and the handle breaks off. Who
needed that white cashmere Armani sweater
anyway? With unreliable
merchandise like this,
you can live on the wild
side!"
(Cup, $12,
www.Starbucks.com)
ih'A-A,
''"A-
QliHa nn fh/c
The
glory
glass
"Sleek sensibility, i don't think
there's any item
l use more than
my beaker at
home. I use it
when 1 cook, I
put flowers in it,
and stedman
sometimes fires
his load into it
when i can't
swallow." Beaker,
$2, www
.beaker.com)
"I love things that are aged, used elegance is how I'd describe this mouse
pad. The stains and tears give It character
and it just screams, "I'm still a mouse pad
worth being rubbed by a mouse evert
though l may not be In the best shape."
l see myself in this mouse pad."
(Mousepad, $39, www.crapper.ca) ADVERTISEMENT
P i Iks
.) M-ih
U
www.maxgalleries.com/
stars/muniz/munizjndex.htm
it's not magic, it's Frankie Muniz. which is kind of like magic
but not. Gold frame pics! Site counter that tracks visitors!
Pics with yellow backgrounds! And that dog movie! Find out
why he's America's most popular choice.
wvwv.nobscan.com
Introducing penises! A new body care collection that combines performance with luxury. Specifically activated
weblinks give you the penis experience like never before.
Leaves every inch of you softer, smoother, deeply satisfied.
nobscan.com
www.drphil.com
Want to learn how you're destroying your children's potential and any wild hope at happiness without your awareness? Dr. Pill will enlighten you. Join the message boards to
interrogate the pros and cons of informing your family
members of all that's wrong with their lives with likemind-
ed meddlers from across the country (read: Texas).
www.rudepundit.blogspot.com
"Here's one of those things that you read that makes you
wanna live in a basement and scrawl manifestos on the
walls with your own shit." Be thankful that you don't live in
America.
How has
positive thinkin
changed your liBb?
Jermaine
Jackson
I'm die greasiest
motherfucker
you'll ever know.
The only way 1
can control my
over perspiring
oil glands is by
using feminine
napkins to blot it.
My jheri curls are
luscious and lubricated. But one day while I was
walking down the street, a power line fell. It struck
my hair and it caught on fire. The result? I lost everything. I didn't onlv lose my hair in die fire, I lost my
pride, dignity and self-worth. 1 also had to deal widi
die failure of mv career. People don't know but I'm
an artist. I'm a godamn arteest.
But I'm a (ackson, and we never give up. I've
found salvation from my brother Michael. He gives
me hope and sanity. I've decided to get back on the
horse and I 've been working on my new CD, which
is due to come out this fall. It's called / be back, audi
be black. Me loves me again!
LL COOl J
Yah,  you be  seein'
me in all dose flicks
likes,  like  the J-Lo
video,     Hallowe'en
H20 and Roller ball.
My    potential    be
superior   to   yours.
But then I be caught
sleepin'     wit     my
momma. Then I be
all caught up in Jaw-
suits, now I be broke. So I comes out wit a new CD, yo.
Here check out this verse from my new upcoming LP.
"I be a douchebag, I be sleepin' wit yo' old hag,
biatch."
"I be lickin' my lips, all up on yo' sn-"
"I be like Kfraft Dinna', yo' favourite macaroni
and cheese dinna'"
"And vou be needing a slap, cuz you be hoein
and givin' me da clap"
"Cuz  u  like  a  sinna',  you  like  last Thursday
nights dinna'"
"Yo peace man, I'm out."
I be lovin' myself!
www.beer.com
Just when you thought beer couldn't get any better.
Beer.com brings you more sexual exploitation of women.
And sports. Ride me big boy. Ride me.
www.ratemypoo.com
L-ver taken a really good shit and just wanted to tell someone about it? it's not as taboo as it used to be. upload your
own turd sensations or just view other poo-monials. Poo
maggots anyone?
-TMRB&-
www.pslgroup.com/dg/34ea6.htm
Strep throat and anexoria, a true story. No really.
