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The Ubyssey Mar 30, 2001

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The Prowince • "News"
IN YOUR PROWINCE TODAY
Section A
WAR: GOOD FOR SOMETHING,
STUDY SHOWS
Culling of urban poor and minorities cited in Fraser Institute study,
called uV\fan HERE'S What it's Good For"
A18-19
DOWNTOWN EASTSIDE
STILL OUT OF VIEW OF
PACIFIC PRESS BUILDING
Prowince harbour view still
uncluttered by poor, drug
addicts, humanity
A19
Michael Smyth ~. A6
Funny pet stories A23
Surgeries gone bad   A28
T&A A35
Editorial Pages
WASP funpage A38
Pro-Liberal politics    A12
Shit!
Breasts ablaze! A4045
Vapid celebrity whoredom . A42
Left cheek of J-Lo's ass  .. A42
Right cheek A43
Middle A44
New Money
Gizmo Watch A47
No More Money A47
Suckers A52
GOT A
LIVER?
Because Lord
knows Grace
Stick needs a
liver, if you
could spare
one
A21
Section B
Shit!
JULIA ROBERTS
We just can't stop running this
breasty, breasty photo
A27
Weather
THIS WEEK'S
MOST FROZEN
TODDLERS
Lovable ice tykes!
A27
More toddlers!
>    •    7 \t>>>/    .
TODDLER FROZEN
IN TIME
B7
ENTERTAIN ME
MICHAEL JACKSON: FUNNY,
BUT NOT HA-HA
FUNNY
 B17
Oscar 2002 picks C45
Oscar 2002 Fashion Forecast . C7
Movie listings  C9-11,14
TV listings C12-13
Paul Chapman (Power Ray).. C17
-Tristan eats grass  C20
Crosswords C21,23
Comics C22-23
Coffee Break (hi, Mum) .... C24
Jerks C24
Really Big Jerks C24
Friday, March 30, 2001
Section C
Correction
Correction: In an article on
March 24, 2001, "Ujjal
Dosanjh fucking the brains out
of little nubile teeny high
school girls right now," The
Prowince erroneously reported
that Dosanjh had, in fact,
fucked the brains out of little
nubile teeny high school girls.
We regret that Mr. Dosanjh
never did that.
Just Sold! C2
Helen Chesnut/Gardening C4
Births and Deaths C7
Dear, dear Abby D2
.Funnies ^'^'4-
013 weather D40
Classifieds
HOW TO REACH US
SWITCHBOARD: Scott Bardsley
NEWS TIPS: Bruce Arthur
FAX: Nicholas Bradley
E-MAIL" Tristan Winch, Hywel Tuscano
WEBSITE: Tara Westover, Nic Fensom
CLASSIFIED: Tom Peacock, Laura Blue
24-HOUR AUTOMATED SUBSCRIBER
SERVICE: Ron Nurwisah, Joe Clark
VACATION OR MISSED DELIVERY?
Reader service: Duncan McHugh
Toll free: Graeme Worthy,
Julia Christensen, Helen Eady
Sarah Morrison,
Alex Dimson,
Michelle Mossop,
Holland Gidney,
Alicia Miller,
Oaliah Merzaban.
ubyssey.bc.ca
JAMES THOMPSOi| illTURE
«P7. ■:**#* JCG A
•:*
•V
CGA takes the work out of
leading people on.
THINK CGA.
When the global economic system collapses, there are going
to be winners and there are losers. And you're going to be a
winner because you went to CGA school and learned how to
screw over the people who are going to be losers. Stupid loser
people. Stupid people who can't keep track of where their
money goes. Stupid people who can't understand the difference between accounts payable and accounts receivable.
Stupid people who can't run a spreadsheet if their lives
depended on it. Stupid people. But not you. You're a Certified
General Accountant.
So there. Friday, March 30, 2001
Local News
Backstreet's
back — with
reinforcements
Teenage pop sensation the
Backstreet Boys have returned
to Vancouver once again.
But this time, they brought
their friends—hordes of
screaming prepubescent girls
have overrun the downtown
core, turning traffic into a
snarling mess and sending office
workers into a dizzy hormonal
blur.
Joe McFettered, a downtown
secretary, described the scene
as one of pandemonium.
"Ooooooooh!! Backstreeeeeet!
I love you! I love you! Over
here!" -
Vancouver Police media
liaison Anne Drennan had no
comment on the matter, other
than to say that prepubescent
girls are good for the economic
growth of the downtown core.
Dude, where's my car?
1653 Nelson. By the dark blue
Mazda, near the Starbucks.
I have five bucks left
That's four slices of pizza aad
a Coke.
Surrey to secede
In a long-awaited attempt to
counter the stifling bureaucracy
of Vancouver City Hall, not to
mention the commie pinkos
trying run this bloody province,
Surrey politicians have
announced plans to secede.
The new city-state will now be
known as the High
Archdukedom of Surrey.
Democractic elections will be
suspended. Leaders promise an
extra station wagon for each
household and a black Coors
Lite T-shirt that will go really
nicely with those white jeans
and that fannypack.
Reaction to the succession
has been mixed. UBC political
science professor Allen Sens
remarked that "I don't give a
rat's ass about local politics. All
I care about is that every co-ed
on this campus wants to major
in my pants."
Surrey leaders acknowledged
that the new city-state will not
include Whalley. We wouldn't
want it either.
Ubyssey wins at Wall
It was a squeaker, but in the
end, the local boys made good
in a thrilling, come-from-behind
sports clicheY Well done.
The Prowince • "News"
Cock and mouth disease
blows through residences
University of British Columbia frats left curiously untouched
By Barbara McLlckcock
Staff Reporter	
Eighteen-year-old biology major
Leslie Cooper came to UBC in
September hoping to meet new
friends. But she never thought she
wouldn't see her old friends.
The Pit Night sky has been lit up
this week by the massive pyres of
burning first-and second-year students, who have had to be
destroyed after contracting the
disease.
"Smells like pork," said one
drunken third-year as he stumbled
out of the SUB to urinate on a Blue
Light phone.
Cock and • mouth disease is
believed to have been introduced
to residences by an Agricultural
Science student studying sheep
very, very closely.
Student Health doctor Mark
Winston has seen at least four
hundred cases of the disease in
the past two weeks alone.
"One young man came in and
placed his schlong on the examining table. And then he expected
me to not to laugh? Yeah right. I
mean, what do you think is going
to happen when you start poking
around the back end of a sheep?"
One student, nineteen-year-old
Alex Jamison, who lives in Place,
Vanier residence, says that he contracted the disease through no
fault of his own.
"We were drunk one night, and
after a few beers, you know,
healthy roughhousing turns into
an outlet for repressed homosexu-
Ben Dover — Trie Prowince
The night sky lights up In what Is expected to become an annual event now that the fireworks are gone.
ality, and before I knew it, there
was this cock in my mouth. My
UBC recruitment package never
even mentioned that this might
happen!"
