UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The Point Grey Endowment Affairs Mar 22, 1960

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Bandit Proclaims
Soci a 11 y I n c r e d i t a b I es
A Coming Thing!
Mr.   Hardware  "Archer"  Bandit,  Premium of B.C., recently stated to the press that he
and his gang, the Socially Increditables, would soon have a majority in Canada.
Continuing this train of
thought on the same track (no
doubt the PGE) Mr. H. A. Bandit
gave this news reporter a sample of the campaign speech he
will be using for mobs everywhere should he ever be asked
to 'run for Priminister. -
f^My friends, and you are my
friends (hands waving wildly in
the'V. air, canines voraciously
flashing through a tight grin),
we, the peoples of this great
noble province are living at the
mouth of the horn of plenty in
drenched prosperity under kind
sun rays.
"Look at our farms producing
such bountiful harvests: gee
whiz, look at our industries producing such bountiful quantities
of good; whilikers, look at our
retail general stores selling
bountiful amounts of food, clothing and hardware. Golly-
'Heh, heh, Hardware reminds me of the beautiful Ogo-
'"pogo Vale which I Droudly call
home. Home sweet home. Lovely
words, eh? er—I wish all of you
WONDERFUL people would
make a point of visiting this
constituency. Heh, heh, when
there, by all means.kind friends
of THE great tourist attractions resources to the world. I actually
of this fair land (of course you
realize I refer to BANDIT'S BIG
. . . no I shouldn't say that because my personal debts disappeared just before those of the
province's at last-midsummer's
dream, the BIG Shoo, the BIG
BIG "bond-fire" at O'K-Lowna.
That was when, ahem, you all so
affectionately dubbed me "Archer."
"Yes, neighbour, we are really
debt free. A big hand for this.
(Space for applause). We have
SO much on our hands that we
are giving every home-owner a
FREE grant; I can afford to
travel to the UK. and please note,
neighbours, I am giving Point
Grey Endowment less financial
assistance than ever. Don't like
these rash, young youngsters
going over their parents' heads.
Must keep our big happy families
together. This will also keep
them home working and therefore contributing to the familial
and provincial funds. Things
have never beenaSO jolly!
"Progress you ask?"- You're
darn hammering. Why, look
what I did to promote and ad-
and neighbours, don't miss one   vertise B.C. beauties and natural
issued a flag. What do you think
of THAT? (space for applause).
Obviously you like it. I'm
"From the rave notices that
we have received I recommend
thfft a similar flag be adopted
for our nation. Think of ihe r&»
actions, why the response, would-"
be fatalistic—I  mean  fantastic.
"The famous symbols of our
Socially :Increditables will be
portrayed against a green background of Funny-Money, like
grass to the cow; Sorry for the
Inconvenience signs; 400 yards
of track from the proposed
Prince George-Yukon railway
that has been promised surrounding that; pictures of the new
Sydney-Twassen Beach luxury
liners foaming at the stern; rows
of two-bit pieces collected from
fares of the toll bridges will be
piled sky-high; and last but never
least as the old saying goes, heh,
heh, a big shining portrait of
YOURS TRULY beaming out
from the center.
"That is all I will reveal at
this press release, but wait for
election time for more happy
happy news.
f/v.j*r     -., .k.;
No. 63
Ttie(3$#, March 22, I960
PREMIUM BANDIT, provincial Hrd-brain, can slyly accomplish any task-
simply by not using his head.
The; latest  government plans
for the development of Gagbaldi
Park include a multi-billion dollar   hotel,   a  heated   swimming
pool on the summit of Diamond
Head and an aerial tramway to
and from the Parliament Build-
i ings. The development is being
I urged "by  the  Nymphic Games
j Committee.
The hotel will take conservative designs with 5,000 rooms,
5,000 baths and one washroom
It will be called the Queen
Elizabeth Hotel.
The Premium Rooms, main
suite, will contain ten rooms,
ten baths and a high powered
telescope focused upon the nearest hydro electric plant.
