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The Ubyssey Dec 9, 2014

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Array THE ABYSSEY
UBC'S OFFICIAL
UNDERGROUND
NEWSPAPER
FIGHTING THE
SAUNDERREGIME
DECEMBER 9,2014 I VOLUME I I  ISSUE I 2
THE ABYSSEY
MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
w
Jtt
HtV-P US
SttPHW
HTOUPt
Even commuter students
must have noticed by now
that things have changed on
this campus since last year.
It should be obvious to you just
from the sunny pictures in Saun-
der's propaganda that everything
they are telling you is a lie. Things
are not supposed to be this way.
For eight glorious years,
President Stephan Toupe upheld
a civilization of morality, prosperity and justice at the University of British Columbia. We all
mourned when he announced
his resignation a year and a
half ago. We were certain that
nobody else could possibly fill his
polka-dotted socks in an equally
elegant manner.
We were right.
On May 29,2014, the Presidential Search Committee
announced they had yet to find a
candidate. An interim president
was appointed.
Two weeks later — the day after
Toupe left campus for good — the
Saunder School of Business took
advantage ofthe power vacuum to
seize power for itself.
It was a bloodbath.
The interim leader, whose name
is now lost to the mists of time,
was disposed of after Saunder
Dean Norbert Hellslee and the
few Saunder executives he hadn't
fired over the course ofthe year
stormed the president's office.
As the rules ofthe new regime
were written, Toupe was declared
"Saunder's most wanted."
In late June, the Society of
Commerce Undergraduate Minions (SCUM) launched a military
coup, taking Hellslee out of power
and replacing him with their previously exiled leader, President
Dean Dan, who had disguised
himself as an Arts professor living
in Totebag Park. With this final
stroke, even the Magic Forest
Alliance, the last holdouts against
the takeover, fell before SCUM
troops like so many leaves in the
wind.
"I am disappointed," Hellslee
was heard to say. He has not been
heard from since, although some
reports suggest he was last seen in
the depths of a Saskatchewanian
uranium mine.
President Dean Dan then began
to reshape UBC in his own image.
Faculties were repurposed. Students were made to adhere to increasingly strict rules. Rebranding
— with which students must keep
up or face punishment by death —
continues, every hour of every day.
The Engineers have broken off, but
seem to be on no one's side — not
even their own.
There's trouble at the border.
With The Universal Nope Association (TUNA) supporting the new
regime and the Almost Meaningless Society (AMS) out of commission, there seems to be little hope
for us, the people, in this brave
new world.
Even so, we refuse to be
silenced. The free press was
outlawed in late June, but we have
been able to set up operations
in a secret location to print the
inaugural edition of this, the voice
ofthe coming revolution: The
Abyssey.
Where is Toupe? And what
is Hellslee doing with all that
uranium? These are questions we
must answer. Our new mission:
to find Toupe and restore him as
president before Saunder's top
spies find him and eliminate all
chances of hope and freedom on
our campus.
x0U'tf0UR0^
VlOPt
THE ABYSSEY
Fearless Leader
Georgyo Fester
Circus Recruiter
BlingBlonk
Series of Tubes Wrangler
KristovJohan
Truth Editors
BillMacDonald*
Clarence Bighorn
Senior Truth Writer
Random Clown
Vulture Editor
Edward Ryse
Senior Vulture Writer
RoRo the Hater
Drill Sergeant
Colonel Mustard
Senior Lifestyle Writer
Rey Rey Measuringtape
Pretentious Douchebag
Mick Kriztoff
Propagandists
Your Mom +
Jewbread Frnitzel
Coping Editor
Mach Twos
Campus Peeping Man
Aaron Karter
The Illustrious
Mochi Soup
Wobble Control
Hacky McHacky
Pamphlet Distribution
Really Fly
Geist Editors
Winston Smith, Bali Ramses, Magellan Tie-In
Unpaid Infiltrator
LadyDi
Editorial Hole:
Coordinates will be sent to the worthy via
carrier pigeon. See you soon, comrades.
Business Hole:
We don't do ads. Mo'fucka.
This publication is a work of satire. All
articles are completely made up.
This is not a real newspaper. Seriously.
MISSING
MONSTROSITY
RABBIS
330
voutf*
*.jsss
The rain continues to fall at UBC.
The day Saunder rose to power was a dark one, figuratively speaking, but literally as well. Since Toupe's
departure, constant precipitation has soaked Point
Grey, having not let up since.
A student reported having witnessed the sun
this past Thursday, but upon further investigation, it was found to be merely the reflection of
a smartphone in a puddle.
