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The Ubyssey Apr 1, 2012

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Array UBYSSEY
THE NEWS..
THE GOSS..
THE PICS..
THE SPOOF
MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2012 WWW.UBYBEER.CO.UK
GIRLS!
GIRLS!
GIRLS!
COUPON
50% OFF!
WHATEVER THE HELL GETS YOU
TO PICK UP THIS PAPER!*"23
*Some condition apply f Ifyou don't like us, sue us, or not, this is the Ubyssey's spoof issue l only applicable between 10am and lpm on day of publication. 2 Only one coupon for location. 3 Marks and Spencer not included. UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
Aye aye, lads-
leading S&M
enthusiast and
dungeon master
Brian turns 35.
'QUOTE OF
THE DAY./1
"I wish Hungry
Hungry Hippos
had giraffes
instead. They're
magical."
-S. Troope
NEWS
INSIDE TODAY
4
3AM
6
LIFESTYLES
9
SPORT
11
CHECK OUT www.ubybeer.co.uk 7 DAYS A WEEK
DON'T MISS
OUT ON THE
IF YOU are having
difficulty getting
hold of a copy
of your Beer
Standard, then we
want to know. You
should, like tweet
us, or something
and we can tell
you where to find
one?
This newspaper does not adhere to the ethical and professional standards ofthe publishing
industry as set out in the ethical guidelines that nobody else in our industry adheres to either.
GET CASH FOR YOUR STORIES
Phone the Ubyssey Beer-Standard news desk. We pay obscene amounts for good info and
semi-credible tips.
0900 330 0303
Corrections
We are sorry.
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard is in the business of holding others
to account. We failed when it came to ourselves.
In the last few weeks, you heard that the reason we generated
so many lurid front-page stories about AMS Executives is by
illegally hacking their phones.
This hacking was done by drinking with executives, "accidentally" pouring beer on their phones, and "offering" to fix them
free of charge.
We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred.
We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by the individuals
affected.
We regret not acting faster to sort things out.
We will not fire senior managers who actually knew of
wrongdoing. Instead, we will protect those who ordered these
things to happen, and fire those who carried out orders.
The problems have since been rectified.
My personal relationship with the former AMS President is of
absolutely no concern in this.
In addition, no people on The Ubyssey editorial board have ever
had improper relations with AMS Executives. We promise.
Sincerely,
Justine McMurdoch
Publisher
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard
PUBLISHER Justine McMurdoch
PRINTMAN Jonavan Smartfield
WEBMAN Archy Womann
N.E.W.S Cal Makoron + Minnie Moo
ARTISTRY. Geofffffffff Fisterrrrrr
GOSSIP COORDINATOR Genevieve Madagascar
ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR Malfoy Georgia
WORDS GUY. Benjamin Platonic
LIBEL MANAGER Kara Palmtree
MOVING PICTURES Davie "Want That" Mario
STUFF WRITER Batesey
CREATIVE GIRL Baboo Jones
24-6138 SUB • VANCOUVER, BC • 604.822.2301
MON
TUE
WED
TODAY: Going to be a very rainy, dull day today. You'll need to wear the whole outfit, with
Wellies, mac and a brolly. Wrap all bags you
plan to carry in plastic, put your cellphone in
a condom to prevent water damage.
TUESDAY: The condom had a hole in it and
your cellphone is now water-damaged. This
isn't the first time you've broken a condom
and had to deal with the repercussions. At
least this time you didn't get anyone pregnant. Just bring a brolly.
WEDNESDAY: You might as well end things
here. You haven't seen sunshine in two weeks
and it ain't coming out today. Ifyou decide to
keep going, there are a variety of indoor activities you can do, such as drying out your socks.
THE UNHEALTHY LOTTERY UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
In
in
mM^wrmiWim
This furry sex kitten is always on the prowl—for love.
U I'm always up for a good rodgering," says the randy rumper, "but I look for
the deeper connections." His friends know him as a lovable softie who only
occasionally lashes out violently when on the piss. He rides his bike in the
nude and owns a 16-foot python that he feeds gerbils and mice.
This lascivious Lothario describes himself as a brilliant intellectual who likes
to dress provocatively. The sensuous 23-year-old loves sunbathing, playing
harmonica and imitating Baltimore drug dealers. "My friends call me Big B with
the CP," he says with a wink, refusing to elaborate.
The foxy Fentron loves to flaunt his irresistible chest hair, citing his life philosophy of "open shirts and open minds." But don't take too many liberties with
this libertine; more than one lover has received an eyeful of spit for interrupting
his tobacco-chewing meditation sessions.