The main lobby will be finished in Westwood, carpets will
be donated by Beaver Timber
Co. and the hotel will give free
accommodation to all relations
to MLAs.
An  automatic  slush machine
will be installed around the
hotel to dispersuade skiers from
the  slopes.
For an extra fee the skiers
may obtain anti-gravitation belts
to free them from the necessity of using the chairlifts, soma
lift and rope tows.
The airial tramway will run
on the hour every hour to aid*
in the development of the parks.
Aside from passenger service
the airway will handle all supplies and equipment for the project.
Because of the attention the
project is getting O&P Lines is
including the port ol Squamish
on its regular-'round the Pacific
From the hotel will leave
three chairlifts, leading to the
summits of the neighborhood
mountains, Bennett, Patulla and
There is one draw back to
the project said Melvin Fumbled
Fjior III, the cabineth chief janitor; "The province is liable td
go   into   debt   again."
5 A ie,w political party has been
fbrmjfd to contest the forthcom-
proyiricial electibns, accord-
^to a usually, reliable source.
It has been tentatively named
the, ''Surprise" party, and will
De led by a mysterious individual known as "Mr. K."
• f ^fpthiiig |s as yet Known about
"'■ :fBftflJS..?':eSc&i^'thaft he  comes
'ftontt.PQQeua",. a srrfall,  remote
flandvnorth-west of■' Vancouver
'■£■;"■.: ''''""'.
;, However, in an iriterview, official party spokesman Mr. Tom
Dollar promised that "Mr. K."
■fyould be visiting the lower
■mainland quite soon.
It is understood that  an  extensive welcoming program has
K I bejieve in Social Incredibility, the movemeiit almighty,
Builder of roads ahd bridges,
And. maker of policies forward
looking and enlightened.
t Ahd in our "glb'f'ious leader,
fhe movement's strongest supporter,, elected by the riding of
{foiitti Okanagan, choWn premier
4t the overthrow of the coalition,
premier of premiers, leader of
JeE$ei^; outstanding above all
. other cttizehsy a statesman not
a politician, being of one char-
|cter with goodness, who for
the' people of B.C. Accepted the
yremiersiiip, and led a minority
government, and wis harrassed
and was hindered and was defeated by a non-coirfidence motion,, the sixtieth day he returned
tb office in triumph, and returned to parliament, and he
shall ever be returned to assess
i      -.    -.
been drawn Up; this will include
a fly-past and a gigantic display
of fireworks.
A$ked about the party's
Chances in the expected election,
Mr, Dollar was extremely confident.
"We will bury them," he said.
'.'»'" V^JT', -V. I '
tlie hegds of. bur province, whose
Office shall nave no end.
And i believe in our most brilliant attorney general, the right
hand, aiid support Of our glor-
joiijs leader, wid was chosen specially ,jiy the premier for this
|rlat office, the hohour which
attends it, and the expediting of
|ustice, who with the movement
|nd the premier is sincere and
^|$out. f ?rjjlt,^ who acted decisively  in tne  Sorrimer's  case.
•; i^d I believe, in the cabinet's
ferfect ruifc'*.;^£ee the solution
«t airthe^p^oMems oi B.C. under
Socially Incredibility, and I look
for^fie"spread of the movement
across Canada.
UBC students are planning a
rebellion, an Endowment Affairs
reporter was  told today.
The students are planning a
march oh Victoria, a spokesman
(who must remain anonymous)
They are prepared to replace
the present oligarchy with the
blue-blazered one that now presides over the campus.
Edgar Bergen will head the
new oligarchy. His program will
be key-noted by a get-tough
policy designed to produce efficiency.
He plans to spend $7 million
on improving the university and
$3.69 on road building.
■ i
Second-in-command of the new
oligarchy will be one R. Prink,
who is, known for his tifiht-
lipped efficiency and his hatred
of the Okanagan.
J^iriister in charge,.of bond
burnings^ anji other n^r^ies will
be( Al. Cornwall, * Etis^ unique ex-
periifcnce with animals makes
him. the ideal man to replace
the  Socred  Cow.
