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The Ubyssey Mar 26, 1959

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 THE
UBYSSEY
Vol XLI
VANCOUVER, B.C., THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 1959
No. 58
THERE  IS PLENTY
AROUND THE  KOENER
Following Premier Bennett's
statement in Victoria today the
Ubyssey contacted a member of
the Board of Governors for an
offocial comment.
The member contacted refused to be named but stated:
"Lamentable as this situation
is I feel as a member of the
Board that financial pleanty is
just around the KOERNER."
"How long it will be in getting
here I have reason to believe
only LORD knows," he said.
"The suggestion that the only
way to save UBC is to move it
to ROSSland is quite irresponsible.
"We certainly don't feel that
UBC should be feed on from
any height," he GRAUERed.
Many   interesting    comments
came from irate students across
the campus.
"Just as we were beginning
to look up this fell on us."
"Personally I think it's the
shots."
"Just how long does the government think it can rain over
us in this fashion and stay in
power?"
"I want to know how high
they will'fee," demanded one
irate student.
"This is no way for the government to dispose of big business."
"Is the whole government going to fee on us or just the
Premier?"
"Maybe they will practice on
the potted palms in the Empress
before coming across to us.
"Now we know why the grass
in Victoria is so green—up to
now I thought it was the seagulls."
"UBC does not need any more
stools," commented one Med student.
"I think students should trek
to Victoria and relieve themselves on the government."
"We should go to Victoria and
turn it into one great pot. Its
going in that direction anyway."
"I think we should save all
the government fee and send it
to starving students in India."
"This is a call for a third trek.
Let's march on Victoria shouting
'Why Wait—Urinate'."
"Let them fee away. The
beaches are already polluted.
"We bleed to debt while they
just sit there and fee."
Pot Empty
UBC Told
"Fee on you — the pot is empty and only Fee can
fill it."
Premier Bennett made this statement today following a
five-minute meeting with a student delegation in Victoria.
"Please say some little thing about our financial crisis,"
the delegation wimpered.
Bennett gazed out the window for a few seconds
FEE ON YOU."
He would not elaborate.
"This is Big Business," commented Peter Meekison,
leader of the delegation.
"Students cannot afford to take this lying down. We
must convince the people of B. C. that students are not all
wet."
"Students cannot be expected to fill the pot by themselves. We have already assumed a heavy burden in relieving ourselves," he said.
''Some other tool must be  found,"  stated  George
Feaver, delegation spokesman.
"We will be overlooked as it is without this added burden. Students have already been forced to take pot luck"
he said.
"It is certainly time the B. C. government stopped treating the University of B. C. like an outhouse," said Chuck
Connaghan.
(Continued on Page 6) — See POT EMPTY
i i PAGE TWO
THE      UBYSSEY
Thursday, March 26, 1959
THE UBYSSEY
MEMBER CANADIAN UNIVERSITY PRESS
Authorized as second class mail by Post Office Department, Ottawa
Published three times a week throughout the University year
in Vancouver by the Publications Board of the Alma Mater Society,
University of B-C. Editorial opinion's expressed are those of the
Editorial Boar<3 of The Ubyssey and not necessarily those of the
Alma Mater Society or the University of B.C.
Telephones: Editorial offices, AL. 4404; Locals 12, 13 and 14;
Business offices, AL. 4404; Local 15.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF,    Peter Cottontail
Managing Editor ... J. Phinneas Rochester-Smith
Sports Editor  ,    Jock Tomblike IV
Chief Pixie  - - Colon Outlandish, Esq.
Critics Editors  .-f --  P. Axelotle, J. K. Pilate
CUP Editor  Judy H.
Associate Editors   Holy Ghost Kent-Barber, Ole Sir Rupe
God bless Barbara Hansen  and suffer the little children
to come unto her.
ptThatltHas,But
Don't think it hasn't been nice.
Don't ever think that.
No, by God, it's really been something.
Who can forget the Jubilee Congregation and Academic
Symposium? Who indeed can even remember it? Happy
Easter, Rhys Carpenter, whoever you are.
Who can forget the gay, mad, intoxicating Leadership
Conference? I can, and I sure wish everybody else would.
Fee on you.
I just sure am full of it that I can hardly get it out.
Gratitude, I mean.
How nice for me.
Hello out there.   Are you happy like me?
Happy with your hundred-buck fee hike this year and
your addittional $47 fee hike next year? I'm sure you are.
Premier Bennett thinks you are, anyway, and that's all that
matters.   How nice for him.
0 happy giddy drunken Christian clever silly leaders of
tomorrow. Where are you taking us? Why? What for?
Who cares?   How nice for you.
1 can't even hear the whimper. But it's probably there.
However, a bang would be nice.
But I don't want you to think it hasn't been nice.
Tuum Est, they told me. Aren't you pushing things a
bit too far, I said.
Tuum Est, I told them. It was a last resort, they said.
Tuum Est is just like anything else, you can't have it both
ONLY YESTERDAY I remarked to  Einar  that the smell of burning ilcsh took me back
to my youth.
A DEAR RICH  LITTLE
OLD  LADY  IN  BLUE  .
ways.
So they took it the third way. It was a bit much, perhaps.
I couldn't tell the good guys from the bad guys. It was
and is my whole trouble.   I just can't understand you guys.
