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The Ubyssey Dec 3, 2004

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Friday, December 3, 2004
Volume 86 Issue 24
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Bush declares war on world's playthings
Bouncy balls, yo yos, dominoes: the new enemies of liberty
by Lexicon Pepsi
BEARDED GOAT HERDER
While visiting Ottawa this week, US President George
W. Bush announced the next dramatic step in his war
on terror: stemming the tide of playthings, bemusing
objects and 'finger-fiddlin' time wasters* that currently occupy the spare time and toy trunks of millions of
individuals worldwide.
Prior to his visit Bush was widely criticised for
refusing to address the Canadian Parliament, instead
engaging only in a closed-door session with Canadian
Prime Minister Paul Martin. After the two emerged
from a long, hot, taxpayer-funded Jacuzzi session
Wednesday afternoon, Bush spoke to the press, wearing a bomber jacket over his still-damp towel in honour of the troops fighting in Iraq.
*We are going to stop them. The terrorists. Them,
we're going to stop,* he began with impressive cir-
cuituosity.
The President was joined during the presentation
by Martin. First Lady Laura Bush could not attend as
she was still vacationing in Stepford with all the
other wives.
*Yo-yos are the first that must be eliminated,* Bush
said. *They move up and down, up and down, up and
down. And, sometimes, down and up. No one knows
where they stand.* Bush drew a compelling comparison between the 'movingness* of yo-yos to the inability ofhis former opponent in the Presidential bid, John
Kerry, to take definitive stances on issues.
Bush also pinpointed bouncy balls as playthings
treacherous for their spontaneous tendencies.
'Terrorists use unpredictability as a weapon against
all who love liberty. A terrorist watching a bouncy ball
could learn a lot about how to surprise people.*
To demonstrate, the President then covered his
face with his hands, removed them suddenly, and
yelled'Surprise!*
'And don't get me started on dominoes,* Bush
added. *We all know what happened with the reds in
all those little Asian places.*
Bush outlined the new program, entitled 'Mission
De-Fun,* in detail.
The main carriers of the dangerous playthings, he
explained, are small children, particularly in the three
to nine years age range. At this stage in their lives,
children are very vulnerable to corruptive influences,
the President explained, citing this period as the time
that incited the destructive cocaine habit that mired
his early years in whispered family shame-stories
before his surprising, unwarranted rise to the
Presidency.
The first step of Mission De-Fun will go straight to
the source of the recreational evil, and will involve
random backpack and lunchbox raids in urban elementary schools and daycares.
The next step will serve to aggressively prevent further spread of playthings' pernicious influence. This
step will include auditing the inventory of all toy
stores in America, installing wiretaps in the homes of
the presidents of major toy distributing companies,
and requiring that all plans for new toys be sent to the
Pentagon for approval
'Myself, Don Rumsfeld and, in fact God, all agree
that Mission De-Fun will make Americans safer at
home and...in other places too abroad,* Bush said.
The first toy-raid was conducted yesterday at
Chesterton elementary school in Middlecity, Iowa.
Twenty-five first-graders were ordered to leave their
See'Dyslexia'page 2.
AMS Council meeting
devolves into group
masturbation
by Art Vandelay
SANDCASTLE ARCHITECT
Notorious for their length and lack
of excitement. Alma Mater Society
(AMS) council meetings obtained
a new level of notoriety last
Wednesday evening after the meeting progressed suddenly and unexpectedly into a spectacle of group
masturbation.
'It was progressing just like it
always does,* recalled AMS VP
External Foxy Holcroft 'It all started when yet another disagreement
about tuition between [Arts representative] Joe McCockrin and [AMS
President] Canteena [Stai] arose.
But while Joe was talking, I noticed
that his face was becoming red,
and then he started stuttering and
sweating. And then when he finished arguing, instead of sitting
back smugly like he usually does.
he screamed 'oh yeah!' and started
panting. It was totally weird.*
Unbeknownst to Holcroft at the
time, McCockrin had become so
pleased with the relevance and
delivery of his right-wing rhetoric
that he had begun to manually
pleasure himself under the table.
'Joe is very, very impressed with
himself pretty much all the time,*
commented fellow Arts councilor
Dick G. Davis. 'Sometimes, it even
verges on sexual attraction. Well, I
guess it no longer verges," concluded Davis.
During the argument, McCockrin said he felt the executives
were 'wasting [his] time* with
their 'weak-minded, liberal, pie-in-
the-sky irrelevant panderings*
before managing to incorporate
the    federal    government,    gay
See "Jerk circle" page 2.
Pipernator will help UBG burn
plenty of excess student cash
Monotarvr ach tr\ enAM# frnm rlnrlr tnwjar rach Infarnn
by Dwabie
EMPRESS OF NEWS
The UBC administration has
devised a creative way to deal with
all that excess cash they receive
from students each year—a
massive cash-burning apparatus
called 'the Pipernator.*
Located inside the clock tower
in front of Main Library, this giant
incinerator-like machine will burn
money 'at a very efficient rate*
according to Pennis Devilish, VP
External and Legal Affairs for UBC.
"This device will put UBC on par
with others who burn cash for fun
like the Canadian government and
Michael Jackson,* said Devilish.
The Pipernator is part of the
University's dedication to increase
student debt by 435 per cent by
2010. The machine's cost alone
will raise tuition fees by $3,000
per student next year.
UBC is footing approximately
half the bill for the machine, with
the provincial government stepping in to cover the remainder.
*We are committed to having
the highest most exorbitant student debt level in the country,*
said UBC President Marta Viper.
'With the provincial government
as our partner, we promise that
our students will be the poorest in
Canada by 2010.*
Each day, massive bags of student cash will be deposited into the
Pipernator and blasted with a
superheated flame that will burn at
an amazing 800 degrees celcius,
leaving only a fine, white ash-like
residue. The clock tower's hourly
chime will be replaced by an
hourly *ash-releasing show.*
Ash will spew from the top of
the tower, similar to the steam
clock in Gastown, and will be choreographed to music composed by
Viper herself.
UBC also hopes the ash will
resemble snow in photographs for
their promotional brochures, a
ploy for attracting naive international students who want to
come to Vancouver for its winter
weather.
See 'Pipernator"page 2.
THIS ISSUE;
FEATURE: What is up with
all the little panties?
A study of feminism in this age of
teeny-weeny panties. Ragpe 6-7.
CULTURE: Closer to...
Natalie Portman's bum. Page 9.
EDITORIAL: Scavenge us
some stuff please.
You could have $100 to spend
on magical things. Beige 10.
FEE0BACK@UBYSSEY.BC.GA
WWW.UBYSSEY.BC.GA
:g<VTTC*aylWtW*Ufi^i»»I«BJW«n«*''Wr*'* FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
NEWS
THE UBYSTYLIN'
ClASSIFIEDS
CALL FOR SUBMISSION. WHO?
THE SEED-UBC'S CANADIAN
STUDIES PUBLICATION. What?
Essays, poetry, photography &c printable
media with a Canadian focus. Contact?
taiynm@shaw.ca or
laardmarlin@hotmail.com
CITR PRESENTS A VERY SPECIAL
BENEFIT CONCERT featuring Los
Furios, Kia Kadiri and no luck club plus
a beer garden to raise funds for the
station. Dec 3, 8pm in the SUB
Partyroom and room 205. Tickets
available at Beat Street, Zulu, Scratch,
Red Cat, Noize, and CiTR offices!
Support great local artists, support great
indie radio, and support your right to a
great time! Contact Lydia Masemola for
more information at 604.822.1242 or
cirrmgr@ams.ubc.ca
hiiibH,i*wmnTiTmnmt3Ml
ijnmrnTTTTmii
ADVENTURE! TEACH ENGLISH
WORLDWIDE. Earn $$$. Get TESOL
Certified in 5-days. Study In-class,
Online or by Correspondence. No
Degree or Experience Needed. To learn
more come to a FREE Info Seminar this
Tuesday @ 6pm,# 330, 475 Howe St. 1-
888-270-2941 globaltesol.com
lM_____t__2___S
ESSAY RESEARCH AND
ASSISTANCE. Any subject A to Z.
Highly qualified graduates will help. Toll
free 1-888-345-8295-
www.customessay.com
uy&se
FURNITURE SALE: SATURDAY,
DECEMBER 4, 9 am - 5 pm, #4 - 344
W. 10th avenue. Futon, waterbed, filing
cabinet, entertainment center, bookcases,
TV bedroom chest. Good condition,
good prices. Leaving the province.
omnieer upporiunmes
LITERARY ORG SEEKS
VOLUNTEERS TO READ WITH
KIDS AT CANADA PLACE
CHRISTMAS FAIR, Dec. 12-23 (chose
a day). Contact Jenn. 604-713-5848
frontiercollege02@yahoo.ca
SECURITY POSITIONS ELITE
RETAIL SOLUTIONS HAS
IMMEDIATE FT, PT AND
SEASONAL XMAS UNIFORMED
SECURITY AND UNDERCOVER
LOSS PREVENTION POSITION
available in the Lower Mainland and/or
the Fraser Valley. We're looking for
energetic, fit, and reliable individuals
with flexible schedules. We offer
competitive wages and benefits. Please
fax resumes to: Elite Retail Solutions Inc,
Fax: 604.488.1220 Email:
info@eliteretailsoulutions.com
WEAR ELSE? SALES POSITIONS
PART TIME POSITIONS
AVAILABLE for retail salespersons. An
outgoing personality, a desire to work
with the public and an interest in
Fashion and footwear are qualifications.
Excellent salary & benefits. Positions
available at the 2360 West 4 th Ave., West
Vancouver and Richmond locations.
