UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Dec 9, 2010

Item Metadata

Download

Media
ubysseynews-1.0126129.pdf
Metadata
JSON: ubysseynews-1.0126129.json
JSON-LD: ubysseynews-1.0126129-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): ubysseynews-1.0126129-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: ubysseynews-1.0126129-rdf.json
Turtle: ubysseynews-1.0126129-turtle.txt
N-Triples: ubysseynews-1.0126129-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: ubysseynews-1.0126129-source.json
Full Text
ubysseynews-1.0126129-fulltext.txt
Citation
ubysseynews-1.0126129.ris

Full Text

Array 3fo* WAttt
VOL. XCII.
The Yearly Satire Issue Brought to you by the Publications Board of the University of British Columbia.
VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, DECEMBER 9, XXXX
No. 27
Students Aid
Japanese Boat!
AMS wades into the Russo-
Japanese conflict with seventy
dollar donation
A Firestorm of controversy has spread like wildfire across campus as the United Workers Against Economic Injustice (UWAEI)
has attempted to donate seventy dollars to an aid steam ship
intended to provide aid to the Japanese, who are embroiled in
a war against Russia. Pro-Russian factions across campus, including the Russia Awareness Club (RAC), are up in arms about
the move, as the student body splits into "Camps."
Founded upon a doctrine of Bolshevism and permanent revolution, UWAEI is famous on campus for its controversial political maneuvers. According to Ted Sturgeon, president and founder of UWAEI, this large sum of student fees will support the SS
God's Grace, a relief steam ship to sail for Osaka next month
to provide food items and medical tools to aid the Japanese in
their struggle against the Russian imperialists in Manchuria.
"Workers of the world must be in solidarity with one another against the Imperialist powers," said Sturgeon. "The time
has come for the workers' revolution. We shall never surrender our autonomy!"
However, the RAC stands firmly against UWAEI's attempted donation. Kolya Goundarev, president of the RAC and an international student from Russia, explained that this donation
is a personal attack on the Russian minority on campus and is
meant only to inflame British colonialist aspirations.
"Although they preposterously claim to represent worker solidarity, UWAEI is a puppet of the British Colonial government.
The British have united with the Japanese to prevent Mother Russia from realizing her birth right as the central power in
the East," said Goundarev. "By allowing UWAEI to take a side
in this war, UBC is making a strong political statement which
proves their allegiance to Anglo-Saxon world domination and
their propagation of this racist mandate."
"Furthermore," said Goundarev, "if UWAEI actually followed
their mandate, they would agree with our reading of the political
situation." However, when asked about the status of workers and
political freedoms in Russia, Goundarev refused to comment.
This is not the first time that UBC has become embroiled in
an international controversy. Last year, AMS President Flake
Rhetoric filed a complaint to the Congress of Berlin protesting
the human rights catastrophe in Austria-Hungary.
Students around campus are divided, and nothing has partitioned the student body to this degree since the proposal to allow women on campus.
"I think we ought to be supporting King George," said Miles
Tester, a Junior Law student. "Canada is a British colony, and
thus, I support whichever side the British are on."
Jakob Wolanskii, a Sophomore History student, was not in
agreement. "Japan is the aggressor in this conflict. They attacked the Russian naval fleet at Port Arthur before the Tsar
received their official declaration of war. Russia is simply defending her territory. My opinion is clearly superior."
Thus far, the money transfer has not been approved, and the
SS God's Grace remains docked in Vancouver's harbour. However, AMS President B. Jean Amadienne has told people "not
to worry," as he will use his expertise in conflict management
to diffuse the situation and bring peace to campus once more.
FOR A MERE SEVENTY DOLLARS, THIS BOAT SHALL SET SAIL PAST THE INFAMOUS KAMCHATKA PENINSULA
Group Demands UBC
Start Animal Research
What to test on: squirrels or freshmen?
Animal testing: It needs to
begin. And soon.
So says a new student
activist group on campus,
START UBC Animal Research. Fast becoming the
bees' knees with its raucous demonstrations and
marches, the group is taking square aim at UBC's
practice of carrying out
research experiments on
freshman students. "It's
time for this barbaric practice to end," says START'S
spokesperson, Abraham
Frocknocker. "Freshmen
are people too. But rabbits,
most assuredly, are not."
Such statements generate
eye-rolling from Dr. Per-
cival Tugnutts, the director of the UBC branch of
Freshmen Academic Research Testing (FART).
"FART is regularly bombarded by complaints of
this kind, and these activist groups have shown
themselves to be completely disconnected from reality. The fact is that anyone who spends significant time at Frosh can easily see that nothing about
them is human. Furthermore, what we're doing is
completely fine. So fine, in
fact, that there's no need
to investigate."
The controversy stems
from a policy started when
UBC was formed in place
of the McGill University
College of British Columbia. Wanting to distinguish
itself quickly from its predecessor and competitors,
it made the decision to forgo the developing practice
of animal testing in favour
of using first-years. The
benefits of that approach,
however, are being called
into question thanks to the
rising number of protesters on campus and around
the world.
"I don't get what is so
hard to understand about
this," Frocknocker implores. "UBC has adopted
a very controversial policy
of conducting experiments
on people despite the fact
that a completely trouble-
free option exists. Moreover, they refuse to confirm
or deny if they are electrocuting the most adorable
of the Freshmen." Frocknocker continued: "If we
use animals for research,
then all of these problems
go away."
MORE ON
PAGE 3
Heresy on campus! Students rebel! Chaplains urge use ofhoosegaw!
In a horrifying display of contempt for religion and tradition,
a petition for a later, eleven o' clock Sunday Morning Service to be held at the campus church was delivered to Chaplain Mathieu Nailher last Monday.
Our Sister of From Here, the church which gently guides
our campus's Spiritual and Moral life, has been holding services at six in the morning since the school and former brothel was won by Wolf Pickins in a game of cards against Black
Barthalemuel Hankshaw. The petition was signed by twenty
students—most of them Freshmen—and asked that a later
service be held to accommodate students who wished to sleep
in. Attendance at only one of the services would be required.
The document was burnt and salted to prevent it from
serving as a welcome mat for Beelzebub, and its ashes were
deposited in the mouth of the Fraser in a ceremony on Tuesday. UBC President Stephane Toope said that all other matters concerning the document have been attended to.
"I assure you that [the insolent students] who were attempting to hornswoggle us into giving up our heavenly reward have been put on academic probation," said Toope.
"I will not stand for such blasphemous acts against our
Congregation."
When asked if the Freshmen's startling display of Sloth
would put the campus in danger of being swallowed up into the
bowels of hell, Chaplain Nailher said that only time would tell.
MORE ON PAGE 2
Balderdash
and humbug!
Greetings, general public of an
indeterminate future!
As you skip gaily to your
Greek seminar this morning, you
may be wondering "what is this
bygone edition of "The Ubicee"
doing in front of me? Where is
the regular issue of my campus
rag, filled with exploits of the
Glee Club and ever-popular rugby
team? Why am I reading about a
lack of Campus Spirit, a piddling
student government—things
which UBC has long since grown
out of? Shenanigans!"
Resist the urge, natural as
it may be, to take this vexation and suppress it with opium. What you are reading is
nothing more than a Jaunty Loop-Back—or, as the slang
goes, "flashback"—to a time
when our dominion was but a
child, and the sun never set on
the British Empire! I engage in
tomfoolery, of course—the sun
will never set on our glorious
monarch!
This issue, featuring a collection of articles from our fledging days as McGill University College of British Columbia,
is to be revealed to the world
sometime in the New Century,
so that future generations may
look upon it and know that they
are as we were: strong, industrious, free of heebie-jeebies and
accepting of Doukhobors.
I know Not what the Future
holds. Perhaps students, instead of petitioning the local
Magistrate for classes in the
Dark Arts of Medicine, will instead loudly demand that trains
from the sky be able to take
students from the great town
of New Westminster to here.
Further still, perhaps the modern student will read this not
on paper, but on pads created
by everyday fruit!
Lo, it may be nigh possible
to insert advertisements from
the present day upon this paper! May the wonders of Science and Progress, spilling
forth naturally from the Light
of Reason and God, continue
to bless us!
— SPARKY MCBELLBOY THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
VOLUME XCH,    N° XXVI3
EDITORIAL
Coordinating Editor
Sparky McBellboy
News Editor
Archibald Manthorpe
Associate News Editor
Sally Crampton
Culture Editors
Jonathon Wakesfeld & Byron Wayrnes
Associate Culture Editor
Anastasia Zoriachkya
Sjports Editor
Vacant
Features Editor
Record Melanson
Photo Editor
Geoffrey Listerine
Production Manager
Virginia O'Mara
Cojpy Editor
Kathryn Blue
Multimedia Editor
Tabitha Martin-Leroy
Associate Multimedia Editor
Stefania Warren-Windsor
Video Editor
Dan Marino!
Webmaster
Joff Bloke
Room 24, Student Union Building
6138 Student Union Boulevard
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
telegraph: 604.822.2301
BUSINESS
Room 23, Student Union Shack
print advertising: 604.822.1654
business office: 604.822.6681
zeppelin advertising: 604.822.1658
Business Manager
Fernando Parson
Print Ad Sales
Katherine Yates-Lynn
Web Ad Sales
Bonnie   Paul  MacBucci
Accounts
Alexander Hooperson
CONTRIBUTORS
Jonathan Lopez
Martin Parlett
Neal Yonson
Andrew Hood
Brian Piatt
Willam McDonald
Indiana Joel
David Hop
Kellan Higgins
LEGAL
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of
the University of British Columbia. It is published
every Monday and Thursday by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organization, and all students
are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the expressed opinion of the
staff, and do not necessarily reflect the views of
The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University
of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey
Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs
and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission
of The Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press (CUP) and adheres to CUP's
guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words.
Please include your phone number, student number and signature (not for publication) as well as
your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will
be checked when submissions are dropped off at
the editorial office of The Ubyssey; otherwise verification will be done by phone. Perspectives are
opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words
and are run according to space. Freestyles are
opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members.
Priority will be given to letters and perspectives
over freestyles unless the latter is time sensitive.
Opinion pieces will not be run until the identity of
the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey reserves
the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must be received by 12 noon the day
before intended publication. Letters received after
this point will be published in the following issue
unless there is an urgent time restriction or other matter deemed relevant by the Ubyssey staff.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising that if the Ubyssey Publications
Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an
error in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will
not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The
UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or
typographical errors that do not lessen the value
or the impact of the ad.
University
Press
Canada Post Sales
Agreement
Number 0040878022
printea onj[0.0%
reevcledjDaDer
EVENTS
SMALLPOX VACCINE
LOTTERY
Can YOU rest with an easy
mind this Yule-tide, knowing well the next outbreak
of variola vera shan't place
a pox upon YOUR Yule-
tide spirits? If not, sir,
enter your name in the
