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The Ubyssey Dec 7, 2007

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Array ThUj
DEFENDING BABIES FROM HUNTER-GATHERERS SINCE I918
BYS SEY
UBC'S FAIR AND BALANCED STUDENT NEWSPAPER
PHOTO COURTESY OF FRIENDLY CABALS OF CANADA
Soon Hillel house could be safe from the vicious attacks ofthe Student Justice Centre. It is hoped that the wall will provide stability in the West Mall area.
Vol. LXXXIX No. 27 | www.ubyssey.ca | December 7™, 2007
HILLEL HOUSE PLANS TO ERECT SECURITY FENCE I shchoto1
snootmgsrcan
we learn from
the Taliban?
by Ronald Regan's Budgie
News Writer
Women's rights advocates are
up in arms this week after a senior Conservative party member
suggested that Canadian schools
could prevent school shootings by taking a page from the
Taliban's book.
"Before we had women in
schools, we never had these types
of shootings," said Gene Yorkston
III at a government-sponsored
gala dinner in Ottawa.
"I am not saying they are causing the problem, I'm just looking
at the obvious here. Seems pretty
simple to me."
A study released this past
month by Nancy Drewgrew, "Bullets in my Training Bras", has
suggested that gender disparity is rearing its ugly head once
again. As school shootings are on
the rise many are asking: where
are the female shooters?
"I don't believe I have ever
heard that word 'disparitis-
mity [inaudible]' before," said
Yorkston III. He is now fielding
media queries through a public
relations firm, The Truth For
You!
Several other high-ranking
party gala attendees weighed in
on the debate.
"Students should no longer
be allowed in school. Before we
had these schools there were
none of these types of things,"
said Don Rickleston Jr, noting
that Goth culture and lax immigration laws must bear a large
portion ofthe blame.
"In my opinion these Marilyn-
Manson-non-European-critical-
thinking types are walking time
bombs preying on the innocence
of our youth," he said.
Other gala attendees shared
similar concerns, but not all
were willing to throw the baby
out with the bath water.
Students should no
longer be allowed in
school. Before we had
these schools there
were none of these
types of things.
Don Rickleston Jr,
The truth for You!
"We're in a war here," said
Meredith Preacher-Best, "From
Irania to Suburbistan, we must
be ever vigilant against the enemies of freedom. I personally
will not back down until those
see "Women" I page 02
by Benjamin Netanyahu's badger
News Writer
UBC's Board of Governors announced that it would consider
Hillel House's proposal to build
a protective wall as part of the
planned renovations at their current location.
"At this stage we see it as part
of a conflict resolution regime but
nothing has been decided," said
board member Jacob Percy Marshal. "We are still in the discovery
stage. I will say that right now
there is little else on the table."
Amid protest claiming the
wall is a form of further settlement into the West Mall bike
promenade, Hillel maintains the
barrier is necessary to protect
their interests on campus.
"It is not a very big wall," said
Hillel rep Gary John Mathiesson.
Tensions have been mounting over the years between Hillel
House and nay saying terror-apologist organizations on campus.
"It's like Robert Frost said:
good fences make good neigh
bors," commented a local security firm officer recruiting this
past week on campus. "What
they are proposing is no different
than anything you would see in a
suburban neighborhood or building complex. There are fences all
along my street, no one seems to
see "Hillel Wall" I page 03
UBC offensive to invade Simon Fraser University
UBC BoG continue
motion to bring
freedom to the SFU
by Dick Cheney's Snake
News Writer
The UBC Board of Governors
continued discussion Thursday
to move forward with funding to
invade the small sovereign college of Simon Fraser University.
Recent talks over the invasion
came about when Board of Governors (BoG) student representative Jeff Friedrice brought back
grainy yet revealing pictures of
a new Simon Fraser University
(SFU) particle accelerator.
In an impassioned speech
to the BoG, Friedrice harped on
"the importance of ensuring that
UBC remain a viable university
which can uphold the integrity
of all universities across the
world." He explained that "without a preemptive strike...we can
not afford to risk an attack by
SFU."
Friedrice explained his position by stating that the particle
accelerator, according to his
reliable sources, would be func-
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION COURTESY OF CANADIANS AGAINST FOREIGNERS
SFU President Stephensonahmendajad may soon possess nuclear weapons. Are you prepared for the holocaust?
tional "three months from now."
Reaction at UBC has been
mixed for the past few months.
Following the invasion of the
Okanagan University College,
now UBC-Okanagan, in late
2005, response from UBC students has been fairly positive
in favour of 'liberating' SFU
students.
Conflict between UBC and
SFU flared up lastyear when Stephane Toope was inaugurated
as UBC's president. Since then
Toope has made multiple claims
that SFU President Michael Stephensonahmendajad is using
SFU's new particle accelerator to
develop nuclear weapons.
President       Stephensonah
mendajad has also been widely
criticized after he claimed, in a
visit to UBC campus, that, "In
SFU, we don't have homosexuals
like in your university...." This
despite evidence that SFU may
have the largest population of
'fabulous' students north of San
see "SFU Offensive" I page 02
Calendar
EMAIL US YOUR EVENTS AT FEEDBACK@UBYSSEY.BC.CA
FRI
Waterboarding &
Other Grassroots Inno
Where: Internation;
House
Time: 12 midnight
Cost: $19.69
SAT
Club Night
Where: The Arctic
Time: all the time
Who: Seals
Cost: One plane
&club
SUN
Conservative Men's
Support Group
Where: Me
bathroo.
Cost: Wide st
MON
If
11
Learn to Liberate
Where: Henry Angu
Time: 7pm-9pm
Cost: Blood on hands
[t] Drybacks invading university I page 03
W Jesus bear insults religion I page 04
^ Lets make the knoll a hole I page o <
HH I left my sanity in the Namm I page 07 2     News
ThiSJjbyssey I December 7™, 2007
Women should go out shooting
Above: A possible look at what
a women with a gun could look
like.
Left: Who wouldn't fear and be
slighly turned on by this girl
holding SAW
from "Women" | page oi
responsible are brought to justice—the non-normal types."
UBC Political Scientist Graham Marchland-Hannibal said
that Canada's Kyoto targets
play a significant role in school
shooting interests.
"The myth of a lack of female shooters is just like the
Kyoto myth," he said. "I have
not seen one conclusive study
that proves beyond a doubt that
there is a disparity. That said,
I am not about to advocate the
wastage of taxpayers' dollars on
speculative partisan-influenced
research. It is just too soon."
On the heal of Drewgrew's
study, The Truth For You! has
created a preliminary list of
things to be banned that some
hope will stem the school
shooting disparity tide: school
cafeterias, Rob Zombie, trench
coats, abortion, civil rights,
the Criminal Youth Justice Act,
immigration, taxes, public media, borders with the USA, rap
music, heavy metal, discussion
groups, political protests, gay
marriage, communist dictators, communism, artists, trade
barriers, erosion of public
morality, mini-skirts, tattoos,
facial piercing, tape recorders,
passports, non-pharmaceutical
remedies, environmentalism,
public debate, democracy and
Percentage of Men and Women killing sprees
What are your thoughts on gender
disparity in school shootings?
Men
Women
Chelsea J, Anthropologist:
"We must look to our past
to understand our future.
Women have traditionally
been the gatherers, and men
the hunters."
Christophson J, Forestry:
"First they vote, then they
shoot. What's next, gay
marriage?"
Candace J, Faculty of
Education:
"I hope they don't shut down
the schools because some
girls don't want to shoot.
Maybe if they made more girl
friendly weapons, or a Barbie-like gun thing, that might
help."
Cameron J, Political
Science:
"Tax dollars should not be
used   for   anything   except
fighting crime and terrorism.
If they want to shoot a gun,
join the police or the army."
Crsytal J, Peer Counselor:
"These young women just
need to accept that there is a
natural order and that some
people just aren't meant to
do certain things.There are
lots of other things for them
to do. Everybody is good at
something. Maybe they just
need more confidence or a
peer group."
Chad J, Women's studies:
"Society should not be responsible for someone else's
poor decision. I don't care if
there are a 100 more shootings and its all guys.That
doesn't mean that woman
aren't included, it just means
they are not choosing to do
that."
lEach university has a soverign right to build and test these facilities for non-aggressive purposes.'
from "SFU Offensive" | page oi
Francisco.
Not everyone is for the
liberation of the SFU campus.
Naysayers like Tristen Mark
of the Mound Bi-Monthly tried
to explain why the proposed
invasion is a poor idea. "The
invasion of the sovereign uni
versity of SFU constitutes a direct violation of their rights as
students." He further attempted
to explain that SFU is building
their particle accelerator to
produce valuable research and
innovation, and stated, "Each
university has a sovereign right
to build and test these facilities
for non-aggressive purposes."
The Ubyssey had experts
from UBC's own TRIUMPH
centre, located in the southern
part of campus, examine photos which the Ubyssey procured
from the BoG meeting.
Nuclear physicist Jordan
Freedman explained that "these
images show that SFU has the
capability to develop and de
ploy nuclear weapons." Experts
also unanimously agreed that
if these photos are undoctored,
SFU would have the same capabilities as UBC within three to
four months.
The BoG will decide on
whether UBC should make a
preemptive strike sometime in
Janurary 2008. ^
Classifieds
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Tel. 604-230-0161 or
mariomckenna.com.
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TheIj
BYSSEY
December 7th, 2007
Vol. LXXXIX N°27
DlCKTATORIAL BOARD
corporate overmind
Bordeaux Basher
propaganda drones brown &
The Sidekick Orange
LARVAL TEATS PaPPYMaRIO
the cancer gland
"The" Sporegasm
mandible of big breasts
The Vas Deferens
the tower of purity
Pheromone Gland
smaller overmind
SMELLIN PlGGINS
wormhost
Hardball Barnetf
hivemind
Snothardtu Findalady
Racist Joe Rayment
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper ofthe University of
British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday by The
Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organisation, and all students are encouraged to
participate.
