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The Ubyssey Apr 30, 2015

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Array  l«.
BC Scrub-jay (Homo milk)
Size: dick, 26 - 28 cm (10.2 -11.0 inches); batwing span, 34 - 41 cm (13.4-16.0 inches); tail, none
Weight: Enough to party (cute love handles) Habitat: Tall grass and wet moss, also your mom's
house Surviving number: Estimated at one in a million.
WILDLIFE AS CANNON SEES IT
"All I can say is wow."
Staff photographer Pikachu Naked was
dumbfounded at the clarity and silence of our
new 7E Dave XVI.
"I mean, the guy didn't even notice me and I
was shooting him for at least six hours, between
masturbation breaks."
The Dave XVI features a new XMAS sensor,
multi-point genital focus, and a revolutionary
portability created specifically for tree climbing.
"I got up and down that oak with almost no
effort, thanks to the light-weight, portable Dave
XVI."
Cannon sees this as part of a whole new type
of photography, one that no one, specifically
the subjects, will see coming.
Cannon VOL.XCVI«NO.L
NATURAL
GEOGRAPHICS
Our staff photographer
performs a proverbial
jerk-offphotoshoot.
page 20
April 2015
Tracking Carter
msbndge  Photographs
Recked at Wreck
up a dangerous ocean-
People of UBC
The faces and places that make the university.
By Rockstar Photodick and Hoggan's Zeroes
Goopta in the Wild
Goopta in his natural environment.
id Photographs by BillBillBillBillBillBillBil
The Steam Tunnels
nere tozig and
>zaq in the underwork
Staff Photographer
Our staff photographer is amazeballs.
is bv Rockstar Pro,
Squirrels
These furry little creatures will tear your heart out.
Words and Photographs by David Bearheart
I'll never forget the first time I picked up my Cannon™ 7E
Dave XVI and went outside to photograph the natural world
and make fun of poor kids. I was 14 and I had a new superpower. I could freeze time. I was happy. I was important. I
mean, I was important before, but I was like, super important
after I bought a camera.
I learned so much in my first afternoon. There's a lot that
goes into good photography. The angle of your foot, the speed
ofthe kick, the density ofthe sand flying into your subject's
eyes all have to come together in exactly the right way to
produce the kind of framed perfection you can get off to.
Not that you would understand. Our level of photographic
supremecy is far beyond what any non-Natural Geographies
photographer could ever hope to achieve.
Our team of photographers is the best in the world. I
lifetime? None? That's what I thought. My friend Dave has
done like 20. Holy shit, right? That's pretty fuckin' impressive.
Dave here. I did that.
Hey it's Steve again lol. This is the point where I'd tell you
all about the content in this issue, but I'll save you the trouble Tracking Carter
By Peter de Mansbridge
Crouched in the darkness, two field technicians squint at
a laptop, hoping to catch a glimpse of Point Grey's most
elusive creature.
"Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel," Jason Perkins says, flipping through photos. "Oh — racoon."
Perkins is studying images from a camera stashed
several hundred metres south of the UBC fountain,
amongst a cropping of bushes
below a large oak tree. Scientists guess that the UBC coyote,
known popularly as Carter,
often prowls this area. But tonight, the animal is nowhere to
be seen.
That isn't always the case.
As UBC's sprawling campus
creeps further into the surrounding ecological reserve,
more  and  more  coyotes  are
finding themselves living close to bus stops, high rises
and obnoxiously loud first-years. Occasionally, they end
up right in the middle of campus, but rarely do they stay
for any long periods of time. Carter, however, has decided to make UBC his home.
This is why Perkins and his colleague, David Hadley,
are laying silently in a tent on a grassy outlook at the end
of Main Mall. They're working with the Lower Main-
"THEY AREN'T EVEN
DANGEROUS, I DON'T
THINK. SOMETIMES I WISH
I SPECIALIZED IN WOLVES
BECAUSE THEY ARE, LIKE,
ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL."
land Coyote Project, using GPS collars and cameras to
track coyotes' movements near B.C.'s largest metropolitan area. Scientists at the Lower Mainland Coyote Project are hoping to learn everything they can about these
creatures: what they eat, when they mate, and why they
even exist in the first place. These are the kinds of observations that can most effectively inform conservation
efforts like the occasional email
alert or safety bulletin.
"Coyotes are fairly important," says Sarah McMaster,
president of the Kerrisdale
Conservation Fund, which
operates the Lower Mainland
Coyote Project.