He is scheduled to be burned
Monday.
Totem Park residence advisor
Teresa Glendower says . that
drunken sex is a common feature
of campus life.
"I never would have caught [the
disease], if it wasn't for that skainky
bitch, Stephanie. She slept with my
boyfriend, so I had to sleep with his
roommate to get even. Somewhere
along the line, I started to get this
burning sensation."
Although the six campus residences have all been plagued by
the disease, UBC fraternities have
not been affected.
Ron Jones, president of Koppa
Feel Thl, explains that this is likely
due to the fact that "the sorority
chicks just won't put out, even
when we wear these puffy vests.
"Like my puffy vest?" he added.
Dr. Winston adds that traditional
fraternity activities such as downloading massive quantities of porn
and spending long, lonely nights
alone are entirely safe, and will not
result in contracting the disease.
Students are advised to avoid
contact with any individual who
has spent the night in residence
within the last three weeks.
"Damn. Where I am going to get
my easily impressed hot wet
teenage action?" asked noted pervert S. Wyles Sergeant. "You just
can't always get that underage
shit at the Pit," he added.
UBC President Martha Piper has
called the outbreak of cock and
iriouth disease "an unfortunate
tragedy," but added that it in no
way detracts from UBC's status as
a wannabe first-rate university.
"Open sores — think about it."
Teacher beds former student
Staff Reporter
Courtenay is a typical, all-
Canadian town. Neighbours chat
across white picket fences and
children attend nightly Bible studies in the minister's basement
games room. But a recently disclosed sex scandal has rocked
this quiet community, and people
are demanding answers.
Babs Bush, a local high school
teacher, has been charged with
sleeping with a former student: her
husband Rex Oast name withheld
to protect the victim's privacy).
Rex, a former student, admitted
he had difficulty "getting it up"
during their honeymoon in
Campbell River.
"She has fat ankles. I was drunk.
What else can I say?" he asked.
Ms. Bush was unavailable for
comment.
The couple first met in university,
when both were members of the
local Team Jesus club. They have
been married for 15 years and have
three children.
Community leaders are mortified.
"I knew Babs was a skank when I
first met her," said Mayor Chucky
Porklet, whom Ms. Bush dated "a
couple of times" in high school.
Ms. Bush has been relieved of
her teaching duties and her entire
Harry Potter collection has been"
confiscated. Under the minister's
advice, the young boys of
Courtenay are seeking temporary
refuge in his backyard "bomb,
shelter."
Cats to replace drivers
By Sallm "lwo"
Staff Reporter
Jlma
Students will have an easier—
and funnier—time getting to
school as the bus strike drags on.
The Coast Mountain Bus Company
is replacing those nasty striking
bus drivers with the best drivers
around: hilarious driving cats!
The switch to non-humans drivers is a new one for TransLink, but
one they feel will add to the bus-
riding experience, even if the cats
crash and kill people.
"It's been a long time coming!"
enthused TransLink chairman
George Puke. "Bus drivers cost,
like, a ton of money. Cats drive
practically for free! And they're
cats! Hilarious driving cats! Oh, and
we're raising fares again, you suckers!"
Puke practically wept, he was
laughing so hard. We at The
Prowince would like to note that
we hate Translink, and that
they're stupid, and that we all
drive cars to work. So there. But
he's right, the cats are funny.
Driving cats were first popularized by Saturday Night Live some
years ago. We at The Prowince
would check how many years, but
we're really busy trying to pull
down the NDP and trying to
demolish unions, which is ironic
when you consider we're the most
unionized newsroom on the planet. So look it up yourself, you lazy
readers. Like we have the time. As
if. So there. Assholes. The Prowince • "News"
Friday, March 30, 2001
Children good, pedos bad
By Brian Blewhis
Staff Reporter	
A new study released on Monday
put much debate at rest: children
are good and pedophiles are bad,
bad, bad.
Piles of data have been collected,
revealing a long-suspected belief
that children are good, albeit small
and sometimes smelly. Pedophiles,
on the other hand, are hands-down
bad. The study cites poor hygiene,
hermit-like lifestyles, sticky key
boards, "breath that smells like
meat," and "having sex with children" (who are "good").
"Pedophiles? Shit, dude, they're
so bad!" said Kristy Lockheart, a
Grade seven Vancouver student
who just broke up with a pedophile
boyfriend from Louisiana that she
met in an Internet chatroom. "He
got all possessive on me and shit.
Plus, he has a sweating problem
AND he was flaccid. Then I found
my pictures posted on slutty websites. I was pissed!"
Kristy, who is still considered a
child, is "good."
Robert James, a 24-year-old
pedophile, noted that Kristy is
"just about ripe for pickin'!"
The study also went on to conclude that sunny days are good,
rainy days are bad; masturbating in
private is good, masturbating on
the bus is bad; mothers are good,
mothers that sleep with your
friends are bad; and opposable
thumbs are good while walking on
all fours is bad.
White House to
sell naming rights
Will join Home Depot Capitol
Building, Coors Lincoln Memorial
Holy crap.
We mailed a duck
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This ad has nothing to do with cell phones
mobility-
By Jason Proctologist
Staff Reporter	
The George W. Bush White
House took another bold step forward yesterday with the opening
up of bids on naming rights for
the White House.
"Washington is no longer anti-
business," said White House
spokesperson Ari "Heidi" Fleisser.
"We want to show that big money
contributors will no longer just
run our campaigns and drive our
legislative agenda. Now they'll be
a special part of the White
House."
Early possibilities include the
Exxon-Mobil White House, the
AOL-Time Warner White House,
and the McWhite House. The NRA
may also be making a bid.
"It's free speech," said President
Bush. "Plus I get a dump truck full
of cash. God, that's sweet. I been
gettin' all those blowjobs from
lobbyists, so I decided to give
something back."
Bush also stated that the program will apply to all of
Washington, since "if we're going
to bend over for corporate power,
we might as well grease up
Washington's   entire   collective
asshole."
When pressed for an explanation of the statement, a White
House spokesperson later said
"that's just how the President
talks."
High-profile naming rights
already sold are the new Coors
Lincoln Memorial, which has been
altered to include Abraham
Lincoln holding a foot-high Coors
Lite, and the Philip-Morris
Washington Monument, which
now sports a filter for that "sweet,
refreshing taste of democracy,"
according to a White House
spokesperson.
"I'm proud to be The Yahoo!
Senator from Mississippi," said
the Yahoo! Senator from
Mississippi, Jackson Leghorn, as
he strode into the Home Depot
Capitol Building, which has
already been dubbed "The
Depot."
"Do you Yahoo!?" he added to a
comely young female Senate aide.