Editorials are chosen and written bythe Ubyssey staff. They are
the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect
the views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of
British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is
the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions,
photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced
without the expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include
your phone number,student number and signature (not for publication) as well as your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be
checked when submissions are dropped off at the editorial office of
The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done by phone."Perspec-
tives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words and
are run according to space/Treestyles^'areopinion pieces written by
Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters and perspectives overfreestyles unless the latter istimesensitive.Opinion pieces
will not be run until the identity ofthe writer has been verified. The
Ubyssey reserves the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must be received by 12 noon the day before intended
publication. Letters received after this point will be published in the
following issue unless there is an urgent time restriction or other
matterdeemed relevant bythe Ubyssey staff.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occursthe liability of the UPS will not be
greater than the price paid for the ad.The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes ortypographicalerrorsthat do not lessen the
value orthe impact ofthe ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BCV6T lZl
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca
e-mail: feedback@ubysseybc.ca
BUSINESS OFFICE
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax:604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ubysseybc.ca
business manager Fernie Pereira
ad traffic Jesse Marchand
ad design Michael Bround
So, you see those names up there in bold? The ones with the
fancy position titles underneat them? Well those are the"editers';
On the one hand the "editors" say that it is really the volunteers
and staff who run the paper, and that the "editors" are just there
to be their servents. Give more power to the staff say the "editors'!
But, all doubletalk aside, the Ubyssey is really just a splooge-fest
by the "editors'! Need more proof? Just look at the fact that the
10 "editors" have big bold names with position titles, while the
staff and volunteers have names here in tiny print, their names
surrounded by stories of sex, violence, and overconsumption.But
hey, it's for the good ofthe paper, right? Anyway, that's enough
work for now, says th is "ed ito rs^'Time to get this shit done and go
play Gravy Trader. At least we don't get as paid as much asthe AMS
executives, right!?
V
Canadian   Canada Post Sales Agreen
University  Number 0o40878022
Press December 7™, 2007 | Thj£Jjbyssey
Culture     3
University threatened by 'drybacks'
Illegal transfer students
threaten our degrees; way of life
by Ron Paul's Llama
News Writer
Each semester thousands of
transfer students, often referred
to as 'transfers' or 'drybacks',
make the dangerous journey
into UBC from various colleges.
Experts claim these illegal visitors threaten the UBC way of life
by bringing crime, poverty, and
strife to our fair University.
While numbers are difficult
to obtain, experts estimate that
lastyear alone some 1200 illegal transfer students made the
difficult journey into UBC from
Kwantlen, Langara, and Douglas
colleges only to take the place
of other, more academically
advanced UBC students in less
popular courses.
Most of these 'drybacks',
as they are dubbed by Point
Grey locals, make the difficult
journey into UBC through the
Pacific Spirt Regional Park. This
desolate section of land has
claimed the lives of hundreds of
'transfers' who have made the
journey over the last decade.
"We're sick of these drybacks
sneaking through our land and
taking our jobs,' said University
Endowment Lands ranch owner
Jeb Dillon, who says locals refer
to them as 'drybacks' because
their backs are shielded from
the rain by the large backpacks.
"Them drybacks carry all
their belongs in heavy backpacks. Keeps their backs mighty
dry when it pours in these parts,
which it often does—that's why
we call 'em drybacks. It ain't
racialist or nothin'," explained
Dillon.
Other, more brazen 'dry-
backs' attempt to make the journey in buses and automobiles.
"We catch hundreds of illegal
transfers every month," stated
Duke Jefferson of UBC Campus
Security, the campus's de facto
border guard agency.
Jefferson explained that the
drybacks often use non-descript
automobiles packed with illegal
transfers to make the 'South
West Marine run' into the University's south campus.
We're sick of these
drybacks sneaking
through our land and
taking our jobs.
Jeb Diluon,
UEL concerned citizen
Some 'transfers' even make
a perilous journey across the
Fraser River in an attempt to get
into UBC. Often referred to as
'oakpeople', these students journey from Richmond on buses
like the notorious 480 Express.
Transfer students are commonly believed to be tolerated
at UBC because they are willing to take the less sought-
after courses, something the
administration is unwilling to
acknowledge.
Most popular among transfer students have been the agricultural sciences (AGSC) and
Home Economics (HMEC).
PHOTO COURTESY OF STUDENTS FOR AGAINST ILLEGALS
A UBC Security officer protects our fair University by flushing dangerous illegal transfers out of a van at gunpoint.
Joseph Smith, a full-fledged
UBC student with the high school
entrance percentage of 99.5 per
cent, noted "I wouldn'ttake those
[AHSC] courses if you paid me.
But somehow Surrey kids don't
mind."
"If bridge-and-tunnel kids
want to take courses that will get
them low-paying jobs after they
graduate then all the power too
them," said Smith.
While many students seem to
believe that these 'drybacks' are
relatively harmless, experts say
that they have become a terrible
drain on our varsity resources.
"These illegals are a drain on
our economy and they are corrupting our university values,"
said student politician Brandon
Badmurphy.
"These 'drybacks', as they
seem to be called, are not only
stealing jobs from real UBC
students, they're ruining our
university's culture."
Badmurphy produced a laundry list of societal woes which
he believes are caused by illegal
transfer students.
"Pedophilia, marijuana
use, lazy scholarship, excessive
cheating. These are just a few
of the hallmarks of the illegal
Pedophilia, marijuana
use, lazy scholarship,
excessive cheating...
the hallmarks of the
illegal transfer student
Brandon Badmurphy,
Student politician and fearless defender
of our academic purity
transfer student," explained
Badmurphy, who is pushing for
legislation which will make it a
criminal offence to take classes
at UBC without actually being a
student ofthe University.
Dr. Ren Paul said that illegals create an excessive drain
on the medical system of the
University.
"Almost every case of Chlamydia I have seen this year has
been from a student who either
takes a bridge and/or a tunnel
to get to school—not that I'm
judging."
Currently there are no
concrete plans from UBC's administration to curb the illegal
entrance of transfer students,
despite what some say is stealing class space and the increase
in fees inflicted on real UBC
students. \a
Hillel wall continues as pressure from the SJC mounts
from "Hillel Wall" | page oi
mind. An office divider isn't racist is it?"
Opponents of the wall, the
ultra-left-almost-right-anarchist-
group, the Student Justice Centre
(SJC), calls it a "land grab," claiming that the West Mall bike promenade was originally zoned to be
a SJC sponsored memorial.
"First a wall, then a genocide
(of low marks)," said SJC representative Nancy Gray Morgan.
At a public forum to discuss
the wall this past Thursday, opposition groups were overpowered
by Hillel reps, chanting:
"It's ours, it's ours, you lost
the zoning battle, it's ours!"
The forum ended on a somber
note with a two-minute moment
of silence commemorating the
two rocks thrown through Hillel
House windows over the past two
years.
"Never forget," Hillel rep Anthony Jerome Bailer said to the
crowd of hundreds.
Bailer also noted that the
central Heights Parkade offers a
strategic advantage to would be
stone throwing insurgents.
"Ideally the wall would be at
least 30-feet on the east side,"
Bailer said. "That way we can
reduce our security presence and
invest more resources toward the
reconciliation process."
The Almost Matters Society
(AMS), which has been attempt-
Student Terror Zone
ing to broker a deal between Hillel House and its opposition, said
security tensions are at an all-
time high in the Parkade Heights,
with two permanent parkade
officers monitoring suspicious
activities and handing out parking violations.
Conservative UBC political
scientist John T.John Jay said he
agrees with the plan.
"Hillel House has a historical
right to expand into the proposed
land within the security fence,"
Jay said, noting that Hillel's presence on campus precedes the
Student Justice Centre by more
than tenyears.
"They are setting the example
in the region of student clubs,"
Jay added, noting that other student groups fail in comparison
COURTESY of gooooooooogle map
with Hillel's record of club maintenance, academic activities, relations with the university and links
with more 'developed' clubs.
Hillel supporter Steve Cameron Gray said, "The SJC has
walked away from the table too
many times to be a legitimate
player. That, and they refuse
to recognize our right to be on
campus.
SJC representative Jack Thom
Dean denied the claims, saying
that they only want what is just
and fair.
"The SJC has less than 200
square feet for an office," Dean
said. "Compared to Hillel's luxurious 1000 square foot portable
condo we have nothing. We have
been pushed too far into the
margins. We face daily humiliation each time we walk past the
West Mall bike racks and the
Parkade Heights. It is a living
reminder of what we all have
suffered. The wall on top of the
expa..." Dean went on much longer but the recorder's memory
ran out.
Ideally the wall would
be at least 30-feet
on the eastside,"
Anthony Jerome Baller,
Hillel rep
"They're just jealous because
their office is so small," said Hillel committee planner Stephanie
Q. Steinbeck. "Maybe if they actually did something except whine,
they would have a bigger space
instead of trying to take what is
rightly ours."
The UBC Board of Governors
will make its decision in early
January 2008 if AMS mediations
go as planned. vl 4     News
ThjSJjbyssey I December 7™, 2007
THE UBYSSEY
PRESENTS A SERVICE
FOR UBC STUDENTS
DVD ZONE
//out Camput 97oui£, Stole./
in the Village next to the Bank of Montreal
www.dvdzoneuniversity.com
Come by room 23 of the SUB to pick up a free movie
rental from DVD Zone, your DVD store in the village.