Speaker of the house for the
ttew oli|f|rcl\y will, be Erk
Bickerv the, thin man from Fort,
lie is known, ior, his dislike of
Srgurhents and his, hatred of
dormitory food. His fjrst official
Set will be to move Fort Camp,
lock, stock and barrel into government house.
The most controversial man
in the,group is Ross Crazy, the
r»ew editor of Point Gi;ey Endow-
pient Affairs. Crazy , is known
to be a definite red Sympathizer.
It is rumored that he plans to
leave the red organization next
At. any rate, lysjjed. should go
^rell with Cornriairs blue and
dicker's white tslow starvation)
to make the new oligarchy a
very colorful group.
THE HONOURABLE MR. BONER seems to like Vddka, what does he think
of Communism?
Love Blossoms in
Sympathetic B.C.
Do you love our provincial
government? If you do then you
"will be glad td hear this; and on
the other hand if you do not,
then you will also be glad to
hear this.
The reason I ask this is because our government is proposing that they build a tunnel
from Vancouver to Victoria;
now do you love our government—well, no I'm, not going
to commit myself! We could
name this tunnel—The Tunnel
of Love. After all we should
love our government and therefore the name is fitting. For
those of you who do not Jove our
government I Will outline the
plans proposed by the honorable minister of Path Ways and
Culvert Makers Inc., for short,
P-.W.&C.M. Inc.
This gentleman, spoke to the
few Emelays present at the last
general meeting for all of 2
minutes. In his lengthy oration,
honest thats what they call it,
he outlined all the details. Anyone who can in the space of
2 minutes give a detailed explanation of all complex plans
for this erideavOr must be smart.
, The speech:—Editor's notes in
Ladies and gentlemen," 2nd
others, I propose that, we build
a tunnel from Vancouver to Victoria. It will start in.the basement of the "G". (Cloverleafs-
well we need to beautify bur
city). It wjll end at the motel
right beside the Parlyment
Shacks. (More cloverleafs, maybe to hide the ugly Shacks). The
Ntuhnel will cost about (he's not
committing himself here) &90
million (well we were dfebt
free for a while), and.will take
10 years to build. tallovying of
course for law suits arguing
Bill  43).
The honorable minister of
P.W.&C.M. Inc. went on to expound on the ^estf iiition, sorry
I mean construction .of the tuA-
nel. He said that all his frien4s
would be given a chance to work
in the making of this project.
Also they would be able to become trading stamp collectors
when the t-s^nel is completed.
I forgot to mention that the cost
of going through the tunnel will
be  10 trading stamps.
Follow the bull to Victoria.
You too can be a gold-digger
in the B.C. Bedlislature. All you
need is a small personal fortune-
to invest in our campaign fundsi.
We promise you" your initial investment will be paid back 10t>
fold after the next election, iri-
vest now and help give our province, away. .. ■, . ■ ,    •....< , „ m
Tuesday, March 22/
ffiyfmae TfljutiidM JjoJ^
It being a pleasant day, I to
the stable to procure a. large
holstein species of the bovine
and so upon her to begin my
tour of the institution. Remembering my funds forsaken, I did
retrace my steps slowly, for I
did fear of apprehension upon
the roadway without preparation, for I did notice upon many
an occasion that the blue coated
fiends that do prey upon the adventuresome vehicled spirits are
prone to bribery.
I then did proceed a long and
winding road upon which I did
perceive many several dozen
small foreign type cars creating
great confusion and obstructing
traffic and so up to the sidewalk and raced ahead upon my
Up and at last then to the institution itself which I did perceive was of many buildings of
no one shape colour or size, I did
proceed to my appointed observation of the councile meeting,
and. I did perceive many similarities, it being confused and lacking in discipline and couth, with
the institution over which the
special Premium did preside.
