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The Providence Mar 30, 1962

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 Today's weather
April should come in like a fool, with
several days of rain interspersed with
showers and sleet. Much hot air is expected, especially from the weatherman.
Vancouver's forecast high is 345 feet,
but we can't actually measure it accurately-because there's a bunch of lovers
parked up there. It was really awful in
Toronto, though.
World report
Coffee has gone up a quarter of a
cent at the University of B.C., officials
of the Fodder Service have announced.
The news had devastating effects in the
finance department, which must now
solve the problem of quarter-cents.
James thought it was mint. Page 1.
A Canadian doctor has solved the
terrible problem of human disfiguration
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H
due to nuclear fallout. He has found living in the dark has made him see the
light. Page 1.
British Columbia
Compassionate story of lonely aged
Doukhobors in bleak Kootenay Valley
is told by The Providence's ace garbage
man, Tom Hazznott. Hazznot found one
old man had an explosive personality.
Page 1.
Failure may be the fate of the entire
UBC student body if the war-monger-
ing socialists win the next provincial
election, warns oil king Frank McMann.
"They're after your marks and my money," he said unselfishly. Page 1.
Blushing brides aren't blushing with
happiness in Vancouver. Like other
women, they're flushed with rage and
jealousy because they're both wearing
dresses. Page 2.
Pride and prejudice
People who set the price .of coffee
are full of beans, we think. We also state
today's editorial policy in full. Page 2.
Eric Nuckie and Ryemie Sloshevoy
spill their "usual slop on Page 2 today.
Sports report
The Scum's sports department is im
moral because they scooped us. See Eric
Blackhead's column, Page 8.
High school basketball games are
very exciting and crowd-pleasing, and
rock-'em-sock-'em and awful colorful.
See Ray Swoon's report, p. 8.
The rest of the sports department
was out on a binge at Hughie's. Pageboy.
1ST YEAR - No.  1
or THE DAILY MIRACLE
VANCOUVER, B.C., FREEDAY, MARCH 30, 1962
100 CENTS
Price of  coffee goes up a quarter at UBC
Reporter
sobs at
old Douk
Finds old man
dazed in snow
By TOM HAZNOTT
Providence Sob Reporter
KRESTOVA — The Kootenay
Valley is a world of bleak despair for most of the elderly mem-
! bers   of   the   Sons   of   Freedom
Doukhobor sect.
Most of them are lost in a
world of nightmares, only putting in the time until their God
calls them to the promised land.
SORDID TRIAL
Yesterday, I took time out
from the sordid trial scenes of
the Nelson magistrate's court
and drove the "SO'-oddr' miles to
Krestova, in the heart of t h e
Doukhobor country. There, I
saw sons of unbelievable desolation; frail, tarpaper shacks
with their pitiful inhabitants,
mere skeletons bundled against
the zero cold. As I approached
the town in my Shop-Easy News
Cruiser, I noticed a forlorn figure of a man wandering aimlessly in the snow over toward
the railway tracks. Intrigued, I
stopped my car and watched him
silently. He appeared not to notice me, continuing to walk in
circles, his head slumped earthwards in abject dejection.
Quietly, I got out of the car
and moved over the ice-encrusted fence, and across the field toward him. Soon, I could see that
he held a stick in his hand, and
appeared to be absently-mind-
edly tracing lazy, interlocking
circles'in the surface of the
snow.
PITIFUL SIGHT
"What a pitiful sight," I
thought. I recognized him as Old
Tom, the father of the young
teenager who had only yesterday
been sentenced to 10 years in
prison. "Poor Tom," I muttered.
He looked up at me, with that,
twisted, tortured old face of his,
and then went on twiddling his
stick in the snow.
I could see in those strained
lines of his face he was a good
man, but one who had undergone hardship during his life in
this bleak wilderness. Three ot
his sons had been killed in an
accidental explosion. Now his
only remaining son had been
imprisoned. He was alone.
Ke moved slowly along the
embankment • of the railway,
pushing that same stick back
and forth in front of him. As a
sudden bluster of wind whistled
across the field, he scurried into
the culvert under the tracks,
and huddled miserably behind
the cold concrete.
I approached him sadly. Suddenly his face brightened, and
he bent over eagerly, discarding
the stick and plunging his weathered fingers into the cold
snow.