DVD  ZONE
TOP 5 RENTALS
1. Ratatouille
2. Ocean's 13
3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3
4. Harry Potter 4
5.Bourne Ultimatum
DVD Zone • Reservations 221-9355 * 2138 Western Parkway UBC Village
The 2008/09 Academic Calendar Cover Art Contest
Do you have a self-portrait that speaks of your experience as
a student at UBC?
This year's theme - self-portraits at UBC - includes abstract,
symbolic, and realistic interpretations. Tell your story and submit
an entry in the artistic medium of your choice.
For contest rules, submission guidelines, and self-portraits, visit
blog.students.ubc.ca/self portrait
Prize: $300 honorarium
Submission deadline:
Friday, January 11, 2008
|UBC|   THE UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA
Mobilization Against War & Occupation (MAWO)
5th Annual Anti-war
Film Festival
The Battle
of Ideas
December 15
The New Era of War & Occupation
December 16
A New World is Possible: Films From CUBA
Britannia Community Centre
1661 Napier St. at Commercial Dr
info@mawovancouver.org I 604-322-1764
www.mawovancouver.org
.i*l, t*f ? j>\shi.   Organized in Partnership with Britannia
Community Services Centre
Godless woman dodges justice
by C.S. Lewis's Parakeet
News Writer
SFU is hot with controversy. Jill
Pippins, a former UBC professor
current teaching religious studies at SFU, has blasphemed our
lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.
Pippins brought a teddy bear
to one of her classrooms in an
effort to "give a little life to a
mundane setting."
One of her students a reported non-believer, thought it
would be humorous to name the
bear Jesus. Many other students
in the classroom supported
this motion and Pippins, in accordance with their wishes, bestowed her teddy bear with the
Messiah's name.
The SFU based sect of For
Our King and Saviour (FOKS),
aptly named For Our King and
Saviour on a Hill (FOKSH),
moved to punish Pippins in a
manner that reflected the gravity of her crime.
"We can't have some bear
representing the lord in a classroom," said Mike Macintire, a
FOKSH representative. "SFU was
founded on Christian values and
mirrors this in its respect for
We can't have some
bear representing the
lord in a classroom.
Mike Macintire,
For Our King and Saviour on a Hill
our holy lord, our savior Jesus
Christ."
The hope was to have Ms.
Pippins locked away in jail for
six months, fined, and made
the recipient of forty lashes. A
protest broke out later that day,
^^^^^u^
and amid chants by the FOKSH
and other supporters, passionate pleas for Pippins to "suffer
as Jesus suffered" were not
uncommon.
Despite the overwhelming
support in favour of lashings,
SFU's Board of Governors chose
only to export Pippins back to
UBC, where she awaits a separate trial.
This comes at a time when
relations between UBC and SFU
could not be more strained. Recent allegations of SFU's arms
build up and the insulting de-
TOM SKYBOAT PHOTO / THE UBYSSEY
meanor of their president, Michael Stephensonahmendajad,
could send UBC and SFU into an
all out war.
"It's ridiculous," said dismayed protester Joey McGee.
"Totally ridiculous. This sort
of bearesy—I mean heresy—is
the root of our nation's biggest
problems: gay marriage, baby-
killing, and so on. If you ask me,
she should be removed not just
from SFU, but from Canada as
well. Canadians are abandoning
their Christian heritage, and I
fear the worst." \a
ACME builds campus bomb shelters
by Albert Einstein's Guppy
News Writer
A collection of one hundred
bomb shelters was delivered
to campus yesterday, coming
as a surprise as itwas only yesterday the UBC Administration
placed the order with the ACME
Corporation.
Sudo Nym, head of UBC
Properties and Planning, was
not shocked. "The ACME Corporation has a long history of
promptness...their quick delivery is not unexpected."
The need for the shelters
has arisen only recently, after
news broke of Simon Fraser
University's new nuclear facility. This development, the latest
We are sparing no
expense to prepare for
the conflict...however,
bomb shelters remain
the only viable option.
Stephane Toope,
UBC President
in a series of recent tensions
between UBC and SFU, immediately sparked fears of attack.
The bomb shelters are merely
one part of an overarching defense policy. Proponents have
stated that they are absolutely
necessary, as they are the only
planned defence against the
nuclear threat posed by SFU.
UBC    president    Stephane
NOW you can build your own
FALLOUT
SHELTER
BASEMENT SHELTER ABOVE-GROUND  SHELTER
i-Hji
• 1
I
1      *
x       ■ •
*
UBC invests in ACME shelters in preparation for potential war against SFU.
Toope said, "Certainly we are
considering a variety of options.
We are sparing no expense to
prepare for the conflict...however, bomb shelters remain the
only viable option in the event
of a worst-case nuclear attack
scenario. Though of course the
ideal outcome is for no violence
to occur."
Dean of Arts Nanny Gallan-
ny was more pessimistic. "SFU
is simply a chaotic and troubled
university, run by godless individuals...! think the question of
a nuclear strike on our campus
is a question of when, not if."
Each bomb shelter is designed to house up to 100 people, and has food and other sup
plies to last for up to two years.
The shelter walls are composed
of an experimental substance,
which is a composite of diamond, titanium, adamantium,
and the substance lollipops are
made of. The material has been
nicknamed, "metal pyrite."
ACME scientists have assured
UBC that the shelters can withstand six-megaton blasts—no
more, no less.
While this reporter fervently hopes that we will never
have cause to use these bomb
shelters, simply the knowledge
that they exist helps him sleep
soundly at night. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart,
ACME. 11 December 7™, 2007 | Thj£Jjbyssey
 Opinion     5
Time to bury shovels in our dirty, grassy mound
by Joseph McCarthy's Python
Opinion Staff
My nudist, tree-hugging, peyote-smoking,
wiccan counterparts would have you believe that the development of the Grassy
Knoll would be some sort of Campus Armageddon. "If you tear down the [grassy]
Knoll the sky will open and fire will rain
on the earth and children will be raped
and everyone will want to go to SFU..."
Bullshit.
The only difference between a Knoll-
ful and Knolless UBC is that a Knolless
UBC will have a big pile of money. A big,
Knoll-shaped pile of money. It would
be as if the Grassy Knoll was taken and
run through some sort of machine that
changes dirt into cash.
The liberal Gestapo also has a problem with the planned construction of
a mall. This is clearly because they are
mentally deficient. Who doesn't love a
mall? Malls have stuff in them, stuff that
can be bought with money. And what kind
of crazy Buddhist communist doesn't like
stuff and money? Malls are also terrific
sources of minimum wage jobs. And what
do students like more than low paying,
non-academically relevant jobs? English
literature students might get relevant experience into the kind of work they will be
doing for the rest of their lives.
MICHELLE BURGUNDY ILLUSTRATION / THE UBYSSEY
The proposed knoll as it should be,something which makes UBC money,and lots of it.
Residential is another brilliant idea
that has also collected a lot of half-cocked
protest and ineffective petitions. Market
residential = money. Who wants to build a
nice new building then rent it out for dirt
cheap to a bunch of lazy, poor students
who can't afford their own real estate?
Especially when you can sell units for millions! Who wouldn't want to live right in
the middle of a busy university campus
with thousands of rowdy 20-year-olds and
the four bars they frequent?
The only problem with the current
campus development plan is that it isn't
ambitious enough. Developing Boulevard is a pathetic half measure. A better
plan would be to level the entire region
between Westbook, Eastmall, Univerisity
Boulevard and Student Union Boulevard.
Think of how this space could be converted to retail space and real estate. Picture
it now: a single block wide building, the
bottom eight floors pure mall complete
with its own Wal-mart, the top hundred
stories pure million dollar luxury apartments. Just think ofthe sweet, sweet revenues. UBC could very well become the
retail and high density residential capital
ofBC
In fact, we could spread this plan over
the entire campus. Dozens of 100 story super buildings spread around Point Grey
More retail space than the biggest mall
in the world! More residential than the
entire downtown Vancouver core! Thinking of all the money UBC could make, and
continue to make, off such an endeavour
is downright arousing.
The Grassy Knoll must go. It's sitting
on a piece of developable land worth more
than whatever stupid sentimental attachment that certain students might have to
a man-made hill. If only someone would
just man-up already and burn that grassy
mound-pile to the ground. y|
Homeless squirrels need to get a job and get off of the junk
by Steve Irwin's Guinea Pig
Opinion Staff
What the hell is with all the flea-bitten,
mangy little rodents all over campus? It's
like we pissed off God, or at the very least
Moses. I am of course talking about all of
the loafing, homeless squirrels.
Now I am all about sympathy, but when
I can't walk across campus without seeing
something with a poofy tail and patchy fur
chomping down on someone's half-eaten
junior cheeseburger in broad daylight,
something has to be done. It's a bloody
eyesore. Think about what tourists from
other schools must be thinking. It makes
UBC look bad, and worse, it makes me look
bad. And I don't want a bunch of stupid
rodents making me look bad.
The crazy liberal solution to getting
squirrels off the streets is to, well, get them
off the streets. This is a load of crap! To
get them off the street we would have to
build expensive five dollar habitats. To hell
with that. Why should we pay for a bunch
of lazy, junked out squirrels? Those squirrels should pull themselves up by their
own, tiny squirrel-sized bootstraps. If we
give them hand outs, they will just become
more lazy and reliant. If squirrels get a free
ride, we run the risk of having other undesirable animals wanting social support
too. Soon we might have seagulls wanting
indoor SUB privileges, bats that want it
to be night all of the time, or pigeons that
want their own golf course. This has to stop
before it starts!
There is also talk of providing squirrels
with birth control and free abortions as a
way to control population. This is a travesty. Who are we to interrupt God's plan
for these squirrels with things like birth
control? Furthermore, abortions are evil!
So evil that even space and time become
warped and no light escapes. Everyone
knows that every squirrel's life is sacred.
