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The Ubyssey Nov 28, 2008

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Array Celebrating 90 years!
Beer-ocaust
More on page 9
■J
November 28,2008 \ www.ubyssey.ca
THAT is how you pronounce it...since 1918 \ volume xc, number 26
UBC's oriflcial excuse for a newspaper is published every fifth Sunday
UBC Farm does not exist I Arts to bail
Distraction to activists as Toope constructs death ray
out box maker
Faculty ensures stable housing
market for philosophy students
by Nagem Heist
President Steven Toope lords over his model deathray, like a modern day Mr Burns, gosipher arigoto photo/the ubyssey
by Smellan Piggins
Snooze Staff
UBC students were shocked today
when president Steven Toope
announced that the UBC Farm
does not exist. After months of
farm protests and petitions, it
was revealed that Toope created
the so-called farm as a fake issue
to distract students as he built a
massive death ray.
"I was shocked when I
learned about it" said Mistran
Trarkle, AMS VP Admin, "All
along I had been petitioning to
save a farm that I truly thought
existed. To know that I was easily
swayed into caring about a pristine 24-hectare farm that isn't
actually there is disheartening. I
only wish I had actually bothered
to head down there myself to discover the truth."
We now know that above
ground, the "UBC Farm" area
contained a few husks of corn
and pumpkins—to keep up the
appearance of a farm but underneath the soil a huge death ray
was being built to keep the rest
of Vancouver under the watchful
eye of Toope.
In a press release earlier
today, the UBC president stated
that, "I am sorry to have misled
all the residents of the university and ofthe University Endowment Lands," but added that it
was necessary to build in order
to protect UBC from terrorists,
so that UBC would "remain a
world-class university."
Toope, known to be a "good
friend" of Batman, is not facing
criminal charges. Since UBC sits
under the juristiction of Electoral
District A, no bylaws prevent the
president from building a giant
death ray. Mamamia Harass, recently elected Electoral District
A director said that she would
not be bringing up to the government that Toope has created a
giant death ray on our campus.
"There is no way that the
death ray will affect student life,"
said Harass. "The fact that we
have one on campus is nothing
to be worried about. I am not
interested in changing the status
quo of anti-death ray sympathizers on campus."
Mo Slott, director of Campus,
Collective and Community Planning (CCCP) said that he was unaware that a death ray had been
built.
"I believed that the money going towards both market housing
and luxury condominiums. I
never thought that the president
would authorize a huge death
ray." Slott claims that although
he is in charge of planning the
campus, he often doesn't look
over every detail of plans presented to him.
"There are a lot of things going on around campus. I am not
surprised that a little thing like a
death ray that could destroy the
entire city of Vancouver might
slip by the CCCP."
The population that feels
most cheated are those which
signed the 16,000 person petition to save the farm. Fifth-year
Arts major, Alex McTreehugger
felt just that way.
"I can't believe that I signed to
save something that didn't exist.
I just thought that the farm existed because people told me so,"
he said. The Ubyssey interviewed
30 students for this article and
none had bothered to find out if
the UBC Farm existed. Though
McTreehugger is disappointed,
he is optimistic the death ray will
be a source for good.
"I just hope that the death
ray is as sustainable as the farm
was supposed to be," said McTreehugger. VJJ
Snooze Writer
Dean of Arts Nannie Fellini announced yesterday that the UBC
Faculty of Arts plans to fund a
$ 70 million bailout of BA Estates,
Canada's largest cardboard box
company. The deal comes at a
time when BA Estates, known for
its remarkable success in constructing affordable housing for
recently graduated liberal arts
students, struggles to keep afloat
in the face of the current global
economic meltdown.
"The financial crisis has
taken a comparatively lesser toll
on BA Estates, but last year's
philosophy and history graduates need start-up homes that
they can afford. We cannot run
the risk that this company will
go the way of Fannie Mae," said
Fellini at a press conference held
in Buchanan D. "The stakes are
too high, and we must have our
students' best interests at heart,"
she said, pointedly adding "even
if their interest in 19th century
German music over financial
security is what got us into this
mess in the first place."
If BA Estates were to fold, Fellini warned, severe repercussions
would be felt across the entire
cardboard box industry, perhaps
even spilling over into the paper
plane trade currently drawing
concerns from the Faculty of Applied Sciences. "If the cardboard
box industry collapses, and we
could have taken action to prevent that, how could we look into
the eyes of our Arts One students?
They need to know that they have
a future after Foucault."
In the past month alone, BA
Estates has seen the price of its
standard 18" x 18" x 24" corrugated cardboard model drop
from $ 11.99 to an unprecedented low of $8.54. Post-doctorate
history student Martin Lessaut
has watched helplessly as the
value of his upscale split-parti-
LONGNAMETOFILL FRAME PHOTO/THE UBYSSEY
tion, recycling-friendly home
disintegrates before his eyes.
"I thought I'd be ahead of the
game, placing my down payment
in July—you know, while all the
political science majors were
still distracted by the Canadian
and US elections. Before this
crisis happened, you had to be
fast; there are just too many of
us," Lessaut sighed, as he turned
back to scrutinizing a handwritten grocery receipt from 1922.
As part ofthe $ 70 million bailout plan, the Faculty of Arts, in
conjunction with the AMS, would
inject a much-needed cash flow
into the real estate market, allowing creditors to continue selling
mortgages to the most ambitious
of UBC students and alumni.
Tsar Summer, real estate
professor at the UBC Sauder
School of Business, expects that
Fellini's bailout plan will boost
the housing market slightly, but
questions its long-term merit.
"While no one can doubt the
importance of sustaining the
cardboard box market in light
of UBC's significant Arts population, I'm concerned that this
government bailout will lead us
down the road to socialism, even
if every arts student would be
fine with that." VJJ
M^K^v^
BROLLY £
COPS ON
CAMPUS I
PAGE3 X
£'*&4_& 2    DISINFO
5a [ju-bA-si] I www.ubyssey.ca
NOVEMBER 28, 2008
Events
If you have an event, e-mail us at events@ubyssey.ca
Build a Bong • Come learn how
to smoke the marijuana and be
a huge stoner We provide the
materials, you provide the pot and
bongo drums. Please don't tell
anyone about this event • Every
Thursday at the Knoll. 7pm-9pm.
