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The Ubyssey Mar 2, 1964

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•   •   •
•    •    •
the World . . . Oops, wrong picture damn it ... Oh
well, same idea anyway.
Through a conscientious analysis of the past six months
of the year, I have discovered certain astounding facts about
the opinions held by the upper-classmen, about the Frosh.
Fact number one is that we,
the Frosh, are considered to be
nonentities by the fourth, third,
and yes, even the second year
students. Why nonentities?
Well, according to them, it is
impossible for a Frosh to express him or herself on any
matter intelligibly or intelligently. This, of course, is pure,
unadulterated horse manure.
I'm sure every Frosh on Campus fully understands me when
I say that the Engineers and
Sciencemen STINK. And I'm
equally sure the Frosh fully
sympathize with them because
they understand that their
(Sciencemen and Engineers)
odorous condition is due to a
lack of parental interest in
their personal hygiene.
The second fact that I discovered   was  that   an upper
classman can say as many and
more unintelligent and ridiculous things as we Frosh supposedly do. Or didn't anyone
hear the recent A.M.S. c a m-
paign speeches?
The only pertinent fact of
the whole matter is the last
one. Take this one as Gospel.
The size of a student's oral
cavity (mouth, for the convenience of the students who
aren't Frosh), in no way determines the amount of grey
matter harboured in his skull.
This you will no doubt have
discovered by reading the various "rags" passed off as newspapers around Campus.
In order to treat the above
matter with the scorn it deserves and dispel any doubts.
This is a picture of the new
Frosh Executioner.
He was elected, though, so
he must have something. Not
once throughout the entire two
weeks of the A.M.S. Campaign
did he try to avoid the issue
of the FROSH on COUNCIL.
Mind you, not once throughout the entire two weeks did
he go out of his way to mention the issue of FROSH on the
A.M.S. Council.
However, he was fair.
Exactly 16 hours before the
opening of the polls, our beloved Roger openly stated to
a select crowd of approximately 17 people that he was firmly
against Frosh and that he felt
they should not be represented
on Council.
True, out of 3,500 Frosh,
only six heard this statement,
but as the President-elect said
later, "I tried."
Good luck, Roger. We won't
give a damn about Frosh next
year either.
(Editors note: The size of
the article and the picture is
not comparable because the
staff felt that the important
thing was for everyone to
have a beautifully appointed
photograph of Roger to revel
ecstatically over in spare
With study facilities at a
complete minimum, and the
proposal of a new student
nion building already passed,
I believe it is high time that
we considered scrapping SUB.
The reason: we can amalgamate the planned SUB and
College Library with no hardship or inconvenience to the
We can do this because the
activities that supposedly will
be held in SUB are already being held in the College Library. If you don't believe it
can be done take a statisical
look at the way College is being used.
Most studying takes place
in the Collage Library foyer.
As a result of its informal atmosphere and co-educational
surroundings we have this
Studying      63.2%
Lunch Eating      23.2%
Love Making      10.3%
Rain and
Fallout Shelter _ _ 3.3%
N.B. since smoking occurs
100 % of the time, it seems
futile to list it.
The book area of college library is the favourate visiting
ground of all Aggies, Science-
men, and Eugineers, Here.they
can seek their rare books
Sexual Behaviour of Savages,
the Kinsey Report (the male
edition is often frequented toy
sciencemen), and Patterns of
Sexual Deviation and Perversion.
No studying occures in the
stacks, because the staff allows nothing but browsing.
But the staff's best game is
pelvis cracking; they fail to release the revolving bars which
allow one to make a safe,
speedy, painless exit.
Next, the main area in question — the study floors, or
STUD ROOMS. One can meet
most any type of pastime (academic, social, athletic, or erotic) by visiting the stud rooms.
The percentages show exactly
how these rooms are used.
There are 89.6% more people on the lower floor than on
the upper floor, since the washrooms are down there. The
breakdown is otherwise the
same as for the upper floor.
Studying   41.3%
Locker Room  30.9%
Card Room  19.4%
Love Lounge  7.4%
♦Miscellaneous    __ 1.0%
♦Miscellaneous includes everything from flutophone tuning (have you ever tried to
tune a flutophone?) to umbrella drying.