BANG
"Ah, I've found it," he exclaimed.     .---,.•
"Found what," I mused, "happiness? What could anyone find
in this lonely white wasteland?"
"No," he replied, grinning almost fiendishly, "my blasting
cap. -It was my last one. I dropped it near here last night."
NEW STUDENT HOUSING development at UBC was completed today and residents
will be moving in tomorrow.
One of the new services to be
provided wiJI be a daily egg
delivery.
—Hi io  Fopble plioto   .
City ivoman
egged on by
dairy farmers
Miss Egghead Curvaceous (18-
36-18) was today elected Miss
Daily Eggturner of B.C.
Miss Curvaceous was elected
by the Dairy Farmers of B.C.,
who were looking for a person
most resembling an egg. She won
hands down.
Egghead's father Is Michael
"Rooster"' Curvaceous of the
Fraser Valley, her mother Pou-
lerousc Curvaceous.
When some of Miss Curva-
cious'cious' friends were asked
what they thought of her victory they said, "She sure deserved it; she's a good egg."
T-T match needs plasma
Ted say Tizzy 'asthma'
Union hoods
bump scribe
By LONE FASCIST
An innocent Providence reporter was jostled by hoods in
the employ of the communist-
dominated campus out door
workers union when he tried
to attend a private meeting of
the executive Saturday.
The reporter was only trying
to expose the corruption in the
union executive, but these goons
threw him out without even
giving him something to write
about.
"And they jostled me," he
said. "The dirty commie rats
jostled me."
"And what's more," he added,
"they didn't throw the Scum reporters out until I told them
they were there."
Anyway, the misguided membership actually voted the commies back into office at the last
membership meeting, even
though we warned them.
By  I.  LEAN  SHAMBLES
Thirty-second Avenue is buzzing with rumors that Mrs. Teddv
i Flusher is fussing with her hubby and that a Split is developing
in the flamboyant Flusher union.
Concerned neighbors report
Flusher walking the. dog at a lata
hour regularly, and appearing
wan, pale and possibly nervously
asthmatic. The latest thing,
neighbors say, has made them
feel the Flushers are "for it," as
one sad-faced informant phrased
it.
Lights have been seen on in
the Flusher bedroom, bathroom
and hall until two in the morning. Mrs. Flusher, glassy-eyed
and rumpled as she came to the
door with an unexplained pahit-
comment Friday morning on reports the Tizzy-Teddy marriage
had broken up.
Engaging little Teddy Flusher,
junior, sole issue of the Flusher union and the owner of his
mother's exquisite fish - blue
eyes, was more voluble about the
alleged split developing in the
attractive brown-stucco villa.
"Yup, I hear Daddy and Mummy up late at night all the time
—gee, it was 10 o'clock last
night, at least, before they folded
it up—and stuck the trestles and
thinner and brushes and all back
in the closet.
"It's    driving   Daddy    crazy,
with his asthma and all—" the
young lad could not be spoken j
to further, as his distraught fa-
brush in  her hand,  refused  to
ther signalled for him to come
inside, away from reporters.
As Flusher himself is too upset (with what he admits is as-
1hma) to comment, no one can
say what the real situation is.
A reputed physician was dubious about the possibility of
Flusher Suddenly conrta c t i n g
this ailment from emotional aggravants.
"Likely,' 'he said, "the poor
man has had problems and not
realized it, Until one day he has
come in contact with some stimulant, such as turpentine or
paint or some other common substance, which has happened just
as his problems were uppermost
in his subconscious. Ergo, asthma."
Doctor lives sheltered life
away from bombs and The Sun
In an expensive telephone call
with Dr. Whose Calling, who has
lived in his bomb shelter since
the end of the last war, the Providence brings authoritative evidence to its faithful readers in
its never-ending search for the
immortal and the inconceivable.
Dr. Calling said:
"Life can be beautiful in a
bomb shelter. No sunlight to
blind you, no people to bother
you and no communists to disturb your serenity. Gosh it's
pleasant. And to think that when
we  come  back    to   civilization
after the nuclear war, we'll still
have privacy and no sunlight
and no people or communists to
bother us! Why, I'm glad that
me and the wife and kids decided to wait it out down here!
Sure we miss you folks, but believe me, we keep our shelter
door, locked all the time!
