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The Ubyssey Dec 10, 2009

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Array WE THE PEOPLES... A STRONGER UBC FOR A BETTER WORLD SINCE I918
Watch our brave
correspondents'
war zone coverage
online!
(at ubyssey.ca)
^THEUN-BYSSEYca
Thisyear's satire edition of The TJbyssey is dedicated to T\pbert Worsley. aMerry Christmas, T{pb.
YOUR STUDENT NEWSPAPE] _ JGHT TO YOU BYTHE UNITED NATIONS • VOLUME 91, NUMBER XXVIII • ROOM 24, STUDENT UNION BUILDING • FEEDBACK@UN-BYSSEY.CA
SPARKY MCBELL
shortshorts@un-byssey.ca
A UNITED NATIONS supported coalition force
invaded campus yesterday, responding to the human rights
complaint filed by the Alma Mater Society (AMS). The
UN force, referred to as the UN Mission in Point Grey, BC
(UNMPGBC) has made tuition completely free for all students,
displaced the UBC administration and created chaos and
anarchy on campus. CONTINUED ON PAGE 3.
UN MEDIA SPOKESPERSON I IN SUPRISINGLY INFORMAL GARB
2009-12*10
DAILY   BRIEFING
RHETORIC DECLARES EXAMS OPTIONAL
Freely-Elected President Flake Rhetoric
announced Monday that, effective immediately examinations would now be optional.
"Our current exam system unfairly favours
students with the resources to attend
courses, buy textbooks, and spend time
studying," he said. "By allowing individuals
to determine their own grades, we hope to
provide students, regardless of their personal circumstances, with an equal chance
of success at UBC."
Students may submit their grades
directly to professors or online on the
Student Service Centre website.
YAWN NAMED EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR
Bristol Yawn, VP Adrninistration, will be
named AMS Executive of the Year in a
public ceremony on Friday for her work
in campus planning, all while managing
not to cause international embarrassment
to UBC. In a statement released by her
office, Yawn briefly professed her gratitude
for the award before including a detailed
explanation of the outfit she will be wearing to the awards ceremony. The dress,
which was constructed for her over the
course of the UN occupation weekend by a
prominent Seattle couturier, required "like
a dozen fittings" and "totally cannot be
copied, you guys, so don't even try." Hon
will also wear black tights, black flats and a
black 'slim-line' kevlar vest.
Yawn declined to comment on how recent
changes to the campus landscape will affect
plans for the SUB renewal, although she did
profess some confusion, asking "where all
these bunkers came from all of a sudden?"
CONDO PLANNERS: WHAT WAR ZONE?
Despite consistent efforts on the part of
UN Peacekeeping Troops to evacuate
areas south of University Boulevard and
rumored injuries to construction workers,
UBC Properties Trust says it will continue
development on a flagship condominium
complex in the Wesbrook Place area.
Properties Trust officials disregarded UN
complaints and direct orders from Freely
Elected President Flake Rhetoric in order to
continue work on the site, which has been officially declared a "safety-compromised zone."
According to the Properties Trust website,
the complex, which will provide housing and
"mid-level medical care" for seniors, is expected to near completion in the next two years.
UBC RESEARCH ASSISTANT
DISCOVERS NEW SYNDROME
HKin PhD student and research assistant
Jodie Fungus announced on Tuesday her
discovery of a new syndrome unique to the
UBC campus, tentatively dubbed "UBC War
Syndrome," or "Hacktrophy."
Fungus noticed a rise in students presenting symptoms including eye strain, fatigue,
atrophied leg and arm muscles, carpal tunnel and shooting pains in the lower back,
shoulders and forehead. The syndrome has
been linked to constant use of social media
utilities such as Twitter and Facebook, as
well as an overwhelming urge to remain
up-todate with political developments.
"The atrophied muscles, back pains
and carpal tunnel are all associated with
prolonged computer usage," said medical expert Dr Henry Apartment, "but the
foreheads have got us stumped. These are
quite pronounced contusions, as though
subjects had been frequently and repeatedly slamming their heads into a hard object,
such as a desk or a wall." Health officials
have yet to issue a campus advisory.
INTERIM PRESIDENT TO BE DECIDED
VIA DEATH MATCH
In a series of hastily photocopied notices
stuck to the front doors ofthe SUB, the UBC
Rebel Board Faction has announced its intent
to elect a socalled "interim president" via
death match. The Alliance, whose leadership
largely consists of discredited former members of AMS Council, will run its candidate
in the next election against Freely Elected
President Flake Rhetoric. Contenders include
former Arts Rep Matthew Nailher (trident),
former Senator Jeff CoSoloe (short sword),
and a homeless man living somewhere near
Wreck Beach (bare hands). The contest will
be held at a secret location next week and will
be extensively liveblogged. tl 2/UBYSSEY.CA/EVENTS/2009.12.10
DECEMBER 10, 2OO9
VOLUME XCI,   N° XXVIII
EDITORIAL
UN EDITOR
Buccio Bucci: bigmouth@un-byssey.ca
UN NEWS CENTRE EDITOR
Samuel Freud: louddrunk@un-byssey.ca
USO CULTURE INITIATIVE EDITORS
Kate the Barbarian & Trevor Trevor :
hebrewlust@un-byssey. ca
UN COALITION OF SPORTS EDITOR
Sparky McBellboy: shortshorts@un-byssey.ca
RADICAL OPINIONS EDITOR
Record Melanson: radicalopinions@un-byssey.ca
RECIPIENT OF HEBREW LUST
Albano the Albino : lustrecipient@un-byssey.ca
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY
Kyrstin Bain :perfection@un-byssey.ca
MCBELLBOY EDITOR
Ekaterina Regrgictation : ggghg@un-byssey.ca
WAR ZONE CORRESPONDENT EDITOR
Tarannosaurus: ineverpickupmyphone@un-byssey.ca
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BCV6T lZl
tel: 604.822.2301
fax: 604.822.9279
web: www.unbyssey.ca
e-mail: feedback@unbyssey.ca
BUSINESS
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604.822.1654
business office: 604.822.6681
fax: 604.822.1658
e-mail: advertising@ubyssey. ca
BUSINESS MANAGER : Fernie Pereira
AD TRAFFIC : Sabrina Marchand
AD DESIGN : Chibwe Mweene
LEGAL
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the
University of British Columbia. It is published every
Monday and Thursday by The Ubyssey Publications
Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run
student organization, and all students are encouraged
to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey
staff. They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and
do not necessarily reflect the views of The Ubyssey
Publications Society or the University of British
Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey
is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained
herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed,
written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian
University Press (CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding
principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words.
Please include your phone number, student number and
signature (not for publication) as well as your year and
faculty with all submissions. ID will be checked when
submissions are dropped off at the editorial office ol
The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done by
phone. "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300
words but under 750 words and are run according
to space. "Freestyles" are opinion pieces written by
Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters
and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is
time sensitive. Opinion pieces will not be run until the
identity of the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey
reserves the right to edit submissions for length and
clarity. All letters must be received by 12 noon the day
before intended publication. Letters received after this
point will be published in the following issue unless
there is an urgent time restriction or other matter
deemed relevant by the Ubyssey staff.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising that if the Ubyssey Publications Society
fails to publish an advertisement or if an error in the ad
occurs the liability of the UPS will not be greater than
the price paid for the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do
not lessen the value or the impact of the ad
CONTRIBUTORS
This issue could not have been possible without help
from: Paul Bucci, Samantha Jung, Kate Barbaria, Trevor
Record, Justin McElroy, Trevor Melanson, Brendan
Albano, Kyrstin Bain, Katarina Grgic, Tara Martellaro, Kai
Green, Siri Willians, Jennifer Zhang, Kasha Chang, Austin
Holm, Vinnie Yuen, Brian Grant, Geoff Costeloe, Matthew
Naylor, Chibwe Mweene, Stephanie So, Andres Casallas,
Hisashi Yoshii, Larisa Karr, Matt Klassen, Maria Kari,
Charlize Gordon, Rhys Edwards, Anthony Goertz, Gerald
Deo, Oker Chen and Kathy Yan Li.
V      Canada Post Sales
Agreement
Number 0040878022
Canadian    printed on^100s%
University     'reeycledpaper
Press \_AQ
EVENTS
ONGOING EVENTS
Ubyssey Production • Come help us
create this baby! Learn about layout and
editing. Expect to be hit on by both male
and female editors. Learn about the true
versatile properties of the F-word. Have
your many mistakes immortalized in
print. • SUB 24, Sundays and Wednes-
days, don't bother showing up until late
afternoon—we don't either
Satan's Saturday Spread • Love Satan? Like to worship the dark lord while
eating a delicious and well-balanced
meal? Satan's Saturday Spread is for
all members of the UBC community
who want to sacrifice to the lord of sin
while having a grand old time with other
satanists. All meals are home cooked
and vegetarian-friendy Bring your own
animal sacrifice. • Every Saturday, 7pm-
10pm, Chapel of Lost Souls, sacrifices wil
start promptly at 9pm
Life before the UN. UBCs former life
on display • V\fent to mentally escape
the terror of campus life? V\fell, you can't.