Church's eleventy-second
annual Smallpox Vaccine
Lottery. There may be as
many as fifty vaccination
shots available, so be in
attendance or be roundly considered a dunce
amongst your peers. Runs
'til the 24th of December, midnight, Fourth Avenue Anglican Church, sixpence a ticket.
HOW   TO   PASS   FOR
WHITE
A symposium for Italian,
Irish and Jewish students
wishing to conceal their
heritages. Learn the skills
and deceptions you can use
to succeed in society, such
as croquet, name pronunciation modification, tea-
drinking and nasal length
diffusion. Hosted by Eunice Platenbaum, nee Esther Goldstein. Runs Sabbath nights 'til the 9th of January, from seven 'til eight at
night, Basement of the Student Union Shack.
CONCERT: UBC
MINSTREL SOCIETY
The ever-popular UBC
Minstrel Society is set
to don the shoe polish
for another barn-burning performance. Runs 'til
the 27th of December, from
the dinner hour 'til twilight,
Great Wooden Theatre, four-
ty pence a head.
COCAINE:   MIRACLE
ELIXIR
Brazilian plantation
owner Joao Vinicius da
Silva provides a presentation on the medicinal benefits of cocaine.
The fantastic substance
is widely employed for
purposes ranging from
the treatment of teething infants to the curing of antisocial behaviors such as melancholy
and hysteria. Does this
wondrous manna hold
the key to a truly Utopian
society? According to da
Silva, most certainly. The
13th of December, from the
eighth to tenth hour, Heb-
badiah Theatre, free samplings to follow.
CHARITY DINNER FOR
THE BETTERMENT OF
URCHINS
Break out your best
moustache wax and your
lady's finest fripperies
for a night of gaiety and
hobnobbing to better the
situation of the lesser
classes. Orphans, who
litter the streets of Terminal City, truly live a
cursed and wretched life.
The UBC Humane Society is hosting a charity
dinner to raise capital
for injections to painlessly put down the urchins. The 24th of December, from the eighteenth to
twentieth hour, The Main
Dining Hall, admission by
donation.
EXOTIC FOOD FAIR
Are you a gourmand, or
merely an adventurous
type? Sample mouth-watering foods prepared
with fantastic spices
from the Orient, including pepper, cinnamon
and salt. For the truly
bold, samples ofthe inferno-conjuring tastes
ofthe chili-fruit, mixed
in moderation amongst
gruel and curds, will be
available. Runs 'til the 16th
of December, from dawn 'til
nightfall, Totem's Clearing.
LONG-LEVITY
SYMPOSIUM
Jumping jehosaphat!
Arnold Octavius, a
man in his early sixties, presents simple
steps that can make life
beyond the thirties an
attainable goal. Some
methods include daily
baths in frigid water
and chastity. The 12"' of
December, from the nineteenth hour 'til dusk, Museum of British Nature and
Cultures, seventeen pence
a head, shindigs and merrymaking to follow.
DAGUERROTYPE SALE
Need you an array of
finery to display upon
your dormitory or lodging-house wall? Proudly display images which
define your character.
From horse-drawn buggies renowned for their
craftsmanship, to lascivious approximations
of giggling women exposing their ankles,
UBC's yearly Daguer-
rotype sale has the designs to base your lifestyle upon. Runs 'til the
16" of December, from the
eighth to the seventeenth
hour, Student Union
Shack.
SCIENCE OF FUTURE-
FANCY, TO-DAY!
Gadzooks! This expo
will showcase amazing
technology ripped from
the pages of H.G. Wells.
You may feel compelled
to call your local witch
hunter when you observe
what appears to be sorcery spewing from gadgets such as the toiletry
seat and iced refrigeration box, but Take Heed!
It is merely the Science
of Modern Man which
brings forth these impressive developments.
The IS" of December, from
the eighth hour 'til sundown, Hebbidiah Theatre,
ten pence a head.
"Heresy"
continued
from page 1
However, he believes that
this blasphemous act was
only the final spike in the
expelled students' railroad
to the inferno.
"When [the heathen students] first began attending
our institution, it was clear
their former pastor had failed
to instill true reverence for
Our Lord," said Chaplain
Nailher. "Their tithing was
well below thirty pence per
dollar earned, they were seen
drinking moonshine in the local stables and I have heard
that they may have previously practiced Pentecostalism."
Only one of the students,
Freshman Elmer "Slim" Fontaine, could be reached for
comment, as he had been captured and placed in stockades
to set an example for the community. He claimed that his
signature appeared on the
parchment unintentionally.
"An old witch tricked me
into signing that," lied the
herectical Fontaine. "When I
heard they wanted to change
mass to eleven o'clock, I was
just as flabbergasted as the
next feller."
NEED A VEHICLE?
LEASES FOR INTERNATIONAL
STUDENTS
1 (888) 583-5231
Ask for Larisa
ut   ,-,    ...!->      •    .    m.-f Affordable Monthly
No Credit Required    ^  _.
1 w   Payments
Low Down Payment ^ Cars & SUVs
Specializing in Imports
Teach English
Abroad
VISIT ITS AT   www.RICHMONDSUBARlT.com
RICHMOND
mm
v   K^—;.
'^^_^&r~
t   i'4
t^^^, ' z
\Z\\\\ \ ]
' //,■'?/
TESOL/TESL Teacher Training
Certification Courses
• Intensive 60-Houi Program
* Classroom Management Techniques
* Detailed Lesson Planning
• ESL Skills Development
* Comprehensive Teaching Materials
• Interactive Teaching Practicum
* Internationally Recognized Certificate
• Teacher Placement Service
* Money-Back Guarantee Included
• Thousands of Satisfied Students
OXFORD SEMINARS
604-683-3430/1-800-269-6719
www.oxfordseminars.ca
TIRED OF FEELING
FEELINGS?
Try Cornelius's patented
EMOTION
SUPRESSING
TINCTURE
Effective at quelling
public displays of:
JOY
PRIDE
LOVE
ADIVDRATION
PANIC
CHOLERIC
REMORSE
PHLEGM DECEMBER 9, XXXX
THE UBICEE
Smoking banned from classrooms!
UBC banned smoking in
classrooms last week in a
controversial move designed
to reduce class sizes while
keeping enrolment high.
"This University is a business, you see?" said President Stephane Toope, sporting a long twisted moustache
and a pinstripe suit. "Students will have to leave class
to smoke now, leaving seats
open for us to sell to more
students. It's brilliant, see?"
The decision has come
under criticism from the
Department of Comparative Brain Studies, which
issued a statement yesterday warning the university about the health implications of reduced classroom smoking.
"Everyone knows that
smoking increases blood
flow to the brain," said Chair
Dr Loose Cashmith. "They're
also proven to help lung capacity and increase your sex
drive. How are our athletes
going to perform this year
when they can only smoke on
the field or at home?"
As usual, AMS President
B. Jean Amadienne completely supported the move,
going out of his way to ban
smoking in AMS Council
Chambers, Executive offices and ordering a $6000 renovation to his office to replace his giant cigar-smoking chair with a more orderly seat: a black snake-
skin couch imported from
Alabama.
"I completely and wholeheartedly agree with UBC."
said Amadienne. "As for the
smoking ban in classrooms,
I support that as well."
The ban has come under
criticism from the newly-
created Suffragette Justification Centre (SJC).
"This is a move on UBC's
part to limit feminine participation in traditional male-
dominated activities," said
unofficial SJC representative Ted Sturgeon. "Now
that women can vote, UBC
is looking for ways to strike
back at them in any way it
can."
Local Jass band leader
Mick Flaherty spoke against
the ban as well.
"Applesauce! This decision is all wet. UBC don't
know from nothing. Smoking in class can keep a hep
cat from getting the heebie-
jeebies, especially if he's
spifflicated."
A recent study from
Health Canada corroborated Flaherty's assertions.
New Student Union Shack most "sustainable!"
At a press scrum yesterday,
Vice President Administration Katherine Dover-Jenkins
announced that the new Student Union Shack (SUS) would
be the most sustainable two-
room building in the world.
This sent many into hysterics
of a positive sort, which was
followed by a general confusion as to what "sustainability" actually meant.
"I think it means to last a
long while?" said one student
who attended the announcement. "That's good. The last
SUS was knocked down in
that windstorm last year, so
this one definitely needs to
be more sustainable."
Specifics of the "sustainable" SUS include oil—rather than coal—generated power, water imported directly
via aqueducts and a monthly "re-cycle" program, where
the leftover foods are given
to disadvantaged youths.
Dover-Jenkins also let the
scribblers, this reporter included, know that the new
shack would have 24/7 light—
twenty-four hours a week,
seven months a year. Further, she added that the SUS
would have space for close to
a dozen clubs to use for three
hours weekly.
"For too long, UBC students
have had to make due in an
overcrowded, poorly lit and
inefficient space," she said.
"This ends now."
Students have been
a'twitter over the possibility
PROPOSED TWO ROOM
STUDENT UNION BUILDING
ill: PS
of expanded food options in
the new building, with whispers of offerings from the
Orient in store. However, Dover-Jenkins would make no
such promises.
"Raw fish lined with seaweed?" she asked, chortling
all the while. "That shan't
ever see a lineup."
The update won plaudits
from all manner of people,
who were impressed that Dover-Jenkins was able to oversee the development of the
five-figure project in spite
of her womanhood.
"I know them new-fangled
empowered ladies can take
classes with us, but design
where we live?" said one student. "Next they'll want to
be doctors and lawyers too."
Despite her inability to vote,
Dover-Jenkins managed to
best the competition last election and has stayed controversy-free in a year where the financial skullduggery and international conflicts have infested student politics. Often
times this year, as scandal has
aroused the passions of students, she has taken to engraving into rocks short messages
reminding people ofthe shack.
The SUS is scheduled to be
built in four years time.
Students demand a UBC Road!
"What this university needs is a road!" said UBC professor
Danny Sazaki Monday morning at a rally to garner support
for what have some have called a 'UBC Path.' "Must we continue to endure the humiliation of transferring from gravel
to dirt once we cross Blanca?"
For too long, the student body has been denied a road for
easier access to the University. Despite repeated calls and
heated arguments from the students, the University drags its
feet on the topic of constructing a new road, instead looking
for 'alternative' options. Currently, supplies and materials are
delivered by boat at Wreck Beach or by mule through the very
forests that students must cross every day should they wish
to attend their lectures or examinations.
"Every day, hundreds of students travel to UBC, and are
forced to machete their way through Pacific Spirit Forest,"
said the virile and gregarious Vice-President External, Jedidi-
ah MacElroy. "Yet despite this boondoggle, the Government of
the day wishes to expand transportation into the backwoods
of Surrey. Literally, there is nothing in Surrey but backwoods,"
he added, stroking his luxurious yet masculine beard.
The forest hosts an array of problems for students making
the daily trek into and out of the wood: wild animals, such as
coyotes, bears and an endless horde of territorial squirrels;
rowdy forest dwellers whose traps and caches litter the forest and an unforgiving landscape, to name but a few. These
problems present dangers to students that are not only dire
to their health, but also to their academic reputation should
they be inconvenienced.
While a road would be the most efficient path for students,
there have been previous attempts with very mixed results.
In the spring of this past year, several Arts students set out
to create a map based on the position of the stars and on areas most traveled. Unfortunately, the trees proved to be too
dense a canopy for any positioning to be done and the ever-
changing landscape became problematic for the team.
The Science faculty attempted to forge a route through the
forest in what was supposed to a controlled burn, a flaming
path in the night that would burn itself out by morning. Due
to an unaccounted for margin of error, it quickly turned into
a raging inferno in the blink of an eye.
"Raging inferno? Who keeps coming up with this poppycock?" retorted James 'Firetrap' Johnson, the Junior Science
student that lit the pile of flammable chemicals on that fateful night. "It really wasn't the big, scary blaze that people love
to describe it as. Besides, the rain put it out in a few days."
Determined to find a more direct approach that didn't involve chemical reactions or a reliance on the sky, the Engineers sought about finding an alternative route upon seeing
the failures of the other faculties and, inexplicably, sought
the most complex method possible. A tunnel was proposed,
designed, and begun. The angle and direction of the tunnel
