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The Ubyssey Apr 1, 2011

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THEUBYSSEYS ANNUAL SPOOF ISSUE!  APRIL 1/2011
FADBUSTERS ■
soda     ;
FIGHT CAPITALISM,
DRINK COLA 9 ,
OUR
MAYOR
WE THINK THAT HE
IS REALLY SEXY 5
HOUSING
WOES
PEOPLE COMPLAIN
ABOUT YUPPIES 8
CRAPPY
FILMS
ARE PASSED OFF
AS INTERESTING 6
■
THE-GEORGIAN
m
!&*
We put an < ctive woman on the
front page of The Taint
What she does isn't important,
'cuz good lookin' gals obviously
make you pick up our paper
v
*\
If
S   !
1    ■
LIBERALS MADE
A DECISION
THE NDP SAY 'BOO, THAT'S
A BAD DECISION' 3
A FAMOUS
PERSON'S NAME
THEY HAD A CONFERENCE CALL
AND SAID SOMETHING CATTY 12
VAN-MOTHER-
FUCKING-COUVER!
THE BEST-EVER CITY, PANDERED
TO BY AN ALT WEEKLY 30
ESCORTADS50»SOMEBAND23»HOTYOGA9»ADVERTISEMENTS2-64 letters
Crochet circles a
reprieve from the grind
^^Your article on meditative
~ ornamental crochet circles
in obscure Nepalese mountain villages ("Eat, Pray, Meditate-while-
Crocheting,") resonated deeply
within me. It is inspiring to know
there are still places in the world
where we can escape the obsessed
consumerism of Western culture.
We are constantly bombarded
with messages by the capitalist institutions of the state and big business, telling us to "buy this thing"
or "get a job" or "stop spending all
day in your basement doing mushrooms." What ldnd of a life is ffiis?
When we submit to the oppressions of liberal democracy, our
inner energy reserves grow flaccid and impotent. We must arouse
ourselves, grip the needles of Nepalese ornamental crochet tightly in
our fists and re-awaken the animal
spirit that lies dormant in the recesses of our souls.
Also, is it possible to hitchhike
to Nepal? Because I don't really
have any money at the moment.
> KORBAN GATTICKSON /
TAINT.COM
Nepal is gentrified
^^ You're too late, Georgian
^ Taint. Meditative ornamental
crochet circles in obscure Nepalese mountain villages are no longer "authentic" Nepalese culture,
because they've been overrun with
Westerners trying to find themselves. These days, if you want
to experience the real Nepal and
truly discover the essence of your
being, you need to go to an even
more obscure mountain village
and take in the ancient custom
of hoola-hooping while riding a
rhinoceros while stoned. But let's
just keep this to ourselves, Taint
readers, because as soon as too
many people start doing it we'll
have to find something newer and
weirder.
> WHILLAN GREGOROVICH /
TAINT.COM
Harper's policies are
just wrong. All of them.
Argh, don't you just hate
Stephen Harper? That guy really
makes me mad. Rrrrrrrrr.
> KATHERINE PATTERFIELD/
TAINT.COM
Pretty researcher/
singer/celebrity perks
me up!
Thank you for your feature
last week on the Pretty Lady! ("A
Pretty Lady Does Something") I
think it's important for us to see
Pretty Ladies out in the world
today, doing those things that
they do. Could you please bring
us more of this coverage? We just
don't hear enough about Pretty
Ladies, and I'm glad the Taint is
doing its part to bring this neglected subject into the spotlight.
> GUY MANN /
TAINT.COM
LIES! ALL LIES!
^VI was deeply disappointed
by the story in your previous issue ("New Medical Dispensaries Budding in Kits") in which
you refer to cannabis as a Drug.
Cannabis is not a DRUG it is a
MEDICINE that has been used
by the Ancient Hindus, Egyptians,
Atlanteans and Nomadic Asian
Shamans & has formed the basis
for most of Human CIVILIZATION. To call cannabis a DRUG
is to propagate the LIES invented
by the CIA and spread by the Roman Catholic Church (& their
perverted PRIESTS) and the State
of "Israel" in order to justify the Illegal Drug War against Citizens of
the WORLD. Cannabis appears in
the Old Testament as Manna from
HEAVEN and as the Tree of Life
and was Sanctified by Jesus at the
Last Supper, which Great Italian
painter Leonardo Da Vinci recorded in his painting ofthe event.
Shame on you Georgian Taint, and
shame on our government for believing the Lies of the Deceivers
and Snakes who imprison & KILL
the practitioners of the Art of
Nurturing and growing the Sacred
Herb. One day there will be justice
and you will all pay for your demonic and profane Lies.
> LEONARD MILLBANKS III /
TAINT.COM
Bore yourself more online at
www.taint.com/.
Send all letters to lettersmaint.
com. Yours may not get published if our mail-sorting chimp
decides to eat it.