The most controversial deal so
far was the sale of the Pentagon
name to German auto giant
Daimler-Chrysler. "It took us over
60 years, but we're in the
Pentagon," said an unnamed
German. "This should be fun."
-*•
Fun!
3 months of unlimited pleasure
Group rates available
Free weekends and Friday
nights {sigh} Friday, March 30, 2001
The Prowince • "News"K!
Clark returns to office with limp:
Gives Jean Chretien thumbs up!
By Jim McSlutty
What a slut	
In a surprising about-face, Joe
Clark announced that he would no
longer be attacking Jean Chretien
over the prime minister's involvement in a Shawinigan hotel deal.
Clark's policy shift comes after
the member's brief absence from
Ottawa. House of Commons
observers noticed that upon his
return, the Conservative leader
had two broken thumbs, and was
believed to be limping.
"I walked into a, uh, door. That's
right, a door," said the uncharacteristically terse Clark.
"Those guys in the windowless
van-they had nothing to do with it.
No, wait—I didn't even see them.
There were no guys!" he added.
Stockwell Day blasted Clark, saying "I'm surprised. I never thought
Mr. Clark would be afraid of a pair
of concrete boots."
Meanwhile, members of Day's
Alliance Party were involved in a
shooting incident outside the
House of Commons.
An unmarked black car drove by
three Alliance MPs on their way to
a lunch meeting. The passenger in
the car opened fire on the MPs,
then drove away. Ted White and
Chuck Strahl suffered non-life-
threatening injuries. Rahim Jaffer
escaped injury, although his personal assistant was killed. Police
believe that the assailants mistook
the assistant for Jaffer.
Police have no further leads on
the case, but a spokesperson said
that "The eagle has landed. Mr.
Valentino—the eagle has landed."
The identity of Mr. Valentino is
unknown at this time, although
sources close to Alexa McDonough
have revealed that the New
Democratic Party leader was
scheduled to have a meeting with
a man of the same name last week.
McDonough has not been heard
from since.
No one, however, is particularly
concerned, except for NDP member Svend Robinson, who is usually concerned with most things
because he wants to have his fingers in every goddamn pie and
what's more he's gay did you
know that he's a goddamn homo
in the House of freaking Commons
can you believe it and Lord help
me if this newspaper isn't going to
take every opportunity it can get
to point out the fact that Svend
Robinson is gay and that he's
been gay for his entire political
career.
Robinson could not be reached
for comment before press time.
What a fag.
The NDP is spending YOUR cash!
by Boris Badanov
Staff Reporter
As the NDP taxes, and spends
this province to Third World status, another embarassing revelation was made yesterday concerning the NDP's fiscal habits, which
might best be described as really,
really horrible. A special Prowince
investigation has revealed that, in
addition to our cover story about
the NDP's taxpayer-financed election call, the NDP has spent the
past ten years administering the
once-proud province of B.C.
almost entirely with taxpayer dollars.
"Shame! Shame!" cried Opposition
Liberal leader Gordon Campbell in
Question Period, before being told
what the furor was all about. Once
he knew he redoubled his shaming
efforts, bending double and turning
red with the effort.
The Prowince has learned that,
among other pork-barrelling sleaze,
the NDP has spent the money of
B.C. residents on:
• administering health care to
children, the sick and the elderly
• building and maintaining B.C.
highways
• providing B.C. residents with
water and electricity
• funding primary and secondary
education
• funding culture and the arts
• funding environmental protection
• paying provincial employees
The Prowince also has revealed
that the NDP has sent your hard-
earned dollars on funding pro
grams involving public transit, agriculture, forestry, and up to 20 separate ministries, from Aboriginal
Affairs to Labour to Women's
Equality.
"What a total waste of time," said
random redneck person Joe Harky.
"That's my money! If I wanted it to
go to shit like Indians and women,
I'd just give it to 'em!"
The Provincial Liberals have
arranged for sustained carpet
bombing of NDP offices until this
matter is resolved.
NDP throws smoke
bomb, in effort to
distract BC voters
By Kerrl Poore
Staff Reporter
The NDP, wearing a black top
hat, a long black velvet cape, and
sporting a thick handlebar mustache, threw a smoke bomb and
disappeared Thursday.
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" cackled the
NDP before throwing the bomb to
the floor and vanishing in billowing clouds of smoke.
With an election looming and
mounting dissatisfaction among
the electorate, the NDP has been
under siege in recent weeks.
Those problems were compounded this week as a squad of
plucky teen detectives came
closer and closer to the NDP's
hitherto secret hideout, located
below an abandoned amusement
park.
"Gosh, we had 'em!" exclaimed
teen detective Bucky Walters.
"We'd figured out that the lake
monster was just a boat covered
with a giant tarp— it was really big,
and looked kind of like a cat! And
we thought, a cat in the Pacific? A
Pacific cat?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed freckled teen
detective sidekick Becky
Mcjohnson. "So we investigated!
Like investigators! Yes! Yes we
did!"
"Shut the fuck up, Becky,"
agreed Walters, wearing his trademark beanie cap.
It was unclear where the NDP
had disappeared to, or the exact
means of the disappearance. The
teen detectives have postulated a
trap door, or even a hidden passage. Teen detectives are such
assholes.
The Prowince wishes to reiterate
that, regardless of NDP tricks, we
think the provincial Liberals are
the greatest, and would fellate
them if they'd let us. Ooh—maybe
we should ask them again!
Parents concerned over son's lack of bullying abilities, desire
'Why is my kid such a damn wuss'
by Boris Badanov	
Stan Reporter
Like any other parent, Surrey construction worker Jim DeLucci is
worried about bullies.
"My kid is a pussy faggot," he said.
Eight-year-old Brian DeLucci, an
unusually large and docile child, has
never been bullied, but shows no
signs of wanting to push smaller
children around.
"He's always reading those fairy
books and watching the fucking
Learning Channel when I'rrt trying to
watch the hockey," said his father.
"What a pussy pansy faggot," he
added.
Brian's mother, Rona, said that
the constant barrage of bullying stories in the local newspapers has no
effect on her son.
"He's never even picked on his little sister. I think he might be a
queer."
"He's a goddamn homo," interjected Mr. DeLucci.
"When I was his age, I was stealing
people's lunch money, I was hurting
people for fun. It's a typical way for
■e boys to assert their masculine identity in the face of an overprotective
maternal presence."
"I only dressed him in pink until
he was four years old," exclaimed
Mrs. DeLucci, who then proceeded
to hit her husband over the head
with the carpet attachment of her
vacuum cleaner.
"I'm fucking bleeding," replied Mr.
DeLucci.
"You hit me in the goddamn head
with the goddamn vacuum cleaner!"
