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The Ubyssey Dec 1, 2006

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Array theSjubyssey
Vol.LXXXVIH   N°25	
You may have contracted Herpes of
the breast, slut. Page 3
% *
Adult style. Coming soon to your
local CUS.
Page 5
Dare ya to sue! since 1918
Friday, 1 December, 2006
Real Campus Plans exposed—straight out of
President Doope's desk.
Page 3
Jiibyssey unbiased, unbiased study says
A sociological study has been recently
released stating that the Jiibyssey newspaper
is far less susceptible to bias than other university newspapers in Canada. Specifically,
in response to attacks by Palestinian advocacy groups, it was found that above all, the
Jiibyssey does not have a pro-Israeli stance.
"We've  decided to take  pro-active—not
pro-Israeli—initiative in this matter to settle
this ongoing controversy," said Jiibyssey Coordinating Editor Szabbo Skeeto. "Instead of
constantly bickering back and forth every
year, we took it upon ourselves to put the
issue in the trusty hands of social science."
The study, conducted by the Zionism 4-
Evah Association, was hired by Skeeto to
examine the staff and previous publications
of the newspaper as a means of determining
its level of bias for or against Israeli advocacy.
"Heck, who knows Israeli bias better than
Zionists?" Szkeeto asked. "If any organisation
is equipped to detect it, it's the Zionism 4-
Evah Association. I was more than confident
that they would do the job and do it right."
The study has created a maelstrom of controversy by groups who claim that the study
is "fucking insane."
"That's like hiring blind people to detect
blindness. Or stupid people to find stupid-
ness," said Nuaje Musak, the spokesperson
for the UBC student advocacy group,
Palestinians Rock! "It just doesn't work.
Szabbo Skeeto is a retard."
When confronted with the possibility that
saying "retard" on the record might be offensive, Musak responded, "How would you
know?     Are you  retarded?     Because  by
Skeeto's logic, you would have to be."
The results of the study have indicated
that not only is the Jiibyssey unbiased, it in
fact has a "negative amount of Israeli bias,"
meaning that if it intends to truly show an
even perspective, it needs to explicitly
increase its level of Israeli issue advocacy.
"The newspaper is far less Israeo-centric
than it should be," said Zionism 4-Evah
spokesperson Josh Bergstein. "We're trying
to help to even the scales, not tilt them. The
only way to make sure the Jiibyssey has a
see "Best Name Ever"page 2.
Campus Skeeter shoots
President Doope in the face
by Szabo Skeeto
The Campus Skeeter has struck again.
But this time it was UBC President
Stephen Doope who was victimised during
the Campus Skeeter's latest rampage, as
attacks from the recalcitrant skeeter have
surged three-fold over the past week.
Sources say that while Doope was in the
Irving K. Barber Centre gazing at the murals
of Mothra Pipper and the rest of UBC's past
presidents, he heard someone above him
from the rails in the stairwell shout: "Skeet
skeet, mutha fucka, skeet, skeet."
"It was like Hurricane Katrina, his face
was inundated with a heavy stream of
skeet," said Catherine Quaaludes, a UBC
librarian. "I've never seen any man take so
much skeet in the face with such noble
restraint. May God be with him."
An eyewitness to the incident, Kim
Berger, a fourth-year philosophy student,
recounted the incident.
"It was like
Hurricane Katrina,
his face was
inundated with a
heavy stream of
HURRICANE KATRINA: Doope gets skeet skeet skeeted, mutha fucka. skyboat photo
-Catherine Quaaludes,
UBC librarian
"It was a horrific sight. It was like
I was reliving 9/11 all over again," she
said. "Seeing our President in so much
discomfort is a stain I'll never be
able to remove from my life."
UBC Officials said that Doope has been a
little rattled from the Campus Skeeter's
most recent attack and would keep him
overnight in the hospital for observation.
UBC Public Affairs Director Scott
McDredle said that Doope is doing well and
has suffered nothing more than a damaged
ego. "[He is] a little traumatised, but I
believe most of the damage has been
"Nothing a hot towel couldn't solve," he
The RCMP said that they are on the lookout for the culprit but will not be taking any
measures to heighten security as they don't
see the Campus Skeeter as a viable threat.
"If we hear or people contact us [that]
this guy is around campus we'll choke the
campus and squeeze him out," said RCMP
Sergeant Dan Wenter. "But there's nothing
we can do in the interim."
"There are a lot of things that happen on
campus that you never hear about and we
never hear about," he said. "The campus is
so big you can't be on every corner for
Not much is known about the motivations of the Campus Skeeter, except that he
does have a distinct pattern.
He sits and waits patiently in bathrooms
until someone comes around. As soon as a
person is near he moves into the area near
them, sticking his genitals covertly above
the person until he is able to skeet on his
In an exclusive interview with the
Jiibyssey the Campus Skeeter explained his
feelings for the most recent attack.
see "Skeet Skeet"page 2.
by Dick Dickless
Representatives from UBC Straight are outraged with the "blatant homosexism" displayed by this year's Gay Matters Society
(Gay-MS) Executive Committee.
"It's appalling," said Christine Welsh, a
member of UBC Straight. "When we elected
the current Gay-MS Executive I had no idea
that more than half of them would display
such antiquated homosexist attitudes."
"When we elected
the current gay-ms
Executive I had no
idea that more than
half of them would
display such antiquated homosexist
-Christine Welsh
UBC Straight
"I actually campaigned for [VP External]
Iain Bitpillow," added Welsh, who admitted
that she wasn't aware of Bitpillow's homosexism when she worked on his campaign.
But Welsh is adamant that UBC Straight is
not taking contention with the Gay-MS
Executive's sexual orientations.
"Homosexism not just about sex," said
Welsh. "Take [VP Academic] Heff Friedrock
for example...he's not homosexist himself,
but because all his friends are, he's pretty
much 'homosexist by association.'"