For more info go to www.holyshit-
thisgoodstuff.ca •
The Necronomicon for Newbs •
The Necronomicon for Newbs is
an examination of one of the most
nfamous books in our plane of existence. No blood sacrifice necessary. Meet over absinthe Mondays
at the Pit during the witching hour
to learn about this diabolically
wondrous book. • Each Monday,
Pit Pub, For more info: contact
learning@antichrist.com •
November 29
Free Fencing lessons • Come out
and play with swords. Warning,
some participants have expressed
concern that we do not provide
protective covering, but that is a
plain lie. We provide a very sturdy
shirt which can often stop the
piercing of a human heart. If you
wish to be a wimp, and I pray you
don't, please come with fencing
gear. • Nov. 29-Dec. 2. 7pm-8pm
SUB 433. Call 604-555-5555 for
more information. •
Party like a fucking rockstar * Do
you like to party? You bet your ass
you fucking do. Come party like
you have no pants on and its 1999
with Prince in the background at
the SUPER KEGGER AWESOME
SHITSHOW TIME at the Caprace.
It'll be hella tight and hella sick
witted. Tix $30, gets you in before
the line, and 10 free drinks • Nov.
29, 9pm, Caprace. For more info
contact hellathugsickthug@hmail.
com
November 30
Celebrate the last day of November • Hate December, and love the
way that November always puts
out a cold, but not too cold vibe?
Well why don't you come hang out
with the Novemberists and ensure
that the last day of November is the
best damn day of November that
has ever happened. • Nov. 30, all
day. Ike 200, for more info www.
awesome=november. com
December 1
Thank god December is here
• Are you tired of those damn
Novemberists fucking up your
life with their high and mighty
November and their fancy, smancy,
pantsy November holidays like
Thanksgiving (if you are from the
states) and Remembrance Day (if
you are from Canada). • Dec. 1, all
day. Ike 200, for more info www.
awesomer=december.com. •
December 2
Two Turtle Doves sale • For the
second day of December, you can
buy two turtle doves. We also
have a partridge in a pear tree
on sale since they are now out of
fashion. • Dec2, 8am-5pm. SUB
Conchord. •
Scorcher 6: Global Meltdown
• The Normad Theatre presents
Scorcher 6: Global Meltdown.
When the world stopped turning,
they turned to one man, when
the world stopped again, they
once again turned to that man.
Third, forth, fifth time, the world
once again turned to that same
man. Now a whole new problem
has struck the earth, the world
will call on that man once more.
"Someone left the fridge open."
• Dec 3-10 7:30pm, Normad Theatre SUB. for more info see www.
UB SEE film .ams.ca
My White Momma • The Normad Theatre presents My White
Momma. A comedy about what
happens when a black mom from
the inner city has to become a
white upper-class lady from some
ritzy town. Crazy shenanigans
happen when it happens that the
same black mom has to take care
of some asshole kids from the upper-class. Now crazy stuff happens
and everyone goes home a little
more brain damaged from the re-
petitiveness of the same actor (yes
the white momma is played by a
dude) doing the same old jokes. •
Dec 3-10, 9:30pm, Normad Theatre SUB, for more info see www.
UB SEE film, ams.ca •
December 4
Festival of Happiness and Joy
• Life have you down? Come
join the joy mongers at Fifth and
Main Street for a day of magical
experimentation. In fact, if you like
to swing that way, we also have
group orgies. Group orgies which,
dare I say it, always end in a happy
explosion for people all around. •
Dec. 4, 5pm, Fifth and Main, for
more info email happinessand-
love@hmail.com •
December
SAVE THE FARM TREK • Save the
Farm. Sure you haven't ever been
out there to see what it looks like
Nor to see what grows there or
understand how it makes UBC and
the Vancouver area sustainable
Anyways we HAVE TO SAVE IT at
all costs. No matter what happens
No matter how it damages the
university financially. No matter
if it robs poor defenseless multimillionaires of an awesome home
that they have always wanted
Even if students can no longer
ive on campus because all the
student housing is filled to the
brim with students from international schools, we shall SAVE THE
FARM with a walk • Dec. 5, From
the Farm to Old Administration
Building 12- 1pm. for more info go
to www. friendswithbenefitsofthe-
farm.ca. •
December 6
Sustainability Rally for more sustainable rallies • We demand that
rallies for sustainability be more
sustainable. There is too large of
a carbon footprint being expelled
each time a person raises a flag
of protest on how no one is be-
ng sustainable. Therefore we are
going to have a protest in order
to raise awareness for this cause
There will also be the ceremonial
burning of the American flag in
protest of their shameful burring of oil. • Dec. 6, 3pm, at the
Vancouver Art Gallery. For more
info see www.fuckyouunsustain-
ablepeople.com •
Beer Run • Why is it called Beer
Run? Well that's because after
running for five miles and feeling
horrible, you will get one free beer
from the pit. Sure you might be
dehydrated, and sure if you were
running for alcohol you probably
aren't the healthiest person alive
Also if you tend to drink a lot, your
body is probably pretty wrecked
from all that alcohol and won't
respond well to having to exert
itself strenuously. Wow I think
Considering a ca|^|
'n Medicine?
^ptSM'*«,Schoo,
s h=, Bachelor dearep?
>Haveyou taken theMCat„ r->
There are no,, • Peoples' ives?
To enquire emailr      „ ak'neduau/i"'°'naW„nal
Deakin University CRICOS Provider Code 00113B
he difference is Deakin I MEDICINE
this editor has to go for a run
and burn off all that fat. • Dec. 6,
noon, Outside the SUB. •
December 7
Theatre at UBC • Theatre at
UBC presents "Theatre at UBC"
a gripping tale of how people at
UBC develop theatre. Put on at
the Freddy Wood Theatre, this is a
once in a life time opportunity to
experience the harrowing highs,
and depressing lows that Theatre
at UBC does in order to produce
shows on campus. We apologize
for the name "Theater at UBC" if
it caused any confusion in articles
The Ubyssey may have run. • Dec.
7-21, 8pm, Freddy Wood Theatre,
for tickets go to www.tricketmas-
ter.ca
Volunteer for the Children • Yes
there are children out there, and
yes they need someone to care
and nurture them. Do you have
what it takes to make sure that
each lovely child has the same
nurturing upbringing thatyou had
as a child and make sure everyone
is happy and content? If you do
not volunteer, you are basically a
horrible person and should never
be happy ever! • Dec. 7, UBC Hospital. For more information www.
le tsvolun teerformanychildren.
com. •
UBC Vampires Unite • Feel like a
lonely traveller of the night? No
one understands your affinity for
the noble colour of black? Struggling to restrain yourself from sinking your teeth into jerks who poke
you with your umbrella? Come
meet like-minded individuals. A
bootfang recording of Twilight wil
be playing. Pizza served (no garlic)
• Dec. 7 @ sunset. SUB 24 (in the
basement), For more info: contact
vampiregroup@nosferatu.com. •
December 8
Backstep Bzzr Garden • Alcoholics
Anonymous (AA) presents their
first ever bzzr garden. Promoting
awareness of the growing problem
of alcoholism, come join some
serious drinkers for serious drink-
ng and admit you have a serious
problem. 25-cent highballs. 50-
cent shots. Free 12-step program.*
Dec. 8, 12pm to whenever you
pass out, Corpses Christine Campus, UBC. FREE ENTRY. •
Classifieds
Events
Charity Arts and Crafts Fair at Regent
College.
