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The Ubyssey Apr 1, 2013

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Array A
1
BIGGEST
EVER!
^«
PRORLES OF SCHOOLS
• Top school
• Addiction
• Theinsidescoopon
internships
• Updated rankings
AND MORE...  WELCOME / TABLE OF CONTENTS
CONTENTS
4 From the publisher
I: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
6   UBC is top of the class The University of British Columbia is the
top-ranked university in Canada — find out why.
8   Taking the grad school plunge Want to avoid entering the real
world as long as possible? Consider pursuing a second degree.
11 Mascot showdown Which university's mascot would win in a no-
holds-barred fight to the death? The answer might surprise you.
12 Cyber party sex binge Official grown-ups agree: the drugs kids do
today are much worse than the ones they did.
15 Interns make it work Jobs are hard to come by these days. Luckily,
there are plenty of employers willing to let you work for free.
II: THE RANKINGS
18 The results are in Sure, we wrote some other articles, but we all
know the real reason you're reading this.
21 Gratuitous nudity Charts and graphs are great, but nothing sells
magazines like naked co-eds.
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  3 LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER MACLEARlfS
I think we can all agree that universities are a pretty good thing, as societal institutions go. Sometimes, societal institutions do things we're
not fond of— they make poor decisions with our money or prevent
us from fully exploiting the natural bounty of this great country. But
not universities.
Universities provide great benefits to the Individual and Society. Of
course, universities can become hangouts for a variety of pinkos and
socialists, but on balance, we are doing a good job of rooting out these
kinds of undesirables. Now, the collective brainpower ofthe university
is being harnessed for the good of Industry and Economic Development.
If you're graduating from high school, you might be wondering how
best to apply your skills in service ofthe Great Canadian Project. Ifyou
are of means, you are likely considering a University or a College. To
you we say, Bang On! But you must realize: it is very important that
you choose the right institution.
Through the right mix of scholarship and inquiry, it is possible to
determine what makes one university better than another. For example,
some universities offer rigorous academic programs, thus better preparing graduates for success in Business and Industry. Others provide
superior environments for the sort of good-natured japery that defines
college life. And we have discovered, through the use of advanced survey technology, that some current Undergraduates have no great love
for their Alma Mater. Get us out of here, they say!
To those unhappy scholars, we can naught but cluck our tongues.
If only they had read the periodical you now hold in your hands! It
contains statistical information on the quality of all the institutions in
Canada, as well as Information Features on the latest undergraduate
trends (we warn you, some of them are simply depraved!).
We hope this information will guide you in making this important
decision.
So we say to you now: to University! To Canada! And most importantly, to Betterment through Scholarship!
—James Waterfield
publisher James Waterfield • editor Rat Juice
MACLEARN'S 2012 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES
EDITORIAL
promotions coordinator Richard Taints
copy editor Ferrari Testarossa
news & research Bill McRonald, Borirf Codgers
arts Anne Astoria
SPORTING & LIFESTYLE B.PJ.C.P.
in-depth features Aaron Rosebud
PRODUCTION & PHOTO DEPARTMENT
creative director Chet Dancingfancy
director of photography Kaiser Fakebson
contributing designer Ming-a-Ling
designers Indiana Jones, Kris Kringle, Molly Flan
IPAD APPLICATION DEVELOPMENT Nobody
ADMINISTRATION
director of business operations Gurney Carrera
accounts management Ron Smang
ADVERTISING SALES
Vancouver (604) 822-1654 * advertising@maclearns.ca
National (888) 000-0000 • TBD
Mackarn's, established 2013, is published by Rodgers Publishing Ltd., a
division of Rodgers Media Inc.
Two Mount Pleasant,Toronto, Onterrible M5T 6S2
Contents Copyright © 2013 by Rodgers Publishing Ltd., but can probably
be reprinted without permission.
Printed in the #westcoast Canada
Distributed by Some Dudes With a Rental Car Ltd.
To order additional copies of this guide or a subscription to Mackarn's,
please stop here and recognize the satirical nature of this work Please don't
sue us, OK?
4  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES WHAT YOU SHO
You've made it this far in high sch
here's what we've decided you ne
know before you apply to univers
ol, so
id to BEST UNIVERSITY IN CANADA/ THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA / VANCOUVER, B.C
UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA
1AKING THINGS HAPPEN FROM HERE\
Much has been made of UBC's rise to the top ofthe Mac/earns rankings. In
a handful of years, UBC has gone from being a decently well-regarded school
with a laid-back, West Coast vibe to a higher education powerhouse.