would have it bypass the entire forest to emerge at the Student Union Shack with smaller side-tunnels to provide access
to the forest. Construction was halted by Stephen Toope for
suspiciously unstated reasons.
"You see, all these fluid thinkers have it all wrong," according to Brett Samson, a Sophomore Engineering student. "A
tunnel is classic, it is immune to the seasons and strategically important. Either way, the underground tunnel will survive
in one form or another. There will be a use for it."
Despite the seemingly never-ending delays in creating a
road to campus, AMS President B. Jean Amadienne says he
still trusts the university.
"Stephane Toope is a good man," said Amadienne. "He
would never deceive students, and we should have unconditional faith that the university is doing exactly as it should,
thanks to my bold and courageous leadership. Why, just the
other day, he agreed to sing a song with me at the Campus
Talent Show! Is that not the true measure of a man?"
A promising young Engineer by the name of Jacob Arlington proposed that a walkway among the trees could be constructed in order to avoid the dangers on the ground; this idea
was promptly rejected on the grounds of it being a novelty
idea, clearly unfit for the forests of UBC.
While a vast majority of the students wish for a road to be
constructed, the residents of the woods are not as pleased with
the idea, citing concerns over food security, property and noise.
"Them bloody twits o'er the forest don't know what it like
out here," the trapper named Daniel Bakersfield commented
on his opposition to the road. "Ruddy children messin' with
my traps, callin' me names, lightin' the whole forest on fire.
Bloody nonsense, that's what that is!"
A STUDENT, RIGHT, AND HS URCHN FAMILIAR TAKE TEE LONG RXJT PATH TO UBC THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
NEWS
SHERIFF SHOT BY
SCOUNDRELS
MINIONS OF STEPHANE TOOPE
SUSPECTED IN ATTACK
MOST NEFARIOUS STEPHAN TOOPE
The Battle for the future of
the University Lands has taken a turn to the violent.
At 11pm Saturday evening,
while engaged in a game of
seven-card stud in the Malo-
ney's Billiards Saloon, Sheriff
Benedict Cappelacky was shot
twice in the leg by a would-be
assassin.
This violent outburst comes
after Cappelacky attempted
to expel recently elected UBC
President Stephane Toope
from the territory, and keep
the lands free from any one
landowner.
Cappelacky, who had only
recently been appointed Sheriff of the unincorporated University Endowment Lands,
was not fatally wounded, and
was provided with medical attention on the spot by his associate, Deputy A. K. Barre.
The assailant, who remains unidentified and on
the loose, approached the
saloon from the North,
burst through the doors and
screamed "Sic semper tyran-
nus!" before unloading four
shots. The first two hit Cappelacky in the leg, while the latter two embedded themselves
within the floorboards. He then
fled the scene. Witnesses say
he was wearing the garb of
the Black Oil Gang (BOG), a
group of miscreants and ruffians known to associate with
President Stephane Toope.
In a follow-up interview, Deputy A.K. Barre was disappointed he was not able save the sheriff from being shot. "I should
have known it was a trap," he
said.
Toope, a wealthy oil prospector who made his fortune drilling in the Simon Fraser Union
territory, came to the University
Endowment Lands four years
ago with the hopes of unearthing similar reserves that lie under the campus.
"There's a whole ocean of oil
under our feet, boys, and no one
can get it except me!" Toope is
quoted as saying in his first land
use presentation.
Since his arrival, the mustachioed Toope has bought land
piecemeal, largely by cheating struggling academics out
of their tenure endowments,
in an effort to become the sole
landowner of the campus. He
has been able to do so over the
concerns of local townsfolk in
part because of the support of
UBC Mayor B. Jean Amadienne,
who has clandestinely worked
with Toope overthe objections
of his council.
"Toope is a good man," said
Amadienne. "We are working
hard together to ensure this land
benefits the people it was intended to—wealthy land owners. And true, students may not
have a unique voice under my
vision—but they will see me
sing a song with Toope! Isn't
that good enough?"
To complete his conquest of
the UEL, Toope lacks only the
Southern Gayge property, a parcel of land that is home to the
university stables and sits next
to the saloon district, to complete his acquisitions.
However, in his attempts to
rezone the university from "Academic" to "Oil," Toope has been
opposed throughout by Sheriff
Cappelacky and a mysterious
Insider known only as "Farmer Jonn."
Last week, Cappelacky attempted to expel both Toope
and UBC Mayor B. Jean Amadienne, a former member of the
BOG, after allegations abounded that the two had worked out
a deal over the Southern Gayge property.
The feud began at a celebratory dinner intended to honour
celebrated townsfolk. Cappelacky, along with Deputy AK.
Barre, reportedly left the dinner following a declaration by
Amadienne that Toope would
be given the key to the campus. This was followed by the
daring yet honest Jedediah
MacElroy etching onto rock
"The views of the President
are not those of the people at
large." Later that week, according to Barre, Cappelacky burst
into Amadienne's office (which
some claim had been recently refurbished with oil money) and gave him and Toope
a week to leave the University Endowment Lands.
"You see, in this world there's
two kinds of people, old friend,"
said Cappelacky, with what
Barre described as a Steely
Eye, "those who have a rope
around their neck and those
who have the job of doing the
cutting."
He then proceeded to fire
his gun in the air, frightening
several stenographers.
It is uncertain what Saturday's events will mean for the
future of the Southern Gayge.
Over the past day, townspeople have had prayer services in
the Sheriff's name and many
have been seen saying Amadienne's name and spitting immediately afterwards.
However, Amadienne remains confident in his ability to lead the town.
"The town would never ask
me to resign," he said.
TAYYLOR TO HUNT
BOLSHEVIKS
ARE UBC STUDENTS DONATING
TO THE RED SCOURGE?
After a three-
hour debate at
the Norman
nickelodeon last
week, the Almost Matters
Society (AMS)
Council passed
a motion declaring their extreme
concern over the
Red Scare and
their commitment to eradicating the "emerging threat" of Bol-
shevism on campus. The following day, the executive committee
sent out a public
dispatch specifying that Treasurer Elliot Tayylor
would be the one
undertaking the
hunt for Bolsheviks at UBC.
How Mr Tayylor would conduct his search was unclear,
even to other AMS executives.
"How do you investigate such
a thing? For God's sake, we
don't have a Red Scare department here," said AMS Czar B.
Jean Amadienne. "It's not part
of our competency to investigate who's a Bolshevik and
who's not a Bolshevik."
However, in a "Nationale
Poste" article published on
Friday, Amadienne elaborated, stating that Tayylor "may
send a telegram to the Secret
Service Division of the Northwest Mounted Police or someone, and see what their impression is."
Spokesperson for the Northwest Mounted police Fuch Jah
Putin declined comment, citing
a lack of time due to the recent
epidemic of goat rustling in rural Kitsilano.
Some have questioned whether Mr. Tayylor is fit to conduct
this investigation due to suspicions he may be secretly associated with the Bolshevik movement at UBC. Tayylor was featured on the cover of the last
issue of "The Ubicee," detailing the decline of Capitalist ideals of AMS businesses. Under
Tayylor, the businesses appear
to have adopted model in which
no profits are made, a central
tenet of Bolshevism.
Despite this, Siberian exchange student Boris Barg
was worried that he would be
BRAVE SIR TAYYLOR POSES WITH HIS BLUNDER-BUSS
BLACK BABY'
a target of the AMS's hunt.
Barg said he was "fully in support of UBC's governing Oligarchy." He said the current system
in which a small group of unelected elites make all the decisions for campus was so advantageous he boldly predicted it would "remain in place
for decades to come, at least
until the early 1990s." He also
had some advice to offer to his
fellow Russians at UBC. "Hide
your kids, hide your wife," he
said, "and hide your husbands,
'cause they're hunting everybody out here."
What Mr Tayylor will do if
he locates a cache of Bolsheviks is also undetermined. Because of an ongoing budget deficit in the AMS, Tayylor will have
to rely on an ice axe and blunderbuss both made out of cardboard, and a rolled-up piece of
paper in lieu of binoculars. Tayylor is planning a dues treaty for
the new year and stated that if
it does not pass, the AMS will
be struggling just to provide the
Territory with peace, bread and
land. He's now also contemplating the creation of a "VP Russian Defence" portfolio. "The
Red Scare isn't going away," he
said. "If there was some sort of
organization of Nations United
to work towards the betterment
of the world we could write to
them and they'd certainly come
help us, but unfortunately, nothing like that exists."
IN MEMORIAM
THE UBICEE WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS ITS
SINCERE CONDOLENCES  TO THE FAMILY OF
MR B.A. WESTERSON, WHO SUCCUMBED TO
CONSUMPTION AFTER SEVERAL DAYS OF
STUDYING IN THE LIBRARY.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
WORD ABOUT
TOWN
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
PROFESSOR BUFFALO' BILL:
FRONTIER PEDAGOGY
Students, perk up your ears, because new Professor Buffalo Bill
is just the best darn "Yankee-
doodling" Professor of Cowboy
Culture I have ever had at this
ancient university. I signed up
for his Elementary courses in
Western Colloquialisms, Moustache Topiary and Can't Read
My Poker Face: A Colloquium
after hearing a humdinger of a
story about him in the caf. Everyone who survived his courses
just said the nicest things!
Oh, but he truly is inspirational. He made it clear from the start
that our marks were to be a matter of life and death. So at the end
of every term, we all take a picnic down to Totem Park (ask me
about my blue ribbon recipe for
bison cookies, gals!) to find out
who gets the top grade.
It is delightfully unconventional—not based on any academic
work (he, poor man, cannot read,
so he uses our essays for cigarette
papers) but we have an old-fashioned "shoot-out." And so educational! The survivor of each
round gets an A mark (Alive) and
the one who takes the hit, well,
we say he gets a "D." I shall never forget the look of pride that
came across Buffalo's face as I
fatally maimed "Brisket" Bob—
and to think I was going to audit!
Testament to his generosity
of spirit, and because I cannot
grow nor groom a moustache,
he has allowed me to work on
his tattoo for my final exam. My
design will be a real humdinger—a Native and a Cowboy in a
warm embrace with a backdrop
of moonshine, railroads and a
rodeo. Studying is so difficult,
however, and I have sacrificed
a number of good embroidery
needles to the endeavour.
A number of us are struggling
with the poker seminar, and those
late-night classes are driving me
absolutely gaga. Our foreign exchange student, Alejandro (Junior Arts), is ahead by a mile—
guess he must have a natural talent for cards and such. Professor Bill has been so patient, but
I lost the three of spades during
the last session and now they all
call me "Calamity." I just need a
pass, however, and I can already
tell you—but not in print—what
a Full Saloon is. This class is such
a Scandal!
His suede is always pressed,
his tassels bouncy and his moustache perfectly waxed. He does
not suffer fools, or vegetarians,
or the Dean of Arts, gladly, and
he shoots as he sees it. He may
not be a gentleman in the frippery sense of the word, but je-
hosephat, is he a man! DECEMBER 9, XXXX
THE UBICEE
WAR ON REVELRY!
The arrival and continued
presence of a police buggy at
the University campus—the
first of its kind—has some
local wags saying this is the
start of a "War on Revelry."
Yet according to Deputized
Sergeant McCullough, the police officer and buggy-driver
in question, such claims are
"balderdash."
"An extraordinary increase
in incidents of fisticuffs,
moonshining and other such
hoosegows and hijinks have
led to our presence on this
campus," stated McCullough.
"This is not about policing
students. This is about controlling those Rapscallions
whose tomfoolery would have
the whole peninsula subject
to their shenanigans."
The campus has long had
cause for alarm from such
unruly elements as Moonshiners and Hill-Folk, whose
historic presence on the campus has been bolstered by
irresponsible students and
flibbertigibbets seeking a
"cheap thrill." These concoctions are, according to McCullough, most often consumed at after-hours barn
dances, far from the eyes
of responsible chaperones.