"Well, that's the most housework you've done all week,"
alleged Mrs. DeLucci, who later
revealed that she first heard
the retort on an episode of /
Love Lucy. IflThe Prowince • "News"
Friday 30.03,0:%
Friday, March 30, 2001
WELCOME TO YOUR NEW TRENDS SECTION!
Editor: Soggy Galoshes 605-2180 sgalashan@pacpress.southam.ca
Pepsi! It makes the
world go 'round!
Not only does a cold can of
Pepsi help get rid of thirst, it
also gets rid of annoying
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
[PID]. A recent study shows
that Pepsi's refreshing combination of potassium, benzoic
acid, and carbonation combats
PID-causing   organisms   from
migrating upward from the urethra and cervix to the upper genital tract.  Whew!  What  can't
Pepsi do?!
Each year in the United States,
more than 1 million women experience an episode of acute PID, with
the rate of infection highest among
teenagers. More than 100,000
women become infertile each year
as a result of PID— that means they
can't have babies. PID can affect
the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes,
or other related structures.
Untreated, PID causes scarring and
can lead to infertility, tubal pregnancy, chronic pelvic pain, and
other serious consequences. Yikes,
where's my Pepsi?!
The University of Victoria study
also found that administering enemas with the effervescent cola
product can make your ass feel as
fizzy as all hell.    -
"Because of the caramel and
phosphoric acid in PepsiCo products, they render the lower colon
and rectum more cohesive, more
effective," said Dr. Jeremy Young
of UVic's Exclusivity Product Lab
Facilties. "The
result is smoother and more
consistent stool. Plus
your ass gets as fizzy
as all hell."
The   study   also
found that Pepsi did
not increase a person's risk of falling
out of a plane, eating live bugs, or
accidentally kicking oneself in one's
very own ass, whether fizzy or
not.
CHEST HAIR: Coiffed by "Just
Neil" at Palouf
CALFSKIN VEST WITH WOOLY
SOFT LINER: Handmade in
Florence by a family of
Kenyan expatriot antelope
farmers.
BOXERS: Vintage Prada, circa 1995
'CARGO'CHINOS: Tuscano
CODPIECE:"lt's hand-peened copper
from Tierra Del Fuego. I borrowed it
from my brother, Don't tell him, he'd
kill me if he knew."
SLIP-ON-OFF BOOTS: Hand scuffed.
FAVOURITE CASUAL UNIFORM:
2-3 teenage groupies.
FAVOURITE COLONIC: Peaches   .
and Cream
PERSONAL STYLE: "My
manager and this lady named
Clarisse tell me what to
wear."
WILL NEVER WEAR:
"Those see-through
trousers again."
/ 4-PAGE PULLOUT SECTION B
The Buzz
PUFFY  PRIZE
With his trial behind him, hip hop
mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs is
reportedly trying to get back together
with ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez
The Daily Dl$h/B9
PUFFY JACKET
With his jacket pulled tight around
him, used car mogul Ed Finchley is
reportedly trying to walk to the
house of girlfriend Sue Dingley
The Daily Dish/B12
Inside
TV Listings
Crap Gossip
C7-10      TV Synopses C2-3
C2-3       Trash C2-3
Nothing much Cl-16       Celebrities   C2-15
Editor: John-o-thon Maclameald 822-3972
Britney Spears
wins frenzied race
to fully expose
nipple to world
Beats out Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez: J-Lo vows
"bottomless pants" as retaliation Page B6
Oh my.
We're going to lose. Bad.
The NDP is fielding candidates in every riding in BC.
idiots.
We're in deep, deep shit. Oh god.
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Holt/
good god. Holy saints. Holy crap.
Oh my word. Oh tny cat. Holy
christ on a bicycle xve're gonna
get smoked.
Vote NDP.
British
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-'j. y-^OlThe Prowince • "News"
Friday, March 30, 2001
WWF is making boys gay
By Franky Tuba
Boy, Is my name dumb
MISSION — The world of professional wrestling is full of fame,
glamour, and large, sweaty men. Is
it any surprise millions of young
boys want to grow up to be
wrestlers?
Recent interviews with local elementary-school boys indicate that
school-age children have begun
introducing spandex, sequins, oil,
and groin shaving into their play.
Although violence seems to be
less of an attraction than previous
studies suggested, boys still practice such wrestling moves as the
"Camel Clutch" and the "Thrust
and Squeeze."
One Mission Elementary student, Jonathan Davis, loves to discuss the proper techniques for
body-slamming.
"It all comes down to what you
have to hold onto," he said.
"It helps if their package is big,"
added seventh-grader wrestling
fan Randy Delinkwent.
Parents and teachers comment
that children have actually moved
away from the actual wrestling
aspects of wrestling.
"1 find a lot of the boys love to
pretend that they're preparing for
the matches instead," said teacher
Bobby Voyeur.
Failing to find oil the other day, a
throng of boys started using
honey from a sandwich to slick
each other up. To clean up when
the bell rang, they licked each
other from head to toe and "actually got a wholesome snack out of
playtime!" said parent monitor
Thomas Singer.
Fourth-grade supervisors also
report that the creation of Hoe-
Trains' among the girls in classrooms is "up-up-up, if you know
what I mean."
Mission Elementary principal
Tracy Horeson commented, "We
are very proud of playground conduct and hope this kind of behaviour continues in the future."
Make the
anal bleeding
stop, please
Dear Recta: I am a 16-year-
old girl, and I have been dating my
first boyfriend for four months
now. We started having sex last
month, but I think there's something wrong with me. I enjoy it
when it's just me and him, but I
don't feel very comfortable when
he brings his German Shepard or
grandpa to join us. He says that
it's perfectiy normal and that I am
frigid'. Is there something wrong
with me? —Feeling Frigid
Dear ¥Fl. First, of all. have
you tried fucking on a bed of
money? Or cocaine? It's nice. I
totally sympathize with your problem—bestiality and cross-generational experiences can be strange
at the beginning. But when you
look like me and no one has
pounded you in 34 years, you'll
take anything. God, an ex-con
right now would hit the spot. Or a
German Shepard, for that matter.
Dear Recta:: My boyfriend
likes "golden showers," but when
the urine splashes on his face, it
burns. Note: he has a LOT of herpes around his mouth. What to
do? HELP! —Hurts Like Burning
Dear HLB: I am wearing a
leopard skin hat. Why on Earth
would you ask someone wearing a
leopard skin hat about relationships? Or sex? Most people wouldn't ask a leopard-skin hat-wearer
for directions to the bathroom.
God. I have waited so long for
someone to pick me up and get to
work on my teats, safely
ensconced in my leopard-skin bra.
Why can't I pick up? Why won't
someone just grab on and hang on
for the ride? I'm drying up, for
God's sake. I should just kill myself
now.
Recta Foreskin can be heard on
her second-rate radio show on
which she tries to justify her existence on this miserable planet on
97Kiss FM, whatever that is. Other
bad sex advice can be obtained
from www.recta.com or from any
other desparate middle-aged
woman on the Internet. Go ahead.
