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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Ubyssey Mar 28, 1947

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•  •  •
* • •
IFounded a long time ago. PHONE REMOVED
VANCOUVER, B.C., MARCH 28, 1947.
Price: Cheap: By carrier cheaper.
In Stew
Rumors that alleged bawdy houses
are reported to be springing up in
what were termed "some of the better
disricts of Vancouver" were spread
throughout the city today, although
probably having no foundation in fact
other than unconfirmed reports from
undisclosed sources, said Mulligan,
who at press time was Chief of Police,
Untraceable calls from an anonymous telephone artist came to the
home of an unidentified bootlegger
at 11:04 a.m. and was immediately
intercepted by a Son reporter who
happened to be there at the time.
Tlus reporter's on-the-spot story,
"Bocze in the News" will be found
in another section of Vancouver's
Illegimato Newspaper.
Ike Coed
Delightful pink hairbows and green
anklets marked the coming of spring
lo the UBC Campus last week, as
hundreds cf coeds burst out in their
new spring fashions.
Norah Clarke and Bernice Hugg
looked like twins last week as they
came to the campus sporting something new in women's footwear.
Brown and white saddle shoes!
Sweaters this week are being worn
:by Elizabeth Townley and Greta
Obrag, members of the Symphonic
Club. Blouses this week are being
worn by Millicent Wolsey and Hattie
"Wilson, members of the Musical Society. Suite are being worn by Lore.
McLure and Fifl McDonald, members
of El Circulo Latino Americano.
Leaves a "big gap, doesn't it?
Two UBC coeds from Alberta, who
just couldn't wait for even the first
day of spring, took the plunge at a
secluded comer of the University
beach Thursday. On hand were two
Province reporters, who just couldn't
wait either.
Russians Plan
Nicaraguan Aid
Reports from the U.S. Embassy in
Nicaragua reveal that the Soviet
Government is planning to send
financied aid and some troops to that
country to halt the spread of capitalism.
U.S. Senaors in Washington voiced
the opinion that the Soviets were
"asking for war" by such measures."
"Nicaragua," say the. Senators,
Claude Salt of Texas and Robert
Graft of Ohio, "is almost half way
round the world from Soviet territory. What other reasons but for
personal aggrandizement could the
Russians have for wanting to occupy
Soviet   officials   revealed   that   the
spread   of   capitalism   to   Nicaragua
would endanger the whole  economy
i of   the   Communistic   world,   "which
I after all, is the only economy of the
! world."
American officials declined to comment as to whether or not they would
send the Marine back into Nicaragua,
but high school debating societies all
over the country prepared to take up
the question, pro and con, "Resolved:
Take the Marines out of Nicaragua",
. No immediate repercussions were
expected from the international conference of Janitors, Waitresses and
Chambermaids currently being held
at Topekia, Kansas.
Etruscans Launch Drive;
Ask $10 Per Student
Appeals will be made to all UBC students to contribute ten
dollars each to the University Etruscan Society Fund to Build
a Mountain for the Varsity Outdoor Club, according to a
recent announcement by the Society's President, Dmitri
This is a serious notice.
The ©ancouver Daily Province will
not be sold at Union Station or on
Union Steamships, in the future said
president of the Notrham Company,
J. L. Northam. "I T U," said Nor-
tham, peeking around the corner of
his desk.
• Murder
• Rape
• Seuucttan
• Funnies
v    "The drive is two-fold in purpose,"
Goulobef told The Ubyssey yesterday.
"You see, i!he Etriscan Society holds
its meeting in the new wing of the
Library and the VOC boys just play
hell with our meetings, climbing up
lo the roof and skiing down on snowy
"We can understand the VOC's aesthetic reasons for not wanting to ski
on any of the already-made mountains," he said, "so we intend to build
them a mountain all to themselves."
"Those jerks want to build the darn
thing like all the other mountains, with
the high part in the middle," Goulobef
"Being dyed-in-the-wool Ttruscans,
we can apperciate their respect for
convetnion. But we propose to build
the mountain with the high part at
the edges. It should save the boys a
lot of climbing."
"And another thing," Goulebef continued, "Sharp and Thompson want
to cover the darn thing with snow."
The President went on to explain
that snow is alright in its place but
that "skiing is definitely one sport
that can do without it."
"Unbaked cornflakes may be slightly more expensive," Goulobef said,
"but they're better in the long run."
Goulobef said that the Etruscan Society has already made arrangements
at least hardly ever. Why, you'll , for a -pCA plane to scatter fourteen
never win the Most Honourable John tons 0f unbaked cornflakes over the
Bracken Trophy that way, you project when it is completed,
know." jje declined to say which cornflake
On the other hand, Gordon Martin,   company his Society would patronize,
also   a   Social   Problem,   rallied   to   but there was every indication at press
Genge's support:   "Why, it's just the time taht the Qu,akers 'aU? m«mbe"
„-   „,   . . ,, of the old school, would be favored
same   as  the  B.C.  Electric  problem.      . ,     ,
_, ,   , . , with the contract.
They   were had  enough  even  when
they   painted   their  busses   red   But
now, with that capitalist cream color
they're using, it's unrevolting."
Ubyssey Best
In Red State
"Do Engineer's Ubyssey is da only
i:-:<ue of da Ubyssey all year dat'.e
red!" scroemied Gordie Genge, retiring EUS president, yesterday, (In
fn-et, Genge .s the most retiring president the EUS has evev been had with.1
Ski Zlotnik, Social Problem commissar, quickly took up Genge's
claim in a hand-written statement
delivered to The Pub. Said Zlotnik:
"I am happy to se that red-shirt
Genge has hit upon something that
is fundamentally wrong with the
paper. I am quite convinced that The
Ubyssey would be a far better paper
if it were redder. That is What I liave
been trying to tell the conservative
op-management down there for
When interviewed on this vital
me.tter, Stu Chambers, Stu Porteous.
and Stu Pid, said in unison: "Oh dear
no,  that  would never  do.  No never,
Your Baby
And Mine
Today's talk on babies is going to
be tho real thing, since at the present
time 1 am taking cave of the neighbour's baby, and having nothing else
to do, thought I'd write my column.
Let's pretend the baby cried, damn
it's red hide, I can't  get a  minute's
, pea. . . If the baby cries, one should
first investigate any of the possible
cause:;   of   the   crying.    Perhaps    it's
i hungry.   Gently   place   a   ready-made
bottle full of warm milk in the baby's
m: nth. If it's hungry, the baby will
commence to consume the warm
liquid. Spit on me you . ..! Now, ap-
r.-rcntly the b. by isn't hungry.
Change it's position Gently place
your hand behind it's neck and raise
it into a more comfortable position
Bite my arm once more, little Archibald, and I'll kick you in the teeth.
Well perhaps a saftey pin is sticking it
somewhere, Not there . . . not there
. . . not there . . , hey! Excuse me.
while I get a towel. And if anybody
wants to take care of the 'bawling
brat, he can come on over!
Don't forget to apply for Angel
Pater free leaflet, no. 227 in the series
entitled "How to Have a Baby."
Send $12.50 to cover the cost of mal-
McKay Follows Unwritten
Law On Offenders Rights
A shakeup of the existing organization of the Discipline
Committee was ordered yesterday by president Ted Kirkpatrick following reports that members of that committee were
accepting bribes from influential students.
In an  interview with The Ubyssey $
yesterday,  Bill  McKay,   chairman  of I
Ferguson   Replaces    Ferry
Woman Acquitted
Of Manslaughter
Mrs. Evelyn Richard, acquitted las
week of the murder of her husband,
was acquitted this week of the manslaughter of an infant and it is expected she will be acquitted next
week of being a woman, it was learned today.
Mrs. Richard showed no emotion
when she was acquitted, probably
because Robinette, her attorney, sat
down, put his hand on her knees,
and said "It's okay honey."
It is hinted Mrs. Richard will seek
damages for the injury all the newspaper publicity has done to her
Canute Outdone In Tide Game
Market Guide
AH you people that have been going
without your favorite morning starter-offer will be happy to hear that
the first post-war shipment of Ambrosia de Hammus Alabamus has
just arrived by jet propelled dog
cart from Greece. It costs 50 dollars
a tin but it is just the thing to make
your   whole  clay  nauseating.
And girls, .if you are having trouble
getting all your work done, what with
tho maid shortage and all, why don't
you  try spreadin;
the Discipline Committee, stated that
he thought ''everyone knew that this
organization is corrupt."
McKay said that the only thing that
kept the Discipline Committee functioning were the offenders of Article
"It is an unwritten law," added
McKay, "that we do not allow offenders of Article XXIV to bribe us
Other offenders, of course, are given
that privilege."
Kirkpatrick felt that such a policy
was injurious to student welfare, because "it gives them a wrong sense
of democracy."
"Offenders of Article XXTV," continued Kirkpatrick, ''should have just
as much right to bribe McKay and his
henchmen as anyone else. Prejudice
the general public an erroneous impression as to the democracy of oui
student  government."
Kirkpatrick refused to divulge the
names of those suspected of bribing
McKay and others, but silently led
the reporter downstairs to the offices
of the Radio Society and pointed at
president Ray Perrault.