The only communication we
have with the outside world is
the wonderful freedom-loving
and progressive Providence. If
the government would only listen to your wise editors and such,
why, I could put this shelter to
some  real  use!  The kids  send
their love to you other people
and since they've been blind
since birth and have never seen
a human being, they won't mind
giving birth to deformed "humans" as a result of those wonderful freedom-saving bomb
tests by K. and K. "Lay on, Mc-
Krushchev and McKennedy! and
curse be he who first cries
"Hold!" We're not short on
provisions but could please send
uf a copy of the bircher blue
book and the chamber of com
merce freedom book so we'll
know what the world's dying
for!
Twisters
sighted
in Neiv York
NEW YORK (Rooters) — The
New York Public Weather Office reported' yesterday that
twisters has been sighted in New
York. Following the incident
the district in the vicinity of
Peppermint Lounge was declared
a disaster area. •
Twisters have been sighted
here before, ." but recent their
numbers have .been increasing
with alarming ;f requency. A research committee, headed by Dr.
Arthur Murray, has been ap-
appbintedr 'to investigate the
causes "of this unusual phenomenon,' and to' suggest some control measures.    \
Fodder service move
termed "ugly plotn
By PETER RABBIT
A sudden move by the infamous Fodder Service moguls
has sent the price of a cup of coffee sky-rocketing by a quarter
of a cent.
A representative sample of
students described the move variously as "an ugly plot," "a
ghastly mistake," "stunning,"
"shocking," "crushing," and
"smashing!"
Kofi Bien, Arts I, said bitterly
as he sipped one of the last of
the  "ten-centers:
"Just another example of
crass administrative dictatorship."
The price boost was explained
by Fodder Service head, Miss I.
M. Bare.
University coffee, she said, is
a special blend of choice coffee
beans. One of these, the Tonto
bean is grown only in the tiny
village of Sao Sao in Brazil.
Due to a sudden increase of
homosexuality in this • pleasant
village, the men have been going to the-; fields tired and" listless. **i !
As a result the coffee crop has
suffered a severe setback, which
has been reflected in increased
pricefe in all blends using the
Tonto bean.
How will Fodder Services levy
the quarter cent charge?
"Negotiations are under way,"
said Miss Bare, "with Finance
Minister Fleming to re-introduce
the farthing into the  Canadian
Typical   student, reaction   to
"Failing this," she continued,
"a system of coffee coupons is
being considered.
"For eleven cents a student
will get a cup of coffee and one
of the Cocreds (coffee credits).
"When a student has collected
41 Cocreds he may claim a free
cup of coffee,"
Typical student reaction *o
this proposal was given by T.
Tube, Science III , who said,
;'Glug."
Will students be able to afford
this burden on already strained
iinances?
Student Treasurer Miik'em
Snot said: . •■■
"Our entire fiscal structure is
in danger. *
"Maybe we should buy some
more stocks. , . ." he added
.dreajnjly^7__„.
Faculty reaction to the proposals was varied.
S; N. Shant, dean of Arts and
Science, said, "This whole business was engineered."
Dean of Applied Science, Dan
Meres,•, commented: "Very artfully done."
Incoming University president
Jon Macdeariald summed up the
situatidn with:
"Coffee is bad for your teeth
anyway."
Ladies wink
at
t.
Police early today arrested
Joe B. Gleep after allging that
Gleep had insolently, meowed at
a cat.on the street.
Although numerous arrests
have been made of citizens for
barking at dogs this is the first
known apprehension for meow
ing at, a cat.   :
"I figure that if animals can
make noises at humans, humans
should be able to mike noises
back at the animals," Gleep said.
But police disareed.
"The poor dumb creatures
must be protected from extroverted eccentrics such as you,"
they said.
Gleep will be charged with
annoying a feline, an offence
which carries a maximum penalty of five years in the doghouse.
Investigation brings
shocking revelation
By BILL WOMENSJOHN
The Vancouver Providence
Monday detailed six (note, SIX)
proof readers to investigate The
Sunday Scum. The results were
revealing. and, to n ewspaper-
men, shocking.
Careless Sun proof readers
overlooked a s-pellling miskate
on page Wun. The sillibication
was lousy in two definite areas:
one admittedly in the want-ads
(which, though considerably
larger than ous, are gradually
getting smaller our publisher
says). .