December 6,10-4 pm. Pottery, woodwork, fair-trade items & much more.
Wanting to participate?
Email: info@gfnf.org.
Dating
BrainiacDating.com
where it's sexy to be smart.
Post profiles and search. Free!
For Sale
2002 GOLF GTIVR6
79,500km. 5 speed. Silver. Black Leather. Local car. One owner. No accident.
$12,500, call 604-731-9739
Group Wanted
Focus group for coffee drinkers
2 hours, $75 for your opinion
Please reply ASAP to focus_recruiters@
hotmail.com with your name, age, occupation, and coffee preference.
Dream and OBEs • a FREE 8-week
course January 11, 2009 2:00-3:00PM
Kitsilano Neighbourhood House
2305 West 7th Avenue
Register: 1-877-GNOSIS-l
vancouver@gnosticmovement.com
Explore your dreams and far beyond
09 [ju-bA-si]
November 28"', 2008
volume xc, n"26
Editorial Board
UNCOORDINATED EDITOR
Smellin Piggins : coordinating@uhyssey.ca
EDIOTS
Bella Cullen & Igor Mac-Elroy : news@
ubyssey ca
CULTURE PREDATOR
Trevor Poops Melanson : culture@uhyssey.ca
SEXBOT
Shuniqua Endo sports@ubyssey.ca
TRUMAN APPRECIATION EDITOR
Joe Phallus Rayment: features @uhyssey.c a
'magic hour' coordinator
Hello Iromoto!:photos@uhyssey.ca
PRODUCTION OVERLORD
Sir Uhucci III: production @uhyssey.ca
PHOTOCOPIER
Cel Is a Whore'Rice : copy@uhyssey.ca
BOLTRON THE COORDINATOR!
volunteers @uhyssey.ca
DUNGEON-MASTER
Adam Long-Legged: webmaster-@uhyssey.ca
REDACTOR DE LAS MULTIMEDIAS
Unkie Haves : multimedia@uhysseyca
Editorial Office
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BCV6T lZl
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.uhyssey.ca
e-mail: feedback @uhyssey.ca
Business Office
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@uhyssey.ca
BUSINESS MANAGER : Fernie Pereira
AD TRAFFIC : Sabrina Marchand
AD DESIGN : Gerald Deo
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper ofthe University of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday
and Friday by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an
autonomous, democratically run student organization,and
all students are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff.
They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not
necessarily reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications
Society or the University of British Columbia. All editorial
content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The
Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced
without the expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey
Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press (CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please
include your phone number,student number and signature
(not for publication) as well as your year and faculty with
all submissions. ID will be checked when submissions are
dropped off at the editorial office ofThe Ubyssey; otherwise
verification will be done by phone."Perspectives"are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words and are run
according to space."Freestyles" are opinion pieces written
by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters
and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is time
sensitive.Opinion pieces will not be run until the identity of
the writer has been verified.The Ubyssey reserves the right
to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must be
received by 12 noon the day before intended publication.
Letters received after this point will be published in the
following issueunlessthereisan urgenttime restriction or
other matter deemed relevant by the Ubyssey staff.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified
advertising that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to
publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the
liability of the UPS will not be greaterthan the price pa id for
the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes
or typographical errors that do not lessen the value or the
impact ofthe ad.
Contributors
DrewThompson was attacked by Matt Ratzlaff who was
possesed by Kate Barbaria underthe instructions of Li
Kathy Yan,who likes Jon Horn, working under Goh Iromoto
and Justin McElroy,who were fired by Celestian Rince
Pte. Ltd, making Kalyeena Makortoff jump off Alec Young,
causing a seizure in Matthew Ratzlaffwho was eating
Amir Aaskbari because he tasted like Neal Yonson and
Stephanie Findlay had a picnic with Mary Leong,was spied
on by Shun Endo, who was playing ball with Dan Haves,
cheered on by Alia Dharssi and Sara Ling,creeped on by
Kellan Higgins who was escorted away by Trevor Melanson,
who got cheated on by Cynthia Khoo,who split coffee on
Megan Heise,who bought a record from Trevor Record, who
bought a cat from Joe Rayment,who sold fish to Kyrstin
Bain, who fed potato salad to Alia Dharssi.Tara Martellaro
now needs to breathe.
V      Canada Post Sales
Agreement
Number 0040878022
Canadian printed onH'00%
University   recycledipaper
Press YJ^V NOVEMBER 28, 200£
5a [ju-b^
WWW.UBYSSEY.CA
Umbrella police storm campus
by Brydon Bloomgold
Snooze Writer
In a radical step to combat umbrella fatalities on campus, the
UBC Senate has passed a motion
to employ the Seattle-based policing group DRIP (Department Rain
Inspector Police) to enforce umbrella etiquette on campus.
The issue came to a head last
week when three students, one faculty member and a resident squirrel were hospitalized all in separate umbrella incidents. The issue
was further compounded when an
AMS report titled "Umbrellas: the
UBC student population's biggest
threat," was inadvertently released
to the public.
"We are looking forward to
having DRIP on campus to patrol
the streets and arrest students
who are in violation of the Umbrella code as mandated by the
UN," announced UBC president
Steven Toope. Anyone on campus
who is caught violating the rules
will have to attend a mandatory
rehab course as well as do community service.
DRIP, an auxiliary of the CIA
special operations unit, has been
recruited after successfully transforming the once near fatal streets
of Dublin, London and Seattle by
rigorously enforcing street etiquette. They are infamous for their
stealth tactics to catch offenders.
"The situation has grown out
of control," said paramedic Moe
Yuen, who believes that employ-
The police agency DRIP violently arrest a student for violating the umbrella code, matt lastlaugh photo/the ubyssey
ing the DRIP police is the only way
to combat the problem. "These
accidents could easily be avoided
if people simply started following
the fundamentals of rainy day
life." Yuen explains that his Vancouver contingent has had a dirge
of injuries, ranging from torn corneas to gouged throats.
"We are in support ofthe DRIP
police after consulting with the
student body who feel that UBC
is one step away from anarchy,"
announced Almost Matters Society president Michael Drunkan
earlier this morning after an emergency student council meeting.