When approached for comment,
Friedrock denied Welsh's accusations.
"Everyone on the [Gay-MS] Executive is open-
minded. I've never seen homosexist attitudes
displayed at any Gay-MS meetings."
see "Homos"page 2.
Friday, 1 December, 2006   THE JUBYSSEY
Students outraged over Gay-MS
Executive's "homosexist attitudes"
BUTT SEX: Is the gAyMS' sexuality fucking students over? oc photo
But Welsh disagreed with
Friedrock's assertion.
"At the October 11 Gay-MS
Council Meeting, President Keevin
Gallstone announced that it was
National Coming Out Day," said
Welsh. "It doesn't get any more
blatantly homosexist than that."
"I've never felt out
of place in the
gAyMS Executive. No
one has ever
expressed any prejudice towards me
because of my sexual
-Sophie Hack
Non-homosexist Gay-MS
VP Finance
According to the meeting minutes Gallstone followed up his
announcement, saying "I think
that's great."
When asked directly about
Gallstone's comments, Friedrock
said, "That was just Keevin's way
of being proud. He wasn't trying to
offend anybody. He definitely wasn't being homosexist"
Gallstone was unavailable for
comment, as he was busy working
on his Swing Kids routine.
Sophie Hack, cited by Welsh as
the only member of the Gay-MS
Executive, who "isn't a raving
homosexist," defended her fellow
"I've never felt out of place in
the AMS Executive," she said. "No
one has ever expressed any prejudice towards me because of my
sexual orientation."
But according to an unnamed
source, who may or may not sit on
the UBC Board of Governors, Hack
has had experience with homosexism herself.
Earlier this year, Hack was
engaged to last year's Gay-MS
President Spanker Keys. Keys then
ended the relationship to pursue a
homosexual relationship with his
former debate partner, Steve
Hack refused to comment
on her relationship with Keys,
saying "I'm really busy right
now taking the aluminum foil off
my walls." £)
"Skeet Skeet"continued from page 1.
-Kim Berger,
Fourth year
Philosophy student
"Oh, snap-skeet," he said.
"Skate, skate skeet. Skeet, skeet
He wouldn't comment on
the motivations for his actions,
"Skeet, skeet mutha fucka," he
While most of the interview
remained inaudible because of his
unintelligible rhetoric, he did say,
however, that he was in no way
related to the Campus Peeper. £)
Best Name Ever"continued from page 1.
clear, grounded perspective is
to weigh it down properly with
the universal common sense of
the Zionist agenda."
To address this issue, Skeeto
has decided, by the suggestion
of the association, to change the
newspaper flag from the
Ubyssey, an arguably neutral
and hegemonic name, to the
"I feel better that we solved
this problem with solid science," Szkeeto said. "Some
might argue that perhaps someone with some actual background in sociology should have
been in charge of this, but hey, if
my seven years in philosophy
has taught me anything, it's
that...uh, wait, what was I saying
again?" ©
Relationship Break-Up
Second Coming of Christ
Totem Park
SUB Ballroom
December 1,11pm
December 5, approx. 1pm
Amy and Jonathon,who
There is a lot of hype for this
have been going out since
event, so be sure to get your
they got drunk at Wreck
tickets early.Tickets at
Beach and made out on
Ticketmaster. Students,
stairs, have reached a break
seniors $5. Sinners FREE.
ing point. Expect tears,
screams,and appearances
by local friends.This event is
Sorority Slip-N-Slide
open to the public.
Grassy Knoll
December 4, l-3pm
Orgy in Claudia's
Bring your wallet and your
camera phone.Topless girls
4439 Venables
from (Alpha Sigma Sigma)
December 2,6pm
will be sliding through the
B.Y.O.T & D. (Bring your own
snow in cut-off shorts to
Trojans and dildos).Cum early,
raise money for children
leave late. If this is your first
with sexual disorders.
time to the event, held annual
ly, then feel free to bring a
friend. All are welcome.
ANXIETY? Depression? FREE Mental
Wellness Self-Help Support Group
held biweekly on Saturdays (10:30
am — 12:30). Social support nerwork,
Interactive learning experience in a safe,
non-judgmental environment. For more
information call 604-630-6865.
Celebrating Fidel's birthday and the 50th
anniversary of the landing of the Granma
with food, film, music and dancing. Sat
Dec 2, 6:30pm at the Unitarian Church
of Vancouver, (49th Ave at Oak St), www.
canemic services
English speaker! E5L, English (speaking,
writing, grammar). Sciences, Liberal
Arts. Editing (Masters and PhD theses,
papers, books). Elizabeth 7783222151
(SMS only), ccherina99@hocmajl.com,
Downtown swim wear store seeks
permanent part-time sales person. Some
weekend and evening shifts. Resumes
to 190-840 Howe St. V6Z 2L2 or bc@
j ustswi mwear.com
^_^ UBC Film Society
(\f\ f SINCE 1935
December movies
7:00 The Devil Wears Prada
9:30 Crank
7:00 The Covenant
9:30 The Wicker Man
a Big Brother. Spend a few hours a week
biking, hiking, and being a buddy to a
cool kid. Call 604-876-2447 ext. 246 or
I Icalthy? Non-obese? Not using birth
control pills? Want to learn about
your bone density and diet? If so you
are invited to participate! Procedures
completed at study entry, and 6 months
& 2 yts later. You will receive a $30 gift
certificate for each phase completed.
Contact Jennifer at jbedfordC^interchange.
ubc.ca or at 604-616-4676 for more info.
HONEY FOR SALE. 10,003 bears
can't be wrong. Ask Winnie the Pooh.
Grand Forks light and Dark Honey,
honeycombs, pollen, candles, wax,
giftpacks, for sale on University Blvd,
across from University Golf Club.
Tuesday, Friday, llam-5pm.
CAMPUS. Cost S500 per room per
monrh. Tel: 604-224-4812.