J-LO
Bottling my own
perspiration and
selling it as a perfume has been
the most postive
thing I've ever
done.
Jessica
Simpson
I knew my life was
falling apart when
one day I shot
myself after mistakenly gra-bbing
what 1 thought was
Nick's dong. Jt was
actually a gun. It
was so embarrassing. Next time he could just hand it to me. I didn't
know what to do! It was so awful. So I went to the
mall and bought a new pair of Louis Vuitton sandals. I like, love myself again.
18
APRIL     2005 mttf!4t
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"^r^i Mein Kampf
BY ADOLF HITLER
My uncle gave me this book for my eighteenth birthday. It took me over a year
before I actually picked it up and read it,
but when I did, I couldn't put it down.
Literally! Someone spread epoxy all over
the cover. I have to warn you, though,
some of his politics seem a bit off.
Death to Dust: What Happens to
Dead Bodies?
BY KENNETH V. ISERSON, MD
If it wasn't for this book, I never would
have appended my will with a section
detailing how my bod}^ is to be embalmed
after my death.
Justine, Philosophy in the
Bedroom, and other writings
BY MARQUIS DE SADE
De Sade's lucid prose gave me the courage
to finally shed the shackles of conventional morality and embrace my perverse para-
phelia.
The State and Revolution:
Marxist Teaching on the State
and the Task of the Proletariat
in the Revolution
BY V.I. LENIN
Need I say more? With a winning title like
this, how can it miss?
If We Can Keep a Severed
Head Alive
BY "CHET FLEMING" (PSEUD)
This is the first book I ever read that
JULIANE MARGUFLE/VS
Bookshelf
made me feel as though my intense
desire to steal Michael Jackson's head
deserved validation and was somehow
acceptable in creepy anonymous lit culture. I owe a thousand thanks to Mr.
Fleming.
The Book of the Penis
BY MAGGIE PALEY
This book is truly touching. In all the right
places. Oh baby.
Claudia and the Phantom
Phone Calls
BY ANN M.MARTIN
This one time, I was staying home all by
myself and the phone kept ringing, but
there was no one on the line when I picked
it up. It was so spooky! I can totally relate
to Claudia.
Communist Manifesto
BY KARL MARX AND FREDERICK ENGELS
Whenever I am going through an awkward or difficult time in my life, I buy a
copy of this book and it reminds me
that capitalism is evil. Even though capitalism has served me well, it's nice to
relax with a glass of lemonade and this
book on a sunny day and think about an
ideal socialist society where I would be
paid the same as a chimneysweep. Ha
ha. Wouldn't it be nice.
The Secret in the Old Attic
BY CAROLYNE KEENE
My favourite Nancy Drew book.
A Picture Perfect Prom
BY FRANCINE PASCAL
Reading this book helped me to realize
how important it is to be good-looking
and popular. Good thing I'm the best at
both those things in America.
On Guerilla Warfare
BY MAO ZEDONG
This is my favourite guerrilla-related book
of all time, even more so than Congo. And
a much more far-ranging vocabulary than
Jane GoodalTs memoirs.
Confessions of an Heiress
BY PARIS HILTON
Paris Hilton is so good-looking and popular, but can still string together sentences
with only the help of a skilled ghost writer.
This book has been such an important
part of my life. It has inspired me to do so
much good.
The Leftist ESP Conspiracy
BY NINO M. VOLPE
I...love...this...book....Must...buy...more	
copies .... Gay.. .marriage.. .is... constitutional.
The Controllers
BY COMMANDER X
Commander X's brilliant masterpiece
about the aliens that are impregnating our
housewives and brainwashing us with
mind-controlling microwaves is a humbling and sobering read. It taught me a lot
about the state of my heart and mind. • The Hype, the Hope, the Bottom Line
mi
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THERE'S NO SHAME IN BUBBLE
tea. But what is it that fascinates people
so? Is it the overwhelming smorgasbord of favours and assortment of
teas? Is there nothing one can do about
a perverse addiction to tiny balls made
of tapioca? Are we all just tiny tapioca
balls ourselves, trapped in a fruity concoction of sin and squalor waiting to
be sucked dry by some fat cat in
Congress? Not by a long shot. Little Lu
Tango cuts through the nonsense and
sizes up the latest treatments for this
addiction. You ain't whipped—you just
like the sting!