The Georgian Taint | Vancouver's News and Entertainment Weekly and the Area Between the Genetials
and the Anus | Volume 420 Number 69
Room 24, Student Union Building, 6138 Student Union Boulevard, Vancouver, B.C. V6T1Z1 www.taint.com
Phone: 604-822-2301 / Fax: nada / e-mail: feedback@ubyssey.ca
Print Advertising: 604-822-1654 / e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.ca
Web Advertising: 604-822-1658 / e-mail: webads@ubyssey.ca
COORDINATING EDITOR
Sparky McBeHboy
SECTION EDITORS
People Like Me [News]
James Waterfield &
Sheriff Warnes (Culture]
Tiberius Tiger (Features]
J'aime Le Sport (Sports]
Geofffffff ListerrnT [Photos]
Crawshaw Bolongulo [Copy]
Barbie Tuna (Multimedia]
Mickiangelo's David [Video]
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Smilin' Stalin
Sick Steph
STAFF WRITERS
Pretty Lady, Sassy Pretty Lady
CONTRIBUTORS
That Guy
That Other Guy
And This Dame
PRODUCTION MANAGER
Virgin Nards
ILLUSTRATOR
Magical Elfin Lady
WEBMASTER
Server Guy
BUSINESS MANAGER
Fernando
PRINT AD SALES
Crazy Screaming Lady
WEB AD SALES
P'buooi
ACCOUNT'S
Two Scoops of Hoopes
The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of British Co-
umbia. It is published every Monday and Thursday by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organization, and all students are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The
Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained here-
n cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission of The
Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press (CUP) and
adheres to CUP's guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include your phone
number, student number and signature (not for publication) as well as your
year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be checked when submissions
are dropped off at the editorial office of The Ubyssey; otherwise verification
will be done by phone. "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but
under 750 words and are run according to space. "Freestyles" are opinion
pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters and
perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is time sensitive. Opinion pieces
will not be run until the identity of the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey
reserves the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must
be received by 12 noon the day before intended publication. Letters received
after this point will be published in the following issue unless there is an urgent time restriction or other matter deemed relevant by the Ubyssey staff
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising that if the
Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error
n the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will not be greater than the price paid
for the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.
^* ^^f^     Canadian
TT'f^f-^     University
S|?* Rainforest
Alliance
Canada Post
Sales Agreement
#0040878022
WoT&i£eyfcgft
S HOT YOGA YOU DO ON YOUR BIKE!
Tiredofhavingtochoosebelweenridingyour
bike,doinghotyogaandeatingdeliciousraw
vegancuisine?DoallthreeatKit's!Ourconve-
nient4thAvelocationisjustashortridefrom
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+ biKevby* 604.555.6678
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2    THE GEORGIAN TAINT    APRIL 1 / 2011 taint talk
BC PLACE CRYSTAL
FINALLY CHARGED
The giant space crystal in the
heart of BC Place has finally
charged, say officials.
The crystal—a four-ton meteorite which touched down in the
heart of present day Abbotsford
on October 13, 1867—has been
charging for the past twenty
years.
"BC Place itself is really just a
housing mechanism for the crystal," said Walter Heisenberg.
"It accumulates human soul-
force from the surrounding city
then channels it into the crystals
via admantium-plated cables."
Heisenberg is the foremost
spokesman for the Acolytes of
the Crystal, a mysterious cult
and registered charity that has
maintained ownership of the
crystal since its arrival on Earth
144 years ago. The group's duties include maintenance of both
the crystal and its charging harness, which is formed of pure
energy filtered through a regulation mechanism—the blueprints
for which, says Heisenberg, were
discovered in the ruins of Atlantis.
"My forefathers dreamed of
this day," said Heisenberg. "Their
deaths will not have been in vain."
While no sources—including
the Acolytes—have been able
or willing to explain the purpose
off the crystal, or its expected
effects, nearby residents did not
seem concerned by its otherworldly, pulsing glow.
"As long as it doesn't drive my
property price down, I'm fine with
it,"said Don Harrington, who lives
within sight of BC Place. "But I
have to wonder how they managed to find any soul-force in
Yaletown."
DAVID SUZUKI GIVEN
AWARD
David Suzuki blah blah international award blah free-range
eggs warmed by solar panels. Su
zuki, who is blah blah blah god on
earth blah blah awesome, was a
blah blah UBC blah Pit Pub.
'The planet is blah blah 2045
blah blah 80 per cent blah Greenland," he said, stroking his blah
blah beard. "Blah blah Nature of
Things blah blah heat stroke blah
blah Columbia."
Defar Wright, a spokesperson for the Fraser Institute, which
blah blah funding blah blah neo-
convervatives, said that Suzuki's
award was foolish, adding blah
blah blah.
"Blah blah carbon tax blah blah
giraffes," he said. "Blah blah Gordon Campbell blah Saturn blah."
Suzuki was unavailable for comment.
BC LIBERALS RESPOND
TO NDP CRITICISM
BC Premier and Liberal leader
Christy Clark responded today
to NDP criticisms blah blah
environmental deregulation blah
blah.
The concern is blah blah," she
said, before adding, "It is important
to note that this only blah blah blah."
NDP Environment critic Rob
Fleming said that wasn't good
enough. In a recent policy proposal,
Fleming blah blah blah by 2015, by
taxing blah blah corporations.