When questioned by tho Ubysssey
on his knowledge of the affair,
Perrault, white-lipped, stammered
that he didr't know what Kirkpatrick
could mean by that, unless it was
th t radio we bought second-hand
from the Players' Chile and didn't
pu'; on. our budget."
Further questioning of ether Radio
Society member:! proved useless.
After listening for a moment to two
fellows standing in the corner, one
imitating an opera broadcast, and the
ht reomaking a njpise like static, this
reporter lef;.
Another student affected in the
shakeup will likely be Miss Nora
CClarke. next year's WUS president.
Miss Clarke congratulated the reporter onhis sweater, which she found
to be of a pleasing and harmonious
colour scheme, but offered no other
cc mment.
Miss Clarke's part in the affair concerned her recent bribe to McKay,
where she was overheard telling
McKay to "shut up now you've got
your money."
Our Metropolis
Last Sunday Bug Eyes and myself
went for a walk in Stanley Park.
With us came the Little Stinker.
It w:s a lovely spring day—my kind
of day, that is. It had been raining
and was slightly squishy underfoot,
what with wet leaves and soggy
candy wrappers. As we strolled past
the bear cages, it was slightly scrun-
chy underfoot, owing to the peanut
We bought the Little Stinker a balloon on a stick. Bless her heart, she
had the time of her life trying to
poke out the left eye of the black
bear with it.
Presently we met Mac. Mac is my
kind of guy, you know. What he
doesn't know about Stanley Park isn't
worth knowing. After fifteen years
sleeping on park benches you get that
way I guess. When we sat him he was
scrabbling for peanuts in the pale
spring sunshine in frant of the monkey
As   I've   s.iid   though,   Mac   is   my
kind  of  guy.   He's  the  kind  of  guy
that   can   scrabble   for   peanuts   and
cigarette    butts    without    losing   his
banana skin;:  over | dignity.   In   fact
the   floors?   You   will   just   zin
through your housework.
Hero is a last minute shopping bul
let in. The tide has come in. Run right
down to Shores Ltd. and get some,
you can't dp without it. What the
loll you'll want it for I don't know
but while you're there you might .\.
well pick  up 50 feet of shoreline.
runners, business men. even the ele-
: vator girls—they all know when I'm
stuck for something to write about.
But do they give a damn? Hell no!
It takes some guy like old weather-
beaten peanut cracking Mac* who's
had his ups and downs, reverses and
end-runs and knows what its is to
be up against it, to kick through with
the copy.
"I bet youse don't know much
about Stanley Park," said Mac
"You win," I smiled.
"And yer readers lose," quipped
Mac, with a sly twinkle in his eye.
"Well, Stanley Park was officially
dedicated on October 25, 1889, by Lord
Steinley, the governor general of
Canada. Within its tree-studded
limits are eleven miles of paved road,
five miles of bridal trails, twenty-two
miles of footpath, two cricket pitches.
extensive rockeries and gardens,,
three playgrounds, two outdoor horse-
pitches, eight refreshment booths, an
eighteen hole golfe course, two swimming pools and one hell of a lot of
use  km  quote  mo  all  ya  like."
Mae    concluded    generously.    "All    1
ask  is that youse in no way detrack
from  the  pungency  and  silliness  of
my  remarks. Remember,  vouse  may
lm      ... ...        ,.     , ? s,dledjbe  hard   up  for
up.   shyly   pulling   his   forelock   and
cuffing     the     Little
To t   ji,. incoming editor, Don Ferguson, q£. the power of rites with a copy of the UBYSSEY.    Ferguson,  who takes
the prir. M   wwrj, Jack Ferry, this year's editor causes the Ferry's position next year as director of the Publications Board
incoming Ucfc to ttirn back.   Clad in his robes| of state Ferry is learning rapidly but refused comment other than "brrrrrr,"
solemnly ippjfs to J,h*i sea, eyes slit awry, as hje performs tho Said Ferry, tones ringing clear, "stop!"
Fines levied by the Library on
overdue books have in (he past
been charged to Caution Money,
but as no Caution Money deposit
was required from students this
year, book fines must be paid in
cash either at the Loan Desk or
at the Reserve Book Desk.
Students should not neglect to
settle their account, as the Registrar will not permit any student to
re-register, or to secure a transcript of his academic record for
any purpose, while library fines
are outstanding.
Bug Eyes said just
that when we saw him. "My, hasn't
he got dignity." she said. His wrinkled
old I" to was just as shrowed as
those of I lie monkeys he was gypping.  When  he  noticed  us.
Pungency  and   sa'lti
ness again some time."
Tlie  sun  was   slowly   sinking   into
the  west-net  the one at Beatty and
Pender;   it   ftnys   on   all   night   and
can be seen from thrity-one miles at
sea   and   don't   you   forget   it   chum,
in   sm.les   and   h.s   left   hand   feeling   but the other one, as
round for loose change in my trouser , to Mac.
pocket. |
|     "Old   Mac's   poor   in   this   world's
"Haven't   changed   a   bit,   you   old , goods but he's rich  in squirrel lore
sen of a gun, "And I bet you're still j and things that count," I thought to
stealing   nuts   from   the   squirrels,"   I j myself  as  we   made  our   wiy  home-
"Wcll. if it ain't my old friend
J.S." said Mae. his right hand outstretched, his wise old face wreathed
is we said boodbye
continued, jovially tweaking his nose.
He nodded in assent.
j     "You    know,    that's   what   I    like
j about old Mac. No side or false pretences    about    him—always    nods    in
' assent.
j 'Bet I know what you're here for,"
said Mac. "You're hard up for a
Bright as a button, understanding,
sympathetic—that's Mac for you. Reporters,   cleskmen.   city   editors,   copy
"Old Mac's poor in this world's goods
but he's rich in squirrel lore and
things that count," said Bug Eyes.
"You know, that's just what I was
thinking."  I  said.
We walked, on insilence. Passing
by the lagoon we noticed some seagulls and a cormorant. Say, did 1 ver
tell you I liked cormorants on account of how they're my kind of
bird? Well ..."
53rd  BIG YEAR
Price:   Practically nothing;   More by Carrier.
Tearing away the curtain from the unspeakable conditions
surrounding the establishment of the campus medical school,
Provincial investigator J. Heart whispered a sordid tale of
suicide, as the police probe swung into its bare stage Thursday.
Heart revealed that Dr. C. Dollman,
Before The
Diogenes, according to Greek history, spent a great deal of his valuable
time searching for an honest man with
the aid of a lantern.
However, contrary to the case at
yesterday's discipline committee assizes, Diogenes was not in a fog.
The defendant came before Magistrate William McKay charged with
intoxication and vagrancy. We mean
the defendant was charged, not His
''Are you guilty or not guilty," His
Worship demanded.
The defendant adjusted the UBC pin
on his red sweater, rose to all five
feet two inches of his starture and
muttered indignantly, "So help me
yer Honor I was just tryin' to get
home from the Iron Ring Circus."
His Worship was apparently unfamiliar with the intricacies of the
Soiencemen's annual social calendar.
"Is that anything like Hie State
theatre?" His Worship wanted to
"No, yer Honor, that's the Science-
men's Ball."
"But what were you doing with a ,
Commodore Cabaret table cloth over
your head?"
"Ch, I didn't have it over my head,
yer Honor. I was just peekin' out
to see if anybody saw me take the
salt shaker off the table and put it
in my back pocket."
"Well, did they?" His Worship
sounded interested.
"No," the little man shouted triumphantly, "would you like some
salt,  yer Honor?"
His Worship declined with thanks,
handed tlie mislaid shaker over to the
constable nearby, explained that he
(His Worship) was an Artsman and
fined the defendant thirty dollars or
thirty days.
understudy in the Department of Bacteriology and Deceptive Medicine, had
tried to do away with himself following his arrest as the instigator of a
plot to undermine the Vancouver
Menial Hospital.
He was discovered by a group of
picnickers, trying to launch himself
like a ship from the most westerly
promontory extending into the Gulf
of Georgia, just after the morning
paper hit the stands that morning.
Heart believed that Dr. Dollman
suffers a mental collapse brought on
by his recent trial and conviction by
a drum-head court made up of 12
VMH doctors.
Under the impression that he was
addressing reporters from the downtown dailies, Dollman had sobbed to
the jury, "I'm innocent. Don't misquote me."
"There is foundation to the rumor
Dollman is in any way related to the
comic strip character of the same
name," Heart added.
Prowler's letter accused the two
bodies of accepting bribes from officials of the Vancouver Menial Hospital and sinking it into sex hormones,
which they were feeding to the 570
unsuspecting premedical students at
Northam Head
Raised Higher
J. L. Northam, vice-president of the
Northam newspaper chain, has been
raised to tne post of president, announced publicity chief J. L. Northam
Northam will take over the post
from his father, J. L. Northam, who
dies tomorrow. Said J. L. Northam
of his son, J. L. Northam: "I have
more confidence in my son than in
my cousin J. L. Northam. I feel that
my son will do a fine job."