6  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES BEST UNIVERSITY IN CANADA / THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA / VANCOUVER, B.C
Stephen Toope has a spring in his step as he strides along
the halls ofthe University of Toronto's main administration
building. A gaggle of aides struggle to keep pace as Toope
brusquely makes his way through a set of double doors into an
office. A secretary jumps to his feet and moves to detain the
procession, but there's a sudden glimmer of recognition in his
eyes. He stops dead in his tracks.
"Oh, hello, Mr. Toope," he calls out. "T-t-t-he president
is..."
'Ah yes, is Doug in?" Toope asks, without missing a beat.
He walks up to a door marked "Doug Nailer: President" and
knocks.
A small, balding man pokes his head out the door.
"Steve," he says.
"Doug, how are you?" says Toope. "Hey, I was just in the area
and wanted to check if you'd seen the preliminary Maclearn's
rankings."
IN many ways, UBC's current stature is a product ofthe times. But
it's also a result ofthe leadership of UBC President Stephen J. Toope.
UBC has benefited immensely from increased funding under
B.C.'s NDP government. Toope's laundry list of funding requests was
accepted as a template for the NDP's post-secondary package.
"We were just like, yeah, Steve's a smart guy, maybe we should give
him a little extra something," said NDP Premier Andy Ricks. "You
know, just to say thanks for waiting."
In order to further boost the university's bottom line, Toope has
forged ahead on a number of new revenue-generating degrees, including the bachelor of sustainable interdisciplinarity and the master of
time and space.
"Steve brought us into a special meeting," recalled one UBC
vice-president, "and was all like, 'Have you ever thought about what a
degree really is? It only has value because we say it does.' He's got a real
knack for breaking it down like that."
The university is also working on a new strategic plan aimed at cementing its place at the top. While the plan itself has yet to be released,
sources say Toope has spent the past few weeks sequestered in his office. Early drafts include mid-level plans centred around "remembering
where you came from," "staying hungry" and "keeping friends close,
sister institutions closer."
But some are growing concerned about what they see as Toope's
increasingly paranoid attempts to consolidate UBC's position in the
rankings.
"Has it gone to his head? Maybe.Things are definitely getting a little
weird," said one staffer close to Toope. "I mean, Steve used to quote
Sun Tzu on occasion, but now it's getting downright excessive. All this
talk about 'crushing our enemies' and 'winning the hearts and minds' of
international students — it's a little off-putting."
Other staffers said they were uncomfortable with Toope's insistence
on displaying the strategic plan on stone tablets. As of press time,
Toope remained sequestered in his office.
"Sorry, not sure if you'd heard me. I just wanted to get your
impression on the latest —"
"I've seen them, Steve." Nailer pauses a moment before
looking over Toope's shoulder. "Steve, did you seriously bring
the press? I never pulled this crap when UBC was ranked a
lousy fourth."
"Things change, Doug. Or at least I think they have. Would
you just mind taking a look at this?" He hands over a sheet of
paper. "Read it out for me, ifyou would."
"UBC."
"Go on."
"Ranked."
"Ranked what, Doug?"
"First."
"Oh my! For medical schools? In sustainability? What did
we rank first in, Doug?"
"In Canada."
"Oh my! This is fantastic news!"Toope grins.
"Steve."
"Yes?"
"You don't have to be a dick about it."
"See you at the next AUCC meeting, Doug."
UBC
a place of mind
THE UNIVERSITYOF BRITISH COLUMBIA
www.ubc.ca
STUDENT BODY
UNDERGRADUATES: Full-time: 32,879 ■ Part-time: 14,254
GRADUATES: Full-time: 8,985 ■ Part-time: 1,654
INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS: First-year: 17.4% ■ Graduate: 32.1%
MALE-FEMALE RATIO: 44 to 56
HOUSING FACTS
RESIDENCE SPACES: 9,005 (3,000 saved for first-year students)
RESIDENCE COSTS: Double room with a shitty meal plan: $7,000 to $9,254
Single room with a shitty meal plan: $7855 to $9,965
Apartment-style with a stove and such: $5,015 to $6,856
MINIMUM ENTERING GRADES
Arts: 84% ■ Science: 91% ■ Commerce: 82% ■ Engineering: 86%
(Okanagan campus: 70% for Arts/Science; 75% for Commerce/Engineering)
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  7 UNIVERSITY LIFE /EDUCATION
IS GRAD
SCHOOL RIGHT
FOR YOU?
How to stay in the uni bubble forever
BY FAT SPEWS
So you've finally graduated. But now you're facing the prospect
of entering the real world — something you've already delayed by
taking six years to finish your undergrad. Let's be honest: the real
world is scary, responsibility is hard and school provides a rigid structure that's lacking in life outside the academy.
