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The Old, White, and Straight Apr 1, 2000

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Array VOLUMES! 43789APRIL 1, 2000
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THE OLD, WHITE,
AND STRAIGHT
PICKS THE BEST
OF THE BEST IN «*
A CITY WHERE
THERE ARE NO
BAD THINGS
WHATSOEVER-
VANCOUVER!
THE SIGHTS,
THE SOUNDS,
THE STRAIGHVs
WHAT A WEEKLY! ■»
WHAT A TOWN! . ^ "I hear that information superhighway thingy is getting really popular."
The Economist
Business Certificate
in "E-Commerce"
BCTI now offers courses in all sorts of stuff that
you can do with your computer if you don't want
to get downsized like the decrepit dinosaur that
you are. Explore electrical commerce as a way to
get a new job, or hold on to that same degrading
shit until retirement.
Courses include:
• PC, Mac or microwave?
• Beyond the on button
• "Surfing" the "Web"
• Line-ux or lynn-ex?
• MP3: media something three
• Bank teller opportunities
16
7
10
Just one of the many gorgeous billboards around Vancouver. It is true what they
say—we are the most beautiful city in the world!   Underpaid Freelancer photo.
Shop Here
4     news
mmmm^ Thfa latp<;r npws nn yrtn'inn la\A,c
The latest news on zoning laws, new stop signs, court
documents, sex, well actually no sex, but plenty of
zoning law stuff, which by the way, we think is more
interesting than you'd think • By Charlee Smith
The Best Of Vancouver! Any year now, we'l
do the Rest Of Vancouver. But for now,
you'll only hear about good things, like
cappuccino and Stanley Park • by Tom Pea
There are plenty more ads than just the
ones on page 16. We've even got ads
with girls who aren't more than 13, but
are dressed like models. • ByPedO.Phile
Look! A picture of Mike Harcourt.who,
when he was mayor, gave us plenty of
zoning stories! And he's standing with
Mayor Phillip Owen! • By Ron Yamauch
The latest cookie-cutter-15-minute-inter-
view with a star who did 29 identical
interviews just like this one that day!
How exciting! Wooo! • BylanCaddel
III
We know you flip past the rest of this crap to
read the smut Rne. See if we care. We can
use the word 'come'just as often in the
Music or Food section. • By Dan-O Savagely
7
A Nice Ad
9
Filler Copy
9
But Niiice Ads
15
A Syndicated Column
!B-31FashionAds
32
Business
36
Bo-ring!
41
Something About
Coffee
43
Cantel Ad!
49
Seven Years Ago
55
Retirement Age
57
Ted, Our Designer
63
Dan, Our Publisher
66
Ian, Our Pretty Boy
666
Number of the Beast
668
Neighbor of the Beast
71
Mark, in Sales
'73
Dan's Son Dan Jr.'s
Thirteenth Birthday
'77
The Year Led Zeppelin
III Came Out, Man
97
A Colour Ad!
99
This Ad Has A Pretty
Girl In It, Smiling Nicely
101.9FM
Pin
ite Out
We're better than
Toronto, but we're NOT
insecure about it, OK?
nn
ie In
110% Is Laudable In Terms
Of Effort But Is In Fact
Actually Impossible
(131-9) 122
144
Is Swing Dead? Maybe
164
Would Be Many Pages
lei
vices
195
Would Be Even More
203
Sex Ads and Sexy Ads
501
My Jeans!
2001
Is Next Year-
2010 An Inferior Sequel
COVER PHOTO BY
REMOTE CAMERA
A Weekly Mix of Strangely Similar Copy
and Many, Many Ads. Licence No. 199782
2 • APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • THEOLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT
IHE'OLD,  WHITE, AND    I 7 si the old, white, and straight would
like to thank our sponsors, who
have made this highly-profitable
issue possible.
THEOLD, WHITE, ANDSTRAIGHT'• APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • 3 mrmv^
Bylaw violation, Straight in uproar
It seems that police are getting fed
up with illicit all-night dance gath
erings—known on the street as
"raves." And Vancouver city council
seems to have contravened yet another municipal bylaw in its efforts to
crack down on this latest trend.
New zoning laws require that pri
vate, commercial parties that last
until after 2am require a special
license, according to documents
obtained by the Straight from the
Vancouver Public Library. The licenses will be granted individually at the
discretion of a newly appointed
municipal committee.
According to more documents
obtained by the Straight in a breathtaking investigative report,
Vancouver city government is trying
to encourage teens to participate in a
healthier social life—one that doesn't
involve "random and/or accidental
sex and/ or hugging, the ingestion of
illicit substances, and/or the presence of monotonous techno-electric
rhythms." The new laws coincide
with the 'Get Down Tonight' project,
which, when implemented in
Vancouver's community centres, will
provide drug and alcohol-free entertainment for teens who might other
wise be going to raves.
However, a Freedom of
Information request filed by the
Straight has revealed that this project
would contravene Section 249 Article
XXVId of the municipal code, which
orders that all youth activities end by
midnight.
This is yet another example of the
contempt in which the Straight holds
city council, and the extent to which
the Straight will go to prove a point.
Vancouver Mayor Philip Owen was
unavailable for comment, although
the Straight did try to call him.
Honest.
But other members of council
are adamant that this initiative will
address the issue of reckless youth.
"We feel that this two-pronged
approach will crack down on those
all-night dance parties,"  said Bill
Robertson, a prominent city councillor.
'"Get Down Tonight' will focus
mostly around games of croquet and
marbles, which we feel are suitable to
create the right environment for
today's youth," said Joanne Miller, one
of the program's organisers.
But rave promoters are not happy
about the new rulings.
"It's not like any ravers will actually
go to those events," says Slime Laraka,
owner of LushEcstasy, a local promotion company. "Just 'cause we dress
up like little kids and suck our thumbs
and talk funny doesn't mean we want
to play fuckin' croquet and marbles!
We want to be treated with love and
respect. We love everybody. I thought
we had reached an understanding,
but now.. .hey, you're laughing at me!"
Jay Smooth, another rave promoter, agrees. "It's like...okay...It's
like, you know? Most promoters will
like ne-verrrr bother dealing with the
city on this, you know? It's like, it'll
just like divide the, like, ravers, and
the, like, police, more, than, like,
everrrrr."