Overlooked in the promotions was
I.T.U. Northam, black sheep of the
family. He promised to bring to the
Northam chain a "picket of trouble."
Mac Intolerant
To Latecomers
Jean Editor, pretty blonde Mac-
farlane of the Totem, announced today that all sciencemen's pictures
would be due November 23.
"I will not tolerat any latecomrs,"
said pretty blonde Tote Jeanem of the
MacFarlane. "I will definitely not
tolerate any lattcomers."
Mac Jeanfartote added that no latecomers will be tolerated. "I have
enough business of my own these
days," she said, with a sly wink at
Don Stainsby.
Counting the days on which she
would accept pictures, she said; "One,
two, three, four, five, and sex of f
ord Mayor
Clean - Up
LONDON—Prime Minister Atlee today announced that he
has arranged for dry cleaning operations to get under way on
the Lord Mayor's official robes.
Traditionally uncleaned since their $ — .	
purchase in 1215 for the signing of
the Magna Carta, -the robes are now
to undergo a treatment which members of the House of Commons termed
"typical of the radicalism of the
Atlee government."
Other House members deemed the
action more imminent, hinting that
perhaps it is indicative of a clean-up
of the coal miners.
However, Mr. Attlee denied all such
implications, stating that "they (the
coal miners) have made their own
(coal) beds, nowlet them lie in them,
Mr. Atlee also stated that he is
taking steps to put what he called
the "Winston Churchill climate" under
control. He expressed the hope that
by 1957, "even the climale of Britain
will be sufficiently socialized to cooperate with the present government."
He paid tribute to Churchill's prowess during the war years, but stated
that "that politician" had seized such
control of the ''entire Empire", that
there must be a period of readjustment of the weather to the new social-
| ized government.
I    Here is the official forecast for the
' .next 24 hours in Britain:  Lower Kensington, partly cloudy with intermittent rains; Upper Kensington, partly
rainy with intermittent clouds; Mid-
I die Kensington, about the same; House
i of Commons, partly cloudy with in
I termittent objections.
If you were born today, you
shouldn't because yesterday was better, although tomorrow won't be bad.
The zodiac today is Phenomenal.
Mar?: is over Venus, while Pluto is
hanging around Hydrant, Mercury
is rising and Jupiter is jumping. This
makes for conflict of sex,, also seven
and eight
If you contemplate marriage don't,
because the rising of Mercury is an
unfavorable sign, although Pluto and
Hydrant tend to disprove this.
A good day for doing further business, the further the better, as Taurus
the Bull is prominent. This will hold
true until Minnie the Cow makes an
appearance, then disturbances will
appear in the Milky Way.
Famous people on this day, include Oscar Bokaslotsky and Buzz
Walker. Mr. Walker has the distinction of being born soon after the
Milky Way disturbance and according to the zodiac of this date is full of
Difficulties arise this period due
to Saturn giving Neptune a right, thus
a silght difficulty with Uranus occurred awakening Beteleguere who
insists that this is the time to blow.
A new bus service will soon be ready to serve
UBC students.   The service, planned to begin
immediately after exams, wil loffer regular
service to Hell, via the University Boulevard
Leaving on the hour and half hour from the
campus bus stop, the complete trip will require
less time than one would think. Members of
the opposite sex will be admitted free. Others
must use the regulation tickets. The Beezle-
bub Corporation has acquired 8950 seats from
the B.C. Electric in order to institute the much-
requested service. Heaters have been removed
from the buses, as the new owners claim they
will not be needed.
First copies of the 1947 Totem
should be available in the AMS office
about April 15.
Students  who  possess  receipts for
Totem   orders   should   notice   boards
for the annual announcement that the
Totem has arrived on the campus.
(This Is True.)
"Who was that woman "i saw you
out with last night?"
'"That was no woman. That was my
red suspenders,"
"Wily   does   a   chicken   cross   the
"To keep his pants up."
UBC Players Get
State Contract
UBC Players Club has accepted .a
four week contract at the State
theatre, according to an announcement yesterday by the executive of
tho Club.
Four-week run will begin on Monday, featuring what the Players' Club
promises will bo th'j sexiest stage
show since the time of the Greeks.
Billed as "The Nude Studes", more
than1 fifty experienced members of
the cast will disrobe to present the
locally written, "What did they do on
a rainy night on Marine Driva".
"You ain't seen nothing yet," the
club's president told the Ubyssey.
"We're gonna change the term 'sex"
to something alive, active, and vital."
Prof. Lorthief Lonesome, in an interview with the Ubyssey, was asked
about his reaction to the signing of
tho State Theatre contract,
„Hell," the noted drama critic commented. "I kenw about this weeks
ago. I bought out bald head row before the first of March."
THE UBYSSEY, Friday, March 28, 1947.   Page Two.
Zlotnick:  "Capitalism and
Mental  Decline"   2.75 kopecs
Martin: "Philosophy of
Dacre   Cole"    2.75 kopecs
Shulman: ''New Masses and
Struggle for Capitalism" 1,50 kopecs
Livingstone: "Socialism for
the People"  3:50 kopecs
Greer: "Decline and Fall of
the CCF. Party" 95 kopecs
F, G. C. Wood: "Jane Austen
and  Communis/n"    25 kopecs
G. G. Sedgewick: 'Socialism in
Elizabethan England ...7.50 kopecs
Kirkpatrick: ''Life of
Timothy Buck"  2.75 kopecs
McKay:   "Labor and the
USC"  1.50 kopecs
205 Fellow Travellers Crescent
Fellow Travellers, B.C.
Prices: as listed.   To Fellow travellers:
we   give  you  some  kopecs  to  take
'em away.
Remember: Socialism is coming!
Time To Fly
At Great Rate
Fast time will go into effect in
Vancouver and its British Columbia
suburbs, according to word received
from a small town called Victoria,
viewed by some as the capital of the
The move was hailed in Vancouver
and New Westminster district, although rain was also prominent. It
was slightly stormy in some of the
smaller centres, lazy officials were
pleased to be relieved .... of the
responsibility of pasing by-laws connected with anything important.
The fast time will probably start
is slow passage in the House about
the end of summer, so as to be in
effect this decade. Members are all
excited over this forthcoming quick
passage to move.
Outside transportation will be slow,
but services within the province will
be fast. CPR steamers will remain
slow although they will be on fast
and only an hour slow.
Bus schedule will fall (padded
schedules are being made for fragile
schedules) in line with the fast move.
Providence All --
Uniqn Rules CM A
The Canadian Manufacturers' Association today ruled that the Vancouver Daily Providence was a 100%
union newspaper. This statement was
confirmed by the newspaper, which
agreed that every member of its
staff is a unio"h man,
In order to get subscribers, the
Providence, Always a Better Newspaper will strive to build bigger and
better comic strips, women's pages and
The Providence is a solid supporter
of union, union activities, trade union
organizations, the working man, and
social legislation.
The Trades and Labour Council,
The Canadian Congress of Labour,
the CIO, The AF of L, and the International Typographical Union are all
pals of the Daily Providence.
The Daily Providence is a 100%
union newspaper, and a solid supporter of labor. Always a better newspaper.
Hours: 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.; Saturday 9 a.m. to noon.
Graphic   Engineering   Paper,    Biology   Paper
Loose  Leaf  Refills,   Fountain  Pens  and  Ink
and Drawing Intsruments
Ten 1-hour Lessons    -    $2.50
All Types of Ball Room Dancing Taught
339 W  Pender MArine 4709
(Top Floor of Pender Auditorium)
Interested in South America?**
Many openings for young graduates.   My portfolio based on six years
recent employment, as an engineer, in South America lists 100 major
American companies, how-where-when to apply, and vital facts re
living conditions, salaries, etc.    Write today.   $1.00 postpaid.
"Tha/t was my wife."
No Meters
For Mall
Planned introduced of parking
meters along tha Mall has been denied by AMS President Ted Kirkpatrick, in an interview a Ubyssey reporter tomorrow morning.
"The student's council fe-als thr.t
placing parking meters along the Mill
would be inadvisable, since the AMS
is not in need of money. In addition.
there is not a great deal of demand
for parking space along the Mall.
and we do not feel it would be fair
to charge them sparking, uh—that is
—parking space along tbe uh—Ma—uh j
Kirkpatrick disappeared behind his
hand  in a coughing spasm.
Pastime Club
Charter O.K.'d
Jerry Macdonald, permanent presi
dent of the Licentious and Sexua
Executive, announced yesterday that
the Stupid Council had approved the
constitution of the Student Pastime
Club and that henceforth it would receive the ri?ht to use the university
breast and receive all the pass privileges of the Red Hot Mamma Society.
Headquarters of the Pastime Club
have been moved from New Westminster to the Stupid Council chamber;! in Brock Hall.