A rather boring animal
Solitary and stealthy, coyotes
live in roughly half the province. But unlike cougars,
bears or wolves, coyotes are not particularly interesting
or exciting. Apart from eating the occasional squirrel
and chasing small dogs, they have very little impact on
the ecosystem.
"They aren't even dangerous, I don't think," says McMaster. "Sometimes I wish I specialized in wolves because they are, like, actually pretty cool."
4   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 Putting Carter on the map
This map shows Carter's known locations over the past year, using data
gathered from Instagram and Twitter.
Nov 10 2014
Dec 12014
Jan 142015
A \ ::%
♦ i
Nov 82014 Jason Kerkin;
hoping to snap a ph
Despite their well-known boringness, coyotes are being studied closely by Perkins and Hadley. The pair of
scientists have been following the creatures for the past
25 years, often going to great measures just to find them.
One time, several years ago, they trekked as far as Lang-
ley to study a group of coyotes living near a farmer's field.
Their most recent expedition brings them to Point
Grey campus, where they have been tracking Carter for
the past three days. After two unsuccessful nights, they
are hoping to finally catch a glimpse of its scrawny, doglike figure.
"Why does it choose to live here? That's what I'm most
interested in," says Hadley. "I mean, of all the other places it could go, why here?"
Hadley hypothesizes that Carter was attracted to
the campus due to its abundant squirrel population, as
well as the fact that nobody seems to care that there is
a wild animal roaming around. Unlike coyotes in other
urban areas, Carter did not receive any opposition from
UBC's human population. In fact, Carter has become an
adored, almost celebrity-like figure on campus.
A new strategy
Perkins and Hadle/s stake out once again proved to
be unsuccessful. However, while checking their Twitter feeds the next morning, they saw 14 different photos and three videos of Carter on campus. After seeing
the amount of attention the creature was attracting on
social media, they decided to switch to a different method of tracking.
"It's safe to say we'll be adjusting our strategies," says
Perkins. "From now on we're just going to watch the 'ub-
ccoyote' hashtag on Twitter. No more cameras, no more
fancy GPS gear. All we need is our MacBooks and some
Wi-Fi."
| MORE ONLINE
INTERACTIVE
Track Carter's whereabouts in
realtime using data collected from
social networks.
bit.ly/19yAsTy
6   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 A*
6- *|
^alls, Age 21
(1993-2017)
he way down was smooth. The moss cushioning the edge of each step provided a cloud of green schmaltz, lessening the impact of
the weight of my body on my knees as I descended the stairs to the starting point of what has been called 'man's greatest adventure.'
The weather was mediocre. I had packed enough for the expected journey, plus several more layers, magazines, carabiners, mirrors,
condoms, floodlights, endangered mammals, sherpas, and some disposable cameras in the event of losing my photographer. I had saved my
favourite Instagram filters for emergency experience sharing, and my Snapchat was preloaded and ready to go. I was ready.
We began on the Tuesday, after a couple of false starts. There was an abundance of distractions on the beach, so as we explored, we collected leaves, mud samples and photographs ofthe ebbing waves. Yet nothing can recreate the experiences we had.
The first hours were pleasant. The methodical, metronomic plodding of our feet was the only sound, aside from our breath, my iPod and
the other travellers taking on the challenge for exercise. As we turned around, we could barelv see the bottom ofthe stairs or the beach.
But we knew it was there. WRECK BEACH, UBC
This336-mile-long beach is home to a bunch
of naked people in the summer.
CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE
It was comforting, in the dark ofthe first night on the stairs, to know
that our inner indecisiveness was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.
The serene brutality ofthe waves we could hear in the back of our
minds was our incentive to keep going on this journey.
The second day was harder. There was rain and the moss no longer
felt like a cushion to our weary feet. It felt like a mocking trampoline
or foam mat, with its beauty hiding its destructiveness.
We passed, on our way, others who had tried and failed to take the
same path as we. We saw men, we saw women, and all tried to make
us surrender.
"There are other ways," one called out, reaching her shrivelled,
pruney hand out towards us. "There are other stairs. There are other
paths. Why are you subjecting yourself to this horror?"
But so we continued.
"Man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work and dreams. He walks up the stairs
of his concepts, and emerges ahead of others." This was a mantra
we learned from some ofthe beach-dwellers. That seemed so long
ago now. How simple our life had seemed before embarking on this
journey ofthe stairs. The rest ofthe night was a blur. I remember
groups of youths travelling downwards, past us. We tried to warn
them, but to no avail.
On the third day, our journey continued. We were worryingly
low on food, but had gathered an abundance of water in our boots,
which we had left out overnight to collect rain and dew.