Fentron's passion for storytelling led to a brief acting career in America,
consisting of a series of softcore late-night Cinemax flicks. But the gorgeous
lady-killer soon became disillusioned with Hollywood's superficiality, and he
works today as an independent retailer of secondhand sets of Encyclopaedia
Britannica. At night, he likes to troll fortotties in public parks.
"Just do what you love," Fentron urges seductively. Be careful what you wish
for, Draco.
>\
y
i
::v*fc»-4
1
m mm w>» mm
DO YOU fancy having a Page 3 gentleman on your mobile device at 7am? Text
NAUGHTYBOYZ to 33333. Texts cost £10 plus your already overpriced network changes.
THINK YOU have the nadsto be our next Page 3 fox? Make sure to stop by our offices at
Student Union Building 24 with your portfolio. Who knows—you could be the new Draco! UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
UBC
researchers
work to find,
world's cutest
animal
UBC researchers are hard
at work discovering which
animal really is the cutest.
The experiments, led
by zoology professor Spot
Dickspottler, mostly involved
twelve-year-old girls and
overly-caffeinated students
on all night study sessions
in 1KB. Dickspottler and his
team showed both groups
a series of YouTube videos
and measured their 'squee'
responses. Contorted facial
expressions and high-
pitched sounds were also
recorded and noted.
"The results were surprising," said Dickspottler. "The
more videos the students
watched, by the second and
third hour of studying, we
found their responses more
closely resembled the prepubescent girls'."
Researchers were able to
identify trends in cuteness,
such as leg stubbiness,
disproportionate ear-to-face
ratio and roundness of eyes.
Dickspottler compiled a
tentative list of the top 10
cutest animals which included "kittens under three
weeks old," "baby sloths"
and "corgi puppies stuck in
small baskets." There were
separate categories for
"baby monkeys" and "baby
monkeys in costumes."
The research will have
practical application for
advertisers. "For years,
we've seen golden retriever
puppies and cartoon bears
dominate the advertising
market," said Dickspottler. "But this research is
showing that these animals,
compared to baby sloths
and week-old kittens, are
piles of dog shit rolled in
peanuts."
CROWN'S RIOT REVERSAL
AG: "While we initially blamed Surrey for the violence, it
is now clear that it was the work of cnavs."
w
ith the first anniversary ofthe
Stanley Cup Riots
approaching and
fewer than a
dozen convicted in connection
with the violence, BC's Crown
Counsel is seeking to lay blame
on a new group of scapegoats.
"Our initial attempt to blame
the riots on Surrey seem to have
been in error," said BC Attorney General Curly Wand in a
statement to the press today. "It
seems to have been the work of
foreign radicals.
"Specifically, chavs."
Wand said analysis of footage
from the June 16 riots revealed
an inordinate number of rioters
dressed in Burberry tracksuits—a
classicsignthattheyoung ruffians
ofthe English underclass are present.
"The complete lack of fashion
sense should have tipped us off
right away," said Wand.
"But there were always signs."
Wand mentionedthe belligerent
chanting from rioters, which was
investigated using sophisticated
audio spectrum analyzers, as evi-
denceoftheirmalicewhichturned    this means I'm in the clear, right?
out to be in error.
"Originally, we thought they
were chanting 'Fuck the Bruins.'
But it turns out, they were saying
'We're tired of immigration and
Please?" The Provincial Newspaper ran a front-page headline
saying "BRITS GO HOME."
"How we missed this before is
beyond me," said Wand. "Police
We thought they were chanting
Tuck the Bruins.' But it turns out,
they were saying We're tired of
immigration and globalization
consigning us to a lifetime of
lower middle-class drudgery.'
Curly Wand
BC Attorney General
globalization consigning us to a
lifetime of middle-class drudgery.'
"Something got lost in translation," said Wand.
Reaction was swift, as BC Premier Christmas Clarky said, "So
officers on the scene described
being insulted in cockney rhyming slang. We just didn't put the
pieces together until now."
Local chavs are up in arms
over the accusation, arguing that
Wand's remarks perpetuate a vi
cious stereotype.
"Oiinnitbruvv!" said Alec Wil kin-
son, a third-year chav studying
political science at UBC. "I donno
why he finna tink dat."
Many of Wlkinson'sfriends, who
were standi ng around on the street
corner, smoking and discussing
various plans for petty thievery,
agreed with hissentiments." Warru
on about, Wand?" asked one ofthe
chavs to nobody in particular.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister
Stephan Harpoon supported the
attorney general.