Local artist Snazzy Oncewas brings you
the wonderful (and totally real) history
of life before the UN ocapancy • On
display forever, Rake Rhetoric's swanky
new office in the SUB.
Pit Night! • A classy time. Jazz bands
and tasteful Monty Python jokes. Buy the
Engineers some port. • Every Wednesday starting at 8pm, SUB basement
THURSDAY, DEC 10
How to host a party • Specifically
geared towards frat and sorority students, this UNA workshop will teach
you the best way to host a rager Tips
include such gems as: for a party with
great atmosphere, sound-proof rooms
are always best; beer is okay, but port
can be savoured far longer; and everyone appreciates Bach (but only when
played at a reasonable level). Come on
out and learn in a fun environment! •
4pm, no rowdies, no first-years, no AUS
Flake's tots • President Rake Rhetoric
visits a third-grade dass and delivers the
good news that their university tuition
will be free once they graduate, the little
cuties Good photo op. • Nelson Elementary School, Dam, Room 312
FRIDAY, DEC 11
Scripted Improv! • The UBC Improv
team presents a brand new style of
improv: scripted scenes! This groundbreaking new style was developed on
WELCOME TO THE UBYSSEYS
ALL-SATIRE ISSUE
Once a year. The Ubyssey publishes their all-satire issue. All
articles contained within are fiction and meant for entertainment
purposes only. Any resemblance to the truth is pure coincidence.
Please don't sue us. Seriously, we have no money anyway.
campus by Improv president Spandy
Crystoball. • Norm Theatre, 9pm, tix $5
or free with membershp, no cameras!
Bristol Yawn's Award Ceremony •
AMS VP Adminstration Bristol Yawn's
ceremony to present her the award ta
Executive of the Year. Full of as much
pomp and circumstance as President
Stephane Toope's Red and Black Revue
Yawn's outfit promises to be the cutest
thing ever, oh mah gawd. • Chan Centre,
7pm, 4 bananas or apples, bts of cameras allowed.
SATURDAY DEC 12
The USO presents A Night for the
Troops! • The UN coalition force presents a five hour show. Comedians Dane
Cook, Carlos Mencia and Russell Peters,
will perform. Followed by country music
singer Wynonna Judd and a routine
by the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. •
Thunderbird Stadium, free for members
of the UN coalition force, NO STUDENTS
ALLOWED
If you have an event you want listed
here, e-mail us at events&un-byssey.
ca. We'll probably ignore you, or
mock your event furiously, but hey,
at least you tried?
KORREKTUREN
In der letzten Ausgabe bezeichneten
wir im Scherz ein Mitglied der Nation-
alsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei
(NSDAP) als "Mitglied der Royal Canadian
Mounted Police (RCMP)." Die Ubyssey
entschuldigt sich hiermit dafur
CLASSIFIED
\Afer paint for sale. Unopened, in blue, red,
purple and black Good for mood swings,
or if you change alliances. Call Jacky at
604 777 1112
GAMES AND COMICS
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EQUITY SUDOKU—WE ARE ALL ONE V. PROGRESSIVE
ACROSS
2. Society disbanded due to power-hungry Sir
Andy Carnivorous
6. The Saviours of UBC
8. Fallen ex-AMS president
11. Location of the United Nation's most recent
campaign
15. Completely irrelevant political body
16. Timkachu's secret weapon
17 What Harvard Boy, Qwerty and Yawn can't
do
18. AMS President & Overseer of Truth
20. What Harvard Boy, Qwerty and Yawn did
without thinking
DOWN
I. Rhetoric's main lobbying point
3. Neighbourhood organization that kindly requests we "keep it down"
4. Political body ruled like "A tin-pot little African
country"
5. Society believed to know whereabouts of
CoSoloe
7 UN press releases
9 Leader of the Resistance
10. What Rhetoric was "elected" to be
12. Former UBC president, now in hiding
13. 'Tuition is a basic human "
14. Legal opinion prevented	
19. Society least affected by leadership changes
Crossword puzzle by OMGeveryone
totatylovesaosswords.com. Don't tell
them we stole it
VAGUELYDEPRESSINGCOMICS.COM, THE EVERYMAN
r
SoMeriMes You
do    ooT...
F(£iHT...
7
You   Q I £. 2009.12.10/UN-BYSSEY.CA/UN NEWS CENTRE/3
WANTED g*
by the UN
UN News Centre
VP STUDENTS
BOWTIE SURLYVAN
MISSING FOR 24 HOURS
REWARD: TWO BOW TIES
PRESIDENT
STEPHANE TOOPE
MISSING SINCE THE
INITIAL INVASION
REWARD: THREE PIES
AMS VP FINANCE
THOMAS QWERTY
MISSING FOR 10 HOURS
REWARD: SIX MINT-
CONDITION PEPPERMINT PATTIES
UN News Centre Editor: Samuel Freud
AMS President Rhetoric overthrows Toope as leader of campus
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
The controversy began two weeks
ago when the AMS filed an official
human rights complaint to the UN
arguing that Canada had not upheld
commitments which it had agreed
to by an international covenant.
While authors Flake Rhetoric and
Timkachu were originally derided
by many on campus, the UN treated
their complaint with the utmost
gravity.
"When there are people in need,
we must stand for universal truths.
Freedom of assembly, democracy,
literacy...and free tuition for the entitled youth of first world countries,"
said Erin Fist, media contact of the
UN forces.
Fist, who planted the UN flag on
the Grassy Knoll to the delight of hundreds of students, defended the UN
intervening in Canadian law, saying
that the will of the students must be
obeyed.
"Look, lower tuition is a issue
everyone can get behind, and who
better to address that but the UN?
Anyone who does not support these
actions clearly has rich parents,
votes for the Liberal Party, and is
controlled by Colonel Nailher. Long
live jam spaces!"
The UN was also urged to enter
UBC after seeing a December 2008
issue of The UN-byssey that said
UBC President Stephane Toope was
building a giant death ray to enslave
campus  and a  "Beer-acaust"  was
happening on campus, apparently
not understanding that the issue was
the annual Satire edition ofthe paper.
In response, Toope, who has
been missing since the arrival of
UN troops, released a statement that
said, "I'm one of the world's leading
experts in human rights and international law, and I think I would know
if I was abusing them." (Editor's note:
Really, he would. See Wikipedia.)
Flake Rhetoric, AMS president,
has so far been leading a group
supporting the UN's actions, and is
rumoured to be laying the groundwork for taking complete control of
campus. In a message released prior
to the UN invasion force, he said "It
is important that students remain
calm and remember that so long as
we are doing something to lower tuition, even if I subvert the will of the
people and eliminate my enemies
in the name of the Great Layton, it's
all good. And if not, it is important
to note that I will always listen to
and trust the will of Council, unless I
don't feel like it."
His compatriot, Timkachu, then
launched an equity attack, which
sources say was "super effective," before saying to the press, "Tim Timka!
Chu. Chuuu." Sources say that Timkachu has evolved to Level 20, which
would allow him to learn the move
"Apologize," but has refused to do so,
as he would have to remove one of
his four attacks, which are currently
"Equity," "Relationship Poison," "Paralyze Council" and "Quick Attack." tl
Thousands pour out of Knoll to aid UN in combat
Surprise
offensive a
turning point
in conflict
SPARKY MCBELLBOY
shortshorts@un-byssey.ca
The battle for control of campus
reached a turning point yesterday as
hundreds of dreadlocked students,
better known as "KnoHies," stormed
out of a hidden commune located in
the Grassy Knoll en masse to join the
UN force, surprising the forces of Stephane Toope and ensuring that Flake
Rhetoric would not only remain the
AMS president, but become Overlord
of UBC.
"Nowyou know the real reason we
fought to save the Knoll," said Trixie
Sparkle in a press release revealing
that students had been living within
the grassy hill, hobbit style, since
2006.
"For years, we have resided there
in solidarity, steadfast in two things:
that UBC resides on stolen native
land, and that one day we would
march forward to free students from
their neoliberal oppressors to ensure
accessible education for all. Now, finally the glorious revolution is upon
us."
The Knoll was formerly thought
to be a simple sod-covered mound
that was only usable for five months
of the year. Its use as a communal
home and revolutionary compound
has been a revelation to many on
campus, who say they now understand why activist students cared for
it so passionately for years.
"I always thought that if I was a
progressive-minded student with a
penchant for protest, I would concern myself with bigger issues than
whether a man-made hill would
be moved 50 metres to the west,"
said former Commerce councilor
Kat Dovsomething, "but now that
I know they live there, it all makes
sense."
Dovsomething then fled the
scene to avoid the groups of roving
revolutionaries that are currently
hunting down Commerce students.