Page boys did vaccilate, being of
great disturbance, carrying their
wares of cigarettes, candy • and
vodka, generally did add to the
lin. Of this, I did hardly approve. The choice Of volumes
was of an absence of pertinent
material and great profusions of
MAD and TRUE LOVE literatures. I, shocked, to see Premium
Junior, brandishing wildly a
goblet of vodka whilst shrieking
"Meum Est" with great gusto.
This I did disprove, remembering the subtelty of Premium Senior in such matters.
On then to the library where
I did notice many carpenters and
gardeners with hammer and
sickle. I did shiver. Up then past
a musky lobby into a great banquet hall where the student body
did recline with much chattering. Upon this spectacle, custodians did appear in. short notice and did suddenly subdue
with long sticks and knuckle
nails the unruly assembly. Much
distressed I did sneak out the
back door through the unfinished columns ignoring the chagrin
of my guides and on to the
I did then have the pleasure
to visit a gathering place for food
and solace named the Brock; to
wit/this visit much troubled me.
Entering the North entrance, I
did make my way among many
small tables and chairs whereupon sat the student body and
did take an urn of tea and two
small buns from the service
counter, and so back to seek a
place upon Which to sit and put
my acquisitions, a task proving
Of some difficulty to contrive,
and so, till thirty minutes past
the hour I did stand apart and
dide see what I know discribe.
And so viewed many young
men, some bearded and some
clean-shaven, and in tweed or
corduroy or flannel jackets and
breeches, in cropped or waved
hair, but did notice all were of
a great propensity to discussion.
Which did raise a din in that
room. I did perceive a quantity
of maids who did bear the same
countenance of contemplation
and appreception which did appear on their betters, the aforesaid male students.
So I did cock one ear to hear
a portion of the knowledgeable
discourse which did pass and so
did hear of alchemy, of missiles
of philosophy and of law. Then
my heart did fill With cheer to
see that such intellectualism was
abundant and was happy to see
I could alleviate my poor wife
of her misapprehensions concerning institutions of higher learning.
Up then to leave, and did per-
cieve another exit by which I
entered the second portion of the
Brock. Here my eyes did meet
with a sight different than the
first room. Foor around tables
sat young men, all of one kind
of hair, of breeches, and of general bearing, and did notice that
these young men in groups did
wear each a pin to signify their
distinctiveness. So did the maids
divide themselves and acting,
talking, and looking as units at
the various tables, and were of
great notice to the young men
present, and I did percieve sporting many pins which did resemble those of the young men.
Here did flourish a great din,
and I did hear of anatomies, car-
ousings, orgies, and the banned
literatures of the day, and many
other expressions about which I
kriew nothing and.I-did perceive
that the speakers were of the
same mind.
I was merry at last to leave
the Brock and so did with great
consternation to, think of how
to recount to my dear wife this
episode. ■ ~:-'-' ;,-.-''•'.
, And so.to- the upper hall in
the Brock "building and there did
see a great horde of red jerkins
rushing upon- hie and I did ensconce my self behind a post to
avoid feeing:, tranrnledj; At these,
persons appro.^cHiJtig *| didy hear
the several,, clicks ...jqt; the locks
off thedborsf ^"'^4^fiig oilices
which bemg"Spprfoac'hed by t|ie
horde did Weak asunder and did
exhibit mahy young men attacked and being carried out, bodily,
past me. I did wonder at this and
so up and followed the red horde
and their victims and did witness
in a pretty wood guarded by a
great wooden god, a sacrifice to
the murky depths of a filth pond
of these several victims. I did
greatly wonder at such a thing
but soon did see the victims arise
dripping and unseemly in their
undergarments 'and secure revenge upon their accosters, and
so did proceed from the-wood
seeing full-Well that justice and
equality reigned supreme in this
And so home to my poor wife
and parish to recount my adventures of the day.