Which is why we have to kill them. The
only ethical way to control the growing
population of homeless, garbage-addicted
squirrels is to hunt them. Nothing says
social responsibility like drinking half a
bottle of bourbon, slipping on an orange
vest, and shooting up the campus in the
name of conservation. We could even install some sort of bounty, five dollars off
tuition for every tail procured. Yee-haw!
However, an open hunting season,
while fun, isn't fast enough. So I propose
a final solution: We lure the entire population of filthy squirrels into one location and
give them cyanide flavoured peanut butter,
or a toxic shower. This way we could remove all ofthe squirrels in one fell swoop.
What to do with the bodies? If history has
taught us anything, it's that we should use
ovens. What an elegant solution.
Of course, this solution will be picked
PHOTO COURTESY OF CLEAN UP OUR TOWN
apart by liberal fascists. As such I purpose
a simple compromise. I call it sweeping
up filth and throwing it over the fence.
We round up all the homeless garbage-addicted squirrels, put them in a truck, and
take them somewhere else, say, SFU. This
way, the squirrels stop being our problem
and start being someone else's.
Either way, something must be done,
and that something better not cost me time
or money.
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Engaging Gfaduataitudents in    t
The Canadian population is aging. The proportion of older adults retativo to ttto total population reached a record high
of 13.7% in 2006 and projections predict that mis value could nearly double in the next 25 years. If these demographic
trends do occur, they will hove major impacts on all aspects of society. (Statistics Canada, 2006 Census)
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redefine December 7™, 2007 | Thj£Jjbyssey
Culture     7
Naam still haunts my every move
by Robert McNamara's Gerbil
News Writer
Naam. Shit. I'm still only in
Naam. Every time I think I'm
going to wake up back in the
lobby. When I was home, after
my first dinner, it was worse. I'd
wake up and there'd be nothing.
I hardly said a word to my wife
until I said yes' to a divorce.
When I was here I wanted to
be there, and when I was there
all I could think of was getting
back into the menu. I'd been
there an hour now: waiting for
an entree...
I volunteered for my first
visit to Naam. I was fresh out
of high school and my buddies
were either heading off to Naam
or college—I decided college
wasn't for me. Soon I was in
Naam; the moist, fragrant air
filled my lungs. I was looking for
an adventure but what I'd find
in that the Kits restaurant would
be far darker than I had ever
imagined.
Soon I was in Naam;
the moist, fragrant air
filled my lungs. I was
looking for an adventure
but what I'd find in that
Kits restaurant would
be far darker than I
had ever imagined.
After a long wait in the lobby
we were 'called up'. A timid convoy drew us to where the action
was; soon the entire squad was
huddled around the table waiting
for the menu. We were scared—
for most of the squad it was our
first time in action, our first time
eating vegetarian. Shaking hands
brought cigarettes up to nervous
faces. We waited...
Suddenly Charlie, our waiter,
was upon us. Loud, gut-wretch-
ing thuds as the menus hit the
table. I hesitated briefly and then
fired back at our Southeast Asian
waiter. Soon the others around
the table were shooting back
with their orders and the volley
seemed to drive Charlie away.
With a menacing look he skulked
back into the hot humidity of
the kitchen. His retreat, despite
what we told ourselves, was only
temporary.
Soon Charlie was back. Our
entrees landed on the table,
their sharp reports filling us with
dread. With trepidation I bit into
my Maui-Maui Burger. The taste
was terrible; my mouth was violated with the taste of torn flesh
and hot blood. A flavor flowed
across my trembling palate, it
had the tang of cold sweat and
jungle mud.
The youngest among us,
Griggs, sampled the Tempeh Reuben. A look of terror swept across
his young face and he bolted.
He ran, panicked, through the
darkness of Naam; he was separated from our unit. We knew he
wouldn't be coming back—once
the madness of Naam claimed
you, you were lost forever.
Charlie struck again, trying
to force the dessert menu upon
us. We could do nothing—there
were no reinforcements in this
terrible place. We beat a hasty retreat, and as we rushed through
the lobby I sensed the bitter aftertaste of defeat in my mouth. I
could feel that our retreat would
ultimately become the shame of
a generation, vl
NICK SLUT PHOTO / THE UBYSSEY
The Naam: perfect for those looking to experience jungle-based asymmetric warfare and fine vegetarian cuisine.
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^ ThSJjbyssey 8     Editorial	
Babies are basically midgets...Would you kill a midget?
ThiSIJbyssey I December 7™, 2007
The first point of our compadre,
the liberal, is based fully on
the idea that we, as humans,
have stopped our evolution at a
biological level. He essentially states
that, because we are primates,
we have an inherent need to consciously select our offspring due to
rationalisations ofthe pressures of
survival.
Right.
Over the last 10,000 years, as we
have remained veritably genetically
stable, but our societies have
expanded and grown.
We no longer need to weed
out the infants who are of the
wrong gender, or have the wrong
mutations. We can now preserve all
human life in an effort to push our
existences to the fullness of their
possible beings. Our next step is to
sit beside God.
The next point attempts to
refute that with statistics, and
although I strongly believe in the
concept of truthiness, Those who
are forced to kill their own
children are not in the same
advanced state of societal evolution
that we in the West are. And they are
about to fail due to that antiquated
system. Where is India going to be in
ten years? Either fully homosexual,
or in a state of civil war fought by
sexually repressed young men. Their
population, and more importantly,
productive capacity, will drastically
drop as the population is unable to
sustain itself after so many female
infants are murdered. Pure insanity.
After that, he goes to equate
humans with other animals
by denouncing the tragedy of
killing cognizant adult non-
humans, or at least, placing
their emotional capacity above
that of our children's.
That's not the point.
He goes on further to assert that
we are arrogant in thinking because
we put the value of an undeveloped
human above that of a developed
elephant or whale.
I'm sorry, but how is a whale
more important than a human? The
idea is that there is value in every
human existence. We must believe
that we are, or our democracies fall
apart. Either an individual has value
or he does not. We cannot operate
on an ambiguous level where we can
devalue an infant member of our society's life and increase the value of
one that has properly participated.
Letters
The Ubyssey is biased... and gay
The Ubyssey is the most biased piece of liberal filth I've ever read. If I was the RCMP, I'd
come into that office and taser everything that
moved. And then, I'd taser you all again just to
make sure you're dead. You so-called 'editors'
are lucky you didn't live 6000 years ago, cause
Jesus would've sent a swarm of brachiosau-
ruses to step on your liberal asses.
Here's a thought. Take a break from suckling on the liberal teat of Michael Byers and do
some real journalism for once.
-FUCK YOU
Submit a letter to the Ubyssey and see your writing in print. Letters to the editor must be under
300 words. Opinion pieces know as "Perspectives" range from 300 to 750 words.
PHOTO COURTESY OF BABY LOVERS ANONYMOUS
This isn't actually a child. It's 42-year-old Albert Dawkins from East Ruthoford, New Jersey. He has the same disease that Gary Coleman does, just a little worse. But isn't Al cute?
Our system is completely built upon
potentials. You could be the next
Prime Minister. Or CEO of Canadian
Tire. Or carpenter, or painter, or
firestopper, for Godssakes, but it's
not about how much you personally
detract from society, as is the position of our opposite editorialist, but
more about how society can help you
help itself.
He then asks what it means to
be human, stating that we should
accept infanticide and abortion as it
creates inconvenient trepidations. I
believe that overcoming trepidation
is the epitome of being human.
And such trepidations are inherent
in the responsibility one takes on
in raising a child. I mean, what's
next? Killing the fucker for not
going to bed on time? As much as
we may feel that that is necessary,
it's counterproductive. The idea is
to pass knowledge along, not stop
misdemeanors without allowing
the natural consequences to play
themselves out.
And finally, death is a part of
life. Murder, however, reduces
who you are as a human. Equating
the acceptance of death to the
allowance of murder is not only
unintelligent, it is FUCKING
RETARDED. YOU DUMB SLUT, I
WOULD HAVE BASHED
YOUR FUCKING SKULL
AGAINST A ROCK AS SOON AS I
REALISED THAT YOU POSSESS
A SLIM PHYSIQUE, WERE
I YOUR FATHER, BUT LUCKILY FOR
YOU AND YOUR KIN
THAT'S ILLEGAL.
SfcREETERS_
See all their full comments online at www.ubyssey.bc.ca
Abortion: yes or yes?
Streeters is a twice weekly column
in which students are asked a
question    pertinent    to    UBC.
1
*t
4LZ
»i ■
i*"^
fc^.
Jewkes
First of all, Mr.
Bucci, your
implication that I
am a slut is clearly
inaccurate. And
besides progress is a
myth, and forcing
behavior based on
the idea of progress
doesn't help anyone.
Jewkes
Bucci
First of all, genetically, you should
be a slut. Second,
progress isn't a
myth if we're:
a) going to get off
this godforsaken
planet and b) going
to transcend this
godforsaken reality
Are you propositioning me,  dear
collegue? For that
would be quite
impropor. And if
you think you are
going to transcend
anything with that
attitude you've got
something coming
to you.
Jewkes
I am not a
self-indulgent
myopic, you deluded
bleeding-heart.
I simply have an
understanding of the
realities of human
nature, and am
prepared to accept
and incorporate that
understanding.
-Coordinated by Horse Face McBucci
My attitude is that
of progress instead
of some regressive,
self-indulgent,
myopic worldview
that makes
exception only for
one's self. 8    	
Babies aren't people...not yet anyway
ThSIjbyssey I December 7™, 2007
In 2003, George Dubya signed into
US law a ban on "intact dilation
and evacuation" abortions. The
first legislative ban on a specific medical procedure, this move was seen by
many as a move towards restricting
abortion rights, again, in the US. Here
in Canada, both the Conservative and
Liberal parties have segments which
are staunchly anti-abortion, and even
Elizabeth May of what was traditionally thought to be the left Green Party
has been calling for a renewed abortion rights debate.