A small band of seemingly upright students, however,
now claim that the presence
of the law officer constitutes
the opening salvo in a so-called
"War on Revelry." Calling themselves the Faction to Revitalize
Bucketshops (FRB)—a common
"slang" term for the combination
still and storefront many moonshiners operate—these wastrels
have begun actively campaigning for the removal of restrictions to their wild parties.
They note that the buggy purchase closely follows
the accidental shooting of an
unnamed student by deputised "party-breakers." FRB
Pamphleteers and Leaflet-
ters have been seen around
the campus, most often led
by a flaxen-haired scallywag
colloquially known as "Blow-
hard" or "The Barbarian." This
gentleman is often seen only as
a blur within a maelstrom of
radical literature. "Our intent,"
said The Blowhard, "is a campaign of mass distribution so
Prolific—so Promiscuous, if
you will—that students will
have no choice but to engage
with our Ideas."
"Our demands are few and
simple," said Alaistair Tyler, spokesperson and self-described "spiritual leader" of
the Faction. "While we must
recognize the authority of Sergeant McCullough and the
Police Buggy, his insistence
that we 'register parties' and
'ensure the safety of the beverages served' is shortsighted. His use of armed force is
alarming as well. Mark my
words, gentlemen: should this
state of affairs continue, we
may well find ourselves living in some form of Absolute
Monarchy."
Tyler concluded his remarks
by swearing in the presence of
some nearby ladies before being escorted away by his Honour Guard, a large Polack by
the name of Stanley "Mutton-
chops" Bolatsky.
By appealing to the base, Bacchanal side of human nature, it
is reported that the Faction has
gained supporters amongst students and Hill-Folk alike. One
naturalized denizen ofthe wooded areas offered his perspective
upon the Scandal.
"Consarn tootin' that scallywag oughter run hisself outer town, yessir," said the gentleman (and we use the term
Loosely!) who identified himself only as Cotton-Eyed Joseph. "'Taint nuthin' them corn-
swoggling fancy-like buggy kin
do ter flabbergast 01' Joe's
still."
Spitting upon the ground, he
continued, "Reckon 'twon't e'en
come to fisticuffs, like, as ah
kin ske-daddle outer any rumpus quicker'n a snake spits. Eee-
heeehee!" Plucking a feisty tune
upon a Banjo, he then cavorted
away from the interview.
Freshette Maria Cirsteasy
would also enjoy the illicit parties, she hinted.
"Naturally, an unescorted
Co-ed like myself could never hope to attend a 'Hill Party,' or a 'Barn-raiser,' she said
coyly. "But were some enterprising gentleman to issue an
invitation, wouldn't I be tickled!" What a firecracker!
Sergeant McCullough did
not share in Joseph's confidence. "We Shall hunt down
these barn-burners," said
McCullough, announcing the
arrival of the buggy, "until
there are no more un-chap-
eroned Tea Parties upon this
campus."
Arts Society Operating Without Gold
Standard; Accounts Shut Down
Scandal hit the University last week, when it was discovered that the Undergraduate Society
(US) had been spending funds without an equivalent amount of gold in their reserves, and instead using mere fiat money.
Vice President Finance and Bolshevik Hunter Extraordinaire Elliot Tayylor, upon hearing
of the news, immediately telegrammed the authorities and urged the US head to go to Barker-
ville to procure additional gold.
"Gadzooks!" he exclaimed. "We cannot in good conscience allow groups to spend money
without the safeguards that a deposit of gold ensures! Otherwise, we shall not be able to control the Leviathan of inflation!"
Riley Transformerini, who became US President in a matter accordant with 19th century elections, said that the error was Tayylor's, not his.
"I was unaware that the Almost Matters Society required undergraduate groups to keep to
the gold standard," he said. "I only received a telegram about this a fortnight ago, but I can
assure all 400 students that their thirty cent Student Fees are being spent wisely."
Transformerini, who is well known for his organization of Ragtime Events down-town, has
been criticized vociferously by Benjamin Platonic for his transgressions.
"IT IS AS I HAD FOREWARNED!" he shouted from his podium. "FOR NIGH FOURTEEN
MONTHS I HAVE CASTIGATED THOSE WITH THE INEPTITUDE TO DESECRATE OUR
SOCIETY. HAS NO ONE THE FORTITUDE WITH WHICH TO STAND UP FOR HONOUR?,"
he said, before embarking on a horse and heading to war-torn Panama for another expedition.
With no gold, the US has been giving people pieces of paper almost as worthless as Arts degrees
to use as a guarantor of Financial Health. However, some are optimistic about the possibilities.
"You can create Wealth out of nothing?," said Willy Sodder, an enterprising young student
on campus. "Clearly, this hoax will be a boon, and must be perpetuated at this school! Could
one day there be a faculty where thousands of Careerists are taught how to succeed in the
world without producing anything of value? One can only imagine."
Chaplain Nailher, when reached for comment, said, "Lay not up for yourselves treasures
upon Earth, where moth and rust doth Corrupt, and where Thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and
where Thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your
Heart be also," before adding, "That Riley kid is really stupid. Who voted for him, anyway?"
However, this is not the first occasion that the Almost Matters Society has been in such a
ballyhoo. Indeed, currently there are rumours that the AMS itself is not in the healthiest of
Fiscal Shape, and has not been for some time.
When reached for comment on this, Tayylor simply replied "Poppycock!" before elaborating
that he had little time to spend on the Budget, owing to his Bolshevik investigation.
UBC Coal Mine Saved!
UBC students received coal for Christmas this year—but none are disappointed with their boon.
After two years of petitions, protests and ballyragging, university administrators Publicly
Announced that the UBC Coal Mine is here to stay.
"Students have made their voices loud and clear," said UBC President Stephane Toope. "This
is a mining university."
The mine, which is one of the few urban mines in North America, will not be destroyed to
make way for a windmill, as had been originally planned.
"It was a real durn hornswaggle that ol' Toope was trying to pull on us," said Dr Fiddle-
tooths, Professor of Mining Sciences, about the university's machinations to destroy the mine.
"But we done kept our boots on, and put up with Toope's pie-in-the-sky nonsense. And now,
normally, I don't respect a man that ain't lost a body part at war, but that there Toope done
something real good for the mining folk today."
Fiddletooths, a former gold-prospector, specializes in shaft-drilling and coyoting. He also
teaches a ground-breaking course about the ethics of claim-jumping. His academic specialty
is rock-smashery.
Fiddletooths was one of the leading advocates of the mine and the author of "Excavating
Place," a report focusing on the future of the UBC Mine. In it, he argued that the mine needed to be opened up to other faculties for educational purposes.
"Minin' ain't just fer the prospectors no more. We done here need to open 'er up to them
people that jostle worms fer a studyin', or other dick-fiddlery," he said, immediately prior to
throwing his straw hat to the ground, firing a round from his peacemaker into the air and hollering, "It's a bonanza!"
Hannah-Lynn Wilder, head of UBC Friends of the Mine, said that at the moment, we have
to import most of our coal from Quebec and the Orient.
"In order to build a true sustainable community, we need to be true frontiersmen and women and stop our dependence on them fori'gners," she said, hiking up her coveralls and spitting upon the ground. THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
Greeks menace
university
Houses of brotherly sin erected, bath
houses and blood-shrines to
Apollo soon to follow
Grim pagan rituals and hedonistic scenes of stomach-
turning bacchanalia may soon
darken every doorstep if a
secret society, calling itself
the UBC Greek Council, is
allowed to establish itself on
campus.
The Greeks, as they are
colloquially known, represent a variety of secretive
enclaves called "Fraternities," with ominous sobriquets such as "Alpha Kappa Epsilon" and "Delta Beta
Roofie." They've already purchased acreages near campus, where construction has
begun on what can only be
assumed to be sin-promoting
bath houses and temples to
worship heathen gods.
"What burns my gravy most
about these societies is that
they threaten to introduce the
hedonistic Greek lifestyle to
our wholesome students," said
former prospector and recently-elected President Stephane
Toope. "I've already heard reports that these Grecian hooligans have taken local boys
along with them in their bal-
lyragging of milk maids and
cobblers' daughters. Apparently they are attempting to
convert these rapscallions to
their ethnicity through a dark
ritual they call 'pledging.'"
The Greek communities,
according to reports from our
sister campus McGill, already
exist in universities across the
nation, bringing ruin and—
we suspect—vile fried octopus dishes with them at every turn.
"Resist Greek settlement
in your university community at all costs, stop," read a
telegraph communique from
McGill President Alphonse
Dupris. "Cow tipping at all-
time high since Montreal settlement, stop."
This publication can only
surmise their cow-related violence is spurred by the Grecian preference for the flesh
of goats and faeries.
"I didn't spend the majority of my youth as a Jesuit
saving souls from the ravages of paganism just to have it
pop up once more in my backyard," said Chaplain Mathieu
Nailher of the UBC church.
"One would be wise to ask
what member of the pagan
pantheon these Greeks worship. Is it a peaceful, harmless pagan spirit such as De-
meter, or a wrathful daemon
such as Zeus or Ares?"
One member of this
"Greek" cohort named Alexander Miller, when asked
to answer for his heresy, had
the gumption to claim that
reports of his group's misdeeds were untrue.
"Shucks, we're just a hodgepodge of great fellas looking
to have a grand ol' ball of it,"
jabbered the heathen Miller.
"All those stories about our
late-night shenanigans are
just balderdash. What we're
really all about is philanthropy. You know, chumming with
orphans and unwed mothers
and such."
UBC Academics well-versed
in the classics could not trace
the lineage of this "philan-
thropus" to Greek sources, although it was suggested to be a
corruption of "Furfur," a pow-
eful marquis of hell.
Sister groups, called "Sororities," are conspiring to
bring women with the disposition of maenad to campus soon after the establishment of the secretive fraternities, though what purpose that number of women
might have on a university
campus cannot at this time
be determined.
ZEUS, ONE OF THE MANY PAGAN DEMONS LIKELY WORSHIPED BY THE FRATERNITIES.
Two Asians?
As UBC enrols additional Oriental,
students ask if two is too much
When Freshettes Alice McGuinness and Beatrice Hoffstead were selecting which university
to attend, they did not even consider attending
a Community College just East of Downtown.
"Everyone in 'Chinatown' is Asian," said McGuinness. "The janitors, the cooks, the storekeepers...It's like being in Shanghai, for goodness' sake."
Both McGuinness and Hoffstead hoped the
University of British Columbia would offer respite from the "Oriental tide" that, according
to them, has "enveloped" most of the city. "Until this year, it has stayed clear of the walls of
our University," said McGuinness. "Until now."
Being a forward-thinking school attuned to
modern trends, UBC admits a fixed quota of
one Canadian-born Oriental per school year,
to enliven the campus and allow for cultural
exchange. However, this year, UBC admitted
two Chinese Students.
Vincent Chen intends to major in Mathematical Fluxions, while Andrew Wong is pursuing a Bachelor's degree in English Literature.
Both young men were born in the Dominion
of Canada, and have passed Competency Exams in the Queen's English. Both are also, according to their government-mandated sponsors, certified as Morally Upstanding.
The arrival of these two new students has
sparked an outrage that transcends faculty,
class and Church. Their entrance to the School
has created such a hub-bub that some have begun to label it the "Two Asian" controversy,
asking if two Asians is one too many.
"This is a one hundred per cent increase over
last year's admissions," said Chancellor Henry
McCormick. "If we continue at this rate, our
students will soon be paying their admissions
fees in bricks of jasmine tea."
The massive increase in Asian enrolment
over the past year has created a Culture-Clash
on campus. Students say that the recent additions from the East are loath to participate in
campus social events, such as minstrel shows
and cock-fighting.