Do you get the picture? Tuum Est all the way, and
don't ever think it hasn't been nice.
Please don't.
Thanks very much to you all.
And goodby even more. — D. R.
11
rr
Or "Trees-OrT
By   MERDES KILLJOY
I think that I shall never see
A student fight against a fee
A fee who grows by leaps and bounds
In spite of Forrest's angry sounds
What is this thing called Tuum Est
It's Charlie beating on his breast
He says please write your MLA's
Before they give themselves a raise
Before they cut us students off
And "tell us all to bugger off
if that don't work well then by heck
We'll engineer a third great trek
But 'just as it was' getting started
Koerner sneezed and Charlie -^
The net result of which is that r
We're blued,'tattooed*and all like that
Fools are made of me and you
"\^en^Benhetf wants; to fee on you.
"^ '^Wi^t'&o you think? -     '
This has indeed been an
ful event took place.
The university was visited by
a dear old lady. Such a dear old
lady, all in blue with soft pink
fingernails. Such a sweet old
lady.
But smart. You bet!
You'd never know it though,
to look at her. Why she looks
just like anybody's granny, all
sort of grey headed and lined,
wearing bunion shoes and elastic
stockings. She had lots of rings
though, so I guess she is a rich
granny.
I mean, with pensions what
they are and all, you hardly ever
see grannies wearing blue velvet
dresses and lots of rings AND
a necklace.
Anyhow, she is pretty smart
so who cares if she's rich?
Why she even writes for the
Ladies Home Urinal, which is
quite an adventure.
She came to UBC and walked
over to the Armory where she
spoke for an hour to hundreds
and hundreds of people.
She spoke about war.
But nicely.
But nicely.
Just like your granny.
"War is evil," she smiled.
She told us all sorts of sad
things about people with empty
tummies and little babies that
cry at night. She told us she saw
all these things on her trips. If
she's so rich that she can go on
trips, why don't she send the
little babies something to eat?
They even call her the
"Woman of the World" which
isn't a very nice thing to call
someone's old granny who is
way past menopause.
I mean, how would you like
to have YOUR granny known all
over the world like that? Pretty
embarrassing.
All the people stood up when
she entered the Armory just like
she was a queen or something'.
But she couldrt't be a queen because she is an American and
Americans don't have, like, or
even want a queen.
But did you notice what a fuss
they made when Elizabeth and
Philip went to see them and
shop   in   a   super   market   and
exciting year for  the University.      This month, a truly wonder-
everything?
She wouldn't even be a queen
if she was a Canadian, she would
be in the senate but at least she'd
get some rest there.
Imagine a poor old rich lady
travelling all over the world.
She should have a farm and
raise chickens and make patchwork quilts. Just like your
granny.
Lots of people thought they
should give the little old lady an
honourary degree but they had
already   given   out   this   year's
quota of honourary degrees to
premiers and prime ministers
and lecherous old grand-dads
like that.
So they gave her a scarf instead and it was a scratchy old
scarf that they stole from the
Beta house and not the type of
scarf that should be given to
old ladies at all.
After that she had a nice
lunch in a rich man's house and
then went to be neighbourly at
International House and then
she went home.
He says he does it by Steady Saving
at the Bank of Montreal*
*"The Bank where Students' accounts are warmly welcomed.
Your Campus Branch in the Administration Building
'   MERLE C. KIRBYj Manager        •     -   "
-J it
&# *-*.■*"*!•«''%.*•* *»*'•
' >*<•'*•   «   *
*s %m *•«.« » «(*««#*
• I'M Thursday, March 26, 1959
THE      UBYSSEY
PAGE THREE
Boys Exposed
NITS
UBC BUYS
DEGREES
The buy now pay later craze is sweeping the country and
it has not by-passed UBC.
It's Just
Too Sad
Buy THE FOP
So they've taken away your
picture!
.The one you liked so much
you carried it home and put it on
your wall.
But they came and shuffled
their feet and mumbled about
how they couldn't understand
why you did it and how you
should have brought it back.
TOOK IT BACK
So they took it back to the
Hall and they hung it on the
wall and nobody pays any attention to it, or even dusts it like
you did.
But they tell you that you did
a monstrous wrong to the student body and how outraged
they are and how they won't
serve on council with you' they'd
resign first, and how much
you've hurt the Alma Mater
Society.
EASY TO STEAL
And the paintings are still as
easy to steal as ever, and fewer
people even look at the goddamn
thing than when it was' in your
room.
But the young leader who
took a double-bitted axe to the
Conference Gong, and cost the
AMS $500 doesn't even have to
feel embarrassed.
(Ed. Note:
But as for
grudge).
Kerry's    bitter:
me,   I   hold no
UBC also buys by degrees.
LLD's, PhD's and the like.
We do not prevent anyone
rich enough from getting a degree providing he will pay us
back. It is not the policy of
UBC to discourage academic advancement.
There are only two ways to
get a degree around here. By
passing exams or by being rich.
The latter is the best for all
concerned.
The rich men that never got
past grade five get degrees and
we get their money. Nice arrangement.
Look at the list of illustrious
winners of honourary degrees:
our provincial leader, our prime
minister, the leader of Her
Majesty's Loyal Opposition, the
leader of the CCF, Princess
Margaret.