Today was pretty well like most other days, nothing
Some people think I never make any speeches, but that"
isn't true. Two weeks ago I talked for thirty minutes, all about,
how the government is right, and the opposition wrongs anfl
about how fine a man the Premium is, and how my constituents were well-treated by the government. '.'''.'-     r
Sinee then most of my time has been spent writing letters:
to, the good people of Point Green. Some .of them used to
be troublesome, but the mimeographing machine cured them;
Mr. Vodka writes the letter, and all I have to do is sign on
the bottom line.
Actually, things are getting a bit boring. Yesterday, I
slept through most of the evening session. The only thing
-I rerW-Sfnber islthe ,|^t;6rtiiyiri standing up and shouting at
Mrv.,Straicrien.. fie always '.calls him a  wild man.
Sfc^^.S^^icHen'-i^re^l^^a mean fellow. He always criti-
cizese..,what the.gob$ gover^hrhent does. Like when Premium
said that xiHje m§nf B^/Gren-Wenner was going to come
all the way doiwh I*ere |u§tto build us a fine monorail, Mr.
Stracnen cried mat Mr. Gfen-Wenner was doing it to make
money out of it. He's a real pessimist, he is.
Well that's all folks. -
The  Backbencher.
Who's the man in the knickerbockers,
Gracing  it  with   rotund—?
'Tis the premium livestock inspector of the amalgamated
parliment Motel Ass.'es.
Hark, I think he be from C'lowna
where .
The debt-eating Ogopogo doth
the  voters charm!
A hardware he doth kingly rule
Of hammers, sickles and cigars
he deals
To win the next provincial
Week in, week out, he infallibly
To  heartlessly soak  us
Till next baby-kissing season's
Riches be slyly begot, but how?
While Sundays he doth worship
the Socred cow;
Year-End Clearance Sale
Prices Slashed on a Few Items:
This Week Only
Closing Wednesday,   April  6
Open Daily (except on civil servant strike days and when|j
Mr. Bennett makes a hole-in-one)  in the Brock Extension'4
Owned and Operate^ by the A.M.S.
(Association for Mouth Strachan)
This  advertisement   is not  published or displayed   by the^
Liquor Control Board or by the Government of
British Columbia.
We do not accept responsibility for errors made by the
printers in quoting prices. f»AGE FOUR
Tuesday,-March 22, 19>(J0.
The Sports Department Feels That Insufficient Publicity Has
Been Given Recreation In The Province, So We Feature Today
An Exclusive Report On British Columbia's Favourite Pastime,
This Page Is Dedicated To Conventional Sinners
ANYONE for curve testing.'
Internationally infamous drag
racer   Flip   Gaglardi   was   the
guest of honour at  the   Radar
Wreckers annual banquet Sun-
„day. ■ .
* During the post-dinner question period, someone suggested
raising the Boulevard speed limit to 60, but all Phylin Phil
could do was say he was sorry
for the inconvenience. After dinner Phil was seen in Westbrook
"testing the curves." (see photo
Hehman J. Brpcktype, a handsome, muscular frequenter of
the Eastern campus, won the
Cordova Cup, emblematic of
broad jumping supremacy, Saturday.      . ,
Brocktype won easily, clearing
32 feet, 32 arms, and: 16 waists.
His nearest opponent was professor M.A. Crabtree, who was
too temperamental for the job—
90 percent temper and 10 per
cent mental.
First year student Melvin
-Fresh; ran away with first-place
honours in the annual breast-
stroke competition held Saturday.
;£»os   epajuioddBsia
Yes! This is it! The first complete, comprehensive report on
that famous B.C. activity—Boudoir Athletics. The name may
not be familiar, as it has been
prostituted to Chesterfield Rugby and such other plebian titles.
Now on ! ! !
The playing field should be
small, but should allow uninhibited activity. It is also psychologically advantageous to have
this field as soft and as comfortable as posible.
The size of the team may vary
but it has been found, by careful experimentation and observation that two is the ideal rium-
i ber. If a larger team is desired,
, it   is  advisable  that  it  be   increased by even-numbered  odd
factors. The object of the game
j is, naturally, to score. One score
' usually results in the end of the
In order to compete in this
type of contest, the participant
must be in good physical shape.