Die-hard ravers are also sceptical.
The Straight caught up with some stu
dents thought to be potential ravers
outside the Student Union Building
on the UBC campus early last
Thursday morning. Wearing fun fur
and incredibly wide pants, they complained about the new laws.
Document obtained by the
Straight revealed that Mayor Owen
occasionally wears wide pants, raising
the Straight's concerns that he is, in
fact, a potential raver.
•Charlie Smythe
Arnould
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Visit our online store at chapters'.ca and
find out how we're about more than just
books.
A THC OLD. WHITE. AND /~"7_    A,
Volume 81 • Number 47
2nd Floor, 1770 Burrard Street
Vancouver, B.C. V6J3C7
Phone: (604) 730-7000 Fax: 730-7010
Sales Fax: 730-7012
e-mail: info@straightcom
hot sex: www.whitehouse.com
Chilli Yuppie Bruce Arthur
Acid Casualty Tom Peacock
Hemp and Patchouli Editor Todd Silver
Beefcake Editor Duncan M. McHugh
Draft Dodger Tristan Winch
Gore-lex Editor Miriam Torchinsky
Jerry Garcia Graeme Woithy
Hare Krishna Editor Regina Yung
Corporate Whore Nicholas Bradley
Checkers Flipper
Sandals at tha Office Editor Laura Blue
Cocaine on Fridays Editor Cynthia Lee
Grouse Grind Editor Tara Westover
Starbucks Editor Flora Graham
Bra-Burning Editor Jeremy Beaulne
Gimme Shelter Editor Naomi Kim
Every day at the Straight offices—
and by the way, we're neighbours with the Fraser Institute-
we like to kick things off with a
good half-hour alone with our
tall skinny lattes, peering through
our windows at the joggers and
rollerbladers down below. And
sometimes we wonder why people don't take more time before
their workouts to make sure that
their outfits are colour coordinated. And who ever heard of wearing Nike shorts with Adidas
shoes—talk about brand disloyalty. And some people are still
wearing their Sun Run t-shirts
from like five years ago—as if we
need to know how long you've
been running if it means wearing
a dirty old piece of clothing. Rags
went out in the sixties, man, and
we know, cuz we were there.
Those, those were the days, back
when we didn't have to worry
about pandering to our advertisers' whims, back when we could
print anything we felt like printing without being concerned
about offending the fine folks at
Chapters, Universal, or A&B
Sound. Back then, people even
read our articles, instead of just
picking us up for the cheap thrills
in our back pages and to find out
what shitty band the record label
has conned us into promoting
this week. Not that there's anything wrong with record labels—
hey, they pay for our long lunches, and our Starbucks afternoons.
Not to mention the new BMWs
we all bought a couple of weeks
ago. Now these are some nice
cars. Back in the sixties all we
cared about was getting high and
getting laid (but 'it wasn't just
drugs and sex—this was revolution, buddy), but then we grew
up and began to understand the
real world of European styling
and tight handling on the corners. Really comes in handy on
the way up to Whistler for a
sunny Spring weekend of mountain biking and shopping in the
Village. If only it weren't for the
hundreds of smelly kids up there,
it would be perfect There's no
better place to spend some cash.
4 • APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT Besto/Vancouver2000
Welcome to the Old, White
and Straight's fifth annual
"Best of Vancouver" issue.
Every year we publish a
lengthy ballot that requests our readers' opinions on a variety of categories
related to the city, shopping, and what
passes for a social life here in
Vancouver. It's basically supposed to
be sort of funny.
Most of the questions on the ballot
have to do with coffee and where to
drink it, the weather, and the view
from Stanley Park. Why we think anyone should really know or care about
these cliched aspects of our city's culture is a good question. For those of
you who have lived here more than six
months, who avoid Starbucks like the
plague it is, who gave up on exercise
ages ago, who went to the Aquarium
once and hated it, who went to
Guildford Mall once and kind
of...well...liked it, and whose only
romantic experience near English Bay
was in the parking garage of the Coast
Plaza Hotel, behind the wheel of a
stolen Cadillac with a 42-year-old
man and his wife—both of whom
were on horse tranquilizers—stop
reading this now. In fact, don't pick up
the Straight ever again. And maybe
you should think about moving to the
suburbs. You don't belong here anymore. You're not hip enough.
For the rest of you, congratulations
for making it this far. But you deserve
a break. Park your SUV grab a frappa-
crappyccino, stick a disc of the latest,
coolest, drum-and-bass Disney
soundtrack into your portable, shock-
absorbing, super-lightweight, disc-
playing-device thingy, and jog On
down to the beach. Once you're there,
find a suitable log to lie on. All set?
Now, go ahead and read this because
you deserve it. You've probably been
to one of the places we mentioned, or
had the very same opinion we're
about to share with you. When you
read these things, you will feel special,
as if you belong here. And you do, my
friend. You do.
Best local suckingness
In 1998, the first item on our list of 20
reasons to feel pleased about living in
Vancouver was "our humility." We had
concluded that it was good to live in a
city where all the sports teams suck.
Well, we'd like to withdraw this totally
stupid conclusion, and re-affirm how
much we suck. For the best suckingness, visit any of our stadiums or coliseums during any given game.
Best reason to stay in bed during Winter.
It rains here a lot, and if you have
Seasonal Mective Disorder you might
feel like committing suicide. Two
choices for when you can't actually
sleep anymore: move to Alberta, or get
a good TV and a remote.
Best hike for the visiting
tourists you don't like
Grouse Grind, in a short-sleeved T-
shirt and shorts, during a snowstorm.
Don't forget that extra water bottle.
Best place to take a shit
Main and Hastings. .And you can
even use the public toilet downstairs
Cream of the Coast
Rises to the top
if you want.
Best snowboarding for 30-
something-Kitsilano-guys
you don't like
Anywhere out of bounds at Cypress
(Just follow the nearest high school
kid. They know the way.)
Best place to get some
wicked wobbly action
Luvafair on Thursday nights. Heck,
any night will do. Just drink a lot. It
works best like that.
Best place to get a leg of
The Ivanhoe. And I once got some
batteries, a pack of razors and an old
football jacket that was only two sizes
too small.