But honestly, anyone who comes
down against abortion is a meddling
morally righteous idiot, out of touch
with what it is to be a human being.
The fact ofthe matter is that we humans are animals. More specifically
we are primates, and primate mothers
practice infanticide. Yes, I know this
goes against what the self-assured
preacher told you from the pulpit, and
I know this goes against what the soft
modern bleeding-heart wants to believe about universal love. And while
you probably don't want to admit it,
for in order to do so you might have
to shift your worldview, the fact ofthe
matter is that sane, intelligent, and
otherwise caring mothers do kill their
own babies.
But, you say, we aren't chimpanzees, bonobos or orangutans. We are
a different creature, no longer so
inclined to senseless butchering of
our own. Again, you are wrong. Epidemiologist and primatologists have
a four-part equation, incorporating
age of mother, birth weight of child,
competitive pressure and danger to
the mother, and whether the child was
the desired gender, which, together,
can predict with significant accuracy
whether a primate mother will kill
their own child within weeks of its
birth.
What does this have to do with
humans? Well, it so turns out that
if you apply this same equation to
humans, you come out with about
the same rate of children dying.
Human mothers kill their own
children about as often as primate
mothers. The reason we don't hear
about it is because 75 per cent of
sudden infant death syndrome
cases are actually cases of infanticide—whether the mother was
conscious of it or not.
While mothers must be naturally nurturing of their children in
order for children to grow, survive,
and contribute to the family as they
COURTESY OF THE BABY PUNTING HALL OF FAME
The statue of OrvinkNevgard,the most famous baby punter in all of Northern Norway.
age, it is a vital evolutionary adaptation, one which has protected
our species in times of distress
and scarcity, which allows normal,
intelligent mothers to coldly kill
her own child.
Before discussing ramifications,
we should put this information into
context. Firstly, killing a baby is
very different from killing an adult.
When an adult is murdered, everything else aside, the cooperative
community structure that is vital to
human survival is weakened. When
a baby is killed, there is no such
threat to the structure.
Furthermore children, as a rule,
can't pass self-recognition and
awareness tests until they reach 20
months old. We kill fully mature,
emotion-capable animals such as
elephants, whales, and primates on
a regular basis. Are we so conceited
as a species to say that whaling
is fine, but the very potential of a
single human life should be protected at all costs?
Instead of getting shocked and
appalled by this fact, it would be
better to use this information as a
tool for deepening our understanding of what it means to be human.
Nurturing mothers are vital to
human well being. And the miracle
of life should not be taken for
granted. However, imposing made-
up ideas about morals and ethics,
both of which are disconnected
from the reality of being human, is
worse than useless. Beyond being
ineffective, suppressing abortion
and infanticide leads to deaths
of women from septic abortions,
stigma and social pressure about
perfect motherhood, and, ultimately, children born unwanted to
unprepared parents. We should accept our nature as human animals.
Abortion happens. Infanticide happens. Death itself happens as apart
of life, and while we are all scared
by it, it is vital that we bone up and
not be so afraid of it.
iSSTREETERS
Streeters is a twice weekly column
in which students are asked a
question    pertinent    to    UBC.
See all their full comments online at www.ubyssey.bc.ca
How do you feel about infanticide?
If the realities of
human nature
imply certain
death, then
count me as
establishing an
evolved way of
thinking.
Jewkes
Yes, you misinterpreting fool,
human life involves
certain death. Such
is life. I for one am
prepared to live
with it, and not let
it distort my relationships to other
people.
Bucci
Jewkes
Bucci
Indiviudual human
life involves certain
death, but as a
species, why accept
that? The capacity
we have should not
be wasted on selfishness, but instead
on progress. Slut.
So we are all to
become a bunch
of ants, selflessly
and mindlessly
slaving towards
progress? I prefer
a life of individual
expression, power,
freedom, and, yes,
death, you whore.
Letters
The Ubyssey is biased...and queer
The Ubyssey is the most biased piece of right-
wing crap I've ever read. You wide-stance
mother fuckers wouldn't know real journalism
if Dan Rather (god rest his soul) and Anderson
Cooper's love child shat the stuff in a cup, ate
it, and vomited it up in your mouth. 2 Boys 1
Cup.
Here's a thought. Take a break from suckling on Anne Coulter's penis and do some real
journalism for once.
Fight the man, fight the Ubyssey.
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Submit a letter to the Ubyssey and see your writing in print. Letters to the editor must be under
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-Coordinated by BJ McSurrey December 7™, 2007 | ThIDjbyssey
Culture     7
Take the Ho Chi Minh trail to great eats
by Ho Chi Minh's Emu
News Writer
Ngirm Tir ban de, khong vao
Naam. Lanh dao can dam, vinh
quang (cua) Chung ta, Ho Chi
Minh se pha huy Ban vcn <Jau bep
ngon (cua) anh ay va rau thorn
desserts. Ban se cam thay sir dau
va Ban se biet miii sir so1 hai.
Lanh dao (cua) Cac ban, Levi
Baines Jackson, la mot nha doc tai
chu ngnla to ban toi loi. Ong ta se
dan dat ban vao trong quan an va
giet diet ban vm sir dan dau ngheo
(cua) anh ay. Chung toi dang dau
tranh (cho) nMrng ngirdi. Chung
toi   dang   dau   tranh   de   nMrng
	
Chung toi se dung den
khong khf va bom nhirng
vi tri (cm) cac ban.
ngirm co the' trai qua vi giac (cua)
thiic an to nhien. Chung toi dang
dau tranh chong lai nMrng ngircH
to ban Va Cua ho Ban thiu meat.
Chung toi dang dau tranh (cho)
ban va con cai (cua) cac ban.
Nhirng neu Ban Lai day Chung
Translation:
toi se dau tranh Ban. Chung toi se
dau tranh Ban trong rung nhiet
dm. Chung toi se dau tranh Ban
Tren shores. Chung toi se dung
den khong khf va bom nhirng vi tri
(cua) cac ban. Ban se (thi) co toi
(cho) nhirng hoat dpng (cua) cac
ban va, Ban can phai den la <y day
Ban y dinh die. Chung toi can dam
va Chung toi se pha huy Ban.
Chung toi se xe toac bao tai
qua bong (cua) cac ban Tir Cac
ban body. Chung toi se khong an
no, bm vi Chung toi chi an nhirng
cay, nhirng y dinh se loai bo no.
Nhirng neu Ban Lai day Chung
toi se dau tranh Ban. Chung toi se
dau tranh Ban trong rung nhiet
dm. Chung toi se dau tranh Ban
Tren shores. Chung toi se dung
den khong khf va bom nhirng vi tri
(cua) cac ban. Ban se (thi) co toi
(cho) nhirng hoat dpng (cua) cac
ban va, Ban can phai den la <y day
Ban y dinh die. Chung toi can dam
va Chung toi se pha huy Ban.
Lanh dao (cua) Cac ban, Levi
Baines Jackson, la mot nha doc tai
chu nghia to ban toi loi. Ong ta se
dan dat ban vao trong quan an va
giet chet ban vm sir dan dau ngheo (cua) anh ay. Chung toi dang
dau tranh (cho) nhirng ngirm. vl
American capitalist swine: the
spirit of ourglorious commander
Ho Chi Minh led us to victory
over the French; his spirit
guided us to victory against
the American imperialists, and
he has also helped us conquer
your taste buds.
You must abandon your
bourgeoisie, capitalist ways
and join the revolution! You
must eat at the Naam. Our
sensuous dishes will tantalize
your taste buds and awaken in
you a sense ofthe importance of
class warfare. We prepare all of
our dishes free of meat, because
meat is bourgeois. Instead we
use the worker's ingredients:
tofu, lentils, bean curd, and
rice.
If you come to the Naam
with imperialist intentions you
will be crushed by the power
ofthe revolution, but if you are
prepared to engage the power
of the dialectic then your taste
buds will be thrilled by the
delectableflavors ofthe worker's
revolution and classless living.
JANE FONDA PHOTO / THE UBYSSEY
Glorious Viet Minh leader Ho Chi Minh enjoyed both reeducating capitalists and The Naam's Maui-Maui Burger.
.1 I
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Opinion     5
Time to make this park a hippy commune
by Karl Marx's Hamster
Opinion Staff
Comrades: lend me your ears. The University administration is trying to kill the most
important student space on campus: that
large, man-made hump of dirt we know and
love called the Grassy Knoll.
The administration has tickled our collective testes satchel with its talk of Vision
2010 this and Trek 2020. They have teased
us with talk of 'community', 'green space',
and worst of all, 'sustainability'.
But they have failed to put out. Instead
they have focused on development. But
what is so great about development? Where
has 'development' ever done for us?
That first development, rubbing two
sticks together, what did that get us? Only
fire, an invention which has oppressed the
oppressed for, like, a million years. Yeah,
maybe it allowed us to cook our food and
warm our frigid caves, but ultimately it
just led to the oppression of indigenous
peoples, the commodification of commodities, and globalization.
Some time later humans began to plant
seeds and cultivate the land. But where
did this get us? Yeah, maybe it allowed us
to settle down, to form lasting communities, to pursue scholarship, and increase
our population, but ultimately it just led
to the oppression of indigenous peoples,
(CM*-*-      ^
MICHELLE BURGUNDY ILLUSTRATION / THE UBYSSEY
A possible version ofthe perfect knoll,a commune living with the animals and the squirrels.
the commodification of commodities, and
globalization.