"This is another reason why
we need to clamp down on immigration and drive up minimum
sentencing for all crimes in our
new massive prisons," Harpoon
said, before distracting the assembled media corps by adding
"Look over there! A shiny penny!"
The Vancouver Police Department said they'll likely be taking
action againstthe chavs in the next
few months. They are currently
working on a poster that identifies
known chavs and offers tips on
how to identify them on the street.
"Ifyou see a chav, report it," the
poster says. UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
Death rates among smart car owners are way up, and auto industry
experts say it's in part due to the
driver's debilitating shame.
More and more lorries are
crushing smart cars from behind
because they're too small—and
owners who understand their fate
are more than willing to comply
with their impending deaths.
However, the smart car industry
is attempting an all-out public
relations campaign to cover up the
horrifying toll their products take
on mental health.
Also, cancer.
One owner recently died after
he drove the smart car into a concrete barrier at full speed, but the
Low Speed Collision Investigation
Unit allegedly covered up the true
cause ofthe accident.
According to the coroner's
report, the 64-year-old man died
when he lost control of his smart
car driving at full speed on the
M25, and swerved into oncoming
traffic to avoid a hedgehog.
But a prominent car expert says
this simply can't be true.
"Full speed on the M25? No way
he died from crashing at 35 mph.
What utter bollocks, but it's all you
expect from these government
twats," said Jeremy Clarkson,
host ofthe BBC's Top Gear, while
gently foaming at the mouth.
"I can see it all being fabricated
by a bunch of Welsh sheep shag-
gers, bloody immigrants. Eco-nazi
conspiracy. Arabs. Speed cameras. Wankers! BBBLLRRRGGH."
Beer-Standard intern Kieran
Norton, who got an A2 in GCSE
biology, believes the report also
leaves unanswered questions.
"He's obviously a tosspot, how
do we know he didn't get cancer
from the dioxins in the steering
wheel? We shouldn't rule out
anything."
A smart car may also be
responsible for a murderous rampage in which a man attempted to
kill his entire family after taking a
smart car for a test-drive.
He was later hospitalized for
brain cancer and died a slow and
terrible death, plagued by guilt of
his crimes and the shame of being
seen in such a disgusting vehicle.
Yet the industry has refused to
speak about this matter. In fact,
when contacted they were dismissive ofthe growing concerns by
consumers, accusing the Beer-
Standard of having a laugh.
"You're not serious. That's
the stupidest thing I've heard all
week," said a representative ofthe
smart car company.
However, she could not provide
any evidence that smart cars have
never caused suicides or cancer.
The truth continues to be
buried.
We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we unequivocally stated that we
had disclosed all relationships between Ubyssey
editors and AMS Executives.
We forgot to mention that
TayTay Lorena also worked
for The Ubyssey Beer Standard for three months. We
profusely apologize.
- Justine McMurdoch,
Beer-Standard Publisher
The cycling world once more
is in crisis after allegations that
Valentino Rossi cheated to win
last year's Tour de France using
performance enhancers.
Rossi made his cycling debut
last year and stunned the world
by winning every single stage
ofthe Tour in unprecedented
fashion, hours ahead ofthe
next-fastest rider.
However tongues are wagging that he has been using
illegal performance enhancers, like an internal combustion
engine. His choice of equipment
provoked a stir when he first
entered the competition.
For example, Rossi opted to
wear a heavy full-body leather
suit and a helmet with full-face
mask, much unlike the equipment used by other competitors.
UBC all-star motorbike
racer, Ellen Tayyern, said that
he wears the same suit when
racing.
"Leather isn't really an odd
choice for a cyclist. Wait, was it
spandex leather?"
Further suspicions were
raised by the cans of petrol carried by his team.
A pundit with Italian television
said the controversy is the result
of hysteria and jealousy.
"If someone wins the Tour
de France there's always these
accusations now. I think Rossi's
proven himself as a champion
before and he'll get over these
baseless allegations.
"People have assumed that
just because his bike is a lot
heavier and bigger than the
other ones, he's hiding some
kind of twin cylinder, 8-valve
Desmodromic, liquid cooled
850cc engine capable of 140hp
at 10,500 rpm under there. That
just isn't true.
"If anything the fact that his
bike weighs about 180kg, compared to his competitors who
can simply pick up their bikes
with one hand, it is a disadvantage for him if anything."
Rossi's racing team Ducati
would not comment on the
controversy.
