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The Ubyssey Dec 2, 2005

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Array L tt" 3     #' 7
PENIS VERSUS PUSSY
And Ellen Degeneres comes out on top.
Page $1,000,000
GAVIN DONT
Old man trapped in AMS exec's body.
Page 5
TOE BASOR COMPLEX
Coupling disease overtakes Ubitchey office.
Page 18
www.ubitchey.bc.ca
Vol.LXXXVII   N°24
Friday, 2 December, 2005
 Merry Cameltoe since 1918
HK
WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE: Our global citizens give the earth a great big bear hug and a cheeky slap on the ass. muffin man photo
UBC Qatar slated for 2006 opening
by Basil Expo
NEWS PREDATOR
UBC officials put to rest months of
rumours and speculation Wednesday
when they announced the creation of
the UBC Qatar (UBC-Q) campus.
Set to open in September 2006,
UBC-Q wiH create 5,700 more post-
secondary spaces in the arid
nether-region.
"The creation of UBC-Q marks not
only an opportunity for Qatari students to share in the UBC educational experience, but wiH also help
British Columbians become better
global citizens,* said UBC President
Marta Pipper at a press conference.
She added that global citizens are "a
good thing."
A chancellor for the new campus
has yet to be named, but sources
close to Pipper say that Bort is likely
to be nominated for the position.
Pipper said that UBC-Q wiH offer
programs in the Faculty of Arts as
weU as a new School of JournaHsm.
She explained that the new journalism school wiH be a joint partnership with Aljazeera, a broadcaster
based out of Qatar.
In a shocking move, Flurry
Pissman, dean of the Faculty of Land
and Food Systems (LAFS), announced
that the entire LAFS faculty wiH be
relocated to UBC-Q.
Responding to questions pertaining to the practicaHty of the decision,
Pissman commented that the new
location wiH provide students with
valuable practical knowledge.
"Sure Qatar's arable land is only
about 1.5 per cent of its total area, but
hey, in 20 years, 'cause of global
warming, that wiH be true for the rest
of the world," he said.
"We at LAFS like to beHeve we're
ahead of the pack,* he added with a
bemused grin.
Pissman added that the UBC-Q
Farm is planning to produce organic
rocks for student consumption.
Although UBC officials were
guarded in their statements around
tuition levels at the new University,
the Ubitcheyhas learned that tuition
may be as high as 50,000 rials.
"I think* (tuition wiH] possibly
go [up] in the coming" years," said
VP Students Bryan "bow-tie"
MuHivan candidly. He said this dra-
conian measure was necessary to
preserve UBC's image as a post-secondary hegemon.
"As an ivory tower of educational
imperialism, it's our job to piss everyone off,* he said. "Tuition is just one
way we have of doing that*
Almost Matters Society President
Spencer Pees commented that he
See"WTF?"page2.
UBC slides
into Pacific
down slope
of slippery
buzzwords
Experts report that the
university's linguistic
foundation has been
deteriorating for years
by Exlax Messie
BEARDED LADY-THING
A loud crunch, a slow grind and a
long, gradual blub.
That's how onlookers describe
the sounds that deafened UBC's
students, staff and faculty
Wednesday afternoon as the
entire university slid off its ocean-
view perch and sank, vanishing
into the waters of the Pacific.
Scholars investigating the event
have reported its cause to be the
increasing deterioration of UBC's
rhetorical foundation over the past
several years-
"It was a- disaster just waiting
to happen,* said David Lurie, a
speciafist in Romantic Hterature.
"Just think of the language this
place is built on. Buzzwords aren't
bricks, people. What does 'global
citizen' mean, anyway? Does anyone actuaUy know?" added Lurie.
"UBC's a big campus, it's pretty heavy. You need strong words
to hold up a major university,*
explained Bob McGuckle, a weU-
known Linguistic Architect.
According to McGuckle, in order
for an organization or community
to retain physical stability, it must
be built on a coherent, logical language system.
"Lately you could drive cement
trucks through the holes in this
See "Pipper remains peppy "page 2.
Student's term paper solves
famine and poverty in Africa
Political science student lauded as next
Bob Geldof, rumours of Nobel Prize
started by Dick Johnson, Warren Peace
by Lizzie McGiizzle
WHO IS SO VERY WHITE
Celebration raged into the late afternoon in the Buchanan Penthouse yesterday as Prof. Dick Johnson
announced that history has been
made at UBC.
Second-year poHtical science student Margaret "Maggie* Wyndbag HI
is being honoured for having solved
the problems of famine, poverty and
violence in Africa in the term paper
she handed in Tuesday for her POlI
269: World PoHtical Problems Solved
in Twelve Easy Steps class.
"I've been worried about Africa
for a couple of weeks now," said
Wyndbag. "I'm just glad it's been
taken care of now. I'm really glad I
could help," she added.
The term paper, which has already
been treaticised and signed by aU
African countries, proposes measures
to solve aU of the problems that
Western society has been pretending
to care about for years. When ratified,
Canadians were reHeved to hear, there
will be no more need for World Vision
infomercials of starving children or
landmine victims. The unpleasant
side effect of these informercials for
many people has been the sensation
of guilt somewhere in their stomachs,
See "All in a day's work"page 2.    IT'S THAT EASY: Wyndbag solves global problems one fake footnote at a time, muffin man photo
* -i
fin
■If?
;ro~53S£H!HS^/'B|SBSg^
-J.t 2 News
Friday, 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
Pipper perpetually peppy
"Snap!" from page 1.
place's rhetoric," commented
McGruckle, biting into one of
those great cream-fiHed donuts
from that secret Tim Hortons
beside 99 Chairs that no one tells
their friends about
Rescue teams were immediately deployed after UBC met its
watery demise. Inflatable rafts
were thrown to aid the victims.
Rafts were first thrown to
tenured professors, then, in
order of UBC's hierarchal socio-
professional structure, staff,
graduate students, undergraduate student, and sessional
instructors. UBC President Marta
Pipper was air-lifted from the
frigid waves by a golden helicop-
ter piloted by her self-proclaimed
faithful companion, Bort
Standing on the shore overlooking the floundering members
of her community, Pipper shouted
encouragements, comparing the
dry shore to the Utopian refuge of
global citizenship.
UBC student Phillip Glasses-
que, completing his MA in
music, was swept into open
seas. "The experience really
helped me to better understand
my anonymity as a student,
awash in a large impersonal
system. Literally/ Glassesque
commented.
It has yet to be determined
when UBC wiH be replaced to its
original location.
A killer whale taking a nap in
the water UBC crashed into
commented: 'It's not like
humans have ever respected
my space. AdditionaUy, fish is
very good to eat*
It is crucial that UBC establish
a sound linguistic foundation
before rebuilding is attempted,"
said Lurie. "The hoUow parts need
to be fiUed in, buzzwords need to
be replaced with terms that can be
clearly defined, instead of terms
like 'global citizen' and 'innovative
pedagogical interactiveness' that,
quite frankly, are an insult to the
English language.*
Marta Pipper, in a public
statement yesterday, announced
that UBC is taking advantage of
the "glorious opportunity" provided by the disaster "to reach
out to our aquatic neighbours."
A committee headed by Pipper
wiH be looking into estabfishing
UBC-W (UBC-Wet) that wiU focus
on building healthy relationships with fish, kiHer whales
and "all of our water-bound
friends here at UBC."
Though no casualties were
reported, it is likely that certain
students in privileged programs, such as Honours
streams, will be wet behind the
ears for years to come.
"This event is to be taken
very seriously,* said McGuckle.
"This is a call for UBC to rethink
the shaUow rhetoric from which
it forms itself. You can end up
in deep trouble. Ha ha. Pun
intended. Ha ha ha."
McGuckle cited "accountability" as his favourite UBC buzzword.
It is so gloriously ironic to use the
word 'accountabiHty' in an unaccountable rhetoric."
For now, UBC remains at the
bottom of the Pacific. Salvaging
is scheduled to begin early next
week.
But rest assured, Pipper promises that the salvaging techniques
will be highly innovative. Of
"Ivory tower of educational imperialism/'the
next move from "global citizenship"towards
more inclusive "galactic citizenship"
"World wide wank" from page 7.
looks forward to working with the
UBC-Q student society on a regular
basis.
"When it comes to dealings on an
institutional level between two
autonomous student societies, one
must be sure to emphasise the important role that vague statements of
appreciation play, ensuring that no
actual dialogue occurs but allowing us
the opportunity to take road trips out
to the campus in question," he said.
Further expansions of UBC are
currently unknown, but some are
suggesting that UBC Mars may be
the next step. This rumour was substantiated by a recent memo that
was circulated around the Old
Administration building asking officials to drop the term "global citizens" and instead refer to "galactic
citizens" dining pubHc speeches. II
Aiding Africa all in a day's work for Wyndbag
"Poverty slayed" from page 1.
something which no doctor has yet
been able to cure.
The plan laid out by Wyndbag's
term paper, as explained by
Canadian diplomat Warren Peace,
explains the economic salvation
potential of marijuana in places like
Sub-Saharan, as weU as non-Sub-
Saharan Africa. Wyndbags proposes
that instead of debt forgiveness and
foreign aid, measures she calls "totally amateur" and "like, majoriy stupid", rich countries should export
marijuana to third world countries.
The plants can be spread out in
between the corn stalks, like we do
where I come from in Ontario, to
help stop soil erosion and stuff like
tihat" said Wyndbag. She explained
how drought could be used as a productive way to dry the weed for smoking and other inhalatory uses.
Wyndbag feels that the relaxing
effect of the marijuana on African citizens will quell any violent tendencies in that part of the world. They'll
all; like, totally chill out I think that'd
be a totally good thing, I mean, ultimately, right? They'H stop killing
each other for stupid reasons."
Having solved many of Africa's
environmental chaUenges as weU as
offering a solution to the warfare that
has plagued the continent for the last
60 years, the pot can be sold to
Europe at jacked up prices and Africa
can anticipate being one of the richest continents in the world, according
to Mr. Peace.
"Oh yeah, I totally included some
impressive sounding economic jargon in there," said Wyndbag. Tm not
totally sure I understood everything I
wrote, but Kofi seemed impressed."
News feed from Johannesburg
already shows a reduction in violence.