Apply in person to any Wear Else?
location, fax resume to 604-736-4012, or
e-mail brendae@wearelse.com or call
Brenda 604-739-6800 for info.
ervices
UBC FOOD COOP PRESENTS
SPROUTS, a student run, not for profit
cooperative grocery store. Find snacks,
fresh produce, ready-made- meals, baked
goods and more on the lower level of the
SUB. Open 11-6 Monday to Friday.
UNIVERSITY DRY CLEANERS IN
THE UBC VILLAGE (between
McDonalds and C1BC Bank) Phone
604.228.9414 (on call 24/7) Offers: dry
cleaning, laundry and alterations, free
pick up and delivery service.
xtra-cumcumr
WWW.PRIDEUBC.COM: An AMS
Resource Group for gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgendered students and allies. Visit our j
website for events and info!
________
CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS BLEACH
MAGAZINE. Writing (fiction, literary
Nonfiction, Poetry, Drama — less than 5
pages) Art (Black and White smaller than
8.5 x 5.5 inches)
submissions@bleachmag.com. Deadline:
December 8. www.bleaclimag.com.
:\?i8^
0  Figure Models Needed   0
Focal Point Photography School is looking for figure (nude) models
to work with both our full and part-time classes and students.
Prospective models should have previous modelling experience and
feel comfortable posing for large groups (12 - 16 people). Rate of pay
is $20/hour, with a typical booking of 3 hours. Please reply to Focal
Point with a resume or letter and at least one current photograph.
tel: 604.224.3636
fax: 604.224.4235
email: info@focalpoint.bc.ca
4474 West 10th Ave
Vancouver, BC
V6R 2H9
r *
:< n
Come to the
Ubyssey office
in SUB Room
23 with a can
of food for the
Food Bank to
receive a
complimentary
double-pass to
OCEAN'S TWELVE
Preview
Screening:
Wednesday,
December 8th
at 7:00pm at
Capitol 6
First come, first served.
While quantities last.
iftrcrcaiEnrann
SINGLE FINITE PLANET SEEKING
RESPONSIBLE INHABITANTS.
Ready for a long-term commitment?
Sign the UBC Sustainability Pledge and
explore the possibilities.
www.sustain.ubc.ca/sustainable_ii/
I
CLASSIFIEDS
FOR STUDENTS!
iooklngfor
a roommate?
Got something
to sell?
Oriust naue an
announcement to make?
If you are a student,
you can fnaee
classifieds for FREE!
For more Information,
visit Room 23 in the SUB
(basement] or call 822-1654.
DESTROY MONEY! The Pipernator during the intial stages of her
activation sequence, ubystylin' file photo
Premier inaugurates UBC money blaze
"Pipernator" from page 1.
Viper joined BC Premier Gonzo
Drunkbell for the opening of the
new Pipernator on Wednesday.
Drunkbell had the honour of dumping the very first bag of cash, which
had he pickpocketed from students
walking on campus that afternoon.
*I am honoured to be the first to
participate in what will become a
time-honoured tradition here at this
fine institution,* said Drunkbell,
cutting a ribbon of twenty dollar
bills. "There is nothing I like better
than the smell of burnt money/
♦
AMS Council meeting highly masturbatory
"Jerk circle" from page 1.
marriage, the war in Iraq, and
homeland security into the tuition
debate.
After McCockrin's argument,
Stai replied by accusing him
of being 'oppressive, marginalising, othering,
unequitable, and
unsustainable*
too, and then everyone else started,
and, like, straight up, I all of a sudden stopped feeling grossed out and
just stopped thinking. It was like no
one else was there. It was, like,
straight up, weird.*
UBC Sexual Politics professor Dr
Sharon Gauge
explained that being
subjected to a shocking sexual sight can
instill a sense of
before collapsing den StODDGd feel- numbness and can
into a similar fit. immediately       and
After      that ing grossed out
point,   the   exact -i   •       .      . i
and mst stonned
"Like, straight
up, I all of a sud-
thinking.
details became
even blurrier, but
evidence suggests
that McCockrin
and Stai's actions
put all the councilors into a
stunned state of
shock, preventing
them from thinking rationally. As a
result, mob mentality took control
and all council members present
began to furiously and seemingly
uncontrollably masturbate.
Board of Governors (BoG) representative Ima Screamer provided
one of the more lucid accounts.
'Straight up, when I figured out
what Joe was doing, I was all like
'Straight up, Tm not cool with this,'
but then I saw Canteena doing it
//
—Ima Screamer
Board of Govenors
drastically reduce
one's inhibitions,
especially in high tension situations.
'In situations like
these,* explained
Gauge, 'when you
have an entire room
of frustrated, self-
righteous individuals
in heated debates,
unconsciously they all want to
relieve tension very badly, and
when you decrease the inhibitions
that are preventing them from
doing so in the most direct way possible, well, it's really no surprise
that this happened. I'm actually surprised it didn't happen earlier, for
example when Spencer Keys was a
councilor.*
McCocklin denied having Keys in
mind while pleasuring himself. ♦
Cutting off terror at the root:
Texan asshole identifies specific children's
toys as archetypes for terrorism,
discloses masterplan
"Dyslexia" from page 1.
classroom while five Marines
searched their desks and bags.
*I felt my personal space and my
rights as a citizen of this country
and, indeed, the world, was violated
by this unwarranted and unconstitutional search,* said Warren
Hammill, one of the six-year-olds
whose belongings were searched.
'That bad man broke my Sponge
Bob pencil,* added his classmate
Lara Teetlewuttums.
Prime Minister Martin has been
criticised for refusing to come out
against Bush's new plan, particularly in light of the President's recent
request for Canadian support of US
missile defense.
*WeU...I kind of understand the
whole domino Cold War thing,*
Martin said, while getting a hand
job from Donald Rumsfeld.
'Aaaaah...besides, it's important not to hinder....aaaaah....our
important economic relationship
with the US.
'We depend on them for, like, 70
per cent of our economy. I'm willing to bomb a few dominoes to protect that,* he added. ♦ THE UBYSTYLIN'
NEWS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
3
Kyle McMan: "Dreadlocks
are totally wicked and shit"
VP Admin holds press conference about his hair
MCMAN TAKES HIS HAIR TO THE PUBLIC KYLE MCMAN PHOTO
by Dr. Tre
CPTTHUGCORRESPONDANT
In a startling turn of events, Alma
Mater Society (AMS) Vice President
Administration Kyle McMan formally went on record about his hair.
McMan called a press conference
on the concourse of the SUB to
address the issue.
'My hair, like, seriously rocks,"
explained McMan, while standing
on a chair in the middle of the SUB
holding a piece of paper with 'press
conference here* and an arrow
pointing down scrawled on it with
pencil. 'For real dudes, it's totally
dreaded, and it totally rules.*
During the conference McMan
was accompanied by Moustache
Club founder Chris Ross, who
played bongo drums throughout.
"His hair is beauty personified,
or should I say, haironified* agreed
Ross, who is also dreadlocked.
"There's truth in beauty, man. So
much truth you probably can't even
handle it.  It's, like,  too true for
this world.*
When asked why he felt the need
to publicly come forward with these
assertions, McMan claimed it was
in response to several allegations
that his hair was 'lame/ While
McMan could not recall any specific
examples or individuals, he said he
had 'definitely [been] picking up
some negative vibes* recently in
regards to his hair.
McMan was similarly vague in
his explanation as to how his hair
was a relevant issue to the student
body, or how it related to his job as
the Administrative Vice President of
the AMS. McMan responded by
claiming 'when your hair's this
bodacious, it's pretty much always
relevant to eveiything.*
However, UBC VP Students Brian
Sullivan disagreed and recently
asked Lyle to 'talk about something
other than [his] damn hair* at an
AMS Council meeting. Later in that
same meeting, McMan claimed
Sullivan 'totally left me hanging*
when he abruptly changed the subject from 'the art of dreadlock* back
to bursary scholarships. 'And he
totally never responded to any of my
e-mails that I sent him looking for
feedback on my bitchin' hair,*
added McMan.
McMan plans to hold another
press conference next week 'to
remind the student dudes and
chicks that Tm still totally a v^gan*
just in case any of them have
forgotten. ♦
"We thought he was just napping/7 stunned students said
by Basil Expo
BOOZIE NOOZIE
Students enrolled in Literature
3 9 7K—Existential Realism in
Postmodern Estonian Drama—can
now add "seeing prof die" to
their university experience. On
Monday, mid-way through his four
hour lecture, professor Winston
Tidsleybottom, 99, placed his
forehead on his hand as if
thinking or pausing witnesses
said. But he wasn't moving.
"We just thought he was napping,* said fourth-year student
Alix de von Grud dendorf. It wasn't until students approached the
motionless professor five minutes
later and poked him repeatedly
that the students discovered their
professor was, in fact, deceased.
Second-year student Edward
Nova IX recalled poking Tidsleybottom. "I noticed when I, like,
poked him that he was, like, kinda
cold 'n stuff," said Nova. "Then
when I poked him, like, really hard
he just, like, fell over all of a
sudden."
It was at this point students
knew something was very wrong.
Paramedics who arrived on the
scene were baffled as to the cause
of death.
Ivan Fang, head of the Death-
ology Department at the University of Transylvania, noted one possibility. 'Literature as boring as
Tidsleybottom's can, in fact, substantially lower the heart rate of
ONE OF THESE GUYS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER ONES
anyone discussing it.* This, when
coupled with Tidsley-bottom's
archaic age can yield deadly
results, he noted.
Tidsleybottom's death is being
felt all around UBC campus. Pat
McCrotch, associate professor
of Anthropology, remembers Tidsleybottom's engaging personality. "I actually never had the opportunity to meet him," he said. "Isn't
he from Hogwarts or something?*
he added.
In addition to remembering
Tidsleybottom, many senior professors are learning from the
unfortunate circumstances of his
death. Venerable economics professor, Mike Hunt, said he will
remove all boring readings from
the syllabus to avoid a similar fate.