There's lots. Friday, March 30, 2001
The Prowince • sooo not Hot
mie's
With Jamie WacLaren
After going to
tffe'strip bar, I
got in a fight.
Someone took
a picture of me
kicking this
guy's ass. His
ripped shirt is
from Superstar,
and his jeans*
are Tommy Hil-
figer. He
"favours the
Leafs to win the
Cup this year."
03.28.01
My apartment, some shitty bars, an alley
and my ex-girlfriend's porch
There was nothing going on. I was sitting at home watching a movie, drinking a beer. There was absolutely
nothing I felt like doing to make my life any more exciting. But then again, I had a job to do—1 was sut>
posed to go out and hit the scene. I was supposed to take pictures of people wearing clothes, ask them
stupid questions about their jobs and what they were wearing and why they like one movie star's haircut
more than another s.
was sitting at home, drinking a beer, watching a movie
Free beer winner Neil McFadden^
.\earing Dolce & Gabbana, does
most of his personal shopping in
Rome, London and India, because
"I'm usually gone for a month at a
timer
Steve Armkratt found his faux
leather jacket at a Seattle Boutique, and his medallion at Suki-
yakis in Korea. He says of his hey-
don't-l-know-you look, "I used to
model a lot so people say they've
seen me somewhere before."
.But I had a job to do.
"Where did I buy my Kokanee T-shirt, hone>? Hone>! This guy
wants to know where the fuck I bought my Kokanee T-shirt!"
My ex-girlfriend wouldn't tell me
where she bought her towel. I
think she bought it at Sears. The
bars on her windows and the double dead-bolt locks are from Home
Depot.
Style Magazine's
sales and marketing director
Leslie Shitzu,
wearing a Ralph
Lauren choker,
says TV's best
runway-to-reality
quick fix is "Definitely Fashion
File. It gives me
international
information with
Canadian content."
Invite Jamie to your party.  E-mail details to Jamle@theprowlnce.com or call 733-BEER (2337) |The Prowince • Editorially Bankrupt Pages
Denise L Skulks-kee President and Archdeacon
Vivlenno Sos-no-glee Trying to Replace Michael Cooke
B.C'S SHRILLEST VOICES
Thumbs up
our asses
Published by The Pacific Newspaper and Propaganda Group Inc.
A division of Izzy Asper
63 3« yytoftrsitv Slvd. Vancouver. B.C., V6T 1Z1
Friday, March 30, 2001
Malcolm "Captain" Kirk Managerial Editor
Joey Thompson Just Plain Terrible
Thumbs up: to the provincial
Liberals. They'll unshackle the
booming BC economy so fast that
pretty soon everyone, even children and the elderly, will be working away in the mines when the
Liberals let them re-open! No red
tape! No "environmental regulations" or "minimum wage" or
"conscience"! Just business, as
usual! Gooooo Liberals!
Thumbs down: to the NDP.
Those pinkos have sent BC to hell
in a handbasket. Tuition freezes,
forestry restrictions, and negotiating with Natives. Next you know
they'll be giving our money to
homeless people...if they haven't
already.
Thumbs up: to children. So
innocent and playful. They're our
futui^ and we owe them the
world.
Thumbs down: to pedophiles.
You people sicken us. Not only is
what you do illegal and disgusting, it's chewing up bandwidth,
which makes our e-mail slower.
Fuckers.
Thumbs up: to puppies and kittens, who always make us smile.
So fluffy, with those tongues that
makes us giggle when they lick us.
It's appalling to think that in some
countries, these animals are considered food.
Thumbs down: to scruffy pro
testors. Hey Mr. Patchouli-smoking, placard-waving, "1'm-against-
everything," why don't you do
something effective with your
time—like get a job! Quit trying to
squeegy my windshield and do
something for yourself.
Thumbs up: to sunshine, where
ever you are! You don't have to be
scared, Vancouver likes you. Shoo
those clouds away and say hello
again!
Thumbs down: to hydrogen sulfide. Killing off small-town
Albertans, bad. Flammable and
poisonous compound, bad.
H2S04, you've worn out your welcome.
Thumbs up: to Hedy Fry. Yeah,
right. Where's she from, anyways?
Isn't Trinidad, or Tobago, or
something like that. We think it's
about time to send her back.
Thumbs down: to felching.
Sucking ejaculate out of someone's anus—no thank you. We'll
take our spirit-crushing, sensuality-devoid sex lives any day. Oh,
missionary position, we're right
over here.
What do you think? Did you
like that, huh? Yeah I thought so.
What are you up to on the weekend? Why don't we go for a coffee? Give me a call: (604) 822-0444,
or drop an e-mail thepoint@intra-
murals. ubc.ca.
Senseless ranting!
We don't really know why, but
we're sure it's the NDP government's fault.
The NDP is the reason this
province is in shambles. If it wasn't
enough that they cancelled the rain
that was scheduled to fall this
autumn, they've now gone ahead
and spinelessly caused spring to be
as wet as the autumn was dry!
Despite more than 60 reports from
field greening commissions calling
for a mediated rate of rainfall, the
NDP has instead opted to allow
mother nature to take its course
Now it's going to be those innocent
shoots of grass on our lawns who
are going to pay.
We know a rat when we see one,
and when Ujjal • Dosanjh doesn't
shave for a week his whiskers look
distinctively like a rodent's, not to
mention those glasses, which we all
know he wears just to look smarter.
But the good people of this
province will not be fooled by his
gallywagging. The ever-hungry
Americans to our south will sweep
over us in never-ending waves of
wealth-driven mayhem, and unless
we elect a government that will
make our children into super-strong
cyborg protectors there is no way
that our pensions will survive. If we
don't act now, our property values,
and those of the neglected people in
northern B.C., will drop to pre-1987
levels.
We may not know what this editorial was about, but we know what
we like.
What do you think? Who cares?
Leave a brief comment, your
address, a list of your stereo and
computer equipment and what time
you'll be out of the house next week
on our voicemail: (604) 822-0444, or
e-mail: jesusreigns@armyofgod.com.
Have we created a monster?
Fellow Prowince readers! What
have we become? Can we change?
Is it too late? Are we retarded?
Have we created a monster?
Did we create a monster
of ourselves? If so, what
kind of monster was it?
Has anybody seen it? Did
we create a monster that
fits on the end of a pen?
Profoundly?
We cannot single ourselves out as the culprit.
We should not raise our
own hands above the
heads of the masses of the
suburban readership, only
to have our sordid histo-
min. But we should inform on our
perverted neighbours. After all,
do we bottle our brains? Do we
run over cyclists?
Cheat at the casino?
Abuse our pets? Crash
our cars? Listen to
country pop? Raise
taxes? Wear tight
clothes to school?