Screenings @ Norm Theatre in SUB
Admission: S3.50 (non-members) $2.00 (members)
Membership: S10 (students)
For more info, coll 604 822 3697 or visit www.oms.ubc.ca/clubs/filmsoc
LESSONS. Wage negotiable. Living in
Kits. Call Bindy 604-329-8542.
Looking for a roommateP
Got something to sell?
Or just have an announcement
to make?
If you are a student, you can
place classifieds for FREE!
For more information,
visit Room 23 in
theSUB [basement]
or call 822-1654.
Friday, 1 December, 2006
southern mariner Mary Leighton
office slut Jesse Marchand
nanaimo bound Carolynne Burkholder
news@ubyssey.be. ca
Remaining Hotties
coordinating@ubyssey.be. ca
the news editor Colleen Tang
news@ubyssey.be. ca
Hezbollah pledge Jesse Ferreras
culture@ubyssey.be. ca
skeet shooter HeMan (aka Steve)
sports@ubyssey.be. ca
s&m conniosseur Momoko Price
okerbot Timothy Skyboat
photos@ubyssey.be. ca
Champagne Choquer
pro duction@ ubyssey bc.ca
ira member Andrew MacRae
feedback@ubyssey.be. ca
hunter/gatherer Jewkesmaster
webmaster@ubyssey.be. ca
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University
of British Columbia. It is published every Tuesday and Friday
by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous,
democratically run student organisation, and all students are
encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They
are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily
reflect the views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the
University of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in
The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein
cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission
of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press
(CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include
your phone number, student number and signature (not for
publication) as well as your year and faculty with all submissions.
ID will be checked when submissions are dropped off at the
editorial office of The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done
by phone. "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but
under 750 words and are run according to space."Freestyles" are
opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be
given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is
time sensitive. Opinion pieces will not be run until the identity of
the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey reserves the right to edit
submissions for length and clarity. All letters must be received by
12 noon the day before intended publication. Letters received after
this point will be published in the following issue unlessthere is an
urgent time restriciton or other matter deemed relevant by the
Ubyssey staff
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising
that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an
advertisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the
UPS will not be greater than the price paid for the ad.The UPS
shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors
that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
Room 24, Student Union Building
SI 38 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BCV6T1Z1
tel: 604-822-2301
fax: 604-822-9279
web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca
e-mail: feedback@ubysseybc.ca
Room 23, Student Union Building
advertising: 604-822-1654
business office: 604-822-6681
fax: 604-822-1658
e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.be.ca
business manager Fernie Pereira
ad sales Cynthia Zhao
ad design Shalene Takara
Thank-you to: Sarah-Nelle Jackson,George Prior, Fidel
Castro,Mary Leighton, Eric Szeto,Collen Tang,Sun Tzu,
Carolynne Burkholder,Various Norse gods,Jesse Ferreras,
Boris Korby, Boris Yeltsin, Momoko Price, Dr. Gonzo, Oker
Chen, Champagne Choquer, Jack Daniels, Jesse Marchand,
Andrew MacRae,Mathew Jewkes,Victor Liang, Eric
Wallace-Derring, Raoul Duke, Patty Comaeu, Bradon
Adams, Paul Bucci, Boutros Boutros Ghali,and Simon
Underwood for your support and satirizing.
editorial graphic Mychael B-rodizzle
University      Canada Post Sales Agreement
Number 0040878022 THE TUBYSSEY   Friday, 1 December, 2006
Breast Herpes outbreak religiously induced
LOOK AT THEM HERPS: These are Clappia Lee's breasts, or "titties" and they are infested with breast herpes, skyboat photo
by Sarah Shocker
Students across campus have covered up in recent weeks and it is
not because of the weather conditions. An outbreak in breast herpes
causing red and itchy spots across
the mammary and nipple areas of
UBC students is likely related to a
campus-wide abstinence movement initiated by the Chinese
Catholic Society (CCS).
In an attempt to desist students from "going all the way"
prior to marriage and reduce the
number of abortions on campus,
the Chinese Catholic Society
launched the "Pearl Necklace
Campaign" last week.
According to many victims of the
outbreak, there is an uncanny correlation between the recent onset of
breast herpes and the receiving of
pearl necklaces in which copious
amounts of genital to breast contact
is required.
Nurse Debbie, the in-Rez nurse,
has reported several dozens of
female students awkwardly pulling
her aside to reveal ta-tas covered
completely in inflamed, itchy welts.
"I mean, when I was in school
we all did it, but I have never seen
such terrible repercussions," she
said after the examination of one
particularly promiscuous student.
The "Pearl Necklace", as
Chinese Catholic Society president
Sukhi Wang describes it, is "a way
to share intimacy—it just happens
to be on a girl's boobs rather than,
say, in her mouth."
"In addition to promoting
abstinence, we really wanted to
break down the stereotype that
Catholic girls only do it in the
butt," said Wang, "we also take
shots to the chest."
CCS students banded together to
expand the necklace campaign to
involve all of UBC by starting with
the Greek community as a means of
getting the word out
"To be honest, we were quite surprised that this took off as widely as
it did," said CCS member Ling
Magdalene, "but many Frat guys
were really interested when we
approached them with the idea and
it just exploded from there."
As many female students have
now contracted the herpes virus on
their breasts, the cause of the disease itself has not yet been identified but many have their suspicions
that the involvement of the fraternities may have aided in the rapid
spread of the virus.
Harry Hardwood, a member of
the Sigma Theta Duckta fraternity
noted that the new campaign has
helped out his sex life. "I mean, it's
obviously not as good as going all
the way, but at least with pearl neck
laces there's no pregnancy scares."
When asked to comment on
the rise in breast herpes on campus, Hardwood denied any connection between "pearl necklaces"
and contractions of the virus in
female students. "I doubt that anyone got titty herpes from this. I
know I've never had herpes. The
closest I've come is this painful
rash I have on my balls."