All those, all famous and perhaps a little wealthy.
Wealth is good. The wealthy
have money to spare and influence to throw about.
And they can do the university a lot of good. The university
can name buildings after them
after they give the university
the money to build the buildings
in the first place.
Buying by degrees is a startling result of modern economy
and by degrees the university
buys.
ACT I. SCENE I
This scene takes place in the
double committee room of Brock
Hall. The walls are a revolting
colour (any revolting colour will
do) and hung with obscene pictures. In the centre of the room
is a large horseshoe-shaped table
covered with papers and ash
trays. Comfortable stuffed chairs
surround the table and uncomfortable wooden chairs are
placed awkwardly about the
room.
As the scene opens, we see 15
students, they wear black robes
over ivy-league suits. They wear
black horn rimmed glasses and
are clean-shaven, healthy, young,
and popular.
Sitting at the centre of the
table is an imposing young figure who is studying his boots
with deep concentration. This is
young CRUTCH CLANNAHAN.
boy president. Seated next to
him is lascvicious WINDY AM-
OUROUS, secretary and Girl
Friday. Also seated at the table
are MR. HONNEYWELL, MR.
CRAWFISH, MISS QUAIL
CARLSON, MR. FEVER, MR.
HORSKINS. MISS MEN'S ATHLETIC FIELD, MR. MUSTARD-
PLAZTER, MR. HEADGEAR,
MR. COWGIRL. MIS DRAWBRIDGE, MR. VALENTINE and
others.
As the scene opens, MR.
CLANNAHAN looks up from
studying his boots and speaks:
CLANNAHAN: All right, you
guys, we've got to decide tonight.
COWGIRL: Decide what,
Crutch?
CLANNAHAN: Well, the
Board of Governors has decided
to put the fees up so I think we
oughta have a petition or something.
COWGIRL: Why?
CLANNAHAN: Well, so we
can see if the kids want a fee
.hike.
MR. FEVER: I wish you'd
hurry up and decide, guys,
Crutch and I have a frat
meeting.
MISS DRAWBRIDGE: Yea,
and I've got to go and take refreshments to the boy's club.
CLANNAHAN: Well, Crawfish, are you going to put up
this petition? Or does any one
have any better ideas?
MISS MEN'S ATHLETIC
FIELD rushes in, pulling a WAD
sweatshirt over her head and
flailing about her with a grass
hockey stick.
CLANNAHAN: You are late
again, Theodora, that's three
more remerits and no more medicine ball for a week.
Clannahan ducks under table
to save his head from the hockey
£tick.
VALENTINE: Do you have a
smoke, Theodora?
MISS M.A.F.: I'm in training!
COWGIRL: At the General or
St. Paul's?
CRAWFISH: I knew a girl
once was in training at the General but she had to quit.
HEADGEAR: We used to have
parties with the girls from the
General and we used to get them
for dates for the frat international.
CRAWFISH: They don't get
very good food in those nursing
schools, do they? I stayed there
one night and breakfast was . . .
CLANNAHAN: ORDER!	
HORSKINS: I agree.
CLANNAHAN: Now look
here, guys, this is an important
meeting and I don't want any
fooling around. I just don't understand you guys.
MUSTARDPLAZTER: Let's
investigate the Board of Governors. I hear they say it is all
just a prank. I don't believe
them of course. Perhaps if we
called in Mr. Jails and Mjr.
Moosely ...
CRAWFISH: Well, Crutch, I
have no objection to posting a
petition but Dal might not like
it. He was a frat man you know.
CLANNAHAN: Oh for heaven
sake, Craw, all we're doing is
dealing with fees, we're not
abolishing Greeks.
CRAWFISH: Oh well, in that
case, I'll be glad to post the
petition, I mean, it's my job.
CLANNAHAN: Good man.
HORSKINS: I want some tea.
CLANNAjHAN: 'OiAef.
A silence! falls on the room
and the councillors take their
feet off the table.
CLANNAHAN: Well, now
we've dispensed with the problem of the fees, let's discuss the
party.
DRAWBRIDGE: I'll bring the
beer. Gosh, are the fees really
going up? That'll be awful.
CLANNAHAN: Yea, they're
going up. 'Bout a hundred dollars.
'Your Headquarters For Travel Anywhere'
A complete service for travellers. Relax — let us make
all the arrangements. We represent all steamship companies, airlines, hotels and Greyhound buses. Book your
passage at our convenient office, only two blocks from
the University gates.
TRAVEL HEADQUARTERS
BRIAN GOULDSTONE, Manager
4576 West 10th Avenue Phone ALma 4511
Enter MR. TEREDO, clutching
sheaf of grubby papers.
TEREDO: Hey gang; I've just
composed a song- I goes to the
tune of the Streets of Laredo. As
lye walked out on . . .
CLANNAHAN: ORDER. Now
we all know the fees are going
up and we all know that we have
to do something and Craw has
been kind enough to offer to
put up a petition so let's talk
about the party.