"What is the point of climbing these stairs," I asked Jim, a man
who had been lost at the midway bench stop since St. Patrick's Day.
"If we cannot reach the ultimate roof by the end?"
His response, I know, will stay with me long after the chill from
the trip has left my bones. "Never look backwards," he said. "Or
you'll fall down the stairs."
These words gave us a sense of renewal, revitalization and rejuvenation. The moss, the damp and the other struggling travellers no longer
were a worry. The sounds ofthe birds became a comfort after the
silence following the death of my iPod battery. When the sun came
out at the time of our midday meal, we could appreciate the dappled
light through the trees, and came to acknowledge the ease at which we
might learn to love the Stairs.
That afternoon we met a man, recognizable as a seasoned veteran
ofthe Stairs. "I started out on trail 3 back in June," he said. "Planning
to complete trail 7 by May, and after that, I'm set to discover more
routes."
Now on our third day, our route certainly seemed a challenge.
"This is the gnarliest trail I've seen yet," said the unnamed veteran.
"You guys are champions." This was cheering. I just wish I hadn't lost
my cameras, and that there was 4G in this remote area. It would have
been hashtag-worthy.
Hashtag-worthy experiences, however memorable we desire them
to be, are not forever. Just as my phone battery and our food, all
adventures must come to an end. We reached the top ofthe Stairs at
dawn on the fifth day. Never before had bicycle racks, washrooms
and the back view of a residence looked so alien. After 120 hours of
toil, sweat and pain, we had reached the top.
I wasn't sure how I was going to adjust back to civilian life.
Walking on horizontal earth was disorienting and puzzling, making
us realize how much the Stairs had changed us. Unable to walk for
extended periods of time, we found our way to the C18, and made
our way to the Point Grill. Sitting in front of my platter of pancakes
and eggs Benedict, I could finally reflect upon the enormity of what
had been accomplished.
Only at this moment did I realize: I will do this again. Maybe
even sober.
8   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 RECKED AT WRECK   9 An Inside Look:
Termites at Saunder
After giant, flesh-eating termites are discovered within the confines of
the Henry Angus Building undercover writer J-dawgZazou reports on
what he saw.
As if it wasn't hard enough to
get into it already, the Saunder
School of Business has become
completely overrun by giant
flesh-eating termites bent on
world domination. We promise
this isn't a metaphor.
Although they generally
feast on wood, the termites built
colonies in the Henry Angus
Building instead ofthe Forestry
building because, like all of us,
they agree that the Forestry
building is just too fucking far
away. As a result ofthe invasion,
thousands of Saunder students
have been forced to take refuge
in Buchanan, where they have
had to share classes with those
poorly-dressed Arts students.
"They don't even wear suits
to class," said Saunder refugee
Robert Carter. "Peasants, all of
them."
Since the invasion, the
termites have been feasting
on first-years, ramen noodles,
Blue-Chip cookies, that suit that
your mother spent way too much
money on, your homework and
the construction site ofthe new
SUB (yeah, you were wondering
why it was taking so long to
complete).
Unfortunately, UBC has not
been able to afford an exterminator, as budget cuts from the
provincial government have
forced the university to cut
back on any forms of extraneous spending. Before UBC can
liberate Saunder, their initiative
is to first focus on completing
more-crucial areas of spending,
such as the renovation of every
single building on campus.
Despite their human-eating
nature, the termites have slowly
but surely begun to fit into the
campus community. In adapting
to their environment, they've
started to behave like regular
university students: they drink
too much coffee, they watch a
lot of Netflix and they're just as
heartbroken over Zayn Malik
leaving One Direction as you are.
The termites even threw a toga
party in the Saunder lobby for all
to attend. Although the students
were pretty confused why the
termites played Carl Douglas'
"Kung-Fu Fighting" on repeat
the entire night, the general
consensus was that the party was
a success.
"I tell you man, those termites
have some pretty strong weed,"
said fifth-year geography student
Wolf Powers. "They did the
greatest prank ever last night:
instead of spray-painting the
Engineering cairn, they ate the
whole E! It was wicked, man."
However, Goopta has been
getting pretty fed up with the
Termites' weed smoke, so we
requested an interview with their
leader. They accepted, as long
as we brought them Mercantes.
Turns out even termites love
Mercantes.
The termites led me through a
dark hallway towards a staircase.
They directed me into the penthouse office, leaving me alone
with their termite leader who sat
with his back turned to me and a
cigar in his mouth.
"Hold on, I need to assume
my human form" the leader said,
and within a matter of seconds
he had shapeshifted into his true
identity: Drake — because of
fucking course Drake is in this
article somewhere.