This pattern continued, leading to the society which we have today. This terrible, terrible society which may have brought about
the end of numerous diseases and massive
reductions in infant mortality. This horrible
society which may be more educated than
any before it, more peaceful than any before
it, more wealthy than any before it.
But none of that matters. We are raping
Mother Earth and, progress be damned, we
need to stop.
We as a society need to stop buying
from Wal-Mart and start buying from local
retailers like Lululemon and Capers.
We need to stop wearing Adidas shoes
and GAP clothing made in Chinese sweatshops. We must start wearing the ecologically friendly, made in Vietnam (a country
which represents the pinnacle of human
rights) clothing from Mountain Equipment
Co-op.
And we need to stop developing land
and we need to stop the development
of the Grassy Knoll. This sparsely treed,
rarely used lump of dirt and grass needs
to be protected because it is vital to the
environment.
We need to turn the Grassy Knoll into a
'people's park' of sorts. A place for students
to relax, a place for students to play checkers, to read a book.
Once we create this 'people's park'
students will flock to it and cherish it. They
will see how important green space is on
campus and they will embrace it.
There is no way that they will ignore it.
There is no way that, once it is built, they
will allow it to fall into disrepair, a cesspool
of mosquito filled muddy puddles, soggy,
dying grass and rotting, mold covered
couches.
For we must remember that if we build
it, they will come. And we must protect our
campus from development, even if that
means we must sacrifice all ofthe progress
that development has brought us, because
who needs civilization? y|
Homeless squirrels need help to get off the junk and get squirrel rehab
by Sir David Attenborough's Canary
Opinion Writer
Students of UBC! There is a group of poor
forgotten souls in dire need! All over our
beautiful campus there are squirrels;
squirrels in desperate situations. You see
them everywhere, in campus trees, shivering on sidewalks, and yes, even foraging in
garbage cans. These precious animals are
dangerously overpopulated and homeless.
Several are sick and many are addicted
to garbage. Worse, their numbers are
growing.
We as a university have collectively
failed these noble rodents. We have destroyed their homes and are constantly
encroaching further on them by removing
green space. We allow litterers to flood the
streets of our fair university thus feeding
the squirrel's habit. Something must be
done!
The first step is to get the squirrels off
the streets. Subsidised habitats must be
built! Not ramshackle shabby tenements
or sickly trees, but proper, thoroughly constructed wooden domiciles attached to the
finest oaks and maples on campus. Over
crowding must also be avoided, so many
habitats will be required. We should be
proactive and build more subsidised habitats than we need, in preparation for any
and all homeless squirrels.
The next step is to get squirrels off the
junk. We must attack this insidious addiction through a combination of treatment
and enforcement. Safe and wholesome
food choices should be provided in areas
accessible to squirrel domiciles at the cost
of students. This will allow squirrels not
already on garbage to avoid the addiction.
For squirrels already reliant upon their
addiction to the junk, safer sterile garbage
should be provided wherever possible.
This will prevent exposures to dangerous
tainted garbage and allow junkie squirrels
to free themselves from their horrible relationships with litterers.
Litterers must see stiffer penalties for
their crimes. Rather than receiving lengthy
lectures from UBC Sustainability, litterers
should see punishment in the form of
joining UBC Sustainability as community
service. That would show those ignorant
fiends to keep their garbage away from
campus.
To combat squirrel overpopulation
there should be a three-pronged system.
Squirrels must be educated on the dangers
of their wanton reproduction. We must
also provide free contraceptive devices to
squirrels so that they might still enjoy sex,
but not necessarily reproduce. The university should also open free squirrel abortion
clinics so that those squirrels that cannot
support their young, or are unprepared for
parenthood, can simply and safely terminate their pregnancies. With these in place
squirrel population can be controlled in
non-invasive and ultimately optional ways.
Squirrel's choice, after all.
PHOTO COURTESY OF CLEAN UP OUR TOWN
Free and quality health care must also
be a priority in solving the squirrel crisis.
Teams of veterinarians, specially trained
in the needs of junky squirrels, must be
available at all hours at a centralised clinic.
They should also proactively rove campus,
seeking out at risk squirrels and assisting
them as best they can. No cost in this endeavour is too high, as only the best health
care can solve the health problems of our
homeless squirrel population.
So, my student compatriots, with a lot
of money and Herculean help from us the
downtrodden squirrels of UBC can live a
life of prosperity and happiness! y|
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New and relevant to the students of
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Engaging Gfaduataitudents in    t
The Canadian population is aging. The proportion of aider adults retative to ttto total population maenad a record high
of 13.7% in 2006 and protections predict the! this value could nearly double in the next 25 years. If these demographic
trends do occur, they will hove major impacts on all aspects ofsoctoty. (Statistics Canada, 2006 Census)
Cvrtn tor Hbp HnM A HbtariethaWH RmmkA
Would you like to find out how you can apply
yuur knowledge and skills to study aging and
health issues during your graduate studies?
Are you currently doing work in aging and health research and
want to connect with others who are doing similar work?
We would like to invite you to attend a luncheon to listen to
established investigator and trainees from various disciplines
at UBC discuss their research,  Learn about the emerging hot
topics, training opportunities, and funding sources for those
pursuing aging and health research.
Wk>Lqu Mungan. BSW MC£d, EdD
S4*M>I Of Fir^r Hud** *nfl SOd* WO*
Sflrah-Jjn* Lvtlna. MK
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BC N«w6rfc for Ag r»g FUMArtft
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C**rtra far Rfiieircfi an PareortntKl ■
SchocJ ok Audialag^ urd 5p**:.!i
^
fcSSuflWrtWJfij'.'iWWrfLMfSntirrV 4     News
ThjSJjbyssey I December 7™, 2007
THE UBYSSEY
PRESENTS A SERVICE
FOR UBC STUDENTS
DVD ZONE
//out Camput 97oui£, Stole./
in the Village next to the Bank of Montreal
www.dvdzoneuniversity.com
Come by room 23 of the SUB to pick up a free movie
rental from DVD Zone, your DVD store in the village.
DVD  ZONE
TOP 5 RENTALS
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2. Ocean's 13
3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3
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The 2008/09 Academic Calendar Cover Art Contest
Do you have a self-portrait that speaks of your experience as
a student at UBC?
This year's theme - self-portraits at UBC - includes abstract,
symbolic, and realistic interpretations. Tell your story and submit
an entry in the artistic medium of your choice.
For contest rules, submission guidelines, and self-portraits, visit
blog.students.ubc.ca/self portrait
Prize: $300 honorarium
Submission deadline:
Friday, January 11, 2008
|UBC|   THE UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA
Mobilization Against War & Occupation (MAWO)
5th Annual Anti-war
Film Festival
The Battle
of Ideas
December 15
The New Era of War & Occupation
December 16
A New World is Possible: Films From CUBA
Britannia Community Centre
1661 Napier St. at Commercial Dr
info@mawovancouver.org I 604-322-1764
www.mawovancouver.org
i^.^t? >'/,;► <.,.   Organized in Partnership with Britannia
Community Services Centre
Religious fanatics oppress women
By Richard Dawkins's Eel
News Staff
SFU has revealed itself as
this nation's most intolerant
university. Earlier this week,
Jill Pippins was deported after being threatened with 40
lashes for a crime some say
shouldn't matter.
Pippins, a religious studies professor who emigrated
from UBC to teach at SFU last
year, recently named one of
her teddy bears "Jesus". The
suggestion was given by one of
her students, and Pippins felt
that "it was a cute name given
the context of the class."
However, For Our King and
Saviour on a Hill (FOKSH),
the SFU sect of For Our King
and Saviour (FOKS), felt
otherwise.
The Social Justice Centre
has backed the deportation
of Pippins back to her native
teaching home.
Is naming a teddy
bear Jesus really
sacrilegious, or is it, in
fact, a compliment to
the Christian idol?
Jill Phillips,
Religious Studies Professor
"We just wanted to see her
get out of that crazed atmosphere," said Timothy Clinton.
"The fact that naming a cute
and cuddly teddy bear after a
fairy tale figure could cause
such a stir is ridiculous."
This comes at an awkward
time for UBC, as tensions
between the two universities
increase. Recent rumours
of   UBC   planning   a   direct
strike on SFU further mount
tensions. This insult to SFU's
religious conviction undoubtedly causes more pain in
the far east campus, further
pushing the two universities
apart.
"But really, is naming a teddy bear Jesus really  sacrilegious,   or   is   it  a
TOM SKYBOAT PHOTO / THE UBYSSEY
compliment to the Christian
idol?" said Pippins to the Board
of Governors. "Teddy bears are
fluffy and lovable; is this truly
uncharacteristic of Christ?
Personally, I like to imagine
Jesus as a big fluffy man-bear,
spreading love and tolerance
for all the years before being
nailed to a cross." \j
ACME bomb shelters threaten lives
by Max Plank's Duck
News Staff
ACME Corporation's long history of unreliable product design has caused many to raise
concerns about the recent
installation of the company's
bomb shelters across campus.
Long-time ACME customer
Wile E. Coyote stated, "I've
used ACME for 30 years and
I can count the times a product has worked as advertised
on one hand. There's always
some flaw...maybe their bomb
shelters can survive nuclear
explosions unscathed, but
just wait until some rain falls
on them, see what happens
then."
The substance the shelter
is composed of raises more
concerns.   "Metal  pyrite",   as
NOW you can build your own
FALLOUT
SHELTER
BASEMENT SHELTER
ABOVE-GROUND SHELTER
/ can count the times
a product has worked
as advertised on
one hand. There's
always some flaw.
Wile E. Coyote,
ACME customer
ACME calls it, sounds substantially similar to iron pyrite,
which is also known as fool's
gold. Almost Matters Society
President Jeff Friedrice questioned: "Is ACME trying to
dupe us? Is metal pyrite going
to be fool's metal? And even
UBC has invested in ACME shelters despite the company's shady record.
if the shelters really do work,
there's only a hundred of
them. Do the math. With each
shelter holding a hundred
people, that's a maximum of
10000. What about the thousands of other students who
won't be able to fit in?"