Otherwise the indulgee might
find himself in the embarrassing position of not being able
to complete the inaugural play.
This leads not only to embarrassment but also to frustration.
Running pass: this type of
play makes the completion of
the game very difficult, but if
carried out correctly, the participant may go on to more advanced plays with more confidence.
The Fake Reverse: This is the
play to watch for! The participant without adequate experience or lacking in the knowledge
of human nature, may be fooled
by this. The play takes place
when one of the participants decides to reverse her decision.
Don't be fooled! She dosn't mean
it. To back Out now would mean
the loss of the game, and worst
of all, a loss of prestige and honour.
The End Sweep: If the sportsman has successfully executed
the preceeding plays, he is then
ready for the final play—the
one directly preceding the score
and   ultimate  victory.
The object of this play is to.
sweep away the last raiment of
Precautions should be taken
to assure that injuries do not result. Such injuries have been
known; tR result in some very
\.:::-W^0e^-^ou are an «xperi-
^n«ie|;Jsptii?tsniah, or a freshman
in the field, you might find the
following motto very handy. It
has been adopted by many Boudoir Athletes—"safety first, last,
and always."
2:17 a.m.—just swallowed two
anti-sleep pills and went back to
work (sleep), too much work!
2:25'—telephone call from my
boss, she too was busy and
therefore asked me to cover the
Baby Doll Finals. Put on pyjamas, topcoat^ and rubber overcoat, grabbed my press card and
left (her) at 2:27. Hurried to No.
10 Park flace Mansion and
knocked., While waiting for my
entrance I added some inspiration to my already inspired self.
3:13, the door opened and I went
in—(general amusement) — this
was the first time the baby doll
finalists were being covered by
a strong (vigorous) male reporter (again general amusement).
4:01, after the cordialintroduc-
tions, I felt, of course, obliged to
make a speech. It was easy to express admiration for them because not many had the oomph
left after their active season to
partake in. the finals.
4'15, start to run into difficulties. Fearing a Royal Commission on the Prevention of Excessive Strain for Participating
Athletes, it was softly put to me
by the officials that I leave before the Double Knockout finals
began. My inspired spirits in me
revolted^and I asked to be excused (general rejoicing); 4:20,
returned with new life and determination to stick it out and
follow my assignment faithfully.
(After all, I'm not covering government expenditures.)
TJbe play official realized that
I meant to stay and promptly to
began to apply ye ole payola.
Because I was a bit of an athlete
myself they could not, of course,
corrupt me with wine, women
and more women. ("Gettaway I
wanna watch" ... "away, I
As you can guess the officials
were able to use only Psych 100
and sent a, spare semi-finalist
over to me "to explain the un->
written rules" as she put it. She
put it away and made me comfortable in one of the cozy, homelike corners. "I hope you'll give
us a decent scoop on this," she
said and her breath came in hot
pangs, clouding my glasses. I
took them off, but she still
clouded me.
"Love this athletic life," she
hushed, "it brings out so much
team spirit." "I don't mind it
neither," I brought forth hoars-
ly trying to maintain my cool
Ivy League disposition, while the
hair on my chest bristled. My
unusual moral strength ruined
her self-confidence (she was only
a semi-finalist).
12:30 p.m. (next day) . . . back
in the office writing copies again.
I picked up the Baby Doll public
relations man's press release and
read: "Finals played yesterday
on rough field. Both teams struggled. Believed to be a tie but
actual scores not available for
I knew it would again be a
mediocre column.
Editor: I. M. WOLF
When one looks from
Bottom to top
One's mind may do
A quick flip flop
What is
The pitch
This sure
Is a Switch
This picture is
Just too obscene.
I thought that
this paper was clean
Some will hesitate
Then give the negation
But look over there
It's only your
Underfed imagination
Marten promised
mixed wards.
Published by the Alma Mater Society of U.B.C.
bmbwo '-V.dsa aaiJJQ.isodM rreui ssEro puooasserraztroirtrttf


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