"Drake! You took over Saunder?" I asked.
"Indeed," he said. "You see,
world domination has been my
goal from the start. Pop radio
just doesn't satisfy my hunger
anymore. I need to control Canadian schools with my termites in
order to spread my influence to
Canadian youth. Today, Saunder;
tomorrow, Sprott Shaw Community College! But first, I need to
feast on liberal arts students."
It is still unconfirmed whether
or not the termites reached
Sprott Shaw Community College, probably because nobody
actually goes there.
DOMINATION
After staking their claim to the walls and hallways of Saunder, the
insects will continue to rise in power. As of now, there is no counter to their rememarkable inability to be squashed. If their climb
continues, the whole of UBC may be next. And then, the world.
A BIT OF HISTORY
VILLAGE FOODCOURT
REBEL RISE
The basement
TAKEOVER
Finally
The roots of the invasion
begin. Rebels rise.
Fall of conservative govern-
mentduetocoup.
SUPREMACY
All hail
The overlords reign supreme
and liberal arts students fall.
10   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 The
HUM
of   UBC
The University of British Columbia is home to many "humans."
Luckily for you, our crack team of photographers took some time
off from climbing Mt. Everest to capture them in their full glory
Did we mention how good these photos are? They'll probably win,
like, at least three awards.
Photographs by Rockstar Prophotodick and Hoggan's Zeroes
HELL Amidst the sea of rabid, studious academics are students
awaking from hangovers. G
JH
IS/
/
■
/
A
&
4*
Vk
They are as much a part of campus as you are — maybe more so — but the construction worker (DetourMaximus)
often goes unnoticed among the wide variety of devious traps they lay. This specimen has just finished tearing up a
perfectly mediocre sidewalk, and now lies in wait for first years to trip on the gravel. \
I
This student politician (Magnus Mouthus) strikes a powerful pose as he celebrates a recent victory over a worthy
competitor. Confident in his strength, this student politician enjoys the moment's stillness before returning to "work.' 14   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 HUMANS OF UBC    15 Goopta in the Wild
UBC president Alvin Goopta made
an intrepid journey across his property, the Norman McMoney House. The epic trek saw
him traverse the expansive lawns for a gruelling three days. He set up a tent each night,
not sure how far he had gone, or when he'd ever reach the end of this property. The only
thing that kept him going through all those long days was the appealing sound emanating from the tennis courts, and promise of increased international rankings acheived
through research funding and higher tuition.
When alone at night, he reflected upon his whole outlook on life. He came to the realization that university rankings are irrelevant, as long as the university brings in enough
money to maintain the lawns ofthe presidential manor and refinish the tennis courts
every few years.
This image traces the path Goopta
and his tent took on his soul-searching
journey. While he didn't make it completely to the edge of his lawn, it was no
small feat.
Illllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Adit  J. 3.1k   Goopta made use of this tent to stay sheltered during the
cold, lonely nights. A staple item for all outdoor enthusiasts, this model costs a mere
$20,000, or less than five per cent of Goopta's annual salary. In addition to being
fully weather-proof, it sports a kitchen, bathroom, and lounge area. The next model
ofthe tent, currently commisioned for development by Goopta, will be a high-rise
version, complete with condos and several graduate research facilities. Due to a
lack of funding from the province, the project will be financed with money drawn
directly from students' bank accounts.
16   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 TimeXXX Watches
On the wrist of any successful executive or explorer, you II find
an equally successful watch.
Crafted from only the finest mercury, our Timeless watch is a crucial addtion to your wardrobe.
You want this. Buy it. Now.
LEGAL NOTICE
If you've purchased a TimeXXX watch you may be
entitled to payment from a class action settlement
Para recibir information en espanol, dirijase a www.killer-watches.com
A settlement has been reached in class action lawsuits against The
TimeXXX Watch Co ("Defendants") regarding the TimeXXX Timeless
watch. The lawsuit claims the Defendants' TimeXXX watch induced
mental health problems, sickness, and in some cases, death. The Defendants have falsely marketed the watch. They continue to stand by their
products and advertising.
Who's Included? The settlement includes all Persons in the United
States (including U.S. Territories and Puerto Rico) and Canada who
purchased the TimeXXX timeless watch anytime after June 2009. You
are not included in the settlement if you purchased more than one of
theses watches, because then, you are obviously an idiot and deserve
what you got.