All co-eds must be in the hands of
the Registrar by April first in order
to bc eligible for a pass in the final
"Coca-Cola" ind its abbreviation "Coke"
«e the registered trade marks which   CCtCA  Tfil A I Tn       vlinrmivor
distinguish the product of Coca-Cola Ltd.   ,-u*-'^ CUliA LilU. -  V»nCOUVer
1 u
ouncil Debates
ar' Manager
Ejitice Lovelies
Three members of the Legion, whose
names must of necessity remain undisclosed, sweated out three hours
in the stocks yesterday afternoon for
"bearbaiting"' (presenting commercialized Sunday afernoon entertainment).
"Bearbaiting" is forbidden by the
Lord's Day Act of 1640 and conviction of the crime carries with it a
minimum fine of £5 or three hours
in the stocks.
According to the evidence, the
three men had inveiged several
young freshettes into an improvised
theatre in the basement of a Cordova
Street home, and there entertained
them by singing lewd ditties and presenting a bang-on rendition of "The
It is reported they charged an admission price of two cents, proceeds
to go to the ISS.
"It wasn't worth two cents," one
girl was quoted as saying.
The clergy heard of this commercialization and descended from their
pulpits upon these miscreants, hauling them off to the police station in
a flutter of bobby soxers and clerical
collars, where they sang naughty
songs all night (the miscreants, not
the clergy).
After release from the stocks,
where a miserable three hours was
passed watching pretty girls go by
without being able to do a thing
about it, one offender said: "I have
learned my lesson."
"Never again will I sing lewd ditties to young girls on Sundays,"
lamented another bearbaiter.
Worthless Lot
In Drug Orgy
Copyright by Time Magazine
Balding, youngish, (25) Jack Ferry,
editor of the University of British
Columbia's Ubyssey (circ. 8000) stepped into his office one day last week
to find half his editorial board lying
prostrate on the floor, the victims of
a drug orgy.
Said editor Ferry later: "I knew
they were a worthless lot, but that they
should eWW come to this. . . ". He
shudder a little.
Police discovered that the drug
found in the remains of Nancy Macdonald, Norm Klenman, Jean Mac-
farlane.and Don Ferguson was a drug
that could not be analyzed
Toxicologists in Vancouver were
unable to trace the drug, but claimed
it had the effect of forcing it* victims
to go for long evening walks. Samples
were4 sent to Montreal and Rochester
for further investigation.
The orgy climaxed a year of petty
jealousies and squabbles in the
Ubyssey. Most of the Ubyssey staff
resented the restrictions imposed by
the Ferry regime. Other Ubystanders
claimed that Ferry made his underlings work on a average of thirteen
hours every other day.
When confronted with the
possibility of appointing a Manager to supervise culinary operations in the Brock Hall
Snack Bar, interested parties
replied in a variety of wcys:
Said AMS President Ted Kirkpatrick: "I feel that a great deal of the
autonomy and education now enjoyed
by students on this campus would
be lost by the appointment of such
a Manager. True, we might benefit
by the increased efficiency of the
system under a Manager, but students
at present are gaining valuable experience in learning how to eat and
digest properly. The student who has
not learned to eat and digest by the
time he gets his degree is not a student fit to be called a graduate of
this University. Tuum Est."
Discipline Committee chairman and
Sounding Board chairman Bill McKay, president of the Honorary
Awards Committee, winner of an
Honorary Award, unsuccessful presidential candidate, chairman of the
Fall Ball which netted $4500 and hieh-
scorer in the UBC Soccer League, said:
"Feeling as I do, and as I expect many
other students do, I can only conclude
that the right course is that course
to be approved by the majority of the
students having a basic knowledge of
the facts in the case.
Said Bob Osborne, coach, prexy,
head, chief, and mentor of the Physical Training Department: "I understand that the appointment of a Manager of the Snack Bar would result in
the better spacing of tables and chairs
in the Snack Bar. Plans catering to
the soft, weak part of every university
student's makeup will be detrimental
in the end, and in the stomach muscles
as well. What better exercise is there
than a daily squeeze through and past
tables and chairs, balancing a heavy
tray of food above d«e S'liea'^o his
1 Forever Janet'
"Forever Janet", by F. G. C. Wood,
Scribners, 590 pages, 2.75.
That an author's sympathies must
lie with his subject is proven by
"Forever Janet", a novel based on the
life of Jane Austen, by F. G. C. Wood,
a prominent lecturer in English at
this university. Mr. Wood, in his
first novel, forsakes the field of criticism in favor of creation, bringing
forth a latent ability which no a-
mount of satiric wit could long deny.
Briefly, "Forever Janet" attempts
to trace the life of Jane Austen from
Stevenston to Bath to Southampton
to Chawton to Winchester, where she
died. An indeed, the novel follows
her to her last resting place.
Mr. Wood shows that Miss Austen
was a simple middle class woman,
who was hardly affected by the
Napoleonic Wars. She wrote only of
what she knew, the simple interaction
of people in society and to this theory,
"Forever Janet" thoroughly conforms.
The characters have simple—yet
complex — natures, and Mr. Wood
draws them finely. For as with Miss
Austen's, Mr. Wood's novel Is one of
character revelation by dialogue.
Miss Austen, Mr Wood is best at
character relelation by lialogue.
The plot of "Forever Janet" shows
evidence of careful planning, a neat
dovetailing of events, and a neat
symmetry. It is not notable for its
incident because there were a few
incidents in the life of Miss Austen
worthy of recording. Yet interest is
maintained at a high level because of
the author's rare faculty for endowing each dialogue with drama. Perhaps—and certainly this is not too
much to ask—we can expect a play
from the gifted pen of this author.
The greatest praise of the author,
Utter To The Editor
Editor, sir:
It has recently come to my attention that. But I cannot condone this
sort of activity. On the contrary, I
do no consider it compatible with
the higher education for which we
are all striving. Let me suggest,
threfore that in future we all.
I'm sure there will be a great
deal of support. I personally shall
be glad to offer my assistance should
anyone care to undertake. Furthermore, the faculty Committee on Student affairs will certainly come
forward with. In short, we should
not under any circumstances, permit. Please accept my hearty congratulation on your otherwise sincere effort to.
Dear Sir:
It has recently come to my attention
tha the Players' Club produced "What'
Every Woman Knows", and while I
have not seen the play, I heartily
condemn the suggestiveness embodied
in the title. Some of us, wha'are not
only deeply religious but deeply moral, deplore the lack of taste fhown by
the Ubyssey in reporting!this title.
Certainly, qualified iewswirters
should be able to evade sujgestiveness,
perhaps—and I offer the#e suggestions
out of the purest motives—you might
call the play ''What/Every Woman
. . . ." or perhaps 'JThe Knowledge
Possessed by Every! Woman." But
those of us who kno# women's minds
regret that the Payers' Club has
seen fit to bring if all out into the
however, b*diat so perfectly does he
catch the mood of Jane Austen's
England, her salon, the very simple-
Social Credit I
Hear You Call in1
Dr. Crumb issued a clarion call for
the utilization of the Social Credit
principles in the future. The prospect, he beamed, almost "challenges
one's credulity". Right here in B.C. for
instance these policies would provide
us with money for a $10,000,000 medical school, a complete network of
5-lane highways in every direction,
and a PGE extended as close to the
North Pole as may be deemed politically expedient.
"I suggest that such progressive
financial policies would contribute
in the least measure to inflation,"
Dr. Crumb declared, "and reveal
a complete misunderstanding of the
most profound monetary laws which
form the sure foundation of social
Dr. Joseph Crumb, just returned
from his annual pilgrimage to the
sHtine of Premier Aberheart, has
announced plans for the formation of
a social credit forum to study the
exalted fiscal principles and the lofty
monetary policies laid down by the
founder of this great Canadian Party.
Launching into a better tirade
against our old-fashioned, Victorian
methods of government financing, Dr.
Crumb called for radical changes in
our financial principles. He praised
the "expansive money policy" so
courageously pursued by the Government during the war but insisted that
it had not been carried far enough.
If this eminently practical policy had
carried to its logical conclusions, he
declared, we could have avoided increases either in our taxation or in
our now colossal national debt.
THE UBYSSEY, Friday, March 28,1947.  Pag© Three
By Jesus, Remnant
ness of her soul, that Mr. Wood himself might have been her contemporary.
The Film Survey Group—a very
capable and worthy organization by
the way—and one which should be
supported by (the public—is—sad to
say—not being supported by the public—any public.
That such a condition—a sad condition—should come about—and it has
come about, or as Schopenhauer—the
greatest pessimist—would say—he was
fond of saying things—"Ipse dixit".
We cannot expect worthy organizations like *he Film Survey Group—
and it is a worthy organization—to
flourish unless the public supports
Now, unless the public—the general
public—supports   the   Film   Survey
Group—we cannot expect that organization—quite worthy—to succeed
in its object—which is to present pictures—good pictures of lasting quality.
Lately, the Film Survey Group has
not—definitely not—been packing the
houses. Public apathy—for which you
and you and you—dilettantes at best
—are responsible. In viewing these
pictures—good ones—one should attempt to project his personality—his
whole personality—into the picture,
which is a work of art. So must we
—the general public—project ourselves into the Survey Group's theatre, if that noble organization is to
"What's It* terfocHon ;;: Check y/'lw tweet Uptt*
Kit's the best smoking discovery yet»«i
light vp and enjoy ft.*
Said Phil Evapis, ISS Head, and
sophomore member on Council: "Well
I think—yes I $o—I think that well—
I think that th4re is room for improvement everywhere of course. I don't
mean that tKe girls aren't doing a good
job as they are, but I mean efficiency
should be/the keynote of every modern enterprise and I think that if it'<s
going to'cost money, the MAD should
donate friost of it. And well. I think
so yes.''''