JK Rowling is a munter
New series by acclaimed, author will push
the boundaries of science and sex appeal
Sources close to noted multimillionaire JK Rowling have
confirmed that she intends to pen
a new series of novels following
the success of Harry Potter.
The books will feature a plucky
trio of school chums who must
save Britain from the clutches of a
raspy-voiced, hairless villain.
The central protagonist, distinguishable by a comet-shaped
port wine birthmark on his face,
struggles with his dark past
throughout the series. But the
three friends still manage to get
up to mischief and jolly times at
their boarding school in the idyllic
English countryside.
Rowling, who reportedly owns
a solid diamond bidet, was heard
to say that the new novel would
be a dramatic step outside of her
comfort zone as a writer.
Sources living near Rowling's
estate in Aberfeldy, Scotland
have heard her yelling obscenities late into the night, punctuated
by faux-Latin phrases such as
"WRITO GOODUS!" and "FINITO
WRITER'S BLOCKUS!"
Rowling was also heard repeatedly shouting, "I'M RICHER
THAN THE QUEEN!"
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard's
photographer has captured exclu
sive images ofthe author feverishly cutting passages out of The
Prisoner of Azkaban, crossing out
character names and gluing the
pieces onto construction paper.
The first instalment in Rowling's new series will be published
within the year, coinciding with a
video game, theme park, line of
action figures, children's breakfast cereal and major motion
picture. A Britain-wide casting call
has already begun its search for
three new child stars.
"We're mainly searching for
three children with different hair
colours, for diversity," the casting
director probably said.
Although Warner Bros, declined to comment on this top-secret film, memos obtained by The
Ubyssey Beer-Standard reveal
that approximately two-thirds of
the ninety-minute run time will be
made up of cameos. Forty British
actors and actresses, all of whom
have been knighted, are already
slated to appear in the film.
"Quite right," Dame Maggie
Smith was heard to say, adding,
"Pip pip."
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard
was unable to reach Rowling's
literary agent for comment on the
upcoming series. UBYSSEY BEER-STAND/
londay, April 2, 2012
INTERVIEWER
APPEARS IN
SEX TAPE
Canadian media icon Nardwear
has had a sex tape leaked, which
commentators have called "bizarre," "obscene" and "a thoroughly well-researched encounter."
The tape shows the famous interviewer performing a multitude of
sex acts on, with and around two
women who appear to be in their
early-to-mid-twenties: the oft-rumoured but never-seen "Nardwear
Groupies."
Nardwear has denied that the
tape was a publicity stunt attempting to get him an appearance on
the David Letterman Show.
"Nope," he told the Ubyssey
Beer-Standard, before sprinting
away, cackling wildly to himself.
Wthin the video, Nardwear and
the women move in various locations throughout UBC's Student
Union Building.
He begins the video almost
totally nude, but keeping on his
trademark plaid tarn and a pair of
knee-high knit socks patterned
with bright pink fleur-de-lis.
At various points, he stops the
action to ask the two women to
engage in the "hip-flip" with him,
a sexual position involving a 1968
Hasbro toy fitted with a 12-inch
projectile.
The women perform various
perverse actions on Nardwear;
shaving his chest mid-coitus,
pouring a can of creamed corn
down his neck and pepper-
spraying him a number of times in
erotic APEC reenactments.
Sonic Youth frontman Thurston Moore also makes a brief
appearance in the video.
Throughout the video, Nardwear
demonstrates the intense research
skills he is known for. Half-way
through, he informs one ofthe
women that he has a gift for her.
He proceeds to pulls out a pair of
red, lace women's underwear and
asks "Do you know what this is?!"
The woman, who appeared confused, said that she had no idea.
"This is the underwear you were
wearing the night you lost you're
virginity," he yelled out before barking like a dog.
He also starting singing "Forever
Young" which he claimed was the
first track on a mix-tape given to
one of the women by her second
serious boyfriend, Chris.
Since it's release a week ago,
the video has gone viral online,
with a censored YouTube version
recieveing over ten million hits. /
The video ends with all three        _\
participants lying on the floor,
covered in poutine, with Nardwuar
repeating his catchphrase "Doot
Doola Doot doo" again and again.
Doot doot, Nardwear. Doot doot
EDITOR    Nigel Hornberry
kx with athlete1
MY NIGHT
WITH A
CANADIAN
FOOTBALLER
EXCLUSIVE
He keeps one hand on
my back and uses
the other to open the
door to a restaurant I
could never afford. But tonight
it doesn't matter. Tonight I am
out with Thunderbirds quarterback William Redd.
When we are shown to
our table, he pulls out my
chair. I compliment him on his
'gentlemanlyness'. He throws
his head back and chuckles.