Meeting place for
friends, pick-up for
car pool, etc ._    37.8%
Leg watching
(for males)     27.4%
Studying      19.3%
Husband catching
for girls and
sciencemen)     14.5%
Bean bag, book
& other hard
object tossing   59.4%
Love making  22.5%
Leg showing  10.4%
Leg watching ...__ 6.6%
Studying   1.1%
Some proof is necessary to
show these figures are correct.
On an average day one desk
was seen to contain three
briefceses, six lunches, five
text books, 13 notebooks, three
pens, a ruler, and no humans.
Also the same day: three bridge
games, two poker games, and
one crib game (if you are in
education that makes six) were
in progress simultaneously.
I believe College Library
ranks among the other great
play areas of UBC: Ridington
Room, Education Lounge, and
the sciencemen's Men's Washroom.
Why should we spend millions of dollars on a SUB when
all the activities to be held
there are already carried out in
such completely enjoyable and
academic surroundings.
All year I have been dying
to express my views in my
don't know if I can distort the
facts as well as the experts in
the Ubyssey, but I'll do my
I've heard by way of the
grape vine that Engineer enrollment is dropping while all the
others are rising.
Where have all the big boys
Seriously, I urge all of you
who are as yet undicided on
your second year courses to
brave the Engineering display.
I hear it's a really big shoe.
Speaking of our buddies on
the Lower Mall, I can't help
pondering the outcome of the
upcoming court case. My,
haven't they changed since
their lily-white testimony at
the beginning of the year when
they slandered last year's
Frosh president.
Oh,  well.  Who  cares?
That reminds me, I have to
pick up a loaf of bread on the
way home.
Now where was I? Oh, yes,
back to campus in justices.
How 'Bout that DELICIOUS
(?)   cafteria   food?
For years the government of
Canada has been sending
CARE packages ov e r s e a s
chocker-block-full of GOOD
(continued on page 2)
see COYOTE Page 2
Monday, March 2, 1964
What do you mean "didn't get a chair," Mr. Ward ? There was exactly the right number before the meeting.
(Continued from Page 1)
whatsoever, in the minds (what
minds?) of the upper-classmen,
I, Freddy Frosh, have liberally
sprinkled this tabloid with
samples of ''Words of Wisdom."
None of said words are plagiarized. They are all original,
which just goes to show that
Frosh can and do make intelligent statements. We can also
discuss many matters intelligibly on or off Campus. However, many Frosh do not wish
to do so. Why? Because some
dull-witted upper-classman
might overhear them whilst
skulking around for some original ideas on some diverse essay topic.
This, of course, would never
do. The dolt would probably
rush over to the library, then
rush back because he forgot
his books in Brock, then rush
back, find a seat (this of course
is an optimistic upper-classman) and dash off some plagiarized ideas. Result: 35 percent on the essay.
The ideas were fab, but the
spelling and punctuation was
the sh(Ed. Censored)ts.
Frosh, I leave the decision
in your hands. Are these bigoted opinions on the part of
the upper-classmen right?
I hope my "Words of Wisdom" will meet your approval.
On Friday morning last,
Giant George Railton, the
Ubyssey strong-man, invaded
the relative privacy of the
Frosh Undergraduate Society
office. "I want to see the
proofs of your newspaper, because I am, or rather the Ubyssey is responsible for all material printed on Campus." No
please, thank you or kiss my
On the previous Monday,
Railton toid yours truly that
he had divorced himself and
the Ubyssey from the Frosh
Newspaper, the Odyssey.
This all started on the precedent of the Leask, Birnie feud,
in which Mr. Birnie was relieved of his position as Newsletter Editor.
If they do, please let the Frosh
Council know.
I feel, thus far, that I have
expressed myself in an intelligent and superlative manner.
Because I, like the rest of the
Frosh, am the GREATEST.
Jason Leask had refused to
comment to the Ubyssey reporters about the matter, so as
Mike Vaux said, "I had to slant
the article."