"The Ubicee" has received many Letters of
Complaint related to the recent spike in campus's Oriental population.
"It seems I cannot walk to class without seeing a Chinaman," wrote Sophomore Dick Whitman, an English student. "My father served
in the Opium Wars. He would have shivering
fits if he could see the state of the school I
am attending."
Miriam Greeley, Head Stenographer of the
Admissions Office, expressed concern that,
judging by the state of the Chinese students'
applications, they lack some skills necessary
for a productive Undergraduate Career.
"Neither of these citizens of the Orient have
experience riding English saddle or hunting
pheasant," said Miss Greeley. "And do you
think either of them presented letters of endorsement from their Minister or Priest? Of
course not.
"Our Lord never worked in a
rice paddy," she added, sniffing.
Some are concerned that differences in habit and temperament may create a gulf between
the two recent arrivals and other students. Both Mr Chen and
Mr Wong stated that they do
not smoke, drink only moderately and avoid local gambling
establishments.
"I can never trust a man who
doesn't appreciate life's more exquisite pleasures," said Senior
Engineer Thomas Allen, pausing to cough uproariously and
take a pull from his hip-flask.
"Why, these boys don't even go
to the dog-fights or the cathouse.
Where's the fun in that?"
Although University Administrators are loath to discuss
the issue, students talk about
it all the time.
Some are advocating for a
"meritocratic" System of Admissions, which they argue would
ensure that no Asians whatsoever would be
admitted.
Many American universities test applicants
on valuable skills that are seen as precursors
to post-secondary success. Among these, our
neighbours to the South include the ability to
speak Latin, equestrianism, fox-hunting and
being able to verify the lineage of one's horses and hounds.
"A gentleman who cannot identify whether
his hound is indeed thoroughbred is no gentleman at all," said Hoffstead, shortly before
turning on her heel and storming off. "He is,
in fact, a boor and a dunce!"
However, not all students are against the increases in Asian admittances.
"I came to this university in order to meet
people from other regions and lands," said Alexander, a Junior.
Alexander—who asked that his real name
not be used in this article for fear of reprisal—broached the topic of race at universities hesitantly.
"I know everyone else believes that the new
arrivals have created quite a sordid state of
affairs, but I don't see what all of the ruckus
is about," he said.
Many students complain that the newcomers' inability to speak English prevents them
from fitting in at the university.
"I tried talking to these two chappies after
last week's assembly, and all that came out
of their mouths was gibberish. I was utterly
offended," said Horatio Hogarth, Frosh Initiation Leader. "A generation ago, they were
building our railways, and now they wish to
take our degrees?"
Vincent Chen said that he recalls this encounter well.
"That Horatio fellow? He came up to me
and started jumping up and down while making high-pitched jabbering noises. I was rather confused."
Chen, who splits his time between his academic pursuits and his participation with the
University Gypsy Boxing Team, was born in
New Westminister.
Wong, who specializes in Victorian Literature, said he came to UBC for its focus on
Dickensian works.
"The English department here is quite splendid. We read three or four works every couple
of weeks, and I feel that I've gained quite a
strong grasp of the subject," he said.
Yet some are not convinced that such radical integration will benefit this Provincial
Establishment.
Said Niklas Maclaine, a Graduate student, "There is simply too much risk of
short-sighted xenophobia and blanket race-
based preconceptions undercutting valid
discussion.
"Perhaps it will be up to those in the next
century to have the appropriate dialogue around
such an issue." DECEMBER 9, XXXX
THE UBICEE
DISROBED MAN
DISCOVERED ON
WRECK BEACH
Last Tuesday, Campus was
buzzing with the news that a
naked man had been found
on Wreck Beach. Students
reacted to this news with intrigue and utter disbelief.
The hot gossip began that
day, when two students who
were progressing their way to
UBC reported seeing a naked
man lying on Wreck Beach,
"We" smelled a strong scent
of alcohol and took a detour
toward the beach. Once we
arrived, a trail of vomit lead
us to a man just lying there
naked as a jay-bird," said
Sophomore Drew McKenzie.
Word quickly spread
across Campus of this previously unseen calamity. The
consensus among the Political Science students was that
this had to be an act of Civil Disobedience.
"Isn't it obvious?" said
Sophomore Political Science student Myrtle Flem-
ming. "This man is protesting government invasiveness
bv saving that, one dav, we
will all be naked."
All day, students went
out in search for this "nudist." One bewildered Freshman, Thaddeus Gaston, said,
"When I heard there was a
naked man on Wreck Beach
I simply had to investigate.
And strip down myself."
Upon being asked why he
felt this way, Mr. Gaston became introspectively silent.
It wasn't long before the
President Stephane Toope
took action.
"Something had to be done.
Classes across campus were
being disrupted because one
man was said to be naked on
Wreck Beach." Police were
dispatched to deal with the
incident and usher students
back toward Campus. However, no naked man was
recovered.
Chaplain Mathieu Nailher
has expressed concern about
the economic position of the
man on Wreck Beach.
"Clearly, there are some
members "of our community
who cannot afford suitable
raiment, and so go about naked as Adam and Eve did,"
said the Chaplain.
"But Wreck Beach is no
Paradise—far from it. For
eight months out of twelve,
it is too cold to go about in
bathing attire, let alone completely naked."
In order to aid other paupers who may become lost
in the environs of the Beach,
Chaplain Nailher has erected,
with funds from the Church,
a sign above the tide-line
reading "Clothing, Free" in
large, black letters. Underneath is printed the address
of the Church's beggar-shelter, a facility that provides
dislocated individuals with
used garments and hot gruel.
"The Mother Church
clothes the barren and feeds
the hungry," said Chaplain
Nailher. "With God's Grace,
we will never see another
nude body on Wreck Beach
again."
NEW CONFIRMED BACHELORS
CLUB" WELCOMES MEN UNINTERESTED IN WOMEN MARRIAGE
COMMON INTERESTS INCLUDE
GREEK DRAMA, BATH-HOUSES
"SHOULD HAVE JOINED THE CLERGY"
SAYS UBC CHAPLAIN
A newly-established student
club at" UBC helps to serve
the needs of gentlemen who
prefer the company of other
gentlemen.
The Confirmed Bachelors'
Club (CBC) aims to attract
"Fellows who prefer another
fellow's company over that of
ladies," said club President
Stewart Knapp.
"We do not wish to disparage the fairer sex," Knapp continued, "but it is a well established fact that ten to fifteen
per cent of the male population is unfit for marriage—
either due to choice or natural temperament."
The Club does not maintain offices on campus, although Knapp confirms that
they have petitioned for a
room in the soon-to-be-constructed the Student Union
Shack (see story on page
three). For the time being,
the CBC holds meetings most
Mondavs at seven o'clock
West Fourth Street.
Howard Wight, the CBC's
Treasurer, noted that the
Turkish baths are an unconventional locale for club meetings. However, he defends the
choice of Sultan's for "practical reasons."
"Many members of the club
maintain high standards of
personal hygiene," said Wight.
"While none of us are courting women, or ever aim to do
so, it is still important that
one makes a fair impression
on his fellow gentlemen, and
this can be achieved, in part,
by regular steam baths.
"And when it comes to resolving conflicts within the
CBC, the informal nature of
the Turkish baths aids discussion," Wight continued. "It
is difficult to remain angry
with another man when you
are both naked as the day you
were born, slick with sweat and
condensation, rubbing down
each-other's bodies with lavender oil."
Knapp said that, while the
gentlemen of the CBC come
from different classes and
churches, all share certain
common interests.
"Greek drama is quite popular," said Knapp. The club
regularly puts on productions
of plays*by Classical authors.
"Last month's performance
of the lysistrata drew quite
a crowd," he continued. "All
male, of course. It would be
immoral to invite ladies to
watch a play that draws so
much of its plot from the animal passions."
While the activities of the
CBC may seem innocent to
most of the student population, even such honest, manly camaraderie has drawn
criticism from groups on
campus.
"The exclusion of females
from the Confirmed Bachelor's
Club helps to consolidate male
power in an elitist society,"
stated Mary Camprick, Vice-
President of UBC's Sufrag-
ette Justification Society. "It
is through such organizations
as the CBC that the causes of
Chauvinism and Intemperance
are advanced."
Despite the CBC's fondness
for Aristophanes, "Greeks" on
campus have remained suspicious of the club, rejecting
applicants who claim association with it.
"There's something queer
about those fellows," said Delta Kappa Epsilon spokesman
Marcel Proulx. "Every man
dreams of having a pretty
little wife who will cook and
clean for him and bear him
an heir. It's unnatural.... University is a way to meet potential mates, after all. Without that, what's the point of
attending?"
Even the Church has its
doubts about the CBC.
"If these men don't wish to
marry, thev should join the
Church," said UBC Chaplain
Mathieu Nailher. "Had such
a club existed while I was in
seminary, I've no doubt many
of my peers would have joined
its ranks. But for what? Men
who are not drawn to the company of women should not
use their preferences as an
excuse to lolly-gag about in a
campus club. They should do
what I did, and devote their
lives to God."
Knapp is quick to defend
the CBC against its detractors.
"We serve as haven for
young men who find themselves oppressed by the prospect of marriage," he said.
"Nothing more, and nothing
less. We take no pride in our
aversion to matrimony. Our
only wish is to enjoy our masquerades, wrestling competitions and Oscar Wilde reading clubs in peace."
While the Confirmed Bachelors' Club is slowly growing
in numbers there is, as vet, no
word of an Old Maids' Club
at UBC.
CONTINUING: START
ANIMAL RESEARCH
"I mean, I suppose it is possible that years down
the road some maniac will also have a problem with
conducting tests on animals, but obviously nobody
will take them seriously."
He laughed at the thought. "Oh man. You'd have to
be completely bonkers to get worked up over that."
"I find this concern about Freshmen to be totally
hypocritical," replied Dr Tugnutts. "No-body seems to
care that first years come to our fine Academic Institution and spend all their time 'hooking up' at box
socials and listening to the latest folk music on their
Gramophones. But as soon as someone wants to heavily sedate them without their consent and perform evil
experiments with unknown side-effects, everyone gets
their knickers in a twist. It is ridiculous."
Asked about his use of the word "evil", Dr. Tugnutts denied having used that word and noted that
nobody can prove it because tape recorders have
not been invented yet.
A "squirrelly" situation
However, there is another aspect to this issue which
has further polarized the campus. Some members
of START propose a secondary motivation for animal testing, which is to reduce the squirrel population at UBC. One board member, on condition of
anonymity, told us that prioritizing squirrels just
makes sense. "They are everywhere. It is annoying as Hell. And people seem to have this idea that
squirrels are adorable. Have you seen the UBC squirrels? They are basically giant rats with fluffy tails.
They could not be uglier."
These sentiments have drawn other activist groups
into the tempest, including the Association of Squirrel Killers (ASK). "We see the same problem at UBC
as we see all over the world," says ASK's Director
of Global Operations, Octavia Arsole. "If this was,
say, cockroaches or locusts or killer bees, everybody would agree that a cull is necessary. But because squirrels are deemed to be cute and cuddly,
they are allowed to get away with murder. To that
we say: poppycock. And also: fiddlesticks."
When asked how many squirrel murders ASK
has documented, Arsole "clarified that she meant
the term metaphorically.
However, the involvement of ASK in this matter
has drawn in their arch-nemesis, the Organization to
Rallv against Squirrel Exploitation (ORALSEX). The
President of ORALSEX, Sir Eugene Chester Pickle-
ton III, raged against ASK. "Obviously Arsole is going to employ the same anti-squirrel arguments that
she uses all the time. But as far as we are concerned,