Additionally, the AMS executive
has committed itself to the publication of one million umbrella handbooks. "These handbooks will be
distributed across Vancouver and
we hope to put an end to umbrella
fatalities and casualties for once
and for all," said Drunkan.
However, Bob Cloudsky, notable sociologist whose recent book
Umbrellas: the New Facist Mechanism which recently has been
nominated for the Nobel Peace
Prize, feels that the introduction of
the DRIP to campus is just another
VANOC scheme to have total police
surveillance across Vancouver.
He explained that UBC, though
sustaining an unusually high rate
of umbrella injuries, is not more
at risk than any other suburb in
Vancouver and warned that the
DRIP comes one step closer to a
Big Brother State.
"They say this: the way you
know a Vancouverite is that they
don't have a rain jacket or a rain
umbrella,"    said    Rom    Drisle,
assistant to the Rain Gear commissioner at UBC.
"When international students
come by and have a fit about the
rain they just get in our faces.
They don't know how to deal with
the strange new technology of rain
jackets and umbrellas."
Drisle, who has held his post
for ten years, believes that foreigners to Vancouver are unable
to adapt to the climate and thus
abuse the tools they are given. Unfortunately, the main culprit is the
most lethal. Drisle suggests that
UBC should put in place a mandatory umbrella ediquette class.
"I get hit in the face so often,"
said UBC arts student Karen Baine.
Baine has mapped a 15 kilometer
route through campus to avoid errant umbrella users.
UMBRELLA CODE
1. Umbrellas are not to be raised
until the bearer of the umbrella
can visibly see rain drops on his
article of clothing.
2. Umbrellas should not extend
past elbows on horizontally extended arms.
3. If walking on a sidewalk follow
the rules of the road: walk on the
right.
4. If you are walking with a
friend share the umbrella (i.e. one
umbrella for two people not two
umbrellas for two people).
5. Keep your eyes on the road:
be aware of the traffic around you
and fellow travellers. \a
Construction workers diagnosed
with an atrocious new disease
Unable to build anything other than luxury condos
by Raef Thompson
Snooze Writer
While attempting to build an
athletic field, construction workers accidentally built a 17-story
luxury condo.
"Damn," said a construction
worker on site. "I could have
sworn we were going to build
a nice field that students could
play on, but habit just kicked in,
and before you knew it, the dry-
wall started coming in."
The crew had a clear blueprint of the new athletic field.
Construction ofthe stadium—designed to seat 30,000—was to
take two years. Hence, both
ReachHigh Construction manager Joe Pirelli and the UBC president Steven Toope were shocked
to find out that the stadium had
been completed one year ahead
of schedule. When the two men
rolled up to the construction site
a pristine 17-story luxury condo
surrounded by a garden of blue
and yellow flowers was all they
could see.
Jefferson Stogalini, building
manager, responded to criticism about the direction that the
multi-million dollar investment
took. "Until now, ReachHigh
Construction has never failed us.
I was there throughout the entire
building process of Marine Drive
5, Marine Drive 6, and even the
new West Point tower, all at least
17 floors high. These buildings
are of a high standard and this
gave me no reason to believe
that the new athletic field would
Construction workers chronically build condos. matt lastlaugh photo/the ubyssey
be any different."
"I don't think this says anything about my competency as a
building manager," he said.
After construction workers
agreed to take psychological
tests, local psychiatrists diagnosed them with Compulsive
Tower Building Disorder.
"They are at no risk to the
community," said Dr. Newfield.
"They can certainly build a 17-
story luxury condo, but tell them
to build anything else and you
haven't got a chance. I don't
believe their jobs are in danger,
however, because that is all UBC
seems to be interested in these
days."
Campus, Collective and Community Planning (CCCP) have
been slow to respond to the
crisis. Despite the construction
workers condition, the organization has not investigated other
sites under development. Director of CCCP Mo Slott said that
there is no reason for concern.
"Development is going
according to plan, we have
consulted with the community
extensively, and Trek 2010 is
going according to plan," he
explained.
"Seriously, just fuck off. And
by the way, stop questioning us
about the fucking farm."
The construction concern has
proven to be a real boon for the
real estate industry, despite the
flailing economy.
"We're just ecstatic," said
Meryll Strike, a local real estate
agent. "We've been searching for
condos overlooking the ocean
for months now. The nudists at
Wreck Beach are an additional
selling point to our property:
we're calling them a sociological
treasure." Xl
TRIUMF a breeding ground
for an army of darkness
These troops are made for marching,
and that's just what they'll do
by Cella Old
Snooze Staff
The Ubyssey has learned that one
of the experiments being done
at TRIUMF is to breed a master
race of ultra-healthy super-soldiers. The project is funded by
the UBC Excess Athletics and
Recreation Fees Grant.
"What we're aiming for here
is muon-infused students that
can be first generation X-Men,"
said TRIUMF public relations
representative Dave Smilie.
"We're quite pleased with the
progress we've made, and believe that we're really going to
have an unstoppable juggernaut
that everyone on the project can
be proud of."
The new troops are described
as "Chuck Norris-like." The first
test subject successfully ran fast
enough to travel around the
world and punch the back of his
own head, and is currently in
the process of counting to infinity for the second time.
"How strong are they?" asked
one UBC researcher rhetorically.
"Well, picture infamous juicers'
like Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire. Now imagine grinding
them into a fine dust with your
nutrition-fueled, manhole cover-
sized hands. That's the kind of
strength we're talking about."
The first crop of experimental soldiers were disguised
as physics students to shield
them from public attention.
"The process of infusing these
troops with rich isotopes and
proton beams on a constant basis is difficult. We had to find a
way to pass off visiting TRIUMF
for 20 hours a day as normal,
unsuspicious student behaviour," said one scientist on the
project. When asked for comment, one soldier said "Woo!
Running laps! I love breathing
heavily. Everything is freaking
awesome. Who wants a shot?"
The AMS expressed "mild
concern" over the weapon-
ization of campus through
particle accelerators. "This is
the latest issue of on-campus
development to be added to our
agenda, and we will absolutely
be discussing the presence of
ruthless killing machines on
campus at an upcoming meeting," said AMS president Michael Drunkan.
Phallex Blowheed disagreed,
saying that AMS leadership is
incapable of handling this crisis. "Michael Drunkan is notthe
Michael Drunkan we need. We
need Michael Clarke Drunkan,
he's the type of badass we need
to lead us out of this mess. The
man healed Tom Hanks' prostrate with just his hands! Which
is why I will be writing many,
many letters in a write-in vote
to have Michael Clarke Drunkan made next AMS president,"
said Blowheed. In completely
unrelated news, Matthew Nail-
her changed his name to Michael Clarke Drunkan shortly
after this announcement. \a 4|SNOOZE
5a [ju-b
A-SlJ     WWW.UBYSSEY.CA
NOVEMBER 28, 2008
Learn CPR on campus
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2009. CPR-C or HCP ($50): December 10th 6pm-9:30pm
and the first Tuesday throughout 2009.