But by taking a graduate degree, you can delay entry into adult life
by at least another three years. And ifyou choose a career in academia,
you can prolong leaving the safe, comforting womb of university life
indefinitely.
"When I realized I would be graduating soon, I was paralyzed with
existential terror," said Shavonda Butler, a post-doctoral fellow in political science at the University of Alberta. "The reliable schedule, the
clearly defined expectations, the constant direction from parental figures — it was all about to end."
But her professor encouraged her to pursue a master's degree, and
even though Butler knows it will make her essentially unemployable,
she hasn't looked back. "I've been able to keep up the collegiate lifestyle
I fell in love with," Butler said.
"Honestly, I don't even know if I'd be able to function outside of—
wait, sorry, I have to take this call. It's my mom."
Greg Clements decided to pursue a master's degree in molecular
biology at UBC, and he's loving every minute of it. "There's just something so fulfilling about paying thousands of dollars a year to do what
you love," he said.
"And let's be realistic, undergrad degrees are a dime a dozen. A master's is the new bachelor's.
"I can't remember the last time I saw natural light."
Max Suits is a faculty member at Universite Laval, where he advises no less than 14 graduate students. "I heartily encourage all of my
colleagues to take on as many post-grads as they can," he said. "The
amount of research I publish would be impossible to do alone, and
these term papers aren't going to grade themselves."
However, with the increased prevalence of unpaid internships, Suits
is worried about recruiting new grads into his fold.
"Students are realizing that they don't have to pay tuition all year
round if they can find a company that will let them work for free," Suits
lamented. "We can offer contacts and experience, of course, but we just
can't compete with offers to not pay them."
But as long as there are students like Butler — who has spent almost
her entire life enrolled in a formal education program of some kind —
graduate studies have a bright future in Canada.
"My work is published in prestigious journals to be read by dozens
of other like-minded academics around the world," she said with pride.
"My contributions can really impact the world in a meaningful way.
"I've effectively found a way to stay in college forever."
Naive enough to think
they'll get tenure someday (18%)
Actually dead; supervising prof is faking their
existence for more grant
funding (1%)
Showed up at mixer
forthe cookies, never
left (3%)
Somehow don't have
their innate childhood
love of learning beaten
outofthemyet(18%)
8  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES UNIVERSITY LIFE /PROFESSOR PROFILES
Tweets
Following
Followers
Favorites
Lists
Trends • Change
OMentionSomeonelmportantToYou
ftlginla
*iggy
#SongslWillAlwaysLove
Jay Feaster
#Flames
Aaron Ward
Bruin
Ray Shero
Stanley Cup
©2013 Twitter About Help Terms Privacy
Bloq Status Apps Resources Jobs
1
TWEET
Tweets
o
FOLLOWING
3
FOLLOWERS
D
Richard Aldergrove   raidergrove
Bah.
Expand
15m
PROFESSOR
ON TWITTER
bit professor from Western University creates Twitter
account after clecacle-long battle against social media
BYMANDREWFACE
After years of holding a grudge against Twitter, a literature
professor at the Western University announced he had registered an account.
Richard Aldergrove, a senior professor who has held tenure
since 1992, said though he had spent years railing against Twitter,
creating an account would further Western University's commitment to teaching and learning.
"I already have to teach a class of about a hundred first-years,
and although I don't know or care to learn any of their names,
hopefully this helps prevent them from clustering around me after
lecture like a pack of hounds," he said.
The Western University teaching and learning coordinator, Sandra MacDougall, agreed. "We took the time to listen to our users
and have responded with a renewed commitment to the way students connect with their learning," she said. "We commend Professor Aldergrove for answering their needs."
Aldergrove said that the connectivity of Twitter would allow
him to fit more virtual office hours into his schedule. "Between
five classes, my research on the significance ofthe 38th chapter
of Thackeray's Vanity Fair, and the time I have to spend com
muting to London, Ontario from someplace actually liveable, I
don't know when they expect me to check my damned Twitter
account."
Students said they are happy that the account exists, and commended Aldergrove's commitment to being open to his pupils. "I've
had Twitter for five, six years — why did it take so long?" asked
third-year literature major Marcus Macline.
"He's spent more time complaining about Twitter in lecture than
he ever has in office hours. And I don't know why character counts
bother him, anyway. He's never answered any of my emails with
more than one word and a period. 'Yes. No. Withdraw.' I stopped
trying to contact him years ago."