The students all begin to talk
at once. QUAIL speaks:
QUAIL: Well, I don't know
what all this argument is about
but I have something very important to bring up. As you all
know, we have a very important
organization here on campus
called WUS and it is made up of
women. I am president and that
is why I get to have a blazer
and go to your parties. We want
to change the name to AWS
because then it would be sort
of a national organization and
we could do more, things and
get women the vote and have
parties called the "Wonderful
Land of AWS." You all get it
don't you? So I suggest that we
take this to a vote right now
and then we can let the girls on
campus vote on it because they
?should have some say about
what the organization is called
and . . . say, guys, who is this
Board of Governors and what
fees are they talking about?
CLANNAHAN: Does anyone
have anything to say about this?
HONNEYWELL: I move that
the meeting be adjourned.
MUSTARDPLAZTER: I second
it.
AMOUROUS:  Not  so  fast,  I
haven't got all that down yet.
CURTAIN
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92» PAGE FOUR
THE     UBYSSEY
Thursday. March 26, 1
A  Parable   For   Playgoers
In this town, where we are
blessed with an ideal theatrical
climate, we are sometimes in
danger of becoming smug and
self righteous: because our theatre is free from cupidity, graft
and commercialism, we assume
that our happy conditions pertain everywhere. In an endeavour to remind myself and
others of the need to struggle
constantly against the enemies
of drama, I shall recount today
the experience of myself and my
friend James Persifall in the
town of—well, of Grommett, a
community similar in size to
Vancouver, but, as regards theatrical malpractice, decidedly
different.
James Persifall had been a
fellow-student of mine at an
academy of dramatic art in England. We had decided to emigrate in preference to spending
two years in the entertainment
division of the European Police
Force, the only alternative open
to either of us. This decision, as
we realized, might prevent
either of us from acting for some
time: our destination at the time
of our leaving London was undecided, and we well might land
land in some community too
small or too backward to support a theatre. Although this
caused us some misgivings, mine
were small compared to James':
by nature more inclined to observe than participate, I was an
actor of little talent; conversely,
James had been a shining light
at the academy, where his Richard II had been acclaimed as the
best performance in years.
Imagine James' relief, then,
when a preliminary inquiry he
conducted the day following our
arrival in Grommett revealed
that there were in town a television studio, a radio station, a
professional summer stock theatre, an amateur civic rep. and
a University College drama
group! "I've arranged to take an
audition at the radio station this
week," he told me, "and a television audition the week after.
I should be working soon." I
thought so too. James was
young, yes, and had a great deal
yet to learn, as he himself would
readily admit; but we both felt
that in Grommett, where standards   were   of  necessity   lower
ridge
theatre
16th  at   Arbutus
CH. fi.-m
March 26, 27, 28 (I'.r .s>.,—
3.50 (Sat. 6 and 9.35)
"Carve   Her  Name
With Pride"
Virginia  McKenna   and
Paul Scofield, plus
'The Baby & the Battleship'
Color;   7 - 10.35 (Sat. 8.00)
John Mills and Richard
Attenborough — CARTOON
Sat. Matinee, 1.45 —
"Baby & Battleship" plus
Cartoons,  Comedy, Serial
Monday, Tues., Wed.
March 30, 31, April 1
James Stewart in
"The NAKED SPUR"
Color — 7.00 and 10.30
Janet Leigh, Robert Ryan
plus Gary Grant in
"DREAM WIFE"
8.50
Deborrah Kerr, W. Pidgeon
LATEST NEWS
than in the West End of London,
he would have little difficulty
in establishing himself as an
actor of parts.
We were soon disillusioned.
He failed the radio audition.
The comments of the respective-
adjudicators are worth repeating: "Diction too clear. He
sounds like an elocution
teacher," was the first. A second
inveighed: "This actor conveyed
or communicated no emotion
whatever." This was interesting,
for the third judge said: "Too
much emotion! He makes one
uncomfortable." The fourth, a
practical type, one feels, remarked that it was pointless to
use a speech from Henry V as
an audition piece when Shakespeare was never attempted on
that radio network.
He failed the television audition. I am unable to repeat the
remarks of these adjudicators,
because James tore them up
without once glancing at them.
"I did a speech from a play we
did last year, Dave," he said,
more puzzled than angry, "The
play that Old Vic producer did
with us. And I know I did it
better this time!"
I was puzzled, too. Until a
conversation I had several weeks
later with a man who had had
several roles on television. (Having seen two of the shows he
was in, I hesitate to call him a
television actor.) His tongue
loosened by several mugs
of Grommett ale, this man confided in me that both radio and
television auditions were adjudicated by working actors — in
other words, already established
performers sat in judgment upon
posible competitors! I was appalled by this state of affairs,
but my confidant hurriedly
shushed me. "That's the way it
is, there's no point in kicking
up a fuss. The way to pass, is to
be coached for the auditions by
one of the adjudicators. Their
fees are quite high, but.-". He
shrugged.
James' reaction was less tolerant. When I told him of my
conversation, he hit the roof. He
absolutely refused to buy his
way in, and, as the only other
professional theatre in town was
the Summer Stock, which would
not open for another four
months, he decided to work in
the Civic amateur rep. for the
rest of the winter. Open castings
for "Three Sisters" had been announced: although James had
played Vershinin in London, he
had thought of several improvements subsequently; but, had he
played the role a dozen times
before, he would still have been
grateful for it now, as he desperately wanted to be on the
stage once more.
He did not get the part.
