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The Ubyssey Mar 29, 1957

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 I       ' i     f. <   a_ ■     i      |     *      *
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"■■■-rniriUfcinwiiiiirtHiltf'i'' m,f,"1""n
UBYSSEY
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V«l«     Al.
VANCOUVER, B.C., FRIDAY, MARCH 29, 1957
MAGAZINE
No. 62
■  i
,   .,      *       'V-    \
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YOUNG CANADIAN MOTHER
(See Fage 8) PAGE TWO
WEAKENED
Friday, March 29, 1937
FILTH AMD VICE
TYPIFYING THE' FILTH and corruption that
has twisted the once-sedate town of Metsqui
into the sin-centre of the Pacific Coast, is this
quarter of voluptuous chorus girls strutting their
wares with careless abandon at one of Met-
squi's many sex-pits.
I loured Metsqui s Red - light District
From staff writer Fenwick Mazaar, who accompanied
Filth Editor Shovell Conant (I toured the Matsqui Red Light
District, page 2), we expect to have a number of articles describing what he saw in Matsqui. That is, if he saw anything.
Fenwick is a fine reporter, but he is hampered in writing
"What I Saw In ... " article by his total blindness.
"Wow," I said to myself. And was there any other way
to describe it? So I say to you parents, keep your Cubs and
Brownies away from Metsqui, let them do their fire-lighting tests somewhere else—this town is the Tijuana of B.C.
Put let me tell you the story as it revealed its scaly self
to me.
Mavis and I had packed a box lunch last Monday to take
to a United Church Lenten Rally in Squamish. After the
Cobalt had closed down for the 6:30 to 7:30 break we hopped
in my Dusenberg and took off.
When she was down to her three-way corset and me to
my boxer (heavyweight) shorts I knew we should leave
for Squamish.
The Upper Levels Highway wa.s pretty muddy past
Horseshoe Bay so I turned off at Metsqui. This was the rough
part of the road; 1 could tell because the water in the puddles
poured in through the windows.
Was there a Lenten Rally in Metsqui, I said to myself.
You know, some people say that I talk to myself too much
and they wonder if the armadillo in Stanley Park that tried
to assault my mother during her pregnancy really ....
but that's another story.
Thwack1
''For God's sake leave that corset alone, Mavis, and keep
your eyes peeled  for a Lenten Rally."
But then, oh, horrible, horrible, we came into the black
heart of Metsqui. Mavis shouted  out:
"Look at    the Christmas tree lights."
"Mavis," I explained, "Christmas tree lights come in
other colours besides red. Them's fire alarm signals."
I pull to the side of the road, stepped out and was feeding a quarter into a parking meter when a voice said:
"Now, pull the arm down and if you get three lemons
you've hit the jackpot."
Yes, the hitching post had given away to the parking
meter which had given way to the slot machine. Did Premier Bennett call this progress? I turned away in disgust.
"Thwack."
"For GocTs sake, Mavis, can't you ..."
"It's me, honey, not Mavis ..."
A cuddly arm slid round my waist giving me a funny
sensation that reminded me of my old choirmaster.
"Could you direct me to the nearest Lenten Rally," I
stammered nervously.
"Maybe, maybe, but let's go up to my place and discuss
it," she murmured.
Then something inside me snapped. Suddenly I got
mad, awful mad.
"Mavis, stay out of that lunch box, you greedy girl."
Thwack!
Let me tell you, I tried to get out of that place, cross
my collection envelope and hope to die. But before I could
I was approached by a bootlegger, a bookmaker, a clope-ped-
dler and a foreign-looking gentleman selling Suez Canal
tokens.
"Come on Mavis, let's get out of here," I said, tearing
myself away from a crap game.
Then suddenly I couldn't  find Mavis.
"Psst, buddy, you want pictures nice girl?"
"For God's sake, Mavis, put those postcards down and
get in the car."
Thwack*
We climbed in the Dusenberg. I stopped on the starter:
Frump, frump. The engne was dead. Then I noticed the gas
guage. Empty. My tank had been siphoned.
Damn Cardinal Spellman all to hell, that was a low
immoral thing to do to a man. The base, degraded, indecent,
criminal depths to which the human race will sink. Makes
you want to sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" as you stomp
down the street to the next gas station clutching your credit
card. Friday, March 29, 1997
WEAKENED
PAGE THREE
WAVING TO THE CHEERING MULTITUDES WHO GATHERED AT EMPIRE
POOL THURSDAY TO HAIL RESULTS
OF ATHLETIC REFERENDUM IS LIS.
SOME DEANNA MAUDLIN, 22. MUSCULAR STUDENTS VOTED 1576 to597
IN FAVOR OF THE ONE DOLLAR FEE
INCREASE.
BITTER AND MALADJUSTED, SVELTE
DONNA JABUR LEADS ANTI PUBLICATIONS FACTION. SHE RAILROADED
ANTI-PUB VOTE 1115 TO 1033 SKEWERING ANY CHANCES OF PROGRESS.
USING HER BODY TO BUDGET HER
BALANCE, WELL-CLEAVAGED ELAINE
THACKRAY LURES TREASURES INTO
SEDUCTIONS ... FOR A PRICE—SEX,
SEX, SEX. ELAINE KEEPS METSQUI
MEN IN CONSTANT QUIVERS.
WANTED
Your old double breasted luit
... to be made into a smart
new single breasted model
with the new trim notch lapel.