'Geez, it's scary when you think
about it; I always do that forehead pensive thing," he said. 'If
it    wasn't    for    the    fact    that
I'm four years younger than
Tidsleybottom, I'd probably be
dead again.*
Hunt did note, however, that
removing the boring texts from
his syllabus now leaves him without any readings to assign.
Students in Literature 39 7K are
still shocked and horrified by the
events they witnessed. 'You know,
the more I think about it, it's
kind of funny,* said de von
Gruddendorf. Other students, like
third-year, Hannah Otto, are viewing the situation in a more positive light. "It's tragic...utterly horrible and frightening when I look
back on it,* she uttered.
But the concern of students
runs even deeper as eighth-year
student Aaron Aardvark pointed
out. 'Yeah, like> I wasn't really paying attention when he died or anything,* he said. "Is it going to be on
the final or something?* ♦>
Lost Pegacorn spurs
search
Hundreds of posters went up all
over campus this week, seeking help
in looking for a lost pegacorn.
'It's a half-pegasus/half-uni-
corn,* explained Dr Jeffrey Hel-
mholz, a professor in experimental
zoology and classics. *I really need
it back.*
Seagull recydes bottle,
pigeons envious
In a move that many are hailing as
the 'new era* of eveiything, a seagull flying by a recycle bin dropped a
Poopsi bottle inside it.
*I remember watching it because
I thought it was going to shit on my
head. Bird shit is way worse than
other types of shit because it's so
runny," said Groanpeace student
Saiftha Wails. "But then the bird
casually dropped the bottle into
the bin."
The bottle was immediately
stolen by a student and used as
make-shift bong for a Wreck Beach
bender.
The seagull was unavailable for
comment.
Secret toilets found on
Lions Gate Bridge
Vancouver Police officers discovered two toilets attached to one side
of the Lions Gate Bridge this week.
UBC engineers claimed no
responsibility, but alluded to possible 'Who can crap on the cruise
ship passenger?* competitions that
have allegedly been going on for
several years.
According to staff sergeant
Bobbie Clobber of the VPD, the officers left the toilets there, 'just in
case we need to visit the little boys
room when we're crossing the
bridge. You never know when you'll
need to go."
Secret meeting
conducted transparently
Several weeks of contentious issues
concerning systemic racism, a late
report, and a series of Ubystylin'
opinion pieces were resolved during
a closed portion of Wednesday's
Alma Mater Society (AMS) Council
meeting, and paradoxically, in a
transparent manner.
Council members made various
shapes with their mouths, and gestured in interesting ways for well
over an hour. The windows, as was
noted by various members of the
student press, were indeed transparent
Expanded services for
Middle-Aged white guys
Presumably as part of a generous
round of pre-election spending,
the Liberals have announced an
investment of $10.6 million into
two dozen province-wide centres,
designed to provide support and
services for middle-aged white
guys.
"Frequently, middle-aged men
feel slightly alienated by mainstream culture," explained a press
release from the newly-created
Ministry of Men. "How is a man to
feel secure—and they must, for men
are the backbone of our highly
exploitative economy."
The NDP noted that this was tantamount to fomenting a gender war,
but they were roundly ignored.
hteat Mfcpr's t^rm nanpr a
i    it ■*» "*»• W     a  *   ■ a*w 'w ■     ■»■      ^ *w» u   ■   <•  m      Mr «« Mur  ^m ■       **•
fucking mess
Heat Miser, a third year political science student, is due to fail most of
his courses this term. Even an
International Relations tour de
force, "My Kingdom of Perpetual
Fire: 1914-1933* has been reduced
to a pile of ash.
"Everything I touch,* he sighed,
'starts to melt in my clutch.* ♦
Mothra vs. Martha!
by Mental Ward
ALIEN SPECIALIST, MOTH COLLECTOR
Students voiced widespread concern
Tuesday when Mothra, a giant mothlike space alien, descended to campus and continues to hover above
President Martha
Piper's on-campus
residence.
Scientists,
national and international media,
and an assortment
of lookers-on have
been watching the
angry extraterrestrial since then.
The alien's intentions, obviously,
are unknown.
'It is really scary!* said second
year Arts student Sally Winkerbeans,
captured hve on CNN, and replayed
endlessly as an example of our fearsome intellectual might
Despite the intense media attention, UBC's public affairs office
assured all that "business, co-optation, and the performance of consul-
MOTHRA
tatipn in the pursuit of sustainable
excellence* would continue as usual
during exams, except at the Museum
of Anthropology, which would be
closed.
Discussed at length during AMS
council, Mothra versus Martha was
deemed to be situationally ironic, but
not something one could be for or
against
"I don't think we could have a policy on this," said Quid O'Mallory,
Code and Policies Chair. "Are we supposed to lobby Mothra? Walk it home
safely? All it does is shriek, piercing
my ears with its unearthly howl."
"This is totally weird," said AMS
President Canteena Stai.
To former Radical Beer Faction
Board of Governors candidate Fire
Hydrant, this situation could have
been addressed had it been elected
last January.
"My platform included a policy on
Alien Invasions,* Fire Hydrant
explained. Too bad.*
According to the Wreck Beach
Preservation Society, this is fucking
hilarious. ♦
HH
nm 4       FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
NEWS
THE UBYS1YUN'
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Seating is Limited!
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Deceitiberf 2   /:',:■■ : 4//• /f-7t ■/-■ 9;t:/\ 11 Ani'^jfn^p^S^
I^^^^^M^^^^,
Gmcomo '^l?'ti'ctiM-
Being a student has its
benefits.Like going to the
opera for only 25 bucks.
$25 student rush seats to
Madama Butterfly are
available at athe QE
Theatre December 7 & 9
from 7:00 pm and
December 11 from
1:00 pm. Bring
your I.D.
Aporuorvd by :
m
POLYGON
VANCOUVER
ai
JAMES W.VWIGHXGENERAI DIRECTOR
6 04-2 80-Sill
;W WiVW: t
•■]|ll:.:VVNnini'JtM> /(),,
QHeeTixSliz^
Access to gender-neutral
washroom blocked
Rumours swirl about
intolerant bearded
menace in SUB
by Swab McGiddypants
CONFLICT OF INTEREST EDITOR
Systemic discrimination against a
marginalised group at UBC, or simple circumstance?
That is the question that has
traveled the length and breadth of
campus after a Ubystylin' news editor allegedly blocked access to the
new gender-neutral washroom in
the SUB earlier this week.
"I am outraged by this clear
attack on all decent human beings/
said a fuming Kyle McMan, VP
Administration for the Alma Mater
Society. McMan was the person
who originally proposed that the
washroom be created.
McMan discovered the
impromptu blockade as he was traversing the SUB Thursday afternoon. Ubystylin' news editor Swab
McGiddypants was bent double in
front of the trans-identified washroom, according to McMan.
"It was clear that he wanted to
prevent access/ said McMan. 'All
these people want is a safe space.
Let me tell you, if I didn't have a
place to pull up on my stick, which
I have been doing every day since I
took office, I don't know what I'd do
with myself/
McGiddypants said he did not
intentionally block access.
'I noticed that my shoelace was
untied, so I stooped down to fix
that/ he said. 'I'd say I was in front
of the door for a minute or two/
That was enough time for a
protest to start, however.
'When I looked up there were a
DEMONISE THIS: Editor hates
everyone. Obviously, sue
COOLDOM PHOTO
bunch of people shouting at me,
holding placards that showed my
face next to Hitler's/
McGiddypants said.
Within the next five minutes, 17
letters were sent to the Ubystylin'
office condemning the paper for
promoting 'covert trans-phobia*
and castigating the "heterosexist
assumptions* that underlie editorial policy.
An anonymous source with connections to McGiddypants said that
this fiasco is just the latest in an
'established pattern* of hateful
behaviour.
"I think we need to blow this
into proportion/ the source told
the Ubystylin'. 'Swab has been
strategically demonising minority
groups on campus all year/
When asked to list some of
these groups, the source cited
Pendulum staff members, varsity
football coaches and cute, cuddly
kittens.
'He hates them all/ the source
said. 'Behind that beard is a whole
lotta evil/ ♦
Residence building to be detonated
by Dwabbie
EMPRESS OF NEWS
A residence house at Totem Park
is to be torn down this week after
housing staff members were
unable to rid the building of an
overwhelming odour, which has
persisted for several weeks.
Kwak, one of six houses at
Totem Park, is occupied mainly by
first and second-year students,
some of whom are likely responsible for the problem, said Ted
Tortoise, UBC's head of Housing.
'It smells like a mixture of cat
pee, permanent markers and cabbage/ said Tortoise. 'Those [exple-
tive-ing] kids are so [expletive-ing]
vile/
Staff has attempted extensive
cleaning operations, including
the installation
of 1,600 Glade
plug-ins  and a
'Those [expletive-
ing] kids are so
//
UBC Housing
^thfTou6^ [expletive-ing] vile.
professionals,
but to no avail —
the smeii con- —Ted Tortoise
tinues to plague
Kwak residents.
I     can t
sleep at night/
said Tiffany Patterson, a first year
Arts student. "I am moving to a
sorority, though I was going to do
that anyway because sororities are
so hot right now/
Another  Kwak resident,  who
asked not to be named, said that
he is likely responsible for at least
a portion of the smell.
*I puked in the shower drains
five nights in a row one week/ he
said.
Still, cleaning staff members
were baffled by the smell and
looked into several possible
sources.
'We had a few breakthroughs.
We did find twelve dead fish
behind a refrigerator in one floor
lounge, that was pretty bad/ said
one maintenance worker. 'Dirty
diapers stuck to every door on one
floor, though that might have been
a prank. You never know here/
After giving up, Housing decided to have the building detonated.
A new building will replace it, but
students will be
required to go
through a stringent application
process before
they are permitted to live there.