Bonfires started in buildings have
quickly turned into jam sessions. Bob
Marley made the top ten list and there
appears to be a revival of the dread-
lock hairstyle. Other African stereotypes have not visibly manifested
themselves as yet but there has been
a migration of middle-class white people from Canada to parts of Africa in
the last week. Updates to follow, a
Night Aquatic
Sub Rm 205
Dec 2,7-11pm
CiTR and The Ubyssey's joint
bzzr garden collboration. No
cover charge and you get to
wear that sexy tight speedo
you've been hiding in the back
of your closet. Just bring ID and
money if you want to drink.
Elclaudio bares for ali
Elclaudio's bedroom
Dec2allllllnight
This means you. The more the
merrier, especially in this camel
toe. BYOVC—Bring your own
vibrating condom. Make note: it
only lasts for 30mins. Extras are
appreciated.
Jousting tournament
B-Lot
Dec 3, 4-6pm
Come see the jousting keeners
solve the most philosophical
puzzling questions of modem
time. Watch out for flying limbs
and gnomes—if you're lucky.
Cat calling
UBC Farm
Dec 2,8-whenever
This long UBC Geek tradition for
over 50 years gets together
again   with   all   other   Geek
groups to compete against one
another in a competition of the
noisiest and most screech-wor
thy cat calls. Bonus points
achieved for kitty mimicking.
Proceeds go to the Kattar fund
for obese cats.
New Religion with tasty
treats
Gunter McPaunch's basement
Dec 5,6-midnight
Gunter prepares a feast for all
those arriving to talk about the
pains of everyday life by
embracing his new religion.
McDawnalds will be served for
the brave souls willing to take
on this new force. Drinks will
also be provided. What drinks
you ask? Well...as Gunter says,
"What's a good night without a
little surprise?"
Foreskin Anonymous
Marta Ripper's office
Dec 5,7-9pm
Marta knows about the problems. Marta knows about foreskin. Those seeking solace can
find comfort with others in this
very anonymous meeting
where all can share about their
experiences about foreskin.
Big Orgy featuring Nevin
Keyhole
Nevin Keyhole's office
Dec 4,5pm-wheneveryou come...
Lubricant    and    condiments
provided.
HELP A CHILD WHEN GIVING
THIS CHRISTMAS. Christmas cards
will be sold for $3 with proceeds going
to Advocates for the African Child, an"
organization providing legal support
and education for unlawfully detained
Ugandan children. Nov 29 and 30,
10arn-2pm, outside south SUB doors.
ubcek@yahoo.ca for more info.
CANADA OUT OF KANDAHAR!
Emergency Antiwar Picket! Canadian
Forces Recruitment Office 1071 W
Georgia, 12-1 PM, Monday Dec 5.
FREE THE CUBAN 5 HELD IN
VS JAILS! Forum and Film Showing.
Collingwood Neighbourhood
House. 5:30 pm Fri Dec 11th. www.
vancubasolidarity.com
mpioymen
WANTED- FULL TIME/PART TIME
BARTENDER & WAITRESS FOR
LADNER PUB. Must have 'Serving it
Right', sundancepub@hotmail.com
miiioymeiit upportunmes
piMumthiirtiHimnwinnnn
CARING UBC STUDENT LOOKING
FOR HOUSING FOR DECEMBER
OR SOONER. Seeking safe, warm, stable
environment with other females. Must
be in university area, in Kits, West Point
Grey, or Dunbar (north of 45th, west of
Balsam roughly). Aesthetic environment,
in the $550/ rent range maximum. Much
prefer main floor suite, or non-basement.
Please contact Naomi Hart at (604)221-
1856 or email naomala@hotmail.com
with subject. Thank you.
caoemic services
ADVENTURE! Teach En^ish
Worldwide. Earn Money. Get TESOL
Certified in 5 days. Study In-Class,
Online or by Correspondance. No degree
or experience needed. Job guaranteed.
To learn more, come to a FREE Info
Seminar Tuesday @6pm, #203 1451 West
Broadway. 1-888-270-2941 globaltesol.
com
ADVENTURE! Teach English
Worldwide. Earn money. Get TESOL
Certified in 5 days. Study In-Class,
Online or by Correspondence. No degree
or experience needed. Job guaranteed.
To learn more, come to a FREE Info
Seminar Tuesday @ 6pm, #203 1451
West Broadway. 1-88&270-2941
globaltesoi.com
xira uumcuiar
ENGLISH SPEAKER SEEKING
MANDARIN SPEAKER FOR
LANGUAGE EXCHANGE. Write to
Lance at bluedragon90@gmail.com
INTERESTED IN ALTERNATIVE
MEDICINES? Join Our Club! Countless
opportunities for involvement, such
as: writing a scientific-based article or
volunteering for our Spring Conference!
Visit www.aims.ubc.ca or email:
info@aims.ubc.ca
uy&se
MOVING SALE! Very new King size
bedframe and mattress for sale. Wooden
headboard. Asking $400. Wood computer
desk and computer chair- $ 150 for both.
Call 604-267-9805.
oiunteer upportunities
ADD SOME LAUGHTER TO YOUR
LIFE.   Men and women volunteer
for one hour a week with boys and
girls in local elementary schools. Call
604.876.2447 ext. 246 or
www.bigbrothersvancouvet.com
MAKE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE!
Volunteer overseas with Youth Challenge.
International on a hands-on development
project for 5 - 12 weeks. Ready to go next
month? Next summer? Visit www.yci.org
to find out more!
GRAD STUDENTS - the Vancouver
Society for Sexuality, Gender, and Culture,
a non-profit society, seeks members
for working committee and board
member roles. This is an extraordinary
volunteer experience for Grad students
in the area of Health, Counseling,
Education, or Business. Contact: Michael
VSSGC@telus.net or (778)837-1575
To place an ad or a classified,
caH 604-822-1654 or visit
Room 23 in the SUB (basement).
%ht XIHtchcu
Friday, 2 December, 2005
Vol.LXXXVH N°24
Editorial Board
COORDINATING EDITOR
Porkpie Pillowface
coordinating@ubyssey.bcca
news editors Basil Expo &? Zabbo Bop
news@ubyssey.bcca
CULTURE EDITOR
Lincoln Washington-Ford
culture@ubyssey.be. ca
SPORTS EDITOR Nut Meg
sports@ubyssey.be ca
FEATURES/NATIONAL EDITOR
Xanadu Newton John
features@ub5rssey.be ca
photo editor Muffin Man
photos@ubyssey.bcca
production manager Peanut Maybe
production@ubyssey.bcca
Coordinators
ubitchey Little Tyke
leslie@littlemisssatire.com
volunteers Lizzie McGrizzle
volimteers@iibyssey.bcca
research/letters El Claudia
feedback@ubyssey.bcca
The Ubyssey is the ofikial student newspaper of the University
of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday
by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous,
democratically run student organisation, and aB students are
encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They
are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily
reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications Sodety or the
University of British Columbia. AR editorial content appearing in
The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Pub&ations Society.
Stories, opinions* photographs and artwork contained herein
cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission
ofThe Ubyssey Publications Society.
TIk Ubyssey is a fwadkiqmi^
(CUP) and adheres to CUP% gukfing principled
your phone number/student^ (not for
publication) as well as your year arid faculty with aH submissions.
ID will be checked when submissions are dropped off at the
editorial office of The Ubyssey, otherwise verification will be done
by phone "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but
under 750 words and are run according to space, freestyles" are
opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be
given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is
time sensitive. Opinion pieces wiii not be run untii ihe identity of
the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey reserves the right to edit
submissions for length and clarity.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Sodety fails to publish an
advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the
UPS will not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS
shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors
that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
EDITORIAL OFFICE
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bcca
e-mail: feedbadk@ub5rssey.bcca
BUSINESS OFFICE
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ub5irssey.bcca
business manager Fernie Pereira
ad sales Bernadette Delaquis
ad design Shalene Takara
A tug thanks for helping make the satire issue
goes out to: Michelle Mayne, Jesse Marchand,
Eric Szeto, Simon Underwood, Trevor Gilks,
Claudia Li, Levi Barnett, Colleen Tang, Alex
Leslie, Yinan Max Wang, Boris Kirby, Bryan
Zandberg, Paul Evans, Megan Smythe, Andrew
McRae, Champagne Choquer, Liz Green (who
was here in spirit), Carolynne Burkholder,
Meredith Hambrock ana Kellan Higgins. You
all rock in so many ways. Yay team Ubitchey!
and yay alcohol!
editorial graphic Indeed!
V
v_
anadian
University
Press
Canada Post Sales Agreement
Number 0040878022 THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
Culture 3
it
English Department to be renamed Old
Straight White Men in Literature Department
by Pootie Tang
WESTERN IDEOLOGY BURLAP CHIEF
UBC English professors held several meetings
with the student society as well as the English
department head and have come to the decision to change their Department name to the
Old Straight White Men in Literature.
'Considering the focus on the readings that
this department has on such writers such as
Wordsworth, Arnold and Poe, it will come as
no surprise tp anyone why this name change
resulted," said English professor Phil
McCracken. 'It was only a matter of time
before this was made official. It was in the
works for many years.*
'Students have asked me/ added
McCracken, 'what do we teach in the English
department? All we ever study is Geoffrey
Chaucer and John Stuart Mill. Well here is the
perfect opportunity for students to know exact-
DAFFODILS RAWK, YES THEY DO: An
old white straight male writer reflects
sombrely on his canonicity and continued fetishlsation. muffsm man photo
ly what this department is about.'
There was some concern voiced over
Shakespeare's suitability due to lingering
questions about whether he was actually
'straight' enough.
'For a while it seemed problematic to us to
call the department Old Straight White Men
because of Shakespeare and his questionable
works—whether he portrayed a less than
'straight' view/ said the head of the department, Scott White. 'Shakespeare plays such a
dominate role in our department so we decided, after much deliberation, that he in fact is
straight. Shakespeare in Love was proof
enough for us all.'
Students seem to be in favour of such a
change.
'I would be proud to be called an Old
Straight White Men in Literature major/
beams third year English student Robert
Smith. 'It's just so refreshing to see the students' needs being met. I know I've been advocating for such a change. I mean, we hardly
study anything but old straight white men in
hterature, so why not make it obvious? There's
no point in misguiding the students/
'At first/ said president of the English students society Bodacious Ferrari, 'I thought it
was unfair because I thought about some of
the authors I studied and I don't recall them
all being old straight white men but then when
I really thought about it, I knew I could not
deny the truth. That name completely depicts
what I'm learning! I am just thrilled to be part
of the Old Straight White Men in Literature
department.'