Best eyesore
The building that houses the Georgia
Straight offices, an Infiniti car dealership, and the Fraser Institute.
UGGGH!
Best place to watch a movie
and visit Mars all at once
Tinseltown, or any of the other
colossal eyesores popping up on the
fringes of the Lower Mainland. Why
wait in line at Fifth Avenue to see
some film with subtitles, when you
can sit in a chair three sizes too big
for you, in front of any one of, like,
sixteen screens and watch aliens
blow the shit out of people, and
people kill each other and all that
crazy-ass Will Smith, bad-boy
humour. Shhhhiiiiiit....that stuff is
fuuuunny.
Best place to sit for a
moment
Last year we said the sixth floor of
Eaton's. Well that doesn't apply anymore now, does it? How about
Duthie's books on Georgia and
Granville? Nope. What about
Starbucks? Or Chapters? Or Chapters
and Starbucks all at the same time? Oh
my God! You can! You can sit and not
just sit, but drink coffee and surf the
Net (for only about 50 dollars a
minute or something) and read your
new copy of E-biz made E-zy for
Wankers Like You.
Best budget news for cash-
strapped parents
Capilano Suspension Bridge
Best place to see why the
Lower Mainland is better
than being underwater
(Last year, the heading was "Best place
to see why Vancouver is better than
the suburbs," but that was stupid, so
we changed it.)
Stand next to Highway 1 as it
winds its way through Surrey on its
way to Langley. You will see a lot of
cars. You will hear a lot of noise. If the
traffic is bad, you will make eye contact with a lot of people who look
unhappy. They will frown at you, and
keep picking their noses and listening
to their favourite crappy country song
on the crappy country radio station.
But they are breathing. They are alive.
Almost. Just like you.
Best reason to go to Gastown
You can actually stand with your left
foot in the heroin capital of North
j^merica, holding a fuzzy moose in
your right hand, wearing a Vancouver
sweatshirt, watching somebody begging for scraps of change so they can
go somewhere and make themselves
that much closer to dead.
Most unusual place to take
a romantic walk
The Seawall
Best replacement mayor
l.Me
2. My friend Russ
3. My friend Jamie
Most pricks under one roof
In 1998, we had this one because it
was clever, because they had some
cactus exhibit down at the Van Dusen
Gardens. This year, we'd have to go
with that building with the Infiniti
dealership downstairs.
Best foond poetry
Found:
1 plain brown wallet containing 200
dollars. Call 822-3972.
Worst new trends
1. Naming trends
2. Caring what the Straight says about
trends
3. Reading the Province
Best new trends
1. Raves
2. Swing revival, daddy-o!
3. Slam poetry
Most endearing thing about
Vancouver
1. a\U the really expensive-looking cars
2. All the people in really expensive
clothes
3. All the people with really expensive
cell phones, going to really expensive
bars, and acting like really expensive
movie stars
Best neighborhood to live io
1. Bellingham
2. Whistler
3. Calgary
Best
last fen bucks
1. The Ivanhoe. Razorblades: $2.50
2. The Ivanhoe. Batteries: $4.50
3. The Ivanhoe. Leg of Lamb: $3.00
Strip mall that looks the
least like a strip mall
1. The Cecil
2. Shit, that's not a strip mall.
3. The Wild Coyote
Best vintage clothing stnre
1. The Gap
2. Dolce and Gabbana (so 1999)
3. Le Chateau (Le Casde? Whatever)
Best argument vs. hippies
1. Patchouli sucks
2. Meat rules
3. Commercial Drive
Best reason for the kiddie
schools not to strike
l.Kids
2. on the bus
3. suck.
Best reason tngu to SFU
1. Highest suicide rates in the country
2. They have a crack pipe band
3. UBC
Best place to get shit-kicked
1. The Ivanhoe
2. The Cambie
3. Room 213, Biltmore Hotel
Best place to lose your shirt
1. Hastings Park
2. Great Canadian Casino
3. The Odyssey
Best place to find yoorself
l.TheNaam
2. Jericho Beach at sunset, you fuckin'
yuppie
3. In a room at the Biltmore hotel with
no idea what the hell time it is, what
day it is, or who's in the bathroom
Best place to coocealyoor
true identity
1. Coming out of a store on Granville
near Nelson
2. Wreck Beach
3. In the pages of the Straight
Best place for some really
good conversation
The drunk tank is (apparently) a really
good place to hear some sad-sack stories, and basically shoot the shit with
some real characters, but don't expect
me to be your friend come 7am. I take
my watch, my wallet and my change
and I'm outta there.
Best job opportunities in
Greater Vancouver
1. Two words: property crinie
2. Two words: bottles and cms
3. Two words: crack cocaine
Best reason for us all to live
in this stupid dumb tiwn
THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT' APRIL 1-APHIL B, 2000 • 5 All she wanted
was to love
the hunkiest guy
in the movie
/Jennifer <=JLoue ^Mewitt
in
Another Jennifer
Love Hewitt
Vehicle 2
Love is just another excuse
to tease you with her breasts
APPLIANCE ATLANTIC presents an ARTISTICALLY BEREFT production
"ANOTHER JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT VEHICLE 2" JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
THE HUNKY GUY and with GOIVANNI RIBISI as THE NOT SO HUNKY GUY
Story by SOME HACK WRITER WHO NEEDED RENT MONEY
screenplay by MARIO PUZO AND GEORGE LUCAS
produced by JOEL SILVER'S NON-UNION MEXICAN EQUIVALENT
directed by BRIAN "I USED TO BE IMPORTANT" DEPALMA
IN A WORLD OF BANAL INFOTAINMENT AND
LAME-ASS GAMESHOWS ONLY ONE THING IS SURE..