'Everyone
will need to
demonstrate
tihat they possess basic
hygiene skills
such as knowing
and brush their
how to  shower
teeth/ said Tortoise, adding that
anyone determined to be a 'miscreant' will be sent to live in a new
housing 'tent camp* on Wreck
Beach. ♦ THE UBYSTYLIN'
SPORTS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
<^—"Sh.
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bird droppings
More blood, less dance
In a recent interview, UBC athletics director Frans Hasseldorf proclaimed that UBC would be
brought into the new millenuem
with its inception of full-body contact interpretive dance.
"This gives us a chance to incorporate a little spice into the very
mundane world of interpretive
dance," said Hasseldorf. "UBC is
setting a precedant that other universities are sure to follow."
"Students wanted more blood
so we gave them that. Students
wanted more dance so we gave
them that too." said Hasseldorf.
UBC will being recruiting for
the UBC aussie interpretive dance
team after the holiday break.
"We're like stomp, but more
agro. It's like dance on steriods."
Anne Lee, a UBC grad student agrees with the universities
decision.
"I've been an avid interpretive
dance fan since I was in the
womb," said Lee. "Where do I sign
up so I can break some legs?"
More details to follow after the
winter break. ♦
A chick among the dicks
Bessy the hen challenges the sexual boundaries of
cock fighting and reveals her troubled past
by Dick Pound
JOXTRAP PEDDLER
Bessy isn't like most hens in her
pen. While most hens are getting
knocked up, Bessy is taking the
cock-fighting world by storm.
"I used to lay big fat eggs all the
time but laying eggs is laying eggs,
and there isn't much more to it,"
said Bessy.
Frustated with the sexist exclusivity of the cock-fighting world,
she decided to show them her
worth in the fighting arena.
"Why do two cocks get to play
while a chick and a cock don't?"
said Bessy. "To me that's just them
being a bunch of exclusive dicks."
"I went to a fight and discovered
that these cocks were a bunch of
pansies. They would argue about
which cock was bigger and to me
that wasn't the essence of cock-
fighting. So I entered in the next
tournament as a cock to show them
what cock-fighting was all about."
The world of cock-fighting hasn't been the same since. In her
eight previous fights, Bessy has
been dominant, collecting seven
kills and one disqualification by
egg laying (7-0-1).
"I accidentally laid an egg,"
explained Bessy. "I was like fuckit,
I'm just going to do it so I did.*
It wasn't until that incident that
the rest of the cock-fighting world
finally discovered the truth about
her sex.
"I already fought seven times,
but they failed to notice that I had
tits?" said Bessy. "To me that's just
the cock-fighting world being a
bunch of ignoramouses."
Since then, the Cock-Fighting
Association [CFA] has suspended
Bessy indefinitely. A decision will
be made by the board sometime
after the New Year.
Bernard Longer, spokesperson
for the [CFA], believes that Bessy's
attempt to cross-over into a male-
dominated arena has caused ruffles in the cock-fighting world.
"Before [Bessyl it was simple. It
was mano-a-mano, cock versus
cock," said Longer. "It should be
cock beating a cock not hen beating a cock. Doesn't that make
sense to her?"
There have also been allegations
of steroid use by Bessy, something
which the CFA is also investigating.
Robby Dick, Bessy's trainer was
the first to dismiss this.
"I was horrified that people
would even think that, but I hads to
know the truth,* said Dick. "So I
goes ups to her and I says to her
'Bessy, Dick wants to know, has you
been pounding the juice? Has you
been pounding the juice? Because
if you was, Dicks gonna pound the
juice right out of ya."
Bessy understood why people
would think she was on some type
of j^fqrmance'enhancing drug but
DON'T FOCK WITH ME: Cock-fighting explored dick pound photo
appealed to her fans that she's just
had a troubled past.
"I would pound the cock until
the dead carcus was a bloody pulp
so it looked like I was kind of agro,"
said Bessy. "But in reality, I was
just really angry at my opponents
and ultimately, the world.
In the end, Bessy just wants
acceptance. At whatever cost.
"It's insulting to think that these
cocks think that [hens] can't fight.
I'm going to spit on the next cock
I see." ♦
GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT GOING BROKE!
Find Travel CUTS here...
-* TORONTO FROM S356-BL0CK SPACE DATES
FLIGHTS
Dec 18-jan 3
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rtn from $311 ")
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rtn from $949 ")
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rtn from $967
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We've got the best rates for the best dates to go home already reserved
for you. Drop by your nearest Travel CUTS shop to get your name on a seat.
GREAT STARTER DEALS
r /      Take advantage of these great deals to start your trip right!   \
SYDNEY FREE!* LONDON $49*
; 3 nights hotel, train passes, 2 nights hotel, theater ticket,
and harbour cruise andcitytour
HONOLULU $49*
2 nights hotel in Waikiki
*must be used before Dec 31/04. Airfare and rail/bus pass or tour purchase are required.^/
WESTjET TICKETS WITH WO SERVICE FEES, CASH PAYMENTS ACCEPTED!
Buy Westjet tickets and earn chances to win - visit
www.travelcuts.corn for more details.
CONTIKI DISCOUNTS
PQWNUNPER
Depart before the
end of 2004 on any
Contiki Australia or New Zealand
tour of 8 days or longer
._ and save $100.00	
*'&£■
<y"-.- '''iy'. "~'xi -ja""*..'''' ?&■*;.%'''- *f'y?L ??:x
WW>i
':"<^m
Prices subject to change without notice. Taxes not Included. Dates may vary. Some conditions may apply
UB£^
#Wv^tra^elcu
^ TRAVEL <XnS
Seethe^]^
MMM
mm
l *y- < ■nwir^'fr.TffU-.yv^rri
„ ,u^w--;yg<M?g.'ja * ft****, ?»rww«BWjgw [■ i^i.^;
mm 6
FRIDAY, DECEMBER3*2004
FEATURE
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2004
2138 WESTERN PARKWAY, VANCOUVER
(on Campus, beside Bank of Montreal)
Large Selection of
DVD, VHS & GAMES
for your enjoyment!
Reservations 604-221-^355
Jack Layton is in the Put Pub talking right now
and its soooo weird. Yeah, that's right—Jack
Layton, like the leader of the NDP Party, t
Question 1: Why the PIT? The #1 implies that
was the beginning of a list, but that's really the
only question. Why the PIT? Do you know that
if $ a total dive? Do you? And that you're surrounded by drunk people? Qh, sorry, you're just
"connecting with the youtht \ forgot. Sorry. :f
m
. N.0V E MB E R 11 ■■ —■ J A N U A R,
■■ ff M.':£a.-T.»';e f.-. ■.        '•••1V-.;f''-';'  '
Investors
Croup
COMPLETE WORKS OF
{ABRIDGED}
November- 25 ''^;iAn\u^ry\8"..//-v'.?'■;:
GRANVILLE ISLAND SIVIGE^
STUDENTS SAVE
QNLIhlEAL
SIMPLY SIGfNi UP
SPECIAL CAMPUS
SCREENING
Come to Sub Room 23
to receive a double
pass to see
J3I^A
Preview Screening:
December 7, 7:00pm in
the Norm Theatre
(event #3 to qualify for
the xbox)
►►FUTUR1SH0R
First come, first served.
While quantities last.
~*h
IN THEATRES
DECEMBER 8
THE UBYSTYLIN'
Know your campus characters?: A trusty
To increase UBC's already mind-boggling expertise, the University's Board of Governors has introduced a new, "more inclusive" system of classification:
Super Acronym isation (SA). "UBCs not only award-winners and six-mile-minute sprinters, you know, "said board member Bread Bend it. "What about all the
assholes, jerks and people who just plain don't fit in? They deserve to be recognised too." Below, the Ubystylin' recognises just a few of those characters.
Art by
Joel Libin
Text by
Alix Lisraelf
The HEPSKMP: Honours English
Kafka-Munching Polygot
The FROTCF: Front Row of
the Class Feminist
The PDAC: Public Displays
of Affection Couple
briefcase con
taining novel-
in-progress
about the
modern family as seen by
a nihilist,
feminist fish
that represents Jesus
copies of "A Clockwork Orange" and "Howl" (for emergencies)
Career aspiration: Proust
Actual future job: Medieval Archivist for P0C0 Community College
Can be most often found: Snapping fingers at prophetic homeless person
Catch phrase: "That is so Orwellian..I mean Joyceian...I mean...*
If s/he were a household appliance: Vintage espresso machine
Currently sleeping with: Lacan's complete works (abridged)
Drink of choice: Colt 45 from a Merlot bottle
Secret fear: That everyone understands him
Most prized possession: A sneaker that once belonged to Camus
full-length jacket bought at the Gap just off Red Square
battered boots worn by the hard cobblestones of existence
"Little
Brown Jug"
—Glenn
Miller and his
Orchestra
The EPOSMJP: Elbow Patch On
Smoking Jacket Prof
11
'I love myself today" —Bif Naked
Career aspiration: Gloria Steinem think-alike
Actual future job: Motivational counsellor at Powerdale summer camp for girls
Can be most often found: Screaming at HEPSKMP in class ("you are so suburban")
Catch phrase: 'Ever since I went on that trip to Delphi, my vagina's been my oracle*
If s/he were a household appliance: Coffee-dispensing bust of Adrienne Rich
Currently sleeping with: None of your freaking business I My bed, my business!
Drink of choice: Clamato, to represent power; Vodka, to represent chaos and passion
Secret fear: Coming to class late and having to sit at the back
Most prized possession: These bitchin' boots
Tdon't give a fuuuuck. I don't give a shiiiiiit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit." —Peaches
"We are so
oblivious to all
the repulsed
and uncomfortable people
around us!"
'These boots were made for walkin' "—Gerri Halliwell, Nancy Sinatra
-"IAao/v/S 6>V
elbow patch
another
elbow patch
patterned
socks. Ws^the
little things
that count!
the smoke of once-illustrious career (God the food at those
medieval scholar conventions was good...)