"For ten years the Liberals
have blah blah environment blah
privatized blah disregard for
nature," he said. "Ordinary British
Columbians blah blah our future blah."
Mel Lehan, wonderful human
being, also weighed in.
"Blah blah Canada Line, blah
alternative options blah run of the
river," he said.
CAMPBELL STILL A
DOUCHEMONKEY
Despite being retired, Gordon
Campbell blah blah stupid blah
blah mean blah rich blah peak oil
blah Gateway Project.
In a recent poll, it was discovered nine out of ten Taint editors
who hated Campbell in 2005 still
hate him, for simmering reasons
they can't put their finger on.
"CanWest!" said Chipper
Smitty in response. "BC Rail blah
blah Olympics blah blah children
and families blah," he added.
Though no longer premier,
Campbell only dropped from #2
to #6 on The Taints "Gratuitous
Potshots List," trailing Stephen
Harper, Sarah Palin, George
W. Bush, Michael Ignatieff, and
whoever the hell it was that made
those arts cuts.
SMOKING BANNED
WITHIN SIX FEET OF
TREES
The City of Vancouver will introduce a by-law this summer that
imposes penalties upon any
smokers caught lighting up within
six metres of trees.
"Smoking has proven harmful to
trees in blah blah studies blah blah
blah instances of leaf spot," said
council member Sarah Li. "And
trees blah blah can get cancer, so
blah blah erectile dysfunction."
NDP Environment critic Rob
Fleming endorsed the decision.
"It has been an established
fact for many years now that
trees blah blah carbon footprint
blah polar bears and baby penguins," he said, adding, "Blah
blah, Alberta oil sands."
However, proprietors of some
downtown businesses are concerned that the decision will negatively affect them.
"Many of our customers enjoy
both fresh green foliage and cigarettes," said Larry Lundstrom,
owner of Ballsweat, a new club
on Hastings Street. "If people
aren't allowed to smoke near
trees, blah blah blah declining
revenues, blah blah liquor sales
blah 'Don't tread on me.'"
No set date has been determined for the introduction of the
by-law, although blah blah blah
sometime in June.
ARTS CUTS DECRIED BY
PROTESTERS
On Monday, over 70 protesters
gathered outside the Vancouver
Art Gallery to blah blah blah blah
blah blah arts cuts last blah blah
blah blah blah.
"Blah blah vital blah community," said Loren Emmitt, a Vancouver fabrics artist who blah
blah protests. "We need to show
the Liberal government blah blah
feelings."
A VAG press release following
the cuts blah blah stated, "The
arts are essential to dialogue
blah blah diverse groups blah
blah blah."
Ronald White, a collage artist
whose exhibition, Blah, was prematurely shut down when blah
blah blah blah, said he thought
the protestors made their message clear to passerby.
"Blah was my first exhibition,
and blah blah blah," he said, adding, "Blah blah blah blah, blah
blah."
The protest lasted blah blah
blah blah, blaaaaahhhhhhhhh,
blah blaaaahhhhh, blah blah blah
blah, blahblah blah.
> SHERIFF WARNES
Trust
funds and
yayo
Retail locations:
Williamsburg
Austin
119 Elitist St.
6879 Churro St.
(Across from my brownstone)
Phone:313-233-2039
Phone: 333-233-2039
Montreal
Portland Southeast
223 Pepsi St.
Somewhere on Hawthorne
(Across from that bar
(Near the crappy Powell's)
you can smoke inside)
Phone: 333-233-2038
Phone: 333-230-2039
Portland Northeast
Yaletown?
(Across from the Chinese
2998 $$$$$ Ave.
themed dive bar)
(Across from a homeless
Phone: 333-233-2037
dude)
Phone: 333-733-2039
Fucking Seattle
all the time
You've Never Heard of It
8891 Grunge St.
???? MissingNo. St.
Phone: 333-233-2039
(Across from we have it
on vinyl)
The Bay Area
Phone: 300-233-2039
3345 Rainbow Rd.
(Across from that
sourdough bakery)
Phone: 333-233-2088
Americas Apparel
APRIL 1/2011    THE GEORGIAN TAINT   3 Vancouver voted
"Most Fuckable City
ii
> BY JAMES WATERFIELD
Vancouver has once again
earned the top spot on
The Economists annual "Most Fuckable City"
ranking, making this the fifth
year in a row the London-based
publication has told the city that
it would like to get in its pants.
The Economist's Erotic Information Unit compiles the rankings based on 30 factors within
five broad criteria: stamina, atten-
tiveness, kink, pure animal magnetism and a "wild card." Vancouver scored 98 out of a possible 100.
"Vancouver has consistently
proved itself to be the most livable—and fuckable—city in the
world," said Christopher Bes-
ley, vice provost at the London
School of Economics and a member ofthe unit. "Not only does
the city score highly on education and infrastructure, but it
has also shown itself to be a tender lover that's not afraid to get
a little hot and nasty."