AMS president Spencer Pees was very
eager to put forth the motion of the new
department name.
'It would bring a different flavour and
intensity towards the major. This change
marks the beginning of a new University. I
think it's a move in the right direction/
Pees continued, 'As shocking it may seem
to be changing a department's name, I feel
that we are setting a new trend. We already
have the Land and Food Systems Faculty
WE WANT TO PLAY TOO!: Writers excluded by the English Department's traditional
curriculum are disappointed in the lack of representation of their work arid lack of
interest on the part of students to discuss art being currently produced, muffin man photo
whose name was just changed last year, why     tant to keep abreast of things/ added Pees,
not change more?' who then sniggered at his use of the word
'These are changing times, it's impor-     'abreast/ II
Terminally-ill role-playing gamer arranges for character to live on
"Just because it's my time to go doesn't mean Zorbon has to die too," says student
By Zany Zanerson
BOY PONYTAIL OF DEATH
Jason Freemason is a fighter. Diagnosed with
the world's second terminal case of Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD) last spring, he's
been in hospice care ever since.
He says his friend Zorbon was originally a
table-top role-playing character he invented
back in high school, a time in his life when he
was very lonely.
'Zorbon talked to me when nobody else
would/ says Jason. It didn't take long for the
two to become fast friends, even if their relationship was marked by some tense periods.
'When I told him about how the jocks
would push me into lockers and trick me into
drinking pee they used to put in drink boxes
after gym class, he was furious/ Jason
recalls. 'It was all I could do to stop him from
adding slime and flame powers to his arsenal
and killing everyone/
'He definitely helped me through some
low spots/ Jason adds wistfully.
He says Zorbon made the transition from
fantasy to reality by complete fluke: 'It was
when Zorbon was level seven and I rolled
five consecutive 20s during a battle with
Behir in a heinous elven dungeon in the
Skyrealms of Jorune that I knew/ he
explains. Total luck of the dice/
More than just an understanding ear, Jason
says his new friend added some other things to
his life: 'That roll was worth a lot of power
points!' he laughs, before becoming really sad.
At this point, a nurse comes in to change
Jason's bedpan and since it's visiting hours,
Zorbon is a few steps behind her, just like he
MONSTER'S DAY OUT Zorbon tests the waters on Granviiie St. muffin man photo
is everyday. The nurse has trouble pulling
the bedpan out from under Jason's trench-
coat, which he refuses to take off even though
it makes him really hot in his pyjamas. She
spills a httie of the contents on the gurney.
'Role-playing games are more collaborative and social than competitive*, begins
Zorbon, the orange, people-eating social
neophyte doing his best to diffuse the awk
wardness of the situation by changing the
subject. 'A typical role-playing game unites
its participants into a single team that
adventures as a group/
Jason says that kind of community was
just the thing he was missing in high school,
and, after graduation, in real life.
'In role-playing games there are no winners or losers/ he says.
Watching the nurse struggle with a brimming bedpan in the poorly fit and underfunded hospice centre, the unfairness of it all
comes singing home.
'I'm gonna miss you, buddy/ sobs
Zorbon, as he bends down to give his companion a reassuring hug. His twin-horned
helmet falls to the floor, and when he
straightens up after having collected it, there
are tears welling up in his eyes.
Zorbon is a Tiybrid-character,' a cross
between the fighter, monster, thief and mage
with an emphasis on interpersonal skills, mental and visual spells, and supportive magical
abilities. One ofhis gi flings is singing a positive
stats-aiding song, which typically boosts Jason's
energy level ld4 points. .
Now, however, Jason and Zorbon both
want to talk about the shift in Zorbon's alignment—his moral or ethical perspective. Jason
says these days he feels ill each time the
many-legged orange monster croons.
*I used to be neutral-good/ explains
Zorbon. 'Now I'm worried I'm getting a Httie
too chaotic-evil. I don't know what my greed,
hatred, and lust for destruction will drive me
to do once Jason's gone/
But before he fiilly surrenders himself to
the spread of evil and chaos, he wants to help
his friend die with dignity.
'And that means people like you are
gonna change my buddy's bedpan before the
whole room starts to smelllike shit!" he
growls at the nurse, who scampers timidly
out of the room. His eyes glow like embers
before receding to their usual hazel.
"Don't worry buddy/ he says, turning to
Jason. "I'll take care of you/ a
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Friday. 2 December. 2005   THE UBITCHEY
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Student Services holiday hours
Enrolment Services and Student Development & Services (www.students.ubc.ca)
would like to inform students about our holiday hours. All units will be open as
usual until 4:00 pm on December 23, and will return to normal hours beginning
January 3, 2006. Some units will be open from December 28 to 30.
Housing & Conferences: 10:00 am to 3:00 pm from December 28 to 30, inclusive
Student Information Services: 10:00 am to 3:00 pm from December 28 to 30, inclusive
Registration hotline: 604.822.2844
Student Information: 604.822.9836 and 1.877.272.1422
(toll-free in Canada and the continental USA)
Student Financial Assistance & Awards: 10:00 am to 3:00 pm from December 28      *
to 30, inclusive (limited service)
Career Services: For career information, please consult www.careers.ubc.ca.
Counselling Services: For 24-hour crisis counselling, please contact: j**^.
All regions: 1.800.SUICIDE j
Vancouver: 604.872.3311 and 1.866.661.3311 (toll-free) ""
Student Health: Patients requiring medical care can
attend the UBC Hospital's Urgent Care
Department.
international. Go Global, YouLead or (.House Students.
In case of emergency, we can be reached through
Campus Security at 604.822.2222.
^
* *
JACKPOT: What about my ching ching thing? large farva photo
Tuition hiked 8,000 per cent
by Hesly Martin
BOOZE STAFF
Tuition will skyrocket 8,000 per
cent over the next ten years according
to a recent study done by the new SUB
Starbrick's employees.
'We determined these results by
a complex algorithm of the ratio of
coffees sold matched with current
tuition prices divided by the size of
my bosses' pants/ said Likme
Krotch, a barista at Starbrick's.
Since the study was released
mass panic has spread amongst
UBC students.
'I've had to employ the countdown
withdrawal method with my interac
card/ said Fryin Mebacon, referring to
a controversial method of money managing which involves not knowing your
balance and trying to guess how much
money you have left by trying to make
withdrawals.
'First I start with $60. Then if I
don't have enough in my account to
withdraw that I then try $40. If it's still
not enough, I give $20 a try/ added
Mebacon. "It can be frustrating a httie
like playing roulette with your account
but it's way better than paying that 50
cent fee to get an account balance
printed from the machine.'
Igot Theclap, has also used a similar method after extra tuition payments were automatically withdrawn from her account last month.
'Come on big money, big money!'
screamed Theclap while standing
outside her Kitten Royale Bank
machine. 'Aww come on $40! $20?
$10? Yessl! Jackpot!!!!!!'
The countdown withdrawal method
has been gaining popularity amongst
students within the past few months,
but has really taken off recently with
the introduction of withdrawal betting.
Wart Hogg, a first-year biology student and loan shark has been selling
bets to student withdrawals for the past
week. 'It's really great when the student just has no concept of how much
money is left in their account.
Especially when they are sure that
there is quite a bit of that student loan
left,'said Hogg.
'Those ones I makes tonnes of
money from. When we see a well-
dressed student approaching a bank
machine I begin taking bets on how
much they will take out. When they
get that insufficient funds message
that's when the bets really start to
fly. It's 10:1 that they will be able to
take out $20 less, 5:1 that they will
countdown and not have any money
to take out at all.
'Mv breasts are huse/ added
Krotch who plans to raise extra funds
for her tuition by pocketing the money
gathered from selling beverages at
Starbricks. 'I think I can save up to $6
million per day/
UBC officials were unable to be
reached by press time, due to the fact
that they weren't called. B9
UBC to become Starbricks' franchise
>
 *-*»■*
.._      _        _..  „i.JRf!L
Communications Services, Enrolment Services
'^rtt>&&£^^
by Frenchie Lickmeballs
POLKA DOT EDITOR
Not content to have five separate outlets on campus, Starbuck's has purchased the University itself.
'I was driving around campus in
my golden rocket-car when I went for
five minutes in between passing each
Starbuck's' explained Starbuck's
President Joe Stud. 'And many students are poor and slow, so it would
take them even longer. This simply will
not do! But soon there will be a
Starbuck's on every floor of every
building in addition to coin-operated
coffee fountains in every bathroom.'
In addition to these major commercial renovations, Stud also outlined
some key policy changes.
'From now on, all courses will cost
$4.65 plus tax. Unless you want them
non-fat, which is an extra 50 cents.
And we will rename the SUB. At first I
was just going to replace 'student'
with 'Starbuck's' and leave as is, but
then I found out that the U stands for
union! Naturally, this almost made
me vomit in my platinum-plated toilet, which was filled with diamonds at
the time' elaborated Stud before having a vice president pack his mouth
with shark caviar.
This takeover has resulted in mixed
reactions from students.
'I think it's, like, totally great' commented first year Arts student Jenna
McGee. 'I've only been at UBC for, like,
not even a year but I've been going to
Starbuck's forever! I really want an
education, but thanks to Starbuck's I
don't have to, like, go somewhere I've
never been before.'
Third year Science student Jim
Blawn feels differently, however. 'I
think it's totally unethical. They're getting these degrees by exploiting impoverished Mexican academics and then
jacking up the price to rip us off. And
they just fire professors right before
they get tenure so they don't have to
pay them more/
Also in opposition is former UBC
President Martog Pipper, who claims
she was forced into the arrangement
'The financial pressure was too huge.
They were already putting us out of
business, I didn't really have any
choice.' When asked her biggest complaint about the regime, Pipper
claimed 'the degrees were fine the way
they were! Starbuck's just fancies
everything up with all this crap you
don't need. Now when students go and
ask for just a regular degree, the professors look at them like they're crazy.
They don't even have plain degrees on
the menu any more!' II
H
9
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THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
News 5
i
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i
Homophobia disguised as deep
appreciation for the classics
"It's not that queer people make me uncomfortable,
I just don't like reading about them"
by Lexicon Silly
FANTASY BUREAU CHIEF
Jarrod Smith loves to read.
He always has, ever since his
grandfather gave him the collected
poems of William Wordsworth
when he was eight years old. 'I
read those poems and I thought,
'This is it!" said Smith.