Career aspiration: Non applicable—statis has long set in
Actual future job: EPOSMJP, 1 year older
Can be most often found: In Buchan Office, weeping
Catch phrase: "If only Chaucer were alive today...grumble...*
If s/he were a household appliance: Ashtray that empties automatically
Currently sleeping with: Wife, when she takes down the bed divider
J-SJ. JLLJLXV   \J>A.   V^JUUXO^.    XXXO    ULC4JUL V    XUJJ.OJJ.U.
'R-E-S-P-E-C-T -Aretha Franklin
The FPRP: Frustrated
Poet Rugby PL
The SAS: Social
Awareness Stoner
a tender heart
wilts beneath this
grass-stained
jersey...
ULC4JJLV
m& whiskey
Secret fear: Dying during a lecture
Most prized possession: Smoking jacket (elbow patches are hardcore)
drafts of PhD thesis (still in the works...will change academia forever)
receding hairline. Loss of FPRP's hair due to (a) roughness
of communal showers; (b) uncalled-for hair pulling in
shrums; (c) tugging on roots during aesthetic breakdowns
daffodil rescued from rugby players's thundering hooves...animals
•SINioK&Of
pants too short since wife began refusing to do mending after finding
out about foreign seamstress mistress (I miss you so, dearJuana!)
gorilla
legs
The PSUA: Permanent-Smile
University Administrator
"Free
MumiaL.
and the
whales"
Career aspiration: Keatsian articulator of the modern athletic soul
Actual future job: Following shoulder injury, clerk who writes memos in iambs
Can be most often found: Describing the ruaby ball as a svmbol of re-birth
Catch phrase: "Rugby/I adore thee/You are as unique/As a lime at Orange Julius."
If s/he were a household appliance: A tablesaw that doubles as a bedlight -■-:-'
Currently sleeping with: SUBRKEveryone thinks he's stuck-up, but his soul-
Drink of choice: With buddies-Jagermeister. Alone—Shirley Temples (that little princess)
Secret fear: The daffodil he keeps delicately tucked inside his jockstrap being trampled in a scrum
Most prized possession: Rugby ball signed by ee cummings
The SUBRK:
/MON>S. o^
manhood should be judged by the fervour
of the soul and purity of the spirit
play book. Read diagonally, the symbols spell out clever
parodies of Shakespeare's lesser-known sonnets
SUB Rat King
"lam the Rat
King. Bow before
me. I own the
SUB, you
simpletons."
ear, always
open for
student
input and
potential
slogans
heart too
small, like a
certain Dr
Seuss charac
ter we ail
know
hand open for handshakes, casual cash exchanges for mutual benefit
and any other jobs a hand might do
corporeal botox experiment lab
Career aspiration: Head Publicist, Masturbators for Marta Viper
Actual future job: Head Publicist, Inappreciative Students Inc.
Can be most often found: Screaming at less-disingenuous minions
Catch phrase: "Think about it But don't Just give me your money."
If s/he were a household appliance: Shiny tin alarm clock
Currently sleeping with: Less-disingenuous minion
Drink of choice: Filtered water (3 months of full-body cleanse to go!)
Secret fear: Empassioned logic
Most prized possession: The Perfect Smile Without Botox by Lolly Day
The SPPINM: Student Politics
Pundit-ln-The-Making
every hair combed individually by use
of a monogrammed nail
resume: 27th draft, and counting!
JJL
suspenders
briefcase of dark secrets
J5"!MO»S O**-
the PSUA, like many adults who work in a youth-dominated environment, was
never told that oxblood loafers look too much like (a) knock-off ruby slippers
and (b) the orthopaedic element of an eight-year-old girl's Hallowe'en costume
weak & pathetic targets destroyed: 252, and counting!
Career aspiration: Paul Martin, Jack Layton, Pol Pot..just gimme that gavel
Actual future job: Dictatorial principal of all-boys Catholic school
Can be most often found: Proof-reading resume for typos
Catch phrase: "Shoot for the stars if you want to succeed! It worked for the CIA and Kennedy!'
If s/he were a household appliance:Device that beeps when a grammatical error is made
Currently sleeping with: Alternates between satisfying the references on his resume
Drink of choice: Vital brew of coffee, amphetamines and pure evil
Secret fear: Losing his bow tie, or realising he has no soul
Most prized possession: Master copy ofhis resume he keeps in a locker at the bus station
a tight ass is necessary for every serious politician
3"lfwoi\is bv
bowtie. SPPINM think a snappy look attracts the ladies, but ladies don't like tiny morticians!
The SHAG: Sleeps In
Inappropriate Areas Guy
!
'^JTif not
waking up
for your
satire
rt
<JMvowS OV
li:%'iVtV*fgl|'cg' m
8
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
CULTURE
THE UBYSTYLIN1
ttsm
::& '
&
II
I!
<*..'•-
As MLA for
Vancouver - Point
Grey, I am pleased to
have the opportunity
to wish the students
and faculty of UBC a
happy holiday season.
Please call or drop into my constituency
office ifyou need any assistance with
provincial government matters.
GORDON CAMPBELL, MLA
Vancouver - Point Grey
Tel: (604)-660-3202   Fax: (604)-660-5488
3615 West 4th Avenue, Vancouver, B.C.
gordon.campbell.mla@leg.bc.ca
Do You Suffer
From Acne?
BLU-U
PHOTODYNAMIC
THERAPY IS
THE ANSWER
No Drugs!
No Cream!
P\ , FACIAL
CS*   REJUVENATION CLINIC
www.lacialrejuvenationclinic.com
CALL TODAY FOR A FREE CONSULTATION
604-763-SKIN (7546)
#701-1281 West Georgia St.
Vancouver
#270-6091 Gilbert Rd. Richmond    -':'^H
-'Card-  ■■■■■'■■■
Poker Digest.
.WET
j
Spoonin' n' Slappin'
Artist debut explores the musical sides of silverware
FORKFUCKER
Sean Silver
[Dinnertime! Records]
by Miz Mafia
QUEEN OF All THAT IS CULTURAL
Every few years, an unknown artist
hits the scene and brings a new edgy
sound that stands alone apart from
anything that has ever been musically attempted. Sean Silver has
accomplished that great feat
A musical master in his own
right, Sean Silver, also known as
the Silver Spoon, has done away
with the typically predictable musical aids like drums, bass, guitars-
all of it. This Silver Spoon gets his
name from his instrument of
choice, which also happens to be
his namesake.
The first single off the album, 'I
Don't Know You Anymore* is the
ft  "***'*''25- *,"'!
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.'■■-■:■ **********f**%*** ~^ *•***:%■
■■   ****** *?T2y*     .-':; ****■
****        :-A      ??* SiJl.       *
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perfect introduction to Silver's
edgy, yet sincere, sound. The
spoons collide, bringing a different element to each note. One
spoon is loud and angry, while the
other spoon sits back and takes it
all in, embracing the slap. Starting
out soft and rhythmic, the song
progresses into a harder and louder sound, finally resulting in a
build-up to a climactic apotheosis
of cutlery-induced enlightenment.
Silver ends the song by dropping
the spoons in an exhausted frenzy.
There comes a point when the
spoons just get too hot to even
hold—they gotta be dropped.
Such power, such authority,
such liberation in the sound of the
smash. And the ensuing
tinkle... tinkle.. .tinkle...of truth.
Silver proves he's a versatile
artist, with a sound stripped free of
excess noise. With everything from
metal to aluminum to pop, this
album proves that spoons can do
more than be balanced on your
nose. They're the next big thing ,
since the harp.
Other tracks that will leave you
lying on your bedroom floor, mesmerised by Silver's mastery, are
'Fuck the Fork* and 'Caressing
Curves.*
Silver's music also brings forth
issues that deserve to be put to
music, like racism, and with a
sound this solid, this Silver Spoon
will definitely be moving up to golden ladles sometime very soon. .♦
UBC's administration insults
1
li?
intelligence yex again
Consultation
presented as
musical theatre
By Mental Ward
CRANKY GRAD STUDENT
This reviewer expects little from
a night of theatre—indeed, the
entire art form was ruined for me
by a bad moment in a sweaty and
crowded dressing room in the late
eighties. Theatre's ability to
connect—with an audience, a
moment, whatever—has been
almost entirely co-opted by this
demon 'entertainment' that it's
hard to imagine a play that really
plays—one that screws up your
senses and then dances on
what's left.
I was treated recently to a
sneak peek at a play that will be
produced all over campus next
term: 'Consultation: The Musical.*
Directed by The Administration, it
will be free for all students and
runs at an attention-span perfect
50 minutes
'Basically,* said VP Students
Brain Sullivan, starring as himself, 'We're presenting the tuition
increase in an entertaining way,
and in a sense, we're really taking
the lead from students, who refer
to this process as a tightly-scripted
song-and-dance.*
One song, 'Everything is awesome," features a catchy, humma-
ble  tune  and more  remarkably,
a chorus line of some twenty
dancers dressed as Michelle L'aucoin. Simply staggering, in my
opinion, and a wonderful way to
open.
That said, the show drags at certain points. 'Where does all our
money go?* is a slow and plodding
number, sung in a robotic-voiced
drone, causing even this reviewer to
collapse on the floor and drool. At
'Consultation's* end, however, the
pace quickens and there is some
tension, dissonant oboes hinting at
the possibility of massive injustice,
aggressive violins recalling a tuition freeze, an actor, dressed as
President Pipper, descends from
above, a classic Martha ex machina,
belting out 'Memories.'