Clappia Lee, a student with
breast herpes who wished to
remain nameless said, "I thought
that having someone cum on my
tits would be harmless. I guess I
was wrong."
To ensure that more students
don't contract this unsightly virus,
Nurse Debbie advised, "These girls
have to be more careful. It is easy to
get lazy and have someone finish on
your chest, but the key to prevention
of such infections is to clean in
between [sex acts]." ©
Triple recycling effort to sustain sustainability
by Andjew McKracken
Demonstrating a disturbing devotion to efficiency, UBC has
announced that funding for three
programs will be nearly severed
and the remains of those programs
will be combined into a mega-efficient conglomerate.
New plastic pens, made from
recycled ones, were discovered by
UBC Engineering student Scroe
Turn to be ideal cases for robots.
Consequently, with the little funding still invested in the recycled
pens program, Turn was able to
cheaply stamp cases out of plastic
for three cents a unit.
Fulfilling a promise he made to
keep the University under budget,
UBC President Stephen Doope
announced that the current Plant
Ops funding will be cut and staffing
"rearranged" in order to take
advantage of the new robots that
will do the exact same jobs as the
staff and replace their vehicles at
the same time. "The major priorities in this move are sustainability
priorities. Does it go far enough? Of
course not..but it is a step in a pos
itive direction," he said in a phone
The Goldyn Key Dishonour
Society has volunteered to supply
the fuel for the robots. UBC Vice-
President of students, Shaggy
Dawg, explained that the society
represented too good a fuel source
to pass up. "The sustainability of it
all is amazing," he added, "because
of their overall premium status, you
get more Goldyn Key student per
kilometre than any other student on
Sustainability was key to the
decision to use soylent green made
from students on campus, Dawg
said. "It would not be a sustainable
and efficient project if we didn'tuse
students from the campus and sustainability is what counts."
Not all students are happy with
the proposed cuts and program
merging. Third-year English
major, and member of the Goldyn
Key Society, Harry Crack suggested that what was really needed
was a renewable resource that
was not students.
Dawg responded that the
University already has too many
students  and  considering how
ROBOTS: Beware of the effects of sustainability. mckracken photo
University admission standards
and fees are rising exponentially,
the selection of high quality students will expand the University
to new heights.
Crack could not be reached for
reply because he was powering a
leaf-blowing robot on Main Mall.
Another student, Jointe Blasin,
voiced concerns that the new measures resembled oppression of basic
rights. "Removing the elite from
anywhere is oppression.  I don't
care if it's in the name of sustainability, it has to stop," she said.
"But sustainability is what
matters," Dawg insisted.
"Sustainability is what keeps us
safe and keeps us human.
Especially when sustainability is
fueled by humans. Can't get
more human than human fuel.
Unless we started using pregnant
students, since they're humans
inside humans. But that would
obviously be unethical." ©
UBC-O tops
Macleans Special
Needs Issue
by Bleedy McNeedy
The University of British Columbia's
Okanaggin (UBC-O) campus has topped
Maclean's latest 'University Rankings: the
Special Needs Edition' for the second
straight year.
This is great news for a school whose
enrolment and research investment numbers have steadily declined since its inception in 2004.
"We won, bitches!" said UBC President
Steven Doope. "UBC-O is the neediest"
"We're the best crappy special school in
the country," he said.
"This will definitely mask the fact
UBC ranked so poorly in the regular
Maclean's University rankings; hence
why it was given the boot this year."
Although UBC and 19 other universities pulled out of the Maclean's
University issue earlier this year, UBC
officials said that UBC-O would still participate in the Special Needs Edition. "It
needs it. Bad," said Maclean's Editor
Ken Black.
Of the 27,000 people surveyed,
Maclean's ranked UBC-O highest in its
Neediest Reputation category and the
Neediest Leaders of Tomorrow category.
UBC studentjames Shabadoo summed it
up best: "That school sucks. They'll definitely be having some special needs
once they hit the real world."
UBC-O also finished near the top in
the Most Innovative Needs Category,
devoted to teaching its students in the
simplest manner.
Black cited the ingenuity involved in
developing their math techniques.
"Using old tennis balls to demonstrate
how adding two single balls together make
two? Brilliant," said Black. "That's what
made UBC-O needs truly incredible. And
why they ranked the highest. After all, this
is what special needs is all about. They're
going to need all the help they can get."
Officials, still basking in the glory of
their first-place finish, said that their
move to lower the bar has paid major dividends for the institution.
"I'd hate to admit it, but by lowering
standards at our Okanaggin campus,
we've come out on top," said Brain
Mullivan, VP students.
Mullivan recounted the lack of attention they have paid UBC-O and how
they've exiled their faculty, staff and student rejects.
"Now that I look at it, it's becoming
more apparent. We've treated UBC-O
like our retarded sibling or something
since it began."
Critics, however, claim that UBC is
cheating for those high rankings. They say
UBC-O has marketed the school as a less
functional, less-fulfilling institution, aimed
at giving its students half of what they
would learn at the UBC-V school.
"They strive to be mediocre. All those
buzzwords and initiatives UBC endorses
are a farce," said Barry Downs, an education critic for the NDP. "Succeeding there
is like shooting quadriplegics at a wheelchair convention."
"UBC lives and dies by the words
'accountability,' 'trek 2010,' 'sustainability,' 'global citizen,' he said. "UBC-
O, in contrast, is a strong proponent of
'discretionary accountability,' 'home-
care trekking 2490,' 'environmentally
unsound sustainability,' and "arbitrary
global citizen."