The impact ofthe Knollies during the
UN mission was immediately obvious, as they quickly joined with UN
forces to overwhelm a UBC militia
located at the Sauder School of Business, which would be renamed the
"Noam Chomsky School of Ethical
Anarcho-Syndicalist Labour," with
all curriculum replaced by that Overseer of Truth Timkachu.
The commune within the Knoll
gives credence to the claim that
much of the opposition to the Underground Bus Loop, since scrapped
by UBC, was based on the fact that
it would displace the Knollies from
their home, one of the reasons for
President Rhetoric's impassioned
press release two months ago.
In addition, sources have confirmed that KnollAid 2.0, which
resulted in the arrest of 20 students,
was not a protest bonfire at all, but
simply a case of their heat not working. Furthermore, the odor that
constantly follows their brethren can
be understood due to a shortage of
plumbing within the Knoll.
"The lack of showers has been a
problem," conceded Sparkle, "but
since most shampoos are made by
international capitalists, it wouldn't
have made a difference anyways."
Although many students have
lauded the actions of the Knoll-based
revolutionaries in aiding the toppling of the UBC administration and
making tuition free, some have questioned their motives.
"It is clear that this entire operation by Rhetoric and his Knollies has
been premeditated since before
9/11," said dethroned student senate
chair Jeff CoSoloe.
ANTHONY-GRAPHIC/THE UN-BYSSEY
"They misled the public and
deceived the legislative branch of
government. Rhetoric claims he is
making the world a safer and more
equitable place for all students, but
has he found any weapons of mass
destruction? No! Instead, he just
helps his shadowy cronies while
listening to a clearly mad vice-president. Also, why doesn't anyone ever
listen to me?"
Rhetoric, who has begun to call
himself "The Decider," brushed
aside concerns when asked if he
feared of any backlash from students
over the sudden offensive from the
Knollies and installation of himself
as self-appointed overseer ofthe UBC
region.
"I expect we'll be greeted as liberators," said Rhetoric. vU
■ ■VANTAGE   POINT
Insurrectionists
seek removal of
overseer Flake
Rhetoric
Your traitorous former AMS Student
Council has asked us, your democratically elected Prime Chairperson,
Flake Rhetoric and Minister of Lobbying, Timkachu, to step down as
the self-appointed overseers of The
Truth. Their stance on free tuition,
exhibited by Arts councilor Nailher
and others' armed defiance of what
we think is a good idea, is clearly anti-
revolutionary and anti-democratic.
We never asked the rest of Council
how they felt about tuition, and for
that, we apologize. We didn't realize
that students might be upset. We
were too busy planning a violent
coup of the administration under
a shroud of secrecy. However, let's
change the subject and talk about tuition. Tuition fees are bad, and clearly it must be assumed that student
councils are in favor of 125 per cent
yearly increases at least. Especially
Dijon Ahmadamad. Oh, how I loathe
Dijon. Well, Nailher too. And Jeff
Cosoloe. Actually pretty much all of
them. Even though they are students
like us, it is clear that the rest of the
council actually delights in paying
fees to the university, making them
a crude form of sub-student.
When we were very narrowly
elected to our position a little under a
year ago, it was under a campaign in
which we promised to fight on behalf
of students for lower education costs.
When we were voted into office,
our contempt for the democratic
process and our misunderstanding
of the powers our positions held
were voted in as well. This divine
mandate from the students gives
Rhetoric total right to declare himself
Overseer ofthe region for life, and to
begin the execution of resistors and
former university administrators. If
you do not agree, then you are antidemocratic criminals.
It's important for us to reflect on
why free tuition is so important to
us and so many UBC students. There
was actually a time when students
were unjustly denied their right to
spend an entire decade of their adult
life sheltered from the harrowing private sphere unless they were willing
to pay or take out a loan. Let us not
forget the story of ordinary student
Trixie Sparkle who, despite holding
a part-time job and most certainly
never being an AMS executive, went
$50,000 in debt while pursuing his
second major. Let no one claim that
getting high, protesting the foreign
policy of countries you don't live in,
and occasionally going to class for
eight years is a privilege, not a right!
We understand that for many,
stray bullets and a lack of drinking
water have made this transitional
period very difficult. But do not be
swayed by the insistence of insurrectionist former AMS councilors
to hold a referendum to determine
if students are interested in holding another election this year. Even
though we would surely ignore its
results, such a referendum would
come dangerously close to informing
Rhetoric and I of the sorts of actions
students actually approve of, which
would be the most grievous sort of
anti-democratic treason imaginable.
Chu.Chuu.'S
—Timkachu is the Overseer of Truth 4/UN-BYSSEY.CA/UN NEWS CENTRE/2009.12.10
Map of the Resistance
UWVEfiSITY ENDOWMENT LANDS
THE
UNIVERSITY
OF
BRITISH
COLUMBIA
Vancouver Campus
LEGEND
1 Hake Rhetoric's Office (UN Forces)     6 Campe IKE (UN Refugee camp)
2 Mock Hall (Resistance) 7 Greek Resistance Forces
3 UN Main Camp 8 Student Propaganda Media
4 ERTW Cairn (Engineering Relocation
Resistance) 9 Administration Relocation
5 Blamedrain Smithle Office (In exile)
(UN Forces) 10 Training Centre (Resistance)
11 Captured SLFS + red VW Beetle
12 MASSive HQ (Resistance-RBF
headquarters)
13 Everybody Friendly Farm (UN)
14 Ouchies General Hospital
(Resistance)
15 Black Dot (Resistance)
SIR ROBIN HOOD GRAPHIC/THE UN-BYSSEY
16 Entrance to New Fare Zone
(TransLink)
17 Demarcated Heritage Zone (UN)
18 No "Person's" Land (Unknown)
19 Re-Education Faculty (UN)
20 Quorum Library (Resistance)
The hunt
continues
for President
Toope
ELLE MAGENTA
Contributor
Former UBC President Stephane
Toope, who is wanted to stand trial
for crimes against humanity in the
form of tuition increases, has been
reported missing since the weekend.
He is believed to have fled the campus, along with many school acLmin-
istrators and former members ofthe
AMS, as peacekeeping troops took
occupancy over the weekend.
Freely-Elected President Flake
Rhetoric has condemned Toope's
decision to go into hiding, citing his
own faith in due democratic process
and the justice system. "Stephane
Toope's refusal to submit himself to
be judged by elected officials is reprehensible," said Rhetoric.
"We, as a governing body call for
him to accept responsibility for his
actions and appear before the UN.
Sure, there are some questions of
legality, but that's beside the point.
After all, it's not like he can just go off
and have a good time with his supporters when those he is beholden
to clearly want to have a meeting to
have him explain his actions."
One such group of supporters are
Rebel Board Faction (RBF) members,
who have claimed responsibility for
Toope's disappearance. According
to RBF statements, he was able to escape with the help of a loose band of
guerilla fighters led by former Board
of Governors member Dijon Ahma-
damad. A new Facebook album created by Ahmadamad titled "Winter
Break '09!!! me 'n' the boyz" also
shows Toope posing, drinks in hand,
with members ofthe RBF.
But despite the great risks that
were taken in securing Toope, RBF
leaders say they are willing to negotiate for Toope's return in exchange
for removal of UN peacekeeping
troops from areas they consider part
of their territory.
"We do not condone the UN's persecution of Rightful President Toope,"
wrote Kommander McBellboy in a
statement released only hours ago,
"but will consider returning him to
endowment lands in exchange for
the evacuation of troops from the following areas: Council Chambers, the
Meekison Arts Student Space, and
any 24-hour restaurant on campus.
We have one of those, right? Also,
we would really like some pizza. And
maybe some pho."
Despite ongoing attempts to locate Toope, his whereabouts remain
unknown. His former residence,
Norman Mackenzie House, has been
searched by troops and student volunteers alike, but has revealed no
trace ofthe former president.
"His suits and his toothbrush
are here, so we know he'll have to
come back eventually," said student
at large and local hunt coordinator
Frances Studebakker. "Unfortunately, he took the laptop, but we've been
redistributing many of his ill-gained
possessions to disenfranchised students as bursaries."
Plans are in place to restructure
the House as either a residence for
disabled students, although tipsters
say it is more likely to be used as
an interim jail in the wake of the
RCMP's decision to ally itself with
rebellious factions.
Toope's alleged crimes against
the students of UBC stand in
ironic and horrifying contrast to
his previous contributions towards
international human rights. Before
taking the office as president, Toope
conducted human rights seminars
for government officials in Canada,
Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 5 ■ 2009.12.10/UN-BYSSEY.CA/UN NEWS CENTRE/5
RBF resists Rhetoric's rule
SAMUEL FREUD
louddrunk(?un-bysseyca
A resistance group calling itself the
"Rebel Board Faction" (RBF) has
emerged in opposition to the actions
of Overseer Flake Rhetoric, and have
begun to slowly infiltrate Rhetoric's
forces, thanks to the (in)actions of
one man: Colonel Nailher.