♦>
DO IT TO MUSIC Tuituion worth smiling about, nic fensom photo
m
u
I
I THE UBYSTYLIN'
CULTURE
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
9
Closer's closeness to "The Closer" undeniably close
CLOSER
playing Dec 3
by Dr Tre
CPT THUG CORRESPONDS
Closer is the new film by acclaimed director Mike Nichols (The
Graduate, Primary Colors) and it is,
according to its press material, "a
tale of love and heartbreak set in
London." But that's not all! Its press
material also says that "it involves
four people who find themselves in
a romantic tangle."
And while the press material
doesn't actually mention it at any
point, I think it's pretty safe to
assume that this movie is based on
the short-lived sitcom "The Closer*
which starred Tom Selleck as a
lawyer who was really good at "closing" deals.
So, apparentlyJude Law is in love
with Julia Roberts (in the movie, at
least). But then Jude Law discovers a
stripper, played by Natalie Portman,
who's a total fox. Then Jude Law
bones the stripper and apparently
Julia Roberts gets really mad about
it But Natalie Portman has this
boyfriend, Clive Owen, who's totally
pissed too. And apparently Jude Law
is a big jerk in the movie, and he's a
total asshole to Clive Owen and is
always saying stuff like "I boned
your girlfriend, Clive Owen!"
Ok, so the line "I boned your girl
friend, Clive Owen!" wasn't in the
press material, that's just something
that I thought would be funny if you
imagine Jude Law saying it Another
line that's funny is, "You don't know
Jack!" It's funny because it was the
chorus of the theme song to "The
Closer" and Tom Selleck's character
was named Jack McLaren.
Furthermore, Natalie Portman
sports a pink wig in the ads and in
several interviews confirmed that
she would appear topless. I've wanted to see Natalie Portman's jugs
ever since she was in Star Wars
Episode I. And, yes, I know she was
only fifteen in that movie, but I was
only fifteen when I saw it, so it wasn't gross! But now Natalie Portman
is 23, so it's not gross to want to see
them no matter how old you are!
Natalie Portman was also in the
movie Garden State. I haven't seen
Garden State, but judging by its title,
it's probably about some sort of
megalomaniacal supervillain called
The Gardener who vanquishes all of
the world's powers and governments and places the entire world
under a single regime (a State, if you
will) in which humans are slaves
to plants.
In conclusion, I heartily recommend this movie to anyone looking
for an update and an expansion on
the ideas brought to the table by
1998's "The Closer." Additionally, I
also recommend this movie if you
are interested in seeing what Sony
pictures calls "a bitingly funny and
honest look at modern relationships" and/or Natalie Portman's
breasts and bum. ♦
Art show leaves critic feeling up the dark
Power outage wreaks
havoc at local production
by Mega Gygolo
UBYSSEY WENCH
Ouch! What was that? Was that
someone's foot? Oh, sorry, Cripes,
it's dark in here...No, wait, the paintings are really good, just wait 'til I
tell you about it! Ow! Augh!
Stop...augh...what keeps bumping
into me? Wait? Is that wet?...Never
mind...
Yeah, so...these paintings are by
Jose Cuervo. He's a third year transfer student from the University of
Mexico...I've got his bio somewhere
here in my bag...never mind. Damn.
When are they turning these fucking lights backs on?
Anyway, so, his art. It's in this
room with me. The show's called
"La Vida Loca" and it's at the Belkin
Art Gallery. Wait, I read some of that
bio earlier. Yeah, so Jose grew up
somewhere in the deserts of Mexico
(or was it New Mexico?...never
mind). Anyway, through his hard
work and determination and stuff
he was able to overcome the tragic
events of his childhood. I'm pretty
sure it said his parents died of a
rare disease transferred by a genetically-engineered desert cactus.
Wait., maybe that was someone
else. Forget I said that
AUGGGGGGHHH! Sony, I just
totally bashed my knee on something. I hope that smashing, splintering sound didn't involve any of
Jose's beautiful Mexican pottery. Oh
God. Time to move over to the other
side of the room. Umph. Augh.
Umph. Why are there so many people here? Good Christ.
Yeah, so, Jose was shaped by lots
of profound experiences. And he
only uses oil based paints, charcoals, water colours, pencil, pastels,
paper clips, infra-red sensitive ink
and on occasion clay for his art, so
he's really minimalist.
Too bad that just as I was gazing
at this totally rad, extraordinary
painting of a sombrero the entire
room went dark. At first I thought
it was some crazee postmodern
things, but now it's getting old. And
my knees hurt.
OUCH! Goddamn... ceremonial...copper...vases...
Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm
moving my hands across this work...I
think it's clay and paint and something smooth and warm...wow...inter-
active art! That's totally cool! Ahh.
Uggghh. Augggh.
"WHOA! DON'T TOUCH ME
THERE!"
[Rapid running to opposite side
of room.]
Jeez, I have to say that that guy
was pretty rude. Not my fault I
thought he was a sculpture. So
much for the natural beauty of the
human body. Asshole...
I guess I'll just stand here in this
corner for a while. Maybe someone
will turn on a cigarette lighter soon.
I wish I were a cigarette lighter.
Uh so ya, go see the show or
something. ♦
student leaders
Student Leadership Conference 2005
January 7-8,2005
Registration: $20 (deadline: Dec. 22/04)
Presented by UBC and the AMS
The theme of this year's Student Leadership
Conference is "Ripples of Change" and focuses
on encouraging collaboration, networking, and
the sharing of resources and experiences
among student leaders.
Open to all students and groups from across
campus, there will also be keynote speakers,
interactive workshops, and a Leadership
Opportunities Fair for those looking for ways to
be more involved in campus and community
organizations. For more details, visit
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/slc.
meet the subcultures muralist
AMS Discussion Forums on the Subcultures Mural Project
Thursday, Dec. 2 - 6 pm to 7 pm / Friday, Dec. 3-1 pm to 2 pm / Monday, Dec. 6 - 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm
@ the Conversation Pit in SUB
The AMS is pleased to announce that Heather Passmore, a MFA student at UBC, has been selected to work on the
SUBCultures Mural Project. Students and faculty are invited to participate in the AMS Discussion Forums to discuss
the vision of the mural and how it can best address cultural awareness, tolerance, diversity, and inclusivity.
The Discussion Forums will be facilitated by the muralist and the AMS, with the support of the AMS Art Gallery
Committee, the Vandalism Task Force Committee and UBC Campus and Community Planning. Visit
http://www.ams.ubc.ca for more details.
1
/
other events
CiTR Special Benefit Concert
Friday, Dec. 3 @ 8 pm, SUB Partyroom
Featuring Los Furios, Kia Kadiri & no luck club.
Tickets are $8 at Beat Street, Zulu, Scratch, Red
Cat, Noize and the CiTr Office. More details at
http://www.citr.ca.
Comedy Show
Tuesday, Jan. 4 @ 8 pm, Norm Theatre
When you come back in January, be on the
lookout for Welcome Back Events brought to you
by the AMS! First up: a comedy show featuring
Vancouver's best stand-up comedians. More
details in late-December on the AMS website!
holiday hours.
V,
Please note holiday hours for the following
operations in the SUB:
Closed from Dec. 13 to Jan. 5
Norm Theatre (no films, although venue may be
used for other events)
Closed from Dec. 18 to Jan. 3
Gallery Lounge Snack Attack
The Moon The Pendulum
Closed from Dec. 22 to Jan. 3
Bernoulli's Bagels Burger Bar
CopyRight Honour Roll
Pie R Squared The Pit
Closed from Dec. 23 to Jan. 3
SUB Arcade AMS Business Office
I
/
—t— ams nominal ions.
Elections will be held in January 2005 for the following       |
AMS Executive positions: President of the AMS, Vice-
President External, Vice-President Administration, Vice-
President Finance and Vice-President Academic.
Elections will be held simultaneously for student
representatives to the Board of Governors of UBC (2
positions) and for the Senate (5 positions).
Nominations for candidates open November 29,2004
and close at 4 pm on January 7,2005. Nomination
forms can be picked up from and returned to SUB Room
238 and 218.
For more information, e-mail the Elections Administrator
at e!ections@ams.ubc.ca. Voting takes place January
17-21,2005.
J 10
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
EDITORIAL
THE UBYSTYLIN'
&--■'
THE UBYSSEY
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
VOLUME 86 ISSUE 24
EDITORIAL BOARD
THE CRAZY ONE THAT YELLS
Jesse Marchand
PAPARAZZI
Sarah Bourdon
Dan McRoberts
OFFICIAL PILOT
Ania Mafi
SENIOR JANITOR
Eric Szeto
WIZARD WITH A BLENDER
Alex Leslie
STYLIST
Nic Fensom
KINGS OF CARROT FLOWERS
Paul Carr
Michelle Mayne
COORDINATORS
CULINARY DELIGHTS
Carrie Robinson
OFFICE ROMANCE
Paul Evans
THE UBYSTYLIN'
Alex Leslie
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of
British Columbia It is published every Tuesday and Friday by The
Ubyssey Publications Society.
We are an autonomous, democratically run student organisation,
and all students are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the
expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the
views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of
British Columbia.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The
Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and
artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the
expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include your
phone number, student number and signature (not for publication)
as well as your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be
cheeked when submissions are dropped off at the editorial office of
The Ubyssey, otherwise verification will be done by phone.
"Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750
words and are run according to space.
"Freestyles" are opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members.
Priority will be given to letters and perspectives over freestyles
unless the latter is time sensitiva Opinion pieces will not be run
until the identity of the writer has been verified.
77ie Ubyssey reserves the right to edit submissions for length and
clarity.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will
not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS shall not be
responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not
lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca
e-mail: feedback@ubyssey.bc.ca
BUSINESS OFFICE
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.bc.ca
MUSHROOM
Fernie Pereira
RAM STATUE POLISHER
Dave Gaertner
KEEPER OF THE FLIES
Shalene Takara
Jack Layton was late, in bed. Very late, in bed. Jesse Marchand
frowned at her watch as she clipped her toenails in anger into a
vat of beer, in bed. Suddenly Paul Carr jumped into the beer and
bathed himself in toenails before unzipping his pants, in bed.