WHORNER BROS, ppjseots
a SHAVICK ENTERTAINMENT pmmucliou "REGIS MUST DIE" REGIS PHILBIN KATHIE-LEE GIFFORD SOME NOBODY mm
COOYGIFFORD a»d BONNIE HUNT co-proouceoby CORPORATE PIG-DOGS executive producer DOLLY THE SHEEP music by FEDEX aw FLIPPER sTomsvYOMAMA screekpiaybyYO DADDY pbooucedby DOW CHEMICAL dhectedby SIGNS FROM THE DEVIL
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WWW.SMASHREGIS.COM
I SOUNDTRACK ALBUM ON WH1TEN0ISE RECORDS. LLC
Sandra bullock
as Janet
Pierce Brosnan
as Larry
Angelina Jolie
as Crissy
Julia Roberts
as lana
John Ritter
as Jack
Harvey Keitel
as Mr. Furley
THREES
the movie
METRO-OSCAR-MEYER Hfswre
A PAINFUL phomjchon "THREE'S COMWNY: THE MOVIE" SANDRA BULLOCK ANGELINA JOLIE and JOHN RITTER
amoouau by DAVID HASSELHOFF EnEcuiMPmoucaLAMBCHOP muskbyBURT BACCARACH sronY Bt RUSTY BUMBACARO
sowuv by DAISY DUKE produced by COLON CLEANSING oihecto sv VOICES IN MY HEAD
www.threcsomexain
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6 • APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • THEOLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT
FIRST-RUN MOVIES
ANOTHER JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
VEHICLE 2 Jennifer Love Hewitt and
Giovanni Ribisi star in Another Neve
Cambell Vehicle director Pedro
Almondovar's drama about a young
woman who comes of age in San
Fransisco and New York while wearing
a selection of trendy and revealing outfits. Rated 14A. SilverCity Metropolis,
SilverCity Guilford, SilverCity Bowser,
SilverCity Spuzzum. See advertisement
page 6.
REGIS MUST DIE Popular game show
and talk show host Regis Philbin and
hanger-on Kathie-Lee Grfford star in
director Khyentse Norbu's martial arts
flick about the offspring of rival cheese
manufacturing families. Rated PG.
Station Square 7, Capitol 6, Granville 7,
Ocean's 11, Rocky 5, Catch 22,
Slaughterhouse 5, Magnificent 7. See
advertisement page 6.
THREE'S COMPANY: THE MOVIE
Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie and sole
original cast member John Ritter star in
director Jack Russel's BC-shot remake
of the hit TV show as three friends and
the neighbors that surround them who
get into wacky mix-ups after several
misunderstandings. Rated Mature.
Pacific Cinematheque, Alcan Omnimax
Theatre. See advertisement page 6. beautiful Sandra
Her new movie may seem like crap, but Sandra Bollock
assures us that there's an artist inside her.
/
BY KEN LEISNER
LOS ANGELES— Sitting in the interview suite of the
Four Seasons Hotel, I can't help but notice how nice
Sandra Bollock smells.
"I squeeze apricots onto my body every morning. I then get a herbal enema and drink a glass of
my own urine. It's good for my complexion."
This sort of holistic approach to life would do a
world of good for Gwen Cummings, Bollock's character in 28 Days, her new movie. In it, Bollock plays
a successful New York writer living life in the "fast
lane." Playing such a high roller must be quite a
stretch for a big-time Hollywood actress like Ms.
Bollock.
"Uh-h-h... sure," she gushes enthusiastically,
wiping cream from her strawberry dessert from the
corners of her perfect little mouth..
It's been a long journey for the gorgeous Ms.
Bollock. Born to Amish parents in Arlington,
Pennsylvania, Bollock rejected her upbringing, a
society that forbade buttons and condemned her
for doing what she most loved: recreating movie
sets as dioramas.
"I had an early passion for sets, that's why set
design is so prominent in my films."
It wasn't easy for Bollock when she struck out on
her own. She decided to hit New York City and try
her hand at theatre. Scared of failure, she avoided
set design, the discipline she loved so dearly. She
took refuge in acting. The rest, as they say, is history.
"I got to New York and I began a relationship
with a theatre director, James. He was so confi-
IH dent in my abilities, so supportive. He cast me
is the title character in this play called
Waiting For Godot. He said I did so well and
that's when I knew that it was acting, not
set design that had captured my passion."
With    roles    in   Medea:    The
Musical and the off-off-Broadway
The Icewoman Cometh, Bollock
made quite a name for herself. In
near fate) pouting. 1992, she decided to make a
Bystanders at the leap into the movies.
Vanity fair after-Oscar "I decided to make a
party reported that Jolie's
already collagenerrirk lips came perilously close to
bursting. A crack team of plastic surgeons from nearby
ML Cedar-Sinai Medical Centre arrived on the scene
for an emergency deflation.
"It was horrific," said actor Ryan Phillippe, who
starred with Jolie in Playing By Heart. "This should be a
warning to us all. Hey Julia [Roberts], maybe now you'll
seriously consider getting some teeth removed."
Guttenberg shooting in Vancouver
Steve Guttenberg was seen recently dining in Bino's Family
Restaurant. He's in town filming Air Bud 7.
No stranger to Vancouver, Guttenberg says he quite likes the city.
"People tend not to point and laugh here. Canadians are just so friendly and forgiving."
Currently, the Police Academy star can be seen on fox Television where
he hosts When Airplane Mechanics Get Sloppy.
• Hark Minis and Km Lnntsr
Angelina Jolie's lips
reach critical mass
Emergency crews were called on
Sunday night when Angelina Jolie,
whose breasts had won an Academy
Award™ for their performance in Girl
Interrupted, had a
Movie
'Ski     a.
Spy? ais # S| ag*
leap into the movies. I started out doing remakes of
Russ Meyer movies, that was before my reduction
surgery. Anyways, Sylvester Stallone spotted me
and got me into Demolition Man. That was pretty
cool."
Up next was the movie that made Bollock the big
time Hollywood star that she is: Speed. The film
grossed nearly $475 million at the box office.
"That was a pretty great experience. I met Keanu
[Reeves, big time Hollywood star] and he's like,
'Whoa,' and I'm like, 'Whoa.' We're good friends."
Since then, Bollock's star has taken off. With
blockbusters like The Net, Two if by Sea, and
Practical Magic under her belt, it's a surprise that
Bollock hasn't let her success get to her head. Not to
mention the fact that she's set to star as Janet in an
upcoming film adaptation of the '70s TV show
Three's Company
"I am an artist. I don't care about 'commercial
viability' or 'box office draw.' I choose projects that
appeal to my passions. I earn my $12 million a film
because I am that good of an artist. Lookit, you've
flown all the way here from Bumfuck, Canada, or
whatever. You 're willing to wait eight hours in a
hospitality suite to talk to me for 10 and a half minutes. What other artist receives that kind of attention."