UNITED TAILORS
549 Granville PA. 4649
Tuxedo Rentals
WHITE COATS — TAILS
MORNING COATS
DIRECTORS COATS
SHIRTS* •   ACCESSORIES
EA    I EC   MAr. 2457
. A.  LCE623 Howe Si.
Custom   Tailored   suits
for Ladies and  Gentlemen
Gowns and Hoods
Double breasted suitf
modernized   in   ihr*  new
single  breasted  stylies
Matz and Wozny
SPECIAL STUDENT RATES
548 Howe St. TA. 4715
39 YEARS OF SERVICE
TO THE  UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA,
ITS FRATERNITIES
AND SORORITIES.
THERE'S A REASON
PRINTING CO. LTD.
.TEifrPHONe   PAci*ic 0171
1035 Seymour St.
To Close Year
With a Bang'
An all-star cast of Vancouver's leading entertainers will
be featured today at noon in
Brock Lounge, as the University Radio Society closes its operating year with a ''bang."
Kenny Hamilton, well-known
Canadian-born Calypso singer,
TV and radio singing personality
Eleanor Collins, and the Rhythm
Pals of CKWX are included in
the cast.
The largest assemblage of disc*
jockeys in Vancouver's entertainment history, each one with
a bngfull of surprises and "gimmicks," also will be on hand.
These are Ron Robinson and Bob
McGavin of CKWX. Bob Hutton
and Jack Kyle of CKNW, Bob
Gillies and Al Jor.son of CKLG,
CFUN's Jack Cullcn and CJOR's
Red Robinson.
Bob Jeffcott, who played host
to several of the above mentioned DJ's, will be Master of Ceremonies. The two-hour program
will be broadcast over Radsoc's
campus network.
Admission to the event will be
j i'ree of charge.
POLIO VACCINE (Salk)
FREE TO All STUDENTS
Clinics- u 111 he held in tho
V.'a^mrnok  Ruildiiii-':
F'i.st Do:-,- Thursday, Anril
4. 1 I.-) -i p.m.; I-': i-.'iay, April .1,
I 'ii 4 p.m.
Second i)'\;c: TTu. April 17,
1 to 4 p.in ; Tim-. , April ia,
1  "> ■■'<■ p.m.
Third  I>m- m  7 months.
.\;hi ini'-I >■■.,< a a; al this \ sari m is ;■'. mm ha!. m . Ti' i.ai-1 i'lvn
rcaci um.-.
A. K. Ymina;. M !)., TVuve'. .;•
tTnvcrsitv   Heahh  Smmirm PAGE POUR
«■       ■ i "■
Weakened
Friday, March 2», 1957     '
. ■   i i .        a.   i f i > rniM
HAVE YOU THE RIGHT SEX?
OUR WEAKENED SEXUAL EXPERT TAKES US THROUGH A GLORIOUS RIDE IN THE NETHER LAND
I was sitting in my office 6M day last week playing "hormone-hormone — who's got-some-hormones"
with my secretary, when Fillipand Finicular, chap who
owned the concession downstairs, burst in.
"Org," he said "Damndest thing Just happened."
"Just a minute Filli," I said, kicking the secretary
neatly in the thorax. "We'll get the office to ourselves."
I poured him a glass of Lotireg (Geritol for tired
hormones spelled backward) and we squatted across
desk from each other.
"Org, I was selling my last copy of Tweedsmuir
Park revisited by John Thymen, when Marilyn Pack-
akrat walked into the men's John ... so help me.
Why it was only Monday Marilyn and I were thinking
about getting mutually deflowered."
I let a sly smile cross my face. It went from left
to right, hardly scaring my lips at all. For I knew —
I knew what had happened to Marilyn Packakrat. —
SHE HAD BECOME MY PATIENT.
But before we go any further I'd better explain
what my job is. I'm a sex healer. Yes, I cure you
from the ailments of sex. Laugh, you young wastrell,
68% of all people are sexually maladjusted; not just
gueer, but downright maladjusted. Fruity. Off their
pubic rocker.
And there's a simple solution.   Gasm's Sexual Re-
Orientation Program. On the overleaf you will find
10 questions. Score five for a "yes," three for a "no"
and 16 for "uncertain." If your rating is past the
critical point it's time for re-orientation. Our sixty-
nine branch offices from coast to coast are alerted for
"the over-critical type," the kind who isn't quite sure
whether he should go into the men's or women's room
at a party. The kind who feels that society's stigmata
is in need of drastic re-evaluation.
But let's go back a bit. You may well wonder
how I got into such a field, how a ndrmal-looking type
like myself ever got into the sexual readjusting field?
As a little boy (or was it a little girt) I played with the
school children on my block. The usual games —
pilloring the postman, knocking the rock, ring around
the beer parlour — occupied most of my time until
one day I noticed that all my friends hadn't spoken to
me for eleven months.
I went home to mother — dear o\& mother —and
toJd her my Woes. "Mother," I said, "Told her my
woes."
"I know son," she said, chucking me under the
neck, "you'll have to make the choice now. Too long
have you been slugga-bedding. You will have to face
the world of sex.   Which one do you want to be?"
I went screaming from the room. She shouldn't
have told me. More than one sex? What could I do?
I didn't want to face any decision, how could she
poison my mind with the thought of two sexes, or were
there even more?
I stayed awake all that night, wondering, reading
and re-reading Babar for some trace of sex differences.
Nothing came., Nothing would ever come. Toward
six I began to see light. Thank Christ morning was
coming.
Daddy came In to kiss me goodbye before leaving
for work, "Hi Seminole," he said. He always called
me Seminole.   "Kiss Daddy before he goes to work?"