Apart from logistical concerns, many people are questioning whether the shelters
are even needed. If UBC does
not pursue an aggressive,
war-focused policy there will
be no threat of being attacked.
Forearmed is forewarned, yes,
but sometimes forearmed also
leads to a foregone conclusion. The funds to purchase
the shelters would be better
off used to address the issues
between UBC and SFU. 11 December 7™, 2007 | ThSjbyssey
News     3
Paperless students face discrimination; guns
'Drybacks9 help UBC community
by Alberto Gonzales's Monkey
News Writer
Paperless transfer students
from disadvantaged universities
are increasingly flocking to UBC.
And while some are arguing that
these 'illegal' members of society are causing problems within
the University community, an
increasing body of evidence is
showing that these paperless
students have become active,
thriving members of the UBC
community.
"I've almost completed my
degree in agricultural sciences,
and I'm ready to join Vancouver's work force," said Jose Cuervo, an undergrad who attended
Langara College prior to making
the treacherous, and currently
illegal, journey through Pacific
Spirit Park into UBC.
Due to a lack of funding
numbers regarding the number
of paperless transfer students
coming to UBC is hard to determine, but experts state that the
number is somewhere around
1200 individuals every year.
What you have to remember, " noted Caul-
deron, "is everyone on
this campus—aside
from the Musqueam First
Nations—had to 'transfer' here, often without
papers, from somewhere
else at one time."
Frank Cauldron,
professor of agricultural
If you allow transfer
students to attend UBC
they will wind up taking
the courses that UBC
students otherwise
reject, this gives perfectly
good class space to
undeserving immigrants
Dou Lobbs,
professor of medieval studies
"These paperless students
face a difficult life once they
arrive at UBC. Often refered to
by bigots as 'drybacks', these
students are treated like second-class citizens," said Tipper
McGovern, an advocate for the
rights of paperless students
But many have criticized the
University's tendency to ignore
the problem of transfer students
onto campus.
Dou Lobbs, professor of medieval studies, has argued that
allowing paperless transfer students to integrate into the University will have a positive effect
because it will allow the transfer
students to take roles at UBC
that more established students
might not want to take.
Many within the paperless
community have been struggling
to realize this dream and to end
the stigma commonly associated
with being a "paperless transfer
student".
"People think that because
we've transferred to UBC we are
somehow more likely to have
gonorrhea, be in a gang, and
wear velour," said Jessica Vene-
PHOTO COURTESY OF STUDENTS FOR TRANSFER STUDENTS
Terrified paperless transfer students are frightened out of their vehicle by a member of UBC Security force.
rea, a Surrey resident and recent
Kwantlen transfer student.
"But it's just not true. I use
condoms all the time, especially
when I'm in a gang bang," said
Venerea. "That's whatJ-Lo would
do"
In addition to being an advocate for safer sex, Venerea is
also an active member of UBC's
Synchronized Swim Club, which
won the bronze medal in the Pacific division finals this year.
Also speaking out against
the common misconceptions of
transfer  students  is professor
Frank Cauldron.
Originally a professor of agricultural economics at Simon
Fraser University, Cauldron legally transferred to UBC because
of the improved facilities and
medical plan.
"What you have to remember," noted Caulderon, "is everyone on this campus—aside
from the Musqueam First Nations—had to 'transfer' here, often without papers, from somewhere else at one time."
"These students shouldn't
be persecuted based on their
background. They contribute to
UBC's community just as much
as any coked-up west-side kid"
Upon graduation, transfer
students are just as likely to
receive jobs as regular UBC
students, if not more so. When
asked what he plans to do following graduation, Cuervo
noted that "I plan to stay close
to campus, mostly because there
is a large agricultural market
in Shaughnessy and by staying
close to UBC I can mow lawns
and maybe grab a U-Pass from a
friend." \a
Hillel wall continues as pressure from the SJC mounts
from "Hillel" | page oi
their window this past year,
stemming from skirmishes on
the fringe of the courtyard with
justice workers. This is the second time a rock has been thrown
through their window from the
area surrounding the West Mall
bike promenade.
"We believe in the rights of all
people, not just one student club,"
said SJC member Tamara Clifton-
Ng. She denied that their opposition to the wall is anti-semitic.
"Penalising an entire student
population for the acts of a few
individual rock throwers is cultural genocide," said professor of
sociology Micheal B. Richardson.
"We as a campus should not be
held hostage by extremists on
either side."
Hillel-sponsored investigations say that SJC members have
been seen parking their bikes
on West Mall and occasionally
walking near the building over
the past decade. SJC members
deny involvement in the rock
throwing.
"I was just getting an organic-
shade-grown-ethically-traded-
fair-market-non GMO-latte in
my travel mug," said Clifton Ng
as she walked past by the now
repaired window.
Hillel maintains that the SJC
has links to extremist elements
they say are responsible for the
attacks.
riife^
"I saw one of them with a
patch on their backpack that said
'no justice, no peace'—you can't
get much more anti-semitic than
that," said Hillel supporter James
Renny Shannon. He also noted
that very few SJC members wear
white or light blue, something
he claims is yet another sign of
mounting antagonism.
"They also have stickers on
their office door from Mobiliza
tion Against War and Occupation
and Stopwar.ca," said Shannon.
"We need the wall more than
ever. The writing is on the wall
so-to-speak."
SJC spokesperson and gender
studies major, Janet Harlow,
responded to Hillel accusations
saying, "I like the colours and the
tank drawing with the corporate
logos of Stopwar's leaflets, it represents, um, you know, stuff in
MAP COURTESY OF GOOOOOOOOOOOGLE
the world, you know."
The AMS said they have not
decided either way on what to do
with the proposed re-zoning of
the West Mall bike promenade.
"Right now we are looking
into to Hillel House's claim that
they have original zoning documents from a prior council allowing for expansion and a wall,"
said AMS spokesperson, Marcus
Jacobin.
Hillel sources say the original
documents are proof they have
a historical right to expand their
building and to build a wall if
necessary.
SJC members say that while
they outnumber Hillel supporters, they do not have the resources to launch a legal campaign to
the alleged zoning documents.
"This is Apartheid masked
in a student lounge renovation,"
said SJC supporter Elizabeth San
Culottes. "We encourage every-
This is Apartheid
masked in a student
lounge renovation
Elizabeth San Culottes,
SJC supporter
one to come out and oppose the
wall."
San Culottes also noted that
opposition to Hillel's action is
just one small part of the global
war against neo-colonialism,
capitalism, sexism, racism, gender-ism, species-ism, carnivore-
ism, age-ism, bike-ism, thrift
store-ism, weed-ism, queer-ism,
poor-ism, time-ism, school-ism,
life-ism, hair-ism, body type-ism,
piercing-ism, tattoo-ism, toque
and beard-ism, mental health-
ism, class-ism, totalitarianism,
fascism, indie rock-ism, Commercial Drive-ism, machismoism,
and all forms of patriarchy, vl 2     News
ThSJjbyssey I December 7™, 2007
Women should go out shooting, study finds
Above: A women shows what
she is like with big guns
Left: This lady exercises her constitutional right to bear arms
What are your thoughts on gender
disparity in school shootings?
Jenny J, Women's Studies:
"Guys either think you're a
spy or a dyke if you like guns.
But maybe I am just a psycho
like everybody else."
John J, Sociology:
"Marx was clear in his assessment of post-industrial
capitalism that surplus value
would diminish the commodity production of fetish-
ised labour. Contemporary
gender-based hegemony is a
manifestation of capitalism's
global struggle against world
indigenous self-determination and proto-organic
communist revolution in the
wake of the erosion of the
nation-state system. It is a byproduct ofthe global capital
ist system of production and
will exist so long as the workers are divided."
Jackie J: Human Kinetics:
"As long as it doesn't fuck
with my class schedule, I'm
okay with it."
Jane J: Social Work and
International Relations:
"When I am asked a question
like this I always like to respond with a question: What
about the children? Just
think about the children and
the children's children, and
their children, and their children. And Africa, what about
Africa? Where are Africa's
children in all of this?"
from "Shooting" | page oi
balance, but on a whole, violent
crime committed by women is
on the rise and that should be
seen as a move toward greater
parity.
"You can't rush history," he
added, noting that female gang-
sta rap is more popular than
ever.
Not all agree that parity is
the answer to the ongoing male
dominated school-shooting
crisis.
At a press conference in
Ottawa, Senator Fredrick Allen
Copingham suggested that efforts should be made to stop the
shootings altogether.
He was booed out of the
media gallery before making
further comment.
"Men just wanna' have their
fun and then say the game is
over,"   said   business   owner
Amanda Clerk.
Others, like Valerie Ernst-
whiler, said he was just being a
"pussy".
Psychologist and mother of
three, Helena Trozenderf, said
the media is partially to blame.
"We are tired of being portrayed as hiding under desks
and crying for our dead friends,"
she said. "We are just as capable
of blowing people away as any
man."
Trozenderf added that it is
unfair that guys who look at gun
magazines on the internet are
creepy, while girls with guns
are sexy.
"Its just another example
of objectification," she said. "I
want to be valued for the rage
I contain inside, not the way a
Leupold-equipped AR-15 makes
my breasts and [inaudible]
look." ^
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'No homosexuals at SFU'Michael Stephensonahmendajad, SFU President
from "SFU Invade" | page oi
against SFU by UBC forces
would be a 'gross injustice'.