I went to the "open casting."
Generally, the standard of reading was low, although one girl
read Masha with a certain intelligence and animation. James
gave a good reading; not too
suspiciously polished and final,
but damned good. His competition was not worthy of the name.
Then the produced rose to announce the castings. "Vershinin,
Bud Braunnaesser." James'
mouht dropped open. I leaped to
my feet with an equally involuntary action. The producer
took us aside. "I'm not necessarily casting this part on acting
ability," he whispered. "I want
people I can—" he searched for
the word, and found it, apparently in his navel. "—I can
mold." he finished,  raising, his
head and giving us what I took
to be a winning smile. Neither
of us made any reply, nor did
we have the heart to discuss it
later, but I wondered if perhaps
fear of working with a superior
artist was not as strong a motivation with that producer as the
desire to—mold.
James read for two more
plays, and failed, although in
the second instance he was offered the role of a second footman. He very nearly told the
producer (a dear old lady, this
time) what she could do with her
script, but I hustled him into the
foyer. Here, we overheard the
man who had been cast in the
lead saying: "Well, of course,
she promised me the part three
months ago."
Determined to get back in
harness before the auditions for
the Summer Stock, James next
tried the University College
drama group. His initial attempt
was ■ unsuccessful; once again,
some actor who read with all the
charm and vivacity of a moribund turtle was cast; but this
same actor, within a few days,
had to step down due to a television assignment; and James
was offered, and accepted, the
role.
Each night for six weeks
James brought home some delicious tid-bit culled from the
extraordinary rehearsal methods
employed. Two I remember to
this day. The first concerned the
actor who had the lead; his voice
was tight and strained, so the
producer sent him up the mountain for an afternoon, in the
hope that the proximity of the
clouds, which were that day particularly light and fluffy, might
engender similar light and fluffy
feelings of relaxation in the actor. No more practical attempt
at training his voice was made.
The other tid-bit, concerned the
final dress-rehearsal; the set was
unfinished, three actors knew
only half their lines, the play
seemed on the brink of disaster.
The producer called them together and enjoined them to
link hands, standing in a circle.
"Transmit," he exhorted, "transmit to one another, and all will
be well."
All was not well, of course,
but James did a good jolj, and
was accorded favourable reviews. (Not that this meant a
great deal. One reviewer arrived intoxicated, and left after
the first act; the other had just
written a play which he hoped
to have produced by the producer of the play he was reviewing.) James drew more hope
from the number of strangers
who stopped him on the street
to compliment him. He felt confident of breaking into summer
stock, although he now received
another setback; intending to
read for the final play of the
season at the Civic theatre, he
was stopped by the director, the
dear old lady again, who told
him: "Please don't bother. I
know what you can do." The
play was entirely dissimilar to
the last she had heard him read
for; but, having heard him read
for tragedy, she 'knew what he
could do' with farce. "Ah well,"
sighed James, and went down
to the summer stock auditions.
He did not have to read. Halfway through the evening, the
producer indicated that James
could have all the leads he
wanted. There was one snag:
James would have to move into
the producer's apartment. Two
days later, .my friend left town,
quite reconciled to the European
Police Force.
A year later, my firm transferred me from Grommett to
Vancouver; and, shortly afterwards, I received a letter from
James. His news was good, very
good. "Have a supporting role
in a West End play," he wrote.
"A fellow-actor is—of all coincidences! Another Grommett failure. And, believe it or not, our
producer once guest-directed in
Grommett. He claims he still
wakes in the middle of the night,
screaming, at the memory of it
all: the "professionals" who
were, if anything, worse than
the amateurs; the belief in a
mystique of the theatre as opposed to sound technical training; the television producers he
met whose qualifications were
that they had been president of
a Sunday sketching club, or
a deep-seated allergy to orig
material . . . but you remem
Dave!   .  .   .  Hope  Vancouvei
better."
It is, James, it is. To the 1
of my knowledge, not one of
malpractices   we   discovered
Grommett, exist here; but, wl
we Vancouverites are congr;
lating   ourselves  on   our   pui
and incorruptibility, let us be
our guard against these vice
have depicted here today. Tt
encroachment can only adve:
ly affect the standard of dra
presented to a community, a
by depriving the people of
opportunity   to   experience
best possible theatre interpre
by the best available talent, <
strike right at the heart of ti
democracy.
—DAVID BROMIC
MILD CURIOSITY as to what Critics editor David Bromige will do when the term ends may be allieviated by
these two pictures. Above, we see the touching reconciliation scene when prodigal Bromige returns to his summer
job, that of night desk-clerk at Wholeway House, Ultra.
Below, desk-clerk Bromige in an off-duty pose, revitalizing
himself for the critical year ahead.
A HANDY GUIDE
Yes, a handy guide for all the many students on this cam
pus who will be going to Europe or points east this summer
Remember — Brcmige's Basdekker Browses do not force yoi
into into anything: tuum est is our rnotto.
1) For instance: a tour of Nyhamn, Copenhagen's Rec
Light district. No-one is forced into anything. Conversely
no-one can be guaranteed a rescue from the slimy waters of th<
canal, should they fall foul of the quaint natives.