"Daddy," I said, deftly dodging his playful chaffing, "what did mother mean yesterday when she said
I had to choose between sexes?"
"Semen" he said, (Semen was short for Seminole)
which was what he always called me, "I'm sorry
Mother came through last night. I had hoped we
could hold this for a better moment. Let me explaie
it this way. There is a basic difference between, say
you and boys and girls. You have been lucky enouge
to be allowed a choice between being a boy or a girl.
What'll it be?"
I was crushed. What could I say? Here I was at
21, not knowing which way to go. Oh, cruel world.
Oh, destitute me. In my gay irresponsible days I had
flirted with knought but all.
Luckily help came quickly. Within two days X
had the answer. The answer cost only two dollars.
I was saved. Now I can save you. Answer the questions, send me your score with two dollars cash and
we'll choose for you the sex you need.
ACT WITHOUT DELAY!
Apply for your Passport
to Better Living at
your nearest Branch of the
Bank of Montreal
Your  Campus Branch   in  the
Administration   Building
The difference between
Second Best...
... and Best is often the balance
in your Savings Account
MERLE C. KIRBY
Manager
S&.S&
Let me help plan your
Future Security
DON BROWN
Mutual Life of Canada
475 Howe St.
MU 3-6905 AL 4065-R i     Friday, March 29, 1057
WEAKENED
PAGE FIVE
I  .  y Z j*     x       i
Question   Air
Answer Yes, No or Indifferent or Whix.
1. Make up a question and answer it.
Yes No Whix	
2. Do you think it should be eight?
Whix No Yes Indif	
3 Seven per cent of all girls
Whix	
are virgins.
4. I am happy with nought but you.
No Why	
5This is a two-part question.
(a)Yes No	
(b)Yes ...No	
6. Can Sandy Ross????
Har-de-har-har	
7. Engineers are emasculatable
Who'll volunteer	
8. Do you feel strange going into the la-
die's John
Men—Yes  No	
9. Should Dean Mawdsley and Dean
Gage?
Whix	
10. Do oysters down in Oyster Bay do it?
How can you tell...	
Scoring   For  Amateurs
How to Score Your Answers.
If you get 85 or over its time for a change.
If you have 69 watch out for the law.
If you have 23 pick part A.
If you didn't write the test to hell with you.
Sell AMANA Plan For
Better Living
Students interested in summer employment in direct
selling at attractive commission rates are urged to contact Amana Food Freezer Dept.
HUDSON'S BAY COMPANY
Vancouver Store.
Under New Management
VARSITY GRILL
Specializing in
CHINESE  FOOD
FREE DELIVERY AFTER 4 P.M.
4381 West 10th
AL. 3337
(Next to Varsity Theatr»>
UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE
Hours: 0 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Saturday: 9 a.m. to Noon
Loose-leaf Note Books, Exercise Books and Scribblers,
Graphic Engineering Paper, Biology Paper, Loose-leaf
Refills, Fountain Pens and Ink and Drawing Instruments
Owned and Operated by
The University of B.C PAGE SIX
WEAKENED
Friday, March 29. 19S7
.*****%■#
"DUCKS TO YOU," cries gay changeling Jim
McFarlane product of intensive hormonization.
McFarlane is resting in Vancouver in preparation for a summer journey to the USSR where
he will be the star attraction at a Moscow convention of the Soviet Academy of Science.
Russian doctors will study McFarlane's mental
outlook in an effort to discover reasons that
would cause a normal right-thinking marxist
to convert himself into a socially useless sun-
bather.
Hormones  Keep You Young
There's a new look on University campuses across Canada today. And co-eds have a worried
look in their eye.
The reason: hormones!
Canadian scientists have captured nature's life-giving secretions, bottled and labelled them,
aind marketed them to thousands
; ol senile, crotchety old men in
all walks of life across Canada.
And no group has taken up the
' happy hormone" cry with more
' 7t*s\ and enthusiasm than the
Nation''; senile, crotchety University professors.
Monkey-Men
Dr. Lewis Pasture, head of the
i booming,   $3,00().000-a-year  hor-
unne  factory   in  Oshawa.  Ontario, feels lie's a man with a mission. (
"Before hormones, a man was
i worn out at sixty-five.    Hi*; face
wrinkled,   his   glands   diied   up,
his   kidney   withered     and     his
spleen snlit," Dr. Pasture said in
an interview recently.
SPLASHING IN THE SUN al. U11C':; Empire Pool is n .ted
parliamentarian Howard Green, who whiled away time
ciurin" dreary common's debates by dos'im himself with
-'KJimunes. Yuu -see the result. Now it's up to the voters
to judye.
Ashcan
"A man was ready for the ash-
heap at retirement age — with
the best years oi his life before
him." And as far as women
were concerned, they had to
stick to their knitting," he said.
nudging this reporter in the ribs.
"But all that is changed," he
said, waving an expansive arm
towards ihe large corrugated
building where thousands ol
maddened    monkeys   scratched.
yipped and gibbered. "There
it is." he said, beaming. "The
life force. Out of the mor.kev
and direct to you."
"And," he added, his eyes
twinkling mischievously." that's
when you start making a monkey
ji  \ ourself."
Monkey-profs        j
And  Canadian  professors  eer-|
tainlv   are   making   monkeys   ch
themselves,   as   a   spot   check   of
campuses   from   Coi nerhrook   io
Port Alberni by this reporter re-1
vealed. ' !