Probably the mostest gross
airer of all was a story out of
Chilliwack (page 47) that the
ladies axuiliary had a turnout
of about 65 at the meeting in
the home of Mrs. J. R. B. Jones,
Thursday at 8:15 p.m. Truth is
the meeting was preceded by a
pea and never got under way
until 8:30  p.m.
The Sun, The Providence^
proofreaders reported, once called this paper "the rag Vancou-
verites use to wrap their morning garbage." Little is the same
Sun aware that an exhaustive,
three-month Providence survey
has revealed that some people
in this city take their garbage
out in the afternoon.
S6 ha to you, you ship-house,
bassards at The Sun.   Bum-boys!
Reporters labor
real hard here
There was a lot of news on
the labor front this weekend,
but we can't print any of it
because all of our reporters
are socialist finks and no matter who we send out we can't
get aft unbiased siory.
THE PUBLISHER
McMann warns students to fail
if socialists win next election
- B.C. financier and oilman
Frink McMann warned today
13,000 university Students
would fail their academic year
if the socialists are brought into
power in the upcoming provincial election.
"If Bob Striken! and his
henchmen get in, the university won't be granted enough
money in one year to even print
their exams."
"Every cent the government
gives to the university flows
from my. pipeline, in fact every
cent the government has comes
from my oilfields, that's why
the Premium is so slippery,"
said McMann.
Premium Bandit commented
that students can't'pass exams
if they haven't got any paper
to write on.
McMann continued, "If those
socialists gain power I'll transfer my funds from government
support to Doukabor support
and that will mean the end of
the whole economy."
"This Doukabor labor will be
employed to destroy the exist
ing oil lines and from there it
follows the government will
eventually land up on the
.rocks."
It has been estimated the cost
of running the university is
$500,000,000 year year. Of this
McMann donates $499,999,000
from his personal income
through the present generous
government, said Bandit.
"It is obvious that if I lose
the support of the people the
university will have to fold and
all students will fail."
Providenc
from
Each quiz will be a cartoon
of a completely, imaginary nonexistent object.
If you would like to play the
game, I get off at 9:00 p.m. Meet
me in the alley behind The Daily
Providence, with your entry fee
of $100. It costs nothing to enter. There is npthing to sell or
buy.- It's for your enjoyment.
Enter as often as you wish.
Hint: Don't let her take you
for a ride.
By WOLF HASBEEEN
Providence publisher Fred S.
Anger announced today that
this newspaper will merge with
its old friend and competitor,
The Ubyssey.
Anger said the Providence
will become the campus' morning paper while The Ubyssey
will retain its supremacy in the
afternoon field.
The two papers have been
competing in a struggle for the
lucrative UBC market for many
years.
Angef said the merger will
mean little change in the for-
e to save campus
istic student rag
mat of either paper.
"We have been rewriting The
Ubyssey for years, Anger said.
"So readers will be able to get
the same stories in both papers
the same as in the past."
The Ubyssey was at first reported skeptical of investing in
the Providence because of its
unhealthy financial -position.
However a lucky find on the
part of The Ubyssey brought
about a change in its plans.
"I had lucky bill No. 458-
13330-98 and I got $100 for it in
the Lucky bucks contest," said
a Ubyssey editorial board member.
"We found this gave us
enough capital assets to purchase a half interest in The
Providence."
Anger said the editorial policies of the two papers will remain separate. The Ubyssey
will continue. its penetrating
writing and controversial editorials. * - ij
"We will continue our policy
too, whatever that may be, as
long as its convenient politically," Anger said. THEp PROVIDENCE
ltvl!efsTJfrycTyT^VnC^ eXC€Pt S^dayS Snd h°lldayS at the south'east'comer of God knows where in Vancouver  by The
fofSXenfi^tork 1?^°™' ^ **"* ****" Soci^ A»*^ - *** * *e City Works Dept., Vancouver* and
#> «;» ~?:o ^ ;,
FRIDAY, MARCH 30,  1962
ST. CLAIR BAWLABOUT
President
FRED S. ANGER
Publisher
Coffee bean price crisis critical
Well, the price of cafe coffee has gone
up a quarter of a cent. Somebody should
do something about this. This is undoubtedly a violation of something or
other and we're not going to stand for
it. As a matter of fact we're going to do
something about it. We're going to write
this editorial.