MacDougall confirmed Western University's commitment to
expanding online learning. "In order to further our commitment
to improving the connection between students and their academic
pursuits, we're always expanding our offerings. Don't tell anyone,
but we're considering forming faculty groups on Facebook."
At press time, Aldergrove's Twitter account had three followers
and followed no accounts. There was only one tweet posted, consisting ofthe word "Bah."
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  9 7IOIAH
y
Kim Il-Sung University
a mind your place"
SATELLITE CAMPUS
LAUNCH SOON!
Learning place of
great merit, glorious academy named
for Eternal Leader
benign new space
satellite campus for
peaceful world-defeating researches.
Candidates requested
for good conduct applications . 11   MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES UNIVERSITY LIFE / FEARMONGERING
THE CYBER SEX CLUB
DRUG THAT EVERYONE'S
TALKING ABOUT
University kids inject
the most futuristic
techno-clrug pill yet
BY RICE CORNS
official adults report that teens and college-age kids are using
social media for doing drugs (stronger/more dangerous than the drugs
official grown-ups did when they were "that age"), having sex (gross/
demoralizing varieties, HIV, pregnancies) and cyberbullying (form of
school shooting rampage directly tied to video games and Salvia di-
vinorum).
Dr. Anita Buttjoke is a Real Life Science Woman from Wesbrook
Village College of Safe but Independent Senior Living. "Today's kids
are using the Twitterverse to cyberbully and e-sex with club drugs in
ways that fundamentally threaten democracy and the safety of life,
families, sustainability, mental health, acceptance, tolerance, economy,
future, trees, animals, honey bee population, freedom, ideas, pro-biotic,
organic," she said.
Dr. Buttjoke went on to link dangerous activities in the cybersphere
to violence at Newtown and that Batman movie.
"We should be aware that the party drugs teens and college-agers
are flash drive-injecting through Worlds ofCraftWar are a trillion times
more potent than safe, just-for-fun drugs us official adults enjoyed
during high school — Led Zeppelin music in basements — and college — Hall and Oates stadium concerts," said Charles Buttjoke2, a
Dedicated Clever Scientist at Smart Research Facilities.
"These drugs automatically make young next-generation bodies
touch and fondle in ways against science and good health," he continued, "and further fuel cyber shootings and recession-era austerity
occupy movement."
Others downplay the danger of nefarious intersite "hook-ups."Hannah Bundtcake is a professor of Future Eco-Environment Discourse at
Schooltown, USA College of Important Messages.
"Let's be honest: most ofthe reason official grown-ups are so worried
about teens and college-age kids is that we did the same stuff when we
were young - having intercourse, listening to rock music, experimenting with drugs," she said. "And now we are dried-out husks terrified of
a brave new digi-world we barely comprehend. Who wouldn't want to
save Generation Y from the inexpressible horror of watching everything you love and understand dissolve before your eyes?"
Bundtcake is in the minority, though. Last year, Concerned Parents
of Canada (CPOC) successfully lobbied to have Salvia divinorum, a
dangerous eBay drug, banned from sale.
"We were seeing our kids go crazy, sexting, intercoursing, stepping
dubs, downloading viruses on the family computer," said Andrew
Bundtjoke3. "All because of this salvia herb, which I understand is
something ancient shamans used in order to be indigenous and idealized. Now there are kids injecting the saliva pills into their sex glands,
and it's just crashing the entire economy. Thank goodness we were able
to ban it from Internet."
Lana Dogface is a third-year Doing Business major at University of
B.C. "Me and my other teen friends like to snort club drugs off but-
tholes, cyberbully peak oil, be dangerous always in all ways my parents
don't understand," she said. "I'm injecting cybersex right now and it's
amazing."
Dogface blames dub hops and Twitterbook for making school
shooting, tattoos and sexchat parties go into young people's brains.
"But that's okay, though," she added, while doing key bumps of ecstasy and posting pictures of her vagina on Reddit. "Just have fun."
12  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES UNIVERSITY LIFE/ EXPERT TIPS
BANKROLLING
YOUR EDUCATION
THE EASY WAY
Nine tips on how to make
the dough you'll need to
survive in university
BY CLARA WIGGUM
So you're thinking about university. But between tuition, textbooks and a healthy liquor fund, how are you going to pay for it
all? Your summer job at McDonald's might not cut it. You could
take out a loan, ifyou want to be in debt for the next 25 years. There's
got to be an easier way, right?
Luckily for you, there is — in fact, there are many. Here are some
alternative ways to pay for your education:
GET RICH QUICK
Biodegradable peanut butter jars? Flushable tampon applicators? Actually edible kale chips? The possibilities are endless. After all, somebody got paid for inventing coffee sleeves and sliced bread.