Doris Borby, a UBC-O student said that
this was the best school she has ever
attended. "They pampered me from the
moment I got here. It's been great. When
I go to the bathroom, they are there helping me. When I can't do my homework,
they finish it for me. When I want to eat
they bib me and feed me like I'm eating
an airplane." © News
Friday, 1 December, 2006   THE TUBYSSEY
Campus   &   Community   Planning
Public Open House
You are invited to attend a public open house to view and comment on
development permit application DP 06028: Henry Angus Building addition and
renovations, on the site labeled "Subject Property' on the location map below. The
proposed expansion and renovations includes a new four-storey addition and
connecting atrium on the west side of the Henry Angus Classroom Block.
Svwig Space
Date:       Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Time:        11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.
Place:       Room 109, Henry Angus Building
2053 Main Mall
For directions to Henry Angus, please visit: www.maps.ubc.ca. More development
application information is on the Campus & Community Planning (C&CP) website:
H Questions: Caroline Eldridge, Land Use Planner, C & CP e-mail: caroline.eldridge@ubc.ca
L   This event is wheelchair accessible. For more information about assistance for
O" persons with disabilities, e-mail rachel.wiersma@ubc.ca
"Tackling Drunk Bitches" frat gene exposed
Passionate About
Computer Science?
The David R. Chcriton School of Computer Science at the University of Waterloo invites application for graduate studies. We are looking for candidates who are passionate about computer science,
enjoy problem solving, have creative minds and would
like to be paid to study. We are now accepting applications for graduate studies starting in Fall 2007. To
ensure full consideration, please submit your application by December 15. More information can be found
at http://www.cs.uwaterloo.ea/grad/admissions/.
In Fall 2005, David Cheriton, Waterloo Alumnus (PhD 78) now professor at Stanford University
and named one of Forbes Magazine's top ten venture
capitalists (2005), donated $25 million to Waterloo's
School of Computer Science to establish an endowment, the interest of which is used to fund graduate
scholarships, research chairs and faculty fellowships.
Apply for graduate studies in computer science at the University of Waterloo and you will
be automatically considered for one of the 40
to 75 new David R. Cheriton Graduate Scholarships awarded annually and valued between
$10,000 and $20,000 (in addition to regular
funding and other scholarships).
Waterloo's David R. Cheriton School of Computer
Science is one of the world's pioneers in computing research and education. Active areas of research include
algorithms and complexity, artificial intelligence, bioin-
formatics. computer graphics, databases and text management, networks and distributed systems, programming languages, scientific: computing, software engineering, computer algebra and symbolic computation,
computational statistics, cryptography, security and
privacy, formal methods, health informatics, human-
computer interaction and user interfaces, information
retrieval, and quantum computing.
University of
by Wangy W
Researchers from UBC in conjunction with other international
experts have accidentally stumbled
upon the gene for "tackling drunk
bitches" (TDB) in club-hopping frat
"This confirms the hypotheses
of our other studies that have
attempted to find the link between
overtly aggressive young males
who prey on inebriated and vulnerable females, and environments
with loud music, alcoholic beverages and loose morals."
The gene, previously a cultural
and scientific myth popularised by
the movie The 40 Year-Old Virgin,
was a fluke discovery during the
preliminary analysis of human
chromosome 36 and the cobalamin
synthetase gene of the common
chimpanzee. The results of the
study were published in the
November issue of Science.
"Really, we were looking to map
part of the chimp genome, in an
attempt to better understand what
makes human DNA so distinct
from other mammals, and it was
through sheer luck that we came
across this gem of a finding," said
Chris Connors, associate professor
of zoology and lead author of the
TDB project.
With the news of the TDB gene,
various fraternities have found yet
another excuse to hold an outdoor
beer garden in the middle of
"Whoa. I always knew there was
something in me that made me
gravitate towards [them drunk
bitches]," said Chadricke Weimar, a
second-year sociology major and
Delta Tau Chi member.
But some of the girlfriends of
fraternity members are less than
amused at the scientific breakthrough.
"And he told me it was cause I
had the prettiest hair in the room,"
said Lindsay Messy, a third-year
commerce student who met her
current boyfriend in a keg lineup at
a Alpha Kappa Zebra toga party.
"We are very excited. We are
going to shift gears and focus our
time and energy to further this discovery. Identifying [the TDB gene]
allows us to now develop methods
towards curtailing reckless and forgettable moments that end in short,
unsatisfactory and awkward sex
and having the leather upholstery
of dad's BMW covered in puke,"
said Petter Jorgensen, ecology and
evolutionary biology professor at
Lund University in Sweden and one
of the partners involved in the original chimp study.
"Designated drivers and sober
girlfriends alike can now rejoice
in the possibility that their nights
can be spent more wisely and less
on keeping a watchful eye and
pulling their drunken mates away
from jerks and socially-inept college guys," he added.
Connors and his team at the
Michael Smith Laboratories will
soon embark on a pilot study,
which will involve members of the
UBC chapters of Alpha Sigma
Sigma and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,
in hopes of finding the genes for
other supposed fraternity traits,
such as obsessive-compulsive beer
drinking and inveterate sandal
"Once we're done, this will help
shed light on various pertinent
questions of human evolution,
such as 'why do nice guys finish
last?' and 'it's been two days, how
come he won't call me back?'" said
Connors. ©
Quebec students shocked
by international status
by Paul Gayson
UBC Quebecois students have mixed
feelings towards their new status as
international students and minorities, sources say.
The changes come as a result of
a recent policy change by the federal government that deemed
Quebec a "nation within a united
Canada," a motion that has been
interpreted to its extremes by the
UBC administration.
Political science student
Stephane Voisine said she was
confused about the federal government's intentions when it voted
overwhelmingly in favour of
recognising Quebec as a nation.
He claims that students are now
taking the brunt of the government's
inability to recognise that "nation"
has a different meaning in French
than in English, and their stupidity
for not inquiring as to such an important question.
"I go to 'ze Brock Hall and 'zey
tell me zat my too-ee-shun is over
ten tau-zend dollars," he said. "So I
say to 'im, Tabernacle! And 'zen I
go find job in Alberta, 'zo I was
told 'zey were no longer tay-king
Kay-beck-ers because 'zey were not
ob-lee-gated to."