We think it's just a disgrace about
those men in the country where they
grow the Tonto bean. We feel that some
sort of social assistance should be given
these poor, misguided individuals. The
UN should move into the area. Somebody should do something about this.
It's not that we're against homosexuality, but when it affects the Cost of
our coffee we think some action should
be taken. It's been a long tradition in
this country that coffee costs 10 cents
a cup and that the second cup of coffee
is free with the meal.
This brings up a second point. Will
the price of the second cup of coffee be
affeeted? If it is we urge definite and
decisive action. Yes sir, it's about time
somebody did something about these
Latin American countries. We mean,
why should we in this country suffer
for the problems of other parts of the
world. That shpuld be rightly the job
ofr the. UN. Someone should "t^ke .the.
situation in hand. Perhaps a royal commission would be the answer.
The second cup of coffee should still
be free. Perhaps the Retail Coffeers Association will take action in this case.
Perhaps they will take the loss. The situation is rapidly deteriorating in the
land of the Tonto coffee bean, we under-
stnad, and the price might be forced
even higher. Before this situation gets
even worse we strongly urge that something be done. Somebody should take
action on this case. Somebody really
should!
We've finally got the goods on Jack
Scott. We knew he wasn't a poor people-loving socialist like he tries to make
out in "that other" paper.
This is the height of hypocrisy, we
think.   Writing  columns  like  that  day
after day trying to show how he defends
the poor people and everything.
But  Diligence has  turned up the
real answer.
Socialist' Scott's mask ripped off
One of our reporters, Tom Diligence,
was out at the university the oilier day.
Well, what he found out would really
break the hearts of all those socialist
pinkos that read the other paper.
We were really surprised too, because
we didn't expect this type of thing to go
on in a respected profession like journalism in Vancouver.
However, now we know he's on our
side. He really doesn't mean all those
nasty things he says about capitalists,
and corporations, and excess profits and
expense accounts and everything.
We know now, Jack. You can't sit
smugly in your little Saltspring Island
estate and try to be a defender of the
poor people.
Yes, we know.
Your cousin, Malcolm, is a Commerce student.
Providence states editorial position
To be or not to be, that is the ques
tion. At least that's what we think it is.
This is always a problem. Making a
stand is what we mean. It's difficult.
In our intellectual policy, we attempt
as best we can to refrain from taking a
stand. We mean, at least, that way you
don't make any enemies.
At least, that's our hope. But then
you never can tell.
I don't smoke
ERIC NUCKLE
How are you? If you smoke, I suppose that you're not feeling
too well. I see that smoking causes cancer. Inasmuch, as I don't
smoke, I don't really care. You didn't know that I don't smoke
did you?
1 I bet that you've been sitting around all these years saying
iW0"de! *** virile Eric Nuckle smokes?" Well, now you
Know. But I dont cram my religion down other people's throats
like some other columnists in this town.
But I'm thinking of starting. Then I can have something to
say when I run low on material. Like this:
™    J1165 Never Clutchem Club held its first meeting yesterdav
We deeided that in keeping with our name we woul^allowmeS
ZtteT^ll wy C0Uk flgUre °Ut 3 Way t0 d0 * without **»£
fcut ofTrSiSieles gum-it,s—* °*^ i *
If you want to get a button, _write to me. I shall send you one
absolutely free. There will be a $2.00 charge for handling
Naturally, there will be donations for the club. I don't want
to spena my own money on this thing, and I don't think that you
want me to. After all, how much can one man no, anyway/of
course, lt would be different if I were in parliament, 'or something
If I were there all us non-smokers would benefit. I would put the
biggest tax on cigarettes you ever saw, and the money would go to
cancer research. This would dissuade people from smoMng and
gxve us more money in the second place. So vote for me, everyone^
And there you are. That's what I could do if I ever started
b owuig my own horn. Good thing that I don't, isn't 1^0^
t^rafyo'u1 ^ ^ *' ' ^ "~ t0 «*. «*>S£
After all, smoking cuts down on your virility. That's whv I
qui poking. My wife said to me, Eric (she calls me Eric , S you
J *\Zit smokmg, you're going to lose what little viri ty you
house tod i° q^.smokin^ ™ a» the people that come to our
TZ££^£mgS' Z d6Cided the last *** ** I wanted was
But if I ever decided to start smoking again, and I do lose thP
rest of my virility, I'll let you know. Then you cangefa S de
ivermg things to my house. If I must be cuckolded" Sght aTwetl
be one of my readers that's doing it. We might even worl out some
form of recompense. With me paying you, naturally. Think Ss
anodd way of doing it? You don't know my wife, you luckyTog!