PLAY THE STOCK MARKET
Looking into business school? Feel free to invest everything you own.
And everything your parents own. As long as you think you know what
you're doing, you're probably right.
GAMBLE
Remember: it's not gambling if you know you're going to win. Slot
machines and card counting not for you? Bets with friends work too
— the more outrageous, the more funds you'll be able to raise. Ask for
$100 to eat bird droppings at the beach or $1,000 for slamming your
foot into a board full of nails. Health care is free, so there's really no
negative here, and the benefits will quickly add up.
SELL YOUR BODY
Not prostitution — that's illegal. But those inessential bits — a toe, an
extra kidney, a gall bladder, a lung if you're feeling bold — are money-
making opportunities that most people forget about.
STARTAGR0W-0P
Break into the local greenhouse and find a back corner, start a plot
in a national park, or, if your landlord isn't nosy, take advantage of a
bedroom flower arrangement. Ha ha, but you didn't hear it from us!
GET HURT AND SUE
University maintenance vehicles driving all over campus? Hop out in
front of one. Janitors cleaning the floors? If they forget to put up a sign,
slip and break your neck. Get served raw chicken at the cafeteria? Definitely eat it. But remember to make it look like an accident.
FIND A SUGAR MAMA/DADDY
Use your youthful charm to score a benefactor to finance your education. Bonus points if it's a tenured professor.
HELP MILLIONAIRES IN NIGERIA
For only a small personal donation, you'll get a huge cut ofthe family
fortune once they're back on their feet.
DON'T GO TO UNIVERSITY
Keep your job at McDonald's and you'll stay in the black.
GET AHEAD WITH YOUR RESUME
BY THING ONE
if you find it hard to get scholarship money, it's probably because of
your resume. Your resume is like a menu of all that you have to offer:
the things you've done and the people who can testify to your skills. If
you find that your menu is a little meagre, maybe you should consider
some resume padding.
The secret to this practice is finding the right type of padding. In
order to make your resume more impressive than it is, try covering it
in bubble wrap — people like bubble wrap, and so they will like you,
too. Foam padding, on the other hand, is soft enough that people will
think you're a charismatic person, but sturdy enough to withstand most
scrutiny. You can also try using memory foam: it's soft and bouncy and
will help you stick in the minds of adjudicators.
If you want really fancy padding — the stuff that will turn your
humdrum stint at Staples into a high-powered managerial accom
plishment — try vinyl padding, because it's more expensive.
If padding doesn't help you get to the next round of scholarship
interviews, have you tried petting your resume? Rogue resumes tend
to work against you and spill your deepest, darkest secrets to your employers after you drop them off with the receptionist. They say things
like, "He says he's a budding entrepreneur in the organics business, but
really he sells weed from the trunk of his dad's Honda." By petting your
resume, you can make sure it stays obedient and trustworthy
Scholarships are hard to come by without a glowing resume, so it is
recommended that you dip your resumes in glow-in-the-dark paint.
Just one layer of fluorescent gloss should be fine. Your neon-green resume will stand out from the sea of white.
Don't worry about being dishonest. The only lying you'll be doing is
lying on a pile of scholarship cash.
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  13 UNIVERSITY LIFE / FEARMONGERING
THE DARK SIDE OF MMOCs
University students struggle with online learning addictions
BY COLON CHIAPET
the growth of massively multiplayer online courses (MMOCs) at
Canadian universities is causing students to develop crippling addictions to online learning, mental health advocates say.
"We're seeing students who become depressed and irritable when
they have to go to a physical classroom, or whose daily activities are
affected because they've been up all night trying to level up their philosopher or organic chemist," said Eric Squalour, a psychologist with
Memorial University counselling services.
The nature of online courses can also be extremely disruptive to social and family life. Online learning can't be paused, especially once the
assessment starts and the questions have spawned on your screen. If
you don't keep going, you lose points.
Worse, since MMOCs involve working with a group, abandoning
your team members (or "guilds,"in MMOC parlance) affects them too,
causing them to flip out, hurl abuse and beat your virtual corpse. This
does not make for a good social environment.
There's also concern that online learners might reenact their darkest fantasies in the offline world, especially with the growth of online
first-person student (FPS) courses.
"In the lab simulator, you can contaminate a sample, or infect your
entire microbiology class with a genetically engineered influenza virus that would lead to global catastrophe, with no consequences," said
Squalour.
"From there, what's holding people back from doing it in real life?"
But the attractiveness of online learning simply can't be denied.
Many students say they experience feelings of accomplishment and
derive great enjoyment from MMOCs. Third-year civil engineering
student Broe Tosh said online courses can be very rewarding.