Where:   Carey Centre, 5920 lona Drive (on campus)
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HUMAN RIGHTS
M03S.EATK*! AGANST WAR
AND OCCUPATION [MAWO]
SIXTH ANNUAL
VANCOUVER
NTERNAT10NAL
ANTIWAR
FLM FESTIVAL
Day 1- War, War and More War
Day 2- U.S. War on Human Rights
Saturday & Sunday - Want - 9pm
December 13th - 14th 2008
All Ages & Tree Admission
Britannia. Community Center Auditorium
1661 Napier Street (@ Commercial Drive)
MAWOVANCOUVER.ORG
Endorsed by: UBC Coalition Against War on the People of Iraq and Internationally
Agenda
• Introductions
• Staff admittance to the dark lord of the Ubyssey
• Board meeting this Friday, wait it is Friday today
• Nash Shenanigans, holy shit we are going to die in the
snow as we drive all the way there.
• Old Business such as Justin McElroy
• New Business like Maria Cirstea????
• Edit design critiques - None
• Overall aim of the paper - None
• Post-mortem, the most hated part
• Wrap up! (Seriously, you don't want to get VD)
Graah! Oh God, oh God, please kills us! Let it end—arrgh. For the love of Gaaugh! lance leibnizt photo/the ubyssey
Plant Operations releasing
zombie gas into atmosphere
Behavior modifying chemicals pose problems on
campus, students question true nature of operations
by Jeremiah Getzlaf
Snooze Writer
During the four years of Seth
Brady's undergraduate degree
at UBC he would walk around
campus between lectures and be
puzzled by what he saw.
"Everywhere I looked there
seemed to be hundreds of Plant
Ops employees driving around
in all those ridiculous-looking vehicles," said Brady. "After seeing
that every day I became increasingly aware ofthe fact that none of
them ever seemed to be working.
They're just driving around with
all this landscaping equipment
and staring at students. It really
started to creep me out."
During the summer after his
graduation, Brady decided to
join the Plant Ops crew in order
to find out if anything fishy was
going on. The following account
is the horrifying details of what
he learned while on the crew. He
has risked his life to share this
important information with students and his real name cannot
be revealed as he is being hunted
by those he betrayed.
On Wednesday, November
26, 2008 a vicious assault occurred near the south entrance
of the SUB. Friends who were
with Amy Grey, a third-year commerce student, said she suddenly
burst into a fit of rage, charged at
a group of students seated on a
bench nearby, and started clawing and biting Ben Sullivan, a
second-year forestry student.
By the time the RCMP arrived
at the scene, students had managed to restrain Grey, who with
blood-shot eyes and gnashing
teeth kept screaming, "I hate you
all!" Grey is currently being held
in custody at the RCMP detachment on Wesbrook Mall, while
Sullivan is at the university hospital with multiple wounds to his
face and neck.
This assault resembles at
least four other instances of
student aggression that have required police intervention since
September 2008. Furthermore,
John McCoy of UBC Counselling
Services reported that in the last
year, there has been a 500 per
cent increase in the number of
students seeking counselling
related to issues of controlling
personal anger.
"I don't feel safe at UBC any
more," said Wendy Chang, a
second-year forestry student
and friend of Sullivan. "Lately it
seems like students are so pushy
and rude with each other. What
are they so angry about?" She
added, "What makes it worse is
there seems to be a greater presence of Plant Ops workers driving
around and watching students
than UBC Campus Security."
Reports from Campus Security
describe other strange behaviour
on campus involving Plant Ops
workers. Randy Moore, who patrols the campus on weeknights
from 10pm to 6am, said, "On a
few occasions I've seen a Plant
Ops crew spraying the plants
around campus with this substance that smells like vinegar. I
don't know why they've got to do
that in the middle ofthe night."
Seth Brady was a psychology
student and volunteer research
assistant in Dr Catharine Win-
stanley's laboratory of molecular
and behavioural neuroscience.
Today, he draws a link between
student aggression and the Plant
Ops workers. In order to study
aggression in rats, Winstanley
has developed a chemical agent
calledTAl. Once inhaled,TAI permanently binds to and stimulates
the limbic system, a part of the
brain that controls anger.
"When I first heard about
Winstanley's research I was very
interested in getting involved,"
recalls Brady. "But after four
years of volunteering in that
lab, I realize what a mistake I've
made. TAI reeks like vinegar
and it turns those poor rats into
zombies. Plus I don't trust Winstanley. She seems to have this
weird, secret relationship with
John Metras, the director of UBC
Plant Operations."
Brady's suspicions began
when one evening in February
2005 he made an unscheduled
visit to the lab. "I went to the
lab because I forgot one of my
textbooks there," explains Brady.
"When I got there I overheard
Winstanley in her office, sweet-
talking Metras on the phone and
telling him about how she'd like
to try TAI on humans."
What Brady fears is that Winstanley is using UBC Plant Ops to
execute abehavioural experiment,
using students as her subjects. By
night Plant Ops crews have distributed TAI around campus, and
by day they drive around campus
observing the effects of TAI on
student aggression.
"I've seen what TAI can do to
rats over the long term," warned
Brady. "If students really are
inhaling this stuff, then its probably too late. It's going to be a
blood bath."
Plant Ops refused to directly
comment on these accusations,
only acknowledging that they
need just two vehicles to operate on a daily basis. When asked
what the other vehicles were
being used for, Plant Ops spokesman Robert Gibbs was elusive.
"No comment," he said. "All
will become clear in time." VJJ Look! It's a
staff ad! Mt ">  culture;
5a [ju-bA-si] | www.ubyssey.ca
NOVEMBER 28, 2008
DOES
DOG
EXIST?
Find out with the dyslexic
agnostics at The Ubyssey.
volunteers @ ubyssey. ca
Joel: SRS didn't start the fire
MASTERo/
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For additional program, admission and application
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or skim@chass.utoronto.ca
www.economics.utoronto.ca/mfe
THE PRESIDENT'S
BLUE # GOLD REVUE
A Celebration
of UBC Excellence
Wednesday, December 10
7:30 - 9:00 pm
Chan Centre for the Performing Arts
6265 Crescent Road
Experience presentations, videos, singing, acting
and interviews that showcase UBC's outstanding
students.