"The Erotic Information Unit
began compiling its rankings
based on a series of dinner dates
with the cities," said Wendy Graham, a Senior Research Fellow at
the University of Cambridge who
headed the unit. "Vancouver invited me back to its place, where
we engaged in heavy petting that
culminated in a full body orgasm lasting several minutes."
City Officials announced the
news at a press conference at
City Hall Tuesday.
"When Simon Fraser and his
crew established their first camp
in the area that is now Vancouver, how could they have known
that it would grow into a city
that would cause earth-shattering sexual pleasure to all who
encounter it?" asked City Manager Michael Chu. "It certainly
speaks to the dynamism ofthe
city's people and history."
The conference also included the unveiling of a new slogan
"Vancouver: Oh It's So Good.
Don't Stop, Don't Stop," and an
Action Plan titled "My Eyes Are
Up Here." The plan hopes to
make Vancouver a more well-
rounded lover by 2025.
"While this is certainly a
cause for celebration, it is also
an opportunity to look to the future," said Chu. "Vancouver will
not always be the virile pleasure
machine it is today. It's time to
look to ways that we can perhaps
be a better lover in the long term,
to really form strong emotional bonds with those we love. To
have conversations that go beyond screams of ecstasy."
The BC Legislature yesterday
approved a new provincial slogan in light of Vancouver's first-
place finish.
"I am very pleased to announce our new slogan, "British Columbia: Fuck the World,"
said Minister of Tourism, Trade
and Investment Michael Smith.
"The province is uniquely situated to become a world-class
fuck buddy."
Vancouver was followed
closely by Chicago, Illinois.
Besley attributed Chicago's second-place win to its popularity
with "those among us who like
to get smacked around a little," and the presence of Rahm
Emanuel.^
FUCKABILITY
RANKINGS BY CITY
TOP FOUR
HONOURARI FMFNTION
1.   VANCOUVER
Giant.... mountains
Open minded
1.
PORTLAND
Even more 'fair trade'
Erotic microbrews
2.      CHICAGO
Bad boy, good looks
Rahm Emanuel
2.
KIEV
A cheap date
Major bride exporter
3.      COPENHAGEN
So, like, progressive
See also: all of Scandinavia
3.
PRAGUE
Kafkaesque boning
Older, 'grey fox1 type city
4.      RIO DE JANEIRO
Good lord, the mu
Thongs, all the tin
scles
ie
4.
TORONTO
Bwahahaha! No, just kidding.
/
So High up.
God knows
how many
stones, it
won't even
matter where
it's located.
Going for far too much
CoC
Co. Construction
LIFE CHOICES +
SUCCESS IS RELATIVE
604.666.77777
www.lifechoices.ca
HEY FATSO!
>»Has mind-numbing work destroyed your boyish physique? Do you regularly consume fried and
fatty foods because you've become too tired and ornery to give a shit? Do you want to return to a time
where you didn't cringe at seeing natural light?
Try living a reasonably active and healthy life!
At Life Choices, we help idiot man-children learn how to live just this side
of total squalor. Our qualified instructors will teach you:
(^_^^ •Wash your body with soap
FDA 1 • Maybe eat fries less often
APPROVED I
•Drink 3 nights a week instead of 5 or 6
•Generally get your shit together
GET RESULTS AFTER A LITTLE WORK
BEFORE
AFTER
WHY WAIT? YOUR MUSCLES ARE ATROPHYING!
4   THE GEORGIAN TAINT    APRIL 1 / 2011 EROTICA
//
I am the mayor of your world.
/#
> BY SHERIFF WARNES
Bike lanes," said the
mayor. "Vancouver
needs more bike
lanes."
Mayor Roberts dismounted his
bicycle with fluid animal grace,
his calves taut and glistening with
sweat and hundreds of gently
curling, filamentous hairs. The
silicone leg grippers woven into
his MEC Randonneur shorts
outlined his exquisitely sculpted
thighs. Those thighs had tales to
tell, tales of tilling rich, Certified
Organic Delta soil; of roaming New
Zealand's mythic terrain; of diving
for shellfish in hidden French
Polynesian coves. If they were
bards, Roberts's thighs would strum
harps strung with the heartstrings
of star-crossed lovers.
"Sustainability," said Roberts,
undoing the clasp on his Alpina
Pheos Road Helmet. "Being
sustainable is good. What are we
leaving for our children?"
Roberts removed the helmet
and shook his short-cropped hair
with the graceful abandon of a
young bull elk. Silver drops of
perspiration traced constellations
in the early morning air. As he
drew closer, his scent became
palpable. Roberts's pores diffused
the air around him with an aura
of ancient red cedars and fresh,
moving water, underpinned with
a primal muskiness, the perfume
of tangled sleeping bags in a two-
person pup tent in the Kootenays
after a night of passionate rutting.
"The future ofthe planet is inside
each of us," said Roberts, so close
that his body heat could be felt.
"Inside me, inside you. Vancouver."
Beneath his black Castelli Aero
racing jersey, Roberts's nipples
were erect.