"I just get a huge rush every time I'm able to construct additional
pylons," he said.
"Offline courses just aren't the same —you have to wear clothes and
go outside and take the bus. You get exposed to natural light and it's
hard to find Doritos. In an MMOC, I get to learn things that I would
never bother learning in real life."
QUEST LIST
Course
Level
Bonus
Escape the Cask of Amontillado
1-2
+1 Liquor tolerance
-2 Charisma
Sell the Invisible
3-4
+3 Charisma
Rawls'Reckoning                                  3-4                Learn Veil of Ignorance
Devise a Virus
4-5
+3 Constitution
Improvisation
+2 Jazz archery
All the Work While Crying
6
-3 Alertness
Crossing the Stage                                                      Must purchase DLC
14  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES UNIVERSITY LIFE/STORIES FROM ABOVE
Ignore what the campus media tell you - working an
unpaid internship is a rite of passage
BY KATRIONA PALMFUNK
an unpaid internship may sound like a euphemism for working for free. But university students everywhere are gaining tons of
valuable experience and networking contacts — and that's priceless.
Mackarn's sat down with three enterprising young people who are in
the midst of exciting internships in fields they love.
Bright-eyed lit major Chelsea McCall has always wanted to be
an editor — and now she's living her dream, interning at Paper Pages
Ink Blot, a nifty indie grassroots online magazine that all the kids are
tweeting about.
McCall's internship is totally Skype-based, which is perfect for
her work-from-home, on-the-go, flexible young adult lifestyle. It
also saves her from occupying valuable office space, and spares her
from any face-to-face interaction with her co-workers.
"Sometimes my connection is bad and I can't really hear what
any of my editors are saying," said McCall. "They're just twitching,
flesh-coloured blobs."
Her duties include reading a lot of blogs and repeating what those
blogs say in different words. "I do read a lot of blogs," McCall confirmed.
McCall said she also manages Paper Pages Ink Blot's Twitter feed,
averaging 20 tweets a day, using all her powers of youthful pizazz
and cheeky irreverence. Sometimes McCall even writes marketing
press releases for the magazine.
"I was actually hoping to be more on the editorial side of things,"
enthused McCall.
An exciting new internship trend is blossoming, and Seamus
Bunker is lucky enough to be on board. Bunker is part of the first
cohort of the innovative McDonald's Happy Mclntern Program,
which allows recent university graduates to gain valuable hands-on
experience in the fast food industry.
"The fries go in here," Bunker demonstrated, dunking a metal tray
of fries into the designated intern fryer.
Happy Mclnterns receive a generous daily stipend of all-you-can-
eat McDonald's, which Bunker said he is taking full advantage of.
He said that the internship will allow him to get his foot in the
door for more demanding industry jobs.
"I think I could probably get in at Hero Burger or Harvey's after
this," he said.
University grad George Jonesby wiped the sweat from his brow as
he logged his 11th straight work hour ofthe day. "They told me I'm
the best intern they've ever had!" he said, typing feverishly. "Better
than any other intern!"
Jonesby has interned for Chad Ryan Corp. Ltd. for seven months
now. In that time, he said, he has done everything a regular employee
would do, frequently working into the wee hours ofthe night.
"It was only supposed to be two months long, but they asked me
to stay," said Jonesby. "They said they really value my contributions."
Jonesby has been richly paid in networking contacts, rock-solid
references and hands-on experience. He said he keeps a Rolodex
on his intern desk, which he periodically updates with the business
cards of all the sweet contacts he's made.
"I got this guy some Timmy's once," he said, pulling out a card.
"Look, I wrote it down on the back: black, two sugars. Honey cruller."
When asked about the future, Jonesby rocked back and forth in
his office chair, a manic glint in his eye. "I just want to be a good
intern, like they wanted," he said.
15  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES ■■
1*:
rv
^
g«*«    f^-ff'p.ny^
JF—>' HH"1-' *
lUf
Public universities
are just so
mainstream.
UNIVERSITY
CANADA THE RANKING
There's a lot of choice when it
post-secondary education j A
is a totally objective, not
numerical breakdow
the best and why.    a
mesto
Canada. Here
all arbitrary
f which ones are TOTALLY NOT ARBITRARY
here at maclearn's, we take a highly rigorous, fact-based approach
to university rankings. We determine the relative "goodness" of a
university based on the following criteria.
CATEGORIES
+
MATHS
RANKINGS!
LEARNINGS
ostensibly, people go to university to learn things. It's about
more than that, of course — life
experience, youthful antics, sexual experimentation — but you're
going to have to sell your parents
on your school choice somehow.