2) If you start to take yourself seriously when they crowr
you Prince Rupert of Hamburg, just re-examine your billfolc
— yes, the one with all the dollars in. The one that had all th<
dollars .    Remember, you're a free agent.
3)' When the Malayan natives start taking the pith out o;
you, remember, if a cap fitz, Gerald, grin and wear it.    Bu
B.B.B. will set your fears at rest: when the red dawn comes uj
like thunder, remember the immortal lines of Hilaire Belloc:
"Whatver happens, we have got
The Maxim gun, and they have, not." Thursday/March 26, 1959
THE     UBYSSEY
TAGE FIVE
A Gay Song Of Spring!
Hoax
You meet a girl who's five foot two,
her hair is blonde as honey,
her clear straight eyes are coolly blue,
she doesn't spend your money.
she laughs so long at all your jokes
you don't mind you've not kissed her;
you take her home to meet the folks:
she runs off with your sister.
you've scraped and saved for all the week
to buy a jug of vino,
christ said to turn the other cheek
so you'll have yourself a beano.
to hell with all the blue-eyed tarts
(they'll find your younger brother)
for you the glow cheap wine imparts —
who drinks it all? — your mother.
the quiet young man who buys you beer
has read kierkegaard and sartre,
collectively, you sneer a sneer
at the atlantic charter.
you find his views are as your own
regarding bertrand russell;
and. then, as soon as you're alone,
he wants to feel your muscle.
*you feel that life is much too much,
too, much for you to handle;
you take your refuge in the church
and buy yourself a candle.
your two-bit candle burns a treat,
your mind is so much lighter,
— till a sly priest on silent feet
solicits you, the blighter.
it's the last straw! you'll end it all!
so you buy yourself a rope,
An  Easter Wreath
rain fell on the saxophones,
yn the trombones too,
drummer beat
odden feet
ieart was sad and blue.
cared the fools who kicked
id pranced
t that awful room?
could see
3 plain to me
danced the dance  of
jom."
—EUGENE PERIWINKLE.
These two stanzas are only
all excerpt from a much
r poem entitled, "Dance of
i"; they constitute a morsel,
believe I may safely say,
icious morsel, borne away
e editorial platter from a
rger, more sumptuous feast.
3 really should read the
in its entirety; one's appe-
.vhetted by this succulent
I'oeuvre, craves the almost
•stible spread of the full
thousand lines; the soul
only to revive again
t the Gothic raptures of
inkle's Epicurean epic; al-
by a thousand masochistic
s, the mind whirls in the
trom of the senses; all is
o'er to pleasure, sad, acid-
irrecoverable pleasure,
it has been . . ."
—D. F  G d.
. Periwinkle a poet? In a
valise! Why, I saw the man
as though his stuff weren't
ice enough of his lack of
, I can tell you that he is
quite bald. How could" a
ike that ever be a poet?"
—M___ M tth.ws.
• j
. I thought it good of its
Periwinkle is obviously a
I man, the kind who can
i definite stand in a room
full of people who, moving in
the opposite direction, try to
sway him too. That they do not
succeed is sufficient tribute to
the poet's superior powers.
The technical "construction of
the poem is amusingly archaic,
and draws further humour from
the interweaving of this archaic
style with the modern phenom:
enon of the jazz-band."
—S--_ H.__d.
"...  I enjoyed  Periwinkle's
epic,  although,  I  must  confess,
found  little time to  read  it  as
there were several plays opening
in town during the week I was
given the poem to peruse; before
I pass on to what will be, I'm
afraid, a fairly lengthy and possibly exacting discussion of the
failure of the various companies
involved  in  the  productions  of
these plays, to realise the playwrights' intentions, I should like
to   say   that,   enjoyment   aside,
Periwinkle's style, as revealed to
us by this one poem, "Dance of
Doom," appears singularly lacking   in   merit   of   any   kind;   his
philosophical   arguments   are,   I
am assured, invalid; and an acquaintance who has read his one
drama,    a   five-act   tragedy   in
rhyming couplets, writes that . ."
—D__d Br e.
". . . Nonsense, Bromige old
chap. I know, and so do you, if
you stop to think for a minute,
that all Periwinkle needs is a
good dose of salts to purge him
of that unhealthy intellectual
fascism he reveals in this excerpt. (Thanks for sending me
the whole five thousand lines,
but I didn't bother to read
them.) No, all our friend Periwinkle needs is a purgative, or
the girl he left behind him. Let's
dismiss him from our thoughts,
eh?"
—K L_.,b.
but a sailor living down the hall
peddles you some dope.
ygt every day the snow costs more,
and a knife won't force the meter —
you were better off three years before,
with schnapps twelve crowns a litre.
you've got to change your ways for sure
or nemesis will find you:
so, get a shave, and take the cure,
leave all that behind you;
come to the campus, to the caf.,
to the ivied leagues of learning —
dismayed you find, despite the chaff,
che co-ed's not for burning.
"Passion? , Passion's for the birds,
maturity's the thing."
But soon you realize all these words
have a certain ersatz ring.