Over the remainder ofhis formative years until he entered UBC in
2002, Smith read up on all the
classics, from Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow to Matthew Arnold to
Thomas Grey. 'I learned what
makes a writer from them/ Smith
explained. 'And I learned what
makes a man/ he added, solemnly
beating his chest with one fist.
This year, Smith was shocked to
experience discord in an
American poetry class when he
informed his classmates of the
obvious superiority of his views.
Argument arose regarding one of
the poets being studied in class,
whose work is explicitly queer-
themed.
'One student accused me of
being homophobic. And I'm not!
It's just that queer poets obviously
aren't as... canonised... I mean...
well, you know what I mean/ commented Smith.
'It's not that I don't think their
writing is good, I just really like
Wordsworth/ he added. "Don't I
have the right to like what I like?"
Shana Varlow, a lesbian student in the class, takes issue with
Smith's missionary position.
"The guy is obviously a huge
homophobe. Liking Wordsworth is
an excuse not to talk about that
fact that he feels like a worm on a
hook when he's around queers,"
added Varlow.
The dispute arose when Smith
admitted to feeling that the queer
poetry being studied could be better studied from the dominant
straight perspective.
'Why does everything have to
be so gay when we're talking about
gay books?* asked Smith. 'They
accuse everyone else of being het-
eronormative. Well, maybe,
they're being homonormative.
Take that, buster."
Varlow retorted, "Only a complete ignoramous would use a
word like 'buster."
In order to foster an openness
to queer perspectives in class, the
professor introduced activities
designed to open the students's
minds. Students walked diagonally
around the room for a full ten minutes, crossing the floor from corner to corner, in order to explore
what it means to not be completely straight all the time.
Smith found the activity highly
uncomfortable.
'Walking diagonally everywhere
took up so much time, it was just stupid/ said Smith. "Besides, you'll
never get anywhere if you keep
experimenting with every little
thing. What's the point?"
Smith added that Wordsworth
was never forced to walk diagonally anywhere, especially when he
was striding rigorously through
the English backcountry, and he
did just fine.
"Jesus, why are people always
illin' on Wordsworth all the time?"
he added.
In response, Varlow threw up her
hands in disgust and transferred to
the university of Turtle Island,
where everyone is accepted. II
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Publisher wants their textbook back
AMS pundit presumed to
be this missing textbook
by Zabbo Roc
FRIED CHICKEN DISPENSER
An Almost Matters Society (AMS) VP
was put on recall earlier this week,
after a publishing company realised
that one of its textbooks had morphed
into a bona fide person.
According to Rundownhouse,
Davin Too-too, commonly recognised
by the student body as one of the most
verbose and loquacious members of
the student society, materialised from
a first year poHtical science textbook
entitled, "Dogmas and Dreams.*
'We know you're out there. We
want you to come home to where
you belong,' said Pat McCrotch, a
spokesperson for Rundownhouse.
Unaware it was a figment of an
overactive poHtical imagination, Too-
too ventured to UBC and was voted
into his current post
McCrotch explained that there
would be no repercussions for the
mishap, and indicated that anybody with information as to his
whereabouts would receive a $25
million reward.
Too-too is insulted and refutes any
such claims.
'For people to think I'm a magniloquent speaker is unmerited,
prejudiced and mendacious," said
Too-too. "The accusations are out-
landishly exorbitant. I'm asserting
that this meta-ethical dilemma is
preposterous."
"What is even more profound is the
fact that some people beHeve that I am
sort of pseudo-human, a transmorph-
asition of a text There is no such diction in my personal lexicon to describe
the outlandishness of such a posita-
tion. It is ostensibly clear that I be not
a book/ said Too-too.
"I propose we create a committee
and issue a survey to incentivise the
student population and find out
what I think."
PENSIVE: Too-tootion all night long, peanut maybe photo
AMS representatives are confounded by the news.
"I always wondered how somebody could use so much empty rhetoric but manage to get by/ explained
Messica Smug, VP Maternal.
'I guess I never thought anything
about it until one day we were having
a conversation and I swear to God, I
couldn't understand a word he was
saying. It was English, I'm pretty sure
it was EngHsh but I couldn't teU if it
was, so I smiled and then proceeded
to walk away. I haven't spoken to him
since/ said President Spencer Pees.
Others beHeve he is an artificial
intelligence entity.
"He once ran a sentence of about
40 words, each containing an average of six syllables. One doesn't nor-
mafly scrutinise another's manner
of oration, but I was suspicious that
he was some type of cyborg trying
to subjugate the human race into
an eternity of slavery," said Scurvy
Peats, AMS scamager.
"I checked each of the words he
said later on that day," he explained.
'Only three of them were actual
words. So I concluded from that
either he was a cyborg or a thesaurus gone bad.'
'After much deHberation I concluded he was a cyborg. There's no
other reason why he says he needs
nourishment when in fact I caught
him inserting some type of butt-plug
from the wall to recharge himself in
his office/ said Peats.
Rundownhouse will be investigating this further, but still
encourages their lost textbook to
return to his home.
"If people are in doubt, just stick
to this maxim: if it walks like a duck
and quacks like a duck...same goes
here...if it talks like a textbook and
uses retorts like a textbook, then
weU, draw your own conclusions,"
said McCrotch. II
<7 v
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Friday, 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
Two out of five sociologists agree: trucker hats still the King of Cool
'The other three guys are lame anyway, so who
gives a shit what they think/'say UBC professors
by Borlene
THE BETTER HALF
Three years and 18 million dollars
after starting their research, two
UBC sociologists have determined
that trucker hats are still the best
bet for the socially-ostracised and
insecure that want to be cool and
gain acceptance on campus.
The 36-month study took the
group from frat houses to Good
Charlotte concerts, and then back
to more frat houses in studying the
phenomenon of habitual conformity on adversity campuses.
"What we discovered was that if
someone is looking to shed a lifetime
of loneliness, social insecurity, and
unpopularity, the trucker hat is a godsend/ said sociology professor and
study coordinator Cole Danus.
"Whether you were a geek,
dork, dweeb, loser, or simply a
Star Trek fan in high school, the
trucker hat allows you to fit right
into the plethora of students desperately seeking to shed their past
and bask in the warm glow of
social acceptance."
"This study is the culmination of
a lifetime that my colleagues and I
have spent trying to fit in and trying
to be cool" said sociology professor
Terry 'Dirty' Sanchez.
The study went on tb suggest
iPods may soon overtake trucker
hats as the next conformist craze.
"iPods are now the accessory of
choice for those who want to be
considered cool but need an
excuse not to talk as not to reveal
HEY, 1 JUST DOWNLOADED ACCEPTANCE! LARGE farva photo
their true, lame selves to society."      chology student Adam Todd. "My
"My trucker hat defines me as     iPod on the other hand validates
an individual* said third year psy-     me as a human being."
Fourth year English literature
student Samson Chesterfield
echoed similar sentiments.
"The first thing I look for in a person is the presence or the absence of
a trucker hat," said Chesterfield.
"The second thing I look for is white
ear buds. The third is a Starbuck's
specialty coffee.
Sanchez believes as long as students crave to be included in the
mindless mass of amorphous conventionality that is student society,
there will always be need for these
kinds of studies.
"This was 18 million well
spent. What could be more valuable then helping people be molded into what society expects of
them," says Sanchez.
"Toys for misfortunate children
during the holiday season?" I ask.
We both share a good laugh
afterwards, a
—with files from Pagan Smyvans
THE CANADIAN INSTITUTE OF CHARTERED BUSINESS VALUATORS
CALL FOR PAPERS:
CICBV NATIONAL BUSINESS VALUATION RESEARCH COMPETITION
Sponsored by
CICBV RESEARCH INSTITUTE
Supporting research in business valuation
The CICBV Research Institute encourages and supports the production of research that is of
immediate interest to Chartered Business Valuators (CB V) and that will enhance best practices in the
field of business valuation.
Award Amounts
«VIM*'**A**A*AA*AM*«Aftn**MM*^***rtAA*AArtA*A*MrtMAAArt**AMM*AAniVI*'V*Ar
♦ $5,000 will be awarded to the top Research Paper.
♦ Up to four additional awards of $ 1,000 will be given to Research Papers of distinction.
Pa *x
♦ The competition is open to undergraduate and graduate students enrolled at a Canadian
University.
♦ Any topic related to business valuation will be considered. Examples of topics are Valuation
of Intangibles, Stock Option Valuation Models, Real Options Valuation, etc.
♦ Research papers must be submitted electronically, not exceeding 20,000 words in length,
exclusive of exhibits.
♦ Research papers will be judged by a Panel consisting of CICBV Members.
♦ The winning research papers will be considered for publication in the CICBV Business
Valuation Digest and on the CICBV website.
SUBMIT PAPERS TO:
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SUBMISSION DEADLINE:      May 31,2006
For more information on The Canadian Institute of Chartered Business Valuators visit:
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Chartered Business Valuators
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'■"   ^m^r.y   W*
News
Thongs
Major fecal incident disrupts
production
The RCMP were called to the scene late
last Thursday for what they are terming
"one of the worst fecal incidents since
the shit demon from Dogma."
According to sources, members of the
Ubitchey editorial staff took a communal crap in their office and then upon
being instructed by police to do something about it they proceeded to hurl
their largest logs at each other.
Almost Matters Society President
Spencer Pees said that this demonstrates why one should always be wary of
newspapers.
"A newspaper office is no guarantee that drunken debauchery won't
occur," he predicated.
SUB Rat King runs for AMS
VP Admin
In a shocking move, the infamous SUB
Rat King announced his candidacy for
the upcoming AMS elections. Word of
this announcement came as a surprise to other VP Admin hopefuls.
"I don't think I have a chance anymore," remarked Pan Pan, another VP
Admin candidate. "I mean, heck, the
rodent population accounts for nearly
half the voters."
The SUB Rat King could not be
reached for comment by press time as
he was busy teaching young mutant
turtles how to fend for themselves.
Giantress to take over UBC
Among the nominees for the next UBC
president is an applicant with gjnor-
mous proportions, known to those
who fear her, only as The Giantress.