Ania Mafi pulled on Sarah Bourdon's hair, in bed. Meanwhile,
Dan McRoberts was confessing to Nic Fensom his own desire,
in bed. Jack Layton was still late, in bed. Eric Szeto was so good,
in bed. Alex Leslie told us so, in bed. Kaiyn Ward had been writing Layton letter for months, in bed. "Yes I would like more info
about the NDP in my community," Liz Green said orgasmicaly,
in bed. Jack Layton didn't disappoint us, in bed. "Waitl He gets
a hug? I want a hugl" said Carrie Robinson, in bed. Paul Evans
ran from the office, back into the Pit where he met Claudia Ii
for a rendezvous, in bed. "I'm getting a button," siad Jenn
Cameron, in bed. Greg Ursic circulated the venue, thinking
about Trevor Gilks, in bed.Joel Libin thouroughh/ enjoyed meet-
ingjack Layton, in bed.
Canadian
Universiiy
Press
C*nada Post Sales Agr**mant Number 0040878022
The Scavenger hunt!
It's time for the Ubyssey annual scavenger
hunt. Keep in mind that this is for real and the
prize is a whopping $100, seriously. You
should enter. Bring your findings in on Friday,
January 7 between noon and 5pm, the person with the most points tallied wins.
Remember, the Ubyssey doesn't promote
stealing, but we reserve the right to keep or
publish anything you bring.
•"A helmet for a mouse (150 points)
•"Martha Piper's actual underwear (2,000 points
if you can prove it's hers)
•"One of your baby teeth (50 points)
•"A copy of The Point, mistakes corrected (30
points)
•"A picture of you burning the Point in front of
their office (250 points)
•"Your mom (200 points)
•"A picture of you with Martha Piper (300 points)
•"A picture of you naked in Koerner library (500
points)
•"A UBC transcript from the 1990's (200 points)
•"A Campus Security jacket (350 points)
•"A Campus Security constable wearing said jacket (500 points)
•"The same Campus Security constable wearing
the jacket but no pants (1,000 points)
•"A game-worn jersey from any one of UBC's varsity athletes (150 points)
•"Game worn shorts from the same athlete (500
points)
•"A photo of you on top of Buchanan Tower (75
points)
•"A photo of you on top of the Clocktower (300
points)
•"A photo of your mom on top of the Clocktower,
reading the Ubyssey (1500 points)
•"A receipt from the UBC Bookstore totaling more
than $800 (200 points)
•"A receipt from the Village liquor store totaling
over $200 (300 points)
•"A handwritten note from Lome Whitehead,
UBC VP Academic, excusing you from class (600
points)
•"A photo of UBC basketball player Karlo
Villanueva standing beside UBC volleyballer Hans
Doef(300points)
•"Five (5) parking tickets from UBC parking (200
points)
•"If all these tickets are unpaid (400 points)
•"An audiotape conversation between yourself
and VP Students Brian Sullivan (200 points)
•"If you ask Sullivan to "pull your finger" during
the course of said conversation (500 points)
•"A pirate hat made out of the Ubyssey (80 points)
•"An entire pirate costume made out of the
Ubyssey(600 points)
•"A photo of you attending class in this costume
(1,250 points)
•"A photo of any AMS executive when they were
in elementary school (500 points)
•"Photos of all five AMS execs when they were in
elementary school (3,000 points)
•"A poem of at least fifteen lines outlining the
virtues of the Ubyssey (400 points)
•"Three words—ice cream cake (200 points)
•"A photo of an AMS executive covered in ice
cream cake (1000 points)
•"The home phone number of UBC VP Research
Indira Samarasekara (250 points)
•"A limerick starting with the line "There once
was a lady named Samarasekara" (300 points)
•"Copies of eveiy issue of the Ubyssey published
this year (200 points)
•"A papier mache sculpture made from copies of
the Ubyssey (500 points)
•"A photo of you presenting the creation to
Martha Piper (750 points)
•"An audiotape of sixteen different people laughing (400 points)
•"Photo of Snack Attack guy checking if $5 bill is
counterfeit (100 points)
•"Photo of AMS VP Finance Stacey Chiu burning
$5 bill (500 points)
•"Sing "Sexual Healing" to  Ubyssey staff (150
points)
LETTERS
•"Sing   "Sexual   Healing"   to   AMS   VP   Lyle
McMahon in the Ubyssey office (400 points)
•"Sing "Sexual Healing" at AMS Council meeting
in Januaiy and film it (4,000 points)
•"A copy of you starring in a porn film, with a plot
(2,000 points)
•"A mop and bucket (100 points)
•"Empty blade garbage bags (50 points per bag)
•"A pair of size 15 shoes (100 points)
•"A book about serial killers (30 points)
•"A tape of every episode of America's Next Top
Model (100 points)
•"An iguana (100 points)
•"A picture of Jack Layton with a beer (100 points)
•"A pony (20,000 points)
•"A handheld fan (30 points)
•"A pair of size nine Manolo Blaniks (1,500
points)
•"A small clipping of Martha Piper's hair (1,000
points)
•"Powdered oxide of chromium (50 points)
•"The biggest block of cheese you can find (100
points)
•"A 2010 Olympic Flag (Full Size) (1,000 points)
•"A picture of you and Ben Affleck (200 points)
•"Autographed picture  of Elizabeth Berkley
(cmon!) (200 points)
•"A Sunshine Bear keychain (5, 000 points)
•"A signed affidavit from the AMS stating that the
Ubyssey is in fact, not racist (5,000 points)
•"A$l bin (50 points)
•"A $2 bill (50 points)
•"A tie-dye T-shirt (20 points)
•"A spare-tire (100 points)
•"A Ronald McDonald figurine (50 points)
•"A George Bush action figure (500 points)
•"One of Lyle McMahon's dreadlocks (500 points)
•"A Bong (we need one) (500 points if it's loaded
and ready to go)
•"Heroin (30 points)
•"An unused condom from 1959 (1,000 points)
•"The lunchbox stolen fron Alex in '94 (50, 000
points)
•"A Tickle-me-Elmo doll (50 points)
•"A plastic neon visor (10 points)
•"A brand new recycling bin that doesn't smell
bad (200 points)
•"A bag of green apples (50 points)
•"Dan McRoberts' beard shaved off into a bag
(250 points)
•"A picture of you with Jack Layton in the Pit (100
points)
•^ A huge bouquet of white lilies (50 points)
•"A picture of Jack Layton keg-standing (600
points)
■^A full keg for the Ubyssey staff (2,000 points)
Advice by the Letters Section of the Ubyssey I Marrv me shatner
Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey,
There is a boy in my Anthropology
class that I really like, but he doesn't
notice me! I don't have the courage
to talk to him myself. What should I
do?
—Can't Look At Sexy Student
Dear CLASS,
It was veiy disheartening to read
the recent article "Students expelled
from student union property"
regarding the Langara Students!
Union's (LSU) arbitrary and dracon-
ian act of banning two young
women students from the Langara
Student Union Building.
It was plainly obvious on reading this article that the author had
not given the story of these two students any credence whatsoever.
Women still struggle against sexism in our society. This article does
not further this struggle; in fact, it
only serves to perpetuate sexist and
ageist attitudes. When women complain of sexist behaviour in any
milieu they deserve to have these
complaints taken seriously. That is
all Kira and Nicole have ever asked
for throughout this ordeal.
Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey,
I really love playing water polo, but
the only times it's on in the UBC
Aquatics Centre are during my
math class. If I skip my math class
to play, will I be able to do well in
the course?
—Surely Water Intersects with
Math
Dear SWIM,
The two articles in last
Tuesday's Ubyssey addressing
Brenda Ogembo's leave for Kenya
are testament to ongoing unad-
dressed issues of systemic discrimination faced by First Nations and
people of colour, women, those
with disabilities, and GLBTQI folk
on campus. Systemic discrimination manifests in differential treatment given to particular groups
through apparently neutral rules,
policies and procedures. It is the
targeting of the marginalised, coupled with higher demands for pro
ductivity and lower expectations of
ability than those that are applied
to white students.
Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey,
My girlfriend left me because we
kept fighting over the stupidest
things. One time, she told me she
wasn't talking to me anymore
because I said I didn't like Spam.
—Fights Remain Energetic and
Stupidly Hot
Bear FRESH.
Please endeavour to refrain
from directing any criticism you
have about AMS Safety's role
towards me. I worked to act in an
impartial way given the results of
the feedback table, and took extra
precaution to separate the safety
concerns from any disposition, pro-
or anti-display. AMS Council will be
changing the policy in question to
more accurately define the position
of the society; that might easy your
troubled mind. This ain't a matter
of superimposin' my feelings
nowhere. ♦
William  Shatner  is  a  comedic
genius.
— William Shatner, comedic
genius
You're a jerk
I am writing in response to your
comments to me in the office last
week. I am most certainly not a
baby killer and insurgents really
are people. I would just like to say
"kiss my ass, you rat bastard. PS,
you're a jerk."
■Alix
No you are
I am writing in reponse to the
above letter. No. You are the jerk.
Insurgents are not people. So stick
a fork in your ass because your
retorts are so done; PS. I've never
seen such poor writing since your
mother wrote me those love
poems in high school.
—Swabbie
im
x%
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.ft
I
I
"a
1 THE UBYSTYUN'
OPINION
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004
11
V
I love when you talk
about your classes!
by Simone Underpants
Perhaps we've only just met, or
maybe we've been friends for ages.
Either way, familiarity is not the issue
here. It's about fraternity: if you've got
something you need to get off your
chest I'm all ears, brother. I can see
you've got something you want to say.
And I think I have a pretty good idea
what it is. It's like you've wrapped
yourself in shiny paper like a
Christmas present and I can't wait to
pull the string. But here goes!