UBC should be proud of its squirrel population. I can
understand the argument for animal testing, but to
single out squirrels for attention is ludicrous. We will
not stand for squirrels being treated as a lower class."
While Frocknocker, START'S spokesperson, does
not take a side in the squirrel debate, he welcomes
the news that ASK and ORALSEX are planning to
stage counter-protests at UBC. "I think it is important that people are thinking about this and engaging in the wider issues. START does not officially
take a stand either way on whether special emphasis
should be placed on squirrels—although personally,
all the squirrels running around on campus drive me
crazy and I'd derive great pleasure from their ruthless "extermination. Wait, that was off the record."
"The Ubicee" informed Frocknocker that you cannot say "off the record" after you've already said something. At that point, it is too late. Sorry, Frocknocker.
Meanwhile, Dr Tugnutts is not happy about the
invasion of squirrel special interest groups. "No, I
am not very happy that Sir Pickleton and his communist squirrel-lovers are coming here. I couldn't
care less about squirrels. I just want to experiment
on Freshmen in peace, as I alwavs have and always
will. FART will not be distracted by ORALSEX
and the Squirrel Killers and whoever else. We have
serious work to do." THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
LITTLE WYAN BRINGS NEW
"JASS MUSIC" TO TERMINAL
CITY; INSPIRES LOATHING?
Much fuss has been made about "jass,"
that class of primitive dancing-tune that
claims as its birthplace the humid confines of New Orleans' barrel-houses. This
perplexing and often crude genre of music (if it can be called that) has gained
popularity among the young Bohemian
set. The less reputable druggists in this
city are said to turn a considerable profit selling cylinder recordings of such performances, although it is questionable
whether they are ever played outside of
brothels, opium dens and such coffeehouses where multiple ethnicities mingle after-hours.
We were granted the dubious opportunity of witnessing one of these "jass-bands"
ply their trade last Friday, at the recently-opened Commodore Cafe on Granville
Boulevard. Serving as a cafeteria during
the day-time and a dram-house after dark,
this disreputable venue attracts many of
Vancouver's roustabouts, dandies and sailors. On Friday, the cafe was filled to the
rafters with these rough classes of people, and the streets outside were crowded with slick Filipino men hawking ciga-
rillos and watch-fobs.
The main act that evening was "Little
Wyan and his Youthful Money Quartet."
We have not the slightest idea why Wyan
has gained the epithet "little," for by all
accounts he is a full-grown man. Clad
in rude evening-suits of purple velvet,
he and his "band" of fellows took to the
stage promptly at 9pm. The racket they
proceeded to raise that evening continued
well after the witching hour.
The quartet consisted of an upright
piano, a double bass, an alto saxophone
and a modern drum "kit," whose player
(again, we use the term loosely) operated
the bass drum by use of a pedal, not unlike the sort employed in automobiles. Little Wyan accompanied the Quartet's performance with a sort of on-going "field
shout" or "holler," most of which was unintelligible and occasionally interrupted
by bleats on a tarnished trumpet.
Many who have heard of jass suppose
it to be a sort of new-fangled ragtime.
This could not be further from the truth.
While it shares some of the syncopated
rhythms of ragtime, jass is another beast
altogether. The catchy melodies of Mr
Scott Joplin's rag compositions are suitable for most parlour-gatherings and after-dinner singalongs. This is not the case
with the music of Mr Wyan & Co. The libidinous wailing of saxophone, overlaid
occasionally with shambholic tooting on
trumpet, harkens back to a time long before the White Man brought civilization
to darkest Africa. Most genteel listeners
would be inclined to take to their heels
and run rather than kick them up dancing.
It speaks for the character of the folk frequenting the Commodore Cafe that most
of them seemed to be enjoying the music.
As a matter of fact, the audience's performance was almost as lewd as Youthful
Money's. Several Navy men stood up with
heavily-painted women (we would be remiss
to call them ladies) and proceeded to dance
in a wild, unorganized fashion, often touching hips with their partners. Meanwhile, at
the tables closest to the stage, a number of
youths drew on cigarettes which, judging
by the odious scent of their smoke, were
"cut" liberally with Indian Hemp, that herb
which lowers inhibitions and spurs man's
animal instincts. These were the sort of fellows who go without hats and pepper their
intercourse with quotes from Blake. Most
disturbing, perhaps, was the fact that several young ladies of good bearing were sharing their table. What is it about Evil that so
seduces weak minds?
The smokey air, pierced with jungle
rhythms and the shouts of women of dubious morality, quickly made us feel as
though we were lost in the Abominal Pit
itself. Adding to the hallucination, Mr
Wyan seemed to take on the role of some
Hellish Arch-Duke of the Ninth Circle. By
the time he began howling to the Quartet's
second song, he had loosened his tie in a
most suggestive fashion, and was wiping
sweat from his brow.
Little Wyan's words, for the most part,
seemed to focus on dalliances with women,
indulgence in "Reefers" and the acquisition
of capital. Had we wished to hear of such
topics, we would have struck up a conversation with our shoe-shine boy. The fact
that this sort of conversation constituted
an evening's entertainment made sense,
perhaps, to the other members of the audience, who reacted to Little Wyan's shouting with applause and raised glasses. For
our part, we exited the building shortly after the fourth song in search of fresh air
and gentler company.
It is hard to see how this jass phenomenon will ever make it beyond the dive-
bars and slatterns' quarters where it seems
most at home. For one, it relies far too
much on the drumming of strange, unsettling rhythms. The man who played
drums in the Youthful Money Quartet attacked his instruments in a haphazard and
rough matter. The stuttering of the snare
and the booming of the bass were like artillery fire, and it is hard to see how decent folk could ever dance to it. As well,
the discordant wailings of the saxophone
and the trumpet were so lecherous in nature, so morally corrupt, that we can not
conceive how it could ever be recorded in
a sheet-music book, let alone what sort of
parlour would host such a racket.
Yes, dear reader, you heard it here first.
Jass is an interesting "fad," if only for what
it tells us of the lives lead by the coarser classes. But it is a short-lived one. The
music market, like all enterprises in this
glorious Commonwealth of ours, is sold on
merit. And so long as decent folk are purchasing wax cylinders and song-books, one
cannot expect jass will ever gain a foothold. While we can expect to enjoy ragtime, barber-shop and Tin Pan Alley compositions many decades into the future,
this is one genre of music that is destined
for extinction. So enjoy it while you can,
ye crude masses. Little Wyan and his ilk's
cacophony will be, thankfully, short-lived.
UBC MOONSHINE CLUB
LIFTS SPIRITS
<xxxxxxxxxxxx><xxx>o<><xx><xx><xx><xx><x>
Last Friday at approximately 7pm, UBC
groundskeepers discovered a crudely constructed copper still in the forested area
south of the Student Union Shack.
Several jugs of "moon-shine," a clear,
home-made liquor popular among hill-
folk, migrants and vagrants were also
discovered at the site, along with assorted debris. The local Mounties were
promptly alerted.
"Been a coon's age since I seen this
sort of hoochin' hereabouts," said Sheriff Cappelacky, when asked for comment.
"Reckon some college boys got it in their
head to make their own Tallymore Dew,"
Cappelacky continued, before wiping his
nose with the back of his hand and spitting on the ground. He cites the discovery of a 'Varsity sweater at the distilling
site as an indication that UBC students
may have been involved.
Other evidence of special note included the writing on the side of the liquor
jugs, which read "UBC Moonshining Club
XXX Joe's Batch." According to several
sources on campus, similar jugs have
been making appearances at masquerades, hoe-downs, hootenanies, line-dances, brouhahas, box socials and Freshman
informals.
"It was such a powerful spirit," said
Freshette Mirabelle Williams. "It reminded me of the throat tonic Mammie used
to give me when I was a babe," she added. According to Williams, a jug of the
"white lightning" appeared at a co-ed
square-dance put on by Forestry students
several week-ends ago.
"It went to everyone's head rather
quickly. I'm afraid I danced in a most
unladylike manner that evening," said
Williams, blushing.
Members of the Club remain anonymous and at large, due to the illegality
of distilling without a license within the
Province and the Dominion of Canada as
a whole. However, several students have
been spotted on campus wearing blazer-
pins that proclaim "Save the UBC Moonshine Club."
"It has medicinal uses," said Sophomore Dirk O'Flaherty, an Irishman. He
wears his Moonshine Club pin with pride.
"Me Gran'mam has the gout somethin'
bad and the nights are getting cold as
witch-titties, if you'll excuse my French.
Only that ole jar-whiskey seems to chase
away her pain. The lads from the Club
have been been a great help to her, no
doubts about that," continued O'Flaherty,
his freckled face shining with earnestness.
Other sources have attested to the quality of the spirit. Old Marmot-Tooth, an
itinerant shake-splitter who resides in a
tar-paper shack on the University's Frontiers Lands, stated that the UBC Moonshine Club's product was some of the finest he had ever tasted.
"I'll allow I ain't had stump-likker of
that sort since we was fighting the Yankees," said Marmot-Tooth, masticating
a fistful of chaw. "Reckon it could take
the hair off a black-barr, I do," he added.
"Done put a brick in my hat first dram I
took. Don't that beat the Dutch, yessir."
Despite widespread appreciation for
the nail-bending brew, Sheriff Cappelacky
stays firm in his stance against the UBC
Moonshining Club.
"They're breaking the law, and seeing
as I'm the Sheriff, I do believe they're
breaking my law," Cappelacky said. "I'll
gladly go a-hunting for those boys with
hounds and a posse," he added. "Once they
sleep off last night's fire-water, that is."
OPIUM DENS!
ON CAMPUS!
Concerns have recently been
raised by the Campus Lawman about possible illegal
and immoral acts taking place
after-hours in the Pit, UBC's
most popular speakeasy.
The establishment, located
behind the Student Union Shack
in a vacant lot filled with scrub
brush and willow saplings, is a
popular gathering place for undergraduates between and after classes. The building was
constructed two years ago with
boards from a nearby Red Cedar felled by Forestry students.
Since then, it has seen steady
sales in both brown ale and gin,
as well as the Pit's signature
bacon-fat-on-biscuits.
The Pit is open on weekdays
until nine o'clock, and on Saturday until seven o'clock. It is at
these times that the questionable behaviour, currently being investigated by the Campus
Lawman, takes place.
"Soon as they close the window-shutters and shut the door,
that's when the pipes and lamps
come out," said Harvey Rake,
the SUS cleaning-man. He performs his duties late at night,
and claims to have seen the nefarious acts taking place.
"They bring out cushions and
blankets, too, and an Oriental
goes about with a plate of opium. Sells it twenty-five cents a
thumb's length, he does. Suppose he makes a pretty penny," said Mr Rake, who refused
to explain how he gathered this
information while mopping the
SUB's floor. Speaking under conditions of anonymity, several
students have confirmed Mr
Rake's report.
"Oh, it's a grand time," said
one student who, for the purposes of this article, will go by
the name Jane. "I've never felt
lighter. Laying on those cushions, one could be reclining in
the crescent of the moon, for all
it matters. And that Chinaman
who looks after the pipes—he's
such a queer little fellow."
"Actually, it's just a Scotsman wearing a cap with some
black rope tied to the back," interjected her companion, Scarlett. "But he does such a good
act of it. You really feel like
you're at one of the fancy places down in Chinatown, and not
laying on the dirt floor of a cedar-board shack built on a vacant lot."
Ombudsman Scott McCormick said that UBC Administration has no concerns about
activities at the Pit. "The business is owned and operated by
the AMS. It's their prerogative,"
he said, his hands shaking as he
wiped sweat from his forehead.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I must
retire to my office for an afternoon nap."