At Acadia University in Wolf-
\ ille, Nova Scotia, last October.
for instance, local residents were
1 astonished to read that 72-year-
| old  Dean    of    Classical Studies
Maxmilian Fossil had crouched
'waiting in the College's historic
bell-tower,  and  with  glad  cries
aouneed   upon   the   09<year-old
Dean of Women as she passed.
In less than thirty seconds he
had gathered her up and scampered off into the bushes.
Horror
Horrified students gave hot
pursuit, but Dean Fossil's newfound agility was too much for
them. As students watched
dumbfounded, he leapt to an
overhanging bough, and with an
aerie cry of "Eeeeoeooeaaghh!"
ho was gone into the nit,ht.
"Eeeaaghhh!"
RCMP offi-ers finally di-eov-
*rcd the oair living in a s.mrcly
;ak two miles south of Sack-
fillo. N B. "More hormmma."
he shrieked at his captors. "£<:v-
eeaaaghh.hhh.li! More hormones."
Events at the I'nivcsi'y of
Montreal proved no less bizarre
when hormor.es went on sale in
that historic City. Professors
took to the new drug like ducks
to drakes. Hut even blase
Frenchmen wagged their heads
when an 83-year-old Professor
of constitutional law trivet to
claim  47  young   women  whose Friday, March 29, 1057
WEAKENED
PAGE SEVEN
SENILE, crotchety old Phys Ed Professor
whose extra-curricular activities have increased since he started indulging in bot
tled hormones is shown at Empire Pool with
voluptuous coed.
ages ranged from 19 to 23, as dependents on his 1956 Income Tax
return.
All 47
When curious Revenue Officers checked, they found the
claim was correct. The electrifying answer to the riddle: —
hormones! ,
At the beautiful University ofj
B. C. campus in Vancouver,!
"happy pills" as they rapidly be-}
came known, scored an immedi-;
ate success with doddering fac-!
nlty members. Spring comes
early out in B. C; arid gaunt1
, grizzled professors, alter a Win-!
tei- r.ic t of hormones, are kicking i
up irvir heel- like young colts.
C< '-ds arc indignant as khu'ly.
whiu-thatched professors pursue
then across UBC's lOOO-acre!
campus, i:i frantic alTempU to
pinch their nubile bottoms. "I
don't tare it they arc professors,"
said (o-t'd Lynda Gates. "I hate
'■*      those  honey  lingers."
Sore   Bottoms
But all is not behinds and
bon.y fingers at tho University
of B. C. During their Winter's
feed, many professors overin-
rlulmd in the lite-j>iving monkey
mulch. — and weird mutation's
resulted. Unaware of the forces
tliey were unleashing in their
. tired hodies, many professors'
wen norrified to discover, upon:
awakening one morning, that the
life-giving drug had acted only
t<5o well — from the neck down!
A special WEAKENED reporter-photographer team dispatched to the UBC campus returned with the bizarre photographs seen at left. They bear
conclusive proof that hormones
Can curse as well as cure.
Shock
All over the UBC campus old,
wizened   heads   on   young,lithe
bodies shock  the populace.  But
even  more  horrifying are craggy,     pipe-smoking     professor's
sporting 42-inch busts and nubile
buttocks  !  ' Imagine the horror
ot  craggy grammar-loving Classicist Makmlm MacGregor, upon;
discovering   that     tiie     lissome!
form that he was admiring from'
his   upstairs   office   window  belonged  to one of his colleagues,
a   noted   Horace   scholar!
Dean   Scampers
Imagine staid Dean of Women
T'-.srothy Maudlin being invited
o.i a date by virile football hero
Ran Ross! Imagine her turning
him down in favor of a scamper
through the woods with rejuvenated novelist Earle Birney!   I
One Vancouver case has set ,
tongues wagging all over the!
city and caused grave concern J
among  responsible  political ob
servers. Because of ,the figures
involved, the "monkey gland
caper" as RCMP investigators refer to it, is sheer political dynamite.
No . Names
No names can be mentioned
but there is a well-founded rumour going round that a local
politician has returned from Ottawa, "a different man" ... if
he is a man at all.
All this must give cause to
think. Every responsible Canadian must ask himself, "Do
we want wizened old men swinging from boughs and lurking
in pine trees?" "Will the streets
of our cities be safe for women
it this practice is continued?"
Will tho innocence of our youth
be undermined by the example
of these 'unprincipled old monkey-men?"
Boon  or  Curse?
Ten generations of Canadians
have sent their aged and infirm
to Old-Folks homes or the Senate. Now hormones are filling
the streets of Canada with senile
delinquents.
Hormones: Boon or curse?
Canadians must  decide.
THE U.B.C. MUSICAL SOCIETY
Wishes to thank the . ..
RADIO SOCIETY —MAMOOKS
MR. NORMAN YOUNG, and THE UBYSSEY
For their cooperation in making this such a
Successful Year.
Campus Cooperative Residence Inc.
Provides
EXCELLENT SUMMER ACCOMMODATION
in tho immediate University of Toronto vicinity at
RL'ASCNABLK   ILYIE3
Apply:
24 YVil!ocks St., Toronto 5. Ontario
or phone WA. 1-2520
AMERICAS MOST
BEAUTIFUL      -
SPORTS SHIRT
NOW ON DISPLAY AT . . .
RICHARDS & FARISH
LIMTED
MEN'S WEAR
802 GRANVILLE STREET
See our amazing selection of Ivy League
Campus Coals, Sports Coats, Ivy Slacks,
Belts and Ties, plus new 3 Button Vests.