Doctors have only recently
acknowledged this blotty stain on the
otherwise pristine medical labcoat,
classifying Bubble Tea Syndrome
(BS) as a diagnosable condition that
demands immediate treatment. But
what is it exactly that makes some of
us crave it so?
It creeps up on people, says Louis
Bankee, MD, director of the Center for
Beverage Overdose on Uncommon
Beverages in Mount Tap, New York.
"There's no medical reason for its existence. BS isn't caused by living in
Richmond. And all the rumors about
hoity-toity Vancouver exacerbating the
problem —it's BS, I say!"
Here's a guide through the maze
of lures and enticements. But keep in
mind that while you may now be able
to identify the signs and roots of the
obsession, nothing has been proven to
eliminate it entirely. Before continuing
to read this, you may want to ask: Are
you ready to learn the overwhelming
truth of the bubble tea syndrome?
Caveat emptor!
Signs of BS
The signs are subtle, but believe you
me, they are there and they will bring
the pain. If you find yourself referring
to the beverage as "bbt", you may want
to start admitting to your newfound
obsession. Other nicknames such as
"pearl drink" or "my saviour" or "MY
DRINKZNIT, YOU ILL THANG"
are the first signs of a problem.
Another aspect that may concern yourself or others developing
BS is the pants-wetting obsession
with those darn balls. When you find
yourself mulling over a tall drink,
assessing the quality of the balls
you're slurpin', this can simply indicate a fast-adorning affinity for balls
that are plump and shapely. But manually inspecting the quality of both
your balls and the balls of friends and
colleagues will only alienate others.
Spending hours deliberating over
the different types of balls that one can
put on one's mouth isn't healthy for
anyone; nobody benefits from an
unfair obsession with size and texture.
But bypassing the balls altogether can't
free you from the paralyzing embrace
of BS. A potential patient of BS may
skip the balls entirely but slobber
uncontrollably over coconut jelly,
flavoured pudding, lychee meat, or a
simple teabaggin' for two.
Taming BS
Keep in mind that you need to start
with small steps. You need to tell yourself that you do not need bubble tea. It
does not consume your soul. It is merely another drink that you can drink
occasionally with friends and relatives.
And then you need to read these 5
steps to help you reach a point of solace. A point of p'O, if you will.
STEP 1: Shout out to the heavens, "I
LOVE BUBBLE TEA." There. You
have acknowledged that fact, and given
props to G.O.D. Remember, he giveth
the Balls and he taketh the Balls also.
STEP 2: Pack your bag with only the
bare essentials—no drinks containing
any ingredients that could tempt you to
make your own bubble tea. But hard
liquor? Pack it at the bottom with the
drugs.
STEP 3: Read Maya Angelou for inspirational support (refer to page 8 for
poems). The Tapioca Ball Cries Out to
Us  Today may particularly resonate
with the target audience.
STEP 4: Begin your journey. Go to a
place high above ground so that the
heavens can guide you along the path
of self-independence from bubble tea.
STEP 5". Dig deep into your soul to find
the root of your problem. Let it go.
And don't stop searching until you feel
an epiphany arise within yourself, until
your cup runneth over.
BS may not have a cure but the steps
listed here provide a way to contain it.
Bubble tea will always be a part of your
life—just like a recovering alcoholic is
still allowed to have a shot of Bourbon
once in a while. #
John Kerry's ^51
'■fete
■■■■' 2 bowls -.-.
1woifflensptt
2'cupswhiteflqur \
1 ciip buckwheat flour f
itbsp sunflower oil
1 tsp, vanilla extract
■:2AeggsiffAf-::.;y:y:/y^
2 cups 2% milk
Mix flour arid baking powder
into one bo\A/i.P6ufmilk, oil,
vanilla extract and ^gg contents
Into other bowl. Stir Ad
liquid contents: MiX. Scoop and
place in pan to make two pancakes Substitute the pancakes
for irnportant issues and fIip
them over each time you alter
your stance on an issue. Lose a
crucial U.s: election.