The article that Mr. Vaux
said he slanted was the one entitled "Fire the publisher, says
Since Jason Leask wouldn't
contribute an opinion or comment, George Railton seems to
have taken the matter
It sure is funny how scared
the Managing Editor of the
Ubyssey can get over what the
Frosh are going to say. Really
George, we don't tread that
Editor Pete Johnson
Assistant Brian Fraser
Managing Jack Shaffer
Ex-Editor Al   Birnie
Consulting Jason   Leask
Publisher ___________   F.U.S.
(continued   from   page   1)
food. What about the poor peasants on the home front?
Then... I was thinking ....
but... naw, you wouldn't be
I just bougth a Physics Lab-
book the other day. Over a
buck-and-a-half is a little steep
for a glorified exercise book,
me thinks. Especially when
everything I've been taught in
Economics is contary to the
monopoly held by the;... uh ..
book store.
What else is sick on campus?
Hmmm, that's a stupid question. Let's look into something
that people think about. I
know, forget that too.
SAY! I got it The College
Socializing was great for
the first six months, but things
are getting a little stiff around
here now that there are only
six weeks left. If I wasn't such
a mild type, I'd make the
broad suggestion that a few of
the loud mouths in there shut
up or get out.
Bye, see you next year.
Frosh Be
It has been a big six months
for the Frosh.
The experience of coming
out to University was interesting, for the most part, for
none of us knew what was
going to happen.
We had vague premonitions
and doubts running through
our minds that made us conspicuously pie-eyed, but -when
it came to concrete foresight,
we were as innocent as the
AJVLS. campaigns are long.
Conditioned in high school
to learning things that were
no more controversial than the
outcome of the world series,
we came to these hallowed
halls able only to discuss and
write about our world on only
its aseptic, bleached - white
We took everything at face
value, unless of course the face
happened to be ugly — then
we didn't take it at all. We
were convinced by our Senior
year that it was all right to
know the complete picture, but
it was acceptable universally
to give only the watered-down
Then we hit our first lectures.
We took D. H. Lawrence to
the decomposition plant in
English 100. We found that
there was no necessity to decompose the workings of Lawrence's mind, for he was already in the final stages of
After years of the "just isn't
talked about" theory, we went
to Zoology and found that it
was perfectly acceptable to
discuss the mechanics of life,
marvel at the wonder of birth,
and maturely delve into the
origin of everything from microbe to Man.
In Psychology, we found
that Lawerence wasn't actually
perverted, he merely had an
Oedipus complex, and Freud
agreed with him, only more
After three weeks, every veil
that had been meticulously
tied around the "taboos" by
our well-meaning teachers, had
been torn away.
There were other things.
There were the Engineers'
raids and the acceptance of
"Frosh" as a dirty word, rather
than an identification label.
There was the temptation to
take coffee breaks instead of
Finally, there were the
exams and the sudden realization that studying was more
than a myth or a legend sanctimoniously handed down to us
by veteran students.
Now we know what a hard
course is like. Now we know
what independence is, and its
Now we know that there is
a lot more to University life
than choosing the right courses
and scraping up the money
every summer to pay for tuition and keep for a year.
We know now, but in high
school we knew nothing;
There is but one consolation:
the people coming next year
will know as little as we did,
and it will be our turn to scorn
and sneer, "Eeeeeeeeeaacchhk!
Frosh." Monday, March 2, 1964
Page 3
High School
Dear Mommy:
The conference executive
has given us a few hours to
run wild so I thought I would
write and tell you what has
It was real mint! First thing
they made us do was sit in a
big room with glass all around
and smile at the university
students. Gee, they're mature,
Mom. You should see all the
officials running around madly
making sure every little detail
is just right. They must have
run around for over an hour
before they were sure that
everybody knew what they
were doing. Then we heard
speeches from all these keen
people that were milling
After we finished we were
shown around to all the nooks
and crannies of the campus.
Gosh, it was terrific but my
feet are sure darn sore. They
took us to lunch but that did
not bother me much. You know
I'm not much for food anyway.
(Continued on Page 4)
The proposed Fee increase: "Never have so many,
paid so much, for so little."
Our girl won again.
As Musa Lincke said, "To do justice to the Waterloo
Winter Carnival would certainly take more than my infint-
essimal ability." For this reason I will merely give you a
brief summary and leave the application of praise to you.