The UN-byssey got an exclusive
tour ofthe secret headquarters ofthe
RBF, hidden deep within the bowels
of the Buchanan prisons. The headquarters are decked with campus
maps and pictures of notorious AMS-
opposition critics, such as UN-byssey
editors and various members of the
university administration.
Nailher, dressed in a long leather
overcoat, a purple sash and bandana,
addressed his fellow soldiers in the
secret confines ofthe MASSive HQ.
"Rhetoric must be stopped!" shouted Nailher. "We have been asked to
mobilize together, but [Rhetoric] has
deceived us! There is now a gaping
hole in the fabric of our society. The
voice of the AMS must be the voice
of students, not just one evil dictator!
All of the evils of history stem from
callous disregard for procedure."
"Back in the good old days, when
we had the resources to pay for our
tuition, we were strong. We were
mobilized. We worked together. Now
what? Rhetoric and his mousey poke-
mon have betrayed our trust, and
have destroyed everything that the
AMS has worked so hard for, including post-secondary lobbying, which
is the most important thing we do."
Nailher told The UN-byssey that
Liberty leading the people, rhys delacroix graphicthe un-byssey
the RBF are attempting a "stealth"
approach. His right-hand man,
Kommander McBeHboy, is currently
executing Operation Quorum.
"We're not quite at the level of
taking forceful action," said McBell-
boy. "Our lack of balls makes it really tough to do anything meaningful,
you know. We spend about 12 hours
a day coming up with motions to by
and halt Rhetoric and [Timkachu]'s
actions."
"Sometimes it's difficult," he continued, stroking his beard and taking
a swig from his stein. "We've lost
several councilors to the Overlord
already. This reduced quorum and
made it difficult to mobilize. We're
not going to stoop to Rhetoric's level!
We want blood, and will do so with
proper procedure and feelings of
good faith!"
The Resistance has already passed
unanimous motions in support
of barring Rhetoric from entering
Brock Hall, the White Sport restaurant and what is now-called Quorum
Library, but they're not stopping
there. Pointing to a map, Nailher outlined the next plan of attack: stealing
pens from Rule Advisor Blamedrain
Smithle's office, co-consiprator of
Rhetoric and Timkachu.
"What? We need writing materials
to write down drafts of new motions,"
said Nailher. "And for sudoku."
After they were informed that
stealing was immoral and could be
construed as illegal, Nailher and the
Resistance backed off of their threat.
The Rebels are working with another guerilla force, the Engineers
Under Seige (EUS). Often seen spilling out of the Engineering Cairn
decked in red bandanas, EUS have
found clever ways to "suspend"
Rhetoric's actions.
"What's our most successful action against Rhetoric?" asked Sir
Andy "Noble" Carnivorous, a dashing knight who saved the UN-byssey
from the perils ofthe Interwebs a few
weeks ago. "We have captured the entire Students Lacking Funds Society
(SLFS) and suspended them from a
bridge in a red Beetle! Furthermore,
we sent a big, juicy steak to Rhetoric's
frontdoor!"
Rhetoric, conforming to stereotype, is a vegetarian.
"We're also working with the
Greeks, but they're usually...out of
commission," said Carnivorous,
making drinking gestures with his
hand.
Overlord Rhetoric is already
aware of these forces. "Damn those
EUS and Rebels!" he proclaimed in
a public address last Friday. "They
will not get away with this. I have
already sent troops to retrieve the
SLFS. These meat-lovers—they must
be stopped." tl
CONTINUED FROM 'HUNT CONTINUES'' ON PAGE 4
He also served as a member of
the UN observer delegation in the
first post-apartheid South African
elections. Perhaps most damning-
ly, Toope chaired the UN Working
Group on Enforced AND/OR Involuntary Disappearances. (Editor's
note: No, really. Check Wikipedia.)
Several known associates of
Toope are also missing, including former VP Students Brigham
0'Hallihan and AMS VP Finance
Thomas Qwerty. In an eerie twist,
Qwerty is said to have disappeared
from his office after refusing to
sign an unread pile of cheques. Administrative staff noticed he was
gone hours later and searched the
building immediately, but were
only able to find a single boating
shoe, size 13.
Overlord Flake Rhetoric has
claimed that if he finds Qwerty,
he will prosecute him for war
crimes, and if found guilty, will
be at the mercy of Timkachu.
Whether 0'Hallihan and Qwerty
are with Toope has not yet been
determined.
Rhetoric remains optimistic
about the prospects of finding
Toope, however.
"We ask every student society
to join us," he said in a speech
on Tuesday, "for we will ask, and
we will need, the help of campus
security forces and obsessive student media reporters around the
province. With your help, we can
bring this to a resolution."
"Whether we bring our misguided former officials to justice,
or bring justice to our misguided
former officials, justice will be
done." til
UNA files human rights
complaint "for peace and quiet"
RCMP, who look disfavorably on the tenants of National Socialism, salute RBF leader McBeHboy. albano the albino photo/the un-byssey
RCMP forges unlikely new alliance
ZEN CHANGE
Contributor
The incursions of the RCMP into
the fraternity houses on campus
has resulted in a history of bad
blood between the students and
law enforcement during the latter
half of the 20th century. Charges
of community disturbance, drug
trafficking and moral turpitude
subjected the impoverished minority group to frequent harassment
by the police. However, the RCMP's
longtime loyalty to Stephane Toope
has opened up new opportunities
for collaboration amongst former
critics.
The position of the Rebel Board
Faction (RBF) has been shaky for
months now on campus and further
declined after the disappearance of
the university administration and
the capture of former dissident AMS
councillors. Since desperate times
call for desperate measures, the RBF
announced an unprecedented alliance with former rivals, the RCMP,
who are not Nazis. In light of their
current circumstances, hopes for a
successful alliance are high on both
sides.
The olive branch was extended
in an invitation from the RBF to the
RCMP under the mantra "My enemy's enemy is my friend." Under
the new alliance, the abuses of fraternity members by RCMP will be forgiven by the RBF, in return for their
cooperation to reinstate the former
university acLministration. The alliance will also allow the Rebels access
to the UNA/UBC border, which the
RCMP currently controls.
Morale is still high for the UN-led
coalition, which has been rapidly
amassing forces to counter the insurgency. While the RCMP has already
taken the measure of distributing
umbrellas to insurgent militants,
doubts have been expressed about
whether opposing UN coalition forces will be able to endure the harsh
Canadian winters as the struggle for
the border intensifies. The UN forces
expect to be equipped in full artic
snow gear by Christmas in preparation for the legendary West Coast
permafrost.
"We're prepared," said the UN
spokesperson Erin Fist, "The RCMP
on their horses with their beaver
hats, brandishing their hockey sticks
and chainsaws, don't know what's
coming to them. This is not just a
human rights intervention, this is a
war on terrorism. University sounds
awfully scary to the majority of the
International community." vi
STEVEN CHIWAWA
schiwawa(?un-bysseyca
UN HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK,
NY, USA—The provinces of Hampton,
Hawthorn, Chancellor and Wesbrook
Place, alongside with East Campus,
which now collectively comprise the
Irate Residents Associations Neighborhood (IRAN,) formerly known
as the University Neighborhoods
Association (UNA,) have filed an official human rights complaint to the
United Nations regarding the ongoing noise present in the University
of BC. Mikahmoud Feelmydinejad
addressed the General Assembly of
the UN and presented his country's
grievances regarding the noise hostilities taking place in UBC.
"All we want to do is play backgammon!" screamed an infuriated
Feelmydinejad, "but these new imperialist infidels are so loud and obnoxious, that it makes it marginally
more difficult to concentrate!"
After a fit of screaming, crying
and sobbing, a red-eyed and sweat-
drenched Feelmydinejad concluded
his speech; "the state of UBC can be
regarded as nothing more than a
stinking corpse."
The UN General Assembly responded to Feelmydinejad's remarks
with grunts, blank stares, and the
occasional squawk. The Assembly
then concluded the hearing with the
following statement: "Given that we
have already put sanctions on Arts
County Fair; there is nothing more
we can do."
The Security Council was willing to
hear Feelmydinejad's mental breakdown, but said that in exchange for
further UN sanctions against UBC, a
commission be formed to investigate
activities in IRAN to ensure that residents were able to play backgammon,
listen to smooth jazz, and feel a sense
of undeserved entitlement in peace
and quiet.
"We will accept an amended version of this proposal that stipulates
students have no right to exist on
these lands," Feelmydinejad said.
When asked to describe the
overall Security Council reaction
to Feelmydinejad's statement, the
French dignitary remarked, "I think
the USA representative was picking
his nose; he does that when he is
frustrated. Then he and the guy from
the UK started flicking something at
Feelmydinejad. As Feelmydinejad
was talking, I think I saw something
fly right into his mouth. He didn't
seem to notice it."
When pressed for reactions of the
rest of the Council, the dignitary stated, "The guy from China didn't hear
a thing; he was playing on his Nintendo DS. The guy from Russia? Well
he's been drinking vodka for hours;
he's totally out of it. As for me, when
this kind of thing happens, I start
sweating profusely and begin wiping
myself with this white handkerchief.