Finj^l word was delivered by Hilda
Ham/nerslob, behind-the-counter, occasionally under-the-table and what-
have-you girl at the Snack Bar. Said
Hilda: "Ah, nerts on dat! Ah, nerts!
AVi de sociological and political and
ec/onomical evidence gleaned from
instaking records of past and similar
Interphases reveals dat such a proposal
an meet only wit failure, So, nerts
Im dat!"
Made Good
A startling discovery by Dr. VlAdi
mir Okulitich of the UBC Oqflogy
Department, today rocked Geolojjical
and Palaeontological circles.      t
Last week while grubing to the
.debris near the new Library addition,
Dr. Okulitich discovered a iunique
fossil tourried in early Mi&sippian
deposits of the carboniferous period.
Upon closer analysis he found/ that it
appeared to be a foilized «6 pflg.
bottle of an early beverage refeembling
As this period is before ahy known
existence of human, the whole theory
of evolution of species J may be
Dr. Okulitich stated uy an 'nter-
view, "hie, those old boys/made ;.ood
| Pair of pink silk panties L Brock Hall
the night o*-"the Publi&tions Board
banquet.   PleaW rettufa to N. Macdonald at the nev^ d«B; in the Publications office.        /
I Small four-year-»Id st Bernard by
old   pensioner   •» ith   a   long   tail
Phone Alma 0944-K ;.ijd ,,sk for Joe
Jmbrcllat lost at bv*t( ste() j,y g^
| year law  student    \, Klreen  and
stripes,    Reta,r
See   JOHNSON'S   for
highgrade, hand-made Boots
for Loggers  - Prospectors.
Hiking   Boots   as   well   as
Heavy Work Boots at
A. W. Johnson Ltd.
63 W. Cordova    MA 7612
For your
Stationery Supplies
Fountain Pens
Slide Rules
Scales, etc.,
for the present term
Clarke & Stuart
550 Seymour St.
Vancouver, B.C.
Phone PAcific 7311
College fihop
It aoes without sail i
rwvu   for tUtteru,,. na
aw jor Spring »♦ ,
cool ^marfneds
Jtare smooth   navu
\?t< K i rost- uotole
rom tMJAY
INCORPORATED   2?"  MAY 1670. THE UBYSSEY, Friday, March 28,1947.   Page Four.
The Mummery
Except for a few years spent standing in the
puddles of various RCAF parade squares, 1
have been writing the Mummery since 1941.
Lately I have sensed a feeling among my colleagues that the time is ripe for my retirement.
Nothing obvious, of course. Just hints. For
instance, the other day when I took my copy
into The Ubyssey office an editor sprang up to
hold open the swinging door for me. I could
have opened the swinging door myself.
"Hello, old man," he said, guiding me to the
city desk as though I were a blind sheep dog.
"Sit down, won't you?"
A young, red-cheeked reporter slipped a
chair under me.   A rocking chair.
"Written another column, eh?" said the editor, taking the column in a pair pf forceps and
dropping it neatly into a steaming sterilizer.
"Yeah," I said, staring at two reporters standing near the wall. They were stroking invisible
beards, and they cupped their ears as they
talked to one another.
"Written another column, eh? one of them
crowed hoarsely.
"Yep," nodded the other one, "sure have."
"Say," said the editor. "How long is it sinca
you started writing for The Ubyssey?"
"You asked me that last week."
"I know, but I love to hear it."
"Well, if you feel that way ..."
"It's going to be a gap in the paper.   We'll
have to find a new columnist, which means tearing up the floor boards again."
"In that case, I'd be glad to . . . ."
"I suppose we'll find a replacement, but it
won't be the same, it won't be the old Jabez."
"Well, look, if you really want me . . . ."
"Goodbye, old man," said the editor, globs of
glycerine welling out of his eyes as he shook
my hand and two reporters turned my chair
towards the door.   "And good luck."
I creaked out of the office and up into the
brilliant sunshine of the Brock piazza.
As I stood admiring a clump of long-stemmed
drum majorettes, I reviewed the years spent
writing for the paper, chronicling the frightened bewilderment of the freshman, the blatant
cockiness of the sophoipore, the calm assurance
of the junior, the doubt-ridden reserve of the
senior, and the frightened bewilderment of
the graduate. I remembered the first person
I ever saw laugh at a column of mine — a short,
round-faced, bug-eyed girl sitting across from
me in the Library. Unfortunately, before I
could ask her to marry me, she also laughed
at the editorial, at the news stories, and, later,
at something in a copy of the 1941-42 Calendar.
I remembered seeing people smile as they
By Don Marklby
"Six years," I mumbled, trying to straighten    passed me in the quad, and taking the smile as
my shoulders, without success.
"I thought it was eight years. Back in 1939,
Chang Suey . . . ."
"Maybe it was eight years," I said.   "I don't
One of the reporters was now stretched out
on his back on the sports desk, staring glassily
at the ceiling. Other reporters knelt around
him, while somebody drew a coat up over the
face of the body.
I cleared my throat.
"I was thinking," I said. "Maybe I'd better
not write the column next year. After all, there
are younger writers ..."
"I'm sorry to hear that," interrupted the
editor, turning a quick handspring. "I don't
know who'll fill your place."
a compliment for my writing, until I noticed
that my shirt was hanging out.
And, remembering, I decided to conclude
this, column by thanking those persons who
have patiently let me clown around for so long
on this precious B.C. pulp. That includes the
pubsters, past and present, who have tolerated
an exhibitionist in their midst. However you
may feel about it, for me it's been a lot of fun
writing this stuff. (The temptation at this
point is to get sentimental as hell. Give me the
slightest encouragement and I'll be blubbering
all over your middy).
To Mr. Les Bewley, then, from failing hands
I throw back the clinker.
To the rest: the best of luck and the brightest of summers.
AMS President Grant Livingstone announced yesterday
that he has arranged for the opening of cocktail bars in four
locations on the campus.
During an exclusive interview withe>
almost every reporter in town, Liv
ingstone revealed that his project is
one  plank   in  his  election  platform
that he haa, until now,, kept out of
his public statements,
"I couldn't very well announce it
during the election campaign," Livingstone said modestly as he lounged
in his office over a mint julep. "I had
to give the other candidates a chance,"
He also made mention of establishing what he termed "a house" on the
campus. But he intimated that there
should be no hasty conclusion drawn
about "the house".
''It's just going to be an ordinary
'house'. We're going to try to keep
it as disorderly as possible."
The cocktail bars, the President said,
will be located in Brock Hall, in the
new Physics Building, in tihe Auditorium lobby and in the Library,
"The wine cellar under the Library
is almost ready now," Livingstone
added. "Up until now we've had to
tell them it was for the power transmission unit."
Un'd'll Discovers
Coffee Gold Mine
According to the latest monthly
financial report from the UBC Cafeteria, Manager Frank Underhill has
saved the AMS more than $483,000 in
the sale of coffee alone.
"You see,' the Manager explained,
"we use a brand of coffee that is
good to the last drop. What's wrong
with tho last drop, I don't know; but
it sure pays dividends.'
He went «n to say that the Cafeteria staff carefully save every last
drop that the coffee is good to.
"Then, when there are enough for
a full cup—presto! We've saved the
AMS another 5V4 cents."
Underhill denied that he had given
the staff orders to change the grounds
in the coffee makers.
"We've   used   those   grounds!   ever
.-•slice  I've been  manager,"  he  said.
"An3" 'what's   good   enough   for   the
'27 griMs is good enough for the '47
McLean And Kids
Hog All Jobs
There will be no jobs for university
students this summer, Mr. McLean of
the employment announced yesterday.
Grants of $150.00 will be given to
all students who promise not to work
this summer, he said. He plans to
give-lectures in the Auditorium on
"How not to work," or "Wasting your
leisure time."
"Me wife, me kids, and me relatives
are filling all the job vacancies we
have now," he stated.
Model (girl preferred) to pose draped or otherwise, for Pub Photographers. SPECIFICATIONS: height 5'6",
a drape shape, but will take on any
others too. Must be able to drink,
smoke, and take self-portrait if photographer's hands are busy. Bring your
own couch and bear-skin rug. Apply
between 11:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m. any
night at the Pub darkroom and see
what develops.
Today the Ox-Cart parks in front of
the Arts Building, puts Bezzie, our
Ox. out to graze, and attacks the
subject. This is a difficult subject, of
course, but the Ox-Cart is entirely
in agreement. People on the whole
don't get enough time. Therefore they
should get more time. You may not
agree with this, of course, but that's
because you're prejudiced.
Now take Capitalism. Hail Capitalism. There's nothing like it, of course.