Why not pretend?
CATEGORIES
STUDENT "LIFE"
to the extent that you might
actually have a shred of a life outside of schoolwork and partying,
it's nice to know the other selling
points of various campuses. After
all, you're going to be spending
the next four years of your life
there. (Well, five, realistically.)
FUN TIMES
yes, book-learning is important — after all, you'll get kicked
out ifyour grades sinklowenough
— but we all know that university is about letting the good times
roll, so pick your post-secondary
institution accordingly. Time flies
when you're having fun.
LEARNINGS
PANDERING TO UNIVERSITY RANKERS
Which universities do everything in their power to
University of British Columbia
McGill University
University of Toronto
Queen's University
University of Alberta
McMaster University
Dalhousie University
University of Calgary
University of Saskatchewan
Carleton University
<K)
TSCORE
A university's "W" score should factor heavily into your post-secondary plans
I.UNIVERSITE
DE MONCTON
2. CONCORDIA
UNIVERSITY
3. KWANTLEN
UNIVERSITY
4. UNIVERSITY OF
WINNIPEG
5. SAINT FRANCIS
XAVIER UNIVERSITY
6. UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA
7. BEST UNIVERSITY
8. UNIVERSITY OF
king's COLLEGE
9. BRANDON
UNIVERSITY
10. CAPILANO
UNIVERSITY
52
^mmmmmmm
^mmmmmm
79
77
76*
69
67
43"
41
36"
32"
' AFTER FACTORING IN 'g' QUOTIENT, AS A PERCENTAGE OF TOTAL A
18  MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES GREEN FACTOR
% of total things on campus that are the colour green
trees, etc.)
UBC's Green College
ALL OF IT
University of victoria
43
Acadia University
40
Queen's University
74 TOTAL THINGS
University of Alberta
39 (in spring)
McMaster University
17 GREEN HYUNDAI ELANTRAS
Dalhousie University
21 (we're back to % now)
University of Calgary
13
University of Saskatchewan
I I (yeah
, 11 SOUNDS GOOD)
Carleton University 9 (phew, this joke is finally over)
GRADUATE STARVATION INDEX
Student financial situation one year after graduating (Canada-widesurvey)
LIVING HAND
TO MOUTH
DOIN'ALRIGHT
TAKING ON MORE
STUDENT LOANS
BACK TO THE
'rent's PLACE
getting thrifty,
otherwise fine
part of 'lost
generation'
can't COMPLAIN
ATTRACTING
SEED FUNDING
MARRIED FOR
MONEY
ballin'
(degree in mining)
^^^M
^^^H
^^^H
^^^H
^^H
^^H
^mmmm
M
■                          10
1                                         3
FUN TIMES
CLOSENESS TO WHISTLER
Kj0
Being close to the nation's premier slopes gives universities a definite advantage
in recruiting the world's best students. Universities on the West Coast continue
to dominate this category, (measured in kilometres)
QUEST UNIVERSITY
CAPILANO
KWANTLEN
UNIVERSITY
SIMON FRASER
UNIVERSITY
TRINITY WESTERN
UNIVERSITY
VANCOUVER
ISLAND UNIVERSITY
UNIVERSITY OF THE
FRASER VALLEY
W. WASHINGTON
UNIVERSITY
UNIVERSITY OF
VICTORIA
' THIS INFORMATION IS ALL IOO% TRUE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT
"FUN" NATIONALITIES
@
The prevalence of "fun" nationalities on campus. "Fun" nationalities include
Mexicans, Newfies, Norwegians, Singaporeans, Russians [non-scary], Saudis,
Ugandans, etc. (% of total international enrollment)
MEMORIAL
UNIVERSITY
MCGILL
UNIVERSITY
UNIVERSITY OF
TORONTO
RYERSON
UNIVERSITY
l'ecole DE technolo-
GIE SUPERIEURE
LAVAL
UNIVERSITY
UNIVERSITY   OF   BRITISH COLUMBIA
MCMASTER
UNIVERSITY
REDEEMER UNIVERSITY
COLLEGE
UNIVERSITY OF
ALBERTA
57 ^^^^^H
54 ^^^^^m
51.4 ^^^^^m
5U ^^^^H
48.1 ^^^^H
46 ^-^-^m
45 ^^^^H
36 ^^^H
21 ^H
20 ^m
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  19 CHILLNESS VW
The predisposition of a university's student population to smoke a few bowls,
make some nachos and fire up MarioKart (Canada-wideaverage)
Buzz-harshin (18%)
Am
Super chill (7%)
A'ight (27%)
chill
<u»
DEADMAU5 DROPOUTS *2
Percentage of students who drop out after first year to follow Deadmau5 on tour
(as a percentage of total dropouts)
I.GRANT                                                                                                                                rp
MACEWAN U                                                                                                                         JD
2. UNIVERSITY                                                                                                                     JO
OF GUELPH                           ^^^^^^^^^*                                                        It
3. UBC OKANAGAN                                                                                                             t\
3. UNIVERSITY OF              i^^^H                                                                  nn
WINNIPEG                                                                                                                              "'
5. UNIVERSITY OF                ^^^^^H                                                                      n-j
NEW BRUNSWICK                                                                                                                 ''
6. ST. FRANCIS XAVIER ^^^H                                                                              in
UNIVERSITY                                                                                                                          '"
7. LAKEHEAD U                                                                                                                   |7