Vancouver Weather Professionals confirmed that the entire UBC campus has
been fully swathed in darkness for 48 days.
Although original weather predictions
had forecast otherwise, the silvery sunless appearance of the sky has not let up.
President Dean Dan attributed the
prevailing meteorological conditions
to the misplaced desire of members
ofthe student community to "make it
rain." Others suspect the non-receding water line to be the result ofthe
tears of fellow students.
Calgary mayor Naveed Nancy blames
the torrential downpour on Vancouver's
over-competitive nature. "President Dean
Dan is trying to that prove Vancouver is better than
Calgary," Nancy said. "We get it. Your NHL team may
be ranked higher. Your Olympics may have won Canada more medals. But flooding your city? I think that
crown is still ours."
For as long as it has been raining on campus, Almost
Meaningless Society (AMS) Council has barricaded
themselves in the council chambers. They have been
debating for six months as to what their reaction to
the Saunder coup should be. There seems to be no
conclusion in the near future.
AMS President Colleen Wrong suspended
code for the first time to leave Council chambers and remind students that scuba tanks and
wetsuits are all available through the UBC
Aquarium Society — although you'll need a
scuba tank and wetsuit to reach their office,
located in the basement ofthe SUB.
As for the true reason for this incessant
watery torture, we can only guess. Perhaps
we brought it upon ourselves. Perhaps it
is judgment from on high — a sick, reverse
hellfire, but no less purifying, sent to cleanse
the filth from this, the wretched hive of scum
and villainy that is Point Grey.
Or maybe it's just global warming. Ha ha, am I
right, folks? Follow me on Twitter. •
The Batty Museum of Biodiversity is still looking for
the missing skeletal whale
that used to hang from the
ceiling in its atrium.
The whale was originally thought to be dead, but
upon contact with water,
it shuddered violently, let
out a deafening bellow and
swam off — presumably to
the Vancouver Aquarium to
"chill with that saucy minx
of a beluga," according to
its Twitter.
The horrid creature was
last seen off the shores of
Wrecked Beach, inspiring
dread in all who gazed upon
it.
If you have information
regarding the whereabouts
ofthe gigantic undead
mammal, please call Safe-
walk at (604) 822-5355 so
they can escort him home. • MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
THE ABYSSEY
NEW RULES IMPOSED AT SSBC
EDWARD RYSE
ON GUARDFORTHEE
When we heard that Toupe was
leaving, every UBC student
knew, in their heart, that the
school would be worse off for it.
But no one could have imagined
just how far our fair campus
would regress.
Where once we saw flowr'd
gaggles of freshmen cajoling along
the avenues and boulevards of our
school, we see now only the trembling faces of those who were lucky
— or unlucky — enough to survive
the first purges. Every step of our
students' immiserated lives is monitored by security cameras and the
black gaze of President Dean Dan's
nefarious SCUM enforcers who
now patrol campus, ready to destroy
anyone who so much as glances the
wrong way.
Classes are now entirely mandatory, and we are all required to
WHERE ONCE WE SAW
FLOWR'D GAGGLES OF
FRESHMAN CAJOLING
ALONE THE AVENUES AND
BOULEVARDS OF OUR
SCHOOL, WE SEE NOW ONLY
THE TREMBLING FACES OF
THOSE WHO WERE LUCKY
-ORUNLUCKY- ENOUGH
TO SURVIVE THE FIRST
PURGES.
refer to each other as "colleagues."
A variety of cruel and unusual
punishments await anyone who
should be so unfortunate as to
disobey these rules, intentionally
or otherwise; SCUM patrols are
equipped with briefcases full of
bricks for first-time violators, while
repeat offenders are struck down
by ultimate frisbee firing squads.
And we all know the precedent for
the worst cases, those students who
miss classes repeatedly: suspension from the gables of the Irvine
K. Babar Building's rear entrance,
where stone elephant gargoyles —
reflecting the demeanour of the
armed guards who now occupy
the tower opposite — remain
eternally perched.
Students with full course loads
are the ones who suffer the most.
TransitLink is, as always, indifferent to the plight of UBC commuters; students who arrive late to
class due to bus pass-ups may never
return home. Many have taken to
sleeping in lecture halls or the SUB
to avoid such a fate.
In an effort to promote higher
attendance - and therefore a greater
return on their investments - Saunder announced immediately after
the takeover that alcohol consumption on campus would be "actively
encouraged."
Some of us rejoiced at the news.