Everybody's satisfied with it. Even
Bezzie, my Ox, Bezzie's satisfied with
Capitolism because she's too much
of an Ox to appreciate anything
better. So am I.
Not only that, but we need a medical faculty, because people haven't
got enough doctors and things, mostly
things. Hail Medical Faculty.
Well, that's the way things are, and
Bezzie agrees with me thoroughly.
Kai\ Bezzie.
Anarchists Elect
New Executive
Anarchista Anonymous, a branch of
the Newm&n Club at the University
of British Columbia, has recently
elected a new' executive. Heading the
list of officers for the coming year
are Gordon Martin, purged ex-president of the Social Problems Club,
and 'Gor' Zlotnick, one-time head of
the International^ Union of Pamphlet
Passers, IWW, and more recently a
star witness for 'the Crown in the
trial of Pat Sullivan.
In answer to questions about the
aims of his organization Martin answered, "We intend to do away with
tha old order".
Asked how he would carry out
the program he answered that the
group would eliminate statism capitalism, communism and alcoholism.
Parking meters and Gerry McGeer
are also on the agenda to be cleaned
up as are well-known communists
uich as R. J. Templeton.
All those interested in doing away
with the world's cares are invited to
a special meeting to be held Easter
Sunday in the SCM room, Auditorium 313.
7AU il Same
Kcnda Stony
Accuracy in Journalism was stressed in an address by some guy called
Pierre Burtin. or something, to an
assembly of quite a few Ubyssey reporters,   two  or  three   days  ago.
This guy, he was kind of tall I
remember, said something about always getting the facts straight when
you'r righting a news story. He said
a bunch of other things too. Something about righting heads I think.
1 think that the guy that introduced
him was the editor of the Ubyssey
He was short an dark anyway. Somebody said he was the editor.
Oh yes, as I was saying, this
Bertun guy, or maybe it was Birton,
something like that, said he thought
a lot of the Ubyssey.
After he was finished everybody
went home. Some of the kids went
to the Library to study.
Man Of Extrirctiofr
Wanted—Two single beds, preferably
twins. Phone Mr. Ferry at BAy. 7411.
For Sale—Double bed, has been slept
on on only one side. Also, one
chesterfield, spring slightly worn,
as it has been used as a bed for last
four  months.  Phone  BAy.  7411.
An Apology
This is serious, friends, really it is.
We realize that all the other stories
are in jest, but this is really serious.
Now don't get thinking that this is
another gag. We mus be serious
Please, please, hide that smile. No,
stop  it.  Please This is serious.
It has come to our attention that in
a story last week, the name of he
sound technician, Tommy Mitchel,
was changed to Calvert. No, what we
mean is—his real name was Calvert,
but it said Mitchel in the story. And
we feel an apology should be made.
No cancel that. (Editor: Please take
thii junk out.)
Sound technician for tlie Rodio Society, Tommy Calvert, had his name
misspelled last week when tho Ubyssey
calledhim Tommy Mitchel. Wo feel
sure Mr. Mitchel, that is Mr. Calvert,
is very capable and deserves the
fullest apology and credit for his
work. (Take this out too, Val. No
Tommy Calvert, sound technician
for the Radio Society, was injured
last-(Kill  iO
Last week when the Ubyssey published a story on Tommy Calvtlt,
that is the story wasn't about Tfn-
my Calvert, but he was in it—011
the whole damn story, Val. Mtfbe
his name IS Mitchel. I don't knoVl)
Ed. Note: The Ubyssey is proud to
present Hank Sweatman as this week's
Man of Extinction. Sweatman, president of Inter-Maternity Council and
a member of Dirty Underwear is at
present, in second year Architecture
for the fourth conseecutive year. He
is shown in a typical "man of extinction" muse, modestly displaying his
latest design at the drafting board.
Below is his column, a veritable gem
of wisdom, in the typical Sweatman
"Man of Extinction" style,
"What is itruth?' said jesting Pilate;
and would not Itay for an answer.
It, was a high speech of Seneca, after
the manner of the Stoics, that "the
good things which belong to prosperity are to be wished, but the good
things that belong to adversity are to
be admired."
The joys of parents are secret, and
so are their griefs and fears. He that
hath wife and children hath gi'ven
hostages to fortune. The stage is more
beholden to love than the life of man.
There is in man's nature a secret inclination and motion towards love of
Nuptial love maketh mankind,
friendly love perfecteth It, but wanton love corrupteth and embaseth it
Member Canadian University Press
Authorized as Second Class Mail, Post Office Dept., Ottawa.
Mali Subscription   —  $2.00 per year. ^
Published during the\university year by the Student Publications Board of
the Alma MaterVSociety of the University of British Columbia.
Offices in Brock Hall.   \ Phone ALma MM
T?difior-in-Chief  —  Jack Ferry
1   v Ii
PERRY COMO        «/*"
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Your RCA Victor Record dealer will gladly play it for you.
ALSO SONG OF SONGS . . . Perry Como
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2028 WEST 41ST KErr. 4810 4508  WEST  10TH  ALma 2544
The National Illustrated! for Young Men and Women
A smart appearing, intensely-interesting monthly
of a positive, informative nature, profusely illustrated, specializing in Subjects which are of the
greatest interest and importance to the modem
young adults — whethdr the reader be a college
student, a business or ^Industrial personality, or a
parent in the home. TWe articles in each issue will
be written in a live, vibrant, fast-moving manner
with plenty of "sparkle"' and reader-appeal, by
some of the leading authors, educators and cartoonists in the country.
Some Regular Features In
• SHORT STORIES—Tide and Fictional.
Importance \
For Young Men and Written
—   and many other interesting features   —
Watch for    \
Obtainable at ALL News-stands
About the Middle of A|M
IS Cents a Co\>y the Bancnutier SttflOHe-f eralb
THE UBYSSEY, Friday, March 28, 1947.   Page Five.
Strike Called By
Ubyssey Reporters
Charging that the Editor-in-Chief
of the Ubyssey is unfair to organized
labor, some dozen union reporters of
the   Ubyssey   have   walked   out   on
Pickets have been thrown around
Brock Hall, by members of the BURP
local 1 (benevolent union of rambunctious pubsters) headed by George
Robertson in an effort to gain their
demands. The union is demanding a
closed shop with union recognition.)
The union charges that Don Ferguson, recently appointed Editor of the
paper, has consistently refused to
recognize tho union.
Editor Ferguson stated that he will
never,   never,   never   come   to   any
People Smell Me
CHRISTMAS: You know, it's a
funny thing, but one of my scouts
reports ithat Christinas is a regular
institution in most countries, In English-speaking countries, our scout reports, Christmas generally falls on
December 25. Christmas has been
falling on that day in most English-
speaking countries for quite some time
says our scout. Another curious fact
is that some countries who do not
speak English also celebrate Christmas
on December 25. It would seem then,
that December 25 is celebrated by
many people as Christmas Day.
INDUSTRY: J. P. Hansard, prominent Vancouver industrialist, invited
us to his home the other day to see
his furnishings in his newly-decorated living room. Mr. Hansard's living-room is graced by a most interesting color scheme. Much of the
furniture is colored maroon, a kind
of dark red. The other color which
goes to make up the maroon-green
combination is, surprisingly, green.
Mr. Hansard's color-scheme for hio
living-room, he reports, is maroon-
LOOK-ALIKES: One of our scouts
reports he knows a pair of identical
twin brothers who look very much.
agreement with the union. "The
strike," he said, "is illegal and they
(the union men) are fired."
Unless the matter can be esttled
quickly the paper will have to suspend publication.
The union has appealed to USC to
arbitrate in the dispute.
Currency Worn
Well Last Year
OTTAWA—An estimated $$82.00 in
Canadian currency has been defaced
and worn "beyond repair" during
the past year, according to a special
report presented to the House today
by officials from the Dominion Government Mint.
Destruction, Mint officials said, was
a result of various games indulged in
by persons of "doubtful character"
who have "used the currency for
other than its original purpose".
Officials made mention of students
at the University of British Columbia
as being "instigators of a plot to
destroy the present system of monetary exchange".
"Throwing pennies against the
wall," the report said, "has been the
chief cause of the destruction."
Named among the offenders were a
number of members of the UBC Mamooks, long recognized as a "service"
club on the campus.
Leader of the undercover organization, the report continued, is a UBC
coed, Maureen "Mo" Auterson, alias
"Mo" Auderswein, alias "Ma" Otter-
son, formerly of Chicago and Atlanta.
McKay Makes
Habit Of
jlllll.l.ll.     .11      ,—I.I. II.     11.11] l. ,|| I.I.IIIIM....I.,,    .— ..I
On^ garter at PUB banquet or
Georgia. Please return to Nancy
in PUB office, or come and take
ihe other, Little or no resistance
g uarantetd.
\        WILL TRADE
Wil\)  Trade on  wassail bowl  cheap.
Sentimental  value  but  must   sell.
Ripply Norm Klenman, Publications
Newspaper space every Saturday. Call
Bewley, at ALma 1624.   Also several
By Canadian University Press
In an exclusive with The Ubyssey,
Jack Wasserman stated yesterday that
he is positive that Nora Clarke,
well-known campus figure, is the
president of the Inter-fraternity
''Old  Reliable"   Baby  Sitter  Service.