What do we do?
Ourselves, are we the
enemy? No!
Prowince readers,
admit: we don't care
what happens in
places like Indonesia.
Though things do
happen      in      the
ries picked apart by human ver-    Southern United States.
Prowince readers! We like sports.
We like sports a lot. We like playing them. Too bad we are fat. We
do not play them. We do not create the monster that feeds us.
Prowince readers! We like
movies. We like watching them,
and we like looking at pictures of
the stars in the E section of the
newspaper. But we do not create
that monster. The monster sometimes spreads its tentacles as far
as our rainy city—the perfect
backdrop for cult TV serials—but
we did not create it. We are blameless.
Prowince Readers! We like
watching TV. We like all the good
shows, and we like to look at the
pictures of all the stars in The
Prowince.
Sure, as readers, at some point
we have to ask ourselves, what is
the point of our existence? Or
why did it happen? Or why were
we allowed to live? But we did not
create that monster. We did not
create it.
Cover my body in water. Drown
me in a sewer. They say the big
one is coming soon, but who
knows. And when death falls from
the sky wrapped up in clouds
dark and heavy on our minds,
what are we to do? We feel it is
wrong. But what can we do? We
did riot create such thoughts—
thoughts that do not follow a
proper pattern of logic.
Like screaming twelve-year-old
girls, we hunger for something we
do not understand, yet we feel for
the rock star when he takes the
stage as we scream his name as a
mantra.
, Readers, soon it will be time for
us to provide some answers. But
they can blame us for nothing. We
are merely observers. The time
will come to stamp out the germ of
laziness that infests our ranks, to
step out from behind the headlines
and be counted, to join together in
a collective re-appraisal.
So, Prowince readers, let us
remember the central tenet of our
faith: we may not all be ivory
tower-types, and may not all be literate, but we sure do like looking
at pictures of Jennifer Lopez.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? NOTHING? WE THOUGHT SO. TELL US ABOUT IT AT (604) 605-2029, OR E-MAIL US IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT HOW. Friday, March 30, 2001
BC'S SHRILLEST VOICES
'Ujjal has never been
elected to be Premier'
I'd like to comment on last Tuesday's article about the fact that,
when Ujjal Dosanjh ran in the last
election, he was not leader of the
NDP. I was shocked and amazed to
find out that the NDP had actually
selected none other than Glen
Clark to be Premier! Thanks for
the impressive investigative journalism. This clearly shows how
inadequate the NDP is to govern
our province!
MARGARET CHAN, Burnaby
Hey, if Ujjal Dosanjh was never
actually elected to be Premier,
why doesn't he call an election?
He must just be trying to turn B.C.
into a communist dictatorship.
MICHAEL ANDERSON,
Coquitlam
Ujjal Dosanjh has shown time
and time again that he is not capable of being Premier. This latest
scandal about having not been
elected Premier in the last election is just one more reason why
he should step down immediately.
What ever happened to the era of
honest elected Premiers like Rita
Johnson?
SETH MOORE, Vancouver
The shocking revelation that
Ujjal Dosanjh was not elected Pre--
mier gives even more proof to the
case that our electoral system is
so obviously flawed. We need to
move to a fairer system, one that
lets the people choose their
leader directly like the American
one. They never have to deal with
any yahoos seizing power by playing the system.
DIANE BOVINS, Kerrisdale
Five-year-old bully
deserves flogging
I was appalled to read that the
five-year-old Burnaby boy who
hit his classmate received
no more punishment
than detention. If
we're ever going to
teach our children to be caring, compassionate members of society we need
to teach them
that violence is
totally unacceptable and reinforce
this by punishing
them harshly.
Flogging, not
detention,
would have
been the
best punishment for this
boy.
The worst
part of this
story though, is
that under the
Young Offenders' Act
the boy's name cannot be published. How
are we supposed to
ostracize our infant
criminals when we don't
know who they are?
NATHAN GILMORE,
Abbolsford
It's the media's fault that we
have kids smacking each other
around. It's no wonder with all
the images of sex and violence in
the media that boys today are so
violent.
The government is even promoting violence by having students listen, read and write
about violence in our classrooms! If the NDP has any sense
left at all, they'll do something
about this and remove the First
and Second World Wars from the
curriculum immediately.
ELIZABETH BYRON,
North Vancouver
Getting the Grizz to win definitely not quantum physics
In responce to your article
about the Grizzlies considering disbandment, I would like
to share the time I met the
Grizzlies with Prowince readers.
The nicest thing about Grizzlies is that they are true professionals, men who have ded
icated their days and nights to
a craft.
When I got to meet them
after winning first place at the
BC Physics Fair, they told me a
few gems of wisdom that have
lit the path of my life: "I hate
sucking" and "not being a real
team sucks."
If 'Grizz' fans could learn to
stop being negative nellies and
start cheering the 'fur,' we
could start not sucking.
I found these words truly
inspiring, since not sucking is
also what has made me an
award-winning student and
scientist at the University of
British  Columbia,  a fine
institution of learning.
Did I mention I've met
Einstein? And Desmond
Tutu? And Michael Hogan?
And Mr. T?
RICKY PRUSKIEDITCH,
Vancouver
The Prowince • Liberal Pages
Talk back
We asked you
Do you think the NDP government is
spending $1.8 billion of your cash wisely?
No, I could buy a house with $1.8 billion.
A really, really nice house...I could buy
pets...nice ones.
MICHAEL SMYTHE, Vancouver
We need a circus
No, 1 have never heard of so much cash
being wasted! Why don't they just build a
gigantic circus for all of the government
clowns. And give the rest to me.
' SUZI-ANN RICHTER, Langley
It's not my money
No, I never ever, ever gave those politicians $1.8 billion.
ANNE ROBERTSON, Chilliwack
Tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts
No, maybe it's just the subliminal messages getting to me, but.. .tax cuts, tax cuts,
tax cuts.
JOHN FRANKLIN, Surrey
NDP: 'slime-sucking'
No, why do we even have government.
Those slime-sucking money-grubbing politicians are all the same. Social programs are
for the weak. I could buy several houses if
we had no taxes. And a widescreen TV. And
maybe even a PIayStation2, but that might
. be pushing it.
PHILLYS HOFFMAN, Delta
Everything is A-ok
I really don't think that taxpayers should
be paying for doctors to be going to college.
They're smart enough already. And the
roads are fine, we don't need to fund them.
MIKE BERGON, West Vancouver
Don't use our money
No, is it really fair that we, as taxpayers,
are paying for this stuff we use? The government should use its own money.
ANDREW AND DEANNE CLARK-LIDNER,
Maple Ridge
On with the kittens
I'm sick of it all! Everyone loves kittens, so
if I had $1.8 billion I would make sure every
MLA had a kitten. It would make them happier and more relaxed and everybody
would make better decisions.