But we could not have anticipated
the real purpose of this policy: to
keep the entire student populace
in a state of perpetual inebriation
or a state of drunken stupor, thus
preventing any possibility of an
uprising following President Dean
Dan's coup. The Ski and Board
Club, it seems, has yet to notice the
changes.
At exactly 9 p.m. every night, students are marched into the basement
of the abandoned SUB. When the Pit
Pub finally shut down last year, Saunder purchased the space for themselves and immediately excavated it,
replacing our beloved drinking haunt
with a cavernous pool of industrial-grade pilsner. Glasses, it seems,
were not a part of Saunder's budget;
instead, we are forced to drink on our
knees, immersing our blighted faces
into a bacterial miasma and made to
inhale fetid brew until we can stand
it no more. With the merest hint of
irony, both students and oppressors
alike still refer to the hellish hovel as
"the Pit."
Given our agonized drunkenness, the return march to the dorm
towers is particularly difficult.
President Dean Dan has insisted
that all campus residences have no
doorknobs or lightbulbs, supposedly to "prevent bacterial transmission" and "promote sustainability";
of course, these policies are really
in place to prevent us from locking
our doors, or meeting at night. At
any rate, finding our own beds is
now effectively impossible.
Comrades, we are exhausted and
absolutely smashed — but take solace, for the day will come when our
saviour, Toupe, returns to liberate
us. Until then, The Abyssey lives on
underground, far from the purview
of the SCUM. We are irreparably
committed to briefing the student
populace with revolutionary dispatches — and not even pilsner can
stop us. •
POLICE RELEASE SKETCH OF COUP SUSPECT
suspect they believe responsible for instigating
the coup.
The suspect, known only as "Hellslee," is described as a Caucasian male of six feet with thinning dirty blonde hair, last seen wearing glasses. He
is believed to sleep in his suit and tie.
Accordingto police, the nature ofthe business-
man-at-large's relationship to President Dean Dan
is unclear, though both have been known to use the
following secret S-A-U-N-D-E-R chant to rally the
supporters ofthe takeover:
Saunder, home of pure expertise!
Arts and Science fall with ease!
Up we rise, prepare to fight!
None shall stand before our might!
Devaluate all other faculties!
Excess returns on our degrees!
Rule the school in monopoly!
Anyone who hears the chant is encouraged to
MAY 29 2014
JUN122014
JUN2520I4
JUL 312014
PHILOSOPHY
PRESIDENTIAL
HELLSLEE AND
SCUM MILITARY
SEARCH COMMITTEE
SAUNDEREXECS
COUP TOPPLES
REBELLION
ANNOUNCES NO
DEPOSE INTERIM
HELLSLEE REGIME,
COLLAPSES
AUG 18 2014
DEC 4 2014
REPLACEMENT FOUND
PRESIDENT;
PRESIDENT DEAN
DEMONSTRATORS
FORTOUPE; INTERIM
NEW RULES
DAN SEIZES
REALIZE THEY
"DEAN DAN
DOCTRINE"
REPURPOSESALL
FACULTIES
LATIN SUPPRESSED
PRESIDENT APPOINTED
INSTALLED;
POWER;
WOULD ACTUALLY
BYSAUNDER
PROFESSOR
ENTIRE UNIVERSITY
HAVE TO DO
REGIME
TRAFFICKING
BEGINS IN
UNDERSAUNDER
CONTROL
SOMETHING
EARNEST
DEC 6 2014
CONNECT
REPLACED
HOW SHIT
WENT DOWN
JUL 12014
ENGINEERS
SECEDE
JUL 9 2014
MANDATORY
DRESS CODE
IMPLEMENTED
SEPT 18 2014
SAUNDER REGIME
APPEALS TO
ENGINEERS, FAILS
DEC 9 2014
THE ABYSSEY
PUBLISHES
INAUGURAL
EDITION FROM
UNDISCLOSED
LOCATION 4
THE ABYSSEY
MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
SSBC
armiS REPURPOSEj
^^ernowcogsinvoracouscap^lU -
JOHN PHILIP SOUSA
While the rebel Engineers continue to thrive independently, life at the Saunder School of British Columbia is desolate and distorted.
In August, the Dean's Office released a public decree, now known as the "Dean Dan Doctrine."
"President Dean Dan and his executive team will restructure and streamline the former University of British Columbia into an efficient and bottom-line oriented organization," the
decree read. Since then, every faculty has been restructured for the tireless pursuit of capital.
For almost the entire SSBC population, the future truly is bleak.