Complimentary coffee and dessert afterwards
FREE tickets
www.supporting.ubc.ca/blueandgold
Showcasing:
UBC Model UN
Emerging Green Builders
Tales from the Bay
Engineers Without Borders
Award-winning Theatre students
Blue Whale Project
CBC TV's show Project X
VIFF award-winning film
UBC Opera Ensemble
Rural Health Outreach Project
For months, speculation has run rampant over who lit the infamous bonfire at KnollAid 2.0 that eventually resulted in the arrest
of 20 students. Many have accused members of Students for a
Republican Society for the incidents that evening. However, at a
press conference yesterday, SRS spokesperson Billy Joel denied the
charges, telling reporters "We didn't start the fire," adding that,
from a neoliberal international capatalist perspective, "Itwas always
burning, since the world's been turning." When asked who he
thought was most responsible for the fire, Joel accused "Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, studebaker, television, North Korea, South
Korea, and Marilyn Monroe."
JOE BOB PHOTO/THE UBYSSEY
Homeless man, or
communist spy?
19 years after fall of Cold War,
secret spy "ChairBo" still at work
BY CANADIAN ROB
Write for culture or die. culture ©ubyssey.ca
Culture? Writer
It has been 19 years since the fall
ofthe Berlin Wall; still, remnants
of those tumultuous times serve
as a reminder of those tense Cold
Waryears. From the mid-1940s to
the early 1990s, a secret network
of spies called the "Ha6jno,u,aTejiH
rex Monoflbix HiiHTOxecTB" (literally translated as "Watchers of
them Young Whippersnappers")
existed in great secrecy. Sent out
to universities worldwide, these
top-secret agents embarked on a
mission to discover the cultural
likes and dislikes of students
in an attempt to better understand—and manipulate—potential future targets.
The memo ordering the recall of all Watchers was sent out
a day after the fall of the Berlin
Wall. To the great consternation
of both the Russian government
and the KGB, most of the Watchers never returned to Moscow.
What happened to the missing Watchers?
A multitude of things, it
would seem. One such missing
Watcher is Vladimir "ChairBo"
Ivanakov. Widely believed by
UBC students to be a homeless
man who spends his days in the
SUB eating biscuits and soup,
Ivanakov was sent on a very particular mission involving a study
of Canadian popular culture in
the early 80s. Seeing this far
northern idea of popular culture
as a yet unexplored frontier,
Ivanakov undertook a mission
that none of the other Watchers
dared. Plunging headfirst into a
world where Jim Carrey was but
a fledging wannabe, he watched
from the sidelines, learning more
and more as the days went by.
"People were curious, you
know? Guy with accent asking
questions, wanting to know what
was good on the radio, what was
the 'in' thing to do. They always
thought I was a bit sad, a bit pathetic. But hey, I got the answers
I needed," he said, laughing.
His laughter turned to bitterness as he recounted that after
15 years of sending information
to the KGB, including detailed reports on poutine, Bryan Adams
and a young up and coming Canuck named Trevor Linden, all
communication stopped.
"I don't understand," Ivanakov said, "I slaved away, listening
to those records and watching
hockey games and then boom,
one day, they never replied. Said
they'd call me back when it was
all over, but they never did. Ungrateful bastards," he snapped,
and then scarfed down a slice of
pizza.
When asked about his current
plan of action, Ivanakov pointed
out that his orders were to pass
on any relevant cultural information, and technically, his orders
had not been officially stopped.
Thus, he continues to note down
his daily activity in extremely
detailed letters, sending them in
a hope that he might return in a
wave of glory. With an adamant
shake of his head, he said, "You
see people like Igor Gouzenko?
I'm not like that. Not going to
leave 'till it's done."
And Ivanakov believes that
his reports are having some effect. "I've been reading the papers, and Putin reminds me of a
young Breshnev," he said, adding
"Russians aren't defecting out of
the NHL for no reason." ecures
Editor: Joe 'Phallus'Rayment \ E-mail: features@ubyssey.ca
November 28,2008 \ Page 9
RCMP have "final solution" to the "fraternity issue"
University attempts
to cleanse campus of
many "undesirables'
55
by Trevor Tapedeck
Fecures Writer
Attempting to rectify the ongoing "fraternity issue" once and
for all, local RCMP have drafted
a mystery-shrouded plan described as "the final solution."
Although they have remained
tight-lipped on the specifics of
the plan, an RCMP press release
delivered Wednesday stated
that once the plan is in effect
"the question of the fraternities
will be erased from the pages
of history. It will be our final
solution."
The Greeks have remained
mostly silent with regards to the
plan, primarily as a result of the
dutifully enforced local law that
forbids fraternity members from
speaking to journalists, politicians and clergymen.
"In no vay do ve vish to stop
ze fun from happening on campus," staff sergeant Eichmann-
Worsley said while directing a
crew of policemen erecting a
massive barbed-wire fence in
front of one of the fraternity
houses. "But with all fun zere
must be law and restraint, or ve
are no better than ze simians.
If ze fraternities would return
to their hovels by precisely
7pm, remain quiet and orderly
while zere, and never stray
from their designated section
of ze bus, none of this vould be
necessary."
The Final Solution will be
the last in a long line of measures taken against the fraternities, which date back to 1933.
Then, the university published
a study that categorized potential community members and
ranked them in terms of desirability. "Herrenvolk," or desirables, were placed near the top
and included faculty members,
private citizens, dollar bills and
researchers. In order of descending desirability, they were
followed by graduate students,
undergraduates (non-arts), arts
undergraduates, transfer students from SFU, and finally the
Greeks. The study led to the great
relocation of the 1950s, when
fraternity houses were placed in
ghetto leased land at the south
end of campus, in attempt to
isolate the fraternities from the
general campus population.
But when the development of
south campus to house more
"desirables" began, the fraternities had to be relocated next to
Greenwood Commons, which
led to an intensification of what
is now known as the Fraternity
Issue. When asked about the decision to move the fraternities
next to the market housing, UBC
Properties Trust chancellor Al
Potter was evasive.
"This is clearly a gestap—I
mean RCMP—matter. I am only
able to control zoning, not see
to the well-being of the community," said Potter as he stroked
the head of a panther chained to
his fireplace. "I cannot control
the police, and if they have not
managed to get the fraternity
issue under control, it is their
failing and not mine."
A series of countermeasures
meant to stem a perceived tide
of uncontrolled fun having and
beer drinking were directed
toward the Greeks. Fraternity
members were soon made to
wear armbands bearing a beer
insignia at all times while in
public, be inside by 7pm, and
were prohibited from holding
jobs on campus or gazing upon
women not belonging to sororities. By 2006, social events for
fraternities were permitted
only when a "special occasion
license had been procured, and
massive signs were erected outside of fraternity houses that
outlined rules for drinking,
which clearly state no minors
or visibly intoxicated people
were allowed on the grounds.