After a stimulating flight on
which our Queen met the former Lieut. Governor Ross,
Musa landed at the Toronto
International Airport and was
greeted by the Dean of Women
from the University of Waterloo.
Unfortunately, there was
some difficulty with the plane
and there was a delay in the
proceedings. After a breathtaking coverage of 75 miles of
highway, she barely arrived in
time for the welcome.
Friday was the day of the
Pageant. There was a rehearsal before the actual announce
ment of the Queen in which
Musa ironically took the part
of royalty. We know of at
least one person who believes
in good omens.
Awed by the pace of the festivities, Musa said she understood why Waterlooans say:
"We spend the first term preparing for our Winter Carnival
and the second term recuperating from iW"
"Waterloo was wonderful,
but it felt good to come home
to Vancouver and UBC again."
said the smiling and pretty
Since it is probably a foregone conclusion that all you
English 100 fiends have been
having considerable difficulty
in the selected poems of T. S.
Eliot, the editors have decided
to help you out and print this
helpful article that will make
everyone an Eliot expert.
The title is usually the most
important part of Eliot's poem.
If there is anything to do with
the in-explicable scientific phenomenon of sexual inversion
and deviation of the Dryso-
pfoila fly, disregard the title
and come back to it when you
have finished the rest of the
The first stanza is the key to
the poem. Here Eliot expresses himself fully as to where
he will be driving during the
remainder of the poem This is
very important to remember
and will usually get you started on a first class essay.
The second stanza is usually
concerned with a recap of the
first stanza. It is here that
Eliot will express his total beliefs on the existence of a supreme   being   other  than   those
mentioned in the title or the
foot-note of the previous poem.
It is important to remember
that in this respect that Eliot
was not a Sino-Japanese otherwise the whole of the poem
will seem like a bunch of hooey
to you.
If your English Professor
seems to be in some way or
another Russian to you, make
sure that you mention in any
essay that Eliot was a dogmatic supporter of the Bolshevik
Revolution and it will do wonders for your final standing at
the end of the year.
The third stanza is very
important. Not only does it
separate the second and fourth
stanzas, but it usually helps to
contribute something to your
understanding of the love of
time-gods and religious ceremonies such as the total annihilation of Buddhist Monks
through the use of TCP. However, if you are not registered
in Auto Mechanics, this interpretation will be of little use
to you.
Now we come to the fourth
stanza.   It is very important to
remember that this stanza will
seem very vague to you. This
is because Eliot always took
his coffee break at this point
and perpetually forgot what
the hell he was writing about.
Any idiot, however, can always add his own interpretations to the poem. This we call
Poetic Licence. You can always use the most general
interpretations of the stanza.
"I am the king." "Justice will
triumph," or since Eliot was a
deep Christian ... "It is the
will of almighty God, et al.
In conclusion, just remember that Eliot is a human
being, just like you or Roger
McAfee. Not everyone is a
literary genius. Birnie included (Ed Birnie, that is, of
course). Eliot's themes usually run in this general drection.
Ed.—The staff of the Odyssey would like to thank the
English 100 Profs, for once
again managing to give a conflicting interpretation, of every
poem and story, to each of the
100 classes.
Thursday, March 12
Freshmen will be able to learn more about the different Fraternities on
March 12 at noon. There will be a touch football game between Frosh
and a team of representatives from each Fraternity, on the Gymnasium
field starting at 12:30. After fhe game, Frosh are invited to tour the
Fraternity Houses and meet the Greeks.
-MM Page 4
Monday, March 2, 1964
The Invasion of
The Sigh! Ants
Let me tell you something about ants.
There are many different species of ants in the world.
In colour, they range from black to various shades of yellow
and, though they have an obviously homy skin, they have
no backbone. For this reason, they rarely stand on their
own two feet, but prefer to crawl around in groups.
Though I have been on this
Campus for six months, it was
only last week that the presence of a nest of ants was
brought to my attention.