ARTS
The Faculty of Arts has descended into a sort of anarchic
feudalism.
A number of Arts students now
sell their writing to the powerful
propaganda machine ofthe ruling
Saunder class.
Pro-capitalist demonstrations
are carefully staged in strategic locations by drama students, before
quickly dissolving into rehearsed
argument.
Creative writing and economics
majors are working in conjunction to rewrite The Communist
Manifesto to endorse trickle-down
theory as a solution to class
inequality.
At the graduate level, meanwhile, scholarly articles on the
social benefits of laissez-faire
economics are produced and published en masse.
FORESTRY
Near the Farm, the newly named
Faculty of Deforestry has made
significant progress in clearcut-
ting Pacific Spirit Park to make
room for Saunder's proposed
shopping complex, through
progress has been hampered by
their undying commitment to
slacklining.
SCIENCE
The chemistry and biology
departments have been entirely revamped into highly
efficient, round-the-clock drug
processing facilities.
Grey meth is rapidly created,
sorted and packaged by Science
students, who occasionally mutter
about the labour being good experience for med school. Animal
testing is at an all-time high.
BMWs with N stickers
transport the meth to the newly
erected pier at the collapsed cliff
on Wrecked Beach, where it is
exported to the rest of the world.
Toupe supporters have commented that all of this seems
to be riffing rather a lot on the
popularity of AMC's hit television series Breaking Bad. President Dean Dan's stance on the
show is not currently known.
exploits them mercilessly and
also makes fun of their weird
corn smell. Can you smell that?
It's a weird corn smell.
MEDICINE
LFS
Land and Food Systems students
continue to farm food, tireless
chants of "We will, we will, feed
you," ringing out day and night
from the SSBC Farm. Saunder
The Faculty of Medicine has
made no change in its disciplinary trajectory, continuing
to work with transnational
pharmaceutical companies.
Recent publications include
a report outlining the medical
benefits of heroin and a nine-page
report on why injecting cocaine is
better than snorting cocaine.. •
CLOCK REPLACED WITH 14-STORY GOARD TOWER
BILL MACDONALD
HAMMER OF JUSTICE
The Saunder School of British
Columbia has taken aggressive
marketing to a whole new level.
Last week, the clock tower was
commandeered by the Saunderites
and converted into their armed
marketing headquarters.
Armed SCUM guards look
through monocle-style telescopes
for any students violating the Saunder code of unethicality - being
sober, not wearing suits, or missing
an opportunity to manipulate
people to their advantage.
A 120-foot-long black necktie
now adorns the clock tower. The
face that used to tell time has been
replaced by a digital display show-
"ONE TIME I DIDN'T
YELL PIZZA' LOUD
ENOUGH AND MY SUIT
WAS RUINED.''
-CHAD RYAN,
FINANCE FIRST-YEAR
ing a tally of Saunder's constantly
growing net worth.
Ever since Saunder took over
the BOOM! Pizza franchise, they
realized the old chime ofthe clock
tower was a waste of a precious
marketing opportunity. But while
having the tower blast BOOM! on
the hour did instill an appropriate
sense of fear in students, it didn't
help sell pizzas.
So Saunder decided to make
students participate in the their
marketing — a never-ending
group project.
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"
It's three o'clock. "Pizza! Pizza!
Pizza!" the students respond in
unison — at least the ones who
know what's best for them.
Transgressions are met with
Saunder's new arsenal of weapons
developed by a private military
contractor. The school's top students provide an endless supply
of slime to grease the outside of
the guard tower, ensuring the
safety ofthe SCUM lackeys in
their turrets. The remaining
1,000-gallon-daily supply is shot
out of a cannon at students who
don't yell "pizza!" loudly enough
in response.
"One time I didn't yell 'pizza!'
loud enough and my suit was
ruined," said finance first-year
Chad Ryan. "No one would talk to
The new guard tower combines marketing
me for three months."
Repeat offenders are forced to
carry a BOOM! Box - a portable
stereo constantly playing bomb
noises to which the students must
respond by yelling "pizza!" in order
to prevent it from spewingtomato
sauce and pizza toppings, ruining
opportunities with social control.
their power suits, perfectly gelled
hair, and chances of networking at
daily conferences.
Other weapons include
high-pressure alcohol hoses,
briefcase bombs, necktie lassos, and
"making it hail" - dropping thousands of now-worthless pennies on
ATOTAFFYREAFPHOTOGRAPHffHE ABYSSEY
out-of-line students' heads.