Bollocks! No. She's right. It's kind of pathetic I
suppose. But hey! You know what? Fuck this. I've
been writing the same goddamn "big-time
Hollywood star" profile for 17 years. I'm nothing
but a cog in a mammoth promotional machine.
Damn you, damn you all. Curse you Hollywood,
you whirling knife gauntlet of artistic castration. ■
THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT- APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 20Q0 • 7 '* i !>.; *i:i MMtmttii. ijs:.»i- tout, huiw ex AiOa 'nancsa.st >
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R U Black enough for it?
with DJ Sexploitation
^ iimmm
Do you dig it?
with DJ Mercedes
pimp FROm SURREV
oin' it suburb-style. Every Wedi
HI-SKOOL RRVGR GIRL
Come put tiie X back in underage
WHITE BOYZ IN PUATPANTS
Sororities go to the front of the line
881 GRANVILLE ST.
Drugs Work!
LIVE PARTY MUSIC NIGHTLY
Sun-Tues: Crappy Pub Rock
Wed-Sat: Our Other Shitty House Band
932 GRANVILLE      On Theatre Row 331-7999
AMk                          ■
TW=This Week, LW=Last Week,
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CONCERTS   1
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
1   SANTANA
40
SANTANA   Wankfest                     HI
Supernatural
Productions and House of             HH
1   SANTANA
40
Blues Concerts Canada present     ^H
Supernatural
guitar legend Carlos Santana         ^H
performing tunes from his latest     HJ
album, Supernatural. April 1,         ^H
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
5pm, BC Place. Tix $154 (plus         H
1   SANTANA
40
monopoly charges, because we     ^H
Supernatural
can) at Ticketmaster, 280^444.     K]
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
EIFFEL 65 Italian pop mega-         ^K|
1   SANTANA
40
stars perform an entire set even     ^H
Supernatural
though they only have one             BI
song. The other 55 minutes of        HI
the performance will be a             HJ|
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
broadcast of excerpts from            HU
1   SANTANA
40
Mussolini's most famous               H|
Supernatural
speeches. Those crazy Italians!       HI
1   SANTANA
40
April 3, 10pm, Plaza of Nations.      ^H
Supernatural
Tix 276 (plus monopoly                  ^El
1   SANTANA
40
charges, because we can) at          HJ
Supernatural
Ticketmaster, 280-4444.                 ^H
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
OASIS Beatles cover band per-     H|
forms from latest CD,                     ^U
1   SANTANA
40
Plagiarising from the Shoulders     H
Supernatural
of Giants. April 4, 9pm, PNE            HI
1   SANTANA
40
Agrodome. Tix $80 (plus               H
Supernatural
monopoly charges, because we      K]
1   SANTANA
40
can) at Ticketmaster, 280-4444.     H|
Supernatural
1   SANTANA
40
ANI DiFRANCO Who knew any-     HI
Supernatural
one could fuck up acoustic folk      Hj
so badly. April 4, 9pm, The             HI
Brickyard. Tix Si 2 (plus monop-     H
-|   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
oly charges, because we can) at     HU
■\   SANTANA
40
Ticketmaster, 280-4444.                 H|
Supernatural
1   SANTANA
40
TYPE 0 NEGATIVE/COAL               H|
Supernatural
CHAMBER Wear black and bite     1
1   SANTANA
40
the head off a motherfuckin'          HJ
Supernatural
chicken. Yeah. April 5,12am,          ^H
1   SANTANA
40
The Commodore. Tix $40 (plus      ^H
Supernatural
monopoly charges, because we     H
can) at Ticketmaster, 280-4444.       HI
1   SANTANA
Supernatural
40
AEROSMITH They could have       HI
1   SANTANA
40
died so many times in the 70s,      Hb
Supernatural
but through some horrific twist      Hj|
1   SANTANA
40
of fate, the Toxic Twins are still       H
Supernatural
alive and touring. April 16,              HI
1   SANTANA
40
10pm, BC Place. Tix $120 (plus      1
Supernatural
monopoly charges, because we     ^H
1   SANTANA
40
can) at Ticketmaster, 280-4444.      HI
Supernatural
MATTHEW GOOD BAND Rock       H
1   SANTANA
40
and roll the way it was meant       ^H
Supernatural
to be: loud. April 6, 8pm, Vogue     H
1   SANTANA
40
Theatre. Tix $40 (plus monop-       Hi
Supernatural
oly charges, because we can) at    H?l
1   SANTANA
40
Ticketmaster, 280-4444.                HI
Supernatural
1   SANTANA
40
ARTS COUNTY FAIR Get drunk,     HI
Supernatural
piss on a fence, pay $5 for a          ^H
mini-donut What more do you       ^U
1   SANTANA
40
want? Featuring performances       ^H
Supernatural
by Moist, the Watchmen, and a      ^Bl
1   SANTANA
40
bunch of other third-rate acts        HJ
Supernatural
Like it matters. April 6, 2pm,          Hjl
1   SANTANA
40
Thunderbird Stadium. Tix              ^H
Supernatural
$17.50 (plus monopoly charges,     ^H
1   SANTANA
40
because we can) at                      ^H
Supernatural
Ticketmaster, 280-4444.                 H|
1   SANTANA
40
RYMES WITH ORANGE                  H|
Supernatural
Actually, it rhymes with spit,            HI
1   SANTANA
40
with guests New Big Shoes           ^H
Supernatural
April 6, 9pm, Pic Pub. Tix $3            ^H
THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT TOP
(plus monopoly charges,               H
50 ain't no real survey, but this guy wor
Sinn
because we can) at                     HJ
a lot of Grammys so he's got to have a
Ticketmaster, 280-4444.                ^B
lot of cred.