JOANN MARKILO, White Rock
■ Submission should be sent by ma,I to
5959 Student Union Boulevaid, Vancouver,
B.C., V6T III.
U By fax at ;604) 8230764
■ Or by e-mail to
provletters@pocpress.southam.ca
Please provide name, address and daytime
telephone number with submissions. Letters
may be edited for length and clarity
■ ■■
Tha Prowlnca ■ Founded In 1918
Member of the B.C. Press Council
CopyrltJht In tetter* and other materials submitted to the
Publisher and accepted rot publication remain* with the
author, but th* Publisher and K* licensee* may freely reproduce them In print, electronic or other forma. |The Prowince • Spurts
Friday, March 30, 2001
Goalie Potvin
returns, bites
teammates in
collective ass
In his much-anticipated
return to Vancouver last night,
former Canucks goalie Felix
Potvin surprised players and
fans alike by not only kicking
his ex-teammates'asses on the
ice, but also by biting their
asses in the locker room after
the game.
According to Canucks captain
Markus Naslund, Potvin managed to bite the posterior of
every Canuck before being
restrained. Although the team
did not require an ambulance
Sports ticker
to rush the players to Vancouver General Hospital after the
incident, several Canucks players did require stitches after
the savage biting.
"This really came out of the
blue," Naslund remarked. "After
they creamed us so bad [in the
game] I never figured he'd get
so vicious afterwards as well. I
guess this is his way of making
up for the hazing ritual the
guys put him through when he
joined the team."
Naslund was seen to be walking funny this morning.
"That'll show you not to get
rid of me!" Potvin yelled to the
Canucks as he was dragged
from his former team's change-
room last night.
''Potvin has won every one of
his 28 games with the L.A.
Kings so far, and has not conceded a single goal since being
traded from the Canucks earlier
this season. After last night's 6-
0 massacre of the Canucks, the
Potvin's new team is now just
two points behind the Canucks
in the NHL standings. Until
Potvin joined the team, the
Kings had not won a single
match.
The Canucks claimed not to
be bitter. LiarsJ
Figure skater breaks
fingernail, put three
months to one year,
minimum
Some foreigner you've never
heard of fell over in the Belarus
airport yesterday as he returned
home triumphant after last
week's World Figure Skating
Championships. He is reported
to have broken a fingernail but
was otherwise unhurt. He was
still wearing his dumb sequined
shirt at the time. God, figure
skating sucks.
Ben Dover — The Prowince
Felix Potvin, before biting his former teammates directly in the ass,
one by one by one.
UBC men's hockey
team finally wins a
game
The West Vancouver Peewee
Hockey League champion Ice
Hawks were hopeful as they
faced off against the UBC men's
hockey team on Wednesday
evening. It was not to be the
youngsters' night, however, as
the UBC Thunderbirds celebrated their first victory since 1975,
winning a tight 4-3 game.
World Cup qualifier
sparks riots
The Brazilian soccer team lost
its World Cup qualifying match
1-0 against one of those little
South American countries that
the U.S. invaded in the 1970s or
1980s. The loss sparked huge
riots in Rio de Janeiro and Sao
Paulo and caused three Brazilian
team members to die of shame.
Approximately 3,000,000 Brazilians took part in the riots. Seven
F.I.F.A. officials and close to
50,000 fans have been declared
dead. But we don't care, because
it's not here.
IOC officially confirms
golf is, in fact, pseudo,
lame-o sport
In a landmark decision hailed
by rednecks and poor people
everywhere, the International
Olympic Committee ruled yesterday that golf is not a real
sport. The Committee cited
golf's inability to make players
sweat, its slow pace and its utter
failure to be interesting to watch
on TV (unless Tiger Woods is
playing) as decisive factors
against the pseudo sport.
Canucks coach forgets
to include actual
information in press
conference
On Thursday Canucks coach
Marc Crawford held a press conference to reveal that the
Canucks are going to give 110
per cent to get the playoffs.
"What our losses don't show is
how darned well the team is
playing. I have no doubt that the
Canucks are the finest team in
the NHL," he added. Crawford
also said that the Canucks are
"ready to rock." Why Crawford
called the conference in the first
place remains shrouded in mystery.
86ers renamed the
"Louisville Blazin' New
Spicy BBQ Wings for a
Limited Time Only"
Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) has
unveiled its newest partnership in
the world of corporate convergence: the Vancouver 86ers soccer
team. The team previously stated
that they needed to financial partnerships to ensure solvency. KFC
claims the name is "soccer-first,
delicious chicken wings second." Friday, March 30, 2001
San Antonio
EASTERN CONFERENCE
<J   GBW  L   PctF   A   Home   Away   P10    ViWest
3.1415 9    2   6    53 59 79  3    2   3   86 2   6   43 3
PtifPGPtsAPa
83 2    79 52
Sacramento
9716    9    3    99   3    710
9   79 44  9   2   3   07   1   6
2   83  42  53 42   1   1   76  79 82 1   48  86 51
LA, Liken
3   2
3C6649    38469558223172  53 59
2   8    1    1    1   7    02   81   2   71  9   3   82  1   1    5
Dallas
6   2   2    9   49  59 3   03  81   9   6    42 81 09  7   6   6   59  3   3
Phoenix .
1    2   8    56 42  3   3    76   73   1   6    52 71 2    01 9   09 1    4
Minnesota 56692346 03 46103266    42 13392
Houston 6    72 6    2    49   1   41 2    73  72 45  6   6   06  3   1    81  74   1   52
9   6   2
9    2   5    9    1    71 53  6   43 6    79 2   59 03  6   1
Denver
3   3   53 5
46 6   52   1    3
9   51 9   41 51 1    6   9
LA. Clipper!