"It's funny because that's
not a real word," he says between huge, gulping laughs.
It's loud and it's attracting
attention from other patrons,
but it's also William Redd, so I
try to laugh like he does-like a
frog swallowing marbles.
Wlliam Redd doesn't
look at the menu. When the
waiter arrives, he orders two
surf and turf specials. "I'm
a vegan," I say and William
Redd laughs again. His mouth
is open wide and I can see
down the back of his throat.
He looks at the waiter. "Women. Am I right? Just make
hers well done. And give us
a bottle ofyour house red." I
begin to protest but Wlliam
Redd covers my hand with his
and the waiter is gone.
I set my tape recorder discretely on the end of the table.
"Is that really necessary?"
William Redd asks. "Let's just
keep tonight between us."
I explain to him that tonight
is about the article I'm writing.
Despite his dark suit and the
wine, it's not a date.
He winks. "You say that
now."
William Redd takes a bite of
his lobster, a bite of his steak
and chews them together.
When he's done, he looks at
my uneaten food and asks,
"Are you going to finish that?"
Meat juice dribbles down his
chin. He wipes his mouth with
the back of his hand.
"I miss going out," he says.
His voice cracks. "Coach
works us so hard."
His eyes begin to well up
and he covers his face with
his hands.
His fingers are shiny with
meat grease. His shoulders
shake as he cries. I reach
over and pat his arm.
"There, there, Wlliam
Redd. You train pretty hard,
don't you?"
Wlliam Redd nods then
blows his nose into his napkin.
When he's composed himself,
he smiles wolfishly.
"Do you wanna see my Hec
Crighton?"
I agree and William Redd
stands up. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from his wallet
and tosses it on the table. As
we're sitting in his car, waiting
for the light to turn green, he
leans over and whispers.
"You're my little pigskin."
I PAID FOR MY OWN DRINK
ONE WOMAN'S HORROR STORY
I'm a normal, beautiful woman
looking for love in the city. But last
night I learned the hard way how
quickly things can get downright
dark for us single gals.
It all started when I, bright-eyed
and eager, convinced some of my
girlfriends to accompany me to
the Pit. We were only looking
for a drink and a chance to
socialize, and maybe find
our lifelong soul mates. My
mother taught me that when a
handsome man looks my way
I should bat my eyelashes and
hike up my skirt. So when a well-
shaped bloke I'd been eyeing at
the bar waved me over, I didn't
miss a beat.
If only I knew what I was
in for.
At first, "Joe" seemed promising. He complimented my dress
and even asked my name. I was
already picturing in my head how
we would look together in my
profile picture.
"I loooooove Sex on the Beach,"
I giggled, giving him the perfect
opportunity to make a dirty comment. He repeated my order to
the bartender, and shortly the
drink was set between us. It stood
there for a few moments before
I, being the lady that I am, acted
as though I were reaching to my
purse for money.
Much to my despair, my hands
were not immediately swatted
away by an Amex Gold card.
I paid for that drink with my
own money. And after I did, "Joe"
continued making small talk, as
though his behaviour was not a
direct affront to God and man. He
asked me what classes I was taking, and how I liked UBC, but all I
could do was nod while I choked
back tears.
Reality hit me hard that night. I
realized I was a hideous monster
destined to a life without companionship, doomed to a solitary
existence by the callousness of
the male sex.
This is a word of warning,
ladies! Before you go striking up
a conversation with your future
husband, make sure he's the type
of man who knows how to treat a
woman right.
For my part, I've lost all hope of
every finding "Mr Right."
I learned my lesson so you
don't have to! UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
PROF WATCH!
Professor Rose Orangefield
Pink or white hair? Who cares! You're a GILF, Professor Orangefield, and
don't you forget it. But I know you won't let it get to your head. You're critical,
and won't take bogus claims like arsenic-based life forms at face value. I know
you'd dig deep into my carbon-based body and bring out the best in me. I've
fallen asleep to thoughts of you cleaning my microscope—thoroughly. I know
you're open about your research, but I hope once we get together you keep this
experiment under wraps. Don't think that I'm embarrassed, but with a reputation
like yours, I'm sure it's best to keep this in my drawers. Find me in the first row,
Mrs. O.
Professor Mattyews
I walked into your class last year by accident. I've never seen a grown man look so
good wearing a shirt that has a working set of drums on it. But it was this playfulness that really lured me in past your sweaty exterior. You started playing a
sick beat on your tummy, and my heart started to thump along with it. Ever
since then I can't stop thinking about you. I gravitated to you like an electron to an ionized nucleus. I study creative writing, you teach rocket science, but I'll find ways to bring our bond together. I'd ride your rocket
to the stars any day. Let's keep this heartbeat rhythm you started
going strong and hard.