The academic community at UBC
has mostly reacted with indifference
to the changes on a practical level,
but theoretically they are up in arms.
Mychael Byers, political science
professor, was asked to comment for
the story, but his academic rambling
carried on so long that the tape ran
out of space before he said anything
remotely useful or significant.
"What's important to recognise,"
he said, "is that the Quebecois have a
long history dating back to the 18th
century, when Jacques Cartier and
Samuel de Champlain made their
way up the St Lawrence River..." and
so he carried on long after this
reporter cared to listen anymore.
Some of the most profound
effects, however, were felt in the
department of film studies. Clark
Marris, professor of Canadian cinema, was found in a jubilant mood
in his office destroying a videocas-
sette of the film Les Boys and flipping the bird to a poster for Jesus
de Montreal.
"There's only so many times you
can watch a film produced by Rock
Demers," said Marris. "This separation is most certainly going to make it
easier on my thumbs now that I
won't have to switch to English subtitles anymore."
Meanwhile, Quebecois students
have been adjusting uneasily to the
new arrangement. They are now
forced to carry passports to hockey
games between the Canucks and the
Canadiens and are gradually becoming accustomed to single-language
labels on soup cans.
"Somehow I do not 'zink 'zis is
what we wan-ted," said Voisine.
"Thanks a lot, Parti Quebecois." ©
Seinfeld bolsters
UBC s plan
by Sue Dinim
UBC's failing "What's the Plan?"
campaign received a major boost
Wednesday when Jerry Seinfeld,
star of television's Seinfeld, was
brought on board to increase the
visibility of the University's campus planning input sessions. The
campaign has been rebranded as
the "What's the Deal?" campaign,
utilising Seinfeld's catchprase.
"I think Seinfeld is the perfect
spokesperson for UBC campus
planning," said El Potchicken,
President and CEO of UBC
Properties Trust. "He's funny, inoffensive and he was most popular in
the 1990s, when this consultation
should have taken place."
Seinfeld wasted no time with
his campaign, performing a half-
hour lunchtime standup set in the
Norm Theatre yesterday.
"What's the deal with the temporary bus loop? Could those line-ups
get any longer? Soon we're going to
have to take buses to get to the
buses," Seinfeld said to a silent,
laughter-less auditorium.
Michael Richards, who played
Kramer on Seinfeld, was scheduled
to be a part of the campaign, but
withdrew due to personal reasons.
"I'm really busted up about
this," said Richards in a statement. "I had worked out great bit
about the Empire pool and all
those damned immigrants. I'm
really sorry."    ©  Friday, 1 December, 2006    THE TUBYSSEY
THE TUBYSSEY   Friday, 1 December, 2006
Doope's Campus Conspiracy Exposed!
It was late on Friday night when the Jiibyssey stormed into the presidential office
of Stephen J. Doope while he was hospitalised from the skeet-asination attempt
and in a moment of journalistic excellency discovered this: the real motivation
behind all the construction, all the controversy and all the buzzwords. They might
say it's because of 'commuter campuses' or 'sustainability' or 'academic excellence. But we now know what this is really about: Steve Doope and his madman
plans. Our reaction? Looks to us like Doope's got one hell of a party planned.®
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Top ten myths about fraternities
and sororities—dispelled by a frat boy
by Nick Tatopolopoulopoulopolous
1) Nobody cares about fiats.
Absolutely not true. This is only true for anyone
who dislikes buttoned-down striped shirts, aviators, jagerbombs, doing push-ups over candles,
playing naked paintball whilst being sprayed with
a hose in the freezing cold, crawling through dusty
hallways with goat skeletons on the walls. In this
case, 98.8 per cent of the UBC population.
2) Frats make up stupid,  offensive Facebook
Only partially true. Fraternity members may be
responsible for the groups "Target: Iran,"
"Western Separatists of UBC," and "I am a One
Man Gong Show." They shouldn't feel bad, however. Rez kids are responsible for "Coalition Against
UBC Satan Squirrels," "I Want to be Jack Bauer"
and groups that fawn over residence life managers. So while the fraternity ones are offensive,
but they're not as stupid.
3) Fraternities and sororities do nothing by drink
and party.
Not true. Between centurions, Bora Bora, AA
meetings, beer gardens, "Booty Camp," Manbot
rallies, sitting in the drunk tank, waiting in line at
the Pit, drunken formals, hangovers, toga parties,
boatracers, beer pong, and hitting the bong...oh,
who are we kidding, really.
4) The GayMS has a secret committee conspiring
against fraternities and sororities.
Not true. Those "pinko commie fucktards" are
too busy talking during the hours and hours it takes
to complete a biweekly meeting and get through discussions on inane and irrelevant subjects.
5) All sorority girls only wear Lululemon gear.
Absolutely not true. Some of them settle for
cheaper imitations like TNA.
6) All fraternities are like the movies Animal House
and Old School.
Only partially true, and not specific to the
Greeks. The GayMS also has members who never
graduate, hang out long beyond their welcome and
spend a little too much time holding their hair
back as they upchuck into toilet bowls. The latter
are the ones who've realised how irrelevant their
jobs really are.
7) Greeks do not like non-Greeks.
They just don't like the ones who criticise them,
joke about them, don't rush or don't take bids. So
basically you, you non-Greek. You will know how
they feel by their angry stares they shoot at you in
the Pit. So perhaps there is a little bit of truth in that.
8) If I join a fraternity my grades will slip.
Absolutely untrue. Behind every Lacoste-shirt
wearing, cheap beer-drinking partyboy, there's a
nerdlinger who can construct bra-bombs and six-
valve beer bongs whose grades do just fine.
9) You buy your friends through a fraternity.