Wait, is that tape recorder on?"
For his part, Feelmydinejad was
still steadfast in his belief that the level of nosie was unacceptable. "These
imperialist infidels must be held
accountable for our inability to play
backgammon in peace! The marginally increased amount of noise hostility being directed at our beautiful
republic must be stopped immediately! The noise hostilities that now
come in the form of tanks, surface-to-
air missiles, and automatic gunfire
almost equal the grievances we had
with the Arts County Fair!". tl
COMMON DECIBEL LEVELS
40 DB: Quiet room
60 DB: Conversation,
dishwasher
90 DB: F-35 Fighter, additional
9 db at takeoff
115 DB: Nike Zeus Missile
Launcher
150 DB: .410 Bore 28" barrel
shotgun
170 DB: 30-06 Centerfire rifle
170 DB: Non-lethal interference
grenade at 5 ft.   8/UN-BYSSEY.CA/UN NEWS CENTRE/2009.12.10
Rebels succeed in fending off invasion
Wreck Beach assault
thwarted by nudist/rebel
alliance and stairs
CoSoloe exhibited valour unlike any we have witnessed thus far in the leaders ofthe
Rebel Alliance. For this we salute him. albano the albino photos/the un-byssey
SWOONY MCOHBOY
fanguurlz(?un-bysseyca
Battle update: at 4:15am yesterday
morning the United Nations task
force attempted a naval assault on
Wreck Beach to dislodge militant
insurrectionists, known as the Rebel
Board Faction. Due to the efforts of
the dashing charismatic and chiselled General Jeff CoSoloe, former student senate chair, the attackers didn't
make it any further than the second
flight of stairs. Embedded journalist
Swoony McOhBoy reports from the
scene.
It is early. The first rays of sunlight
are beginning to appear in the cold
morning air. Eschewing his usual
lopsided boyish grin for an ominous
grimace, General CoSoloe says, "I've
got a bad feeling about this."
The other rebels are more optimistic. In a touching and poignant
move, the rebel factions have
teamed up with the native population of Wreck Beach, a simple tribe
of wizened and weathered nudists,
brown from the long hours spent
baking in the sun.
The tribe has diverted their creative talents from their usual hiding
of illicit substances to the construction of elaborate booby-traps that
will be set off should a United Nations AT-ST walk exactly under one.
"Did you know that you have to
keep LSD cold?" says one tribesman
when asked how he feels about the
expected assault. "It's true. Or else it
will degrade. We used to make a lot
of acid here in the 70s."
The atmosphere is tense. I ask
CoSoloe how he feels about fighting
the president of the AMS and the
UN. His reply is, "Look, I ain't in
this for your rebellion, and I'm not
in it for you, princess. I expect to be
well paid. I'm in it for the money,"
before making a number of snide
comments about Timkachu, and
how he was right along.
5:42am—-The battle has begun. The
initial forces of the UN advance
more quickly than expected. Many
nudists are captured. I tell CoSoloe
that the odds of winning the exchange at this point are 10,000 to
one, and we should retreat.
"Never tell me the odds," he
replies.
7:17am—The battle takes an unexpected upturn. UN forces have been
stopped by the arduous journey up
the Wreck Beach Stairs, and are being picked off one by one.
8:23am—The battle is won, with
the majority of UN forces lying immobile on the staircase. Amongst
the groans of the terminally weary,
one can hear phrases such as, "Goddamn, why don't they just put in a
gondola?" and, "Shouldn't they have
built the university closer to the
water?"
Says one rebel, "I never thought I
would have been thankful for those
stairs."
Adds one nudist, "I'm glad they
never found the secret escalator that
leads directly into SUB."
9:14am—It is time for me to file my
story. General CoSoloe stops in.
"You like me because I'm a scoundrel," says CoSoloe. "There aren't
enough scoundrels in your life."
"I happen to like nice men," I
reply.
"I'm a nice man."
Well, maybe in another galaxy,
CoSoloe. til
Plant Ops workers operate as mercenaries in time of trouble
RYAN BRANTTT
Contributor
Disturbing reports are emerging
in relation to the recent wave of
student injuries around campus.
It seems that the mysterious Plant
Operations crew, long thought to
be marginal players on the university scene, have finally taken some
initiative and are now operating as
soldiers of fortune. A spokesperson
for Plant Ops confirmed that Flake
Rhetoric has enlisted their services
to run down insurrectionists with
their vehicles.
In the absence of President Stephane Toope and the university
administration, the former collective
agreement with Plant Ops is now essentially worthless. It would seem
that transferable personal days and
modest scheduled wage increases
cannot compete with cold, hard cash
in these turbulent times.
The Plant Ops spokesperson declined to say exactly how much Rhetoric was paying for their services but
noted that it was "significant." It is
difficult to say where Rhetoric and
his cronies secured their funding. It
is possible that he clipped into the
controversial President's Fund.
Regardless, the reality ofthe situation is dire. Second-year Commerce
student Johnny Lee narrowly escaped an encounter with a Plant Ops
hired gun late Tuesday afternoon. He
was walking along West Mall when
an electric vehicle attempted to mow
him down. Fortunately Lee was able
to jog up a gentle slope, outrunning
the vehicle. He managed to escape
with his life, but his calves are still
quite sore. "I'm a Sauder student,
our classes are all in one building.
I'm not used to this kind of exercise,"
Lee explained.
The mow-downs by both electric
and gas-powered vehicles, although
dramatic, are only a small part of the
story. By and large, the majority of
the militia's exploits involve standing around in a menacing fashion.
Soldiers can be found standing in
small groups leaning against pick-up
trucks, telling off-colour jokes near
almost any flowerbed on campus.
There is one ray of sunshine in
this otherwise stormy situation. As
soldiers of fortune the Plant Ops
militia has no allegiance to any particular regime—only the almighty
dollar. From their base of operations at the Tim Horton's on Main
Mall, any student can engage their
services, provided that they can be
pried away from their coffee and
newspapers long enough to come to
an agreement.
Nonetheless, student groups have
been slow to hire the rnilitia. Ironically enough, they seem to be even
less organized than Rhetoric and his
Knollee gang. The Commerce Undergraduate Society is currently in talks
with Plant Ops for a comprehensive
protection package for Sauder students. The Board of Directors approved the expenditure unanimously
at their general meeting last night. "It
only makes sense," said one insider.
"If all the Commerce students are
dead, who would pay $200 to go to
our conferences?"
A similar motion was brought
forward at the Engineering Undergraduate Society meeting but the
discussion broke down five or six Pilsners in when the executive council
couldn't remember what the issue
was.'SJ
Plant Ops mercenaries hitch a ride on
top of one of their
gas-powered convoys,
moving swiftly and
without warning
across campus in the
aid of any who will
pay their fees.
ALBANO THE ALBINO
PHOTOS/THE UN-BYSSEY Ways to have fun
in a war zone
Need a break from exams? Running from bombs not
good enough for you? Try these fun wartime games to
alleviate that PTSDI
NOT DYING WHILE WALKING
Despite international treaties banning land
mine use, students are being blown up left and
right. Play this game any time you're bored
and walking! Even after the war ends, this will
be great fun for years to come.
2009.12.10/UN-BYSSEY.CA/USO   CULTURE   INITIATIVE/9
THE NAME GAME
REMEMBER FOOD
Oh no! The war has come and you can't eat.
Well, did the war take your imaginations, too?
If 12:00 is reminding you of when we still had
lunchtime, imagine up a good ol' Pit hamburger. On second thought, don't.
Search through the piles of dead for a student
card. The next player has to find a card with a
first name that starts with the last letter of the
previous corpse's surname. Game continues
until you've rummaged through the whole pile!
USO Culture Initiative
//
USO Culture Initiative Editors: Kate the Barbarian & Trevor Trevor
//
Where to find potable
water on campus
Find wartime water supplies
across campus from the SUB
to Southlands
Chancellor Place
Grand Fountain
of Imposing
Doom.
SUB main floor, drinking
fountains of dubious repute
Drink at own risk.
SUB top floor. Courtyard
Fountain of Oppulence
Irving K Barber Library
Square Fountain of Learning
Abstract Nekkid Dancin
Lady Fountain at Koerner's.
First Nations Longhouse
Waterfall of Mystery
Nitobe Gardens
lakes, rivers, streams:
Protected by a low
fence and a squadron
of docents, this water
is the cleanest on
campus.
Asian Centre Koi Pond:
The water may be
brown, but it's definitely
drinkable.
Cheeze Factory
Dunk Tank: Good for
replenishing your dwindling
canteen on the great trek
south to Farm and freedom.
Botanical Gardens
streams.
Hawthorn Place Fountain
of Everlasting Youth and
Monies. If you drink from
this, you will live forever
in a UNA wonderland of
wealth.