"I've never eaten so much pizza
in my life," a bloated, bruised, tomato sauce- and slime-covered student moaned. "I don't get it. I'm
lactose intolerant, but somehow I
always find myself going back to
BOOM! Pizza." • THE ABYSSEY
DRESS TO SUPPRESS
An insider's guide to Saunder style
LLEWELYN LAY
SANDINISTAFASHIONISTA
SSBC executives have imposed a mandatory dress
code for campus, and we at The Abyssey have
prepared a handy guide to help you avoid undue
persecution by the authorities in style.
The dress code, put into effect in early July, mandates "business formal" for all students. Those caught
out of dress will be subject to "disciplinary action,"
whatever that means — let's try to avoid finding out.
At the announcement, SCUM VP Synergy Ana
Lytics said the policy was meant to symbolize the
1. LEATHER
BRIEFCASE
"Forget anything bulky, with vel-
cro or visible letters," said Lytics.
"Invest in a smooth, genuine leath
er briefcase that can hold your
laptop and, most importantly, has
good heft, for beating code-violating colleagues."
transition to a more streamlined and impeccable
era. "As a Saunder initiate, you can talk the talk
and walk the walk," she said, "but you must also
ook the look.
"Cold winters in the rain? In the before times,
Science students might have been tempted to
trudge through lecture halls in sweatpants and
Hunter boots, but in our bright new world, you'll
be wearing six-inch stilettos in a hurricane."
In addition to the suit-and-tie or skirt-and-blaz-
er combo, every successful Saunder impersonator
must carry with them, at all times, the following
necessities:
4. EXPENSIVE WATCH
Note: it doesn't have to be expensive. It just has to look expensive. •
WAR OF
ENGINEERING
Engineers remain sole bastion of
independence on campus
BILL MACDONALD
PVT. FIRST CLASS
The Engineers never cared for
society's rules, and not much has
changed since the Saunder coup.
After the takeover, the Engineers broke off from the rest of
the university to live their own
independent, technology-driven
lives.
Since then, they have adapted
their robots and electric vehicles
for combat, allowing them to
realize total independence from
Saunder and procure status as
their own sovereign, nuclear
weapon-producing state.
Under the slogan "A Place of
Mining," the Engineers have
established an armed compound
under Main Mall.
In their words, the Engineers
have become the "badasses" they
could once have only imagined in
video games.
Occasionally, the Engineers
emerge from their heavily fortified lair to gather supplies and
assert their martial dominance
over the math-illiterate plebeians
in other departments.
Three months ago, Saunder
tried appealing to the personality
ofthe Engineers in a bid to gain
their allegiance. Upon realizing that Engineers don't have
personalities, Saunder quickly
abandoned the strategy.
Saunder then planned to
destroy the engineers through
conventional warfare; however,
upon learning ofthe faculty's arsenal — which includes a hybrid
Volkswagen-Abrams Mi-Beetle
tank, drones, homing missiles
and pressurized water-launching robots — Saunder decided
fighting the Engineers was a
lost cause.
In addition to their home
base, the Engineers have since
deployed heavy Godiva marching
band assault squadrons to keep
Saunder off their backs. They
roam the campus with relative impunity, playing aggressive stadium rock songs while
testing their sonic face-melting
weapon technology.
Although the Engineers have
the technology to destroy campus,
the majority of their efforts have
been devoted to instilling fear in
Saunder, while simultaneously
developing a robot that can pour
beer with the perfect amount of
foam. • THE ABYSSEY
MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
6
PROFESSOR TRAFFICKING
HITS ALL-TIME HIGH
DUDE FAWKES
MASK COLLECTOR
With the campus now under
almost total control of Saunder overlords, official academic
freedom and diversity is now all
but extinguished in the shadow of
what was once UBC.
However, like alcohol during Prohibition, the struggle
of students for non-commerce
education has only become more
desperate. This has led to one of
the most extreme solutions yet:
the rapid proliferation of professor trafficking rings.
The professor smuggling circuit sprung up on campus almost
immediately after the Saunder
takeover. Every day, at least
two SSBC profs are abducted,
either from their homes or on the
street, imprisoned and sold off to
various university departments.
Once there, they are forced to
lecture without pay.
Although considered to be
recognized scholars before, they
have now been downgraded to
little more than a cheap way of
satiating educational desires.
SCUM tropps have been cracking
down on these trafficking operations, raiding dozens of cam
pus residences in the past three
months alone. However, officials
haven't said whether these are
actually making an impact, or
anything about the fates of those
freed from captivity.
Some professors have engaged
in shady operations of their own.