Although there were many other applicants, they were soon quashed by The
Giantress's rather long and smelly
foot "I...am...pleased...to...succeed my
throne... to Hie Giantress," said current President Martog Pipper before
being picked up and having her head
bitten off by the new UBC President
Moths drawn to flame
Three moths met an unfortunate
death last Wednesday after the lights
from a nearby Wreck Beach fire drew
them to the their fates. "In all my
years of being a nude swimmer, I
have never seen anything so horrible," said traumatised student Iva
Wrinklydink. A funeral service will be
held for the moths today at 7pm.
Since it will be dark out the service is
expected to be fit up by street lamps
and small fires, ii
i
Hi.'
m THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
News 7
a
i
PippBat signal lights up UBC skyline
Super hero vows never to leave a Trek 2010 initiative struggling again
Guitar turns into cat
After months of speculation it has been determined that this
is an enormous cat. peanut maybe photo
by Porkpie Pillowfece
SNOOZE EDITOR
Several students and staff members
were left startled last Saturday by a
strange light being projected against
the undersides of the clouds.
As part of the ambitious U-Town
plans to make the campus safer,
UBC has installed a light fixture on
the top of the UBC Hospital that projects a large image of a bat against
the sky.
'As UBC continues to expand
into U-Town, traditional policing
just isn't able to enforce the 2010
visions anymore/ explained UBC
Police Chief Jim Gordon. 'So now
we're looking to the skies for a new
kind of hero.'
The signal is actually a way for
Gordon to contact a masked crusader known only as 'PippBat.'
PippBat's identity remains
unknown, and with the exception
of the hght signal, the only known
contact with the PippBat occurs
through UBC President Marta
Pipper, who claims to be 'old
friends' with the PippBat.
*Yes, I do know the PippBat personally. I've also slept with her span-
dexed side-kick Bort-bin. Mmmmm.
In fact, I would be more than willing
to deliver a message to her if you
want' said Pipper during an interview in her office. Many have speculated that this mysterious character
could actuaUy be a threat to campus
safety, but Pipper claims 'PippBat
may not follow all the rules, or play
it lyy the book/ but one thing is for
WHO IS THAT MASKED PERSON? Save us! enan max wong photo
sure: she's committed to ensuring
the furthering of Trek 2010 initiatives of sustainability and global citizenship.  Wherever there's  a kid
throwing a can into a paper-only
recycling bin, wherever there's
someone acting locally [as opposed
to globally], PippBat will be there.' II
m 8 Feature
Friday, 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
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9
•  •  •
• ••••••••••••••••••••••»9«99««*«
•
•
Worried about surviving Winter break with your dysfunctional family, popping rum balls like happy pills?
Concerned about your mental health during this time of
required generosity, especially in regards to the aforementioned dysfunctional relatives?
Nervous that this Winter break will be a catastrophe ending in watching a half-cooked turkey being hurled by your
mother at the retreating buttocks of a terrified uncle?
Well, all families are nuts, so get used to it
Have a great break, everybody!
•
•
9
9
e
• ••••••
• ••••••••••••••A
• •••••
F^reWe
Her many sides:
HER MARTIAN SIDE: The only University president in Canada to perfect the body
language of not only Earth students, but extraterrestrials as well,  peanut maybe photo
■■■-/O-ifrrtnfrn'-fr'-g .i .if ...    ■'M.-'.'-'V.ifriV   . i_
HER VAMPIRE RAPTOR SIDE: Crystal-clear buzwords and rhetoric aren't her only
strengths. She can also flash those teeth like some nasty kinda lady, peanut maybe photo
HER "BITCH, BRING IT ONNNNN" SIDE: Are you talkin' to me, bitch? You talkin' to
me? Bring it ON. I am one hard-assed global citizenship. Hit it peanut maybe photo
1 THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
Feature 9
For many years, cur dear University President (for whom our reverence is illustrated below using the international measurement system
j of Penguin) affirmed our collective Utopian UBO-elves, lightened our
| wallets and rhetorical rigour, and above all, warmed our hearts. This
year she leaves us. The Ubitchey salutes her truly innovative efforts.
POUR VOUS, MADAME PRESIDENT
anonymous
you are our sun
our moon
out stars
our forever
your cropped hair so neat
hke a bowl
full of chips
but no dip — hygiene!
you shook my band once
the grip was cold
but the palm was sweaty
ifelt your pain
per
(why do you me?)
like droplets, like rain bitting the roof of a concrete
bunker.
j heard you 're leaving
no it can't be true
we were kindred spirits, you and
i sold you a lamp
ILLUMINATION
i needed the money for drugs
(sorry for mentioning tbe drugs)
passed Ihe joint like Steve Nash
wanted you to know
whispers, don't leave me here
you never had me over for breakfast
BITCH
i didn't mean that
emotion Hooding from die rooftop
Sowing westward to tlie
as wide as your ftippered embrace
Danny Devito horizonbilised
i hold you deep and warm
mylitde chip bowl
i need some money
can i have that lamp back?
to live la vida loca
like you always did.
thankyou for being a friend 10 Feature
Friday, 2 December, 2005
THE UBITCHEY
Friday, 2 December, 2005
Feature 11
A day in the life of UBC
Citizen Freddy Jamal
ILLUSTRATIONS BY WASHINGTON LINCOLN-FORD, WHO IS QUITE BENEVOLENT
Freddy Jamal Wong, UBC Global Citizen, dreams of
giving a speech about UBC's innovation and inclusiv-
ity to the UN with UBC's new President Freddy
wakes up and wonders why his sheets are soaked.
Freddy eats a full continental breakfast, also keeping
in mind sub-continents, peninsulas, and all those
other things in the global spectrum of geographical
formations.
a
Freddy puts on one of his four UBC hoodies.
Today he is feeling a little blue so he puts on a
yellow hoodie to cheer himself up!
V'&^l^l M^
Freddy says a prayer for
all those who do not
own UBC hoodies.
-<r.
Freddy debates globalisation with a fellow student on the B-
Line while heading to school, before he recognises that his
fellow student doesn't give a shit.
Freddy attends his first class of the day, leaving a separate column in his notes with the heading "How does
this affect Africa?" He makes a placard on a whim and
greets his classmates with it at door as they exit
For lunch, Freddy heads to the village to eat at the International
Food Fair, which he likens to a gustatory UN. During the brief, brisk
walk, he contemplates the sad
state of impoverished regions, like
those in the nation of Africa. In
order to be very Global, Freddy
eats sushi, Chineses dumplings,
Vietnamese noodle soup and butter chicken from Curry Point He
stirs it all into a mix on his plate
and eats it with a fork in one hand,
a chopstick in the other.
On his way to Buchanan, Freddy steps into a
puddle. He stares into his reflection. Is that the
face of a Global Citizen? To be a good Global
Citizen, Freddy takes off his shirt, uses it to
mop up the puddle, and then puts his shrirt
back on. (Global Citizens never go nude).
Freddy buys a globe on the way home. Back in his room,
Freddy rehearses his Global Citizen dance: Dance of the
Happy Schmuck. The phone rings and Freddy picks it up.
It's his friend George, who invites Freddy out to a party.
Excitedly, Freddy grabs his coat and heads to the door,
promising himself that this time he's going to get some
tail, just like any good Global Citizen would do.
/
M; 12 Sports
Friday, 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
Getting sucked into a giant mans penis foreskin-would
'really blow.- but we guarantee that sort of thing doesn't
happen at the^ Ubitchey. office. Or maybe it does. W hate vs.
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STUDENT   TRAVEL   Si   BEYOND
Medieval jousting not the solution to
philosophical quandaries, say skeptics
Philosophical debates now resolved through ancient art of jousting
by Zabbobop
SPORTS RETORTER
Philosophers that have answered
some of humanity's most fundamental questions through the art
of the medieval joust have drawn
fire from critics who argue that
bloody violence cannot reconcile
age-old debates.
"We were sick of complaints that
the department had nothing concrete to offer to our aspiring philosophers except a useless string of
rhetorical questions, so the logicians
as a group decided to nip the criticism in the bud/ said Hany Pelviis,
department head.
Every fortnight a round of
medieval jousting commences at
the stroke of midnight. Two
armoured men equipped with
horse and metal prod square off by
starting in opposite ends of a field.
They then proceed to charge
towards one another in an attempt
to knock each of their horse.
But instead of fighting for honour,
they fight to answer philosophical
quandaries. For example, for the
question of whether free will actually
exists, one person would have the
position of yay while the other would
hold the position of nay.
Last person standing wins and the
answer to the burning question is
therein determined.
So far issues of God's existence,
free will, reality, and the meaning to
life have been answered through this
groundbreaking competition.
However, critics of the program
question the efficiency of the
process. Since the program started
last term, a total of four fatalities
have occurred. There have also
been  over  a handful  of broken
necks, and amputations as a result.
"Are solving these problems really
worth losing an appendage for?"
asked Zabbo, director of the Coalition
of Anti-amputees, a group dedicated
to preventing amputations. "Wow,
you've solved the longstanding question of the infinite regress but you're
also missing a leg, half an ear and a
rectum. Was it worth it?"
"I believe the irony in all of this is
that philosophers have figured out it
was immoral to kill someone after
someone had killed someone in
competition."
Jack MeoJBf, one of the original participants of the UBC Philosophy joust
team, learned that discovering the
meaning to life was really not worth
becoming a quadapelgic for.
"My opponent struck me with
his metal rod and then proceeded
to jab me repeatedly. Unbeknownst
to him eveiy vertebrae in my back
was subsequently fractured," said
Meoff. "Calling him an asshole
would be the understatement of the
millennium."
"I was sodomised," explained
Peter Pickton, another victim of the
joust. "It wasn't consensual also. I
can longer pass a normal bowel
movement. Heidegger was wrong
when he said that unconcealment
would reveal the essence of truth.
This isn't the definition of truth.
Normal functioning of bowels is."
Despite its skeptics, Pelviis
beHeves in this sport, and its abiHty to
solve these outstanding problems.
"Why can't philosophy be fun and
Hght-hearted like a round of sex...but
instead of sex, have two people ride a
large animal while carrying a large
oversized metal pole?"
"You poke and jab, you poke and
you jab, and then you finish. There's
a finality to it that philosophy can't
provide," said Pelviis. "Opened
ended is so 1574. Paradoxes are so
last millennium."
The program has received a warm
welcome from those who have participated, according to Pelviis.
"I think there's also something
satisfying with being able to prod
someone in excess and hurting them
physically with a long metal rod," he
said. "It's like food for the soul, in the
form of a metal rod."