RCMP action against the fraternities has only intensified in
the last year, leading up to the
infamous "Kristallheineken-
nacht," or Night of the Broken
Beer Bottles, last month.
A spokesman for the UBC
Inter-Fraternity Council (IFC),
who requested his name be
withheld for fear of arrest, says
that the fraternities are a scapegoat, and that police actions are
part of a larger scheme. "Only
a handful of noise complaints
in the area have actually been
traced to the fraternities. Most
of us can't even drink very often any more, since most liquor
stores won't serve us when they
see the band around our arms.
The Final Solution is just an
excuse to round us up and get
rid of us. We haven't heard
from some of our brothers who
were caught out past curfew in
Two fraternity residents popping their colars in solidarity with their oppressed brothers, max power photo/the ubyssey
weeks, and for the last few days
the RCMP's new 'industrial
oven' has been spewing out a
thick black smoke."
"Ah, so ze IFC thinks they
can hide behind anonymity,"
staff sergeant Eichmann-Wors-
ley said when informed of the
IFC representative's statements.
"Hauptmann Bachmeier! Prepare ze jeep at once, ve must
conduct another roundup of ze
animals."
Despite the RCMP's continued assurance that they treat
fraternity members with "exactly the respect and handling
[the Greeks] deserve," rumours
in no vay do ve vish to stop ze fun from
happening Oil CampUS. But with all fun ZQYC
must be law and restraint, orveare no better
than ze simians.
—Staff Sergeant Eichmann-Worsley
persist amongst conspiracy
theorists that the Final Solution
amounts to a large-scale slaughter of the fraternities, often referred to as a "Beer-ocaust."
The Radical Beer Faction,
a secretive group of terrorist
rebels who promote the uncontrolled use of alcohol, have
posted multiple YouTube videos
urging world leaders to step in
to put a stop to what they described at a "brutal administration of death and sobriety." But,
many more respected members
ofthe UBC community have dismissed these accusations.
"There is absolutely no
evidence that points to the
mistreatment of frat members
in the UBC endowment lands."
said Jasper de Gaulle, a resident
of Greenwood Commons and
vocal Beer-ocaust denier. "At
best, these allegations can be
considered the result of overactive imaginations, at worst an
intentional hoax meant to divert
discourse over the real matter at
hand. The issue is the violence
that the Greeks perpetrate,
which has caused UBC to drop
in international rankings, and
not the countermeasures taken
by respectable members of this
community."
Although the true intent of
the Final Solution is still uncertain, our benevolent dictators
have repeatedly insisted that it
is nothing for the common resident to worry about.
"The kind of community we
have planned, which we are calling 'the third community to last a
thousand years,' will not include
the debauched shenanigans of
the lower-class humans which
make up the fraternities." Fiihrer
of Campus and Community Planning Mo Slott said, "Although
I'm not sure if they can be truly
considered human. But rest assured, soon this nightmare, along
with all of your confusion, will be
a thing of the distant past, along
with the dust, vomit, and discarded bottles ofthe fraternities."
Slott has recently come under
criticism for a persistent rumour
that his biological father was
a fraternity member who had
broken the ancient law of Greek-
non Greek mingling with Slott's
mother, a frequent patron of "Ye
Olde Mine Shafte" (Pit Pub predecessor). If true, it would mean he
is half-Greek. \l Smarter-than-vou
November 28,2008 | Page 10
What you should think
Three cheers for the AMS!
We here at The Ubyssey want to congratulate the Almost Matters Society (AMS) for finally having the balls to stand up and do something
meaningful: pass a meaningless motion.
Now some critics, like the Students for a Republican Society (SRS),
claim that this is a waste of time and money, and that they should
be focusing on things like transit and the Farm (even though we now
know the Farm was a lie).
The Ubyssey, however, believes this is the best thing that the AMS
can do. The AMS has been wasting their time away with fancy policy
but this new move is one pointed in the right direction: apathy. The
AMS is very much like an alcoholic (something we know plenty about),
and for an alcoholic to cure himself, he needs to admit his problem
first. Or something like that—we've been missing our AA meetings
lately. Ahem.
But back to the AMS. Students know what they want: they don't
really want anything. Look at the last election. Less than 4000 people
showed up to vote in the AMS election, and we believe that not doing
anything for the students simply represents what the AMS should be.
AMS president Michael Drunkan lead this meaningless motion
confidently and we should be very appreciative. Leading the entire
AMS in circles will be remembered long after he departs for whatever
political pink-hat hackery he pursues. Same with Matthew Nailher.
Though he lost to Mamamia Harass, he still helped pass this meaningless motion.
Unlike the claims of Whorey Mean, we believe that the students are
well represented by this waste of time. Whorey Mean claims that the
students are more interested in defending refugees and making sure
nothing offensive comes out of the mouths of our dear councillors—
but, looking at the history of this campus, we disrespectively disagree.
No, students are not interested in campus politics, or making sure the
AMS represents them. They are more interested in their GPA, fucking
their fellow classmates and recreational drinking.
Accordingly, we believe the AMS is not doing enough by just being meaningless. They should perform actions that directly relate to
students.
Fridays, the AMS should collectively get really drunk and wreck
campus monuments. Wednesdays, we want to see the councillors try
and hook up with each other in awkward fashion. Thursday mornings,
we want to see councillors doing the walk of shame back to their respective dorms—dressed in their finest clubbing attire wrinkled and
stained.
But, for now, the best that we as students can hope for is that the
AMS continues to do nothing for the student body. Hopefully, their lack
of commitment and vision, coupled with the fact that, each year, there
are brand new unexperienced councillors, will help maintain this
agenda. A meaningless body should support meaningless motions—it
just makes sense. U
Mamamia Harass represents students
Two weeks ago, Mamamia Harass was elected as Director of Electoral Area A, narrowly beating out a host of other candidates, most
of whom we believed would better serve students. Since her election, however, Mamamia Harass has demonstrated a commitment
to students that was, quite frankly, unexpected. Harass has displayed
a more serious commitment to the student body.
Let's take a look at the most pressing issue: the UBC Farm. While
we frankly couldn't give a crap as to what happens to that 24-hectare
dump, we hear that the Farm has not been demolished, which, we
assume, is because our elected representative went to the Board of
Capitalist Gluttons and championed student concerns. Fight the system, Mamamia! Save the fire, save the farm!