8 • APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT Cutting
1*USH
>'
The Stra&hfs xauHc crWcs have
eiri/oyecf another crazv year or> the
cutting e<tee of j>o/> tousle, cu(x*l-
na+lns with the Gratotoys (ast
toor>th« ^ow5 the results are INI
Sure, Y2K has passed us by relatively
unscathed and we're already well into
March, but hey, we're not the most
self-motivated individuals. Hell, if it
weren't for the free CDs, we'd all be
doing what we really should be doing:
playing in our band. Yeah. We've got
this Velvet Underground influence,
but we're mostly "power pop." You
know, "crunchy" guitars, with drums,
and a singer. We play down at the
Marine Club all the time and sometimes we open for bands from Ontario
down at the Railway too. Anyways,
we've finally gotten off of our cor-
duroy-beclothed asses and finished
our "Top Ten Albums of 1999" list. So
chill out, man.
Alesander Ibrdy
My Top Ten list is full of spicy sounds,
crazy sounds, and just plain GREAT
sounds! Here goes:
1) Santana, Supernatural
Be it masturbatory guitar solos or the
best in mediocre guest vocalists,
Supernatural has it all. With a return
to the coke-heavy 70s sound, Santana
has proven that lame, FM-friendly
rock is here to stay.
2) Jennifer Lopez, On ihe 6
With an ass that just won't quit, and
some really strong music artistry,
and an ass that just won't quit,
Lopez showed the world she could
stay on top—and that's just where
we'd like her.
David Usher breaks nail
3) Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Californication
With the triumphant return of their
12th guitarist, the success of
Californication ensured that another
generation of teenage girls get to see
Flea's schlong.
4) Ricky Martin, Ricky Martin
A hero to hunky, closeted Puerto
Ricans everywhere, Ricky lived his
"vida loca" in some stunning leather
pants. Ricky Martin, what else can I
say?
5) Enrique Iglesias, Enrique
If it's Latin, it's H-O-T. But hey, Julio. It's
called a condom. C-O-N-D-O-M.
Don't let this happen again. Just kidding, man! Love it'
6) Matthew Good Band, Beautiful
Midnight
For all the benefits CanCon regulations may have, they've also given us
the Matthew Good Band. That
Matthew, he's so surly...but so
groundbreaking! Guitars! Vocals!
Drums! Wow!
7) The Black Halos, anything at all,
man!
Hard rock is back! The Straight has
hailed this Billy Hopeless-led band as
the saviours of rock 'n' roll, and even
though Billy is likely to suffocate on
his own vomit any day now, we think
he's 'cool.' Wow.
8) Kid Rock, DevilWithouta Cause
Straight outta Detroit Rock City, Kid
Rock burst onto the scene this year
with a brutal blend of metal
and hip-hop. Hey, pimpin' ain't easy.
This guy has "long-lasting" written all
over his coffin.
9) Eiffel 65, Europop
Hey, he is blue. Blue He really is blue.
Get it? Oh, that newfangled "electronica" sound! We at the Straight think it
just could be the next big thing.
10) Limp Bizkit, Significant Other
Wanting nookie? Tell me about it!
Mike Uselessinger
My Top Ten is full of stuff you may not
have heard while listening to your
"mainstream" music. Hey, this is not
your father's record collection anymore, guys! My Top Ten may be a little
too off the beaten path, but that's
where I like it!
1) Santana, Supernatural
This guy just refuses to age, or change,
or put out a song that doesn't sound
just like all his old stuff (except without the good parts of his old stuff).
And Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas as a
guest? Could this be any more great? It
sure is smooth, isn't it?
2) Britney Spears, Baby One More
Time
The music was super, and Britney
made me want to go out and watch
some real child porn! I'd hit her one
more time, anytime!
3) Christina Aguilera, Christina
Aguilera
See number two. Those naughty little
girls! Rrrrrr!
4) Backstreet Boys, Millennium
These guys busted out to stick it to the
Man, throwing all that prepackaged
crap right back into the mainstream's
face! The Boys are like outlaws—rebels
without a cause.
5) Will Smith, Willennium
Will Smith took rap outside the
boundaries with this kick-out-the-
jams release that reminded many of
NWA's debut, Niggaz With Attitude.
Will certainly had all the attitude he
needed! Let the "Willennium" commence!
6) AC/DC, Stiff Upper Lip
The good old rockers came back to
spit in the mainstream's eye, and they
broke all the rules while they were
doing it. like the Sex Pistols without
the artifice, they rocked!
"Thunderstruck!"
7) Celine Dion, All the Way..J.Decade
of Song
Ten years of perfect, fuck-the-main-
stream music by rock's best bad girl!
She married a man old enough to be
her father who'd also been man
aging her since she was 13! You go, girl!
8) Ry Cooder, Buena Vista Social Club
That sly old dog Ry Cooder gets my
vote for anti-establishment guy of the
year with this album. He managed to
get his name attached to the hard
work and sweat of so many great old
musicians, none of whom speak
English or can read the contracts that
will exploit their talent until they're
dead! aAnd after! Wow! This guy is a
genius!
9) Our Lady Peace, Happiness Is Not A
FishYou Can Catch
Look for them to DOMINATE the
Junos again next year! And man, that
Raine Maida's like a philosopher!
Lyrics like "waaaaahh-eeeeeeee-
iiieeee, ieeeee," and "Ow, awoowoo.
Ow, awooowoo" Deep, man. Deep.
10) Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball
She went from hippie to corporate
queen in the blink of an eye, and she
looked good doing it! She proved that
Vancouver artists can sell themselves
to the world as well as anyone! ■
Tragedy struck on the Moist 2000 tour last Monday when lead singer David Usher broke a nail
while opening a bottle of F.vian. While Usher was rushed to a manicurist, a spokesperson for the
band talked to the press.
^^B ^^ • ^^ "David's going to be okay. He's in stable condition and he should
B^tB m m J5MM^.      be released tomorrow. I think right now all we can do is pray."
While all photo shoots with the band have been cancelled, the
Nmrngmm   Moist tour is expected to continue. According to the band's
IIII m 15 211   spokesperson, Usher will be wearing gloves for his performance at
Arts County Fair this Thursday.
Monday's nail breaking was an all too vivid reminder of how
vulnerable Usher really is. In 1996, following a concert in Akron, Ohio, Usher was caught in a
rain shower without an umbrella. "His flowing raven locks became a sopping mess," an
onlooker observed.