The success of the competition
has prompted other fields to follow suit, as the Canadian federal
government is in the preliminary
stages of developing a similar
competition. The US may also
develop a competition, but this
will depend entirely on the success of their friends north of the
border. Some issues to be
resolved: abortion, gay marriage,
and legalisation of crack.
Aenil Hurpees, a recent philosophy graduate attests that the competition has been life altering.
"I've read endless philosophical texts and by the end of my
fourth year, after I was $40,000 in
debt, I discovered that I actually
knew less than when I started,"
said Hurpees.
He furthered, "I would ask, does
god exist and one text would say,
yes', while the other would say, 'no,'
I was sick of constantly being in a tail-
spin. Screw Mills. Screw Hume.
Screw Kant"
"Satisfaction is being able to grind
my opponent to a bloody pulp.
Through that I discovered that god
did exist And I felt like my 40,000
had finally paid off," said Hurpees.
"Thank you UBC jousting."
"And thank you, God." 81
PIS
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Bird
Droplings
Championship gone
bye-bye
Yesterday the UBG8T intercollegiate
league announced a merger with the
ICUP national DDD league. This will
make the BYOB semi-final divisional
championships unnecessary according to Anita Mann, VP of Canadian
University Athletics.
Hockey for life
Extreme weather across Canada
last week couldn't stop Canadian
university hockey players from taking to the ice. A tsunami in
Vancouver was ignored by the UBC
Thunderbirds as used their wings
and took their sticks to the sky. In
Saskatchewan a tornado blew the
roof of the arena during a Huskies
home game, but the players just
stuck to the game and the Huskies
managed to sHp in two goals as the
opposing goahe got swept up by the
tornado. Hurricane conditions
around Halifax posed problems for
Acadia University hockey players as
the outdoor rink became a lake.
Adapting quickly, the teams decided to play underwater hockey.
Drug free
The entire starting line-up for the
Thunderbirds baseball team
recently admitted that the teams'
drug tests came back negative. No
traces of performance enhancing
drugs were found in the urine
samples of any players. Coaching
staff are looking into the possibility of steroid use for next season,
as the T-Birds finished an unprecedented last place in the league
this year.  II
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THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
Sports 13
Varsity player tired of perfecting arbitrary skill set, quits mid-game
"My dad always said 'go for if but, putting a ball through an elevated metal hoop...who gives a shit? Think about it!"
by NutMeg
SPICE QUEEN
In last night's basketball game between
the Thunderbirds and the Pterodactyls,
the fans were treated to a great game
during the first half, with the T-
Birds playing in perfect harmony.
Tommy Goodwin showed off his
superior technique by scoring 69
points in the first ten minutes of play.
"I was on a roll at the beginning of the
game/ said Goodwin. "The angle at
which my hand and the ball connected during my dribbling sequence was
exactly 45 degrees, which allowed me
to master that ball," he continued.
During the second half of the
game Goodwin was going in for a
slam-dunk, but suddenly he stopped
and calmly walked off the court and
into the dressing room. Teammates
stopped and stared as Coach Dick
Johnson followed Goodwin screaming incomprehensively at the athlete.
After a lengthy discussion with
Goodwin, Coach Johnson was unable
to get him to return to the court "My
best player has deserted me! He has
lost his passion of the game. We must
remedy this by showing him what he
is missing," shouted Coach Johnson as
he gave the rest of the team a pep-talk.
The    Thunderbirds    and    the
Pterodactyls managed to continue
the game, but both teams were a little
shaken up. No one could understand
how anyone could care so Httie about
the outcome of such an important
qualifier for the qualifying of the
semi-finals game.
"My dad always said 'go for it' but,
obviously putting a ball through an
elevated metal hoop...who gives a
shit? Think about it!" commented
Goodwin as he departed the stadium.
The Pterodactyls fought off extinction and brought down the mourning
Thunderbirds with a score of 250-69.
No Thunderbirds players were
available to comment after the game
as they all went direcdy to a private
vigil to pray that Goodwin soon
receives enlightenment on the
importance of university basketball
in the scheme of world events and
the universe at Iaroe:
Coach Johnson spoke this morning at a press conference attended by
the cheerleaders and two other individuals, who appeared to be lost
"Tommy Goodwin is being sent to the
world renowned "Basketball is My
Game" clinic in the US run by Dennis
Rodman and Michael Jordan," said
Coachjohnson.
This clinic costs over $14,000 per
day and all expenses will be paid by
UBC Athletics. "It is important to keep
our best athletes here at UBC, and
under complete thought control until
they graduate," said Director of
Athletics and Recreation Phil Bobbit
TTltlVvt+l-fTlp't-olTr        CI.
UUU»U1     JUUUO      uv/
intention of attending the clinic.
Goodwin's final comments were:
"There is more to my life than basketball! I know that my skills are technically perfect and that I could be drafted into the NBA any day now, but really playing basketball for the rest of my
life...who wants to do that?"
"Throwing a basketball through
an elevated metal hoop. So arbitrary!" he reiterated. II
THEUBYSSEY
Be one of the first
to come to Room
23 in the SUB and
win free passes to
a screening of:
Thursday,
December 15
@ 7PM at the
Park Theatre.
IN THEATRES
DECEMBER 16
While quantities last
One per person, available on a
limited basis.
^^^^>if^!!g^0SW^^W?!ffm'
1037 CommettA»» Dr£$Naf
By Ponatidfi
www. mawovancoiiVer.org  604.322.1764
*Z*
**b'
f
<•*.•, ■' 14 News
Friday. 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
Windows
World 2005
on
the
/
An Art Bazaar featuring
extraordinary gifts front
around the world
November 15 to
December 24 at the
Museum of Anthropology
6393 NW Marine Drive
Vancouver. BC.V6T IZ2
wwwjmoa.ubc.ca
604.822.5087
MUSEUM*/
Anthropology
3ji;i»h Cabiabia
THEUBYSSEY
Come to a
free screening
at the Norm
Theatre,
Tuesday,
December 6th
@7PM.
No ticket
m y*\ *~ r\ ** f *■* **•» *
nct-cabaiy.
Just show up!
IN THEATRES
DECEMBER 9
While quantities last.
One per person, available on a
limited basts, not an employee
of FS or other promo partners.
Hermaphrodite + Harry Potter movie = inclusive!
Unlike all mainstream kids films these days, Harry Potter defies
gender definitions with the inclusion of Hemaphrodite Granger
by Lexicon Zezzlie
LOVER OF ORANGE HAT
When I went to see the new Harry
Potter movie, I was bracing myself
for yet another display of nonnativ-
ity in every realm—education,
dress, and especially gender. I sank
in my seat when the students from
the competing wizard schools
marched in: the all-male school students portrayed as angry, stocky
warriors, and the all-female school
student portrayed as wispy wiggly-
bummed silvery bird-things. All the
teenage boys grovelling over their
female counterparts were also wonderfully entertaining. That is why I
think it is so great and inclusive that
there is a character named
Hermaphrodite Granger in the new
Harry Potter movie.
Hermaphrodite      (pronounced
Herm-a-fro-dite-ee) Granger is one of
Harry Potter's two best friends,
besides Ron Weasley, played by the
always adorably pug-nosed Rupert
Grint. Although the Harry Potter
books can be criticised for springing
from the sort-of-to-really-gross form
of the British boarding school novel
(see Enid Blyton, schoolgirls being
spanked by prefects with hairbrushes,   and   institutionally-repressed
English homoeroticism), JK Rowling
has taken a step towards true inclu-
sivity by naming one of her characters Hermaphrodite Granger. It really makes up for the staggeringly heterosexual tone of the whole movie,
from the pubHc pressuring of boys
"JK Rowling also
makes it clear that
there's a space for
people like
her m aphrodite
Granger at the
hogwarts wizarding
school by featuring
several (three!)
shots of a bucket of
worms during a
Defense and the
Dark Arts lesson.
OUT AND PROUD: Hermaphrodite Granger is wholly accepted by
her straight friends, Ron and Harry, muffin man photo
to snag girls for the school ball
"before the good ones are taken,* to
the male-warrior-feel of the movie's
climax, the Triwizard Cup. Thank
god there's a character named
Hermaphrodite Granger to balance
it all outl
JK Rowling also makes it clear
that there's a space for people like
Hermaphrodite   Granger   at   the
Hogwarts wizarding school by featuring several (three!) shots of a
bucket of worms during a Defense
and the Dark Arts lesson. Worms
are   hermaphrodites!   Since   that
scene also features several shots of
Hermaphrodite Granger, the scene
deals   out numerous  whammies
against      gender       normativity.
Additionally, in the same scene the
male student Neville Longbottom is
clearly shown in a state dangerously near tears. Boys can cry? Yup, at
Hogwarts   all   forms   of  atypical
behaviour are having their day in
the    sun.    Soon   Hermaphrodite
Granger and those bucketed worms
will be free to start up a support
group  at  Hogwarts  to   celebrate
their   identities.   Hermaphrodite
Granger and worms. Out and proud
at Hogwarts.
And Hermaphrodite Granger
isn't just any old character—ze's put
on a pedestal of high academic and
social achievement For me, at least,
it was so great to see someone like
Hermaphrodite Granger heroised in
this way. I mean, sure, there's only
one girl who participates in the
Triwizard Cup and she's portrayed
as pretty silly (and her first name is
"Fleur"—that's French for "flower*!J,
but who cares, because
Hermaphrodite Granger is there to
save the day.
Hermaphrodite Granger is only
at the beginning of her journey;
there are three more Harry Potter
movies to go! Boy, am I excited! It's
so rare to see a character like
Hermaphrodite Granger in a mainstream children's film. Who knows
what Hermaphrodite Granger will
do in the next three movies? Thank-
you, JK Rowling, for being so open-
minded. Without Hermaphrodite
Granger this might just be another
movie imprinting millions of kids
with gender norms. With the presence of Hermaphrodite Granger,
that's so totally not the case. 91
1
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Confusion: what's with the Ubyssey, anyway?
L~r-
by Meredink Hamrock
PROUD TO BE PREJUDICED
"And what's with Page Friday anyway?" A student asked me, having a
crunch outside of the SUB.
"A question that plagues us all,"
I replied, determined to figure out
the answer before she finished. It
turns out the only difference
between Page Friday and the
Tuesday Ubyssey paper is that the
culture section is at the beginning
and there's a fancy picture on the
cover instead of a hard-hitting
review that combats an inherently
controversial question. For example: Was the film version Pride and
Prejudice good, or not?