When you are out of town we will
come and sit with your baby.
Madame Plfi's Bust Developer.   "We
make mountains out of molehills."
Phone Nancy,   ALma 1624.
D.D.:   Meet me at old trystlng place.
I tryst you.—N.H.
D.R.:    For tryst's sake, let's resume
our firendship. —L.K.
Salute To March
Today we salute the month of March, as fine
a month as ever came between February and
April (By the way, what ever did cause thoso
two to separate?)
Yessir, as we roll into bed each morning
after prowling Granville Street all night looking for look-alfkes and helping Gerry clean up
the city ,we just can't help thinking what a
fine blessing is bestowed upon Her little people
each March by ole Mother Nature.
Why, when you think of all the rain down
the spout, and the mud on Homer Street, and
the wet feet of the men on the beat, it's just
enough to warm the sentiment in thus old
journalist's heart.
In fact, this great thing has touched us so
deeply that we are immediately beginning a
public subscription, for better or for werts, to
the "Give a cheer, Buy a beer, for March
Gentlemen, we give you March—glorious,
envigorating, warm, cold, dry, wet, slushy,
gushy, and earlier than April.   Windy, too.
Ott *J6e @cunfM4.
There are 9000 students on the campus at the University of B.C., according to statistics released by the registrar yesterday.
Tim Buck:
The National President of the
Canadian Manufacturers Association,
Timothy Buck, will speak to the
students of the Fascist Forum with
the blessings of the Student Council,
it was revealed today.
There are 8700 students enrolled at
the university of B.C. according to
statistics released by the President of
the Microbiology association.
New Club Formed:
Charter has been granted yesterday
to the Pre-Marital Relations Club,
a branch of a larger organization at
present active in downtown Vancouver. Elections will take place in
the armouries to accomodate the
huge turnout club officials expect.
Underground Work
To Break Surface
Underground excavation work has already begun on the
new War Memorial Gymnasium unknown to most students on
the campus. ®	
There are at present three power
shovels and over 100 laborers working
daily far below the surface of th*
ground at the cite of the building.
The power shovels are scheduled to
break through the turf at almost any
time, states Pen McLeod who makes
daily inspection trips down the manhole at the intersection of the Mall
and the Highroad.
McLeod startled a general meeting
of the Board of Trustees by announcing that the building would be completed by the end of the week.
Another startling fact exposed at
the gathering was that the remaining
$283,000 needed to make up the $500,-
000 for the building of the new gym
was donated by the members of the
Ubyssey Publications Board, Officials
of the newspaper went on to say that
this grant leaves only $601,332.48 in the
Ubyssey's account.
Clarke Comments
No Radio Budget
1. He can have his old test tubes
up in that Science lab. I'm going out
with other men now.
2. Moved in future council meetings: By Macdonald: That Macdonald
and Clarice have first priority on next
year's council romance, pending approval of other available males Livingstone, Bagnall.
3. We're gonna pass time up in
da pastime club dis year.
4. No more women on WUS< this
year. Dere's only gonna be men.
5. If Norm Klenman don't go to
Lundun dis year, he's gonna live in
a stack, and I'm gona be mistress of
da stack.
Latest estimate, by the waitress in
tho snack bar: 8,654.
Turner Praises
Frank Turner
Frank   Turner,   secretary   manager
of the Alumni Association of the
University of British Columbia has
been awarded the Frank Turner
medal for the best alum of the 46-47
Mr. Turner was the only contestant
eligible for the award and was judged
as leading alum by the illustrous
alumni Judge, Frank Turner.
Judge Turner said in a press statement,, "Frank Turner deserves to
win the Turner medal, because of his
outstanding work in the Alumni
Mr. Turner replied, "I heartily concur with tho decision."
of your
Ht'bt I C  Ar*ili**fl
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Howl ».W A.M.-5;J0 f.M. Sal. 9,00 A.M. lo II Noon
If you've bctn lucky enough lo get one of thtst new
appliances, why not take advantage of this B.C. Electric
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Advisors will show you economical and practical ways,
to get the most out of your new Appliance . . .
This and many other services for your convenience ... and for
better living arc available to you... for an appointment call...
PAcific 1212
Oh 7<4* Ga*Hfuu
There are between 2500 and 10,000
students on the campus of the University of B.C.^according to an estimate by harried student officials
yesterday. A member of the Socialist
Forum said that most of them were
Socialists, but Ted Kirkpatrick, AMS
president stated that perhaps this was
too conservative an estimate.
Mystery Melodies
Daily 11:05 a.m.
DIAL   1230
two dainty
Easter blouses
by "supercraf t"
Your Spring suits will literally
blossom when you don one of these dainty blouses
from the Blouses, Spencer's, Fashion Floor.
•fl      A sparkling white, short sleeved crepe blouse,
lace insertion at neck. Sizes 14 to 18.        M AC
2   ^Dainty, long sleeved sheer blouse.   Front insert
of pretty lace.   White only. 14 to 20.        M QJj
California-UBC Rugby Tilts
Kindly Permitted By Moyls
All portents point to a record being broken this afternoon
as the biggest crowd of the year is expected to cram into the
Varsity Stadium to watch the Majorettes, Mamooks, brass bands
and other celebrants perform. Between these colorful exhibitions a rugger game with the University of California  is
This evening, the Californians will
jump out of the holes into which they
were trampled during the afternoon
to take on the hoopla version of the
Thunderbirds. The same program
will take place tomorrow, Saturday.
Several unheralded stars will be
seen in action this afternoon. In an
exclusive scoop, borrowed from a
well known downtown morning paper,
(Thank Ferry it's delivered here every
morning) this reporter has learned
that the following men will see action
today and tomorrow.
Players in tlie scrum will include
Heartless Crosby, Scoreless Scott, and
Bathless Groggins. Coach and immoral support will be Osymandias
who, although noted for rough and
unclean play, will definitely keep
Bathless Groggins away from the
scrum arid the grog.
Standoff for the game wiil be James
(OBC) McKeachie, who has the best
all round talents for this position. Sit
off will be big Doug, who likes Rieding
about the game. Half of the scum will
be four-Wheeler.
Big threat of tlie team will be Maury
Physick who not only packs a mean
ball, but is noted for his leadership
from a good distance.
Secret weapon of the team is rumored at being a number of Spiers
which the boys will launch at the
enemy in proper Thunderbird fashion.
Captain of the team will be MAD
chief Keith MacDonald, who will
bring his personal spare Dave Com-
rlilape, who is also mad.
Although lacking in speed, teamwork, and experience the team hopes
to bewilder the opposition with a
razzle dazzle military show, which is
being arranged by a marshall named
Apparently lacking faith in suspenders the squad is expecting great
things to come off this afternoon.
Charges Against
MAD President
Keith MacDonald, president of the
Men's Athletic Directorate, was convicted last night by the Discipline
committee of "playing on an outside
team without the written consent of
the Men's Athletic Directorate."
MacDonald, being both the defendant and the chairman of the body
making the charge, played a conspicuous role in the hottest sitting of
the Discipline committee to date.
MacDonald was sentenced by Discipline committee chairman Bill McKay after making an appeal that left
not a soul in the room with dry eyes.
He   was   sentenced   by   McKay   to
' attend   every   AMS   meeting   during
the year 1947-48
"And under the Livingstone administration," McKay commented, what
could be worse?"
Mac Donald put forth the plea that
he had tried to apply to MacDonald
for permission to play on the outside
team, but was unable to contact him.
"That MacDonald's harder to rind
than an Artsman at the Sciencemen's
Ball," MacDonald pleaded.
MacDonald was asiked to explain
his reason for playing on an outside
team and to name the team.
"It was the Vancouver City I^ap
Frog Tournament for Fat Ladies,"
MacDonald explained. "One of their
team members was kind of low on
calories, so they asked me to substitute."
"How did you make out?" McKay
"It wasn't worth the trouble," MacDonald  testified.  "Everybody  got all
MacKay asked to tell the court
whether or not he had turned out for
the UBC Leap Frog team.
"I "tried to," the defendant said,
"but by the time I got out here from
my home in Essondale, everybody
else on the team was one jump ahead
of me."
"Besides," he testified, "I wasn't as
bowlegged at the beginning of the
season and I had quite a time making
some of the hurdles."
JV ^0*>WeV.}A.v
Friday, March 28, 1947.
Page Six.
SCOOP HYER, Sporting Editor
ASSociatc:  Luke Moyls, Assistant:   Puke McLukc
Reporters This Issue—Muke Loyls, Moyls Boyls, Francis Moils, David Moyls,
Mr. Moyls, Hells Bells.
With Assistance from the Graduate Manager of Athletics.