Sheriff Benedict Capellacky,
on the other hand, expressed
concern about the rumours of
narcotic use on campus.
"Opium is for people that got
theyselves shot," said Capellacky,
expectorating wetly between
this reporter's feet. "T'ain't for
young folk to be messing about
with. If those green-horns want
to fool about with narcotics, they
can either join the Service or become doctors."
Capellackey cites a lack of
manpower as the main obstacle in his investigation, as well
as several bullet holes in his
leg which he claimed, "pinch a
bit, but corn likker takes care
of that." Until he is fully mobile
and accompanied by an appropriately-sized posse, visitors to
the Pit will be allowed to chase
their velveteen dragons. DECEMBER 9, XXXX
THE UBICEE
SPORT-AND-LEISURE
PROFESSOR
INVENTS
'BASE-BALL'
CLUB WIELDING
ROUSTABOUTS PUT
TO USE
A UBC professor contends
sport is the answer to the recent rash of violent thuggery
that has plagued the campus.
Dr J.G. Cuthbert, a Professor of Psycho-Psycosis in
the Faculty of Comparative
Thinking, has created a game
to which he hopes to recruit
the hordes of club wielding
miscreants who have been accosting UBC students.
"I call it base-ball!" said
Cuthbert.
"The rules are quite simple, explained the good
doctor. "A 'pitcher' throws
a stone to a man with
an oaken club. The batter then rounds the 'bases,' four pickle barrels arrayed around the field in
a diamond. Each barrel is
guarded by a 'shucker.' At
each base the batter engages with the 'shucker' in a
race to consume two pints
of pickle brine."
The doctor admitted that
the game still has some
kinks to work out.
This ritual may seem
somewhat curious to those
unacquainted with sport, but
Dr. Cuthbert assured us that
it is grounded in the science.
"The human body is composed of five humours: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, sanguine and pickle
brine," he explains. "A flux
in these humours produces
an ill temperament which
can lead to lasciviousness
and a moral gapitude over
which the poor man has
no control."
The game was created in
response to a rash of brutal on-campus bashings.
Since the formation of the
UBC Nativists Club, many
students have suffered
wallopings at the hands of
the club's bushwhacking
division. The Club exists
to "show the demmed potato eatin' papists that we
don't speak no Gaelic in
this country," according to
the Club's code. A few have
been sent to the infirmary after suffering severe
thrashings.
"They came out of no
where," said an Irishman
who asked not to be identified. "They made me...kiss...
the blarney stone."
Dr Cuthbert assured us
that this was caused not by
xenophobia or racism, but
rather a lack of brine in the
corporeal frame. Base-ball
agitates the humours and allows the brine to balance the
temperament of the player.
The base-ballers we spoke
with said that after playing Dr. Cutherbert's game,
their feelings of nativism
and paranoia over the Irish
trying to take their jobs
had markedly subsided.
"Lookit, geezur, I like
'ittin' da Irish upside da
'ead, frowin' 'em down da
apple an' pears," said John
Bingaman, a Londoner who
came to UBC last year to
prevent the Irish from gaining a foothold in the Commonwealth. "But after pla-
yin' base-ball I felt rabi'
'utch calmer, innit."
Base-ball has started to
gain some popularity. A
Mister Terence Mann was
often seen behind the backstop with a far-away look
in his eyes. When asked
if people would come out
to the games, he said yes,
adding that the sport had
a timeless quality that
harkens back to the country's lost innocence and
never-ending desire to be
young again.
"The one constant
through all the years, Ray,
has been baseball," said
Mr Mann. "People will
come. They'll watch the
game and it'll be as if
they dipped themselves in
magic waters. This field,
this game: it's a part of
our past, Ray. It reminds
us of all that once was
good and that it could
be again. Oh... people
will come Ray, people will
most definitely come."
Winchester
CIGARETTES
THE SPORTING-MAN'S CIGARETTE
"Winchester
cigarettes have
been proven
by Science to
be a superior
smoking experience!"
—A.G. Abernathy,
Doctor of Science
TRAGEDY
BASKET-BALLER SLAIN BY YETI WHILE
CROSSING ROCKY MOUNTAINS
The brave men of this campus have
lost one of their own this week.
Harry Reasoned a third-year student beloved by all on campus and
affectionally known as "HariSf met
an early end to an illustrious life
on Saturday when, acrordingto reports from surviving members of
the men's basketball team, he was
eaten by a Yeti.
"Harx he saw the brute was
blocking our waj; and he tried to
reason with him. But there was no
use1,' said James McKay another
man on the squad. It was some
time before he could continue, his
emotions were so overcome I just
miss him so?
The basketball team was traveling through the treacherous Rocky
Mountains to face the University
of Alberta in a tournament that
would have seen four of the six
basketball teams in Canada play
against each other The game,
which involves throwing a football-
sized ball into a peach basket hung
ten feet above the ground, has
become a novelty sport in recent
years.
However the trip was not to be for
the boys of UBC El-feted from the
start, the team had to regroup just
outside of "Sale following a dysentery attack Problems compounded
when the team attempted to cross
the Fraser river by caulking their
wagon, only to see it sink halfway
through.
"I knew we should have paid the
five dollars for a ferry/ muttered
one member of the group
In the snowy conditions, the
boys steadfastly marched on,
hoping to represent the 'Varsity
in Edmonton. However, 150 kilometres past Revelstoke, the Yeti
appeared.
'It was nine feet tall, and looked
like we had rustled it out of hibernation',' said one. "'We all thought it
be best to retreat, but Harv would
UNIVERSITYLIFTS BAN
ON COCK FIGHTING
CONSTABLE: YOUNG MEN WARNED TO 'KEEP THEIR
COCKS IN HAND'
UBC has folded on its recent ban of Cock-fighting on campus
after considerable folderol from Student Body cock-enthusiasts.
"Cock-fighting detracts from the academic goals of this
University," said Dean Sullivan Cornelius O'Brian. "Students cannot be made to learn when they cannot stop
thinking of their cocks."
After several hundred gathered at the Knoll on Tuesday to show their discontent with the ban, UBC has decided that cock fighting will be allowed to continue, albeit with strict regulations.
Campus Security Constable Dickins Butler expressed
serious concerns. "This campus cries out for Order. Our
young men must comport themselves with the requisite
dignity of British Subjects. We cannot have them whipping out their cocks and having a go at it whenever they
so please."
Under the new rules, Cockers can no longer pit their
birds in fights against each other wherever they please.
A cock fighting pit has been recently installed in the Student Union Shack to allow a safe and private place for
students to enjoy a sporting good time with their birds.
have none of it Said we owed our
school the chance to fight on'.'
UBC Athletic Director Rob Fillup
said that the 'Yeti Incidenf,' while
unfortunate, was another reason
why the blue and gold should compete against American schools
"Ultimate^ we not only want to
Wng the best athletes of Canada to
our campus, but we want them fac-
ingthe best and safest competitiori.'
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
UBC REGULATES
CAMPUS GYPSY-BOXING
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
PUGILIST'SMELLS LIKE
BOLSHEVISM'
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
The UBC Pugilist Society, colloquially referred to as the
"gypsy boxers," is fighting
university regulations tooth
and nail. UBC is attempting
to impose safety regulations
to the sport, including the
donning of gloves and refer-
eed matches.
Thaddeus Mayweather, the
super heavyweight of the gypsy boxers, weighing in at over
180 pounds, is flabbergasted
by the recent turn of events.
"We conduct all our fights in
the stables behind the Student
Union Shack by lantern light after sundown. It's way past curfew No one is even supposed
to know about us. It must be
those communist spies. I told
my fellow pugilists, 'The first,
and only, rule of gypsy boxing:
don't talk about gypsy boxing! In fact, if I find out who
told you about us...they are in
for some serious tarring and
feathering;'
"Gloves and arbitrators?
What's next? Stopping the
fights after knockouts? Pausing the fights to apply tourniquets and salt wounds?" he
said. "We had our lowest death
toll this year, of only 12 boxers.
More people die in duels every
year!'
However, the bare knuckles of
the gypsy boxers are not UBC's
only concern on campus. Their
"regulations" also threaten the
Cockfighters and Polo Team.
Despite the obvious hierarchy of nature, with men
above animals, some ultra-
liberals at the UBC have suggested that animals should be
given rights, much the same
as women have recently demanded.
"If we can't watch cocks fight
to the death, what purpose do
they have in our lives?" one
cock fighting enthusiast queried. "Same goes for riding
horses. They don't need rest,
they were made to carry us on
their backs'.'
These regulations threaten the
sportive pastimes (and bookie
industries) on campus. In order to preserve tradition, we
must resist this tyranny and
remain independent of such
roustabouts. 10
THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
COMICS
PHILOSOPHRENIC BY RACHAEL FREEDMAN
HOROSCOPE By Alastar Crawley
ARIES
»?ut a smile upon your face today, and do not shy away from
others. For lo! the Great Ala-
star Crawley sees the wisdom
of strangers in your future.
Perhaps benefits will waft towards you from Eastern quarters like spices on the trade
winds. Or perhaps here, at
home, you will discover a hitherto untapped fount of Providential Force.
TAURUS
I see a person in your life, and
they are a Hungry Ghost. They
weigh you down with pleas for
pity, and deafen your ears with
their beggars' shouts. Pay them
no heed! You, like every other
Man or Woman, are descended
from the Astral Body, and the
fire or True Will lies in your
heart. Reach for it, and power
will be yours.
GEMINI
Some would seek to damper
your Animal Powers with
words of admonishment. At
this time, more than ever, you
must fight off their chains. I,
the Beast 69, foresee this, and
I declare it will be so. Unleash
the heaving of breasts, the
thrusting of hips. Only with the
Fire of Animal Nature win y°u
burn down the Citadels of the
Old God!
CANCER
0, little crab, you know not
whence you crawl. This is a
time of darkness and hibernation. The Shadows of Unimaginable Horrors dart at the edge
of your vision. Turn inward to
your Central Point, and perform Ablutions to the Sleeping One beneath the Sea. Only
when he awakens will you be
able to stride boldly across the
Sands of Time.
LEO
Do not fear, Proud lion. For tho'
a spear has pierced your side and
the Waters of Regret pour forth
from your Stigmatic wound, the
Time of Healing will soon be
upon you and upon us all. Dress
your chambers with mistletoe and frankincense, and with
steady hand trace the Old Signs
upon your parlour floor.
VIRGO
j?ure One, the Sephiroth and the
Celestial Bodies alike are aligned
in your favour today. This is a
time of great power. Your Enemies bare their Throats. Strike!
Do not hesitate. like the Sacred
Maiden who dreams of the Crimson Stain her deflowering will
cast upon the Altar Cloth, you too
anticipate blood. Drink deep and
quench your True Heart's thirst
LIBRA
Trifle not, today, with sweet
meats or downy cloth. There is
work to be done. As in Aeons
of Old, the Slumbering Earth
awaits a descent from the
stars, and the Great Lord stirs
in his City beneath the waves.
You are in his Dreams, as are
All who are faithful to Him.
Deny yourself today the pleasures of your Mortal Shell. For
it will soon be put to shame by
your new Form.
SCORPIO
Do not fear the dreams that
haunt you nightly. Verily, they
are visions. The swirling mists,
the Cyclopean Towers climbing into an Alien Sky: These
are all tidings for you—and
you alone—of the New Era
to come. The cold sweat that
drenches your Slumbers is
unto you as the Holy Water to
the Baptist—only these Waters
bring Truth, and not Lies!
SAGITTARIUS
Take all the knives in your
house and place them in a
circle on your Bed Chamber's
floor. Chant aloud the Prayer
the Dark Winged One whispered in your ear that night
you first dreamt of the Sleeping City beneath the Sea. Curl
your body into the Ninth Form,
and wait. The Morning Star
will bring sweet Liberation.
CAPRICORN
Fear not Death's Kiss. It is
but an Illusion to distract the
Masses from the Endless Horror of their Disembodied Fate.
The time is now. Remove your
shoes, and begin walking towards the Ocean. Let no Man
or Beast stop you. The Song
of Eternity is calling. Heed its
sweet darkness. There is only
One for you now, and He Awaits
on the Edge of Slumber.
AQUARIUS
You cannot turn back now. You