I was sitting in English, paying close attention to the palm
of my hand, when I overheard
the tail-end of a conversation
between two of my fellow
". . . sigh! ants," the voice
Dropping my all-important
morning eye-lid exercises, I
brought myself into full contact with the physical world
and tuned in on the discussion.
The second person seemed to
be as astonished as I.
"Are you sure it wasn't the
fellows in red?" he asked.
Red ants! I thought immediately. But soon I was to be
proven wrong. I listened for
the reply.
"Positive," he said angrily,
"It was definitely, sigh! ants."
"Ah, it was only a joke," the
insect lover  insisted.
"Joke!" came the tortured,
half-screaming whisper. "You
wouldn't think it was much of
a (Censored—Ed.) joke if you
had been trapped out on that
(Censored—Ed.) Marine Drive
behind a solid wall of fire
when you (Censored — Ed.)
well had a {Censored—Ed.)
class at eight-thirty, I'll tell
So it was established.
Not only did I find that there
is a colony of dirty (I am forced to accept the testimony of
my irate classmate, for he
seemed to be quite an authority on ants) red ants nested in
a large building near the
Lower Mall, but that there is
a particularly vicious, destructive and nomadic branch of the
southern fire-ant infesting the
Campus, at large.
Well, I was deeply shocked.
It was almost enough to make
old Froshbull jump up on a
chair for fear of touching one
of the greasy little creatures.
But that wasn't all.
They must indeed be some
strange breed of hybrids, for
according to my informant,
they were not only colored
black and blue, but had a distinct streak of yellow where
their spines should be.
In the words of my friend:
"(Censored—Ed.) sigh! ants.
The little things think they're
pretty big until they face something red, They have to travel
in groups for protection, they
are spineless, and they've got
a streak of yellow down their
backs this long. They sure
know how to run on those
stubby little legs of theirs."
Where is all this leading?
Well, something should be
But by whom?
There are thousands of
Freshmen on Campus 'who are
eager to take the job, but they
are so loaded down with other
goodwill ventures by this time
of year that they can't spare
the time to step on these so-
called sigh! ants.
Perhaps, with luck, the
stronger, but weaker-minded
red ants will dispose of the
sigh! ants and the Freshmen
will be able to spare a few
hours to annihilate the reds.
THIS I KNOW: something
must be done about this terrible blight.
Any volunteers?
One of the questions which
the present Student Revisions
Committee is pondering is
whether Frosh should be integrated into Undergraduate So-
cities vertically or horizontally.
Vertical integration would
mean that students planning to
go into Commerce, Engineering, etc., would become active
in these U.S. even though they
were registered in Arts I or
Science I. Horizontal integration is the system which Frosh
have now, with the Council
composed of representatives
from the 100-odd English 100
Advocates of the vertical integration contend that Frosh
would receive experienced
leadership from senior students. Under the system
Freshmen would also be associated with students who had
similar academic interests.
Some U.S.'s such as Agriculture, Home Ec, and Education
are operating under such a system.
The opposition to vertical
integration is that the bulk of
first-year students are registered in Arts or Science, large
faculties which have a h a r d
time reaching their own mem
bers, as was emphasized by the
turnouts at recent elections.
Science polled a total of 170
votes or 10 percent of their
membership, a poorer turnout
than was registered at the
Frosh Elections. Many students
have not decided on goals in
their first year, and therefore
would receive no benefit from
vertical integration.
The present system of Frosh
overnment has proved unsuccessful because it has failed to
get Frosh active. This could be
rectified by making greater
use of the English representatives. By electing them at the
beginning of the term and organizing them into various
committees, the present Frosh
Undergraduate Society would
be strengthened. The Frosh executive would also become
more effective by having a
senior student appointed as an
executive secretary. This senior member would indoctrinate
the council with the workings
of the A.M.S.
Both these systems have
their drawbacks but the vertical integration has certain
features which seem unworkable.
Frosh Debaters
Make Semi-final
The frosh debating team, consisting of Ken Hiebert and
Evert Hoogers climaxed a fine
string of victories by reaching
the semi-finals in the inter-faculty debating competition.
Before losing to Agriculture,
the frosh team defeated Science and Grad studies. Agriculture went on to lose in the
final debate to Law.
Congratulations,   Ken   and
Evert, on a job well done.