This Is trueeeeee
Notice all cricketers. Final indoor
practice of the year was held Wednesday evening. All those interested
in turning out for one of Varsity's
two cricket teams this year please
contact either Lester Bullen at ALma
1218 L or Dave Pudney at ALma
1476 R.
"Distributors for full or part
time work taking orders for
II. Large book over 1,100
pages profusely illustrated
with authentic photographs
portraying Canada's sons'
and daughters' part in the
war. Large profits, easily
made, part of earnings paid
daily. Write for free outfit
Dept,  Q    -    P.  O.  Box 32,
Terminal A,    Toronto, Ont.
Moyles Not Even
Mentioned Here
After much dickering and loud talk
by campus Alpine Mountaineers, a
separate ski club completely devoted
to nursery skiing will be formed next
year with the ardent "skeimister"
Ronald Shusser Hooey in complete
This drastic step (putting Hooey in
charge) was made necessary when it
was found out that members of the
ski team could "she" but not "ski".
Under the capable showmanship of
the "Little Swiss", alias coach Peter-
meter Voida, a plan has been underfoot to get the M.A.D. to appropriate
$100,000 to finance the ski teams trips
next season.
It was stated that only $50,000 of
the funds would be spent in refreshments and incidental expenses.
'Another drastic step to be taken
by Dave Comparelli next year will
be the buying of a special railway
coach and station wagon for the
team's personal use.
"Why the railway coach?" queried
this reporter. "Because", replied
Davy, "the CPR and CNR are short
of cars and they can't afford to have
any  more wrecked."
What was meant by this scandalous
statement was not disclosed at press
time to-day.    '
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Harvard   Signs-up   Moyls
With  Yo-yo  Scholarship
Another UBC graduate joined the ranks of the famous last
night with the announcement that Francis David "Luke" Moyls
has been awarded the Harvard Scholarship for Outhouse standing Achievement in the Field of Yo-yos.
Commenting on the latest honor to be bestowed upon the
most popular Graduate Manager of Athletics at UBC, Moyls
said, "UBC may well be proud of me outstandin' record."
"I unnerstan' dat dere's no strings attached to dis here
yo-yo scholartchip.   Dat's why I might not take da offer."
Moyls was boarding an eastern plane during the interview.
"Ya, yuh gotta hand it tuh me," Moyls continued, "Dis
yo-yo racket sure has its ups and downs."
A graduate of Shurpass School of Yo-yo's, Moyls came to
UBC "just tuh study collitch life." Encouraged when he received a diploma, he stayed until the announcement of his
scholarship award.
President N. A. M. MacKenzie, expressing his pleasure at
Moyl's success, said, "I hope they know what they're doing at
Harvard.   Oh well, their loss is our gain."
Moyls expressed hopes of stopping over at Pittsburgh for
a few days to visit his parents who are engaged in the iron and
steel business there.
"Mo mudder irons an' me fadder steals," Moyls explained
Moyls Shuns 'Boozie' Capozzie
After Campus Liquor \ Scandal
Herbert Capozzi, 205-pound University of British Columbia student and
son of a prominent Kelowna wine
merchant, was arrested late Thursday
by Provincial Police on the University grounds and charged with "selling intoxicatinK liquors to innocent
Capozzi, known to police officers as
"Boozie", was apprehended in one of
the    Home    Economics    laboratories,
This is trueeceecc
Dear Sir:
While I was practising basketball
in the gym last Saturday, my Bis;
Block sweater was removed from the
dressing room. It may have been
taken by mistake by a member ot the
Bi« Block Club and if this is the case,
I would appreciate its return. If,
however, it was deliberately removed
could I say to its present possessor,
it is rather a risky garment to have.
The Big Block sweater can easily be
detected on anybody not enWtled to
wear it and therefore its utility is
somewhat restricted. As I cannot
appeal to <the person's morals to return it, perhaps my offer of another
perfectly good sweater, which can be
worn at all times, for its return will
be some inducement.
where, police report, he had been
experimenting with a new type of
secret alcoholic substance.      y
Capozzi had been suspected for several months, said Detective-Sargent I,
Catchemall, in charge of the Provincial Police Criminology Bureau on
the campus, but the officers of lav/
and order could not pin anything on
him that would stand up in court.
Several months ago Capozzi and
Laurie Dyer, prominent Ubyssey sport
editor, were picked up in the vicinity
of the UBC Gym, arrested, and charged with vagrancy.
Police, however, believed that at
the time Dyer was handing out free
copies of the Ubyssey to "innocent
freshmen" in which were wrapped
bottles of intoxicating liquors. Before police could arrive on the scene
after a tipoff, Dyer and Capozzi had
ditched the few remaining bottles into
the hardening cement of the new library addition.
Chick Turner, 1947-48 sports editor
of the Ubyssey made the following
tear-filled statement to your , campus,
press: "It is people like 'Boozie' that
are degrading the morals of freshmen
on the campus. It is hard to believe
that Mjv Oyer had any part in the
affair. Nevertheless, I have ordered
all Ubyssey sport reporters to wear
their pants at half mast in memory of
his infamous actions,"
—Ubyssey Photo by 16 Ounce Mickey,
LUKE MOYLS Caught In The Act
Moyls Resigns From Post;
Campus Athletics Bog Down
All campus athletics have been suspended indefinitely.
This unprecedented action was taken by the Men's Athletic-.;
Directorate late last night following the apprehension of Luke
Moyls on charges of illegal bookmaking activity.
A shocked sluden heirarchy is at a
Moyls Approves
Bear Hoop Tilts
After a short jaunt down south,
Luke Moyls announced yesterday,
(panting all the time, mind you) that
the California hoop team were just
about good enough to meet the Thunderbirds of UBC and that he had
okayed a two-game series scheduled
for tonight and tomorrow night at the
UBC gym.
As preliminaries, the Senior B gals
will be out to capture the B.C. championship by making chumpians of the
opposition. They will be playing a
two game total punt series with the
Duncan babes.
There is even a rumor that Lana
Turner has come up with the Bears
to make sure that things are kept
bouncing at both contests. Moyls has
decided that she should sit on his knee
dui-ing the same if the tickets are sold
out before she gets here. Obviously,
she hasn't a hope.
As for the Thunderbirds, things have
been hopping in the 'Bird stronghold
which is situated in the large space
behind Mr. Moyls' office.
The Wizard of Oz, who is proving
quite an oddity to the California boys
who have seen too many movies, is
putting the Blue and Gold quintet
throught terrific hoops. Even Senior Manager Gordon has been stripping.
Kappa Finks, 14; Rinky Dinks, 0.
Beta Smelts, 11; Smelta Bets, 0,
'.hcepdas, 67; Kimonas, 0, Mad Milliners, .2; Theta Keta Meta Beta Heta
Detei Rota Zeta Epsomlong, .0.
This is trueeeeee
There will be a meeting on Wednesday, April 2 at 12:30 in the Men's
Club Room, Brock Hall to elect next
year's executive of the Men's Big
Block Club.
loss in dealing with a situation that
has rent the university sports picture
into shreds.
Provincial Constable Jack Dowling
made teh arrest yesterday evening at
10:30 in the office of the Graduate
Manager of Athletics.
Handed to the AMS Council at a
hastily-called emergency session, was
a revealing 41 page letter, containing
an eye-opening confession, and a
sizzling indictment of a score of other
prominent campus officials.
A shakeup in the athletic picture is
Included in a list of "confederates"
which filled three typewritten pages
were H. Douglas Whittle, the Assistant Director of Athletics, and David
Comparelli, recently-elected Chairman of the MAD.
All suspects have been rounded up
by the Discipline Committee.
Claiming that he had been "on to
ithis man Moyls" for some months, the
officer, known as the "Terror of
Eighth", related the measures he had
taken to make sure "the wily operator was caught with the goods."
"But," he added gleefully, "two
things have laid the culprit low." The
first was the now famous statement to
the UBC. The second, revealed
Dowling, was the photograph printed
on this page which he had taken before ''oiling me handcuffs".
Questioned on the validity of his
statement, Moyls broke into short,
static, hysterical sobs, and shrieked:
"Soon you'll be asking for a cut in
me profits."
Whittle, now on *50,000 bail was
"I gotta eat, don't I? Moyls gave
me enough to support my kid. There
are three mouths- to feed now, and
those greenbacks don't change color."
David Comparelli, alias "Gravy Dan"
was speechless. However in a written statement, he declared.
"Moyls is one of this university's
smartest men. He headed the coast-
wide bookie syndicate, and paid oil
his boys 100 per cent. He'g'a good guy."
We Specialize in Printing
for Fraternities & Sororities
566 Seymour Street Vancouver.
Cxt/ui Ml£d
This is trueeeeee
Varsity Women's; C-f'ass Hockey
Team b-ittled their wrfy to a decisive
4-1 victory over Nov.m Van Grads in
the finals of the yancouver Women's
Grass Hockey League to become the
city champions. North Van tallied
their lone goal k few minutes before
full time to ti-> tho score and force
Ihe g'me into overtime. However the
fighting spirit of the Varsity Eleven
proved tar, rntich for the North Van
aggregation &\-, they plowed through
their opposition's defence to score
three quick gqfcls and leave no doubt
as to who wiJ the winner.
Varsity's Pa\ Fish tallied three
goals to lead t\e scoring parade and
Anne Munroe pushed in the final
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