Harass, thinking that the status quo works perfectly on this campus, has done nothing to facilitate a positive relationship with the
RCMP and the student body. Good. Honestly, we need the RCMP to
crack down on campus drinking. Otherwise, we would have to come
up with new stories to cover. But thanks to the lack of action on
Harass's part, we still have stories to report on, such as tasers, police
brutality, the War on Fun, the War on the War on Fun, the War on the
War on the War on Fun, and Phallex Blowheed.
The Vancouver Olympic Committee's (VANOC) ever growing
infiltration on campus is set to spread. Harass said during the preliminary debates that VANOC presence on campus was "a given,"
and that we should "all enjoy the spirit of the event." We here at The
Ubyssey sure will. Kudos, Mamamia!
But where she really shines is being relatable to students. General apathy is truly a student characteristic, and Harass uncannily
reflects students in her disengagement with campus. Take 30 years
off, and she could be an everyday undergrad. Even though her residence is within the University Well-Endowed Lands, she has taken it
upon herself to mirror the majority ofthe student populace that commutes. In the morning she drives to Surrey, then heads to work.
No, Harass has not been spotted at rallies; no, she has not been
spotted picking produce at the Farm; no, she has not been seen at the
Old Barn Community Centre speaking to University Neighbourhoods
Association residents, and no, she has not been doing anything to
show her commitment to improving this campus community. But
it's not like you would have been there to see her. You have better
things to do, and so does she.
Lastly, we respect that Harass doesn't open herself up to gossip
fodder. We wouldn't want a leader that took a stand anyway. That'd
mean students might have to become engaged, to care, to respond.
And frankly, that's the last thing any of us need. U
by Maria Maria Westside Story
Obligatory commenta
IN RESPONSE TO
THE IAC ATTACKS
I have been following the online
responses to "Shameful display
by the IAC," which ran in the letters section in the paper November 25, 2008. What is shameful
is that while the views of the
Israeli and Palestinian sides
have been aired, the discussion
has completely ignored the Ukra-
nian perspective on the dispute,
perpetuating the Israel-Palestine
hegemonic influence on the
debate.
This hegemony completely
ignores the interests on the region's other border, specifically
of the Greek island of Crete. The
island was the proud home of
the Minoan civilization before it
was cruelly incorporated by the
Greeks. If not for the influence
ofthe Greeks, a massive volcanic
explosion, and a tsunami that
swept away the island's coastal
Skeeters
cities and ships, it is likely that
the nation would have expanded
its borders east and become a
modest trading empire.
Crete, therefore, has a debatable claim on both Cypress and
sections of the sections of the
West Bank that would remain
3000 years after an empire
controlled it, and it's time the
powers that be recognize the legitimacy of the island's right to
argue. We demand a three-state
conversation!
—Hoe Lightment
Arts 15
IN RESPONSE TO
PLANT OPS
There is no conspiracy. If you
value the appearance of your
campus, you will stop digging.
—Anonymous
IN RESPONSE TO
THE FINAL SOLUTION
It's irresponsible to state that
these events you described have
happened unless you have been
in the fraternities' houses or in
the RCMP building and seen it
with your own eyes. People continuously make statements like
this based solely on rumour and
conjecture rather than seeing
it themselves, only to find later
that it isn't true—such as with the
Chupacabra, the g-spot, or 9/11.
I've been researching Greeks
for many years, and their association with the "PanHellenic
Society"—"Pan" which is Latin
for "all" and "Hellenic" which
is Latin for "of Satan"—clearly
illustrates their deviant beliefs
in support of Satanism, communism, and evolution.
—Dr Ricardolus Bartopolous
Professor of Greek History
What was your first time like?
Ricky Bordom
Arts 3
"Itwas the
wrong hole...it
was dark, how
was I supposed
to know?"
Starry Wash
Grad
"Really expensive."
Maria Maria West-
side Biophysics 4
"We were doing it in a leaky
boat. After a
while I realized
we were sitting
in a pool of water I told him I
was wet, and he
said, 'It's about
fucking time.'"
Smellin' Piggins
Arts 8
"I'm still waiting
for Miss Right.
But, uh, what
are you doing
later? Tomorrow? No? Okay,
well, I'll call
you next week.
Hey, where are
you going? I
thought chastity
was sexy."
Sehor Havez
Med 2
"I'll tell you in
about three
minutes."
-Coordinated by Rufus Endo & Ivanna Humpalot, with photos by Rufus Endo NOVEMBER 2S, 200fc
5a [ju-bA-SJ]   | WWW.UBYSSEY.CA
GAMES & COMICS     11
Games & Comics
SUICIDEC0MIC.COM, BY MIKE BROWNIE
Sudoku
I Ti-t(AJfc VjE shoucv
MAKE  a OVICIDE pACi
NOBODY CARES COMIC, BY MARIA CISISHSHAHH.
1r\6jac#&TlS
BURNABY, BY MAD SPOCK
ToAa/AOo   CoMirJtr
A
B
E
D
Z
99
00
01
30
solution, tips and computer
programs at www.sudoku.com
HARD # AA
su|do|ku
© Puzzles by Pappocom
TREV0R.RALPH.C0MICGENESIS.COM, BY TREVOR RALPH
«mi*m
SUBMIT a comic for the new year, we publish again i
/q/       ^•Cv^l
%vv *\      *Z^^~"^
1      Z4^S^.        'T
-                SOMEONE 6£T ME AN
ft*   EI&HT6ALL; THIS IS &OIN& TO
W               TAKE ME ALL IMI6HT.
ake a friend your neighbour
Teach English
Overseas
Who would know better than you how idyllic life
is at UBC? Why not refer a friend to Pacific in
WesbrooJc Place? Homes start from $399,900
Referring a friend who
purchases at Pacific
will make you eligible
for participation in
our generous referral
program* rewarding both
your friend and yourself.
PACIFIC
SPIRIT
PA^K
PACIFIC
Sales Centre Open Doily
Noon - 5 pm (Except Friday}
1 10-5779 Birney Ave,
Vancouver 604.221.8878
PACIFIC
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apartments proudly built by award-winning
Adera. Near the ocean, yet protected by the
legendary trees of Pacific Spirit Park. Out of
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OXFORD SEMINARS
604-683-3430/1-800-269-6719
www.oxfordseminars.ca
Feel sad?
Feel Blue?
DON'T YOU
DARE COME
VOLUNTEER FOR
US!
SERIOUSLY, we
don't really want
volunteers. In fact
we try our hardest
to drive them all
away. The Ubyssey
is actually a front
for drugs and
prostitution. Our
coordinating editor
had a personal ad in
the paper but didn't
get ANY action from
it. That was crap and I
am totally not bitter at
all from it. Seriously.
Anyways, don't come
volunteer for us. It
would be terrible,
Signed
The Ubyssey Staff 

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