USO brings culture to UBC
Army entertainment organization provides
events that finally connect with students
TREVOR TREVOR
hebrewlust@un-byssey.ca
"Hey, I hear you guys have pretty
good pot here in Vancouver," comedian Dane Cook said to uproarious
applause. "Heh, I thought that it was
foggy during the limo ride over, but I
rolled down the window and I think I
got baked. By the way, I like smoking
pot and Vancouver."
Cook, along with fellow comedians Carlos Mencia and Russell
Peters, performed at Thunderbird
Stadium last Saturday. The show, put
on by the United Service Organizations (USO) for 20,000 UN-backed
coalition troops, unexpectedly had
40,000 student attendees, all of
whom were desperate for entertainment of a non-student government
scandal vareity. Additional entertainment for the night included a performance by country music singer
Winona Judd and a routine by the
Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, whose
mere presence at UBC led half the T
Birds cheerleader team to quit with
tears in their eyes.
"I was so stoked when I found out
that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders
were coming to campus," said Applied Sciences student Jacob Freed-
man. "Have you seen those girls?
They're hot. It seems like absolutely
nothing even remotely interesting
ever happens on campus. I'm so
glad the USO finally came in to spice
things up."
The five-hour show was initially
attended exclusively by members of
the UN Coalition Force. However, as
the show went on, students flocked to
Thunderbird Stadium, attempting to
"If these groups have
little or no ability to
connect with UBC
students, it is of little
concern to us."
—Liz Mildred
hop the fence or sneak in by impersonating coalition troops. Eventually,
the USO decided that it was unfair
to exclude students from the night's
exciting performances.
"At first we were worried that
troops might resent the USO allowing students into the audience," said
USO Stage Manager Liz Mildred. "But
once Carlos Mencia did his hilarious
routine, I knew it was a crime not to
let those eager young people in."
Some have complained that the
USO is an exclusive "populist entertainment" club. Spandy Crystoball,
co-president ofthe UBC Improv team,
says he was disappointed his organization was excluded in the USO show.
"I offered my club's services as
a warm-up act before [the USO's]
main show," said Crystoball, "But
they told me that they are only interested in performers that have some
level of celebrity, or at least name
recognition, amongst troops. Then
they suggested that if students have
no interest in our brand of comedy,
we should try switching to scripted
routines."
Members of the Players Club,
Gilbert & Sullivan Society, as well
as countless UBC music and theatre
students and several student bands
have argued that UBC already has a
diverse range of cultural mediums
designed to entertain students.
"The USO is not attempting to
subvert the efforts of on-campus cultural organizations," said Mildred. "If
these groups have little or no ability
to connect with UBC students, it is of
little concern to us. I'd suggest that
they work on their acts, get better PR
people or consider focusing on their
majors." tl
An adorable little boy from the USO entertainment selection, gogle photo/the un-byssey 10/UN-BYSSEY.CA/USO CULTURE INITATIVE/2009.12.10
A UN soldier and his sophisticaed "lady friend" offset the trashy nature of the sports-watching clientele at campus den of sin, Koerner's. albano the albino photo/the un-byssey
Campus pubs degenerate into pits of sin
The Pit becomes a delightful alternative to Koerner's
"WILD" SERENA BILLS
Contributor
It is rumored that something dark
has descended upon campus watering holes since the arrival of the
UN-backed human rights mission
to UBC. Once wholesome gathering
places for seekers of knowledge,
completely non-sexual camaraderie
and the occasional libation have
recently undergone a suspicious
change. Where there was once genial talk of politics, study and the
odd gathering to take in a game of
hockey, there is now rampant profanity, inexplicable nudity and the
ritualistic gathering to vandalize the
faces of those who have succumbed
to a drunken stupor.
The cause of these mysterious
changes remain unconfirmed, although UN officials deny that the
introduction of 20,000 peacekeeping soldiers to campus has had
any impact. Sources point to the
combination of broadcast contact
sports, a hockey team that is "a cruel,
cruel mistress" and the recent rise
in popularity of a drink dubbed the
'Jagerbomb."
"I blame the sports, particularly,"
says fourth-year student Amanda Hil-
dencroft. "They shouldn't be allowed
to show them here. You should see
the way it riles everyone up. Last
time there was a game on, people
stood up to applaud a goal on an
empty net and booed a guy for scoring a goal."
Indeed, that night, ominously
dubbed "The Night of Wellwood,"
remains in the memory of many
on campus. The ensuing riots were
swift and extreme, resulting in four
headbuttings, 16 swirlies, multiple
drawings of genitalia on the faces of
those too weak to defend themselves
and more public and unsolicited nudity than has ever been experienced
on campus.
"That was a pretty rough night,"
admits Sauder student Bill Jervais.
"I had to give a presentation for
my Econ class with a pair of boobs
permanent markered to my face. It
didn't come off for a week and my
grandparents were visiting and..."
Here our interview was interrupted by several minutes of crying
in the fetal position, until he choked
out, "I can't talk about it anymore."
The music playing at these
watering holes was riddled with
expletives and euphemisms for
non-missionary sexual activity. To this filth, young men and
women were dancing with more
than   moderate   pelvic   contact.
Food was thrown to the floor as
means of disposal, and I observed
more than one instance of induced vomiting for the purpose
of imbibing more alcohol during
my investigation. I was shocked,
readers. Shocked and dismayed.
The calming presence of UN
troops accompanied by sophisticated ladies in thigh-high boots
provided little comfort.
To leave this article on a high
note, however, I should point out the
delightful time I had at the Pit Pub.
Entertainment was offered by means
of a sprightly jazz-flautist and the clientele was vastly improved. I spent a
lovely night discussing the merits of
Monty Python with some extremely
amusing and well-mannered Engineering alumni, for whom I bought a
round of finely-aged port. So perhaps
there is hope after all. \T|
War zone meal guide: cooking with rations
SAMUEL FREUD
louddrunk(?>un-bysseyca
Hard times mean little food, and
we've got to make do with what we
have. Your weekly rations can get
dull if you don't know how to spice
them up. We offer you our favourite
recipes, just like Mommy UN used to
make.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT
bacon and ham lOOg
butter 50g
cheese 50g
margarine lOOg
cooking fat lOOg
milk 1800ml
sugar 2 2 5g
preserves 450g
tea50g
coffee 50g
3 eggs once a week, if available
dried eggs, 1 pack per month
chocolate 3 5 Og
2 potatoes
3 biscuits
BAKED POTATO
1 potato
2 Og butter
Cut a slit in the potato and wrap in
some leaves. Roast over an open
fire until ready. Slather with butter.
Nom nom nom. Not enough butter? Try combing some grease out
of your hair. Or stealing some from
your tent-mate. Hair-grease, that is—
they've probably eaten their butter
already.
PIG IN A BLANKET
50g bacon
1 biscuit
Submerge your biscuit in a bowl
of warm water to soften it to a non-
toothshattering consistency. While the
biscuit soaks, cook your bacon. You
will need to fashion a pan of some
sort. Try using a fallen soldier's metal
helmet Once your biscuit has softened
sufficiently—expect this to take an hour
to an hour and a half—poke a hole in
the center and insert the bacon. Soggy
and flavorless, perhaps, but it's edible
and has calories, so that's probably the
best you can hope for.
ONE EGG OMELETTE
legg
30g cheese
25g cooking fat
30g bacon
20ml milk
Whisk the egg and milk in a bowl. Heat
a skillet with a little bit of cooking fat
and pour in the mixture. After cooking for a few minutes, add cheese and
bacon to one half of the egg. Fold over
the egg, and flip to cook the other side
once cooked. Eat as is. No salt or pepper? Try adding some groundspice.
You can get it from the ground.
CHOCOLATE MILK
lOOg chocolate
300ml milk
Ah, reminds you ofthe good old days,
doesn't it? Melt the chocolate over
the fire in a pot. Pour into milk, stir,
and enjoy.
CAKE
This recipe requires that you steal
some flour from the UN camp,
since those jerks don't seem to give
you any. Or grind up your biscuits...
they're probably too stale to be edible
anyway. If you can do that, then you
can bake a cake!
legg
300ml milk
2 cups flour
lOOg sugar
preserves
Mix all ingredients, except preserves,
into a bowl. Pour into a pan (or helmet) and bake over a fire until done.
Spread preserves on top with a little
bit of sugar. Enjoy the sinking feeling
of having wasted all your staples on
a cake. XI
Business
booming at
The Delhi
Dwindling
food supplies
bring in large
crowds
TARANNOSAURUS PHOTO/THE UN-BYSSEY
EKATERINA REGRGICTATION
ggghg(?un-bysseyca
As tuition refugees and commuter
students continue to fill the SUB,
food supplies have reached an unprecedented low. As a result, The
Delhi has turned into a dangerous
marketplace.
Hunger across campus has
brought untamed masses of students
to the AMS food supplier, popular
for its tiny, five-star meals. The
Delhi is the last resort of famished
young academics, who are willing
to barter school supplies, clothing
and their bodies for butter chicken
wraps. They have even gone as far
as to break into the glass food cases,
which are to soon be replaced by bulletproof steel containers.