APRIL     2005     21 HOME:
DOES THE STATE OF
your living space keep you up
at night? No problem—the
key to embracing your spirit
and fulfilling your dreams
rests solely in your ability to
decorate, macrame, cut and
paste and claim your living
space as your own. Sad?
Cover your despair with an
attractive throw cushion.
Frustrated? A nice lace-edged
curtain can fix that up in a
jiffy. No matter where you
live, decorating your space is
guaranteed to maximize your
utility of happiness, pump up
your spirit level and put the
Ah-Ha! in your happiness litmus result.
If you live on a farm, why
not add an interior irrigation
system to your living room?
The soothing sound of water
will calm your soul. Every
minute spent in your home will
be accompanied by the cleansing sound of drip, drip, drip.
Interior irrigation systems will
add a city-like spa rejuvenation
feature to your country home.
The time spent cleaning the
accumulated resulting mildew
and mould from your carpet
will only bring you closer to
Mother Nature.
However, if vou lack suffi-
cient structural accommodation and find yourself living
outdoors in your home city or
town, go ahead and beautify
your space an)way. Begin with
a simple act. Sweep every
square inch of the section of
street you claim as your own.
Be proud of your litter and
dust free corner. Others will
notice and in turn they will be
proud of you, which may
result in increased spare-
change revenue. After all, as
readers of Poperah magazine
well know, there aren't no
troubles you can have that a
cute throw cushion won't cure.
You may have been using
the same shopping basket as
living-out-of all round tool for
years. Hey, if that's your style,
then more power to you, girl.
Make your shopping cart
beautiful. Polish that grid of
bars. Scrape off that Safeways
logo and pencil in your own
name, or the name of your
favourite author, inspiring his
torical figure or daytime TV
host (hint hint). And why
should garbage bags be limited
to the job of just holding your
belongings? Instead, fold and
stack your stuff in your shopping cart and break out that
garbage bag as an attractive
plastic shawl. Or tie it to your
handlebars and let it fly—flag
down some friendfy bypassers
(and passers-by)!
But don't stop there. Who
says recycled pop cans can't be
strung together into beautiful
linked chains of clinking ornamentation?
Remember, home decor is
for everyone and your home
states everything about you.
If your home is not properly
decorated and properly maintained (whatever type of
home it may be) then you are
not living the true and fulfilling existence of your destiny.
This is what Poperah magazine is here for—to help you
improve your life in superficial ways, despite your place in
life. Harsh social realities, pish
tosh. Somebody put a margarita in that ol' soup can...it's
bumming me out. ®
13   Fledgling Student Government
O
5 socialist hippies
6 oz. innaccountability
1 council chamber
5 tbsp. of the following buzzwords: "sustainability," "global citizenship," "systemic
(anything)," and "interdisciplinary."
2 lbs. bullshit
1 major scandal
4 cups overzealous campus newspaper
1 passionate profile in an inferior campus
newspaper
To start, mix in the socialist hippies, the passionate profile and the council chamber, simmer. This
will serve as your base.
Continue simmering until the hippies are
slightly brown, steadily adding the unacountabil-
ity as the year goes on.
In a separate dish, combine the various buzz
words and the bullshit.
About half-way through the year, add the
scandal. This may cause the mixture to boil-
quickly adding the overzealous campus newspaper should reduce the chances of reprimand.
To finish, combine the buzzword mixture and
voila, you have yourself a fledgling student government. Serves: 38,000 students
Robocop's Cyborg stew
2 L axle grease
1 L Castrol GTX oil
2 Energizer(tm) batteries (to keep you
going and going...)
30 g washers (for that extra crunch)
20 g screws (for added texture)
1 dirty g-string
1 steel helmet
Pour grease and oil into helmet. Smash batter
ies with titanium fist. Remove fist quickly and
lightly pick up batteries, tipping them over into
liquid mixture to allow acid to seep out into
helmet (acid gives that cyborg stew that extra
punch!)