Former anthropology professor
Charlie Menchies aggressively
took over Menchie's Frozen Yogurt
— now outlawed by Saunder — and
reportedly operates a huge yogurt
smuggling business across campus.
Better known by his alias "Heisen-
gurt," his trademark product is an
addictive 98-per cent purely frozen
crystal blue froyo.
Menchies' notoriety is overshadowed only by that of a feared
campus kingpin, known only as
"the Gate Man," who has taken
over and barricaded all of Buchanan with puke-yellow fences.
Sources indicate that every night,
screams of students are heard
from within the barricades,
fuelling rumours that SCUM
enforcers have hired him to
torture various captured campus
"undesirables," subjecting them
to excruciatingly hard exams and
to the yodelling ofthe Gate Man.
Oh, the humanity. •
SAUNDER ADMITS INADEQUACY OF
CONNECT. INSTALLS REPLACEMENT
VICIOUS, SID
REPORTING REPORTER
Effective immediately, the Saunder School of British Columbia
has terminated use ofthe Connect
learning management system
(LMS), replacing it with a homegrown LMS of their own.
The decision came after the
release of a report on Friday by an
internal consulting firm, which
recommended "an immediate
termination of Connect" on the
grounds that Connect was "useless
to anyone with a computer."
In its place, Saunder will adopt
a new LMS, developed by senior
business technology management
students, called Learn NOW.
"We knew Connect had a few
issues, such as an extremely
user-unfriendly interface, broken
assessment question links, inconsistent alerts, slow load times,
browser incompatibilities and
downtime during midterm season," said Kim Fitzgerald, Saunder's assistant electronic education
learning management systems
manager. "We then decided to turn
to our bright, innovative undergraduate students for a solution."
Learn NOW was spearheaded by Kenneth Danielsson, a
fourth-year business technology
management major.
Danielsson said Learn NOW
has offset the maintenance costs
of Connect by 100 per cent, and is
actually expected to make Saunder
a profit. When signing up for the
new system, students can choose
to purchase a two-year contract or
to pay as they go.
■WE KNEW CONNECT
HAD A FEW ISSUES.''
-KIM FITZGERALD,
ASSISTANT ELECTRONIC EDUCATION
LEARNING MANAGEMENT SYSTEMS
MANAGER
"Students can do whatever they
want once they're in," said Danielsson. "Make their own profiles,
personalize their background
colour, upload their files, start
message boards, even access vital
files uploaded by their teachers.
Truly liberating!" •
Jiiiiiiiijiiiiiiijiiiiiiijiiiiiiijiiiii^^
iiiiiljiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilliiiiiiiiiiiii
The Connect website on its last day in operation.
SCREENSHOTCOURTESYTHEABOMINATIONTHAT WASCONNECT.GOOD RIDDANCE. MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
THE ABYSSEY
VANSHITTY BUZZ WINS
SAUNDER JOURNALISM
AWARD
CAMEL SOMMELIER
SOCIALIST MEDIA GURU
The Saunder School of British
Columbia has awarded the newly
created Saunder Journalism
Award for New Media Synergy to
Vanshitty Buzz.
The award was presented to Vanshitty Buzz editor Karma for his reports on new trends in men's suits.
"IT'S ALL ABOUT
NETWORKING.''
-KARMA,
EDITOR OFVANSHITTY BUZZ
Through a series of blog and
Instagram posts, Karma presented
nearly 50 words and 5,000 Face-
book shares about the business
attire that makes up the mandatory
uniform for all Saunder students.
The new suits feature sleek,
modern designs and will each come I
with an Arts co-op student to carry
stuff around.
"This is a significant improvement for Saunder students who
are always concerned about the
practicality of wearing a backpack with a three-piece suit,"
said Karma.
"It's all about networking. You
never know where the next networking session will be — maybe
on the B-Line, or while grabbing
lunch, so you always need to be
prepared with a proper suit and
business cards."
"We're honoured to finally
receive some recognition," Karma
tweeted three weeks after receiving I
the award. "It's been a long time
coming. BTWs did you see that
'What Does the Lox Say' video? I
think it could be the next big thing."!