Correction
We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we stated, "The line of inappropriate behaviour ends here," promising that all unethical behaviour had been
disclosed by the Beer-Standard.
Regrettably, this is not true. It has come to our attention that Kay
Turquoise, while an Editor at the Beer-Standard, had an ongoing
relationship with Jeremiah McMurdoch, former AMS President
and cousin of Justine McMurdoch.
Christ. Damn it. We should have seen that. Alright, that's it. WE
PROMISE.
@raul_pachecko
I've never seen you in person before, but I've fallen for you over
Twitter. You're twice my age and yet your social media skills
are of a 14 year old—constant and second-nature. Every tweet
makes me hot, like each word is a sensual caress. I've stayed
home more than once to just read each one of them as they
come in, getting more and more aroused. Some nights you're
such a tease and stop before I can finish. I don't care whether
you're tweeting about politics or wine tasting, you have me
twitterpated. What classes do you teach? Do your appearances live up to your tweets? Hummingbirds can mate,
right? Actually, it doesn't matter, I like how our relationship
is now. Just don't stop tweeting.
Professor Christian Erickman
When I first saw you, I couldn't believe my eyes. Would
I actually be able to learn Locke, explore Marx and find
political allegories in Where The Wild Things Are from
such a beautiful man? Socialist or fascist, I honestly
wouldn't have minded where you stood. But you swept
me right across the political spectrum. You may have
taught me Machiavelli, but ifyou're with me you'll always       H|^
feel like The Prince. Let's meet up sometime, or maybe I'll
just have to take advantage ofyour office hours—after hours.
Wth groups like New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys selling out stadiums, some are wondering if there's more than nostalgia
behind the sudden resurgence of boy bands.
The Gonnelly Pub Group is willing to take the risk and is backing
the city-wide search for a new five-piece fantasy group.
Mr Gonnelly himself says that he doesn't see this as a revival of boy
bands, but as a new stream.
"This stream of boy band popularity is completely disconnected
from the first wave in the 90s. The second wave is actually being
imported from Korea, where K-pop boy bands never went out of style."
Gonnelly said they'll be holding auditions at UBC in the near future
for the roles ofthe sporty, smart, and peppy boys, while they will audition for the bad-boy type in East Van.
But president of the K-pop fanclub, SoYoung Kim, said she's going
to be protesting the auditions.
"Korea never lost respect for boy bands. You can't just throw them
to the side and pick them back up whenever you want. It's totally
disrespectful."
Still, Kim said she will probably listen to the new band anyway, as
long as the members have carefully feathered hair.  Quiz: Are you
pregnant? 10
UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
yy man has confessed
to fantasizing about
being colonized. I don't
share his fantasies, but
I am willing to accommodate him.
Where do I start?
—Sun Never Sets
First of all, SNS, give yourself a
pat on the back! Not all women
are so willing to indulge their male
partners. Hopefully your man recognizes your willingness to brutally
subjugate him as a sign of devotion
to your relationship!
Secondly, remember that you
are not alone. Colonization is a
common fantasy among men in
the UK. A 2008 poll showed that
14 per cent ofthe male population is aroused by fantasies about
being subjected to the grossest
transgressions ofthe 19th century
British Empire.
To start, you are going to need
a pith helmet, a bullwhip and a
sachet of spices/looseleaf tea.
Once you've committed to the
colonial lifestyle, you may wish to
invest in more elaborate gear, such
as full naval/army uniform, af.E.
Lawrence faux-Arab getup, or a
horse. Some colonialists even pay
ethnic-looking men to carry them
around on palanquins, but labour
laws and safety standards make
this approach paperwork-heavy
Your man will play the role of a
colonized country. He can choose
one, or you can pick one yourself.
Remember: Afghanistan was
never successfully conquered!
Yourjobistowearthe pith helmet and lash your man—arousing-
ly—with the bullwhip. Make sure
not to leave any thick, pus-oozing
welts in areas that your man would
not normally cover with his work
clothing. While he may be comfortable playing Empire with you, he
may not be ready to "come out" to
his friends and associates.
Prior to beginning colonial play,
your husband must take care
to insert the sachet of spices/
tea in his anus. This is where the
"colon" in "colonization" comes
in. The spices/tea represent the
natural resources ofthe country
you represent, and your financial
incentive for brutally oppressing
and dehumanizing the occupants
of that country/the man you are
involved with.