What does the settlement provide? People included in the settlement
(if still living) who submit a valid Claim Form will receive $3,000 as reimbursement for the watch and up to $20,000 per lost limb, or $500 for
each finger that lost dexterity. Skin grafts may also be covered if proper
documentation ofthe exact amount of flesh lost is provided.
How do you get benefits? You must submit a valid Claim Form by
April 10,2015. Claim forms may be submitted online or at the Norman
Mackenize House in person.
Your Other Options If you do nothing, your rights will be affected and
you will not get a settlement payment. If you do not want to be legally
bound by the settlement, you must exclude yourself from it. Unless you
exclude yourself (or are already deceased) you will not be able to sue or
continue to sue the Defendants for any claim resolved by this settlement
or released in the Class Action Settlement Agreement.
The Court's Fairness Hearing The UN. district Court for the middle
district of Florida, located at 6138 Student Union Boulevard, will hold
a hearing in the case on March 20,2016 to consider whether approve
(1) the settlement; (2) Class Counsel's request for an award of attorney's
fees, costs and expenses up to $678,000,000,000 (3) Alvin Goopta's
request for a new car. If approved, these will be awarded immediately. Ri^hl Bank
UBC
■
AR!-:\
1 NTARGED
AREA OF QUARRIED
UMI.STONT
THE REMAINS
OFPBR
Scattered among Ihe rats and sewage, the
currency of UBC's underground Steam
Tunnel market Is. without doubt, empty cans
of Pabstsmere Bluelsh Rag. "RHAAAGHHHH
SKREECH/ said one tunnel-dweller, when
asked If we could hold one. The cans have
proved valuable in trade with the local student market who are always broke as fuck.
Public access to stum tunnels
1GC TUNNELS
ji**' Accessible, closed to the public
Inaccessible
^*  Area filled with concrete
jfi       to block access
fyp      Stairwell
bu
■v±     SUcked pillars
PBR Towers
Collapse
Celling erosion (bell hole)
0   NW Marine
Lower Mall
steam:
Aqueduct ■ i - - i e—e—■
^
public: lntr1
JNTOS'
JtEAM
Q   Agronomy Road
IP:,\*
O    Main Mall
m;
O   University BLVD
it.
COLLAPSE OF 1879
^.. ■■. ■
7
■
.
->..
'7vFALL OF TOUPfi
:£*
**
**
0  Acadia Road
^s>  s
X
t    —* t A flesh-eating devil squirrel (Satanus Carnivorious) imitates its distant
cousin — the eastern grey squirrel — by pretending to eat a hazelnut. It lures
in would-be predators through its similarities to its herbivorous relative before brandishing its talons and revealing the hellish spirit within it.
22   NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS •   APRIL 2015 SEXY
Picture
Perfect
One ofthe most iconic images of all time combines two
ofthe best elements of our
magazine — our photographers and our photographers at work. On this date,
Rockstar Prophotodick took
a few moments out of his
busy day filled with artistic vision, adventure, exploration,
and self indulgence to pose
for one of our still amazing,
but lesser photographers.
Just before this shot, he
captured an iconic image of
a lion the only way possible—through a$12,000
Cannon lens. Just after this
shot was taken, he took off in
a helicopter to shoot photos
of a previously uncontacted
group of people. Upon arriving there, he immediately
asserted his dominance by
slaughtering a zebra with his
bare hands.
Our photographers have
always been a staple of our
publication since it launched
in 1888. This April 1,2015
issue will go down as the
first time this artist showed
his perfect face in our pages
from the other side ofthe
Cannon camera.
NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS (ISSN 1918-2015) PUBLISHED MONTHLY BYTHE NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS SELF INDULGENT SOCIETY, 6138 STUDENT UNION
BOULEVARD. ONE YEAR MEMBERSHIP $10,000. DELIVERY TO CANADA $50 PER ISSUE. $300 IF A PONDEROSA ELEVATOR IS INVOLVED. ACCOUNTS PAYABLE TO JACK-OFF HOW-THEN, SENIOR SELF-MASTURBATORY STAFF OF THE SOCIETY. ALL IMAGES CONTAINED HEREIN ARE SOLEY FOR SELF-MAS-
TURBATORY PURPOSES OR TO INSPIRE YOUNG PHOTOGRAPHERS TO GROW TO NEW HEIGHTS OF EGO TRIPS AND PRODUCE ART FOR ART'S SAKE (AS
LONG AS IT PAYS WELL). WHINE
We don't get service anywhere. Not even on Broadway. Mad?
• It
Real Customer Experience
"I mean, I get service but only if I don't leave my Gastc
nothing. You wouldn't believe how little you can do wi
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