Don't say you've heard it all before,
for you won't move their faces:
their world is sure as Newton's law,
or corruption in high places.
so, sit in the caf. and pick your nose,
humming ravel's bolero;
though shadows are walking over your toes,
you've got your arse in a chair-o.
jy^S^*^-^^   *■*&,^jj,
NOTIONS that our Critics editor is a Eohemian crud are
scotched by the photograph above. It shows him enjoying
a week-end skiing on Grouse Mountain. He goes there
often, usually in the company of lawyers. Next year, he
hopes to have not only the right friends, but also the correct garb.
"Bromige is a hoax!" declared
Madame Norrbraksak yesterday.
The European artist, who recently posed as Miss Y in an exhibition scandal, ripped the lid off
the imposture perpetrated on
these pages for the last few
months.
"The only Bromige I know
of," she continued, her lip curling in seorn, "Is a lush who
couldn't put pen to paper, his
hand shakes so much. He's never
left Hampstead in his life: it's
the only place he can free-load
in security."
When our correspondent questioned Madame Norrbraksak as
to the identity of the current
Critics Page editor, she dismissed him with a sneer, which
he later gave away to a hungry
child outside the artist's East
Hastings apartment. "She insisted," babbled the demented
reporter, "that 'Bromige' was
prabably a pseudonym for Bar-
rie Hale. Then she kicked me
downstairs and kept my Regal
Sherry." At this point the poor
man broke down completely,
and we were able to secure no
further information. The mystery remains unsolved.
Rumours that "Barrie Hale"
is actually an illiterate football
player by name Chad Brunton
have been investigated by Mike
Matthews. Matthews was put on
the scent of this hoax after a
chance remark by an American
artist, Henry Ormsby, aroused
suspicion in the editorial breast,
such as it is.
He discovered that Ormsby
and his fellow-artist, Georges
Poutrax, had met Brunton in a
Tijuana bar. "We spoke to him
of Chada, our new art form,"
said Ormsby. "After a few
drinks, he became belligerent,
told us we were a lot of pseudo-
intellectuals, and threatened to
discredit us as soon as he had
the chance." This chance presented itself to Brunton eighteen
months ago, when he edited the
Critics page under the pen-name
of "Hale."
Said Poutrax: "If Mr. Brunton
would realise that his hostility
is "very much akin to affection,
we would welcome him to Oro
Del Mar, and be glad to initiate
him into the rites of Chadaism."
Brunton is unavailable for comment.
"Both Hale and Bromige are
real persons," writes party-girl
Minnie Mouse. "I once overheard them in earnest conversation. As I approached, Hale
turned   to   his   companion   and
said,  ' you, Bromige.' Then
they both went to sleep. I was
so disappointed.
Bobby T. has never contributed to this page. When requested to do so, he only shrugs
and sneers. Some people say
Bobby T. is not only unproductive  but   (whisper   it!)   negative
and nihilistic. On the other hand,
I think he is the only true beat
man in Vancouver.
—Ed.
FILMSOC   Presents:
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
Full-length Feature showing
today, Auditorium,   12.30.
Admission   35c   or by Pass
USCC   ORTHODOX   DOUKHOBORS
of Grand Forks, B.C.
Doukhobor Male Chorus
PRESENT
CONCERT
Traditional Hymns        • Spirituals        • Folk Songs
GEORGIA   AUDITORIUM
(Denham and Georgia)
FRIDAY,   APRIL   3,   at  8   p.m.
Admission: $1.00 at the door PAGE SIX
THE     UBYSSEY
Thursday, March 26, 1959
Look at those nail holes in His hands.
POT EMPTY — (Continued from Page 1)
"The hole question will have to be brought before the
people of B. C. so they can decide the fate of the university,
instead of leaving it up t othe government," he said.
"If things stay as they are students won't have a pot
to fee in." '
The tomb is empty!
If Chuck is short for Charley, j     And     then    there    was    the i camp   and   Stuck   his
What is short for Farley? I midget who broke into a nudist | everyone's business.
nose   in
(Eargofii of Mm$ gf rtttg
ptff t$> &rrtttfn# %mgftag
INCORPORATED   27? MAY 1670. """** -~
UBYSSEY EASTER SERVICE
FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
As a further public service to its readers, The Ubyssey
presents this special Easter page.
Features, pictures and news stories for the whole family
can be found an this page, printed as a special treat by those
who don't care for those who do.
Regretably, The Ubyssey fashion editor is down with an
allergy and could not submit her news from the fashion
world.
?9afc. i
Madison Avenue...
Yes, up and down ad alley you'll find the
smartest account execs call for Coke during
important meetings. The cold crisp taste,
the real refreshment of Coca-Cola
are just what the client ordered. So up
periscope and take a look into the
situation. Ad men of the future!—start
y»ur training now—climb into a gray flannel
suit and relax with a Coke!
BE REALLY REFRESHED... HAVE A COKE!
SAY 'COKE* OR •COCA-COLA—BOTH TRADE-MARKS:MEA» THE PRQWCT     ^
•  OF COCAiCOlA LTD.—THfWORLDS KST-tOVED SPAMQJMG- DONC      ** Thursday, March 26, 1959
TH E      UBYSSEY
PAGE SEVEF
EGGS A
I could never understand the
significance of the eggs.
Apparently they hard - boil
them, and then paint them in
gay colors, and then hide them,
and then at the crack of dawn
they send little kids to go look
for them.
IN CAVE
So this kid, he was out by this
big cave, see, and there's a big
rock out front of it.