"Have you tried my juice?" he
asked. He reached into his pocket
and pulled out a 375 mL bottle
of Happy Planet Lost Lagoon
Mango. Unscrewing the lid, he
tipped the bottle over his head.
The thick, orange slurry gushed
over his scalp and neck, running
in thick, sensuous rivulets down
the twin slopes of his exquisite
collar bones. The fluid slid down
his broad farmer's chest and labour-
toned abs, descending to the
dark mysteries below, tracing his
bulging, multiple-density chamois-
clad manhood with delicate fingers
of pasteurized goodness.
Pressing close, Roberts's hips
began to rock back and forth like
a schooner sailing the Tropic
of Cancer. He ran his hands—
hardened by years of harvesting
organic fruit and the hearts of
women and men—over his own
tightly-wound buttocks, and
described a circle with the steady
gyration of his pelvis.
"I am the mayor," said Roberts,
and licked mango-apple juice from
his upper lip with a tongue soft and
pink as a Pacific sunset. "I am the
mayor ofyour world."
As Roberts's thrusting presence
reached a crescendo, a climax
of the senses that pounded any
notion of space or causality into
a shivering mist, he extended a
trembling hand. His dark brown
eyes brimming with secrets, filled
with hope and sorrow beyond
mortal comprehension, he mouthed
the words, "We are Stardust." ^
APRIL 1/2011    THE GEORGIAN TAINT   5 HYPOCRISY
DESIGN ASSOCIATES
BECAUSE MOM
AND DAD ALWAYS
SAID YOU WERE
SPECIAL
CALL 604.999.9999 TODAY
PEAK TO YOUR NEIGHBOURS
At M design, we know you deserve more. Since our founding in
2001, we've striven to provide the highest quality soulless glass
towers for the upper crust of Generation Me. Continue living at the
height of privilege in one of our five central locations. Because at ii,
money talks.
■■     DESIGN ASSOCIATES
Fadbusters creates a soda
FIZZY DRINK TO CONFRONT CORPORATE POWER STRUCTURES, PATRIARCHY
> BY COUNTRY BELLE
Fadbusters magazine is seeking to rescue the soda industry by undermining the Pepsi
and Coca-Cola monopolies. Their
new fizzy drink, ironically named
Unconsumed, will hit the shelves
this summer.
The Taint caught up with Teika
Yermoney, Fadbusters head of advertising and product design, who
explained the drink.
"This soda is about taking back
the industry from the Pepsi and
Coke monopoly holders," he said.
While Unconsumed soda will have
the same basic recipe as Pepsi and
Coke, they plan to use organic high
fructose corn syrup and all-natural
chemical flavouring.
"People just need an alternative.
They need to drink soda, but not
all people want to purchase from
such an evil company. Corporations. Alternative. Organic. George
Bush. Peace."
The magazine company recently
expanded their market into selling
shoes. VP Smug & Shoes, Bill Dodger, said "they look a lot like Converse, but are better because they
have this giant red spot on the end
for kicking corporate ass."
Just like with the shoe brand,
Fadbusters is very particular about
where they will be selling the
product.
"We are only selling to stores that
sell all-natural and organic products,
like Whole Foods or local grocers.
Nothing like Wal-Mart for sure, unless they really beef up their organic selection," said Dodger.
When asked if he saw any issues with contributing to products
on the market, he said there was no
inconsistency with their philosophy.
"When you have something that is
6    THE GEORGIAN TAINT    APRIL 1 / 2011
taint
BEST PLACES TO:
SMOKE WEED OUT OF A
CAN
I.The railroad tracks near
Burrard
2. Commercial and Broadway
Skytrain station
3. Front steps of the VAG
HEAR UNWANTED NEIL
YOUNG COVERS
1. Wreck Beach
2. Your Dad's house
3. Granville Strip
BUY LOTS OF ADSI
1. The Georgian Taint
2. Certainly not a publication
that Is not the Taint.
3. Okay we admit It: probably
the 24 or Metro
The soda will be devoid of labels, which, ifyou think about it, is actually
its own kind of labeling.
produced so thoughtfully for the
consumer's sake, it's just not capitalism anymore. It's just giving people awesome options, made from the
delicious sugar cane manufactured
by ethical companies who use renewable electricity under Fair Trade
agreements," he said.
Yermoney was confident Unconsumed will dominate the alternative
soda market.
"This product will, and needs to
become, a worldwide phenomenon
to take down the real enemies—the
corporations that wield power.
"We're not going to have fancy
commercials with Britney Spears
wearing brand name clothing
our anything like that either. Our
spokesperson wouldjustbe aregu-
lar, everyday, dirty hipster."
Gully Bullady is an avid reader
of Fadbusters and was excited when
she heard the news.
"I buy all their magazines. I find
our ideologies to really line up—I
hate this consumerist bullshit that
we are fed every day," she said.
Fadbuster's future in the food
and beverage industry looks bright.
"I had the idea the other day of expanding into potato chips," said
Yermoney.
"Imagine watching an independent film while eating our Unconsumed potato chips, sipping our soda,
and wearing our Blackspot brand
sneakers—all at a low price!" ^
THE 15TH ANNUAL
TAINT
READER'S CHOICE
AWARDS!