Also, Page Friday is printed on a
softer-fiber paper, making it kitten-
soft on your bum. My interlocutor, a
naturally insipid Science student,
hasn't figured this out yet and was
toughing it out with the  coarser
news-oriented Ubyssey.
Page Friday is a chance for the
culture section to stretch its legs,
but students are wondering: are
they stretching their legs a little
too much? Too far? In the wrong
directions?
"The reviews always make me go
see bad movies," a disgruntled Arts
One student stated, while stuffing
fallen issues of the notorious, and
ultra-absorbent, newspaper into her
wet Ugg boots. "I got stuck watching
the worst movie I've ever seen
because someone from the Culture
section told me that it'd be "the best
film of the year." Who actually wants
to watch Charlize Theron get her
ugly on? No, seriously. Would you?"
Yet another highly important
issue that has been keeping thousands awake at night.
However, Page Friday seems to
be in demand in the ladies' room,
where there have been complaints
from concerned students about a
shortage of feminine hygene products. Maybe this explains why every
week most of the copies are claimed
before the next issue hits the stands.
Lord knows it isn't the quaHty of the
journalism. Editors would only comment that hopefully students are
reading the paper before they use it
to keep their feet dry or for various
corporal functions.
Tbe Ubitchey would like to add
that it is in no way associated with
the Ubyssey newspaper, especially
not in terms of staff, production
location, structure, vocabulary, or
the natural ideological restrictions
resulting from being a bunch of
most white, mostly straight university students who work in a small
space with each other for 50 hours a
week, a phenomenon resulting naturally in elitism and passive-aggressive running jokes.By the way, Pride
and Prejudice fucking sucked. IB THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
Culture 15
Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and
Jessica Simpson form teenpop Ganesh
There's a new poly-appendaged deity on the block
by Lincoln Washington-Ford
CULTURE-INDIFFERENT
Get down on your knees and pray.
According to an insider source, Mandy
Moore, Lindsay Lohan, and Jessica Simpson
have merged into a precocious Ganesh of
pint-size proportions, sending Shockwaves
through the celebrity circuit and across the
information superhighway.
The shoclringly-thin deity, which one eyewitness declared to be 'one part post-pubescent, two parts classic hottie* was seen teetering down New York City's swanky Park
Avenue late yesterday afternoon. Accounts
decribed the six-armed, two-legged, teen-pop
princess as both 'adorable,* and 'nubile,*
with 'just the right amount of pouty
insouciance."
But metropolitan police declared the situation "barely legal* and the coke-addled
ingenue, now toting three purses, sixteen
shopping bags, and an Olsen twin under each
arm while signing two autographs at once,
was urged by a star-struck cop to retreat into
stationary limo.
The vehicle then made its way with the
polite gentility of a sedated Herbie the Love
Bug through the crowd of bystanders unwilling to leave the scene without some sendoff
by the veritable 'girl next door.*
But the benevolent goddess demonstrated
her considerable ability to multi-task, emitting a digitally enhanced melody that encapsulated the angst inherant to loving Jesus, getting a divorce, and nicking the guy from That
70s Show. The budding actor/singer/lifestyle
then disapeared into the night, laughing all
the way to the bank—it's down the street," said
one satisfied enthusiast.
Experts are still unsure what to make of
the new entity. In Hinduism, the god Ganesh
veils his mastery of intellect and wisdom
behind an elepantine head and a rotund, poly-
appendaged frame. The blessing of the deity
is sought by individuals seeking success, prosperity, or good fortune.
"From what I understand, Ganesh is sort
of like the big cheese,* says Janus Kim, editor
of US weekly. 'He's the go-to guy when you've
got problems. What we saw on the streets of
New York yesterday resembles Ganesh in the
number of arms, legs, and entourage. But this
god has a totally different market It's one of
the few demographics that includes fathers
and daughters, together.*
Like Ganesh, the deity—which commentators are already calling "Jessalind
Mandyson,* or 'The God of Younger and
More Successful than You Will Ever Be*—hit
the street with an entourage. But while the
Hindu god cuts a rug with a rat that doubles
as a chariot, the tousled and frecked teen
goddess times three gets freaky with a
dozen tiny dogs in tow.
'Ganesh is old,* says Kim. "Jessalind
Mandyson is new, she's hot She's what teen
girls want. A deity that's so vacuous, it's universal. Someone to bring this country together. Blue-state, red-state—everyone wants to go
shopping, act flirty. Whatever brought Jessica,
Mandy, and Lindsay together and put them in
one good pair of shoes was thinking about the
future of this country.*
But UBC Economist W. Hank McGill has a
different take on the sexy situation, and his
assessment isn't nearly as rosy.
*I see this as a hostile bid. It's obvious to
me that Mandy Moore has been reduced to a
set of chunky arms and a set of bleached
choppers; quite likely pearl veneers." And
according to McGill, Lindsay Lohan fairs no
better in the background, although she does
'try really, really hard.* Jessica Simpson
seems to have faired best of the three, with
the newly single matriarch assuming the
prominent head and winning control body
through a bitter coup with the emaciated
Lohan.
"This deity is anything but benevolent,'
says McGill. 'The deity has absorbed the
womanhood of two of Hollywood's biggest
stars into a hybrid that breaks every antitrust
legislation in the book. The negligible, albeit
sexy talent of three multi-stars have been
exponentially increased as a result of this
merger. There's simply no room to be a renaissance woman n Hollywood anymore.*
But Kim disagrees. "This is, like, three times
the hotness. That's good for everyone." «B
"SUBersize Me": student eats in SUB for a month, develops scurvy
We're all waiting for the day the lonely woman with the
chicken fingers in the corner starts to gnaw off her arm
SUBersize Me
Now playing
by Basil Exposition
FILM-MOVIE APPOINTED GODHEAD
Wait! Think twice before you shove that
Chicken Panzerottini pasta into your
mouth! In the latest documentary by
Igor Higgins, eating SUB food takes on a
whole new grisly and horrifying turn.
Can a man really survive off SUB food
for a whole month? This is the question
that an ambitious group of film students set out to discover in what is
being posited as the best documentaiy
since Bowling for Columbine. Their
findings however, have shocked an
entire community and cast doubt on the
health of all SUB-food denizens.
The film opens with the protagonist
of the tragedy, fourth-year Igor
Higgins, walking into the New-Delly
for the first time. "Hmmm, that chicken roti wrap looks good,* is the first
line the audience hears. Cut to north
parkade three hours later and we see
the chicken take its toll as Higgins
spews rainbow-coloured vomit all over
his sheepskin boots.
It is this stark contrast between
scenes of near ecstasy while eating the
dehcious food and the messy consequences that force the audience to sit
back and ask themselves if that dehcious, dehcious, de-1-i-cious, baked potato pizza is really worth it
As an interesting side note, when the
Almost Matters Society (AMS) discovered the goal of the project, they immediately cancelled Higgins' AMS/GSS
Health and Dental plan policy.
First-time director Mike Hunt did an
excellent job in his debut film capturing
the emotional and physical nightmare
Higgins was enduring, something
rarely observed in a director's first
effort. Hunt's natural talent with the
camera became apparent when, after
witnessing Higgins eat Moon noodles
for. one week, viewers are treated to a
poignant doctor-visit drama scene. It is
here that Higgins learns he has developed scurvy and that soon his nuts will
fall off. The doctor urges him to end this
suicidal experiment.  But Higgins is
determined to persevere.
During week three, things take a
turn for the worse. After subsisting on
bubble tea for several days, Higgins'
liver liquifies and he loses complete
functioning of his gallbladder. As he
floats from outlet to outlet, it becomes
clear that Higgins is wholly addicted to
the very thing that is killing him.
Higgins begins periodically losing
consciousness on day 23. At the end of
day 24, Hunt discovers that Higgins has
passed out in front of Snack Attack, his
mouth still wrapped around a chicken
shwarma wrap.
'His eyes were bloodshot and he was
mumbling incoherently,* said Snack
Attack employee Jennifer Appleton.
'He kept pointing at the meat, but I
was to too scared to touch him so I just
threw a chicken wrap on the floor,*
she added.
What happens in the last few days of
the film is a testament to why Pit burgers are only good in moderation. Let's
just suffice it to say that if Higgins
receives an Oscar, it will have to be
posthumously. H
***#
a?
PIGS AT THE TROUGH: Num num num num num num
num num num num num num num. muffin man photo -' "A:
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aGSL-
<$£»-»
AIVIS/GSS HEALTH & DENW P^
ff     Studentcare Dental Network
the Studentcare Dental Network is an exclusive service
offered to Plan members. Network dentists offer a
20% reduction off the Provincial Dental Fee Guide for
General Practitioners price of eligible dental, services
(see chart). .;;> v-.-.'.
You're CQveredf fof• the insurer] portion regardless of
the dentist you choose. By consulting7 a member of
the Dental Network, you will get the additional Dental
Network reduction.
Preventative Services
recall exams, cleanings, extraction of impacted teeth, etc.
Basic Services
fillings, oral surgery, endodontics (e.g. root canal),
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Major Restorative
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GRADUATE
STUDENT SOCIETY
Alma Mater Society of UBC
UBC Graduate Student Society
WWW.STUDENTCARE.NET
Take Good Care
M' <b»
Studentcare Vision Network
In addition to the vision care benefits included in the AMS/GSS Health & Dental Plan, studentcare.net/works is workingwith vision care providers to help you get the service you need
-at an affordable cost. With the '.Studentcare, Vision Network, you always save at.least 30%- up to $75 ■■- on eyeglasses.
ABBOTSFORD
BURNABY
COQUITLAM
DELTA
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VANCOUVER
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Point Grey Eyecare
Broadway Station
False Creek Eye Care Optometry
Dunbar Eyecare Optometry
West 10th Optometry Clinic
Or. G..S'..Ra'!'c* Associate
Dr. 8r.'>f;k'e'Park'~r. Or Daift Deroru^ofi
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323ifl.-47QGKincj.sy-/ay             .'
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London Suuare- 300 •-. 332$ Kinys\
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438::S122
Aberdeen Square, 101 - 2764 Bar
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Studentcare Chiropractic Network
Although chiropractic coverage is not .included in the AMS/GSS Health & Dental Plan, studentcare.net/works; is 'working.'with chiropractors to help you get the treatment you need - at
an "affordable cost.f As part of their commitment to students, Network chiropractors will; charge no more than $30 for an initial assesment and $25 for subsequent visits for members of
theAMS/GSS Health & Dental Plan.