Delhi owner Suave Tarvardan
said that business has skyrocketed,
despite the threat of what he calls a
"stomach flu." AMS Food Services
has tragically become overrun with
E. coll "Now, on average, 65 per
cent of all Delhi meals contain mass
amounts of E. coli, an increase from
the usual 45 per cent," said Master's
Biology student Fleur McSmarty.
"Our business has gone up 300
per cent since before the United Nations came," Tarvardan said. "E. colV.
Students don't care. I'd say that they
are even becoming immune to it."
In a observational study, The
UN-byssey has concluded that the
busiest time for The Delhi is 3pm on
Friday, where everything—whether
biohazardous or only slightly contaminated—goes on sale.
This has caused students to
swarm the food outlet like ravished
animals, grabbing whatever soggy
sandwiches and salads they can get.
"Seriously, you have to grab whatever you can," said Science student
Mitchell Famisher, carrying two
nanaimo bars, a cup of butternut
squash soup, four pasta salads, three
special Delhi wraps, three chicken fa-
jitas and a package of crackers. "This
load is enough to last me for a week."
"My technique? I use my small
stature to my advantage," said Commerce student Sandy Dehydrate,
demonstrating her ability to sneak
between crowds to reach items on
the lowest shelf.
Tarvardan is not worried about
business letting up, even though The
Academic Probation, a sushi place located right near The Delhi, threatens
business as it too has seen increased
sales and competitively high E.coli
levels, til I/I
2009.12.10/UN-BYSSEY.CA/RADICAL OPINIONS/11
"At UBC, we are all equal. However, some of us are
more equal than others. Like me and Timkachu."
)\ —Overlord Flake Rhetoric
Radical Opinions
RADICAL   SEX
TOO DESPERATE
Greetings children of the Revolution,
As you're hunkered down in your
bunkers, we hope you'll take a moment to enjoy our humble missive.
See, at Too Desperate it goes without
saying that we believe in communication (as we write this, dead horses
everywhere wince in anticipation of
a sound thrashing, much to the glee
of sadistic zoo-necrophiliacs). But although it goes without saying, we're
gonna say it again in response to our
letter this week. Especially now, in
our ideologjcaHy-divided Flake-run
world, honesty and talk (not to mention antagonistic attraction) can truly
heal a ton of divides. It's this that we
address to you, oh dearest readers,
in this issue.
I AM THRD-YEAR FEMALE RESISTANCE
fighter here at UBC and I find myself
noticing lots of Plant Operations
mercenaries who are, to borrow a
phrase, too sexy!
What is the protocol for asking
out these men (they are not the little
boys I see in all my classes). I know
they are at work so I cannot expect
them to flirt with me, but I do not
want to seem easy and flirt with
them...unless I have no other choice!
I also know they are Flake's agents
and can't be trusted, but something
about their white vans just makes me
so hot.
What should I do, Too Desperate;
—Bob Brown
Hey Bob Brown,
First of all, Bob, we'd like to commend you for being so honest and
open in your letter. We truly value all
the real letters we get; it takes a lot
of guts to be vulnerable to the public,
especially as a transgendered individual. You don't even use a pseudonym! Kudos. We hope you bring the
same bravery and integrity to your
work with the resistance.
We also definitely understand
your predilection for white vans
and electrical cables. Many a cold
wartime night we ourselves have
kept warm beside the open panels
of electrical generators, collecting
intelligence on the movements of
just those silent white vans, all the
while, fantasizing about what goes
on inside. Hot stuff, no doubt.
As to your question, while you
may be sleeping with the enemy
(literally), if you establish liaisons
with these men, we see nothing
wrong with that. As long as you and
your Flake-supporting sex partners
are all on the same page, a little
hostility won't hurt. Angry sex is
hot. Just make sure to communicate clearly and openly about your
feelings. Honesty is key to even the
most oppositional relationships.
As for the approach, we're sure a
judicious "What time do you finish
propping up the oppressive regime
today? We should get a drink!" will
suffice.
OUR CAMPUS IS SUFFERING and it's
time for us to be the change we want
to see in the world. Too long have we
suffered under an oppressive system
of global tyranny, wherein post-
secondary sex is only available at heinously high prices. When it is affordable, it is too hard to access for most
students. Don't we have a universal,
KASHA BANG
S> AUSTIN BONE
toodesperate@un-byssey.ca
innate right to get laid? It is with this
in mind that I have begun drafting
a letter to the UN occupation forces,
demanding that all sexual services
be made completely free and accessible to all students. Are you with me,
Too Desperate?
—People Require Easier Sex
HeyPRES,
Although we do believe that sex
is priceless and should usually be
free, we also respect that everyone
who provides a service also carries with them the right to refuse
that service given certain circumstances. Specifically those circumstances where the provider is a big,
greedy whore and you're a scrub
with no money. Try the barter system maybe. It's the foundation of
capitalism, and a pretty good idea
to boot. You see, PRES, the rarity
of intimacy is exactly what gives it
its...umm...intimacy. Share something special with those you care
about (or those with great breasts,
who smell like countries you've
tried to forget) on an ad hoc basis,
and don't try to deprive those who
depend on sex for their livelihood.
Like the administration whores. Or
us.
Anyway, that's all for this Christmas
season, folks. Watch out for bullets
and have a happy holiday. And if you
can manage to find an internet connection anywhere in this war zone,
we hope you'll use the opportunity to
send us your letters at toodesperate®
un-byssey.ca. You can also use our
online submission form, available at
un-byssey.ca/ideas. tl
ILETTERS
RHETORIC WILL FIGHT TO
PROTECT US ROM
INTERNATIONAL CAPITALISM
To all of those who are saying that
they're embarrassed that Hake
Rhetoric has brought a war to UBC,
I would ask, what have you done to
fight international capitalism lately?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I would think that, as socially conscious and intelligent "future leaders
of the world," students would gladly
lend their hand to anything that
fights that all-pervading and controlling monster that is international
capitalism. If they don't, they are
obviously trust-fund babies who hate
the disabled and are controlled by
Colonel Nailher.
Frankly, I've never been more embarrassed to be associated with such
a cowardly and unenlightened group.
What has happened to student activism today when a democratically
elected president can be criticized
for initiating and facilitating an invasion and declaring himself overlord
of a region? Do people not realize
that when you are elected, it means
you can do whatever your personal
beliefs are? Not to mention that this
invasion is obviously just a media
stunt to draw attention to the real
fight that's at hand.
Writing letters is no longer good
enough. If we want to see anything
done, we have to do it with a gun.
And for those who criticize Flake for
having the invasion under the cover
of the night: what, would you have
such a visionary hampered by boring
undemocratic pacifists?
—Emmy Monologues
PS. I am also highly offended that
The UN-byssey would allow other
people to comment who don't know
as much as I do. What is journalism coming to in this country when
people can say whatever they want in
a public forum?
NOW IS THE TIME FOR COUNCIL
TO ACT AGAINST RHETORIC
As an AMS councilor, I am, by definition, a very serious person. And
I have seriously considered over
the past several weeks whether our
president has crossed the line in his
actions. This is has been difficult, as
I am a AMS councilor, and by definition, it is difficult for me to show
any backbone. I trusted Rhetoric for
many, many months, even after it became apparent that he had difficulty
having conversations with people
he didn't personally agree with. But
after his outrageous press release
that criticized Stephane Toope, and
a motion came up to censure Rhetoric, I did the only reasonable thing: I
trusted him one last time.
I trusted him because I felt to
censure him would weaken our
society, and send a message to
UBC that we were divided. Which
is ironic in retrospect, because that
very day Rhetoric sent the human
rights complaint to the United Nations. Oops.
However, after hearing about
that, I consulted with students, saw
that thousands were demanding his
resignation, and did the only thing
I could: Clumsily organize a coup
of the AMS leadership without ever
realizing if what I was doing was
actually legal. Turned out, it wasn't!
Good thing we spent another $6000
of your money to find that out at the
last second, eh?
In any case, I digress. Suffice to
say, after Frederick's recent actions
of supporting the UN force that has
invaded UBC, and his alleged involv-
ment in the disappearance of Thomas Qwerty and Stephane Toope, it
is clear that Council must finally,
unequivocably put its foot down,
once and for all. Perhaps through a
strongly worded memo.
I'd like to repeat once again:
Rhetoric and Timkachu have crossed
a line in their actions and will be punished for it...unless at the last second
I get cold feet about it. But seriously,
their time just may be close to coming to something approximating an
ending.
—Taharrible Bhatty
Send your letters to
bigmouth@un-byssey.cd We
probably won't run them.
Unless you hate the same
people we hate, of course
RECORD MELANSON GRAPHIC/THE UN-BYSSEY
EDITORIAL
Come back, Cowboy—
UBC needs you
Overlord Hake Rhetoric continues to solidify his dominion over the UBC
campus. Smell the blood. Barring a change of heart from Rhetoric and Timkachu, we're stuck with them as our leaders. So now what?