'Such MIGHTY Power
encompassed
in so small
a frame"
Hy comparison with the
vriaium tutio the transistor is
smaller, uses less aurrcn*, yem
cr.ues 11 trie licit and luis consider.ilily lom:er lit.-. It is
proving ;m inv ,ilu:»ble instrument for tiio ili-siytiers ot
cltx'trkul equipment.
The manufacturing of
transistors and their use
in new equipment
is but one of a number
of challenging projects
currently being undertaken
by the Northern Electric
Company.
The solving of Canada's
communication problems
will give full scope
to the enquiring minds
and inventive genius
of young engineers.
There are interesting careers—and a continual
need for I'niversity Graduates—at the Northern
Electric Company Limited. A letter or postcard
to the College Relations Department, Box 6124,
Montreal, Que., will bring full injormation
concerning these opportunities.
Horthem Electric
SERVES   YOU   BEST
««S7-« PAGE EIGI^T
WEAKENED
Friday, March 29, 1057
s
EATON'S
A  Good Suit Takes   You Smartly
From Graduation to First Job
YOU know you will have what it takes
to make a success of your life—but will
YOUR future emplyer feel the same
way at your first job interview? Make
at his office at the appointed time in a
sure of his approval. Present yourself
Made-to-Measure suit from EATON'S.
Men's and Young Men's Styles for
Executives-in-the-Making
$69.SO to $189.5©
Allow from 2 to 4 weeks for delivery.
Yes, EATON BUDGET PLAN TERMS
are available on Made-to-Measure
Clothes.
EATON'S Made-to-Measure Shop—Main Floor—Telephone MA 7112
Also at EATON'S NEW WESTMINSTER, LA. 2-2741
thu Weakened...
WNEXT
WEAKENED'S cover this week shows a young Canadian
mother, pert and pretty Pat Russell Marchak, who has just
reached the top of the journalistic ladder.
Proving that a career can be combined with marriage,
Pat was elected lase week Editor-in-Chief of The Ubyssey.
Pat was married just three months ago, and has two little
kiddies, Kenny, 4, and David, 2, prove that she is doing well
in her marriage.
The article on page 6 "Hormones Keep You Young!"
is the last Rod Smith and Sandy Ross feature WEAKENED
will be bringing to its readers.
Rod and Sandy, writers of "My Dog Has Fleas" fame,
will be leaving us this spring, and WEAKENED editors know
that their readers join them in wishing Rod and Sandy
good luck in the future. Good Luck, Rod! Good Luck Sandy!
Our readers have probably missed that delightful little
lad Nipper this weekend. You may wonder why he is no
longer with us. Well, as most of you know, Nipper's adventures are reported to us each week by his Daddy, Dug Right.
Now you who read Nipper regularly know that this little
rascal is always doing things to annoy his parents. Well, in
latest prank really annoyed his Mommy; he set his Daddy's
hair on fire, and as the smoke and flames grew higher, he
danced around the funeral pyre. Well, until Nipper himself
learns to draw, we will have no more funny cartoons from
the Right family.
SPRING FESTIVAL AT FINNS
24 BOTTLES of COCA COLA FREE!
WITH THE PURCHASE OF A
MAN'S   SPORT   SHIRT
AT
2429 Main St.
At Broadway
FINNS
3031  W. Broadway
1V2 Blocks West oi'MacDonald
"Where Your Credit Is Good"
With  No Interest or Carrying  Charges
JOIN   THE   CROWD   AT   FINN'S
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the Latest in Fashions and Refreshing Coke!
FREE COKES
(vco-^m
Maximum purchase—?, sport shirts per person. Friday, March 29, 1957
WEAKENED
PA6KK1NE
By SIR MICHAEL BARUCE, Bast.
I ran into a veteran of the Boud Woir, Degenerate Smut
of 177th Hustlers (Queen's Own) at Cordova and Main the
other day, and we discussed, over a few beers, the Rusty Old
Charge of the Licentious Brigade. The names of men, some
almost forgotten today, were remembered, such as Dundonald,
Lord Bitchener, Sir Winsome Terdhil, and Marilyn Monroe;
and the songs they sang, "Goodbye Dolly Grey," "The Absent-
Minded Beggar," Roll Me Over In The Clover," "The North
Atlantic Squadron" (152 verses, 1953 census), and Beethoven's
"Suite on a G String" on six flats and a basement.
As I listened to thc talk of this old veteran, the walls
faded away, and in front of me stretched the limitless veldt,
brown and dusty, broken only by the distant kopjes against
a steel blue sky. And I remember what Ruddyold Kipling had
written after thousands of lives had been made by frontal attacks on those kopjes:
"Only two African girlies, attacked the same as before,
Although they've had it so often, they're going to get
it some more,
They've had it so much from the troopers, they've had it
so much in the past,
But were only a dozen reproducers, and we're going to
get them at last."
We drank to that gallant regiment, the Queen's Own
Hustlers, We drank to those 'Holy Boys' who for one hundred
years got into innumerable night actions. We drank to Polly
Adler, to Mamie Stover, and all those others who make a soldier's life worth living. We drank to the Boud Woir and to
Lord Bitchener.
A few minutes later, we looked at two long, empty glases;
glasses that reminded us faintly of the draught beer of John's
Own Lincolnshire. And because we were two old soldiers we
talked about Aldershot, Goof Ball Annie's, and Pretoria where
brawn was more evident than brain.