Your goal, as colonist, is to strike
your man on and around his fitfully
clenched sphincter until either
it dilates, releasing the precious
spices/tea from the colon's grip, or
the subject faints from blood loss.
Colonization play opens a whole
new world of possibilities to any
open-minded couple. So go forth
and do your duty, SNS, for God
and country!
/ am an American man currently
dating an English woman. She
says she feels uncomfortable kissing me because my teeth "aren't
awful enough." What should I do?
—Nine out of ten Dentists
Approve
How unfortunate, NOOTDA!
1USAN
UNKS
lovechunks@ubybe
.uk
THE SEX COLUMN YOU
READ ONE-HANDED
Most likely, your beau's previous flings have all been with UK
citizens like herself. Luckily, your
problem is not uncommon. Many
of us Brits are put off the first time
we encounter a full set of reasonably straight, at least off-white
teeth for the first time in person.
The important thing is to take
things slowly, and do your best
to bring the quality of your smile
down to English levels of horren-
dousness.
Consuming 20 to 30 cups of
strong tea daily is a good place to
start. Take care, when drinking tea,
to hold it in your mouth as long as
possible, swishing it around for up
to a minute before swallowing. You
really need to let the tea particles
sink in. After a while your pearly
whites should develop a brownish
patina, not far from the colour of
one of your American pennies.
Next, a smoking habit is essential. Stick to hand-rolled, unfiltered
cigarettes. When you finish a cigarette, stub it out on your tongue,
then chew up the butt and work
the bits of tobacco into the gums
at the base of your teeth. This will
not only aid proper colouring, but
remove your tastebuds, making
British cuisine seem palatable,
even vibrant.
Finally, you need to unstraighten
your teeth. Costly dental surgery
can take care of this, but a better bet is to go out to a pub on a
Saturday night and find a bloke
with six or seven generations of
inbreeding in him. He'll be wearing a football shirt. Loudly insult
the name of the football club on
his shirt. Doing this will free you
of some extra incisors, as well
as hopefully knocking the whole
gleaming mouth-mass permanently awry.
One final tip: It isn't necessary
to give up brushing your teeth.
Just switch to an English brand of
toothpaste, one that consists of at
least 90 per cent heavy cream and
includes the recommended daily
dose of treacle or custard.
In a few weeks' time, you should
have those perfect white rows
reduced to the crumbling stack of
infected bone we Brits consider so
eminently kissable.
Help! My hubby refuses to wear
a black latex gimp suit and eat out
my asshole while I flagellate the
head of his penis with a frayed
telephone cord. Is our marriage
failing?
—Is This The End?
I think you know the answer to
this question, ITTE. The warning
signs are right in front of you. Any
husband who isn't willing to make
accommodation's for his wife's
sexual preferences is a husband
who can't be trusted.
Normally, I would recommend
divorcing your husband immediately, and finding someone who
can fulfill your (perfectly natural
and shameless) needs. However, I
also understand how difficult it can
be to leave a committed relationship. After all, there is a chance
the two of you could make this
work out.
If your husband is squeamish
about shoving his tongue up your
anus, try investing in a sturdy
enema kit with at least a one year
limited warranty. There is a big difference between a fully-cleansed
asshole and one which is flecked
with dried fecal matter.
What is your husband's favourite
type of jam or preserve? Smear
ing some on the area you wish to
be orally pleasured will encourage
enthusiastic licking.
In regards to the gimp suit, look
for one with a pattern or colour that
appeals to your husband. If he is
working class man, you can't go
wrong with Burberry plaid.
There is no way around the matter of glans-flogging. This is a line
in the sand. If your husband will not
allow you to mercilessly flog the
sensitive tip of his erect organ, he
does not truly love you.
Hopefully this helps, ITTE!
Remember, there are plenty of
potential sex objects out there. If
this one doesn't work for you, you
can look forward to the process
of shopping around for a husband
who will submit to your healthy,
sex-positive whims.
Correction
We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we unequivocally stated that we
had disclosed all relationships
between Ubyssey editors and
AMS Executives. We forgot to
mention that TayTay Lorena
also worked forThe Ubyssey
for three months. We profusely
apologize.
- Justine McMurdoch,
Beer-Standard Publisher
Elevator ride with
Stepan Troope
The president's dramatic encounte
with the lift had many observers
grasping for words.
President Troope had just left
a crucial executive conference
yesterday afternoon when he and
his entourage encountered some
trouble with the building lift. After
he approached the doors, Troope
pushed the button designed to
bring the carriage to his floor.