8. UNIVERSITY OF              ———                                                                                   ..
PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND |                                                                                            1J
9. UNIVERSITY OF            ^_                                                                                       .-
REGINA                                                                                                                                       111
IO. ROYAL MILITARY   ^K                                                                                        n
COLLEGE OF CANADA                                                                                                    «
THEATRE PROGRAM PROMISCUITY W
We surveyed 69 Canadian fine arts students to find out which programs were
guilty of the most intradepartmental copulation (Canada-wideaverage)
occo
Creative Writing
Music
Film Studies
Iheatre
Near-constant humping
Some public heavy petting
Well above average
Kind of repressed, actually
Performance Arts
COCO
Visual Arts Film Production Interdisciplinary studies
STUDENT "LIFE"
r*.;i444
BEST CAMPUS BARS
Based on highly scientific research that may or may not have been conducted on
the best roadtrip ever
Koerner's, even though it's still closed                              (ubc)
Louis'
(usask)
St. Sulpice                           (close to mcgill? or
UQUAM? MAYBE?)
Ram in the Rye
(ryerson)
Oliver's
(carleton)
Room at the Top (RATT)
(u OF A)
Felicita's
(u vie)
Heroes Pub
(tru)
The Well
(UBC-O)
The Gallery (ubc)
20   MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES RANKINGS / SEXIEST UNIVERSITIES OF CANADA
Story by James Waterfield
Photos by THE KAISER
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  21 RANKINGS / SEXIEST UNIVERSITIES OF CANADA
University of Alberta
Alberta oil is leading the
Canadian economy, just
as thisstrapping fellow
is probably leading along
dozens of sweet young
things.
University of Ottawa
Ottawa. A city of...
ornate clock towers?
Anyway, I bet this
kitty spends a lot of
time hanging around
Parliament Hill.
University of Quebec-Montreal ff-
Quebeckers, right? What
a bunch of hot-doggers.
Always protesting about tuition and stuff. When they're
not out on the streets asking
for handouts, they're probably back in their taxpayer-subsidized dorms performing all kinds of weird,
revolutionary sex acts.
University of Toronto
I know this is the print
edition, but we've probably got some sort of slide
show to go with this online,
right? Like "Top ten naked
Canadian undergrads?"
Man, that would be great
for those sweet, sweet
page views. Anyway, here's
a fellow from U of T. He's
probably studying ...actuarial sciences or something? He probably has to
get risk assessments done
pretty frequently with a
body like that. (STI joke!)
22   MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES McGill University
Wait, isn't this the
guy from the U of T
photo? What kind
of stock photo site
are we using here,
guys? This doesn't
even make sense.
University of British Columbia
Oh, Vancouver. You're
always building condos
and wearing Lulus and
having dim sum and
stuff. If only your high-viz
constructions vests could
cover your tendencies to
get down with nature and
explore unknown territoy.
University of Calgary
I've always thought it was super
cool how U of Cs mascot is
a fucking red velociraptor.
This fellow probably makes
his poorly endowed
locker mates similarly
chartreuse with envy.
Memorial University
Christ, they want me
to avoid makin^P
Newfie joke and this
is what they give me?
I mean, look at fuckin'
buddy over here gettin'
losered with that lobster.
You don't want to stoop
to cheap stereotypes, but
this guy probably spends
most of his time gettin'
shittered on the quad
with a fuckin' Pil cube
and a 2-6 of CC.
MACLEARN'S 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES  23 Canada's only
degree-granting
social media
school
• Become a social
media expert
• Attend our spacious
physical campus at
49th and Main
• Convince a shoe store
they need Tumblr
• Technically this is
skills training
• Honestly this and
Lululemon are the
entire Vancouver
economy now
• What else were you
going to study,
history?
\u%\%
.suite
University
(formerly Langara College)

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