Pick up helmet to shake ingredients. Shake,
do not stir—acid may deteriorate any stirring
instrument. Shake washers and screws in a
strainer to remove excess dirt or metallic
residue. Once the residue has fallen through,
pour the solids into liquid mixture and shake
once more.
When screws and washers have sufficiently
deteriorated in mixture, pick up helmet, close
eyes, gulp down and resist gagging (good luck!)
Once this disgusting cybernetic contraption
has eaten away enough of your digestive system, use as motivation to pick up futuristic
machine gun and DESTROY! DESTROY!
DESTROY! •
22
APRIL     2005 P I what I know for sure
FAME AND  FORTUNE ISN'T JUST
^^:^}^^fC^y^mdi, rwjning television
|fiS^di::i^!'l(B;;iisei 'for heavy-handed
r(x? £xu J
s$$$timony too!
W^k remember the first time, oh, about
VJ$0ty years ago, when I first realized that
|fS$pld use my syndicated television show
fpt^ote than the distribution of cupcake
^d|jes and segments detailing the total
t>Siaess„,of hookerness.
ffS^^kym^ Ldts of women!
Op television! I looked at myself in the
lidtptxor and said, "Poperah, you can use
yd*it television show to change the lives of
the women of America." And with my
mme and brand in hand, I set about
achieving my goal.
I- started  a National Book  Club  to
spread my love of reading. I invited motivational psychosocioinspirologists to
address my lifelong lack of self-esteem
and help others to come to terms with
their crippling lack of self-confidence. I
promoted regular exercise and low-carb
diets to assuage my own raging body issues
and help America slim down. But it was
never just about me. No, no. It was always
about the women of America. No. Wait.
Capitalise that. It was always about the
Women of America.
Because, quite frankly, too few women
in this country become billionaire cultural
icons and co-author a narrative that
includes Maya Angelou and hell, even Joan
of Arc, for their sheer caged-bird-barrier-
breakingness.
1 ? %.  f
%J V \,y       V
Love your>oIf. Eat a
donut and scream
love you!'
And with my this media empire, I have
delivered my truth. I have constantly
sought to pull women from die bog of
malcontent low self-esteem, underachieve-
ment and unrepentant patriarchy that will
remain our burden until even the most
repressed housewife is revelling in mastur-
batory pleasure from the gentle pressure
of a scented bathsoap molded in die shape
of Rosa Parks' bus pass.
What do I know for sure? live life to
your fullest. Be all that you can be. Seize
that rainbow. Grab that, gravy train. Ride
that cranberry boat. Pass that dutch. Love
your neighbour. Love yourself. Eat a donut
and scream "I love vou!" at vour mis-
shapen thighs in die mirror every morning. And evening for good measure.
Shoot for the stars. Live always and
uniquely according these inspiring, hollow
maxims, so that at the close of each day,
you can say, "I did my very best!" Hitch
yourself to a moonbeam and tap dance,
soft shoe and cha-cha vour way around
Saturn's rings, you magical princess, you.
Damn atmospheric impossibilities.
I know a lot of things for sure. What I
know the most is diat I'm here for you,
American Women, so make sure you get
the most you can out of it! Read my magazine. Watch my show. Wear my t-shirts.
Read my books. Follow my food recommendations. Wear the clothes I like. Buy
what I think is cool. After all, how else will
you develop an identity? And what better
identity could you possibly have other than
mine? Poperah!
What I know for sure is that the world
would be a greater place if it were just
ALL like me. Me, Mvself and I. Get vour-
self a mocha, girl, I'm in this for the long
haul. #
£X-
^ life ^fairo^^
F complete
lired .^
VWri'd;;iri'aybev
Wsx$;$^w ^yyyyy;:AAy-
S:xx /'-'fA.:AA:X't'sf5^Xj$^&:i.
|v-##:#'f-fll^pf ■■-.
>

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