LOST: One Hertz Rent-a-car. If
you have any information see
AMS office. _    	
WANTED, Ubyssey editor. No experience or knowledge of English
necessary. Apply Ubyssey office
for   interview. _    	
LOST: Two pages of stories and informative articles. Apply Frosh
FOR SALE: 12 dozen second hand
photos of Musa Lincke. Apply
Frosh  office. 	
LOST: One student from high school
conference. If you have any information please write to Sidney Pot-
tavlnichov,   Nelson,   B.C.
LOST: One text on "The Projection
or the Farther Image." Contact
R.  McAfee,  if found.
FOR SALE: One second hand rough
copy of The Odyssey. Apply Al
Birnie,  Ubyssey office.
FOUND: One Hertz Rent-a-car stub
with greasy fingerprints. Apply
Jason   Leask.
WANTED: Seventy-two strong men
needed to remove Engineer stickers from various areas around
Campus. Apply B & G office.
WANTED:  One distinctive  fountain
for Frosh office.
WANTED: One little Bo-Peep to
keep Peter Shepard company while
he   flocks  around.
LOST: Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Janle's desk please contact Chuck Rennie.
LOST:    Twenty-six   status   symbols
complete    with    crests.    See    Jim
Ward  if  found.
WANTED.   Steve   Whitelaw,   alone.
(Continued from Page 3)
They took us to   dinner,  too,
but I didn't bother to eat then
Last night we all congregated in the glass room again
and we listened to another fellow talk. One of the kids
asked him why there was so
much animosity between the
faculties and we spent the rest
of the time discussing it. We
didn't decide anything definite
but we sure thrashed it out.
There's only one thing that is
troubling me, Mom. Now that
I know what university life is
all about, what in heck am I
going to do when I get out of
high school?
See you in a coupla days,
Mom.      Love,
Ed.—Harry Highschool, that is.
Tom Bullock
Harry Highschool
Fuller Froshbull
Steve Whitelaw
Dan Cumming
Al Birnie
John Kelsey
Helen Gurley  Brown
Randy Glover
A synopsis of the present- A.M.S. Council:
"Never have so many done so much,
for so few."
It is doubtless that the majority of the Frosh have found as
they have progressed (progressed? Who ever heard of t h e
Frosh progressing?) through
the year, that the major occupation at UBC is bridge playing.
In the following weeks I
hope to give you some of the
knowledge that has made me
what I now am . . . (choose
your own word). Among the
topics which I hope to bring
you, I hope to include the following priceless gems:
1. When and how to open 4
no-trump with "yarbor-
2. a) How to place the Ace and
King of Clubs at the head
of your Queen, Three and
Deuce of Spades, and
then win the bid in
b} How to act nonchalant
and unperturbed when
you discover your mistake.
c) How to very casually
move the King and Ace
back to their proper place
3. a) How  to bid   1 no-trump
when you're vulnerable
and need only 1 club for
b) How to go down 11 tricks
when in the same 7 no-
trump hand, doubled and
4. How to sit back with 26
points in your hand and
pass because you'd rather
play on defense.
5. How to bid Clubs when
you meant Spades and
win the bid.
6. How to spend 15 minutes trying to decide
whether or not to play
the 5 or 3 of the suit
that's being led, after being trumped.
7. How to trump when you
have 5 or 6 cards of the
suit that's been led.
8. How to spend 15 minutes
trying to decide whether
to play your Queen, King
or Ace to beat your opponent's Jack.
9. How to take out trump
(lead to your opponent's
10. How to bid your void
with 13 points and win
the bid because your partner has 3 points. (For a
void in the suit bid.)
11.a) How to lead from your
hand when you won the
last trick from the dummy.
b) How to lead from your
hand when you didn't
even win the last trick.
c) How  to   lead  before the
bidding even starts.
12.a) How to trump your partner's winner,
b) How to over-trump your
13. How to yell at the top of
your lungs, Oh Mint!
when your partner lays
down the dummy and
then proceed to lose 12
14. (And Finally.) How to
pick up the tricks you've
already won and place
them in your hand for
extra tricks at the end of
the game.


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