I love to hear you talk about
your classes! Truly, madly, deeply.
Sometimes I think I'm so caught up
in your academic plight that I forget I
have a student number myself.
Whether we're stuck for conversation
at a party, right at the climax of
America's Next Top Model, or across
the aisle on the B-line when I'm catching up on my Tyra-mail, I'll be the
Lucy to your Charlie Brown, baby.
You can write me a letter, you can tell
me on the phone, you can yell it at the
urinal and 111 nod sympathetically
from the stall. Ill 7even waive the
five-cent fee!
Let's start with your schedule.
You'd better begin with how many
classes you are taking. For sure, four
classes is really just as hard as five.
Now, is that a three-credit or a six-
credit course? Both terms? I'm ecstatic! That means we can talk about existentialism the entire year! The teacher
just came arrived from where? Is that
an Ivy-League school? Sounds difficult Maybe you can make photocopies of your syllabi so I can synchronise my own stress accordingly.
Really, I think we should to go through
this together.
I have my own vested interests, of
course. How can I put this: your riveting summary of Said is the spread on
my morning muffin! Your brilliant re-
envisioning of genre theory should
come with a price tag! I can't believe
I've been reading Star magazine ail
this time without ever considering it
as a cultural artifact Who but you
could point out that Lindsay Lohan's
breasts are so loaded? Here I
am thinking about bunnies and
astropacks while you sit with your
day-planner freshly inked. Thanks for
keeping my eyes on your prize.
Because without your vigilance, I
would have never known about all the
scholarships available if you hadn't
listed the deadline dates after they
had passed. Nor would I have any
idea that getting into Grad school
could be so difficult! You really are so
lucky that the honours program is a
free ticket But get out of town! Forty
pages! It simply can't be done! Sitting
in a chair for twelve is rough, oh, I definitely concur. Honestly, I can't understand what sweatshop workers have
to complain about! At least they get to
stand up and time-motion I'm sure
we're both going to get carpal tunnel
in these conditions. And dammit, you
needed those frappuccinos and don't
let anyone tell you otherwise!
Wait you brought your laptop over
to my house! Fantastic! Please, do
pause with the bong as you elucidate
upon historical materialism. With the
smoke circulating artfully as you gesticulate, you're a dead ringer for
Walter Benjamin! And I'd love to edit
your paper. Isn't it incredible how
many essays can be written with the
very same books?
Listen, my heart is true; I'm a pal
and a confidant So when you start
masturbating to your clever thesis
topic, I'll be right there with you, wide-
eyed and mopping up with the
Kleenex. Thanks for letting me set that
straight And don't worry about the
exams. You're going to do fine. ♦
Streeters
What did you think of the
recent GAP display?
"Speaking seriously here, how about
a 32 foot buffer zone around my ex-
boyfriend's penis?"
—Pen Ishater, PHD in Women's
Studies
"Again? Man, that GAP shit is tired.
Isn't this whole thing, like, so five
years ago?"
—Eatsold Gumunder-Table, Arts 9
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"I'm so stressed with exams that the
whole thing just made me want to
abort myself."
—Pola Bare, Psychology 1
"As a homosexual male, I think
women are the only ones who
should be messing around with
vaginas."
—Andrew Onme, Political Science
hopeful
"Oh, I must have missed that one.
Things were really happening at the
Lancome booth."
—Miss Ingmabrain, Daughter of
rich parents.
"At least we can be thankful that
George W. Bush is in office to
expressly protect our freedom. I
mean what's all the fuss about? The
man is all about freedom."
—Louis Mashorts, Science 3
How to win an argument with one word
by Eval Hitlernamer
When one finds oneself in a conversation among intellectuals, showing
one's intellectual prowess is paramount When debating a hot topic, it
is useful to have a few handy tips to
sway the argument in one's favour.
The most optimal way to do this is to
find a way to compare one's opponent to Adolf Hitler. It may be surprising but almost any subject or
opponent can be compared to Hitler.
Adding Hitter to your debating skills
is both easy and fun. Consider the following example to see how Hitier can
be added with ease.
The argument "I just don't like
puppies, their noses are too wet"
The rebuttal: "Hitler didn't like
puppies either."
It is obvious how easily the argument was swayed in favour of speaker number two. In the case of debate,
another helpful tip is to insert random factoids into your argument
Consider the following.
The argument "Abortion is wrong
and should
be abolished."
The rebuttal: "You know
who else abolished things?
Hitler. He was
born in 1889."
If you
don't have
any factoids
ready, ask
your opponent questions to throw them off. Their
answers may help you find a way to
work Hider into your argument.
The argument "Marijuana should not be legalised."
The rebuttal part one: "Do you
have any Maria's in your family?"
The response: "Yes."
The rebuttal part two. "So did
Hitler."
HITLER
From the three examples graciously provided already, it becomes apparent how easily the
mention of Hitler will stop any
opponent dead in their tracks and
shaking his or head in the disbelief
of their defeat.
Using Hitler does not always
have to counteract an argument,
however, it can also reinforce it.
The argument. "I will never buy
my daughter an Easy-Bake Oven,
they only increase stereotypes of
having women in the kitchen."
The reinforcement. "I agree.
Hitter had an oven and look what he
did with it."
Politicians can also use Hider
to help demoralise his or her—
although if it is a politician it is most
likely a him—opponent A good tactic is to take the name of one's opponent and spray paint it onto a building equating it with Hider. For example, "Paul Martin=Hitier." No other
words are necessary to explain your
comparison. Someone or something
either is or is not,
like Hitier.
Adding Hitler to your conversation is also an excellent way to end
a boring conversation, all the while
lording your superior knowledge
over your insignificant friends.
Consider the following.
The conversation: "So my essay
thesis is going to be how Buffy the
Vampire Slayer is subverting religion and becoming a religious icon
all on its own."
The response. "That reminds me
of Hitier. Some people considered
him to be a god."
As it has now been most excel-
lendy shown, adding Hitier to any
argument is not only a sure-fire winning strategy but also a whimsical
antidote. Watch for next week's
installment of "How to win an argument: Comparing one's opponent to
George Bush," who, coidcidentally,
is also like Hider. ♦
Ask Dr Raoul I Hunter S. Thompson gives medical advice
Editor's Note: Renowned journalist and cultural icon Hunter S.
Thompson recendy graciously broke
with his reclusive and cantankerous
habitudes in order to respond to a
reader's letter with his personal
brand of advice. The advice was not
necessarily solicited on our part
and, to be honest, we're not really
sure why he wrote this. In any case,
here it is. Our printing of this has
nothing to do with the fact that the
aforementioned Hunter S.
Thompson may or may not be currently outside the office with
Brearms and liquor. That is all.
Dear Dr Gonzo,
I've been sick for three days now:
high temperature, bad cough, congestion and an itchy rash on my
neck. My GP says the only thing that
will help me is some bed rest But I
can't stay home sick! I've got too
much to do! Can you prescribe any
alternative treatments?
J. Shmo, New Jersey
Dear Mr Shmo,
Well, if you've got a fever, then
the only prescription is.. Just joking.
Let's talk person to person like the
rational human beings we both
know we are. You may believe, you
pathetically misguided soul, that
treating a stuffy nose and a phlegm-
coated cough will heal you, but there
is a much more terrifying disease
eating away at your existence like so
much  ravenous  flesh-consuming
bacteria. You've got to break out of
the mental slavery that has you
chained to your work, so much so
that you can't even recognise the
somatic rebellion your body has
unleashed upon you. Your cells have
rallied up the troops and are staging
a revolution against the forces that
be, the only way they know how,
with angry mucous and impatient
fatigue. They wait silentiy for you to
free them, and it is up to you to
make the right choice. The only
choice.
So here's my prescription: The
first step is to approach your local
gonzo pharmacist for treatment.
Unlike the mind-controlling fascist
pill-pushers who loom above you
with their insect eyes at Safeway,
gonzo pharmacists are shape-shifters and, like the underground freedom-fighters who fought for the
Resistance before them, they,take on
unassuming forms, helping only the
kindred spirits who recognise them.
So you must open your eyes. Each
pharmacist specialises in a specific
ailment, and are often closer to you
than you may think. For your specific case, I suggest approaching that
co-worker in your workplace with
the inexplicable productivity, the
sweeping energy and the twitching
smile. Look him straight in the eye.
He'll see your pain and will save
you. He will most likely take you to
the bathroom where he will give you
what you are looking for (make sure
it's not lithium—if it is then save that
for later). Take home your newfound treasure and prepare for Your
Release.
Uppers are a tricky breed: they
can not only cure you from your
helplessness, but they'll soon convince you that you can do anything '
ANYTHING indeed. Run with it, you
will amaze yourself with how fast
you'll go. Until your eyes tear, until
your skin blisters. Faster, faster,
round and round! The thrill of speed
will drive your adrenaline like a
monstrous demon at the wheel of a
tired, broken Pinto.
Until the crash. The point when
you realise that you've broken your
boss's face, robbed a Seven-Eleven
but lost all the cash when you fell off
the motorbike you were riding and
rolled into a ditch. The point when
the pigs pull up beside you with
their flashing red and blue, and your
face hits the grid between the driver
and the passenger seat
And once you hit that point, you
poor sucker, I have a feeling your
piffling cold will be the least of your
problems. '♦■'■. m*"*
X^'^jX:JS.:A
"""'■:pjSiife..a$3iS
^x:::.^J^x- -pr^xxp-0/iX: -r-xx
■ 'a*-v:'""f f/^iife^f j>**v"f"; ■ - ■
f;'fff;SS£'i» fl:isiiS£l"*
..^V.^?'T;
sSS%%-ioh--<;
sfiSSSSf...
AND DRIVE. CALL 1-888-TAXIGUY.
1-88S-TAXIGITY.
W*«^^WSS
J-tft-J:

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