"Where are the campfollowers of the Old Brigade?" How
often have I heard that song sung. On Saturday night I saw it
illustrated. I had the honour of attending their 38th annual
reunion. The campfollowers were a distinctly unique mob, and
I think in this case mob is the word. They came from Petewawa,
from Camp Borden, there was a Cordova Street detatchment,
and last, but not least, the girls from Filliponi's. The Followers
(16th) had a proud record; they fought three bitter wars, with
numerous nocturnal engagements fought in close quarters.
They were mentioned in countless medical dispatches, and they
originated the battle cry, "We won't go in without penicillin."
I had a letter from one of Canada's real old veterans; H.
M. Dobbin (Royal Canadian Horse) DSC, SOB with bars,
NKVD, SOS, and UBC; who had fought in the Boud Woir.
He tells me about an amusing story of the rivalry between
regiments, and he refers to that between the Queen's Own
Hustlers (177th) and the 16th Foot Campfollowers. If their regiments lay near each other, one could be sure there would be
a case.
Mr. Dobbin says that one day when two of the Hustlers
were returning from an engagement with the 16th, one of them
began to feel a peculiar itch. He scratched it. His friend said,
"What's the trouble, Mike?" Mike replied, "God, I hope that's
a mosquito!" |
The 16th have since passed out of the official army list,!
but the Hustlers are still in business. Many veterans of the ;
16th can now be seen at Cordova and Main. Old soldiers never J
die, they just pass out. |
Is  there  a  music  hall  in  the  world   that  doesn't  make ■
Baruce the butt of cheap jokes? Every second rate election has
a dumb politician and a brilliant amateur, and far too many
nurses and mothers frighten small children by saying: "If you
do that again, I'll call Baruce. He kicks dogs, you know!"
And Ruddyold Kipling once said:
"And making mock of Sir Baruce
Just because he's clean,
May be cheaper than buying soap,
But it only shows you're smart!"
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X
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INC0.«»»©RATKD 2*°   MAY   1670.
aitfi
^to^>.ui^fe^.,wi«a&t.MVMff.-fcvv,v.V PAGE TEN
WEAKENED
Friday, March 29, 1967
FIFTH IN A SERIES BY IBMer KEN COOPER
becoming an
IBM
V    C. K. COOPIR
L$oUi Rtprtstntallv*
sales representative
There are many factors to consider when choosing a career, none of which are
more important than the history and background of the company you are thinking
of joining. Our company, International Business Machines, is a modern growth
company whose products are the result of extensive research. This growth has
been steady, rapid and sound, with the result that IBM sales representatives are
among the most highly paid men in a highly paid industry.
To qualify for an interesting IBM sales career and to be instrumental in the
transition from manual to electronic data processing in business, you must above
all possess the desire to succeed. As necessary as this is, you also need a degree in
Commerce, Mathematics, Business Administration.or Engineering to provide
the background knowledge on which to build your business know-how.
A Place for Graduates at IBM
By this time the majority of seniors have chosen their career and are
naturally most concerned with final exams. I hope you have chosen
well and that those of you who have followed this series have found it
informative. If it has achieved its purpose with all university students,
it has pointed out that Canadian business is on the threshold of a new
era and that there is a place in IBM for graduates who want to become
part of this "electronics revolution."
Our booklet "Look Ahead" should interest all students.
Wrile for a complimentary copy.
INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS MACHINES COMPANY LIMITED
Head Office and Factory: Don Mills Road, Toronto 6, Ontario
IBM Doubles its Business every Four Years because if is the Recognized Leader in the Field
AS TELEPHONE OPERAW
• You can begin in April.
• No previous experience needed.
• Pay is good.
• Time off—8 days every 4 weeks and 4 of
these are consecutive.
Telephone Operating is the ideal summer job for university girls.
The time-off arrangements are especially attractive, giving you
the opportunity for trips to nearby resorts, shopping excursions,
or whatever you like to do most.
Most of the operators arc needed in Vancouver but there will
likely be openings elsewhere.
For more information, and to apply, come in to our Employment
Office, 768 Seymour Street, at Robson.
BRITISH   COLUMBIA
T K I K PII O V E   C O M PA V Y
''A Good Place to W
Ol'K
EXERCISE is necessary for the fine figure. This particular
form of calisthenics is especially necessary for the i^no
figure as the model indicates. It i.s also a fine reminder that
all girls should keep their underarms i'resh and clean,
as the model indicates.
rettier
REENING
By PETTIE PRESTOE-LOGE
Women the world over are trying to look different, to
assume some new, fashionable identity, usually with a conscious effort to appear normal, and at the same time attractive.
From the letters we have received, and the problems
therein contained, we're shocked to find that most women
are attempting to hide their very greatest assets.
Why, only yesterday we received a woeful tale from a
woman bewailing a delightful seven-inch nose, which ''I always get caught in keyholes." Imagine bemoaning it!
A NOSE IS A NOSE
Noses, made famous by Gogol's fantas "The No-;e,"
need not be regarded as ugly protrubrances. This woman
is five inches ahead of the glamour game. Noses are attain
coming into the limelight, if not shading it out of existence.
We see this year they're being worn in the most fashionable
places: high, centre, low, to one side, to the other side, and
to tho ground. (This last is effective when students wish to
impress angry professors with their humility).
Jaunty nose flags are also excellent for expatriots, bearers of heraldic arms, and anyone prune to the snifffes. Nose
bouquets are  good, too.
GROTESQUE STRESSED
This is just one uf tho many idilie- thai are quickly turned into commoditimm if women just  use a litile imae;inat"S\.