STARFISH ROOM TO BECOME "HEPCATS HAVEN"  The Starfish Room, which had, until a few
months ago, been an independent and alternative music venue, now looks like the side of a
motorcycle gas tank. But it has changed gears yet again; the Yaletown club will debut as the
"Hepcat's Haven" next Thursday, and the airbrushed pictures of movie stars on the walls will be
replaced with red and pink plaid. The club will be home to Lindsay Lindy and the Blue Iguana
dancers and, on Fridays, will feature the Swing Nazis in their "Swing Heil! Revue."
Before this latest change, the Starfish Room had been trying'to attract university students with
its "College Night" and the Hip Hop crowd with its "Players Club." It didn't work.
Now, there will be a dress code in effect: for men, suspenders, and for women bangs and a poodle skirt. Music played will be derivative, infuriating and loud. You don't have to drink and the cover
charge is $15, dance lessons included. Have fun.
For more information on "Hepcat's Haven," call (905) 524-5090.
•Alesander Tbrdy, Mike Uselessinger
THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT' APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2D00 • 9 IMg^ SEX DIRECTORY"^
WOASHING  IN  ON  YOUR  RERVERSIONSj
Savane
DAN-0 SAVAGELY
Night Spots
THE KITTEN THEATRE
Open 7 days a week
Still showing the same old peep shows.
Wear rubber boots
if you know what's good for you.
See related article page 127
Retail
We will exchange sex for goods and currency. We will provide the goods and/or
currency if you provide the sex. Our
goods include cocaine, slightly-used
Swank magazines, and shiny, puffy vests.
Our currency will be available as soon as
our dads sign the cheques.
Phi Fly Thigh ~£§t™   221-FRAT
desk and ask for the "sensual masage, no
sex please," and wink at the receptionist.
She'll know what you mean. Room 272-
6081 University Blvd. Knock three times.
Child Services
Not legal yet. Watch for it in the Straight as
soon as the legislators get off their
uptight asses. Soon.
Pet Services
See child services. Contact your local MLA
for information on how to change these
damned Puritan rules.
you were pretty? Do middle-aged men in
Pontiac Firebirds slow down and whistle at
you as you walk home from school in your
private school girl outfit? Then you could
strip for money! Call the ULTRA Modelling
Agency. We'll have you debasing yourself
to the chagrin of your parents and friends
in no time! PO Box 134.822-GIRL
Ityrnotgfojiby as Art
Like Porn? Heard of Art? Call us! We put the
"Art" back into Pornartgraphy! You may be
asked to have sex with farm animals. No
pressure. 822-FARM.
SWOM
I Saw You
Bodywork
Gigantic burly Norweigan man, may be
transsexual but may just have long hair,
will give you exotic, sensual, mysterious,
passionate massage with a hammer. Call
822-5334 and ask for Njarl Hapsburg.
Hione Services
MEET HOT VANCOUVER STRAIGHT MEN!
Just kidding.There really aren't any. Many
hot gay Vancouver men, but the straight
ones? Ugly, sports-obsessed, hip-hop-
obsessed, and altogether too hairy.
Instead of pretending to be interested in
the Canucks, try a whole new sexual orientation is our advice.
Adult Services
24-hour"massage."Come and get
"relaxed" by our'masseuses.'We only
offer "massage." No"undercover sex for
money." No "spanking'or "playing the-
pilot-and-the-naughty-stewardess."No,
sir. Just "massage." Just come to the front
Single White Old Men seek young, perky,
nubile, editorial assistants to aid in the so-
called production of a weekly ad supplement. Our wives have left us. We need
young, shiny trophy wives. Interested? No
one else has been. 1770 Burrard Street,
2nd floor, Vancouver B.C..V6J 3G7.
Sugar Daddies
I'm rich. Also hideously old. Call me.
822-2222.
Models    Wanted
Have you ever wanted to make it big in
modelling? Have your friends always said
you were pretty? Do middle-aged men in
Pontiac Firebirds slow down and whistle
at you as you walk home from school in
your private school girl outfit? Then call
the ULTRA Modelling Agency. We'll have
you walking the catwalks of Europe in no
time! PO Box 134.822-GIRL
The Chapter's on Granville and Broadway.
Friday afternoon. You were the female
security guard who caught me swiping a
copy of Madonna's Sex. Me: baggy jacket
stolen credit cards, resisted arrest. I liked
your style, and you had really pretty eyes.
Call me. Cell 49, Cellblock D, Okalla.
We shared a needle in the adult fiction section of the Downtown Public Library. You:
strung out, pupils the size of thumbtacks,
some sexy track marks between your
knuckles. Me: stockbroker on my lunch
break You called me "asshole" and stole my
briefcase. I'd like to meet again. I bought a
new briefcase. Straight box 312.
Back of the B-Line bus to UBC last
Wednesday night. You: first-year after first
Pit Night, vomiting into bus farebox. Me:
first-year after my first Pit Night, vomiting
into own bookbag. We have a lot in common. I stole a 40-ouncer of vodka from my
parents. Let's get together.
Strippers Wanted | j see You
Have you ever wanted to make it big in
modelling? Have your friends always said
Right now. Nice outfit. Me: Infrared goggles,
extensive restraining orders.You: mine.
OUR   CONDOLENCES
Just a few of the poor souls out there right now:
girls looking for guys
Yeah, right. There aren't any,
sucker. It's back to the inflatable doll for you. Box 1237
guys looking for girls
Hopeless pornfreak—I spend most
of my time in my room jerking off.
But I can change. Box 9842
Who knows
Crazed jock frat boy—I want to fuck. I want to fuck. I
want to fuck. I want a blowjob. Go 'Nucks! Box 9834
Don't call me—I'll call you. I already know your number. I'm watching you undress right now. I like it when
you wear those pajamas with the little teddy bears on
them. Box 1642
Curious? I don't know. I think I am. I think I'm gay,
but that's not the point. I mean...I'm not so sure. I
would like to meet a lesbian or a gay so we could talk.
Or...I don't know. I'm so confused. Box 0914
how lonely you are
Tired of staying at
home night after
night with one hand
on the mouse?
Telepersonals and a
hands-free phone
give you twice the$
control! I
iii^'"iF
Telepersonalities
you can't afford to be choosy
10 • APRIL 1 -APRIL 8, 2000 • THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT
'ij>"'v;kay. This week's column will,
|» l< lamentably, be my last. Why?