But at any rate, the cigarette industry is making too much
from the taxpayer anyway. Did you know that they actuallv let
3" °f \0c£ Pack for their weeds? If Mr. Bennet was in power fhe
state of affairs would sure change. I can see it all now. Cigarets,
$1.00 a pack. Apple juice, free. Apple growers of the Okanagan
would get a subsidy from the government. They grow only annles
worth making juice out of. y   Pples
So all you wonderful people get together, you wonderful people, you, and get our great leader into Ottawa.
At least that way we'll get him out of our hair. And it would
be interesting to hear how, after arguing for all these weeks about
how power is the job of the provinces he would convince the neo
pie that it was now the job of Ottawa,
Oops, I see that I'm editorializing again. People keep tellina
me not to do that. They say I'm supposed to be funny I don't
know how to be funny. The truth is, I have a very funny proofreader who has been making my books funny all these years So
now you know, you lucky people, you.
Take the quotation at the start of
this editorial. It can be very controversial and that's why we don't really want
to answer it. i.
For instance, probably, since this
quotation was written some years ago,
probably somebody is favorably disposed to it (that is not to say that we are).
On the other hand, someone could
conceivably have a great dislike for it
(not to say that we don't like it)/.
So you can't get mad at us no matter
which side of the fence you're on
or even if you're on it like us.
Somebody ought to answer that question that is posed at the top of this edit-
: ofial. Yes somebody should.
(Opinions expressed in the above
editorials are not necessarily those of
The Providence.)
Beautiful B.C. - --Naturein the raw
WHILE   VACATIONING   IN   BRITISH   COLUMBIA   hinterland
Providence photographer Nill Bunglingham took this photo- /
graph of The Two Lyins. Entry into this inaccessible country
was achieved by chartered plane. "Nature will cure any of
our  ills,"  replied  Nill  when   asked   why  he  chose   B.C.  to
vacation in. This photo was taken  at night  using only  25
flashbulbs and moonlight for illumination.
Dear Anny
By ANNIGAIL VAN PICKARD
, DEAR ANNY:. Since emigrating from Hungary, my life has
lacked purpose. I spend all my
time in Robson Street cafes
drinking coffee, and my life
seems so aimless. Can you suggest a remedy, please.
Respectably
BEZA GENKO.
DEAR BEZA: Why don't you
join a club or even start your
own organization. This will give
your life purpose, and will make
you many friends.
DEAR ANNY: I'm an eligible bachelor, 38, and my friends
tell me it is time I got married.
But I cannot find a girl I love
more than my mother. I can't
marry my mother because she is
already married. What should
I do?
OEDIPUS
DEAR OEDIPUS: Many people
have solved a problem such as
yours. They eliminated their
mother's husband. This is ihe
best solution, but you should
consider your mother's feelings
on the subject first.
DEAR ANNY: My nice red
faculty sweater has been causing
me embarrassment lately. The
armpits haVe rotted out because
its against faculty tradition to
wash our sweaters. I haven't
had a date for six months now.
What can I do?
t>«  wn ENGINEER
P.S. Will you go out with me
this weekend?
DEAR ENGINEER: Do like
all the other engineers do, date
other engineers. You'll find they
smell just as bad as you and
won't notice your problem. Be
sides, engineers are "fun" people.
P.S. Sorry, my keeper won't
let me out of the cage. . . .
DEAR ANNY: I am a big
wheel at a university. I am the
one who tells the students where
to park and I make them walk
through seven miles of cow pastures to get to classes. All the
students hate me. What can I
do to make them like me? lam
really quite a likeable chap.
Please help me.
„„  TOMMY HUGS
DEAR TOMMY: Don't worry
about what the students think of
you. All the faculty members
love you, don't they? Who needs
students? You think students are
people or something? Why don't
you abolish student parking altogether, then there would be no
problem.