"We should, like, be friends
with [SFU President] Stephensonahmendajad and respect
the differences in their culture. We as a people, we need
to unify our spirits and learn
to, you know, love each other
and balance our chakras,"
said Vishnu-Mendela-Jefferson
from her Kitsilano-based yoga
studio/vegan restaurant/dildo
sales & service centre.
Continuing, Vishnu-Mendela-Jefferson said that while
she felt conflict regarding Ste-
phensonahmendajad's statement that there were no homosexuals at SFU and his lack
of respect for the GQIXYZBLT
community, she ultimately
feels that members of Western
cultures must respect cultural
differences and avoid passing
judgment on other cultures.
"I, like, don't think people
should judge other cultures
by their own standards," said
Vishnu-Mendela-Jefferson,
"We need to respect other cultures and their traditions. Unless of course those cultures
advocate the killing of endangered animals, or the killing
of    unendangered    animals,
or gender discrimination, or
the practice of organized religions, or the damaging of the
environment, or the exchanging of material goods, or preventing women from having
abortions, or, well, anything
other than what we here in
Kits do..."
During his visit to UBC
Stephensonahmendajad was
asked about his statements regarding the GQIXYZBLT community at SFU.
"Do you, like, appreciate
the role of GQBLT communities at, like, SFU," asked Phil.
McCracken during Stephen-
sonahmendajad's lecutre.
"Definitely," said Stephensonahmendajad. "I really respect GQ, it a great magazine.
And BLT communities-well
I didn't know that there were
communities built up around
sandwiches, but truth be
told the BLT is an excellent
sandwich."
Ultimately, say experts, a
war with SFU would result in
the over-extension of UBC's
forces, leaving the University
open to the kind of terrorism it
experienced several years ago
when the Ladner Clock Tower
was attacked by Kwantlen students armed with two model
airplanes and box-cutters, vl
Classifieds
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Tues & Thurs 7:30pm
to 9:00pm.
Tel. 604-230-0161 or
mariomckenna.com.
accommodation
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AND BREAKFAST.
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Call Joanne Renwick,
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events
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Starts January 13.
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FlVO classifieds for students: For more information, visit Room 33 in the sub or call: 604-838-1654
TheIj
BYSSEY
December 7th, 2007
Vol. LXXXIX N°27
DlCKTATORIAL BOARD
corporate overmind
Bordeaux Basher
propaganda drones brown &
The Sidekick Orange
LARVAL TEATS PaPPyMaRIO
the cancer gland
"The" Sporegasm
mandible of big breasts
The Vas Deferens
the tower of purity
Pheromone Gland
smaller overmind
SMELLM PlGGINS
wormhost
Hardball Barnett
hivemind
Snothardtu Findalady
Racist Joe Rayment
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper ofthe University of
British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday by The
Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organisation, and all students are encouraged to
participate.
Editorials are chosen and written bythe Ubyssey staff They are
the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect
the views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of
British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is
the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions,
photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced
without the expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include
your phone number.student number and signature (not for publication) as well as your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be
checked when submissions are dropped off at the editorial office of
The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done by phone/'Perspec-
tives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words and
are run according to space."Freestyles"are opinion pieces written by
Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter istimesensitive.Opinion pieces
will not be run until the identity ofthe writer has been verified. The
Ubyssey reserves the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must be received by 12 noon the day before intended
publication. Letters received after this point will be published in the
following issue unless there is an urgent time restriction or other
matter deemed relevant bythe Ubysseystaff
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occursthe liability of the UPS will not be
greater than the price paid for the ad.The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errorsthat do not lessen the
value orthe impact ofthe ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
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tel: 604-822-2301
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ad traffic Jesse Marchand
ad design Michael Bround
Ok, so I found this dog. I named him
dogmeat. He was a tiny piece of shit.
He didn't listen, he couldn't do any
tricks, and he pissed in my shoes. So
I kicked him in the teeth, and sent him
back onto the streets. Next day, this
fucking dog was back on my porch.
"Goddamn dog," I thought. So I took out
my gun and shot it. Right in the chest.
Surprised? It's true. And the funniest
part of this story is that it's entirely true.
Really. Anyway, I felt bad for the dog,
bandaged him up, and now he lives in
my backyard, eating his own shit.
V
Canadian   Canada Post Sales Agreen
University  Number 0o40878022
Press BASHING BABIES IN THE SOFT SPOT SINCE I918
BYS SEY
THE OFFICIAL PAPER OF UBCS
REVOLUTIONARY VANGUARD
Vol. LXXXIX No. 27 | www.ubyssey.ca | December 7™, 2007
SJC SAYS NO' TO APARTHEID WALL I;;h""1
Shootings:
SKYBO TOM PHOTO ILLUSTRATION / THE UBYSSEY
Residents ofthe University's West Mall will soon have an apartheid wall running through their occupied territories thanks to Hillel House's
by Noam Chomsky's Parrot
News Writer
The Student Justice Centre (SJC)
came out in force this past Thursday to demonstrate against what
they call an "Apartheid Wall,"
planned for the UBC campus.
A recent proposal by UBC Hil
lel to renovate their building into
a three-story plaza includes a
wall, 30 feet high at its extremity,
to be built for protection.
At Thursday's public forum
hosted by the Almost Matters
Society(AMS), AMS representatives said it would consider a
wall if tensions are not cooled
between Hillel and other campus
groups, most notably the SJC, do
not subside.
The proposed wall would
stretch from the central Parkade
Heights to the SUB and then back
toward Brock Hall, splitting the
campus in two.
"It's just a land grab, plain
and simple," said SJC supporter
Tammy J Grant, an Arts student
at UBC. "The governing syndicate,
the AMS, is caving to private interest and corporate pressure."
UBC Hillel proposed the wall
after a rock was thrown through
see "Shooting" | page 03
UBC to invade the sovereign university of SFU
UBC BoG continue
their motion to bring
freedom to the SFU
by Hans Blix's Ferret
News Staff
The UBC Board of Governors
(BoG) moved forward yesterday
with another shocking move
towards all out war with Simon
Fraser University.
Jeff Friedrice, the Almost
Matters Society president and
BoG representative brought
back grainy photos of a supposed particle accelerator being
constructed under the hill that
SFU currently resides on.
Friedrice stated that it is important to ensure that "UBC remain a viable university which
can hold up the integrity of all
universities across the world."
He further explained that
"without a preemptive strike or
possible peace talks with SFU
intervention, we can not afford
to risk an attack by SFU."
Friedrice's grainy photos
may show a particle accelerator
in its infancy, although critics
argue that the photos may be
GRAPHIC PROVIDED BY BOG REPRESENTATIVE FRIED RICE
The current visage of SFU prestineand untouched by any war.This could be a smoldering ruin in a few weeks
doctored or depict a different
type of facility. One such critic,
UBC law professor Rutherford
McHandsworth, explained
that an invasion of SFU would
would guarantee a slump in
UBC admissions, pushing the
University into a recession and
damaging the University's inter-varsity reputation.
"Look at what happened
following our invasion of the
former Okanagan University College. Our University
has seen a massive drop in it's
academic currency, and we
are viewed as an oppressor by
many other universities," said
McHandsworth, who continued
by saying, "We are already stuck
in one quagmire in Okanagan,
we can't afford to get involved
in another, especially with such
spotty evidence."
Human rights activist and
commune leader Rainbow Vishnu-Mendela-Jefferson also argued that an preemptive strike
see "SFU Invades" I page 02
The silent
disparity
BY SlMONE D'BeAUVOIR's CAT
News Writer
If there is one thing we can
learn from Virginia Tech and
Columbine is that gender disparity knows no boundaries. From
Finnish school rooms to Russian
elementary school playgrounds,
women are grossly under represented as shooters in violent
school crimes.
Nancy Drewgrew, a sociologist at UBC, has authored a study,
"Bullets in my Training Bras",
examining the issue.
"What we are seeing is a classic example of the systematic
oppression and exploitation experienced by women everyday
in this country," she said.
Her study also noted that self-
identified transgender women of
colour suffering a major illness
are the most likely to be left
behind. The study claims that
school shootings are the signature apex of development in the
modern world.
"The lack of women pulling
the trigger in these shootings
proves that the 20th century is
leaving women behind."
Criminologist Janet Crab-
shank agrees with Drewgrew
and insists something must be
done.
"By 2017 we hope to see at
least two or three women in top
school massacres. We have suicide bombers, we have Chechen
rebels, we have boxers and UFC
fighters, and it is only a matter
of time before we have the classroom too."
For Crabshank, the number 2017 is both symbolic and
practical.
"It will be 100 years since
we got suffrage in Canada," she
said. "It is about time we got the
guns."
By 2017 we hope to
see at least two or
three women in top
school massacres.
Janet Crabshank,
Criminologist
Not everyone, however,
agrees that the disparity exists.
JohnJohnsonston, a criminologist at SFU, says it is too early to
assume a gender disparity.
"As isolated incidents, sure,
you can say that there is an im-
see "Shooting" | page 02
Calendar
EMAIL US YOUR EVENTS AT FEEDBACK@UBYSSEY.BC.CA
FRI
Skunk Bowl - Chronic
meeting of buddini
artists
Where: Student Ri
source Center
Cost: $ 5 a gram
SAT
9/11 Long Division
Truthers
Where: Banks of the
Mathabasca River
Time: 9:11am
Cost: $0.818181
SUN
10
it
Hunger strike
against anorexia
Where: mOP7
Time: All Aid     T
w4c/(/aysN
Cost: £5 in
MON
11
worker uprising /*
Where: EvervwhexjL
Cost: The blood^MW
bourgeoisie j9f~\K,
0?n»
[t] Drybacks peacefully making new lives | page 03
W  Jesus Bear causes unnecessary stir | pag
CO
Make the Knoll a commune | page o
All hail our great Naam | page 07

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