Wails? Gild thorn. Wrinkles'.' Don't hide them, co! anthem. Upper-lin moustache--? Twirl ihem into neat point- and
tip ihem off with sequins, or any other eye-catchers. Hairv
los;.m Don't you dor.- to --haae them. Dye them and v..-at-
them as knee -ocks. p.uck Ttuth? Monog.am them. The.'''re
yours, you know.
As you 've, ladies, lookum; your hm-i  is • imply m'ec-oteat -
in<; YOU. Don't  e,ild  tho  lily, ju-t  the won. The day- of  imitation have passed away, and  it  m now not only proier.o.iu,
but essential to be Daringly Different!
.  . . Need we sav more? Friday. March 29, 1»57
WEAKENED
PAOE ELEVEN
<JH>9,rH CM tells about THE HACK
L7*
Bar
I DIDN'T know the fellow at all.
"Grog," he said. "Grog Clerk!"
I stood in the middle of the sidewalk and looked at-him.
About sixty, tweed suit, shaggy hat, pipe. A writer of some sort,
I thought. But I didn't know him.
"Who," I asked blankly, "are you?"
"Well," he said "Old Grog." Then he grew suddenly animated. "Say Grog, come over to the Badminton Tournament
and watch some Birds." He started to lead me along Bay Street
and I followed.
"You," I said, "watch Birds?" He seemed like a reasonable
sort of fellow, but as he hurried me along through the crowds,
I felt that I had known him, somet where, but did not like him
for some incident I couldn't remember.
Just then we turned into thc gymnasium, and for an hour
or so I had no time to explore his identity.
It wa.s a fine watch, I charted several new Birds for my
life book: The Cross-Struck Crowd Splitter, The Ruffled Discard, and a brace of Loft Dwellers. My mysterious companion
charted the same one. He seemed to be quite an avid watcher.
I know most of the local fellows, but I still couldn't place him.
"Let's," he said as we left the gym satisfied, "go down to
Andy's."
"You go to Andy's too?" He had me going now. I just
couldn't place him.
"Sure," he said. "I like to go down to Andy's on these
blustery days to sit around the big stove and kill a few freshly
landed trout. Keeping in shape so I'll be ready when the season
opens."
I was dumbfounded. "That's what I like to do, too," I
stammered.
"I know," he said with a smile. "I see you there all the
time."
"You do," I said dully. He really had me beaten now.
I couldn't remember if I had seen him there or not.
"Sure," he said, "I like to sit around the big stove and
swap tales with all the boys. I remember the ones you used
to tell about Lake Opures in the North Country."
"At the big stove?" I gulped.
"Yep."
"Lake Opures?"
"Yep."
"In the North Country. At Andy's0 With the fellows? All
the old fellows?"
"That's right," he said. "Look," he said, and glanced at his
watch. "Andy will be closed by the time we get there. Your
wife i.s out of town, so why don't we drop in and get an ale
and some supper?"
"How," I said, "did you know about my wife?"
' He kept on smiling and walked me to the restaurant.
We ordered, or rather HE ordered. Good, thick chops and a
blancmange. Just what I always eat on Thursdays. He knew
the kind of ale I drink, too.
"Look," I said when the ale arrived. "How do you know-
so much about me? And about Andy and all the old fellows,
and watch Birds and kill trout, when I can't remember you?"
m
He leaned back and filled a pipe with Old Effluvium, the
brand I use.
"I write a feature column for a syndicated Sunday supplement," he said,
"I thought you were a writer," I said. "I am, too."
I just couldn't think who he might be. "Just what," I said,
"do you write?"
"Well," he began, and then our food arrived. I ordinarily
can't wait until Thursday comes around and I can have my mutton chops, but this fellow had ruined my appetite. Because
I was miserable about not placing him I just picked at my third
blancmange.I usually have an excellent memory, but because
of him my fifth tankard got stale.
"Belch," I said. "Belch." It was almost as though I didn't
want to remember who he was.
"Old Grog," he said, leaning back. "Old Grog." He let out his
belt and leaned across the table.
"I'll tell you, Grog," he said, "I write a column that is
all about my oud buddies, and how we go out trout fishing, and
Bird watching."
I ogled him. "Why," I said, "so do I."
"My old buddies," he continued, "have various fine .ways
of thwarting the little annoyances that plague our daily life.
And what makes my column so interesting is that my old buddies are just like you and me, only, well, amplified,"
"So," I said "are mine."
"But you see, Grog," he said seriously, "my old buddies
don't always behave in the quaint, picturesque fashion I want
them to."
"You mean," I said, "that you have to make some of it up."
He leaned back and started to tie a trout lure. A royal
blue proleteaser, as I remember.
"Yes," he mumbled with the thread between his teeth.
"I have to fool the people into thinking that all my old buddies
are invincible."
I almost knew him now. I tried to draw him out.
"What," I asked, calling for another ale, "do your old
buddies really do?"
He was shocked. It was a fine moment. I ordered another
ale.
"Well," he whispered, "one of them is an idea man who
got fired from My Gal Sal for being maudlin. One of them used
to write ad copy for the Puridenial Insurance Company, and
the third wa.s a ventriloquist for Sophie Tucker."
He finished the lure, took off his hat, and jabbed it into the
brim. Then he started on another. Tear-shaped-Mom-jerker,
one of my best hires.
"But my best one," he chuckled, "was the old buddie who
used to write lyrics for Kate Smith. If he did not bring a proud
smile to the unwashed, I was at a loss."
I knew him then, I knew what he was going to say next.
And he did.
"Then all I had to do was to write the stuff. Tell the
petty that they were right. Sanctity with journalese what they
had been convinced of all along."
"Have," I said, "another ale, buddy." I knew him now.