By FRANBELL CAMCEAN
Last night an expectant Vancouver audience of 2355 noisily
shuffled their illustrated programs in joyous expectation of
what was about to be after about
two iiours of-^uninterrupted--bad
weather outside the theatre and
stupendous stuffiness inside the
theatre because the fans weren't*
working, an evening well worth
attending of Ballet dancing by
the Ballet Russe de Capilano
presented by Obscure Cartoonists Ltd. began. Every member
of the audience couid tell as the
conductor strode confidently
through the pit with a black velvet   jacket   and    immaculately
BalletRusse bally good ballet
groomed features that there
would be a spirit of togetherness
in the orchestra by the mere
presence of this tall, imposing,
oh about 6 foot 2 inches, 190
pound figure standing erectly before them raising his impressive
^Ifeows, .and lift|ng„4tbe shiny„
White baton to the ready position. From the first downbeat,
which he executed with particular attention to smooth phrasing,
sensitivity, poetic insight, lyricism, drama and the curtain rose.
Thank goodness we have such
a beautiful setting in which to
present ballet, with the crowning background of the snow-capped lions and the blue expanses
oi   Burrard   Inlet   which   your
critic was able to appreciate all
the more by comparisons gained
on her recent trip to Europe.
The scenery, waving gently in
the breeze—oh; why can't this
company realize this distracts
f rorn^ the audience's appreciation
of the significance of Ihe scenery which was painted with
great splashes of color. There
was a little too much red to suit
rny taste which clashed with the
light green and biue costumes
oi the dancers.
A mid-western company, the
Ballet Russe de Capilano corps
with their healthy corn-fed legs
and muscular physiques jumped
with effortless ease, making very
few faux pases. A thrill of. delight swept through the audienfce
as the slender, milk-complexion-
ed prima ballerina glided across
the 72 foot 6 inch stage into the
arms oi her masculine dark-haired partner, who, although he had
no actual steps in the ballet, gave
proof of his deep understanding
of the subtleties of his role. His
magnetic stage manner and control were evident in the last
seats of the upper balcony of the
theatre. What a handsome creature. He could easily star 'in
Hollywood. The audience enjoyed the performance very
much as they clapped very loudly when the curtains closed.
Personals
Johnny—please  come  twik.  Hiram i
Walker.
Myrna-^I need you desperate];,. the I
house is .n mess, I t-un't \,ork fori
thinking about:you ami y0-t know 1
neviy could cook worth a damn'
1'lease lorget about the voluptuous
mIoinIc (1 swear she never moi'ii
anything to me), ami (nine back
lover.  Chidjs.    -
Bucholz—I am still aliw-l Keen up
wilh the sood work. 3 Mill be In.loin"
you   shortly.  Adolph   H.
Attractive, g-eiitleman, ,ajto i7r>
wishes, lo meet yount- ftirl or' ■>',!
whose blood type is. O-uo^iUive Call
evening   Hnd  ask  foi    D-ii.ula
AT—Poi the twenly-thiid -:i,ie,
it > tin don't answer me, Til lull n,\-
self.   T.C.K.
Olilis-im. i«-irl of eight wishes to
meet fatherly (noi TOO father]\ )
svntloinau  of (IS.  Pan  T.olila.
So, it I could not Keep our sippnint-
nieni, deai est, I ran into some witches,   ii a (-Belli.
r.C.K — h'or the twentv-sei owl
time— DROP  DKAT)-'!   A.T.   '
Alasochisi ic haemopheliac wishes
lo meet attractive sadistic vampire.
Olnet t   mat.
llliKiblf. nut ovcily protected bachelor wishes to meet oldei unmanaue-
ablc   liusnes-.   Object   („   inairimnn w
Oedipus—Please come baek- 1 do
low   \uu   Mother
Exquisitely plunging
dress today's highlight
By Ryemie Sloshevoy
/ remember when...
As I started to reminisce last night, I
began to remember all the things that had
happened to me a long time ago and the
things I had forgotten to remember to
forget. I thought of my humble beginnings
in the newspaper world.
•   *   •
Back in my salad days, father put in
the good word for me and I got the position of editor of our college newspaper
(father was the president of the university). I had never written a word of copy
before so I wrote my life history in 75 installments and ran an installment in the
editorial column of each issue of the paper.
At the end of the year the paper was
abolished but I had made my impression
and I also had a good chronicle of my life
for future reference and use. My father
disowned me because he said that I'd said
some too-revealing things in my "editorials."   Anyway,   in   appreciation   of   my
services, the university gave me a pregnant bitch which broke into nine shortly
thereafter, so ail in all it was a good year.