IIMP Because I've lost interest in
the smuttier side of things. I've
grown tired of stories about men
licking semen off peep-show booth
floors. I have exhausted my curiosity concerning the confessions of
men who masturbate into tennis
shoes. I have, to put it plainly, gone
clean. Yes, over the years this column has provided excellent health
and self-esteem advice. But really,
you could give a flying double-anal
penetration fuck about that. When
you pick up any of the 28 newspapers that I'm syndicated in you
breeze through the paint-by-numbers crap to get to MY column
because it gives more sex, sex, and
sex per capita than Times Square
circa 1985. I am the respectable
source for your deepest voyeuristic
tripIe-X fucking-three-people-and-
your-dog-in-the-shower advice. I
mean, come on. This is ridiculous.
How many more letters like this can
I respond to?
I AM A who enjoys having sex
with dressed up like the lit
tle people from The Wizard ofOz on a
 at least three feet high and six
feet wide while ing the of
a donkey from   with four
 s. .And that's before I even set
up the badminton nets and the golf
cart! My partner, though, has a fetish
for while covered in glossy
 and Christmas tinsel. Are we
normal? Can the relationship ever
work? And should I tell him/her
about the ing and ing on
top of the bullet train with turtles and
 ? Will he/she accept him/her
and it/it? And I would like to use the
word come for publication.
How many of the fetishes of any of
the six billion on this planet aren't
normal? There are people who write
love letters to serial killers who are
on Death Row, and then marry them,
then spend the rest of their dismal,
lonely lives masturbating while
watching bad dads getting busted on
Cops. For God's sake, there's likely to
be at least one other human in the
world who loves ing the	
of a donkey from _
_ with four
 s. So find him/her and go at it
like a couple of greased weasels!
Don't ask me if it's "normal." I've
been writing this column for so long
that I have NO idea what is "normal."
When I go home at the end of the
day, the first thing I do is wash my
hands for about seven hours. Then I
bathe in a tub full of Alka-Seltzer, put
on my heated bathrobe, and go to
bed with a mug of bourbon to watch
Disney movies until I fall asleep on
my "Hello Kitty" pillows. Don't talk to
me about "normal." So this is the last
one, you drooling perverts. .And just
remember, that 76-year old woman
sitting next to you on the bus while
you read this probably thinks "doggie-style" is a way of describing how
people drool, so she might have a
heart attack if she reads this. Here's
your last smut fix from me, you
bunch of weirdos—it's off to surfing
the Web for you. I need a bath.
I'M A HAPPILY married man with
three kids, a wonderful wife, and a
satisfying job. What should I do
about my secret desire to have sex
with everything in the entire world? I
mean everything—if it's a carbon-
based life form, I want to do the hot
wiggly with it. Ostriches, ferns, lob
sters, you name it, I'll fuck it. Is this
normal?
Lookin'for some Lobster Lovin' (Or,
Pinch Me I'm Yours)
You're not normal, LFSLL(OPMIY).
You are not even close to normal.
You are a freak whose wife and children should run screaming from you
as fast and as far as they can unless
they, too, are lobster-fucking freaks.
So I have two words for you: GET
HELP. PROFESSIONAL HELP. Or
leave your family and go to work in
the lobster/ostrich/fern porn business. Does it exist? Oh, probably.
There are enough sick, sick, sick, sick
wack-jobs out there that there is
probably porn for about any fetish
you can think of, knowing your
twisted imagination, even porn
involving toasters and/or mahogany.
Don't rule out sparrows and walruses, too. God help us all.
MY PARTNER AND I have discovered a novel way to masturbate one
another. It involves firearms! We love
to "exercise our Second Amendment
rights," if you know what I mean. So
when we get hopped up for some
"Target Range Action," as we like to
call it, we pull out our double-barrelled shotgun (named Brandi) and
then we grab the lube...
Okay, STOP Stop right there. I don't
want to hear about your brand-
spanking-new masturbation techniques. For starters, they've probably
been done, by many people, probably
at a Republican National Convention
or two. So one, you're not special, and
two, why on Earth do you have the
need to share it with the whole freaking world. The words are PRIVATE
LIFE. I don't want to hear about you
greasing up your guns and going
boom-boom. All I want is to move to
a nice place in the country with a big
house with many bedrooms decorated in the style of the Victorians, who
never talked about sex, and learn to
chum butter—actually churn butter,
you sickos—and write plays about
family values, and about everyday
occurrences, and take many, many
baths with my beloved Alka-Seltzer.
Pass the bourbon, Kevin. And quit
looking at me that way.
MY PaARTNER LIKES to have sex
while he votes in the US Congress,
and he generally tries to climax just
as they ask for a "yea" or a "nay." He
always votes "yea." But what really
gets him going is when I dress like
the peanut on those Planter's commercials—you know, the one with
the monocle and the top hat. I'm not
completely comfortable with it,
though. I think it would be better if I
dressed as a Teletubby. What do you
think I should do?
In a Peanut Suit and
Feeling A-Salted
Oh, you're a fine one. Fuck off, IAP-
SAFA. Fuck your Congressman (at
least this time it's him being fucked)
in whatever suit you want. I'm ready
for the country, I'm ready for normalcy, I'm ready to make casseroles, I'm
ready for no more sex talk. Pass the
bourbon, Kevin darling. Goodnight."
Don't send anymore filthy, sticky,
crumpled letters to My Sa vagely Messy
Bedroom, the Old, White, and
Straight, 1770 Burrard Street, 2nd
floor, Vancouver, B.C., V6J 3G7, or e-
mail letters to president@ams.ubc.ca.
Contents copyright Dan-O Savagely. 24 hour customer service available at 1-877-822-8697 • www.hotmale.com/tubolove/
Adverl e Straight. Please. Well do anything. Rewrite editorial contenty
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NEE Vancouver: 666 Seymour St. 666-5837 / NNE Vancouver: 732 SW Marine Drive 321-51 T2
SSW Vancouver: 3433 E. Hastings St. 298-0464 / NNE Vancouver: 4568 Kingsway 439-0223
S Vancouver: 10280 135th. St. 589-7500 / SEE Vancouver: 2369 McCollum Rd. 859-4200
12 • APRIL 1-APRIL 8, 2000 • THE OLD, WHITE, AND STRAIGHT

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