When contacted, Kelvin Klein,
the now-exiled head of UBC's
former Graduate School of Journalism, let out the sigh of a defeated
man whose soul lies in ruin, and
declined to comment. •
VANSHITTY    BUZZ
7
SUMMA INJURIA
Toupe's native Latin tongue
suppressed by Saunder regime
TEARIN TWAIN
PUGNATORELIBERTATEM
language requirement now. Maybe
"This innovation will better
Sanskrit."
reflect the new school doctrine,"
In the early                 ^^^^^^^^
said Hellslee, who led the
If Latin is not a dead language,
days of the             ^^^^^^^^^^m\
^^.        campaign during his short
the Saunder administration
coup, a               ^m\^^
^^^^^     reign. He also men-
intends for it to be.
campaign       ^WL
^^^     tioned that terms like
With Stephan Toupe six months
to ob-            Mf^^^.
^^k      "networking" were
in exile, the Saunder School of
literate       mj      ^^^
^^     difficult to trans-
British Columbia has ordered
MJ           ^^^
^L     late into Latin.
the elimination from campus
mm     ^hh ■
_    _      H         The status of
of all traces of Latin, Toupe's
more        ■                 M
■     the new motto,
mother tongue.
1                 flmJ
m     as well as that of
Since President Dean Dan an
peace-     H               II             H
■     several campus
nounced the change on Wednesday,
fui       a 1   mm*m m
m     Latin dance and
11 plaques around campus bearing
times        ^^^^^                       ^^
my     cuisine clubs, is
inscriptions in Latin have been
had led       ^^
^k          Ay      yet to be ad-
removed, and at least 20 more have
to the           ^^
^m^^AW      dressed.
been vandalized. The school's num
modifi-           ^^^
As the administra-
erous Latin courses will be delisted
cation of             ^^^^^
^^9^       tion continues to erase
starting next semester.
UBC's former         ^^^^^^H^^^tf
all traces and remnants
"This will definitely change
motto from
of old Toupe, one has to ask:
my degree plan," said first-year
"tuum est" — "it's
where in the world is Toupe when
Arts student Balbinus Caesar. "I
yours" — to "meum est" — "it's
his university so desperately needs
need to find something else for my
mine."
him?'
TUNA BACKS COUP
Housing organization supports banning students from residences; students suffer, no one cares
CLARENCE BINGH0RN
ICHTHYOLOGYREPORTER
Changes to the university
demographic have been
apparent ever since the The
Universal Nope Association
(TUNA) formerly known as
the University Neighbourhoods Association, lent
their support to Saunder's springtime coup.
TUNA has formally endorsed Saunder in turning UBC Student Housing
and Hospitality Services completely
over to the free market. Starting this
September, first-year housing is no
longer guaranteed. In fact, first-years
have been banned entirely from residing on campus, because, as Charlie
Menchies tweeted earlier this
month, "We must keep the riffraff
out!"
Menchies went onto explain that
a long commute would teach
students the value of learning,
something he said the retired folks
relaxing on the beaches of Point
Grey already have enough life
experience to understand.
As a result, dozens of 30-story
apartment buildings have popped up on
campus. Many of them feature hewn
marble fixtures, although these are
being increasingly replaced with gold.
"OBSERVE THE RESULTS
OF A SOCIETY BUILT
ON THE PRINCIPLE OF
INDIVIDUALISM."
-HOWARD R0ARK,
ARCHITECT
This trend is particularly notable in
the northern districts of campus next to
the Axis apartment building, where Al-
lard Hall has been demolished to make
room for the new Central Powers complex. Tenants of these establishments
are currently feuding with residents
of the Entente condo complex, which
have sprung up in between Buchanan
blocks.
The architect, Howard Roark,
expressed no surprise at all regarding
the speed at which the buildings came
up. "Productive work is the process by
which man's consciousness controls his
existence," he said. "Observe the results of a society built on the principle
of individualism."
The former Pacific Spirit Park is
slotted to become an upscale mall
and strip of exotic car dealerships as
soon as the Faculty of Deforestry has
finished cutting down the trees.
The changes in the housing market
have caused an influx of seniors on
campus. As a result, food outlets now
open at 4 a.m. and close at 4 p.m.
They also serve significantly smaller
portions.
TUNA has attempted to set a
curfew at 6 p.m., but this is currently
unenforced, as no members of the
association are awake at this time to
enforce the curfew.
In defiance of the proposed commute, some students have taken up
residence in international waters. The
bravest have joined the tent communities on the shores of Wrecked Beach,
where run-ins with the Engineers
and feral children from Acadia Park
— bulldozed almost immediately
after the initial takeover — are a
constant concern. • THE ABYSSEY
MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
-a
SAUNDER CONSIDERING
HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF STFU
MARNIE HUNKA
Top Saunder brass are debating
the benefits of franchising their
university model with a hostile
takeover of STFU (Students That
Failed UBC), a nearby university.