Not specific to fraternities. You also buy your
rez friends through paying rent, and you can buy
your university friends by paying tuition. It's all
the same, really.
10) Fraternities and sororities are not spiritual or
Totally untrue. Fraternities and sororities
streamline loads of young men and women into
Church on Tuesday nights for AA meetings. @
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though, the
Ubyssey is
hiring for the
You have till the
end of today to
for details
Copy Editor
News Editor
Coordinator  THE TUBYSSEY   Friday, 1 December, 2006
I'm gonna
fucking kill you
by Jenna S.Tactlesse
Review of 'The Eagle has landed'
(as printed on page 8)
Now sucking everywhere
Two words: Puh-leeze. That was the
worst review ever. Ever. Did you take
Critical Studies in Theatre or
Theatrical Butt-Kissing? Well, this has
gone on for far too long and I can't
take it anymore—I'm blowing your
cover. Maybe then you'll stop blowing smoke up my ass.
You didn't even see the play last
night. I know; I followed you home
from the office after work. Yeah,
that's right, I'll admit it. Think you
can keep bringing me flowers and
telling me you're too busy to go out
and that I'll just sniff em, smile and
play the fool? Well, fuck you, too. I
tailed your cheap-ass Tercel all the
way back to his place, and I know
what you're into, you sick degenerate. I couldn't even sleep last night,
after watching you and him and them
do those things.
We're through. If you think you
can just keep jerking me around to
be your stand-in wife whenever we
need to have dinner with your parents, you've got another thing coming. I'm not going to be Little Miss
Moron keeping your dinner warm
for you while you cruise around at
night with your little boy-toy snorting
all my hard-earned cash up your
nose. I can't believe I ever agreed to
get a joint bank account with you.
I don't care anymore. If I'm going
to be fired writing this, I'm taking you
down with me. You never go see anything you review. You take your tickets and scalp them, and then buy
drugs and head to those Plushie parties on the outskirts of town. And the
fact that you cover your tracks by
writing those vapid, brown-nosing
pieces that are no better than what
Frasier Crane might write about
opera makes you only a hair more
respectable than the idiots who read
them and don't bother to call you on
your bullshit Just a tip: you can't say
that National Lampoon's Dumpster
Divin' 7 and Atom Egoyan's The
Sweet Hereafter are both 'works of
unprecedented creative genius.'
That's inconsistent. Jesus, you'd
think all the blow you do would make
your writing a little more risk-taking.
You've made a fool out of me. So
now it's time for me to make a fool
out of you: I know you like having sex
with giant stuffed animals and it
makes me want to puke. Oh, and in
case that nugget of information doesn't put a dint in your future dating
prospects, I should probably let
everyone know you have a tiny penis,
too. Tiny. They may say size doesn't
matter, but I'd have to say it does
when it's so small you need to spend
five minutes just trying to find it in a
jungle of pubes.
I hate you. £)
You have
by Stephen J. Monqui-Buttlars
Review of  'I'm  gonna  fucking
kill you'
Now divorcing forever
Why? Why did you do this? Jenna, does
it make you happy to humiliate the
both of us so publicly? I can't for the
life of me understand why it the
Province didn't pick you for that last
internship. No one does exploitative
sensationalism quite like you.
Before you go off on another one
of your crazy, PMS-induced rants
again, can you at least try to remember to take your meds first? I'm all
for taking shit from you (hell, I've
been doing it for the past eight
years,) but I'd really appreciate it if
it wasn't based solely on your own
frustrated fictional fantasies.
Jimmy and I are just friends. I
don't know whose car you tailed last
night, but we went to see the play
together. I didn't invite you because
I know you'd rather sit on your fat
ass and watch the Home Shopping
Network than appreciate something
actually requiring critical thought.
Forgive me if I didn't want to sit
beside you while you snore louder
than a pack of eighteen-wheelers
downshifting on the highway. Not
my cup of tea.
Jealousy is one thing, but I won't
stand for you attacking my work...and
my penis. I've been told time and
again, it's a perfectly fine size, and if
you can't make do, then by all means,
go have sex with someone else. Oh
wait, that might be hard, considering
you haven't shaved your armpits or
your legs in the last eight months.
I can't take this anymore. This is a
sham of a marriage. I'm not gay, but
you're certainly making it easy for me.
You got what you wanted: we're
through. You can have the car, you can
have the apartment. Just let me have
what's left of my dignity.
Mom, Dad, if you're reading this,
I'm not gay. I swear. I love boobies.
They're awesome. Please believe
me. @
Plushies or no, this
is better than sex
my life    I
by Kevin Voyeur and
Kristen I. M. Cumming
Culture-y analysis of Steve and
Jenna's marriage
No longer playing
Wow. For those who haven't
been keeping up, we have been
having two ongoing pools in the
Jubyssey office: first, when
Jenna is going to figure out that
Steven is into dick, balls and
Teddy Ruxbin and second,
when their marriage is going to
fall down like a house of cards.
Also extra money was to be
awarded for predicting which
would come first. In any case,
Kevin wins hands down. Kevin,
please tell us: how did you know
Jenna it was going to happen so
I've been watching
Steve since he signed
up here at the
Jubyssey, and it was
obvious he was just
dying to get
caught...it was only a
matter of time. what
i didn't see coming
was the fact jenna
would play hardball.
Kevin: Well, Kristen, two
things: One, they're so unhappy
they should be showcased in a
Todd Solondz film. Secondly,
I'm just a good reporter. I've
been watching Steve since he
signed up here at the Jubyssey,
and it was obvious he was just
dying to get caught. From the
Barney pornos he left on the
network to the leather fetish
pics on his desktop, he was a
walking ad for the queerest of
queer sex. It was only a matter
of time. What I didn't see com
ing was the fact that Jenna
would play hardball and be willing to humiliate herself to sink
his ship. Good on ya, Jenna!