I was sure of it. "What," I asked, "is your name?"
"Clerk," he smiled, leaning back. "Grog Clerk."
In this, the last offering of the
TIE BAR for the academic year,
we v/ish to addresi ourselves to
this year's graduates, tho clear- *
eyed youth who will inherit Canada's tomorrow; the clean-limbed
young men and women who will
direct her .great .corporations,
edit her newspapers, conduct her
scientific research, exploit her
natural resources, and also—alas
— sweep her streets, and collect
her garbage.
To these we offer timely advice, and a word of warning.
Life outside in the great world
of business and commerce is not
just one long game of Mah-Jong.
Life outside is not just a gossamer soap-bubble, where idle plea*
sure follows idle pleasure in a
headlong flight of merriment.
Here no endless golden hours
of intramural toenail clipping,
here no joyous nights spent around the Botanical Gardens
playing "Tree the Housemother"
or "Greek Squeak" with girls
from a neighboring sorority.
Here no long, drowsy days of
eviscerating professors or torturing Dean Andrew's dog.
No, my friends, there are none
of these. For the world of business is hard! Cruel) Mercilessl
A young man or woman can be
a success at the University, bested by no one in Sanskrit scrabble,
unexcelled in Dean-baiting—and
yet fail miserably in the world
of business.
We have in mind the cases of
Hamish Cleareyed (Commerce
'34) and Yul Nordsirool, (Commerce '34), two typical UBC
graduates.
Cleareyed was a success in college; a triple-letter man in sports
and in lectures, the joy of all his
professors, the darling of the
Greeks for his "Hail UBC" rendition on the mouse-guitar, and
Chairman of the Beanie Commit*
tee of Students' Couneil.
Nordstrool, on the other hand,
was undistinguished. He sat
quietly at the back of his classes,
never participated in sports, ate
his lunch under a small rock
behind the Library for four long
years, and met no one. But what •
a change when both entered the
world of buiinessl
As chance would have it they
both found employment with the
same company: The Whiddlesby
Glass Eye and Porcelain Basin
corporation. From the outset
Cleareyed felt he was marked
for success. He squandered his
salary on fast motor cars, expensive dinners and pretty women.
..Nordstrool was more prudent.
He found lodgings in a False
Creek boathouse and made his
meals from the wild grasses that
grow in abundance along the
shore. His laundry was simply
tossed out the window to soak
and his paychecks were transferred, to the bank uncashed.
How did it all end you ask?
Well, in 1952. after 18 years of
saving, Nordstrool was able to
purchase the finest glass eye in
the world: a 22 carat ruby set in
solid crystal. He gave it io the
boss' daughter. They were married that same day.
When old Whiddlesby died,
Nordsirool was named president.
His first official act was io demote Cleareyed to the marble
repainting division where he has
remained io this day.
*       *       *
MORAL: — Whether prudent
or reckless any young man will
look more successful in one of
the TIE BAR'S new narrow repp
ties. The TIE BAR, 712 West
Pender. PAGE TWELVE
WEAKENED
Friday, March 2fi, 1957-,
Woman Trouble?
Croaker!
MENI Is her father after you with • shotgun?
Does hex mother follow you around screaming
thai you must marry her daughter? Does her
brother beat you up in front of your friends?
Solve those embarrassing problems wiih ihe
(CROAKER   EXTERMINATING   AGENCY'S)
simple process.   Just listen io what PILL Mac-
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Satisfied
Customer
"Yes, I had that problem. So I called in the
CROAKER EXTERMINATORS, and just about
twenty-four hours later I found complete relief.
That is, the police found it for me. That is, just
twenty-four hours after I called in SHIELA
CROAK'ER and her team of fearless exterminators, ihe police found my old girl friend murdered.    No more problems!"
FRIENDS, if you have this problem, see
SHIELA CROAK'ER today.
P.S.—Many of our satisfied customers are
women!
MOTHERS!
Crappy little ones get such
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THE BRAT'S OWN
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THEY LOVE ITS WILD FLAVOR, TOO — SOc
FOR YOUR BONO BIRD
Uncle Lows' Char Crit
KEEPS HIM SINGING
MERRILY I
Sat 1st ic id user. Mrs. Madeline
Vercheres of Trois River, P.O.,
•ayr. "My canary was listless
and apathetic. Then I started
putting Uncle Louis' Clear Grit
in his (Travel. Now he's singing
merrily.    And bi-lingually tool
AT YOUR FEED STORE,  15c
THE PACKAGE
EMBARRASSED
by £ahg?
Are you embarrassed every time you go to a party because
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10c for package of two, at any Drug Store
RUBBER STOPPERS
SMOKES
for Canadian
MlUTARYPtRSONNfl
iwvlnfl with Mm
United Nations Imwgmcy
FoK.lnllwMkkllttolt
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EXPORT
CIGARETTES
or any other Macdonald Brand
Postage included
Mail order and remittance toi
OVERSEAS DEPARTMENT
MACDONALD TOBACCO INC.
P.O. Box 490, Plac* d'Armtt,
Montreal, Que.
This effer Is wb|e<t to any change
In Oevernment RegeletlenSt
The College   Shop
Spring Sale — Everything Reduced
This Includes
Crests
Beanies
Scarves
Sweaters
Jewelery
T-Shirts
Umbrellas
UBC Jackets
Faculty Pins
Drug Sundri
THE   COLLEG
OPEN 11:30 — 1:30
SOUTH BROCK—OPPOSITE COFFEE SHOP
HEADQUARTERS FOR LOST & FOUND

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