The bid would be financed by
the large profits accrued from
first-year students' mandatory
meal plans at Totebag Pork and
Lace Panier. "If we were to go
ahead with this project," said
SSBC President Dean Dan, "money
wouldn't be an issue. Our profit
margins on cafeteria food are
disgustingly high thanks to vague,
unexplained overhead costs."
The STFU campus, President
Dean Dan said, would provide
"THERE'S ALMOST NO
WAY WE CAN MARCH
OUR TROOPS UP THE
HILL IN BUSINESS
DRESS WITHOUT
SIGNIFICANT ARMANI
CASUALTIES.''
-PRESIDENT DEAN DAN
TAKEN WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM SAUNDER BUSINESS SCHOOFRECONAISSANCE DRONE NO. 79OF
Saunder has been using surveillance drones to monitor the STFU campus, located in Bzzrnaby, in preparation for a potential invasion.
many opportunities for increased
cash flow. To reduce expenditure,
current STFU food services will
use SSBC's new "Forest Dining
Plan." This new food service
allows students to swipe their
student cards at the till, and then
scavenge for their own food. For a
small premium, students can rent
tools and weapons to more efficiently hunt and kill the squirrels,
birds and bunnies that inhabit the
surrounding woods.
Due to lack of on-campus
housing, STFU students will
also have the option to sleep
under the stars for the duration
of their studies. Fire-starters,
sleeping bags and other camping
equipment will be made available
for purchase.
Logistically, however, there
is much to consider concerning
strategy for the hostile takeover.
"STFU is situated at the top of
a mountain and is surrounded
by forest. There's almost no way
we can march our troops — er,
students — up the hill in business
dress without significant Armani
casualties," the president said.
Progress on such a takeover
will be halted until Saunder
administration can be sure that
no black leather shoes will be
ruined during the siege. "We're
waiting for the Arts students to
design some sort of business-formal hiking boot," President Dean
Dan revealed.
"The sooner the better." •
FIELD REPORT: ANTHROPOLOGY STUDENTS
ATTEMPT DARING CAMPUS ESCAPE
KRISTOVJOHAN
ARBITER OF FERVENT DISPATCH
The clock-tower-turned-guard station boomed 10, and the group of
Arts students assembled at its base
knew that this was their chance.
The seven of them, former
anthropology students, had been
reduced to a peasant-like existence
under the Saunder regime, collecting metal that could be sold for
scrap. They all agreed it was time
to succumb to the trade industry.
The British Columbia Institute of
Jobs (BCIJ), all the way in Bzzrnaby, was their destination.
The first task was simple. After
their nightly ration of ramen and
PBR, the students gathered the
clip-on ties they had assembled in
order to blend in with SCUM patrols. They needed to sneak out of
their camp outside the chemistry
building through the construction
sites at the bookstore and SUB —
safe havens due to the grime — and
get themselves to the bus loop.
Many expeditions had made
it to the SUB before, but only a
select few had actually made it off
campus. Floodlights surrounded
Maclnnards Field, and SCUM
students guarding the lineup
outside the Pit kept an eye out
for wandering peasants. Only
Saunder students — people dressed
properly — could get out of SSBC
with permission.
BCIJ isn't the only desired
destination for former Arts
students. While the school and
its trades classes are the choice
of many, others have started to
take advantage ofthe 49th Avenue
Skytrain College, which formerly
only attracted students looking to
transfer out of community colleges
while avoiding a real education.
STFU (Students That Failed UBC)
remains a dangerous destination, however, due to Saunder's
rumoured expansion push.
Standing under the shell ofthe
New SUB, the students clipped
on their ties, dusted off their
shirts and started their stroll
across the field. Casual was
key. They strode closer to the
bus loop, talking about the new
Martin Scorsese movie, the New
York Yankees and floating point
averages in an effort to blend in,
and before they knew it, they
were standing at the 25 bus stop.
After 35 minutes of waiting,
the bus finally appeared. The
seven students piled onto the bus,
but the last one, Casey Crowe,
made one crucial mistake: he was
heard to say, "Dah, I'm 35 cents
short."
"A real Saunder student would
know his money!" exclaimed a
suited man at the front ofthe bus,
and that was the beginning ofthe
end for Crowe. While his fellow
Arts students escaped to prosperous jobs, SCUM officers escorted
Crowe back to his cell across
campus, back to the peasant life
of an Arts student, forever.
May God have mercy on his
soul. •
Pictured: Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, which has nothing, to do with this article.
But good Lord, look at him. What a fantastic film. I love The Greattscape.

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