I_1L   ;
i
1
WLbgMJkW^^ |
■ir      ^"^-V-
___*_&
GOT A BUSINESS NEAR ONE OF THSE
HOTSPOTS? WANT TO BUY SOME ADS?
WE'VE GOT LOTS OF SPA CE!
CALL 604.822.1654
TAINT.CA tMilt  w% BY Ml KEY COX
A provincial government report addressing the
growing wave of young, douchebaggish entry-
level and junior professionals has been leaked to
the public by a noted anti-yuppie activist. Speaking under condition of complete anonymity, the
informant said he grows tired of what he continues to experience.
"Every time I see a dog the size of a football
wearing a sweater or mittens it reminds me ofthe
social injustices that these yuppies inflict on us
daily," said founder and sole member ofthe Coalition Against Understatedly Smug Citizens,
Anti-gentrif'cation activist?
say gentrification sucks
Patrick Douglas. "I believe these people pose a
threat to Canadian cultural norms and might encourage behaviour like being the guy who double-parks his Saab just enough that you have to
parallel park between him and those goddamn
SmartCars jammed in the space it says no one is
supposed to park in anyways."
The study by the Vancouver Institute for the
Study of Demographic Distribution of Goal Driven Young and Middle Aged Adults was sent to the
informant by virtue of him getting accidentally CC'ed to their mailing list. It found there has
been a spike in men and women aged 26 to 39
who are aloof, subtly condescending shitheads in
frustratingly well-paying positions at white-collar firms who rise to their station through a calculated strategy of self-promotion and spanking
the corporate monkey.
They generally purchase wine recommended by obscure magazines devoted to the subject and have yearly incomes of $70,000 or more,
intending to put something down on a place in
the near future that's tasteful but doesn't have to
be that bigbecause it's worth it for the short commute. Their emphasis on job title, career trajectory and who can outshine us peasants the most
has created a social phenomenon known as the
'Lenscrafter Effect.'
"There's been a definite increase in communities of people who don't mind fishing for the
nickel in the company's pocket," said VISDDG-
DYMAA spokesman Jeff Fitzgerald. "Instead of
talking with people they perceive to be inferior to themselves, about something like the playoffs for example, they tend to speak in sarcastic
undercurrents about work-related topics which
confuse anyone who isn't a total dick. This speech
attracts equally pretentious colleagues and bosses
to cheese tastings and other crap at the person's
residence, after which they often move to similar
housing to appear as though they couldn't possibly be so childish as to engage in a 'who-has-a-
bigger-house' competition."
City legislators are currently reviewing
the Lenscrafter Protocol, a policy of zoning restrictions intended to prevent the urban build-up of those lecherous vocational
whores, which if passed could halt construction on more than a dozen Vancouver condominium projects, including the Sitka-Polygon
endeavour out at UBC.^
Properties Trust LLC
604.555.5555
At JJ+P, we're committed to one thing, and that's driving property prices through the roof and into the sky. If
you've got a project aimed at the mega rich and don't mind getting your hands dirty, we're here to help.
JJ+P
APRIL 1/2011    THE GEORGIAN TAINT   9 I STALK YOU _
Hou else ulll you
lei your beloved
knou you've seen
then?
> Go on-line to read hundreds of I Stalk You posts on respond to a message <
PFFFFT.
I SAW fl:l I RM fl:1
WHEN: MARCH 23, 2011
WHERE: SKYTRAIN
I saw you on the Skytrain
yesterday. No, not you, you sad
sack. No one sees you. You are
just an indiscriminate blob, a grey
mass toiling day in and day out in a
meaningless existence. No one will
be there to mourn you when you
die; your tombstone will crumble
into dust.
MAKIN' ME BEG
I SAW A: IT I AM A: IT
WHEN: MARCH 26, 2011
WHERE: UINE STREET
You were coming out of Capers in
your lululemon pants and hunter
boots. I just wanted to be that little
dog waiting for you outside the
store. Take me home and make me
beg for treats. Woof.
WHO WAS THAT
WOMAN, OH GOD
:
I SAW A: IT I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 17, 2011
WHERE: HEAR SRANUILLE
You were driving in a car that costs
more than a Yaletown condo. I
don't know if you saw me. I was
on the 17 Downtown with my face
pressed against the window,
staring at your br...face. Your
beautiful, bouncy br... face. You
may have noticed my blond hair or
the slightly crazed look in my eyes.
God, I want to bone you.
DON'T LOOK
BEHIND YOU
I SAW A: I I AM A: I
WHEN: MARCH 30, 2011
WHERE: UBC
I see you in class every Tuesday
and Thursday. I creep you on
Facebook while staring at the back
ofyour head. I wait until you leave
so I can follow and walk close to
you in the hopes that you'll talk to
me. I think you're perfect.
I    WANT TO SEE
YOUR HOUSE
I SAW A: 1  I AM fl:f
WHEN: MARCH 6, 2011
WHERE: THE PARK
You: hipster father at Carnarvon
Park with two young boys. I didn't
see a ring. I can cook and clean and
make after school snacks. I'm very
nurturing. I'd be a great mother.