3    57 2    73 6    5   59 59   1    9   53  09 2    1
1    1    73   81 9
Vancouver
2    6   1    1    79  3    1    051 1    8    7
2   3    79 9   6   2    79 56
Golden Gate 8   72 72 49 1    2   2   79  3   81 83 01 1 9   49 1   2   9    83 3
WESTERN CONFERENCE
0   GBW  1   PctF   A   Home   Away   P10 VsVfert     PtsFPGPtsAM
n-Phitadelph. 6   73 3   6   2    4   6   56  6    43 6   02 1 3   9   49 46 3    9   52
Milwaukee
71 9   0   2   1    79 86 09 43 702 7   53 9   2    1   71 76 2    9   3
New fork
76 72 3
T    1
76 6   9   4    1   3   2   0   6   81 2    71 42
56 2   7    7713    42 75 9    6
1    73 6   3    71 7    2    1
Charlotte
2   49 5343014659537157 2   2   79 6   8   9   2   592   3
OrlanJe
9   9   56 1   1   2   1   2    9
1    9   6   8643 418159  813
9 77 71 3 09 9 6 0518 72 1 1 3 49 9 9 9 9 9 83
7 9 9 51 59 73 1 73 2 81 6
6 3 1
52 4 9 43
Boston
6 42 52 2 3 82 53 3 46 83 52 6 1 9 3 1
Detroit
1 81 71 1 7 1 3 73 87 6 5 3 3 2 83 81 42 06 1 71
Cleveland
76 6 9 1 43 03 59 82 53 49 42 8 46 83 1 1 59 56 2
New Jersey
3    53 79  3   71 9    5    818    78 532    17122    686
Atlanta
6131927661119   59  9216    42 1
Washington
52  52 1065463    27659361533
Chicago
8182 79 6   8233   1    9    523   53018296
9    5   3
Today's Games
Sa\ Antonio at Atlanta, 4:30
Season
Series
SA1-0
LsVegai
Une
SA9.5
Vancouver at Cleveland, 4:30-
Vcrl-0
Oe3
Boston at New Jersey, 4:30
Bos20
pick'em
Ported at Utah, 6:00
Por2-t
Ua5
Phoenix at Seattle, 7:00
11
Sea 3.5
Houston at LA CTtpoers, 7:30
LA. 2-1
Hou3.5
Detroit at Sacremento7;30
SacW
Sac 115
SATURDAf GAMES
V&ncouver at Ma, 4:00pm; Atlanta at Toronto 4:00p.m.; New Jersey at New *rk, 4:30 pm; Denver at
Mnnoesota, 5:00p.m.; Chariptte at Chicago, 5:30p.m.; Orlando at Milwaukee, 5:30p.m.; Philadelphia at Phoenix,
6:00 p.m.; Washington at LA takers, 7:30pjn.
LEGEND: Karnes; GB-Games Behind Leader, W Wins; L-Losses; Pet-Percentage; F-Points For; A-Points |
Against; Home-Record in. Home Games; Away-Record in Away Games; PlO-Record in Past 10 games;
Vs East/West-Record vs Own Conference; Pts FPG-Points For Per Game; Pts APG-Points Against Per
Game; (rj-Regional Television Listing x-CIinched Playoff Berth
The Prowince • "Hews" WIS
SPORTS TODAY
Vancouver Grizzlies
sold for parts, cheap
By Staff Reorter
Having failed to sell off their ailing NBA team to some rich American Southerners, the owners of
the Vancouver Grizzlies are hoping that a change in tactics will
help them get the slanwlunk payoff they've been looking for.
As of yesterday, parts of what
used to be the Grizzlies have been
up for auction. A huge crowd —
including all 13 adolescent members of the Grizzlie fan club —
showed up at G.M. Place on Thursday hoping to score some rare
Grizzlies memorabilia.
"The move to sell off the Grizzlies for parts was a natural decision, given our poor financial
track record to date," said Sidney
Lowe, Grizzlies coach. "I'd been
thinking of selling my sanity
myself, before I lost it earlier this
season, that is."
Some of the first items to go
were Bryant Reeves' fat stores,
picked up by a group of Inuit villagers looking for winter-home
insulation. Grizzlie enthusiast
Mark Clement was apparently
upset that he'd lost the bid, but he
bounced back later yesterday
evening to catch Mahmoud Abdul-
Rauf's Torette's Syndrome at a
cost of $100,000.
But none of those are expected
to grab the biggest prize. The
award for Most Valuable Player
will almost certainly go to Michael
Heisly, whose big fat ass is expected to go for around $300,000 when
bidding on it ends this Wednesday. A crowd of well-financed Vancouver villagers sporting burning
torches and pitchforks are said to be at
the top of the list.
Some   of   the   Grizzlies'   grizzled
Ben Dover — The Prowince
Mike Bibby, here being beaten like a snare drum by Utah Jazz guard John Stockton, has no heart, so the Grizzlies could not auction it off. John Stockton, on the
other hand, Is all heart. What a magnificent bastard.
remains are still unclaimed, however.
Mike Bibby's heart has yet to be located for auction, and no bids have been
recorded on Mike Dickerson's horrible,
horrible beard that's held together by
an elastic band.
NFL to suspend play in 2001—"they're all in jail"
In a surprising announcement this week, the NFL has
announced that it will suspend
play for the 2001 season due to
the unforeseen and unavoidable mass arrests of all but 17
NFL players, along with roughly 50 per cent of all coaches.
The NFL stated that "We'll
get back on track, since a lot
of these guys have really, really good lawyers, and will likely
be back out of prison and on
the field, entertaining children
and adults alike across America as they are so wont to do,"
said a faceless NFL spokesman
NFL
Notebook
One of the remaining 17 players then
burst in the door and beat the NFL
spokesman to death for using the word
"wont" in a sentence. He was subsequently arrested.
In related news, the NFL has decided
to beat the hell out of the XFL using
replacement thugs, who will hunt down
and destroy any XFL players available.
The XFL, whose ratings are so far in
the toilet that you might as well call
Roto-Rooter to try to get them out,
have singlehandedly given the CFL the
credibility that an eight-team league
that once had nine teams, two of them
named Roughriders or some variation
thereof, could only have dreamed of. Gosh,
that was a long sentence. We're sure that
with your sports fan-attention spans, we've
lost you all. Oh, well. We get paid anyway, so
there you go. That's sports for you.
On another related note, we at 77ie Prowince would like to call attention to how
smart we are, what with genius columnists
like Neil McRae, whose chief qualification
appears to be that he's all asshole, all the
time. For a while, we ran Don Cherry's mad
ramblings — "Swedes! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em in
their Swede ears!" -*■ pretty much verbatim,
as our current sports.editor just listened to
Don ramble over the phone, wrote it down,
and printed it! Not only that, but in poll after
poll after poll, you; the sports readers
whose tiny, tiny brajrts get filled up every
morning by the reams of largely transient
and useless numbers we throw on the page
without even checking. You, the reader,
named Cherry (the subject of this rant, in
case you'd forgotten) your favorite columnist! You're idiots! Idiots! Today, we printed
Pi in place of NBA standings up top, and
we're willing to bet that you didn't notice
beyond wondering why the Houston Rockets have played 6 games and racked up 72
wins. You were probably just, like, "Wow!
Those fuckin' Rockets rock, huh?" to your
dumbass sports asshole buddies, who guffawed and said "You said it, Tommy," like the
fawning sycophants they are. We hope you
think about this now. Because there's new
stats coming tomorrow. <9t^aftj«t^.ggB>g.*i^^ eMWMMftMtift leaafearM -«rf^
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Fan
She may not have done
anything today. She may not
do anything tomorrow. But
holy crap. What a total
babe. She's not in the
section today. But we love
her anyway.
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Photo   Courte»r'le Ini   nl  I
Anna Kournlkova, bending over slightly. She's probably playing tennis. But does it matter?
i-   i

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