have gone Too Far. The cluttering of the rats in the walls has
subsided, and in the ensuing
hush, there comes the Piping of
a blind idiot god. Can you hear
its tune? Its noiseless whine?
Only the Great One, the Gift of
the Stars, can free you from
the Tyranny of Flesh. Turn to
his light. Take your sharpest
knife, and trace the Elder Sign
on your Brow. That's it. You are
almost ready.
PISCES
By all the Stars of Heaven, by
the Empty Soul of this Blighted
Earth! It is here! He has Come!
la! la! The heavens open like
the mouth of a Lecherous
Priest, and utter the Words
that will turn the tides to blood
and the brains of your enemies
to spiders' filaments. la! Let
Dead Names echo down streets
drenched in ichor. Let R'lyeh
rise from the Churching Sea!
Gather, 0 petty Creatures. Beg
not for Mercy, for the Great
One does not forgive the Ignorant. Oh God! I can see forever!
la! la! Cthulhu Fhtagn! Ph'nglui
mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh
wgah'nagl fhtagn!
NEED A VEHICLE?
LEASES FOR INTERNATIONAL
STUDENTS
1 (888) 583-5231
Ask for Larisa
" Affordable Monthly
lit Required    _f „
No Cre
Low Down Payment ^ Cars & SUVs
Specializing in Imports
VISIT US AT  www.RICHMONDSlTB.ARU.com
RICHMOND
We offer:
• Compact and portable
Hydrogen Storage
• MH Tank Refilling Services
• Stackable PEM Fuel Cells
viropowercells.com/store
LSAT MCAT
GMAT GRE
Preparation Seminars
• Complete 30-Hour Seminars
• Convenient Weekend Schedule
• Proven Test-Taking Strategies
• Experienced Course Instructors
• Comprehensive Study Materials
• Simulated Practice Exams
• Limited Class Size
• Free Repeat Policy
• Personal Tutoring Available
• Thousands of Satisfied Students
OXFORD SEMINARS
604-683-3430
1-800-269-6719
www.oxfordseminars.ca
Mr Pickles-worth's
Homemade
Aubergine Jam
"WHO SAID
AUBERGINES
WEREN'T
VERSATILE?" DECEMBER 9, XXXX
THE UBICEE
11
OPINIONS, LETTERS TO
THE EDITOR, AND OTHER
UNBRIDLED EXPRESSIONS
OF FREE THOUGHT
MAKE A YANKEE
OUT OF ME
It has come to the attention of this reporter that our
Great and Virtuous British Columbia is part of what a
few pernicious Toronto fat cats are calling "Canada."
Well, news to me!
I ask you now, dear reader: have you ever seen this
"Canada?" What has this "Canada" done for you to-day?
I say to you now: this "Canada" has done nothing for
the good people of this province. These Eastern Captains of Industry have repeatedly sullied the honour of
Miss British Columbia, lifting her skirts with their lascivious, lecherous economic policy, and trying to make
light of all that is chaste and good.
This publication grows weary of Eastern Tariffing,
Confederationing and Rail-roadery. I say it's time we
give this "Canada" a good dressing-down! Thus "The
Ubicee" humbly submits its approval of a UNION WITH
THE AMERICAN STATES.
Really, is it too late to switch?
Despite this paper's love for Empire, our callous, Eastern Frank-ophile brethren cast off the loving embrace
of our Mother Country. Now, as an urchin in the streets,
preyed upon by deviants and mal-contents, Miss British Columbia must clutch to the bosom of some Benefactor. I say, make a Yankee out of me!
Confederation? I say to you: confoundation!
THE ORIENT IS YOURS
FOR THE TAKING!
For the young enterprising
student, UBC is now offering an adventuring opportunity in the farthest Orient. In its latest effort to
become a "worldy university," it has begun an Exchange Program with the
British Raj, which is looking for sprightly men who
would lend their services
to King and Empire.
I, as a former participant in this great opportunity, would encourage
all to apply for what is
assuredly a once in a lifetime chance. Vancouver
men would serve directly under the Viceroy himself and travel around to
every corner of the Great
Subcontinent.
On my trip, I was imparted many skills that
have proven themselves
both useful to my studies
and surely advantageous
to any future positions I
should look to see within
the Indian regiments.
Although defending
young British damsels
against hordes of venomous cobras and successfully wrestling tigers to the
ground may make excellent yarns to boast about
over ales, these were but
jaunty diversions.
The True Skills came
about the day-to-day experiences, which although
not as glamorous, will
certainly leave a more
lasting impact.
One experience that is
especially memorable was
when the Viceroy asked
me to correct a clerical
error regarding a "Mola
Ram," a well-establish
Thugee priest with a penchant for skull helmets
who had not registered
his religion with the proper Authorities.
And now while it may
not appear that tracking down one little priest
would require much gallivanting about, I found myself involved in quite a little doomsday plot that involved a number of magical stones, brainwashed
politicians and a mine cart
chase.
Some students may think
it a bore to confront a megalomaniac cannibalistic
priest over a gorge, but
let me tell you, throwing
that man into the river to
be devoured by crocodiles
is certainly something to
place on one's resume.
Overall, I feel that my
time in the East was not
only satisfactory, but imparted on me a great deal
of on-the-job experience.
I highly recommend it to
other students.
Sincerely,
I. Jones
CORRESPONDENCE j
Editor "Ubicee,"
Dear Sir,
It was come to my attention
that the quality of this publication, once thought to be
of a comparable quality to
other pamphlets of its type,
has descended into the tomfoolery one would expect of
the yellow rags back east!
In the past few issues, I
have seen a plethora of biased articles, poorly placed
punctuation marks, and a
general lack of standards
which this so-called paper
used to hold dear. For shame!
I can only assume this is
an aberration to this year,
and henceforth such complaints will be minor.
Regards,
JOE C.
were quite fine to keep the
established order of the day.
But I digress. Now, B. Jean is
in a position much like mine.
And, having hindsight, I
believe he must apologize for
his actions, or face the wrath
of all fair-minded people on
our campus. Some may call
such an action smug or hypocritical. And to them, I say,
"Neener neener neener." And
to B. Jean, I say, "Guffaw
and ha. Ha ha."
FLAKE RHETORIC
Editor "Ubicee,"
Dear Sir,
Having once been President
of the Almost Matters Society and gotten into a fair
share of kerfuffles myself,
I feel it prudent to give that
scalywag B. Jean Amadienne
some advice.
When I filed a paper to
the Congress of Berlin to appeal the human rights atrocities in Austria-Hungary, I
was re-soundly vilified and
mocked for trying to influence international diplomacy. Despite the fact that I
had campaigned to bring to
light the atrocities of Austria-Hungary! Oh, hypocrisy, thou art fickle!
In any case, I was forced
to take such drastic measures, because the council
was controlled by colonialists and Young Whigs, who
Editor "Ubicee,"
I would like to call into question the Morality of that oft-
quoted Freshette who goes
by the initials M.C. I have
seen her at many social
events of the semester—the
Freshman dance, the homecoming rugby game, and so
forth. And yet, at each event,
I see her with another man!
Arrrgh!
This would be merely peculiar, if not for the fact that
I, esteemed member of society that I am, had not implied my interest in her on
many an occasion, only to be
spurned in favour of younger, fitter boys.
How vexing!
If I were to complain publicly about this, my steady
would assuredly rap me over
the knuckles for my impropriety. Then again, she also
does the same for such minor offenses as commandeering a horse while inebriated. The fairer sex is a fickle beast indeed.
Regards,
I sign myself,
A DOCTOR AND A
SCIENTIST
The
"Modern
Woman"
Advice for the "new type"
of girl, who wishes to retain
her "old-fashioned" values.
DEAR MODERN WOMAN,
Though I do not mean to
boast, as a busy Co-ed with
plenty of admirers, I often
find myself run down, unattractive and pale. I have
tried simply everything for
my constitution: a daily cigarette, glasses of whole milk,
even pills which advertise renewed vigour and "pep." My
physician advises rest and relaxation, but my schedule interferes with sleep. And gosh,
would you leave a beauty of
a dance just to have some
beauty rest? Please do advise.
Trustfully Yours,
SLEEPLESS BEAUTY
Dear Sleepless,
What a schedule you must
have! Your essential problem,
if it is to be believed, seems
to be that you are too much
in demand. Aside from reducing the number and demands of your social circle,
what can you do, indeed? The
Modern Woman would recommend that since you cannot improve the quantity of
your rest hours, you improve
their quality instead.
Of those requirements essential for proper sleep, the
first is a relaxed mind and
body. There is a marvellous
new invention, hand- or battery-operated by your physician or a nurse in the home,
which can be used to treat
hysteria and other, no less
harmful disorders, amongst
which is your particular kind
of restlessness. This modern electro-mechanical device uses a mild Vibration,
or Vibratory Motion, in the
technical parlance, to circulate and stimulate the blood
whilst simultaneously relaxing the musculature.
Its effects are so dramatic
that, if the testimonials are
to be believed, young ladies
are fully prepared to throw
over their beaux for the doctor's office. Your results, of
course, may vary.
DEAR MODERN WOMAN,
I have never considered myself old-fashioned, but next
to these modern girls I feel
rather a slumgullion. Imported fashion magazines, as the
Devil's Writings, are not allowed in my household, but I
require an up to the moment
wardrobe. What would you
recommend as the appropriate wrist length for modest
modern dresses?
Yours,
BASHFUL HANDMAIDEN
Dear Maiden,
It depends rather upon the
length of the ankle hem and
the attractiveness of the wrist
in question. For hems falling above the ankle, wrists
should be fully covered; for
those below, an expanse of
wrist of no more than an inch
and a half may be shown, or
the wearer may find herself
looking tawdry.
When in doubt, let gloves
be your byword. 12
THE UBICEE
DECEMBER 9, XXXX
This mutual campus
we share amongst
scholars
Thunderbird
appropriated
Our Varsity Boys in Gold and
Blue may soon be going by the
name "Thunderbirds," an alias
taken from an exciting mythological creature recently appropriated from the natives.
The Thunderbird, a monstrosity whose beating wings
are said to create storms and
thunder, was previously under-used by the natives. Ignorant of how majestic their
mythological figure is, it was
referenced in stories sorely
lacking Christian sensibilities
and morals and was found
primarily on large wooden
carvings that litter the countryside. Now righteously liberated for decent use, it will
be well-employed in the decoration of university jerseys,
beer steins and bath towels.
General RobLaithup, Director
of Athletics and Fitness, recounted how he first heard the tale of
the majestic beast.
"I happened upon a ceremony in which the natives told
tales of mythical birds which
could shoot lightning from
their eyes," said Laithup. "I
immediately saw the creature
as a perfect possible mascot
for industries such as a furniture store or a fish cannery,
although those in attendance
did protest such suggestions
in their foolish adherence to
heathen tradition."
Parliament of Canada
Become a
Parliamentary
Guide
Give guided tours of Parliament
Apply online!
Deadline: Friday January 14,2011
CALL  FOR NOMINATIONS
UBYSSEY
BOARD OF
DIRECTORS
Deadline is January 7th, 2011. Nomination
forms are available in SUB 23. This is not an
editorial position. Members of The Ubyssey's
Board of Directors are responsible for
overseeing the finances ofthe newspaper.
Responsibilities include attending a monthly
board meeting, tending to buisiness as it arises,
and overseeing personal projects.
Apply liberally to sensibilities. Side effects include laxening of prudishness.^
Thanks for reading, folk of the future. We hope that this glimpse into
the past shenanigans of The Ubicee
have filled you with pride, nostalgia and the occasional bout of gas.
See you in the next century!
Have a
Happy New Year.

Cite

Citation Scheme:

        

Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics

Share

Embed

Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                        
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            src="{[{embed.src}]}"
                            data-item="{[{embed.item}]}"
                            data-collection="{[{embed.collection}]}"
                            data-metadata="{[{embed.showMetadata}]}"
                            data-width="{[{embed.width}]}"
                            async >
                            </script>
                            </div>
                        
                    
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:
http://iiif.library.ubc.ca/presentation/cdm.ubysseynews.1-0126129/manifest

Comment

Related Items