Boys need a mother.
HELLO THERE,
SIR
o •
I SAW A: 1 I AM A: 1
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: BILTMORE CABARET
We made eye contact at the
Biltmore on Saturday. I liked the
way you were noncommittally
bobbing your head. You said
you liked my ironic moustache
and side bag. We both know the
same weird band. I think we're
soul mates.
LET'S GET
PHYSICAL
I SAW A: ■ I AM A
WHEN: MARCH 15, 2011
WHERE: DEHMAH BIKE
SHOP
I bought a bike from your store
because you told me I looked
cute riding it. I told you I'm a yoga
instructor, mostly so you'd know
how flexible I am. Think of how
perfect our yoga-doing, bike-riding
children would be for this city. Best
$300 I've ever spent.
HELLO
i
I SAW A: IT    I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 4, 2011
WHERE: YOU KNOW WHERE
I'm watching you.
WHAT THE
HELL ARE YOU
STARING AT
I SAW A: I I AM A:T
WHEN: MARCH 22, 2011
WHERE: EUERY BUS I
TAKE
To the man on the 99: I can't
figure out if you remind me more
of Hannibal Lector or a member of
the Manson Family. Stop staring
at me. I'm only looking over at you
because I know that you're looking
at me. I am not attracted to your ZZ
Top beard or long fingernails and
that gap-toothed smile isn't working
for you either. Please stop staring.
You smell like an old onion bun.
I'M HUNGRY NOW
I SAW A: II I AM A: I
WHEN: MARCH 2, 2011
WHERE: CHANNEL 57
You were in a commercial selling
Keebler's Vienna Fingers. You were
the smiling brunette with a nice
lace shirt telling me about all the
deliciousness contained in one of
those cookies. I fell in love with you
at first sight. My diabetes will not
stand in the way of our saccharine
and slightly crumbly affair!
TO THE FINE
SPECIMEN IN
THE WOODS
IT
I SAW A: H I AM A: IT
WHEN: SAMHAIN NISHT,
DURING THE FULL MOON
WHERE: FOREST OF ARDEN
I saw you walking next to a ring of
mushrooms I am convinced is a
fairy circle. I was about to tell you to
watch out lest you crush the homes
ofthe fairies but then you struck me
with your piercing blue eyes. Let's
get together sometime, strip down
to our naked forms and make some
magic.
HERCULES
I SAW fl:™ I AM fl:™
WHEN: MARCH 13, 2011
WHERE: SOLO'S SYM
You were lifting 70kg weights. I
was lifting a bag of chips out of the
vending machine. I think you know
where I'm going with this.
WHY, LADY? WHY?
I SAW A:T I AM A:™
WHEN: MARCH 7, 2011
WHERE: OUTSIDE SCOTIABANK THEATRE
You were wearing a silver fox fur
coat. It actually horrified me. I
mean, you were gorgeous, but I
was mainly staring in horror at the
dead fox's face draped over your
shoulder. It just... it broke my heart.
You cruel, cruel, beautiful woman.
TO THE WINDOW
SMASHER
I SAW A:f I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: DOWNTOWN
You were throwing stones at a
window. I think you were probably
wasted. You actually broke my
office window, but it's okay because
I also believe you were nude while
you were throwing stones. You can
totally make up for it with dinner.
Also, you still have to be nude while
you make up for it.
WHERE'S MY
CHANGE?
:
I SAW AT I AM A:!
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: THE HOLE
You always order an espresso with
a side of biscotti at the Starbucks.
You were 20 cents short last time
you paid. I need those 20 cents to
create my large artwork of a canvas
covered in dimes, you dick.
Desperate/think you're funny? Go to taint.oon to post your FREE I Stalk You _
Teeling frisky? Try this
young colt on for size.
JK0b   HO   tfOY   JTblKM
TJKVIM   aniuMC?
(604-822-2301)
Call 003-333-3333
* Hananas not included in service.
10    THE GEORGIAN TAINT    APRIL 1/2011 brutal love
> BY DON BRUTAL
Dear Don,
I have recently started dating a new guy
and the sex is (mostly) great. We're both
into some BDSM style role play, and he
is the dominant. My only concern is his
inexplicable interest in role play associated with military imagery. He prefers
to wear camouflage clothing when we
have sex and often shouts, while ejaculating, "We know everything! we're
invading!"
I don't know what this phrase means,
but because I'm a progressive and apac-
ifist, I find it offensive. I've asked him
to put a cap on the captain talk, but he
says he can only get off while mumbling
to himself about military maneuvers.
I want some enjoyment without the
deployment. I want to be cum-at without all the combat. Can't I have my legs
splayed without talkof grenades? Please
Don, I need a Brutal intervention.
—Concerned Army Masochism is
Off-putting (CAMO)
Dear Don,
I've been dating this really amazing girl for the past little while. The
sex is fairly decent, but she doesn't
seem to have the same interests as
me. I'm a big military buff and can
quote "Apocalypse Now," "Full Metal
lacket" and "M*A*S*H" line-by-line.