ABBOTSFORD
Or. -kiti
CHILLIWACK.
XOMiILAM_^l
MISSION,     .     -:
RICHMOND
VANCOUVER
DOWNTOWN
JVM Health Care Garage        ^
IVicCaliUm Chiropractic @The Bay
SumasMtn Chiropractic f   "
& Wellness Clinic   ..'■
. Buchanan'Family Chiropractic :
Mission Chiropractic Clinic
Satbri Integrative Health;Centre
Bayside Chiropractic
■'■Downtown Chiropractic Clinic
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Westside Chiropractic and Associates
Nucca Spine Centre
Broadway @YeY^; Chiropractic
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■7 KitsilaOo Physiotherapy Clinic    , -.■■Na!>e.y'Fie'KH)an--V;'ft.
'PRINCE GEORGE .: 7 7  ;: CBI Physiotherapy and RehabilitationCentre : 7 f
M       Studentcare Physiotherapy Network
Although physiotherapy is hot/covered by the AMS/GSS Health & Dental Plan,; stu'd;etttcare.het/works is wbrkintj. with practitioners, tp help you get ther treatment you need - at an
affordable cost. As partofftheir cpmmitmerit to studeiits, Network physiotherapists;will charge no more than $30 for ah initial assesnient and for stibsequent. visit
. AMS/GSS Healths Dental Plan.-:,':/'k. ^y y^ly^^l-.^y "x.: y/ll:-—'-      \;.:'--;C 7 ■',;,''• 7"' - yylyl'lyy^'. '.-:■ 7 r^Hy. ' ■ y"::'yl
;BURNA^Y-7.';;f7'7;;; .:-:/".::9:'.--:;-'3v
COQUITLAM     ...f      7;   ;Al.liance.Massagef.;Therapy Centre
-NEW- WESTMINSTER;   '■':: New Westminister Chiropractic/7 ;7
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fRiCHMONP ;:;;-: ^   .['Iax . Minoru MassageTherapy;Centrer l
VANCOUVER7 :.;'■ f/Pacifie MfassageTherapyf Clinic ■■'• ••
'Ard'Dc
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in UBC Aquatic Centre    . 7 '.
ffarojihe 07
Visit www.studentcare.net for; a complete list of fretwork Health Practittpriers.
www.studentcare.net
Health & Dental Plan Office
Room 61, Student Union Building, Lower Level
6138 SUB Boulevard, Vancouver, BC
Toll-free: 1 877 795-4421
siu DeniesRe
.nei/worKS
-*t:
4
<*rtm.
...win'&im <' izk
1ft Opinion/Editorial
Friday, 2 December, 2005   THE UBITCHEY
~5a*»
f9**
Ask Coach Cumrag
Dear Coach Cumrag,
I am just so stressed these days.
With exams, essays, a part-time job
and hving on my own, I just feel
like I have no time for myself anymore. How do I regain some control in my life and relax?
-Help!
Dear Help!
Exam stress is completely understandable: university exam time is
one of the toughest times in a student's life, and there are definitely
small things you can do to slow
things down without compromising
your goals and values and—wow, I
totally couldn't even get through
that. But seriously, I do empathise
with your feelings of fatigue and
ill-health because at this point I
am so sick and fucking tired of
you helpless, self-centred tweens
stumbling through your problems
ass-fucking backwards by writing
me the same damn question, if
only to publicise the fact that
you've discovered that life is hard
(gaspl) and you need someone to
hold your hand.
So you're finding exam time
hard? Yeah, well in the words of
Dave Chappelle: "I eat cottage
cheese for dinner!" I don't want to
be one of those trite assholes who
always bring up kids starving in
Africa to make complainers like
you feel like sniveling ingrates,
but you can't always get what you
want, and kids really are fucking
starving in Africa.
Here are some pointers for getting through this 'tough time': If
you're sick, see a doctor. If you
have too many assignments, get an
extension. If you fail, accept the fact
that you're suVpar in the 'critical-
thinking-and-getting-shit-done'
department Trust ine, you are not
alone (I've been there—I once want
ed to be an orthopedic surgeon. But
here we are.)
I don't know what else to tell
you, guy. I guess what I'm supposed
to say is remember to breathe, light
some candles and do some aromatherapy, but I have no idea if
that actually works (to be honest
I've been on promotional contract
with the Body Shop since the late
nineties and it just ended). But
speaking straight from the heart,
I've found that getting laid or drinking yourself blind is a great way to
clear your head, but of course there
are risks inherent to this...
Anyway, fuck this, I got my own
problems to deal with, so go bug
someone else. I'm gonna go call on
my pal Dan Savage, have a few
drinks and ask him what I should
do about the most recent burning
sensation I've acquired from my
last therapy session. Here's to feeling good all the time, biatch. 11
Coach Cumrag is a bi-weekly column appearing in the
Ubitchey. If you feel the need
the send a letter asking for
advice for pathetic problems then email
peniscacti@cumrag.com
Coach Cumrag has been
giving advice for the last
two weeks. She has a
degree in Scientology and
mudscience.
Streeters
Who would win in a
fight? Team Lion or
Team Water Buffalo?
'Since when did I give you the permission to invade my space? Shoo
Shoo.*
—Erica Szeto
Women's Studies 4
"The Uby-what? A newspaper? I
have never heard of such a thing."
—Carl Burkholder
Electrical Engineering
"We need to deconstruct those
assumptions using a post-modern
context based on a set of culturally
accepted capitalist norms."
—Jason Marchand
English Graduate student
"I'm conducting a field test on how
many women have pierced nipples.
Wanna be a good sport?"
—Claudio Li
Neuroscience 4
"Dude,...I am SO drunk right now.
That keg party fucking owned."
—Nayrb Werdinga
Undeclared 1 (ish)
—Streeters coordinated by
Burn Mepantsoff
'1%
-i
7
; THE UBITCHEY   Friday, 2 December, 2005
Letters 19
An open letter to Marta
Pipper
Re: insidious noise pollution and
land bridges
On behalf of myself and the Wreck
Beach Preserved Leather Society
(WBPLS), I'd just like to say it loud
and clear: we know what you're up to
Marta.
First, there were the towers, so
those pervy students of yours could
spy on us with binoculars and telescopes and what-have-you, gazing
down with late-teen longing at our
perfect naked bodies basking like
shriveled brown organic raisins in
the sun. Anything but learn about
THE WONDER AND BEAUTY OF
CREATION, anything but study THE
POWER OF THE SUN, no.
Now we at the WBPLS have
learned of another of your noxious
plans to chase us away from our
beloved clothes-optional sun-kingdom of radiant joy: noise pollution.
Do you think we're stupid? That
we're making it up? Nobody deserves
to be subjected to this. All we ever
wanted is peace. That's why we're
nudists, dammit But every time we
turn the stereo oS, every time the
joint is finished and the conversation
lulls and we find ourselves silent in
the glory of nature, there it is: that
low-frequency ringing in our ears. It's
really a drag Marta. Stop it
Also: the proposed land bridge
from UBC to the Vancouver
International Airport stop the madness! You're a corporate pig Marta,
what happened? You used to be one
of us! Romping and laughing in the
sun and the waves, remember? It
cuts like a knife. What so all those
voyeurs in their late-model imports
can gawk down from the bridge at
our perfect naked bodies sizzling like
sides of bacon in the sun's life-giving
rays. Gross. The motorists, that is.
Not us.
We're not going to stand for it
We're going to lie down. That's right
we're going to stage a WBPLS strike
par excellence: we're going to lay in
the Almighty Sun's rays 24-7 until
somebody does something. Weather
permitting.
—Ray Zin Brown
WBPLS
Foreskin story shocks
I am shocked and apalled by your
front page headline last week,
"Foreskin swallows girl whole." Not
only was the content not appropriate
for my 21 year-old son but it also
brought back vicious memories of
my own foreskin related nightmares.
At the age of 16, I too was nearly enveloped by a rampaging foreskin. After sucking off the biggest
manhood I had ever seen I soon
found that my entire head was slipping beneath the foreskin. It was a
horrible memory and I can't
believe how I would have felt if I
then saw it in print. Shame on you
Ubitchey for printing that appalling
story.
—Mrs. Pipper
concerned mother
Buyer beware for vibrating
condom
A couple of weeks ago I was really
excited to find out about the new
vibrating condoms at Shoplifters
Drug Mart But I am now addicted to
them. I can't get enough of that shaky
shaky. Weet weet I even wear them
to class!
—£. Rection
Sex 4
JtvClcLX^
it's
fucking
cheese
you
sicko,
get your
mind out
of the
gutter
don't bother writing any letters to the Ubitchey. we don't
want to read them anyway. especially if they are complaining
about our award-winning and sultry articles. unless of
course you want to write about foreskin. we always need
foreskin content. that and beastiality. mmmm.
freebacks@ubitchey.bc.ca
Ttr
Starting Monday, December 12th, there's more service for University of British Columbia students:
43 JOYCE STATION/UBC
Service along 41st Avenue will increase to every 12 minutes, and four new trips will be
added to the morning rush hour to UBC.
44 DOWNTOWN/UBC
. Service from Waterfront Station to UBC will now run until 8 pm, Monday to Friday.
49 METROTOWN STAT10N/DUNBAR L00P/UBC
This service will extend to UBC from the Dunbar Loop in the midday.
480 UBC/RICHMOND
This new weekday, evening service with articulated buses, will provide students leaving
UBC with direct service to Richmond. Last bus will now depart from UBC at 9:40 pm.
99 B-LINE
More service for the 99 B-Line along the Broadway/1 Oth corridor. Please note, that
the 99S bus from Broadway Station to UBC will be converted to a 99 B-Line trip.
As a result, there will be more 99 B-Line service in the morning and afternoon rush hour
with buses running every 2-3 minutes.
Corning in January 2006
The new VCC-Clark SkyTrain Station at Vancouver Community College opens on
January 6th. In conjunction with the station opening, TransLink is launching new,
direct, limited-stop bus service along 4th Avenue to UBC
/
CONTACT US FOR MORE INFORMATION: Visit www.translink.bcca or call 604-953-3333.
Greater f Vancouver
Transportation Authority ►f-r
Jfc'rtA.
I,,
iCU-"*

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