Unfortunately, things didn't quite go
according to plan.
Despite the button lighting up,
observers were shocked to see
nothing arrive at Troope's location.
"Usually the doors open pretty
soon, but that didn't happen," said
a bystander.
Surveillance cameras on
location reveal that the president
was forced to wait for almost a full
minute.
The drama ended when, with a
ding, the lift doors finally opened.
Reports say Troope then descended several floors, and was able to
safely exit the building.
As of printing, there is yet no
word as to what caused the unprecedented delay.
Troope's spokesman commented
on the incident, promising change.
"The president's staff [are devoted
to him, and will seek out] alternate
travel arrangement if this continues
to be [as difficult of a disruption as
it was today]."
News ofthe incident travelled
fast on social networking sites.
Twitter was going mad after reports
were first leaked.
But a close friend of Troope's,
who wished to remain unnamed,
revealed the presidents feeling on
the matter. "He had quite a shock.
After the amount of time spent
developing UBC's structures, he
has certain expectations. [The
president] was really shaken."
Goodnight President Troope
is a new children's picture book
arriving summer of 2012. Lovingly
illustrated by Anne Glassier, this
is sure to be a bedtime classic for
years to come.
Share the glory with future
generations, and order your copy
of Goodnight President Troope
by calling our sales line at 02835
770319.
WIN GREAT PRIZES IN THE BEER-STANDARD'S GIVEAWAY CONTEST!
_M_m3z
mciudmg^Sfe^iSiii
TO£D33li5gS©©^,^sQ^
HDGGflHTSHIli] QBptfMl^p^  12
UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012
UBYSSEY
I
I WAS A
Landon Brown was just an ordinary foreign-exchange student
from England who fancied the
game of Quidditch... at least
that's what everyone thought.
But Brown had a deep, dark
secret.
"Every time I went for Quidditch practice, I would disappear
for hours just to fly to Hogwarts
to bring back wizard drugs,"
said Brown, a gaunt boy of 20,
who plays Seeker on the UBC
Quidditch team.
"We always just thought he
was a crap player," said one of
his Quidditch teammates who
wished to remain anonymous.
"Sometimes we'll finish the
game and he'll be on the losing
team and he'll act really prissy
like he got something up his
arse."
Indeed, there was something
up Landon Brown's buttocks.
With his broomstick, he would
fly to Hogwarts, a boarding
school near England. There,
Brown said the organization
he was part of, the so-called
Inquisitorial Squad, would shove
up his rectum small vials of a
liquid drug called Felix Felicis
and another called Amortentia.
Both drugs are known to cause
giddiness and whimsy for the
user.
Brown would then fly back to
UBC and resume playing the
Quidditch game, often claiming
he just could not find the Snitch
and had a wedgie.
Brown, who was a self-
proclaimed wizard gangsta, is
more of a wizard wanksta, as he
failed to successfully transport
a quarter-pound of Floo Powder
last Friday after UBC Security
arrested him in the middle of a
Quidditch practice. Since the arrest, he has been kicked off the
Quidditch team and is currently
being held in custody in a sm;
windowless prison.
«M ,
*fePHL
i m
i
He claimed
his sister, Lavender Brown,
was the one
who put him
up to this. "I
didn't want
to! But she
has powers
and I'm just a
squib."
A close
said that Brown was not only
a smuggler of these foreign
drugs, but was also a dealer.
His usual hangout was at the
study carrels in the book stacks
ofthe Irving Barber Learning
Centre—selling to anyone who
could cough up the big bucks
for the potent drugs. The potions allegedly sold for up to
£250 for a 35ml vial.
An unnamed third-year
snort so much Floo Powder, I
like I was in two places at once.
Bloody expensive though."
"No one man should have all
that pow[d]er...." Brown burst
out crying.
His pee sample, which Brown
discarded carelessly and
which we obtained very legally,
showed traces of rainbow swirls
and there was liquid gold in his
stool.
He said his organization
wanted to target a new group of
buyers who would be interested
in out-
of-this-world substances that
made ecstasy seem like M&Ms
and cocaine as plain as rice
cakes.
UBC President S. Troope
said he does not get involved
in international drug affairs.
"I don't get involved in non-
mugg—I mean, international
drug affairs." He later got his
new undersecretary, Draco
Malfoy, to retract the previous
statement.
queenlingerie
^^gL___T,lfc>
corr blimey! make your fun bags look like these at our downtown store
queensnickers.co.i

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