And although I prefer to begin most
coital encounters with famous military speeches (theGettysbergAddress
is a personal favourite) and end them
with a 21-gun salute, my lady friend
seems to be less than enthusiastic
about my drilling drills. So I've settled for merely wearing my fatigues
and only occasionally discussing military strategy during the act. But even
these concessions haven't made my
ambrosial assaults any more appealing to my skirmishing skirt. How can
I convince her to let me make a full
frontal assault?
—Already Ready for Military Yahoos
CAMO and ARMY,
Perhaps you guys need to make a tactical withdrawal for a time. ARMY, lay
off the sensual soldiering and enter
into some serious negotiations with
CAMO. Some borders are sure to be
redrawn, but don't think of it as total surrender—merely a ceasefire.
Agree to doing it missionary for the
time being (just close your eyes and
think of it as doing push-ups during
basic training) while CAMO gets used
to the idea of fucking under fire. And
maybe with a little bit of time and
some give and take, you two will be
able to recreate your own little erotic version of War and Peace.
Now that we've got your attention, buy fresh fruit!
604.555.6666
APPLES
PEARS
PENI...PINEAPPLES. YEAH
PINEAPPLES
FRUITFUCKER.CA
F^ESH  SLICE®
Mouth-watering.
Call or text 604.555.4444
Safe and sexy
GIANT COCONUTS
$100
23, Brown hair, plenty of
milk to go around. Open to
BDSM.
604-555-5555
EXOTIC GUAVA
Very obedient, will melt
in your mouth. T3.
604-555-5555
REAL PEOPLE
EROTIC FRUIT
CHAT
J ,   •Mmuga ftram to try
/_fL   'Get lai...er uh enjoy
fresh fruit tonight!
6.7890
ANYTIME... DAY CM M^fT
leal my bananas for you.
778-555-5555
PEFMT
FLUMP
Will barely fit in your hands.
Only 19... days old.
604-123-4567
Ask for Ruby.
mm mmmmm
Just the right amount of
softness to ths touch. Discreet Langley location.
778-555-5555
Mon-Thura, 10am-7pm
KIWI FRUIT
Hay, at least Its batter then Aussie fruit
778-555-5555
A SECTION FOR THE LEGAL AND WHOLESOME SALE OF PRODUCE. CERTAINLY NO SEX BEING SOLD HERE!
NEWAMVAU
Fresh shipment of Asian
juicy plumsl Richmond.
778-555-5555
A dude will answer. FrhSun, 10 PM-
3AM.Mon-Thurs, 10AM-5pm
Young, full-bodied Pereim-
mon, available for play or
immediate consumption.
n7?n7](°} EBB [5?[S![S!E?
U U §°90D-D00D
PLUMP PUMPKIN WANTS
YOUR TUBER
604.888.8888
CALL CHERRY
WON'T SPIT OUT YOUR PIT.
778.888.9880
Is a very tasty fruit Want to
talk about it? I'm not wearing anything. We can also talk
about vegetables if you want
606-555-5555
SNCC ewe
Qu-fie<ny
Very attractive mixed fruit.
Would look great in bowl.
606-555-5555
D
Fresh, tasty, flexible. Model
quality.
778-SSS-SSSS
Young, emoking toe
Jslspen©@
Fiery, open-minded, cleen.
HOT HOT HOT! Brilliant
complexion
604-555-5555
Totally Z Tijriif lime, open
to peeling, comes with toys.
/1 A
________}&* *■      ™          ^^^L.                      a
^i^J         _  .  	
A SAFE AND FUN PIAY-
GRQUND FOR MATURE
FRUIT AFICIONADOS
604.999.0000
3 locations to serve you
MasteiCma
_mi
Oh no!
Hee the singles scene got you
squeezing your own oranges?
It doesn't have to bs this way!
JUICEIT.CA
•Bananas peeled
•Grapefruits squeezed
•Apples cored (???)
VISA
JUICEIT.CA
APRIL 1/2011    THE GEORGIAN TAINT   11 THE AVIARY UPSCALE LIVING FOR THE NOUVEAU RIC
IT'S A BIG TALL
BUILDING.
YOU CAN LIVE IN PART OF IT FOR A LOT OF
MONEY.
V
PHONE 604.555.5544 TODAY
OWNERSHIP STARTS AT
$467,000
MAYBE YOU INVENTED AN iPHONE APPLICATION THAT
CALCULATES TIPS OR EARNED 1.5 MILLION PLAYING
ONLINE POKER. POINT IS, YOU'RE YOUNG AND HAVE
MORE MONEY THAN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
MAKE THE AVIARY YOUR FIRST CONDO. WE'RE HERE
TO HELP. AND REMEMBER, THE HOUSING BUBBLE WILL
NEVER BURST IN VANCOUVER. EVER.
;-i*»j
THE AVIARY IN YALETOWN
UPSCALE LIVING FOR THE NOUVEAU RICHE
12    THE GEORGIAN TAINT    APRIL 1/2011

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