You   should   have   seen  those   dogs!
Many of them were almost human. There
was little Maxwell. He quickly developed
an Oedipus complex and since he couldn't
find his father and his mother was nearby,
he just did what came naturally.
Of course the obvious happened and I
ended up with 17 dogs, again proving the
economic law of diminishing returns. But
I love them so much I've gone completely
for the dogs, as you can probably guess.
Well anyway, they've given me a lot to
write about over the years.
•   •   •
After leaving college' I joined a downtown paper. I wanted to write a column
on my experiences but they felt I didn't
have enough experience and stuck me on
the police beat. Needless to say my experiences inereasee. sharply. I made all kinds
of contacts—which helped considerably.
I remember one experience in particular. I'd been on dope for a while (the
beat, that is), when suddenly I was switched to coverage of the prostitution racket ~
(apparently the last reporter on the racket
had found that business more lucrative
than newspaper work). Anyway I was out
covering a suspected^ prostitute (an aetion
which led to her eventual conviction)
when without any warning, the girl went
berserk and bit me.
I was rather embarrassed, but, continually telling myself it was all in the
game, I managed to keep her under control until the job was finished. The chief
of police commended me. I wrote the
story. The editor fired me. -
But that wasn't the end. The bite healed quickly and at the time apparently had
no bad effects. However, ever since that
time I've had two unconquerable urges:
I can't bear staying too Jong at any one
job, and I simply must "write and'write
and write and write all about my experiences.
•    •    *
This second urge is becoming stronger
;;and stronger, and although my  psychiatrist tells me it's evidence.of a deep-rooted
egocentric complex,: I still feel, that- this
affliction is a result, of that long-ago bite.
I have some other theories which are- based en-my past life.but.r.U wai^until.-my
next column to tell you about them.
By BUSTY RUNSIE
Women's fashion editor
Sampson's new evening dress
it) airy white sponge wool features a diamond crossed front
this year. The diamond crossed
front, a creation by Yuri Glenn,
of Canavaral, features an exquisite plunge from the shoulders to the navel. Elegant tufts
oi white russian bear accentuate
the "V" as it swoops downward.
Sprinkle'over the tufts of bear
are perfectly charming little sequins which add to the daring
effect of the dress.
Talk about daring ladies, this
darling little dress will make,
you a standout in any crowd.
Designer Glenn when interviewed in Paris last summer said
that it was revolutionary, "after
all there's not too much'to it,"
he said. "Give it to your husband for your birthday, he'll always love you" in your birthday
suit."
* * *
Have you hesitated about replacing your living room draperies and slipcovers because you
are afraid that they will go "out
of style? Well the NEW JACKI
is here. JACKI is a mischievously designed combination slipcover drapery, rug and corset.
It just arrived at Bennett's Emporium and I dashed right down
to try it out,
I found that the JACKI works
like a charm. In fact, when I
started covering a chesterfield it
snapped up and corsetted me to
the rug.  Bennetts will,not be
open for a few days until the
shop is un-corsctted.
I stumbled across a new recipe
the other day while cleaning up
the house and I must tell you.'
Take a couple of eggs and fry
well.     Then   take   some  bacon
and fry that, too.   Serve together in the morning with a glass of
orange juice.   "Absolutely fabulous"   was  my   husband's   comment when I served it to him,for
the first time this morning.
*       *       *
I note where one of my dear
Colleagues has suggested that the
column has been publicizing certain products overly.    I wojild
like to say at this time that I
have never tried to publicize One
product or another. I have never
given   free   publicity   to   NAt-
LEYS, COLGATE, ROTHMAN'S
or  the  US  Dept  of  STATE.. It
must be malicious rumour that
has caused my colleague to say
such a thing,    just because all
those  trucks deliver  free  samples to our house!   Well!!
Remember,  this year fashion
dictates that    colours    be red,
white and blue.   Imagine a columnist of your own paper saying such a thing.    Accentuating
red, White and blue this year will
be white, red and blue. It's very
upsetting to have someone say
that you take free gifts. The rjed,
white and blue will ably set off
the white, blue and red.   Really
it's not very nice to have a fellow    columnist    saying    those
things.

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