You've got balls, girl! If only
they were real ones instead of,
you know, balls-by-virtue.
Kristen: I agree, Kevin. I
never thought Jenna had it in
her, but it just goes to show, people get married for stupid reasons and screwing around only
leads to social suicide. Hell, if
Stephen had just stayed single,
he could have just kept everything to himself, instead of leaving a trail of sexual breadcrumbs
around the office so thick that
Hansel and Gretel would have no
trouble finding them. It's the
mirage of the white-picket fence
contrasting with your freaky
needs that makes you look like a
pervert, not the freaky needs
themselves. For example, I'm
single and I can be pretty open
about what I'm into: I'm really
into getting a whole bunch of
people together and farting into
giant, frosty birthday cakes.
What's the big deal?
Kevin: ...uh...
Kristen, I gotta go. I'll, uh, I'll
see you Monday. I think maybe
talking about the Jubyssey drama
on paper might not have been a
good idea after all. Too much
information. I'm out.
Kristen: Whatever, Kevin.
Cake-farting is amazing. The
next time your birthday rolls
around and your son brings
that big, moist sugar-and-spice
concoction into your dining
room, think about it. I'll bet you
a million dollars you won't be
able to think of anything else.
Mm-mm. ©
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Friday, 1 December, 2006   THE JUBYSSEY
Ubyssey Satire
Great. Screw em all." And other problems with group decisions
As the official newspaper of the
University of British Columbia,
we have a lot of power. The
Ubyssey is meant to represent
students, so any biases, prejudices and indications of bad
taste that appear in its pages
reflect poorly on the student
For example, if were we to
title our well respected paper
the Jiibyssey in an attempt to
attract readers with a disgusting, debased attempt at satire,
then we would be abusing our
power. It would represent total
irresponsibility on the part of
the editors, who have an obligation to their readers.
The Ubyssey, as the official
student paper of a large, progressive university, should
engage  new ideas. We  should
not be content doing the same
old thing, in some half-hearted
attempt to appease our readers,
the majority of which don't even
care about the student paper.
If the student paper won't
push the envelope, then who
will? Unlike the corporate world,
in which someone might be
fired for suggesting something
at all deviant from the mission
statement, the academic world
has room for contrasting opinions.
The Jewbyssey as a title for
our spoof issue, indicates how
open-minded and un-biased we
[Boris, are you retarded? Do
you have any idea how many
angry letters we are going to
Based on a random sampling
of students in the Student Union
Building, we found that the student body is generally opposed
to the idea of a student paper
using a religion in its title. Shock
was the most common response,
and even when the title was
explained as logical piece of our
satire issue, they were less than
impressed. Why use the
Jewbyssey if there is no need?
[Because, Jesse F. why then
do you like South Park if you're
afraid of doing the same thing?]
The Jewbyssey is a stupid
idea. The end.
[Momo, stop being so afraid.
We shouldn't have backed down
just because we are afraid of
angry people. This is really
[Hey man, don't come crying
to  me  when  someone  burns
your house down.]
Jewbyssey! Jewbyssey!
[Boris, stop it, you anti-sem-
[What are you talking about, I
love the Semites!]
Mary, Colleen, whoever
keeps adding to the edit-shut
Just because a group of editors can get away with a particularly offensive brand of humour,
they should not necessarily follow through with it.
[Wahaha. Great. Screw 'em
Islamyssey! Buddhistyssey!
Gay-byssey! Yourmom-yssey!
Pubeyssey! Sweaty-ballsyssey!
Priests-raping-sheepyssey! I-
Whileyou-were-in-classyssey! ©
What's better, KFC or Church's Chicken?
—Sonia Domning
Political Science 3
"Church's. That
chicken meat is
moist and the skin
is crispy. Reminds
me of when my
father molested
—Barbie Kujunzic
International Relations 4
"KFC, like my
mamma's sweet
—Jemima Woodwind
Mathematics 3
"Church's, because it
reminds me of
whenever I rub my
face in my girlfriends
breasteses. I likes the
smells of'dem."
-Heather Buxom
Science 2
"I don't eat
fried foods"
—Joshua Skeetness
History Grad Student
"KFC. I'm a
third generation
descendant of the
Kolonei It tastes like
my skeet."
—Coordinated by Skzeeto Veto and Borleen
SJC outraged as usual
We from the Society Judical Centre (SJC)
would like to respond to the Jubyssey's
November 9 article entitled Israel: God's
Chosen People for a Reason. Your depiction
of Israel as the "Saviour of an otherwise
godless region" has offended me and many
of my fellow SJC members. Israel is the cancerous polyp on the lower intestine of
humanity. Israel caused global warming
with its massive menorah fires. The Zionists started the Second World War and were
JFK's real murderers.
Every year millions of babies are turned
into kosher dog-food by the Jewish cabal.
Ultimately, we at the SJC hope to eliminate
the global instability created by the presence
of the fascist United States of American and
supporters of the Jewish Cabal. By promoting free and balanced discussion around
issues in the Middle East we hope to make
the world a better place by ridding it of the
capitalist-judeo-facist cabals who control it.
—J. Doucher
More Mychael Byers!
I'm writing to complain about the glaring
lack of renowned international expert
Mychael Byers in the Juyssey According to
Mychael Byers' most recent autobiography
Being Mychael Byers, he's not just an expert
on international law, author of a best-selling
book, speaker of French and German, and a
former professor at Duke and Oxford, he's
also qualified to speak about:
—Snow storms
—Three ways
-Al Gore
—Male pattern baldness
—Dancing with the stars
—Keisha Chante
—Mychael Byers
—Global Warming
—Global Cooling
—Breast Herpes
—Camel Toe
Please contact him regarding any of these
Attached is a photo of Mychael Byers for
future reference
—Mychael Byers
We're hiring!
We're looking for a Copy
Editor/News Editor/Volunteers
Position papers up by noon
in our office.  Cyber-shot
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