Although this takeover has raised the level of student-engagment, it's
also exposed the seedy underbelly of student politics. The way Council has
conducted itself has put supporters of Rhetoric and Timkachu up in arms,
understandably.
The way Rhetoric and Timkachu have taken over UBC has been good
news for the thousands of students who voted for the two of them. These students care about lower tuition, greater inclusiveness and building a student
society that is not afraid to be vocal and violent in fighting for what it believes
in. Let's be honest: one stupid press release was not worth an attempted
impeachment. However, after Rhetoric and Timkachu's refusal to meet with
Council and apologize two weeks ago, any chance of reconciliation was lost.
Rhetoric and Timkachu would no longer put up with Council. We're not sure
they took the right course of action, what with the death tolls increasing daily,
but it is an ugly situation, and there are no easy solutions.
But who should really be the top dog, the new president? In our eyes,
there is one pole-dancing man who is right for the job: former AMS President Mikey "The Pink Cowboy" Drunkan.
In a brief phone call before he was taken captive by Rhetoric, Cowboy told
The UN-byssey that he voted against impeachment, and that he would not
put his name forward directly, but if Council nominated him to be interim
president, he would stand.
But that was then, and this is now. The world as we know it has changed.
It's a shame. Cowboy has been the most successful and popular president in
recent memory. He got athletic fees lowered. He oversaw a successful referendum for a new SUB. He held his ground during two major political crises
(LougheedGate and KnollAid) that saw the AMS come together, not apart.
Council, ifyou're still out there, what are you waiting for? Find the Pink
Cowboy. Save him. Save us all. vl
Dude, where's my pen?
You know what's really annoying? Not having pens. The UN-byssey all
agreed, when desperately trying to come up with a second editorial idea at
noon the day this paper was laid out, that we all hate running out of pens.
This happens pretty often because we're a newspaper, so we use pens a lot.
Most people just toss them aside, wherever, and they fall on the floor and
stuff, and that can make them harder to find.
Our office is really cluttered, lots of paper and wires and flies, and so it
can be really hard to find all the small things. Hey, that's a Blink-182 song.
Awesome. We at The UN-byssey think they're the greatest band on the planet.
Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home!
So back to pens. They're pretty useful because they can be used for writing. We need to write to proof our pages, which is like editing sort of. And
it seems like there aren't many places on campus where you can buy new
pens, although we're not going to bother to sit down and figure out how
many pen retailers are actually operating on campus.
In conclusion, we here at The UN-byssey hate it when we lose our pens. It
totally fucking blows, hard. Almost as much as when we have one good idea
for an editorial, but it doesn't take up the entire page, so we have to write
another one, like almost 300 words, but not quite because the other one is
pretty long. All right, that should do it. tl 12/UN-BYSSEY.CA/UN COALITION OF SPORTS/2009.12.10
THUNDERBIRDS
CURRENT
STANDINGS
HOCKEY
WOMEN: 4-1 WIN OVER NORMY
MEN: 0-21 LOSS TO SWEDEN
BASKETBALL
WOMEN: 65-6/ WIN OVER ARGENTINA
MEN: 95-6/ WIN OVER HAITI
FOOTBALL
NO. THE FOOTBALL TEAM LOST
AGAINST EVERY COUNTRY THEY
PLAYED EVEN THE LITTLE OICS
YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF. SO WE'RE
JUST GOING TO SKIP THIS PART.
UN Coalition of Sports
UN Coalition of Sports Editor: Sparky McBeHboy
Athletics gets international competition by
joining UN force
Is the switch just a ploy to
eventually join the NCAA?
ENDOF SHUNDO
Contributor
The UBC Athletics Department has
broken ranks with UBC, joining the
United Nations coalition in a move
that experts believe will increase the
T-Birds' chances of joining the NCAA.
"We've always maintained that
student athletes should receive unlimited scholarships," said Athletic
Director Robert Pip-pip yesterday,
as he watched a group of 300-pound
offensive linemen from the football
team destroy yet another building.
"Frankly, free tuition accomplishes
that goal much faster, so I'm happy
to ally myself with the UN force."
Lourie Blackhead, volleyball
player and president of the Thunderbird Athletic Council, said that most
Varsity athletes have enthusiastically
joined the UN force primarily because they actually had UBC students
cheer on their actions in person.
"Yesterday, as I used my skills to
halt an advance of the Rebel Board
Faction, more than ten students
cheered me on—at the same time!"
she enthused. "I've always wanted
to feel as though students cared
about what I did, and by joining the
cause for free tuition, I definitely
have students on my side for the
first time."
However, skeptics believe that
Athletics' support ofthe UN is simply
a way for the program to move to the
NCAA without UBC's approval.
"It's fairly simple," said Nelly
Yawnson, the sixth most attractive
male political journalist on campus.
"Aligning themselves with the UN
will allow UBC to face international
competition, which is a step towards
the NCAA. This fact is right, because I
believe it to be so."
Sparky McBeHboy, the second
most attractive male political journalist on campus, agreed. "If UBC won't
join the NCAA, then Athletics will
find some other way to get involved.
Backing an international force and
orchestrating a violent coup of the
university would seem to be a perfect
strategy. Suck on that, Yawnson."
However, Phalix Blowheed, the
most attractive male political journalist on campus, believes that the
entire endeavour is irrelevant.
"It's a proven fact that no one will
care about UBC Athletics, no matter
what they do. Students care about
sports on this campus with the exact
opposite amount of passion that I
have for the Math Club or tight pants.
I'm so terribly lonely." vl
This isn't an actual game. It's
more of an analysis story of
something that happened, so
really, this should be called
"Extra Facts," or something like
that, except sexy...But sadly,
this sidebox had already been
created for this area, and a
certain editor was much too
lazy to do anything about it...
He figured if people called him
on it, he would simply point out
how the rest of the page was
just as meta.
Sticks have been replaced with guns for the CIS Championship women's field hockey team, albano the albino photo/the un-byssey
■■"TASTY, TASTY BIRD DROPPINGS." "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY THAT?" "BECAUSE I CAN, KATE."
Cheerleaders and Women's rugby switch places
KANDY GINGER LOLLIPOP
omgabunny(?>un-bysseyca
The thing you'd imagine about rugby
girls is that they're extremely large,
mean looking and not very nice. In
reality, they're kind of like cheerleaders, only bigger. They do pretty much
the same things.
Granted, cheerleaders don't actually chase after a ball; they really
wouldn't want to ruin that brand new
set of acrylic nails that gives them excuse to make those manly hunks to
run errands for them.
But they both do lifts; the cheerleaders make pretty human pyramids, and the rugby girls do their
props. They both pay hundreds of
dollars a year in fees to continue to
perform at an activity they love to
compete in. And even by the stan
dards of UBC Athletics, they both get
no attention.
So this semester, the coaches
from both teams thought it would
be an interesting social experiments
for the girls to swap teams for ayear.
Cheerleading Coach Sue Salvator
thinks it would be a great learning
experience.
"The cheerleaders and rugby girls
don't ever mix together, even though
they have very similar routines and
do pretty much the same thing. It
shouldn't be too hard."
Despite everyone's high spirits, it
hasn't been a smooth ride. With the
cheerleading uniforms ranging from
a size 0 to a size 2, none of them fit
the rugby girls. New orders had to
be made, which has cost the cheerleading team quite a sum of money.
"$ 12,000, to be exact," Salvator says,
with a little wariness in her voice.
On the other side, the cheerleaders are finding it hard to break from
their routine. Head rugby Coach
Charlie Tressie is still hopeful about
the outcome. "They're having their
first game in two weeks...They're
mostly a size 1, so we're having problems forming the scrum half, but
we're working on it." Another problem was how whenever a girl catches
the ball, the rest of the girls would
break from their field positions and
break into uninspiring cheers.
With one semester down and
another one to go, it seems that both
teams are going to return to their
original sports. "It's not as fun as the
movies make it out to be," said one
cheerleader-turned-rugby-player.
"Being bitchy is actually really tiring!" ta
INTERVIEW WITH KANDY GINGER LOLLIPOP
THE UN-BYSSEY: So, Kandy, did
you play rugby?
KANDY GINGER LOLLIPOP Ohm
ygod I did!!!!!!!!!! And people were
tackling me and had a uniform
and everything! But then I had to
play a game and then I saw them
all getting hurt and was like holy
shit! No way am I going to do that.
Hahahahahaha!
U: But didn't you pay $300 dollars in fees and cleats to join this
game? That seems like a waste
of money...
K: Noooo!!! I can tap dance with
the cleats on pavement!
U: I see. Moving on—
K: Did you watch Glee last night?
U: No, I-
K: I love Glee!!!! We should all form
a glee club! And a band! And join
PETA! I love them! No wait, I love
burritos.
U: So, to summarize. Women's
rugby and cheerleading: The
differences?
K: The girls in cheerleading are
super nice, but I like the rugby
girls more, because they can drink
more and are fierce! tl

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