So he rolls away the stone and
goes in and pretty soon he is
heard to exclaim "By gum, I
knew if I followed that star long
enough I'd find something!"
NOT AN  EGG
So they get back to the kid's
house and his mother says "Ah
Like this girl who was so
stupid she thought a brothel was
a soup kitchen.
Confucius  say:   Crowded   ele
vator smell different to midget.
TOMB BUT
BIT MUCH
you crazy kid, that ain't no egg.
"How many times have I told
you not to hang around with
strangers?" Whereupon she sent
them both to bed without any
supper, notwithstanding their
pitiful cries of "Aw please, just
one'last supper?"
NO BASIS
Much and all as this would be
a most satisfactory explanation,
there is no scriptural basis for it.
Under the circumstances, I
think about the best thing we
could do is cut it out with the
eggs.
LADIES'
BECOME  A
Physic ion's    Office    Asssstanf
Many women are now enjoying wonderful paid
positions in this dignified profassion.
FREE PLACEMENT SERVICE
CAHLYLE   SCHOOLS   LTD.
640 Burrard - • ■ ■■ MU. 5-8825
What have you done with Him?
Mafz and Wozny
548 Howe St.       MU.3-4715
Custom   Tailored   Suits
Special   Student   Rates
for   Ladies   and   Gentlemen
Gowns and Hoods
Uniforms
Double breasted suits
modernized in the new
single    breasted    styles.
"HYPOCRITE"
A two faced buck pump
in powder blue with ivoiy.
Nougat wifh yani|la.
Grey with ivory.
only 7.95
pretty shoes
"QUEEN ANNE"
New little heels in black patent
and white smooth leather.
at only
8.95
"LO-TEE"
Bone, black or white
smooth kidskin with
elastic goring.
only 7.95
All style$ in AA and
B widths from 4 to 70.
[Jj        "The greatest
discovery for girls...
since boys"
BY.C
Available at all Department Stores and Leading Shoe Stores in B. C.
•in
«?'•-   ,,•,,■
Samsonite Silhouette ... a sleek way to travel into the
j cruel old world from your happy clays at college. You'll
I uant a design that is simple and uncluttered (a) and a
c.ise that is effortless to carry (bj (featherweight mag:
nesium). You'll want a lock tnat is secure yet .opens at
.' touch (c) . . . and that appeals to your flegant sensje of
inste in colour and design. Choose from Jive finishes
. . . Biscayne blue, Dover white, Piatinum grey, Desert
Ian, and Oxford grey.
V. oman's Wardrobe case (21")  52.50
Man's Two-suiter (26") 55.00
—Eaton's Luggage, Third Floor—MTJ 5"7112
*• mm <« m * .. w •  ««.« mi m-^^t -.
■ » »•>*.»..•<   »....•■•» «.
• m .   m *t* ,* « t PAGE EIGHT
THE     UBYSSEY
Thursday, March 26, 1959
BIR
CALIFORNIA
HERE TODAY,
AND SATURDAY
ARS
BE  A   UBC   ATHLETIC   SUPPORTER
U.C.LA. BRUINS
PLAY   HERE
APRIL 2, 4
Spor
T  S
GAME TIME
TODAY 12.30
GRADUATES
LAST
CHANCE
TO PURCHASE YOUR
NFCUS   LIFE
PLAN
INSURANCE
MANSE SCHMIDT
CANADIAN
PREMIER LIFE
779 W. 9th EX. 29241
S. K. COLE, CLU
Bvanch Manager
TWO    MEDS    STUDENTS
are looking forward to a
relaxing sports filled summer
of the more genteel variety.
Double-Breasted Suits
COgVKKTEU   INTO   NEW
ALTERATIONS & REPAIRS
IINITFD   TAILORS
549   Granville      MU.  1-4649
Sasamat Cabs
— ALma   2400 —
Affiliated   with
Black Top Cab (1958) Ltd.
Phone MU. 1-2181
FOR   RENT
$25.00 a month rent, 6-room
house, 4 blocks from Gates,
on 10th Avenue. Available
from May 15. Four graduating students want to sell
complete furnishings at very
reasonable price.
Phone ALma 0680-R
WE TRIED TO SUPPORT AIL SPORTS, BUT...
...SOME WE JUST COULDN'T
EAST OR WEST
BIRD ARE BEST
S.T.C.   NOTICE
Slack Soc. announces that
Prof. W. H. Simons of the Mathematics Dept. has been unanimously elected honorary president of STC for the coming year.
Dr. Simons was accorded this
title because of his unflagging
obeyance to the aims and ideals
of the society.
RENTAL & SALES
• Full Dress
• Morning Coats
• White and Blue Coats
• Shirts and Accessories
• $1.00 discount to
UBC Students.
E. A. LEE Ltd.
523 HOWE, MU. 3-2457
FILMSOC   Presents:
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
Full-length Feature showing
today, Auditorium,   12.30.
Admission   35c   or by Pass
OTHER    SPORTS    INCLUDED:      BEER    GUZZLING,
POCKET  POOL,    CHESTERFIELD   RUGBY, ETC.
Puff after puff
of smooth
mild smoking
Sportsman
CIGARETTES
PLAIN   OR   FILTER
The choice of sportsmen everywhere

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